Girls Gotta Eat - Love Life Makeover feat. Matthew Hussey

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

This one is a game changer. We have the incomparable Matthew Hussey (author, speaker, dating guru, etc.) in the house studio covering SO MUCH ground -- today's dating landscape, a three-step process for meeting people in the wild, healing after heartbreak, building inner confidence, getting outside your comfort zone, and more. We also share the inspirational ways our listeners got uncomfortable and changed their own lives for the better. We hope you love and learn from this episode as much as we did! Follow Matthew on Instagram @TheMatthewHussey and check his website for more info. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Check our website for tour dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Native: Get 20% off your first purchase by going to nativedeodorant.com/gge. Billie: Go now to save 10% off your razor at mybillie.com/gge. Third Love: Go to thirdlove.com/gge to get 15% off your first purchase. The Real Real: Sign up for 25% off your first purchase w/in one week then 20% off select items at therealreal.com promo code REAL. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're out. First, I see someone I like, eye contact. The most obvious thing in the world, but executed poorly by 99.9% of people. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Coming to you from L.A. Sunny, beautiful L.A. We love it here. I love it here now.

Good. Thank God. You convinced me. All right. So, if you really are keeping up with our lives, if you're listening to this on the 24th. We are in Australia. But we're recording this, like right before we get on the plane. I mean, we get one, whatever, later tonight. Almost. Almost. Yeah, we're recording this our last day in L.A. But we spent last week in California, sunny, beautiful California, San Diego shows, two of them in one night. L.A. show, unbelievable. Yeah. It was our biggest show. It was at the Wiltern Theater. It was insane. It was

incredible. We opened with the L.A. Rams cheerleaders. Pretty casual. We have our own cheerleading squad now. And the shows were just wild. I don't know what else to say. The best time. I mean, it was truly like, you know, I'm not trying to pit cities against each other, but it was the loudest and longest welcome when we walked out on the stage since Boston. I'm just saying. So now it's, we got Boston.

We got L.A. We got East Coast versus West Coast. I don't know. Philly might rival them. I don't know, guys. I'm very overwhelmed. I cried on stage. I cried doing my Instagram stories yesterday.

I cried watching all of your Instagram stories. I did my first talking to. to the camera crying on Instagram story because I'm so moved by that show. I'm crying right now. I have to stop. It's really embarrassing. I just, I love our community of people. We didn't even mention this at the show, but it was our two-year anniversary at the show.

Oh, yeah. So to spend that with 2,000 of you was really, really they meant a lot to us, so thank you. And San Diego was incredible as well. Neither of us had ever spent a lot of time just in the city in general. So we really like got into it.

We got tacos at Oscars. It was unbelievable delicious. What else do we do? We did it. Yeah, we really did. We like, what else do we do there? Oh, I heard this couple fighting in the hotel room next to me. I talked about this at our California shows, but I was awakened one morning to this couple having a big fight and I was like, I mean, I love to hear people fight. I love other people's drama. I live for it. But at 9 o'clock in the morning, I was like, okay, I'm like trying to sleep here until I heard her yell, when was the last time you ate my pussy?

And I was like, all right, I'm up. I am invested and I'm up. And I was just sat there. I was supposed to be married in the lobby. And I was like, I can't come down until this is over. I got to see who side I'm on. I got to see this fight out. Well, at first, Sherlock Ashley was like,

I'm calling the front desk. I'm calling the front desk. I'm taking care of it right now. And then you just stay. Well, he sounded aggressive. And so I was like, you know, there's like a point in a fight. You hear a man's voice hit a certain level and you're like, oh, he's going to hit this woman. You know, like I was like, this is getting like pretty bad and then it was fine.

Like they diffused the situation. He ate her pussy. He was definitely going down on her when it got silent. I was like he went down there. No, but that was the highlight of my San Diego trip and the tacos. I mean, we always say we'll walk 10 blocks out of our way to watch a fight. A hundred percent. A couple fight.

I love it. I'll walk behind somebody if they're just fighting with somebody on their phone. I don't care. I'll hear one side of it. I, you know, I stayed at the airport at the pickup section at LaGuardia one day for an extra 25 minutes. This girl was kicking the columns. She was screaming and crying.

She was yelling so loud. I couldn't. She's my favorite prayer. I miss her every day. Yeah, you have to stick around when you get opportunities like that. Speaking of the airport, we did miss our flight. First time ever. First time ever, I've ever missed in my life.

In your whole life. My whole life. And you and I are like reckless. with airports. You and I have, I mean, we've TSC pre-check and we're like status on Delta. We are reckless with what time we get to the airport in general. Oh, yeah. And that's why we're friends. But you've got to find somebody that wants to get to the airport at the same time as you do. But we just, we, it was a Friday afternoon to three-day weekend going to JFK. It took in 90 minutes. We did not prepare and we're sitting in the car just like, we're missing our flight.

We actually, we got there in time to make the flight, but we, you know, we checked back. So obviously, we were traveling for three weeks. So we were supposed to leave at five on Friday and we left. We were on the eight. We were in the car. Like, I start to panic, but we like checked and saw there was a later flight. So they put us on it. So we had our Valentine's Day in JFK. I got a pedicure. Yep. We had wine. It was romantic. It was great. I bought some magazines and some books. Ashley didn't buy them for me. I bought my own Valentine's Day gifts. I bought a pedicure for myself. Best pedicure my life. Two feet. Almost two food. When I. I hope you guys think this is as funny as I do. When Ashley, like,

bum rushes me at the airport and it's like they're smooth. They're almost too smooth. My feet were legitimate. I don't know what she did. She used some sort of exfoliator on there. She didn't even use a calis remover. My feet were so smooth. They were sliding around to my socks.

I was like, they're almost too smooth. They were literally like slipping and sliding inside my socks. I don't know why this is so funny. So I can't recommend the express spa at JFK Terminal B enough. Guys, measure flight. Go get a paddocker. I ate soup because, of course, I did. Of course, obviously.

And bought books. So yeah, California, unbelievable. Loved it, loved both cities, love spending time here. Yeah, L.A. is just, it's L.A. It's like the only other place I would ever live at this point. We get a lot done here. We've recorded with so many people. Today we have Matthew Hussie.

We didn't even say incredible episode. We're going to try to keep this intro short because we talked to him forever. He's incredible. He actually came to our L.A. show. We got to spend some time with him in L.A. And just a teaser. We have some fun episodes coming out that we record in L.A. Stasi Schroeder, for one.

That should be soon. We got to figure out our schedule. But yeah, we just, we love being here and so many great podcasters and people to record it and stuff. So he will be on soon. I actually have to wrap this up so I can go meet him for a coffee. Yeah, I'm going to yoga. Rain is going to coffee with Matthew Hussey. Our guest for today.

That's our vibe. We stayed at the W Hotel in Hollywood, which we love. Okay. So I want to talk about this hotel because I am so obsessed with artwork and photography. And really like the design of this hotel is unrivaled. It's so stunning. There's unbelievable artwork and paintings all over at. The photography upstairs, if you go upstairs, it's amazing.

But there's also a gallery. They're featuring Helmut Newton right now. Yeah. Who's a phenomenal fashion photographer. I just love every little touch has been thought of here. So if you guys are really into like art and design, I mean, the rooms are beautiful too, but everything is great here. Good location.

Yeah, the rooftop is beautiful. Like you can go look at my Instagram. I post a photo in the rooftop. You two can have that photo. And they have a recording studio in here. So that's always been the W's thing is like their music and like sound stuff. Like I've always gone to like W music events. So like the recording studio that we were in, I think Selena Gomez is recorded in there, Lady Gaga.

It was awesome. So we got to be in there with some of these guests that we've been wanting to talk to for a while. So it was great. Can't recommend it enough. Yeah. Check it out. Guys. I stayed in the lobby last night to work.

The vibe was so cool. A lot of like industry people that looked so cool and vibey. I was like, somebody adopt me. Raina's like, so Hollywood. I was by myself on my computer. Everybody's like, ew, work. She's gross. Yeah, it's been great.

My best friend Kate moved here to L.A. I convinced her too. No, I'm sure she had some outside influences like her husband and her own life choices, but I really wanted her to move here so that she's like, they're like splitting time here between Atlanta. So I love it. I just like want to spend more time here. I feel so happy.

I do too. I thought the, I thought, I always think that New York is. like the center of the universe and I'm in New York. And then I go somewhere else. I'm like, oh, this is what it like feels like to feel happy. To feel joy. For any of you're feeling joy. It's just been the weather in New York.

Weather, man. Oh, we didn't even give a weather update. Yes, you did. You said it's sunny and beautiful. Did I? Yeah, you did. Oh, thank God. Right.

You're too happy to even care. 69 degrees. That's the thing about L.A. in the winter. You guys, straight 69 degrees all the time. Shorts in a sweatshirt, which is my favorite outfit to ever wear. Yes, shorts and a sweatshirt shirt. like now I've been really rocking these biker shorts, throw them all with a crop top and a jean jacket,

living my truth. Can't recommend L.A. and the sun enough. Get a real mood stabilizer for me, shorts and sweatshirts. Yeah. I had nothing else to say. I'm a little tired. Yeah. We've been doing a lot.

All right. We're going to wrap this up. Yeah. The shortest intro of all time. It's because, but which some of you'll be happy about, some of you guys are probably, on iTunes. Like, we hate when they talk about their lives. Shut up and get to the topic.

It's our show. You're welcome. Those three people. Those three assholes. They literally don't care. They literally don't care about our shows or our lives. That girl, Merry Christmas. It's your Christmas present. We're not going to talk about ourselves. We got a bad review on Valentine's Day too. Or we got a nasty email. Like, if people, remember that email, that girl was like, she was so offended by something we said. I'm like, the holidays, man. People come out. What did you say you did? You micro?

something. A microaggressive comment. Yeah. She just learned that word in one of her college classes. And she was like, I'm going to out woke you pitch. Anyway, that's it for us, I guess. Yeah. We have a great episode for you guys today.

It's long. It's full of really, really great advice from a great person. He is a love life coach. He is a speaker with sellout seminars all over the world. He is over 300 million views on his YouTube channel. He is the New York Times bestselling author of Get the Guy, learn secrets of the male mind to find the man you want and the love you deserve. We are so excited.

Please welcome to the house studio with us and duty. Matthew Hussie. Thank you for having me. That was a good intro. Yeah, I love it. It's my favorite thing. Is it really? Oh my God.

And I laugh because like guys just you know it's Hussie. It's Hussie. It's Hussie. I'll take it. I don't know if my mom would feel the same way about she's also. She's not a dirty hussy. Not that I know of. No.

I think she's lovely. She's my mom. But most people probably say Hussie, I'm assuming. No, most people say Hussie. They do? Yeah. Okay. He's pretty well known.

Well, we're excited to have you here. Like, just, no, you know what I meant. Full transparency, people have been asking us to have you on the show for a long time. You're obviously very popular on YouTube and Instagram. And just your work is so phenomenal. And Ashley was up all night long, um, watching your videos in bed. But not, not masturbating to it. Just be clear.

I masturbate to TikTok. Let's be clear. Only teenagers. But I'll masturbate to be there. When I went on the Rachel Ray show. she didn't open with that. She didn't masturbate to you. She probably did, though.

She didn't talk about whether she did or she didn't. Raina's had too much coffee. I'm so sorry, you guys. And today we're filming, and so Rain and I are forced to sit close to each other. You know, I hate to be touched. So everybody's uncomfortable. Do you hate to be touched?

I, no, it's not by somebody she's sleeping with. I am affectionate in a relationship, but I don't like to, like, cuddle up with my girlfriends and, like, play with their hair and, like, be stroked. And Raina lives for that shit. I live for it. I live for affectionate.

I love it. Great. I'll sit on your lap this whole recording. It's going to be great. But I am like, it's funny because in a relationship I really do like, I like it. Like, I think people don't, wouldn't expect that. But I'm just not a big like, let's spoon on the couch with my friends. You're very selective about.

Yeah, I'm like, prickly. Yeah. That's fair. Like people like to come to the meet and greets to watch me awkwardly hug people. That's the only reason why I go to the meet and grades is to watch our hug people. We're really excited to have you. And we talked a little about what you do. could expand a little on it, tell people what it is that you do.

Yeah, I will try and give the very summarized version, but I, around 12 years ago, started a organization that was all about empowering women in their love lives. And it started with maybe five women in a room on the first event I ever did. And then grew to the millions that we work with today, which is kind of crazy. I run two live retreats a year in Florida. I have online programs, a book, you name it. But I guess I've just become known for talking about ideas that a lot of them in the love life space, but just generally ideas that can help people.

But for women exclusively? Almost, although we have, the retreats are all women, but more and more these days, we have guys following who don't always, they're not always very active in the comments, but they're there. Because I know, because I walk down the street and I have guys coming and saying, and I watch all your videos. I don't comment, but I love them. I think it's universal.

