Girls Gotta Eat - Do You Pursue Emotionally Unavailable People?

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

If you find yourself attracted to/pursuing (and getting hurt by) emotionally unavailable people, this episode is for you. We discuss how to spot an emotionally unavailable person, all the reasons we seek them out, how family upbringing plays into it, and how to break the cycle. We share our own experiences, as well as some personal anecdotes from our listeners. Before we get into the topic, we're discussing bathtub sex, drinking (and how much) on your wedding day, and our latest face updates. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Hello Fresh: Get 50% off plus free shipping at hellofresh.com/50gge and use code 50GGE. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at nutrafol.com when you use promo code GGE. Caraway: Get 10% off your next purchase at carawayhome.com/gge or use code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you pick people that are already unavailable, when it doesn't work out, it does not hurt that bad as much. Exactly. And you can't be rejected by somebody that was never going to be yours in the first place. Girls got to eat. Welcome back. Azul's being extra cute today. Where is he?

Well, I'm busy, though. Isol is he here? Well, he got the ick last week. Azul got the egg. Is he in here? He's over here. Oh, he's by you. He's being extra cute.

Come on, Azul. I appreciate him more because a dog tried to murder me yesterday. That is crazy. A golden retriever. And you said the craziest thing, which, like, you said that, like, you described people as being, like, sweet as a golden retriever. And this dog tried to eat my face. No, they low-key can be aggressive. Not all golden retrievers. Don't freak out if you have some sweet golden retriever. But I've known them to be not that easy. Do we always had issues with them? I would say they are one of the top five breeds in my whole history is like a dog owner, being on the streets of dogs that tend to be a little more aggressive of, like, friends I've known that have had golden retrievers. And listen, I love a golden retrievers. And listen, I love a golden retrieves. They trick you. I know.

They are misrepresented. They are. They're just like they're gaslighting you. They're like everybody else loves me. Like what's wrong with you? Pit bulls, this and that. It's like never met a pit bull that didn't smother me with love. Literally.

Never. Your brother's dogs have never lunged at me. No. Right. But a cold retriever. And if you see two of them, watch out. Because they will gas each other. I'm telling you.

How was you so? humiliated. This dog like went straight from my face at a party yesterday where I was saying how to new strangers and I was like, it's like when a baby cries when you touch it and you're like, I swear I'm not a bad person. That will give you the ick. You're like, do I give it back? Like what do I do? And then I was trying to act cool. Like it doesn't bother me, either your dog tried to bite my face. No, no, no. But you're,

you shouldn't have been embarrassed. They should have been embarrassed. Don't have a party and let your dog running loose and then be like, sorry, he's just really aggressive and bites people sometimes. What are you doing? Put him in a crate. Then he sat next to you for the rest of the party. I'm scared. Well, remember Ricky? We had a dog. We had a dog. He did die, RIP, like a tragic death. And it was awful because he got hit by a car and, like, young. He was only like three. My dad was just despond. And it was so awful. It was the week of Thanksgiving. But my dad did adopt Ricky. And he was like my dad's dog. But he was aggressive and you couldn't look him in the eye. And he was scary to be around. Could your dad look him in the eye? Yeah, my dad could do whatever. And then he was pretty. pretty cool with my mom, but really anybody else.

Like, you had to be careful. Remember he, Louise's boyfriend? Well, he was asking for it. But you were, did you ever do a vacation with Ricky? No, I don't, I never met Ricky. Oh, this was like, way before. You know what jarring it is to hear you talk about a dog and call it Ricky? You never, that's right.

He died before you and I ever met. Yeah. I remember, like, on a family vacation, I'd brought like my ex-boyfriend at the time. and there was this picture of him sitting next to Ricky on the couch, like the you with that golden retriever. And he is like staring straight ahead. And it was like, don't look him in the eye. Okay, was it more awkward than the first weekend.

I met your whole family. And there was all those enormous dogs just surrounding me. There was like four dogs in the beach house. Raina had, she perched up on like the arm of the couch like this. I was like, don't acknowledge it to this whole room of people that you're scared of all these dogs. I'm two feet tall. All these dogs are bigger than me. You can't acknowledge.

You're scared of it. Well, our dogs are really sweet in the family now, ever since Ricky Pats. again, RIP, but, you know, it's probably for the best. We probably would have ensued. Ricky died at some point. Ricky and Rusty. This whole podcast is brought to you by Ashley's family dogs. We need a dog sponsor.

Have we never had one? No, like, we did one back catalog read one time for the DNA testing. Oh, right. So I'll tell you about the rest of yesterday. Okay. I've been dying to tell you this all day. Oh, my gosh. I've missed you so much.

I've been seen you that much lately. I mean, I was under the weather. Yeah, well, now you're over the weather. You look great. Thank you. So we went to this party yesterday, and we were drinking all day from like 1 o'clock until very late. You were on a date? Yes.

Dallas Business Card Man. Yes, just going to clear. So we came back here. I cannot stress how drunk I was. So we're talking and I decided I want to take a bath. What? File this under things I can never relate to. If I told my man, I want to take a bath.

He would be like she's been drugged. She's taken. I've never gotten in the bath in this house. I've lived here for five months. I've never set foot in the tub. Oh, are you out on baths now? I just, I don't know, it's cumbersome. It's a deep bath.

It's hard to get into it. But I've got this bold idea. I'm going to light candles and bring wine into the bath. No. Also, I couldn't get like the bubbles to foam up. So there wasn't that. Okay, what is going on with that? What?

a scam bubbles. Like, I feel like I have not, like, one time I did take a bath of the guy last summer. Remember that? Yeah. And then I tried to take a bath in D.C. last summer as well and, like, at this very fancy hotel and it wasn't bubbling up. Like, it's a scam. There was no bubbles.

It's awkward to be. So then you see all your body parts. Yeah. It's weird. You're just like vaginas floating to the top. There's just balls in the top. Balls in the tub. Seriously. And I will say the least sexy position is crumpled up in a tub like that. Yes.

A new person. There's no pulse. It's not the funny part of the story. But I have hair extensions in. The hair extensions are at the third host of this podcast. This podcast brought you by hair extensions. So I'd been wearing them all day. I had to take them out because I was going to get into the tub with hair extensions.

So I was like, he was already in the bathroom. He'd gotten into the tub. And I was like, how do I get these out, not in front of him? And all I remember thinking is I got to take these. out and put them somewhere while I will remember that I've taken them out and put them like hide them. Because you're drunk, okay. And I just remember the last that I had was like, I'll put them in this place,

I'll find it tomorrow morning before he does. And though, famous last words, I'll remember. No. I don't remember where I put them. So I come downstairs this morning and I'm in the kitchen and I open a drawer to get a fork. No, no. They're not

in the silverware drawer. Your drunk mind is so elite. The rationale behind I'm putting these in the silverware drawer. No, I cannot. We'll obviously put this on YouTube for you guys. It looks so good with your gold silverware. I know, matches really well. So I, like, this is a beautiful photo.

Honestly, I love this. The last time he stayed here, he asked for a bottle of water and his way out in the morning, I was like he's going to ask for a bottle of water. And the more so I can't put it in the fridge. The fridge. If you, if I would have come in today, because I came with my leftovers, my hella fresh, and there would have been hair extensions in that fridge.

And then I'm new to the culture, so I'd have been like, oh, you just keep them cold. That's how you keep them fresh. I would gas let you so hard that you get to keep their temperature sensitive. I just, you know, like you wake up and you're so proud of your drunk self. Like, that was a good-ass idea. Because normally I'll crumble them up and stick them somewhere, and I will never find them again until the end of time. Yeah, but if he would have needed a utensil for.

something and saw those. That would have been the best thing would have ever happened. I remember one summer we were at, like, Matt's beach house. He kept the beach house through the winter. We were there in the winter. And a bunch of us went back to the beach house. We all crashed there after going out. And Matt's girlfriend at the time, like, ex-ex girlfriend a long time ago. The next morning we like could not find her purse. And we were like, where's her purse? Where's her purse? We looked everywhere in the freezer. In the freezer. And it was just like so her. I loved her. And I was just like, something, it's just so funny. It wasn't, like Matt wasn't surprised.

I see the leap she took as people keep money in the freezer. They like put it in tins in the freezer. I see the leap. Oh, my God, that is so funny. You never mean to ask you, and I don't know why I don't know this. When you were with that guy, this is pre-sparkalized last year, in the tub. Was there water in the tub? You guys were taking on the bath?

We were in a nice hotel. Okay. In New York. I was just down the street from my apartment. That the addition. I don't know why I like my mind. He wanted to get in the tub, obviously. But remember, that was my big water summer. I kept fucking in water. I did round it out with him in early fall and the summer. He was just like, let's get in the bath. But yeah, here's what I think also happened at that tub. And then earlier that summer, I tried to take a bath at that fancy hotel in D.C. They give you salts, which is obviously not bubbles. Bath salts don't do anything. I was dumping body wash, head and shoulders. It dumping it under the faucet. Yeah, we had no bubbles. I took that picture. awkward. You've seen the photo. Okay. We weren't naked, we were naked, but we sent a selfie to our

mutual friend who kind of like set us up a little bit. And we're like, we're in the bath. And we're like, we're in the bath at 3 a.m. That would be so satisfying if you sent that to me if I said somebody I sent you next morning, didn't I? Yeah, I love that. Love that photo. Can you have bathtub sex? Do you like it? We'd already started to hook up in the bedroom. We moved it to the bath. We started making out, and then we like stood and kind of started to have sex, I think. And then I was like, I'm going to slip. Like, our feet were still in the tub. I was like, I will die not doing what I loved. If I died in the bathtub off brand.

