Girls Gotta Eat - The Guy Who Broke His Dick

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

We love this episode so much, we kept it long and promise it's worth every second. We interviewed Ross Asdourian, author of Broken Bananah -- his (painfully) true story of breaking his penis. He answers all of our burning questions from how it happened to its effect on his life now (ie. is he getting more ass than ever?). And then we dive into a whole bunch of weird sex topics a lot of people are scared to discuss (spoiler alert: squirters and dirty talk are on the menu). We hope you love it, laugh a lot, and never have to deal with a broken bananah. You can purchase Ross' book on Amazon. Follow Girls Gotta Eat on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know, you're like, I just had such a nice experience and like I want to like bask in that for a second. But you're like in the fetal position like a little fucking baby. Dang. Yeah. Don't be such a bitch. Yeah. Get up. Get up.

Put it back in. It's bleeding. Shut up. Two girls got to eat. Hey, y'all. Is this because we're both in the South? We both are in the South. You love to say y'all.

I do love to say y'all. It was just like pouring out of my body while I was in Atlanta. You were so excited. I just, it's nice to say it. I have people look at you like you're insane and like, oh, everybody just assumes this is like part of me now. Did you pick up, were you like really getting into it? Like when you got in Uber's, were you like, hey y'all? I would like walk up to counters like Cajun be like, where are you all based normally?

You love it. I got a text from my dad last night. He's like, I heard you had a date with some guy and it looks like Fabio. I was like, all you people do is stock my Instagram account. They never ask me like, what's going out of my life? You're cute dad. He's like, Arlen, that's my brother's name. Arlen told me you to date with some guy looks like Fabio.

I was like, okay, well, it wasn't really a date. But thank you for showing an interest in my life. You did, okay, not a date, not a hookup, but you did hang out with the most beautiful person in Atlanta. You're welcome. It's like staring into the sun. I know. It's insane. He's a good friend of mine.

I introduced Raina and him when he was in New York. His name is Terbil Reese. He's an influencer. He loves the podcast. Stop plugging people that aren't us. What? He's going to plug this podcast. We're going to make him.

Okay. All right. That's fine. That's fine. Anyways, I don't know anything else to say about it. He's nice. Atlanta was fine. How was the bathtub at the Ritz?

they didn't give me a bathtub. I almost checked out of my room. Oh my God, this is the first I'm hearing about this. Do you understand how much I don't, I walked into the room and I was like, who can I talk to about the fact that there isn't a bathtub in my free $1,000 a night room? Sweet, yeah. Who can I fucking talk to about this? I walked in and they had a giant fruit plate for me that said, welcome one hungry

Jew written chocolate and no fucking bathtub. Okay, wow. Wow. If I can't be naked in a body of water and a hotel, I'm fucking house. I can't believe you were complaining about things. like Uber's, but didn't let me know that you didn't have the bat. I was embarrassed. Breaking news.

It's like staying in the ghetto. Oh, my God. You were basically at the red roof. What's the red roof? Is that not like a known shitty hotel chain? Oh, the red roof fan. The red roof fan. Yeah, there's like blood on the sheets when you check in.

They're like, don't worry about it. It's like a cum on the lampshade. Well, I'm glad you had an okay time in Atlanta. Anyways, so with you, sis. Well, I went to Nashville, like we mentioned last week, and I got to say, there is some hot guys in Nashville. So many hot guys. Like hot, tall, friendly. They come up to you. I was, I was like floored. It was like a playground. Like all I did for three days was just like drink vodka, dance to country music and flirt with cute boys. Living your best life. Living my best life.

It was really, really like I'm, I highly recommend Nashville. We should have got the Nashville Tourism board to like sponsor this episode. Like it is like I cannot recommend enough. So many bachelor parties and like the girls really aren't that hot there. Like I'm not one to ever. Oh, you're up against five and that's why you're like being there. Yeah, you're like, I'm like, am I 12 here? Like, what's the deal? Like, and I don't trash the way girls look.

Like, the most beautiful girls in the world are in New York City and Atlanta, the two places like I've lived. Like, I was just really excited about the guys there. Is there anything to do in Tennessee besides like grow tall and be good looking? Right. Are there other hobbies that one can have? Listen, also, I think a lot of it's just really. so many people visit there, especially if you're kind of in the downtown area, like in the

hongy talks, which are such a blast. Like, we were hanging out with this Irish rugby team, all of them hot, hot accents, like so great. We're hanging out this hot bachelor party from New York. Also, a guy named John, he lives in Upper West Side. He works at Bloomberg. We didn't exchange info, but this is a misconnection for John. We put him on your Instagram story. He don't work out for me. His girlfriend's probably listening to this. Like, fucking stay away from my boyfriend. But no, Nashville was amazing. I highly, highly recommend it.

All right. Everybody's going to Nashville now. Yeah. Hot chicken. Hot guys. It's a new slogan for Nashville. Did you have hot chicken? You're welcome.

I don't remember all. Whatever. I drank a lot. I really got a hangover just watching your Instagram story this weekend. I went hard. I went hard. My best friend Kate had to plug her this episode. She was like, Ashley, it was a lot.

She was like, you were in full college mode. I'm like, save a horse. I'm like a party bus. Okay. I'm done. weekend. Everybody go to Nashville, get you some. Yeah, girl. And John, call me. John from the Upper West Side works at Bloomberg. Call me. How many guys do you think named John? I live in the Upper West Side. He's like all of them. You're going to get so many phone calls this week.

Oh my God, I can't wait. Fifty guys call you. He was about 6'4, if that helps. All right, guys, we are so excited this week to welcome another man guest in the studio. We are here recording again from mouth media powered by Senheiser. I love having men here with us. I know. Well, I like it too because we can totally have male guests and they're still outnumbered by females. So like, let's have male guests all the time. I just feel like it's a female like, I need a man to help me do my job. Oh my God. I'm just, I'm not going to be good enough. I'm getting up. I'm walking out. Raina says this stuff to fuck with me. I'm sadly, it's so upset that I'm not a feminist.

Every week I'm like, you know, I think I would like less rights. I hate you. I would like less people to expect me to have a new come. Anyway, our guest this week. Anyways, our guest this week is Ross. Say your last name. As Dorian. Okay, you do it better than I do. As Dorian.

Ross broke his penis and wrote a book about it. I'm so excited. Welcome to the show. Nice to be here. Thank you for coming. Yeah. See, that's going to be, you better get used to that because that's everything you say now is going to do.

I know. I'm used to that. How many penis puns are we going to have today? The whole episode. I'm going to chalk. I'm going to just guess, I'm going to say like, what's over under you think like 46. 69.

Okay. So over. People are definitely like, someone just tuned out. You know, they did. They're like, you know what? I can't. Too much. When you said, we want less rights,

I almost had to walk out by association, because that's just a thing. You can't do 2018. Unless you're listening to this extended version, which is like 2020, number one on the charts by then for sure. Well, I'm here with two feminists, which is gross. Oh, my God.

I'm just kidding. I think women should have all the rights. That's weird. She's holding up an ex while she's saying that. That's interesting. Yeah. Anyways, she's wearing to make America great again hat. You can't see it. Yeah, that's interesting. Don't be out here telling people. I'm a Trump supporter. I'm not. Poisoned. Okay. Anyways, Ross, I would love

to introduce you to the audience. So tell us where you're from. How old are you? But make it quick, because I have all these questions. I'm totally kidding. I'm a 32-year-old Armenian male born in Miami, raised in Orlando, spent time in Seattle and then came to New York four and a half years ago after coming back and forth for quite some time. Traveled the whole country. Well, yeah, sure. What's your favorite city you've lived in? New Orleans. Oh, why, you've really lived all over. New Orleans is my favorite city in the country.

Seattle is pretty close. There's nowhere like New York. Thank you. Truthfully, there's nowhere like New York. And you can't be at the beach, so it's tough to beat L.A. Are you a sports fan? Yes. Like, how did you pick your sports teams?

