Girls Gotta Eat - How to Talk to Your Partner and Improve Your Sex Life feat. Vanessa Marin (Rerelease)

Episode Date: May 25, 2026

Whether you missed this one the first time or just need a refresh, it’s a must-listen for improving communication in your sex life! We have sex therapist and author Vanessa Marin walking us through how to bring up a sexual slump or frustrations in your relationship with the exact language to use and types of conversations to have, how to tell your partner to stop doing something you don't like and start doing what you do like, techniques for spanking and choking and how to get your partner to do these things the way you want it (and vice versa), the best way to 69, and more. Before Vanessa joins us, we have a short and fresh intro about Rayna’s recent travel nightmare. Enjoy! Follow Vanessa on Instagram @VanessaAndXander and check out her podcast Pillow Talks. Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Choking a lot of people underestimate, like, how gently you can do it with spanking. A lot of people think that you should go softer. No, we know. Also, we, I can't tell you many times I have been softly spanked. And it really gives me the ick. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

Welcome back to a re-release of girls got to eat. But fresh intro. Yeah. Just lock in for these hot fresh two minutes. Hot and fresh. I hope you guys are having fun. Yeah. Not the best weather in the East Coast, supposedly.

I'm glad for the break. So as this airs, I'm probably on a flight. I was taking a 6 a.m. flight from Boston. What are you saying to me? Why? I just wanted to get home. I've been gone for two and a half weeks at this point, and that was the affordable Delta one option.

And I'm back, baby. You're back in Delta one? I've flown Delta one in so long. I don't even know what it's like up there. The prices are so, like, astronomical. So I saw one that was relatively affordable. I was like, I'll get up at 4 a.m. to get right back into bed.

I don't sit in that part of the plane anymore. I'm in the back where the short people are. I rode back. I allowed myself one nice flight, this whole tour, because I was just like, it's too much. It's too much like flying and spending money, whatever. I allowed myself one nice flight. I missed that flight because this horrible TSA agent

that was terrorizing me, and I had to fly home, row 37, middle seat, last row on the plane next to the bathroom, no recline. Being in the bed. bathroom with no recline is so insane. And it's so shitty, no pun intended, because like there isn't anybody behind you. Well, they're on the toilet, I guess. But it's just like, then it doesn't recline on top of it. The guy next to me, there was no perfume left at the airport because he was wearing all of it.

No. And I just, I was like, how did this happen to me? That should be illegal. That TSA agents throughout all my skin suiticals. I was crying at the airport. Raina's finally ready to break her silence on this. Right now when you left me that crying voice note about this, I was like, somebody has died. You know when you call a friend and you have to say like three times like I'm okay, I'm okay, but like I tried to leave you a voice note three times and I was gulping through crying. I was so upset. Like this guy was so mean to me. I was so shaken for no reason. I lost all that skinstunicles. That wasn't over three ounces. Like he just decided to terrorize you. Yeah, it was crazy. I told that story to Shishonk. There was more to it than just throwing out her products, everybody.

It was just, it was a lot. It was just weirdly targeted and on you and said mean things to you publicly, whatever. I told Shishon, I thought I was going to cry. He was just like, I don't like her travel. I'm going to get emotional. He's like, I don't like her traveling alone. Like if one of us would, if one of us dudes would have been there. Nobody was like, I wish I would have been there.

But what are you going to do? Fight a TSA agent. I said it to a guy friend. I know I was like, I'll give you like a 30. I went through. They said that I had my bag at first was too heavy. And I was like, it's a carry on. It's not a thing.

It's a thing. And he opened it up and all my stuff spilled out. My underwear was all over the table. And I was like, hey man, this is kind of humiliating. Like, can we not? And he was just like, oh, humiliating? You're humiliated. We're going to humiliate you now.

And it just went on for a long time. And I did feel like really like if I was with a man, this would not have happened. It makes you feel like very alone in the world. Yeah. And like, Brittany had flown home like an hour prior to me. And she was like, do you want to just come to the airport with me? And I was like, I don't want to get up. So you go.

And she went without me. And I could have been with somebody. Ugh, it was so sad. It is one of those moments. I very rarely feel this in my life where you're like, I am a lonely. I know, but like, unless that guy clocked you as being alone and honed in on you, which who's to say, whether he did or not, but otherwise, it's hard to really jump in. Like, I don't know. What would I have done? And then we both would have gotten taken away and just detained, you know? I would like, you are going to talk to my friend and she's taller than me. I was probably taller than him. I think that people like that just get their kicks from, like, embarrassing and terrorizing somebody, like probably just would do it in front of a man. It, like, I don't think. I don't think. I don't think it has anything to do with a man fighting him. I just don't think he would have felt empowered.

But who's to say you're separated? You get like, Nikki Glazer, which says when you go into the nail salon, you get separated at the border. I mean, you get separated from the belt. You might be over here, he might be over there. Like, you do kind of get separated at the border when you go through security.

Remember in Denver, Andrew Collin and I traveled home together and I did have too much liquid in my bag, just too many bottles and they were pretty nice to me about it. I was with Andrew. So intimidating. Yeah. It's because he's so mean and big. But anyways, if you guys,

Anyways, if you guys work for skin suiticles and you want to send me... I said. And also to Ashley, you know, when I get it, she gets also. But I'm good. Do you like skin suiticles? Yeah. I mean, I just... I got my own.

You got your shit. Okay. Anyway, guys, so we have this great episode today. So this was the very first time we had Vanessa Marin on. It's such a good episode about improving your sex life and being in a sexual slump. Brana, this was the one where she talks about spanking and choking. And I was just kind of reviewing it. And I was saying how like when you smack one ass cheek, you got to smack the other because they feel imbalanced.

Like I kind of forget stuff we said four years ago. This was in New York in our old studio. So you can, you know, debate whether or not we've glowed up or not. But take a look. And so you can watch full video on Spotify and YouTube and just enjoy. I think this is like really great. We've done two episodes with her. Both of them are phenomenal and really popular and have been shared so much because they're just so much amazing advice.

So, you know, take a listen and revisit it if you haven't listened to it in a few years and improve your sex life this Memorial Day. Yeah, have sex today. Yeah, let us know if this has improved your sex like this week. Yeah. This is about how to talk to your partner about doing stuff. Yes, doing stuff. We encourage you to just, you know, maybe have sex in the car on the way home today. In the car.

Yeah, you know. Maybe a blow job. You guys be safe out there. There's a lot of cops out of Memorial Day weekend. Also true. Don't get arrested. Pull the car over. There always are cops out because like close to the end of the month.

They're trying to hit that quota. It's a holiday weekend. So if you're more Raina's friend and more Ashley's friend, if you're trying to suck a dick in traffic, you're more rainist friend. If you're trying to not get a ticket because you've had too many. Yeah, I'm not in my quote yet. Okay. Well, you guys, enjoy the episode. We hope you had a great weekend.

We will see you on Thursday for the snack. Yes. Let's get into it. Okay, guys, we are really excited to welcome our guest today. She is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience in the sex therapy field. You don't look old enough to have 20 years experience. We'll get back to it. She's featured in hundreds of articles in places like Harper's Bazaar, Alor, Oprah Magazine, and the New York Times.

Her weekly podcast, Pillow Talks, covers all things, sex and intimacy. And you can pick up her book in early 2023, sex talks, the five conversations that will transform your love life. Please welcome to the show, Vanessa Morin. Thank you guys so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. We're so excited to have you. We just found out that you have two. pugs, a black and a tan, and it's...