But you'd be in water. I feel like this is off brand for you. I would die having shower sex. That's how I'm going to go out. Getting water boarded in the shower. Giving a blow job in the shower. That's how she went out. I've never tried to give a blow job in the shower.

That's crazy. Well, yeah, I did that once. But, okay, anyway, the bathtub sex. It's just like a funny. Did you guys have sex? In the bathtub. In the tub. What position?

I was on top. On top in the tub. riding in the top. What do you mean? I don't know what's normal. I'm shaming you for no reason. I can't imagine. He was sitting up and I was straddling him.

I was on top of it. No, I can't even imagine. Also, like, I'm thinking of me in Sparkle Eyes. And he's six three. There's so many limbs. I'm 5'10. He's all the longest legs. Like, it would be insane looking.

It would look wild. It would look like a big spider. This just looked like some guy was in the tub with his daughter. I mean, I was... Daddy's taking a bath. It's bath time for a little Raina. Put your hair extensions in the subord.

Raina, put your hair extensions to the subord. You're enjoying Daddy for bath. If I called him Daddy and it was not received well. You're like in the tub with this man. You call him Daddy. Oh, my God. What did you just say to me? Have you called him that?

I don't think so. You've probably said some shit. You've been drunk. I've reeled it in. I've kept it in the box, you know. I'm building towards it. It's hard to give friction in the tub, though. It's like it doesn't feel like anything. No. I mean, and that's the thing, it's not a hot take. Like, you really cannot get penetrated in water that long. It starts to hurt. I mean, the guy's any sort of sizable penis. And even maybe if not, I wouldn't know. I haven't really experienced much of that. But it's just like you're not lubricated. It's not good. It's not a good lubrication. It doesn't feel good. If somebody even has a giant dick and you have the tightest pussy, in the world. It's too much lubrication and also not enough somehow. Well, you know what I was thinking, and we sell an amazing water-based lubricant, vibes only. It's called juiced up. Our lube is so elite. It is really the best of the market. I used to last night. It was great. Yeah, it's so good. You know, we've talked about developing a silicone-based one. And I bet you could use a little silicone-based

lube in the shower and it would be better off. I've actually been thinking about that. Yeah. Yeah. So, we got out of the tub and finished having sex upstairs. Okay. Okay. So how's it going? It's going good. It's going good. I just like, I can love them we're laughing so hard because I was like a little banged up this morning and I was talking to. A little. I need to be saving your voice notes because you're hungover voice notes.

It's giving deathbed. Like it's giving she's not going to make it. That's how I feel. Hey. You're croaking out the words. It's my favorite. I had already finished my avocado toast and my burrito by 10 a.m.

What time did you eat salmon? I'm like a laugh. And watch a comedy special. What a luxury? I watched John Mullaney's Connie special to 8.30 this morning. On a scale of like one to 10, 10 being the show we did in D.C. this year where I didn't know I was going to make it.

I'm at a nine. Wow. It's pretty bad. Like a top five hangover for the year. This is pretty bad. I threw up this morning. Yeah. But like I don't,

people are always like, how much did you drink? And it's like, I can probably four drinks the whole day, maybe five, between like one o'clock and 8 p.m., like I don't need that much. Yeah.

Consistent drinking all day. It doesn't make me feel good. Yeah. A lot of hot take. Alcohol does make you feel good. Totally. But I, Tesla got me a pediolite, and I'm feeling better. But I was talking to my ex and D.C.

this morning. You were so funny. You're like, you've talked to everybody that isn't active yours. We'll talk about all of them today. All you do is say in touch with your exes. I don't recommend it. This is not good dating advice. Well, him and I have the most platonic.

Yeah, yeah. He's totally just actually like a friend. This was so many years ago. Yes. So, so many years ago. But I said, like, I don't know what we're doing on this episode today. And he was like, just have Ashley maybe make fun of you. Have Ashley make fun of you for content?

And I was like, yeah, that's what we do. That's the show. You heard the show? Have you heard of us? Have you been to every live show we've ever done in D.C.? That's the show. Right. Yeah.

Especially D.C. this year, you were so hungover. Yeah. But I'm doing good today. I'm always excited. You're able to push through more than I am. You're like better hangover? Yeah.

I don't want to let you down. Well, I don't also get that hungover anymore. I don't get that drunk. Like, I can't handle it. I like ruins my life. Mm-hmm. Same. Yeah.

But you're really nice to be around when I'm hungover because you really feel my pain. Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah. I actually do like commiserate because you know how that feeling is. You're better, though, because other people are hung over and I'm like, you're just annoying me. Your inability to be present and do a good job is annoying me. And it doesn't seem to annoy you. So good for me.

Well, I felt a little, I mean, I just hadn't been drinking. Like, I wasn't like well. And so Kate and I got together this past Friday night and just like had wine. You know, we kind of like started six. I cooked dinner, cooked meatloaf, Hello Fresh. I didn't hear from you. I always know what I don't hear of you for a few hours. You're making your Hello Fresh. Yeah. And then we just like went outside. We were still drinking.

Then we opened another bottle. And then we like just hung out until midnight. Just like catching up and stuff. So it's just like a long time. No one is more dangerous than Kate. I know. She is the most dangerous friend you could ever have. She will never let you not drink. And she's always down for just one more. Well, she was saying to you because the next Saturday night we all went out. And I had said like, I kind of want some ice cream. and she's like, maybe we open another bottle.

Like, literally, I was like, do you want to go down to salt and straw? And she's like, how about we just open another bottle? And she says it so sweetly. She's this very sweet voice and she's like, maybe we just like have another bottle. And you're just like, you're so sweet. I can't say no. And you're so cool. I don't want to let you down.

And we had such a good bottle. So then I woke up just like not feeling totally great on Saturday morning. And this is something I've been doing with Sparkle Eyes is I want to like talk to him in the morning. It just makes me like feel better. So I'll just be like laying in my bed and he's up. He's been up for hours. you know, because he lives in the East Coast, and I'll just, like, have the phone laying next to me, like, on speaker and just, like, let him, like, get me back to life. It's just been really nice.

That's cute. I love that. I like that. He's really nice part to having a boyfriend. Oh, my God, so nice. Yeah. And he's, like, in a good moon. He's just, like, cheered me up. He's been awake. Yeah. So, if I have a mild hangover, it starts the day. Really nice for me. Oh, I love that for you. Yeah. Good job, Sparkleyes. Okay. So we are recording this before we go to Chicago, but we will have had the festival in Chicago that we headlined, EatsCon with the infatuation. And, I'm sure it was incredible. And they told us that it was like the quickest sellout they've had. So thank you guys for getting those tickets and coming out. And I'm sure it was amazing. If there was anything insane, we'll recap it on the next episode when we get back.

We're doing two this week. So we're getting like kind of ahead because then we're going to go to Dewey Beach right after. And yeah, Sparkle Eyes is coming to Chicago. So we're having like a little romantic weekend in Chicago. With me, Tessa. And Ashley, everybody's going. and the whole team. So we again are coming off of that. And then we are so excited the next show was going to be in London. And we still have a few tickets left in London. We are planning the show.

It's going to be so epic. We're going to do all the things that we do at a U.S. show, maybe even bigger. And then we have Texas and then we have the West Coast and we have the Southeast and then New York and Toronto at the end of the year. And then tickets at Girls Gottoeat.com. And if you guys are newer here, I'm sure we've new listeners this summer. The shows, the live shows are wild. Let's talk about it. The podcast is really fun. We do a topic every week, but the live shows are a wild circus. You can come by yourself, bring your stiguing other.

People playing their birthday parties or bachelorette's around it. It is the most fun. I love watching everybody with their pre-gaming parties and they get dressed up and they got to eat. Also, don't get dressed up. We're a stretch pants. I don't care. But it's just such a great time.

We open the show with dancers and drum lines and it's just wild. And we like share stuff that we don't share in the podcast. We keep it like in secret little space, big space in a lot of cases. And it really is unlike any show that's out there. So we really hope to see you guys in the road. I got to tell you one thing I'm so excited for. One of my favorite things is do. And now I have somebody to send all my hotel nudes to.

I'm so excited for you. Because I love nothing more than taking sexy picks in a nice hotel room. You can send them to me still. I sent you a nude yesterday. Yeah, I was at the nail salon. It came through and then I'm trying to do my, so she saw it. because my phone's on the table between us and I'm just using one hand. I feel like she's part of the family.

Oh, she is, totally. So my nail tech, I love her. And, you know, she's the only person I've done these extensions. It's a 90-minute process. And she's getting married in May of next year. And for an hour, we talked about Mexican weddings. And I learned a lot. You know, I'm kind of obsessed with, like, other wedding cultures.

Absolutely. I think it's so cool how they're all so different. And I feel like I know Jewish, Indian, like not all the ends and outs. but I didn't really know Mexican. Regular white people could not be more boring. I have been to the same wedding like 30 times. Yeah, totally. It's so basic.

So I was like really interested. They're having like 450 people. Oh my God. All this crazy stuff. And then you're not supposed to drink the day of your wedding. Like the bride and group. Or it's like bad luck. And she had like crazy stories in her family.

