Girls Gotta Eat - Love, Sex, and Murder feat. Comedian Andrew Schulz

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

We got one of our favorite comedians, the inimitable and uncensored Andrew Schulz, to sit down with us, spill about his relationship (which he rarely does), and debate why women love murder. We also chat about DM slides, why men are getting better at pleasing women, butt stuff, double standards of plastic surgery, the current state/future of comedy, and more. Plus, Rayna shares her latest (and proven) pickup line, while Ashley is still in the thick of wedding season. We hope you enjoy! Follow Andrew on Instagram @AndrewSchulz and check his website for videos, tour dates, and more. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Check our website for tour dates and merch. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Feals: Become a member at feals.com/gge and get 50% off your first order + free shipping. Figs: Take 15% off your first order at wearfigs.com with code GGE. OpenFit: Get a special extended 30-day free trial membership when you text GGE to 303030. Lola: Get 30% off your first month's subscription at mylola.com, code GGE30. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You have your own job. You're making your own money. You have your own apartment. I better come through with some fucking dick. Right. Right? You know what I'm saying? Because I'm not giving you shelter.

I'm not giving you food. You got it all. Right? I better be charming and dicking. Right? The scene and the d. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to eat. Welcome back.

Do you want to give a weather report? The weather? It is raining. It is cold and raining. My favorite type of weather to be indoors. How would you guys? know what the weather was like last week if it wasn't for us. I saw a guy in Hinge that said pet peeves rain. And I was like, that's my guy. That's so funny to me. You don't really get it's under my skin.

Rain. Got a great episode today. We're recording this after recording with him. We are, his name is Andrew Scholes. Ashley, I feel like you're like choking back smiles and laughter. Do you want to talk about it? Listen, he's not available. This isn't like a romantic crush. This is like a comedy crush. It's a professional crush. Andrew, if you're listening. DM me, no, I'm kidding. We've been DMing.

I mean, not like that. You know, whatever. I was so excited to have him on. He is just a really hilarious and fresh, unique voice and comedy. And I don't agree with everything he says. So we're going to say that up top. But we, you know, we like to have different opinions on this. I'm always like, I don't agree, but I love him.

Everything he says, I just feel like he has like a hot take on things and he makes us laugh. So it is a hysterical episode. I hope you guys will really enjoy it. He's, yeah. I mean, a lot of people, his comedy, they're like, it's offensive. It's not for me.

I don't know if anybody says it's not for me. I think most people are like, it's offensive and it's fucking hilarious. Like I watched his comedy and I was like, oh, he's making a lot of racial jokes. And I was like, I don't want to like this. But I guess we always say it's funny if you make it funny and you're relatable. That's a whole other time.

I mean, one of the main things of comedy from forever is racial, racial stereotype. you know so but he's not we'll get into what we talked about this with him you know like rana said we already recorded but he kind of talks about how he does it a little bit differently it's not just like the old hacky tired racial white guy telling jokes black guy indian guy like it's not you know he does it a little bit differently and he's educated and he's really smart and he's tall and good looking and listen i just i don't like him like that yeah you sound like it all right anyway um okay this is uh

Oh, will you guys a little update we have released. Boston, Jesus Christ, you guys sold that theater out like eight hours. I love Boston girls. Animals. It was a day off. It was Columbus Day. Is that our quickest sellout ever? You know, we sold out by 5 p.m.

A theater of that size, yeah. And a day, which I don't know. We don't know all your guys listening habits, but it was a holiday. Most people weren't even at work. They were not in their normal routine. And you guys went fucking bonkers. So thank you so much. We love Boston.

We can't wait to be there again. So we've announced a second night in Boston at the Wilbur. So it'll be the night following. So it'll be January 25th and the 26th. This is Saturday and a Sunday. So travel, come to the show. We don't have any shows in that area for a long time. So come and travel.

And then D.C. as well. We released January 11th. We are releasing a second night, January 10th. Okay. This week, this is the 21st. So we are hitting the road for Charleston, Atlanta, and Charlotte. Can't wait to meet all you guys. But before that, we have a quick stop in Palm Springs.

If you guys, we're casual. You guys, it's on the way. Is it not? It's only a 15-hour round trip. So follow along. If you're listening to us on Monday, we're doing this really cool thing with Spotify. I don't know how much we can say. Whatever.

It's with Spotify. We love Spotify. Listen to us on Spotify. Can't say it enough. We're doing something with them. We're very honored that they invite us to Palm Springs casually before we go to the South East. For hundreds of people.

We're just doing the same thing. We're doing the same. Southeast and Palm Springs. Just, it's fine. I'm going to be fine. Who needs sleep? It'll be fine. We're fine.

And then after Charleston, I'm staying in Charleston with my college girlfriends. Why not? Jesus Christ. Do all you're young. Ashley, you're not that young. I know what you guys are thinking. I'm in your heads.

You were like, should we do it? I was like, we're young and able-bodied and energetic. And as I was writing, and I was like, I walk one block and I'm tired. All right. Well, I feel like that segues into able-bodied, because what happened yesterday, Okay. We were walking out the street and Ashley was doing the craziest stuff with her body.

I have never seen anyone do it. It was like some weird jive move with your knee, but you're on the phone. I couldn't make fun of you. What do you call that thing? I don't know. It was on the phone. Stop every two, so that Ashley could do like a Michael Jackson dance move. It was like I was watching her moonwalk, karate kicking. My knee locked up. Like it felt jammed. You know when you just felt like your knee is tight? I don't know. You guys probably don't. You're younger than me. You know, you feel like your knee is tight and you got to just like kick it out. No, I don't work out. It was every couple steps you like moonwalked. It was so weird. No, I kicked it out. Beautiful girl rides up. She's like, I'm a long time listener. I love your show.

And I'm like, of course, this is how somebody sees you. I had been sitting wrong while we were in my apartment and we left and I was, I had not just worked out. I was going to a workout. It wasn't like a workout thing. And I had to take a call. I mean, on behalf of us, I wasn't like being rude. You were there.

It was a call for both of us. And we're walking on the street. We've gone two blocks and every few steps I'd have to stop and just kick my leg out. And I see this girl coming up in my peripheral. And I'm like, God damn it. It's a listener that recognizes us. And I just did like three kicks into the air.

Like left right behind. Like it was so, I've never seen a body move like that before. I was like, of course, this is one of you guys. approaches us on the street. And you're like, oh my God, you're so excited to meet us. We're also in like the deepest, darkest place. We're just like had a bad couple hours.

Yeah, it was, it was not ideal. I just out here kicking. But then I feel like I did make up for it. And we want to talk about this more on the podcast and the intros when we see you guys and you come up to us on the street. We love it so much. I mean, for now. Keep coming. We saw that cute girl also this morning in the financial district. Yeah. But then I was like kind of, I don't mean, I was embarrassed, but it was just funny that this girl saw me like kicking out my locked out. on the street and then went to flywheel.

It was walking back. And I had not washed my hair in a week. And then I had just gone to a workout class. So I like doubled down on the grease. I mean, I look like something that came out of a gutter. Like, I look like someone drug me out of a gutter. And I'm walking. And who do I see?

But the most beautiful man, we've ever had the pleasure to know. Ever. Dale Moss. If you guys don't know him, he's an ex-NFL player and now model. Literally a model. Like for Express. see him like on express posters. Like he's probably in Times Square.

We had him on the podcast early on. One of our first, we talked about like interracial dating and things like that. I forget the episode. Oh, still not a player. Oh yeah. The episode's called still not a player.

Dale Moss. And I'm like, God damn it. And I'm like, hey, like I pass right by and we saw each other. I'm like, I can't believe this is happening. I've never looked so bad.

I haven't seen him in like months. Yeah, but like that's the rules. Like you can only see him when you look like that. I know. But then what I was getting at was then another list. came up while I was talking to him. It was like, hi, oh my God, I love the podcast, which, like,

I feel like was my redemption from that girl seeing me, like, kick out my knee. If you guys ever see me out of date, please come up to me. You're not bothering me. Yes. At that time I went a date, that girl made me, made my date take the picture of being her. It's such a flex. On a first date. I like it. He really liked me.

He really liked you. No. That was my back-to-back, embarrassing and exciting listener run-ins. Well, I had some. So this is week two of being on the show. streets. Okay. I promised you guys I'd go on dating apps and hit them hard. Haven't done it. Hit the streets instead. I really was out there this weekend. I kind of like this though. I like that you just made a commitment to be out there more. It doesn't have to be in the apps. That's not your style. But I feel like you committed to dating, meeting more people regardless. And then I feel like in your head you were like, I do not want to do this app stuff. And you were like, I'm out. I'm going out. I'm going out. I went out every single night this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I went to, I was New York City Wine and Food Festival this weekend. So I got a pass. I got a pass. I'm from our friend Jeremy, who was one of our earlier episodes as well. And we went to a bunch of events.

I said yes to every single one of them. I met a ton of you guys, a ton of you listeners. Thank you for saying hi. I'm sorry. Ashley wasn't with me. She was away. But I've decided my new line. I've crafted a new line that I've been using and it's been working.

So like when you are making eyes with a guy across the room, I just walk up and say hi, I think you're cute. But there's a finesse to it. Okay. You have to have had one drink, but not more. Okay. Okay, because you can't be slurry. Because when you walk up to a guy and you're like, hi, you're cute.

That means I'm going to suck your dick right here. All right. Can you feel like they think that regardless. Yeah, but one drink, they're like, I got to work for it. She's probably going to do it, but I'll work a little bit. But I was at this party and I saw this guy across the room and we were like making eyes at each other. And I just walked up and I was like, hey, you're kind of cute. And if you say it like it's a question, like you're surprised.

I think it's like kind of neggy in like a cute way. It's not like, hey, you're hot. I would hate it if a man did that to me. I know. Conversely. I know. But I like saw, well, he was looking at me across the room. If a guy walked up to me and said, hey, you're kind of cute, question mark.

I would be like, literally fuck yourself. I did it cute. It was cute. He was making eyes at me. And I was just like, you're kind of cute. And he was like, you are too. So you get the compliment back. That's great.

We talked for a long time. Exchange phone numbers. It was great. Yeah. I went out with them last night. You went out with them last night. It worked out. I got like really bold with this guy though.

You are fully taking control of this situation. You approached him. You basically, well, you tell the story. It's your story. That's it. I mean, I approached him. We had a nice time. We like hung out at this event for like 20 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever.

It was fun. And then we exchanged like a couple texts over four or five days. And I think that like I used to get really hung up on like, this person hasn't asked me out yet. And when it's like I needed it to happen tomorrow. Like he told me the next day it's great to me. I look forward to seeing you again. So I knew like his intention was to see me again.

