Girls Gotta Eat - Getting Sober and Dating After Divorce with Brittany Schmitt

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

We are so excited to be joined by our good friend and hilarious comedian Brittany Schmitt for a conversation that flows from funny to serious to slutty in the best way. Brittany shares her story of getting sober – why she relied on alcohol, when she felt like she lost herself, how she stopped drinking for good, getting sober when your spouse isn't, friendships changing, and more. She also opens up about her divorce, making new friends after a relationship ends, and her dating life now. And we round it out with a wild conversation about an athlete she's been DMing with, the ridiculous questions he asked her, and our feelings on sharing your body count. Before Brittany joins us, we're recapping the NYE party and the game everyone loved, sharing a piece of strong and simple dating advice Rayna received, and analyzing boyfriends as dog breeds. Plus, we have fresh book and movie recs. Enjoy! Follow Brittany on Instagram @brittanyschmitt, check out her new podcast This Is The Worst, and get tickets to see her at brittanyschmitt.com. Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Daily Harvest: Get up to $65 off your first box plus free shipping at dailyharvest.com/gge. Helix: Get 20% off all mattress orders plus 2 free pillows at helixsleep.com/gge with code HELIXPARTNER. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't want anyone telling me about my life anymore. You know what I mean? Like, I want to know what I did. And I don't want this thing where like people are filling in the blanks of my life. So what up, girls got to eat. Welcome back. Azul's back. He's so good up to me. I feel like he feels like I need it today. I don't really need it. Maybe it's just on bait down. Yeah, we're a little fucked up. It's January 2nd and I don't know how people go back to work today. I don't think anyone's like really working. You know, are people really using like their brains today? Maybe some people, some people really start the year fresh. Can you imagine? Sober people. That goes with our episode today. Yeah, Brittany woke up probably feeling great on January 1st.

Well, I was talking to the waitress at Jolena yesterday and I was like, how do you wake up and feel good? And she was like, sober people wake up and feel good. And she's like, and I thought about that, but I refused to go into the New Year's sober. So I have never in my life woken up on New Year's day, sober and have. taken my makeup off. Never. I, it's always 3 p.m., 4 p.m., 5 p.m. sometimes even on January 1st of a new year, and I always say I'm still wearing last year's makeup. I made the joke once. I will continue to make it. It's so fucking stupid. I said it to sparkle eyes. I was like, there's something about it

where I am really good about taking my makeup off doing my skincare routine and it just turned to do a thing and that's my tradition. I can't relate. It's 360 flab. I would never take my makeup off before I got back. I showed you a picture earlier of what I looked like this morning. Raina, I've seen you look fucked up. You looked like you had been camping. Like, you looked like you got pulled out of a gutter. Like, you didn't look clean. Like, I don't even know.

I've seen, we're not putting this on YouTube. Sorry, but. What? Yes, please. Raina. There looks like there's rodents and you're living in your hair. It looks like you have a nest for rodents in your home. You also just look like you.

been beat up. Like, it looks like you got punched in the face. And then, of course, there's, I makeup all sliding down her face. And then there's, Raina loves to have marks all over her face. It looks like you've been sleeping on a plane. Sleep mask I wear it matches everything up on my face. And it's like dead of the winter. So no tan.

No. No extensions. Because there's a picture from my birthday from Cabo and you look fucked up. But A, you sent it and you're wearing a bra so you can see your sexy titties and you have a tan and your hair is like blonder and you look fucked up. A beach fucked up. Yeah. And it's like still kind of cute.

So earlier when I thought you were going to show me when I was expecting that. And then what I saw was like, we all have those. Listen, it's like a fucked up time of year because like we haven't worked in weeks and like I don't know what day it is ever. And I have drank so much and I slept for 11 hours last night because I slept for four hours the night before. Yeah. And so I'm just fucked up today.

I, on New Year's Day, again, just I've. I woke up pretty banged up. You had a party, we'll talk about whatever. But you on New Year's Eve were like, I want to go to a three hour lunch tomorrow at 12 o'clock. And then you were like, I want to go, let's make a reservation, Alifante. I was like, Ashley, because it's 2.30 in the morning, Ashley.

And she's just like, all right, fine, 12.30. We can go at 12.30. And all morning I was like, her boyfriend's in town, Rob's in town. Like, I don't want to be the person to say no to stuff. But I was just like waiting you out. I did have big dreams when I was drunk at 2.30 in the morning. I was pretty lit.

For me? Yeah, you were. Like, I have a little blurry. Like, I had to ask, like, what positions did we do last night when we got home? But the next morning, I, again, wake up just fucked up looking, like, huge puffy under my eyes. And then, again, my makeup from the night before. And I went to take a picture of Rizul on the edge of my bed. And I opened my iPhone and the camera was facing back at me.

Nothing worse. And I gasped and Sparkleyes laughed so hard. You know, he doesn't laugh that hard. He, at my reaction to see my own face, I go, and he laughs so hard. That is so brutal. thing is more terrifying than the look. I have that giant, like, floristering mirror next to my bed, and I looked to the left this morning.

I was like, oh, my God. Yeah. What is it in my bed? Wait, that is hysterical that you were like, who did I bring home? It's you. What monster lays here? And then I took itself because I was like, maybe I want Ashley and Tessor to laugh at this later,

but I'm not sure. So, listen, shout to the people that don't drink, like our guest today because they never have to feel or look like that. Absolutely not. Okay, 24. New Year's was funny. I don't think I'd talk to anybody. I sat in the corner with our agent.

It's very L.A. Well, you did. Yeah, and Andrew and Brenna, I guess. Yeah, I just sat in the corner with them a lot. Really, is that all you did? So I got a beer pong table. Yeah. I feel like at this giant living room

and I wanted people to have an activity. Like, I feel like I'm in an age where it is no longer enough to have just drinking be the activity. Just come to this room and drinking this room. I don't want to do it. Yeah. It just like doesn't seem fun to me.

or like even like just food and alcohol being the only activity. So I bought this table that I figured we could play beer pong on. And people really went to, they got into it. It was so much fun. I loved it. I think I did like three different games and I had so much fun. I mean, beer pong I used to be so, A, good at it, but love it so much. I mean, Corey and I would just dominate the beer pong table all throughout Dewey Beach.

Like my dad made me one for my 21st birthday out of a door. Oh my God. Orange for Clemson. Like I brought it back to Clemson. I put it in my car. And then where the cups went were purple paw prints. Like, it was the most bad ass beer pong table anyone had ever seen. Your dad just made that?

Yeah. My dad can't even change a lock on a door. That isn't a funny gift to give your daughter on like a milestone birthday. Yes. But it was so much fun. I had so much fun playing beer pong. Yeah, I was really excited. Getting back to our roots.

But the party was really so fun. Everyone had a good energy about them. And I said to sparkleize like the next morning, I was like, you know, I don't feel like I don't feel like I don't know with you that much. Like at the end of the night. With him? Four of us left. Like, in a good way.

I mean, we did, and we played beer pong. He was my partner the whole night. But, like, he really just mixed and mingled. And I say that with, like, that's what you want. This was a great. It was an interesting party for me because, I mean, normally in New York, all of our, like, super, super close friends are there. People stay in town for years.

A lot of people were out of town this year. So it was like a lot of our friends that brought extra friends. Yeah. And so it was like a get to know people and mingle kind of party. I know. Like Kate Steinberg, who was like a newer friend. She's like a wonderful follow on Instagram. Like, I'd never met her.

fiance and then she just really wanted her fiance to meet Sparkle Eyes and then they like really hit it off. I really hit it off with him. That is a wonderful man. Her fiance. I love to him. I mean, she's delightful. So I thought that she's so wonderful. She would be with somebody wonderful. But like, I don't know, you meet some people you think are wonderful and you meet their partner and you're like, huh. Okay. That's who you want to be? Yes. Everybody's like partners were great. Like we love Taylor and Blake. I was saying all these DMs from people would be like, who's that guy? I was like, everybody is somebody's fiance. Don't want to. including Ashley. Just kidding. No, but it was fun. It was like really fun to have like a little bit of

time like at the beginning of the night at the end of the night that was just like us with Rob and Allison. You were the first one there and the last one. Yeah, it was nice. I know. I was going to be the first one there. I know. I feel like you tell people how a party starts. Nobody comes for two hours. You're listening there like, do I have any friends? I know. Like you had an 830 start time and I was like, we'll be there between 830 and 9 and we'll still be the first people there besides Rob and Allison who were staying with you. And it was just nice. I like being there. I'm like unofficial co-host. I was like green people. Yeah. I like did the playlist and it was like funny because people would come in that were like strangers. And I'd be like, Raina, can you come meet this person?

I was in the corner with Andrew. The Andrews. The Andrews. Anyway. It was fun. It was like a fun start to the new year. And then a lot of years I'm like, I don't need to write out goals. But this year I'm feeling like really inspired to like write an actual goals list.

