Girls Gotta Eat - Love and Other Drugs feat. Comedian Dan Soder

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

Comedian, actor, and amateur dog whisperer Dan Soder joins us for another off-the-rails episode where we discuss everything from drugs to sober sex to "relationship dirty talk." He also pens the new "Thank U, Next" and shares the hilarious story of him losing his virginity. We catch up on Rayna's recent bout of abstinence and Ashley's lack of affection. Hope you enjoy! Follow Dan on Instagram @DanSoder and check his website for more info and tour dates. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast and check our website for tour dates. Thank you to our partners for this episode: For Hers: Get your first month of birth control for $5 at Forhers.com/gge Living Proof: Get a free sample of dry shampoo with your purchase at LivingProof.com/gge Hello Fresh: Get $80 off your first month at hellofresh.com/gge80 + code GGE80 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's what you're doing with the relationship. We're like, yeah, you want to get a beach house in August? It's like, yeah. It's like, oh, my cousin's got a wedding in July. Yeah, it's a destination wedding. And you're like, yeah. I'll have to go out there two days early. Hi, guys.

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Where my Aries at? It's my... It's aries season. You got that all day. No, I just, we were just talking about the date this comes out and my mom's birthday isn't two days. So I just, Aries, they're good.

We got a lot of good stuff going on. I know we tell you all the time, but we have lots of cool shows coming up. There's some tickets left. VIP left in New York, Seattle, Portland, and one of our nights in San Francisco. And Miami. Please come to Miami. Next week. A few tickets left in Miami, yeah.

Well, San Francisco's close. Close. New York's, like, there's like 10 tickets left probably. Yeah, there's some VIP left. So Girls Got to Eat dash slash shows. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com and click on shows. And I think we're going to bring Dewey to Brooklyn. I mean, you're telling people?

I don't know. I said I think. People DM me they offered to watch him. People are going to ask for a third show now. Now that you offer this. Now we're going to do a third show. I'm just saying the way he's looking at him. When I said Brooklyn, he perked up.

Brooklyn, babe. Where am I Brooklyn at? Brooklyn. Add another show. Dewey is so Brooklyn. He's so true. Wherever people live that give the least fucks, that's where Dewey lives.

Brooklyn. The more Bushwick. Dewee is the least affectionate dog I've ever. Like people think he's so sweet and cuddly. He doesn't give a shit about anyone. He's your dog. You were a prickly kid. I don't know if you guys ever hear me say that.

I feel like I say that on a lot of episodes. Because Ashley said it to me once that she was a prickly kid. And it was the funniest thing I ever heard her say. Okay. Yeah. I feel like you say it's a way. We need to tell people where the origin story. Yeah, I was a really prickly kid.

I didn't want to be touched. I was so bad at hugging. No one could hug me. Like, they'd be like, give your uncle a hug and I would just run. Like, it was not very, very prickly. You guys might think I enjoy the live shows, but what I really enjoy is watching Ashley hug people after the live shows. I have gotten so much better at hugging. I have learned how to hug.

I don't like, I think, I find it weird to like touch. crotches with a stranger. Like that's why I kind of bend over. You know you don't hug with your crotch, right? Maybe that's why you didn't want to hug your uncle when you were a little. Okay, but is that how you were trying to hug? I don't like full body to body. Like, that's why I kind of lean in and lean over.

Like, I don't want to like bump our entire bodies together in an embrace. It's a mean, great. It's not a scissoring convention. I want to bump cooches. You know what I'm talking about. Like, when you see me hug, it's like an upper half body hug. I don't want us to touch. crotches. I like watching you like pat people on the back when you hug.

Listen, I do give decent hugs. Like people, I don't look totally ridiculous when I hug people. I'm also tall so I kind of have to bend in and lean over. But like I just, yeah, I don't like, yeah, it's hard to like, duck down and get your crotch in their crotch. No one's going to want to hug me. I love to hug you guys. Like, let me just make it clear. I mean, I like to hug you guys. I am happy to hug everybody. She's a prickly kid. But Rana does make fun of me. We have a picture from the very first meeting great. We did at Caroline. that I'm literally like totally leaned over. I'm like a 90 degree angle.

It's fun. Meeting greets are fun. They're usually a little buzzed at the beginning and totally blacked out by the end of them because I drink the whole time. You have two drinks. Like that's, well, I guess that is blacked out for me. Yeah, we don't drink during the shows, but then immediately after we down like two hard cocktails and then go do the meat and grate.

There are so much fun. Yeah. If you've ever met me to meet me and greet, I probably don't remember it. I'm just kidding. They're all really meaningful to me. If you met me at the meet and greet, I'm sure you remember that long embrace. And actually touched your crotch. People are going to be coming at me crotch first, and I don't know if I'm ready for it.

But anyway, I'm going to fill it. Okay. Oh, today. Today we have a great episode. We have Dan Soder. He's a comedian. He's an actor on the show Billions on Showtime. Most importantly, he's 6'4.

Very cute. Look, okay, guys, listen, full disclosure, we already recorded. We're doing this episode. We're doing the intro a few days later because we wanted to be more timely. We recorded with them like two days ago. This episode is insane. It's the hardest I've laughed. I'm just going to put it out there.

It is? It's the hardest I've laughed in a recording. Yeah, I couldn't breathe like most of the episode. Did you like when I made him simulate sex? No, I didn't. And I didn't. And I'm going to just say it right up top that people probably will hate that part because I'm literally going, oh God, this is terrible.

This is real bad. I hate this. I hate this. I loved it. He like gently grabbed me by my waist. It was really nice. You thrusted your ass into it. his crotch. He didn't gently grab you. You molested him on this couch. Anyway, what's to come

is a little off the rails, a little crazy, but I hope you guys think it's as funny as I do. Like, I couldn't hardly edit it. I was crying. It's really funny. A lot about Dewey. He's Dewey's new dad. Doey's new dad. I'm a little jealous. New episode with Dewe's new dad. When my new daddy. When Dan walked in, right, his new daddy. When Dan walked in, this is our new bit. We're going to start doing like, Dan walked in and was like, what's his dog's name? I was like Dan Soder. Like we're going to just start saying it's the guest name to like really fuck with them. What's this dog's name?

Mateo. Mateo Lane. It's weird that you guys have the same name. It's so wild. I'm a fan. I've been a fan for a while. Well, out the last 11 years. Since birth, actually.

Since puppyhood. Well, I want to give you a shout out. I saw you. Do you stand up this week at the world famous Friars Club? Oh, thanks. It's really like spectacular. It's very, very cool. Well, thank you. The Friars Club, okay, is like an old school comedy club. I mean, it's a private club.

It's like Soho House for like old people and comedians. Like it's in like Mrs. Maisel. Yeah. I had heard about it and then I knew I was going to be doing a show there last year and I was watching Mrs. Maisel and it's like in there. I'm like I can't believe I get to perform there. It's crazy for everybody on the wall is like the biggest celebrity of all time. Like old school comedians but even new people. But I just want to shout out my friend. His name is Mark. Jigaron, I think. But he goes by Jiggy. We've been on his podcast. He is a really cool podcast called Taste Funny, but he runs this show, and he's a member there, but he runs this show that's like,

brings in a really younger audience. You've gotten to dress up. You didn't dress up. I'm too famous to have to dress up. Nobody cares what I wear. You and Merrill wore jeans. Everybody else, I forget who it was, it was Jiggy or one of the other comedians

was like everybody here looks like they're going to a LinkedIn photo shoot. Yes. And that was the most accurate description of the room. I mean, every girl had like shiny hair and a pencil skirt and a nice purse. I was like, I don't look like these people. That, his name is Ian.

I forget his last name. He, that was the funniest thing. He was like, you guys are all dressed up like we're doing a LinkedIn photo shoot. That was his fucking hysterical. The whole, you ever like in a situation? You're like, what can I say about this? I was trying to put my finger on it. I was like, that's it.

He nailed it. Yeah. It was really, um, it was a fun show. It was fun. So, um, I really enjoyed it. I like seeing you do stand up. I feel like I see you do stand up all the time and it's just so funny to me all the time. So if I laugh out loud, all of you will laugh out loud.

Well, that's, thank you. but I'm going to try to be doing more shows. That's really all I did this week, but you've had a pretty busy week. Yeah, this is my first full week in New York, and it's been an embarrassment of riches, and by riches, I mean dick. And by dick, I mean turning down dick, actually.

