Girls Gotta Eat - Pet Loss, Grief Relief, and Showing Love

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

This one might be a tearjerker for some, but we're still coming through with laughs, love, and living our truth. We're discussing the recent passing of Ashley's dog/Rayna's godson/GGE legend Dewey, and how we've been handling this loss (Ashley grieving, Rayna supporting), offering insight for those dealing with their own grief, and giving advice for supporting friends and family members in times of need. We're also sharing the inspiring ways our listeners support each other through grief, and what NOT to say when someone is hurting. And of course we still have our regularly scheduled intro programming with some commentary on the Lebron heckler, The Bachelor, mean girls, and fresh recs. Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @RaynaGreenberg. Get merchandise and tickets to our virtual live show THIS THURSDAY on our website! Thank you to our partners this week: Calm: Get 40% off a premium subscription at calm.com/gge. Ritual: Get 10% off during your first 3 months at ritual.com/gge. HelloFresh: Go to hellofresh.com/10gge and enter code 10GGE for 10 free meals + free shipping. Buffy: For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit buffy.co and enter code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You sat him down, walked him out of the stage. We did a toast for everybody, 1,500 screaming fucking people. And he just sat at our feet at our feet like a king. The king he is. Unbothered, not barking. People were running up just to touch him like he was Jesus. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to Eat. Welcome back.

Coming to you from the tender. Why are you letting me? I don't know. I just thought of something you said earlier. What did I say? I'm really fucked up. I can't say it. Just so you guys know it was probably funny.

It's fucked up. Yeah, it's a blizzard. It just kept snowing. I'm sorry. And it's snowed for too fucking long. All right. Anyway. Weather.

Weird. I love it. I love a blizzard. I had a great day yesterday. You don't love being alone as much as I love being alone. I love it. I love the snow when it's falling. And then after that it's just like mountains of dirty snow on the street.

It's disgusting. New York is pretty for one day tops. And then it's like pretty terrible. Oh, yeah. It's just dirty. Hot take. New York is disgusting. I love it. I love it so much. You just had your anniversary. I know, I did. Most popular Instagram post ever. I had to get naked just to get that many likes and follows. It's great city line. I just like a new Instagram crush and he like didn't like it. He's trying to play hard to get. He's like mostly on TikTok.

Okay, it's the week of our Valentine's live show, virtual live show. We are so excited. We cannot hype this enough. get those tickets, Girls' Gottiopodewpodcast.com, click on live shows. It is this Thursday, February 11th, 9 p.m. Eastern Times, whatever time that is in your time zone, you can watch it live. If you can't make it live,

you will have access to watch the show afterwards, but we recommend that you watch it live. It's going to be so incredible. There's something that's happening that we really both don't know about. It's going to be a surprise. You're going to see our reactions to it in real time. We have these incredible guests.

I just want to say their names, but I just want you guys to be surprised. Obviously, we have a hot opening in performance. Oh my God. I'm like the opening performance, I'm crying, thinking about it. It's going to be bigger and better than all of other shows, even though they were on credible, too. But we just want to keep out doing ourselves. So get those tickets.

You guys can, you know, watch with people in your household or your partner or your dog. Watch it virtually with your friends. Have a little watch party. Get your sharkochi boards and your drinks and whatever else, your chocolates. I'm spiraling. It's just going to be incredible. You guys have had, you've made this such an event. And that's what I think is so fun about our virtual live shows is you guys get together with girlfriends safely.

But you make all these dinners and plans and find drinks. And my favorite thing is like watching all the tags come in throughout the day. Yeah. Of everybody playing their party. I mean, yeah. Yes. So you guys can get tickets for that at girls' gutty podcast.com. A bunch of people sometimes last time I knew is emailed about access codes, questions about that.

Just any questions you guys have about ticketing, email the ticketing website. Okay. Yeah. And merchandise, you guys know we've all new stuff. You guys have been getting, it's been going out fast. I'm very excited about the mugs are so sick. You don't live here anymore. And the Bernie mug, people love the go-off sweatshers to fuck around and find

out sweatshirts. We're going to nominate a merch email of the week. I'm not doing this again because I don't want to encourage you guys to send stupid emails. Listen, we are not trying to drag anybody, but we get some emails that like, what happened? Ultimately, like, we're just, we don't want to. We're so honored. We're so honored. You guys want to support our business and want to wear the merch.

But some of these emails are so funny. And I'm like, I don't know how you guys got dressed this morning. Anyways, this email, it's one sentence. It just says, hi, I ordered the camo, don't DM us. Not the white one. Thanks. Also, we saw multiple things that say don't DM us on it. I don't know if she ordered it now.

I don't know if the wrong thing got delivered. I like, listen, we're CCed on the support emails. We check them sometimes. We don't know if that was a mistake or she was just telling us about her decision process. Right. I admit. Like, what is the actionable item you would like us to do here? So morning evils are funny.

Someone else emailed She couldn't use the girls got to eat Merchandise store gift card to buy tickets to the live show. Listen, I was making fun of it and then Ashley sold me on a new concept. But then I was like, listen, maybe she's smarter than us. Maybe she has an idea here. Maybe we have a girl's got to eat credit card.

It's kind of like your Delta Amex and that goes to everything. So you can buy the merch, you can buy the live show tickets. You can buy the Bobby Westside girls got to eat workout classes. You can pay our rent. You can. Yeah, exactly. But listen, we're happy you guys support us. We love you guys. We just, we get a kick out of these sometimes.

Yeah. So keep buying the merch. Everything is a girls' guttypockets.com. The merch, the live shows, all the episodes. You guys recently have been emailing a lot asking for certain topics. You can always search the, um, the website for different topics. Yeah. Yeah. Our topic today is a little heavier one. We are going to talk about, uh, the loss of our house studio dog, do we, my dog. Um, and we're going to get to that. But we, we do have a things, a couple lighter things we're going to talk about up top and then then we're really going to dive into it. But I like that you brought that up that we have all these episodes because this is an episode and it's going to be our specific story with

Dewey, who is a part of this show and kind of some of the grief that I've dealt with and you've helped me through. But it is the loss of a pet. It's not the loss of a parent or, you know, a sibling or a spouse or something like that. And I think that we always want to tackle these topics for you guys. We had Kate Nichols on in the summer. She talked more about losing parents. Tune Day talked about losing parents. We have not lost parents or siblings or spouses or partners, but we always want to bring on guests to talk about this stuff. Losing a partner or a spouse or a fiance or whatever it is is like really a topic that we want to talk about. And it is a grief that we have not experienced. We know a lot of you listeners have and you message us. And so I just want to

put it out there. You know, like this stuff is always on our list. Like, we rarely get a request for a topic that we haven't already thought about. And then that's not like on this like running list of stuff we have. And a lot of time it's just about finding the, um, the perfect guest. I mean, of course, we wanted to do an episode on sexual assault for a year or two even, maybe before we found Britney Piper and the same with abortion. Like for, to me, there's no room for air with, with topics that that important. So it's like a massive. of like finding the right person to speak on it. So a lot of these times if you're like, God, why haven't they touched on this or this? A lot of the heavier stuff, like we're like,

we do want to get to it. It's just a matter of like doing it justice. Some of those topics we probably, we may only do them once or twice. And so it's like we really have to like not fuck it up. Yeah. So our content is very important to us that you guys like and it resonates to you. And then we're not giving advice about stuff that we've never experienced. You know, in this episode, you know, I've never lost anyone really close to me, even like a pet. And so I think that, you know, in this episode, I'll come from the place of how, you know, I think is important to support somebody going through grief. Yeah. Because I'm not going to speak on something or pretend that I've experienced something that I haven't. Yeah. And we can only speak on our own experiences and

we'll get to it. Every type of grief is different. There's a spectrum. But anyway, before we get to it, what we have a LeBron James? Let's talk about LeBron. Oh my God. There's a situation that happened this week. Yeah. So we're recording this on February 2nd. This just happened. It's probably going to be old news by the 8th when this comes out. But like, let's pop off about it. This girl and her husband, been and when I say a girl, I mean, she's 25 and he's 60. Probably, yeah. His Instagram name is Daddy, appropriately.

And she had some work done. You know, listen, live your truth. If you want a whole new face, buy it. You know, like, whatever. I don't care. I bought a whole new face, actually. No, you did. Oh, my God.

I brought a 50% new face. But she popped off on LeBron so hard and then popped off on her Instagram so hard. She's like, no one's going to talk to my man. And LeBron was like, sit down. And LeBron was like, sit down. And he was like, get out of here. And I was like, you get the fuck out of it. out of here. I'm like, oh, you're so brave. You are so far ahead of yourself. Anyway, so this happened

at a basketball game. Let's back up. Let's tell the story. This girl and her husband went to a Lakers versus Hawks game. So in Atlanta, they went and there was courtside, which is like, that's not a big deal right now. Everybody's court side. There's like five people in the arena, but five rows of people. So anyway, apparently her husband doesn't like LeBron, whatever. And then so her husband popped off to LeBron, which is like a hecklers are a pathetic breed of people. You show up to somebody's work and start yelling at them for something you could never dream of doing in your life. Sports, comedy, it's pathetic. Hecklers are gross. So I guess her husband heckled LeBron. LeBron came back because he gets emotional. He does not give a fog. LeBron, he shows what he's feeling.

