Girls Gotta Eat - If I Could Turn Back Time feat. Comedian Matteo Lane

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

We have the incomparable Matteo Lane (comedian, artist, celebrity expert) impersonating everyone from Cher to Adele, while also chatting about recovering from a painful breakup, the challenge of balancing a thriving career and a relationship, and how to handle a partner who is having doubts about you. We also answer our first Is This Weird? email from a man (honey, it's juicyyy), and introduce a new segment analyzing all our favorite pop queens of the past (Britney, Lindsay, etc). Enjoy! Follow Matteo on Instagram @MatteoLane. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, check our website for tour dates and merch, and find extra episodes on Patreon.com/girlsgottaeat. Thank you to our partners for this episode: ThirdLove: Go to ThirdLove.com/gge now to find your perfect-fitting bra, and get 15% off your first purchase. Lola: To get 40% off subscriptions, go to MyLola.com and enter code GGE. Scentbird: Go to Scentbird.com/gge and use code GGE for 50% off your first month. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I love this story. Keep it going. Then one night we left the bar and he says, Are we sleeping at my house or yours? Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat. Episode two of the year. We're back to counting. Back to counting.

I couldn't count high enough once we. When did you make me stop counting at number three? No. We went to like four. No, I thought it was like, Seven or eight. We never announced. Oh, we don't.

Oh, my God. We got a 16. You knew what I was going to say. We haven't announced a 16. How long do we've been doing this podcast for? Sorry. Yeah. Today we have such a fun episode.

I'm excited. Oh, my gosh. Most beautiful man. We've interviewed yet. But don't worry. He doesn't play for your team, ladies. We have Mateo Lane that's going to join us shortly. Brilliant, hot comedian.

I shouldn't focus so much on his looks. He's amazing. He's great. We're going to talk about breakups. We're going to talk about dating when you're hustling, all kinds of stuff. So stay tuned for that. I'm humble. Stay humble.

That's my heart. The real ones now. She's a real one. He's a real one. We have one announcement for you guys. We announced a second show in Vancouver at the Just for Last festival. This one's going to be at the Fox Theater. It looks so cool.

I know. It does look so beautiful, yeah. The 16th, guys. So the first show is the 15th. That's sold out like they always do. And so we have a second show, the 16th. 7.m. 7 p.m.

Yep, Saturday night. You guys. Ooh, first Saturday night show. Oh, and then you guys can go to JFL Northwest.com. for the tickets. Are they pre-sale right now? Or no. By the time this comes out, they will not be pre-sale.

Okay, yeah. So, JFL Northwest.com. Can't wait to see you guys. Don't come at us, Toronto people. We will make it there. Montreal, we know. Toronto, Montreal, yeah. So also I've been following this guy.

Have you seen that guy that's doing those inspirational dancing videos on Instagram? Is this stuff you've been sending me? Yes. This guy, Dante, I forget his name. He's like, he does a thing. He does like a twerk and then it pops out, inspirational, like, emojis.

No, I got to check this out. And he's from Toronto. Toronto. I gotta say it, like the locals. Toronto. No extra, no second team. Well, you're gonna go live in Canada with your Moose Jaw boyfriend. Right. Well, I'm already moving to Canada.

Yeah, and I'm engaged in the wedding is like later this spring and Moose Jaw. But if we're in Toronto, I've got to meet this guy. Dante Collie, I just found his name. He is the guy that's doing all these inspirational dancing videos on Instagram. You probably say him they're super viral. And I like went so hard stalking him. was like Toronto. Ashley's up till 4 in the morning every night.

Every morning I wake up to us on Instagram. It's a plethora of business questions and memes. I don't even know which to answer first. But you guys want pop culture knowledge? It's Ashley. All right. It's great. Vancouver.

Merch, all the things. You guys know. Patreon. Sign up to Patreon. Patreon.com slash girls got to eat. New episodes. Now there's like five. There's five.

And there's some of my favorite episodes we've ever done. We answer a lot of listener emails that are fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. And like we talk more. Again, we've told you guys stuff that we don't address on here that's not necessarily dating. relationship sex related.

We do talk about sex on the Patreon a lot. Those blowjob tips, though. We need more sex on the actual show. We got some cool stuff coming up. We will. But if we do want it now, we need to have more sex on the show. Forget it. Don't say I said that. Yeah, Patreon, subscribe, rate review.

We got some great ratings. Keep on us on your Instagram stories. It's been great. Thanks, guys. So you had a huge victory last night. Oh my gosh. Clemson National Champions. Oh my gosh. I cannot

even still really process what happened in that game. Like Clemson crushed Alabama. That doesn't happen. I don't know if you guys know a lot about college football. I know more about Alabama football than I'd like to.

They don't get beat like that. It doesn't happen in any championship game. It was like watching a bunch of toddlers play the Patriots. I don't understand. They looked so good. And like I just will masturbate to that game forever. Like I, Raina, Raina was saying that she hasn't had, she hasn't had any thing recently to put in her spank bag.

And like, for me, it's this game. When I was watching the game, every time they were like, and there's a four touchdown deficit, I was like, oh, God. Like, every time they were like, Clemson is crushing Alabama. I was like, oh, yeah, say it again. I was like, C, L, E, M, S, O, and. And Trevor Lawrence is our quarterback. and he's 19 and I am so in love with him. You see his sister?

No. Oh, yeah, they pan to the family. She said his sister or his girlfriend. His sister, she's so beautiful too. He is, I'm not trying to be like funny. I masturbated to him last night. And the game. It was both of the things.

He played an essentially perfect game. They looked so good. They were so on fire. He is just, he's six, five. He's got this long hair, these piercing blue eyes. Like, I don't know if he has tattoos. I can't handle it. I mean, you masturbated that future NFL deal, that money.

No, I love him. Like, I have some weird old soul crushes from back in the day. Did you watch Days Confused? Have you seen the movie, Days Confused? Like, I'm a human. You know, like, the freshman, like, the guy, the kid, like, he was like the scrawny freshman with the long hair. Like, that was my crush on that show.

Like, I have, like, some weird taste. And I think that the season started, I was like, is Trevor Lawrence hot? And my college girlfriends were like, Ashley, stop it. And I was like, what? Of course he's hot. He's hot. He's hot. He's hot.

Six-five. Best, he's going to win a Heisman. He's gorgeous, long blonde hair. Three more years of vasterbating into this 19-year-old. I can't wait. We'll be 20. Maybe I'll put him in my spank bank. Put him in your spank bank.

Thank you for that. You know we have Clemson girls listen to this. Thanks for making it a positive, actually. Yes. Thanks for making a deposit. But anyway, yes, the Clemson game, they are national champions, huge turn on. I'm on fire. We're so dynamic.

Like I'm on the team. That we like sports. Like you're on the team. I don't want, all these people that like watch sports are so invested in it like ruins their whole week when their team loses like do you play for the team? I don't know like are you out here just like pretending that you play for the team. It has no bearing on your life. And you wouldn't make the team if you even try. They don't even watch you as the mascot. Like you can't do anything. Or you didn't even go to

the school. Okay. She didn't even go here. She doesn't even go here. Well, I would have masturbated last night, but I'm a little traumatized. Okay. This was his past, oh no, two nights ago. Two nights ago. It was a Sunday. day night. Last night I wiped away the stain a little bit. But, um, okay. So my, so I, we talked so much shit about New Year's resolutions, but I did resolve in the New Year to start doing more things. Like cultural things. Like when you say that, you don't mean like good workout. Not like butt stuff. Like cult. Not like pick a new hole you've never explored. Yeah, you need to clarify doing more things. You just say things. Like what kind of thing? I decided to do more cultural stuff. So like,

yeah, art, performances, comedy, mostly comedy. Yeah. So I tried to go to a comedy show two nights ago with this guy. And I was like, do you want to come with me? And he's like, no, but why don't you come with me to this thing? So we had a cultural experience. It was one of the weirdest nights I've ever had in my entire life. And there was no drugs or alcohol involved. Right.

First we went to- I don't even want to think about it if there would have been. Like, what if you would have seen what you saw on like fucking shrooms? You would not be here right now. I might have enjoyed it, actually. That's true. Maybe you would have enjoyed it. Okay.

let me preface to me saying like these weird performance art things like maybe they just don't have enough depth to understand them or maybe nothing terrible ever having to make my life yeah I don't have any trauma so like it's not art to me so anyways we watched this thing we went to this gallery and it was basically like people were napping on a loop on the big screen like was there even music to it no it was dead silent it was people taking nap right like I could watch it if it was like fatty watt being like she my nap queen no this is a lady easier version of that. And it's just like,

I know that's like some people's art. I just like, I don't get it. All right. I'm trying to hold back. I don't want to offend people that do or appreciate performance art like that, but what the fuck?

Come on. Like, all I have to do is tape myself napping and then I'm an artist. And people will come see your installation. Right. I can have a whole gallery. And then,

so of course, after it ended, like I'm walking around. We saw like an iPhone 4 on the floor. And I was like, is that art? Was that like a bag of chips? I was like, is that art?

Is that art? The fire extinguisher. Is that art? You know, the fire extinguisher probably was art. True. And then we went to a play. A play, which you were like, you kept trying to get a reaction on me.

I was busy adding the podcast and you were like, Ashley, I'm going to play. Hey, I'm going to play. And I was like, oh, that's right. You don't like musicals at all. So you don't even like, I don't even know. I think you would like Hamilton, but let's just say you don't like Hamilton, right?

So you don't like Hamilton and yet you're at some like podunk play on the lowery side. I mean, It took me a minute to register. I'm like, oh, God, what's going to happen to her? Okay, listen, if you've won a Tony, I might enjoy your performance. But like it's just not my thing. Like, everybody has their things. I don't, I'm sure I like things that other people don't like.

I can't think of any of whatever, cult. This guy you went with for one. No one's ever liked him except you. Your taste is so weird. All right. Raina called me. I can't so laughing. But I'll keep going.

Rayna called me after this weird night she had And she was like, can you believe it? I'm like, yes, that's what you get. Do not call me again when you go out with this fucking weirdo guy and tell me you had a weird night. He's fucking weird. I'll listen now. I'll listen now.

Do not call me again with this. That's like Lev. He's like, I don't know what to do about this girl I'm dating, but she's 19. I'm like, I can't discuss this with you. She's 19. That's your answer. Meanwhile, I'm masturbating to a 19 year old. It's fine.

Right. You're out of your child pornography. But if I was dating Trevor Lawrence and he was treating me weird, I'd be like, I can't analyze this brain. He's a teenager. I like what I like, man. I just... Tell us about the fucking play.

