Girls Gotta Eat - Sex, Drugs, and Relationship Roles feat. Comedian Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Fresh off a world tour, we have comedian Ari Shaffir join us to chat about non-monogamy and honesty in a relationship, why he doesn't want kids, leaving his religion, and doing drugs to change your life. We also recap our latest travel experiences (including Rayna's ex), and Ashley's recent "Is This Weird?" date. Enjoy! Check out Ari's website for tour dates, videos, and more. Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast.com, check our website for merch and tour dates, and get extra episodes at Patreon.com/girlsgottaeat. Thank you to our sponsors for this episode: Bioclarity: Get a FREE clarifying mask by going to bioclarity.com and use code GGE when you purchase a routine. BeachBody: Text GGE to 303030 for your free trial membership. Poshmark: Get $5 off your first purchase at Poshmark.com, use code GGE5. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Be monogamous or don't. Have kids or don't. Take tons of drugs or don't. Like, just live your whole life. Just be honest about what you're doing. And, like, that's your truth. And that's what makes you a good person. Thanks.

I'll take it. I'm not you. Oh, okay. That's going to make somebody a good person. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Yep. That's what it is. You know what it is.

You know what it be. We have such an exciting show planned. We have one of Raina's favorites. She's back in her guest. booking mode. So she's booked this guy. She's so excited. You're like giggling. I was laying in bed one night watching his comedy special and I was just like, we have to have this guy. He's so funny. So we have Ari Shafir coming up who is a phenomenal comedian. We'll tell you guys. A famous comedian. Yeah, it's a very famous comedian. And my neighbor. Oddly lives next door to you.

Yes. So we're recording here at the apartment, but we're so excited he'll be on in a few. So while you guys are listening, we're actually in L.A. for our shows. which we will catch you up on next week. But we also just got back from D.C. We want to tell you about the shows. Oh my gosh. D.C. Did you love it?

What can I say? I feel like, you know, like when you write a yearbook entry, you're like, Raina, what can I say? You've been such a good friend through all these years. Like, I'm like, DC. What can I say? I love you so much. Thank you for being there for us.

They were so good. The shows were so fun. I just want to say, we were planning our year for the shows. We were like, which has we prioritized cities? And I was like, D.C., we got to go as soon as possible. And I was like, second week in January now. People aren't trying to come party and drink. I was wrong.

Monday to Tuesday list. I am pleasantly surprised by how wrong you were. Because I have to say these were, I love all of our shows and all of our audiences are phenomenal. But obviously, I feel like as I do live performing better, I get better. So these are two of my favorite shows we've ever, ever done. I cannot say enough about this audience. they were so good. Yeah, you were on fire.

I mean, you had a little extra motivation. Yes, I did. In the audience. Raina's ex was in the house. It's my dream. Night two. Isn't it every girl's dream to just be able to like get up on stage and roast the person you used to date? Yeah, it's a dream.

That's why we started this. That was the motivation for this podcast and for doing the live shows. Right. This is the first time I've ever gotten to publicly thank. one of them in front of 300 people. Yeah. And by thank, I mean, talk about all of our sexual ineptitudes together. Well, yes. And so he was there night two. But we talked about him night one, two, but night two, he was really there. Yeah. I started, I was like, you know, I love D.C. so much. My ex is here. Nobody really said anything. I was like, no, no, no, he's here,

like in the room. Yes. Yes. No, you're totally right. People were like, yeah, whatever, he lives here, no, no, no. He's right there, like that at that table. But you, I just have to say, Rayna had told me about this guy, obviously. We talked about him a lot on the podcast, her and I've talked about him plenty. And you really set the bar solo. Like, you were like, I can't wait to see how much you don't like him. And I was like, who is going to, like, who is he?

Like, what is he? Like, what is he? How hateable is he? That's also a joke I used up the show. So sorry for the repeat. But I liked him so much. He came in the green room. I was like dreading me in this guy.

I'm like, this guy's going to be fucking dud. And now he's in our little tiny, green room when we're trying to just get ready for the show. This is so annoying. I'm just trying to eat fries and peas. I don't fucking meet this dude. He walked in. I was like, okay.

His vibe was great. I adore him. He's so great. If he wasn't your ex, I'd be into it. She like slowly throughout the day was like talking about him. At the end of the day, she was like, he's hot. No, I said, he's sexy. And you go, what?

I'd never even use that word. Well, okay, truthfully, we were together for a year on and off. For like a whole other year, we talked constantly and slept together, but we were really together. And then for a third year, I mean, sort of the same thing. But he got a girlfriend and we didn't really speak again for a year, a year and a half. And I mean, I think he's a good guy. Like, that's why he did that, you know?

But for sure, yeah. We haven't really talked for a long time. But he really was, like, one of my best friends for a long time. I didn't think that he would like each other because he's just very, like, even keeled. Like he's not a super excitable person. But I think that that's maybe why you liked him because it doesn't come in super strong. Well, it was funny because you were like, he won't laugh at any of your jokes.

I'm like, well, he did. Like I was like, I made a good one when we were walking into Barcelona after the show and got a good laugh. So you were wrong. I was like, Ashley, he was drunk. Right. We connected. So stay tuned. Ashley's going to date my ex-boyfriend now.

I can't wait. But he, you know, the thing about this that I love is that he's not like your main ex. He's not the one that was like really fucked you up. You know, like everybody has that one person. And for me, it's like there's that one person. And then any other of my exes I would be friends with. You know, like I love that you guys are your friends. And, you know, or more.

I don't know. No, your friends. But he, uh, and that's the thing. Like I'm thinking about my ex that we joke about that's boring, that we did long distance. Like we always compare these two guys, even though I don't think your ex is boring. But I would love to be friends with him. Like, you know, it's just like I, he means married down with the kid.

If they want to come to our Tampa show. I'd be glad to have them, you know? And so, but we also, we ended the show night two, and it was great. Again, these shows were so great, but, like, I just felt like the ending wasn't strong enough. And I was like, you know what? Come up here. And I brought Raina's X on stage. I was so nervous that he wouldn't come.

And I'm like, we can't see because the lights are in our eyes. I'm like, oh, my God, is he going to come up? And he's, like, climbing over every. He was like the back corner. I know. And it was, I've never, there was no aisles to the front of the room. Yeah. He's, like, climbing over our.

the people in the audience to get up. He comes up on stage. It was like the perfect end tonight too. But at the beginning of the show, I mean, he really let me rip him to shreds. Like I wrote it, I did not. Your bits were insane. You were physical comedy. She was like, my mean a titty fuck. It was insane. I was like, what is she? I had no idea that was coming. I got off my stool. I was like, I'm out. She's ready. You take it from here. Well, we were sitting at the coffee shop before the show and I'm like writing some jokes about him. And I'm like so nervous. I'm going to forget all of them because I wrote three really good ones. And I mean, I said, that, like, he couldn't find my clit, even if it was on Google Maps.

And, like, we got through, like, a couple jokes. And I was like, I guess I'm just going to start, like, ad-libbing because this is killing so hard. Yeah, and then I started mimming getting titty-fucked with the microphone. I was like, I was so shook by it. But he sat through the whole thing. His sister was there. She was there.

She left early. Good for her. Which I'm glad. I'm glad. Good for her. She might have left pre-titty-fuck. I'm not sure. That's probably when she loved.

When you had the microphone down in between your tits. And that's when she was like, you know what, I gotta go. The dog. The dog needs me. Yeah, she was like, the dog. And I was like, haven't you been here for like 10 minutes? Your dog's fine. Oh, my God.

So she laughed so I guess he can show his face at Christmas. But, um, right. Yeah, it was a great time. I'm glad that you're in love with him now. He's great. You guys are dating. The show was, this was the most that like we've kind of totally went off script and really like rift and it was such a blast.

And there was one point in the show where we're like midway between a segment. of the live show, probably, you know, like within the first hour. And I look out in the audience and I see this girl has her hand raised. Like it's fucking... Like it's a panel discussion or we're taking... A press briefing.

Like it's meet the press. She's like, excuse me. Ashley, I have a question. No, so I was like, what? And like, I don't have to address that, but I thought it was very funny. She looked like she wasn't... First of all, I like that she wasn't yelling stuff out

because I don't love when people yell stuff out at our show. It's our show. I mean, I like a little bit, but like it's also. please calm down. You know, you were not on stage. You don't have a microphone for a reason. So I'm like, okay, she's being polite. So I like called on her. I'm like, I'm sorry, you have your hand raised. And she was like, Ashley, yeah, I remember you saying that you had a date last week. And I'm like, what the fuck? This is what we're doing now? Just taking questions. Well, to be fair, like, I talked about all the dates. I had been on all these guys like that have been in and out

in the last couple weeks. And these girls were probably like, Ashley, what do you have going on? It was so funny. And that was also, I don't think we, I'll talk about the date in a second, but I don't think that, I think I said this on the Patreon, actually. I don't think that we mentioned this last week's episode. So she's a Patreon listener. So I had talked about this date with this guy that I was going on that night, the day that we recorded the Patreon. And she wanted to know what happened. And so again, we can do whatever we want. It's our show. But I was like, you know what, fuck it. So anyway, and I told the whole date story. So if anyone's listening that was in the audience, sorry, you're about to hear it again. So whatever. But yeah, I mean, I went, I was going to, I was

going to address this anyway. It's very funny. I went out with this guy and this was a guy, I don't fucking care. He's listening, but what do I care? This is a guy that I did mean in Mexico City. I said that I met a few guys from New York there. So we ended up going out in a date. He asked me out. And we went out. We met in my neighborhood. I live in the East Village. So we met kind of more over in more in Alphabet City where it's a little rough around the edges. But we met and had drinks. We went to like three different places, really fun. We were, you know, drinking a lot of tequila, having a good time. I was like, semi-interested. It wasn't like this love my life. I'm not super vibe being connected, but it was fun. You know, I was having a good time.

You know, at one point, we were like going to one bar from the next. He did kiss me. And I was like, ah, it was a little caught off guard off. It was freezing outside. I was like, can we just, my mouth is frozen shut. Like, this is not what I'm trying to make out on the street in 10 degree weather. Exactly. But we leave the third place. And this was very, like, time to go. You know, I wasn't, it wasn't an abrupt end of the date. I was ready to go home. It was 1130 a night on school night, whatever. And we're on the street about to say goodbye. And he was like, okay, well, my Uber's here. And I was like, oh, oh, you got an Uber. And he was like, yeah, I mean, you can come home with me if you want. And I was like, okay, no. But what an offer, buddy. What an offer. And then

I was like, ha ha, no. And he just got me Uber and just drove away. And I'm like on the street, Avenue C, kind of hood for midnight. Yeah, I mean, it's not the safest place. It's just not that populated. It's also, I walk him from there all the time, but 10 degrees outside, you know? And I was like, what man just hops in a car? I didn't even know he called it and just leaves his date on the street to fend for herself. Again, independent woman over here.

Hello. But like, doesn't even say, can I walk you home? Doesn't say, do you want the Uber to drop you off? I mean, I was shook. I just, I feel like I'm weird. I feel like I've thought about this every day for like a week. I've polled all these people.

