Girls Gotta Eat - Inside the Male Mind feat. Men's Coach Connor Beaton

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

This episode is an instant fave -- we have men's coach and founder of ManTalks Connor Beaton join us to explore the male psyche and explain everything from why men won't commit to why they send unsolicited dick pics. We dive into those burning questions: Can you change a man?, Can you trick a man into being with you?, Why is he into filthy porn but will only do me missionary?, Why do they sit on the toilet for so long?, and more. We hope you find this conversation as impactful as we did! Follow Connor on Instagram @ManTalks and check out his website for more. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg, and Ashley @AshHess. Check our website for tour dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Daily Harvest: Get $25 off your first box at dailyharvest.com with code GGE. Rothy's: Go to rothys.com and use promo code GGE for free shipping. The Real Real: Sign up, receive $25 off your first purchase w/in 1 week, then 20% off select items at therealreal.com, promo code REAL. Ritual: Visit ritual.com/gge to start your ritual today. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I want to know why guys can't multitask in life but can date five women at once. Because sex. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. It's cold out. It's me and my Lisp coming to you from a very cold day in New York City. I'm just, I want to just start doing like an actual Lisp. Like Andrew Collin was.

It's 37 degrees. It's not a laughing matter. But I don't know a fucking list. Anyways. No, a speech therapist said you didn't. A speech therapist said you didn't have a list. She texted. She said it was because you're a retainer what I was like I call bullshit. Well, Ashley says that I had it before my new teeth. We're going to keep the intro short. We have an amazing episode. You guys today. This one top top one. No, we already did the interview with this man. And we just were sitting there and all the whole time. We can't wait for you guys to hear. We know you're going to love it so much. So it's long and it's worth every second. Yeah. Connor Beaton, he's phenomenal.

You guys learn more about him. But Ashley and I strive really hard to cover topics that you guys like, but also have guests that have hot takes on those topics. So we don't want to just talk about why guys goes to you. It's like that's not interesting. But like if you have an interesting take and you can provide something, I think that that's like the best guests that we have. So get ready, strap in.

We're going to keep this short because we got you guys all juiced up for it. Hot takes, hot man. Jesus Christ. He walked in. I was like, how is this going to go? I was like, can I sit next day? I'm on a couch. This is crazy.

His wife is like, fuck you girls. Right. His wife is Vienna Feren. He was on our show a few weeks ago. Sorry, Vienna. We love you too. I'm obsessed with your husband. You've done a great job.

Yeah, great job, girl. He married. Doing amazing, sweetie. All right. Just a quick note on West Coast tour dates. We know we've been promising you guys. We will absolutely have those links out by next week. Yes.

Also, happy MLK Day if you're listening. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of you guys are probably off for work. So we wanted to not announce a bunch of tour dates when people are kind of off their schedule. So we promise in a week we're just getting everything right. There's been a lot of back and forth. So we promise it's coming.

But if you're off today, enjoy your day off. Listen to this episode twice. Why not? Listen to the bonus episode if you haven't already. Yep. Go back, watch some stuff on Netflix we recommended. Yeah. Enjoy your day.

Also, more Netflix recommendations coming next week. We've got to keep this short. But I did want to say that if you guys didn't listen to the bonus episode or you missed it somehow. we put out a bonus episode last Thursday. And I just loved it so much. It was our full friendship story, how we started the podcast, all that.

So if you somehow missed it on your podcast apps, it's there. It's called how GGE came to be. Yeah. And we told that story on some different stuff and interviews and stuff, but I thought it was some new information also and some good stuff about how to just start a business in general.

Yeah. Do you want to talk about the D.C. shows? Yeah. DC was great. They are truly one of our favorite crowds. We love D.C. so much. The people that come to the shows and listen to the podcast,

they are smart, and they're just fun. And we had a great time. We did the Lincoln Theater. Made a lot of founding fathers, aka founding daddy's jokes. They loved it. It was beautiful.

It was like 65 degrees. I took a run to the Washington Monument, had some good food. We went shopping. Had a great time. I wish we were going to stay longer. I love it. I was saying, Ashley,

before we recorded, I usually have like a favorite night when we go to a city and I loved both nights. And everybody was on time, well-behaved, drunk, but not crazy. Yeah.

It was a great crowd. Ashley hired these dancers to open the show that we're fine. When I say, I pay them with her, but she actually hires them. I just find them. I dig deep on the internet. Ava dance company. They're incredible. They are located. The studio is located in Alexandria. So if you guys live in D.C., you can take classes there. It's named Leah. And she so couldn't be nicer. So I feel like if you were to take classes there, it wouldn't be an intimidating situation. So if you're into wanting to get involved in dance or you already dance or you want to start Ava dance company. Yeah. And you want to talk about how you felt about the shows you had some special guest. We had second impression Bobby, night one. He's so hot. You guys have matching teeth. That's why you love him.

I know. He texted me. I was like, you remember when I touched your butt last night? I was like, yeah, you were drunk. I was sober. And every time he touches me, I remember it. And my ex, my DCX came to the show too. He was a great sport. I roasted him so hard. It was, I read our text messages on stage in front of him. He was a great sport. And honestly, like, it's one of the weirdest relationships I've ever. ever had with anybody. Like, it's the weirdest relationship I've ever heard of in my life. We're like best friends.

It's so weird. Yeah, he really, I could see him the whole night. I was like, is he going to be upset? I was like, he just sat there and took it. I was so hard. And he did get up and walk out. And I was like, fuck, I crossed a line. But he just was getting a drink.

He needed another drink. So blacked out. After that. I don't even know if he remembers what happened, truly. He was pretty drunk. Yeah. His hair looked great. He's so hot.

So that show was great. Thank you guys if you came out. And we're excited to see you in all these new cities coming up. I feel like I'm proud of you. You've been able to run through all the cities that we still have tickets in. Oh. We still have tickets left in L.A. Coming close, limited tickets left in L.A.

And tickets left in Houston and Dallas, Tampa, Night 2, Orlando, Miami, and Australia. So we have the two shows in Sydney. One is close to selling out. One still has tickets. tickets left in Melbourne. So get those tickets, you guys. It's coming soon, the Australia shows. So we want you guys to snatch those up before they're gone.

You do a great job. Thanks. You missed one. What'd you miss? Fuck. It's your most favorite one besides Australia. God damn it. Philly Night 2.

Why isn't Philly sold out? In my head, it's almost sold out. We have a couple hundred left. Yeah, sorry. The most important one. No. And actually, spoiler alert, Matt Hustline is coming to night too. He is?

Yeah, I think he's going to. It's just going to be easier for him and all his friends. So we have Saturday night, maybe he'll come to both. Whatever. I don't want to upset you guys. Saturday and Sunday night in Philly at the Fillmore, April, what, 18th and 19th? Yeah, the 18th of the 19th.

So tickets still left for the 19th. Yep. And then last thing about our live shows, because I literally don't care at all. Do you see that girl still listens? She probably hates me someone. She hate listens. I don't mind.

I don't mind a hate listen. I mean, you have to know that email was crazy. You wrote that it's a crazy. email said to talk about it. Let's make that the name of the new, the new stupid live shows is that I literally don't care shows. Just keep it short. I literally don't care about your lives. Last night we had an amazing charity show. If you guys came out, we did a benefit for Australia. We raised almost $20,000 and everybody that was involved was so phenomenal. We sold out the first show immediately. The second show went on sales, sold out immediately. So Chelsea Music Hall was great. They donated the venue. And then we had all former comedians from our show. also donate their time. Nobody got paid for this. Mike Cannon, Mike Feeney, Francis, Jared, Nikki Glazer, Casey Balsham.

Who did I miss? Ashley Hustodine, Raina Greenberg. We were at the show as well. Is that it? Nikki Casey, Francis, Jared, Mike, Mike. Damn. Oh, Andrew Collin. And Andrew Collin.

Yeah. He snuck in last minute. Yeah. And Jared, so many who are nice enough to stay for both shows. Yeah. If you guys came, thank you so much. And all those people have amazing specials out. so of course, like continue to go see their comedy.

Yeah, they really do. Check out their specials. My Canon has a special coming out. This month. This month, which is really, he's unbelievably funny. So check it out. Yeah, we raised a little over $17,000 for the World Wildlife Federation, Australia, which their efforts are going towards koala conservation.

And I made, I mean, I made this joke at the benefit, but I am just so obsessed with koalas. And obviously we chose that cause because of my love for koalas, this animal that I've never met. and it's like I'm so thirsty for these koalas. And I'm like, save the koalas. Oh my God, the koalas. And the koalas are like, we don't know her.

They're like, who is this woman? Just for lack. Colas are fuck boys? Like, I'm going to get over there and they're going to be like, you are too thirsty for us. You can't even hold us. Why is she even here? All I do is to talk about something I've never even experienced.

We have to save them. They're like, we don't know you. What if we went to Australia and you realize you don't like koalas? People try to tell me like, they'll scratch you or they're not nice. Do they have chlamia? Like whatever. I've seen so many photos of people holding koalas, Obama for one. And they're fine.

They're going to be fine. They're sleepy. They're drunk on eucalyptus. It's going to be amazing. They're like me. It's my vibe. But yeah, the fires are still going. It's still an issue.

So we were so happy to choose a cause and raise money for Australia. And, you know, largely in part because we're going there and we're touring there. And we wanted to get back. So it was an incredible night. Yeah. Oh, and I had my first solo standout set last night. You did. And Ashley was so.

nice and she brought me up. She got like the whole crowd to stand up and scream and cheer. And it was really, really fun. So if you guys came out, thank you. And we always want to continue to have a charitable component to our business and give back. And you guys are so phenomenal too. And we know so many people in New York especially came to our show a few weeks ago and came to another one. So thank you guys for always just being a part of this amazing community. We love you guys. All right. Well, let's just wrap it up because I can't wait. You guys should be excited too. So, uh, right. All right, guys. We have a very

special guest in the house studio with us today. He's going to man explain some stuff to us. He is, no, you can't laugh yet. It's not, it's not your truth, Connor. Nope, be quiet. He is the founder of Mantox. He is a motivational speaker. He's a business coach. He's a lifestyle entrepreneur. He's actually the husband of Vienna Farron, who was a phenomenal guest on our show

just a couple weeks ago. Welcome to the house studio with us and Dewey, Connor Beaton. Thank you so much for me. This is, this is great already. Connor O'beaten. Connor O'beaten. That's right. We're going to talk in the Scottish accent. Oh, there it is. He does voices and everything. Guys, he does it all. There you go. We're off to a good start. We have an accent. He's tall. How tall? How tall are you? 6-1? 6-2, somewhere in there?

Excellent job. 6-2. 6-1.5. All right. That's fair. I'm a height-guesser. Did you guess 6-2? Actually, now, yeah, I think 6-1 is accurate, but maybe a 6-1 and a half. You walked in, you had a little, you have a little bit of a heel on your boot. I had boots on, you know, it's winter. Yeah, you took the boots off and were like, ooh. Yeah, you really got comfortable quickly. You took your shoes off.

I did. I'm like sitting on your couch. Like I literally made myself at home. You didn't ask me to, but I just did. When a guy can sit cross-legged, I'm like the flexibility. Do you do yoga? I did for a very long time. I still do in like my morning routine.

Some guys can't even attempt that. Yeah, no. You know, there's like full legs up. A jeans. Yeah. Did you see me on that Instagram video the other day at the ball? I was in stretch pants, but I can touch my foot to the back of my head. Yeah, I didn't ever so flexible.

Yeah, I'm very flexible and never worked out a day in my life. Thank you very much. Just sex. Those are, I mean, that comes in handy. Then, you know. I don't know that anybody wants me to do that during sacks. I was with this guy and he was like, holy shit. I was like, you don't want this in bed.

It's called an arabesque, what you did. You know, there's worse. I was a cheerleader and I would do that in my tryouts. It's the only move I got. I was a cheerleader. I don't know how to do anything. Anyway, back to Conoroughby. We're here to talk about men's behavior with you, and our audience was so phenomenal.

They submitted so many questions. But we always like to ask people, what gives you the right? You couldn't even say it with a straight face. So good. What gives you. I know, right? I want you to work on people. Just dead pants.

Yeah, just deadpan. Yeah. Like Mary Beth Barone, she's a comedian that came on our show. There's just no inflection in our voice. It's so great. What gives you the right? So serious. Like, okay, so what gives you the right to speak?

for all men and give women advice about men. Oh, man. Well, first off, I don't know if I speak for all men. I'm going to speak as a man. That's fair. About men, because I never want to make the, like, the universal assumption, but the qualification part. So I'm not a licensed therapist. I, you know, I have a music degree. Fun fact, I have a music degree in opera performance. He's Canadian in case all you guys were like, what are he doing? just say. He's like, I'm actually not a therapist. I'm a musician and my sound cloud as he like drops his mix tape off.

This whole thing was just like a ploy to get his music career off the ground. Vienna's like, you guys shut my husband. He's a therapist. Yeah, yeah, lies. All lies. He comes in with the sound cloud. All right. So after, after music, I apprenticed with a mentor of mine for about two and a half years.

and he had studied with Carl Jung, who was one of the most prominent psychologists ever, especially within the last 150 years. And Carl Jung is the one that's responsible for creating the concepts of the unconscious mind, the collective unconscious, the shadow, how we work with archetypes. And so I apprenticed with him for about two and a half years and spent every day just kind of like learning about the psyche and how we operate, why we sabotage, what creates our desires, you know, what creates really strong intimacy within relationships, and why people do the things that they do. And you have your own show where you've interviewed, I couldn't believe your website,

how many people you'd interviewed, and how impressive it was. Yes, I have, so the Man Talks podcast, and I've basically interviewed people from all walks of life, men, women, and everything from, you know, therapists, to psychologists, to astrophysicists and cosmologists and entrepreneurs, etc., all in the quest of understanding and becoming more aware of who we are and why we do the things that we do. That sounds like when men need to listen to across the board.

