Girls Gotta Eat - Fight Smarter, Not Harder

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

This is our Fight Song (episode) and we're talking about how to manage conflict in relationships, from minor triggers with someone you just started dating to big blowouts with your long-term partner. We cover how to rein in passive aggression and assumptions, keys to healthier discussions, approaches for confrontation, alcohol as a factor, being proactive to avoid future fights, and more. We also discuss the Stages of the Pandemic people are going through (why is everyone naked??), give our long-awaited review of He's Just Not That Into You, AND bring back Psycho or Power Move. We hope you enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg, and Ashley @AshHess. Check our website for tour dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Nutrafol: Get 20% off at nutrafol.com with code GGE. Daily Harvest: Get $25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com, code GGE. Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're just trying to teach you how to manipulate people, guys. Like, we wrap this in a nice little package, but we're just trying to help you to get the gifts that you want to get. We want you to win the fight. Girls, come on. You're on your side. You're right. He's wrong.

Back to another episode of Girls Got to eat. Pandemic. Week five. I'm going to make you stop naming them. What did you make me stop naming them after week six? That's it. Next week is your last week. No, I swear we went to like 10.

10. I don't go back and look. Don't DM us. It just felt like that to you. I think it was six. All right. Yeah. Also,

we haven't told me about the weather yet. It's actually kind of nice out today. How could we forget? Are you guys okay? Do you guys know what the weather's like? We're not allowed to experience it anyway. I got to tell you, I went up town yesterday. I take some photos and somebody commented on my Instagram.

You are not a photographer. You give dating advice. Stay inside. And I was like, I didn't know we could only do one thing. You can't. You're one dimensional. You're not a multi-dimensional human being.

You're not allowed to do people that play sports. They can't talk about politics. People that work in entertainment, stay in your lane. The only person that's allowed to cross over is our president who was a reality show star and is now the president. Also, the people that say that, do they not realize that the president was a reality show person? Stay in your lane. That's my favorite. Why are we going on the show?

We haven't even done the... Let's get into it after. No, also, I just need to say that just because I'm dating you guys does not as mean that I'm not allowed to take walks, okay? I'm safe and I can fucking walk, okay? Don't tell me where I can walk. All right, let's insane. No, but I'm glad you brought that up

because there is nothing that enrages me more than people saying, like, stay in your lane. It's so bizarre. But I mean, it's the same thing can be said for any, for our show. It's like if we do an episode about sex and how to have like, great but sex, then are we not allowed to talk about serious topics, like losing your partner? It's like, you got to stay in your porn lane or something. It's so fucking stupid. And like, people aren't multi-dimensional. Get out of here. Well, and it's also like, we're a democracy.

So like, oh, stay in your lane. You can't care about politics. We're all supposed to care. Like, you know what? It's so crazy. It's like, well, then stay in your lane, Jeff, who works at Best Buy. You know what I mean? Like, then you can't talk about anything at any time other than work in the cashier desk and electronics, which is fine. Be good at that. But like, who made the rule that because like I do something for work, I can't have a hobby? They're like, you talk about dating so you're not allowed to use a camera. Like, what happened to you in your life?

Who told you this that you went to attack a stranger on the internet about this? All right. Do we have any announcements? Live shows. So we let you guys know we are moving the May dates. It will be to the fall. we do not have the exact dates for you. Like all of our live shows, you are welcome to transfer the tickets.

You should have gotten emails about that. If you have questions or you don't want the tickets transferred, please just contact the venue. We are working very hard to make sure that you guys get every single thing that you need. Yeah. And some of this stuff just needs to be like a patient's waiting game. I mean, these things are months in advance. The first rescheduled show we have isn't even until September. So like urgent, like DMs, what's going on?

It's like, I'm sorry, we can't, we can't prioritize those because we don't know and everybody, everybody just relax. Yeah, it sucks. We get regular updates and things are shifting and, I mean, you guys watch the news, like the governor of California is saying that they probably won't have any large events, sporting events, concerts until 2021. So we hope that's not the case with us, but like it's bad and we are trying our best and trying to stay sane and stay upbeat given the situation. that's happening with like half of our business. You know, we're working on it. Every performer in the United States and around the world is working on it. And all these venues are working on it as well.

So be patient with them. Also, we are all just trying to get by and make sure you guys get what you need. So that's it. Yeah. Yeah, we still have merch. We're working on some new merch for you guys and some fun stuff. So check that out at GirlsGuttypodcast.com. And that's really all we have in terms of announcements.

I wear crocs now. I can't believe. Ashley told me this like on a group call yesterday. So like she, like there was other people around so I wouldn't like get mad. I've been waiting to bring this. I post on my Instagram story. You do.

It's so embarrassing for us. But you hadn't come in front of me yet. I hadn't brought it up. I mean, you live on a farm. I don't know what else you're supposed to do. It's not like I look so hot every day. I've been wearing,

I've been wearing slippers in public. Well, so that's the thing is that I was wearing like, um, slippers with the, just to go out and do something. stuff. Like, you know what it's like to be here. You're always in and out going back and forth. You just have to go outside with the dogs or whatever. So I just needed a good slip on shoe. And I always knew

that Crocs were the answer. I just, that's what they're made for. You know, they're to slip on, go outside. They're waterproof, weatherproof. I mean, they have holes in them, you know, whatever. But they're like a rubber shoe. I don't have to tell you guys what they're familiar. But I, once I was like, I'm going to be here for a while, I was like, it is the shoe I need. So I ordered a pair. And yeah, you know what guys? Sometimes I'm wearing my socks. Sometimes I do. Ashley is, Ashley has become Mario Vitale. Okay, we're going to go the stages of this quarantine week five. What has happened to everybody in this nation? Week five, Ashley wears Crocs and socks. Bitch, don't forget. I, I love them so much. Also, I am familiar with Crocs because I, first of all, restaurant industry, Rainey, you know, like they are one of the

best no-slip shoes that you wear in and around the kitchen. I was front of the house, okay? I wore, I wore, I wore heels in the dining room every day. I don't rock. Bitch, I know that. I met you're familiar. Your coworkers were in crocs. I know they were. But even like I dated someone that he was a bartender.

I mean, you really got to wear no slip shoe behind the bar. And I mean, you fucked a dude in Crocs. Yeah. We went to the crox store in Atlanta Lenox Mall. And we went to the Crocs outlet down here in Rojobeath Beach. You had a crock themed day. And then you fucked a guy in Crocs. He didn't keep his crocs on.

But I would. I would. He was wearing crocs and I was wearing socks and that is not how I like it. Be honest, you and your family, like, now like when you guys have nothing, do you have like crockoffs? Do you like take walks and see like who rocks the crocs better? My mom has a pair. We're going to do a photo shoot. You are with the dogs too and your crops?

I don't know. I mean, here's the thing. Like, no, I don't think they're cute or fashionable, but they are functional. And we're not leaving the house. Everything we're putting on our bodies at this point is functional. We're comfortable. I'm making fun of you. It's Thursday.

I haven't showered since Friday last week. I don't even want to know what's in your butthole. I don't even want to know how rank and stank your beathole is right now. I smell great, okay? I always smell good. You always say you've never smelled my body. I smelled your breath, but not your body. One time, one time you smelled my breath.

You know what I got mad. I was thinking about that walking across the street the other day. And one time I smelled your breath too. And I didn't even tell you it. It's not been just one time. I don't tell you every time because I'm not an asshole. There was one day we had a bunch of conference called together and we sat next to each other on the couch and I was like, oh.

I was like, did you use that water pick this morning? Okay, I don't tell you either all the time. And I spend every waking moment with you and sometimes people's breast smells, okay? I know. You know what I've been thinking is like, I don't know that I can be quarantined with somebody. I was talking about to this guy about like going out to stay with him in Florida. And like I don't, I started thinking like I would go, but I don't understand how couples are quarantined together seven days a week in one apartment with one bathroom. And now you know exactly how much somebody shits all day, every day.

And for me, it's like three times and then you still got to like date that person. And that is the scares me the most about being quarantined with another person. Yeah. And that's, again, that's specific to people that live in apartments. I mean, you know, I, my friends in Atlanta that have big. homes, you know, they're adults within their 30s, 40s with big homes. They don't have this problem. I mean, Kate and Jay, Jay has his own shit bathroom, you know?

Like, it's like, so the couples that are in homes and they have their separate bathrooms and their whole thing, like, are the lucky ones here. But these couples in apartments, like, God bless you guys. Our thoughts and prayers are with you every moment of the day. I think about you guys every day. Every time I take a shit, I think about all of our listeners because if somebody had to hear, smell, and even just understand how many times I take a shit in a day, Like, I don't think we would be together anymore.

Like, it just kills the road. I got to get up every morning, go run to take a shit. And what? You're going to fuck me? Not in this apartment. I mean, I don't, I just don't think I would live with somebody with one bathroom. I just don't think I will. I just don't think I will.

I don't see it in my future. I'm a grown adult. I'm in my 30s. I don't foresee a situation in which I'm going to move in with a significant other in a one bathroom apartment. I also probably wouldn't even live in a one bedroom. I mean, I just, I need more space. You know, we record out of the apartment.

like if I'm going to be with a partner that we're going to move in together, we're just going to need more space. It depends on the layout of the apartment. I had an apartment where the bedroom was in the back of the apartment, then the living room, then the kitchen, then the bathroom, like more of a railroad style. I can maybe do that. I don't know why we're talking about this. It doesn't matter. I don't live with anybody. But yeah, I feel for you guys having to do this.

I think about you every day. Like if I had the choice, two bedroom one bath or two bathroom one bed, really? One two bathroom, one bed. I don't think that's the thing that exists. Maybe one and a half. I'm just saying like, it's a relationship saver separate toilets. I poop a lot. I would need it.

Okay. It would save my relationship. Yeah, because like I've been in the situation too. I mean, you and I've lived with people like where you need to get in there to get ready to do your makeup and like their stench is lingering and I'm pissed. I feel the anger rise up, which spoiler alert, guys were talking about anger and fights in conflict today. So you know that I don't even like to be in a bathroom after somebody showers.

I don't like to like touch a wet floor from somebody's body. I definitely do not want to breathe in the taste of your duke. That's what I'm saying. Where are our one bed, two bath apartments? I'm about to start a real estate company and design this. That's what you're going to call it, one bed too bad. One bed too bad. Relationship saver.

Okay. We were starting to talk about the stages of the pandemic. So I love talking about this in the stages. Like I like tweeting stuff. Like we've reached the blank portion of the pandemic. And we're going to go through some of them. Okay. For me, week one, a lot of TikTok, a lot of people that were like actually pretty positive about this.

They were like, I'm going to take this time. I'm going to take a master class. I'm going to really like lean in. Even me and you, we're like going to get a bunch of stuff done, which we have. We've been amazing. So to me, that's beginning day one of the panaceous. They're excited. They're going to cook. They're going to like do TikTok, do masterclass. Yeah. Also during the beginning where a lot of exes coming back in the mix, we did our episode.

Like that's, the guys got a little frantic and they tried to get back in kind of early. So we saw a lot of like, I'm sorry, I miss you. We talked about this a few weeks ago. Just the exes crawled back in pretty early. They're not as much now. Like they, if they wanted to shoot their shot, they have done it for the most part. So they shot their shot week one, week two. Also, also, So, by the way, I just want to say that all the men like snuck in at the very beginning to try to like quarantine with you. And that is the first time a man has ever planned ahead for anything. So, yeah, a lot of that. In the mix, also during this time was a lot of baking banana bread.