I didn't need him to ask me out that day. Yeah. We texted a little bit and he was funny. So when he was last night, I was having a bad night. And I was like, I'm just going to text this guy. And I was like, hey, are you free in 30 minutes to meet me? And he said, yeah. I mean, how, I just, in what, like, it's the stars aligned for you.

Who is just not busy and available to meet somebody within the hour? Yeah. What time did you send the text? 6.30? I figured he was like getting out with him. This is a success story in New York. city. Or in any city.

I figured it was a good time. He was getting off of work. If he didn't have plans, like, why not? Like, why wouldn't he come meet me? Yeah. I knew that he, like, his intention was to come. It was great. Made out all night.

It was a great night. You had a great night. I had a great night. I actually texted me this morning. She's like, had a really bad night. I was like, I got in the car. I was like, I had a really good night. I did a thing.

I really fun on a black ops mission. I didn't tell you. I know. Yeah, I was proud of it. And I just felt like, if he doesn't text me back, fine. I'll order Chinese food and I'll hang out and I'll enjoy my life. Right. I mean, I also just, you had been messaging with him.

He wasn't, I mean, I guess you never know what could happen. But I don't think there was really the risk of him just straight up not replying or rejecting you. Like if anything, he was just going to be busy. And then you might have just forgotten about it. He would have asked you out for a time when he wasn't busy or that would have been it. And that's fine. I wouldn't have cared. I think if he just didn't respond.

Then I'd just be like, all right, noted. Right. That's what you're like and that's fine. Yeah. We're not out here getting upset by guys anymore. It's 2019. 100% hashtag unbothered. Absolutely.

I was, 20 minutes went by and I was like, he's not going to text me back. And it's fine. I genuinely don't. I turned on succession. Great show on HBO. And, yeah, then he texted me back and I threw on some clothes and I went out and met him. I love this.

I had a good night, but I also feel like I don't really care what happens next. Maybe I'll see him. Maybe I won't. I mean, he asked me to see him again. So maybe I will. And yeah. All right.

Here's what happened. He asked you to see him again tonight, which is a huge mistake. And I'm glad you're not, first of all, it's raining, so I know you're not going to leave and do anything. So I feel good about that. But I think it's good to like leave him wanting a little bit more and not fall into this like, let's hang out every single night. And then I mean, again, this is just based on what I've seen. I see sometimes when guys get into this like, let's hang out. Like they are, they are interested

in you. They want to fuck you. They think the way to do that is just like, let's hang out tomorrow. And then let's hang out the next night. And then they fuck you. And they're like, that was fun. That was a cool relationship. Were we talking about this on the podcast? The girl was like I was dating. I saw some guy like every day for like 11 days. Right? I don't think so.

Somebody emailed us about this. I saw him for like 11 days and all of a sudden he was like this has gone too far. Like it's just too. He like started being like weird and backing off. And I think it's because like the guy has like lived the whole relationship with you. Yeah. And I don't want to shame people for doing what feels good. Like in my mind, I'm like I would have felt like he wanted to go see this movie.

And I was like, all right. Like that would feel good. But like you don't have. There's no rush. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. This is a whole other topic, but I mean, I had a relationship where we went out for the first time on a Thursday, day date, and then spent the whole weekend together. And then we just don't know.

I just think we always say there's no harm in waiting. Right. There's no harm waiting a day. Yeah, a day. So you're not going out with him tonight. Well, because it's raining. It's raining. There's your weather report.

It's hot. He's cute. I know. I know he's cute. So you guys made out. Good kisser? A lot of making out. Yeah, great kisser.

Good. I don't know what to say about it. Braina's got a crush. Yeah, so I'm out there in the streets, and I appreciate what you said about, like, yes, I did. I made a commitment to, like, go out and meet guys. And so, like, I guess I'm, apps maybe aren't for me, but, like, I've gone out a lot.

And I'm doing stuff that I enjoy. I'm most of my friends. Like, I'm not going to events alone. Yeah. So I did stuff every day and just went out. I'm out in the world. Yeah, and it's really, it's, the weather's great. It's easy in the, in the summer and the winter to, like,

sometimes you're so hot, you're so exhausted from the day. in the winter, it's cold, it's nasty out. Like, this is the time. Like, this is the time to get off the couch and to not get into this. Like, no, I'm just going to stay in and watch Netflix. Like, this is your time. Yeah, because I'm going to light the winter on fire. I'm not doing anything.

Yeah. Forget it. I hope this guy knows that he's not going to see you past November. I mean, he can if he wants to come live in my home. Oh, right. He'll just come to you. Yeah. Well, you were out on the streets.

I had another wedding. Can we have a buck update? A buck date. It's funny because one of you guys come, on my Instagram, you go to more weddings than anybody I know. I'm like, I don't. I mean, I just back to back to back. It just seemed like a lot. What was the one last one you were at before that in Miami this year? So I had three this year. It was a while ago. Which is in February. Right, February. Yeah. So which I'm kind of past the wedding years. Like all my friends, there was

times when I was having a ton of weddings when I was like in my mid-20s, all my college girlfriends were getting married and stuff like that. You kind of have a surge and then you feel like you have a break and then weirdly a surge again. Yeah. People are going to start getting divorced. And we're going to go to divorce parties over then. next five years and new weddings. Yeah, and the new wedding, second weddings. I'm going to every wedding. I'm here for, invite me to your weddings, guys. I just, I'll come to all of them. Okay. I am so down for an open bar and a band. And a dress. I'm just like loving, like, using all these fancy dresses. It's such an good opportunity to get dressed up. I love it. I love getting dressed up.

My cousin Lindsay, she married a guy named Buck. It was great. It was just great to spend time with my family. I haven't, I don't know the last time I did, I was like just at a wedding with like my immediate family. I mean, my brother was girl. girlfriend was there, but my mom, my dad, my brother. Like, we also said as a family, we were like, this is just really nice because we don't really do this except for family vacations and then holidays and there's other people around and there's stuff to do. Like, it was just nice to have like a family weekend.

It was nice that this wedding brought us all together. I'm sad. And she's great. It was fine. We just wanted to meet a family, you know. Well, I was invited. I know you were invited. I got an invite.

I am immediate family. So someone DM'd and said, these people need to start giving you plus ones to the wedding for Raina. And I was like, they did. First of all, I had plus ones to both of these weddings. Second of all, Raina was invited separately to this wedding. Like, you got your own invitation to my cousin's wedding. Yeah, just because I love your family so much. I can't say enough good things about them. And Buck. It was good. I did a little keep-a-chuffle. So Buck did do the garter to Pony. Thank God. And did you film it? I filmed it. It was on my Instagram story. Someone slid to my DMs and was like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling so awkward at the beginning.

And then she was like, and now I'm turned on. Like, he put his head up her dress. Like, he did the thing. That's how you feel about Buck when you meet him. You're like, is this? Oh, he's high. Yeah. Buck Fox.

They had a five-minute ceremony. Nailed it. Cannot hype that up enough. Her maid of honor speech was great. Oh my God. Raina, I didn't tell you this. This is so funny. Oh, my God.

I'm so excited to tell you this. Okay. So Lindsay has a best friend. again, I'm her cousin, but she has another best friend. You know, her best friend, the speech was great. She was with Lindsay the day. She met Buck. It was great.

The Buck's brother did the best man speech. What is about to happen? And he, it was great, but he just seemed nervous and he flubbed a couple words. Like, he says him about being like the looking best brother, like meant to say best looking brother. Like he just got his words jumbled a little bit. And he started to get choked up. and he is another brother that is in the military.

Thank you for your service to that brother. I think he's in Somali right now. So he was saying we have another brother that's serving right now in the military and he started to get choked up. And he goes, kid you not. He goes, I didn't even get this coked up at his wedding. I said choked up.

Oh. I thought he just admitted to the whole room. I was choked that he was on. That was why I prefaced it by saying he kept flubbing his words. So he was like, he's like choking up crying. He goes, I didn't even get this coked up at his wedding. And I was like waiting for him to correct himself and he just never did.

I thought you meant he just accidentally admitted how much coke he did at that wedding. I would do that. Like I was waiting for him to be like, are we going to go back to the, did you, you meant to say choked? Or not. No, maybe he meant coked up and he just kept going. He was like, you know what? I didn't mean to say. It's on the table.

I didn't need to say that, but it's true. So I'm just going to keep it. This is amazing. I'm so glad you told me this. Who's not out here being coked up at their brother's wedding? You know what? I guess I've done coke twice in my life. Am I saying this? The first time was at a wedding. At like 30, 31. Everybody's on drugs.

Like I wasn't, I just, I've never been really into big, big into drugs. I never wanted to do cocaine or anything like that. And I was one time at a wedding and I was just like, why not? All my friends are doing it. So people are doing coke at weddings. This is like a hot tag. People are doing coke at weddings. Well, I didn't know this.

What do you think people do at weddings? Drink from the open bar. And then do coke. I've been to so many weddings. People aren't doing coke at weddings. They just didn't invite you. Everyone's doing coke at weddings. What?

Don't DM us about this, but I'm right. Guys do not DM us. But I'm right. We don't want a bunch of drug DMs. It is a snowstorm in the bathroom at weddings. Okay. You're Pittsburgh weddings. Yeah.

Pittsburgh weddings. We fuck. Okay. Pittsburgh fucks. New York weddings too. Got better Coke in New York. Okay, guys, you're on DMUs. I know everybody's like, I got to tell them about the time I did.

We believe that you did. I know. It's a snowstorm. I got it. It's blizzarding. Also, if you guys want to try Coke for the first storm. I'm kidding. Do it at a wedding.

Can't recommend it enough. The day, during the speech. The first time I did coke at a wedding, I did run a 5K that morning. So I felt like I was being healthy. Yeah. I did it with a friend I ran the race,

but I felt like we were like healthy friends. Hashtag self-care. Exactly. Oh my God. Okay. This intro was supposed to be... I don't know if the advertisers are going to like this. They know what they signed up for.

All right, guys. Well, I think that's about it. That's about it. That's our week. We're hitting the road and we can't wait to see you guys. Oh, my God. I cannot wait. Atlanta's this week.

Charleston, Charlotte. We can't wait to see you guys so much. So excited. We love you guys. Oh, by the way, if you're coming to the shows, please send us emails with, Is This Weird? This took a turn.

