Girls Gotta Eat - How Often Are Couples Really Having Sex?

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

If you've ever wondered – Is my sex life with my partner normal? Should we be having more sex? How much sex is everyone else having? – this episode is for you. We gathered a ton of data from our audience about the stages of their relationships and how often they're having sex. We discuss how your sex life changes when you move in with someone, get married, and have kids, plus we break down the reasons couples aren't doing it and what gets in the way most. And we also talk about scheduling sex – who's doing this and why, and does it lead to more/better intimacy? Before we get into the topic, we're talking about shopping for Indian attire for Ashley's wedding, why Rayna crashed out right before we recorded, and an update on Azul's teeth. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Julie Care: Find Julie at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon and GoPuff across all 50 states. No age restrictions and no ID required. Wix: Go to https://wix.com to start building your website today. Skims: Get our favorite bras and underwear at https://skims.com/gge. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first order and free shipping at https://nutrafol.com with code GGE10. Helix: Get 27% off at https://helixsleep.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We all want to know, am I normal? Is this normal? Is my relationship healthy? And like, what is everybody else doing? This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

Welcome back. What? I cut myself shaving on my face, which I'll tell you. Shaving. Let's hear it. I tried to destroy my whole body at my face before I left the house today. So, first of all, I, you know, I'm like a psycho about people in my house. like eating, drinking.

I want to let red wine in my house. Yeah, walking, anything. How dare you? I'm very careful. Come into this house and try to live. I don't want it. So I, this morning, I've never gotten anything on any of my furniture.

I just, nothing. One time I had sex on that white couch and that's it. And even then I need to come on it. No, I just let them come inside of me. Yeah. But this morning, I was eating cold pasta with marinera sauce. With your hands. No, with a fool.

Well, I just have what you would be. I'm so. Where are the house? I love to eat some tortellini with my hands. Oh. It's nice. It is nice. Sly little slimy little fingers in there.

I was doing penny and it's a little marginally harder than a tortellini. I was sorry about that. Continue. I got in trouble for doing that. In your house. I got in trouble for doing that in my fiance's car. Eating penny with my hair. You love to stick your fingers into somebody else's food.

You love your fingers. It was my food. You're always like pitch your fingers. I traveled with my penny. No matter what. Across the country. It was in the overhead bin. It's disgusting.

It's so weird quality. I love it. No, I feel like I need to, just, I don't want to cut your story. I fuck it. People that bring food to the airport are so weird to me, like homemade food. Tracy Ellis Ross says she will not eat airplane food. Because what's worse? Your nice home-cooked meal or the airplane food, they heated up at 20,000 feet in a microwave.

Mentally, it's... But don't judge bringing your own food. Our queen, Tracy. Ellis Ross was like, I will not. I bring my own shit. Listen, that's better because it's probably full of seed oils and it's bad for you. And it's heated up in aluminum and plastic. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. People tell you you should never drink water or coffee on an airplane. Yeah. No, I, my elbow hit the fork. The pasta went flying. Tomato sauce all over my kitchen stools, which are tan. Reno, stop.

I'm like, I shuddered. Mariner sauce in little penny shapes all over. The like, it's linen, it's hard to clean. You have the same barstoles that I have. Can you imagine little penny-shaped marinara? I'm picturing the way the sauce is flying through the air in slow-mo and landing on the cream-colored bar stools. Like 12 little pennies covered in Marinera. So I'm like, motherfucker.

So I get up. I'm like covering in oxy-clean. I'm scrubbing. I'm blotting. I'm like, whatever. I move that chair away to, like, clean it more later. I sit back down to do episode prep. and I punched my coffee off of the counter onto the other stool.

And coffee just explodes all over the other. How are you here? I don't know. How did you make it through the morning? So brave. I'm so brave. This feels like this would be the end for you. She died.

Losing her mind. crashing out about her home. So I don't know what's going to happen when I get home. Everything is covered in oxyclean, has been scrubbed. Like, it's really terrifying. I don't know. This was going to be a story about you cutting your face shaving. I did that too.

Okay. And that pales in comparison now. Yeah, I don't even care about that anymore. But also, I'm not like a, I'm not a, I'm not a clumsy person. I don't, I like, I'm, I have control of my body. It's not that big. I don't have long limbs. I'm very in control.

I didn't, well, I drank last night, but like not a lot. And I'm not hung over. I'm like clear headed. I got a good night's sleep. There's no reason why I was so clumsy. And then, yeah, I used a tinkle on my face because I have like a lot of peach fuzz. Actually, if I had like, black hair, it might be a problem. So if you guys aren't tinkling, you should get on it.

It's derma planing. Some places will try to charge you for this. You can do it at home. I mean, I'm sure they do something different when you're paying for it at some sort of like spa. But you just get, they're called tinkle. You get like a three pack on Amazon. Some other brands sell like nicer ones, but all you need is the tinkles. And you just shave your face.

And it really is like an exfoliator. I mean, men get to do this all the time. They just get to shave their shit. Thank you for bringing up men. So I used to get a little peach fuzz off of like my jawline. I think we all do. And your makeup goes on smoother when you shave and dermaplane and don't get all twisted up thinking you're going to grow faster or darker.

I don't. I guess it could happen, but it shouldn't happen. And once you start doing it, you will notice a difference and you will notice other peoples. I feel like I have a fright. I don't know how to tell her. You got to shave your face. So blonde-haired people don't know.

We don't know. because we have like so much, it's just, it's blonde. But I had dark hair, it would be a problem. We just, we don't know.

I was not aware of it until a couple years ago. You can't feel the hair in your face? I'm just not aware. I just, I thought that's just how we're supposed to be. Which is also fine.

Whatever you want to do is totally fine. I mean, you know, I don't, I don't shave my thighs. It's crazy. But, okay, so I nicked my face. Yes.

Because I was like, how does one shave along their jawline? And I don't really have much of a jawline to begin with. I don't have like a really defined jawline. and we're like working around. So what I don't understand is like men who are so incapable of most things, how are men triggering this out?

Yeah, the angles are hard. I've cut my face before. Do you lift up your cheek? I was lifting up the skin. Oh, I guess I don't really, you know, I have a few rogue chin hairs and I pluck those, but I'm not like tinkling along my jaw line, I guess. I don't know. I tinkled the jaw.

The way of one of our stockbrokers from next door just is, he's in the room, basically. It was so close to our door on his headset. Well, you were changing your bra. He changed it like three times. I was like, we should get them in here. Okay. All right. Let's get into it. I just was amazed that like men are able to do this. Yeah. It's a really hard skill to learn, shaving your face. And they're not walking around covered in cuts, but they like can't find things in the refrigerator. They do things well that they care about. Got it. So that's that. What is it? Weaponizing competence. Nailed it. So they can shave their face, but, oh, weird. I couldn't find my jeans that are in the dryer.

Oh, where my keys are missing. Where's the ketchup in the fridge? Where's the key? Okay, we're going to thank some of our partners and get right into it. Julie Care. Girls, girls, girls everywhere can find Julie at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon, and GoPuff across all 50 states, no age restrictions and no ID required ever. We'll talk to you guys more about it.

And Wix, go to Wix.com and start building your website. And finally, Skims, get our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. slash gg. And thank you to neutroful. Get $10 off your first order and free shipping at Nutraful.com with code GGE. And Helix get 27% off at helix sleep.com slash gge. Okay. So a few things we want to talk about. I wanted to give an update on Azul's teeth. So I had mentioned before that the vet had wanted to pull a bunch of his teeth and they called me when he was under anesthesia again, his teeth cleaned, and I just felt like I couldn't make that decision. And I wanted to talk to Dr. Lisa Lippman, who was my vet and friend in New York, and just

chat with her and show her the x-rays and just make sure it was the right decision. And we have decided to pull them next Tuesday. So you guys get one more week to really take in Azul's teeth. And if you're listening now and just take the time to mourn them and say goodbye to them this week. Did you think about the wedding when you picked the date? Like what you want him to look like in the photo. I know. I've been thinking about the wedding.

