Girls Gotta Eat - Feeling Myself (and No One Else) feat. Asexuality Activist Yasmin Benoit

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

We're joined by asexuality activist Yasmin Benoit and she's breaking down being asexual (as well as aromantic) and discussing/dispelling myths surrounding sex drive, masturbation, being in relationships, and more. We're also chatting about the spectrum of asexuality, how to talk about it with friends and family, dating, and lack of representation in the media. And we're sharing our and our listeners' non-sexual turn-ons, plus catching up on something nice Rayna did for her body and a DM slide Ashley received. Hope you enjoy! Follow Yasmin on Instagram @TheYasminBenoit. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Check our website for show dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/gge. Raycon: Go to buyraycon.com/gge for 15% off your entire Raycon order. Calm: For a limited time, get 40% off a Calm premium subscription at calm.com/gge. DailyHarvest: Get $25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com with code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's one of the fun things about being asexual is that your sexuality is kind of independent and it's not dependent on anybody or dependent on your sexual attraction towards anyone. I know. I think that's quite fun. I think it's kind of empowering to have a sexuality that's independent of everybody else. Another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Still a little sick. Okay.

To be fair, we did record that intro the day before. So like Sunday. Yeah, so Sunday to Thursday, but this, yeah, so sorry again. This is the voice you're getting. You know that you are kind of like a man in a bunch of ways, but one of the ways that you are kind of like a man is that when men get sick, they're like, they're like, they're so mad. No, no, I'm going to disagree. Men are pathetic and all they do is like feel sorry for themselves. I'm like angry. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm an angry male when I'm mad, but not men when men are sick, they're like pathetic. You know, you're right. And need your pity.

They act like they're dying of a chronic illness when they have a cold. I haven't a boyfriend like eight years. Okay. You're the only boyfriend I have. Okay. Sun is shining. What's going on?

Oh, my God. So we're recording right before the weekend. You guys are listening on Monday. I am doing something huge this weekend. Bringing my new man home to meet the family. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to Delaware with Azul. It's supposed to be beautiful all weekend. He's going to be on the farm.

He's going to be on the beach. I'm so, so excited. I cannot wait. The content with the three boys. Oh, I'm so excited for him to finally meet the fam. What if he's never been to the beach? Do you think he's been to the beach for? I actually looked where he came from and it was this place in South Carolina that was not far from

the coast. But still, no guarantees they took him to the beach. Who's out here like getting arrested with a bunch of dogs in the car? I don't know that they're taking beach trips. That bitch was not taking dogs to the beach. Okay. Oh, I'm so excited for him. He has a new family now.

I know. He rehomed a new boyfriend. And tonight you have like a big thing that you're doing. Oh, you're getting back out there. I'm getting back out and stand up. I mean, I just have, we did a little bit. Like outdoor shows. Or I did a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, but now I'm like back to officially performing at the stand. So you guys can always check the stand's website and other places too, but like mostly at the stand, the stand, NYC and see where I am on the calendar. But they sell out quick. It's still like kind of limited capacity. Yeah. Comedy's back though. I love it.

I just, I feel like there's so much great stuff happening. I ran into my neighbor. while I was waiting for a car this morning, and he told me live music's back in your neighbor that, like my neighbor that I fuck, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you guys are like,

there's so many apartments in your building 200 people, 200 apartments. I ran into my neighbor who I sleep with. You can't stop. I can't, literally can't stop. Speaking of people that I sleep with, I had a major medical procedure yesterday. I'm very excited, but considering it a lot.

So I had an IUD put in. Oh, my God. Little girls on birth control. I'm so excited. No more plan B as, plan B was right as plan. all these years. I just want to say up top in case you guys don't know,

I am not a doctor. So the stuff I'm going to say, I talk to my doctor, I picked things that were right for me. I made my own choices. You guys should do your own medical research. I'm not advocating for you to do anything with your body. But yes, plan B was my plan A.

Come on my tits was my... Tell me you're rich without telling me you're rich. Plan B is my birth control. Primary form. Well, come on my tits is my primary form. It sounds like you're slutty and freaky, but really you're just like, I'm trying to not get pregnant.

But yeah, I haven't been on like actual like oral birth control in probably like six years. And I haven't had like a very serious long-term boyfriend. So I haven't felt like there was any reason to put hormones in my body for any reason. And again, if that's what you guys want to do, great. If it regulates your period, great. I get my period. Yeah, you're on the pill. I get my period like every 30 to 32 days.

So I've always been regular. No cramping. It's light. It's short. I'm a miracle. But anyways, Mirra Shaw, who is a former guest of ours. and a friend and a doctor put it in for me. She did our episode about abortions.

If you guys remember that episode, she's absolutely phenomenal. Check out that episode also. Last fall, I think. Yeah. Really fantastic episode. You'll learn a lot, I think. But she did it for me. It's always fun when you show your friend, your pussy.

I know. When I had that new guy, I was like, are we friends now? It's really weird to hang out with somebody and be like, but you've seen like inside of me. I like don't care because I'm friends with my bikini wax or, you know, like from Atlanta. like we were friends. I'm like, you've seen my pussy so many times. You've been up in it. I don't ever want to see that on my friends. It's also your titties. I'll see your butt. I've seen all your stuff, but I don't want to see your vagina. No, no, you don't. But there comes a point in a woman's life where you are friends. Well, I don't know, maybe for us, like we have become

friends with women that have been all up in our pussy. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, now I've become friends with her. She had a scope inside of my vagina. I'll tell you guys what I picked. I got the copper IUD. I'm, It can last the longest, but again, obviously, like research if you want hormonal or copper, I've never had problems in my period, so I don't need to regulate it or anything or cramping or heavy bleeding. Everybody pretty much that I talked to told me a crazy story about at least the insertion. So I've heard everything from I fainted to I was sick for two days to I bled for two months. My personal experience has been that I barely felt it go in.

It's amazing. The doctor told me that a lot of different people have nerve endings in that area. She was like, you probably just don't, and that's it. every person is 100% different. I was like braced for the absolute worst. I barely felt it. Yeah, and like we said, like you hear the horror stories because those are the things people share. How many people have gotten the IUD? They're like, yeah, no big deal. I love it. I don't get a period. You know, like, I think that it's just like anything else. Like those are the reviews you read online because someone had a terrible experience. I have to go talk about it. The people that are just like, yeah, it was great. They're not out here.

Yes. You know. So we have tons of friends that have done it. And almost everybody said the insertion hurt a lot and I bled a lot. But it was like the best thing I ever did for myself. And we have people have told us horror stories that got it right out immediately. Right. Yeah. I mean, yeah, my friend is a horror story from the copper IUD, but totally different body. And you know, you'll probably be great with it. Seems like. So I'm excited. Smooth sailing, no pain. That's crazy. That was crazy. That was nuts for me. I was like, oh my God, oh my God. And she was like, oh my God. And she was like, oh, my God. And she was amazing. I just, I spotted a little bit, but that was it. I'll let you guys know how I like it over the next couple months. But she said it works immediately. So you can immediately start getting that D. I will get my period on the copper ID. IUD. Oh, you do get your period? The hormonal one can completely eliminate your period. She said the copper one will not. Like the marina. That's like a hormonal one. Yes.

Okay. So this will not eliminate my period. But so far, so good. There's a couple things that I'm out of the woods from the pain from the insertion. You can faint. I didn't do that. And then some people have a weird chemical thing that happens. None of those things happen in the first 24 hours.

So I'm fine. And I'll let you guys know if anything crazy happens. But I'm excited to be on birth control again. Go off. I would love just a hysterectomy. I'm not having children. I'm sick of having a period. Take the shit out.

I was actually wondering if you're going to do that. You can't do it. I mean, I'm, you know, I say this kind of jokingly. It's like annoying to me to know I'm not having children and still have to get a fucking period. I'm just like, I'm over this. Every month. I cannot believe you have to get it. It's crazy when you get older.

Your body changes. Your hormones change. Like, I went up my birth control for a year. I'm on the pill. like years ago I went off it for a year and then I started dating somebody and I got back on it because we were having sex regularly and that first month was hell on earth.

I was crying. I felt the most pregnancy symptoms like to the point of I took a pregnancy test. My mom was like there's no way you're not pregnant. Like my breast hurt to the touch. Like I would get these, I would have like morning sickness almost. It was shocking and it was just getting back on

and after taking a year off. And my doctor was just like, yeah, it's just, you know, you're getting older. And I was like, fuck this. And so there's times when I'm not having sex at all. And I'm still just on it because I want to stay on it. Again, you guys, everybody's different. We're not giving medical advice.

