Girls Gotta Eat - Girl Crush feat. Comedian Emma Willmann

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

Strap in (or strap-on) for this one! We're joined by hilarious comedian and actress Emma Willmann (Netflix, Colbert, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) to talk about the Lesbian Hunger Games, being in the closet in high school, sex toys, dating apps, bisexuality, and more. We also play Is This Weird? with one of our most bizarre sexual scenarios yet, and Rayna analyzes Ashley's latest Hinge encounters. PLUS we announce new upcoming live shows! Find all things Emma on her website and follow her on Insta @EmmaWillmann. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, and check our website for show dates and merchandise. Thank you to our sponsors for this episode: Addyi (Learn more at Addyi.com/GGE.) ModCloth (For 15% off your order of $100 or more, go to ModCloth.com and enter code GGE at checkout. One-time use only, expires 2/2/19.) See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He was trying to ask if I was gay, but I couldn't tell what he was trying to ask until he said this. He goes, so we wouldn't work. There's, um, uh, wait, so I take it you're not like, you're not like heavy into the dick. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Happy Cyber Monday. Happy post Thanksgiving Day. It's my favorite holiday. Is it?

Thanksgiving? Because of the food? Yeah, because, I mean, obviously, a food holiday is my favorite holiday. And we don't get Christmas for Jews. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And, like, you don't really do, I mean, I don't know what other people are, Thanksgiving. We always do, but Hanukkah's not like a thing.

I learned that. I learned that recently. That it's only for kids? Yeah, that it's not like Jewish Christmas. It's just, I mean, it was nice as a kid. We did traditions. We like Lithuanora, but like, yeah, I mean, it's not like a thing you do after you grow up. I don't think.

So announcement time. Oh, my God, I'm so excited again. What's happening? I haven't been this excited since you let me do the money episode. Oh, money. You don't have any money? Can I have some money? When you looked over at me at that event and you were like,

we can do the money episode. Oh my God, this is almost... Your panties are still wet. I haven't dried out. Okay, do you want to do it? Let's do it together. I don't know. Why don't one of us announce January?

One of us announced February. Okay, guys, we're going on tour. Oh, I'm doing February because February is my big month. Okay. We're going on tour. I'm really excited. I should just want to call it a tour, but can I call it? We're doing a bunch of shows.

Okay. However you, whatever you feel comfortable with, Rada. I feel like it's cooler to my family that I'm going on tour. We're going on tour. Anyway, so obviously I want to get to every single city. You guys are so cool and excited about every city in the United States. I swear to God, people we listen from all over. But we're going to get to all of them, I promise.

But first up, we are coming to D.C. I am so excited. I love it there. I think it's so much fun. So mid-January, we're going to be in D.C., followed by L.A. Yes. And we'll be in L.A. for, and D.C. for a little while. So I'm excited to just explore and travel around.

and then February. First of all, February is a big month for me. It is my anniversary of moving to New York, February 1st, February 4th is Dewey's birthday. He will be 11 this year. Oh my God. And then after all these monumental things, also, it's when we launched the podcast. Yes, the anniversary of the podcast. The anniversary of the podcast.

Is February 13th or the 12th? Yes. Whatever it is, like we have shows all that week, which is actually pretty crazy. This is all going through my head right now that we are doing three shows on our anniversary week. Okay, wow. I'm getting emotional. So we're starting the week, February 10th, which is probably the day that we got approved on iTunes.

All these are like monumental days. February 10th or 11th, whatever, this will be on the website, guys. We are in Boston at Laugh, Boston. And then we are going to be in Chicago again on the 13th at this insane venue, Talia Hall. I love that it's on the 13th because it's like sidepiece night. This sidepiece night. That's the theme. Bring your sidepiece out.

Bring your side piece. I'm so excited. So Boston, Chicago, Take 2, and then January, or D.C. and L.A. and January. And in D.C., we're at the improv, right? And L.A. Also improv, Hollywood Improv. And I feel like we need to address this because we were, like, all hype on this Frostbite tour, and you guys just bombed us for Minneapolis.

And we are coming to Minneapolis. We swear it is on our list. We are actually super, super excited about it. We want to come when it's a little warmer. Yeah. I get sick a lot. So Ashley knows I can't be in this many cold places at once. So just, I don't know.

I mean, we're coming to Florida. Let us know where you want us to come in Florida. We love Miami. We want to do Central Florida too. So let us know where you want us to come in Florida, all of our Florida fans. We're going to hit up Texas. We're going to get to Denver eventually.

We're going to do like... Pittsburgh, Charleston. Charleston, Seattle, Portland. These are not official announcements. We are only announcing those first cities we said, but these are on our list. We swear to God. And so even more than we're saying.

But like, I just feel like we keep getting all this love. for Minneapolis, and I've never been there, and I'm just really excited to go. It'll probably just be more so early spring. Yeah. But we're coming. We're coming. So leave us alone. You guys can see all the dates on our website.

We'll have ticket links for you on the website, so it's really easy for you. It's girls got eapodewpodcast.com slash shows. Also on our Instagram, we'll have the link in our bio. We'll put a link in our stories to swipe up. We want to make this very easy for you guys. I cannot stress this enough. Our shows have sold out in 24 hours every show. So New York, we sold out in 24 hours.

We added a second day also sold out in 48 hours. Right. I don't know, get those tickets, guys. Yeah, and like, what else do you guys do in January and February? Right. Bundle up, come on out. Right. I'm not going out of the house unless we have a show.

That's all. We don't leave the house. I'm in, like, a deep, deep relationship with delivery drivers in New York City, January, February, March. Like, I see the Pizza Hut, Domino's people more than I see you. Right. And that's what I always throw on that extra tip because it's like you bike tier in a blizzard. Right. Thank you for these news.

So that I didn't have to put pants on today. Right. Wait do you see the onesie I just bought myself? It's a red plaid onesie with a hood and fur lining all over. It's insane. When you get it? Are we going to do a photo shoot? Oh, yeah.

I don't know next week. Okay, cool. Well, also, I want to say, speaking of clothing, the beanies. What? I want to tell you guys what happened the other night. What happened? Someone DM'd me. I'm going to read, I haven't read this to you.

Are you ready for those? Oh, you're just out here reading things without me that I don't know about. Because I was saving it for this. I'm so excited to read this. I just remember that I wanted to do this. Bombs driving. So the other night, I got a DM that said, oh, no, please release more black beaies with the pom-poms.

They've already sold out. I was going to message Raina, but I knew she wouldn't answer. This is a real DM from a listener. What are they sold out? No, we had a glitch on the website. Oh, that's what you told me about. Raina sabotaged the website. I was like go into the website.

And Raina was out and knew she was at dinner. Last night? Yeah, I'd seen you at like Instagram stories. I was like, I was the call me sell her last night. Oh, whatever you were doing. I was like, let me figure out what's going on with the, with the beanies. I go in, she had somehow like turned it so we had an inventory of zero. We don't even track inventory.

I was like, I cannot believe she's out here fully sabotaging the beanies. So you guys can't buy them. And she refused to acknowledge it. I was like, Raina. I was drunk. What's going on with the beanies? like black ops. I was like literally black ops. The beanie's black. You just like zeroed out the black beanies. I cannot believe that someone DM'd me because they were like, I knew Raina wouldn't

respond. The funny thing is I wear a beanie every day. All of our winners photos is very funny thing. But you guys, we hope you love the beanies or the holiday sweatshirts. We've gotten some sales coming. So we're so excited. And on another just announcement note is the Patreon. So thanks to you guys who have signed up and listened to our first episode on Patreon. We're so glad that you love it. If you guys don't know what that is, it's a membership platform. We are releasing bonus episodes on. So we're going to do a couple of months now. But you guys have asked for more episodes.

We wanted to figure out a way to do that for you guys. So they're there. Patreon is P-A-T-R-E-O-N. And you guys can go to patreon.com slash Girls' Gotta Eat to find everything. But yeah, you guys have signed up in droves. It's so cool. We love sharing this with you. So thank you for those of you have signed up.

If you haven't signed up yet, I don't know what you're doing with your life. Okay. Are we done with announcements? I think that's it. Okay. I feel like I need to just go through a couple of my latest hinge stories. Someone wrote in their Instagram story, Ashley's Hinge Stories, give me life. So I'm just out here trying to save a life.

