Girls Gotta Eat - Quitting Drinking and Getting Horny with Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

We're starting 2021 strong with the incomparable, hilarious Nikki Glaser and there's no holding back. We discuss her decision to quit drinking and how she did it, accepting and loving your looks in an appearance-obsessed culture, being DTF but the challenge of finding a guy who gets you horny enough, farting during sex, anal, new tips for Amazon style sex, and more. We also bring in Andrew Collin to chat about moving to St. Louis to live with Nikki and why he waxed his back beforehand, plus more off-the-rails topics like winter pussy vs. summer pussy. We're also catching up on Rayna's recent sexcapade and Ashley's big dating change for the new year. Hope you enjoy! Follow Nikki on Instagram @NikkiGlaser and check her website for more. Follow Andrew @AndrewTCollin. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Check our website for show dates and merchandise. Thank you to our partners this week: Uqora: Get proactive about urinary tract health and 20% off at uqora.com/gge. Helix: Visit helixsleep.com/gge for up to $200 off your mattress + 2 free pillows. Hello Tushy: Go to hellotushy.com/gge to get 10% off + free shipping. Rory: Try out your personalized treatment for just $5 at hellorory.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Like, have you showered yet? No. I'm, like, turned on by that. You, like, just got done. You were like, oh, oh. Like, you were making those noise an hour ago. Back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. 2021.

First episode. We made it. Everything's different. Yeah, everything changed. Everything that happened in 2021 is over. We've gone through the vortex. It's, oh, you're safe now. Yeah, that was funny.

It doesn't change. It's going to be 2020. the next six months. We started this on a sad note. Sorry, guys. Hi, I'm Raina and I'm the co-host of this show. Hey, guys, I'm Ashley. This is a comedy podcast.

I just want to reiterate that coming in hot into a new year. It's comedy. It's jokes. We're laughing. If you're not into comedy or jokes, this might not be for you. We're having fun, guys. We're having fun. It's a comedy podcast about dating sex and relationships.

Yeah. Thanks for being here with us, guys. First episode of the year. We hope you guys did have a good New Year's. Really quickly, just want to do a quick PSA that the Georgia runoff voting is, if you're listening today, Monday the 4th, it's tomorrow Tuesday the 5th.

We know we have so many Georgia-alina listeners. We hope you guys are planning to vote if you haven't already. So most people have early voted. I've seen so many people vote. But I'm just a reminder to do that. And what it means for the Senate, we're sure you're aware. So just make sure you're getting out there and voting.

Just had to mention it. And we're just hoping for the best. We're hoping to piss off Mitch McConnell. I love that people think I'm like the original Mitch McConnell hater. And I think it was like, I think it was the first year of the podcast. We did like a fuck Mary Kill and I just said like dusty ass Mitch McConnell. I mean, I always hated him. Who doesn't? But it's funny like the hatred towards him is so strong now and people always like tag me and they're like, you started this girl. And I'm like, thank you so much for crediting me with it. Yeah. He's so hateable. All right. Well, I kicked off 20,

21 strong as I usually do. I've had a lot of sex this week. Okay. Go off. You got to get that you, Kora. Yeah. I actually, I'm really excited about you Kora and we're going to talk about my vagina health because I've had a ton of come inside of me and no UTIs. Oh my God. You don't know that yet. It could be a lay reaction. I usually get them quick. Delayed reaction. Yeah. Delayed reaction UTI. I get them quick, girl. Okay. They come in hot. They come in hot and they come in spicy. those cutie eyes. But I hung out with my

Charleston boyfriend, not in Charleston, unfortunately, but we had a nice week together and that was fun. A little staycation. Yeah, it was nice. But I didn't tell you this thing that happened. It just made me laugh. It just a little short anecdote.

Okay. So for reasons I can't really explain, my vibrator was in my purse. Okay. That's totally normal and fine. You don't need to explain anything here. Thank you for supporting me. Yeah, whose vibrator isn't?

And it wasn't like the rabbit. It wasn't like a huge dildo. It was just like a vibrator like a little bit bigger than like a lipstick too. Purse companies should be making pockets for vibrators in the first place. And maybe it should come with the vibrator. It should. And more vibrator companies should make a travel mode. And we were walking into the building and we got into like a little tiff, but I was pounding.

And I realized as we're in the lobby of the building that my vibrator has turned itself on in the purse. I mean, listen, I can relate to being turned on when you at an inopportune time. That vibrator is, that's the vibe. And it's loud. And I'm trying to figure out how to just like make it not make sounds. And I was like, okay, there's like a lot of people around us, but I had to get into an elevator and ride up 11 floors and try to like figure out how to like not keep the vibrator on. And he heard the vibrator because it's vibrating against like makeup and shit.

And he was like, what is that? I'm like, you couldn't pass it off as your phone. No. My phone doesn't. vibrate and he'd been with me all week. I thought, like, it didn't even occur to me to say it was my phone because my phone hasn't been on. I haven't had my vibrate on my phone in like five years. My phone's always on silent. Sorry if you need me in the middle of the night. I won't call me from jail. I mean, I would be there, but I'm not going to know what you called.

That's so funny. I feel bad. You would be my first call. I am somebody that did need to call from jail before. I'm so. I will say you were up till three in the morning, though. You still would be one of my first calls. That's true. Yeah. I could be up. Yeah. You're the only person that's actually up. Yeah. But I don't know, it's just funny to like be pouting because like, Like normally, like, I would like acknowledge it and laugh about it, but you're like so mad. And like, I had to like go all 11 floors with the vibrator on and then like go into the apartment. I couldn't just take it out of my room. So I was like, I'm going to the bathroom and just like stormed off and like shut the door.

I had like masturbated. It was already on. But yeah, I thought that was funny. It's never happened to me before. I don't take my vibrator out of the house with me that often. Maybe you should start. Okay. Let's think about this more.

When was the time that you were fighting with or even just like a TIF with a person you were dating and something like happened like that. Like something funny, like you couldn't not laugh about and you're trying to be pissed. I was trying so hard to stay grumpy and like you just want to acknowledge it because it's so funny. But also explaining to him why I had my vibrator on me would have been awkward in the moment because I was already just being pissed. Wait, I have mine. Okay. So this is something that my ex would tell for like years to come.

We were at a wedding. We were in a hotel. We were in a really nice hotel. We were in a four seasons. and we were fighting. We always fought. I, like, really blew this weekend up. It was not a proud moment for me.

So we're fighting in the hotel, and we had gone to, like, an early Catholic wedding, like a 2 p.m. whatever, you know, and then you come back, you have all this time before the reception. So we were fighting. We were, like, fight for all day. When we came back from the wedding, we're still fighting in the hotel, and I got out of my dress and put a robe on during the fight. And we, in the moment, he didn't say anything, but, like, when we made up, finally he was like can we not forget that you slipped into something more comfortable

in the middle of the fight you're like I can't continue this argument until I'm more comfortable Terry cloth will make this argument better I can't be wearing spanks while I'm yelling at you because I feel restricted you just needed to run free and I mean it's so funny I don't actually you might have made a comment in the moment I didn't buy I didn't lean into it but like later we got a good laugh about that I think you even told my parents is like oh like I Christmas. From that time we got a fight and you slipped into a robe. Did you think, let me tell you, like, because when it was happening to me,

I was pouting so hard, I think he tried to, like, grab me and kiss me while it was happening. I couldn't let him touch me because the bag was vibrating. Like, in the moment, you're like, I can't wait until this is over so that we could laugh about this. Yeah. And we did. Yeah. I think, did you have that moment while you were getting addressed?

You know, for me, it was more like, I can't wait until he apologizes to me. Okay, well, I have an update that you guys might be interested in. So I'll just fill you in. This was a guy that I went on one date with. Had a really good date. We made out. And then he went to Notre Dame and he asked me out again and then just kind of ghosted. Like he was like, let's go out again.

And then I like followed up and then never heard from him again. And then he texted me after Notre Dame beat Clemson on Biden Day, right after we found out that Joe Biden won the election, which was such a great day. And then he texted me at two in the morning about Notre Dame beating Clemson. We talked about this after it happened. So Clemson got to play Notre Dame again. And a few weeks ago, like in December, like, I don't know, right before Christmas, something like that. Maybe let's say it was like December 18th. I'm not sure.

Don't damn me. I can look it up. And Clemson beat Notre Dame. I didn't even think about this guy. I don't think about him. I never think about him. So I didn't even think twice. Like the last thing that happened was he texted me at two in the morning.

I never responded in November, November 6th or whatever. And so I wasn't even thinking like, oh, how. I got to get back to him. A listener DMed me. And she was like, I hope you're going to say something that Notre Dame guy. And I was like, oh, my gosh, that's why I love our listeners so much. They're keeping tabs on my life. You're like, I'm not about this person for one minute.

And I go, oh, my God, thank you, girl. Thanks for the reminder to message him. And so I text. Because you talk to all of our listeners all the time. I know. Because I'm their mom. She was like, hey, mom, just don't forget. And so I text him back, what, six weeks later and was like,

hey, I just wrote. I wrote, hey, sorry for the delay. Good game, though, huh? And he responded, he was cool about it. He responded and he said, ha, ha, I deserve that. And then that was the end of the night. And then the next morning, he followed back up. Like, I was like, we're done with this.

I'm not going out. I don't want to go out of you again. And he followed back up and was like, anyway, want to hang out later. I was like, no. And so I didn't respond at all. And then he responded again. So I guess that's a no, which is just like, oh, my gosh. Like, I'm so cringy.

The door is closed, buddy. So I wrote back, you had your chance, smiley face. Like, you know, no, this is over. And then he wrote, the only thing that could possibly make me reconsidered, he wrote, yeah, he goes, okay, but what if we beat Bama? And I was like, oh my God, how did you know beating Alabama is my love language? And I was like, you got to get you all juiced up. Okay, like, we'll see what happens on the first. And at this point, that was a couple days ago, Notre Dame, I knew they would never be Bama awesome.

but, and they didn't. So Notre Dame lost Alabama. Clemson lost. This is like the first year in like six years. I think Clemson hasn't been the national championship. It's such a bummer. But so he texted me after the game. This is just a few days ago.

Again, I'm not, this guy, like, I think he gets really drunk and it's a turnoff. Like I think when he was like, want to hang out, can we go out if we beat Bama? Like, it's in the night, he's drinking. I'm not into it. Like, he even sent me this like weird selfie that he looked drunk. I was like, is this a sexed? Like, what do I'm not, this is not good. And so it was like 1 o'clock in the morning after we had both lost, both of our teams had lost.

And he was like, rough night for us or whatever. And I was like, yeah, ha ha. And then he just kept being like, so are we going to go out? Can we make out again? All this stuff. And I was like, no, I'm not interested in this. Maybe I would do it if you guys actually did win the game because that was like, because that was a funny bet.

And like this, it goes with the story. It's a funny bet. And then he had the audacity to be, I said, how drunk. He was like, do you want to make out again? And I said, how drunk are you, L.O.L. And he was like, I'm really not drunk at all. And then two texts later, he was like, I'm sorry. I'm really hammered. And then he goes, the reason why I never texted you after we had a really fun first date was because, you know, I'm allergic to dogs and you have a big dog. And I was like, first of all, that's not what happened at all. You asked me out again. And then when I followed up, you, like, and I put him on blast.