We have good banter. Yeah, he's fine. He's going to kill you and chop you up. But I'll enjoy the relationship. We went to this, I'll say, quote, unquote, play. And, I mean, honestly, it was a lot to deal with. It was two people. First of all, already when I know there's, like, two people,

like the whole quote, unquote, play is a monologue. I'm just like, come out. Like, I don't even know what to do. do. So the first, they let you know at the beginning of any concepts are too upsetting, feel free to leave. And I was like, what is about to happen? You didn't tell me this. I totally forgot. He reminded me last night that they were like, you can leave if it's too upsetting. Yes. And I totally forgot. The first 25 minutes is this girl, you could blow her over with a feather. She weighs 80 pounds. It's a monologue. Lights fully up. She talks about how she realized at a very young age

that she liked to set people up to be harmed, like her friends. and she talks about basically the time that she basically set her friend up to get raped. Oh, this is just, it's, I mean, I can't write my head around this. There's like a lot for me to do with it. And like, I'm next to this guy. And I'm like, I don't know how to like react in like public to this. Because like, as a female, this is obviously like horrible for me to listen to. And then the second part of the show, oh, she took her teeth out also.

Okay, I didn't ask. You were telling me, you threw her old so much information at me, like a dentures kind of situation. Yes. She reached, she smiled really creepily, reached her hands up and took out her. her teeth. Have you had nightmares about this? I already have nightmares about my teeth falling out. I have those nightmares all the time for veneers, so. So they actually could fall out at any point. Wait, was this you? It's Raina's new date move. Take her teeth out. It makes blowjobs better. What? You can't

take your veneers out. Don't let people think you can take your veneers out, Raina. Dangered. People are going to be, people are going to DM us to be like, I got veneers because Raina told me too and I can't take them out for blow jobs. All right. Anyways. The second part of the play, it was weird, and this girl was basically having like a one-sided conversation with her mom, and there's a parrot on stage.

And then she walks five feet away from me, bends over, sticks her fingers down her throat, and makes herself throw up on the floor in front of me. I cannot comprehend this. I didn't know that these things existed in the world. Like, I assume performance art existed in Bushwick, but like I didn't know that this kind of, could come into my neighborhood by Astroplace.

There's a Walmart right there. Like, this is right down the street. That's a Kmart, but yes. That was an Astor Place? Yes. It was just a lie. Right, like, I just went to flywheel at Astor Place. You don't expect that, like, the next night, someone's going to be peaking.

The fucking exorcist is going to happen inside of there. It just was like a lot for me. It was one of the craziest nights I've ever had in New York. And again, no drugs or alcohol. And after the play, he's like, what did you think of it? And I was like, I mean, as a female, I'm just, I had a physical reaction to this. For sure. For sure. Like, I started to, like, feel like my mind was like, I was like blacking out almost because, like, I didn't want to receive the information.

Listen to a girl, talk about it. She set her friend up to get raped. No. Horrified. Yeah. Um, whew. Anyways. Anyways.

I mean, it was just a lot. It was a lot to do it. Didn't you hang out with them again? Yeah. Hug out with them the next night. I mean, yeah. Now it's like, it's, we don't talk about anymore. Ashley's like, if you get murdered.

It's on you. I just feel like he's going to murder you. I don't know. And not like murder that pussy. Like murder you and chop you up. And we're going to have to throw you in the Hudson, Lindsay Metzler. It leaves me plenty of podcast guests to help him hide the body. Yeah.

I mean, we watched football last night. So it was better. It was not as crazy. But yeah, I mean, I don't feel like I have anything else to say about it. Well, I had a traumatic weekend, too, that also involved throw up. So I went to Merrill's. We just had like a chill night the other night. And I came home and Dewey had like opened the fucking Amazon box where he takes these supplements.

They're because he's older. They're for his joints. They're glucosamine. The brand is Dastikwin. Highly recommend for you guys with big dogs. And he had eaten like 40 of them. Like I was like, okay, this. Oh my God.

And so immediately you're, he's a big dog. So I don't totally panic and I've had him for so long that I mean, I googled the stuff immediately. It's not toxic in large amounts. But it was like you should probably try to induce vomiting. He did that himself. right away he was like gulping water and then just threw up. And that was the first time of like 10. I'm not...

This is in the middle of the night. I talked to you for the last time. I know. I got home. Yeah, I got home at probably 11-ish, 11 midnight. And he puked. It was disgusting. And then he continued to puke the entire night.

So like 10 times. And there's nothing you can do. It's just in my apartment. I'm just like all night long cleaning up puke. I was so horrible. And then he kept like every... He was. well he'll wake me up when he has to go out. I mean, I tried to sleep. I felt like I was a mother

with a newborn. Every like two hours, I would have to get up and take him out so he could have diarrhea and it was five in the morning and I was like, I bet I'd cleaned up puke eight to ten times. I'm not exaggerating. It just like kept coming up and he kept scalping water and I was like, stop drinking water. Like, because he's just going to throw up the shit that's in his belly. And so it was like 5 a.m. third time in the night I had to take him out to shit. And he has like explosive diarrhea. And he was so weak from being sick that he fell over and, to it. I, in my life, I'm like, I almost let him loose. I'm like, you're free now. Like, go run to the streets to bring this shit covered dog. I don't have a fucking hose. I live in the East Village.

Right. Like, where are you going to wash? Like a basement to wash him at 5 a.m. Thank you. I like literally was like, I don't even have a fucking pitcher. I emptied out my Britta pill, my Britta pitcher. I'm done drinking out of that. I'm like, like, no, I just dumped it on him. I'm like dowsing him on the street and I'm just like, I just have so much respect for mothers right now. Like, I could never be one. Ashley texted me. I never want to have kids. I already knew I didn't want to have kids.

This solidified it. Like cleaning up, I cleaned up. I didn't realize how much it took out of me. Also, I didn't sleep because like I had to wake up every two hours and take him out and clean up puke. And the next day I couldn't, I canceled my workout. I was like, that was traumatic. All night long.

That's what people of babies deal with every night for months. I mean, oh my God. You imagine? I couldn't even believe. I mean, God, I love him so much. I felt so horrible. I was also a little mad because he did it to himself. And also, he probably ate $50 worth of fucking supplements.

I'm like, it's a tornado of horrible shit. But it was just, and I was obviously, I took care of him and I'm happy to do it. But I was like, uh, when he fell over in his own shit. I was like, no. So helpless. And I always know, like, you didn't, I just went to, I went to sleep. I had no idea. I was no and like you're like in kind of a bad mood.

I'm getting like one word answers. And I sent you a bunch of memes to see if you liked them. me you just wrote back shore. And like I asked you one more question. I got one word answer at like 2.30 in the afternoon. You finally came to terms with what happened until I know. And also like you just in New York, you just don't have the resources to deal with stuff like that. Like I was just going through rolls and rolls of paper towels.

I ended up five in the morning, no place to get a paper towel. I used a beach towel through it in the trash. Like I'm just running out of things to do. My apartment smells bad. My dogs covered in shit and his own puke. And I was like, I'm in such a dark place. never can have kids. It's trauma.

It's a real trauma. Like, when you told me he slept in his own shit, I was fucking losing it. And you convinced me to not only never have kids, but I think I'm going to rethink having an animal as well. But a small animal is different. This is an 80 pound dog covered in shit. I just, I don't want to be responsible for anything else. Anything that gets its period or shits.

I mean, God forbid I got a girl dog. Like, I don't want that. It's a period. Also, guys do, he's fine now. I mean, again, that was one of the things he decided to get out of his body. And, you know, that's just, it is what it is. He's great. He got a bath.

He got a blow out. He looks great. He does. He's fluent in his best life. It made me swear for the floor, so that's good. Yeah, your apartment looks great. It looks nice. Well, I'm glad that you're okay.

That was a lot for me to deal with. Secondhand trauma. But we both had trauma that involved. Throw up. Like, what are the chances? How am I, like, on an owl of the dude and, like, this happened to you with a dog? Like, this is a guy. And night terrors.

Didn't know we even slept all week? Oh, I can't believe we made it through. Congratulations. Good for us. Congratulations. I love that song I know I love anything post Malone

Same We saw him this summer We've talked about him a few times Yeah just a couple With like fuck Marykill FaceTad edition We've been done that in a while We should do fuck Mary Kill soon

We're not going to do We have a new game for you guys today Oh my gosh yes new game alert What else we're talking about What else we're talking about Before we jump in We have other things to talk about I don't know

I think we covered it all Patreon Vancouver Performance art Throw up Ashley hates this dude that you like I don't hate him I don't want you to die

it's like I love you you know yeah I got it I just feel like he's gonna murder you in like a scary way I do too like he would eat me like he's gonna skin you he's gonna skin you and like wear you over here and be like ready to record

like he would do that oh yeah like it was like a hilarious bit but I can see he does he stills your whole identity he comes over and sits on the couch wearing your skin suit I could see him murdering me and just like slowly eating parts of my body

like nibbles like fast snacks. He's like, I was told you you were a snack. Well, guys, stay tuned for him to wear my body as a coat soon. Raina's skin suit. All right. That's it. That's, we're good. We cover everything. We covered it. Okay. Well, I'm really excited. We told you guys we have an awesome guest today. So we have someone who is an awesome comedian. He's a friend of ours. He is so beautiful. Stop. Most attractive man that's been on my couch. In like a while. Ever. In my entire.

lifetime. He's going to take his shirt off at some point. So welcome to the studio, Mateo Lane. Thanks guys. I'm so excited to be here. Anyone listening to my voice now, like, oh, he's gay. Well, it's hard to reconcile. Because you're like, you see you and you're like, oh, and then you talk, you're like, whatever. Yeah, but I know you're in your...

Please, any woman anytime soon. So you're in your 30s, so like, I know you can't be straight because you look so good. Like... Well, that's kind of... Gay is kind of reverse the age. You know what I mean? Like 21 to 25, we're drinking, getting used to our sexual. And then where most people get married and start, like, having kids and, like, forgetting about life, we're just like, well, let's get to the gym.

You know, and just that's our next goal. So our kids are the gym membership and then a yacht. I mean, I don't know. It's just, you know. It's so true. I had a guy friend that he wrote like a very funny caption on Instagram and I sent it to some girlfriends. It was very like my vibe. And they were like, that's your man.

And I'm like, do you think that guy's straight? He's so beautiful. And he lives in New York City. There's no zero percent. But that chance he's straight. I got to be honest. There's a really, really hot straight. I mean, I'm not a gay person who's into the straight guys.

I mean, obviously, like, if you have a nice butt, obviously, I'm going to look at you. But I just, I'm not, there's a lot of good-looking men, straight men in New York City, I think. I just don't talk to us. You think it's hard to tell in New York, like, who's gay and who's straight now because everybody just sort of looks the same. Everyone's wearing a sundress. I don't know. And a beanie. I guess it is kind of hard to tell.

I feel like I'm very easy to tell. Well, you open up your mouth. It's like obvious. Even if I'm not opening my mouth, you look at me. be like, something off. Well, I was with a bunch of straight guys last night.