I respect it. Listen, he's rich enough to do whatever he wants. And then the wife jumped in and now it turned in this whole thing. They got ejected from the game. LeBron has since said he didn't really need them to get ejected, but that's what the refs decided to do. But this, This girl is something else. And her husband, I know that name from Atlanta. It's this rich family, the Carlos family. They're like these billionaires. I remember like the Carlos Museum.

Like it's, you know, of the dad. And this is like the son who's now like 60. And it's his 25 year old wife. And her Instagram is something else. And they are still public for anybody to check them out. Like I feel like this is how she's realizing like she's going to make a name for herself. And by what stepping to LeBron? I mean, if you're going to do it, that's how you do it.

I cannot. You know? It's so funny because there's like 20 people in the arena and you're like, I'm going to go off. I just don't understand being brave in situations where nothing's going to happen to you. Like it's not so brave. Like this man, this giant six foot nine man, he's not going to hit you. You're not in any danger. You're just popping off to this guy in a public setting where nothing bad's going to happen.

She's like, I'm a bad bitch. I hate it so much. Like there was a girl I signed in The Bachelor, which we'll talk about, that just she just had that a hole. her name's MJ and she's like I'm going to show her I'm a bad bitch it's like you're all the bachelor right there's 50 crew members there and nothing is going to happen literally it's like the girl that tried to fight you in an airport and it's my favorite story actually actually I should turn around and say what are you going to do fight me in an airport but like seriously you're not being tough where there's 30 security guards there and also I don't endorse even like

being tough or fighting or violence in the first place I don't think it's very funny when people men and women try to act all hard it's like okay you yelled at LeBron go off, I guess. But that reminds me, yeah. So The Bachelor this season, we'll just flow right into our wrecks, I guess. I just can't recommend The Bachelor enough. I really like this season. This last night was like this mean girl reckoning.

They like got rid of the mean girls. They got rid of this like really nasty, jealous, immature, like Donald Trump vibes kind of girl named Victoria. And then this other girl that was like kind of like her sidekick. And these girls just kind of got like, he let them go because they were like the shit. starters and the really dramatic, like, mean girls on the show. And I just, like, love to see it. It was, like, a real reckoning and just got a lot of the toxicity out of the house. I just like the season a lot. I'm finding it really entertaining. I think that he, Matt James, is so gorgeous and so hot that they're, like, extra thirsty for him. Plus, they've been in quarantine.

Oh, yeah. People are just extra crazy. And I love this girl. Katie. She's, like, kind of become, like, the hero of the household. And she's the one that showed up waving her vibrator around night one, came with her vibrator. And you were like, oh, she's going to be, like, gimmicky and corny. And like too sexual, you know what I mean? People just lead too much with like their sexual gimmicky stuff. Like, and she's not. She's like the voice of reason and she's like, I hope she's the next bachelor. So I'm just like really enjoying the season.

They're in Pittsburgh and Nemecol and Woodlands. Let me tell you. I spent so many winners in Nemecol and Woodlands. It is a beautiful resort. I used to go skiing there all the time. And my mom would stick me in the hotel room and go out to dinner with whoever it was she was married to at the time. It's so funny.

Nemecol and Woodlands. Hour and a half outside of Pittsburgh. All I think of is every single Monday, Jared Fried's recap, here we are back in Nema, Colin Falls, outside of Pittsburgh. Like, it's the same as like, here we are, back at the Lakinta. Okay, listen, I have an honest, I'm not admitting it to you, I'm meaning to everybody. I sort of fell off with Tasia season and I have not really gotten into Matt James' season. I know who Victoria is and MJ and those girls.

I'm honestly glad that they're gone because you're right. It's just, there comes a point at which I'm just like sort of over this like yellow and screaming and being terrible to each other just for Instagram followers. There comes a point where we can't reward this behavior. That's what I'm saying. Because I hate girls like that. We know girls like that. We've had girls like that.

Try to do shit to us that spread lies and rumors and just are mean and nasty. And they just try to hide under this guise of like, I just tell it like it is. It's like you're just a bitch. I hate people that say. I tell it like this. Yeah. These girls were really terrible. And there was a clear divide between like the mean girls and the normal, nice girls.

And so I appreciated the drama with Victoria. a few episodes. Like, we all like a little bit of drama. That's why we watch these shows in the first place. But I'm glad that they're gone because there comes a point where it's like, now it's like, by them getting roses and getting to stay, they're being rewarded by being terrible people. So I'm glad where they cut it off when they did. But yeah, I just, I'm like in the season. I recommend it not how to ache The Bachelor. And I might go home and watch it. Yeah, it's, I, it's an appropriate level of drama. They brought in a second batch of girls. All right. I got to. I feel like he really does like.

A few of the girls. I'm just really kind of into this girl, Michelle. I feel like she showed up and changed the game, and you saw what it was really like when he liked somebody. So I'm into it. All right. I will watch it maybe tonight because I have plowed through content lately. I'm rewatching The Sopranos.

I'm four seasons in. A timeless masterpiece. Can't recommend it out of it's one of the greatest shows of all time. Ashley and I have nothing in comic because she's never watched mafia movies or reality television. It's just not for her. I might start the Sopranos this year. I would die if you started the Sopranos.

But anyways. My last direct when we get into the episode, actually kind of ruined it for me, but that's okay. It's called A Promising Young Woman. It's on Amazon. It is $20 to watch it on Amazon, so it's not for everybody, but it starts Carrie Mulligan,

and she's just sort of like this vigilante justice executioner, and you find out why, and she's sort of fucking with all these men, and I was a little nervous to start it. I didn't know how terrible these situations with these men would go with McLevin. McLeaven's in it. McLevin makes it.

I mean, he's not a great guy. And Seth from the O.C. I think it's a really different movie. I love the way it's shot. I think the acting is really fantastic. I think the concept is really interesting. I've never seen anything like it. You and I've gone back and forth.

We've had a spirited discussion. And I don't know. I might hate it. I can decide, but I loved it. I actually thought it was a really good watch. It was really different. I really enjoyed Carrie Mulligan's performance. I did too.

I thought she was great. The show was created by, or the movie was created by women. Margot Robbie is a producer on it. So, I mean, I got to love that. The reason why it's $20 is because it was supposed to be made for theaters. There are movie theaters, I guess, that are open and it's being shown in some of them. But if not, it's $20 now. It won't be in a couple months.

You know what I mean? Like, that's just what it is to rent it now. We can't really talk about it without, like, giving it away, like, what it's really about without spoiling it. And we just don't really feel the need to, like, tell you there's a spoiler alert and then recap it because we just don't feel like that many people have seen it. So maybe we'll touch back in a couple weeks. You guys should watch it. I do recommend it. I, if I were in charge, I would have done it a little bit differently, but it's not my art.

So that's, you know, I respect it. I respect what they made. I do recommend watching it. I don't really know any of my friends that haven't liked it. So I don't think you're going to not like it. I just think there was things that like I wish would have happened and been done differently. And that's all I have to say. We were giving in our stamp of approval.

Yeah, it was great. Listen, $20 is a lot to spend for somebody. But I think also I just thought of it as like a night out and that's what I would spend on a night out. Okay. I have one more. I'm reading a book. Which you didn't even tell me that you're reading a book. I know.

Sorry. I've been keeping it from you. So it's called Party of Two. It is a contemporary romance rom-com type book by Jasmine Galore. And this is recommended from, she's New York Times best-seline author. And this was recommended by Grace and Becca, too, about on paper. We've had them on our show. They have great book recommendations.

And it's about this woman. She's a lawyer. And she meets this senator in L.A., like an eligible hot senator for California. And it's an interracial relationship. She's black. He's white. And I will say I'd get a little bit of like a scandal vibe because, yeah, she's this black, successful woman. He's this white politician. But her name's also Olivia. So I'm like, I was like,

why does this feel like scandal? And I'm like, maybe because the lead character is named Olivia. So, but no hate. I mean, make all the books and whatever based on scandal. Scandal, scandal is incredible. So I really like it. It's light. It's an easy read. It was just like, I was always, I've been trying to like fill the void of one to watch for, that I read this summer, which was probably one of my favorite, like, light, fun, romancey books. Also recommended by Grace and Becca, and I've just been trying to fill that void and feel that rush again. So this is, like I said, it's a good read. There's some sex scenes. They're not too graphic, but they will make you feel some kind of why.

Do you masturbate to it? Yeah. Okay. I mean, you can. Like, they're not, it's not sort of like, it's not a 50 shades. It's not even like an idea of you. It's not really sex heavy. But the scenes come out of nowhere.

There's enough description for you to be like, oh shit. Sometimes I just need a whiff of it. Like a whiff of a description. There's a hot whiff. Like there's somebody goes down on somebody else and they talk about it. That turns you on? I feel like that would never turn me on. You just wait because there's food involved.