And I know we talked about last week a little bit, but I'd really want to like take some space and like give myself a couple hours to like really think about like what is attainable this year and like write it down because I don't really do that ever. I'm just like I want to do better than last year. I have like one or two goals. It's usually just like date more. But like I kicked off the year with Rob and Allison. Rob ripped my hinge profile to shreds, made me change all the prompts and the photos.

And then we mirrored my hinge to the television. That's so fun. And me. How could you do this to help me? You weren't here yet. That's so fun. Me him and Allison were just like going through profiles on like my big screen TV and big screen TV. It's a TV.

And messaging people. And that was like really fun. And also I think that. But like, I've tried to make it more of an activity. Like, online dating feels like a chore and talking to people feels like a chore and I don't want to do it. But like, if someone does it with you, it's fun. Totally.

So I- That's what we said when we like set up your profile. I love it. This guy from Pittsburgh I've been talking to. So, yes, now I want to know, like, who you've been talking to. Well, Rob had a good. Rob was just like, let's change your parameters of like what you've been looking for.

You're going a little young. And he was like, let's pick somebody your age or older. And I was like, okay. So I've changed my parameters to my age or older. Okay. Yeah. I mean, listen, you know, I believe in younger men. But I would actually, you don't have to.

I don't need the approval. All I've done is go after a younger men for a lot of years. And I would like to be the young one in a relationship for once. I would also love that. I would like to look at somebody and be like old man. Look at my hot, young, rock and body. Don't you wish you were still this young? That's so true.

Damn, that's a different. Yeah. I'm pining after all these 28-year-olds and I have to stop it. I mean, go off. I think that like, do whatever you want. but I'm just trying to change my parameters. Yeah. So, and then Rob was just like, he just kept saying normal guys.

Just find a normal guy. You're trying to find all these like covered in tattoos, look a certain way. Just find a normal fucking person and go on a day like that. I like that advice. Just a normal dude. Okay. So I wanted to talk about this article I read. Okay.

And it is about boyfriends as dogs, like dog breeds, basically stemming out of Travis Kelsey being a golden retriever. Somebody called me a golden retriever this weekend. I didn't like it. They did? Yeah, I don't like him. I literally said that's Travis Kelsey, that's not me. I don't appreciate that. I think it's a compliment.

Like, they thought you were just kind of happy. I was just being a little needy and yeah. Also, by the way, like, I love a golden retriever. I just feel like they're very, like, America's dog. But you know, they can have some aggressive ones. Oh, they're going to say they're stupid. You can have those kind of mean street golden retrievers. I do we would have trouble with some of them on the streets.

He didn't mean it like that. He meant like I was being a little needy. Oh, God. Okay. Well, so, but the definition, I guess this was like a thing that kind of came out of TikTok and then GQ did the five types of dog boyfriend's article. So, golden retriever boyfriend, trusting kind, unashamed of his feelings can be a little naive, full of optimism and positivity that has nowhere to go but out and into the hearts of everyone who surrounds him. So that's cute. Like, this is not bad. No, everybody's bad. Everybody used to call Max Fianci a golden retriever. Great. Yes. Everybody used to be like he's just like a golden retriever. But like then you kind of realized later, like they thought he was a little stupid. Okay. So it can be kind of. of an insult, but like, it's a golden retriever. It's not an insult. You should have seen out quick. I was like, don't call me that. Okay. Golden retriever can be a little, you know, silly, which I don't love. But, you know, that would be, I don't think I've ever. You're not taking it seriously. You're not taking a golden retriever too seriously. I don't think I've really dated a golden retriever.

Just my most serious relationship. You know, I'm gravitated to someone that's, you know, has a dark, fucked up sense of humor. How did you guess that? I know dogs. But that's the next one, and that's what Sparkleized things he is. That's so funny. How do I know what you're like? Well, how'd you know Robweiler is next? On deck! Okay, so if you have a heart exterior and hate everyone, except for your partner, you are her problem.

I want to be clear that he has a great circle of friends and family, and he has really close relationships. It's one thing I love about him, but he can come across like, I hate everyone, except for Ashley. Definitely, except for me. And Raina. It says, people annoy you in your unavoidably standoffish and social situations. It's a miracle you managed to land a significant.

another at all, but you did, and it's only with them that you drop your macho facade. So this is the whole thing of like deep down, you're really sweet, but no one who ever saw you would guess, and that suits you just fine. So I do understand how we landed on that for him. So the person who called me a golden retriever, he's a Rottweiler. But I like that I like that I like you're the person that would see the mushy interior. I don't want somebody I'm with to be outwardly a dick to other people, which is not what sparkle eyes is like, he doesn't read as being like a monster. I just want the person I'm with to be like a little aloof to other people, but the sweetest person in the world is. He's so.

sweet and thoughtful and kind. There are people who are kind of addict to everyone and also kind of addicted to you, like you said. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah, you were like with someone recently, someone like from your past, we don't need to get all into it. But I want to see if you stick with Rottweil after hearing the other ones, because next up is the Doberman.

Okay. So I'm afraid of Levy. I don't remember what a Doberman is. Okay. That's why. Oh. Kendall Jenner has one. Yeah. Okay. Snoop Dog. Very like, you know. I know exactly what this is. Protective. If you believe boyfriends should first, foremost be protectors, your Doberman boyfriend, strong and silent. Whenever you're with your

partner, you're on the lookout for potential threats. You emit an honestly off-putting vibe when you're in the public with your girlfriend because this is Dave and Buster's a non-active war zone. Your partner's friends have long since throwing out cursory and what about you? And group conversations because you're there as a bodyguard, not a participant. Okay, I take it back as a Doberman. He's a mushy on the inside, Doberman. It says, despite this, you don't just want to stay at home because your protectiveness stems from the pride you have and the partner in your arm. So they want to take you out and show you off too. Okay. Okay. If you see a bit of yourself in the Doberman boyfriend but maintain that you're way too nice, you may be a German shepherd.

Sweet and loyal, get along with everybody, but one wrong move and your whole demeanor changes. You can be aggressive when protection is needed, including calling your partner out on their own bullshit and then curl up on the couch with them not five minutes later. You once bit my sister when she was four. And then the last one, I don't know this dog, a Borzoi. I how you spell it? B-O-R-Z-O-I. B-O-R-Z-O-I. Oh, no one wants this. Okay. If you're, no offense, if that's your type of dog.

Good for you guys. This one, like, really kind of comes out of nowhere and it's, it's just kind of not great. If you're, trying to be edgy.

If your appearance is something of an acquired taste and you tend to, no, it gets worse. Ugly people. And you tend to lurk in the background at the events that you tend with your partner.

You are a bors-o-boyfriend. You're lanky and aloof, and it's... Lanky and a, this is a character assassination. It's not necessarily clear to other people what your partner sees for you. I think they were all,

like, conjuring up idea of somebody. You're respectful and intelligent and turn heads whenever you lumbered down the street. So probably not in a good way. Again, Lanky and a loo. That head is... I'm not a fan of those dogs. They're like furry greyhounds. There is one missing and I think that's just like the street mutt. Like Azul. I've never had a dog that's a pure bread. This is a pure bread list. I was trying to think when my last boyfriend was like, he is just kind of a mutt. Like this is a little of the streets. Really perfect.

He came from the streets. He's happy to have home, you know. So anyway. It's crazy that that person wrote, Borzoi, which no one knows that word and not a mutt. Maybe they were like, we need a one that's going to be pretty brutal. So give it to this dog that no one even knows the name of.

So people don't get super offended because people get, you know, very touchy about their dogs. Okay. What if you're dating like a teacup maltese? If your boyfriend's your little bitch. Not the Maltese. Yeah. Like none of these are small dogs.

Like, there's no nods for short kings. A corgi? Yeah, he's a dumpy little boy. If you have a caked up short boyfriend, you have a corgi. I also think like, that gets the corner trigger. But what I think of just really crazy, jumpy, loyal, I think of a lab, too, you know. Okay. But, yeah.

Well, I was thinking like, what about a French bulldog? Not a lot of personality. just lumbers around. No, no, no. Frenchies are fun. I feel like that's what Heather. I'm thinking Heather McMahon has. Yeah, I love those.

They come in pairs a lot. Yeah, people have two. Bobby is too. Yeah, like bugs. They're bonded pairs. This is just such a fun. It is so fun. What if your boyfriend's a cat?

You can't relate to any of these? I like the Maltese. The Maltese is fun. I'm just trying to be like what everybody I've dated. Like, what are they? Yeah. Remember that, like, musician that I had sex with you and the girl at Rent Run the runway made fun of

me for so bad. He's like a cat. Yeah. I think like musicians are cats. That's for emo. Yeah. Like emo people. They're also what they can lash out.

I mean, I, Sparkleyes reminds me a lot of Dewey actually. Like, can be kind of a dick, like on the outside, but kind of a dick and only cared about you. Really cared about me. But also, like, got along with other people. Like, he wasn't, you know, like Sparkleys really gets along with everybody. Everybody adores him. I'm sick of hearing about it quite honestly.