Ladies, get your boyfriend's, friends, dads on this. If they have a penis, you know. Yeah, and I do these little mini segments where I teach certain things. So like the mini episode that is coming out tomorrow is why men pay for sex and is it okay. So it's all about why men basically like by prostitutes. Right.

And where that actually comes from and what they're trying to fill. Yeah. Well, at the end of the episode, we'll have you give your website and your Instagram. We'll list it on the show notes also. I thought you're going to say at the end of episode, we're going to talk about that, which we can. I would like to know. But we'll talk about other stuff first. So you were like generous and to talk about anything.

We're going to talk about commitment issues and strong women. And if men want them and maybe some porn. I think we started off with that with the legs behind the head. Yeah. Yeah. You set the bar. I just like to talk about my good qualities. We're going to have to see the most where I'm a flexible off in here.

I feel like we're going to lose like immediately. We like you guys are like you guys are the team. I don't know. You know I can high kick. Ashley can like, yeah, she's very flexible. Yeah. My mom's more flexible. I don't know what we're talking about.

I get it for my mom. If you really want to see something sexy, my mom. She can fold in two. I took a yoga class with her. She's just folded in two. What is that mean? Like just, I mean, like, whether she's standing or sitting on the ground, her head, her forehead touched the ground.

I was folded in half. I was like, mom? We really got off topic here. Yeah, sorry, guys. We'll bring it back. Anyways, Mark, why? I don't you, Mark. Okay, I'm really out of here.

You could remember his name before and now you got it. So my best friend, Mark. Just take it out. Mark's also rain his neighbor that she fox. We'll cut that. I'm trying to. forget about that, though. Oh, this is great.

Also a foreigner. I don't know what we're talking about. I got trapped in an elevator with him yesterday. It's fine. So I thought the first, we thought the first bucket that we would jump into is like about commitment issues. Sure. Like overwhelmingly women, I think, are just like why can't men commit or why do they like

to live in this gray area for as long as possible? And we joke that like the answer is that like they don't want to settle down or they just don't like you that much. But there's obviously more than that. Deeper. And then also, I mean, there's another part too. I don't want to throw too much at you, but we got a ton, thanks to our amazing listeners. But why do you guys go so hard at the beginning and then pull back?

Or, you know, why do they confess their love and then pull back? I mean, I had that happen to me. Like, you know, we've all had it happen to it where it's like they go all in and then they immediately pull it back. I don't know. But that may be it. We can maybe talk about that next. Well, why don't we start there? Why don't we start with that one?

Yeah. Because I think that that's actually a very common thing that I, um, that I, I have a lot of women actually DM me about that, about commitment and about like why, you know, I've been dating this guy for four or five months or three months and he's been like super hot texting me every single day. And I've been, you know, super in communication. All of a sudden he's like pulling back and he's pulling away from me. Like, did I do something wrong or something wrong with me, the relationship?

Unless there's something wrong with you, Karen. Like you need to look inside. Men are always right and you're wrong. Yeah. You were acting that you should look better naked, Karen. acting like a needy crazy bitch. Go to the gym. Damn it, Karen.

You need more Botox. Have you heard of lip fillers? Have you gotten your lips done? Get veneers. There's so much more you could do. Is Karen like your inner critic right now? I don't know. Karen's just like the internet meme name.

Yeah. You should come up with them. It's like Karen from accounting or something. Yeah. But I think women in general are like, you know, I met this guy and he was like, date me, date me, date me. And then I leaned in and they were like, nope, don't know what made you think we were dating. You know, so I think that's a great place to start.

Yeah, so a lot of men like to play in this area of if I didn't give my word to it, then I don't have to follow through on it. Right. So if I didn't say that we're in a relationship, then I don't have to act like we're in a relationship. And I kind of have, it's like I haven't signed the contract, right? I've moved into the house. I'm eating the food in the fridge, but I haven't signed the contract that says that I'm living in the home.

And men for a lot of us, because we are, we, we, we were sort of grown up and taught that we need to have respect and that we need to live with honor and that, you know, our actions need to be honorable. We have this sort of code of conduct that we are trying to live by. And a lot of us want to reject that code of conduct because it sort of infringes in on this sense that we can have freedom in our life. And so we will find ways to reject that code of conduct. And sometimes that means not actually saying that, hey, yeah, I want to date you.

I want to be in a relationship with you and seeing how long we can actually get out of that. Now the hot and heavy and then pulling away is a little bit of a different thing. For a lot of guys, you know, we sort of talked about mommy issues a little bit before. For a lot of guys who didn't get that type of attention, whether it was physical intimacy or emotional intimacy, some form of like validation or appreciation from their mom, they will actively seek it from women. And so what they'll do, and this is often unconscious, they'll often start this relationship. They'll go super hot and heavy. They'll get a shit ton of validation, a whole bunch of verbal appreciation and emotional validation,

sexual validation, and it'll feel really, really good. And eventually that dopamine high that they're riding on will start to sort of taper off. And real relational problems or challenges or conflicts will start to come in. And that's immediately where they'll start to back away because it's like, I don't know if I want to handle this. It's not so like rainbows and sunshine. And all of a sudden that this sort of like mechanism goes off in their brain that's like, oh shit, I've gotten myself into a relationship.

And how do I get myself out of this? So the conflict is like that the person on the other end starts to like expect something from you. I want to know what your plans are all day on a Saturday. Or, you know, I want to meet your friends. And it's like, oh, God, I've gotten into boyfriend territory. And it's like they'll take as much from you as you're willing to give. But the minute you say I want something. back, it's, they sort of feel like their freedom is impeded upon. That's a part of it. The other part is

that like, look, we live in the age of, especially here in New York and in, you know, big metropolis. Like, we live in this age where you have choice of, it's so much choice. You have so much choice. If you're on Tinder or your own Bumble or you're on whatever dating app that you're on, there is, there's just a plethora of choice. And so for a lot of guys, it's like there's this sense of freedom in being able to choose whatever you want, right? And to be able to swipe through. through and like there's this hunt and there's this game that that they sort of feel like they're a part of and they they kind of like getting good at the hunt, getting good at the game. And so for a lot of guys, it's like, oh, I have so much choice. And once conflict starts to come up in the relationship or

they have responsibilities in the relationship, then it's like, oh, maybe I don't need to be in this relationship because there's so much out there. It's called a choice paradox. It's a real like human behavior or thing where the more choice that we have, the harder is to choose, right? Like when you go into TGI Fridays, the menu is like a freaking almanac, right? And you're trying to choose through this giant menu and you don't know which one to actually choose. You don't know what meal you actually want to have. And so the same thing shows up in our dating. It's like if you're talking to 20 different guys or 20 different women at the same time and you're trying to choose between them, it's very challenging to do that because as soon as conflict comes up with one,

you can just move on to the other one. So I think I want to dive more into even like the earlier part of that with the freedom stuff. Let's take aside the like hot and heavy at the beginning because I feel like we just really answer that perfectly. But the whole overarching why won't they commit is like it's a freedom thing, right? Do you feel like, okay. So I just want to like talk a little bit more about it. Yeah, me too. And then we'll like cap it off with like what are the actionable?

Like how can you change these things? Yeah. So for a lot of men, there is a natural instinct to have. freedom. And that is, you know, genetically emotionally, it's structurally in like the culture that a lot of men grow up in is that we are valued as performance-based objects, but we're also valued in our ability to find freedom in the world. And so depending on where a man is at in his life, if he's like in his early 20s, he's probably really thrill-seeking. He's looking for opportunities to adventure, to explore. He's trying to figure out like who he is and what he wants from the world, what he

wants to bring to the world. And if he doesn't have answers to those questions, any type of commitment will be seen as a form of infringement on his freedom. And like a man's number one aim is often freedom. He wants freedom to express himself. He wants freedom to explore. He wants freedom in a monetary sense to be able to buy whatever he wants. He wants freedom to explore sexually. And so that drive for freedom is a huge piece for a lot of men. And what can happen is that they get into a relationship and a couple months goes by and all of a sudden, like you were talking about before,

their partners like asking them about what they're doing on a Saturday. And this thing goes off inside of them. There's like light switch goes off inside of them. It's like, oh shit, you're infringing in my ability to just do whatever the hell I want. And now you need something from me. And now I have to be accountable and responsible to you.

and the boy in them will, or the sort of like young adult, the young man in them, will want to reject that, we'll want to buck against it. It will not want to sort of feel like it is being caged in any way. And so part of the work that men have to do, and here's the challenge, is that there are things that women can do within the context of their relationship. But part of the work that men have to do is that they have to figure out how they can find freedom within the context of a relationship and not see it as something that is a cage for them,

but to see it as something that is a vehicle of growth for them, something that they can still explore the world in, something that they can still explore themselves in, whether that's their sexuality, whether that's their ability to earn money or find a purpose or build a business, but something that coincides with who they think they are capable of becoming later on in their life.

Okay, I was like dying to ask this. Does this kind of play into this whole men need to think that things are their idea way? Like, is that a way that I want to just speak about how women can work with this and not make a man feel like he's losing his freedom and things like that? And one thing that you said that earlier that made me think of a past relationship I was in where you were like even the smallest things of trying to get a man to eat healthier, to work out more, to do things that are going to benefit his whole life. He feels like that's taken away his freedom in some way. and I noticed with the past relationship of mine, it was like, if I were wanting him to do these things that I felt like were beneficial, I don't feel like I was naggy. And I just was like, I saw that when he would do them, he would be better and feel better and be happier. But it was like it had to be on his terms in a way.

Like I feel like when it was, it came from me, it was, it felt different to him. And I think that's with anything, we hear that across the board, like men that we've had on women that we've had on professionals of just like, you got to not trick them. You can't say that. You're a, you know, but like almost how can you get them to do these things and make them think that's their idea? I mean, we hear that even with, like, guys putting a label on a relationship of you can't force them into these things, but you can take the right steps to bring them to a point where they come to that decision on their own. Yeah. I think that women are like, well, okay, I'm in the situation and I don't want to just let him forever make the decisions. I don't want to just never ask forever.

So, like, what do I do? I think if I could simplify my answer to your question, it would sound something like the best thing that you can do in your relationship is to help or better understand what that man's version of freedom is actually like. So maybe he doesn't know. I think this is actually part of the issue is that a lot of men haven't actually defined the type of freedom that they want in their life. They just know they have a feeling that they're losing. Like they can't exactly. I think that's got to be a man thing, right? Like, I'm feeling this thing and I'm triggered, but I have no idea what it is.

Yeah, I have no idea what it is. Which is like, why we have you and other therapists to have them figure their shit out. We tricked you into being here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So part of it is like, ask, ask the guy that you're dating or the men in your life, like, what is your version of freedom look like? What does freedom look like in your relationship?

What does freedom look like in your health? And he'll start to define it. If he doesn't know, then start to include. require if he's willing to explore what that looks like. Because if he doesn't know, you'll, you're sort of like infringing on his freedom no matter what. Like the, the advice that you start to give when you're starting to nurture or you're just, you're just trying to support him. Right. You're just trying to help. You're like, I've noticed that when you eat this thing, you feel better. And so I want to help you. I want to support you. And I think, you know,

depending on his relationship with someone like his mom again, just bringing back in that dynamic, If he grew up in an environment, let's say, with a really critical harsh mom, he will, as a boy, have felt largely like he was being controlled by a woman, that he's being told what to do by a woman. And so as he matures and gets older and he finds a sense of autonomy and sovereignty and his own ability to make his own choices, he might start to reject more and more a woman's opinion or a woman's ability to support him, even if it's coming from a place of love and appreciation. And so that's another really important part is like look at the relationship that he has with a woman in his life, right? Are they critical of him? Do they, you know, make fun of him? Are they, are they constantly trying to support him? Is he sort of like howtowing to him, right? Does he do whatever his mom says? And that will give you a really good sense of what his relationship looks like with freedom because he might feel like he's been infringed on for a very long time.

Yeah, and I think sometimes Rana and I look at relationships and we're like, how can this girl settle for so little? Also, when the flip side men choose women that we feel like are a strange match for whatever reason. Like we're like, that girl, this guy, you know, maybe I hate to say this because we lift women up. But like, for an example, we're like, that guy is like so hot and funny and perfect. And his girlfriend is just like a dud. and I'm like, maybe it's because she just lets him live. You know, I think that maybe I wonder if sometimes guys just find the girl that's going to let them get away with everything, that they're never really going to have to, that's never really going to challenge them enough

and that they're just going to be able to live their life as it was before because they don't need anything and they don't expect anything. And I hate to call them like door mats, but sometimes you just see these women, I'm like, I would never settle for that. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be in a relation like that. That's not what I want, but not everybody has the same type of expectations. I look at my parents. I think my mom is just this person that's like let my dad live his life and try every hobby and do everything. They have all these separate interests. I think from day one, she's this like cool, hot chick, but that was just like, yeah, if you want to go race cars, you want to fly a plane,

you want to quit this job, try a new adventure. Like, I think she just let him live. And I mean, they're an amazing couple. They've been married 40 years. They love each other so much. And I look back that you're talking. I just see this whole like she was never, like my, they got together and my dad quit his job to start a business. I think a lot of women were, like, you can't do this. Like, we want to start a family, you know? Like, you have to do this. You have to do this.

I think she was just like, you'll figure it out. Well, I think, I'm sorry. You know, I was going to say, like, I think what you're talking about is a perfect example of trust. Like, you know, that's a backbone in a relationship. And especially for men, like, we, men want to feel like the person that they're with respects them. And vice versa, right?

