Girls Gotta Eat - Help, I'm Having Doubts About My Partner!

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

It's just us this week and we're breaking down a listener email about the relatable crisis of having doubts about your long-term partner. We discuss so many aspects of relationships and marriages -- marrying young (and what IS the optimal age to say I Do), not growing in the same direction as your partner, when your life is perfect on paper but you're unsettled, feeling like your partner isn't challenging or exciting enough, and even catching feelings for someone else. We also discuss the fear of the fallout after a breakup – friends, family, pets, a shared home, etc. – and how to navigate these tough decisions. Before we get into the topic, we're discussing where couples are supposed to sit (and not sit) on planes, Ashley shares a crazy story from a recent show, and Rayna has been having too much fun bossing a man around. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for live show tickets and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Function: Our first 1000 listeners get a $100 credit toward your membership at https://functionhealth.com/GGE or use code GGE100. Better Help: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/gge. Skims: Get our favorite bras and underwear at https://skims.com/gge. Saks Fifth Avenue: Head to Saks Fifth Avenue or saks.com for inspiring ways to elevate your personal style. Rocket Money: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions at https://rocketmoney.com/gge Helix: Get 25% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This whole, quote unquote, perfect life is an illusion if you're not happy within it. You know, everybody else in the world can say to you, it's hard out there, it's tough. You found a good person, hang on to it. None of those people have to live your life for the next 40 years. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat.

Just us today. It's a lot to celebrate. It's your special shooting week. And I'm adding the tour. I can't believe it. It's a big week. Yeah. I, while we're here, just this is the last week of my tour.

And I'm just having so many feelings about it. And I can get into it after we should thank our partner. We can't. I have a thing. It's a big week. I have a thing to say. Okay. All right.

Well, we'll thank our partners. Don't cry yet. Okay. I'm going to try to keep it in the box. It's a tough time. Okay. It's all going on. As soon as surgery.

If you used to cry, go outside. I'll thank our partners. Let me go next door. walk into the Mago Wolf of Wall Street office to start bursting into your can some can a man help me that'll snap you out of it I ran Jeremy all around the city for me yesterday speaking of can a man help me we walked into Whole Foods I was like get the cart get the cart and he just followed me and I was like you don't need to come down this aisle I'm just getting a bag of chips you don't need to follow me to I was I love him so much but I was like this

is so fun and then I made him like take everything out of the cart and I made him carry all the bags so funny rain is just really getting off on bossing a man around And then... You better get out of your system with him. Because you get a boyfriend. You can start boss around. Just because you've been feeling the edge. You got to treat them right.

I made him go to the gas station with me and fill up all my tires while I sat in the car. Not the air of the tires. He did all my tires. And I, okay, so I wanted to ask you, do you think... Okay, so him and I were, like, walking around, he had to push the cart, right? And I was just, like, putting stuff in the car and we were walking around. Like, I don't ever see, like, a woman pushing the car when there's, like, a couple. It's usually, like, the man.

At the grocery store. store? Yeah. Okay. Do you think it's performative for other men? Do you think that they're just like, I am such a bitch if I let her push the cart? Oh my God. Well, let me ask, well, I'll tell you other option because I asked, we rarely have a cart. Like, we don't have a family. We live by old foods. We go get our stuff. We shop local at the farmer's market. When are we getting a car? I think he and I've gotten a cart once and I like to push the cart. He sits in the front. He's like a little like his legs dangle. I push him around. No, I'm kidding. he sits in the cart and you guys just make out while you push him around yeah we fuck in the

cart no you're right i don't think i've gotten a cart since thanksgiving last year when i cook thanksgiving dinner but yeah i just i had a man with me and i was just like you got to do this and there was a bunch of stuff i wanted i i get giant jugs of ice coffee and i buy like six at a time yeah so i just have you got it the cart yeah i don't know how to answer that i don't with my options for you okay do you think it's performative for other men because other man would be like he's such a bitch or I asked another man yesterday. I was like, what if you just saw a woman pushing a cart and a man just was just like meandering? He was like, I would think that guy has got it figured out.

I never thought of the cart as gendered responsibility. Yeah. Also, we're usually at the grocery store with the Zool. We walk him over there. So someone's got a, if we have a cart, someone's got the cart, someone's got the dog. Also, someone's going around getting stuff. So I'm the one that goes around and get stuff. Yeah.

So I'm not the cart pusher. Yeah. Maybe he is pushing the car while I get stuff. That's, I think, more like it being gendered. Like I was like, obviously it was my little shopping trip. But like, yeah, I want to be like bopping around and stuff. Okay. Well, let's thank our partners.

You guys let us know. All right. You're surprised. Your card habits. Okay. Thank you to function. Our first 1,000 listeners, get a $100 credit towards your membership at functionhealth.com or use the code GGE 100 and BetterHelp.

Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash GGE and skims. Get our favorite pros and underwear at skims. dot com slash gge and thank you to sacks fifth avenue head to sacks fifth avenue or sacks dot com for inspiring ways to elevate your personal style and rocket money cancel your unwanted subscriptions at rocket money dot com slash gge and thank you to helix get 25% off at helix sleep.com slash gge okay so a couple things i added a minneapolis show just i felt like it had to be done people were in the DMs. So I am going to be in Minneapolis. If you guys are listening on the Monday tomorrow, I added a 9 p.m. show. So come out, 9 p.m. on a Tuesday. I'm sorry, it's not the most ideal

time, but I promise you'll have an amazing time. And, you know, maybe it'll be a little sleepy on Wednesday, but it'll be worth it. Whatever. It's going to be so fun. And I just can't wait to see you guys. The first show sold out, honestly, before I really even could announce it on the podcast. I just had announced it on my personal Instagram. So I wanted to add that. And I will be there. at Acme Comedy Club. You guys can get those tickets. Ash has.com is my website. And then head to New York. And I am shooting my special on Saturday, this Saturday, October 11th, two shows. The first is sold out. The second is not as of now. I highly recommend coming. Everyone will be there. Raina will be there. My fiancee, my whole family. And it's just, it's the huge moment in my life. I have

worked so hard towards this. I'm so proud of it. I can't wait to show you guys what I'm wearing when I figured out myself. It's been a journey. It's been such a journey. I don't know yet. So we'll see. It's I just, I can't even, I don't want to get stressed while I'm speaking about it. So you guys can get tickets and I'll see you there. And I just, I don't know what else to say besides this is it. It's really happening. And I will wrap the tour the following night in Boston at the Wilbur, the grand finale. That is where I met my fiance. Obviously, this is the Sex Before Marriage Tour. It's a real full circle moment. I met him at the Wilbur where I'm doing the show and we love Boston, of course. And so it only felt right to end it there. And I feel so emotional

about it because this has been such an incredible time in my life doing these shows, going to all these cities, seeing you all in the audience, of course, reconnecting with friends on the road and doing this material that I feel so proud of and just being in these rooms and laughing with you all during such a hard time in this country. And when I was planning this tour, I was like, shit is hitting the fan. I don't know what 2025 is going to look like. I started thinking about it, planning it at the end of 2024. Yeah, end of 2024. I pulled the trigger on it, started thinking about dates, working with Andrew, our agent, and then obviously first of the year, it all started to really come together. And I mean, it has been such a horrific year in so many ways.