We're just sharing experience because this is a podcast from women. Yeah. But anyway, so I just, I have considered an IUD. I probably would just do the hormones because I've been on these hormones for so long now. Right. You've been on them for a long time. And I'm fine and I feel regulated. But yeah, I mean, it's kind of like, I don't love the idea that there's hormones in my body, but I'm certainly not willing to go through what I went through when I went off of it and then back on it.

And so, I mean, an IUD has always been on my mind. I'm also like, I don't know, the pills been working for me. I'm just going to stick with it until I get the shit removed, which I don't think you can do. Well, she told me also, and again, you guys will do the research, but there's a lot of different kinds of hormonal ones. I think there's four. And she said it actually, the hormones regulate pretty much to your uterus, so you will not have the crazy mood swings. But some people could. She said some people could have weight gain.

It's mostly about regulating your period. I know. And how long it stays. Yeah. So mine can stay in for 12 years. It's the longest. Twelve? 12 years.

12. What? Until I hit metapause. I did not know that. That's insane. I did not know the copper was 12. 12. Go off, copper IUD.

I'll literally be in metapods when they take it out. But she also said it can be removed really easily, really quickly. And, you know, obviously just go to a doctor that you guys love a gun. I've had people recently say to me, I don't love my gonacol. Just go to one that you like. It's really intimate and vulnerable. And I was like terrified the whole time. She was like, I was going to, she was like, I will walk you through every single sensation you're going to feel.

And I felt really like. taking care of by her or the nurse. Yeah, we didn't even talk about this, but I found a new gyno not too long ago. I mean, I guess probably now like six months ago at this point, but needed to find a new gyno in the city, found one. I like picked her. We got health insurance, so we're moving on up in the world and I just picked her on like the health insurance website. She looked nice. I was just like going off photos, like headshots. And she was able to get me in quickly because that was when I had that crazy yeast infection, whatever, it's on porn. But we like are from basically the same hometown. She went to arrival high school, same exact

age, same graduating year, knew Lindsay, my cousin, knew all these people I knew. She knew this guy used to hook up with. I'm telling her, I'm like, I used to hook up with this guy. Do you remember him? She's like, oh, yeah, girl. Like, we were like besties by the end of it. You know, of course, she saw my full vagina and then come to find out she's like really close with a good friend of ours and her husband, who's also a doctor, her husband, they're both doctors. It was just like, I was like, can I be friends? Like, can I say, like, do you want to hang out? Like, is that weird? You were like, I don't know. I love, mostly you rack up doctor friends. That's what you love to do. I cannot recommend enough.

This is a thing. I feel like you get into your 30s and you just like, you want a good circle of professionals around you. Like it's so fun to have people. I like to look up to my friends. Like I love to have friends that are like doctors and lawyers and like do all this amazing stuff that like I could never do. That's how I like living in New York. I mean, I'm sure you can find doctors in other cities. I take doctors of other places.

But yeah, as I get older, I just like to be surrounded by people that like I'm interested in the shit that they're doing. And like free medical advice. Yeah. And they can refer to other people. Lisa, Dr. Lisa, every single day. 100%. Okay, I have a funny DM to read you.

This is from last week's episode, which last week we talked about, if you guys listened, if not, go back and listen, that I love motorcycles and hopping on the back of a motorcycle with a stranger. I don't care. I'm super turned on by them. That's probably how I'm going to die. Whatever. Don't judge me.

And I was saying how our friend Merrill went out with this guy and he offered to take her to Brooklyn for the thing she had to do on his motorcycle and she declined and we like lit her up about it. We're like, whatever. And it's fine. Meryl has a boyfriend now. But anyway, we said that last week. I got this DM from this guy, hot.

His avatar is a smoke of a guy. Okay. Hey, Ashley, this is Meryl's underwater welder coffee date. What? Someone thought they recognized your description and asked me to listen in to confirm. And sure enough, that was me. Definitely a shame. She didn't take me up on the motorcycle ride, ha, ha, but a lovely coffee date, nonetheless.

Thanks for a good laugh today. Okay, also that guy sounds smart and nice. Holy shit, he's hot. I know. Did you write him back? So I wrote him. I like that name, by the way. I've never slept with somebody with that name.

That's a great name. I wrote him back. He doesn't live here anymore, as he lives in another country. Oh, God damn it. Merrill said he's very hot, not the tallest, which again, we don't short shame men on this podcast. We probably have in the past.

Don't hold us to it. But like, I'm a tall person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Merrill's like five, six, like her. So that was kind of like, uh, because I was maybe going to shoot my shot.

fly there. To Norway. Is that right? All right. It was something cool like Italy, yes. I would go to Norway. That was my favorite ride at Epcot. I've had to Norway.

I went to Norway. But I was going to shoot my shot and almost be like, let me know when you come back to New York. I'll ride on your motorcycle with you. But I just more was like, thank you for the message. That is the nicest message. That's such a nice guy. He's kind of flirting with you. He's being nice.

He's spelled correctly. He's hot. maybe he'll move back. Listen, I'll listen. If he's 5'9, I'll take it. I need a high check. Sir, if you're listening. I'm like so turned on by his job.

What's his job? Underwater welder. I'm like, God damn it, guys. I am so fascinated with how bridges are made. I don't get it. You know that I dated a guy that was an engineer. The guy lost my virginity too. He builds bridges.

He's an engineer bridge builder. I think there's a documentary. Someone recommended this to me before. I do need to look into it and watch it. I'm so fascinating. by how bridges are built and tunnels, I cannot. That's what he did, tunnels and bridges. It's hot.

He had the biggest dick, but he, like, really couldn't fuck. Like, it's so crazy that this bridge could be like, something's going on with the bridge, underwater, we need to hire this welder. And he, like, what puts on his, like, scuba gear? That guy's in crazy shape, too. I can't see his body, but, you know, he's underwater welder. I know. You're not, you're some, like, dumpy fat body with, like, that job.

No way. I like that guy. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. But that was pretty much my update. I can't believe I reach out. This is so exciting for me. May. I watched nothing this week. Oh, you know what I'm like re. I'm into again as Top Chef. I'm really

enjoying this season. If I can give it a plug and here's why. I feel like for like 18 seasons or however many, it's been like all these white men, just so many white men. And I feel like the producers like were like, oh, we can't do this forever. And they have so many black people on the show, Mexican, Dominican. There's a lot of females on the show now. Yeah, I just, I feel like they've, they've like taken a hint and incorporated more diversity into it. And I think they'll like like I've always said food is the best way to see another culture. So yeah, I'm enjoying this season very much of Top Chef. Okay.

The Hills and Siesta Key started back up. Oh my God, the Hills. So I haven't watched it yet. I didn't get to watch it last night. The Hills, I'm saving the Hills. And then Kate and I are going to watch it. I'm going to L.A. to stay with Kate in a couple weeks. So we decided to do that.

But I am going to catch up on Cesta Key. Third week, I'm going to talk about All-American. I started season three. I bought it on Amazon. You know how I love to buy shows on Amazon. And it's a little depressing. I'm like a little bummed. It's like kind of just darker.

Like nothing is really uplifting. Like the show was like an emotional ride. Like I cried like every episode season two. But there was like enough uplifting stuff to kind of turn around. It was always an emotional roller coaster. And season three feels a little just everything is bad. I don't know. And maybe it'll turn around.

I think I've watched five episodes, but I'm just like waiting for it where like there was tons of conflict and tons of ups and downs in but it was ups and downs. And I don't, there's not enough ups to go with the downs. Everybody's relationships all fucked up. And it's just like, guys, like, did we get a new showrunner or new writers? Like, this got really kind of depressing. After two seasons, a lot of shows run out of steam.

There's a lot of shows that they say like got, like, the crown. Like people just like stop watching a couple seasons. And then like this new season was like amazing. Also the Handmaid's Tale. Everybody said that got really bad. Now it's great again. So like I can't speak on either. So I don't watch them.

But this is like a third season slump thing that I think happens. It could be and they are renewed for a season four. So I'm going to see it through. I'm not stopping. But like, I just want to talk about this with people. So you guys feel me on this? Let me know what you think.

