Girls Gotta Eat - "Everyone Wants a Village, But No One Wants to Be a Villager"

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

You've probably heard the phrase "Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager" recently, and we are discussing! We dive into the dynamics of friendship, why people aren't showing up for their friends as much, when boundaries and "protecting your peace" hinder community building, managing conflict with friends, engaging with friends on social media, and tips for being a better villager. We also discuss the sentiment of "you don't have to go to weddings anymore" AND we also put together a matrix to determine the events you do and don't have to attend. Before we get into the topic, Rayna got a jump scare at the nail salon and Ashley had a traumatizing experience in a public restroom. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Rocket Money: Reach your financial goals faster at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. Liquid IV: Get 20% off your first order at https://liquidiv.com with code GGE. Wildgrain: Get $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life at https://wildgrain.com/gge or use promo code GGE. Helix: Get 20% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is one of the most pervasive issues we've seen where people are just like, I don't have anybody around me. I want more of that. How do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Steelers win last night. That was a huge win. Well, it was like a week ago at this point. That was something else. If you're listening today, the first game of the playoffs is tonight. night. So I gotta get out. Oh, this is great that I'm wearing this. Yeah. This is perfect. This is great. And since we're talking about yellow, yes, my nails are still gold. I can't. Okay, so we're recording this on January 5th, the day everyone returned back to the world. Ashley, I, like, we had, this was the longest amount of rot weeks, two raw weeks. I mean, raw, we started December 22nd and has gone until today. You and I went to saw a movie two days ago when we went to the theater. I like realized I don't know how to form sentences with people anymore. Like, I've been out. I've been out. off the grid for so long.

Where was the movie correlation? We walked, because I was trying to form sentence. We walked in. Oh, that's when you noticed it? Well, Briddie and I walked in before you and Shishonk and you had sent me the tickets. And so I was trying to explain to the ticket taker. Like, I have, if you scan it now, I have two more people coming in.

And like, I think the words that came out of my mouth were like, there's more to this. It's insane. She scanned my ticket and I said there's more to this. There's more to this. They didn't even scan our ticket. I know. Guys, life hack, or guys, what is it? Exactly.

money hack anyway 2 p.m. They aren't checking tickets at the marina del Rey dine in six whatever those tickets are on sale they were like 15 or 20 percent off and then no one was checking and then I like ordered food from the kiosk and I guess you're supposed to get a receipt take it over to the popcorn person and she's like you get a receipt and I was like no and she goes I need a receipt I was like I don't have a receipt and she was like okay and she just gave me the popcorn well you're trying to take the attention away from my nails and I respect that but the thing is They are the color of popcorn.

I've had him for a month as we record, which is a month too long. If you guys have been keeping up, it felt like decades, I'm sure. I mean, I feel like we've been talking about this for so long. Just get your paws change. And she's coming this Wednesday. What color are you going to do? Bear. Bear.

Yeah, I'm overcorrecting. Bear. Yeah, I'm doing like bare, like naked nails. Naked net? Not like a pink sheet? It's light, very pale pink. They still look natural. I want a natural look.

I'm so over this. she was out of town last week and I was like it's okay, Julietta, you know, take your time off. It's fine. I'll just be over here wanting to cut my hands off, but it's fine. You know, you take your little trip and I will see you on the 7th. Okay, so I was getting a pedicure. I left you after the movie.

I went out of a pedicure. It was like pouring down rain, so it was nothing else to do on a Saturday night, which we'll talk about not going out today, rotting at home. But I got a pedicure and there was this guy in the chair next to me and he was like really hot, maybe like 42, 43, like really masculine looking. Not Stifler? Not Stifler, unfortunately. Unfortunately, but equally as hot.

And he was getting a pedicure, which I think is cool when guys do that. I think it's nice if you want to have nice toenails and like you want to get that dead skin out of there, whatever. And we're kind of making eyes and giggling. And I was like making a whole, getting a lot of attention. And I looked down at what he had done to his feet. Oh, my God, not a picture. Okay. This is the most masculine man, by the way.

I looked down. I did not expect to see a powder blue. pedicure. It's like giving, it's like lavender, which would be the type of marriage you would be in if you were with that guy, but lavender nails. Look at those toenails. They're like hooves. They're huge. I mean, it is not subtle. The cotton between the toes, like the separators between the toes is an ick. I didn't know I had. Raina, I can't. I really sneak this photo. I, if whatever you want to do, you going to paint your nails, I feel like I'm about to do a bit from my special. You want to paint your nails, that's fine. You want to express yourself that way. but I don't think I want a guy with painted toenails.

I don't want it. Listen, I, listen, I'm all for like, do whatever you want, the limit of not live. You know, it's not for me. It's not, well, I wouldn't pick it off the menu. Yeah, it's not that I see painted nails. I'm like, gay, not masculine. Those are not the thoughts that cross my mind.

But I will say, a man with the cotton between his toes. To get a purple pedicure. Not a real, not a real man. To get your little lilac toes painted. To get a lavender petty. Listen, I'm allowed to like different things in fashion, and I do not like that. It was, I've never lost my boner for a person. I've not seen paint the toenails on guys.

That's a first. I was so, I was trying to get you a photo. So all 10 of my fingers are wrapped in the foil. And he's looking right at me, and I'm trying to take photos of his feet, like, without him noticing, because I had the photo face to the right, and he was to my left, and I had to, like, turn the whole phone with my silver fingers. I did this for you. The thought of you getting caught

since it chilled on my spine. Like if he would have been like are you taking pictures of my feet? Honestly, you deserve it. Yeah. I would say from making some weird decisions. Look him down the face. Yes.

Of course I am. And everyone else in this salon is too. And you're asking for it. Do this in private. Okay, let's like our partners. All right. Thanks to Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster

at RocketMoney.com slash GGE and LiquidIV. Get 20% off your first order at Liquidiv.com with code Gigi. And thank you to Wildgrain. get $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life at wildgrain.com slash gge or use promo code gge and helix get 20% off at helix sleep.com slash gge.e. Okay. Well, talking about friendship today. We're talking about friendship today. And I had a friendship moment I wanted to share. You know the story. I couldn't keep it from you. But I'll share it

with the audience. The way you told me, though, I did not. I know. Because I'd been out with you guys earlier in the night. Yes. Okay, you tell your story. Well, yes. You were feeling like it was about to take a dark turn, but really dark turn. This was in New York. This was prior to Christmas.

And we had had kind of a busy night. We did this Christmas show called Santa's Secret with a bunch of girls. And then you left because you had a show. But we went to dinner. We went to like a 9, 10 p.m. dinner at the Mandarin randomly because we were in the mall in Columbus Circle. And then Megan, our friend Megan, and I were like, she was like, Bill, which we love Bill, we talk about built, and I'll name drop

them. Built is having a party way downtown, like Seaport. We were at the top of New York. You were like, you went from the top to the bottom. And she was like, should we go? And I'm like, let's just go. We're dressed. We're out of the house. Yeah, we're dressed. We're out of the house. Like, I'm trying to do the most when I'm in New York. So we headed all the way down there. And the party was so much fun. We met the founder and all these people and just having a blast. And, you know, we had probably more drinks than I typically do up to that point. I had another glass of wine. I wasn't drunk, but I was like drinking maybe more than I would on an average night. And we'd probably been there for an hour and I was talking to this guy who we love, who was actually this

connect who got us the table in Vegas. And he's this like great connection that she has. And I met him and he was wonderful. And as I'm talking to him, I just felt like I was going to faint. And I was like, I'm going to pass out or throw up or both. And I don't know what's going on. And I will say this was not an unfamiliar feeling to me. But when this happens to me, and all experience, It's usually in the morning I haven't eaten. Like this has never happened to me like out. You're not like me. You don't have blood pressure issues.

Well, I have low blood pressure and I will like feel faint and the color will drain from my face. And it happens probably like once a year. When I lived in New York, it happened usually in the mornings. Never though at night. So I was like something bad's happening. And it's like nausea, but more than that. And I can feel the color like draining out of my face.

I'm just talking to this stranger. And I was like, I just have to leave the situation. And I, Megan was right there. I grabbed her arm. I was like, I have to go to, we have to go the bathroom. I have to get out of here. And as I'm walking with her, I'm like, I don't know, like, something bad is happening. Like, I don't know what's going on.