Just funny dating stories and put in the subject line, which city and which. show you are coming to. Yes, very important. Doesn't just anything that's wild and crazy. Sent it to us, let us know, especially this week, Atlanta, Charleston, Charlotte. We'll see you there. All right. Raina hit it. All right, guys. We are really excited today in the House studio with us and Dewey, who is, laying on the floor like such a cute little angel. Andrew? Andrew's laying on the floor. Andrew's also on the floor. He is a hysterical comedian. We are huge fans of his. He is two podcasts, brilliant idiots, and flagrant too. He just told me he,

is the most viewed comedian in the world. You didn't have to say I said it. Right. I know what I know it. How I want to be introduced. And I'm thinking of something like mysterious and sexy that's kind of like, you know, like get people's curiosity going. So they go out there and search.

Self-proclaimed most comedian. First of all, let me explain what a bitch Raina is. She goes, what do you, what do you want? What do you want me to say? I'm like, just say nothing. It doesn't matter. She's like, are you sure? I'm like, all right.

If I can say I'm the most viewed comedian in the world, she goes, why? Because I am. And she goes, oh. I didn't say why. She just said, as he said, he's the most viewed comedian in the world. Right. You are at the whole point of you saying my credits is so I don't look like a douchebag.

But if you say these are the things I asked to say about myself, then I'm a douchebag. Start it over. What if the host at a comedy club? What if the host went up that your next act asks me to say. this. You've seen him on HBO's crashing. You've seen him on Comedy Central. You've seen him on

the degenerate. Also, he's done all of that stuff, guys. He's actually plugged his own next guest. He asked me to say this. Right? Clearly, the guest asked, but there's like a little fucking camaraderie that you're supposed to have with the guest. I walked in here. I'm almost bitten by a

giant dog. This dog hasn't moved since I've been here. When I got here, the energy was completely different. Yeah. Well, you know, he's protective. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to keep that. Where do we go from here?

Sexy intro. He's very sexy. He's wearing checkered shoes and he's extremely tall. How tall are you? Six, two. Yeah, it's not extremely. No offense. I wouldn't say it. Not extremely tall.

I thought you were taller than that. You have big, big leg energy. Big leg energy. You have long legs. Long legs. All legs. Teeny, tiny torso. Teeny tiny torso.

You're just here to get made fun of a beginning. We roast you up top. How big shape we are. The way that you're shaped is what you expect other people to be shaped. Okay. You know, like, so for me, if I see girls with, like, short legs, I'm like, but, you know, what's up with you? Like, you know, it doesn't make sense.

I'm like, you're supposed to be all legs and no torso. Why don't you look like me? Yeah. I'm five feet tall. Yeah, but it's all about. It's probably the length of your arm. Okay, here's a thing. It's about the, what is it called?

Proportions. Yes. It's all about proportions. So you guys. can be five feet if like four feet of his leg. Yeah, I think your legs are long for your height. Everybody's always told me that. Anyways, let's talk more about you. You have a girlfriend. I do. I got a girlfriend. How long have you guys been together? I think we've been together. We like decided on a day because we didn't have an exact day.

I love this. Okay. So like we first, we went our first date. Technically it was like the day before New Year's Eve, but like we met New Year's Eve. It was after midnight. And, but then we like made it official. I think we shows a random date like April 1st or April 17th or something like that. Oh, okay. And you said she, tell us how you met. She slid in the DMs. But after you met in person. No. She saw me on a dating app, Raya.

Oh. But then why did it take so long to? I just never saw her picture. I don't know why that was. We got to back up. Yeah. Because you guys met on years. No, we never.

Okay. So this is prior to that, she'd see me on Raya. Okay. She went and like followed on Instagram. Okay. Sometimes do you guys do that? You're like like, like, let me find him on social. Yeah.

It feels creepy to me. I don't know if you guys know. I'm the most few comedians in the world. So it's a little different for me. It's a little different for me. You told us. Yeah, okay. Did I mention that?

Oh, my bad. Wait, Andrew, when you were counting your views, were you counting Raya views? Only on certain picks. Wait, what was your Raya song, by the way? The best. The best. Mariah Carey, only through my baby. Like, you already like the page.

It's done. My favorite song. Like, literally I had a crush in seventh grade. I nailed it. See? I cheered for the basketball. I was a basketball cheerleader. Robbie Garcia, number 23, obviously, Jordan.

And I loved him and I would sit at home of my room and play that song and think about him. He did not know why existed. And I was a cheerleader for his team. Didn't know who I was. And I was like, he'll always be my baby. Do do do. Down. Do do do do do do do do do.

Do do do. Do do do. Hey. Okay. You really hit that. You didn't fake sing like you actually went for it. At our live show, she sings too.

Oh, you know. I mean, I sang in my high school graduation. You did everything in high school, except Robert Garcia. Guys, you can see more of that in all the views and everything.

Oh my God. Okay. We got to have the whole story. She saw you and Raya and followed you on Instagram. Listen, I would have loved if we connected on, right. It wasn't up to me. It's not like I wasn't liking her thing.

Yeah. She's fucking gorgeous. Yeah. You know, and it just never linked for whatever reason. So then she just slid in the DMs and she ended up coming to a show at the cellar and we like spoke for a little bit. And then I don't know if I, I don't know if I didn't recognize her as the girl that slid or whatever. But she like, she said hello again. But you said come to the cellar or she just appear?

No, she's like, I'm going to the cellar. So you're dating your stalker. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Okay. So it worked for her. Yeah.

Ladies, we can't guarantee this will work for you, but you could work for you if you're like. If you're that hot. If you're hot. And then you're like funny about it too. Like humor cuts everything. Yeah. Self deprecating. Also confidence.

Yeah, everybody's attracted to confidence. And I like, yeah. I mean, I guess stalking is fine if you tell a joke. It was not. It was not in any way stalking. And this girl does not have a stalking. It was just confidence. She knew what she wanted and she wanted.

And like she believed in herself enough. Like this is what the messages were like. She didn't say this. But what was coming across was, yo, get it together, yo. Like what's wrong with you?

Like, like, I'm messaging you. So figure it out. Like, have you seen what I look like. I've spoken to her about it. And I've spoken to her about it.

And she literally went, yeah, you just must not have known as me. And I was like, why do you say that? Well, because like, you would have immediately message me.

Right. Exactly. This is cool. You're like confident. You're a boss about it. That's what you would hope guys want. Like I don't, there's,

I think sometimes there's a disconnect between what men say they want and what they actually enjoy. Not every guy wants this. Totally. This is something I like, but I also like, I come from like a lineage of strong women.

Right. So that's attractive to me. If you come from like docile women, you'll probably expect that. This is totally true. We didn't say that about you. You're from New York City. Yeah, like my mom had a business, you know, and my dad worked for my mom's business.

Like, they ran together, but it was the Sandra Cameron, you know, a dance center. They were the dance tool. So it was just like, I never was like surprised by like women being alpha or like women going for things or that kind of stuff like that. Almost to the point where like I'm surprised when people are surprised. I want to say something about what you said because I like want to give credit to some women. I think we get a lot of message from women and they're like, I'm worried that I'm too much.

I'm worried that I'm too confident or too successful or too bold. And I think that like it's not that you're too much at all. There are people that will love those things. And like you're somebody that likes that. And somebody who thinks that's too much. That's just not your person. And I think that's a great message to a lot of women that like are just like, are men intimidated by my success or my height or my boldness.

No, some guys are. That's not your person. Some are. Right. But yes, some are. Look, I'm very fucking picky. I'm 35 years old. I'm successful.

I'm relatively tall and I'm good looking. I should be married with kids if I, but I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to be. Right. So, and this could be because my parents had like a really great marriage or still married today.

So my expectation of marriage was like. Oh, it's fucked me up. Unrealistic expectations. My parents, 42 years, perfect, still in love. I'm like, God, I'm fucked. Of course you're single. Are you single? I don't know if you're single.

Okay, so of course you're single, right? Because it's like the second you start to be miserable with someone, you're like, no, no, that's not a relationship. My folks got their shit down. So I went through the same thing. So with my girl, it was like, now listen, I'm not going to say where we're going in the future. I hope that's where it goes. That's where I see it.

I wouldn't say, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend if I didn't see us eventually doing those things. Especially at 35. You're not, you know, 18 anymore. Yeah. You know, so, but it's really a testament to her in a lot of ways because it's like, if I sense that I wasn't into it or this wasn't going anywhere, I just wouldn't be in it. So I'm curious about your last relationships and like how you knew, like, wanted to cut the cord.

You know what started to happen? You start to get older and you start to get older and then you realize that like time is precious for women. So the second I felt like it wasn't going in the right direction, I would stop it. This is more for dating. So if I'm dating a girl, she's 30, right? And I could easily string this along and we could, you know, fuck for a little while and hang out. But we're not boyfriend and a girlfriend, but she's hoping it's going to be that.

But she's scared to put pressure on me because I'm going to run away, this kind of shit. The second I noticed I would have a very, what I thought was always like the most intimidating conversation to have with a girl where I would like really hurt their feelings. And most guys don't want to hurt a girl's feelings. Oh, we've done tons of episodes on this. Right. So it's like, what I realized is crazy is when I would go, this isn't going the way I want, to go, I don't want to waste your time. I would think a girl would be so upset at me after saying

that. Literally every time I said that to a girl, they're like, yo, thank you. Because what happens is these guys just like, they just are like pussy around for months. And then they blindside this girl with a breakup when they've known they wanted to be not be with her for months. And you know what? The girl knew the whole time. And every day she's lying to herself. She's going, oh no, he does like me. That's just me being crazy. That's just me being paranoid. That's just me being crazy. And And the reason why they're so fucking pissed in that moment is because they didn't trust themselves. They're like, I knew he didn't fucking like me. We always know.

Yeah. And then you dial it back. Girls come out and they're like, I would incite him. We're like, well, how were the last few months? Well, I did kind of think that this and this and this. And then they actually start to be like, I knew. He didn't have my name in his phone. Yeah.

And we think, we think we see a lot of guys that they know they don't want to be with this girl and they don't have the balls to do what you do. And then they just wait for a fight. And then they some, the girl thinks it's her fault. and it's a whole mess. Like, it's like such a vacation, a birthday, an engagement. Yeah. Like, we know people who's engaged with us got called off.

My fiance left me. And I, in the moment, I was like, so blindsided. I would have told you I never saw this coming. Looking back, it's like, of course he was going to end this. I should have ended it. Like, yes, I think that like having, whatever, it's not a hot takes. Everybody on earth is like, yeah, somebody should have had the conversation with me. But we don't know that.

We really don't know that. And it took me fucking years of dating to get there. And to like build up the courage. Like I was a fucking coward early on with relationships. Yeah. Just don't want to hurt somebody. It's fun. Everybody enjoys that.

