Girls Gotta Eat - Doing It Doggy Style with Comedian Andrew Collin

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

We wanted to do a pet episode so we brought in comedian/dog walker Andrew Collin, and things went completely off the rails in the best way. We discuss pets and guys who are too obsessed with their dogs, along with a lot of NSFW topics. This episode is not for the easily offended and should probably be enjoyed in private where you can snort-laugh freely. Enjoy! Follow Andrew on Instagram @AndrewTCollin, catch him on Sirius XM's You Up with Nikki Glaser every Wednesday, and check out his podcast Happy Never After. Follow Girls Gotta Eat on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A dog licked my butt a little bit, not the inside of my ass, but I put peanut butter on my cheek as like a, as a dare when I was like a junior. Were you alone? Were you the person to dare you to tell? Who dared you? He's like the dog. Sorry we weren't all so cool in high school. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat podcast. Yes.

This is what I'm really excited about. Yes. Ashley has been really wanting to do this episode. And I am psyched. Yes, so excited. What's been going on? We're so good at this. I just forgot what we were supposed to talk about.

Hey, guys, we're here at Mouth Media, powered by Senheiser. Just right up top, I want to tell you guys, you always ask for, like, podcast recommendations. There's another podcast that records here called hashtag Moms Got This. Oh, it's like got a hashtag in the name. And my girlfriend, Michelle, who is a mom and just an all-around awesome boss, is actually one of the hosts of the show. 15-minute episodes, they come on every morning. It's the same guest all four days and a different topic every day. which I just realized this, that format is very interesting.

So I'm kind of, I'm very intrigued. Yeah, and I think that some people are looking for shorter things, their commute is a little bit shorter. Shorter-form content. 15 minutes. They have guests every week. They're usually entrepreneurial moms also that are working while they have children. Sometimes they have dads.

But a cool show you guys can check out that's also through our network. Yeah, and especially for the moms out there. Moms Got This. Hashtag Moms Got This. Check it out. And they are also with Mouth Media. Yeah. So they're the fan.

They're the fan. So we have a fun guest with us today. Before we get into it, we're going to do a little intro. We're going to call this the D.C. intro. Ooh, it really is, though. All right. Well, we both had little stories that sort of involved Washington, D.C., so hit me with it. So political.

It's literally about guys that we like. Okay. Politicians, we've fucked. Politicians we have fucked. So, yeah, we always talk about meeting guys out in the wild. and so I did meet a guy last weekend. These guys were in town from D.C. One guy lived here.

So it was like this one guy that lives in New York and then his friends are visiting from D.C. And I'll just tell you briefly how we met them. We were at a bar. I was supposed to have a birthday party that night and I canceled it. Okay. Thank you for interjecting. Rina literally, no, you canceled, rescheduled, canceled, rescheduled your birthday four times. I'm like, should I shower?

Are you having your birthday or not? At one point I was trying to convince Raina to go to her birthday party. I like to play hard to get, you know? I like to keep people on their toes. We were supposed to be at the birthday at 7 p.m. 6 p.m. She's like, birthday's canceled. I was like, this bitch. Well, it was an outdoor birthday party.

It was freezing cold. Right. It was weirdly cold. It was like very odd for like a weekend of June to be this cold and this. Yeah. Anyways, so then Ashley was... So you canceled your birthday. So I was like, well, I took it easy Friday night.

I had a show. And then I just was like, well, you know, we're going to get crung for this birthday. That you crushed. Thank you. I saw me do stand up for the first time. It was, I mean, I was shook. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it was really fun.

I hadn't done a show in a while, so I'm back. So we go out and we go to this place I like called Los Felice and it's very like, it gets kind of cool late night. But at this point it just wasn't that really packed yet. So we had a drink there and then we were leaving and these, this guy stopped us out the door and was like, you know, how guys do. It was like, ladies, where are you going? And we were like, uh, and then we kind of scan their group and they're like a group of four good

looking dudes. So we're like nowhere. We're not going anywhere. So we like turned around and went back to the bar. Like you can't pass that up. Like it's, I mean, there's just not enough groups of guys. Yes. So we hung out with these guys all night. And like I said, one guy was here from New York. It was his birthday. Some of these other guys were visiting his friends from D.C. They all grew up together in the D.C. area. And, yeah, I really hit it off with the one guy. People always want to know what I'm doing on the race front. He is black and purses. Blursion. Blurgeon.

Is that offensive? I don't know. If you're not offending someone, are you even doing the right thing? Right, you're not. He was not offended by that because my friend Alexis did call him that. And I was like, Alexis, it's 2018. I don't know if you can say blursion. He's like, it's fine.

Really cute, successful guy, kind of nerdy. I like him. But I'll tell you this. We hung out all night. We were dancing. I loved to dance. I was on fire that night. Ashley sent me a text at 3 in the morning.

She was like, I was on the dance floor, doing routine to this guy. I did a full-blown routine to a song by an artist that I don't want to name because he is a woman abuser, but you can't deny his songs or fire. Anyway, so we hung out all night. We ended up going back to my girlfriends that I was out with, their rooftop, did a little, like, post-party there. And he was like, let's exchange info.

And he takes my phone to put in his number. And again, I have a little PTSD from the guy that, like, took my phone to put in his number and didn't put in his phone number. Well, at least he gave you the neighborhood you met him in. He put the name with a restaurant where we met and his full name, no number. This guy put his phone number in the workplace bar. Get the fuck out of here. Guys, how are you not understanding how to put phone numbers in?

Get out of here. You didn't tell me this. This is crazy. So you can't click on that to call. I had to like copy paste. I'm like trying to remember. I'm like trying to text him. And then a little bit later in the night, he said something to my, to one of my girlfriends.

They're about to leave. And he said something to her about getting my number. and she was like, how do you, how did this? And she doesn't know my number off the top of her head. It was a very awkward exchange, and he left, and she was like, he was trying to get your number for me. I'm like, he had my phone in his hand. So can we just walk through this really quickly?

Let me walk for the men. Right. Here's what I do. But like really quickly, if a girl gives you her phone, here's what you do. Put the number in the phone and send me a text message with your names. That's what you do. And then you have her number. Everybody has everybody's number.

How do people, how are we dropping the ball on this, guys? 2018. Don't be out here. Don't be out there. How in the past three weeks, two guys have handed a guy on my phone to put his number and he can't figure it out. How is this happening? In the second guy's defense, it was late in night. You were at a club.

It was dark and you guys were drunk. The first guy was just too stupid. Right. The first guy was stupid, Jim, teacher Joe. But like he... But then anyway, so this guy definitely wanted me to have his number, but I had to like memorize it, input it. It was just a fucking nightmare. And so we have been texting and he's like, come visit.

So he's from D.C. He lives in D.C. he's very cute. Very hot body. Well, I went out. You know, we were dancing. I felt a little bit. You felt what was going on down there?