I grew up a magic fan, and in Florida, college football is pretty big. But I went to the University of Florida, so I actually grew up a Seminoles fan, but then I converted because my older brother went, then I went and random facts about Ross, I was the mascot at the University of Florida. You were not. Technically, I'm a Division I'm a one athlete. I know some, I'm friends with a lot of mascots.

Are we connected? Do we have a fur connection? Two guy friends of mine were both Abbey at Auburn back to back. That is actually a legendary mascot. They win like the world championship of mascots. Well, now you're making me feel a little nerdy when you say that that exists because I feel like people didn't know that. Okay, one time I'm talking to them and they said one of the guys goes,

yeah, when we won the national championship and I was like, what, Auburn in the football team? He was like, no, like, no, like, there's a mascot championship. What? Yeah, but they both went on. One of the guys was the Falcon for the Latter Falcons, and then one. I know Freddy the Falcon. He's not anymore, and I also know the current Denver Bronco.

Yeah. A bald guy. Brad. Brad. Brad. Wow. World colliding. Nerdy jobs.

Oh, God. What you don't know is that my older brother was also the Seahawks mascot. Oh my God. For a while. And that's why I'm like, yeah, like Brad's the homie. Yeah. Okay, guys, I knew somebody who plays Chuckie Cheese in high school. Let me wedge myself in this conversation.

Oh, you don't even know any furries. Let me put my dick on the table. Yeah, okay. It's pretty small at this point, so you better start flexing. You better start flexing. What is cooler than doing Chuckie cheese, okay? Like smoke weed in the head. You hot box yourself in the head.

Wait, I'm sorry. You knew somebody you dressed with like Chuckie cheese. You're actually trying to do. No, I'm serious. She's trying to compete. She's the only friend I ever broke up with. She's not a very nice person. But she was Chucky Cheese.

Yeah. That makes sense, actually. Yeah. I can see it. I can see it. I can see it. I can see it. Yeah.

The mouse. Anyways, Ross back to you. Sorry, we digressed. All right. So you are here because a friend of mine introduced us. You wrote a book. What is the book about? The book is a overly honest comedic journey about the time that I broke my penis.

Okay. Take a breath. Every man. I'm like cracking. my knuckles is like all my questions cute. Every man. Also, there's parts of this that every woman might fear too. Great.

I don't want to break a dick. Everyone has a story where they came close enough and I'd be very surprised if you didn't either. Oh, no, I have a situation. She does. We're going to get to talk about today. Okay. Okay.

So this, when did the book come out? The book came out, middle of April and immediately climbed to the New York Times number one bestseller. What? Really? No, but I put that on my LinkedIn and no one to question it. So you know that I always stalk somebody's LinkedIn. before I want to date with that.

People are like, I saw you look to my LinkedIn. I'm like, yeah, no shit. I had to make sure you were on the New York Times best of all the list. They should also have a privacy setting, so it just says that someone saw your LinkedIn, unless you're a gold number. If you're not logged in, you can't. Okay, what's the book called? The book is called Broken Banana, Banana with an H at the end.

Is that a Jewish thing? It's not a Jewish thing. It's a reference to the love interest in the book. She's British, and so there's a scene where we're having our first conversation after of the fact. This is not the girl that I broke it off with while I was having sex. This is the other girl who I was half seeing New York dating. Oh, okay. Yeah, twist. And with her accent, she very tersely says at the end of our conversation, good luck with your broken dick. And I react by saying, that's harsh, you know, and she goes, you're right, good luck with your broken banana. And the way

that she says it kind of is drawn out like that. Okay. And now she's immortalized on the New York Times She's a new-year-time best seller. So my first question is, just to get this out of the way. Sure. Probably what everyone's wondering. Your dick is not a bone. So is this more like a tear-in-your-ac-l-type of situation? Like, can you explain kind of the technical?

Super, super great question. And it is not a bone. So if you had a penis, you would have a couple parts. So there's basically these two spongy tissues that fill up with blood, like a balloon, right? When you get hard. And then you have your urethra, which you have because that's what you'd be out of. So when you hear of a penis break, it's usually a tear or a rupture of one of those spongy tissues.

Exactly. And I tore both of my cavernosum, as they're called. Have you ever known so much about the medical field in your entire life? I can, I've never had such an interest in penises in my life. I can tell Raina's getting, like, turned on because you're using, like, doctor terms. Yeah. She's just looking at him lovingly. Tell me you went to law school and we'll be together.

I know, right? I went to law school and became a doctor. This is the perfect combo. He was the mascot. Oh, my gosh. That's the mascot in law school. I just came sitting here. I didn't get to touch myself.

So, yeah, so I tore both of those spongy tissues, and my urethra was severed. Oh, my God. That's what makes this extremely rare. She tore it. Not, you didn't do it. I would like to think it was a team effort, actually. Yeah. We were technically both having sex with each other.

What sex position were you in when it happened? Yes, next question. We were in... Exactly what I wanted to know. What doctors described as doggy style. Doggy style. Interesting. I pictured more of a like riding situation.

I thought she'd be on top. Right. So this is a heated topic that traditionally, and it was usually the woman on top was the most dangerous position, but as of recent studies, as I have found out, it's actually a doggy style. Well, women, there you go. It's permission to lay on. your back and just do nothing. Starfish. So, okay, this is a really, really personal question. Yes, great. Were you on any performance enhancing drugs? I was not. Okay. Why did you think that?

I don't know, because I was actually, I was talking to someone else about this. And that was his, that was his question, because he was like, how could this happen if you weren't just, like, rock hard due to, like, Viagra or whatever? He's not, like, 65. His dick can get hard. Yeah. Of course. No, but that's, he was just like, I don't understand how it could break unless it was, like, kind of. And, and he was, like, kind of had more going on inside of it. And like to that point, actually it's a very pertinent question. The whole reason that this happened as bad as it did, and there really is no weird way to, like, normal way to say this, as the doctor said, he said, it's a freak accident because you had no

elasticity. So that is why the break was so sudden. There was no, it wasn't like, you know, we were just, ugh. It was really this combination of how hard I was. And, like, her. Tight vagina? Yeah. Okay, also, okay, can you just like walk us through, you don't need to be too pornographic, but like, you were doing this girl doggy style, this girl with the type vagina and like what happened?

Was it like a pop sound? Like, tell me what happened? And then what happened immediately after? Was it just like ambulances? Is this like the something about Mary scene? Like, kind of set the scene. So we'll skip to kind of, you know, obviously we're having sex. We're getting close to the end.

So 20, 30 seconds in. and right as I'm coming, like basically I came out and went, unknowingly came out and went back in as we're doing a doggy style. By accident. By accident. You weren't going to like come a little slip out on your back or something. Right. It's a superman.

And basically, I just missed. And we are both equal and opposite forces. And it kind of hit her taint or her, you know, gooch or whatever is you'd like to call it. And I heard an audible pop. Oh! Yeah. And at that moment, I keeled over in like anime slow motion and one to ten, how gross we want to get? All of it.

It was really weird and you were like, if you want to just tame it down a little bit. So her tight vagina was, you're like, you're hitting it doggy's style. I don't know what we wanted to go here. So as the pop happened, I keeled over and basically shot blood out of the tip of my penis. went on the wall, on the sheets, and I kind of went into the fetal position at the foot of my IKEA bed. You were your house. Okay.

Yeah. I was in my apartment. This was in the East Village. Shout out, first and sixth. 12th and X. And, you know, I immediately knew what had happened. And the second I could kind of open my eyes, I got up, I flipped the lights on, I grabbed my phone. I looked at this poor woman who was still.

on all fours looking at me like, what's happening? Oh my God. And I think that in the most serious tone I've ever had in my life, I looked at her and I said, I think I broke my penis. Simultaneously, as I'm calling 911. Right. Also, I want to set this scene, this is the first time you saw this, this is like a one-night stand.

Oh. No, no. I actually, so we had hooked up in college, and I hadn't seen her for seven years. So she was coming in town, and I'd seen her the night before. We went out with her and her girlfriend. And then the next night, we kind of had like a little double date, went to Ace Bar, never going there again.