Doctor has a guy. I'm going to make it quick. But I just feel like I need to update you guys. One of these I wanted to get your take on. Okay. So if you guys listened last week, we had a guy that hated 8 p.m. He refused to meet me at 8 p.m. And I haven't hurt from him since.

He just wanted to keep pushing back, pushing back. And so this past Sunday night, Sunday, 11.09 p.m. I match with this guy. And he writes, hey, Ashley, come meet me for a drink tonight in the East Village. 11 p.m. Direct. I was like, I had already did my skincare routine. Like, this is zero chances is happening. Why didn't he just write booty call, question mark? Okay. So that's what we thought, right? Well, it was a booty call. Mm. All right. Not not. Okay. I'll let you drop. Okay. So I was like, yeah, no. Obviously, no. I'm obviously no. I didn't respond. You know, at this point, I was like, um, wrapping up some stuff with the episode. And I was just like, yeah, I'm already in like pajamas. Skincare routine's done.

There's no way I'm going out. Again, like, I thought guys meet me out the second we matched on nine or ten at night. Like, because it's, but it's, whatever. So I write the next day, 1137 a.m. I write, how long is this offer valid? And he writes back one night only. And I was like, oh, wow, okay, it really was like a booty call situation. I was like, that seems fair. And then he wrote back. Yeah, I went back to San Francisco. So he was out of town. It was an exploding offer. So I will say, it's still been a booty call. I know, but one time, this, I matched with, this was years ago. I matched with the guy in Tinder. He was in town from Austin. We did meet up, like 10, 11 p.m. or whatever, I had some event, went and met up with him. I mean, I said,

went back to his hotel and we hooked up. And, like, after that, he was like, come visit me in Austin. Like, it kind of worked out. So I'm not super against that. And then I was like, you know, I need to change my mindset. Of course, this guy was just in town for one night. We matched. immediately. He was like, wow, this girl's pretty. I'm out in her neighborhood. She should meet me out. Yeah. Can I read you one more and then we'll get to our guest? I'm ready. I wanted to do it. So I love Doritos. They're not a sponsor. But I started talking about Doritos with this guy on Hinge and I said something like about Doritos and what flavor because I'm super nacho cheese for life, which is very polarizing. A lot of people are just like Cool Ranch only.

Yeah, totally. So I said he I said, what's your favorite flavor? And he was like, cool ranch. baby were you raised by wolves? And I was like, well, this is never going to work. And we go back and forth, whatever. And I said, I take back what I said. I can maybe put up with a cool rancher. Oh, wow, you changed. And he writes, I'll eat a whole bag of nacho cheese before our date, so I taste familiar to you. Okay, no. My first initial reaction was like, so cute. Like, I was like cute and witty. And then I was like, no, grow. Then I just got thinking that was cum tasting like Doritos. It just was all very weird. Like, do you think he met, like, I think he meant when you make out. I think he was I don't think you talk about when you suck his dick.

Cool Ranch cum. I feel weird about it. Nacho cheese, bitch. It's weird. How do you interpret it? I think it's romantic. Taste. Something about taste, I'll taste familiar.

I like felt cringy. It's a weird thing to say, but I think it's funny. And I appreciate somebody who's like outside of the box a little bit with their humor. I like someone with some fucked up humor. Okay. I'll respond. Yeah. I have a response. Yeah, I felt very weird about it. I don't know why. It's weird.

That word tastes like through me. Is this weird? It's weird. Is this weird? We're going to play Is This Weird today? Ooh, with a great guest. Yes, guys. Raina's going to introduce the guest because she got really thrown off last week. I just, I introduced the guests. That's how it is. Okay. What do I do? Everything else. Literally. You edit this podcast. She'll let me have something. Well, super excited. Raina hit it. Guys, we were really excited today. We have a fellow podcaster, actress, comedian in the studio. This is Emma Wilman. Welcome.

What's going on? Thank you guys for having me. You have the best t-shirt that we've had in the studio. It's the first time I've worn it. It's a Backstreet Boys t-shirt. For us? Well, I just... For you.

Do you guys like Backstreet Boys? Yes. What are you talking about? I'm an American. I want it that way. May as well be our national answer. I completely agree. If I want it that way comes on in a public place, you look around,

every person is singing it. And if they're not, they've got some dead puppies in the fridge. I completely... Right, that's a test of a sociopath. I totally agree. Although... Like, it comes on, I get chills. Oh, one...

We sing a lot on this show. It's so good. You guys like Backstreet more than Insync? Not, I mean... I have room in my heart for them both. As a group, though. Not to come out too controversial. I'm a big Justin Timberlake fan.

I like him more than any solo artist in Backstreet Boys, but I think as a whole... I'm going to go backstreet. Me too, I think. I actually, that, I had just been having this debate with my friend who likes in sync more, and then we each got our respective shirts,

but that was my whole argument. I was like, it's not about who's, if Justin Timberlake's better, it's about the group. The group. And as a group, Backstreet was great, amazing, also first. You know, I felt like they got robbed a little bit.

Like, those songs should have been some of their, I mean, the Instant Christmas album was incredible. Okay, right. I don't remember the Instant Christmas album. Are you serious? I don't know, Chewing. Christmas is not allowed. Happy holidays, new Christmas.

And, oh, Backstrap Boys Millennium, that album. I thought you were laughing the way I dance. I'm a Jewish person. We don't have a lot of rhythm. Okay. Q, like 17 emails from girls being like, I'm Jewish and I rhythm. It's just me.

I didn't even know that was a stereo type. But I'm good sex. So, like, I can move when the mood's right. I didn't know that was a stereotype. You love to dance to, like, Latin music. I love Spanish, like Latin rap music. Like, who's the Spanish rap? Like Ozuna is like one of my favorites.

And I think like Daddy Yankee, but a little cooler. Raina rips off his wedgers. She's got an Ozuna. Pitbull, I like a lot. I like Pitbull. And I don't speak Spanish, but I know all the words to all these songs. Wow. Yes.

You just like the rhythm. I do. I love it. And like everybody's getting in on the Spanish music. Like Drake just released some, it's called Mia. Oh, my God. That's so good. Anyways, that's the thing about me.

Don't speak Spanish. Know all the words to Latin rap. That's a fun fact. Anyways, back to you. And your backstreet, boy, sir. Will you introduce yourself, like, where you're from? How old are you? Totally.

I'm from a tiny town in Maine, Blue Hill, Maine, and then I'm 32. Okay. Yeah. The town's very, very, it's about 2,000 people. Oh, it's tiny. So what made you move here? So I moved to New York. First, I moved to Boston, which was good, because I think if I had moved from Blue

Hill to New York, I wouldn't have been able to hack it. Like, culture shock? It's just so intense. And I was lucky when I was a kid, I, like, traveled. I went away to. prep school for a little bit. Dislexic. I went to a school for dyslexia kids. Okay. I got kicked out. Yeah. Went back to the high school. You started to read the right way. Exactly. Yeah. I learned. I could read. You don't fit in here anymore. I wasn't eating crayons and

they were like, get out of here. It's the little things. I really wanted to go back home. So I like actually tried to get kicked out. Like I was like, I don't want to be here. I want to be my friends at home. So I was like, you know, campaigning to get kicked out. So you got in politics really early. Yeah, campaigning. Yeah, I really was. And they like wouldn't kick me out because they're like, we know you don't want to be here. Yeah, and they have a vibe for that. I think like, yeah, adults, no-and kids are just trying to go home early. Totally. So I did that. Then I went back to Maine and then I went to Boston. Then I started comedy in Boston. Then I went to grad school in New York. But I was just doing like open mics shows here and there in Boston. And then I came to New York for school. I went to the new school for media studies. Oh, awesome. And then when I graduated, I took a year off from any kind of entertainment stuff. Because I studied media.

So I was like, this is crazy. So I needed to give myself a chance to do something else. Okay. So I went back to Boston, got a job. And then I was like, but that year was like the best year of my life. I've never been to Boston. So the first time I'm going is our show in February. You're going to have so much fun.

I'm so excited. Are you guys going to get to like explore before? Yes. Because that's on the front end of this little mini tour we're doing. So we can go early. I can't believe you've never been to Boston before. I know. It's so weird. It's so close to here.

I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. We're going to be there in February, so I don't know how much outdoor exploring we're going to do. Right. It's, you're not going to be, like, hiking. You can just go to Newbury Street. I wouldn't do that when it was nice out, so. Right. I would rather have butt sex than go on a hike.