I think I got roofied. And that's the only thing I could come to because I'd had drinks. Someone handed me a glass of wine from the bar, but, like, we're with her friends. I'm like, these guys roofing me. We have to cancel. You're so tall to roofie. We have to cancel Bill. As a partner now.

Roofied at the bill. No, I didn't. So I'm like, I don't know what's happening. And she just takes, like, control of the situation. It's so her. She's like, where. There's a bathroom. She's like barking at people. We couldn't find the bathroom. We're running around. I was like, I'm about to fall over. And so we bust into this bathroom, big public bathroom in this event space, like 12 stalls. There's like girls in there. And like I just make my way to the back of the bathroom. There was like a place to lay down on the bathroom floor on the public bathroom floor. And like a couple girls came over and they were like, hey, girl, are you okay? And what I hate is people thinking that I'm like a drunk girl passing out when it's so not. Like when I peeped at Drake, I was like, and the girl in the next all over was like, girl, are you okay?

And I'm like, I'm not drunk. Like I'm not. So I just had to like late. Which sounds like a drunk thing to say. 100% between people. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk at Drake. You're drunk. And Megan was like, she's fine. And so literally she's sitting with me on the bathroom floor, like holding my hand. I'm just, I'm laying there just all. I felt like the cold tile. Like I just needed that. And everyone left.

So it was just us alone in the bathroom. And she is like, what is going? on and I was like, I'm starting to feel better. And, you know, like I said, this has happened to me before. It happens usually in the morning. And I did start to feel better as soon as I lay down. And I started to kind of sit back up. And I was like, okay, I'm not nauseous anymore. And like, the color is coming back in my face because she was like, your face was completely white. And so we're sitting there. And I'm like, I think I just need a couple more minutes. I do want to go home. But I'm fine to like leave the part. I don't take the hospital or anything. So we're sitting there. And I see someone coming to the

restroom. It appears to be a man. I will say. You've voiced noting me this in the morning and I was terrified of what happened. I mean, you're passed out on the floor. You think you've gotten roofied and a man enters the room. I was like, how is she so nonchalant about this? So where we were, I could see someone come in. I heard them come in and I look and I mean, I guess you can never be too sure, but it was a very, it was a man, someone presenting as a man. And I go, oh, is this a unisex bathroom? And I said out loud to Meg, it was like, absolutely not, because we passed the men's bathroom on the way to get to the women's bathroom and I almost went in there because of the situation we were in. She was like, it's absolutely a women's bathroom. So we're like whispering,

this man goes into the stall. We're sitting there and within seconds, the most explosive diarrhea in a quiet bath. I'm just coming too. We're sitting there in the bathroom floor, two girlies. This man has invaded the bathroom and blown it up. Raina, like to hear it, we were covering our mouth. Like, we were wanting to throw up and laugh simultaneously. Do you think he heard you? Giggling? Yes. Or dry heaving?

Giggling. I don't even know. So he went harder. In that situation, I would pray that you were nowhere near me because if I'm solo, I can kind of laugh internally. If I'm with another person, I would be choking back tears. No, we were like this case. There's no way this is happening.

There's no way that I just had to like leave a party to come lay on this bathroom floor and now this. And so I think I needed a few more moments, but I just sucked it up and stood up. I was like, we have to get out of here. If we were like, this has solidified our friendship. Like, we've been friends, but I was like, this is that moment where you're like, oh, we are close now. You obeyed the rules of society. You cannot make eye contact with a person after they do that.

I mean, that person is praying to God that they do not make eye contact with a person after that. So, like, we ran out there. Like, we could not stop giggling. Like, how did this happen? I could not be around a friend of mine. I would lose my mind. There's nothing funnier than that. And this story took the most unexpected turn

because I thought you were going to tell me you went to the hospital and you got roofied and then maybe also you got attacked. And it was just explosive diarrhea. You're so lucky. I just think it's funny to think about defining friendship moments. Like I don't think, Megan and I will always cite that in the history of our friendship.

It's the worst moments in a friendship. It is I'm sitting on a cold tile floor in a bathroom. But it's the best, like, I don't know. I know she's like a real friend, but not that any friend would have abandoned you, but there's just something of like a friend that's like going to grab you, bring you to the bathroom, lay you down, leave with you, even though the party was really fun. Like we were both like, we got to go. It's time to go.

The party's not over, but it's time for us to leave. And we got in the car together. And she just checked in on me a bunch of times and the first thing the next morning. And she actually is the one that was like, do you have low blood pressure? And I was like, oh, yeah. She was like, that's what this is. She was like, my dad has low blood pressure, all three of our births, her and her sisters. He was in the hospital bed next to them. He had to, like, lay down. Like, he passed out every time.

We're going to talk about, like, everybody wants, like, a village, but she is, like, a single girl. And definitely my friend, more than most people that, like, remembers milestones, always checks in. If you don't feel good, like, how are you feeling? What's going on? She makes me want to be a better friend because she is that person that checks in and checks in on the milestones. And when she knows people have important things going to be. on. And if she was here right now, I'd ask her, like, do you just remember all of that? Or do you make notes about it? Because she has a big time job. She has a lot going on. She has a lot of responsibility. She's really successful. She's a million friends. So it's sometimes like,

she's not just sitting at home thinking about what her friends have going on. She's got a busy life. And I think of my sister-in-law is someone who always remembers those things. And I think it's innate for some people and for other people. I think you can put a calendar reminder in. Like I had a friend recently that had a loss in her family. And I talked to her about it and then I checked in on her, but like, I wish I would have checked in her a few days prior. Like, I just had my own shit going on. You know, like we all do. It wasn't like you losing a parent that would have been on my mind all day, every day. It was not that type of situation, but it was something that was really hard for her. And I just, like, said to myself, I was like, in the future, you don't think you want to have

to be this person, but sometimes you do. Put in your calendar, check in on so and so. Or like, Raina's tour starts or Ashley's this or, you know, like, I don't know. I don't know if that's how Megan's operating or how Stephanie operates, but like it's okay to not be someone that has all of your friends and family members on your mind all day every day.

I do wonder how people are like that. I mean, your sister-in-law is my first text message when we have any milestones in our lives. I mean, she's just a mother of two, a wife, a mother of two little babies. She's just like the first person to be like, congrats. I hope everything goes well. Like,

It's not that it's not in me. I guess I just get busy. I forget stuff. And sometimes I support people the way that I wouldn't be supported. So like in a tragedy, like I don't want to bother people sometimes. But like we had a friend who lost a step parent recently. And I gave it like two days because I like didn't want to her to be like inundated. But I was like I don't want to bother you.

And also don't you don't have to follow up. Yeah. You have to respond to this. Yeah. And I think about that. Obviously we know losing parents and step parents and whatever is different than a pet. But of course when I lost Dewey. just, I wasn't bothered.

I got text all day, every day, and I know people didn't expect me to respond, and so it just meant the world, and like, again, like, the friend that I checked it on, I checked it on Friday, but I just like, I don't know, you know, I'll beat myself up about anything. I just wish I would have checked in her on Wednesday. You know, I wish I just would have thought

about it sooner, and it's just like, what's the harm and making a note for yourself. I actually do not keep a log of, like, who checked in with me when. No. I only log it when people do not check in at all. So, like, ask me who didn't check in with us for the LA fires last year. I know every single person who I did not hear from.

The one. The one. And I decided to sleep with him this year. Raina Greenberg.com. I got a solid 10 minutes on him in the hour. You're so right. And we'll talk about this today. Friendships are not tit for tat and they shouldn't be.

But big things when everyone is rallying around you and everyone has remembered something except for a few people you do notice. And what I did yesterday is put in all my friends' birthdays in my Google calendar, like repeating annually. And there's some birthdays that are ingrained in your brain forever. People you grew up with in college friends. And friends post college, I have a really hard time and I'm not on Facebook anymore.

Friends that post date the iPhone. I don't have your phone. I know. Or your cell phone numbers. That's how we used to know. And so I was like, I don't want to be this friend this year. I think this all kind of ties into what we're talking about today. I was like, I want to be, I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to miss birthdays anymore. See, I don't want to remember birthdays because you remind me. It's like a, it's funny you think you forget birthdays. You have no idea. You remind me of your whole family's birthday. You tell me it's your Shonk's birthday. I mean, pretty much all of our friends. Like every other day you're telling me when it's somebody's birthday.

