Girls Gotta Eat - Hotter Sex Starts Now feat. Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Is it hot in here or is that just this episode? We are so excited to share our talk with Dr. Emily Morse of Sex with Emily about how to have hotter sex starting now (or your next post-pandemic opportunity). We cover taking control of your sex life, figuring out what you want in bed, how to spice it up with your partner in quarantine, tips for phone and video sex, managing a low sex drive/lack of desire, techniques for better oral, and more. We also catch up on ANOTHER of Rayna's exes resurfacing, which stage of the pandemic we're currently in (hint: citrus fruit), and Ashley's latest celeb crush (with a movie review, of course). Hope you enjoy! Follow Emily on Instagram @SexWithEmily and check out her podcast Sex With Emily. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Check our website for tour dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Everlane: Go to everlane.com/gge for a personalized collection + free shipping. FabFitFun: Use coupon code GGE for $10 off your first box at fabfitfun.com. Feals: Become a member at feals.com/gge and you'll get 50% off your first order + free shipping. Postmates: Download the free app and use code GGE for $110 of delivery credit for your first 7 days. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't know. What is the things that you've loved about guys that are a little bit, well, they have a job or whatever. What was the last guy he said? Tell me about your job. That pushes me over the edge. Job talk. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat. Week 7, that's all I'm going to say. It's depressing. It's actually less depressing because I thought that last week was week seven and I told you I'd been. I was like, I've been home for 52 days and you were like, I'm not trying to argue with you. But I was like, it's not an argument if you understand time differently than that. I was like, I hate to be a well actually person.

Well, I just have gotten my period twice. So it's like you're trying to not think. I tweeted, I was like, woman's brain. I'm just going to forget about how long we've been quarantined and just live every day. You know, and then a woman's body is like, here's your period again. You're cycled with the moon. It's just letting you know. I haven't gotten my period again.

I've only gotten to once. but thank God for that time because it's a little scared. Oh, God, right. All right, healthkeeping stuff. We always get out of the way super quickly. We told you last week, San Francisco would take a minute to go live. Those dates are live. All the information about our live shows is on our website.

And if you guys have questions, always reach out to the venues. Yes, and we're redoing our website. Yes. We just, you know, Janet just keeps throwing projects at me. I'm like, I just want a day off. And she's like, okay, but let's redo our website. And I'm like, I just want to relax. She's like, let's get some gifts.

We both wanted gifts. Gifts are coming, guys. You know what the worst part of these projects is, I know. I feel like every day I'm like, okay, so hear me out. But the worst part of these projects is like the website sounds so fun to me. And like we found this girl. She's so phenomenal. And then she sent us like homework for the website.

And I was like, I don't want to do any of this. It's like Q&A. It's like send me videos, send me photos. I'm like, I don't want to do any of this. I know. You do it. You're on your own. Use our Instagram posts.

Q&A yourself because I don't want to help. But anyway, your website coming soon. Probably not soon. Probably in six months. But anyway, keep a lookout. I think it'll be six weeks. Speaking of the website, I do want to throw in. You guys have stormed our merchandise website.

Thank you guys so much. You have been buying the stuff like crazy and tagging us. That is great. A lot of you've been emailing our customer support asking questions about, like, is there delays due to COVID-19? and things like that. Just in general, because everything of ours is custom made, it does take a little longer than like Amazon. You're not grabbing it off the shelf. So give us like 14 business days and then everything ships according to your shipping. I just wanted to let you guys

know that because, you know, 10 days go by and you're like, well, Amazon wouldn't have taken that long. It's like, well, we're not Amazon. Everything's customs. So I just wanted to throw that out there. Thank you guys for shopping. But it does take a little bit longer. That's all. Yeah. Amazon is so funny. Did you see that tweet or that meme that was like Amazon due to COVID, we're on shipping delays. You could receive your order in two weeks. And then also Amazon. Ha ha, just kidding. Bitch is on your doorstep. Go get it. Like what is going on? I, it's very weird. Even like my HelloFresh has arrived a day early Amazon. I'd order it. It's like it'll be there in a week and it's there that day. Like it's very funny. I mean, I appreciate the surprise. But stuff is sometimes stuff has taken so

long, you know, like, and I don't care. I'm not complaining. I order something from Gap. It took like a month. I didn't care. I mean, we're in a pandemic. But that other times it's like, surprise, we're here. I just think people are like, we have to lower everyone's expectations as month as possible. So like, I feel like I want to tell people it's going to take a month to ship. And then they get it in two weeks and then they're happy. It's like a restaurant when you are like, how long is the wait? And they're like three hours. And you're like, okay, I'll just go get a drink. And then 45 minutes are like your table's ready. It's always, that's, that's what you got to do in business. So guys, give us 14 business days. Your table will

be ready. Okay. So let's lower your expectations now by telling you that this episode is so stupid and it's mediocre and you're going to hate it. I'm kidding. I'm so excited about this one. We want to talk about the guest? Yeah, guys, maybe listen to this one alone or with your partner because you might get turned on. It's just three women talking about sex, but it is a hot one. I was editing it last. We already talked to her, Emily Morris of sex with Emily. And I was editing it last night and I was like getting turned on again. You were? Which part about the long day? distance, sex thing and stuff like that. Just like thinking about sex and missing sex and we talked about sexual experiences and the hot stuff you could do long distance. And I was just like thinking

about what I want to do with this imaginary partner that doesn't exist. And it's a hot one. I think that we, not to toot our own horror, I think we did a really good job like in terms of like what people are going through. So we covered like if you're alone, if you're long distance with a partner or if you're trapped with your partner. Yes, I can't think of it any other way as the trapped. It's not for me. But I think we covered the range of all those things. So like if you're sexually frustrated, we broke it all down. Yeah, low libido, half hard penises, all the things.

So she's wonderful. She is a sex expert and we'll talk to her shortly. I'm glad that you brought up partners and things like that. I've had a banner week of exes sliding back in there. Do tell. It's been, I feel like every week it's like, what your brain is exes have slid in all of them. Guys, every single one of them, except for the guy who we did the episode called You're Not the One about. And quite frankly, I did an episode titled, You're Not the One about this person. So I don't really expect to hear from him. He's not going to back. I can't imagine. And be like, hey, how are you? Okay. So just to catch you guys up, last week we talked to one of my terrible exes, this is the terrible ex right before him. This is the guy dated after college. There's 21 years old. We dated for like a year. So over a decade ago, guys, he slid in.

And I told Ashley, right, so you already know this, but he slid in and said, like, I listened to the podcast and I'm thinking about you and you look great. I'm like, yeah, no shit. So I left it on red. I didn't respond. And I didn't tell you this, but I got the funniest follow up last night. He was at the top of my DMs. And I'm like, why are you there? And he wrote, my bad, a friend of mine took my phone and sent that to you.

No. No. Bitch, we're under a quarantine. We're under a shelter. in place. Your friend took your phone. I don't even know where to start with this. First of all, you haven't taught. When's the last time you saw him? Saw him, I mean, eight or nine years ago? Like, it's after we broke up. So what happened here is that he felt like he went out on such a limb by even reaching out to you that he, he must have been sitting on that waiting for you to respond,

waiting for you to respond and when you didn't he had to go save face which is like you don't need to save face with somebody you haven't talked to in fucking 10 years dude like just leave it be what a lie my friend took my oh you was out at the bar this week all first of all you're not social distancing it's just a lie and I'm turned off right exactly even in your law that's what I meant in your lie you're not social distancing just lie better pretend you're socially distancing he has kids by the way me one of your fucking kids took your phone. I don't know. And type that out. You look great. I love his subtle. You look great. He's hitting on you. Okay. I am so dead. This is so embarrassing. He could have just left it. No. He had to go back in and be like, sorry, my phone got hacked.

Sorry, my friend took my phone. It's like, no, he didn't. At least make up a believable lie about your loser behavior. Okay. Next. I don't want to see you. And then the, is he stupid? He's pretty sharp. He's like the most. manipulative. He's like the most manipulative person. Thing to do. Like, to think that you would believe it. Like, you know, I'm an internet expert, right? You know, I know how these things work. Also, it was a DM. You could have just unsent it. Like, no, he doesn't know that. I think he's dumb. I'm sorry, no offense. I'm not offended. We dated when I'm smart when you dated. Maybe he's had like a head injury. I don't know. He sounds stupid.

And then the other guy that slid in was some guy who I was like crazy about, like so obsessed with. And he just like, episode? I mean, that was a... Which exactly episode was that? Oh, you know what it was? It was a bonus episode called Dodge That Bullet. And it was your final, your last story we shared too. And that was your final story that you really like this guy. But I mean, obviously, you're glad. It never worked out. But anyway, if you guys, if you're keeping up. Yeah, I mean, the short answer is all this guy did was fuck with me and I was crazy about him and he knew it. And he just fucked with me forever. So I haven't heard of him since September. Okay. And then he slid in

my DMs, he texted, I'm sorry, he texted me the minute I started it, Instagram live. The minute I started, they all fucking know. He said, I'm watching your live. And he was like, this is so funny. I hope you're doing well. Miss you, friend. And I was like, first of all, I don't know how they always know. I like blacked out. I was so annoyed. And it's like, if you haven't talked to me since September, just don't. Yeah. I'm not interested in you. Okay. Listen, I'm just going to go off a little bit about this and then we can move on. Okay. The hope you're staying healthy text is like the hottest text of 2020. It's like the new you up text. Okay. I know what you're fucking doing. And I've thought a lot about this and what the responses should be. And I know that like some of this is well intentioned. It's

like tone deaf at best. But like, listen, men, I understand what is going on in your mind. You're like this is this dystopian world is burning situation like imminent doom. It's making you be reckless. There's no long term consequences. Okay. I get it. Maybe you're just fighting off boredom, whatever the reason. I do not need to be the receptacle for whatever it is that you are feeling. Okay? Your messages are a non-essential service to me. Go off, sis.

Your messages are a non-essential service to me. He needs to apologize to me. Can you please respond this is not essential? You are a non-essential service to me. okay I can't believe I don't need none of us need this and like I I started thinking like we don't want listen if this some people want to reconnect I know this

some of it's like well intentioned but I think that like you should ask yourself like was this a healthy person in my life does this person ever make me feel good and take yourself out of like Corona like what is the long term consequences of talking to this person and I think like nine times out of 10 it's not a good thing and no response is the response 100% yeah I just don't understand the goal with these guys. It's not to get back together. It's just, they're just so

lonely and bored, I guess. Like, it's so pointless. What are you doing? It's all it is. It's not because, like, you're so special and they miss you. If they missed you, they should have missed you before this was happening and talked to you that. Yeah. Yeah. It's so crazy. But it's like, read a book. What are you doing? Uh-huh. I don't know. Oh, my gosh. Well, I, you're still in the X portion of the pandemic has never ended for you. But I noticed where we're at this week in terms of food. You are kind of doing some cute stuff on our Instagram story of like, what are you guys making for breakfast? And I was inspired. And I posted something that I'd been eating probably the most often. I just make avocado toast with a hard boiled egg on top because we always

have hard boiled eggs in the fridge because my dad makes them every Monday. I don't know. It's this thing. So I posted that. I was like, what are you guys eating the most? And And I got the funniest answers, of course. It ranged from, like, fancy shit to, like, dick, to, like, Pringles to margaritas. I mean, whatever, you guys, it was very funny. But overwhelming oranges. Orangees, oranges. I can't even, we are in the orange portion of the pandemic.

