Girls Gotta Eat - Inside the Male Mind (Part 2) with Men's Coach Connor Beaton

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Back by popular demand, we are welcoming men's coach Connor Beaton to bring us inside the male mind once again. We're discussing why men feel jaded by dating these days and the most common issues they're facing in relationships, then deep diving on conflict -- underlying reasons why your partner might be upset, how to understand him (and the situation) better in a fight, and more. And while we have Connor, we're asking him some burning questions including "Why do guys get heartbroken once when they're young then turn into fuckboys forever?" and "What do I do when my partner is insecure about my sexual past?" Before our guest joins us, we're celebrating Short King Spring. Enjoy! Follow Connor on Instagram @ManTalks and check out his podcast Man Talks. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Blueland: Go to blueland.com/gge to get 20% off your first order. HelloFresh: Go to hellofresh.com/gge16 and use code GGE16 for up to 16 free meals AND 3 free gifts. Buffy: For $20 off your order visit buffy.co and enter promo code GGE. Tushy: Get 10% off + free shipping at hellotushy.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's a very useful conversation because you might have two people in the relationship that have very different perspectives. One person might be like, yeah, we resolve things all the time. And the other person is like, I can't remember something that we've resolved. You know, like I actually have no idea what you're talking about. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. I just kind of glanced myself in the mirror and it reminded me the time you told me I looked ugly. I look so ugly today. I've never said you looked ugly.

You look like a colonial man. I don't know what my problem. I'm just going to cooperate. It's a bad face day. Yeah, it's a bad face day. Oh my gosh. Just potentially put an offer in a home. You guys.

Seconds ago, we're going to be homeowners. Sure, I won't get it. I'm not. No, you will. I don't know about this one. The market's like, go fuck yourself. I think this one, I feel it. I feel like my bone is this one.

You do? Yeah, I think this is the house. Do you? Yeah. Don't cut this. This is the one. You just had a feeling. You just caught a vibe.

I just feel like you're going to get it. I feel like the price is good. I feel like the, location is amazing. I just feel like it's low key, a little bit of a steal. It is a steel. That's why I think you're going to get it. Like, we're going to find out, yeah, we're not going to cut this no matter what happens. I'm fine to have you guys along the journey. Even those are, there's disappointments along the way. It is really disappointing to like get excited. Be like, here, take all my money. And then they're like, you can't someone else outbid you.

It's devastating. Like the one that we, I lost that I didn't get, like to drive by it. It's just like a dagger through the horror. I know. I feel so sad because I was going to buy the Twin House next to it. And it's so beautiful and big, that'll be our next house. But anyway, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. This is in Dewey Beach. Okay. Well, we just have three nights of incredible shows in Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, two shows in Portland. We just, we can't say enough about it. It was so much fun. And we hit our 100th show. 100th show. I cannot believe we've done this shit a hundred times. So the second show in Portland, listen, we had known this. We had done the math. And we forgot. We can't keep our shit together. We've

forgot the 200th episode. We know it and then we forget it in the moment. So we were staying on stage and rain at something jogged her memory. No, this is what happened. It was so crazy. It was an email somebody sent. It was about math. And she was roasting her friend about math. And I, I did this like in my head. I go, in all the shows we've done, no one's ever sent an email about math. And then it hit me in that moment. Thank God for you. Just to have that moment. We would have, we would have gotten offstage and beaten ourselves up and be like, how do we not address this? Never would have forgiven ourselves. So, yeah, two in Portland, one in Seattle, one in Vancouver, we're in Vancouver now about to head to L.A.

They were all incredible. We just love this part of the country and we love performing here and you know, Canada stand. Well, I just have... And in Portland stand and we love Seattle. I just want to say a couple things. To our audience, of course, we love that you just bring your friends, your squad, you travel for this. You guys just come out and have such like an open mind about what you're going to do in that room. It is the craziest nights of our lives, but I have to just give credit to Ashley because so much of these live shows are just, to your crazy brain. And so much of hiring the dancers and just inventing all these wild things we do has just been so much of your crazy brain. And they're so special and you work so hard on them.

And Bella now works so hard on them. And I just, I can't believe we get to do what we do. And so much of it comes from your creativity. And Raina, stop. I mean, I'm there too. And I love it. Of course. I can do it without you. But you have really, so much of this comes from your mind. and I just love it. And the giant jets that go off and the music and the playlist and the T-shirt cannons, it's just, it's you. And I get to like do this crazy, amazing show. And I'm so proud of it.

And we get to share it with literally the best people in the entire world. So thank you guys for 102 live shows. Well, thank you for saying that. That was like really heartwarming. I feel really proud. And you mentioned the dancers. So I just wanted to, of course, shout them out and hype them. In Portland, we had the blazer dancers for the Portland Trail Blazers.

They were just incredible iconic performance. Loved hanging out with them. They were so great. And then in Seattle, we had the Seahawks dancers just blew us away. We were just like, we can't believe we had the Seahawks dancers at the show. And then we had in Vancouver dancers from a studio called Formation Studio, Amy Chan, who was at the show, former guest, breakup boot camp. She gave us the wreck. And they put together the most incredible performance.

They came out into the audience. They had guys and girls. And it was just so epic. And so if you guys are in Vancouver around it, you can take classes there and just check them out Formation Studio, just have to plug them. So all three squads killed it. We love them. We always just like love hanging out with them.

And I don't know. And so many of them are, new friends. So many of them are listeners and they're so hype and it's so fun to have them be a part of it. And I think back to the very first show we did at like Caroline's where we had like a comedian open the show and then you and I walked up on stage. I'd never been on a stage before. And then we did like these improv theaters and city winters and to see it now with like the

giant grandiosity of it with NFL and NBA cheerleaders and Jets and T-shirt camp. And I love the evolution of it, and it's been so fun to, like, be a part of it because I've been in all the shows. And I mean, shout to Raina, who never stepped on a stage before in her life and came out at Caroline's. We were like, what's going to happen? And she killed it. She's been killing it ever since. It's so funny, though, because I just want to shout out the Boston Celtics dancers for giving us a chance. I feel like, taking a chance on an unknown act.

That's how it started. They were like, we would love to. We were like, really? We were like, you would? And now we're in with them. Like, we just have to make a call. Like, it's so fine. It's really just, it's really special to, I don't know.

I mean, everything is special, but it's this great thing to have this direct line to the NBA and the NFL. We're like, bring to those dancers. Yes, coming from Carolina. Yeah. But yeah, we are here in Vancouver. We're actually about to go eat some sushi. Emily is here. Emily Fedner, more Raina's friend, a guest from a month ago about.

And then we're going to head to L.A. we just, you know, we just don't, you guys know us. We're not trying to be in New York until May. I have been in, tonight, this will be my fifth city in five days. Oh, yeah, great. Stopped off in San Francisco for a day. That's a thing. But yeah, it's been, I feel great.

We've been killing it on the road. It's been fun. And it's just been a really good trip. I'm excited to spend some time in L.A. And you have some stuff that you're going to do in L.A. this week. We're doing a lot of stuff. We're doing some stuff for the new biz. It's launching soon.

We swear. probably, hopefully within the month. And so we have some stuff, some work stuff there. I'm doing stand-up solo Tuesday and Wednesday. So I'll post ticket links and stuff like that. So if you guys are in L.A., you want to come see me to do some stand-up. These shows should be really fun. I hope to see some of you snacks there.

Yeah. Well, I can't wait to be there. And as you guys know, just a couple more shows coming up before we take a few months off this summer. So if you want tickets to anything, you guys know, GirlsGadie Podcast.com. And if you're a new listener, we just have so many lately. I just love them. If you're looking for new episode topics, I've been wanting to say this for a while,

If you want a specific topic, go to our website, search it, and every episode we ever have done is there. You guys can see the different topics. I love that you said that. Okay. So really quick, we just want to chat briefly about today's episode. We are so excited. We have Connor Beaten back on, he's the men's coach. His episode in early 2020 is one of our top episodes of the entire catalog.

Of all time. I think it is of all time. So we had him back. Obviously, he's back by popular demand. We discuss all kinds of things with him today. conflict is huge. Like the stuff we talked to him about with conflict was like mind blowing even to us. It was really, uh, it was really incredible. So just know that that's coming. But I just want you guys to keep in mind that we bring Connor on to speak on behalf of men. So he's letting us inside

the male mind. He talks to men all the time. That's all he does for a living. So if you're like, well, wait, I don't, you know, I don't know if I like this. Not that you're going to think that, but just keep in mind, this is what dudes are saying to him. Like this is kind of the, the perspective that he's giving. He's got a perspective from a man and that's what he's here for. So we at one point we discuss expectations and I just want to be crystal clear that the theme of our discussion is never for women to lower their expectations. We just want to encourage everyone to, you know, all the time like consider your expectations if they're realistic for a romantic partner. I think that it goes about saying that like the baseline of expectations is honesty, someone's

going to show up for you, treats you well, all of that. Like we're never implying to like compromise on that with a person. That kind of goes about saying that's like baseline type of shit. But the theme that we always say is kind of wanting to change someone or wanting someone to be everything to you. in some cases, like, the expectations aren't aligned. It just might not work out for you. And we always, even in our lives, are always thinking about our expectations, adjusting our expectations.

And sometimes what we want in a person is not meetable, and that person just isn't it. And your relationship that you discuss is a great example of that. So just, you know, that was a lot, but that's what I wanted to say. Yeah. Connor comes from a perspective of somebody who has hosted and coached men's retreats for so many years and talked to men on a professional level about how they're feeling.

So he was asked to do that this episode today. and we just love his insights and I feel like he really like blew my mind with some of the communication stuff we talked about today. So I hope you guys are going to really love it. He is fantastic and he's a wealth of information. He really is. And I mean, I think the men that he's dealing with

are like guys that want to be better or, you know, like be a good partner. Like that's why they're coming to him. So like these are, you know, I'm not all, but I mean, because he says too, sometimes these guys are full shit. But like across the board, these are like kind of the probably the dudes you want to date.

You know, they're taking control of their mental health and ability to like be a good partner, be a good man in the world. So we want to make that clear that we're not like, ladies. So many people say like, well, so many people say like why do men avoid therapy? The people that are speaking to Connor are literally trying to go get therapy. Right. So people that he's coaching are like that. And yeah, Ashley and I couldn't have higher expectations. That's why we're single. Yeah. Actually, the episode was for us. We actually do need to lower expectations. Okay. So we got that out of the way. Next thing, it is short. King Spring.