Amen. Like any debt, you two? I am totally into, I do, but sex is like my thing. That's like my specialty. Oh, it is. What I do two people? Giving it? I feel like that's what sets me apart as a lover.

Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. But we can get into it. Let's get into that now. Yeah, however you guys want to do it. I've had problems with it even. That people didn't want you to do it to them. Girls.

The thing, so I'm gay. Right, I'm like, by the way, I guess. Let's get to this. Sorry, so you are the first female gay guest that we've had on the show. And we, it's really important for us to, like, have people on the show that aren't, like, straight, single. White girl, heterosexual, heterosexual people. Even though there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it.

It was just a same, yeah. Other people exist. Oh, right, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were just searching for, like, who would be a really great person to, like, represent that. And so you're speaking for all female? For all lesbians.

So I'm actually not good at that because there's some that are so good at that. And, like, that's their thing. We want you to speak on your experience. Even when I go into meetings, like I'll use other, like, say, well, sometimes out here, I'm like, man, it's like the lesbian hunger games out here. Because there's all these lesbians popping up, butchy ones.

And if you notice, they're getting, I've noticed them because I've been trying to get more into fashion and, like, fitness recently. Because it's lesbian hunger games, they're getting bigger and butcher and frumpier. So I'm taking a left. I got my hair done platinum. I'm not going down like that. You're pretty feminine. I'm not, I'm the mean one.

I'm not going down in LL being catalog with those motherfuckers. So the second all those started popping up, I was like, I wish that would happen on our end. I wish all like the straight girls would start getting bigger and uglier. But that's their swag. Like, they're like, I don't know, that's like they're calling card. So I try to keep it, just try to be myself, but my best version of myself. What are you attracted to more? Like when you're like, my ideal person is what?

Or do you have an ideal person? You mean like what kind of girls do I hate? Yeah. Like really feminine ones. Like they have to be like the, like no hint of masculinity. Even the slightest hint would be repulsive to me. So do you want it to be somebody that you never would guess is gay? Of course.

Every time I have a girlfriend, people are like, that's a lesbian. Oh, okay, I see. Yeah. So if I can back up, at what age you come out? I came out to my mom when I was in college. Because when I was in high school, like, my social life was, like, my main focus. My parents had a pretty complicated divorce. My sister lived with my mom, and I lived with my dad, and my brother lived with his mom.

So it was, like, very complicated. And so, like, my social life was, like, my family. And so I was like, I don't want to come out. I actually was, I had like lots of boyfriends in high school. Oh, okay. Did you have a lot of blow jobs? Oh, you just got a lot of blow jobs. And I had sex as one guy.

Okay. Did you like it? I did not like it. Did you know at the time? Let me process by saying I have one of my best friends is a lesbian and she said that she used to sleep with guys growing up and she didn't like it, but she didn't understand why she didn't like it. Yeah.

She thought everybody felt like that. Did you understand why you didn't like it? I kind of didn't, I didn't think everyone felt like that because it was, I had had this, like, group of friends, these, like, four girls. And I was like, guys, let's wait until we're married to have sex. And they were like, mm. And then I was like, what about we wait to wear 18? Like, I think sex is really special.

Like, that's wait. You're just dreading it. You're trying to get everybody on this pact to, like, never do it. And virginity pack forever. Let's just wait for a 30. Why not? Die as virgins. And they were kind of like, hmm.

Like, I kind of want to have sex with my boyfriend. I was like, what? I know. He bullied out of her kids. You're not having sex. You're like those parents' dreams. I know. Everybody's like, be friends with Emma.

Yeah, I know. And my parents are super, like, open-minded. So my mom was like, when I had boyfriend, she's like, you should go on birth control. And I'd be like, why, that's fucking disgusting. Like, I'm not having sex. And she's like, you might get caught up in the heat of the moment and be like, there's no moment. Your mom's trying to get you to have sex pretty much. You don't know what's going to happen.

You never know. You might just, you want the heat of the moment. And then it just happens. You want to be sure. And I was like, there's no heat. There's no heat. There's no heat, mom. This is the first time ever, like, a parent is begging the child to get birth control.

That's what it was like. Yeah, she got me birth control. She got me condoms. And I was like, I'm not, I don't want to have sex. And she's like, you just don't know. And I was like, the whole world is just really committed to you having sex with guys. And you're just out here, one woman crusade. You've got to wait.

Mom, I should wait. Just like, it's the right thing to do. This is so funny. Because it was easy for me, but it was so easy for me not to. And my poor friend Margo was like, I really want to have sex. with my boyfriend. I was like, I really think we should wait. And then she did because, like, her poor boyfriend.

What a cost-law? I know you. That's crazy. What was his name? Because the only reason I would have boyfriends would be, it'd be my friend Margo would have a boyfriend. And then he, the boyfriend would have a friend. And it'd be like, well, date Emma. Totally.

And then I'd be like, ha. And then I would get blow jobs because I didn't want to have penis vagina sex. Right. And I didn't like blow jobs, but it didn't. it wasn't like the worst thing ever because I hear straight girls complain about blow jobs a lot. Not me.

Yeah. Love to do it. Hey, good for you. Why are, I always see straight girls make in front of men's penises is kind of weird. Like, ew, they're gross.

The balls are gross. I'm like, well, maybe you went the wrong guy. I just think, look, it's like any menu. I want them to be show. Yeah, and it's the context. It's like, you should like your partner's, like, I'd hope if I was straight, I'd be like, give me those balls.

Yeah, but you're not going to, like, every item on a menu. So, like, some people, we get a lot of emails from girls being like my boyfriend won't go down on me, but it's like, okay, well, he doesn't like that menu item, I don't know to tell you. Or he's afraid of it. Yeah.

PTSD from another vagina or they don't know what to do. Or never really learned how to do it. I mean, every guy that like I have talked to about blowjob said that like the best thing is what somebody seems like they're enjoying themselves. Totally. So like enthusiasm is the hottest thing. Totally. You're singing songs down there, high-fiving.

Totally. It's just, it's just, it's like, I always say blowjobs are for boyfriend. It's like I just really need to be interested in somebody to feel like I want to do that. But then I'm happy. to do it. Because you're, yeah, you want to make your partner feel good, but then also it's like, if they're showered. Well, that's definitely not too much to ask for.

I just can't get down with like, you've been out all day, you've been running around. I just can't get down there. I think that's a very, very fair bar. I'm not like a germaphoom, but something about it. I'm like, I just, yeah, guys are gross. People. I don't to tell you. People are, well, I like, I mean, when I always watch straight porn, like, I like

having the guy in the porn. So this is why I'm like, oh, I'm a little tricky for having, because I self-actualized with the guy. So when I'm like, I'm not the best, like, quote unquote, lesbian, like lesbian porn. Right. You're actualizing. Okay.

Big fan. Exactly. So I don't watch any lesbian porn. I like to, I like, because it's so unrealistic. And I like straight porn where it's like the girl's just getting pailed. Yeah. Can we go back to your virginity story? All right.

So you're blowing everybody in high school. Most likely to cock block. Your mom's shoving birth control down your throat. Everybody's begging you to have sex with dudes. And then what do you do? So. I just got really into church. No, I didn't.

I didn't do that. That would have been a smart of vision. You're a pastor. Yeah. That would have actually made a lot of sense. But what I did was I went to college, and then I came out, like, the third or fourth day of college. There was this girl. And I remember I had a friend in Maine who was like, Emma, don't.

There was one friend I told. And she was like, don't just, like, be with the first person that you meet that's gay. Because there's tons of gay people out there. And don't just, like, get excited and think there's only one. And then that was exactly. exactly what I did. So, like, second day of school, there was this girl. Now, I'm not into women like this, but even though I knew I didn't like that, I was like,

oh, I still am more into, this is the right thing. But she was like, really sporty. Okay. And she was like, you're gay. And I was like, oh, my God, no, I'm not, I'm bisexual. Oh, my God. Like, how could you say that? She sounds gentle.

Woof. And my friend, who was my roommate who became my friend, was this straight. girl, Maggie. And Maggie was like, you know, if you are gay, like, that's totally cool. She was like, you're not in a did it at all. And I was like, no. Like, I was like, I'm straight. Everyone just thinks I'm gay or bisexual, but I'm so comfortable with my sexuality. It doesn't bother me. And she's like, okay, whatever. And then I was like, did you really believe that? Not really. And then Angela. Yeah, good question. Thanks, guys. I didn't really believe it. I'm an excellent interviewer.