No, I actually love it. But Azul's just really so sensitive. and like easily scared, you know, he's just a little, he's just too sweet. I've never really dated someone like him. I did somebody like that. I want to do this exercise. I hope everybody's doing it. All of you are doing the mental gymnastics.

Okay. Well, yeah. Guys do it. And those are the types of dog boyfriends per Q via TikTok. I want to know other people's like dog boyfriend personality. It's like what other dogs are there? For the million. What does Seanan News have?

Is it a Maltese? Cavapoo. That's a, that's a. It's kind of like a tea cup. So I think Sean and Nuske have a cabapoo, and Laura has a cabapoo shan. Or it could be flipped. Yeah, what if you had like... A cabapoo and cabapoo shan.

What are those dogs called doodles? Any dude. Yeah. Okay. I want to hear like what everybody's dated. So, you know, let us know. Because doodles are like hyperallergenic if you're dating and somebody has a lot of allergies. Oh, I didn't know that.

Do they shed? No, that's the whole thing. That's why a lot of people want them. They look a little fried chicken. A little curly hair. Yeah, like a little fried. You never seen that? Yeah, yeah.

Fried chicken or a doodle? Okay, well, I'm sure that's what you guys are going to be thinking about now. Do anything else? Just some racks of stuff I've been watching. I've been consuming a lot of content because, of course, there's just like the no man's land weeks of just nothing to do. I looked up the best books of the year, so I got three recommendations, Mad Honey, which is a murder mystery told by the girl that dies and the mother of the person

who was accused of killing her. I really like that. Two different authors. And one is Jody Picolt, which was had like a cult following, a Pekult following a while back. I never really read one of her books. I've Mad Honey, too. So there was a dupe. On Christmas, and I took it.

Your mom bought you one? No, no one bought it for me. I just took it. There was an extra. I think someone got it for you. I can't remember. Whatever, that was an extra. So I'm going to read that.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow is these two friends to start a video gaming company, but you don't have to like video games. It's still a great book. It's based on LA. And so I'm liking both of those a lot. I watched movie Priscilla last night.

I'm like hyper-assessed with Elvis right now. I might read, I think it's called My Life with Elvis. The movie Priscilla came out this year. Jacob Alady plays Elvis. And he is painted to be a monster. like verbally abusive, almost physically abusive, like a monster. And I didn't realize Priscilla Presley was a producer on the movie

and it came from her book that she read about her time with him. Oh. And Sophia Coppola produced it. So I really liked it. It's not like a fun watch. It's really sad. But this girl's just kind of like being held captive by Elvis. Her whole...

Oh, my God. So she was like 15. But is this what happened? Yeah, so she was 14 when she met Elvis. Because that's not the story of like the other Elvis movie, obviously. Wildly different stories. Yeah. So Priscilla, he was 14 when she met Elvis.

I knew that. Yeah. And then when she was 16, her parents sent her to live with him. And she, like, lived on Graceland. And she was still in high school. She would, like, go to school every day. And he was, like, off filming movies and doing stuff. And he would, like, come home and she'd be there.

And he married her when she was, like, 21, I think. They didn't have sex until that. He wouldn't have sex. Or she had sex with other women. What? And it's... Oh, my God. I didn't know all this.

I mean, I don't know how... It is her account of stuff. And so, like, that he really was incredibly possessive and would just, like, threatened a little verbally abusive. It's an interesting watch and the acting is like phenomenal. So I liked it. It was definitely worth watching.

I watched May December with Julianne Moore. It's about Mary Kayla Turner. Remember that story? The teacher is a doctor student. Oh, that's what that's about? That's what that's about. And Natalie Portman's in it. It's on Netflix right now.

It's a quick watch. It's really, the acting is unreal. Okay. So that's what that's about. And I watched The Holiday with you for the first time. I loved how much you loved it. I loved it. I feel like the holiday is like

the movie of the scene. Like I feel like I did not hear. hear this much about it the last couple years. It's insane. Am I wrong? Or do you feel like the memes are always around? It might be more than other years, maybe, but every year I feel like the holiday, because it's like so many people's favorite movie, but maybe

you're right. Maybe it came out a little bit more. I thought it was insane, though. Like, the holiday I saw in the theaters in 06. Like, it's one of my favorite movies of all time. It's an iconic holiday movie, and I watched it with you and Sparkleyes for the first time for both of you this year. I'm like, how do both of my partners have not seen this movie?

This is insane. Well, this came up the other day when we in the seaport in New York together and he said he'd never seen it and you're like, can you believe he's never seen it? I was like, um... Well, we just recently found out in the last five I said Tessa and Sparglars haven't seen Titanic. Yeah. Tessa gets a pass

because it was before her time. She wasn't even born. And then so on that note, I watched a star as born with him. He had not seen that. So I was like, this is my favorite movies of all. It's probably my favorite movie of all time. So I wanted to watch that with him. He enjoyed it. He liked it. I sobbed, of course. You know, I think he was getting a little

teary, but, you know, Rod Weiler didn't show. It doesn't cry. Have you ever seen him cry? I have not seen him cry. We talked about it. I don't think he cries a lot. He got a little emotional at my Christmas gift. Emotional. I look at emotional. He looked a little. His eyes looked a little glassy. But no, I haven't seen him like cry, cry, cry. My last boy, I'm going to cry a lot. I cry a lot. He's seen me cry maybe one time, like, not sobbing. He hasn't seen me in like a breakdown situation. I haven't really had one, but he saw me kind of be upset about something and kind of cry like one time. And then he'd see me cry at a million, like, movies and stuff. The last people that saw me cry were the staff at the Verizon store in Santa Monica. So I am madhoney on my list, too. I'm going to probably start the tonight. I'm thinking I'm going to get back into my reading. How many books do you think you're going to read this year?

I want to aim for 12. That's a laughing. Like a one a month? Is that show us? Okay, that's fine. One a month. Mine was 35. Is that too ambitious?

You're like crazy person. I mean, like you read like five in a week. Like, no, it's not. Well, that's because I got surgery and I could leave the house for like two weeks, remember. And so I read like everything Colleen Hoover had ever written in like 10 days. Okay, but are you thinking about this? Like, that's three a month.

I could do three a month. I read a lot. You could do three a month. Maybe. Go off. Tessa, what? Tessa said, now that you're in the game more, you're going to be reading harder books. I don't know.

I feel like my taste spans a lot. So I don't know. I'm shooting for 35, but if I end up with 25, I still read 25 books, you know? I'm trying for 12. It's probably going to be six. We're not on tour. Well, you know, I'm going back to school, so. I'm not going back to school.

I love that. I'm going to be an accredited psychotherapist by the end of the year. I love that. We're going to plan a lot of vacations. But tomorrow, I'll let you know next week. Guys, I've got to do all my manifestations of tomorrow. We'll let you know. Okay.

Okay, guys, we are so excited to have this guest here with us today. She is a beautiful, brilliant, funny, L.A. based comedian. Her podcast, This is The Worst with Brittany Furland Drops. This week, we are so happy to have her with us today. Please welcome to the show, Brittany Schmidt. Hello. It's so fun to have one of our good friends here. Because we're just hanging out, talking shit.

I feel like I didn't get the memo on the dress code. You look great. You look great, but I mean, you're wearing bike shorts. I am wearing long. I love this whole look. Well, I wore the sweatshirt for you. Thank you. I appreciate it.

So does the Cavs player that I fucked like two weeks ago. If you guys were watching YouTube. You know Ashley's wearing a Cavs sweatshirt. I have worn a cap sweatshirt. And I put it on the sweatshirt. It's a good one. They gave it to us when we performed in Cleveland. We had their drumline.

But I just, I did think of you. It's a good sweatshirt. The Cavs suck as a team. But that guy. Also not great. I also didn't really. What we're saying is pick a different team to have sex with. Yeah.

Yeah. We're excited to have you here. The first time I ever met you, did you mean here the same night as me at your show? Well, yeah, I guess technically. And Tessa also was there. So it was your first show in L.A., right? Yeah. That you co-hosted with Andrew Collin and Brittany was on it.

Yeah. So I think that we're coming up on our friend of Versory. Yes. And Andrew and I, I guess, used to. We haven't really done it in a while, but we co-host the show that Hollywood Improv and he booked you. We were like having a hard time getting people who were in town. I think it was like a Sunday, whatever. Thank you.

That means a lot. No, we're like, we literally. To be honest, no one wanted to do it. And Andrew Collins was like, I know somebody who will do this. Sorry. Anyone else? Nobody wants to do this. Brittany's like so quick.

You can't get anything past her. She's like, that was a low-key insult. Damn it. So like he was like, I was just on the show with this girl and she was very funny. Like the week before our show. And I was like, yeah, Booker, I guess. I don't know. But then you told me that you saw me and you were worried I was going to be a bitch.