Takes me back. Raina's the only type of dog she likes is a pair of pugs that are different colors. That's really... And they cuddle and it's so adorable. Well, when you guys come out to the West Coast, you can come meet them. We absolutely will. They're definitely the most interesting thing about me. Stop.

And we also learned that your husband had two last names and you have obviously the last name like everybody. And you picked between the three and you both changed the last names. I love everything about you guys. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I didn't want to just have to default change my name because I'm the woman. And so he had that hyphenated name. We said, okay, we have three options.

Let's pick. And I thought Marin was the prettiest. Yeah. And you let us know that it's a lot harder for a man to change his last name in general. So anybody that's listening, make your man do that. If you want to make his life harder. Yeah. We fully supported.

Yeah. Well, we found you because actually we were looking for people to do some sex and into these videos for the app. And we had a couple listeners that suggested you and your husband who do a podcast together. So I would just love to hear a little bit more about you. Introduce yourself to the listeners who are what you do. Yeah. Yeah. So my name is Vanessa.

I'm a sex therapist. I have a business together with my husband, Zander, and we really focus on helping couples keep the spark alive in long-term relationships. So we've got, yeah, all sorts of stuff. We're on Instagram. We have the podcast. We're writing the book. We are just really passionate about this topic.

Like you guys know, like, what do you want to talk about? I'm like, here's a list of a hundred things that I would be so stoked to talk about. So I just love doing this work and I'm really glad to be here. I'm curious, we want to hear the story about you and your husband, too, and you share this in the book. And I think it's probably a lot of people's story, too, that people will be able to relate to. But I'm also just curious about you working together and, like, living together, being together, like, live work and play together. It's a lot. I mean, you guys know, it's a lot. Yeah.

Well, we don't want to sleep the other night. We have like a friendship and working together with the business. And you know it's like a lot of stuff. But yeah, I mean, it is a lot. But, you know, we love spending time together. I think that's really what makes it work. And we have really good communication as well. So that's made it work. But we kind of fell into this. He was working for Google. He had like a long career in tech and HR. And we ended up moving. We were in San Francisco at the time we moved to Berlin. And he just wanted to take some time off and kind of figure out what his next move was. And I just asked him to help me put together an Excel spreadsheet for tracking some things. And that was sort of how he fell into helping out with the business. So he was doing all the behind-the-scenes stuff for a couple of years. And I kept bugging him saying, you know, we're a real couple and we go through real struggles of our own. Like I think we should talk about this together because it's one thing for me as a professional to be like talking to people. I think sometimes it's easy for people to say like, well, yeah, you're a sex therapist.

You have all this training. Of course that's easy for you. But I just thought there's something really valuable about being able to share as a real couple. So it took me a few years to convince them to like come in front of the camera and do the podcast with me. But now we get really great feedback from people saying like, I appreciate your vulnerability. And it just normalizes all these things that all couples go through. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. And it just opens up the conversation between partners easier to when they see like another couple talking about it.

Absolutely. I love that. So you guys were in a place where you were, Dating, you were not married yet, right? And your sex life just like took a steep dive off a cliff and you went to therapy about it. Yes. Okay. Yes.

You know, I tell the story in the book and I'm like, there's nothing very unusual about this story. I feel like everyone in a relationship has some version of like things were hot and heavy and then life kind of catches up to you. And so we just got into this phase of we were both working really late. We had a lot of responsibilities. We weren't making time for each other. And we were having very little sex. when we did have sex, it was very boring. It was kind of predictable. It wasn't very pleasurable. It just felt kind of icky and disconnected. And we had never had to talk about sex before because

things were so great. So they were like hot and heavy at the beginning. Yeah. And I think it gave that impression of like, oh, it's so good, we don't even have to talk about it. And I think that a lot of us are going for in relationships. Like we think that if I don't have to say anything, this is a good sign. And so we got into that tough point in our relationship and realized we had no skills or like techniques to draw upon because we'd never talked about it before. So all those initial conversations that we had just immediately went into fights. Like you never initiate. Well, you don't seem to care about me having an orgasm, you know, because we just didn't have any communication foundation to fall back on. I'm so intrigued by it. I mean, not intrigued because it's

just so normal. I just feel like people are listening like, same. That's me. Yeah, right? So I dragged disaster therapy. I was like, you know, this is a, deal breaker for me. Like, we are not resolving this. So he very begrudgingly went to therapy. I mean, he was not into it. And I start off the books talking about that first session of just even sitting in that therapist's office realizing, I don't even know what to say. Like, I don't know how to describe this. I don't even fully know what I want. I just want not this. So it was really hard to just like figure out where to go from there. We have done some really great episodes with Ian Kerner and Emily Moore. And everybody, every time we pull people,

what do you want to hear from a sex therapist? They say, I have either a mismatched libido with my partner, or we used to have this hot and heavy sex life, and we just don't anymore, and I don't know how to approach it. I think the advice so much, not from those people are you, but the advice in general is like, well, just talk about it. And it's like, but I don't know how to talk about it. It's scheduling sex weird.

Is it weird if I'm just like, let's throw on a porn, if we've never watched a porn before? A lot of these things aren't actionable. They're just like, just talk about it. Yeah, I mean, the idea of like we need to talk about it, everybody knows that already. There's nothing new about that. But what really bothered me and what drove me to write the

book, we actually wrote it together, was that there's so few pieces of advice about like, well, what do I say? How do I say it? When do I say it? And so I really love getting very nitty, gritty and practical with people. I think like that's the most important thing. Because if you give that generic advice, it just makes people feel even shittier. They're like, oh, all I'm supposed to do is like just talk about it. Right. Just relax and stop thinking about it. So I really wanted to give people much more actionable, like specific things to do. So that's why the book is really full of specific conversations to have and conversation prompts and examples of how to say things. So what would you say, if you don't mind, like sharing a little bit more? Was there one

underlying issue? Was it just that like life got in the way and then you didn't have the tools to figure out? Or like what helped? Like is there a way to just give the short answer here? I mean, I know we know it's all in the book. But yeah, I mean, there really wasn't anything in particular that was going on. Azul. Come on. My sneakers smell really good. He must smell the dogs. Yeah.

Hi. Azul. Yeah, there wasn't anything specific that was coming up. It really was just a classic case of like life got busy. We weren't prioritizing it. We didn't know what to do. And so I think that really is the case for the majority of people. It's like there's not one thing that goes horribly wrong.

It's just kind of like a cascade of tiny little things that start to snowball and really become a big problem. How many years into the relationship did you go to therapy for this? We went for a couple of months. But how long did you've been together? Oh, we had been together for about two years at that point. Because I think some people are like, yeah, two years. I think some people are like, well, is this weird

that I even think about this after two years? But I'm sure a lot of people hit that mark I have after two years. Like, I just don't, fucking you not have fun anymore, you know? I think we've all experienced that. And it's this sense of grief, almost. Like, what happened to us? It was so great at the beginning.

Like the chemistry seem good. I do want to say like some people don't have that hot and heavy stage and that's okay too. But I think for so many of us who do, it's, yeah, the sense of loss. It's a confusion. Like what happened? And it used to feel so effortless and now it feels like it takes so much work. And I think that's another thing that scares us too.

