Girls Gotta Eat - Friendship Red Flags

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

It's a friendship episode (!!!) and we're covering red flags for toxic friends including jealousy, clinginess, unreliability, "joking" insults, and more. We're also discussing our personal experiences, why so many situations aren't black and white, and how to decide if a friendship is worth saving. Before that, we're chatting about Hinge's voice prompts, Ashley's most irrational fear, the biggest change in Rayna's dating outlook, and the rare phenomenon of (male) exes posting thirst traps that actually work. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more! Thank you to our partners this week: Buffy: For $20 off your Buffy order, visit buffy.co and enter code GGE. Helix: Get up to $200 off all mattress orders + 2 free pillows at helixsleep.com/gge. ThirdLove: Go to thirdlove.com/gge for 20% off your first purchase. HelloFresh: Go to hellofresh.com/gge14 + code GGE14 for up to 14 free meals and 3 free gifts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

People that are just like too familiar too quickly and they're too obsessed with you too quickly. I feel like I was obsessed with you too quickly. You kept your cool though. I couldn't feel it. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. It's just us. My favorite. And Azul?

He's being so sweet today. Oh my God. And he smells nice today. He never smells bad, but he smells extra nice and shiny today. Well, I mean, it's been a journey. Like the merch? Well, when his Zul showed up, he smelled bad. And then they did power wash him.

then he still kind of didn't smell great because his health wasn't really great. So now he's on like amazing food. He's on fish oil. Like his coat looks amazing. I touched that one time those two drag queens stopping the street and they go, nice coat. And I was like, excuse me? They were like, beer dog. Azul and I are both thriving. I'm working out again. Azul and I are both like getting into our like breakup bodies. Oh my soul. Azul's body has always been banging. So, no. He was a little, actually no, he was a little skinny when he showed up and he's just filled out. I mean, he's perfection. Azul and I have revenge bodies. Coming in hot.

My winter bod is a revenge bod. Okay, big day today. Lasha tickets are on sale today. Oh my God. It's happening. We are so excited. So we will be in D.C., San Diego, L.A., San Francisco, Portland, Vancouver, and Seattle. Nailed it. Doing it. We are so excited. We have just

been dying to release these. If you you guys previously had tickets everywhere besides San Francisco. They will be honored. So what is that Portland, Seattle Vancouver? They will be honored. You guys, if you can't come

for whatever reason on the new date, if you need a refund you've 30 days from today, Monday, today to get a refund from the venue. Just call them. Ashley and I do not handle this at all. We handle no ticketing. Contact your point of purchase.

They should be able to refund you. Yes. And I don't know that we've said this before. Maybe we've just glossed over it. If you got tickets from a resale site, we don't know all their policy. and we can't, there's nothing we can do. So if you're like, I contacted where I got the tickets and it's like, well, was it

ticketmaster or was it some like resale tickets.net? Like, I don't know. So, you know, there's just nothing. We truly have nothing to do. You've got to get in touch with them because we don't know their policies. They may be like, yeah, we don't do that. I don't know. So there's just a million different sites out there.

So if it's not one of the ones that was directly linked to from our website, we can't be responsible, is what I'm saying. So just be careful where you guys are getting it from me. sure it's a verified seller. You guys message us sometimes to say, is there a wait list? It's sold out? Can I get tickets? Yeah, if it's sold out, you can get tickets from resale sites, but we don't.

We can't guarantee they're verified. So just be careful. I mean, they're mostly legit. It's just like COVID got crazy. You know, like all these people were trying to get refunds and these sites were like, what? Or they weren't telling people when the shows were rescheduled. I don't know.

So I'm not saying it's like a bad thing to do. I've done it before. I've gotten tickets off resale sites, but you've got to just be cautious. Yeah, be careful in these streets, guys. So you get tickets at girls' guttypodcast.com. under our ticketing website links. So check that out. A couple things.

We are working on coming to Toronto. We're working on Pittsburgh. Girls, I just, you know, I love you. We're working on it. And we just wanted to say Sacramento, we know we have like a really amazing listenership there. We are not going to be able to get there anytime soon. So if you want to come to a show, drive to San Francisco,

we would love to have you there. Yes, I would love to go there. It's just we're doing the best we can and we couldn't squeeze it in this tour. But, I mean, we'd look to make sure it was feasible. to come to somewhere that we are coming because we know you guys want us to come there. And that's going to be that San Fran show. It's going to be wild.

The Masonic, sexy. It is so sexy that venue. I was like, what is this? Bowl? It's very, very hot. It's hot show. Yeah, so come there. Yes.

So we can't wait to see you. We're really, really excited. We have great things happening in the new year. Yeah. Big things happening. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then also while you guys are on the website,

merchandise, we'll be releasing new merch next week. We will hold back some styles, but it's never too soon to buy stuff like we said last week. So Girls' Gettipagest.com. Shop, check out all the merchie, the cool stuff. Yeah. And we had such a good time with you guys in Boston, three sold-out shows at the Wilbur, holiday weekend. I guess it really was a holiday weekend. Confirmed it. So many people dressed up.

I was just blown away by the costumes. People dressed up like a Zool, Dewey, Daily Harvest smoothies. Two girls were mint and cackal smoothies. I was just so, like, they dressed up like our partners. I saw girls with Hello Fresh cards. It was just really special. They had people at signs and they did stuff on the podcast on top of like other really funny costumes.

There was like Guy Fierry. There was girls that were red flags. There was the orange iguanas from Lenton to the Hidden Temple. Such a deep cut. So thank you guys for dressing up. Thank you for coming regardless. But we just brought people up on stage that wearing costumes. And every show was like wild in its own way.

They were all different. We had people come to multiple shows and just have been touching base on stuff that happened after the show, of course. So we just had a great time. And we wanted to thank the dancers. that we had opened the shows, all three shows. They are so incredible. It was a collab between two dance studios in Boston. One is called Bar Groove, and that is where you can like do trampoline, dance cardio. This woman named Alana runs that. She's incredible. And then a momentum dance company,

Momentum Dance Boston, and then Momentum Dance, Massachusetts, I believe. And a friend of the show who has opened the Boston show as a dancer before. Her name's Denea. She's so great. And she put this all together. I mean, with that, with the collaborating with Bar Groove, but they just put this insane performance together. It was so hype. I mean, I did, I did like work on the music. I had, you know, I have a vision always, but they killed it. It was so great. They looked great. They got the crowd going. And so you guys can always take classes there in Boston, Bar Groove and momentum. I mean, I just think I love, like, recommending where people can go, like, dance because I think it's, like, one of the things that makes you feel good and happy and, like, can change your life. Like, getting into dance.

even like later in life. It's hard. It was always hard for me to find like exercise that I like. So dancing was great. The trampolines. Yeah, echo what you said. The shows were so special.

We always love a Boston audience. Thank you to everybody who just like comes to the shows and just like has a positive attitude and wants to just have like a great girl's night or brings your boyfriend to your husband or whoever. Thank you to Delmos and Mike Johnson who made a special appearance on the big screen. It was just really so special and we love being with you guys.

So thank you for making it such a wonderful weekend, holiday weekend. It was. It was a holiday weekend. We stayed at the W right across the street. Can't recommend that hotel enough. Just want to shout up. Best Hotel Fitness Center I've ever seen. I walked in. I was like, what? I would join this gym. Two Peloton. Two Peloton energy is elite. The Belliard in Atlanta has two pelotines, by the way, too. They had a fridge of cold towels. There are very few classes I've ever been to where they hand you a cold towel afterwards. There is nothing like it. It's unbelievable. They had a water machine with infuse. used water. I had a cucumber mint water. Big TVs everywhere. I watched the Clemson game on the Peloton while I sip my cucumber mint water and ended it with a cold towel. Are you serious? You guys, the most like Arie Raina's friend of you, Ashley's friends when we check into hotels. So the first thing I ask is, do you guys have room service? And the first thing actually asks are, is there a Peloton in the gym? It is the first words out of both of our mouths,

because you ordered room service and you're like, this is my first time ordering room service since COVID. And I was like, bitch, every time we check into a hotel, it's the first words out of my mouth. Everybody right now is more rain and his friend. Not a lot of people work out with their vacationing, but this isn't a vacation.

It's a work trip. So I have to get my mind right. You are so right at the desk. You say, is there room service? I go, is there a pelton? I hand them my driver's license and I say, do you guys do room service? It's the first thing out of my mouth

at every hotel. I mean, also, you posted this poll. I was like, I'm not looking at these results. I don't need to see this. But are you more... Have you had the best day of our life? You did have been the best day of our lives. Saturday in Boston was the best day of our lives.

I ordered two entrees. You ordered an entree and a side dish. And a bagel, Raina. Don't shame me for not eating carbs. I ordered an omelet. It was egg weight with toast and potatoes. And I ordered an avocado toast. And I watched Harry Potter in bed from like noon till 5 p.m.

And you ordered yogurt and fruit and allegedly a bagel. And you watched a Twilight series. And it's the funniest, like, are you more Rainier's friend? And you got votes. Sorry, I'm a skinny legend. You got 25% of the vote. Somebody asked me if there was a scenario in which they could do carbs and Twilight. And I was like, I don't know that life either.

Well, I was figuring that. I figured my, the only reason I was getting votes is because I was watching Twilight, not because I was eating fruit in bed. Yeah. Listen, I got to keep my body and check. Like, people are like, how do you, you know, how do you stay fit or whatever? I'm like, I order fucking fruit and go use the pelletide. You really want to know?

No, I splurred here and there. I mean, that night I ate my face off, but I mean, I got to keep it tight on the road because you know me. I'll get like in my feels. Ashley can't have a pasta the night before. She used to go to carbon for dinner the night before. I can't have dairy in the morning. You and I, I think, are very similar in terms of how we eat, though. Like, I think you and I both eat very healthy day to day.

We both like to cook for ourselves. And like, we're on vacation, we splurge. Like, I don't think you and I are like, I can't do it. I'm not going to eat this pizza. Like, I think you and I have very similar mentalities in terms of like how we eat. eat. Well, also, like, we went to Contessa that night, and I knew Contessa is this amazing restaurant, major food group, which is the Carbone food group. We went there that night, had an incredible experience. And I knew we were going to go hard. So I like to show up ready to go. Like, I like to

show up hungry. I don't want to eat a bunch of carbs during the day and then show up and be like, I'm not really that hungry. I want to go in empty stomach, Peloton, like, ready to eat the house down. And we did. We ate the whole house town. That was fine. Even the people that work. they were like, wow, you guys ate it. I'm like, but you gave this to us. No one tried to talk us off this ledge. Remember at Carbone? Like, Melanie's boyfriend was like, wow, he's my favorite person about Diva.

