Girls Gotta Eat - Live, Laugh, (Long-Distance) Love feat. Heather McMahan

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Gather round, y'all! In this nonstop-laughs episode, we talk with actress/comedian/best-person-on-Instagram Heather McMahan about her thriving long-distance relationship and why it works, sexy pics gone wrong, coping with the loss of a parent, and so much more. We also recap a ridiculous shopping experience, and introduce a new game that incites a fiery passion in everyone. Enjoy! Follow Heather on Instagram @HeatherKMcMahan. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast and check our website for live show dates and merchandise. More episodes available at Patreon.com/GirlsGottaEat. Thank you to our sponsors for this episode: Addyi: Learn more at Addyi.com/gge. Lola: To get 40% off subscriptions, visit MyLola.com and enter code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We would never break up. There'd never be a divorce. They're one of us would literally do a passionate killing. Like, it'd be snapped. And it'd be like, if I caught him doing something shady, I'd sit in prison for the rest of my life, like just like with the shitting grin, like, well, you're never going to be happy with another woman. You know, like, I'd be fine with that. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

Another amazing episode. I'm really excited for this one today. Oh, my gosh. You are. I am. I am. I'm not as excited. I mean, you want to skin her and wear her.

Stop. I'm just excited to hang out with her. Most people fan girl me. I'm turning the tables today. Guys. Let's give you guys some updates. Live shows. We announced Vancouver Just for Laughs Festival.

We are so excited to be a part of this. Oh my gosh, we are. We've known about this, like, and we haven't been able to announce it until they announce it. So they just did their lineup. You guys saw we already announced it on social media. You guys are already buying tickets. We're so excited. I've never been to Canada.

I haven't either. We got a lot of messages about coming to Toronto. We promise. Hold on a minute. Okay. Let's back up. I'm backing up. Canadiens, which I like feel like I...

You think that was funny? Like a truck? Yeah. I'm a backup truck. All right. Rain is making a truck noise. It's like a three-year-old boy. Beep, beep, beep.

Boom, brum, broom. So it's... Some things are very funny to us. I just want to address them. It's funny when some of you guys come out of the woodwork. Like, we never heard from people from San Francisco ever. We were like, we don't have a base there. Like, but literally, our agent was like, where do you want to be?

want to go. We gave a list of 15 cities. And San Francisco, like, the Bay Area was not on there. The second we announced L.A., you guys got so pissed. Oh, fuck, no. You're coming to California and you're not coming to Northern California. Like, I feel like there's this divide between L.A. and then, like, North, like, San Francisco, like, our San Francisco fans came out of the woodwork, and they were like, uh-uh, you're going to do L.A. first. And Toronto, the same way. Like, first of all, we're doing Vancouver first because we got asked to do this festival.

That's kind of how it works. You're not like, hey, we would like to do JFL. JFL asks you. So we're doing that. And then, of course, we're going to do Toronto and Montreal. This is just kind of like how it played out. But I feel like these Toronto people are coming for us. They're like, oh, uh-uh.

It's Tampa, San Francisco and Toronto. Like, well, Tampa is fine because we haven't done any Florida shows. But I feel like when the San Francisco people saw we were doing LA, they were like, oh, fuck, no. And when the Toronto people saw we were doing Vancouver first, they were like, mm-mm, mm-mm, bitches. So don't we're working on it. are really excited. And you know who's so sweet, of course, the Minneapolis girls.

They're like, just come when it's warmer. You're really going to enjoy yourself. We want you guys to enjoy the experience. The girls in Tampa are like, bitches, if you don't get your asses down here to Tampa. Tampa's real. We will cut you. Minneapolis's like, just come in the spring or the summer. We really want you to have a nice time.

Tampa's like, uh-uh. Toronto's like, are you fucking serious? I can't get over it. We love it, you guys. So we love you all. We really love, we like, are excited to come to all these cities. but like we are two people. We don't want to be on the road all the time.

I'm a dog and all these things. So it's like we wish we could be everywhere and we are planning on all these cities. Just like give us a little bit of time. We promise. We're going to come to all of them. You can get updates on social media. We always put it on Instagram first.

Yes. On Ashley's Instagram and mine. So follow Ash Hess. Follow in Hungry Jew. It'll be on all those. And of course our website. We've gotten a lot of messages about like, can I change days and upgrade to VIP.

You guys got to contact the venues. We can't do anything there. Yeah, you got to just contact them. So if there's anything with ticketing, like, come on, guys. If you buy tickets to see Beyonce, you're not going to DM Beyonce. So about changing your night. So treat us the same way. Treat us as you would a pop superstar.

You're not telling Ariana Grande. Oh, my God, I bought tickets to the first night, but I need the second night. What did she wrote you back? What if Beyonce is like, you know, Ashley, I'm really sorry? Let me upgrade your ticket right now. Let me upgrade you. Oh, my God. What if Beyonce called you and said, let me upgrade you?

Oh, my gosh. I would ship my pay. I'm shaking, just thinking about it. My top five songs from Beyonce. Okay, and then shows. So Vancouver, obviously still on sale. Get those tickets. That will probably sell out.

We still have L.A. second night tickets as of this moment. We still have some VIP and DC for a second night. And then not that many, but there are still some, there should be for Chicago on Galentine's Day. Talia Hall. That theater is. But that's quickly selling out too.

So Boston, okay, Boston's done, sold out, but two shows. We did not anticipate that. We are so flattered and we will be back for sure. Like probably in 2019, we'll probably do another Boston stop because we got so many people that were not happy. I feel bad. Yeah. Oh, merchandise.

Thank you guys so much for all the orders. They're amazing. We just want to be clear about how long it takes to ship. It takes seven days, up to 70s to fulfill the order. That means before it ships out. So business days and also throughout the holidays, we posted deadlines to order to get the stuff by Christmas. That was December 4th.

So if you want it now, I mean, order off our site whenever you want, but you won't be getting in time for Christmas. We don't really need to say much more about this. But yeah, we've told you, we've hammered it home. Yeah, I just want to make sure you guys have all the info. Anything else? Patreon, we have your episodes up. I love the Patreon episodes.

They're very, well, they're fun because we do them at your apartment. The latest episode is some blowjob tips, among other things. Dirty talking tips. Yeah. People want dirty talking tips. I can do more of them. Yeah, we'll get more into it. Yeah, you're right.

We got asked the question of like, when do I start sexting a new guy and how to do it. So we gave a few tips there. But it's, you know, it's Patreon.com slash girls got to eat. Some people have been having a hard time finding it. Right. That's the thing. Like, I think because it's, I don't know, I think maybe because it is explicit and it's like 18 plus content, it doesn't come up in the search for some odd reason.

So people have been DMing like I can't find it in the search, which I never could either. So the direct link, patreon.com slash girls got to eat and it'll come up. We do a lot of behind the scenes about our lives and your listener emails mostly. It's really fun. So check it out, guys. Okay. So we are, we've been working really hard to plan the holiday spectacular. We've two nights sold out in New York.

It's going to be really fun. So we needed outfits for this show. Yeah. And so we thought of rent the runway. And Rainer reached out to them. They're like, yeah, you know, we'll hook you guys up and go. There's a store in New York. you go and try stuff on.

And it's a whole production. You have to like reserve a dressing room. They text you when it's ready. I mean, there were plenty of room. We went there like midday on Tuesday or something. And I get there first. So I already knew the day was off because I'm always late. Like I've never beat you to a place.

You know what I mean? Like I got there at 1105 and you weren't there and I'm like something's up. Because like I'm always. I died on Monday night. So you comment. I'm in the room. I found one dress I liked. I'm in the room already like getting into this dress.

And I hear Raina like, Ashley, are you back here? here. It sounds like she came from the dead. Like, you rose from the grave. I peaked out the dressing room wearing this gown, and I was like, I was like, I'm sort of done here, and I was like, I brought a dress back. I mean, I guess, I don't know, whatever.

I put it in a dressing room. I drank like a hundred drinks on Monday night. Yeah. I was not okay. Right. I can't even believe I got it to bed. I don't know why you did. I'm scared of you because you're taller than me.

So Raina puts this gold sequin dress in a dressing room. room and then just sits on the couch back there's like a big giant dress room area and like it's nice it's very fancy it's very pretty just sits down on this couch and then one of the ladies back there is explaining to me how the unlimited works it's super nice and i sit down on the couch and then i start telling rain about this date that i have coming up that i'm very excited for and all of a sudden all the girls that are working there are so invested because i was reading the messages the text between me and this guy to reyna because something happened and i was very cute and i wanted to tell her and we hear like Oh, he sounds cute, girl.

And I started reading the text messages out loud. Now she's like, what are you doing? Like, they're invested now. They're part of your story. So, like, all these girls are listening. And then this girl who's like, short with big boobs walks into the dress room where I hung the dress that I liked. And I was like, oh, good, she'll try the dress on for me.

And she comes out in the dress. Raina, I was like, did you hire somebody with your same body type to come try on the clothes for you today? Like, she came out, like, short, huge boobs, in that dress. And Raina was like, that looks good on me. And then the girl, then people were like asking our opinion. She's like, should I wear this to a holiday thing? We told her what's dressed by. We were entertaining the whole staff.

It was like a fucking open mic back there. It was a live show for free. Everybody's following us. They're like, I'm going to listen to the podcast. We were back there for an hour in the dressing room of Rent Through One Way. Raina tried on zero dresses. You came all the way into Manhattan to try on dresses. You didn't try on one dress.

At least I tried on one. They put it in my cart. They did the whole thing. You were there for six minutes and I got it and you were like, I'm done. I tried my thing on and I knew I wanted a specific color. They only had one dress in that whole store. I mean, you go online and you see all the inventory, but like there's not so much stuff in the store. No, not done.

But we worked through everything that I have going on with this guy that I'm going out with. We like covered, you know what we covered? Guys, what happened back there in that dressing room is Raina showed me the most heinous guy she's ever hooked up. I don't know. how this happened. She had been hiding it for me. I don't know how it came up. She shows me a picture of this guy. Oh, because we were talking about musicians. We're not going to waste this, but we, Ashley has a funny bit. So I showed her a picture of this guy that I sort of went out with. He's, I'm sorry. He's so fucking ugly. And the other girls in the dressing room were roasting

me about this. He got involved. The girl that was already invested in like my dating life comes over and she's like, oh, honey. Like, she was stunned. He looked like just walking gonorrhea. Like, I cannot. I was terrified by it. He was tall and he didn't respond to my text messages that often, so I was in love with him. Did you wrap it up with him? That guy's not clean. Like, in any way.

Maybe. He was like post Malone without the talent. And now he was. Okay, slummed it a little bit with him, but I really liked him. Like, the best part was like, we're, I'm like, oh, God, I'm going to throw up. Like, it was that bad. And then that girl, I wish I did. her name. What is her name? We love her. She comes over and she's like, oh yeah. Like she,

she realized I wasn't exaggerating. I was so embarrassed when she walked over. And I was like, I just said, Raina, don't you ever again say that you only date hot guys because- I didn't date him, okay? And he was tall and he didn't respond to my text messages, so I was into him. Do I like a her as he just tall? Right. But I also really humiliated myself with somebody else that I do like this week. Oh, my God, so embarrassing. I feel like I want to replay this conversation that you had. with who that we had about this. Tell people what you did. And then I'll say what I said.

With him? Yeah. Okay. So, so embarrassing. Sunday night, I had a couple of drinks and I looked at this guy's Instagram story that I like, who likes me back.