Like there was a lot. We saw it in the submissions we did with you guys. So there was a lot. We feel like, I feel like there was a clear banana bread phase. Just banana bread though. First couple weeks. We are going to talk about what happened. after that. But banana bread had its moment. Yeah, there was such a funny TikTok I sent you about

she's like, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then I feel like I noticed this heavy on Easter and heavy that week leading up to it. So this is week three-ish was all the girlfriends and women partners having to cut their male partner's hair. And I mean, Francis said to me, did you see his? Like he, I saw his girlfriend cutting it and then he showed me like the after. He might even post it on his Instagram story. I'm like, oh, you look extra Hillary. This is not good.

I mean, why did everybody suddenly start to think that they were hairdressers? Everyone in the nation is just like. I don't think any women wanted this. Like I tweeted, I said, I'm so glad to be single and I'm not having to cut a man's hair right now. But I don't think that I don't think that the bulk of women were like, this is going to be so fun and cute and bonding. but these guys get their haircut every few weeks. So we were forced into submission.

We were all forced into being the Vidal Sassoons of the pandemic. I don't know. Against our wills. It was not a good situation for most couples. I didn't see like a great haircut. You know, I saw a lot of like botched haircuts. But I mean, I don't know. Is it really that important that you get your haircuts?

I don't know, whatever. You know, live your truth as a couple. But I saw it excessively in that one week. I think you're right. And now we have reached the naked portion of the pandemic. I cannot believe what is happening. Like there's been so many themes where I was like, oh, there's a lot of tie-dice sweatsuits on the internet now. A lot of people are making their own sourdough starters.

Yeast was sold out. People have abandoned bettering their lives. They all became bakers for three days. and then all of a sudden, one afternoon, three days ago, everyone is naked on Instagram. I don't understand it. Everybody's going to better their lives and now all of a sudden, y'all are just butt naked. Everybody's a band, 30 days in. Again, this is just like a few weeks.

Listen, I know it's been a tough few weeks. It's terrible, but it's a few weeks. We haven't been living in caves for a year, okay? It's a few weeks. It was a lot. But, you know, I, it was, it's, this isn't a third, we're not talking about thirst traps, y'all. Early on in the pandemic, I posted a full bikini shot my entire body. It's not that.

It's nudity. If you started a cute thirst trap challenge, also that went by the wayside, all the challenges. We're all doing push-up challenges weeks ago also. Now we're just, oh, yeah, good call that there was a challenge, that there was a challenge phase, of the pandemic. But we noticed a lot where people you just wouldn't expect to be naked and like some women

but a lot more dudes. Like the dudes have snapped a little. It's all dudes. I didn't even want to tell. I was like, Ashley, listen, I didn't even want to show you this. This is so embarrassing.

It reflects so poorly on me. My ex is in the shower like drumming on, what was that? Like a muffin tank? He was like, he was like, but naked to the shower. Yes.

He's like, he's like hair begging his like crazy-ass hair. And I'm like, thinking to myself, I can't believe he didn't think how this would reflect upon me if somebody saw this. Not to send it to Ashley and have a discussion about it. Well, yeah, you, I had sent you the one that of this guy I mentioned. And I was like, um, okay. And then you were like, look, I didn't want to show you this, but. I didn't.

Yeah, I told, yeah, he's on, like, it was one of our former guests that we didn't really expect to see his entire naked body. like we just, I just started to see it everywhere. You're so right. I've seen a lot of, aside from the nudity, I've seen a lot of uncharacteristic posts from men. Like, I feel like they're losing it a little more. Like, women are still like, yeah, whatever. It doesn't seem crazy.

Like I've, and again, live your truth. I don't, I'm not judging anybody, but we're noticing patterns and people seem like they're a little snapped. Listen, Ashley and I are snapped too. Like Ashley and I had a bad day all day. We have a lot of bad days. I cycle through 35 emotions every day. It's like I'm on my period times 20.

I'm on like a mega period every single day. But yeah, I wish that everybody, I wish all my exes would think about how this is making me look and keep their clothes on for me. Okay. I mean, and some of them look good. It's not that their bodies, it's not anything to do with their bodies. The bodies are still on point a lot of times. It's just what's going on here.

It's how it makes me emotionally look, okay? That you're in the shower drumming on a muffin tin. What are you doing? Make a banana bread. Did he? Oh, shit. Like, I wish I could predict what's going to happen next week because there have been such clear themes to like every week.

Like, yeast is sold out in like every gross. You can't find yeast because everybody's a baker now. Like, what it? I thought nudity was the final frontier. And I thought that would at least take us 60 days to get there. So like what's about to happen? I don't know. You know that like in other countries the animals have like taken back the city.

And like Thailand, monkeys have like flocked to the streets. And so like maybe men will flock to the streets naked take back the city. Oh my God. They're like just like animals. Yeah. All right guys. Well, you know, let us know. Tag us in the story.

Tell us what you think your predictions are for the next week six. Yeah. What's going to be the hot trends in week six. And this week, since it is Crocs and Sox Week, tag me in your Crocs and Sox Picks, please. I would love to see you. We will repost a few. Actually, I'm glad you said that.

I put this thing, I put this thing on my Instagram yesterday because I realized how many friends that have birthdays right now that are all like Aries birthdays. I'm realizing all my best friends are Aries. Oh, or Gemini's, and then I have one cancer best friend. But I put on my Instagram story, you know, that if somebody's having a birthday, that it can be really disappointing. And then I really started to like spiral, of course,

and think about how this is a really special time of the year for a lot of kids in high school and college and people that should be really celebrating their senior prom or their graduation. And April and May is really like a time when you get to celebrate those accomplishments. And so many people aren't getting to do that. And I think that there's a lot of things that people are missing, like weddings and birthdays and once in a lifetime experiences. And I put this on my story and it's reminding people to be kind to those people. and I got so many messages from girls saying,

I'm graduating from law school, medical school, and people, and I don't get to celebrate it, people are acting like I'm overreacting. And this girl said that she had to cancel her study abroad, and everybody's acting like they're overreacting because they do have their health. And of course, I think that that is really important, but I also think it's good at this time to remember

that this isn't a sadness competition to see whose pain is worse to them. And if you're missing these milestones and these accomplishments in your life that everybody else usually gets to celebrate and you don't, I think that that's really upsetting and you deserve to be sad about it. Not sad forever, but you deserve to be acknowledged for it. And so don't ever let anybody take that away from you. This isn't like a competition to see whose life is sadder and more disappointing right now, you know? Yeah, you and I talked about this too.

Like, it's all sad. It's sad that we don't get to do our shows. It's sad that people don't get to celebrate their birthdays and their weddings. But there's something about this like senior prom graduation that is the worst to me. Like, you'll reschedule your wedding. You know what I mean? Or maybe I'll break up and you won't have a wedding. Same that money. But you know, you'll have another birthday.

But I don't know because it's like, remember what it was like to be a senior in high school? You didn't give a shit about this. Like, you're healthy, unless you have somebody in your family that's dying, you're like, this isn't even affecting me. Like, you're selfish and all you want is like to go to prom and to graduate and walk. And it's just like, I feel for these seniors,

I just, I saw that Instagram story. of that dad, it's on E-News, of that dad dancing with his daughter all dressed up for prom in the living room. And I just, it's so true. It's like you're in high school. You can't see past yourself. Right. And like, yeah, that's a really like sweet, probably understanding daughter. Me, I wouldn't be dancing with my dad in the living room. I would be having a tantrum of epic proportions and probably cutting up my prom dress and burning it in the bathtub in our family home. Coronavirus. has to apologize to me. To me.

It sounds trivial, but it's not. And to think of what we were like at that age at 17, when all that mattered was senior prom, was graduation was for me, you know, the final soccer season, like whatever it was, like to have them lose that is like, I don't know. It's like I have this weird sympathy for the high school seniors.

I don't think it sounds trivial. I think it's like, you know, it's the mark that you're an adult now. And I feel I really feel for people that are graduating too that should have gotten to celebrate this huge milestone. And so I just, I want to remember that if there's people in your lives that are missing these milestones, even if it's a birthday or a wedding, just be kind and, you know, give them a little extra love. And I think that everybody feels guilty for feeling guilty right now. But you

don't have to, and it's fine to feel sad. And it's also fine to realize there's worse horrors in the world, too, but you're also allowed to feel bad about it. So I just want to say that because I got a lot of really beautiful feedback for my Instagram story. And I love you guys. And Ashley and I are always thinking about you. So yeah, and your mom also had a birthday recently. Yeah, I posted that when my mom, when we celebrated her birthday on March 27th. I was just like shout out to all the Aries that are missing their birthdays. And now it's not just Ares, obviously. What are we in now?

Libro. You know, it's coming up. No, we're at Aries right now. You know what's coming up, though. Taurus. Oh, shit. It's right out. It's next, right?

It's next. It's almost Taurus season. Oh, no. Ladies, we can't stress this enough. Do not come for us. This is not about tourist women. We love tourist women. My best friend, Corey's a Torres.

It is tourist men only that we love to shit all over. And some of you guys have amazing tourist men, boyfriends. We get it. It's a joke. Not really, but it's a joke. Do you think I feel like this is when we said stop DMing us. I think this was the straw that broke the cables back was when we put out the message that we hate tourists men.

And so we got thousands of DMs about tourists men. Yeah, but it's like it's not just us and our personal experience. It's like so many women like agree overwhelmingly. like Heather Mayn, did a whole big thing on it. It's like a thing. Well, now we're proving it is a thing. Now, I don't think I've ever dated anybody with a May birthday,

but I'm sure they're terrible. All right. Well, don't DM us about it. Well, no, because there's Gemini's at the end of May. Oh, yeah. May 20th. All right, guys. Well, your long-awaited movie review is here.

It's for, he's just not that into you. I've been teasing this for a while. This movie is from 2009. I said it was six last week, but I was wrong. but you know six nine interchangeable whatever nice uh it was from 2009 so here's the thing i don't hate the movie okay i want to make it really clear i like the movie i that all-star cast i enjoyed the storylines i like the movie my issue is that it completely contradicted the book i will never get over it i haven't let it go for 11 years i will never

get over it. Let me back up to reading He's Just Nothing into you. Life changer, Game Changer. I read it at a young age. And I swear that started me down the trajectory of if he doesn't like me, I don't like him. Because I read it in high school, we all like guys that we weren't into that were unavailable. When I read He's Just Not Than Into You early on in college, it changed my life. It was the Miranda moment from Sex and the City of her being like, oh my God, this guy just doesn't like me. I can move on with my life. You know, like that book solidified it. If you haven't read it, I'm sure most you have. go please read it. And every chapter is like, if he's not calling you, he's just nothing into. If he's not asking you out, he's just not done into.

If he's not marrying you, he's just not that into you. If he's not having sex with you, he's just not that into you. If he's not having sex with you, he's just not that into you. Clearly, we know that there's exceptions to every rule. But the basic gist is the same stuff, time of stuff that we preach. That like, if this person isn't showing up for you and they're not trying to date you, they don't like you, move on with your life and find somebody that's deserving of you, right? It's a wonderful message.

We send it all the time. The book was a game changer. I have so much respect for it. I know Greg Berndt who wrote it. I've met him. He's really great. We might have him on the podcast to discuss this, among other things, whatever. I cannot believe they made a movie where the main storyline was Jennifer Goodwin and Justin Long.

We'll get to, is Justin Long Hot shortly? That was the main storyline of the movie. And in that movie, she chased him. She was desperate. She was thirsty. She was pathetic. She was just what at his house acting like his girlfriend when he hadn't shown her any sort of affection or attention. She was waiting by the phone.

She was doing everything quote unquote wrong and really acting like a desperate, pathetic woman that you never want to be like. And then at the end, he just decided he liked her. It goes against everything the book tells you. I will never get over it. I don't understand it. The fact that the movie was called, he's just nothing to you. Like that storyline was he's just not that into you. But he might be if you wait around long enough and act like a crazy person.

