Girls Gotta Eat - (Homo)Sexual Healing with Comedian Mehran Khaghani

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

Enough of the hetero relationship talk, we're mixing it up this week with the hilarious Mehran Khaghani. We chat about his open relationship and how they make it work, coming out, tops vs. bottoms, psychic dick-reading abilities, the challenge of knowing who's gay these days, and much more. And we play Fuck Marry Kill with some extra special themes. Ashley also gives an update on meeting dudes in Montauk, and we continue the countdown to cuffing season. Enjoy! Follow Mehran on Instagram and Twitter, and check out his show every Monday at Pink's in NYC. Follow Girls Gotta Eat on Insta @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, and check our website for tour dates (upcoming: NYC, Atlanta, Nashville, Chicago). See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No, it's like, it sounds like the song, like, jizz on me. Jizz on me. Yes, jizz me on. Welcome back to another episode of Girls' Gotta Eat. Welcome back. So, do we acknowledge the fact that, okay, so today is the day after Labor Day we're recording. Well, okay, what? You've been gone out of town for weeks.

Literally haven't seen your weeks. I know, I know, I was gone for like 12 days. I went to Delaware and then I went straight to Montauk for the week. I forgot what you looked like. Right. I know. But, I mean, we talk all day every day, so it's fine. I just, I really didn't see you in so long.

I was just out here running the business all by myself. Raina was hustling so hard. Hold on. First of all, let's like plug our live shows. We are so excited to announce Atlanta at City Winery, October 9th, Nashville at Zanies, October 11th. We're doing a little Southern week. And Chicago.

November 10th, also at City Winery. No. No. No. No. 7th. Really? I bought a flight

for the wrong day. Are you serious? Oh, God, guys. Right. Rayna! Chicago, November 7th. City Winery. BRB.

Raina has to cancel her flight. Yes. So, and you guys can look up ticket links on Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com, backslash shows if you want to, but just Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.

com and you will see the link there. Just one note for Atlanta. The VIP meet and greet tickets are separate. So just we're going to try to make this as easy as possible, figure out how to get both. We've already had people being like, I can't find the mean and great. Whatever. Just know they are. So they will be VIP mean greets for all of the shows that we're doing. We're so excited. I can't wait. Oh my gosh. Our very first live show is going to be carolines sold out in like a couple days, 300 people. I've never done a show on a stage ever in my life. That should be good. Literally, everybody that I love is coming. Like my

family and my closest friends in the world like flying in for this. I know. I have so many people to let down. It's going to be amazing. I don't like the like jokes that it's not going to be amazing. Don't stifle my comedy. This is what I feel like joking about. Okay.

You're doing a self-deprecation bit. The show is going to be good. Maybe. What? She's like, I'm like, feel like I don't like it. I like to set the bar really low so when I succeed. Okay. Well, I'm going to be amazing.

See, you like to let people down. You set the bar really high. Oh, I'm always amazing. Perform there before, it's fine. Anyways, it's going to be great. I can't wait. So guys, keep your eye out. We'll have lots of live shows coming up throughout the year.

Yeah. What's been going on? I got to plug other things. Okay, right up top, please make sure to keep going on iTunes, leaving reviews, guys. Just rate it real quick. Hit a five-star for me. Keep putting us in your Instagram stories. Girls got eatpodcast.

Shop for the merch, wear the merch to the shows. We love your photos of you guys in the merchandise. So if you get the hats, the T-shirts, the phone cases, please send us photos. We love reposting them. That's it. So you were gone for 380 days. I spent the whole week in the Hamptons and Montauk met so many dudes, like so many numbers in my phone, so many texts. I just like couldn't keep track, like made out with some guy at the point, which is like a thing. If people know Montauk, it's like the bar where all the young guys go.

Or you made out of the young guys. It's so weird. He was 31, actually. I met a Hawaiian guy. I don't know that I've ever met, flirted with a, like, full-blown, like, Hawaiian, like, Samoan, like, whatever. Like, the skin color is, like, the most beautiful thing. Like, he was just this curly hair. He's a surf instructor, flies around the world. He was awesome. And I was telling what I did, and I mentioned the podcast.

And he, like, gave me this weird kind of look. And he, like, pulled up his podcast app and he'd, like, listened to episodes before. It was crazy. I know. Straight guy. I was like, marry me. He knew the podcast. Hung out with some Irish dudes, and, like, I think that's my new type of guy.

Like, Irish guys, they have small dicks? The smallest I've ever seen. Are you fucking serious? They have such masculine energy. I know. Irish guys have the biggest dick energy. Yeah. They're just rolling around small dicks.

Commentating. Are you for you? I'm sorry. All right. Listen, the last Irish guy I had sex with the smallest penis ever I've ever seen. And I'm letting him be the spokesperson, the dick spokesperson for all. All Irish guys. What if that was just the guy with a small dick?

I don't know. I'm just saying he also the first uncircised penis I ever saw. That's a thing. What? Well, most of Europe is uncircumcised. He was really Irish. I could only understand like every fifth word he said. Like no idea what was coming out of this person's mouth.

I love, like I just feel like Irish people are like, they're funny. They don't give a fuck. Like I'm just all about their vibe. But now I got to investigate this dick situation. You know, I think that all cultures across the world, some have big dick. Some have small dicks. You can't really generalize. I don't think we can really generalize.

Some people will tell you the Jewish guys have small decks, and I will tell you that's not your experience. Some of them have some giant anacondas. Okay. Yeah. So it was a successful week in the Hamptons. All the guys in their salmon colors, pastels, got a lot of numbers. Can you wear other colors besides that in the Hamptons? No, it's like shambray and pastels.

White? All white linen. And it was good. It just had a house with like seven girls. and it's just the girls trip. I just love everything about it. So are you coming back with phone numbers for cupping season? Okay, I'm going to say this.

I can already feel the guys coming in. Like the summer's over. Like, I've had guys that, like, were, that I matched with on apps and stuff, they're, like, reconnecting. Like, we haven't, we maybe texted, like, once or twice. They're, like, coming in hot. Like, it's, coming season is so real. Last night, right?

Everybody comes home, like, hates themselves from drinking for five days. Yeah. And they, like, I just feel like, even though it is like 90 fucking degrees, people are like, ooh, I got to get cuffed up for the fall. I mean, you had like every guy you've ever dated reach out to you. Every guy I've ever dated texted me the same day. But I feel like, what is today?

September 10th when this is coming out. I mean, it's coming. The wave is coming. Last fall, I just wasn't really on the dating scene. I was like having a situation and just wasn't. I wasn't even doing the apps. I wasn't doing anything. I like wasn't mentally open to like dating.

So like this fall, I just feel like it's like coming in hot. So you know how Sunday night is the biggest night for like dating? Right? Because people feel like such pieces of dog shit from the weekend. This is this times four months. That's what's happening today. Ladies, get ready. Get ready.

Like, you can't even go near a dating app without like catching some dick. All right. Speaking of dick. We have a guest today we are so excited about. Welcome. All right. Ron Gaghani. Hi, kitty cats.

Thank you so much for having me. The studio is delicious. You're delicious. You jumped a gun. I was going to like really introduce. Let it go. Let us. Let us fly. I feel like we're already doing this. And like we've been talking already. I specifically made it a little bit tense beforehand so that we have like this kind of sexiness between us because it's not going to happen hormonally, right? You mean when you told me

that I was clearly not a comedian and prettier in person? But these things are true. Oh, I think I think prettier in person is such a compliment. Pretty in person is the nicest thing you can say to someone. Do you know what someone said to me on my Instagram? You are so photogenic. I feel like that's the most backhanded compliment. Like you're, I, when I say it, I mean it so much because there are Because my industry, we live and die by our word, right? Like, it's just comedy. And then if somebody happens to be photogenic, it's like, oh, bitch, and you're photogenic. Okay.

Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, oh, lucky you. To me, it felt like, oh, you've been using FaceTime. No, no. You are actually photogenic. Both of you are actually photogenic. We'll take it. Whereas with me, it's like, I can't begin to tell you, like, just to get a headshot.

We're talking about like 700. And four apps. You know what I mean? Totally. A lot. Six builders. A lot. All right, guys, let's back up.