Like I've asked guys that I've asked men, I've asked women, I've asked people that I'm romantically interested in. I'm very, this behavior is amazing to me because it could mean absolutely nothing or it could mean that he's just like such a jerk or like it just or he had like explosive diarrhea.

I mean, who's to say? But I would have been I think I should have gotten an explanation. I just feel like you never understand why people do what they do. And like it could be just like he thought you were like so independent. You might be insulted if he was like, let me walk you home.

or like didn't want to like insult you by like pretending that he didn't know you could invite him in or something like that. I just think that like any, I wouldn't do it to one of my girlfriends. So I certainly wouldn't do it on a date to like the opposite sex. Yeah. This wasn't like a, oh my God, this guy was so repulsed by me. You know, I got to get out of here. Like I could tell this guy was into the date. He texted me the next morning and said, you know, I don't really have any interest in going out with him again.

Like, again, it was like not everybody's a connection. He was fine. I had a good time, but I'm not, like, if I really liked him and really wanted to pursue this or him pursue me, like, I would bring it up, but I don't care. Right. Like, if he asked me out again, I'd probably be like, yeah, you're going to leave me on the street again and hop into an Uber that I didn't know you called. I mean, it was just, it felt rude. It felt like I don't need a bunch of chivalry on a date, but that was just, I mean, there's a bar that you're supposed to hit.

There is. And I thought about this a lot. And, again, like, I think that I love your strategy. Like, yeah, if it was super random, we went out all right, I'd neg him a little bit. and we get past it, just so that he knew that I didn't love it. But I don't know, where you look three or four blocks away from your apartment in the middle of the night, somebody doesn't offer to walk you home. It's that you weren't next to a subway.

Yeah, I'm at Avenue C. Or like, I live in Brooklyn. Not every guy that I go on a date with in Manhattan is going to walk me home or Uber me home. But like they at least make sure I get in a car safe. To me, I am going to walk home. I'm happy to walk home. I walked there.

I'm walking home. It's not far. Just ask me. Are you good? No even quick. Like, bye, see you later. What? I was like, oh my God, and it's freezing.

You know, it was just, I was turned off by it massively. He's listening. I don't fucking care. I mean, if I'm not mad at this guy. I don't think he's a bad dude, but not interested at him to go out again. I think you're the right out of here. Now he knows. Now you've sent the message. Yeah, now he knows.

Also, I'm not being a pussy by not bringing this up. Like I said, if it comes up, I mean, I'm sure he'll text me right after this. Yeah, but it's not being opposed. Like, you don't need to start unnecessary arguments with people like some bitter, like, asshole. Like if I'm not interested, if I'm interested in dating somebody and they do something that genuinely sort of bothers me, it's important to mention it. Yeah, but we're not, yeah, we're not dating. But like, yeah, you're not some like psychopath that's going to be like, I didn't like this.

I mean, I'm not going to see you again, but I don't like this. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, that's my date story that I was forced to tell on stage in D.C. All right. So now that we wrap this out, do you want to get into the guest for today? Yes. I am really excited about this one. I feel like I say that every week.

But I feel very fortunate that we have a platform where we can, like, invite all these people on that I think are so cool and you think are. are so cool. And there's a reason to have them here. So I found this person, I mean, he's a really famous comedian. Yeah. He's easy to find. Hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram. Longtime comedy veteran. He has a Netflix special that is really, really fantastic. Just got back from a world tour, sold out venues all over Europe. Yeah, casual. He's on Joe Rogan all the time. If you guys ever heard of him, he's a podcast that's a few more listeners than ours. Just a couple. Also, Joe Rogan, if you're listening, we'll come on. We'll slum it on your show anytime. slum it on Joe Rogan.

So today I'm super excited. We are welcome being R. Shafir, who has all these other accolades. But you have other things you do that are great. Have you a podcast called Skeptic Tank? Yeah. Very nice. Good research.

I like usually. Ashley is usually the one that like really goes in. We did this 10 minutes before. Yeah. Yeah. But we Wikipedia's you 10 minutes ago. 30 seconds. But where do you live now?

You live in New York City. Right next door. It's next door. Like it'll take me a minute to walk home. It's so ideal for you. And us, I've never looked at this shitty meeting a new person. What do you think about the Target? Are you a fan?

It's really against it at first. Right. It's super gentrification. It's very gentrified. It's so convenient. But Target is not gentrification really. Okay. Because Target is bougie.

It's for lower class. Targei came from all these black people who were like, Target's actually great and cheap. Yeah. True. So Target is not like... Pottery Bar and Sacks coming in here. Exactly. You know, all right, or pottery bar.

Yeah. So then part of me is like, I actually love Target. I didn't want it here, but it's going to be real convenient to have a target here. It's really so incredible. Starbucks I'm way more against. True. Okay, you're exactly right. It's not gentrification.

Yeah, it's like cheap. It's like budget shit. It's boringification of it. I don't want chain stores. It's just like basic white girl. It's the whole basic white girl movement made it kind of. So are you single? Are you dating?

Off and on, different things. I'm single in New York. So you have a girlfriend when you're not in which city? Here. You have a quote unquote You have a lady friend here and you are Okay So you fuck on the road

You know whatever Okay So like if you're in Kansas City you can fuck Yeah Okay can we back up Because we ask Whatever I want I'm a grown up an American

Who was free to make his own decision But we asked you this prior to recording And the quote was very funny It was like I am dating someone She's trying to get me to be more monogamous Which is very funny She's trying to get me to be more monogamous Just like let's wrap our heads around that

Most that's funny That's not, it's your truth. I don't like to lie. I don't like to cheat. Every time I've been in a non-monogous relationship, all the women, like the women dating my friends, they all get mad at me. I don't know why.

But you're honest? Yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to cheat. She's like, you are cheating. I'm like, I'm not cheating if you're not lying about it. Totally. You're right. Cheating is the lie.

Well, she could choose. It's when you don't have the information. I can't choose to not be with you because I don't know I'm getting cheated on. If I know about it, I could choose to not be with you. If I said, oh, I'm busy all this week. I can't go on dates with you. And then she found out, wait, you've just been home watching movies by yourself? Like, what the fuck?

Why don't you just, like, no cheating, but stills, you'd be like, You're lying. Yeah, what? I just haven't you just been time with me. So do you bring it? Do you tell her when you have sex with somebody? I'm like this with most people. I'm like, look, it's a tricky situation.

So how do you want to play? I was married for a while to an relationship. There's a lot happening here. So, yeah, it's a back and forth. So we have these, like, rules you set up, which I think you've got to got to revisit the rules constantly. In your marriage, you mean? Uh-huh.

Okay. So the rules were... Like vows? Is that what we call them? Sort of. It's like not in the apartment. Okay. This is our place.

She's like, I don't want some fucking skank touching my toothbrush and doing something to it. I'm like, that's fair. But she can touch the penis that your wife owns, which is not the toothbrush. Owns? Right. Exactly. But not her shit, which I get...

Wait, so hold on. Were you guys open marriage, she could do whatever she wants as well? And would she take advantage? Oh, yeah. Oh, cool. Okay. continue. Yeah.

So you had some rules. Way harder than I was. Okay. So she, you leveled up a little bit. She's out of your league. Yeah, I don't know how.

I just stayed out of my league. That's good. You're confident. You got that big of energy, you know? Yeah, it's a new thing. When that term came out, everybody started calling me.

I was like, what is that? What is this? Like this thing we had that we never put our finger on. The New York Times featured you in the article. You're on the front page of it. It's just like Ari Shapir has a huge cock. Or at least acts like it.

The energy of one. Yeah. So did you go into the relationship being monogamous and then it became an open relationship? The wife? The wife. No. She had a boyfriend at the time. I had a girl I was dating and she was like, you want to get married?

I was like, sure. Fuck it. It was just like a yolo thing. Yeah. I kind of had a shitty relationship. I was still like shell shocked a little bit getting cheated on. So I was just like, whatever. I'm done with monogamy.

Okay. So this was your first foray into the... Yeah, but we had fun with it. She would go on date sometimes. I was just like, going to come. And I was like, not with her, but like, she goes, sit in the back. I'm going to claim sickness. And then I'll, like, walk out and I'll come in the back and watch the end with you.

And I'm like, hell yes. Wait, I feel like. Yeah, we go to the saddle ranch on sunset. It was like down the street from my apartment. And she was like, yeah, I'm here right now. Come to check out this guy. And I would. And I would like meet and lock eyes around the, like, you know.

Wait, this is sexy. Oh, yeah. You guys are freaks. I like this. Yeah. I found out the thing I later read in Sex at Dawn that when she would come home from like, hooking up with somebody else, I would be like way harder. Really?

Would she, like, when you guys had sex, did she, like, tell you about sex? But I've seen some porn on that recently. Uh-huh. And I can see why that would be fun. Once you can get into your brain, she's not leaving me, you know? I mean, but you never know, right? I mean, you don't know for sure. You don't know for sure, but within the agony.

I mean, how many people. You just felt confident in their relationship. Leave their wife or husband. True. For somebody. No, that's not what stops it. So did it take you a little getting used to? Yeah, I would be jealous.

I'd be jealous. I feel the pain that I compared once to, I don't know if I still hold by this, but let me say it and see how it feels, when your favorite team loses in the playoffs, when you think like when they're a favorite. It just, like, bothers you. No, I don't really solve that.

I'm not as into sports as I was when I said at the first time. It ruins like an afternoon? It's just like, yeah, and then you just get over it. Okay. All right. That's like. Okay, that makes sense then. I'm like a big Steelers fan,

and like I'd be bummed when they would lose. For like two seconds. Yeah. Especially if they're like Super Bowl favorites and they lose in the first round. You're like, fuck. Yeah. Right. I had these plans with Super Bowl party. It was going to be Steelers themed.

You know, with more pain, you might get nauseous, literally nauseous. But like more hard-ons, it sounds like in your situation because it turns you on. At least that one time I remember fucking in the shower when she came home. And it was just like, Jesus. Yeah. It's the sociologically or whatever. Sex of Dawn says it's the males fight to be for this sperm. to be dominant.

So you're trying to like pull the other sperm out with your cock and then get yours in. Was it her idea to do this? It was never going to be not that. Between both of you. Yeah. So I... Hold on. What?

It was her idea? He said they both sort of... We went into it. No one had to be convinced that was going to be the way it was. Oh, we were both just into it. Gotcha. Okay. She had this other boyfriend.

Oh, right. Okay. Gotcha. So we didn't address this on our last episode, but we had a couple that's in a polygamous relationship. And some of the feedback was just... that people didn't really understand the relationship or it's out of like he didn't really want to be in it as much as her and we didn't ask so I mean I can't answer that for anybody but

it sounds like at least in your situation like everybody was super on board and happy to do it okay well here's what you should everybody should know about monogamy and polygamy to me is just too much work to date another person that's what my brother says he's like do you know how much work my wife is I couldn't like put another person in there no way no way there's just it's like It's like a second job. What are you talking about? I almost want to be the second girlfriend. Oh, yeah.