I know I can't talk to you about it. Okay. And then we have a little fun segment for you guys today. Should we get into it? Yeah. Okay. So our episode today is on asexuality. We have an amazing guest.

Her name is Yasmin Benoit, and she is talking about being asexual. And we were chatting with her about like, okay, so if you're not turned on by a person, your sexual desire is not directed at someone, like not male, female, not whatever, like, what does turn you on? And a lot of it's just like your own pleasure, how it feels in your own body.

We'll talk about it. Guys, the interview's coming soon. But then it kind of gave us an idea to like ask you guys what your non-sexual turn-ons are. Yeah. People said, like, when a man does the dishes, we wanted this to be like totally removed from a person because a lot of people interpreted like that, which is like no shade. Like I understand that.

But we wanted to be like nothing having to do with another person. Yeah. That gets you wet. Yeah, your partner. I will say I got woken up to some great sex this morning. We have a sexting episode coming up for you guys. You've been waiting. They're going to come.

But non-sexual, this thing that I honestly, it's my favorite thing to masturbate too recently. It's so weird. I don't care. So I started to watch a lot of ASMR videos, and there's a ton of different kinds. There's like soap-cutting ASMR, and there's like eating ASMR,

melting stuff. But I found these, I started to feel these little tingles in my body when I would listen to ASMR, and then I found these ASMR makeup tutorial videos. If you guys don't know what ASMR is, it's autonomous sensory meridian response. Wow. Did not see that coming. And that's your lesson for the day, guys. Go flex with that. It's basically people making noises into the microphone and the

noises are basically really heightened. It's usually like eating, tapping, melting stuff. And then you feel it like in your body. Yeah. And also people talking in a certain way, right? It's usually whispering. Yeah. So you guys can feel like the tingles in your fingertips when it happens. And it like it makes me horny. Like I feel it in my pussy, not just in my chest. And the makeup tutorials, ASMR, is like, they're like doing your makeup and this girl will be like, hi. Rina, I'm going to get on this too. And I masturbate to it. It turns me on so much. It's so fucking weird. I don't care. It makes me feel something in my pussy and I masturbate to it. Okay. So if you guys want, there's tons of stuff on YouTube. Just Google

ASMR makeup tutorial. There's tons of them. The longer, the better, honestly. Oh my God. So that's what I masturbate to. That's what turns me on. Yeah. We We were joking, like Raina's other non-sexual turn-on is obviously soup. Mine is being right. Being right is my turn on and my love language. But a video that got me feeling some kind of way the other day, this was a video. Marie Foster posted it, who's a former guest of ours from probably 2019. Her Instagram is Reasy. There's a couple E's in there. And she posted this video and it was these two women running on like Team USA, like a track and field thing.

And I guess, I don't know what it's called. the relay, the baton, like one runs up to the other when it passes the baton. It's like a whole race. And they were like these two women, I mean, the way they were running and like passing the other runners and like their bodies, they just look like gazelles. Like I was like, this is insane. And the seamless handoff of this baton. And then they said the, randomly it was set to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio, which is just like,

I love that song. Who doesn't? Also one of Cindy's favorite songs. And it was just hot. Like, yes, I guess their bodies turned me on a little, like the athleticism. Like, I've always said. Like if I was going to be with a woman, it would be like an athletic woman. Like I'm very attracted to like women's like athletic bodies.

But the way they were running and just like smoking everybody, the seamless handoff of the baton, I'll post it on Instagram. I was like, who, why am I turned on? I didn't feel like I wanted to go work out. I wasn't motivated to work out. I was motivated to masturbate. You know what it is? It's excellence. That's what you're turned on by.

It's somebody that is so good at what they're doing. You're like, fuck yes, that turns me on. I'm turned on by excellence. I want to be inspired by people. That's why I never fucked my ex. Yes, I totally agree. So let's just run through a few of the ones that people said. Maybe they'll resonate with some of you guys,

non-sexual turn-ons from you. We crowdsource on Instagram. Of course, being right, someone wrote, feeling like a boss after a great singing, dancing class. Again, excellence, this one I love, the out for delivery email. I'm here, full body chills.

People telling me I'm funny. Yes. Cleaning my ears with Q-tips. We got a few of those. I guess you're not supposed to. Listen, I do it. I kind of rim them a little. I don't get in there and like poke my brain.

I do. Okay. I love it. Booking flights, getting the daily double on Jeopardy, an Apple Watch, parallel parking in one try. I'm great at it. I'm unbelievable. I'm so good at parallel parking.

And if I do it and there's like an audience, like I'm, yeah, unbelievable. Chipotle, when someone hands me the ox cord, lasagna. You guys feel that. I don't feel it. I think the lasagna is supposed to throw up. I hate ricotta cheese. I hate all stuffed shells.

We talked about this with Andrew Cullen. I just, I don't like it. Okay. and then I'm going to end on puzzles. Did Cindy Heseltine right that? Ashley's mom loves puzzles. Okay, popping blackheads.

Listen, it grosses me out, but I do like to do it to myself. Really, really good bread. I mean, honestly, any carbs. An organized fridge,

the homecoming live album. Oh, cannot relate more. It is so good. Freshly shaved legs on freshly washed sheets. Oh, I love being butt-ass naked on a sheet. Everyone in the group chat,

ha-ha in your text. I get very sad. I feel like people are not as giving with ha-haz in the group chat as one-on-one. You know they're not. Okay. I don't know. My group chats are pretty lit. Using the entire ink of my favorite pen. That does not make me happy. I don't know if I can relate to that. I can't either. And quoting every single episode of the office, I can 100% late to that and then oranges. Oranges. Okay, I will wrap it up. A good mullet. My own tan lines. I relate to that. I'm turned down by my own talent. I see like a good tan line. When my favorite vodka is on sale, all caps, just guacamole, straight up, meticulous Excel spreadsheets. I feel like you'd be into that.

Yes, love it. This one, I'm like wet thinking about it. When you cut into a barata and it oozes out. I love it. Fast assertive typing. The perfect Philly cheese steak, a good credit score, and in all caps, the vaccine. Go off snacks, back snacks. Back snacks.

Okay. Overwhelmingly, because you guys did answer this for non-sexuals, stuff that a person would do. Overwhelmingly when a man cleans. Like when he loads a dishwasher, when he cleans overwhelmingly, all kinds of details when he vacuums, when he's cleaning. Like, guys, if you are not cleaning and you're not getting fucked, that's why, start cleaning.

That's, I want to come home and have you do something thoughtful for me. I don't want to, like, clean just because, like, you think I have a vagina, so born with the clean gene. Like, it is so sexy when a guy with, you. being told or even hinted at is loading the dishwasher doing the dishes cleaning it's so hot remember that mr clean commercial that guy was like the cartoon he was like they made all jacked mr clean he was like a bodyguard yeah there's a reason for that so i'm not kidding the responses women's if you were to pull from those responses women's number one quote unquote non-sexual turn on men cleaning i love it i love mr clean

i'm glad you brought that up i will masturbate to that too that cartoon bald guy but yes do something nice for your partner, men. Let me fuck on every clean surface in my apartment. I love it. Close the kitchen cupboard. Did you see this Betches video? Did you see it? And it was this like TikTok, the song that's like,

I'm gonna leave the door open. And it's just this guy leaving every door open in the part. Like the cupboard, the dishwasher door, the pantry. Yeah, I love that. No, I didn't see that. That's so funny. And I texted Kate.

I was like, is having a husband even worth it, I'd be honest. This is what they do. Let a man not shut a cupboard door. That is crazy. That is next level. lazy. Yeah, it is. But I think some men are hobbled by you taking care of them so well. An open cupboard? I'm not even like a need freak, but you got snacks out of the cupboard. You left the

cupboard door open. I'm going to leave the door open. Be honest, this is even worth it. That's the kind of shit you can all ask your restaurant. That's so funny. All right. Let's get into it with our guest, guys. We are so excited to welcome this week's guest to the show. She is a model, a writer, and an asexuality activist. She's spoken about asexuality in vogue, glamour, GQ, Forbes, and Cosmo, just to name a few. She is the creator of the series.

Hashtag, this is what asexual looks like. And she has a fantastic TEDx talk. Asexuals need media representation. We are thrilled to have her with us today. Please welcome to the studio, Yasmin Benoit. Hi. Thanks for having me. Yes, we're so glad to talk to you.