He said something when I finished all those meatballs. He said you, you called you brave. It wasn't brave. It's something like that, though. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah, I can eat a lot, but listen, sometimes you just got to order fruit and lay in bed. Sometimes you do, but I've been working out a lot. So now I can eat whatever I want.

And honestly, I always feel good about it whether I work out or not. whatever I want. But I worked out six days last week and three days this week. And I just find that I feel like mentally a little bit better. I talked about when I work out hot take. So I was obviously feeling a little, I mean, whatever. Everybody like goes through waves after a breakup and some days I was feeling like better than others. It just always feels good to just like work out and get it out. I never get off the bike and like just don't feel better. So somebody asked me, if people ask me this all the time, do you have Peloton? I don't have a Peloton. I have a Nordic track. I'm a Nordic track, which I'm obsessed with.

You can take IFIT. Our friend Izzy is a teacher there. And then I stream everything from my television. So you can stream Peloton for me TV. You can get I Fit on the Nordic track? On the screen? I fit is Nordic track. So I have a big screen on my Nordic track.

You can take Izzy's classes on the screen. I can take it on the screen. I love my Nordic track. That's great. I mean, I would love to take her and Bobby Westside. Like I love their classes. And it's tough to do if I want to take one of their classes in the Peloton, I have to do like a scenic ride and have it like on my phone.

Yep. So if you guys are really wondering, the Nordtrak was cheaper than the Palatown. Peloton, I like it a lot as a great fan that comes out of it. And I can take any classes stream for my television. So that's what I do and I enjoy it. I mean, I'm still team Peloton, but not like they pay me. So whatever. Now like they promoted our episode. Yeah. So I know, I was thinking about that today at yoga, I was like, this is what like makes my body feel good. You like, like, like a hot yoga, your muscles get warm and you just like stretch them out. I'm like,

that's like, that's a secret to me. I used to have some back issues. I was like spent six months and like a chiropractic program because I just couldn't get my back figured out and like once I started getting into yoga and specifically hot yoga never had back problems again. Oh, that's a good tip. Yeah.

I mean, I just, I want to like everybody that, you have body pain, you have like restless leg syndrome, stuff like that. I just feel like it can't hurt. I don't know. It's like a fitness episode. Yeah, all right. Well, I also do three,

I do like three or five pounds weights when I work out too. And it's just like, I'll just do a few wraps, put it down, do a few wraps, put it down. Get back out there. Yeah. I did tell you a funny thing from Boston. And that kind of leads me into something else I want to talk about today, dating app-wise.

So I usually set my app to my hinge to the city where we're going to be just to kind of scope it out, especially just to like know what we're dealing within that city to talk about the show, if anything crazy happens, whatever. And I've recently changed one of my prompts to say my most irrational fear. And I said my most irrational fear is ending up at Rikers. So talks about all the time. So I'm, I know a lot about Rikers. She talks about it constant.

It needs to close. It's like an abomination. It's really bad. It's a really scary place. There is, there's documentaries on it and there's a daily episode, the Daily, the New York Times podcast from a couple weeks ago and just how bad it's getting and how COVID is worse in the situation and how like the mayor city was going to close it. And so then they really didn't do anything to improve it. To improve it. And then still not closed. That was like eight years ago. Whatever. It's really, really bad. And I'm terrified of ending up there. And I know, listen, I know I'm not, I'm not a criminal. But like, I've been to jail a couple times. So it's this fear.

Not prison. It's not prison. It's a jail. That's what I'm saying. Rikers is where people are awaiting trial. Oh, I don't know. It's not a prison, but it's where people go in the interim.

Every time you say this, it scares me because I'm like, if you go to jail, I'm going to jail. It's not some, like, prison. So I could technically, something could happen. Like what? What are you going to do? I don't know.

That's not true. You've never even been to jail. I've been to jail multiple times. So that's why it's an arrest. rational fear. Hear me, that's the, that's the prompt. My most irrational fear is ending up at Rikers. So anyway, but little known fact about me, I am weirdly invest in Rikers.

And I know a lot. You know, when I first started to be interested in like a scared way was the night of, which that show was just amazing. Still one season? We never got another one. Well, because COVID happened and then that was day. It was years ago. You know, I'm realizing?

I have an old apartment. Do you know how many shows I'm realizing? Like, I don't remember what happened because it was two years. I had to rewatch the season finale. of insecure and succession. Yeah. And there's a lot of articles about that, too, that say, like, you guys haven't seen this in two years.

So here's a recap. Which is kind of nice. To go back, you get an extra episode. I watched that, yeah, it's like, insecure. I did the same thing. And I was kind of like, oh, I got another half hour of television viewing. But the night of was an HBO show that I can't recommend enough. And that was when I first was like, what is this terrifying place?

Right. So when I changed my hinge to Boston, people were like, why would you be scared of that? This guy goes, how would you end up? there. Like, it's in New York. This guy goes, how would that ever happen? And then this other guy goes, what are you doing that you're scared of ending up there? It's so funny because they're like, you live five hours from that jail. Why would you ever

end up there? It was just a very funny thing that guys would be like, what is this bitch doing that she's scared of ending up in jail in New York? Same answer I have. I'm like, what is this bitch doing? People in Boston are like, you have to go all the way there. That is so funny. It was just funny. They like outed me. from my thing. But while we were talking about Hinge, I did want to say something that I've gotten tagged in hundreds of times is that Hinge now has these voice prompts. So you can record your voice. Listen, I'm not out here trying to promo Hinge all the time. You know, we did a whole episode with them and they never even said thank you. It's fine. They don't really promo us. So it's like,

I didn't want to be like, oh my God, it's the best app ever. Of course I use it. And I like I like it. But I do feel like we need to address it because they probably got the idea from us. I feel like a lot of people scale our ideas. I never heard anybody talking about voice catfishing, told me. I'm a pioneer. No, I've never heard of it before. I swear somebody had heard that episode and they were like, we should do voice props. I think it's brilliant.

I mean, I think we came up with it and obviously, no. I do like that because it took me years of dating on the apps to realize that that happens and like how can you avoid that and you don't really want somebody to call you in the phone necessarily. Some people do and I think a pre-phone call is fine, but like you kind of just want to hear somebody's voice. You want to hear the tone of their voice, the cadence, like how they talk, how they sound. And I love that they're doing this. I don't know how many people who are doing it. It seems like something I can picture a lot of guys just not doing unless they knew they had a sexy voice.

That's true. You know what I mean? Like an average guy, and especially if you know your voice isn't great, you're not doing it. You know what I think would be very funny if a guy did like a funny, like a he was saying or did something, said something funny. Like an impersonation. He said some line from the office or something. I think it would be like funny. Okay.

No, I like that. I mean, it's just like a good way to hear like tone and cadence, right? Yeah, I just, I love it. No one else, no other apps doing this that I'm aware of. I just so many people sent that to me, and I hope more people will, like, get into it. And I think if you have, like, a sense of humor, you can make it really funny. How long can it be? I don't know.

Let's see if we can hear it? Can you tell, can you tell, can you tell, can you tell a joke? You know, I'm going to go in there and just be like, I'm off the deep. Right, like, can you sing a song? You can sing a song for sure. Okay. Like, I'm curious how long this is. I haven't seen, I haven't seen one yet.

I feel like they're kind of a rarity. I feel like a guy that I'd be really into would be like, That guy looks like Brad from sex life bisexual. Okay, from Dallas. I don't even care. Oh, watch you suck a dick. That guy is so hot. That guy is so hot.

I feel like I would want it to be like five minutes and I would want to hear you tell like a whole joke, like a whole joke set. I wonder. Well, look, let me do 30 seconds. Okay. Oh, that's it? Okay, 30 seconds. I could do a good impersonation.

I can tell a joke in 30 seconds. You don't want to be too try hard. Not you. I'm just in general. Right. So I think that if it was five minutes, people would be here, like, popping off the whole life story. I am going to go ahead and assume that a lot of people feel weird about doing this. You know what I mean? Like, a lot of people would clam up. They wouldn't know what to say. You want to kind of be funny and cute, but you don't want to be try hard. Like, I don't know what the perfect thing is. Like, it's a 30 second voice recording?

Like, what would it be? You don't want to sound too sexy. Like, that guy that sent me that voice memo of like, hey, girl, I would love to get to know you. Like, what is the perfect thing to do here? I feel like 90% of people will tell you that they hate the sound of their own voice. Like when we started the podcast, that's a good call. Like, I think that the only people using that feature are people who everyone tells them they have a great voice. Because like, listen, I don't have a problem with my voice. I think it's fine.

But like, it took me a while to, like, acclimate to my own voice when we started the podcast. Like, I don't think a lot of people are like, I love my own voice. Yeah, I do like mine. But literally not until someone told me. Like, I used to do this TV segment. in Atlanta and I didn't like to watch it back and hear my voice. But the first time I did this, I was on the Burt show in Atlanta. I did some like relationship panel so many years ago when someone was like, you have a good radio voice. And I was like, what? And I feel like it was like the Nicki

bit where one man tells you you're good at something. Like one man told her she was good at comedy. Well, good comedy. And she was like, I'll do that forever. Like I felt like it was like some radio exec was like, you have a good voice. And I was like, really? I'll start a podcast. You know what I mean? Like, I think that, like, clicked of people being like, you sounded good this morning in the radio. Like, a lot of people were saying it. And I was like, really? Like, someone has to tell you.

Yeah, one guy told me I was going to suck a dick and I made it my mission for life. Listen, high tip, every guy tells you that you're the best blow job they've ever gotten. Okay, in my case, they meant it. But yeah, at 23, someone probably was like, that's the best blow job you ever gotten. And I was like, this is what I'm going to do the rest of my life. Forever.

I suck dick now. I like my voice, like, normal talking lower. Sometimes it gets really high during. like a stand-up clip and I'm like, who, yikes. What are the things I like to read you say? I like to hear you do the calm recordings. There's something else I really like, oh, Tushy. I like to hear you do the Tushy and sprays your back team with fleshbow.

Just as I just can get loud and I'm like, Ashley, take it down on a notch. Like I have this clip on my Instagram right now where I yell the word anal and it is like rebecca. Anal! Yeah, I can hear you. Yes, it's awful. Someone said they were watching it and it gets so loud. someone was in the city MD getting a COVID test and the whole waiting room dessert.

Ada! People may not like my new. Like this guy I used to date the other day told me that my Lisp was sexy. He was like, I think it's like I like your, I used to have a whole like thing of soup Instagram stories where I really talk about soup, which is very list. And he loved to watch him. He's like, I just like love your list. I think it's like so sexy and like soft. It's not a real list.