Like in the book, I call it the fucking fairy tale that this is what we see of sex in TV, movies, porn. Like sex always seems completely effortless. It just happens. It's spontaneous. Nobody's ever talking about it. And so we all crave that feeling of effortlessness. And when it starts to get trickier in our relationships,

it starts to feel really scary of like, well, this isn't what it's supposed to be. And this can't be like this maybe isn't my person. So I think a lot of us end up ending relationships at that time too. I mean, I definitely thought about it at the time. Yeah. Is it in a place now where obviously relationships are work forever? But did you feel like it was just a lot of work during

those few months and now it is a little bit easier? Or do you feel like it's a constant we need to communicate, see where we're at, check in? Or has it gotten back to a place where it does feel a little more natural, less work has to be put into it? Yeah, I'm laughing because it's making me remember this meme that I saw last week. I'm not even sure who it was, but it was like a couple of lesbians and they're like, heterosexual people are always talking about like relationships. There's so much work. I'm just like totally mocking us. So yeah, I mean, I do think I'm like, They're like, you signed up for this, Richard. Like the difference that we came across is like, how do we find ways of working on it that like can feel fun?

So it doesn't need to feel like this big, heavy, like, okay, let's go work on our relationship again. But like what are simple things that we can do like every day that take very little effort, very little time, but it keeps that thread going between us so that it doesn't feel like it's always this heavy like time to do? It's sex. So it should be, like, the reward is great. You know, it's not that, like, you sit down and work out your finances. Like, you're working out your sex life. The reward is right. Yeah. Yeah. So let me ask you. So, you know, for couples that are, I would say, like, quote unquote, just ordinary. Like, there isn't a parent hasn't died. There is an extreme panic over, like, money or job security. If it's just day to day, like, I'm just a little tired of this or a little board of this. Like, where do you start the conversation? Because I want to say that, like,

I understand that certain real traumas in your life and stress make you, of course, not want to have sex. And that's a different conversation. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so let me start off by telling you guys what typically happens. So people don't have these experiences talking about sex in relationships. We wait until things get really bad. And it gets to the point where we've got all this anger, resentment, frustration, confusion, fear, boiling over. And we end up doing exactly. what Zander and I doing is like the first conversation is a massive fight, right? And of course, that only reinforces like, ooh, sex is a bad thing to talk about because if we have to talk about it, it's bad, we're going to get in a fight, things are not going well. So instead, my recommendation,

which is the first conversation in the book, is to start with just the acknowledgement that you guys are having sex. Like, it is wild how few couples have been together years, even decades, and never really had an honest conversation about their sex life. We just do not talk about it. So for so many couples, it's literally just got to start with having that topic be a more comfortable part of your conversation. So that's some of the feedback that we've gotten

about our Instagram account because we show up in stories together every day and people say like, you know, it actually really helped us just to start talking about sex in a more general sense rather than starting to talk about our sex life specifically. So having those conversations where you're not trying to solve anything. You're not making any requests. You're not giving any complaints. You're literally

just talking about sex and getting comfortable with it as a topic of conversations. That's the best starting point. Like, what is talking about sex? How do we talk about that? I can't. Yeah, yeah. I can't relate. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about? I know for you guys are not going to relate with this conversation. You're like, I've had this for a living. I've had these problems in my life, of course. Okay. So my favorite starting point is literally just with compliments. So I lay out in that first chapter to bring up just randomly out of the blue like one of your favorite sexual memories with your partner. So like give them a compliment. Say like, you know what just randomly popped into my head the other day or you know what I had a dream about last night. That time that we did,

da, da, da, da, da, you know. And so you're recalling a memory. Yes. You're reminding each other like, hey, we have had really great sex. Remember we do it and we can be good at it. Okay. That's a positive memory. You know, it's going to create like a positive experience. And then so keep that going for like every day, every other day for like a week or two weeks where you're just giving your partner a compliment. Like you look so good today. It doesn't have to even be explicitly sexual. You look really good today. I was thinking of that time that you did this to me. I love the way you kiss me, the way you hold me. So you're just like laying that groundwork. And again, it's not any sort of like, don't do that or I need you to do this. It's like just putting

the conversation on the table. And hopefully they're receptive. Yeah. I mean, they might say like, You know, like, you know, like, wait, why are you bringing that up? And that's fine. Like, the point is not that you're, like, trying to catch them off guard and they don't realize what they're talking about, but you can just say something like, it just popped into my head and it was a fun memory and I figured I'd share it with you. Well, and we always say things like that. You can fib a little. You can say, and you can say, like, I walked by that movie theater today where I blew you. And the fact that you could just, sure. It means something that reminds you, you know, so-and-so called and reminded me of the time at their wedding when we, you know, had that hot, you know, had that hot

sex or this hotel or vacation or anything like that. You just want to create this positive association. When we start talking about sex, it's a good thing. I feel good. I'm getting compliments. I'm remembering good memories that we shared. Okay. Okay. And then if they're not picking up what you're putting down, if you're like, this is a little more broken than I thought it was. What's the next step? Or what's the next step in general? If it's going well. Yeah. When do you start having sex? When do you start to repair? Yeah. I mean, it's really going to be dependent on where each couple is. Like, are they even in a place where they're like, there's something going on that I don't want to be doing? Or, you know, I think in general it can be a lot better to start with making like positive requests rather than immediately going into the like complaints.

And we can get into like the nuance of like some complaints are more urgent than others and we can get into those first. But I think going into like making any sort of positive requests of like, you know, I really love when we go so slow. Like this is one of the biggest complaints I hear from women. is like we just jump right into the intercourse and there's like very little in it for me. So making a request in a positive way of like, I love when we go so slow. Can we do that next time? Something like that. You told me something on the phone that I want to validate.

You said that like some women are like, I don't like that we just jump into it. You said that you hold people and that what 90% of women said their favorite part of sex is not the penetrative part of it. It's like everything else. Yeah, 91% of women. We said like is intercourse like your favorite activity that you guys do to? together of women who have sex with men. And 91% of them said, no, there's something else that I prefer. And this is, I mean, it's so important to recognize, like, our bodies are not really wired to feel a lot of sensation or to have orgasms from penetration alone. But it's something

that most women don't know. And so they feel like something is horribly wrong, horribly broken with them. And they're having sex. It feels like there's nothing in it for me. I'm not enjoying it. It's just kind of, I'm laying there, staring at the ceiling while my partner is jackhammering away. I'm like, what's wrong with me that I don't love this? It's very funny because I'm thinking of some men learning this stat and being like, what? I have a lot of heartbroken head up there. Like, I'm thinking of if you pulled a hundred men and they'd be like, what do you think the best part of the sexual experience is for you and your partner?

He'd be like, when I'm fucking her. When my dicks inside of her. And women are like, no, honey. No, sweetie. No Richard. Sorry, Charles. It is so true, though. I mean, even what we do with our erotic app, we have these erotic audio stories. And if there are 10 minutes, two minutes of the story is that, you know, so much of it is like the buildup and the foreplay and all those types of things. Yeah, absolutely. And so that's not to say that intercourse can't be pleasurable or feel very intimate and, you know, enjoyable. But I think it's so important for us to recognize it's just, not how women's bodies are really wired to work. And the foreplay, I actually hate the word foreplay because I think it implies, like, these are the things we do beforehand.

Like, intercourse is the main thing. And we just do, like, the quick little foreplay beforehand. But I know everybody uses that word. So, do you have another word? I don't. I keep trying to think of none. I'm like, other people use core play. And I'm like, okay, that's all right.

