Girls Gotta Eat - Is It Okay to Have Crushes in a Relationship?

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Having crushes in a relationship – harmless or unhealthy? We are breaking it all down with data from our listeners and discussing how normal it is, what counts as “harmless,” the differences between men and women having crushes, the “work wife” trope, when fantasizing becomes a problem, and more. We break down an article titled “The Secret to a Great Marriage? Crushes on Other People” and a listener email with the subject line “Happily married, but still fantasize about others.. is that fucked up?” We also share our own experiences (including Ashley’s current crush). Before we get into the topic, we are discussing the hot topic of couples fighting over food delivery costs, and Rayna has a tour announcement! Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Rocket Money: Reach your financial goals faster at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. ZBiotics: Get 15% off at https://zbiotics.com/gge with code GGE. Helix: Go to http://helixsleep.com/gge for 27% off sitewide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Crushes should be to distance. I love that. Yes, if that farmer's market guy slid to the DMs, oh, glad you liked the pasta, get out of here. You know I'm married. And now I can't have a crush on you anymore. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to eat. Welcome back. Mid-May. That is what it is. I'm gearing up to be in New York for a whole month. Yeah. So I will. be getting to New York today. And then we have some fun things this week. Raina's show in New York. I will be there. Oh, that's my special guest. Yes. I'm in the embassy theater Thursday night. Please come. Ashley will be at both shows. And then, yeah, I'm going to be on the East Coast for two weeks. That's crazy. And then we're going to see my family and then going to Boston for Memorial Day weekend, exotic.

And I'm so excited. I just haven't been in Boston. And so I guess I was in Boston for the Thanksgiving holiday. But just summertime, springtime, you know, he's just spent so much time there when I was in a long. this relationship. I know. So, like, so excited to be there. You surprised me with that. I didn't know you were going to Boston. It's exotic. I know.

People are like, what are you doing for the holiday? Going to my first Red Sox game. Oh, you've never been? I've never been. So that'll be next weekend. Do you care about baseball? No.

Do you like going to baseball? I just have always wanted to go to Fenway. I don't know why. Oh, because it's like a classic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know that movie.

This was so many years ago. Fever pitch. It had Jimmy Fallon in it. I actually only remember the cover art of that cartoon ball. Yes. Is that the cartoon bowl? Yeah, I think so. Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore.

I love this movie. It's such a deep cut. Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon in this rom-com. And ever since, I've just always wanted to go to Red Sox game. I feel like the only thing men do as a group as they get older is they go on like baseball stadium tours. Totally.

That's men's only group activity with each other as they get older. Well, we went to two baseball games last summer. And that was too too many, but it's fine. Like Shishonk just loves baseball. And so I will go to two a year. I have like PTSD because my dad used to drag us to every fucking Pirates game and talk the, he wanted to tell me about every umpire, every stat. I have truly never cared less about anything than baseball in my life.

It's a night, hypothetically it's a nice thing. It's just so slow. I just, I want hockey where they start to make out. I just, I love a basketball game. I mean, when we went to that Celtics playoff game, obviously love a football game. People are like, you could go and relax. It's like, I could go relax on my couch and not pay 50s. $50 to park and $20 for a hot dog.

I could go relax. Right. Exactly. I just, I've been at baseball games and I have been sitting there for one hour and I haven't looked at the score. That's how little I care. Because there isn't, it's like the score's two. I couldn't tell you who's ever won a baseball game I've attended.

Fuck no. But anyway, it's a nice experience and my husband loves baseball. So we'll be at that game. But that's next weekend. So we'll see you. We'll see you this week in New York City. Yeah. We'll see you guys there.

I'm so excited. And Raina has another fun special announcement, but we'll thank our partners. All right. Well, we'll thank our partners. Thank you to Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster at RocketMoney.com slash GGE and Zbiotics. Get 15% off at Zbiotics.com slash GGE with code GGE. And thank you to Helix.

Go to Helixleep. com slash GGE for 27% off site wide. Why? Okay. Announcement time. You guys, I'm very excited to announce this because I started to get really sad. Like, am I going to be done with this tour in May? and like, what am I going to do in the fall?

And what I'm doing in the fall is extending the tour. Yes, we knew you would. You guys knew she would. I think you knew I would. I didn't even know I would. Well, it's just like, what else are you doing? Truly, what else am I doing? And why not go tour the material as long as you can?

Yes. I mean, outside of you and I are touring together, this is the greatest joy in my life. I love it. The tour has just been so much fun to be with you guys. And I am adding 11 new cities. I'm going back to a couple cities, and I'm doing my first international tour stop in London.

So I'm very excited. I'm trying, as this airs today, so I'm announcing the tour today on May 11th, and I'll post it on my Instagram, all the tour stops, and the dates. It will go on sale May 14th at 10 a.m. local time. So Raina Grubrick.com, and I'll list the cities really quickly, but I don't know as we're recording right now what the London date is. I don't know. I was just thinking, I don't know any of these. Guys, I know, you're hearing this as the first time with me. I don't know what she's doing.

I know she's been working on him. She's talking about London. that I'm supposed to go, but I don't know what's happening. I think I'm moving it so you can be with me. So my initial date, it might still be the date. Who's to say? My initial date was July 4th, which I thought was like hilarious to do Independence Day in London. You hate to be in this country.

Yes. And America, who, if you will? I started thinking I wanted you to be with me, so I might move this October. So I don't know when the show is, by the time this air is it will be on my website and be on the tour poster. Okay, so guys check that space. Watch the space. Watch the space.

I've rescheduled Nashville and Salt Lake, so I'll be going back there in July, I've been kicking it off in Columbus, Ohio. Love it. Cincinnati, St. Louis, Indianapolis, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Stanford, Connecticut, Buffalo. Buffalo. Buffalo, baby. I feel like it's just a hopskin. I have adrenaline right now.

Oh, wait until you get away. I didn't know any of these. The last reason you're meeting, I'm going to be excited. Vancouver, Detroit, and then I'm ended it all in Vegas. November 12th, Vegas, it's a Thursday night. Come Thursday and Friday. I'm going to invite every person we're friends with. I want to do like Thursday night.

Friday night, like chain smokers, club, another club, bus. Like, I just want to go so hard. This is insane. And I'm adding, I'm revisiting two stops that I just couldn't add more shows. And so Seattle and Toronto, I am coming back to those cities. Oh shit. Because I wanted to add more stops. And I couldn't because I'm about, I'm probably came back in a body bag from the last

time I did those days. Definitely another cold this fall. Yes. So I'm curious which one you're going to cancel. It's going to be Ohio. I'm kidding. We love Ohio. We write for Ohio harder than any other performers I know.

When people are like, what's your favorite cities to perform? And we're like all of the Ohio cities. All the Ohio's. Okay. When is Vancouver? Thank you for asking. It's the day before Seattle. So October 28th is Vancouver.

October 29th, Seattle. When is Detroit? Detroit is 1111, November 11th. Okay, I like that. And then 1112, Vegas. I wanted to actually end this several weeks before Thanksgiving because I think people start to, like, travel. And I want you guys to, like, come party in Vegas. Obviously, Ashley will be there.

What's on November 1st? my anniversary. I took that time off to celebrate, actually. To celebrate it. That we may or may not be married. Well, congrats. Thank you. Buffalo came out of nowhere. Came out of nowhere. Because we've never gone there, not because we don't want to. And we have always heard that it's a great comedy scene and just the people are really fun. And so that's so great. I'm so glad. I'm really excited. So I just, I feel like I wasn't done. I felt like there was more to do. So this goes on sale. This Thursday, May 14th, Kendingham, local time, everything, I'll be my website, Rainagreebrook.com. Okay.

That's it. That's all I got. I can't wait. I love that. Okay. Congrats. So fun. And, of course, my comedic update is, you guys can watch my special.

It has been out worldwide. Yes, if there's any confusion. It's been out for 10 days now, 10, 11 days at this point. So you guys can watch it on YouTube anywhere in the world. Except North Korea. Except for a few countries, Eritrea, for one, which sounds vaginal. I thought that was an airline. I'm thinking of Emirates.

I don't know. It sounds just kind of... Arritrea. It sounds cute. It does. It sounds like a rich. But also sounds like something's going on with your urethra or your clid. And you can watch it if you're here in the U.S. on prime video, if you have a prime video

subscription. So two ways to watch. But anywhere in the world, with the exception of like three countries, you can watch on YouTube. And I hope that you guys have been loving it. if you have watched it. I know you guys love it. It's amazing thing. And we will have just done the Netflix as a joke festival last week.