I am very jealous. Okay, it's very triggering for me to hear you talk about hugging turning down dick all week, and I'm over here like, can I get some dick? Well, I turned down two things last night. One, I will say, So I've liked this guy for a while and he's just not into me

I don't know, he wants to like hang out with me and like chill all the time and talk all the time but he doesn't, just not into me. I hung out with him and I had a lot of fun and then afterwards I was talking to your friend Merrill, our friend Merrill, the third host of this podcast. And she gave me some really good advice.

What? Yeah. I didn't know that. I didn't tell you about this. And the cab ran on the way back. I was talking to her about it and I was like, I don't know like where to go from here because like he doesn't like me like that. And she was like, you should think about how you feel

after the interaction. And like, does it make you feel sad when it's over? And, like, even in the moment, if you feel happy, like, do you feel bad about yourself when it's over? And I started to think about it. And I was like, I do. I feel really, like, rejected and unattractive. And, like, it's like, this person wants to, like,

hang out with me and talk all the time, but, like, has no interest in, like, dating me or being with me, like, what's going on here? And I felt bad all day yesterday. And I thought about that. And she was like, yeah, if it makes you feel bad, like, even though it temporarily made you feel good, you can't do it. Like, stop doing this to yourself. Wait, that, okay, keep going.

Sorry. And so last night he told me he was like going to this party and I just like, I knew we'd like sit there in Florida all night and have fun and have this great night and then I'd go home alone and I'd be sad about it. Yeah. And so I didn't go. And I was really proud of myself and I just like got off the train because it was five blocks from my house. Yeah. Yeah. And I just didn't.

Wow. Okay. That is such, I mean, that's a topic. I feel like we could discuss in the podcast. This is so true. I had a guy friend that I was like, same thing. Honestly, where it was like, we hang out all the time. you want to talk to me every single day.

Why aren't you making a move? Why are we not dating? But every time I would leave hanging out with him, I felt anxious. And like, we would hang out an entire day. And then I would be like, I don't feel good. I feel weird. I don't feel like my total self. And then right after that was when I met a guy that I dated for a long time.

And I was like, this is what it's supposed to feel like when you part ways with somebody. Like you feel secure. You feel happy. You don't feel anxious. Like that is so, so accurate. I love that she said that to you. I've always thought that. Like, how do you feel when you see?

say goodbye to this person. Is it like, oh, you feel happy and warm inside or you feel like anxious? Yeah. I do feel, I know that you're like that when you part ways with this guy. It's not good. It just, I mean, it doesn't make you feel good about yourself that somebody wants all your time and energy and they don't want to date you. Like, and that doesn't mean that every straight heterosexual male needs to want to date

me. But it's like, what's, what's the issue here? Because you like me. You clearly like me a lot. You want to talk to me all the time. You think I'm smart. You're just not attracted to me. So that really, like, makes you feel.

a lot of things about yourself. So anyways, I got off. Merrill, with the advice. Thanks, Merrill. Got off the train last night. And then you think that I would, I could have, I could have called up into the ranks some very easy dick last night to make myself feel better and I turned it down. But you didn't send him over here, which I'm on my DM him.

This is Rayna's ex that I also have a crush on for anyone who's wondering. Well, he called me last day, which Seahill felt more intimate than sex, which I was just. I was so uncomfortable. I had just, like, poured myself a glass of wine and turned on the Theranos documentary on HBO. And, like, my phone rang. And I was like, hi, dear. And he just, like, wanted to tell me about this dinner he had and, like, about his dog.

And, like, what he wore to the dinner. And, like, that was somehow more uncomfortable than him, like, coming on my face. Right. I can't explain it. Than him to any fucking you. Exactly. So I was just like, I got to go. Well, I mean, I'm good for you for answering.

Thank you. especially that you had the documentary on. Okay, guys, really quick. What we're talking about is Elizabeth Holmes. Theranos was the company she started. Rainer read the book in full, bad blood. It was on the road with us for like a month. It's big.

It's a big book. A huge book. So she, I remember we were in Vancouver, we were having sushi and you told me the whole story. I didn't really know about it. I knew her name, kind of, but you really filled me in. So even last time I watched the documentary. It's called The Inventor on HBO.

It's insane. I mean, you guys probably know at this point. If not, highly recommend the book or the book. podcast? What's the podcast called? Dropout. The dropout. I thought in order of what I would, I would do the podcast first, probably. Okay. I thought the documentary was really all over the place and was sort of, yeah, I don't know, it was very like scattered. Well, it didn't, it's also, it wasn't any new information. The doc, but that was the first thing I did. I hadn't done the podcast or the book. So it's just

her fucking voice is insane. Like, if you guys don't know, she basically changed her voice to sound like a man, but it's not just like a low register. I have a lower. register. I'm trying to think of other women that have lower voices. That's not what we're talking about here. It's a man voice. And I post this article in my Instagram story. It's a Jezbo article about how the voice you're hearing is dumb man voice. It's like a bro voice. That is what it is. She doesn't even sound, because that's easy to do. It's like the Jezbo article is so funny. It talks about how her voice is basically like, uh, Chad. Did you replace the muscle milk in the pantry? Like it's like the Chad voice. It's like.

The low broie voice, which is just now if you watch it and you've heard me say this, you'll be like, holy shit. But she is crazy eyes. It's wild how many people trusted this woman. To me, though, it just speaks to like females in business. I mean, if you guys know of the story, she's a 19-year-old girl, she dropped out of Stanford. She launches this company. Allegedly what it was supposed to do is basically from a couple drops of blood.

She was going to create a machine that could run 300 different blood tests. And it was all a farce. It was all they had hundreds of employees and billions of jobs. and billions of dollars invested. Like, the investors were like the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of State. Henry Kissinger, like, anyway, so she,

I just think she probably felt like nobody would take her seriously, because they shouldn't. Nobody should take a 19-year-old seriously. I mean, you can be a 19-year-old prodigy genius, whatever. I mean, it's just, it's, this people kept investing and there was no product that worked. It was crazy. When they were showing, like, what would happen in the labs,

everything would be breaking, nothing worked. And then she's just at the White House. Joe Biden? Like, how did you not pick up? but don't you have a sense, like, intuition. No, like, you're meeting with this person. You're like, crazy eyes. Weird fake voice.

Just talking in circles. No product to show. And you're like, you know what? Here. Like, come on, Joe. Joe? Uncle Joe. Well, it's not, Joe Biden got a tour.

They, like, they created a whole fake. He wasn't, like, investing in her. The secretary of labor invested in the company. It's just wild. Oh, guys. You got to watch this. So, anyways, I poured myself a nice glass of wine. I watched that.

And I got a rattling phone call. Turned out. I burnt out a bunch of dick. Did you masturbate at least? No. I did my truth last night, which was drink Muscaday and watch documentaries. Mooskiday. It's what I like.

Sweet dessert wine. Miscato is sweet dessert wine. This is the opposite. It's very like plasticy and dry. Do you remember our fight about Riesling? It's the most versatile grape in the world. That was my first like real argument. Because I was like, yeah, Riesling's are sweet.

And Rana was like, no, they're not. It was, anyway, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to be triggered again. That was definitely our first fight. The first time Ashley's ever moved. That's the one time you were wrong. That's what I was talking. Yeah, one time I was wrong and that was it.

No, I remember that was early on and I was like, I don't know, are we going to fight like this forever? It almost ended the whole business. I mean, I think a lot about like anybody else I could do this. It's not natural to spend as much time with another person. Yeah, you got to have, I mean, it's really like, I hope I find a man one day that can handle me like you can. I don't think it's going to happen.

And hope you can find a man that can make you laugh like I can. Again, never going to happen. No. Because I have read dates. I find them, but they're sociopaths. That's true. Anyway, should we start this episode? Yeah.

Anything else to talk about? Speaking of funny men. Speaking of funny men. Talk, hot funny men. All right, guys. Today we have somebody in the house studio with us, and Dewey. He has a show on Sirius XM called The Bonfire. he is on billions all four seasons.

He's like giving me a thumbs up as I'm going, don't jump in yet. I'm not ready. He's also a stand-up comedian. He's super funny and also very tall, which we like. Welcome to the studio, Dan Soder. Dunkin on people.

Is tall what are you? Do you hear this? It's my hype music. What is that? Hold on. Is that the speaker? Yeah, but I'm not playing anything. Okay, I don't, this is never. This is why you shouldn't have an Alexa?