Like I keep looking at his face and being like, he's not going to look like this for the wedding because obviously he's going to be in the wedding. Yeah, but like big changes in the house. You'll be a wife and he will be a toothless wonder. Stop, Raina. He's only losing like 10. He still has plenty. So the thing is, he's always had fucked up teeth.

I mean, right when I got it, when I rescued him, we had to pull a couple and he's missing some and they were kind of like broken and decayed. But the bottom teeth, he's supposed to have six incisers there. four and they stick out. He has an underbite. You guys have seen it. It's like his whole look. It's like really defines the way he looks and he just looks so, so cute. But those are all going to go. Azul, do you want to get up and show your face to the people? Oh, baby boy. And I love my vet here. And I've just talked to Dr. Lisa about it. And she saw the x-rays and she talked to one of her other vet friends who's a dental specialist. And she confirmed that like teeth are one of the main things

in pets that cause them discomfort, that they can. can't really obviously show you or tell you. And of course, there can be infection and disease, but just in general that they can really be uncomfortable. And she told me a few stories about clients, pets, cats and dogs that she had that just like changed their life, getting their teeth pulled because they really are uncomfortable. And it breaks my heart to think that he could be uncomfortable in any way. And of course, I was going to make the best decisions for his health. And he doesn't seem like he's in pain ever. But if he has more energy and just seems even happier than is now, it's going to be, like, I'll be happy, but I'll be so sad that it didn't happen earlier.

Don't think about it. Yeah. So, anyway, if this is something you guys are struggling with, I mean, Azul has like a little girlfriend in the park, and I talk to his mom and they, like, see each other in the mornings, and she told me that she had to pull her dog's teeth, and she was like a different dog afterwards. I can't wait to meet New Azul. And it might be fine. Ten teeth down.

And you don't know for sure. I mean, Azul's happy. Like, he has energy. He's really, like, a happy dog. Like, I wouldn't think anything. He eats fine. He chews on treats and toys fine. I was Dewey was trying to kill people. Yeah. You would think Dewey was really angry about something.

So anyway, some people had asked me for the update, and that is the update. So next Tuesday, the 26th, I think, and he's going to go under again and lose those teeth. And I honestly am looking forward to it. He's going to have a new look. He's going to be just as cute, but he's going to feel better. We're going to do like a photo shoot and just make sure we really capture. I mean, a million photos of Azul, but. Yeah, get some more. Get some goodbye photo shoot.

That's the story. Say goodbye to being single and goodbye to his teeth. Yeah, so that's the tea. We had a really special experience this weekend. We went shopping for outfits for your wedding. Yeah, for the Indian part of the wedding. Yeah. So we went shopping for the clothes and we went to Kaina.

And Kina is where I've gotten all my other Indian looks for all the other Indian weddings that I've been to prior. And they're just the go-to. And it's like the most beautiful clothing and the highest quality. There's a large range of price points and like really anything you're looking for. The site is really easy to navigate. So I'd always known them and that's where I got all my stuff. And when I posted about them before, I started chatting with the owner.

Her name's Aisha. And I was like, I'll go in there and get the looks for the wedding and brought you. And they have one store and it's in my neighborhood in Santa Monica. And we went there and it was just such a wonderful experience. I mean, they are really the best in the game when it comes to this type of clothing. They're the best ones doing it. I just didn't realize the range. I mean, you go in the store, everything is bejeweled.

There's tassels and jewelry, and there's a million colors, and they just do it really differently in that culture than Western culture. And they pulled all these looks for us, and, like, you can wear, like, a crop top to your wedding, which I love, and there's, like, different lengths and giant skirts and beading, and there's so much jewelry. and they can do different. I mean, they're going to do some custom stuff for us. They're the best. And all of our guests who are coming,

we're directing them to shop there too and just browse the site. And there's a bunch of stuff that's ready to ship, but there's also custom you put in your sizes and it's like really made to fit you. And it takes a little bit longer, of course. They do men's too. Now my fiancee's looking on there

for maybe his tucks for like the wedding wedding because they do some of that too. I mean, they really have it all. And a funny like full circle moment is this woman named Shri who she works at the boutique where I got my wedding dress, she also works there. So I got randomly assigned to her when I went wedding dress shopping.

And when she told me she also works at Kaina, I'm like, this is crazy. So she was there. So the woman who picked out my wedding dress was also there helping stylists with the Indian looks. And that was just so special. They got us a cake. It said girls got to get married. It was like the best day.

We just kind of took her of that store for an hour. I posted on my story. We'll put it on YouTube too. Like Ray and I came out from both of our dressing rooms and did like a first look. That's the first time I've ever seen you in anything like that. Obviously, you've never been to an Indian wedding or worn any sort of outfits like that. Yeah, I loved it. It was amazing.

It just was like the best day. And I love Shree. She really, Shri spent a lot of time with me naked yesterday. Well, Shri's the one who like measure, now she's measured me twice. So she has just been all over my body.

They take, and she said they do even more than like your traditional wedding bridal gown store. They do like 15 different measurements. Yeah. I was just butt naked because I wore like a little jumpsuit, a little romper and I didn't have underwear or bra. And she was like, I stare people's boobs all day.

It doesn't even like, I don't even see them anymore. And I was like, but what do you think of them? I just, I love her so much. We chose the same designer. Yeah. Mahima Mahajan is the designer. It made me really happy also because our friend Anushka, who also knows them very well, she immediately recognized the designer and has jewelry for us and everything.

Yeah. So I went a little bit different direction than I thought I was going to and I'm just like so excited and I came out. I was like, this is the one like I always know. And so if you guys want to check them out, I mean, people DM me all the time. They know that I've been to Indian weddings in the past and they're like, I have one coming up. Like where do I go? I'm like, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kinda, kind.

Like, you know, I just think you can find whatever you want, even you can just find inspo. And that's like the go-to. They have everything you would ever want. And as like formal or as casual even, like you can get a caftan or a pantsuit, like whatever you want to do. And for men too. Their website is shopkina.com. So shop k-y-n-h.com. Shop it up and, you know, just know we set you.

Shop it up. But I've just been really thinking about all the people that I've gotten to work with as I plan this wedding and all these women. And yes, there's a few men involved. I mean, my DJ is a man. I'm being a little cagey about him. I'm going to talk about him later. I'm so excited.

I just don't want to reveal it quite yet. I don't know. these women yesterday. And it's just, I felt so supported and surrounded by all these, like, badass women and my hair stylist and my makeup artists, they know each other, they work together, like, they're going to be in the suite with us, just getting ready. And I'm just loving it. The process. Yeah, I'm loving the process and meeting all these women and like talking, I mean, they're doing my hair, they're doing my makeup, they're picking out outfits. Like, we're talking about the photography. I'm just like getting to know them. You have this,

like, special bond. They're going to be with you on this special day. And that's just been a really cool thing. I'm glad you feel like that because I think a lot of people feel like I plan this wedding. I put so much energy into it. It's over in five hours, you know? And I think it's important to remind yourself to enjoy the process and enjoy the people that you're around because you're going to spend so much money and so much time and it's like over in like the blank of an eye. Yeah, totally. It's just like, I don't know. It feels special. I mean, I credit Jacqueline from the wedding plan and co. We'll have her on again. You guys can check her out. I've talked about her at length. like finding these people that she knew I would vibe with.