So thank you guys for coming out for that. We're recording this before the show, but we're sure it was amazing. We're sure you guys had a fun, hilarious, horny time with us and the Chippendales and Bobby Westside, our MC. So thank you to everyone that made that possible. And we love being a part of this festival. And so thank you guys for coming out. And if you're looking for other fun stuff to do in L.A., now that the biggest comedy festival,

in the world is over. We have a go-to, and we've mentioned them before on this podcast, which is Camber. You speak camber app. Now it's Camber Places, which is camberplaces.com and Camber Places on Instagram. And this is just an L.A. guide, things to do restaurants. It is my go-to. I posted this a couple weeks ago that I send Shashonk reels or posts of restaurants and he makes the res. Like these are all of our dates, like all the things. we do. I mean, you introduced me to it. Tessa, when she worked for us, when we first, when we first moved to L.A., I was like, I need to get like, because, you know, we lived in New York, I had time out in New York and

infatuation and, like, how do I find stuff to do in L.A. now? And I was like, what are the accounts I follow? And Tessa suggested. She was like, I love Zabber. And I subscribed to their newsletter. And I just, I get so much, like, good stuff to do every week in L.A. from them. Even the founder, Maddie, she posts great reels, too, of just, like, tips of, like, travel, where to stay. So there's some cute reels. There's a cute reel of Ashley and I talking about Girls Night night out. If you subscribe to their substack, we're also on there just talking about L.A. in general. But I'm always looking for like a trusted voice in every city. Like I'm visiting

town. What do I do? That's the one I go to is Camber in L.A. I mean, I wish they had it in every city. It's that good. And of course, there's plenty of platforms. There's timeout in every city. But this just, I love what she does. I love what they do. For when I went to Laguna Beach, I took the exact itinerary from Camber. And then exact. Just start at their Instagram, which is camera places. And then you can go to their link tree and then you can find the substack. They have a podcast called Is There Parking, which is so appropriate for L.A. Obviously, you always go to know if there's parking newsletter, like we said, and just the reels. And the website is really great. They redid it recently. And you can look by like what you're looking for,

your neighborhood. I mean, there's just obviously so many neighborhoods in L.A. A lot of times you're like, I can't just look at all of L.A. I need to filter by the specific neighborhood. And we just love it so much. I mean, I got to a point where I was like, I can't bookmark anymore. I just bookmark everything they post. They did an Ohio one. I took the whole trip in Ohio. I did. Not one skip.

I just kept the way they create the content. Like every time. And I've never disappointed. You know, like I feel like sometimes you might see like a reel of a place of like, I don't know, a coffee shop and you're like, oh my God, it looks so beautiful, so exotic or something. And you go, they're like, what is this? Like you really catfish.

They don't do that. It feels really true to what you get. So check them out. If you give something to do in New York, I just want to tell you this because it made me I'm like obviously like a bagel, purest bagels are really important to me. You want to go back and forth about what's a good bagel, but you're willing to eat and what I'm willing to eat. And I'm just, I don't want to eat bagels outside of New York City. It's what I want.

It's just I, it's all I care about it. Other cities bagels, like, you just keep it to yourself. I don't want it. You can't do it good. But there's this thing. There's a festival called New York Bagel Fest and it's gotten so big. I mean, I think it's like five, six years already been doing it. It's at City Field now.

It's so big. And it's every bagel place in New York. And they've asked me to like be a, I think they asked both of us to be a judge, right? Okay. We'll do it another year. But they did their first L.A. bagel fest and I got served real about it.

And I was like, what is this going to be? I feel like that's rage bait. LA bagel fest. And I like the bagels here. I'm just saying it does feel like maybe who greenlit this. I was looking at like all that this real. Listen, I don't want to shut up.

These are all great. It's just not my style bagel. All the bagels, you got like little quarters of a bagel. People got like very creative with the top. There was like kimchi and salad. You know, I think they get too creative here. There's olive oil and there's just like honey.

Stop this. Yeah. Stop this right now. And I was like, are they going to tell us the name of any of these places? And the only owner that they interviewed in this real, she was like, our bagels are gluten-free, dairy-free, and seed oil-free. And I was like, oh, fuck this festival in L.A. No, fuck all the way off.

I want them to be, it's full fat. It is full dairy. What dairy? Am I crazy? What dairy is in a bagel? Eggs? I think it's flour, water, and alkaline. You put alkaline in the water and you boil it.

That's what makes the crust. Dairy free? Dairy free. Seed oil free. Shut the fuck up. Listen, I know people want to eat like this and good for you, but I don't want it. Tell me about a salad. I really feel for people who have to eat gluten-free.

I mean, we have a close friend who, I mean, she's gluten-free. And I sometimes, when we go places, like, she will get the gluten-free version of whatever. and I always take a little taste and I always regret it. I just bread is tough, I think, for whatever reason. I ordered breakfast this morning, which is very unlike me. And I did think, I thought about ordering gluten-free bread. And I was like, nah, enjoy your day. Yeah, it just doesn't hit the same.

But, I mean, I feel for them. They know it doesn't. It's a terrible life decision to make. A lot of people have Celia. I'm kidding. I'm not a choice. Yeah, I don't think we needed L.A. Bagel Fest. L.A. Taco Fest.

L.A. L.A. Pasta Fest. Thai, Korean. L.A. Salad Fest. Literally. Sandwiches? I would fuck with a salad fest. Sandwiches.

I mean, I could give you a ride. I've done every single sandwich in L.A. I'm like a connoisseur, like crazy pizza here is fantastic. Bagels, I don't want it. You don't need to do it here. You know what? I will accept that from you because you said you will give us, you will give us pizza. I think there's great pizza.

There's some of the best in the country. Yeah. We went to a great Indian place for us recently that I saw again. Canber, send it to Shashong Quimoumerez. It's called Badmash. It's in Venice. Such a vibe. Just give me a restaurant with good food and rap music.

You know I get so pissed if a restaurant is not playing rap music. And I know that's not for everybody. But I'm like, why not give me a vibe? I know. There is a restaurant. I'm not going to call them out by name in New York. And it was a place we spent a lot of time. And I know them.

And I was like, The music is just, it's always different. I never know what we're getting. and I asked the manager, and she was like, it's just whatever the hostess wants to put on. I was like, what? You just leave it up to the hostess. I can tell.

You guys are never trying to set a vibe. That's crazy. Consistency is key. I feel like you should know what you're getting at an establishment. I don't even know what you're saying to me. That's insane. So the hostess is having like an emo bad day.

Right. Sometimes I would walk in there and I'd be like, this has to be a joke, what's playing? Like, what if you got broken up with today? Right. Or like, it could be heavy metal. I'm leaving. I just want to listen to Bad Money all day every day. But like, also like, what if that doesn't match the vibe? I know. So anyway, but great experience at this at Badmash. Okay, well, so speaking of food, we have this article we wanted to discuss and discuss with you guys. So there's this article on the cut. It's called I'm over here meal prepping while he spends $100 on sushi.

It unpacks three different scenarios with three different couples and their spending habits around food. which we can break each one down and we will. I find it really interesting. And a lot of these questions are like, what am I allowed to say something about? What's reasonable? What crosses the line? And I think that this is like highly debatable

what you're allowed to ask of your partner in terms of how they spend money. I mean, you just, you got to get aligned about how do I see money and how do I see the rest of my life? And how do I value spending? Right. Yeah, it says the number of households that use food delivery services like DoorDash Grubhubhubhubh

Uber Eats has roughly doubled in recent. years. Obviously, that's not a bad thing. Pivoting to takeout, kept many restaurants afloat during the pandemic, yada, yada. But it's just gotten more expensive. Like, I can't, I mean, with the fees and everything, and as it should be, I mean, sometimes, like, I can't believe what some of these delivery drivers are running around and not making, you know, like I always want to tip and it's not about that, but it's gotten more expensive to get food delivered. And a lot of, a lot of these services, almost all of them, DoorDash, Grab Pub, Uber Eats, they charge the restaurant, a percentage, it's usually like 15 to 25% of the total bill. And so restaurants will pass those

fees onto the customers. And those menu items are more money when you order them on these things than if you go to a restaurant. So there's that fee also. So it's 20% more. It's a delivery fee. It's like just things that just say like fee and a tip. So yeah, it's expensive. Yeah. So there's three scenarios here. So the first one, a 27 year old physician's assistant lives in New York. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice. She says, my husband and I brought $20,000 in credit card debt from their wedding. It was worth it. But they basically agreed to put $1,000 each a month.

So $2,000 total towards the $20,000 debt. They'd get it paid off in under a year. And she says, I put in about $5,000 and he's probably contributed about $2,000. So he's not holding up his end of the bargain. And she says he's probably spending between $200 and $400 a week on DoorDash, which was not part of the plan. To be fair, it's not hard to spend that much, 100%. We live in New York. We're ordering one meal winds up close to $40 or $50 with delivery fees and tips and everything, doing that once or twice a day. Whoa, it really adds up. Okay.

So anyway, she just says every month, he comes up short on the debt payment, says he's doing the best he can. She says, I pointed this out to him. He gets defensive. He's busy. He's a paralegal to law firm and he works hard. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice, which is true. He doesn't even drink. I brown bag my lunch at work every day. When I've suggested that he try that, he's done it once or twice and then stopped for dinner, I'm pretty happy making rice in our rice cooker with mixed vegetables and an egg or something, but I often wind up eating his leftovers too so that all this food he's ordering doesn't go to waste. He does most of his ordering at work, and he often works until 8 p.m. or so he'll order dinner

and bring the rest home. I've told him that I'll wait until he gets home to cook dinner, but he says his schedule is too unpredictable. I'm not really sure what to do. I know that he feels guilty. I don't want to be a nag. I love him. I'm optimistic it'll work out, yada, yada. There are so much happening here. In the comments were lit up about this. Multiple parts about it. Her rice for one because he doesn't want to eat that. Let's reframe this nag thing for you just right away. When you are married to somebody and you have both made a financial decision to spend money and every financial decision that your partner makes now affects you, you are not being

a quote unquote nag. You have every right in the world to communicate with your partner about this. So let's, I don't care if he calls you a nag every day. You have every right to question your partner's spending habits. That's crazy. Yes. Like if you guys have agreed to pay off your shared debt and he is spending two. to $400 a week on DoorDash.