I haven't seen this everywhere. When you said it to me earlier, I laughed so hard. We didn't come up with this. People always like to, we just like to give credit where it's due. And so I don't want to be like, girls are going to come up with this. We did not. It's just floating around in the meme universe. And it's so funny.

I feel like they're short kings are having a moment. And it's been like a journey to get here. And now it's like official. And I feel like even in like the movies and TV, you didn't use to see a lot of like taller women with shorter men. Now you see it all the time. Like I'm seeing it so much more on the screen and just awesome in real life and it's normalizing that. And I love to see it.

And just short kings are having a moment and it's short king spring. I think Zendaya did it. She's my queen. She is my fashion queen. I'm obsessed with her. And I think the short kings are having a moment in my life, not in yours. But, um, yeah, I'll let like a five-niner slip in there. I probably did this week.

Yeah, no. I mean, it's not. And that's even like, I mean, that's the average type for guys, five-nine. So short kings. I'm talking like these guys, five, seven, they're coming out. They're feeling themselves. They're going to be on these streets. So give a short king a chance. I mean, they've had to cultivate a personality and a job and a bank account. Unlike guys who are tall. Bella, Bella is disgusted. No. Well, Bella, you're not, are you technically a little taller than your boyfriend? Happening. See, you're not like in flats. He's not, he's not a short gang at all. You're a tall. You're a tall queen. Yes. Well, I'll give them a chance if you won't.

I'll take on two for everyone that you won't take. You guys are foot apart in height. Yeah. A short king is not, is taller than you by a lot. It's still tall to me. Yeah, for sure. It doesn't really apply to you. I'm talking to the women that are like, oh, he's shorter than me.

This is the season. And just try it out. Listen, I'm giving myself a pep talk too. If I had to find a guy shorter than me, you would be in elementary school. No, but listen, hear me out, ladies, if you're on the taller side and you're like, oh, I could never, you know, are you doing it? I do as I say. Not as I do.

No, I'm just kidding. You know me. I just like a guy that's my height. Now you're walking it back. You're not doing the short guy. I'll be here to fuck the short king. So maybe I'll do, I'm 510. Maybe.

Listen, I'll fuck. I'm gonna like a 5-7er. No, no. It's just 5-9. That's an average height. It's not a short king. You said it. Damn it.

I'm really just. Listen, I'm here for it. Everybody, again, everybody is their own preference, but if you were considering it, this is the season. Yes. I really can't recommend it enough. They have had to cultivate personalities for so many years while other people didn't. So get out there.

Same with me. A girl that was taller than everybody in class. Like I wasn't somebody people were interested in to date when I was growing up. I was like so insecure about it. Like, yeah, you got to be funny. Yeah. Probably a nice guy. Probably eat your pussy.

But I'm saying, okay, let me reframe this. Let me make my performance. my point, which I have not done so well so far. Also, guys, this is just jokes. Like, you know, date whoever you want, whatever height you want. It's just, it doesn't matter. But I'm coming at it from like a tall woman's standpoint. And I've said this before that most of the guys that I've dated seriously, semi-seriously, and tons of guys that I've slept with have been just right around my height, maybe like a little bit taller. I think the guy that gave me my first orgasm was like a little little bit shorter. So I love tall guys who doesn't, but that's usually not who I end up with. They're

usually guys that are not super duper tall. They're just like a little bit closer to my height. So while we're here in short king season, maybe the move is that women who aren't tall date men their height who are technically short kings. I think that's my final answer. Listen, they have a lot of love to give because less women have probably been dating them. Afrena, you've really just dragging them. That's her or not me. I'm not dragging them. You said that you didn't want to do it. I'm out here saying I'm going to do it. I don't know if this was motivational or not. But at Short King's Spring, at least on in social media and I like it. I like it too.

Well, guys, enjoy Short King's Spring and let us know the heights of the guys you guys are fucking. Yeah. So we were just in Delaware for my mom's birthday. It was so great. It all worked out. It was perfect. It was really so wonderful.

And even with all the drama around the group chat and my dad and everything, it like turned out totally perfect. And she was just floored and had such a good time. And I guess she was sort of surprised. She seemed surprised about where we were going. And then who was there? I think she didn't know all those people were going to be there. I don't fucking know.

It was really so special. The dinner was really nice. And I just loved being in the room with all those people. And I met some new people. I met some 70-year-olds that I became best friends with. Yeah. And we sat down for dinner. I drank a lot.

I try to keep up with your dad. There's no chance I could ever do it. And then we all gave speeches to your mom. Yeah. Guys, Raina started the speeches and just had the best one. Just kind of dropped the mic before anyone could get their shit together. This is unfair. I just,

I was like, I'll start. I'm a professional. I'd love to kick this off and have everyone have to follow it. I didn't even know we were doing it. I didn't even know we were doing it. I feel very, like, bonded to your mom, and I feel very close to her, so it comes very naturally to me to say nice things about her.

And then I threw in that she, like, listen to me at phone sex just to, like, make it funny. Yeah. And then you gave a speech, and it was wonderful. And then a bunch of other people gave speeches. And then I looked at you. You don't have a moment where you're like, I am so drunk.

I look to you and I go, are you going to give a speech? And you go, I literally already did. Oh, like, yeah. You weren't pretty drunk. It's just funny when it like washes over you, how drunk you are and you're sober to real, sober enough to realize it. Like, you were like, I already did it.

I literally just did. Literally just didn't. Washed over me that like I had already sat there and watched your speech. That is crazy. I did not realize that. I was not drunk at all. I woke up up. I was like, I feel amazing.

I was a little fuzzy. It wasn't so bad because we ate a lot. But I can't try to keep up with your dad. he's not a short king. Yeah, it was really good. So it worked out and Cindy 70 and it was super fun. And then we went to see this house. And I just put an offer on it.

So we'll see what happens. We'll keep you guys posted. Yeah. It was nice little bit. Ashley drove both ways. She would not let me drive. I tried. I did driving.

You really did. It was windy. We were in the snow squall. The music turns off. We had an emergency alert, snow squall. I was like, Raina, can you look up the squall? Also, it's spring. This is Short King's Spring.

How dare they? Why is it snowing during Short King Spring? It's fucking freezing. But you really did it. You drove four hours each way for one day. Wouldn't let me do it. But I tried. Okay.

Just a few wrecks. So Bridgeton Season 2 has started. I have watched maybe three episodes. Maybe only two. No, I think three. I'm loving it. I loved Bridgeton. I was a hardcore Bridgeton fan.

Obviously, we all miss Reggie Jean Page. But I like it. So it's like, it's like, I like it minus this person that we all lusted after. So that's missing, but I still really enjoy it. The brother is really hot. The brother's hot, but it's not the same. Do you have any wrecks?

I have one rack, and then we can move on. Principles of Pleasure, you guys, it is a three-part series on Netflix. It is so phenomenal, and they really break it down into just women feeling pleasure and accepting that we are, that sex is for our and. enjoyment too. And I think that this is really a new concept in the last few years that like women come during sex. And it is your partner's job to make sure that you feel as much pleasure as they do. And they talk a lot about the anatomy of a woman's body and the pleasure receptors in your brain and your vagina area. And there's some amazing former guests from our show. So Erica Lust is on it.

Also, Emily Nagaski, who is phenomenal. And I really encourage you guys to listen to her episode with us because it's a lot the same information and she was really, really so fantastic when we had her. You guys will love it. Check it on Netflix. Ashley's going to watch it too. Yeah, I can't wait to watch it. A lot of you guys recommended it to us. So we can't even talk about it more after I watch it. Yeah, they've tons of people in it, lots of doctors and then lots of just quote-unquote regular people just talking about what they like in the bedroom and how they accept pleasure and communicate that they want different things. So definitely check it out, guys. You are going to love it. Okay, it's time. Okay, guys. We are so excited to welcome back a

super special friend of the podcast guest. He has over a decade of experience as a coach, a speaker, a teacher helping both men and women from all over the world walk through their darkness and grow in the realms of mental clarity. He is the founder and host of the podcast, Man Talks, where he mentors men on how to become better fathers, husbands, boyfriends, brothers, leaders, and entrepreneurs. His book, Men's Work comes out early next year. He is a new daddy. Well, my gosh. I mean, I've been a daddy for a while, but now I'm officially, I'm officially, yeah. Could we have said father?

That's just, he's a new daddy. Connor, I'm sorry for her. He's probably to show Connor Bean. Yeah. Oh, man. Connor, I haven't been able to make it weird with somebody in a while. He jumped in and said, been a daddy for a while. I feel like Connor had to prep for this because the first time we interviewed him,

He was like, you guys are a lot. You know what? It's one of my favorite interviews. I had so much fun with the two of you last time. I was like, I didn't know what to expect, but it was a blast. It was so funny. And so I was just ready to laugh today. I was just ready to laugh.

So I'm ready for you. Well, we found you because your wife was also a former guest, Fianna Farran, and we talked all about family dynamics with her in late 2019. And then you were one of our last interviews before the pandemic inside the male mind. and people just loved what you had to say. So we're excited to have you back, Daddy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'll stop. Probably. I'll stop. I'll stop. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. So let's talk about your work.

Let's talk about what you focus on for people who are new to you. Yeah. I mean, you know, the majority of my work, I do some work with couples, but the majority of my work is working with men. And, you know, I work with men who are going through divorce. who are struggling in their relationship, who are just generally like trying to get their shit together. You know, I think that's the most sort of like blunt way that I can say it. Guys that sort of feel lost and are trying to figure out their career path or what to do in their

marriage or their sex life or, you know, their relationship or whatever it is. So, you know, I have a lot of experience in working with men and and trying to understand like what's going on within us because contrary to the, the narrative that men are simple, that's not always the case, right? That, like, we are just simple and we have simple needs. That's sometimes the case, but oftentimes it's much more complicated than that. Yeah, we don't love to, like, diminish anything and say, like, well, he's just a dumb guy. He doesn't get it.

We hate that. We like giving people more credit than that. I mean, some of you are stupid. Some of you are simple and stupid. But I also just love that, you know, shout out to the men that are coming to you in the first place that are like, I want to work on this. and not just glide through life, not knowing myself or hurting others or whatever it may be. I think it's more common nowadays, you know, for men to go to therapy.