Like if you do, you're like cursed with like divorce or death. This does not sound like something that a fun culture would do. I don't know how to explain it. I mean, if you're doing religious, like, that's one thing that's kind of they, like, you can drink the day before, the day after. Everything revolves around food. At least, like, she was telling me, like, a lot of people get married like seven in the morning, the day of. They're doing like 10. Well, they're not, like, it was just, I learned a lot about, like, all the things that happen in, like, the three days of, like, a Mexican wedding.

I was just, like, hanging on every word. I love hearing about different, like, cultural wedding traditions. I actually have thought about this a lot if I ever get married, will I drink that day? I just really feel like my cousin didn't drink it on her wedding because she was just like this took me a year to plan I'm gonna remember every detail

and that's how I feel like I'll want to be like I just, you know me I have a drink and a half and I am gone You're also high on the dopamine the serotonin I always get those too confused maybe it's both to me it's the same thing Yeah it's a happy hormones

You really don't need I wouldn't need it Right Like if anything I would need it to calm down a little Because I get so so excited where I feel like jittery almost. But what I don't love and what you see a lot is, and I've seen it with friends even, is like the groom is like a little buzzed before the ceremony.

And I get it. You know, your friends are everybody's flown to see you in a lot of cases your own destination. But like I would want to be so like remember every single detail. And I would never want to be like drunk really. So many of my friends married people that drank all day. All day. Yeah.

The minute they woke up in their hammered. Which also is fine. if that's what you want to do. I think it's... I'm not that cool anymore. I don't know. I don't want to do it. I know, but like,

some people just do. It's like, that's, all right. I think most people do. I think my brother drank all day long. We had alcohol. All day long. Yeah. Like, you start getting ready

at like 9 a.m. I think my brother probably had had like a ton of drinks by the time we took photos. Yeah, all right. I had done a lot of drugs by the time we did. Photos. Oh my God. I want to be fresh.

As a daisy. Yes. My face gets drooping. Right. Like one drink. I look a little different. I mean, it's just, it's like such a personal preference, but I found that really interesting. And then she told me this, like, story about, like, a family member and then they were super wasted.

And then they, like, had a terrible tragedy. She had me believing in it's so hard. I was like, if I get married, I'm not drinking. And I was like, she was telling me stories. I was like, it's real. And I'm not religious or Mexican. Backing up with example if she'd receive. I was just like, oh, my God, it's a curse.

I believe it. I was so interested in this. Well, she's part of the family. I don't care if she saw my news. I don't care of everybody. in the room sign. I go to this place, Pinkies between Santa Monica and Venice, and every time I go there, it's like a meet and great. It's just like, everybody listens to the podcast.

And it's like really such a joy. I love him so much if you ever want a nail salon. But I feel like you're a nail tech and mine. They're part of the family. Yeah, oh, totally. Well, and she was out for a couple weeks and I needed it done, but I just got him removed and then waited for her to come back. Like, I'm not going to anyone else. And I was like, I had been panicked waiting for you to come back. And she was like, I know my clients are like freaking out. I'm like, you can't go on a honeymoon.

I would be so pissed. I'm going to revolve my nails around her for honeymoon. You told me she was leaving and I was like, I would die if my nail tag ever left. I would die. I would not be okay. And one of the guys at the slot did Beyonce's nails for Coachella a couple years ago and that's who did my spray paint. Whoa. He was like spraying this like marble color all over me. I love it.

Oh, I showed her that. So you were texting me, we were the nails, you were like an hour later than me. So you were texting me like, what should I get? And then I showed her and she was just like, yeah, I love those. So she approved. We just did my red, my iconic diva. Well, that's what you like. Yeah.

That's what you're going to hold hands with. Yep, that's what it is. Okay. Can we talk a little bit about our faces? What do you want to say about our faces? We went back to Barrett, Beverly Hills, which is where Raina got her third breast surgery. Not from them.

First two or from someone else. First one from them, yeah. And then this is where we get all of our face stuff. And it's just so fun when we're there. The whole T, the whole squad just comes in to, like, joke around with us. Something about it is so empowering. It's all these women in the room. And they're all smart.

They're all fun. I don't know if that's everybody's experience, but like, I love it. I've met every person at this practice and they're all the time that I had my boob job there. I'm doing this laser therapy. It's called Advah TX and I'll let you guys know how it is. It's just supposed to reduce the redness and like the thickness of scars. So I'll go back once a month. Yeah.

They didn't numb or anything. It's just a little bit hot and that's it. So I'll let you guys know how that goes. But I met everybody in that practice and I love everybody. I feel like I'm walking around like high fiving people like, good game, good game, good game. So Dr. Barrett, like I followed them on and he's like this celebrity surgery. whatever. So he's like kind of a celebrity in my mind. And I met him for the first time he was in the office. But his wife came in. I didn't know what was his wife. Oh, I never met her. You didn't meet his wife?

No, it was his birthday that day. So she was probably stopping about to say hello. So when you, we always stay in the same room. We get our Botoxin fillers. But Raina went next door. She did the laser where I was getting my Botox and fillers. And this woman comes in. She's like gorgeous. She's so nice. Oh, and Danny was like asking me about like sparkle eyes. And she was like, wait, is this a new boyfriend? Tell me everything. And I was like, what? Dr. Barrett's wife? Yes. And then she leaves there like, that's Dr. Dr. like, oh my God, an icon among us. I want to meet her. You're so lucky. She was so cool. So I don't know. I think people like always are curious about this kind of stuff. If you don't care, then you're just, you know, aging naturally, just speed ahead. Or you're like in your 20s. We always say Botox, but what I got is this brand new thing. This was FDA approved in the fall. And I remember reading about it. It's just supposed to be like a better, longer lasting, a little more natural looking. You get a little more movement in your

face, which some people don't want. I do. The same thing, whatever those things are called is Botox, disport. The things that like, you know, freeze your faces a little bit. I call it Botox. It's like calling a tissue a Kleenex. It's not what it's called. Botox is a brand name. So this is called Daxify and I love it and it kind of sets in right away. My thing is with my forehead, I get my forehead done. Like I'm always worried it's going to lower my brow. But Nurse Pam, she's such an incredible injector and she like puts it up so it brings my brows up. So I'm like loving it. And then I do what's called a lip flip. So I really don't want to get lip filler and I probably never will. but I don't have like the fullest lips, my top lip.

It just kind of like disappears a little bit when I smile. And I have a little bit of a gummier smile. So when I went before, she did a little Botox like under my nose to kind of relax that muscle and the lip flip. And the lip flip basically just makes your top lip look a little fuller. And for me personally, she did an amazing job. And when I smiled really hard, no gums, it looked perfect. But I didn't love my top lip being pushed down like day to day. Like I felt like my soft smile didn't look good.

I felt a little like the Grinch. Like I felt like it didn't work for. my face. Like, kind of like Cindy Lou Who. I don't know who wants that. Well, it just depends on how much you have there. Like, if you have a crazy, like, horse gummy smile, like, it would probably be better. But yeah, exactly what you're doing.

If you guys are watching it on YouTube, I felt like it was too lowered. But it looks gorgeous when I smiled really hard. But it's like, you kind of have to pick. So I was like, I just waited for that to go away. And then I went back and just did what is called the traditional lip flip. And they just put a little bit of the Botox, doxify, whatever you get. right at the top of your lip. It does hurt, but it's super quick. And it just kind of pulls that lip, but makes it like a little fuller and not as gummy. And I'm like obsessed with it. So I'm just like,

better. And they say it lasts like only a month, but mine's been like two plus months. Like even three months later, she was like, you still have some left. So if you are interested in exploring like the lip, I think this is good to start with before you go like full filler. This looks better to me than what you did the last time. It looks like way better. It looks really good. and it looks full and nice. You're so much better at remembering medical procedures and things that go in your face. You just, you rattled off all these names this morning

and I was like, is that the Botox? You're like, no, right, that's the filler. Then I've said something about your lip flips to open and time you're like, that's not the lip flip, it's the Botox. That's Daxify. That's Radius. Raina, come on. And I'm like, that's sculpture.

Six to nine months and you're like, no, we talked about this. It's like, I don't know what's wrong with me because I'm in the same room and they're putting needles in my face. I'm not paying attention to anything. Everybody's just being all nice. I'm like, how's your weekend? Who you sleeping with?

And you really catalog everything that's going on in there. Do you notice this that I don't know one thing that you were talking about? Yes, but I'm a little sensitive to it. So I'm like that person that's like, not too much, not too much, because I will freak out. And like, not that it's permanent, but I don't want to feel unhappy with something for even a week.

I mean, you know I got that one time where they did Botox in my bunny lines and it fucked my face for months. I was beside myself. I would smile and you went somewhere else. I looked crazy. I smiled and one of my eyes would like get bigger than the other. And this is like this was before. This was in New York. And this is what I asked for. And it was all correct. But I did forehead Botox, eye Botox and cheek filler and too much going on. And I felt like my face couldn't move. And I felt like I looked too big up here and I would just couldn't move. And some people really want that. So I like it. I like more structure in my cheeks. I hated it. And I was like again, but the stuff like sometimes can be a little swollen or puff. and then it goes down and it was fine. But those first couple weeks, I'm like panicked because, you know, you get in this thing of you're like, I did this to myself. I did this out of vanity, you know, and now I'm unhappy and God forbid something permanent happened. I mean, there's risks

associated with everything. Not really when you go to like a super reputable place. But it's just those things of just like, I always really err on the side of being really conservative. You do. Yeah. And then you always get upset at yourself when you do a little too much. But I'm like, I don't even notice it. You didn't like go so hard. Yeah. But we just love them. And we just like, always, like, sharing our experience. And I like to talk about the, like, names of these things and, like, what you can even, like, ask for. Uh-huh.