That's us, too. You know, we built this for women, but we have men, I mean, gay men, but straight men and that still are listening and gaining something from it too. I mean, it's like peeking into the other side, too, yeah. Do you have, we always like joke

that we ask you like, what gives you the right? Do you have like a psychological background? Did you study this? Or was this somebody you were blogging about? Like, how did you come to start these retreats? The five women in the room. Like, what was the intention there? No.

I'm going to stop me. I'm going to stop making you uncomfortable. No, I am. I am curious. It would take a lot, I think. I mean, you might be able to make me uncomfortable. It would take a lot. Don't challenge me for this.

I can't handle it to act. Do not put her, don't get her going. But I am curious, the motivation. I, well, listen, the motivation was not in the beginning. I must talk about dating. That didn't. That wasn't like, I don't think, I certainly didn't grow up going, when I'm older, I just, I want to give people flirting tips.

I don't want to talk about dating. I didn't care about that. I did care as a teenage boy about my own dating because I knew I was shy and introverted and terrified of rejection. I would never talk to the girls that I liked. The only girls that I would ever date were the girls that asked me out. And I remember having the thought even early on,

like if I don't fix this, I'm never going to be in a place of choosing. I'm always going to be chosen. And that doesn't mean that I'm going to have the relationship I really want. So I knew I had to be more proactive. And in that sense, I was my first client and my first experiment. But I was also just, I'm interested in ideas. I love talking about ideas.

And it's hard to put that on your business card, like guy who likes talking about things. but I I, that's always the way I've been and I just got known for dating but truthfully, you know, as anyone who actually follows my work will tell you like,

as soon as you get into it, you realize it's much deeper than that. There's a lot more going on. We hope that's what we're accomplishing too. You know, like we've started out as dating relationship sex, but there's a lot more to life because people are, you know, multi-dimensional.

And I think when people find, like there's so many voices in the world that are not that helpful. That I think when you find a voice that you're like, oh, this person, I just align with them in general in life. There's just a lot of the way they look at life that I relate to. Then once you find someone like that, you kind of listen to whatever, you know,

whatever they're talking about you're in. And I think the hard part for anyone like us is like, well, there's the hook. There's the thing that someone comes to you trying to solve a problem or thinking, I want to talk about dating, I want to talk about sex, I want to talk. But once they realize, oh, I really like you guys, then it's a different relationship. I want to say dating the way you do. Like you, you don't say that. Like you don't say the tea, really.

Sometimes I do. Oh. It depends. No, do you know, I realize this because someone made fun of me the other day. Like last night, I ordered a margarita. And I realized sometimes my parents are kind of copneys from the east end of London. So they have that what Dick Van Dyke was trying to do in Mary Popper. They have that. But I went to a good school where people didn't talk like that. So I kind of, I've flipped between both sides. Yeah. Sometimes I'm cockney and other times I sound quite BBC. Maybe me and you should challenge ourselves the rest of the episode.

Don't only say dieting. Dighting. Margarita is tough. No, that's too many syllables. I can't do it. Say it again? Margarita. Margaria.

I see, I don't, I say Margarita normally. I guess I love Margarita. It sounds, it's a fun noise to make with your mouth. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about the current landscape of dating. No, we talk about this with various guests, but we'd love to hear your take just to open it up on, is it all bad?

Is monogamy dead? Why is everyone having so much trouble out there? I mean, I know those are very broad questions, but I'm sure you can give your take on it. I think that, like, you know, people, just to piggyback when she's saying, like, I think a lot of the vibe is like, you know, I go out on three dates and they're great and it fizzles and why does so much stuff fizzle?

And is it because it's all bad, monogamy's dead, et cetera. And that's the very loaded question. Like, does everyone just want the next best thing? You know, everybody gets ghosted all the time and is doing the ghosting, you know. Well, firstly, I operate from the point of saying, I don't think people have changed. But, you know, we, we, evolution doesn't happen that fast. Like, our needs don't change that quickly. Technology has changed, but people are still people.

And we have to remember that. Like it's everyone so overstates how much everyone and everything is different. But it's just the medium changed. So yes, it's easier to reject people because we don't necessarily have to do it in person. But even then, like people talk about ghosting. Like, oh, why is ghosting such a thing these days? When was ghosting not a thing? When was, like, we literally can watch movies from the 50s where the woman sees the guy and she's like,

sees him in the street. And she's like, why didn't you call it? all. That's ghosting. I guess we just couldn't watch them on social media also living out their best life. On top of the fact they were getting ghosted, so it hurts more. You could pretend to yourself they died. I hope they died. And they're literally ghosty. And that's where it started. You hope that they died. You called them a ghost. Right. They were a literal ghost. No, these days, it's the same thing. It's just, I think dating has, yes, it's become harder in the sense that we have the, the paradox of choice and so on. But at the end of the day, we have to start asking more for what we really want.

And that's what I see a lack of. I think culturally, we're sort of playing it too cool. Like, we've bought into this idea that no one wants commitment these days, that no one's going to take it seriously. And when you buy into that idea, it starts to affect your energy too. Absolutely. So now you tiptoe into a third date or a fourth date going, oh, I don't want him to know I care too much. I don't want him to know that I am thinking of him as someone that I might actually like to see where it goes with. I'm going to keep playing it casual, keep playing it cool. But then, of course, you put yourself in that category. You're now in the category of someone who he doesn't need to have a real conversation with about this.

And men play on that shit all the time. They play on the fear of having the conversation. So now they don't have it because it's like it's so easy as a guy. If you don't have the conversation, I don't have to have the conversation. So, well, let's just keep seeing where this goes, I guess. And then one day, after seeing someone casually for a long time, you find out he's seeing other people or he's there. And then all of a sudden, it's all the hurt and the anguish that comes with that.

And what the hell? I thought we were doing this and do it. Like, I really liked you and I can't believe you were doing that. And, you know, his response is going to be, but we never talked about it. Like, what, I don't know where this is coming from. And he's half right. He's half right. He's half wrong in the sense that it's, we all have to, I think,

I think we have a responsibility, both genders, to be careful with people's hearts. I really believe that because we act kind of ignorant to the effect that we can have on people when we hurt them, when we mislead them, when we make, when our actions make them feel like it's going somewhere. But what is really happening is something else. we have a responsibility, but at the same time, I would say this to women, and this is coming from a place of caring about the women, you have a responsibility to yourself

to go into a situation and not be afraid of asking questions to which you're afraid of the answers. Would you say that, I mean, personally, I think that I suffer from this, we're like, I don't want to ask the questions because I don't want to seem needy or like I don't have anything else going on or I'm jealous, etc.

But, like, I have to be ready for the outcome, I guess. Like, do you think men think that you're needy and jealous and insecure? If you ask these questions? Do you think there's, like, a too soon to ask these questions? There's always, everything operates on a spectrum. So there is a too soon for certain questions, right? It's like, there's no too soon for saying, I would love to find a great relationship.

That's something you say, you could say that on a first date, which makes it clear, you're someone who's very much open to a great relationship because it has no, I'm not making it personal, I'm not making it about you. I'm not saying like, you know, I'm considering something with you. You're saying, I would love to find a great relationship, but you're out of that mix. You're not even close to someone I could think of in that way. That's okay. So I think people conflate the two too often. They think of their goals and they think of their intentions towards him and they immediately intermingle them in a way that makes it really hard to talk about it.

I think that people should be much braver in, you know, firstly, you come off a date. If you like someone, tell them. If you had a good time, like, I had a really good time. That was a really fun date. I don't think people do that enough. I have literally been on dates myself where I left, found out later that the person wanted to see me again. But there was no hint of that in what I got afterwards in the vibe.

There was no like, you know, I could say, had a really great time tonight. And they'd be like, yeah, it was fun. And I'd be like, is that it? Like you, do you? Like, I'm like, there's no vulnerability to that exchange. That's what it's the fear of, yeah, of course. It's like a fear of being vulnerable. That's where it all comes from.

But it makes it so much harder for us to read each other's signals. So I actually think we should be more open. about the fact that we had a good time, or that we thought someone looked really beautiful tonight, or that we thought they looked handsome or whatever. Our actions, people say, but then he's going to think that I am like easy, or when I see him next, I'm just going to go home with him.

You know how he knows you're not going to go home with him? Don't go home with him. Right. Like, that's how he knows that. So our actions can follow up on that. And then at a certain point, I think we have to be willing to say to each other, the honest version of what's going on,

because there's the crazy version, and then there's the honest version. The crazy version is, so like, what are we after three dates? You know, like, that's, that makes people feel like, oh, that's a lot of pressure and you're asking me that right now and so on. But I think it's fair to say to someone after a few dates, I am really enjoying the time we're spending together. Like, I don't know how you feel, but I like you.

And I'm just letting you know this. because I'm not, I don't feel like seeing anyone else right now. And I'm not saying we have to say what this is, but while we see where it goes, I'm not seeing anyone else right now. And I didn't know if you felt the same way and I don't want to put, you know, I wouldn't want to be close. When other people ask me out right now, I'm not really sure what to say. Right. When you say that, there's a level of candor to that that's bold, it's confident. And it's not saying the decision is in your court, is saying, just let me know where your head's at so that I don't run away with myself.

Well, the thing, and we're going to back into this on this episode, but like the thing about those conversations are that you have to actually be confident. You have to have to actually be not needy and not insecure in your own life. And the whole point of that when we always try to drive home is like live a great life that you're not desperate for a man, that you're not going to a man. Like, what are we like desperate to nail him down, get married, have kids, ever, like, have a good life, be confident in yourself, and then those conversations won't freak them out because of, like, what's happening internally. So, and that's why we're going to get into all of it, but it starts from, like, within, basically. Yes, and the problems that people encounter

within mean that they fail the one test that need, they always need to pass in order to uphold their standards, in order to pick the right mate. And the test is, can you walk away? Are you actually prepared to walk away. You've always got to be prepared to it's no different from any business deal. It's no different from anything in life. You have zero power at the point where you're not prepared to walk away from a deal. Right. Zero. Well, yeah, that's the person that, I mean, it doesn't sound great, but the person that cares less has the power. So, I mean, it's like, if you're ready to walk away, you have all the power. You can care. See, I think what's really powerful is caring a ton, but that is never going to

supersede what I believe is right for me or best for me. Like I can go into a business deal and I really care. Yeah, that was a bad way to put it. No, no, no, you're right though. The sentiment is correct. But I can go into a business deal and say to someone, I really want this to work. I care deeply that this works. I think what you're bringing to the table is amazing. Same with my staff. I think what you're bringing is amazing. I want you in my company. I want you to stay. But ultimately, I am prepared to lose you. I am prepared to walk away despite how much I care. And all of your power comes from that place.

I love what you're saying about, like, be confident in asking for something and saying what you want, but also be confident walking away. And you say, like, it's the same thing at a job. I'd a boss say this to me once. Like, accept the rules and work here. And we're thrilled to have you or decide that you don't want to accept these rules. And you don't have to work here.

We'll fill a position with somebody else. And I think that everybody's always looking for this magical answer about, like, how to make men want me, how to manipulate a man into committing to me and manipulates the wrong word. But, you know, that's why self-help is so huge. That's why there's so many podcasts about self-love. That's why you walk to the airport.

The entire bookstore is just, you know, how to convince people to be with you, love you, give you more, et cetera. And I think that there just is no magic answer, you know? You could only control you and what you put into the world. You can't ever really control another person. You can't. Where the gray area is is you can't control, but you can influence. Okay.

And there is a hell of a lot you can do to influence. people. When you guys go and do a show, you can't control 100% whether someone's going to laugh, but you get pretty good at the mechanics of influencing it. That's what you do. That's what makes you professionals in that space, right? That's why you can go up and make people laugh and other people can't. You know the rules. You know the framework for doing that. And everything operates like that. there is a confidence aspect to everything in life. And there's also a competence aspect to everything in life. And I'm fascinated by both because no one,

you don't want to be in a relationship, by the way, with someone who's confident but not competent. That's a nightmare. Like that, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to do most things with, so you don't want a guy coming over to you to approach you on a night out who's confident but not competent. What does that look like?

Can make you feel real uncomfortable. So it's about being competent as well. And everything that I do, I'm like people have asked me the question. Like, you know, are there really strategies for this and so on? And actually the answer is yes, but they have to be authentic to you. And it can't be you pretending to be somebody else. You have to marry internal confidence with an external strategy for the way that you communicate with people.

And, you know, I heard like, for example, I heard Joe Rogan talking about this where he was talking about his ability and conversation, having improved drastically over the years as a result of the podcast. That, to me, is, that's exactly what I talk about because you can stop. You can be bad in conversation. That has nothing to do with confidence. Yeah. That has to do with the fact that you don't know how to ask a question. You don't know how to listen. You don't know how to steer something in an interesting direction.

So all of the stuff I teach are strategies for bringing your best self to the table in dating, but it has to be underpinned by a deeper level of confidence. Otherwise, the moment someone tests it, it immediately falls apart. You can like sense it. Yeah. That someone's trying to be a certain way, which is, like, cringe-worthy. And then the moment you actually threaten to leave or the moment you're like, don't leave. Like, please, don't leave me.

you realize, ah, this person's, this is, they're full of shit, they're not really confident. Yeah. This is all an act. So it can't be an act. So can we talk about some of this?