The girls were writing the craziest stuff. Like, I just discovered how lit oranges are. I can't stop eating oranges. I had a whole box of cuties. Like, it is out of control. People are, oranges are everywhere. And I'm like, did you guys not know about oranges? Oranges are such a standard fruit.

Hello, apples and oranges. They're like the two most common fruits. I love oranges. I've been on that orange game my whole life. I used to eat so much oranges and so, I used to drink so much orange juice and eat so many oranges when I was a kid. I developed an allergy. Like, citrus fruits are my thing.

And everybody's out here discovering oranges? I had no idea that oranges were having a moment. Okay. You know, I just started having a moment. You know I stay on trends, okay? Every single person on earth is growing romaine on their porch, okay? Coffee milk makes me want to throw up. I stay on trends.

I'm trends on trends. I had no idea that oranges were having a moment. Girl, literally no idea. And I wouldn't just be saying this if it was like three responses. It was overwhelming. And then people started tagging me in their orange stories. I was like, this is wild. Okay, I'm going to tell you something about myself that you probably don't know.

You know that I don't like oranges, but I'm going to explain. Listen, I have to tell you. I love orange juice. I love it so much. I can't get enough of it. I crushed a whole thing of simply orange orange juice yesterday. The whole bottle. Every time I went in there, I was like, Raina, stop, but there's nobody here to stop me. But I hate oranges. What is that? So weird. You really just like, okay, well, I know you don't like to do any work. You don't like to suck corn or peel shrimp or pick crabs. Is it that? Or do you just really not like, if I handed you a peeled orange that was like perfectly peeled, no seeds, no, no skin on it, like pulpy shit on it. Would you like it? Okay. Thank you for seeing me and hypothesizing because like that is spot on. I won't eat wings either

or bone in fish or really bone in anything. I won't do it. But no, if somebody hands me a plate of oranges, I think the exoskeleton on oranges, I just don't like it. It's just I, I don't like it. It's just I, also I don't like beans or peas and it's the same reason. I just, I don't like that like, I don't like the skin on the outside of it. So maybe that's it. Okay. But I'll fuck with some orange juice. You do.

Yeah. Pretty much every time you would come over to record, you had orange juice on your person. I didn't know you even noticed. Orange juice and goldfish. Always. Oh, I didn't notice what you brought to my home. I love oranges. I remember we used to see each other?

Yeah. Oh, my God. I can't. Okay. Well, orange, that's, we're in the orange portion in the pandemic. I wanted to give one quick review. of a TV show and a movie. The movie's not that old.

So I'm going off brand a little bit. It's only four years old. But, okay, what I just watched finished in fall was Hulu's high fidelity. And it is loosely based off a movie from 2000, which is pretty unbranded for me 20 years ago, that was John Cusack was starred as the main character. But in the Hulu's version, it's a woman. And Zoe Kravitz plays the lead. So kind of like his character. I haven't seen the movie.

You don't need to see the movie to watch the show at all. So it's filmed in New York. She owns this record store in Brooklyn. And it's basically about her going through her top five heartbreaks and kind of reliving them all a little bit and also dating along the way. And it's just so good. And she is so Carrie Bradshaw. Like no one has been more Carrie Bradshaw since Carrie Bradshaw than Zoe Cravitz in this film. Not only are they like a similar like build.

They're like super petite. and hot and they have like crazy kind of hair like they're both so flawed can be a little self-absorbed at times and just overthink everything and um she's just like going through all these dating situations and heart breaks and there's sort of a mr big type character but it's not really like it the same and they're sort of an aided it's it's so good i i finish the whole season my mom and i watch it together i cannot recommend it off so i love it it's like so so good i really can't wait for you to watch it i feel like you and your mom are like crushing new hits Like, I feel like on deck now, because you have little fires everywhere, I have high fidelity,

and also I want to get into Killing Eve and Ozark. And I feel like all I'm doing is watching below deck. Like, I can't stop. And I feel like it's because there's no one here that's going to judge me for it. Like, you at least are in a home with another person. It's like, let's do a cool new thing. Yeah, we'll live your truth, obviously. Watch whatever fuck you want. I'm just, I am not big on Bravo reality shows anyway, except for Summerhouse, obviously. But I just, I'm so excited for you to watch high fidelity. I think you're going to love it. But an actor in High Fidelity is going to dovetail into my movie review. And that is someone that Zoe Kravitz kind of dates in the show, played by Jake Lacey,

who we both had to Google who that was. You guys know who he is. And he was on a seasonal office, I guess. He was on two of the most iconic shows of all time, The Office and Girls for multiple seasons. And I had no idea what his name was. So he plays kind of a similar character to who he plays in one of my favorite. movies, which I'm going to review now. And that is how to be single. And this, again, this isn't really on brand. And it was only four years ago. But I love this movie so much. And I feel like a lot of

people don't know about it. You haven't seen it. I don't know the people have seen it. And I just need to tell you that I highly recommend it so much. This came out in February of 2016. And I know that because I hosted a premiere in Atlanta. And I had just got broken up with my boyfriend at the time. He broke up with me. I was in a dark place. I posted the movie. I posted the movie. movie poster for how to be single on my Instagram and he called me and started screaming at me. And I was like, well, guess what? I am single because you broke up with me.

And this is fucking insane. And it was crazy. He later apologized. I walked out of that movie and felt like really re-energized and inspired in a dark time. Clearly not enough to not go back to him. But anyway, I loved it so much. It was pivotal to me in that time.

It's so good. Dakota Johnson is so good. Rebel Wilson's in it. Leslie Mann is in it, who I love everything. Leslie Man is in. And then Jake Lacey plays her love interest and her storyline is so great where she has this baby. And it's these two, you know, these girls run around in New York. And it's really, it's fun.

It's lighthearted. And then the message that it sends is unlike a lot of other movies, including he's just nothing into you and others that like have to end with this love story. I'm not going to give it away. But the message it sends is really uplifting for women for single women. And I love it. I can't recommend enough. So that's my movie review.

both of the and high fidelity and uh how to be single both have jake lacy who is my new crush i have to tell you while we're on the jake lacey movie hour i'm going to do a movie review as well we're only going to talk about jake lacy movies because this is one of the best movies i feel like a lot of people hadn't seen it it's jenny slate obvious child have you ever seen this no i meant to watch it i haven't seen it he's in that too he's in that and he put listen he plays the same character in every single show he's always the same character and i love him so much like the thing when he's in how to be single because i want to wrap this other and then I want to turn it over to you.

How to be single. There's this part where he says he's dreamed of being a stay-at-home dad his whole life. It is so fucking funny. He's always this sweet guy. Also, if you don't like how to be single, I don't fucking care. I literally don't care. You don't need to DM me. Some people don't like it.

I don't care. Movie tastes is subjective. I love it. You don't have to like it. I recommend you watch it. If you don't like it, don't DM me. Are people out here sending messages to total strangers just to let you know that they don't like a thing that you like?

I don't know. I'm surprised. I don't know why I'm surprised. The things that people are. slide into my DMs with about things I literally don't care about is crazy just to insult me. She was like, ugh, I hate Crocs. I'm like, I literally don't care. Okay, keep going. Thank you so much.

I just, it makes me laugh because it's like the Jake Lacey review hour because first of all, no one knows who that is. But do you Google him? You're like, oh, I've seen him in everything. He always plays the same person. It's like inexplicably hot guy that doesn't know he's hot. So he's like such a nerd. He's always in khakis.

He's always in khakis. He's always seen khakis. seen in high fidelity. It's like a date she goes on post breakup with like her smoke show of a love of her life guy. And Jake Lacey, they're at this bar in Brooklyn, like a die bar and he's in like a vest. Like that's his character. He looks like he'd be like an asshole finance bro. But in fact, he's this sweet teddy bear. Yeah, he plays the same exact role in obvious child. Uh, it's a real. I love Jenny Slate. I love everything that she does. I just could listen to her voice forever. She is a New York City comedian in Brooklyn. Oh, yeah.

And she meets him. He's at a Brooklyn bar in khakis. And, oh, my God. Can someone please send this to Jake Lacey if you know him? We love him. They fuck and she gets pregnant. And, like, that's what the rest of the movie is about. It's about her, like, struggling with being pregnant.

She is so great and funny. And it's, like, a lesser-known movie. I think it was just, like, an indie movie. It's from 2014. It's about the New York City comedy scene. It's about getting pregnant to somebody who will one-night stand with. And just navigate.

It's like one of those like painfully awkward, funny things where he's just like a nice guy in khakis. I suggest you guys watch it. You guys also Jake, Jake from State Farm wears khakis, khakis. And now Jake, like, why is Jake the standard name for khaki wares? You guys, if you want Jake to slide in. I want him to be like, bitch, I'm not that nice and I don't wear khakis, okay? Ever, I wear great sweatpants. I don't want it.

I want exactly who he is in the movies. And if you guys finish the Jake Lacey trifecta, which is obvious child. how to be single and all of high fidelity. Please let us know. Tag us in the story. Team Jake Lacey on this podcast. I love it so much. I was laughing so hard because I was like,

when you were like, I had to tell you this movie I like that he's in, I was like, please don't say obvious child because I want to review it. It's so great. But you have not seen how to be single. No, I feel like I watched previews and I was like, I don't care about this. And I like the endorsement from you that like it's different than like the average, ridiculous rom-com.

And I love anything about girls in. New York City. Yeah. And then also, oh, the other storyline that I love in that movie is Alison Brie, who I love, who was, um, Glow, the lead in Glow. And Jason Manzukas or, man, I hate, I can't ever say the last name, who I love. Man, Sucus. And their storyline is so good.

She, like, has this meltdown and he sees her in her, like, lowest moment and they start dated. Anyway, the whole movie, I hope you guys love it. If you don't, don't damn me. All right, guys, we've given you homework for the week. Jake Lacey is your homework for the week. I am so excited. So is Ashley.

We both are. We have a super sexy episode for you guys today. We have in the house of us. She is an author. She is a doctor in human sexuality. And she is the host of Sex with Emily podcast as well as the Sirius XM radio show Sex with Emily that Ashley and I have actually been on. Please welcome to the show, Dr. Emily Morse.

Hello. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. I'm so excited. I know. We've already recorded with you once. It was so fun. We came at night to serious.

Right. Yeah. It was like, nighttime. It was like nine o'clock. It was like a whole thing. Yeah, it was like nine o'clock. Yeah, because it's eight to ten east. Wait, I'm going to tell you guys.

I'm going to tell you the story. We came on your show. It was late at night. I was like, I don't need to bring anything. I didn't even bring like a purse. I was like, I'll just walk up at the time. Sorry, I know. Sorry, guys.

I know the story comes. I was like, I don't need to bring anything. I'm just going to pop up there. Ashley and I'll walk home, whatever. We went to do your, and you gave us sex toys. I did. On your show. Was it the womanizer?

I think he gave me the womanizer. Maybe my necklace. And I didn't have a bag. So I had to walk all the way home holding the womanizer. So we walked from from Midtown to the East Village because it was such a nice night. It was like kind of the beginning of fall or spring or whatever. And Rana had to like take the packaging off her womanizer and just like put it in like my bag or her pocket or something and like carry it.

home. That's so funny. I always give toys. Like if you guys, if it's your birthday and I'm seeing you invite me to your party, I always bring something pleasurable because I'm like, no one needs a new candle, unless it's a massage candle, but I always give toys. And I was great for you on the show, so you should leave with some pleasure.