People would say. It's a softer one. But people, some people would like really not like that. Okay. I have more stuff to talk about. Really quick. Everybody wants an update on the guy from months ago at this point who goes to me after the date. I don't care about talking about anything besides this. Hear me out.

Remember the show that I met him at? Uh-huh. Natalie Cuomo show. Yeah. I'm doing it again this month. So I'm returning to the scene of the crime. So I have a question. If there's any time there could be a reunion, I'm sure he's steering clear, but I'm just saying like it's funny that I'm going back to the.

Are you on the line up on the website? Yeah, I will be. Yeah. Okay. So he probably won't come. Everybody's going to come to this. We should tell them not to put you on the lineup. That's a good call.

Don't. Just like bait him into coming. And then you're like a surprise person on the lineup. That would be so funny. I can't see him coming back to the scene of the crime. But like, what if he showed up and I wasn't on the lineup? And I just saw him and I was like, surprise bitch! I'm going to come to the show.

I'm, all I think about is this guy. It's all I care about. I have nothing going on in my life. I have to know who he is. But anyway, yeah, so I will be in the room where it happened. People come out to me at the stand and they're like, is there any update? And I'm like, it happened right there.

I feel like they're on like a tour. They're like a president of museum. It's like this was Nelson Mandela's presence of cell. This is a hell at Rikers. I wrote my first memoir. Is there any, I guess there isn't. There's no video of him. Like you can't see him.

him and the video at all. We barely got the video that we have, which thank God. Shouted to Pat for doing that. Okay, I was something I wanted to chat with you about. Listen, you said you had nothing for this intro and I was like, don't worry. I haven't had anything for the intros in weeks. Okay. Something happened to me that has never really happened to me before. Okay. I already kind of told you, but I wanted to chat with you about this on air. Okay. I saw a photo of a guy I used to date on Instagram and was like, wow, wildly turned on, wanted to reach out. Mm-hmm. So, The point I'm trying to make is that's never really happened to me before. I think there's a lot of reasons why.

I think a lot of guys I date glow down afterwards or I just think they're awful and could never be turned on by them again. Totally. This thing with this guy ended fine. We had great sex. So like we're still cool. I also think guys don't post a lot of like, I don't date guys who are like influencers. They're not posting like model shots.

A lot of guys I have dated don't have social media presence or they just post like silly funny stuff or very rarely they're posting some hot photo themselves. This was just kind of the perfect storm of the right type of person, the right type of photo. and I have never had that happen before and it got me thinking that that happens to guys all the time because I mean you look at my Instagram right now it's thirst trap city it's like me with like my legs out and wearing short things and like I mean I'm just feeling myself

it's not for any other reason then because like I feel like I'm working out a lot and I'm proud of it but I think women are just more inclined to do that and men don't really matter like what's really like thirsty sexy shot I could do unless they're like influencers which I'm not attracted to that's why I'm saying this is never having me before So it got me thinking of like, oh my God, this happens to guys all the time. So one of the very first times we really fully this clicked because I didn't used to really

post a lot of thirst traps, probably in the only recent years I do more. I'm all about it. But like this guy had kind of like confessed his love for me and we were chatting about with Jared Freed and it clicked that the day he'd sent out was this day I posted a bikini photo. I rarely posted a bikini photo and I had posted one. And we were like, it was the photo. And then I always from that moment when something would happen with a guy where he would

kind of reach out, I would realize it was what I posted on Instagram. And again, it's called a thirst trap for a reason. Aren't you trying to trap him in the first place? But like, I always am so aware of it. And it usually does kind of work like clockwork. If there's like a guy kind of in your orbit or he's like a pseudo-X or you guys kind of say in touch and you post that photo, they come back in. You drop them. Men are so easy. But I had never felt that before. Okay, but did you text him? I don't think I know that. I just DMed him. Like, listen, I saw this photo. Okay. Sometimes I forget to check it on Ashley's exit. Like I just like we were busy for a couple days and I forgot to stock all of your exes.

That's, we're talking about friendship date. That's how you know you're a true friend. You're stocking their exes. We both stock each. I mean, we don't, you have less to stock than I do. But stocking my exes are one of your, probably your main hobbies. I stock your exes more than mine. One of my exes, one of my main exes is married.

I mean, I still like looking at it because his life is so weird. But yeah. Yeah, your exes are way more fun to stock. They just serve so much more. And they are the gift that keeps giving. I was, I was stocking him while. I was stalking while I was in bed on Saturday. And I was like, holy shit.

He almost trapped me. Right is like, I got to tell you, I DM'd him too. No. Like, it does have a nice dick. It stopped me in my scroll. It stopped me. So we will message sometimes flirtily. And flirtily, is that a word?

Something that came up on my feed that I didn't DM him right after I saw the photo. But later that day or it was the next day, I sent him a funny, like, the joke that was like kind of joking about how we used to. hook up and we'll go back and forth for a minute. That's your main line of joking with each other. We used to fuck. It'll go back and forth for a couple things. It's like a fun.

It's like a dopamine hit. It's fine. Neither of us are probably ever going to hook up again. I'd be down. I'd be down after the photo. So I just was like, this is a very funny thing that I've never had happened and happens to guys all the time. Guys see that photo

and they're like, and you think men are so simple-minded that works for them, but it works me. Well, I mean, first of all, I think you and I serve masculine. Masculine. I'll get there. Masculine. We serve mescaline energy. That's a drug. That's when you're a restaurant concept. I think you and I serve some masculine energy sometimes. But I just don't think there's a lot of guys out there like posting. This was like a really sexy shot. Like it just, listen, guys don't post stuff like that a lot.

I think that when Jared mentioned that, I always keep that in mind when guys come back in. It's not that they thought about you, heard a song that reminded them of you. It's that they saw your fucking bikini picture. This guy, like, basically told you he, like, wanted to be with you. It was, like, very intentional. He was like, I want to make this work. You're, like, amazing. He had a lot of details on why, how much he liked it.

And how you were going to make it work. And then, like, that was the last we heard of first. Well, then I touched base the following Tuesday, and that's when he hit us back with the whole, like, I'm just really busy right now. My fish is sick. And my sister's nephews, you know. I got to tell you. So we are coming up on our.

200th episode. And people ask all the time, like, how did this podcast change your life? And I will say, like, probably, like, top three biggest ways has changed my relationship life is like, it's not even like, I have no tolerance to that behavior. I'm such a bad bitch. It's just like, I find it just so unattractive. Like, anybody that acts like that, I just never think about them again. I'm just like, if you're not going to show up when you say you are, if you're not going to be intentional, if you're not going to just like do the right thing, I'm just not into you. I don't think about it. I don't like marinate over it. I don't sit at it. I don't sit at home and like wait for you to text me.

I like could not find that less attractive and less interesting. It just, it doesn't come into my airspace. I just don't care about it. And that's probably like one of the biggest, most important ways this podcast changed my life. I love that you said that. I will say I think I had a little bit more

that coming in. I think I just was like. You already a little bit like that. I was like that. I agree. If you don't like me, I don't like you since day one. I've watched you change in that way. I feel like there was a guy that you liked that was like playing games and doing all the bullshit and you still were kind of like into him and going for it. I was like shaking you like, Rana, come on. This is, fuck this.

This is like, this guy's just stringing you along and jerking you around. Like, what are you doing? Why are you still? And it just took you a minute to like fully get to that point. It's like the, it's the best feeling in the world to be like actually turned off by that behavior. You're not self-talking yourself out of it. You're literally like, oh, no. This happened recently with a guy that I was kind of, whatever.

It's not important. But like, I was like, ew. Like, it just felt game playing and like a lot, kind of, dishonest. I was like, oh, I'm massively turned off. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's true. It was recently. And I think that, like, you and I've had to have more conversations earlier on of friendship of being like, don't be upset by this. It's not a reflection on you. You were just like, I don't, this is not going to sit with me all day. I don't care. Like, I don't like this behavior. It's gross and weird. And I'm just never going to think about it again.

Like, there's no reason to respond to people like this. It doesn't sit with me. I don't think, like, well, what if I can just change them a little bit? No. I just don't care. And you're right. In the very beginning, I got this guy who I was like, I thought he could be like the one. I was like so obsessed to him. I let him like roll all over me and just like shit all over me. And like it really sat with me for a long time. Now I like I would give that guy five minutes of my life.

Yeah. So yeah, that's I think one of the biggest things this show is given me. And I think that's inspirational in that if you're still a person that is like, God, I wish I could be more like you guys. I wish I could be so turned off by this behavior. But I keep falling into it and I keep falling for this guys.

It's okay. You can change, especially if you're young. We all liked that. weird chase bullshit when we were younger. I mean, a lot of it's attachment style too, but like you can grow out of it and you can get to a point. Rain is like a perfect example of like putting up with stuff three years ago that you would never put up with today. I also think that like, yeah, as you grow up, like you just realize the difference between

like, yeah, like a secure love and an anxious love. And I think when I was younger, I hadn't been in like a really solid relationship. So you don't even know what it looks like. So you're like, this is probably what it feels like, you know? I have a friend that like recently went through Brigham. She was like, am I ever going to find something better? And I was like, better than this shit that you were dealing with? Yes.

You weren't even happy. Yeah, you weren't even happy. So it was just a body. Yeah, a lot of people are just like, it was just a person. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So anyways, what if I've taken us like really, really made a hard right here. But yeah, I mean, it's a friendship episode today, guys.

I had one quick wreck and then we'll do our thing. It's very quick. Music wreck. Oh. So a lot of people ask me, well, not a lot of people. I posted something recently on my reels and on my TikTok and people were like, where is this mix from? And so I find that a lot of people don't know what this is.

And I was only new to it like in the spring. And it's two guys, they're DJs, I guess. There's like a DJ duo called Two Friends. And they do these things called Big Booty Mixes. So they've had 20 now at this point. Big Booty 20 just dropped. You're on the fence about it. I love it.

It's just, it's like if you're an elder millennial, you remember Girl Talk or White Panda from back in the day. It's all these songs mashed up. They change really quickly. They're all blended together in a good way. I'm obsessed with them. I heard them at Stephanie's at the wedding. The girls were getting ready with that.

The bridesmaids were getting ready. It was playing in the house. My brother likes them too. But it's just quick moving mashup music. I love their mixes. They play movie clips and like sound bites here and there that I find really interesting. And they're like, I'm obsessed with listening to it on a long drive because it keeps me like alert and like going

and it's like constantly changing. I don't really want to listen to it on the dance for because like I want to get in a groove. But it would be fun at like a party. So big booty mixes. they get taken down off Spotify from time to time. You just got to search it. They're on Instagram. They're on TikTok.