I mean, I think even like, again, we told you this before. We don't want to talk about this. What are women doing wrong? Our goal is to lift women up and but at the same time, give them tough love and strategy,

you know? Like, is there something you see more prevalent than other things that women are, could do differently? I think that you can almost approach it at different stages. and say, you know, you can almost diagnose issues and say, what's the solution to that? So, for example, I really believe that one of the fundamental issues of our time now for men and

women is that we're not actually meeting each other in organic ways. So if you're speaking to people on Bumble or Tinder or Hinge or whatever, you're meeting too many people for our brain to kind of process, which is why we get so ridiculously over-analytical about this picture and whether this person, you know, we're, we're so much fussier than we really are. Because in person, you can meet, you could see someone who's half as hot. And you'd be like, that person's hot. For sure. On here, you're like, that no one is good enough. Right? So it creates a false standard. And I really believe, like, we see people every day that we think are attractive, but we do nothing about it. On either side, men and women, we're both

responsible for this. But a lot of guys would love to come and do something. They would love to come over. They are just terrified of doing that. And here's the problem. It's actually getting worse, not better, because the more addicted we become to apps and to dating sites, the less we even work that muscle of talking to people in person. Of course. So people like see someone in a bar and then hope they go home and find them on an app. That's right. How great. How great. Easy is that. So I think that it's not about, early on I realized, my work is, if I want to get women more options with guys, because I really believe we often choose the wrong people simply because

we have a scarcity mindset, we think we don't have options. So then the person that is in front of us or the person we've been, who treated us like crap for the last three months, but that's all we have. We go back to because it's comfortable. So I want to create more options for people. And 12 years ago when I started this, I started thinking, well, how do I get women to create more options, especially when a lot of women don't feel like it's their job to go and make the move. They want a guy to come over to them. Not all women. Like there are women like you who are

more proactive, but not always. So many women I deal with are not doing that. And I even know that anecdotally as a guy. So it's not about getting women to go do all the work. It's just about getting women to open the door for guys to do something. You'll get approached much more if you're approachable. So then the question, becomes how do you make yourself far more approachable? And when women would start saying to me, well, I'm old fashioned, you know, I don't make the first move. I would always counter that by saying, then you don't know what old fashioned is. Because a hundred years ago, a woman would walk past a guy, see that she was attracted to him and drop her handkerchief. The guy would see it, he'd think

this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man, pick it up, walk it back over to her and he'd be like, madam, you dropped this. So what's the 2020 version of dropping the handkerchief? How can we make ourselves more available. A really simple way is just asking a favor. Okay. Like you, there's a study done where they, they looked into the psychology of favors and how it increased likeability. What they were looking for is the obvious, if I do you a favor, you'll like me more. What they actually found was if I do you a favor, I like you more. We like people that were able to do some small favor for. The only caveat was that it couldn't be onerous. It couldn't be difficult to perform. Is there a favor in a bar? I'm at a bar.

So you're in a bar, you literally, let's say you're about to give a round of drinks to your friends, you say to the guy, I run out of hands, could you watch my jacket for two seconds while I give these to my friends? No one's going to say no to that. It's an easy thing to perform. Yeah, of course, no worries. You give your drinks to your friends, you come back, you grab your jacket. Thank you so much.

You're a gentleman. How's your night going anyway? You've now got a conversation where you didn't have to walk over and say, you're hot. You can start, because that's starting at 80 miles an hour, right? Which is fine. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But you might not want to do that 20 times a night. Whereas if you see someone you're mildly attracted to or you want to, then that's a way of

me dropping the handkerchief in a way that when I come back and say, how's your night going anyway? It doesn't really look like I'm doing anything. It just looks like I'm being polite. So I let's take this because I feel like so many people in cities right now, like the problems are the basics. like, okay, we're going to go out this evening. Here's what's likely to happen.

You're going to go out with the same friends you always go out with. When you walk into the venue, you're going to find a table because that's what everyone's obsessed with. Let me find somewhere to sit. Let's find a table. Let's find a place to root ourselves, which inherently makes it difficult for anyone to come and do anything. Because that's where your zone is for the evening and you create a little fortress that no one can get into, right, without splitting the group up in some awkward way. and now nothing happens. So to me, if you could almost drop the,

you could break dropping the handkerchief down into three parts. Okay. You're out. First, I see someone I like eye contact. The most obvious thing in the world, but executed poorly by 99.9% of people. I shouldn't be like miming a blow job while I do it. That's 18 miles an hour.

See, now you're going, now you're going to, $200. You are the outlier here. This is our show. Every show is about me. Nobody acts like you. Raina's success rate is 100%. She's a different level.

No one has their type of confidence. But that's what's interesting. I don't care if they say no and that's what it is. I don't, and I don't think you do either. Like I don't base my night or my confidence on a stranger saying to me, I don't find you attractive or I'm not interested in talking to you. And plenty of guys are not interested in talking to me or I'm more interested in talking to Ashley.

or one of my friends. All my friends are beautiful. I lose guys all the time to them. I just don't care. But also, like, we like to say, we're going to get into this, don't worry. We're not, we're going to go through these things. But, like, if you make eye contact with somebody,

you smile at them, you ask them to watch your coat, nobody's going to go, oh my God, you are obsessed with me and I would never date you. Like, there's no, the worst case scenario is that they don't hit on you back. And, you know, like, I think people are so terrified of this terrible scenario that isn't realistic. You know, like you build it up in your head of like the fear of rejection. It's like, what's rejection?

You're going to pick up on if somebody's feeling your vibe. And then if they are, you move forward. If not, you walk away. But that, but that is what we're, we're afraid that we're going to have to go over to someone and tell them, I like you and I want to talk to you because I like, you know, that's the version in people's heads that I've got to go over there and tell someone I like them. And now it's a real rejection because now it could go horribly wrong and so on.

we have to start breaking this down into layers. Okay, so let's go back. People can't, people don't know how to do eye contact. So, yeah, you can, and we'll talk in terms of women for the moment, if a woman is in a group of, say, three friends and she looks over at a guy and thinks he's hot, very often, she'll look at him. He won't even see her looking at him, but she'll look at him for a second and then look back at her friends and be like, okay, he knows.

like he's seen like and it he hasn't seen anything he doesn't know what he has no idea right so and and then and that women will constantly say to me like if a guy doesn't have the balls to come over to me then I'm not interested like I want the kind of guy that's got the bravery to come well there there's something I think really unfair about that because it's tricky for guys but then on the other hand all this boils down to is what he looks like because on the other hand a guy would approach a woman and she would be like, oh my God, that guy was such a creep. Can you believe he just walked over here? You know, like we all, it's not. Well, that's why guys, that's why guys are terrified. We say this too. We think that a lot of cases in this whole scenario, women aren't,

sometimes not doing themselves any favors, you know. No, they're, they're not. And that kind of judgment of people does no on any favors because it is, it's like, it shows, it shows a real lack of empathy for how hard it is for someone to come across the room. risk it all going wrong and then have to do the walk of shame back across the room to where they came from. That's extraordinarily difficult. So eye contact, it means actually make eye contact, and it means a second time, a third time, a fourth time, a fifth time.

Because it's on that fourth or fifth time or sixth time or seventh time, does someone starts to realize, oh, I am, I'm confirming that this person does want me to say something. Right, because most men are self-aware enough at a bar at a restaurant to say to themselves, okay, somebody made eye contact with me. That doesn't mean that she's interested. She's just, like, I'll have dinner. I make eye contact with all kinds of people in a restaurant.

So I like the idea of like, yeah, like, just keep doing it. Confirmation. Yeah, it's like a dumb man's brain. Like, they don't know. No, no, no. I mean, I put myself in that category. Like you, you see someone and you go, well, I could be misreading these signals. Like, I don't really know.

And sometimes it's like, well, is this person just looking at me now because I'm looking at them? Like, you don't know. So that confirmation, and by the way, throwing a half smile into that or even just a smile into that fifth look, sixth look, that does confirm to someone like, I am looking at you and there's some, I'm feeling something. Now, even at that point, he might register, oh, there's something here, but it still requires a degree of competence. And in some cases, a high degree of competence for someone to now act on that, especially if you're in a group of friends, which can be fairly intimidating. So he's well aware, because every guy has been through this, he's now going to walk over to a group of women. You have been making eye contact with him, but that doesn't know

that your, that doesn't mean that your friends know that you've been making eye contact with him. So as far as everyone else is concerned, this is just a random dude waltzing up to the group. So much as you might be about to give him a pleasant reaction, half of your friends might not. Exactly. And he's well aware of that. Every guy has been in the situation. where I'm getting a nice vibe from this person, but her friend is giving me daggers right now. And that's a hard situation to be in too. So now he's still got to go over and have an audience

because as soon as he comes over, the rest of the friends are now listening in going, oh, what's happening here? What's he saying and so on? So the second key, first is eye contact multiple times, confirm it. The second is get proximity. Actually get closer to the person. Separate from the group.

Separate, if you can, separate from, the group and you don't have to walk across the room but you know your group's just standing over here to your right hand side just go stand by the bar for a couple of minutes order a drink on your own like give him the moment that he can and ideally go order a drink closer to where he is at the bar because it's so much easier for a guy to turn his head and say hello than it is for him to walk across the room and say hello let's just like get that I think that shouldn't even be the goal that's a crazy thing a guy with that kind of confidence it's going to come up and approach the group and like, hey, notice you looking at me.

We don't want that guy. So let's just take it out of the scenario. Like, I don't even, it's crazy. You know what I mean? What is that guy got going on that he is that confidence? That is crazy. It's a movie version of a life. It's not realistic.

Right. It's not 99 guys out of 100. Like, it's just many, like women will say to me, oh, this isn't true. Like, guys, I get guys approaching me or whatever. Yeah, it's the same 1% in every venue. you. It's always the same type of guy. The same guy. You will always, if you hang back and don't do anything, you will always meet

the loudest man in the room. Amen. And that's dangerous because that's a certain type. Not always. Sometimes it could be a good guy, but a lot of the time, there's a certain type of guy that is able to work the room in that way. Most men will look at you. They'll enjoy looking at you. They'll smile and they'll leave the venue and they'll go about their lives because they, you gave them no opening. So you're totally right. Which is sad for both parties. because you both go home and like, oh, I wish I could meet someone. And you saw someone tonight. Yeah.

Okay. So proximity. So get proximity. Get closer. And then the final part is if he doesn't say something, don't be afraid to say something. But that something doesn't have to be a lot. It can be the smallest thing. I was in a Starbucks.

I yawned and the woman near me went, she looked at me and she went long day. Yes. Little things like that. No one's going to be like, I have a girlfriend. Right. Exactly. Like, that's not. Well, these guys approached us at a bar.

They were trying to order a drink. But I liked his line. It was a cocktail bar. And he was like, what do you guys like on the menu? And like, it's simple, but it like opened us up physically to talk into these guys. And like, maybe you're attracted to them. Maybe you're not. But like that, hey, what do you like to drink here?

Yes. It's just so simple, I think. And it's not, I'm not necessarily hitting on you. I think it's also plausible deniability that like I just wanted to know what was on the menu. It was good. It's simple works. And actually, like you said, because it's not necessarily. clear in the beginning whether you're being hit on or not. It's just opening the doorway for

communication. That is something you should be doing with a lot of people when you go out. Just practice. Yeah, I'm a big believer in this idea that do not wait all evening for the one person you think is incredibly hot to walk in for you to suddenly do something. Because you're not going a turn from someone who's being quiet and talking to their friends to this like outgoing gregarious person who the moment Mr. Hot Guy walks in, you're going to suddenly bolt over there. It doesn't work like that. Like social skills are a muscle and they're even a muscle on a particular night. How many of us have felt before a party or something?

I don't want to do this. I get that. Every party. I get it all the time. I literally. I am still an introvert. I have extroverted moments, but I'm still an introvert at heart.

I still have shy moments. I will get into a venue and be like, oh my, we're doing this. I've got to do this now. I've got to talk to people. I've got, I still get that.

I just know how to overcome it these days. And one of the ways I overcome it is look at those first 30 minutes. So that first hour of the night as just mini moments, mini interactions. I don't have to stay anywhere for too long.

I'm just like, I'm a big fan. I used to call it two hit theory. I need to come up with a better name for this. But the idea was that you should see every interaction in a night as two hits, not one, where you see someone next to you and you say, oh, I like your shoes. And then you turn away. Like, I like your shoes. Those are cool.

And then just keep talking to your friend. That's the first hit. But here's what you've done. Most people go out with how many people like on an evening out. about two, maybe, three. So they only know two or three people. That means that the next nicest person to the two or three people they came out with

is going to be their best friend in that venue. Right? The next nicest person. So we should all focus on being the next nicest person for everybody. Right. By the way, later in the night, an hour from now, people will be shocked. If they did this for the first hour,

they would be shocked at how many interactions start coming to them over the next two hours from people who are looking for conversation and who are now, who are they going to go to for the conversation? The nice person. The most approachable person they've come across so far tonight. I like this affirmation of confidence, like where you say, like you're somebody who does a lot of public speaking, so we're Ashley and I.