We flirt a lot. Yeah. And I was like the first person to look at his Instagram so it was like 19 seconds in. So I'm like, how do I fix this? I'll make a joke about it.

So I like... He would never have noticed otherwise. Nobody would ever notice. It's a crazy thing. Oh, you were just drunk. That's a thing. I was just drunk. I was just drunk.

So I, like, made a joke about, like, being the first person to look at his Instagram story. It's so embarrassing for you. It's so embarrassing. And so then... It gets worse, guys. Oh, yeah, it's way worse. After 30 minutes, I decide he hasn't looked at it. I'll unsend it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What happens when you unsend a DM is that the person gets on their screen, on their lock screen. You didn't know this, Raina. So Raina tells me. No, I knew that.

Oh. I know that on his lock screen, he'll get to see a pre- review of what I said, but he'll go into his messages and it won't be there. And so Raina tells me that and I go, also Raina, they get a notification that you unsent the message. And she goes, no, they don't. I don't think that they don't. And I said, they do, because I've gotten them. And I'm sitting there like, this does happen because it just, I'm not trying to fight you on this. It happens. It happens. It's happened. But I've practiced this with other people. It doesn't always happen. Okay, I've got one recently. This doesn't make it any less humiliating. Trust me, I bombed in his inbox.

okay. Like, I tried to tell a joke and I bombed so hard and then unsented. It's so embarrassing. It's like so many levels. Like, not only were you the first person to watch a story,

then you addressed it and then you took it back. Like, it is next level. You know that I'm part of, like, a joke that he does now. Like, that's part of the set this week, right? Like, that is so embarrassing. Oh, you know what, though? I will say about men,

you have to do something like pretty agreed. They really don't care. You're like, this is stuff they don't care about. Right. Like, I have double-de-bobs. He's not out here being like, I'm never talking to her again. He would never, like, this is like,

he's probably never even, like, phased him at all. Right. Also, he was, like, out and drunk, too. I'm sure he wasn't, like, I'm never, he doesn't care. Do you know how much shit I've done to guys and still heard from them the next day?

So, yeah, that's pretty humiliating. But I'm leaving to go to Mexico tomorrow, so hopefully Mexico will wipe the stay in away. So what's happening is that Rana was supposed to go to Mexico City a few, like a month ago, and then they ran out of water. So this is your, redo trip. And then I am randomly going to Mexico City over New Year's. Like, I'm sad. We're not going

together. But I guess you're going to scout for me, what to do, where to eat. I have a whole trip planned for a few. Also, we didn't talk for like two hours and like you bought a Christmas tree. You planned a trip to Mexico. Just like out here making all these decisions without me. It's crazy. The Christmas tree, I thought I told you when I was shopping for it on Amazon. You just didn't know that it arrived. Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I had to fluff it. I didn't know. I'm a new profession while I didn't know. I'm a fluffer now. But yeah, I'm going to Mexico City where I'm going to write you a whole trip itinerary. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a wrestling match.

I'm so psychily. That's literally the one thing I want to do is the Mexican wrestling. Every single review online said this looked like the stupidest thing I'd ever seen and was the greatest thing I ever went to. I know I'm excited for you to do my trip itinerary when you get that.

I'm going with my best gay friend. We've taken a trip before and I met my ex through him. And so before he came out of the closet, I was going on a trip with him and I said to my ex, I was like, what if he makes a move on me? like, what do I do?

And he was like, you just tell him you're in love with me. And I was like, you'll never believe that. That's crazy. Oh, my God. So, yeah, now you're boring long distance sex. Yeah. We're going to talk about that today. Oh, that's a good segue.

Into today. A segue. Fushing it. Oh, my gosh. So I'm really super excited. Ashley's really excited. You said that so you're like, Ashley's really excited. Now, we have an amazing guest today.

She is a comedian. She's from Atlanta. Ashley and I are obsessed with her Instagram. So please welcome to the studio. Heather McMahon, we are so excited to have you here. Thank you for having me. This is amazing. Look at us doing the most and the least at the same time, ladies.

I love a podcast. You just get to talk about yourself. I look like shit, doesn't matter. No, we've had to be camera ready the past two days. I'm like, fuck this. Isn't it exhausting? It sucks. Oh my God.

I literally, I had to go to a black tie event on Tuesday and my spanks were fully rolling down. Like, I'm like to the point because I'm such an apple shape that literally it's like putting sausage and casing. And, like, halfway through the event, my Spanx were just rolling down, and I looked with my boyfriend. I was like, I kind of just, like, give him that look, and he's, like, reaches down the back of my dress and pulls him up. Like, we know. What a guy. He's a good, solid man. Oh, yeah, he's just like, you know what? We got to do what we got to do. He's like,

I'm not letting you go up on stage with, you know, literally look like the sausage is coming out of the casing. It's hard being a woman, though. I'm like, are my hair extensions falling out? Like, is my face okay? Did I pop a tit out of my shirt by accident? Like, it's one of my fat rolls that didn't used to be there all of a sudden, like, broken out of my jeans. Like, my bush right now is so wild. You don't understand it. The last time, because I, so do you, well, you're, you live in Atlanta now. I live in Atlanta. Right. So we did not know each other, but we do now, but we have ways connections. But anyone, my favorite place in Atlanta to get sugared is Sweet Beach. Oh, I go to Sweet Beach. Right. You have to. So I went there when we had our show in October.

Haven't done anything since. What? Like, I can't. I didn't know this. I know. Because I, I can't find anywhere here that I like. I got a girl here from when I used to something. Is it sugary? No, oh, you sugar. I just love it. What's sugar mean? Sugaring is like a harder wax. And the way that they like keep it on the skin, it's like they like roll out the dough on your vagina. It's the purple wax.

No, no, no. It's like honey. Oh, I have all blonde. There's a lot of things wrong with me, but the only thing that isn't wrong with me is I have all blonde body hair. I can't believe I just admitted that. That's great. Yeah. Let's introduce you.

Okay. I'm a professional waxer. Talk about who you are. Like, what do you do? Where are you from? How old are you from? I'm, you know, a lady in my 30s. I'll be 32 in March.

Oh, a young lady. Yes. A comedian and an actress. And, you know, I'm from Atlanta and I was kind of doing the gig in New York and L.A. and then basically, like, picked up and moved back to Atlanta a year ago after my dad passed, kind of like to figure shit out and be with my family. And, like, it's interesting. I'm just kind of, like, thriving at my mom's country club.

Like, I joined the bridge club. Like, I'm doing a lot right now. Yeah. And it's kind of, I mean, I literally, I'm like, living at home. with my mother right now. But your mom is... It's insane. I mean, it's that's... You don't need to... You guys should just have a show, just you two. Well, we've been approached to have a reality show

multiple times, and my sister, who's the attorney, is like, absolutely not, you know? Right, right, right, yeah. I, like, describe our relationship, or like Joan and Melissa Rivers, but we're both... She's so Joan River. But we're both Joan. Yeah. So we're always, like, it's that level, like, all the time. And my poor sister's, like, Melissa, like, oh, come on, you know.

No, you're right. She's insane. Like, at least Melissa was, like, a little embarrassed sometimes of her mom. No. Robin has no shame. No. She's hysterical. So you do a lot of videos on Instagram. They are amazing. Yeah, so I'm, you know, I was an actor in L.A. and I kind of

started like putting stuff up on Instagram that just made me laugh, honestly. It's like, if it brings me joy, I'm like, somebody else has got to find this funny. I'm the good of version where I still laugh at my own shit, you know? Like, I lay in bed and I giggle. I like to giggle. I like to giggle. People are like, well, we'll get to at the end of this episode. I've been critiqued for. They're laughing at your own

shit. I do not give a fuck. I will laugh at my own sick. I went to Paris together. We laid in bed list our old podcast. Yeah. Absolutely. I think I'm hilarious. I'll list to me all day.

So your Instagram is at Heather McMahon. Yeah, it's Heather K. McMahon. So people can look you up while we're talking. People can look me up. Heather K. McMahon. And it's M-A-N-N. Yes. I feel like if I could describe your likes,

Aparol, old Navy. Yeah, basic bitch stuff, yeah. And CBD. I love CBD. And dislikes Chochies. I hate Chachkees. So your Chachkey Challenge. Yes.

What's a Chachkey Challenge? Chachke is like a Yiddish word, obviously. I know what they are. Well, yeah, explained to other people what it is. But it's like, you know, it's like a knickknack in the south. It's a knick neck, y'all. You know, your Aunt Carol has a bunch of knickknacks on the wall that says like, eat pride love, live, laugh, love.

This is the place we gather. There's too many people with gather signs. Like, what is this? Is this a clan gathering or a bunch of people in white hoods about to pop out? Like, what the fuck is? Love lives here. Yeah, love lives here. Always.

It's one o'clock somewhere, y'all. It is right. Everything happens for a raisling, y'all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything happens for a raisily. A wine pun, every girl, my ex dates after me is a wine pun girl. I do this in my stand-up, like, every girl, she's got some Instagram that says, like, everything happens to her recently. And she gets those signs at Marshalls, you know, all the painted wine signs at Marshalls. Like, just thrives in a home goods.

Like, shards so hard. Yeah, you're like, are you kidding me? My stepmom in Dallas has all those magnets on her fridge. She's a monster. See, my future mother-in-in-law and Westchester has a same. She loves, like, she got a Yorkie, has a Yorkie Chachie on her car. Our car chachkeys are the worst. A car chachky.

Why are you driving to Mercedes if you got a freaking car chachky? Right, just throw the car out. Just throw the car out. Just get a junker. Yeah. So people started sending, like, tagging Heather and all their chachkey challenges. There was one, you were like, go watch this girl's whole story.

And she was in her mom's house. Yes, in Canada. In a room. Yes, and she was like, she would have like one, two. She counted like 11. She's going around her mom's house picking out of the chachkeys, I was dying. We had a chachkey drawer. Everybody's parents has.

Yeah, we have. Do you have it? My mom is an interior designer, so we have no chachiskees, but she now, since I've started the Chachkey challenge, but one Chachkechke that says, like, make every day, what is it, like, the greatest ever? I do one thing a day that makes you happy, and she put it right next to my bed,

and I came, I was just in L.A., and I came home, and I was like, what is in my room? She's like, I got you a fucking chachkey. I was like, yes. My best friend, Corey, I can say this, when she bought her home, she was young. She was like 23, 24.

You know, so the kitchen is all wine puns. Like, the whole kitchen's wine chotchkes, she never mixed it up. They just sold their house. person who bought it was like, do you mind if we can buy all the wine stuff in the kitchen? No. She sold the chotchkes with the home. Good for her.

Just sell the chotchkes. Oh, my God. Every time you break up with somebody there and they have like Live Laf Love in their new girlfriend's Instagram profile, you're like, oh. Oh, that's a rap. I want. Every single girl that like our ex's date after us is like a Live Laugh Love Girl. It never fails. And it's like I love when people quote themselves.

You know what I mean? I used to take this sole cycle instructor in L.A. and she would literally make, like, put up memes, like, every Monday, and it would say, like, quotes by herself. And so I started doing it, and I'd put up, like, two in the pink, one in the steak, Heather McMahon. Like, just to be, like, just to stir the pot. Because I'm like, oh, my God.

Do you know that Instagram account? I think it's called unspirational. Inspirational. Oh, my God, amazing. It's so funny. And all of them look really flowery and pink. It's actually, we have a cup that we sell on our website. Ashley came up with it.