They were looking at your photos. Straight men are always commenting on my body more than anybody else. Beautiful. So guys, look him up on Instagram. Is it at my tail lane? Yeah, but you know what's so funny?

My Instagram is half my naked body and half of my artwork. So even if you're like, what a whore. I'm like, yeah, but I can't say I'm not talented. Are you, do you,

this is a weird question. Do you ever get like hot Freddie Mercury? Yeah. even one time I was walking in Paris with this guy, Zhuarie is who I love and my life. And this British guy was like, Hey, Mercury looking motherfucker. And I think he thought it was like foreign,

so I wouldn't understand. I was like, got it. And he's like, oh, you know, like shocked. Yeah, everyone thinks I look like Freddie Mercury. I think it was a compliment. Not the teeth, though. Oh, my God. No, not the teeth, but I, my, um.

It's a mustache and I'm gay. I'm so weirdly attracted to it. Yeah, not the teeth. Like mouth close, Freddie Mercury. Yeah. I'm just like, who. I like, who. I like,

Freddie Mercury's attitude. He was interviewed and he was like, I hope I go to hell. I've never wanted anyone who's told me they're going to heaven. I'm like, I never want to spend the rest of my eternity life with you. He's like,

hell would be much more fun. I'm like, you know what, Freddie? Besides amongst other things, singing and gay, get along great. I'm with Freddy,

who wants to be friends with the people that are like definitely going to heaven? You are so, that's so amazing. If Joel Olstein is standing up there telling me my way into heaven is X, Y, and Z,

and those 40,000 people in there waving their arms, pretend they're speaking in tongue, send me to hell. Send me to hell. I'm in that room. I'm already in hell. It is all hell. Okay, wait.

I want to back up for a second. It always happens. I want to introduce you like who you are and like what you do, how old you are, where you're from. I'll hype you up so you don't have to hype yourself up. You're a great comedian. Thank you. You have a great Netflix special.

Thank you. Great arms. What? Thank you. Ashley's going to fuck you after this. I hope you like a mushy dick. Wouldn't be the first time for either. I have never dealt with a mushy dick.

I have. Okay. I mean, probably once. I was blacked out a lot in my 20s. Okay. But you're like, you're very well-known. You're super funny.

I've seen you the comedy seller. Thanks. So tell us where you're from. How old are you? I'm 32 from Chicago, Illinois. Hence this horrible accent. I don't know. I went to the school.

The artist's school in Chicago. I was a storyboard artist. I speak five languages and sing opera. So how long have you been? gay? About three, three days. And it's been weird. Because all this time, it was like, what am I doing?

And I was like, got it. I'm supposed to be a huge adjustment period for you. I'm glad we caught you right now. He really caught me at a tender moment. Accepting my sexuality. After I already worked at Michaels. That might be the gayest thing about you other than having sex with men. I dated a guy that was a manager at pottery barn.

That's not as gay as Michael's. That's more lesbian. Yeah. You dated a lesbian. He was a lesbian. lesbian. He also dated Kesha after me. So we're like Eskimo sisters with Kesha. Okay, back

to you. I don't know. News about you. I didn't know about that. I know. Who's the most famous person one of my exes ever fucked? I don't. It's like hard to find so many more famous than me. Like I'm the most famous person that all my ex is. Kesha for me. Kesha's, that's a good one. I know. He like moved to Nashville and they were like, he's dating Kesha. I'm like, what? You never want to get that. He worked at

pottery bar. Like if I got a call that my ex was dating like Ricky Martin or something, I'd be like all right, well, where's the next I'm jumping in the river. That's where you want to commit suicide. No, actually, like, I prefer somebody to date, like, Adriana Lima after me because, like, I know I'm not going to compete with that. No, I do not.

I always want to be less attractive. Damn. Cash. No, okay. I lost, it's, I'll show you pictures of this guy. You would be like, Kesha, how? How did that guy fuck Kesha? Right.

Big Dick Energy. Okay, back to you. How long have you been doing comedy? How long have you been out? and then we'll move on. I don't know those two wildly separate different questions. Was it the same day? Actually,

it holds the same amount of weight. Ashley's like both of those things are on the same plane as me. I don't take comedians or gay guys. So tell us when you became undidable for me. I literally date both. If you like don't want to have sex with me and you're emotionally unavailable

and maybe a sociopath. Yeah, that's my goal. My male, my men type is like hot and hates me. I'm like, I'm attracted to you. You too, Raina. Yeah,

that's why I only want to fuck comedians. It's true. I've never had sex with a comedian. Good for you. But I'm also, my options, like, four different options, and they're all my friends. Right. Yeah, I can see that. You just, like, see bits about yourself right after you at the comedy seller, like

10 minutes later. Well, the comedy, yeah, yeah. I started doing comedy seven years ago, exactly. In Chicago. Yeah. It was like, literally seven, like last week. Yeah. Nice.

Awesome. Happy anniversary. And when did you come out? When I was 18. Guys, you're pretty young. So right after, like, I read after high school. Yeah, I was in art school. So it was like, well, you have to come out.

You've applied to art school. We always like to ask, like, did you date girls in high school? Do you go to prom? Did you go to prom? And I dated, you know what I mean? But it was just like innocent stuff. I didn't have like sex or anything. Yeah.

So you've never had sex to the girl. No. Good for you. Good for you, Gold Star. I had to teach her what a gold star was. I am. What is it circumcised? Not circumcised.

What's a gay called when they... When they come out, they don't go through the womb. It's a C-section. It's like a double gold star. Like when you've never got, you've never touched it. a jadda in your whole life. I think it's platinum gay.

Platinum gay. I think this is someone said diamond. Not just being Delta status. Platinum. Skymiles. Works for diamond or diamond. If anyone works with Delta, give me Miles,

thanks. Is there, this is like such a silly question, I'm sure. Is there any judgment in the gay community for if, like, those levels? If someone's like,

fucked women, are you like, you're not at our level? No, I don't think we think, I don't think we have a cast system in the gay community. If anything,

it's more based, we're more self-hating than that. If anything, it's more like, We argue a lot by we, I mean, the community itself, but there's a lot of arguments over, like, mask looking for mask, which is like this thing. People don't like this presentation.

We have to be masculine. So it's more about, like, just be yourself. And people are like, well, I don't like femme guys. Well, I don't like this guy and that guy. You know, so we all just argue, it's all this internalized homophobia. We just argue each other over. And Grindr is so, we're so horrible to each other.

We're so mean to each other. I'm not on Grindrinder. I can't. It's too stressful. I'd rather tap underneath a bathroom stall. I mean, it's too. And you got into Raya, so it's like, you're good. Yeah.

I mean, I got into an exclusive dating app. It's a big year for you. After four years of waiting. And then finally, like, you can email us. And I was like, girl. I mean, that was my email essentially. And you said, girl. And they were like, you know what?

You're on. That's like, it's trying to get verified on Instagram. It's the same. Every week I'm just, I get meaner and meaner when I apply for a verification. I don't even know how I got verified on Instagram, but just you're a very. When you have a TV crime. I didn't even know you were verified. There's a verified guy in this apartment.

Is it the dog? No, it's me. He probably would get verified before me. I mean, I don't even think Liza Minnelli is verified. She's an Oscar. Oh, really? I should check right now. I like how my brain goes straight to Liza.

Literally, I know me too. I'm like, got to check if Lise Monelli is verified, but I'm not verified. Let's see. Because I follow her on Instagram and she's, it's the official Liza Monelli. I have 57,000 followers. And I'm not verified. Well, you have a lot of feelings about celebrities. We're going to do a funny segment with you later about this.

Oh, you're convinced. But I think it's going to be good. Yeah. It's my friend. New game alert. Yeah. New game alert later. But, um, okay, so you are, we always people are you dating or you single.

Um, so you are newly single. Newly single was about to be engaged, newly single, newly single, dealing with being single. Every day is a new day. I'm avoiding Adele like the goddamn play. You can't listen to. Don't go near. Someone like you. Are you kidding?

Girl, even the name of like, oh. You are 300 days at least away from Adele. Don't go fucking near it. I can't. I'm like, you know, like those. spy movies are like they're going through like the red beams and so that's me avoiding medell if it's at starbucks like a matrix you're like dodging adele literally like it really is I think that's a saddest song what's so funny in concert though is she's I swear to God she's

saying three songs and talked for three hours it was and it's so weird too because she was like and then another thing I love New York and veins just like it doesn't land it all it's it all it's my fucking show I don't give a shit so what's going to go I wrote this song hello and then all of a sudden she's like never la la la and then you're like, oh, this is so pretty. And then right back to, and then I'm coming off and tube it off. And living down and toe.

You've been seen it off and can take another north and too. Bitch, what are you saying? And I was, I mean, she was performing at Madison Square Garden. My seat was so far away and mine's a little bit on the roof. And I'm just like, like, I was like Kevin McAllister and Home Alone too with the bird woman just like looking through that like thing. And I just, she just wouldn't stop talking. And then it was raining and she was still talking.

and she was still talking, and I was like, God, sing! This is what the Gwen Stefani concert was like, too. She did, like, six songs in between every song, she did a whole monologue about how depressing her life has been and all the shit she's been through with boyments, and we're like, bitch, you have a show in Las Vegas, I'm gonna be, it's like the hottest person alive.

The Gwen Stefani Depression Hour, it never ended. It was on and not. It was a lot. She's the hottest person I've ever seen in my life. I genuinely forget that she can, not saying that she's stupid. but I just don't remember her talking ever. Right.

Like, who wants that for me? Nobody wants you to talk. I mean, I like a little, like I wrote this song when I was going through a hard time. Yeah. Great, but five more minutes of that. And then we get another, it was just too much.

Well, I saw Cher. Still a huge fan. And Nicole Beyer and Sashir and I went to go see Cher. And we went and shared, first of all, she appropriates every culture. I mean, it is so funny that we're getting furious for like someone wearing braids. That's why Kim Kardashian loves her.

I mean, giant black afro. And when she came down on a brawomen, bird cage, Nicole started bawling. She was so excited. And then Cher did, I swear 25 minutes to stand up. Her ass is hanging out. She's in an average. And then Sunny, oh, that son of a bitch. I always love him.

And I love Chazzy. And then this is when I was in the show. And I was doing this. I sang with a boat. And we're like, God, just share. And then she comes out in like Indian garb. And not Indian Native American, Indian full-blown Indian. I was like, well, this is offensive.

And then as I, you can even see the dancer's eyes are like, I'm going to get in trouble, going to get in trouble. And then as I'm going to the bathroom, I literally hear, I'm like, oh, my God, Cher. What are you doing? But you're not going to say anything. She's in her early hundreds. Her ass is out.

She's on a fucking gondola singing to herself in an afro. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to yell at Cher. Who's mad at Cher? I feel like I'm right there with you. I really experienced this with you. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, we had a shit show.