If you were to read this, you would know, like, I actually doesn't care about this guy at all. Like, I'm happy to, like, correct him. Like, that's actually not what happened. and he was like, no, I am allergic to dogs. I'm like, no, I know that. You told me that on their date. But first of all, we were making it out on the street. He said, can I come inside? And I was like, aren't you allergic to dogs?

And he was like, I'll work through it. Like, this guy's crazy. And then I just think he's so drunk. And then he was just like, it was spiraling. He was like, well, what are you doing right now? I mean, it gets two in the morning. That guy really shot his shot. First of all, he tied your sex life to the fate of a bunch of like 21-year-old college football players.

Yeah. He was like, if Trevor Lawrence has a good night, can I get my dick sucked. Yeah. It just, it was funny. I wanted to provide you guys with the update. Like the best part of it was that he knew exactly what to say. Like he was like, okay, but if we beat Bama, I was like, yeah, fine. But like, it just, it's unattractive that like, like, I know this guy's like wasted.

And he blew me off. And then he tried to give me an excuse that I saw right through. Like, I'm over all of it. I totally agree. And I think that, listen, I think that like, we don't have to write every person off that doesn't act exactly how we want. after a date, like I think that like people are human, things come up, you're a stranger. And I think that like if he texted you like something cute and funny in the middle of a weekday

at 2 p.m. and he was sober. I think it's like, we don't have to write every person off for every little thing. But this would turn me off and I'd be like, you, you disregarded me and now you're lying to me and make it some weird excuse. And now you're trying to fuck me at two in the morning. Like, go away. This is over. Yeah. And I mean, but at the end of the day, like, I know he's allergic to dogs and it's like, it's very easy to be like, I'm never going to date that guy. You can't come in my apartment, you know, eating in more ways than one. Okay. That being said, I would like to make an announcement here. This guy is not the catalyst for this,

but he's part of a larger... He'd like to make an announcement? He's part of the big picture is that I'm not dating guys in their 20s anymore. I'm saying it. I'm glad you're saying it because I've been seeing this for you lately. I really think that you need like a strong, steadfast old man. Brena, no.

It is mid-thirty. It is mid-30. Okay, yes, fine. I am not saying, like, I've just, I don't regret. any of the young guys I've dated, fucked. Like, that was what I wanted at the time. We started this podcast.

I was fucking a 24-year-old. Like, I've had good experience and I've had bad. But at the end of the day, these guys that are in their 20s are not going to probably be matches for me. They're not really on my level in a lot of ways. Just even, you know, career-wise, but also just emotionally. And just I've been disappointed recently a few times. And it's like, what am I doing?

You know, like, I really have dated a lot of these younger guys. guys had been 10 years younger than me. And I really knew that it wasn't going anywhere and I didn't care because I didn't really care about a long-term relationship in that moment. And that's what I did what I wanted at the time. Because I truly believe you should like figure out what you want and work towards it. And so if you really want to find somebody and you want to get married, then you shouldn't fuck around with people that you know you don't see a future with. But that's not what I want at the time. And I do want to like find a really, I want to have a relationship and and fall in love and it's not going to be with these guys. I'm not, you know, I think I'm not, I don't like to make huge

definitive statements. Yes. I guess. there's a world in which some guy in his 20s could come along. So we can on my feet. I'm not against it. But I'm not seeking them out. And I actually took the step of updating my hinge age range to make the statement. Like you saw me. I just did today. I said it to I said it to 31 to 41.

Yeah. I think that we talk. There's nothing wrong with younger guys. I just think you make a list of the things you want in life. And if you're like, I want a serious relationship and these are the things I want. And I said to you, I look at all the men in your life that you are really like best friends with. I look at your brother. I look at the people that you like really love and that you respect.

And they're all people that are like super alpha. They're killing it. They're great at their jobs. They're people that are inspiring to you. And I think it's just sometimes hard to be inspired by people that are so much younger than you in a different stage of life. It has nothing to do with their age. If I was 24, a guy that was 28 would be amazing.

I just want to be inspired by somebody who's sort of like done something already and give me some feedback and they've been in that stage of life. And I think that like when I look at what inspires you and excites you, like that is what it is. Yeah, it's just that's, and I mean, I talked about this actually when we did matchmaker Maria's podcast recently, but I had a reading with Kelly Knight, who has been on our show twice. She's my, like, psychic life advisor. And she basically gave me a reading that said, you're going to find somebody and fall in love. And it's going to be something. It's like very, not a big deal and like some famous, you know, whatever, just like somebody that really has

her shoes together, someone that's like a big present, some that's really killing it and you guys are going to be a match in that way. And like, it just clicked for me. You know, like, if I meet some guy and he's hot and maybe if I'm on. on a trip or whatever it is. And we want to fuck, that's fine. But like I'm actually taking the steps, Hinge being the first thing to be like, this is actually something that I don't really need to do anymore.

And dating a guy that's 10 years younger is very different than dating a guy that's five years younger. And so I'm still going to date probably guys that are a little bit younger than me. You know, like again, I said it to 31. But, and I'm not looking exclusively on Hinge. You know, I would prefer to meet somebody in the wild, whatever that looks like during the pandemic. But yeah, I just wanted to make that statement that, like,

I've loved the time that I've fucked and dated these 20-somethings over the past three years of this podcast, but like things are changing in 2021. I want to say that when you and I, you and I had a conversation about my bad patterns about like the people that I pick and what's wrong with them and the commonality between all them. And I thought it was like a really profound conversation with you telling me like my patterns. And I think when we look at like the things that you haven't liked about certain people that you've dated, that you've dated, there is sort of like a commonality that I can chalk up

all the behavior to just being young, to just being in a different phase of life. And when, like, I look at all these different things and, like, a way that somebody's behaved that you or I didn't like, it's because they're just not in the same phase of life as you. They just haven't mature to a certain level. And they're not going to, and you can't be mad at them for it. It's hard to be mad at somebody who's 10-something guys. It's hard to be nice. It's hard to be mad at somebody who's 10 years younger than you for behaving a way that's normal when they're 10 years younger than you.

You're mad because you don't want to be treated like that. But it's normal for them. You, the general you. But it's also guys that are in their 30s and 40s are terrible too. we've said this before like there's guys that are going to treat women better that are 27 but it's like they're just not in the right I just need to find the guys that are more age appropriate that still treat women well that goes out saying but like I mentioned this in the podcast maybe last week or the week before I was talking to this guy and hinge and I shot in my phone number I just said

hey here's my number if we did end up going out I'm not going to get into it but like it just it didn't end well I don't need to share all the details maybe I will at some point I'm just I'm just I was pretty disappointed by the whole interaction and he was 28 and this other guy the Notre Dame guy's 28 I'm like I'm just not there's a there is a pattern here and It's y'all's age. And so I'm just going to step my game up. I'm, you know, a woman in my 30s. I don't need to be out here doing this anymore and fucking around because I do want to find

somebody. We all do, I think. Yeah. Well, I'm proud of you and maybe it'll feel like a wait off. And I felt like when you and I had that conversation about me and my patterns, it felt at least like a wait off to be like, oh, maybe this is a problem. Yeah. This certain thing I pick in people.

Yeah. So I'm excited for you. Thanks. In 2021. Yeah. New year, new May. Really? Yeah.

New year and new age range. And it's, yeah, I just can't. stayed enough. It's not like I'm like, I did the wrong thing for the past few years. I had fun. I did what I wanted to do in the moment. I wasn't looking for somebody really. But, you know, it's like, it'd be nice to have a relationship. Outside of me. Yeah. Well, I mean, the three of us together. The thruffle. Yeah. You can't date anybody that I don't think we'll live on our compound with us for the rest of our lives. Yeah. You have to approve. That's the first thing that happens. Yeah. Should we give our one, okay, we have one

wreck. We're not going to deep dive because Raina hasn't watched it yet. But we will do a deep dive. We will do a deep dive. I'm going to watch this week. I started Bridgeton. This show is so good. It's on Netflix. It's the number one show on Netflix. I'm sure you guys have seen it if you're not watching it.

Again, all I can say is it's pretty much like Gossip Girl set in the 1800s. It's a period piece. Shonda Rhymes created it. Everything she does is incredible. Like, it's so gossip girl and there's like romance and their sex and the hottest man I've ever seen in my life plays the lead actor. So we know you guys are watching it and loving it. I'm loving it. It's so different and unique.

It's like the Queen's Gammon. It's like these people that create these shows are like geniuses. I'm so impressed. I actually, okay, listen, I like that you brought up this show. I like that you previewed that we're going to give a review of it. Because now people can watch it and they can be up to date. Yes, that's exactly. So you guys, if you haven't started, binge it and then we'll cover it next week or the week after.

Yes. And we have a great episode for you guys today. We're going to talk about drinking and farting. and several times. Insecurity wearing sacks, we have Nikki Glazer, and she's so fantastic, and we're excited to get into it with her. All right, let's bring Nikki in.

Yay! Okay. We are so excited to welcome back. A friend of ours or a turning guest. She is a stand-up comedian, an actress, a podcast host, a radio host, a television host. She has multiple specials on Netflix, including the stand-ups and banging. You can see her on the Comedy Central Roast

and her upcoming podcast. Please welcome to the podcast. the show, Nikki Glazer. Hey, guys. I'm so excited to be back. We really are like coming in so hot with you. I'm so excited. We've already been like shooting the shit for 10 minutes at this point.

It's so good to catch up with you guys. Yeah, I'm excited for this. This is like, this podcast is the best. I just, well, because I, I listen to a lot of yours this morning just to like get up to date with what you guys have been up to. And I listened to it at two times the speed so I could get through more. Have you guys ever done? on that.

Yeah, but have you ever slowed it down? Yes, I did that too. I did that too about going on a date with Matt Hussey. And like that she didn't understand wasn't a date. Was not, it was just coffee with a friend. Yeah, but you said something really fast. You were like, he showed up in gray sweatpants or something like that. You said it so fast that I had to listen to it on half speed like eight times to be like,

what exactly happened? And it was like, he showed up in gray sweatpants. I was like, I also like thought I. had a spark with Matt Hussie when he did my writing. Talk about like, so how's life going? Like, just checking in on me, like, as a nice friend. And like, you know, someone who's in the business too and probably just wants to keep connections going.

And I've totally misinterpreted it of like, does he, like, love me? Like, is he using his own methods on me? Yeah. And not the case. He does it to me too. He'll text me or her, like, DM me. And then I have to, like, bring myself back to reality and be like, he dated Camilla Cabella.

For two years, okay? She can pack a stadium. That guy is not interested in me. I know. Every time he DMs me, what I hear in my years, you can't have a new na-na-na. You'll never have a moon-na-na-na-na. Ever, girl.