I didn't believe it. No, but I'm so curious if you would like trick yourself into being. Not really. Like, because I always had crushes on, like, Disney female characters, but I'm not attracted to straight women. So, like, I never had a crush, really because I wasn't around any feminine, like, feminine lesbian. Gotcha. Okay. Yes.

So, or by girls. Like, I've been with a lot of those. Okay. That's cool. That's usually the best fit. Sometimes I am sexual problems with lesbians because I like to be a man. I'm like, I'm the mean one. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And I like to, like, be in charge. Can we just go as dirty as we want? Yeah, we want to ask. Oh, yeah. I'm all into, like, gender role playing, like, stuff like that. So, like, I've been with lesbians before that are like, oh, I can't wait to, like, fuck your, fuck your pussy or something. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't like that term. That's my term. I don't like that term. Like, I'm like, that's a turn off for me. So I like, like, a bisexual girl or a lesbian who definitely has been with men. Oh, okay. Or, like, that's important. Okay, cool.

So the first girl, I keep almost saying her name. was like a sporty, you know? Very butch. Not very, you know the sport. Okay, so we were talking about terminology before. I don't know all the terms. I'd love to learn them. Maybe we could Google them.

Yeah, somebody can send us an email about it. Please do. But there's the sporty ones. A lot of times they have ponytails. They don't want to commit to cutting their hair short, so they just wear their ponytails in their head. I knew one of those in high school. Yeah.

Did you know gay kids in high school? I don't know that it was accepted. And we're all in our 30s, like early 30s. I didn't know any. I knew one kid that was gay and there was. There's just no way he could hide it. Today. Me too.

Today, I just think it's so prevalent in society and pop culture. People are so, and look, I come from like a Jewish upper middle class, East Coast kind of family that's easier to be open. Right. You know, I didn't come from like a Bible beating, like middle of the country. Right. Like, yeah. Bible beating. But, yeah, I just, I didn't know a lot of kids, but I don't know that it was even, like, accepted.

I didn't know that, like, you could be bisexual. I didn't know that, like, being a lesbian was, like, only for, you. for porn and porn barely existed back then to me. Yeah. Well, I've always thought about, like, what kind of women I feel like I'm attracted to. And it is, like, an athletic. Like, if I could paint the picture, it's, like, Gabby Reese.

But she's not, like, the volleyball player. Like, I find women that are, like, super athletic, but, like, also hot. Gabby Reese. I know who you're talking about. I don't know. I just think of her. She's, like, six feet tall. She's a pro volleyball player.

I mean, she's straight. Oh, wow. Physically. Right. Like, I think athletic is, like, my time. type or like just Rihanna. I know what you mean though, masculine energy. The girl that I knew growing up who was definitely gay.

I'm attracted to a little bit of that like masculine, like alpha energy. See, with Rihanna, like I've got one of my friends from me and Jennifer, I remember she was like, maybe I'm bisexual. Like there's this really pretty girl. She's just like so pretty. And I was like, do you just want her haircut? And she was like, I do just want her hair cut. And I was like, that's different.

She was like, I just love her hair. She talked about her hair before. She was like, you know what? I'm just going to go to a different salon or something. I was like, or sometimes I'll have straight friends who will have problems. with guys like, I just wish I was gay. I'm like, it doesn't work. It doesn't work like that.

You're going to pick? There's been times where I'm like, oh, it'd be so much easier. I wish I was straight. It'd be so much easier because me guys seem so much easier. I'm like, it's straightforward. Since I'm the man one in the relationship, I'm doing, I'm like always like wrong in the fights. I pay for everything.

Oh, yeah, but yet it gets all on me. So it's like, it'd be so easy to be with a guy. But if I was with a guy, it'd have to be a little gay guy and I'd be a big gay guy. We didn't get your full coming out story. So you just came out in college. So I came out in college. And my first I came out to my mom and we went to this silent meditation retreat. My mom had gone through chemo, but she was, she's fine now and she was like pretty like far

long in the recovery period of it. So we went to this yoga retreat in Western Mass called Kripalu and they had a silent lunch. And I had a girlfriend at that time. So me and the person just hooked up, the girl that was like, brought your girlfriend? The girl that was like, no, I didn't bring my girlfriend, but I had one. Okay, okay. And I feel like when you have someone that you like being with, and it's like you're more, it's more support to come out.

Right. So I was at this silent lunch with my mom, sitting across from each other and I was like, mom, she's like, silent lunch. She were like, I'm going to tell you so you can't say anything back to me. That's amazing. Wow. What a way to drop a bar. I hadn't really thought of it like that because that sounds so unfair to do.

No, it sounds amazing. felt safe. It sounds very cathartic, actually, where you like, because when you say that to a person, you don't necessarily want the reaction right back. You want them to digest it for a second. It's like somebody had email almost, but to their fate. Because like, I sent that info. And then she did, I said, since I've been at college and she was like, silent lunch.

And I was like, I have a girlfriend. And then she went, what? And then I was like, we can't talk right now. And then she's like, oh, my God. You're like, mom, silent lunch. Exactly. And so we just had to sit there in silence. And then afterwards, she was like, I'm surprised.

And I was like, how are you surprised? Like how are you surprised? And she's like, I don't know. I don't know. I just, I guess I'm surprised, but that's okay. And then for a while after that, she'd be like, are you, so you're sure? And then she'd be like even towards the end of college, like, do you think you'll date men after college?

And I'd be like, no. Like you think you'll change her mind? Right. And then I was like, no, no. And then that was it. So I really lucked out. And then my dad, I told this awful stepmom I had first. And then she told him, but she didn't tell me that she told him.

So I thought he didn't know for a while. Oh, God. And then he, yeah, that was shitty because she, like, took that away from us. Yes, of course. It's not her story to tell. She sucked. That's why I think I dated such high-maintenance, like, bitchy women for a while because I had all this, like, animosity towards this, like, step-mom.

Why are your step-mom's just awful? I have a great one now, though. Oh, you do? She's so nice. She's so nice. The last one. Okay. Good.

Yeah. I feel like there's just. just like this school that like second wives go through or they just like come, they go in like normal people and they're like stamped out all of their nicest. They come out horrible. But maybe the kids are shitty to them because I was kind of, no, she was a bitch.

Yeah, she was a bitch. It wasn't your fault. It was her. And she's, they're the adult, you know what I mean? It's their responsibility to create the relationship. It's fine. I'll talk about my parents. You have a stepmom too?

Yes. Every one of my friends that has a stepmom is she's just the worst. Really? Can confirm. Like, is posting racist memes on Facebook. You know what I mean? Like it's just there's no. My one is great. My one now was awesome. She's got like a great job. She likes my dad for all like the right reasons. She's cool.

She's the third wife though. The second wife is where they're really terrible probably. That's number four. Four. Okay, dad. Yeah, I know. In rural Maine, I'm like, how to, like, how do you even find that many people to marry? Is he on the apps? He was like, you want to date him? She's like, can I be number five? Call me mom, Emma. Oh my God. Could you imagine? Oh my God. He's happily married. now. I'll give a time. He's, uh...

Ashley, I'll be your mom. He's a math teacher in like pretty rural Maine though. And then he goes to the Bahamas in the winter. Okay. I can live like that. So those are his two like post steps. But he met the stepmom. My stepmom now was at school and then the other one.

I don't know. I think he met her maybe online. Yeah. Okay. So he did the apps thing. That's where my dad met his person too. Are they the same age? I think she's a couple years younger than him.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He did. He did? Yeah. He met her for him. Not J.

Swipe. J. date is your mom with someone new? Yeah, my mom, not new, they've been together for 25 years. Nice. But I'm super close to my whole family, so I'm very fortunate. But yeah, I mean, Ashley's parents are so different than mine

because they've been together for 40 years. And they're so married. Yeah. They're just like the anomaly. They really love each other. Does that put a lot of pressure on you? Yes, it's fine. Everybody's fucked up somehow from their parents. Like, for sure. In some way, big or small, and mine is just like the bar so high. Like, it's just like, how

can anyone ever, how is this even a real thing. Having them as parents, I'm still skeptical of how it can work. And I see it all the time. But that's kind of transitions into something we want to talk about because I think they're super happy. They love each other. They have a lot of separate interests, which I think keeps them happy. For sure. They do all this different stuff. My dad skis all the time. My mom doesn't give a shit about it. They have all these like separate hobbies and interests. But my mom will still say, she's like, I cannot believe men and women are supposed to go together. It is so fucked up. Because my mom is super into all her girlfriends.