You don't want to fucking hurt. Ashley and I were talking about this on the show a couple weeks. So you'd be a sociopath if you enjoyed those conversations. Right. Like I had to call this guy and I was like, I like stumbled through it. And Raina was like, yeah, because it sucks. It sucks, dude. It sucks.

But in the long run, it's better for everybody. Of course. Nobody wants their time being wasted. And like we, that's, we like, we like, we like. like that you said that and we're not just trying to like circle jerk here. But like it's when you tell somebody I don't want to waste your time, I think that they risk cannot not respect that. Dude, women respect that shit. But guys, we don't have the same time, you know, constraints. They're like, I could just fuck you a couple more months. The sex is good. You're hot. I don't want

to marry you, but why not? And it's a shame. How do you think women should suss out? Like, how do you know what? It's really tricky because I'm not going to sit here and go, you know, tell him exactly what you want because that's a lie. Like with me and my girl, I knew, like, I knew I needed patience. And I was just like, just please trust me. The second I feel like it's not going the right direction, I will tell you, I won't waste a second of your time. I love that.

But I'm not ready to be like committed locked down to this. I know myself, right? If I'm responsible for you, it's going to put a pressure on me. that might make me push you away, right? And that's just me personally. That's not every guy, but that's me personally. I'm sure there's other guys like this. Also your career is a little different than other people.

Yeah, maybe. But like, for me, it was about getting used to that because once we're together, I'm responsible for you emotionally. Now, you're responsible for yourself and I'm responsible myself, blah, blah, blah. But once you're with somebody, your actions affect them. And you've got to make sure that you want your actions. Totally. So like, my girl didn't notice, but like for like two weeks,

she was my girlfriend without me saying anything. But that was me seeing if I was ready for it. So like I was like, okay, she's my girlfriend now. And I'm acting like she's my girlfriend. Everything is she's my girlfriend. It was my trial run. I was like, how do I feel? You know what I'm saying?

Like, how do I feel? Am I like running away? Am I feeling pressure or whatever? And in that couple weeks, it was like I grew closer to her, right? So I was like, okay, this is the right thing. And then I just asked her probably in the worst fucking way. I just bumbled it. Dude, every step I've bumbled.

Wait. Oh, every step. I love you. I bumbled. I've bumbled every step of the fucking way. Dude, it is so bad. I could be good. I deliver for a living.

This is what I go on stage and I set this shit up and I fucking slam it home. And I fucking bumbled. Tell me how, tell us how you asked her to be your girlfriend. I love this stuff. It's always awkward. in her kitchen and I was like, I kind of like said it like kind of joking and she didn't pick up on it and I'm like, oh, fuck. So now I got to like say this declaratively.

So then we're like on the couch and she said something. I was like, yeah, but you know you are my girlfriend. She's like since when? I was like when I said in the thing. And she's like, oh, what the fuck? Like it's literally like I got on one knee and I dropped the ring in the fucking like sewer drink. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's like and the same thing with the I love you. Like there was like perfect moments. we were like hiking and I was like oh this is fucking hacky that's your other comic thing in me but it's like I can't do something that everybody else is done so I was like I can't ask her at the fucking top of the hike what is a waterfall also the waterfall is super underwhelming fuck new pulse we went up to new balls to see a goddamn waterfall it was it was literally like a leaked faucet like it was it was like drips oh no so it's like well I can't ask here

right right because this is going to be a metaphor for our relationship it was like can't write jokes about this absolutely not so we went back and then we're in a fucking car and I was like do I say it in the car and the shitty thing is like she's driving because I'm such a bad driver so I can't be like, babe I love you, watch out of!

She's driving. She's an alpha thing. She drives it off the road. Yeah, exactly right? So I'm like worried about that. And then I never talk about my girl. This is like big that I'm having even saying this. Thank you for doing this.

Yeah. Not that I'm not proud of her. but like I don't like people knowing her. We 100% get it. A lot of people say that to us. You have a rabid fan base. Like we've talked about this with Francis who when he was with Barstall, he was like, I would never put my girlfriend on my Instagram. People will just, I don't want them digging around in her life. It's like firm respect for her. 100%. And like, thank God she doesn't care about that shit. Like she doesn't care about

Instagram. She's private. Like I don't think I know we have to do it for our careers, but I wouldn't want to date a girl that like needs that. No. I mean, my dude this summer like came to a couple of our shows. People went wild. I don't want to know what people would do. on the internet to him. I know. I'm so scared. And it adds in the pressure, like people DM,

like they really want to sabotage you. They're in there. Like, it adds another pressure to your relationship, right? Like, it doesn't need to be there.

Relationships are already difficult. You know, you're already dealing with fucking the fact that I'm traveling all the time, the fact that, you know, she has her things with her jobs,

you know, her struggles, her goals, her aspirations, like there's already things that are tricky in a relationship. Why would I add

half a million people having an opinion. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I don't subscribe to that thing that like you have to give everything. I give so much. For sure. So much and I'm very grateful for everybody who's support and everything like that.

But like you need to hold something. You need to have something here that's just yours. And it's not your job. Our job is to talk about our personal lives. That's not your job. Like you're a comedian. Like you have a kind of a different, well you do you owe nobody nothing about your relationship.

I totally understand that. I do talk about it a little bit, but like... You're not hiding it on purpose. That's different. People know I have a girl for it. It's not like I'm front and trying to be single. Like, you know Instagram models. Like, I don't have...

Right. I want to circle back to something you said that I liked and you were talking about like when you are dating somebody, you're like emotionally responsible for them. And it's like a whole other level of commitment to a person. And I think that one of the... So many messages from girls that are very long scenarios. We've got 100 of these DMs a day. He did this and he won't confirm plans.

and he won't, you know, show up for me for all these things. And it's like so many of the answers to this is like he wasn't into you and he doesn't want to have a girlfriend. He doesn't want to be responsible for you or somebody. And it's not always so personal. I think it's exactly what you said, which is that they just don't want to be responsible for another person's emotions. I mean, this is how I feel I'm not in a place where I want to take on someone else's

shit. And not, I'm just, I don't think that makes me a bad person or a selfish person. I'm sure I'll be there. I've been there in the past. but like it's it is an actual thing. Like no one ever has really said it like that on this podcast emotionally responsible. And you can sit here and say, but I'm independent and he's independent.

No, when you're in a romantic relationship, a committed romantic relationship, their shit is your shit and you're supportive. And hopefully you have somebody that's independent and can take care of themselves. But you are, you have to kind of, you've to sign up for it. Your actions affect that person. Yeah. And their actions affect you.

And that's a responsibility that puts a lot of pressure on people. And if you're not ready for that pressure, then you're not ready for that relationship or you're not willing to take on that pressure. Like everything has a cost, right? Yeah. Happiness has a cost. You want to feel good. You've got to hit the gym. The gym don't feel good.

But afterwards it does. That's the cost you pay. You either pay that cost in a beginner or in the end. Drugs feel great. How you feel the next day? Right. Like shit, right? Yeah.

Joy is not free. So you need to pay to tax. And if the tax for that is being emotionally responsible, dealing with some bullshit or, you know, if that is minimal for, like, the joy that you get out of the relationship, then you'll be more than happy to pay for it. It's like, I think people overthink relationships. Just stop being in relationships with people. You will find the right person that you want to sign up for. Yeah, just don't be there. And if he doesn't want to be with you, it's not right. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Well, Ashley says it all the time. I don't understand this, like, on this, this, he's, if you don't I don't like me, I don't like you back. If you don't like me, I don't like you. Right. It's so simple. If you don't like me, I am wildly turned off by that. Yes. You should. Yo, but you know what it is?

It's like people confuse like and, all right, this is what is. People confuse like and validation. Some people just want to be liked because when they're disliked by someone, they feel insecure. Right? So they're like, I need that guy to like me, not because I like them. Right. They don't even pause to say to themselves, do I even like this person. They like feeling good.

Sure. So it's everybody. If I get that guy to like me, then I'll feel good, right? So you get the guy to like you. And then you're like, well, I don't even really like him that much. But at least he likes me so I can feel good. Right. Does that make sense?

No, we say that all the time. It's validation. It's not, it's not. It's not validation. You don't even fucking like these guys. There's no way you could like someone who doesn't like you. It's truly impossible. Right.

You're just insecure. And we're all fucking insecure. But you're insecure. And when someone doesn't like you, that insecurity really flares up. So you're like, let me do whatever I fucking can to make them like me. So I feel valid. Boom, there it is. And now you're getting fingered in a fucking nightclub just because you want

to feel good inside, right? You want to feel validated by this guy who doesn't like you at all. It doesn't make any sense to me. I get it. We've all went through it. It's stupid. Well, we, somewhere along the lines of people, somewhere along the lines of the universe, people just got this idea in their head that

your value comes from your relationship and your partner and being wanted and like all the stuff. So that's, that is the entire goal of this podcast. That's why there's no more serial killers. Wait, what is,

why? Cillers are done. It's over? You're declaring the end of serial killing. Zero killers are over. How does it correlate to? Because women don't need to be married by 20 anymore. Think about this.

My girl pointed this shit out to me. She's like, literally think about this, right? Back in a day, if you're a woman, right, all the serial killers came around, what, the 60s, 70s? Big time 60s 70s Okay.

If you were 20 years old as a woman And you weren't married Why don't you have Yeah like why aren't you married You're 20 years old What that fuck? So these women were so Eager to marry a guy

They were getting into strangers car It's not like Ted Bundy was kidnapping these bitches Right? He was literally going Would you like to come in my car And they were like marriage And they were just walking

Into the I could get married to this man If I don't get married Then I die He was pretending He was crippled Okay you can't come at me For serial killer

I know everything. Ted Bundy was pretending that he was crippled. This is how much they want to get married. They were going to marry a cripple. That's how desperate women were to get married. Now that women don't have to get married, look, how old are you guys? Hold on this show. We're 30. Okay, so you're in your 30s. Neither you were married, right? But you're alive. Right. And we're killing it. You'd be dead. Both of you would be dead. If this was in the fucking 70s or 60s, you would have been killed by now. What I'm trying to say is the fact that women don't feel the same pressure to get married that they can have, that they can be like a functioning successful member of society without

being validated by some dude proposing them has stopped women from getting murdered all the time. Like, you don't get murdered anymore. Also, on that note, this is why when you watch catfish, you're like, this is crazy. This guy's never video chatted. He says he doesn't have a phone. He's like, he has told this woman so many lives and she's still like, but maybe it's wild. Like, you will believe what you want to believe. So if you see cripple Ted Bundy with a knife, you're like,

He seems misunderstood. The guy's holding a knife and he's like, and he's pointing to his car with a knife. He's like, would you like to get in a car? He's like tapping on the window. Like, here, just come in this window right here. And you're like, but he might marry me. I can cook with that knife where we're married. When we have a home together, I'll make our children food.