Like what? I wonder I'd interrupt you. I mean, I have more to go. I just, you know, I don't want to, I, I knew I was going to dominate this discussion, but I feel free to weigh in whatever. No, I mean, there is other storylines as well. It's like, you know, if he won't marry you and wait and you just wait and wait and wait and wait, like he, okay, I'll let you get to that.

The end of the movie ends with him saying, you are my exception. And it's like the whole, the whole premise of this is to believe that you are not the exception and you are the rule. And men don't just wake up at show me a time this has ever happened or men have ever just woken up after you've pined after them and humiliated yourself and acted like the girlfriend when he's not fucking and then he just wakes up one afternoon and suddenly it's you. Amen. Amen. Okay. And just to back up, the storyline of Drew Barrymore and Kevin Connolly and the Star, Scarlett Johansson, I liked it because it was almost like that she's just not that into you

thing. I appreciated them kind of show on the other side when Scarlett Johansson just didn't want to move in with Kevin Connolly and then he ended up with Drew Barrymore. On the flip side, also the affair. Bradley Cooper had the affair. I forget her, that actress's name, but I love her. She's so beautiful. I think her name's Jennifer too. Oh, Jennifer Connolly? She, he means his wife.

Jennifer Connolly. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So, but also. From the labyrinth, which we referred to last week. So that went with the book, I guess, because there's a chapter in the book. If he's sleeping with somebody else, he's just done to you.

Yeah, if the guy's having an affair, leave him, I guess, whatever. I'm not mad at that storyline. I think that they portrayed that really, really well. And she did end up believing him. Then Scarlett Johansson left. too and he was like the villain and he was you know left alone and sad great ben afflick and jennifer aniston i want to be clear i love it i cry every time he proposes he is the ring and the fucking cargo shorts i love it i love both of them i love them together on screen but it went against

the book too the whole thing was that like if he's not marrying you he's not into you and of course there's exceptions to every role and you know her and when her family was sick and it was so beautiful that he did come back around, but everything in the movie negated the book. And I cannot believe that they called it that when it sent the exact opposite message. Right. I will never get over it. If you pick goals that you want and you just wait around long enough that these things will happen. I also don't hate a storyline where you're with a man for seven years and he says to you,

I don't want to marry you. And you accept that like you're willing to accept a little less and that you do love the person, that it is enough. And she says to him, like, you're more of a husband to me than any of these other husbands. And I actually don't hate that storyline that, like, you can sort of shift what you want in life. And you can give and take with your partner. And, you know, I don't think people should have to give up what they want ever. I think if you want to get married and that's your non-negotiable, then that's you're not negotiable.

But, like, I think that there wouldn't have been anything wrong with her staying with him if that's, like, a precedent they want. Anyways, I guess it's another, like, it's another example. I forgot about that quote. You're more of a husband to be. when he comes in when her dad is sick, I mean, don't get me started. You guys, I love the story. I know. What happened in that writer's room that they had Justin Long and Jennifer Goodwin end up together?

Because what should have happened, if this would have happened, this movie would be fine in my book. What should have happened is that he rejected her, rejected her, rejected her. She humiliated herself. She was desperate. She was pathetic. Whatever. And then someone came along that liked her and showed up for her. And then she would have ended up with that guy.

it would have sent the right message that the book was about, find somebody that's deserving of you, and then maybe Justin Long would have realized, oh, wait, I do want her back. And then he calls her and she, like, denies the call or whatever. Like, that's what should have happened. I still don't understand how they let that fly. I don't know what Greg Berent thinks about it. But it, it blows my mind because I do like the movie. It just wasn't based on the book. And the name of the book is an iconic title. I just don't think that like at a baseline like these ensemble cast movies like they're not trying to teach you a lesson. They're trying to be like a feel good thing. So like they ended the movie with the thing that every girl hopes for where he says to her, you are my exception. I cry every time he says it. I bawled my eyes out. Every time he like whispers it into her mouth, you are my exception. Who? Ben Affleck? No, Justin Long says it to. And I'm just like, oh, because how. How? How? many of us have just like pine for that day and wished for that day, girls, that day's never

going to come. But did they make a movie titled after a book that contradicted the whole book? How? I'll never get over it. Thank you guys for coming to Ashley's movie reviews. We have to answer, right? No, we have to answer your big question. Oh, okay.

So a bunch of people have tagged me in this this week. People have tagged me in Justin Long photos and just wrote like, yes he is and no he isn't. Like he's probably like, why are all these people trolling me? Okay. Here's my feeling. I do not find him attractive at all. Savage statement. You brought it up.

You started the Is Justin Longhot challenge so you could weigh in and say I don't find him attractive at all. Jesus. Listen, it's week five. We're getting savage. okay. Don't find me attractive, like the entire barstool audience. You know, he's not my cup of tea. I think he has an awkward face.

He's not for me. I think that he did a nice job in that movie of exhibiting some big dick energy. But you have like, he fucked busy Phillips and then he like blew her off. And it's like, get out of your Justin Long. Who fuck are you to blow off busy Phillips? Fuck you. Okay. You're not cute enough to do that.

And you're all restaurant manager, okay? You think you're just like, just acting like you're better than everybody. Okay, you're just like everyone else. Oh, my God. I just got so heated about his character in the movie. I thought he fucked over busy Phillips in real life. I was confused for a minute. I forgot she was in the movie.

I was like, oh, they fucked? She's the hostess in the movie. Okay, so I want to be sensitive about this. I don't find him attractive because I know he's shorter than me. So, oh, he's fine. I know he's, which I mean, I'm a little over 5-9, but he's a smaller build guy, which, again, like, is not short, but it's like he looks boyish anyway. So I can't find him attractive based on like the fact that I know he's definitely smaller than me. Like I'm sure he's a smaller frame too than me. So it's like, I know this guy's smaller than me and he also looks kind of like boyish anyway. I think I would find him actually attractive if he was 6-1 or 6-2 because I like a younger looking dude. He's, He's got Josh Hartnett vibes to me. Like he's, I like that floppy hair, like brown, brown hair, brown eyes.

Like, I'm okay with his looks. I just know that he's small. I did not know that. I've dated guys that are 5-9. And people ask me this all the time. Would you date guys short than you? I'm not a heightus. I date a guy that's 5-9.

I'm 5-10. And, but he was muscular. Okay. Listen, his height has nothing to do with it for me. It's just like we all have like a thing that gets us hard and he's not it for me. Look, you know that I like really. tall guys that are covered in tattoos and have a shaved head and a beard, okay? And I just don't think he can carry. I don't think he could carry a shaved head and a beard, okay? That's just how I feel.

Absolutely can't. Okay, so that's what I need him to do. Yeah. I think also what I think it is is I know that he's like on the skinnier side. And I don't, I don't really dig skinny guys. I don't like super jack guys too. You know what I like. I like some muscles. You and I fell into some skinny guys by accident before. And they wouldn't really let us eat. We're safe now. It's over. If you've come to a live show or even my stand-up, you know what we're talking about.

We're not going to get into it right now. Okay. So I do just want to say, like, we have touched on this a lot. We've been trying to figure out how to, like, do a whole episode on communication. And I think that we honed it. We've sort of dropped this into a lot of episodes, but like we've never done a whole episode on how to really talk to, whether it's a new partner. an existing partner and at the end of it,

like how to fight and get what you want and like have a positive outcome. So I don't think that we've ever really done a whole episode about it. And I'm really excited. And to me, romantic relationships are very different than relationships with your parents

or your friends. And we've talked about how to like fight with friends a lot quite a bit or with your family. And to me, I don't interact with a relationship the same way, a romantic one. Yeah, I think so. But also with some of the feelings feel the same.

So like your feeling, the way you feel when you're angry at somebody that's close to you is the same. And how you react, how you work it out with them is similar. I feel like I've learned a lot in romantic relationships and past relationships that clearly helps me communicate better with you because I've worked through my flaws, my tendency to react and things like that. So yeah, it feels different.

But I think people that are really close to you, your partner, your best friends, your family members, like for me, it's like that core four or five people in my life, conflict feels very similar. It doesn't for me. It's interesting. It does for you. For me, first of all, I feel like, I think one at the root of it, I feel like my significant other is a reflection of me. And I don't feel like that. I feel

like that about you because we're business partners, but I don't feel like that about most of my friends. I don't feel like that about my family. Like your romantic partner, you've chosen that person. And when they're acting a certain way, I'm disappointed and you want to be like a team with that person in a way that I don't need to be a team with like my mother or my friends. And

it's a flaw of mine that I think that I probably give a lot more grace to friends than I would my partner. Like I'm much quicker to anger. Also, I know that like my friends don't have to tolerate it and my boyfriend has to stick around. So I probably don't behave as well as I should. Well, yeah. So we want to, we want to give credit to a DM we received a long time ago.

I don't even remember. I had this in our like folder, our shared folder because I wanted to hold on to it. Because I just love what she said. And to whoever sent this, thank you so much. I just the way, it was just like, yeah, it's just. to hone in on this and do a topic on this. She wrote, can you guys talk about what effective communication looks like?

We always say, have better communication, but what does that really mean? And how can I improve on that? It's especially during arguments when I get heated or defensive and get clouded by my emotions that I don't see it from my partner's perspective. I also feel like my ego gets in the way and I don't want to admit that I'm wrong. Not sure if there was a good approach to this or if I need to seek therapy.

Thanks, guys. This spoke to me beyond because I felt all those feelings. We've all felt those feelings of like you are clouded by your anger. your ego all above. Yeah. And one of the issues that I take with a lot of, well, I mean, today when I was doing some research for the episode about like, when you just Google effective communication with your partner,

I think so many things sound really nice and sound really easy to do and beautiful and harmonious. And when you are fucking pissed, you're not doing any of that stuff. You know what I mean? And so like I wrote down all these things about like, be gentle, be open minded, listen, use eye statements, validate them. use body language that's a nonverbal communication technique. When I'm like seeing red and I'm so mad and I feel like you have wronged me,

you're not listening to me, you don't hear me. I think that this should just be like an easy conversation. I can't do any of those things. And so I think that like that's what's really good to talk about today. It's like let's be realistic that like everything is easy when you're not pissed. Yeah, yeah. We're going to talk about what if, what it, how you manage an argument. And honestly, you know, because we want to give you guys tips to to win at life,

how you win. You know, it's not about winning. It's about obviously compromising and coming to agreement with your partner that makes both of you happy. But how to set up a confrontation or act in a conflict so you can leave with a desired result. But I want to kind of start with like just low level shit, which can translate into being in a serious relationship too. But kind of those things that happen when you first start dating somebody when there is not

so much of a commitment, you're unsure how they feel about you. That's when you have a lot of the insecurities when you're not certain how someone feels. There's no title on it. You're unsure. You don't know if they're committed. You don't know if they're dating other people. You don't know what's going on. And that's when I think communication can be a little tricky because it's like, should I be

letting him chase me? Should I be speaking up for what I want? Should I do this? Should I do that? And I think that that's when a lot of people, myself included, can get passive aggressive. And I think that's like the worst thing you can do in any sort of relationship from whether it's new, whether it's newly dating or whether it's in a serious relationship, whether it's with a friend, a family member, is like that.

that passive aggression because you want somebody to be doing something that they're not doing. And to me, it's like, we've said this before. The things that I always have to remember are that this person can't read my mind, especially a man. Because, Raina, you and I know our tone, when we say things, we know what each other are thinking. But we're women and we are similar and we spend all our time together. Men just, they operate differently and they can't pick up always on your little cues.

and your hints and these things and some more than others. I've dated guys that are way more intuitive, and I've dated guys that are so fucking clueless, and neither of them are bad people, but they just don't get it. And I think, me included, have that tendency to be like, but I want this thing and he's not doing it. And then you start to get passive aggressive and send those texts,

and then he just thinks you're being a bitch or he doesn't understand what's going on literally at all. And I think some of it too is, we've talked about this, I think with Jared Fried early on, and I can't hammer it home enough because I have to tell myself this a lot is never text a guy anticipating or it's expecting a specific response because you will almost never get it. They aren't built like us. They don't know what you want.

