Girls Gotta Eat - From Devout to DTF with Usama Siddiquee

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

We have a hot and hilarious one for you this week with comedian Usama Siddiquee. We're discussing his life growing up Muslim and sheltered then finding his way sexually in college, and how he views religion now. We're also chatting about open relationships, pursuing a passion that doesn't align with your parents' expectations, the sexiest home decor, sleeping with people "at work", and why (some) men don't like funny women. And we have Usama "manalyze" some listener questions like why do guys DM instead of text and can you come back from getting too drunk on a first date, PLUS we're giving a juicy update on Rayna's Cleveland man-fan. Hope you enjoy! Follow Usama on Instagram @UsamaStandsUp and check out his podcast Mango Bae. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg, and Ashley @AshHess. Check our website for tour dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners this week: ShipStation: Get 60 days FREE at shipstation.com with code GGE. LiquidIV: Get 25% off at liquidiv.com with code GGE25 at checkout. HelloFresh: Get a total of $80 off across 5 boxes including free shipping on your first box at hellofresh.com/80gge + code 80GGE. Buffy: For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit buffy.co and enter code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And she was going to be the best fuck you ever had. And I looked at her. You were like, you'll be the only one ever. I was like, there is no way you're wrong about that. Wow. We're in Nashville this week. And so Trish is here. She can't wait to see y'all.

What do I say next? The home of country music. She'll be here this weekend. Y'all get ready. Welcome to another episode of Girls Got to Eat. Oh, shit. Sorry. You know she likes to jump the gun.

You know that. We're recording on Sunday. It's a whole new day. I don't even know what's happening. Sunday, y'all. Oh, my God. It's a great day. Okay.

All right. A couple days in town and then we're headed back to Nashville exactly where we were two years ago. Like this week almost. Yeah. We were there. We were like I was seeing like the tags pop up. I love Nashville.

I can't wait to be back there. I'm so excited. I miss Hattie Bees. So that's my first stop. Yeah. And you guys, if you're coming, send us any like crazy, wild, hilarious, dating, sex.

relationship stories. So just email us. Hello at Girls Gotta Eatpodatepodcast.com and notate which day and which time you're coming because we are having two shows on both Friday and Saturday night. Can't wait. Jenny Jones will be there. The icon. The icon herself. I'm not going to say which show because people, but if you're there, you'll know, you'll know, you'll know when you know. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to Nashville an extra day and you did and you were like, Jenny Jones and I was like, say no more. Say no more. We booked like a fancy hotel because hotels are $12 and We're just going to have a nice little, like, you know, low-key dinner. It's going to be great.

We're not going to be, like, hitting the honky tonks. I might, though. No, you can't. That's not. How am I going to meet so? You're not. We're abiding by all COVID rules. There's a curfew.

We're not going to be at the honky talks. Trish might. Because Trish, are you going to sneak out of the hotel? Come by yourself. Trish will put on her N95 and she will hit the tail. I'm going to wear a cowgirl hat and cowgirl boots. I have new outfits. Oh, my God.

Are we going to fucking cowgirls? boots. Oh, each other. I don't have cowgirl boots. Oh, I have combat boots.

Okay. You bring combat boots and I'll bring a cowgirl hat and we'll build out the outfit together. We'll build it out. But if you guys are coming, you know,

be safe, behave yourselves. We know, it's going to be hard. Nashville on a weekend, but please try to follow all the rules or you get kicked out. And we can't wait to see there.

You know what I was so proud of and I forgot to say this last week. Somebody, one of the Ohio venue said us, he said, your audience is so sweet. they always tip really well, they always behave really well. And I was really touched by that. I wasn't surprised, but always impressed by the people that come to our shows.

Yeah, you guys are incredible. So just follow the rules. And we're going to have a lot of fucking fun. So we will see you there. We have such a crazy episode for you today. This episode is wild. It is wild. It is off the rails. Our guest is a comedian named Usama Siddiqui. I was laughing so hard. I was like silent laughing. Like there's these really funny moments that like you won't hear me laugh. And it's because when I actually find something that funny, I'm like silent laugh. I like shake and convulse. Raise your hand if you get it.

You feel me? I'm raising my hand. He's one of my favorite kind of guess. He's my favorite kind of guess where it is like lose your mind, funny humor, but like so many like profound takeaways. Like we went on so many tangents. But like it was with it. Oh my gosh.

I am so obsessed with him. Sorry, Shan. You're out. You never DM'd me back. Shan Booty never responded to my DM tags. I feel like she's out. Usama is in. I used to you the one that was trying to fuck all the guests.

So now you're just dating all of them. I'm sliding in that top spot. He's great. We're in time of religion. We're going to talk about finding your sexuality. What else do you talk about? Fucking funny women. Disappointing your parents.

We talk about that every week. That's the general theme. No, my parents are proud of me. No one's more proud of me than my dad. Oh. But yeah, it's a great. It's a great one. So we hope you guys enjoy.

And we have some updates for you. Okay. Get right into it. Yeah, we're going to, well, we last have to talk about, okay, we even have an update. We're going to tag team the update, one of them. It's a correction, to be clear. Yeah, we need to issue a correction. Like for the New York time.

Yes. Last week, we talked about this guy that came to our show in Cleveland and said he was there for Raina. And then as it turns out, he DMed me after the show and was like, bummer, you guys never came. to the bar. And you popped off last week about how he didn't, that he DM'd me instead of you. And that's, he must have just heard you talk about all the nasty shit you talked about and then decided he didn't like you anymore. And that was our narrative.

And that's fair to be fair. Like if somebody, you weren't offended. No. If somebody heard the story that I told at that show, which like we'll do more live shows and you guys will hear it. I understand being like, I'm all set on her. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Yeah, that's the kind of stuff she does with her vagina and her free time. I'm all set.

So it made sad to track. Yeah. So he listened, obviously, and he DMed me again and said, I have DMed Raina multiple times. I don't know what's going on. And so I was like, if this bitch is lying to me. And I'm also like, you know,

I know Raina pretty well by now. And I do know that she does know how to use Instagram. So I'm just like, I can't imagine that she had his handle wrong. I can't imagine that she didn't see the DM. I knew that you were probably going to his profile, clicking on messages, seeing what happened. Like, it was coming up blank. So I was very weird, though. It was blank as though he had messaged me.

Like, you know, like somebody sent your request. He was not in my requests. It was as though he had sent me a message. I had approved it. I think he's been unscending? No, because, anyway. So I'm like, what is going on here? And I'm fucking caught in the middle.

And I was like, he better not be trying to play me. So I was like, let me see the screenshot of you DMing Raina. I was like, I need evidence. I need evidence. Let me see the DM. Let me see it. So he sends me two screenshots. One is him messaging you after the show at like nine, okay?

Honestly, the show started at 7.30. We got to stage at 9. Yeah. We got offstage at 9. He messaged you at 912. He was upstairs at the bar wanting to have a drink with you. The DM to me came through at 10.30. So he was one last ditch effort.

Maybe I can get Ashley to get to Rana. Which we had already been drinking a lot at that point. Yeah. And we weren't even going to go. search out this person. But I didn't see it until the next day anyway. So, because maybe I would have been like, oh, Raina your man. Let's like go, you know, meet up with them. Also, we got up at 430 in the morning that time. Yeah, we had to get up at 430. So he did DM you. And then I see that he had again tried to DM you with a screenshot of him DMing you. Like, he basically tried to prove to you again

that he DM'd you. None of the DMs have come through at this point. And I zoomed in and realized that this guy DM'd you in January of 2019. and said, I want to fly to New York and take you out. This guy has had a crush on you coming up on two years, and you roasted him. This guy has been trying to get in touch with you for years. If I could manufacture, if I could manufacture and bottle up playing this hard to get with people that I actually like that I know are messaging me, I'd be the most powerful woman in the world. And also, by the way, we were in Cleveland.

It was the last night of our shows. Like we were staying at this gorgeous hotel across the street from the club. And that guy has a full facial hair situation going on. Like, I would have just hooked up with him at the hotel. He's very cute. He's Jewish. Yes. He's age appropriate enough.

For me, not for you. For me, he's 30, so he's way too old. But he, like, we honestly, like, I'm going to be real with you guys. Like, Ray and I had a moment of being, like, pretty bummed out that this didn't work out for you. because that is a cute guy that's interested in you, watched you talk about sucking dicks all night, and still wanted to see you. You had a hotel room all to yourself with a king bed,

right across from the club. Like, every single piece of getting laid after the show, which rarely happens to us because women come to our shows. We rarely get a single man. Nevertheless, a single man that is interested in us. It's like the unicorn. That's why I'm out here hooking up with venue staff all the time. No men come to our show.

Such an anomaly that it would even happen. Like last night of the tour Like you would have fucked this guy 100% He's, I can't believe He's listening to this right now And he's buying a plane ticket But like he did everything he could

I know and it was the last night of the trip too We got out of really upset Like you and I had a moment of being like The wind out of our sales like How did this happen? How did Instagram do us this dirty? Also normally when we're on the road We get out of a club at midnight

Yes We're exhausted We got to drive somewhere I'm not drinking I'm not like I'm not out of a club at 9 p.m. ever. It's so upsetting. Like he damned you at 9-12. You still had tons of energy ready to go. You could have fucked him four times and still gotten up and we made our 7 a.m.

Flight. 100%. 100%. Do you understand? Like, I can't believe this happened. Listen, Ashley always says like after all I've done for Instagram. I can't believe that Instagram did me this dirty. I'm like, I swear I know how to use Instagram. Been on it for you. I know how to use it. Instagram was just like, this is the only DM you're not getting. I get DMs from you bitches telling me that I need to lose weight.

I need to change the things I say, do feel, think political deems. This is the DM I don't get. Oh, you're right fucking DMs I don't want. This is the DM I get. That's so funny. Of all the unwanted,

and plenty of you DM us and it's wonderful. Oh yeah. Nobody actually DMs made any loose way. And this is the one that just doesn't send. A hundred percent of the ones. not want people's boyfriends DME scumbag old or men that are like i want to see your feet this is the only DM i don't get is a perfectly good looking normally semi well adjusted man in the midwest it's been pining for you for years no you guys i hope you're feeling our energy it's real and it's

true and we're upset girl that body suit too perfect lingerie and his body speaking of bodies i know way better than mine ripped he's hot i know i know he's I'm actually more attracted to his facial hair than I am to his body. Is that weird? Well, he has a hot body. I don't need like a six-pack on a guy and he's, he's definitely, he's got like a smoking body. He spends some time in the gym. Yeah. He just seems like such sweet guy. So he did, he, he hasn't, it's not been like too creepy or thirsty, but he has been really wanting to reach out to you so he's been going through me. So here I am, just like single as a pringle, not getting laid. And this guy's like, can you please make sure Raina

reaches out? So he, um, did, um, did. he sent me his number to give to you. And I mean, you, you, I, you DMed him. So you're in, because what did you do this morning? This morning we were talking about what we were talking about today. And you sent me a full page long about how I need to talk to him because we're not going to make somebody a butt of a joke on this podcast.