Well, then I think you did ask to like go up earlier late and I was like, she's going to be a diva. I can feel it. I already. looked her up. She looks like a bitch. Yeah. It's always early because I want to go to bed.

I'm not trying to be a bitch. He's like, I will come out on Sunday, I guess, but only if it's early. And then I obviously thought you were so hysterical. Like your jokes,

it was like, she's so funny. And then we just became friends in the green room. Yeah, immediately. You're really good at making friends. No, I'm not.

Okay. Well, then let's talk about it because I think that it seems organic and natural and you told me that one of your goals in 23 was to make friends.

Yeah. I feel like you really did it. I really did it. I really did it. You ended the year with all these new good friends. Yeah. Yeah, it was an amazing year. It was actually kind of a really hard year.

But I think I was coming out of a divorce where, like, all of my life was based around one person. And then when I left that marriage, I realized, like, our friends were his friends. And, like, the social stuff we did together was all his friends. So he took all the friends in the divorce. And I was like, oh, fuck. There was a moment where I was going to move to New York because I was like, I just want to do comedy more. But I was like, how about I just try and, like, make it. make L.A. home again. And like one of the goals was like to get good girlfriends. Because good

girlfriends can just like carry you through life in a way that like I think I had really great girlfriends in college. And then when I got married, they kind of just like fell by the wayside. We lived in different cities and you know, whatever. So it was one of my goals last year to make good girlfriends. And then I got so fortunate because I met you. I met Brittany Furlan and I met Ali Colbert all in one year. Like three people I consider like some of my closest friends. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I don't know. It just makes like living in LA feel like home again. How long?

That is really nice. Sorry. Sorry, I interrupted your moment. I just wanted a little more backstory. How were you getting married? So we got together when I was 25, I think married when I was 27 or 28. We were only together for two years before we got married.

Okay. And did you have like a ton of girlfriends before that? So I had friends from college. But I think like when you make friends in college or for me at least because I was drinking a lot. Like I just had party friends. Like I had friends who were like, these are my fucking girls. But like really we were just like getting fucking black out together.

and fucking each other's men. You know what I mean? Like, there wasn't like, oh, we have the same morals. We have the same values. We have the same beliefs. We have the same sense of humor. It was just like, we all want to fuck the same guys and drink. So.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I think they kind of just like fell by the wayside a little bit. And then you, like, got married and your husband becomes sort of the social priority. I've had for like 12 years now. And she's been a constant. Yeah. But then she moved during the pandemic. She moved to Austin.

And now she lives in Reno. So it's like, when you move. that's an attack. Yeah. On a friendship, I'm like, you're not allowed to leave me. How dare you? I'm like, that's not. But I find that interesting that you wouldn't say you're good at making, good at,

okay, making friends. None of us are okay. Yeah, it's January 2nd. Yeah. It seems really natural because I think people ask us all the time. And it does sometimes feel like dating. You're like, let's get each other's numbers. I can vibe people out really quickly.

Yeah. Like energetically. I can feel if someone's going to be a nightmare. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, really, and LA is like,

I think that's a skill that you develop in L.A. because L.A. is a very tricky town. Like everyone's deep as a puddle. And people kind of like maneuver. You know what I mean? They're like, what can I get out of you?

What can I do? And like, you can just tell if someone has genuine energy. And you have very genuine energy. And I think like what I've noticed with your guys is friendships is you guys are like girls, like you guys like fucking rally for girls. And there's a lot of girls in this town

that are like vicious. Mm-hmm. And I sense the energy quickly and then I go from there. I also like what you said about making LA home because I feel like you did that in your actual home too. And I was telling Raina about it. Like you basically had a designer come in and make it like feel like home. Like sometimes you have to like commit to, okay, I mean staying here at least for the next however long, you know, and I need to like make friends. Make my house feel like comfortable and excited about it.

Yeah. I got really fortunate with that too. So my friend has this renovation company called Jaw Renovations, and they came in when I was at the end of my tour last year. So I had a week where I was gone. And we literally did a Zoom. The next week they flew out to L.A.

They came and they completely redid my place while I was gone. And when I came back, I cried. It was like being on a reality show. There was just no cameras. I was just like, oh, my God, I live here. I get the... It is really great.

We do with the colors and the style of design. And it's just... It doesn't necessarily have to take, like, a fortune to make something like your own. I feel like you're good about that. you move into a place you're like immediately. I'm making this how I want it to be. Immediately.

But I feel like I remember I moved into this apartment in Atlanta and I was like, I hated the walls. They were brown. And I was like, I should paint them. I can afford it-ish. And then I just did it. And I lived there for three years and hated every second of the walls. You know, it's just like, just do the thing. Make your home what you want it to be.

It's so funny because when the team left, Whitney and Jordan, when they laughed, they're like, oh yeah, you lived in here like a couple weeks before we came, right? And I was like, no. It was over a year and app It looked like a penitentiary Like it literally looked like jail I know I'll be out with Brittany

I'm like show the before and afters It really is like a reality show Without the cameras Really depressing The more depressing thing is I didn't think it looked that bad I mean is it looked unlivable It's like really special now It looked unlivable

Okay well It was bad It's not mine I want to rewind to like you being like in this relationship for a long time and not like developing all these necessarily like girl relationships because in my 20s I didn't do that as much either. I wasn't like a guy's girl and I wasn't the kind of girl that like you can't let her around your man but because I wasn't really that pretty to be honest but you're like I would have been

I would have taken your man if I could have. I was a five to be honest and I couldn't have taken your man. I might try to steal your man but I probably can't but I'll try. Peter were like oh her she could be with him. That's totally fine. That is so funny, that moment when it clicks where you're like, all my friends are so cool with me being friends with their husband. They are not threatened at all.

I am so not threatening. It's not a compliment. You're just like, oh, I'm the problem. It's me. It's my teeth. But like I didn't have a wealth of girlfriends. I didn't prioritize having like a big girl group. I think I prioritized finding a partner.

And then I did that. And I didn't really invest in having like a ton of good girlfriends. And when that relationship ended, I was 28. I was like, oh, I don't have a ton of friends. Like, I remember the relationship band around like Halloween and then a couple months later, like New Year's. And like, I remember New Year's Eve. I was like, I don't really have anything to do.

Like my three good girlfriends are somewhere and that's all my friends. Right. And I was just like, what do I do? And I just, I changed my whole life. You have to. And you were like so intentional like I will make friends this year. Yeah. You almost have to do that.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think like when you get to a different phase in your life, you're ready for like a different tier of friendship too. You know what I mean? Like friendships that are based on things that are a little bit more meaningful. And it's not to say that I had no friends. It's not to say that I was like married and I just had my husband. But like all of my close friends left L.A. and then I got divorced and I was like, okay, now what? Yeah. And I don't think it's easy for me to make friends. And I don't know if I'm

like unapproachable or something. Or you know what Ali said to me? Allie's like, you need to be way nicer in the beginning because you're so pretty. Yeah. She's like, she's like, you're She's like, people are going to assume you're a bitch. Yeah. She's like, so like the amount of nice you are, she's like, you have to multiply that by like 100. You're not nice enough in the beginning. Yeah.

And the night I met you, I was like, this bitch looks like this and she's funny. Monster. Hate her. Monster. Yeah. No, of course. And you were being so nice to me. I was like, is this a trap?

You're so pretty. I feel so bad for you, Ronnie. What a nightmare. Thank you. We're going to talk about you. Thank you for your support. If it helps at all, I was bullied my whole life because of it. It honestly does help me.

Yeah, if it helps you sleep at night, I had a horrible child. You can't have it all. I have a question for you. So you say that you can like energetically feel other people are going to be like a good fit. And like I feel like not now. Now I'm amazing at it. But before I would like sort of let people slip into my life because they were like really fun. They were like a fun friend and they were exciting and they were funny.

But like I maybe didn't take a little more time to be like before I like you, I don't like you. Yeah. And let me like feel you out a little bit and not that negative. But like I just, I didn't really like feel people out as much. before. It was just like this person's cool and fun. We can party together. And I don't know that I thought that much about like, do our morals align? But you're drinking. I was just going to say

like the sobriety is a huge part of this. Right. And I think it gets drunk with people and then you're your friends all of a sudden. You're like, we had a great time. Yeah. You know what I mean? And meanwhile you didn't even have a single conversation. Right. Anything. Yeah. You know. So yeah, I think the sobriety is a big

component because I was so offline when I was drinking. Like I wasn't paying attention. I just wanted people to drink with. I didn't want to drink alone. You know what I mean? So I was like, I didn't care who I surrounded myself with. And now because I am so attuned with my energy, I'm like, I don't want people in my circle if their energy is going to fuck with mine. Well, you're sober.