And then after... Triggered. Yeah, triggered. Big time trigger. Went back to my place. So there was definitely a familiarity. Okay. Not a stranger.

Not a stranger. I read the first few chapters of the book. I just have really bad memory. That's okay. I was like, Ashley, are you going to read any of the book? And I'm like, no. I want to be like totally surprised by like all, I mean... But for sure you're going to want to go and read it now.

Totally. Like, I can't believe you didn't bring us signed copies. I did. He brought us little banana flashlights. Yo, that shit was Mad Custom. The gifts are amazing, yeah, but I'm definitely going to get the book, obviously. Okay. So what's next?

What's the treatment? What's the, I mean, cheers. Are you wrapped in a cast? So because it's not a bone, there was no cast. I did have a catheter in. We signed my penis cast. Signed it. There was a thought to have people sign my catheter bag, which would just be weird.

Oh, my God. Oh, you were in a peab bag. Not as cool as signing a penis cast. How long? Did you have to have a pee bag? I was supposed to only have it for two weeks, but my urethra hadn't healed, so I had to have it for a full month. Oh, my God. Could you not work?

I actually say that I harbor the most guilt for having lied to my job about why I couldn't come to work. And I basically worked from home for about three weeks, and I came into one meeting just to, like, show that I wasn't fucking around, like, that I actually did have, a catheter and a pee bag and, you know, I mean, I was like walking like an old man. Yeah, like my grandpa, okay. Yeah, 100%. Like, when I go into the urologist's office, it was a little like me and exclusively

senior citizens. Uh-huh. That was it. So, hanging with the homies. Need some girls that way. Big time. Plus 65. Grady girls.

Exactly. And they put out. If you can dream it up, there is a market for it. Right. That's true. If you can Google it, you know. Peabag porn. So you go to your job with your urethra bag.

Yeah. And I obviously had to lie about why I was in the condition I was. And, you know, to be honest, people don't really ask that many questions when you have that kind of injury. But it also wasn't a very visible injury. So, you know, if you break your arm, it's very easy to see. And the pain points were much more internal than external. There were like burns or things that people see. Oh, my gosh, you're okay.

Yeah. So, you know. At one point did you decide this was funny? Was there like a point when it became like went from? embarrassing to funny? Or did you start telling people right away? I didn't. I actually have been super reticent about it, obviously, up until recently. And I thought it was funny from most, pretty much the entire time. But, you know, I'm sure that you're in the same way. Like, I cope with... Totally. You know, I cope using tragedy. Or I'm sorry, I cope using comedy.

And, you know, especially in the hospital. I mean, A, like, if there, when you say things happen for a reason. I was like, if there was one person put on this planet to tell dick jokes, like, I would take that. You took the crown. I would take that crumb. I mean, if you break your dick and like, don't write a book about it, like you, I mean, missed opportunity. Yeah, exactly. You're fucking up. Okay. Question. Did you have health insurance? I did. Or are you like paying off your broken dick for life? I, man, I totally did. And, and I... Okay, I'm happy for you. Yeah, that was a big, I still cost me quite a bit. Sure, but like if you were just... Ballparked me what it costs to break your penis. So,

So I, and I put it in the book, but I don't remember the, I want to say it was like 60 grand total bills. Quite a bit. And, but you have to remember, it's not like just like one. I mean, it was, you know, two years really of recovery and you're going and visiting. That's definitely the next question. Yeah. Like what are, I mean, I guess the main question is like when could you have sex again? Wait, also what year was this?

This was 2014. Okay. So three and a half years ago. So you have sex now? Yes. But how long was it? two years, you could have? No, no, no, no. That was like, um, so it was about three months until I could actually use it again, uh, the way I'd like to like to like, any kind of injury, it's,

you know, usually like four or six weeks, first bout of recovery, three months and then six months, after six months, angle change. Like, that's where you are. That's what it is. Do you have friends just like banging down your door to like be the first person I've sex with you? Like, they wanted to help. But I didn't, like, this thing, like, it really wasn't, I, I, that would be. That's how Raina would be. You're like such a good friend. If you ever broke your vagina, I would offer to be the first one to stir something into it. To ciss are with you. To stick something into it.

Thank you. So I bought a couple vegetables. What? I thought you said soup. You know, just in case. Oh, gosh. Anyways, we were friends. I would have offered to have sex with you just to, like, make sure you are.

I actually really would appreciate that. Like, I don't get that that often. Now that you're saying it, I'm like, well, maybe they weren't even friends. Right. Yeah. Do you even have friends if they don't offer to have sex with you after this happened? It's like your friends who would pick you up at the hospital and who would have sex with you in a medical situation. Exactly.

Oh, fuck your friends. Okay, so when did you have sex first? So it was three months afterwards. That you had sex? Yeah, the first time I had sex again. Oh my God, you weren't like, I mean, did you have, like, such PTSD? Yeah, big time. Like, I didn't even finish.

Like, and that was kind of like the comedy of it. It was, it was, I was basically just testing the equipment to make sure. I just feel like I would be so scared. Could you masturbate? No. She didn't know. Like, that was, like, like. And, you know, when I rolled her, I was like, I'm good. Like, I had the biggest smile on my face.

And I was like, I'm good. And she was like, well, don't, do you want me to? I was like, no, no. Just want to make sure everything is working. I want to go to sleep tonight and check the box. But I couldn't, I couldn't masturbate for like two months. Is that the longest you've ever gone since you were eight? Since I was big, yeah, like. Did it hurt every time you got hard? Yeah. So like crazy discomfort, which that lasted, you know, for like two years. So, you know, when. Oh, God. Yeah. Like, that's, that was a gnarly part because. essentially it's like, I mean, not that you get erections, but if you got an erection

and it was a little painful, it'd be kind of hard to keep that erection. I'd be like, ow, out, out. Oh my God. This is so sad. I know, but we can laugh about it now. But you're at 100% now. And he's on the New York Times bestseller list. And I'm like, he's fine.

And Ryan is clearly offering herself up. Yeah, so I want to know the number one question I really have been dying to ask you. Are you get, when did the book come out in April? Yeah, a couple weeks ago. Are you getting like crazy amounts of ass because of this? Like, no, I don't, like, this is a very odd question. Like, I don't, this would, this to me would be like the duchiest thing to do. Because they're like, well, do you like, you know, do you use this like what you're open with?

I'm like, what kind of person? Like, in real life, what does that really look like? Hey, can I get you a drink? Also, I happen to have a copy of my New York Times bestseller. That's about my penis. Right. Also, let me ask you this. If you knew, well, he's sitting right here, I guess.

If you knew a guy who broke his dick. Let's theoretically say, you're in a room with a guy. You're in a guy that you are interested in sleeping with. Just let's say, would you be a little scared, knowing that he already, like, broke it once? Would you hesitate a little bit? No, because I had a situation that I'm going to talk about today where I'm itching to hear this. I hurt someone pretty bad and we kept dating and having sex forever. I mean, I think, you know, it's, she doesn't.

This girl didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. It just was like, I think it really happened to anybody. Were you drinking, like, pretty heavily that night? We had two beers. Oh, that's it. We had two beers. But we knew each other.

So, like, and I'm not like, I don't go out and get shit. I'm not like a, oh, I know where this night's going, so I ain't trying to whiskey it into this room with you. Can you imagine if, like, your taint broke somebody's dick? You might get a plaque. Like, how does, are you still in contact with her? Yeah. Just, I mean, geez, does she still feel guilty?

Like, which. No, no, I mean, honestly, like, again, again, it was such a blessing. Like, this was the worst possible scenario with the best outcome. Right. Like, 100%. And she, like, she was super sweet. And she had to leave the next days.

And she, you know, stayed in the hospital with me until, like, two, three in the morning. But she lives in Florida and we keep in contact. And she's great. I mean, you know, it's she, in that moment, you know, I talk about how she was like, I'll marry you, you know? And, like, she really was so, like, she felt so bad. Aw, Angel. And, I mean, how do you react in a situation like that?

The best gift you can give a man when you break their dick is to marry them. That's what all men want. Well, if you think about it, if we don't have a penis anymore, might not get married. Oh, I guess that's true. You know what I'm saying? Wow, she's so thoughtful. I know. What a sweetie.