That's infuriating. There's a couple things. Someone was like, if he works till eight, his company should be paying for his dinner, but let's just say that doesn't. He can also walk down the street. I mean, you live in New York. You actually don't have to pay the delivery fees.

There's just other options. Like, I also get the like, this comes up a few times the article, being like a vice. And vice doesn't always have to be the word. It can just be something that brings you joy. You know, you work all day.

You're like, I don't want to eat rice with an egg. And I understand that. You know, I want to order, I want a hit of something. Like, I'm unhappy at work and I'm stressed. This is how I want to bring some joy into my life. But you've got to navigate that within your relationship because the underlying theme here is the debt and him playing in her face ordering $100 a week for food. I validate that.

That, like, we all deserve joy in life. And if you're like, I'm working at L.A. every day, I need some. I'm not spending this on drugs or alcohol or gambling. or t-shirts. I mean, there's plenty of people that spend $400 a week on new clothing. So if she was also doing that, like, why is his habit not as valid as her habit? But it sounds like, number one, she's paying her debt and he's not.

And there are alternatives to this. You actually don't need to spend $50 per meal. And I'm not saying you need to have a dollar slice for every single thing. But, like, you could spend half of that at least to feed yourself every day and still eat really well. It's just, if you're not paying off your debt, then you don't have them. money for this. Figure this out until the debt is paid off. It's like, I'm sorry. You guys had an agreement to pay off your wedding together. This makes me feel crazy. I know. I want my partner to feel that they have autonomy to spend whatever money that they want and whatever

things that they deem that they're hard-earned money should go to, but not when we have decided together to take a debt. I know, I know. So I dated somebody I had lent him. We were younger. He really needed money. I lent him $5,000. That was an insurmountable amount of money to me then. Yeah, totally. That was like 26, 27. Yeah. That was the most money I could ever imagine giving to somebody. But he was my partner.

We lived together. I was like, fine. I know where he lives. I'll get it back. Yeah. And he was a bartender and he'd get off work late and he would take cabs home. And I was like, okay, in any other scenario, makes sense. Like, if you work really hard, you work really late at 1 o'clock in the morning,

you should be allowed to take a cab, except when you owe me money and there's alternatives. Right. Like this was also like a six foot two man. It's different if you're a woman. You're scared to take a subway home in the middle of the night. But you're not scared. You're a big man. Yeah. I mean, when you owe your partner money, you have agreed to pay this thing off together, you have to be responsible.

This isn't just that like she doesn't like this habit of his. Is that he's on the hook for something they agreed to. I wonder what defense he has. These are not substantial defenses to me. Like, I work really hard. I need to eat. I don't have time to cook. That's still not a substantial defense for like I need to overspend on this and I can't pay back this. Yeah, and I really don't understand the logistics. Something is like a little shady here. Like you ordered it at work and you still got it delivered. You couldn't pick it up on the way home.

Again, like it's what, 10, 20 bucks you might save by picking it up. But it shows your partner that you're not spending frivolously. 20 bucks is a lot. I mean, if that's like $50 a meal versus $30 a week or something, I mean, what's he spending on the delivery fees? Okay, so what was the advice that you give her? Oh. Okay.

He's like, you're being annoying. I don't go out and drink. this is what I choose to spend money on. I just think she needs to say, we might not be aligned on this. You know, I understand you want to treat yourself and I want to make rice with an egg on it. But I really want us to commit to paying off this debt together. And it just feels like you aren't taking it as seriously. And I have to be completely honest.

When I see the hundreds of dollars a week on the food delivery, I feel a little disrespected because we have committed to paying this debt off together. That's a perfect answer. I love it. Thank you. Co-sign from Raina. Okay, so the next one, I think this is, this sounds like two women in a relationship. The woman writing in, she says her employer pays for her dinner if she works past 7 p.m., which she does almost every night. She's a management consultant. They live in Virginia. My partner, on the other hand, orders dinner pretty much every night. I come home, find her sitting on the couch, half empty Thai food containers on the coffee table watching TV. It's so depressing. And so basically she just gets into like she's got some body

issues, but so do I. What woman doesn't? But ordering out every meal is not healthy. It's expensive. She's unhappy at work. So I think it becomes a sort of comfort thing for her, like a treat at the end of the day. I'm empathetic, but I also wish she'd help herself. I'm not sure how much she's spending on delivery every week, but it's got to be a couple hundred dollars at least. We moved in together. Okay, so they're not married. They're not locked in. So maybe she's always done this, but now she's just more comfortable. I brought up meal kit solutions, but then she says you're never home for dinner. So they're not going to cook the together. And it just, the whole thing's frustrating. I hope it's a funk that's temporary, but it seems indicative of

something bigger. I don't want to say she's lazy, but sometimes it feels like she's giving up. I mean, some of these are relationship problems and not food delivery problems. Yeah, I mean, none of these are food delivery problems. Like the first one is like, we just have mismatched ideals about like what we want to spend money on and what we value, like how we look at money. This is just like, it's hard to watch your partner kind of give up on life. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's going on here. I think everyone goes through hard times and sometimes you're like, I'm in a slump and I'm unhappy at work and this is just how I'm living right now. that's okay and that's human.

But at some point, if you are unhappy, you have to figure out how to dig yourself out. If you are happy doing that, you are with the wrong person. Like some people want to get home and order takeout and watch TV every night. They are happy doing that. They have to find a person that's happy doing that too

because your partner is going to be turned off by it. The same way that you'd be turned off by someone getting up at 5 a.m. And eating a chicken breast and going to the gym and running a marathon. Like you're not aligned in your lifestyle. Like that might be their best life. Yes. Like my dream is I make so much money that I don't ever have to cook or get takeout or prep anything in my life. I will get delivery every single day.

That's some people's best life. Yes. Sorry. They also said they can afford it. So this actually isn't about the money. I think it's more about the lifestyle. And she's like just looking at her differently when she comes home and she's on the couch. These couples, all of them, are not aligned in how they have dinner. And I think that's huge. And that is just personal. to me. It's important to me. I know when Shishanka and I are both home for dinner, someone doesn't have plans with their friends or something. I know what we're doing. I also had dinner with my family every single night. My mom, my dad, my brother and I, my mom or my dad cooked dinner every night. We had dinner as a family. It's important to me and it's important in my relationship. So these wouldn't

work for me. I mean, I think there's times in your life where someone's got to work, this and that, but like I don't understand all these relationships have worked up till now. Like Shishon and I do have dinner together. like the issue with dinner. But like he works all day. Like we have dinner together. It wasn't an option. So it doesn't sound like it's an option for these people.

This is a problem. Like she's like you're never home for dinner. Can you get home a little earlier? Can we make Sunday brunch our thing? Like what are they doing to combat this whole like we never eat dinner together thing? I don't know. But the first couple I'm like,

okay, so what's the alternative? We're just going to encrue all this interest and debt and like that's how you want to live? Like don't you want to set us up for some success in the future by like not. not accruing all this day. Yeah. Like that's how you want to live. You want to live like under a mountain of stress.

I mean, that could also be a bigger problem how that guy manages money. But I want them to work on it because they're married. But the second couple, they're not. And this may not be the right match.

Like she says it's like, it's depressing to come home. Yeah. And she's just, that wouldn't depress everybody. You know what I mean? Like I don't think, I don't,

some people would walk in the door and just be like, okay, my partner worked hard. I'm not saying she's wrong. But I wouldn't love it. I wouldn't love to know that I was outside of the house all day long working hard.

I came home. You did not order me dinner. You're just sitting here eating something bad for you. You're already depressed. Food that's bad for you only makes you, how I want to phrase this? It seems like you're eating things that make you feel bad.

Because you already feel bad. Yeah. And she's unhappy at work, which ruins your whole life. Yeah. I mean, if you are unhappy at work truly, hate your job, it really can take over your life.

I've watched a friend recently who just was in a job like that for years. And it really, I feel like changed who she was. And she recently left her job. she's a different person. And she's got other shit going on. And she still feels so much lighter and happier because she's out of that job. I was like, it was the job.

Right. And that's why I think you frame this conversation. The second one is just like, you don't seem as happy as I'd like to see you. And like, let's talk. I mean, she might get the world's best job and be super happy. You're still going to come home every day. She's eating Thai food on the couch. Yeah.

And that might depress you. And that might be a person for you. Okay. So, you know, when I was like so sick a couple weeks ago, the amount of takeout I ordered and stuff that was bad. I eat living cookies every single day. I ate the salicke every day. I was like, I have nothing left.

Yeah. Oh, people wrote on the comments, you did it right. It said starve a cold. No, feed a cold. I fed a cold. Feed a cold, starve a flu or something. I know what you're saying. People said you were right to binge while you were had that cold.