Like, that's the dream. Oh, I've been a sidepiece before. Okay. Yeah, Christina. No, she didn't hook me up with her from guys we fucked. Oh, yeah. She was our chaperone, though, on our first date. Oh, okay.

I was, I ended up being a sidepiece. And their rule was she couldn't sleep over, which I was like, fine. Great. I will have a great morning by myself. Yeah. I'd always like fuck with her too. I was like, come on, please sit. I want you to sleep over so bad.

She's like, I can't. I don't really watch you too. I love to see by myself. Wait, I'm wondering if it's the couple that the guy went out. Do you remember their names? It's the girls who's a mack? Yeah. Hey, we're like, we're like, Eskimo sisters.

We were Eskimo brothers. We didn't fuck like we. Yeah. They've broken up since then. I know. All right. Sorry, well, that's all going to cut. That's hilarious.

You're all red. I was just like, I don't know why. I'm not embarrassed anyway. It's very funny. I was like hoping that was the case. That's crazy. Once he said Christina. Wow. That's funny.

I was into him. I just... Did he have rules for you? No. We literally just went on one date. And it was one of those things like we met on an app. And then it just fizzled. It was like the weekend came and we were just like, okay, you know, but...

So here's one of the reasons why I think they're healthy. So if you don't grow out with a guy like that, because you're in a monogical relationship. If that's a reason not to go out with that guy, then part of you feels bitter towards this experience you can't have because of your boyfriend. Right. Or husband. Yeah. But if you just went for it, no sex came out of it. It just sort of fizzled out. Yeah. And now you're not angry

at the person not letting you do the thing. Yeah. I mean, if I was with somebody, I wouldn't probably be just seeking other people. Like, I would like to be in a relationship at the end of the day. But the basis of it, by the way, is you love the other person. Right. So just like any relationship, 90% of it is just like, oh, we love going on

for late night pizza. Yeah. We're both into narcos. You know what I mean? And we talk other people sometimes. Right. The same, most of it's the same shit. Let me ask you this because I feel like this is a question. I feel like people want to know when we discuss this. How often were you guys fucking other people or was it like it just ebbed and flowed?

Would it be like a few weeks without it or was it? Got super mad at me all the time. Like if she, they felt I read it, they felt like my ideas were attacking their sense of success. Yeah, but it wasn't. No, I'm saying that's what they thought. Yeah. They thought maybe that or like, yeah. I understand that.

Okay. I'm not saying. I agree, but I get it. Totally. These are people that I'm friends with through my, there was never anything sexual there, you know, but they're mad at it on their husbands or boyfriends behalf. Right. Well, they're like, this guy's a shitty person.

But, I mean, as long as you're being honest, you're not being a shitty person if your partner accepts it. Yeah. Were you going on dates with other people? Occasionally. Because it's like you can't just say, hey, come over and blow me. Right. Especially back then before Tinder and shit. I'm sure.

That just wasn't a positive. So you have to achieve a level of respect. But can we back up? Like, are you like, I got to fuck somebody new? every night. Was it like you would go months or weeks of time with just being monogamous

or does it? Yeah, it didn't suddenly give me the capacity to just fuck. Like I couldn't just pull anything suddenly. Yeah. You know what I mean? The same problems I had before

getting a mate didn't go away. But if I tried on the road and failed, it was like, hey, no big deal. I got my wife waiting for me. Or I'd actually try less. Because I'm like, I could do this with some shitty fucking B-minus. So if I have somebody I'm really into,

tomorrow. I'm like, nah, I'll just go to sleep and see my lady tomorrow. Okay. And so... So sometimes it would actually make me do it less. Is this, I mean, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but why did you guys end it? It sounded like you were a good match. Fizzled out. Went four years. Okay. Longest relationship by a lot. Was it mutually fizzling? Yeah, we just became friends. Okay. Okay. Did she... And then, like, fought like twice. And then like, what are we doing? We're done, right? Were you still just both hooking up with other people then?

Yeah, but it was just like our thing. We're, we're, we're just like, we're And the sex between us never got any worse. It wasn't that. It was just like, we just sort of stopped caring about each other. Okay. You know, when you break up with somebody. I think this is really interesting. We haven't done an episode about this yet, but we've wanted to.

Like when a relationship is over, not because somebody cheated or because you did something terrible to the person, when you just sort of wake up one morning and you're like, I'm just not into this anymore. Yeah. Well, I continue it and fight and be bitter. Because that you will if you stay in a horrible thing. Yeah. Right. But like, we've gotten a bunch of emails from girls that are like, I'm just like lukewarm on this

person and I love them. but, like, is that reason enough to pull the plug? He didn't do anything wrong to me. And I was in a relationship like that for a long time. We're like, he was a great person. Yeah, nothing on paper. You didn't, one of the things I realized when I was an adult, like, I cannot like somebody who haven't wronged me.

Right. You know? In high school, it's like, you have to have done something with to me. Yeah. Or be a nerd. Right. One of those two things to be like, no, you're out of my life. But like.

Conventional wisdom is just like, you break up because somebody does something horrible to you. Right. And that doesn't have to be it. Yeah. It's like, yeah, they got really into golf and I'm just not into it or travel and I'm not into it. Yeah. Do you remember how long you felt like that?

Like how long that, I think this is really interesting. Like, did that fester inside of you for a long time? No, what? The fizzle? Yeah, the fizzle. It was like five, six months of it. And then we both kind of realized like, wait, it sums off here. I was like, yeah.

I wouldn't, I would never advise somebody like when you're feeling that way for three days to break up. Right. No. Like, love comes and goes. Well, and you guys were committed. Yeah. So do you want to see where it goes? I mean, it sounds like it was like the best.

best case scenario that it was both sides. That sucks if one person's still in love and the other person's like, I feel like this is fizzling, right? And they're like, no. Yeah. I love you. I was about to propose. Or like when you go long distance, when somebody gets a job interview or goes to college

and you try to make it work, like, don't try to make it work. It's now a way different thing. Break up and still love each other, the memory. You know? Don't like run this into the ground. Yeah. Why would you get some like when you think about like, fuck that person. When you could have just been like, oh, they were great.

Because you got to burn it to the ground. Some people, I know. My ex and I broke up, and then we got back together, and when we did another whole year of just, like, lighting each other on fire. Like, I just had to get out of our system, and I moved away. You know, it's like, we had to do what we had to do. Yeah, I just, I feel like it's, it's also like the fear of, like the devil that you know is so much better than the devil that you don't know, kind of.

You're like, I could stay here in this comfortable home. We're friends. We get along. At least the bed's warm. Yeah. And, like, this acts is regular. And it's like, well, do I go back out into the world and, like, fish again? Which is like, oh, this is going to be so...

But so people stay in bad jobs. Same reason. Totally. Bad jobs, bad relationship. It's that or unemployed or a bad manager or agent. Whatever it is where you're like, having nobody, having no job, having no person. That's like, ugh. But the reality is, I think, at least for me personally, the anxiety that I feel being

with somebody that I'm not in warm mom is like so terrible for me that I'd rather be alone. It's worse. I'm just way more. My whole life, I've been a single way more than I've been in a relationship. It's just kind of my, what I'm like. Your other girls in the other side of the coin always have been in a relationship their whole life. I don't know.

People are different. I had a friend who cheated on his wife with a woman. They were helping convert to Orthodox Judaism. Him and his wife were helping this woman convert. He started sleeping with her. It was terrible. But the wife he had, it was just not a match. They had sex, I believe, six times in four years.

Oh, my gosh. So there's no question. That's not a relationship, right? So not alone. Sure. And then he's like, I don't know if I should work it out with her or go with a new one. Because then the rabbis all came in and they banished the new one. Like you got to move out of here.

Oh, yeah, the orthodox should run their communities. Yeah. Do we mention this before that you grew up Orthodox? I know. We're going to get. We will come back to it, but I don't know if we mentioned it before. That's what I did too in my podcast. Yeah.

Okay. Is I just like, let's just talk. I'll set you guys up later. Yeah. Well, we want to get into it. But I still have like just a couple burning questions about your current relationship. But keep going. Okay.

And so then he was like, I don't know what you want to be with. one who you've had sex with six times in four years. Right. Who, I mean, who could blame you're a human. Yeah. But it's like he had to learn to live by himself and have some joy in his own self and

then add a relationship to it or take away, but you're still good with yourself. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. He was still having like, the relationship is going to make me happy or unhappy. Yeah. Right. It's not one or the other.

It's like, just don't do this. Figure out the other stuff later. People that have, I mean, people that have been literally in relationships our whole lives. I'm like, how do you even know who you are? This is crazy. Jump from one of the next to the next. Hate that. They get out of something like,

oh, you'll be single for a while. I was like, I have a boyfriend. Two weeks later, you had to say. I don't get it. I've never been able. In fucking May and New York, you're not going to run around a little bit in the best time in the best city. It's some codependency shit, I think.

I don't know. I get November lock up with somebody. Right. You're not doing anything through the winter. Right. You want one guy. One guy. So how long have you been with your current person?

Year and a half? Okay. And she does not. like the non-monogamy. Doesn't care for it. She's never done it. She would prefer you to be committed. Absolutely.

She doesn't, she doesn't experiment on our own. She doesn't like take this opportunity to do it. I'm like, do whatever you want. She goes, but I don't want to. I'm like,

well, then that's what you want. I mean, is it, I can't rob my head on this relationship. Are you guys, does she fight with you a lot about it? I mean, over it.

Yeah, it's definitely our weakest. Whatever. Ready to laugh. It's all right. I just, I bet for listening is to be like, fuck you bitches. But everything else is great.

So then it's like, all right, you know, sometimes, let's just take a crazy example. It helps me see things clearly. Take a crazy example. You're with a guy. You're living with him. But he's consistently leaving his underwear just out on tables. And it's fucking annoying. You wish that part would change.

Right. But you live in a great place, you know, and he's always... Well, the difference there, just to put into perspective, it's like... Sure, yeah. A guy's underwear on my coffee table doesn't make me feel like I'm not enough. a person. Oh, right, right. Yeah, okay.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Some women get really mad at their boyfriend's watching porn. Right. Which I'm like, oh, you're crazy. He'll definitely cheat on if you don't give them this outlet. Geez, yeah. We've talked to this before, like to try to ban porn from your boyfriend.

I mean, you know. It was the first question we had with our sex therapist. And he was just like, I don't know, it's just like sex is like a weird, wonderful thing. You should address why you don't want the person watching porn. Are you not getting what you need? Do you feel like they don't sexually want you? Yeah. That kind of stuff, which I thought that was interesting.

Yeah. I think that's what it is with nominogogic. people who are against it, feel like, oh, you're going to leave me. Yeah. It's like an attack on your ownership of the other person. Well, and the thought, I mean, Rayne and I always say this. Like, it's just the thought of, like, someone else, like, making your partner laugh or, like, having these inside jokes and, like, things like that.

Like, I'd much rather just, like, go fuck somebody and do whatever. And then you guys are, like, texting cute jokes. I'm like, it makes my heart. Yeah. I had a religious Christian girlfriend. and she surprised me once by saying, and we were super monogamous, and by saying like a massage parlor hand job was not cheating.