And I like this affirmation that like even the, you should remember that even the people that do it professionally aren't the most confident people. Like, we're all insecure. Like, it's still, like, you go to a bar and even somebody like you who, like, I would look at and think is the most confident person in the world. You talk for a living. You give advice for a living. Like, even somebody like you is not always sure of himself.

And so, like, it's good to remember not all men are just out here, super confident, ready to, like, fuck everything, you know? They're definitely not. And I think confidence is wildly misunderstood. It's not a light switch. It's a muscle. Like people think like, I'm going to, I'm going to, once I learn how to be confident, that's a light switch that now is turned on. It's not.

It's a, this is a muscle you have to work every day. And there are different levels at which you can work that muscle. Like when I do my retreats, there are literally three layers of confidence that I teach. And even at the deepest layer, it is a muscle that has to be worked. And I have to work that for myself every day. And I know that on the days where I'm feeling unsure of myself, on the days where I'm like, oh man, I'm just not, I don't know what's going on, why I'm not feeling good on stage today or why am I nervous before going on this radio show?

Or it's usually because I haven't worked, I haven't done the things that work that muscle that day. I also just wanted to touch on like the approach to like I've been out with somebody a few times and he came up to me at a comedy club and I mean, I performed, but he just said like, great set and like notice we were wearing the same outfit. you know, like we were like from the like sweatshirt to the like black pants to white shoes. And I, if I, I like immediately was like, oh, I find this person attractive. So it just that you turn to that person, you start talking. If not, it would have been like, oh my God, that's so funny.

Okay, have a good night. You know, like maybe you chat a little bit more. But I think if I wasn't interested in him, I wouldn't have thought he was a creep. I just would have been like he had an observation about something that's happening in the world. And that's what we always tell people is like, we've met people waiting in line for something. Because it's like you comment on like, oh my God, can you believe this line is so long. You know, like a light complaint, I think, works wonders too. And I just think that people have this feeling of the Starbucks thing you mentioned, like anything around you that someone is experiencing

at the same time, you can comment on and no one's ever going to think you're weird. No. And it's, and it's just, I'm so, I'm obsessed with this idea because I know that it's literally the difference between people meeting the love of their life and not. Like, is the stakes are that high on these tiny moments is that, and by the way, I also believe that there's another love of your life waiting around the corner. So I don't, I'm not that, like there's one person for everyone thing, but, but that, what you just said is so important and profound and people must, must listen to that. And it's also about always just like, just, you don't have to go straight to your heart, you could just push it one millimeter further. Like, when someone's

when I'm, when I've said something to someone and then they say to me, so what are you doing here? Or so how long have you lived here? I'm like, ah, okay, they want to talk. Like, just the one extra question is sometimes all you need to be like, okay. Again, it's mini confirmations. And I'm, I'm a big believer in you, you have to close down space so that someone feels like, so that you engage someone in the first place. So like making eye contact, getting proximity and saying something is closing down space, right? There's space between you, you're closing it down because we're all just atoms. We need to collide. Like that's it. It's as simple as that. So you close down space. But now what we're worried about is, oh, I'm going to be interrupting this person's day or

night. I don't want them to think that I'm like going to be stuck here with them. I don't want them to feel like, you know, and their other person sometimes is thinking, oh, someone's just come up to me, are they going to now, am I stuck? Especially women, like, am I stuck with this guy now? Is he going to go anywhere? It's almost like sometimes you don't have time to even process if you're attracted to someone, if your primary thought is, are they ever going to leave? So we close down space, but then you have to recreate a little space. And that to me is why sometimes, whether it's leaving to go to the bathroom, whether it's turning to talk to your friends again, those moments are crucial. Because it's that moment that allows someone to, A, observe you without having

to have the, like, we're looking each other in the eye talking. But B, it allows them to now make the next move. And when they make the next move, you have a little confirmation, like, ah, they do want to continue that. So it's constantly closing down and recreating enough space that you have validation that this person wants to talk to you too. Well, I love the watch my stuff thing. And I think I know a couple that's married from that. Like, when they were at the coffee shop, can you watch my computer, you know. And I think when you ask somebody to watch your stuff, I mean, again, guys, don't come for us if you get your shit stolen, but like, it's not our fault. But when you come back from the bathroom or whatever you were doing, delivering drinks to your friends,

like if they open the door back up, you'll know, like I've experienced that before where, you know, you ask somebody that and then you come back and you're like, thank you so much. And then they're like, someone tried to steal up, but I fought them off. You know, like they have been thinking of a way to talk to you while you were in the bathroom taking a shit. You know what I mean? So, no, I'm just kidding. But like, I think we all, not everybody, most of us have a pretty. solid sense of if someone wants to talk to us or not.

Like you can pick up on like, am I annoying this person or do they want to continue this thing that we have? And I think that's just such a solid thing is the like, what's the Wi-Fi password? I mean, we have all these opportunities when we're out and coffee shop. We had a guy on James Crispy Shorts who that was, he did that with his now fiancee was the can you watch my motorcycle helmet? That's what it was. He'd been eyeing this girl. She was sitting there reading a book at a coffee shop. And he had. has to watch his helmet and they're engaged out. You know, like these things are really...

Imagine if he hadn't. Right. That's so crazy to me about life. Like that whole chaos theory thing, the butterfly effect is so real when it comes to this stuff. Yeah. And I think that you're totally right. I think you'll know, I mean,

we have to pay attention to social cues. Like, you know when somebody doesn't want to talk to you, pay attention to it. And if they don't, that's also not the end of the world either. Like, that person is not the validation for whether you are good looking, a fun, cool, funny. Like, I'm at coffee shops all the time for work.

I all the time ask somebody to watch my computer. When I come back, sometimes it opens a conversation, and sometimes it does that. She lives her nudes on the computer. I've done that before. I was an accident. Why were they up on your computer? I was looking through Google. Jesus Christ. I was looking through Google photos for like a promotional

photo and just happened to be in there. Like, I took nudes that day too. So, when I just, I think women sometimes are, scared to stand alone. Like when that guy came up to me, I was standing by myself watching a comedy show. I mean, granted, I was there alone. I was on the show.

But like, I don't know that he would have come up to me if I was there with three girlfriends and fought through the crowd. Yeah. Like, I was the most open. I'm standing there. We're experiencing the same thing and I'm alone. It's like we said all the time. I mean, if you want to, I think if you have the balls to go to a comedy show alone,

you might meet somebody. But if he walked away from you and like didn't laugh at your jokes or didn't care what you said, like I don't think it's. the end of the world and it's not like, that's not the litmus test for whether you're good looking. Like maybe that's just not your person. That person doesn't find you good looking. And I think that's the confidence in this is like knowing we can do these things, but we, but not allowing that person to be the measure and the gauge of, is this not going to be good? Am I good looking? Am I cool and worthy? You know? That's exactly right. So just keep doing it. So we were,

before we kind of went back into it, but I like that you were asking kind of like, where do you get this confidence from? Like I know you talk a lot about confidence and perspective. Like flexing that muscle. Yeah. I like like I think that for me, at least what I suffer from is not confidence in a first interaction. I'll introduce myself to anybody and that's what we do for a living all the time. But for me, it's that like four or five date range that I'm in where I'm like, I like this person, how do I communicate this in a confident way? And that's a little harder for me. So what are you afraid of at that point? I mean, I'm afraid of the same thing. Everybody's afraid of, which is, you know, seeming needy, seeming jealous, seeming like I want more

than the other person. It's always afraid, I think scary to tell another person, I want something, do you want this? That's kind of interesting, right? Because like 60 seconds ago, you were the most gung-ho person in terms of saying what people think of me isn't a reflection of how attractive I am and doesn't matter. So what changes at date for? Because you've shown them your vulnerable side. Yeah, so they got to know me. Like if somebody doesn't know me at all and I just walk up and say hello, I don't care if they like me. That person doesn't know anything about me. But like, once I've been out of much of dates with somebody. I've slept with somebody. They've seen me naked. I have

told them about my family or whatever it is. If that person then actually reads you and decides they don't like you, it's always a bummer. I'm not going to, I'm not going to die. I agree with you that you're the next love of your life to be around the corner. But yes, I do have sort of a problem. I think sometimes articulating what I want in a confident way. So how you flex that muscle is important. Shouldn't we reverse that though? Like exactly the way you put it, which makes perfect logical sense. I don't care about someone's opinion when they don't know me. When they do know me, it feels like a real rejection.

In a way, I think we have to flip it so that if someone gets to know me and then they don't want me, that's about as wrong for me as someone can be. Okay. They can't be more wrong for me than knowing me and rejecting me. Right. And that's the thing that, like for me, in any, breakup, the ultimate realization that

anyone has to get to. And if someone comes to me trying to get over a breakup, the ultimate place that anyone has to get to is someone who doesn't want me cannot, by definition, be right for me. I mean, I can't say it enough. It's all I say, if you don't like me and I don't like you.

I just, I can't write it off that easy. I think you spent like three months with a person. I don't think that you're in that category. I don't think you would spend three months with a person and be like, well, if you don't like me, I don't like, you know. It is. It's more, it is. I mean, like, when you're a little more into it. I don't think it's that easy. I don't think what we're talking about is easy at all.

I am talking about, like at the beginning. Yes, when they're being an asshole and fucking with you. And she's great at that, you know? But I think it's, it's not easy. But I do think that there is an emotional place that we have to get to where we say, you, I, let's say I'm in a relationship and someone's not meeting. my needs, you're not right for me if my needs aren't being met. If I'm not happy, you can't be right for me. And if I'm in the early stages where someone can't even commit to me or suddenly starts going cold on me, to me there is a kind of simplicity to that where I look at it and

all I have to do is imagine. Like go back to being a romantic. Like imagine what's my, what have I always wanted in my love life? And the. the thing that's the same for everybody there is, well, I want someone who's sure of me. I want someone who's really sure that I'm their person. Like anything that's a deviation from that is a massive departure from what I've always wanted, from what I wanted growing up, from the love I always said I'd have. So the moment that someone starts pulling away from you, with every day that they pull away, with every day that they ghost you or with every time that they disrespect you,

in a way we should be severing more and more of those threads between them and the idea of the ideal love that we're looking for. And I think that is what is easy to logically, you know, logic doesn't actually help us in an emotional situation very often. But we always say like the alternative is accept less, accept less of what you want and less of what you think you deserve. and you're going to keep putting yourself in that position. And that's the alternative.

Like, you could stay with that person, but you just accept less. And that's a terrible place to be. Well, it's, it's, we're lying to ourselves because we're, all we're really doing is lying to ourselves about how unhappy we either are or are about to be. Like,

there are plenty of people that will see a guy that didn't message them for the last two weeks. He suddenly comes out of the woodwork and he's like, hey, like, what are you up to this weekend? And they'll see him because they really want. to see that guy. And there's this huge surge of emotion and rush

of like, I get to see them and maybe, but what they're not anticipating right now is the horrible hangover that they're going to feel at the end of that experience when this person goes cold again. And we have to associate more into the pain that's coming.

Like how, if I, a friend of mine, Jesse Isler says if you have to make a snap decision, ask yourself how will I feel about this decision tomorrow? I guess it's just the what's wrong with me, right? Like, it's just the like, how do you shift that? We constantly try. We talk about all the time.

Like, if someone isn't sure about me, they don't want me, I've gotten to a place in my life in my 30s, the work that I've done, what we've learned on this podcast, of being like, that's not my person, this might hurt a little bit. I might miss them. I might miss the way that we laugh together, we'd sex, whatever it is, but I can move on from this because I know that's not the person for me, right?

And then so I'm glad this ended sooner than later. But when you're a little younger, you just, you know, you're built differently. It's like this whole what's wrong with me thing. And by the way, that can happen at any age. That, that like can get the best of us. Sure. Someone can crush you. Of course. And you thought you were so strong. Oh, no. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Like you all, we all have to, I, you have to respect the drug. Like, you have to respect. Anytime you go into something that's as potent as like romance or love or any drug.

and you have a disregard like, I'm fine, I'm confident, I'm this, I'm that, that's when you're going to get fucked. It's because you're not respecting how powerful that drug is and how much it can mess with your mind. And in that situation, when we start questioning our worth, it's usually because we're basing our worth

around the wrong things, and we've forgotten where our worth actually comes from. And one of the big things, one of the big things that I've been working on for years and thinking about for years is, where does real confidence come from? Like when you think of deep, deep, deep level confidence, where does that, what is that?

Because there's surface level confidence, which is the way that we portray ourselves. And that's actually important. I mean, it's not that that's unimportant. But that's, you know, you could walk on stage and have the bravado and have that way about you and people look at you, oh, wow, isn't she a confident person, whatever? That's surface level.