And you get yourself in a bad position where you're like, I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to kind of put myself out there and hope they come back with this. And they usually won't. And that's when you start to get upset. So I think never texting with a desired outcome is a solid piece of advice. Yeah. I think that, you know, in the beginning now is sort of the time to set ground rules and draw these boundaries and teach somebody what you're like.

And everything can kind of feel like a landmine because you don't know what this person's like and you don't know where their boundaries are and you don't know how to set them off and what their buttons are the way an existing relationship would be. And I think that you should never assume that somebody can read your mind and you should never assume that you're reading their mind correctly. I just, I think that assumptions are really bad and I think that as we're testing other people's boundaries, I would

avoid the things that I've done in the past that, you know, are like sending a text like, no worries. Things that are instigative, I think, that really show that you are pissed about something and just not expressing it and we can sort of get into what I think is better. But it sounds really

obvious, but I would avoid sending these text messages when you're drunk and making any type of decisions about like plans and things like that and you've been drinking because I just tend to get a little more petty. But I think I've let a lot of relationships like fall by the wayside in the very beginning because I'm being withholding. I'm being petty. I'm acting like a brat.

I send some like shitty like, you know, well I guess I'll just see you when I see you type of text message that no man is going to act positively to eat either. You know, I think about how does this sound to the other person? And sometimes when I type of text, I almost like mock it back to myself and think like, how is this person going to read this? Am I being childish when I could have just told them what I needed from them? And I think that you can set some really bad precedence in the very beginning by acting like this that will never be able to change long term if you start off like this.

Yeah. And for me, we talked about this with Adela, my gut reaction to things that trigger me is anger and I feel it in my gut, in my stomach. But if you have a text that triggers you, I feel like I can feel it in my brain. I feel like my brain gets clouded with a feeling of not rage, but like a little bit of anger. And my instinct is to respond. And if you are like me and this is relatable to you, you can wait like three minutes. Like just wait five minutes.

Like I'm not saying to wait an hour. I'm not saying you have to go to a yoga class. Just wait a few minutes and let your mind clear. I've sent so many texts that I regretted within five minutes. You know what I mean? And like, or sometimes I've, I misread them. Like, sometimes I misinterpreted something they said and I clapped back too quickly and I hated myself for it.

And I think in terms of like actual stuff is, I'm getting a lot better. A lot of the stuff I'm talking about today is going to be kind of when I was a little bit younger. But for me, I've had a situation like this semi recently and I kind of tried to work through it on my own where I was dating somebody that I felt like just was a little clue that didn't pick up on cues and things like that. And it was a little bit younger. and I had to suck it up sometimes and be a little more assertive.

And I didn't love it, but it worked. And I'll give an example is that, and I actually, I talked to him about this recently. I asked him what the reason was. We had like gone out. We had hooked up and like we just still were DMing. Like we weren't texting. And I just wanted this guy to ask for my number. We were talking.

And so it wasn't a big a deal. It was just like, I think you should ask for my number. I just was like, I feel like that's the next. step, but I'm not going to act like so crazy about it. I dropped like one hint. He clearly didn't pick up on it. So finally, I just said to him, here's my number, unless you want to live in my DMs forever. And he texted me immediately. It wasn't snarky. It was cute. It was flirty. And another thing with the guy that I dated that it was kind of a long distance scenario was that I felt like he should be calling me more because we were trying to have this long distance

relationship. And I remember a point where I was feeling a little angry that, you know, it was kind of his turn to call. We should have had set up a phone date, whatever, and I was thinking of what to text him. Again, you know, being a little bit stubborn and my, you know, what you want to say is, I thought I would have heard from you by now or I'm like, I'm pissed or whatever, but I've thought about and I thought about it and I wrote to him, I was hoping we would have talked or like, I wanted to hear from you. Like, try to say something that also is a little bit flattering and makes them realize that you wanted to talk to them. Not like I thought you would have called me. Like the tone is more like, I was hoping to hear from you.

And he, you know, he called me immediately. Like the times I've had these things happen with guys that my gut feeling was that there's just some sort of him not reading my mind, him not knowing what I want, him not knowing what to do. When you actually are a little more assertive and take the lead, they respond immediately if they like you. If they don't respond, they might not be into the relationship. But if you step it up and you say to this guy like, hey, I was hoping to hear from you

or hey, here's my number or whatever it may be. You know, like I was looking forward to hanging out. I was kind of bummed that there was miscommunication. Whatever it may be, they should respond immediately if they're into it. If they're into it. And if they're not, like, I think you can just sort of feel when somebody's not into you. And I think unlike you or your primary feeling is anger, my feeling is sort of rejection in the beginning.

And I think these petty conversations sort of tend to come up around plans for me, especially, like, where I think we had plans or I think that you're like, pussy putting around making a plan in case something better comes up. And I start to get really frustrated and I feel rejected. And that's when I start sending these really petty texts that never result in anything that I wanted. And I think in the very beginning, humor can go a long way. Just making a joke about it. And I do want to talk about addressing it more seriously.

But, you know, I think you have to say to yourself, you know, I read this thing. It's, you know, the first time something happens is a chance. The second time it was a coincidence. the third time it's a pattern. And is somebody doing this all the time to you? Or is this just the first or second time this has happened? Maybe they don't understand it. They're not reading your mind.

And just say it like a light, easy way. Not everything has to be like, I really liked you, and I'm really mad about this. And I'm disappointed by your reaction. And not everything has to be this like heavier, deeper conversation. I do still think you can have those with a guy. And I'll give an example of like when I did do that. But I think that like we can make jokes and not everything has to be like

mad and snippy and bratty, which I have done a million times. the past and I can honestly say it has never positively worked out for me. And in like the fall, I met this guy that I liked and I thought that he like made those like half plans with me a couple times where he was going to like let me know where he was. And then I felt like he blew me off. And I didn't like that shit. But I liked him.

And so I just like called him and I was like, hey, like I, I used to stop this like fuck boy shit. So just call me and hang out with me and make a plan or don't see me. And like I think that I'm very funny when I like get worked up and it's clearly like a joke. And I think it's like sexy to be assertive and it was clear that I was laughing. But I was being serious, you know, like make a plan with me. That's how I feel. I'm telling you how I feel. I don't want to be treated like this.

But I didn't take the stance of we need to have like a serious conversation about our relationship and your behavior, you know? Make a joke. Make a joke. Make a light. Yeah, early on, for sure. I had a situation with a guy where he said, you know, on a Sunday or something, let's get together Tuesday.

I thought that was the plan, and I counted on it, you know, and I think he was just a little scatterbrain, whatever, hadn't heard from him Tuesday afternoon. And I reached out to him, was like, hey, are we, you know, still on for whatever? And he was like, shit, I totally forgot. I said that. And I didn't freak out. It felt like an honest mistake.

It wasn't a pattern. And he immediately was like, what are you doing tomorrow? Like, it was like, shit, I fucked up. Let me correct this. Like, it would have been very different. if he was like, oh yeah, sorry and just never tried to make up for it. Like, you'll know, you'll know if this is someone trying to blow you off or if it is someone that is just a little more passive.

And it's not so ideal for me to date somebody that's more passive, but I have been in situations where I've had to be a little more assertive. And I mean, the goal is just like if someone's a little more passive, maybe you have to be a little more aggressive, the goal is just not to be passive aggressive. You know what I'm saying? And if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. Like, that might just be who they are and it's not going to work for you. if someone was like, God, I really like Ashley, but I just, I wish she was just a little more

demure and, like, less opinionated. I'd be like, then I'm, you're not your person. You know, like, and I'm not saying you should, someone should never make plans, never pick up the phone. Like, that's, come on, that's not a personality trait. Everyone should be able to ask somebody out to make a plan to pick up the phone, whatever. If someone's not for, and you've talked to them about it and they don't continue to do it, maybe that's just not someone you should date, or maybe they're just not that into you. Or we touched about in the gaslighting episode where, like, that girl was like, he blew her off and then he just like kind of mocked her for being upset.

We know that is like you, you know? Yeah. And I wouldn't give it any more energy than that. And if you feel like you're not sure how a text sends, I can't how it sounds. I tell all my friends what's going on in my life. I send Ashley text messages ahead of time. I think that there is nothing wrong with getting a second opinion on a text message before you send it. And I think sometimes like I will say something that I don't think it sounds rude or aggressive or judgmental.

And Ashley or somebody else will read it and will be like, you don't understand how that sounds to another person. I think there is nothing wrong with that. I just think that like when you think about the end result and you work backwards to what you actually wanted these like petty, aggressive, mad and sort of overly like overly assuming this relationship is deeper than it really is type of messages are never going to bode well for you. So you can ask a guy out if he blows you off. I love what you did where you were like upfront and honest and then he came around. But if he hadn't, then I think you would have known that he didn't like you that much.

Yeah. Like when every single time with this specific guy or with any guy that I felt this feeling of like a just think they, they don't really know what's going on in my head. They can't read my mind. They might think I'm not that into it. You know, I'm out here traveling, doing our thing, whatever. Like, I'm going to put myself out there a little bit. And when they bite immediately, I think it's pretty telling. You know, like, I literally sent that due my number. I mean, it was instantaneous. You know, like he was like, she likes me. I like her. Like, let's get this going. You know what I mean? And I think that's going to be your answer. And also, by the way, I asked that guy, why, in case you guys want to

know. I asked him for research purposes why he just lived in my DMs for a week after we hooked up. And he was just like, I don't think of it like that. It's we were communicating. I was still talking you every day. Which is how most guys think. I think that if a guy's keeping you always in the DMs and you're fully dating, there's a reason. If you're at the point where you're dating and going on dates a lot, you want each other's numbers. You don't want to get into your DMs to check status of like, hey, how far away are you? There's something shady about it. There's something shady about someone that only wants to Snapchat forever. But we had been a week, you know?

Yes. And I think while we're added at the beginning of relationship and formulating behavior, if you do act out and you act petty and shitty and you realize that's like not who you want to be, I think admitting that you were wrong goes a very long way. I think that you should always admit you were wrong. I think Ashley and I admit it to each other all the time

and I try to do it in relationships. I always try to set a precedent that like when I really realized that my behavior was out of line, that I acknowledge it. And then I think it actually makes when I'm really upset about something hold more weight because now I'm not a person that is irrationally pissed off about stuff all the time. Now I'm a person that can actually acknowledge, okay, maybe I overreacted a little bit. I just think that these are like very small building blocks in the beginning of a relationship where you're teaching somebody how to treat you.

And you should also be the kind of person that can accept that maybe you didn't act perfectly either. For sure. And I'm getting better at it. We're all, it's we're all learning all the time. It's like we're just, everybody is always a work in progress. I want to hone in on something you said and get real into it. Why? A big flaw of mine is making assumptions and you touched on it, but I just can't hammer home enough that what is it making, what is it?

Assumptions makes an ass out of you and me. Like I have a wild imagination and it really serves me well in a creative industry, but it does not serve me well in personal relationships. And my wheels will turn and create things I think are happening. even in friend fights, even in family, like any conflict I've ever had, obviously, morantic relationships, like, I just let my imagination run away with itself. And it's not real. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you can just create these things in your head. You haven't heard from somebody. You think they're out with somebody else. Like, whatever it is, you think this person did this thing that they didn't do. You think they're thinking this. You think they're about to do this. They're doing that. You just can get carried away.