I hope you guys I don't care This is AI You guys are down with robots This is a trap We're back You guys set me up You guys know on the John Connor of comedy

I'm here to fight the machines The both speaker just started playing Like creepy Oh that was your speaker up there? Yes But I wasn't playing it from my thing Did you think it was just a natural aura That I brought

Oh Dude sort of walks around with background music I thought you just had like music on In your back pocket when we started I score every interaction No I line up a play playlist of all classic music and then I score it like a movie. Is that what you thought about us,

classic music when you came here? Yeah, I thought about classic. That was like Stranger Things music, that was just came on. But can you continue to the song you were just making up about Dewey? I think I gotta put that on wax first and then we'll release it.

It's an original track. He doesn't want to release it for me. Yeah, but basically I'll let you know I wrote the thank you next for dogs. I'm Ariana Grande and Dewey is my Pete Davidson. You just can't hear it, guys. I'm sorry. So you guys, you guys broke up.

I mean, you know, I called him over here. He didn't come over here. So thank you. So now you're in love with him like I am with men. Yeah. So thank you. Thank you, Dewey. We send another dog in.

I just sing about songs like that. And then there was puddles who taught me to throw a ball. Thank you. Next. Doey, you know I love you. That's why I'm singing. He winked. That was a wink.

Or a seizure. I don't know. Look at you like a girl just digging for clues. that he likes you. If Dewey looks at me again, I should probably go over there, lay down with him. I want a dog so fucking bad.

I just, we need to write this track. Thank you. Like, thought I'd end up with Sam. Yeah. Thought I'd end up with Montana. But he had hit dysplasia.

Thought I would. But he ate a bunch of chocolate. No. I'm down. Let's do it. Thank you, next. This podcast is about nothing, guys. Oh, my God.

We'll talk about dance sex life shortly. What? I didn't know we were talking about that. I told you to give me some topics, and you didn't. My sex life is zilch right now. Zero. All right. By choice?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Are you selling it? No. Oh. Sell a bit. I'm 35, and I just went through a breakup. Yeah.

And still, you know, getting your third. You don't want to just jump right back out there. Well, good. I'm glad you said that. No, we just, we've been hearing some, like, guys recently that are, like, chosen to be celibate. It's just kind of. Yeah.

I want to know what happened. Like, when somebody was on drugs, like, stops doing drugs, like, something terrible happened. Like, what was the rock bottom of being celibate? Do you think it was, like, a fuck injury, or do you think it was, like? I think he, like, probably, like, had sex with, like, a dead body. Oh, necrophilia. Yeah, or a tree.

And he was, like, I've all gotten really. bad. A post come on a dead body's got to be real tough. Why? You don't have to clean it up. Yeah, but I mean, I go through enough with a living person. You do? You're just like, like, can Fetty come all over at this? What are we? What, God, I got to get out of here. If I had fucked a dead body, it'd like,

what, what was that? Why did I do that? Why did I do that? You don't have to talk to them after? I don't give a fuck about them. I'm talking to me. You say, what are we after you sex? I don't fucking dead body. He goes, so, are you just like going to decompose on me? Is this, are you going to like literally ghost? Are you going to ghost me?

I was like, God damn it. I couldn't get it out in time. Are you literally going to ghost me or zombie me? No, I was saying post-come, I'd be mortified with myself. Post-mortem. Post-mortem. Post-mort-com. Post-mort-com.

That works. I think that works. Yeah, I'd be immediately like, fuck. Fuck. Yeah. Right. So maybe that was the rock bottom that the steward was like, I'm not having sex anymore. I don't think he fucked a dead body.

He can fuck plenty of, yeah. I just, it's an interesting take. I feel like. Who is this guy? It's not me. You're smiling. I'm just wondering if you're going to talk about it. I've heard about this.

It's not me. Yeah, it's more me. I've just heard about this a couple guys that I know, super hot dudes that can get laid whenever they want, all of a sudden are celibate. I'm like, I just think they fucking was like running their life. Well, I mean. Like the pussy chase.

Yeah. Because it's distracting, right? It's also like a thing now where, the way our culture is, it's marketed so efficiently now? Sex? Sex. Yeah, like now it's like,

you can download the app to get sex. You know what I mean? Do you think the ready availability of all these things is making people have less sex? I don't know about that. I don't know about that,

but I do think it's like, it's kind of like over exposure. You know when like there's a celebrity and they're just fucking everywhere? And you're like, enough. I don't want to fucking see you. Disappear for six months ago, make something and come back. Right.

That's what fucking is now. It's like, fucking's everywhere. It's like, all right, I go on Instagram. Fucking. I go on Twitter that's fucking. Everywhere's fucking. It's like, not, I'm not saying for me, I'm saying just in general in the culture. It's all like.

Yeah. I mean, I guess it's maybe who you follow. Like, who are you following on Twitter? Not on. Just fuck. I'm just following. I'm all politics on Twitter. I don't know what you're following.

I can't do that because I'll fucking put my hand through a wall. But I'm saying like, I think there's just sex. everywhere to the point that it can get to the especially hot guy. Yeah. Like a guy that wears a shrug hats outside. Oh yeah. And he's like, I don't know.

I just feel like, you know, have two bodies coming together. Yeah, that guy is probably pretty dumb. So he's only fun. Were we the same ayahuasca ceremony last week? Yeah. He's like, it's just all. Everything is nothing and everything is intertwined.

I feel like this guy doesn't wear shoes. No, absolutely. And he definitely plays guitar and writes his own tracks. And his dad works for. Big Pharma. You've been dying to bring up Big Pharma. This whole time.

We're waking up big pharma. I can feel building up in Dan. He like hasn't bring it up. He hasn't brought up in four minutes. He was like, how can I bring up big pharma? You know what's really fucking people? Pharma. Okay, there we are.

We're there. Oh God. No, well. You know, it's really blowing the back out of America right now is opioids and pharmaceutical. No, I will get, I get worked up about it too. When people are like, why is health insurance so much?

I'm like, big far out. Like, you don't understand it. We're so fucked. We're so fucked. We have commercials for drugs. Dude, the craziest one was doing the Super Bowl where it was like, are you constipated because of your opioid use? And you're like, what's up?

Like, I was like, you're eating a chip. I'm like, what the fuck did you do say? I was trying to have some dip and you're telling me that someone's all whacked out to enough that they can't. Are you constipated? Because you're, no, other countries are like, you guys have commercials for drugs, the doctor's to prescribe, ask your doctor. That's a crazy thing.

I dated this British girl, and she was like, she came over here to visit me and she was like sick and I got her NyQuil and she's like what the fuck is this? And I was like it's NyQuil baby! I was like it's the best. Big pharma. Is that big pharma? No.

Yes it is. I don't know. I never get sick. I'm like really competitive about it. You're competitive about it? Yeah she is and like since I met her I haven't been sick either. Only food poisoning.

I get sick every eight years. That has to be some sort of fucking that's like in a biography about great people with like I refused I think part of it's mental Do you really have not gotten sick in eight years? I get sick, I got sick in 2008, and then I got sick in 2016, and then since the nonsense. So I guess 20, 24.

What did you get with in 2016? Is it huge when you get it? It was like crying, like my throat, like, felt like there was daggers in it. 2008 was the full-blown flu. 2016 was like this really weird throat thing. I like couldn't, I got this doctor friend of mine to give me hydrocodone. Because I couldn't, like, get through it. Pharma.

But not since then. Then you're doing oxy cottons. Then you're doing oxy's. Then you're smashing them up and snorting them. Next thing you know, you're on I-81 buying fucking dope from a guy from Baltimore calling it hair on. Get your shit together. Doing, how you doing?

When I was taking that hydrocodone, I was like, oh, right. This is why people get addicted to this. This feels nice. Is it nice? Yeah. I feel like you timed being sick really well because if you die in 2024, I think about dying every day. Oh.

Because, like, my source of income is, like, solely dependent upon her. Well, that's a real fucking sweet, then vicious thing to say. No, I worry about you. Mostly because you pay my rent. I get it. She knows. I pay her rent, too. But I feel like 2024, like, the podcast will be over.

So you could probably die by them. Like, I'll have a new career by 2020. Yeah, but what's going to be the, the 20, 24 version of a podcast? I don't know. I'll suck it for a living. I don't know, like just something else. Stop it. Save your money.