His pop up and say hello? It popped up and said hello. Okay, so we're going to go to D.C. It's like to ride that dick. I'm just kidding. Okay, but we are going to D.C. Because you have a friend you want to visit. Well, I went out with this guy on Friday night.

I have not met him, but I have a good vibe just because he's been watching my Instagram stories. So I like him. He's a great guy actually and he's a fan of the show. So that's not how I met him. I'm going to tell you guys how I met him, which is insane. But shout out to John. He loves our show. He's a great guy, John from D.C.

Anyways, we went out on Friday night. I cannot believe this person speaks to me. Right. I'm going to explain to you guys how I met him. Yeah. He is the epitome of like, if you cannot handle me at my worst, you do not deserve me at my best. Marilyn Monroe. I was like a tornado. Voice of a generation. You know, I love Marilyn and Roe quote. All the wrong quotes that people post. I'm kidding. Oh, all the wrong ones do they attribute to her?

Yes. I met this guy. It was a tornado of craziness. Like, you know me. I'm pretty even keeled. Yeah. Like I don't cry a lot. I don't have like highs and lows. There's a lot of things wrong with me. But like there's, none of my exes would be like she was crazy. Right, right, right. That's just not a thing that I do. Totally. I'll emasculate you and not listen to anything you have to say. Yeah, there's other things that I'll do. Right, right, right. Okay, so last year I go down to D.C. for Labor Day with somebody that I'm like a little more than acquaintance with. We're friends, I guess, very casual friends.

I'm going to go down to D.C. to visit this guy who I've dated on and off for three years. And together for a year, slept together for a long time on and off. We talk every day. Anyways, I'm going to go down there. I'm going to probably stay with him and hang out with him for the weekend. And the girl I was driving down with was going to go hang out with this other. guy John who I went out with on Friday night. She went to college with him.

Okay. I rent a car. I get a hotel. I have like a Cadillac SUV and a suite at the Ritz Carlton. The day before we leave, my ex calls me and tells me I met somebody. I think it's going to get kind of serious. I don't think I can see you. Which is just like, fuck you.

Could have done this like 48 hours ago. Right. But I'm like, okay. You're like in the car. I'm like, I mean, everything is booked and paid for. I have to go. Yeah. So I'm like, you know, I'm just going to go.

I don't have to see him, I guess. Or if I do, I don't have to sleep with him. him. So me and this girl drive down there. We pull up to, you know, this is the first time I've gone to D.C. in years I don't go straight to my ex's apartment. And it's just sort of sad for me, I guess. This person's been in my life for a really, really long time. And I'm realizing that that relationship is over. And I'm real sad about it, you know? And going to the city where he lives and being down the street from him and not seeing him is really hard for me. And I'm having like a really rough time about this. We pull up to John's apartment. He's like, goes to get my

suitcase out of the trunk. He's like, hey, it's great to meet you. I'm like, yeah, I mean, whatever. Like go fuck yourself, John Right, like fuck you for not being my ex-boyfriend, I don't know He goes to be a gentleman to get my suitcase out of the trunk so I can change Yeah I have not zipped my suitcase up properly And it is pouring down rain in D.C. He pulls my suitcase out, all my stuff comes out of the suitcase

And I literally just stood there and I would... Normally I'm so bubbly and sweet I would have been on the floor helping I was just like... Can you get that? Really, dude? Are you serious? We go into his apartment He tries to do like the sweet gentleman

womanly thing, go get us a bottle of, like, some bottles of wine. Yeah. He comes back to his apartment. I'm sobbing in his living room. I'm so upset. I, like, cannot deal with, like, what is happening right now. It's too much. I'm crying.

I'm texting with my ex-boyfriend back and forth. We have a couple drinks to John's place. My ex finally is, like, come see me. Like, I want to be with you. He caved. They always cave. They always cave. He was watching my Instagram stories.

He's like, who are you doing? What are you going to do tonight? Where are you going to go? Snapchat story, Snapchat story, finally. You just like, you send them a tit pick. And he's like, come over. I know you did. He knows what these girls look like.

You have to remind him. So I pop up at this total stranger's apartment. I'm like, can I take a shower? Yeah. I take a shower at John's apartment. Stranger. Total. Stranger danger.

I've known him for 25 minutes. I'm with a friend of mine. You want to pick up your wet clothes off the pavement. He saw you hysterically crying. And now you're like, can I use your shower? Yes. And he's like, you know what? I could date that girl.

So I take a shower. I get dressed. I leave my car and my suitcase at Johns. and I go to see my ex. We sleep together. All kinds of terrible things happen. I wake up in the morning. I don't need to like whatever.

So anyways, anyways, I'm like, all right, I gotta go. So anyways, then I have 2% left on my cell phone. So I cannot call an Uber. I have to walk back to John's apartment. And then we spent the day together and I was a horrible piece of shit

for the next two days also just crying and being super unpleasant. So anyways, this is the guy who went out on Friday. Well, that's great. I mean, again, like Marilyn said, if you could handle me of my horse. I mean, you know me.

Is that the worst you've ever? Yeah, like, it's funny. Like, I mean, I'm telling you, like, you really confuse the shit out of a guy. And they're like, whoa, she's so crazy. She's, like, happy and she's sad. And her shit's on the ground. And then you're like, they're like, they get off on it. I mean, I was, this is the lowest.

I mean, this guy, my ex really took me for a run. All right, guys. So we're going to take a drip to D.C. John, we're coming for you. Anyways, thank you, John, for a lovely evening. We had a lot of fun. We're going to come visit you in D.C. But are you like him like that?

He's listening. He listens to his... Put you out of the spot. He texted me from the gym on Monday mornings to tell me about the episodes. So... You're being so coy. All right, let's end this intro

because we have a very special... Are you okay? Yeah, no, we just talked a lot. I know, that was long. All right, guys, we have a guest today. We are excited about. He was a friend of Ashley's. Yes, he's a hilarious comedian,

and he's going to tell you about all the stuff that he's doing. He's doing some very cool stuff on a radio show a little bigger than ours. and we like to talk of Andrew Collins. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. I can't wait to meet John.

I'm excited. Oh yeah, we're all going. Everybody's room. He texts me from the gym. He texts me from the gym. In between sets of squats. He fucking texts me how sweet the show is. I fucking love John in his fucking 12 pack.

But if you're out there, John, hit me up on Instagram. Follow me, bro. And we'll fucking do some deadlifts on Mondays and text bitches. All right, so what's up, guys? Not at the end of our episode. All right, cut, cut. Can you introduce yourself and talk about, like, what you do, like, what makes you special? Why are you here?

Oh, my God. Nothing makes me special. Let's start with how old are you where you're from? How old am I where I'm from? I'm 38. I'm from Florida. My dad's from New York originally. My mom's from Chicago. Good cities to be from?

Yeah, and my dad was, do you want, like, the whole story? No, no, no. I'm not interviewing your parents. I'm interviewing you. Yeah, well, okay, yeah. So I'm from Florida, small town in Florida. I was born in Miami, but I was raised like two hours north of Miami. Cool.