I know. Relegating herself to a life of like no sex maybe. But I feel like at that point I would have been like, babe, it's an open, you can go get, go get that dick. Like, I'm cool with that. Not me. If I was married to somebody and for some reason, like my vagina, like sealed up. Like, I, yeah. There's other holes.

There's other things. But that's a female perspective. Like for a guy, as a guy without a penis, how are you going to get off? Like, you can't be. I'll buy you one of those silicone vagina. You don't have fucking other people. I'm like mad just thinking about it. All right.

Should we, I don't have any other burning questions right now. I just really wanted to know if you've been getting like crazy enough about it. It's not even, it's not something where I have, okay, you don't, you want to know until after the fact. Yeah, but the reason why like I met you was because a girlfriend of mine was at like a reading, right? That you were doing and I'm assuming other girls were at this reading. So nobody came up to you. They were not clawing for it. Oh, all right.

Well, my standards are low. That's probably why I thought that. Okay. I'm also super oblivious, so maybe they were and I was just trying to sell books. Like, hey, can I get you a drink? I'm like, yo, can you just cop a book real quick? Because I'm trying to boost these sales. They're like, sign my tits and you're like, I'll sign this book.

I'll sign this book, bitch. Fucking, you know, it's tough being an author up in this place. You know what I'm fucking books there are out there? I'm competing. Marlow the bunny is crushing me. Well, I'm spending my whole life. putting this on paper. Right.

These girls are like, damn, okay, forget it. Yeah, shit, okay. So I thought that we would talk about it. We always try to, you know, formulate a little topic around a guess. So I thought we were talking about other weird sex stuff that, like, we get a lot of questions that are like emails and start with like, is this normal that? Yeah. Let's do our experience.

Well, the thing I was, when I was researching for this was the number, I googled, like, sex questions people are afraid to ask. And the number one question across like 50 different things I read was, can you break somebody's penis? Right. Really? Oh, yeah. Number one question, everywhere I went.

So, Ash, have you ever gotten injured during sex? I, yeah, one time I met this guy, we came back to my place, had, like, crazy sex, like, all over the place. We're, like, in the kitchen, like, been over the couch. Like, it was really, like, solid, great, crazy sex, like, some of the best of my life. And he never called me again. So I was hurt. You were mentally injured. Emotionally injured.

Wow. Wow. I'm like a hard. No, I haven't really, I think we all had, like, drunk in, like, bumps and bruises. I, you know, my hips are a little tight, so I've been known to, like, foam roll after having sex. How soon after, like, immediately, like, he goes to the bathroom to wash off and you're like, oh, I got to roll. Ooh, this is tight right here. He's, like, having a cigarette and I'm, like, laying on the floor on the foam roller.

No, I had an ex that we, I do a lot more yoga now, but I used to have really tight hips. I had an ex that I would have, like, stretch me out after, like, we had a lot of sex. very intimate. We're really at those, like, tight hips. That's a beautiful relationship. Yeah. It was cute. What happened?

Jail time. We gave you. Every week, somebody wants to know what happened. It's like, I don't have this junior. We don't have this kind of time. You're going for you, you know? I've definitely been sore after sex when you fuck a guy with a huge dick, and that's why I'm like not a fan of like a huge dick.

Oh my God. When you like the next day, you can still feel like in your stomach. Internally bruised. Like, who wants that? Who you're going to get a long grade. We're going to. Our chance is just skyrocketed. You sit up and you're like, I'm going to throw up, I can still feel it in my spleen.

Like, I don't, the, I think I did some research too. Rain is usually one researching statistics. Like, the average vagina is like five to six inches deep. Like, any girl that's like, I want a nine inch cock. It's like, way to admit you have a cavern for vagina. I would get a UTI like every second. It doesn't, it doesn't fit. Yeah.

Like, you're not trying to park a Tahoe into like a compact car spot. And like, if you do, like, something's getting scraped up on the way out. Like, I just don't. You want to, like, walk around lacerations inside of your vagina and be, like, at the clinic for UTI medication, like, every four minutes. Well, that's for a nine inch, and apparently I can only fit five, so. But on that note, like, I just, I also feel kind of bad for guys with, like, huge dicks. Like, I don't, women, like, who wants that kind of pain? Well, I want to have sex, like, every day when I'm in a relationship.

Like, I can't do that. You can't, like, doggy style hurts. Doggy style definitely hurts for Ross. That's never going back. So, Raina, how about you? You almost broke a dick? I gotta hear this. I'm very excited to hear any of this story.

Like, it's, yeah, it's a funny story. So we were, my boyfriend and I were in Dewey Beach. Shout out to Dewey Beach. I actually loves it. It's really fun. There's really not a lot to do there besides party and drink and fucking your hotel. Like that's what you do. Great.

So, like, that's what we were doing. We just, we woke up and we had sex. We went to the beach. We had sex. We went out for dinner. We had sex. Like, that's all we did the whole time there. Drink and fuck.

I'll have the lobster. They call it Do Me Beach. He did me. He did you, all right. I'm going to get to one of the Do Me Beach T-shirts. Our sex life was not like the greatest. He's like a nice person, but like totally not very great sex. Dick was too big.

Actually, he did have a nice, a big deck, but he was very quiet during sex. Oh, nope. Just like silent. And Ashley knows I like a lot of. We can unpack that later, but let's get to the trauma. So we're like, we go to the beach, we come back. You know, you're all like sweaty and hot from the day. And we're like making out.

And like, I really wanted to have sex. And I'm like trying to make him have sex to me. he was resisting it and just like I get on top of him we start having sex and okay I feel so bad our sex life was not that good so I didn't like get off that often during sex and I'm like in the middle of like the best orgasm I have ever had and like I just like moved my hips a certain way and he screamed bloody murder like I like broke his dick in the middle of sex he snapped it he was like in the fetal position like couldn't breathe and I'm like you're in the middle of an orgasm so like you don't even know what to do because you're like, I really want to finish this experience.

Yeah, I'm not that shit out. You're like, I'm still coming. He's like, yeah! Sorry, sorry, you can't handle this, pussy. Yeah, you wanted someone loud. You got him. You just had to fucking do the right move. You had to give him the Latin treatment.

It's the most excited he ever seen during sex ever. What do I have to do? Break your cock. So, yeah, that's the time. And there's no, like, you don't have to say in the moment because sorry doesn't really seem like. Were you like, that was amazing. I know, you're like high-fiving yourself.

You know what people are like beat the pussy up? Let's do that again. Break his dick, bitches. Don't want to make that shit a kick-cap bar. It's just so internally, like, confusing when like, make that dick a car. Can we just sit on that for a minute? She's out on, all right.

Make that dick and kick a bar. Can we make that a t-shirt? That's the back of the Dumi T-shirt. That is the best rap lyric I've ever. kick cat dick. That actually might be by rapping a now that I say. Break that dick cat bar. I can't handle it.

We need a Cardi B to make a song with those lyrics. You're welcome, Cardi. You're welcome, Cardi. Oh, my God. That's my story. I don't know. You don't know how to handle things when in the middle of like a seriously intense orgasm.

Like, I mean, the last five seconds. But like, you know, you're like, I just had such a nice experience. And like, I want to like bask in that for a second. But you're like in the fetal position like a little fucking baby. Dang. Yeah. Don't be such a bitch.

Get up, put it back in. It's bleeding. Oh, man. You know what's funny? I actually, like, I wonder what that conversation was afterwards, right? Like, did you, did, like, how bad was it? I mean, he was okay within, like, maybe, like, 20, 25 minutes. He definitely did not want to have sex with me for the rest of the day.

Maybe it was kind of like a Charlie horse. Oh, okay. No, he didn't cramp up. Like, I, like, moved my hips and it just, like, yeah. But you were feeling, you, did you break up afterwards or were you like, okay, I came finally. I can, we can end this relationship. No. I, like, suffered through this relationship for a few more months and then ended it.