Then there's the middle level, the lifestyle level. that's like genuine things that underpin confidence. Could be that you've achieved a lot in your career in your lifetime. It could be that you've studied different subjects and that makes you feel very eloquent in different areas. It could be that you have a dog that you love. It could be that you have a family that is your tribe and who you know have your back. It's all these things that give you an external source of confidence. And again, that's important too.

should build those things in life that expand you that allow you to rely on different parts of your life for parts of your identity and validation and so on but the dangerous part about that level is that it can go away is that any one of those things can can go away overnight and then if all of your confidence is rooted in that then you're very much vulnerable all the time to changes in circumstance and so I'm all and by the way most people in life who look confident who seem confident, who even seem to be able to back that confidence up, are only lifestyle confident. They are confident because that lifestyle level of confidence is going well for them. They are riding a wave. And that's, those are the people that when shit starts to go wrong,

then you start to see, ah, they seemed really confident, but they were only confident because everything was going right. Well, but I don't know, because like, can't, you have inner confidence and outer confidence? Like, how would a person with interconfidence act then? Just quiet and, I mean, like, you don't know what I mean? No, no, no. It's you can certainly have both. It's just that outer confidence melts away when it's tested

if it's not underpinned by something else. By really doing the work on yourself. By doing the work. Now, but doing the work isn't just the lifestyle level because to me, I'm always, I'm always interested in, what's the level even deeper than that? That means things can go wrong in my life. and I'm not going to lose my confidence.

Because you can't just be confident on the days that you get an A in the exam of life. You have to, like, I could be an F student today, but I'm not going to lose my worth. How do you do that? Most people do lose their worth at that point. That's the layer that I call the core. And that is 100% about the relationship you have with yourself.

And it cannot be based on you know when people say like people say it's such an obvious cliche thing you should love yourself but if you really get to talk to people about this you'll find how hard they find to articulate or think about this concept because you say to someone well why should you love yourself

and say well because I'm generous and I'm kind and I'm a good person and I work hard and I they're still listing all of these things that are giving themselves an A Are you going to tell us or are you going to be like and now you have to sign it for my seminar I'll see you in Florida folks

I want to hear it doesn't sound bad like what you're listing I agree with you like I to me it doesn't there's material things you can feel confident about money your career where you live what your apartment looks like what your clothing looks like and there's inner confidence but you're saying there's like another level like I think

I think you should feel confident about yourself if you're kind if you're generous if you have these personality traits and what if you're not what if you're not then you're worthless no so here's what here's my self-talk I think that, like when I think about like men, I think that there's always going to be somebody personally

that's better looking than me, that's funnier than me, that's smarter than me, that's richer, that's more successful, etc. There's always going to be people that are more than that. That doesn't make me less of those things. So, yeah, I'm in my 30s. I don't look like I looked when I was 21. But that doesn't make me like that much less attractive than I am now. Like, I just, that's where my confidence comes from.

That's my self-talk. Like, there will always be somebody better than May, and that's okay, and I can still like myself, and that doesn't make me less of those things. I mean, I love that. I think it's really, it's important. That gets to a deeper level already, because really you're not then using those things as a barometer.

You know what I mean? It's now we're out of the comparison system with other people, which is massively, massively important. And I think actually that's connected to the way that I teach this, because the way I think about it is in terms of unconditional love. we understand this concept

in relation to certain people in our lives when people think about their kids no one, people don't need their kids to do well today for them to want the best for their kids they just, I just want, I love you, what do you mean? I want the best for you. It doesn't mean, you could be an asshole today. I still want the best for you.

I have two brothers. Whatever they do, and an unconditional love there, that they can be a terrible person today, and I still want the best for you. Because I love, why? Because you're my brother. No other reason.

There's no logic to that. It's just, you're mine. You're mine. What do you mean? You're mine. You're my brother. To me, the ultimate secret to confidence is flipping that and understanding

that that same unconditional love that we give to certain people in our lives can be turned inward. and we can love ourselves for no other reason than we are ours. Like, I love me because I'm mine. I am, since the day I was born, it's been my job to protect me. It's been my job to be responsible for me. And I believe that in that very simple idea, that's the key to ultimate.

confidence. Do you give people tools? Like do you like affirmations or you know what I mean? Because it's like I, I agree. I agree. You know, but. It's a set of processes. So on on day five of my retreat, the first thing we do, well, not the first thing we do, but part of this process is you have to connect people. Even now I'm saying this logically, people have to connect to it more than logically. They have to connect to it on an emotional level. Because we're not moved by logic. We're moved by emotion. Right. So, one of the things I do on day five is we literally have an hour long visualization process that people go through in the room. Okay. Where it actually, we do this as a story so that people can buy into the story

and they can go on that journey. But we also begin a process of very practical things that people do. Like, you know, one of the most detrimental things you can do for your confidence is breaking promises to yourself. if you say you're going to do something and then you don't do it, it erodes confidence consistently. So I'd much rather people make small promises to themselves that they keep and then begin to build up a relationship of trust with themselves,

then leave my retreat, set these extraordinary goals for what they're going to do tomorrow, and then do none of it. And then they're back to having a person that they don't trust. So keeping promises to yourself is one thing. forgiveness, your ability to move on quickly when you do something wrong is absolutely crucial to everything that's coming because most of us waste 80% of our energy on beating ourselves up for something stupid. I said something stupid I did. I wish I hadn't done that.

I procrastinated today. And in that thing I said I was going to get done, I didn't get done. So the inverse of that is you have to keep to your promises. but when you break them or when you screw up, you have to be a master at moving on and forgiving yourself at lightning pace. Can I play devil's advocate and ask a question though? Because I think that some people could rationalize this advice to say,

like, I shouldn't work on myself. Like if you do something shitty, I think that you should feel shitty about it. That doesn't mean you should never forgive yourself. But I think that like there is in there a little bit of like you shouldn't feel confident about everything that you do. And if you say to yourself, I'm not kind and generous.

I don't know that necessarily you should love that about yourself. There's a line in Jurassic Park of all movies. I was hoping you'd bring up dinosaurs. You can't really talk about confidence without bringing up dinosaurs. Absolutely. There's a moment where, what's his name, Dr. Hammond, who owns the park? He says to one of the guys on the computer, he says, I don't blame people for their mistakes.

but I do ask that they pay for them. And I think therein lies the balance is that I this year in 2020, I, Matthew, in 2020, have to deal with what 2019 Matthew handed me, right? He fucked up a lot. He made a lot of mistakes. I got a deal with the, I think of it like a relay race, like a baton, right? you're a baton. I think of it like that.

Like the last runner in the race, the 2019 me was the runner before me. He hands me the baton. My job is now to run the next portion of the race. Now I'm not going to sit there in the mirror and berate myself right now for something that the previous runner did. But I do have to pay for what the previous runner did.

So if the previous runner tripped up, if the previous runner slowed down, if the previous runner hurt our time, I might have to run a better race today as a result of that runner. Right. Just like, because I beat myself up a lot, like when I make a mistake or I forget something or something, you know, whatever, if I feel like I don't perform well and stand up or whatever it is. And I just am like, well, I'm just going to do better next time. Like there's no, I can't change the past. I mean,

the only thing is to just like make note of it, move on from it, forgive yourself and try to do better, right? I equate it to yelling at your current iPhone for something an old iPod did. Like if your old iPod was buggy and like froze and, you know, it just deleted your songs or whatever, taking your brand new iPhone and yelling at it. It doesn't make sense. This is new software. This is a new piece of equipment. And I think of that every day we wake up. The software has been updated. So just make it better and feel confident in the fact that you're making it better and you're keeping it rolling. I could be pissed at the one from yesterday, the runner yesterday. I could be pissed. I could be like, you fucking, you've given me this race to run.

today. What the fuck? I could be pissed, but I'm not going to look at the runner today in the mirror and start calling her names. Okay. So like every day is a new day. Every day is a new day and every day is a new you. Right. Every day is a new person that wakes up. So don't yell at the new model. Right. Let the new model take care of business. Don't yell at the new model. Okay. Yeah. I just wanted to ask because I think that some people would hear that and be like, okay, well, I can't just forgive myself for everything. And I love the, like, just the advice that like, you you just got to work on yourself. It's also about practicality.

You're no good to anyone while you're sitting in a room beating yourself up. Right. You're no good to the world in that state. The thing that sticks out to me is like somebody who emailed us and said like, well, I cheated on my last significant other and I can't forgive myself. And, you know, I think that that's the perfect example of like you should identify why you did those things and what caused you to do that and figure out how I'm not going to do this again and you're allowed to forgive yourself.

Yeah. And also this energy that you, like, you have time now. You have years left. So, and none of us know how much, but you're still here, which means you still have the ability to make an extraordinary impact. That person you hurt does not have to be in vain. You hurt someone. We've all hurt people.

Yeah. And we've all had regrets about that. But that doesn't need to be in vain. That can be the greatest gift to everyone else you ever come across. Because it produces, it's like a, with that mistake and with the guilt that you felt and how horrible you feel and all of that, it's like a piece of you dies. Like, you, that old you is dead. And you get, you come back as someone bigger. Now you get to go into the life with everyone else and bring a completely different version of you as a result. The world wouldn't have got that version of you if you didn't fuck up before. Exactly. You get to be twice as loving, three times as loving. If you'd never made that mistake, you really think you'd be as loving as you'd be as loving as you're good. be in the next chapter of your life, the world would have been deprived of how loving you're about

to be. That could only be produced from that pain. Right. And that to me is like stunningly beautiful. I love that. And I think, you know, we've been in relationships, like my past relationship that was serious and just going through it, I remember my mom saying to me, like, you're, whoever gets to be with you next is going to be so lucky. Because like, you have made so many mistakes. You've learned so much about yourself. You've, like, gone through the worst of it. And you're going to be so much better for it for the next person because that wasn't your person. That I think is so important for people to hear because you should give yourself, everyone should give themselves credit now for how awesome they will be in the next relationship. I said this in a video recently. I'm a better partner than I've ever been

in my life and I don't have anyone to be a partner to right now. That's how I feel. Well, I'm Raina's partner, but yeah. But I think, you know, I think a lot about what you said in terms of like, you know, I mean, I cheated on somebody with a very long time ago and I did it once and I felt terrible and or in your last relationship you were maybe not as nice as you wanted to be. And I think that we can reflect on those things

and say like the reason why I behave like this is because I didn't communicate what I needed asked for what I wanted. I might have picked the wrong person to begin with which you know maybe was a little bit of that for me but I look back on the situation. We always say like once a cheater, always a cheater or once somebody who's like always screaming and yelling are you always

going to be like that and I think that you're not because you can forgive yourself for those things, but also take the lesson, which was that, like, I didn't ask for what I needed. I maybe picked the wrong person. And it led me down this path. And like, let's think about why I was on that path. And you're totally right. Makes you a better partner. Yeah. I just want to have you like answer this. I'm just curious, like, what your answer to this is. Like kind of backing up, we went down like a different row, which I'm glad we did. But like, this person, let's say, she's been with this guy, you know, three months, four months. And she feels like she's falling for him. It's going great. You know,

know, they're vibing, they're the sex is great, they're, whatever, they're just having a great time, she's really into him. And then she just, she just gets like broken up with out of the blue. And we say, like, that's not your person, which is just easy to say. Yeah, it's the truth, but it's kind of like, okay, I get it. That wasn't my person, but like, why? You know, what's wrong with me? Well, I think, firstly, it's really important in times of pain to learn the right lessons because you can learn a lot of the wrong lessons in times of pain. Like the wrong lesson could be, I don't want to make myself vulnerable again, right? Screw that.

That got my heartbroken. The wrong lesson can be, I'm worthless. We learn a lot of terrible lessons in times of pain. The first thing I'd say to someone is, okay, start by congratulating yourself. If you're this hurt, it means you put yourself on the line. and not everyone has the courage to do that. And that is, you cannot, the experience you're looking for in life cannot be had

unless you're a kind of person that puts yourself on the line. So that, firstly, take the gift of that, take the credit for that. Secondly, you have to, as quickly as possible, start doing the things that strengthen every part of you and your life. there's the, anytime you go through a break up or any time someone hurts you, there's the, we call it,

there's the athlete recovery method or there's the hangover recovery method. The hangover recovery method is, you know, when you go out, you have a big night, you wake up, you're hung over, what do you do? You like eat a bunch of greasy foods. I order Grubhub three times.