But, yeah. That sounds a little, like, hardcore. It sounds like like a workout to me. Like, I went to the core play class. I'm like, I'm so sore today. The solid core class. If anybody has a better name for it, let me know. Can I ask a question? I want to know what your answer.

So when you masturbate, is it to thoughts of penetrative sex or is it thoughts of like other stuff besides? Like, Ashley, tell you, masturbate. I mean, sometimes it's like the full circle experience, but the way that I would start conjuring up a memory is not with being penetrated

right away. It's like the push me up against a wall or something like that or something that like got me in the mood. Me too. So I'm like, that's how I feel. Like so much my masturbation is like my head. The thoughts going through my head

are not like dick and vagina. It's swamming away. Yeah. 30 years you want to masturbate to dick and vagina. I don't even want to put anything in my vagina. I don't know. Even in my fantasies, you're just on my clit.

My porn was all clit. I only incorporated a penis into the porn I watch during the pandemic. Because I just missed it so much. And here's one of like the terrible things that happens. in heterosexual sex too is like when we start having issues a lot of guys think like okay you know we're not having sex that often maybe she's turning me down a lot so when you do get a yes a lot of guys are like well let me get right to it before she changes her mind kind of thing and so a lot of couples

end up like just shortening that time of the buildup and it just goes straight to the intercourse which just creates even more of this negative cycle of like I'm not enjoying the sex that we're having so why would I crave it so we're going to have have less of it, you know, it's just a really awful cycle. Well, and if there's weird stuff going on your relationship where there's tension or resentment, it makes you want to be so intimate, even less. It almost forces you to have that mechanical quick intercourse as opposed to like touching and feeling and all the romanticism when you're kind of resentful of your partner as it stands in the first place. For sure. It's really easy to be like, oh, just do your thing. Yeah. I'll just get it over with type of thing.

Do you hear that a lot from couples that like it becomes a little robotic after a certain amount of time? I remember thinking of my longest term, X, it was like the same menu all the time. I would like, wake up, I'd blow him, I'd get on top, he'd get on top, and we both be done. I'd have to do it again for seven days. Exactly. You can like script it out to the moment. Like he's going to touch my breast and this way for like 10 seconds. And then you know exactly what's coming.

So of course, like sex drive is one of the biggest complaints that people have. They're always like, I have no sex drive. What do I do? And the first question I ask people is, well, tell me about the quality of the sex that you're having. Is it something that's worth? craving. And I think so few of us make that connection between our enjoyment of it and our desire for it. But for 95% of people, it's like you describe to me what your sex life looks like, okay, makes perfect sense why you have zero desire for it. Why would you? Right. Yeah.

So, I mean, again, we don't have like all day with you and people can read your book and they can also seek therapy themselves. But the book is about these conversations that you have about sex. Can we just discuss like another one that you really love? Yeah. So the second one is what do we need to feel connected? And I think this is another really important piece that gets left out of this conversation. Like we talk about sex and we go immediately to thinking about the physical act of it. And I think a lot of people don't realize that like emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are so deeply intertwined.

And so most couples these days, like you're leading lives that are so busy and full. like most couples will say we just feel like ships passing in the night like or roommates more than lovers and so it's so important to recognize like if you're feeling so disconnected from somebody all day long it's like I don't even know who you are anymore you're just kind of like here in my space why are you going to feel the desire to be wildly intimate with them later that night so that conversation is all about like uncovering practical ways that you can still feel connected to your partner. So it feels like you're not starting from ice cold and trying to get yourself to boiling, but there's like a simmer going between the two of you. And can that be things that

aren't sexual at all? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I think that a lot of couples are just missing any sort of emotional intimacy, like little non-sexual touches, compliments, like, you know, spending quality time together. A lot of like love languages type stuff can come up here. So that's a great one. Complements are such like a, I feel like I see so many couples that don't do that with each other. And the couples that I like the most, like, it's our friends, husbands that are like, my wife looks so hot. Look at the way she dresses. She's the fucking fox. Like I feel like I don't see that in so many couples. And when I do, it's like so nice and refreshing. I'm like, I don't care. You just have to just tell me I'm funny. I mean, it's nice to like get a compliment personally, but I think there's

also something special about the way your partner talks about you in front of other people. Oh my gosh, totally. I mean, we can all, I'm sure, think of. examples of couples where it's like they're just ragging on each other the whole time or like you know complaining or ignoring each other and then when you see somebody exactly like what you were saying like my wife is so fucking hot you're like oh that's so cute yeah we love to hear what people say about us behind her backs like nice stuff like that's a turn on yeah huge turn on should we move on to how to tell someone what you don't like what they're doing in the bedroom Redirect.

And we want to discuss actual, actionable language and things that you can do when you're like, stop doing that? Yeah. Why would you do that? Okay. So let me set a little groundwork here. So I like to divide these into three categories. So at one end of the spectrum, we have what I actually call like sexual perfectionism territory.

And I'll get back to that in a sec. The other end of the spectrum is like actual boundary or safety issues. And then we've got this like delightful grade. area in the middle where I think we'll spend most of our time. But so the sexual perfectionism thing is I've actually found that a lot of people, because of the fucking fairy tale, we have this idea that every moment of sex should just be passionate and intense and feel so good. But the reality is like it's totally normal for your pleasure and your connection to kind of rise and fall throughout an interaction. Like let's say for example, if Xander is going down on me and there's a

moment where it's just like, it's not feeling as good. I'm not going to jump in right in that moment be like, stop doing that. Go back to this. Go do that instead. Like that's going to feel intimidating for me because then I'm going to feel like I'm having to correct him every two minutes. It's going to feel shitty for him because he feels like he's getting like, you know, jumped on. So instead, I think those can be good territory to just kind of like wait it out for a minute. So not put this pressure that every single moment has to be wildly pleasurable because like you don't want that pressure for yourself either. I have to do such a good job to my partner that like the connection never wanes for a second, right? So it's like just wait it out in those kinds of situations and just

nine times out of ten, it's going to get better in that moment, you know, in the next couple of moments. So that's one category. And the one time out of ten, it'll go into the gray area. The other end of the spectrum is if something's happening that's like a boundary or safety issue. So let's say it's something that you don't feel comfortable doing. It's causing you pain in the moment. Have you based on a sexual pain episode? No. Oh my God. You guys, I have a good guest for you.

Okay. 30% of women were in pain the last time they had sex. Now, isn't that wild? In different ways, are we talking about just that they have like vaginal pain or something that their partner was doing was causing them pain or both or either. Yeah, usually something their partner was doing. Like, it's typically with penetration. Can that 30%?

Can that change? Because I feel like when I was a little young, I used to be in pain a lot during, Sex's not excruciating, but I don't feel like that anymore. Yeah, it can change, but there are a lot of sexual pain conditions. This is another thing that does not get talked about. We should definitely do an episode on this. And then also, of course, sometimes just high level. It's just you need loob.

Yes. I mean, that's one of the quick solution fixes for it. Yeah. That's not everybody's problem. But I mean, I've been in pain where I'm like, oh, I just need more loop. But that's why we sell a great loop. It was probably because I didn't like the sex I was having, honestly. Probably didn't part of it.