I know. You have to really enjoy someone for real to hang out with them. Yeah. Like, I feel like obviously we used to drink so much more. You could have anybody. Anybody will be fun after a fifth of vodka. They are. But like, I think as you get older, you realize who the party friends are and like who's only going

going to be fun after the fifth of vodka. Yeah. When we moved to L.A., I made like a list in my phone that just, It's still in there. It says LA friends. And like, there's a clear kind of break in the list where, like, just my, these are the people are all drinking with friends. Yeah.

Which is fine. It's important to have every type of friend. But, like, you want to build those real ones. But yeah, but to be sober and we'll talk about it is like, you have to actually enjoy someone's company to, like, go on a hike. Yeah. To go to brunch and just have water or coffee. Yeah, which is why it's hard because I don't actually enjoy too many people's

company. Yeah. Some people really tire me out. Mm-hmm. So it's, like, hard to find people that fill up your cup. Yeah, they're out there. You realize you hate everybody when you got sober? Oh, my God, yes.

I absolutely feel like that's probably a lot of people's stories. 100%. I literally thought that my ex-husband and I used to host, we lived in Venice, and we used to host, like, huge parties. And I was like the life of the party. And I loved hanging out with people. And I got sober. And I took baths and read books for like a year. And I was like, keep everybody outside.

Draw the shades. Yeah. Literally, I'm like, I don't want to hear from anyone. And then you lose a bunch friends because you're like, you thought they were friends, but really they're just witnessing me being drunk. Like they were just, I wasn't drinking alone if they were around. I like that you said it took you like a year to learn how to like resocialize. Because I think that like even the times when I've like dialed back the drinking or like I won't drink for a couple weeks, I go out people. I'm like, I hate this.

This is so miserable. But like I think people are like, I can be around people that drink, but it took you like a year. Yeah. And I can be around people that drink. I just don't prefer it. Right. No, just people like getting drunk gives me PTSD to like when I was drunk. Like when people's like, when they're loud and they're messy, I get like,

yeah, that used to be me. I used to, and I get so annoyed by them. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, I annoyed so many people. And I used to just think I was so fun and so cool. And everyone's probably like, this bitch needs help. I used to think nobody could tell that I was drunk and that I was so funny and articulate when I was drinking. We recorded two episodes with me having a couple drinks.

And I was like, that's the end of that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's immediate. You're just like, you can't understand. I already have a lazy mouth and a lisp. And so I have like one shot and my tongue just abdicate. Take second mouth.

Okay, so let's talk about your journey. To sobriety? Yeah. And like when you are a person who, whether you're sober now or just more like moderate, like I consider myself, that used to be just like blacked out all the time, like sleeping with random people, one night stands like all the things. I don't know. You see those people out and you're like, that was me.

Yeah. And I'm great for. it's not me anymore, but I also do not regret who I was or what I did. Totally. Like, I had so much fun. And the thing is, like I said, I didn't have a good time in school. And then my mom was really abusive. So, like, there was no safe space for me. And when I found alcohol, I was like, oh, fuck yeah. Like, I finally was like, I have arrived. I have a friend. It's in a bottle. Not ideal. But like, like, it create community around it. Yeah. It gave me, you know, confidence in a way that I had never had before. And then, yeah, I think, like, being promiscuous came really quickly after that, where it was like I started drinking and then I started hooking up, and I found like a lot of power in it. Like I kind of, I had a lot of fun with it. And, you know, there's really no part of me that's like,

oh, I wish I didn't do that because I think that's like what I needed to do to find myself. And I found myself. And then I kind of, as it kept going, I lost myself. You know, it's like alcohol was very helpful. It was literally my best friend. It was like the only thing I could rely on. And then the further it got, you know, it's like it's fun. and then it's fun with problems and then it's just problems.

So it was just, it got to the point where it was just problems. Like every time, you know, when I got into my marriage, because my ex-husband and I, we were like drinking buddies when we first started dating. We would get fucking blackout together. And it was great. But then there was just like this little thing eating away at me that I'm like, I'm not in control and I'm losing my life. Like I'm not doing the things that I know I need to do.

Like at the time I had started comedy in 2012, But I was working a day job. I worked in advertising. I was like the head of recruitment for Apple's agency of record. And I hated that job. It was killing me. And I knew I should have been doing comedy, but I didn't. I literally was like the comedy store.

I lived in Venice. I'm like, the comedy store is 10 miles away. I can't drink and drive every night. So like I'll just not do comedy. Like that was my solution. And then there was a big part of me that was drinking at my mom because my mom was so volatile. She was just like, you know,

She was borderline personality disorder. She was very difficult to deal with. And I was drinking at her. And I was like, I kind of wanted to show her that I could drink and have like this life that she was never able to manage because she always called me an alcoholic. Like when I was 10, she's like, you're going to be an alcoholic just like your dad. Like you're going to ruin your life. You're going to this.

You're going to that. And so I think in my head, I was like, I'm going to show you that I can drink and I can do everything. You know, but there was like this, again, this gnawing thing where I'm like, I'm losing myself here. Like, I'm not happy. I'm waking up every morning. I don't know what I did the night before. I don't know whose feelings I hurt.

And, you know, my ex-husband, who's a wonderful person, was a little bit of an enabler because he's like, you're fine. Don't worry about it. You're fine. Like, every morning would tell me I'm fine, but I'm like, I don't feel fine. Like, I feel like I fucked up. Like, I don't feel good. And that anxiety just started kind of eating at me.

And I think for, like, two years I was, like, thinking about quitting, but I was like, no, I still have to, like, show my mom. And then when my mom killed herself, I remember I got the call, and I was, like, so relieved because I was just like, oh, fuck. I can finally be done. Like, I don't have to, like, the monkey was just off my back. I'm like, I don't have to keep showing this person. Wow.

But then the flip side of that is, like, mentally I knew I could be done. But then the physical addiction to alcohol is brutal. So I was doing this thing with my therapist where she's like, it doesn't matter what day it is, but wake up. And if you tell yourself, I'm not going to drink today, she's like, I don't care what you decide. She's like, you wake up in the morning, you decide I am drinking today or I'm not drinking today. And then you stick to it.

And I was like, that's easy. And I remember I woke up one day and it was like a Wednesday. And I was like, I'm not going to drink today. It's a Wednesday. I can do this. And it was like lunch. I was with my ex-husband. I was like, two beers deep before I even like remembered that you said that you weren't.

That I said I wasn't going to drink. And I was like, oh, I'm not in control. And then when I went home for my mom's funeral, I was like, this would be a really good time to not get drunk. Oh, okay. And I blacked out. And I don't understand anything. And then I woke up the next morning and I was talking to my cousin and my friend. who was at the funeral. I was like, that went like pretty well, right? And they're like, yeah,

like what happened? And they're like, well, you went back to the bar and you cried on the bar for like three hours. And I was like, okay, I'm done. Like I was like, I don't want anyone telling me about my life anymore. You know what I mean? Like, I want to know what I did. And I don't want this thing where like people are filling in the blanks of my life. And that morning, I think I had a mimosa. And that was my last drink. Really? Or drink again. Yeah. Okay. So December 11th, 2017 was my last drink. Did you find that quitting cold turkey, I guess, technically? Is the phrase, like, easy-ish? Oh, no, not easy. And I was also a fucking mental patient about it. Like, I wasn't, like, sober. I quit drinking, but I wasn't sober. I was then just smoking weed 24-7.

I couldn't even, like, I was screwing my words up on weed, which is something I didn't even do on alcohol. So I was just like, this isn't a vibe. And then I was, like, also doing, like, Molly and Coke. And like, my ex-husband was like, I think maybe you're not sober. And I'm like, no, I am. I was doing coke. Thank you for sharing that beautiful story. I want to acknowledge that and we appreciate it. Oh, of course, yeah. But, okay, so on the road towards getting sober, like alcohol sober,

was your husband, like, consistent that you get sober or not get sober? Was he like, this isn't a problem? He didn't want me to get sober. I mean, I figured that. Did he think you were over-exaggerating what the problem was? Like, what was his... No, his thing was, if I got sober, it meant he had a problem, too. Sure.

Because we were drinking together. And he didn't want to admit... that he might have had an issue with it too. So I then had to just hide from him that I was going to meetings. To AA meetings. Yeah, to AA meetings. And I just got sober on my own. And then I just never really caved.

Like I started, after I was like doing Molly and Coke, I ran into a friend that's in the program. And I was like, I'm sober. And she's like, are you still smoking weed? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, she asked me, she's like, who are you that you're so afraid to be with yourself? And I was like, what a fucking rude question? Like, what an attack? And then I was like, fuck you all quit doing the other drugs too.

And then I had a real mental breakdown. Because it's like they say when you're drinking and using like, it's literally like driving a station wagon and you throw all your problems in the back. And then when you get sober, it's like slamming on the brakes and everything comes forward. So like all of that trauma and everything that I was burying with drugs and alcohol came forward. And it really fucked me up. And it was really hardcore.