She's super social, has a million different friend groups, and she's always been big on female friendships, and she's just like, men are so terrible. You know, like, she's like the way that they think. Straight women say that a lot. Yeah. Like my friend Robin was saying that too, because she was like, I can talk to you so much easier than,

I can talk to my female friends easier, not her boyfriend now, but her boyfriend at the time. But I was like, it's different. Like, I can talk to friends a lot of times easier than I can talk to my significant other also because it's like free reign. Totally. you're not trying to like ever impress them.

I think a relationship between two people or however many people if you're in an open one or whatever is just really hard. And then I wonder if it's different. If it's like two masculine women or two feminine women, then maybe they don't have this like a lot of similar problems. But I've been in tons of relationships where then the girls like you're just like a guy or you're worse than a guy. Yeah.

Like your communication skills? For sure. Okay. So let me post something to you. So we've had, we've been on a couple podcasts with doctors. We've had doctors on ours and every one of them has said sort of the same thing, which is that men and women chemically in their brain process, love, loss, regret, anger differently. Make decisions differently.

I think that's a broads, I think it's like, I think that there's probably like a whole spectrum. And then because there could be a guy, like a really effeminate guy that could have more in common with like more masculine woman than, you know what I mean? And then race, class, gender comes into how people process things. So I think it's so simplistic when someone's like, a man is different because like there's just like so many different layers. especially like race-class gender and stuff. Like someone's class privilege could affect the way they process. Like I grew up upper-class white, but I'm getting. And they're upbringing and like how traumatic was it or whatever.

Totally. And I also think just I guess the main difference I feel like with what men and women is just ego. Like I think just women have less ego. And like they're able to be a little more vulnerable so you're able to communicate a little bit better. And I think that's why some men just are like totally blocked off. And society encourages women to talk. It's more okay for women to be vulnerable, which is a huge one. Do you, are you like that?

Are you still more like on the masking side where you are more, a little more shut off? I mean, like I had this conversation with my girlfriend the other day where she was like, I don't feel like we're connecting. And I was like, oh, Jesus. Oh, we forgot to say this. You are in a relationship with somebody.

And I was like, I can't, like, we can't be connecting all the goddamn time. But like, me and her are better than like other people that I've been with with it. Like, this is something women would say a lot. They'd be like, I just can't tell what you're thinking. Like, I'm not thinking anything. Nothing. Okay, so you are. You are a man.

So you're right. Yeah. I'm like, surprise. What does it mean? Like, what do you mean? What am I thinking? Like, it's like, I'm not, I don't know. I'm not thinking.

And that's another problem. First of all, women always want to know what are you thinking. And then they get mad at me because then I'm not thinking. Other times, because I lose stuff lots. They're like, you're not thinking. Or I'll do something. And they're like, what are you thinking? I'm like, nothing.

I'm like, you never think. I'm like, fucken A. Well, I love that this, like, disproves the idea that, like, when women are like, oh, just date women are like, well, then they can edit dating you. They could end up dating you. Same things. Like, there's probably more highly emotional men out there than straight men, you know. I do need a guy that cried more than I did.

How did you feel about that? Well, Dr. Willman. It annoyed the shit out of me because I felt like every time I tried to have a feeling and I was upset about something, he would be five times more upset than me. Oh, he wouldn't let you feel. Yes. To feel anything. I dated a highly emotional guy. Yeah, well, we should stop dating pussies.

And they should let you, even if they're highly emotional, they should still like, be like, okay. now you... It was kind of like his shoe was always worse. You know what I mean? And I'm like, I'm going through stuff too. Right. Like, I'm allowed to exist in this relationship. Like, you're always the victim.

Right. And somebody's... I mean, I don't want to date anybody. It's always crying and upset. Like, I'm allowed to be here too. No one cries more than me. But like, a lot of... Ever.

Every day I have. It's more so, like, dog videos or something. Like, it's... Everything triggers me. Every movie I watch. It's not about my own life. I'm really, like, a strong person in my own life. if it's not like, I've never cried at work

or not that I've had real jobs, but it's not like that. It's just, I'm so triggered by everything and anything that I see. I think that means you're in touch with your emotions. Oh, I'm super. She's not like crying by herself. She gets, like, choked up. I'm really emotional.

My girlfriend now does that, I feel. That's what I was going to ask you, was she highly emotional? But the thing is, because she's an art therapist, she's so, like, therapists. So it's, like, she's, like, really good at that stuff. Like, she knows all the words, like, and she... Trick you. I'm just kidding.

If she wanted to, she could. I've been with ones where I do feel like they're tricking me, but she wouldn't trick. She's a good person, I'd know. And how did you guys meet? Tinder. Oh, tender, right, okay. Yeah.

Like, is there a top app that you feel like is better for? I don't know. Well, okay, so. For gay? For gay? Paul laughed. We got to. For the gay.

For the gay. You were wondering if I was going to light slide. It just came out of your mouth. I just, I couldn't. decide what to use. Because I didn't mean just... It's confusing. Gay and lesbian?

What do you... For homosexuals, are they better up for the gays? Well, whatever. You can say the man. Okay. For the gay. For gays. Is they're good at for the gay?

Which gay? The gay. There's some ambiguous gay. Randy, he's the gay. He's outside right now. Skipping around. That's the name of the episode. The gay.

We lose all of our listeners in one foul swoop. Nobody even listens to the episode. I remember... I never know. I think we're in a highly sensitive time, so I never want to be offensive. And so I'm not... There's a tightrope with that,

because you still need to be able to talk, and then how are you supposed to be corrected? Because when you say, like, when I'm talking about my guy, gay friends, like, you can say the gays, and they're like, that's fine. But people can also say that very derogatory. Totally.

It's all in your intention. Love my gays. I feel like is very different than like, the gays. 100%. And also, if you're not a part of a culture, like I'm Jewish, I make Jewish jokes. I don't think it's okay for other people to do it on.

Yeah, so it's always like a fine line of how do you. Anyway, so as a gay, excuse me. Is there apps that you enjoy? I don't know which are the best one. I like Tinder. I don't know. My straight friend asked me how Bumble worked for Lesbians. I don't know either.

I was on Bumble and I couldn't figure it out myself because the girl messages. So I don't know how it works on Bumble. Wait a minute. Right. She called me, she was at a bar and she'd been drinking. She's like, I have a question. And she's like, I don't know if this is in like in offensive. But how does Bumble work for lesbians?

And I was like, I don't know. And she was like, she does it now. And then I heard a bunch of people like, oh, okay. No, but she's a both message. Could be. But maybe you mark yourself like Emma is more masculine. So Emma's the man on Bumble. I wish, but that's so not politically correct that they wouldn't do that.

But I wish they would. I wish they would. Bumble developers. Let's do this. Let's get this out. I would like, because that would be, but Tinder, I liked Tinder. But I would do Tinder like a guy. I would just go, swip, swat, slap, slap, chit,

Of course you did. We're really getting a glimpse into I would be just like, just as fast as I can move my hand. And then I would see who I matched up with and then I'd be like, ugh. And then I combed through all that. And then if they looked all right,

then I would send a message. But I didn't have a good line. I wasn't getting messages back. What was your line for that? I wish I'd come on the show before I was in a relationship because are you guys good at that? Being in relationships? The line?

I'm reaching out to people online. I was bombing. I can't imagine somebody being like super good at it. It's a weird talent to have. I used to do what I would do bumble, I would just write you up at like 3 p.m. That's cute. I like to some humor to see if you get it.

If you don't get it, it's like we're not going to have a vibe. I'm curious in a lesbian relationship, or you personally, are you even, are you more of a guy in the terms of like, don't want to be, don't want to be committed, or you kind of dive right in. Like when you met this girl where you like, I really like her, I could picture her as my girlfriend

or were you hesitant and, well, that's like the stereotype of, like, all women is the U-Haul. I usually like to only, like, be dating someone if I think that it could develop into something. Okay. I would say, but, I mean, especially at this point, like, you got to be so careful with that. And, like, you know, your time and energy, like, I used to date a lot more for fun. Now I, like, don't really, like, date for fun. Like, it's like, I used to, or there are people now that I look back? I'm like, why would I, I used to date people I wouldn't have even been friends with.

just these, like, so high maintenance, insufferable people, no offense to any of them. Is there, like, a thing about them that you think attracted you to something like that? Yeah, I think some part of me thought that was, like, kind of hot. That somebody's a bitch, like hard to deal. Just like a fucking. But then I liked that, too, a little bit. Well, I guess if you really like the feminine and, like, the makeup and the, like, the people look like that, there kind of can go high maintenance can go hand in hand.