Ashley has never had more empathy for another person, since her family members, her closest friends is Dewey and this guy. It's not. I was like, if you're into this guy, you should just. Oh, my, he's not the butt of the joke. But my whole thing is like, if we're using, if someone we're talking about is going to be material. We should treat them like a human and you should respond to him. He's trying to reach to you whether you decide to date him or not and let him come up here and impregnate you. Like he wants

to do and he has since 2019. Then whatever, that's on you. But I did encourage you to just send him a message. I did. Encourage you me before we recorded this. You didn't make me show you my DMs. You said, I said I DM'd him. You were like, let me say. I needed the receipt. I want to be a nice person. I would hate for him to hear all this and him be like, that's fucked up. These girls just like, I know. I'm material and she won't even respond to me. So you did DMM. I did DM him.

What did you say? Just read it. Just read it? We'll cut it if it doesn't pan out. But like let's just do this on the spot. Let's just do this live. Okay. Okay.

I'm like it. We'll do a lot. I said, I'm sorry. I never responded. I don't have any messages from you. It's weird. I swear I know how Instagram works. He said, hey, hey, there you are.

I thought you were dodging me this entire time. Well, hopefully you receive these. And it's dick pics. Okay. No, he's not that guy that sent me. That's it. Hopefully you received these, what? Messages.

That's the message. That's the message. What did you want him to say? What did you think was going to happen? He was trying to fly up here. These would be his plane. Like confirmations. Guy.

Listen, I'm like, I, you know me, like, somebody that's been obsessed with me for two years. Like, that's what I want. Like, if I look back and someone had been asking me out for since 2012, I'd be like, that's my guy. You're obsessed with me. Say no more. You want to date him. I don't want to date him.

I want to date somebody that likes me the way he likes you. What he likes about me. All I talk about is giving blow jobs on his podcast. You know what? Now I know exactly what he likes about me. Mid-sends him. I'm like, oh, I know exactly what he likes about me. You cracked the code.

Blow jobs. I don't know why this guy wants to see me. Oh my God. He wants one of those Raina Greenberg blowjobs. She doesn't do it to completion though, Adam. I did do one to completion sort of recently. Okay. Can we talk about how?

Okay. I think this was Cleveland night one. We were asking some audience members about like sex stuff. And there was like these, those drunk girls were like, I have my master's degree, but I can suck a dick. And then it just turned into this like thing.

We were laughing so hard. This like wasted, I guess pretty smart girl with her master's from the rafters. It was like, I have my master's, but I can suck a dick. And then we were like, oh shit, okay.

And then it just turned into this like, make some noise if you're a doctor that can suck a dick. Where my real estate agents are? Real estate agents are like, make some noise. If you're a lawyer, that can suck.

Anyway, there's a fun moment. Yeah, so we wanted to update you guys that I was wrong somehow. I mean, I was wrong. I just didn't have any messages from them.

It is, it's really weird. I don't know. I don't know. It's, I can't believe it. All the messages I get from all these crazy people,

that's the one I don't get. Yeah, it's like, honestly, it's just like, it's such a bummer to like miss a, like,

night of, sex because of Instagram? Like, how unfair? I know it's completely unfair. I mean, you know I love to have sex with people off your shows. Anyway, so. That's the update. Rain is a boyfriend. He's flying up here to make Jewish babies. He told me that. He wants to make Jewish babies with me. That's what he said. I think he meant like, how much are you guys talking? Little, I think he more, I think, I think, how many conversations do you guys have? More so he meant little sperm babies in your throat, but no. That's really funny. Well, we'll let you guys know if I had to say, to make Jewish babies with him.

I do have one more thing to say to you. Oh, what is it? Well, it's not really for you. It's for everybody, but it's like torrents about you. Oh, my God. Oh, God. No, I just wanted to acknowledge that this week is our three-year anniversary of our friendship. And it's October 9th, so today is October 12th.

So October 9th, Ashley and I met three years ago. If you guys, like, don't know our, like, origin story. I won't bore you with it. But we have only been friends for three years. And Ashley and I met on a beach in Aruba. and Ashley came up with the idea of the podcast and we went into business together pretty soon after meeting each other.

Yeah, you can listen to The Origin Story. It's an episode, is it coming of age? Or what? We did a bonus episode, I think, in January, January, February. So January, February, there is a whole episode on how it all started. Oh, it's called how GGE came to be.

Oh, how Gigi came to me. We have a search function on our website. Strong, though, if you want to go back and listen. Coming of age. Yeah, that was my faves. Yeah, our anniversary, What are we doing? At this point, it's Friday night. What are we doing? I was just going to post something on Instagram call today.

That's it. Should we go to Ozatar? Should we like work out together? We should go to Ozatar. All right. All right. Well, we are we, is that it? Is that what we have?

All I got. Okay. Rayna's got a man. I'm still her number one. I'm still her husband. So now you guys are all to date. We have a man in the house studio of us today. It's been a minute.

It's not time for you to talk yet. He is breaking that fourth wall. Oh, shit. Just get out. out of here. He is a New York City comedian. You might have seen him on America's Got Talent. Please welcome to the house studio. Osama Sadiqi Rhymes and Freaky. What's up? Freaky Dikis. How are y'all how you doing? Sadiq Freaks. My fans are called Siddique Freaks. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh. I don't know. Why don't I have a better

last name? Yeah. Greenberg heard. What would you do, Hasselty de Heseltine? The Heseltine. The Heseltineis. Heseltineis. Heseltinis. Heseltinis. Heseltinis. Heseltenies. Wait, so, but your podcast is Mango Bay, right? Do you guys call them Mango Bayes? We call it Mangostanis. Okay. Like Pakistanis? Yeah, we got it.

I don't know if you know any countries besides this in England, so I want to make sure. I don't know what you just said. He's like, your name's Ashley and your white girl, so I'm not sure if you know. Pack what? Pakistan. Oh, like a stand? Like I stand that. That's cool.

It's a place. Syria? Like Sirius XM? Fuck yeah. Your fans are freaky-dikis, really? I call them Siddique freaks, but now they're called Siddiqui-D-Frikes. No, freaky-Diki. Freaky Siddiquis.

That might be better than Sadiq-Friks. Spreaky Siddiquis. Freaky Siddiquis. Guys, let us know what you think. Don't DM us. Just DM him. Are you dating anybody? I'm out here.

Okay. I feel like girls don't want to DM you. Are you open to DMs? I remember doing your show or the one that you love your live show. All your fans came out. And so I've met your fans. a little bit. Wait, my show. The little, the New York Comedy Club show.

Oh, the pre-pandembeda remember you had like that you were looking at, you were headlining the show. New Year's Eve? Yes. Okay, that wasn't my show. Okay. That was actually Remmy and Hannah's show. Whatever it is.

When you get on stage, it becomes your show. You have so many fucking fans. That's so funny. Yes, you are that show. You're like verified. So it's your show. We had a lot of, well, also. A lot of your fans came out.

And those are, they're all like the same fans, like Remy's and Hannah's, but it was their show. But it was their show. But yeah. I've been to a Kevin Hart show. shows. I've never seen fans more rabid at an Ashley Hush. Heseltine. Heseltine. The Heseltine. They exploded. They exploded. They were like, you could have just took a shit on the stage. They were like, oh my God, you were such a fucking winner. That's how I started the year. Okay, so I have to tell people how I met you the day

I met you. It was pretty funny. We did a podcast together that never aired. Yeah, that was weird. But, so I go into this podcast, and I did it as a favor to a friend. And I walk in, I start talking to the guy. We're recording the podcast. And he's like, so glad we've Raina Greenberg here from Girls Got to Eat. So tell me what you do besides like the food podcast. And I was like, I'm sorry, what? And he was like, looking at me all can do.

He never looked up what the podcast was. He just assumed it was about a cooking show. I remember laughing my ass out there. I was like, what? That would be very funny, like to have a cooking show as a podcast. Yeah, but also with Raina doing it. You know what I'm saying? Hey, fuck tarts.

We're making Ziti tonight. Secret ingredient. Come. That's what, Mazzarella, fuck that. Cumb. We used liquid nitrogen and we freeze it. And then we bread it and then we fry it.

Put in the freezer and they just drink gum. You don't even eat the lasagna. But I was so glad that you were there because that guy sucks so bad. He was so bad. I remember you coming in super fucking fun and you jumped into like something about like, like, yeah. So like I fucked this guy and I didn't know his name. Sounds like me.

Fuck him. I was like, whoa. Yeah. Comes in hot. It was, I was so into it because you were just such a like, Like, you really didn't give a fuck about that guy. In a way that wasn't even, no, no, in a way that wasn't projecting any sort of, I'm cool. Like, I'm bringing my own energy.

You were just yourself. Like, you really didn't give a fuck. I really didn't like him. And that's what I liked. I was like, this girl is not trying to be someone else. It's not a hologram of you. Thank you. You're just a fucking person.

Wow. This is like so nice. Like you really like are complimenting us both. Like building us up. We haven't even built you up. We are going to bring you down. I never said a girl loves to drink common. And her be like, thank you.

Yeah, I do. You made it sound like it was genuine. Actually, you know what? I think that the first time I saw you, though, was I think maybe at the cellar. Were we together? You may? I think we were together and we were like, that guy's so funny. Thank you so much.

I don't remember. Thank you. Yeah. It was so unforgettable. It's you. I remember because, I mean, you have a, you have a, you know, memorable name. Sure. I thought you were doing like a pungra dance for a second.

You know how you are with Ashley, what are you doing? you know how you get danga danga y'all know you know come right now he knows that joke

where you say like thank you come again really good stuff if I would have made that sound you're good at that it again it makes you want to dance where's the mommy

oh my god thank you I mean the seller's just a great room so it was like probably just a great show But we had to, I mean, that was a while ago, but we have wanted to talk about what we're going to talk about today if we ever get to it. Okay.

So you are here to talk about a topic. So we haven't talked about this. And I asked you what you wanted to talk about on the show. And you brought up, you brought up, growing up Muslim and then having sex. So we're going to talk about that. Growing up in a certain, I mean, growing up in Dallas, I don't imagine is a huge Muslim population. But you'll tell us about it. And then do men like funny women?

Spoiler alert, they don't. I'm single. And so it's actually. No. We're too funny to get boyfriend. And I literally don't care. I have a lot to say about this. Okay.

And I'll say later. So we want you to give people a little bit background and just to sort of connect dots between you and other guests. You are good friends with some of our former guests. Of course. I love most of your old guests. Yeah. Name one you hate though. Dylan Paladino.

I hate that guy. Really. He's my best friend and I can't stand him. Are you guys besties? I love that guy. More so than Brian Park? Yeah. Brian Park has no real friends.

I like that Ashley was like really rank them Wait is this true No I'm totally kidding He's like I'm Dylan's best friend Brian I like when Dylan's dad talks about you on yesterday Dylan's dad is like Osama is my real son And I'm like dad you're hotter than your own son

What the fuck is going on? Is he like dad hot? Okay last Thanksgiving I will never forget this Because I was like do I send this text Because I just met Dylan Oh my God I text him and I was like What's up with your dad's hair?

hands. Dude. They're huge. Forget it. I'm done and done. I don't even like men that are over 19, but like big hands. His dad is giant. His dad's hot.