Thank you for being here. We're so excited. Ashley, um, introduce me to your content and we both love it. Thanks, Ashley. Of course. We just, we wanted to do this episode and we, you know, we always say we have these topics and it's just a matter of finding the right person to speak on them.

So, and you're in the UK? Yes, I am. I'm in writing. Okay. Awesome. So we're really excited to have you here today to cover this topic. And as Ashley mentioned, we have had a lot of people ask us about this. And a couple weeks ago, we did an episode about sex drives, libido, with a psychosos.

with a psychotherapist about sex, and how do I make my sex like better? But the other side of this is asexuality. And what if I'm asexual and what a relationships look like going forward and dating somebody who's asexual? So you've done so much work in this field. Do you want to maybe talk about it a little bit? Sure. And then, I mean, I would love to know, like, start as far back as you want.

I mean, as a kid, you know, how you felt when people were getting into sex and whatnot and how you kind of realize this, just your journey. Well, I mean, I always say that I realized I was asexual when everyone else seemed to realize that they weren't. I feel like there is a phase of life where everyone seems pretty asexual. It isn't until like early puberty when I know whether it was the sexual attraction or the romantic attraction, what it was. But either way, something was kicking in. And that's when I thought, okay, I'm not really feeling the same way as other people. But I kind of assumed it would kick in.

It wasn't something I was going to encourage because it looked like effort to me. But I assumed it would happen. but it didn't really. And yeah, it wasn't until like kind of secondary school, which I guess would be like your equivalent of high school, that people kind of started to notice and then bring it to my attention. And then that's when I kind of started to, you know, like analyze it and try to understand it because everyone else was trying to analyze me.

When you say bring it to your attention, like you had a lot of people said, how can I talk to my friends about this? So you had girlfriends that were like more sexually charged and you just weren't. people like talk. Like how did it come up, I guess is my question. Well, I mean,

I had this like ingenious idea when I was 11 that if I went to an old girl school and no one would care about like sex or romance because there wouldn't be any boys. And I did not realize that most girls in old girl schools feel deprived of boys in there. Right.

10 times like hornyer. Ornier. Ornier. They would be otherwise. And consequently, then became even more obvious that I like wasn't like as cut. I wasn't just constantly, like, craving myself over Edward Cullen or Jonas Brothers or whoever people were crushing on in 2008.

So, yeah, people would then be like, okay, like, let's come up with theories. Like, why isn't Yasmin doing this? Like, why isn't she talking about that? Or let's try and work it out. Let's try and, like, ask our questions pretty much give me, like, little tests all the time. And that's when I was kind of like, okay, I'm going to assume this is a big deal because people keep mentioning it to me. Okay. And when you say like a big deal, you know, you went from that sort of realizing that other people didn't feel the same way as you to being an activist for people who are asexual. So what did that look like?

Well, I mean, I was quite a big time span between 2008. I was like 12, 13. And the activism didn't start until I'd finish my master's degree. So I was 22. So that was quite a big borderline tenure. A difference there. But I know. I mean, it just came from. I've always been very aware that representation kind of has some impact on your daily life. I'm kind of used to not seeing myself represented, so it was never something I kind of internalized that much, but I was aware that everyone else was. And if they didn't see something and it wasn't portrayed as being something that exists or something that's normal, then they then project those ideas onto you.

And so I was like, at that point, I was already modeling and I already had a bit of a platform. So I thought I might as well use that to be the representation. I didn't have in the representation, a lot of asexual people, particularly black asexual people didn't have. And that's kind of where it came from, really. So can you just explain it to us, like, as a asexuality for dummies here? You know, we would just love you to kind of explain it away. Well, it just means experiencing little to no sexual attraction. So it's just, I always say it's like the sexual orientation that just isn't oriented anywhere. But it is just a sexual orientation. So it's nothing to do with your libido or your interests or your ability to feel arousal or anything like

that. It's literally just your sexual orientation just isn't oriented to anyone. So you still have a sexuality. It's just nothing to do with anyone else. Okay. For me, like when I hear about as sexuality and what people had asked us was, you know, I guess some people related to libido, right? So I've had different partners that I feel like I've been more sexually charged towards and I've had sex with them more often. I've had times in my life where I've been on certain birth controls that lower my libido, I would say, or heighten it. But this to you is like heterosexuality, homosexualities. It's not a swing scale. Correct? No, I mean, it doesn't really have anything to do with your libido. I mean, my pretty average for a 24-year-old. And people try to medicalize asexuality and give you a bunch of

pills out hiding your libido. Does this really mean it's going to be directed towards anyone you're just horny and you'll just satisfy that yourself. So it doesn't really have anything to do with libido. And there are people who, as you probably know, you could be straightened, have a low libido or a high libido and your sexual orientation is still. The same, you still know what it is. You still know what your sexual identity is, even if you're not that horny at the moment. And that tends to fluctuate. But I think sexual orientations tend to be kind of consistent, usually. Yeah, we're not, we're not, we're just like wanting more information. I mean, this is really like, it's not something that we've ever discussed before. Like I said, it's kind of like, sorry to put you with this position where you're

explaining it's like dumbing it down so much, but we really appreciate it. I mean, I think people overwhelmingly want to know, do you masturbate? I mean, are you, is it, are like orgasms an important thing? I guess that's what, but what is like you're obviously, like you said, normal libido, you get horny and then, but it's not directed to anybody. So it's kind of internalized, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how, I mean, I don't know what the, the frequency of how much everyone else do it compared to how often I would feel it to compare, but I'm intends to depend on, I don't know, how hormonal I am at the time, or how bored I am if I got some time to kill. But, yeah, but I think, I know, I feel like that's one of the fun things about being asexual is that your

sexuality is kind of independent and it's not dependent on anybody or dependent on your sexual attraction towards anyone. I know, I think that's quite fun. I think it's kind of empowering to have a sexuality that's independent of everybody else. So yeah, it is kind of more of a, I don't know, inward thing, I guess. Well, that's what we want to talk about. I think that's kind of the myth is that you just don't, you're not sexual at all. You want nothing to do with sex. You want nothing to do with orgasms. You want nothing to do with touching yourself. You know what I mean? So that's kind of what we wanted to dispel that myth that that's not the case. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely a pretty common assumption that is interesting because it's only one like, I don't know, and I'll talk to people

about it and they'll be like, oh yeah, like I have to like think about having sex with someone to masturbate and I'm like, oh, really? Really? Like, that would like totally kill it for me. That would be the worst idea ever. Like that would not help me. So it's, but then people intend to talk about that. So when you're kind of, I know, compare experiences where you're like, oh, so that's,

is that what other people do? Okay. Like that wouldn't, that wouldn't, that wouldn't work for me. And I think for a lot of asexual people have that. Like, I don't know, imagining yourself having sex with someone would not. be part of the equation. Very much kind of more of a, I don't know, sensation-based experience, I guess.

Okay. And yeah, we just like this, dispelling all these myths. You wrote a great article, dispelling this about as sexuality. And what it looks like. And one of the things I like that you talked about is that you are really sexy.

You're a model. You know, you're gorgeous. I was looking at your Instagram. I love your photos. And so one of the things you talked about was, you know, it doesn't mean that you don't want to feel sexy. because people look at you and they see a sexy person. So do you ever get that?

And can you speak on that a little bit? Yeah. I mean, for me, it isn't even really a case of, oh, I want to feel sexy. It's just like you just want to look. I feel like everyone wants to look good. I don't think anyone feels good when they look bad. Like, you never want to walk past a mirror and be like, oh, God. Today is not my day.