But it's because I've probably forgot. Okay, you know so embarrassing. It's because you've forgotten and then they both get this text from both of us at the same time. And they're like, up, they both forgot. They just both remembered. Obviously, I don't forget my family's birthday. But yeah, like a friend recently, I realized I forgot her birthday. It's why I texted Raina and to be like, but I meant to say, like, give it 30 minutes.

I do try to kind of wait for like an hour, but then I'm like, Ashley got in there so much earlier than I did. It was Alyssa's birthday. I also forgot about that. January is tough. January birthdays are tough. But also, I feel back for those people. I am not offended if people forget mine. And nobody forgets my birthday that's on Instagram.

because I've posted it. You know, like, I'm going to let you know. But it's just like, I understand. And I think that's like part of being, it's like, be the friend you want to be. It's just like you have to give people grace when you be doing the same stuff. Birthdays are the thing I just don't care. If you forgot it, I don't expect you to remember my special day out of 365 days. I don't expect anybody to remember that.

I do, I post on Instagram. So people remember. Yeah. But otherwise, I don't care if people remember if that's a crazy thing to remember. I don't remember people's birthdays. So my college friends, I have them all ingrained. in my brain because of when we all turned 21. Like I just know all their birthdays and all of us, seven of us are between April and July,

which is like kind of cool also. March and July, sorry. But I forgot someone's last year because we always wish happy birthday in the group chat. I know. Like, help me. What? Who went outside the group chat? No, I hate people to do this.

Help me remember this. It was just like every, we all. I was like keep it in the chat. Come on, ladies. Like side texting about birthdays. No. I thought we all kept the Clemson girls in the chat. of all seven of us so no one forgets a birthday.

No, I need somebody to remind me. I need people to do Instagram stories about it a lot if they're not going to remind me in a group text or if you're not going to remind me. I have you. I don't have to do it. We'll figure it out. You have said to me a bunch of times recently to be the friend that I want to have. You have a couple times.

Not like lecturing me, but like we were going to not go to something and you were like, I was thinking about how I would want to be treated and I would want somebody to take this seriously. And I was like, you'd be right. Yes. It was not a lecture, but it was kind of a like, hear me out. Well, I wasn't going to go to something, and I had every rate to not go.

But you were just like, it's not how I would want to be treated. I want to be the friend that I want to have. And I was like, she's making me be a better person. I just think that's the theme of the whole episode today is treat people how you want to be treated. Just a hot take. We learned it into kindergarten to have a friend. You have to be a friend. All right.

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Join at RocketMoney.com slash GGE. That's rocketmoney.com slash GGE. Okay. So our topic today, we mentioned it was about friendship. And it's really about this discourse you've seen, probably a lot, wherever you get your information, TikTok, is basically, those are the books I I read, plenty of articles about. Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager. And just the concept of people want friends and support and a community, but don't want to give that back, don't want to show up for people, they want to protect their peace and stay home and I don't know anybody anything and how that mindset is counterproductive to community. This concept has gone so viral recently.

It seems to me like think pieces and yes TikToks about it. And there's so much that plays into it about like boundaries and what you think you're owed and being inconvenience to not wanting to inconvenience yourself and how much people are even socializing today in general and how easy access to social media type of relationships are. Yeah. But like we have this fantasy of like real friendship. and I think a lot of times we're getting further away

from doing the things that you need to have. Real conversations, lowering those boundaries a little bit, having real honest conflict with people showing up. Like, I was just joking around with Melanie the other night. I was like, on a Saturday night,

I was like, I'm not going out. I love it. I'm at home. She was like, can you imagine in our 20s like admitting to somebody that you weren't going out?

On a Saturday night. Like, I would have made up some grandiose lie about like why I was staying home. I just, I think it's become really invoked to like rot, stay at home, not go out, people are obviously drinking less, they're having sex less.

And I think that, you know, for everything there's good and bad, right? I think it's great that people are drinking less. I think it's great that people are prioritizing their mental health and staying home and not needing to party and spend all this money. And, you know, that self-care is so prioritized day out. I think all that stuff is great. But there has been such a rise in that. And like, I just used to socialize more.

Yeah. It used to be more in vogue to just be around more people more often. But that's how we had to start making friendships. like it's just a different generation. No, that's what I mean. In my 20s, I mean, it was just, I mean, generationally we are different. Yeah, but it's like, that's how we're wired.

So we are going to be coming at this topic as elder millennials where this is how we had to make friends growing up. We didn't make friends on the internet. I mean, sometimes in chat rooms, you might be a little friend. But, you know, it's just we are better at socializing and I think better at making friends and better at partying and the guys of our age are better at. asking women out, like all these things. And I don't mean this as a dig to Gen Z.

I just mean that we were brought up this way. And we had to call people on the landline. And we had to see our friends in person. And you just had to communicate, like, differently. And so that's just how we were born and bred. It's so interesting because, like, times have changed, but people haven't changed. The desire for community has never gone away.

Even though we're, like, in the house more and we're alone more. And there's ways to connect, obviously, in social media more. I mean, one of the number one things we've always gotten. It's pervasive for a decade of the podcast is, like, I want more friends. I want more community. I've moved to this new place or all my friends are married and I'm the only single girl. This is one of the most pervasive issues we've seen where people are just like, I don't have

anybody around me. I want more of that. How do I get that? But people's avenues towards that and attitudes towards it have changed so much. Yeah, we are social beings. We are fundamentally and biologically driven to form connections for survival and to thrive, which means your family, your friends, your community. but the odds are more stacked against you.

Like the need for community and friendship is never going to change. We're just wired like that. And everybody's different. And I also want to say we have like a bunch of caveats because I'm coming at this as an extrovert. And there was nothing introverted about me. People like, I'm an extrovert, an introvert. I'm an introvert or whatever the new one is. Like I will never claim to be anything but an extrovert.

Yes, I need some alone time. I need to recharge. But I want to be around people that really. fills my cup. And so I know that everybody's not like that too. And that's totally fine and that you need to find what works for you. Yeah, you and I are not socially anxious people, thankfully.

And those are not the people we're speaking to, obviously. It's so easy to be like, just get off the couch and go out. I'm not, if you are like, I have mental health problems that are going to include me from doing that, we're not speaking to you. And also, you and I don't have children, you know, like, we're not constrained by the type of things that other people are like, I can't afford to go out. I can't get a babysitter. I'm single.

Free. I'm right a mingle. I saw a post that said, would you live in isolation for 10 years for a billion dollars when you got out of it? 10 days I wouldn't do. I don't care. No, five days. Ten years. And I couldn't believe. 10 days. All right, fine. What's the max you would be in isolation for a billion dollars? I don't know because I feel like I would go crazy. And I think it would traumatize me for. life. I mean, you're not supposed to be in isolation. That's why they put prisoners that behave badly in solitary confinement. We're not supposed to do that. It makes us go crazy. Okay, I could do 30 days. For a billion dollars. Being a bunch of alone by yourself, I don't, I think I would start to go crazy. Do I have a television? I mean, solitary confinement, you just stare at the wall, right? Solitary confinement, I don't even, there's like no price. I don't, I don't think,

There's a price. I don't know. I could do a week in solitary. I could do a week. I could do 10 days. I start to go really crazy. That's my point. Like, I mean, we talked to us on the show before.

There's been a couple times, I mean, I've gotten surgeries where I couldn't leave the house. And like, I start doing and acting like really crazy after like seven days of not seeing people. Yeah. I'm acting in a way that it's outside of like my normal personality. and I had access to social media and TV at those times. Yes, like we are wired for connection. If a day goes by and I've just been in the house, or especially like a travel day,

and I haven't like talked to someone in five hours. You do like to be poop. I can't stand it. I feel like something's off. So anyway, we just say all that to say how important these connections are, how important friendships are. And I do think everyone is different.

I mean, I do think some people genuinely are like, I'm good with five good friends in my life. And some people are like, I need 20 plus besties. And I don't know, everyone is very different in what they want. But it's going to come down to you need to be the type of friend that you want to have. Yeah. I think there's no like quant. I like having a large group of friends.