It says in really flowery, floral, cursive writing, fuck out of here. Yes, I love that. Like an old, like, old, like, old, lady like embroidery. Yeah. It's like cross-stitched. Get the fuck out of here.

Have these, have these sayings don't even know what they're saying. Like, be the you today that you want to be tomorrow. I'm like, wait a minute. I need a Harvard degree to break down this like weird Robert Frost metaphor. I'm done. I have to tell you my brother who's like the most, we talk about a lot of the show. He's like football player. Right.

Finance guy. Married a hot chick. Like he has a name Chad or Dylan. No, it's Arlen. Didn't see that coming. Yeah. I hit you with something crazy. Right.

His middle name is Fox. I was just such a gift to me growing up because I told him he was adopted we never wanted to forget so we named him foster child I love this that's really good because I would just like I'd randomly feel like I wouldn't to make my brother cry today and I would like tell him he was adopted I was so terrible totally so he has this tattoo on his back it is so funny it's his entire left side of his back and it says in cursive writing with big starbursts all around it watch me become what I can be no you're no he doesn't why is this just now coming out He was a tattoo chotchky.

Oh, there's so many tattoo choskis. Okay, my girlfriend, Jenny, who she'll listen to this and she won't because I throw her into the bus. She got one. She was up in Athens, Georgia and, like, wasted one night and got one that said on her wrist that says, astonish yourself. No, no. And I literally am like, and she got it in such a bad tattoo shop that it actually bled under the skin. So she's been trying to get it removed.

And she's like, she can't. She can't. They're like, literally, they're like, we're going to have to, like, cut out your skin. So I always remind her, I'm like, Jenny, never forget to astonish yourself. It's like, what does it even mean? She used to get like a skin graph. Yeah. Who's that mean?

Yeah. She should get under it. Like, I can be amazing. Yes. I think I saw a meme recently that was like, if your kitchen doesn't even say gather, how will people know where to eat? Like, it was like making fun of like every kitchen says like, gather. Well, two women sent me ones at the peak of our Chachkey Challenge.

One of them, this lady had put it in her bay window. And so she has three boys and her husband. And it just said fart zone. And it was huge. I was like, why would you put that where you eat? And she even told me she's like, my husband hates it, but I think it's a riot. I'm like, that's not funny. I don't blame your husband at all.

And then this other lady sent me one that it said, like, in this house, we laugh a lot, we love harder, and we fart louder. Again, in the kitchen. I'm like, why are we just, like, ripping ass in the house? I don't even get this. Why is dad the one that has to put his foot down, too? Like, really? Dad's less gross than you are? Dad's, like, you cross the line.

Right, not doing this. Unacceptable, ladies. And I think one that you wrote was like, it was the house. hashtag coats. Oh, hashtag quotes. Yeah, just like randomly. So some lady from Canada was like in like the Canadian home goods and it just said hashtag coats.

Like what are we doing? Are we starting a coat movement? Do people not know about the coats? So honestly, if somebody can find me, if you're listening, you can find the actual physical hashtag coach chachie and mail it to me that would make my day. Hashtag coach. You know some Canadian was like making it just like for the Canadian home goods. It was like, you know what?

Damn it. Hashtag cults. Well, I think it's, have you ever seen that it's, this went kind of viral, and it's some Japanese huge sign outside some Japanese store that says fucking sale, because they're like, they think, they like messed it up. They wanted to appeal to Americans and it's like,

fucking sale, fucking sale, fucking sale, like that. Oh my God, I haven't seen it, but I, you know. There's places that are named. I'm like, couldn't you, maybe you just ask one American person? Like, if that makes sense. Right. You know, like, I wouldn't get a Chinese tattoo without asking a Chinese person.

I have a funny Chinese tattoo. I used to go, yeah, I got a story. So I used to go to surf camp, but obviously like I was a chubby kid, and I'll never forget, we went down to the boardwalk in San Diego for like a day off, and I went and got a hen and tattoo on the boardwalk,

and I thought my girlfriend and I were getting matching ones, and her said peace, and I was going to say like friendship, and we're like 12, and mine said meatball. My hen a tattoo, my Chinese symbol said meatball, and I was like, this is a hate crime because I'm a chubby white girl,

I don't appreciate it. And literally one of my girlfriends at camp, who's Asian, she was like, Heather, that is, like, literally that says meatball. I was like, you know what? I'm over this bullshit. Actually, okay, we recently discovered that somebody that Ashley kind of has a crush on got a tribal tattoo on his arm this year.

No. We stalked this guy hard on Instagram. She went back and found a picture from 2017. No tattoo. And she was like, Ashley, he got the tribal this year. What is a tribal tattoo? Oh, like, what does it look like? I don't, we can't see exactly.

It's like popping out of the shirt. It's popping out of his shirt. It's popping out of his shirt. And I went back like a couple of months ago or like a year. ago and his he has like another shirtless photo and it's not there. No. We can't tell exactly what it's the bottom of the travel tat. Oh no.

And he always looks so awkward anyway. Jeff has one tattoo, my boyfriend, on his fingers, a little mustache tattoo. Like what everybody, like every hip's from Brooklyn got like 10 years ago and all of his friends got it whatever, but he wanted to get this one, speaking of like Chochie ones. And it was going to say, oh, oh, you're the author of your own life or something. And he was going to get it on his chest. First of all, his chest tear. And I remember he's saying, Jeff, you're like a white Italian.

dude from Westchester, just want you to think what it's going to look like when you're sitting poolside with your three kids at the country club in like 10 years. He's like, that's a great point. You're the author of your own life. I'm like, well, what if you have fuck up your life, you know? Right, what if you're like super shitty book? You're in prison. You're like, well, I wrote this.

Yeah, well, I have a tattoo story to tell you, and then I want to talk about your man. Yeah, then we're going to talk about Jeff. My ex, I never told you this. He got a tattoo of his ex's lips on his chest. Oh, gross. Every morning when I would roll over, my lips would basically line up with the lips on his chest. You have to get that removed. Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah.

He's the guy that I got the butcher knife tat with also. Okay. Anyways, crazy. Don't you think that, I mean, everybody says it, but that's a kiss of death. As soon as you get a tattoo of somebody else. Of somebody else? Why would you fucking do that? Like, I don't even want my kids' names tattooed on my arm.

Like, what if I don't like them? When my dad was, God's sake and he was about to pass, I was like, dad, I'm going to get a tattoo with your name. And he literally looked at me in the hospital and he goes, don't be a jackass. He was like, don't put my fucking name on your arm, Heather. And I was like, my daughter, I want. And he's like, no, it's going to look tacky. Don't do it.

I was like, all right, dad. You don't put a bumper sticker on a belly. Yeah, Heather. Yeah, exactly. I have seven bumper stickers. That's okay. But you have the cool vibe that you can pull it off. Right.

Oh, really? Thank you. I have eczema. Examine tattoos don't blend. Really and truly they don't. You know, you never know where I'm going to have a flare up, and I would get like something like daddy's girl in my arm and then it'd be like inflamed.

Right. It's a gamble. I can't do that. Oh my God. It's true, though. I love that your death's like, don't be jack on his deathbed. He's dying his last words. We're like, don't be an asshole.

He literally. And then like I take after my dad, my mom, my sister are really, really tiny petite. And my dad, like I built like an ox. I have the big broad shoulders. And my dad was a large jute. And he, so he died of pancreatic cancer. And obviously we can laugh about this. So nobody get uncomfortable.

And he was like, he got really thin right before he got sick. And we had no idea. Like from the day of diagnosis to the day of death, that was seven days. So we had no idea he was even sick. So we like rush him to the hospital. Oh my God. Oh my God.

And he was like, God, damn it. He was like, he lost all this weight. And he looked at me dead seriously. He's like, Heather, I need you know this right now. He's like, you're built like me. If you start getting thin, you're probably fucking done. He was like, so don't trust it. He's like, don't lose too much weight.

If you start losing weight, you're a big girl. And I was like, so I always know, I'm like, keep that in the back of my mind. So I always tell Jeff, I'm like, Jeff, if I started to get too thin, like we've got to get myself checked, you know? I'm not, it's not natural for me to be thin. Let's buy a casket, not a wedding dress. Yes, exactly. I get really, really thin dress.

That is so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. But it's so true. I'm just, but he's seriously. I'm losing weight and you're like, well, I'm dying. So his last words, you were you're built like an ox like me and all. Don't get too thin, you're dying.

And don't be a whore and get a tad. I was like, that's my dad. That sounds fun. Yeah, he was fun. Yeah. I want to talk about your man. Yeah. You've been together for eight years.

We have eight years and, yeah, next February. That's a long time. That's longer than most relationships that I know for sure. It is, and it's funny. You know, we met when we were kids in New York, and we've actually been long distance, probably, like, six out of the eight years. And it's funny, people are like,

well, you guys probably have, like, broken up and tape breaks. I'm like, no, we've really been, like, solid, madly in love from, like, the day we met. I don't know. I mean, I think I hit the jackpot. Like, it's just a very mature relationship. And when I was doing comedy in New York, I was like, Jeff, I really got to go to L.A.,

and he was like, I want you to follow your dreams. Like, we'll make it work. I don't want you to ever look back and say, I held you back from, you know, following your passion. And, you know, we were actually laughing about it today. Like, I feel like our relationship is, it's like both investing in a startup. Like I'm Mark Zuckerberg. He's team jobs.

Like, we both saw the potential in each other. So it's like building that foundation. I mean, I just know he's going to be successful and I will too. So it's just, I don't know. It just works. We're really proud of each other. I think that's all. And, I mean, you have a big personality.

Like, it's like if someone's going to love you so hard or like you're not for them. Right. Like, I feel like we're all kind of the same in that way. And so it's like he's not going to find someone. else like you ever. No, ever. So it's like, if you meet somebody, you're like, yeah, this is the thing. I like you said that.

You're not the kind of girl that, like, people just put you in a corner and you could slot you into any situation. And that's what's really good about you. And like, yeah, not every guy is going to be like, you know, I'll just stick her in a kitchen and it's fine. Oh, yeah. Well, that's also like a point of intent with his mother because I like, I'm actually Italian dude, but I can't make meatballs.

So it's like a whole thing. I'm like, Jeff, I'm going to be a career woman. I'm not going to be in the kitchen. He's like, do your thing. Even though you got the henna tattoo. Yeah, even though I got a hint of tattoo of meatball. Exactly. It was a prophecy.

So you guys met, I mean, we don't, I'm sure just people are curious. You met through a mutual friend. Yeah, we met my best friend at Ole Miss was from New York and grew up with her. And I was living in New York for like two years and like the only guys who'd hit on me were like tiny little Jewish guys, which, you know, live your truth, but like I'm like, you know, five, ten. Right. It's my truth.

Yeah, it's your truth. You know, they were the only ones who had like, the balls like come up to me. You know, I guess they had nothing to lose. So, and then, you know, we met and he thought he, he was working in National. at the time, and he always says, like, he thought he was going to get out in Nashville and, like, find a Southern Bell. And I was like, you had to come back to New York to find her. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we couldn't be more opposite, but it just works. Like, he's the only person who can tell me, like, you're being crazy. Like, shut it down. And I respect him enough to them. For sure. You're right. You're right, Beth. I'm being crazy, you know? Right.

And it's like a huge side. Well, and I used to say, like, what guys that I really had were good with, like, managed me well. Like, I kind of need to be a little, like, managed sometimes, you know? That's why we get along because I just ignore her when she's. starts having an how to do problem. I managed her well. Yeah. She manages me well.