Very hot. Very giant hands. And Dylan gets weird around him like, hey, dad. What's up? She's blushing. That's weird. Well, they, is he, is he a younger dad? Like, is he?

No, you're like 50s, right? He's a younger dad. But some, I mean, to have a 30 year old. He's not 60s. He's in his 50s. So he knows. That guy fucks. Like, people of our eight, like my age, you know,

we're in our mid 30s. Like, we could actually. actually date Dillanor's dad. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? It's a great age, I think. 35 is probably the hottest age.

We can go either way. I didn't assume you all were 35. I was saying, tell me more about us. What exactly do you like about us being 35? But you're funny, which is a deal breaker. 35, which is the coolest thing about you. Wow.

Okay. I grew up in Dallas. Very Muslim upbringing. No sexuality whatsoever. All repressed. All repressed. It came out in weird ways over the years because I never knew what Jack it up until college.

Until college. I just have all Muslim friends growing up. Like, and go to a Muslim school. Muslim school type shit. It was very insular. My hangout friends were all brown and Muslim. And we were all like,

we didn't know. So we were all like, yeah, what's sex? What? We didn't know. We had no concept. Did you have,

I mean, this is a serious question. Did you have access to like normal cable television? We did, but I never, I was a nerd. How old are you?

Do you mind? I'm 29. Okay. Oh. What? Actually, like, it's too well,

it's too well. Well, no, Yeah, you're too old. That's disgusting. But you're like 10 years too old. But you had a little more internet than we did. A little more internet? Oh, yes.

You know what I'm saying? No, no, this makes total sense. Yeah. If you're in your mid-30s, like, if you're over 30, you could have kind of gotten by without a lot of like internet porn. But you were even like, you know. But it was very like repressed. I didn't have any interest because I was living the life, right? Even if you have the memes, if you're in the scene of the Islam or of the religion,

you don't really give a fuck about what's on the other stuff. If you're like happy and, you know. I was fulfilled in it. So I wasn't like, oh, what's, what's that tit? You know, I wasn't looking for, you know, a lot of kids just like type in tits.com and then it starts, right? I didn't have that. I was just like, I'm cool in this line. And I never would jack off.

I didn't have jacking off. We just didn't have anything. What would happen, though, it would manifest in weird ways. So in high school, he had a sexual orientation. I liked girls. But I was just be watching movies and be playing video games all day. So I didn't really find the need to like, be like, okay, what is the next step? like how do girls look like, whatever.

But I would have these weird things where I would like... Boners. Like boners. Let's start there. But I would have a wet dream every night. So like every night I would have wet dreams. Because he's just backed up. Normal kid who's been jacking off for 20 years by the time he's 20, right?

And the inclination never like, I mean that genuinely. It just didn't come to you? Never. I was such a Muslim kid, right? I was so in it. And what would happen, it was like, either I would have wet dreams or I would, I would like get up in the night, like 2 a.m. I'd like go out to my cul-de-sac and I'd like get naked and I'd run around in the wind.

Okay. And it was my... Like you were awake or this is like... Actually, you're shaking right now. Actually, why are you doing your hands off? Why is she fingering herself? So that was how it manifested in my body. I didn't know how to even express my knee to jack off,

but it would come out, me naked, waiting for a stray breeze to come tickle my dick. And I'd be like, there's got to be a better way. There's got to be a better way. I was just thinking about that. I was like, how do I do the wind thing, but like harness it? Right. You know? So high school, Muslim school?

Not Muslim school. I was a normal school. Okay. But I was very Muslim. Okay. And then all the little jackoff thing didn't happen. And I was just in, you know, praying all the time, you know, that kind of shit. And then college started.

Still, the Muslim wasn't as much, but it was still very weird. Couldn't talk to girls. Okay. What did you go to college? U.T. Dallas. Okay. And was there like a big Muslim community there? Yeah.

Okay. So you like slipped into that. Are the first Muslim you've seen in your life? Yeah. You are. Believe it or not. What is Muslim again? It's like Hindu.

We'll Google it later. It's like Christianity but right. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's like one religion that is real. Yeah. But we like I have a lot of Indian friends. Sure.

But not that grew up Muslim like you like so strict. Right. Probably Hindu. Like Hindus aren't. So Hindus are much more loose. Yeah. And I've talked to my girlfriends a lot about how they grew up and religion and dating and things like that. But I've never interviewed my brown guy friends about their sex life. So let's get back to your sex life. All right. So you go to college.

Yeah, you go to college. I know. I'm so invested in this story. Like when does it hit? I was a freshman year, weird as fuck. Couldn't talk to girls. Didn't what the fuck is going on. Because there's no like, you know, this is how you do it. This is how you talk. This is how you hang out. Like American culture, there's an energy of like how you talk to girls. Hey, it's prom night, ask a girl. There's like milestones of here's how you get a girl or get a guy, right? None of that.

But I was also extra weird. It wasn't like every Muslims like me. I was also like a super gamer type dude. I was never into anything like going outside of that. Like a super introvert. I had friends, but I was content in my world. And when you're content in your world, you don't like, it's kind of like a cult. You don't feel the need to learn anything new.

So looking back in, you're like, yeah, what the fuck? Why don't you search up tits? Google butt. whatever. I felt no need. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

And I would like have, with wet dreams and I would have, have these little like windsturbation outside thing, you know? And it'd be fucking cool as fuck. But that was satisfying to me. I was like, whatever, you know? And Carl started,

wasn't even, had an orientation. Then I meet this girl, this Pakistani girl. And she's like wild. And I'm like, okay, what's that?

I want that. And even after, you know, being her boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. Still didn't fuck for like three more years. Wait,

how do we even get to be in boyfriend, girlfriend? Yeah. You're skipping ahead. Also, because I feel like you're, you're tall, how tall are you? Six one.

Oh, I thought it was a little, okay. Six, two. You really stared deeply in to Ashley's eyes. You sheltered your head to the side and you're like six one. And then it didn't work at all. And I was like,

oh, actually, that's, she's got a good, she's not enough face. You're already too old and now you're too short. But you're, you're not eight feet tall and 19?

I don't think you can do this. You're a good looking guy. Like, so women were probably, like, interested, right? Did this girl have to make the first move? I was, I was goofy looking, though. No, I can see that. I had bun chaps. You know, I had, like, bun chaps that started, like, here.

Please send us that photos we want to go on Instagram. People want to see it. People want to say it. Dude, I was so unfuckable. I was just a really weirdo, weirdo, weirdo, you know? All right, so how do you even get a girlfriend? And how do you, like, make her your girlfriend? Okay, so this girl is also weird, you know?

She's also equally feral, you know? She's like, I'm like, and she's like, blah. And I were like, ah, bitch, what? But she was wild? She was just a wild person, didn't have any decor. He was also very Muslim, you know? So we were both of super Muslim kids. She didn't make decor, like there's no candles in our apartment.

I mean decorum. Decorum. Oh, decorum. I was like, oh, decor. Decor. She had no throw blankets on the castle. Her dorm room, she didn't have like. No, she fucked.

You know what I'm saying? No decor. She's a whore. Am I right, fellas? Oh, my. No time for decorations. Take your pants off. Too busy fucking.

Get a candle. What the fuck? Oh my God. Did you say decor? He said decor. I meant as a decorum and I came out decor and she was like, eh. I was like, oh. You're going to stop the whole podcast.

I was like, am I going to bring it up? I'm picturing this like dorm room with like blank walls. There's like, you guys are just like fucking on this. straight jackets. I was just like, why did you bring up the decor? There was none. Decorum. What is happening?

Oh, my goodness. All right. So you're in an empty room with bunk. Yes. So I'm in Bellevue and there she is hanging out. And so basically it was okay because we were both very Muslim. And so we kind of like Muslimed our way into like, I like, I like you. And then she was like, okay.

And she was like an out into me. Then I went to Bangladesh. She came back. She's like, by the way, I like you too. And I'm like, fuck yeah. And then we start like going out, doing like very Muslim level stuff. Like why? Like kissing, holding hands and nothing more than that.

First time I sucked her tits. After I did it, I was like, I got to go. How do we even know how to do that? I just put my mouth on it and just like move my mouth, right? And after I did that, I was like, I got to go. And I left immediately, went to my car and started like heaving. I was like, what the fuck? Holy shit, the fuck is this.

I couldn't take it. It was so. wild to like even touch someone's nipples that it blew my fucking mind. And I just like stayed there. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Pray to God. I was like, we good. We're good. And I was like freaking out. But slowly went more and more. First of when I touched her pussy, I like almost cried. It was like crazy. I was like undoing the Islam of my. Yeah. And like was this was there a thought? Obviously there's like guilt here. But is there a thought that like your that's not what your parents would want you to do? Oh, for

sure. Yeah. Okay. If my mom found that out, she still thinks I'm a virgin. My mom still. She does. Okay, so you haven't totally, like, rebelled against, like, the family? I do whatever I want now, but my mom, I don't tell anything. You mean, my mom's knowledge is, you know, very powerful. And so one time she asked me, she was like, she won't listen to this. You know you're on a podcast and you just said that you sucked a nipple, right? My mom has no idea how to open her own homepage. Okay, my dad listens to our podcast on our website.

Yes, okay. Do you think you can tell your mom? My dad's love their daughters and so much that they hear all their sex, podcast. I know. My dad just, my dad likes listening to the sound of my voice. Her dad's a unique, dude. I will see so many female comics like. So then I fucking like 69 the fuck out of him. Hi dad. It's like, what the how are you okay with this? Yeah, I do a bit about I, I fucked this guy that worked for my dad. I did it in front of my dad. And he was like, came up to me. He was like, you're so funny, sweetie. Like after the show. Our dad just don't care. They're just so proud

of us. But my dad would, her dad's different. My dad would never listen to this. He can see it on stage, you know, when he's drinking and there's people laughing. Because I think he's like, she's killing it. He would never tune into this. He literally, my brother and my dad would never listen to the podcast. My mom does every episode,

but like, it's very interesting, Raina's dad like, cues up the episode. It was like, she sucked up. I can't. My dad said to me,

I don't care that you gave a blowjob to someone whose name you didn't know. In fact, I love you more for it. Honestly, I think I improved his sex life. Raina, honestly,

you are well adjusted given the circumstances that that's happening. Rana, my mom would see you and call you Satan. I'm sorry. I come down to Dallas to visit my dad, I'll hook up with your mom. And she'd love it probably. She'll suck your mom's tit.

She'd love it. She would love it. She's waiting for it. In the Cobb isn't doing the job. Okay. So your parents are totally clueless. My dad knows what the fuck is up. Oh, really?

One day she was like, I was like driving. She was like, well, I'm crying. She's like, do you sleep? She couldn't even say sex. She was like, do you sleep? And I was like six hours a day, baby. And she was like, what? I'm like, anyway, I'll see you later.