What? What? But I feel. It's just clinical. It's like you don't get their number. I feel that way. Yeah. I get it.

I've never heard that said. I feel okay about that. I think I just wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want my man to come home and tell me about it. Right. So that's like the rules you got to set. Do you want to know? Do you not want to know?

Do you want to have me not lie if you ask? But I said this a million times. Don't lie if you ask. If it was between, if the scenario is that my boyfriend goes in a bachelor party, he fucks some random chick, they don't exchange info, or it's that I find his phone and he's cute texting with Janet from his work, I'm so much more upset over the emotional connection with somebody else. Or if he says, I loved you to someone.

Oh, to forget it. Well, I murder him. The emotional cheating, I think is much harder. And it's like, I sort of can see a scenario where, like, you meet this person with a perfect person in every way. They're like smart and funny and amazing. The sex is great. And their one caveat is that, like,

Like, they travel a lot and they want to sleep with random people on the road. Yeah. Like, I don't know what I would do. I mean, I probably wouldn't date that person. That's probably a bigger problem in our relationship. I'm on the road a lot. Right. Even when I'm not doing anything.

But, like, I'm gone. So it's like, it makes our time together. We're like, oh, I'm so happy you're home. We miss each other. I think it's actually helpful to miss somebody. Yeah. But, like, that's a bigger issue than, like, the few times. Yeah.

Then I'm, like, filling my boring night with, puss. I don't think we made this clear in the beginning. You, like, you draw a lot for comedy. You just huge European tour. Yeah, yeah. It's like, such a middle school thing. I went to two months in Europe and then it finished in Israel and then hung out in Egypt for a few days. Yes, you're like out of a big deal.

You're like selling out shit all over Europe and Asia. Casual. I'm doing great. I didn't play in Egypt, but I just wanted to play around. Okay. Yeah. And did she come with you for any of the leg of the trip? No, all my comedian friends are out.

So, like, why don't she come with you? I'm like, because she's a human who's a job, but she can't just take off two months? Who the fuck do you date? someone who makes you their life? Us? We could come. I'm ideal for a comedian. I got nothing going on.

I literally have no job. I have decided. And then you're like, by the way, I'll sell this venue out and you won't, but it's fine. Just kidding. Everyone leaves after the feature act.

Like, what? Where's that right going? Like, we're not interested in you are you? Yeah. You ask your boyfriend open for you. That's nice.

I don't think we hyped up like what a big deal you are. A great Netflix special. We did mention that. Oh, we did. Right? But Netflix special is all about the dangers of having children. versus the dangers of not having children. Dangers.

It's a two-part special that covers each one. It's, I've never seen that done either. The two-part, like, Netflix special. You did have a different, like, theme of each one. I thought it was so great. Thanks. Your friend got pregnant off of a Tinder date. Yeah.

And then you just keep bringing it back to this. Yeah, my friend Nicole. She just kept. Oh, a girl. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, she got pregnant and had it. I couldn't believe.

Yeah, it was my through line. It's like, really, if you, are they still together or no? Nope. Oh, no. It wasn't together even then. I mean, she... She just wanted a baby? She fucked him once on a Tinder date. And then, like, three weeks later, I was like, oh, fuck. I'm late. But is she just super anti-abortion? Or she wanted a baby? I think she got to the place where she was like, maybe I would have had an abortion before, but not maybe, you know, a certain age. I certainly. I sort of feel like that. And I have no zero judgment. I'm like, I'm just curious what her reasoning was. She was like, I want a child or she was...

It wasn't like she was looking for it before. Okay. But some people just have that religion in them where, like, I don't. just can't do it. Or you just hit an age and you're like 35 and you're like, I think I'm ready to have a kid. Like I guess I'll just do that. I get that. I'm going to say no when it's here. No man ever sleep. I haven't because they know I'm just out here trying to get pregnant. Pocanoles and condoms. Oh, I love when everyone was like, I would never have an abortion. I was like, oh, for sure we're wearing condom then. If you're dating somebody, you don't want children, obviously. If you're dating somebody and she's like, I just, I got of a family. I'm, I got to do it. I got

of kids. Are you kind of like, I'm probably not going to be able to date you? Probably not the guy for you. Are you trying to have kids now? Because at 22, let's just say, we're both 22-year-olds right out of college. She's like, I want kids someday. I'm like, but this isn't going to get in the way of a relationship for 10 years. And in all, like that, we're going to be six relationships away from this way. So just forget you.

So, just forget you saying that, like, you know, you start thinking about like, when do I bring this up on a date? Because your stance is just like your life is just more fun about kids. You don't want kids. The hardest thing to bring up is the monogamy thing. Like, do you bring it up on date one? Because then it's like, I don't even, I'm not going to have sex with you. All right.

Here's the question for you. You bring that up, yeah. You're with this girl, and she's like, all right, here's your, here's a deal. Either I'm going to be cool with your non-monogamy, you fuck whoever you want, never bring it up again, or we're having a kid. Which is the more, which is worse? Would you rather? That's a tough one.

No, it's not that tough. I'd be a monogamous over kid. I'd be annoyed by it, but I'd know the. So what is your, what is your opposition? I appreciate you answering it, by the way. What is your opposition to a child, just so people understand? It's lifestyle, right? Lifestyle.

I mean, I can't have a dog. I really want a dog. You can have this one. Oh, you'd live down the street. You can sit for him. There you go. Like this Saturday if you're around. All that studies have shown that it makes you less happy, like scientific studies.

And then it's also shown that people will lie about their reasons for having kids. So anyone who says, well, I'm happier. It's like, you're not. You're probably not. 85% rate, you're not. But it also shows why you would lie. You're more fulfilled. You know, less happy, more fulfilled.

But it physiologically, in women at least, at the cellular level, breaks you down. Okay. You stop healing as fast. Physically? Oh, yeah. Your cells break down. Because you made a person. Yeah, because I guess nature says, cool, you did your biological imperative.

Right. But it's like, I mean. And now you're like, but I can live 70 more years. And nature's like, we actually didn't plan for that. Right. Yeah. But it's, I read it. I think this, this is an accurate headline.

I read recently that millennials are not having enough kids to keep up with the, like, planet. I mean, not the planet's going to survive another 10 years anyway, but... We're going to have extra grain, not a big deal. No, no, no. It's, I just, but it's people are definitely choosing not to. Not to. Oh, yeah.

I'm really surprised because I was thinking about, like, all my girlfriends. Like, I have a huge amount of girlfriends. None of them want kids. It's amazing to me. It's getting to the point where people are like, I want to live my life a little. I want to go traveling. I want to do a fucking, you know, a year in Sri Lanka. Kids don't fall under that game plan.

Well, and yeah, but some people, I have a guy, play devil's advocate, I'm sure we have plenty of listeners that watch children. I'm not saying I don't want kids. I'm just saying in general. I understand. I kind of, I do think some people are just meant to be a mother. It's not me, you know, but maybe that's kind of what they feel like they've been, their calling is and they really, that brings them joy and happiness.

But I think there's a lot of people that just did it because they felt like they were supposed to. And that's what you do. You get married. You get the house. You get the kids. Yeah. Yeah.

People get married and the divorce at like 31. Yeah. I just thought I should have. But then I woke up to like, this isn't my life. I got 70 more years. But people are, I think, realizing today that they just have other options. Like, you don't have to be married to 22 anymore. Like, you don't have to go from your parents' house to your husband's house to have freedom.

A woman can make a living and have your own apartment. This is a great apartment. Thank you. So, like, why do I need a protector? Right. That's from shitty times from before. To play the other side of the coin, because, I mean, I don't know. I don't have kids.

I don't know if I'll have kids ever. But I think about my life now, I'm super happy. I can, like, get up, take a plane anywhere I want. I can spend one of my girlfriends who the other day was like, I spent 70. $85 in a hair clip because I could. Because you could. Right. When I'm with my college girlfriends, I bought this like $400 sweater.

I'll say it. I'm very proud. I make money. And my friends with kids were like looking at me like jealousy. Like, and they have money and they have houses. But they can't do that because it feels selfish. Nobody lives better than gay people. They can't buy the sweater.

Great. I interrupt you. I'm very sorry. No, I just I wanted to buy the sweater. I want to brag on my sweater. They're like, well, my kidneys eat. Like fucking why would you care about some person needing to eat? Like my girlfriends couldn't.

not bring home a $400 sweater to their husband. Like, and say, you're going to hide it. I just want to play the other side of the coin because I'm sure most people that listen is want kids. I think about my life in my 40s and 50s. And like, I like, you did this joke. You're like, people are like, aren't you going to be lonely? And you're like, I'll pick up my phone.

I'll call my friends and that I won't be lonely. But I think of like, what would I do all day, all night? Like, I don't know. Maybe I would have kids and your grandkids become your life. I've heard this argument before. I just, in my mind, it's not saying I'm right or wrong or that it's right or wrong. I just think about that. And I like the idea of like the Little League games and like the big family holidays.

And I had such a good life. Right. Like we had these great upbrings. Yeah. So that's the only side of the point I think about. Some of it's really either or. Like those little league games would be cool. And then you're like, can I now have them vanish for a second while I go on a three-day bender because I want to?

Yeah. And like, oh, no, they can't vanish. They're going to continue to be there. My friends that have kids, like a lot of them are just like really cool moms. They work and they just kind of have they've done it. They're doing it. you know, and I think they're genuinely happy. Yeah, there are some people who have kids that I'm like,

oh, you still live a cool life. Right. But very few. I know. But it happens. It's kind of inspiring when you see those. Yeah. Like this, I have a friend that travel all the time.

She's just one of those moms is like, yeah, just whoever can watch my kids. She's four kids. She's still a fitness instructor. She's just like a superwoman. And I think she just isn't a helicopter mom. She has babysitters all the time. The neighborhood watches her kids. It's like that whole mindset.

But just to back up, I mean, we, and I don't know your family life, but like Rain and I have just been pretty lucky. I feel like me, especially, did not have any pressure from my parents. And so I think that's what people, they just grow up with their parents. Like, you're supposed to get married. Make sure you find your husband in college, you know, then... Also, movies are telling you that too. Yeah. Everything is telling you that. This podcast is about dating and relationships. And I think that we always put out the message of like, be single, enjoy your life if you find it great. But like, this, I think people love talking about this stuff and finding love and like, you know, love leads to

marriage was released to kids. That's the normal. But, okay, so you want to date with somebody. I'm just curious about what your opinion is in general. Like, we're in our 30s. Like, I would, if somebody came on a date with me and they were like, hard pass, I do not want children. Like, I'd want to know that immediately. Because I want... Do you bring that up in a first day? No, I don't know. I'm just, I guess if I'm dating somebody, I, I would want to know that it was a hard pass on having kids. Because I want the option someday. You know, they do an Orthodox Judaism when you're going to date. Shedach dates, they're called. Like,

setting them up for marriage. They used to go in very public places. These are almost more like Hasidic type dates. You go to like real public. It used to be an airport before they couldn't go into airports anymore. And you would just talk, what are the two things you want? How many kids do you want? Do you want to live in Israel or not?