I like having different friends for different things. I have like friends I would just go to lunch with. I have travel friends. I have different friends for different things. But if five people is good for you, then that's great. That's still your village. and you still have to show up for those people. And I was thinking about this, like, a lot because we've seen some people talking online about,

like, you don't need to go to people's weddings. And we had somebody on this show talk about, I felt weird, like, not pushing back, but she was talking about, like, it's fine if you want to skip somebody's birthday party. Like, you can just tell them I'll see you another time. And there's nuance to everything, of course. If you can't go because, of course, you can't find child care, you don't have the money for it. Yes, you do have crippling social anxiety.

That's totally different to me. But, like, friendship is inconvenient sometimes. And we don't want to do stuff. I don't want to leave the house by outfits, buy gifts, do all these things. But, like, I do want people to do those things for me. I want people to show me that the things that I prioritize are important to me. I want people to come to our live shows. I want people to act like it's a big deal.

There's reciprocity there. I have to do that for other people if I want those things. And I could never expect those things for myself if I didn't do those for other people. And I really have a problem with people being like, just skip it. You don't have to go. I mean, you can skip anything, I guess. You don't have to go to anything. But, like, then don't.

complain that people don't do things for you. That's fine. Yeah, I think a birthday is the perfect example. And if you're a person who you have a birthday party and someone bails at the last minute who you thought was coming because they're tired, not because they're sick, not because there's an emergency, just because they basically don't want to come. And you're not bothered by that. That's fine. I'm thinking of a friend we have that I really think she's just like that. And I don't even consider her to be flaky. I think she shows up for me. But she's, He's just the kind of person that's like, I get it, it's fine, and she wouldn't expect, I don't know, she's kind of is the friend she wants.

And so if you're that type of person, that is different, but I treat my friends the way I want to be treated. And so I think that's the perfect example. And when we talk about mental health, of course, we all want to put our mental health first. You can't be a good friend or a partner or whatever if you're not taking care of yourself first. But there's a difference between a disorder. And, you know, if I go to this thing, I'm going to have a panic attack. and feeling mildly uncomfortable or anxious. I think feeling uncomfortable is a part of the human experience.

We all have anxiety. Of course, there's a spectrum, some more than others. But when people say mental health as their excuse or as their reason, you know, what actually is it? Is it just because you might not love everybody at the party? You might feel a little anxious or uncomfortable, or is like, I really, truly, this will be harmful to me. And so I just think that's the birthday part.

is the perfect example. And the wedding, I mean, I did see a post that said, basically, you don't have to go to people's weddings anymore. And it was like, if they're your best friend, your sibling, like, you know, but basically like you just, you don't have to go. And the comments really pushed back against it. And we're like, you don't have to go, but this is part of building community. And this is sad. And this is getting away from having friends in community. And this is isolating us further. And no, you don't have to go to every wedding. I'm fully insubstant. I'm fully insubstant. supported that sentiment. I think is it someone you would invite to your wedding and would want to be there? That's what I would ask myself. I fully support not being able to make it to every single thing you're

invited to. But again, it's just this you don't owe anyone anything. Yeah, you do. You do. I mean, I guess you don't, you know what I'm saying. But if you want it in return and there's been a lot of this discussion about friendship and showing up for people being inconvenient, sure, sometimes. But I don't think of it like that. I don't think of it as like, friendship is an uphill battle and it's going to ink. I don't think of it like that. I think of it.

These are things I want to do. Yes, sometimes I don't really have the time. I'm busy. I don't want to fight traffic. You're tired. But overall, the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you might run into along the way.

I tell myself that all the time. Like, even if you are so tired at the end of this day, you're in a bad mood. It's raining. You don't feel putting on an outfit. You are bloated. I always tell myself, like,

the benefits of how happy you, you're going to feel after you, at the end of the night when you're like, I got to have that experience, well, outweigh any annoyance I feel now. And yes, all those things are annoying. You at the end of your day, like, I got to go to this dinner, I'm going to get dressed, I got cute, I got to socialize. Like, a lot of those things can be annoying, but like, it's such a net positive. The core of friendships is sharing those milestones with people and being able to spend years saying, remember when, remember that birthday, remember that event that we went to together, that trip we took together. And like, I want to have those memories with people. I want, like, to be

like this is the sixth time we've done X, Y, Z together. Like, the people that have shown up for me every single time, the people that have made it a priority to come to our live shows every single year. I mean, I could cry. It means so much to me that, like, all of our friends, even this year, like, and last year, we just forgot to tell people our friends in New York to come. They were messaging me, like, what's the plan for a holiday show? Like, who's meeting up before?

What are we doing after? Like, the fact that our friends have come to, like, eight holiday shows in a row. They have seen the girls got to eat shows. They've been a part of it. They want to do it every year. Like, I'll never forget it. and I'll show up for them forever because of it. Totally.

And the community we have built and the way our friends have become friends and the way that your friends have become my friends and vice versa and watching Shishonk become friends with our guy friends and have his own separate relationships and even you and our friends with my family and just the community that we've built around us is the most important thing in my life. And I know that everybody doesn't need that. And I think of the birthday dinner example and someone's like, okay, I hate a group setting and I would never do it myself. I would never have, I don't like having a

birthday, I don't like attention, I don't like groups, I don't like crowds. And it's like I understand that specific type of person who is very introverted, which I fully respect being like, I'm going to celebrate my friend's birthday over coffee or over lunch and take them out solo because that's what I prefer to do as well. But our whole point is like if you look at the big community and all the friends and all the things and people are showing up for each other and if you, you know, have a grasp on the kind of community that we built and all the people that come to the shows and come to the rain of Palooza and the wedding and all that stuff. And you're like, I want that. It's like you have to be that person.

I mean, you and I have had inconvenience ourselves all the time. I mean, you and I have had years where we've done 40, 50 live shows. And I'm exhausted. I don't want to go anywhere else. I don't want to get back in town. I don't want to work five days, get on the road, do three shows, come back and have to do something. But you and I have just made it our mission in life to show up for people. And I see the rewards of that because I wasn't always like this.

I don't know that I cared that much. high school or even college. I didn't have that many girlfriends. I had friends. I've always had friends. I've always been popular, but I wasn't like fredge up over everything. And in my 20s, I also was always in a relationship. I, like, lived with two men back to back. And my ex-fiance and I broke up. I didn't like have that big of a community. And I had to like at almost 30 be like, it's time to like build one. I just, it's like never too late to do this. I didn't like care that. I'm not like browbeating other people for not doing this because I didn't do it. I had a partner at home. And that was my priority.

went to work. I maybe got happy our drinks with some people after work. I didn't care that much. It's never too late. And I like that you bring up a partner too because we compare romantic relationships to friendships and like why are we so willing to be inconvenienced and sacrifice and do all the things for the romantic relationship, but not the friendships when arguably they're getting like. Because you're getting like of return. But yeah. And the way you were describing like being on the road or working really whatever you have going on and then having to do something on top of it. And like, it's exhausting. It's like, I think a lot of things that are fulfilling are exhausting. Mentally draining, I don't know. I mean, if you're going to go to that birthday

dinner and it's going to make you feel bad, again, like that might just not be for you. But being tired, being exhausted, being drained, I fucking live for that shit. I want to be tired. I feel fulfilled. So it's like, oh, I got to go to this thing. I'm so exhausted. For me, that's a reframe because I like to be tired. I like to have done stuff. You love to socialize. You can socialize every day. I am somebody that I can stay home for three days in a row. I like my own company. I don't need to see a soul. I will talk to people all day. For sure. But like I do like to be alone and I do need to like recharge and regenerate. And you and I were like in New York for two weeks and then your parents' house. And I was around for so many people. And the day after we got back, Brittany was having that going away party. Like she's moving out of LA. And I didn't want to leave the house. Oh man. There was nothing I wanted to do. I was like, Britney, why would you do us like this? December 29. There was nothing I wanted to do less.

But I was like, if it was me and I was leaving, I just had to ask myself if it was me, would I want people to show up for me? And so I had to put pants on and leave the house and go do something. It's important when people run the tape on their friendship with me that they feel that I've like shown up for them. And I don't know that I really cared that much in my 20s. It's become really important to me like later in life for people to be like Raina shows up. Yeah, I know.