You know, there was like during the pandemic in 2020, there was like a 34% increase in people attending therapy. And a lot of that was men. You know, a lot of guys lost their jobs and, you know, a lot of separation happened. And so a lot of guys were trying to figure out, like, what do I do? And how do I navigate this crisis? And so I think for a lot of men, it's becoming more common. And I think a lot of men are curious, right? So that old notion that you are stronger or you're a more capable or competent man for figuring things out on your own, like that lone wolf mentality, that's starting to break down a little bit, you know?

And so more guys are coming together. They're having different conversations and they're engaging in things that I think in the past, they normally wouldn't have, you know, because it would have been, they would have been made fun of for it or mocked for it. it or they would have thought that they're weak because of it or whatever the case may be. Well, a lot of people said, why do men refuse to go to therapy when we asked our Instagram story? Like, what kind of questions do you have? And that's a good answer for it. But we, I just, I think culturally, it's shifting where it's like hot, you know, where women are like, it's hot. Like, I love when I, guys, this is going to therapy on a date, you know? Like, it's so important. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, I think this is an interesting point, right?

that men generally respond to women's dating criteria. You know, like what women look for can actually influence how men behave and operate. So when women say, hey, it's attractive for you to gain some self-awareness and, you know, actually understand what's happening in your life and your health and your wellness, guys listen to that, right? They tune in. They're like, oh, you find that attractive. Like, okay, maybe there's something to that.

You know, maybe I should go check that up. maybe I should have a conversation with a coach or a therapist. And so that can open a lot of doors. I've always said that women sometimes can be the permission card holder for men to, you know, do some basic things like address the childhood trauma or the pain that they've been carrying around for a number of years. So don't underestimate your influence is all I'm saying.

We know. We don't. Yeah. I know you too, don't. No, but also, like I was in that relationship where I got my partner going to therapy, probably still is. and we were on a journey together. I was like, I'll go if you go.

You know, but I do think you just see women saying it's like sexy and it's not sexy if a guy refuses to work through his shit. Like, that's what you don't want. Yeah. Yeah, my boyfriend was in, we'll talk about him this whole episode. Ashley said that's my brand. We're going to talk about him the whole episode. He was in therapy and I would say a much better communicator because of it

and probably a better communicator than me. And I would say he even helped me with the other relationships in my life because he'd been working on himself for so long. understanding his family dynamics and his dynamics with friends and with alcohol and things like that. So it helped me a lot. And he was, yes, far and above a better communicator than I. So before we get in these topics, I'd love to just do like a vibe check on men in the world. Like what have you been seen a lot? Have you seen a big change post-COVID? I mean, are you, and if there's no answer to this, that's fine too. But are you seen any common themes that you're taking note of like this is kind of a lot of what men are dealing with, maybe particularly in in their romantic lives? Yeah. I mean, I think that, maybe I would just say that for most people, I think a lot of people have sort of fallen into this space of being a little jaded around the dating scene. And so I see a lot of men checking out from dating and kind of feeling a sense of hopelessness or, you know, like, what's the point?

Or like, why should I bother? And so I think that there's a lot of guys who are frustrated with like the online dating scene, especially the online part, you know, just being able to engage. and strike up a conversation. I think that for some men, it's become easier, but for a lot of men, it has become more challenging because they don't have the opportunity

to connect with somebody in person and kind of see them and be around them. And so for some men, it's become this game and this pseudo addiction of just spending a tremendous amount of time on Tinder or whatever their dating app is. And so I think that's a trend.

I think there's just like this general undercurrent and frustration around dating. And I think that the pandemic, you know, put a lot of people that were already in relationships into sort of like fast forward mode. You know, like if you had been dating for four months or five months and then the pandemic hit and all of a sudden you found yourself living with this other person, which maybe you didn't expect, you know, put more strain on the relationship. And so I think people are coming out of that and starting to reassess, you know, is this the right

relationship for me. Is this actually what I want? You know, am I ready for what this relationship is asking me for? Because I think for a lot of people, they found themselves maybe in relationships that they weren't expecting or in a more serious relationship than they had expected. Yeah, we joked about the great resignation. Yeah, so we were saying, we just felt like everybody broke up really right at the end of 2021. The great reassessment.

There you go. The great resignation from the relationship. Which we really support, you know, we really support you taking an inventory of your life and what you're doing, your job and your relationships and saying, is this healthy for me? Is this good? Does this, you know, add to my life in a positive way? Yeah, I do think that a lot of men are assessing what's happening, you know, like in every sense of the word. You know, I think a lot of men are looking at what's happening in the world right now. And I think that men that are fathers or are in long-term relationships are like, oh, shit. Like, how do I actually set myself and maybe my family and, you know, maybe my partner up for success in the future with all of the unknowns, you know, with what's happening in the economy, with what's happening in the economy, with what's happening. with war, with some of the legislation that's passed, you know, in the West.

I think that a lot of men are are starting to reassess and trying to determine like where they stand on certain issues and how to actually build a life that can sustain through the conflict and the turmoil. You know, we're living through some pretty troubling times. And so I think a lot of men are dialed into that and very aware. So I think that there's a lot of very serious existential questions that men are grappling with. I think that there's more practical questions that guys are asking.

Like, you know, am I in the right job? Am I happy with what I'm doing? Because the pandemic has shown me a lot about myself and what I've been tolerating at work or at home or in this relationship and what I might not want to tolerate any longer. So I think that a lot of things have come into question for the men that at least I've been seeing. For sure, I have another question. Listen, this is going to be good. We'll get into the topic. but I just, I feel like, all we have this, like, insight into, like,

hundreds of episodes. Actually, you do whatever you want. I don't care. I don't say it from here. No, I mean, so what we never want to do, what we don't feel like we ever do in the show is say, like, women, here's what you're doing wrong. But while we have you, do you see any frustrations that men are having with women?

Like, are you seeing a reason for being a little more jaded that's kind of coming from any female behavior? Yeah, I mean, that's a big question. That's a good question. I appreciate you asking you. yet because I don't think that that would normally be asked. I would say a couple of things. One, you know, I think that sometimes men feel the pressure to like be everything for

the women that they're with, you know? And I think in the modern times where a lot of women have stepped into, you know, they can provide for themselves, they can give themselves pretty much everything that they need. There's still this pressure that I think a lot of men feel to sort of be everything for the women that they're with, right? To provide, to protect, to like be emotionally intelligent all the time and to be sharp and to like always have a shit together. And, you know, and so I think that the expectations that not all women, but certainly some women put on men, are unrealistic, you know,

and I think that some men really feel that, but they don't feel like they can really even say it. You know, like, hey, your expectations might be unrealistic of me, you know, or give me. Or give me some time to at least grow into those expectations or give me the freedom and the sovereignty to say, I don't give a shit about those expectations. You know, I actually, that's not me. That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be. So I think that there's that. And then I think that the narrative that men constantly need to be vulnerable. You know, I think it's tiring sometimes. You know, I think that the expectation that women sometimes have that men should always be able to access what's happening within them and their emotions at any given moment and then be able to communicate them to their

partner, it's still for a lot of men, it's still foreign and they're working on it, you know, and they're figuring it out and they're trying to find resources and places where they can do that. But I think that, you know, some men, not all of them, but some men just need to little bit more grace, you know, and time to catch up to some of the changes that have happened. So I would say that those two things are the big ones. But I'm curious if there was certain things that you were alluding to. Like, was there certain things that you've been seeing that made you prompt that question? To me, like, while we have you here, you know, why not hear it from the source? Some with like a lot of the information. And I also see what you're saying. And we talk about that

too. And the two things that you said kind of go together. And like the world is kind of fucked and, you know, people don't know what they're doing with their careers and everything that you mentioned. And then men often feel a pressure to like provide for someone else. You know, it all, it feels like, that's not everybody's situation. That certainly wouldn't be ours. But I can understand the pressure of like, okay, so I now like, if I'm living a traditional life, I need to be like a breadwinner and like support this person and talk about starting a family and look at where. we're going to live together and it could be a lot. Yeah, I would just, I really would just emphasize, and I think this goes for everybody,

but you know, you're asking me specifically about what men experience in relationships. And I would just say that like some women, again, not all women, but some women really need to check what their expectations are of the men that they date. Because sometimes women carry expectations that are almost unmeatable. And the man that they expect their partner to be is a bit of a fairy tale. And then what happens is that they get into relationships with men and they're disappointed. And that man, you know, if he's a good man, if he's, you know, attentive and he wants to make that woman happy, he'll start jumping through hoops, you know, to try and become and give her what it is that she says that she needs. But I think that sometimes it can move into like a like a moving target, you know.

and almost like nothing's ever enough. And so I think that some men genuinely feel that. And sometimes it's not true, right? Sometimes a guy's like, that's just his fucking excuse for not doing the work. It's like, you know, you'll never be happy. And sometimes that's true where he's just using that to not have to do the work. But in some cases, it's actually women's expectations for the men that they're with. And so I think that we both have our part in relationship, right?

Men have their part in relationship and women have their part in relationship. And I think that sometimes the best thing we can do is to just say, are my expectations of this person realistic? You know, are they honorable? Are they fair? Or am I actually expecting this other person to be something or someone that they're not? Because that for a man can be incredibly frustrating. And it can shut him down where he's just like, I don't feel like you love me. I feel like you love this version of me that you want me to be.

And then in that way, a man becomes objectified. he becomes the object. And so I think it's just, you know, it's a good balance to just sort of check our expectations sometimes in relationship and say, you know, do I, am I expecting too much of my partner? And if I can consolidate some of this, what's the really important things? Like, if I'm not getting what I want or what I need from my man, can I bring it down to something clear and concise and direct that he can execute on rather than saying, here's all the problems that I have with you and here's all the things that I need you to change

in order for me to feel loved by you or in order to feel like this relationship is working for me. So I think that's just the insight that I would give. Okay. So let's get back into expectations. I think there are a great place to start, whether you're a man or a woman. You should check yourself and say, what can I expect from another person? And I can't expect this person to be everything to me, whether you're a man or a woman. I think that every gender puts this on the opposite gender or the same gender if you're dating the same gender. I think we're all guilty of these things. And we did this great episode about

weaponized incompetence and how men make women to feel like women have to do everything for them, that they can't help with the household chores or travel and planning. And no one in any relationship wants to feel like I am doing everything, whether it's emotionally, whether it's financially, whether I'm the only person initiating sex. And that's why Ashley and I can't say it enough. We encourage, this is all. You have a medical. That's why Ashley and I, encourage people to have friends and have jobs they like, get a hobby, and interest and make your own money.