Like, a lot of the times, and I left this part out, but before in the community, men, like a lot of times men haven't committed fully in a relationship or haven't sort of taken that next step to move in or get engaged or, you know, get married, you know, whatever that might be, have kids because there's a part of him that doesn't fully respect his partner for whatever reason. And it's a hard thing to hear, you know, it's a really hard thing for us as human beings to hear like, oh, maybe this person doesn't fully respect me. But that, that's a part of it, right? If a man doesn't feel respected by his partner or if he is lacking respect for them, it will also block him from being able to take the next step forward.

And sometimes that lack of feeling respected in the relationship is coming because it's like, you don't trust me, right? You're trying to control me. You're trying to control what I go to bed. You're trying to control what buddies I hang up with. You're trying to control what career I have. And so it's not that we, it's not that, you know, I'm advocating, like, letting men do whatever the hell they want.

That's not it either. What it is is for all the people that are listening to this podcast, to take a really hard look at what type of man do you want to be with? Do you want to be with a man that you can challenge and that you can kind of push a little bit? And you can you can sort of say like, hey, are you sure that's the right idea? Are you sure quitting your job right now when we're on the cusp of having a family is the right idea? And to be able to have like a really grounded conversation and see what type of man he is in those spaces. And then if you can trust him, let him fly.

You know, let him go for it. And I think, like, what time a man he is also correlates to, like, age and where they are in their life. And I think that, like, some people are just up against a losing battle. You're trying to change somebody that doesn't want to lose their freedom. And there's nothing you're going to do to prove to them that they have freedom within this relationship. And I think that, like, a friend of ours was talking to me the other day about this guy. And she's like, we talk all the time. And, like, the texting is so great.

And so Florida, we hung out, like, a couple times. He's non-committal and he won't commit to plans. And I was like, yeah, you've given him, like, everything he wants. He gets, like, the attention and the fun. He needs to give you nothing. and she was like, well, isn't that empty? And I was like, no. And he doesn't want to change.

And I think it's like, she's like bat, like beating her head against the wall. But I think that I just jump in time if I'm wrong or right or validate it. But like I think it's a losing battle to try to change somebody that is not interested in changing right now or being your partner. That's the, I mean, you hit the nail on the head, right? It's like the ultimate illusion of the feminine, not women, the feminine, which is an energy is that it can change the masculine, right? is that you can change a man. And like, I always say, like, don't pick a man that you want to change. Choose a man that wants to change for himself. Right. Right. Because, and choose a man that's wanting to change for himself and wanting to grow for himself, that that growth coincides with what you want in

your life. You know, that his goals, his values, the man that he's working towards becoming, the type of freedom that he wants in his life is something that it coincides and is sort of congruent with what you're craving, right? The type of like sexual exploration that you want to have in your relationship, the type of travel that you want to do in your lifetime, you know, what it looks like to raise your kids. Those things are important. And so, you know, being able to find a man that that's willing to do that growth on his own without you having to sort of insert yourself and constantly try and be the one that's changing him, because it's, it's that exact dynamic that will shut a man down instantaneously,

right? Or over the course of years, he'll sort of slowly, start to shut down. And it's one of the biggest reasons why, you know, infidelity is so high amongst men in marriages, right? Because I can't remember who said it, but this sex therapist said, you know, men cheat to stay and women cheat to leave. And the idea there is that men cheat to stay because something's missing in the relational dynamic that they're not getting, but they don't, maybe they've tried to say it time and time again. Nothing's changed, right? It's like, stop trying to change me. Let me, you know, trust me to do this. And it's not happening. And so they start to look elsewhere because they're trying to maintain the marriage or the family that

they've built because they don't want to destroy what they've built. They want to maintain it. They want to keep it going. And so they try and get these other emotional or sexual pieces met outside of the relationship. The trust thing, and just to bring it back to your wife, like she brought up the trust thing and I didn't really, I thought about it after she left and like reflected on a past relationship. And I was like, oh my God. Like I just kept trying to change him and I guess nagged him and we fought all the time and I was triggered all the time because I didn't really trust him

and I guess at the end of the day I didn't really respect him fully in some ways. You trusted him to not cheat on you. Yes, sorry. Like, yeah, what's what I'm looking for? You're not talking about it. Trust him like, yeah.

To be faithful. Faithful. God, what a toughie. But yes. And it's like, so I was always like on edge because I just didn't trust that he was going to show up or whatever or take care of himself or make enough money or be successful.

and like if I was just with a guy that I was like, he's got it. I trust him. I look up to him. I respect him. I wouldn't care. And I, it was like this mind-blowing thing of like, oh my God, like that's why I was such a crazy person because I didn't trust my partner. And that's why we didn't work. And he felt it and he knew it. And he's with somebody now that probably trusts and respect him wholeheartedly. And they probably have a great relationship that they don't fight all the time. So it really was such a, that's such a huge thing. And I encourage women to look into their relationship where you find yourself always on edge and like, is he going to be out drinking too late and not show up for this thing tomorrow? Or why is he doing this thing? Or he's not working

towards this thing. Like, you might just not trust your partner. And in which case, maybe it's not the right partner or you can do, you can work together on getting to a place. I don't know that the answer. But you're so strong. And I think that you will try to help somebody and try to help them adapt. But what I see from a lot of our girlfriends is I listen to them talk and sort of negotiate with themselves. Like, how little can I accept? How much less can I accept? Well, I can just change my expectations of what I want from this person and what I want

from a relationship and what I think is important to me because they're never going to give it to me. So, like, I see people like negotiating less and less and left for themselves. And that's never going to work out well for you in the end. No, because it just erodes your own sense of self-worth. Right. Eventually, when you accept less from another, you're all. automatically accepting less from yourself.

And you're saying at some point, I'm not worthy of having the type of relationship that I really want. And so what we have to do. That was great. We have a friend that, like they've been together for so many years. I think he has just worn her down where like,

it's exactly what you're saying. It's her own self-worth is this is all I'm deserving of. Yeah, you're right. And keep going. We interrupt. No, I agree. Our other good friend that I'm talking about who was saying to me like, isn't this an empty existence?

She's the coolest, smartest, most successful girl I've ever met. She's beautiful, great body. Like, I cannot believe what she accepts for men sometimes. And somewhere along the lines, she thinks that's not deserving. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and who knows where that's come from, right? I would imagine it's probably like somewhere in her upbringing,

like her family system growing up that probably came about. But, you know, it's a valid point. Like what you were saying before is important. in terms of, you know, if you're wanting to find a partnership where commitment is there and you can feel safe in that space, you have to be able to find someone that you can trust to take care of themselves. Because otherwise, a lot of women fall into this role of trying to caretake a man and try to like, not just nurture, not like, hey, you're sick, I'm not going to take care of you and

like help you out or I see that you're struggling, you're overloaded and I want to like do something nice for you. But like on a daily basis. Carry them on your back. caring and it's like, no, like, can I swear on your podcast? Yeah. Like, no, like, fuck that. Like, stop fucking doing that.

Yeah. Can I swear? Talk about anal. Do whatever you want. It just covers her face. Oh, God. But like, like, stop doing that. Stop.

Like, you, here's the thing is like, we, we are, like, men are in decline. First and foremost, they're in decline, right? Less men are graduating from college. Thank God. Yeah. We've been waiting for you guys to level down. Someone wrote in the, um, on the questions we asked on Instagram,

how have men not become extinct because of survival of the fittest? Oh, my God. Like, how is natural selection not taking them out? I mean, it's a joke. You're a man. But women are just so sufficient. Absolutely, yeah.

They are. Like, we can do everything. Like, drop me in a foreign country. Like, I'll just, I'll just make it work. Well, you know, men are, but they're on the decline is what we're saying. Yeah. Those men are on the decline. But I think the important thing is, like,

you know, do you want to be in a relationship where you're carrying your partner, you know, where you, where you are the one, where you're trying to change them, where you're, you know, but that's, that's what's happening, right? Constantly is that, you know, women are largely choosing guys who it's like, well, I can fix him. It's like, uh-uh, no, you're not going to fix him. Because here's, here's the thing of what we were talking about before. When you start trying to fix him, he feels like his freedom is being infringed on and he'll start to pull away instantaneously, every single time. I just think that like women listening to this are probably like, well, what is the, like, then I just never try to help my

partner. So I think that like, and I'll tell you, let me qualify what I was. So I dated somebody for, well, I was engaged to him. We were together for a long time. And he just, he was a couple years younger than me and like, not as professionally successful as me. And I always was just trying to like give him advice, help him with resumes and cover letters. And I don't know that I realized that I made him feel bad. I just thought like I love his person and this is my partner. And of course I'm going to share whatever advice I have with him. But he fucking hated me for it in the end. And he felt like I had constantly pushed him to do all these things that he wasn't capable of and ready for. And when we broke up, he said, like, I failed at all these things. And it's your fault because

you pushed me to do them, basically. And that's a crazy fucking thing to say. And he's apologized to me since. And I don't believe that. But I think a lot of women are probably listening to us thinking, like, I just, I'm just trying to help. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it brings the point of like, find, like I was saying before, find a man who's open to you challenging him, right? not competing. I think what happens in a lot of our modern relationships is there's like, you know, and there's like the independent woman and there's a lot of guys that are that are craving that. And what ends up happening is that a man feels like he's in competition with a woman rather than being challenged by the women in his life. And there are two really different

things. So find a man that is open to you challenging him because if he is, then he's not going to want you to sort of like carry him, right? To be the, one that's fixing his problems, to be the one that's solving it, to be the one that's, like, constantly telling him what he should be doing in his health or his business or his career. But he'll be open to you saying, like, hey, I think you can do better. Like, I actually think that you can do better in your career. Do you agree? And that's the type of relationship dynamic that I think a lot of women are actually looking for

and what a lot of men are looking for as well. They want to be challenged. And we've sort of created this culture where it's like call-out culture, right? like a lot of guys are being called out for very good reasons, right? There's a lot of men that absolutely should be called out. But there's a lot of men that need to be challenged to be better to like grow. And I think that that's a sort of like an art form that we societally haven't quite gotten right yet amongst men and from women to men as well.

Can you make a guy commit? How do you, how do you trick men into committing? So you can. Wait, you can trick a man. You can absolutely trick a man into being. with you, but either you will lose respect for him or at some point he'll lose respect for himself and he'll blow up the relationship. Okay.

And so, like, tricking a guy into commitment is not going to work. So don't take a pregnancy. No, dear God. All right. No, but, like, you know, choose someone and then make sure that he's choosing you back. Right. You know, like really, like, and tell him that you choose him. Like, really say, like, I choose you.

I choose being in a relationship with you. and I want to be in a committed relationship with you. Do you want the same thing? Like, be as radically honest as you can, and point blank. Men, like, the right man with that type of point blank honesty, will tell you. He'll be like, yeah, absolutely, I want that. Or, no, I'm not ready for that right now.

I don't want it. And I think that too often we sort of, like, skirt around the truth of the issue. So if you want commitment from a man, like, be straight up, be direct with it. And he'll give you an honest answer. Do you think if you don't get the answer you want, the relationship has to be over? I mean, I feel like that's sort of like situational dependent. Yeah. I think sometimes like, look, sometimes guys can't commit because they feel like they haven't

found their purpose yet, right? It's like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the world. And so because that purpose gives them an even deeper sense of freedom of like, I know why I am here. If they haven't found their purpose, they might not be ready to commit yet because there's a lot of pressure, right? A lot of men still have the mentality of like, I have to be the quote unquote breadwinner, which I hate that word, but it's what we use. So it's like, I have to be the breadwinner. So I have to, you know, have this great job and make all this money and yada yada.

And so if he hasn't found that yet, that might withhold his commitment. But, you know, if it's not the answer that you want, you can probably work on it, I would say, like you can give it some space. Like maybe the guy's just sort of saying, I really like you. And I'm not, 100% sure yet. I think I want this. I do want to be in a relationship, but set a time frame for it. You know, say like, okay, well, let's give it three months. Let's give it six months. And here are some actionable steps that we're going to do. Let's check in on a monthly basis. You know, let's do some work on our relationship. Let's learn about communication and the type of like sex and intimacy that we want to explore. Ask him what is missing from him being able to commit. Ask him

directly. Like, what's missing? And again, I'll probably tell you. And I mean, we've said this before. We've done a few episodes about commitment and defining the relationship. And sometimes you have to reflect on, do you need to take a step back and relax a little bit? Like, are you pushing too hard? Is it, if you've been together a year and you have to move in with this person, that's really soon for some people. You know, like I think self-reflection is important too. Why do I need this right now?

Like, are you guys happy? or do you feel like he's loyal? Like, why do you need this title or why do you need this next step? It might be sometimes women, sometimes they're pushing to art. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes men are just never going to commit. But I think self-reflection is important too. Yeah.

I think we talked to other people also on the show about like being single and saying to yourself, like, do I even want this? Or am I just fighting because I want to win? You know? And I think like also this is probably very early on like three months in saying to yourself, like, do I want to be serious? seriously in a relationship with this person. Like, we get emails from people who are like,

I dated somebody for a few months. And honestly, it wasn't even that great to begin with. We got an email like that today. And it's like, but you just answered your question. Right. You don't want to be with this person. Yeah, it was wild. And my friend who I keep harping on who's being so crazy with men,

like she said to me that this guy is like non-committal, blows her off for plans. He like makes plans and then doesn't show up and then mocks her when she says something about it. In my mind, I'm like, you don't want to be with this person. It's been two months.

And there's no, there's not enough good at the fact. foundation for you even to wave like this behavior. Yeah. Can I just say one more thing? No. Absolutely not. It's over. Mark.

You have to leave. Yeah, Mark. Listen, Mark. Everybody's going to be like that episode with Mark about men was really great. Yeah, everybody is going to think it's the same as Mark. Damn, it was Connor. Anyway. Because no one knows a Connor.