You're going to love it. Party of two. Honestly, I was having a hard time this morning sourcing masturbation content because I haven't been masturbating that much lately and we do have a great episode about like your body. and masturbation coming up. So I got like a little turned on from that, from the woman that we talked to. And I was trying to like source more masturbation content. But it's because I haven't been out on these streets.

It's cold. It's too cold. I haven't been fucking, I haven't like fucked since last night's sex was New Year's. Sound that just came out of your body. I'm like kind of same. I had sex on December 30th. I haven't even talked about it. It's not worth talking about.

Well, because last week we talked about all the guys. Friends own girl voice piece of shit. He's piece of shit. He's piece of shit. People are going to idle them. I'm just not ready. I'm kidding. You're going to go through enough during this episode.

You can give them this another time. Yeah, we'll talk about another time. No, I just, I, I, I, fuck this guy. It's whatever. It wasn't anything to write home about. But I just wanted to get one under my belt before the end of the year. Yep. Listen, I'm glad you did.

It's important. Okay, those are our Rex, promising young woman, party of two by Jasmine Galory and The Bachelor. And the sopranos. And the sopranos. Yeah. We're going to put that on Instagram. And also LeBron.

All right. Okay. So I just want to say about this episode, I'm mostly just going to give you the floor, you know, and I want you to have this time to talk about your experience. I'm not going to pretend that I've ever lost anything really important to me because I haven't. I want you to talk about it. And being by your side and oddly a few other people in my life that have gone through some pretty serious trauma recently,

I feel like I've learned a lot about how to support other people and just how to help people deal with grief. And so I'll talk about it at the end. but we're excited to do this episode and to hear your story and to talk more about doing. And so you just, you have the floor. No, thank you. I mean,

Raina, you, like, thought you were going to spend your life with somebody and they ended the relationship. I mean, that's, it's, it's grief.

I mean, I know you know that. I'm not trying to bring it up. But like, you know, I think there's so many different types of grief and trauma. Yeah. And like,

that was something you went through the, a lot of people haven't been through that, you know, so it's like, you know, I never want it to come across. Like, I haven't been through anything hard in my life. Like, you have.

Oh, no. I guess in my mind, I haven't lost something that is not replaceable. And I know that relationships, each one is unique and different. I've watched a lot of people go through some pretty serious trauma. A friend of mine is going through a bad breakup and a divorce, a different person. But, you know, I've learned a lot about how to be there for people and how to ask them what they need and how to give it to them. And I think that if you haven't lost somebody in your life, you know people that have and you want to support them. Yeah.

And it's, I think you and I have just been talking so much about, grief and the different kinds of it. And we'll talk more about that later in the episode. But yeah, I mean, I am going to talk about losing my pet today. And I mean, this is a podcast about relationships and the relationship that you have with a pet is really significant. And, you know, it hurts when it, when it ends. So, you know, for those of you, most of you guys probably know, but for those of you who don't, I lost my dog. Dewey. This episode, this comes out on February 8th, and he actually passed on January 8th. So we're one month out. It's just significant. I got him on February 4th, 2009. I had him for, oh my God,

I cannot, I got to keep it together. I had him. So I had him for 11 years and 11 months, a little over. I almost had him for 12 years. That would have been, you know, four days ago at this point. And I talked about a little bit, you know, I just, I'll, I'm not going to get into my whole long story of Dewey, but as you guys probably know, if you listen to this podcast, like he was my companion, he was like the love of my life. He was a part of the show. When I got him 12 years ago, I didn't even really like dogs that much. Like, I wasn't, I wasn't different. I was kind of like you. I lived with the roommate. She had a dog. I didn't really care of her dog that much. I mean, he was kind of, whatever. He was fine. But I just, we had a fan.

family dog growing up that like I loved obviously but I wasn't that into him like I just wasn't really an animal person and I think people find that hard to believe because I became like a crazy dog lady and it just is like it wasn't on my radar you know I was in my it was like 24 25 whatever and I fell in love with this dog this dog that needed a home I quote unquote fostered him on February 4th I decided by February 6 he was mine forever you know I just I fell in love at first sight with this animal like I can't explain it anything other than that like I didn't want a dog. I didn't care about dogs.

I didn't even know how to take care of a dog. I didn't know how much they were going to cost. I didn't know how much they ate or what anything. Like I was like, you know, trying to figure it out as I went. And I just say that to be like this was just like my soulmate. I know that sounds so cheesy. But like I, you know, I was so broke when I adopted him. And we went through so much.

You know, I've talked with this on Dr. Lisa Littman's podcast that she has with her boyfriend, Richie Redding. They've both been on our show and they have a podcast called We Don't Deserve Dogs and Lisa was Dewey's vet. So she'll come up a lot and she's a close friend of mine, even closer now. But some of the stuff I talked about in their podcast was just my first year with Dewey was a real struggle. He had this crazy separation anxiety. He would literally break through the windows at my old house when I would leave. He got kicked out of all these daycares in Atlanta. Things were costing me money. I didn't have any money. I was putting them on my credit card. I was going in debt because

of him, but it obviously got better and it was all worth it. And, you know, being his mom just made me a more responsible patient, better person. And I loved him so much. He was like the love of my life. And I can't imagine not having him. You know, we lived in five different homes together in Atlanta, New York, not even including when I've like lived with my parents. And, you know, it's just so crazy. Like having him, I would say 25 to 35, like I had him for those years of my life. I'm, just picking that decade. I've had him out, you know, I had him for almost 12 years, but like, that is probably the time of the most drastic changes in your entire life. Like, if you really think about it, like, I feel like I was just still kind of a kid, a young, really young adult and my

like younger 20s when I got him and just like, I grew up with him. I just, I became a different person with him by my side almost every day for 12 years. Like, it's just, I don't know what it's, I just am still trying to figure out my life, like without him, you know, Like I don't, I've had to, you know, aside from the times when I've traveled, I like would wake up every day and walk this dog. Like he's been by my side every day. Like it's the void is like kind of unbearable at times. And I'll talk more about that. But I'm just kind of like figuring out what it's like to like not be with this animal. You know what I mean? Like a companion that you have for 12 years for long fucking time. And so I feel pretty good right now. You know, obviously, I'm taught we took this took a little bit of time for us to do this episode.

I'm able to talk about it without like not like totally breaking down. But we know you guys loved him. Raina, the whole in the house studio with us and Dewey was Raina just one day said it. Like, and it became a tag. Like I don't, I didn't ever think that.

You said it. You made him a part of the show. You know, you loved him so much and he's really, you know, we sell merch and with him on it, he's just a part of girls got to eat. So I do feel like we kind of like,

oh, you guys to talk about what happened. And I'll, you know, I'll try to just like make this as quick as possible. But I think people are just, you know, out of curiosity. I mean, I don't need to get into like all of the details. Dewey was diagnosed with

cancer, prostate cancer in early November. He was having accidents in the house, which he never did his entire life. He was kind of straining to pee on his walks. I got him checked out. We did an ultrasound. You know, long story short, he did have cancer. Again, I rescued him. I think he was about a year old when I got him. So that would have made him like close to 13 years old. He could have been older. He always looked great. So who's really to say? But, you know, know, when I found out he had cancer, I was so crushed. I mean, Dr. Lisa has been alongside of me, like, you know, holding my hand virtually this entire along the way. She's the one that walked me through all this. She's consulted me on every single thing I've done. She's the one

that calls with the news. You know, she isn't at my, she wasn't at the vet at the animal hospital because she's like a traveling vet, but she was the light, the liaison between them. So she was the one that was always telling me what was going on and keeping me in the loop and figuring not how to do this. And I mean, when she told me that he might, that he might have cancer and that he could have like six months to a year to live, like it was so crushing. I just, I didn't, I thought we had years left. You know, he looked great. He had so much energy. Like, I really thought I had so much longer with him. And that was, it was devastating. You know, that first night I realized like the, the reality of the situation. I just like laid on his bed with him and cried and was like,

this is like the beginning of the end. And so he was diagnosed with cancer. And, And we started treatment, which at first with this medicine, it's an N-Set. It's called paroxicam if you're interested in it was working wonders. Like his bathroom habits were back to normal. I was like, oh my God, this is magic. Everyone was like, okay, he's really responding to this. He's not too far gone. Like, this is great news.

And so, you know, after so many discussions and conversations and with Dr. Lisa and an oncologist, he had an oncologist as well. She's one of the best in the city. We plan to start chemo. We actually only did two rounds of that. But for anyone who's curious, chemo for dogs, it's not like chemo for humans. You know, they don't suffer through it. Most dogs don't have side effects at all.

The ones that do are pretty minimal. And then you can dose adjust the chemo. It can ultimately it can really only help. It can't hurt, especially with a dog who was really healthy in every other way, which Dewey was. So he was like a good candidate for it. They don't get sedated. It's quick and easy. They're in and out.