And just like, even when I'm working with them, the conversations we're having, I'm like, oh, you are it. And I'm just like, you got to come to the wedding and you got to stay. And I'm having a really hard time hanging out with people, like, friends that aren't invited to the wedding and like not inviting to the wedding and being like, wait, like you got to come to the wedding. Like, we have friends that you didn't invite to the wedding. Well, we were out with our like a newer friend, Hallie on Saturday night.

And she's asked me about the wedding. And I'm like, it's weird. You're not coming to the wedding. Like, I'm having these moments with, I mean, I can't invite everyone I've ever known in my life. Yeah, that's fine. So you're like, you're like, out. And you're like, yeah, but you got to come. Well, it's an invitation for them to try to suck up to you.

Like, I keep being like, no, you got to come to wedding. Like, I can't keep being like this. The closer you get, why not? You're like, there's seats. Yeah, like, that's how it might me. It might be like a month out and I check my RCPs. I'm like, you snooze, you lose. Wait, I keep laughing.

I have this very funny epiphany last night. I was going to ask you. And I wonder if you're going to be like, yeah, Rayna, no shit. But I was like, on my balcony last night, I was like, I was like, think about all these people that are coming, like all these people that we don't get to see all the time and your family and people that maybe we see like just when we travel on the road. I was like, actually this wedding is going to be like so fun. Do you like stop to think about how fun the wedding is going to be or you just enjoy the process? Last night I think was the first time I actually paused and was like, this is going to be the most fun week.

And then I'll kind of like forget about people that are coming. And then Julio just texted me today. He's like, how's wedding planning going? We can't wait. Like just people like that. I'm like, we're going to lose our minds. And then I will just think about the DJ. I play this one.

You do are really excited about the DJ. We were fans of him. I will reveal all, whatever. We'll get to it. And how it all came about. And I'll like watch some of his reels. I'm like, that's going to be at the fucking wedding. Like he has this one like viral reel of him like mixing this song.

And the crowd went fucking crazy. And I'm like, that is going to be in our fucking wedding. I'm going to lose my mind. I'm just, I'm laughing so hard because we keep doing these little things. Like to play. plan for the wedding, like to go wedding dress shop and you're going to go on your bachelor's. And like, these little things that are fun. And I'm like, oh yeah, we're doing this to like have a wedding.

It's going to be the best fucking party. I really am laughing out loud because I really was like, this is going to be funny shit. It's going to be so fun. I keep forgetting people that are going to be there and like remembering. I'm going to feel really proud. I hope it's as fun as we think it's going to be. And I will feel so proud because that was the goal. Like I've been working so hard on this to have it feel a certain way, not.

feel a certain way. And if it really does end up how I have been envisioning, I'm just going to be like, man, I did that. And yes, I did it with a planner and all these people. But it's just like the vibes have been the top thing that's been so important to me and what I don't want and what I do want. And I've got to talk to a CO2 vendor. You're too cry out at the wedding.

Wait. At the ceremony? I'm not going to give this away. I'll tell you after. Can we talk about it before it happens? like at the ceremony, there's going to be cryo in front of me. I just need to know about it. And maybe you give me the button.

No, reception, reception, okay. The button. I now pronounce the man and wife. Can you imagine the photo ops? All right. We'll work it in. Sorry, we'll think about it.

Had it to the tab. I don't know what I'm going to live for after this. We'll think about it. And just one more thing. I announced last week my Philly show and my taping for New York. Philly sold out so quickly, sold out that day. So we added a second show. that's going to be on Wednesday, September 24th.

And you guys can grab those tickets if they're still available. So ash has.com and there are still some tickets available for the taping, special filming in New York as well. And then, of course, ending in Boston and there's still some tickets. But I just wanted to announce that I did out a second Philly show. Thank you guys so much. Just really swooped those tickets up. So ash has.com. Go birds.

Okay. So we're just going to thank a couple of our partners. And then we're going to get into this episode, which we are so excited to do. So we have a new partner. and it's Julie Care, so thank you to them. As a card-carrying girls' girl, I have something to tell you. This summer is not only about being sexy, it's about having a better morning after. So you heard that right.

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It's called science, people. The earlier you use it, the better it works, and when you need it, Julie, should be your plan A because it's more affordable than the leading competitor. Think of the savings as another drink on Julie. And the best part is that it's so easy to use. All it takes is one pill, and you're ready to get on with your life. The morning after pill cannot end an existing pregnancy,

but it won't affect future fertility whatsoever. So if you want to have kids down the line, that's cool too. Julie knows better than anyone that sex happens, and that never means you're screwed. like many sexually active women. I've taken the morning after pill before, and not only was it a breeze, but it was a major relief that I was able to make the choice for myself.

So Girls, Girls Everywhere can find Julie at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, Target, Amazon, and GoPuff across all 50 states, no age restrictions, and no ID required ever. I love that. We've all been there. So I love that they're making it so accessible. And maybe you were in the bed the night before. You had a good time in your bed,

and that's when you got to hitching. Julie up in the morning. I was like, mattress comes next. Yeah. So Helix, Raina and I love our Helix mattresses. We have had them for years. I've lost track of how many years it's been now. And we have multiple mattresses. We sleep on them. We have them in our guest rooms. I have one at my parents' house. And my brother made sure he had one anywhere I go. I really would have them. I wish I could just bring them on the road to me and sleep in them everywhere I am, every hotel. That would be great. But I sleep on the midnight locks. I also have the moonlight locks. And I used to have one of those in New York.

And I have some friends. They have the dusk lux. And there are the standard helix mattresses. There is the Lux collection. And then they're the elite. So that's the top top, of course. And you're just going to get online, take a little short quiz, and they are going to recommend the best mattress for you to have the best sleep of your life.

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We tell everybody it's such an upgrade. You guys can really get your Helix mattress and have the absolute best sleep of your life. So go to Helixleep.com slash GGE for 27% off sitewide. That is Helixleep.com slash GGE for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout. So they know we sent you. Helix Sleep. dot com slash gge so i was talking my dad the other day and he was saying he wants to start this new business idea and he wishes that like a i could just build him a website and he was like do you think that's possible and i was like yeah i got you wicks wicks dot com so go there do it and if you guys are starting a business i know a lot of people's barrier to entry is just building a website in

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website tech for 20 years now. So they are the goat of this. Ready to create your own website. Go to wicks.com. That's wicks.com to start building your website today. Thanks to wicks for supporting our show. Okay. Hot topic. We have been so excited to do this episode. We are talking about how often people are having sex. We have gotten asked this a lot. Yeah. In interviews, another podcast, like how often are people having sex? And it feels like a really loaded question because there's so many factors, like how long have you been together? do you live together? Do you have children? What's your age? What's your sex drive like? So it's hard to really quantify how often should you be having sex because it's tremendously loaded. Yeah, I love to see the Google searches on this and people asking these types of questions, even in chat, GBT.