Someone being nice now is really, even with, like, friends now, like, I want, like, nice friends. life is like too hard and too short. Like you want like nice and like living in New York and making adult friends even. It's like you got to be really careful who you like have around. You want it to be reciprocal. Yeah. You know, so like that's important. So when you met this person were you like, oh, this is.

We went on a bunch of dates before. It took a couple months before we were like, let's try being girlfriends. Especially with like my schedule and stuff. And before that I was talking to someone. I was sleeping with someone for like a while. And then it seemed like we definitely weren't going to be in a relationship. and she was kind of shady, but then I was in a relationship for a while,

and I used to cheat. Oh. Yeah. On like one specific person? No, I stopped doing that. But then, there was a while where I would do that. One of my dad cheated on my mom, so I always, I don't know. But then I saw a therapist about it because I was like,

I got to stop doing this. I wouldn't even want to and I would just do it. Oh, you was like a thrill or something? Kind. I think it was just I was being a coward and like scared of intimacy. So instead of being fully present with something, someone, I would like make out with someone else a couple times. There'd be like overlap where it's like I'd be with someone and then I meet someone and then sleep with that person and then leave the other

person. But I was technically still with the other person. Gotcha. Okay. I don't know. I think that as we grow up, we just become better people sometimes. Yeah. And the consequences of our actions become like, I did some shitty things. And I was 19, 20. I did shitty things last week too. But I feel like the consequences of our action become greater. I completely agree. I just, yeah, I think about stuff I did in my 12. I think about stuff I did in my I was like, I would never do that. Never. That's like dating someone younger.

I was like, I'm not going to even hold you. Some of those things are really inconsidering wrong, but you're 23. I did that when I was 23. Yeah, I did all those things. Yeah. I just think that like, you know, like cheating, it's like, I don't know, when you hook up with somebody today, like you, a lot of people are in very serious long-term relationships today. When you're 22, you're not necessary.

Who are you dating? Some people, I guess, get married at that age, but. True. Child brides. Child brides. True. But I'm just saying, we become better people. Totally.

Oh my God, absolutely. And I feel like your relationship with someone else is kind of indicative of your relationship with yourself. So now, like I remember I was talking to someone, it was a friend who was seeing a good therapist. So I wasn't seeing therapist, but I was getting all this secondhand. I love that. You don't have to pay for it.

Yeah. Great. And he was like, where's your self-respect? Like, why are you putting up with this woman? Like, where's your self-respect? And I was like, you're right. Yeah. Where is my self-respect?

Where is it? Like, I was like, why am I putting up with this? because I had this girl, my ex-girlfriend was, like, living with me, and, like, she wouldn't move out. And I was like, it's okay, you know, I'm gone a lot, she's stressed out. And they went on for, like, six months, and then he was like, kick her out. Right. And I just kept not doing it because I felt bad. I was a pushover.

Right. But you were getting a cycle. I feel for people to get in these cycles and that you just don't know how to break them. Yeah. The devil that you know is, like, so much better than the devil that you don't know. And, like, she's there, but, like, you know her. Is that an original thing you just came up with? Because that's, like, a good.

The devil that you know? No, I wish. Oh, yeah, that was like, that's like a... Do I sound smart? Yeah, that's like a profound statement. Thank you. No, well, my mom's a therapist, but she didn't come up with it either. Like somebody...

Oprah? Probably Oprah. Because that's like a good one. Oprah and Gail. Oprah and Gail. Or Beyonce. Beyonce, for sure. Probably. What is the quote?

The devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't know. You think it's better. Oh, okay. Like, you will stay in a relationship that's shitty because you know that relationship it's comfortable versus going back out into the wild, and, like, facing what you have no ideas out there. Yeah.

You know? So the devil you know is, like, bad, you've never heard that before either? No, I... All right, well, then I came up with it. Oh, yeah. It's an arena original. Because, but you think it is. But really, there could be not devils out there.

Well, the reality is that... Oh, yeah. You'd be by yourself. 100%. But, I mean, I don't know. You never know, like, if people can, like, guilt you into weird stuff. Like, I had, I broke up with somebody and he was still living in my apartment

because he was, like, you know, and always the victim type of person. Totally. was just like, you can't put me out on the streets. It's like, oh my God. You're right. I pay the rent. Get out. Totally. And then, yeah, and there's like a million mind games. And then when you're like living with it and you also care about the person, it's like a whole like cluster fuck. So it's tough. So you grew up and became a better person. Yeah, trying. That's a process. I mean, it's always a process. At least you're focused on it. So what do we, can we talk about some

sex stuff? Yeah. Please ask me anything. I love that you were just like, I want to talk about sex. Yeah, I'm always, I feel comfortable. I can only represent myself. Okay, what is a common misconception about all lesbian sex since you're representing all of them? Well, see, because sometimes when I talk about things, people are like, oh my God, I can't believe if I'm like lesbians do that. I can always speak for myself, I can always speak for myself.

I'm just teething. Because also, like, I'm like very open-minded. Okay. I don't quite know the other way to put that. Right, yeah. You know. Good, that's healthy. Like, I mean.

Maybe you'll help some, any lesbians listening and become more up-minded. Yeah. Or it's also okay to not be open-minded. Oh, maybe. not be okay. Well, I think that's fine. Okay, we get this question a lot from girls. We're going to do it on a separate episode, but that question is my boyfriend wants to start having threysms, and I'm not comfortable with it. And am I not open-minded? What's wrong with me? I don't want, and I always, I feel for those people because, like, the person you love is guilting you into something. And

that's not about not being open-minded to me. And like you said, then that it's fine. I completely agree. That's not about not being open-minded. That's about, like, your comfort and your relationship. I like using sex toys. Like, I used, like, I had this interview that I thought was so funny. It was at the South Beach Comedy Festival in Miami and the guy interviewing me before the show was like trying to ask a question he was so nervous about it. He was trying to ask if I was gay but he, I couldn't

tell what he was trying to ask until he said this. He goes, he was like, so we did the comedy questions about the show and then all of a sudden he was like, so we wouldn't work. There's um, so I take it you're not like, you're not like heavy into the dick. And I went. That's what he went with? What? And he was like, I mean, you're not

like, you don't sleep with guys? And I was like, he really struggle to find the words that's what he came up with, the dick. You didn't have you into the dick. But, you know, I say awkward stuff. My pickup line on Tinder that was bombing and not getting rejections was I was out right, hey, how you doing? Hey, how's it going? Apparently, so I'm, I've, what's wrong with us? I don't know. Women didn't respond. Well, it's not a conversation starter. We had the founder of Hinge on our show and he said something really interesting. Do you know Hinge is set up? No. So they asked, it's great for comedians. Really? It is. Instead of writing a profile, it just asks like four or five questions.

You pick the questions. Like prompts and you answer. Oh, that's cool. The best stuff is stuff that like opens up a conversation. So right. And you comment on what somebody wrote. So it's like where to find me at the party. And in the summer mine was like by the AC unit.

And so like people would like guys would like that or they'd respond to that or whatever it is. It just, yeah, the conversation's already started for you. Yeah. It gives you something to go off. Yeah. What's up to me is just like, I don't know what's up with you. Right. Nothing.

Yeah. I know. Podcasting. And yeah, and you write that and they're like, oh, you're a comedian. That's not even funny. They like expect you to have some witty opener. And you're like, sorry, forget it. Yeah, it didn't work.

So, I want to ask this. When you hear two girls say they had sex, what does it mean? It probably would depend on. If I'm just the worst? No, I mean, it would depend on like what it would be for. Wait, there was something I didn't answer when I said that I, about the Tinder. You were talking about the guy who asked you if you were in the day. And then I told him, I was like, no, I love like, like, like, like,

Like, I love using strap-ons, like, sex. Like, if a girl doesn't want to get, like, fuck with a strap-on, that's, like, kind of a problem for me. Wow, you really came back with a wild answer for him. I was like, I love, like... I picture him, like, knocking over his coffee. Like, he's, like, all flustered. And I was, like... It's totally cool.