This is like a marriage, you know? God, yeah. So your two years that you were together, you guys in New York when you were in the same place? Yeah, so we were in New York, and then I literally went out to LA to visit friends. I was like, I gotta go. I got to just do it.

So now, yeah, you've got to really tell us. Like, we've not done, well, random, we tried to do a long-distance episode once. Here's a behind-the-scenes thing for you guys. We actually did record a long-distance episode once. It was, well, it was based on our exes. They're not very exciting. That's always a good subject.

Yeah, we both have had long-distance relationships with the two most boring guys we've ever dated. And so we did this episode, it sucked so bad. We scrapped it. It's the only one that's ever gone in the trash. It was more boring than the relationships were somehow. I don't even know how that. Like, we are so funny,

it's the only episode we've ever scrapped out of like 40 episodes right in the trash. And at the end of the day, clearly those guys weren't for us, but we broke up with them. So we would love to hear from you, like, how you guys make it work. I mean, I think our listeners want to know and, like, we're curious. like you have a really solid relationship and you've been apart a whole lot.

It's also very rare that you guys live, you were in the same city for years and ended long distance, which is very rare. I mean, I don't know if we're just like two very independent people, but I still find, like, I still like him, and that's probably why we have a strong relationship. So many, I mean, I have great friends who have been married and, you know, love their spouses,

but we had that time apart, so we actually still like each other. Like, you know, I'll see him every, like two or three weeks, we have great sex, and then I get to send his ass home and like, I'm like, go make money, you know what I mean? And then I can still have my life and do my thing. And then it's really great because he has a really solid group of friends and I do too.

And so when we come together, it's like we've expanded our social circle. It's not just like, you know, I have girlfriends who only hang out with their husband's friends, you know, whatever. It doesn't work that way. How often do you guys talk? Like, what's your daytime routine like each other? Are you texting all day long? I'm such a phone girl. Like, Jeff will text me in the morning because he's up way earlier than I am and just like, love you.

Doing construction? Doing construction. My little engineer. Send you got like a hard hat pick. Oh, okay, this is so funny. All right. So he won't be mad if I talk about this. So he meant to send me a, I don't know why he was sending me a topless photo of him

and like his old man like towel like tied too high up around his waist, but he was getting ready one day. And he calls me Muffin Lady. It's just this thing. I don't know why. And so he sent me a photo. Well, he thought he was sending me a photo of him topless. And it says, have a great day, Muffin Lady.

I love you. He's in it to his group chat of his fantasy football league. No! Yes. And it's like literally like six Italian dudes who all live in Jersey. And their names are like, Polito, Rizzo, Mikey, Johnny. Good looking Nick.

Yes, Nikki numbers. Tommy, two times. So I'm like, thank God it was not his penis, right? Because they would never let him live that down. Did he play it off? Like, he really meant to set it down. No, he was literally the entire group. So they blew up this photo of him.

I feel like it was even worse than the dick pick. Like, I feel like the back that it was like a towel. Yes. It's like. Way worse, because then you know that you're trying to be cute. He's not like it's like a dick tank and he's like, what's good? Look at my junk.

It was literally like, I love you. You're the greatest. So his boys So now they're like the main like avatar photo for their fantasy football league Is that? Is that? That's amazing.

Like screenshot of it's saying like I love you muffin lady He's like so mortified That's his team, the muffin ladies Yeah the muffin ladies Yep Yep Yeah yeah yeah

The muffin tops I mean we talk all the time But I feel like the art of like actually Like I'm the kind of person Don't text me pick up the phone Let's even chat for five minutes Right You know

You're that friend Yeah Everybody has like that friend That always wants to talk on the phone Yes exactly I am that person friend and I know some people find that annoying. No, I'm not saying like that.

Yeah, I'm not that friend, but I love my friends that are like that. But you and I do. But you're my wife. Right, true. Talk to you all that. Like, that's the thing. There's like three people in my life I talk to the phone, you know, so it's like after that you can't handle anymore.

I don't have time for any of that. But I mean, do you feel like, do you feel like you know what he's doing all the time? Like you're connected like the day and day out. I've never once in my life and maybe once some girl come back, I've been like, I've been fucking him for years. No, I'm kidding. But I've never once been like worried about him. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Because honestly, and this is not cheesy, but I'm really truly marrying my father and I had a great relationship with my dad and I'm so grateful for that. And there's so many qualities about Jeff that like my dad and Jeff had a great relationship. And like, it's just a respect thing. Like, I like the person that he is. Right.

And I think so many times, you know, women are trying to date this like, you know, I don't want to date the guy with six-pack abs. Well, the idea of what you're supposed to have and not like what you actually enjoy. You don't really like the person. Right. That was like my long-distance relationship. He was great on paper and he were still friends. Like he's really smart.

He's self-made. He brings self through law school. His parents, his dad's like a construction worker. Nobody expected him to do anything in his life. He had tons of friends. He wanted to do a lot of stuff. He's all the things you want. I just didn't really like him.

Right. And I don't know. I trusted him. I really did. I think that that really kept the relationship alive long distance-wise. Like I think some girls are afraid to have long-distance relationships. Like he had a lot of really pretty successful girlfriends in D.C. And I don't know you just.

to decide you trust the person, I guess. Yeah. But, like, I don't know. I just didn't like hanging out with them that much. Well, I mean, I mean, like, you know what I mean? Like, I look at my exes from college and I'm like, oh, God, what was I thinking? Who was I? Yeah.

Yeah, like, just boring. Yeah. And honestly, Jeff can handle me. I always joke, like, if Jeff got hit by a bus tomorrow, the only guys who even hit on me, it's never white dudes. It's because I feel like I have, like, a strong energy and the only guys who can handle that are like, cool black dudes who are like, girl, you know, like, I want to be cat called walking down the street.

Right. You know what I mean? Because like a white guy named Dylan or Chad, they can't hand him. I don't know what to do with you. You're wearing a wig. Whoa, your voice is quite a loud. You know what I mean? Do you feel like you, I'm not suggesting you do,

but like, do you feel like you would emasculate some guys that aren't just strong enough to stick up to you? I think we all would. Yeah, I'm a chameleon, though. Like, I'm very, you know, I know that there's like different roles in a relationship. But it's just even like, I think physically my type being, you know, tall, curvy, blonde girl, white guys just were not. they really didn't hit on me.

Is that a weird thing to say? But they just didn't. No, I mean, I'm not some small, petite Southern girl, you know, like I didn't really have the best luck dating, especially in the South. Right. You want a good moment, though.

You want to feel good about yourself. Go to Lennox Mall in Atlanta. And I literally was walking down the mall. And it's always the days I have no makeup on, like yoga pants. This guy was like, damn, girl, I want to tickle yo toes and make you spaghetti. And I literally turn around and I was like,

that is so specific. And I love spaghetti. Like, I was just like, I love it. You know, it's that kind of energy. It really is just that kind of, like, fearless energy where you're like, I'm attracted to that, you know? Like, I'm all about, like, female empowerment and the Me Too movement. Like, I'm so here for that. Like, creeps are creeps, we need to get rid of them.

But I don't want, like, my best part of my day is when I'm walking down the street. And I make sure I'm on the other side of the, like, the construction side or whatever. You know, it's a safe distance. But when they whistle, and they're like, you look beautiful. I'm like, I do, sir, thank you. I don't. Like, I don't ever want that level of harassment to stop. You know what my mom said to me if you, she said, you know, men, you're

to do that to me and they don't anymore and you'll be sad when that stops. And I was like oh that's true, you know? I remember I'm a 70 year old Jewish woman. Right. But like yeah I never thought about that before. As long as she's not threatening. No, it's honestly there is a line. There's these guys out, these construction guys outside my building and they were

like hollering like, you single, you single and like wouldn't stop and I was like pissed. I'm like, this is ridiculous. There's such a line. There's like, hey, you're beautiful, thank you. We'll never be upset at that. Right. And then there's like, you're in my face and I feel unsafe. And, you know, but yeah, I mean, this little Spanish guy was outside my building and he was like, hello, you're very pretty.

And I was like, thank you so much. Right. Now, if his penis was out and he, like, he feels worried about that and his penis is in his hand, then we got a problem. But I don't know, I just think. And I like, Jeff never knows what he's getting with me because I always like do all these different characters. So I always have a bag of wigs with me. And he just never knows who he's getting. He's like, who are you today?

You know, it's what's funny about it. That's great. Like, it's like you're dating. He's dating a couple different people. Always. Like it never is going to get bored Like that's the thing I'm like just date me

Because you're never going to be bored Like even if I'm like a little crazy It's like at least you're not bored Right We had a girl in the studio last week Nikki Glazer She's like I love Nikki, she's so great

And she said something that like Ashley and I really feel about it She was like maybe I'm not a 10 Which I totally disagree She's smoking hot, she was like I might not be the best looking girl in the world But I'm the coolest I'm the most fun

I'm the most exciting You're gonna hang out with I love that And like we're getting older Like I'm not gonna look like this forever Right And so, like, that's a great attitude. Oh, I've already, like, got a deal done with, like, my plastic surgeon.

Dr. Nelson Castillo. Well, if he does boobs. I'm looking for some new titties. He's got, he does great boobs. He just, he does my Botox now, but I literally told him, I was, when I went in for my first, like, you know, doctor's visit, I literally, like, I tried to take my top off. And he's like, what are you doing?

I was like, oh, I just thought you, like, circle parts on my body. No, he's like, I'm an eye doctor. Get out of here. Why's your shirt off? He's like, no, Heather. Paul! Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. What? That really got Paul. Yes. You're like, you're an optometrist. So when you guys, I love this long-distance stuff. When you guys see each other, does he come to you? Do you come to him? Back and forth.

It's a give and take. You know, when we've been long distance for so long, but it was really had a necessity and then he started, you know, doing, you know, finishing school and all this stuff. I mean, yeah, we just go back and forth. Honestly, it's kind of like I have this, like, exciting boyfriend. I honestly really love what you're saying, though, about it forces you to still have another life. And I think that's so important. And we talk about those all the time.

And that's one thing that I think of kept my parents together for 40 years is that they totally still have separate lives and friends and they travel separately and going trips with their friends. And they have these different clubs and hobbies and interests that neither, that they both aren't a part of. And so that keeps it fresh and they still have stuff to talk about. And so I don't know. I know couples that have been long distance for like their whole relationship five, six years, where it's almost like what's going to happen if we finally live in the same city. That's kind of the situation we're in right now.

And like people say they're like, oh, what's going to happen? I'm like, we're either going to murder each other or make 15 babies. I don't know. But I always tell Jeff, I'm like, we would never break up. There'd never be a divorce. They're one of us would literally do a passionate killing. Like, it would be snapped. And if I caught him doing something shady, I'd sit in prison for the rest of my life,

like just like with the shit eating and grin, like, well, you're never going to be happy with another woman. You know, like, I'd be fine with it. Chrissy Teagan says she, like, walks around with a note in her pocket always. It says John did it in case someone ever kills her. Oh, my gosh. So that he has to go to jail. And you said something, and I really wanted to, oh, about you having like your own lives.

Like we get so many emails from girls saying like, I can't get over my breakup. It's one of like the number one emails we get, I think. And like, I think it's because, and I was super guilty of this too when my fiance left me. I had no life outside of him. So like when that ends, you're like, I have no life. Right. I have no hobbies. I have no other friends.