You know, my only goal was to try to extend his life while not diminishing his quality of life at all. we all just collectively wanted to try to shrink his cancer, get his bathroom habits back to manageable and give him some more time. And I had the money to do this. And I wouldn't have had the money eight, nine years ago. I don't know what I would have done. I know this is like so painful for so many people to make these decisions, especially when they can't afford it. And if people don't want to pursue that treatment or they can't, that's absolutely understandable and it's fine. And you know, look, I did it and something else came along and he died anyway. So I'll get to

that. But I say that just to say that there are no guarantees. And Lisa would always say to me, you can't make a wrong decision. She would be like, I know how much you love this dog. You want what's best for him. You're putting him first always like you can't make a wrong decision when you really love your animal and you have their best interests at heart. And, you know, to be completely honest, those two months were really hard on me. You know, all those decisions I had to make, the vet visits during a fucking pandemic. You can't even go in the building with your dog, you know, getting him in the car. and, you know, we had we had good days and bad. I feel like that's what you say about anyone who has cancer.

You know, there's good days and there's bad days. And there were definitely enough good that we wanted to pursue treatment. But there were some really bad ones. I mean, he was in diapers off and on. I was just constantly figure out how to manage this like urination situation. There was a week where he had to go out every two hours during the night. I wasn't sleeping. I mean, Raina knows I was just so exhausted.

I was so stressed. And I knew that wasn't sustainable. But he still had so much life and energy left. you know, none of that had changed. He was still going to the park, running around, living his best life. And then we found it after the first round of chemo that his prostate had shrunk. And so it was working. You know, we were just like, oh my God, like it's happening. You know, this is really working. If you saw him at Christmas, he was running around. He was living his best life. So there was so much hope, you know, I thought I would see Christmas 2021 with him.

He was just so lively. It was just a real roller coaster. And like I said, you know, it was really hard. And you know, and you guys didn't know this. I never posted about him having cancer. I, for a few reasons, I, I didn't want unsolicited opinions, really. And I also just didn't know how long he was going to live. We all thought he might live another year. And so it's like, I didn't want to tell people he was sick and have them think that every time they saw him. You know, you guys saw him. He was really doing pretty well most of the time. So I just didn't really post about it. I didn't, my friends and my family knew and I felt really supported, but it wasn't something that I posted on social media. So I know this kind of came out of nowhere for a lot of people.

So, yeah, I mean, everything seemed to be going well, right on track until it wasn't. And, you know, on, oh my God, on Friday, January 8th, you know, I woke up and I knew something was really wrong. And I rushed him to the hospital and he spent the day in there. It was awful. I was at Raina's at one point in the day. I was just a fucking mess. You know, I, he was just like not he was not responsive. I'd have a friend come over and help me carry him into a car. It was like the, it was the worst day of my entire life. And we thought it might be a blood clot. Then we realized later in the day that he had had a kidney that ruptured. And when they went in, they did a more in-depth scan called a CT scan, which is even more intense than an ultrasound. And it is very expensive.

And they realized that the cancer had spread. So they couldn't operate. And, That was it. And like, I got that call at 6 o'clock and like he was gone by 7. So I didn't have a choice, you know, I think some people agonize over this choice of whether you put your dog down. And my feeling was always like, as long as Dewey has energy and life left, he's, I'm keeping him alive and I'm going to do what I can. The second that I feel like his quality of life is diminished, I will choose to put him down if it comes to that. I'm not going to keep him alive for me if he's suffering. And that's another thing Lisa always says. She says sometimes we suffer so they don't have to.

And I knew that if it came to that, that that would happen. And she also said, it's better a day too early than a day too late. So I was always like, I really hope I don't have to make this decision, but I'll know when it's right. And I think we always know when it's time.

And I didn't have to make that decision. So in some way, I guess I'm a little bit grateful that I didn't have to. And the decision was made for me. that the most humane thing and right thing to do would be to put him down and end that suffering. And I just like called, I called Raina and I was like hyperventilating. And I mean, she just had to come pick me up in a car. I was like, I could barely, I couldn't call an Uber.

I just called her. I was like hysterical sobbing. She came and picked me up. And we went to the animal hospital and we said goodbye. Well, Raina said goodbye. And then she left the room and waited for me out. outside and I was with him for the last moments of his life. And I don't know, more a heartbreaking thing. And I'm just so glad you were there. You know, I was like crying

with Lisa on the phone of like, can my mom get here? Like, do we have like hours? Like, you know, but it's also COVID. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I don't want my mom coming into New York. Like, I just was like, I, she was like, you know, I'm going to call them and I'm going to make sure Raina can go. Like, she's like, if I have to go down there and start, like, yelling, I'm going to make sure Raina can be there with you. She's family. You know, we had to put on, like, fucking full hazmat suits.

It was not ideal. I'm covered in snot. We were wearing masks, wearing gloves. It was a sight to see. It was, it was a, I'm just, I can't imagine you not being there. Like, I just, I couldn't, I couldn't have done it without you. Like, I'm just so glad that I had you. And, you know, that was the worst night of my life.

you were just like, I feel like you didn't want to let me go home alone. Like, you just can be like, okay, but can you come over? Do you want me to come with you? Like, what do you want to do? Can we get food? I was like, I just need to like be alone. And I, I, um, I came home and like, that was the most like manic I ever felt. I felt like outside of my body.

I was just, I walked in the door. I fell on the floor. I was like the only, I could call my mom. I was like, I was crying and I was screaming. And I just was like, I've never felt like this. I've never felt this pain. I don't know. I've never felt this feeling and this is so new to me. And I cried myself to sleep. My head was throbbing. I just didn't know what to do with myself. You know, I felt like an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe he was gone. It was just like unbelievable pain, like just debilitating grief. And my friend Emily calls it a tidal wave of grief. And I'm like, that's what it is. It feels like you're drowning. Like I was like, I feel like I'm gasping for air.

And I woke up the next morning and I felt a little bit better. And I started to tell people and I just felt like so everybody was just not everybody. I told people like, you know, one by one by one and kind of like in stages. Obviously my family knew, my close friends knew. And I just felt so supported. You know, the more I started to tell people, shit just started to roll in, the flowers, cookies, you know, people just calling. And people like, do you want me to call you? Do you not?

you know, everybody was really sensitive about it, um, into what would, to what I wanted. And, um, you know, I, I cried a lot,

but I, it started to get less and less. Um, I got in the Peloton that day. I don't know how. And I got some of it out that way. And I just felt like I kind of had to have this like pain leave my body. And,

um, you and two other friends came over that night and it was really special. I just wanted to be around people the night before. I really needed to be alone and just like, melt down. guess and, you know, to have you guys just feel that I felt like the love around me and I started to feel a little bit better. And, you know, every day has gotten a little bit easier. You have been so wonderful. You've invited me to everything that you've done. Like the next day you were like,

do you want to come to Brooklyn? I was like, yeah. Like it just, I wanted to be around people. I mean, not large groups of people because it's a pandemic. But that's another thing too. Like this was so much harder because of the state of the world. You know, I couldn't have all my girlfriends come over and like, you know, cheer me up. And it's just you can't do the things. that you may normally want to do when it comes to being around people. And I was just like, that made it hurt more. You know, I think we're all really hitting a wall with the pandemic. And it's just like to have this on top of it, I was, you've got to be fucking kidding me, you know.

But all this time, like, the thing that has gotten me through has truly been my friends and my family and, like, even people on social media. You know, it took a good week for me to post on social media. But everybody was checking in daily, you know, I couldn't keep up with. with the flowers. Like I just, it was like, I felt like when I was so engulfed in love, it was harder to feel sad. And like, I just felt like so surrounded and so supported. I went and I stay with a close friend for a while. She really took care of me for like a week. You know, we just, it was really healing. We went on walks and we cooked dinner and we just stayed in. We drank wine and

played with her dogs. And it was just really special. And then when I got back here, I kind of had a hard time again. So I have good days and bad. You know, I came back here and I came back to an empty apartment and that was the first time that that had happened. I, you know, kind of cried for two days. We had to push back our recording and, you know, I called Lisa or I texted Lisa. I said, I'm having a really hard time and she called me right away and she was like, you know, grief comes in waves and like we think that there are these stages of grief where you like move through them and you kind of conquer one and it's anger and then it's, you know, it's not really. For everybody. And it's certainly, she was like, that has not been my experience with me and with other

people losing pets. It, like, comes out of nowhere. And it felt almost so validating to be like, I'm not crazy, you know, because I felt like I was doing really well. You know, I hadn't cried in a week. And then I just couldn't, like, you know, I felt like I was drowning again. And I just, I love that she said that it's like not always linear. It's not these like stages of grief that you move through and you're like, on to the next. And then I'm going to be good. Like, I just, it can come out of nowhere and it can hit you out of nowhere. And like, I miss Dewey so much every day. Like, I, it's just, it's, that's why you need your friends and your family.

And that's why, like, you just need these people that understand and that, that get it and that they're there for you. And for me, that was like the single most important part of the healing process. And that's, we're going to talk a little about that today. But it's just like, this is why you build the life with these people around you, because when you really need them, they're there. And they, like, actually help you through it. And so, you know, you could have your dog as your best friend and your

companion in your life, but then your dog dies. And like, who else do you have? And it's like, I have you and all my, you know, I just, I can't say it enough. Like, it made me feel more loved and supported than ever before. And that's where I'm at right now. I'm going to give the floor back to Rana. I've talked for entirely too long. I want to talk a little bit about what other things I've done to heal when it comes to dogs, you know, how I've kind of memorialized Dewey, but I'm going to take a break and have some water and I let you talk. No, I thought. I was riveted. And I was there.