And it's a flaw that I'm constantly working on. I guess, I don't really believe that about you. I don't think you're something like crazy. is the assumption person, but I mean, you don't know, right? You don't know what's going on in my head. I don't tell you about it. I don't, because I don't start accusing people of stuff, but I wrote this quote down that I,

that I love from this article I run on Bustle. And it's from a psychologist and founder of lasting connections. I don't really know if that is, but she sounds legit. But anyway, the quote is, assumptions and mind reading usually lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Never assume you know what someone's thinking, reach out instead. So it's just, I have to talk my own self off the ledge a little bit sometimes,

because my mind can run pretty wild. Like I remember this one time with an ex of mine. We were not even, we were still new. We were so in love. We weren't having any issues. And I somehow, in my head, he, I don't know, I think he just went to bed early because he had a long fucking day on his feet. And I just had this thing of like, he's got a girl at his house.

I don't know where it came from. I just was like, he's not responding to me. He's with somebody. And I went over there the next morning to like bring cough. I mean, that wasn't weird to do. Like, that wasn't crazy. We had keys to each other's houses. Like, we would bring coffee to each other in the morning.

It was very cute. That wasn't an invasion of his privacy in any way. But, like, I don't know what I thought I was going to find. He was just in bed by himself. Like, so excited to see me. Like, I don't do this all the time, but I always just have to talk myself down. Like, you don't know that this thing is happening. You're not going to know until you talk to the person.

Calm yourself down and talk to this person about this thing that's bothering you. I don't make assumptions. I feel so rejected and then I spiral out of control. I will like put in my headphones and I will listen to like Kygo and I will walk around the West Village crying by myself because I feel so rejected by a guy when like, I don't know, like the other day I texted this guy and he didn't respond and I was like kind of annoyed and like a couple days later, two days later he called me and I was like kind of shitty with him and he was like, why are you acting like this?

And I was like, you just didn't respond. And he was like, I literally just forgot. I went on a 20 mile bike ride. I was exhausted when I got home. I looked at the text and I completely forgot. And in my mind for two days, I was, like, mad and I felt really rejected and I felt sad. And, like, sometimes I just forget that, like, other people have stuff going on too. I mean, now they don't.

It's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? They didn't text me back. But, you know, I start to feel so rejected when all I could have done was, like, followed up a little bit. Or you are being rejected and you should just move on. I mean, it's kind of the same thing. It's like you make up a story in your head that's not real. Like, it's that maybe for me, I'm a little more.

on the, he's out with somebody else and you're a little more of like he rejected me and he doesn't want to date me. Either way, it's a story that you've created in your own head that's not reality. And we've said it before in this podcast that if they're out with somebody else, so what? What are you going to do about it? Show up to the restaurant. I mean, got pre-pandemic example, but like, 22-year-old may what I'm like? It's just like what they're zooming with somebody else? What do you can't do anything about it? You just have to get over it. All you know is how your relationship is with this person. And I think if you're like this and you have the tendency to jump to conclusions to assume and to get angry or to feel sad and feel rejected, if you are in a relationship

with somebody that is normally very supportive and communicative and loving and all these things, like, you just have to remember that they're not out to get you. Like, hopefully, yeah, you could have a shitty partner and you'll figure that out and you guys will break up. You're somebody that you do feel secure with normally. It's that remembering that we talked about it with Adela, like we're on the same team. They're not out to get me. Like, wherever those triggers, they all come from things from our childhood and past relationships. We all bring baggage into relationships from the ones before them. And it's got to be that like, we're on the same team. He's not doing this thing to hurt me or to make me feel rejected or angry. Let's figure this out and talk this out like mature adults instead of like

letting your imagination run wild. Okay. I want to talk about fights and communication with somebody that you're in a long-term relationship with, like a serious, committed, like, we know each other's boundaries now. We know where the buttons are. We know what's going on. And I was trying to think today, like, what, I think you and I fight differently with a significant other. But I was trying to think, like, what are my flaws and, like, how would I give advice

to the person that I am or I was when I was a little bit younger? And I think that I do two things that are really bad. I think that I, when I'm upset about something, instead of, like, really thinking about how I feel, I just, I make jabs. I make, like, sarcastic jabs all the time. Instead of, like, having a conversation about it, like a mature adult, I make sarcastic jabs. And it's not, like, a nice way to be to your partner.

And it's not fair to your partner either. And then the other thing is timing, like, timing, timing, timing, and, like, I know that I cannot have an argument about something the minute that it starts. Like, I have to remove myself from it because I have seen the lengths to which I will go to start. I will get so angry and I will start screaming and yelling and I say things I don't mean. You know, when you say those things, you can't take back. And I know if I just give myself 10 minutes, I'm not going to feel like that.

And I'm going to see your side of it. But I need to be able to leave the room and remove myself. And that's probably the thing that I've learned the most is I've gotten older is like, don't take the bait. And if you're mad right now, at least for me, like timing. There's all kinds of things, you know, about how to talk to your partner and things like that we can talk about. But for me, just taking, removing myself from the situation and really thinking about

how I think about it, feel about it. Is for me, I think, a good way to communicate with your partner. If you know that you're like trigger heavy. Yeah, I mean, I think there are some people in this world that just are more calm and collected and they don't get us fired up. That's great. I wish I was more like that. But it is my flaw too.

Is that immediate feeling of being triggered, of feeling angry. and you have to practice self-control. You just have to. I look back on so many of the fights I was with with my ex. I really just had one relationship that was really volatile. I don't really yell and scream at people. The people I dated before him, my friendships, I just am not a big fighter.

It was this specific person that we fought all the time, and he really brought it out of me. And that's where I like learned to fight bad. But I just can't believe the way I used to act. Like towards the end, I feel like we both started to exercise this like, okay, somebody leave, walk, take, take Dewey out. Any time that we were able to do that, it was better. You cannot react in the moment. Like, the number one thing is like somehow calm down, whether you have to leave or they have to go into another room, like take those deep breaths.

It's you're, you're acting out of a different part of your brain completely. You're literally not yourself at all. And for some people, it takes three minutes, some people, it takes 10 minutes. Some people, it takes an hour. Everybody's different. but it's not reacting in the moment. Never send the text when you're angry. Never. Like, just don't.

Just don't do it. Like, even if that person's blowing you up, like Raina said, don't take the bait. Because I used to get in situations with my ex where he was just flooding me with angry, mean texts. And I would retaliate and go at it with him because there's literal adrenaline coursing through your veins when you're in fight mode. And it's so hard to control your impulses.

But looking back, if I would have been able to not respond and not go to war, with him over text. Like, we would have woken up the next day. And he would have had a flood of angry, mean text to me. And I would have had to show him that. And he would have had to deal with that on his own. And I would have been the bigger person.

And there were so many situations where I wish I could have been the bigger person. And I wasn't. But it's just not reacting in the moment, figuring out how you feel about it. Because that's where everything starts to go south. And then it just escalates. And then you're both screaming and you're both saying mean things. And then the person that says the meanest thing is the one that's going to be at fault. And then it's like, well, now I have to apologize.

But you started it. I mean, there's so many things to go wrong. but it's practicing. It's practicing with friends even. Like there's times that I felt angry at a friend or whoever or even a family member. And the other night, like it was very minimal. It wasn't serious, but my mom did something that I didn't love. It kind of, I felt a little anger rising up in my gut.

And I took Dewey out for a walk for 30 minutes. And I came back and I said to her like, hey, I would really appreciate if you didn't do this. And we had a calm, rational talk because I felt the, that aggressive, like, confrontational words, like, about to leave my lips and I just left the house. I think that it's great and that shows, you know, being an adult and maturity. And when you were talking, I was starting to think, like, you know, when you get to the stage where you're like yelling and screaming, you're so angry, usually the fight is not

ever about that anymore. If you're so mad right now, it's probably because these things have been happening, right? Whatever you're fighting about the dishes is not really about the dishes. It's about a bigger issue. And I think as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at recognizing patterns and saying to myself, this is another thing this person's done that is part of a bigger issue. And like, I know this sounds shitty, but it is just how I process things. I start to take notes about those things.

I start to write them down. And I start to think like, here's three or four instances when this happened. And I didn't like it. And it's all the same thing. And so when I go in to have a conversation with somebody now, I know it sounds shitty, but like I have evidence. I have concrete facts. And I'm not saying to a person's blanketed statements like, you always do this. You can actually say to a person, here's three instances, it sounds manipulative, but it's not.

It's three instances you did this thing. This is how it made me feel. This is a pattern and I recognize and I don't like it and I want it to stop. And I think that like if your partner knows that you're a rational person, they should be able to see what you're talking about. We talked about that with like gas lighting as well. But I think like evidence and linking it back to a pattern at least is how I can stay calm. and I can actually write something down and say, I'm pinpointing this behavior. Let me hold a mirror up for you and show you exactly what you're doing.

And if somebody still doesn't understand it, I think you can say to somebody, how would you feel if I did this to you? How would that feel to you? And I think that people forget, like, to turn it around sometimes. Like, if somebody's ever said that to me, I've been like, oh, yeah, like, I think I really wouldn't have enjoyed this. But I think that before you get to the point where you're like yelling and screaming, If there's any way to do that, that's what I would recommend.

Well, and sometimes on the flip side, maybe you were in the wrong. Or, you know, again, this is like we can't dive into all the reasons why couples have conflict. But my issue in my past relationship where I fought all the time, too, was a lack of understanding where he was coming from, being more compassionate. I have, you know, learned a ton. I've been to therapy and realizing a lot of how I triggered him and how. I mishandled the situations and I still think he was way more, I mean, like, you know, verbally abusive and combative for sure. But I was wrong a lot too.

And there were times when I couldn't see things through his eyes. And I think we all can benefit from just being more compassionate and understanding that somebody isn't doing something the way you would do it because they're wired differently and they have a different pass and they have different, a different upbringing and triggers and past relationship trauma. So just realizing that, that why somebody does something, maybe you need to figure out why they did it. And like you can go so far with a partner that has enough self-awareness. It's done enough work on themselves when you present to somebody like, hey, this really hurt me and this really bothered me.

And you will sometimes get them to be like, I know, and I did this because of this. You know what I mean? and I felt hurt or I felt insecure about this thing or, you know, they had an alternate reality in their head, you know. So a lot of it is just explaining to somebody why you feel hurt by their actions and letting them explain it to you. Well, I think that like what you're saying is just whittles down. Like people, they don't want to be wrong and they think their partner's wrong. I think their partners accusing them of being wrong. And so many times none of this is that anybody's wrong. It's just that like you've done something to hurt another person and you.

you should acknowledge it and let them explain it to you. No one's wrong for how they feel. If you feel triggered by something, that's who you are. And you're not wrong. Like this girl, the original DM, she said, like, I can't admit when I'm wrong. And it's like, well, maybe sometimes you are wrong. There are instances where you take it too far. But a lot of times we're just not speaking the same language as our partner and we should

be trying all the time to do that. And then once we have those conversations, not continuously bringing those things back up and letting every conversation spiral back to that. And if that is what's happening, happening, then you might just not be speaking the same language as your partner. That might not be the person for you. I mean, not everybody is going to understand the way that you feel. And that goes back to love languages and what we talked about.

And I had a partner that, like, refused to ever acknowledge that he was proud of me or that he was excited to do anything with me. And he wasn't that appreciative. And I think that we spoke a different language, but there was only so many times I could say to this person nicely, hey, I'd like you to be a certain way before I had to accept that this was never, ever going to happen. And then you have to decide whether you can move on or not, you know. Yeah.