Like, I'm totally pro-peness. Like, I'm totally pro. As long as you're wearing it. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, I have been with... I was with one girlfriend that used it on me, but it just didn't... It was fun, but that was, like... Have you ever had, like, a fight?

Like, I get to wear the strap on or... The girls I like are so feminine. It's like not even... Oh, true, true, true. Okay. I mean, I was with one a while ago that was a little more topy, and she was super feminine. Like, so... She was like high femme, but she was more topy and that was weird.

Okay. Oh, okay. Like, I remember us walking on the street and we, like, went to kiss, and she, like, she was way taller than me. She, like, spun me around and, like, put my back up against the wall, and I was like, what the fuck? And then I, like, went with it and was like, okay, okay, like, this is cool, but it was fucking.

weird. She'd always like open doors for me and stuff. It was fine. It's funny that you, weird. I guess it's not funny, but you have this masculine energy that you and you like to kind of be the guy, but you're, what was she doing? But you're also really small. I know, I am. So it's kind of like, you're trying to like press this six footer up against this wall. Like, it just feels a little. And you're five foot three. But I've dated a lot taller women. That's what's funny to me. Like, you're like, no. I'm going to pick you up. Well, and then they'd be like, sit down, little, little one. You're like, I only date models, actually.

Five foot ten. Wait, so my question, if you hear two women be like, we had sex, what do you think? I'd either think they, like, went down to each other, fucked their hands, sex toys. Okay. It can be like any type of thing, you know, that would involve some, like, major line crossing. That's what I would say it is. I don't know. I wish I knew how more lesbians have.

I feel like a lot of lesbians aren't doing butt stuff, though, I'll tell you that. because a lot of people aren't as, I mean, maybe some of them are, but a lot of times, like, when I kind of like push for that, my trick used to be that I would always want the girl to think it was her idea, the butt stuff. Yeah. So I'd always be, like, doing stuff

where then, like, if they would kind of, like, back into it, then I would, like, kind of slowly, like, do certain, like, things that would then entice that curiosity. Yeah. And then I'd go for it. I think sex is, like, a wonderful, fun, just, like, roller coaster of things. It's just a wonderland.

And, like, whatever you want to play with, I think you should play with. Oh, okay, right. I do. And I think men have a G-spot in their butt. I know, that's so interesting. So, like, it's much more prevalent with men because they have, what are they, it's not a, I guess, a G-spot.

A Chatoris. That's funny. I never heard that before. That took me a second. Chatoris is funny. So you mentioned earlier the bisexual thing. So are you, if you're dating somebody that is in terms of, men and women. Are you ever a little worried because they have just way more people to like.

No, I find that bisexual is like a real bisexual usually leans a little bit one way or the other. They'll be like, okay, like I can sleep with women, but I really only like to be in relationship with men. Or I can like have sex with men sometimes, but I really only can romantically be in a relationship with a woman. So usually they lean a little bit. And bisexuals are usually actually really picky because, and I hadn't thought of this until I had known some and then been with some. They, what, like, I remember this girl I was with, I remember, she said she was like, people always like, oh, you're bisexual. Why wouldn't you just date a feminine guy? She's like, that's the last thing I would be attracted to. Right.

She's like, I like masculine men or masculine women. Like, so a feminine guy would be the worst of all the worlds. Yeah, yeah. Which was interesting. And I was, because I could see why someone would be like, why wouldn't you just date a, that would be the best of the world. But it doesn't work like that. And she was like, she was very, very picky. Bisexuals seem like they're usually like, the ones I met are actually pretty picky.

But if you like a strong. person, you're not going to be like, well, I'll pick the stronger sex, just a weaker version of that. That's not a thing, you know? Right. And would you, let's say it's somebody like one of us, you know, we've always dated men, you know, that's just been one we've done. And then it's our first foray into, like, dating a woman or hooking up with a woman. Does that turn you off at all?

I don't love it. Right. Because it's like, as you get older, it's also, it's a lot on both people, like, because it's like, all of a sudden it's a lot of feelings for the person who's having this new experience and then it's a lot. It just can be a lot. And then if someone's not, like when I was with the person, if someone that isn't in the closet at work,

that's totally different. But if, because I was with this person that were like pretty high up at this conservative hedge fund, so she's in the closet at work, but out other places. And then this other person, I think, was in the closet because she was uncomfortable with her sexuality. That was tough. Because I was like, totally.

And she would, she would always tell me all her friends knew that she was, we lived together. And then I would find out. her friends didn't know, and that was really, like, humiliating. Because I'd be like, wait a minute. And she, like, wanted to get married. Like, she was pushing for everything.

And then I was like, you shouldn't be in a relationship, we shouldn't be in a relationship if you're not comfortable enough to tell your close friends about it, who her friends were like fucking cool New Yorkers. Right. One of her friends, I remember saying, she told me the friend knew. So I told a friend, I was like, I'm going to start writing about being in a secret relationship. She was like, who are you in a secret relationship with?

And I was like, your friend. Right. And it happened because I was like, I'm not hanging out with your friend. doesn't know we're in a relationship because I don't want to lie to her. Yeah, you're living a lie. And I was like, I'm fine keeping it, like, pretend. But if her friend wanted to come to shows with me, her friend was a comedy writer.

So me and her friend would, like, go get dinner and go to shows. And I, the whole time thought that she knew we were in a relationship. And then her friend was like, I can't believe she didn't tell me. Right, well, now you're a liar or you're an accomplice. And that's also shitty. Yeah, and she was like, that's insane. She's like, I'd always ask her who she was dating. She wouldn't tell me anything.

And then she was like, one of my best friends is gay. She was like, why would she not, what, this is baffling? Yeah, exactly. I think relationships are hard enough. Without dealing with the fact that somebody can't accept who they are, anybody can't accept who they are and what their polite in life is, whether they're gay or they're just failing at their job or like whatever. It's just like a whole other terrible element to deal with.

And I was like, there's plenty of things I'm willing to open, like, feeling like bad about, but that's not one of them. Like we got to, that I can't be like caught up in. So I think it would really, really, really, really, really depend on the person and where they're at. Yeah. I would say. Okay.

So every week we pick a game. This week we are doing our favorite games called Is This Weird? Basically, the way that the game started, we always explained to everybody. This girl sent us this email. The title was, Is This Weird? And it was about how she's dating some guy that takes morning baths every morning. Interesting. Weirdo.

Fucking weirdo. Interesting. Gets up, takes a bath. She said he was sitting there with a half chub every morning while she's like brushing her teeth. And we thought this was so funny. So we asked people to send us emails. I love a bath. Do you like a bath?

I love a bath. Every morning is a lot And not in the morning You don't do baths in the morning? No, I like an evening bath with some alcohol I like to be alcohol in the bath. You guys should get a bath tub together sponsor

Like a bath tub Like some suds What's it called? Bat bubbles Bubble baths Yeah, bubble bath Lush Yeah, they should sponsor you guys

We have some baths sponsors I don't care about that I don't care of a baths. I don't care I love a baths, I love a baths I don't even know the last time I took a bath. I'll, like, check out of a hotel room if there's not a bathtub in my room.

You're just to get me the fuck out of here. I want to drown, hypothetically, in every room. Yeah, like a huge steaming hot bath. Yes. I want alcohol and I want a bathtub. It's essential. Or I'm just breaking everything. I get it.

So, we pulled a couple. Okay. This is a really sort of cringy one, but I want to open with it because I thought it was weird. Hey, ladies, I've never told anyone this story because I was so embarrassed. But hearing all these is this weird story has made me realize I'm not the only one who's dealt with an interesting situation. I've been messaging this super cute guy from the same university. We ended up going out. Soon after, we went home. We started having sex and he went out of condom. We began to have sex again. I was riding him and all of a sudden he yells, get off me, hurry,

all caps. And of course, I freak out. I hop off super fast and that's when it happened. He jumped. He jumps off the bed, rips off the condom, and in all caps, came all over his wall. Like it wasn't accidental. He aimed at the wall and blew a load all over it. A wall that had pictures of his family and friends hanging on it. Oh, my God. There's like a senior picture. It was like his little cousin.

His communion photos. Yeah, like that cousin. parents wedding photo. Blows a load on it. I'm in shock. My jaw dropped. Then it got worse. Jesus Christ.