I saw people are paying me to suck dick. I'm not paying them. What is going on? I'm saying. Oh, you need to take my money now so you don't have to suck dick. Like the fire festival guy. Oh, yeah, that's a G. That guy was doing it for a purpose.

He wasn't doing it for a coin. Also, like, I wish, that guy got famous solely for almost giving a blow job. You know how many times I've almost given a blow job? Where's my fame? That's his fame, almost blowing somebody. But if you were like, the way your fame could be is like if a woman was about to fucking murder people and you're like, I'll eat your pussy if you don't kill people. And then she was like,

You know what? No, but thank you. And then you'd be famous for that. That's happened. I almost ate box to save some lives. Almost, though. Like, what if I... I've never...

I just complete. I just do the blow job. So it's my problem that I'd just give the blow job. If I'd stop short of the blow job... You know how that was all tied to, like, bottle water. You know, I'm like really weird about bottle water. Like, I could see me being like, about to blow you. What kind of water do we have here?

It's only Desani, and I'm like, I'm out. You're out. But I'm saying it's not that he's... Actually, it is because he's dead. He was. He was gay. He was trying to say, like, it'd be more like if you went down on a girl,

but it would. It'd be like, if you're blowing a dude. Yeah. And he's like, well, we've got, you know what I wouldn't do it for? I wouldn't go down on someone for the, when bottled water. You know they have the weak bottles.

Yes. Yes, where you turn the screw on the whole thing, just coming up. Yeah, but when you like push the sides, they crumble. Yes. When I did my Comedy Central hour special, they gave me those on stage.

No. We had those on stage the other day, too. We couldn't open them. I was filming a special, and I was like, Oh my God. And water just squirted out. You're like, fuck.

You're trying to look cool? You're like, anyways, that's why dating's weird. No, smart water only. Big cap, thick bottle. I'm a Poland guy. I like Poland Spring. Or Arrowhead. Thank you.

What Arrowhead? It's West Coast Poland Springs. Oh, okay. I don't know about it. I like the Texas water we just had too. I like that Texas water. There's new bottles too. There's new Poland Springs is a little bit.

Do you park? I'm cool with? Also, but do you even notice, like, there's a difference also between spring water and purified water. When it's as purified, it's usually those cheap bottles. You know what I mean? Do you all right? Do we made a sound.

Okay, I want to talk about drugs. Let's get back to drugs. Baby boy, you all right? Also, really quick, can we jump in? Are you a fire festival guy? Like, you like that, do you like it? Are you interested in it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we went in on the bonfire. We were ahead of the curb. We knew about it as it happened. Oh, really? Yeah, because we get obsessed with like when celebrities lose their celebrity and then find this other thing. Like Jarl rule? Are you talking?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Corey Feldman did it with music. We'll find, like, people, we'll find old celebrities that they keep the ego of what they were good at. So we knew Jarl rule was going to be it. Because he got out of jail, and that's how we were, like, interested in Jarl rule. And then when this thing went down, we were on it. I love that. We were doing it.

We were, like, live reacting to it. You guys were ahead of your time. It was crazy. And then the documentaries came out and everyone blew up. This is a show about dating and sex. So let's talk about that. Yeah. Let's talk about drugs.

Drugs. Drugs. I want to talk about drugs. You smoke a lot of weed. I smoke weed, yeah. How often do you smoke weed? Daily? Daily.

Yeah. When do you wake up? No, I usually like to do stuff, whether it be like, send emails and all that kind of shit, go to the gym, do something, and then come home and I get high before I get in the shower. Okay. So I smoke a bowl, or I'll take like a couple big hits and then get in the shower, listen to music. And then when I'm out, I find myself to be over the paranoid stage. so I just get dressed and go. What's the paranoid stage?

You know, you're like, fuck, everyone's bad at me. Fuck. That's why I can't. I mean, I can smoke a little weed here and there, but I've just had some really bad experiences. That feeling is I can't handle it. Yeah. So you get that and you go.

Every day. Why do you do it then? I'm fucking hugged that monster every morning. I don't know. I sound so judgy. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine feeling like that. It's too hard for me. I get stressed out.

The payoff is better? I think I walk around without weed. I think I'd be madgy. medicated if I didn't have weed. Okay. Oh, so it just relax. I think I'd probably have to be on like a Zoloft or something if I wasn't. And I'd knock down with that.

Okay. As we know, by my stance on Big Pharma. But I definitely... All right, we're a new drinking game. Every time I say Big Pharma, you get hammer. Woo! Let's bring up Purdue Farm. I start naming the Big Dogs.

Take a drink. Pfizer. Take a drink. Bayer. Smash that. Smash that can. No, but I think we. How many people are going to be in the hospital at the end of this podcast?

I got fucking alcohol poisoning because this psycho kept talking about Big Pharma. Monday morning. Why am I in the hospital? Wait, it is like that meme. There's like that kid and he's sitting in class and he's like about to like explode his face. Have you seen this meme? I sent him to somebody yesterday. Someone wrote, made a meme that said Raina when she hasn't said she's Jewish in 10 minutes.

That's funny. For you. It's like haven't talked about Big Pharma in 10 minutes. Oh God, we got to address this problem. Yeah, no, but I think smoking weed just kind of balances me. And I quit drinking. six years ago. Oh, you did?

Okay. It just helps me not fucking snap. Oh, well, then, okay, because you don't drink. Okay, so I want to talk about it in relation to dating. Yeah. Has it ever... Yeah, now drinking. Are you cool talking about not drinking?

Yeah, we can fuck. And drugs. Yeah. Cool. Okay, because I just, we talked a lot about doing drugs with Ari Shafir, but we haven't really talked about it in relation to dating? If you get the privilege to do mushrooms with him. To do any hard drugs with R.

Yeah. Consider yourself the luckiest person on Earth. I call him the Sherpa. Because he gets you up the mountain and back down real safe. Yeah, okay. I've done the hardest drugs I've ever done with Ari Shafir. He's my favorite person to do drugs with. I love him.

Yeah, I would bury a body with him for sure. You had a sex dream about him last night. I did. It was really weird. Got a big old donger. I know I heard that. Got a big old peeve. He said when Big Dick Energy came out,

people were like calling and texting him. That's the definition of Ari. He's got a fucking wamp. He also has a girlfriend. Yeah, she's lovely. She's lovely lady. I like her a lot. Okay.

Doesn't change the fact that he got a big old pair on him and balls, too. I can't believe he told him I had a sex dream about him. Why not? I figured you were about to. I don't really know you. Okay. Well, now we know each other better. He's Dewey's dad.

Yeah. I'm Dewey's Pete Davidson. You're the new daddy of this apartment. You get to know about my sex dream. Yeah. You have to tell me. As Dewey's father, you have to tell me. I don't usually have sex dreams.

I don't actually have sex dreams. I don't actually have sex dreams I masturbate before I go to sleep a lot. Right. Right before you, that's pretty good. I did that last night. Yeah, that's what those people do, right? I mean, if I was a guy, I probably wouldn't because, like, you have to get up and clean up stuff. Boy, when your roommate's out of town, the clean up's easy.

Just walk, like. You just come in the toilet. Who can come in a toilet? Someone told me they did that, and I was so shocked by it. Just no way you can come in. How? Penises aim up. That's what I said.

He was like, what's to be doing? Just aim it in. I was like, I don't know. I've seen a lot of dicks in my life. That's not a thing that can happen. I need to open it like it's a bottle of champagne and we're celebrating. I'm like, yeah! And I just fucking let it go.

So wait, when your roommate's in town or not in town, where do you come? Well, you know, usually in the bathroom. Like at a wall? No. Do you guys like to jerk off standing up? I do. And everyone thinks I'm weird for it. You prefer standing up sitting down?

I can sit down. I can lay down. You're like totally opposite than the norm? He just can't go sideways. I don't think I get jerk off sideways. No, I said, do you pee sitting down? Oh, no. No, no.

But I jerk off sitting down. Laying down, it's like green eggs and ham. I can do it on a couch. I can do it on a spout. I can do it. Yeah. But I cannot jerk off. Is anybody still listening to this episode?

I hope so, because I'm explaining. You have a good voice. That I can't jerk off laying down sideways. Fetal position would be borderline. I feel like you can do it. I believe in you. I feel like you. I can get enough hand, but I just feel like.