Yes, please make your own money. No one person should ever be on the hook for being everything to you or 75% of everything to you. You should have a partner that fits in because you want them to, not because you need them to. Nobody should feel like that. And you're setting yourself up for a huge failure if you expect somebody to be all those fucking things to you because no one will ever be like that.

And you shouldn't have to be like that either. Like everybody that has these expectations, what do you bring it to the table? Right. Exactly. I appreciate that. Well, this person is like pay for everything and fuck you well and emotionally support. Yeah. Yeah.

Like who why? Be all your hobbies and, you know. Ashley is to do all that for me except she doesn't have to fuck me. She's off the hook on that one. But I think, you know, I think I think that's it, right? Is that, you know, I think that sometimes men feel that pressure to be everything for their partner. You know, I think the most damaging saying that's out there. is like happy wife, happy life, you know, that a man can't be happy unless his woman is happy.

It's like, how fucked is that? How crazy is that? You know, and then that man is, you know, basically becomes beholden to making sure that you feel okay all the time. And he then becomes, you know, this is where things like codependency and emmeshment come in because a man then starts to try to do everything in his power to make his partner happy at the cost of his own independence and his own happiness and his own well-being. And so relationships work really well when two independent sovereign beings enter into the dynamic and don't completely lose themselves

or expect that the other person needs to be everything for them so that they can feel okay, right? That's codependency. I need you to take care of me. Otherwise, I'm not okay. And so I think that's the big one. I think the other thing is not expecting your man to be vulnerable. all the time or at least not expecting your man to be vulnerable when you think he should be.

I see a lot of women that are like, you should be vulnerable right now. You should share your emotions right now. You know, I see. I see. Yeah, that was great. That was a great look. Like, I feel attacked. I did feel attacked. I was like, you should be vulnerable all the time too much. Yeah. Right. So I think that it's challenging enough sometimes for men to crack open, you know, to really stay open, to open their heart, to let their partner in. And, you know, there can be a bit of resistance when it's like, you know, dance monkey. Like, do it now. You know, be emotional now. And like, I want you to be emotional now in this conversation. And the guy's like, well, but I'm angry. You know, it's like I don't have access to that right now.

Or I haven't processed this and I don't really even know where I stand on it. So how can I be vulnerable with you and open with you when I, I haven't even discerned what I'm, what I'm feeling or experiencing. So I think that just lessening the pressure and the relentless expectation that a man needs to be vulnerable when you think he should be. I think that's the really big one. And I mean, it goes out saying that everybody handles conflict or emotion differently. I mean, I remember reading a book so long ago that men typically need to retreat and figure out what's going on before they come back and have a conversation where women are like, we're going to talk about this right now. But then on the flip side, a man leaves physically and a woman's like,

he's leaving me. He's breaking up with me, you know, and this can go with any gender. But a lot of that is checking like, this isn't a breakup. This isn't him, he's about to walk out on me. He just might need a moment. And I think no matter what this conversation goes about saying that like people should have expectations and relationships. And we know plenty of people, men and women where the bar is too low. So I think that obviously goes without saying. But there's a huge spectrum. Um, yeah, obviously the healthiest best relationships are in the middle. Yeah. Absolutely. And so what we want to talk to you about, you posted this video about conflict resolution and communication in a relationship and feeling like you are explaining your point of view and trying to convince the other person of your point of view and stopping that.

And so many things that you're talking about is sort of feeling like your expectations aren't being met or heard or understood. And so we want to help people to figure out how to communicate those things better. And a lot of things when we asked, you know, let's get inside of the mind of a man. the responses to this Instagram story was about communication. And why does every time I bring something up, they think it's an attack? And I think that you'll articulate this really well in terms of how to listen better and communicate better.

But you posted this video, and it reminded me of this argument that I had, and I want to sort of talk about this communication issue. With my ex and I, we had sort of not a great weekend. Ashley was there. She can vouch for me. He wasn't great all weekend. and I was going to try to address what had been happening.

We're in a car and we're driving and I was trying to talk about why we were sort of like not getting along. And I thought I was using language like, I hear you, I see you, I understand you, your feelings are valid. And he kept like screaming back at me. Like, you're not hearing me. You're not listening. You're not understanding what I'm saying. And I kept being like, but I am listening. I am trying to understand.

And he felt really not met. And I felt like, I don't know what else you want me to do. I'm being nice. I'm not yelling. I'm not swearing. You're not hearing me. I'm not hearing you. So sometimes when two people come to this impasse, I don't know what to do. And you had some great advice about like not trying to sort of convince somebody of your point of view. Yeah, I think two things that are really important about this because we all get locked in this conflict cycle, you know, this poor communication cycle. I feel like every couple that's, every individual, whether they're in a relationship

or not, can be like, oh yeah, I've been there. But it's really two things, right? it's number one, not trying to convince the other person of your point. And number two, not trying to convince them that you understand them. You know, where we normally go as, yeah, I do hear you. I do see what you're saying. I do understand what you're feeling. And your partner's response is very vital information. Very, very vital information.

So if you say, I hear you and I get what you're saying and I understand how you feel and they keep saying, no, you don't. and you get engaged in trying to convince them that you do, then the two of you are in a losing battle. So what we need to do is say, okay, I don't need to convince you that I hear you. You're telling me that I don't hear you. So how come?

Why is that? So we just inject the situation with a little bit of curiosity and say, okay, what do you think I'm not hearing? Or what do you want me to hear? Or what do you think that I don't understand? Or, you know, what are you feeling right now that maybe I don't know about? you know, and so we start to change and alter the way that we engage with them by getting curious

about what we might be missing. Because here's what happens in those situations. One person, like your partner, your boyfriend at that time, he was in a dysregulated state, right? His nervous systems activated. He's angry, right? He's upset. Was he driving, by the way? I was driving. And I think, by the way, at the core of this, it was that my expect, he didn't like what my expectations of him callback were for the weekend. And I'm like, I'm panning. You're like, oh shit, he's already answered it.

She's like, why did Ashley bring that up at the beginning? I mean, I know why he was upset. It's just we were on this trip with all these people he didn't know. And with Ashley, and I think that the expectation is high to get along with the no, Ashley was great. I think the expectation that he gets along with my best friend, that he fits in with all these strangers, that he fit in. And we were in the Hampton.

It's not like the greatest environment for everybody, you know? Yeah, it just felt like a little bit of fish out of water at some point. Yeah, I get that. We as men are very in tune to things like resources and social status. And when we feel like we are quote unquote batting out of our league, insecurities come up, right? Shame comes up. And when we feel like we don't belong in an environment,

we still feel those things. You know, I think some men will deal with it better than others for sure. But I think that some men will get into that environment and become a little bit more reactive and defensive because their value might feel like they're in question. You know, how do I want to say this? We as men still feel like the expectation from most women is that they're looking for men that are able to acquire resources, right?

Men that are able to go out, not just monetarily, right? I'm not just saying that. But like men that can be good in social situations. men that can acquire a good social network, men that can acquire information, you know, or understanding about things. And so that like acquisition is still a big expectation for us. And so when we enter into environments where it's like, wow, I'm really out of my league here, you know, and there's people that maybe know more than me and are worth more than me and can make more than me, then that can put us into a bit of a defensive place because we feel like our value in the

partnership might be in question, right? So anyway, to go back, I mean, I just, that's it. Yeah, that's it. And I just, I'm so glad we talked about this. Rain and I've both been in these situations. And our instinct is like, look at all these amazing people around, you know, like, because we like to surround ourselves with people that like are smarter, more successful, make more money. That's how you elevate. So it doesn't intimidate me or quote unquote, emasculate me. But I can, it's not everybody's like that. It's different. And I can see where a man would to have more of that intimidation and feel like less than. So that put it into perspective past situations that I've dealt with.

And I probably had it all wrong where I was like, this is amazing. Look at all these successful people with like that got their shit together. Don't you want to like them? Not that I'm saying those words. But everybody's being nice to you and this is fine. And I'm introducing you to really cool people. And you know, as I reframe the scenario,

the way you're talking about it is he was saying you're not hearing me. But what he really meant is like your expectations of me in these situations are unfair. And I need you to see that. And listen, I'm not a mind reader. None of us are mind readers. We don't know what another person is feeling unless they tell us. And so I like what you're saying is to just say, like,

well, then help me understand it. Let's dig a little deeper. Instead of me just continuing to say, I hear you, because I didn't hear what this person was saying to me. Because he wasn't saying it. So let's go back to Connor literally asked who was driving and then we spiraled. So 20 minutes ago, I was driving. Yeah.

So just as a general rule, in relationships. Don't fight where you fuck. So try not to fight in bed. And try not to have really important conversations in the car. What starts to happen is, especially in the vehicle, one person's attention is not on the conversation. And so no matter what you're doing,

no matter how much you're engaged and you're trying to listen and all that type of information, what the other person is getting is, I don't feel like you're paying attention to me. you're physically facing away from me. You're doing something else. And so try not to have important conversations in the vehicle because statistically it's not going to go well.

I'm laughing because also I started the fight. I started the fight. And then he's like, you're not listening to me. You're not a place to listen to me. I was like, I think you're a little morose this weekend. And I just hit a button, you know? And then, yeah. Because you probably like, look, here's the thing.

Most women are in tune, right? you knew what he was feeling, right? You knew what he was feeling. You knew you were on it. You were dialed in. You're like, I feel you. I feel that something's up with you. You know, your intuition went off, right?

Is that true? Yeah, I was, I mean, Ashley, too. Like, I mean, everybody could see that he wasn't really his best self. But like, of course, I knew. I mean, I was like, I woke up every morning and fucked you in this house full of people. How lucky are you? Like, but he, yes, I was very in tune to the fact that he was not okay. Yeah.