I want to introduce you. I want to explain who you are. So tell me where are you from. What do you do for a living? So I'm Iranian, but I grew up mostly in the suburbs of Massachusetts. My name is Miran Kagani, and I'm a comedian. I am a full-time stand-up comedian. It's what I do.

Yes. What else do I have to say about that? I'm a married woman. That's it. You're a married woman. I think I met you right when I moved to New York City. I mean, you probably don't remember, but your show at Pinks.

Do you still do it? I remember. I remember meeting you. Yeah, I still do Pinks. You do. It's like a, so I host the show once a week that's like basically a purely creative endeavor. And I pay off the audience to not tell people about the show. Right. Keep it very.

No, literally. Literally, I can't because we give away free beer and free money, so we can't advertise it. True. The one time we did, a guy came in and tried to fight me with his guitar. He sounds up my alley. You're like, for me. That guy fuck. Marriage material.

That guy. Do you know how badly? I want to talk about that guy, Fox. Please. We've started to say that guy. I listened to you. I didn't come here like a virgin. I gave you listening, having listened to you a little bit.

You are definitely not a virgin. You do not have like big virgin energy. No. Have you had virgins on? Are you virginal? Oh, God. I don't know. No, you're not.

My insurance. Look how red you're making her. Leah's in the studio again. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sexually. So the reason why, other than being hysterically funny, you're on here is, guys, I'm very excited to announce we have our first, or you let me say it, homo guest. Say whatever you want. Homo guest is one word.

Hashtag homo guest. Yeah, I am, I didn't know I was your first homo. I imagine you've at least, the guy you had on yesterday at least had tendencies. Listen, I know we're not supposed to talk about men who work out excessively and the innate homoeroticism of it. Right. But there's some dick kissing that goes on in those worlds. Do you know what I mean? For sure.

You don't achieve that level, like that sort of low a number for body fat without at some point grazing. Do you know what I mean? I mean like that Netflix special. Do we think like as a whole if a guy is just like zero percent body fat so ripped, like just be on the lookout for the dick kissing? Why wouldn't he try it? Like, do you know what I mean? If the world is his oyster, why would you?

Wouldn't he die rich as Fruency is tasty? Those guys want to suck their own dicks for sure. Of course. He is so wholly motivated by his own vanity. Why wouldn't he cash in on it? Do you want to go down on yourself? I would, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

All right, like, find me a human who wouldn't bang the fuck. We already do. We masturbate so furiously our whole lives. My hand is in there, not my face. Yeah, but imagine if your hand had a mouth on it. Ooh, child. Wouldn't you fucking take yourself down I would go down to myself.

Absolutely. But here's the thing. And then I feel like, if I liked it, I'd be like, there it is. I'm a lesbian now because I'm already like close enough because men are so terrible, but I just don't want to eat pussy. But like if I, listen, as somebody who has eaten pussy, we've talked about this. Oh, I thought you just had like, oh, I mean. No, I fool on hooked up with girls. For the pleasure of another man or out of your own curiosity about the mean streets of Chinatown?

Only curiosity. I was 19. 19 was a hell of a year. Okay. I respect it. Same. We were talking about 19 outside. Yeah.

You were doing meth. I was going down on girls. I was, it wasn't just meth. Like, to make it sound too meth-y is, is, is, it does a disservice to my, like,

good years as a raver. Like, I was in full for, just all the things, a lot of ecstasy, a lot of acid, lot of mushrooms, a lot of mescalid, lot of DMT,

a lot of all of it. Mescala and, like, green sounds? Yeah, mesclin greens. Mesclin greens. And you know, And I'm just throwing that in the middle of MDMA and LSD.

Do you know what I mean? It's really just to make sure that the public is listening. I'm just, it's like, put a salad in there. Throw a salad in there and see if they're even paying attention. Do you know what I mean? The honey mustard dressing, the weed candies. I dated a guy that wasn't funny. He had one funny joke.

It was like the mesclin versus like mesclin. Because my mom, like I remember for the first time my mom was like, I was like, mom did you drugs and she was like, I did some mescaline. Sure. Yeah, like the salad. I don't know what that is. Mescalin is a... LSD, right?

It's a hallucinogen. If I'm not mistaken, and, you know, I don't want to jump down my throat about this. But I believe it's like the mescalito cactus. Like, it's a cactus hallucinogen. Is it like off the market, like, quailudes are off the market? Oh, no, no, no. It's not made by like a happy pharmaceutical company. It was like made by, like, a,

A number of people who fancied themselves shamanic who are like, I'm a chemist. And we were like, I'm high. Thank you. Definitely like my mom's, one of her boyfriends, like, made it. Yeah, it's very that. It's very that. I had a guy who grew the cactus in our apartment and Lund like made it for us. And it was lovely.

Okay. All right. So back to bisexuality. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually would love at some point to do an episode about this, but like, do you believe in true bisexuality? Why not? I mean, I'm not like, I'm just pitching ideas.

I haven't experienced it. Like, even when I haven't experienced it, like, even when I, the, the one time I did. Are you a gold star? I'm kind of a makeout bandit, but it's mostly vain. Do you know what I mean? Like, as in like, and certainly more in my youth. I'm 42 now. We were talking

about, like, whether or not I would talk about my age, here it is. I'm 42, so I'm on, like, the other side of, like, making out with everyone at a party. I have an old mouth. It's kind of gross. Do you know what I mean? The number of dicks alone, you know, should preclude me for making out with everyone at a party. Like, if by kissing me, you're

kissing all the dicks I've kissed, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I guess you just started it. think about that. It is akin to licking a Turkish bath clean. Well, what about a girl that's, like, kind of slutty? Like, you could use that as an argument to just never hook up with any girl. Yeah, you don't see me. I just feel like every day when I brush my teeth, like, all the dicks get washed away.

You know what I mean? That's really beautiful. I use a good toothpaste. That's beautiful. That's almost Muslim. I think that's how the Muslims feel about it. Every day. Every day you've to wash the dicks away. No. Oh, my God. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't let the dick she do. This is the new. This is the intro for the episode. I don't suck a lot of dick.

But, like, I just feel like, whatever you do during the day with your mouth by the end of the night? It's like fresh, no, absolutely. Clean slate, you know. No, you're absolutely right. Like, the wrong pasta could really foul up a mouth. Totally. Do you brush twice a day or you just go hard at it in the morning?

That's deep. Who doesn't brush twice a day? That's a deep and important question. Lena Dunham. Does she not? I hate Lena Dunn. Of course, she doesn't take care of her tea. There's so many reasons to.

It depends on the kind of night I'm having. We've all gone to bed drunk without having brushed our tea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But, you know, sober and. and riding the wave of a proper day, yes.

So a lot of questions. When did you come out? Oh, God. I came out at 15. I came out very young. I was a first kid at my high school to come out. I went to prom with a girl, but everybody knew. Are your parents Muslim?

No. My dad did the Hodge to weather the political transition in Iran. There was an Islamic revolution. So he fully put on the sheep's clothing, did like walk to Mecca and was like, look at me. I'm a Haji, you can't kill me now. So he did that. And my mother is just a full-on witch in so many meanings.

Like a Wicca? Not Wiccan, but old Iranian sort of lady magic. Okay. Roots, like literally going back generations in her, like, female lineage. Sure. And she agreed, she made, she gambled with God. When my brother was young, he got meningitis. and a spot showed up on his x-ray on his brain.

And she bargained with God and said, if you take this away, I'll pray for the rest of my life. Whoa. And it turns out that he had shoved gum up his nose. And when he tilted his head back, the x-ray caught a spot that looked like a tumor. And it turns out it was just gum up his idiot nose. And then your mom had to pray forever. And my mother prays to this day because she thinks that if she stops, he'll die.

And I'm like, stop. He's the worst. burden to carry my God. Oh my God. I mean, listen, Iranians are like we're a passionate wiggity-wack weird people. Right. Well, I ask you if you're Muslim because there are certainly religions that accept homosexuality

more than others. More than others. I actually would argue that Judaism is a little more accepting. It's a little more accepting. But I mean, if you get down to the word. Certainly a lot of religions, you would be terrified to come out, you know, because you would... Your parents would never speak to again. I feel so badly for people

who are stuck in those worlds. And there's the extent to which I was. My family, like, out and out rejected me. It didn't go over well when I came out. Fifteen is really young to face that. And, you know, but I mean, it was like when there are only so many weddings you can like vogue at before you've already come out. Do you know what I mean? Like, there are only so many Madonna posters and like, you know, days you go to school, like when I would do like a high school play or something, the next day I would go to school still with last night's makeup. With the other eye shadow? I'm beautiful.