That's hilarious though. Oh, yeah, I was so excited to tell you the story. I love that story. I mean, yeah. But people, it could be a good conversation starter if they know what it is, but I get it. You don't need everyone to know your business. That's hilarious. That's hilarious.

Well, we have you. talk a little bit about yourself and introduce yourself, but we wanted to have an episode where we talk about sex and we know people always want to talk about sex, but specifically, like, people are quarantined with their partner or without their partner, they're having sex, they're not having sex, we thought you'd be great. And we wanted you to just talk a little bit about who you are and your expertise. We always say, like, what gives you the right? So like, how are you a sex expert? And what's your background? Really quick, let me just jump in. I just have to say, I know people are going to be like, why don't you say sex expert instead of sex expert? And I personally just don't

like words like that. I think they're kind of cheesy and it's like fashionista. Like I don't, I don't care for that kind of language. I just don't really like it. I don't know. Emily, how do you feel about it? I don't love it. Okay. I get it's easy to say. I don't, I like sex birds. Like saved you time. Okay, cool. So we're not going to use that word. No offense if you love that word. Live your truth, but we don't like it. Okay. So back to you and your background. What's on background? So my background is I am a, I have a doctor in human sexuality, but I realized how I got into this career is that I was really confused by sex. I thought that sex should have been a lot more interesting than I had heard.

And I started having sex and I wasn't having orgasms. I wasn't. I have a lot of pleasure. And it's not that it was bad, but I was like, you know, my boyfriend would come in from, we were at separate schools when I was in college and you start pounding away at me, like the jackhammer. I'm like, I said to my friends one day, is this really what sex is all about? Because it's really not that great.

Like I can't wait until it gets to like the cuddling. part. And my friends are like, well, don't you ever, haven't you ever masturbated? Have you ever, like, had an orgasm? And I was, like, shocked. Like, I literally did not know what those things were either one of them. And I, like, grew up in, like, a nice Jewish home. My mom was like, whatever you, if you have questions asked me. But what I realized was, I didn't have the questions to ask and I didn't know what it was. So years later, I decided to 15 years ago, sex had gotten better. I'd figured out orgasms, but I thought, you know, I was at this point where I thought, how could it be better? Maybe, maybe.

Because I used to think, well, everyone else is having orgasms and everyone's enjoying it. And I thought, well, what if I could become really great at sex and then teach others how to do that? So I was like, I'm kind of an overachiever, but I'm like, well, I think in my brain it could always be better. So I started a podcast in my living room 15 years ago. And I started interviewing everybody knew about their sex life and their relationship. And when someone was like, I had great sex, I was like, back up. Like, what do you mean? Like, was his penis double-jointed?

was he swinging from the rafters? Like, did you have 86 orgasms? What does it mean to have amazing sex? And so I've, since then, I've done thousands of podcasts. I went back to school and got my doctorate, and I now have realized what it means to have incredible sex, and I'm able to teach others through podcasts and radio and books and everything. And I love what I do.

So really, I'm like, it's an anthro. Yeah. That's my story. I was like, I was faking orgasms. I thought that, like, men had all the power. Like, I thought that men got shipped off to some secret school. where they were like, this is how women work, because I didn't know. So that's the story. I love that. Actually, and I always sort of say, I mean, I can't speak freshly, but for me,

like, I didn't really even realize sex was for my pleasure until, like, my mid-20s. And I loved sex. I've always been really sexual. I've always masturbated. But it was just sort of like the goal of sex was like to get to the part where the men come and then sex is over. You know, I didn't really realize it. Well, and it's also, I feel like it has to do, you get molded by those first sexual partners at such a young age. So the guy that I lost my virginity to, like maybe two months before we even had sex, he was like going down on me. Like, do you remember the first time a guy went down on you? You're like, what are you doing?

Like he was a pleasure giver. So I felt pretty lucky. Like I had this great boyfriend who was like, let me eat you out in high school. And I was like, okay. And you were down with it. See, most women are like, what are you doing? This is, you can't possibly want to be down there. So that's great that you're like.

Yeah, it was now that I, the more I think about it, I'm like, he really was a perfect first partner, you know? Yeah, we do get shaped by that. I love this for you. The one that got away. I'm kidding. I feel like if I met somebody that told me they were a sex expert, I'd be so nervous to have sex with them.

I'd be like really in my head. Like, am I doing it right? Well, this is what happens. This is literally the one of the top. questions I get asked is like are people intimidated to date you because of that and now I used to like no I'm like the most chill like it's my job like like if I went out with a dentist I wouldn't you know I wouldn't expect to be like over your teeth like did you floss like what's what I mean so just what I do but I'm not sitting there like going like to the left you know to the right like when

we're having sex however come to find out that yes it's intimidating for people to think like what she going to do and is she going to talk about it and write about so well before we get into but I don't really know your relationship status. Are you single, dating, your boyfriend? Have you been married? I don't really know. I know. Let's talk.

I've never been married. Marriage was never something that I've prioritized or children. Yeah. I was always like, not interesting to me, not on my list. And I've always been very driven by like my purpose, which is like, what can I do that's going to like change the world and where I'd be learning? Other people are learning. And then I started this.

And I was like, oh, this is my path. But I am dating right now. I'm like dating a few people. people right now I'm alone in quarantine. One's living in a tree in South Africa and the other one is somewhere else. So yeah. Raina, that sounds like your vibe. You got to meet him, you guys. It's amazing.

I might try to fuck him though. A tree person really does sound right at my alley. He might. It's cool. We're open. I know where the likes trees though. That's weird. Yeah, but like tree, like if he has tattoos and a like a scruffy beard, look out. We'll talk after. It's cool. We're open. I'm open. So I'm just like, yeah. But I've dated, you know, I actually took a year off from dating last year. I took like a year off where I decided.

And these are important. I called them mandatorium. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to, because I'm going to just think about working on myself, working on, like, I just started the show on serious. Things were getting busy. And I thought, I just want to go inward, figure out what else I need to know about myself to find those partners that were interesting to me.

And I just sort of, it was an interesting practice. I did have sex with my acts a few times just for maintenance. you got to tune the car up. Come on. Check the oil. Check the oil. Right. Right. Because make sure we're all still going to get out. And then I was like, we're, because I think that sometimes what I used to do is I'd go from one relationship to the next and there wasn't space in between to think like, well, what did I learn from that guy? What do I want in the next relationship?

And so then when I started dating again, it's like you feel so much different. I felt like such a fresh perspective. So now I'm out there day. We're really excited to have you today because I think there's some topics that have been coming up with. couples since this quarantine situation that are just evergreen situations that happen all the time. So I'm definitely want to talk to you today about libido and sex drive and initiating sex. I want to talk to you about video chat type of sex and then just orgasms and confidence and all kinds of stuff. We're going to talk about a lot of stuff. But we pulled our listeners and asked people

like what they're really wanting to know from a sex expert. And overwhelmingly what came up over and over is stuff about libido and initiating sex with a partner not wanting to have sex or the partner not wanting to have sex, sex drive in general. And, you know, I think we can talk a little bit about how what's going on in your life affects those things because I think probably your answer will have a little bit of a difference in, you know, normal life versus right now. But I would love to touch on those type of topics with you. Sure. So where do you want to start? Oh, so, well, here's the thing. What I'm hearing from people is I'm not hearing that there's any new problems like oh you know all of a sudden I don't want to have sex or something weird's happening it's more like it's kind of like the elephant in the

room so if you already were struggling in your relationship and now you're quarantined together and you have no space and there's no break it's just going to exacerbate any other problems that you were already having so I think that couples are really forced to figure out right now well if we don't have we can to start with those couples who are quarantined together is that learning how to set boundaries and have conversations around like, okay, I actually need space. I'm going to go on, I'm going to go for a walk without you. I'm going to have this room and I'm going to put up a sign on it. If the candle is lit or there's something on the door, do not walk in. You know, if this lamp is on, I need like hours of space and time. Because what happens is like love is all about connection and intimacy and romance and we share everything.

but lust and romance and sexiness comes from space, right? So think of a fire, like the fire flames needs oxygen, the fan of flames, but if we're not giving it, we can't smother it, then it goes out. Right, we are smothering each other, and we are dying, and we can't get it up. So it's really a matter of pulling back, setting boundaries, and saying like, and acknowledging it and saying, like, I'm not feeling it right now. So once you do that and you figure out like everyone needs to help around the house, I think there's sometimes with women and we have to do everything.

We have to do it all. We're cleaning or whatever. So if that's the problem, split up the tasks and the chores and make sure that you're not feeling overburdened. But also, you guys, we are responsible for our own to turn ourselves on. It is not our partner's responsibility. And so our brain is the largest sex organ. So what can you do to keep that fire, your pilot light lit?

how can you think about like well I you know sex be get sex what if you say I'm going to masturbate you guys have toys right or I don't know if I'm talking about both of you because you guys are I'm talking about people in relationships right now but your own masturbation but even across the board like you went through a period where you went through a period where you felt you like you weren't even feeling like you want to masturbate I mean which is fine because it doesn't affect another person but I'll cross the board libido being now I have to remember too and I literally I could pull up like 16 bags of sex toys around me because I was doing like an instillive with it it's like sex begets sex and having sex releases dopamine which actually makes us happier and so the more you have sex you're like oh yeah that orgasm felt really good whether we're alone or with a partner so i have to do that as well and it's make it easier i tap it onto other routines so maybe at night before i'm going to bed like i'll get myself an orgasm but if we're with a partner take time for for masturbation or bring in your toys or you know if you are people learn in different ways so Some couples love to listen to, like, a lot of people have been telling me that they listen to my podcast together. Or for years, couples use it as like a mini sex therapy.

They're like, we binge on it because then you could stop it and be like, well, Emily says, maybe we should try anal or whatever it is. Or maybe they want to read erotica together, like get in the bathtub and like hear words because that really turns me on. Or they're experimenting because the other thing we need right now is variety. Because variety across the board, if we are bored and we're having sex in the bedroom, steering at the same ceiling and the pile laundry in the same place, that's friggin' boring. So that sounds so, I'm like turned off hearing you even describe the room. You're happy to like America or wherever, everywhere. I actually do like to masturbate more, like when my room is clean.