And there were like gays behind us And like, gays are so funny in concert I went to see Mariah Carey's Christmas show Four times But one time I went with Evan Williams Who's a recovering coke addict And we got the fourth row And he'd never seen something so gay

I felt like it was explaining everything About gay people to him So we were standing there He was next to a group of gays And Mariah is singing Christmas music And these gays are doing coke And I thought First of all, Mariah Carey is not appropriate

To do coke at a normal Mariah Concert, let alone when she's like Chris. I think that's when you do coke. I know. I'm feeling like totally like I feel like I'm there with like a bunch of coke in my face.

I wish that Evan relapsed there. He had to sit back at AA. I was eight years sober man. I relapsed him or I carry Christmas I'm going to get back on track with something that you said. Ashley was talking about this earlier. But we were like talking about

what to talk to you about and you're newly single. And Ashley was like, I wonder if straight guys, like if gay guys are as big of fuck boys as straight guys are. Like, what is it like being out there? You know, just obviously, yeah, this podcast, we're forever talking about guys that won't commit and being benched and being strung along and all these things.

And we're just curious. Is that the exact same in the gay communities? It's just a penis thing. I have a secret. Men are still men. Gay or not. They perform an act of the exact same. They can be just as selfish in bed and they can be just as, you know, emotionally unavailable.

But I feel like with girls, they're like, I know I'm going to, like, trick you with this behavior. you're like, man, you're not tricking another man with the behavior. Like your mind works like the same one. You are? Yeah. I just thought you would be like, oh, like he knows what I'm going to do. So I'm going to check this behavior. We're all, look, when you're in love, you're just as stupid as the next person.

So, you know. We're all inside the bell curve. Jared Fried. Yeah. Jared Fried. I hear him screaming out of my nightmares. I really love him. We do too.

So I am, I'm curious that you, I feel like I picked up on you liking international men. Well, that's me. Yeah, I'm like, and are you, what is your heritage? Italian, Irish, and Mexican. Okay, gotcha. Shout to Mexico. We've been big on Mexico. So do you prefer, like, we've been saying for a while, like, white men are canceled.

Like, do you prefer non-white men or are you, like, equal opportunity employer? Well, I usually go for, like, a Mediterranean, Latino. You know what it is? I really don't have, like, I'm not going to, like, I don't. You want to have a type? No, but, I mean, look, at this point. It's like if you're trustworthy and have a job, you're in. Same.

But I'm not usually attracted to blonde hair, blue-eyed men. Okay. Like the Aryan race? Yeah. I'm usually more drawn towards, you know, Latin lovers, black men, Middle Eastern, you know. Middle Eastern is what I'm all about. Yeah, you're into just love them. I get pretty much anything but blue eyes and blonde hair is what I'm...

I know. I don't think I am. Although I'm going on a date with a guy who looks like Thor tomorrow. So we'll see how that goes. How are you finding guys to go on date's way? Right now on Instagram. Instagram. Walk us through this.

Because people slide into your DMs. Yeah, girl. I'm also like putting my ass a lot on Instagram. So it's like, boys. You are basically in a bathtub at all times or on a window seal or hawking your art. Yes. Or my artwork. Sons of bitches.

You're so deep. Okay. So walk us through the Instagram date. Like, because someone just slides in or like are gaming a little more graphic? Like, what do you usually get opener? What are the openers with these guys? Either I'll see a hot guy and message him a smiley face or a guy who I think is hot will message me.

What's your smiley? Is you have a signature emoji? No, just a normal like two... Like I thought it was a metaphor for like the eggplant. I love to know people's signature emoji. I just been the chachaw woman. No, I was just like literally a normal smiley face. And then conversations start.

I have like a sort of faux relationship with a man in Spain, Italy, two in Brazil. and one in California. Okay. And Mont and Montreal. But you just kind of text and flirt with? Yeah, we just like chit chat and blah blah and this and that.

Maybe I'll visit yada, yada, yada, yada. I mean, I'm really trying to focus on dating someone who lives in New York. But I also, I mean, I have no idea. I'm not over my ex yet. So I'm trying to figure out, I'm trying to figure out those emotions. Yeah. Yeah. I think you got some time before you, like, really need to think about, like, dating somebody more seriously.

I know. And part of me is, like, waiting for him to just call me and be like, let's fix this and get married. I would say it was yes in a heartbeat. But I'm also like, all right, Mateo, like, let's just, you know, this isn't going to happen. He's not going to do that. And I'm not going to make the first call for a number of reasons. So I'm just going to keep going on with my life and keep going to the gym.

I mean, the best thing you can do is look good and be successful. And I'm really trying at the gym right now, like, as hard as I can. There's nothing that made me like, well, when I went through breakup, that was my therapy. I would just have to hit it so hard to clear it out of my body. That was the number one thing. I have to keep busy because my thing is I tend to hyper focus on things. What makes me, I think, work really well. And what's helped me get success is I hyper focus on one thing and beat it into the ground.

But it doesn't work that way with humans. In other words, I can do that with art. I can do that with comedy. I can do that with singing. Yeah. Language, whatever. I can't do that with another person. It doesn't work that way.

It's more organic. and I can't control them. So when I'm laying in bed, my brain keeps snapping back to my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, and I can't, like, stop thinking about them. And so I'm like, okay, just keep busy keeping it. So I'm listening to a podcast all day or anything funny. I listen to no sad music. I just keep it rolling with, like, jazz and Lester Young and Cleo Lane.

And I'm just, like, trying to keep myself focused. So today I've been, like, I'm saying yes to everything. You know what I mean? It was like, great. This is amazing. And sorry, I had to cut you off, but we did a breakup episode because we get so many emails from people that are just like, I'm devastated. Like, I don't know what to do. And, like, all the things you're doing are like what you're supposed to do. Yeah. There's a,

we're going to have that therapist on too that like talks about, I hate to give it away, but talks about how like heartbreak is the same as physical injury. You know, like it's the same thing that happens. They've done, like, I'm in physical therapy right now. It's really like, people don't treat it like that. Like, what's going on in your, in your emotions and mentally is like very similar to what happens when you break a leg or, you know, really hurt yourself and people don't treat it that way. And it's like you have to actually heal the same way. My friend Taylor put it best. He's super gay and from Texas.

And he's like, it's a habit. So Tyke's not a dice to get out of a habit. So you got to wait not a dice. I'm like, all right, Taylor, you're right. I like that advice. I think it's... I can I be honest with you? It is so, my last, I've only had two boyfriends ever. And this one we fell so hard. I mean, I'll probably love him for the rest of my life. But

when I was in my last breakup, I was just drawing. I had no, nothing else going on my life. So that's all I could focus on. So like my outlets was, they were going to bars and drinking and, you know, this and then. Now I'm so busy and doing shows. It is so helpful. And it's really helpful to sit with comedians every night and just say something sad and let them make fun of me and heal it with humor. That is so amazing. What a gift to be able to do. Do you write bits about it? Have you written some books about it? I have a ton of bits, but you know what's really frustrating is like, I have a ton of bits that sort of are like orbital of what actually happened. So like I'm talking about like now because I don't have insurance and I want to

get on prep, which is an antiviral medication so you don't contract HIV. You know, it's like trying to get that. I have jokes about like going through that and I have jokes about like being sad and I've jokes, but I'm not, I haven't quite gotten to like the center. So I'm still in a bit of a haze and things haven't quite settled. So I don't know how to, I haven't like, I have thoughts and ideas, but I don't know if it's that funny yet. And I loved what you were saying about your breakup and how you're just like really pouring yourself into all these other things. And healing with humor too. Yeah. Like if you can laugh and like, I mean, I think it's good to give people permission to feel like shit too. Like that's fine. Like wallowing the shit, feel bad, right about it. But like,

if you can use that energy to like fuel yourself at the gym, find activities. Like we all have an outlet of like to, I mean, maybe you're not at the point there yet, but I don't know. But even if bad stuff happens, like all we can do is laugh. Right. And even if you're not a comedian, like people listening at home, it doesn't have to be humor or whatever. It doesn't have to be the arts. Like you can, there's something you like and there's something you've always wanted to do. Now's a chance to do it. Totally. Right. And whether that's photography or to even is something as simple as like, like, I want to learn how to bowl. It doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Like do it. Just have fun and surround yourself with like-minded people. Ashley's advice is move to New York. That's always her advice.

If you're not living in New York. The worst advice ever. I can't think of anything. My life is so great. Stressful than moving to New York City. It changed my life. I really have to get over this breakup. So you move to a place that gives two shits about you. That's, I think that's exactly what we're talking about. Like, it snaps you out of it. You have to, like, your mind is to work so hard every day. You have to think so hard every day. I mean, I broke up with my ex and we lived a mile apart. Like, I'd already wanted to move to New York, but I was

like, now's the time and it changed my life. I did, like, my own version of Eat, Pray, Love, but I did the gay version, which is like, eat gym and never emotionally contact a man again for the rest of your life. Julia Robertson Eat, Pray, Kweef. I mean, what a stupid, stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie. I hate what like Americans view of Italy is that we're all these just like You know what I mean?

Like, well you beautiful an American lady Hawaii, we have a sex and I love you. Right, you're just gonna go there and every man's gonna fuck you and fall in love with you.

But it is true. I mean, yeah, I feel like all you do is like just show up. Walk around in Rome and just get fucked. Yeah, but you're exotic in Rome.

You know what I mean? Like I like people that I don't want to fuck any white men anymore. Like what do I need with like a normal white guy. That's what I'm saying. I mean, I think it is like this. I love that Italians are like the white exotic. They are.

There's such a weird. It's a weird. It's very different than the rest of Europe. As long as you're not just like a bro for the Midwest. Like I just, but if you, I mean, for,

to come from, you don't like, you don't like briskees? I tried. I tried that road. Do you want to go to a football game? Yes, bro impressions,

please. Keep going to go. I don't know if that's all you. I don't know if that's all you. I could listen to people make fun of like white, white man, fuck boys forever. It's my favorite.

God, we're really brutal, aren't we? But if anyone knows my ex-boyfriend, tell him to marry me. Thanks. So desperate. We need to check back with you in a year. I'll be dead.

I'm kidding. I'm joking. I look back at like when I was fresh from the first time my ex and I broke up and like I wasn't even the same person. I can't believe this stuff I even let him get away with. I just wanted him back. It didn't matter. Like I let him just take it so much advantage of me. And I was like, here live in my apartment.

Use my car. Like to look back, I'm like mortified. You know what I said? Do you know what I said to my ex when he left me? Yeah. I said I will change every single thing about myself. for one more minute of your love. I said that to a person and I meant it.