And what was that like for you? To be in relationship with him in that moment where he wasn't okay. and you knew it, but you didn't know what was going on. I mean, you're just, you can't be present in any situation. And, you know, I wanted to have fun. It was actually's birthday. I want to enjoy everybody. And you're constantly feeling like, I want to make sure this person's okay,

but they're also embarrassing me. And so in turn, and, you know, you want to protect them, but you also want to protect yourself, you know? So both things are happening at the same time. Yeah. So in that moment, you wanted him to figure out what he was feeling. You wanted him to express what he was feeling so that you could, what? I wanted to enjoy myself.

and I wanted him to enjoy himself. And I don't want to have a conflict in a situation where it should be fun and nothing happened. And everybody's here to listen to you and feel good. And I don't know. I'm explaining it well. I mean, maybe you're, I mean, maybe Rayna's, like she said earlier, her expectation was unrealistic. She wanted him to fit right in and be, you know, the life of the party and be like one of everybody else was there where he felt out of place.

And like he wasn't as valuable like you alluded to. So essentially, you wanted something that probably wasn't a realistic. solution to the conflict. Yeah, I think just like tuning into noticing like that he was having a response, right? He was having a reaction. He feels off. And that you're trying to understand

what's going on for him in that moment, which is normal. But I think getting curious about what are you actually feeling, right? Come back to curiosity. Come back to curiosity. So I think just for everyone that's listening to this. Yeah, let's zoom it back out outside of this particular fight and go back to like.

If you find yourself in that moment where whatever the circumstance for the situation is, and you're the grounded one, right? You're the one that has a little bit more emotional capacity, right? Because sometimes, there's usually one person who's a little bit more shut down, a little bit more reactive, a little bit more angry or volatile or whatever the case may be, and you're the more centered, grounded one. Then lead with curiosity, right? What are you experiencing right now? What's going on inside of you, right? Do you feel like I understand you? No, you don't understand what I'm saying. Okay, what do you need me to understand or what specifically do you want me to hear? So you have to stay in a space of being open, of being receptive,

of not becoming defensive, of getting curious. And then from there, you can engage that other person in the conversation to say, okay, well, I want to understand. So help me understand. And then it's their responsibility to communicate it. And they might not be able to in that moment. And so you might need to honor that, right? Because it's, the other person might be overwhelmed or shut down, right? They might have cortisol just like ripping through their body and adrenaline's going and they're emotionally hyped up and they're just like, I can't even talk to you right now. You know, I don't even know what to say.

And so then it's like, okay, no problem. Let's pause this and come back, you know, to this in 20 minutes or in an hour or two. Or, you know, you come back to me and let me know when you're good to talk about it because I do genuinely want to understand. And then in that way, you're honoring that person's emotional experience. You're telling them that I want to understand you. I want to hear you. And I get that I'm not.

And the door is open for us to have that conversation. I love that. And a lot of it is patience, which I struggle with. Like, you're wanting to fix it now. That's the human thing. Yeah. But like, I can see a situation in which you're like, like you said, how can I understand you being curious?

And they're like, I don't fucking know yet. Like, I haven't figured out why I was pissed off. this weekend or like I haven't figured out exactly where this is coming from. I had an ex that would just flip out of me and it was like for stuff that I thought was no big deal and like he would come around and realize the trauma that it stem from. I don't say that like to take it lightly, but it was just like, why did you just yell at me? Because I like interrupted you. It just happens, you know, and he was like, because I didn't feel hurt as a kid. I mean, you know, it just kind of came back to up. Sometimes it didn't. We're not laughing at that trauma. But like he was self-aware enough to usually figure it out, but it may not have been

immediate. So in the immediate, we're just fighting. Yeah. To Ashley's point earlier, like, it's not, a lot of people feel like if you tell them you need like an hour or a break, they think it's a breakup. And I'm like that too. I'm just like, I'm here. I'm in it. I want to talk. And not everybody can get there. And like there's probably rejection wrapped up in that too. Like I don't want to be around you right now. And like that hurts, especially if you haven't dealt with it before, especially if it's on the newer side of a relationship. Yeah, yeah, especially when communication is just like starting to form within the dynamic. But I think, you know, for a lot of couples, it's that there's a history of one person saying,

I want to talk about something and that turning into an argument, you know. And so there's a pattern that has taken place. And so it can kind of feel like an attack because historically that guy or that woman looks back and says, well, every time that you want to talk about something, it turns into an argument, nothing gets resolved. and then we're disconnected. And so I don't want to engage in that. Right. So I think that some couples actually need to have a conversation of like,

do you feel like we're able to have conversations about things that are not working in our relationship and resolve them? You know, that's a very useful conversation because you might have two people in the relationship that have very different perspectives. One person might be like, yeah, we resolve things all the time. And the other person is like, I can't remember something that we resolve. You know, like I actually have no idea what you're doing. talking about. So that's a good starting place because you want to get to a place. Like I always tell

men, find a woman that you want to do conflict with. Because it's not that you're going to be in a relationship with a woman where there's no conflict. That's like the male fairy tale, right? Where you'll just be in this perfect. That's the male fairy tale. I love that. Nothing will ever go wrong. Everything will be perfect. And I'll never have to engage in an argument and she'll just always be happy. Right. And so that's not real. And so the reality is, is that you want to find someone, and I think this is applicable for women as well, but you want to find somebody that you trust enough to engage in hard shit with, you know, to engage in conflict with, to engage in arguments with. Because the, you know, the reality of relationships is that you're going to, things are going to come up about you,

you know, and that other person. And you need to be with somebody that you know you can work through that stuff with. And sometimes we put ourselves into relationships with people that we know we can't work through things with because we're recreating something from our past, right? Because we are recreating a childhood wound or something that happened with our parents or, you know, an ex, which I think we'll talk about later, but find somebody that you are willing and wanting to do conflict with and make sure that they're on board with that, right? Not just the good stuff, but the challenging stuff as well. I want to ask you a question about something. or you said a couple seconds ago,

and you said that like, there's these couples where one person feels like, we work through stuff all the time. Then the person's like, no, we don't. Like, how is it possible that two people

are living in completely opposite reality? I have my hypothesis of why. The main thing that happens is that in most relationships, you have an over-communicator and an under-communicator. And so you have somebody that is communicating, and they think that everything's going well

because they're constantly, saying like here's what I'm disappointed in here's what I need from you. Here's what's going on. Here's what I'm feeling. And then you have the other person that's under communicating and they don't feel like things are actually getting resolved because they're generally not bringing forward what it is that they're feeling, thinking, wanting, needing. And that creates that imbalance.

So how do we combat that? Because I mean, I've dated, well, by person I was engaged to at the end. He said, you know, I realize I've told you for years that you were right in all of these fights. And I didn't feel like you were right. I just didn't know how to like explain how I felt. And so I feel like I was losing all the time. But I was living in this world of like, I'm killing it.

We're getting along really well all the time. So like, how do we- Like, you have no idea what's coming, bitch. I hate you. So I'm listening, we had a lot of, listen, I'm making myself like such a shitty girlfriend. I'm great. But in general, like, how do we combat that? Like, one person just keeps telling you that you're great.

It is so crazy. I remember when my ex and I broke up, we had just gotten our first Christmas tree. like, we're doing great. We're killing it. I was like, wait, we just, I mean, we were fighting all the time. I should have seen the right on the wall. But, like, I was like, wait, what? I thought we were about to, like, put the Christmas tree up.

And you just dumb me. And he's like, well, what I'm going to do? Then I had, I cried at Home Depot. It was a mess. Anyway, Connor, back to you. That's great. Yeah, tears at Home Depot, yeah. Well, so just to be clear, what you're asking is, how do we prevent that?

How do we work through the house? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that we need to move towards having reality checks in our relationships. You know, like I think that we actually need to sit down once a month or once a quarter and actually just like check in with our partners and say, how do you actually think of things are going? You know, how would you rate our communication right now? How would you rate our sex life? You know, and actually have a gauge, you know, if you were running a business, for example, there's certain metrics that you would look at within the business to say, we are actually crushing it.

financially we're doing well. We're selling products, we're moving things. But in relationships, we don't really have litmus tests that we bake into the relationship to ensure that what we think is happening is fucking real. And so we can be living in a completely different reality than the other person going along and going about our business. And they're having a very different experience. And so part of really healthy communication and a relationship, and this is something that my wife and I do all the time. It's like, how do you think things are going? You know, how are our finances? How is our communication? How do you feel sexually? You know, do you feel connected right now? How do you feel within our intimacy? You know, just like checking in in some of these very basic areas to see are we

actually connected and then asking questions like, what do you feel like I've missed in the last couple of weeks, you know? What don't I know about what's happening with you? So those very simple questions that we can engage our partners in. And whether or not you, you know, you schedule that time where it's a very informal conversation where, you know, once a month or once a quarter, you just go for a walk and go for coffee and have that conversation. I think that integrating a litmus test into a relationship to ensure that you're both on the same page is vital, vital, vital. That's the fact that you just said it twice. So I think that this is such a practice makes perfect thing. I think that some people have never done this. They've never considered it.

Some people don't want to do it because they don't want to hear the answer. So this feels like if someone's hearing this and they're like, that's a foreign concept. Like, it's probably not going to be so easy the first time. Like you guys are pros. So I just, this is something that the more we can talk about and, you know, normalize for lack of better word, people can just like get better at it. Yeah. And I think pushing yourself to get uncomfortable, you know, like, I think that within our culture, we over-prioritize safety and comfort to a degree that that just erodes relationships and erodes intimacy. It's like if you want to have a great sex life, it's fucking uncomfortable, you know?

Like you have to have some very real conversations with your partner. If you want to have a spectacular relationship, it's uncomfortable. You have to get uncomfortable in having the conversations that you don't want to have in admitting the things you don't want to admit. And especially hearing the things you don't want to hear, from your partner. And we just, you can just start small. You know, you don't have to like go ham on this. You can just start with like what feels like a bit of an edge for you right now. It feels like a conversation that you've wanted to have that feels manageable. You know, maybe the check-in feels like

two or three steps down the road or maybe that feels manageable for you right now. But, but honor where you're at right now and honor where you're at by meeting whatever edge you're at right now and get a little bit more uncomfortable. I think that's great. I mean, they do, they do that. This is like such a stupid reference, but they do that on love is blind, the show where they say, like, what would you write a relationship on a scale of one to ten? And, you know, one person's like, 10. And then the other person is like seven. And then the other person's like, why? You know, and I think eventually you come to the point where you're like, oh, it's only a seven. Let's talk about this. Like, what can I be doing? Because it's not a 10 all the time realistically for most couples.