Two friends. They're verified. See where their links are. You can always find them on Spotify. But sometimes you'll see all the mixes and it'll be gone. You've got to search for it a different way. Make sure you're following them. It's always kind of like a little bit of a scavenger hunt if they're currently down from

Spotify for whatever reason. But I've just been listening to them a lot. And sometimes I'm in the car with people and put it on. And our driver to Boston, he was like, Ashley, what was that mix? I was like, big booty mix, gondo? It's so funny you have a music rack because it's like such your corner of the world. Like I will never show up.

We can do this show for 10 more years. I will never have a music rack because I just, listen, I like like American Top 40, okay? Anything that's on Kiss FM. No, you're, you're. I do like reggaeton. Regaton. Anything like Bad Bunny.

If I want Raina to be, if I'm playing something and I can tell she's not feeling it like Big Booty Mix, I will put on, I'll put on bad bunny radio. Yeah, that's why I listen to Pipple Radio at home. I listened to Daddy Yankee Radio, Bad Bunny. Rina has watched a Daddy Yankee concert on her TV.

At home. I told Ashley that the other day. I did. I watched his concert. It was in Puerto Rico. I watched it during COVID by myself. It was great. Also, booty is spelled IE.

Big B-O-O-T-I-E mix. Find it two friends. I have no new racks. I'm just going to co-send with it last week, which is insecure. I watched both episodes last night. And I loved it. Season 11 of CERB is.

I'm never more convinced that Larry David. lives inside of me. And I, you said this. And it is so funny. And it's like the funniest self-aware thing, because like most of you wouldn't be like, yeah, everything annoys me inside of my head. And you just like came out with it. It made me laugh so hard when you said it. So Larry David, A, I've hung out with him. He's amazing. He's wonderful. He's kind. He's kind. He's down to earth. He's like, you know, he's this kind of like jerk on the show. I don't know how he just, he's annoyed a lot. And he's content to be a jerk. He speaks out about it. I've realized that not everybody knows curb your enthusiasm as a show. And season 11,

episodes so far are amazing. I think that if you've ever seen the show, you could very easily start with season 10. You'll miss some things here and there. You'd be like, who is that? Then you find out it's his ex-wife. I mean, you'll pick up on it. You don't need to watch like every season. Of course, you can binge every season. I think that you guys should. But I think that you could start from scratch. Season 10 starts with the Spite Store. I watch it during quarantine. It is one of the best seasons. I'd be like season 10 is the best season. Now season 11 is going to be even better. It just makes me laugh out loud. I don't laugh out loud a ton watching TV. If you guys like don't know who that is, and we were a younger audience.

Larry Dever created the Seinfeld. And the show was on for years, like almost a decade and then was off the air for what? Like almost another decade. Curb, right? Curb. Yes, yes. I mean, there's so many seasons.

Yes. Yes. It wasn't on, like season 10, I want to say. I forget 9 or 10 was the newest season. But that's what I'm saying. You could start, like, I didn't watch it for years or something. It was on TV. Okay, that makes sense.

And then you can find on HBO, by the way. And then I started watching season 10 during the quarantine. And I was like, the spite story. is my exact vibe. Okay, but anyway, so you were explained, you were like, he's just like everything annoys him, he's in his head, like, all the time. You're like, I don't think other people are like this.

And it made me laugh so hard. I don't know that everyone is as irritated at everything like I am. And, like, how I get so loud and worked up. Like, I am Larry Dave. Sometimes I can't, like, match how annoyed you are about stuff. But I will say my mom has said about me, my whole lay, Not everybody has something to say about everything all the time,

Rainy. It's something negative to say about everyone and everything all the time. So maybe that's why we vibe. We just want to talk shit on everything. But yeah, no, Larry and I have shared guac together. At Dos Camino's. He said it was the best guanqu he's ever had.

I'm like, at Dos Camino. I've never been more jealous of a night my whole life. Very few things I'm jealous of. And it's the night you spent with Larry David. Okay. Let's get to this discussion. Friendship. Friendships.

I'm really always excited to talk about friendships. Obviously, this is a relationship podcast. And friendships are an important relationship. And we asked you guys what is a toxic relationship to you and what are red flags. And I mean, you and I are, we always say this, we have so many long-term friendships. But I also have friendships that have like fizzled for whatever reason. You know, just because I have what I would say are really healthy friendships in my life doesn't mean that I don't have like a lifetime of growing apart from people or toxic friendships in my life.

And I certainly think I've gotten better at dealing with it. I wasn't always, you know. I, you know, this is like where I thrive. And I think like my mom, I don't know anybody that has more friends as a seven-year-old, 69-year-old woman than my mom. Like she's got all friends. She's got friends that she grew up with. She's got her sorority sisters. She's got her friends.

She made new best friends when she was like 50. Like she's just so good at making friends. I feel like it's like where I get it from. Like, yeah, I've lost friends throughout the years. I've drifted apart from people. I've cut people off. But for the most part, like this is what I'm good at is friendships, keeping friendships, making friends.

Uh-huh. You know what I mean? And I feel like that's my most successful types of relationships. Do you feel like you're always really good at it? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And I feel like I realized at a young age, like in grade school, that I wasn't the prettiest girl, that all the boys were going to want to date.

But I did realize friendships were something that I really wanted and that were important. I wanted to do the sleepovers, not have girlfriends around all the time. And people thought I was funny. So I played into that and just made friends pretty easily. And I've always been outgoing. So I had that going for me. But also just in general, I recognize people that I don't like and I don't hang out with them. You don't have to like everybody.

You know what I mean? Like there's billions of people in the world. You don't have to like everybody. You don't have to spend time with people that you don't like or make you feel bad. And so I think I'm quick to know if I want to spend time with somebody. Like I think I have a good gauge on like, that's a girl I'd be friends with. That's a guy I'd be friends with. That's somebody I don't want in my, like that's somebody's energy I don't want around me.

I have gotten, if you're somebody that's like, I'm not good at any of this. Like there's hope for you. Because when I was growing up, I would say I'm not somebody to prioritize female friendships as much. I was much more guy crazy. I was really boy crazy. Having this huge group of girlfriends was never like the number one priority in my life the way it is today. And recognizing like love bombing from friends or people that are toxic or people that

like everybody else has a problem with but they seem to vibe with you. I was not great at like identifying that right away and walking away from it. And I mean, I've said this in the podcast. I've always struggled with like drawing boundaries with friends. But like those are things you guys have always struggled with like it just, it can get better. Another example of Raina's growth. Guys, I've just gotten better.

But I have certainly gotten better at boundaries as I've gotten older and communicating them. And being able to say also just because it didn't used to be a boundary, doesn't mean it isn't now. I've gotten much better at identifying. This person seemed to have a toxic relationship with everybody around them, kind of steer clear. And just distancing myself in general. I think those conversations become better as you become older. I used to be terrified to tell somebody like, I don't like the way you're talking to me or the way you're acting. and I've just gotten better at it.

So you guys ask all the time, like, how do I make friends? I feel like I've moved to a new city. I can't find friends. Like, it can change it better just because you weren't always good at it. Yeah. And we've done a couple episodes in this, like really early on. We did an episode called All the Single Ladies, like in 2018, like that summer, which had some more making friends tips.

And then this friendship is over about friend breakups in August of 2019. And then there's an episode called Girl Code. And then we've had guests on to talk about friendships and stuff too. But, you know, I think that it's always such a good message that people change. You know, I think this episode, if you hear something and you're like, wait a minute, you're saying that's a red flag, but I do that. It's like, okay, well, if it doesn't apply to you, you shouldn't be offended by it. And also, if you are offended by it, maybe you want to rethink your life and change.

Like, I just think that everybody's a work in progress. I think some people are who they are forever. But I think sometimes, like, some of this stuff you can outgrow. Some of this stuff you could separate with somebody and you can come back together and they could have changed. You could have changed. You know, a lot of the stuff is not definitive. But it is red flags and some things that are signs of, like, toxic.

type of people, not to say that those people could never change. But yeah, I'm also not out here looking at friends with potential. Like at this age, you are who you are. I'm not looking at somebody that's got a bunch of toxic traits and was like, I can change them. I'm not about that life. With a friend or friends, you can have a million friends. Yeah, yeah. And I do look at friendships similarly to how I look at romantic partners in a sense that like I'm able to look at a person and say to myself, is this a one-off situation? Is this, are you a good person at the core? And this is just a couple things I don't necessarily like in relation to me. Or are you just somebody like I don't fuck with?

And there's different levels of that. Like maybe you're just untrustworthy a little bit or you're flaky and maybe you can't be a close friend of mine. Maybe you're a bad person. Yes. You know, and I feel like that with romantic partners too, like I feel like with a romantic partner you can say to yourself, is this something worth going to therapy for with your partner or is something I can never change?

You can say that with a friend too. Is it something I can never change? Fine. Then you don't, then you don't fuck with that person. There's a world of friends you can have. It's an infinite world full of friends. And we talked about like friendship breakups and how they're like so, so painful.

And you can marinate over those things for years. It is just as horrible sometimes as a romantic breakup. Because those people just know you inside and out and it feels so terrible. But I just don't think that any of us should have people in our lives. We walk away from interactions with them. We feel bad about ourselves. Yeah.

And at the same token, we always say this. We say a million times, not a hot take on the show, that friendships can run their course. And you don't need to feel guilty if you decide that this friendship is over and you've been friends forever. Like, just because you have a past, doesn't mean you have a future. Like, you can, friendships can end and you don't miss them ever. That's fine.

The friendship was over. It was probably over before. It actually was officially over. And I mean, at this stage in my life, I kind of know if I'm going to vibe with somebody or not. But I guess I've kind of separated myself from some people in the last four or five years because of their values, honestly. And like, I'll give an example.

This isn't saying that everybody's political views need to lineup with mine, but I'm not going to be friends with somebody who's a fucking anti-vaxxer because they get their information from Facebook. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not, that's not a, that's a whole other world, like a personality type. And I don't want to be with somebody that holds really antiquated patriarchal views as a society or his racist or anything like that. But I mean, I've had this girl, she's a more casual friend. I kind of separated away from her during like the 2016 election. I just, you know, felt like I just didn't want to be around at times. We're so tense. And then we did kind of start to see each other a little bit more.

And the thing that put me over the edge was a couple years back when all the families were getting separated at the border. It was so heartbreaking and so horrific we talked about at length on this podcast. I saw her retweet something that said, like, well, if you don't want your family to get ripped apart, don't try to come into our country. And I was stunned. I was like, I'm done. I'm done with this person. I was on the fence about them anyway. Like, you don't have any empathy.