Which Florida gets... I went to school at Tulane in New Orleans. Oh, a lot of New Orleans. Yeah, New Orleans was very fun. A lot of ridiculous stories and just very drunk, very stupid. I was a mess. As college should be. Yeah, but especially New Orleans, I feel like.

Yeah, that's a crazy place to go to college. It was. People literally take vacations there just to, like, get wasted. As much as I drank in college, I can imagine, like, a new world, that's just insane. Yeah. So how long have you been here again? I've been here for seven years. Okay.

I moved here to do stand up. I started in West Palm Beach for a year. Do you stand up there? Yeah. Okay. And yeah, I don't know. So you're a comedian. Okay.

Yeah, so now I do stand up. And you're doing radio stuff with- Yeah, I'm on you up with Nikki Glazer once a week, which is on Sirius XM on Channel 95. Yes. And, yeah, it's been fun. It's been a good time. So is Nikki, and I'm a big fan. I'm like a old friend of yours, right?

No, no. So when I'm not being an amazing comedian, I actually pick up dog shit professionally and with both hands. Why, you're a renaissance man. I really am. It took that Tulane degree and I worked it. And no, I was actually, so what I do, I'm on Instagram and I like dance with the dogs. Yeah, we're going to post all this guys. I'm very dumb with the dog.

I'm a horrible dog walker. Other people's dogs. I'm terrible. Do not hire me. I will kill your dog. But I'm pretty funny, like, for 30 seconds, like dancing. So I dance with the dogs, and I'm ridiculous. And Nikki was living in L.A.

And, oh, when she was in New York, she took a picture of me walking a dog with wheels. Like, it has, like, its back legs. There's one in my neighborhood. There's a cordy that has, like, a little wheelchair. Yeah, this was, like a big one, like 90 pounds on wheels. Yeah. It was like a robo dog. And I had to put it in the wheels.

It was very tough. It was very annoying. But it was great because people would come up to me like you're doing the Lord's work. I'm like I'm just... That's cute though. Like you put it in the wheelchair. Yeah, that's true. You know what I am doing the Lord's work?

I feel very like that would be like tugs of my heartstrings. Not me, but we're going to get into that. Yeah. So anyway, so she took a picture of me. She didn't know me, Nikki. Oh, she didn't? No. And she took a picture of me walking this robo dog.

Okay. And then a comedian, she put it on Instagram. A comedian told her... A lot of people know each other in comedy. Yeah. Yeah. So she told her that I was a comedian, like, wrote on her. Oh.

And then she started following me from there. This was, like, six years ago. She started following me on Instagram. Okay. Then I've been absurd on Instagram. And then when she moved back from L.A., she hit me up. She's like, are you still walking dogs? Probably not.

I was like, more than ever. And, uh, and, yeah, comedy isn't going as well as you would think from my... She's like, you're definitely not walking dogs anymore. Like, actually. It's been eight years, and you're 308 years old. There's no way you're still picking up dog shit. At least you're consistent. I really am.

So anyways, so then she, she hired me because I was walking dogs in Chelsea. To walk her dogs. To walk her dogs. Aw. And then, like, we connected through that. And then I did, like, some test runs on her show. It's really the American dream, you know, when you think about it.

Well, so, but you're not, now you're a weekly guest, right? Yeah, I'm a weekly guest. Do you talk about the dogs? Did you kind of go in as, like, the dog? Yeah, I came in as a dog whisper, actually. Dog whisper. Lispur, actually, which I named myself. Because I have a little bit of a lisp.

Whatever. It's self-named. So it doesn't feel like an insult. So I was just like this stupid dog list for her, but now she doesn't even have her dogs anymore. I saw she's the heart of her dog. She's given to, like, our parents or something. Yeah, she given to her parents.

Right. She's not Lena Dunham who gave away her fucking dog. Can't stand her. Sorry, Raina. Lena Dunham gave away her dog. Pisses me off. Oh, I thought you were apologizing to me because, like, yeah. No, I like Lena Dunham because I'd like to show.

Yeah. Anyway, Ashley and I had like one of our first fights the other day about Lena Donum, but, well, I digress. She gave away her dog. Fuck her forever. Okay, so this is our... Ashley, I love. Love you.

This is our pet episode. Yes. We've been wanting to do a pet episode. Okay. So let me ask you this. Do you really know anything about dogs? No. You brought on the wrong person for a pet episode, but I didn't want to tell you that yesterday.

I didn't want to have that feeling, but you're a dog-liss-bar. They got four legs. They fucking, I don't know. He needs to be like a pet doctor and be on the show? No, no. But do you want to like take a pause and go find a veteran there to you? Yeah. And he was drunk.

I was drunk. Okay, there's a video of Andrew. This is the one I think we'll post on our Instagram. It is probably the first. person I saw. And I was like, oh, wow, okay. I think you had like a big, big dog, shaggy dog, one on each hip. And you were dancing, like, thrusting to like, where do you see my dick? That song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whisper song. With someone else's dog, like, do they see this? Yes, they do. Those owners do see it. And they love it. They were actually at my show last night.

Okay. So they're like more of it. I did a podcast with their dogs. Like, I'm like, yeah, I'm absurd with their dogs. You're like an amateur veterinarian the way that like some, a guy that had sex with a lot of girls, like an amateur gynecologist. Like, you have like an amateur dirt? No, I fuck the dogs. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I think you, in a roundabout way,

say I fucked dogs. Would you let a dog, like your balls? We'll cut this. Greta! No, I have. I have. I have. I was young.

I was dumb. I was 24. Oh, my God. The shit I did in college. The shit I did in college. I was young. I was 24. No, yeah, it is what it is.

19 for me was that year. Yeah. All the things. Was he at the gym? The dog did a dog like your vagina? No, but a lot of other people did. That's fine. There's a big difference between a lot of people at a talk.

I had my first and only three-sum when I was 19. But still not. How'd that go? I didn't really enjoy it. I were like, Ashley knows that, like, a lot of attention. Really? And I really hate sharing attention with other people. Like, so really quickly.

I had one orgy once. It was tor-I did terrible. With people or... Orgy? With people, with humans. Yeah, with humans. No, there was two cats and a parakeet and a schizzo. Was it an orgy or three-sum?

It was pretty cool, huh? Or a G or three-sum? It was a five-sum. How many dudes? How many girls? Four dudes, one guy, me. No, no, I'm kidding. No, it was three girls, two guys.

Three girls, two guys. They were younger. Okay. And they were like 20 and we were 25. But I knew them when they were like 10 and I was 15. They were like my buddy's younger sister, friends. This is sounding worse and worse. Is this in Florida?

Of course it is. Yeah, I'd rather go back to fucking dogs. You ever think fucking dogs would sound better? No, so I thought. Let's tell what happened last night on the street also. No, keep going. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I was, like, kind of fucked in my head.

I'm not actually, believe it or not, a Casanova. Like, I don't. Like, I'm not, like, whatever. I'm not fully confident with fucking, but, like, my buddy Kelly didn't know these girls. So, like, I was, like, kind of fucked in the head. But they were of eight, like, there was nothing weird about it, other than there was a past.

