Girls Gotta Eat - The Importance of Having a Hoe Phase feat. Matchmaker Maria

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

We are welcoming back a GGE fave, Matchmaker Maria, and she's serving up that spicy advice. We're discussing the definition of and importance of having a hoe phase (no matter your age), how to have a successful hoe phase, how to recognize someone in their hoe phase, and dealing with judgement from others or your own guilt while you're hoe'ing. Maria also gets real about unfulfilled desires in a marriage/after having children and how to address them with your partner and mend a struggling sex life, plus gives candid answers to dating questions like "How do I tell him to go down on me?" and "How many dates do you give it to see if there's a spark?" Before Maria joins us, we talk about bombing a joke while flirting, car knowledge, and what shows we've been watching. Enjoy! Follow Maria on Instagram @MatchmakerMaria and check out her podcast Ask a Matchmaker. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Milkbar: Get $10 off an order of $50+ by going to milkbarstore.com/gge. The Pill Club: Become a patient at thepillclub.com/gge and they will make a $10 donation to Bedsider.org. Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/gge. Calm: For a limited time, get 40% off a premium subscription at calm.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So I don't believe that you can have too much dick. Like, I don't... There she is. Not even. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back, November 1. Oh, my God. You love this month.

I do. I love... Actually, November 2019 was not my month. It was a bad one. 2019? Two years ago, I had a bad month. It was so bad. Rina!

Two years ago, I just, which honestly, in the grand scheme of things, like, it was still free COVID, so it couldn't have been that bad. You and I had a fight. I was upset. I was, like, going through a weird, like, ghosting situation. Um, and I was having that weird apartment situation. It was a bad month. And I remember.

And my dad had that fake stroke. Oh. I, for one, was having a great time. Actually can't tell people enough that 2019 was the best year of her life. September. September. Yeah. September.

2019 to, I don't know, March 8th, 2020, like right before COVID were the best time in my life. I mean, now feels great. I always feel like your life should work like you, it always keeps getting better unless there's a pandemic involved. But I always think of like my life. Unless there's a pandemic involved. Right. Like you can't be like 2020 was better than 2019. It wasn't. But I feel like that when I moved into my new apartment, my life's like changed for the better. I look at it as very like, I'm big on like when you move. It's like a definitive change in your life. You don't have to I have many types for a long time. I hate the people that write on Instagram.

They're like, I know the 2020 was rough, but it was the best year of my life. And they're always talking about how they moved in with their partner or they got married. I feel like it was real. I feel like it's an insensitive thing to write. 2020 was the best year of my life. Shut up.

I mean, listen, if you are a CEO at Zoom, you can say it. More than that, don't be out here telling people. It really worked out for some people. If you work at Peloton. Peloton or Zoom or postmates. We don't, we're not trying. Everyone's life was ruined. I'm trying to hear that.

Okay, let's think some of our partners. Right, keep it to yourself. Do you know what I mean? We saw you got engaged, okay? Do you have to write? Like, I know everyone else had the worst year or their life, but I have the best one. All these people died.

Yes, people lost family. I had a great time. I married my best friend. Somehow it was the best year of our lives. Shut up. I didn't know. I didn't, I didn't tell you that for a long time. Okay.

Raina's been, she's just living in the past this episode, you guys. She's like 2019, November was really hard of me. And I want to come out as. expressing my hardship. It was the hardest quarter of my life and you can't say it up as the best quarter of your life. You know, I got to tell you. What? Last year.

Last year. Oh my God. In 2019. Raina's like, you know what? In 2014, this thing happened and I've been meaning to talk about it. In 2020, November. Oh, my God. I sent the biggest box of milk bar treats to my ex who doesn't have a family because it felt

bad he was spending Thanksgiving alone. I don't think ever. Oh my God. You mean your ex who called you at 1 p.m. on Monday? He's trying to get back in there. I swear he was calling you back, if you will, not admit it. I showed you the phone. You know that I break down from a line one second,

and I showed you the last time I texted him and what I said. No, you did it. And that was it. I read it to you. I'll show it to you. You know I need to see receipts. It was our anniversary. Did he like it?

Yeah, he loved it. Like he likes sweets? Yeah, he's like a huge sweets person. Like one of our first dates in Charleston, we went to a dessert bar. Okay. One o'clock in the morning was really fun. I feel like guys liking sweets is more rare. I think it's cute.

I don't think he's cute. I hate him. But like I feel like it's more of it's women or notoriously have a sweet tooth. You know what I mean? But like I think it's cute when guys like Francis is like a dessert. We'll be out with him. He orders like a Sunday or like cookies. We were in Austin with him and he just blacked on the entire buffet of sweets.

He's like, I ate four cookies and, like, put two in his pocket. You know, like, there's, I feel like it's such a, it just feels like a more female trait. Like, guys are like I'm not really into sweets. Like they are maybe more savory or they just fucking drink beer. I don't know. I agree. Well, he drinks a lot also, but yeah, he's a big sweets person because he doesn't have a family. I sent him a holiday package from Milk Bar.