The last thing I was going to say is that some men will hesitate to like full commitment in a relationship because they're concerned about hurting. that person. So maybe some men have been unfaithful in the past or they've been cheated on in the past or, you know, they just have a track record of blowing up relationships. And so they have this story, they have this narrative internally that they can't do relationships. They're not meant for monogamy, right? And so sometimes it's like a guy is trying to quote unquote protect a woman from hurting her. And so he will actively push her away. And so another great question to ask is like, you know, do things have to get, do you think that you're trying to protect me by not committing

to me? And that's a really great question to ask him out. It's like, do you think that you're trying to protect me by not committing? Do you think that you're going to hurt me if we're together? And that will give you insight into like what he's thinking because he might be thinking like, oh, I can't provide for you or I'm not going to be able to commit to kids in a year and I think that you want them. It'll give you insight into what his insecurities are and what his anxieties are. That's a really big one. A lot of men will really stress about that one. Or you could just not be the one. Or it could be like, yeah, like you, but not enough.

Yeah. It's that's not men. That's women too. Yeah. You know, like, I've dated plenty of guys that if they were to be like, hey, I want to be boyfriend, girlfriend. I would have been like, I don't. But it's a classic nice guy thing, right?

The nice guy thing is like, I don't want to hurt you by telling you that you're not the one for me. And so a lot of nice guys will stay in relationships too long simply because they're like, I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that I'm not actually. invested in this. And all of a sudden they wake up and they're like engaged and they're like, oh, shit. And then they have to bail. Which happened to me. Which happened to Raina. But I mean, every girl. It's not too soon. It's not too soon. I wouldn't have this. I wouldn't have this podcast with Ashley. I would never matter. And like 99% of women just want the truth. Like every time

we talk to a woman or even a man that has had this experience with women and somebody was honest with them and like, I just don't see a future here. We're like, oh my God. I mean, some people, I think you mature and you realize like, thank you for being honest. I think sometimes you're like, I got to know what's wrong with me. And sometimes it's nothing. It's just that this isn't the fit. You reminded me of something else that came up overwhelmingly, and I wanted to touch on this.

I'm so glad I remembered. It is this thing of a man getting his heartbroken in college and then never being able to commit. And we see it so much. Rain and I can smell it from a mile away. We've had guests on and they're like, I just have another girlfriend in 10 years. And I'm bad with relationships.

And I'm noncommittal. We're like, your college girlfriend broke your heart, right? Sometimes it's even high school. Like some girls up wrote on the, the questions that we asked, they've had their heart broken at 16 and they never recover. Usually to me, it's college. I think you, it's always the college. It's usually college.

It's like this guy was in love with this girl and she broke his heart in college and he is 33 and is a fuck boy. You know, and I think I would love to just discuss this a little bit because I don't think it happens with women as much. As much, yeah, as much for sure. I think women are more resilient in general. I think women will get their heartbroken over and over and over again. Is the question, why do men not recover?

from it? Yeah, why don't they experience, like, trauma? Also, at such a young age, like, dating at 22 is not the same as dating at 28 and then 35. And, like, but why can't they tell themselves that, like, this is different? Boom. So you're heading on something really interesting. So it has to do with vulnerability and it has to do with a man's, like, we're sort of like indoctrinated. A lot of men are indoctrinated into this idea that, like, vulnerability is not manly. And so you should not express, show, or experience vulnerability of any kind. whether that's emotional or verbal, sexual, physical, et cetera. And so what happens is a lot of men fall in love for the first time.

And they are vulnerable in that relationship. And they experience for the first time, maybe in their life, what it's like to be vulnerable. And then they get cheated on or they get dumped or something really happens and they get crushed. And internally, what that does, it's like, oh, that fucking story is right. I shouldn't be vulnerable because what happens when I'm vulnerable is I get hurt. and that fucking sucks. And so I never want to experience that again.

So what I'm going to do? I'm going to harden up my heart. I'm not going to feel anything. And I'm going to go fuck as much as I possibly can because that feels amazing. And it lets me forget about the pain that I felt from getting fucked over in the past. And so it has to do with vulnerability because we as men are told that there is power in being invulnerable. It brings me a good point is that like a lot of women like, you know, Vienna and I have worked with a lot of couples. And one of the biggest pieces that we often work on is like sex and intimacy.

specifically couples that have, you know, been together for a while and maybe sex has started to taper off. Intimacy is challenging and, um, and, you know, rekindling that desire, rekindling that connection, that sexual intimacy. And one of the biggest challenges is that the guys will feel like they've been vulnerable in, you know, trying to initiating sex and, et cetera, and being rejected over and over and over again. And so they'll just shut themselves off. And they'll, they'll shut themselves off from any form of emotion around it. And then they, they can't seem to re-engage after. And so I think just to pull that back around is like,

women also have to be able to look at their relationship to receiving a man's vulnerability. Because some women are not open to it, right? Some women, like, you know, they hear stories all the time of, of, you know, a guy being in a relationship and expressing himself or like breaking down and crying or something like that. And the woman just completely losing it.

Like, you know, you fucking, I can't believe you do that. You're such a baby. And that just like, perpetuating the social unacceptance or in acceptance, whatever one it is, that a man can't experience emotions. And so, you know, it's like this give and take of like if you want a man's vulnerability and for him to be courageous and asking what he wants in a relationship, then you also have to be willing to receive the fact that sometimes it's going to be messy. He's not always going to get it right. You know, it's going to be imperfect and sloppy just

like sometimes when you are vulnerable with your man in your life, like it's not always pretty you're perfect. And we have to create room for both of us, for both men and women, to be just like sloppy sometimes. Well, and then there's probably some other innate thing, too, of the woman thinking that the man needs to be, like, strong provider, she needs to be able to trust and rely on him. So, like, the crying and the, like, the faltering of that, maybe weakens her trust a little bit, too, right? Like, I have a guy friend that he feels like he can't really be that vulnerable even with his wife, because, like, he's the, strong one, the provider, and I'm sure he is, you know, and behind closed doors, but I think he feels

like she looks up to him to take care of everything. And so he can't really just cry it out and from her, you know, and he's got to put on like a strong face. But I want to go back to the the guy with like the hardened heart from getting his from getting crushed in college. Like, what's the answer there? Like is it, if you're a woman and you are dating a guy and you're like, I see so much potential here. I think this is a really solid match, but he has his walls up. And I think it's because of this previous heartbreak. I mean, is there any way to break through that?

Or is it a decision they make? Or when you see men finally come around and finally open back up and bring the walls down, where how? Like, where does it come from? Is it some magical woman that comes along? Or is it they finally go to therapy or like, where do you see it change? Even if we're not giving actual items for women, I'm curious of like, how does it ever change? Or are they genuinely happy in that state?

And can people find genuine happiness in a decade of being like that? And you'll never change them because they've leaned into it. And they like sleeping. Like you said, fucking everything. Yeah. I mean, generally that will,

that will like run its course and it'll sort of become hollow and empty at some point. Like I've worked with a lot of guys in that space that, you know, the classic like got hurt in college and then have been sleeping around for a very long time. And it takes its toll, right? There's a shame there because a lot of the, most of those men want a monogamous relationship underneath that that whole core.

They really want that intimacy and connection of being in a close relationship. And so, you know, to answer your question like, yeah, they probably need to work through it, whether that's through therapy or, you know, getting some form of support, like a men's weekend or retreat or something like that or working with someone. It can happen in the context of the relationship if it's with like the right woman where he can start to open himself up and trust women again because generally what happens in that heartbreak is that his trust with women collectively has been broken and and he just won't allow himself to be vulnerable enough to trust a woman again. So it can happen in the context of their relationship,

but I would still say like finding some form of support is going to be helpful with that, whether it's a men's group. Like he should have good quality men in his life to support that. And, you know, I always say like if you want to really know the caliber of a man, look at the caliber of his friends of the men that he surrounds himself with. It'll give you a really good gauge of the type of guy that he, that he is. Yeah. We say that about when we met each other and we liked each other's friends and that was like a good gauge for each other. Yeah. And we had a matchmaker on and she said that she wanted to find somebody and she had a, she had guy friends that she really looked like respected and she just was like, you're taking me out with you. I want to meet your

friends. And she was like, I want to find a man like you. So tell me who your friends are. bring me to them. And that's how she met her husband. Yeah, 100%. So, you know, of course, I think that's, we said that very early on of just like, if your partner has a bunch of shitbag friends, like he's, he may not have shown you as true colors, yeah, but that's rare.

He's what, like the one that's just the only good one of the 20 bros. Like, it's doubtful. But, you know, I guess there's exceptions to every rule. I just think it's bad to ever think you're going to change a person, whether you're a man or a woman. And I think it's, you know, a poor choice. to ever be in a relationship or walk into somebody's thinking.

And I think what you said is to pick people that you can enhance their life, but you don't want to change them. You know, you want to encourage them, but not change them. And I just don't think you're ever going to like make a person wake up one day and realize that like you are the thing if they don't feel like it. You can change their clothes.

Yeah. Like for sure. I've seen this happen so many times. And like I feel like every man that dresses well was from the girl, the previous girlfriend. Or I think you can get them on a skincare routine. I think you can do these things that are like quote unquote, girlier and they let you

because they're like, you know, I think you can decorate their apartment. I think that you can take on certain roles. I know for certain, whether Connor just agrees to me or not, I know you can change a man's fashion. I've seen it happen with so many relationships. That was not what I was going. I wasn't like, Ashley. I mean, it's that I will admit that my

wife has improved my fashion. She doesn't dress me quite yet. Anymore. But yeah, anymore. But they're definitely like my attire wasn't up to par when we started dating. Exactly. But to her credit, she has improved it.

But it was because she challenged me, right? It's because we like to not look like shit. Yeah, to not dress like, yeah, living on the street. And that's, you basically show a man that he looks better. You know, like he has like, I never thought to wear not boot cut jeans. You know, like, I think it's just like you show them the light. No, not me. I want to keep him down so they never leave me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And to your point, like if you are, if you're wanting to be that savior for a person, it's like look what that is saying about you, right? It's that like I want, because most of the time it's like I want to be able to save you and change you so that you'll never leave me. So I always have this Trump card over you, this like power over you that says that like I helped you get to where you are today so you can't leave me. Or it's the opposite.

Like when you see like my 600 pound life and it's like this man that just keeps feeding the woman because he like never wants her to leave. Yeah, that's me. I want to hobble every man that I'm with. I want to make sure that you can't clean yourself, book for yourself. Just crippling with food. Yes.

I don't want you to even be able to answer an email without my input. I want to hobble you from being able to do anything. But it doesn't, it also, I don't even think that really tracks. Like I think all women, not all women, a lot of women, myself included, have a story of how you improved a man and they still left you. You know, like I think or you left them or whatever, you break up. Like I think it's such a tale as old as time of you leave them better than you found them. Yeah.

I mean, my ex-fiance. say I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I packed for him because one time we went out a trip and he just didn't bring shoes. Seriously? That's amazing. Yep, we got to the wedding and he just didn't bring any shoes. Oh, men cannot pack for a wedding. You got to give him a checklist.

Men don't even, if they ask you to a wedding, they don't give you any details. Like, I went to a wedding with a guy and I like found out at the wedding he was the best man. Like, I didn't know. He didn't tell me anything. It was just like, what's the attire? You can't get details. that I'm like, where, what state are we going to? Where is the wedding?

What time is it at? Yeah, what should I wear? Well, I tried to hobble him and he left me anyway. So, yeah, you're right. It's not a good plan. There's a good name of like a book. I tried to holl him and he left me anyway. That's my new blog actually.

That's your autobiography right there. I tried to haul them. Are we still going to talk about porn and sex? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Should we get it? I love that Connor was like mid thought and just interrupted his own thought to be like,

we got to talk about porn. Connor's like, I'm over this commitment bullshit. It's a very like man thing. He's like, I thought this was a sex now? Are we done with the lady talk? Can we talk about porn? Are we had sex now?

Can we talk about porn? I want to know why guys can't multitask in life but can date five women at once. Because sex. So let's segue into it. We are incredibly motivated when it comes to sex. It's very funny though. That just popped into my head because so many of the questions on Instagram were why can't men multitask, why can't they plan?

Why can't they multitask? Why can't they multitask? And it's like, but they can see five women. at the same time. They seem to be able to multitask dating. It involves coming and they can do it. That is. I mean, orgasms are a great motivator. Every day I wake up and have one. It's a great motivator. But I think

to like that point, again, I said before, like men are performance. Like we are, we see ourselves often as like performance-based objects. And even growing up, like, you know, women largely are sort of like conditioned to be beauty objects and men are conditioned to be performance-based objects. So we grew up playing sports. We get validation when we perform really well in school or in sports or, you know,

whatever it might be. And that carries over. If a man hasn't found a purpose in life, but he's figured out that he can get validation from sex, from fucking, he will pursue that real hard. Because it's like, I'm not good at sports.

I'm not really good at academics. I have kind of a shit job, but I can fuck. And so. But I'm like, I'm a get around. I mean, because there's value in men sleeping with women,

like societally. Yes. Man, I'm a man though. I'm a performance based object. We're performers, Raina. Are you realizing this? You take value in how much fucking you do?

No, I'm saying like perform. Like, we're performers. Like, I'm a better performer than I am a human? Good-looking lady. Wow. I'm funnier than I am prettier. I get it, guys. I have to be funny.

So I want to talk about sex, but I just got to throw this out there so we don't forget. I want to talk about the sex stuff and the porn stuff you mentioned. And then at the end, I want to talk about what happens to the male psyche after they have sex with a woman for the first time because we got that question across the board too. Let's get into it. Oh, and Dick Picks. We'll get to that too. Well, something that you were talking about because you and your wife do these retreats

and you were talking to us about like porn and like men that watch so much porn, but they're not sexually satisfied in their relationship. So I would love to explore that a little bit. Yeah. So like I think the easiest way to understand it is a drinking analogy, right? So imagine that you, every single time that you go to a party or every single time you're at a social event or every single time you're out of dinner, you have to drink. you have to drink.