Right. It's such a terrifying fear. I mean, it's a bummer. Like, you know, trust me, we've had our moments where I get like super bummed out, where I go out with all my married friends and I'm like the 10th wheel, you know, when Jeff can't make it in town or whatever we're doing. But it's nice to have, you gotta have your own shit.

And I think after my dad passed, it was so interesting to see my mom was such a support friend. My parents had the most, like, loving. They really, like, genuinely loved each, like, liked each other. You know, you don't like the person. And so I had such a great example growing up of, like, real, just passionate love, and my mom was 11 years older than my dad.

But it was interesting seeing my mom's kind of... Yeah, my mom was an original cougar. 11 years older. Oh, I missed that. Sorry. Oh, my gosh, 11 years older. And that's your aunt, right? My best relationship I've ever seen in my life, best example. My aunt, my uncle, she's 10 years older than my uncle. I've never seen people more in love.

I always yell at Ashley, where are you going to go? Every time she's always like, John, I'm going to leave you. And he's always like, where are you going? Right, exactly. It kills me. Yeah. All right, so, I keep going. I just had to latch on to that.

I'm like, Robin. Yeah, Robin was like, she was like the original cougar back in Miami. They met at Eastern International Airlines, and they were in baggage claim, and my mom asked my dad out. She, like, saw him and he had a baseball hat on. She's like, he's young and cute. He was working and was like, you were cute, let's go to lunch.

Like, very straightforward. Yeah. Okay. Like, you gotta be ballsy. I love the confidence. Look, we always say the worst thing somebody's going to say to you is no. Right. Who cares?

Yeah. Then you move on. Yeah. So how do you guys, how do you guys like keep it spicy and exciting? Do you do like phone sex stuff? You know what? Phone sex.

I've already got that, like, that phone sex voice. I'll have phone sex with you. I will say this. Or like sexting, I guess. is kind of the new, I don't know. Yeah, we're sex. I mean, you know, we've definitely, like, FaceTime, you know, like had some fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, Jeff is so damn loose with his iPad. I swear to God, he almost loved it on the subway one day. I was like, Jeff, there are photos. Like, either my sex tape is going to, like, launch my career or it's just going to end abruptly. Right. So, and I'm just like, you can't leave that out, not locked. You know, we've never made a video. Like, I actually, I don't understand when everyone's like, let's take a sex tape.

I'm like, I don't want to see myself have sex. I don't either. Nothing about that, like, voice. The realistic meta movement is like sexy. Like I'm happy with my body. I think that would change that. Like if I watched myself have sex, I'd feel like, oh my God. Right.

Faces you probably make when you have sex. Are you everybody. You specifically actually. When Ashley calls me, there's a photo of us, our live show in Atlanta, actually, at City Winery. Ashley, for one moment, the photographer, like caught her in this like, you know what I just had like an express face. My face won't even hold Botox.

It'll hold it for two months. And then, like, doctors have told me. They're like, I'm like, I can't believe I, you know, spent so many years in the sun and they're like, no, that's just your face. Like they're like, no, I can tell by being with you for five minutes what you do with your face. Like I've had doctors be like,

I'm not going to put it down too low because you're going to be upset if you can't raise your eyebrows. They're like, your face is out of control. Yeah. My thing to is like, I actually am one of those people. I think I look better naked than I do. You know, because like when... In a bikini is worse.

Yeah, way worse. Like trying on bikinis and looking at myself in bikinis, like I would just rather be naked. Yeah. They do nothing. Because then everything kind of falls naturally and it's like one, like, moving piece. I did, like, when I'm just in, like, jeans with, like, just a bra and, like, things cut me off.

Like, I'm, I'm so much more comfortable just, like, fully nude. And so much Jeff actually, maybe we should start doing some, like, plus-size porn. Honestly, honestly, I got to bitch this when I get home. With the construction hat? With the construction hat. Yes. We're at, like, a CBS studio. There's somebody here that can make you famous.

Yes, right? You'll ask Paul later. Yeah, Paul. Yeah, Paul. Yeah, let's talk. All right. Yeah, maybe that's why we should be doing. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I don't even know what we were still talking about, but just, I guess, you know. Oh, just how do we keep it spicy? Well, and just, I mean, if some, it doesn't seem like to me that you guys really need to try that hard. Yeah, we love each other. We really laugh. You prioritize your time. Yeah, and we're goofy and he has the same, like, giggly sense of humor as me, and we laugh our asses off.

Yeah. I mean, it's so cliche, but if you don't, if you can't laugh, like, I've done everything in front of Jeff, I'm not embarrassed by anything anymore, you know, and he still loves me. So his, like, ultimate celebrity crush is Kate Epton, and I'm like, great. She's just like a way more in-shaped version of me, right? And, that's perfect. Big tits. Yeah.

If you're with somebody and they name somebody that's not anything like you. Right, what you think is like Natalie Portman, like the most vanilla person on her? Actually, it's funny. Our first date, we went to Bryant Park and we went ice skating and I was so nervous. And this is literally eight years ago. And I was so nervous, I was just trying to make small talk. I was like, who's your celebrity crush? And at the time, he was like, you know, Emil Aquinas, Ava Mendez.

And like, literally named like all like petite brunette women. I left the date. Okay, let me actually back up. So we're skating, Jeff, it's like in the middle of the day. Jeff thinks he's having like the time of his life. You want a day date for your first day date? And Bryant Park, so cute, like holding hands. Then we have like a whiskey afterwards, like right outside the park.

Oh, this is cute. He's like, all right, my dad's going to pick me up from the date and literally like high fives me because his dad, he lived in Westchester. So his dad was like leaving the city from work and like swooped him up on his way home. So I'm like, wait a minute. This guy just told me he likes brunettes and his dad just picked him up from the date. I was like, are we just friends? And the high five.

And the high five. And he left the date like, I'm going to marry her. I love this bitch. So I end up going to a bar by myself. I get wasted. I FaceTime my sister. My sister's like, oh, fuck. She's like, how bad did this date go?

He had no idea. So six months later, he comes to Atlanta, meets my whole family. And my dad's like, son, we're glad you're here, but we didn't see this coming because whatever you did on the first date and Jeff was blindsided. So now when Kate Upton came around, he's like loves Kate Upton. And so, but I always remind him, if Jeff is pissing me off,

I always say like, you know what? I bet. what Kate Epton's doing right now. I bet she's having like hot diarrhea. And he's like, don't say that. Like, you cannot, don't ruin that. Yeah, well, she takes dumps just like may. Oh my God. But I just say that I'm like, you know what? I bet Kate has a real tummy ache right now. And I want you to imagine that Kate having diarrhea. He's like, you are the most evil vile. He's like, don't ruin that for me. Wait, that's amazing. I'm going to tuck that away. Yeah. I just love, that is so male and female that like, you walked away, like, well, that was a bust.

Yeah. And he's like, I'm going to mirror that girl. And I'm like, Jeff, you had your. dad scoop you up from the date? Right, like, why even tell me? Just don't tell me. Yeah, just make up any story. I got to go. My friend's in the hospital.

Yep. Some guy can't, some guy canceled a date on me the other night because he said he had to go to a funeral on a Saturday night. Okay, but no, what he said was in quotes. He said he had to go to a funeral slash reception. No, he said wake slash reception, like in quotes. And I was like, allegedly? Allegedly, yeah. Make anything else up.

Seriously? Well, you're Jewish. So do, when you, when you should. Siva, is that an evening thing or does it matter? So Shiva, for like people who don't know this, is like a, God, it's seven or eight nights. When somebody dies, you like at night, you go to somebody's house and you have dinner,

you cover all the mirrors, the rabbi comes. Anyways, yeah, it's a nighttime thing, but it's not like a party. It's a very sad somber thing. Right, was he, like, like, 1 a.m., like, oh, you up? I'm done at the reception, you up? Yeah.

No, I did want to ask you, and I don't think that this is the case for you at all, especially because you guys lived together for a couple years, but I think a lot of people for like long-distance relationships, we get this question is like, are you afraid that when you do live together, like your relationship, be like, oh my God, I didn't know that you were like, you know, that'll change.

We didn't really live together actually because he was long-distance. I mean, even like when we were here, he was flying back and forth every week to Nashville, but literally he'd like fly home on a Friday and leave on a Monday, I think. No, I know everything about him. I mean, we've been together eight years. We've been through my dad's death. We've been, he's lost family members.

Like, we've been through it. So I think once you go through something kind of traumatizing, you know everything about each other. Now, will he probably, like, leave his socks and underwear on the floor and I'll, like, beat him over his head one day. Like, sure. But I'm not worried about the, like, the minute things. The one thing is, though, Jeff is, like, one of those guys who acts like he's not a prima donna. I'm always ready before him. And he'll argue, like, oh, or it takes me five minutes to get ready.

45 minutes later, like, I lied to him about plans. I will tell him, babe, dinner's at 8.30. Oh, my God. That is so funny. He's a late one. at a, like, glacial pace. Glacial pace. And, like, everything, and he puts on a shoe.

I'm like, can you put on this shoe faster? Like, why does it take 35 minutes for you to put on your shoes and your jeans? Then he, like, Jack's his wallet. It's a whole, like, he's so funny. He's a creature of habit, and I'm not. Like, he's got to have the same breakfast every day, and he likes, he likes old man things. Yeah, old. It's like my, I feel like she's describing my 72-year-old dad.

Yeah. Oh, Jeff likes the paper. He likes his bacon, egg, and cheese in the morning. I love it. So, cute. Yeah, it is cute, but also you're like, okay. Okay. And then he'll get like...

Spice it up, Jeff. Yeah, spice it up. He'll get like really bad heart burn at night because literally he wakes me up in the middle of the night. He's like, I think I'm having a heart attack. We're going to go to the hospital like panicking. And I'm like, babe, what did you have before dinner? Right.

Hallopinia poppers. I'm like, that's called heartburn, Jeff. Yeah, you have acid reflux. But I like what you're saying, which is that like, these are really small things that should scare you about a person. Like, you know, their socks being around or maybe they fart in bed. Like, I obviously never made the move to go live with the person that I was distance with, but my brother and my sister-in-law were long distance for years. She lived here,

and he lived in Chicago. And, like, their life was pretty cool before they lived together. They took a lot of trips. It was always, like, party time in New York or Chicago, and they sighed to other. And he said to me, when she moved there, I was a little concerned because all of their time together was just vacations and things like that. Right. So I was like, okay, once this is, like, real life, like, what is this going to be like for them? And a couple months into her living there, I said to him, like, how is this going? And he said, he got, like, a little choked up because he's not like a really like emotional guy and he was like you know I always knew I loved her but I didn't know that I could love a person this way. Oh my God that's so sweet. And like I just he's

you know just seeing her after work and like I just love him so much so I get choked up talking about them. But you're just seeing her after work when I've had a bad day and just having to like go through that together every day like makes me better. Yeah. So that's what you hope. It's an Evan Flo. flow and I mean our relationship's not perfect but you know I'm like he's just a good guy and and my dad You know, Jeff, when my dad got sick, Jeff flew down to immediately, like, as soon as we knew things were going south. Yeah. He flew down and asked my dad for my hand. Oh, my gosh.

He's just that good guy. He was like, I'm not, you know. Like, I don't know. He's just an amazing person, and I'm super grateful. But I went through a lot of horrific dates, a lot of bad guys before I met Jeff. I kind of want to talk about that, but I also wanted to talk about, I mean, you lost your parents. So did that affect your relationship anyway, or did it obviously strengthen it? It sounds like he was there.