Like look at this coal-rimmed eye. I was very into how I looked at makeup. All of these things, like, I mean, I was Rudy Tootie. Like, it was very, very gay. It wasn't, like, maybe he's, no, like, it'll turn around, like, what it would have taken to turn it around. I can't forget to tell you.

Like, the momentum with which I entered homosexuality, you know what I? Nobody in college could believe I hadn't sucked dick yet. Like nobody. Oh, really? I had, like, a late bloomer? They made me, like, my family, it was awful. Your family was like, okay, you're out, but you can't suck it?

Oh, they kicked me out. They beat me up. They were like, it was awful. Yeah, it went as badly as possible. Jeez. Yeah. So that when you got to college, was that just like a relief, obviously? Well, no.

Then I had to like lie and act like I had already, like I was a more experienced slut that I was. Oh. And I just wasn't. And so I started to be like, yeah, blow. job's like massages. They're not a big deal. And then someone took me up on it. Oh my God, I love that. It took me forever to blow him. And he might have had head drama. He wasn't very bright. I may or may not have taken advantage of the fact that he was cognitively different. He wasn't, he wasn't for sure. Retarded? I would never say retarded.

I didn't mean it offensively. I mean, first of all, I would totally say retarded. It's a very me word. My father's a neuropsychiatrist. The bottom floor of our house was his clinic growing up. Oh, my God. A lot is happening. I'm very comfortable. But, uh, um, but no, I, I'm, I kid when I say that poor John was, uh, but he was stupid. He was, he was, if nothing else, he was stupid.

You know what? It sounds like he was like a person to practice. Yeah, so he was like a dummy. He was perfect. And he even said to him, he was like, you got a nash mouth. Like he said, it just got a nash mouth. Did you go to school in the South? Yeah.

I don't even know where he was from. He was some hippie. Right. So you didn't like mess around guys in high school. Uh, one guy. seduced me on a chorus field trip. And then the next day left me for a, like, didn't just, like, leave me. Like, he seduced me, insisted on, um, bunking with me in this hotel room.

And then the next day he was with this girl. Oh, shit. Yeah. Okay, so I want to talk about something. I thought this would come out later. But, um, one of the things I really wanted to talk about today and you sort of brought it up is this idea that like, heterosexual people get to practice being openly heterosexual their whole life, right?

I knew it five years old. I had a crush on boys. got to practice being rejected by boys continuously my whole life. When you're homosexual, I think a lot of times you don't get to come out until some people are 30, 35 when they come out. Others are 15, but they don't get to like practice and act on it. Do you think at all it affects your ability to have like healthy relationships at all? Well, I mean like anything when you're sort of delta curveball, at some point you're going to have to compensate for that. At some point you're going to have to adjust for that. If like you,

you didn't exercise a lot as a little kid, and then you end up becoming like a heavy adult. If you want to have a healthy body, at some point you're going to have to make up for those years that you didn't work out. You know what I mean? And I think probably there's something similar that happens psychologically.

If you didn't get to accept yourself and you didn't get to live an accepting life, at some point you're going to have to create that life for yourself. And in that it's not sort of inherently present in the system, you have to create that for yourself, which is extra effort. So homos do at some level have to, put in the extra effort to have healthy lives.

Right. Do you think it's different today because kids see so much in social media and pop culture, homosexuals? I mean, Will and Grace didn't come out until we were, what, in high school? College? Yeah, no. I mean, they have a lot more, I think a gay kid. And I have a girl I went to high school with.

She has a clearly gay son. And it's like all guns blazing. It's like that kid is allowed to be as fucking fruity as he needs to be. Like, wear paint, where are. a dress, honey. Like, this kid has permission. Right. You know what I mean?

Which I very did not. Right. And like I had to, you know, no, the makeup wouldn't wash off last night. Like I really had to, you know. So you are married. Yeah, I'm married-ish. We're not formally married. I need his sort of his credit to stay where it is.

How long have you guys been together? Six and a half years. Okay. And we were together. before that. And then I broke up with him because I was his first. Oh. And I was like, I can't be your first, honey.

I am. I'm just not that delicate a place to land. Okay. You know what I mean? I'm just, I'm not. It's a lot to manage being with somebody that, like, isn't out and just living that life completely. And I think you know if you're a harsh person or if you are a nurture or caregiver.

You know, I think. Did you break up? You were like, go get it in? And this was so brutal, like, because we got along like, dikes. I mean, we really. Like, as soon as we got together, we were like, I love you. Yeah. This is really early.

And then I broke up with him because I didn't want to be his one and only. Because a lot of, just a lot of pressure. I just, I don't want to be someone's one. And I need him to go out there and see what gay men are like. They're brutal. They're not very nice. Like, go to a gay bar, get eyed up and down. Like, you're not really being like, not that anyone is in a bar setting.

Well, all men are doing it. Gay men are probably just doing it out last. straight men do it. They're just a little more quiet. Yeah, and also a little cunty. But you're probably like, you haven't had like the full experience. Like, get out there and do it and come back. That's exactly what it was.

Psychologically dealing with that is a lot to do with. I don't know that I would want to like jump into a relationship with anybody's psychologically dealing with something immediately right now for the first time. 100%. Yeah. And there's nothing. There's like no way through it but to do it. You know what I mean?

Like he just needed to go out there and like date, get disappointed, see what it's like. Date, get disappointed, see what it's like. See 30 dicks. Not that he saw 30 dicks. Yeah. And then so how long was that in between break? Like two and a half years. Did you, were you like, that's the guy still?

And then we got back together. And then I broke my knee at an orgy. Okay. And then he got me chicken and waffles. It happens. This is 100% real. I was. I had a dollar for every time.

I used to have fake knees. I have a fake hip. Do you actually? Do I? No. Some people do. Some people do. Some people do.

And it's not funny. I think I'm too young for a fake him. Wait, can I ask you a question, though, back up. Yeah, yeah. Was he married or was he dating women before that? No, no, no. He was sort of like a great mystery. And he came out of the closet in my apartment.

Oh. Like he went into your closet. To our shared group of friends. Okay. And I was in my bedroom and all I heard was laughing. And I came out and I'm like, what's so funny? They're like, Noah says he's gay. No one believed him.

Literally no one believed. Were you guys dating? No. Oh. No, no, no, no. Just no one believed that he was gay. Oh. He just, like, got on a soapbox and, like, announced it.

No, I mean, it was just sort of like, oh, you guys know I'm gay, right? Like, he said it like that. Just cash. And they har, har, har, hearted him. And, I mean, like, his best friend since he was too har, har, hearted at him. Like, you know what I mean? What? Were you like...

And, like, and everyone in that world was by. Like, this was, like, the underground art scene of Boston. Right. Every... It was nothing for me to be as gay as I was or for everyone to be as sexually experimental as they were. Yeah. So that, it was met with such sort of... of laughter, it gives you a sense of what my partner

is like. Like, his baseline is lumberjack. You know what I mean? Like a lumber sexual? He's like six foot four, very Vermonty, very waspy. I love it. I'll fuck your husband. Oh my God. Yeah, no. And his skirt certificate is fucking notarized. Okay. He's the best. Yeah.

There is no better person in the world than my partner. I hate to say it. Right. I hate to say it. Oh, well, actually, let's give up. I got the best one. Sorry, kids. So, okay, but then, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love the story of how it happened, were you like, oh, wait a minute. And then my roommate at the time, who was his best friend's brother. Gotcha. Okay.

Okay. So Noah's best friend's brother was my roommate. Of course his name's Noah. Noah. I can't. And he's the best. Is that your thing, Noah? That's such a great hot name. It is.

I've never met an ugly Noah. Never. That's the, that's a. Never met an ugly Noah. Never met a Josh who knew what he was actually banging. You know what I mean? Like Josh's are some of the most sexually confusing. confused people in the entire world.

Are they? Ethan's, it's hot or cold. Ethan is either hella hot or Ming. Ethan's a hot name. Matt's are the best. It's a hot. Matt's can have a good way. Matt, they're all, no, just great guys. Oh, great people.