I came up with this idea to do this episode out of curiosity for myself and thinking about my own sex life with my fiance and knowing that not a hot take, but if I'm thinking about it, so many other women, are and we all want to know, am I normal? Is this normal? Is my relationship healthy? And like, what is everybody else doing? And, you know, we just want to start by saying that sex is a relationship, it's its frequency, it's importance, its correlation to the strength of the relationship is so individual. And any TikTok therapist or relationship expert who tries to make these like black and white rules or tell you, this is how it should be, this is how it shouldn't be, don't do this, do this, is a fraud. And no one knows that better than us. And every single expert from Esther Perel to Ian Kerner, we've had all these experts on, will tell you that there are no rules. There's,

you know, definitely common themes that we saw in terms of like, what does X factor do to your relationship? So how long you've been together, once you've been together, get married, have kids. But everybody sort of reports how important this is to me differently and how I prioritize this in the relationship. And I think of myself is a very sexual person, really hypersexual. And the three people I've lived with, I've had very different sexual experiences in all three of those relationships. Yeah. We're going to really break this down. But it's so case by case, people can have a really healthy, stable, loving, intimate relationship that don't have sex very often. And people can have that type of relationship that do have sex very often. And then people can have relationships that are

obviously so unhealthy, so volatile, and they're fucking every day. I mean, it's just doesn't have to be an indicator. So what we found, and we will tell you guys, but you guys are so incredible. We say it time and time again, we posted a dozen, like two dozen polls and question slides, and we have responses from 25,000 people, which I feel like emotional about that, but you guys are still open about your lives and it is such a sensitive subject. But what I found overwhelmingly was that people sort of measure their relationship by what is our intimacy like?

what is our partnership like? And there's different ways to build intimacy outside of penetrative sex, oral sex, and sex in general, and that being a marker for sex. And adding sex incrementally, like, it sort of reminded me of when they say, like, you, up to a certain dollar amount, like, once your basic needs are covered, once you have like a house and clothing, a little bit spending money for, like, going out, small increases in the amount of money you make, or even big increases, don't change how happy you are.

I love that. metaphor. And the more I saw with this, you could say like, I wish we were having sex five times a week, but small increases in sex actually don't research-wise show that you will be happier in a relationship. Yeah. And I think there is obviously such a difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And there's also a difference between physical sexual intimacy and physical, non-sexual intimacy and just the closeness that you have with your partner. in terms of touching, hugging, cuddling, that's not any sort of foreplay. I guess you could put it in the foreplay bucket,

but I mean things that are not sex or leading to sex that day. And I think about this a lot. And, you know, my personal experience is obviously that we were long distance. We were seeing each other maybe an average of twice a month, sometimes three weeks between,

but then sometimes way more, like a bunch of weekends in a row around the holidays and spending all that time together. and I would go to Boston. He would come to L.A. Obviously, we'd stay each other's respective homes. We traveled a lot. He would meet us out on tour.

We were in a lot of hotels. We had a lot of hotel sex, a lot of vacation sex. And when it was new, I mean, we were having sex three times a day, you know, morning, noon, to night. Like, Cabo was just red face the whole time. And, you know, then it was a little less than that, but it was still a ton. And it was less frequent due to being long distance, but it was so much more condensed. And he moved in.

And, of course, I'm having sex three times a day. Obviously, I mean, I guess that's not, you could be. I don't know, it's not that's obvious, but it's funny to me because we do have sex mostly on the weekends, which feels like that's how we were when we were long distance. It makes me wonder if that is what we did before, and so that's what we still do. And like, we'll throw in like a weekly session here and there. And, you know, sometimes we'll have a double header in a day.

And sometimes we'll go, maybe nearly a week. And I love our relationship and I'll speak on it a little bit more. But I don't know. Was it a concern when we moved in? I mean, it was a concern before. We have so much information and what moving in and that type of familiarity and like lack of mystery and separation can really hinder the eroticism. And I don't want to get into like a rut, you know.

I certainly didn't feel like anything was wrong or I wasn't unsatisfied. But I was just like, we're not having sex all the time. Like we did when we were long distance, but that's on our life now. I think that all couples, I mean, unless you are so outside the norm, and we will get through all the stats. But all couples have that moment where they hit the change point where they go from spontaneous desire to responsive desire. We've talked a lot about this with Dr. Ian Kerner, and this is a very common theory.

But spontaneous desire happens a lot in the beginning of a relationship, but you're just horny for each other all the time spontaneously. You just walk into a room and you're like, we're fucking. Yeah. You know? And then responsive desire is I need to be coached into this a little more. I need an environment where I feel horny. I need to feel intimately connected to you.

And all couples hit that shift where like you're just not, it's not so new anymore. And life has taken over and you've moved in together. It's not so sexy anymore. And all couples go like, oh my God, is this over? Yeah, we've fallen off a cliff. Yes. And are we a statistic now? Do we not have sex anymore?

Do we not want each other? And I really enjoyed the answers from our listeners who talked about what moving in together meant for them and what getting married meant because, yes, sex diminishes when you do those things, but you find other ways to have intimacy. And I'd be curious a lot of people that say, like, we're not having enough sex if you also feel desired by your partner in other ways. And if that would make up for it. Like, do you feel appreciated? Does somebody tell you that you look pretty today, that they're proud of you? Do you feel a deep intimacy? Like, is that really what's missing rather than I need more penetrative sex? Totally. Yeah, we'll talk about all of it.

And it is. It's interesting because I still support people deciding to live apart. Like I'm not the same person I was. I just so haven't to live with somebody. But I'm just like, I get it. That's what makes your relationship healthy. But you move in together. There's less spontaneity just by nature.

You're sharing a bedroom. It's not as many bust into the hotel or wherever you are and rip each other's clothes off. We still get to do that. We still make sure that happens from time to time. It's just like not as frequent. So should we just get into some of these stats? Yeah. So we started off the statistics by just saying like how long have you guys been together,

married, living together, and not. So no shock here. Couples have been together less than six months. You're fucking a lot. And you live in the same city. So we kind of excluded long distance relationships because they're really going to skew everything. No slight to them. We both have been in that.

So it's just kind of like they were going to skew the data a little bit. And I think long distance relationships you can kind of assume when you're together, you're fucking. You're fucking continuous. Right. And if not, that's okay too. Whatever you got going on. But anyway.

Okay. So yes, new couple, you live in the same city or town, you do not live together. So newly dating. Yeah, newly dating. So the predominant answer was three to four times a week very closely. Second is one to two times a week. You guys are fucking a lot. Yeah. This is a new relationship, new bodies, new stuff to do. After that was five plus times per week, 13%. When are you, that's a lot of, that's a lot. You're not living together. So that's, you're, you got to, you're seeing each other a lot unless you're kind of doing like three here or two. here in a day, five times in a weekend, which is very possible. Oh, maybe they're doing like two first, you know, like two a days and things like that. Are you working? Yeah, if you were from home, they fuck in the morning. And then one to two times per month is 7%. So I'd be curious about those people and what their story is.

And if they're satisfied with that, that is not the norm here statistically. And probably across the board, even outside of our audience, is that your new relationship and it's that infrequent. And obviously, I mean, Ashley and I could have asked a hundred more questions, but how interested are you in sex? Yeah. How important is sex to you, which we do talk about a little bit later in this episode. But it's just early on, yeah, you guys are fucking a lot. Okay. So next is you're a new-ish couple.

You're dating for six months to two years. You live in the same city again and you do not live together. So this is like you're like a solid, committed couple. You could be together, you know, a year, year and a half, even two years, not married, not living together. how often do you have sex? So for these people, one time a week, one to two times is the highest bucket, 55%. And then three plus times a week, 31%. So you guys are still fucking one to two times per month, 12%.

And then less than once a month will be 1%. So the norm really is still one to two times. I mean, you guys haven't gotten married, given to kids, not a huge change up to two years. The next one is you've been together for two. to five years, so years, and you are living together. This does make a difference. Married or not. Married doesn't really seem to make much of difference. It's obviously more living together. We'll get to it. So two to five years living together. And again, one to two times per week seems to be the norm, 54%. Then we have one to two times per month. That's 27%. Three plus times per week.

So it could be as many. We only had like limited boxes to put answers in. 13%. And then less than once a month is 5%. So in that six month to five years, it's still a little over half of the people that responded are having sex one to two times per week. Yeah, which is great. Good for you guys. And then you've been together five plus years living together, married or not.