Yeah, that sounds about right. That sounds like how bad relationships tend to, like, we should break up. Let's wait six months. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's how it was. So should we get into our weird sex? What about some other stuff? Let's get into the weird sex because that's all normal for us now.

Yeah, this was totally. We got, if we got kick as usual. All right, so we made a list of, like, things that people ask us, are they normal? If you have to ask. Since you wanted to talk all that doctor jargon earlier. Yeah, I'll like that. You're clearly a professional. We have a doctor in the house, guys.

Shout out. Okay, so let me ask you a doctor question. Yes. While we're talking about orgasms, one of the other things that came up was women that can't orgasm vaginally. Oh, that's like everyone I sleep with. But that sounds like a you problem.

If you are the common denominator, I mean like the general public. She says Raina. Oh, that's not where you saw that. Did we call me? Did we call me? Just roast him? Oh, sorry, you can't get a girl. I've broken.

Dick. He broke it. He brought it up. I like the, you straight shot that. I was like, oh, okay, she didn't take it like a joke. That sounds like a new problem. Okay, dang. You know, Col 45 that bitch. Okay. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. That's not the joke you were making. That was the joke I was making. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right, lady. I feel like you sat the president for this, for this relationship. Like, last night you're talking about fucking a ghost. I mean, I just assumed. Are you into that? Oh, because, what? You guys have been texting? Is that? Oh, okay. Oh, interesting. Interesting. Interesting. I actually. I actually. I actually. I actually.

I think I put your number in wrong. I thought it was a six, but it was an eight. Anyway, we'll add you back to the group text. That's totally Raina's fault. I don't even have Ross's number. Apparently him and Rain have been texting for days. New Ross, yeah. Hashtag New Ross.

I don't know why it's a hashtag. Last week we had a guest on the show, and Ashley and him were talking, and she's like, oh, yeah, we were just talking about that, you know, last week. And I was like, oh, you guys hung out without me. Goodbye. Every time I've heard it on the re-recording, I get upset. Is this like a revenge? Are we doing revenge porn right now?

A revenge board. He's a girlfriend, too. Apparently Ross is single. I read that on CNN. That was on CNN? Yeah. Raina has talked to you. Wow, that's big time.

I read one article. I know, I'm just kidding. Okay, so something about women not coming during sex? Yeah, so one of the things we, like, we get a lot of questions and emails and something that comes up a lot are women talking about how they cannot vaginally orgasm, meaning, like, not from other things. Like, if you, like, touch yourself during sex or, like, somebody's going down on you, obviously, but like women that can just not come from straight sex.

But I mean, that is, that is so normal. Is it? Yeah. Let me hit you with some science, guys. I actually don't think it's normal. You don't think it's normal. I do, yeah, I don't think that's normal. I think I have a lot to say.

I think a lot of it is like the, the older you get, I guess, the more you comfortable, you become and more confident and like know what to ask for during sex. I have realized recently, or whatever, in the last couple years, like just how much I really love, like, dirty talk and like vocal, like a guy that's like vocal. Like that's what really gets me going. Because I mean, I think women are a lot more mental anyway. Like it's what's going on your head, I think kind of translates to down there. So I'm, I don't know, I can't, I don't think I could

ever have sex with like a silent guy ever again. No ghost sex. Is this, is that more talking about ghost sex? All right. Hit us with some. Rob wanted to remind you that we were texting last night without you. Hit me. I'm going to hit you with some statistics. And I actually, I really agree with you that as women get older, you're just, it's easier for you to, like, ask what you want. And you're feeling yourself more. And yeah, but like, ask what you want and like, yeah, whatever. Also, like, get a cock ring, whatever. Now we know what your solution was.

I just think as you get older, you're also more likely to, like, touch yourself during sex. Totally. You don't feel like, you're more comfortable. You'd be like, and you just say what you want to hurt their feelings. But in life, like, you, I mean, I think you hit, like, we'll just say 30, for example. You hit 30. You're like, what, if I'm not going to get off, what the fuck am I doing here? It's like, yeah, I'm going to ask for what I. I want, you know? What am I doing? What am I even doing here?

Having sex with you without having an orgasm? Get the fuck out of it. Right. This is what it's for. If I'm not asking you to call me a dirty slut in bed, like, why am I even here? Why don't I even have a mouth? All right. Hit us with those statistics. Statistics.

Okay. This is from some American blah, blah, blah. Read the cliff notes from this. I don't know. It's from like a respected journal. Okay, so frequency of male and female orgasms. With a familiar partner, men orgasm, 89% of the time. with like a partner.

Women only orgasms, 63% of the time, which is like a, that's a really small, like 40% of the time you're not coming. But with a casual sex partner, the difference is crazy. So for men, it almost doesn't drop at all. So it goes from like a random hookup and a relationship kind of thing, I mean. So men, they come 83% of the time. So only a 6% drop if they're not familiar with the person. Women, what, 8%.

No, women, it's 38%. So 68% of the time you are coming with like a partner that you're not familiar with. I mean, I totally get that. I mean, there is just something to be said for A, someone that you really are emotionally connected to and be someone that like knows what you like and you guys are comfortable with each other. It would take a lot, I think, for me. It would just like come with somebody the first time that I don't know, like a stranger essentially. And then usually that first time there's alcohol involved, which desensitizes the whole situation anyway.

But like I think that makes total sense, don't you think? have you been drinking? Can you get off? It's harder for sure. I guess it's just the level of the dirty talk. Would you feel comfortable with a stranger or someone that you don't know as well, bringing in like accoutrema that you feel like would help you, or do you feel like that offends them? What is, like, strawberry?

Like toys? Strawberry, yeah, exactly. I'm like food? A nice prime rib, you know? And they bring a big potato to the bed for me? I'm just like coming all over the place. If they throw Cheetos at me and yell at me in Spanish? I don't know.

I went out on a date one time with a guy. We got wasted. And, like, I had just gotten some new sex toy and I, like, whipped it out. Like, this is first night. Yeah. People were like, are you for real? That's crazy. And I wasn't that in the guy.

And so I was like, fuck it. Might as well try this out. Why am I even here if I'm not going to get out? Right. Yeah. While you're here, let's whip this. Did it work? Toy out.

I mean, wait, first of all, what was the toy? Okay. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this toy is from. I'm trying to get hired. Shit, what's the... Jimmy Jane, which is the best vibrator company. I wrote a blog about how I got searched in...

My bag got searched in London through Heathrow, and they found my vibrator. It's a true story. This TSA agent pulled it out and said, ma'am, can you turn this on? It was... My knee... I don't get embarrassed.

My beat red, my knees were like buckling underneath me to turn my vibrator on, and I'm just thinking, please don't take it. What color was it? This teeny white little pocket rocket. Kate got it for me for my birthday. So anyway, and I just threw it in the bag when I was packing. She should have thrown it in the check bag.

That was my bad. Jimmy Jane, they read the blog, which was super cute that they found it. They sent me. They were like, such a serious email. They're like, Ashley, we want you to be able to get through security with your vibrator. They made these things. They go on your fingertips and they look like head, they look like earbuds. I don't know if they still make them.

Look like earbuds. And the guy basically wears this little mitt that has things that go in your fingers that vibrate, so he's basically, like, touching your clitoris vagina with these vibrating little finger pads. And it's a glove. It's, it's like, I mean, it's not. It's like a Houdini. It's like, it's simple.

It's not like you're a Michael Jackson glove, but, like, it's these two little myths on, and then it's got a little wrist strap. Okay, great. And I had just gotten it, and I bring this guy home that I was not into, but we were so fucked up, and I'm like, what I got. Let me take this glove out and Power Rangers my ass. That guy never left me alone. I'm not kidding.

I didn't. You know the story. that he told and breakfast the next day. He was like, the best night of his life. I mean, after we finished choking up, I was like, okay, bye, like, see you later. That's the way to get a guy. Just be so mean to him.