They're just the best people. I've never slept with a Matt or an Ethan or a Josh. I've slept with so many people and none of these names are hitting. I love you for sleeping with so many people. It's so important for women to hear that they can sleep with so many people. We get a ton of emails saying what is a, what is a big number? How many people should sleep with? I'm well over 300.

100. Wow. And that's like a pretty conservative estimate. Like if I only banged one person a week from 20 to 30. That's what we say. Do you know what I mean? Like when you think about how long you've been having sex. Like, yeah, it break it down.

Just from 20 to 30. You know what I mean? Never mind all the cuckoo shit I've done sense. But if you're single and you sleep with five people a year, which is not that crazy to get laid every couple of months. In 10 years, that's fitting. That's a lot of people. I'm not saying I've had sex with me.

I'm just saying like it doesn't matter. Who cares? I agree 100%. And like, but you know, it's the burden is all over the place. It's like, you know, you're going to catch shit for being a virgin. You're going to catch shit for being a slut. It's the most like, it's the most broken system who, you know. So are you guys monogamous or what kind of situation do you have?

So we are not monogamous. And no, no, actually would prefer I didn't talk about this with people, but I don't give a shit. Well, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. No, no, no. I mean, I feel pretty comfortable with it. I think the moment I knew I didn't want us to necessarily be. monogamous was it's just based on the fact that he didn't bang

that many people before me. So you want more for him? I swear to God it was more for him. It was like, and also I kind of found out what he's been beating off to his whole life and it's not me. Like I'm kind of Gorilla's in the Mist and he, like I'm covered in hair. I have a, like, do you know what I mean?

There are rolls and folds. It's very, Ina garden. I know that in like, do you know what I mean? What everyone should aspire to me. Do you know what I mean? Bound down. There's a lot of garden baking going on under the shirt. Well, there's a lot of different names in the gay community.

Like, you could be like a bear or... Oh, no, no, no. I walked into this, like, super roughneck. And I'm a rough neck. I mean, honestly, I get into fights. I can drink anyone. Like, there's no one I can't drink under the table. I'm kind of a lunatic.

So, I like going to cede bars. You know, I love a cede bar. And I went into this one. I'm like super seedy gay bar in Boston. And the doorman saw me and goes, oh, we got ourselves a gummy bear. Because I was wearing like a sparkly jacket. I like, he completely,

he castrated me in front of the entire bar. You know what I like? Nobody's trying to bang the gummy bear. You know what I mean? Destroyed. You know what I mean? Just dickless, drinkless. How glittery was the jacket?

I mean, I dress like Rod Rod Roddy. Like the guy who used to announce the start, the price is right. Like he literally, that is how I dress. And my day, drag is a fucking disaster. And it's what I look like, and it's how I dress. I like your style.

It's pretty, totally. This has been, you know, this is, I came straight from the therapist. Okay, so back to monogamy because I think the most interesting thing about homosexual male relationships is. Is our ability to negotiate that? Yes, I think it's really interesting. Okay, so you were like, I kind of want to be open because I want you to experience this. 100%.

And also finding out that, like, he kind of likes like a lean hairless, you know, kind of like college junior. Same. You know? Is that like your back? So, but you know. I'm trying to get there too. I feel like I only like.

I don't want, I don't want leading hair. I just like younger guys. Like a crew body, not like an overly, right? Even when I, when I exercise, I get kind of stocky. So I was like, I need you to have that. I always, I, it always comes to this for me and I'm so embarrassed. But in the movie, the English patient, uh, Catherine Scott Thomas is dying in a cave.

And she writes, we die rich with fruits we have tasted. and I want him to taste as many fruits as he can before he leaves this mortal coil. I just want him to like get everything. Okay. And I can't morph. I've had everything. Okay. Let me tell you something.

Just based on the number of dicks that I have throughout my life been exposed to and sucked and my data set for dicks is unassailable. Like I know every dick in the world. and when I need a dude, I can tell you, like, what the dick is like, what the pubs are like, what the balls are, like I'm very... What characteristics, like a mitt, like a skinny penis? It's just a mother nose. Can I give you, like, a recipe? Like, if I'm looking for, like a guy and I will tell you his dick.

We can put this to, I mean, like, it's that reliable. Like a girthy... I know when it's slender, I know when it's meaty. I know when the balls are high and tight. That should be our game. I know when they're loosey-goose. I know when it, you know what I mean? I know when it looks like a cocktail shrimp sticking out of...

I know what this penis looks like, so I'm just going to give this to you. We're going to test your ability. I want it. Oh, we should do that. Like pull up our exes. Yep. Okay.

Ask me any questions you need to ask if you have any. You know, the... So, like, the pubic hair situation had to be controlled regularly, right? Like, as in there could have been so much... Well, he's Italian and Jewish, so like, hairy. Right. So, but there's like a lot of that. And it extends down to the balls, so all of them.

that. Your phone locked, so I lost track of them. But, you know, in general, it was like a, it was a decent direction. It wasn't the longest. It wasn't the shortest. It was actually a little bit longer than average. GERTH was like medium to okay. All right. I'm telling you you're wrong. What, it was super thick? Really thick. But your idea of really thick and my idea of really thick. Also true. Do you know what I mean? Like, I can put my hand around my wrist. Okay. I have not been able to do that in some dicks. Jeez. It's true. Yes. Do you, or what I'm saying? Gerthy for me.

Gerthy for you. Right. Which I respect. Yeah. Which I respect. But I mean, if you've seen like a million slender dicks, then. Okay. All right.

You know what I mean? An average dick. Your poor audience, I feel like they're... No, I really... The relationship thing is very fast to me. We don't need to keep dwelling on it, but are you guys in like, do you talk about this stuff? Or you just kind of like...

Absolutely. And like, and he doesn't really, like, I... There's the extent to which I wish you would take advantage of it more. He doesn't. Yeah. He doesn't take advantage of it that much. But do you ever get... worried he's going to like somebody?

No. Because you're the best. Oh, he loves me. And I love him. That's how, yeah. That's, that, I wouldn't be with this person if I didn't feel secure about him in exactly that way. And the instant I go down a notch in his mind, he better get to stepping.

Right. So you don't want to be. I don't want to be. I don't want to be someone's like, fine, I'll be with you. No, right. Rain and I are just very, we haven't had a couple on that has been an open relationship. It's clearly on our list. So I'm just super fascinated by it.

Would you want to be in an open relationship? Would you be able to take it? No, no. I don't know. And I'm just going to speak for me. Not in a judgy way, just how I am. I don't know that I believe in monogamy or the monogamy is natural. I don't know that those are natural concepts.

I think that they're social constructs that needed to happen for a long time. But I believe in it for me because I need it. I don't know if it's a natural state of being. Like need it in terms of like affirmation. The thought of my partner being sexually intimate with another person makes me feel like physical pain. Like the only thing that would hurt me is like I would never want to be lied to. I would never want my partner to go and be with someone else be like, oh, you're my son and moon. You know, fuck me wrong.

And then he comes back to me and he's like, hey baby, that would kill me. But for me, I think that's where it gets like, it's a slippery slope. Because, yeah, if I could map it out. And I'm like, maybe in some world where it's like my boyfriend just fucks these chicks but has zero interest of them, I'm still the best thing in the world. But like, it's a slippery slope because like someone catches a feeling here or there or whatever. I'm not saying for you guys, but that's the fear. No, no. Your fears are justified.

But I think the, so it's like more important than like keeping things sexually open. I think it's more important to keep things incredibly honest. Honesty is the key. That is the most important thing here. And that means, you know, specifically, like neither one of us, neither no one nor myself, we're not like out there just looking for rando's sex. Yeah. It's like, but if there's this hot vibe that happens, I want him to capitalize on it.

Okay. I would want him to, do you know what I mean? 100%. He's in a moment and there's some boy, some little fishy something, 19 year old who, like, you know, trampy miss thing, giving him. cuckoo eyes. I want him to go take a bite of that KitKat bar. But, like, that's, neither one of us is necessarily, like, broadcasting and looking for sure. Like, you're not on, like, grind or looking for it. Do you think that you guys, that's kind of normal, cross the board in the gay community?