And I remember when I did my tour in 2022, and right after I wrapped like the summer run, and then I picked it back up in the fall, I was in D.C. and I had just done my shows there. And that's when they overturned Roe v. Wade. And I couldn't believe it. I mean, I remember where I was. we all remember where we were like we couldn't believe this happened this was so disturbing and i remember thinking like i'm so glad my shows are over because i don't know how i would have gotten on stage feeling like this and to be up there and telling jokes and so i just remembered that feeling and was like am i really going to do a tour in 2025 like what is going to happen every day it's something terrifying and alarming and this country is plunging into this authoritarianism literally

like how what is going to happen what's going to happen with women and immigrants and all these things and every day it's a new nightmare and i'm supposed to get on stage and make people laugh and i i did it i remember being in pasadena which is right down the street when the ice raids were happening here in l.a they're still happening obviously but state of emergency here yeah when it was just like really it's such a big deal happening here in l. And I was like, all day, I'm upset. I'm crying. I'm like, what can we do? And I have to go tell jokes. And I said this before that this was the thing I want to do in these times is be together

with mostly like-minded people that feel the same way that just want an escape from what's happening, even for just an hour or two. And to feel like we're all in this together and we can all be in a room and laugh during these dark times. And that has meant the world. And there have been days that I am like, I can't. believe what's happening. I don't recognize this country. I'm so mad. I'm so sad. And I have to go tell jokes. And that's what I did. And I'm so glad that I did. And it's just like I look back on

2022 like, ha ha ha. Oh my God. That was that was terrible. But like literally, we still had a democracy then. You know what I mean? And like look at us now in 2025. And to do a comedy tour during all this. My point is like it's just felt a little disjointed at times, but also meaningful in the best way and cathartic. I mean, I'm proud of you. I love you. And I'll, I'm going to save some of my comments about your tour and all this for next week after I watch you film the special. So I will, I'll hold my comments to that. But, you know, I think everybody just feels like, what can I do? And I think that if what you can provide to the world is some escapism, I think there's some real value in that. And I think it sometimes feels silly to be like, my wedding. He-he-he-he-he. Or

these dates I went on. And I'm not pulling your comedy down to that. But it feels maybe a little bit silly or not heavy enough, you know, because of what's happening in the world. But if what you can provide to the world is just an hour escape from what is happening in the world, then like, then you've done your job. You've made people smile and laugh. And I know people come here every week and let's just talk about politics lately. And we want to be able to provide both to you on this show. You know, we want people to feel seen and heard. It's feeling braver and braver every week to talk about this stuff. Yeah. But I also want you and I to provide escapism and insights and laughter to people and we'll do that for the rest of this episode. We promise. We're going to pivot.

But, you know, I'm just, I'm proud of you. And I know sometimes it feels like, am I really going to fucking do this today? Like, sometimes the world, things are happening in the world. I'm like, I have to do an Instagram story about these vibrators we sell. Yeah. But like, right. I think pleasure is important. And I think orgasms are important. And connecting with your body and intimacy and connecting with your partner is also important. So I'm like, no, it isn't stupid. And sometimes people are like, how can you talk about this at a time like this? And it's like, well, sometimes the world just does need that. Yeah. I, I, when I was like, I feel like planning a comedy tour in this climate is, you know, being one of the violinist while the Titanic went down

sometimes. And I feel like that some days even. I feel like that. I'm just like, we're on this sinking up for a while. I, I, I thought it for a long time. I thought it for a long time. I thought it for a long time. I feel like we are in the band on a sinking ship and, you know, they just pack it up in that moment is just so heartbreaking because they're like, this is it. And I felt like that for a long time. I had never seen it on the internet and I saw it kind of recently. And I was like, oh, a lot of us feel like this. Like so I was like, is it going to feel like that? And again, also, I've been able to make a lot of jokes about the political climate. And especially when I was in DC. I mean, it feels like we're in this together. And sometimes what's happening is too dark to joke about

clearly. But, you know, when I was in Pasadena and everything was going on, I was at the ice house. I was like, what a name. Fuck this. I was like, I have a weird time to be named the ice house. It just feels sometimes like, you know, there's all these projects you and I want to work on and you and I have been talking about me doing my own thing. And sometimes I sit down to write and I'm like, am I really writing these dating app jokes at a time like this? It's hard to like focus. But like that is my escape and that is something that I enjoy. And we just had this like amazing weekend.

We performed with the Lady Gang podcast. They threw a festival called Lady World and they got all these incredible women together on one stage and every single performer's been on our show. I mean, it was Stasi Schroeder and Rachel Lindsay, Taylor Strecker and the chicks in the office and Caitlin Bristow. And I'm like forgetting. Hannah Berner. We spent like, you know, it was just, we spent the whole day with Hannah on Saturday.

I mean, it was just so wonderful to just like reconnect with all these women and performed an audience full of women. And there was just so much joy and laughter. And it was just like such a beautiful moment. And I have to remind myself that there are like beautiful things in this world outside of what's happening. Yeah. Well, let's talk about that.

And I'll wrap it up with, I'll see you guys to see. No, I'll see you guys in Minneapolis. Grab those tickets. And then New York for the late show. And then in Boston, there's still some tickets left as of now. And that's at ash has. com. And then it's over.

And then I'm like, okay, well, I have one more thing of the wedding. I don't know what you're going to do on November 2nd. I really don't. Go to Napa. I'm going to fly to New York and that's what we'll do. Obviously, you're going to fly New York. I haven't planned it, but honestly, we all know. I haven't planned it, but it just came to me.

Maybe I'll come to Napa with you. On your honeymoon. I love that. I see, actually. Okay, so Lady World was just so incredible. And the lady gang women, Kelty, Jack and Becca through this festival first time. And I think they were probably even like, what the fuck are we doing? You know, like it was so intense.

It was three days. It was so much programming, programming all day and then programming all night and podcasters and comedians and musical artists. It was just a lot going on. And we got there and our show, we had to pretty much perform in the rain. I mean, it started raining towards the end of their set. And so we had to kind of wait it out a little bit. Then we went out there.

I mean, we were wet. And then people just started to like put their ponchos on and they stayed. And it was just really such a heartwarming, like emotional moment that people were like, I'm here for it. And we did our show. And the next day, obviously, Raina mentioned Hannah and Rachel Lindsay. Also, I made Hannah sound like an afterthought.

Hannah's our closest friend on this whole line. I know. I know. I just want to chub it. We love her. It's Hannah's a given. And then that second night, Saturday night was all these, like,

pop 2K is what they call it, all these boy bands. So O-Town and BB Mac and LFO and Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray and Chris Carpactric from Insink. And they all came out together. And they kind of, performed at this like super group at one point and played all the hits and I mean just the nostalgia of that was incredible it was just me you and rachel lindsay on the side of the stage just like rocking

out singing all these songs and but yes together like the girlhood of it all was just inspiring and i'm so proud of them and i know i hope they're proud of themselves and Saturday they were like this the best night of our lives and the setup was incredible and we hope they do it again i mean it's hard to throw a festival and a lot of times the first year it's like people are like what is this i don't really get it and I think they have shown what it is so much content go look at their Instagram there's photos and videos and we were making TikToks and they were up on the feed like 30 seconds later we're like oh there the social team is on one I mean you should put women in charge of everything first time festival they had programming all day they had merch they had just like

the best audience every single minute was planned they had yoga class and we want to harp that much longer about a festival you guys weren't all at but to watch what women could do with the first time festival I was like this well of course fire festival was a disaster. You put a bunch of men in charge. I know. I mean, I've never felt so taken care of.

I know. Like shit was on point. Everything ran so smoothly. The green room had crystals in it. Coffee table books. It had throw rugs. It was just beautiful. Yes.

Women in charge. So it was really fine. It was really special. And I've told you something funny that happened on my way out of the lady world. Okay. So I got on the plane and I'm just going to press my same. This is always my greatest nightmare. And I don't know how this is, well, maybe my greatest joy.

I don't know what's ever happening. But I walked on the plane and Rachel Lindsay was sitting across. Oh my God. Shut up. With her man. And I was like, oh, my God, it's you. We're like giggling, whatever. And we just had like so much work to this weekend.

So I started working. And you and I are launching some new products for vibes only. And we have all these new photo selects that I needed to like go through. And so I transferred them all to my computer. I picked like a certain number. And I was like, I'm having trouble seeing them. I want to see they look like on a phone because the color can look a little different. Yeah, yeah.

I added a phone. So I narrowed it down to like 30 and I was like I'll just transfer them to my phone. And I was like, oh, let me just get this to like 10. So I did like 10 and I selected them and I click air drop and I don't know who I are dropped them. No. But it wasn't me. And it wasn't Rachel. No. Because Rachel would have told you. It's like Rachel. Check your man's phone. Check your phone. I don't. Wait, they were all like product picks or just product picks. Nothing. You could probably get sued for that. Just vibrated product picks. which is I'm in some of them. So like thank God it's like not my face.