Yeah, well, obviously, that's how you get anybody to come back and just treat him like shit. But yeah, he, yeah, that was tough. It was tough, like, that guy was a... Wow. But anyway. But I agree with what you said previously. Yeah, it's definitely harder

to sort of get off with somebody that you don't know. But that's also, like, you're more willing to ask for what you want with somebody you know a little better. Ask for what you want, Girls. Yeah, and I don't know if this is a loaded statement, but I feel like it is partially on the woman to express what she wants. I think so, too. Guys don't know what the fuck we're doing. Like, thank you. It's pretty easy. Guys are all the same. Every girl is a different fucking treasure map that you have to listen and touch and A, B, test, and you have to comb through your rolodex of everyone you've been with. And you're like, this was a surefire for, and do I go in? Do I go on, like stay on to, two, like, there is.

no, even when the girl tells you what she wants, it might change that night. She's like, yeah, I've always like this, but, you know, today I'm kind of just like, if you could just sing some seal. I'm like, what? Okay, okay. You know? I'm like, if you can just listen to me, talk about my hopes and dreams

for the next 30 minutes, I'll come so hard. Yeah, just financial plan. Can you just scroll through my Instagram and rebe my captions out loud? Can you show me your bank account while I'm looking at my own Instagram account? Let's compare the numbers. If I could just look at my own Instagram while you're fucking me, that would be amazing.

Ashley, the other day somebody looking me and they were like, what are you laughing at? Ashley was like, I guarantee it's her own Instagram recount. I'm hilarious. Guilty. Oh my God. I cannot wait to fuck somebody while I get to scroll my own Instagram. Oh, my gosh. I fucked somebody while we were talking about the Jersey Shore before we started this.

I let somebody do me doggy style so that I can watch an episode of the Jersey Shore while it was. Stop it. All right. DVR though. Oh, that was, okay, 2011. Yeah. Have you... Oh, season one? Yeah, that was... Oh, my God. You couldn't miss an episode. Exactly. That's why I let him hit it from a high bar. I want a guy home. This guy, he's so hot. He met him in a bar.

Brought him home and, like, we had to watch the episode from that night. Like, this guy's like, I just am trying to fuck. Like, now I got to watch Jersey Shore. You know, we'll stick it out. Like, we just need a 0.2% chance of getting laid, and we will do... We will watch the whole season of Real Housewise if we're like, yo, she said that she's a little horny on the third week of every month and I'm checking my calendar right now and the moon is aligning right so like we will stick through what like and if you really want a guy to stick around it is given a 0.1% chance of a threesome we will stay around foe ever for ever it's a good call there you go ladies see it's we talked about this a couple weeks ago too on the show

pro tip just don't do anything just put out like a little bit of signal that something might happen once ever and men will just come right and just like probably with you. And I'm not like the bitch that you are naturally. It's always worked for me. You can just be feeling it and have no intention and just lean in and be like, I'm so wet right now. But then like, resume conversation

be like, how's the coffee though? And the guy would just be like, what's a strong power move? What just happened? And months later, like, we'll just be like, well, I just, at one time, I think that she'd a freak because we haven't coffee but I just don't know how long it's going, and I'm losing money at this point, so. I got a little horny

when you said that. Yeah, I'm a little less. Let me just say that there is not a guy in this planet that, like, doesn't want to ever hear those words, right? Never. Thank you. So, ladies, like, I say that all the time. Yeah. Like, I mean, you know. You can just say it at Starbucks, like, say it all the time.

You'll get, you'll get free stuff. How can I get a caramel macchiato? And I'm so wet right now. You will get the discount. You'll get the gold card. They'll put some fucking whipped cream on that bitch. They'll upgrade you to a benchee. You will be Starbucks VIP before you know it.

The podcast will shoot the. Number one, you'll be a New York Times bestseller. He's like, damn, I just tried to order a coffee one time. I can't breathe. Oh, God. I'm just thinking. I kind of got to go to Starbucks after this. I'm ordering something.

And I'm all so wet right now. I think I'm going to. Dude, this is the power that y'all yield. Like, if I were to go to Starbucks, be like, can I get a hot chocolate? And I'm so hard right now. They'd be banned from Starbucks. Like, yield your power. Actually, now I'd be like the customer, the money.

You're like, James, I'm so wet right now. Just go back. Oh, my God. Your picture would be a ploy of the month. You would get fully arrested. I would be in jail for seven years. I'd be like, what you're in for? I told the cashier I was hard.

Wait, what year? 2018. Dog, you can't be doing that in 2018? I can't. I know, I've got to serve my time. I might like it. Like, if I was out with, like, my boyfriend and their parents, if he just, like, leaned over and whispered in my ear, like, I'm so hard right now.

And they just went back to talk to his mom. It would make me wild. I love it. I love it. That's pretty wild. Oh, man. Okay. I was dirty sexting somebody once.

he was just like not responding and I was like did too far I take you too far and he was like no I'm at me dead with my mom yeah well there's that mean that you're like send a dick pics it's like it's like text or find somebody that text you dirty stuff while they're having dinner with their family I love that it's true in church oh my god nothing gets me more near than when somebody's like I want to fuck the shit out of you and I'm in church oh oh oh oh yeah short term long term might my backfire whatever the thought that I could make somebody like hard in the house of God just like really lights me up mic drop all right To be fair, all the hottest girls are always at church.

Like, that's part of, like, the religious parallel as you go to church, and you're like, why are all the hottest girls here? What am I, like, I'm supposed to bow my head, but I'm kind of peek into the side over here because Stacey got it going on. But I try to sing the hymnal, well, you don't, this is a church thing. Wait, are you Jewish? No. No, okay.

People think I am. People think I'm Jewish, too. But you're not? Your name is Ross. Yeah, it's a pretty white thing. Are we talking about. Hit them with the statistics. Since we were talking about being wet.

that what the next topic is? Yeah, the number of people that are wet statistically. No, but actually I do have another topic to throw out. Um, so another one of the things I came across, like, questions people are afraid to ask, like, if you don't get wet enough or if you get too wet. Well, I want to share one thing that does come from a

doctor friend. Great. My friend's like, sort of a guy know. I don't know. I don't know if sort of a guy knows the type of, she can do IUD and stuff. She's legit. But she, as women get older, they dry up more. It's like, just as erectile dysfunction, same with women, you just don't get as wet. And I was like, I actually never really thought of that

because I've never really had an issue with it, but we're getting older. And I said something to her. I was like, well, how do you combat that? Is there any way to kind of do anything preventative? And she was like, have lots of sex. And I was like, say no more. Say no more, fam. That's really like what you do. Like, don't let these big dry spells happen. Like keep it, keep it going. It's the same thing with a penis. Your penis is a muscle. Like if you don't exercise it, it gets smaller. And people that are older, their penis gets like super tiny and then they'll get implants that you actually like pump up vice to the piece on you you pump this fucking implant that makes you it's just basically keeping your dick working if you don't use it it just keeps getting smaller does the same thing

if you don't go to the well for water right may ain't go be going to be water does masturbation count I think I mean that's the thing that I was asking I mean I think that like just you must have a huge penis I think probably sex is preferable but I mean yeah if you can just keep it wet I other things I'm going to say, I think never use lubricant that's like from the drugstore. Like, don't, K-Y is like not good for you. Coconut oil. Coconut oil is the best lubricant. Is it? Like the stuff you like buy at the grocery store? Yeah, just coconut oil. And then there's a coconut oil. No, just coconut oil. Coconut's actually a business idea. Oh, man. I'm sad that you thought of it before.

But like, I don't know. I don't want to get into it. But like a lot of those things that they sell are just not good for you. Interesting. In the drugstore. They have the chemicals in them. You don't want to stick them up your vagina. So coconut oil. And then the last thing I'll say about this topic is I don't think there is anything as being too wet. I don't think any guys ever complained about that. Ooh, objection, Your Honor. Ross has a story. I and no disrespect to the squatters out there.

I like as someone who, wait, are you all squatters? No, I have a great story. No disrespect to the squatters out there. No disrespect to the squatters. Another t-shirt. I, as someone in New York who doesn't, like when I didn't have laundry, you know, you don't have laundry in your place and, you know, you girl comes back and then all of a sudden it's a little slip and slide and I'm like cool. Okay, I see that.