Girl. I was like, if you want to be a good, if you want to clean up garbage for a living, I will just, I will support you and I will love you. But like, I, okay, please. I wrote that. I wrote that and I took it back a minute later. But like, I meant that. I think what we're really actually, like, what I'm missing right now is I'm missing the

feeling of love and security and being wanted. And so I've attached. myself with him for the past year and poured that vulnerable part of myself into him. And so now that it's gone, I have nowhere to put these feelings that we're equally sad and happy. But it's still, it's way more powerful than even being on stage and getting laughs or whatever. It's a powerful form of expression. And so my body is looking for somewhere to place these feelings. And so it is almost habitual. It's like, okay, I'm thinking about him. And regardless to whatever problems we had, I'm just thinking about going back to him because it's a comfort thing.

And then you start to realize why people stay in relationships that are toxic for so long. And it's not that my relationship was toxic. It's just that it is, you know, I'm like, yes, I'd marry him. And the same time, like, maybe it wouldn't be good for us. I don't know, you know, because I've had the same thoughts. You can just come back. You can live, whatever, blah, blah. I'll pay in this.

And it's like, well, wait a minute. No, I have to understand my worth and my value. My grandma had the best story. So my grandma, I grew up in the same block as my first 20. cousins. Oh my gosh. Well, the milling of us. In the Midwest, that's what you do.

Well, also, we're Italian and she married a Mexican. Sure. Oh, geez. My original grandfather's Mexican, right? And my grandma had five kids with him. He, behind her back, had four kids with another woman, named them all the same names so that he didn't confuse them. No.

And so when my grandma found out about it, she divorced him, obviously. And then I can't even imagine what she went through. and then she eventually remarried a Sicilian. So by the time I grew up, I had a complete Italian background with Italian grandparents. But of course, I'm part Mexican. Actually, indigenous. We're a Native American, which is the 23 thing in me. Okay.

So you can wear a headdress if you want. You know what? I'm Armenian, babes. So my grandma, though, at Christmas, I sat down on the couch and her couch that you're rarely allowed to sit on. And she's in her house coat. and I'm telling her about what happened with me. And she's so badass.

I love my grandma. She's like, you know what? She's like, your grandfather and I, the Sicilian, she goes, you know, I had five kids. And we were engaged. And he called me up one day. And he said he thought he was having doubts. And I said, you're having doubts. Then screw you.

And she hung up. She took all of his stuff and threw it at the end of the driveway. And he said he kept calling and calling and calling and calling. And finally she picked up. She's like, what do you want? And he was like, I'm sorry. please forgive me. I don't know. My grandma said, I know how special I am. I don't care if I have five kids and I'm a single mother. I'm special and I'm worth and if you don't see it,

screw you. And I was like, whoa, Nana. Madonna. I know. So it gave me confidence. And also to something else that helps me in breakups is everyone feels this. Everyone goes through this. Everyone feels this. This is not a, this is not just me. I'm not, this is not a single, singular thing that I'm going through that's particular to me. It's everyone's going through this. So keep that in mind and it kind of it humbles you. Well, and that's kind of like, Rain and I have just been so lucky throughout our life to have such solid networks of girlfriends and family as well. But that's sometimes we've talked about these things in the podcast. And granted, some of the listeners are younger. So maybe they just haven't experienced this as much. But they're like, thank you for

just talking about this. I didn't know that everyone went through this. We're like, how do you not know? Like every girlfriend I have has been heartbroken by now. I mean, we're in our 30s. So it's just like, it's just so crazy that some people think they're alone. Well, because people I don't think want to talk about it. I want, all I want to do is talk about it. Well, that's why you're a performer. You know what I mean? That's why we're sitting with three microphones and a dog.

I mean, that's, you know, but I think most people, there's a shame involved. And so people don't want to, they see that they see themselves as being weak or there's some kind of shit, whatever it is, right? And they don't feel comfortable talking about it. And so they don't. And they don't. They harbor all these feelings. And then they hear someone else going through it.

And they're shocked. And it's like, well, I think we all just were honest about it and talked about it. It can feel super humiliating. Like I remember when he left me, I was just the level of humiliation. Like, I mean, obviously we'd planned a wedding. So it was like another level of humiliation because you'd like cancel everything. But I just remember thinking like, I don't know who's ever gone through something so terrible.

Like I must be the only person on earth. I meet people every day now that have broken engagements that have been with people for five years and that it ends. We get hundreds of emails a week from people like that. And I remember just thinking like, I felt like I was going to die. And I kept thinking like, well, both of my parents have been divorced and they married. Other people have been divorced. And everybody's fine.

Like, everybody does come through it. Life does move on. I mean, and there's also way worse things happening. But, you know, it's like, again, walk through the fire. And, like, I feel like I've walked through the worst of it. And now I'm just like some burning embers and I'm like getting out of it. You know what I mean? I'm trying to focus and move on.

But when did you guys break up? We broke up at the end of November. Yeah. So it's just still, your friend is so right. I feel like that is a, I said this when we did our breakup episode of when I realized that it had been three months since we broke up and I was actually here. I legitimately at the time, but I was like walking the streets in New York City and I was like, it's been three months.

I need to snap the fuck out of it. I think that's a solid timeline of like you can really let yourself be sad and mourn the death of a relationship. And I think you hit that 90 day mark. You're like, okay, wake up, bitch. You have to grieve in a sense. It's grief. It's a sense of grief.

I, first of all. It was like a haze. I was like, well, absolutely. I don't feel anything. I feel nothing. I'm fine. And then all of a sudden,

like, I'm super angry. And then all of a sudden I was like, aim, shit. It's crazy who your mind goes through. I started dating somebody like six weeks later after we broke up. And I was like, I was like, I'm fine.

I feel fine. This is great. And then I started like putting all of the things that like I used to get from my ex onto this guy. And I was like, uh, we're not in a serious relationship. I need to like back off of this person.

It's so crazy. Um, I've, okay, never mind. I thought I had something to say. Oh, no. What's your grandmother? I just feel like at its essence, that is the message we are constantly hammering home.

It's like if someone is not 100% about you and they have doubts and they don't want to commit, fucking leave. And if they come back and they realize what you're worth, yes, get back together, but get out of there. Everybody deserves this. Do you watch Mrs. Maisel? Do you watch second season? Do you watch it? Do you watch it? I haven't seen it. I, guys, I watch Morning

Joe and the Golden Girls and that's it. And that's it. On a loop. But you're like very into like, music. So like, obviously, like... My taste of music is so specific. I have synesthesia. And so, like, I see color with music. And so I'm, like, specific towards the type of music

that I listen to. So it's just a constant. I could do... I could listen to new music. Well, the reason why I brought it up and other people watch the show, so they'll get it. But he, her husband has an affair and leaves her and he tries to come back to her because his life is, like, so shitty. And sad. And they, like, paint him as this, like, really sad person. He's, like, depressed and alone. And, like, you, you

start to think like, oh my God, they're trying to get sympathy for this person. And he tries to come back and she's like, no, like, because you left. Like, you left. You can't come back. And, like, you did things to me. And I'm not going to like, accept, like, you didn't want to be with me. You don't get to come back. And I just like, I like, I like, I like, like, I like, take a turn and make you feel

really bad for this person. But it's like he left her. I'm so glad. I watched Crazy Rich Asians recently. My friend Aquafina and Ronnie Chang are both in the movie. Oh, of course. She steals the show. Guys, if you have not seen Crazy Rich Asians.

turn it on right now. It's not anything like I thought it was going to be. It was phenomenal. But they, this one Masoni dress, if anybody know, I think it's coming out in 2019 Spring Collection, I will spend whatever it takes. The first dress she wears when she meets the grandparents like goes to the house. It's this Mishoni dress. Oh, it's insane. I can't, like, I will spend

whatever. That's your style. That's my favorite dress I've ever seen. I started Googling it and one of my, one of my gay friends, of course, he was like, okay, went really deep. I think it's spring 2019. I'm like, if you see it, I don't, I don't care what it takes. But anyway, there's a moment. I don't want to give it away, but there's a guy that has, an affair. I guess maybe fast forward if you don't want any spoilers.

I don't know. This guy has an affair. And the second she tells him, I know you had an affair, he turns around on her. And he's like, well, you did this and you haven't been giving me

enough attention and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, no, if this ends like the fucking intern, which is a movie I can't even talk about because the way that they turn that affair around, I'm going to be so upset. Because it's a message that it sends, you know?

And she was just like, no. He basically was like, you didn't build me up enough. You don't make me feel good enough. You're from this. I was like, they're not going to do this. they're not going to create sympathy for this guy that had an affair, and sure enough, they didn't. She was like, no, fuck you.

We're done. And, like, the end of the movie is her kind of, like, winking at another guy. And I was so happy. I mean, there's hope. She's going to move on. That's how straight girls hit on guys. We wink.

But I just love it. I love when movies and things in pop culture, like, send that message. I think it's important. We did a whole episode on Sexna City and the terrible message it sent to women. Sex and the City is just trash. But earlier, you were saying something,

and I thought of a quote that I think Carrie says, Carrie is the most insufferable, selfish, terrible character ever written. I'm sorry that we didn't talk about this. She's also a really shitty friend. She's constantly judging everyone. Just judging everyone. Being like, we are done having discussions about this.

Like, bitch, we'll stop talking about this one. I get the movie. They're all talking about their sex life. And she's like... Horrified. The second movie was an abomination. I pretend it didn't happen. The second movie didn't have any sex, nor was it in the city.

Exactly. But, you know, You said something. I swear you were like basically quoting Carrie Bradshaw when she's like, when you break up with someone, where does the love go? Like that's basically what? Yeah, well, you know what it didn't go to? It didn't go to that goddamn vogue shoot and you and that dramatic run to Miranda's house on Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve. Nobody would do that. Listen, I'm in my 30s. We would do that for. Okay, you're the only person I would do that for. Should she put on like a sequinence be for God? And never, you know that shit Irish wish.

Never brought to mine. Sing. Why are you closing? Willot it hard to sing. Open your mouth. You got that far. Try a little harder. If there's a blizzard,

once I'm in, I'm in. I know. Even for you. Well, yeah, that's the thing in New York. Also, can we just remember that the message that they sent was that Jennifer Hudson came to New York City to find love and got back with her ex in St. Louis? Like, they literally were like, no men in New York City. I came to New York to find a man.

Nope, I'm going to get back with it. But honestly, isn't that the most New York thing? It is. This is a city of 8 million people. And I'm like, yeah, I got to go to Spain. That was me. Every, you know how many, I've had multiple long-distance relationships while I've lived here because those are the only decent people.

Look, that's the way the world. That's why we're excited to get on the road. We're going to fuck people all over this country. I think I'm going to fuck a guy in Minneapolis. This is, I can feel it. Minneapolis, of all the places, this is what you like. I think I'm a 10 there. They're going to behave properly, though, in Minneapolis.