Like, we're not on the same team when it comes to values human life, you know, because I'm happy to have healthy debates and people disagree. and I'm happy to learn from people that have different life experience and ways of thinking. But that's kind of where I draw the line and where in this age those are the things that have kind of separated me from people

and I don't think that's bad. I don't think it's bad at all and I don't think you owe people the explanation either unless they're really pushing you for it. Like there's just people that you can just be like, I'll be happy to tell them if they really ask. Yeah, I mean, they really push you. Like, I don't think that's that terrible thing to say.

I don't feel like our morals and our values align. Yeah. I can give you more information if you'd like, but I'd kind of prefer not to have to. Yeah. And you can separate yourself. people and you can also try to educate them and give up if it doesn't work. Like people think am I overreacting?

And I'm like, I don't think so. I don't want to be friends with somebody that's like a conspiracy theorist and gets their news from like randos on Facebook that sell essential oils. I don't want that in my life. I don't know. You're not a freak for being like, can I cut this person out of it? No, you can. A hundred percent.

I think overreacting is very subjective. It's like what somebody tells you you're sensitive. Am I or you just being a jerk? Like, am I overreacting? I don't know. Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you not like what this person stands for? you feel like this person judges you all the time?

No, I don't think you're overreacting. I think you don't like how you feel about how this person is, and you're welcome to not be their friend. It's not, they're not a parent. They're not irreplaceable. Yeah. You know, you can make new friends.

Right, exactly. And then there's just other friendships that, like, we've talked about that you just sort of grow apart from the person. And, like, there's no reason that you can't come back together. But I think that you start to feel this, probably in your late 20th, 30s, is that your friend start to have kids. And I have, like, a really good friend who was incredibly close to me from the age of, like, 15 until 30.

And I just felt like she had kids. that was all she cared about. And the whole relationship felt really one-sided. I was always the first person to reach out. I was always the one to text. I was always the one to make the plans. I had to go to her. It felt more personal than just having kids and being a little busy because you

and I started the podcast and I would send her episodes and say, I would really love if you listen to this. And she just wouldn't and she wasn't like engaging with anything that I was saying. And I felt like, okay, maybe this relationship ran its course. Maybe she just wants mommy friends. maybe she just wants somebody who lives near her in the suburbs, who's going to gymnastics with her kids. And that's fine too.

And it was like hurtful. And if she ever asked me what happened, I'd be happy to tell her. But I felt like this was very one-sided. I have plenty of friends that have children that I'm extremely close with them. I'm extremely close with their children. You and I both do. And so it didn't feel like she just had kids.

Right. It just felt tremendously one-sided and she wasn't interested. And I don't miss the friendship. Like you said, I just, I don't, if she ever called me, I would be happy to talk to her. But I think it's also fine to be like, maybe we drifted apart for whatever reason. You can ask, but I don't miss it.

And I don't really care. I feel like I gave you ample opportunities to be on my side and to even try to like make plans with you. You didn't want to do it. So I just had to let it go. Yeah. Okay, we have so much stuff to get into. What do, are we just want to like go back and forth

and some things we feel passionate about? Oh my gosh, yes. Okay. We both feel so passionate about this. Oh, my God. when people neg you or insult you or say mean-spirited things and they say like, oh, I'm just joking or like, I'm just being honest or that's just who I am. Like fully like say really shitty stuff.

And then they try to be like, oh my God, you can't take a joke or I'm just honest. I just speak my mind. You're an asshole. People that I feel the need to tell you all the time, like I just tell it like it is. I just say that's what it is. Nine times at a 10, you're just an asshole. People that I've never had to say, I just tell it like it is. I've never had to say that.

You've never had to say that. Like, I don't brag about that kind of character trait. Like, you can be the kind of person that's a little more honest. I think that you are probably, like, the top of the most honest, that you will call somebody out for their behavior. But you're not out of here being like, I just tell it like it is. If you can't take it, ha, ha, ha, ha. Or just, like, like, like, insults.

Like, we know this girl. I have a few mutual friends with her. We had a mutual friend that cut her off because she was a bitch. And then I had one friend that's, still kind of holding on to the friendship. And she's such a dick to her. She's like, she'll send me screenshots of this girl. And I'm like, I've told y'all she's a bitch.

Why are you still hanging out with her? And I think our one friend who's friends with her is kind of like, but she's in the group and yada yada. And it finally got so out of control. It's just so judgmental, kind of sludge shame sometimes. But it's so hypocritical. Like, it's just, she's the worst, I think. And finally, my friend who was still friends with her was like, hey,

if I'm going to continue being around you, you know, I don't judge you for the way you live your life. And I feel like you're constantly throwing shade to me, insulting me, making judgments. Like, you gotta stop or this friendship is over. Because I don't do that to you and I don't want to be treated this way. And she really finally like spoke up and said something and gave her a chance to try to redeem herself, which I think is respectable.

Yeah, I think so too. I think that, and I use this with family members and significant others too. Like, I think it's always healthy. If you're going to use like the phrase like you always do this or this is something you never do, I always just come with examples and say here's three or four things that done. I don't like it. You know, and I promise you, people like this specifically that you're like, does anybody else feel like this? Yes, everybody feels like this about this person. Yeah, heard it from other people before. They've heard it from people in their lives. If you think

that this person is the kind of person that's always nagging, always just nasty as something shitty to say, other people have told them to. And I'm sure that you're not in the minority. And also, I think that we're all afraid to draw these boundaries because we're like, you know, what if they say something terrible to me? Okay, what if a person you think is an asshole says something terrible to you, then you get to stop being their friend. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're allowed to draw boundaries and not like the way that you feel when you're around

somebody. Somebody that's just like, they just constantly like steal your joy. Like anybody that, I mean, I think that it's all boils down. I'm hesitant to ever accredit something to jealousy. But like somebody that can't be happy for you, can't be your hype man. Like, you just feel like they're never really proud of you. They're just jealous or they're bitter. And like, there's no reason to have that kind of energy in your life.

Yeah, and everybody has bad days. You know, hurt people, hurt people. Sometimes people can snap. I mean, you and I have fought before because one of us has said some asshole thing, but it's not a pattern and it's kind of rare. And so I think everybody gets a chance, you know, to know if this is like an isolated incident or you were just having a bad day or, you know, I'm not proud of everything that's ever left my mouth or everything I've ever done in my life.

So I think people are always welcome to get a heads up of like how they're being perceived. But when it's like a pattern and you're like, I think this person is just a dick. Like I think they're like not kind. Like that's what it boils down to me. I think it's easy to tell if someone's really truly kind. Not nice. They're different words. Like a kind person.

You know what I mean? If you have that going for you, like we can work through some of the other shit. But, you know. It's a good point actually. I have like two people in my life. I would say one I feel like it's sort of negative. And the other one I feel like sort of necks me.

But I do feel like both of them at their core are kind, good people. And so I am willing to give them a pass every once in a while. If I don't like something they say, I always try to have them mirror my behavior. I feel like sometimes maybe it's like the joking and the teasing has gone out of control. I try to mirror it by like stopping doing that or being overly proud of them. I do try.

But I just think we all deserve to walk away from interactions with friends feeling good about themselves and feeling like we are supported. The person is a hype man for you, that they're proud of you. I mean, some of our best friends in the world who we talk to every single day to listen to the podcast every Monday. A lot of them like Kate, Melanie, Emily, Dara, a lot of our like very close friends that have a direct line to me every day in the week. So listen to the podcast and like that means the world to me that somebody would want to be my hype

man when like they've already heard me say all this shit. They have had a decade plus of friendship with me. And I still feel like they want to come to our live shows. They want to listen to what we have to say. And like that means the world to me. There are friendships that like that that exist. And I want to feel like even if somebody is struggling, they're still proud of me. And that they're like a hype man for me.

want to feel like that. We all deserve to walk away from friendship situations, feeling like the person is on your side and on your team. And if you constantly feel bad when you're with somebody and you walk away from situations, you're like, they're so negative. I want, like, you don't need to be with that person. Yeah, like a dark cloud. I mean, that's what it boils down to that came up over and over and the answers that you guys provided as well. It was like, how do you feel when you leave an interaction with this person? Same with dating. How do you feel? You feel anxious? You you feel upset? You feel insulted. I mean, I'd love to talk a little bit more about this like jealousy thing. because I think that, yeah, some people are jealous and competitive and I don't really want it in my life.

And you can feel it and you know what that feels like. There's also healthy jealousy and healthy competitiveness. I'm a little naturally competitive. I'll admit it. But I think there's also another side of a person who throws their accomplishments or whatever in your face. And you're like, I'm not jealous, but this person's kind of an asshole. Like, I think it's about reading the room a little bit. you're in the same world as somebody you both do stand-up comedy, for example.

And one person's getting far ahead and all they fucking do is brag about and talk about the money they're making and the achievements that they're getting. Like, there's a point where you can share what's going on your life without kind of like in a braggadocious way. Like, what if your friend is struggling with their weight and all you can talk about is like how thing you feel and how good you look and how much you're working out? Like, why would you do that too? You know, I think it goes both ways with friends.

I think that like true friends, read the room on that shit. I think there can be an air of like, oh, this person makes me feel bad. about myself because I feel like they're trying to make me feel bad about myself. Like just I think it goes both ways. So neither of the thing. Neither of are good. That is something I think I'm more willing to try to correct and just bring back to center than other like the people that like nag me all the time. If somebody's just being like really braggadocious and I'm having like a hard time and I do, I've always said this podcast like like when my fiance and I split up and everybody around me is getting engaged. I tried to be like

as happy for them as I humanly could be even though I was like suffering so hard inside. I think a lot of us have friends that we work with specifically. So, like, that happens a lot where you're, like, somebody's doing better than you. And if somebody's being really, like, just so bragging about stuff, I am perfectly fine to be humble and be like, hey, I'm, like, kind of going through some stuff. And maybe I don't want to hear this all the time. Uh-huh. And I don't think there's anything wrong with checking people and their behavior. And it's something I've struggled with my whole life.

I do not think it's easy. But I do think that in every situation, romantic with families, with friends, having the conversation always feels better than not having it. Because for me, I mean, you know this about me. My family does. Like, it's something I've struggled my whole life with. I just, I won't say anything and I won't say anything. And it becomes this big problem. And I'm just, like, mad about shit that isn't even a big deal.