We went through a little period where it was hard because right after my dad died, like that was the only hard part about long distance. Because when I was like immediately grieving, I really needed him and he was working his ass off. So it wasn't like I needed to just come home and like lose my shit at 4 p.m. and him be there. And that was the hard thing. He's like, you know, and he wanted to be there for me, but we were having to both work on the other sides of the country.

Yeah, I mean, look, it just puts things totally in perspective. And that's another big thing when people message me and they're like, why aren't you guys married or why aren't you engaged it? I literally, when my dad died, I was like. It's on your business. Shut the fuck up. Anyway, B. What kind of fucking question is that?

We'll get to that. That's crazy. Especially women. I'm sorry, women are insane. He's that on that story. Middle-aged white women are the biggest trolls on the internet. Here's what I think, though, especially in the South, people really equate a lot of happiness to marriage and children.

And so they look at you and they think, like, I want her to be happy. Why isn't she choosing happiness? I'm trying to validate their own life. Yeah. I mean, they just think that, like, they're projecting on you, like, what they want. And that's crazy to me. Like, how many people are in an eight-year relationship and still happy? Like, that is a huge accomplishment.

I feel like we're already married. It's funny though now. But sorry, we interrupted. No, no, no. But now people, like, we'll chime in and they're like, I'm so confused. Where does Jeff live? Why are y'all in a hotel? I don't know.

Understand. Like, people are literally need the full breakdown. When my dad, it'll be three years on December 23rd that my dad passed and I looked at Jeff, I already knew he got my dad's blessing. And I was like, you go finish grad school. I need to grief. You know, I know you're not going anywhere. You did the, like, we knew we were going to get married like the day we met.

Literally date two, I was like, you want to do this? He's like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we said I love you very early on. Yeah. So it's just like the timing. I was like, let's finish her shit and I got to grieve. And this is one thing that really pisses me off.

I'm so glad I'm getting those off my chest. When women message me and they're like, the wedding, the wedding, do people not realize, like, my dad's not walking me down the aisle? And I've talked to so many other girlfriends who now went through the same thing. And they're like, your priorities change. You know, I would probably go get like a lope tomorrow or something. Like, this is some, you know, I don't know. Yeah.

like, oh, the wedding, what are you going to do for the wedding? I'm like, I'm going to do something a little non-traditional because my, it's changed for me. Sure. Also, as you get older and your priorities change, like, I, first of all, my parents aren't going to live another 20 years to recuperate the money that they would spend on a wedding for me. So I would never accept my parents spending $100,000 on a wedding, which is what costs in New York. Right.

I would prefer to have the money to buy a house. Right. I'm in my 30s. I'm not going to make a bunch of girls dress up in the same dress. Oh, God, no. And like, I'm just not going to do it. Oh my God. I swear to God, if a guy proposed me,

he was like, well, you know, we have to have like a groomsman. I'm like, well, then let me know when you change your mind. Exactly. You're not marrying me. Right. Having a bunch of fucking people up there.

They're pregnant. Yeah. They got kids. They're moms. I'm putting them in a dress. I mean, no. Right. You ever see like a wedding party?

Everybody's pregnant. They're three kids. Hello. I'm from Atlanta, Georgia. My entire sorority is married with like seven kids. And I hate to, that's the only stereotype about the South that I'm like,

okay, a lot of my friends are married to kids. Yeah. Bridal party and Jeff's like he just wants like his two best buds. I was like, all my sister and my best girlfriend, that's it. I'm the same way. My best friend got married and she married a guy with a kid. It was his second wedding and they got married in Mexico and it was man or two sisters up there. That's fine.

That's fine. We picked your own dress. I've been to backguard weddings. I've been to like, you know, civil ceremonies at the courthouse and I've been to $2 million weddings in Puerto Rico. And I got to be honest with you, they're all like. They're all the same. Yeah, it's all the same shit.

It is all, some of these, what people are putting their bridesma's in is crazy. One of my good girlfriends was in a wedding a couple weeks ago. She's 38 years old. Skin tight, white, floor length, the dress. Get out of here. It was mean. This happened to another girlfriend of mine that these girls, you look at them and they're like, they're thin, they look great, but they're in skin tight floor length. Yes.

I'm like, why would you do this to somebody? Yeah. And I hope it didn't come off to like too aggressive of getting angry about when people message me about the wedding. I'm angry. I'd agree about it. It's like, mind your own business. Call me when you've lost a parent.

Yes. Because Jeff got blessed, thank God he's got his parents. I'm like, it's so different, especially for the bride. Like, my dad was my hero, and I don't have a... My mom and my sister will walk me down the aisle, which would be amazing. But I'm like, I just have to change, you know, my priorities and make those other... I just have to do things differently so that I'm not constantly reminded my dad's not here. And when people...

Okay, the number one thing... I'm like getting pissed for you. Yeah, come on. If somebody loses a parent or any significant other, don't ever say like, you know, they're always with you. Oh, are they Karen? Is my dad standing next to me? right now, shut up.

You know, I hate that shit. Everything happens for a reason. Oh, my dad got pancreatic cancer for a risen bitch.

I like literally will, like, knock your teeth out. I hate when you go through a tragedy and people just start like the idioms, people just start like

ramming down your throat. Like, like the sun will come out. We're going to get through this and I'm like, I know, but today I'm not through this. Today I'm losing my mind. All you need to say is I'm here for you.

I'm here for you and this really fucking sucks. Like my girlfriends who had lost me like, this is bullshit. shit, this fucking sucks, what do you need? Right. What can I do for you?

The biggest thing that I will say, and I learned, and I felt so, I felt so bad. After my dad, I was like, I have lost, I had so many friends that have lost, you know, important people in their lives, and I was not there for them. I was, like, mortified. It's really after the fact is important, but it's three months. It's at four months. Because when the dust settles. Yeah, everyone's forgotten.

Yeah. And that's, they did this, um, Time magazine. It was parents that have lost their kids in school shootings. Oh, God. And they said the world moves on and you don't. Yeah. And like that quote, like, just gives me chills to think about because, yeah, like, if you move on with your life,

but, like, you don't, a day doesn't go by that you aren't thinking about your dad. And so I really do love that you said that because everybody's on you for those first couple weeks. And then they move on with their life. And then there you are with this person that had this loss. And so I love that you said that. It's like, check in, like, months down the road. Right. And you don't have grief. Like, you know, on Thanksgiving, I didn't get upset. I had, like, a full-blown panic attack, nervous breakdown out of Costco, about four months after my dad died. I went in there and I was getting a bunch of stuff for a party my mom was having. And I just grabbed like the roll-decks of Costco cards and it was my dad's card. And I tried to use it. And I didn't realize. I was like,

shit, I only had my dad's old corporate card. And they're like, oh, this is expired. Also, your name's on it. I was like, I'm Heather Kyle McMahon. My dad's Kyle. And then the woman was just kind of giving me grief. And I finally had a panic attack. I was like, I can't call him to renew the fucking card because he's dead. And she looked at me and was like, and, and, and this is in the middle of Costco, and I was like, I am so sorry. I will be right back, and I went outside, had a nervous breakdown in the parking lot. And then I pulled my shit together, and I came in, I was like, ma'am, I am so sorry. She's like, girl, ice creams on me.

I literally got like a slice of pizza and, you know, did that good frozen yogurt. And I, like, had it out and she's like, I lost my mom too. Like, that's, you know, I felt so bad. It wasn't her fault, but I was like, I can't, it was that moment where I was like, I physically can't pick up the phone to make this call because this person is no longer here. Right. And that really just solidified it. You're like, oh, my God. it, this is real. And some days I'll still pick up the phone to, like, call my dad, and I'm like,

oh, and then it makes you feel crazy. And that's when you have to laugh. You're like, I'm just trying to call a dead person. I forgot. Yeah. It never goes away, but I think it's like a good reminder. Like, I'm always so cynical. People live in New York. I'm super intolerant. But, like, it is a good reminder that, like, you'd never know what other people are going through. Right. And, like, you should just be kind. Like, that clerk was just being a bitch to you. She was being a bitch to you. But the second she figured out what was going on. Right. She's like, oh, damn, I did not mean to get into this.

But I'm sure also, I mean, my best friend, Corey, lost her dad at 12. And so I think it just makes, like, it's so like, don't sweat the small stuff. Like, she just doesn't ever get upset. She's like, the worst thing has happened to me. Like, I think she's just way more, I don't know, easy going, go with the flow, little things don't bother, you know. It did affect a couple relationships I have with friends where, especially like my girlfriends who had daddy issues and I realize so many friends have daddy issues, right? How so? I just like, you know, they don't like their dads.

and I would just kind of, I couldn't listen to that bitch about their dad. And I was like, I fucking liked mine. Right. This is what I realized, the assholes have to stick around for a long time. Once the good ones are good, they, you know, they go to the better place. But the assholes have to stick around because they have a lot of time to, like, make up for shit, you know? So if you're still on the surf, you probably did somebody wrong and you need to check back in and make it right. I mean, really and truly, I was like, oh, well, my dad's gone because he was the shit.

Like, you pee, T, P. I think it's, like, a really good reminder as your parents go to, right? It's, like, a deeper, darker topic. I know, right. I really did not get along. My mom, we've had a really rough go at it for like 30 years. And we really thought we didn't speak for an entire year. And I like came to peace with it.

And I was just like, we're never going to get along. And unfortunately, I'm really close to my stepdad. And my dad's close with her and my brother. And no relationship with her meant no relationship with everybody. And, you know, they're getting older and you just don't want to lose those, like, abilities to talk to them every time, you know? And so I just decided that, like, being right all the time wasn't worth not having a relationship with her.

100%. And I don't need to, like, prove anything. Like she's a good person and she did everything in the world for me growing up and I don't need to like prove anything. And so like we haven't had a fight in two years. We get along really well. Even like when my parents call me and I'm like, oh, I don't want to talk right now.

Like I always answer because my parents are in their 70s. I always have to check myself if I find myself getting like a little annoyed. You said that about your mom. I also get annoyed with my mom and I'm just like, she doesn't do anything on purpose. They're just getting older. They're like their technology. Like things move a little bit slower.

I'm just like, oh, the iPad with my mother. Also the passwords. My mom has 67,000 password, yet somehow she still gets hacked. And I'm like, Mom, just get one neutral password that you can remember. My mom's always getting hacked. The credit card's been compromised. So many, but there's a book of passwords.

When my brother and I go home for the holidays, they have to hand us this book and we have to crack the code of which password goes with what. Does your mom somehow butt dial you from an iPhone? I'll pick up the button and she'll be like, did you just call me? You called me. Do you know how phones work? My mom doesn't know the difference between a booty call and a butt dial. So we were literally in TVS like last week and she's like, Heather, somebody keeps booty calling me

and screaming in on like aisle too and I was like, bum, that is not the same. I'm like, you need a butt dial? That's what she means, you know? Were your parents married when your dad passed by? Uh-huh, yeah. Is she dating anybody now? Oh, no, but I'm telling you I could run a full like side hustle

of just helping men in like their 60s and 70s with their bumble profiles. It is deplorable, the shit that's on match for people who are like women over 50. Do you go on for your mom, like check out what's on there? Yeah, so I actually run her Bumble, and I'm afraid Bumble, please don't shut me down if you hear this. Okay. Bumble for, I'm sorry, I'm trying to process this, like Bumble for like 50.