It's like, I'm from Pittsburgh. They behave properly there. I'm from Chicago, so I don't think... Chicago is great for women, too. Chicago's like a mini New York. Everyone's kind of a... But it's the difference. Like, the women have more of an advantage

because there's less attractive women and more attractive men, I think. This is the thing about New York, though, in terms of dating, is like, this is a city where people come to. Their A-type personalities, whatever they are doing in their field, they want to...

Exactly. So you're dealing with a lot of competitive, angry, bitchy, smart people. And so you can't, I mean, we don't have time

to go on dates and get, oh, you have an older brother. I mean, we don't have time for it. We don't have time for it. We get emails from girls. I was wondering what your take is.

Like, women are like, am I too successful? Am I like, are men intimidated by my success? Am I too successful? Should I, like, do you feel like that?

Do you ever worry about that? Like, are people going to be intimidated? Like, I'm so focused and I'm so grinding. And I'm like, I'm you a Netflix special? Who the fuck is a Netflix special? My mother at this point, but I mean, it's like, you know, she sounds great.

Yeah. Actually, my aunt's didn't make a really funny community. Okay, well, me and Ashley don't have enough specials yet, but we do. We'll be in L.A. You guys are doing great. We're on a different path. It's better. I promise.

I say, okay, so we get emails from women and they're just like, am I basically like, is my too successful? Is it intimidating to other people? I think that I don't realize it, but I'm sure my, I actually know my schedule was, it was so difficult for me to balance domestic life and work life. life because my work life is so demanding. I wake up and I have a million things already planned for me. And then it's like I'm trying to find time to also be with my boyfriend and he wants to do

so many things that are honestly great. He wants to go see like art museums and clothes and this thing. He has all these different types of interests and I felt so stressed because I didn't have the time to do it. I started resenting myself and him because I was like, I'm trying to follow my dreams. I'm trying to do this. I have a million shows. I have to go on the radio.

I have to blah, blah. And it's like, and then he's like, do you want to like go to this thing? And I like, if I would go, then it was like rushing it. And so I have all this guilt for that. But then at the same time, like, well, should I have guilt for that? Or was I trying to please too many people? And should I have just said, look, this is my life. You either accept my life for what it is and what is not.

And I promise you, if you accept my life for what it is, I'll make it up to you. We'll find time, we'll vacation. We'll do stuff like that. I probably should have been more that. But I was so people pleasing that as a result because, I was trying to please him, my agent, my manager, and myself, I was just, I became, like, mad. I love this, though.

I just think you need to have boundaries. Like, I don't know. Like, I remember one thing that worked with my ex was, like, Monday night was like our date night, and it was like sacred. And I mean, I guess you can't really do that when you do comedy. Like, it's hard to set aside a day of the week. But I think it makes people feel a little bit better. Like, they know they have time with you.

But I think you took the line between those. I think it's, it's fair to say, this is my life and you accept it or you don't. And like, you're going to change your whole life for him. You're going to stop comedy. You're going to go work at LinkedIn. I think it to knock on my stomach to think about now because my heart so badly wanted to just do everything he wanted to do because he was smart and interesting and artistic. And I just couldn't physically do it yet. But I'm in this moment in my life.

I'm so driven. I either do this now or I can't do it again. So this is it. You know what I mean? And I think he would have understood that too. It's so painful. to talk about because I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I wish I could go back in time and change so many things and I just wasn't, I just, maybe I just didn't have the strength to do it. But everybody would, but like if you change those things, like you wouldn't be you.

Where you are today. After every relationship, I look back and I'm like, I shouldn't have had, I shouldn't have picked that fight or I shouldn't have had that argument. But like, if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have been being me. So like, what's the point? You're just going to stamp out who you are forever. And I think like this is your, like you're 32. I think as we get older and we become more successful, we get into roles where we are so famous or so in charge where you can like do less. But that's what you're 40s and 50s are for.

Like this is your moment. Right. This is the best I'm going to look. Is he in like a crew? Creative field? Right now, I don't think he, he's, like, in between, like, moving and stuff. So, like, he's, like, not working. But he's creative.

Was your dynamic just you were more successful, clearly, right? I mean, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's just, it's, I'm curious because I think. To answer the question by her, not to cut you off, because before we forget is, was he intimidated by it?

I don't know. Right. The girls writing that, I could sympathize with you and say, well, you know what? Like, I would say just the way society was. works, men feel they need to be catered to. And so if they're not, they can become bitter and they start to look inward and think, am I not good enough. And there's this whole emasculated, I mean, it's all stupid though, because to me it doesn't matter male or female, whoever the breadwinner is, just matters can you two trust each other and do you have a relationship that works and are communicating.

Yeah. But people look at things like materialism and money and superficiality and judge those things on themselves. So if there's a woman who's independent and smart and beautiful and doing all these things and running her own life and you're a man and you're not, I'm sure you feel like, oh, I, because of how society looks at the relationship between men and women,

I should be smarter or whatever than her and I'm not and you don't feel adequate and so men will do things and cheat or men will do things in they'll be abusive or emotionally abusive and really it's them. I mean, it's inward towards

Yes, it's their feelings of inadequacy. Because I think most women, like these women who are writing in, I'm sure that the same way is me and the same way I am with a lot of other people who are either performing or really skilled in their field where, like, for me, for example, when I'm on stage, I don't see that as all-encompassing me. I see that as my job, and I separate my job from who I am at home. And I think sometimes people can't separate those two. And so where I'm not thinking about it that way, they are.

I don't know what it's like to watch my boyfriend get on stage. I have 200 people laugh at them, have all these Instagram followers, and then maybe that is intimidating. And I start to think to myself, wait, what do I have to offer in this? And do I, what am I offering to this relationship besides, you know, so I'm sure there's insecurity there. Yeah. I'm sure there is. And pride will kill you if you have too much pride.

I think it's, I think you're exactly right. And I think like sometimes women are, if there's a guy, they're not dating. they like a guy, they want him to like them back. They're like, is he intimidated by me? I'm like, he might just not like you. You know, you might not be serving. But when you're in the relationship, I think Rayna and I've talked about this,

it's like you get into this relationship, everything's great as the successful one, as the kind of the, I don't even know if I'm going to say alpha, but as the more successful one, everything's great. And then it just starts to like be the problem. We've found that. It's like not only you think I'm getting more and more famous, more recognition.

I'm up on stage, I'm doing this and out. I'm making more money. I also, you also feel neglected timewise. and I don't know. The neglect of time is... So they're like, not only am I weirdly emasculated and in a weird way, jealous, I also feel like you're not giving me the time that I need.

I mean, it's a battle. And like lately, I felt like I've let a few people down like on the friend's side. Like, you can't please everybody. I don't really know the answer here, but I think it's a real thing. Well, I think I... Sorry, you were going to say.

No, something happened to me last night that I haven't told her about. I thought it was really... It was like a weird dynamic I got into with this guy. I've been talking to, not the guy I was with last night, but a different guy. who's really successful in his own right, but he asked me like what I had going on this month.

And I said, oh, we have shows in DC and L.A. And he said something to me like, oh, you're so big time. Like, I wonder why you're even talking to me. And I felt like I was being nagged. And then like, all of a sudden, I'm like, what do I say back to this? Like, because, like, am I allowed to be proud of what I have going on? Like, that's my life.

That's what I'm doing. He's immediately trying to downplay what you're doing, make you admit that what you're doing is not great so that he can feel slightly better by himself. I don't know. I think he made him. feel sort of insecure so he made a dig at me. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I was doing. Then I thought about being like, no, I'm sitting on my floor with no pants on like watching Bravo. And then I was like, why would I say that? Why would I downplay? Like I am really proud of what I'm doing. And so I just wrote, ha ha, brat. You know what he should have said?

If he was a confident man, he should have said, congratulations. That's wonderful. Right. But instead he took it upon himself to make you feel bad and to try him up himself. I would have wrote back to him goodbye. I just didn't know what to say. And this guy, I'll tell you who it was later. Susan Boyle.

Cuter. Cuter than Susan. You know, my bones are hurt. I said Cher specifically to get the impression. I can't like that enough of. So bad. I don't know, but it's accurate. It's me.

I'm on Twitter, babes. I'm just Lexia can do all my own tweets. Did you really fucked up? Did you see the Kardashie? Do you watch the Kardashians? No. Well, Kim's success with her. So Kim, like, met her.

The vibe was so weird because Cher is like, who is this? You know? Who is this lady next to me? Who is this? And Kim wore an outfit that a Cher outfit. And you know that Cher didn't know. And so a producer had to be like, Cher, that's one of your outfits.

So she had to. Oh. Why aren't you on an elephant appropriating someone's culture, babes? Why? if you want to be share, appropriate. She's a cage on her head. Oh my God.

Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know the answer. I don't like, to me, it's like, what to what I said to you? Well, I just didn't know what to say because I thought about downplaying it and I was like, why would I? You want to, I only want to be friends with people,

be related to people, certainly date people that I can humbly share what I am going on in my life They're proud of me. I don't want to be nagged about it. All you said is you're going to D.C. and somewhere else, and he was like, well, threatened. Right. He was threatened.

Yeah. And you can tell if someone's threatened, you can tell when they're just a little, like, I want to date one time with the first day with a guy and whatever, these girls came up and they were fans and we'd get pictures. He had to take the pictures. It was a little hold my purse moment. I don't think he, he was just cool. Like, I think it can go either way.

You're like, he was just a secure cool dude or it would have been super weird for the rest the night. And it didn't even like phase him. I think he was just like, oh, what do you do? And then we were cool. And I think, I don't know, I think it's going to take clearly a really secure man to date one of us. Or you. Or you, for sure. And like, I always say, my ex-boyfriend was secure. I'm not saying he was insecure. He didn't really showcase that. I'm saying, I'm curious as to whether maybe he didn't lead on as much like maybe there was something he was. But generally speaking, he was a really good boyfriend. Yeah. It seems like you're very at least in sight. You've gone to a place.

where I think a lot of people should get to, but it takes a long time where you're like, I understand what I did wrong here. I understand what I did wrong and I understand what he did wrong. I don't know. Wrong. Focused on your career. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I guess wrong is the wrong word. I think that you have evaluated some issues in the relationship really clearly. I think so too. I think, I can see clearly now. But I can see clearly now. The red is gone. Is this Southern Cher? No, it's me, share.

Where's my, you? yogurt. What the fuck? I hear, do you ever look at her Twitter? It's insane. Like, I hear her tweets being read in that voice. Yeah, she's insane. Well, we want to, do you have any other burning questions?

No, this took like a really good turn. Yeah, I hope your listeners don't hate me. Sorry, guys. There's nothing. This is amazing. Also, okay, so we are going to do this new game, but you want to read that email. We've got a very funny is that we do this thing called Is This Weird? We're not going to do it because we're going to use you for your celebrity knowledge.