So how after you having sex? The largest bucket is still one to two times per week. It's 49%. One to two times per month, 34%. and then it kind of equals out. So less than once a month, 9%, 3 plus times per week, 8%. Good for that. Wires.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. And we, again, it was just like we wish we could have been like 3, 5, 7, 9, you know, but it was just, we stuck with 3 plus. So how often are most people having sex, even 5 plus years, 1 to 2 times per week? This obviously changes with the amount of time you guys have been together, you've moved in together. Having kids, it doesn't fall off a cliff the way I thought I was going to. It does change.

It shifts. So married with children. And again, we wish we could ask so many more specific questions. How many children? Do you have a newborn? Or you have teenagers? Like, it's so different. But we at least wanted to show that there does seem to be a change.

And we did ask you guys for actual answers of how did it change. So we'll get into that. Yeah, and we'll get into that. More specifics. So you are married with children. How often do you have sex? The predominant answer is one to two times per month. And that is 41%.

Then we have our one to two times per week people at 36% in second place. Less than once a month is 17%. And three plus times per week is 6%. And again, it's just so different. Like fresh new baby is different than grown kids. But yeah, it changes. It changes a lot. So just to really wrap up the data that we found and we also cross-referenced it

with a bunch of different articles on the internet, once per week really does come up as this sweet spot. And we found articles that said couples who have sex about once every week tend to report the greatest well-being. And there's really, again, no universal should. It depends entirely in what the couple finds mutually satisfying. But really that one-ish time per week seems to be the norm across the board. And as I said before, studies show frequency beyond that.

So more than once or twice weekly doesn't necessarily boost happiness. So people are looking for other ways of closeness, not just having sex with each other. And so then we asked you guys just a couple quick questions if you thought sexual frequency equals relationship health. And only 16% said absolutely yes. 65% predominant answer said in part. 16% not really and 2% not at all. And we also asked, would you like to have more sex than you currently do?

49% said yes. And so that makes me think that these are women who are answering who would like to have sex more often. 34% said no, I'm satisfied. And 17% said no, but my partner probably would. And again, we never know who's all of who we're talking to, but most of our followers are women. And so that question was kind of like thinking about women that may be unsatisfied. And that's a little loaded. You know, why aren't you having sex?

So is the answer, would I like to have more time for sex? Yes. Would I love to have more capacity for sex? Yes, because we asked you guys what gets in the way of sex the most often and the number one predominant answer is 60% of you stress and work. So I wish I just felt sexier at the end of the day. I'm not trying to like catch a dick in my mouth, you know? Parenting responsibilities accounts for 14% of this.

Lack of interest, 15% and emotional distance 11%. So I think people are just stressed out. There's a lot going on. Yeah. I mean, and this is why I talk about the weekend sex. Like that's the kind of couple that we are. I mean, we work really hard. I'm busier now than ever before.

He works all day. And we come home, we want to relax a little bit and we cook dinner. Maybe we go out or do something or we watch something. And then it's like, time for bed, you know? And then it just doesn't feel as sexy. We're like in bed. You know, it's just I like the spontaneity more about when we have the weekends. The vibes are different.

So when you're long distance or you don't live together, a lot of people reported this and I read this a lot, there is this expectation that you will have sex every time you see each other, that we have a date night, we fuck at the end of it. We sleep because there's houses three times a week or four times. We'll have sex. And when people move in together, overwhelmingly, they responded that their sex lives changed. Of course, you've been together longer, but people just see you in unsexy versions of you. You don't feel as sexy all day long. And I was really happy to see so much of the responses were really positive about maybe we had less sex, but I have more ways to feel intimate with my partner.

There's less pressure. There's less expected of me to have sex every time I see them. And so we can build intimacy in other ways. We cook dinner more often together. We take more walks after work together more often. I see them in a different light. I get to hear them on work phone calls. People feel really a lot more intimately connected to their partner

and are seeking it out a little less. Yeah, because these seem to be the times when your sex life changes. When you move in together and of course and you have kids. So we asked if you're living with your partner, did your sex life change when you moved in together? and how. And we did get a mixed bag of no and yes. And some of the responses, again, like Raina said, were really positive. It helps us to be intimate even when we don't have sex. If anything, it got better because I feel even deeper intimacy with my partner, made it easier for us to do it more often.

We took it for granted and now we put more intention behind planning it. Someone says, I actually feel less pressure now that it's expected of me every time I see him, like Raina was saying, it's not more or less frequent, but it just got better. And someone said it's like change the times day we do it. And then we also got, we're just always together, so it's less interesting. And things became a little less sexy and close quarters. And it became less spontaneous. And it fluctuates because we have shit to do. And also, I learned more about him and became less interested in it, which that's a little bit of red flags. I mean, I think that is, I think that you move on people and you learn things. I've lived with three partners, one of them moving

in together. That was the end of the relationship. Our sex life fell off the cliff. I learned more about him. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Like, curiosity can breed sexual desire. You're not curious anymore. We were long distance, and yeah, every time we saw each other, it was like three times a day, couldn't keep our hands off each other. The second the plane landed, we were just, like, naked on our backs.

But, like, he moved in, and I really saw the way he lived and the way that he spent his days, and it became less sexy. And it's an very unfortunate way to learn really quickly that maybe you don't want to be with somebody, but we did learn quickly at least, and then we didn't like sink years into this relationship, which is good. But yeah, listen, sometimes you just get to know somebody a little better you don't like him anymore. I know. I really loved reading these because I feel like this in that I feel closer to my fiance than ever before, which I should. We're getting married soon. Like, I love him more every day. Like I try to, I don't even want to, I'll just like start crying.

I can't believe how much I love this person. and I'm just so happy in our relationship. And of course, the sex we have is great. I'm so attracted to him. I think he's like the hottest man in the world. But we are really physically close, like, in the home. Like, we are always on each other. We hug a lot.

Like, we'll dance and we'll cuddle up on the couch. And we just are very physically close and intimate. I've never felt closer to a person. So I feel always really connected to him. And I was curious about the dynamic of the couples and their non-sexual intimacy versus their sexual intimacy. And like if you're really affectionate

and physically close with each other around the house, do you feel less pressure or desire to have sex because you're always feeling that closeness? Or if you're less affectionate and close, do you crave sex more because that's the primary time when you're feeling close? And I don't know if there's a correlation. Like I feel close to him

when we're hugging and cuddling and doing all that, but I also want to have sex as well. But like I just always feel connected. Unless, of course, we're going through something, some sort of tension for, which is rare for us, but it happens, of course, with any couple it does. But I was just wondering that, you know, because we are really physically affectionate with each other.

I don't know about physical affection, but like intimate connection for me has a big difference. It really affects my relationships. And I've had two that were really opposite men I lived with, one that we fucked all the time. And I never felt like he, he never said he nice to me. He never said he was proud of me. or that I looked pretty today or I was doing a great job or he appreciated anything.

Like the only time I really felt a real closeness to him was when we had sex. And we had sex every morning. I would have never let him out the door without having sex because I think it's the only time I really felt so connected to him. Whereas the other of the longest relationship I've ever had, we didn't have sex that much. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him. I wasn't a less sexual person. I still masturbated.