It feels really depressing. If you could have sex like that, then you can definitely jerk off like that. What do you mean? I have sex like that all the time. What do you mean? Like that? When you're going from the side, I'm saying I don't have to lay straighter. Just imagine we're having sex.

Yeah. No, it's like, I do the motion. Yeah. Yeah, like that. Don't watch. I'm having sex with your aunt. Your aunt. That's the first time I've mimed sex with somebody in this apartment.

Yeah, guys, sorry, you didn't get to see that. It was good, though. I was too traumatized to bring out my phone to get a story. I'm not going to lie. Do you like that? Fantastic. I felt like it. It was hot.

Thank you. All right, well, now I'm not to text streams about you instead of ours to fear. That was so terrible. Get out of here, Ari. Anyway. Back to drugs and alcohol. Yeah. Marijuana, specifically.

But you stopped drinking just for, was there a reason? Yeah, I was an alcoholic. You were? Yeah. Okay, it was a problem. Fucking hammered every night. I was going until I blacked out every night. Oh, you are?

Okay. I wouldn't do crazy shit. I was actually a very fun drunk. Yeah. People were, the hardest part of drinking was letting down so many people. To not party with them. Yeah, they're like, what the fuck, dude? I've been drinking less and less

and I feel like people because I used to be such a party and people are because they seem disappointed. Yeah. I can tell you right now, I can name which specific comedy clubs that when I went back, they're like, what?

I was like, yeah, I don't drink anymore. And they're like, but that's what we do with you. But that was who you were. We went out. Yeah. And you bought us shots and we all got hammered. It's like, yeah, now I just like get weed

and I go back to my hotel and watch a movie and get really high and avoid eating sugar. Do you think it avoid? Sorry, God. Would you perform drunk? A couple times, yeah. That was one of the times I knew I had to quit.

I was at the cellar. I was on stage and I was pretty hammered. It was the first time of my life that I didn't feel like complete control of my words. And the only way I've described it before I liked this, but it's legitimately how I felt was like I swam too far away from the beach. Yeah. Like there was that moment where I was like, oh, fuck, I am drunk up here. So you don't, you didn't usually drink before shows or you did? Every show.

Every show. Beer and a shop. But you weren't hammered, but not drug. Yeah. I come from a family of alcoholics. I grew up in a Colorado, so I grew up drinking at an altitude. So I can get smashed at sea level. You started drinking at it.

But I see what you're saying where you're not an alcoholic to the point that people don't want to hang out with you. It's sort of the opposite. So it's like hard to stop, you know? I've lost friendships. There's people who I used to be very close with. And then you realize like, oh, we were just drinking. We don't have anything in common. Yeah.

We just get fucked up together. So was that, did that affect your dating life? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I had my first real relationship or a second real relationship after. I quit drinking. Okay. That was like, oh, fuck.

Oh, man. And I was in therapy and there was like already, my therapist has got me quit drinking. And then I quit drinking and I was like, oh, fuck. There's a lot of work. Did she drink? Who? My ex?

That relationship. Yeah. Barely. But yeah. So she wasn't like a big, big. She hammered at a wedding at the end of the relationship. That was a problem. So would you have a problem dating somebody that drank really excessively?

I wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it. It's just not for me. I mean, I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. probably. Like, I don't remember. I get,

I get pretty annoyed when people get hammered. Yeah. I have a very low tolerance for it. Yeah. If I'm fucking high. So,

to a way we can't stand it. But I'm kind of like, uh, if I dated a girl and it was like, and I just saw she got hammered a lot. I probably just, yeah, yeah,

also, good luck. Also, who's out here at like 30, I don't know how old the girls you date are, but like you're 35, I don't know, I'm true you date girls like 20, 29 30,

like who's out here like being fucked up like that. A lot of people. There's a lot of people. No, I just like that I want to date. Oh, my God. You know, I don't want to date those people. I'd probably be more, when I find out a girl doesn't really like alcohol,

not done really like alcohol, but has one or two. I'm always like, you adult. What about the drugs? Do most of the girls you date, do they? I don't really, for me, it doesn't matter. As long as they don't mind me getting high. Yeah. Has it ever been an issue?

Yeah. I've dated girls that are like, You're getting, like, I don't know, one girl, it was, it was, she took offense to it, but it was near the end of the relationship. Took offense to you, like, smoking weed every day? She had a lot of nice clothes. Okay. And I smoked a bowl in her room, and she's like, now my whole closet's going to smell like weed. And I was like, well, the people think you're cool.

And she was like, didn't think that was funny. She's like, it's disrespectful. And I was like, all right. Well, here's my take on it. Because I think some people that don't, women, the don't smoke weed. They're like, I don't want a guy that smokes weed, but I'm like, but do you have like a glass of wine every night? Like, I don't know, I don't think there's, I think it's a little hypocritical. I very rarely would have a glass or two of wine.

Yeah. Same kind of effect. You're doing it for the same reason. I'm very rarely getting like, stoned. I'm not like smoking a boy. Right. Yeah. Babe.

I'm fucking dope. Exactly. Like, I like smoke a bowl and I'm like, eh. You think it just levels you. It doesn't like change your personality. No. My roommate, Mike Vecione, is like, dude, I've seen you without weed. you need weed. He's like, you need to smoke weed.

He's like, it's just, you're just an easier going person. It's just easier to deal with. Yeah, I think that's, and like, I have a girlfriend that she's like, I just don't like it. I'm like, don't you have a couple glasses of wine every night? Like, this feels very hypocritical to me. I guess it depends on how much it changes somebody's personality, and I dated somebody for years and years who I lived with who was already a little, I don't want to say dumb. Yeah. So I won't.

Okay. But he wasn't like the sharpest pencil in the box. So, like, it just made him even dumber. And it wasn't pleasant to be around. And I was like, okay, I'm having this interaction with this person. It's not really them. They're so stoned every day. It's just, like, not fun.

Yeah, that sucks. No, it does sucks because I had an ex-girlfriend that I kind of understood where she was coming from, where she was like, sometimes you get high when we go to, like, weddings and stuff. And then it's not fun. Yeah. She's like, maybe can you wait? And I'm like, yeah. And then, of course, it was like, she didn't say it that eloquently.

She was like, can you stop fucking getting stoned before weddings? you suck and you're like, you're like, well, but then I was like, yeah, she has a point. Yeah.

She has a point, maybe wait, you know? Well, and it's because you just like, I mean, it's an escape. But you like somebody's personality normally.

Yeah. So when they change it with whatever substance, it's like, can be an issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean,

I'm fine with it. If a girl doesn't like weed, I'm not, I'm not, like, don't hold it against him. Right. Oh, okay. Could you date like a girl

that was just stoned all the time? No. Wow. So like a real narrow lane we all got to be in for you. No, not at all. I'm sorry, I don't want to date a girl who's hammered all the time or just out of her mind ripped. I don't want to date anybody that does anything all the time. Yeah.

And does anything to excess all the time. I live across the street for a crossfit. If I had to date someone that's just like, got to go get my fucking daily workout in. I'd be like, DIY or whatever they're called, DIYs. Wads. Wads, that's what they're called. I hooked up with a swimmer in college And she flexed her back at one point

And it was rattling Like why were you behind her? Like I was fucking her Like I was inside of her and I was holding her back with my arms And her lats were just like she blatz She flexed her lats and it was like it was like That dinosaur from fucking the spit dinosaur No the spit dinosaur that gets fucking Newman Yeah.

Newman. She flexed her fucking nail. I was like, whoa. I really hope our listeners got picked up on that. Jurassic Park reference with Seinfeld. Yeah, well, he was Newman and Seinfeld. I don't know his name was in Jurassic Park. No, he doesn't have a name.

Jurassic Park. I love Jurassic Park. Listen, it's 25 years old. I don't remember. I don't know if any of our audiences old enough to know that. Go watch Jurassic. Those were the days. Jurassic Park, Forest Park, Summer Blockbusters.

Dude, Jurassic Park. That was my 10th birthday party. My mom took me and my friends to see Jurassic Park. Was it? When did it? 193. 95 was when Clueless came out. Best summer ever.

Okay. Yeah. No, scream. Scream was the best. Oh, my God. Watching every single day. We're seeing all the issues. We're seeing all the difference in you two.

I like murder. A well-planned-out murder. I like murder and cults a lot. There's ever been a better horror movie than scream. It's a perfect horror movie. You can go back and rewatch Scream. Yeah. I'll watch it with you.