But I went through the process of getting sober and then probably six months into it. Like my life just started getting better. And my ex-husband noticed and his life was like, like getting worse. He was like gaining weight. He was really unhappy at work. He was just like not doing well. And I just told him, I was like, why don't you take one month off? Just one month off and see how you feel. And he did and he lost 15 pounds in one month. And then he never drank again. He's still sober to this day. Wow. He does like mushrooms and stuff. So he's not in AA like I am, but he's still sober. His life is better than it's ever bad. Like it's just like. Yeah, it's great.

Well, part of probably the enabling, and I know you say he's like a great guy, like we don't want to talk poorly about him, but it was like he probably couldn't see what the relationship would look like. Right. Like part of it's like, well, what are we supposed to do? Yeah. Well, that was part of the problem was like, what's the activities now? What do we do? Right. I do think even if you don't have a problem, which I don't think I have a clinical problem with alcohol, if your partner is sober, it does sort of feel like a judgment calling you.

It's not. I was completely sober. Had been for years. And when you go out, he didn't care if I, like, drank a little bit. He didn't care at all. Like, God, do I mean, Ashley, we'd have wine? He literally genuinely did not care. But when I would start to get, like, a little loose and silly, like, I felt a little judged

by this person. And, like, I could tell I was annoying him a little bit. And I don't have a problem with alcohol. I don't think he had a problem with me, really. I mean, it was my own projections of, like, is he having a problem with me right now? You know? But I think it's hard to not feel like this person got their life together and I'm still drinking.

Right. Do they have a problem with me? Who sober even wants to be around someone who's, like, loose and silly? You just don't want it. You wouldn't want it. I can't. When I'm not drinking, I hate people who are drinking. It's not a match.

It's not, after two drinks, I like can't be around you if I'm sober and you're drinking. It's not fun for me. Yeah. So that was my question, just how the marriage looked in the time when he kept drinking and you were sober before he stopped drinking. Like, would he drink around you? Oh, yeah. You know, when we ended up getting divorced, I think he was a little blindsided by the divorce. And because I didn't communicate it, I don't think he knew how close I was to leaving before.

You know, when I got sober and he was still drinking, it was a really difficult period because early sobriety is very difficult, you know, like on its own, very difficult. But then to be doing that with somebody who is, it wasn't like he was vengefully drinking, but he was drinking a lot. You know what I mean? He just kept his life. Yeah, he just kept going. And I remember there was like a weekend where he came back and he was just like on a bender. It was like a three-day run. And he came back and he was in a blackout and he like, you know, undressed and got in bed.

and I'm sober and he was like throwing himself on me and he's like come on, come on. And I'm just like, no, no. Like no and never and I can't keep going if this is what this looks like. Right. You know what I mean? Because it's just like, I don't, there's nothing worse than a blacked out dude. Try to fuck. When you're dead sober. Yeah. When you're dead sober and there's just a guy. And then like getting mad and sad and like, righty that I wouldn't fuck him.

I'm like, I mean, I've been on the other side of that. Yeah. Oh, totally. Where I'm the blacked out person. Yeah. The guy that I met into you high school tried to go to go to was how I was blacked out drunk, he's sober. Yeah. If that was the last time I ever saw him. I don't even know what he saw.

Yeah. Like, I can't even think about it. It was like probably so mortified. Also, I like, hey, being the sober person, me like, I have to, you're not going to remember this, but I have to deal with this while you're in front of me. And I have to talk to you like you're a person, but you're not. Right.

You're not going to remember this. Right. Right. You're like, this is a waste of my time. Right. But yes. And then timeline wise, once he got sober, how much longer did you stay married? Or it was shortly after.

So I actually got sober. the same year we got married. Right. So then he got sober a year later and we were married total for five years. Oh, okay.

So we lasted for about three years after that. Okay. I guess I didn't realize it was, that's a long time. Yeah. What did like socializing

look like after you both got sober? Was that like just great? I can't believe we got here together? Yeah, it was just different. Like we would have barbecues and stuff at our house and like we would still have people over but it wasn't like ragers,

you know what I mean? And it just became a lot more of us like hiking and watching movies and just like doing more normal stuff. Like I think what wasn't normal was how much we were drinking together. Like, we literally would go to brunch at tasting kitchen and then go to straight to townhouse, like, and get fucking blackout at like one o'clock in the afternoon. Like my friend would text me being like, I saw you falling into a bush. And I'm like, what up? Like I know, right?

So funny. Just like, yeah, I'm like, that's not okay. Like someone just drove by our house in the afternoon. falling into a bush. Right. The amount of times I've been in a bush, yeah. Everybody's a bush story about me. And I'm not talking about my pussy.

Like literally like Ashley was in a bush. Like we all fall into a bush. So like when you guys got sober, I think it's almost like when your kids leave the house and a couple has to be like, do we have to talk to each other now? Seriously. No.

The empty nesters. So like when your child, a.k.a. alcohol left the house. Yeah. Do you guys like, I like you or I don't like you? Like, what was that like? I always really liked him. He is.

one of the funniest people that I know. She wanted to hook him up with you. Yes. Let's do it. I literally. He was with somebody else, but she was like, I wish my ex-husband was single because I feel like right now. Listen, now that I'm pretty, I could break them up. Sorry, I cut you off. He's funny. He's perfect. He's so funny. Like, literally, he said to me, I posted this on my Instagram the other day, but I was like very depressed after the divorce because we're still friends. I went over there and I was like sobbing.

And I was like, this is so painful. I just don't want to feel this. Like, I don't, it would be easier to just not be here. And he's like, are you? you're going to kill yourself. And I was like, I want to. And he's like, well, you can't. And it's not because I want you alive. But it's because. He's like, Rain has turned on now.

He's like, the stuff I laugh out on the show is really fucked up. It's not even Ashley's like, don't do that. He said afterwards, he's like, it's not because I want you alive. It's because so many people want you to kill yourself. That's what I'm saying. He's so funny. He's so dark. He's like 100% got my humor.

Here's the thing. After we broke up, I was like, I don't know how I'm going to be a comic. anymore because so many of my jokes were just me repeating things he said. Yeah, I feel like so many comedians, well, women, are like, have a really funny partner that no one knows about. Like, I don't know. I think my woman's hysterical. No one, like, he's not a comedian. I think you're just like, you have to be with somebody who shares the same fucked up sense of humor. My brother writes my jokes. Right. Like my brother, yeah, like it's just kind of. Yeah. So he's so funny. And I was like, I don't know how I'm ever going to write a joke again. But yeah, he's great. I literally was

like, I wanted to hook him up with you, but he's had another girlfriend for a year. So, well, they're not married. So we'll say, and I'm pretty now. Listen. Listen. Did you actually, you felt like you were like suicidal though after the divorce? Very. I was suicidal twice in my life. Once right after I got sober. Because I think I realized all

of my confidence and everything that I thought was mine and that's who I was. I thought I was like this confident, sassy, strong bitch. Like when I quit drinking, I was just fucking sad. I was like, I'm sad and I'm deeply sad. And I don't want to be here. And one of the things that like is my grief response, if there was a switch,

to just turn it all off, I would have shut it off so long ago. So when I first got sober, I was suicidal and then after I got divorced, I was too. Because I just was like, I built this whole beautiful life with this beautiful person. And like, it didn't work. And I know that's like God's plan. But like it was just so painful. And it was also like he kind of mourned the divorce while we were still married. Like while we were separated and going to couples therapy, I think that's when he was mourning it because he knew like what I was getting ready. ready to do. And then once I divorced him, he had a new girlfriend a month later. So it was like, he moved on very quickly. And then I... It's very typical of men. Yeah. Like in general. I mean,

he was married before too. And him and I started dating two weeks after his ex. And him broke up. So, yeah, it was really dark and it was really sad. And then it was like this L.A. winter was just rainy. Do you remember how like rainy and horrible it was? It was just so depressing. They were like, why do we move here? Yeah. And I would just be, like, the weather surrounding your depressing time is even worse. Yeah. And then it was worse because I had to go on the road. I went on my first tour. I was by myself. I was trying to make this funny. And it wasn't funny to me yet. It still was really fucking sad. And then I kind of, while I was trying to joke around about it, I realized I'm like, I don't want to talk about this. Like, I don't want to give people this part of my life. Like, and I also don't want to exploit our marriage for my comedy. So, you know, I tried to move. on and start dating and make it all make that funny. And I'm just like, it wasn't a funny year. It wasn't a good year. Yeah. You'll get there. No, I'm there. I'm better now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

to when it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, I'm not sober. I just, but so many times in my life, we've talked about our experiences and whatever other times we've gotten in trouble and people are like, you should stop drinking. Everything bad happens. Like, my parents would just be like, something bad always happens. You just lose your license or you've lost your car or you've got a DUI, you know, like, how can you not see that this is really harmful in your life? And, The thought of not drinking was like panic. It was just like, that's my personality. It's a part of who I am.