I feel like I'm really into this, like, Daxify thing. I'm too. Daxify is what? The Botox. I've been getting Botox for a long time since I was 30. It just a couple years, you guys. It just became, like, that's what you call the thing. And it's not always, like, Q-Tips and Kleenex?

Q-Tips. Yeah, it's cotton swab. Yeah. But I call it a Q-Tip. No, I know. But, like, who else makes it? Like, who else makes tissues besides Kleenex? Puffs.

A nose and need. Deserves Puffs indeed. Oh, it's because you got a drippy nose. You know about this? You don't think tissue stand. But cotton swabs, I think just generic. Is there any Q-Tip competitor? Who is Q-Tip's biggest competitor?

Maybe like Johnson and Johnson. Competitor. It's probably going to pull up like the wrapper. I don't think there's a challenger in the marketplace. They're just running the game. They own the game. Like, you know, you sometimes get the unbranded ones at, like, hotels that are just, like, wrapped up and they're, like, weird. Plastic in the middle.

Yeah. Stop it. It bends. You put in your ear, it bends in half. I would rather just have dirty ears. Okay. I should shower. That bath probably wasn't that clean.

The bath? The bath probably wasn't that clean. Oh, that was, like, your clean. Your cleanser. I took showers at night in Europe before getting into bed. The luxury of it all. unbelievable. You night showers really have got it figured out. That is so crazy what it feels like. To take a shower at night and then get into a bed wild. Never did it. All right. What? I'm not going to hype you for this because I've been pushing it. I'm not going to go back to it, but on vacation. It was nice. Okay. Yeah. You're a different person. Yeah, I'm a morning shower. Sometimes not at all.

All right. Last thing I wanted to say is I did just want to shout out to our teachers. Teachers are going back to school. A lot of them already have. I always forget how early sometimes they go back because I feel like when I was in school, we always went back like around Labor Day and it gets earlier and earlier. It's early in the south in Florida, whatever. But we always do, for the past few years, we've done like teachers, Amazon wish list because teachers, A, they are not paid enough. They're severely underpaid and they have to spend a lot of their own money on classroom supplies and things like books and even stuff like pencils and pens and learning accessories and all the things, even down to like cleaning wipes. They have to buy with the money out of their

pocket and decorating their classroom to make it fun and things like that. So teachers have been putting Amazon wish list together and then we share those and we have a big Google spreadsheet and this is in our Instagram highlights. So you can still submit as a teacher. If you want to submit for a friend and then click on that spreadsheet and just like pick one. There are a lot, but just pick one from the list and it'll take you right over to Amazon and you can just fulfill the whole list or you can just send a few things. It's just really nice. And, you know, teachers make these lists and they don't get all those things and, you know, they either to buy themselves or they go without. So we always just want to hype our teachers and they're so

important and makes me rage that they don't make more and what they have to deal with in today's landscape and everything. So we just want to hype that. And again, just go to our Instagram highlights teachers 2023 and you can find those documents. Yes. All right. Everything she said. We love all of our teachers. Okay. So I'm really excited to get this topic today about habitually going after people that are unavailable. So whether it is emotionally unavailable or they're in a relationship with other people or geographically undesirable, we'll break it down to different ones. But I felt really inspired about this article that I read in New York Mag this guy has a column called Ola Poppy. His name is J.P. Bramer. He's a writer and an author. And I just love his self-help column. He's so good. We quoted him before with the ghosting thing, I believe. He had the hot take on ghosting. I think he just says stuff that really like hits me in the chest. And this article, if you want to look it up, I'm not going to read the whole thing. But it's called I'm only into guys who are already in relation. And myself personally, that's not been an issue for me. I've traditionally just gone after people that are emotionally unavailable. But the advice in here applies to both. And there's just this paragraph that really like hit me in the chest. It really just shook me. I was like,

that's May. He said the common thread, I think, is lack of self-confidence. You don't feel ready for love or for the demands of a steady relationship. You prioritize fantasy over reality, affirmation, over commitment. And that's not a crime. But if you're not satisfied, you've got to make some changes. And then he talks about rethinking your relationship with yourself, your parents, and how you look at yourself and how you grew up and what love is to you and things like that. But it was really meaningful and it really shook me and I just have been thinking for years of why am I attracted to people like this? Because I don't dislike myself on the surface. I'm a confident person, but I have habitually gone after people that are unavailable emotionally

for a multitude of reasons. Well, I mean, I'd love you to talk about it a little bit more because I feel like our listeners are like, what do you mean you lack self-confidence? You know, I wouldn't think that about you. You don't really talk about that. I mean, you and I have discussed this so many hours, so many conversations. So, like, to me, I've always felt like there's a little bit of a disconnect in what you think you deserve in your career, in your life. The type of life you're living and deserving of and what you've created for yourself and all that and what you think you're deserving of romantically, I guess. It's like, to me, there's a little bit of disconnected.

Yeah, I think I, on the service, I really like myself. I think I appear really confident and that's not an act in any way. I don't ever walk in a room and think like, okay, act like you like yourself. I do like myself. I think I'm interesting and funny. I probably am the hardest on myself about my looks.

I always think, like, of all my friends, I've always thought like I'm the least pretty or I'm the, you know, I've always suffered from body dysmorphia. I look at my thighs next to my friend's thighs in a cab, and I'm like, I have the fattest thighs in this cab. Like I've always probably suffered with body dysmorphia more than not liking myself. I like myself.

I'm proud of what you and I do. I think I can hold a conversation with anybody. And I've had really wonderful relationships with really wonderful men. And I know when it feels secure and I've had people that I really trusted that I love long-term wonderful relationships with people. But it has been my pattern, especially in recent years, that I tend to seek out people that I don't on the service know right away that they're not available, but they are emotionally unavailable for having grown up with trauma, for not really wanting to be in a relationship.

They are not the right age for me. They don't live in the same place that I ever want to live. And I really have thought for years like, why do I? do this. And I do think just because something short-lived does not mean that it can't be important and meaningful in your life. And so I don't think every relationship I have to get into has to be a long-term. I'm going to marry this person. They're going to be a father of my children type of relationship. Short-term things are fine if they make you feel good. If there's no future. If you're like, this person's emotionally unavailable, but they're a good friend to me. I like talking to them.

As long as you're aware of what this person is bringing to your life. But I read this thing and it also really like stuck with me. And I think it's probably more so like this. It's more of like a fear of rejection than disliking myself. It's not a confidence thing. Yeah, because I feel like you're also like the person that says like I'll walk up to the hottest guy in the room and like you definitely give off that confidence whether you're like faking it or not. I feel it.

I think probably if I were like identify like the source of it is like if you pick people that are already unavailable when it doesn't work out, it does not hurt that bad. Exactly. And you can't be rejected by somebody that was never going to be yours in the first place. Yeah. And somebody that clearly has an avoidant attachment style that's inconsistent that you always feel like it's climbing Mount Everest to like build a connection with them. You can never truly feel rejected by this person because it's like, well, it was never

going to work out. This person is. I always knew. It was doomed to fail from the start. Like where someone that is like open and vulnerable and like actually available, it hurts way worse. If they just don't choose you because they were open, they just didn't want you. Like that's the narrative.

That to me is probably my biggest issue. And it's like it doesn't have to feel bad when this person rejects you or it fails because they were going to reject you and it was going to fail. Yeah. And you don't really have to give that much of yourself either. You don't have to be that open and intimate and let people in that much if you're just like, this probably isn't going to work out. I'm not getting that from them either.

And I wish I knew which article I copied this from. And I'm sorry, I'm reading just two sentences. But it's something you get used to after a couple of times until it eventually feels safe, a pain that is very familiar, sticking to it saves you from the possibility of experiencing new kinds of pain, like rejection from somebody who isn't emotionally unavailable. Yeah.

I mean, I've watched you this since the beginning of our friendship. And sometimes I'm like, it's so obvious to me that person is not available, whether they don't want to date anybody, whether they don't want to date you, whatever it is. Whether they're like just so fucked up or that's your complete fuck boy or like whatever it is. It's like so obvious to me. And then you still kind of like put a lot of time and energy into it. And like we want that attention and like develop relationships ultimately. Some of these people along the way have become like a friend or like you enter into like this thing that like isn't going to work out.

terms of a healthy relationship, if that is what you had wanted. Yes, which is not always what we want. You know, like, we can talk about personal experiences, but, you know, I think there was times in my life where I was, like, seeing somebody that was, like, 10 years younger or whatever. I'm also dating somebody younger now. That doesn't qualify under someone that's unavailable age, but they were available emotionally. They wanted to date me too. I just kind of knew this wasn't like my long-term match, but, like, it was somebody that, I guess, certainly wasn't unavailable. It just was like, they're probably not going to be anything more than, like, a short-lived romance or hookup or whatever, but like at least we were kind of on the same page.