But like there's like two butt shots of me holding a vibrator. Oh my God. But like you know when you open your air drop obviously in public a ton of names populate. And I thought I just hit mine and I must have hit something else. And you got me real careful. It's air dropping in public. You were all willy nilly with it. All tired.

We were so tired. I was so tired. And like we just, I hadn't eaten yet. And I mean, thankfully it was like clean. I mean, you know, it wasn't like really dirty stuff. Because you've been sending some. There's so many news on my phone. My phone, my camera roll is so insane right now, actually.

It is maybe 150 photos. 50% of them are dick pics I've received, nudes of me, and the rest is just my nephew. It is so disconcerting. And vibrators. It is so disconcerting to be scrolling through like dick pics, my tits, my nephew's face. Oh, my God. So many. Yeah.

It's really disconcerning. Is that a tit or a bald head of a one-year-old? Is that a penis or a bald head? What head is that? What kind of head is that? Oh my God. Well, I had a funny thing happen on the plane. So I got on the plane and I see this man.

He's like two seats ahead of me. And he just as a visual, if you want to picture the guy because I think people might want to know. It was just like a, I don't know, late 30s, maybe 40, a black man. We were in Atlanta. like he looked like maybe he was worked as like a music producer something he's like a cool vibe about him he was like a backwards hat he was wearing a bunch of like you know designer or whatever swaggy yeah so he gets on the plane immediately he puts on selina the movie so immediately like on the tarmac he was like i gotta get selina he could not get selina on fast enough so i'm like i wonder if he's

like doing something that he needs to watch this for because it was so immediate i like i always like to spy on people. I didn't even watch him scroll through any movies. Like it was he was it felt like he like put it on purposely. Was this on his iPad? Like on the screen. We were in the on the screen on the plane. On the screen of the plane. Yeah, you know, Delta, so we had screens. And then I slept pretty much the whole flight. So Atlanta to LAX like five hours, whatever. I probably slept four of them. I slept pretty much the whole flight. I woke up and we were landing in 50 minutes. I did good. So I was like, oh damn. I really got that sleep in. I had to wake up before in the morning. So I really needed it. And so I look up, he's still watching Selena. So he restarted the movie. Either he

restarted it or he went to sleep and like brought it back up. Like my immediate thing was like he watched, he's watched Selena back to back. But then I was like there was a world in which he slept and then he put it back on. I like to live in a world where I think he watched it twice. Also he was there with his wife and his child. So they were in two different seeds. Like we were in the whatever. It was the dollar. one cabin, which I didn't know it was Delta one. I thought it was just first. And that was a real nice surprise. Best surprise of my life was to have a lay flat when I was that tired. So they're a separate from him. He had his own. He was in the window. He had his own little cubby watching Selena. I was just like, this man loves Selena. I just, nothing I love more than watching what every single person is put on their screen. I love profiling people based on like what I think they're

going to put on. And then what they do put on it, it always shocks people. I know. And And the man, we all know this man, he sits down next to you and puts on Fox News immediately. You can't skip a beat. You can't not watch Fox News for an hour long flight. I feel like people look at me and they're like not sure. And I feel always proud what I have on the screen. It's always cool. So the other day, what I put on when I flew back from New York to L.A., first the Eagles game, immediately followed by succession.

I was like, I'm so cool. Yeah. I'm killing it. And then otherwise, my other picks are curb. And then I watched casino on the plane the other day. Nice. All cool girl picks. Yeah.

I'm big, big on curb. Only Delta, I feel like does the live TV. Oh, does it? I was on, I was live TV. Yeah, it's like, I was trying to watch the Eagles game on another flight, whatever. Anyway, go birds, they're four now. And then I have one other thing we're talking about plain behavior. I wanted to open this up to the audience, something I find so insane.

So my fiancee did his bachelor party, and he just waited too long to book those flights. So he had to fly back in a middle seat. And so that was like all that was available on the flight that he needed to be on to get back from the East Coast. And he flew in a middle seat. and a couple was on either side of him. Talking over him the whole time did not. He offered them. Do you want to sit together?

Obviously. I am so shook. I am so shook. So if he and I fly together and we need to be in a row of three, I will do the middle and he's on the aisle or like the last time we flew like that coming back from Denver from Jenny's wedding. He took the aisle. He likes the aisle over the window and I took the middle.

I think it's so crazy. I you know me I would rather dive than fly in the middle I'll drive like I always look at people in the middle like how'd you end up there couples that's how you end up in the middle couples like that that's the couple's responsibility is one of you is taking the middle or families and don't even give me started with people that talk over you so I got on the plaintiff yesterday Rachel Lindsay and her man were in two seats and I was in the window of the directly across seat and I was like oh my god it's you we're like joking and the guy who was in the aisle goes do you want me to take your window seat and I go and I go no I promise you I promise I won't talk over you for this flight. Like that is so obnoxious when people do that. And I need a window and I'm not moving. So I'm not going to talk with my girlfriend for the rest of the flight. I'm not going to do it. I think it's so crazy.

Like whatever that couple has going on, like clearly if they're listening or you are like this couple, you're like, well, I like the window and he likes the aisle. Okay. So what? You prefer the window more than your man? I mean, be comfortable, I guess. But like my man is sitting next to me. Yeah.

My thing is, I'm saying my comfort is that I can lean up on someone I know. Like I am more comfortable in a middle seat next to my partner than a window or an aisle next to a stranger. Totally. That's the point. I think it's crazy. I think it's crazy. Yes.

And I was like, they were not talking to you over the whole time. He was like, yeah, they were. No, that's scale. Yes. You and I also, we don't sit together that much on planes. We are not yelling across the plane with each other unless we're trying to like put on show from people, which like, you're welcome. Okay, so this story I've been dying to tell you. So this happened at a show. I'm just, I really want to leave out as many details as I can.

My point is not to call these people out, except for the protagonist of the story who said I can use her first name. So we've been DMing. That's my girl. So this happened, you know, I've been all over, so you can, don't know what city this is in. So I'm doing my show and I'm doing a crowd work. The couple's up front and there's this couple. And I started joking with them because they were sitting kind of far apart. I was like, why are you guys social distancing if you're on a date? You know, like a lot of space between them. The body language was not hidden. And so they were on a second date. And they said they went on Hinge and she didn't even really know. She's like, I think Hinge. I was like, oh, you don't like him. You know what app you met. You know what app you

met. You haven't told your friends. You haven't told your mom. Like, it could be any app. You just don't remember. Everyone remembers. Yeah. If you know what app. You know what app you use. But even if you are using multiple apps, like you don't like him enough to remember your story. Absolutely. You know, so whatever. I'm joking with them. She was like, I don't know. I first started talking to them and she was like, I knew this was going to happen. Like she immediately kind of like, she didn't have a great energy. Like the audience was kind of like, ooh, like, why did you sit up front then? Like you don't have to. You don't have to sit up front. You can ask to move. It's a, it's a GA type of show, you know. So I was like, well, then I'm just

going to go a little harder. So I started crowdworking with them, asking them questions. And I went and talked to other people that I came back to them. And I was just fucking around them. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But I was like, what are you guys into in bed? And she immediately was like, no, not answering that. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And so I ask him and he is uncomfortable. I'm like, what are you into bed? And he would not answer.

So I don't want women to feel uncomfortable in my show, clearly. When she didn't want to answer, I kept it moving. Not yet. No, I'll have a standoff with you. Say something. So I'm looking at him. He's looking at me. I hear from the back.

He's into butt stuff. Someone from the back. There you're telling me he's a virgin. Did she know him or she's making a sup? So someone from the back yells he's into butt stuff and just record screeches. The audience gasps. She says it in a tone that is I know this person. Because there's a tone.

You and I know. Like somebody's just like being like butt stuff. Yeah. She knows him. So I'm like, what is happening? So I'm like, where am I going to go with this? So I'm like, oh, I was like, oh, do you know him? She was like, yeah, we dated.