And if those two things didn't match up, you're like, best of luck to you, and that's it. If they do match up, now let's find out if we like each other. If we like each other. It's like Tinder where you can say the set in the codes or bumble where you're like, don't send me anyone under six feet. what you fucking bitches do all the time. It's so wrong and evil.

Even me. I'm five feet tall. I only want to fuck six feet above. I'm not a heightest. I'll date a guy. Like someone DM just today and they're like, Ashley, I want your opinion. I'm 5'9.

I'm dating a guy that's my same height. And I'm like, date him. Is he cool? Why is he funny? She was like, he's the funniest person. I'm like, he's the funniest. I'm six three, by the way. It doesn't even affect me.

I just think it's evil. I hate it. It pisses me off. And I really think it's like I think you're, I hate when girls do those weird requirements anyway. six feet six figures like shut the fuck up you're right that oh my god I had a comic open for me in Sacramento and he had a joke

about it actually because he writes 511 on his on his Tinder profile because he wants to get any six foot but he wants to get rid of the shallow bitches wait I love that yeah I really like that that that's in no in the history of dating and I'd be like there's never been a man that shows up and is taller than what he said oh no absolutely

no woman has been hotter no man is the best of pictures should I just post that ugly should I I post a photo of how I look right now. I'm dating. I think you look great. I'm just looking at your face earlier. Yeah, you look nice now.

You did a little highlight on your nose? If you go crazy, then it's a disappointment. It's all expectations. It's all based on expectation. When you hear about a movie, you're like, I've never heard of it. I'll just go in versus like everybody's saying this is the best movie. You're going to enjoy it on different levels.

Right. So I'm going to write, I'm terrible. I'm going to take a photo myself hungover coming off of a train at Penn Station. And when I walk in, I'll blow them away. Yeah. But like, push your hair to the stuff. You know what I mean? Like, do it up for like a second.

No, I don't want any pictures on my dating profile that doesn't look exactly like what I look like. That is the worst feeling. You walk it and someone's like, oh, geez. But this is the danger of online dating is like, yes, in my mind, I want a guy that looks a certain way. At a bar, a guy walks up to me and he's funny. I don't care how tall you are. Like, if I enjoy being around you, I don't give a shit what you look like. Too much of options on dating online.

Yeah, it's paradox of choice. What I was going to even say how we have apps, like hinge now, which is the only really one I use. And I kind of just is the premier one now. I feel like it says kids want kids. Oh, really? So to me, if you choose to write want kids, you really want kids, you know? Like, so to me, I'm probably just going to not date that guy. Like, it's my biggest fear as a woman that doesn't want kids in any way shape or form,

can't picture it at all in my life that I will meet a guy that's like set on it once a family. Like it just, it's a fear because then it's like, it's different for a woman because it's like, well, I really want kids, but you got to have them. Like it's not, I think I could be a dad. I think I would make a great dad. I don't have to birth the kid. That's what I say to my girlfriend. She wants kids so bad sometimes.

And I'm like, she doesn't want him now. But I'm like, fucking, then go have a kid. And she goes, but what are you going to do? I'm like, I don't know. I can not have it. You take care of it. And it'll just be your kid. Like, you know, when you get a dog with somebody,

you're like, it's mine. You know, because you don't live together. And it's like, it's sort of ours. Like, like, sort of. Right. Yeah. Same thing. It's like a dog.

It's your kid. I think I could hang with a cool kid, but I do not want to birth it. And I don't want to have to totally. And someone was like, you want to be a dad. I was like, I think I want to be a dad. You probably be a dad. My dad was the best single dad ever. We only hung out with him on the weekends for fun time.

He dealt with none of the like my brother. The shitty like spills. Right. I remember my mom and I were like hanging out in my room one day. I was like 10 and my brother was five. And he just walked into his room and pissed on the floor. Oh. Just.

That's what I mean. That's what I don't want kids. That's normal behavior. Whenever people are like, oh, motherhood's so great, they never talk about that. I had a clean fist out of a new carpet, which, by the way, you can't do. Right. And by the way, he was potty trained. There was no reason to do it.

Just a punk bitch. He's just a fucking dickwad. Who the fuck does that? What are you drunk? You're drunk. Handle your shit, man. It's awful. They all act like it's not awful.

So many times. Oh, he's crying. That's the thing I want in my life. Another human crying. One of the worst sounds. Oh, is it just once a year? Oh, no. It's going to be a lot more than once a year.

Every hour. Just constantly. Instead of saying, hey, I'm hungry. I'm going to go to somebody eat? It said, is the way I'm going to fucking show you that I'm hungry? Garbage are garbage people, these kids. That's the reason I don't want kids. It's clear than the physiological breakdown of the cellular level.

One day my brother and I were running around the house and my brother leapt over from we were playing this game where we were jumping from furniture to furniture. Nobody could touch the floor. And we kicked over this elephant that my mother. my mom had brought back from India. It was this beautiful porcelain. It shattered into a million pieces. Oh, she loved it.

She brought it back from India. You fucking asshole. I just told Raina earlier what I did as a kid. I booby-trap my entire room to set my dad up because he would come in at night and turn my heater down and I would wake up when I was cold. And I was like, don't you dare come in my room tonight. I was in sixth grade. Booby-trap the room.

I know everything, first of all. Like I lived here in this life for over 10 years. I know what the world is. It was like full-blown home alone style. And I'm a story. This is insane. I mean, it's just such a long story. It's just tell them how you booby trap the room.

What was the booby trap? Yeah. Well, the first order of business, first of all, like, it started at dinner and my dad, I got my first bee on my report card. And my dad was just being joking because, like, I was this perfect kid in school. And he was like, you got a bee. You got your first bee. Huh?

You really sound like a Jew. I always sound like a Jew. Disappointed in a bee. And he was like, oh, a bee. He was, no, he was totally kidding. Yeah. I was straighties my whole existence. And I was like, I can get a bee if I want to get a bee.

Dad, and another thing, don't you dare come in my room tonight and turn down my heater and went up to slam the door at 6.30 right up to dinner and never came back down. And they were like, at least she's gone. Like, at least you don't have to deal with her. And so I basically, the first order was the way to punish her to the lack of presence. I basically set it up so that when the door would open, it would trigger this recorder that I like talked into. It was like step away from the door. Like Ferris dealer? Yes.

And then if he got to the heater. She's 11 and thought of that. If he got over to the heater, I'd obviously put a thumbtack on the button that he would hit to turn it off. So he was going to get, like, injured if he got, if he made it over there. Yeah. And so about midnight, the recorder goes off full volume, step away from the door, step away from the door. The whole house gets up. My brother's up.

My mom's up. Everybody's like, what the fuck? And my dad just like, I mean, my mom said he went back in the bedroom. She was like, I hate our daughter. Like, I hate her. That's a good one. Step away from our daughter. The next morning, I come downstairs, like nothing had happened.

to catch the school, to catch the bus. I went to public school, rode the school bus. And my mom goes, Ashley, you need to apologize to your father. And I go, he needs to apologize to me and left and went to school. And that was the day that my mom started calling boarding schools and seeing what they cost, how early she could send me. And they were too much. And 11 years old, a fucking bitch.

Yeah, why would you want that in your life? I know. I don't want kids that would like me. I literally think that I don't, my mom and are great. My family's great. We were so close. But I was a terrible. kid.

Like such a brat. That story illustrated to you that she seemed like a good kid. Of kids, that seems like a good one. Really? That sounds funny. She's trying to inj you. She's like if he made it over to it. The thumbtack too. It's like you realize what you're trying to do is take a thumbtack.

And like imagine just like your dad like, give me your thumb and just pushing the thumbtack into his thumb. Just knifing him. The man who in the house. The man who birthed you keeps you alive. In the home he paid for with the heater he also paid for. He's like, can you just, you just don't eat it when you're sleeping. Do you mind just turning it down? I don't know if you understand money at all.

And she was like, your blood will be mine. Yeah. We'll see, dad. We'll see who's smart after this. But I think about this all the time. Like, I was a really braddy kid. I was horrible to my parents. I feel terrible for my mom having to deal with me as a single parent.

And that's what I don't want. Yeah. Yeah. So when you, after you saw my special, do you think a little bit more of like, maybe I'm... My whole life, I've just always been like, I want kids. I'm going to have kids. And I watched your special.

I'm sitting here in my 30s. watching a Netflix special drunk in the middle of the night. I'm like, do I want kids? You just, you, maybe you changed my life. I don't know. Again, though, I just, I envision like my 40s, 50, 60s. I like the ideas of the family time of the two-gather-nets because I had that and I'm exactly who I am today.

I want my because of that. I had those things. My brother is the shit. He's the best person. He married somebody that has a great family and I like being around all that. And I want my brother to have kids like yesterday and he will and he's this family guy and he's wonderful. And I think the girl he's with now is the one.

But like, I want him to have like multiple. multiple kids. Like, I want the kids around. Yeah, they're great. And for a small period of time. Yeah, for absolutely. This one's broken. Take it back. Maybe since people aren't having kids as much anymore, there'll be like services that exist now where you can like rent a kid for the afternoon. Well, what about like dying a alive? Yeah. Like that's like a coffee shop. I go there all the time just to play with dogs. Ashley is the mayor of that coffee shop. Really? Literally. I've been gone for two months. You're one of those guys here in there with a no dog. With no dog. Yeah. Absolutely.

And like, is you bother? He's not. I need this to fill the void. my life. Yeah, we go all the time. We're going to, I'm going to try to plan a show there. Oh, really? I love that. Straight off your international tour, you headline the dog cafe. Oh, for sure.

But here's my one thing. And when I watched my mom take care of my grandmother when she was passing, I couldn't imagine, like, not, like, who's going to take care of me when I'm dying. Okay. So I'm going to hear this. Okay. I have a friend, John Hepron, who was telling me this, yeah. He said he wants to have a kids.

He wants to have a life because he used to work at a hospice. You know what hospice is? Yeah. Okay. I just found out that's bad. I don't know. I don't know. It's not part of my life.

Have you guys ever heard of hospice? You know why? Because probably Orthodox Jews. Maybe you guys don't use it. You just take care of your own. You just take care of until they're going. Yeah. My grandfather died in my grandmother's house.

Right. Like decent people. Living like a vegetable for the last six months. Right. You don't pay people to take care of your elders. Yeah. Get rid of this. Yeah.

Yeah. He said he saw so many people dying alone with no one coming to visit him that he didn't want to be like that. Yeah. And then my response is, so you're going to live a shit. shitty 50 years for that last three months, which by the way, you might get hit by a truck. Totally.

And also, your kids could hate you. Yeah. There's not going to be that too. Yeah. So, like, you're going to live all the good time. It's the last part's not,

it's the same thing with like, why don't you buckle down and make more money now? And then later you can have a ticket easy. I'm like, no, how about I have a great life now? And I'll be a Walmart greeter when I'm 70. Who cares? It's fine.