I'm like a party girl. I could not even picture my life not being that person. Yeah. It's so I can imagine for you, you thought it like defined you and to just stop. It was a, like the baggage comes slamming forward. It was a branding crisis. Literally my Instagram, my middle name is Rose. My Instagram was Brittany Rose.

Like, it was my whole personality. Like that Christmas, I went back to my in-laws, my ex-in-law. house and all of the gifts they had gotten me, I had literally just quit drinking December 11th. All the gifts they got me were alcohol. Alcohol gifts. So, but they're like, you're going to come back, right? And I'm like, yeah. You know, I had to tell everyone I would be back because otherwise the pressure to drink was just so enormous. Yeah. I was like, I'm just taking like a month off. Yeah, sometimes people can like distill that information a little easier if you're like, it's just a break. Yeah, just like a month. Right. I'm doing sober December. Yeah. It's so interesting that you say

that like a lot of your confidence and personality is derived from alcohol. Because like I see you and I think you're like so effervescent and bubbly and confident and you like really light up a room. Like you're really nice to be around and none of it is alcohol based. And I look at you and you are to me from the outside somebody who seems really like confident and you don't need alcohol for a personality at all. Like you're so quick and funny and like it would have never occurred to me that you ever felt like that because like you truly do not seem to need alcohol at all to like show up and light up a room.

Thank you. That's very sweet. It took a lot of work, though. I had to do a lot of work on myself to, like, make my confidence based in self-love rather than make it based in tequila or rosé or like telling someone off. Because I think like that quickness, it's always been in me, but alcohol brought it out of me and I was afraid I wasn't going to be funny. I wasn't going to be quick. I wasn't going to be able to make a joke if I quit drinking. And then like what happened is there is a period where it's like downtime. And then when you come back, you're stronger than you ever were with alcohol. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, how'd you do that? then? Like what? Well, I worked the 12 steps. I worked a program, which is like you have to like really

look internally at like yourself and like all the conflicts you've had in your life and all the pain points and like character defects and just everything that makes you act out. And then just like figure out how to be a better person. And like a more, I didn't have morals when I was young and I was drinking. I just like didn't care if a guy had a wife or a girlfriend or whatever. I didn't care about that stuff. I just was like whoever can serve me. You know, like, what can I get out of this situation? I was actually, you know what it is? It's like when you spot it, you got it.

Like when I was saying earlier, there's people in L.A. that I don't like because I know they're looking for something or I know. I was that person. Right. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, you're a basketball player. I can go do this. I can go do that.

And I'll still fuck a basketball player. You can be wrong, but they have to be single. Yeah. They have to be single. No more. Get a wife. No more. No more.

Like, I'm not a mistress anymore. You know what I mean? So it's like, look out. I've got morals now. I'm a real All the wags The wags can rest easy Yeah

Rest easy So your divorce was final At the beginning of 2020 Yeah February it was final But we were done In September 22 So like about a year

And I mean I've been friends of you for the year And I've known a lot of your stories And dating and things like that We're not going to need to get on that road But just in terms of dating sober Yeah I mean

It's a nightmare It's an absolute nightmare Because here's the thing, I'm horny and I want to get late. I'm horny and I want to fuck, but I can't let any of this haunted energy into me. No, because you used to just be talking about it. You just would get drunk and call somebody and you just fuck. Pop that puss. It didn't fucking matter.

And now I'm like, if I don't like you, I can't fuck you. And that is a shame for both of us. Because I don't really like anyone. And then the people I do like are fucking monsters. I mean, just absolute maniac. So I'm just like, you know, maybe I have a bad picker. I think it was off a little this year. Oh, you think?

But I feel like you know it and it's going to be a better going forward. Yeah, I've done work on that now too. Yeah. So, yeah, no, it's a nightmare. It's bad. Guys in L.A. are really difficult. And then the guys that I'm attracted to, this is something that's like, I would say a flaw about me. I'm attracted to people in positions of power, like celebrities or athletes or whatever it is.

I don't know. That's like something that's broken inside of me, by the way. I don't think that's like a good thing. I think that's like I don't think I'm worth loving. So then I go to somebody who I know won't love me. And then I'm like, aha, I was right. You know what I mean? Or somebody that I know doesn't have the capacity to love me in the way that like, as a mature, healthy person who's done work on themselves, I should be loved. So I think like one of my goals this year is to kind of recalibrate that and not focus on like what somebody does for work. Because it's like, that doesn't fucking matter. You know. Liking people in position of power is not weird for the record. But what you said is like if you feel like you're unworthy of love, of course, like it pains me to hear that as your friend. But if you feel like you have pinpointed it, you're in a great place to understand it and move forward.

Let a person in power come to me. Let me see how quickly I fall. I mean, it's sexy. People with power and money and that they've worked really hard to get there is really sexy. It depends what their other personality traits are like. Like somebody who's like a mega celebrity. That's not for me.

You're pretty. you're over here like a 10 and you're you know or commanding a room with a mic in your hand like you do need someone that totally can match your energy i have to tell you this i slid in this guy's dms the way you uncrossed your legs it sat up to tell him stories you guys i just it's just atrocious it just keeps going i slid in this guy's dms over christmas because i was born and i need love and he's a basketball player and i had a clip up where i was talking about how i slept with too many people in college or whatever. And he, the first thing he DMed me,

I'm asking him interesting questions because I'm a fucking interesting bitch. You'll send me a lot of DMs. It's fun to read. Yes. It's a fun read. He asked me, he said, how many people have you slept with as an adult? And I said, oh, thank God we're taking up me being a child. He said as an adult. You didn't tell me that part.

And I said, it's in there. Like post-21. Well, that's what I said. I was like, 14. Also, who knows? Your guess is as good as mine. Like, who asks that question? It's an insane question. Not a match. Did you ask him?

No, because I'm not a child. I don't care. If somebody asked me that, I'd be like, it's not of your business, and also how many people do you. Well, so she told me this. I died laughing. First of all, we're talking about adult. What adult asked that question that's insane.

Yeah. But what was his number where she was going to be okay or not? Like, what was the line? I want to know what the line is. Okay. What's divided by two and add five? Right. I'm like, how about you guess?

And then I'll tell you what you multiply by that. To get into the ballpark. It's so funny. How many people do I look like I fuck? That is so funny. You get three guesses. Tell me how tight my pussy is. And how many people you think have plowed through here?

How insulting are you going to get? But if he's super Christian wasn't the whole thing? Well, then his next question to me was, do you believe in Jesus Christ? I'd be like, I really regret sliding in here. And another part of me would be like, this is the best day. By the way, I'm still going. I still just talking to. Oh, yeah, because I can't stop at this point.

I'm like, it's been a slow writing month. I love this. He's like, do you believe in Jesus Christ? And I didn't answer that. And I just went to bed. And then I woke up in the morning. And at 8 a.m. He said, do you believe in Jesus Christ?

He asked you again. That's the funniest shit. It is before noon. Yeah. And did you respond? No. No, I said yes. Because she's trying to fuck.

That's what I was like, I for the first time I understood why guys lie to get laid. I was like, I fucked one person, my ex-husband. And I believe in Jesus Christ. I mean, if you don't have Algoner. all to entertain you. You should at least have this. I know. That's what I'm saying. So we had this conversation the other night at dinner and then you told me this, what, that clip from that podcast of those guys talking about how many women are here. Oh, yes. I was on Earthquake Radio and it was me and three other black male comedians and they all on it with them. Yes. Oh, I thought you had heard this clip.

Oh, you were like in the room. I was in the room and they were talking about what an appropriate number for their woman to have had sex with was. And they said between three and five, all of them said between three and five. And I was like, I have done that in one night. Between three and five, you also don't know. Yeah. No time frame. Yeah.

At one fucking festival. I was about this the other day because I was like, okay, my number would scare some people. Yeah. It's a lot of people. My number would scare me. Like, I don't even know what it is. Yeah. Right.

Like my number would like really scare some people. But then I'm just like, I actually am not like knocking down another dude every week. multiple years-long relationships. I've had like really healthy long-term relationships. I don't even honestly, now I found the time to fuck this many people. But like, if you reach the age of 30 years old and you have not had sex as many people as I have, like, I don't know what you did with your time. What are you doing?

Right. I'm so horny right now. And I just haven't had sex in like two months. You know what I mean? Yeah. I just like, I don't know how people live. Well, wait until we send you home with the Debbie. I can't wait.

I actually bet I could probably name close to everybody in the last like eight to 10 years, but the 10 years before that. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. So, yeah. Like, I've been having sex for, what, 20, 22 years? Right, right, right. 18. I'm not doing math on you. I'm doing math on me. It's a lot of years. So, like, the first 10, like, who fucking knows? 25 years I've been having sex. The last decade, it's been slow. Yeah. You know, there's some relationships. It's not, like, it doesn't last like that forever. But to ask a woman that, first of all, is insane. But it's also just like, you're not taking into account, like someone's age, whatever. It's crazy. Like, if you've really been fucking for 20 years, what?