So now the audience is locked in. What a treat. So the girl on the date, not so happy. She's locked out. But whatever. And I'm going to preface this by saying, sis, you dodged a bullet. Because I know things. I'm not going to share everything here today. But you talked with Zach? You dodged. You dodged a bullet. So I'm like, wait, do you know him? And she's like, yeah, we went on a couple dates is what she says. And I can obviously see him and I can sort of see her. She's in the back. But, you know, the audience is dark.

And so he is craning his neck looking around trying to see who it is. And he actually can't see her. Even on the show the next night, I was like, the person sitting in that seat. I was like, can you see the person back there? and they were like, no, I can't. And I was like, okay, I just wanted to fact check. So he really can't tell who she is, because I couldn't tell if he was playing dumb in the moment. And so I was like, well, what's your name? I was like, he's literally looking around.

And I'm thinking, can't you see this woman that's saying she dated you? And I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I was like, well, what's your name? And she was like, Karen from Pilates. And I'm like, you don't know Karen from Pilates? From Pilates? She doubled down.

She was like, I'm not just white. I'm the whitest. So I was like, do you not know Karen from Pilates? Was she not your Pilates instructor? did you meet her at Pilates? And I'm doing this whole thing. And he is literally looking around like, I cannot see her. And I'm like, how much more do I push this?

And the audience I can tell is like, we need to know the story. So I'm like, I'm going to do this for y'all. I'm like, let's figure out what's going on here. I was like, why don't you head back there and talk to Karen? So he gets up. What? And he goes back. I mean, it wasn't that big of a room.

He goes back and it's dark. So he's looking at it. And he was like, oh, hey. And then they like hug. And then the crowd goes wild. insane. He's on a date with somebody else. Here, listen, people might not like this for her. If I'm on the date, this is hilarious.

He's on a date with me. This is funny. He's obviously not, he went on a couple dates with Karen. We met on an app. Everybody's out here dating. Like, this is a funny date story to me. Yeah. But not everybody.

Well, everybody, you know, has different boundaries. So that happens, and that's pretty much it. And he goes back to a seat and, you know, we continue the show. and the girl, I wanted her to have, the girl that was on the day with him, I wanted her to have a nice time. And she seemed like she was opening up throughout the rest of the show. She wasn't like sitting there cross-armed the whole time. But I was like, she might try to get me canceled. But, you know.

So I get home that night and I am looking at my DMs. And I see I have a DM from someone named Karen. And I'm like, it's her. She's got an update for me. She had messaged at 7 p.m. before the show started. She had messaged me before the show even started. Ashley, I'm in the audience at your show. Please roast the guy in the front row.

And then she describes him. She says, we briefly dated. He's a nice guy. Total freak in bed. He's into some weird shit. She like tells me some of these details. She said he walked past me. I tried to make eye contact and say hi, but he totally ignored me.

Oh, fuck this guy. I'm glad you ruined his date. Karen had the best night of her life. The fact that she preemptively had been like, please roast this guy. And then it just happened organically. And she got to call out. Karen's a witch.

So I've just like, you were the MVP of the night. I'm dead over this. And she was like, thank you for an amazing show. And then she was like, okay, so he's been texting me. And she's like, I'm not going to get more into the details. But you saved that girl in the front, though. You saved her from like a shitty person. They didn't really have like chemistry.

I mean, like you can tell. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like they weren't into it. And then that happened. And just like. you know, what a dream.

A bullet dodged. But I'll tell you some of the rest of the stuff, Karen told me, like, offline in the car later when we go to Dr. Barrett. So I just, like, could not believe that happened. But things like this would happen at Girls Got Eat shows

because there's way more people there. You know, like Rain and I are in a city like Vancouver that people who live there, like say it feels kind of like a small town sometimes. I mean, obviously it's a major city. All the time this would happen to our shows. But like Vancouver,

we're in Vancouver and there's 1,500, 2,000, people in the room like some people know each other they've dated I mean it happened one time in Pittsburgh I thought those two girls were gonna fight when they were in Toronto those two guys in the balcony and those Vancouver oh that was Vancouver I got my Canada cities and then Pittsburgh like those two girls they were dating the same guy they almost fought I was like are they gonna fight like is so Pittsburgh so it's just funny because I'm doing smaller venues and but still like people were in my DMs last that night like girl you don't even know it's hard out here like this is what we're dealing with yeah so that was what happened that I've been like one of

to tell you. Okay. I'm glad that you saved this for the podcast. That's amazing. Yeah. And she, Karen, again, I was like, can I say your name and your first name? And no, it's important. I was like, I'm going to tell her on the podcast. No, shout out Karen. And it's important that her name is Karen. Okay. All right, well, we're going to thank our partners. We have a great episode. But before we do, we're doing a giveaway for you guys this week. So Ashley and I own a a sexual wellness business called Vibes Only. There's premium sex toys. There's lube. There's handcuffs. There's a massage oil candle, which we just re-released. So we wanted to do just like a fall. cozy giveaway for you guys. All you have to do is sign up for the newsletter. That's it. Super

simple. Nothing more. It's for new subscribers only and you will be entered to win a little cozy fall bundle. So it's going to be our massage oil candle, our glow below intimate moisturizing oil. And my favorite toy at the moment, our fair finger vibe. And that is a vibe that you just slip on your finger or your partners and it turns your finger into a vibrator. And it is my favorite travel vibrator. Every night on the road. I can't stop. I'm addicted to do it.

I really like our air pulse vibes that suck. So the Raina and the Debbie and something that we're cooking up soon. But the Fairfiger vibe is amazing. It is these deep pulsing vibrations. So all you have to do is go to Vivesonly.com and sign up for the newsletter. That's it. Just enter your email. You'll be entered to win these three things in a bundle.

You have all week to enter. So we are going to close the giveaway this Friday, October 10th. 11.59 p.m. Pacific time. We will also be putting a post up on Instagram, Vibes Only. If you want to just, you know, comment and let us know why you think you should win, but all new entries will be considered for the week. So good luck. Best of luck, Vibesonly.com. Yes. Okay. So we are just going to talk about our partners and we will pick it back up. Tell you guys about function. I am so excited to talk about this partner. I actually had a long talk with Jeremy this morning at my house and he said he's been using it for years.

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So function, they'll help you check your vitamin D, zinc, high sensitivity, C reactive protein, white blood cell count, cortisol. And you can get, essentially, you go to their platform and they'll help you get all these things checked, you go to blood test, and then everything is localized in one place, and they'll give you all these recommendations for how to sort of move forward once you have all those answers. But routine physicals can often skip a lot of these things, so you now can kind of get them all checked at once. It gives you access again to 100 plus biomarkers. And if I needed this, this is the one that I would absolutely use. And I do think we all need this. Why not check out what's going on in your body? Learn more and join using our link. Function is a near 360 degree view to see what's

happening in your body and our first 1,000 listeners get a $100 credit towards their membership. Visit functionhealth.com slash gGE or use gift code GGE 100 at sign up to own your health. Okay. And we all know prices are going up on just about everything lately. I feel like we find ourselves noticing this all the time from flights to lattes and are just like, how are people doing? I just rough out here. So it's, you know, money can be stressful. dealing with money can be stressful and you're trying to manage subscriptions, track spending and cut costs. That can all feel overwhelming. Rocket money is here to help. They can relieve some of that stress and help you feel confident in the financial decisions you make. So we talk about this a lot,

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Check out everything that they have. There is absolutely a color for you, a size, a style, a fit of anything you want. Shop our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. After you placed your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you a select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show and the drop-down many of the follows. Okay. So what we're discussing today came to us through an email. And it was funny because I read this email and I was like, there's so much to say.

I didn't want to just respond. Like, I mean, there's so much nuance and we'll get into it. And you didn't see it for a while. And I was like, Raina, did you see that email? And you were like, what email? And I told you the subject line. And I was like, get into it. And you were like, oh, we could do a whole episode on this.

We were talking about doing for an intro or an episode, and I just start, like, typing stuff into the outline. And I was like, I could talk about this forever. So, you know, it's the type of email that we get a lot. It's sort of a should I stay or should I go email. And Ashley and I like to feel that advice is very nuanced depending on, you know, are you married or not? Do you kids or not? What do you want for your life? What is your financial situation like?