It was like a mutual interest and availability. I think, I mean, nobody is one thing, right? I haven't necessarily wanted a long-term relationship. I travel so much. We're so busy, so it's been very convenient to find people like this. If somebody isn't really available, then you don't really have to lean into a relationship with them. And if you weave in it out of their life, they weave it out of yours, then it's fine. It doesn't matter. I also not necessarily looking to have children or get married. So I don't need to set the same goals as other people. it's okay if somebody quote unquote wastes my time as long as I enjoy them

because if I'm not looking for a father for my children and there's not a timestamp on it that it's fine. And as long as it doesn't feel too bad, it's also fine. Like I do feel there's a lot of value in something the last six months if it really is somebody that you feel a love for and it's fun. I think people like this who are emotionally unavailable, like the highs feel really high.

Yeah. And very small increments feel even better than like when somebody it's consistent because if they finally show up for you, they finally give you a little bit of themselves. They finally, like, are a little bit intimate. It feels so good because you're feeling like you're like winning something almost. Yeah. I mean, I've watched you do this.

Like, where it's like, I think of one person in particular, it was like, I thought we were done with him. Then he kind of came back around and you got into like the same cycle with him. And it was just like from the outside, it was like, there's never going to work. And it's not an insult to you. It has nothing to do with you. He liked you. It was just like, he's not going to pick you.

He might not pick anybody. Like, he's not a person that is even. close to being a emotionally available person you could be in a healthy, secure relationship. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But you'll like entertain it and I think you've grown a lot out of like those cycles. But you do still find yourself sometimes in these like, you know, I was reading this article, the cut article, or it's like this woman's like chronic thing was she's like, I always fall for my guy friends. She was like an artist and she was like I always end up in these like friendships and then I'm like in love with my guy friend and it's like never going to work or he doesn't

feel the same way or whatever it is. And it's just like we spend all our time together. and this can look a lot of different ways. Yeah, it's fine also to be with these people as long as you're not making them your whole world as they're not an excuse to not date other people. Like Nick Foyal was saying, like, if you guys are in a situation, you're not in a relationship,

but you let those people sort of fill the void. You talk to them at night, you hang out instead of going on dates, and fill a void. The one person in particular, I'm not trying to be like cryptic, but I've had somebody in my life for about four years. He's just been in and out of my life.

And I have a deep love for him. I care about him, but he comes from a lot of trauma. He's never going to be available to me. the way I need him to. He never has been. And any time I get him to a place of him being like, you're the person, I want to do this, he like punishes me by like retreating immediately. And that's what extremely avoidant people do.

At this point in my life, it doesn't bother me. I know what it is. I can read the room. But for a long time, it was upsetting and hard. And I was like, why can't I stop? And these people do make an impact on you. And the longer you allow somebody to be in your life, you feel a bond with them. And so it's almost like harder the longer.

At this point, I've known this person for four years. Right. call me tomorrow and I would really, you start to really care. Yeah, I really care about this person that he really knows me in like a very deep way. He's known me since the beginning of like touring and watch girls got to eat grow. And I feel like a deep bond to him. But that's like that would be insane to lean into that any further. Right.

And you do know better. And like I also don't want to come across like I'm coming down on you. I mean, I just want you to find a healthy, secure relationship and you are capable of it and you've done it since we've been friends. You know, like I do think it's a pattern of yours to an extent. I don't think it's your whole existence and dating. I think you really can lean into a relationship that feels really nice and secure.

I think these other things just can derail you sometimes. Yeah. And I forego what is right for what is easy sometimes, I guess, meaning like, yeah, I could lean into dating people that actually make sense for me and that are an appropriate age and live in the place I live and make an amount of money that makes sense for me,

the way that they live their lives, things like that. And I've allowed other people to kind of creep in and take my attention. And again, I'm not being hard on myself. Every person I'm talking about that I've done this with has made me laugh, has been smart. There's been a lot of value in those people. These are not terrible people.

They're actually great people that are really worthwhile. They're just not my people. And I've allowed that to derail me from being with people that could be really wonderful. And I had my last relationship ended, like seriously, I ended about two years ago. And that was a wonderful, loving relationship.

I have not one bad thing to say about the actual relationship. And I've had multiple long-term relationships with great people. It's just I do this other thing too sometimes. It's my toxic trait. I do this other thing too. All right, we really just dove right in, but I'd love to back up a little bit. I like the therapy session for me. Of course.

Can I read this email? Also, I want to say it before you know. I don't feel like you're coming down to me and nobody knows me better than you. And I wouldn't have done this episode on our show if I didn't want to talk about this. Yeah, obviously. I mean, it's just kind of like you guys sometimes, you hear us having conversations that we really have as best friends. Like, you know, Rain and I've had really deep heart to hearts. There's been tears of like her being upset about something and us trying to figure out why this happened and why escalated

such a way. And, you know, we both have flaws clearly. And when it comes to dating and nobody's perfect, this is not something that I feel like I suffer from, but I have like other shit going on too. But, you know, we have talked about this like at length and like how we can tie it back to like your family and like all this stuff. So it is just kind of stuff that we discuss privately too. Yeah. The goal is like for me, I love you. I think you're wonderful. Like I want you to feel, obviously like someone thinks you're a special as I think you are as you are, you know, as much as your friends and your family love you and our audience loves you, like that's the type of relationship you should be in and how someone should view you too.

You know, like if someone doesn't want to be with you, they don't deserve to be. I don't think of myself as being somebody that should be like just an option for a person. And I also have not felt treated like that. Like I feel like everybody I've been like this with has also leaned in and been like a co-conspirator with me and this. I'm not like,

you know, going after horrible fuck boys. But yeah, anyways. Okay, you have an email that you want to read. Well, we got this email and I just liked it and it like ties into some other topics we've

been talking about. So she emailed us. And again, we asked some questions on Instagram, which we'll go through the responses. But I think she basically was like trying to respond to the story. I was like, fuck this. I have too much to say. So she said, I sent you a lot of choppy responses to the story, but I feel very strongly about this topic. As I said, I just woke up from this pattern.

Side note, I now have three very available men that want me. Okay. One flying from Michigan to Raleigh to see me. But as America Ferreira so gorgeously put in Barbie, we as women are told we aren't enough, which is mainly based on all the mixed messaging of how we should be. I, like many other women, believe that I wasn't good enough, subsequently that I'd be rejected by men because I couldn't fit all these things I should have. So I fell in love with men in long-distance relationships or men that were far from emotionally available. Even men, I knew were just not the kind of person I wanted. Like if Raina dated a granola camping man, just wouldn't work. But as long as I picked these men, I could reaffirm the belief that I wasn't good enough. Then there was no need for the messy self-love and the pain of finding out we were always good enough and didn't deserve the shit. The grief we feel for our younger selves that we let get used and mistreated is overwhelming. But it's necessary. Unfortunately for us as women to have to get through. Hopefully this new generation raises women who don't have to feel that grief. The system is being broken as Barbie, Taylor, Beyonce, and so many other women have shown this summer alone. And there is nothing better than a community of women who carry the same pain as you. I'm very excited for you to cover this topic. However you do, I love what you do. I'm the oldest daughter, so I didn't have an older sister to teach me about boys, blow jobs, and so much more. Over the last few years, you two have become that for me. My best friend and I are coming to see you in ATL. And we are so excited what you do is so important women like you paved the way. for women like me to step into my femininity, my sexuality, and all the beautiful things about being a woman.

Thank you so much, lots of love. Hannah. Jeez. Love the women that listen to the show and the four men. And just she had to bring in the trifecta Barbie, Taylor, and Beyonce. I got chills on my leg. She says that. She says how a lot of you guys probably feel is this like doing it to reaffirm this like internal belief that you're not worthy, you know, which is really painful to think about.

It's hard. I'm a therapist, so I don't think she's wrong. She has said to me my whole life that I don't go after people that are on the same level as me. She's told me that since I was in high school. And it's not scary to be with people that aren't on your level. Somebody that, like, you know that you're smarter than, quicker than, or it's not going to work out with.

It's not scary to be with people like that. Because you know that you have the upper hand by knowing that, like, this could end and I knew it was going to end. So it doesn't matter. I don't know. Maybe I took a long way of explaining that. No, no. I was trying to think of how to put that into words, too.

this in my notes. I think you've said it better than I could have. But yeah, and I wonder how much it comes back down to like just really needing to feel that control, like the upper hand, like you said. You know, like that's where I get all fucked up is like feeling like I'm losing like control. Not that I need to have the upper hand or being a relationship. I'm in a relationship now that couldn't be better. And we're obviously both very much vulnerable and open and we're both putting ourselves out there to be hurt. It would be soul crushing to have him break up with me and vice versa for him. You know what I mean? Like there's no like upper hand here, upper hand there. thought process in my mind.

Like I've given myself fully to this relationship with the confidence that's gonna last. Yeah. Or, you know, right now it's great. But yeah, I've been in those places too where I'm like, I'm losing it. I'm losing control.

I'm gonna get hurt or I'm gonna get, I put myself out there too much. I'm gonna get embarrassed. You know, like all that stuff. So when it's easier to say, you're like, oh, well, that guy was a fuck boy to begin with. Obviously knew. And it's weird because you think like the person that's emotionally unavailable has the control,

but you also feel like you have the control because you're like, I knew this wasn't going to work. Yeah. So if they reject me, I knew they were going to if this ends. I knew it was never going to work out in the first place. They're too young.