I watch everything on Netflix. I never see the light of day until Ashley, please don't ask me any questions that aren't necessary to our business. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. So there's all these things we do, that when you're hung over,

feel pretty good. But they're not necessarily things that, they're not productive, they don't actually put good things in your body, they don't put good things in your mind. And in a breakup, there's a hangover way of dealing with a breakup, which is, I'm hurt,

I'm going to close down, but I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people I don't care about, but I'm going to go back to some X I shouldn't go back to. I'm going to start eating ice cream all day. I'm going to start sleeping all day. I'm going to, like, we do,

we isolate, I'm going to do all of these things that on the surface feel good in the very short term, but they are definitely not going to get me where I need to be. Right. When an athlete injures a part of themselves, they immediately work on every, firstly, they eat the right foods. They know that sleep is crucial, so they're getting enough sleep. They train every other part of their body that is functional.

all right, my shoulder's out. Can't use that. Not going to try right now. But I'm going to train every other part of my body because when that shoulder comes back online, I've got to be ready to go. And that's the way I see our heart during a breakup. Get really skinny is what you're saying. Yeah, well, not quite. That's why I'm kidding. Get really hot. Well. So you can get a better person. Part of it. Part of it is training.

like you want to be confident but it's training your heart's offline right now so trying to like I'm not gonna like that's a muscle that's wounded I don't need to mess with that muscle right now let me work on everything else

forget that I don't need to go out and date again I don't need to do let me go out and take up a new hobby let me spend more time with friends that fill me up that make me feel whole let me spend more time on my family relationships let me read books I hadn't read before let me travel to places I haven't been before

let me do things that I wouldn't do in that relationship so I can build a log of here's all the positive things I think this is really important literally fill your life with so many things that you would know you wouldn't have done if you were in that relationship so that the list keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger do all of these things so that when your heart comes back online everything else about your life is already firing on all cylinders what you don't want is like suddenly you feel like you're kind of back ready to go again but now you're your life, like you slowed down everything, you procrastinated everything, you haven't been in the game, you haven't been building friendships, you haven't been doing this, that.

It is undoubtedly one of the worst things someone can experience. There's no minimizing that. Yeah. But it is the most beautiful opportunity to train everything else. And I also think that when someone hurts you like that, there's something in a good way, I think really humbling about it. that is actually important. It makes you strong.

I mean, when you bomb it stand up, it's really, you're a better person for it. Right. When you get dumped, you're a better person for it. You just are. Yeah. I don't think you have to wake up the day after a breakup and be like,

I'm going to take all these classes. I'm going to travel to many places. Like you're allowed to heal. But I love this idea of just making yourself a better person. And we've done episodes about dealing with a breakup and how to come back from it. This is the advice we've always given people. And I mean, how much better of a person

that makes you for the next person when you're ready to do it also. I've traveled. I have hobbies, I have interests, I have friends. I'm not so available to you. And I think that it's just, it's great advice to anybody. Yeah. And I think people shouldn't punish themselves for fluctuating between strong and crazy during that time.

Yeah, there's, I mean, when we actually did a whole episode with Amy Chan about like, what's happening in your body and like, you know, working through that. But I think for me, what I have to do when bad stuff happens, if it's a breakup, it is all of that. And so I can eventually look back on it as a positive and that I'm thankful that this person broke my heart or I'm thankful that this person broke up with me. So I think that's the ultimate goal is to do all these things as a result that you can't not be thankful that they broke up with you. Yeah. And actually, I think that everyone should be like it is to get that body, ladies, just so we're clear. I feel like people don't break up with me enough because I'm just, I keep gaining weight. It's crazy.

I want somebody to really decimate me in a way that is, It's good for my body. Or just go back to Mexico and drink the water like you did last time. I looked so good last year. I got food poisoning. It was amazing. No, but I think that like, I mean, what I've taken from, what I took from the cheating at least was that like, yeah, I did it once.

It was 10 years ago. It's not like this is a pattern for me. But what I took from it was I was with the wrong person because I was seeking some kind of somebody that was better, smarter, more interesting. I was just at the baseline, just with the wrong person. And then I sought out what I needed in the wrong way. and in a way that made me feel really shitty and horrible. And so I'm not glad for the experience,

but it has made me a better person. And the breakup with him eventually also made me a better person because I found Ashley we started this business. Yeah, I can't imagine your life with him. I also think, like, when you get to the end of a breakup and you realize you're okay, that is one of the most powerful things in life. It's such a good feeling.

Everyone should have that. Yeah. Everyone should realize, everyone should have the experience of having their heartbroken and realizing it didn't actually kill them. I felt like I was going to die and I didn't. Because then there is a kind of, some people take that to be like, oh, that scarred me. I think of it as it can develop a fearlessness. Because you know, well, fuck.

I mean, if I can get my heartbroken like that and be okay, I'll be all right. I have a guy friend. He had a broken engagement and like, I've never seen him so fucked up. And then that was his attitude after that. It was like, I've been through the absolute worst. Like, I want somebody, but I don't need somebody. If it happens to me again, it's not going to ruin my life. Yes.

And to see him in that space post-breakup was, I mean, just a strong, successful guy. And like, I remember talking to him so much after that and all the girls he dated after that. And he, he wasn't flippant. He wasn't indifferent. He wasn't like, I don't care. I can take him or leave them. but his mindset was that if they would leave him, he would be okay.

Yes. Because he's been through the worst that he feels like he could be through. So I think that, but I mean, I think also just, I don't know your take on this, but I think women get wrapped up in this, like, I need to know why. And I need to know why I wasn't the person for you and what I did. And I think, I don't know what you say to that. But sometimes Rayne and I just say, you don't always know. Like sometimes people don't even know.

Like there's, do you really need to hash this? out and walk through everything and have this person tell you the moment they stopped having feelings for you? Or can you just know that it wasn't the right fit and move on with your life? Because I think that's what people go crazy. They read every text. They try to figure out where it went wrong. And sometimes it's like, why do you even need to know this? I think closure is overrated. Thank you. That's what we're saying. Well, sometimes you're never going to get it. Like sometimes the answer is you were never going to marry that person. And then women, not women, but everybody says, well, I didn't ask them to marry me. But you would have. You.

You know, if we keep going down this line, you would have asked me to move in together. You would have asked me to get married. And then I'm in a situation that I really cannot get out of without destroying somebody in a terrible way. But yeah, we all want to know why. And like, after like the last guy I like ended things with, I read every text message. And I mean, I do this for a living. I know that it's not as personal as it always seems. But I read every text message.

I was like, where did this go wrong? What did I say wrong? What did I ask for that I should never have asked for, you know? And I think you're right. Sometimes the answer is just you weren't the one. You weren't the one. And that's not like sometimes we get enough distance from the hurt of something that we can then, well, hopefully always we get enough distance from the hurt of something that we can then

start to have some self-awareness where we go, well, okay, even if they're not the right person for me, what could I have done better? Was there a different energy at times that I could have brought? Not for their sake, but for the sake of the next person. There's someone who is going to come along who is going to be the love of my life. I want to bring them my best. Is there anything I can learn? And I think it's really useful to frame it in those terms, not what could I have done differently with this person that would have made it work? That's that's masochism. But instead, what would my next partner who I really want to make it work with

benefit from me learning from my last relationship? Now it removes the ego of I'm doing, I'm making a change that my last partner would have wanted. And then I think it is worth asking that question, you're not going to, the reason I say closure is overrated is because you will sit around hoping for something that you're not going to get, usually from that person, because they're not being, you never know how honest someone is really being with you. You never know what they're keeping in it. We all know we've broken up with people where we didn't give them the honest, honest, honest, honest truth. Well, I always joke, like with men, like there's just somebody else. Like, he just found somebody else. And like a lot of times people aren't going to be honest with you about that. Right.

So let me ask you, I mean, just in the vein of what you're like, if closure is overrated and you can't have it, how do you soothe yourself from dealing with that? Well, I do think that you, I do think that there are certain things that we're not as blind to as we, you know, we, we are more self-aware than sometimes we give ourselves credit for. We can look back and go, totally. I was a little too much of this, or there were times when I was difficult to be around, or I would fix this in my next relationship. I do want to work on that.

So I think there are certain things. And I also think it's worth us asking sometimes the people we do trust how we, what they saw, you know, when it's friends or family, I've been in relationships where friends and family were, you know, when I was out of it, they started getting really honest with me about like, I felt like you were ignoring your needs in that relationship. Like I'd literally watch you,

ignoring certain things that were really important to you in order to please this person. And at the time, I was too close to it to hear that. But once I got some distance, I could then look at that and go, huh, what was going on with me that I allowed that to happen? because I allowed that to happen. And it is possible that this person lost some respect for me in the process

because I wasn't respecting myself. Like with distance, you can start to admit those things, those very difficult truths. So I think there is a form of closure that can come in the form of self-awareness. But I think we need some distance for that. And that's not something that you should be looking for necessarily in the weeks after a breakup. Because there you're just in survival mode,

working on dealing with your heart being broken. Right. And by the way, I will say this, because a lot of the, one of the things that really freaks people out in a breakup is, one of the reasons they're looking for closure is, is there anything I can still do? Like, I could fix this.

I could, I need them back. So there's, there's that element to it. And I think what people need is to be able to sleep at night. And there are productive conversations you can have with someone. that will allow you to sleep at night. For example, you saying to the person that's just broken up with you very calmly and in a neutral way, I care about you deeply and I love you deeply.

And I believe that I'm willing to give to this relationship on a level that is irreplaceable. And I know that there are things that you must wish were different about this relationship or you wouldn't be ending it. I'm prepared to do everything in my power to work on things that I need to work on. If there is anything that is genuinely falls into my lap that I need to work on, I am willing to do that work because this relationship matters to me. If you want to make this work and you care about me and love me on the level that I do you, I trust that you'll give us a shot based on that. but if you genuinely don't want to fight for this

or don't even want to allow me to fight for this, then you must be right. This must be the wrong relationship. So I can't make you say yes to trying this again, but I can tell you what I'm willing to do and what I would love to do to make this work. And other than that, I'll be moving on unless you tell me otherwise. I think that's totally fair.

And it sounds confident to me. like let's be real here. People break up, they get back together, they get married, they're together forever. It happens. You know, it's not, sometimes people don't have the tools to express their needs and things like that. And a lot of times it is totally over forever. But when you still have a lot of love for somebody and there's work that could be done, I think that conversation is really important. And what keeps people up at night is the idea that, well, what if, it's the question. Could I have done this? What if I could have done something? So ask the person. Yeah. You tell me what it is because I'm willing to fight for this.

And I would love to know. But if you don't want to fight for us, I can't do it. Then I can't help us. But to me, that's a very confident way of saying that. I think people are very afraid to say that. Everybody is. You know, I said to somebody once, I'll change everything about myself to be with you for one more minute.

And that was somebody I was engaged to. But I think just in general, the way that you phrased it is very confidence. And there's no shame in saying, hey, I want to work on this. And I work on me. If you really don't think that that's the case, then, you know, I'm fine to walk away. too. And that sounds like you still hold the power, even though you're being super vulnerable.

And then just to tie it back in, I think you walk into that conversation knowing that the person could say there's nothing you can do. You have to. And then, but it's like, then you get to sleep at night. But that's the purpose. The purpose isn't getting them back. The purpose is sleep. Is to sleep at night. Yeah. I love that we wrapped it up like that. I wanted to say really quick. When we came in, you were talking about like full like life fulfillment type of. confidence and stuff like that? Was that kind of the inner confidence stuff you spoke about? Or are there other things that you tell people to achieve this? Look, I'm, I'm in a really interesting time in my life personally because I feel like I'm having an internal growth spurt right now. Like, I really do.

And there are plenty of years where I wouldn't have said that. You know, I got invited at the end of last year to go and do this crazy cold exposure ice retreat in Poland with a group of 10 guys, which was extraordinary and extraordinarily terrifying. We were like jumping off of cliffs into frozen lakes and spending 10 minutes in ice baths outside in sub-zero temperatures and climbing mountains. I was deeply, I was really afraid of it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do physically. And it was life-changing. And I realized, the reason I said yes to that, is because I needed to be shaken up. I needed something. I wanted something in my life that pushed me well outside my comfort zone that scared me. I'm used to doing things that scare me

that I'm good at. You know what I mean? We all like to say, I take lots of risks every day and I'm constantly putting myself on the line. But most of us take risks and put ourselves on the line still in areas where we know we kind of kill it. I mean, that's fair. It is. I mean, I think some people probably watch you walk on a stage and they're like, wow, what a risk. But you're like, but I know that I'm going to crush this. And even if I don't, I have your money anyways. Well, I certainly don't think that. But I do go into every situation like that and think,

I'm trained for, like, this is, like, an audience can come in thinking that they're going to, like, I joke, like, you guys can try and make me uncomfortable. But the truth is, you are. I don't feel afraid of being uncomfortable because I, this is home for me. Right. There are areas that aren't home for me. And going on this ice This cold exposure retreat,

I don't like the cold. I don't think I'm good in that environment. And not only that, but every guy I was doing it with was like a beast. You know, I was doing it with an ex-super Bowl winning champion. Navy SEALs, probably. Two-time Olympic gold medalist.

Yeah. A Navy SEAL. I know it. Can Ashley and I come out to dinner with you guys? Who are these people? Why are you keeping them from us? It's an amazing group. An amazing group.

Yeah. I'm going to masturbate to this tonight. Go watch my video. To be the only woman in Poland on a mountain with all these dudes. You know, I love the cold. Just running the train on you on this mountain. I love the cold. It's nature's air conditioning.

Go watch my videos on it on Instagram. You can watch 10 guys in a freezing cold tub. Actually, maybe I don't want to see that. So I did that. And I can't tell you, I'm going into my year this year. I want to live so much this year. I really do. Like I can't, I can't say it more.