I feel that sounds crazy when I have like a clean space. Like light a candle. Like I think there's so much to that. Like don't have, don't fuck by the dirty laundry pile. You know, like we're in quarantine. The smallest things can even get us excited. Like literally a new candle. like order a candle when it arrives you're like oh my god it's here it's true right dumb shit like

that because you know why candles are so good and music so i'm kind of going back and forth here because this works if you're in it or alone with a partner or you're with yourself is that whenever we can ignite even if we're feeling down or depressed or bummed like when you can ignite all your senses so now i come in and i like light my atomizer the you know the essential humidify the essential oils air purifier with essential essential oils like eucalyptus but even just like lighting a candle because then we got our senses going right we can smell something and that can kind of elicit for you to feel more calm or you're playing some music in the background that gives you some kind of like calming you know like you got music and then you've got sound

and then you've got you know whatever you're tasting like you know chocolate or whatever makes you feel good and then sensations like i'm sitting on like a furry chair like i need like furry like faux fur everywhere just makes me feel good tactile things so those things really really ground you all the five senses when you ground yourself in them you're like you're very present and it also can kind of get you in the mood for sex for masturbation like I have a candle I light when I masturbate when I have sex and that like it's come to be sort of like this Pavlovian I'm getting ready to to do it and I play my music so all those things if you're not feeling it can kind of propel you forward to be like let's do it because for couples who are bored you know getting outside the

bedroom being like okay the candles lit here's our playlist we're ready to go and also again, when I'm saying not relying on your partner, like for women, I think we do this a lot that we just expect they're going to initiate and they're going to do it. But again, keeping our pilot, let masturbating, coming up with variety, bringing a toy in, dirty talk, role play, a book, a podcast, whatever, something new. I have a question in relation to what you're saying. I'm curious what your take is on this. And a lot of people were talking about their sex drives. And I think probably people are lacking sex drives right now because they're sick of smelling their partner shit all day long.

they're depressed and that wouldn't want to make me have sex either. I mean, I think that like when I'm depressed, I don't want to fuck. So, um, but in general, like, let's, let's like blow this outside of quarantine. Like in general, um, I'm curious what your take is just on sex drive in general. Like, if you're a person that just doesn't have much of a sex drive, is there a point to doing all these things? The dirty talk and the toys and like, what if you're just like, I don't like this stuff? It's just not for me. Like, how do you explain that to a partner? Well, I feel like sex is a requirement and relationships. So you want to have sex with your partner.

And so, like, you can't just be like because then you're roommates, right? So the thing is, what I hear, and I would say it's the top question I get asked besides the one earlier, like about men intimidated to date me is that's one thing. And then it's like, what do we do if we don't want sex at the same rate? Which is called mismatched lipidos or desire discrepancy. And I just want people to know that in every single relationship that is going to, exist. They'll be the high desire partner and the low desire partner. And the low desire partner has the power because the low desire partner gets to decide when we're in, when we're out, when I'm ready, when I'm not. And so it's up to them to decide then, like how they're going to

somehow, some way, figure out a way to connect intimately. So it depends what it looks like, because I find for a lot of women, like if you rule out so there's medical, like let's talk about things that caught, should we talk about the things that cause low desire first? Yeah. Because that's, okay, so, let's get into the medical things. Antidepressants, which like two out of five women are on antidepressants. Are we talking to women too?

Like, I'm going to go with women right now. Pretty female audience. Yeah. But a woman dealing with a man, a man on antidepressants as well. I mean, we have guy friends. They can't come. They don't want to have sex, you know, so it's across the board. It's across the board.

Yeah. So it's, it's antidepressants. a lot of different medications, birth control pill, depending on the birth control pill you're on. Obviously, like, anxiety is our number one killer of our sex drive across the board. It could be resentments that we're holding on to our partner, like if the trust was broken, someone cheated. You weren't able to actually communicate something that had happened that really pissed you off, and then you just passive aggressiveness and all those behaviors will start to build, and you're like, I do not want sex with this person. And so all of these things kind of keep building,

these walls where we're just like, this person's not attractive to me. I'm not interested in them. So those are all the things that happen over time. Why we don't, those are just a few that came, that, why we wouldn't want to have sex with our partners. Now that said, we're with our partners, right? We still love them, I believe, if we want to stay in their relationship. So we have to kind of figure out, well, what will get me there? Like, or if you rule, let's say you rule those out though, like, because those are all real things. So it's like, how do you overcome those? Now, if you're on an antidepressants, for example, talk to your doctor about maybe going down a little bit and, like, adding something else in that doesn't cause the loss in libido.

If you're having resentments with your partner, get into therapy and figure out how to, like, how are we going to communicate? How are we going to get past these things? Because I hear this all the time from my listeners, like, somebody cheated, right? And they're like, well, it happened a few years ago and I totally forgave them. What do I do? And it's like, it's not just words. When someone breaks trust in a relationship, you cannot rebuild.

it on your own. You actually need therapy. You need like a third party to help you. If you are stressed and anxious, just voicing that to your partner as being like, I'm really not in the mood right now. I'm dealing with anxiety. And then you kind of figure out like having words. So they're not, because what happens is with a low desire partner has the power because they're always saying to the partner, no, no, no, I'm not interested, right? So we have to kind of get these work around. So I believe going back to your question, Marina, it's like, I believe that you can't just opt out of sex. You can't say we are no longer in a sexual relationship.

We're just going to be friends. It's not going to fly. But what you can do is like, I'm willing to work on once a week. We do it. And here's the time we're going to set up a, we're going to have like a date night where we know that it's happening.

Or I know that I need this toy and I need to masturbate. I need to be watching porn. I need you to tell me I'm hot or whatever your love languages are. But I think that it's okay not to want it 24-7. I don't believe anybody does, but I do believe if you're in a relationship

trying to find ways to be sexual, even if it's not intercourse. Maybe it's mutual masturbation. Maybe it's other things. So we have a lot of younger listeners, and it could also just be that they haven't had good sex yet, you know, like you go through these terrible sexual experiences when you're young, you're always drunk, guys are just pounding away. Like, you could have just kind of not gotten a good partner yet. And maybe you don't, maybe your current partner isn't really speaking your language.

And so do you feel like there's a scenario in which someone just has a negative you a sex, assault too. Like if you've been through that, that's a different scenario. And again, a reason why you could be turned off from sex, but just you've never really enjoyed it. I'm so glad you said this because that's exactly. So for so many women, and I see this in women who are 18, and I see the women who have been married for 30 years, they no longer want to have sex because it was actually

never that great. They've never had orgasms. It wasn't interesting. They're like, why would I? So would I have like men calling? they're like, my wife won't go down on me and she never wants it to have sex. I was like, well, do you know if she has orgasms?

Does she like, I think so? I'm like, well, if you don't know after 30, I don't know. So women don't know, and this is at all ages that they literally just think that sex is what they've seen in porn because we know that sex education is abysmal. But if you haven't actually enjoyed it yet and you have never had orgasms,

you haven't learned to communicate what you want, and you're like, here I go again, I got to give them a blow job, and then I got to wait from to pound away at me, you're going to be like, I do never want to have sex again. Like, this is not interesting to me. And so the main thing we have to do now is educate everybody on the planet that there's a lot

to learn about sex that you do not know yet. I guarantee you that you don't, that you haven't learned what you need to know. And most of that education comes from understanding our bodies first. So, like, for women, if you're not enjoying sex, I'm going to say this again. It's up to you. It's not that your partner has the key. Like, I always thought that, like, someday my prince will come and some, so will I? Like he's going to ride up. I really believe that until I was like 25.

Like he's, I haven't had the right guy yet. Like he's going to ride up on a white horse and there, but he's going to come. But no, I had to figure out, well, what does feel good to me? And then then I had to learn how to show that to a partner, how to demonstrate that. And I think where we get stuck is either women don't know or they do know because they know through masturbation, but they don't know how to explain to a partner because they're afraid they're going to get judged and they feel broken because they don't orgasm with a penis. And we know that only 20% of women do. Right.

I've talked about this on the podcast podcast before, but if we've been newer listener, I did want to touch on this, that it's not always, at least for me, I had a situation I didn't realize what was happening until years later. And I had a partner that I just never wanted to have sex with them. We were together for years. And I'd always been super sexual before. And so I didn't understand, like, why don't I want to fuck this person? He's gorgeous. I wake up. I don't really want him to touch me. I'm not that interested in it. And it wasn't that it wasn't that it wasn't like freaky enough. But, you know, I remember I talked to therapists. I tried to like figure this out in my own head. And it wasn't until afterwards I really realized that like meant it was very mental for me. Like I wasn't proud of this person. I wasn't excited by this being my partner. And it's like, well, you don't want to sleep with a person that you're not proud of. That's just like floundering and being, I mean, for lack of a better term, he was just being a loser and not contributing to the relationship. And I think.

I think also it wasn't that I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted and like masturbate and things like that. It was totally mental and I think that, you know, that hasn't happened to me again. So I like know that that is what it was. Like you didn't respect him. That's a huge thing. I keep finding this theme. Yeah, you didn't respect him.

He was and he wasn't treating you well. There's, yeah, there's, I just, there's so many reasons why we might not be in the mood for sex. But typically if you're in a relationship with somebody, you can get there, but it takes a little bit of work and it's not a one-time conversation. It's not that one person has to fix it. And then the other person just kind of shows up and you've got all the answers. It's like, it's like talking and communicating and like getting to the bottom of it. But yeah, but you probably did. And I didn't, I had the same experience where I kept going to therapy and it turns out like

my boyfriend was like a premature ejaculator. That should have been obvious. But I was like, you know, I just didn't, I never faced that before and I thought it was me. I thought like, he wasn't working on it because he didn't care. You know, we always like, well, what I find women do more so that meant is that we, every time there's a problem with sex in the relationship, we blame ourselves. Oh, I'm not attractive enough. I didn't do enough. That's another part of it too. Mostly it's just that we don't have enough knowledge. We don't understand the workings of sex to actually be able to decide if it's right for us or not. It's a lot to learn. Yeah, I just think that like there's so much wrapped up in how secure you feel in the relationship.

Like I think so many women, especially women on the younger side, just like can't let themselves go. Like they don't, that's a lot of people that don't want to be them guys to go down on them. Like, I think it's just, I mean, the most orgasms I ever had was with somebody that I was super in love with. I felt secure with. We were in a committed relationship. And I think that's a lot of it. Like, you're, because women are so mental anyway. And I think also just how your bodies fit together.

Like, I've, I've had sex with guys where I'm like, we fit like puzzle pieces. And then I've had sex with guys where I'm like, what's going on here? I love his body. The dick is great. like something about his pelvic bone is making me uncomfortable. That guy weighed 20 pounds, Ashley? No, I'm not talking about him. I'm not talking about the skinny guys.

I'm talking about that guy in Miami. It was, his body was great. He was muscular. But like after, and his dick was great. But after sex, like my vagina felt bruised. And I couldn't, something was just not fitting. And to have any, women are already in our heads. And yeah, right.

Like I did fuck a really skinny guy. And his hip bones were digging into my thighs. And it's like, if you're going through any, Any amount of physical pain. I'm not talking about vaginal pain that you need to talk to your doctor. Yes, talk to your doctor. But any sort of like the bones or something, we're in our head enough. Like I can't climax if I'm in physical pain.

Exactly. No, that is that is a truism. And you know that 80% of women experience pain at some point in their life? And they literally, they just think it's normal or it's okay. We don't speak about that. But I want to say something that actually go back to the thing, because I think this is really big. And I think so many of your women listening are going to get a lot.

of it because I don't know many women in high school who felt, let alone in college, who felt comfortable with a guy going down on them and was able to actually like receive. Because what I most, so I would love women to realize that like, that we are just as much deserved of oral sex, of pleasure. If they're down there, like, they want to be doing it. And if they don't want to be doing it, it's not your guy. And I would wish that women at a younger age could figure it out because I was like, ew, gross, he doesn't really want to do it.

And I was, like, is it going to taste bad? And is it going to smell? And all the things that we worry about. But then getting back to the point that most women are, the majority of women, this has been study after study. They orgasm in three ways. It's through fingers, someone using their fingers. It's through a mouth and a tongue.

That's kind of two. And then, like, the third one is like kissing. Like kissing can really get us aroused. There's not even like penis is like down to the bottom of the list. It's like, it's not even there. So I just want. women to realize that like you're not broken. It's not, you're doing everything okay, but just like, and it's the safety thing too.