What else I had nothing else to live for? Okay, this last one. Okay. She's 27, works in marketing in San Francisco. I went, before my boyfriend and I met, he says he ordered in every single meal. He has literally never cooked a thing. At first, this was endearing. He's a very capable person overall. It was fun to order food together or go out, but now that we moved in together as of three months ago, it seems unsustainable. I've always cooked my own food. Part of it is cultural, but it's also financial.

My parents are frugal. They're from India, and I was raised to take care of myself. It seems so helpless to not be able to make your own dinner. So she likes to meal plan and go shopping on Sundays. She said, it's not my money, so I try not to care too much, but it's ridiculous when I'm over here meal prepping while he spends $100 on sushi. Is this every day? Did I miss that? Yeah, he does not cook for himself. She says, I'm pretty sure what I spend on a week's worth of groceries is less than when he spends

on a food in a single day. It's okay for now, but what happens if we get married to have kids? I don't mind being the cook of the household because I do like it. But it's a little weird that he rarely wants to eat what I'm making. I've asked him if he doesn't like my cooking or if there's something else he he prefer. He just says he likes to order what he's in the mood for when he's in the mood for it. I don't think his family ate meals together a lot growing up.

So maybe that's part of it too. I wonder how it affects his finances. he makes considerably more money than I do, so I'm not in a position to tell him. He can't afford anything, but if he's spending $500 a week on food for years, I mean, you do the math. I'm not sure what he has in savings.

He's getting a little bit better. I've convinced him to eat what I'm making two days a week, which is a start, but I hate being the dinner police. It seems like other couples don't have this type of conflict. Why does this have to be complicated? Shouldn't he want to eat delicious, home-cooked, affordable food instead of expensive crap? I mean, I'd have to know more about his finances.

I'd have to know about the relationship. To me, like, I mean, you know, you and me, like, food is just the most important thing. food adventures, having dinner together, like cooking together. Like, it's how I show love. It's the most important thing to me. Like, is everything else in the relationship great? Does he make you feel valued and hurt and understood and uplift you?

And like, is the only thing that, like, you guys want to have different types of dinners? Like, maybe that's fine. Is he so rich that, like, $500 out of somebody's pocket a week might not be that much money for them. Everybody's different. It would be a lifestyle thing for me. It would just be disappointing. I want to, you do too.

Like sit around, cook together, talk about what we're going to eat. I want to start talking in the morning. about what we're going to have for dinner. I want to plan like a special night. Like, what are we doing? That's fun. There's so many different things here. Like, yeah, he makes more money, but is he really wasteful?

Like, is he always going to make that much money? Is he going to be spending $2,000 on delivery if he takes a pay cut? Like, how does he look at money and spend money? Totally different conversation. Them, they made me sad. And I don't know. Like, she's Indian. She wants to cook.

Her family ate together. Like, it's just he doesn't want to do. it. I mean, it sounds like she's convinced him to do it two days a week, but she feels like she's forced him into it. Like, maybe you guys are making progress and maybe it's just been some shifts that he wasn't brought up this certain type of way and he's going to come around and in which case, like, I root for them. But if not, this might not be your person. Like, if it means a lot to you to cook and have your partner enjoy it, you want to find a partner that enjoys it. Is he offering to order food for her? Is it like, babe, I got this. I'm so rich. Like, I will, I'll take care of the

sushi tonight. Like, it's not how I want to live. My mom. My boss. body doesn't feel good when I ever take out every day. But like, right. Also, people that can't cook, I just, how did it happen? So I made that note too. I mean, they're, in their 20s. Okay. But if someone says something like that, I can't cook.

I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life. I would want to know what else they're incapable of doing. Like, can they clean their room? Like, can they manage a checkbook? How old am I? Do they understand how to handle their fucking, manage a checkbook? I'm saying, like, are they self-sufficient in other? areas because cooking is enough for everybody. I mean, we know men that don't cook. We know women that

don't cook. It's not even gender specific. But I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life. Like you've never made eggs or made a sandwich and like, okay, but are you doing other things? Like are you admitting that your mom still picks up after you and buys you underwear? Like I have more questions and I understand that you're young and you can think that's endearing. You're like, okay, well, I'm going to come along and do this. But just make sure when someone, admits that to you, they've never made themselves food. What else can't they do for themselves? I'm trying to understand like the full picture of this person. Like outside of like this is a trust fun kid that had staff in the home and does not know how to cook or clean like truly how to

this happen. I don't understand. And yes, if you can't cook a meal for yourself, I'm pretty sure you can't do other stuff. I couldn't could never. It's such an ick to me. Like I only want a guy that can cook or is excited trying to learn. Like, it's hot. I mean, just the men in my life cook. I mean, my dad, my brother, Rob, obviously my husband, my exes were excited about. I'd love a man in the kitchen, a man on the grill, a man in an apron and nothing else. I'm just kidding. That's what you guys do? Dick hanging out the bottom. I'm just, I'm so curious, like, what this person's like, because I think about people that are so rich. They don't have to cook, but like, I don't know. they're so successful, they've like got it in every other area.

They'll just take care of it. I mean, how did this happen? Yeah, it's fascinating. And I'd love to see what happens with this couple. They're in their 20s and they're not married. They can break up. It's no biggie. You know what I love that our advice always is like, if you don't have dinner together,

then you should break up. There was another, right? We had like another email about this kind of recently. I'll die on this hill. What was the other one? She said he didn't want to explore new kinds of food and we were like, break up. Oh, yeah. She touched base.

She said all other things were great. Maybe he just wanted like chicken fingers for every meal. He wasn't like adventurous. Yes. She touched base. It's me, the woman with the anti-foody terrible cook boyfriend. Yeah,

he wouldn't cook and he didn't want to go to dinner either. Oh, it was like all the things. Remember? He just like wasn't into it. Yeah. Okay, well,

while we're here. So she said he is a wonderful partner in so many ways. He makes me laugh. He supports my career. He does most of the non-food chores. He makes me feel like a queen in bed. Since I first wrote in, I did try to be mature and talked about unhappy I was with our food situation, but we didn't

really land on a solution. We've kind of settled into doing our own thing at dinner. I ordered a meal kit subscription, but he was skeptical about the cost. We'll see how it pans out. Honestly, I'm in a weird in between phase of life, so it's not exactly the moment for big relationship moves, but I appreciate how your advice is always both hilarious and nuanced. Thank you again. And Ashley, I can't wait to watch your special. Okay, girl. No, okay. So, yeah, they're going to break up too. I mean, we're just like, if you don't want to do the same stuff, food-wise, we think you should break up that dinner. I mean, again, like, it's just one of those things of like,

if whatever works for you, do it. If you like it, I love it. I want to be in a relationship where we have dinner. It's like we talk about our day. We cook together. We order something. Also, if you were ordering takeout for every meal, like, how do you feel? I would feel so shitty.

It's just, this has nothing to do with, like, shaming or weight or anything. It's just how you feel. It's just what it is. I mean, I guess if you do order sweet greener, Goup Kitchen every night, that's a different thing. But real restaurant food, it's just heavier, more salt, more butter, more oils, all the things. Like, with the way I feel when we order food versus make it, I mean, it's a world of difference. This is the coldest take.

But we do cook always two nights, usually three nights a week. We cook and sometimes more. If we're in town all seven nights, I would say we cook three to four nights, go out always at least once a week. We went out two nights this past week, Friday and Saturday night, and order take out once or twice. Like that's the breakdown. If we're home, we cook three at least. I mean, actually, I just, I need to be aligned with how you feel about food. And if you don't care about food, I need you to at least be excited for me to show you about food.

It's what I do with all my free time and all my money. I want to travel to food. I want to travel to food. I want to cook. I just, people that are just like, not for me. I'm like, well, you're not for me. Yeah. And I just think with all these things, I mean,

there's lifestyle, which a lot of these things are, again, indicative of the way they want to live their life and finances and how they think about money and spend money and save money. And that is all stuff you have to figure out before you marry someone. And that's what they're in the middle of doing. That's why they're writing into the cut with like, here's what I got going on. Clip it. Yeah. So good luck to them. Well, just going to talk about our partners. And then we will get into the topic. Okay, so summer is coming up. And if you're thinking, like, I want to plan a trip.

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remember to head to zbiotics.com slash gge to use the code gge at checkout for 15% off. Okay. So this topic comes to you today from an email we got that really coincided with an article that dropped around the same time in surprise, surprise, the cut. Everything we do is like based on an article. So I said to like our publicist, I was like, all I want is a mention of my show in the cut. Like, that's my North Star. I just, you know at the back of the magazine?

It says, like, things to do. Yeah. And there's hundreds of things in there. I was like, please do Raina Greenberg. Honestly, I'd take it. 100%. It's just, I love the cut so much. Yeah, this is your plug for the cut, your weekly plug for the cut.