So for everybody that asks us that, there's a different answer to that question. And ultimately, all you can do is answer that question for yourself. But there was so much to unpack and we get these questions. And so we wanted to read you the email. There's lots of details. we'll kind of break it down because I think that so many of us have asked ourselves in quote unquote healthy, decent enough relationships. Is this enough for me? Yeah. And I hope this helps her. I mean, we certainly did not feel comfortable writing back a like one line, one paragraph,

even response. We wanted to discuss this. I don't know what decision she has made. I feel for her. You can feel her desperation coming through. She says, I'm desperate. Help me. And I, I, we'll check in with her. Obviously, I just appreciate her sending this and sharing and we're going to keep it as anonymous as we can, obviously. But her story is plenty of other people's story as well. But her specifically, I just, I hope this helps and we wish her all the best. Yeah. And, you know, I am somebody who ended in engagement and I can look at my life through the lens now of what if I would have married that person and what my life would be like. And you and I are at a point in our lives that a lot of our friends, I mean, a pretty good handful of people we know have ended their

marriages and have moved on. And I can look at their lives through the lens of it and say, like, a lot of those people are happier today than they were. And so there is light on the other side. But every person that would ask me, what do I do? I'd give them a different answer. So I guess we can stop teasing this email and just read it. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to read it? Yeah, sure. Okay. I mean, the subject line says married young. Now I'm 28 and IDK WTF to do. she said, I'm begging for help. I'm going to try and provide as much detail as possible without writing a novel. I'm still happy to share anything further.

So she says the scene is engaged at 22, was married at 23 to a truly great guy. I'm currently 28. We've been together for nearly a decade. We have the most amazing time and we've truly built an incredible life. I'll paraphrase some of this for you guys. They have a great friend group. They have pets. They have a house together.

She says, I do love him. However recently I've been thinking, do I really love him or do I love my life? and he just happens to be in it. As I reflect, I've noticed that most of our social plans, friends, routines in life, et cetera, are because of me? You could absolutely say, how lucky are you to have someone who supports you so unconditionally? While that is true, I can't help but think what part of my life is because of him. I've thoroughly appreciated the support.

However, sometimes you need more than just support. I'm extremely communicative to him. We never fight. And so I wanted to talk to him about it. However, it's just who he is. How can I say your personality is a bit boring? And I wish you were more extroverted in my defense when we first met. He was with all his college friends.

and I thought he was extremely extroverted. That's not the case post-college. On top of being uncertain, never having lived on my own, feeling the hottest and most confident I've ever fell. We love that. Already having some wariness of our current relationship, I started falling for one of my coworkers. Please let be known, I was feeling all the above before me,

and let's call him, Luke, started chatting. I have not crossed any lines. Our conversations happen casually between work. Questions here and there. I can't help but notice. We live very similar lives, the work, the coworker. We have the same interests, political views. Basically, we've been doing the same things,

the last seven years, just not together. It doesn't hurt that he's so good looking. I can't get him out of my head. There's a lot more I could say about him, but honestly, the question's not about him because there's no way he'd even be interested in me post-divorce. That's not necessarily true, sis. Oh, also he's 35, so he's older.

She writes, a man. On to the question, Luke aside, what do I do? I'm living seemingly a perfect life. My husband is a fantastic partner in all the ways you should hope a partner to be. I'm just deeply lacking in him adding depth, character, challenge to my every day. I want to like circle back to that specific sentence. If we broke up, it would be a nightmare.

The friend group, social life, family would be devastated. We'd have to figure out the pets, so much more. However, who let me get married before my frontal lobe was closed? Seriously, who was letting this happen? No, that is BS. I just feel like a whole different version of myself and I just want to be single and independent for once. But then all my single friends tell me how lucky I am to be in such an amazing relationship.

I am torn with what I hope is the hardest decision of my life. I'm just scared if I don't change. anything I'm going to feel this way forever. And if you girls have taught me anything, it's that there is a heck of a lot of life left to live. Please help. I'm desperate. I feel like really emotional. I know. I also am just emotional in general, but I'm like trying to keep it together. You know, as I want to speak to my own experience at this exact age. And, you know, there's so many things that come up where you think I have this quote unquote perfect life and this great on paper partner and we've built this life together. We have a home. We have pets. We have a community.

I'm close with his family. I married this person. Is this enough for the rest of my life? And I wish somebody would have told me when I was engaged at 28 to ask myself that because I had all these voices in my head. And by the way, of course, did not get married. So it's a very different type of discussion. But I had all the things. I had a home with this person and we'd been together many years. We had all the same friends and our families were close and we were so ingrained in each other's lives. And I do remember thinking like I'm a little bored by this. I'm unfulfilled. We don't have a great sex life. But this is a good partner. Everybody around me has these toxic relationships and they're getting cheated on. They don't have a man that wants to commit to

them. And I have all these things. And I remember thinking, am I so rotten on the inside that this doesn't fulfill me? What is wrong with me? That I have this and I don't want to fuck this person. And I don't feel excited about these conversations with him. And I felt like a bad person. And you think, like, I'm going to blow up my whole life. And I look back now. And he left me, so I didn't really have a choice. But I did not know to ask the questions at that age.

Is good enough going to sustain me forever? Like, I don't know that I was even brave enough to ask that question. I don't know that anybody even told me to ask that question. I never thought, is somebody who's kind to me but doesn't excite me, somebody who I have attracted to, but we don't really have sex, is that good enough forever? Do I want to have children with this person and get further financially ingrained with this person? And the answer could be yes, by the way. I think, you know, it's important to acknowledge this sounds like a good person who you're, right,

who is healthy and stable and does fit into your life while and everybody loves them in your life. And you've built so much together. And that's, that's hard to walk away from. And I think that you don't always leave just because maybe you are. little bored right now or a little unfulfilled right now. But I do think we should ask the question. Like if nothing changed in five years, would I still want to stay? If I'm at this person today, would I pick them? Anyway, sorry, that's a lot about me. But I want to. But you have a perfect example. And I think age is huge. And I just want to get it all the way up top because I think it

really matters. And I'm getting married at 42, which is clearly outside the norm. And I don't want children and obviously that makes a difference as well. This doesn't need to be said. But it is shocking to me that women get married in their early 20s. And they do it and it works out. And I think about my college friends and most of, they all got married in their 20s, some earlier, some later. Your sister-in-law? My sister-in-law? Yeah, my sister-in-law. Exactly. I mean, my brother is older. But so it can work out. It can work out forever. I mean, my college friends, with the exception of one, are all still with their husbands. They've, most of them, they all have two children. and at least, you know, so it works.

I have to preface this with saying that. It can work, but you know plenty of people, sure. Statistically, it is better to wait. And the optimal age to get married and stay married is 28 to 32. So 30 is like a sweet spot. And it stabilizes for women's ages about 30 to 45 and then the risk of divorce drops even lower after 45. Statistics are also showing the couples are getting divorced after 50 more than they used to.

But that's a little outside of our. listener base. We still have plenty of listens to that age. But if we're talking to women in they're like 20s and 30s, it also shows that the average age of divorce is 30 and the average age of years people stay together is around seven or eight. So if you put those two together, that means people are getting married at 23 and getting divorced at 30, you know, when you really do run the numbers on it in that way. And I think that 27, you have this awakening, if you believe in the Saturn returns, but everybody goes through something at 27. And you start, questioning your life decisions and who am I and what fulfills me and what am I doing with my life

and your relationship. And so if I were to say get married at least after that and we're going to get into way more of the nuance here and way more of her personal details. But I just think about age and do whatever you want to do. It's some women's dream. I just want to get married young, be a young mom and it can work. But please don't feel the pressure. Like just wait it out, figure out who you are, you know, figure out what you're into, build a career if that's something that you want to do. I remember feeling at 28 when we did break up, oh my God, my whole life is this person. I don't have a lot of girlfriends. I don't have a lot of interest and hobbies outside of him. I mean, I just, I hadn't traveled anywhere. I really had to like build a life. And he was my life