East Atlanta. I've always, like, it's so funny how often that happens, and especially as you guys grow in popular, and like, your just stars are rising, more and more guys that are like, hot that you're like that want to get to know you because they want to be on your podcast and like

be you know just network and you think they're trying to get into your pants and they're just trying to get on your podcast I think you guys are more similar because I don't think that about anybody like I'm like oh this is never this isn't a thing and Raina's like I don't know I feel like I felt something

like you do I send my screenshots to my friends my friend Anya who always tells me what I want to hear so I'll send the screenshots to her of the text conversations or the conversations I'm having with these guys and she'll be like, dude, he's totally into you. Like he's just scared, he's very intimidated.

And then I follow up with like more questions that keep it going. And then it falls off. And then that's when I screenshot it and send it to Andrew, Colin, who goes, no, he's not interested. And then I get the real answer that I... You got to ask a man. I love asking men because they'll just give it to you straight. Or me.

I don't know. I feel like I'm pretty like tough love. How do guys feel about when they find out you have this podcast in which you talk very candidly about your lives? Like, do you would discourage them from listening before you go on a date or before they get to know you? Or do you expect that they just do it anyway? I never want someone to know before a date. So it's not anywhere on my profiles. Oh, it isn't.

You know, so yeah, like I don't have a picture of me with a mic or anything. Isn't that funny? Because that's every guy's first thing that they put is like, I'm somebody. I have followers. You know. They took a picture one time, like, on Caroline's, like, after hours and they posted it, like, with a mic in their hand. Yeah, we had somebody. We know a guy that did that.

We know. We know a specific person. I don't, I think that, like, more women will go out with men because of that men don't see us on stage. I don't know. Maybe some do and see the opportunistic way to date us. I don't know. I don't think anybody knows the fuck I am. I'm not worried about it.

But I don't prefer that somebody listens to the podcast before we go out because I would just like the opportunity to own that information and share it as I please. Okay. That's good. I, I feel. I didn't realize until maybe this year. These things hit me. It's too late. But like, dating me is a little bit of a liability.

Like, you might get made fun of. Like, you might, guys are so scared of having their penises made fun of. And I've definitely talked about penises on stage in the past. I do roast. People think that I'm going to, guys think I'm going to roast them. You know, men's biggest fear is ridicule.

And so the fact that they would even Google my name, pull up a clip, oh my gosh, this girl talks very. openly about her life. She's going to talk about me. I'm not taking it anywhere from here. And it's just like, I think I've, I hope, that's my new excuse for when guys don't like me. I'm like, oh, they're just like scared of me talking about their penises. As opposed to them just like, I think that's the, I mean, yeah. I used to just say they're scared of their like feelings for me. Like they, they love me

so much that they've never felt this strongly and it freaks them out. Have you guys ever done that before? Yeah, but when I sent you, we're going to have next week, I think, actually, the author of this book that I sent you. I started reading it. You did. Raina started reading too. It makes it, it's, it's called dataomics, but it's really about how there is a actual statistical shortage of educated datable men. College educated men, which was an interesting, like, distinction to make.

But I guess if you've, I guess it's as a girl who's been to college, I mean, I don't really ever go, have you been to college? But I guess it's just a way to different. I think worldly too, just educated in some way. Yeah. Yeah. I think it just meant people end up with people that are like them. Yes.

Yeah. I think statistically, that's just how they did the math. I love a man in an alumni association. Yeah. If you can donate to the alumni association, I don't even care if you went to the school, but if you could afford it. Yes. That's what I'm about.

Spend more money on a place that you've already given tens of thousands of Who does that? No, no, no, it's a couple nights ago. I heard this stand-up special that somebody was talking about, like, I already went here. Why don't I have to give you another $100,000? Yeah. What special is that? Unless my name's going to be, like, at the entrance of the stadium.

Like, I don't, what do you? Like, I want to be, have at least one building named after me if I'm giving you guys a dime. You've gotten so much of my money. It's crazy thing. And it must work, though. I mean, people must do it. Yeah. I don't understand who does it though.

Like even if my kids went there, I'll pay you their tuition. Right. The transaction's over. Name the mascot after me. There's just like a giant like Nikki walking around. I would be definitely offended by it. Whatever caricature of me they would put together, it would be offensive. There's no way to do that well.

Do you do that? Is your joke about you didn't know how you really look till you got a caricature drawn? Yes, when I was a kid. There's a picture of me like. pre-charicature and I'm sitting on this bench. I'm like probably seven or eight and I'm sitting on this like picnic bench like just smiling so big

like I'm so excited that someone's drawing me. You know, it's like attention on me. It's about me. And then I remember he turned it around and I just like, and everyone's like, it's just like you. And I have huge teeth. I didn't know it had bucked teeth.

And that's like it just started. And that was what I knew. That's when I like figured it out. That was something wrong with my looks. If you get a carry. caricature done of yourself. It gets turned around and you love how you look. You should walk straight to elite model management, okay? Because no one looks good in those things. And if you look good, you are a supermodel. You are, Jezelle. Andrew and I got our caricatures done in January before my St. Louis show.

And we were like walking in front of the theater and we were kind of filming this thing. I was like, oh, this would be fun. So we sat down and they did like a pornograph. Like they didn't know we were not a couple and they made me like straddling him. And like that was more devastating than the buck tooth one. I like looked hot in it too, but I had to still like, I was like, this is, he's like, can I post it? I'm like, this is not funny. I do not like, it bothered me so much. It was like, someone putting a picture of you and you humping your brother. Oh yeah. It was so gross. Oh, he's posting it immediately. It's going to be on the feed and he's going to delete it in two week. Oh my God. We'll get to Andrew eventually. Yeah, we'll roast Andrew. I just think it's so

funny when people, when people tell you, Nikki, is your experience with that whoever somebody, if somebody tells you, you know who you look like, do you brace yourself for the Oh, I am, I have a callous to it. It, like, doesn't affect me at all anymore because it happens so much where people send me a person on Instagram who looks like me. Everyone looks like you. So many people do. Oh, right, your whole thing. Yeah.

It was a thing I kind of started on Instagram a couple of years ago where so many people looked like me. I just started posting them on my story and saying, not me, not me. And they just look so much like me. And so people now think that that's something I enjoy getting. And I stopped doing it because I don't want anymore because it was like hurting me. hurting me so much. Now I just like, it actually helped me accept what I look like to people and be like, you know what?

People still think I, but people don't seem to have a problem with this. I was seeing, I have a problem with it. But like, no one's looking at me the way I look at me. No one cares that much. Like I heard something recently on Brunei Brown's podcast, Dax Shepard was on of all people, but he told this interesting story that I loved. He was talking about someone he knew that used to work at some clothing store. And she used to help women all day, like changing in dressing rooms and bringing them clothes.

And this one woman was in a dressing room. And she was like, oh, I just look terrible in this. And this color's awful on me. And the woman's outside the dressing room who's helping her. And she goes, so I've been with you all day today. And she's like, yeah. And she goes, what color is my shirt? And the woman's just like, um, I had no idea.

And that was just an example of like no one's looking at us that much. No one. My mom the other day. As much as you care about you. No one. Even a little bit. No one's looking at my mom. We took a Christmas picture other day.

My mom was like, do not post that picture my stomach. And I was like, no one would ever look at. Did you look at my, did you even know I was in this picture with you? No one's caring about our looks that much. And I've just accepted like, yeah, it's been a hard road to just accept my looks. And I think I've really made a lot of strides this year in terms of just being like, I don't want to change anything. I feel really good.

and like I like the way I look. I look at my body. I'm like, I like it even on days when it's like clothes or tight and stuff like that. I just try to have complete acceptance and like appreciation that I fucking, it works. And it's so hard to do and it's so cliche. But I think it's finally like I'm getting it. Well, also, Nikki, you're like, you're hot and beautiful. I mean, I love that you say that and just people really do not look at like, I'll post something

and then go back in and zoom in. I'm like, oh my God, do you think that someone's going to like notice this thing? They never will. I'm the only person that would ever notice something like that. And it is just like, I'm the same way. I'm like, this is what I look like. I don't know. I'll probably do some like fillers here and there maybe,

but like I'm not going to get a nose job. I'm not going to change my face. Like this is what it is. And I think we all just take rejection and we're like, it's my looks. It's my looks. It's somebody's, they don't think I'm hot. They don't think I'm pretty.

They don't want to fuck me. And it's like, it's not. They went out with you in the first place. They like your looks. Yeah, that's so true. And it's like, I am like, I'm getting like, Invisaline. You know, I've been doing this for like years.

And it's just to fix a little like tooth that sticks out a little bit more than this one. It goes back to my buck tooth thing. I'm just like fearing that I have two buck teeth. And I'm like, if this, if I fix this and then suddenly someone like loves me that wouldn't have before. That is so true. What like, what is this thing that I've spent $6,000 on and so much time and just like pulling it? I'm losing more men by going like, uh, glug, before.

eating with people and being like sorry and there's like strings of goo coming off it, then I will attract people by fixing this millimeter of a, you know, it's just these insane things. And when it comes to filler and all that stuff, I really, I saw the stuff kind of fall out of my face. I had gotten some stuff done, I guess,

in maybe December or January. I was getting like little things here and they're very subtle, going to someone who is, you know, all my friends that recommended like, oh, she's amazing. she'll study your face and just do very slight things. And I was going there. And then I saw myself on TV shortly after the pandemic hit.

And I was, I cried on this show. I was on, who wants to be a millionaire, like celebrity edition? I cried during it. And it looks like I'm fake crying because I couldn't move. I was just like, and I couldn't move my face. And I was like, that doesn't even, I look older than I am because women. Yeah, it can age you. You don't.

You look beautiful. It's gone now. Thank God. But, yeah. We say on the show all the time if you want to fix little things about yourself, more power to you. And you talk for a living. So if you want to fix your teeth, like fix your teeth.

But you're so right. Nobody's going to date you or not date you based on this tiny little thing about you. And no one cares as much as you care. No. Even a little bit. Never. And like this face that everybody wants, you know, the face. It's based on kind of the Kardashians.

Like, it's, I'm not going to ever look like that. So never. My face will never even begin. to resemble it. I could put a million dollars into it. I wouldn't look like that. It's just, I mean, I guess I could. I think you could. That's the thing. It's like a face that you, if you have enough money, you can. I'm just like, I need to find somebody that doesn't want that face. Yes. I'm not doing it. And that's not going to be my face. I know. Yeah, I, because I, it's just funny because when you look back and you watch stuff from like the 90s, early 2000s, you're like,

oh, what a, what an amazing time when people just looked how they looked. I know. And we always talk about the first season of the hills, you know, before. Wild. Oh my God. They're just nice looking girls. Oh, you got to watch the first season. It's great. They're just nice, healthy. Ashley said healthy and it hit me up. They just like healthy, normal looking girls.

Yeah. Now we're faking health by like glowy things that we put on to make it look like we have radiance. It's all just like fake health. And the filters are just so, they're ruining everything. And everything has a filter. Even your phone, like your regular camera on your phone is a filtered thing. everything nothing's showing you what you really are except actual mirrors and it's offensive when you look into one now because you're not used to seeing that and i i can't go on ticot because i get

jealous of not people that are a decade younger than me people who are 15 girls who are underage i'm getting jealous of children and my friend i'm not one day i was she's a model and i would give anything to look like her yet she is very insecure as a mom model. Like, you don't realize models are like more insecure than women who aren't models, but it's kind of a lot of times true. The whole existence is based on the way they look. Yeah. So, of course.