I have no idea. And I think that that's, like, this actually goes back to what you were asking about, like, do gays, like, have a harder time being normal or do gays have a harder time being well-adjusted because of our sort of weird background, it's such a new thing for gays to even be able to be out. And there, like, there isn't a ton of research. Like, we don't have data about what this person's life looks like. Like, we don't even have the same idols. Like, you guys were talking about Will and Grace.

Like, kids, that was a minute ago. You know what I mean? Like, there just aren't that many examples of gay life, not internally or externally. Like we all have basically the sample set of the people that we know. But we don't have this like comprehensive data that's like, this is how gays succeed with non-monogamous. We don't have it. We don't know what it's like. I guess my own sample set of friends, like I have quite a few very close homosexual male friends.

They're in long-term relationships to them. I'm thinking of that both been at their partner for about 10 years. They're completely open relationships. And they're super happy. Yeah. They're in love and they're lesbians. More monogamous? Again, it's like, I mean, I can.

can talk to you about the dykes I know, I can't necessarily... Because women, like, I'm just curious if women are more, like, super committed. But I don't think, I don't, I mean, I think with men, there's like a weird thing. Like, I think guys probably... That's what I mean. You guys are gross. No, we are gross. No, no, but, like, we get our... We find our value in people saying yes to having sex with us.

Right. Well, you look at sex differently than women do. I think that men can have non-emotional sex. Again, I can only speak for myself. It's hard for me to have non-emotional sex. have a hard time having non-emotional sex. I really do. I mean, like, I leave a little piece of me everywhere. So can we just, I don't know if this is like crossing the line, but I am like super

fascinated by the top and bottom situation. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Like, how, like, if that gets determined, do you know right off the bat? I mean, I'm a dick pig, right? So, what does that mean? It means that oink, oink, like, I love dicks. Do you know what I? It means that, like, if dicks were mud, I would roll around in them and make a real sloppy

mess of myself. Do you know what I mean? And have my whole life. As in like, there's no, there's no cum a version. You know what I mean? Like, Brana loves come more than anything in the world. I am a come freak. I'm a cum freak, Raina. You love cum. You like with the second cum comes up, you mouth to me out of the mic. I love cum so much. I literally, I use a skin product. I don't even like because it's coming. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like I use this vitamin C syrup that doesn't even I think calm itself. I don't know that I even like come as much as I like talking about come. That's the best.

Honestly, it's the best. The best is to, is come talk. I like talking about how much of it there's going to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no,

no, nothing makes me sadder than a proud penis and then like a Terry Shivo fucking orgasm. Nothing makes me sad than a sad, drooling orgasm. I just want to kind of like prep me for how much it's going to be. I'm sure they'll tell me about quantities of it. See, but then the comedian in me would be like,

fucking tell me how much it's going to be and then I just wanted to be like the saddest, the saddest jizz you ever sold. Right, me too. I don't care how much there actually is, but I like come talk. Yeah, come talk is the best. Okay.

Yeah, jizz on me. And also like a lot of, there's been a lot of them. You know, jizz on me. Oh my God, with my jackets. No, it's like, it sounds like the song, like, jizz on me. Jiz on me. Yes, jizz me on.

Bitch, let me tell you something. I love Jiz so much. I legitimately. Listen, we're going to cut our intro music, and it's going to be that now. Chis on me. Jiz on me. Yes. It's a, you know.

All right, guys. We have new intro music now to the show. Does the top and bottom thing do people, go back and Do you guys go back and forth? I've met people who have gone back and forth. I've also met people who are, like, pretty consistent in how they are and who they are. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum. Right.

I'm pretty bottomy. You know, there are moments where topishness has happened. Yeah. But it's pretty bottomy. Okay. That's the difference. Like, how do you decide? I think it's like, I think it's about craving appetite.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm just curious. I mean, what if you meet somebody and you're just both, you're like, I'm only a top? Like, how can it work? There are tops who only want other tops. There are, I mean, yeah. Oh. And you can't be with them, right?

They just want to both be tops at each other and be like, or like, whatever they are. I want to be a top. I bet you are a top. Yeah, daddy. Just at meeting you, I would, if I had to put my money on a color, it would be top for you, though. What characteristics omit topness from me? There's no such thing. I have met cissies who love to, you know, raw dog.

And I, like, you know, make deposits. You know, somebody keeps a change. But, and I've met super butch dudes who are like, throw it in me, Janet. Yeah. I don't know why Janet. Karen. Karen. Jizzing me, Karen.

I, you know, there are, there's, and that was also my butch voice just so you know, jizzing me, Karen. That's, that's what I think Butch sounds like. You know, I used to, I say it on stage that I used to be able to smell a homo like a wet fart in a hot car. Like I... Yeah. Like I would just know if someone was gay. And now, like, the metrics are complete... Oh, is... Are you thrown off? A lot? I had a guy in my show at the show last night. He was fully wearing a tank top and cut off shorts. Were you in Williamsburg? No, in my show in the East Village. And I was like, this kid is so gay. And I was co-hosting

with like an old merry friend of mine. I've noticed since 94. Two old fags. I was like, look at this fruit. Look at this young fruit. Let's mentor her. He's like, nope, pussy hound. Like, loves ladies. That hipster shit. But it's that hipster shit. But guys are just embracing way more of like feminine culture in general, like just across the board. I mean, I built this Instagram account based on it.

Bros being basic. And they're not even necessarily mimicking stuff. Like they're really loving different clothes, different pampering things. It doesn't mean they're gay. It doesn't mean they're gay. I think things are just more acceptable. Yeah. Like it used to be like the tiniest little thing like that.

It's like, you're so gay. And now it's just like kind of the thing. Absolutely. And that used to. to hang over gay guys all the time, poor things. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's in one respect, I'm glad to see that people are allowed to sort of express themselves across

gender lines in a more sort of healthy way. But it's like, Jesus Christ, I can't tell who's gay anymore at all. At all. I genuinely can't. And I used to know every single time. And now I don't. It's like, you know, two guys will be sat together in the front row of any number of shows I host. Yeah.

And I'll be like, uh? Like, nope. Just friends, just buddies. I'm wearing a tank top and some key jean shorts. Exactly that. And I've met guys that just, I'm like, there's no chance that this guy's straight. Zero chance in my head. And I don't say I'm like the best at knowing that, but totally straight.

Super straight. I had a comic coming. He was not, he wasn't from New York. Someone had referred him. And I like, he comes in and he was so fruity. He was so, hey girl, hey. Yes. And then, and I was just like, you.

come here, my little angel, like, you are safe in my old motherly gay arms, my matronly, Eina Garton gay arms. And I, like, went into receiving that way and he was like, like, and then he like hit on a bunch of girls at the show, not, which I try not to, you know, allow. Right. It's like, let a girl work. Right. Type of environment. Yeah.

Like, the girls I book on my show are allowed to come and, like, they can court that as much as they want to, but they also get to just show up and work. Right. Sure. Yeah. I would like that. Yeah. No, no, no.

He was being a little extra in that way, and I was just like, how? How? Like, he looked like such a full-time dick kiss or such a full-time dick. I guess I probably wouldn't look at somebody's uniform of what they were wearing and decide for their hair. It wasn't as low-it-in-New York. No, it's, the clothing, I feel like all bets are off these days. Like, the guy's, the pink and the tight, no, no. It's just, but, like, the voice, the mannerisms, I've just been thrown off left and right.

100%. Like, I've been, we were all with a guy in Montauk, and I'm like, oh, you're gay friend. And she was like, he's married. a kid on the way. Well, that doesn't mean you're not good. It doesn't. Of course. I've just the more, I've been been getting the thrown off. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. Could you, because I've been in this situation, I think a lot of girls have stayed a guy like that? Could you date a guy that everybody thought was gay? Right. So, uh, one of my exes, people would like jokingly say it. And he embraced it. He said, he, like, would say he was a lesbian and he looked like Rachel Maddall.

It was his whole thing. He does sort of like, he does look like Rachel Maddolling. But it was, he still was like a lot of the like. Yeah. Yeah, you're not drawn. The voice in the manner is I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't, it wouldn't turn me. And I know women who are super into a femmy dude. Right. And I also think, listen, at different ages,

I would have given you a different answer to this question. Like, at my age, not that I'm like, you're 15 or 18. You're 16. It's, I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you. It's the brain. She's giving you young, honey.