And I could have just said something. And, like, every situation I've ever just fucking said something, I feel better. And the worst thing that's going to happen is the somebody tells you you're an asshole. And it's like, they're an asshole for telling you that you're an asshole. Yeah. I mean, I think about this with infertility a lot because so many women struggle with with infertility. And if you're really struggling, how painful is it when everybody around you was getting

pregnant? without trying. And I think like there's this line of like, well, someone can't be happy for you, but it's also like there's this line of like, maybe you don't have to fucking show up and be like, guess what? I'm pregnant. Are you so excited for me? Like, I don't know. I had a family member who she was struggling with infertility. And she was like, one of my friends just keeps kind of throw it in my face that she's on her third kid and everything's so easy. And it's like, maybe you just tell it to somebody else. Maybe this is why you have a bunch of friends in your life because you do have the friend that you can get so, so excited about this thing with. And you do have the friend that

you can just straight up talk about how much money you make with. And you do have the friend that you can talk about like how you're feeling so skinny that day. Like you don't have to share all your accomplishments with everybody. Like I just think it's compassion. You and I were at the pool the other day in Phoenix and there was a couple of girls talking about that about how it's really tough for one of them to be around somebody else who's constantly having kids. So I thought about that.

And yeah, I mean, I always try to sort of read the room. I'm not going to sit here and complain. I'm really tired. You know, I'm exhausted. I feel like you and I work seven days a week. We're going to Kankoon. I wish we didn't have to go get on a plane right now. but I'm not going to complain about that to somebody who sits at a desk five days a week.

Read the room. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of nuance and a lot of layers to it. And you shouldn't have to hide something you're excited about. You know what I mean? True friends will be excited for you and they'll be happy for you, but they can also recognize that maybe it hurts them a little bit too. And true friends can have those conversations and can have them in like an adult manner.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I would just, I would be conscious of is this person a joy thief? I just feel like so many of us, and I suffered from this a lot more when I was younger, just like, you're with people and you feel bad when you're around them. And I just like kept doing it. Because I was like, well, they're fun. They're fun to drink with. Or they like, they're my only single friends. They're fun to go out with. Make other friends. Yeah, you can make other friends. A couple other things. I mean, I think people always will tell you who they are. People who have had consistent falling outs with everyone in their life. Or they say like, I don't know. I just don't get along with girls. You know, like girls are too much drama. They don't really have close friendships of any kind. I get that some women. I get that some women. and just vibe with dudes more.

You know, we have guy friends and have mostly girlfriends. Like, it goes both ways. But Rain and I have had a situation with a friend that we were no longer friends with where it was like, this happens with everybody in that person's life. Just consistent drama with everybody. And you're like, yeah, you're not going to be. You know, we weren't going to be any different. We were going to have a falling out with this person.

And we did. So I think, like, people tell you who they are. You should listen. I remember pretty early on. I've said this in the podcast probably, but I remember early on I was speaking to this specific person. and they were having a falling out with somebody else and that person said to them,

you always do this. And I was like, okay, take no to this. Take no. Yes. I remember we were sitting in Chicago. We were having Portillo's hot dogs and we were talking about this. And like, it's probably going to happen with us.

Yep. And you can still be friends of those people. I do feel like people can grow up and people can change. And like I said, I don't know that like I've always had girlfriends, but I don't know that I prioritize female friendship on the level that I do today. People can grow up.

Some people are just assholes in their teens, their early 20s. you can give people a chance that they're being good to you. I just think that, like, you should read the room. You should read their history. And if they are constantly telling you, like, I had a girlfriend who really she'd been with her now has been for like 15 years. And she'd never really learned how to make female friendships.

And so she said to me, like, I don't really ever want to be the first one to reach out. I don't want to be the one to make plans. And I started to realize a pattern of that. And I was like, oh, this is, she realizes this. And she told me this is how she is. And I don't see this as being something that's going to change. She's like 32 or 33. Yeah.

And that friendship is over and that's fine. Like I just think that's something she did with everybody. And it's like less painful also when you can be like, oh, this is a pattern for everybody else. Yeah. And I mean, I feel like that the people that like people that don't really have any other friends. Like you kind of wonder why. And that kind of plays into the, what you called it friend bombing. Like the person who you met a month ago and they're like, do you want to be my wedding?

You know what I mean? Like it's like what? Like the latching on too quickly because they don't have other friends. Yeah, or like I have, I, my mom used to talk me, I was like, I suffered from this and I was younger. She'd call it friendship bombing. But like, people that are just like, they're too familiar too quickly and they're too obsessed with you too quickly. I feel like I was obsessed with you too quickly.

You kept your cool though. I couldn't feel it. I mean, I could tell you thought it was amazing. I did. I just love to hang out with you. But I feel like, I've had a couple situations in my life where I feel like people have gotten close to me too quickly because I'm just like, you're open. I'm ready to be your friend and I'm open and I share everything right away.

And I have like suffered from that in the past. And now I'm not going to ever be like before I like you, I don't like you. Yeah. But I am a little more cautious. And I'd like to see what your other friendships are like before I let you in a little bit more. And before I introduce you to everybody in my life. Because I am very much the friend that like if I'm friends with you, I also want you to be friends with all my friends.

And I want to have parties. And I want you to become like best friends and text to each other and DM. And that's really nice for me to introduce people and connect them. And so I'm just a little more cautious than I used to be. Yeah. I just, people that are too thirsty to be my friend. I just can't. I'm sorry. I don't like it. I just am like, it's too much. Like, it's usually mutual. Like, I feel like my best friendships. Like, I feel like when I met Merrill, we're

like, we're going to be friends. Like, oh my God, you know, it feels right. Like, I'm not, I'm not a person. I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that you have to work for it, but people would probably say that that's how they feel. Like, Louisa would be like, I had to work so hard to be her friend. You know, like people, but then I feel like with Kate, like, I had to work to be her best friend. Like, you know, and like Taylor Frost, like, well, I'm like, I just want be your friend so bad for years and now we're like close friends. But it's people that feel a little too clingy. I mean, it doesn't feel good to me and it feels like a red flag to me and anything that feels too clingy too soon. And then that can kind of morph into the like, why don't you

respond to my text like territorial vibe. They want you to be their best friend and not hang out with other people. Like all that is just ick. It's just icky to me. It's weird and it doesn't feel like a normal way to eat, like a normal attachment style? Yeah. What do you think about people that everything is always on their terms? You have to text first, you have to make the plans first, you have to go where it's convenient for them. Are you friends like that?

I mean, I kind of wanted to speak on this on like the friends that are like, they're kind of flaky or they bail or they're quote unquote unreliable. I mean, I think some people you just kind of have to meet them where they're at and you have to decide if you're willing to do that. Like I don't think I have any friends or I would have a friend that I have to do all of the work, like all of it. Like 100% of the heavy lifting. That is going to, I'm going to feel like a stalker.

I'm going to feel clingy and weird. So I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't go down that road. But I have a few friends. They're not my best friends. They're not going to be in the inner circle. But they're friends. And I think they're good people, but they are a little more flaky.

But I feel like I can trust them. They'd be there if I need them. And they're just a little more flighty. They're kind of those people that are really fun. They bring value to a social situation. They have cool shit going on. you want to be in their energy. They have good energy.

They're kind, but they are a little flaky. And you don't have to be friends with people. If you want a friend that just never bails and is always reliable and you can always depend on, that's fine. That can be your boundary. But I'm willing to make room for some of those people that can be a little flightier, can bail every once in a while. Not all the time.

I'm not doing that. If we have a one-on-one dinner date and you bail a lot, no, I'm not doing it. Everybody gets tired. I get it. But someone you actually consistently can never rely on. That's not for me. But I think you can make room for those people. I think you can meet them where they're at.

I think you've got to, sometimes you got to go to them. And they still like you and they want to be around you. You're not chasing them down, but just like that's their vibe. You know, we have a friend that bails all the time because she is pretty bad social anxiety. And like, we just have learned to understand it. And we're still her friend. She's a good person. Yeah.

I mean, I like all this stuff you said a lot because I feel like all these red flags are a lot of the times. It's like, fuck no, fuck this person. But that's not like that for everybody. You can have different tiers of friends. You can have different friends or different things. And you and I've talked about this. I have party friends. I have friends that I want to like go out and meet guys with.

I have friends that are like just like a stay at home and drink wine night. The friend that you're talking about is social anxiety is one of my like favorite people to have an emotional deep conversation with. But no, I'm probably not going to rely on her for like one-on-one plans because she's going to bail on me all the time. You have friends that are welcome to be included in plans and I know they probably won't show up, yeah. Which is also fine.

Like I have friends that I won't make dinner reservations with and I won't make one-on-one plans, but they're always invited to a party. And I think that that's fine. I've learned my whole life and not everybody, just like a relationship, the romance relationship doesn't have to be everything in your life.

Not every friend has to hit every box. A hundred percent. I say all the top tier friends. There's so many tears. There's like four tears. Tears. Like Rob says we have a friend and he was like,

just don't put her in your critical path. Like just don't have her be picking you up at the airport. You know what I mean? But it's so funny. Like I like that he uses that term. But there's gray. It's not all black and white. It's not all like,

fuck you, you bailed on me. It's like, I don't know, we're all human. but those are boundaries you have to decide on. Like, you are very welcome to be like, you have bailed on the last three one-on-one dinner. Like, we had a reservation.

I'm not doing that. If I can't rely on you to show up when it's just me and you, a big group setting, come or don't. I mean, I would like, most of my friends come. But like, everyone's small. Someone's like, I'm tired. It's Friday. I've been working all week.

You're like, that's fine. There's five other people here. I'm bummed. Hope you don't make it a habit. And it's fine. Yeah. non-negotiables for me, somebody that lies all the time or even like little lies, nope, I'm just out on it.

Like, I don't like it. Somebody that makes me feel bad about myself. Somebody I feel like it's just like a joy thief, like we were saying before. Little things like, you know, they're kind of flaky sometimes. I don't mind. They're not going to be my best friend. I don't like somebody that bails on me. I wouldn't tolerate it from a romantic partner and I definitely don't tolerate it from

friends. I don't like it. It's not how I'm going to live my life. Like, I feel like you and I have a finite amount of time. If I dedicate a night to somebody and I'm fucking pissed if they don't show up. but I don't like it. I feel like at this age also, like, why we're out here,

like, being unreliable, you know? Yeah. And I mean, I think I'm probably, I've been single a lot throughout my life. And even when I'm in a relationship, I like to include a lot of people. And I probably, like, the most of anybody and you too, like all my friends are friends with each other.

And I really want that. I really want everybody to connect. I love having a party where everybody comes. I like when my friends are texting each other. And like, you and I went on a trip in February with, like, well, Emily's like more my friend. But at Lindsay. and Melanie, and it was like nice that like all five of us are like from different friend groups and

we are all together Miami. That was so special to me. And like I think there's girls that like really don't like that. They're jealous. They withhold friendships from you. Like they don't want to include you in the friend group. That's really not for me. Like anybody that is like oddly jealous, won't connect you, things like that. Not for me. If there's a friend that none of your other friends like, yeah, that's a red flag. Like that came up a couple times. Like the person nobody likes, you don't want to introduce them your other friends or your family or whatever it is. Okay, let's talk about a big one, and this is with any type of relationship. People that just cannot see their wrong in things, cannot apologize, always the victim.