Oh my God. Is this a bait you do on stage whilst here? I'll tell you should. I have a Ted Bundy bit. And maybe there's something that will add to it. but my girl pointed out, but it's like, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, there's no more zero killers just because, yeah, just because of that. Simple fact. Isn't that crazy? Like, do you guys watch this true crime shit at all? It's all I watch. Okay, here's,

this is another crazy thing about women. Let's talk about you guys for a second, right? Okay, before true crime, right? It was the Lifetime movies. Yes. They're still out here doing crazy movies. Now, let me tell you something about this lifetime movie stuff. Women getting murdered is their whole... No, the women fight back. The Lifetime movie was always... The last one I watched, she murdered the dude. And why? Because the dude was a dickhead, right?

He beat his wife or he was abusive or he was doing fucked up shit. And then finally the woman was like, I'm not going to take it anymore. And I'm going to fight back, right? And I completely understood why women would watch that because that was like why men watch NBA or sports or something. Right. It's like, I can never do that, but it'd be cool if I could do that. You would live vicariously through this. the character, right?

Yes. That was your superheroes, right? Right. Like Beyonce, like when she came out with lemonade, we were like, yes. I said. Give me a baseball bat. I'm going to start. I'm fucking everything up.

And then immediately forgiving him because, whatever, because I don't believe any of the shit that I'm saying, but it's fine. I felt empowered in the moment. Will you buy the albums? So you'll keep buying the albums. I'll keep getting cheated on. Anyway, so the thing I don't get about this new true crime shit is, right? Every one of these new true crime podcasts that come out,

TV shows, et cetera. It's just you're getting killed. But you can't stop watching it. Why do you watch it? I love it. I can't stop. But why? I don't know.

I can't. I love murder. This is the thing. No girl, no. I love murder. I can't even sleep at night anymore. All I listen to is my favorite murder. And crime junkies, I can't even sleep at night.

I don't. I don't like watching women get murdered. The only murder show I watch is snapped killer couples. The couples, together that murder. Why do you love it? Because it's like a team, it's like romantic. It's like the bachelor, but murder. Here's the thing. You love murders? I know you love murders. We know that. I love murder. Cults. No, no, no, you love it. As women, you love murder. Can't enough. Yeah. And here's the thing. This is why we know it. Rani. Do you ever watch a jail show? You ever watch

those prison shows? My brother watches them. I only watch it when I'm with my brother. I love the night of and I loved all the prison stuff. Okay. So prison shows. What's the sort of people go into the prison undercover. Locked up. I'm scared straight. Scared straight. It's little kids. But let's go locked up, right? Locked up. My brother loves me. Every episode of locked up, there's a guy that's calling his wife, right? At home. There are women that were writing letters to fucking Charles Manson while he was, it wasn't like they met him before. Ted Bundy got married in prison. I can't even get married out of prison. Ready? So here it is. All right. You love murders. You'll go and visit them in prison. You'll go to prison and visit. You'll get married to them while they're in prison, right? Like,

Like, there's proof that they're a bad choice. Because they're in prison. Right? Like, usually that's, like, what does you do for a living? Dead give away. Right. Right. Totally.

You go to, you marry them. Right. Now they do the female version of locked up. Have you ever seen a man visit a woman in jail? Never, because if you go to jail, we broke up. Right? Like, why would you do that? Why would you go to jail and break up with me by going to jail?

Is this going to end with women are desperate? No. Here's what it is. I think I really believe this, and I know it's going to sound crazy, I think you want to get murdered a little bit. I think you're kind of into it. I know. I think you're a little bit into getting murdered.

Is this going to go somewhere where women are desperate, and this is even crazier? No, no, no. I think the idea of, like, getting murdered is kind of exciting to you, right? It's the ultimate bad boys, what you're saying. It's a bad boy thing. How bad boy do you want it? Like, this is going to sound like victim blaming, but like, you ever see like a girl jogging at night and you're like, have you not read about this?

Like, you think women just want to get murdered? Why are you jogging at night? Because you're, because you're like, I'm not going to get murdered. You are. Like when I got a DUI and then I got a second one within a year, I was like, I can't get another DUI. Like I was like, I'll roll the dice. Like I think it's like, I can jog at night. I shouldn't have to live my life being scared of being raped or murdered.

Wait a minute. Say that last one. You'll roll the dice, huh? Because women are rolling the dyes. You love it. I felt invincible. My point was that I felt invincible. And that's the problem.

The problem with invincible is you want to test to see. You want to test to see that. Listen, I get it. Being a young, attractive girl in the world, you feel invincible. You don't pay for anything. It's like you walk into Chipotle and they're like, it's extra for guac. And they're like, not for you. You know what I mean?

Like nothing. Like they don't charge you. Nothing like below a dollar you have to pay for, right? Girls are waltzing out of there. Like, quack is extra and so am I. Oh, I'm saying. I get the, I get what it must be like. Like Superman must have been excited when he found out about kryptonite.

Cryptonite is the green shit that can kill him, right? Imagine how boring it is being Superman. It's like, nothing can hurt you, nothing can kill you, nothing. You're fucking bored. You're jogging at night. You're fucking jumping off buildings. You're just flying. You're taking girls for like rides in the air.

just bored. And then all of a sudden, you find kryptonite, you're like, thank God. I just don't know if this, okay, I just don't want to get murdered. Like, I, if I feel a weird vibe, I'm like, we'll move a subway car. Like, I just, I'm not attracted to like bad boys, really. Smart. I like a nice guy with feminine energy that's funny. You know. Not good. Not good. Not good. It has emotion. You can have masculine energy without getting murdered. I know, but like, I just don't, I think maybe women are like, I, Why do you want feminine energy? I like a guy that skews a little more.

That's why you guys are single. I don't want a guy that's like a pussy. Because you get bored with that shit. I'm telling you, you date this feminine energy, it sounds good. It's not what you think. It's like, I think some comedians can have a lot of, because I think that like you just feel a lot of stuff. Yeah, they're sensitive.

Like I think Christa Stephano is feminine energy. No. He's just wildly charming. We don't mean gay. It's like more in touch with their emotions. Yeah, he's a wildly emotional person. And they can like, I think some, and honestly, you probably have some of it because that's what allows you to date a strong woman.

Because I think guys that are too masculine can't date a strong woman. I don't have enough feminine energy to admit that I have it. I'll tell you that much. Don't even call it that. Andrew's upset. He's triggered. I don't think I want to get murdered. Just call it muscle energy or something like that.

Call it something that man can agree with. You got a lot of muscle energy, like emotional muscle. You got some emotional muscle. Andrew Shulls is the most emotionally muscular man. And the most googled comedian on the planet. The most viewed guy on Raya. Listen, that one night... Do da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

One night, Nikki Glazer told us that she had like a terrible night. Something bad happened. And she was like, I left my doors unlocked because I didn't care if I got murdered that night. Like, I think she was like having a rough time. So maybe when a girl is running at night, like, in a bad neighborhood, she's like, I had a rough day. Fuck it. Wow, dude. Fucking.

I don't believe that we want to get murdered secretly. Not that you want to get murdered. It's almost murdered. It's not that you want to get murdered. You like the whiff of danger. Choke me. Yeah, like that. Yeah.

Uh-huh. What is that? What is choking? It's murder. It's not, you know, it's like a little dangerous. Like, I like when somebody calls me a filthy slut, too. It's just like a little dangerous. Those are different things.

Filthy slot is different, right? Right. No one's going to murder me. Someone's dominating you. Yeah. Choking is literally, hey, do that thing where I die. But then. Depends on what sex position we're in.

If I'm on the bottom, I don't really want to be choked that much. When you like to be choked on top? Yeah, a little bit. Or when they're behind me? If somebody's like behind me and they like grab me by the neck a little bit? I don't think men are on top choking women. That's not like even when we talk to. Yeah, we are.

What? Yeah. That's how you choke women. I thought that you did it. That seems like really murdery. Like when you want to get, I'm not, I'm not into like choking and slapping. But when we ask Christina and crin, like when you like to be slapped, they're like, you have to be on top. You can't have a guy slapping you from the top.

I'm not slapping any girl. Well, yeah, because, I mean, I'm not into that either. You don't slap women. First of all, this, you don't slap women. When a girl asks you to slap her, she's saying that you're a fucking pussy. She's like, you're such a bitch of a man that I need you to hit me so I can feel less feminine energy. you are so pathetic with your fucking satchel or wherever you keep your keys to your fucking Bushwick flat and your stupid mustache and your fucking bucket hat you are so pathetic so it's like So men have gotten too soft so now women are like you got to slap me

Look how crazy sex has gotten. Look at sex has gotten so crazy right? Yeah, it has from porn. It's because men have become complete bitches. and then what all the sudden has become really popular, right? Beards. No. I think women are like, you're not feminine enough for me.

No, dude, that pegging shit got to go. Don't put no fingers on my ass. Don't put no objects in my ass. Nothing's going in my ass. I'm into it. I've never done it, but I want to. But don't you like butt stuff? I like my ass eaten.

I like get my ass licked. But not a finger? Why not? Because no. It's just uncomfortable. You don't like it. It's a tongue only. Okay. Have you reflected on why?

Hell yeah. Why do you think? I don't want to know I like it. Why else you think? There's only one reason because I don't want to know I fucking enjoy that. And now I got to look at my girl in her face and go, can you drive a finger up my head? Like that's,

I don't want that experience. Like physically, biologically men have a clit in their butt. In your prostate, you have a click on your butt. That's something gay guys made up to fuck you in your ass. That's a total. bullshit.

Like, they, listen, people make this shit up. Are you a doctor in addition to being a comedian? I'm most Google to the world. I'm one of the most viewed doctors on a planet, really. No, but straight up. I, listen, this is a myth that women and gay dudes made up so that they could penetrate guys' butts, that there's a clit inside. There's a clit in your butt.

There's no clit. There's not even a clit on a woman. this is my favorite day this is going against everything we've ever discussed so yo that finger in the butt shit got to go though you got to know when to stop how do you respect a guy after you you fucked him in his ass or you fingered a guy's butt like how you truly respect your boyfriend those are two different things a finger in the bite like wanting to dominate your partner with a strap on.

I mean, we try to promote whatever. You promote whatever you want. We promote that anything you want to do in the bedroom as long as you feel safe and comfortable is fine. Nah. Nah. Why do we do that? Like, why do we act like that? What is this thing where like in society we just go, fuck it?