At this age, I don't really care what somebody else thinks of my significant I'm the one that has to go home with them. As long as, like, everybody likes them thinks they're a nice person. I don't go shit if you think they're gay or not. That's realistic. You know? I don't care.

Yeah. And honestly, so long as they're being true to themselves. Do you know what I mean? Like, as in, that's all we can hope for. Right. For sure. Like, people aren't being impostors in their own lives. I mean, that's annoying. That is annoying.

If you're like, oh, everybody goes home and talk shit that, like, my man's gay. Like, I don't want that. But it's also like, whatever. I'm in a great. I'm in a good relationship. So whatever. If you're, you know, you know when you are, when you're surrounded by good people who embrace the choices you make and when you're not.

For sure. Yeah. I have a really good friend who just came out. He's 35. And he's always dating girls. He was dating a girl for about 10 years and then has dated other girls. And my whole life, I've been like, he's gay. He's like so gay. Yeah. But like, he dates all these girls that are like beautiful and successful. And in my mind, I've always just been like, maybe they're just into that kind of guy. But you know what it is, though? It's like, and so again, I'm a varsity gay. Do you know what I mean? What about I mean? Like, I'm not entry-level gay. Right. Yeah.

You have a gold star? I'm like a triple gold star. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you're not like new to this. And, and... Well, Gold Star means you've never had sex with a woman. I've never had sex with a woman. Oh, you're talking about like real terms?

Yeah. Oh, I didn't even know. I'm sorry. And double gold star means born by Caesarian. So, right, as in like, they've just never, never, never, right? You know what I mean? Okay, I didn't know any of this. Sure.

Okay. Sure. Okay. They've never. You don't have enough homo friends. I've tons of homo friends. Homo friends help. Yeah.

I, I, I, I, I, I bet you had lots of. I have plenty. I guess I never, I don't know, didn't hear that term. Well, and also it's like, it's the extent to which, like, how, how intrusive are you willing to be? Like, what kind of deep, probing questions? Like, my whole life, I haven't had a problem with being asked, you know, really

personal questions, but there are people who, you know, it's like, going, you're going to go up to a black person and be like, tell me about the black experience. You just wouldn't. Right. You would have a sense of maiden shame. Right. And be like, I'm not going to turn this person into the ambassador for their people. Well, I worked in restaurants my whole life.

So, like, in restaurants, people are hugely open about sexuality in general. I worked in a restaurant in Rojobah's Beach. Like, I've spent summers in Rojobah. It's like, yeah, it's just like, you know. Everybody works at the restaurant is gay. So I just have tons of gay male friends and have the ball in restaurant. And like, and, you know, you drink, you ask a lot of personal questions.

That's all. Well, and we obviously had you on here because you're comedian and like we, as comedians, we just air all of our shit. Like, it would be really weird to have somebody that we didn't know how private they were to ask them all these, like. Yeah. I don't think it necessarily helps to be that private. You know what I mean?

I feel like, you know, if everybody just puts their cards on the table, I think we can get to some sane, you know, solutions across the board. Yeah. What else do we have to talk about? Is there anything else? That's actually like a really good way to wrap up this part of the show. Are we sure? Good piece of advice.

Oh, I actually just have one more question. You guys are so sweet. By the way, I really, it's been a lovely time talking to. Oh, great. We really pride ourselves and people enjoying being in this studio. I totally agree. So we have a lot of gay male listeners that can relate. I think, I don't know, I think across the board,

where it's just human and dating and things like that. And so we're constantly talking about like apps, meeting people in the wild, off the apps and things like that. What do you see in New York City, in a big city, Boston, wherever you've lived? Do you think gay men have a, they do it a little bit better in the wild? Are they still out here with Grindr? Is that still a big thing?

Or do you just kind of see all of it? I mean, all, it's like, gay bars barely work anymore. I mean, like, so many of them have shut down because everyone's online. It's dial a dick. Absolutely. Would you, would you, would you shuffle your butt down to Domino's? Or would you just, you know, beep, boop and have a pizza scent to your ass. I'm from Pedro.

I love Domino. But I'm just saying, like, are you going to hop online? He wasn't just asking you if you like Domino's. And, like, and get exactly what you want in this sort of nameless, faceless way. Right. It's hysterical that you just were like, pizza. I love pizza. But you're, that is hysterical.

But do you hear what I'm saying? Did someone say dominoes? There's something nice about being able to just like get what you want. And I was in the early days of internet dating. Like I would pull people off of AOL, Craigslist, all of it. Yes. I would, you know, I'd cast a wide online net going back to like 94. Oh, wow.

Like the early chat rooms, girl, IRC fish. I was on, you know, I was in some shady, let's see what we got, no pictures. Like, it would have taken an hour and a half to send a picture. So, like, you know, you get there and it's like, oh. Every, like, five minutes. Like, you didn't just get catfished. You got, like, fucking Moby-Dict. You know what I mean?

Someone, like, murdered. Someone picks up the landline and you just get knocked off line. It's, like, the worst. And, like, eventually, this is what I mean by, like, rough and tumble. I would, like, specifically go for sex that fell. felt weird or like resume sex. Yeah. Like I would be like, of course this man who sent me a picture of himself in front of like

a ship's wheel. You know, with like 1970s hair. I'm like, of course I'm going there. Of course I'm going to put myself this absurd situation. And I would bike like 150 blocks. And then I'd get there and I would take off by clothes and be like, oh, you're way too hairy. He would shave one of my butt cheeks.

I'd pass out on his bed, wake up the next morning and go shopping. Like that's the kind of like, like, like butt cheek hair. With like one butt cheek shaved and call my, friends and be like, you won't believe what I'm not sporting is one cheek of hair. That's what I'm off. 1984 was wild. Were you the best one live in 1994? Oh, you sweet thing.

Really 96. If I'm being 100% real, 96 is when I think I was online stride. 95 was the best year. Clueless came out. It was like a big year. Like show girls and shit was big for me. Guys, we're talking. My intern Leah's in the studio.

You can just always assume there's another person in the studio. Hi, Leah's so sweet. She really is so sweet. That's who wasn't alive in 96. I'm not talking Ashley. I love this like just do whatever. But yeah, you're like, you're a man and you're like a bigger dude. Like, it's not scary.

Oh, it's scary. Have you been in scary situations? Are you kidding me? Like so many. Like I would say a third of the sexual situations I've been in. Wait, can you just give us one scary situation? Like you might get murdered? Of course.

I'm only drawn to people who might kill me. Oh, wow. Wait, can we, I love cults so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Murder. Yeah. I love murder. Yes.

And Colts and Come is Raina's Lifestal Blog. So, Cults and Come is... It's my new Instagram account. That's your weekly show. Look me up. That's your weekly show, Colts and Come. I love, I love both of those things, cults and come. But really, it's about a threatening man.

I love the idea of, like, a guy who looks off, like, shifty-eyed. Okay. You know what I mean? Like a pirate. Like bigger than he is smart. I love. Also, like, sort of unreconsiled rage is very sexually. So you happen in some scary situations.

Oh, absolutely. I love it. The green beret, and I had to, like, scare off his boyfriend, and then I brought him home. So danger really gets you going. I used to love danger. I used to love danger. And just the world isn't that dangerous anymore. Everyone's really tepid, you know?

Well, I think that your identity is out there. Yeah, more. Like, the first thing you're told, like, out of the womb is, like, don't get into a person's car and don't go to a stranger's home. And, like, the two most valuable companies in the world today, Airbnb and Uber. Roll, girl, that's an observation. You know something about me is I also, in addition to cult's income, big tech nerd? Yeah. Love tech startup books?

Sure. Okay. I'm done. Sure. Sure. Sure. But those are terrible dudes. Oh, the techie guys?

I mean, it's like, if you were socialized behind a computer screen, we weren't socialized at all. What do you think is we're a tech or finance guy? Both awful. But, you know, the... Let's make a list of professions that aren't, that don't make you horrible. That don't make you horrible? I'm a horrible man. Oh, they're all kind of shit.

I stump everybody in the room. Everybody stumped. Comedian? I would never date a male comedian. I've never set up a girlfriend with a male comedian. What do you think about that? What do you mean? I mean, most comics, we are like, I don't date other comedians.