But you, like, knew them when they were 10. Yeah. I don't even want you to bring that up. It's just weird that you brought up. I love that he brought up because it's so Florida. Because that is, like, I've had sex with people I knew when I was 10. I don't, like, lead with that. Yeah, well, I know.

Well, you know, that's why they pay me no money on radio. No, so, no, but I think I lead with it because it was affecting my psyche because I am a good guy somewhere. Gotcha, gotcha. But not really, but I'm okay. So we're in the room and I'm like kissing the girl and Kelly does, or my buddy, my friend. Whatever, I don't give a shit. He would love it. So he's on the floor with two girls, one on his face, one riding him, and he's like killing it.

Okay. And I'm on, I can't get hard. I'm like so like in my head. And so Kelly is like on the floor giving me like a thumbs up like Bob Dole. Like I don't even see them. And so I'm like, oh my God. So I go down on the girl, but I'm still not getting hard. I'm trying to buy time.

And I'm like, all right, just get your shit together, Andrew. And I'm like, all right, I'll just go in the bathroom and I'll just talk to myself for a while. You know, like an, you know, whatever. That's when you bring in a dog. I should have brought in the dog. But I have a Rottweiler. He's mean. All right, back to the threesome, Stan Task.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. We're trying to keep it on brand. Okay, so... On topic, though. So I go, I start walking, and the girl that I'm hooking up with jumps on Kelly's hand. So he's one on his hand, one on his face, one riding him. He's disappeared into an abyss of vagina.

And I'm in the bathroom, and I'm like, what the fuck? Like, step it up, you know? This is your dream. And so I start fluffing myself. I'm trying to get hard. And then finally it happens. Yeah, I came. Shut up.

I swear to God, is real. It's true. I swear it is. It is. It is. but it's completely true. With three girls. Fucking three girls.

And you're alone. And I'm coming in and looking at myself in the mirror. And I wasn't even hard. I don't even know how it came out. So I don't even go back in. I should have went back in. Did you leave? I fucking went downstairs.

I should have like got a deviled eggs or gave him a towel. I just went downstairs and I just watched fucking sports center and a hot pocket. And then Kelly came down. He's like, what the fuck, bro? That was my dream. I was my dream. where were you? And I was like, oh, I got mine, bro. And he's like, no, really, what the fuck happened to you?

I was like, oh, I came alone in the bathroom. And so it was like a lonesome more than a fivesome. But anyways, it was fun. Also, like, can we just back up? I can't imagine. I can't imagine, like, it being an orgy, and I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? Go sit on that guy's hand. Like, what is that about?

I imagine, like, some teacup, Alice in Wonderland thing. Like, she's just, like, sitting there. Like the emoji girl that goes like this, like with her hand up. I believe they were rotating from, I mean, he was in there, a good hour. Like his finger was up and she was rotating? I don't know. It was dark in there and I was sad. I mean, you know, they were all having fun.

They were all saying his name. He had a blast. Right. It was his dream. That's my, that's a. I didn't have to tell anyone that either. You know what I mean? That could have died with me.

Like, but I told Kelly, right away. You're a comedian. Like, you live for that shit. Yeah, I live for. Yeah. It's such good stories. So last night, just speaking of fucking dogs, so I have a gorgeous dog. Have you seen my dog on Instagram?

I think so. He's so handsome. Like he's, I'll show you. I mean, he's beautiful. He's this 80 pound dog. Like people stop us in the street every day. Like people of like all races, like homeless, people with homes. Like people can't get nothing.

Like I'm a huge group of like gang members will literally walk by. I'm like, damn, that's a good looking dog. Gang members, huh? That's Ashley's target audience, gang members. I'm just saying the crips and the bloods are fighting out of rats. Ashley's pleasant. Gang members in the East Village are just so bad. Have you seen them lately?

I'm just saying the hardest. We're wearing their colors. They're supreme. Dry by shooting. Gang members. How many gang members have you seen? Did you see what she's wearing today now? Where are you walking?

When I take a cab to the Bronx and I walk my little chihuahua at Dating Towns. I'm just saying like the hardest core people. The hardest core. I think he's so good looking. So yesterday Rayne and I are walking and these, this guy's hanging out of this van. van or whatever. And I assume they're hitting on us. I'm like, yelling stuff and I'm like, Ashley, let's just keep walking.

We assume they're all in at us and we're like, you know, we're like ignore, ignore, don't engage or whatever. And then finally I hear the guy go, ladies, what kind of dog is that? Like, he had to know. And in my mind, I'm like, oh, he's like a nice guy. You like actually wants to know what kind of this is. Wait for it. And so I'm like, he's a collie mix. I'm like yelling and I'm like, oh, you know, that's how to get me to speak to anybody's,

like talk about, I'll keep my dog is. And so they drive. He's like, thank you, thank you. Drives away. and I hear him go, I want to fuck your dog. A whole body out the window. It took me a minute. I was like, did he say he wanted to fuck us? And Rainey goes, he said he wanted to fuck your dog.

I was like, wow. That's like, now you want to fuck him because he doesn't want to fuck you. Yeah, he was just playing. That's a great move. So have you done that or? Like yelled that out. I told someone that I want to fuck their dog so I can fuck her. Yeah, it happens all the time.

No, that's never happened. But no, it's a good move by the guy. Okay. So let's, we talk about, we've a lot of topics, but we may or may not get to him. I don't know. Let's just shoot the shit. The stuff that we're going to talk about today was like when you start dating a guy that's like clearly in a relationship with his dog.

Yeah. And like somebody messaged us and she was like this guy. He's two into his dog. Well, he lets the dog watches them have sex. Okay. Which is just like, I don't like that. Yeah. Do you deal with a lot of like crazy dog parents that are like obsessed with their dogs?

Yeah. Insane. Right. Insane. Well, I only have two clients. But they're both. But they're both insane. Yeah.

All right. Well, three. They're insane enough for all. of them. Yeah, I have one guy, he's, he's like a billionaire. He's like this real estate billionaire. I figured they were like, I mean, I see the houses you're in. He lives in his building, Ryan Reynolds, Blake lively, cheese. Which dog are they? Jake Gyllenhaal. The two toy poodles. The two poodles. Yeah. Did you, you did like a despisito dance with them, right? Yes, I did. Yeah. Yeah. We'll post that as well. But I was very, he, he's very rich.

He has two toys. It's a crazy story, actually. Tell it. Well, he sat. But whatever. Oh, shit. It's not that sad. I'll make it funny. So his ex-fiancee killed herself. Okay, but she did. And they were her toy poodles.

So then she left him these dogs. And so he got divorced, got with this new. I don't know if they were ex-fiance. Maybe they were still. And so she committed suicide. He got the dogs. So now these toy poodles were her dogs. Right.