It's true. It's really, it's long-term planning for something that you might, you might not even get to. I get it. I just, I was talking with a guy friend about this, and he's the one that was just like,

yeah, but you could have five kids and they could all fucking hate you or, you know, or who, there's no telling, but, you know. Home invasion, you could lose them all in a minute. Feel terrible for the rest of your life. You know what I like about you is that. I think a lot of people will listen to this episode and not relate to an open relationship or not wanting kids,

but at least you're honest about it. And I like that. And I, like, guys are always like, oh, I didn't want her to hate me, so I just didn't know what to say. No, that's the thing that makes you a bad guy. Yeah. He's not saying the things. Lying.

Yes. I was on a plane with this guy and he was like, oh, I'm just like, I'm too good of a guy. And it creates problems for me. The worst guy. And I was like, I'm, like, I'm, sure. This is the same guy who I invited to one of our shows and he brought a date. Yeah. Too nice of a guy to tell me he didn't like me.

Right. He was like, you know, I'm not into this girl. How can I nicely tell her? Oh, I'll bring a date to her show. The worst guys are, the worst guys I know. The guys have cheated and they're so terrible to their girlfriends are the ones that are like too much of a postage to break up with somebody. So they literally just do the worst stuff until the girl has to do it.

And it's just sad to see. I mean, I don't know. Nikki Glazer was, she came on our show and talked about this a lot. We love, she was one of the best guests we ever had. And she did our live show. She talked about how she told her boyfriend that he could go out and do anything you wanted. And it does make people not want to do it as much.

A lot of it's just, right, I broke up with the girl once. I'm trying to say woman more. I'm trying to go over the woman once, but she was 20. So I'll go back to girl. And, um, that's the thing. Yeah. I was feeling trapped. And then it was like, I don't want to do this as break up.

She was like, cool about it. And she was like, can we still go to the movie? We're about to go see. I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't hate you. And then we ended up fucking that night and then just kept fucking. And I was like, now that the limitations are off this, I can actually enjoy it. I'm not feeling trapped. I totally get that.

Yeah. I think that's a huge thing. Like the more, like, the more leash you give a guy, the more he wants to stay close to you. Yeah, if Nikki's like, do whatever you want. He's like, oh, well, right, I don't need to. It's fun anymore. Yeah, exactly. this sink or swim thing

where it's like, I have to or I'll never be able to get it. Well, I think, I swear, like, you know, just to bring it back to me and my upbringing, no, my parents just had not a lot of rules. And my brother and I never wanted to, like, really do drugs.

Like, we didn't feel prohibited to do things. You know why you didn't have rules? What? Because you're not their real child. You're a Jew who was adopted by them. And they were scared of me. Also, who was going to, you would light the whole house on fire.

Your house would be like a matrix of lasers. But here's the thing. You're like that little kid in a, in a, um, fuck it. No, that kid. I forgot the name of that show. The problem child. No, it was a black and white show.

Chuckie, the doll. I just think they gave us, the more you tell people they can't do stuff, the more they want to do it. And so it was this like, we trust you and we were good kids. And we wanted to make our parents proud. Call us if we too fucked up. Yeah, like, exactly.

I think that's where parents go wrong. Like, you can't drink. You can't do this. You can't have sex. You don't do this. And that's when you get pregnant and you get a drunk driving accident or whatever it is. Or what parents do, sis, don't date that guy. guy we don't like them. It's like, well, I'm going to

date him harder. For sure, I'm going to. If your parents don't should date somebody, they could be like, they should be like, bring him over to dinner. We love him. And that's the way to get your kid to break up with him. There's a mistake people make. When they break up somebody, they go, I just don't want you dating Tom. Just, I know

just don't. Promise me that. I promise but all you're doing is shoving that into their head and they're for sure going to fuck that guy. Or girl, you know, if it's if it's the other way. Right. Just keep it close. Shut it up and let him. Keep the worst nightmare scenario to yourself.

Just don't talk about it. It's just so crazy. Like I remember the freshman year in college, first day one, moved into the dorms. And this girl's, like, blow in this guy in her dorm room. She was like a preacher's daughter. It was like someone that had been so like, don't do anything. I mean, with the roommate in the room, just like blowing this guy day one. Like I still had boxes.

You know, like she, and it was like, that's exactly why. Because she had just been prohibited from anything sexual. Well, that's why the alcoholism rate is so low in Europe versus here. Because they're drinking 16. Do whatever you want. Six. There's wine on the table at preschool. You can buy it from a store if you need to.

Right. So what's not so taboo? Whatever. The moral of the story is let your partner do anything they want. Then they won't do anything. Yeah. What is so you want to? Yeah.

Do you want to talk about religion? By the way, I tried to cover in that special the other side of it too, where it's like if you're single, then there's bits about like having to make Chlamydia phone calls at 35, which you wouldn't have to do if you're married with kids. You know what I mean? It's like it's not. There are no. It's 100% positives.

I try to show that. And I do want that up because I just want, you know, we have a huge women listener base and I'm sure plenty of them want kids. And like, I just think everybody should live their truth. And I think the bottom line is you feel deep down, you want to be a mom and you want to have kids and you definitely do that. Do it.

If you feel deep down that you can't picture it, but you feel forced into it, don't do it. Well, my mom's like greatest pleasure in life is having been a mom. Like, yeah, we did all kinds of fucked up shit. It's her greatest joy. My mom had three miscarriages before she had me. She really, really wanted me. And then she's like, now let me try to take him one all the way.

Yes. She's one of the best miscarriers in the world. And she's like, man, let me. She should move on to the next thing. She's so fast. It's like Jordan trying baseball. It's like, I've already mastered basketball. Let me see another sport here.

Hey, Raina's mom. I just want to give it up for you. You are an amazing, amazing miscarrier. And no one can ever take that away from you. I don't know anyone who's miscarry that much. And you are a dominant at it. And you should feel proud. People are going to be so pissed.

She's the Michael Jordan of Miscayor. Oh, my God. Three beat. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. We're going to lose all of our advertisers. Yeah, all the listeners. Oh, my God.

But yeah, I mean, I don't know. People need to have kids. Yeah, I would be. It's not really the planet's going to be over. It'll be there. I don't have a, I don't have a smartphone anymore. And people are like, what do you do if you need to, like, take a picture? I'm like, all my friends have.

have smartphones. I know. I noticed that for someone that doesn't want to be a dad, you have a phone for one for sure. You walked into a flip phone and I was like, do we want him here? Oh, yeah. Or Rayna texted you earlier. And she was like, oh, turn green, strike one. That just means not on Apple, right? But yeah, we had no idea what we were going to see. I mean, that was crazy. Well, also your manager who I was, she was like, well, Ari doesn't have access to email. Then I roasted that for like a long time to us. I was like, what kind of, like, where is, like, what country is he and he doesn't have access to email, but he get text? She You met like mobily, right?

Yeah, once I'm out of the apartment. You have an email address. Yeah. I check our computer. A desktop. Yeah. You have like an old Dell. No, no, no.

I laughed up. But like I can check on that or an iPad. When I'm at home, when I'm out, I don't want that shit touching me. That's really interesting. You must, I always think what it must be like to actually experience something and not have to Instagram it. Like, I don't know what that's like. You ever see those videos of like some kid dancing in the subway platform or something interesting happened and you see the video cool.

And then you look behind it. There's four other people videotaping. And you're like, you guys are in each other show. DECD, all right, you got it, right? Send it to everybody. Yeah, now let me enjoy it and you fucking cover it. You cover it. You take this one.

Yeah. That is so true. Next time I see someone filming something that I want to film, I'm just going to drop me that because I was going to film it, but you got it. Sunsets are the worst. It's like, I don't know, man, you're never going to get this as good as you're looking at it. Fireworks.

Get off. And concerts. Nobody, no. But if people go to concert, a hundred slides of the concert, I hate it. I will allow. I don't like it, but I will allow. one picture. I've always done a one. One blue ring. Oh, but now there's like balloons.

Too late. You should have waited. You should have waited. You did your one. Okay. But we saw Beyonce and she like did the hair thing and I had to boomerang the hair thing. I mean, I am a garbage person, but not for that reason. Wait, you didn't mean that about Beyonce. No. You meant me. Me. I was like he has to leave. He called Beyonce garbage person. He has to leave. And he's a flip phone. Ew. All right. Anyway. I kind of want I do want to talk about the religion stuff.

Okay. So you grew up. Orthodox Jewish. Same. No, just kidding. But how like... For the first two months. For people that, I don't know that everybody knows Orthodox Jewish is, it's like the most religious sect of Judaism.

Like possible. Hasidic is the most. Okay. So it's the step right there? They do the same laws. We just are more part of a society. Oh, so you don't live in Brooklyn in that area. Right.

With the fucking stockings up to the, we're not fiddling on roofs. They're like Amish. Okay. They're Amish. We're the Frisbee Jews. Okay. You know, the ones that have the Ben, hero.

The type of people who just wear that little frisbee on their head. Yamakos. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So growing up, like, until when, were you kind of like practicing this? 20, I guess. Okay.

I went to a seminary in Israel, yeshiva. Do you know any of these terms? I'm Jewish. Okay. I went to a Jewish school growing up. I went a private Jewish school, like K-3-8. Where did you go? It was called Community Day School.

It's in Pittsburgh. Oh, okay. But I had a mitzvah. Religion's not like a part of my life at all whatsoever. Like, I don't really believe in organized religion. But again, like, I don't really believe in organized religion. But again, like, I am very much who I am because I grew up in that community. Yeah.

Anyways. Only keeping kosher Friday night to Saturday night. No electricity. Right. Reading. All of this until you were 20. Until it was 20. Yeah.

Okay. So it's a version until it's 23 because of that. Okay. That's why you want to fuck so much. I think so. Yeah. See? Don't suppress anything.

Yeah. It comes back to get you. And I'm naturally getting out of my system. So I don't resent anybody. Yeah. So I, but I mean, I really want to know what, I mean, are your parents? Still, like, still religious.

And then did you just like, how did this happen? How did you just get out? Yeah. I looked inwards and I realized I didn't believe, which was like a big moment. Because you never asked yourself that before, right? Exactly. You were just like a part of this community. This is what I do now.

Like you're doing with kids. Right. Totally. You stop it. When you stop and I go like, wait, maybe I don't want this. Right. Like, oh, I always thought I was supposed to so I did. So I looked in and it was like, oh, I don't believe in God.

Okay. It wasn't like a decision. I thought out. Okay. And then I started like, what do I do now? So I was in Yeshiva University at the time. So all my friends were like, are you crazy? Right.

Like this is your whole life. Yeah. And they try to reason with me about God. And then it hit me pretty quick. I'm like, oh, if you could prove God, then God would just let himself be proven. Right. Speak in heaven. Yeah.

Was it really scary to like lose the community people around you? So like, well, in Scientology, like when you want to defect from Scientology, I've read a lot about it. I've never been to Scientologists, but like they basically threaten you that like you will be excommunicated from every person you know, your whole family, your friends, and that's any major religious... I mean, that's my question. What is this? Is this like a coming out? Like did you call your parents?