And I think going back to her DM, the inspiration for this episode, was there's a difference between literally can never admit you're wrong. Like we have a family member like that. We're a little estranged from him. It's pretty bad. Like a grown adult that has never once admitted fault. And I know I joke about being right all the time. I meant I'm wrong all the time.

I've apologized to Raina so many times she's apologized to me. Like it's hard to admit you're wrong when you feel wronged. And that's, again, a lot of the like anger flowing. and the heatedness and you're in a combative situation. But the best conflict resolution in most fights, conflicts are that both people apologize. Like I don't, you and I have worked through a lot, you know, being business partners, friends. Like we've worked through every issue we've ever had. And maybe there's been a time or two where I apologized or you apologized and the other

person didn't. But for the most part, it is someone explaining why they feel hurt or wrong. the other person saying, I'm sorry. I obviously didn't mean for that to happen. And then the other person saying, I'm sorry, too. Like, every healthy conflict resolution usually involves both people did something that hurt the other person. Yeah.

And so if you can't ever admit you're wrong, you can't ever apologize. Yeah, you do need therapy. You do. And also, just to like, tag on to that, I see, I have spiraled. I mean, I hate to like keep hammering this. No one is better than this for the president of saying, well, maybe I did this, but you did this. What I did is whatever because you did this and like you're bringing in something else into the relationship that like into the conversation that has nothing to do with what you did. And I hate

when people start doing that and I get really defensive and I try to not do that back to the other person. When somebody like says to me you did this, I try to make my defense mechanism not be well you did this other thing. And it's like well both of us being assholes doesn't make this good. You know, two wrongs don't make it right. It doesn't make it okay. I think. I think that once you start doing that, you're not really speaking the same language anymore. You're just trying to see who can one up the other person with the other person's shittiness. Yeah. And it's tough, you guys. It's so much easier. It's like, I think there's some visualization techniques that you can use here too. Like, I'm, again, I'm not a therapist that specializes in

visualization, but like trying to envision this calm person that you want to be. I think about some of these crazy wild knockdown, drag out fights that I got in with my ex. And I just, I wish I could have been a bit different person. I mean, I was who I was at the time, but I wish I could have been like, I'm not going to do this right now. This is ridiculous. We'll discuss this at a different time and left the scenario, you know? And I couldn't. I was, I think I could now. I think I'm different now. I think I've learned a lot and I have a lot better tools to use in situations like that. But I mean, it's, it's easier said than done, but it's really a practicing thing that you can always work on. But Rainey, you talk about this. Like you have sometimes said that

your flaw so it's just ignoring somebody or not responding. And again, like I'm not saying that. You've been the one to say that. But I, if there's conflict and your partner is reaching out to you and they're trying to resolve it, just respond to them. Even if you say, I don't want to discuss this right now, I will talk to you about it later because I think it makes some people so much more mad. Like if your tendency is to be like, I'm just going to ignore them. If sometimes you need to do that, you need to do that. But if you really want to resolve it and you're really in a committed, loving relationship with somebody and they're saying, I want to fix this. I want to talk to you. and you're not ready, just the response, I think, is key because those things can whittle away

in a relationship when someone feels like they're not being heard. Like, someone can do something extremely fucked up and they are completely in the wrong. And I still think it's beneficial for you to be like, I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm recognizing that you do. I will let you know what I'm ready, you know? Yeah, I'm really bad at it. And I try to take your advice at this. I am.

And I think that that is a pretty quick way to push somebody into volatility and being really mad at you and suddenly like you're the bad guy for another thing you know you're not even the bad guy for that um but i wanted to say something back about like what you're talking about with your ex and i think that these volatile relationships are oddly they elevate very quickly and they're oddly addictive because because your blood pressure is always so high i think the highs also feel higher and i think that like i had this relationship with this guy when i was 21 22 and we just like fought like the craziest fighting i have ever fought with somebody Like it got physical towards the end, tons of screaming and just like accusations. And I just want to say like those relationships are not good for you. I don't know anybody. I don't know everybody in those relationships. I'm telling you they're very bad for you. And if you are in a position where you and your partner are screaming at each other and it's volatile all the time,

I promise you it's not good. And just because the highs are so high that doesn't make it better. Like your highs, I probably haven't felt highs like that with anybody. But I've never felt lows like that with anybody. And somebody who can push you to this like flipping out, screaming, yelling, it's, it's never going to be good. And it's so volatile. And I think as I've gotten older, I'm just not like that anymore. I've just gotten control of my emotions.

And I just would never date somebody that pushed me to that. But I understand like how it cycles. And I don't think there's any scenario where that's a good relationship for you. Yeah, absolutely not. And like, yeah, that's not a really toxic. You guys are really young. But there can still be relationships where two people trigger each other so much and there's still a lot of good stuff there. but you are probably going to have to involve a third party.

Like, you just probably are. Like, if you are really getting into these really bad fights, A, we'll talk about drinking in a second, but let's say you're getting a really bad fights. You've removed alcohol from the equation, and you still can't seem to work it out, but you still really have a lot of love for the person. You feel like there's a lot of good stuff there.

You just got to go to therapy. I mean, involve somebody. There's a lot of discounted therapy right now. I mean, if it's something you want to do during this time, but the third party is probably going to be necessary if you want to salvage the relationship and then sometimes the relationship won't work out anyway. But it's kind of, I don't want to say last straw. I think we can all benefit from therapy.

I mean, get a new relationship start going to therapy. Who fucking cares? It can only make it better. But that's the like we can't handle this on our own. I'm glad that you brought up drinking. I mean, all my worst fights are around drinking. We have had, listen, I have. And I have, I wouldn't say I have a complicated relationship with alcohol, but I know that I'm not proud of my behavior.

I know that I send text messages I wouldn't send and I'm more sensitive to things. Like everybody. I mean, you've watched every couple that you know and you've been that couple that spirals out of control. And I mean, when you're drunk, there's nothing you can do about it. But I have gotten better in my adult life. It just saying to myself, like, talking to my drunk self and being like sober, you would not want you to do this. Just don't send a text. Just go to bed.

just don't have this argument. I used to have like crazy fights with my ex. I'd like make myself sleep on my own couch. Like it's, and I think that like that's another thing that you can seek therapy for if it's just not getting better or slowing down. And, you know, we, you and I have a good friend that was dating somebody. And he said to us, you know, I'm crazy about this girl.

She's so wonderful, but she is legitimately like a different person when she's drinking. And she's so volatile and she's always picking these fights with me. And I think that that's a very valid thing to feel. and I think that you can only hold the mirror up to your partner so many times. I'm not an alcohol therapist. I don't know when to walk away. But at least for myself in my adult years, I have just said to myself, just go to bed. Don't say the thing.

Don't send the text. And it really has helped me. And I've woken up a lot more times recently and been really proud that I didn't make decisions after a couple drinks. Yeah. I mean, it was a huge issue in my last serious relationship. Massive. It was, I was dealing with a different person when he was drinking. And I think it's one of the main things that broke us up.

I just couldn't do anymore. It was every, I was scared for him to drink. Every single time we got to fight that was like, we were able to pretty, we were able to work through conflict sober. Like it wasn't always pretty, but we were able to get there. But when alcohol was involved, forget it. Knocked down, drag out. He left me at that festival.

That's when we got to fight in a restaurant. Like, it was like so crazy the text he would send me. were just disgusting. Like it was, I've told you some things that he would say to me when he was drunk that, like, you know,

he doesn't remember that we're so horrifying that I, like, wrote them down in the notes of my phone so I would remember them the next morning and I'm not even going to repeat them on this podcast, but like, it was such an issue. And it wasn't until the very end

of our relationship that I finally was like, I just think it's kind of, it's me or stop drinking. And I'll, you know, I'll do it too. Like, you can't ask someone to stop and then be like, but I'm going to continue because I'm fine,

even if that's the truth. Like, if you really want your partner, to make that sacrifice and you want to try to work on the relationship, it might not be stop drinking forever. It's like alcohol is a problem. I want to be with you. Can we remove it from our relationship? I'm here with you. Because if you want to ask somebody to stop drinking or cut back on drinking or not drink for a month and test it out, whatever your request is, you've got to be on the same page with them. You can't ask that of them and then you still be

drinking too. I mean, you can. I just, I don't see it boating well for you. I mean, I don't think it's fair. I see what you're saying. I don't think it's fair to say, like, I mean, some people have a real alcohol problem. I don't think it's fair to say, I should give it all up just because you do, but I think it's fair to say to a person, like, if I'm asking something of you, I'll go to therapy with you. I'm happy to work through this with you. I'm happy to not drink around you. I'm happy to stay home at night. I don't need to go to clubs. I agree with you that you can change your lifestyle a little bit for your partner if you're really saying it's me or alcohol. And I think that, you know, you and I are not alcohol therapist. I think there's nothing wrong with getting a third

party involved. I think it's probably pretty important. And I think what you did is so perfect, which is to write these things down and say like, would you, here's some things you said to me. Would you have done this sober? No. You're only doing this when you're drinking. Do you want to be this kind of person? And if you do, then like you can't be with me because I know what you went through. And it's really painful and it's really upsetting. And, you know, that guy that I was talking about too. Like none of the fights we had were sober. I was never acting like that like a sober person. the combination of the two of us and alcohol was so bad. Yeah.

And me too. Like I was drinking too most of those times, which just makes me, you know, more reactive too. But if somebody is, whether they are an alcoholic or not, I wouldn't really actually,

I wouldn't say that my ex was. It was just a lot going on there. I'm not going to get into it. I don't, I don't consider him like an addict. But you don't have to say quit drinking. Like, I think you could.

say, can we not drink for a couple weeks and see what this does for our relationship? Because if you just stop drinking for a little bit and then you just aren't fighting, it's going to be clear the alcohol was a problem. And if someone's not willing to cut back for a couple weeks and the alcohol is super problematic, like the problem is bigger. There's a dependency there. And if there's not a dependency, they're just choosing it over you. So, you know, do with that what you will.

Well, I'm glad that you said that you don't think he's an alcoholic, and I think it's really important to acknowledge that not every problem is dwindled down to alcoholism. Maybe they're drinking and not being nice to you, but maybe there's all these other issues. Maybe that person doesn't like themselves. Maybe they're upset about their station and life, their job, how much money they're making. Maybe they're really mad at you for a bunch of other shit. Maybe it's nothing to do with alcohol.

So not everything boils down to alcoholism. And I think it's really empathetic to be able to look at your partner and say, like, okay, let's talk about other problems that are causing you to lash out at me. when you're drinking. It's not that every person that you're dating is a crazy alcoholic. Maybe they're just mad at you for other shit or mad at themselves. But at least for me, like the whole takeaway, what I've learned in the last 15 years of dating is like, I have to separate myself from situations when I feel like I'm going to like go over the edge.

I have to write things down. I have to remind myself that I have to give the other person the benefit of the doubt of being able to say in a calm, rational setting, here's some things you're doing. here's what bothers me, let's talk about it. And then I think as long as you can articulate that to your partner in a mature, calm, rational way, then you can make decisions about whether or not you should be with that person. 100%. I love the way you wrapped up that whole alcohol talk with that. I'm so glad you said all that. I wanted to talk about something that I feel like is one of the main things I've learned over the years,

in and out of relationships and fights and whatnot. And it's just to pick your battles, especially now when couples are quarantined together. Like you're more irritated, you're cooped up, and outside of quarantine too. Like the longer you're with somebody, the more you get to know them, yes, the more you love them, but the more you get annoyed with them and the more you want to pick at them and nag and fight and all those type of things, maybe not. Maybe this doesn't apply to you. But a lot of people feel that way.