So for women to feel safe with a partner is really big to feel like we can trust them and they're like a safe container. That's when we're also more likely to be able to let go and like have our orgasm phase and move in ways. Otherwise, we're just like worried we're not doing it right. And that's just also a waste of time because we're not getting pleasure. I think guys get better at sex as they get older as well. Like I don't think that you're hitting it out of the park with it.

with a 22-year-old guy either. I don't think they know what they're doing. I didn't know what I was doing. I think they just thought that sex was for their own pleasure. I think porn told them that sex was for their own pleasure. And I love that you said, like, you're not broken because I think so many women are like, why can't I have these vaginal orgasm? It's like, it takes work to, like, learn how to do this.

It took me years to enjoy having somebody go down on me and not be in my head, being like, what does it look like? What does it look like? What does it taste like? Is this enjoyable for him? And you're right. Like, they wouldn't be there if they didn't like. like it. But it takes years of practice. You can't just wake up and be good at a thing. I literally

all day long hear it all day every day from my nieces. It was like 18 and then my friend who's like 40 is like same thing. Felt shame around her body still. It's just it doesn't change unless people hear this information. Absolutely. And also just knowing your body and knowing what you're into. And I mean, I can have orgasms from quote unquote penetration sex, but it's more so because because of the friction and the way that it's feeling on my clitoris, not necessarily like the penetration that feels good too. But, you know, I don't want to be like, yeah, I just like get off when it dicks inside of me. You know, I have to be on top. It has to be the right kind of motion of the ocean, like all those things, you know, and it doesn't always happen. And I think just knowing what else

gets you going to, like it took me so many years to realize what I really wanted and enjoyed in bed. You know, I like my ass macked. I like a little light choking here and there, dirty talk, all these things and it's just realizing what that cocktail is for you and also knowing how much of it is just mental. Like I dated a guy that I would always have orgasms with not even because it felt so good because the stuff he was whispering in my ear was so crazy and dirty and hot. And I wouldn't even like it that much. I didn't even, nothing felt good besides what he was saying in my ear at a close range. And so if you want a little bit of a hand on your neck, like all these things, you have to figure out your formula and then ask for them. Like guys want to know.

know what you want them to do. We have all the information. They don't know. And I think there's still this, this idea that men, that, that, that if we, and tell me if this resonates with you, that if we tell them what we want, they're going to judge us and think, oh, she's, she's slutty or she's leading me or I, she's taking me my power. Because otherwise, why wouldn't you tell them? Just tell them.

I think that there's a huge fear of being shamed. And I think a lot of girls, when we even asked today, like, what are you looking for from a sex expert said? Like, I don't know how to ask, and there was just a million things. I don't know how to ask for butt stuff. I don't know how to give butt stuff. I don't know how to ask for a dirty talk, for it to be freakier. And I think that we are afraid that our fetishes are going to make somebody shame us.

And I've had a lot of sex with a lot of people in my life. I've had one person and it sticks out ever shame me for something I've ever asked for. And I'm old enough, thankfully, for that not to have bothered me. My takeaway from that was like, fuck that person. Like if I'm in a safe space and what I'm communicating to you is something that doesn't erode your boundaries, then like, I was just about like some kind of porn I wanted to watch. And it wasn't like beastiality either, by the way. Yeah, they're not your person. Yeah.

That's not my person. And if you want like, if you want these things, just ask. Just ask. And there's no shame. So people, I was going to say, though. If people have questions, they can email me feedback at sex withemly.com if they have like specific because my podcast is sex with Emily. This is what we do all day every day. we answer these questions because literally I always say communication is a lubrication.

It is the number one. Like I, the only thing keeping us, the only thing I would say, more the top thing. Keeping us from getting our needs met is that we don't not ask for it. So we talk about this all the time. But Ashley, I want to go back to one thing you said, which I think is so interesting. This ties into what you're both saying is that we have all the information we need. Like the fact that you remember that the way he talked in your ear, that was really hot. Check.

Okay. He spanked you. that was hot. It's a little bit of dominant. It's also because there's so many nerve endings. So his hand on your butt, I'm like, doing it now, his hand in your butt might have touched a little bit into nerve endings that are closer to the opening of your butt or like your anus or your, there's reverberations that like are hitting at all the nerve endings.

So, and then you have information. So maybe like, Raina, you know for you that like you need someone who, I don't know, what is the things that you've loved about guys that are a little bit, well, they have a job or whatever. What was the last guy you said? Tell me about your job. No, really. That pushes me over the edge.

Job talk. No, but really. My friend's like, tell me about OPEC last night with her boyfriend. She's like, he's really smart. And tell me what's going on with like OPEC in the oil situation. And she's like, tell me in a so sexy voice. Like, you know what I say? Tell me that you have a black card in a sexy voice.

That's how I come. Right. You guys are. No, Breanna likes come talk. She likes to hear about quantities. I like, I like dirty talk a lot. And it's really hard for me to get there if I don't get it. And it can be really a range of it.

Like, I don't need to start at, like, the black diamond level range of somebody telling me I'm like a filthy little slut or a naughty little girl. Even if somebody just starts with like your pussy feels so good, it feels so tight. Like anything even like on that level, which I think is pretty beginners level, like just describe what's happening in the room kind of stuff. That really gets me going. And I just, I don't need like crazy positions and I don't need like to do the kama sutra. I just want to know that you're really into it and passionate. To me, that is communicated verbally. And I really need that.

And like when I masturbate, I masturbate to things people said to me. Like, I can masturbate to giving a blowjob as long as like what the person was saying is like super hot. And I really need it. And you can just ease these guys in. Like, I just, I have an ex that like, I don't know he did what his dirty talk situation was before me. But like, it wasn't strong. But like, I knew we had a mitt. I knew what he had it in him.

He was a verbal guy. He was super communicative in every area. And so if you're into that, ladies, you just ask them questions they can respond to easily. Like, again, even saying your pussy is so tight is a little too advanced for some beginners. So just to make it as easy as possible as you can on them to start, ask some questions they can answer. Like, how does it feel? Tell me you like it. Like anything they can just respond to, even in a one word to ease them in, I think.

Because I do think that guys can get really insecure about that stuff if they've really never done it before. I mean, this is you have to remember, you guys. Everything with sex is a practice, right? So we're not going to be great at it coming out of the gate. But most of us are so afraid of sounding like a creep or an idiot or like to do sturdy talk so we don't do it. I say practice in the shower. Like download some, there's some great apps like TriQuinn, like Audio Erotica or Dipsy. There's two of them now that you just listen to other people doing it and like practice your dirty time.

voice and just think, but like we always assume we should be so great at everything. And since we're not perfect, we don't do it. And so you're right. For some people, like, you can't go from zero to you're a dirty slut or, but, but maybe for some women. Or even zero, your pussy so tight might be too much. But if you think about dirt top, like you want to escalate like sex, you don't go from zero to sticking your penis in. It's like, hey, you're so hot. I keep thinking about like descriptor words. Like, I keep thinking about you how it feels with your hand on my ass. I keep thinking about you. And that's also a great way to be like, I keep thinking about you slapping my ass. Or that's, I guess, if you're sexting, but like, even just saying, like,

I keep thinking about how great it feels and just just being very specific with your, you know, with your describing what you want to happen, what's happening next. And then escalate, just like you would with, you know, regular sex. And, but also finding the language. And it can be taught, which is so great. Like most of the stuff that we are so stressed about when it comes to sex simply means we just haven't devoted enough time to learning it and talking about it. And what better time? Dude, we got so much time. Literally, all we've got is time now to like masturbate. We got time on our hands. Figure out your sex life. But I want to back up to something you said too and

like just to even wrap it up because we kind of got like going on other topics. Like I love the stuff you said about clean the apartment, you know, like light a candle. Set a mood because I'm even, I can picture it. It's like I can visualize like an apartment or a house. home that we've all been wrapped, like, cooped up in for, like, a month now. And it's like, maybe you cook a nice dinner. The apartment's clean. The home is clean. A candle's lit. There's some music playing. Whatever music gets you both going. I love what you said. People listen to your podcast together. Raina, our podcast. Like, make this event that happens within the home with really nice surroundings. And I think you'll have a much better outcome. Because when I'm,

what you said is like, I can't shake it of this like couple that's, there's like the pile of laundry and there's dirty dishes and everything's starting to build up and it's the least sexy thing ever. Right. And your brain can't get on board for it if you're like the dishwash, the dishes, the things and you're just looking at it. Because we need to be stimulated. We need to variety. And so even just do it in the couch, on the couch or like on the washer dryer, like the dryer on the spin cycle. Like get creative. I have a friend who has three kids, three little kids, which is, I think we can all agree. If you've kids at the age of five right now to be quarantined, like that is hard. They like went into the pantry.

Like they have a big walk-in pantry in their kitchen. That's hot. Yeah, I like that. He pulled her into the pantry. Oh, I love that. I know. I'm like, good for him. Like, get creative.

And it just that, no, it was spontaneous. So this is what we're missing. This is the fuel. We're missing spontaneity. We're missing variety. And we're missing space, like the newness and the excitement. So mostly those are the two things. So it was spontaneous and it was like, never done in the pantry before with the rice checks.

So it's like hot. About to make baby number four. Exactly. I want to piggyback on something that Ashley was saying. too. And I know it might sound obvious, but for me, like, I think about, like, when can I bring up what I want in the bedroom? And, like, I think it sounds nice to have, like, a mature conversation with your partner over a glass of wine. But, like, it's easiest for me, actually, to ask for what I want in bed right after sex. So get that first time out of the way. And then, like, you're naked,

and it's, like, this post-coital thing. And, like, then it's a lot easier for me instead of doring sex to say, like, tell me what you want. And it can be a little, like, tense. I think after sex when you're naked in the bed is when it's easiest for me to say like, well, what other stuff do you, like, kind of like kind of like? And what would turn you on? What kind of porn do you like? And that is when it's easiest for me. And it sounds kind of counterintuitive because the sex is over.

But at least, like, they've had an orgasm. Their head's a little clearer. They can listen to you a little bit better. And it's the best time to manipulate a person into doing what you want. They're not in the right mind, right? They got the oxytocin, like everything's all over the place. Well, that's it. Okay.

So here's the thing. I believe that it's best to talk about sex outside the bedroom because when we're in the bedroom, we're in a different state, but I'm going to give you a workaround. Don't worry. I'm not going to just say it has to be a glass of wine over dinner. But because what happens is,

if we're not used to talking about sex with a partner, the first time you bring it up, like, let's say it's a new partner. It might kind of be like, oh, so what they're going to think is, oh, Rain is telling me she wants me to slap her ass and talk dirty more. I suck as a lover. she wasn't happy with what I just did. And so now I got to remember everything she's saying

and I'm actually exhausted because I just orgasmed. Well, that is the message I'm sending. I know, but that needs to do a good job. They're going to do it. Right. But they know that. But they're going to get insecure. And that's why we don't talk about sex because we automatically think like they're going

to feel bad and they actually do because they don't have a history of an experience. So my first, my recommendation is, and then we'll get back to how you can do it in the bedroom is when you're outside the bedroom and it doesn't even have to be a glass of wine. It could just be like, You're chilling. I always recommend when you're on a road trip or you're in the car because then your eyes aren't making eye contact if it's awkward. I like that.

Or you're not going to hike. On a walk, maybe. Walking the dog. Just on a hike. I love you down the street. And then you're like, hey, so yeah, I was thinking about it. And you want to stay positive and neutral and curious. It's not like we need to talk because nobody wants to start here or that ever.