and I was happy with that. He was a wonderful kind person. We had a great life together. But I didn't really have a big life outside of him. And it felt a little bit suffocating. I just, I don't have anything else outside this person. I had like enough friends, but like certainly not what I have now. And I can certainly look back of my life now and say, you know, I created a whole big life outside of this and I'm proud of it. But, you know, a couple things. This whole quote unquote, perfect life is an illusion if you're not happy within it. You know, everybody else in the world can say to you, it's hard out there. It's tough. You know, you found a good person, hang on to it. None of those people have to live your life for the next 40 years. So it's not perfect if you're

not enjoying it. Right. And I don't know. You have to ask yourself as like good enough enough for me. It might be. It might be like, okay, you write a checklist of a partner. We don't all get every single thing we want. And that's why we have friends and hobbies and interests and jobs that we like. And it's not fair to ask one person to be everything. So I don't know. How is good enough enough? ask yourself how good it is, you know, I think it's okay to outgrow people. Like you said, you are a different person. You're just a different person. That's my point. You know, like that's what I really feel like you start to figure out who you are at 30. And sometimes you are with your partner that you've been with since you were, I mean, 18, 19, or 22. And

sometimes you're married. Sometimes you're not. And they are able to grow with you. And you're really lucky. And we see it all the time. And it happens. So I just can't stress enough. And I'm not shaming her for getting married young, but she's the one that wrote in the email, I got married young. You know, like, I think she's starting to run the tape on like, I'm a different person and so is he. I knew him in college. I knew him as a guy with friends in college. And now he's, we have not grown in the right direction. Like I literally picture it visually of you growing apart into different people. And when we talk about age and I'll shut up about age in a minute. But, you know, like really, I think 30 is a great age. And I look at you at 28. You started a whole new.

life. It's crazy to even remember who we were in our 20s because we're completely different people. I'm a different person than I was in my 30s. What a hot take that we the growth. I look at my brother and sister-in-law and they met at 22. And every time I describe them, I always do that thing with my hands where I say that they grew in the same direction. And I think it is such a beautiful thing that these two have been together 15 years and they're like a limb to the other person. You couldn't amputate it. And what a beautiful thing to be with somebody who has truly watched you grow up and watched you grow in the same direction. And I remember when my fiance and I broke up, I remember saying to my mom, nobody that I'm with will ever have known me growing up now.

Nobody will ever see who I was and who I am now. And that was a real fear. I really liked that he watched me grow up a little bit. And my mom said to me, like, it's nice to meet people who are fully formed and you're more fully formed. And you can kind of see what the future is going to be for that person and how they're going to socialize because you're in a different era of your life. And I just think about the people I was with in my 20s and I saw my ex-fiancee. What a year ago? And he's a wonderful person. He is for somebody else. But I would not choose him today. Yeah. I mean, you really run the risk of not knowing who this person's going to be. And I think about this when I think about my college girlfriends, but everybody's friends,

whoever, people in the world who got married, sub 25. And when you were drinking so much more, and you were just always getting drunk together, and that was part of your life. And then some of us outgrow it and some of us don't. I think I outgrew it to the extreme where I was such a big heavy drinker, a binge drinker, and now I'm just don't. And it's not something I would look for in a partner, even close friends. And you see couples, and I know couples personally, where one partner outgrew those habits and one didn't. And it becomes a real point of contention. And it's like, but they were on the same page in their 20s.

Like we all are. And that's just like one example. But with her and anyone who shares her story or anything similar, like this does not have to be an immediate decision. I don't know how long she's been feeling like this. She didn't specifically say it sounds like it's been a while. And then the coworker thing just kind of came into the mix while she was already having these doubts. but I wouldn't make a rash decision with your marriage and with your home and your pets and all this stuff and your family and your friends. Like keep thinking about this and talking about it with people you trust or a professional.

And I think you'll hit a breaking point. I mean, again, I don't know how long this is, but you don't have to make this decision right now. Like take a little bit of the pressure off. I don't have to decide today if I want to stay married to this person. Like I can feel her desperation, I guess. And I don't know if she's worried she's going to cheat. But like it feels like really like I need an answer from us who are people she trusts, which it is such an honor.

But you can relax a little and think over this more and figure out what you value and what you want. And if I were to guess, I see a world in which they don't make it. I think she wants something different than he can provide. But there could be a world in which they do stay together. she looks back on this time is just like, I don't know what I was thinking. You know, I don't know. I wonder if this is a feeling of like I can't unring the bell.

I've had this thought and now I see everything he does through this lens. Yeah, for sure. Also that he's boring and we're not socially aligned anymore. And I think it's really scared to admit to yourself that we have both evolved and evolved in different directions. And there's so many different things that you can have like, when do we want to have kids? How do we feel politically?

How do we want to socialize? What do we want to live? You add this other guy into the mix and she's seeing, you know, the grass is a little greener maybe on the other side and she feels hotter than she's ever felt. Maybe this person she's been with for a long time isn't as spicy and exciting anymore. And I love what you said. And I had the same note that like it's not a rash decision. It's a marriage.

I would give people very different advice in a marriage. Yes. I think you and I have had quite a few friends that have gone through divorces and they were long conversations and a lot of therapy and a lot of what we want me in. I think that like we've evolved in different directions. That's a thing. That's a starting point saying like there's some ways we can evolve together. There's some things we can do separately and still feel fulfilled.

And like we get the excitement we need outside of the marriage, like take girls' trips and have hobbies and interests, but also can we evolve some way in the same direction? But ongoing conversation. Well, I don't know if they've had a conversation. I'm a little confused because she says, we never fight. And so I wanted to talk to him about this. However, it's just who he is. How can I say your personality is a bit boring?

And I wish you were this and that. It does not sound like they have. you got to tell your partner, you don't have to do it tomorrow, that you're feeling a certain type of way in the relationship. He might be feeling certain feelings too, and it might be this huge sense of relief and it can bring you closer together if you realize that you've both been having doubts about the relationship. I'm going to side with her and that she knows her partner and that she just is like, how can I say this to him?

I can't tell him. You can say something. And again, I really want to tread so lightly. could they take a break? You know, could she just be like, I'm feeling these things, and I don't know what to do, and I love you, and I don't want to get divorced, and like, is there a world on which, I mean, taking a break, it's touchy.

I think of the book we read. I mean, it was a fictional book, but it was by Taylor Jenkins read, and it's called After I Do. She should read that book. I mean, it's a fictional book, but it's about this couple, and they're feeling a certain type way, and they separate, and I'm not going to give it away and spoil it. But, I mean, I don't think you hold this in,

I'm going to guess that she decided he was boring and has tried to lead by example a little bit. She's like, you know, let's take a trip. Let's go out to dinner. Let's find interesting hobbies. I'm just going to guess that before she has just, I would hope, like before you tell somebody to their face, I think you're a little boring. This is a little boring. socially. I'm a little bored. I would hope that you have tried to do a few more things. Have you mentioned like, I just wish we went out to dinner once a week or could have a shared hobby. You know, these are constructive, easy things to do at first. If that didn't work, you know, you know, You've got to talk to your partner. Yeah. I mean, you can say I am feeling bored, not you are bored. For sure.

I mean, the Luke thing is like a symptom of the problem. I don't think that's, that could be. That could be her man. I don't think that's like the person she should be with. I think it's just he's coming at a time. But it is illuminating to her that she is feeling this type of way about somebody. You know, I felt a little unfulfilled with my fiance. I've certainly ever cheated on him.

But I did feel a little emotionally and intellectually bored. That's not a nice thing to say. But yeah, you do start to just look for stuff outside to be like, can I get this hit somewhere else? And I'm proud of her for not acting on it. I never acted on it either. But like, you're only human. The thought does occur. Right.

And the thing I said, I wanted to go back to the sentence, I'm just deeply lacking in him adding depth, character, and challenge to my every day. So I do want to always say that your partner will not be your everything. You know, they're not going to give you every single thing you want. That's what your friends and your family and these different things are for. You have to figure out what it is important that they do add. I do want my partner to be intellectually stimulating, going adventures with me, make me laugh. I'm with him all the time. I can't be bored by him.