Well, and it's good because it gives you a much clearer sense of where things actually stand. And, you know, I get a lot of messages for women that are like, why do men ghost me? Or I was dating this guy for six months and he broke up with me out of nowhere. Like, why? And it's like, well, because of this, right? Because you were probably living in two different realities where you thought things were going well and he didn't. And neither of you actually talked about it. So being proactive and engaging with this is essential. Yeah. Oh, I totally agree. And we talk a lot about like blind inciting people on this show and I'm the uncomfortable like whatever the whole episodes of my ex when we broke up it wasn't such a shock in a good way because we've

been having these conversations and checking in with each other of like I'm not happy well actually I'm not happy either and here's why and like we talked about those things and I think we both realized they weren't going away they weren't like let's go to therapy and fix them they were just were a bad match for each other so I think that like when people break up and you seem fine it's not that like I was fine and great it's just we had to 15 of these conversations. I was I was fine at the end, you know? And I agree with you. Have these conversations that are uncomfortable. Yeah. And most men will, again, most men, not all guys, but most men will engage in that, right? Like they also want to know where you stand. You know,

they also want to know, are you in this relationship? Especially if it's a long-term relationship, you know, especially if a guy is investing his time and he thinks if it's going a specific direction. He wants to know unequivocally that you're on board with it. You know, that's, that's pretty important. That's pretty important for most guys. So I think if there's a story that you have that guys don't want to have that conversation, maybe just check it. Because I do think that a lot of guys would engage with it. And if they are super avoidant, then maybe that's a red flag that you need to pay attention to. Right. Right. If a man is unwilling to have a checking conversation of like, how do you feel like our relationship is going? And he just shuts down, you know, and he

won't engage in it and, you know, it's been months of this, then that that might be something that you want to pay closer attention to. Or it's like something you just really would feel like it's going to hurt your feelings probably. I mean, which is not good either. You know, if it's going to be like, I know a couple that I feel like she probably would say she was whinesided, but his reasons for not wanting to be with her were like, I feel like you're lazy and not motivated and you're not contributed. You know, like it wasn't a match ultimately, but those things can be hard to say. And I think women have a little bit

sometimes better vocabulary or way to go about things where maybe a man that's not as evolved can't think of another way to say, I think you're lazy. Right? I don't know. I agree with actually because how many women

sit around with their girlfriends for hours and days and weeks and unpack this and talk about it? Think of new verbiage for it. And like men are doing that with their friends. You know, like I don't... I'm not apologizing for men. But like, I understand. that it is not the norm for men to sit around with all their guy friends to talk about this ad nauseum.

I mean, it is for me. Me and Ashley are like, how many adjectives and synonyms can we have for this thing? Well, I think it's, you know, I think it's a good point, right? It brings up what I was talking about before, which is the expectations. You know, I think that we as men and women have to find a better center ground because I think that generally men lack expectations sometimes in a relationship, you know, we can come into a relationship and be like, okay, if the sex is good and I really enjoy, I spending time with you, then that's sort of good enough for me. And I think women sometimes

have different expectations. I think it's part of the reason, not the only reason, but I think this discrepancy is part of the reason why it's different every year, but something like 70 to 80 percent of divorces are initiated by women, right? It's because the expectations that women have are different than the expectations that men have. And I know a lot of men who have gotten into a relationship, gotten into a marriage, and then all of a sudden, you know, it's not working out. And they're sort of blindsided by, she wants a divorce. Like, what the fuck? I didn't know what was going on. So I think just both men and women need to alter their expectations, right, to take up a little bit more space and then also check to see where we, you know, where we can like let some of them go.

Yeah. Why do you? I don't want to be like, why do men? Because I'm sure women do this too. I'm sure I do this too, but why do they feel the need to offer solutions every time you've told them that you want support and comfort rather than just listening? Because I think it can be a very frustrating dynamic for somebody when they're like, I just want to cry and vent and like lean into this. And the other person's like, let me fix this and make you solutions. And I think it can be a very frustrating dynamic. Yes. Yeah, totally. This is so common. Okay, how do I say this? men love feeling wanted. Like we want to know that we are needed in a relationship.

And for most of us, what we do equates to who we are. Right. So for a lot of guys, it's like what you do as a man is paramount to who you are as a man. So what you can offer, you know, what you do for work, how you operate in relationship, like all those pieces inform who a man believes that he is. So when his partner comes to him and says, I have this thing going on at work, I'm really pissed off with my boss or with one of my coworkers, he hears an opportunity for him to help you by solving your problem. Right.

And so that's how he's listening. Which is good. Yeah. He's listening from a place of, oh, you have a problem. I can help fix this and provide a solution. And for men, that's very rewarding. Right. In our life, we generally.

feel fulfilled by problem solving, you know, by looking at things that need to be fixed and we fix them. And there's a sense of value that we get in that moment by fixing something or solving something or whatever it is. Does that answer your question? Does that give you some insight? Do you want to? Yeah. Yeah. And we have insight on this in general. I mean, it's better than the alternative. It's better than a guy just being like, that's crazy and like not really listening. You know, so like is it, do you feel like it's as simple as like, I just need you to listen right now in like a kind way, not like, can you just fucking listen? I don't need your exclusions. Like, and I just want to vent a little. Yeah. I just want to like cry on your shoulder right now. And, you know, I love you for trying to help me. But sorry. I was like, I got this guys. I'm on it, Connor. Connor, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to mansplained. Do you? Thanks, Daddy. You can just, you can take this one off. Oh, my God.

So generally what you can do is you can either have an agreement in your relationship that you're going to enter into these types of conversations by saying, you know, I want to share something with you. And all I need from you is just listen. I actually don't need you to fix or solve or give any advice. I just need you to hear me out and ask what that's like or to understand what I'm feeling. So you can have that agreements in place or you can just preface it. Right. You can say, hey, you know what? Something happened today. And I want to share. it with you and I just need you to hear what I'm saying. I don't need any advice at all.

Because I'm smarter than you and I got them. And sometimes for guys, like we'll, you know, we'll be like, oh yeah, okay, that's great. Like all you need from you right now is to just listen to you. I think that some guys try and step in because they hear their partner maybe complaining about the same issue over and over and over again. And so then they're like, okay, you've tried to deal with this on your own and now I'm going to interject because you haven't figured out how to move past this. And you keep coming to me. And so the more that you come to me as a man telling me that there's a problem, the greater,

the pressure that I feel internally to help provide some sort of a solution so that you are not in distress so that you are not feeling something that that you say you don't want to be feeling. And it's annoying. And I've heard you complain about this over. And I've heard you fucking complain about this for the last four months now. We're saying that from our standpoint. Like when we with dated people that are just like, well, let's fucking fix this because you're annoying me with the same problem. Yeah. Yes, I agree. Yeah. So, you know, I think that there's merit in just saying like, here's what I need from you right now. And when they try and step in and fix, because it's like an ingrained behavior for most of us guys to just reaffirm in that mom and like,

hey, thank you. I love you. And I just need you to listen right now. I just need to hear me out. And then look for opportunities to ask for support. You know, if there are things, in your life and in a relationship where you do want some advice, you know, where you do want some support. That can be invaluable, you know, for building connection. I also think not every problem has to go to your male partner. I mean, that's, and that's, you know, not necessarily everyone's belief, you know, people, they're best friends.

I got to share everything. But, like, I have friends who are married and, like, my best girlfriend would come to me with some complaining, venting, talking shit, getting something off her chest. she may never tell her husband because she knows that it's his instinct to want to fix it, which is amazing and to be supportive. But like he might not, she knows him after 10, 15 years that he doesn't really give her the reaction that she's looking for. So she's coming to me.

Like the same with you might call your mom or go to go have drinks with your girlfriends. Like not every single thing that's on your mind necessarily needs to be lamented to your partner. And that's just something to keep in mind too. Yep. I love that. I think that that's perfect. and look for opportunities to bring things that he can contribute. Yeah.

You know, like I genuinely think that part of the discrepancy in a lot of modern relationships is like guys don't see where they can contribute to their partner's lives, you know, because I think a lot of women are like, I just want you to be emotionally connected to me. And he's like, okay, I'll work on that. But are there also other things that I can support with that I can contribute to? And so if you know that the guy that you're with likes to solve problems and is good at, it, bring them a problem sometimes. Yeah, have it.

Get his perspective. Or put some furniture together. Like, give something to do. What? Is that not what we were talking about? I don't know if that was exactly what we were talking about. Oh, that's all I need. Just stuff around home.

I need like housework. That's a sheet. You could love that shit. You know, some guys are like, I want to build furniture. I can't reach light bulbs. Yeah. That's what I need. Right.

I can't reach stuff. I can't reach stuff. I mean, I got this. You know, I actually is my therapist. We've talked about that before. I mean, we had a girlfriend that she's so capable. She's so high functioning. She's a lawyer.

She has everything for herself. And she was now this guy. They're married. They just had a baby. And she was saying that he had offered to help her with her move. Offered. Who does that? Like, this guy is in love with you for one.

Who wants to help someone move? And she was very like, no, I don't need help. I got it. Like I got, you know. And it's like, maybe just let him come and carry a box. Because clearly he wants to feel needed by you. what a great opportunity to show him that you could use him in your life because you really got it on everything. And she was like, okay, maybe I should let him know he can do a thing for me.

I remember I was speaking at an event a few years back like pre-pandemic. There was probably like five, six hundred people in the audience and this one woman was asking this question around like, why can't I keep a man, you know, like why can't I keep a guy in my life and maintain a long-term relationship? And so as I started to dig in, it became very clear that she was directly and indirectly telling that man that she didn't need him. You know, that she was so independent and so sovereign and so solo that she's like, I don't need you in my life. And it's like, okay, well, that might be true. You might not need him. But he still needs to know that you want him in your life.

And so he's going to want to know like anybody, if you're in a relationship with them, just like you would, that there are certain things that you want. on with him, you know, to do with him, to explore with him, and the ways that he can contribute to you. So, you know, I think that that needs to make a little bit of a comeback here and there. Okay. Do you feel like we wrapped up? Yeah, we wrapped up. Ashley's some kind of questions. Connor, do you have a hard out? We just, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. Let's rock. This is going to be a long one. We don't care. What are you guys doing? Where are you guys going to go? I'm trying the audience. Not to you, Connor. You have a kid. I thought you were talking to who the fuck are you talking to him. I was like, right? I was like, right. It was off the rails.