I just, I didn't need it to feel connected to him as much. And so we were always on top of him. each other, holding hands, sitting on his lap, cuddled up on the couch. I just, I just didn't, I didn't need to, like, get on top of him and have sex as much. Yeah. And I do feel even more connected to him when we have great sex, too. But I'm just wondering about this. And I think that this is a lot with men. You men aren't as open and vulnerable. For some, not all, of course, not my partner

and not previous partners are yours and not partners of our listeners, all of them. But some men really don't open up and they don't get that emotional intimacy with their partner. And so that's the only time when they really let the walls down. And so I can see a world in which you don't really get that and you're not feeling that closeness. And so you really do need that sex to feel that way. And I don't know that men are really raised. It's not that I don't think they're raised to value it, but I think that men are raised to fuck to have a bunch of sex and can easily make the jump to equating like intimacy with a partner to just sex. And so they prioritize it a little bit more. And we don't really have a

male audience. We have some males, but predominantly female, so we don't, we didn't poll men versus women, how much more sex would you like to be having? But any research you read, men report to want to be having more sex than women. But that's also really loaded. Women really feel like the, the needs of the household and children fall disproportionately on them. And so I don't think women are like, I want to get fucked more. I think they're like, I'd like an hour to get a manicure some of the time. I'd like a little help. That would turn me on. Yeah. And what we see really prevalent, is women want to be having sex more, especially as we age and as men age, they lose their sex drive more. And so our sexual peaks, I say sexual peaks in quotes, like don't always match

up. And I mean, as men get closer to their late 30s, 40s, scientifically, their sex drive drops. And women really aren't. You know, as you reach perimenopause and you get into menopause, it can, of course. And then we have so many other things going on with whatever we're doing with our birth control and hormonally. But in terms of, terms of those statistics, they can be a mismatch. And so you have a lot of dissatisfied women. And we've been told our whole lives, men are just horny. They want to fuck all the time. It's just not the truth. I think we just want to feel desired. I think you hear it time and time again, I'd like him to initiate more. I'd like him to try more. And we joke around like what initiating

means. And like, again, in the beginning of a relationship, this spontaneous desire, initiating just means touching me. We're just sitting on a couch together and you touch my arm and like we're fucking. But initiating and longer term relationships, for me means like did you think about me? Did you plan something for me? Are the things that we need done taking care of? Like that's quote unquote initiating, not like looking at me at the end of the day at 10.30 we're sitting in bed and being like, do you want to fool around? Like nothing turns me on less. I know. And I was talking about this initiating conversation. And again, if you were to ask me, who used to initiate sex in the first year of the relationship? I'd be like, I don't know. We just

came together. You know, like Shan Boudram was like it was on site, you know, when you're new. and especially it's long distance. And I always feel comfortable initiating, I guess, what does that mean? Just we start kissing and one thing leads to another, you know, or we're laying in bed or whatever happens. We're in the kitchen and doing our thing. But of course I want him to initiate. I want to feel desired.

I think most women have that feeling of your partner seeing you. They have to have you. And they, you know, push you up against a wall, you know, consensually and gently. But, you know, that kind of a little bit of that assertiveness or that aggressiveness even. But I have come to realize that I really do. like to initiate because it's when I want it. And I am not ready for sex all the time. I can get there. I'm attracted to him and I love him. And with the right amount of foreplay, I'll always get there.

But sometimes I'm just, I'm stressed. I'm busy. And I just think women, at least in my relationship, he's usually ready to go. And I'm maybe not. And so I've come to like initiating more because it's on my terms. and I know it's when I'm going to be horny and lubricated and all of those things. And so I've had this kind of realization recently that, yes, of course, I still want to initiate and I want to feel desire, but I'm comfortable doing it more because it's when I want it and when I want it is when I'm going to have the best time. It's hard to get me there if I'm really in my head. I mean, we've had times, one time I remember calling you crying.

I was like, I can't get wet. I can't get wet anymore. It's really funny. I was just like, my pussy won't get wet. It's happening. It's metapause. And I was just so stressed. I just had too much of my plate. We had all these shows. And like it was just the stress. Literally, I think we wrapped up that tour run and I was like a waterfall. But I was like panicked. So I really, my amount of stress and what I have going on really affects my body and my sex drive. Of course. There's a million factors. And I want to invite people to get out of their heads about this number of I want to quantify this. Because we all want to quantify everything. Am I normal? What's the number I can apply? What percentage of people are doing the same number that I'm doing. And I wouldn't be able to get out of their heads about it because a lot of people, the word intimacy is like secondhand for sex. And it doesn't have to be. And if you feel mutually satisfied in your relationship, that's all that matters. And

plenty of people have sex once a month and are very happy with each other. And they have other stuff going on and that's fine for both of them. And there's no like normal. Like do you feel good? Do you feel desired? Do you feel like your partner's proud of you, likes you, thinks you're attractive? And that's really all that matters. And Esther Perel talks about maintenance sex, which is just regular sex. It doesn't have to be like a big production. Yeah. And she says it's no less pleasurable.

She uses a metaphor that not every meal is a four course fancy meal, which is not even what I want. I want seven, eight minutes. And, you know, if you're in your head that it's been a while, I get it. Because you're like, okay, it's been a couple weeks. is it going to be a couple weeks more? Is it going to be months? I think about Miranda and Steve

from Sex and the City the first movie and just when she kind of shares how long it's been and they all react to it. And I just think that's important to discuss. And I think of Maine and Sex also in the like, ah, it's been a couple weeks we should do it.

You know, like if it's just the box, which that's so unsexy too. But if you're in kind of a period your relationship because, of course, they ebb and flow and there's ups and downs. And you're like, it's been a while. That's, I think, where you can get in this. Like, it's been so long, we really need to knock it out of the park. And that's not necessarily true either. If you really feel like you're in your head about it, you got to check the box, you know, do what you can to check the box. Wake up with no panties on. Yeah. Back up into them. Yeah. Okay. Just going to take a quick break,

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And really what I was left was with skims. There are so many different colors and, sizes. So right now I'm wearing this like light tan one. If you're watching the video, I'm flashing you. I love their underwear too. And I just feel like sexy walking around the house in it. So I do the cotton jersey boy shorts. There's tons of colors. There's this light pink. There's like greens and blues and tans and blacks. And I also just did this like sexy photo shoot the other day where I had to wear something like kind of suggestive. And so I wore the, you like that? And I did the fit to everybody brief. And I just love like the thick waistband. I wear their actual briefs around the house. They're

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The marriage one just made me laugh. So we said, married folks, did your sex life change after you got married and how? So overall, being married makes you guys horny. Okay. Initially, a lot of people in the beginning, once you got married, that ring,

that wedding ring, not the engaging ring, the wedding ring made it all hornier. So not a huge change overall, by the way, between like, you know, we were together for two to three years, then we got married. Not a huge rise or drop-off, but initially, big rise

because people are horny. And a lot of our audience reported that it created this like deeper level of intimacy where they feel like I can be freakier and wilder and I can ask for crazier stuff because now you've got the paperwork. You can't go anywhere. Yeah. You really locked it down. But that could tie into the security. And if you ever had a lack of security that you weren't sure if this relationship was going to end in marriage or end in commitment and result in commitment. I don't know.

You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, I can see a world in which it's like we got there. You know, we're committed now officially. The government has decided. And so you feel safer and even more secure to do these things. And like they're not going anywhere. All right. And it really.

At least not anytime soon. This was really a surprise to me. I thought it would be like not a huge change. I thought like, well, if you're together for three years and then you get married, what could really change? Because people said I felt like a deeper level of intimacy. And I thought, we've been together three or four years. Like how much deeper could it get?

But no, our audience really felt like they could be freakier, kinkier, wilder, more exploratory. I get that. The minute you get married. I really like that. Yeah. I mean, I think it's the increased security. Legally bound. We cannot stop.

The ring made me so horny. I like this less sex but better sex. And I'm sure that's what a lot of people report. And I relate to that as well, this quality over quantity. Our sex is so much better than it was three. three times a day in Cabo when we were brand new and he didn't know my body like he does now

and vice versa. The sex, I can say with confidence, has never been better, but it is not morning, noon, tonight. I like the people said like we moved in together, the pressure to do it every single time we saw each other came off.

And I do think that is what leads to, like, better sex. If you are just like, we went out to dinner, it's time to check the box, you know, it doesn't lead to as good of sex, necessarily. So we could obviously do a whole episode about what babies and parenting, co-parenting or not co-parenting does to your sex life, but we won't focus on it for too long. I may be able to do another episode about it.