But this one was very funny. The answer is clear. I just want you to hear it. Sure. Ashley and I pull these ahead of time, and this one just came down from the heavens. Also, we're like lacking some Is This Weird? Emails, if you guys are listening,

please email us. Subject line, is this weird, really funny, dating relationships and sex stuff. Yeah, people got really into the Psycho or Power move, so I think that's dominated, but we still want your Is This Weirds. We're not done playing that game.

Psycho or Power Move is one of the funniest games we've ever played with girls. It's usually like this guy cheated on me, and here's this fucked up stuff I did to him. They're hilarious. I'll read you some later. They're amazing. Normally all my impressions I do are like Barbara Corkin from the Shark Tank.

I can't even doing shares so much today. Oh my God. I love Shark Tank bits more than anything in the entire world. Do you ever hear you do Barbara? No. Oh my God, really? Oh my God. Did you ever sit Joe Mann?

I want to tell you a story. It's about a young girl. She became a waitress. And when she was struggling, she got alone for a thought. I'm out. You know, I'm really interested in your product, but I'm not enthusiastic about you. You're too smart. You know all the answers.

I gotta trust my gut I'm out What is that? A bowl of mashed potatoes I'll go in for $200,000 and 1% of your company I look like Lady Lane Fairchild

from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood When a comedian gets on stage and starts a bit about Shark Tank It is my favorite thing in the whole world Okay so we get these emails They're calling it is this weird And it cracks me up And we don't get a lot from guys

And this is from a guy That's what's so special about it All right ready Don't read the top Don't read the first thing You know what I mean? The title? I never read the title.

I don't want to give away my identity, but I'm a 75-year-old superstar. It tickles you so much. I don't know. Share impressions. I know. Oh, my God. I do want to. Listen, it was one of our first emails from a guy, which starts with, yo, so I'm gay.

Work. It does. Yo, so I'm gay. That is, is he, though? Is that, like, the top of his resume? All right. It says, yo, so I'm gay. He's trying to, like, be a little straight, like a bro, maybe.

Okay. No, like, only bros say stuff like this. Yo, so I'm gay. That is very interesting. I'm also currently drunk on a bus to the airport, so this email should be fun. It's a mess. Is it Lindsay Lohan? Who just wrote that?

Save it. Save it for the game. I started a new job at a brewery in Canada. Best job ever. There's a bunch of dudes, the six foot five goddess of a man with the most beautiful butt. and me became super good friends. We drink together very often and he knows I'm gay and will crash at my house often.

Nothing weird about that. Then lately he started sleeping in my bed with me. All right, go on. I'm listening. I have a queen, so there's plenty of room for us. Okay. Not really. Girl, that's not a king-sized bed.

And what is he? Seven foot eight? What did he say? In New York, we're all out of your sleeping twin beds. Queen bed. He's in Colorado, though. They can afford kings. California kings.

I... Colorado King. Six-bedroom house. I love this story. Keep it going. Then one night we left the bar and he says, are we sleeping at my house or yours? Usually we just end up walking in one of our houses and not specifying.

I'm like getting the... Then he crawled into bed in just underwear at first and proceeds to cuddle me and say, why do you do this to me? I can't. Now we talk more often and go out with the guys all the time. I'm sure you do. But he still comes home with me, even if the most beautiful girl ever shows interest in him.

He still tells everyone he's straight and insists he's not gay. I don't know if this is weird, but I just need advice. I can't handle this. This is too much. It is too much. I can't. I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

Okay, listen, my question is, it sounds like I got in bed with him and he didn't make a move. I need you to get his number and for him to call the show and then I need to be here. Right. You know what we did with Ashley had the best idea. We did it. Where are they now? Is this weird?

We follow it up with everybody. We'll keep checking back in. You guys got to let me know what. But what do you, I mean, clearly. It sounds like he didn't make a move, though. Like the guy gets in bed with him. Well, because this guy is trying to say, he's like, all right, you know, I need to. I'm not, I'm not out yet.

No, no, no. This, the guy who's writing in is playing his cards right where he's playing coy. And like, this is fine. And so this quote unquote straight guy is feeling more comfortable to sort of like slowly explore what maybe he's interested. I'm not saying he's gay, but he could be somewhere on the spectrum of, you know, gray sexuality. And maybe he wants to try it out. So this guy's playing his cards right. The more coy he plays in it, it's fine.

You know what I mean? The more comfortable this guy. Oh, for sure. If he makes his move, because I'm assuming that this guy wants to hook up with him. So if he makes his move, then it's like, this may make no sense to you, but some listeners might get it. It's like catching a Pokemon in the safari zone. They're just fickle and you'll throw a rock. And for some reason, you can catch it.

Anyways, so he may run off. Right, right, right. So he's trying to get him to stay. So, but be warned. I warn thee. If you're dealing with a guy who's not out, don't get emotionally attached because this guy is giving you every sign

that he's not going to be able to commit to you. For sure, he's not even out. It's sexually fun to do what you're doing and to keep exploring that, but you're going to hurt yourself. So play this very carefully. Does he, do we say, does he like him? I'm assuming, yes, he's writing a lot of time together.

I mean, and he's, like, confused. This guy gets in bad with him. I like what you're saying where you're like, you don't spook the guy. You let him, like, come to turn. You don't. It's like a horse like... Or was that chair?

I said it. Like, nobody caught it when I said it. Really? I didn't hear you say spook. It's fine. You were talking loud. It's fine. Well, I was also screaming.

No. But is this a normal thing? Do you think? Does this happen? It's happened to me before. Okay. That's what I love that. And it happens to a lot of gay guys.

Yeah. I don't know. I think that there's a lot of, I think men's sexuality, not to like make it so, your dog is so mad at me right now. He's so spooked. I was like, please stop doing. You should get this faggot out of here. I just,

think that like there's a lot of straight guys out there. There's this, there's a weird pressure for men to behave a certain way and act a certain way. And there's a lot of men, I think, that are more bisexual on the spectrum and that they want to explore, but they don't feel that they have the freedom to do so. Well, I'm just like, what do you, if you were to look into the future, crystal ball this, what do you think's going to happen? I'm just curious. Like, is it, does this guy ever come? Is your dog going to eat me? He's hungry. Hungry? That's what he wants? Yeah, it's his inner time.

I feel like Sophia and the golden girls in that episode she thought the dog would eat her. What do you think is going to happen? Could this guy just, could you, could this guy marry a woman, have kids and be like that of the rest of his life? I just think it's so obvious that he's gay, right? I don't know that it's obvious. I mean, I've hooked up with girls before.

I'm not gay. I just was curious about like what it would be like to be with girls. I don't identify with being gay or a struggle of being homosexual. But I think women have less of a... Women and men are a little different. Different. And it shouldn't be, but I'm saying society-wise, it sucks because like for men like if you suck one dick everyone's like you're gay which is not

necessarily the truth but absolutely what people think of course yeah and it's not fair women are also just they're more i don't know just i know more women that would admit to have hooking up with a woman yeah women don't have the same barriers to the sexuality in other words americans don't give a shit about women's sexuality in the same way they do men's not what i mean by that is that we're so fragile about men's masculinity if a woman hooks up with a woman it's either hot or that's fine or it's a woman or it's a phase or we have so many different reasons to accept it with a man with a man it's like you know so this guy probably gives that pressure he's probably attracted on some level to the guy who's writing in and wants to explore and i say go for it doesn't mean

you have to marry him or or be gay or whatever just means you know i don't even believe in labels really that much so it's like just whatever if you're interested in it it's to be it feels like a safe place do it i like this answer just like zero expectations with this guy and like just see what happens. I think that's great. Yeah. Well, I think this guy, the guy writing in clearly likes him,

but he's got to watch himself because that will be, that's tricky. I mean, not everybody wants to be a position where like you are the pied piper of coming out of the closet. Like you don't necessarily want to be the person's first entree into this

because it's a lot of emotional stuff to take on. Okay, well, we're gonna, do we have a name for this? How do you, what is the game? We're just,

we're going to, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to hit him with the game so much. I do. I do. I know it'll be good. celebrity and he's going to give us like the breakdown.

Actually, you should evaluate them as Barbara on Shark Tank. I would love to. I would love to do it because I'm smart. All right. Let's start with, I just am so intrigued by some of these celebrities that have fallen from grace. Like, I would just love to hear your take.

Of course. We'll start with Lindsay. Okay, because you saw Lindsay last night. Oh my God. Yeah, I went to the premiere of her beach house. Okay. Lindsay Lohan, whose voice sounds like beef jerky. You know, I feel bad for her because, you know, I love that she, I said this in my Netflix special,

but she really wants to be the live Little Mermaid, which is so funny to me, because can you imagine, like, like, I didn't know that mermaids could smoke underwater. Also, by the time she gets to Ursula, like, when they-Rosal's going to be like, you can keep the voice. So you're saying, like, when they do with Little Mermaid, like, they're doing with Lion King, like, she wants to be the Beyonce, like, she wants to be the little mermaid. Right. Except she's on, like, MDMA and, like, she's just really, really fucked. I feel bad.

First of all, she's a gay icon, but being a gay icon is not always mean a good thing. She's just in this weird position of like, she never rose like the Phoenix we always wanted. She just kind of scurried away to the side like a crab and she's evolved into something weird. And she was like, leave Lindsay alone. No, she was chasing down Syrian family refugees. She was saying horrible things about the Me Too movement. She defended Harvey Weinstein. She is crazy.

Wait, what was the one? Someone died recently and she said, get well soon. It was John McCain. Yes. RIP, John McCain. Feel better soon. Feel better soon. Thanks, Lindsay.

That is my favorite. That's kind of the best. One. So now she's like, owns this like Mekanos, you know, bar or whatever, this nightclub. And it just all looks like a drug front. And so she's like, and the commercial is ridiculous too, because it, she contradicts itself within seconds. She's like, you know, her, her voice.

is about down here. You know what? The camera's always on me, so I'm turning the cameras around. So I only hire the best, and I only work with the best. Seconds later, they show the entire staff drunk, making out with each other, showing up to work late. And she was like, well, there you go. Within 30 seconds, we saw you think you're doing the best, and your staff sucks.

Doing the least. Her mother, Dina, who dresses like a manager of Clare's, literally was given a black car from Carvel, the ice cream, and they took it away from that exists? They took, uh-huh, they took it away from-huh. What do you have to do? How low do you have to sink to get the black card from Carvel? Yeah, and they're like, here you go, Miss Lohan. Weeks, they're like, we're going to need that back.

Like, how many, how many cakes did you order to get that taken away? We both have worked with Carvel, so I'm a little like, why didn't I get a black card? I'm telling you. I went to the Carbell headquarters where at any time you can get up and go into the kitchen and eat ice cream all day every day, and they didn't give me a black card. And they have a big poster of Dean alone with an ex through it and they're like not allowed on the site.

It's on the front door. All right. So, Brittany. Brittany is just, look. Do you consider Britney a gay icon? Obviously, okay. Do you live and breathe? How dare you?