Now, I got to go, and not only, like, I got to go change my guy, I go to the draw, I got a laundrom, like that's. Well, there's always a wet spot, usually. But there's a difference between a squatter and a wet spot, like a wet spot will dry. A squatter, and I don't know if y'all have ever been with a woman to squirts properly. Have you? I have. Okay. And it's probably, I really, really like this. Like, I really liked her. And I was like, and the sex was great, but holy hell. I mean, it was like someone took a pitcher of water and just poured it. at like that was and it was a very weird fascinated by squatters oh same I'm fascinated by guys that yeah we're gonna talk about that and I was like oh like what do you mean don't you like you but then

you have to clean and you have a whole you gotta go to the dryer and then guys you know when you come on us we have to do that too like when you confetti come all and you come all over us why I am always like why don't I just come in your mouth and we all go home happy isn't that a thoughtful thing that's a thoughtful Ross I think I fell in love with you yeah well and you know that I'm a half doctor, so. Oh my God. Like the OBGYN that kind of sometimes can do. I just squirted for the first time, guys.

It's my sort of guy, no friend. When you went down on her and she like squirt in your face? Oh, God, I can't believe. This is a great question. Thank you. So with this particular woman, like I would go down on her and she would want me to use the phalanjis as well. And you could feel it coming, like because she would tighten up vibrating finger pads on them?

That was not a glove. Had I had a glove. I'm going to get them to send you that glove. Fuck, yeah. I would love that. I would love the glove. Yeah. Big time love. So I could feel her. She would tense up like crazy, and it was like the eruption was coming.

And I would just, I would literally get out of the way. This is what it feels like to have sex with you people. Oh, my God. But again, look, it's a receipt. So there's a big validation with a squatter because we don't get that. You know, as a girl, you go, oh, you came. Like, it's pretty hard to fake it as a guy, right? You have to, like, coddle, be like, hey,

It's okay. I'm going to be okay tonight. You know, growing up and be like, oh, I did. Let's just, you know, get some people. With a squirder, you feel good. You're like, ah, yeah, I did that. Oogabuga, booga. Like, I'm the man. So I get that.

But the counterpart is just, you've got to do laundry. And you know, when I do laundry. I've never really, yeah, the laundry. Yeah, big time. It's not just like throw it in the washer dryer. I mean, some people have washer dryers. Yeah. If you're rich in New York City.

Shout out. So I dated this guy who's like, he had some weird fetishes. He wanted me to do some weird stuff. Anyways, one of his fetishes, like, he was, like, super into girls that get squirt. And I was like, you know, you're with somebody that you like, and you want to, like, try out the stuff that they're into. Of course. Like, but I don't do this.

So, like, I never do this. Like, physically can't. Like, like, how I can't do the, like, tongue roll? Yeah, like that. Like, my body just doesn't do it. So I'm like, how can I figure out how to do this? So I sat one afternoon with the wiki-how on my lap about how to squirt. I'm like one step by step and tried to learn how to squirt.

You did not. I'm an amazing girlfriend. Did you do it? No. It's just like a thing that you, like either your body does it or it doesn't, I think. I, again, I'm going to politely disagree. I have heard that there are people that go to sex parties that aren't very good sexually, but this one particular guy would literally just make people squirt and people would come to him.

And like notoriously, he couldn't, you know, I'd never squire as her. He would just sit at and wouldn't? A squirt whisper? Wouldn't? No penetration on nothing. He just used his hands and made them squirt. Yeah. What's his number or name or?

Yeah, Dr. Ding Dong. I don't know. Can we get him on the podcast or? Well, you have to go to an underground sex party. It's like beer fast. You have to like follow all of these steps to get to Dr. Squirt. Well, I can't squirt. I tried.

I, I wiki-howed. You wiki-howed. Oh, my God. There is, really, you can learn anything on Wikipedia. You sure can. Step-by-step to squirting. Well, good on you for, that's a great girlfriend. move.

Everyone should learn from that. I love it. At the end of us, you guys are like, good for you. Rainbow's. Good for you, Ryan. You would try the same thing. I feel like if somebody you were dating, like, wanted you to like, has anybody really tested your boundaries?

Not that this is like a crazy boundary, but like, has any girl ever said you, like, I want you to do, I want to fuck you in the ass. That's exactly what I thought of. I needed a girl who was like, can I pay you? And I was like, no. She's like, why not? I was like, I'm not going to, no. Some people were, I mean, it's.

Hey, God bless the people that know what they like. and can do it. I'm like, yo, get off as early and often. Like, if you have the bravery to say what you want and someone's going to shame you out of that shit, fuck them. Like, I got time for you. Get your boring ass out of here. Go fucking starfish for somebody else. If you want to get fucked in the ass as a guy with a fucking cucumber and a glove, God bless you, man.

Like, if that's what get you off, cool. I don't know what ads you were served when you were on porn up, but cool. Some people are really into that. It's a big market. I'm not into it, just to clear the other thing that I want. She's winking at us while she says that. That's really. I'll try anything once.

I think that women, more so than men, define great sex as, like, the feeling and the story that goes with it. I think a lot of women that are into, like, BDSM and stuff like that, it's not that they get off on the pain. It's it, they get off on the story that's built around what's going on. Right. It's mental. It's so mental. And that's a thing. Like, I feel like, like I said, recently, it's been like I just, this whole dirty talk stuff is, like, really what gets me going.

Like, I don't know how I'm ever supposed to go back. like a non-talker, you know? Oh, God, it's on top. Because I don't know how you, if a guy doesn't, if he's never really talked, like, how do you start? It's like a friend's episode about that. I got to tell you, I'm not a big talker.

So, like, I don't think we'd have terrible sex. I, I reflect. So, like, if you're talking, I'll talk, but I ain't going to initiate that shit because guys sound stupid is, like, they just sound stupid saying some stuff. Yeah, I get it. Wait, what? Why are you going to,

Will Smith? Like, why? I don't need you to be like a black rapper while you're talking to me. Yeah. No, I do. Kit cat. I do. No, you're right. You're right. Well, the last guy's love with just was like, he just had it down pat. But like, yeah, I guess for me, there's a middle ground. I just hate like dead silence.

I agree. Same. Yeah, because then you have, there's no indication of what, if you're doing is what's not. And like I will start it. Yeah. And I, a guy that I used to have sex with, like, I feel like I kind of initiated it. And then he got a little bit more into it. And then we just had like a great rapport. Are you at liberty to say what line you use a lot? I'm thinking of stuff that, like, I really like. And it's just, I don't think of last. I feel like people have the same thing. Yeah, I mean, I will say, I'll always, like, you know, I'll always tell a guy if I'm wet or whatever.

And I, I mean, I think guys, like, just love to hear anything about their dick. Like, I'm... Oh, yeah, I'll agree with that. Yeah, like, I... Not anything, usually good things. Like, I love your dick or, like, I love fucking you or things like that. Yeah. Not like, you could be doing better.

Like, that's not as... Yeah. Like, I just like to hear how, like, hot they think I am. That will... Do you, like, no, truthfully. That's... That's actually... It's the funniest thing you've ever said.

Ever... I'm just going to hear. Well, there you go. Now everyone has the keys in the kingdom. Just be like, yo, Ash, you fine as hell. Oh, take me! Right. It's like dying.

Talk about me, my good quality. Just tell me I'm smart. Tell me how funny I am. I will tell you this. Since we're talking about the topic, I'd slept with one person, like my high school boyfriend. I lost my junior when I was 18. And then this was freshman year in college.

We had broken up. but so this is a second person I ever slept with, and this is in Panama City Beach on spring break. Oh yeah. And I go home with this guy, and I'm like, you know, I'd broken up with the guy that I'd lost my virginity to. I'm like,

I'm going to get fucked. You know, like, it's spring break. This is what we're supposed to do. So I go back to this guy's hotel room. And like, I don't have sex with one person that really treated me like such a princess.