That was too long. It's not too long because it's a tremendous loss. It's something that's very hard. And I think that you also feel really proud of the people around you, that you have all these friends and all this love. And for me, like, it was so, it was so tough to see somebody that I love so much in so much pain. And, you know, I got in the car with you.

And I didn't know what to do. Like, I always should, like, hold your hand. And then I was holding your hand. You kept getting phone calls and text. At one point you go, okay, I'm going to give your hand back now. Like you were like, what do I do? Because you know, I don't like to be touched. So you were like, should I touch her shoulder?

Like I think you like put your hand. I'm like, my knee. You're like, who should I? What is going? You know, I think that you don't know what people need in those moments. And I think it's like really okay to admit that, you know? And it's okay to just be there and sit next to somebody and just cry and listen to them cry. And, you know, I thought a couple of things.

I thought about what would I want in those situations? because I've had four, four times in my life, I felt like I was in so much pain, I was going to die. You know, my father was hospitalized last year. It was the worst day of my life. You and I have had some pretty bad stuff happening this summer. My fiance left me off. I thought, you know, what released the valve for me a little bit?

Also, you know, who can I ask that's been through something like this? So when I was, when you were saying goodbye to Dewey finally, and I contacted Lisa and I said, like, I don't know what to say to her. Like, I don't know how to provide this coming. It's a dog. I've never had a pet before. I understand it's like losing a family member, but I can't relate to it in a sense because I've never had it.

And you can feel really helpless when you see somebody you love so much and so much pain. And I think that I've learned so much in the last month watching people support you and seeing other people that I'm friends with go through a lot. But there's a million avenues to supporting somebody and being there for them and loving them and everybody needs different things. But just showing up has been so wonderful. And there's not one person that's like, sent you a text or a bouquet of flowers or soup that you thought was annoying and not helpful.

You know, I think it's just, it's really important to just be by somebody's side and you'll feel out what they need. And I read this quote that was really interesting to me and it helped me to just sort of like, I guess, understand what you're going through a little bit. Because I, you know, I also am a very like research-based person. I'm very fortunate. We've had a lot of psychiatrists on the show, but I wanted to research, you know, how do I support somebody the best way? I read this thing about grief and it said there's no typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.

So there's no normal timeline. There's no more way to deal with it. I try to not judge how other people experience grief. And I just really wanted to be there for you in the best way. And the best way I could was to just listen and be there. And even the next day you texted me like a silly joke on Saturday and I was like so proud of you that you want to like send me a meme or something. And I said to you, you know, is this okay? Can we talk about this stuff?

you know, because I didn't want to talk about a bunch of nonsense and bullshit. I think it's sex in the city when they're in Mexico and she's like, well, I have her laugh again. And they're like when something's really funny and the Charlotte shits her pants. All right. So I want to talk about Raina for a little bit. Great. One thing that you did with me was you were the grief gatekeeper. So it got to a point where I said who sent me soup and you go, well, all gifts are supposed to come to me.

have this on the list. The amount of times I sent your address to somebody and then I was like, I was like, okay, what kind of wine do we want this week? Yes. Kind of flowers. What kind of gifts? Yeah. It was, yeah. And I mean, I got, God, the flowers were incredible, but I mean, gosh, gift ideas, guys. I got, I got so many flowers. Kate sent me a blanket because we always joke that she, like, rolls me up what I need. She, like, rolls me up like a burrito. She's like, I'm just going to roll you up and, like, take care of you. She touched me for like my breakup. This incredible soup. I got from Ashley Spivey. someone did like a tree planting in honor of Dewey with the Arbor Day Foundation.

Some people donated to charity. Like, I'm just throwing these out for like ideas that are different and unique. Cookies, Levine, Levan. Oh, my God. Wine, obviously, Lisa sent wine that the next day. So how big was the photo that Francis sent you this time? Oh, my God. Francis said flowers.

But speaking of photos, so many. I got a lot of fan art. But, you know, it's not about the gifts. It's not about the things. It's not that I need to have a apartment full of flowers and drawings and cookies and whatever else. Like it's just that someone's thinking of you. Like someone took the time to send you something because they wanted to brighten your day. Like it's, it is really like when the, it is really the thought that counts when it comes to stuff like this.

Of course, but the things and the gifts are great too and obviously so appreciated. And Raina as my partner had to kind of manage all of this, which of course I would do the exact same thing. something happened to you. You lost a family member. I better get as many bouquets of flowers. I'm being picked. The flowers were out of control. And from like men, and I thought it was so funny because it would be like Rob and Francis, but just them. It wasn't like Robin, Allison, or Francis and Sierra. Just them. Nope. That's for me. Like Kate said Jay is sending a gift that he won't let anybody be part of it. They had other people. Who want the credit? They want the credit. But I felt so loved. But, you know, you don't have, everybody didn't have my address. They didn't,

they needed to go through you. And like, they're not to a point where I was. is like apologizing to you because I was like, Raina, I'm so sorry. Like you have should do too. And like, you know, all you're doing is like coordinating people wanting to, you know, be there for me. But it was just really nice. And I think that like that person is sometimes, you know,

especially if someone you do lose a parent or whatever it is. Like it's, it's nice to have that person to be the gatekeeper. So you don't get so overwhelmed at a time when you're grieving. And it's fine to lean on them. I think that it's not an experience I've ever, I have a very easy time leaning on people and asking for help if I need to, but I know that it is not everybody's first inclination to do it. And I mean, from my end, I didn't care at all. Like, well, first I had nothing going on that. You know, I'm fine right now. So I got time. But it was, I like being leaned on. I like talking to you about these things. And I like the people love you, wanted to do

nice things for you. And I was like very, very happy to do it. And I know that I'm not your romantic partner, but I think that we've talked a lot about how, like, you should strive to have a partner that wants to do those things for you. And it was no burden to me because it made me happy to know that it would make you happy. And that's, I think, how you should feel. Yeah, it was, it was, like, beyond appreciated. Also, I just want to say this while we're here, like, every, every type of grief is different, you know, this is about me and my experience and I'm not comparing it to losing a parent or, God, losing a spouse or losing a child at all. But for some people, the grief can feel the same. You know, I think the very first time I heard Guy Wynch talk on another podcast was about this man. I'm

almost positive. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty positive is about this guy that he had lost a parent and he had lost, then years later, lost his dog and the grief was so much greater for him with his pet. Everybody is a different experience. All, the only point I want to make is I'm not that person that someone would say, I've lost my parent. And I'm like, I know when I lost my dog. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, it's so different. It's like you, that's like you saying like, like, my fiance left me and someone's like, I know, girl, when I got ghosted last week from this guy, I dated a couple times. Like, it's, it's different. And if you feel like it's the same, then fine. I think this can help in a lot of ways, just talking about grief in general, but I'm not making a

comparison. My pain and my grief is manageable. I think that there is pain and grief that is completely unmanageable for a long period of time. And that is something like losing a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a best friend, you know, like it's, it is a little bit different. So I just, I need to make it crystal clear that this is just about my experience. We're going to talk about different things, but I'm not really comparing. I don't think that, I didn't take that from anything you said. And we always say on the show that like pain is not a competition and your pain is just as real to you as another person's. And of course, like we said, I haven't lost something that is irreplaceable, but I've gone through like serious trauma. And what I've learned through this is that everybody deals

with it really differently and everybody needs really different things. And you've been amazing. I feel really lucky to have a business partner that would never, like, leave me in the lurch, refuse to work, refuse to record. But if that's what you wanted, I would support it too. You know, like I just, this isn't like a competition to see how fast you can get over this. And also I encourage people when you know somebody who's going through grief to not make it some kind of competition. Well, I went through this thing and compare it to yourself. And of course, I know people are trying to give advice and say, well, when I went through this thing, this is how I dealt with it. But I think the most important thing to do in these situations is

just listen. Yeah. And I, you know, above, all is like just showing someone that you care. This is applies to me. This applies to anybody. Again, everybody's different, but I feel like this is pretty universal and sending just that text of like, I'm so sorry, I'm thinking about you, you don't have to respond. The amount of people that just said that came out of nowhere, I mean, I heard from everybody I've ever known pretty much. Just just were like, you don't have to respond, but I'm thinking of you. It means a lot. I know sometimes you think this isn't going to matter, but it matters. Like, it matters so much.

Like, it just does. And I think some people think it's too early. And to me, it's not too early. Like, I told people in waves, so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. But, like, I think some people are like, I don't want to bother her or, you know, whatever. And it's like, you're not bothering me by telling me, I'm thinking about you. You don't have to respond.