So now. It's a daily reminder of his dead ex. Yeah, of his dead ex. Right. And then his kids don't really like them because of the divorce. So he's, like, obsessed with these dogs, right? Like, like the kids he had with this girl. Exactly.

Okay. And the four kids, he's not really connected with. Like, they're, like, very spoiled, like, very rich, like, annoying kids. Oh, man, I wish I was spoiled. But the dogs are very annoying and spoiled, too. Like, they get haircuts once a week. Yeah. One's on Prozac.

Right. One of the dogs on Prozac, Eddie. Yeah. Like, he can't even bite hard, but they... He's on pro. Yeah. And so he's obsessed with these dogs. and he's like make sure their paws are clean when you come back.

Like a lot of rules. Like if my dog sit there, I can't have anyone over and make sure. I don't know. Whatever. Like these dogs live an incredible life. Right. I wouldn't be these dogs. I wish I was Eddie.

Yeah. Or Bell. No, you want Bell. There's any of Bell. I was actually taking a shit. She wants the drugs. I was taking a shit yesterday at his place and he was like talking to the dog and he didn't know I was home.

He's like, oh, hey Eddie. Hey, Bell, who wants my love? Who wants it? Who wants my love? Who wants it? Who's the king? Who's the queen? Who's the queen?

And I was like, should I never come out of a shitter? And then like, I was like... You live there now? Yeah, I live there now. I'm actually calling in. Yeah, I didn't know whether to come out or not. And then it got quiet.

And then he's like, yeah, he just got haircuts. Who's soft like a feather and pillows? Who's a good doggy? And then I come out and he's like, you were in there. And I was like, yeah, I'm in there. Just shit. I didn't say I was shit But I was pretty much

And then he's like Make sure her paws are clean You know Then you gotta get like very like alpha Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Oh my god Yeah

He'd like start barking orders at you Yeah Actually barking Okay Was that a pun or? So Ashley and I Because Ashley is a dog parent Yeah

And I've never had a pet before in my life Okay So we like wanted to talk about Like when you start dating Somebody that has a pet And like what that's like So but for that guy right He has a new wife

And she has to come in to this relationship He has, and she hates the dogs. Do you think she hates him because she's not a dog person? She hates how he's so obsessed. It's both. I think she's obsessed with cleaning, like being a clean house. At least they don't show. It's probably his actions that are causing her to hate the dog.

Nobody hates a dog. Well, I mean, terrible people hate the dog. Some people don't like dogs at all. I don't really want an animal in my home. Just to be a totally, I said, I'd grow up with one. I don't like the way they smell. My dog doesn't smell, so just to sort of clear. Yeah, too clear. I mean, Dewey is an angel, but not every dog is like Dewey.

Yeah. I don't know. For me, like the hair and the noise and the smell, I don't want it. I just think, like, if you're dating a guy, right, or a girl, whatever, and they have a, if they shared a dog with her, the ex, that's going to trigger something. Yes. Like, I can't imagine, like, you got a dog with your significant other, and then you have the dog that you have with your ex and you get another partner. But I love my dog. He's like, I love him so much. She's having for nine plus years.

He's, like, love my life. But he's still an animal. It's weird. I love my dog so much. But it's so weird when guys are, like, so obsessed with their dogs. We're, like, the dogs watch you fuck. And, like, the dog, like, the way they talk to him is so weird. And, like, they're literally, like, you're second to the dog.

Like, the dog's in the bed while fucking? Maybe. Like, a big, like, I've had, okay, so I dated this guy. And, like, the number one topic of conversation was, like, the dog. Like, a million photos of the dog. I don't care. I'm just to be honest. I don't want photos of your dog.

I don't care. Your dog is like a dog. Every photo of your dog looks exactly like all the other photos of every dog I've ever seen. And the last 50 photos you sent me of the same dog. And it's not like a child. Like I love when my friends send me pictures of their kids because their kids are constantly growing up and changing. Your dog is a finished product. Do you feel like you're not getting as much attention as the dog?

So it's more about you and not the dog. I think it's weird that a guy would pay more attention to his dog. It's like you can love your dog. Yeah, but the dog will always love them. The dog won't complain. That's when guys get all weird. They have this, like, unconditional love with the dog. But, like, it's weird to come second to a dog.

Yeah, sure. I don't really ever feel like I came second. It was just like, I can't, like, get it up for your dog all the time. Like, I don't care. I don't talk about the dog all the time. But I don't like parents to talk about their kids all the time either. Like, be cool about it. I at least understand parents to talk about it all the time

because your kid is a constantly growing organism that, like, you made this thing. And it's like, they learned how to talk. That's fucking crazy. made that thing and it's sort of against. I get that. But like your dog is a finished product. Anyways, I like animals. I just don't want it to be like the sole topic of conversation. I don't want the photos. I don't care. And I got to pretend that I care. Like I pretend that I exercise at the beginning of a relationship too. I'm like, oh my God. I just go back from the gym and like, can I have some photos of your dog? That's a lie. I don't ever, I don't want a photo

of your dog and I didn't just come back from the gym. All of it is a lie. Yeah. And okay, so. But I just think that's such a thing. And it's like, what do you think? Like, Ray, let me ask you this. And like Andrew, I don't know. know if you've ever experienced. I mean, I guess you could date a girl that's super obsessed their dog. Like, this girl emailed us about this. She was like, we're dog sitting for this dog. And like the dog is like watching us.

Like ruining our sex life. Yeah. Why did she say something? Well, she was like. Or she's debating on saying something. They're debating getting a dog. So she was like, I don't like this. My boyfriend really wants a dog.

But like, I don't want to get a dog that like is going to be all up in our shit. And like, like, a dog should not. So she said ground rules. You got to be, you got to be a firm. You got to be firm. But that's when the guy's like... Well, does he live in a studio? Does he live in New York?

Is it a more than one-on-one bedroom? Can a dog have its own room? How high is the bed off of the ground and how big is the dog? If you get a home retriever and you got a dog... And you got a bed that's, like, lower to the ground. The dog is actually face to face you while you're fucking... Get a small dog in a high bed. Right.

I don't like it when I'm, like, having sex with you and your dog is just right next to the bed. And, like, like, licking its chops. I don't want to do dog-y style next to your dog. I'm not about it. I'm not about it. Yeah, I feel that. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want two doggies in there.

There could only be one dog, and that's me. I was telling a friend about this topic, and he was like, you can't say you don't like animals. You'd be the most hated person in America. That's what I'm saying. You love dogs. You love dogs. You just don't like annoying people.

It's not about the dog. Yes, I think that, like, I just don't want a guy that's dating his dog to let his dog watch me fuck him. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah, like, so just in general, like, don't date your dog. Date humans. Maybe.

Yeah. Well, I think that girl just needs to be firm and just be like, look, when we fuck, you know, the dog just can't be in the room. It's very simple. You just have to, I don't know, I feel like a lot of people will hold shit in. Yeah. And be like, God, he just keeps letting the dog watch us fuck. And then you hold it in and then you take it out on them, like in other ways. And it's like, but it all comes down to the dog watching the fuck.