Because you were just like looking off in the distance. And I was like, are there people in your studio? Like who are you? Talking to you and Ashley and Bella are a sister. Right. I was like, do you have a live audience over there? I don't know about.

We have a live studio audience. Yeah. We did like a little war dogs. Yeah. I just met. I met the audience where you guys going. You're not going to go. Oh, man.

All right. Let's talk about something that comes up all the time. You know, we've talked about it with a lot of these guys who have, what's the word? Victims. Guilty of it. They're not victims. They're victims. Victim.

They're the offenders. But, you know, this getting heartbroken by a woman really early on, it seems like it's college. Usually, I think most people have evolved past high school breakups. But first serious love, college, early 20s, and they just kind of, we wrote on our notes that it turns them into emotionless robots or fuckboys. But, you know, we know guys that they're good, nice guys that they don't give us fuckboy energy. they've been friends of ours in the past, but we would have never date them because we know this information.

And so it just seems like it's so hard for them to commit. And it seems to tie back to this like one asshole that was 22 years old. But this like I opened my heart up once and look what happened. I mean, is it as simple as that? You tell us. Yeah, not necessarily as simple as that. You know, I think it, it, so I'm going to talk, just talk for a moment about like male culture a little bit.

and I think that also will give some insight into why this happens. So within male culture, there's generally something that I call the one rule of men that I've written about and I've talked about. And that the one rule of men is very similar to Fight Club, which is I don't talk about what it's like to be a man, especially when I'm suffering, especially when I'm struggling, especially when things are going wrong.

So when things are going wrong, I don't tell other people what's going on. I don't tell them how I'm feeling. I generally keep that shit to myself because the expectation is that I need to figure out how to deal with it on my own. And for a lot of men, because of that one rule, that you don't talk about what it's like to be a guy that, you know, God is heartbroken or a guy that lost his job or, you know, his dog just died or, you know, his father passed away and he absolutely loved his father. Because of that sort of social rule that's been in masculine culture

for a very long time, that's now starting to come down, you know, that's starting to dissipate in a road. A lot of men, when they go through the heartbreak, they go and talk to their buddies and they say, hey, I'm really fucked up. You know, she broke my heart. And they say, what do you think that they say? Actually, I'm just curious. Sucks, man. She's a bitch. None of us like me. Yeah. What else? That sucks. She's a bitch. On to the next. I don't know. Go on. On to the next. I don't think there's a lot of like, listen, I don't want to like diminish every man on earth. But like, yeah, I listen now guys talk in groups. And I don't think there's a lot of like, let's unpack what happened here.

Also, we're talking about younger. We're hurting. We're younger, right? Like when I was in my 20s, I mean, I was that guy, right? I was that guy that would give that, just be like, well, you know, that's terrible. Like, let's go get shit-faced, you know, let's go drink ourselves into oblivion. And so what most guys get in that moment is how you deal with that pain is to drink it off and fuck it out. Those two things, right? pour some whiskey on it, rub one out, go get laid, maybe a lot of times, and then that will have

dealt with it. So the pain that they felt in that heartbreak never gets dealt with, right? And so they start to repeat this pattern of, well, I'm just going to continue to avoid that pain by just getting laid more, you know? And when I get into a relationship, then I don't know how to open myself up because I've conditioned myself to deal with that sadness, that pain, that fear by just being emotionally closed and by having more sex or drinking more, smoking more weed or whatever their coping mechanism has been. And it's no knock to them. It's just that we culturally, for most, guys, we haven't taught men how to actually deal with their own pain, right? We haven't taught men how to metabolize and deal with when they're hurt emotionally, you know? And,

And so we've kind of done men a disservice and expected them to just be able to rebound from shit like that when what they're told is just drink it off or fuck it out. And it's usually from other guys that maybe haven't gone through that or they're uncomfortable. They're just like, I don't know how to help you. I want to help you solve this problem. And the only thing that I can think of is let's just ignore it. Right. Let's just stuff it down, numb it out. And maybe it'll just go away. Right. So a lot of men have been taught that how they deal with their pain is through avoidance, is through suppression and repression. And so they just, they just move to that mechanism, you know, and you've probably dated guys that have gone to this, right?

They lose a parent or they, something's challenging at work, and they start to move towards suppression and repression and avoidance. And it amplifies the problem later on. And so what happens to most guys that have been heartbroken, they separate in that moment, loving and fucking. And, never do the two meet. And so what happens for a lot of men is that they get into relationships where they can be sexually connected and maybe there's a depth of emotional connection, but they're afraid to really be in love. And then eventually someone comes along that cracks them open again and it messes them up, right?

Really messes them up because all of a sudden now they start to feel again. Maybe they can't perform sexually or they, you know, they struggle to really be engaged. with that woman, even though they really care about her and they love her and they start to become needy and a whole bunch of shit happens. So it's not that those fuck boys stay that way forever. Some of them do, but most of them stay closed until they find somebody that really cracks them open. And then oftentimes she gets a bit of a mess because all of a sudden all of his emotions start to come out and he might be, you know, overly emotional or whatever the case may be. So I'm just going to pause there because I just said a whole bunch of stuff.

Oh, I think it's really valuable. I think we've all dated these people. And I think that one of the things that I think is so important about male, female, platonic friendships is that you check in with your guy friends as a female because I think oftentimes men on men conversations. They're not encouraged to talk about this stuff. And so I think a lot of mine and Ashley's really close male friends have talked us about stuff like this. And I think it's important to try to do that for men for the future women that they're going to meet. And I think the women are probably listening to this thinking like,

okay, well, I'm dating this person or I know this person. And is it worth like sticking it out or is it just all hopeless? And I don't know what the answer to somebody like that is. Like I have friends like this that are fucked up fuck boys from one girl. And I would say, do not date this person. Don't try to fix him. You can try to help him. But don't try to be the person that fixes them.

I mean, and Connor, do you see men you work with that this is their story? And then that's obviously the way they came to you. I mean, these people need to be doing work with Congress. and other other resource. Like that's like, I think the self-aware man that realizes this happened is going to do some work on it. And don't, you don't want to date him until he does.

Yeah. And there's no amount of fixing him or waiting it out that's going to help. Yeah. I would just say as a general rule, like stop trying to fix the men that you're dating. Yep. Like, it's shocking to me how many questions I get from women on Instagram who their question is essentially, how do I fix my man? Like, how do I get him to change?

You know, how do I get him to alter his behavior? And I'm like, well, like, you don't and you can't. But it's not that you, it's not you can't be with that guy. It's that you just need to be very grounded and solid in what you will tolerate and what you won't. And it's on him to heal. It's on him to do the work. And so you just need to pay attention to, is he willing to do that, you know? And because a lot of men are, you know, a lot of men, they get cracked open like that. And they're like, okay, I'm going to go to therapy, you know, or I'm going to hire a coach or I'm going to join this men's group. And they start to dive into like, what the hell happened? And they start to process it and work with it and deal with it. And so, you know, if you're with a guy that is doing that, great. If you're with a man who gets cracked open and, you know, maybe he's just smoking more weed and drinking more, then maybe that's a red flag that he doesn't want.

want to deal with it. He's not ready for it. So I think it's case by case, but yeah, you're certainly not going to fix it. And notice that if you continue to attract these men, because some women do, some women continue to attract these guys that aren't ready or are closed off emotionally, then notice what is within you that's trying to save these guys, right? What is it that you are getting out of that dynamic? Because sometimes women find themselves continuing to attract men that are closed off that are emotionally hurt and they are convinced that they'll find a man that they can save in some way, shape, or form. It's like, well, if I can just help him open up and feel again, then he'll love me and then I'll be safe because I know that he won't

leave me. So, yeah. That was really, like, profound and great. I'm not looking for a project. No, no, we're way past that point. But I mean, I think we all have that. I think, I think everyone can relate to that. I mean, I'm thinking when I was a little younger, like, of course, it's like, that's another dumb fairy tale. You're like, oh, this broken fuck boy, I'm just going to change him. And like, it's just, it's not realistic. But we, I think we can all relate to it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like the beauty and the beast narrative, you know, that like you'll change this rough, ragged dude into like Prince Charming and it'll be a fairy tale, right? That's, that's a part of it. Yeah. Well, yeah. The beast was just, Disney fucked us all up, basically.

That's what he's like, doesn't he just fuck this all out? We have a friend though that does a bit. Hannah does a bit about the beast being like tall. He had this great home. You know, like he was like a catch to start with it. He just wanted to be alone all the time. Right. Yeah.

Like I think she's like, how tall was he, you guys? He was like 70 tall. So funny. Okay. So we have one final question coming from two slats. No, I'm kidding. A bunch of slots. A bunch of slots.

A bunch of thousands of slut. Ashley and I wrote it actually. We got a question for you about men getting jealous or weird about your past sexual experiences. This can take form in so many different ways, whether you've slept with a lot of people or just generally more experienced. I mean, it's broad, but... Yeah. So, yeah, I think that a lot of times within sexual experiences like this where a man is insecure, because I think that's what you're saying, right?

It's like a guy will get jealous or insecure about your past or, a woman's pass? Yeah, I think, you know, a lot of women have been in situations where guys like, how many people have you slept with? And you're like, I don't want to get into this. This is not going to be good for us. And how to feel like, you know, they're getting, like, jealous or where that you've, like, fucked a bunch of people before them, you know?

Yeah. I think in these types of situations, some men have, have this notion that if a woman has slept with a lot of guys, that it's going to be very challenging for him to satisfy her in a long-term relationship, that there's this. notion that she's always going to be sort of looking for, you know, maybe a better lover, you know, somebody that will satisfy her more. And so that causes him to be pretty insecure, right? I think it can be a mirror of a man's insecurities around his own sexual capabilities. You know, it can bring up a lot of that. Like, am I enough? Can I perform enough? Is my dick big enough?

Can I last long enough? You know, am I going to make you come hard enough? Like all of those types of pieces start to come up and he starts to question all those things which gets him in his head which then takes him out of this sexual connection. So when that starts to happen, it really like fucks with him and it makes him not as present in the sexual connection, right? Like when you're actually having sex. So I think for a lot of guys that that comes up. And I think that the last piece is kind of what I was saying before is like, how do I know that you'll really be satisfied? You know, there was this great show, not so great. It was pretty terrible, actually.