I mean, how does this... I talked to him in a person. And then what was the reaction? Not great. Right, sure. It wasn't like... Oh, whatever, man. Don't have a relationship? I remember my friend Andrew, we called him gay Andrew in college because he was so gay, but he kept saying, no, I'm not gay. We're like, all right, well, we're going to just call you gay Andrew because you do all these gay things. You went purple only.

Like, you know what I mean? It's like... We had one of those. It was gay wrong. It's fine if you're not. Yeah. Has he ever come out? Yeah. He came out junior year and he goes, I have to talk to you.

We were going to cluck you chicken. We were going to cluck you. We were like drunk ready to eat. And then he was like, sit down. So we're like, oh, I'm so hungry and drunk, but okay. What's going on? And he goes, I'm, this is so hard, but I'm gay. We're like, do we new freshman year.

Your name is gay. Yeah. We call you gay. He goes, I don't like you call me that. I was like, only because you're in the closet. Now it doesn't make any sense. Now that you're actually gay, you're just Andrew. Yeah, you're just Andrew.

Oh, and then he was like, well, what? I'm like, can we go eat? Like, why don't we have to spend time with this? Can we go eat? Right. Like, can we have the chicken now? Andrew, we didn't care then. We don't care now.

We cared that you pretended to not be gay, but now you're just wasted two years, bro. Okay. So that was not your experience with your parents, clearly. Yeah, yeah. And siblings, you have siblings? Three siblings. Which helps a lot.

Three siblings. Okay. You really got to walk us through this. Okay. To me, this is like, what's the word? For it. No, like, rejecting your whole life. That's not the word I'm looking for.

It is. I was going to a Jewish college coming from two years of a seminary, rabbinical school in Israel. And everything your parents and your family stands for, you're like, I don't believe in this anymore. Yeah. Holocaust survivor. So it's like, how much do you like say, do not, are you not part of the?

Yeah, he said, are you low, even a dog believes in God. Your dad said this to you? Yeah. And he goes, are you lower than a dog. Yeah, it hurt for a while. Dewey's upset. Yeah. I heard for a while till I thought about it later. And I was like, what research are you quoting?

What are you talking about? Dogs believe in God. That's not a thing. You just made that up. You contact a scientist? It's so crazy. Mad talks to dogs. My mom was more upset about losing the cultural part of it.

Yeah. Because she wasn't raised religious. She was raised non-religious. I think a lot of Jews are culturally religious. We are. And she didn't want to miss that. Okay. Like all the like traditions and things like that.

Songs and foods. I don't know. Just part of it. And then I did miss it. We do holidays in my family, but we don't really do a lot of the religious stuff. Like on Rosh Hashanah, we don't go to temple, but we have a big Russian Shana lunch. We have like 50 people over. We don't do anything religious besides hang out.

That's a fun with the apples. I mean, we go so hard on Christmas, but my parents are Unitarian. They're like very like, who is to say what's what? We believe in all religions. They practice in a synagogue and they're this unitarian universalism or something like that. So I'm just, we do Christmas hard. Christmas is Christian. You don't go to midnight mass.

You just, you know, it's crazy. It's, you know, it's Christmas. But I'm curious, like, your whole dating life must have revolved around the religion, too. So I'm curious, like, how it affected your dating life? No dating life before. Right. Because people are set up to be married? It's more set up.

And it's also just like, I didn't, I didn't really know how to do it. I didn't have a background from high school. I was a virgin. So did you leave the college? Yeah. You left to. Transfer the next. To a regular school?

To the University of Maryland, yeah. Okay. And are you still? Why am I spending $20,000 a year for these classes that I don't care about? To not get fucked. Do you still have a relationship with your parents? Yeah, they've gotten over it a lot. And the other siblings having kids super help that.

Right. I mean, if one of them is a dud, like you're the dud and they have three other kids to like lean on. Yeah. That's great. My brother and I got into a fight. I met him in Zurich. He lives in Zurich now and then we went to Israel together. I know because I stock you on Instagram.

Oh, okay. My assistant will get ready into your stuff. Yeah. He goes, he was like, talked about the other siblings and their kids. He goes, you know, I was the cool uncle. I do this. you think you're the cool uncle? He goes, yeah, I'm like, are you kidding me?

He's like, you have a norm core life. I do drugs and travel the world. And he goes, fuck. I'm like, yeah, man, there's no question you're not the cool uncle. I can see this like waves crashing of rationality onto him. Yeah, it hit him. He's like, whoa, I'm not, am I? I'm like, yeah, have you been living your life?

Like, you're the cool uncle? Why would you be the cool uncle? I wear sweatpants sometimes? Like, fuck off. That's so true. in what world? Are you cool? Cool than me.

I live my life. I'm in a one percentile in what I do. I don't know. I take off and go places. You don't even run your social media. You just pay somebody to do that. Yeah.

What are you talking about? I'm in Zurich getting drunk. Like this is awesome. I just like, yeah, I'll add Zurich to this tour so I could come visit you. You can't do that. The most expensive city. Why am I in Zurich?

Because I don't have kids. Exactly. Okay. So you're still close to your family. Still close to. I mean, Is that a loose word? I'm less close to them, but not because of that.

I'm just more independent. Gotcha. But you'll go do family gatherings and things like that. Saw them last night. They came to my show. I like that you compare it to being gay. Like it's, you know, it's a coming out. It really is.

Okay. But they come to your shows? Yeah, my parents laugh. I think they just tune out. They hear their son getting laughs. And they're like, cool, he's succeeding. And that's all I'm all focused on. I agree.

I agree. I'm probably, but wait, I want to bring you back to dating. Okay. So it didn't affect it. And then I got out. I had no dating in life. Dated that super Christian woman. In Maryland?

In Maryland. Lost my virginity to her. Were you like, I don't want to date anybody that's religious period? No, she just happened to me. I fell in love with her. We fell in love.

And we started dating and she comes from a religious Christian background. The weird thing was she had her Christian Bible group friends in college. And I saw her like at the dining hall. You know, you don't always plan to meet. I saw her and she like, wait and then look back at her friends and like, they ignored me.

And I was like, that's weird. She's not. And I'm like, later we found out. I was like, I was with my Christian friends. And I was like, wait, you're ostracizing me? No, my people are supposed to ostracize you.

That's not how it works. I'm the Jew. You're, you guys supposed to try to take me in. I should be able to reject you. Yeah. I was with my Christian friends. Sorry. What?

They all like bibles under their arms. Oh, yeah. All these like button up to the toppers, you know? That's so funny. Like, my God. And are you, do you like, do you want to date religious people now? Do you not want to? No, I'm no interest in it.

But it's not some. It's not a deal breaker. It's more what they're into. Right. Yeah. But, you know, my girlfriend's into the same drugs I'm into. Which is much more important. Yeah.

Like having a good time and just she's into nature like I. I don't know. We just do the same things and talk about the same things and hold the same views on issues. And like, I don't know, we have good conversation. We enjoy each other's like thoughts. Well, yeah, I can't really see being somebody that wasn't the case. Right. Yeah.

Like you seem like you're going to just, why would you be with somebody you didn't enjoy? I don't know. Why would I have been? I don't know. I'm not one of them. It's hard to ignore hundreds. of years of breeding. Yeah.

And, like, my brother married a Catholic girl and were religious. And she, like, I mean, he's a little, he's more religious than I am. She's religious. She went to church every single Sunday. Parents. Looks Jewish. Yeah. Even more than me, I think.

She does. Yeah. She looks like every Jewish girl ever met. She's very pretty. But, um, it was like a real issue. And she was like, my brother is, like, smart. Makes money. He's cool.

He's good looking. And it was like, you know, was that more important to you than the religious part? Like, what's more important? It's hard to, like, ignore all that breeding. I get it. Breeding. Yeah. Keep on.

Um, anyway. Drugs I like like mushrooms and molly and weed. So what kind of drugs do you like? For anyone that sounded awkward for, we just had to cut a whole chunk of really inappropriate stuff. And for some reason, this felt much more appropriate. If you guys haven't tuned out yet and aren't too offensive. All right.

Let's take it down and I should talk about Coke. I do Coke a little. When I have to, I fucking don't care for it. Like every Coke head who says it, like I hate Coke, but I still do it. When I'm in Scotland and everyone. one's doing it. I'm like, for sure. I'll have some. But you prefer malle your drug of choice. I hate cocaine. I'm not into it. I hate it. I hate it. Mushrooms. We eat every day. Mushrooms are like, I like, you know, rep. Okay. I tell people. I've never done mushrooms. Oh, what? Yeah. Why? Oh, because

you're seven. Is that it? Are you seven? Then I get it. If you're seven years old, I understand. I'm seven. Yeah. Well, then fine. That makes sense. Yeah, but just fresh out of the room. I have to like at my birthday party, just bags of mushrooms. It's time to do them. Have you ever done them? No, but I've had some really terrible weed experiences. Unrelated things? Weed experiences. I just don't think my brain's made for drugs. What was your bad weed

experience? I just, I've had some terrible edible experiences. I was like, I was edible. I fully thought I was going to die, like all those things. I just, I don't like being on drugs. I don't like losing control like that. I just feel like out of control. Can I give you something to make you, to say how you sound to me.

Okay. My friend said they were in Vietnam. and they had some scallops. They saw them kind of out there, but they were making them, and they had them, and they got violently ill. So now they won't eat salmon at a restaurant here.

Okay, I'm not saying. I, okay, Ashley is like the LeBron James of control freaks. Like, you're gonna let go of control, for sure. I just don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know.

I can tell you. Okay. You can speak to God. On mushrooms, but God doesn't exist. He's there. When he's on mushrooms, God's there.

It's your telephone. I was trying to convince my friend who became a relationship. religious, super religious rabbi in Israel to do mushrooms. It goes, no way. It's a drug. I'm like, it's a God put there for you. And he goes, natural drug.

No, I'm like, it's a, okay, it's this. Maybe it's not God. But just so, just so we're clear, I'm zero judgment about drugs. I don't care. I don't think you're judging me at all. I think, like, once you do them, you'll call me and be like, okay, I get it now. Thank you. Yeah.

Okay. Both you. They're great. You'll answer your flip phone. It'll help you see the truth in the world. But do we want to? Yes, you do. I love my life now.

What would I do? I still love it afterwards. It doesn't change it like that. Where would I go on mushrooms? Can you design a day for me? Are we doing alone? You can do them alone in like an apartment. It's a summer drug for sure because you're going to want to wander.

You're going to want to get out of your own skin and it'll just move. Okay. And then you'll move for like three minutes and then just stop for 20 and then just move again. So you want to be outside when it's nice. Okay. Okay. So it's not a winter drug. Not usually, but you can.

If you get a nice big apartment and there's two of you in here together, it's just you're going to want to go outside and it's going to be annoying. Okay. If you do them in the winter, do them in daytime. Okay, it's been a while. I've explained to me. It takes your ego, like, away from you. Okay. So you can view yourself from an outsider perspective.

So, like, you know, when you judge someone else, like the relationship or anything like that, and you pretty much know who they are and you're like, or your friend, like, why did you do this? But you don't know everything about the friend. Yeah. But you know everything about. yourself. And this just pulls this off you and now looks, you're looking at yourself, knowing everything about this person you're looking at, everything. And you can just see it honestly.