I'm Jewish, so I've never had that problem. I've never, like, had an issue about something that I didn't want to talk about it immediately. Like, if I have a problem, we're talking about it right now. Like, here's the deal. Like, here's, here's the deal. That's a good test. If you're like, hey, can the dog just, like, not watch this fuck? And the guy's like, that's my child.

Or like, then you run. Then you run. Yeah, then you get out of there. Because I think some girls would be. It's a reasonable request. It makes me kind of uncomfortable. So let me ask you this. Do you, since you're such a dog expert, if you, you know them inside and out,

do you. Since you're an amateur, if a dog. If a dog, if a dog is since you've fucked a dog. Yeah. I never fucked the dog. How are they compared to people? I had not fucked the dog or been fucked by it. You let him lick your boss.

A dog licked my butt a little bit, not the inside of my ass, but I put peanut butter on my cheek as like a dare when I was like a junior. Were you alone? Were you the person to dare you to do it? Look. Who dared you? He's like the dog. Sorry we weren't all so cool in high school. Sorry we all didn't have fucking range rovers.

Someone was had to be licked on the asshole by a dog. Is that the mark? Sorry we don't have fucking beemers and fucking watch Clueless every day. Some of us have to have our taints licked by a Rottweiler. Fucking, fucking boozy assholes judging me. Anyways, what's up? That's the measure of happiness when you're 16. You get a range rover or you watch Clueless or you get your taintlet by a Rottweiler.

It's one or the other. What are you going to do? Huh? You're going to fucking, get a tink. arrange. I'm crying. I had both, actually. Oh, my God, yeah.

I had an explore. Imagine if you were watching Clueless, while a Rott-Lyler and liked your taint. Oh, my God. I'm still baked. I didn't need some. Rout line. Okay, anyways, what was the question?

If you think a dog doesn't like a person, you think that's a bad person. Like, if you're dating somebody, if I bring somebody home, Dewey's almost liked almost every guy I have a date. Like, I bring somebody home and he just doesn't like him. The only thing that's, like, a bad sign. Yeah.

Or your dog could be racist. There's our racist dogs. Like it could be like a prejudice, like, thing in the dog's head from before. They do see in black and white, right? They do. Yeah, I've had a racist dog. We had this dog March, who was such a dick, who would always attack anyone that would, you know, of people in color that would come over.

I always feel bad when I see a white dog owner, walk a dog, and the dog goes ballistic on black person. I feel so bad for the owner. Yeah, he's not like that. You feel bad for the owner, not the black person. You know, Greta. Jeez, yeah. You feel stucked off for the hour.

Oh my, you two. Definitely had rangerovers in high school. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I only had fish in high school, so there's limited amount of things I could do to my pet. You had a fish? Well, like a bait of fish? I had like a salmon.

A salmon? That's not a thing. That's not a pet. What are trying so hard today? No one owns the salmon. Salmon. I had a salmon. That's not a thing right now.

What the fuck? I didn't think Sam. He was cool. He would watch me masturbate now. It's weird. I had a salmon. I'm like so sweaty and hot. I had a macroil growing up.

I had a tuna. A tuna. We caught him bubble. I had a swordfish that just lived in the living room. I had a fucking salmon. You definitely didn't have a salmon. It was definitely not a salmon. No one owns a salmon.

A fucking goldfish. A quince. Boyfish. Andrew is a pet expert, so he can tell you. Yeah, no one owned the salmon. We had a shark in my garage. I'm not even kidding. We had a nerve shark.

You were so Florida. Yeah, we had a stuffed shark because of my brother, and we named it Herb after this guy who, I love it. Because he was the guy that drove the boat who died like a month later. He lost at sea. But whatever. At least we named the shark after him in the garage. I got a shark in the garage.

We don't have to go and get a drink in the garage. every, I was so afraid of the garage because there's a scary shark just on the floor like looking at me and I would be like, fuck, dude. In a tank? No, no, it was dead. It was like eight feet.

It was just laying on the floor. They stuffed it. Oh, a stuffed shark. Wait, what's that called? Taxidermy. Taxidermy? Yeah, it was taxidermy. It was a nurse shark.

It was a nice guy. Just like, as, as like, in general, if anyone ever's like, we're a shark in the garage. You're like, you're from Florida, weren't you? Yeah. That's just like standard. I'm very florid. Floridian. I love Florida. I love Florida.

Yeah. A lot of people talk shit about Florida. Yeah. The shit that comes out of Florida is insane. Like the headlines and the news story. They're crazy. Like you can read a headline and be like Florida. But doesn't that make it exciting? What do you have like a new Chipotle? Like when are you rather like someone has like sex with a horse, bite someone's face off? Yes. All the face eating. Yeah. It's fun.

It's great. We love it. We're big fans. But let me ask you that. Have you ever dated like any, have you do have any crazy situations with a girl that had like a pet? Like if you dated a cat girl, like a girl with a bunch of cats or anything like that. Dude, I've only had like one girlfriend in my whole life. In college. Yeah. And we had a cat. Typical for every guy.

This story is pretty nice. Tell it. So we bought a cat together. Oh, geez. Wait, this is, I just want you to know. Has already been told. The next thing we want to talk about is when you get a pet with somebody else. Oh, I don't know if we're going to get to it.

We started way too early. We were, I was a sophomore. She was a freshman. And we were like, oh, we'll get this cat, an exotic short hair. named Bailey. It was like the mush phase. It was a salmon. We had a pet salmon.

We used to leash it up and walk it. It was fun. No, I got this cat. It was a $300 cat, which was a lot of money back then, you know, in college. It's a ton of money. It's a lot of money for me right now. Yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, that's a lot of money.

That's what my salmon cost. So we bought his cat together and it's supposed to live with her in the dorm. We're like, oh, we'll let it live. And we didn't even, like, think, like, a cat can't live in the dorm. Like, you're not allowed to have a fucking animal in the dorm. So we put it in the dorm within, like, fucking in, like, a week, they were like, you can't have a cat in the dorm, like, whatever. So now the cat is living with me in my fraternity house.

So I have, like, an exotic short hair, like, little, like, fucking smush-faced cat. In the frat house. In my frat house. It's like, this is my fucking pussy. Hell yeah. Like, you know, I was in college, whatever. I was like, yeah, my fucking. cat and he would just put his little arm under the door all the time he's really cute but whatever so uh we

had bailey and uh in my frat and a fucking pike hell yeah dude hell yeah dude all day fucking just doing fucking keg stands they were literally that clemson they were like the meat head yeah so so the cat so we have this cat and it's living in my fraternity house and our relationship's not going well but we have a cat that's the other thing when you get an animal together it kind of bonds you together. It keeps you. It keeps you together. So it could be like a really fucked up relationship, but you're like, we got to stay together

for the animal. For the animal. Yeah. And then when you break up, it's like who gets the animal, that whole thing. Oh, yeah. Well, we were going to talk about that today, but I mean, we ended up talking about other stuff for a long time. Wow, you sound thrilled.