That's really what it's about. I put together a matrix to determine if you have to go. So this is the friendship closeness event importance matrix. I like that you drew it and I want to feed post your drawing. This is, remember the crazy hot matrix? Do I remember it? Any matrix, really. So it's a matrix of the importance of the event and then the closest of the relationship

and where someone falls, like what quadrant they're in. So you have your friendship closeness along the top and then you have your event importance going up the side. So in your quadrant two, close friend important event. You have to go. You have to go. What are you doing? You better be at a hospital if you're not in my thing. And then we have in quadrant three, less close friend, less important event. You don't have to go. What is this a shower for a third tier friend? Don't invite me to your shower. Even if we are close friends. I don't want to come. Okay. So then if it's a shower, it's not important to me quadrant. I'll send a gift. Okay, quadrant one is your less close friend and your important event.

And this is your call. Is the friendship important? Do you want them to come to the event reciprocally if it was you? Okay. That's up to you. Yeah. And then your quadrant four, your close friend, less important event. And that's the same thing.

It's like, is it important to them? You know, I think that we have a friend who is getting married and we are going to her bachelorette and her wedding, of course. she's not our best friend. She's a close friend. Obviously, if we're invited to The Bachelorette, we're like in her close circle of friends. And she was asking me, just recently,

from my experience getting married, like inviting people to the shower. And I was like, I would never do a shower. It couldn't be me. I might have gone to your shower. I wouldn't have done that. No shade. But I was like, I think it's so easy to send people invites

and they know that, you know, they might not make it. And that's okay. So that's like close friend, less important event. That's where that falls. I like your matrix. I like that you started with number two. Also, you did not start with one like typically most people would do.

I start the most important. If someone's in that top corner and you don't go, you're a bad friend. It's just like we all have those friends that just cancel a lot last minute. And, you know, it just slowly arose the friendship for me. I mean, if you're okay with that, there are plenty of people. They're like, I don't do that many friends and I don't want that many plans. And don't include. Great.

and that's what we will be. But like the friends that just kind of like bail all the time, like the people that just live to can't, listen, I live to cancel plans. I love it. But I don't want people to do it to me. So like the people that just cancel all the time, they're flaky and they don't show up for me and they say yes, but I know they're probably not going to come.

Like I'm just not really friends with those people anymore. They can be included in plans I make with other people, but we're not close friends. You can't count on them. Yeah. And I would die if someone said they couldn't count on me. You know, I'm wondering if some of those flakier people,

know that they are a person that behind their back, people are saying you can't count on them. I would hate it. It would, it would crush me if someone's like, ah, she doesn't show up. You can't count on her. You're the number one show or upper. You don't let me cancel anything. You'll be like, right now we committed to this. We have to this. It's like, you have forced me to be a better person against my will. And here's the thing. I think that we all get passes in life and we're human and things happen. And so again, it's just one of those things of, is it a habit? You know, are you someone that people think about like that that you're going to bail.

I don't want to spend the whole episode being like, well, Ashley and I do this. But people are always like, how do you guys have so many friends? This is why. People know that they can count on us. We show up. We're going to prioritize things. We're not going to bail on stuff. If you really want the answer to that, like, and yes, I understand.

I don't have a partner or children. So it is easier for me to show up than your average. I also have money and I can afford to do stuff. So yes, all of those things I'm fully aware of. But if you're like, how do you guys do so many friends? That's why. Because you can count on us to show up. We'll do the right thing.

Yeah. And money is part of this too. I don't think your good friends want you to go in debt on their behalf. I mean, I have. In my 20s, I was so broke. All of my college girlfriends got married in our 20s. I did not miss a bachelorette or a wedding. I was overdrafting.

I was putting stuff on credit cards I couldn't afford. And I am not giving financial advice based on that. I was not the picture of financial success. I did that not just for my friends for myself too. I lived outside my means and I was irresponsible. And of course, I just don't regret any of that. Like, it was worth it to me. And that's not everyone's story.

I figured it out somehow. I made it up somehow. And I think that's the thing when it comes to money. Like, can you afford it? You might just have to tighten your belt somewhere else or work a couple extra hours or something. Can you act? Can you afford it with a little bit of sacrifice or can you really not afford it? A wedding, something really important to a close friend, can you make it work?

I think most people want to try to make it work. And if you can't, you can't. And people understand. It's tough. Yeah, if you don't have the money to do stuff, I think that you should feel very comfortable. And I know that those conversations are really uncomfortable. Saying to somebody, I can't afford to do this is it's a really hard thing to say out loud.

And I think that, like, we as a society, at least in my experience, like, have gotten better at having those conversations and accepting that is the answer. Like a friend of ours, she's having a bachelor at Miami. When I said her, I don't know if I can come. I don't think I can like make the time. She was like, no worries. It's totally cool. I don't expect everybody to spend this type of money. Like I am going to go now because I have my show that weekend.

I actually planned the Miami show around it. But it's a net positive of all these TikToks and all this conversation about boundaries. And I think it's a net positive because we are able to have those conversations more easily than I would have been able to in my 20s. I could see these conversations really spiraling out of control. I would have had so much anxiety having those conversations and saying to somebody, I don't think I can make it. And you think, like, I'm going to let this person down. What are they going to say? They're going to get mad and be like, I do think just overall we've gotten better at

having these conversations. Do you? I just, I don't have the tools. There's been some overcorrection for sure. And that's kind of what we're seeing is people are protecting their peace too much. They're protecting their peace into isolation. They're drawing boundaries and they're not seeing their community. And so, of course, there's been that.

But, yeah, I think people have the language. And I just think in general, we, I think, have been. become more empathetic. I think that we've all been through a lot, you know, especially I think people that share the same value system. I think 2020 was such a game changer. I feel like 2020 made me a lot more empathic. I just think in general, like we were talking with Laura and Christina recently. All the cool girls get fired. Like, employers are more empathetic. Like I just think in general, people are more understanding about everything. Yeah. Especially the younger generation. It is all about protecting your peace and mental health. So I think the conversations are

easier to have and it's just a matter of like picking and choosing what you can do and again in in my 20s I mean doing a destination bachelorette then the wedding I mean it just it becomes too much and especially if you're going to be a bridesma you're going to buy the dress I mean you can say no I can't afford this yeah and we encourage people to do that and if you're getting married you should understand that you're not the first person's ever got married people don't owe you all this money because of it and I do think there's a lot of talk about like are we overbound read are we overtherapies is everything designed to protect our peace. And I think that, you know, the pendulum really swang a little too far.

And I think that there's nuance there. You know, my least favorite social engagements in the world, it always has been, is like a room full of people that all knows each other and I don't know anybody. And you and I, what we do for work at this point, everybody wants to talk to us about what we do for work. And so I'm less scared of those things than I used to be. But like, I walk into Roob Solo and everybody knows each other and I don't have a romantic partner to walk in that room with. like I hate those social situations so deeply. And I think it's okay to go and stay for 20 minutes.

These days, I used to love it. I really don't want to stand at a bar. I just, I'm like, what am I doing here? It feels so foreign to me when it's like all I used to do every weekend. Like I want to go sit at a bar. I want to go watch an Eagles game and have a seat and have my chicken tenders.

I don't want to stand. Like I'll do it every once in a while. But someone having a party or a celebration of some sort at just a bar and there's to be dozens of people there and it's not my best friend, I might skip it. Like, that's the kind of thing that it's just like, this is a little more casual. It depends on what it's for. I mean, again, that's where the Matrix comes into play. Like, anything you do, I'm there. You and maybe, I don't know, for other people, I'm going to be there. No matter what it is, no matter if it's my least favorite social setting, I'm going to be there. I guess it's contradictory, but like you don't have

to do everything full force all the time. Like, that wedding I want to. the weekend before I met you. My friend Courtney's wedding in Boston. She invited me. I did not get invited with a plus one. Everybody knew each other. I didn't know one person. I was like paralyzed with anxiety. I was just like, I don't even know who I'm going to sit with. I went for like 45 minutes. I watched her get married. I said hi. I danced to like a dance. I left. I mean, I was really uncomfortable, but it was like really important to me to show up. But like I didn't need to stay there all night and feel like that. Yeah. That's the boundary I drew. And she will look back and know that I went to her wedding and that is important to her. But like, I didn't need to stick around all night.