But there was this show called Sex Life. Did you guys watch that? Wait. I was like, I get sex added. That was like my favorite show, Connor. And I wouldn't say it was like, yeah, like you said, like not a great show. I was just so horny. Like I couldn't.

I can't. It was one of the best. We like watch it as a group in this Hampton's house because it rained all weekend. And I was like, I can't believe we're watching this as a group. Like after I, after the show ended. Oh, so a crazy thing happened. I was like so juiced up. from the show and from Brad that like I like met this guy and Hinge and like invited him back

to the house that night. Like it was wild and it turned out that he was like not good looking and it was a whole story that we've told on the podcast and that the live shows and stuff. And it's like his hilarious story within our friend group. But like I was like feeling some type away from that show. Anyway. But that's so that's that's it though. Right. That's exactly it. That's exactly. Yeah. Because every man. But she was also still like. Sure. But from that from that, From that guy's standpoint, like the guy, like in sex life, so just for people that haven't seen it, there's a woman that's married to a guy. He's very successful at what he does. They have two kids together.

They live in this big, beautiful house. And on paper, it looks like she has everything that you could ask for in a marriage and relationship. Right. He's great guy. He's very nice. Cooper. Yeah, he's like super loyal, just like a genuine salt to the earth, dude. But she's had this past, like, really intense, really intense.

relationship with this guy named Brad. He's super tall, super good looking. They fuck all over the place. They have like this crazy, crazy intense sexual connection. And Cooper doesn't know about it. Her husband doesn't know about it until he, you know, finds out some, you know, that she's been pining over him, right? Thinking about him again. And so I think for a lot of guys, the question is, will you ever be as satisfied with me as you were with him, right? So what Cooper goes through in that show, what her husband goes through when he finds out that she had this crazy sex life with this other guy, it's like, well, how can I possibly ever satisfy you?

How can I ever make you happy in the way that you were with that guy? And will you always want to go back to him? Because notice in that show, they did a really good job of presenting it, right? She constantly thinks about wanting to go back to him and wanting to you know, have sex with him again. And so I think for a lot of guys, they worry that that's going to happen if you have had these like crazy intense sexual experiences. That's not condoning. I'm not saying that that's right or not. I'm just explaining what what happens. I think that some men will be much more comfortable with it. You know, if they're comfortable in their own sexual energy and their

own sexual capacities and they're just grounded in who they are and what they can provide, whether that's sexually or not, then I think it will matter, it matters less. But I think that men who have made sex mean something really important. I think what I've noticed for a lot of guys is like when they've either had very little sexual connections in the past, they get very insecure with a woman who's had those types of experiences or with guys that have put a huge emphasis on sex in the past and have seen themselves as like this ex rock star and all of a sudden there's like oh there's competition right it's like there's competition out there and i don't know if i'm going to be your very best and i think that that's a part of what happens like i read this quote one time

i don't know how how true it is but it was like men want to be a woman's very best and women want men to be their very last right so it's like i want to keep you around and for men it's like i want to be the one that knocked your socks off in bed, right? So there's a little bit of that going on. I think of it in almost like a backwards way of like the problem to me that we see a lot is like a woman hasn't slept with enough people and she starts to wonder what else is out there after she settles down. Like I feel like you want a woman that's done a lot and she chooses you. You know, like what you don't want is a woman that slept with three people never really got dicked down that well, doesn't know what she likes in bed. And then she commits with you and she doesn't even know what

she likes or wants or what does please her. And then she starts to fucking listen to our show and like see what else is out there. And then she wants more. Like, yes. The dream to me, I'm speaking to all the guys out there that worry about this is a woman that has done a lot and still wants to fuck you. Yeah.

What Ashley is saying is that we are the dream. And we are so many people. We are so sexually active and open. I'm not saying this just because of myself. But I do feel like you see that. I think that sometimes women also underestimate how. little men have actually explored what they want sexually outside of watching porn, right? And so a lot of men, when they meet a woman, it's like, oh, you're sexually liberated.

You know what you want. You know how you want to get down. It brings up on them like, well, I haven't explored what I've wanted either. You know, it's like I was reading the staty the other day that it's something like 31% or 32% of men under the age of 29 are not sexually active now. So like this huge population of men under the age of 30 aren't having sex, right? Like they've had sex, but they're like celibate, they're in cells. They're not sexually active or haven't ever been sexually active. They're 30-year-old virgins. They're not.

Yeah, so there's a lot of guys out there that haven't, that haven't. Bella just looked up as by last. Bella's like, mm-hmm. Okay, but you bring up something that is interesting that having a lot of partners does not mean that you're that sexually experienced. Like, just because he, like, ran through, like, the cast of every one-night stand at every bar. Like, doesn't actually mean you know anything about, like, I would argue that somebody who is

in a long-term, healthy sexual relationship where they tried a bunch of stuff and a bunch of holes, they're probably more sexually experienced than somebody who's, like, gone home from a bar with, like, 50 different women. Oh, yeah. You learn nothing about yourself. I slept with a ton of people, and I feel like I didn't really even do anything crazy until probably I was, like, 25 with, like, one partner that kind of opened me up and showed me a bunch things.

Crack you open. Yeah. me up and clean me out. That's a Christosephanov. But, but, okay, I want to go back to like this, what do you feel like a woman can do if she's feeling this like jealousy? First of all, you shouldn't be with somebody that's like slush-shaming you and being like an asshole.

But if you're, if you know that that's happening and they're being kind about it, you just, you know what's there. It's underlying this insecurity. Like, what could she do? So I think, you know, like to go back to the example with sex life, like she didn't talk about how she wanted to fuck, right? Like there was very clearly a lack of communication. in what the sex life could have actually looked like.

So, you know, I think it's about engaging and not, I don't want to say not settling because I feel like that's cliche, but to not allow yourself to fall back on like not engaging in the hard conversation because the other person feels insecure. So I think that there's a huge relevance in being able to say, you know what, let's explore some of the things that you want to explore. Like what do you actually want to try out? You know, what do you want to explore that you maybe haven't gotten a chance?

to explore. Because then for him, it puts the ball back in his core and he's like, okay, well, actually, I haven't done this thing and I've always wanted to try it because maybe he was one of those guys that just went out, had one night stands or, you know, hasn't had a relationship where he's been able to like really go into the depths of what he wants to explore sexually. So open that door with him and then see if he'll walk through it. Right. So and then, you know, maybe there's merit in just having the conversation of what does it bring up for you? Like what's the story that you tell yourself about my sexual past because I think it is sometimes good for him to just say like, I don't know if I'll ever be enough, you know, and just like get it out in the open. Like,

whatever he's thinking or feeling, just get it out in the open. So again, he's not living in a different reality from you. And then you can continue to have the conversation of like, okay, well, how do we want to explore sex? You know, what do we want to, what do we want to do? What do you want to explore? What haven't you done before? And start. to engage in that. And I think that'll bridge the gap in a lot of ways. But stuff. I mean, I think also, like, you're saying that men, like, want to be the best. So maybe a good solution would be that you guys do stuff you both really never done with anybody else. Like, and that's part of that exploratory. Like, what are you into? Here's what I'm into. Like, I don't know. Like, I have

never done anal. So I feel like if a guy was worried, like, I just can't do these things. All these other guys have done. I'm like, there's still another hole that no one's even did it. We haven't talked about this while. You just said I've never done anal on this podcast. in years. I bring out the best in you. All the relationship stuff, the sex stuff. Someone can still be the top because there's a hole that's untouched. Untapped.

Literally untapped. Oh, man. And I can tap your butt hole if you want me to. Like maybe no one's ever touched your G spot because all guys have a clay in their butt. and I can do that for you. Connor, you have to go. Oh my gosh.

That was great. I love this. We could talk to you forever. You just speak on this stuff so well. That goes about saying. This has just been such a wonderful conversation. I love chatting with you. And honestly,

I would come back whenever you want. So I'm happy to dive in and I can't wait to listen and get a message from my sister being like, what the fuck did you talk about on that show? Because she listens to your show, by the way. Oh, my God. We love that. We're happy to have her.

What's your sister's name? You don't tell it. Hi, Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Well, people are going to be very excited to find. You have a great Instagram. You have a great website. You've a book coming on next year to you'll promote.

But tell everybody where they can find you. And guys, also, you can find Connor's episode inside the mail mine from, is it February of 2020? Just early 2020. Yeah. Check our website. But everywhere else Connor work, they find you. Yeah, Instagram at Mantox. You can find the podcast there.

The website is mantalks.com. We've got a virtual group of men with like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of guys from around the world. So for the guys that are out there or for the ladies that want to send their men my way, send your dudes my way. I'm not dating a guy that is not involved in this. Connor, send your dudes our way. I'm actually working on that. I'm actually working on that. Just tell them about the anal thing.

Just tell them. I have an anal virgin. Connor's like I have hundreds and hundreds of men from all over the world that are in therapy. be, yeah, I want to meet them. Lined up. They're doing the work. They're doing the work. They're good.

It's going to come to the man's script and masturbate. Okay. And then, do you want to talk about the book or it's too early? I mean, all I'll say is I have a book coming out called Men's Work in January. And it's a guide for men that are doing this work or are curious about it or wanting to dive in. Thank God. Can we get it out earlier? What do we have to do?

I've been working out of you. We'll just make our life easier. That's the manuscript, the unpublished manuscript. Like we're Ann Hathaway and is down. where it's from. Yeah, we're going to start passing it out. It's on the coffee table. And like, before you get inside of here, you got to get inside of that book.

Read it cover to cover. Just throw it. Just throw it at the guys. It's my chance to be about. Exactly. Oh, man. Well, we can't wait. And yeah, you guys follow Connor and everything.

Even just following you on Instagram, listen to your podcast will be like a wealth of information. I'm talking to the men if you're listening. And the ladies. Tell your brothers. Tell your dads. Tell your friends. Yeah.

Tell your dad. You never know. Dad, you're fucked up. Go listen to the Tell your daddies. Yeah. Tell your daddies. Yeah.

Tell your daddies and your daddies. Okay. Well, thank you again, Connor. It was great talking to you. Yeah, it was great talking to you. And you guys know where to find us at girls got eapodcast.com. Hit the website for merchandise show tickets where we have some left in a few cities coming up. And you can follow us on Instagram at Girls Got a podcast.

I am Ash Hess. Rain is Raina. Greenberg. girls underscore got to eat on Twitter. And we'll see you next week. Have a good week, guys. Bye.