Milk Bar is a substitute for a family. We'll talk about it later. Okay. I'm going to make this quick. We're going to be in Cancun this week. with you guys who are going to JFL escaped. We cannot wait to see you and party with you on the beach, at the pool, whatever. And our show is going to be Saturday at 2 p.m.

That's what we've been told. It's going to be like a pool side daytime show. It's going to be crazy. We think, we hope. We have a lot of fun stuff planned. And then stay tuned on all of our Instagram accounts. We'll post mostly on Girls Got to eat if we're doing other stuff that you guys can come to. I know Friday night we're doing this comedy jam thing where we're going to sing a song.

So come out to that. that'll be like later on Friday night. And just stay tuned on Girls Gotty Podcast on Instagram. We'll post where we're going to be. If we do anything else, you guys can come hang. If you're coming, email us this week, please, Stories at GirlsGottypodcast.com. Tell us what your story is. Tell us who you're coming with.

If you're coming as a couple, you're coming as a girl group, you're coming solo, spill the tea, whatever. We want to know who's there, know what you guys have going on. We can incorporate that into the show and everything else. So other than that, fall break, baby, in Cancun. We can't wait to see you guys. We are so excited. Okay.

It's been bubbling up inside of my body. We are announcing new live show dates. Yeah, sorry. I was supposed to jump in there. Okay, guys, these aren't on sale yet because like we said, we want to do things a little more normal and give you guys a heads up. So you're not scrambling to get tickets and you can prepare and you can get all excited and know when these tickets are coming out. We are coming to D.C. on February 12th, Valentine's show.

Maybe we'll see. We'll see. San Francisco on February 18th, L.A. The next night on February 19th, San Diego on February 23rd, Portland, March 31st, Seattle, April 1st, Vancouver, April 2nd. And that's all we have right now.

Tickets will be on sale in one week on the 8th. Yes. If you, so a couple housekeeping things, if you guys had tickets previously, I think Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. Yeah. Tickets will transfer as long as it's the same venue, it is. So I know Portland specifically a lot of people held their tickets. So they will all transfer

if you had tickets prior. If you guys have questions ever about anything about waitless, I can't use my tickets, is there a place to sell them? Will my tickets transfer? Just contact the venue. Ashley and I have no control over ticketing whatsoever. San Francisco, the venue changed. So people should be getting refunded and then they have to rebuy the tickets. So I want to make that very clear. We tried, but we are not going to be at the same venue that we were. We're at the Masonic. It's going to be insane. And like I said, you should have already gotten your refund for the previous show. If not, contact your point of purchase or the venue. But we're just so excited about all these venues and all these cities, some of our favorite cities. And we'll be announcing more soon. And I just want to say to all my Pittsburgh girls is top of mind. We are working on it. We will be there. Hopefully early spring. But we will absolutely, absolutely be in Pittsburgh. You know, I love you. And it is such a priority to us. So we are working on some other stuff. But right now, just those seven shows. And you'll be able to get tickets next week. Yeah. Also, new merch is coming probably on November 15th.

We'll let you guys know. It's a journey. We'll keep you abreast of the journey about holiday ordering deadlines. We'll let you know exactly like the last dates to order, but we'll have limited quantity is on a lot of stuff, so it's never too soon to order. The mail in 2020 couldn't have been a bigger disaster. So I'm not saying that's going to happen this year,

but get on top of holiday ordering. It is as early as possible. Another thing I just want to thank all you guys who donated to the Animal Life House Rescue fundraiser we did, you still can donate at alRcares.com slash save the dogs. I think we raised upwards of like $20,000, which of course they could still use more. They really, you know, rely on the generosity of people like us. But Azul thanks you and I thank you and Dr. Lisa and everybody over at Animal Lighthouse Rescue. I talked about this two weeks ago. And it just is like such a cause close to my heart. It's the rescue that Azul came from and they are struggling right now. So thank you guys

so much for donated. I just wanted to say that. You guys have always. always been so supportive of the charities that we support and we can't think you guys enough for just trusting that we pick really great people to align ourselves with. Yeah. So thank you always for supporting us. Okay, we have such a good episode today. We have Maria is back. Matchmaker Maria. We're going to get into it with her. But we kind of a funny thing that happened that we wanted to talk about that gave us a good laugh the other day. Well, Ashley was like making fun of me. Like I So the very short backstory on this is this guy, like, message me, which, like, I don't know. He also messaged Ashley.

We're not sure if he's into one of us. But I'm not, like, really trying to date at all. I don't know. He's cute, but he's cute, successful. He's a good-looking guy. Yeah. Nothing bad to say about it. But anyways, he messaged me, and we were, like, flirting, I guess.

I thought I was flirting. And he said that he was going to be in Austin for a little bit. And I was, like, trying to be, like, funny. I was like, oh, I have like Rex for Austin. If you guys need anything, Ashley and I were just in Austin. We love it there. And he was like, no, I'm like, all set. Like, I actually, I'm going to go to like a Formula One race tomorrow.