She met you fuck girls. You were like six hours a day? I have a question. Okay, so with the girl, you said you like touched her, you said so eloquently, you touched her pussy. Was there a lot of discussion between you guys, like what I'm comfortable, like, with guys, like, white guys, they just do it. They just touch your pussy. Oh my God. We were you guys like talking about it a lot. We had a discussion.

Like boundaries discussion. Boundaries and stuff is like, okay, are you ready for this or whatever? Or like, no. Put your finger like, are you ready? Okay, these two are going in five, four, three, two, two, one. Yeah. Those are good hands. I know.

I would get fingered by those. I used to think, is there a fingering episode or you get fingered by your guests? We have a whole episode about figuring. We do a little segment at the end where you finger us. Hello, Patreon fans. We got this hot one for the next. First, you film me and Ashley fingering each other.

And you finger us. Ray and I do everything together. And then your doorman comes up and they finger all of us, okay? No, that was why I walked into the bill. He's the substitute. We will not let Chris do it. Chris, it's so disgusting. But trust no Chris.

Dude, I literally came up. I was like, Chris was hot. You're like, ugh. Guy one of the most beautiful dudes I've seen all week. You're like, ugh. No, we're like, do we have another door man for you? He's good looking. Honestly, I wish he'd walk through that door and walk into the sea.

Because he's disgusting. He's disgusting. He's good looking, but he doesn't have the right swag for the building. He can't join the boy band. Dude, I walk into your building. I looked in the courtyard. I saw Chris, and he was shining. There's a halo coming out of his head.

And he like, ugh, he just cleans up. up and I look at the courtyard and there's this girl in like a leather tight ass leather cat open skirt like looking at her email I'm like what is going on in this courtyard it's a nice place okay this goes away like ass chap stongs

coming out she's like oh Gmail indeed what is going on here I know and it's like we're in the heart of the East Village it's a real oasis it's hot yeah it's hot over here there's a Peloton there's a Pelotone everyone fucks on it

It's a crazy Peloton. Palaton. Ashley saw someone on the Peloton the other day and sat in the courtyard and mean mugged him every 15 seconds turned around. I touched on a very important point. I wouldn't have found this out unless I wanted to get on it and I was upset that he was on it still. She was like, I'm going to give this guy a stink eye every 15 seconds until he leaves. It's a problem that he's like existing in the world. In fact, if I saw him on the street, I'd kill him.

And there was another guy in the courtyard eye with him. he's cute now she goes oh no everyone in the building hates him i talk about him with the dormant all the time this guy lives in the common areas why i see the common areas every day all day he'll play guitar he's face timing he's on speakerphone oh my god he just utilizes the comments is this an ad for the building oh my god guys we got to get back to the thing green anyway so yeah the uh pussy pussy and um We never fucked at all because it was such an unthinkable thing. It was such an unthinkable thing.

And then we went out for a little bit. Then sophomore year didn't do anything with anybody. We broke up and I was just like, no girls, back to Islam, go back into it. Then junior year, I was ready to fuck, but I was too scared to actually do it. So I used religion as a way to make myself not feel like shit. So I was like, I would try to fuck girls, but I'm Muslim and I can't because Islam. At that point, I was gone from that idea. but I was too much of a bitch to like act on it yet.

How did you come around to like being over? A girl fucking basically took my dick and fucked it. No, no, no, that's, I mean. Wait, wait. I mean, how did you? No, no, no, we'll get to that. Yeah, I just mean like you grew up like pretty religious. You like touch a titty.

You hyperventilate. You panic attacks. So how, like, in a year and a half do you come around to be like, I'm down with that? It was a lot of parties. I was to be in a frat. So we just go to like parties all the time. We drove road trip everywhere, A&M, Austin and just like party. And so I was like a, I like party.

I like people. And eventually I just met so many people in my life. And I was like, okay, I know what I want. Slowly you get out of that sort of mental cage you put for yourself. Like, it took a while. It took a long time. But in college you just meet so many people that, you know, whites, blacks, Asians, whatever, you just lose that.

The cages starts to like just dissipate. And so you don't realize it's happening until it happened. And you're like, oh, fuck, wait a second. I'm totally different than I was. Right. It's a slow burn. Right. Very slow burn.

So yeah, this girl was a brown girl who was Indian, not Bengali, so I'm Bengali, east of India. This is a brown girl. And she was like a fucking, like, every brown group got that one brown ho. Like she is down. She is down. Her name's probably Pooja or fucking, you probably know a Pooja, that one brown ho who's like, she fucks, huh?

We had one of those. Her name was, we can't tell her. You know what? She probably listens to Plotka. Well, tell her Pooja. Okay. Which was her name. and, uh, oh my God.

We'll call her Pooja because her name was Pooja. Okay. Rhymes with Pooja and it is Pooja. Um, so Pooja was this kind of like, like, this kind of like the known. She likes to fuck and she's not sad about it because Indians, Indian girls who fuck are very ostracized mentally. Even my girls who are also fucking like, like, you know how girls do with like fucking like fuck you, you're a whore.

Right. Indians have that even more so like double. Of course. Right. You know this, right? And even the ones who fuck, there's like a sort of how much of a whore can You be... Well, how much do you...

Are you, like, presenting your sexuality, probably. Right, right. It's how much... Not so much that you're getting penetrated from time to time, but are you, like, a sexual being in public? Yes, yes. Intermittent to penetration or, like, are you sexual, like, in your... Are you a fucking slut?

So, she was a sleut, right? And then, in the best way, in the best fucking way, she loved herself and she did what you wanted. Go off puja. Go off puja. Danga-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang-dang! But with her pussy. Okay.

Can I just give a shout out to all my ladies who are just slatting it up and love themselves? You know, like. You do it like listening to Tiesto too. No, I'm doing the singling. You have. Single ladies. Yes. Yes.

Yes. That would never be a brown song because she would get married by the end of the song. Yeah. Like all the. married now. So she, we were in a frat and so that frat was kind of like dudes were fucking wearing that frat.

And we had this one beta kite, they had a party. And she came up to me. It's like, I'm like a fucking like weirdo. Again, I'm still like a weird guy. Mutton chops. But it was known that I was funny at that point. So by that point I was like a funny guy. And so she liked that. And she came up to

she literally walked up to me. She's like, listen, I'm going to you right now. I'm going to be the best fuck you ever had. Oh my God. A 19 year old Pooja is dropping lines like this? 19. She was, I think, freshman, so I think 18. And she was, I'm going to be the best fuck you ever had. And I looked at her.

You were like, you'll be the only if you ever. I was like, there is no way you're wrong about that. And she's like, ooh. I can't, like, I'm feeling like anxious for as you is like a virginal. Yes, yes. And she came at me with a very, very sexual energy. I was, you think? I had to be like, yeah, me too.

No, totes, totes, yeah. You as well. Um, for sure, for sure. Listen, Pooja, there's a lot of competition for that role, but I'll let you apply. Pooja, do you have decor? Are you decorous? Okay. And she, she came to me, she's like, I have the best decor you've ever saw.

I'm like, okay, Pooja. Throw pads like you've never seen. Shot keys everywhere. Driftwood on my wall. It says live laugh, love. You don't even know. Exposed brick. Oh, cornucopia.

fine construe about A cinnamon broom She's a fall decorous This I will never have more to say Than you guys Cinnamon broom I saw one this morning And just came to me

And traitor jokes And I bought 10 Okay Cinnamon broom Jesus fuck in Christ Jesus Christ Oh my God That was so fucking white

Okay Jesus Like Rana's white But Ashley is on some other shit Ashley went to Trader Joe's and got a cinnamon broom. Are you?

I'm like, I'm not Trader Joe. Rayna, Redd has the inner Puerto Rican. You are so white. It's like illegal. Like, what the fuck? The podcast is over after this. Ashley were we'll never have a better episode of this. Actually, I realized after all this time,

Ashley has no idea, actually. So yeah. We were talking about decor. You said you can't out riff me on decor. So listen. just let me live. I'm not candles this morning that are wrapped in wood.

Oh, I can't look at it. That is the, why they're everywhere now? Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay. Guys, I'm so hot. That is the problem.

So anyway, this bitch. So she hit me up. She's like, hey, this is my dorm. Get over here. And if you don't bring some cinnamon brooms, you can bother coming. Okay.

Literally. You can rub your dick with the wind. Run around the quads. Yeah, go catch a breeze. Run around the quad. Go catch a breeze, bitch. Hey, what's the barometric pressure on that dick? Jesus Christ.

Ugh. We will get one story out at the end of this hour and a half, we promise you guys. Oh, my God. So I'm terrified. And as I was talking to all my friends knew I was trying to get laid. And so basically they would do that thing. We're like, as you're talking to a girl, they're like humping from behind her. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. The thing that dudes do, they're like, you're talking about a girl, and they're like, and then she turns around, they're like, they stop one second too late, so they see like two, idiots, right? It's like straight out of American pride. Were you drinking, by the way? Do you drink? Did you drink back then?

I drink back then. I drink now, back then was not drinking. Okay. So I never even bought condo before. I had never even done that. So you're a virgin who doesn't drink. I don't fucking drank. So then I go to 7-Eleven because she's like, okay, I'm going to go to my dorm, come whenever, right?

Wow. This is like a dude's fucking dream. It's just a girl. Be like, hey, you suck. I'm going to get you, right? Yeah. And so I'm like, yeah, sure. Yeah, fuck yeah.

And then I run to my friends. I'm like, where do I go to my condoms? And I like, go to 7-Eleven. I'm like, okay, bruh. So I go to 7-Eleven. And there's an Indian guy there, obviously. And he looked at me with such happiness. Like, he hadn't seen an Indian guy in like years, right?

And I'm like, you have no idea what's about to happen. So then I go. I was like, okay, I heard the word Trojan before. I'll buy a Trojan. So I get the gray box. I was like, okay, fucking Trojan. I get the Trojans. And then he looks at me like, oh, you're one of those Indians, huh?

Oh, fuck. And then he's like, so sad. And I buy the condoms. Get out of here. I hate that guy almost cries seeing me buy condoms. I don't know how to put on condoms. So I'm in my car. Practicing?

Practicing? In the parking lot, right? But I'm, it's a middle of a park. It's a middle, you know, like, parking lots that have like rows, right? We've been to them before. You know parking lots, right? Yeah. Was it daylight?

Your dick's out on the daylight. It was like 7 p.m. Right? Yeah, they were at a party, right? 7 p.m. 8 p.m. We left for you from the party. And so I'm at the 7-11 parking lot and I'm trying on,

pants were off, I'm trying on. I'm doing the roll-up, roll-off thing, right? I'm like, okay, I hear you have to roll up and roll off to see which one, which side it is. So I'm doing that. As I'm doing that, a car just like comes with his headlights. And then it's like my dick is like right above the steering wheel

and they just see it. And then they like, Oh, no. They literally just back out and just leave. They don't even stay, but whatever they had to buy. So they just, like, they saw my dick. I was like, ah, they back out, bounce. I'm like, fuck.