But I think that I know our society kind of sexualizes attractiveness. So if people see you making any effort, to look good, whether it's for you or whatever they think it's for someone else, they assume it's somehow they like to project, okay, this person, she wants to have sex with someone. That's why she's done her hair. That's why she's wearing makeup. That's why she's wearing a nice outfit. It's because she wants someone to be sexually attracted to her. Um, well, I'm just one of those people. Like, I just like to, I think, as a lot of people do, I have to express myself through clothes and I just like to wear things that I think look nice. And I've learned as a woman, you can't really

try and tailor your clothing or your style to not attract people. Because particularly men, they'll find, they'll find anything. They'll sexualize anything. So if I was to kind of be like, okay, well, people assume if you're a sexual, you're not sexually attracted to anybody, then you shouldn't let anyone be sexually attracted to you. Therefore, I'm going to wear a proleteck and I'll cover my hair and I'll wear baggy clothes or something. Like, there will be someone that will sexualize that anyway. So you might as well just wear what you want.

just express yourself however you want to. I love that you said that. I feel like the underlying theme was like it doesn't have to be for somebody, a man, whoever. Like I post like sexy thirst traps, whatever here and there. And I feel like people automatically are like, girl, who's this for? And I'm like, nobody. Literally nobody, I have no crush. I have nobody I'm talking to. Like there's nobody that I even am checking to see if they're watching my stories. Like, this is just for me. I'm just feeling myself and I'm putting it out there in the world. I can't stress it out there. It must be an ex. It must be. I'm like, it's not. It's just just for me. So we always want to give women permission to like always fill

yourself. It doesn't need to be that you're trying to like catch a man or catch a woman or whatever it may be. Yeah. It's such a stupid theory, right? I mean, I feel like the whole thing about our podcast is like live a life you're proud of and feel good about yourself. And like it's great to post a photo yourself and be like, I work out all the time and I feel dope or I don't work out ever and I feel dope. And there's no correlation between the two. Just because you want to look sexy doesn't mean you're trying to like sleep with a person. I mean, sometimes it can be, but it doesn't always have to be, you know. So can we talk about dating and asexuality? Yeah, I mean, I personally don't do it, but I definitely know about it. Okay, so let's talk about being asexual and being in the dating world.

So, you know, if you've met partners that were not asexual and how did you handle that, how did you talk about it? And maybe that would be like good advice to give it to other people for how to handle it. Well, I mean, personally, I'm a romantic as well, so I don't experience romantic attraction, which is nothing to do of being asexual. It's just happened to how it worked out. So I've, like, never dated ever. I've never, I've like never done it, never had a boyfriend, never done any of that,

which is not necessarily an asexual thing. There are a lot of bisexual people who still feel romantic attraction. The first asexual people I ever met were a married couple, like two guys who are married and they have both asexual. So I've definitely, I've always known that that's a thing. And there's definitely a lot of asexual people out there who manage to navigate relationships, whether it's with other asexual people or people who aren't asexual. But of course, it's going to come with some kind of unique challenges and conversations in my experience.

So aromantic and asexual don't have to, they can be separate. They don't have to go together. So a couple that is asexual, that is romantic, like they would just have a more of a companionship type relationship. It kind of depends. I mean, if it was too asexual people, in a relationship, then yeah, I guess statistically, it probably wouldn't be a particularly sexual relationship. I mean, I still like sexually believe I still like kissing, they're like cuddling and all that kind of stuff, but not so much the sexual part, but then for asexual

people that are in relationships with people who aren't asexual, that other partner might still want to have sex. And I've often heard asexual people say it's kind of like doing the dishes. It's like it's not like the first thing on your list. It's not something you have like a desire to do, but it's not like a big deal to do it. I mean, for some people, like, I wouldn't have sex. So for me, I'd be like, yeah, we're not doing that. But, you know, for some asexual people, it's not a big deal, especially if it's like a partner and it's someone you love.

And it's just a way to kind of express something to them or do something for them. And they might not hate it. They might enjoy the process, but not actually feel the desire to do it. Okay. So if you are an asexual person listening to this podcast and you're saying, I do want to have, I'm not, I'm not aromantic, I do want to have intimacy with other people. What kind of advice would you give to somebody like that in terms of when do I bring it up? How do I search for somebody?

Do you have advice for what you would say to that? I mean, I think I would definitely suggest mentioning the asexuality part pretty early in the process because that is, you know, that's part of your experience and that's something that's obviously going to come up. and it's probably better to kind of get that out of the way in the beginning and kind of just avoid any awkwardness later on. So I would encourage people. I would definitely suggest kind of being open about that. And there's definitely not something that's always a deal breaker because there are people that aren't asexual, but sex still isn't like a huge deal to them or they can live about it or it's not something they need every single day. So it's something that you could work around. I think, I know, I think a lot of asexual people, you're kind of taught that like it's

going to be hopeless and no one's going to want you and all that kind of stuff. But I've seen quite a lot of asexual people who are in happy relationships, asexual people who are married, asexual with kids. Like, you can definitely find that. And I've also noticed an increase in sexual people in polyamorous relationships, which tends to, if you're a polyamorous person, then that's like an option. So the other partner, if they aren't asexual, they could get the sex from that partner and get everything else from you. So there are lots of different ways you could make that work. I guess my biggest question of it being a spectrum,

you know, like, because I mean, there's a spectrum of sexuality, homosexuality, whatever it may be. And I say this asking more for somebody that may be listening that's wondering if they're asexual and like wondering about this, if there is this kind of scale or spectrum in that a person may be thinking, I'm just not that interested. I don't think,

I don't know if I'm fully as sexual, but sex doesn't seem as important to me as it does to other people. But, you know, maybe the right person could come along. and is there a scale? Is it that, you know, you personally are, you're asexual, you're aromantic, you're kind of on the far end, but there is more of a middle ground of asexuality? Yeah, I mean, it's definitely, it tends to describe it as being a spectrum or an umbrella.

I guess if you, if it wanted to be, you know, complicated by, it's probably more of like a, a, like a graph, or it might be kind of one dot here, one dot here, one dot here, one dot here. Because I guess people might look at me and think, okay, she's asexual, she's erromantic, she does enough sex. So she's on like the far end. But then I also like masturbate on the regular. I'm pretty horny person. So you probably wouldn't then. And then there might be some asexual people who never do that. But then they might still have sex on the regular because there were someone who's not asexual, whether they're that into it or not. So it's kind of it's kind of a, there are so many different ways to kind of have an asexual experience, so to speak, but it's definitely not

black and white. Like you can, we say like gray sexuality, if you do feel like you're not 100% asexual. Love there really is such a thing as 100% asexual, but I guess some people feel like they don't really want to say sexual. Like maybe they feel sexual attraction towards people sometimes, but like not very often. Then you might say gray sexual and then Demisexuality falls under the asexual umbrella because for a lot of demisexual people, their experiences are pretty much like asexual until they might by chance find someone who they have formed like a deep emotional connection with. And then there's a chance that they might then feel sexually attracted to that person,

but it would only occur in the kind of very specific circumstance. And then a lot of things kind of have to align for that. So it's definitely a spectrum. So there's kind of a lot of things that fall. under it. Some asexual people are like sex repulsed in the sense that they would like never, they would never have sex. Like even talking about sex, seeing it, they're like, ugh. Whereas I'm, I'd be perfectly happy to see it. But like, I wouldn't do it. So again, there's like a whole bunch of different kind of ways you can have an asexual experience. Sure. And just like any type of sexual,

I'm sure everybody has a totally different experience. So like if someone's listening to this and thinking like, okay, so maybe I am asexual, but I'd like to still develop. intimacy with another person. There is hope, right? There's hope to meet somebody and still touch and kiss and have a romantic interaction with somebody that doesn't involve sex, right? Yeah, I mean, definitely. There's a lot of different.

I think our society needs to expand as kind of understanding of what intimacy is. You could have physical or emotional intimacy. You could have a family. He can be married to someone you never have sex with. So there are like lots of different ways you can be intimate with somebody or have like a lifelong companionship, if very sexual, or very romantic as well. Like, it doesn't necessarily mean

you have to be, like, alone for the rest of your life. Listen, neither of my parents have sex with their partners. There's no question of that's, okay? I'm sure at one point they did, but I mean, let's be honest, sex goes away. Well, we have a friend that,

and she was married to a man and now she is engaged to a woman, but she's had sex. She had sex with her ex-husband. She has sex with her fiance, but she also could take it or leave it. I think that she could never have sex again and be totally fulfilled. And I think maybe that's probably what a lot of people feel.

Like, I want a partner. I want love of my life. I want to have intimacy or hold hands or, you know, cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. But I could literally never have sex again and be totally fine. And that just seems like something we've heard people say. And then they're starting to wonder, like, can I be asexual? You know, maybe I should explore that. Yeah, I think it's one of those things where you're just kind of taught,

that everyone feels the exact same way. And even though our conversations surrounding sexuality have definitely diversified in the past like 10 years, I still feel like there are a lot of nuances that people don't really go into. And I think nowadays in particular, we're kind of made to think that everyone is just having sex like funny for seven. Like everything seems pretty like hypersexualized. I think people my age, they always think like, oh God, like everyone's just constantly on these apps and everyone's soaking up.