You absolutely have to drink. You have to get absolutely like blackout drunk, right? This is me. Not blacked out, but I have to have a drink. Okay. This is me. And if you're sober at the party, you're not having fun, right? You're not aroused.

Like you're not having a good time. It's boring. Like you're not really engaged in it. So this is what porn has largely done to men. A lot of guys, a lot of the research is showing that men are finding, starting to watch porn between the ages of 8 and 11. No. Uh-huh. Yeah. So imagine like an eight, not back in our day, but,

I was looking at porn at like 11 and 12. Really? Right not. No, you weren't. Yeah. What, your family computer? Yeah. Absolutely. And all my dialing up to AOL. Just like at 11. No, you're not 11, 12, 13. Yeah. What are you 13 when you're in eighth grade? Yeah, but like the boy. And it wasn't me necessarily like all the boys that I was friends with were doing that at their parents' houses. Absolutely on the dialogue. And I was. Okay, all right. Yeah. Dials up.

Her mom picks the phone, knocks her off. She's masturbating at the family computer in the dad's office chair. She's like, mom, don't come in here. You're like, mom, I'm close. Put the phone down. Why is the, why is my desk chair all stained? Oh, God. Chip is like Raina.

All right. Yeah, we really. I'm past the point of no return, guys. Just let it flow. All right. So drinking analogy. So, okay. Can't be sober.

So you can't be sober. So this. This happens a lot with guys in the sense that like every time that they masturbate, they're watching porn. So most guys, they're masturbating three or four times a week. They're watching porn every single time. And after like a decade of doing that, right? Oh, my God. A lot of guys don't, they have no ability, they've lost the ability to actually pleasure themselves without pornography.

A lot of them can't get hard without porn. A lot of them lose the ability to fantasize. They don't really know what they want. And so their ability to sort of like self-pleasure goes. downhill. And I, you know, for all the guys that are listening to this, you know, I usually ask them, like, when was the last time you masturbated without porn? And some of them have no idea. You know, it's like, oh, I think when I was like 12, you know, it's like when I was 13 years old and it's like 40 year old men. Yeah. So, so a lot of guys, like, they don't know how to pleasure

without porn. So, and that porn is the education that has taught them what sex should look like. So they bring that into the bedroom, right? And a lot of that porn is not designed. for both people's pleasure, it's designed as entertainment, right? It's meant to be fake, right? The pizza guy coming in with the pizza box and his dicks through the box, right? It's like it's entertainment. It's not like you're probably not playing that out, right? Solid Friday night.

Yeah, solid Friday night. So, you know, a lot of guys need to learn how to re-educate themselves on how to pleasure themselves, what they actually want to explore and experience without porn. And so removing that is a really important. important piece because otherwise the impact that that has on the relationship is that they're bringing all of these scenes or whatever, you know, maybe they're into like watching these like these campsites where they can tell women exactly what they want them to do. And so they're used to getting whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want, however they want, to look exactly as they want with the outfit

that they want. So they're just their condition. Like we are conditioned through porn to get exactly what we want at the click of a mouse. But when it comes to a relationship, it doesn't work like that. Yeah. Right? Like intimacy doesn't work like that. You can't just walk in and be like, here's the exact scene that I want every single time that you want to have sex and go, right?

And like, I can see the look on your face. No, sometimes. I mean, we got this email and it's, it's a little different. But this girl was like, you know, I've been out of this guy like five times and he doesn't really seem to be like aggressively pursuing me. And she said like, it's like sexually. He doesn't seem to like really want to fuck or make out. And she said, is he gay?

That was the topic. And Ashley and I were talking about maybe like why somebody would do that. It's a large number of issues. But like this could definitely be an issue sometimes, I think. Where like matter like I respect this person. I care about this person. I can't see them the way I see a porn star. And then we got another email that she said her sex with her boyfriend is really

vanilla. And it's like just always missionary. Doggy style sometimes. Nothing crazy. Nothing out of the ordinary. And she found his porn history. And it's like milf porn and step family porn. watches a lot of porn. And A, he lies to her about the porn that he watches. And B, he refuses

to be adventurous with her in the bedroom. Yeah. So this is, you're bringing up a really important point. A lot of guys, so there's so much here, but a lot of guys will explore their sexual fantasies through porn and then have really basic regular sex and feel disappointed with the sex or their partners like, this is lame, right? You know, like, I want to explore more. And secondly, a lot of porn is actually designed to sort of prey on our childhood wounds. right so like that that guy is an example he's watching step-parent porn etc etc you can almost trace like a lot of times when I work with guys what we'll talk about is like what type of porn are you watching and I can trace back based on the porn that they're watching what their childhood wounds were right like

how their mom was criticizing them and so because of that harsh criticism they're watching porn where they're dominating a woman and having complete control over them because that's what they fantasized about as a kid. So our childhood wounds get fetishized in porn. And a lot of men, look on your face is great, like, fucking hell. I'm thinking like, why do I like lesbian porn? That's what happened to be as a kid. But the interesting thing is that like 35% of porn is not being watched by women, right? So women are also starting to enter into this space because their sexual voices are being liberated and they have more, you know, like they're starting to claim what they want in the bedroom and how they want sex to look. And so they're starting to educate themselves as well. And so it's, it's

really important that we start to identify that a lot of people don't know how to have these conversations about the type of sex that they want. And again, it's like, how do you find someone that's willing to be able to say, like, here's the fantasy that I want to explore. Here's the role play that I want to explore. Here's I want you to touch me. It requires us to be able to do that work and that exploration first with ourselves, but also with a partner that we trust. So if I'm a girl and I'm like, I know my boy earns and all this freaky stuff like this girl, but he won't do this in bed with me. What, like, what do I say?

Well, first of all, why? Do you know, is there an answer to that? Like, why a guy is, like, obsessed with porn but has really vanilla sex with this partner? Shame. Okay. So shame is what in the therapeutic world is called an inhibitory emotion or a repressive emotion. So we have eight core emotions, things like happiness and joy and anger. And shame is the one emotion that when it comes up, it pushes the other emotions down.

So let's say a guy is feeling lonely, right? He's single, he's lonely, he doesn't want to feel that. Shame comes up and says, don't feel this. Do some things that you don't feel this. Well, what do you do? You go and masturbate, right? Because right after you orgasm, there's a sense of release and there's a sense of like not feeling it's very euphoric. And he doesn't have to feel that loneliness anymore. And so there's a sense of like, oh, I got to connect with these women. The brain doesn't know the difference between what he's seeing on the computer. in real life. So his brain thinks, I just fuck someone. And it releases dopamine. And the same, the exact same system physiologically in the body happens when, when you watch porn from when you actually have sex. Like the exact same system operates. So he will just constantly escape to porn so that it's suppressing the emotion.

So shame is a big reason. He doesn't, he wants to escape from what he's feeling. But more importantly, he feels ashamed of his desires. right? He feels ashamed of what he fantasizes about. And, you know, when we feel shame, we don't actually want to own those pieces. So part of that is his inability to be able to bring that forward. But the other part is like, you know, creating the safe environment for him to explore why those sexual fantasies and those desires are actually there in the first place. Is it... Did we answer your question? I'm sorry. No, it's fine. I like that you ask that too

because I think it's really, really important to understand like the why before like, how do I fix it? Yeah. But also like, so my board. boyfriend in high school. Like, I mean, I didn't know anything about sex back then, basically, but he was, like, the first person I had consistent sex with. I think, like, really looked at me as, like, his little princess and, like, didn't want to defile me like that. And so, like, we only had sex missionary position. And it's hard to me to speak to it because I was so young. I was, like, 18. So I don't, I don't even know what sex was back then. But, like, do you think that men and everybody's different in the world, but, like, put their romantic partner on a pedestal

and won't defile you. Well, like, the Madonna and the whores. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know 100%. You're bringing up a good point, right? Because, like, in a relationship. relationship dynamic. Vienna and I talk about this all the time is like sometimes, you know, a woman. Yeah, yeah. Right before sex. We talk about it. It's like, okay. But like, you know, sometimes a woman's like, I just want you to throw me up against the wall and fuck me, you know, and I don't want you to treat me so gently. Like I want to have maybe some like rough sex and like I want you to like, you know, call me whatever. Anything. Yeah. Like give me something else. Yeah. But, but there is that part where it's like, oh, I want to protect you. You know, I see you as innocent and I see you as this like pure, pure, joyful creature.

and so I don't want to harm that. I don't want to defile that. And, you know, there needs to be a sort of like distinction between the two. And I think that it's important for a woman to sort of like claim her sexual voice to be able to say like, I can be both. I can be both end. I can still be that like great. You know, it's like what's the saying? Like a lane in the street and a freak in the sheets.

It's actually Ashley in the streets, rain in the sheets. Oh, that's that. We sell T-shirts. Oh, she's a thing. Oh, seriously? Is it a thing. It's fully authentic. It's our brand.

Yep. So yes. Can you have, can you be the Ashley at the rain? Yeah. No, I'm like free. I'm not like,

I'm not approved by any stretch. But I am the opposite. But yeah, Raina. I've only successfully dated one person who I thought was really kind and loving and really like nurtured me and was the filthiest person I ever met in bed. And like I've only dated one person that was able to coexist like that with me.

And I've had great sex, but I'm like only one person that was. was really able to like degrade me the way I like in bed, but also like put me on a pedestal and treat me great. And not everybody, you know, you, you like a little more like degrading stuff, which is, it's not for everybody. Totally. Even just rougher, like, can this, like you, I mean, you look at Sex and the City, clearly a fictional show, but it didn't work for Charlotte and Trey. And that was like the first time I heard about that was this. I never, I mean, whatever, I watched that when I was at my early 20s. So that was what they tackled. Was him watching,

she found his jugs magazines and she was like, wait a minute. He is coming and he is getting hard, but he can't fuck me. So, which is, you know, again, a fictional show with a realistic situation. So is it fixable? Can you combat it? Or is it, will some men never be able to have the two coexist? So he has to want to have them coexist. I think that a lot of guys have the story of that, like, those two things can't be in the same field.

And it's why a lot of guys have these like great family. systems, like these great families are a great relationship, and they're out there, you know, having something on the side. And they can't exist. The bridging of the gap is that, first and foremost, like, a woman can really claim what she wants. And so it really is sort of, it's up to both parties, right, to men and women. But if a woman can bring forward her desires and say, here's how I actually want you to

treat me in bed, like, here's the fantasy that I want to play. I want to dress up as a schoolgirl. or like I want to be your boss and like, you know, maybe I want to like be a little bit more dominant over you and explore that. Or maybe like I want you to be really dominant over me and I want to be submissive. I want you to tie me up. And so having a woman sort of start to bring some of those pieces forward can really open up the conversation and give permission for a man to say like, all right, maybe I can merge this like really like love and fucking because most guys don't, like, haven't quite figured out that both of those things can coexist.

They think that lust is something that happens when they, you know, are hooking up and having one night stands. And love is something that is completely different. And the sex between the two is completely different. And so it's up to the couple to be able to have the conversation to say like, you know, how do you, what do you want to explore and what do you want to experience and what type of power dynamic do you want to be involved in? do you think across the board men just need to watch less born? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Like is that the answer? Yes.

And you can't write, if you're a woman that has a man that has this, I don't want to say porn addiction, but has this experience, you can't retroactively go back and change the last 10 years their life. But, I mean, can minimizing it help them? Yeah. Kind of start to undo some of the damage. 100%. Yeah. It starts to allow them to to re-see and re-experience what they want.

sexually, right? So they can start to say like, oh, I do have fantasies and desires outside of what I just watched in, you know, the porn that I watched yesterday. So I would say for a lot of guys, like lay off the porn, even just try like a month or two of not watching it. And what they'll usually find is that their sex drive and their attraction towards their partner will start to skyrocket. I bet. And then and then the conversations are like really possible. And so again, this comes down like having transparent conversations and not not like shaming our partners. I think a lot of guys are like, oh, if you find out that I'm watching porn, you're going to shame the hell out of me. And so I don't want you to know. And so they'll just lie and lie and lie and lie.

Do you think it helps or does it reinforce? Like, if you volunteer to watch the, if you're like, hey, I know you like this, like maybe show me what you like. Is it good to volunteer to watch porn with them? Or does that, like, reinforce the behavior? And that's like not a good thing to do. I know everybody's different. Yeah. It really depends on like, it really depends on the openness of the communication and the relationship. I think if you have like a really open dynamic of communication where you can say, hey, like, let's try this and let's watch something and bring this in in terms of like exploring and expanding our sex life. But then there's like rules and agreements around the role that porn plays within your relationship. So it's not this like

backseat sort of driver that's that's back there that you both know is happening. But no one's really talking about. Then yeah, I think it can be okay for for the right couple. But I think it's important that the man understands whether or not he has a healthy relationship with porn. And the woman. They both need to be able to say, like, I have a healthy relationship with porn. Maybe I watch it once in a while. But it's not something that like I, every single time that I'm masturbating, I'm watching porn. Right. I guess it's like, you know, if somebody had like a gambling addiction, you wouldn't like to the casino with them. We're fun. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's an important piece. Well, then it also goes back to the freedom stuff.

I can't see it going well. I can't see a woman walking away after hearing this podcast or wherever she picks up the information and being like, the reason why our sex life is not good and we have these issues is because of your porn addiction or whatever. And no man is going to be like, you know what, I'm going to give it up for a month. You know, like it's right back to what we talked about. You can't take my porn away. Like I just feel like I even think about the sex in the city where the guy had to have the porn on when they were fucking because he was like, but I've been with these women for years. You know, it's like this, they probably have an attachment to something, to the familiarity and the things, the thing that they've watched however many times. Like, I can imagine this scenario in which a guy, like, started knowing his body via porn.