I lose two condoms in the situation. And I, the last condom. They're expensive for a college kid. Exactly. So I go to this girl's dorm. And she's like ready. She's like, and I'm blown away. This is like a terrifying thing.

She's a little drunk. She's like drunk as fuck. And then she is, I'm like skinnier than I am. Now I'm very, very skinny. Like, bored. And she, she's like, hey, wait. Like making out. She's like, stop.

She's like, wait, you're not a virgin, are you? And I'm like, what? No. But I wanted to leave room for me to suck. So I was like, it's been a long time, though. Good job. That was very on the move, quick. Right.

Okay, feel free to steal that line, girl. Yes, yes. It's been a long time, though. So even if you suck, it's okay, you're not a fucking virgin. It's not weird. Yeah. And she's like, I got you. I got you.

She gets on top and she does two pumps, three pumps, and then she passes out on me. What? She's so drunk. Dick inside. Dick inside, right? passes out. Passes out. And she's,

I'm skinny and she's very, not as skinny as me. So now I'm like suffocating under her body. I can't, I can't breathe. And I'm like, under her like left in, I can't literally,

so you suck it a little bit. So I suck it a little bit. I'm like, okay, still got it. Daddy still got it. You know? I don't know my way

and I'm gonna be able to the nipple. Oh my God. I don't think it's Thai boys and I came fucked a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Like they had a little moment. So yeah, I was like,

okay, Papa gonna get a little squeeze in. and obviously not I was terrified she was like on me and I was like I couldn't like literally like not breathe I had to push her off like one move at a time

right I finally got off right and I was like wait this is sex yo this is why I'm going to hell so then what I did was like as I was still like come still like on my dick I started praying like immediately so I like I had like cum dick

and I was like okay which ways okay start praying Oh, God. I was so freaked out from sex. Yeah. Then I just started praying right there. And it was literally like my con was hanging out. I was like freaking out.

Yeah, yeah. She's dead on the bed. She is. Your naked. My dead body. Bloody, you know. And you're praying.

And I'm praying. Really? Like a profound moment. Yeah. Someone walked in on that. That would not be a good look. It was fucking crazy. Right.

And then I stayed over. And then next day we woke up and she, we fucked again. It was fine. What? Wow. Oh, you just, oh. Fooked in the morning? Yeah.

This is like a profound experience. Yeah. Very intense. Very intense. Because I'm very elastic, right? So I can, back then I was very rigid. But once I went past, you know, cross the Rubicon, I was like, okay, let's go. So once I had that first inside moment, I was like, holy fuck.

This really took a turn, though. Like you were like praying all night long and you just woke and were like, fuck it, let's do it again. Then I woke up again. I was like, you know what? I'm already going to hell. I'm already going to hell. It was very much a fuck it's too. Is that really how you felt?

I'm just making fun of you. But is that really how you felt? Like, I'm already going to go to house. So like I'm going to keep doing it. It was a moment. But then I was like, I didn't think about it. I was like, okay, this could be bad later on. You know what I'm saying?

You know, on Judgment Day. They just show my cum dick praying. Like, what's this? Remember? Remember this? Remember when you were cum dick praying? Um, and I was freaking out. But I was like, whatever.

This is so good. It was such a good feeling. She was so like a porn. Like, it was like, a girl that sexually realized with a guy that not sexually realized. It's such a fucking gift to that guy. Yeah. And I think girls, when they do that, it's like, really, they don't realize. how cool they're being.

That's so great. You know what's also so crazy is like to be sober. Like. Yeah. And like lose your virginity, you know, to like a stranger sober. I mean, it's just so wild to even think about. Because like how many like, you know, most people, you just, you've got to drink your way through your early sex life. Right, right. It was crazy.

It was wild. I was terrified of the docking. So I was like. Of the what? Docking the dick into the pussy. Like getting in there. Like how do I get it in? That was a terrifying thing.

So when you got on top, it was like a godsend. I was so scared. I thought it was like you had two tries. And if he didn't work, you were just, yeah, you couldn't fuck. Because you're like not watching a ton of porn at this point, right? No. Oh, yeah. Like, did you guys, like, what happens day two?

Do you keep like fucking or? We, we, then it becomes like one of those like fuck situations where it's like, we fuck every once in a while, you know, like every couple of days. I just go to her dorm, we fuck. And then she hits me with the, what are we? And then we stop. But then I meet a girl I do you want to be with kind of as a girlfriend? and then I saw going out with her,

then I meet her the next day, the first girl on a bus, and she sees me with the girlfriend, and she's like, oh, well, who's this bitch? And all of a sudden you turn into a player? You were like, this virginal guy. He's like, I changed your whole life and this is how you were painting.

Oh, I know. I come in like a purple hat and like feathers. I'm like, I'm going to Pimp now. Thanks for everything, Pooja. Thanks for everything, Pooja. Which is not your real name, which it is. XO, XO, XO, XO, goodbye. And since then, been settally coming up in the

you know. Okay. You know, they've been trying to make it for a last time ever since. Do you have siblings? Yeah, too. And is this something that you discussed with your siblings? No, no. I would not. I don't go to fuck.

How old are your siblings? Four years older. Okay. And then one is three years younger. I was just curious because I mean like, I have an opposite sex siblings. So like we would have talked about sex growing up, but I didn't know if like you, like, you like, who do you turn to? I mean, obviously, you'd friends.

But you don't talk about that within your family. Are they still on the, like, conservative? No, no, no. They're still. My brother's married. my little brother is, he's fucking this white girl. It's all good. Oh, okay.

It's all good. Oh, okay. I just wasn't sure. We all came out of it, you know? I was the most Muslim out of all of them. I was really like in it. But once we got out of it, we got, oh, pretty nice. When you go home, do you still like pray and adhere to like those things with your parents?

But discipline's gone, you know? I still have like a spiritual bent to it. But that's about, I'm not codified like that. So you date white women. Sure. Do your parents disapprove of that? know. They don't know what I do. No, I know, but if you, like, let's talk about down the road. Like, do you want to get married one day? Sure, sure. Okay.

My brother's dating white one, you know, and he brought that white girl to like a family thing. Oh, okay. But it wasn't chill. It was like, my mom was cool with it. She was like, okay. I'll deal with it. My dad was kind of like, what is this? What the fuck? You know, and it's kind of like not okay. But, you know. I just didn't know if it was like a, like, we won't, we won't like actually support it. So I didn't know if that was what you were dealing with. Yeah, no, it's much more as don't talk, don't tell kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? So it's like whatever, right?

And New York is so fucking chill, you know? Oh, of course. Like, everyone's fucking everybody. Yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. But okay, so you're like 20s or dating somebody. Like, how did that affect your ability to, like, sexually experiment and ask for things you want? Sure, sure.

It was, I mean, dude, the day I kissed a girl for the first time, y'all were doing anal or something. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I was not doing anal that day. I don't know if I might have been getting, like, my asshole, like, lick. I didn't do anal to 2012. 2012, really? Late bloomer.

Yeah, my anal did not bloom. No, 2011 is the first time I did anal. After the $800 dinner. Yes. Yeah. That's how much it costs. 2011. It costs anal costs.

In this town? In this town. In this town. That's not adjusted for inflation. I feel like today would be $1,200 for that. Yeah. I don't know. The market's weird right now.

I don't know. During COVID, it might come back down. Right. Right. To Westchester. What's the ask mark? it these days. I mean, how much would it cost at this point? To stick it in my butt? How much you got?

I have a wink and a vibe. I got a vibe. And I got some cinnamon brooms in the back. I got a vibe. We can work with that. How many cinnamon brooms? Can we videotape it and send it to Dylan and maybe he'll fall in love with these Oh my God. We're going to send to Brian Park and be like, get some friends. This how you make friends. All right?

You make friends. Brian didn't even fuck us. It was so weird. So did you have to, did you feel like you had to overcome a lot of this of like the guilt stuff? Like, I mean, I want to, I want to finish that about like asking for stuff. And like, can you? It's the same question. Same question, basically. The idea is here, okay. So when I started fucking, I was still kind of like locked in a little bit.

Once I got to New York to do stand up, right? I was going to go to med school in A&M. We got to talk about this. Fuck that. I was like, fuck that. Before I just leave, I just came to New York to comedy, right? When I came to New York, that was the moment. I was like, okay, let's live on the other side of this.

Let's do, let's take off everything that was holding you back and go that much more sex positive. So that's when everything opened up. That's when asses were being licked, you know, rods were being shoved, you know, anything was down. 69's fucking acid. What else is crazy? Fucking mask shit. Yeah. And I have a kind of more serious question.

Do you still believe in your religion? Sure. Yeah. But it's not, it's, it's, let's form, let's codified. It's not as like, oh, this is what's happening or like this is it. It was just more, it's more like universalist kind of. It's more like macro. Okay.

Right. Like, well, and I like, my parents are unitarian universalism. Like they're kind of like, yeah, there's higher power, but we're like, the other. We grew up Christian Methodist, like not super strict ever, but they've kind of like, yeah, we're spiritual. There's a higher being, but who's to say? So I was just curious if you ever rejected it. Like, this is bullshit.

Like I'm, I can live my life and have sex and do these things that are like, not I'm not supposed to do and still be like a good person and not go to hell. Well, sure. Also, Islam is not a monolith, you know? So it's not like it's like every Muslim guy is like that. I just assumed it was like that. So that's why when I left it, I was like, oh, thank God I'm gone. But really, you go back to it because you realize there's so many types of Muslims.

And there's so many, it's a gradient of thought and how people, even the most Muslim Muslims have differing ideas on the highest level of sex or drinking, whatever. So at that point, you just kind of let go. You're like, okay, I can be Muslim and fuck. It's okay. I still get death threats on fucking Instagram from like random fucking Muslim dudes Who like don't know how to fucking like

Do grammar but they'll hate They'll do death threats but like Yoda grammar Yeah Like kill you I must you know But they feel like you're somebody that has a platform And you're not using it for the way that That that um You all get random dudes right

We're trying to like subjugate y'all right Everybody has an opinion about how you should be Right men Y'all like yourselves You know so that is so scary to a dude You know like just seeing Raina be like, yeah, what the fuck? Like, if I was not, if I was a beta male, that would freak me out.

There's a dude that, like, DMs me, like, really, like, insulting stuff, like, like, once a week, probably. And I just, like, let him live in there. And I will never block him. And I will never look, like, I'll see him every once in a while. And then I go in and he has been having a conversation with himself, insulting me for months. I'm like, how pathetic and obsessed are you? My mind that y'all, fuck as much you all do because y'all see positive qualities.

and that many men, you know what I'm saying? Like, how do you get through all that personality to fuck? Well, it's a special kind of person that sees something on the internet stops their day. I'm not out here. I could be fucking more. I think it is a special kind of disgusting person that sees something on the internet, stops their day, sends a stranger, a horrible message that you insulted me and my personal beliefs when listening.