But statistically, you can look at the statistics of my generation is having sex like the least. So it's not. I don't think as homosexuality is as uncommon as people think it is. I think a lot more people are at least kind of asexual more than you would expect. And I think that despite how hypersexualized our culture is increasingly getting more sexualized, I think that it's not unusual for there to be quite a few people that are like, you know what, it's actually not that deep to me. Yeah.

I love the idea that, I mean, there's a million ways to manufacture and to have intimacy. And I am a hypersexual person. I like to have a lot of sex. But I do think that that goes away. relationships sometimes and it does dissipate. You're not having sex twice a day every day. And I love things like holding hands, cuddling, feeling like I can talk to somebody when I'm having a problem, feeling like I'm having a bad day and that's my person I go to. I love cooking dinner and drinking wine in the kitchen and dancing and things like that. And there's a million ways to have intimacy

other than just sex. And so I like the idea that this gives hope to people that are like, I'm not super sexual. But yeah, absolutely you can have these deep intimate relationships with somebody. Yeah, I mean, it's like you can have intimacy about sex and you can have sex about intimacy. Like, it works the same way. Like, you could have a sexual relationship that's not intimate in the slightest and you can have a romantic relationship that's like totally intimate and has no sex in it. Like they both of those things make perfect sense. I have to validate what you said about the feels like everybody's having sex, but they're not. I was listening to an episode of the Daily New York Times podcast last week and like teenagers and like young 20s are not having as much sex as they used to.

like even prior to and outside of COVID, not bringing COVID into the equation, obviously that made a difference too, but not just because of that. So it is the internet and apps that make it seem like everybody's, because everybody's just out here like, they're strapping and being sexy, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're like jumping into bed with somebody.

Yeah, I think it's also, I think it's just like, I know, like, I mean, I tend to listen to heavy metal. So I do tend to follow what's going on in like pop music very much. But when I compare like the kind of stuff that I, that was like out in like the 2000s and then I like, listen to stuff now. I'd be like, this is like, I would love to just find a song that isn't literally just about having a hookup. Like, like, the, it's like, the things are a lot more like sexually

explicit. And I think if I was in a club and these are all the songs that were playing, I'd be like, okay, I feel like they're trying to lead you to for your night to go in a very particular direction. So I feel like that's just like, kind of a lot of things. Even if you see like shows aimed at teenagers nowadays, sex is kind of like a focus for it. So I feel like a lot of those things, it just kind of makes you feel like this is how everyone is, is this is how you're supposed to be. And even though we're saying, yeah, you could now, you could do it with a guy, you could do it with a girl, you could do it with free girls at the same time. But they're still not nearly talking about like the kind of nuances or the difference between like desire and libido and

how like attractions don't always line up in the same way. We're not really getting into those kind of conversations yet. In your life and your personal life, are you like a social person or do you choose to keep more to yourself? Yeah, I mean, I definitely value platonic relationships. I'd say, I don't know. What's the word for when you're kind of an introvert, kind of an extrovert? It can kind of like, I could like live without being around groups of people for a while. I would not do good if I had like a bunch of like roommates or something. I feel like that would kind of tire me out after a while. But then when I have the opportunity to socialize like the second we're allowed in group settings again,

the second prize startup, I'm going to be all over it until they kick me out. Like I'm that person. When the opportunity arises, I will be eating all the free food, drinking all the free drinks, that'll be the last to leave. but then I might not, but then I probably won't need to see anybody for another two weeks. So like that's kind of my, I'm more like that kind of person. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just an extrovert and introvert, you know? You do well in social situations.

I'm a little bit like that. Ashley was says it like surprises people about me because I will, I'll go out, I'll socialize, I have tons of friends, but I really recharge by being alone. And after like a long trip, I really do like to be alone for like one or two days. And I think that's probably pretty normal. Not everybody wants to do that, but I do. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I'm an only child as well. So that probably adds to it too.

I'm definitely quite good at like entertaining myself and being fine and like my own, my own company. I never grew up used to having like loads of people around all the time. So that probably makes a difference. Well, I would love to talk about sort of the other side of the coin. Like we talked about being sexual and talking to your partner about what you want and how to develop intimacy. But the other side of the coin is if somebody's like, I'm falling for something. somebody who's asexual and I want to have a sexual relationship, but they don't. And you talked about polygamy a little bit, but I'm curious like what you would say to somebody that's like, I'm with

somebody that doesn't really want to sleep with me, but I love that person. I want to be with them. And as Ashley mentioned, we have a friend that's exactly in that type of relationship and they seem really happy and in love. So what would you say to somebody? Like, how would you want to be talked to in those situations or how do you hear people say they want to be talked to? I mean, I definitely have the experience, I think, of people, like, wanting to, like, date me and stuff. And I kind of had to be like, yeah, I'm not, you're barking up the wrong tree there and it wouldn't go the way you expect it. But I think if there was a case where it was like, I think, I mean, it kind of depends on if you kind of, if you already have, like, a developed relationship with the person or wherever you're just kind of starting that relationship. But I think that either way, you're just going to have to be understanding. I feel like it would be definitely good to just kind of educate yourself on what a sexuality is and gain a good understanding for what their like boundaries are or what they are okay with or if they're not okay with because being a sexual doesn't necessarily mean that you cannot have sex

or that you would never ever have sex with that person but in some cases it might mean that and then I guess you just kind of have to look at yourself and be like is that something like I can adjust to is there something that I'm going to end up like resenting them for further down the line or if it's something that maybe we might have like more of an open relationship and they might be okay with that. But like I think as long as everyone's just very honest about it and honest about their expectations and at least has a good awareness of what they feel like they'll need in a relationship, then it should be okay. You also don't have a situation where you feel like, you make them feel like it's something they have to do to keep you around. That's also kind of a risk.

So you just have to kind of, yeah, it's kind of be open and communicating really. Yeah. Okay, I have a question for you. This feels personal, but you don't have answer it if you don't feel comfortable. But you have a sex drive, you masturbate, like what turns you on or what do you, do you fantasize? I can sit here all day and tell you this stuff that turns me on mentally that makes me on masturbate, but you're not interested in sex. So what does fantasizing turn ons look like for you?

I mean, sometimes it doesn't really need anything. Right. It should just be your body. I feel like I have time to kill or my hormones are up today. But I find that, I know, it's kind of like sometimes it can be helpful to kind of see something or read something or have something that would just kind of like make you think of. I don't know, pleasure, I guess. Because I know, it's kind of like if I'm going to work out, sometimes if I'm like on YouTube and I watch like athletic related stuff or like see or from Instagram and I'm scrolling through and I see a bunch of like. like super fit people like doing process like,

yeah, I should probably like, I'm now feeling a bit more like in that head space. So sometimes it does help if you, if you have some kind of a stimuli, but definitely not thinking about anything happening to me as an individual would definitely not help. But sometimes it can be helpful just to have something that just makes you

think of the orgasm, I guess. Because then you're like, okay, I'm in the, I'm in the mindset. But sometimes you don't need anything. It can just kind of depend. Yeah.

I was just wondering. I mean, if it's like, if you're, this is like so personal, but if you're masturbating, like, is there something going through your head? Or is it just kind of like how it feels in your body? And that's it. Because the end goal is always the focus really. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I've had both types of masturbation. Sometimes I like to, I mean, I really like to use past experiences personally. But I kind of like it sometimes when you wake up and you're just horny and you're like, this is literally just about me and the goal. And it's nice. You don't have to think about anything. It's just you think about how your body feels. Yeah. Well, some people, that I want to talk about, something that you talked about in your TED talk was about representations in media of asexuality. And we touched on a little bit, but I love that you talked about how women that are as sexual in media and in pop culture specifically are represented a lot as being like frigid or not nice or unkind. And I think that's such a great thing that you brought light to. And if you want to talk about it a little bit, I thought that was super interesting. Yeah. I mean, for women, it tends to either be.

because sometimes there's instances where they'll actually say this is an asexual person, which is kind of like a rarer instance, or there are the times where you can kind of like, they're kind of written that way, but they're not actually going to put like a label to it, but it's still kind of part of their narrative. And I think usually for as sexuality in general, especially being aromantic as well, is kind of seen as being like a manifestation of you having less emotions or like less interest in any kind of intimacy. And therefore you're probably more like cold-hearted.