And the attachment is probably so strong. And, I mean, I don't know what the answer is. Like, I just, I cannot picture a scenario which a woman tells a man to cut back on porn. He's like, totally, dude, let's do it. Like, it'll make our relationship better. She's got to step it off and give more blowjobs. There's a tradeoff there. I mean, I am not opposed to that.

I don't think I do it. Look, I'm still a dude at the end of this. But I think to your point, yeah, like, bring, like walking into the relationship, like, I want you to watch less porn so that you can fuck me more is maybe not the best approach. But I think being able to say, like, I want to explore our sex. And I want to know what, like, how you want to fuck me. I want to know how you want me to fuck you. Yeah. And I actually, like, getting into like,

the nitty-gritty details. Like asking a great question for anyone to ask their partner is like, what's one fantasy that you've never talked about or you've never explored? And like, put it in, you know, like make it happen. Yeah. Plan a plan like a date on Friday night. Like, you know, whatever, whatever it is and start to explore, really start to explore power dynamics because that's really great sex requires tension. And it's a really interesting thing to start to create within a relational dynamic where there's love, right? But you can still create this like thirstiness, you know, in the bedroom where you're like, oh, like, I can tell that you want me.

I can tell like where, you know, there's like, I'm going to be like a little bit more dominant over you and like, not control, but like dominant over you and like call the shots and et cetera, et cetera. So being able to bring that into the relationship is incredibly important and being able to ask for it is it takes, again, talking about what we're talking about before. it takes an immense amount of courage and vulnerability to be able to have these conversations. Well, I think you should have them, I mean, when you feel comfortable and safe in a relationship, but I think going back to what we talked about with Ian Kerner, like, you should start that

shit sooner than later because then you have the tools for when, like, we, the thing I remember, I think the main takeaway of our relationship with him, this is an episode, guys called, Let's Talk About Sex, probably, one of our top episodes. I mean, was like, you have to develop those tools early on so you're not struggling. when the dopamine goes away from the beginning of a relationship and then you're like, wait, our relationship is stale and you never develop the tools early on. So I think the,

what's a fantasy of yours, like earlier, the better, like that you don't ask that once the sex gets stale. You ask that like earlier on, you know? So you, I think that. I think it's great advice because I, the relationships I have had where the sex is just sort of like puttered out after a year. And then you try to revive it. I'm an incredibly sexual person in the beginning of relationship.

Like the last few people I've dated will tell you, like, we fucked five times a day. But, like, I mean, if we had time, we had a lot of amount of time. But I think that, I think about other people that I've dated long term where the sex was never, like, there. I could never have woken up six months in or a year and have been like, what's your sexual fantasy you've never done with me? Like, it's never too late. And I think that, like, that's a bad. I don't want to say, like, it's never, it's never, but like, it's much harder. It's easier to, like, start speaking the same language earlier on.

And I think also, like, men need to take responsibility for this stuff. Like, I think it's comparable to drinking. I'd love to use that analogy. Like, if a guy was binge drinking every night and getting drunk every night, I wouldn't date that person. Like, what, it's something that you're doing that's an addictive behavior that is negatively affecting our relationship. So if you care about the relationship, can you work on this? Like, and don't, don't take my word for it. Listen to this podcast.

Google it yourself, you know, like your relationship with porn is affecting our sexual relationship and whether, you know, I would like you to admit that just like a good. that gets drunk every night, it's affecting your relationship. Yeah. So, I mean, ultimately, if they're, like, not willing to even give it a try, they're telling you that this is more important than your relationship, which is a whole other. Yeah, that, you know, whether it's like an addiction, right? Because oftentimes addictions take precedence over anything else.

And I... True. Yeah. I want to give respect to that, too. Yeah. And I think that's the thing about porn is that we, like, we often talk about it in this way where a lot of people don't realize how addictive it actually is.

The symptoms are exactly the same as alcohol or heroin or whatever. Like the mechanisms that respond in the body are identical. And the way that people get hooked on it is identical, right? People like skipping out on work to watch porn and jerk off or like, you know, not having sex with their partners so that they can get off in a very specific way with the porn that they watch.

And so it can create very addictive behaviors that do infringe on the relationship. And I think being able to communicate, like, what I, you know, when my wife and I are doing work with couples, it's like what we are always trying to do, especially with women, is like bring your sexual voice forward. You know, explore what you want because that,

that's incredibly freeing. And it can sort of, you know, for guys that are used to watching porn, can sometimes break them away from it because it's like, oh, I can explore, I can express myself and let people know in the relationship that that's something that you want to do. And if you're nervous about it or you're shy or you haven't done that, maybe give yourself permission to explore those power dynamics of what it's like to surrender sexually, you know, and maybe be tied up or blindfolded.

And like, again, with someone that you really trust, but explore what that dynamic is like or explore what it's like to, you know, be in control of a man, you know, and like edge him, right? Like, can I explain what that is? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So like one...

Just let the record show that I know what that means, though. Okay. I think I do, but I don't want to harass myself. So like for the women that are out there, you know, when you're maybe with your, with your boyfriend or your husband or whatever it is, and, you know, you're having sex, etc. You feel like he's maybe getting close to orgasmending. Then you can walk him up to the edge and you can say, okay, get closer. Get closer to coming, but don't come, right? And so you'll sort of pull him up to the edge of coming and then tell him the back away. And that might mean that you stop having sex right before he's going to come. So you say like, don't come and tell me when you're going to orgasm. And so you walk him up to the edge and then you're pulling back and walk him up to the edge and pull him back. And then when you do want him to orgasm, do like a, you know, do like a little countdown, like really be the one that's dominant and in control of like his orgasm. And for some guys, they really like surrendering into that, right?

They'll really enjoy the experience of that. But maybe that's something that they want to explore with you as well. I love that you brought that up because in terms of dominating, because I think some women here dominating and they picture whips and chains and tying them up. And I think they are like, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to peg a guy. I don't want to tie him up. But like this is dominating in a different way. Like that's on brand for me. I'll do that all day. But I'm not needing to peg or be, do the other things too.

So I'm glad you brought that up. I could see you're getting turned on. I am very, I'm going to go on a masturbate immediately. We just, Mark, if we could just wrap this up. I'll stop calling you more. I'm going to go.

home and fuck mark in my building. No, I'm glad that you brought up that stuff because I think that it's important to have those conversations at beginning because not everybody wants to do those things. Totally. Not everybody wants to peg. I mean, I do. I never have. I don't know if I actually could do it. But not everybody wants to peg and tie people up and have their boundaries pushed like that. Like I found that very sexy and I love the idea of somebody like pushing my boundaries. But like not everybody wants that. And I think if somebody tells you like up front like I really do need these things, then like you can also make a decision that like I'm never going to want to do those things and that's just probably not a person I can sexually satisfy. And I dated this guy very,

very briefly. And he really in the beginning was like, what's a sexual fantasy of yours? And I was like, I don't know. I don't care. Oh, when you were a lot younger. No, the guy in Chicago who like wanted me to peg him. Oh. And you can follow through with it. Yeah. That was your chance. I know. I really, I lost my chance. You could be talking right now. You flew it. What do you talk? I can't believe this. I asked me. God damn it guys. Okay. He just got engaged last week, but there's still time. Oh my. You know, he has an. actually like put the full ring on it. No. I just think that like it's important to ask this question because maybe you don't want to do that shit. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't want to be

that kind of like dominant person that like edges people and shit like that. Like not everybody wants that. That could scare a lot of people. So ask that up front because he asked me that step up front and I was a little bit younger also. So I just like I'd never heard of that before. I was Googling like what is mentally wrong with him. Yeah. Well I think I think like a good thing to do is like you know like print off the BDSM checklist. You know if you been dating someone for like whatever, a year, like, or six months? Is there a website for that? Whatever it is. I'm sure you can find it online. BDSMJocles. Dot net. Yeah, like, he just made that up. Yeah. It's definitely dot net. They couldn't get the doc. I was going along with the joke.

But like, you know, you can, you can go through that if you're not too sure how to approach the conversation and be like, what are some things that you want to explore? Like, here's a list of some of the things. Like, what's definitely off the list. And what you'll find is that people go through a relationship, you know, they naturally expand, hopefully. they're expanding. They're not complacent to like, you know, falling into mediocrity. But hopefully they're expanding their sexual horizons. So, but start there, you know, start there and say, like, here's, here are a few things

that I have wanted to explore. Here's how I want to be more submissive in the relationship. Or here's how I'd like you to be more dominant. And I think the distinction there is that doesn't have to be aggressive, right? I think that to your point, that is the perception. I like letting this, like giving this message. Yeah. Like, if a man's going to be dominant, like, he's going to be aggressive.

And it's like, no, no, no, no. that's not it, right? That's a very specific type of like BDSM that, like not a lot of, I mean, I don't want to say not a lot of people are into, but like it's not for everyone. Right. Whereas power dynamics is a very different thing, right? Using commands, for example, is something that can create sort of like leadership in the bedroom where one person is using commands to sort of like tell the other person what to do

or where to go or what position to get into. And those commands can create that like sexual tension and sexual power dynamic that both of you might be craving. And so that might just be a very simple thing that you learn how to do. And that might mean that you as a couple go and like do a workshop or a course and you start to explore sexually what that looks like. Sex is really what I've learned over the years for thousands of couples. Sex is the access point often to healing like their communication, their bounty problems, their conflict, their arguments. most of it circles back around sex. Do you think some of that is tied into just the pure vulnerability of all of it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because all of our shame gets dumped there. Right. Right. Our invulnerabilities and our vulnerabilities get dumped there. Our insecurities show up there like mad, you know. And so all of these mechanisms where we sabotage, they're just accentuated when it comes to sex because of the sort of like nakedness of it.

Yeah. I have two more sex-related questions. one is what happens to guys after they sleep with a girl. Like I don't know there's a million different scenarios. I know there's you have sex night one. Rain and I have had sex with a guy we met that night and dated him. But you hear guys say all the time. I fucked her and I just completely lost interest.

You've waited for months. You know, it's every situation is different. So clearly we can't expect you to give an all-encompassing answer. And like you said up top, I can't reiterate this enough. Every single person's different. Like you're speaking for. men, but not every single man and things like that. So, um, but.

Yeah, I don't, I don't want, I don't want some women ready to even like what you said about. Yeah. Didn't work with my man. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I just want to hammer that home. But, um, I don't know, like, whatever, normal, you know, you got on some dates. You really like each other.

Three, four dates and you finally sleep together. Does a man's mind change or what happens internally? So generally, like, I think where it's hard for. for women to understand is like men have this testosterone. And testosterone is a very unique feeling. You know, have you ever seen the show Big Mouth on Netflix? Really interesting. So like, it's all about these like preteens that have, that enter into puberty.

And when they hit puberty, it's an animated series. So they hit puberty and all of a sudden there's a hormone monster there. And the guys have a male hormone monster and the women have a female hormone monster. And it's really interesting because it's a representative. of like what testosterone and estrogen due to our bodies. So for men, this testosterone is like, it is biologically imprinted into us to go out and conquer and like, quote unquote, reproduce, right? That's just an active part.

So for a lot of guys, they are looking to sort of conquer a partner and be able to have sex with them. And when they do that afterwards, there is this part. Right after sex, what happens is like serotonin production starts in. there's a huge dopamine dump, right? And they feel sort of at this biological level and this biochemical level like they have served their function and that they've served their purpose. Like, great, I've conquered, I've served my purpose.

I've ejaculated. I'm good to go. And so for some men, depending on what they're looking for, that can be it. It can be it can turn them off. It can be like, I'm done here. I want to move on to the next one. or it can be a very like bonding experience depending on the guy. And there's a lot of research that shows that the post-orgasm experience that men and

women have from a biochemical level is very different, right? Like for women, more serotonin is released. And that serotonin is part of like the happiness and the bonding agent. And it actually connects women more from a primal level to the person that they've just had sex with. Yeah, I read something that was like something's released, like it makes you feel safe. if that's so fucked up. Yeah.

I mean, not if it's the right person, but like if it's, you know, you're just like, I trust him and he's like the worst guy. Yeah, but it's the crazy guy in 4F that's like, been talking about probably not the good one. Yeah.

But yeah, so, so for a lot of guys, it's, you know, it's that their function, what they perceive their function to have been is, is complete. And so if they really like you, like, here's the thing.

If you want to have real honest conversations with a man, do it right after sex. don't use sex to have those honest conversations, just to be clear. Like in the middle of sex, you're like, Tommy, you love me. Yeah, yeah.

I heard somebody give this piece of advice. I thought it was interesting that, like, having sex with somebody isn't going to make somebody like keep dating you or not date you, but it will speed up the process. So, like, if somebody isn't interested in you and they fuck you, like, withholding it wouldn't have changed things,

you know, like a lot of women are like, I had sex with him and then he just never talked to me again. It's like, well, maybe he just wasn't that interesting. did in you. I also think wrong with you for having had sex with that person. Yeah. And also like sometimes it doesn't

change anything. I've been in relationships where we dated. We really liked each other. We had sex. We continued our relationship having sex. You know, like it didn't change. Like a lot of relationship. I don't want to make a bigger deal about

it. If you're listening and you're like in a solid relationship, but the sex didn't change a thing. Great. You want to know what most men are thinking about after sex? Yeah. How did I perform? Okay. That's the question. So if you look at them and you say this was terrible, you'll actually fuck them up and

they'll stay longer. Ooh, Raida. I like to like spank someone on the ass on the way out the door and I'm like, thanks for the mediocre sex. And then they're just like, what? She's happened.