That has nothing to do with you. And that is like a sad, pathetic person. And they, those bad persons not having sex. But here's thing, it's like in the patriarchal society, right? it's still very much like someone who is unapologetically themselves, especially if they're a girl. It is like not lauded. It's like, ugh, you know, why are you like being so yourself? Possibly because those dudes are scared to be themselves.

So when they see you being like completely one with your energy, they're like, oh, fuck. Some guys, because some guys, the right guys love it. Awesome. That's even cooler. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I see a lot of it in New York. Okay, Adam.

I have a question about your sexual exploration because you brought something up when we were talking about what we were going to talk about today. and you brought up open relationships. Is that something that you felt like I have been like stifled my whole life sexually and so I'm not gonna like tether myself to one person? Wait, are you, you do that? Yeah, sure.

Oh, I didn't know. Actually, she's back in. She's back in. I don't know. I wanted to be monogamous. I don't know if I'm in now. He hasn't made you yet. Now you guys are together.

Is that the twist of this podcast? No, we just invite dudes on and then we like rock paper scissors who gets to fuck them. Yeah. Girls got to eat. But we're gonna wait till we're gonna wait till the fingering to decide.

Patreon. But the open relationships have you brought up and I don't know that if you've ever been in an open relationship, but you brought it up. So did you feel like I can't be like tethered to one person because I've been stifled for so long. Tethered. Yeah, when I didn't fuck for a long time,

I definitely had that vibe. I was like, okay, time to fucking, let's make it happen. And I just, New York is the place. If you're trying to like be a not Muslim guy who fucks a lot, like New York, right? So that was going on for a while. I met this girl who's super cool, European. And she was like, hey, I want to kind of be with you,

but you know, I kind of fuck other people. and I was like, okay, okay, yeah, let's do it. And so it was like, I'll open with that, whatever. It's just like one of those things I'm like, I'm not seeking it out, but I'm open to whatever comes. I love that. You know what I'm saying? It was like someone else that kind of like open dries to it. Women have taken me on the journey.

It's not really me doing anything. Women have been like, all right, all right, all right, all right. I love to hear that. I love to hear that. You lean into it. You know what I'm saying? And so it was just sort of like open rules. Like if you were out for the night, like if you did a set, you got up stage and

some girl was like, let's go for a drink. Like was it cool if you want to date with somebody else? I'm always curious what people's parameters are in open relationships. It's all about, people think it's just like you just fuck and high five and it's all good. No, I don't. There's a million different ones. I think they're all different.

They're all different. Every single one, in my opinion, has to have dialogue in it. You have to talk about the rules or else it's not going to work or else the ego comes out. So that's the main thing. It's not about just fucking. It's about talking all the time about what's good. You're good? You're good?

You're good? You're good. You're good. I'm going out, but you're good. our thing was okay don't talk don't tell don't bring her into my life and I won't bring them into your life but just like you know

but I'm your girlfriend and you're my boyfriend and you're my boyfriend and so like you help me you support me I support you all that is there but we can fuck anyone we want that started fraying when she started like going to my phone sometimes

and then saw like some black tits and she was like what the fuck is this and I was like yeah it's whatever you know and then she's like no But then it was the worlds were colliding. Were you allowed to go on dates with people and have sleepovers for people? Sleepovers. You mean like fuck them in their house?

I'm just like, I'm always, I'm always interested about what people's boundaries are because every open relationship that we've talked about has a totally different parameter. Like we've met comics that like on the road can fuck somebody, but at home you're my primary partner or whatever. Yeah, you can stay over. It's all good, but just don't bring it into my life.

I don't want to know about her. I don't want to, yeah. For me, it would be like, I don't want to know anything. I don't, I want to actually believe that like, this is a monogamous relationship. Even if I'm, even if I'm seeing other guys too, like just completely don't want to know.

And it would need to be more like if I dated somebody that traveled. It was like, do what you got to do in the road. But like, I hope that you don't like start to really develop feelings for this person. And like, yeah, whatever, go get a blow job.

Fine. That's fun. You know, but as opposed to like, you're texting funny stuff with this. That's what would hurt my heart. Like I've always said that. Like,

if I were dating somebody and it was like, I found out that they got their dick sucked or whatever. Sure. by somebody at a bachelor party, unless, for example, as opposed to I see something of them, like, flirting and being funny and sharing inside jokes,

I would hurt so much more. I got you. I got you. Same with you, same shit? 100%. I mean, I always sort of liken it to comedians, because, like, I think about, like, if my man was, like, on the road all the time, got upstage in, like, Kansas City, and somebody wanted to blow them, like, go off.

Like, go for it. Go off. Get off and go off and go off. If I looked at your, like, text messages and I saw you guys had, like, inside jokes, and you like that would break my heart. It would break my heart. What the fuck is this?

And it's like a SpongeBob meme. What the fuck is this? No laughing. I mean, if you want to talk about funerals, that's fine. You can talk about sad stuff. But yeah, I don't want any prolonged community. But that's hard. I think that's everybody's concern is that it's a slippery slope.

Right. That like the next day you do text the person. You're like, thanks for the blowjob. That was great. And then they make you laugh and then I'm murder you. Exactly. And no, and that would be my bar too. So no other funny women.

I got you. So if she's, I'm the funniest woman in your life. Yes. Got you. Right? If she tells a joke, you can't ever talk to her again. Okay. That's insane.

Knock knock. Bitch, I'm gone. I'm gone. Knock, knock. Who do you think you are? Or, you know, what would be ideal is that she tries to be funny and she's not. So that you can fuck that girl. Oh, sure.

Oh, God. And then you just like look over a dead fucking corpse. Like, you suck. You fucking suck. But thanks for blowing my boyfriend. Because I didn't really want to last week. Honestly, we're going to go to a Dave Chappelle show and you're not invited. Would you say her a thank you note for both of you?

Thank you for taking care of that blowjob. Sincerely, his bitch. Tyler really needed one and I just wasn't up for it. Tyler really needed one. I was writing jokes for when he got back. Well, I forget who, this is not my joke, but this was a comedian back in Atlanta. And I loved his joke about him saying like, Hillary was smart to like outsource the blow jobs to Monica Lewinsky. Like, of course, she was like, yeah, let the intern blow you.

I don't have time. Like, I like, love that joke. It's so good. I think Hillary didn't know that Bill was like Go to Libya and blowjobs You know what I'm saying? Yeah Hillary's like I don't have time for this

Benghazi and Call Monica And Monica speaking of like Who took that shit to the next level Like she is on a tour That woman is on a blowjob tour We should have her on She would kill it

Oh she's actually like She's out here She's on these streets right now And she just like opening jokes about it too Like I remember You gotta own it She's like so Bill was at my place

The other day And I was like ha! Go on it! bitch. Like Monica owns it in the coolest way. She's definitely a death threats, but yes. Yes. She's got those, she's got men in the DMs ripping her apart, but go off Monica. So she owns it. If I was, if I gave the most famous blow job of all time, I would never suck talking about it. Honestly, she should have like a collab with Kmart, like blue dress, like the blue dress line. Like that would crush.

I have one more thing to say about the own relationship thing. I just, I always find over relationships interesting because like it sometimes seems like one person wants it in the other one doesn't, or that like they're doing it as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship, which someone once gave us the advice that's like the worst time to do it is when things were bad between you. And I thought that was interesting. Well, it's all ego based. You know, if the ego comes in, that's when the thing starts to derail. When you can do an open relationship and both partners are, have no ego. Like they're just like, I respect you and love you. You respect and love me. And your actions do not reflect on me and my actions are reflect on you.

That's power. Now you're cooking with some fucking gas. the moment you try to have the ego towards it, like you belong to me, any sort of property energy of like your mind, that's when it goes off. But that's like doing work and like being really evolved. Like, because I'm the first person to admit, like I don't feel like I'm quite there yet. Like I have a little more territorial.

I don't know. But you never know. Like that's just like inner work and shit like that. I feel like the gasoline. If I found out you slept with somebody, like I'd burn your house down. That's where the gas. Making a cooking with gas.

Yeah. Well, I wanted to move on a little bit from like sex and relationships and talk about the fact that you, you're a comedian and your parents wanted you to be a doctor. Sure. Because I think that's probably what a lot of people deal with. Muslim aside, anything. You know, white parents, like whatever.

Like, this is what you're supposed to do in life. It's just be a doctor, a lawyer, a politician, whatever. And you just are like, no, I'm going to do something else. Like, was there contention there? Yeah, of course. I mean, because when you're, when you're like American, like American kid and you find your thing, you're like, oh, my God, I found my thing. This is amazing.

I'm going to do this fresh in my life. Yes. If you're like an Asian kid and you find your thing, you're like, wow, what an amazing kid. side hobby I just found to supplement my actual income. So you've had that idea for like years, right? And even when I started comedy in junior year of college, I was doing it once a month, maybe in Dallas. That you really knew. I kind of was scared though, you know? So I was like, I don't know. And even to the very end, I was like, I'm going to do med school. I'm going to get

in the med school. It's all good. I saw this one documentary. Have you all seen this one documentary? Have you all seen this one documentary? Jiro dreams of sushi? Yes. It's like the most famous documentary. It's like such a fucking famous documentary. It's about it's a hero. He's his famous sushi chef in Tokyo. I went to the restaurant when I went to Tokyo. Like when documentaries became like really hot, I feel like documentaries became like super hot like five, six years ago and that was like the one everybody watched. Okay.

Love how like you were like blown away that I even asked you if you watched it. I'm honestly kind of offended. It's like, remember, fucking from Tokyo. So Jiro was dreaming of sushi. What happened? I saw the film and made with of the film. There's a scene.

I don't you remember it. It's like where he's talking about all he wants to do is. life is get better at making sushi. That's his whole purpose. And they play some Max Richter behind it, some fucking beautiful orchestra. And he's like slowly slicing the fish on the video. And he's just like, all I want to do is create all of my life. You know, he's like, that's all I want to do.

And all I want to do is like upgrade and just keep going higher, higher. Not reaching the top, but just the idea of me going to the top is the life. That blew my mind. The idea that you could live not on some acquisitional shit, but on some day by day is the purpose. That as an Indian kid or Bengali kid is such a foreign idea. Everything, you're living to acquire something, a job, a wife, a marriage, kids. That's your entire framework.

Then Jiro comes in. He's like, listen, doing is the thing. And just getting better at that thing is the thing. That blew my fucking mind. And from then on, I was like, I'm doing comedy. I have to do it. Oh my gosh. I have to go do it.

It's such a great. I love that you liken comedy. I love that you picked cooking because when you said, like, you know, that people, pick these things and it's outside the round my thought of cooking because it's like not what you dream of like is your child's going to like struggle and you know be in this industry where there's no clear path to success and there's no like climbing up the ranks like with comedy and entertainment things like that and so I don't think people dream of their children doing it but like what a great

special thing to do and how brave to do like the creative thing it was a crazy thing to even think about and if I was if I looked back I was naive as 23 so I didn't really know what was coming if I had known maybe I wouldn't have done it but like the level of heart that came right after was so gargantuan that I was like, okay, wow, I'm really living it now. But that moment, that Giro moment, I was like, okay, there's no other choice. I have to do the thing that is going to make every day have purpose or else what's the point? And I can't think of one other moment in my life watching a documentary that it fucking, because I'm not going out saving whales.