And it just, you just have to pick your battles. Like every single thing they do that annoys you, you can't start a fight. You know, I think you see this a lot with couples that fight in public, like at dinner. You know what I mean? like the most awkward thing you can experience in a group dinner on a double date, not couples that are fighting on the street. I live for that. We all live for that. But, you know, those couples that make it awkward for everyone because they don't know how to reel it in. And around the house, I think this applies so much. Like, you got to pick your battles. Like, do you want the toilet seat down? Great.

That's a battle you can pick. You want help with a dishwasher. Great. But you can't nitpick every single thing. You know, maybe sometimes you have to pick up after them. Maybe sometimes they have to pick up after you. Maybe they like a made bed and you don't. Like you guys have to compromise because you just to let somebody live. And I think one of the things I always tell myself is, is this really affecting me? Like, is this thing this person is doing or this decision or this belief they're holding actually affecting me and my well-being and my life? And if it's not, I just try to let it go. Like, you can't fight about every single thing that bothers you. I just don't think that's the recipe for a healthy relationship. But on the flip side, we want to talk about how to

approach the battles that you do pick to fight and how to achieve that desired outcome when there is a situation at hand. And the first thing to do is ask yourself what you want out of this conflict fight, whatever it may be. Like, what is the desired outcome? Because it's probably not to burn the relationship to the ground. If it is, then do it. Burn it to the ground. But pick a time to bring up this thing that's been bothering you that will benefit you and your desired outcome. Like when you feel the urge to send that text or drive over to their house, I've been there or pick up the phone screaming. Like tell yourself, do I actually want to win this?

Like if nothing else, just want to win. You know what I mean? Like if nothing else, be like, this is not going to benefit me in any way. And if that's the self-talk you need, it's not to lash out. It's if somebody does something. And there's differences here. There's you are face to face with your partner and there's a fight that's happening. And then there's you're not with your partner and you hear something, you see something,

something bothers you while you're apart from them and then you want to bring it up with them. There's two different things. There's like, do I remove myself from the physical situation and talk about it when we've calmed down? And then there's this thing that you saw on the internet or you misinterpret it or someone sent you a text or something drives you crazy. And to me it's just like, don't confront somebody when the timing is wrong because you're just not going to get what you want out of it. You know, like, don't send somebody a fiery, crazy text when they're at work. And that's coming from somebody that did that. Like,

sit them down. It's a low-key ambush. It's sitting somebody down and being like, I want to talk to you about this thing. And I always say, let them talk first if you can. He who speaks first loses. It's like a, you know, it's like a quote they use in sales. The phone's ringing guys. The landlines ringing. Just, you know, nobody ever answers. You could not be more at your parents' house right now in this office and there's a landline ringing. They never answered it once. But if you can get to a point where you are the one that you feel like you've been wronged or you're the one that has brought this situation to light and you can sit there calmly

and let your partner speak, you are winning. Let them speak, let them ramble, let them explain why this thing happened, why they did what they did. Just sit there, calm, collected and let them get it all out. Consider what they said and say your peace. He who speaks first loses. I can't stress enough. And I have lost plenty of times. I think that if anything, you know, history should teach you something. And I think you should think about all these other situations. And in the past, did you ever get anywhere from sending the snarky text,

sending the drunk text, yelling, screaming, accusing somebody of something? It never served me in any way. I have never gotten the result I wanted. And just like Adela said, you know, think about the results and work backwards. And none of the things I've done have ever manipulated people into do. doing what I wanted properly. So don't do those things. I know. It's just, it's, it's, patience sometimes. Like, it's just knowing that, like, bringing this up right now, while I feel this anger in my gut or my mind is clouded is not going to serve me in any way. And it's something that you learn with age, you hopefully learn with listening to us or therapy or whatever it may be. And, you know, there's tools I wish I would have had five, six years ago

when I was a fucking crazy person. But, you know, you live, you learn. Well, I think everybody is, I mean, I think this is very timely right now because everybody is trapped with their partner. And I guarantee you at least once a day, everybody has the fight with their partner that starts with. You always do this thing. And I think that we're just all having like arguments and we're on edge and we're pissed off. And I think that, you know, it's also important to remind yourself that you and your partner are on the same team and you do want the same outcome. And, you know, I think attacking and being aggressive is not the way to be. I think we've hammered that home enough.

But, you know, at the end of the day, if none of those things work, if none of the communication works, if none of the language that you're using and your empathy and your kindness and your preparation and your effort, then maybe that's not your partner or maybe you at least last-ditch effort bring a third party in. And I've seen lots of people go to therapy. I've seen positive results and negative results. I think my fear with therapy is that you walk in there and you say things you can never take back.

But that's not really the case. And I've seen lots of people go to therapy and be great. And I've seen other people go to therapy and be told like you that it's probably not going to work out between you guys and that's fine too. Well, technically a therapist never said that to me or to us. They're not supposed to say stuff like that, like tell you what to do. They're supposed to bring you those conclusions on your own, which I did. You know, like I came to that conclusion of my own after he did like the millionth terrible thing and we broke up and then my therapist was like, yeah, I mean, that's, that is probably for the best. But we have, we, I know a couple that's been

in couples therapy for like six years. And I'm just like, what does this therapist think when they go home? The therapist can't tell you this isn't going to work. You're going to have to come to that conclusion on your own. And I guess the answer there is like after we see the therapist weekly or whatever it is, is the relationship progressing and getting better? Like if you have been going to therapy for a month, even two months and nothing's changed, you know that you have to end it. Because the therapist, not all of them, but they mostly can't tell you what to do legally, right?

Like as far as their ethics is not to say to a couple in a, couple's therapy session, you need to break up. They can't say that shit. And it doesn't benefit them financially to tell you to break up. We're not saying they're greedy, but they are getting your money and they're working on your relationship for you. So as long as you keep showing up, they're going to keep doing it. So tell yourself that if we go to therapy for a month and six weeks or whatever,

nothing changes. Like, we're going to pull the plug on this, right? I don't know. Or we just light two years of money on fire and then see if that works. I don't know. I feel good about this. I mean, I feel like there's just, there's so many articles about how to communicate with your partner better,

but I don't know that any of them are realistic. I mean, everybody knows to use like open body language and eye contact and eye statements and kindness and calmness. But, you know, I think that we're all human and that's not really how we act. Also, I think there are ways to be proactive, though. So especially now, while tensions are high and everybody's cooped up with their partners, and these are tips you can take post-pandemic, whenever that may be, but our regular relationship check-ins.

Like, why not get ahead of it? You know, like, why not check in with your partner every couple weeks? Hey, just wanted to talk to you while you're in a great place. Things feel healthy. They feel nice. Like, hey, anything you want anything on your mind? Like, how are we doing? You know, we've talked about that before.

And just, I also think those little things around the clock. So like saying, thank you, saying, I appreciate you, compliments, doing nice things for your partner, making their day easier, flirting, all those things strengthen the relationship. And I think if you aren't doing those things that you normally do, you need to ask yourself why. And if they aren't doing those things they normally do, ask them why in those relationship check-ins. Because those can often be the tiny little things that build up to the bigger fight. You know, like you're used to hearing, thank you. I appreciate you around the clock, compliments.

I'm proud of you, those type of things. Not every day. You guys know what we mean. Like you know your partner. So when you feel like those things start to shift, like you do feel a sense of rejection or anger or whatever it may be. So bring it up before it's a blowout. And you, I just want to give credit. Like when you are young, this is just hard to do.

And I don't be like, all 22-year-old girls are stupid. You're not. It's just I have gotten better at things over the last 10 years. I've gotten better at acknowledging my partner at being better at being a partner to them. I've gotten better at realizing not everything is so personal. And I don't need to take everything. Like, it's such a huge insult. You know, if this does get better as you get older,

and men get better as they get older too. they start to learn how to treat you a little better as well. So I think it's just a work in progress. And if I look back at how insane I acted like 2021, I have learned a lot. And you guys have taught me a lot. And a Facebook group has taught me a lot. And Ashley and all this podcast.

And, you know, don't be hard on yourself if you're not a perfect communicator every day all the time. I mean, this does come with age. Yeah, it does. And it just, it's, it just is what it is. There is a totally different, a relationship at 24 is totally different than a relationship at 34.

It just is. And there's really incredible, mature, non-confrontational relationships between young 20-somethings that are great and they could end up together. And there's crazy, volatile relationships between people in their 30s. I was in one of them, you know? So it just, but it does get better. I love that you hammered that home. But like I said, there's people that are younger that are probably doing it better than people that are older.

There's exceptions to every role. Just like the movie, he's just nothing in you. You are my exception. I cry every time. I think this is a grand to wrap it up about all this calm, rational behavior because we are going to talk about some very non-calm, very irrational, hilarious behavior. We're bringing a game back just to wrap us up. Do you have anything else to say to wrap up the episode? I feel good about it.

Don't be passive aggressive. of don't make assumptions. Bring this shit up when you know you can win. I'm just kidding. We're just trying to teach you how to manipulate people, guys. Like we wrap this in a nice little package, but we're just trying to help you to get the gifts that you want to get. We want you to win the fight.

Girls, come on. You're on your side. You're right. He's wrong. Just know that we know that. But we're going to talk about, we're being back one of our favorite games that we started a really long time ago called Psycho or Power Move, where you guys send us emails about your psychotic behavior.

And we tell you if it's psychotic or a power move. We haven't done this since, I don't remember. It's been a long ass time. Well, and again, y'all know how I am. Give credit word to do. Someone DM me and ask, can you please bring back Psycho or Power Move? And I was like, yes, bitch, we will. It has been too long.

You are right. Psycho or Power Move, pandemic edition. Just kidding. These aren't. Most of these, most these are from these girls were young. Everyone was like when I was 18 I was a fucking crazy bitch That's what all of them are

It's like when I was in college I acted like a crazy person It's like girl same We were all fucking crazy And you know what we forget to do Sometimes we do this is actually answer If it's psycho or a power move So we can't forget

Okay I'll kick it off short and sweet So she said My boyfriend cheated on me With my best friend at the time So I took his brother's virginity know that this was in high school and I now 17 years later work with the brother's wife

girl how small is your town you're just like fucking this small circle now you know the guy's wife this is crazy you never know we have crazy we've had some crazy small town should happen in New York City or we can't have people in the same room in a giant city of millions but I I um I love that she like her co-worker She's like, hey, Janet, did you know I took your husband's virginity? If you cheat on this is not, it's not psycho to me at all.

If you cheat on me, there ain't no laws, okay? There ain't no laws would you cheat on me? With your best friend. Right. I'm fucking your brother. That is the nicest thing I could do to you. 100%. Like, no, the second an email starts out with my boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend,

it's a power move no matter what you do. Even if you murder them both. I'm kidding. We laughed about murder last week. We can't be out here. It just, you know, hurt them, but don't kill them. I feel you. Power move.

And, you know, good for it. I mean, what kid, a high school kid doesn't want to fuck? So she did the brother in favor too. It's powerful all around. Do you think that they talk about her like at Christmas? Do you think that they like compared notes? She's so ingrained in that family. She's fucked both brothers and she works with another person in the family.