Yeah. Yeah. there are a lot of potential causes for it, but I think as women, we're kind of taught to just let it happen and just continue. A lot of us think that like pain just is a part of sex. That just is what it is. So I just like to be super clear of like, no, you should never be in pain. And you're going to destroy your sex drive if you're having sex with you in pain. So if you're in pain, if somebody is crossing a boundary, doing something you don't want to do, that's a moment where it's just like you just have to speak up in that moment and say something

like I need to change something up. That's not on the menu for me tonight. Like that's not something that I feel interested in doing tonight. Something like that, but be really clear and directive. And it doesn't have to be a slap in the face. Like, fuck you for doing that kind of thing. But just like, yeah, that's not really something that I'm open to doing tonight. Or I'd like to switch things up right now.

I need to take a break. We cannot do this. Yeah. So that's that. And then we've got the gray zone, which is, you know, a lot of different stuff can come up in that category. So in general, the actual, the end of the end of the end. advice that I have when your partner is doing something that you're not loving is you're always

going to get better results when you're making your request if you frame it positively than if you make a negative complaint. And that's true inside the bedroom and just generally in life. So try to figure out what is a way that you can give some positive feedback to your partner instead of making a complaint? If you're at the early stages of a relationship or you're just starting to have more communication about sex, give your partner a ton of compliments. This is where we like get back to the compliments thing. Like a lot of times if you're giving your partner enough good feedback, you might not get to a point where there even is something like super negative that they're doing. Because you've given them feedback of like, I love when you

go slow like that. I like it when you touch me. I prefer you going down on me versus fingering me. So that kind of stuff. But in the moment, we want to think about what's a way that I can kind of positively redirect somebody. And I will say people get a little bit resistant to this because we have that fucking fairy tale in our head thinking like our partner is just supposed to know what to do, just supposed to magically figure it out. And sometimes we feel like I don't even know what I want or what to ask for. But I do think it's really important for us to recognize like that responsibility is on us to figure it out. We can't expect our partners to be mind readers. And we wouldn't want to be expected of that in reverse either. So really trying to think about, okay, how is the way

that I can frame this? So it might be something like, oh, that softer pressure that you were using a minute ago, like that felt so good will you go back to doing that? Something like that. So you're giving them a compliment, but you're giving them a little bit of a direction with it as well. Okay. So something, and we do want to, we want to give like better techniques for doing some of these things. Something that I've struggled with with a couple guys is they want to stick a finger in my ass or a sex and I hate it. I really, it takes me out of the moment. I don't like it. But if that's going to like really turn them on, I want to find ways that like maybe I could find it more pleasurable, you know? Because like if that's really where you want to be for the finger in my butthole, every time you're coming, fine, I can figure out how to enjoy this more. But like all I've ever conjured is like stop doing that. I hate that. Don't do that anymore. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like it's a pretty strong feeling for you.

I don't like that. I don't want that to happen. So I can appreciate that you're wanting to be like a generous partner. You're like, okay, if this is something you're really into, let me see if I can find ways to enjoy it. So there could be a compromise. Like maybe there's something like your partner's just touching your butthole instead of going into it. So that could be something. But if it's, if you're keep coming up against this like, don't do that. I hate it. I don't like it. I would say don't force yourself. to push your boundaries. Sounds like you have a pretty clear. Well, and I mean, for sure. That's, I guess, obviously that's a turn on for them. But, like, it's probably more of what they think you want. Like, what guys, like, really just love to stick a finger in them? But, like, they probably just think that's what you want or they think it's hot in some way.

But they can definitely do without it. It's not like they're getting off by their finger. There's not that much sensation in your finger. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There's not a, oh, it feels so good up there. I'm just like, I feel like you can, if they're also, I mean, I, I, I slept with to the guy that was, like, such a. but guy that I was like, do you even know that I have

tits? Like, do you know that I have anything else going on in my body besides my butt? Like, all he wanted to do was like be back there, everything to do with it. So I feel like if it's that, they could like spank you. They can like, you know, be kind of in the crack a little bit. They can do more stuff with your butt than stick a finger in the hole. I like the rimming idea, actually. Because like

they can still feel like they're like butthole adjacent or like around it, but I'm not having. Also, I have no problem telling somebody don't fucking put your fingers there. Like, I'll draw boundary any time I need to, but I was trying to. But I was trying to compromise. And I feel like a little butthole play, I could get behind a little more. Okay.

So if there's something like your partner's doing in the moment and you just cannot figure out a way to like, how do I redirect or like changes into something positive, you can do the like, hey, look over there technique that I like to call. What? Just tell your partner, hold up, let me focus on you for a second. So you're changing things up. It's just like giving you the opportunity for a total reset. But listen, I just feel like men are like, like,

some of their dumb brains would be like, okay, so every time I put a finger in her butt, I get a blowjob? Like, they're going to think that they're being rewarded. There's not classical conditioning going on here. You just do it sparingly. Okay. Have a bigger conversation if they keep going to the butt. It's a little bit of last ditch effort.

But it can't be like a great, if you're just really stuck in that moment, like let me just focus on you for a moment. Because that feels really sexy. Who wouldn't want you to focus on them for a second? And it just gives you the opportunity to like reset the moment. Yes. And you might be able to figure out some positive feedback or some coaching to give to your partner while you're doing it. So you might say something like, let's say you're going down on your partner.

He's a guy. And you can like lick the tip of his head and see like, hey, do you like the way I'm licking you? I want you to do this to me next. So you're actually like teaching him a little technique in the moment. Or it could be more broad. Like do you like when I go nice and slow like this? I want you to do that to me next. Okay.

So it could be super. super specific or it can be general, but it's a very sexy way of giving your partner a little bit of information. I think we, I'm just trying to think of what we see the most questions, complaints, emails, messages about. I mean, a lot of it is oral sex and either that they aren't going down there or they're doing it totally wrong. They can't find the clit. I mean, I think that that can be like, I love what you're doing. It just needs to be what higher up. Like, I don't know. I feel like, I've never really experienced where a guy really has no idea what is going on down there. Oh, yeah.

It's not pleasant. Yeah. I mean, so one great resource that we have is we have these four play guides where we have super specific and detailed illustrated techniques. And so we love recommending couples get those together because it really levels the playing field. You feel like you're both kind of like learning new techniques together and you can try things out together.

It makes it feel fun to learn new techniques rather than like, oh my God, now I'm I've got to teach you what to do. But another technique that you can do, I call it the eye exam technique. Like, you know when you go get an eye exam and they're like, okay, what's better? Like this one or this one kind of thing. So compare two techniques against each other. So it gives you a little bit of information to go off of. Because like if you ask somebody, tell me what you like.

That just feels like a really big question. It's hard to answer. Like I can't give a super step by step, like do exactly this and then exactly that. Like it's just, it's too big of a question. But if Xander's going down on me and he's like, okay, what do you like better? If I lick like this or I look like that. I use this pressure with my tongue or I use this pressure with my tongue. Then it's like I have options to choose from.

And he's not feeling like I'm criticizing him because I'm picking the one that's better. Right. And it's like this fun kind of we're exploring together, trying different things. So you can switch off like, I'll do it to you and then you do it to me. But if you compare different techniques and again, it can be specific stroke. it can be pressure, it can be speed, it can be like two completely different activities. Like, do you like it better when I finger you or go down on you? But it's just a more fun way to explore and give that feedback to each other.