It's perfect. It's a perfect movie. Yeah. Anyway, do you smoke cigarettes? No, I quit. Six months after I quit drinking. Okay. Was that tough?

Yeah, that was harder than drinking. Yeah. I miss smoking every day. Yeah. Because it's so readily available. No, I just fucking miss it. Like the act of it? Having a cigarette.

Yeah. All the time. I slept even in comedy, like everybody's just outside. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. It was great. I slept in a jubbing. Joe Camel shirt that my dad gave me from the age of five to ten.

I remember Joe Camel. And that's definitely why I loved camels. I was like, I love him. I started smoking at 12. I slept in a race for the Cure T-shirt from the age of like five to ten that my dad gave me. And now I, but it didn't help me to exercise more. No, but you're aware of breast cancer. Breast cancer.

Yeah. You're aware of. T-shirts. Fundraising. I think I slept in like a no-fear t-shirt. And you're a badass. And you can walk through anything. It's not the size of the dog.

dog in the fight size of the fight in the dog. Prickly kid. Yeah. No fear? Wow. What parent puts their kid in no fear shirt to go to sleep? Athlete's parents. You don't know, she was terrifying. I love it. You wouldn't you sleep? You do not fear. Or Freddie Kruger will get you. My dad raced cars. So I think I picked one up at the track and it was like all I wanted was no fear. All I wanted was no fear shirt. I like wore one like the

first day of school. My dad let me wear it. Tucked into jean shorts and like bloused out. I think that's badass. What if you wear it? Me high boots to like kindergarten and no fear t-shirt. Fuck me boots and a no fear t-shirt. Who is this kid? Kindergarten.

But like the next day I was rocking like my Bush Gardens' Teashers. That's pretty awesome. Bush Gardens is a solid, nothing like a fucking amusement park t-shirt to rock to school. Let you know I was there, man. My dad used to let me wear big Johnson shirts. Yes.

They banned them at our school. Oh, Coed Naked. Do you remember? I remember Coed Naked. I remember Coed Naked, but I guess he was rocking big Johnson shirts in sixth and seventh grade. I'm sorry. That's how we knew. kids were like not, didn't have any parents.

No offense. But like, I swear. I was a feral kid. You saw a kid. You saw a kid rocking a big Johnson shirt to sixth grade. You were like, no parenting. Dude, you're like, that's a stressed out mom that is not there to parent correctly. Dude, I was rocking.

I had Big Johnson poker. Big John. I had like eight Big Johnson shirts. You're the kids. Those are the kids. Big Johnson teachers are the ones that tell you there's no Santa Claus when you're in like Thursday. It's hilarious.

Same fucking kids. Yeah, you go like this. You go, that's the Santa Claus. Also, my shirt's an in the window for a big cock. So I'm going to go try to learn math. Sean Williams, fuck that kid. Fuck that. Sean, my brother in arms.

Those kids that like turn their eyelids inside out. Can't do it. Always wanted to. Those kids were so fucked up. Those fucking kids. I wouldn't do that, but I'd get kicked out in the hall a lot. I got kicked out a lot too. But I was wearing Bulls sweatshers, Chicago Bulls sweatshers and Hornet's hats.

Oh, yeah. Mixed teams? I mixed the teams and everything. I had a Phoenix Sun Star jacket. It's pretty bad ass. That's pretty bad ass. Are they even a team? Yes, they are.

And I know exactly which starter jacket. Orange and purple. Yeah, it's great. I had an Anaheim Mighty Ducks one that was purple and green. Well, that from the movie, though. Yeah, my dad bought it for me. I was like, all right, dude. They're a real team.

Oh, I know. Anaheimony Mighty Ducks. Were you popular in high school? I was. Were you the class clown? Yeah. I was just kind of like I could go and. any group.

Yeah. But I wasn't like cool. I was like, I was fourth tier. So for me to get the girl, the top three guys had to be out. Did you hook up with girls in high school? A couple times, yeah. Okay. When did you lose your virginity?

16 years old in Cancun, Mexico. Do you remember her name? Not at all. She was 19 and I was 16. Wow. Good for her. She was with her parents and she was on spring break. Where'd you guys have sex?

In her hotel room next to her parents' room. Wow. Were her parents there? A lot of pressure. Did you lie about your age? Yeah, I told her I was 18. Yeah. I was 16.

But did she know it was the first time that you had sex? No. Your Hyman didn't break. But she knew after you had sex. My hymen broke all over her. What's that? It was a bloody mess. Did she lose her virginity to you too?

Oh, no, no, no, no. She was doing tricks in the bedroom. This was old hat. Okay. This woman was like, I had. This woman, she was 19. I was way out of my league. I wonder if she knows, like,

I just, I, she dropped some shit on me in that first session when I was like, first off, I need to get over the fact of how much I'm sweating.

Yeah. I was having sex in a tropical climate. Sex in a winter climate. Sweat right through that Big Johnson T-shirt. I was just, yeah, that Big Johnson shirt was stuck to my back. No,

I was sweating so much that that's all I could think about. I was, I was like, damn, dumping sweat. She was thriving. I mean, she was... Is she on top or on the bottom?

Both? So you switch positions your first time? I didn't come the first time. I had sex. Yeah, I don't feel like that's normal. I was like pretty drunk, but I stayed hard and she wanted me to have sex with her in her ass.

She wouldn't have anal sex. I was 16. She was a seasoned 19. Okay, this is amazing. I hope this girl knows that at 19 she was trying to make a 16 year old virgin of anal with her. Like if she's a comic, she has like some solid material. When I was 19, I didn't

even know you could put stuff in that hole. I had no idea. She was lining it up for me and I was like, all right, you know, did you try to get in there? She's like, do you only have one condom? I was like, yeah, she's like, all right, well, I want you to keep fucking me because she knew, you know, go on the shoot. We're probably done for the day.

And then she busted out the choke me. 1999. I don't know. You could do that either when I was 19. This is pre, this is a Bill Clinton era choke. Yeah. Right. I like to say who's president.

Yeah, I was like, to you know, my sexual terms is who's in office. Pre-W Chope during sex Chope. Like I think yesterday or a couple days ago I was like I haven't given a blow job

since Obama That's so funny Like I gotta get back out there I haven't given a beech since Obama's like I don't know if you guys noticed this I feel like Ashley hasn't sucked dick

since I was in office Anybody want to address this I think we got a problem But she's not blowing guys What the hell am I doing? What was my point? Eight years in office Dad

I miss you dad Oh my gosh. Yeah, it was... I feel like life was just better when he was the president. We were sucking Dick Moore. Right. Oh, I don't know, man.

I think fucking is at an all-time high because people are like, it's over. It's finishing. Everyone fuck before lights turn out. True, true. It's true. Only the relief is to come. Yeah, that's it. The sweet relief is covered.

Can we get back? Anything else about this? I grabbed her by the throat and I was like, I don't know if I'm cool with this. And she was like, fuck it and I was like, ah! Your dad's next door. Yeah.

Right? Also, I forgot about the Dead. Yeah. So, and then after that, were you like, now I'm fucking. We were fucking and I was like, I don't know. And then I just was like, very 16 and like, what's happening? Yeah, I'm not going to come.

And then, you know, I was like, and she came. And I was like, all right, well, I'm going to, I'm going to leave. And she was like, all right. And I walked. I just like, put my stuff on real quick. And then I had the condom in my hand. And I was like so dazed that I just walked out of the room. You walked out the hallway of the hotel with your condom.

Yeah. And I was walking through the courtyard. And I was like, ha. And it was like still in my hand. hand so I threw it in a bush. Went to my hotel room. My friends were all asleep. I went to sleep.

I shot off the next morning. I was like, oh, that's my opportunity last night. And everyone was like, fuck you, soda. I was like, I lost my virgin. No, I didn't, I forgot about that. We're walking to breakfast and I'm like, that's my fucking condom. And they're like, no. And I was like, where's this girl?

She left today. Everything sounds like a lie. It totally did. Then she asked me a choke or they're like, dude, shut the fuck. She asked me to fuck her in the ass? Yeah, they're like, yeah, she did. My friend's older sister was like, so do you're lying. I was like, it happened.

Check my dick. Smell my dick. Look how it was 20 a. I wish you would have just when you slipped out the door in the hotel room, been like, I'm 16. I'm like, miss, thank you for the love of the evening. I'm a minor. I wish you would have knocked on her dad's door and shook his hand.