So we received an email that was subject line happily married, but still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? And we'll get to that. But the cuts article was titled, The Secret to a Great Marriage, Crushes on other people. And this isn't. like they're the first media outlet to talk about this. I think this is like a discussion a lot of people have and like what constitutes a crush and

what constitutes harmless and not harmless. Yeah. And like we don't get into a relationship or get married and stop looking at other people. I mean, some people might. But we just want to discuss this. And we put up polls for you guys on Instagram and over 20,000 people participated in this. So great data here. And I think that everybody really has feelings about this.

about their own behavior and their partner's behavior and as this has happened. I mean, I think we get into a relationship, as you say, and you don't lose your eyes in your ears. Yeah, I still have a pussy. And you don't lose your desire to still feel desirable to other people. And I think that your partner can be everything in the world to you and you can be super in love and happy. And you still want some people to take notice some of the time. And you're like, I trust myself to not let this go any further. But it's nice to feel desired by other people. Well, there's feeling desired by other people and there's like you desiring other people. I mean, what's what do you define as a crush?

And as we go into this, we understand people don't have monogamous relationships. Let's just get ahead of it. People are like, wow, you can, you know, like this is for people in monogamous relationships. I mean, people have crushes and they act on them within an open or a non-monogamous relationship. So I think obviously that goes without saying. I think this is most people. I mean, I was saying to you, I used to do these things. I wish I'd do them more of like confess your sins to me, confess your secrets to me.

And I mean, 50% of them were like I had a dream about somebody at my work. I can't stop thinking about somebody at my work or my boss. It's always somebody at work. But like, it's so common. I mean, what the differentiation, your desires and your actions are different things and we're not animals and you should be able to stop yourself. Well, what are your desires and where are they coming from and how deep do they run? and, you know, fantasizing about someone in what way and we'll break down all of this. I mean, I don't know if I would say it's like a sensitive topic to me.

Like, I don't, I mean, Shoshan and I are obsessed with each other. I would die if I thought he had actual feelings for someone else and vice versa. Like, my heart hurts even thinking about it. Like, if I actually thought he was flirting and having a connection with someone at work, I would lose my mind. I mean, I'll say that. And I will also say, I'm not. certainly enough to fantasize it about anyone else or there's nothing missing in my relationship.

I love him. I only have eyes for him. We have been together three years. We've been married under one year. So there is that. Someone might hear me talk like this and be like, wait, 10 years. And I hope we still feel like this, obviously, in 10 years and 20 years. So I just want to say that. I do think that there's a lot of people that like have kids and they stop seeing each other romantically. There's a lot of couples that just become roommates. And I mean, how often do you hear somebody say like I wandered outside of my relationship because like no one's my partner doesn't see me. They don't desire me. They treat me like their maid or their therapist or their mom, their friend, but like certainly not their romantic partner. And I think that's the dream is forever you always feel

like that. But I think for so many people, that is the story of like, I don't know, I get home and we watch TV and we go to sleep and I don't feel desired by this person. Right. And have you talked about that with them? Like, have you communicated that with them? I mean, today's not really a cheat. episode, but you can't talk about this without it coming up. But if you have expressed these things to your partner and over and over and you've tried and you've worked on it and nothing changes, it makes sense why you're looking for it somewhere else. Yeah, I mean, listen, we're only human and I think we all want to feel good about ourselves and like somebody else is proud of us and finds us attractive and feels that we're exciting. And I think so many people, especially when

they have kids, like your partner just sees you as a mom. And you're like, hey, I'm still a person here. I still want to feel like you see me as like a fuck doll too. A hundred percent. The fuck doll. Yeah. And you mentioned like the people at work and I just want to get ahead of this. We did a whole episode on The Workwife. I looked this up to cite it.

It was in April 14th, 2024 titled, Should You Worry about the Workwife and other Platonic friends. And this shit is so real. And so we're not really even talking about that today. Like someone that you really have that like connect. or relationship with, which we don't like it. And we've made that clear on that episode

and you guys can listen back. So we will get into the polls and everything that you guys said, but, you know, one of the biggest questions was, where's the line? And overwhelmingly, people said it's somebody

you don't have a connection with. It's somebody that is a huge celebrity. It's maybe a waitress at a restaurant you go once to or a barista you kind of floor with somebody at the grocery store. Like, the line is like, are we moving this relationship forward? Are we talking?

Are you doing something you can't admit to your partner, are you taking this offline? Are you texting? Are you like it? You're getting ahead of it. I want to reference to him. Once in the article really quick, I will also say that I was my husband's celebrity's celebrity celebrity. I knew this was going to come up. So you should be scared of celebrities too. Matt Damon, didn't he marry his waitress? He didn't cheat on his wife with his waitress or anything like that. But yeah, I mean, a lot of people were like, I mean, I think to your point, work wife, that is when it's not harmless. It doesn't feel harmless. It feels that it's crossed a line. Well, so I, that's why I want to kind of start the article. I'm not going to read all

word for word, but the author, E.J. Dixon, so she says that my last job, I had a crush on a coworker named Phil. His name has been changed. Yadayana, she talks about Phil. I did not and do not know Phil well. By the time we stopped working together, we'd maybe exchanged 40 words in total, the vast majority, which were about Steely Dan, but my husband, to whom I have been married to almost 10 years, heard about him every once in a while. Occasionally when I got home from work, he'd ask if my office crush was in that day. Once I was putting some lip tint on a mascara before a Zoom meeting and he asked if it was because Phil was on the call.

So she says my husband are happily monogamous. We have children. He harbors his own little crushes too. And she says the whole point of having a crush is that it causes a little frision of nervous energy, one that tends to dissipate when you're in a long-term relationship. A crush while you're married is like a sweet little snack that gets you through the 4 p.m. sunk. My friend Kara 35 told me.

Her friend's been married four years. She has a crush on a New York Times critic whom she's met a few times through friends. It's harmless and invigorating. It reminds you you're alive and kicking and yearning and thinking. Her husband doesn't mind, as is the case in my relationship. It serves as fodder for a couple inside jokes. So the article then goes on to talk about extramarital crushes

that also can rejuvenate your sex life and maybe a little deeper where you're talking about it during sex and some people are super into that. And that's fine too. But she's mainly just talking about this crush on this work guy. I really hung on to they've exchanged 40 words. Like they are not, they don't have a relationship. They are not messaging. They're not texting.

They don't have each other's phone numbers. They're not messaging on Instagram. I feel like, and that is actually harmless. And I was thinking about myself, like if I have a crush. Your barista. Oh, you do. No, the brista from like a couple, a year or so ago. He has a crush on you.

He had a crush on me. And do we ever talk about this? Yeah, we did on the show. He was flirting with me. And my, Shishonk was on the phone. Yeah. No, I didn't have a crush on him. My crush is the farmer's market guy, the pasta guy.

He's hot. He's so hot. That guy is too hot to be to Farmer's Market. So, like, it's funny because I don't even know his name. And Shishonk will joke about it. He's like, oh, you're not wearing your ring today because you're going to, the pasta guy is going to be there. Like, we see him. Shishonk rolls his eyes.

He, Shishon goes and gets our coffee. When we get to the farmer's market every Saturday, he's. He overhears me giggling. Like, it's funny. I don't get excited to see him. I don't even think about him until he's right in front of me. I don't dress differently. I don't need to defend this.

But I'm just, that's the harmless. Like, I can be a little flirty and smiley with this beautiful man selling pasta. And he's not messaging me asking me out like the pasta. Then we've crossed a line and Shashon can laugh about it. I was thinking about, like, you and I've toured for a decade. And we've worked with hundreds of vendors. between like dancers and cryo people and videographers, photographers, venue managers, the security who I did fuck, but, and date for years.

But like that's the kind of person I think like you meet at work that's like harmless and there's so many people we meet. They're like good looking men and I might like he he but like I'm never going to talk to them again. I know that I can be trusted in a relationship to not like move that forward. And I had this like experience this guy years ago. I met him at a comedy club. He was also a comedian and we like a fun.

together we flirted and I went home and he mentioned while we were talking to you had a girlfriend and I was like that's the end of that there there'll be no and he DM'd me at midnight something that we had like been talking about and I was like you crossed the line if that was my man I wouldn't like this shit wait yeah there was a venue guy that message me remember that I was single he wasn't multiple people that did this fit no the guy New Orleans we both single you want to deal with him

we went out but the show me those pictures of him in drag and like I don't know it wasn't hitting Because you know I am attracted to drag queens, but didn't work for him. I just was like, I don't know you're wearing like spanks and like high heels. And that's fine. It just didn't hit the same. He couldn't pull it off. But no, there was another venue guy that like was messaging me and it was flirty and he had a wife.

And I just felt uncomfortable. I think that like if you're doing something that you wouldn't tell your wife about, which is DMing me off like out of office hours. Yeah. And I mean, I don't know if I'd call myself a flirt. I think I'm friendly. I laugh a lot. My mom is a natural flirt.

We've talked about this. I mean, just at dinner. Like, she's a flirting. Like, my dad just used to sit there and roll his eyes. We'd be at dinner. And my mom, I would stick her chest out. She points to something on the menu. She's so flirty.