What it generally does is it makes you end fights you're having with friends or former friends. You're like, what am I mad about? They fucked him an ex-boyfriend. Like, I haven't done that to someone else. Okay. That person was a part of my life. I want them back. And you're just text them the next day.

I'd be like, this is all silly. If you don't want to forgive me, it's fine. The next day. So the lasting effects are there. Okay. I'll tell you how to do it. You've got to have a notebook in your pants or around. I set up like pieces of paper.

If I'm going to do it in here, pads of paper all over the room. Isn't this like kind of what people do like highwaska and all these things too? Like I know a girl that does all these things all the time and like writes these crazy notes and she posts them and I don't understand what this is. Yeah. But she's on this big journey of like doing all these drugs like all over the country and like figuring out this stuff out about herself.

I was with Michelle Wolf. You guys know that is? Of course. At Bonaroo, four years ago, she wasn't doing anything then. She was a writer, A lower writer, not a headwriter, on like Seth Myers or something.

And I gave her mushrooms. I got, for the whole comedy of Bonaro, I got mushrooms. I was like, I was like, I got two ounces. Half an eighth is enough. An eighth is for two people. So we're talking about 16 times two. Everybody. So all the comments like, all right, I heard.

I'm like, yep, here you go. And just like, got everybody high. It was great. You're the pride piper of drugs. Okay. Here's what scares me. Michelle said. Oh, sorry.

Michelle. On him, she goes, I realized that I could do whatever I want in the world. I can accomplish anything. There's no wrong way. I'm a full, you've got to ask her if you ever have her on here. Her realizations on that. And she took them with her, and she's done quite well since then.

She has. Wow. Does she know that all of her success is due to you? No, but I think she would say the mushrooms helped her for sure. So what, I don't know, this is like a way too technical question. What does it do? It does something in your brain? It interrupts like neural pathways or something.

Can it ever be bad? Can you have like a bad trip? Yeah, but bad trips are great still. Okay. Bad trips are occasionally, my friend for Hima, and War, it was like, he started thinking about death and his mom that she's eventually going to die. So for about an hour, he got super scared. This makes me, I guess, thought of it.

These bad trips are not nearly as bad as being on a cross-country flight next to a child. Okay. Next to a fucking two-year-old. I've just had a couple experiences. I know it's not the same drug, but I just, like, doing edibles that scarred me for life. And I was like, I'm going to die. I get it. My body felt so awful.

inside. I was like writing a fucking note. If I died in my apartment that night, it was like the worst night of my life. Sounds, first of all, hilarious and fun. It's hilarious. Yeah. Okay, I would have to know that somebody else who was sober had my phone, and here's why. I have 350,000 Instagram followers. She has a million.

The things I could do to my life with a cell phone in my hand alone are just like terrifying to me. Okay. So what I advise to everybody to do is turn your cell phone off. Right. You don't need it. Anytime you think, and I've been through all the reasons why you might need it to get home, to get whatever, you don't.

You don't. You will walk around and you will find your way home. I would tell you, put two separate $100 bills in two different pockets. Those will get it out of any trouble you need. And honestly, nothing else matters. Okay. You will wander around and it will be part of the adventure. The adventure of not knowing, not being able to do.

Also, the texts you will write on mushrooms to people, you will regret later. 100%. I will ruin my whole night. So put them away. Yes. It actually takes you down from the mushroom chip too. So it's like, just get rid of that self. And how long does a mushroom trip last?

Five. Okay, so you eat them. You're probably waiting 30 minutes to an hour before you... It sounds like an edible and I'm scared. Yeah, before it kicks in. Then you've got about four to five hours of tripping, which will be in waves. It'll go up and then down. You're like, I think I'm back now.

You're not back. You're back for a minute. Get everything in order real quick. And then you're about to ride again. And then you're right back to it. It's not type of... You might lie on the floor and just like think and you just see things. Sometimes in terms of like the visuals, like a carpet like this,

would get kind of wavy. Corner your eye, you see more weird things. But you'll never see a little man come by. I'm like, I want you to do this thing. You won't get hurt. Nobody ever gets hurt on mushrooms. Okay. You will be safe regardless of what your thoughts are.

Okay. If it's too much for you, here's a cool thing that mushrooms do that edibles don't. You can say softly out loud, hey, mushrooms, pull this back a little bit. And they will answer you. I know it's crazy. It'll work. I feel like you're just, I want to go on an adventure with you. Maybe you should be our spirit guide for mushrooms.

And we'll do like a podcast while it's happening. If anybody out there wants to know, I have done a extensively researched first-time mushroom plan called Shroomfress Primer. Go to Arithegrate.com slash Shroomfest Primer. I made a national holiday for mushrooms. Oh my gosh. Where do I get them? How much is it?

they be? Can I pick them in the wild? What's the situation? How much I take? All of it. Anything you need to know is there. What? Are you the one-stop shop? Why don't we start with this? Wait, I like this. Can you overdose? I don't think so. That's your answer. Can't be sure. You really can't. At some point, you'll throw up. But like, you should take between half an eighth to is fine. You can take five grams, which is like almost two eighths. Will I barb? Possibly. I love how non-committal you are to your expert information. I've seen some people barf. I've seen some people barf. It doesn't matter. You might get nauseous. Just sit down and breathe. I mean, you don't want to barf because it's gross. But it won't. You'll barf. I've seen people laugh barf. I've seen people laugh barf. I've never seen that before. You'll have the best laugh of your life. You will laugh harder. I forget the spiritual awakening stuff that people talk about. That could happen or it might not. You will have the best laughs you've ever had in your life. Oh, wow. Okay. Maybe I am into a true. Do it with people you like. Okay.

Nobody, Pete Holmes told me about this once where he had his first bad trip. He was with a guy he didn't know that well. And a woman he was interested in romantically but hadn't done anything. So it's like, you know, where you're trying to impress those people. Well, that's why I wouldn't get high with anybody. I was sort of trying to impress at first. But you two. Yeah, she's already so impressed by me.

I couldn't do anything. You know each other. We're like family, you know. Yeah. Or like people you're like totally chill with. Make a group of five or six people. Well, it doesn't matter. Okay.

Say the name of the website again. It's Ari the great. Arilegate.com. Yeah. Slash Shroomfest primer. Shroomfest is the holiday. But if you just Google, Ari and mushrooms,

it'll probably come up if you can't remember all those. So we did this. We typically do like a game, but I don't feel like that's the vibe right now. Also, this is like the longest. What are the odds do you actually do mushrooms now that I've talked to you about? I don't. I don't know.

I'll be honest. I'm going to do them with or without you now. You're going to do them. Yeah. What was your problem with them before? Loss of control? I guess nobody's ever, like, really offered it to me. So I've never been like, yeah, let's do that.

Like, my friends have been, like, the Molly Coke crowd. My fear is, like, I hate the thought that my brain could start functioning differently because it's like my thing. Okay, here's the only thing. And so my bad, like, edible situations, I'm like, the thoughts that are going through my head are terrifying and I hate this. And this is a bad negative experience for me. Okay.

So then afterwards, okay, so after the, so between one hour and five hours, now you're hallucinating a little bit and seeing stuff and, like, being gone sometimes. and then you're back, but you still have these thoughts. You're fine, but you have really vivid, cool, interesting, truthful thoughts. Okay. And to me, that's the closest I ever got to, like, seeing it. It's like you've taken away your ego so you can see yourself honestly. It's such a rare experience.

Yeah, I'm going to do drugs. I'm going to do mushrooms. Hell yes. I love that. And we usually play a game at the end of the show, but I think we're just going to call the end. The game will be Ari's magical mushroom tour. There you go. The drug PSA.

Also, just like, just, I want to be clear on this podcast that like we do not endorse. Okay, I also want to be clear that I very much do endorse. No, like, we're not forcing drugs at anybody. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Just me. Yeah. Live your life. Yeah, live your life.

Yeah. It's not full extent, I guess. But I like the theme of this whole episode is like, be monogamous or don't. Have kids or don't. Take tons of drugs or don't. Like, just live your whole life. Just be honest about what you're doing. And, like, that's your true.

And that's what makes you a good person. Thanks. I'll take it. I'm not you. Oh, okay. It'll make somebody a good person. It's a more existential good person. Right.

Okay. Well, we need to wrap this up. But do you feel like you've said everything you wanted to say? Yeah, I guess so. I think so. You come back. You feel good about it? Yeah, this is great.

It's a lot of fun, you guys. It's fun. I didn't know what you would be like. Yeah, I didn't know either with you. I think that people are always pleasantly surprised. They're like, these girls are going to be that. Oh, they're chill. I think most people are pretty chill.

Yeah. And so then, because you read too many blogs or whatever, and you're like, oh, people are assholes and I'm, you know, crazy. And then you realize, like, I rarely run into those people, though. Right. Almost everybody's pretty normal. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah.

We're all inside the Belcum. Most of the time. Yeah. I just don't want you to feel offended that I'm not super sold in this rooms. I am going to think about it. Oh, no. I'm not offended by it. He walked in here.

I see it as a project. I feel like you want me to because you care about me after this hour and a half. You seem like a cool person. I think you get something out of it. He was here for 30 seconds. You told him that I think he's a shitty person. In a good way.

In a good way. In a good way. I mean, I said it. So, I mean, it was hilarious. I can't put it all in her. Right. But you're honest. I was like, I think we're going to like him.

He seems like a shitty person. Shitty is not the right. You know, that. You're funny. Kind of degenerate. Black soul. Yeah. Shark skin.

So the whole thing. Should we wrap up? Yeah. I want to tell people like where they could find you, do your podcast. Any tour stuff that you guys have, do you coming up? I'll be in Denver this week. I'll be in Vail right now, skiing beforehand

because I don't have kids so I can take three days off ahead of my tour dates to fucking live my goddamn life. Callback. Yeah. Yeah, my podcast is Ari Shafir's Skeptic Tank, and I do one when I can every couple weeks. I go special on Netflix you talked about. It's awesome.

If you want to get in touch with me, Twitter and Instagram are not the ways. Yeah, clearly. Do you update that website? Or is that just kind of an older blog thing? That's an old blog. I always point people to it. It's a WordPress thing. It's all on there.

All right. Thegreat.com. That's updated toward eight wise. All right. All right. What else? I got Toronto in April. Okay.

Cool. We'll make it there eventually. We're excited to go there. Okay. Yes. Well, check your website out. Go see your shows. Listen your podcast.

Whenever you put an episode out. If you had to choose one thing, go see my special. Yes. And if they want to dip their toe in the R-A-Pool, Netflix. The two-part Netflix special, right? What does it call it again? Double negative.

Okay, double negative. Yeah, the funnier part is the second one. Okay. And the more thematic part is the first one. The more thematic. Okay. As always, guys, follow us. We do check our Instagram and Twitter.

So, Girls Got a podcast. And check our website for new tour dates for merch, not new tour dates. Yeah, we're going to see. Soon. You know where to find us. Subscribe, right review. follow us individually and Instagram follow. Okay, bye guys. Have a great week. Have a good week.