And you say, you know, I was thinking about our sex life. I was thinking about last night and bring something up. that was so hot the way you slapped my ass. And I was thinking, I would love if you talked dirty more. Like, I think it's really hot. Like the dirtier, the better. Or you give them some examples. Because that way, like, I know that's what really turns me on.

And when you've done it the past, like, I can't stop fantasizing about it. And then you, like, turn to them and say, well, tell me what you love. I want to be, I want to do things for you too that feel good. So it becomes like back and forth, curious, no, like, shaming. know like, well, you never have before. You like dirty talk. Why haven't you done it before? Do you want to slam me?

Because it's so sensitive. It's so, we have to be so careful in our tone. And this is like hard in every aspect of our life, I think. But for me, even with my team, it's like not being negative. Like people being like, here's the good stuff. So because sex is so delicate. So I think, and I kind of call it the compliment sandwich. Like you're like, hey, let's talk about our sex life.

How can we make it great? Here's a suggestion. And then ending with another positive thing. And then asking what they want. Now, if you want to do it in the bedroom, I think this is great for people who have already been together for a little bit. So they have that safety already and they have the knowledge that like we talk about this stuff. But sometimes we remember right after. So to reinforce things that you really liked is okay.

Like, oh, you know, it was so hot. You know, because sometimes people do things and they don't continue. You're like, why do you just put his tongue in my ear and didn't keep going? You're like, I love the tongue in the ear. High five, good move. That's a good idea. Yeah. So reinforcing, reinforcing what you like.

the stuff you didn't like, it's dead to you. Like, it never happened. Hopefully they won't remember. And then you reinforce the stuff you like. So those are some workarounds, but I think it's about timing and your tone and locate, like timing tone location. Turf, I always say. Timing tone turf for your sex talk.

Okay. Timing tone turf. T. T. T. Also, I just think for asking what you want while you're in the act, again, not this whole, like let's have a talk, but like just saying, asking for a dirty talk or whatever. Like, just make sure you've had enough foreplay.

because Rayne and I talk about this all the time. Like when you are super aroused and you're hooking up with somebody, like it's almost like an out of body experience sometimes. Like you're like what is happening right now? It's almost like you're blacked out in some crazy sex mode. You know, I've been in a situation where it's, it's 1 p.m. Broad daylight. We're sober.

We just got home from brunch and like the dirtiest stuff is flying out of my mouth and there's a handprint on my ass. You know what I mean? And you can't get there when there's been no four. playing, it's just like penetration so quickly. Like, all that stuff has to get you to that point. Like, to get to the point where you're even feeling comfortable to say some crazy dirty shit, like you have to be so juiced up.

And I think women aren't getting juiced up enough. Yes. And this is the main, this is, this is it. This is the whole frigging thing that we don't understand is I think of it. They say, like, women are like slow cookers. Like, we got to warm up. We got to keep going. We got to like, you know, like go back, check on it.

How's it doing? is it's sizzling we're gonna cook men they're frying pans but they no one tells us this because all we see about sex is like oh they're making out penis goes in vagina explosive sex and so we don't understand the art of foreplay which i always say is like it's not just a suggestion it's like a requirement we we can't go from zero to penetration either and i think that so many men i know we're talking about heterosexual relationships but this is kind of where the problem because they say like like same sex relationships, lesbians, gay men have the most satisfying sex

because they know how to communicate about it. And I'm not saying they have other challenges, but this arousal part, we're talking about arousal. Women are more responsive. We're going to respond to kissing and dirty talk and slowing down. And then we're going to percolate.

We're going to percolate. We're going to get aroused. Men are spontaneous. Like he sees you after brunch and he's like, she's so hot. I've been thinking about it. And he just pulls you on the bed, rips your clothes off.

And you're like, I need this. I'm dry. I'm dry. I was just about to text Rana back and I didn't see you coming. I know. I'm the one that's suffering in this whole situation.

Right. She needed the text. We were finishing. We were laughing. So this is what happens time and time and time. Again, women are just getting sex foisted upon them. And we're not ready and we're not turned on and we're not aroused because we don't understand our own arousal process.

And men don't understand it because no one told them. and this dearth of sex education that no one's ever had. And so, but this is like the science of sex. This is like, this is a truism. Like this isn't just like some women are ready to go. And that's why I also say foreplay starts after the last orgasm. These are like my foreplay isms because if your partner was like after brunch, like, let's say, or this is a case where maybe it worked for you, but let's just, for example, after brunch

or during brunch, he kept saying like, you look so high. Or like, maybe you took off your underwear and passed it to him. And then he whispered in your ear on the way. Okay. Right? And then it's building throughout brunch and the way back to your house. We were at Westville. It didn't happen.

But I'm just building up a brunch that we could have worked. I know. I'm just kidding. I just knew that would make Raina laugh. Ashley's like we were having a vegetable medley. I can't give him my panties right now. That's how what's happening? There's asparagus on the table.

Sorry, Emily. I had to throw that egg because I knew it would make rain a laugh. It's like this quaint little vegetarian cafe because she's, She knows about the day I'm talking about. Okay, keep going. No, but it's, I get it. I love you guys. I love your relationship.

So that's how it could happen, but we need to keep dropping these like little things. Like right now, let's say you're in a long distance thing or you just know you're not going to see each other until the end of the week. It's like, hey, you look so hot last night. I can't stop thinking about this. And then maybe you have like a FaceTime sex session and that gets it going. And then you keep talking about hot moments or you just kind of start planning for what you're going to do next. when you see each other. And then your brain is churning on it for a few days or all day if you just saw your partner

in the morning. And then I'm not saying we're ready to go, but we're more likely to be thinking about sex, planning for sex. But otherwise, we just comes out of the blue and their boners coming at you are like 50 miles an hour or whatever. And you're like, I'm not ready. I'm dry. Like, no.

But we don't, again, it's a very, it's something that's really, it gets me very passion because I just wish we understood how women get turned on and we don't go from, we just don't get turned on that fast. Well, and if a guy wants to come in and rip your clothes off, yeah, we all want that. I think a lot of women are, they want that fantasy of throw me against the wall, you know, don't hurt me. But like, they want that in some women, a lot of women. But if a guy wants to do that, you have to set it up a little earlier in the day. Like, I respond so much to any sort of dirty text. Like if you really, not that a guy is going to plan his spontaneous sex moment, but even that he should, even that like can't wait to get home and rip your clothes. clothes off. Like if a guy, again, now we're all quarantined, but when we get back to normal, if a guy's listening, if you're at work and you think you want to have sex with your partner later, any, like, I can't wait to get home and rip your clothes off. I'm wet just thinking about it. Like, this is gross thing. These things that we can like write these things out for guys.

Like, guys, if you're listening, just like, there's one for you, free of charge. Like, these things will enhance your sex life so much. And the same with women because we know how men respond to compliments. They want their ego stroked. Like, any. sort of last night was so hot when you did this was so hot is going to go so far. I like this idea that like the orgasm, what did you say? It starts the next orgasm. Four place starts after the

last orgasm. Yes, I love that. It's like building this intimacy with your partner so that like when you do decide to pounce on them, it's not like, where do this come from? Like we're just watching a documentary. Like I had this really bad sex recently and I mean I know why, but like we were like in the middle

of the conversation and he like pulled me on top of him and like all of a sudden he's just like inside and and I'm just like, I don't know, can we just end this soon, please? And it's just, but like, everything around that is not, like, really nice and intimate and sexy. And I'm not getting sexy texts and, like, all the information surrounding, the sex isn't building towards that. So, like, if you're on top of me all of a sudden, you're just going to town, like, there are some people I will enjoy that with. But there has to be, like, a dialogue and a language just building all the time, at least for me. And you want to know that your partner looks at you as, like, a sexy being and is excited about those things.

you. Yeah. Totally. And so like I was just like, he was on top of me and I was like, I mean, can you just finish this? Yeah. That makes so much sense, right now, because you've been talking about this bad sex and it's like, now that you kind of describe the scenario and what led up to it, like yeah, that's not sexy. Like this isn't a guy you're in love with. This isn't someone that you feel romance with by just sitting next to him. So for him just to like make a move watching something on TV, it's like, what are you doing? It feels misplaced. And like I even tried to like sex it up a little more like we were on the roof and there were some other people around and they like they were like sort of turned around the corner and I like grabbed him and I kissed him. We were like making

out and there were some people around and like that felt like kind of hot and sexy and I was like okay let's like try to build this language. I mean he sucks and it's just never going to get better but you know at least I tried and I it's so true like everything around it's not sexy so by the time you have stuck your dick inside and I don't want this. I don't care about this. Like I didn't even yeah exactly. That's exactly what happens and we don't and again he just doesn't know any better like he doesn't get that that's what you would have needed because that's all they've ever known. Which is so sad

because he's like 41 or two. Like what, that poor guy? I've been with many a man in their 40s and 30s and 50s and they literally they don't know. They still don't know and I'm so upset. It doesn't matter how old they are. So you're saying fuck a 20 year old. Yes, 26. I have done that.

The last 3 26 year olds I've slept with knew what they were doing. Okay. But I like what you said, which is that if you're having bad sex, you didn't say it's your fault. But like you should at least start with you. And you should at least start with like, what can I do? Because it's not your partner's job to read your mind. And maybe this guy, and I know he was in a relationship for five years before me, maybe the dialogue of sex that he had with her is different than the dialogue of sex that I want.

And so you have to educate your partners. And I love that you said that like it starts with you. So like if I had made an effort to like try and be sexier, I mean, I don't know how I possibly could be. How could you? But I think at least the responsibility falls on me first to try to educate a person. And then if they suck, like this guy does, then they suck. Yeah. And if they're willing to learn and be open, because you're right, maybe in his last relationship,

his girlfriend was like, just stick it in, right? And he was like, oh, that's all I know how to do. So we often think, like, oftentimes men are like, well, I'm going to do exactly what this last person wanted because that seemed to work. But then what I've come to find out is that they just think it worked, but the woman didn't know how to, because the majority of women don't talk about sex. So it probably didn't really work for her either, but no one ever corrected him.

So we're almost doing a service when we're talking to partners and letting them know what we want. I always feel like, I'm only men I've set up for like, they're going to be much better off. Like, at least he knows where the clitoris is now. Like, have a nice life.

Like you, I like to leave them better than when I found them, you know? And then when you have a guy that's so good out of the gate, you're like, shout out to your ex. Yeah, exactly. For teaching you this. But I love that you said Skype sex and Zoom sex or whatever.

I zoom sex is a very new term. that we've just started using in the last month or so. But that is a topic we wanted to get in with you is, and this is, you guys have the floor. I haven't ever done this. I've, of course, sex did so much and had phone sex, but we talked about it on our recent live show of like, I don't know how you get there. I don't know how you're in a situation like the three of us are right now, and all of a sudden there's a titty out.

And so I think we want to talk about long-distance sex during this and long-term, long-term. Okay. I think people are afraid to send that first text. And it's a really scary thing to ask for. I want to give credit to people. Like, you don't just wake up and know how to sex. And you certainly don't know how to wake up and start masturbating on camera in front of a person. So I think that that is really, I used to, like, dated this guy who, like, always wanted me to, like, take the phone in the shower.

Like, and I was like, I don't, I can't just do that. And I was so nervous. But now I love to be naked. But I love that Ashley said now and also. all long-distance relationships. I think it applies. And people are like, how do I keep this person interested?