But we did ask you guys, did your sex like changed after you had kids and how? And I mean, obviously the overall theme is going to be in the beginning a huge drop off. And you're both just fighting for your lives, you know? You're both just trying to figure out how am I going to get through this. Everybody is so exhausted. But both mom and dad, obviously mom more so. But dad also, and we're just trying to get through this, we're tired. Something's been touching me all day.

I don't want to be touched anymore. My God, my nipples hurt. Yes. A lot of women said I just really do not want to be touched anymore. I can't even imagine. And obviously so much about the hormone shifts and not feeling sexy in your body and what this has done to your body and so much postpartum. And I'd like chills thinking about like all that women go through to like have birth and have a child

and what it does to you physically and mentally. I cannot be. put myself in these women's shoes, obviously. If I were to guess, I don't think you're getting in my pussy six months. Most people said six months, it was fine, but it took about a year. About a year. Okay. Yeah.

Like, if you are out here one month in fucking good for you, pick me. No, I'm kidding. But I'm just like, I just can't imagine it. I mean, seeing my sister-in-law, you know, three months in with Jay, like, I'm just like, she cannot go back to work or go back to sex anytime soon. I don't know how one does. And props to the women that obviously go back to work and do it's just like it's so demanding. Again, the hormonal drop and the changes in your body.

I mean, truly. And so I really also love it. We'll go through some of these responses. Like you just have to tell yourself like that it can get back to normal and hopefully that it will. Hopefully you have the type of relationship and the communication and the health and the stability that it will. But like, I wonder if some women are like, oh, my God, it has been months.

And it's like, that is normal. Oh, it's, I mean, it's our whole audience. Like, I am so exhausted. I feel dirty. I feel just depleted. Something has been on me all day long. It doesn't make you want to have sex. You want to prioritize sleep and a walk and some quiet and anything over letting somebody have

sex with you. The exhaustion alone, my pussy will not. get wet when I'm that tired. Don't even try it. No, that is the Sahara Desert if I am too tired. I think about it all the time because I'm saying it like a day-to-day update on my nephew and my sister-in-law would be like, you know, your brother was so nice. He got up in the middle of the night and then the baby wouldn't go down for two more

hours. And I think like, okay, he goes to bed and he gets up at five in the morning to go to work. But he was up from two to four with his baby and the baby wouldn't go down. I can't imagine anything would make me feel less sexy. But the good news, I will say, there is some, there is. a bunch of good news. Everybody says it does regulate after a year. I loved watching my partner be a dad. It made me fall in love with him to watch him be a parent and do this with me. I don't know why it makes me emotional. I think it's really sweet. I can see a world in which I would be

sitting there watching my man take care of our baby and being like my brain is so horny for this, but my body is not connecting. Like I just, it's like I can feel it in my soul, the level of like exhaustion and stress and the hormonal crash. I'm losing on my hair. Like, you know, I'd be bald as shit. Just like, you can't. Do not try to fuck me. You couldn't do it. And a lot of people do say, well, one girl, seeing my husband as a dad is so hot to me.

Oh, no, I'm sure a lot of people feel like that. But it does seem to like, as the kids get older, it regulates. Oh, my God, of course. And so as you get older, honestly, I will say our audience, it does seem to make them kind of horny finding ways to sneak around the kids. Our audience is just a little slutty audience. Finding ways and times and places to sneak around the kids. kids and it makes them feel really creative and smart and like stealthy. And I loved how horny

it makes you guys. Yeah. And I mean, we just want to validate everything that our listeners who are moms, especially new moms have going on. And even being painful, we didn't even mention that, that it doesn't feel the same. And, you know, obviously there'll be a point where you need to speak to your doctor about that too, if it really is prolonged. But, you know, I don't feel sexy. I don't want to be naked. And Rayne and I were talking about this. A soft. from having children, just being insecure about something in your body or not feeling sexy. And we've all been there, you know, if you feel bloated or you're feeling insecure about aging or whatever you have going on, it's really tough.

And we were saying that even if your partner doesn't care, they're not the one making you feel that way. They aren't even noticing what you're insecure about. It's all in your head, but it's hard to get out of your head. I mean, it's really hard. And I saw one girl say that her husband finds it so sexy that her body is really like even more curvy and feminine. Oh my gosh. Rob. Rob and Allison. Well, you're a friend. He just wants his wife to gain weight.

He's all he wants. But so many women said I gained weight, just hormonally in general, the postpartum has really destroyed your desire for sex at all and how you look at yourself. And it's fine if your sex drive plummets. A lot of people, the majority of them said that this did. And the good news is that it does seem to regulate. but if you're just in survival mode, the last thing on your mind is sex, and that is totally normal to me. So one thing we want to talk about is scheduling sex, and a question we asked that kind of led into this was how much does sex matter in your relationship?

We did a scale of zero to ten. The average number was six to eight. So it is important to people to still feel that connection to their partner, not just we watch TV together at night, you know? And so we got into this conversation about scheduling sex, and we pulled you guys about it.

We read a lot of articles, but really overwhelmingly, people we've had on the show, Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski, Ian Kerner, so many people believe in this and think it's great and healthy and important. Yeah, it has reframed it for me having these discussions with these experts over the years and hearing from our audience as well. It doesn't have to be this unsexy, forced business transaction. I think we have this image in our head of a couple that's not having a lot of sex and they're not that happy. and so they put it on the calendar, and they're both kind of dreading it, and that could be your story, but that's just really not what we're seeing or hearing.

And I think this ties into our unrealistic expectations of relationships in general. I saw this post that Liz Moody posted, and she's been with her husband for a long time. We're going to have her on the podcast soon about telling your partner what you need. They can't read your mind if you want flowers or you want compliments.

Again, it's like we have, come to think that when we find the right person, they'll just know. When we're with our right person, we'll have sex the exact amount of time that both of us want to and we'll both be satisfied and they'll know my love language and how to please me and how I want to feel desired. And that's just not necessarily true. And so a lot of people have this like, ugh, that's like a nail in the coffin or now we're scheduling sex or I have to tell him that I want flowers. And it's just like, it can lead to a healthier relationship expressing your needs to your partner. And everything in life is not natural and spontaneous, especially in a long-term relationship.

Yeah. So when you get into that phase of responsive desire and you're like, I need to be coaxed into this a little bit more. I need an environment set for me. I don't think of scheduling sex as like this boring chore. It's like, you also don't have to think of it as like at 10.30 tonight we're going to get in bed and we're going to look at each other. We're going to fool around.

You could say this is our date night or this is the night that I'm going to come home and you promise me that you will have made dinner and done the dishes. And that will make me want to have sex. And it's a whole experience to me. It's not just like, okay, well, we'll go through the motions and love sex. And like, you can think about what time of day it makes you the most excited and plan around that. But I think to me, it's like scheduling sex is a, it's a ritual that can create some intention and anticipation. And overwhelmingly, our audience, we asked them, would you?

And then if you did, how would you feel about it? People felt like when I scheduled, I look forward to it. Yeah, it creates excitement, like scheduling anything else. Like scheduling Margarita night. Or going to trivia. It's sex night. And I wonder if anyone's like, okay, but what if I'm not in the mood that day? And that's okay, too.

This isn't like doing stuff against your will. So let's like just take that out of the conversation. Of course, you can unschedule it, take it off your calendar. But just in general, I like it. I'm coming around to it. I am too. And it feels at least constructive to me. Yeah.

If this doesn't feel constructive to you, then ask yourself what would be better? I don't know. Like, it's a problem and this is a solution. So see how this can like add to your life and I schedule everything else. Mm-hmm. I don't want to get a manicure either. Yeah. And I think it's kind of sexy the thought of like, okay, today is scheduled sex day.