This is so crazy. It's, fucks him up. It's not a, Connor is smiling so big because he knows them right. It's not a long-term strategy. For like, for some guys that would definitely,

you would rope them right in. I think for, I think for guys that know, they'd be like, ha-ha, I know what you're doing, woman. Like,

I got you. I'm thinking of a really fucked up person right now. Well, the day that I, up with that guy. Like, what did you say? I'm thinking of this guy who I recently met. I know that that would work.

I just know that he's the most insecure person. You could fuck him and just be like, that was terrible. And he'd be like, are we together now? But also, I wonder, is there part of it that they, and this is what I was going to say is like the guy that I had sex with night one and we ended up dating after like when he left the next morning, I high fived him.

Like I think some men expect you to like curl up and cuddle. And I'm just like, later dude. see you later at night. You know, like, is it part of, do men sometimes think she's going to get attached? Yeah, 100%. I think. So, like, I break this down into different types of guys, right? Like, the nice guy is going to, like, overly want to please you.

He's probably, you know, post-sex, like, did you enjoy that? And what's that good? Like, he wants to, he wants validation. That was consensual, right? Right. If you could just sign this thing for, like, one second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I wrote it before sex.

but it's not weird. I can I get a voice recording of you. But that's the thing is like, you know, a lot of women are like, where all the guy, like, why don't guys like, I'm going to approach me? It's like, men are scared.

You know, they're like, there's like this, the truth, the reality is like, men are scared to be like really, uh, assertive and like,

dominant and, and like really come after you in a, in a healthy way, not in like a stocking kind of way, but like they're, they're really worried. They don't know where the lines are and like, it's,

it sounds silly, you know, like, I know it sounds silly, because we all, not we all, but most people do know the line between what's consensual and what's not. But a lot of guys are like, I don't know and I don't know how to bring it forward. Like, do I, you know, do you want to be pushed up against the wall and fucked?

Or like, do you just want me to make love to you? Like, I actually don't really know. And I don't know how to enter into like moving into that more assertive aggressive, like form of sex. So anyway. We'll have you back to talk about that. Yeah. Okay.

So the guy buckets. Nice guy wants to please. What else do you guys? Nice guy wants to please, wants to validation. Making sure you had a good time. Yeah. The sort of like asshole, like arrogant, cocky guy is going to play like he doesn't really care. Like, it's all good.

You know, he might not want like the sleepover. And so he'll like sit a hard boundary or like send you home. And generally what he's thinking after sex is like, yes, that was awesome. I enjoyed myself. Right. It's very much about him. It's not. Conquering, right?

Yeah, not so much about you. And then you have the neutral guy. And the neutral guy is generally the guy who's like the educated guy, the like maybe like a little bit more modern guy, kind of sophisticated guy. And generally what he's thinking after sex is like, is this a relationship that I want? Like is this somebody that I want to be, you know, further down the road with? Like, could I see myself being with them? And, you know, do I like the way that she smells? And like, do I, you know, just what's her room like? And, you know, it's sort of like scoping out the full scene to get a sense of like who you actually are as as a woman. and like, are you someone that he wants in his life long term? So, somebody would look around me and be like, she takes care of plants well. She has too much jewelry, but she bought it for herself. She'll want nothing from me.

It's a little noisy outside of her bedroom. Yeah, exactly. You got to, like, be really, yeah. Some guys sleeps over here, and they're like, what's this rock by the bed? I'm like, that's my sex rock. It worked. Gotcha.

Sex rock, like a yonni egg? As soon as they come, you just yell. You just yell gotcha bitch. Gotcha bitch. I like, dangled the rock. And I'm like, take this. It did its job. No, my friend, Kelly, who owns a store, Modern Mystic, we were talking about before we start recording, she asked me what she wanted to give me like a stone or crystal when I moved in this new apartment.

She was like, what are you hoping to accomplish in the new apartment? I'm like, get late. And so she gave me a stone. It's under the bed. Anyway, I have one final, like sex-related question. Just stay all night. Across the board. why do men send unsolicited dick pics?

Okay, I could talk about this forever. We genuinely want to know because no one is the solid answer for us. We've asked every man and women are like how, we have thoughts on it. Let's let Connor talk, right? Oh, I'm so curious. Well, what do you want to. Well, what we were talking about before you got here was just that like, you know,

women are like, well, if you want me to come over and fuck you, like that's never going to work. And my theory is like that no man thinks it's going to get you to come over. Like, what I'm talking about dating after? They're predators. Like, to me, it's like that they get off on the fact. that they have made you feel uncomfortable and small and, like, weak. Yeah, I think that's a part of it.

Like, I think that it's like a, it's a representation of like their, their like desire to control, right? And so it's like if I send, like, I'm going to give you like that, what I think the unconscious narrative is, right? If I send you a dick pick and you're all about it, I'm pretty sure that I can get you to do anything. Huh. Yeah. Right. Because if you are, if you receive the dick pick and you're like, oh, that's fucking hot, then the guys and the, and the guys like, sweet, you took bait.

I feel sick. It's really like. I feel like that's so accurate. And it's like, I know. I know it's a. I think that's exactly it. And so it's like, if I send out my dick to like a hundred different women and two of them take it, I know I can do whatever the hell I want to. But also the woman that's actually super on board with that. It's like, yeah, I love that. I don't want to suck that. It's probably not a woman. guess in your mind that's going to make you date them seriously. That's not what they want. That's not what they're looking for. Like a submissive like, okay. Like probably not that like. Do you think that they're not looking for somebody that's like, yeah, I just want to fuck? Because to me it's like the girl that's like, yes, I'll be right there is not the one you're

going to wipe up. Maybe it is. Right. But guys that are just like dick bombing, you know, like. Dicks away. Dicks away. Like they're probably not looking for like a serious long term relationship. They're like looking to get their dick sucks.

I like and they're looking to and they're looking to fuck. And so that I honestly think that that's a big part of it. It's that like they know they're going to get whatever they want. There's nothing. There's nothing attached to it. And it's like, yeah, that's it. Because we've seen a crazy conversations that are like, I mean, we can joke about this, but like it does bother me.

Like it's sexual harassment. I mean, you know, and it's, we've seen conversations that girls have sent us of like a guy on an app or they're texting or whatever. And a lot of apps you can't send photos. But I think maybe like, Bumble or something. And they're like, can I please send you a picture of my dick? And they're like, no. And they're like, I promise you'll like it. Like they're harassing them. And the girls have said no. And I just think, I can't believe guys don't haven't gotten this message that 99% of women don't want the dick pick.

Like that's why it feels like such a devious, more controlling thing. Because like the good, decent guys, the good guys, the neutral guys, like, no, we don't want it. But the one percent of girls to me in my mind is the girl that's going to show up, give you what you want, and ask nothing from you. So like you're fishing for that one percent. I just don't, but I don't think that's, that's not how you get it. You know, like a girl that just wants to fuck, like a guy could get her over there in other ways. Totally. I'm not saying it's rational. I just, I think that could be a piece of it. Here's the thing. If you have a good dick, you get validated on it. So coming back, coming back to the performance-based thing, if you're a guy who doesn't have much

else going from, but you got a really nice dick. And you know, and you know how to use it. And you know how to use it, you have been given so much validation because, like, there's a lot of guys that don't know how to use what they have. And so the guys that do, they get a lot of validation for it. And that's what they lead with, right? They just, like, literally lead with it because it's like, I know that this works. I know if you see my dick and you like it, you're going to want to fuck it. And so it's a very simple equation for them. I just never felt like that. Find me a girl that's ever responded to it. Like, even, you can't even hardly tell if it's nice in a close up. Like, if a guy really wants, and he's not a creep, and he really wants to lead with his dick. To me, he's showing

like a dick outline. Like he's, you know, he's showing the gray spot pants in the mirror, whatever. Like the close up, vainy, fleshy dick from a stranger is nobody wants it. I can't stress it enough. Really rather a photo of your dinner. Like anything else. And I think that we are the majority. I think we speak for most women. Like I, and I, but I can, I can envision a scenario in which a guy, all he has is his dick and his abs or whatever it may be. And he sends you that shirtless selfie that's very clearly his dick outline. And I'm like, that's fine. Well, and I send it to the group chat.

And I'm like, what, thin jogger dick outlines? Thin jogger. But just the straight up. Just leaving something to the imagination. Just like a little, like a little tease. Thin green jogger pants. Specifically green ones. That's what I would like.

I also think it's maybe their girlfriend told them they had a nice dick once. Like, I've, I've, I've dated a guy for a minute. that would send me dick pics. They were funny. There was always like, they were like accessories and stuff and it was funny, but like glasses like a bow tie glasses. Okay. Stuff like that. And I was like, this is fine.

But we were having sex. So whatever. It's the stranger dick pick is wild to me. And I think I, I mean, I think you hit the nail on the head with like there's some sort of weird control shit there. Well, also like women do send nudes of themselves, right? like they'll send photos of their ass or their tits or like whatever.

But men want them. We know they do. Absolutely. These girls, like we have guys, we have male comedians on the show. We know we've had guys at our show that a guy did a show with us in Chicago. We got off the stage.

His DMs were full of, somebody left our show, went to the bathroom and took a photo of her tits. Yeah. So we know, we just, guys don't mind. Right.

But I think, I think that like in our brain, it's like, I want you to show me your tits and your ass. And so I'm going to send you a photo of my. dick preemptively. Has it ever heard of that? It's not.

I know. Men all think that if they do it, you will res, you will. That's it. Reciprocate. Never. Has it, listen. I will send pictures of my tits all day long. I never want it reciprocated ever.

I don't, I've dated the guys the nicest dicks I've ever seen in my life. I never want to see a picture of it. It's up here. I'm all set. It's fair. Man. That's fair. Do you want dick picks like a regular dick pick?

You're in a serious relationship with somebody. They're not accessorizing it. Ashley looks like she's going to throw it. No. Show me. picture of your paste up. But like I don't want, like, that's what they'll turn me on. Like, I don't ever want, tell me a funny joke.

Send me a screenshot of you telling your friends that I'm amazing. Yeah, that's what I want. Tell me what you want to do to me later. You know, I think there's so many things that would turn me on in a text message that are not your vainy dick. Yeah, but I think, I think that's, that is, you know, to tie this back into like the porn conversation is like, that's partly the impact of porn, right? And like for a lot of guys, what they see on porn is like most of those things, it's not like this sexy psychological undressing of someone, you know, where like the guy is laying out a fantasy or a story and sort of like guiding the woman through it or like whatever.

It's that he's got a giant dick and he's just like ramming it into someone. And so for a lot of guys are like, that must be what women want, right? Like that's what I've watched on porn for a lot of years. and so I think that they just want my penis. And like that's what I'm going to try and give them. Yeah. And so, you know, I think like the art of learning how to like psychologically seduce someone, I think that dating apps have really had a negative impact on that.

Maybe for some people, it's helped them because they've had to like learn how to engage, you know, through that, through that medium of like texting and whatnot. But I think largely like that's where we need to get back to it. It's like, how do you psychologically emotionally get to someone? because like sex is mostly psychological. Yeah. It's visual and physical, but it's mostly psychological.

It goes back to even dick picks aside, like the vulgar stuff that guys say out of the gate. Like, and this is to women like us that love sexting. You know, it's just like the right out of the gate really vulgar. It's just, it's really gross to me.

There's got to be just some sort of weird control stuff there too. You know, like if I couldn't get her to respond to this. Yeah. I mean, I think, again, it's like it's the pornification of what we have. Like, most guys, they don't learn about sex from other dudes, you know, like they're not Todd. They go and watch porn.

And eventually, and what happens, like a lot of the research on porn is really interesting, right? Like I said before, the brain can't tell the difference between what you're watching on screen and what happens in person. So when a man is watching porn and he's like watching a dude fuck one chick and then watching another woman get fucked. and then watching another one. The brain thinks that he is conquering all of those women.

So if he's watched porn over the course of like an hour and he's watched 100 women get fucked, his brain thinks that he's just fucked 100 women. Who masturbates for an hour? That sounds terrible. I mean, okay. Mark does. That's Connor's ultra egos, Mark. So I just think it's so sorry.

It's just crazy. We do its episode or a segment called That took a turn where it's like you're, the people are talking about their day. and then it's just the guy's like, why don't you come over and suck my dick? Like it's wild. Like how they just go. It's like they have to be stupid.

I don't know, but sometimes it works. I was talking to one guy. I'd already slept with him now. No, no, not with us. No,

only strangers, right. You know what I mean. A guy that you've even slept with once. A guy you've even made out with is different than a stranger that lives in your phone. Okay, we got to answer this. We are running long,

but we know you guys will kill us if we don't. And you mention it too. What is it? Why men ghost? Oh. If we can. Are we going to be here for another hour? I mean, I don't know how long is it going to take any answer to this.

I mean, like, that, I think, like, the nice guy version is that, like, they don't want to tell you the truth, right? Or whatever, whatever that might be, they don't want to own it. It seemed less important, right? I think coming back to, like, the choice paradox, you know, I think we've, most people have been in that position where they're, like, talking to eight different people or five or four different people. And it's just easier to not respond back to one of them. it's just easier to not put it out there. It seems like it hasn't, like a lot of guys are like, this hasn't progressed to a far enough place.

Well, I mean more when it has. I think, you know, it's, you know, in the interest of time, more of that like, we've been dating for three months and you just fell off the face of the earth. You know what I mean? And that's three months is extreme, but like we're dating. Yeah. You know.

So that's generally like in, in the therapy world, there's something called attachment theory. And that generally ties into someone who's an avoidant attachment, right? And so it's someone who, you know, in their upbringing was really taught that intimacy is unsafe, that love is unsafe. And so as soon as they start to get close to that, they'll blow it up in some way or they'll just disappear. And it's a form of self-protection. And often it has nothing to do with the relationship or the person. They've just re-triggered that wound within the person.