We definitely didn't do any dirty talk or anything crazy. And I'm having sex with this guy, second guy ever. And he was like, do you like the dick? And I was like, oh, God. And I was like,

oh my God. And I was like, yes, I just was like, I do. I was like, yeah. A few questions, there's only one answer to. It's like, well, I can't be creative. I was like that. Well, yeah, ish. And he said, he said, tell me you like the dick.

And I was like, oh my God. Did you? He was like, tell me like the dick. And I was like, fuck, am I going to have to say this? And I just feel like, I was like, I like the dick. No, like, I was just, that was the second first I ever slept with. You do realize that was the beginning, right? He poisoned the well.

And that moment you were like, I don't know if I like the dick. Right. Now every guy you're like, yo, tell me, tell me, I tell you I like that dick. This is why Ross never even starts. He's like, I don't even start saying this stuff to girls. I can't be responsible. No, I think thank you to that guy, but I was 19. Yeah, it was Barry Beach.

His name was Paul. What a good guy, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Such a good, like, normal looking guy, but man, did he fuck when it came time? That guy fucks. He does. Paul really fucks. That guy fucks.

Okay. I want to just quickly segue, because I know you have to go soon. Don't worry about me. longest episode ever. I don't care. It's like my favorite. Are you? I'm having a great time.

People love coming in this room because it's all about them. People love coming. People love coming in general. That was a lamb fucking slam dog. We just fisted each other. All right. Guys, if you're going to fist each other, at least include me. Okay, we play a game with people every single week.

We design a game around somebody. That's why I couldn't go out last night. I had to stay home and write your game. Is it called Who's in My Mouth? No, that was just a game I played last night by me. myself. Okay, carry on. So, this week we're going to play Would You Rather? Great game. We're just going to lob some stuff at you. Here we go. This is all about you. That's my favorite segment. Do you want to kick it off? Oh, God. It's funny, I did some Would You Rathers and you've

actually answered like half of them already because this was such a disgusting conversation today. I'll just be honest. I was like, I party so hard in Nashville. I didn't come up with any. So Raina just going to carry this. If I have one, I'll say it, but I'm just going to let her take it away. Okay, so I'm out here on my own. That's fine. All right. Would you rather have dirty talk with a person with a super annoying voice, like really annoying, or have sex in total silence?

Let's think of, like, the most annoying voice. Oh, I already got it in my, I'm just like a, oh, you want to think? Why, you'd be like an old Asian lady? Like a half big time. We'll just take a helium. Actually, when now you say it that way, I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with someone with an annoying voice. Me too. Yeah.

Yeah, big time. I really need to hear you're a dirty slut. I'm actually, like, doesn't care what you sound like. As much as I keep talking about this dirty talk thing, I don't, I could knock it off with somebody with an annoying voice. Voices, like drive me crazy. Like, I had a yoga instructor a couple weeks ago that I hated a voice so much. I almost walked out.

Like, I can't, I couldn't deal with it. It would be like, not like nails on a chalkboard. Wow. I might be able to, in silence, I could at least, like, kind of say some things to myself. I had sex with a girl one time, and she, actually, I mentioned in the book, she laughed when she'd orgasm, uncontrollably. And I learned this wasn't, this wasn't uncommon, like, not uncommon. She told me beforehand, she's like, just so you know, uh, I laugh uncontrollably when I orgasm.

And I thought she was joking. Oh, she told you. She gave me a heads up. She gave me the heads up. And like, like, uncontrolled, like, I, I, I started laughing. This is amazing. It's hilarious. I don't know what this medical condition is.

But she, you know, she was on top and she's like, she's like, I'm coming with a. Like, if someone could have filmed my face in that moment, because I was like, this girl's fucking with me big time. Like, big time. But she was not. Okay. Let me ask you this. Did she laugh a lot in life?

I wouldn't qualify her as someone who just lasts at everything. Which is funny. What if she was just like never laughed? Never laughed. Just like a grim, like a goth. You know, like a Pantera groupie. And then all of a sudden you just, that's how you got to make her laugh. Wait, and then you start.

Like, that is kind of my perfect relationship to. Yeah. Because I love to laugh. I mean, I used to be laughed that in bed. But after an orgasm was completely new experience. for me. Next, would you rather? Would you rather break your dick again or break both of your arms? I'd break both my arms.

You would. 100%. Would you rather break your dick again or get audited by the U.S. government? Get audited by the U.S. government. This is a very easy. Would you rather? I don't wish this upon my worst. Both of your arms, though. You can't wipe your ass. Yo, fuck it. I can still get off. Like, I could probably masturbate with my elbows. Okay. Like, I kind of might be underscoring how terrible this was.

God, okay. Like, I will take an arm break any day. I'd break my own arm. Okay, no more of those. We know the answer to all of them. Would you rather find out. I recycled one from last time because it was so good. Would you rather finding out that the last person you had sex with was a long-lost cousin

or a serial killer? Ooh, is my favorite one. Oh. It's a thinker, right? That is a thinker. I'm going to say, like, what are we talking about first cousin, second cousin, and where are we sitting here? What did we decide again?

Long lost first cousin. That's what we decided. I'm saying long lost first, but you didn't know it was your first cousin. Like you have no connection to this person at all. But it is your first. So wait, would I rather have sex with the person?

With your long lost first cousin? After knowing. No, no, no. You didn't know what you found out after both scenarios. Ooh, I'd go with the murderer. Why? So I could be like, I murdered that ass. Like, there are so many lines in there.

No, us too. Us too. It's a better story. Yeah, it's a better. And you know that she's going to be saying something. Crazy stuff in bad, right? She's like, I'm going to slit your throat tonight, bitch. I'd be like, yeah, girl, let's get it.

That is, like, the best response to, like, a near-death experience. Like, have you ever had a near-death experience? You're like, yeah, I fucked the serial killer. Yeah, hell yeah. She choked me and I was like, stop it, and she didn't. And I was like, no, seriously. And I'm dead now. And I'm dead now.

And I'm fucking ghosts. Full circle. Wow. Who knew Casper would be such an integral part of this? I don't know the ghost joke because I wasn't on the text chain. Ugh, awkward. There's no text chain to be heard. I'll text for you guys texting.

That's true. Would you rather fart while somebody is giving you a blowjob? Oh my God. Ever not funny. No, I don't care how old you are. Would you rather fart? Audibly fart.

Thank you. A trumpet. No, no SPDs. A full-blown marching band. You guys really gave each other the look. You like knew. This is a great one. Or vomit while you were making out with somebody.

I'd fart the fuck out of a blowjob. Right, that's your problem, right? That's the girl's problem. That's just funny. And what's funny about that is you'd be like, you know, what's she going to do about it? Is she going to keep going? She's going to get you back.

That's the girlfriend of a friend of mine. If they keep going. This happened to my friend, Karen. Guy farted while she was blowing him. And she was like, for real bitch. And she waited until he went down on her next. And she got him back. That's amazing.

First of all, being able to fart on command like that is actually kind of I think she probably would like held it in. Yeah, she was like, let me get someone is Goya real quick. She probably was like, we're going to go out for a Mexican. Mexican tonight. And then if you could go down on me. Wow. Yeah, she's savage. That's actually, that's way to go, Karen. Yeah, nice work, Karen. That's great for you, Karen. Good for you Karen. May you're blessed with some more followers this week. Okay. You want to throw anything else in here? I'm good. Great.

All right. Well, how was your experience on the show? I had a great experience. You did? Yeah. I'm... This has set the bar for me. I thank you. This was incredible. I think that... And we got gifts? And you got gifts. Oh, yeah. You're going to be our favorite guests for a while. Go out, buy his book guy. Where do you want people to get it? Amazon. You can just go to broken banana.com with an age at the end, but basically if you just search Amazon

or harass the New York Times to put it on their best sell list again, it'd be really great. It's a fun read. People have a great time laughing. We need to fucking laugh. And what better thing to laugh about than my tiny penis. Yeah, boom. Then you said tiny.

I didn't say tiny. Don't put words in my mouth. Thanks for listening so much, guys. We are coming to you from mouth media, powered by Senheiser. We're so glad to be here. Yeah, we are. Thank you guys for tuning in.

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Have a good week. Bye. Bye. Bye.