Yeah. And again, that's where the importance of the occasion comes in. Because it's like, you know, birthdays, a birthday at a bar. People have birthdays every year. You launched a company. It's your launch party, like baby mama when Whitney didn't go to Macy's launch. Okay. Okay. Now you're into Mormon wives. Okay. Begging you to get into this for years. Stay with me here. Stay with me here. I'm in my Mormon and wives era. And this has been sticking with me that if you watch, obviously, Macy, that's a huge thing. You launch a company. You have some big promotion. Like, these things are more important than birthdays. I think, obviously, they're an achievement. And you notice who's not there. And they were discussing

this. Macy and Whitney were discussing this. And I can't remember the exact quote, but Macy, who is my queen and I'm just the number one person on the show, whatever, I'll do my power ranking. She wants to come on our show. She, we get pitched a lot of time. Macy. Macy. Macy. Naley herself. So she says to Whitney, because Whitney's like, I didn't come. I was, you know, just felt uncomfortable. And she goes, after my son's father died, I was a bridesmaid in two weddings. Like within the year, I can't remember the time span, but like I was just like mic drop. In the darkest time of her life, she showed up to be in people's weddings.

And she didn't say that to throw it back in her face, but it was just to illustrate, like, sometimes you have to push through these feelings to show up for people. Yeah, I mean, you and I believe in protecting your peace, but you do have to show up for people. Again, if you want a village, if you don't give a fuck, if you're fine to be out of mom talk, that's why too. I mean, when my fiancee left me,

the avalanche of weddings I had to go to that year, it was unbelievable, like it waterboarded with other people's happiness. But I'm going to look back and not have gone to those weddings. I knew that I would regret that because I knew I would, get over feeling so sad that he left me. Look at me now. And I would feel sad looking back that I'd miss those milestones in people's lives. And my God, was it fucking terrible?

And I didn't stay long. Yeah, like Charlotte didn't want to go to Miranda's baby shower. She put on a lip and she Elizabeth Taylored the shit out of her look and she hit the streets and she made it. I just, I will remember people that showed up for me for the rest of my life. And like, I think a lot about Randapalooza this summer and I had it in the Hamptons. And the Hamptons are pretty tough to get to. Even if you're in Manhattan, they're tough to get to.

You've got to take a train. If you come from the West Coast, you have to fly to JFK, you have to rent a car. It's not so easy to get to. And I'll remember for the rest of my life, the people that showed up. And Brittany specifically, I think about her all the time. And she's our friend who is sober and doesn't know a lot of our friends. It was coming from L.A. And she flew across the country and spent a whole weekend in a house of 20 drunk people,

even though she's sober and didn't. She's not the most social person, admittedly. I mean, I said to her to begin with. I don't expect you to come to this. But she made friends and like I will remember this for the rest of my life that she put herself in a really uncomfortable position. Oh, I'm pretty a great weekend.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't torturing her. We weren't camping. Yeah. But like I'll remember forever that she was like, I will put you ahead of what I want. Because I'm sure she did not want to do that. But she had a great time.

She made friends. Yeah. Like I mean, I know that there are some people out there that were like, I cannot be in that Raina Palooza situation. It's my nightmare. It will take a toll on me. I don't want to be.

to you? A few people. Which one of our friends. No, I just, I don't know. Then it's just, I guess you have a real mismatch in like personalities. And I think you would also understand if you had a really introverted friend, maybe it was like an older friend's when you grandfathered in because of history and you just don't really align on the way you want to spend your time.

But I don't think you certainly wouldn't cut someone out of your life because they're like, you know I just can't be doing that type of situation. I think that to your point previously, I think I have more empathy than I used to. People that were just, there were plenty of people. like I'd love to come. I don't really want to be bothered going to the Hamptons. And I was like, no problem. Yeah.

I will not show up for your birthday. Are we doing that this year? Are we doing Rannapalooza? Yeah. Yeah. Is it a, okay, it is annual? Well, because Megan's birthday. Yeah.

Is June 19th. We're doing Burning Meg and Rana Paloza. Okay. So we are doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. Okay. I've been meaning to ask.

Oh, my God. You guys are happening. I can't wait. I'm going to end my tour. We're going to do that. And then we're going to go to France. Okay. Okay. Summer locked and loaded.

But I do look back and again, friendship is not about like keeping score. I don't keep like a list of, I'm like ticking it off. Like you didn't go to this so I don't have to go for you. But it's just I always say that like, you know, for every relationship in your life, there's just giant whiteboard. We're just putting stuff up on it. And it's just noted. If you bailed on it, for close friends, you bailed on my birthday last minute.

I mean, I host the New Year's party every single year. And like there are people that like asked me, can I bring two people, three people and bailed on me in the last minute and I've spent money. No shows. Yeah. It's noted. Yeah, it's noted. Exactly.

Again, people get passes in life. Shit happens. But when it's a pattern and I can't count on you, what are we doing here? You're a party friend, if any friend. I mean, yes, you've been demoted to a party friend. Yeah. And, you know, I feel for anyone who feels like they always show up for their friends and they don't get it in return.

And sometimes the answer is you need new friends. Sometimes it is you need new friends to replace. those friends, but sometimes it's just you need friends that are in your place in life. Because if you are friends with a lot of people who are choosing to start families and you're not, you will feel the distance. And that is to be expected. And I certainly felt that with my college girlfriends. And I've cited them before where I just didn't feel like I had a lot in common with them when they were all having babies. And it's changed so drastically. I've been more communication with them. We're able to take trips now that their kids are older. So sometimes it's just, of course, friendships ebb and flow and they have

seasons. And you have to recognize if your friends are just in a different stage of life. And that's why it's so important to have friends who, one, value the same things as you do. And two are in the same stage of life. And it's not to replace those friends. It's just you need people in your stage of life. We did a whole episode on this early 2024. I do feel for people that feel like I'm always the person that reaches out. I'm always the person that makes the plan. I always have to like, buy the tickets and say like can we get together first and you see it with single girls a lot that they're just like I have the time so I am the person always reaches out and it's like disappointing and like it does make you feel like do people not want to include me and stuff do people like don't want to

prioritize me and to your point like it does just start to happen and you're late 20s and early 30s people start to have kids and I don't know they get their partner at home and they have a built and buddy at the house and so they're not hanging out with you as much and you do kind of have to find your community and I know that sucks it's easier said than done when my fiancee left me I was like, oh, I don't want to be friends. Like, I have to just start saying yes to everything. And it's uncomfortable and I don't like it. I don't want to go to all this stuff.

But, like, I benefited long term from it. We got, I got a listener to DM the other day. And this girl was saying, like, I live in Indiana and I'm debating me in Chicago because everybody around me is married with kids and I'm single. And I just, I don't have like my people. And I would never tell somebody, like, leave your whole community and family behind. But I like the idea. Like, you and I, we benefit from living in cities like New York and L.A.

That's never been my life experience. that everybody around me is married with kids because we don't live in cities that are like that. But for other people that live in communities like that, that's probably the majority of people. I know. The majority of the community. So, yeah, maybe move to New City. Yeah. And just, I mean, we've done a lot of episodes and created a lot of content on making friendships

and how important it is that you never stop. And it is never too late. And you can make best friends for life when you're in your 50s or older. And so it's just something I think that's important to remember. Okay, well, let's just take another quick break. and then we will get back into it. I am telling you guys about Helix. Okay, if you have a New Year's goal or a goal anytime a year to get better sleep and you do not

have a Helix mattress, this is how you're going to do it. It is the most important thing. I think every year as I age, I just realize how a good night's sleep is the most important thing truly, truly in my life. And I've had trouble sleeping in the past and I've been sleeping better than ever. Of course, we've had Helix mattresses for years. But it's just so, so important. So you're going to get on their site, take a sleep quiz.

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You put them in the gift bags for your wedding. I put them in the gift bags for Raina Palooza. I mean, to wake up in the morning and just put a liquid IV in my water. I love the flavors. I like the lemon lime. What do you like? Lemon lime, grapefruit, everything, and guava are my top three favorites. New Year's Day.