So like that also encourages me to like maybe we're like a matching brown panties today or send you a sexy pick during the day. Yeah. It reminds me today to take a big shit. Yeah. Well, I do that every morning. I'll have to plan that. That would be crazy. Have a venty coffee.

Really empty out. That's what you're doing. anal day. And you guys are doing this. I mean, we asked, do you and your partner ever schedule sex? Yes, 7%, occasionally 33%, and rarely 21%. But that still is the majority of people have done it. And then never is only 39%. So the never is still the minority. And we asked how do you feel about it? 16% said they love it. It guarantees intimacy. 46%. It's okay. But I prefer spontaneity. 20% feels unromantic to me and 17% haven't tried it. And we asked if you schedule sex,

is it more likely to actually happen? And 46% said yes, almost always. 39% sometimes. And then we have a few rarely and no difference, which Rainey, you would put on the slides the way you worded it. I think that's not the one that made you laugh. Yeah, the one that made me laugh was, if you scheduled sex for tomorrow night,

would you look forward to it? 54% and you said yes, positive. 38% said feel pressured, which, again, like, if this does not work for you, then don't do it. Four percent said they'd forget about it. And then three percent, I'd probably cancel last minute. Why did you write that answer? It feels nice to cancel. I wanted to know what people do. The way that she wrote that I was going through these and we collaborated on almost all of them. I guess I missed that one. Probably canceled last minute. Why is that a response? Three percent of people.

They're doing it. It might be me. I don't know. I want to know about people's behavior. And like we asked our audience, have you and your partner ever had open conversations about mismax sex drives and desire? And a lot of people do. Occasionally, people said 47% occasionally, occasionally we do. Yes, often, only 27% of people, rarely is 16% of people and never 10%. But if you're having these conversations, you're acknowledging that it's not happening as much. I'm not feeling as much desire. This is a solution and overwhelmingly every sex expert says do this. Yeah. Yeah. And there are so many resources out there. I mean, we couldn't possibly touch on every topic today, but we've done so many episodes in this. Look back and search through our catalog with, again,

Esther Perel. We've had her on twice, Ian Kerner, twice. And a throwback is Michaela Bome, early days. I loved her discussion. We had her on. She's like Gwen of this. She was like, life, she worked with one of the- Yeah, she worked with a lot of people. And Rainey, you looked at this article, and I had not heard of this, the Cinderella rule. I, Kid Hocking over this. Do I have this right? The Cinderella rule is basically giving people a deadline to fuck you. Is that right?

Yes. Like at this hour I'll turn a pumpkin. My hour is also when my office hours are over. You know I get tired as the day goes on. And so like after five, I'm just not really trying to have sex. Like my desire for sex plummetes throughout the day. I want it immediately in the morning, then the afternoon. Like time, I'm not trying to fuck.

Can we discuss the Cinderella rule? because I don't think this is for me. You tell your partner like after a nine. I don't love the dynamic of like one hour, babe, one hour to get hard for me. Well, they didn't interview Esther Perel for this one. So yes, this is from this random site, whatever, but it says a lot of us have cutoff times for using our phones, eating dinner, reading before bed. Metros, Alice Giddings wrote to follow the rule. You simply set a cutoff point in your head for when intimacy will no longer be on the cards.

This way you don't have to worry about being exhausted the next morning. My turn into a pumpkin cutoff is 10.30 p.m. And ideally, this is when I'll be lights out. This means my cutoff for intimacy is starting at 10, 10 p.m. at the latest. She suggested indicating that sex is on the cards to your partner hours before your cutoff, but that you mention it in passing the cutoff point. Like, what do you, like, tap your watch as you walk by them? I'd have to see of more people.

I mean, there's another sex coach that says spontaneous desire isn't the only type of desire. So if you're just waiting until you and your partner happen to get in the mood, you may be waiting a while. Again, we've talked about this. but this feels like a now or never ultimatated. TikTok, yeah. I wouldn't suggest it. People are doing it.

Whatever. I mean, Ashley and I just support whatever it's going to help you. I don't know. Like, it's just, I think I'd get in my head about it. You have to tell them you're doing this. I see where this goes wrong is you have the deadline in your head and you haven't told them. You think people are not telling the partner.

So you're just like, I hope he knows that it's 10.10 p.m. You think that it's 10.30 p.m. and someone's partner touches them. And just internally, they're like, nope, missed it. Yeah, a buzzer goes off. Little alarms around the house. Yeah, you missed the shot. Well, in conclusion, one to two times per week.

Yeah, and that's probably one for a lot of people. And, you know, two is like, ooh, we got a crazy week. And I just think this will provide a sense of relief for a lot of people. It did for me when I started looking this up on my own. And I'm just like, what is normal, you know? And we're still a newer couple. And we still obviously are very attracted to each other. We still have great sex.

But I think we all are wondering that. Should it be more? And I don't think, at least for me and you, you and I aren't really talking to our close friends about their serious partners and how often they're having sex. I don't really hear from my girlfriends about their long-term serious partners, sex lives, unless something's like very seriously wrong. and people tend to ask you and I more questions than the average person.

But I think that we're all kind of just wandering around in the dark here thinking like, is everybody fucking more than me? And I can't tell you how many times Ashley and I have heard of people breaking up. And then they will say to us, we hadn't had sex in three minds. We weren't touching each other. We had little to no sex life. We're going to do an interview with somebody right after this. Amber Ray, we'll have that episode out in September where she talks about how she

and her husband had pretty much a sexless marriage for many, many years. And this just isn't talked about as much. So I think it's leaving a lot of people in the dark as to like, am I okay or we okay? Is this normal? Yeah. And again, like I don't want people listening to be like, oh my gosh, we are once a month or once every two months. Plenty of people answered that that's what they're doing too.

You're clearly not alone. It's just a matter of if you're satisfied and your partner is satisfied and hopefully you're able to communicate openly with them. And I have had conversations with all of my part. partners about our sex life and we discuss it openly. And like we mentioned, I mean, there are so many resources out there for how to start these conversations and broach these topics. And again, like, we just want you to be with a partner that you feel comfortable discussing these things with. But if you're both happy and it's twice a year, go off. It's not, it's not, it doesn't measure

the strength and stability and health of your relationship. It's not the solo indicator. Yes. And I want to invite people to go to our website. You can find the episode list. There are so many resources for our show. There's Shambudram, Ian Kernar, Emily Morris, Emily Nagoski, Esther Perel, Vanessa Marin, Michaela Bome. And we had so many episodes with sex therapists that I think will give you ideas and inspire you and make you feel normal and make it fun again. Yeah, maybe we should do some stories this week and just like put them in a playlist

or something. All right, check out a playlist. Yeah, we want to make it easy on you guys. So thank you again for sharing with us. really every time we do something like this and do these surveys and crowdsource, we're just blown away at the sheer number of people who respond, who take the time, and also those of you who share these private details about your lives with us. Yeah, we love you guys so much.

Thank you. I mean, a sample set of 25,000 people is insane. The only ones I found that were larger were like massive universities. Well, Kinsey Institute. I'm sure somebody will steal this. Just give it a couple hours. Because you will be seen. Our work ripped off this week.

Make no mistake. Okay. Well, you guys, Girls Gotta Eat.com. Again, you can find all those episodes there. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess. Ash Hess.com for my tour dates.

Raina is reina. greensberg. Vibes only.com. Did you get your sex toys? Spice your sex life up, of course. That's why we created it for your solo pleasure. And, of course, in your relationship as well. And subscribe on YouTube, of course.

We will see you guys Thursday. Have a great week, guys. Bye.