And people are very honest with them. They go into these shoots and people will be like, uh, you've gained a couple pounds. Like no one's telling us that, you know, to our face. It's not a part of our careers. But so, um, she was on Instagram and she was like, Nikki, and this was at a time where I had just seen the social dilemma. And remember when we all were like, oh, we're done. We're putting it down for like a week.

I didn't. After I do an Instagram story about watching it and putting it down for me. I tweeted. I was like, I can't even get through this because I'm on Instagram. Like, I keep having to pause it.

Like, I'm not going to learn anything. I'm not going to quit social media. I just, I know, I can't even base it. I can't watch this. I keep having to rewind it

because I went to check my Instagram. Like, this is like, it's not going to settle. I kept Googling those guys name and writing married after it just to see our like wife, you know, because some of them were like so hot

and they're like whist. I love like a, my friend said, Nikki, see you with like one of these like Silicon Valley whistleblowers. And I'm like, I love that that's a new type of guy. I'm like I would be with a whistleblower. Probably like a lifeguard.

Yeah. Oh my God. Remember the fire festival doc? The Netflix one? Why was every guy the fucking smoke? Do I remember? Actually, if you think I didn't pause that every five minutes to Google that person, girlfriend, all of them.

I mean, that is how I find men now. I want to be completely honest. Like I am very uncomfortable meeting men who I don't already have a rapport with from just watching them move and like be on like where I can't do research on them. I, I've talked about this extensively, but I just like am very, I hate.

Well, anyway, let me just say the thing about my mom of front. She's on Instagram and because it's just so funny. And I called her and I go, how's it going, babe? And she's like, not good, babe. I'm on Instagram.

And it's just like, I'm comparing myself. I'm looking at Reese Witherspoon's feed. And I go, don't compare yourself to Reese Witherspoon. And she goes, no, I'm comparing myself to her daughter.

And I was like, oh, God. block them. Like her daughter, her 14-year-old daughter, and my friend is, like, in her 30s. And it's like, that is so relatable. I had to get off TikTok because it was just 13-year-olds telling me about retinoids. And I'm like, what is going on here? Why are you teaching me about AHAs and like different laser treatments for your skin? So I was so ugly at that age. It's crazy. I was, I mean, I didn't get pretty till like this week. I mean, I was so ugly at that age. I totally relate to that.

like busy Phillips kid what the fuck why does that kid look like that like I look back at pictures we were looking at old photo album and I was just like I looked at my I looked at myself and I was like I actually wasn't as ugly of a kid as I thought my parents just didn't do anything for me my hair my hair I'd like a perm slash mullet no cool clothes like nothing like it was just like I actually think I could have been an okay looking kid someone should have like queer idea as a child yeah like yes you just need a slight makeover for that It's so true. That's really funny that you weren't a bad-looking kid. Your parents just didn't give a shit. My sister, my younger sister had to take me aside in high school and go, Nikki, we got to do something about those eyebrows. And I have no idea. My younger sister. 100%. The first week of college, my roommate was like, can we tell me your eyebrows?

Or I'm like, no one has told me this. 18 years. No one's mentioned this. My whole life, my mom, just my mom, she was in like a competition with me, I guess. And she wouldn't tell me my eyebrows looked like that. Yeah. I mean, it's insane. My mom wouldn't let me shave my legs. Like, wearing makeup was an issue. I just didn't know anything. It's amazing that I ever, like, I got through. And I didn't have a boyfriend all through high school. I kind of, like, didn't want them. And that goes to my next thing of like, I'm so fascinated by hearing you guys talk about dating and sex and the fact that Raina, you just had sex. Like, I'm like so excited. Like, you literally like have it on you still?

Like, you like, have you showered yet? No. I'm like turned on by that. You like just got done. You were like, oh, like you were making those noise an hour ago. Yeah, I was on the bottom actually. I didn't even do much. I didn't even take my underwear off. I just pulled it to the side. No, he's, there's no way he's like beta enough to ever let me do that to him. Mickey, did you know about it? Until I heard you talk about it and you, you're hot. I pulled it up right away to see what that was. It's hot. Much like you guys, I don't think that that would be something I would be into because I do like being the submissive one. Yeah.

But I was like excited that we could do that. You know, it's like, oh my God. It's like when Kamala was like elected. I'm like, oh my God, we can do anything except actually be president. But we can get so close. Yeah, that's the exact same thing because it's like she also isn't full dick pegging. It's like exactly like being vice president is what the Amazon style is. It totally is.

Okay, but you've got to step it up with the dirty talk. Okay, you have to talk really degrading to them while you do it. Oh, I would be great at that. You have to be like, what kind of little bitch would let me fuck them like this, huh? Tell me. Look at you with your knees pulled up to your chest. What kind of man would let me do that to them? Okay, maybe I could get into this.

Yeah, right? You're like a little turned on, uh-huh. Wait, Rita, that is so funny. They're like, you told me to do this. And then you're like, exactly, what kind of little bitch would let me do that to them? I should get out of dick and fuck you in the ass. Oh my God. Okay.

So many things here. First of all, like, when I have had anal sex before, which by the way, I just want to, like, state I have not had sex in June of 2019. I have not. I blew one person last year in January and it wasn't even to completion. Like, he stopped me in the middle of it because it was so good. He couldn't handle it. He literally stopped me and was like, it's just too good. And I was like, oh.

And then I, like, didn't know that that's not a thing. So I have not had any hookups. I literally feel like a virgin again. But the times that I did have anal sex, which I really love because it's like it is like what you were just saying when he. So when I used to do it, the hottest thing to me was that it's just so dirty and like so many girls wouldn't do it. Like I love being special like, oh no. Like a girl wouldn't normally do this. You're such a fucking slut.

Like what's wrong with you? Like almost like I like he would be so turned on by how disgusting. busting I was, which is kind of inherently how I feel inside anyway. So it, like, he would be like, I remember he was just like, my dick is in your ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? You like this. You like a dick in your ass.

And I'd be like, like, just that like, you are sick. There's something wrong. Like, just like being, telling me that like. Yeah. Wait, are you going to, do you eat ass? Because I feel like that's even another step. One time. I did one time.

For the same reason. So he was like, you're sick. I mean, he was not. happy about that. He liked it, but like, because obviously he came, like, right away. But he, like, I didn't have to eat, by the way. Like, eating ass for me. It was just like, I licked it. I, but I would have been down there longer, but I didn't have to be because he came so fucking fast from it. Like, it was, like, right away. And he was almost embarrassed by how quickly he came because he's one of these guys that thinks it's like, it's gay because he probably

is. And, um, he, no, he, but he was just like, I don't want to, don't, because I was like, I hate your ass. Like I was so excited about it. I wanted to talk about it and like, you know, unpack it. And he was like, I don't want to talk about it. And I was like, I'm going to do it again. I like kept threatening it. But that really did make me feel alive too of just being like, oh, I'm doing this thing that is that so many people can't do and wouldn't do.

And I felt like special. Yeah. I totally know. Listen, I gave Roadhead to completion like three days ago. And you feel so. What? Yeah. You feel I was saving it to die on the podcast.

I know. And they. You feel so special that not only were you able to like suck a dick in the car, but like you sucked it to completion. I've given like five blowjobs to completion in the last eight years. Okay. Because I know they always just lead to sex. They're always just like, okay, just fuck me. Unless someone's driving.

Unless they're driving. That's a good call. Okay, the roadhead thing that I love that I used to do with my ex-boyfriend is that when he's driving, you try to get, while as you're giving the blowjob, you try to guess where he's going. And then when you come up, before you come up, you try to guess. And it's like a game that you can both play. And like you can never get it right. But like by his turns, you can go like, oh, we're going. And that's just like a fun game.

Oh, I love that. Yeah. I would love to do that like in my hometown. I'm like, I think we're in my high school, you know. Just drive around. Like here's where I like, you know, lost my virginity in the woods or whatever. I love it. I love it.

Here's the TGI Friday. It's a fun game. I love that you're in your hometown in your mind because that's where I am to, by older than high school on Beachville. You're listening to Tis the damn season. Yes. We're listening to Little Taylor Swift. Yes. It's so good.

You haven't had sex in a while. You have been living with your parents. Yes. So that's probably part of it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course. I've like that absolutely is definitely playing a part. But I don't know, you know, like I said June 2019. So it was a long time before the pandemic that I was not having sex and like not hooking up. True. Yeah. Sorry. I just like, I don't know. You know, alcohol really does help make you a little bit horny. I have to admit, I'm someone who doesn't drink anymore.

and I've talked about this with you guys before, but, like, that, I'm reaching a point where I'm like, it'd be really nice just to feel a little bit horny the way that, like, alcohol, like a couple drinks would make me feel. And, you know, but for me, I can't have a couple drinks. So that's not an option. But, um, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't get horned up enough to want to anymore.

It's so funny that you said that. Obviously, like, I'm glad you segued that for us. But it's, we were, we have this story. We told it on our live show where I like, got kind of a few drinks at dinner, came back to the hotel. This is when we were on the road, one of the two times that we went out on the road. And I started sexting with this random stranger from Hinge that, like, I never, I met him and then we just started sexting.

I never would have done that sober. And it reminded me of like how alcohol, you know, hate to say it, really does like lube you up and get you in the mood, even though it desensitizes your clit. But, you know, like it does, it's a thing. It for sure. It really is. I used to, that's why I had so much sex. And I don't think it was like false like horniness.

Like it really, it just let, I think I have so many walls up to feel good and that I'm, I'm so, I like feeling bad. I like, I don't like giving myself pleasure. I struggled, you know, I struggle with orgasms. I, I don't, I like, I fight them off. Like I have to, that's why I like like bondage and like being tied up because then someone can force me to have an orgasm and I don't have to like let it happen. and like I have no choice. Because if it's up to me, I would fight it off because I'm like, I don't deserve to feel this good.

And also like, I'm also scared of orgasms. And I've talked about this before. And so sorry if I'm a broken record. But like, I just want to say this in case any girl out there also feels this way. I like lose control of my body in ways that like I'm not comfortable with when I come. And like, first of all, I fart literally every time I come. Like if I have an orgasm and I don't fart, it was, I faked it. And I probably faint it because I didn't want to fart.

And so I held back. Are they loud? Are they loud for? Yes. Yeah. And they're not like smelly farts because they just like, they're just air. They're just air because like my body's like sucking in things and lots of things are moving around on there. And like I don't know how everyone doesn't fart.

And my biggest fear is shitting everywhere. Like what if I let go and it all comes out and like it's okay. I can handle it. Like I know I'm not a bad person if I shit everywhere. Like I would be okay. But I just don't want to. deal with that, you know? I know.