Okay. I love that. I'm assuming also I'm thinking of other things. I bet there's a lot of guys putting their finger inside of you because they think that's what they're supposed to do. So I like that a lot. But you mean during when it goes down on you? There's especially younger, I feel like we have talked about this, like the term fingering. Some people don't know exactly. I mean, it can mean, putting your face. fingers inside. But some women don't like that. And they're like, you're supposed to be like playing with my clit or like the outside as opposed to like just jamming your fingers inside of me. So I feel like that can be a little difficult to redirect. Yeah. So that can be a fun one of like, oh, do you

like it better when I put my fingers inside of you on your clit or I do both at the same time? So that could be something to for sure. But yeah, I think a lot of men, I mean, and they're, again, they're conditioned by TV, movies, porn to believe that the penetration is like the be all and all. So the funny comparison that I like to make is like it's really important for us to think about it from a nerve ending standpoint of like what parts of our bodies are actually wired to feel a lot of pleasure. And the interesting thing too is that our genitals, we all start off basically as one gender in the womb and our genitals don't differentiate until like eight to 11 weeks. So different parts of our genitals actually match up with different parts of like male genitals. So the vagina, the equivalent of the vagina in a woman is actually called the Prostatic utrical in a man, which is like where no man is out there expecting like

where are my Prostatic utrical orgasms? Like, how do I get that? So that all sounds a little complicated. So I like to boil it down and just say like intercourse for a woman is basically like stroking a man's balls. So like, sure, that might be fun. It could be pleasurable. if you have balls that are really sensitive, great.

Explore that. Play with those balls. But would we expect the vast majority of men to be wildly orgasmic from a little ball stroking? No. So why are we setting this expectation for women that we should be wildly orgasmic from a part of our body that just does not have very many nerve endings? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

That's interesting to think about. So guys get that a little bit more. I'm like, let's imagine an alternate universe where intercourse is like a guy rubbing his balls on a woman's clitoris. You know, like, I'm like, I'm getting this. stimulation of the most sensitive part of my body and you're getting stimulation of a very insensitive part of your body like why is that not working for you yeah yeah i would get off instantly you could rub anything on my clip you and your boss run the and i also like just taking someone's hand

gently but i think it can be hot i mean i don't know maybe i think that to do that in like a sexy way just like moving someone a little bit from like where they were previously sometimes i think you can do it without words but if it's you know you're gonna feel the moment out yeah Yeah, I like a request. I love stick your fingers inside of me. I like when somebody goes down on me and is like sucking on my clit and fingering me. I like the whole shebang. But what if somebody is like my man just doesn't go down on me at all?

Yeah, that's where it's going to be time to like make a direct request of them. And so I always like to start again with framing it in a positive way. Like you know it sounds so hot to me. Or again, we can do a little bit of fibbing. Like I have this incredibly sexy dream last night about you going down on me. I can't get it out of my mind. Like I would love for you to do that. you can even turn it into this fun thing about like, you know, why don't we have a little oral only night tonight?

Like, I'll go down on you. You go down on me. So you make it feel playful rather than coming in hot with the like, you motherfucker, you never go down on me. I'm so pissed. You don't care. You know, like make it feel more fun. And I'm sure there's also a world, especially if we're talking to younger people that they just are intimidated because they don't think they know what they're doing and they've heard women say like, he's so bad at this and he can't find. the clit. And so they've gotten in their head and they were never really taught. I don't know how you really learn. I don't know how guys learn. I don't know if it's like actually like American pie. Yeah, another story that I tell in the book is at this same time, I was noticing that like Xander just really wasn't paying very much attention to my pleasure. It was very intercourse focused. He wasn't really like he'd touch me or go down on me for like 30 seconds and then we'd move on. And I kept getting the sense of like, God, this was actually a bit earlier in the relationship.

I'm like, God, this guy seems so amazing and so many other. their ways, but like he kind of seems like an asshole in the bedroom and I don't understand what's going on. And so I finally got up the nerve to talk to him about it. And it turned out his last girlfriend before me had said, like, she had a lot of orgasm issues. And she's like, actually, it really puts women on the spot if you like finger them and go down on them for a long time. So, like, it's the more polite thing to do to just move ahead. And so he was thinking he was being this nice guy of like, oh, I've got the cheat code to women and I know what women want. He thought he was being so kind and sensitive.

And I was over here thinking, like, God, this guy is such an asshole. So, again, this is, like, why I'm so passionate about communication. Like, I could have very easily broken up with him. Like, this guy has a selfish asshole in the bedroom. I'm over it. But instead, by just opening up that conversation, I realized, like, there was this awful miscommunication. I don't know why this woman said that to him in the first place.

But, like, it was very easy for us to reset from there and realize, like, oh, you want me to go down on you? Oh, my God. I'm totally happy to do that. Well, we say that all the time that people are just a product of the partners they've had before you. And what pleasured, if we're talking about a man, what his girlfriend, girlfriends before you liked. I mean, Raina doesn't like guys going down on her for some insane reasons. So if a guy dated her for a long period of time, especially very seriously, especially if, you know, it was his first serious relationship, but you just didn't like it.

He absolutely would think the next partner just didn't like it. So I'm glad that you brought that up because we have discussed that before. and how they're just going off the last one. And sometimes I think what we like to hammer home, to especially any men listening, is like every woman's body's different. So just because you blew some woman's mind doesn't mean what you're doing

is going to blow the mind of the next one. And I think it's important for women to recognize too. Like, it's very sexy to tell your partner what you want. Yes. You know, like we are all desperate for more feedback and in the bedroom. Like we all want to know, am I doing a good job?

Do you like this? What could I do to be the best that you've ever had? And so we get so scared on the other end of that of like, oh, I don't want to give feedback. I don't want to tell them anything. But like, it's so valuable to hear that. And a lot of people are just desperate to hear like, I would love for you to do this to me.

You would turn me on so much if you did this. Yes, it turns me on to turn another person on. I mean, that's what I really enjoy. And I think kind feedback is great. I don't mind at all. And I think how I would want it. If I was like giving a blowjob to somebody, and they stopped me at any point.

I don't think I'd love that. Or if right after sex, they were like, I didn't really enjoy that experience. It would really hurt or upset me. And I feel like there's just kinder ways to bring it up. But I am happy for the feedback. Because then I'm like, how great is this?

I get to be even better at this for you. Yeah, absolutely. Another great word that you can use to when you're making requests is like, just use the word curious. I'm curious about trying this. I'm curious to see what this would be like. Because sometimes when we give feedback, like it can set up this dynamic of like, I'm the teacher and you're the student and there's this power imbalance of

like, now I'm coming in here and like teaching you what to do or telling you what to do. But if you use the word curious, it just kind of, it levels that playing field again. And it makes it feel like your partner's not being judged. It's like, oh, well, they're just curious to see. And it gives you a little bit more space too of like, well, I don't have to guarantee that I'm going to like something in order to ask for it. I just have to like be curious enough to know what it's going to be like. Okay.

So we wanted to talk about a little bit of like technique. and we'd have on our list, banking, choking. I'm going to go down to you in 69. I sent her an email with this yesterday, and I was like, this is our work emails. Yeah. Well, so I, it's funny because I've been doing a lot of, just research in my stand-up of asking guys if they're choking.

And I have this whole thing that, like, Gen Z is just not choking, like millennials do. And older guys do. And I don't know if they're scared or they're timid or they're not sure what you do. Yeah. Well, which consent. We can't, you know, we, of course, consent. But I just, I think it.