And like it just tends to kind of. play into that or you're just supposed to be very like shy and timid and uncomfortable with yourself and they tend to, like they kind of, for women, you tend to be kind of just betrayed. It's kind of just like a very kind of like homely like kind of inoffensive like young white girl next door vibe or someone who is really just uptight and disconnected who needs to kind of have their sexuality like unlocked by the end of the story so they can become. come like a problem. Right. Like we'll fix, we'll fix you. Right. And just because you don't want to have sex three times a day with your partner, it doesn't mean that you're frigid or unkind.

I love that you brought that up and we're talking about it because it occurred to me as you were talking about it, that that is how it's portrayed. And not everybody's jumping into bed every second. Yeah. I was speaking to someone and they went, oh, I was watching this thing and there was a character who they said was as a sexual. And I was like, oh, cool. Was she nice? Now, like, actually no. And I was like, oh, no, she's actually kind of evil. I was. I was. I was like, oh, no, she's actually kind of evil. I was like, yeah, I thought so. Yeah, of course it was going to kind of go that way. It is a bit of a cliche and for male characters as well. You're kind of, you're either like a, like a Sheldon Cooper or you're the Voldemort and there's not really that much of a in between.

Well, there needs to be more representation. I mean, we talk about this all the time. Rain and I always look to these. There's so many teen shows and teen movies and we feel like because those are going to be more influential to the younger generation. And they are so much more inclusive than they used to be. And you just obviously see every race, most LGBT. like LGBTQIA, but not a, like not asexual as much. I can't think of an asexual character in a show or a movie to speak of, which feels wrong. It feels like there should be.

Yeah, I mean, there's definitely only a handful. I think it also just comes down to like the way, particularly like Western media. Our narratives are very sex and relationship driven. Like think of how many movies can you name that don't have that as being like a central it's a horror movie you're still going to get. I mean, even watching like the Halloween movie, the girl had to have some kind of little romantic storyline going on the background, which added nothing to the plot, but there had to be a boyfriend.

And it's like, it's just kind of like an essential thing. And when I spoke into people like kind of in the media, they're like, well, why would I include an asexual person? It just wouldn't do anything. Like, what's the point? Can we not start with them being like the best friend? Like, can we start somewhere? Like, it doesn't have to be the main character who you want to have like a love story. But like, you know, people want to see why do they, why does it have to be a love story? Right. When they're like, when they don't do anything, it's like,

do people just do nothing? Right. Like, I feel like there are other life experiences that people have. Right. Can they get like sick promotion? Can they like adopt a pet? I mean, there's so many other things that you do in your life besides fall in love and have sex. I'm not doing either right now. My life's great. Yeah. There's a lot more. Yeah. All the narratives kind of have to be like

centered around that. And that's like, even in the kind of stuff that's like aimed at people. my age, like I couldn't even get into shows like sex education or, or euphoria or any of those because I'm like, the sexuality part is always treated as being something that's so central to who the person is and to every part of their experience. And the narrative that this is like, this is the entreeing, like, this is like at the top of your list of traits as who you are. Then it's kind of like, well, if you don't even have anything like that experience, I don't find it that enjoy. able to watch. So it's a sex education should have done that now that I think about it. I love that show.

They actually did. They did it for like four minutes in season two. If you look real close. Okay. It was a special character for a good four minutes in the second season. She was ginger. Yep. Okay. Real close. So for five for five seconds. Yeah. Don't get it. Like don't get a drink or anything. But if you watch in one of the episode. Yeah. Yeah. She was in there for a little bit. So we did have that, I guess. But they should have had a whole episode like now that I'm thinking about it. Like, why not? That. everybody else is having sex, why couldn't that have been one of the, okay, now we're just going down a path of like, I think it's important because I think that there's so many people, whether you

identify as asexual or having a low libido, I think there's plenty of people to watch TV and think, I don't feel like this. I don't wake up every morning next to my hard boyfriend and want to dive right in. And if I'm a man, you know, everybody just expects me to be sexually driven every second, want to fuck every person. And I think that like we need to like normalize that like, this is really not how everybody feels. We've had men that told us that this is not how they feel. Not every person wants a whole relationship based around sex all the time. There's a hundred other things that are important in a relationship and in life. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I think is, it's unfortunate that everything is kind of like framed that way. And I think that it's not just to like the kind of

pressures and alienation that asexual people experience, but I think everyone can probably feel a bit better knowing that like none of these things are essential. And I think that like we're just kind of increasingly taught that you barely have to feel you have to experience sexuality in a very specific way, wherever it starts towards men or women or whatever, but you still have to kind of experience it in a very specific way or you're not up to some kind of weird standard. Are you on TikTok? I dabbled in it. I couldn't get into it. I was like Instagram on Twitter or too much for me, let alone a TikTok too. I was just, I feel like TikTok is so inclusive and there's like everything under the sun. There's like a TikTok whole of it. I'm wondering if asexuality

There is definitely an asexual TikTok. I have seen it. I'm just going to leave this to the kids. I say that like I'm 40 years old. I'm going to leave that to the kids. It's like I'll stick to my Instagram, Twitter, and all the other things. But there's definitely an asexual TikTok. Yeah, I just, I think that they, I just like TikTok for that.

You can get, you can find everything. You can find medical advice, accounting advice. You can find like anything that you can relate to. So I was just, was just curious. I tend to just just. follow when people like repost cute TikTok videos about animals and like dogs and stuff on Instagram. I tend

to follow those. That's more my, that's more my areas. Yeah. Corgi's doing something. Oh, girl, say no more. If you look at my Instagram followers, just start like if you go to my follows and you start typing in like C-O-R, you'll see like, I don't know, I follow like 60

corgi accounts. It's not okay. I get it. They look like loaves of bread with legs so I get it. It's the booty for me. Well, we are going to shift gears a little bit and ask you, if you don't mind, sharing your story of coming out, of telling friends and family when that happened in your journey and how that went for you. Yeah.

So I've always said that like coming out as as asexual is kind of a different experience, just because if you were to come out as gay, the chances are that people would know what gay means and understand what you're talking about, whereas when you tell people you're asexual, they probably won't know what it means, but they'll probably still have the instinct to try and explain it back to you. So for me, it was quite a long-winded process, like a 10-year process from the time I kind of started suspecting I was asexual, and then it had the language to describe it when I was like 15. And then by the time people actually started believing me when I told him, it was like 2019.

So it was quite a long time span. And I think that the main thing that actually kind of convinced people that it was actually a thing was when it was in the newspaper. When I was already doing my activism and it was kind of like in the British press and stuff. And then people were like, oh, you just came out. Like this must be a thing because we're really getting the paper. And I was like, yeah, I also told you about it five years ago. And you and like continuously since then you just didn't buy it. in a newspaper, we're going to believe it? Okay. So I feel like if I had to give anyone a tip,

not to say you need to get it in the newspaper, but I think if you show people some kind of resource, I know whether it's like a video or a documentary or an article you like or anything that looks kind of official or legit, then they're more likely to believe that you're describing something that's actually like a phenomenon instead of just some random thing you heard on the internet and decided to adopt because you're, I don't know, an ex-de-millennial who wants a label. So I find it, I think that it's probably helpful to show people some kind of resource if you're trying to come out to them. Sadly, people are more likely to believe something they read from an extraneous source than they are to believe you talking about your own experiences.

If it's not something they can empathize with. Yeah. And thank you for sharing that. We always say, you know, it's important to share resources. Not everybody's going to understand something the first time. and you can share something to not believe it must be a really painful experience to be sort of brushed off as like this is a phase or you'll get through this. Because I don't think people, you know, when you say you're heterosexual, nobody brushes it off as a phase. So I love the idea of providing some documentation because I feel like, you know, not everybody understands something the very first time, but you can move the needle with somebody that's willing to learn.