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and get 20% off your first order with code GGE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code GGE at liquid ivy.com. Okay. So one of the things I was reading about, there's just been so many thinking pieces about this recently, was how people are so conflict diverse. And they're just willing, instead of saying like this bothered me, this upset me,

they're just willing to let friendships go. Okay. Whether I've been saying like, I feel left out or I don't like the way you behaved in this situation. And I was talking to a friend of mine about how I've just gotten so much. much better conflict. I've had some conflict with friends this year. I've had to have some pretty hard discussions with people. And I am really proud of how I handle conflict because I was so conflict

diverse growing up and it was terrifying to me to say anything. And I will say all the time, like the thing that ruins friendships is not conflict, it's avoidance. And every time I've faced conflict head on with a friend, I feel like I've gotten closer with them. I understand them on a deeper level. I know that I can get through it with them again. I'm not afraid to have conflict with them further. But a friend of ours I was talking to, she was like, I could, the conversations you're describing, I could never have them. And I was like, this is a lifelong struggle for me. I didn't wake up at 40. I did good at this. But she was like, I can't have these conversations. They scared me. And I said, well, what's, tell me what are you afraid of? What's

the worst thing that could happen? And she was like, the people will leave me. So I'll tell them that I'm upset about something and they'll leave me. And I was like, is that really a friendship you want in your life? Somebody that you really feel like I'm going to express to them. calmly, this hurt my feelings and they walk at the door. I don't think we should apply that to everybody. Like, if you have a problem, this, and you can just fucking go. But I encourage people to have those type of conversations because most people, one, will not leave.

Right. And if they do, if somebody really cannot sit and listen to you say, you did this thing, it hurt me. Then, like, that isn't really a long time friendship you can have. Right. Yeah, that's not a healthy relationship. On the other side of the coin, I've been loving Amanda White, who is therapy for women on Instagram, a lot of her content surrounding this. And we've had her on the show. We had her on

2022 or 2023. You guys will find it. And she posted this thing that had, she said didn't happen to her. It happened to someone else. And it was basically a scenario of a friend. Her grandmother had just died. She moved to a new city. She didn't have any connections. And she texted. I was wondering if you want to hang out sometime, I could really use a friend. And the friend was basically like, don't guilt her at me, don't trauma dump on me, you know, which is like, that's not a friend either. You know, someone that you reach out and you're like, I could, I could really use a friend right now. And someone's like, don't make me feel like this. That is the worst case scenario I could ever imagine. And that person's not a person you want to want to. Exactly. Exactly. A person that is going to go on the

defensive. If you're like, I need people and they just attack you. Right. And also, I promise you that is a pattern in their life. That's the quality of relationships that. I can't even, I can't comprehend attacking somebody that's like, I really need somebody right now. I can't either. I know. I can't either. And listen, we all do have those friends that always have an emergency and they always need something right now. And you can't recalibrate them too. And I can't just drop everything all the time for you. But that's true. Yeah. I mean, there's a world in which it's like this person is always going through something. This is actually the scenario. Someone dying is different. But, you know, I do think there's a world in which someone is constantly every day. It's like some catastrophe and

they're needy and they need you. But I just didn't think that was going on in what she described. And I also liked this thing that she posted called the Friendship Recession and why we've forgotten how to connect and just kind of talking about everything that we've talked about. But it's like if you feel like you don't have the village and or you're not being a good villager, it's okay. I think that we have been conditioned with a lot of these things and we've over corrected on some of the boundaries and the self-care. And it's just never too late. It's never too late to be like, I'm done living that life. and I want to start showing up for people and have people show up for me. I just think that like this is kind of the space that we're in.

And again, this like staying at home alone and rotting has become glamorized. And that's okay. And I love to do it. I love it. But a lot of these things have contributed to this sense of isolation. Yeah. And lack of connection. I think we just all have to find a balance between like how many boundaries we're

going to have, how much isolation we're going to have. I love staying in the house. But if somebody's like, I need you, I had a. long time situation with somebody who I was quite frankly probably in love with and he didn't want to be with me and this went on for years and the women in my life that showed up for me every single time I said I promise this is the last time I promise I will cut him out of my life I promise I will stop like self-harming with this person I get like emotional about it because like I believed those things when I said them to my friends for years I promised to myself it would be the last time and my friends

watched me self-harm with this person, and he's a wonderful person, he didn't want to date me, but I should have cut him out of my life. And the amount of times my friends just showed up to listen and fielded hysterically sobbing voice notes, I mean, for years. And I just, I look back, no one made me feel silly or foolish or stupid, and they probably should have. And I have a laundry list of girlfriends that just didn't do that to me. And like, I will remember the people that showed up for me time and time again, even though I was being a dumbass bitch and I could not it out of my own way. I'll remember it for the rest of my life, the women in my life that just showed up because they knew that I wanted to believe that this was the last time I would let this

happen. Yeah, they put themselves, we put ourselves in your shoes of just like, she doesn't want to feel like this either, you know, and I had to talk with you where I was like, I think this is, if this doesn't change, it's starting to affect who you are as a person, you just are sad a lot, and you just are in kind of a depressive state. Like if you can't seem to turn it around this time, I think you need to seek professional help. And that was not, I'm taking hearing about it. That was just like, I don't want you to keep going down this road. It's like affecting who you are.

Which I also think that's okay to say to somebody. I think it's like we talked with Nedger Tuab who's going to come on our show again about saying to somebody like I'm outside of my depth here. Like I do think on the other side. Like I didn't receive that poorly. I think that like you were saying to me. I've genuinely had a hundred conversations with you about this. I don't have anything else to say about it.

Like you should see professional. National health. No, I just was like, you're not the same Raina is where I'm coming at it from. I'll still keep listening to this shit. I don't have anything else to offer. But it's just not this shit. You know what I mean? But it's just like, I think, you know, I don't want to see you go down any further down

this hole. But I think about that with a friend of mine who stuck by me through the most toxic relationship, like just so immature, so toxic, so up and down. It was so volatile. and ugh, I just like could, I'm sick over it. And she did that with me for two years. She wasn't the only one. And like just those friends who stuck by that shit,

because that was annoying as hell. I mean, it is. To watch your friend just keep re-immersing themselves in these terrible situations. And you're like, bitch, this is never going to get better. This is so bad for you. And for me, it was hard to walk away because he was a wonderful person, a great friend.

And he wasn't a toxic person. I was in a toxic situation with him. But like the amount of times I would say to my friends, like this is it. I'm done talking. I'm going to block him. And then they'd be in the car with me and his name would just pop up when he would call me. And like, nobody made me feel terrible about it.

And I appreciate that. And listen, again, like we said, you're allowed to draw boundaries. Somebody and be like, yeah, I've been doing this for years with you. And you need to help yourself. You need to put your like own oxygen mask on. I was going to say gas mask. But it's like, is it a pattern? You know, is this your friend that does this over and over and over and it has been

your entire friendship and it has been since middle school and it's been your whole life? Like, that's a little different than like everybody does get one. Everybody gets to be really psychotic and volatile and crazy and obsessive one time. For three years. For two to three years. It was three years for me. That's where I draw my founder. And then what I did was write a comedy hour about it.

So come to my shows and you guys can hear all about it. Raineygreenberg.com. Yeah, I'm glad we talked about the conflict too. And I do want to talk about digital friendships, internet friendships, versus in real life friendships. And I don't know, this is an interesting conversation because I think it's like, you do need to be a good friend online,

but that can't be the only way you communicate. Oh, well, it can be. You can have internet friends for sure. I feel like I just have people that I'm just like DM friends with, but they're not invited to my wedding. Yeah, exactly. So I had screenshot something that when I was seen a lot of this content that said unpopular opinion,

I think it's weird behavior when you don't interact with anything your friends posts on social media. It takes two seconds to show your friends support, especially when you see it, watching everything and not engaging gives nosy and hater energy. I don't think that's an unpopular opinion at all. I think hype your friends. I saw another post that said, if you were trying to become an influencer, like, that is so cringe, admittedly, it's fucking cringe to try to be an influence. Like, it's not an insult. Just we know it is. You got to do stuff that's cringe. Yeah. And you're the real friends are the ones that are like going to hype you in those like cringe moments when you're trying to do a thing. you know, I just think it's so, like, like your friend's stuff, leave comments, like, why are you not?