It's intimidating too. And I think, of course, not all women want a hand on their neck. But I've been kind of interested in this topic of guys that are like, I would never do that. And it's like, you should try to get into it. Bad Sander. No, it was so funny. I got your email and we were having breakfast this morning. I was like, let's run through the topics that they want me to talk about.

So we're like loudly talking about spanking. He got all excited. Like, oh, don't forget to tell him to do, do that da-da-da. Just like yelling about spanking and choking in the middle of this restaurant. Oh, my gosh, great. And spanking. I mean, I love it. I've always loved it and I'll tell someone to do it and I usually get what I want.

But I also see a world in which a guy, for example, has never done that. And he's like, you want me to hit you? Yeah. Like, Zander got really nervous about the choking. And he's like, you know, I've only ever seen it in porn where it's like, it's really aggressive and it feels like violating and creepy and gross. And like, I'm nervous. I don't want to hurt you.

It just like doesn't sound right. So let's start with choking. Which also, we do choking tutorials at our shows too. So we're right. and I'm out on these streets really. We're choking pros. We know all different kinds. If you've used two hands, you have gone too far.

If you're choking from the top, I always tell guys I'm like, don't go top two hands. Then you're just strangling. And that's, maybe someone want it. I don't. I was surprised we've had to tell people, don't come from behind with both hands. Oh, gosh. No, no, no. At the show, we were in Phoenix and we brought these guys up.

The waiters at the venue? Yeah, there was none of guys. So we brought the staff. up and this one guy, Rayna was like, why don't you show us how you would choke Ashley? And he was like, okay. And he came from behind with both. And we have this image to be like this. And the way he thought he knew exactly what he was doing.

Yeah, he stepped right up to the plate. He ran there. But then like Andrew Collin, for example, a friend of ours, I did his podcast like years ago. And he was like, can you show me like how you do it? And at first he did too much pressure. The fingertips, I was like you got to do like a cuff. Yes, exactly. Don't want to take your.

nothing on the front of the throat. It's only the sides of the... And you can do this to yourself. Like the sides of your throat are pretty tough, but even the slightest bit of pressure on the front of your throat and you're like starting to choke. I'm like, it's my whip by blacking out.

Okay, so anyway. Okay, so if you're a guy who's nervous about it and you've never done it before, like a really great way to ease your way into it, it's just like start to caress your hand up the neck. And you don't even have to squeeze. It's just like putting a little bit of pressure there. And that movement of like you can move from like

the breasts. up to the neck. Like that's super sexy. And you can see if your partner is like responding to that. So that's a great way to start. But then yeah, if you do want to squeeze, you want to do it really lightly. Like I think people underestimate how gentle you can go and still make an impact. But again, the pressure is only on the sides. It's never on the front of the throat. I just love everything in my neck area. Like kissing like hands, all the things. So I think you can even do that making out. Like I'd love. Oh yeah. So we always say like if a guy's got his hand on your neck when you're making out, you're like, it's a lot. It's going to be good.

The back of the neck too. Very underrated, but the nape of your hair. Oh my God, so sensitive. So I think that these are the things we want people to know. And I know mostly of our audience is women, but them even relating to their partner. And of course, like slipping them this episode is just, it's not as intimidating as you think. And it's can, you don't have to go zero to 60. Yeah.

If you've never choked somebody before, it can start, yeah, soft touch at the neck. I mean, this is another sneaky way that the sexual perfectionism comes. creeping into our sex life is that we all feel like we have to go zero to 60 immediately. And it's like there's something really great about taking small steps and easing your way in. And there's a lot to explore too. Like a little gentle caress up your throat can be way more pleasurable than like a tight squeeze. So it's like don't downplay them as like, oh, they're little baby steps. It's like, no, they're really sexy, fun, exciting things that you can do.

And it's not easy for everybody. I've had like experiences where somebody's choking me and their arm is laying. again, it's my neck a little bit. It really, it feels, I mean, nobody's trying to be violent with you, of course, but it feels a little violent, or it hurts. And I don't know how to stop them, because the point is to, like, be a little bit scary and dangerous. Well, that's what happened to me in Greece.

I was like, I'm in a chokehold. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to let him finish. I'll tap out. I'll tap out if I need to. When he comes, are you faint? A little safe word might be good to use two if you're going to do some, like, intense choking.

For sure. Okay, so I like these choking tips. Let's go to spanking. Okay, so spanking is kind of the opposite. We're choking a lot of people underestimate, like, how gently you can do it with spanking. A lot of people think that you should go soft. No, we know. Also, we, I can't tell you many times I have been softly spanked and it really gives me the ick.

When somebody winds up, like they're going to spank you really hard and you just get a tap. It is so ick. his turnoffs include too light of a spank. That's what gives you the ick. I completely resonate. There's nothing worse. There's nothing worse when you think they're winding up for like a real hit and they just graze your butt cheek. Like they caress it.

We do this in our live shows. But I get it. I get that they're scared to hit you. I know. Well, some guys are. Other guys go way too hard. We do this in our live shows sometimes and like I'll be bent over the chair and they will knock the chair over with me in it.

It falls into me. I'm like, you should get a. his number. Yeah. Actually, like, catches me. I've walked 10 feet from this bank. I don't know. I think that your butt can handle a lot. And I mean, I've been at points where I'm like, I'm about to come and it does hurt. And I'm like, I'm sure my ass is like bright red, but I'm, I'll tell you to stop if I don't want it anymore. But I have kind of like gritted my teeth and taking it because I'm like close. And it's like that pleasure and pain. I mean, I just think not everybody can handle that much, but I actually is a high pain tolerance. Our asses are.

Our asses are equipped to handle it. But then sometimes I'm like, can you just get the other cheek? Like, I feel so unbalanced. Yeah, switch it up a little bit. And like, that's the one with the dent in it. Like, just do the other. Their left cheek focused. Okay.

Also, you have to spend me like you mean it. Dirty talk too. I feel like I can tell if you don't mean it. You know, like when somebody calls me a slut and they don't mean it, I can tell. We get very fixated on technique with sex, but the energy behind that technique is. Energy. Okay, we have totally derailed you. How do you get guys to spank you?

Or anyone to spank you. I want to talk about the energy of spanking. So if you're in a relationship, I recommend that you have a little spanking session outside of the bedroom so you can get a sense of the level of pressure that you guys each like because it's too much in the bedroom. It's like in the moment where it's either too soft and it gives you the ick or it's too hard and you're like tears coming down your face. So do it outside the bedroom.

I love that. And have your partner like start. kind of soft and work their way up and then tell them the level of pressure that you like. So it's like getting a sense. This is also a really great trick to use for hand jobs because a lot of women underestimate how much pressure you can use on a penis. So you can like grab it and like squeeze and have him like you slowly squeeze tighter and have him tell you like that's the level of pressure that I like.

Wait, I love that. Yeah. It's a fun exercise. It's so valuable. We'll be, I promise you. We're doing handjob squeezing tonight after we watch. You'll be shocked by how hard you can go. A lot of women are doing like the sad spank equivalent of a hand jaw.

Just like barely, barely. They're lightly grazing it. Yeah. So we got to do large. Squeeze it like you made it. So, okay, other things with spanking is like the location is important too. Like if you're too close into the crack, like you can hit the tailbone or you can hit the hip as well. So when you're in the moment, one thing to do is like use your hand to kind of like caress the butt.