You're a pedophile. Yeah, just go next door. Hi. Are you the mother and father of this pedophile next door? I'm a victim. I'm a victim, and I need to speak to you, too. I want you to know that you have been. Thank you for sharing your truth with us.

Yeah. So being sober in your sex life, because we're used to having, like, drunk sex. Yeah, I'm so much better. Of course. I agree. But was it a hard transition? My God. Yeah.

The nerve endings? You're like, oh, gee, in fact, I feel so much. Yeah. So much. Because in high school, the second time, I only had sex in high school twice. I had sex in Cancun. Then I had sex with this girl that I dated. And I came so fast.

Right. So incredibly fast that I was like, oh, that's what they meant. Or I was like, oh, fuck, it's all over. Oh, it's all over. And then you're like, it was like both ends of the spectrum. Right. But yeah. And then drinking, you get used to fucking drink, you know, like, from the time you go to college or graduate

high school, 18 on, you're basically fucking when you're drinking. Yeah. A lot of, you know, I'd say a majority of people. Oh, for sure. So I got used to that. And then it was like, I stopped drinking. And then, yeah, the girlfriend I had, I was like, oh, this is sensitive. I think when we, like, we have a lot of younger listeners.

So, you know, not to sound kind of sending, but they're still in that space of, like, drunk sex. And it's just like. Oh, man. Ladies, I'm so sorry. You got to get jackhammered. But they'll figure it out. Like, if I have a couple drinks, like, sex is a rough drunk. So hammered.

Sex is fine, but I can't feel anything. I'm like totally desensitized. Also, when you're not drunk, you can give commands better. Yeah. You're like, hey, you should do this. That'd be fun. When you're drunk, you think you are. Yeah, drunk, you're like, this is a basically Rihanna video.

Grab that lamp and hit me. It was like, it just sounds like that. And then you're like. Rihanna heard no one of this. I told Mickey Glazer back in the day, we dated back in like 2012. What? It's so cute. Yeah, my roommate Pete would.

just bring these girls home and he just had drunk sex with him. And Nikki and I were in my living room smoking a bowl. And I said it sounded like someone was hanging a painting. Like they were in like, yeah. And she was like, that's the perfect description of what that sounds like right there. Just bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Yeah, we just like sat outside their door and listened. We're like, you know, because it was just like, it was like a soulless fucking. It's just like, there's no tenderness in this. No. I can't come at all if I've had like more than two drinks. Yeah, no. I can't even master.

Morning sex was way better. Morning sex is... Morning sex is... Morning sex is... Morning sex is like five seconds. It's the best. Yeah. I know.

Except if you... Unless you still want to keep sleeping. I'm like, let's fuck. And you're like... It's like, that's the sex equivalent of getting up and going to the gym. You're like, I just want to lay here. No, I never feel like that.

Even in the middle of the night, if somebody like wakes me up and wants to have sex. I'll just take it. I'll be like, I'm like, uh, I'm sleepy. Sleepy boy. I remember, like, having sex with my ex, like, having sex the morning and Dewee jumps up with a bed.

I'm like, no, you can't get up here. He's like, what are doing, huh? You guys are having fun up here? He's this giant dog. What's up? You guys fucking? What's fucking? I don't know what anything is.

It was so, I wanted to scream every time. Like, get out of here! Oh, man, poor dogs. I don't like when people, okay, I dated this guy who like, he didn't just let his dog watch as fuck. He seemed to like enjoy the dog watching. It was Rudy, and it was like a pretty big golden retriever. So the dog would be like, eye level with us fucking in the bed.

And he like didn't seem to mind it. And I'd be like riding this guy. guy and making eye contact with Rudy the whole time. When I was talking that guy right over on the counter, Dewey knocked over the The coat rack. The coat rack came crashing down.

While you were having like hot apartment sex. And it just spills in. He was pissed. He was like that's Stop it. He thought someone was attacking his mom. He's like, leave my mom alone. And you're like, it's the kind of attack mom needs Mom needs an attack like this. Mom just need you to go in your room and chill

the fuck out and not have an attack like this. He's like that's that. My dad. Do you ever want to have a dad again? Go in the other room. Yeah. He's like, right. All right.

I'm cool. Dad, how do you meet girls? I don't right now. You're not. I'm working on myself. Okay. But in the past. Did you like meet him at shows or just through people?

Shows is always weird. Yeah. I have met girls after shows, but it's very few and far between. And usually I meet them through friends. Okay. Do girls see you on billions and slide into your DMs? Is that a thing that? happens?

It's happened. We always, oh, let's ask this, yeah. Do you get a lot of DM slides? Not a lot. No.

But I get some. Raina was one. No. I met her at the, yeah, met her at the Village Underground. Then you slid to the DMs. Yeah,

I slid to the DMs, yeah. Yeah, but isn't that like business? It's business, yeah. It's not because of a lot. You weren't coming after it. Well.

All right. Feel better about knowing that. No, but we just, I mean, I don't invite people on our show that I don't buy attracted it.

Oh, okay. We do. Sometimes we do. Well, that makes me feel better. Yeah. Yeah. We've had some guess I didn't sleep with. It's fine.

Okay. Just a few. I'm just kidding. I just got any of our guess. Yeah, I don't get like a lot. Yeah. I don't. Well, because that phone you probably can't get it.

They can't come in. There's enough storage. That is possibly true. That is possibly true. It might not get, it might not have enough storage for Instagram. I get a new phone. You can just try. It's how phone plans work.

Just trade it. What do you have Verizon? Put it in your HBO special contract. It's phone for three years. Oh, geez. And it makes your hands feel big, right? I mean, I have big hands. I don't care about that.

I mean, if you put like a real phone in it, though, your hands would just look normal. This is how phones used to be, and now you've got to carry around a fucking... Yeah, what does this feel like to you? Just look at that big screen. Don't you like it? It makes a weird noise when you move it around.

You don't like it. You'll be used to it. Do you hear a noise? Got like clicking. Yeah. You can still tape your paper on a phone like that. Oh, I bought something that you could put over it. It's supposed to be delivered.

Are you a conspiracy guy? No. I just know for a fact that the government can access those cameras whenever they want. Also, just so, yeah, if you guys can't, I don't like, if we're doing something as visual, I like to the left list. I have a, I have a homemade cover for the front camera on my phone because I think it's fucking weird. It doesn't matter if they can see you.

They can hear everything. They can hear you. They can hear you. It's worse to me. I'm fine with that. But they know what you look like. Yeah. I don't care if they watch me.

The camera thing is really fucking weird. Yeah. That someone's just watching listening? Eh, you know, I'd do enough radio and podcasts. Whatever. That's fine. Yeah. I just feel like they're listening at all times.

Yeah. Well, it's just that Edward Snowden thing where he was just kind of like, yeah, they can access it whenever they feel like it. Yeah, totally. Fuck. Yeah, but it's like that's what we accept now in the social media world if you want to like. But I can, but with that being said, I still have the option to block my camera in the front. The camera in the back is still open. All right.

Still open for business. You still use it. My back camera's doing great. Front camera. if I could leave it alone. Also, I jerk off over my phone sometimes. I just don't want someone of the TSA watching.

I had a terrible thing happened to me the other day. I got to tell you, I think I told you about this. What had to me at the container store the other day? I was watching porn on my phone the other day, which I don't watch a lot of porn. I'm normally like a spank, bank person. Yeah. But I was watching porn the other day.

I was watching Red Tube. And I was watching... At the container store? No, at home. In the morning. I was watching the lesbian porn on my phone. And I went to the container store later that day. And the guy was like,

oh, you can get a discount if you sent up for a awards, all you have to do is putting your email address to this website. So just I opened up my browser and there was, it was like milk porn for you. It was like the one of the biggest nipples I've ever seen me and the guy at the container store and my milk porn on my phone. The guy was probably like, what's up? Yeah, I don't know.

That's such like a fucking, oh so you're cool. Yeah, Jim at the container store is really like, he probably put out at Craigslist misconnections. Yeah, Jim was like, this girl gets it. This girl fucks. Yeah, he's like, this chick just brought up porn. What a dirty dog. He's like, I'll show you.

She'll be my container. Yeah. It was so humiliating. I didn't tell you that. I thought I told you that. It's pretty awesome. Because it's so humiliating. All right.