Do you think male comedians are... Well, you know, it's... This is a... tough industry and it's like it's the kind of industry that you don't get to like really uh you don't get to sleep at the wheel and participate in it right you either have to go on the road or you have to be out a lot and horn your way into the scene and you know like I was just gone for six weeks for surgery and shit and then like I came back and like it was like people forgot I existed seriously it's such an engaged like seven nights a week seven nights a week job and it's not even like

PR girls that go out every night and they're home by like eight nine p.m. you're out all night every night. No, I get home at 4. Right, the show starts at 10. Yeah. Totally. I start, the show I'm hosting starts at midnight. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. And if no one drops in, I'll be home by 3. Right. You know? Yeah. It's that. It's that kind of a life. So it's not, it doesn't really lend itself to someone who wants fulfillment or like wants to engage with their partner. Sure. I have dinner with you at 6 p.m. like guaranteed every night. But Noah and I, we make it work. What is he? What's he did? He is like, he is a green energy specialist and a data master. He, he, uh, he, he, he, uh, he is a green energy specialist and a data master. He, uh, he, he, uh, he, he, he, he, he, he. Yeah. He sounds smart. He's the smartest person I've ever met.

He's terrifying. I love you or with somebody that you respect this much and you're this excited about. I love him so much. That's all we cannot hope for a lot of us. Six and a half years later, I'm still like Jesus Christ. And he makes me feel safe like family. That was the thing that sold me on him. And I give this to your listeners.

When the way he asked me to stay with him and be with him, he said, I want to build a life with you. His exact words were I want to build a life with you, which is. such a smart pitch. It wasn't too flowery. It wasn't like, it wasn't hopeful. It was like, we work. Let's be better than the sum of our parts. It's like practical and romantic at the same time. It was practical and romantic at the same time. And it was a total panty. But we always, we always say that. Like, you should be with somebody like, not in a gross way, but feels like family. It feels like home. Like, you know, you feel like totally completely safe. Like when there's

that ounce of like insecurity, get out of there. There's no reason to do that, right? Like the world is so rich and so full of fun and possibility why you would settle into something that was anything shy of. Every day you're doubting. Don't get me wrong. People are flawed. Yeah.

Right. That's different than feeling like your partner isn't checked in fully or you're not sure if you can trust them. We get so many emails every day. And people are just being like, I don't know when to leave this because it just doesn't feel right, but this person can't be for five years. Like, I don't know what to do it.

It is not uncomplicated. It's not. And there's this sense of like, is this the height of fulfillment? Could it be this other thing? I mean, we, that is always going to be there. But the reality is that I think that sense of safety and family and respect, I don't think those are so easily substituted. So when you find all of it, just stop.

Like, that is what you look for. A little bit. And then, like, if you still need to get your. rocks off, find a way to get your rocks off. Like, if I have the opportunity to find myself under Dwayne Johnson, I'm not going to not get plowed by the rock. Same girl. Do you know what I mean?

And every girl's boyfriend husband would let them do that anyway. You're plowed by the rock. You know. Yeah. Dwayne Johnson would destroy me. Can you imagine? I don't think it would work. Why not?

Why not? I don't know, because he weighs 200 pounds. Ariana Grande is tiny. N.P. David said. Did they have sex? Yeah. Huh? Did they have sex?

Uh, no, no, no. I can have sex with people and I'm okay. Just people that are as big as the rock. Just not twice. Or about the rock might have like a really girthy but not so long dick. Pete Davidson and Aaron and Ground Day, I can't wrap my head around. Like if he fully has a real 10 inch cock, like I can't. He has a meat, he has a meat stick is just based on my psychic abilities.

You know what I mean? I wouldn't like it to. Well, that's the whole thing. The whole big, big dick energy started about about him. Which, but I mean, that's, which is so ridiculous. I just, I remember. I've been talking basic energy for a long. I was like, oh, this is like a new thing.

Yeah, that's like, oh, this is like a new thing. It's like, some, some, I get it. Yeah, yeah. But my thing, I just, I remember when I watched the Kim Kardashian sex tape, like, I was like, Ray J's dick, I mean, both of her hands were on it and there was still extra room on the side. Sure, sure, sure. And it just can't go all the way in. It's not that great.

Physically, but like, a dick, like, I want a guy that's dick can fully fit inside of me. Like, have you ever heard about that? I think that I don't want to talk out of school, but there's like Vedic sexual practices where they say that, I guess there are like rabbits, dogs, dogs and horses. And rabbits should be with rabbits,

dogs with dogs and horses with horses. In the way that you have sex. Like if I have like a big old horse gina, I need a horse whang. Right sense. But like a bunny wang in my horse gina ain't going to work. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. As in like ideally you're going to find someone who, yes. Who fits you. But like there's no such thing as like a horse ain't. True. I'd like to think I have a rabbit anus.

Okay, on that note. It's mostly because I crazy glue cotton just above it. Right around it. On your shaved ass cheek. I do. On my shaved ass cheek. Like a little bunny tail.

Oh, for like, to like Halloween eyes your butthole? Yes. It's like the jazzling, but for furries, but like low-key furries. I can't commit to a whole costume. Rain also was a furry fetish.

Really? Sometimes I send Ashley randomly photos of people in costume having sex with each other. She's had multiple crushes on mascots this year alone. I love it. People that were college mascots, two of them. Back to back. Big Ten college mascots. Oh, when like, it's because it takes a certain athleticism to lug around that kind of a costume.

I didn't think about that. I just thought about the costume. So sometimes I'll send her pictures of like a bunny fucking a horse or something. That's crazy. Costumes, not real bunnies. I understand. Got it. Not bestial.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What is this about? You guys, thank you for having that. Oh, we're not done. I know, I know. We're not done.

I totally know we're not done. I was just exploiting the awkward. Thank you. Every week we play a game. We haven't played this game in a while. We like to design a game around a guest. So, we thought you'd be really fun for this. We're going to play Fuck Mary Kill.

And have you played this before? Of course. Okay. It's not, I mean, it doesn't take a Mets a member to understand it. Yeah. So we're going to lob three people at you. We have some different buckets of things we're going to talk about, and you're just going to tell us what you would do.

I love it. You want to talk through it, whatever you need to do. We want to hear your thought process, though. You bet. We'll come out of the gate hard with Fuck Mary Kill, murderer edition. Murder edition. As in, I don't just get to, like,

I have to actively kill this person. No, they're murderers. They're murderers. Yes. Okay, so. We like to have a theme. I love it. Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer,

Andrew Kunanan. Okay. Do you know who Andrew Kanan is? Of course. Okay. Some people might not know him. He killed Johnny. So Kunanan actually was around when I was coming out as a big homo.

And my best friend called me and she was like, Maron, be careful. Kunan will get you. She was like, girl, you need to, you can't just go around there sucking dicks. Kunan. Kunana was gay. He was super gay. He'll coon you. And Koon and Farsi is ass is the word for ass.

Oh shit. I swear to God. Like literally, the word for gay in Farsi is kuni, which means like an ass person. Oh, God. Yeah. I'm not even kidding. All right. Back to the game.

Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy was fat, wasn't he? No. Ted Bundy was cute. Ted Bundy was hot. He was hot. He was hot.

Can I just take a look at Ted Bundy? Totally. Who was the fat one? We did the attractive ones on that. Yeah, yeah. Jomey Gasey. John Wayne Gasey was also much older. And Jeffrey Dahmer also very young.

Jeffrey Dahmer had a crush on. I remember, like, when his picture came out. You know, if you can forget the fact that he's Zomified and ate people, if you could just, if you could put that to one side. Right. An objectively handsome man. Right.

We're asking you to put this to the side for all three of them. Really? Fuck Mary Kill. You gotta marry one of them. Okay, well, I mean, I need to see Ted. Is this bad that I have to look at Ted? No, go for it. Because it makes a big difference for me.

Because I can, I can marry an attractive, crazy person. Yeah. Ted Bundy. Oh, wait, Ted Bundy's like kind of really good looking. Oh, okay, no, no, no. No, he's a very white boy. face. I don't like white boy face. Yeah, same. Like his nose is too small. The features are unremarkable.