I mean, sex is beautiful, but it's gross. There's a lot of stuff that happens. I think a lot of people roll over and they like quiff really loud or somebody like comes inside of them. Yeah. No. Guys are just happy to have sex with you. If you fart a little like whatever.

Every time. And I have to like be very loud vocally to cover it up. And I would love honestly, I don't really know. I think I've shared this on my radio show once before. So this is like a huge. And like no one listened to that besides like truckers on. So like. I didn't really get a lot of feedback, but if any girl, other girls out there, like,

fart when they come, I would really like to hear from you. And it's, yeah, it's not like gross. It doesn't smell, but it's like, it's so embarrassing because it's just like such a stupid sound. And yeah, I, but I don't, when I'm like by myself, I think it's when it's like moving a lot, like a lot of going on. Yes, you're sucking in air. Before we move on, because we do, we want to, I want to bring something up that you said before

to tie all this back in. And then we are going to talk about drinking. But I looked up what we talked about last time you were on our show, which was November of 2018, when we met you. Oh, my God. Actually, is that episode called What's Your Fantasy? Did I make that up? We can move on. It's something like what turns you.

Talk dirty to me. It's called What Turns You On with Nikki Glazer. Yes. And we talked about your fantasies and what turns you on. But I looked up the episode notes. It was sex positions, anal, blah, blah, blah. But one of the things we talked to you about was about how you said that you don't want to have sex in people that you don't care about anymore. And you, like, made that commitment to yourself.

And I think at least sounds like you stuck to it. Like, if you're not in, like, a very serious relationship, you don't want to be bothered with it. It's just, it doesn't, it hasn't presented itself, first of all. I just don't. But that's like a double-edged sword because then I have to get close enough to someone to actually want to have sex with them. And that is, like, intimacy that I'm also scared of. So there's part of me that does want to just, it would be very hard for me to have sex with someone that I didn't care about. and I almost wish that I wanted to.

I'm jealous of people that can have sex with people and just have it be fun because I do need to get fucked sometimes soon. Like it is dire. Like this isn't good and I want to feel sexual again. It's how I feel like my best self. But it's not some, I like it's some kind of moral thing I'm doing where it's like I only want people inside me who love me.

But it's just because I'm scared of. No, no. We know it's not like not that you don't have any morals. But like we, it's this, it's a level of comfort in what you just feel and what. you want. It has nothing to do with like some moral high ground. And being turned on enough. I've had so much sex out of just like, oh, I'm making out with this person and now their dick is out and now I'm blowing them and now they want to have sex

and I don't want to let them down. And I also, I guess I could have sex. Let me just do it. And it doesn't, like, I just, I'm not horny. And then I have to like fake being wet and I have to sneak wetness down there. And like, I just want, if someone makes me horny enough, I'll fucking have sex with anyone. Like, I don't care. But it's just like no one's getting me horny. And I don't, I like, I went to a doctor about it because I'm like, I need. to get, so I'm taking all these supplements for my hormones to be horny again and they're just starting to work. I've been having sex streams. I like have just been getting like turned on. Like it's, it's, I feel like things are being turned on again. But I, I have been, I have felt very

disconnected from, you know, even my special bang in, which is all about sex. I'm like, I'm a sex comic. Like I don't even, I don't have like a libido anymore. But it's coming back. I, I, and I'm happy for you that it's coming back. I feel like it's almost. like a body in motion stays in motion, I masturbate more when I'm sexually active. If I'm not sexually active, I never masturbate. I don't care. I don't think about it. And I'm also with you that like I don't really have orgasms with somebody I don't care about.

Okay. I'll come in two seconds with somebody that I care about. And I don't mean in love, like Ashley was saying, it's just somebody you have a comfortability level with. Yeah, someone you can fart in front of. 100%. And just someone that turns you on, you're right. It's just rare.

One time I got a laser treatment on my face that was, that required, it was like, I was the worst thing. They burned off my skin and they strap you down because your body thinks it's being lit on fire. So you'll like run away. Like your instincts will just like, you'll jump up because it's so harsh. And they gave me like laughing gas for it. And I was sucking on that thing. And it felt like being drunk.

And my friend Carlisle was with me. Who knows that I have. And I was like, dude, I am drunk right. Like this is like I wanted to like run. So I want to like plan a date like right after I go to the dentist at some point because I'm like that. And that a little nitrous? Just a little bit. I just, because you're smoking pot.

I smoke pot, but now I'm, I haven't smoked for like a month because it was affecting my memory and my depression. So I'm just like, I want something to make me kind of like relax. But I think it just has to be like actual chemistry. And a guy knowing how to do foreplay and make me feel wanted and desired and not just go straight from making out to taking his dick out. I'm so, that is like what my new special is going to be about is men taking me. taking their dick out too soon and how women feel obligated to do things they don't want to do because a penis comes out and you're like, oh, I guess it's dick time. Like, I didn't know.

And so many women just do things because they don't want to be like, put your dick away. What are you doing? Like that's so awkward. Well, give me an experience. Yes, 100%. Yes. We would love to hear about, if you don't mind your experience. You've mentioned not drinking a few times.

We know you don't drink. But you read this book that really changed you. And I read the book as well. And Ashley and I have a different feeling. about drinking, not drinking. But we would love to hear about your sort of relationship to alcohol and why you stop drinking. It doesn't have to be a long story. And also, before we get started, like, I have to say, like, yeah, like alcohol is a lubricant

for somebody that isn't really turning you on. But the ideal scenario is somebody that turns you on and gets you, like, wet and horny, sober, because it is a thing that happens. You know, I think we've all had that experience. So I don't want to be out here, like, you know, you've got to drink. You've got to drink on our, you know, this episode. But it's so true of like that the right, that's what's so hard to find is the person. that like you can be dead sober.

You guys are even just texting and you're turned on. Like that's, and it's just a really rare, hard thing to find. And guys have to do some work on that too. I would, I would implore your listeners to just like think for a second and think about the times that you've like hooked up with someone for the first time where you like are like intimate with someone for the first time.

Were you sober for that? Like have you ever been 100% sober and hooked up with someone for the first time? And I would, I bet a lot of you would say no. And prior to not drinking, I never hooked up with someone for the first time without a little bit of booze in me. That was impossible to me. And I quit drinking because I have close family members who I was starting to remind myself of that caused me a lot of like pain in my life, seeing them in that state.

And I would see video of myself and I'd be like, oh my God, you're turning into that person. And just it was, and I wasn't doing dumb things when I drank. I mean, yeah, I would wake up in the morning and be like, who did I text and have all that, like, kind of regret. But it was more, it was really about the hangover in the end. The hangovers were just so brutal that I was losing a whole day. And our time is just too precious to be sick a whole day. And especially to feel, like I remember the last hangover I had. I felt like the worst I've ever felt in my life.

I was in the shower, like, cowered over, like in the corner, just like, like shaking. I couldn't eat. I couldn't function. I had to do a show that night. and I was, it was, it was 6 p.m. at night and I was getting ready for a show and I was still hung over and I was just like, I did this to myself. Like, I feel like I'm dying. Like, I don't want to feel this way until I'm dying. And no one feels sorry for me. You know, I did it to myself. There's nothing good about this. And I got, I got to quit. And I was totally scared to do it

because I drank every night of my life. It was how all of my relationships were started on. All of my friendships were around drinking, my career. Um, but I also saw that like the people I really wanted to be in my career, didn't drink. Like the ones that had a problem, like, fixed it. Like, even John Mullaney was someone for me early on. I knew he got sober early because he was like, this is keeping me from achieving my dreams. And so I was like, if I want to Malaney, I got to clean up my act. And so I bought this book, Alan Carr's easy way to stop drinking was the one that I got. But now it's called like the easy way to drink without, to stop drinking without willpower. because so much of us think it's about willpower.

Oh, you're so strong, Nikki, you don't drink. How do you do it? I could never do that. You're so strong. You have such fortitude and it's not that. It's not about that. What this book does, if you're really ready for it, and that's the thing is I think you really have to be like,

I have to be done. I bought the book and it was on my shelf for a while because I was like, I know this book works because I use the same method, the easy way to stop smoking. So anyone out there who wants to stop smoking, get that book for anyone in your life, Who wants to stop smoking just to have it around so when they're finally ready, they can pick it up because you read this book and you're allowed to drink.

You're allowed to smoke during the book that you read. And by the end of it, you just, you kind of start not wanting to do it anymore. And it just, it's kind of like magic. It's just like the desire falls away because we've been brainwashed to think that we need these things to like to that we think they're bringing good things to our life. Like even me saying that, oh, alcohol helps me loosen up and and be more, you know, liquid courage. That is a fallacy.

Getting drunk is not courage. It doesn't make, it makes you dumber. That's why your clit goes numb when you're drinking. Like, your body has less sensations. You get more retarded. And I'm using that word like,

like you retard yourself when you drink. There's no doubt about it. You become stupider. So of course you're going to be more courageous and more daring and do these dumb things. But you have that in you anyway. But like you were saying, Ashley, like when someone actually,

makes you feel horny enough to want to have sex. You will do it if it's right. But drinking makes you do, makes you jump off a cliff before you know it's safe. So anyway, I read this book and by the end of it, I was just done. And it's so many, I've talked about it on a lot of podcasts and so many people have bought the book

and it's worked for them. And sometimes it doesn't work. There's, you know, I'm also in a 12-step program for like another addiction in my life. So I totally think that, you know, everyone's addictions are different. Mine to alcohol was, I think, bad. because I blocked out every time I drank, even if it was like three beers, my brain would just,

it's an old Malaney joke, but he would go, we know where this is going. Like your brain goes, we know where this is going. We're shutting down early and just knows. So anyway, I just haven't, I haven't drank and it hasn't been, it has been easier than I thought it would be. My life has changed. I account like all of my success to not drinking truly. And yeah, that's kind of what I have to say about it. And it's, yeah, it's been nine years now.

Oh, my God. Congratulations. Thanks. Raina, what did you feel when you read the book? I'm curious. Well, I want Ashley and I, I guess, to just give us a little bit of our own background about drinking, but the thing that I liked about that book, and you introduced me to it, was that it reframes your idea of what you're sort of losing when you stop drinking

and that you just start to think about all these cool things that you get to gain. And I did stop drinking for a very short amount of time. And I was sort of similar to you where I wasn't rock bottom. I've never, like, woken up in a place where I didn't want to be. I think, but like most people, the hangarer. were debilitating to me. I was wake up and just feeling like I said things to people that I wasn't proud of. I overshared. Why did I tell that person that thing? Why did I like make that joke at someone else's expense or share something private about a friend of mine? It's just,

it wasn't proud of my behavior. I woke up the morning after a Super Bowl party that I had at my house and I had said something terrible to a good friend of Ashley and mine across the room at her expense. I'd been hanging all over this guy. I was making jokes so obnoxious. I didn't even remember this party that I like spent all this money on for other people. And I was, was just like, fuck this. I hate this. I have a business partner that I'm responsible to every day. I'm hung over all day.

I'm acting like a piece of shit. And so I was just like, I need to at least just take a little break. So I read that book. And it just sort of reframes like that you gain. Well, first of all for me, I gained memories because I'm like you. Like I will start to brown out after one and a half drinks. And people share things with you and you're not present for it. That sucks.