Yeah, I think you're never going to win with people like this either. Like, there's no amount of like explaining your feelings, explaining their behavior to them, holding up a mirror. Like, you can try. I would also, of course, try to see this is a pattern with other people. But I generally try. And like, I think that you and I more than anybody have always told each other. about our behavior because we're business partners and we have to. But I haven't had a friendship

at a really long time where I've told somebody about their behavior and they haven't at least tried to see their part in it. And I don't know that I see like a path forward. Like we've talked about these conversations that you have where you're like, hey, this hurt my feelings. And somebody's like, well, I didn't mean to. And you're like, but you did. They're like, well, don't be so sensitive. Like, I don't know. I feel like you're just sort of an impasse of people like that. And I don't know that you're ever going to win. You should try. Yeah, we have talked about this on different episodes and stuff like that, but kind of the type of person that's the common denominator of all the relationships that have gone poorly in their life refuses to take responsibility. Can't see their wrong, do anything, can't apologize. I mean, it's, you can't have it. And people like that are eventually going to be alone on an island by themselves. Yep. And I mean, that's usually how it does work out. Yeah. And even if they do have like some friends that like put up with it, like, you don't have to. And I feel for people, I think this is very easily sad when you're like a little bit older. You're. We've had many more years to make friends.

I think it's really tough when you're super young and you just have like one friend group and this person is just always included in the friend group and you're like, if I blow this friendship up, like, then what happens? And it's like, I don't know what. First of all, I usually think that if somebody's like this, other people feel like this about them too.

But like, I think we just all deserve it to feel good. Yeah. And like you should try. I like that you said about like you have this one friend group. Like it just kind of sparked something of like, this is why you should diversify with friends. You know, this is why you shouldn't just have one friend group forever. And then you just do feel more beholden

some of these people that may not be good for you and it may actually be toxic. It's like it gives you a lot more freedom to like only surround yourself with people that lift you up and have good energy when you make more friends. And I know sometimes it can be scary. I know it can be like, okay, but this is my group of friends. We're all sorority sisters. Now we all move to the same city together. Like this is it. This is all I got. It's like, I don't know. Join a club and meet another friend. And then go do a sharehouse for the summer, make new friends. Like this is the reason to do that because shit goes down with one friend of the group, it's fucked. Well, it's like, we say, like, with dating.

Like, when you first start dating, like, date around. Like, don't put all your eggs in one basket because then you're more likely to tolerate shitty behavior. You're going to wait around on a day for somebody to call you. Yeah, when I first moved to New York, it was tough. I didn't have as many friends. And so I was more likely to deal with shitty behavior because I was like, I don't have that many options.

So, yeah, diversify. All right. Let's talk about girlfriends and guys. Weird behavior with, yes. Like, okay. A, someone that you feel like is. fucking flirting with your boyfriend, like that's a no. But I mean, somebody that's just kind of weirdly competitive about guys. Like, I've seen these

friendships. It doesn't necessarily mean they're like doomed. You've had one situation with somebody. I'll let you speak. I'm going to let you talk. I'll let you speak on it where I think it turned out positively where you like mentioned behavior and it got better. But personally for me, like girls like that, I've just never fucked with them. Like girls that are so competitive and boy crazy. And I just feel like that's why we're out. That's where we're at a bar. They only want to go to places where men are. They're are like always just like dressing up to just to attract. I mean, men or women, whatever you're attracting.

They're going out to like be on the prow. And I feel like I am just sort of there as a wingman. And, you know, they try to like hit on the person you're with. Yeah. Like, it's just, it's not for me. I would never even try to like honestly really talk to somebody about this as much. I don't really fuck with girls like that. Yeah.

I mean, I had a friend, good friend. We're friends. Like, where it was just kind of weird. We feel like we kind of both like this guy. But, you know, her and I are the same. age. We were both single the time this happened. This guy was cute. We met up the same time. Like, no one really got dibs. It was just kind of a weird thing. And he kind of just liked her more. And I didn't really see that coming. This is no shade to her. I just, I thought we vibed. Like,

it was weird for a minute. And I, you know me? I could just call her on the phone. I was like, what's going on with this? I think it's shitty. And you didn't tell me you were going on a date with him. Like, we had to kind of have it out for a little bit. And because neither of us had a history with this person, it was kind of like he liked her. more and I had to check my ego and realize that and be like, I would want to go out with him if he liked me more. You know what I mean? I wouldn't want to have to not go out with him if he asked me out. So you got to treat people how you want to be treated. I think that can just be really tough. Like you meet a dude at the same time. You both like him and he's not a bad guy. He's not

trying to pit you against each other or start some sort of love triangle. But sometimes it sucks and you just, your ego is bruised and your feelings get hurt. And it can even get to a point where you feel kind of awkward around them. But sometimes if they're a good match, like why begrudge your friend somebody that could be a good match for them? He did not try not to be a good match. No, he did not. But I will say, first of all, I think you know her and you think

she's a good person, so that voted well for her. And I think second of all, like, she was sort of on your shit list for a little bit and that's fine too. Like, we can dislike somebody's behavior and then come back to them. I've certainly have had friends where I'm just like annoyed with them. I need a little fucking break from you. You're on my shit list. But like, I'll be fine with you in like

a month. You know, we can take a little break and it doesn't mean that we're never going to talk to each other again. I'm just, I can be annoyed with you. That's fine. It's not the kiss of death. Yeah, you're right. Like, for a minute, we were like, she doesn't get invited to the drinks tonight.

You know what I mean? And that's fine. That's not, yeah, call it petty if you want, but it's like, I'm just kind of mad at her right now. And that was years ago, and we're back to besties. Like, that shit happens. Friendships Ebb and Flow. And, I mean, as far as friends who just,

you feel like they always choose guys over you, I think, again, this is, there's a lot of gray area. This is not black and white. How much do they do it? Is it every time? Are you just losing them a little bit because they're really involved with this person they're falling in love with?

Are they just not return your calls at all? Are they trying to make time for you? Are they bailing on you all the time? Talk about it with them. Is this who they are at their core? Because I had a friend too, like that. I feel like she was kind of blowing me off a couple times for dudes, mention it to her.

And she was like, you're right. And I'm going to check this. She was like, damn, thank you for bringing it up. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think we should burn a relationship down to the ground. It doesn't make, it doesn't make me a bad person. It actually just makes them like a little insecure, you know. It could just be a situation where like they're going through something.

I'm perfectly willing to talk about it. Yeah, and some people just really want a boyfriend. They really want a partner or a girlfriend or whatever it may be. And that is their sole priority. And sometimes if they're a good, solid, stable person, a little bit of a check does make them come back to Earth a little bit and be like, okay, the real relationships of our life are these friendships and they're going to be here when this person I date is gone. so I need to prioritize them

and they can do the mental shift on their own. And sometimes they can and they suck and dump them. Yeah. Okay, I want to talk about this thing that came up a lot, which is like, I think that no one is a stranger to this. It's just like friendships that feel so one-sided. It's like you only hear from the person they need something. Everything is about what they're going through.

They're going to want up anything that you're going through. You might be having a bad day, but theirs is worse. You might have had a bad breakup. Theirs is worse. It's just you're only hearing from them when it's about them, whether it's their accomplishments or their pitfalls and it's just like it's only about them all the time. I don't know.

What do you think about these people? Can I relate? I don't know. I just feel like friendships, they start because they feel reciprocal. You know, I guess there's a world in which this could shift over time, but like I can't actually pinpoint a time where this happened because I wouldn't want it at all.

You know what I mean? Yep. I'm trying to think of what's happened to me because this happens a lot. I think that I had a situation with a friend where I was just like constantly hearing from her every single day when she was struggling in her relationship and she wanted to talk to me all the time. Okay, yeah.

Only about that. She was only talking to me when she was upset about him or when something was really going on that was great with him. And I felt like she wasn't really checking in with me about other stuff. It was just like we talked a lot and we talked about him. And I felt like once things were like pretty good with them, I wasn't hearing from her as much. And it felt like really one-sided.

And I think once I took a step back around the room, I was like, oh, I don't like this. fuck you for this. This is like, I'm having my own shit going on. Yeah, yeah. This came up with Nedra. This came up with Nedra.

And I thought that was really great. And she said, like, maybe this person only thinks that this is what you guys talk about. Like, are you volunteering other stuff? Like, you should try to change the conversation first. And if that doesn't work, you can try their avenues.

But I really liked that piece of advice because I had a friend that I felt like everything was so negative with her. And it was just like always complaining. And when I stopped sort of leaning into it, I did feel like it changed. Yeah. Well, and I just don't like, again, I said there's some friendships where you meet people where they're at, but they've got to come to you every once in a while. Like, I feel like I don't want a friendship where we only get together, because quality time is my love language, you know, like when they can, like, where I'm getting rejected if I ever try to even like set something up. You know what I mean? Like, that feels weird. That feels like somebody wants you at their be back and call. Like, even if you're like, hey, like, can we get drinks? Can we do dinner at this place? And they're like, I'll let you know. Like, they don't, they only want to see you. and they want to see you. That's not a friendship to me. That's not a friendship to me.

I just, yeah. I mean, that's, we said it, I said it before. We said it before. Like, we should all walk away from every friendship situation. Friends are not like once in a lifetime. Like, we can make more friends. Like, you should feel like it's reciprocal. And like, they are as much of a hype man for you as you are for them. And you walk away, feeling like, amped and positive and excited. I met up with a friend last night just because I want to talk about her breakup. And she was like, I'm struggling. I'm upset. And I was like, yeah, let me come there and like, let's have dinner and let's literally just talk about you. because she's done that for me in the reverse.

Yeah. And I really appreciate it. And I walk away. I feel really supported in that friendship and I wanted to do that for her. And I don't know. I feel like at this point I'm really proud because most of my friendships,

all my friendships I feel are like really reciprocal. 100%. And like that's, there are nights when nights, why it's got to be a night. There are times when like, is it got to be a night? When you're close with somebody like me and you,

I mean me and you were the elite friendship. But I mean like where I'm going to come over and we're just going to talk. about what's going on with me, you're not going to get a word in. And then there's going to be another time where we're going to do the same with you and we're going to dive into this thing and analyze it for four hours in the car and never talk about me. Like, not every interaction is reciprocal. Like the long term really solid friendships have those moments too, where you're like, you know, you had me over when I just was all fucked up about Dewey and I just came over there

and just we had wine and ate cheese and I just fucking cried. You just sat there? Yeah. Like those are the moments. Like it's all about me right now. I'm struggling. And then we're going to do this again for you. Like those are. those are the best, the beauty of a friendship, because you should feel like I can go to this friend's house and just talk about me. And they're not going to need to talk about them because this is my time where I'm struggling or I need help.