Right. It's interesting. I get better matches in New York because it's a lot more like, you know, she's better quality guys. Yeah. It's interesting, though, because my mom's in this weird space where because she was so much older than my dad, at her age, they either want the nurse or the purse. And my mom's hot. She's a little mink.

She doesn't look a day over 50. So at her age, the guys that are in their set. My mom's like, I want to date a guy like probably early 60s, mid-s and, 60s, right? Right. Those guys want the 22-year-old. It's a weird space. It's so weird, yeah.

So, but some of these guys, like on match, like, we put my mom on match, it was so, I was physically shook. Two guys were in the hospital, both on oxygen tanks. Like, they didn't even give a shit. They weren't even trying. You know, one guy was like, my name's Danny. I'm married. My wife doesn't, like, fuck me anymore, so she knows I'm on here, let's do it.

Like, just, like, nothing left to live. Oh, like, damn. Being a fuck boy, like in the hospital? They never change. They never change. Never ever change. Like, we get so many, we're always kind of shocked of the range of our listeners. Like, it's literally 18-year-old girls and like 40-plus women.

Right. And we're like, how can everyone relate to this podcast? We're like, oh, right, because men never fucking change. They never change. Ever. Paul has agreed with that. In college, when you're 50, like it never. Some dude in New York sent my mom a message on.

Bumble. He's like, oh, I see you're down in Atlanta. He's like, I hate Atlanta. Like, that was just it. And so I was like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, trying to respond as my mom. And I was like, oh, yeah. My mom's like sassy from Boston, but she's like, think she's southern. I'm like, oh, you hate Atlanta? Why hate New York City? You suck. I'm like, I literally got so upset. And Jeff's like, why are you like huffing and buffing in the car? I'm like, I am in a fight with this dude on Bumble. Like, that's your pickup line? Oh, you're from Atlanta? I hate Atlanta. He's like, my niece slums down there. She's a bench. I was like, this is insane. Like, we didn't neg somebody run off.

Right, you're trying to sleep with me, right? Like, is this how you're doing it? He's like, but I'll meet you in Charleston. That's me said, I'd love to meet you in Charleston. Like, he was going to fly down on his private jet. And I'm like, next. It was just a- Oh, you didn't tell me he had a private jet. Okay.

Guess what? Not interested. Even he got a private jet and you're rude. Yeah. Robin's got her own money. Thank you. Um, okay, I love that we cover these topics with you. I know.

We're really, like, cruising these topics with. Long distance especially. I always want to think, like, did we cover it? Like, I don't know. It kind of boils down to this what we preach all the time. Like, if someone's like, I'm in a long distance relationship and I'm worried that he's cheating on me, it's like, then it's probably not a solid relationship.

I know what I'm feeling. If you feel insecure and you're wondering what he's doing, then that's probably not good no matter what, because I just think any solid relationship can sustain whatever. And if it's not, then it's not going to, it's not working. Right. I never thought for one second. I mean, my ex and I, like, we,

I just never thought for one second that he was ever doing anything behind my back. If it's a competition, it's not going to work. You have to be each other's best advocate. Like, I build Jeff up. I'm like, my mom always taught me, she's like, you know, the whole point of being in a relationship is that you make each other's day easier and better. So if I'm making his day harder, like, what is the nitpicking bullshit fights? Right.

Yeah, we get into shit. You know, I'm like, it took you 45 minutes to put your socks on. But, you know, the day-to-day, my news show, I'm like, why would I want to make his life harder? I have also never been a needy woman. I see some of my girlfriends who are like, it's just, I'm like, you can't do anything. on your own. Right. You know, and I know how to play the dams in distress.

Like, Jeff also needs to be wanted. Like, I'm not so, like, I've got everything on my own. I don't even need you to help you get tired. Yeah, they all need to feel wanted. Yeah, they all need to feel wanted. We can't emasculate them. You know, we need to build them up. But also, you know, come on.

Like, get your life together, Cheryl. Right. You know? I can't really hang around whining women, though. No, no, no, no, no. Well, and we just say that we're, like, if you're whining about your life constantly change something, like this is crazy.

Whether it's your relationship or your job or whatever it is. It's like, I don't know what to tell you. Make a change. I don't know. But worrying about, like, being cheated on. It's like, if you know that every day you showed up to this relationship and you were the best version of sure yourself that you were ever going to be, you really try to build your man up. If he cheats on you, then, like, there is nothing you could have done to stop that. And no amount of, like, negging them, like, where are you going and who are you with? I could have called my ex every minute of every day. If he felt like fucking somebody, he would have. Right. Okay, so we always wrap up with the game.

every week. We wrote a new game for you. Ashley came up with this idea, so if you want to introduce it, it was really funny. I think a listener sent it this idea. I think so. Yeah, I think someone sent us, maybe DM'd me and they were like, you guys should do a thing where it's like, happy holidays to everyone but. And we, so we used to say this though. I think we used to be like, good morning to everybody except Tristan Thompson, you know, or whatever it was. Like, we just said that a lot, and this is probably they picked up on that. So we were like, oh, it's a holiday. So we'll kind of do this. Like, happy holidays to everyone but but do you have a few? Yeah, happy holidays to everyone but people traveling not efficiently. Okay. I am traveling a lot. I have no tolerance. If you're in

zone seven, do not get up with priority. If you bought your ticket on orbits, like, you know, last second, you're in the back. And don't cause the gate agent, like grief. When you get up there and they're like, sorry, we got to check your bag. Guess what, bitch, you check in your bag. Right. Plain size. Right. And they're yelling at the gate agent. And the gate agent's like, look, you can give me the bag or you can knock it on a plane. Like, we're not going to have this conversation any longer. When did we start traveling?

When did we, as like a society of humans, just become the worst at the airport? I get travel stressful. No, everybody. It makes me like, how can I not live like this? And I'm like, until I'm flying private. Like, every time I'm in the airport, I'm like, how can I just not do this? And I'm like, until we have a private plane. Sometimes I'm trying to fight her in the security line the other day.

Ashley turned out she's like, when you're going to punch me in the face at an airport. Because I was just kind of looking at my phone or whatever, not moving fast enough. I'm like, we're going to get there at the same fucking time. Like, me moving a few steps forward. Like, I don't want to be up on someone's ass. Right. That too. Crowding me.

Oh, get out of here. Happy holidays to everyone except people that are up your ass, like behind you in a line. It was hard for me to not write 100% airport-related stuff. Do you have one? Do you want to read one? Yeah. We're going to alternate. We're going to go out of course.

Happy holidays to every except for, what is it? Happy holidays to everyone, but... People that eat tuna sandwiches on airplanes. Oh, yeah. I mean, I love a tuna melt, but you don't do that in public.

Also, people that take their shoes off on an airplane. grown men... What are you doing? Sandals. Sir, we're a closed-toed, goddamn shoe. That is my biggest thing. Since when did men just start...

Okay, the gray sweatpants, these girls... Oh, okay. Well, I like a dick, I like a dick out line. No, but I like it. I like a gray sweat pant, but when you're putting a bag in the overhead compartment, and your ding-dongs in my face.

When did we start as a society dressing like we're going to a pajama party at the airport? Oh, no. You shouldn't wear sweatpants on a plane. Men should be wearing closed-toed shoes. I'm sorry. I don't care if you just came back in the Caribbean. And they stay on. Yes. Well, I don't understand.

You're on air, wear airborne and suddenly shoe rules don't count anymore. Like 10,000 feet you don't need fucking shoes on. I might take my shoes off on an international flight and wear socks. Well, yeah, you could do that, but you're not going to walk to the bathroom. No, of course not. Oh, you take your shoes off, yeah, but you still have a coverage foot. You're not raw dogging it all over the damn cabin. Raw dog.

Okay, happy holidays to everybody, but the people who don't say thank you to the captain and the crew as they're getting off the airplane. Right. My grandfather was a chief pilot for Delta Airlines for like 40 years. He won the Dedalian Safety Award, and every time I get off an airplane, I say, thank you so much. Right. And I was, you know, like, you thank them.

They got you there. life. Right. I don't understand you're so invested in your cell phone. You couldn't take one second to be like, thanks for not killing me. Right. Well, happy holidays to everyone, but people that don't say thank you ever. Like, they hand you a drink at Starbucks. You say thank you. The people that I've watched this. Thank you. Why are you embarrassed? Talk out loud. Okay, but a mumble's better than nothing. I mean, you see people just straight up. Are you an animal? You just don't say thank you. Happy holidays to everybody, except the people who are on airplanes when you get delayed and they feel like weather and they

cause a scene. I'm like, hey, guess what? There's a tornado rolling through town. If we're going to sit on the tarmac for two hours, I don't, you know, people who are afraid of flying just piss me off. They're like, oh my God, like, does the pilot know what he's doing? I always say, like, the pilot wants to get there as safely as you want to get there. If we've got a two-hour weather delay, because it's like, we're going through the eye of the storm, I will gladly sit my ass at the gate and wait it out. Okay, happy holidays to you guys who slip a finger in your ass during sex without a very thorough discussion of whether you want something in your ass. Great point.

Okay? Nothing will make me lose my heart on faster than a finger up. I don't want it. We needed to have a discussion. Right. Yeah. I mean, I guess if they start just moving around in that area, but you said you've had a guy just like straight up.

Literally I dated somebody who like every time I was about to get off, he'd do it. And I'd be like, you know that we don't have the same parts up there, right? Like, you have a G spot there. And I don't like this. Okay, happy holidays to everybody, but people who brag about eating ass, when did this become a thing? It's a thing. It's fully a thing. I don't get this. You know that girl in your group, her name's like always Brittany, and she's always like the person who, if somebody brags so much about their sex life and about how freaky they get, you know they don't. It's not real. Totally.

Yeah, it's always that girl's like, oh, you don't eat ass, like tries to make you feel bad. I'm like, I'm not getting anywhere near Jeff's hot zone. I know what he eats. I know what's coming up. Like, he and I just made that discussion. You don't know how Harris back there? Oh, my God. Get out of here. I feel like ass eating is the new pegging. Like, pegging was like a cool trend for like a year.

And now ass eating is like the newest hotspot. I'm not doing it. I'm putting my foot down. If you do it, I respect you, but I don't need to hear about it. I think you're right. People, there was some meme that was like guys that were born in the 2000s. Like, all they do was like something, something, play Fortnite and lie about eating ass.

Or something funny like that works. Last week. I just, I think people are out here. about it. They think it makes them sound cool and freaky. It's like, you put your tongue on somebody's butthole. You do know that you did that, right? I feel like it's the one thing if I was really into it. I wouldn't ever admit. Maybe it's so low key, right? Okay. I'm going to change gears. Oh, yeah, sorry. I've won for all of us. I'm ready. I won this. This is for all of us. Okay, happy holidays to everyone. But the verification team at

Instagram for you know what you did. Out here is not verifying us on Instagram? Are like the blue check people just on vacation? Like, what is going on? I've applied for it like a thousand times too. Because you just, you know. Every day I apply for it. Just every shitty reality show star gets a blue check and we're out here just creating. It's amazing. Tequila has like two followers, but she's verified.

Tequila tequila. Yeah, it's some bullshit. You have an IMDB credit for being the waitress who doesn't talk for 30 seconds on the marvelous Mrs. Maisel. You're fucking verified and I'm not. It's so unfair. And I got an email. You got to watch out for this.

I got an email that he's a spam one. Like a bot, yeah. Yeah. That says you've been verified. And they're like, we need your password. And I got so excited. I was literally like, oh, I'm sad. And my mom's like, why are you excited?