Do you know what I mean? Like, who cares that he murdered people? It's his features. No, no, no. He's just not good looking at afterbears. Okay. All right. So he's choice. Fuck Mary Kill. I'm going to marry Jeffrey because he was misunderstood. I would fuck Coonan because I've seen the penis. Oh, right. And Ted's dead. Okay. Fuck Mary Kill. Yeah. Brothers edition. Love it.

So we're going to hit you with the double T. Love incest. Okay, feel free to. Okay. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? Okay, I'm going to hit you. If you don't know who any of these people are, you just let me know.

Thank you. Chris and Liam Henworth. Okay. Hemsworth, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thor and. Miley's like the hottest two guys. Ever alive.

Alec and Billy Baldwin. Mm-hmm. Luke and Owen Wilson. And I have to pick. Yeah, you're going to have a three, way you're going to have a polygamous marriage or a double murder. Oh my God. And I have to keep the brothers together? Yes. You can't

like mix and match brothers. Okay. So the Hemsworths? You can't mix and match brothers. I can't. I mean, do you know what I mean? Can I break up a set? No, you can. No, this isn't a candy shop. Okay. Hemsworths, Baldwin's. Bowlesons. Oh, Wilson's. Oh, the Wilson's are dead. Okay. The Wilsons are, they're instantly dead. Okay. Perfect. Because you just don't care about them. You know what I mean? It just does do it.

No, no, no, I get it. It's like... You're already a comedian, you're funny enough. And like, you know. They're like try-hards, I get it. A little bit. Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean?

Like, how lucky does any one family get to be? So, the Hemsworths are... I'd marry the bald ones and fuck the Hemsworths. I think same. Same. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, yeah.

Because... They're much more, I mean, like, just the Hemsworths are so fuckworthy. Oh, it's crazy. You know what I mean? Like, they are. People that are that beautiful, like I'm very curious if they're good in bed. Because I just don't think you're keeping... They don't have to be.

That's why I'm saying. You have to be. Guys barely have to be good in bed. They barely do. At the end of the day, we make it work. That's the truth. I think. Very rarely does a guy actually do so much in bed.

The chemistry is nice and everything. You know what I mean? Well, I think men also are just bred with us. Like, they're going to come no matter what. So, like, they don't need to be like good in bed. I think guys need to be better in bed. I agree. They're going to come to me.

I think everybody should be good in bed. I just think that, like, men are like, I'm going to come 89% of the time. I don't have to try that hard, right? Women are like, I come 13% of the time. I'm fucking. I love 13. 13 is the number, too. Jews think it's a lucky number.

Okay, also, the Baldwin's the richest by far. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm in. Okay. I don't want it to all be about men. I want to paint you in a man box. Oh, I love it.

I love it. Female Comedian Edition. Ooh. Chelsea Handler. Okay. Amy Schumer. Okay. Sarah Silverman.

Oh my, I'd marry Sarah. Same. I'd marry Sarah so easy. That's like the easiest one in the entire world. Yeah. Marry the shit out of Sarah. Amy, like, she's, I, what's weird is that I've worked the seller now for years and I've yet to meet Amy.

Oh, really? It just genuinely hasn't happened. I've met everyone else. Yeah. And I just haven't met Amy, but everyone loves her so genuinely. Yeah. Well, now it's down to who you think it's going to be better and bad. be like here's it like yeah i know when someone isn't liked and everyone genuinely like they love her

like family right but don't you think chelzy haler would be naughtier in bed yeah that's what i think she would let you do like a ball gag and peg her i'd still i think um oh you know uh they'd both be they're both like such like actualized sexual women yeah that i would be intimidated to to perform for either one of them does that make any sense yeah yeah like they're both I'm sure they've both been sexed properly in this life. Right. Such that me as an amateur. Well, and Chelsea Handler was 50 cent and all that, you know.

Christ Almighty. Wait, what? Chelsea Handler is no slouch. They dated? Yeah. They do shit. I would bang Amy and I'd have to kill Chelsea. But I wouldn't want to, you know.

Right. I actually, I feel warmly about all three of them. We feel process of elimination is the best way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you want to fuck? Who's the rich? But I have to marry Sarah. I love her so goddamn much.

Speck of Dust is so fucking good. It's so good. It's so good. I watch it like three times and I, you can imagine I'm burnt out on comedy and I've watched it three times. Okay. Thank you for playing this. I'll do more if you, if you have one more. Do you have any more? All right, I'll throw one at you that we weren't going to use, but I like it because I just think it's fun. Well, it's fun to hear people talk through it. Um, okay.

Superhero edition. I'm such a nerd that people, like, people don't understand what a nerd I am. I'm like a video game superhero fucking nerd. Okay. Superman? Batman. Spider-Man. Okay.

Well, Spidey's dead. 100%. He's just dead. Don't even need to process elimination. Bless him and everything. But like that twink, millennial tease. Do you know what I mean? That's fucking a kind of red costume.

Exactly. Your pajamas does not a hero make. Oh, my boyfriend dresses like a spider on the weekends. Like, no, that's not like a sexy thing. But like Webb is kind of cummy. Now. Actually, Raina. Web is coming.

Webb is coming. Webb is coming. Web is coming. Are you rethinking this? No. If you have to dress up in a red leotard to jump across Bill and come out.

I want to get super mouth fucked and I want to live in Wayne Manor. Oh God, who doesn't? Right? And then marry Batman? Because he is like all the face. Money, money, money. Batman's got all the money.

He is Gotham. He is Gotham. He is Gotham. He is money. He is money. All right. With that, we're going to wrap up. You guys are so sweet for that time.

You are so lovely. I want you to plug all your things. Tell us where we can find. you. So the only thing, my shows, I'm very fortunate in that the shows I'm booked on professionally always sell out. But I do a free gig. I produce a show every Monday night in the East Village called Hush Money, where it's kind of like

a workout room for comics. It's like as open micy as I can get for the professional comics that I work with. It's amazing. I came like when I first moved here, I was like, what is this lineup on this like bar? show. This is crazy. It's an amazing show. It is an amazing show and I love doing it and I give the audience money. So, uh, which it's kind of like a magical thing where I, I want comics to be able to run their mouths and not feel like they're going to get snitched on. So it's hush money. And we pay everyone a buck and it's like, if somebody says something, you don't like, shh. You know what I

mean? I like it. You've been given a dollar not to drop a dime. That's how it works. And then, and so I love that show. And it's a bar called Pinks. 8 to 8.30, I give away free beer, 830 free show and then I give away money. It's the stupidest thing of the world that I do. I will be there every Monday. It's the funnest. 10th and first, pinks. Yeah, Monday night.

And then I'm at the, I'm at the seller a bunch. I work every club in New York City a lot. Okay. Do you have a website? I do. The Maron. And then it's Maron X on Twitter and the Maron on Instagram. I should have all these under one banner, but I don't.

Whatever. I just want you. We'll put you under our Instagram story too. But yeah. For the most part, I mean, if people are like, oh my God, I got to go see that guy. Anytime. Anytime. Pretty much for the most part.

You're at the seller. I'm at the celery a lot. All right. Thank you for being a guest in our show. Thank you, so much for having me. It's a real privilege being your first homo. Now let's get the outro music. We popped our homo chair.

You're on me. Guys, as always, follow us on Instagram. Girls Got to eat podcasts. Put us in your Instagram stories. I think I forgot to mention it last week. That doesn't mean you're off the hook. Do it.

Rate reviews. Subscribe. We'll give us a review on iTunes. Tell all your friends. Tell everybody you know. And please go online. look at our lists for live shows. We are coming to Atlanta, Chicago, and Nashville coming up.

There'll be more New York shows. That's Girls' Gotta Eat Podcast backslash show per tickets. Anything else? And then Girls Gotta Eat Podcast. Dot shop for your merch. Where to the shows? Can I say that I really feel you both? I didn't know how I was going to feel about you both, and I like you.

Who do you like you better? I really like you. I really like you. I think you're both actually like engaging. Who do you like better? But fuck Mary Hill. the three of us. Ooh, I'm sorry, honey, you're dead.

But then... She was born in 1998. Fuck Mary. She's the cum freak. You know what I mean? Oh, right. Oh, marriage material. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Perfect. I'm sorry, honey. But interns can't live. It's so love. That was marriage. That's my fan.

Okay. Bye. Bye.