Because if you're happy, then fucking do. Like, no, there's rules. There's rules for this. In the bedroom? There are rules in the bedroom. One of those rules is nothing goes in my ass. That's your rule. Except a tongue, apparently.

A tongue can caress around it. And it can maybe going tiny, like a little bit, but can't go too far. You want to play just a tip with your tongue. If you got a real pointy tongue. Oh my God. Like a finger. If it's pointing like a finger. No.

You said it was pointing like a finger. It's not about whether I like it or not. It's not about that. It's about you cannot respect me as a man after that. There's no way. I can't, listen, I can't speak for all women. But I will. You can't look at a guy and go, he's the same after you fucked him in his ass, right?

Like, I don't want to do it. Why don't you want to do it? It doesn't, I don't want to take your exact words. But, no, I don't want to put a strap on on and fuck my boyfriend in the ass. I will never look at him the same. I'm agreeing with you. But that's just me. I know.

And you're right. So trust to yourself. But it's not a fantasy of mine. Huh? It's not a fantasy of mine. And I am a dominant. dominating controlling person and I have no desire to do that. That's a fantasy for people who aren't controlling or aren't dominating.

Not controlling. And you want to pick somebody. Yeah, because I don't know though because I've never done it. I don't know how I would feel. Right. Like cops who have control and they dominate all throughout their life. In bed they want to be submissive, right? So you do the opposite.

Now look, what do you get? This is why you can't let anybody put fingers in your ass as a guy. And as a girl, you shouldn't want to do it to your boyfriend. You guys love your truth. Anyway, keep going. We support you. off we look. You get no pleasure

from fucking your boyfriend in his ass. There's no like nerve endings on your finger. No, I'll tell you what pleasure I get. Like I'm masculating him and making him look like a little bitch

as he's bent over. Let him. It's not that. Let him. It's not that. But I want to tell you, I really enjoy blow jobs. I like giving blow jobs.

I'll masturbate to giving a blow job. Yeah, that's great. I get, thank you. I get no pleasure. There's no thing. There's no nerve endings on my tongue. But I really enjoy making someone else come.

I like hearing them breathe. that. I like their body, like, jerking. I just love it. I love making somebody come. And like, there's no nerve endings in my mouth. Right. So riddle me that. What I'm saying is, you enjoy pleasuring someone. Yes. Right? 100%. I do as well. Yeah. That is, we're comedians, right? We like making people feel good. It makes us feel good to make them feel good. Yeah. Right. We're givers. Yeah. At the end of the day. Like, we like seeing the reaction. It's like, yeah. We give somebody. 100%. Your pegging thing doesn't necessarily make him feel good. He might not come.

He might not like it at all. It might be completely uncomfortable. So it has nothing to do with making him feel good because if you want to make him feel good, just suck his dick. That's what feels good. So I've never pegged anybody. I'm just saying I would.

Keep don't doing it. Whatever that sentence was. Keep don't doing it. It's something that you don't realize, but you won't like. Like, let me just show you guys something. Okay. Get your phone on.

Okay. Andrew, don't. Could you possibly, I mean this, no, and this is for you specifically, could you possibly see a guy in this position and then want to see him again? Could you possibly see a guy and you're the one that wants to peg? You're the one that wants to peg. Could you see a guy like this and imagine he went, oh yeah, that feels good? You would want to fuck that guy again? Ask yourself that.

It's a no go. You don't do it. Or even worse, the guy's got his fucking legs in the air like that. Like, no. I need it that you're right. That's what I'm saying. It's like, stop. You don't, we tell people like, whatever you feel like doing, you're going to want to do.

No. You don't actually want to do. Most of the shit that you want to do, you don't. You eat candy. How do you feel afterwards? You feel like shit. Right. Most of the things that you really desire, you feel like shit after.

But I get a momentary high from the candy while I'm eating at. So you want a moment where you're high fucking a dude for the rest of your relationship ruined. Congrats. It might not ruin it, though. Like if they really want, I just, I'll be a freak. If somebody wants to try something, I'll try anything once. Good. Let them try it on you.

I don't want, no, that's not an option. What? Up your butt? Up my butt. It's just, like, if that was like a deal breaker for a guy, if he was like, I have to have butt sex. Like, I'm not your girl. It's just not for me.

I don't even understand why people like butt sex. I guess it's like a tighter hole. No, it's not. For some people, it's tighter. Like, for me, I've never had anything in it. It's not tighter. It opens up and it stays open. That's why it gapes in porn.

There's like. It's not for me. It's such an outhold of me. I just, but I mean, again, people. It doesn't even make sense. This anal shit. I've done it. It's like, the only reason you do it is because you can't have another guy do more to your girl than you.

Oh my God. So you're saying if she's on an anal with someone else, you have to do it just to. I. Grudgingly have to butt fuck you because Dave. defiled you earlier on and you're like so now I got to go through this whole

rigamar roll butt fucking you where shit comes out and it doesn't feel as good just because I can't let Dave But how do you get one up on Dave? I don't even know but fucking Dave.

Do you eat ass? Yeah, why not? Yeah. I'm fine. Right out the shower whatever goes. For sure. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'll kiss feet. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's just another, it's just skin out of the shower. Yeah. Just make sure it's clean.

It's right. Yeah, but the thought of it, anything other than right out of the shower makes me want to love it. Because my underwear are always dirty. I wipe vigorously. Dirty. It's always moist in there at some point, right? Yeah. I don't want to be in there.

It's a little bit. I can't get my finger in somebody's butt unless I'm blowing them because my arms are too short. So like I can't reach. So like imagine like I am having sex with somebody and they're on top of me. I can't get my hand around them and into a bottle. hole. Hold on. There are guys that like to get fingered in their butt while they're fucking yeah, it makes you come super hard. I promise you, I'm not a doctor, but like, let's change the subject. No, no, no. Yeah, let's figure this out. Let me ask you, has guys ever had trouble

coming? Is that a thing? Is that ever been a thing in history? Guys having trouble coming. But you come harder. I have different levels of orgasms. There's no come harder. There's no there is. Have you have different levels of orgasms? It's a girl thing. Guys don't come harder. We just come. Really? Yes. This is a myth that we tell. Oh, I bust, I bust, I bust, I bust, I bust, I bust, I bust, little bit. Now we busts more or less, depending on how often you're masturbating. But we're just nut. You feel the same. More or less, we're talking about like minor differences. And it's not worth it to have shit up your ass for how much better. Sex is great for us. We got to figure it out. Don't worry about us. We're good. Yeah. Y'all

the ones that need a little bit more, you know, tender love and care. So we'll tender love and care you. Okay. One of the men realize that women can have orgasms and come to? Do you feel like There's just, 1988. How do you, how do you, was that the year you were born? No.

I just, we were on the podcast earlier today we were talking about this and I really feel like in my like 20s, I just didn't know, like,

I don't know the guys were like out there like trying to make you orgasm as much. And now I feel like every guy that I sleep with is like going down on me making sure that like I get mine.

I think because of the wealth of information because of our podcast. I think that emotional, masculine energy. I think that, um, I think that men have become less entitled.

I think as, women have become more independent and less needy and less dependent on men, men have realized that we have to also win you over. And one of those things is satisfying you sexually. If you go to certain cultures where women just are there to have kids and get married, they're not pleasing them. Like, go to Japan. I think a girl in Japan was telling me that 1% of Japanese women have had orgasms. Japanese woman telling me that. It's an incredibly suppressed culture. Exactly. So it's like, and that's why you see all the weird shit, like tentacle porn and all that kind of stuff. But it's like, but in America where you have your own job, you're making your own money, you have your own apartment, I better come through with some fucking dick. Right. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying? Because I'm not giving you shelter. I'm not giving you food. You got it all. Right? I better be charming and dicking. Right. The C and the D. Otherwise, what, what's going on?

I really never talked about this on the show. Like as women have become. more successful independent. Men have had to step their game up. Like men have not stepped their game up on their own. It's because women have gotten better and more successful. 100%. They've had to rise above. Yeah.

Dude, it's capitalism. It's competition. True. Yeah. That's all that you just. The free market. You were never part of the market before. Right.

You were saved. We were saving a hoe. Captain Save a hoe. That's what we would do. Or murdering them. Save it or murdering. That's all men did. Pretending you were crippled.

Full circle. That's all you had to do. Full circle. Is this why you went into comedy? Exactly. Depressed women. Oh, man. We like didn't even, I've been dying to know this whole time because I'm just such a

details person. Do you, your girlfriend slid into your DMs. Yes. What made her stand out because I'm sure you get a lot of DM slides, right? Yeah. So I just thought she was beautiful. And I thought it, uh, I admired the confidence. And I like how she kind of approached it.

And, uh, yeah, I don't know. Sometimes it's luck. Okay. I'm just curious. Honestly, sometimes it's truly luck. I love that message. Sometimes it's just, You caught me on the right day and that's it.

And like, you know that you like the way somebody looks. Listen, we're shallow at the end of the day. Let's be honest. I mean, that's the most vulnerable thing about being a woman, right? It's like if you're a fucking short, bald, ugly dude, you can be rich and then you're still good. Do you know what I mean? But it's like, at the end of the day, a girl's value to a guy starts with looks. You could be someone's soulmate, but he might not even know it because he's not physically attracted to you.

Yeah. That's why I never knock women who get plastic surgery. because it's like, if you have the ability to, like, increase the amount of men you can attract in this one life that you're here, you got to be stupid not to. Like, we sell this myth sometimes to women where it's, oh, it is about who you are inside. Okay. Keep thinking that. I mean, to your point, the story that we hear all the time is a woman meets a guy or she's

friends with this guy or whatever, and she is not attracted to him immediately. and he grows on her because he's funny or because whatever, and you don't hear that story with men. You just don't. I think men know immediately that they find you attractive or not. You don't hear men out here being like, God, on that first date, I did not think she was cute and she grew on me. That's just not a thing that happens.

It's where we are built differently. Rain and I both have that experience with men where we're like, I don't know. I don't remember my ex. I don't even know if I thought he was hot, date one. And when we started dating, I thought he was the hottest guy alive. And you just don't hear that story with men. It is kind of the immediate traction. If it's not there, it's not there.

Absolutely. We had that matchmaker on the show and she was like, if they don't want to fuck you, they're not calling you on a second date. There's nothing you can do about it. You can be the funny. It's just,

they didn't vibe with you. That's all. And I mean, that being said, like, I think there is a, the dumbest thing I've ever said in the podcast. I think there's like,

is supposed to be a lid for every pot. You know what I mean? I think that like you can find somebody that thinks you're beautiful. It's not like we're promoting, you know, body shaming or these types of things, right?