Like, I remember she had a guy friend, like, there was a teacher at her school and just, it was flirty with him. Like, she's just flirty. And my dad. is not flirty and I love that about my husband as well. Shishonk's not a flirty guy. He flirts with me. Like,

he only flirts, he only has eyes for Rana. Shishonk is straight-faced, black cat energy. We always say about Shishonk, he would be insulted if someone thought it was an opportunity. If someone knew that we were married and they had the audacity to flirt with him, he would probably insult that. He would be so deeply

offended on behalf of our marriage. Like, Guys can be flirty and it's harmless, but like there's a difference here. And we'll talk about the difference today between men and women. Yeah, I trust me. I don't trust you. Well, I think that the intention matters for sure. Like, typically women cheat because they are missing something in their relationship. And men cheat because they can.

And I even looked this up. I just did a little overview of the research that indicates that while both men and women often cheat due to underlying relationship dissatisfaction. dissatisfaction, their primary motivations frequently differ. Men tend to report cheating for physical gratification, sexual novelty, or opportunity, literally just because they can. Whereas women are more likely to cite emotional dissatisfaction, neglect, or desire to fill an emotional void as the reason for cheating. And, you know, even men with the crush can hit different. Like there's a few comments under the article that stuck out to me. And this one woman said, as I read this, I kept thinking, ah, you,

Yes, this is the kind of harmless crushes my married female friends have. That's not the kind of crushes my married male friends have. The article lays out the conditions under which a crush can be harmless and even positive for a relationship. I'm just not so sure that both parties are equally capable of having crushes under those conditions. And there was a response to that comment that said, having unfortunately been the target of several married men's harmless crushes over the years, I can confirm that you're right. It feels like leering and ogling and just a gross vibe.

And it's incredibly creepy and uncomfortable. It also happened to me at work, which had a huge negative impact on my mental health. and affected my job because he was an older man in a more senior role. I mean, this is not all men. Of course, men can have a harmless crush, but it does hit different. Like, I don't think men who have women at work who have a little crush on them ever feel threatened. It's creepy.

And like, I don't think men like keep it in the box. I think that women are like, he's cutie. Like men do like, not all men. But it just hits different. It just does. I'm sorry. I know. So, yeah, I'm trying to think of situations in my own.

marriage that like I think it would be some somebody who's so unattainable in some way or another that like of course I don't mind if Shishon thinks she's pretty or if it's like someone that he deals with a lot of people at work like some older lady who comes in and flirts with him he tells me about that obviously and I'm not bothered by it and I think he gets hit on a lot. Also the thing about him that's interesting I saw this TikTok randomly come across my desk and it said like beware of men that don't like themselves because like any way to fill that void To feel, yes, to feel validated. Like, I guess that's all people.

But I think that traditionally men and women have different responses to self-hatred. And I don't know a lot of girlfriends. And insecurity. It's just personal experience. I don't have girlfriends that experience self-hatred and insecurity that fuck their way out of it with other people outside of their relationship. Totally. But I do see that with a lot of men in my life that I know and have known and don't even know. It's so true.

Like, it doesn't feel like a female characteristic. I mean, yeah. And there's exceptions to every rule, but you're totally right. I mean, a lot of men truly cheat because of out of insecurity. I asked that, like, I lived with my first boyfriend. I was so young, but he just cheated on me with everybody, just for fun. He hated himself. And it was just fun.

Yeah, they were around. They were there. He was a restaurant manager. He just fucked his staff. Fuck my friends. Fuck the guests. So I think, like, one of the primary themes of this article is, like, could this help your relationship?

And I think most people's primary feeling is, like, how far is too far? where's the line? One is it stopped being harmless? Yeah, I mean, I was interested in the comments. There's not too, too many, but some people don't, don't like this, of course. And some people feel like a crush. There's always something deeper. And then some people are like, this sounds like a very healthy marriage and there's no lines being crossed. And she's just getting a little excited every once a while in this long-term relationship about someone else. And it doesn't sound like it bothers her husband. Like, it sounds, I mean, I haven't interviewed him as well, but it sounds like this is pretty normal, fine. they're both in on it.

They're like, they're respecting each other's boundaries. Not everybody would like this. Some people would be like, why are you telling me about this? I don't need to hear this. I know. It's interesting though,

because like, we do still find people attractive. Most of us in relationships, I guess some people get married and turn it off, but I don't think that's what the average person does. And it's sometimes funny because I know I have a good relationship and a friendship with Shashon, because sometimes I almost tell him,

like, I'm that guy hot. Like, I'll start to say something. I'm like, Oh my God, he's my husband. He's not my just my girlie. He's not my friend. You know, you almost want to tell him like, look at that guy.

And you're like, he's like, could you not? Look at me. So funny. So true. So based on, again, 20,000 responses, have you ever had a crush while in a committed relationship? 73% of people said yes. So this seems like this is healthy and normal.

It happens a lot of people. But, and then we said, do you think that having a crush on someone else is normal in a long-term relationship? So totally normal. 24% of people. Sometimes it depends, 56%. So the majority of people, and no, it means something is wrong as 21% of people. I guess it could mean a number of things. It could mean something is wrong. It could just mean that you're a person with eyes and ears, and I find other people attractive sometimes. Those percentages are interesting because we have this like 20-ish percent of people

who said they have never had a crush while in a committed relationship and that it is not normal. And then the other people are 73% who have had a crash well in a committed relationship. 56% of them say sometimes it depends if it's normal and some people said totally normal. So, I mean, that kind of fits. Like people are like, yeah, I have and yeah, this is normal. So if your partner had a crush, would you want to know? 19% of respondents said yes, full transparency. 45% the majority said it depends on the situation.

And 36% said, no, I'd rather not know. And again, this is not your partner coming home and telling you, they have a crush on someone at work. Again, like, I just think the farmer's market example is what I picture of, like, Shoshong notices this hot guy is at the farmer's market every other week. And I talk to him, and it's so obvious that any woman would be like, you know, like I think of some men that are just so attractive, so big, whatever it is, a Harry Jousy, a Tyler Cameron.

Like, I was in a relationship both times we interviewed them. And I was like, I can't. Am I flirting? I don't know. Like when Harry, like, when Harry, like, touched my leg,

I'm like, is this so loud? Like, sometimes it's just, you can't help yourself. Like, I think there's some, I can't help myself with them.

If Kendall Jenner, like, walked in the room, Shishank would, like, his jaw would drop. I think it's like, is this a person

you engage with every day or not? Like, that's the line for me. That's the line for most people. Like, is this somebody you see the farmer's market or the coffee shop but the person checks you out at Airwant? Fine.

Also, like, If this is somebody that you see every day, why are you telling me about this? Well, that's the thing. Like, once your partner tells you about somebody, that's no more harmless crutch. Like, you're leaving your job for me. You're dropping a hint. I just have to wonder what the motivation is. If this is somebody you have access to that you engage with on a daily basis, that you are

having interactions that, like, maybe on the surface look normal, but like I wouldn't be comfortable with. Like, why are you telling me about this? I know. So then we asked, what do you think a crush usually? signals and 22% of people said missing something in your relationship, 52% said just human nature, 18% said boredom or routine, and 8% said nothing, it's random. And I like this. I mean, all of this research really lines up. Like 20% of people don't align with any of this. And the rest are like,

it's normal and fine. I don't know that it always signals there's something. I've had crushes on people when I was in good relationships and bad relationships. They were for different reasons. So I've sought out the attention of other men when I was flailing in my relationship for a reason. And there's been other times where nothing was wrong in my relationship. Something just caught my eye with sparkly. Right. The boredom and the routine. Would you be okay with your partner having a work crush?

6% say yes. 58% say no way. And 36% say as long as it's light. And that's, I don't know. It depends on how people interpreted that. Because again, when we get into this like co-worker, workwife, if you have a relationship with this person and you have a crush on them, that's deeper.

and it's not harmless anymore. What's going on with the 6%? Oh, work crush. You're good with it? But again, people are just in different types of relationships. I mean, there's people who are in non-monogamous relationships and in open relationships. And so people just view monogamy differently. Does outside attention crush energy help keep a relationship feeling alive?

15% say, yes, it's a confidence boost. 69% said, no, that's a slippery slope. This is interesting. This took a turn. I'm going to talk to you about this. And then 16% say, no, it actually. hurts relationships. The disparity is interesting to me because you were 73% of people saying, yeah, I've had a crush all the time. My relationship. And a lot of people being like, it doesn't

really matter. It's not a big deal. It's just human nature. But 69% of people being like, I wouldn't like it if it was them. So we talked about this with Esther Perel in our show, and I was trying to remember what it was called. And it's called the actor-observer bias. And so this is the way that you view the things that you do and the things that other people do. And it's typically applied to insidious behavior like cheating. And basically, when you do a thing, you observe it based on circumstances, and context. When you see somebody else do a thing, you observe it based on their character.

So when somebody else cheats, they're a bad person. It is black and white. When you cheat or you do something, you look at it as like, well, I wasn't getting the type of love I wanted my relationship. I'm not being validated.

You look at it as a character flaw and somebody else. You look at very contextually through what you do. So you have like a real bias in a situation. I was unhappy. It was complicated.

There were reasons. And somebody else does it. They're selfish. They have no impulse control. And it's a fundamental attribution. meaning the more general the version, our tendency to over-emphasize personality and under-emphasized circumstances. So for me, it was circumstances for you. It was your personality. And I think that so many people are like, yeah, when I did it, it was fine. When you do it, it's not fine.