We play a game with everybody. We do like a little segment. This week we're going to do something called mansplaining. We're going to pitch you scenarios and you're going to mansplain them to us. Got it. Like how do we vote? Or like how do you do math good? Yeah.

Like what are taxes? Got it. How does the stock market work? Got it. I don't know none of these things. How do you drive a car? I work on a show? Have you learned anything from the show?

Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. You don't even know what you're saying. If you guys don't watch Billions, it's an awesome show. They have a guy on set who, like, worked. Sorry, I don't watch it. I'm going to now. Sure.

But what is your character? I play like a stockbroker, like a trader. You know nothing. I mean, yeah, I work at Axe Capital. Okay. Depending on which season you watch. Okay. I'm going to watch it now.

It's a great show. Is HBO? Showtime. That's why I don't watch it. No, no, no, nothing. You can get a free 30-day trial. You can binge the whole thing. I'm not knocking Showtime.

I just, I got a pick. Yeah, do Showtime 30-day free trial. Okay. They're giving away right now. Go stream that shit. All right. We asked our listeners to submit questions for men. You're just,

you're going to be the voice of all men. Great. No pressure. All right. Oh, boy. All right, since you can't explain to me how math works or business, we're going to do just dating stuff. Okay.

Okay. First question. Why do men suggest far future activities without any intention of doing them at the very beginning of relationship? For example, in December, on like your third date, they'll bring up, like, getting a beach house together in August. It's always summer vacations.

It just sounds fun. And I think in your head you're like, you want it to go that far, you know, but you're just like kind of talking. It's like, that's like, that's like when you're talking dirty in bed, that's like, that's what you're doing with the relationship. We're like, yeah, you want to get a beach house in August? It's like, yeah. It's like, oh, my cousin's got a wedding in July.

Yeah, that's a destination wedding. And you're like, yeah, I'll have to go out there two days early. It's just like that kind of, it's like love, it's like love dirty talk. Yeah, yeah. Am I going to join your fancy football? Yeah, yeah, you want to binge a show together? Yeah. Don't turn off.

I know, same. Oh, I'm going to cross my legs. Yeah, can't wait for your brother to become my friend. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking relationship dirty. You need to do a bit about that. All right, next question. Dan, are you big on Instagram?

Not really. Am I big on it? Yeah, are you on Instagram on? I don't post a lot. I don't go on it daily. Because we always like to ask, like, we know the answer, but we like to hear a guy say it repeatedly. So everybody gets it through their head.

Like, this guy continues to watch all my Instagram stories, but he won't ask me out on a date. What does this mean? Half. Half. We need to know you're interested because it's like you're also very leery in the generation of like creeps

that you're like, you don't know how many DMs that girl's getting, you know. Yeah. Slammed with. So you just want them to be like, but you don't know if they like you. It's weird.

Instagram's fucked up. It's like those sixth grade dances where everyone's on either side of the gym. We just think it means nothing. We just think guys are scrolling, watching whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just watch it. It's a lot of it's boredom. Yeah.

I watch everybody's Instagram stories all day long. I don't want to date those people. Does anything you do on Instagram hold anyway? Like, if you like a girl where you make sure you're like liking her stuff? I don't know. You don't see, that's the thing. No. They don't even know what they're doing.

Yeah. No offense. What if they're not watching your Instagram stories? That stings. That means something, though, right now. You're like, oh, they don't like me. They like it. You're like, all right.

If they're liking your pictures and watching your stories, like, I might have a shot. And I don't want to get ahead of myself. Okay. That might have a shot. Every guy's different, too, I think. Yeah. Yeah, you're all a whole bag of wonders.

Every one of you, just is a whole buffet of fucked up shit. Yeah, you ladies clean up nice too, huh? We're not going to act like there's not an emotional deception and fucking crazy shit. Never. You guys do. I think girls, men do it in the beginning of a relationship. Women wait until you're comfortable and then start doing it.

I know. At the beginning, you're not fucking mean. We wait too comfortable. Okay. If a man knows that you're interested in them but they keep you as a friend should they expect anything to

come of it or so they just move on? If a man's not fucking you and he just wants to be friends can you ever turn it into something more? I want to say 20% yes. 80% he's trying to be nice and just says he's not attracted to you. Leave it at that.

Don't go chasing waterfalls. Do you think guys have just straight girlfriends that they don't want to fuck at all. Yes. My best friend's Michelle Wolf. I love her to death. No interest in sex with her and she has no interest in having sex with me.

Yeah. She's not my type at all. So it's like, and I'm not her type at all. And that's like a thing where we're like early on. We're like, oh, cool, we can just be friends. That's great. There's never going to be a reason. She's more like a sister to me than anything.

Yeah. And I have a couple good friends. There's one good friend I have that there was a time where I was like, are we about to fuck? And then you're like, no. We both were like. We both acknowledged it. We're like, nah, this will...

Yeah. The weirdness from that would jack this up. Also, what happened with Nikki? You guys think we're going to be back together? Yeah, yeah, we're back. We broke up to save the friendship. Really? Yeah.

Okay. And it worked. We love her. But if you're just friends, if you're just friends with a guy and you're interested in him and he's not fucking you, he probably doesn't want to, huh? Yeah. Okay.

Unless he got a girlfriend, but, you know. Do you think there's any way a girl can, like, test the water, to see if there's more, like, any moves? Would you fuck me? You would just ask outright. Men are direct creatures. Okay, so we just ask. Would you fuck me if he wants to,

his dick will balloon up instantaneously? Okay. You're like, would you fuck me? Like, why? Why are you asked? Fuck. And if he doesn't want to, I'll be like, no. You know, but he'll not want to hurt your feelings.

I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea. Yes. And that's really like, this happened. And we've talked about this. Like, I had a guy friend that I was like, I feel like there's something going on here. And I brought it up.

And it was like, it was very much like, I don't think it's a good idea. I'm like, that's my answer. Yeah. Yeah. I take your answer. Not a lot of women listen. Right.

Yeah. You're like, we answer and you're like, but we're going to change that. Well, it's a jumping off point for negotiations. But it's not. It's like, it's dead of water. It's a line from clueless. I don't expect you.

Well, I dropped some Jurassic Park knowledge and everyone looked at me like I had shit on my face. We did. We laughed. We laughed at the Newman bit. I gotta get out of here. What are we doing? But that's a good call. If a guy, if he makes any sort of excuse other than like, yeah, I want to fuck you,

it's just he doesn't want to. So don't read into it anymore, I don't think. Okay. Let's say you are really good friends with a girl and then you start to kind of develop feelings. But you're like, I just don't know. I don't want to ruin the friendship. And if we cross the line, then it's like all or nothing. Do you think that's a thing or not a thing?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. because you're like if we go, if we go. There's no going back. Yeah. Now it's just going to change the complete dynamic in the relationship. And I think that happens. I don't think it's like, well, I don't know, I'm not a guy. I don't think it has to be, I think, I don't know,

I could see a situation like that. Where guys like, I don't want to fuck with her. Yeah. Because if we start this, we're like best friends, then what do we do? Yeah. All right. We got to go. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. I hope that you had fun.

This was really fun. Can you plug your things where people can find you? Dan Soder on Twitter, Instagram. I don't go on Twitter anymore. Okay. At Instagram, DanSoter.com for live dates. The Bonfire Monday through Thursday, 6 to 8 p.m. Billion, Season 4.

Okay, well, let's talk about where you'll be traveling to. I will be in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys. I will be Moon Tower Comedy Festival. I will be all over. Austin, Texas. Austin, okay. Danceoder.com. Okay, cool.

Danceoder.com. All right, guys, check him out. He's a super hilarious comedian, and Billions is an awesome show, so please check it out. Thank you. Check our website for our live show dates. Girls Got Eapodcast.com. Follow us Instagram. Put us in your Instagram stories.

We haven't called that out in a while. And leave nice reviews for us on iTunes. Yeah, be nice. Don't talk about me mispronouncing platonic, because I grew up in Pittsburgh, and that's how I pronounce it. And Ashley says, Quassons. Oh, man. Someone got pissed. They said, I don't like the way Ashley says.

I don't like that. I don't like that. Now I'm joking. Now my mom's, that's how my mom says, Pino, no, wow. All right, thank you, Dan Sodor. Bye guys. Have a good week. Check, check, check.

Doey is the greatest dog. He just lies there and gets petted. I like Dewey. Raina, can you check your bike? Check, check, check. I like Dewey.