That was a big reason for me just real quick as like telling stories to people when I was drunk and then the next day telling that story and they go, Nikki, you told me this last night and being so embarrassed by that because they're like, you were, you don't remember that and just being like, and then I stopped telling people stories when I was sober because I was like, I know, I don't want them to be mad at me that I already told them this. So I just started being like quiet when I was sober because I was like, I didn't want to repeat myself. And it was just like, and not making memories.

How many people out there don't remember their wedding reception because they drink too much? So many people don't remember their wedding day and really important things. You might be having fun, but you don't fucking remember any of it. And when you do get sober and you put yourselves in those parties that you thought you were having fun at, you realize everyone's loud and stupid and that it's actually not that fun. It's really like the people that I, and I've had a long complicated history with alcohol, I've had DUIs and stuff. But my relationship now with alcohol is like very healthy.

I drink. But like I used to black out all the time. I've been like drunk where I had a really bad hangover maybe three, four times this year. It's great. And bad. where like days were ruined where I was like, I feel sick, I can't do anything. But I think for me, a lot of it was just realizing I like myself better sober. I like all my best friends, my family, better sober. The people that I care about the most when they're drunk, like I'm annoyed. Like it's,

it becomes really tough to be around one drunk person and even worse, a bunch of drunk people. We haven't been around a bunch of drunk people in quite some time. But like I don't get drunk where I'm slurring, where I'm acting stupid really much anymore. It's very rare. It's like, it'll be like a birthday or like some just some crazy thing. But then I'm like, I didn't have any more fun than I would have normally. I'm a fun person. I'm quicker. When I'm sober, obviously, your mind is working faster. I still will go out and I'll party and I'll dance and all the stuff. So I just really like tamped it down. But I don't know. There could be a time when I just stop completely. It's still something that I definitely have it under control. But it's like,

I think I was a lot like you were where I was like, well, being drunk and drinking and being like a party girl is part of my personality. It's who I am. So it's like, that's really hard to be like, I'm just going to stop doing that. Like, who am I without drinking? How am I going to date? And so a lot of it's just, you know, getting older too. Like, it's not a good look to be drunk all the time. It feels so good though. Like that's the problem with drinking and drugs and everything like there's a reason we do it and it's not just to like have a little fun with our friends like once you quit you realize the feelings that are coming up like you drink at least I did even like socially because I didn't want to feel my feelings like it it makes everything

go away and and then you know I jumped to pot I started smoking a ton of pot and then I started like being bulimic like my I started like doing all these different things to self-medicate because the drinking went away. And so it's not like it just like fixes everything overnight, but it does make you realize that there's a lot going on that, man, the first time I took a drink of alcohol, I just remember the fucking bliss I felt of like, this is the greatest feeling I've ever felt in my life. I feel so free. I feel so good. Like, why doesn't everyone do this all the time? Like, I was just like, I'm the best version of myself. And it's interesting, though, that you do think you're more interesting when you're drunk and a better version of

stuff yet what you said Ashley literally I've never met anyone I like more when they're drunk well and if you do then you don't like him sober sorry yes exactly like like they like they're like they're like they're like they're the worst like there's not you don't like your best friends more drunk that's true I would say the hardest thing and I do drink it's you know the pandemic started and to be honest I wasn't around as many people I wasn't making the same decisions I was before I'm not out late so if I have a glass of wine at home I'm not like going hard so yes I do drink now but it's I feel like it's just under control in a different way But the thing that was hardest for me was going out with friends and socializing because no one is the same after a drink and a half. And your friends start to slowly slur a little bit, be a little louder. Nothing you're saying is interesting. You're not that funny. You're not that sharp. I hated it.

It was the worst part about drinking. Honestly, I could date without drinking, but socializing without drinking was really, really hard. And that's why you get new friends eventually. I think that's a great point. stop drinking too and they kind of learn that or you know you don't have to do it and like guys you you're worthless i'm not hanging out with you anymore but so like you just like leave they're not gonna even realize you left after their two drinks in anyway like you you're you can peace out as soon as they start getting loud and for me i just my my friendships changed unfortunately and and it wasn't like

friendships that i miss because they were all based on drinking and that's not all of them but a lot of them um fell by the wayside and then i got a lot of friends that that that don't need to drink. Like Andrew, for instance, like, doesn't drink anymore and we don't, and he hasn't drank for two years. And he never thought he could do it either. But it's just like, it doesn't even occur to me anymore. But I will say that anyone listening that's like, I could never, ever give up drinking. I used to feel the exact same way. So enjoy it while you're doing it because like I, I wish I had my fun too. And that's also a thing I look at of like, you're never going to drink again. Yeah, I had so much.

I drank enough. It's like good times have to end sometime. So can we just touch on Andrews here? He just walked in. Can we touch a little bit on dating and sex? I mean, I, you know, even aside from the last year and a half or so, like, how was it nine years ago, you know, when you were sober? And do you remember those first few dates, those first few sexual encounters? Oh my God. It was so tough. Well, at first it just dropped off. I didn't even realize it was going to be a, um, a side effect of not drinking of like not hooking up anymore. All of a sudden I was just like, oh my God, I like never hook up anymore. And I was like, oh my God, it's because I don't drink.

Like it was just like, oh shit. I don't even want to. And it's just I'm not as like horny anymore when I, and guys that I, I was hooking up with a lot of guys that I'm like wouldn't have been attracted to anyway. You know, like. Yeah. And I'm glad for it because I think I was already approved. I was very scared of boys.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. And I only did because I was like able to drink enough. to like get the courage to do it because I was so nervous. I'm still so nervous about sex. So, so, so nervous. Um, and then my first,

um, I was so scared like the first guy I hooked up with sober. It was my like, the guy that ended up being, uh, ended up being my boyfriend, like my only long term boyfriend. He didn't drink,

which attracted me to him immediately. I was like, yes, okay, good. And I was so nervous that I wouldn't like him. Like I, that,

I don't know. I was nervous that I didn't trust myself to get horny enough to like feel comfortable having sex. But that's the beautiful thing about getting horny and that I love about it is that it's like an aphrodisi. Like it makes you drunk. Like yeah, I do things when I'm horny that make me so stupid. That's why the stuff you say in the bedroom. I'm like, who is she? The sound you make. It's so gross. Yeah, you get drunk. Sober, but turned on like midday. I'm like what is coming out of my mouth? Yes. And so that to me is was very exciting when I was finally able to realize that if I really like I can get drunk with sex. And yes, sex can be used as a drug for sure. But and I often did. Like I would be like, let's go again. And again, because it just feels so good to just like feel free. Yes. And that's why

it's like it becomes a slippery slope. And and you end up doing like weirder and grosser things. And, uh, but yeah, it was, it was a struggle and it continues to be. Like I, am just, I don't know. I feel just so disappointed in myself, to be honest with you, that like, sometimes I look at myself in the shower naked. I'm like, you're so hot. Like, you won't have this forever. You are sexy.

You're fun. You're cool. And like, you're not sharing this with the world. Like, someone needs to see this and fuck this and like take like, like, I get mad at myself. Like, why can't I just like do it casually? So I am challenging myself, you know, once. I move out of my parents' house to actually put myself out there and to, like, I'm britt, like,

sex scares me more than, you know, performing in front of thousands of people, more than, you know, dancing on dancing with the stars on live television. Like, sex to me is so, like a one-on-one date with someone is that much scarier to me. I really, I have so much stage right when it comes to it. Really? I can't do it. I mean, Andrews dealt with this with me for so long of me setting dates and then canceling them right before. Just like being one-on-one with someone is so scary. I'm scared that they're going to

like me more than I like them and that I'm going to feel like grossed out by them and then like angry at like there's, I have all of these issues around it. And I, I'm going to force myself this year to actually like go into that fear and confront those fears. Because I've done things that have scared me in the past. And I don't know why I'm letting this fear actually keep me where I am. And like, I'm not trying to like go against it. You know, my, my, My instinct the past year has just been, oh, I want to sleep with my ex-boyfriend again because it's easy and I know it. And he won't have sex with me for some reason because he like thinks our friendship is to like, shouldn't, it'll ruin our friendship. I'm like, we're not that good of front.

Like, it's not that good of like, you need more friends if you think this is like a great friendship. No, it's like, can I ask you question? Yeah. The thing that frightens you the most, it's, it sounds like it's not your own rejection. It's rejecting other people. Like you don't want to feel like you have to reject other people and make that feel bad. Yeah, I'm scared of like being grossed out by a guy in the middle of it and like being like intimate and like being like ew and he's like oh like gracefully touching me and like he like loves me and I have to be like I hate you. You're disgusting. Nicky, I feel like I can relate a lot because I just I and this is something that like I'm always trying to think about like I get I have this fear of like just that same exact thing and I've canceled so many dates day of like I'm just like I don't want to be in a situation that's awkward for me where I'm not like.

excited about this person and then I have to sit there with them and this sucks. But I guess my only advice, because I really do feel what you're saying is like just, I think of like what's the worst that could happen. They're not going to pin me down and force me to hook up with them. We can say goodbye on the street. You know, like there's there's not going to be a situation in which they are stroking my face and telling me how much they love me on a first date. So I kind of to tell myself like if I, if I go on this date and this guy's fucking horrible and he's such a fucking dork and he's so not worthy in my time and he's so ugly and whatever. Like, I will just have a story at the end of it. You can text us. You know, like, the worst thing that happens is I don't enjoy it. And then we

do a side hug and we go our separate ways. Like, the worst thing that could happen is you spend two hours with some person you don't like. And then you just like say goodbye forever, you know? And like, then you just, I sent a text. I went to date with a guy, two dates with a guy. And I sent a text to him and said, I'm just feeling a friend vibe, you know. And I actually was. Like I was saying and I would actually be friends with him because I think we've said that before and we never want to talk to him again. But you can't be like, let's go back to being strangers.

Yeah. But after I went on a day with this guy who showed up, his voice was so insane. It was the most feminine, softest voice I've ever heard. It was like Michael Jackson, but even like worse. And I was like, this sucks, but whatever. I'm going to sit here, get to know something about him. And then I'm going to hug him on a corner and he's going to go back to New Jersey

and I'm going to go home. and I'm going to like masturbate. Like I think I, my mind works so fast and start thinking the worst. And like that's my self talk is like, what am I scared of? It's just a person. I love that. It's like I needed to hear that so much. You really are for the first time ever from like a peer.

Have I heard those. I feel. I feel so good hearing that to be honest with you like of you being like, oh, he's going to love me and he's going to be a waste of my time. And I'm going to feel like, ew, I'm like, I must be awful. Like this guy, like, thinks he has a shot with me. God, is this who I can get? Like, and it'll hurt my self-esteem and all these things.

Who cares? Like, what is the worst that can happen? Like, I love that. And I really needed to hear that. And I'm guessing other girls do too because I just, that is a huge fear. But I'm going to throw myself into those situations. And I have this year. Like, I've been on a couple first dates with people that I felt a friend by with.