And so they don't want to feel whatever's coming out for them. And so they walk away from the relationship and they don't give any sort of, insight as to why. And again, most of them has nothing to do with the other person. It's just brought that part forward in them again. And it's unhealed and they need to learn how to do that work on their own. Do you think there are cases though where it's just like pure fear? Like I cannot communicate that I don't want to see this person anymore. Sure. I mean, I think a big one is like some guys just don't feel deserving of that relationship. You know, like men, men having insecurities too. And so sometimes for them, it's like they get into a relationship and they're three

months in and it's going really well and they're like, holy shit, I really like this person. And there's, their insecurities are so big that it's like, I don't deserve this. I'm not worthy of this person. I can't please them. I can't provide for them. I can't protect them. And so I'm going to do them a favor by just walking away. I don't know if men, I guess some of them are that deep, but I think maybe on a service level,

a lot of them are just like, you're not the one. And having this conversation is too hard. It's painful. I think men are really afraid to like hurt women. they think that like the easier thing to do is just not have the conversation, which we all know is not the case. I mean, have one conversation, people will feel like they've been validated and treated like a human. But I think that a lot of times it's just like, you're not the one. And I don't want to.

I don't want to. I don't want to be with you. And like having this conversation is either not worth my time, you're not worth my time or I'm too afraid to, in my mind, hurt you. Because you're a woman and you're so weak. That it's just. And you'll cry. Yeah. I just, you know, I always say to like my guy friends, like just send the text.

Yeah. Just I know that you like, even if you're like, well, maybe a text message is not good. Nothing is, this is still better than nothing. Yeah. Let her be upset about the text message, but like, you know, put it out there. Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean, everybody's had different experiences.

You know, sometimes there are men and women both that have like broken up with somebody and the backlash was crazy, you know, and we've all been there of just like, I, well, I can't do that again. You know, maybe one time I was upfront and honest and I said, I don't see a future here. And she weighed outside my house for a week. You know what I mean? Or he did. You know, I think sometimes one time you did the right thing or you were, and it didn't really work out.

And so we say, you know, I just wanted you to answer it because we get asked a lot. But I think there's a multitude of reasons and you just have to accept that that wasn't the person and, like, move on. And I think you can drive yourself crazy analyzing the end of a relationship or anything in your life that didn't work out. And so you just have to say it's not meant to be. Yeah. And I think to your point, it's like a lot of guys just, they have the mentality of like, I don't want to hurt you.

And especially if it's a dynamic where they can tell that, that the woman's really interested, right? There's like a big piece of like, I don't want to hurt you. And so I'm just not going to say anything, which, you know, cause even more pain. So they kind of drop the ball on that one. But, you know, it's what rationally makes the most sense.

It's just like walking away. Okay. All right. This was so great. Do you feel like you have anything you missed? Oh, I'm sure. I mean, I could talk about this shit for like hours. We have stuff we wanted to talk about too.

We're just weird. There's no way to get to it. We'll have to have you back on next week. But we got a ton of, God, why will they text you every day but never ask you out? I have so many questions. What's the answer to that? What? Why will they text you every day but never ask you out?

They like the attention. They just don't like you enough. They like the attention. They want validation. They're keeping you on the hook. They're getting something from you without having to be in a relationship with you. Okay. It might just be like you're filling their boredom.

You're validating them. You're giving them emotional attention. You're sending them like pictures of your taste or your ass. And so like they're getting something from it. So like they're getting something from you and and, you know, they're exploring other options maybe. For sure. Okay. So we're just going to throw some at you.

quick, funny ones, but a lot of these were repeats. So these are the ones that people really want to know the answer to. Why can't they put the dishes in the dishwasher? These are great. They're used to having someone do it for them. There it is. Why do men stalk our social media and not text us? So why is he like watching my Instagram story every day but not texting me?

They want the emotional connection without ever having to talk to you. Yes. Why do they sit on the toilet? for so long. They are scrolling through Reddit or like, you know, they're on fucking like Twitch watching some kid in Korea game, you know, like some stupid shit. Like they're doing the same reason I'm on the toilet for an hour.

They're reading and get in and get out. They're reading poop jokes. Like honestly they're doing stupid shit. And smell their own dirt like their own ass. I can't. In and out, in and out. Like shitting should be efficient. You know, just like get into your business.

I drop it off and leave. Yeah. Okay. Why won't slash can't they listen? So men listen for what's the point, right? They're only listening to like what's the point of what you're trying to say. They're not listening to like, what are you feeling about this? Or like, they're just looking for like, what can I do to fix whatever you're talking about.

Okay. Why don't they wash their hands? Men like to feel rugged. And so, you know, knowing. that their hands are dirty gives them the sense of like, you know, manliness. Why can't they ever find anything on their own, keys, jeans, et cetera? Oh, so can I answer this one seriously? Yeah.

So there's been a lot of research that like men's men and women's brains have developed over thousands of years differently where men are more single point focused and women have what's called diffuse awareness. And so women's brains are actually designed to within like a household know where everything is because like women used to have to go out and like pick berries and so like they had to know where the vegetables were and all the fruits were around the camp and men were out hunting so they men developed single point awareness so they know where very specific things are and how to hunt them down whereas women kind of have this diffuse awareness where they know where everything

women know everything and men can only know one one one of my favorite memes was she was like my husband's been like searching for his jeans all morning and I told him he was they were in the dryer and now he's having to melt down and guess what his jeans were in the dryer? It was just like... It's true. Yeah. It's true. That's why.

Why do they act like they're on their deathbed with a common cold? Oh, great question. Oh, man. A lot of this, which is so accurate. This is actually so... I think like every man when he gets sick... It's so true. He's like, I'm dying.

And like, look, we like... I think that a lot of men feel like they don't... Their narrative, their inner story is like, I don't need a lot from other people. And so they really like, ham it up and like milk it when it's like, oh, I'm sick. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay here and I want you to bring me soup and like put like, you know,

Vicks vapor rub on my face and let me put me... But then they won't do it for you. Bitches. Yeah. They can't do anything. Okay. Why can't you take the trash outside when it's sitting right by the door? Probably because it seems inefficient.

He probably has it in his mind's schedule to go out at a different time. No. Just say they're lazy. Just say it. It's scheduled laziness. It's scheduled laziness. You haven't been a man apologist the entire time until just now. Maybe he scheduled the trash for a different time.

Because his mom didn't love him enough and he's really secure. You've been amazing with this. That was the most of male apologist thing you've ever said. The trash schedule. Get out of here. He's lazy. Okay. Well, I thought it was funny.

I thought it was a good excuse. Watch like a man that listens to this. I used that excuse. Like, I scheduled to take out crash like two hours later. And his wife's like, what the fuck have you been listening to? That is so amazing. Okay. Why do they throw, then leave their dirty socks in the ground for literal days?

Oh, man. So I actually do this. I legitimately, I actually have a penis. I actually legitimately do this. I will just take my socks off and just like put them on the ground. And it drives me in a fucking crazy. He's like, why do you leave them there? I'm like, I just take.

them off and just put them wherever I want. Is you marking that you're still free? Does she pick them up? No, she usually leaves them there and then makes a comment about how the socks are like laying there and I'm like, no, we, we leave them there because we leave them there because we leave them there. We, we leave them there. We as men, like we as men. I thought you met you in Vienna. No, we made a marriage decision. She does. She does it too. No, we leave them there because we just don't care. We don't care enough to get up and put them in the designated spot. We just don't care. It's not deeper than that. It's not because our moms didn't love us. We just don't give a shit about where the socks should go.

They should just go on the ground beside us because what we're doing in that, what we're doing in that moment of watching Rick and Morty or whatever is more important than getting up and taking our socks and putting them in the laundry business. Unless you're going to fuck me and then cook me dinner or pick the socks up. Nothing else is more important. Yeah. And I think that there's some times you like pick your battles. Like I'm like, I don't know.

Like did he go down on me this morning? I'll pick the socks up. You know, like I just think it's like, does you put this toilet seat down? I'll pick the socks up. Right. I'm glad you didn't pick this this long as I want to do it. Why are men always touching their balls? I mean.

And dick. Yeah. There are various reasons. Like, women don't know what it's like to have balls. Sometimes they're so uncomfortable. I never stop touching my tits. Is it the same thing? Look, sometimes they're like, sometimes they're like sticking to your leg, right?

They're like sweaty and gross and like, yeah, sometimes they need to be adjusted. Sometimes your boxers chafe up and like pinch your sack. And so you have to move them around because it's like pinching your junk. You can't have that. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's like, it's a comfort thing. But it's also like, you're kind of checking to make sure that they're still there.

You still have them. My tits too. Yeah. You know. They're still there. Okay. Why does my husband need a pat on the back for every dish he washes? Oh.

This is so true. They do one thing around the house and they like never let you forget it. Uh, man. Like, we. I love that we're stumping you with these. I know, no, no, no. We like, we genuinely, uh, want to, like, prove that we do things around the house. And so, like, when we do one thing, it's like, see, I fucking did something.

I did something around the house and I want you to know it. And I want you to see it. I want to, like, just put it out there and, like, rub it in your face a little bit so that you validate. She's like, do you know how many things I did today? Yes, I know. Compared to your one. I know, I know. But that's the reason.

Like, we just want to make sure that you know that we've done something. Okay. Yeah. Um, that everything? we'll do one more along the same lines just because I like stumping you why don't they replace the empty toilet paper roll These are all about laziness

I see just do it They're lazy and we'll add the episode No I'm just kidding Sometimes I don't do that too I mean that's a human thing Actually doesn't yeah No I feel like you do I mean I feel like women definitely

I've lived with women that are culprits of that for sure Well mine is just six straight up So like, but if it was one that I had to like pull, you know, it's a lot. You just take it right on the top of the. I'm a replacer. So like, I think it's probably just laziness. Is that a therapy term? What?

I'm a replacer. Yeah. If I can answer this, uh, clinically, I'm a replacer. I'm a replacer. Okay, one more, one more. Oh, God. Why are men so terrible? All right, let's go.

Give me what you got. What's one? This was across the board was, um, do we ask, do we ask, actually ask why can't they multitask? No, they actually answered it. Okay. Why can't they multitask? Because they are, we compartmentalize things. So like I said before, our brains are like literally designed to hone in on one specific

thing. It's why we can become obsessive. It's why we can like really fixate on things and like just ruminate about it. It's like our brains are designed and wired to like fixate on one thing at a time. And the research has shown that women are far more likely to be multitaskers than men. Duh. Yeah. Okay.

Last and final one. It's a little deeper, but why do all men think you're in love with them? Ashley never wants you to leave. And we get a whole episode about this. I want to end on a good one. No, this episode is so funny. We always joke that like you give a guy like a half smile from across the room. And he's like, she wants to fuck me.

She wants, she wants to fuck me. Right. You go on one date and they're like, oh, man, she's so into me. I'm going to break her heart. It's like, we just had like two drinks. I went home. Like, I'm going to be fine.

She's just not that into you, you know? I mean, what's your, what's your take on this? My take is that men, the same reason that men don't want to have the conversation with you when they, like, instead of ghosting you. It's, I think men assume that all women are like so delicate. So, like, I looked at her from across the room. Of course she is to be in love with me. Like, I think that men just think all women are like so emotional and ready to have kids.

Yeah. Yeah. That's accurate. Yeah. Yeah. I would agree with that. That's it. Full stop. We win the game, I think. You didn't even know you were playing. But once you said the scheduling the trash, you were out. Like that that's going to be the take of it. Yeah. You didn't even know that you were losing. Scheduled the trash taking out. Connor, thank you so much. This has been so wonderful. Like I personally sit here and listen thinking of how much editing I'm going to have to do. And there's like none. everything you said was wonderful and we're so glad to have you. We'll have to have you back.

Yeah, you're really phenomenal. Thank you so much. Please plug yourself. I'm sure people want to listen to your podcast, your website, your Instagram. Yeah, send your men to at Man Talks on Instagram. Check out the website, mantops.com or Connor Beedin.com. And tell them to come out to a men's weekend or come have their ass kicked by me. That's awesome.

Yeah. Great. We'll tag that. We'll tag you and everything. I'm just curious. how many men will be at the weekend. Do you want to go? No.

I do. All these broken men, I'm like, I'm here for you. I'm here, guys. We have his two special guests. Yeah, right. Just to pray on you. Put all of your problems inside of me. Who can we fix?

Put all your problems inside of me. Who can we fix? I'd be like, who can I fuck? Raise your hand. Who's funny? Yeah, who is so broken that it translated into humor. Is it like a dozen guys? Like 20?

I'm just curious. About 20 guys. Okay. Wow. That's what I... I have a friend in Atlanta, he does some men's retreats and people have been,

like, loving them so much. I think it's just like so important to get these men together, talking about their feelings. And that's your website? Yep. Conradivine.com. And I mean, we work on like what sabotages.

You know, I do like a lot of shadow work. And it's hard. It's tough work for a lot of them, but... He means shadow of the psyche. He doesn't mean like weird shadow. Yeah. Not like, just stare into your shadow. I'm actually bad man.

Well, Mark of Flanagan, this has been such a plight of pleasure. What is his name? Yeah, the fuck is this guy's name? It's Connor Beaten. My name is actually... Shut up, Mark.

Okay. Actually. Mark, thank you so much. Mark, this has been a pleasure. Can you please call Mark when he comes on your show, Connor? Yes, of course. No one knows a Connor. That's a fake name.

Okay, guys, you listen to you can find us at GirlsGottyepoddypodcast.com, Stupid Liveshows.com, girls got eat underscore, Got to eat on Twitter, Ash Hess, Raina Greenberg on Instagram. And we'll see you at all. of our shows. Remember, we still have limited ticks available for the Australia shows, LA, and a few

others. We mentioned them up top. But we'll see you guys there. Bye, guys. Have a good week. Bye.