Well, what happened? No, no, no. The episode was great. No, I love it. This took a turn. Okay. What happened? So, so I have the cat in my frat house.

It's the end of the year. The cat house? The cat house. Meow. So, wow. So, so anyway. I kind of want to do more cat noises. Can you do a good cat?

You should have a sound effects person here, but no. What's your cat? Not bad, right? That's a big cat. Yeah, that's a fucked up cat. That's why. Do you have any more? What's that?

We're on a time crunch today. This is not about like animal. We're not in the fucking jungle right now. All right, so I'll just finish with this. This is great content. Yeah, apparently. Yeah, she's above like altie comedy. She's like, don't make noises.

We're above that. Here, we only have five minutes before we throw this Jew out the window. Who, I'm me, not her. So, so, we have, so, it's the end of the year, my room gets ransacked. We have this, like, huge part. My lamp gets broken by my friends, whatever. Yeah. So I get a construction light, and I put it on the ladder, and I go eat, and I come back,

and there's an 80-foot flame shooting out my frat window. Oh, my God. And I'm in a car with this girl, and I was like, just keep driving because it's my window. It was my window. And, uh. A different girl, not your ex with a cat. No, a different girl. Okay, gotcha.

I wasn't cheating. We just, you know, got food and fucked in a little bit. No, I'm kidding. We didn't fuck. I've been in cars with people I didn't have sex with. Yeah, guys can be friends. Sometimes I don't fuck the cab drivers that I'm with. Well, whatever.

You know what? You got to dip them. So I, um, and so then I'm like, holy shit, fire. Like, I don't know what to do. You know, I'm 19. And we start, and she's like, you got to go back. And there's like 400 people, like, standing outside the house, mostly in favor of the fire. Right.

And, you know, it's a frat house. And so I'm like, all right, we'll go back. And I'm like so embarrassed, you know, like, I don't know what to do, you know. And the fucking firefighter comes out holding the cat. The cat is dead. A cat carcass. Yeah. But not burnt, just whatever.

So, yeah. For inhalation. He's going, whose cat is this? No, shut up. Who's cat is this? And I was like, oh, my God. Everyone's going to know I own a cat. It's so embarrassing.

But he's like, who's cat is this? And I was like, oh, my God, dude. I know what I'm fucking. This is like a price is right that I don't want to play. It's like, come on down. Whose fucking cat is this? And I was like, can we do this differently? I didn't talk.

Can we like, can we go in the back and just talk about this? And he's like, who would? And everyone's like looking around. Oh, my God. And I was like, uh, it's my cat. It's mine. And he's like, well, what do you want me to do with it? And I was like, I don't know.

Fuck, dude. I don't know what to do with a dead cat in front of 400 people. Mail it to Florida and put it with my shark. Yeah. That was great. That was great. Honestly. That was fucking fantastic call back.

Oh, that was so good. And now it's a, yeah, it's in my... Now you got Herb and Bailey together. So then I don't know what to do. I just, I go, what do I? I was like, oh, just throw it away. Well, did you feel sad? Yeah, a little bit.

I don't really have feelings. But I did feel sad. Yeah, your comedians. I was trying to feel sad. Or I was showing I was sad. So he threw it in the, in the trash, like a basketball player. $300 down the drain. Yeah, I know.

That's what I was mad about. I asked for a re-I. I sent back a receipt. I was like, this cat is not what you gave me. This is not what I paid for. I got one year more a team. Oh, my God. We were going to hell.

Also, can I get a new Dell? It's not even burned. It just died on its own. The cat, well, yes. Well, it died of smoke. It didn't die of old. age. It was...

Smoke. Yeah, smoke. Right. So then he throws the cat away. I'm so sad. I go to a concert that night. I go to Warren and I sing Cherry Pie on the mark. You know, she's my chair.

Dedicated to... Dedicated to... Dedicated to Bailey. I actually asked him to dedicate it and the guy looked at me like I was insane. Because I was. And then I called my girlfriend and I was like, got news. Cat's dead.

But the good news is I sang a tribute to the cat. Cherry pie. Yeah. She's like, Oh, my God. That's what I always wanted. And then we got back together. No, but she didn't seem that upset.

Like, it felt like she was kind of almost like relieved that the relationship can now be over. But, yeah, that was fucking crazy. Anyways. Oh, my God. But I'm a dog. But now I'm a dog guy. I was never really a cat person anyways, you know? Okay, we normally play a game with the other than a episode.

I have another fun cat story. And maybe just be like six or seven minutes. Maybe we'll segue into just like, okay, so we wanted to talk about, like, when you should get an animal together, maybe wait a little longer. I don't know. It's just, like, so weird because it's like a serious topic and this episode has been, like, so off the rails. You want to just do the game on the game? Yeah, like, let's just talk about it some other time. Okay.

Because it's like, I want to talk seriously about it. Oh, okay. I don't fucking care now. What the fuck just happened? We actually, like, we're going to have, like, a serious conversation today about pets. About, like, when to get a pet, what happens when you break up, who is the pet and the breakup. But fuck it. This episode is completely off the rails.

Well, I would say if your cat dies and on fire, no one gets the cat. That's what I would say. Seriously. We always like there to be a takeaway from every episode as we, like, wrap up the topic. I'm a very big believer in not having a takeaway from a story. Great. So there's nothing to take away from this. Other than just be better people.

Right. We are going to play a quick game. Okay. We designed a game around a guest every single week. We do red light green light. Red, full stop. You cannot date this person. Green light.

Green go. And then if you feel like it's a yellow light, like a white, like a warning sign. Okay. All right. Sounds good. All right. So we're just going to fire you.

Because you are. We didn't even get into this. We always ask our guests. You're single. I am kind of single. Yeah, I am single, I guess, now. Oh, okay. Sure.

Okay. All right. All right. In the hypothetical world, you are single. I am single. No, no. Let it be out there. I'm very single.

All right. So red light, green light. They kiss their parents on the lips when they say hello. Oh, green. So green. It creeps me out. I'm not going to like. No, no, I actually.

Well, it depends. is a, well, actually it doesn't matter. It's a girl in your situation. She kisses her dad on the lips. Hello. Like, how hard. And calls him daddy. That's fucking, why is that kind of hot?

I like calling people daddy in bed. No, but not your actual father. Do you don't call your dad, daddy? I don't fuck my dad. Kissing on the lips is a little strange, but I don't blame the girl. I can't blame the girl for that because I think it started at a young age. Do you say anything? No, I definitely don't mention it.

But I don't think it, because you know what, how many times do you see it a year? I mean, unless you live with your parents and they're kissing every day. But I mean, this is a one kiss a month. Okay, gotcha. You can't handle one kiss a month, one hard kiss. It's a little lingering, though. It's a little lingering, but I'm going to say, I'm going to say, you kiss her later that night.

Greenlight, I don't blame her. I might get rid of the father, though, because if he fucking touches my girl, I'll fucking kill him. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Sorry, was that too long of an answer? All right, what's next?