I just, I have so much empathy for a girl that does it. I don't think that she's like shallow or only cares about her looks, even though plenty of them do, right? So plenty of guys do. They're just in the fucking gym all the time. People are like that. I mean,

I promote both. Look, I think that self-love is important, but I also think that you can get work done. I think it's important to be honest, right? Like I have veneers. My teeth, like,

were fucked up. I didn't like them. They looked like shit. I paid somebody to get them fixed. Yeah. It's not cheap. It's emotionally stressful to get your teeth done. It's something that I wanted to do and I own it.

I'm open about it. And I think that that's the best thing you can do. is not be out here being like, I just look like this. I just woke up looking like this. The thing is we have this like horrible idea in society right now, which is because men and women are equal, we're not equal, but like because men and women deserve equality, that means that we're equal across everything.

And we're not at all. We deserve equal rights, but we're not equal. When you start looking to someone as you're equal, you start putting certain things on them that they don't deserve. Okay. For example, my standards of attractiveness are different than yours, right? The things that women are attracted to over like millions of fucking years are stability, security, safety. Okay. Why do you like tall guys? They're just better at keeping you not murdered. Right? They make you feel small. Exactly. But it's also, it's not only you feel small. It's he can protect me for murderers. That's where it comes from. Like, why do you like a rich guy? Well, because I'm, I'm not. be, you're going to be pregnant for nine months and you can't work. And he can make sure your baby eats. This is where it comes from. It's not like, it's not like gold digging doesn't have like roots in something actually innate inside of us, right? So, Chanel bags. Listen, this is like the second

step of it. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, this is like a girl validating herself like, like, he's buying me a bag so he likes me, whatever, it doesn't matter. But you, but I get it. You, you understand what I'm saying. Yeah. So it's like, so if you're attracted to a guy who's, let's say, financially secure. Right? You don't think if a guy could get some surgery that made me twice as rich, I wouldn't do that? Oh my God. Like, are you fucking out of your mind? Like, we judge women for getting a nose shop.

You don't think if a guy could get paid $10,000 and all of a sudden he was worth $10 million? Or he was five inches taller? Or are you fucking kidding me? You don't think we would do that in a heartbeat? That is so true. Of course we would. But here's the thing what women do. You judge other women.

to get the surgery. You're holding yourselves back. Not us. I'm out here on the podcast every week. This is what I've had done. This is what I'm paying to get done. Boom. I own the shit out of it.

And also to your point, like, it's just, why is it any different than busting your ass at the gym? I mean, I guess sometimes there's the easy way out, but we talk about all these things we do to look better. And then we draw the line at this thing. Or like, women will talk about their skincare routine, but they don't want to say they've had Botox. It's like, how come this one?

thing is fine and your hundreds of dollars and your products are fine, but the injectable is not. It's like, it's all the same. It's really arbitrary. All this shit is arbitrary. Yeah, I mean, we're making it up and it's based on what we can afford. And the people that can't afford the other shit, they judge it. And the people that can, they just do it. It's literally just resources based at the end of that. But I also, I think there's, there is like a line though because then what just like natural beauty like means nothing anymore? Like you look at a, I think we, there's, it starts to get weird because like you look at Kim Kardashian's body and it's not realistic. It's like binge. Yeah, I'm not promoting other people doing that.

And I'm not saying everybody should go get veneers. I'm just saying I am one person in the world. I didn't like this thing. I paid to fix it. And that's it. I'm not saying anybody else should do it. And that was what was good for me. I think the majority of people though, when they do get stuff, it's quite reasonable. And, you know, like getting veneers is quite reasonable. I think you have these like extreme versions of people who get surgery. And that's what gives like a bad rap to it. Look, I think you're right. I just want to look like my. myself, but with a filter. Like, I want to look, I don't want to look like a different person. Like, obviously I've thought about getting a nose job. I mean, I've thought about these things. But

like at the end of the day, I'm confident. And I really like the way I look. And I just want to like be like a smoother version. You know what I mean? Like I'm not, I, I, there's things I would fix, but like they're going to be minimal and you're never going to be like that's not Ashley anymore. Like you might be like she's got a little something done. I get a little bit of an upper lip. But like I want to look like myself just like a little better. And I think that's how most women feel. Because changing the way you look completely will just make you more insecure. And if you're more insecure, you're going to be unhappy with whoever you're with. Right.

Right. So it's like there is diminishing returns to like getting addicted to that. So I'm not saying go for it, go do it. If you have to judge your confidence, right? It's like you feel confident as you so you don't change you at all. Because you might get hotter and feel worse. And that's going to get you attracted to a worse dude because you're going to need someone that much more obsessed with you to fill the void that wasn't there before.

Yeah. It's so true. So I'm not saying go get it. What I am saying is, not the judge a bitch that gets it because she might not be this fucking shallow idiot. She might be really playing a game of, hmm, okay, this could improve this insecurity that I have and actually maybe make me feel better about myself without going too far down the line. Right. Raina and I are just like confident. And I think Rayna was like, I don't like my teeth. And I'm going to do that. They weren't terrible. I'm going to change my whole face. I got invisaline. I wanted to fix it to you.

Your teeth are nice. Thank you. You do have nice to you. Thank you very much. It's like they're really nice. There's a lot of them. Thank you. I got all of them.

Any extras? Any extras? Thank you. Like a Freddie Mercury situation. I got some extras. He had all the teeth, huh? Four extra. He looked like that fucking Somalian and the captain.

He said four extra. What do they call? What are those teeth? Moulers. Front teeth? Something. Not canines? No,

there's another word. Whatever. Who cares? I just watched. I just watched the movie recently. and I'm like really still obsessed with it. That's the, that's the funniest thing about that movie is like,

like, like everybody knocks like rappers for like rapping about shit, but they don't really live it. And it's like, this guy was saying about like fat bottom girls while he was sucking cocks. It's like, he's the biggest fraud.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, Andrew Roan Queen for us. That's it. I'm just saying like, like, like,

why don't we just acknowledge we like fake music? Like fake music is the best music. People sell you lies and you all believe it. Andrew, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate gay people? First of all, I don't hate gay people. I grew up in a dance family. You can't like the idea. Like I can say these things because I grew up with gay so I don't feel like I have to baby them.

Right. You know what I mean? Like it's the same thing with like women. I could be critical with women because I grew up with powerful women. It's the guys that don't are the ones like, may I say these words around you? Your standup is both. I mean, for a white guy to get on stage and say the stuff that you say on stage, it's bold. Yeah.

You got to do it. We got to go for it. I mean, what's the point? Yeah, but you specifically, I think people are like, oh my God,

how does he like get away with that? Like, which I'm not saying that comes for me. I have a good grasp on comedy in general. No, no, I hear what you know. I get that a lot.

But like, what's your answer to that? Uh, just be funny. Yeah. Anything is funny if you make it funny. Anything's funny if you make it funny. And I'm willing to like fail and I'm willing to like bomb and I'm willing to be really

uncomfortable. for a long time until I get the joke to work. So, like, I'll go through that brutal process. But, like, if you come to one of my shows, I got the most diverse audience in comedy. For sure. And never once have I pandered for diversity, ever. You really do.

Yeah, it's the opposite. If anything, I'm making fun of every single. Like, when I did the crowd work special, part of the point of the crowd work special was, I'm going to make fun of every different race and gender, you know, and sexuality of people in the audience to their face. And they're going to laugh at it. So you can't be effective.

on their behalf. They're having fun. Of course. Of course. It was like the goal was to prove we can laugh at ourselves. It's five people in the internet that can't. The rest of us are actually having fun and laughing at ourselves. I get it. I think where people like this is not coming from me and we want to get in this with you. We want to talk about like people being offended and cancel culture and all this kind of stuff. But people, the perception, again, not me is like this is this good looking white guy. So this is like punching down is what people feel. Should punch down. Okay.

Should punch in every direction. Okay. Punch up, punch down, punch sideways. And you make fun of white people too. Of course. Everybody gets it. Right. That's the thing.

If I don't make fun of you, I don't respect you. Right. So if you're getting these jokes, it's because I respect you. Simple as that. If I didn't think you could handle it, that's where it gets sad. Like, when motherfucker's like, well, we can't make fun of trans people because that's the most bigoted thing you could possibly say. Because you're looking at them like they're a child. They're weak.

You're looking like they're weak. And, you know, you want to cut your fucking cock off? They're like, that's a strong move. I don't know if it's a smart one, but it's a strong one. You could take jokes. I mean, like, I think what I've always realized about different races is that like if you or cultures, maybe it's because I grew up in New York, but if you actually know something unique about the culture, you can make fun of them.

Oh, like you're, you're, uh, what is the people love that joke of yours, the Indian bracelet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the sick, Sikh. was sick as browns but but yeah so it's like that he was he was like if i just made some stupid indian joke about his voice or whatever like that it would be offensive and hacky and hacky right but the fact that like i knew the history of the bracelet and then i made the bit after it like he's it's not some white guy making fun of him i i stopped being generic white guy because he stopped being generic Indian.

He's Punjabi and sick, and I'm Andrew Schultz that knows about this specific Indian culture, right? Enough history to make the joke about it. And then you could say whatever the fuck you want. It's when you're just hacking and you truly don't respect anybody's culture or know anybody's culture that you get in trouble. Right.

You show you know a little bit. Like even throughout this podcast today, like people are going to listen. They're going to be like, I was crazy what he said, but like, it's kind of true. Like, we do love these. murder shows. Like, what the fuck? Because I've showed interest, right? It's not, it's not like I'm some guy going like, women complain a lot. I'm going, what, what is so compelling about this? I notice a trend because I've observed. And then you're like, I'll hear him out because he's actually

listened. All right. I think that you have made a decision and you own it and that's what I can respect. I don't agree with everything you say. And I think that Ashley and I try to be like friends to women and empower women. I don't agree with everything you say. But I think it's a decision and I think you own it. You are not the comedian that's like, I'm going to be the next SNL cast member. I can care less. Exactly. You've carved out your own path and that is something that I think that anybody should be able to respect. Yeah.

That's, I mean, like, if you either do it or you die. Right. Like, SNL is done. TV is done. Like, it's over. It's over. Like, this is what people don't realize. Like, this is the future.

What we're doing right now is the future. And there are people still operating within the Hollywood Matrix. right and that will exist until it doesn't which will be quite soon and when it doesn't what what do you do all you have to really do to see where the business is going is just look at who sells tickets yeah it's literally all you have to do because at the end of the day do people care enough to put the clothes on leave their house get a babysitter and come see you now if you have all these specials on you know HBO or these other things and you're on this TV show and CVS, but you can't sell out a club, you have to go, oh, the old way is dead.