Blackfish didn't fucking help me save killer whales, but here I am living exactly how Giro is living. So it was formative. But sometimes it's not, it's not a documentary. it's that someone could say that or you could hear it on a podcast or you could read it in a book. Like it's just the concept that you never thought of. Like no matter where. It could have been fucking the artist's way. Whatever it was.

It hit me at the right time. Right. Really the right time. Like one more day and I would have been in med school. How crazy is it just a wild. That is really crazy. So you like called off med school and like how was this telling your parents? I want to be a comedian.

Oh boy. You want to do like a pots and pans thrown at my face. Oh my God. My mom was like, okay. Okay, okay. Smiling, that fucking smile thing. Hi, okay, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Ba, just starts throwing, fucking danga-ding it,

but like the other way, like really bad. Like minor chords, you know, and my dad is the single dad tier. You know, he's like, all I wanted to do was to help people. And I'm like, dad, I can still help people. Yeah. But in it, there's not that concept that you can help people without four jobs. Are your brothers, doctors? My little brother is a data scientist.

My older brother is a accountant. So I was the one. That was to be the doctor. Exactly. Oh, no. So that's why the tier was for my journey. Yeah. It was tough.

It was tough. Okay. And how has it evolved in the last six years? Now they're chill. So over the years, I just stuck to it. I got a couple credits. If they see you on TV, you're in. 100%.

Because then they understand that. They understand what that is. You know, so once they saw that, they were like, okay, we're good. I think it's really inspirational, like, a beautiful message. I would be, like, joking around a lot. But, like, even when we started the podcast, like, explained it to my 73-year-old father, what a podcast wasn't. It's, like, kind of like, the radio.

and even explaining how you make money. Like my parents had like a hard time understanding. Like I worked at Amazon. I worked at big tech companies. I made a ton of money. Trajectory to like be like sales, all this bullshit. And it's like I left all that to do creative things.

And I think that's scary for a parent. And like, but then they see you like on stage or succeeding. And it's, I just like that message of like, just put your head down and do it. I think, and also people think in America,

they're like, okay, you find your dream. It's fucking good now. Because that, so much, it's such a romanticized thing, the dream.

really the problem start when you start your dream because now you give a fuck about something and you're clicked into life and now everything means something every moment has meaning which is kind of a curse in a lot of ways because you can't be like fucking yeah Vikings and then just like watch football

and that's your life. Right. That's a good life. It's not a bad life because he doesn't have to engage in his life every moment. Everything matters once you find your thing because life is just locked. And then you're not ever separated from your thing.

That's what it is. Like it's all your it's always it's it. you become, yeah. And you become your thing. You're Han Solo, you're like in the encased in your thing. And it's such a fucking, people don't realize that it's like kind of double its sword. Like it is beautiful. But now you're taking on the world's weight every day.

Because now you can't disengage from your own life and it's purpose. Right. Well, if you go to med school, nobody can take away being a doctor from you. But if you decide to be a comedian, you sit at home every day and don't do anything. Like everybody can come and get in front of you and take away from, you know, like you've got a hustle every day for what you do. Yeah. Yeah.

I was, I was such a fucking, Jesus Christ, like in New York. comedy's so fragile, right? Like, just idea of it. And there was a time when I was like starting and I was like really hustling and going for it, like four times a day. But like started fucking some comics and I was like, even even fucking a comic or two

can like undo your dream. And you're like, you forget how volatile this dream is. Oh my God. Let's talk about it. And let's talk about funny women. Yes. Oh, fuck. We're pivoting.

This is the perfect like segue. Yeah. You nailed it. Okay, funny women. He did great job. Oh, okay. So what do you mean it could unravel? because you fucked some comedians and name them all.

Also, can I just ask one more final question? This is deep again. Do you think, do you feel like your parents are proud of you? Yeah. Okay. Because like all I ever want in life is to make my parents proud of you. You know, so I'm glad they're proud of you now. It's great.

Thank you. Yeah, it's a wild thing. And it took a long time. No more pots of pants at your head, which is great for you. And then another question, do they think you're funny? Too much interrelational gap for laughing. Okay. Got it.

There's no laughter in your home. No, we would never Why don't someone laugh Like he's never laughed like he's never laughed before What's that about? We're not hanging out like Hey daddy, blah-da-boop But do you try to do humor

They would laugh at? You don't care My mom's like My mom is like Why don't you do comedy about being a good kid What? What about comedy about helping out on the house? Bitch, what?

About macum? do comedy about how you're the worst you know it's like it's like seriously like she has no a concept you know because comedian was a term used for the word drunkard in Bing Bengali so it's like there's no concept oh like you think you're a comedian okay I got it like your funny skits I love when Rachel Feinstein is like are you going to use that in your skits yeah yeah it's like are we in camp right now what the fuck is you all these comedians um yeah I mean you don't you realize that it could be dicey until you're like in it and this thing you care about so much a comedy I want to be a comedian I want to be a comedian meeting and then comics are hot.

What are you going to do? You know? And you're around them. You're around them and they're chill as fuck and they appreciate that you're funny. You have to be a shit where you eat, man, but we all do. A girl's got to eat, you know? Do you get to work the name of the podcast in every podcast? No. I would always try to do that if my podcast would be. We don't even like introduce each other. Like we feel like I've been listening for years.

We've heard other podcasts, which I think is great. And they're like, hey, I'm Ashley and I'm Raina and we like never do that. Like people just have to listen and try to figure it out. So it sounds taller. It's like, it's like, it's like. anything else. Like, it's,

you gravitate towards people you have similar interests to. Such a great time. And they're so hot, like a funny woman who's like got command of the stage and she's doing like,

he's owning the room. It's like a hot thing to see. It's like, whoa, you are, you are, uh, alchemy,

you know, it's like, like creating something from nothing. And there's no, you're not under any gaze. You're just are. That is hot. Seeing someone in their actual is,

like they're just purpose that they're just living it out. What's harder than that? And so when you see a girl kill, it's like, fucking hot and that's happened like twice, you know? In history. But you think it's hot, but let's talk about why men don't want that.

Well, men are not seeing, like funny women, not all funny women are on a stage, commanding a room selling out a theater, like just a regular funny girl. Do men like that? Men do not like that. Most men. Okay. A lot of men. All right.

Well, that's the end of the discussion. Thanks guys for coming. Here's a thing. No, I want to unpack why? I say because most men have, been inculcated with very fragile male values. Be the man. You know, you are the king, et cetera, right?

It's like you have to keep your space, right? And you are above. So when they see a woman who is, again, herself and is not, her existence isn't affected by my existence, like the male existence, that freaks them out. So like, why is my presence not making you weird or making you like different? Wait, you don't need me in your life? Oh, fuck.

Not only that, you're excelling without me, even scarier. The idea that I'm not the top of the society, I might not even be required in the society, is so scary to a guy because he's been fed this idea that he's the king of all the chimps or whatever. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. So a girl, it's not seen as hot to be funny because it is undoing,

because funny is one of those factors that creates the king. You know, tall, hot, body, body, funny. You're the alpha. Funny is alpha as well. Yeah. So it's an alpha quality. If I don't have that alpha quality, a guy can be like, oh no.

Well, and I think that's what you said. I watched a clip of you on Remy's podcast of saying that like whether you're on a stage with a mic in your hand or you're just at a party and you're making people laugh. Like you have become the alpha in the room. Oh, yeah. And that is what a man can't handle or why he's not interested. And New York is way better about it. Like New York is a lot of cool people on both ends.

You go to fucking Idaho and be funny in a bar. That guy is like, what? You know? In New York, it's all cool because people are chilly. A lot of alphas are here in New York. A lot of alphas. So, and once you become an alpha, truly, seeing an alpha woman kill it would turn you on even more.

And that's like, now you're playing with some real hot shit where both people are like can feel as hot as they want. Because, like, so I hate when I see on a date. Ooh, I hate this shit. When it's like this hot, hot girl. Like we're talking like, oh. And then this dude who's like, just talking. And this girl is just like, yeah.

Yeah. Right. And she's trying to be like four here with this guy. So like he'll think that she's hot. But I'm like, girl, you are fucking so hot. And this guy just like, so yeah, it's, you know, NASDAQ and, you know, triple crown. You bet on it. And then they're like, ah, ah.

And it's like, all this is wrong. Because he sucks on both face and vibe level. And you're better than him on both like a vibe and a face level. What are you doing here? Right. What are you doing here? Yeah. And so that's why I see a hot girl like kill.

I'm just done. I'm done. Yeah. That's because you like yourself. It seems like if you're like a funny... If you're like a funny... Yeah. If you're like a funny girl and like you're like, do guys like funny girls? Like you gotta find somebody that's secure enough to like sort of take the back seat while you

are being funny. Fuck a person that doesn't like you because you're funny. That person is a pussy. I'll do one more fans of this podcast. Do it. Not only do I like funny girls, I will only fuck funny girls. But comedians? Are we done with comedians? Because we didn't really tidy that talk up.

Sure. So, because there's funny girls and there's girls that are in your space competing with doing stand-up. So are you, do you still do that or did it get too messy? Well, it was, it was mostly good, mostly good. And then one or two, the dismount is off. You know what I'm saying? Like the, I feel like if you fuck a comic or fuck someone in your professional world, it's fine. But that first hang afterwards got to be the coolest, chillest thing.

Because she's looking to you, you're looking to her like to be like, okay, what's the vibe now? Because we changed it. What the fuck? So now this, this second, when you're, see it at the show, you got to go extra to be like, it's all good. Don't worry. Most dudes don't do that when they fuck comics and then it all becomes weird. Yeah. And all it derails. And I think that it can, maybe the best case scenario is that you're both quote unquote comics, but maybe you have a little bit different path. So maybe one person is a podcaster like

Raina and I do. And maybe the other, the other partner is like just really trying to do stand up and like really trying to get a special and take that route. So I think, it's kind of good when you maybe if you're in the same space but different ultimate goals and you're not just like directly competing all the time which also can still work 100% you can still do that and it can work but I think it's nice when you're kind of like this person works in this thing and this person's more do it their TV writing and this you know I don't know when it compliments yeah it's complimentary yeah and then you look up to each other in those spaces like I dated a comic that I felt like he was funnier like he'd just been doing comedy and like I looked up to him I think he looked up to me for

that I was more successful in doing the business side. So you both just, I don't know where we're going down this road, but you have to kind of look up to each other and not be like, I'm so much better than this person in every way. That's not a relationship that would ever work in the first. But in any world. I just think it's applicable to the most job. People are always like, should I fuck my coworker?

It's different in like an entertainment industry where you are actually competing for the same things and the same opportunities. But yeah, I mean, people ask all the time, should I fuck my coworker? And it's like, I don't know, it's messy. And also the idea that you can't do it is so much hot. I know. Fucking let's go, you know.