I have so many things that I want to do with life right now. I have so many experiences I want to have. I'm doing a trip with Jesse Yitzler, a friend of mine who was with me in Poland on this ice retreat where he literally rents a mountain three times a year and you climb the mountain over, you have 36 hours to climb the mountain so many times that it's the equivalent of climbing Everest. And, you know, like that's going to be really tough. I'm not going to know anybody. I'm not, but I'm doing it because I just, I believe that everything good is going to come from

those different ways that I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do. He has a rule that every eight weeks, he takes a weekend to do something that he wouldn't normally do with a weekend, to do a trip, to do something, an experience that he wouldn't normally do with a weekend. And, you know, that's fascinating me right now. And I, I look at my life and I want it to be expansive. and I don't want to be the same person at the end of this year that I am at the beginning of this year. I want to just, I want to scare myself, I want to be uncomfortable, I want to grow, I want to take on new things, I want to meet new people, I want to, you, if you, I wouldn't have done, like, I don't think I did any podcast last year. I think I did one podcast last year,

like in the whole year. That's because I was just in a different phase. And now I'm like, everything's expansive and I want to meet new people, want to try new things. I want to come to your show and see your show and see what you. you're like I'm excited about that and it's that's my mindset right now and I'm I look around now I look at myself this is not in any way I'm not saying any of this to impress anybody else because I for a long time realized that even though I was doing difficult shit and even though I was working hard I was in a routine and I was comfortable and it was always the same thing and I wasn't stretching

myself and I believe that that gateway to creativity is through doing different things than you normally do. I believe that the gateway to more confidence is to do things that you don't necessarily associate with being good at, but you do them anyway and you stop caring about whether you get good at it. And I think that the recipe for getting ourselves out of the obsessive, over-analytical mindset that leads to us sitting at home on a sofa waiting for a text, which is if you think about it, the epitome of the issue is why am I sitting at home right now torturing myself because this person I really like isn't texting me. The question everyone should be asking themselves is what's happening in my life or what's not happening in my life that means right now I have the

time and emotional energy to dedicate to waiting for a text from somebody else. And I and the kind of life that I want to live for myself this year and I invite people to join me on that journey is one where I don't have time to sit around obsessing over the text. And by the way, for anyone, I'll say this now because it's a free training, but for anyone who actually wants something that they can do to continue that, I have a video that I put together which literally breaks down confidence and what people can do to build it. And it's at get core confidence.com. I love it. That's just, it's what it is. I had a friend that went through a terrible breakup. She felt like she was living in New York and she felt like she was just becoming this type of person she didn't want to be and she just climbed Kilimanjaro. She doesn't do active stuff. I mean, she goes to workout classes, but she's not an outdoorsy hiker and she was like, I'm going to do this thing. And I think that it doesn't have to be physical. But like, you see people that run a marathon and they cross the finish line and they're like, I never thought I could do this. And, you know, I've always been a sort of runner running a marathon. I could do it, I guess. It's not so out of my comfort zone. But for somebody, it's like the thing that they never dreamed they could do.

And for some people, it's trying stand up. Like, it's, I tell people, like, if you think you want to do stand up once, if you do it one time, even if you bomb, you are better for it. Like, you have checked this box of like the thing that people deem to be one of the scariest things in life. And so I love that you said this and you like wrapped it up perfectly with making this expansive life for yourself. So you're not staying at home waiting on text.

It's so true. Yeah. I think failure life with as much as you can. I went through a breakup. I didn't know what to do on Saturdays and Sundays. It was as simple as that. I was just like, this was our time together. I don't know what to do anymore.

Instead of sitting at home and crying, I signed up for a culinary school that was all day every Saturday and Sunday. And I met tons of people and I learned a skill. And like, it's really not my dream to be in like a classroom environment with a bunch of people, I don't know. But it filled the quiet in my life in a way that I was really proud of. And it got me out of the house more. And I just think that like, yeah, do those things that I'm never going to climb him out.

And that's just not for me. but, you know, do those things. I know that you're saying I should, but I'm not. No, no, no, I'm not. I think that's what's important is it's whatever is, you know what your thing is. Yeah. Like, no one needs to, I don't know, I'm not certainly not encouraging anyone, you know, when I've talked about this Poland trip that I did, I'm actually not saying to anyone,

you should go and do a trip like that. For sure. I think it's, whatever is your thing, you kind of know what it is. That's totally out of your company. You know what it is, yeah. For me, it'd probably be like going to surf camp because I'm like so bad at physical stuff. And I'm so embarrassed because I, like, want to be graceful and, like, put together. And it's like, nothing is more horrifying to watch than me skiing or surfing.

So, like, think about if you, every eight weeks, like, you picked your surfing by the end of the year, like, how dynamic of a person you would be. Like, I'm never going to go to surf camp either. But, I mean, maybe I will. I don't mean. I think I'm going to go to surf camp. I'm so inspired right now. I'm going to surf camp. We're going to Costa Rica.

I just think when you think about the end of your year, like, all the things you will have gained by just picking that thing. Just do it once. And like, we always say like a special after a breakup, say yes to everything. Just say it's the parties you never would have gone to, to events. I actually don't mind going to like, I'll go to stand up by myself all the time. Like I'll just watch it up by myself. I'll go to a concert by myself. I don't care.

But do those things. And then all of a sudden, you're just like a better person. 100%. And that list of things that you did that you never would have done if you'd have stayed in that relationship gets longer and longer and longer. And then you're this more dynamic person for the next person you date. Absolutely. And who doesn't want that.

this is great and like a beautiful way to wrap this up. I think that we definitely, I feel like so much of our audience can want to know where to find you, where to find your videos, your website, so if you could tell us where to find more of your work. I could give people a couple of links that would be fun for them. The first one for all of the deeper stuff we've talked about today, if you go to getcourconfidence.com, there'll be an entire free training on becoming a much more confident version of you

this year. If you want something lighter and more fun that's on the very practical side, I have a free guide that gives you nine specific text messages that you can send someone to create attraction. So that's at nine texts.com. If you go to nine texts.com, you can literally download that in the next five minutes. And you can use those, whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship. It's really awesome. And even if you don't think of them as text messages, but just amazing principles for how to create attraction, they're really, powerful. And then lastly, I'd say just come follow me on Instagram because I keep people up to date with everything going on. Watches those videos in bed, ladies. Yeah. And it's at Matthew Hussie.

At Matthew Hussie.com. At Matthew Hussie. At the Matthew Hussie. I follow you on Instagram. I just forgot. Okay, guys, well, we are going to say goodbye to Matthew. This has been so wonderful. And stick around. We'll be back. We're going to do another little fun, some little something. Yeah. Thanks for having Thank you. Okay. We're back. That was wonderful. He's so inspired. To get out of your zone. To get out of the zone. Okay, you guys, we got to tell you,

we're going to do this little segment about things that you've done that pushed you out of your comfort zone and pushed your boundaries. But we, when we did Charlotte, the comedy zone, we couldn't stop saying like, I couldn't stop. It was truly, how many shows, almost 70? It's one of my favorite things I've ever, like, a recurring bit that I'd done stage because we got on stage and their logo looks a little, spooky. And it was an

Halloween. It was in October and rain. It was like, do they always have that spooky logo? And I was like, that's just their logo. And then it turned into this whole like, we're in the zone. We're in the zone. All throughout the show in Charlotte. It was one of my favorite things. So now like every time we say the zone in our day to day life and in our friendship, it's the zone. The zone. What? It's so funny. Anyways, I hope you didn't have to be there for it. It was pretty

funny. So this segment is called getting out of your comfort zone. But we were very inspired by what Matthew has to say. We asked you guys on Instagram how you've gotten out of your zones. I'm just going to run through it. We put it on our Instagram story to leave your short responses. And then some of you guys emailed us. So we're going to go through a few of them. We got an overwhelming number of these.

A lot of them were similar. So we just want to shout out these really impressive, amazing things. So many you guys said you just moved to a country where you didn't speak the language. I saw I joined the Army. I joined the Navy. I joined the Air Force. I joined the Police Academy. me moved to China, moved to Israel, moved to Thailand, moved to Australia, like got a divorce,

left my partner after a decade, you know, all these really impressive things. I want to recognize all them. They were just, you know, there was a lot of the same, which was great. You guys are incredible. We're very inspired by it. And I mean, I always say, like, I don't, I don't know why anybody would say in a situation that they hate and you can always make your life better and change it. And I love that you guys are so dynamic and smart. So good for you. Yeah. All right. So we're going to run through a couple that stood out. All right. I'll start. Went to India for a three-week yoke. meditation retreat when I've never left the country.

That's crazy. India is not the first place that a non-traveller should go to. I have traveled the world. I have traveled. I've been to Cambodia alone. India would be a stretch. Never left the country. Never left the country.

Yeah. Like the first time I left the country, I went to London. Most people go to places where you speak the language to first world country. All the comforts of home are there. You go to the Caribbean on a cruise. Right. Maybe Greece is the most outside of your country. comfort zone, India, which, like, it's on my bucket list.

I'd love to go there. It wasn't the first thing I ever did outside of the country. I know. All right. This one's for Raina. She said, I signed up for a tough mutter. I've never run more than one mile outside before. Fuck no.

It's not for everybody, but I love stuff like that. We talked about with Matthew, like, if you're like, you know what? I'm going to fucking run a marathon. I'm going to train for it. I'm going to accomplish this thing. It's special. I actually think, like, when you're suffering or going through something, like, what a special thing to, like, set a real measuring.

attainable, attainable goal, and just go fucking do it. That's a crazy thing. A tough mutter is not for like week of heart. She's like, I've never exercised. Yeah. Okay, this girl, lots of anal. We got a lot of anal stuff. So good for your bravery.

She said, anal, just kidding. Taking a new job in a city where I know, no one, also anal. You guys. Was that your job in the new city? She's like, anal was actually part of the job. So many ones about anal. It's brave.

Oh my God. It's brave to do anal. And also just like, I mean, they say that like taking a new job is one of the most stressful things you could do in the entire world. Moving is one of those stressful things. To do those things together, I can't even imagine. I've never done it. Like, after college I moved here, but like who didn't move to a new city after college? That's not so brave.

This is crazy. Okay. I traveled alone when no one would commit to the trip and ended up living in Australia for four months. As you guys listen to this, we are in Australia. And Ashley's going to live there. And I live here now. I just love that. Like that is, it's so cool to be like, I want to go on this trip.

No one's committing. Fuck it. I'm going to go alone. And then you just stay. I think it's really brave. I think it's really sexy. I have really tested my boundaries in ways I like never thought I could buy those trips by myself because like you have to deal with packing and customs and visas and all kinds

stuff that you just have no help. And it's really brave to just get up and do it. And I love this idea of like not waiting for another person to come with you if you don't want to. Right. Who cares? Go. Um, okay. I'm afraid of heights, but devil's pool at Victoria Falls was a bucket list item. So empowering. Um, I think this is so brave because like a fear of heights really is like physically paralyzing. Yeah. And to, it's not like, you know, I'd want on a trip. I didn't know her like, you know, butt sacks. Like this is something that people like, like, black out from fear. Yeah. And I love that she was like, I did it. Just took the leap.

Um, yeah, to me, it's, it's one of those things of like, when you really think about it, I'm not really afraid of heights. Like, it's just kind of people. everybody's different. So like to me, I'm like, it's no big deal. But some people like to, to blow past like a crippling fear and just do it. Like you're so, you're a stronger person for it forever. Absolutely. I mean, if you know you really conquered something that your bodily, that your body physically will not let you do. Like I can't ride roller coasters. I won't do it. So, good for you, girl. This one I could never do. But big ups. Um, three day silent meditation retreat. Big for me because I don't stop talking all caps. Silence is so bright.

Can you imagine? Remember, didn't Emma Wilman come out to her mom on a meditation retreat where they weren't supposed to be talking? And she, like, whispered like, I'm gay to her mom. So she couldn't respond. I love it. I mean, it's not something I would do. But I mean, a lot of these things are things I would do. But they're all very brave to me. Not talking is really interesting. I'm going to go to Bali about myself and maybe I'll do yoga once. Oh, I thought it'll be brave. I can't big tree exercising. What if I come back from Bali? Like, you know, I'm trying to stop drinking. drinking also. What if I come back from Bali and I'm like a vegan that does yoga and meditates? Oh my God. We got to yoga together. The podcast is over. I'll embrace it.

This one really like, I mean, it just moves me very much. She said I came out to my conservative parents. I think that I feel very choked up by this and I know a lot of people that are in the closet experience this, but like how terrifying it is to live your truth and be true to yourself sexually and romantically when you know you could like genuinely be like disowned by your family. Yeah. And I think that's, very brave and I think that anybody obviously is in the closet can relate to it and I just I think it's a beautiful thing so good for you. Yeah, there was a couple, there was one I saw

that she said I had to tell my traditionally Asian parents that I was dating outside the race. Terrifying. Yeah. This one, skydiving and also butt stuff. At the same time. You know that you got someone's going to be on your back.