But I do make more of our plans and our social stuff. That's just what I do. That's what my mom does. I mean, I think of my parents. And, you know, my mom is a million friends. and my dad just doesn't have that type of life. He has his own stuff going on and he always has. So we are a little different in that way,

but my fiance also is along for the ride and lets me be. And I guess, you know, if she wants somebody that's so social, like you might not get that with all that support that her current husband, her current husband is offering her. You know, just be realistic about what you can get from one person. And if you listen to this podcast, we've talked about it, like the personality traits that go together that complement. at each other. You don't get it all. So I just want to be clear. Again, I'm not in defense of them

staying together. I think she wants more. Is it a situation where you're the social engine in the relationship, but it's kind of annoying? Or are you completely socially mismatched? Is your partner refusing to go to the things that you want to go to? Yeah. Do you go to a party and they want to leave as soon as you get there? Are they not engaging with other people in the room? And that bothers you. And I think for me personally, I mean, somebody said to me recently that that was a problem in their marriage, that they kind of wanted to be really private and didn't really want to go out and go to events and things and that it was a real issue in their marriage. And I could see it being a real issue for me in a relationship. I am really social and I like to go out. But I also get a lot of

value from being with my friends. So I could see being like, okay, at home I have this person who is solid who I trust who's a wonderful person and supports me emotionally and it's a lot of fun when the two of us are together and if I want to go out and rage or go to a concert or go to a sporting event I'll go with my friends I guess it's one size fits one I would have to know like exactly what that person was like day to day yeah I mean if she read an article and wanted to talk to him about it would he just be interested would he have a conversation with her I mean we talked about this with Liz Moody I mean I've never been in a 10 year relationship I can't speak on it you know, things change. Things change after one year, five years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years.

So is there a world in which you get him to have more of those challenging, fun conversations? Like, have you guys just hit a point where it's gotten a little stale and you can do things to spice it back up? Again, I, my gut is telling me that maybe this couple is not a fit any longer, but I'm still wanting her to think through all of these things because I don't want her to make a decision that she regrets. So, you know, she's saying like with Luke, We have similar lives. We have the same interest, political views. That makes me wonder about her husband and his political views.

But it sounds to me she's having more exciting interactions with this person. But that's also a new person compared to her man. She's been with for 10 years since they were 18 or whatever the fuck. You hear every person that has an affair say like, they don't understand me like you do. It's like because they don't see you through the lens that I see through. Of course. So, you know, you're never going to have the spark with your 10 year long partner that you have with a brand new person. But there are sacrifices to be made for comfort, for intimacy, for deep levels of depth of another person.

Sure, there's some people that have a crazy spark after a decade. And I hope that for everybody. But, you know, the spark will die a little bit. And I would not make big decisions based on there's other people in the world that I feel like this about. But if you're just like, I miss feeling like that and it's really important, then you're allowed to look at yourself and say, I had a 10 year long relationship. And that is really valuable. That it's hard to do. A lot of people cannot do that.

And it is not a failure to say I have outgrown this. Yeah, let's talk about the fallout if they were to break up. But let's just take a quick break and talk about our other partners. And we will pick it back up. This episode is brought to you by Sacks Fifth Avenue. We love to talk about Sacks. I'm talking about Sacks this morning. Oh, my God.

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someone take a step forward in these moments of therapy to ask the right questions and provide a safe space to cry. Thank you to those people have dedicated their life to this. And better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the U.S. BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals. So there's a short questionnaire when you get in there. It's going to help identify your needs and preferences. And they have 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate. And they typically get it right the first time. But if you guys aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. There's tailored wrecks for you. So no matter what

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Okay, Helix. Raina, this past trip of mine, I feel like really was like next level. Like, but I went to Philly. I've been sleeping bad. Yeah. I was in Philly. I had to go to Florida to come back. I had to wake up at 4 a.m.

Like, I couldn't even believe it. So when I got home yesterday and slept last night in my Helix bed, I've never slept. The second my head hit the pillow I was out, did not wake up till I, till this morning. Like, what just happened? I'm in sleeping so bad. I've been living in hotels and people's apartments. And the minute I got home last night, just crashed. These hotel beds, I have this pain in my back, like from a nap I took in San Diego and I have not recovered since.

Your left shoulder blade? Yeah, like right back there. Oh my gosh. So it's our helix master's. We just, we love them so, so, so much. I know. So I have the midnight lux, which I cannot recommend enough. And I previously had the Moonlight Lux.

And I also have one of those in my guest bedroom. My best friend has the dusk lux. My best friend Corey and her husband. My brother and his wife, they have one of the big and tall. mattresses. I'm not sure which one, but they have so many different mattresses you guys can choose on, but I always say not too many. It's not going to be overwhelming. You're going to get on their site. You're going to take a little quiz and they're going to match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have the standard mattresses, which are great, of course, then they have

the Lux and then the elite. And they can really improve your sleep, whatever you're dealing with. If you have a sleep issue, if you're snoring, back pain, sleep apnea, sleeping too hot. And again, when you take the quiz, they'll ask if you sleep in your back or stomach or side or if you move around a lot. And we just, I mean, we talk about this over and over and over for years. These are the matches we sleep on. We make all of our family and friends get. So if we go to visit them, they have them too. And we just can't imagine our lives without them. So they really can help you guys sleep better. And if you track your sleep when your Apple Watch, your oar ring, you will notice, hopefully, you know, if you sleep better, you're going to notice a difference.

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slash GGEE. So, you know, I think one of the biggest questions that people ask themselves in this situation is what is the fallout going to be like? You know, we have built a lot of. a lot of life together. We have a home. We have pets. We have all these friends and our families are ingrained in each other's lives and what is going to happen. And I want to talk about this from having been that age when it happened to me and also at 40 having watched a number of our friends get divorces. And every single person says, you know, of course, am I happy? Blah, blah,

blah, blah. But what is this fallout really going to be like a decade to undo this like this spider web? And it is so frightening. I get it. It's a lot of details in terms of, of course, course the pets in the house and the stuff and then what is everybody going to think who's going to get the friends am i ever going to talk to their family again i mean it's it's so many questions to ask and i want to say like everybody i know that's split up and gotten divorces asked the same question and it can be a little messy sure it's messy yeah but they are all fine no one cares about you as much as you think they do and what you've done people get divorced it happens people break up no one's judging you nobody thinks you failed that is narratives that we tell ourselves

The people in your life want you to be happy and they want to support you together or separate but hopefully you friends and families just love you and want to see you guys succeed whether it's together or apart and I know it's just it's so scary but everybody else asks themselves those questions and you rebuild you get a new home

you figure out how to split the pets you figure out how to split the friends I know it's awkward I get it it's a lot to just say goodbye to yeah like my fiancee was my entire life I mean I had I don't want to say I had like nothing after that, but like it was like a giant house of cards that just toppled over one day. It was just over and who gets the friends and who do I talk to about this that also knows him.

Is it going to get back to him? I'm going to make him look bad and fuck him because he left me so I don't care. But I was in a different type of situation. But I really want to validate an honor that this is probably the scariest question that people ask themselves. What is the fallout? Of course. But think about what could be on the other side. And what's the quote, nothing worth having comes easy?

Is that a quote? Does it apply there? No, I'm just saying it's hard. And the payoff is you're happier. And you aren't spiraling about this every day. And you're not meeting people you have crushes on and thinking about them and cheating and this and that. Not that I think she's actually going to, whatever she might. But it just, it does suck.