They don't live in the same place as me. She mentioned long distance relationships, which I have sought out a lot in my life. I do think it's like a level of control. I can walk away from it and know like, well, that was never going to be a thing anyways. Okay, so let's talk about like what it looks like and the different forms it can take.

Yes, I wrote down the list from this article but signs that someone is emotionally unavailable. You feel like you always have to be perfect to keep them interested. I remember the main person I've done this with for years. I do kind of like catered him in conversations. I defer to him a little bit more. You feel like you're climbing out Everest every time you get close to them. It's like it's not natural to build intimacy with people like this. It's purposeful that they're not building it with you. They don't communicate consistently.

They struggle to be affectionate. They become awkward when you get physically or emotionally close. They may like empathy just for general things that you're going through. So I think that this looks like a fair weather person. When things are funny and exciting and you have a good day, they want to hear from you, they want to talk to you. When you have a bad day, they're not there to be your confidant, companion. That's not what they're there for. Those are some of the ones that I like from this list. They become uncomfortable when you express affection or emotions towards them. They drop a relationship completely at the first sign of emotional intimacy. And then, you know, there could just be like a general sense of this person is just not looking for a relationship for whatever reason.

They could be in another relationship, you know, like I think if you're a person who is most of the time going after married men or men in other relationships, it's a little bit of a different animal, but it still falls under the bucket of unavailable. It's off limits. Some people find that sexy. That's a lot of people's thing is like only wanting someone that someone else wants that someone else has. Then that's like a lot of that is wrapped up in validation, which is then wrapped up in insecurity. And that is just like the ultimate pick me, like you wanting to be chosen when someone is in another relationship. Yeah. And that's really needs to be explored. I want to dive into that with you. I mean, I think these are two different things. Emotionally unavailable.

people. I think that there's this notion of, I want to save somebody, I can change them. If somebody that's really emotionally available changes their mind about you, it's this feeling of being chosen. And you're just like, I did this thing that like, that was my problem with that book, Ugly Love, because it's a whole book about this girl chasing after this guy who's completely unavailable to her and she just gives him everything while he gives her nothing. And you're like, rooting for them to end up together. And you finish the book and you're like, this guy shit all over her and gave her nothing. carrying big.

Yeah. And it's just, I think it's like this thrill of the chase of being like, I'm the one that's going to fix him. I'm the one that's going to change him. And it feels so good when you climb that mountain. But like I said, people that are really emotionally avoidant tend to punish you for getting in there with them.

And they do that by retreating from you. Yeah. Not always, but it feels really bad. But anyway, so going after men that men or women that are in relationships with other people is like a whole other category because this is not a victimless crime. Right.

You know, like you are actively messing up somebody's relationship, like an innocent person. Well, that's on them. I mean, the person in their relationship, too. But we're getting into like Ariana Grande territory, whatever the truth may be. But if the truth is that she tends to go after people who are in relationships, obviously it's those people's responsibility to not cheat on their partners. Like, let's not make her this like villain. But if her or whoever, if that's what you are doing, it's more attractive to you,

someone that is already in a relationship, I mean, that's just got to be on you to explore maybe with a professional and like deal with. Unless you're like, too bad, I want to be like this. Break up with your girlfriend on board. I think you know what I'm saying. But if you're like, I don't want to be a homebreaker. Like, you know, I don't want to want this. We'll get into kind of like the ways that you can work on this.

But I just want to say that a lot of this or all of it can come from your childhood and your parents and your trauma and being caught up in a cycle of abandonment and choosing someone who you know will leave you in the end. so you can continue that cycle of abandonment and the insecurity feeling familiar to you. And this is upsetting to talk about. You know, like, it's not fair that you're a person that's like born to the world

and this is the hand that you're dealt and you're like, my romantic relationships are so fucked because of my parents. You know, like you didn't ask for that. This is what you were born into. And so I just want to validate that that so much of this comes from that. And you would probably know,

you know, at this stage in the game, if you're an adult listening this, you know that if you have, of, you know, that type of a broken family or abandonment issues or, you know, that type of insecurity and trauma, like, you know it and I feel for you. And, you know, I can't sit up here and be like, just don't do this because I don't come from that type of family. And I'm really lucky to come from like loving, supportive parents. And that is a lot of why I am the way that I am and why I seek out emotionally available people. And I don't want to even go down the road with

someone that seems like they're not going to want to be in a healthy relationship with me. You know, so some people just have a much more challenging road ahead to get to a place where they can, A, seek out and be, be comfortable in a healthy, secure relationship. And that's just like life, you know, it's not fair. But you should just think about how bad this feels and these things sort of play out. The cycle feels really bad when you're just like, I'm trying to choose this person, but I'm never going to be chosen. And whether they are in a relationship with somebody else or they're just not available to you for whatever reason, like, I think at some point you just have to get to the

place where you're like, this feels worse more often than it feels good. And I don't want to feel like this. And being somebody who's done both, I've been in romantic relationship with people that I really love, they're wonderful, fully committed to me. And I've been in these like cycles of unavailability. And it just feels really bad. And I'll pick real secure romantic love every day over that. And I'd rather be alone than like feel like this person is not. never going to choose me. It's a bad feeling. But I mean, my point is like it's a familiar feeling. So, like, it's hard to talk about this from two women who grew up in loving homes. You know, like you felt like you had a lot of love and support growing up, even their parents were divorced. But I understand and I want to be sensitive people that don't really know that feeling and the insecurity feels more familiar than the love insecurity. You know what I mean? So, like, you're just like leaning into what feels right and like continuing the cycle that you already had, that you were wired. from childhood. But I wanted to read these other four things. I just found this Instagram post. The account, this might be old, but the account is called your dot being. But it just says four

reasons why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners. And one is your parents or caregivers were often unavailable to you growing up. As an adult, you're drawn to a similar type of person because it feels familiar to you. Also, you're a fixer and you attach yourself to people who need help. You tend to give more than you get in relationships. I see that too, like fixer uppers, but that feels a little different to me than we're talking about. Three is your disconnected with yourself, you don't recognize your worth and struggle to consider your own needs, and four, there is a part of you that's emotionally unavailable or fears true intimacy, authenticity and vulnerability, which I think is true too. It's like the Spider-Man meme. It's like

which one of us is emotionally unavailable. You know, you were like picked them because you are the same way. Yeah. And like I said, I think I've been like that throughout the years too. I think I've just been like my cup overflow with. I don't have anything to get it. How many times did I said you over the years? Like if I had to prioritize a partner right now, they would hate me. They would hate me because you and I run two businesses. We're never around. like I'm trying to like have a relationship to my family and my friends. It's a lot to then give that to another person. Yeah, you have to choose.

And then you say that and then that is what you start to believe. You reinforce it even more by saying that. Like when you say things like, I'm too busy to have a partner and my life is too full. Like that's why kind of I stopped saying things like that because it reinforces that fact. And so don't say it out loud. You know, don't try to sound like a bad bitch. I'm not saying you. I'm saying me.

No, I want to be in a relationship. I stop speaking. like that. I've said on this podcast too that I keep saying these things, they become a self-fulfilling prophecy, that you're like, I'm so busy. And then it's like, oh, I've just let all these years go by. Right. Like, like, that Kelly was like, we have to reframe the way you speak. Like, say, like, my life is so full, but I do have time and energy for someone else to come in it and, you know, make it even full or like all the things, you know? And you do make time for people when you want to. Yeah. You know, like I've had relationships where we have this podcast and this other business and I figured it out.

Yeah. I was thinking about this, like my experience with this and I did it more when I was younger, where you kind of like romanticize that star cross lover shit. You know what I mean? Where you're like, it's almost like sexy that the world is against you. You know what I mean? Like you're like really doing it. Like I've grown out of that. But my whole life I haven't chosen emotionally available partners.

You know, this is like I've grown into like picking those people, being able to recognize the signs, you know, being able to spot those red flags and it becoming a turnoff to me that someone isn't available or isn't into me the same way that I'm into them. But I think when I was younger, like, I did romanticize that stuff. You know, like, I got into something with, like, my ex's friend, you know, that was, like, kind of doomed from the start, you know, where I did, like, the distance. It was just kind of like, we all kind of do that, like, kind of toxic stuff. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, I was thinking about the, like, being attracted to people that are in relationships thing. And that is just something that probably happens a lot more when you're younger. First of all the stakes are lower. As you get older, people are married and children. You're going to destroy somebody's family. It's a little different. Yeah. And then you've a reputation of your own that could be ruined.

I think that when I was younger, I would be at a restaurant and someone's boyfriend or husband would look at me and make eye contact and it would like thrill me, that someone couldn't take their eyes off of me even though they really shouldn't have. And now when something like that happens, I'm like fucking dirtbag. Sleas bag. Yeah. Like I don't think it's sexy at all. Yeah.

And I've just grown out of it. Like I think that a lot of people, and I get it, it is really toxic, but I do understand that you derive confidence being like, I am so sexy that this person couldn't help but do something so wrong. Yeah. And I think that affairs have a million different levels, but a guy that's just brazenly casually cheating on his significant other with you, like, you're not special.

It's not that great. You're not that gorgeous or amazing and wonderful. They're just kind of a scumbag that's looking to cheat. Listen, everything is case by case. But I used to think it was like really thrilling. Yeah. It's a rush. It's such a rush.