So we're not spanking yet. We're just caressing it. And like use that to kind of find the meaty. area. That's where we want spanking to happen. So you use your hand to kind of like find it and then then go in from the spank. Got it. Yeah, I'm not that I'm the one that's banking, but totally. I'm thinking of when guys have done that. Like, yes, they're finding where they're about to just wind up. If you don't know your target, like it's very easy to go off. That's so funny. You do have to like find your target first. The fleshy part of the fun. And it doesn't,

when they do it in the wrong part, it doesn't even make a good sound. You're like, oh. that felt flat. You just smack your side. You're like, there's no pleasure zones there. You're just punching me on the side of my body. Okay. Okay. I want to talk about energy for a second, though.

What if you're like, I just know his energy doesn't say I want to spank you? Yeah, that's a tricky one. So you might have to have this conversation with them, like, asking him, like, or just giving him that positive feedback of, I love it when you spank me. I think it's so hot. It turns me on so much. a lot of guys like get worried about hurting you or like I don't want to do that if it feels like degrading to you so you might just need to lead with that. I love being degraded. Yeah. So you literally say that to your partner like that turns me on when you do that when you get into that kind of energy. But I think even just talking about like what is the kind of energy that you most like to experience during sex. So it's different for everybody. It can be different in every moment or like in every interaction. But like what is that vibe that you're going for? I mean this is another thing. Couples very rarely talk about. But I, I love picking, like, pick your five favorite words that you most frequently, you know,

want to experience during sex. So is it like curiosity, is it exploration? Is it romance? You know, it can be totally varied. But I think one of the most important ones is enthusiasm. Like, somebody can have the best technique in the world, but if you can tell they're just not into it, maybe they're not even present in the moment. They're just going through the motions.

Like, that's some of the worst sex ever. Yes. I dated somebody like that. Perfect dick, great body, good-looking guy. I was just like, are, am I bothering you? Yeah. Right. And I feel like you hear that with blowjobs where guys just say, I just want you to be enjoying it.

That's the number one technique for a blowjob. If you are enthusiastic about it, you can have really shitty technique. But if you're really into it, he's going to be into it. Okay, can we just go back to spanking really quick? I'm ready to do our spanking whole episode. You know what I think is funny that when guys vary in technique, it's a quick and they pop back out or they kind of hold their hand there. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's either like, they do lap and they hold it or they go, and it is funny when they just like, they leave their

hand there. But it's also kind of like, I think, tell me if it kind of compares, you wouldn't really understand. But like, when you do, when you get bikini waxed and the second, they rip a thing off, they put their hand there to like kind of curb the pain. Yeah, that is a technique is it kind of helps dull the pressure. So if you're doing a really intense spank, that actually is a good way to, like, dull it. But if you want to feel the pain of it, then take the hand away and you'll feel it more. Like it's funny when you're having sex with someone you're like, oh, that's their technique. Uh-huh. It's more the quick pop pop. Maybe we just end with 690ing. I'm going to be honest, guys. I'm just not a 69 fan personally. We're not really

either. I just kind of like, we wondered if you had any. No, no, I can, I just always have to be honest about that. I'm like, I like the giving or the receiving at one time or the other. Okay, but a great technique for 690ing is try going on your sides instead of top to body. So a lot of people don't like 69 and because they're like somebody's face is always in somebody's ass. And it's just like it's hard to, if you're the one on top, it's like it's kind of hard. You're like hovering, but you need to use your hands to brace you up. But you also want to use your hands to like do a blow job or a hand job or you know,

whatever it is. So it can be a little bit tricky. But if you flip over onto your sides, you can still have that configuration of like heads are in genitals. But it's a more comfortable position to be in for some people. You've got like an arm that's a little bit more. free to help you work. Okay. I love that. Great. That's a great tip. I like just side sex anyway, aside from 60-90. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So just kind of take that into your 60-90.

Yeah. And also with 69ing, you can do just your hands. So I think a lot of people feel like you have to do oral sex, but like you could do just your hands because hands are a lot easier to do as well. And some people just prefer that. So it's fine. It counts if it's just hands. I'm excited for the next person I date to do this handjob night. Yeah. Where I'm just like harder, harder? How much more? It's just like so funny to me.

I think hand jobs are one of the most underrated sex acts. People write them off. No, we agree. I love them. I love the stroke a dick. They're fun to do. And a lot of people are like, oh, he can do it better than, you know,

than I can't. No. It's very fun to have it done to you. He doesn't have to do it. It's nice. And then he teaches you and then, yeah. It's very fun. Oh my gosh.

Vanessa, this was so wonderful. I love this conversation so much. Do you feel like anything was left out? You're dying to say? I can sit here and talk. I know. We'll have to have you back. We'll do it in L.A.

We'll have to catch up in L.A. I'm so excited that you guys are coming out. We are too. We can't wait. Yeah, we'll do. I love all. Your episodes are great. So people are looking for a podcast to listen to about you have a 69 episode.

You have a squirting episode. I was really get granular. We have a child free episode too. I know that that was something that you guys did. That's our most popular one. Wow. Really? Yeah.

Decided we're going to be child free. Yeah. I know. I loved you. Love to see it. I really want to listen to that because we came at that from obviously two single women. And so I'm definitely going to cue that up and listen to you guys discuss it as a couple. You were so great.

And this is wonderful. I'm sure everybody's going to want to find you everywhere they can, your website, your Instagram, everything. So tell them and then tell them when the book comes out and everything else they can find. Yeah. So I would love to connect with your audience on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. Shoot us a DM. Let us know you found out about me on Girls Got.

to eat. We have a ton of information on Instagram too. Like we do stories like I was saying every day. So it's a great way to just like get the conversation going. Sometimes we even do stories where we say things that like, okay, you watch the story and just crank the volume up. So your partner's like in the background and they hear it. I'm like, wait, what are you talking about? So that's a great way to get it started too. I love that. That's great. I mean, we always say use our podcast as a gateway to a discussion that you want to have. And I like that just like crank up the volume on something. We literally do. He's like, what was that?

We put up a question box. It's like, what's something that you want us to say out loud? So you can play it when your partner's in the room. I love that. Your partner comes around the corner. He's like, what was that about choking you order? It's a great, like, great way to teach your partner something without having to stay. Just play it in the apartment.

That is so funny. So come say hi on Instagram. And we have a ton of information on our highlights about all of our different guides and courses, the foreplay guides. We have like next level intercourse, all kinds of fun stuff. And then we're also online at vmtherapy.com. It's my initials. The book, Sex Talks comes out February. We're so excited about it.

And, yeah, our podcast pillow talks on all major podcast platforms. Oh, my gosh. I love a February release. We do. We love February. It's my birthday. What's your birthday? The 13th.

Love it. And also, I just want to say, this episode is pretty heteronormative people with penises. Yes, yes. But you really do make an effort to be pretty inclusive with your business. I've noticed. Yeah, absolutely. as well. The inclusivity is really important to us. Obviously, Zander and I are male, female couple. So we try to, like, call that out. But we, we think everybody's deserving of hot sex and deep love.

So we make a really big effort to make everything inclusive. Good. Well, we loved having you. Thank you for being here with us. We really appreciate it. And Ashley's just going to take us out. Hope you guys enjoyed this episode, re-release. You can find us at Girls Got to Eat.com. Girl's Gotty Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess on Instagram. Raina is rena.greenberg. Raina greenberg.com for her tour tickets. And you can watch full video again on Spotify and YouTube, subscribe, share this episode with a friend and we will see Thursday.

Have a good week, guys. Bye.