I'm sorry. Are you a Britney fan? I am a Britney fan in the way that like most. She has talent. She has talent though. Oops. Is she choking on a dick or is she singing? Did you see her?

Are you an Instagram, Brittany follower? Of course. Did you see her sing the Christmas Carol in a filter and couldn't hit the notes in the filter? It was so insane. She's just, here's the thing with Brittany, my weekend at Bernie's in Vegas. It's like, I think my aunt Cindy put it best. My aunt Cindy went to go see her show. And then I said, how's the Britney show going?

And she goes, I swear to you, she's chewing gum while singing. Of course she is. So I was like, I'm like, okay. Kardashian sex tape chewing gum the whole time. But you know what? Here's my thing with Brittany. I love her because it's like she is a gay icon in the sense that like she, I mean, 2007 Britney is iconic in so many ways.

And she was just so, I mean, those were the times. But look, she's still, she's doing something in Vegas and she's dancing. She looks great. And she seems happy. She's, and her kids have been 13 forever. You know, I mean, so let her find. Well, and I just want to, like I said this earlier before we start recording, but we had Heather McMahon on the show. She's a hilarious comedian actress, but she does Brittany 911 and someone wrote to her and they put it perfectly.

They were like, she's been pushed into this by the people that make money off of her and she just wants to live in a split level house with an above ground pool and be a cheerleading coach. And I was like, she is so like above ground pool in the suburbs cheerleading coach. Like that is her vibe to me. I think she loves to be a mom. She wants to walk through Walmart. She's stuck in the early 2000. I think she's probably a great mom. But I think she's like, I don't want to live this life.

Like, I just want to live in 2007. She still dresses like it. She totally stopped, like, fashioning in 2007, probably. Same haircut since then, too. Guys, the gayes would call it iconic. Okay. I think with Brittany, I think, look, she's likable. She's not hurting anybody.

Exactly. We know what we're getting into when we go see a Britney live. concert is very different than Miss Aguilera. You know what I mean? Okay, your feelings on her are very interesting to me. That's literally her in every song. Do you need water? Do you need a pop singer?

I don't know. I don't know. Like, how do you even breathe through that? I don't know. That's every song. That's her singing the alphabet. That's just starting with A. B! I mean, it's like, she is just...

She's the Brittany counterpart. Well, she is a B, apparently. I don't know. Christina is just, look, she's super talented. She's beautiful. she just is a little unlikable. Why don't you like her? I do like her, but I just wish that she,

you know, even when she was on the voice, she would do things that pissed me off, right? Like she would be on the voice and someone would be like, and then Christina would be like, you know, I really liked what you were doing, like your dips, like, ah, but I really want to hear. That's the note that I wanted to hear. She would bring it back to her.

You just hit. She's out there auditioning for her own show while she's on the show. hit like an E flat like that's just like that's whatever we're supposed to do we're all supposed to have some sort of whistle register you are so right like she would bring it back to her always brings it right back to Kistina okay Mariah

look I that is my diva and it's been a troublesome relationship it's been a road it's been right so I've seen her live seven times oh my god I only felt something once and it was right after she had that debacle at the, where she's saying all I want for Christmas is you, and it sounded like shit.

But right afterwards, that was the only time I actually heard her sing live and sing well. She seemed like she was like emotionally broken down, but she was using her singing to like power through. It was the one time I was like, wow, Mariah, I can see what made her famous. But she, I think,

she made some strange choices with Stella, that manager and fashion choices and it seemed like there was maybe drugs happening. Right now she's in a good place. She looks good. She looks good. She sounds good. Her album caution was fabulous.

But, you know, I just, I know everything about her. I follow every Instagram about Mariah Carey. You have all of her baseball cards. All of them. Yeah. Every single one of them. And you said you didn't like sports. And yeah.

But you know, Mariah's iconic. She writes all of her own music. I really take it like, if this was two years ago, it would have been joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. But now I'm like, all right, I've turned. I just met her two months ago in an elevator. Which is nice? Well, she was very nice. She was lit?

Yeah. She was lit and we weren't. Me, Mariah, listen, Mariah, you cannot deny that she's talented. With Brittany, I'm like, she couldn't sing. Like, she had some great dancing moments, but like, of course, Mariah Carey was really the voice. I mean, besides Whitney was like the performer. Whitney was the voice. Whitney was the voice, yeah.

I mean, the usually. But now we have Ariana. The diction of a fog machine. I think, um, I like Ariana Grande, but every song is, so, ah, that's every song. She will do a G5 in every song. Saga-down! We love her, okay?

I love her. Wait, I want to ask you a question. I want to throw a curveball in here of somebody who's actually relatively, I think, well-adjusted. Work. J-Lo. Please. Here's a say about J-Lo. And Mariah and her do not like each other.

J-Lo does age. She looks. She doesn't drink. She doesn't drink. That's what happens. I don't drink. And why do I look like a deli worker who can smuggle children with the bags under my eyes, okay? But J-Lo is, look.

she's a hard worker and you got to she's her her talent is her hustle the same way madonna's talent is her hustle look madonna and jalo are jalo is a great dancer but she's not the best dancer she's really not a great singer okay let's just say it like it is she's fine she can carry a tune put her up to winnie hughesden her out of here great performer better performer than brittany well well not back in the day brittany back in the day was better than now did you remember her living color do you ever watch her yeah she was a fly girl yeah no i mean i i you're exactly right, but also let's not forget she was in the movies. Like, she hustled. She did it all. She has enough talent, but her real talent is hustling. And she's smart. She surrounds herself

with smart people. She knows what people want. So I think she's, she's an empire and she understands that she's an empire. She's very smart. She understands what she is and she's not, no bones about it. You know what I mean? So when she does like a panel on American Idol, where she does her, I don't look at her and think, oh, really, you're below that. Like, Mariah, when she did the panel American, I thought, you are one of the world's greatest vocalists. Do not put yourself here. You know, that was disappointing.

A lot of the stuff, the reality show, like, if Jalo doesn't, I'm like, look, this bitch knows what she's doing. It's just, I mean, whatever, sometimes it boils down to substance and you're like, Jalo, she's, like, she's, like, you have confidence, she doesn't drink. Like, you have confidence, she's going to pull it off. Like, the other ones are little touch and go. She wasn't a child star, though. Look at all these people.

There were child stars that never developed social skills. It's actually so accurate. Like, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, you're totally right, Lera. Like, you cannot expect any of these people to be fucking normal when you threw them on TV at five years old. The difference between someone like J-Lo and Mariah Carey is, for sure, Mariah Carey has a complete, you know, like J-Lo is hustle, Hustle. J-Lo will never, ever, ever, ever, ever know what it's like to change the world with just her vocal cords. For sure.

Which is a huge different pressure that Mariah Carey has. So Mariah Carey's hustle wasn't the acting it is. You know, it was just like, I just have to have the voice. Once the voice doesn't do what you expect it to do, I can't imagine. It's devastating. If Whitney used to never did drugs or smoke, she would sound the exact same today.

The voice obviously matures, but she had such great technique. Patty the bell still sounds amazing. Patty the bell is still singing into the stratosphere. I mean, every song starts at, yeah! I mean, it's up in the stratosphere. So, you know, Mariah Carey, she sounds good. She's working at it, dot, dot, dot.

but the voice, she doesn't have the command over the voice the way she used to. All right. I like this new segment. I think that you might be the only person we ever do it with because you're so good at it. It's like someone else might not have the interest. And we, what I like about this podcast is we don't ever really touch on like pop culture. It's like there's plenty of shit that does that. You can watch E all day long, you know, so we don't really ever need to do it.

So it's fun. I know our listeners are probably interested. So, um, I think it's great. Your impressions are so spot. Oh, thank you so much. But I want to. By you. Are you? I just have to ask.

Eddie Bids about Charter. We did like the fall from gray stars, but like, are you a Beyonce fan? She doesn't. Beyonce is amazing. Okay. Just checking. Yeah. All right.

We try to make sure you're one of us. Well, it's kind of hard to not like Beyonce. I mean, I think people who go after her, like, pick on things that are like. What are you said? You can't pick on her life, her personal life. Like private life. And there's not. Look, she's an entertainer.

She's entertaining you. Isn't she? She's producing good music. She looks great. She dances great. she's an icon you know fuck off right she's the

I mean she's not the most drama you hear like Bob the drag queen is a joke like the most trauma she was ever involved in was literally happening around her she wasn't even doing the drama so I say about Barack Obama all the time point one scandal out to me in eight years

Barack Obama don't get political Raina people come for sometimes they're like don't get political I'm like the more you tell us not to I'm just giving a fact I know people hear Obama I'm gay Mexican they want to build to double all around me. People hear Obama and they're triggered.

You're just alone and it's like, you're glassed in and there's also steel around you. To wrap up, I want to know where people can find you. Yeah, plug all your stuff in whatever voice you want. You do a podcast with Emma Wilman who was on our show, who we love so much. But anyways, you talk out where people can find you, Instagram, your shows, etc. I'm on Instagram at Mateo, L-A-N-E. If you don't like naked pictures of men or drawings of Storm from the X-Men, don't follow. If you like those things...

Forget better taste. Follow. I know. I'm trying to... I'm trying to build that up. It's such a stupid thing to say. I'm going to be in... I don't know where I'm going to be. Oh, February 5th in New York City, I'm doing my Barbara Streisand show here at Joe's Pub. Stop. Where I recreate her show from the Bonsoir in 1962.

Oh, my gosh. I sing her music. Just as me. I don't dress up like her, but I sing her music with Henry Kuperski, and it's like a comedy singing. show. It's like a whole thing. Okay, we have to go to that. What's your podcast called with Emma? Inside the closet. With Emma Willemann, we do it once a week, comes out every Thursday. I don't know why I picked that day. We were yelled at the like, you shouldn't have picked Thursday. We're like, well, we didn't know.

But it's really, really fun. And we just sit and chat and gab and talk about relationships and our relationships. And it's really great. Okay. And then mostly, are you, if just our New York listeners just want to see you, are you mostly at the comedy seller? Yeah, when I'm in New York, I'm always performing at the comedy seller. Okay. So you can go to the comedy sellar.com and look at their lineup.

Always a great lineup. Guys, thanks for having me. Yeah, thank you for coming. So great. And as always, you guys can find us at Girls' Got to You podcast on Instagram. You can find me and Ashley on Instagram as well. It's Ash Hess, Double H in the middle there or One Hungry 2. Give us both a follow.

As we mentioned in the beginning, the tickets for our second JFL show are out so you guys can check that out. That's it. We're on Twitter too. We're on Twitter. We're on Ashley. We're verified on Twitter. And make sure you come to see my Vegas show. I'm doing.

Half breed. Half breed. Do you better. Guys, have a good week. Have a great week. I'm out.