I mean, again, when all the Mormon wives didn't engage with Taylor Frankie Paul after she hosts the CMA, he's like, she knew something was up. But anyway, I just think that's like an important thing. Like, you know that too. You know the friends that are watching your stuff, but won't ever throw you a like or a comment or a hard emoji. I'm just, I'm surprised by the behavior. Yeah.

I'm not a big commenter all the time. I will say I get insecure about like, am I being funny enough? And if I don't think something funny, but I could never scroll past something and I'll like it. I am trying to be a better commenter. You are good. I'm not good.

I comment on all your stuff. Yeah, because you're funny. Because it comes naturally to me. You might be like best friend. But like I am trying to be better at like returning the love. Like also this doesn't matter to everybody. It's just like, but it does matter to someone who is doing influencer type stuff.

Like what we work in media. Like I want the. comments and the engagement. But like, even if you're not influencer, I put this on the internet so people would tell me that I am beautiful and amazing and hilarious. Like I, even my friends that aren't influencers like regular people.

I still like to be like, you're beautiful. You're totally right. Yeah, it does. You put it out there. It matters to you. So yes,

I take that back completely. We all want to be hyped and we all want to be engaged with and we all want that. So why are you not doing it? If you want it in, you know you want it in return. If you're posting, yeah,

so it's like, why aren't you like hyping your friends? I just, we need to hype our friends. No, like I post that whole reel for New Year's and like a couple of the people in that reel did not comment on it. And I'm like, I worked really hard on this for us. And I'd like you'd comment on it. But I guess on the other side of that is mistaking the digital interaction for like a real life interaction, which I don't think they're interchangeable.

I don't think it's the same. So I think sometimes people forget to be in person to make an effort to see somebody because you do feel like you're constantly, texting or voice noting or messaging with them. And they do keep us connected. Like I'm so happy we have the technological advances we have, especially with having nephews. Like I feel like I see them all the time. We FaceTime all the time. I think I cannot see people for months and I don't feel like that. I feel like I just saw them the other day because of these advances that we have. I think it's also important to remember that like that still is not a substitute for human interaction. Yeah. I mean, there's a couple people that respond to everyone on my Instagram stories. And that's how we keep our

friendship. That's our friendship. Yeah. You know, but real people I got to show up for. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess so many people are like, well, I want a village, so how can I show up better for other people? I mean, you are constantly reminding me. I can't cancel plans. So I don't even know. That's right. I don't cancel plans. But I also have gotten better. Like, our friend once said to me, I can't commit to this. I don't think I'm going to want to go. And I was like, you could do that. Like, yeah, that's crazy. Like, she set the expectation ahead of time instead of canceling. Like, I've gotten better at saying. I've gotten better at saying, like I don't know if I'm going to come or want to come so like make plans out me.

Like I just want to set the expectation ahead of time whether I'm going to come or not, but I don't want to cancel on people. Yeah. I think, again, I don't want to be contradictory here either. I think that know thyself in terms of what you want to do, what you're going to want to do on the day. Like we do think when you want to meet people and you want to get out there, we have said, say us to everything.

Of course, this doesn't mean you want to stretch yourself too thin and then that's going affect you mentally, emotionally, whatever. It's not that. But it's like at this point in my life, at this age, I do know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. And we're not talking about milestones and like special events and weddings and birthdays. We're talking about just plans in general. So I do not want to bail. I don't want to have people count on me. I don't want them to include me in a reservation or pay for me in some way, get me a ticket if I'm going to bail. So I think that is just if it is committing to fewer plans, but keeping them, it would be the secret there. Yeah. I've gotten just better at being like, I don't know if I'm going to want to go to this.

But like, I don't, I don't want people to think I flake on them and they can't depend on me. And like, I've had friends like that. And I'm just like, you're in a different bucket. Like, you're invited to the larger group plans. But I don't feel obligated to show up for you. Next is use the matrix. The friendship closeness, relationship closeness, event importance matrix to decide. Because again, you, maybe you can go to everything.

And that's great. And maybe you can. And so that's just a decision you need to make. And I just think it always comes back to asking yourself, how would you feel? And it's never too late to do any of this stuff. Like, I've had seasons in my life where I've just really gotten away from people. I've been really selfish. People haven't heard from me as much, especially when you and I are on tour.

It's like we do two episodes a week. We're on tour. I'm just not that available. And so I do forget things. And I think it's never too late in life to be like, hey, I know I've been a little distant. I'd like to change that. Like, it's okay to acknowledge that.

I think people appreciate it. They do. People appreciate honesty and vulnerability. So communicate honesty is at the top of every list of how to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. And of course, you don't want to be this person that blows in and out and it's just like they're absent, then they come and apologize. And it's this toxic cycle. But again, everybody gets a pass that, you know, people get chances to redeem themselves.

And you're allowed to be like, I know I was a bad friend and I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. I had this happen with a friend. I felt like I wasn't a good friend to him when he was going through something. we were moving and I had my own shit going on and it wasn't that I just didn't check in with him at all but I just wasn't really there in the way that I would typically be for a friend and when I saw him in person but months later maybe even a year later I brought it up and he was like I did feel like you like you weren't there for me and I didn't need you like checking in on me every single day but I was really going through it and I consider you a close friend and I did feel like you

you weren't really there for me and I it just broke my heart and I was like I'm vowing to be a better friend because it wasn't someone that's like one of my best best friends, you know? Like we do put friends in different tiers and different boxes and their importance in our life and how we prioritize them. And so I just was like, this is someone that means a lot to me and I want to be better. And we're great. You are. I think people understand that. And again, like what our friend said previously where she was like, I think people are going to leave me if I bring up a conflict or something. And it's like, I think you guys worked through it because you're both rational people that can look at things in context. People that can't do that. And,

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it's like if he would have said, like, I just think you're a shitty, selfish person. I would have been like, okay, I don't think this friendship goes from here. That's not how we, I didn't think we weren't doing that at this age. You know, like, so there's that too.

You know, it goes both ways. Yeah. When you treat people how you want to be treated. I just think like to have a village, you obviously must be a villager. Like deep connections require a lot of cultivation. It requires showing up for people and communicating how you feel and being there when someone needs you and it's never too late you can always get back there but like deep connection it requires commitment yeah and i have been reading about people who are hyper independent and they just don't

want to let anyone do anything for them and they pride themselves on being super independent this was an article we had pulled from betches that you had listed and it's just like this isn't to become codependent or become more needy than feels natural but it is like let people show up for you let people help you. People genuinely want to. This stuff makes them feel good. I don't know. I just feel like high functioning successful women, for example, can have a tendency to be like, I don't, I got this, you know, and they don't want to inconvenience someone. But that's just kind of how friendship works as you show up for each other. You do stuff for each other. Yeah, I mean, I definitely like feel like I'm really independent. I can do everything for myself. There's also

apps on apps on apps that like, we'll have to talk to anybody. Everything can just come to us, be delivered for us, done for us. But I emotionally never forget to lean on everybody all around me. But the article mentioned that too, is that we've become so independent, but also the apps have allowed us to as well. I mean, in the olden days, like if you were recovering from something or you couldn't leave the house to go get food, like the village would bring the food over. You wouldn't just door dash it. So some of those things, we have to like let our friends show up for us in that way. I really love people show up for me. I just feel like I'm really lucky. You and I are surrounded by like really wonderful women and I've had some seasons in my life where I've like

really really fucking needed it and been going through it. I've been really sad and angry and those times pass and when I'm out of it and I don't need as much, those are the times that I prioritize checking in with other people more and being like, how are you? How are you feeling? Because sometimes you're just so in it you can't check in with other people and that's okay too. We all have seasons where we just have to be like really selfish. Yeah. So those are some tips and hopefully if you've gotten this far and you're like how can I be better, you have picked up some of those things along the way. Yeah.

All right. Okay. Well, here's to your village in 2026. Yeah. Here's to making more friends and just going out more and leaning on people and having more meaningful experiences with other people in 2026. Okay. Well, you guys can find to us at Girls GottaEat.com.

Girls Gotta Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess. Raina is ranna. com. Your tour tickets at Raina Greenberg. com. Tour starts in two weeks. Two weeks.

And subscribe on YouTube. share this episode with a friend, maybe. Who needs to be a better friend? No, just slip in the link. And we will see you guys Thursday. Have a great week, guys. Bye.