It's such an ego boost. You're like, they're not supposed to do this. They're going to risk it all for me. Yeah. And I find it really gross as I get older. Yeah. Yeah. I think like this stuff again, like sometimes really deeply ingrained from trauma and it can

needs to be kind of worked out via therapy and a lot of it is a mix and we'll kind of talk at the end of like the things you can do like the action items to do to kind of work on this within yourself. But I think that over time you like learn what makes someone available to open to you and you like hopefully get into a relationship or something where you know what that feels like or what you're looking for, that love and security and, like, mutual feelings. And you have to kind of train yourself. You have to, like, break these patterns and then, like, train yourself, your thinking where you believe that someone who isn't into you or is with someone else or doesn't

feel good about yourself or is, like, inconsistent and doesn't show up as someone that is not worthy of your time instead of someone that turns you on. Like, some of it is just, like, the mental gymnastics, like, all the other shit that we have to do. When we comes to, like, your career, or your body image or whatever is like a lot of self-talk and like training our own brains. And it's hard to retrain your brain because when you get somebody who's unavailable to be interested in you, the thrill is so exciting and it's so fun. And you might lack a little bit of that sort of quote unquote like butterflies and spark when you're with somebody that's just securely attached. They're intentional. They're showing up for you. You're like, why doesn't this feel

as exciting and thrilling as the other stuff felt? It's like because it's secure. Yeah. So I think you have to retrain your brain on like what feels good for me because like getting somebody who like it was so far off the table to be into you feels so good yeah but the end result will feel so bad right right and then if you get to a point with somebody where you're both so securely healthily in love like nothing feels better nothing will ever feel better wild yeah it's crazy you're like I can feel like I feel so lucky is everyone else have this like what is this so nice I I don't want to talk about some of the reasons why our listeners feel like they seek this out. And people were really vulnerable with us.

Yeah, I said Ashley, I was like, I can't believe that people are being so open. You were like, those are your people. I feel like we've all been there. We all have our reasons. Some of them we've already talked about, the childhood abandonment issues. I like this. If they struggle to support themselves, they'll need me. And then I have more power and control.

I mean, that is really vulnerable to admit. And I really thank whoever wrote that. And that kind of goes in a couple things of like, that's the deeper reason of being needed. I want someone that is struggling so they need me so I have more power and control. But I mean whether that person is emotionally unavailable or not, I mean who's to say?

But I think that a lot of these things just gets boiled down to like, well, you don't like yourself. It's self-esteem. It's like, it could be a hundred different reasons why you do this. I don't think I behave like this because I lack self-esteem. Yeah.

I like the stuff about parents a lot. This girl said my father figure was unavailable and that's how I associate love. You know, that's what you saw in the home, either between your parents, or like in my case, yes, my parents both raised me in a very, I felt emotionally supported. But there was a long period of time where my dad wasn't paying child support. My mom was so angry about it.

And I remember feeling they need to protect him all the time. But like, when you zoom out, my mom was like, I'm the victim here. You see that, right? I'm the victim. You're the victim. But he won't pay child support. But you prioritize him. You want to keep him safe.

And so, yeah, I grew up wanting to like make excuses for men, I think. That was my father. And I didn't like anybody to say anything bad about him. And so I probably associate a lot of this from childhood. And I'm just, I make excuses for people. Well, we said this before on one of our like long car ride talks. Like you're just a little more inclined to give men a pass. Yes.

Not for anything terrible. No. You know, but like your dad's an amazing person. We love him, you know, but he has his flaws. And, you know, growing up, you excused it and defended it. So like, of course you're going to do that a little bit more as an adult with men. You know, like it all kind of comes around full circle. But some of your stuff is probably wrapped into your mom too.

and that's for a professional to figure out. I can do the dad stuff pretty well, but when we get to like, I'm like, I, that just, because that's one of the things that, like, we talked about with Lori Gottlieb on our mom episode is, like, people always want to say women, all of our issues and dating comes from your dad, and it's not always. My mom fucked me up in a whole host of ways. Like, it's not always dad issues. They both are in my life.

I confuse spark for anxiety. So like what I was saying is like it feels like such a thrill, but it's like, I remember like the person I'm talking about that's like the through this whole episode. Like when I wouldn't hear from him for a week and he would call me, I was anxious all week and like I would feel so excited when he would like connect with me. But that's like de-stressing. Yes, I feel a spark with him. I care about him very deeply. But like it's almost like it feels so much better because you're so anxious. It's not a spark. Right. Well, until you outgrow it or you reframe it and then it's not hearing from that person for a week turns you off. Remember that guy I was talking to? who like I was so into him. He was so sexy and he was like a bad boy. It was like all the things. Like definitely just the picture of emotional unavailability. You know, but wants to kind of cosplay like he is available.

Once to kind of act like he's emotional and in touch with this, whatever the fuck, he's going to fake journal and all that kind of stuff. But we were talking nonstop consistently. And then he just kind of ghosted for a week. He didn't die. He was on Instagram stories. He was doing his thing.

And then he tried to circle back around. And I was so turned off when he finally came back around. I remember I was on my way to your house or one party and I sent you a screenshot. I was like, he's back, I'm going to deal with this. And you were like, see, you never. I was like, no, this will be quick. And I just, like, cut the cord.

I was like, I'm not interested. Like, again, that wasn't the first offense. Like, there were times before where he kind of phoned up. You, like, started a conversation or a joke or asked a question, and he just dropped off. And I find that really attractive to. Yeah. Yeah.

But it happened before. You know, everyone can get, like, a second chance. But, like, saw the writing on the wall. And I kind of, like, still leaned into it. I was just going to be fun. I was never, like, that's going to be my man. but I was turned off instead of like thrilled to hear from him. Like I was like, no, you don't get to just leave me on red for a whole ass week and then come back around with some bullshit excuses.

You have not been off the radar. You've been on the radar. I can see you are the radar. I think as you get older, that becomes less fun and thrilling. The stuff I used to just tolerate in my early 20s would just never get by me now. Yeah. I saw this one that like makes me sad, but it says I had to fight to earn love as a child, which I feel for that person and that like, makes sense as well. Like if you were fighting to earn love that like in a perfect world should be given

to you from your parents no matter what, you know, like that's the ideal child relationship is that you're not fighting to earn the love of your parents is like you do that forever potentially or at least until you kind of work that out, you're going to do that a romantic relationship. It's just a familiar feeling. That's what love feels like for you that I have to work for. I have to earn it. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. And then if you're that type of person, and it doesn't feel right to just have it given to you. You know what I mean? If it's easy, if someone just likes you outright, someone wants to be with you,

you haven't had to fight for it, you haven't had to go through a bunch of turmoil and struggle and pain and anxiety, it doesn't feel right. It's not going to sit right with you. That's going to make you more anxious. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is too easy. I wanted to hear what you thought about this. This is from the cut as well. This is Ask Polly.

This is the woman that wrote in. She was like, I'm an artist. I always fall for my friends. Like, she wrote a lot in. She was like really open with like what her situation was. And the writer wrote back. She said, one of the hardest things to do is give your love to someone who is looking right at you. One of the easiest things to do is to give your love to someone who doesn't care at all.

It's so easy to love someone who doesn't love you or isn't attracted you or isn't interested or is too busy to care. And when you're doing the easiest thing, even though it hurts you, that's a sign that you have to start doing hard work in order to feed yourself, respect yourself, and give yourself room to grow in the absence of big distractions like unavailable men and unwanted lovers. I mean, that's kind of like it's easy to just love this unavailable person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it is. Knowing that it's never going to work out. You can just, like, put all your time and energy into this thing you know is not going to work out.

Because you can just exist in it. Yeah. You know, like, you just don't have to think, like, what's the next step? Where is this building to? What's the next phase of intimacy? Because you're just like, this isn't going to work out. Mm-hmm. I think there are people on this girl said this too.

If I get them to like me, I feel like I've quote unquote one. I mean, it is this amazing chase. Like, I'll never forget how good it feels. I've had two separate people that I've been in this pattern with say to me, you're the person. You're the one. I haven't felt like this about anybody. Like, you're the one.

And then completely punish me for having said that to me by pulling away, by becoming distant. Like, they'll say this stuff to you. And it feels so good in the moment. Like, holy shit, I climbed this mountain. Yeah. And then they take it away. And you knew all along that they weren't like this. Like, I don't think the goal is to change people like this.

You're not going to. They have to change themselves. They have to want to change themselves. And even, like, that's kind of not real life. That's like kind of some fairy tale bullshit. That's like plain house. You know, that's like jumping ahead of the way a natural relationship should work. You don't go from like volatility, anxiety-ridden, up and down relationships to like,

you're the one and I've just been scared. And I'm finally ready to commit. And you're like, we're not even together. Right. What are you talking about? What do you mean? That's not how it works? I've been insecure-ass relationships.

I'm in one now. It's that how it works. He doesn't need to confess and say. some dramatic speech. You're the one. I know it's been hard. No, we're just, you know. When he called me and did that, I was just like,

I don't know what you want to say. We're not even together. We're not together. And if I say yes, are you going to change your entire personality? It's giving the notebook. It's not real. It's giving ugly love.

And I'm so mad at that book. I'm going to burn that book. I haven't even started it. I feel mad about it. Because like, it's 400 pages of will day, won't day. And then she changes him. And it's like, no. Not the exception to the rule.