But it goes back to the conversation to me of like, well, I know that I can control myself. And I don't know necessarily if you can control yourself. Yeah, totally. And again, it's not fair to act like that in your relationship. You should give your partner the best. benefit of the doubt. Liz Moody talks about best intentions. Like think your partner is the best, yeah. Think your partner is the best intentions as opposed to the worst. If you, I'm getting this all wrong. Sorry, Liz. But healthy relationships, you want to think your partner is the best intentions, essentially. And I do think part of being a good partner, friend, family member is always putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So you should think, well, I can have a little crush. And so my

partner can too. And that's like quite the opposite of what you said that a lot of people do. Yeah. I think that that's normal. I think it's normal to give yourself more grace than anybody else. I think it's normal to be like, oh, I'm in my head and I understand why I did this, but like when you do it bad. Right. And I do think we're all human and this happens. And if it happens for me, why wouldn't it happened for other people? I mean, to the initial article's point, like, it does just kind of make it a little more fun to go to work. You just like get a little more dressed up than you would. But like I'm saying that is somebody not in a relationship currently and somebody who's felt like that.

But like, I have fucked my coworkers a lot. See? And no one should give you the bed for the dog. I know. How tall were they? I guess it just depends on, like, where you're at in your own relationship. I do think it can, like,

add to the thrill of going to work and doing your, or going to a coffee shop or, like, when I go to everyone on that guys there are checking me out. I'm so excited. I don't like the work. Works just feels different.

It does feel different. And are you working with them side by side or I don't know like I keep thinking of fill 40 words exchanged between the two of them maybe he was a different department like whatever they had going on like that's the goal or literally the barista like that's the type of energy I want or someone you'll never meet in real life barista came up so much when we asked people to find a harmless but barista came up over and over celebrities but shishonk did marry his celebrity crush liking somebody stuff on social media somebody really from afar I mean you just have people have people have

feel like you can't have proximity to the person. Okay. So this is, did you say, this is what we asked. How do you define a harmless crash? Yeah. Okay. I think. Who knows what happens? She's all over the place. Who knows it? It's a little late in the day for Raina. Raina's sundowning. I'm climbing the wall. She's climbing the wall. Yeah. So how do you define harmless crash? Like no action taken whatsoever. Yes. Yeah. I don't, you don't need to be engaging with that person on social media,

liking their Instagram stories. Any communication you can't share in front of my face. I don't like it. So Raina got ahead of herself. But anyway, the next question is when does a harmless crush cross the line? We love these answers. As always, we just love when you guys weigh in on this stuff. And the top answer came up a lot was as soon as you're doing something you need to hide or you can't share where someone also wrote anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner. Yeah, that's my line.

When I talk to the farmer's market guy, Shishon is 10 feet away. He can hear me giggling. He can hear me, Chiching, spending more money when that guy's there. I always get two pauses and two sauces when he's running the table. They don't say that guy to the Brentwood Farmers Market. He is at the Venice one. He's at ours like, I mean, I said every other week, but honestly, it's like once a month. Best week of the month.

Okay. More on the when does a harmless crush cross the line. You have private interactions. You enjoy a little too much when you're communicating every day, opening up emotionally, someone you see on a daily basis. I mean, I don't know. You might go to the coffee shop every day. confiding in someone. Yeah, you have a relationship now. You ought to one word about our relationship

to somebody else. Well, this is, now we're getting into an emotional cheating territory, potentially. I had a very casual sexual relationship with somebody recently. He told me he told one of his girlfriends about something that went on between this. I was like, come again. You're talking about, like, you're confiding at somebody else. I don't like this. Don't talk to her. Talk to me. You're having sex with me. You don't need to talk to other women. You talk. to me. Is she your therapist? No. I feel like I don't know what happened. You were so eloquent like five minutes ago doing that whole escrow thing. I was like, wow, this is beautiful. I wrote that down. Beautiful. And now you're making no sense. You're like, I was casually fucking someone and the

audacity of him to talk to other women. About me. About a fight that we had. Okay. He was like, I asked a female friend of mine about this situation. I was like, don't talk to other girls. Yeah. Talk to Ashley. That's it. That's so true. You talk to Ashley about me. The second you start interacting privately, text, social, one-on-one, this is the answer. I'm just so glad. I mean, our audience is brilliant. Obviously, like, they nailed this. That's what it is. That's how you know. That's the line. Every time I talk to a guy and I get a DM from him later, I'm like, gotcha. We will let this go as far as I will let this go. Yeah. Liking stories, exchanging contact information, texting at odd hours, someone is trying to get to know you better.

Crushes should be at a distance. I love that. Yes, if that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs, oh, glad you liked the pasta, get out of here. You know I'm married. And now I can't have a crush on you anymore. He probably has your shop pay information. If you use your house, he's going to show up at the house.

He's like, I heard the podcast. And obviously we're meant to be together. Anything outside of something that just lives in your head. It's so funny. Crush is just supposed to live in your head. Exactly. Like an imaginary friend. And then engaging in any way.

I mean, again, this is the line. Harmless crushes are just pure fantasy. 40 words are less. 40 words or less. Okay. So let's read this email. This is a little different. Okay.

And I'm curious what you think about this. So again, the subject line was happily married, but I still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? She says, hi, I'm happily married and have been for five plus years together for 10. Okay, long-term relationship. My husband is an incredible man who I feel lucky to be married to. We have a beautiful, supportive relationship, and I'm still very attracted to him. We have a decent sex life working on having sex more frequently, but love it every time.

This is great. No kids yet. However, I've had a few. All good stuff. No notes so far. However, I've had a few crushes on various people over the years. I've never cheated as I want to stay married to my husband and love him too much to hurt him in that way. And all of my crushes have been innocent, while the other person probably not even knowing.

But occasionally I'll end up fantasizing about them to get off. and my most recent crush has me wanting to pick up extra shifts at work and plan group gatherings just to see him more. We get all on greatest friends and are both respectful of boundaries and have never crossed the line, but I think in another life I would date him, which makes being friends feel possibly inappropriate. Also, should he start to cross boundaries? I'm not sure I'd be strong enough in the moment not to at least kiss him, though I don't think I'd let it go any further than that, sis.

Is this type of thing normal? Am I fucked up? And should I see a therapist about it? Thanks for the help. Curious to hear your thoughts. Love you, ladies. Signed anonymous. people are triggered. I can feel the collective energy two weeks from now. I mean, listen,

you've been together with somebody for 10 years, you know, like it sounds like you guys have a great relationship, but to our point very early on, that doesn't mean you no longer have eyes and ears. And I don't know, everybody can have their own boundary. Like, do I think it's so crazy to masturbate about somebody? No. I mean, people watch porn and masturbate and you can fantasize about whatever you want. It's up to you how far you're going to take this. You're saying, like, I don't know that I would stop him if he made a move. I don't know that you're fucked up. But like, Are you missing something in your relationship? Is this just fun?

Are you missing something in your life? Are you just looking? I cheated one time on a partner. That's the only time I've ever cheated on anybody. And something was, it actually, I just, I was looking for some, like, novelty in my life. It's not fair. It's just not. And I would never do it again.

It was really young. But it didn't put the Band-Aid over what I was really looking for, which is I was sort of unfulfilled in my own life. I was a little unfulfilled in the relationship, but I was still very attracted to him. And I wanted to be with him for a long time. It felt like it almost had nothing to do with him. but like doing that didn't solve the problems that I was experiencing in my life. But I was sort of in this area where I was like, if he made a move, I wouldn't stop him.

And I wouldn't call myself totally fucked up. But it was maybe just a symptom of feeling unfulfilled either in my own life or in my relationship. Yeah. This is just so tricky because like what are you, what's she supposed to do? She's supposed to not cheat on her husband. I've read this about my spouse. So it would crush me, by the way, you know. but like what's the answer here like I don't know she's telling us she is a great marriage the one thing

that I did flag was working on having sex more frequently so maybe she's a little dissatisfied even just to say working on something that I'm clearly not it's not 10 out of 10 would that change it like she's doing a little much with this crush with the masturbating he's on your mind a lot you want to see him more like how far are you going to take this sis I mean that's for you to decide I don't know that a therapist could help, sure, like maybe figure out what's going on here. I need much more information to diagnose it. But I don't know. I can only have the information she's telling us. Like, after 10 years, I have not been in a 10-year relationship. I can't speak on it. So this is probably super normal. But when you are admitting to us and you're putting in writing, like,

I might kiss this guy, then that's going to snowball. If you really feel like you might cross the line, I might suggest it sounds like so crass. But like I might suggest stop masturbating to him. Yeah, I agree. Psychologically, your mind actually doesn't know the difference to be fantasy reality, and you're actually like spending more time with this person in your mind. Yeah, you're spending more time. And you're creating these scenarios in your brain.

Like your brain says like this person made me come a lot. And it's hard to be like, stop masturbating to this person. I mean, you're alone with your thoughts. You could do what you want. But like, I do think that would help a little bit. Yeah. And this is not to say that masturbating to someone other than your partner is wrong either. It's the frequency thing.