You just, you go the same time. You go full anal penetration and you jump out of that plane. I can't decide what would be more uncomfortable. The dick in my ass are falling from a plane. I feel like 100% the dick of my I think the dick in my ass would make me forget that I was falling from the plane. There it is. It cancels each other out. I think it's like when people are panicking, you hit them in the face. They forget about what they're panicking about. This is the hit in the face. But it's a smack in the

butthole. Um, okay. Um, I recorded myself doing more Instagram videos for my business account. So uncomfortable at first. I, you know, every Monday I like wake up and I talk to the camera about our shows and like it's really awkward for me. It's so uncomfortable. I hate it so much because I want to seem like authentic. But like it's not it's not normal to talk by yourself to a camera, but I want to promote our shows because I'm so proud of them. So I really relate to this because I think it's like really tough to do as well. But at the end of the day, it's not that tough for us is what we do. You know what I mean? Like for some people that are like so shy and have never done anything like this. Like I understand it. Like it's no big deal for me to just whip out the camera.

And I still get, I don't get nervous by any stretch, but I'll re-record some. stuff. I'll flub my words. I'll go back in. I'm like, oh, this is so annoying. This should be more natural sometimes and more easy. But I put this one in there because I just, some people would be like, whatever, that's not a big deal. But it really is for somebody. Like, you sit there and you have to psych yourself up to actually put yourself out there. It is truly being like vulnerable to some people. And it can be, they can be really scared. So I love that one. I think it's also really hard to like remind yourself, look pretty, act natural, smile, hype this up and still hit all the details that you want to hit.

I re-record my thing on Monday morning like three or four times sometimes because I'm like, I didn't hype the guest enough. I flubbed the point of this. Like I missed stuff we talked about. I re-record this and I do this all the time every week. But yeah, that's great. This one obviously a favorite. Bought a ticket to GGE for my birthday and I'm going alone, still going to drink and have a blast.

Going alone to anything like that. Like, you know, because it's a fun girl's I know. Like people, we love that you guys come along. Every girl that comes alone makes friends. Absolutely. And people come alone all the time. So come to our shows alone, please. But it is, it's a social type of event.

So it is kind of ballsy to go alone. You know, it's not like a sitting and a quiet reading where, I mean, it's a fun thing. Girls are there with their friends. So for you to show up alone, it's ballsy and it's brave and I love it so much. And so I don't know who this girl is, but happy birthday and we'll see you at the show. Yeah. And I also, it's the same thing as I think about people that eat at restaurants by themselves. It's like, it's so flattering that this experience, having this experience superseded

your need to be in your comfort zone. You wanted to be there so badly that it was enough for you to push yourself outside of that. And there's no shame in it. I go to comedy shows alone. I go to movies alone. I go to the museum alone the other day. Like, I do stuff alone all the time. I think it's great.

Okay. So then we have a couple emails. I'll kick it off. So I've always loved traveling and I was always intimidated to travel solo internationally. Last October, I was sitting at work, hungover, and hating my life. I bought a ticket to Costa Rica that would leave the following week. I had not requested days off for work yet and I did not speak Spanish. I left for Costa Rica for an entire week.

I loved it so much that at the end of the week, I called into work and asked for them to cover my shifts for the following week. I'm just now getting out of my negative PTO, then road trip from Costa Rica to Nicaragua and cross the border on foot. Oh my God. Talk about an intimidating moment.

I don't speak Spanish, and it's a developing country in my first international solo border crossing on foot. Best trip ever. I mean, I'm really so crying for all of you. I'm just, you know, I mean, you know I've traveled, alone a lot. And I feel like I have really pushed my boundaries to do stuff like this. And I've always taken trips last minute. And most people can't do that. And they don't have the money to do it at

the time. And I think it's really brave to do it in a place where you don't speak the language. And like if you fuck up, it's on you to fix it. And I just, I think it's beautiful that somebody says, like, I want to have this experience regardless. 100%. And like all those little things, every single challenge, every single time you push yourself out of your comfort zone and you feel uncomfortable and you work through it, you are a stronger, better person for it. Yeah. And now, like, I think I'm a better travel partner with my friends because I know how to travel and plan for stuff, and I'm not scared to do stuff alone. I'm proud of it. And I love that this girl did this. So good for you, girl. That's fucking awesome. I know. I love it. Okay. I love this one. At 28, I was overweight,

depressed and unsatisfied with my career and love life. I made a big decision to start changing my whole life so I didn't hit rock bottom at 30. I started by going to the gym and eating better. Then at 29, I decided to go back to school to get my law degree. Finally, two months after turning 30, I broke things off for good with my loser fuckboy X. I will be 32 when I finished my undergrad and 35 when I graduated law school. But I've never been happier with a decision in my life. It took being really sad about where I was to realize that I didn't have to stay in that place. I'm now completely single and focusing only on myself and I've never been happier. It is never too late to ask for and achieve the life you deserve. What? She's like, fuck it. I'm going to law

school. She's like Elle Woods. Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian's decided to be a lawyer at 35. There is nothing I respect more than somebody who's just like, I hate all this shit. I'm changing it. Yeah. I think it's so brave. Who the fuck goes back to school and they're 29? Who, I mean, that is also one of the hardest ages, by the way,

to break up with somebody because you're like, I'm on this precipice. Yes, exactly. Do I want to go into 30? Single and newly in school. This girl, though, I mean, that's so crazy. She's like, not happy with my body. Change it. This guy sucks. Dump him. I want to be a lawyer. I'm going to do it. I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's,

It's because it's just not like 35 is young. You're, you know, like not to you guys are 22. You think that sounds old as fuck. Life is long. Which is offensive to us, but no, I'm just like, it's just you can start over. Life is long. I know everybody loves to say like life is short, let me short, but life is long. Right.

You know, and like you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. 35, you're going to live for another 60 years. Yeah. Change it. Do something different. Great. I'm sure this next one will make me cry. All I do is cry.

As a black woman, my hair is supposed to be my glory. My hair owned me. I couldn't go out in the rain. I couldn't go swimming. I couldn't work out without having to think about my fucking hair. I was also single and didn't think guys would like a girl with no hair. So it also helped me back from freeing myself. So in 2016, I couldn't take it anymore.

And I cut it all off and started over with no hair. It was the most freeing thing I ever did. I can do what I want when I want and I never have to think about it. Reflecting on it now makes me feel so. sad because so much my identity was wrapped up in my hair. I just want women to know, especially black women who go through the same thing. I did to know that it is okay and for sure do what you want. But if you need the extra push, take it for me. Just do it. Happy Black History Month. I mean, I just love this so much. Like, you know, I can't relate as a white woman. You know,

like what the stress that your hair causes you, you know? And then, but you're like, but I need it because it's like what makes me feminine and pretty and guys won't like me. otherwise. And then for her to be like, fuck this. Like, you free yourself. Look at Marie Faustin. We had her on the podcast. I think that was probably part of it. She had a lot of hair. And I think part of it was just dealing with it. And she just shaved it off. I mean, I relate to this. You are so blessed with such great hair. But like my hair, I've had hair problems my whole life. It's probably because I've curly hair and it's straightened it every day for my whole life. But, you know, it's been thinning for the last like six or seven years. And like I feel like a lot of my

identity as a woman is like tied up into this and makes me feel less attractive and not want go on dates as much and bummed out all the time. And like, I've gotten hair extensions to make it better. But like, it's a lot of work and it's exhausting. And it makes me feel bad about myself. So like, I relate to this. Dewey's like, oh my face. You are like being so cute with him, Raina. What is happening? You look like a dog for wonderful lately. Being so sweet. Because I walked him that one time. No, it is. It's, it's, it's, there's a lot of like stuff about women and their hair and like, especially black women. And I, I love this that she was like, why did I do this sooner? you know.

Yeah. She feels free to her. Yeah. And I think that like, honestly men can't relate to this. But like I just think that it's like a beautiful thing to be like, fuck this. I'm not going to wake up every day and think about this.

Well, but men too, there's value in their hair. And I think that you see men start to lose their hair. And maybe it's they're holding on to that last little bit because they're like, women want a guy with hair. And then they finally are like, fuck it. I got,

I got a bick it. And that's probably freeing for them too. Um, okay. Last and final one. She writes, I was always a relatively quiet and. socially anxious person. A few years ago, I found out I'd failed a major exam that cost $3,200 to take. I needed to pass for my job. I was completely blindsided, depressed, and totally

hopeless about the year to come. I would dread going to work because I felt like I wouldn't be able to do the job much longer anyway if I didn't pass the test. I saw a Facebook ad for an improv workshop. I had always followed comedians, so I imagine it was targeted to me. Normally, I would never. I was never a performer as a child or adult, but felt like I needed something else to put my time and energy into since my job that I had already sacrificed so much for. I felt frustrating and futile. Futile? Every step of the way I didn't want to go. From leaving the house to walking into the room,

but I instantly fell in love. I took improv classes and eventually was cast on multiple teams and performed in shows that my family and friends could come and see and enjoy. It helped me experience joy, have a break from everything else going on, and really taught me how to roll with the punches. Three years later, I'm still doing it,

and I live with my boyfriend, a kind, smart, wonderful man who I met on my improv teams. God damn it. I often think back to that day and how badly I didn't want to go because it felt weird and different and what incredible new directions

my life took after. Oh yeah. And fuck. Oh yeah. And one year later, I passed my test. What? Girl, good for you.

I'm crying. I just, I mean, I know that everybody relates these things where you don't want to walk out the door and there's so many things I don't want to do all the time. and I never regret doing them once I do them. And there is things that I feel like paralyzed from fear.

I mean, I think about this show and it's two years old and I'd never walked on a stage before and like what is that going to be like? And the worst thing in the world is that you do it and you don't like it. It's a little embarrassing and you never do it again. But you're still better for it. Yeah, you are. And like we talk about like bombing at shows and being terrible on stage and like other comedians will tell you like go and do it and you're stronger for the bombs than you are for the success.

and I just think this is really a beautiful notion. I know. Congratulations. I want to plug something in Atlanta that I think is such a special thing. A friend of mine named Lace Larrabee, she is an incredible comedian. I knew her since I started doing comedy in Atlanta. She does this thing called Laugh Lab. And it is a stand-up class for just women.

So it's, I don't know how many weeks the courses is. But you guys can go to Laugh Lab comedy. And it's Laugh Lab comedy on Instagram. well and Lace Larrabee is her name but um it's incredible like look at this photo of all these women just like completing it and then they have like their graduation show so Kelly did it Kelly Knight did it I've known girls to do it I know one girl I remember she was interested in comedy she's a listener of ours and she took it and now she's performing clubs all over Atlanta so if you ever thought you wanted to not even if you care about being a comedian but you want to you think you're funny or you just

want to get better at public speaking this thing and God I feel like I don't even know if her classes are booked I'm sorry if she's full, but like check it out because I don't know anything like it in New York. I mean, there's comedy class and stuff, but just for women, by women, it's this really incredible thing. And everybody has such an amazing experience. And so, anyway, check that out. But it's like a safe space to start in. About a year and a half ago, you and I started performing. And I was like, I want to get better. Like, I want to be a better storyteller. And so I started going to the moth by myself. And if you guys don't know what the moth is, you can look it up on Instagram or their website. It's a storytelling series. And it's in a lot of cities.

and they have a podcast as well. But in New York, it's a space. It's usually some kind of like library or event space. And there's usually like about 100 people. And there's a theme every night and like eight people get up and tell a story and you vote on it. And it really does like strengthen your own storytelling if you can get on stage. But just watching people, I even help me where I was like, okay, I would have changed that like this. I would have paused in a different time.

I would have taken this out of the story. I remember we started the podcast. I thought like the way I tell stories, I include things that aren't important. I want to take different details out. I want to make this more dynamic. So I started to go out of that by myself. And that was a really like push myself outside of my comfort zone thing. I was glad I did.

Yeah. And things like that. I mean, like her course, for example, and others like it, you don't have to want to be a comedian in your life. It just,

it makes you a better conversationalist, public speaker at your job. You know, like so many of my girlfriends have, like I think about Kate, for example, like Kate's not a performer, but she has to get up in front of a bunch of people and talk,

you know, and she's like promoted and gotten raised it so many times because she's so good at it. She has comedic timing and people love her. And it's like a lot of that stuff that you get from classes and courses like that, toastmasters and shit like that are make you better in your day-to-day job. And people just want to be around you more. It just all ties in.

And then you're more confident, your inner confidence. And you're better with guys, dating it. All ties in together. So push yourself out of your zone. At your zone, guys. So whether that is, you know, taking a trip or changing jobs, moving cities, leaving a relationship, going to a class, going to an event, come into one of our shows.

Just congratulations to anybody who did any of this stuff. It's really beautiful. And hopefully we'll see you guys in the zone. We are planning another Charlotte show. We're not doing theirs. We've got to do the zone. Sorry, I can't talk about it enough. And speaking of that, guys, get tickets to our shows at girls got eapoddypodcast.com

or I literally don't care shows.com. Girls Gotty Podcast on Instagram, reina. org, dot Greenberg, Ash Hess, Girls underscore Got to Eat on Twitter, subscribe, rate review. And thanks for listening. Thanks, guys. week.