Like, it just, it means so much. I just don't think there's a wrong way to tell somebody I'm thinking about you and I'm sorry and I'm here if you need anything. And, you know, Ray and I had this discussion of like, when it does come to your best friends, your inner circle, your family members, like, what's the appropriate way? And I think that actually being there showing up, not just saying, tell me what I can do for you because they're not going to, you know, like, you don't want to create work for somebody that's grieving and like, tell me what I can do for you. No, I don't know. If someone, you're close friends, like, you do kind of know what they need. You know, if somebody really loses their spouse or their parent or

whatever it is, like, show up and walk their dog or, you know, tell them you're coming over and you're taking the garbage out or send them food, you know, those people that are really in that deep, dark, unmanageable grief, like, are not thinking to cook meals, you know what I mean? And I think sometimes, yes, find out if it's okay that you show up, if it's okay that you send food, but I think sometimes, like, tell me how I can support you. I don't know. Like, there's a little bit better way to do it, I think, because like the person that's grieving isn't going to be like, you know what, I could actually do this. A lot of people don't like to ask for help in those situations. So I think it's a matter of like figuring out what this person needs and then just

letting them lead the way, you know, everybody's different. If somebody says, if somebody says, I really do want to be alone. I promise you. I appreciate you. You really do not need to let them be alone as well. Yeah. I think the only wrong way to support somebody is to not bother to do it. Yeah. I think that people really were genuinely concerned that they were going to bother you and people did express that to me. Is it okay if I reach out to her? You know, it's never exactly like you said, it's never going to heard to just say, I'm so sorry, you don't have to respond. You know, the only wrong way to support somebody is to not do it. I think it's perfectly fine to admit you're out of your league. I was completely out of my league. I've never lost a pet. It's perfectly fine to say, like, I don't know

what to do. I just want to listen. I just want to be here with you. I can't stress this enough. I'm like learning so much about how people want to be supported. I'm somebody very close to me is going through a divorce. I'm learning that what he wants to do is just talk about it every single night, but he wants me to call him. It's not my brother. So that's a baby. It's how he's my brother. He's not getting divorced. It's somebody very close to me. that person wants to know that I care. They want me to call them. They want to talk about it constantly.

Some people want hard truths. Some people don't. Some people just want you to show up. And like you said, just cook them dinner. But the only wrong way to do it is to not do it at all. And I think even if you've had a bit of a falling out

with somebody or you're in like a little bit of a tiff, you know, if you ever think you'll regret that in the future and not reaching out, then just send a one sentence text. Yeah. And it just, we're going to get to some of the ways that our listeners have expressed how they help their friends and family

who are grieving and what's what's helped them. And I just, I can echo this, like, checking in with people a week, two weeks, three weeks, a month down the road. Like, it's so important. It means so much. Like, the fact that I'm a month out and my close friends are still asking me, like, hey, how are you holding up? It means the world. I don't expect that from everybody. To me, this is not a, like, you'll know who your true friends are. I don't feel that way. I really don't. I think that we have our tight inner circle and that we have so many other friends other than that. I do not expect, like, all these people to keep checking in. I really don't. I can't stress it enough. But you're really tight inner circle. The fact that people are still asking that. It just means the world. Like I'm still like on their

mind and I'm like that too. You know what I mean? Like just checking in. I have a friend right now. She lost her father. We are not that close. But like just because I know I'm just like checking in with her and giving her a space if she needs to talk to me. It's not that we're not that close that I'm going to show up and like do her laundry. But like just knowing that people are thinking about and sending you love, whether it's with a text, call, voicemail, a card, flowers, a video on Instagram, whatever. You really do feel it. And it means the world, Dylan, he left me a two-minute voice message. It was so heartfelt. It was so thoughtful. Like, did it seem flirty at all? It was super flirty. He said, if you want to get together, no, he said you can cry on my broad shoulder.

I'm getting on my hairy chest. No, like, I'm trying to think, like, I don't want to make the statement that you can never say the wrong thing. I think you can. I think the wrong thing is, it happens for a reason. The wrong thing are all the idioms, right? It'll get better. It happens for a reason. I know that those things are well-intentioned. I'm not, I'm not like, you know, when you tell somebody it's going to get better, yeah, everyone knows it's going to get better. But like, I think that you can just acknowledge this fucking sucks. And yeah, I mean, you're telling somebody it'll get better, it's not a hot take. People know that in a year, they'll be fine. Well, people, if they ask, so I would never say it unprompted, you know, but I think that people want,

want to know it will. So if someone asks me, like, I'm, I'm hurting so much right now. I'm going to tell them, like, for me, it got better every day, like, almost to give a little bit of hope. But I think overwhelmingly the thing, and I think Heather McMahon talks about this, because someone referenced her in a text and a DM to me of like, fuck all this people that say it happens for a reason or something like that. I don't know who said it. Never say shit like that. Who would say something like that? For me, what helped was, and I guess along the vein of, if we, if we reframe, it's going to get better. You know, when my fiancee left me, it was important to me to talk to people who had been through a similar experience,

who'd been through a divorce, who had lost the most important person, romantic relationship in their life. It was important to me to look at other people and honestly felt like this did not kill them. They did not die. And I mean, you really feel like you're going to die sometimes because you're in so much pain.

I'm not comparing a breakup to the loss of somebody who loved, like a pet and a family member, but just knowing that other people really did survive this when you feel like you're not going to. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that when you're supporting something, somebody, if you're choosing to support somebody and show them your love, do not expect anything

in return. I think that, and I, there was one thing. There was like one comment from whatever, a stranger on the internet, something of like, why hasn't Ashley talked about this more? She basically she owes us. And I was like, I've, Raina got so mad. I think I'm more mad than you are. You were more mad than me. Like the thought and then someone else jumped in and was like, what are you talking about? Like, you're, you know, it was just someone stood up for me and, you know, I'm not going to tell you guys where this lives because you'll go find it. drag this person. But anyway, it was somewhere in the internet and it was, it was like, you don't really care. You want something in return. You know what I mean? Like, it's like showing

somebody's sympathy. So what you get recognized, like go into these things unselfishly and also just trying not to take anything personally because I think that, you know, we're a month out right now. Like I'm still going to have hard days and like I might be irritable or sad. And like it might really be because I'm like really sad that day because of Dewey, you know, and like just because someone really went through something really hard a month or two months prior. Like, it can still come and hit them. And so, like, just always keep that in mind. Like, I think that we always have a tendency to take things personally. Why is this person acting this way? Or why is their tone off? Or why aren't they responding to me? And it's like, I don't know. Could they be going through

something? Have they had a loss recently? Like, I think those things are just important to remember that it's like, you can't take it personally. And everybody grieves at their own pace in their own way. Try to follow their lead, you know. And, you know, I think that it's one of them, like the gold rule, you know, treat others the way you want to be treated, but, you know, you were, you kept apologizing to me one day because you're upset. And I said, dude, they'll come a time where something terrible happens to me and you'll support me like this. And I don't support you like this because, you know, I hope one day, you know, you'll be around. But I know that you will and it's a cyclical thing. Like, I've always felt supported by you.

I know you would do these things for me. I'm surrounded by people that would too. And this is not my time. You know, this is not my time to be upset and talk about me. I have a girlfriend who's going through a terrible breakup. She came over my house the other night for five hours and just cried and talked about herself. And I didn't, nothing about me came up for one second. It's okay. It's not my time. You know, I will have my time to talk and have problems and good things happen to me. It's not my time right now. Yeah, I know. You've just, you've just like been so incredible. I mean, there was just like, there was a couple days where like it had been two weeks and I had like a relapse and I just like, you know, it's when I came back and like I said and I just like couldn't

anything done. And there was like stuff to be done. And I just felt like you were just so great. Like you weren't expecting me to be better. You know what I mean? Like I was like, I'm really sorry. I know this happened two weeks ago, but like, I'm just not okay today. And you were like, you know what? Say no more fam. Like it's just sometimes it is it is that. And with romantic partners too, I think about an ex of mine, we lived together at the time. And he lost somebody. he lost a family member. And I felt a little out of my league. Like I was there for him,

as much as I could be, but I didn't totally know, you know, like one night he really just wanted to drink a lot of beers and like fall asleep in the couch, you know, and I don't, I think maybe he wanted to cry

and he didn't really want to like cry in bed with me. And I didn't, God, I didn't like start a fight, but I felt if I'm going to be honest, a little slighted. Like why didn't he want to be with me? Why doesn't he want to sleep in the bed with me?

and let me comfort him. And it's like he just didn't. And it's like he wanted to get drunk and be and sleep alone that night. You know what I mean? And like deal with his pain. And I think that if I'm trying to kind of give advice from something, I felt like I didn't really feel the right way that I should have, that I would feel differently now. But it's like trying to take those things personally. Like I kind of, I did take it personally. And I'm like, how, you know, that's a selfish way of thinking too. Like this person is dealing with a really serious loss. They can do whatever they want with that grief. and I just need to be here and accept it. And, you know, we've talked about this, too, of, like,

the level of uncontrollable sobbing hysteria. Like, I don't know. I don't know who can really handle that. My mom, I called my mom. Like, Lisa, like, you can't, you saw me all snotnosed and sobbing. But, like, I can't imagine if that was, like, my newer partner. I almost felt, like, lucky to be able to actually be alone in that moment. Because it's, if there's anything I can recommend the most,

it is to like let that pain out of your body. Like you have to let it out. You have to feel those feelings. You have to cry and scream and do whatever. And it is an uncontrollable amount of emotions. And like I hope that if anybody, you just have to let that happen. And I hope that you're not embarrassed in front of a partner to do it.