And there's so many things, I mean, I don't want to compare anything in my life to a divorce because I haven't been through that. But there's just been things throughout our lives. careers where they felt so insurmountable and like how would we ever do that how will we how could we possibly accomplish this what will we need to do it's going to be such a mess it's going to be so much stress or time and her money or whatever it is and then you just do it and there's been so many examples i think about this a lot when i'm like god i really overreacted and i'm not this is a divorce and it's a lot it's 10 years like you said of a web to unravel but you will get through it and you'll just once you're in it, you'll do it. And you'll take it every day at a time and you will figure it out

and you'll come out on the other side. Again, just validating that it can feel like there's no way. There's no way. I'd rather just stay in this marriage. And this is talking to anybody, not just her, anyone that's feeling this way and anyone, whether this is her or not, that knows in their heart, in their gut, that they need to end this relationship. But it's going to be so difficult. But you will be able to get through it. And once you, are in it doing all the things that yes will suck you will be like this is doable i can do it i get really emotional when you talk about it because like i think about when we broke up and i was in so much pain i thought i was going to die i i couldn't imagine a day where i would feel five

percent less pain i was so devastated and my whole life crashed and it was just like what am i going to do here. And I like want to say to that girl like you like you're going to have like a better life and you're going to make other people have a better life. And I don't know that this girl will choose to have the life that I had. But, you know, I look back at how much pain that girl was in at 28 and thinking their whole life was going to die without this man. And I've like gone on to build this like totally other thing and I can look back at it and say like, thank God. Thank God for the for the pain and for him being so brave to leave me. And look what I get to have and what I get to do and the things I've gotten to experience and none of that would have been possible had we not broken up. And I'm not encouraging

you going to break up my husband. You know, this is a bigger conversation. This is my, this is my own journey, my own life. But, you know, if what you're worried about is the fallout, people will move on and you will move on and you will create a great life for yourself because, girl, you already have a great life. You set it yourself. You've all these friends. You've all these interested in hobbies. You look hot. You're excited and confident. Like, you will go have a great life because you are you. I know. I love that. Go off. It just, it really like, I mean, my breakup wasn't like yours. Obviously, you were like this. But I just remember thinking like, this is over and I'm going to move to New York. What am I? How? What do with my stuff? You know, even us like moving to LA, like these things, again, I can't stress enough. I'm not comparing the two. But they feel insurmountable in the moment. I'm going to uproot my life that I've been here for 10 years. I'm going to move to New York City. I'm going to live in a shitty apartment, like all these things. We're like literally how. And then little piece by piece you will tackle those things.

And now I'm just giving it a motivational speech for anything you want to do that feels hard. But we can do hard things. That's not an original quote. It's the name of Glennie Doyle's podcast. And if you choose to say, like I think that there's value in fighting for something. And you know, you and I have watched people fight for relationships. They really did not want to end and come out on the other side and learn how to communicate

with each other and how to find a common ground. feel happy again. And I just think that life is long and you do have to like choose to be happy and you you need to choose whatever path is going to bring you the most happiness. Yeah. And think about what it looks like to be out of this relationship. Maybe you have, if I'm talking directly at her. Visualize it. What does my life look like? How do I feel? I mean, I'm sure she's done this. But if we're going to go big picture and talk to anybody struggling with any decision, think about if you rip the bandaid off, you pull the trigger. How does it feel? feel. You know how it feels. We do this all the time. Like if something we think on smaller scales,

on larger scales, if we decide to do a thing or not do a thing, how do we feel when we think about that? And if it's relief, you know the answer. And again, if this is with anything and she could have a conversation with him about the way that she's feeling and that could really help guide her. She might feel totally different. Right now she's just keeping this in. She's keeping this from the person that she's closest with. So even understanding, even getting it out there, even kind of thinking like maybe I'm going to do this could reframe how she's feeling about it and guide her.

I like that you said that. It will be a watershed moment. This may be one of the worst things you have to say to somebody, one of the biggest fights you ever have with somebody. But I mean, I've always said, because I've had to learn how to manage conflict, the fights that I've had with people have made our relationships better, not worse, or they've ended them.

But either way, I have like a pretty good answer. and it's propelled me forward to at least live my truth. And you can't just live in silence and suffer like this forever. You are going to have to say something to him and it will be really painful and it'll suck and you probably go to therapy and talk through this for a long time. But, you know, as sad as I was in my relationship ended, the sense of relief was also there. I don't have to pretend to be interested in this shit anymore. I don't have to have this like lukewarm sex once every 10 days where I walk into the bathroom

and I look at myself in the mirror. I'm like, okay, I checked the box. Right. You know, I got to go live all these experiences, and I wouldn't trade that for having been with him for the last 12 years. I know, I know. Yeah. I mean, you do not have to tell him. I think you're boring.

I mean, you can even say things that we've said. I think we're growing in two different directions. I don't know if we want the same type of life. I don't know where they stand on kids. Do not get pregnant while you're dealing with this. Don't have kids with anybody anytime, anyone listening that you're not in a rock solid 100% certain relationship with. I will die on that hill. Babies don't fix relationships.

It's the hardest thing you will ever do. The hardest thing you will do. Is have a child or somebody else. A hundred percent. It's harder than anything that I've ever done. That's why I can't do it. No, I'm not strong enough. I've done a lot of stuff that is really scary, but I can't do that.

I've done enough, Mariah Carey. So, yeah, I think, mention this. Like, soft launch it. I'm worried we're growing in different directions. What do you think? think, start there. You know, I love you. You're the best partner I could imagine.

You're so supportive. You're this and you're that and our friends and our pets and our house and whatever. But like I can't shake this feeling that we're just not the same people we were at 19 and we're growing in a different direction. And what do you think? And if he's like, what? What? I don't know.

What? What are you saying? What are you saying? If he freaks out, okay, just, I want to. I'm walking there we stand now. Yeah. You don't just, and if he's like, okay, can you provide an example? I mean, then you can kind of really gently say some of these things.

But it's all going to be gentle and with love. And it might be really helpful and illuminating with the decision-making process, unless she's done something already, which I'll check in. I mean, even still, listen, we are imperfect people. Lots of people have affairs. I don't sanction them. I just, I think that life is. She's with Luke right now.

Or Luke are listening to this podcast. I write her back. I'm like, hey, I just want to let you know that we talked about this. She's like, oh, I'm divorced. She took a whole load. Luke. I just fucked Luke on the copy machine. And I'm getting divorced.

How of what fuck on a coffee machine? You didn't go copier. You went coffee machine. Tell me Ashley's never been to a professional office before. Is that not what they're doing? Coffee machines. Coffee? You said coffee machine.

I said copy. Okay. That was like, how did she not go copier? On the curing? That was like that TikTok challenge. On the coffee machine. That's how much I love coffee. I want to fuck on the machine.

That thing we have in there. That coffee machine. Well, listen, I really, Ashley and I, we both wish her best of luck. And anybody in this, should I stay, should I go type of situation because it, I know that it's probably eating you alive. And it's nuanced and you can take your time. You don't have to make a decision right now or fuck Luke right now. But just, you know, be kind to yourself and understand the.

lots of people have gone through this and they've processed it and they've come out on the other end of it better, happier, stronger, more fulfilled, not hating the other person, you know? Yeah, and read Taylor Jenkins read after I do. And while you're reading it, think about what you want to happen because you will feel a certain type of way reading that book. That book is gutting. It's hard for some people to read if they're in a relationship. Like, you'll know immediately the way the book starts. The way the book starts is crazy. They're like fighting in a parking lot. Like it is so real and as you're reading it, you'll know like do I want them to get back together or not. There's also therapy books.

But read this fiction. Also better help. But get that book. She's going to get the book. Get the book. I'll send her the book. I love that book. So good.

That book, that's, that book I made me feel things like of all of her books. Like it is so intense. I know. I bought it at, who cares where I bought a book? That's the new thing. Code B, G. I bought it to McAley Jackson in New York City. I didn't know Taylor Jenkins read had this book and I loved it. It's under the radar. Every single chapter made me feel a thing. Yeah. You'll feel the things. Well, again, thank you to her for writing and all you guys, whenever you write and we apologize if you poured your heart out and you haven't gotten a response. We haven't discussed it in depth in this podcast. Yeah, exactly. But we always appreciate you guys sharing with us. And we love you. We want the best for you. Yeah. We love all of our children. We just don't want any of our own. Yeah. No, maybe we love.

I don't know. We love mothering you all. And girls got to eat.com. You guys can get tickets to our holiday shows in New York and L.A. And then all the shows that I mentioned, my last week of my tour, the Sex Before Marriage tour, Ash Hess.com. And we are Girls Got Eat Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. You guys can watch us on YouTube, full episodes on YouTube every single week. And we will not have an episode of the snack this Thursday for obvious reasons we got a lot going on so we are going to take that week off so you know listen to an old one and we will see you monday have a great weekend guys bye