And then they follow up and they're like persistent. And then I go on another one and I have to do it again. Like, I need to just stand my ground more. And I just want to share, though, that, like, I, have you, have, do you guys ever slide into people's DMs? Like, do you, do you ever make the first move? Or do you just wait for them? Because I, I started following this guy from The Bachelorette. Have you guys been watching The Bachelorette?

Yeah. Okay. So there was like a guy that was on there that I thought was like so cute. And I slid in, or no, I started following him. And then I saw him watching my Instagram stories. So then eventually I was like, this guy. And my friend again was like, Nikki, he's intimidated by you. Like, there's no way he would slide.

He doesn't think he has a chance with you. And I was like, oh, okay. Well, I'll just, like, say hello. So I, like, slid in and we were talking. And that's where it, that's where I got some bad intel and was like, just, just ask him, like, talk to him. And then he, like, didn't, he's not writing. I don't know. Like, I can't ever tell these guys like me.

And I think it's just, like, very obvious when they do. Right. Like, I think so. Like, because I, I'll slide. I'll do a slide. I'll do a first move. But I, then I'm like, I will be able to tell if they're into it because they will be into it. You know, like, we always say.

What is it if you're confused. Yeah. If they like you, you'll know if they don't, you'll be confused. And so I hate to say that, but it's like, I think there's nothing wrong with doing that initial slide, doing that initial thing. But they will follow up. And I totally agree, though, that some guys could be intimidated. I don't say that to a lot of women, but I think somebody of your level, they actually

could be. So I think it's okay to give it a little bit more, a little bit more, show them that you're interested, but that you'll know. I think, I mean, if they're just really not responding, they're leaving you on red, It's like, okay, well, I shot my shot. I just like, maybe they're dating somebody. Maybe who knows and who cares. Yeah, that's true.

I'm not scared of the rejection so much, but I do feel like I might need to be a little bit. Instead of guys coming to me because I'm so scared of guys liking me too much, I need to like maybe go after them. I'm all over the place when it comes to this masculine feminine energy thing. And I, but I do think that I, I know that I'm a masculine energy woman as determined by the book getting to, I do that all my friends have read and are now engaged because of reading this fucking book. I think you could also take a little more time. Like, if you're worried somebody is going to fall in love with you and have these feelings for you, you can tell them a little bit less about yourself, I think.

I think sometimes I overshare and I tell people a little bit about my life. And so they feel like they have this connection to me and they don't. And it's because I do tell people a lot about myself. I'm very open. I'll talk about my family. I'll talk about our show and my friends. And I think that I need to share a little less because I think it creates a false sense of security with people

where men are like, she's so into me. And I'm like, no, no, no, I would tell the garbage man this. Like, this has nothing to do with you. And men don't share their feelings, so they're like, whoa, what is this? Like, they've never had that with someone. You're like, oh, no, this is like friendship. And I mean, I read the room.

I'm not like ramming information down somebody's throat that they don't want, but I think that sometimes men are like, okay, she's really into this. All right, it's time for the full court press. And I'm not. I was just being friendly. Yes. I think sometimes if you pull back a little bit and don't share as much,

it doesn't have to speed up so much, much. You don't have to worry somebody's going to suddenly like, be so in love with you. Because they're like, okay, I don't really know this person either. Yeah. That's a good advice. Because I fill awkward silences with like, oh, let me tell you about my eating disorder. Like, I just like can't. My dad went to jail when I was 10. You like that. Well, and that's when I just like, I just, when I'm on a date that's, that I know there's no future. Like, I'm like, I'm not into the sky for whatever reason. I'll just start like asking them questions, finding out who they are, like, therapies them. I'm like,

why do you feel like you have walls up? Like, it's just like, I've come out of these dates where I feel like this guy was like, what the fuck was that? Like, why did I cry? You know, like, I just don't. Because at that point, I'm not revealing stuff. I'm not letting this person who I'm never going to see again, no personal details in my life.

So I just start just asking the stupidest questions. We joked about this. I was on a date with that guy with the voice. The voice thing is so funny. And that should be, we need a voice feature on these apps. I know. Ashley's been talking about it. And I'm like, I have to know what this sounds like.

I know. because I don't, I think that I, anybody would have noticed it, but I actually think I'm more into voices than the average person. So, because I'll notice something about a voice that my, I'll be like, I hate his voice and my, someone, my friend or my mom or whatever, it's like, what do you, I don't hear what you hear. Like, I really am big on a voice. I, I, because I, we talk for a living and I love dirty talk. It's like kind of, my whole thing in life is talking in voices. So I, I'm really big into a guy's voice. It's hard to get past, like, I didn't realize I was until the same thing happened of me on a date where a guy showed up and his voice was like very like just like too high and like

kind of like you know a little like had a list to it that I wasn't I was just like this was Andrew Holland? Andrew's like in my bedroom. Yeah. Does Andrew ever, does anyone ever comment on his voice when he, well there's so much of Andrew out there that girls going into a date with Andrew know exactly they like that's what Andrew was locking out. You know his entire body.

You know every, you know his like mole on his back. You could identify his body. Yes, you could identify his body in a lineup. Like if he was injured in some kind of like, if he was burned, like they would know his teeth. Like he, like, everyone knows every part of him. But that must be so nice because women, Andrew was so lucky. Did you get waxed? He just, he, his body.

What part of his body is waxed? Andrew, can we see it? Why? Should we just bring him in? Yes. Do we have anything else we wanted to cover with us? I feel like we got a lot. We can cover it all with him too.

Anything else we haven't. Okay, let's bring him in. Yeah. Should we answer? You look great. I do want to congratulate. You look fantastic. Fresh out of Florida.

We give everybody a big intro on this show. You have been on the show more times than anyone else, more times than me and Ashley. Always because you ask. I don't know. It feels like a make-a-wish thing. Yeah. Well, you're welcome. We granted it.

Guys, he is a stand-of-comedian. He has an amazing podcast. You can hear me, Ashley, and Nikki on a ton of times called Puddles. Please welcome to the show. Andrew Collin. Thanks for having me. We love you. look fantastic. Your quarantine body

is on point. Yeah, what's going on with you today, Andrew? I got my back wax today. Why? I feel like... Ashley, will you touch it and describe it? I feel it. I feel so like... Where'd you go? Is it moist? I feel weird. I don't like... I don't like touching his body. I saw the choking thing. It was like

uncomfortable for me. Like, yeah. That was so funny, by the way. Wait, just feel my back because I never feel confident. Where was the hair? All over. I mean, not all over. I don't have that hair of a back. Why did you do it? It looks.

How does it look? Is it? It looks nice. Okay. I've, I've, I've been self-conscious about it because women say back hair is disgusting, usually. It doesn't bother me.

I like hair on a man. I don't mean either. I don't believe this. I don't believe this. I don't, I don't mind it. I'd rather hair than, I'd rather some hair than no hair is shaved.

But hear me out. What's worse, yes, is a prickly shaved back. Because I dated the guy that I, the guy that met at the UI school. And all the time when I would touch his back, I'd be like, what is this stubble? Who's shaving this?

I'm fucking a hedgehog that's like going through puberty. A friend who can keep the secret. Yeah. They get friends to do it. Or his girlfriend. Like I was like, are you dating other people? Can you shave your own back? No, only the one spot here.

And that hurt the most. Apparently if you shave, it hurts more when it's waxed there. So I know what you all feel. What are you getting ready for? I don't understand what is happening. Are you... Winter in St. Louis. I don't get what you think is going to happen when you get to St. Louis.

Can I do things for me and not for other people? No. There's no way you did this just for yourself. It's for other people. It's just doesn't make sense. Yeah. Okay, the wax lady asks me, she goes, why are you waxing your back? Yeah, even the woman who does this for a living and is profiting from it,

wanted to know why you're doing this. Are you sure? The person you're paying is like before I take your money, are you? So I said to her, I go, I'm going to Florida. I just went to Florida. I lied to her because I felt insecure. It's like the time that you had scabies and you lied and said that you, he, did you guys know this story?

He lied and said he had a rash on his hand because the nurse practitioner where he went to go get his scabies checked out that were causing him so, he couldn't sleep because itched so much and was burning so much. I didn't know you could get scabies. He got it from a massage place, quote unquote. So a Turkish lady used some dirty towel and leaves, gave him scabies on the leaves. So he suffered with these scabies for months. He goes to the doctor finally to get it treated.

The nurse practitioner is hot. So he then changes his story and lies and says he has a rash on his hand. So he made up something. He like probably scratched his hand feverishly as she went to go get the doctor. And it was like, I have a rash on my hand. And they were like, is that all you're here for? And then he suffered with scabies for so much longer because she was hot. Okay, if you had scabies on your pussy, okay, if you all had scabies on your pussy

and a hot Dr. McDreamy, who's a nurse in this situation. That doctor's not going to date me. I need to clear up my pussy that's scabies so I could date somebody else. Are you dating, are you dating that nurse? Still, no, but you think he has a shot with everyone. He accidentally sent a picture of his dick to his brother's. I love that. his brother's wife

and because he was sending a picture of himself he put it on his Instagram story if you didn't see he was sending a picture of his full body because he's in a workout competition with his brother and he sent it to his brother and it's a live photo he's cupping his balls and his dick no I'm not cuffing I'm not cuffing

it's pure balls and dick it's all out it goes live and you can see everything and he was more embarrassed that he wasn't fluffed up and like it looked puny than he was that his his brother's wife saw it. You like thought you had a chance with your brother's wife.

You like wanted her to think. No, I don't. That is crazy. There was a part of your brain. That is crazy. I don't want her to want to fuck me. Yes, you do. I don't want her to think I'm a bitch. Why are you? What's the difference? You are literally the last person she's ever gonna fuck. Literally. Okay. You never tried to impress someone that you knew. My sister-in-law. I want to make sure my pussy is shaved just right before I send her a dude. No, for your brother-in-law, it would be your brother-in-law, you mean. It would be opposite sex. You're telling me if you accidentally sent a brother-and- Kela. Raina, if you have a sister.

My sister's husband. Anyways, I sent and then she looked at. Listen. Yes. I wouldn't want my brother, like, I wouldn't want some, the man that was married to my sister to think I, like. Had a huge pussy.

Yeah. I'd want him to think he married. I wanted him to think he married the wrong sister. I loved, by the way, you talking about your pussy last year or whatever you did, when you did the whole thing about, uh, like, vaginas all look different, thank you for that. If any of you... You guys both were talking about your vaginas.

Raina, you said that every guy says your vagina is, or your vulva is perfect. Oh yeah, you said... But they often say it's perfect and you realize that this is just a line. But I bet you do have a... Like, it's chubby, but it's like has a lot. It's like so cute, I bet. It got stung by two deans.

Yeah, it's high and tight. And yes, just to... It looks like a white castle bun. It looks like a pork bun actually. It looks like a pork bun, actually. if I could pick like a kind of bun. Yeah. A fatty pork bun?