No, I think that what we were talking about before is the point is to just feel supported and support can come in so many different ways and different avenues. And you get support differently from different people, right? So, like, the girlfriend I have that's going through a really traumatic breakup, I'm not the girl that's going to probably sit there and be like, fuck him and he's a piece of shit. I'm a little more rational. I'm the kind of person that has years now of, like, psychological training and reading

these books and having people on our show and talking about trauma and rejection and heartbreak and I'm the person that's going to talk to you about those things. And that's the kind of support you can get from me. If you want somebody to sit there and be like, fuck this person, that's a different friend. And so just like in this situation, you're saying that there's friends that maybe like me, you just wanted some support to be the gay cute. people else you want to cry to, you know, you've different people for different things. But as long as you feel supported, I think that's all that matters. You've built the structure around you to have that.

Yeah, I totally agree. I got to tell you this DM, my God, I will never forget it. I like, I'm glad that this person said this. I feel really honored, but like I can't, I want to cry every time I think about it. This girl, oh my God, I can't. This girl sent me this DM and she said, I just said to put my dog down. And as he was like going, I, didn't know what to say. And I just said, say hi to Dewey for me. I will never recover. Why is that like this? Oh my God. I was like you were there with her. I know. Okay. So I want to share some things to wrap up that may help someone that's grieving with the loss of a pet. I mean, any type of grief it may help, but just kind of pet specific to my experience. So like I said, the

number one thing I can tell you, I think about grief of any kind, is to let it out your body. It lives in your body. It has to come out. Let it out. Obviously, sweating it out works for me, but like the crying, the screaming, like, whenever you feel the need, just like let that shit out. For me, I, like, love to look back and look at pictures and videos of Dewey, like, day one. Like, I know that's different with everybody. It's too hard for somebody, especially when it's, like, a human. But, like, for me, I'm just like, I love that he's memorialized in all these photos and videos, take all the photos and videos you can. I wish I had a five minute video of Dewey sleeping and breathing. I wish I would have taken it. I know that sounds creepy as fuck. I don't have it.

I wish I did. I have like shorter videos of him sleeping and breathing, but like I wish I had like a full video. Like I wish I just, I can't tell you enough. Like the limit does not exist. You have all these pictures and videos on your phone. Like put them on a hard drive, save them, whatever you need to do. I just really think that you're, you'll want those and you cannot have too many. I did get Dewey cremated. I have his ashes and this. like keepsake box and I'm going to spread some of his ashes at Dewey Beach on the fourth, which was his adoption day birthday. So I'll let you guys know how that goes next week. I think that'll be a really special thing to do and really say goodbye. I hung this painting of him. We did the Dewey

ride with Bobby Westside last night. Someone messaged me and was like, I just love that you're like memorializing him. And like I lost my dog recently. And I just, I want to be more like grateful like you are and like memorializing him than being sad. I'm like, no, you do. at all. Like be sad, be grateful. You know, I'm just trying to like, know that he's still with me, feel grateful that I had him for so many years and so many healthy years and just like, as cheesy as it is, like, look for those signs that he's always around me and just kind of like keep him in my heart. You know what I mean? Like I have those sad days. I have those hard days. I still cry. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I feel the void all the time. I mean,

I am alone now in my home. You know, you're not alone when you're in your home with your dog. And now he's not there. I would talk to him all the time. So it's tough. I have journaled. I really recommend journaling, just whatever, you know, memories of them or your grief process or whatever. Just put a pen to paper, you know, fingers to keys on your laptop and just really write some of this out. And there are resources like therapy resources and whatnot. There's a Instagram that Lisa recommended. The handle is Pet Loss psychologist, Dr. Katie Lawlor. She specializes in pet loss and grief. give that a follow. Some of the memes will make you cry.

So just make sure you're ready for it. But pet loss, psychologist. And just remind yourself that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. I mean, this is such a cliche now, but it's okay to not be okay. And know that and know that grief comes in waves. And eventually you can really just focus on your mind and trying to shift your mindset. We talked about that with Tune Day a few weeks ago. And that's, you know, where I am at is trying to really keep that,

keep a more positive outlook, just feeling that gratitude for the long life that I had with him and just knowing that he really is always with me. And eventually I will probably foster, maybe adopt, rescue another dog. Of course, I know that will never replace Dewey, but, you know, I'm so passionate about giving homes to dogs and need. And I do want to do that. I'm just not totally ready yet. So that will probably happen down the road. And for people that are ready right away and they want to get a dog soon after their dog passes to really fill that hole in their heart. I pass no judgment.

Everybody's really different when it comes to that. I just personally am not ready yet. And, you know, I got to let it be known that I am a foster fail. I fostered one dog that was Dewey. And I just don't. I know a lot of people. I'm not really sure I can do it.

I don't know how people give them back. I don't know. I think I'm like too crazy about. But the last thing I'll say is that I really love talking about Dewey. I love reminiscing with my friends and my family. the people that knew him. I love people sharing their memories of him. He was really so special. And the outpouring of love and support and people expressing their heartbreakover this, I think was a testament to, yes, me, people caring about me, but so much a testament to Dewey and just how much

joy he brought people, people that didn't even know him. I would get messages all the time of like, when I'm feeling really down or anxious, I'll just watch Dewey's highlight on Instagram. Like, that's just so crazy to me. He was just, he was so special. And I love that people still want to talk to me about him. I mean, we all know he was Raina's first time she walked a dog, you know, like, you can speak on that. You wouldn't, you told me I had to go home. You tried. But like, I just, I love talking about him. I love that you guys got to see him. I think it's insane that I had this dog that we would bring out on stage in front of 1,500 screaming people and he would just be like, whatever. Like, I just can't, I'm thinking about it all the time of like,

he was such a star. He was born to be a star. He would just walk out, 1,500 screaming. people. Strangers petting him. Chilling. Strangers petting him. And then he just popped right down and we did like a toast and everybody was screaming. Like there was no one like him. He would just be hanging out in the green room. He would, I would be like nowhere to be found getting my hair done. And he would just be like hanging out with people. Like he was the fucking coolest. And, you know, Matt, my brother has sent all these videos that I didn't know he had. And my parents are just like, you know, his old sitter, Caitlin has just, she'll find some video of her, like him running down the hallway when she was sitting for him and sent him to me. Like this stuff

means a lot. And I think sometimes people don't know if you want that. So it's always good to ask. You know, if someone's doing fine, you don't really want to send them like a picture of their dead parent or something. Like that's not probably the right thing to do. But like if they have said it's okay, like I said to Caitlin like send these anytime. You know what I mean? She was like, do you care if I send you like old photos and videos of Dewey as I find them. I'm like absolutely. I love them. You know, I want to remember him. I never want to forget his face. I never want to forget his little nose and his like light breathing at night. Like I just want him to live forever. And thank God for Instagram and their highlights, but like that's me personally.

I want to look at videos and pictures every single day and like feel like he's there with me. Good. I'll keep sending him to you. And I just, I want to say that like you've taught me a lot recently. And, you know, I've learned through a lot of this that there's no wrong way to grieve and there's no wrong way to support somebody that's grieving. And, you know, I was impressed by your poise through all of this and how much time you took and thought you put into it. If you decided to hop on Instagram outside of the vet that night and cry on Instagram story, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people want to grieve like that.

You didn't. I thought that you just really, you took a lot of time to think about this and process this. And I was really impressed the way you went through it. And how many people wanted to just like love and support you also. And you should be proud of that. This sounds weird. I think I've done a pretty good job, like, healing. And it's like with

the help of my friends and family. It's like the thing. I hadn't gone through something like this. And who you need them more than ever. So like we say all the time, like build this life of these people that you love and you support and then love and support you back and they will help you get through it when you're in need. I love you. And before we close out the duo conversation, my very favorite memory of Dewey ever was Town Hall last year at Christmas time. You sat him down, walked him out on the stage. We did a toast for everybody, 1,500 screaming fucking people and he just sat at our feet at our feet like a king. The king he is. Unbothered, not barking. People were just running.

running up just to touch him like he was Jesus. It really, it was a really special moment for us. Yeah. Well, should we, do you want to talk about what we're doing? Yeah. So to wrap this up, and this is your idea, and of course you guys like really delivered.

And we asked people that are going through grief how they've been supported or how they've supported somebody else. We obviously covered a lot of stuff in the episodes. We wanted to highlight the really funny, unique, different things you guys can do. You guys always, always deliver. So we just have like a lot of one-liners, good ideas, creative things you guys can do.

And always thank you guys. We love you and we love your support. So many of you have reached out and emailed us, message us, DM to Ashley. So thank you for that. Yeah. I said this a couple weeks ago. But I'm so, so grateful and thankful for you guys for like the snack heads. And like some of the messages were just so beautiful.