And then I'm going to be there for them when it happens in the reverse. You know what I mean? Yeah, but plenty of those. And my friend Derek came over. We spent four hours sitting on my couch talking about just her breakup. I mean, I think that's the sign of a good friendship that you can do that. That's what I'm saying. Like, you should feel empowered to do that.

I will say, so I was, like, I feel like everybody just relates to all these things. I was on a group chat this morning with two of my girlfriends, and I was like, we're doing this episode about toxic relationships. And a friend of mine, she had this friendship for years, and I think it was tremendously toxic. And she, like, can't let it go that she, like, let it go on for so long. And I think it's taken her a long time to process this. And she's just like, how did I not see how, like, nasty she was to me. I was a worse person when I was around her.

I drank more when I was around her. I just, I don't like the version of me that was around her. everything that they talked about was like just talking shit on other people and she like can't let it go. And like I've had to say to her so many times, she's just an ball of anxiety. But I do think that there is some like shame and guilt when we walk away from these friendships. Sometimes we're like, how did I let this go on for so long? Same with romantic relationships. And it's like I do think that at least if you got something good out of it, it's fine.

There's a reason why people were in your life, whether it was that you had the same interest, same hobbies, that your significant others were friends. Like if you were in these, like don't beat yourself up for it. Like it's never too late to just like draw a boundary, become a stronger person and form better relationships. Like it's okay. And I know there's just, there's a lot of shame sometimes when you look back and you're like, how did I let this go on for so long?

It's like, I don't know, you did. And there's probably a lot of good also. And what's important is that you're not doing it anymore. Yeah. And that's it. Okay, well, you said they just talk shit and like gossiped. I mean, how do we feel with this? I know you feel like it.

Listen, all, I love talking shit. I love talking shit too. Okay, Rayne and I also have this. Ray and I have so many joint friendship stories. We know somebody that just really likes to gossip and talk shit and it's so fun. And we've just realized that we don't tell her anything that we don't want to get repeated. Like, I mean, that's not going to be my best friend. Your best friend should be evolved, you know, the inner circle, the top tier, they should be evolved, you know? Like, whatever, we all share secrets.

But like, you should feel comfortable telling your deep, dark, most vulnerable things. to your top to your friends. You can have friends that are really fun to gossip and talk shit with. You just don't say that shit to them. Because if they're talking about other people with you, they're going to talk about you with other people. Not always, you know, again, there's a lot of gray with this stuff,

but like we just kind of had to remind each other when going into social interactions with her. And there's other, there's not just one person. Like there's a few people like this. We have an industry of people who are in entertainment. You know, you get this sometimes. And it's kind of like you and I have had to be like, check ourselves and be like,

Remember, don't share any secrets. I mean, I think when you meet a girl that tells you other people's secrets right away, I'm just like red flags are just up. I'm just like, okay, you cannot be trusting. But we're blowing through them because we want those secrets. I know I want to hear them, but I would never tell you anything about myself. Like, beware a bitch that tells you other people's secrets. But here is the thing.

They're so fun. I think some people like that are kind at their core. That's the question you ask yourself. Some people can't help themselves. They're gossiping. I'm not justifying it. I don't like the thought that, you know, you're sharing people's secrets that they entrusted you with.

But I think it's a matter of like, is this person malicious or they just can't hold back? Like some people just cannot help themselves. I was out with this girl this night. She's very funny comedian. She was like, I can't not overshare. I tell everybody's business. I can't help myself.

I tell my own business. Like she was just, she's an overshare. And so I think it's always about like, does this person feel mean-spirited? You know, like, there's a feeling of like, I can't stop gossiping. And like, they're mean. And I think you can feel that difference.

I think I can. I think I can. I also, I mean, I'm just not telling those people anything. Like, I could enjoy them. There's plenty of people that can enjoy. I would never tell them anything. Yeah. And like, I do think it is inherently mean spirit to share other people's secrets.

Yes. Yeah, I mean, I just don't want to justify the behavior. But again, like, we're also not saying cut everybody out of your life that likes to gossip because we do love the gossip. So much fun. My ex was like, you talk to you on everybody. and I was like, yeah, because it's an awesome thing to do. It's a ton of fun, okay? And I'm talking shit to you.

Also, talk shit about me and private all you want. Just stay out of my public space. That's how I sort of feel about talking shit. When I think, like, who, like, listen, I'm sure that you talk about you behind my back. I can't imagine what it would be. But I'm sure in a private space to other people that you are close with, you have in your lifetime said a bad thing about me. And that's fine because, like, I think privately we're all humans and we're all going

say things, but it's like, yeah, if you told like Kate or one of your close friends something about me that, that's like a normal thing to me. If you were like out spouting off your mouth about me and our relationship to strangers, then I'd be like, this is a problem. Yeah, exactly. Like, you do need to talk about your friendships with other friends sometimes. Like, I think that anytime I've ever talked about you in a negative light, you probably knew that was happening because we were having some issues. You know what I'm not out here. Like, you don't leave the room and I'm like, oh, she's so fucking annoying. You know what I mean? Like, that's mean. I know. That's not, I'm not, that's not a friend I want. Like somebody that somebody leaves the room and then this person just starts talking shit and the other

person thinks they're cool. That's not, I'm not down with that. I don't, it's a very two-faced. I'm not about like a two-faced backstapper. That's not, that's a red flag to me. The drinking stuff too, like this came up. I think you're going to party friends. I think you can have friends you have friends you strictly get drunk with, but there's levels to that too. A friend that every single time you go out, something bad happens. Every single time you go out, you have to babysit her. you think you know, I think there's time and place to tell people you think they have a problem and they can take it or leave it. I think that's a read the room situation too and those situations are not all create equal. But, you know, there's friends that you've never not been drunk with

them. But that's up to you to decide if that's a type of a friend you want your life. It's sometimes fun to have a friend that you know you can call when you want a party and they know that's their role too. It's not really for me. I don't really have friends in my life anymore that we just drink together. Like, if I'm going to be friends with somebody, we need to be able to chill in sweats and hang and have a glass of wine on the couch. That's, I want that type of relationship. That's probably my bar at this point. I don't know that I have any friends like this. I did when I was younger.

It's fine. Yeah. My preferred social interaction is like one-on-one or like four girls, like, at home. And I order food or I make food. Like, that's my preferred social life. I could pick, like, one thing to do socially. Like, that's what I like. I like talking to people.

I like catching up on their life. I like digging into everything they're thinking and their feeling and their relationship. I said, how's your job going? Like, I prefer that. If I can't do that with you, yeah, we're probably just not going to be, like, super close. Well, I think you can put people in a box and keep them there, too. I feel like when I first moved to Atlanta and I needed to make friends, I met some girls who were just party girls, you know, and maybe I wanted them to be more.

Like, I wanted more. I wanted to be like, okay, but I want, like, a girl group. You know, I want, like, friends who go to dinner with and stuff. And, like, you have to shift your mindset and your expectations of somebody. Like, there was a couple girls. I remember in Atlanta where I was like, okay, I know what this is. And they are just party friends. I'm seeing them after dark.

We're going to be drunk. It's like a booty call. They probably knew that too, like a booty call. Like, you know, because you might be like, yeah, but I really like them and they're really fun. I want to like happy hour, just the two of us. It's like they don't want that, you know? And that's okay too.

Or you, you know, I just think not everybody needs to be everything to you. And there's all kinds of tears and all just different types of friends in our life. And that's like the beauty of being able to have a million fucking friends. Yep. And people, we've talked about this. and flow. You can become closer with other people at some points in your life. Some people can be casual, occasional friends and become some of your closest friends. Just, you know, I would give people enough rope to hang themselves always and see what they're like, read the room and then, you know,

you can always walk away and that's fine too. Yeah, I agree. I love that. And I'm glad we're best friends. I'm glad we're best friends. And I'm four years of best friendship and almost 200 episodes. It's almost four years of the podcast. We're all the fun anniversary is coming up. We do. We have a 200 episode, a 100 live show. Yep. Coming up sometime soon. And we met in our 30s. Yep.

And that is just, I get a lot of messages from girls that I want to meet. Like, I'm in my 30s or in my late 20s, and I am so hopeful that I could meet a friend like this like later in life.

My mom met one of her best friends. Jen, I think my mom was in her 50s and Jen was in her 30s. I mean, they're 20 years apart. They're besties, best friends. Her kids come over for Christmas Eve. They do the appetizer contest. You've met them.

Like, my mom was in her 50s, married kids. Jen was in her 30s. Like totally different life stages. And so I've talked about that before. But I just think that's such a beautiful thing. We're never done making friends. Yeah, guys, never too late to change your life.

You can change your career, your relationship, your friendships, your situation. I don't have a squad in the nursing home. Yeah. There's all these new friends. Ashley and I were just going to buy a compound with all of our friends. Margarita. I'll just live with them. That's what I want.

All right, guys. Well, give your friend a hug for us. Give your best to give you that true real one, best friend. Send him a text. Share this episode with them. Tell them you love them. Be thankful for the real ones in your life and cut all those toxic friends. Or put them in a box, whatever.

And throw them in the ocean. Get rid of them permanently. Steal her boyfriend. Fuck their dad. Plot twist up. Go out to dinner with them, make them pay, and then don't them owe them for half. Steal their credit card. Steal their identity.

Like Bella stole our credit card. That's her little joke with Bella. She stole her credit cards. Anyway. It's a joke which she like did it. It's a joke. Get it. It's a joke.

We just tell it like it's a joke. We just tell it like it is. Just so you guys know we hired Bella and both of our credit cards. Bella is a sneaky bitch. I'm just kidding. I just love to joke around and insult people to their core. Okay, guys, you can find everything you need to know on girls got to eat podcast.com. New show dates in all these cities.

And we'll just keep announcing them as they happen. New merchandise. Or old merchandise? New merchandise? coming soon. New merchandise next week. Existing merchandise now. Also signed up for the newsletter on our website. There's a pop up right when you log in and we'll let you guys know ahead of time of that stuff. Yes. Newsletter is crucial. Those newsletter babes get the info first. Follow us Instagram at Girls Gotta Eat Podcast. I am Ash Hess on Instagram and TikTok. Raina is reina.org.

Girls underscore I got eat on Twitter and YouTube.com slash Girls Gotta Eat. And we will see you next week. Have a good week, guys.