Mm-hmm. Okay? Now, we grew up observing and idolizing the old way. So we still probably look at those people like, wow, you have that thing. That's really cool. And I'm sure bands back in the day really wanted a record because they grew up listening to records. Motherfucker CDs came out.

You could print a record, but nobody got a record. player. But Ariana Grande did what you did. I mean, she just put out a single and she was just like, I'm going to release this on my own. And I also has been very vocal of like, why can't act like a rapper? Like, why do I have to go through the machine? Like, and I think I respect her because she's like, I got put in this female white woman pop star box and I just want to act like I want to act. And she's even said that. She's like, why, why can men, why can rappers just drop this in the middle of the night? Or why? Why can Beyonce act like this? But I love what you said that. And, you know, like, this isn't to to our own horn, but, you know, people, they put this weight on like, oh, this person was on

SNL or they had this thing. And it's like, they don't sell tickets like the two girls that started a podcast out of their living room. Like, it's, it's changed so much. And like, that's why we have so much respect for you. Because all it matters is that people want to come see you and you have a direct link to your fans. Like, if you, so what that you're on TV, right now, I don't give a fuck about being on TV. It's over. We want you guys to come see us and get to know us and like listen to the podcast and sell tickets. And that's what we've done. I mean, I think the name of the game is authenticity today, and I think that people can smell it. But owning your shit.

Like, it's people just, there's people that you would qualify as much more successful comics than me personally, because I do stand up, but us together as a duo because they've had specials and this and that. And like, those people just have to kind of wait for the next thing. They have to wait until they get, like, we own our shit completely. There's nobody controls us but us, which is a nice feeling. And like, if we're dulling out career advice, it's like, own your shit. That's, if you can. 100% why I went the way I went. Well, also because nobody was giving me an opportunity to stand up.

But the reason I went the way that went out, I've leaned so hard into this is I need control of my life. We're farmers. We plant seeds and then we reap the fucking crops of the seeds that we planted. I'm not sitting out here waiting for the government to cut me a check. I can't rely on that. If I do a special and I sell a special and I get a big check on that, that's extra money. That's icing on the cake. Because I already made my money based on the crops that I plant.

The people that are in the matrix, that's going to work as long as the matrix exists and it's crumbling. And the second it crumbles, they're dead. Right. They have nothing. Yeah. They're just jumping from one lily pad to the next lily pad. Eventually, you can run out of lily pads.

And I keep telling them, you have to use this time now where they're eyeballs on you to develop something like this. It doesn't have to be a podcast. It can be fun, social content. It could be whatever it is. YouTube stuff. You do a lot of video stuff. Yeah.

You just need to find a way where you can maintain that connectivity when the people are on you because eventually you're going to run out of these opportunities because it's business is changing. And we might have like all this respect for these institutions that we grew up watching. But the reality is, and you don't have to stop having respect, have respect, watch, love, support, but they're dead. So while they might judge this, we're like, oh, you're just two girls that do a podcast. Like, are you standing? Like, what is it? It's like, you're judging because.

because you don't want to accept change. Right. Nobody wants to accept change because that means they have to change themselves. Nobody wants to do something different that they're comfortable with. Well, we like what you've done is carved out your own whole world. So we really respect that. That's what we love having you on the show. For sure.

Thank you so much for having me. Well, let's try to, let's wrap up with this quick little segment. Do you have like 15? Yep. All right. We're going to do a quick game with you. We're going to wrap up. We design a game for every person.

What we're going to do with you is called Psycho or Power Move. We're going to read you some emails that people sent. you're going to tell us, is it psycho or is it a power move? All right. Ashley has the first one. Okay. And we know you like sports. Okay. Do you play sports? Yeah, I played sports. Do you play ball? I played ball growing up here.

Okay. In college, this is a girl writing this. In college, I managed the men's basketball team at my university. My roommate who played for the girls team almost instantly started saying the girls on her team were wondering how many the guys I'd fucked. In reality, only one. Apparently, it was rumor that I was having sex with over half the team, which is not that many people, but was that like eight people? one of the girls on the women's spring break for me yeah one of the girls in the women's team even planned to go talk to the athletic director to get me fired basically for being a slut i talked to all the guys about it before practice started one night pretty upset they promised to have my back no matter what and we came over the new plan every single one of them agreed to say they slept with me if anyone asked the few that had girlfriends would say we had

threesome over the next few weeks my roommate continued to ask me to provide a 24 hour notice if i would be bringing someone home, blah, blah, blah. Basically, she didn't like me hoeing around. So I began bringing about three of the basketball players at a time, back to my room, where we would play gang bang porn loudly from my laptop and just sit on the floor for about a half hour and then I would have them leave. We had it pretty well spread around the whole university. I was banging the entire team.

But of course, the players and the girlfriends knew I wasn't. My roommate eventually moved out of our apartment when she couldn't take it anymore and we all came clean. The fake sex certainly was a good team bonding experience. I'd be out there just doing the fucking. It's crazy. You're not fucking. So she doubled down on the rumor.

I love this. She's like, y'all are going to say I'm fucking the whole team. I'm going to make you think I'm fucking the whole team. This is completely made up. I would be like, you think it's made up? Of course this is fake because no girlfriend of a ball player would allow her boyfriend to be part of a rumor that would demonstrate that he cheated.

This is completely made up. How do you coordinate three guys? That's what I want to know. How do you can all three of them to come over? Oh, that's easy. Just say come over. Hey, I want you and your two boys to fuck me. All right.

So psycho or power move that she made this shit up and we just read on the podcast. Oh, she's a psychotic, powerful person. Like, this is both. Like, she made up a great lie. She orchestrated a brilliant lie, but it is psycho to do it. But definitely fake.

I hope they email you again, proving that's fake. It has to be fake. The new game should just be. Did you make this up? This is true or false. And this happens to be true. I would be like, if you think I'm doing it,

then I'm doing it. It's crazy you shouldn't you do it. If you're going to be thought of as a whore. Be a whore. Get the dick. Absolutely. Yeah. Get that.

Can you imagine just having like three Basel players in your room and you're like, let's just play some porn in the laptop. I'd be like, we're fucking. And I'm just so turned on by the porn anyways. I'd be like, let's just do this. This made me laugh because I think on both heads, it's very funny. We get an email from this girl. It's not about her. It's about her boss.

Although I'm not quite the badass in this story. I do one thing happening literally as I write this, hiding in the bathroom. I am a full-time chemist, but I'm hashtag broke. I serve a couple nights a week at a restaurant. I see I have a request and it's our executive chef soon to be ex-wife. which I think is strange, but whatever. I go to greet the table and she's there celebrating their divorce that they finalized earlier that day.

She came to the restaurant where he's an executive chef to make him, make her a celebratory post-divorce dinner. Psycho or power move. I don't even know what's going on. I blacked out a little bit in the beginning. Okay, so basically what happens is a girl's a waitress in a restaurant. He's like, I'm late to dinner. No, I'm running late for dinner, so I'm planning like how I'm going to handle the fact

that I'm late to this dinner. I feel so bad. All right, here's the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. her this woman gets a divorce with a guy he's a chef at a restaurant so she goes to celebrate the divorce at his restaurant so he's forced to make a meal for her oh that's what it is that's a psycho power move but also you're crazy because he's definitely spitting in your fucking food like oh yeah the whole staff is there's got lax of sprinkled all over that terrible shit no that's crazy that's just a stupid move why would you do this at all why would you go maybe what you do you don't even fucking eat it you just throw in the trash you're like bye

They're order delivery. You know what I'm saying? But like, you're actually helping his restaurant. You're paying him money. So now you're not really getting half in the divorce. You're getting half minus whatever that meal was. You're screwing yourself. This is a dumb move.

This is dumb. This is psycho and dumb. No power. Andrew's not buying any of it. I'm not the right choice to step it up. Do we have another one? All right. One more I'll summarize for you because this was my favorite one.

This girl, I was living in a shitty apartment with several roommates and dating a guy who lives by himself in a nice place. Tim, let's call him Tim. His was fucking asshole, but she wanted to stay there and the sex was good, whatever. He went on town for a few days. She said she would stay at the place, watch his dog. Mostly because she wanted to stay in the nice building

and used the rooftop pool, whatever. He was a total dick to me the night before he left. That weekend, I went out, got drunk and met some guy and wanted to bring him home. So I brought this guy back to his apartment and fucked him in his bed. No. When we got up and he noticed it was clearly a guy's place,

I said I was dog sitting for my gay friend. I mean, smart excuse in the moment, but that is a vile thing to do. That is a vile thing to do. Like one act in your life doesn't make you like a good or bad person. Except for that one. You're a bad person. He took you out of your fucking tenement house that you're living in with 40 different people in fucking Chinatown.

We got chickens and shit hanging downstairs. And then he gave you air conditioning and a pool and a view. And you're going to fuck another guy in the bed. In front of the dog. Why did she do it? And what a piece of shit dog. What happened to man's best friend? Right?

That's not your best friend. You doesn't best friend. Best friend doesn't just watch some other guy. Fuck your girl in your house that he's supposed to protect. What a piece of shit dog that is. I'd break up with the girl and then I would put the dog in a shelter because you're not a dog. You're a cat. You just became a cat.

That's what you became. This dog. You're not my dog anymore. Andrew, I don't love anybody as much as you. It's official. I love you too. I love you. Thank you guys so much.

We love having you on the show. Tell people where they can find you. Come to my tour. Theandrewshultz.com. No tea in Schultz. And you can see all the tour dates. And my YouTube is YouTube. com slash The Andrew Shultz.

And you just watch some stand-up clips there. If you like it, you keep watching. If you don't, you just stop. There's no pressure. Podcasts are. Oh, yeah. Brilliant Idiots, Flagrant 2. All that stuff is on.

But are we, what's the website? The Andrew Shultz tour? the andrewshelts.com has got everything. The Andrew Shultz.com. But yeah, just go check it out. All my stuff's on YouTube. If you like it, you'll go. The crowdwork special we mentioned, guys. It's free. Free on YouTube. All my specials are free. I got three up there. So, they're free on YouTube. Some are broken up in the pieces, but crowdwork one isn't. And, but yeah, man, thank you guys. Thank you guys. Unbelievable comedian. Check out his stuff as much as possible, as often as possible. You guys can find us. As

always, Ashley, take us out. Oh, girls got eapodepodcast.com, stupid liveshows.com. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast on Instagram. Raina. dot Greenberg on Instagram. Ash Hess on Instagram, Girls underscore Gotta Eat on Twitter. And we'll see you next week. See you guys in your cities.

Have a good week, guys.