And they just were like all the snack heads like love you. Like it's just I felt so like loved by this community. like it was just such an outpouring. And again, I can't respond to everybody. And I'm sorry if I didn't get to them. But like it just there were they were all amazing. They were just all amazing. You know, people funny stuff about Dewey. Like and just, I don't know. It's cheesy. But like I like the people are like he's up there right now, you know, doing whatever. Like, yeah, like I just, it's, I don't know. I love it. I'm constantly amazed by our listeners and how smart and funny and cool and just fucking awesome you guys are. So thank you guys. Do you want to start? You want me to start? Yeah, I'll kick it off. I'll read a few and then we'll just switch back and forth. Okay.

Sending them affirmations every morning when they wake up every morning. You're a bad bitch. I love it. Food delivery gift cards because the last thing anyone who is grieving does is remember to eat that literally just reminded Jenny Jones sent me a $50 postmates I haven't used to that. Who's idea? Do you think that was? It was.

Gaykeeper. Jenny was like, Jenny was like, should I send our flowers? I was like, no, flowers are over. We've moved into the food.

delivery part of the grieving process. I was already wine from people. I was like, we like peanut noir and we like Muske Day. Don't worry about it. Oh my gosh. Okay. We're in a different state. So I had brunch delivered to both of us.

And we ate it together on FaceTime. That one really got me. Oh my God. I love that. Okay. I always ask, do you want comfort or solutions? That's a good way to ask. I like that.

How can I help you right now? I don't like because it makes somebody have to think and do work. But do you want comfort or solutions is a great way to put that. I think that sometimes I lean towards solutions. And I don't think anybody, like, I don't think everybody wants that or needs that in the moment. So I liked that a lot. Well, and for something like my situation, there's no. There's a solution.

Well, somebody could just be like, okay, so this happened to me. Like, this is what you have to do. And like, here's the steps. And listen, the five steps of grief. And you're going through. And it's like, I just want a hug. No. Can I just cry on the phone?

Did you see that me? And I sent it to you? And it was like, someone texted their friend like, hey, when I come over, can we just sit and cry for an hour? and the friend was like 100%. I know. Okay. I offered to punch the next person who told them everything happens for a reason.

Yes, go off. And stop saying it's going to be okay. Match their mood. Acknowledge it's not okay now, right now. Yeah. Food. Don't ask if they want it. Just bring it and take the time to make it yourself.

Donate a tree to plant in memory of the person. I love that. So again, my friend Natalie sent me a card from the Arbor Day Foundation. It said 10 trees. have been planted in Dewey's honor, which I just, I like that because it's like, you're an amateur arborist. I'm an amateur arborist.

I'm a tree fetish. And it just like adds to his like legacy. Mm-hmm. You know. Okay. I love this next one. A lot of girls said this. We had all of our friends pitch in for a massive gift box of things she loves.

So books, wine, candles, snacks, blankets, robes, face masks, body wash, skin care. I love this idea after a breakup, after a loss, after a loss of a pet. just, you know, if you can crowdsource a couple friends and send something like that, like how amazingly special is that? Scheduled a spa day for them. I mean, who doesn't like to just zen out a little bit? I asked you what you thought about this when my mom's dog died. I got her a life-sized pillow of him to hug when she's lonely.

I think you got to ask, maybe. I agree, though. I asked you. I asked you what you thought. I don't, you know, I used to joke that I wanted to stuff, do we? And just have him here. Really creep people out. For a second.

He's so beautiful. He's just at the door. All the guests just don't roll him out. I'm like a taxidermist. And then she came to my house every morning to walk my dog and me. Oh my gosh. Raina, read the next one. You know you want to.

No one's dog has to die for this. I suck their dick more than usual. I'm just, I'd stay sucking dick. Clearly this is probably about a man that you're dating. I just picture like my boyfriend like crying about it. And I'm just like, pull your pants down. I know. I'm thinking that too. Like, I feel like most people in trauma situations don't have just like a raging heart on.

I get, maybe slips something. I'm going to say this. I think read the room on that one. Same thing with the dog pillow. I can't imagine somebody really wanting their dick sucked. But honestly, this is a girl after my own heart. Okay. Okay.

I babysat her kids so that she could have a night to herself. That, anything like that, just pick up the, pick up the slack, I guess. Just lend a helping hand, like get some stuff off their plate. How many more, how many more idioms am I going to use? Okay. Drove her around and screamed song lyrics until it hurt a little less. That's a good one. But if you already have a headache from crying, I'm going to tell you that's probably

not the best option. Okay. I showed up, did her dishes, threw in a load of laundry, meal prep for the week and left. I love that. And like when I was, I was read a few articles about grief and like, that shit really matters. Like, because those things weigh on you so heavily when you're like, I, all I can, I can barely move. how am I supposed to do the dishes?

How am I supposed to do the laundry? You know what I think of? He's just not that into you, even though we hate that movie. But Ben Affleck shows up and starts like doing the dishes. Yeah. He won't marry her, but he'll do the dishes.

He did, though. Okay. My best friend flew across the country on New Year's Day after my fiance and in things with me on New Year's Eve. Okay, I had like three of my best girlfriends immediately start looking for flights and then remembered like, oh, it's a different time. It's a different time.

A handwritten card can mean a lot versus something like flowers, which are also good. I really, I really love that for anything, handwritten cards. I thought about writing a card. I didn't, but I might. You've done enough. I've been sick. Okay. My friends and I went in shifts making sure someone was always with her. I love that. And when my fiance had left me, my friends did do that for me too. I had a friend at my house all day and all night for two weeks and people bringing me food, bringing me alcohol, just listening to me cry. And I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

I could not love that anymore. Like, again, if someone's like, I'm telling you I want to be alone, you need to respect that. But like setting up, like, setting up that group chat to like schedule shifts to be there for your friend is like, oh my gosh, it's so important. It's really, it bonded me to people forever. Like it's something I'll just never, ever forget for the rest of my life. Boxing equipment gift to help them blow off steam.

I thought that was like really creative. This is somebody that's just like really like you said needs to get it out of their body. I wrote a song in honor of the person's life. Made a donation to the ASPCA in memory of my friend's deceased pet. This next one, I thought this was so beautiful. After a traumatic birth, my friend sent her cleaning lady to do a deep clean of my house. So she didn't want to do it herself, but she paid somebody. which is Jewish. Yes. But that's, this is the stuff I'm talking about, I think, and especially, like,

I'm not really talking about myself. I'm talking about other people that have lost, like, someone in their household or, you know, that's just like, take care of that stuff for them. They don't want to do it. When we had to go to the hospital, I couldn't even call an Uber. I was, I called you just, sobbing and, like, you have to, you have to take care of me right now. Absolutely. You know, especially if somebody has kids, I can't even imagine when we make them dinner. And then, you know, I always like to close these out with a special one. And, you know, somebody said, sometimes you just have to show up, sit in silence, and hold their hand. I know.

I thought it was sweet. I tried to hold your hand, but you would text messages to send. Oh, my God. No, it's just, sometimes you just, like, sit there with them. Like, and I think you even say that. You say, like, hey, can I come over? We can just sit there. We can watch Bridgerton.

Like, we can put on some mindless TV. We can watch sex in the city. Like, you don't have to talk to me. Like, I just want you to feel that I'm here for you, you know? And just telling you, like if you, I'm telling you, like, I, like, if you just tell somebody, like, one of your best friends, like, if you just need to call me sobbing and crying, you can do that. You know what I mean? Because sometimes, like, I've mostly done that to my mom, but I've had points where I just, I feel like out of control and, like, I just have to call my mom until it gets better. Yeah. And she just assisted on the phone deal with it. I love your mom. We didn't even talk about this in the episode, but your mom constantly checked in with me every five minutes. She was like, I'm really worried about her. Should I come there? Is she okay? And then I started preemptively. just checking in on her and just being like, listen, Ashley's okay. I just want to let you know, I talk to her. I said, she's doing better.

She got a lot of flowers. Your mom and I were on constant patrol. It was cute. It was cute. Yeah. So we hope this was helpful. Again, you guys, we know there are different types of grief and deeper, more and manageable grief.

And we really do plan on still talking about that down the road. We know people have lost people due to COVID. And there's so much loss and hardship people are dealing with right now. And maybe some of these things helped and maybe they didn't touch it. maybe we'll talk about it more down the road. Yeah. I hope you guys liked it. Thanks for sharing your truth. Oh my God. Thanks for letting me talk the whole time.

It's not my time. Okay. Well, this episode is obviously in memory of Dewey. The third member of this podcast, the Spear will live forever in the house studio. And we have an incredible episode for you guys in a week. It's about orgasms and talking to your pussy. And so we're going to get right back on track. And we're probably not going to have a grief episode for a while. So we're going to bring it back next week to your regularly scheduled sex programming.

In the meantime, you guys can get tickets to the Valentine show this week on the 11th, Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com. Click on live shows. We cannot wait to see you. It is going to be epic. You do not want to miss it. At Girls Got to Eat Podcast on Instagram at Ash Hess at Raina. at Greenberg, Girls underscore Got to Eat on Twitter and YouTube.com slash Girls Got to Eat.

Get the merch. Sign up for the email list. And we will see you next week. Talk about your pussies. All right, guys. Have a good. We'll see you bitches on Thursday. Thursday.

See you Thursday. Bye, Bye, guys.