Truly, if someone was like, I will give you a billion dollars if you tell me every person you've slept with. I wouldn't even start. I would just be like, I'm going to have to figure out how to make a billion dollars a different way. I'd be like, what about I can name like 40 of them for 500 million? I'm like, I'm like, I'm trying to strike a deal. I'm like, also, who has the master copy? Because I would like to see it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, Jesus Christ has it.

Only God knows. And only guy can judge. There's one guy who is name. I just can't remember and it's been bugging me, but I can see his face and his dick. But I just can't, I can't even remember anything. I've been talking for like 22 years, five people a year. That's way more than I've done. And five doesn't sound like a lot.

Yeah. It's 100. 22 times five? 20 times five. I said 22, but 22 times five. So 110. And I haven't hit that number yet. And five a year does not sound like that many.

You haven't hit 110? No. I have not broke the 100 mark, I will say. That's what I think. It was like, what approved. Whoa. First of all, I thought we were all friends here. I think I'm getting anti-s slut shames out of my house.

You need to step it up. You need to get, leave and don't come back until you hit 100. I thought you had a sex toy company. Tess, do you still want to work here? I just look at her, Tessa was going, don't get it. She's scouting on her fingers. I'm close. Can you imagine, though, you're like, my bosses are sluts.

She's just sitting there like, those are my bosses. Not me. She's like, Rayna's not a slut. I don't think I want to work here. Anyway, I do think it's, like, really crazy. It's very young also. Can you imagine I was going to a 40-year-old woman? How many people she's left with?

That's, like, crazy. Yeah. But, like, my boyfriend at 20 asked or something, you know, like, whatever. I think he might be the first person, maybe second person who's ever asked me? I will say, like, gun to my head. I would much rather somebody, my partner have a ton of sexual experience, a ton of people. Because by the time you get to me, you have seen every size and shape of titty and put the, and done everything.

And like, I like that you've, like, sewed those oats. You know what I mean? And, like, picked up some moves. You show up in my bedroom and you've only had sex with, like, 10 people. I don't think we could do this. No.

A 40-year-old man, it's like, like, fuck 10 people. Like, what was your life? He's crazy. Yeah, no. The other thing is, too, if you do want, like, a long-term relationship, I don't want somebody who's curious. I don't want somebody who's wondering what's out there. Like, come to me when you are weathered and tired.

Beating up when you see a hundred vaginas. Yes. And maybe. And maybe a couple of dicks. Throw a dick in your ass. Yes, exactly. Make sure you don't, you're not gay, you know? You haven't sucked a dick?

I don't want to know. Yeah. You haven't sucked a dick. Get out of my house. You don't know what I've been through. Yeah. You don't know my experience. Yeah. I definitely don't want to ever hear like all the gory details.

But like I got in this conversation in the night with Sparkle. I was just like talking about people we'd slept with. Like I want to know. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. I don't want details. But I want to know.

Not details. Yeah. Well, let's talk about your comedy and this podcast, you're starting with the other Britney, which is so funny. Just these two Britney's. I actually, when I go out with you, I'm like, I'm Ashley and you're like, I'm Britney. It's like these are the two white this girl. I know, I know. We were up annoyingly.

This rapper's house one night. Oh, my God. I was like, hi, I'm Britney. I'm Ashley. It's just like, yeah, okay. You're like, we know. Let's not breeze past Jeremiah. Because that is my fucking boy.

Ashley just got to L.A. And we were on a show together. And I was like, he was hitting me up. He said he was going to come to the show, but he got stuck in the studio, which was just like his closet. He was like wrapping in. And I was like, this is going to be the most L.A., like, welcoming moment if you come do this with me. And I dragged you up the hill to his house. And you know what's so funny is I remember when I was young, I used to think that was so cool.

And then we got there and again, sober. Sober. Not as cool. Yeah. Like I love Jeremiah. I love his music. I love him. He's a wonderful person.

But I haven't seen him since I got sober. So he came up to me. He's like, do you want wine? And I was like, no, I'm sober. And he's like, cool. So you want weed? And I'm like, no, I'm sober. And he's just like, do you want wine?

I was like, all right. I feel like something's not landing here. Yeah, it wasn't that cool, but he was super nice and so pleasant. And he's so pleasant. And we laughed about stuff for days. I've been harassing him. Funny content. Yeah.

Okay. So you're starting this podcast with the other Britney. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. It's called This Is the Worst. And we're doing it on Just Media, which is Alex Bennett. She just left Barstool and she created her own thing. And she came to us and we are starting it.

We're literally recording this weekend and we launch on the 10th. Oh, my God. We're going to be exclusive. I know. Thank you. Yeah. I think it's going to be fun. I mean, you know, we'll see.

It's such an oversaturated market. It's like kind of a risk. But I think it's going to be fun because Brittany and I just have the stupidest conversations and we're like, let's just put them on the pod and call the LA. I really believe in it. And then you just did a tour and you are shooting your special in LA. And people maybe could come. We're going to be there.

At the Hotel Roosevelt on the 14th. But there's only like 20 tickets left for each show. Oh, well then sorry guys. Yeah, sorry. Catch the special when it drops. Yeah. Okay. Maybe on 800 pound gorilla again.

We'll see. Cool. Yeah. We just want to hype everything that you do and you're so funny and you perform all over LA, for our listeners, they can always find you wherever. Yeah, I mean, I'm probably not going to be performing a lot. I'm like going to be writing

for the first like half of this year. Yeah, I'm going to be DMing. And finding Jesus Christ. I'm going to be finding Jesus, DMing athletes, saying that I'm not saying that I'm getting better, saying that I'm not going to go after bad people and then just continuing to listen, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think that like you should really give yourself a lot of credit. You like quit drinking. you left a marriage that wasn't necessarily serving you anymore. You still have a relationship with that person. You have friends in your life. You don't have to become a whole new person overnight. And I think people put a lot of pressure on themselves, like, especially this month of the year,

to be like, okay, resolution, I'm going to change every single thing about myself. And like, for you, this has taken, like, what, five years since you got sober? Yeah. And so it's just like one little bit at a time is still, like, progress. And you've done a lot. Well, and I think I like that you are open about it, especially, you know, on like New Year's Eve day. like so many people recapping their year.

Did you notice it was an excessive amount of like reels? Oh, yeah. My life is so perfect and so great. It's always the highlight reel. Yeah. And if you want to do that, I think that's great. I'm not saying it's like cringe or anything,

but I was just too hung over to do it. I mean, I actually had a great year, but I'm going to be honest. I was too. I've been drinking a lot the last few weeks and I'm a little bit up. But you're like this was not a great year. Yeah. Some great things came out of it.

You have these new friends. You know, you did your tour and, you know, but it was like a rebuilding year. And not every year. is picture perfect? Like people sometimes want to make it seem. Yeah. I saw a girlfriend in mine.

She posted yesterday, like actually this year was terrible. It was terrible for me. I got no situation. I didn't want to be in. Like professionally, not great. And I was like, good for you, honestly. Yeah. That like on January 1st, you're like, you know,

this isn't some like renewal. Everything's so great. You're just like, this was a terrible year. Yeah. And I respect acknowledging that. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a fine line between being a victim and being just honest.

And I'm just like, I'm so great. full for 2023. It made me so much stronger than I've ever been. But that came at the cost of like fucking a lot of crying. Yeah. Like a lot of crying. A lot of like wanting to give up. A lot of just being like I don't see the point in any of this. And then slowly it just kind of, you know, all that darkness peeled off. And I'm like, okay, we'll give it one more year. Please stick around. Give it one more year before I'm hanging next to the mistletoe. Well, I'm proud of you. We're really proud of you. That was a great joke.

Okay, we'll plug your Instagram website. Oh, yeah. My Instagram is Brittany Schmidt, B-R-I-T-T-A-N-Y, S-C-H-M-I-T-T. There's no D in my last name. I took all of those in college. I'm still trying. And then, like, a few more. If you know any men who are powerful.

But also nice. I want to, like, ruin my pussy. DM me. She's like, I've learned nothing. She's like, this is a real problem. but if you could all talk to your powerful, rich, successful friends, they can fuck me. You guys just told me I didn't have to change everything.

The way she regressed immediately. That was on you. Don't make me eat those words. I was trying to have like a positive takeaway. I'm so proud of you. You know you are fucked up, Brittany, and you should go straight to therapy. Okay, so follow Brittany, brittysmith.com.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Great. And of course, girls got to eat. com. You can find our episodes, everything you want to know about us. We are Girls Got Eat Podcast on Instagram and TikTok.

I'm Ash Hess, Rain is Rayna.org, and of course, vibes only.com. Get your vibrators. You're about to send Brittany home with the Debbie. Change her life. She's not going to want to be DMing after this grabs her quit. I don't know. Now I leave the house.

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