Yeah, it's weird because I don't even think it's entirely like, oh, we just want more information. It's just that if that information isn't coming from you, it's more believable because I don't know why, but people just, think that you don't understand yourself if you're telling them something that they don't understand. They think, well, you probably don't get it either. You're being misled. You just heard about this on Tumblr. You're probably just getting sucked into some kind of, I don't know, identity wormhole and just taking things too far. But when they see that like, actually, this is something that's existed for a long time, asexuality isn't new, this is actually an orientation. Lots of people have it. And they're like, oh, okay. So this is just like being gay or being by or

whatever and it's not just you making something up because you want to feel special or because you feel like you need a label for some reason, which tends to be the assumption that people come to, especially if you're young and you're trying to tell them that. Did you have to try to work through it with anybody that was really in your close inner circle? I mean, I didn't really have to explain it to my mom because I never acted like I wasn't asexual. So we didn't really need to have much of a conversation about it. I feel like it probably would have been weirder if at like, 20, years old, I came home and said, hey, this is my boyfriend. My mom will probably be like, what? Really? I'm glad you had such a supportive, you know, network around you. And a lot of

our listeners said, you know, how do I support a friend that tells me a very sexual? And it just sounds like, you're like, you know, read an article and talk to me. I'm a person. I'll explain this to you. And I, you know, I think that people are like, can I talk to you about sex? It's like, yeah, I'm a person. Yeah, just like, well, for a start, it's just helpful to believe them and to not assume that you know more about their experience than they do, which even for the most understanding of people, somehow they'll very quickly jump to the, oh, no, you're not, it's this, it's that.

And they think that asexual is like an insult and that you're kind of, I know, downgrading yourself by saying you're asexual. It's like, oh, no, don't do that to yourself. Don't put yourself down. You're a nice person. You're not asexual. You'll find someone. And they kind of act like very sympathetic and kind of like pity you.

even if it's coming from like a caring place, their instinct is, oh no, this person I care about is like, I don't know, restricting themselves this sad existence. And they think it's helpful to try and debunk it for you. Like you need to be reassured about it.

So I would just, I think it's helpful just to not only just believe them, not only to kind of educate yourself. So they don't have to give a continuous TED talk every time the topic of sex or relationships comes up. But also to just like try not to kind of impose the, the kind of stereotypes that our society teaches us to associate with people that don't experience sexual attraction or aren't very interested in sex and kind of don't be like it doesn't require

sympathy. It just requires like kind of like basic understanding and empathy and then you could just continue like normal people and they can feel comfortable confiding in you about things that happen in their lives which is a lot of things you I can skillfully dance around the subject but it is effort to continuously dance around the subject just so you don't have to have an awkward conversation. Yeah, and ultimately validation. Like when someone, if you tell somebody that you are asexual or anything about yourself and they just try to convince you otherwise, they're not validating you.

So, I mean, ultimately that's what you would want. I feel like a good response is always just like, okay, so what does that mean for you? It's just kind of like a simple way to kind of learn about it instead of having a reaction that inherently tells the other person, like, this is what I really think about it. I see this as being an unfortunate thing. I don't understand what it is. I already have a negative idea. And I'm immediately letting you know that by saying, no, don't say that.

You're great. I didn't say I wasn't say I was asexual. It's not the same thing. Yeah, I didn't say it was a bad person. Yeah, totally. Just like, oh, okay, tell me more. Yeah. Well, is there anything else in terms of, you know, what people message you about and people

say like, maybe I'm asexual and this is not feeling? Is there anything that you see coming up a lot? people message you about pretty frequently. And if there's a couple things, we'll get into them. But is there anything that you see is like a theme overall of getting messages about? I mean, I think it's usually it's kind of people being like, oh, I don't know. Like, I don't know if I want to use this word. I don't want to use this label or this one.

And there's like, and then there's micro labels. And I'm always just saying, like, don't get so hung up on like the semantics of things. Like if you find a label is helpful to use to make your life easier or find people with similar experiences to you, then use it. but if you don't, then just don't, I think. I think there's definitely a pressure nowadays to make sure that you've got like everything has like a very specific label and you can kind of fall into like this specific box. I'm like, that's also kind of against the point.

Like no one entirely falls into any box 100%. So I always tell, so whatever, I tend to get that a lot. I always tell people, I just don't get hung up on that. Just find the information that makes you feel better. Use the tools. And if you don't find it to be a helpful tool, I don't worry too much about like the semantics of whatever you're asexual. demisexual, gray sexual,

homer romantic, like, whatever. Oh my God, there's so many words. There's a lot of words, and that's just the top surface. There's like a lot of words, and it's like, I don't feel like you need to worry someone, like worry more about your actual experiences and how it's helping you to navigate life and less about like semantics.

It's something that tends to come up quite a bit for me. I think that's probably really calming to a lot of people. And I mean, what I can relate to it is that there was a time in my life where I was attracted to women. I slept with women. I watched strictly lesbian porn. I'm glad I never thought to myself,

what do I have to label this? It's just, that's what I enjoyed, and I did what I enjoyed until I stopped enjoying it, you know? And also just following people that speak to you, like seeking that out. You know, I think like we always say, like social media, for example, you control what you're consuming. You know, if you don't love to be surrounded by sex content,

then don't follow all the sex content, you know, follow people that are speaking your language that you can relate to somebody like you. and I'm sure there are others. It's like, sometimes people will ask me like, well, how do you like manage in our culture when there's like sexual stuff around? It's like, well, I just don't watch it.

It's like you couldn't just like, you really can as possible to avoid. Like I just won't listen to that Megynastalian song. I just won't watch that movie. Like you can, I won't read that book. Like it is kind of possible to kind of just tailor things to yourself nowadays and kind of dodge things that make you feel kind of an easy. Although it might mean you can't get involved in all the conversations.

and you might not understand some of the memes, but it is kind of possible, I think. Like, my social media is, it's either fellow models or it's pugs and corgis and corgis. And that's kind of, that's kind of what my, like, my feet is. Do you have a dog? I don't. Because I'm always feel like, what if I get one and then, like, with like my work and stuff, it's like, what if I then have to go somewhere else and then I'm not with the dog 24-7? I feel horrible.

I would want to, I would want it to be with me all the same. time. Just get like a small corgi. Just bring it with you everywhere. You can fly with it. I see this video. But I do. I'm definitely a dog person. Most of my Instagram saves is just like pugs. Any kind of weird-looking dog.

Because that's Raina's favorite dog is a pug. And I love a corgi. I want two of them on a black one and a tan one. It's my dream. I dated somebody who had them. It's really the best part of our relationship. I miss his dogs every day. I just don't miss him. do you know other good resources besides yourself and your resources? Do you, are there places people can turn if they're like,

they have a lot of questions and they want to know more? Yeah, I mean, there's the asexual visibility to education network, Avan, which is Asexuality.org. A lot of people end up in that forum trying to work out like, oh, I have this experience, I have this experience. Is this Asexuality? And people, you can't really have someone specifically tell you're asexual. like yes or no.

But you can probably find out more about other people's experiences and see how much you can relate. But again, there's such a range of experiences or there's a lot of people on Twitter, although Twitter is a bit of acessful, but hiddenness in general. But if you want to take the versus there, there's Reddit. I know there's a big asexual community on Reddit or there are quite a few like Instagrams or again, even the asexual TikTok whole, you could probably find some stuff there.

So there's definitely a lot of resources. Stonewall has some. The Trevor Project has some. Glad with two A's. They have some. So definitely quite a few places. Well, I feel like that covers it. We really appreciate you taking the time and chatting with us. Yeah. Thank you for your openness and your vulnerability and your honesty. I'm sure that people, like you said, a lot of people are thinking themselves like, am I asexual? I don't know what that looks like. So tell people where they can find you because there's so many resources that you have through your Instagram and articles. So tell people where they can find you in your work and your activism?

Yeah, so most of my social media is at the Yassman-Bem-W-M-A-A-S-M-A-N-B-N-O-I-T. My Instagram and Twitter are verified. So those ones are both definitely me, and Yassermbenwa.coma.coma-u-K. I drop a lot of it. So my articles and stuff I've written around there. And yeah, that's where you can find me for your dosage of activism or articles or news or some modeling if you want to see some cute lingerie shops. you can also find that too.

I love it. I love it. And look out for Yasmin's corgi coming soon. I'm manifesting. No, we really appreciate it. Fuzzy, budded corgi maybe in the future and a little flat face pug. Exactly.

One of each. I love it. Well, thank you, Yasmin. We really appreciate you taking the time and we can't wait for everybody to hear this episode. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. It's been very fun. Thanks. Bye. Bye. And you guys know where to find us. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com. Girls Gottoe podcast on Instagram. I am Ash Hess on Instagram. Raina is Rayna.org. Grings underscore got to eat on Twitter and YouTube.com slash

Girls Got to Eat. And we'll see you next week. That's it. Thanks, guys. Bye.