Some people hate on Colleen. They do? Well, I don't know. Is this kind of sending the wrong message? Like, you can't want them all. Colleen has a lot of bangers, you know? Listen, we love Colleen, but I've gotten a few DMs like, don't support Colleen. It's just funny because like our friend Kelly, more your friend I talked about this last week and I, like, we both got through that book and then we were like, we were duped.

Yeah. Because you're rooting for this guy. And you're like, God damn it. Is the title kind of telling? It's an ugly love. I don't want an ugly love. What a beautiful, healthy, glowing love. This girl, I'm not giving anything any way.

This girl meets this guy. He's her brother's friend. And he says, like, I have two rules. Like, don't ask me about my past and don't expect a future. And she just, like, spends all 400 pages struggling with this and looking for every little crumb that he leaves. Because people like this will break at some point and tell you, they miss you. You're special.

You're wonderful. They're calling you all the time. You fun together. But, like, if it's not consistent, it's not a relationship. Right. Mike drop moment. I love that quote. Thanks.

Well, should we talk about some ways to fix this now that we've gotten everybody all rowed up and probably in their feels about it? So, Rhina and I did a lot of research. We read a lot of, you call me Rita? Like the water ice? No, maybe, though. So Rita and I were researching. We read a lot from different, like psychologists and therapists and therapists and people who are in the biz. everything kind of came back to the same types of things.

But I just found an article from Bustle. And we can just like break these down. I mean, number one is like notice the signs. That's kind of what we've been doing this episode. You know, you know the signs. I've been there. Yeah. Everybody.

Get honest with yourself about why you keep going after the same type. And if you're, you know, maybe a little bit younger, you may not know those answers. But like even coming from the Instagram question we did, like a lot of you do know, you know yourselves, you know? And that's the best place to start is the self-awareness. but sometimes the most painful, you're like, I know why I do this and I can't stop. I think all you have to know at the end of the day

is that something feels bad. And that's the first step at being like, I do want to choose a different path. Because ultimately everybody deserves to feel like they are being chosen, like they are secure like they are being loved. And if this feels consistently bad, which I completely relate to, then you have to lean into saying, like, how can I write this ship, you know?

And like you said, view the signs early on. Because like, otherwise you deepen this connection with this person and it becomes even harder to walk away. Yeah. Really hard. Okay, we have a new term. Okay. Cut the tethering. So it says, studies show that many individuals who report frequently getting hurt

and relationships report that they experience a sense of false hope. Denise Lemongelo, what I think of the last name? Is that real? Licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert based to Manhattan tells Bustle. Tethering is a new phenomenon that exists on the internet, which is meant to explain people who text frequently but never initiate dates or plans with a new person. Okay, so we know this. Just put a new word to it.

But constant texting can lead to fall. hope that a relationship might ensue if someone is texting you frequently but never setting up a plan. This can be an indicator that this person is emotionally unavailable and might be worth steering clear. Insist on identifying the relationship after some time. If a person wants to date you, but refuses to identify your relationship with a label, this can be an indicator that he or she is emotionally unavailable. And if you want to do a relationship test, listen back to our episode with Nick Vile about the only real plan of action that you have. Recognize that you're not bent to be their savior, which we talked about. A lot of people just have that like savior complex, need to feel

needed and then develop your sense of self and ask yourself, are you really ready for a relationship, which we said, you could be the emotionally unavailable one. But, you know, develop your sense of self-of-self, that's easier said than done. I mean, it takes a lifetime of work for some people to, like, work on their self-worth and self-love and value. But if you explore that this type of connection does not fulfill you, I think it's at least worth exploring yourself and what's going on. Yeah. If you explore it, I think you explore it. All right, Rita. So I explore a bunch of times. I've really held out for an hour and a half. This quote says,

if dating emotionally unavailable people stems from self-esteem issues, then work on developing a sense of confidence and worthiness. The way you feel about yourself directly affects your relationship with others and your dating life. When you feel confident and able to attract a great partner, you are no longer willing to accept anything less. And, you know, simple things like building a life that you like,

mastering a skill, new hobbies, interests, self-care, exercising, getting more sleep. Again, I just want to reiterate that a lot of stuff comes from your childhood, from your trauma. It's not so easily cured with a new hobby and exercise, but none of it is. It's not like, you just realize you deserve more and then just do it. Yeah. It's like, I think I deserve more.

If there's anybody that's a shiny beacon, she should be doing something different, it's me. She knows it. Yeah. You know, some of it is like what we talked about with Marsha Inhorn is like there's just kind of a discrepancy between men and women in the first place. You know, like I just want to validate

that it's hard out there. to find a good person. You know, like you're a woman, like most of our audience, and you love your life, you're, you know, attractive, successful, whatever, all the things. You have your family and friends and you're doing the things. And you're like, I'm great. My life is great.

I'm super happy. It's very difficult for me to find someone who I feel like I'm attracted to, who is like some level of success that I would want, if that's something that you're interested in. And also is like emotionally, like these things can be kind of hard to find. and you don't have to be a person that has a bunch of trauma and these things going on, and you could still find yourself caught up with somebody who just was like cute and fun. And then you're like, well, I haven't found somebody that makes me laugh in a minute.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Laughing is my kryptonite. It's sometimes not as deep. It could be like, there's just a lack of fucking people. Like I'm searching literally to find a needle in a haystack to find someone that has the qualities that I want and is available. I mean, I just want to validate that it's tough. I haven't had a serious relationship in six years.

Yeah. I mean, it's like, you find me something better if it's so easy. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to end this on a negative note, but it just want to validate that it's not so easy. I mean, if it was so easy, I'd be doing it. I mean, I am doing it. We had bathtub sex last night.

I'm a very nice person. Well, I mean, we'll see what happens, but, you know, it is someone that is emotionally available. Yes. And it makes sense for me. Like, isn't some, like, crazy. age difference. His lifestyle isn't so far outside of the realm. Like, he doesn't go camping on the weekends. Yeah. Oh. I know how it feels to be with emotionally available people and I know how it feels

and you find somebody that's just easy and it's secure and I'll choose that every day. Wait if I can find it. Here's the thing. You got to find it. You got to find it. Good luck out there. I'm just kidding. The hardest part of all of it. It's actually finding those people. I did it. I mean, I think some of it. is like, I like the manifesting episode we did. And I think that a lot of that advice is really valid of like what you think about yourself is what you put out into the world and what you're willing to accept is what you get back into the world, you know, from the world.

And I mean, you wouldn't go down this road with these people if you thought you deserved more and you're putting that out into the world and thought like, okay, like you said, if somebody's not consistently responding to you. If you start conversations they don't respond, then that's over with. Then we're going to be done with this. And that's easier said than done, but it's like one day at a time, you know? Yeah. And one day at a time and one person at a time.

You know, like the first time you break that pattern, that is a huge win for you. You know, like, and this can be small. The first time someone just is not being consistent, they're leaving your red, they're not showing up, whatever it is. And you just decide, like, I'm done with this. Like, it's going to feel really good. Instead of keeping them on your roster, keeping them on the back burner, just be done with them.

They're not worth your time. Like, those small things really add up. And then before you know, you've, like, evolved in the type of person that is seeking out the right type of people. I think of Amy Chan, who popped into my head as someone who did used to seek out the wrong type of people. And if you listen to our breakup boot camp episode from 2019, our first episode with Amy, she does talk about that and like breaking that pattern, I believe. I hope I'm like not miss speaking here.

But I'm pretty certain she talked about kind of like her insecurity growing up and like the type of partner she went after and how she was like, I realized that I needed to like break that pattern and go after a different type of person and like do something different. And so breaking patterns is a huge part of this. And we've had so many different episodes on that, you know, even with like James Clear, you know, like that's a large part of it. And those things all play a part in this as well. But I do remember, I feel like her speaking on this. And she like really did it.

She's in a really great relationship since then, I believe. They're still together and it's healthy. And so hopefully all these resources can help you start this journey. Yeah. If you are someone who goes after emotionally unavailable people or just straight up on available people. Yeah, like me. And you're not so broken and damaged. You can change it.

Yeah. We're never beyond hope and we're always evolving. Yeah. Look at me. All right. You feel good? I feel like we did it. I feel good.

Yeah, I feel great. You don't feel good. No. But you're not well. We are coming out with a new vibrator and I used it this morning and it is so good. What? We have really fun stuff coming out. If you guys are new here, we have sex with comedy called Vibs Only and we have an app with erotic

audio stories and all the toys are Bluetooth connected to the app. There's remote control, all the things. But we have some new toys coming out, new colors of existing toys. But we have a penetrative toy that we are coming out with and I used it this morning. Holy shit. Okay. Really, because she keeps so hard. Salmon.

I threw up this morning. I had a burrito. I masturbated. I've done a lot. I've done a lot. You need to go. Guys, Ranon, I can tell you're starting to slur a little. Tessa has said six times she's a big list.

I know she wants to go through her list. Oh, no. Okay. It's 430 with 30 minutes. This is 9 to 5. Okay, guys, Girls GottaEatat.com. Tour tickets. We cannot wait to see you on tour.

I can't wait to see that girl and her friend in Atlanta. Atlanta's probably sold out. But we have tickets in a lot of cities left. Come see us, make a trip out of it, do a little girl's trip. Catch a flight, not feelings. And we will see you on the tour.

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And we'll see you next week. Have a good week, guys.