No, we love when they're like really deep dives into like ridiculous things. Okay. Can you date a girl that has like a lot of like hamsters with the wheels and the tubes? Like you walk into her one bedroom. Not a studio. This is the thing. Hamsters smell. Right.

Like those kind of ferment, whatever those things are. They're just smelly. Like whatever they put in the cage, they stink like shit. And if you have like, I don't know, a hamster is like almost too animaly for me. But I will. She's got like all the toys and everything. And she's like, you know, like, let's change. There's some sob story where she's like, well, we had hamsters growing up and my parents died in fire and like now I have these.

Like, are you like going to, is that cool? Green light still. I'm going to still go to say green light here because. You got to do some egregious shit to get a guy to not date you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's got to be. That's the moral of every story.

How about this? Does she complain a lot? Right. Red light. Does she have a hamster? Green light. Right. You know what I mean?

If it doesn't prevent me from getting off. and getting my balls licked. Yeah, yeah. The hamster watches you fuck. If the hamster kisses her father, coming hard, really hard, really hard green light there. Okay, what's next? This is fun.

I like games like this. I usually shit on games, like, but they're fun. Okay. You meet a girl. You go on a date with her. She's very cute. Okay, that never happens. Okay, but in like a hypothetical world,

she was cute. Okay. And you find out that for fun, she's a subway performer. Like, she is the person on the queue train, like dancing for money. She's just super passionate about it. Is that her like main source of income?

No, it's a side hustle. There's a name for this. I don't know what it's called. Somebody emailed us about it. I just feel like if I'm a comic and I do open mics, it's like the same thing of patheticness. Literally actually had the same exact answers. I said Andrew's going to say it's the same as doing comedy.

Yeah, so I would say green light. For you. I actually respect it that she's putting herself out there. What if she plays violin on the side of the subway, not on the train? Like she's just like standing on like the L. platform. Green light. I love it.

I love it. Put yourself out there. Just don't do it while I'm there. Because that would be annoying. Or like wear a sign with like your information like this is my boyfriend. Yeah, I just don't want to really hear it or see it. But I completely appreciate it. But I just don't want to see it.

But what if she's like, can you please come to my show? On the subway? I'll say I am taking the bus into the East River because I got to kill myself. Because I can't see this. Green light. But if you lick my balls later. Yeah, like my boss, green light. Get the peanut butter out.

Have, can you, Red-Ly green light? I love the countdown. Like, she says it out loud. On the time, Nazi. Can you say Nazi as a Jewish person? Yeah. You're allowed to.

What? Yeah. Yes, of course you can say Nazi as a Jewish person. Or I don't know if it upsets you. Oh, no. Isn't it a Nazi's fair game if you're Jewish? I can make jokes about being Nazi. I can't, though.

Two minutes. Two minutes. Ask your question. Okay. Can you. Red light, green light. She's a really bad comedian. Oh, that's tough.

I don't... Shitty open micer. Yeah, I don't really date comics. I was going to ask you that, yeah. So I would date someone comedy adjacent, but comics I don't really... It's not... It wouldn't have to do with how bad she is.

What's comedy adjacent? She's the audience? Some sort of thing, but they don't do stand-up is that I mean. Yeah, she's a creative person. She likes comedy. She understands. I thought like an audience member. Well, and that's my...

Yeah, kind of like what you... I don't, do you stand? Nope. No, shall be. Am I funny? You had the best joke of the day. No, you're very funny. You're very funny. And you're very honest, and I really appreciate it. But that's what I want to go.

I don't want to stand up, but I want to guide. We're talking about me. Can you tell me more nice things about me? Oh, yeah. I really like, I like, I like, I like, I like, decent size ears. They're like a nice size. You think I was really common money in your ears? We have one minute left. Okay.

Oh, my God. This is like the bill. Well, no one will know that reference. But no, I would say it's red light because I wouldn't do it, but it wouldn't be because of her how bad she is. Got it. Because I respect anyone that puts themselves out there. For sure.

But if she's talking shit about me on stage, go fuck yourself. Right. Red light. Anyways. I want to thank you for being on the show. This is really fun. Thanks for having me. Except for the countdown.

I feel like this went great. One minute. How can people find you or see your standout? 30 seconds. I feel great. 15 seconds. Amazing. 10 seconds.

I don't know if I'm going to get this out. And it's five seconds. Whatever. Bye. No, Andrew T. Collin on Instagram and Twitter. For the dog videos and all that. Yeah, yeah. Andrew T. Colin. And then, what, are we Wednesdays on?

Oh, I have a podcast as well. Yes, you do. Called Happy Never After. And we bring on guests of, like, kids are divorced and divorced people. And we just kind of laugh at the horribleness. Would you go on that right now? Yeah, of course. Have you been divorced?

I've not been divorced, but my parents divorced for us for. But also broken engagement. Oh, great. Yeah. What other shitty things happened? We didn't have a dog or a fish or anything. No, that doesn't matter. We had some, like, furniture, but I kept it.

You kept the furniture? I did. I actually changed the locks to the apartment, told him he was no longer welcome there. Oh, nice. I put outside what he was welcome to. Really? Yeah, I'm a badass dude. Just a salmon?

Okay, thought we were on the time schedule, Raina. Well, we're talking about me. The time schedule and I did it. This is unreal. Andrews's podcast. You know, let's do another hour on her. Somehow another hour just freed up. Weird.

Raina just left the room and booked the studio for another hour. Oh, okay. So, Andrews podcast, Happy Never After. And then U-Up with Nikki Glazer. And then I do a show every Saturday at the end of the month at UCB called It's a long story. Yes. Which is fun. I want to be clear.

We also had somebody else on here. Jared does, another one of my guest, does a U-Up podcast. Oh, yeah. I want to differentiate. It's not the same. One is spelled with a U and the other one is spelled. You guys are Y-O-U. Yeah.

And is it, what time is it again? It's from 10 to 12 on Sirius. 10 to 12 on Series. On Series XM, Channel 95. Comedy Central. And then Andrews every Wednesday. And thanks for having me. This was a lot of fun.

Cool. I appreciate it. We'll put you on Instagram so people can see where to find you as well. Awesome. We'll put you on our story. Oh, man. I'm all laughed out. Are you?

Yeah. I feel good about it. I'm sweaty. I feel good. I'm very sweaty. Like in Step Brothers, he's like, why are you sweaty? He's like, been watching cops. That's me.

Been podcasting. And write me dog questions. We did not get to the serious dog topics. Maybe we'll get to him one day. Maybe we won't. We'd rather we liked all of the like, other stories. Oh, so funny. Thank you guys for listening. Please continue to rate, review, subscribe to this podcast, tell all your friends, everybody you know. You follow us on Instagram at Girls Gotta Eat

Podcast. Take it away. Facebook, Twitter, not on Snapchat. Check out. Moms got this. Coming to Mouth Media. And we're out. Have a good week, guys. Bye.