Also, he's an inconsiderate lover. Get off me. She's like fires a load at the wall. Like a gun. Also, anytime someone says hurry, like something's not going well. Hurry. Get on me, hurry. You're going to get it, Wall.

It's not even like I'm going to come. Even I'm going to come on the wall would be better than... I'm going to give it to this wall right now. I'm just being my pants. I'm about some... I'm about to come on the wall. I've got to come on my mom's face on this wall. Then it got worse.

He pulls the pillowcase off of his pillow, wipes the come off the wall, puts the pillow case back on the pillow and lies on it like nothing happened. Jesus. What? This memory will forever scar me, but I just want to know, is this weird? I, sweetie. She's in the hall of fame. Yeah.

Right. Is that a trick one, do you think? I believe it. I want it. I really, I feel like you can, I believe it. Reading something, you can tell if it feels fake or not, I don't, I think it's real. I mean, like, who would, what kind of deranged person would come up with that? True.

I don't know. There's people that law and order SVU episodes all day every day. What the fuck is wrong with those people? Oh, it's my favorite show. Dad started me on that show when I was five. So good. I was fucked up as a kid. Wow, five is...

My parents got divorced when I was really little. And so, like, my dad was like, what do I do? This is, like, kid. I guess I'll sit her in front of a rape television show all day. I mean, I saw the thriller video too soon when I was a kid. It's scarred me for life. I didn't see that until later years. It's scary.

Yep, me too young. Beetlejuice I was a little too young for, but I loved it. My favorite movie when I was kid. You'd have your brain. Anyways, is this weird? Yeah, it's fucking weird. That's so crazy. What's the weirdest part?

I think coming on his mom's face is the weirdest part. Putting it back on the pillow is fucking... No, the weirdest part, I would say, is that he didn't say anything. Not saying anything is... When we do these, Mike, I have to know why. Like, I couldn't... I would never be able to let go of not needing to know why this guy has to come on the wall.

Right. I would be like... Maybe his first girlfriend had him do it. Like, she was like, I like it when you do that. When you come on the wall? I think maybe he just, like, has a fear of finishing in somebody no matter what, if there's a condom on or not. But to say, hurry.

Well, he was about to come. Right. But to get off the bed. I've never had somebody, like, leap off the bed. You know, like, rip it off and then just, like, spooge on a wall. Like, maybe he was just in front of the wall, so that's where it went. He could have come in the pillow. That's what I'm saying.

If he's going to use the pillow case anyway, just come on the pillowcase. Or, you know what I mean? The condoms still? Like, he had a whole process. Maybe just come in the condoms. Some people don't like coming in a condom. That's right. He ripped the condom off.

Rips the condom off. So we could come on the wall. This is so wild. And then slept on the, we should have saved this for a live show. I really ruined this. That guy definitely bays in the morning. He needs to bathe at night too, it sounds like. Yeah.

I mean, this is fun crazy. Okay, so yes, it's weird. Yeah, that she had the strength to email us, though. Yeah. How, that's extremely open-minded to even ask if it's weird. She probably really needed to share, and I'm glad you did. Yeah, I'm glad to. Okay, the next one.

I don't know how you follow that. I know. I know. I should have wrapped the show. It's going to seem weird. Someone can say, something really weird now and be like, sounds normal compared to this guy.

This one's fucking stupid. I was going to say. Okay, so this isn't a normal, is this weird question? It's not about a guy I'm dating or anything, but the question is about two of my best girlfriends. I was over at their house the other night pre-gaming before having a big girl's night out, and of course, naturally we start talking about dick.

We come across the topic of masturbating, and then they reveal to me that their vibrator of choice is actually a toothbrush. A vibrating toothbrush, I spit my drink out and could not help the outflow of laughter the game afterwards. They had to be joking. Nope, completely serious that they literally

use vibrating toothbrushes to masturbate. Is this weird? That is not what Asana cares for. No. Like it's not. But the Hitachi vibrator, the one they always use in the porn, do you know what I'm talking about?

It's like in all the porn, it's like the white one. They're always made in Japan. Tomoguchi. Mine's called the Tomoguchi. Wait, really? I thought of Tomoguchi is a little toy. Maybe I use it a vibrator.

I don't know. I think a Tamaguchi is a little toy. It's for kids. Maybe I use that to vibrate. To vibrate. Are you sure it's called Tomaguchi? No, it's called like the Tomicichi 3,000 or something. Yeah. Tomoguchi is like the little thing you keep alive that beats.

Tomaguchi. And you would have a little animal in there or something. Yeah. Whatever. Now I don't even remember what the name of the vibrator is. I can't. I just think that's not enough surface space. Like the bristles on Asanacare is not enough to really get really anything done.

They probably hold the base. They're not, you think the toothbrush? Oh my God. You're like brushing your clit. With a toothbrush, do you know how bad that would hurt? They probably use the other, like they probably use the base of it. Just pressing on a thing. Oh, I see, I see.

There's two heads of a toothbrush and you thought it was the bristle end? What? We've got a long day. I'd take it back. Maybe they're into some really freaky rough shit. That just sounds really uncomfortable. Because I don't know what. Like sandpaper your clip.

Very few women masturbate by like putting something inside themselves. Right, no. So they're not doing that. Right. Okay, yeah, so the base. You guys mean the base of the toothbrush? Extra clean vagina. Toothbrush your pussy?

Okay. As the favorite vibrator, that's a lot. Yeah. Right, and are they sharing it? It's interesting. I mean, these girls... If they're sharing it, that's weird. That is super weird.

Yeah, I mean, and also, I don't know, maybe they're just, like, low on cash. Right. They're like, I got to double up. Right. You know, you've got to pull double duty with the sonic hair. I almost say not weird then. Do your thing.

I mean, I guess the bristles is weird. Some people are weird. That would be weird. That would be weird. That would be, that's like some kind of German sex toy that's like... Yeah, like you brush your teeth and then just go straight down there with it. Right, the Annihilator. That would be like...

A fucking new vibrator idea. We keep saying when I start a lot of sex toys. The Annihilator. The Brussels. Okay. Well, that is a perfect time. We're going to wrap up. But plug, you were doing a show right now.

Plug all your things. I keep all of my tour dates at emmacomedy.com. I've got two podcasts that are also on my website. and I'll be in Colbert again at the end of this month. Oh, awesome. Yeah, I'm scared to see the set. There's something so weird about stand-up where it's like, you do it, but then I'm like, I don't want anyone to see it.

Like, even when I did the Netflix thing, I was like, I don't want anyone to actually see it. Don't go watch. Which is so weird. Don't go watch I'm on Netflix. But then I'm also on the upcoming season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on the CW. Cool. And then when does that?

That's airing now and my character is like popping up. Do you guys ever seen that show? No. It's fun. It's like a, oh, I hadn't seen it. either. It's a musical. A lot of the jokes are very Jewish cultured. Okay. Okay. All right, well, you guys have a lot of stuff to check out. She's a very dynamic. Emma Comedy. Yeah, you're like 10 podcasts. You're on Colbert.

You got Netflix. You got the shows. The podcast is... You seem to me to give a lot of energy. You know, I was... No, I just stopped recently. That's it. Your skin looks great. Thanks. I'm going on Accutane, actually. Oh, I wouldn't think that. I just met you look like glowing. My skin was all fucked up. And then I went on... I thought I had this, like, I was going on acutane, then I realized I'm allergic to all this stuff. So I started not eating a bunch of shit. That'll do it too.

All right. So all we'll do is diet and not drink and we'll be fine. Is it worth it? I mean, I'm never going to do it. I don't know. Guys, anyways, you can find us on Girls Gottyup Podcast.com for merchandise for the shows. That we announced. All the shows, check out tickets on our website.

We are so excited to see you there. Let's sell out all these shows in 24 hours. Tell your friends. Shop the holiday gear. deadlines are coming soon, so get that for all your holiday parties, and subscribe, rate and review, and come see us in all these cities. Go to the Boston show. Go to all the live shows, but if you're in Boston, that venue, Laugh Boston is so fun.

Name drop and the women. Well, if you're around, you can come. You can come. You want to open the show? Let me know what the date is. I might be in L.A. in February, but I love Boston. It's just great. Laugh Boston is so much fun.

All right. We'll be in L.A. in January, too. So, yeah, sweet. All right, guys, have a great week. Thank you to Emma. That's our show. Bye. Bye.