I'm like, I think I got verified. And then I realized I was, got to send money to, you know, Beijing. A Saudi prince. Also, happy holidays to everyone but who post a full concert on your Instagram story. Are you serious? Yeah, live in the moment. Live in the present. But nobody watches.

Yeah, like a full concert. What's the same people will post fireworks for an hour on this thing too. It's like, we all know what fireworks sound like. Okay. Happy holidays to everyone, except for guys who tell you, it just feels so much better when I don't use a condom. Okay, it feels better when I don't have your gonorrhea. 100%.

Thank you. But they're right, but okay. Yeah, I know. I love a little. I don't care. Do you like condoms? I don't love condoms, but it really makes almost no difference to me. But if you're going to use condoms, use Lola condoms.

They're a sponsor. I love that. Oh, I love that. They love the tampons, too, right? I love their tampons. I know. I never realized how important it was to not put chemicals in my... Like bleach in your pussy.

Let me bleach my vagina. I've read articles like, well, women want this, like, stark white product. I'm like, we don't fucking care. I don't care if it's purple as long as it's absorbent and, like, not going to give me, you know, some weird disease. Yeah. All right. I have one. This is personal for our listeners.

Happy holidays to everyone but the listener who took a photo with me at the meet and greet and then face tuned, me fatter so she could be skinnier. It looks like Ashley had a weird, like, deformed body. It was really funny. Did you call her out? I untagged it so quick. I did like the magnified. I don't want to insult our fans, but like I wanted to show her like I know what you did.

Like I just did the eyeballs and like the detective emoji. Yeah. Like I see what's going on. We were showing my mom either night. I had this like third tit coming out of my chest. I was just widened times two. Okay, I have a question. I have a friend who is like a bad face tuner.

Bad. And I don't do it simply because I'm like, it's just, I don't. Yeah, and I don't know how to like a person. the subject. I don't think you do. I don't think I knew either. Surely everybody else is thinking what I'm thinking, though.

I don't know, though. I don't want somebody being mean to her. I know, but isn't, aren't you sometimes like, God, like, is she, maybe someone should tell her. Maybe she's like, no one said anything. What is she doing too much of the smoothing? The smoothing? Or is she making herself too skinning?

The giant eyes and the, like, like the full white teeth. But it's to the point where she looks like that, you know, that kind of the her azuku, like, cartoony. Yeah. You know, when they do that, it's like that bubbled, glossyy, smooth look. she doesn't look anything like herself. Right. And then you're just like, it's weird. You're like catfishing people on a weird way.

Right. It's like me on my Instagram account because I use that filter and people think I'm pretty. But people can tell you're using a filter. You're not doing a filter for your regular photos. I did a commercial the other day and somebody was like, oh, that's what you look like. That's what you look like. Okay. Happy holidays to every single person except for people who say things like, I'm not on social media.

Like it's some existential achievement that you've managed not have Instagram. What do you... My best friend in the world. Anne-Marie, if you're listening, you know how I feel about this. Got off Instagram. And then she has the audacity to text me and be like, what's up?

I'm like, bitch, watch 48 stories and you'll know how my 24 hours went. So now I've got to re-explain my debauchery. Right. Like the olden days. Yeah. And she's like, well, I don't want to like get on it. Like, you know, I just like to live

in like the moment. I'm like, Annie, just get on. Like, you've been best friends since kindergarten and you literally are missing out on 90% of my life. Right. Because, okay. Okay, and I use this as an example to her. I was like, if you were on television or if you were a YouTube person,

you put that shit out there, I would go tune in. Right. Like, you're like, this is my job. Right. Exactly. Right. She's missing gold. I like your stories are very fine.

I have one final one, but how many more do you guys have? I'm going to end with a real, really important one. This is very, it's important to me too. So this is, do you have more? I mean, just happy holidays, everybody, but, you know, I don't know. Cheryl. Cheryl. Karen.

Okay. Okay, real quick. I went on a rant about this other day. Happy holidays to anybody, but those bitches you haven't talked to since, like, you know, ninth grade and they slide in your DMs and, like, they're running a pyramid scheme, MLM, multi-level marketing, and they're like, hey, girl, I see that your skin's been breaking out recently. Would you like to try some of my Rodan and Fields, like, face scrub? Take 10 years off her.

Hey, girl, I see that you, like, have, like, 25 pounds to lose. Do you want to try my Plexus weight loss shakes? No, I don't. You're still fat. I don't trust the marketing. Absolutely not. It always starts with Hey girl. Hey girl.

I haven't spoken to you since World War II, but I would love to sell you on my shakes. People are ballsy when it comes these pyramid schemes, and I'm really embarrassed. Like everybody has like one aunt, like Aunt Linda who's selling this stuff online. Those leggings? Remember there was like a whole scandal with the like Lulu, Lulu something? Yeah, like Lula Rose or no. No, no, maybe I don't maybe let's not say it because it might be like a good company like that. I was like, yeah.

And it's just like some, you know, and she's probably got. a bunch of Vietnamese kids in a sweatshop somewhere, just like, keep making these leggings. And they were, like, falling apart. Falling apart, giving people, like, crazy rashes. I don't know. I was in Vegas last summer, and they were having the Plexus convention

at, like, the MGM Grand, and I'm, like, sitting, like, smoking a stick at a crab table. And all of these women. And it's like, and look, I'm a bigger girl. Every single woman who was coming to this convention was morbidly obese, like, very heavyset. And I'm thinking,

how are they selling this product? And they have, like, necklaces around there name tag that says like have you talked to you want to talk about weight loss like consult with me today and I'm thinking whoa whoa whoa and then the guy who owns plexus was there and they were like screaming after him like these women were like throwing themselves at this guy who runs his pyramid scheme and I was like this and it breaks my heart it makes me upset for these women I'm like who sold you this bag of dick lies I don't know I'm sorry I really got upset about that I'm like hot right now it's very funny though hey girl hey girl I want to point out a flaw and then take your money girl you have a lazy eye

a horrible skin and you're like massively overweight. Do you want to try all my products? You know? Do you want to be consultant? No, I don't. We're going to wrap up with a real insult. All right. Happy holidays to everyone,

but the person who reviewed us on iTunes and said, how was Ashley a comedian? The only person who laughs at Ashley's jokes is Ashley. I love that. When she told me that, we were in a restaurant, a really quiet restaurant. And the like insane body.

cackle that omitted from his guttural laugh. It was five sentences. Just a rant. I was laying in bed hysterically laughing, obviously. Here's a deal. People who take the time to do the negative review and let something's like horribly offensive, I realize it's the same people who do Yelp reviews.

And every Yelp review starts like this. We had to wait an extra 10 minutes for our table. The food was cold when we got there. Also, my dad used to dittle me. Like every single Yelp review ends with somebody was molested. or like they have daddy issues. You know what I mean?

Heather, I'm going to say this right now. This is the most Paul has laughed in an episode. That's Paul winning. This is the most I laughed in an episode. Right below that review said, this podcast is really good until Raina interrupts Ashley and starts talking. Like, I'd rather just people, it's, when people get personal.

Not into it. Right. You know? It's so mean. And honestly, they're really like, they're 90% positive, 95% positive, but the ones at art are personal. Some guys slid in my DMs the other day, and I don't know why I just got so triggered by it.

He was like, can you color your fucking roots? And it was like in all caps, and I responded. I was like, excuse me, sorry. I have an appointment next Tuesday at 12 p.m. Also, how dare you? I was like, this is a hate crime against like brunettes who are like trying to be blonde. Like, go fuck yourself.

And then I clicked on the guy's profile. He was terrifying looking. Of course he was. This is a serial killer. Nobody that's happy with their lives. I really like a little bit of black root. On our way here, we were just talking about a girl that we really like that we think is stunningly beautiful.

She's bleached blonde hair and black roots. And I love the look. I don't love the look personally on me. I've just been like, I like, you know, I got to get in and see my girl. I was like, who does that? I would never, like, sends me a message like, A stranger.

It's your fucking weird chin, Daniel. I want to meet internet troll. But I want to know who that is. I am dying to meet an internet troll. Like, who, what is your, life like from morning, noon, and night. Sad. That you did that.

You were not happy with your life. I mean, it is just somebody. Yeah. You just bury those feelings really deep down inside like we were all taught to do and just like, you know, or unfollow. I don't get it. It's very weird. All right.

Well, speaking to that, we want everybody to follow you. Mainly now you're really just hitting home runs on Instagram. So that's where everybody should go follow you. We're living our best life, doing the most and the least at the same time. Yes. Follow me on Instagram. Heather Kay may name. Okay.

Can I make some suggestions? Okay. Go to Heather's Instagram. I suggest these are. the highlights, I suggest. TBT, your TBTs are insane. You're like this power lesbian in middle school. It was amazing. Yes.

Rent the runway reviews. Yeah, and it's RTR on the highlights. Yeah, on the highlights. And obviously, Cheryl, the rent the runway reviews are my favorite thing in the world. I cannot rent anything from the runway. So if you go to Heather's Instagram and you're overwhelmed, that's where to start. Is there anything else you want to plug? Anything else that people can find you?

You know what? Just like find me out on the streets. Honestly and truly. Like, I'm out there hustling. I'm out there hustling. I'm also usually at the St. Regis giving hand jobs in the bathroom because a bitch is got to make some coin. Girls got to eat? Fancy hotel. I'm going to jerk somebody off. It should be at a five-star hotel. Also, it's like... I'm going to St. Regis tomorrow.

You are? Yeah, in Mexico. Oh, girl. Punta-Mita? Mexico City. Oh, it is really... Okay, do you watch me Mexico on Netflix? No, should I watch it on my way down there? I'll download and watch it on the way down. You have to? I can't wait. You absolutely have to.

No, I don't know, but I'm going to Mexico City, too. It's just, it's like a reality. show and everything's with subtitles and it's amazing and they all live in Mexico City and I want to be a part of their lives. You need to watch it tonight. I don't watch it my way down. I only watch comedy specials on Netflix every night so I guess I can mix it up. Pick another genre for a day.

This is the best show you'll ever watch in your life. So follow Heather also if you see Jeff on the street. He likes to be recognized. He acts like he doesn't but he does. He's got a huge head and he's got a hard hat on usually that's got a pin state sticker right on the front. So, you know, hollered him, the Italian stallion. He loves it. And as always guys, follow us. Girls got a podcast on Instagram,

check our website for shows, merch, all the things, anything else? Rayne, you want to plug the Twitter? No, DM Ashley, if you guys want something. Stop it. Okay, it really hurts my feelings when people, somebody there was like, Ray and I know you're notorious for not answering the DMs.

So who do you think answers all the DMs? Like, that's why I hate them so much. I'm the one that answers all of them. I answer some. You do. But you edit the podcast, so like, you sort of pull your weight here. You can tell, if you guys want to know, this is kind of an insider tip and then we'll wrap it up.

If you get the heart, the pink heart that has the, like, the lines radiating off of it, the emoji, you know what I'm talking about? That's got, like, the little things. Above it, not around it. Above it. The one that has the, like, radiating lines, that's my heart. And the one that has the double heart, like double pink heart. That's right.

I'm not kidding. If you, whatever one you get, you'll know who it is. So now you know. I love that. Yeah. Okay. So, my gosh. Thank you for having me.

This is so much fun. I know. Love and light. Live, laugh, love, e pray, love. Gather. Gather. Fart zone. All right, guys.

We'll see you next week. Bye.