I'm not around them. I can't just show up and have them on top of me. So I would love your advice. Well, first, yeah, you don't just kind of like, it's seriously like the equivalent of like, okay, the Zoom camera's on and you're naked, your tits out is the equivalent of a guy

just sticking his dick in. It's the same thing. Right. No one just like, here's a Zoom. So it's a same. Like you want to build up. You want to like, let's have a date. Let's even maybe throughout the week we're going to talk about

or the day, like, what are we going to do tonight? This is such a great, the thing about Zoom, let's just say virtual sex or video sex, is that, I was trying to think of a good name for it. I think it's like virtual, probably, because it's virtual. Base time sex. That's kind of virtual thing. Virtual sex.

So is that you get to like, why it's cool is because you get to, there's still a separation. So there's a few reasons why I like it is because you can kind of play with some areas that maybe you haven't done before, like things that you might have been uncomfortable talking about in person, but maybe you set it up in a text and that felt a little bit safer. So maybe it was you've been wanting to do some role playing or you have this really like sexy cheerleader outfit that you've had for a while that you've been wanting to wear and you're like,

I'm going to dress this way. And then you come up so it's like you're wearing something. So that's one thing. But let me back up and start with just you get on camera. It's like a regular thing. You're like, but tonight we're going to do it. So maybe you set your atmosphere. You have a candle going. you've set it up, you've tested your light, you've tested your angles. Are you on your... You feel sexy. You feel sexy. Just like you would if you were any other time, you're not just going to be like, like,

if someone's trying to surprise that on you, you could even say, give me five, like, let me set up my room. Like, I've got the pile of laundry on my bed. Right. And so first off, you just, you set the mood and then maybe you just start kind of like, if you're already in an established relationship, start talking about, you know, what would be, you could play games, like a truth or dare game. You could play, there's a lot of great.

great fun sex games, but truly, like, anything could be a sex game. You could play strip anything. There's card game. You know, people are playing all these games now on a watch party or something. But you can play it with sex. Like, everyone removes a body of clothes, like a virtual strip tease. I love truth or dare. I think that that's also so amazing.

I love truth or dare, play a game. Let me just side note of this for a lot of couples who are, like, really trying to connect right now in this time we're in. But even if you're in a long distance relationship, no one once again and talk about their lunch or what you, your mom on Zoom today or whatever the things you talked about. Because like every day my mom's like, her, she's not getting it right. It's not interesting.

But play a game together. There's a great book called 36 questions to ask someone to fall in love, which was in the New York, it was based on that New York Times piece, ask anyone anything to fall in love. And they're actually real intimate questions that you've never asked each other.

So playing a game and getting a little bit deeper in your relationship and a little bit more substantive so you can know each other. But if you're playing a game And it's like every time someone loses, they're removing a piece of clothing. Like that's a really fun way to do it. So you're just sort of slowly undressing. And maybe the first time you do it, that's all you're doing.

You're just like, you're, and maybe if you do move into mutual masturbation, which I think is one of my favorite tools for couples, whether you're on camera or you're doing it next to each other, because it's a great, first of all, it's really hot to watch each other masturbate. So it's like a two-for because you're going to get off. watching them or it's sexy. But number two, it's educational. Like, you're actually going to learn. Like, I remember the first time I watch a boyfriend masturbate. I was like, oh, I didn't realize he put his hand up and over the tip. I didn't pay attention to the tip as much. Got to pay

attention to the tip. Hands on the balls. This guy liked to say, I didn't touch the balls. So you're just like, I, you're doing it. I'll do it 10 times better. Next time I get your dick in my hand. So you just learn. And then they're learning. Oh, she uses her fingers. inside or she never goes inside. Right. She only wants vulva stimulation. Oh, I'm learning. So that is a really hot thing to do on camera. The other thing is if with a new partner, I want to warn against this, people can record

the screen. So use the same precautions if you're sending a sex, you know, a sexy picture. Yeah. No identifying marks. So you could do it where just your body's showing, your lower half. Totally. Or your face and then not the bottom. Like just figure out.

People can record it if it's... And I think also like this might sound really intimidating to somebody and you can totally start with just phone sex. Like it's so easy to get out your vibrator or if you're a manual person. But for me, it's a clit stimulator vibrator and just have the phone there like on the pillow next to you on speaker and just masturbate. And it can be low level. It can be like, this feels so good. I'm about to come. Let them hear you having an orgasm.

I think some people might want to start with that. I did that at 24 with the partner for the first time, and it felt so out of my league. But I can't even imagine doing that via FaceTime or Skype at that age. So maybe you start there. Like if you're already going to masturbate in bed with your vibrator tonight, get your partner on the phone. And then maybe you move up to visual the next day.

You're right. I agree with that. It's a lot for somebody. And I think that it's also like on the phone. is a great way to sort of drop hints of stuff that you want in bed in the future. And I think that... And no recording, no risk. No risk.

I think you'd be more comfortable. And I think you can suggest things that you might like that are a little kinkier, like your fingers in my ass, or I'm choking you right now. I think that you can suggest things because it's, you know, quote, unquote, a fantasy. And then afterwards you can, or if your partner says something, then you can say, you know, you mentioned this thing. Is that something that you like? Is this something that you want?

I mean, honestly, I like FaceTime sex. I love watching somebody masturbate. like it really turns me on, but I'm very turned on just by phone sex. I don't really need to see it, honestly. I'm a little in my head about how I look also. And so I don't have to think about like, am I at a weird angle? Is my tent like off to the side weird? Like, am I swishing it?

Yeah, I'm like in it. But then I'm like, oh shit, I dropped the camera, moved or the tripod, whatever fell over. And you're like, it's not hot. So it's another thing to worry about. But I love what you're saying because it's sort of like less intimidating if you're, if you're, your phone sexing because you can be like, they throw it out there. Like, I imagine you coming over dressed as the,

you know, as a, as a doctor or something in a doctor's uniform. As the postmate's guy. And I'm sitting on my couch so like you can kind of test the waters. And then afterwards you could be like, did you think that was hot or what do you think? Or even just finger in my butt. Like, oh, I keep picturing your finger in my ass. And then they know, oh, she wants finger in ass. And you're just saying it and you're not looking at them.

So again, just like the talking with the not looking. it's a barrier so you can kind of say things. And you can even just say, like, I'm about to masturbate. Do you want to hear it? Like, I mean, it's just the, so, so, somebody's, I just, like, think, I just think if you are talking to your partner and you're like, he's like, what are you doing? You could be like, oh, I just, like, slipped into something. And I was just about to, like, start thinking about you and masturbate or however you want

to word it. What guy isn't going to want a phone call and to hear it? Yeah, exactly. And tell him. You're so right. Yeah. They're like, oh, I'm dropping everything that I am doing. and I am, I am on my phone and they're like tripping over themselves. Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't think, I don't think any man is ever going to shame you for that. I don't think there's a man alive that doesn't want to hear it. I did have one person kind of shame me. And we talked on the podcast where I like really wanted to do, we were a long distance. I wanted to send photos and just like sex a little more. And he like mocked me for it a little bit. He was like, you keep trying to do this and I'm never going to do it.

And it like really took the wind out of my sales. It really like hurt me. It made me feel really rejected. I didn't even, I tell Ashley everything. There's nothing. I don't tell her. I didn't even tell her for like, I didn't tell her for like two days, which is a long time for me because I was, I knew she was going to be like, I hate him so much. Right. But he really shamed me for wanting to do that. And honestly, like, that's on him. Like, no other man is going to shame you for this stuff just like asking for your sexual kinks. And if they do,

like, fuck that person. Exactly. But Raina, you also, that happened to you as a mature woman in your 30s. Like, that happens to a girl at 22. She's never going to want to do it again. And like I feel bad for him or for any guy doing that to a girl who's just trying to get her footing in learning about sex. And it's like, you know, that bummed you out, but it didn't mold you in any way. You're like, fuck that guy. But that happens to a younger girl that's, it's just what a, it's such a bummer. And I like, I like, again, right, didn't tell me this for days. And then we were sitting, we were having drinks and she showed me.

And I just saw red. Because like for any woman of any age to put herself out there and try to start. getting to the next level sexually and a guy to cut her down. I think, but you're so right. At a young age of somebody had said this to me at 23, if somebody had shamed me for wanting to sex, it probably would have, like, formed me in a different way.

Now I've had so many other guys that have loved it, have praised me for it, have loved that I'm so sexual. I know that this is like a this guy kind of thing, but you're right, like at a young age. He was a weirdo. You weren't the weirdo. And the only reason I love that we're saying is because it's going to help against so many of your listeners who are like,

oh yeah, that happened to me. The reason why he said that, like, it's never going to happen because he literally was like, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to text. I don't know. It seems weird. Or I don't, not even weird. He probably didn't know where to take it next.

Maybe he got shamed once because he tried to sex. It never has anything to do with you. So his thing is like, it's never going to happen. Like, he's not about you. It's about his own conditioning. But we so think like, oh, I'm wrong. I'm bad. I did something wrong.

And so I think I want to reinforce this again, exactly what you're saying. if someone makes you feel bad about something you want, something you did sexually, they are giving you a gift there and they're not your person. Like it's not, it has nothing to do with you. Like you were asking for something you wanted and that's very like, you have agency over your own sex life and what you need. And it just, I wish, I would just want women to see the difference between that. And like, they're shaming you because of their own insecurities.

They're shaming you because it was, maybe it was new to them because no one's ever been so bold and asked for something. because they're young or they don't have experience. And it's so much easier to say, you're a weirdo, or that's so strange, then kind of face their own like, oh, wow, I wouldn't know how to sex, so I'm not going to do it. Right. There's nothing wrong with him for not knowing how to do it or not be comfortable with it.

And, I mean, I was a newer partner also, and I think it takes guys a little time to trust you sometimes and to know that you're not going to screenshot the things that they say and send it to your girlfriends. There's nothing wrong with a person for not knowing. And the thing that was wrong with that is that he shamed me and he had no right to do that. But I don't think there's anything wrong with at least saying to your partner, like, I don't know how to do this stuff.

And it makes me feel sort of weird. How do we start? If he could have said to you, oh, wow, I've never done that before. Tell me more about it. But instead, he's so definitive with the, that'll never happen. So we automatically go, oh, I'm wrong, you know. There's a million things you could have said. That's hot.

Whatever. Like, it's like, it would have been better to even ignore her than like just shaming her outright. Like, I can't. Don't get me. I'm just, I'm all heated now. But he probably did this in other areas of his life. When he didn't know something, he stayed down an opinion, like, this is how it is. And then that's how he got ahead in life or whatever. But it really just, it was fear.

It's what I'm hearing from this guy. Yeah. What we're going to do with you next now that we sort of wrapped up the main topics is we ask people, what do you want to know from a sex expert? And so we're going to just rapid fire stuff at you a little bit, just get quicker questions. And a lot of the stuff you covered beautifully already. So, Ash, do you want to start with a question? Okay.

I will kick it off. Let's see how quickly you can answer this one. A lot of them about guys going soft during sex. Is it normal for a guy to go soft during sex? One girl said my boyfriend has this huge dick, but it's never rock hard. It's just kind of like medium hard. Yeah, it's really common.

Clearly there's ED involved in here too. It's very common that men do not stay hard. And I have to say that for young men, a lot of it has to do with anxiety and worry that they're not going to get hard or they won't stay hard or someone's going to walk in or it happened once. Like it literally just has to happen once where they weren't hard enough and then they're worried.