Yeah. And also you're around this way. I understand you mean like I might kiss him. Yeah, you're having orgasms to the thought of him. Yeah, she's like romanticizing him more in her mind, probably even idolizing someone he may not even really be in her own mind. Like literally has made him a fantasy. I don't know. It's hard.

And you and I've never been in a 10 year long relationship. Like, is this just like a healthy way to keep yourself feeling a little bit alive? Maybe. If you really don't want to cheat on your partner and you really want to keep this marriage healthy and, and work on it, cut back on the stuff with this guy. And tell yourself that that's not who you're supposed to be with or you'd be with him. Or explore issues. It might have in your marriage.

I mean, it could be part of a bigger problem. And again, like I even like that she brought up seeing a therapist for sure. I think a therapist would help figure out what's going on. I think in a really, in a long-term relationship, we see somebody outside of the relationship. And it's very easy to project magical qualities onto somebody that don't really exist. So, like, that guy, you don't feel monotony with him. You feel the thrill and the energy that we all want, that we all crave the beginning of a relationship.

You're never going to get that again with your husband. You've been with him for 10 years. So, like, you might be projecting a lot of qualities onto this person that don't even exist. You're just, like, you want him so bad for the thrill of it. But, like, that might not even exist in this person. It would be different if she was, like, I have feelings for this person. I mean, she does say, I think in another life I would date him. Sure, in another life, I think a lot of married people would date a lot of other married people.

But like in another life, would you be in love with him? Would this be a good partner? Is this, are you willing to blow up your marriage for this? Yeah, and focus on your marriage. I mean, is there things in your tenure-long relationship, which is a long relationship that you can do to make it more exciting. I don't know what their sex life is like, aside from her wanting to have it more frequently, but she says she loves it every time they do. You know, is there stuff you can do in the bedroom?

Is there some quality that this guy at work has that your husband doesn't? Like, what is it? Like, are you feeling kind of stagnant? I mean, like we talked about up top, you know, is this kind of like, you've gotten really comfortable and you're having takeout every night in the couch together watching TV? Like, has your relationship gotten to routine and, quote unquote, boring where you can do something there? I just don't know what's going on. Like, they might be, like, traveling and doing adventures every weekend, and that's not the case at all. But if it is kind of something that's not exciting, can you make it more exciting?

So, like, if you're craving novelty, can you create novelty in your relationship? Yeah. Buy some costumes, buy some sex toys. I mean, yeah. So we appreciate her writing in. We always appreciate you guys sharing with me. And this is like a judgment-free space. But we're going to be honest with like our initial, our thoughts on it. And just in general, like fantasizing about people. I don't know. You said that someone asked like, I had a dream about somebody. Does this mean something's wrong with my relationship? I was like, grow up. Like I had a dream. I was dating someone a couple weeks ago. I also had a dream. I fell off a cliff in a car. I have dreams. My teeth are falling out. I don't want these things to happen. I guess, sure, it could. But to me, that has no correlation to your relationship that you would have a dream about someone else.

People, I think, add a lot of weight to dreams. I just don't. Like, what does your subconscious really want? Well, I don't know. What does your conscious want? Like, you can have a dream about your ex. You can have a dream about your boss. You have dreams about your point all the time.

That can't happen, wouldn't happen. And also, like, I have free will and I'm not an animal. So if I have a dream about somebody I used to sleep with and that turns me on, that's okay too. I don't have to text them when I wake up. Right. It's fine. Yeah, exactly.

It'll go away. You'll stop thinking about it. When you'll wake up, it'll feel fresh, and then it just won't by the end of the day. You won't even remember that happened. But yeah, I mean, masturbating to the thought of somebody else. It's this interesting thing because it's like, we can tell you, okay, you are masturbating to your crush once a week. I mean, I don't think I would recommend it.

Because, again, it's like you're having an orgasm. You're thinking about them. It's like you're spending time with them. and someone could be like, you're going to tell me what I can think about. That's up for you to decide. I mean, yeah,

you wrote the email. Do I think it's so easy to stop masturbating to something fun and novelty? No. You're like, I keep thinking about the barista when I'm masturbating. And it's like,

it feels weird for me to tell you to stop. But what is it doing psychologically? Like, our thoughts do manifest into actions. It creates more like limerence and just like hanging on to this thing. Yeah. Like,

you're creating more. meaning to it. You're adding more meaning to it. Your brain doesn't realize the difference between those things. And so you're just like, now this person is just giving you orgasms. And I wonder about the length of a crush, because to me, when we really talk about harmless, it feels like it should be short-lived. Like, you don't think about it. Well, I don't know. I'm just like, do you have a crush on the barista for three years? Like, should you go to another coffee shop? Like, I'm saying, like, If it truly just stays in that harmless from afar, the relationship never progresses in three years, that's one thing.

But having a crush for a long time, like, just maybe go to a different farmer's market, get your pasta somewhere else. It's crazy to have a crush on for three years. Like, just move on. There would be a point where I'm like, I don't have a crush on the farmer's market guy anymore. I've a crush on another guy at the farmer's market. Yeah, obviously. Like, I don't, the pasta guys.

The new people cycling through. Costa guy is so 2008. Old news. The taco guy now. The fishmongers are usually pretty cute. Our fish guy's so weird. They're all weird. He's an asshole.

They're all weird and high as fuck, but there's one guy there, like, sells teas, never wearing shoes, and now he doesn't have a table anymore. He's sitting on the ground. I'm just like, what you say? It's really evolved over time because he's never worn shoes, and he's always like, come try the tea. I'm like, I'm a coffee girl. And then now he doesn't have a table anymore.

And I feel like that's a choice. I feel like that's a choice. Because do you think it costs extra? He has the space. He probably just doesn't what? He rents the area. He's sitting on the ground. What do you say?

He's sitting on the ground barefoot. He's like energetically, I just don't believe in tables right now. He's sitting on the ground barefoot. Barking to people as they go by. The fish guy, so he had these salmon. Barking. Well, like barking. Like in the comedy.

Free show tonight, free tea, free tea. The fish guy, he. had these salmon patties for like three or four weeks in a row. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. His salmon has two monones in it. Like I started to stop getting his actual salmon fillets. These patties were the best thing ever tasted. So then he stopped selling them and I would go every week and be like, do you have the patties? And he was like, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes. Like I'm so stupid for asking. Hey, do you have the patties this week? No. Oh, my. bad. I bought him the last three. So I just assumed I could ask if you were selling a product.

Like not, Raina, he could say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Those were like a limited, a limited time. Ran out totally. And so finally, one time I was like, Shishon, can you go ask if he has the salmon paddies? You talk as your woman he was talking to you? Well, I just was like, I can't have him be mean to me again. Because he's not giving me any more information. He's like, oh, the salmon patty girl again. I think he's like, buy a filet, you cheat bitch. So Shishon. the minced up trash. Shoshan goes over there and he comes back and I was like, what?

I was like, did he dunk on you too? He was like, absolutely. Okay, good. I was worried he gave you. Oh, no, no, no. No. So we just finally stopped even going over there. But what if they're in there?

I can't ask every, I can't just ask every week. No, you can't. I can't wait in the line of the Brentwood Farmers Market because he takes three hours with every customer and he's just talking and I'm white knuckling it. And he's so high. And I just, I can't wait this long for my scall. my over price

It's so, we go every Saturday it's one of my favorite parts of the week. It's so crazy. Like, the story is Shishon can I make up

about these people. They are characters in our life. Like, and the bands and the singer, like there's live music every week. Like, I just feel like this is such a fun

part of our relationship is like these characters in our life every week and like, what are they up to? You didn't talk about the tea guy. That's hilarious. No more table.

What happened to the table? Oh, no. Oh, How much is a table cost? He's sitting on like a pillow. He's not like bohemian people. They don't have furniture. They live in a loft with like pillows on the floor.

They don't live in a parking lot. They go south of things. It's like dusty. So if you want, if you want tea, you have to reach to the ground. Isn't that crazy? Do you have to get on the ground?

He probably wants you to get on the ground. He probably wants you to get on the ground. He had it up to you. I don't know. Right. Like is he going to stand when you approach? Is he playing music? No.

You can't really, it would be weird if people play music because there's live music. Weirder than not having a table. I'm going to get more information. I'm going to take a picture of them. Guys, watch YouTube. All right. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this topic.

Again, thank you, as always, for weighing in and sharing with us and being open and vulnerable. And I think we covered it. What constitutes us harmless and what doesn't? And as always, we have the most people responding to our polls than any other podcasts who are the best in the whole world. So we have the best audience in the world. So thank you guys. Yeah, so thank you guys.

Girls GottaEatteeat.com, but not much going on over there. So you can skip that one. Hit Raina Greenberg.com starting on the 14th for the tickets. Today you can look what the... You can peruse. Yeah. You can see where you want to go. You can shut up the car and window shop a little bit and then get your tickets on the 14th.

You can watch my special worldwide on YouTube and on Prime Video just in the U.S. And if you want to get all those links, if you can't seem to find them, I am Ash Hess on Instagram and check out my link tree. Raina is Raina at Greenberg on Instagram and you guys can watch full video on Spotify and YouTube leave a comment, weigh in, let us know what you're thinking and subscribe, share this episode with a friend and we will see you Thursday. Have a good week, guys.

Bye.