She built her life on the backs of those brothers. Okay, I love this because I can just imagine the straight fight. And I feel like my ex-boyfriend and I that I talked about all episode of crazy was this would have happened to us. Okay. My ex-and-I lived together for about two years with were breaking up and he refused to get his shit out of the apartment. I'd always presented him for being such a pothead. Nothing against weed. He just smoked too often and just turned him into a different person.

which I understand. So after a week or so of him not coming for his shit, I saw his precious bong sitting on the floor, got suddenly enraged and decided to throw it in the middle of the street. It shattered into a million pieces, and when I told him about it, he came shortly after, and as if he knew right where to hurt me the most,

went straight from my only vibrator, and threw it across the street in a ditch, and yelled, since I can't smoke, now you can't mask. you had the real power move here but honestly it may be him girl i agree i'm sorry that is so funny took your dildo and just chucked it in the creek first of all there's one winner here and that's the person with the non-breakable item she threw a glass ballong in the street and it's shattered i would go over in that ditch i would pull my vibrator out of that ditch sanitize it and stick it in my pussy that

night. So, oh, you threw it outside? I'm going to go get it, but your bong is in a million pieces. I'd rather put that dirty old vibrator in my pussy rather than your dick again. In my mind, though, it's like in a creek. It's just like floating along and like somebody finds it. What if a dildo just floated by you in a creek? You would know what happened. You'd be like some bitch threw her boyfriend's bong out. And this was how he retaliated. Honestly, I think it's so funny. I think it's a power move from both of them. She's like, you won't come here. I'm to smashes into a million pieces. He do probably where to hurt me.

All right. Oh, so, yeah. Well, oh, power move. Double power move on both of their parts. 100%. They broke up. He just wouldn't come get his shit. Like, if you just come get your shit,

or I'm going to start breaking it. Or pay me a monthly storage fee. This isn't like a storage closet. What the fuck out of here? Fuck you pay me. Okay, this one is just like, it's so simple and easy, but it's just like I love where

this girl's mind went. Okay. Okay. She said this happened when I was like 18 or 19. It's still my favorite hookup story. So this guy Ronnie and I, I don't know about how I feel about a Ronnie. This guy, Ronnie and I were best friends and decided to start hooking up. Genius. I know. So fast forward at his place, we start having sex and all is going fine. And then he starts doing the, I hate condoms and I'm too big for it, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, no, let's keep it on. And he just keeps going on and on how he wants to take it off. So I'm like, okay, take it off. Fine, fine, fine. I get up, get dress, and tell him to finish by himself.

Then when I left his room, I ran into his roommate, told his roommate, hey, Ronnie's looking for you. And he walked in on him masturbating. It was historical for me. However, Ronnie and I didn't talk again for like five years because he hated me. Okay. Like, she is quick, witted. She's clever. She knew exactly what to do.

You know that once the roommate heard, oh, hey, Ronnie's in his room. He needs to ask you something. He would never have thought that he was being set up to go watch his roommate jerk off. I love this. She nailed it. This is the funniest prank. No one can like casually pretend they weren't masturbating. Like you can't just like sly out of that.

And it's so funny because you know the roommate was like, what is going on? That girl just left. Like he's like, how did this girl just leave and you're jerking off? Like now I got to know the story. I know. And like his hand is in his dick so he can't like pause to tell you the story. It's like, get out of here. It's so good.

I love it. It's power move. It's just that she, yeah, it's a power move. And it's one of those things of like your whole life. You have these situations and these conflicts that you wish you would handle differently, but you couldn't think straight in the moment to do what you wish you would have done. Like she did what we all wish we could have done. Because if you just ran out of there and you get home and you're like,

God, I saw his roommate. should have had his roommate go in and catch him jerking off. But you, like, weren't thinking clearly, like, she was able to process in that moment and complete the power move. It's a beautiful moment of clarity that we all wish we would have had. Like, you're just so annoyed and you're like, I cannot believe the situation is happening. Like, who would think to, like, pull a prank? But, like, I believe this, you know?

I believe. Also, remember when we play? Like, truth or lie? We were just, like, calling everybody a liar. This sounds like the truth. It sounds like it's like just fucked up enough that like it could definitely be the truth. It's not that wild. Right.

It's just funny. Like her to be like, hey, what's up? Jeff. Ronnie's looking for you. Jeff. Jeff and Ronnie definitely live together. Oh, you get to read this one. I'm so jealous.

This is another one that I was like, it's just crazy enough. And I know it's not a lie. And Ashley was like, yeah, I don't highlight stories that I think are lies. I went through them this time. But that last time, I thought they were. good to go too. And then once we started reading them, but we were like, oh, these are fake. Yeah, it like cascaded over both of us. I'm sorry,

that was my fault. All right. Last week, I got an email from a guy friend with the subject line, happy belated women's day. I thought it was weird as I haven't seen or heard from in years. I opened it up and what followed shook me to the core. There were hundreds of screenshots of text conversations

between this guy and prostitutes. They ranged from talking about fees, $800 for one shot, $1,000 for two shots to his sexual preferences. Apparently this guy's girlfriend stole his phone after they broke up last week, took these screenshots, and not only sent them to all of his email contacts, including his mom, but also hacked into his Instagram and created multiple stories and posted these messages and receipts from his monthly arrangement seekers subscription.

Psycho or power move, I still can't decide. Also, I know this is true. because it came from like the friend like this years ago friend if you can you imagine you're sitting at your desk and you this this like bomb drops into your computer's lap what a treat right this this one i'd read twice because it took me a second so it's crazy like she got this email like from her quote unquote guy friend like this is such a crazy story the like account that we're receiving of this from the person this isn't this is the person that got the fucking email this is wild right this and years can you hard for this person a year as you get this email.

I feel like I'd be scrolling and I'd be like, okay, serves him right. Serves him fucking right. You know, every girl on earth. Happy, what is your happy belated woman's day? That girl's a savage. His mom? Okay.

That is where I venture into psycho is the mom. I don't know. I think that you find that your boyfriend is sleeping with prostitutes. Like, you can retaliate. But it's just this guy has issues. I'm not defending him.

But I don't know that if I were doing this, I would include the mom on it. I mean, to me, it's just, it's an added layer of drama. I just would never want to get involved. And I found out that the person I was living with had been cheating on me with everybody, including

multiple of his coworkers. I could have taken those emails forwarded them to bosses. I could have humiliated him. To me, it's just like, I'm already heartbroken, I'm so devastated, I'm in shock. I don't want to add like another layer of drama to my life.

The word isn't even drama. It's like damage. Like, it's like this guy clearly needs to seek help. Like, do you really want to fuck with his mom? Like, it's like the mom, the mom will never recover. It's more about that to me. It's like, did you really need to

I don't know. It just, it bothered me a little bit, but I still am going to stick with power move on this. I mean, I've never been in that situation. Like, I mean, I think it's also different. Like you find that somebody has, your spouse has done this, somebody that you've kids with. I mean, a boyfriend, I don't know. I don't know that I need to, like, get down in the mud like that. I would rather just be done with the person.

I'm not saying this girl doesn't have every right to be fucking furious. I would be furious. And I would also think that you endangered my health and you lied to me. And you had done this on purpose continuously. I don't know if you're using condoms. I don't know who you're with. I don't assume they're terrible people, but I don't know what they're doing with their vaginas.

Anyways, I'm not saying this girl doesn't deserve to be fucking mad. But I don't know. For me, it's just like, I would rather just start to heal and move on. It's still funny, though. Yeah. Again, the mom is kind of, but also, I like what you just said. If this was my husband that we had children together, your mom's going on that email.

But you're right. Are we 22? Are we 24? Are we 26? Like, I don't know that I am. totally defaming your character to your mother, to your mom. Also, I just, why get, I just don't want to be involved with all these people. I just want to move on with my life.

If you've, like, fucked me up this bad, I just don't want to be involved in your life anymore. And I think that this is a way to, like, I mean, whatever, this is like even deeper, but, like, somebody could probably sue you for something like this. Like, you could, I mean, like, I would absolutely sue a person that did this to me. I also wouldn't be hitting up all these prostitutes. Anyways, it's a funny-ass story. I'm sorry to unpack it so deeply. Sorry to get all serious.

on you guys. But you know, my only regret is that we didn't read this on a women's day, but maybe next year. Listen, guys, send us any women's day related. We'll save it for next year. Listen, fuck with people. Just don't get arrested. Yeah. So that one was savage as fuck. I'm still, I think I'm going psycho power move. Raina. I don't like to dole those out because it's an easy out, but I got to call this one a psycho power move. I just think it's psycho. I don't think it's a power move. I think that it's just like, I just, I just, wouldn't want to be that deeply involved with fucking with somebody. I mean, it's funny to me to read the email.

I think it's hilarious. Would I do it? No. Like, I just don't want to be involved. I'd rather just never talk to you again. I agree with you also, which is like,

this is somebody who clearly has like some issues. And I don't know what that person's going to do to me. So, I mean, yeah, clearly she felt like there was no imminent danger. My whole thing with revenge is, I don't really consider myself a revengeful person. I think that most people that do bad things,

that comes back to get them. I strongly believe in like karma. And I think people that do bad things to people are self-loathing and hate themselves. And that's enough, you know? But I wouldn't like to do something to somebody because then they're going to have to do some back to me. And then you're just in a whole stressful situation. Like it just would stress me out. All right. I'm going to finish this one. This is kind of an uplifting one. So we wouldn't end on this note because it's like pandemic. You know, got to get the spirits up. She says, I was hooking up with a friend from college. It didn't work out. This fuck boy broke my heart, but we agreed it would be hard not to be friends, considering we have so much in common and so many mutual friends. We both like hiking, traveling,

and the outdoors, and it seemed like he was always trying to compete with me on who was living a better or more adventurous life. He also stopped inviting me out to do things when he knew I'd be interested, then he would talk about them in front of me as if he was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings and said the hikes would be too hard for me and that I didn't have enough experience. So I booked a trip to India and did a seven-week backpacking trek through the Himalais. is the biggest mountain range in the world. Before then, I'd only camped adjacent to the car and done day hikes up until that point. I'm 4 foot 11, 100 pounds, lost my fine motor skills on the left side of my body from a childhood brain tumor, but still successfully carried my 60-liter backpack for seven weeks,

hiking for 12 to 24 kilometers per day. I did get altitude sickness and I thought I was going to die, but it was the best time of my life. And now I guess I'm just experienced enough to hike and camp with him. But you don't want to, right? I wish you would have ended it and been like, but I never will again. What a beautiful feel-good story. When you said the thing about her motor skills, it's just like that is a person triumphing in the face of an asshole. Yeah, this is a very like thank you next situation.

Like thank you to my ex. Like would she have done this if this guy didn't break her heart? Maybe not. But who cares? Like who cares if it's a heartbreak that pushes you past your boundaries? We talked about it with Matthew Hussey. That was the entire second part of that episode was doing stuff like this after heartbreak and I love it.

And she, reading this, I got stressed. I'm glad she's survived. That sounded like she really pushed herself. I would not survive. I would die. She risked death just to be like, told you so. Super strong power move. I'm so glad we brought this game back.

This is so funny. Oh my God. Yeah. We have more. We have a running document with a bunch more. So we'll do this game again. We're not going to let you guys down. We may as well bring back like all the other ones.

Well, we did a strong that took a turn last week with the murder. I murdered his whole family and I laughed about it. Oh, God. We should do is this weird pandemic edition? Like, because people are seeing weird sides of their partners. Yes. Every week we got to do like some kind of funny pandemic thing. All right.

Well, pretty much all power moves. Just don't get murdered or arrested. Okay, guys. We love you. Be safe. Be safe out there. Yeah, you guys be safe out there. If you have Psycho Power moves, email us hello at Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com.

Our website is Girls Gottoeatepodcast.com. You can go there for tour dates, rescheduled tour dates, merchandise, Girls Gotta Eat Podcast on Instagram, reina.combe, Ash Hess on Instagram, Girls underscore Gotta Eat on Twitter, and YouTube slash Girls Gotta Eat. You can subscribe and check out some videos. And that's it. Yeah. Have as good of a week as you possibly can, guys.

We love you. Guys, we'll see you on week six. Ha ha ha.