You know, obviously, again, like we talked about earlier, if they're on medications, if they're smoking a lot of weed or drinking a lot, like all of that can have an impact on erection. But what I've found with younger men who have erection, and I'm telling you, it's on the rise. I just talked about this last night on my show. It's like, I used to never hear from men in their 20s who had some erectile dysfunction problems, and now they do. And I actually think a lot of them were Englishish,

we're thinking we don't look like porn and porn isn't real life. And so really just a matter of education, understanding, arousal, desire with your partner that just because you got soft doesn't mean sex is over either. So go down on them again. It's okay to put a flaccid penis in your mouth and get it harder or use Lou, put your hand around it. It'll come back. Just don't trip on it. But I think guys trip on it because all they see is rock hard penis in porn.

And they're like, oh, it goes, so penises are soft, they're hard, just like women, we're wet, we're not wet. Like, we just don't have enough information. And then we make it. All right. And also how much are you drinking? How much you're drinking? How much you smoking? Women probably, they think it has to do with them.

So then they get weird. And then it's just a really bad cyclical effect of a man getting soft. Now he's insecure. Now you're insecure. Now you're both in this really bad headspace. How does that get him hard again? It doesn't. So I think the more, yeah, this is every time we have a different problem on our hands.

But I think the more women can be like understanding. Go with the first. flow. Easier and not thinking it has anything to do with them is probably helpful too, because I know how we all get. Something that I talk about on my show all the time is that I do not, I want sex, I don't want sex to be so linear like we were talking about like, you kiss me, then you grab my boob, then you pull down my pants, then you stick your dick inside.

Like sex does, it doesn't have to be linear. It can be like, we're making out. I go down on you. You go out of me. Maybe we start sex. Then we go back to oral. Then we go back to this. Maybe no one finishes.

Maybe we get pizza and come back around. Like, I think we're. so like it has to end. No, it's sexual. The pizza is, I'm just not hungry. Pizza's the end. So hungry. Pizza's time to go to sleep, to be honest.

But hey, if you want to have a pizza midway through, live your truth. I love that you said that, Emily. I'm really glad you said that. Like, there's no formula to this year. Like, no formula. Sex is not formulaic. Neither is love. We got this a lot.

I think it's a loaded question, but like if we, people said how much sex should I be having? So what is normal in a relationship? And I think that's very loaded because that has to do with you and how long you've been together. Yeah, everything though. But I think that everyone wants to know, like everyone's like, Emily, what is the know? What, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. I'm not going to tell people because every relationship gets to decide.

I think once a month isn't enough. And I think once a week feels good for many people. Some people want it more. And you just have to decide within the container of that relationship, what feels good to both of you. And then you do a work around. I'm like, okay, well, I want it five times. You want it once. So let's figure out how we can kind of two and a half times or one week it's two.

And, you know, so it just there is no right or wrong way. But if someone's really unhappy about it, you've got to figure out how we can make it so it works for everybody. Okay. I like that answer. How can I convince my man to let me put a finger in his ass? Very carefully. Why do you want it so bad, girl? I mean, no judgment.

I know. I don't. I hear you. Some women really want this. Is that a dominance thing from their end? I think they think that they, I think, again, we're seeing it a lot more in porn. Maybe their friends talk to them about it. But I think for many men, many straight men still fear that like something goes in my butt, it means I'm gay.

And no sex, these are a few reasons why. No sex act is going to make you gay. And then also, it's something that you have to kind of be, are your fingers clean, are your nails trimmed? Do you have enough lube? And so also, those are all the things you have to know about it. But for some men, it's scary to them. They're like, I've never had anything in my butt. And why do you want, like, is it going to feel good?

And the truth is, for many men, all men who have an anus, which are all of them, all men have a prostate. And for many men, it feels amazing to have a finger or a butt plug or a prostate toy. But it's something that they might want to try on their own or they might not want to try in the moment in the middle of sex. Like you're giving a blood job and the finger goes in the ass. So it's scary. It can be affronting. So I think it's because they don't have enough information. they're afraid it could hurt, like all the things.

So that's, you can't convince him, but what you can do is provide some information. So maybe you send him some. I mean, I've done a bunch of shows about prostate play for men. You send him an article, you know, blogs or something that they could kind of understand that, like, we have a G spot. Men have a P spot. And for men, it can feel great.

But they just, maybe he should try it on his own during masturbation, see what it feels like. So he can test the waters. So it's really just because it's confusing. Like he's never done it. and yeah. I can't drive this home enough because people ask about like,

you know, does this make my man gay or will he think that I think he's gay? I cannot drive this home enough. If your man has sex with another man, that makes him gay. If he's having sex with you, if your fingers are in his butt,

that doesn't make him gay. Exactly. Not at all. Not at all. In fact, it makes him, um, adventurous and open and open-minded

to like exploring an adventurer. Let us know what else could feel good. We have so many rodent zones. Right. We never explore them. Women and men. If your man is sucking a dick, he's probably gay. If he's not, we don't have to worry.

And he still might not be. Who knows, guys? No labels. Doesn't matter. Do it feels good. Just be honest, he's protection. I like this question. And I think you probably have some, like, good tips and tricks.

How do I get my man to perform better oral on me? Better oral is getting him to letting him know what feels good, to you, this is kind of an outside the bedroom conversation too. I have something on my site called the Kiven method and people are going crazy over this method. And if you go to sex with Emily.com and you Google Kivin method, K-I-V-I-N. And essentially it's, well, let me get to the tip in one moment. The point is that typically men do not, I think that every woman is different. So if you put a hundred women in a room and they were all masturbating, for example, they would all be touching themselves slightly differently. And so you have to show him.

what you like. He doesn't know what to do down there. He's not a mind reader or a vulva reader. And so I think the more you can be like softer, oh, it feels really good with your tongue, or I know fingers inside me, or go lighter, you just kind of have to direct them. But the reason why the Kiven method is because it's essentially you're lying vertically, and he's coming at you like horizontally perpendicularly. So think about this. Like usually if a guy's going down on you, he's licking up and down. Like he's going on your clitoris, the direction from your toes to your head up and down. But when he's going perpendicular, like the thigh to thigh,

he's licking across all these nerve endings and your vulva because remember your vulva, your vaginal lips, your labia, the clitoris has legs and the legs are, I wish I had my clitoris here. I don't. My clay clitoris. Just take your vagina out. I would in a minute.

Give me a drink. But this is your labia. So right behind here there's all these nerve endings. So if you're coming like this and you're going, rather than this, just focusing on this, you're just hitting more surface area with your tongue. Oh my God. It's amazing. Cool.

So they should almost lay like perpendicular to you. And so they're like. Like you're a crot. Like you're a tea. Exactly. You're a tea. And it just, it's been this like, and here's a thing. In all the 15 years, like, I brought this up a few years ago.

And I've never had so many emails from people like, holy shit, my partner, crazy orgasm, It never happened before. So yeah, it really can work for many people. But that's just one method. And I think it's also going slow and also getting your pearsy other thing. What we need to know is women is that our partner is in it. Like to me, the sexiest thing is a man going down to me saying, babe, lay back. I got you.

I'm not going anywhere. We've got all night. Because then I'm like, oh, he's in. But otherwise, we're staring at the clock. It's been eight minutes. It's been 10 minutes. He doesn't really want to be doing this. I'm not even close.

And then we're at blah, blah, we're in our head. And so I think just kind of letting your partner know that you need to know that he's into it. And so they could let you know how sexy you are, how good it tastes. So all those things will allow us to feel a little bit more safe with it. And then we can let go. We want to know they want to dig in. I think my problem is like telling a guy, like I love guys going down to me. But I've also had situations where a guy's going down to me and I just, I'm ready to have sex.

Like he's not doing the exact thing. I don't feel like training him in that moment, and I want him to just come on up. And I think I'm always thinking of the nicest, sexiest way to say, stop. How about I want your cock inside me? It's got to be about their dick, yeah. So I think that's good. I want to come on your dick. That's what I say.

Thank you. Put it in me. Great variations of it. Like, I want you inside of me works. Like, I just think it's because sometimes in my head, like, what you're saying is, please stop. But like, don't say that in the bedroom. So I think I'm ready for the dick.

Let's do this. Let's go. And then afterwards, in this like neutral thing, you're like, that was hot. When you're going down to me, I was thinking what I loved was this. It's so hard to explain what I like because everyone's different. And then you give them feedback later. You're right. We've all been laying there and been like, this is terrible.

Please stop doing this. You're just spitting all over my clip. I love this. As a rule, it's not about stop. It's about. Pivot. I need you inside of you. Get your dick up here.

Okay. Get your dick up here. Right here. Right here. Like you're a coach. Ashley just bought a whistle. Ashley wears the dog. Raina, shut up.

No, I feel like you should wear your gym teacher uniform in bed. You're a referee. Get your thing in the game, kid. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. Let's do one more.

Big question. What do you do with balls? Such a great question. I mean, I think it's a case-by-case basis. Some men don't want their balls touch, But I think you ask them, like, is this when you're, like, giving a blow job? You're like, how do you like to be touched? But I think you have to remember you kind of just softly cupping the balls.

I'm showing you here. Softly cupping them and, like, holding on to them and just more like, you're moving, you're kind of like those, what are they called? Those, like, those balls that you play with in your stress balls. Or it's kind of like very gentle. I like to move on like marbles. Yeah. Very gentle.

You can use some lube. You know how I'm a huge fan of lube, just moving it around and like, just kind of hold it. I think, and there's a certain kind of just holding them. You don't want to squeeze. You don't want to. tug. You can also lick them when you're going down, licking them, maybe like, sucking it into your mouth. There's like this move where you're just like, and they kind of

like blow it into your mouth a little bit if they're into it, but not too hard with your teeth. But again, different strokes, different ways for different people. Ask them if they're into it. I think most guys are into a nice firm. That's a good call. But just check. But even, I think some women maybe don't know that just even copying is enough. Like, it's just a warm hug on the balls. Like I think women get it in their hand and they're like, what do I do now? And it's like maybe that's enough. So just ask. Warm hug and the balls.

That's the best thing ever heard. Like I literally want to write that down. Just a little warm hug. A little snuggle. A little snuggle. Ashley brings a scarf to the bedroom. She just wraps it around like a little bow. Oh my God.

Cup the ball. Well, this has been so fantastic. I love this episode. I know Ashley and I, we just, I can feel it when we're done recording that this was something so amazing. So fun, you guys. I adore you guys. We know people are going to want to find you

and look into your advice. So tell everybody everywhere that they can find you. Everywhere. Okay, well, everything's at sex with Emily.com is a great place to start. My website is like so many podcasts and blogs about all the things we talked about.

My podcast is called Sex with Emily on every platform. We release it three times a week. So wherever you listen to podcasts, just subscribe to that. There's all different kinds of topics. Also, Sirius XM Radio. I am on five nights a week, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific.

And you can call in with your questions then. and then all social media, sex with Emily. So it's just easy wherever you go. All right. Well, thank you so much. Guys, you know where to find us. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com. Girls Gotteeat Podcast on Instagram.

Raina. Greenberg on Instagram. Ash Hess. Girls underscore Gotta eat on Twitter. And YouTube.com slash Girls Gotta Eat. And we'll see you next week. Have it a week, guys. Bye.