Yeah. Mine just changes by the day. Like sometimes I'm, yeah, I think I said it. A mind shows a star. And then I look at it and I'm like, who is this grandfather? Like I never, I never know what it's doing down there. It's the same with my body. Like sometimes people are like, you have a six pack.

I'm like, I do today. And then the next day I'm like, where did it go? I never know what's going on down there. It's like one of those dinosaur sponge pills that like will inflit like a stegosaurus will just like come out of my lip. sometimes. It's wild. I really related to that, so thank you for that. But yeah, back to Andrew waxing himself.

Do you think pussies change like balls? Yes. I think heat affects them. You know, it can look a little, it can look a little saggy if it's hot out. Sometimes I'll look at her and I'll be like, you deflated. Where did you go? Yes. Totally.

I'm so glad it's not just me. Yes. No, no. So it's better. And you think it's a winter pussy? Yeah, I think winter pussy is high and tight. Your nips are hard too when it's cold. Like I always like cold sex.

I'm pale, though. I know. For some reason, it makes me, in my mind, I want to eat winter pussy more than summer pussy. Because it's less, like, less gaming. Yeah. Yeah. But I like a hot roast beef sandwich more than cold roast beef. So you would think.

I could take either. I don't know. I mean, I'll eat anything. Yeah. That's true. So, Andrew, you're moving. Andrew, are you moving in with Nikki and let's talk about it? Okay.

So Andrew's moving in with me to St. Louis. We have to know. if he's allowed to bring girls home and Nikki Glazer is just sitting on the couch. Yes, he is. It is his apartment as well. I am allowing whatever he, like, yes, he can, you know, like, we'll have to respect each other, but I kind of, I don't know. I feel like I like when Andrew hooks up because I like to hear the stories.

I just am always very, like, interested in hearing about my friends hooking up. So I feel like I'll, I'll be fine with it. I just, I hope that it's no one who's just, like, wants to, like, be. in my apartment and like is like just trying to get not that I ever think that that's what someone's trying to do I'm like the last person to really think that they're like using me or something but maybe that could be the case so I just wish you were you I hope you're on alert for that um it actually I kind of like that to be like she just wanted to meet me loser like that would kind of like that would actually make me happy I pass out on like a chicken

salad sandwich and I wake up and she's in your bed yeah she's like smelling Nikki's hair Just clipping your toenails like, hey. No, I love you. I'm excited to live with you. Yeah, his bedroom is like far enough away from mine. We have like an extra bedroom separating it. It's so big. It's like such a great apartment.

I love it so much. I'm so excited. I wanted to have a roommate. I've lived with my parents since March. I just like living with people. When I live alone, it's like I'm never home. Like when I lived alone in New York, I was doing stand-up all the time and like out. So I just, I only went home to sleep.

I don't like being alone. So I, I, I, I've, wanted Andrew to be my roommate for a really long time. And now I just convinced him that he's like... I can never imagine saying that sentence. That's like my nightmare. Living with Ash, also people don't know you guys. I don't know how, but Andrew has traveled with you for years doing comedy.

So you guys are like best friends. You've traveled together. Yeah, started as my dog walker. Mm-hmm. I usually live in New York. I got rid of my apartment and I've just been here and I kind of like it. And I've been able to work from here. So I'm like, oh, I'll just, I'll get a six-month lease.

So let's just try it out for six months. It's like a short amount of time and it'll be fun. We'll make content. I'm starting a new podcast. Andrew's going to be a part of that. So like I need a friend here. I mean, I'm desperate for it. I have a burning question for you guys.

This is like not sexy at all. Are you, Nikki, are you neat? Are you like a tidy person or just like normal or messy? I am, you know what? I'm going to say I'm normal because I do air on the side of like messiness when I'm in a hotel room or when I'm at my parents' house and I like don't respect it. Like I am like a slob and I am, it's something I've really struggled with in my life because it's like something I, my sister is neat, my family is neat and I'm like always been a mess and I've always felt

like it was like what's wrong with me. And now I'm just like, it's kind of quirky. I don't really lose that much stuff. Like I don't care. Um, so you're not like an OCD person. You guys aren't going to like fight fight about like clean up your sock. I think I will be like, you know, a little bit clean up your dishes like don't like yeah we'll we'll tight i think we're both the same and i'm gonna have a maid just do my parts of the apartment just your half i went home i draw the line down the carpet you're like don't touch his touch do you guys have separate bathrooms yes okay i think that that is like the key is you know it is my worst nightmare to like have to shit when i'm around a guy i've been dealing with this recently and like i don't know what to do if i don't care i could fart in bed

do you have a balcony so i can run and jump off of it if a man he's hears me shit. No. Me and Nikki have a system. We have a system. We have a system. Nikki goes balcony. And he goes the balcony and then I can shit or fart or do anything.

And so when I say balcony, he just goes out. So we got a balcony at this apartment. And yeah, I think we'll just have to get comfortable with that. Are you okay with him hearing you have sex? Yeah, I don't care. I mean, I actually be pretty proud of myself. But I don't think he, yeah. Are you loud?

I am loud. I didn't know I was loud, but I have... She's got to be loud to cover her. Yeah, exactly. I fart, you know? And so, um... She yells, fart. It's like yelling fire. Actually, you should yell bomb every time you fart and see... Don't get scared. No one don't think you're farting.

I think it's a burglar. We're just like play music really loud. Some guy leaves your house. You're like, I don't know. Nikki Glazer was like a great label. She blessed Metallica and I don't understand. You should make a second. playlist. I feel this for you.

I am having too much set. Like the sex I've had never put on music and I think that would drown out the farts. Actually, actually can tell you about it. I never have music on. It's like dead silent. I'm the only person filling the room with sound. Yes. Me too. We recommend the small. That's the song that you sing. Yeah, yeah. That's our theme.

It's a valid actually. I just put it to lyric, yeah. You know. To a beat. The drops. The beat drops. I call Ashley. You have to come with the beat drops. I call Ashley. I'm like, hey, I should. I'm just trying to come up. Fill me up with come. With come.

With come. We all joined somehow. I'm off the day. Remember, though, like when you would hook up when you're 15, it was always music. You had to have music. Yes, the radio. So when did you go to silence? I like the radio because I know how many commercial breaks there have been until I come.

If you, there's nothing worse than a radio commercial. Like if I'm fucking in some like used car dealership commercial companies. We come on down for nine, nine, nine. The shame company. Oh, yeah. At the quarter of $3,4.70. I got to tell you guys the story. The first time I ever jerked this guy off, it took about an hour and I'll tell you why I know that.

Four commercial breaks came on the radio while I was jerking him off. Brad, he's a doctor now. Oh, my gosh. Raina, that is insane. You gave someone an hour-long hand jump to the radio. It was Casey Kaysam. She just wanted to know what the number one hit was. So she just, like, was taking her time.

Yeah, but you'll start at song 37. You start at like song six. Not me. But Nikki, we recommend the small Amazon Alexa. It's like a small one. It's like 50 bucks and you put it next to your bed. It's also a great alarm clock. Mine has a timer or a clock on it.

And then you just can like, it's so easy to just like tell it what to play. So you're not trying to like cue up music on your phone or something. Oh, that's good. So when I can put it next to my assol? Yeah, yeah. Alexi, me my ass. Alexa, play eat my butt. No, I wonder if you could hook up a vibrator too to Alexa.

What? Like, you could go Alexa, put it on medium speed. That's my other thing that I wanted to talk about is that I had to stop watching porn because, like, first of all, I can't have sex. I can't have an orgasm with sex without, like, a vibrator and pen attration. Really? Like, I just, I haven't been able to. Oh, I thought Sean Penn. Yeah.

Can you know, Robin Wright? What if you just masturbate? Oh, and a big pen. Oh, and a big pen. You're just ramming it. get your clit. Yeah. Really focused.

What if you just masturbate or do you need the vibration? If, oh, masturbation I use the clit sucking thing. And so I always have a toy. I could never just use my hand. I don't either. I'm not the, we call that the elite brain. But I mean, if there's a dick in me, I don't need the vibration. I can just masturbate or not mal.

I come from vaginal sex all the time, but all the time when I'm getting laid. But I don't need the vibration if there's a dick in me. If there's a, if there's a dick in me and there's a thing in my. my butt, like a something, a plug or something, then I can come without a vibrator. But then all three is like, it's so good. But I do do the vibrator, but like, I actually just came. It's so good. Like triple D.

Like you're just like, I'm stuffed. Um, and, but take, there's no more like things like, and my butts plugged up. So I'm like, I can come now. I won't fart. Oh, you won't fart. Yeah, right? Oh, that's what it is. Um, but when everything leaves, boy.

you start pulling a bottle. The Alexa gets like shot off the counter. So funny to like have to take three things off your vagina. Like you're like, if you do it all at once, you deflate like a balloon. Oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy.

But my, but I had to stop watching, I had to stop masturbating because I was just like watching too much porn that was like not achievable. Like I was like, oh, no one's ever going to be able to, the stuff that was only able to make me come was like, multiple men and it just that's never going to happen multiple men they had the ethnicity of like a

Dave Matthews band like the different makeup of and it's just like I don't know that many guys even for this to happen I also think maybe Nikki you could find a guy that like has a fart fetish and you would be like set oh that that's true yeah like there's guys like like women to like fart on cakes maybe you can find a guy with two dicks and a vibrating like what if there's you can what about a finger finger pads in your finger and those vibrating finger pads. I have some of those. Oh, yeah. I just need a finger on your butt. Yeah. I mean, I've never had that, but that would be good. I'd do that. Well, this has been

a blast. We love you guys. Actually, a finger blast, if you will. So fun. Yeah. It's a good time. We are going to miss you, Andrew. What we wish you guys in St. Louis. I told Rayna, you didn't, I don't know if you know this. We're going to go there for spring break. So spring break St. Louis. I told actually about an hour ago that she makes all the plans now. So that's what we're doing. We'll be there. Yeah. Mid-March when all the college kids are out. We're going to hit St. Louis. It's the place to be. I like to call it the

the, um, the combo of the Midwest. Andrew is going to be waxed for it again. All right. All right. Well, Andrew, best of luck. You guys, we really do want to come visit there. Like, why not? Please do. Yeah, we will. Can you, um, we know you have some upcoming stuff. You can't talk about yet, but tell everybody where they could find you guys, your Instagrams and Instagram, Nikki Glazer, Twitter, Nikki Glazer.com.

And yeah, well, I'll be announcing a new. podcast, a daily podcast that'll be starting sometime in March of this year. So check that out and you'll hear Andrew on that. And yeah, just stay tuned. We'll let you know when it's coming out. Andrew, do you want to- Oh, Andrew T. Collin on Instagram. Follow me there. I put live updates of my body and my back. No hair ever, never hair on there. All right. Well, thank you guys so much. Thank you. We'll see you in St. Louis. We can't wait for the podcast to launch. We'll let all you guys know when it does. And I'll just take us out really quickly. You guys know where to find us. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com.

Girls Got Eat Podcast on Instagram. Ash Hess and Raina.com on Instagram. Girls underscore Got Eat on Twitter and YouTube.com slash Girls Gotto Eat. We'll see you next week. Have a good week, guys. Bye.