Also, we didn't gas you up enough when you said you only date funny women, so let's do that. Oh, don't even honestly, that line was that, I only, you dropped it and we didn't really go with it. It's not even a real thing that I believe.

It's like, I think it's funnier. It's like nicer if you're funnier. I like when you're funny. It's not a requirement. Have you gone out on dates with people, though, like weren't funny? Like, what is that like?

Because that's torture for me. Funny. There's a funny. And then there's also just like interesting, challenging. Yeah, sure. Sense of humor is awesome. Sense of humor.

I don't need joke punchline, joke punchline, but I need somebody that's going to banter with me. Oh, we need a lot. Bantor is huge. A banter is everything, actually. We couldn't agree more. But we know you have to go, allegedly. So we want to wrap up with you. We have a little segment that we, that we're going to do, Raina.

I want to talk about it. So we're going to play a little game with you, and then we're going to tell everybody where they can find you. But we like to do this game. We used to call it mansplaining, but a listener of ours submitted a new title, and that's the title now. called manalizing. And we asked our listeners to submit things. They want a man to explain to them. Just like funny, silly stuff.

So it doesn't, don't think it's so deep. But some silly, funny things and some things I just want you to, like, you know, give the hard truths to. So you will explain them to us. Let me start. Yeah. Okay. Someone wrote, and I don't know, like, what this means.

What is a first down? Is that a sex term? Are you being serious? Or is it just for football? She was just, it was a football thing. Oh, I thought it meant like, is it. Okay. First down is just.

literally football. It was just football. I was a joke. Because one time we had one being, let's cut this. This girl was like... I thought it was like a sex thing. Like first day and

first day and second beat. Don't cut this and make her part louder, actually. Make her audio louder. I was like, oh my God, is this like a sex thing? No. When they get 10 yards inside of you. On the first try? Okay, let's read a real one.

Okay. You can read that. You know what, how does works? What do guys think when a girl gets blackout drunk on a first state and can you redeem yourself? It's not hot. Not hot. Okay.

But because now it's like unless you're a fucking weirdo, you know what I'm saying? It was like, yeah, if I excellent my plans, you know? Unless that, it's not a hot thing. It's like, it also is dangerous because now we think you're crazy. You know, so it's like, okay, this girl's crazy. She's fucking out of control. This happened to be fucking, um, really recently. It was like this one girl.

It looked like a nice, hot white girl, all very good, right? She's like, yeah, what's up? Then we, she gets to start drinking because more and more and more and more. She's like, yeah. So like, let's go back in my place. Then we like, she's like blacking out. We get to replace. And there's just nine lines of Coke that are just there.

She's like, oh, so like. Just in case. And she's like, if you don't do coke, I'm not going to fuck you. And I'm like, I don't want to do coke. She's like, fuck you. Just four lines. Two. What?

Four, she's like, I'm not going to fuck you. Also, give me your dick. All right. And then she pulls out my pants and starts sucking my dick. That is crazy. Okay. Okay. So don't do that.

Don't do that. Maybe no redemption. I drink now. You do. get into that. Where do you have to go? I have a tutor. I tutor a kid. Okay. We'll pay you. We'll pay you for the lesson. Okay. He cares about a dumb kid. His education. Fuck that kid. There's so much. When did you start drinking? I was like, never going to drink, never going to drink. I got to New York. This girl was like, I only date guys he drank and I was like, la, la, la, la, la, that's it. Um, okay, I know this guy. He has a

girlfriend. But he snaps me occasionally and tells me I'm really important to him every so often. What does that mean? That dude is a bitch. That dude is just trying to keep a stable. He wants to, just in case things go wrong, he wants to keep a back. A stable of women. Okay,

I thought you met in a stable relationship. Because I think sometimes people like, like, they'll be, they'll be like monogamous with their partner, but they just want to know, like, for their own ego, there are options out there.

And that helps you stay. Yes, 100%. Also, there's like an energy of like, well, I don't want to make sure that I'm still wanted in the scene, in the scene of the marketplace. Okay, so he's not leaving his girlfriend for you. He's just building up his ego.

He's a future cheater, for sure. He's coming. Future cheater. Yeah. This one could go for you or men in general. What's the best way for a girl to successfully slide in those DMs? She could say literally anything. There's not wrong way.

It's not creepy if you're hot. That's what we said. 100%. If you're not a 10, it's sexual assault. But also be funny. Be hilarious. I will say this though. On Bumble, girls always have the hilariously bad.

Every girl's pickup line is high with 10 eyes. That's the... Hi. High with a bunch of eyes means I want to fuck, usually. If you get a high with a bunch of eyes after 10 p.m. You're, yeah. Someone hit me with a hay with three Ys the other night. Okay.

Oh, hey with Craig. Basically, yeah. Why X's with current live in girlfriends still call you at 1 a.m. and tell you they love you. I wrote this one. I know, I know. I know. It says Ashley's problems the podcast.

No, no. But I'm glad that you do this because I'm going to have a master one of mine next. No, I do know why because they still love you. that's what it is. And again, it's about keeping a lot of options open. That's what it is. Guys love having options open. Okay.

Well, then I think you're going to have the same exact answer to this. Ashley's like we talk about this all the time. I need as many men as possible to tell me the answer to this. Why do men keep texting you all day every day but never make plans like as though they want a pen pal? Okay. That's a good question. I don't ever do that. I don't ever do that.

Can't relate. I hate texting. So if I'm texting you, then I want to either fuck or hang out or whatever. Hypothesis. put yourself, you're somebody else. Okay. You've gone out once with the person. You've gone out once with the person.

You get into this scenario where they're just texting you all the time, not making plans. What's going on? Again, I want to, I want to, my heart is saying stable again. I want to keep a stable.

Like, guys like keeping. It's a thing that they won't tell you about. They like keeping girls that they know are into them, that they can keep kind of at arm's length in case shit hits the fan. Okay. That is a thing that happens way more. And that Jared Fried calls it like what the blow job alley-oop.

like they just want to keep like that chance one day for the future blowjob. They're setting themselves up for the future blowjob. Yes, you've got on one date. They don't want, they want to have sex with you without going on that next date. So they're putting a foundation down. Okay. Great. Thank you for one final one.

Okay. I slept with my guy best friend twice and I caught feelings. How do I know if he feels the same? Oh, God. There's no answer to that question. You don't really know. You have to talk to him. You have to talk to him.

You have to talk to him. Yeah, he's your best friend. Yeah, he's your best friend. Talk it out. Talk it out. Come on. But dialogue. I mean, every person's different also.

So, like, you know, some people... You just don't know. Yeah. My guy friend told me had a sex dream about me last night. He has a living girlfriend. Okay. I'm not gonna...

I'm definitely not gonna say this, but anyway, it was pretty wild. Ashley was like, I won't tell you what it's about. Two seconds later. So this is exactly what it's about. No, he said, is it weird if I tell you this.

I said, it does mean that you are hitting on me. It's just so you know. There's no platonic sex change. Yeah, you're not. My brother's not saying that to me. You know what I mean? And if he is, it's fucking weird. Are we up in this?

I have one last question. This is my last one. Why does he answer my DMs, but not my texts? Oh, God, these are tough questions. Why do I do that? Okay. Well, DM is more arm's length.

Text is more intimate, right? Okay. DM, you can text, you can DM someone once a day and it's fine, right? No one, no one's feeling weird. You text someone once a day, it's a little more different. It texts me more intimate.

So that's why, again, arms length tries to keep you maybe in the space. All these answers are the same, I know, but that's really what these people are doing. It's just like, keep them at, Loja Valley Loop is a great way to describe it. We, dudes are like, just investors. We invest in like,

but we spread it. It's like NASDAQ. It's not one stock. We put it in NASDAQ in the fucking main index. But you're right. It is all the same answer. It's like, it's like that quote from Maria del Russo.

If you like him, if you likes you, you'll know it. And if not, you'll be confused. All these things. But I will say, if the guy likes you and he's just DMing

because he's like always an Instagram, and he's just being a little bit lazy about it. If he likes you, you can pull him out of it. Because I've done and I say this every, almost every fucking week now. Like, guy was just DMing me and I said, hey, here's my number unless you want to DM me forever. And he immediately texted.

And then I still continue, while I dated him, would still make like little funny like comments here and there of like, I'd rather text or do this. And he like, listen. So sometimes it is just that it's more convenient. And also leave him on red and force them to text you. So if a guy likes you,

you can pull him out of it. If he doesn't text, you and he's only DMing you, he is trying to keep you more at arms length. Same answer. I think for the, he's text me all the time when he's plans with me. You can simply stop responding and you can say to the person, you can make the plan. Whatever. And then just shut it down. See what happens. The leaving on red is like the ultimate move. As a dude, if you get left on red, it like ruins your whole day. Good. And you, you have, that was the attention. Text me, bitch. Oh yeah. Like a red, a red at 1109.0. That is like your whole day is like, what the fuck is

this. So that's a really powerful I let this guy in red twice this week and now he hates me. He literally won't even talk to me. No, you don't know the whole backstory. He deserved it. Okay. Now I'm sure. I'm sure. Tom is like triggered. He's like, what? I think they know each other. So we're not going to go down this road. We're not going to go. We're not going to drop. Sweating. Well, this was really amazing. We know you have to

go, so we want you to be able to plug everything. People are going to want to slide into your DMs. So, um, just to just want to say y'all are fucking fun as fuck. I know this is going to be a fun time. Y'all are hilarious. I love seeing your comedy. I love seeing you in real life. You all are... Were you turned on?

I was turned on. Are you gonna have sex dream about Ashley and then run around in the wind? I've already had like three so something new thing. Turned on comedically isn't now.

Actually, you're so fucking cute. I'm worried that outfit that night. I have like, I'm already fucking three comics. I can't fuck more people. It's fine. So,

you know, just like, if I see you Trader Joe's we'll fuck. That was literally 2019. It was the last day of 2019. If I see you in the same Frozen Isle, we're gonna fuck for sure.

Fine, okay, fine. But, we need to do Instagram stories and then have you list out all the comics you fuck. So let's wrap us out. Go. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

Love y'all. Love y'all. Love y'all. Follow me on Twitter, Instagram at Usama St.A-E-A-N-D-S-U-P. Follow my podcast, M-A-N-G-M-G-A-E. At Y-O-U-R-M-A-N-G-A-E. We mouth off. It's a good time.

It's a good time. Join the freaky-deaky-diki nation. Freaky-Deakie it up. Meet me at Trader Joe's. Ash is going to be there. No, do not come to Trader Joe. It's just going to be in a date, fire ourselves.

Do not come. If you see us by the cinnamon bruce, do not approach us. Come to the East Village, Trader Joe's, aisle three, aisle, the soybean aisle. Guys, I'm mad at here. And Osama will be fucking with the cinnamon room.

Okay. And guys, you know where to find us. Girls Got to Eat Podcast.com. Girls got Eat Podcasts on Instagram. Ash, Rana. at Greiberg on Instagram, Girls underscore Gotta Eat on Twitter

and YouTube.com slash girls got to eat. We'll see you next week. That's it. Have a good week, guys. Bye. Bye.