And so I actually did have the foresight to Google it really quickly and look at photos of Formula One racing. And I was just like, I foresee a lot of MAGA hats in your future. And he just stopped responding to me. And Raina told me this in a way of like, is that a funny joke? And I just looked at her like straight-faced. I was like, people aren't wearing, I mean, maybe there's a Trumpster here. there, but it's like not NASCAR. You were thinking it was NASCAR. Well, I also like, yes, I thought it was NASCAR because I went to college in the Midwest and Indiana. So like a lot of

NASCAR stuff over there. But you were like, that's what happens in like Monaco. You said Monaco. I almost fell off my seat. I was like, the main Formula One race, they shut down the streets of Monaco. Have you heard of it? The most expensive place in the world. It's like one of the fanciest sports. I just love that like my first attempt out of the, like, flirting out of the gate. Like I bombed it so hard. You bombed a joke? I bombed. I bombed this text exchange and he just stopped responding to me. Like, I don't even know if NASCAR fans know what Formula One is. Like, they're probably like, that's for them a liberal leeks.

Like, you know what? That's from the Europeans. Also, you, like, you are so surprising because you actually, like, know a lot about this stuff, which I always forget. Well, my dad used to race. My dad race sports cars, like amateur. Like, it was a hobby. But he was really great.

And a lot of my childhood, like, our vacations, we would, like, go to the racetrack. I didn't go as much. My brother went a lot. Like sometimes my dad, my brother would just go. But yeah, I mean, it's funny because I just know them. And when I see an Uber and it says the make of the car, I know exactly what I'm looking for. And you don't. Ashley, that's Ashley's job with the podcast?

I do know your dad, like, raised. And like, is that why you think like every time we pull up to your house, literally every time he's just rolling around on his lawnmower, just relive in his glory days? Like, every time I pull up to your parents house, your dad is on that thing, just rolling around. The bad boy? Yeah. He has this insane lawnmower that says bad boy in the back. and he'll do like, he'll do like, wheelies. No, not wheelies.

Don't us. Doughts. Dutts. It's such, like, a funny, like, deep cut about you that you're such a car person. Like, I always called the Uber's, but Ashley has to find the Ubers. But I have a shitty car, but I'm also a sentimental person. I love your car, though. Like, it's so old.

You know, cars have changed drastically from O3, and it's an O3 Nissan Xera. And I was in the car with this guy. It's like a guy friend. We've, we're kind of flirty. And we were driving back from the Hamptons. And he goes, it's really. loud in here. Like, it's so loud. Like, when that car is going 80 on the freeway, it's, you can't hear the music. It is a privilege, okay, to be in the hottest car of the early

aughts, okay? A privilege. I know, but like, you know how old cars these days? You don't even hear them turn on. You don't like, you hear them like, drop. Some of them don't make a sound under, like, what, like 40 miles an hour? They don't make any sound. And you get in the car, you got to turn the radio up all the way, the radio. You got to turn the ox cord up all the way because you can't really hear it over the car. Whatever. It is a privilege to be in that car. Oh, it's amazing.

It's a tank. They don't make them like they used to. Yeah, she told me I could take it once at my own risk. And then I decided to pay for my own rental car for the vacation that I also paid for the person I was dating. But it's very funny. I'm trying to think of a comparable thing where, like, you think you're making like a funny joke and you just missed the mark completely.

And then what are you supposed to do? The person just seized themselves out of the conversation, too. He's left a conversation. I mean, I don't actually like, I mean, it was pretty like a platonic exchange. It wasn't even like flirty. But like to just bomb so hard in somebody's text thread and to have your friend have to explain to you that you bombed is so funny.

There might be some like redneck Formula One fans, but I don't really. In Texas, I, the only like saving grace would be that it's Texas. And I just think there's a lot of like MAGA hats in Texas. So a lot of the drivers are hot. If you guys want somebody to masturbate to, Lewis Hamilton, do you know what this is? He's this really hot Formula One driver. Here's some photos. Oh my God, he is 25 million.

Oh, he's, oh, that guy, okay. He's hot. Lewis Hamilton, I mean, they're hot, you know. Like, it's a hot sport. 25 million followers? Yes. And speaking of hot guys with followers, I was just DMing with Mike Johnson,

our guests from last week, if anyone cares. I care. I mean, if anyone cares, I care. Listen, guys, just manifest it for me. I'm manifesting it every day. I feel like that'd be the perfect person for you. I think so, too. I really want it for you.

Right? Can someone start a rumor? Like a tip to, like, TMZ that we're dating? And then it'll just happen. Yes. You guys can co-confirment. We can be like, oh my God. We are just friends, but then we like... Then I'm like, Mike, I really think we need to get together in person to discuss this rumor.

Get ahead of this. Together. To get ahead of it. We can release a joint statement together as an emerging couple. Yeah, like Mike, the rumors are really spiraling out of control. I think you need to fly here and we need to discuss this in person. I would love to meet him in person. If you guys go on a date, I'm going to call.

In a hotel room. Can I come? Okay, we have some wrecks for you guys. Just going to keep them short. No real hot takes here. Well, okay, you can start. No real hot take. I have one hot take.

Curb your enthusiasm started last night on HBO. It's one of our favorite shows in the 11th season, so not a hot take. You season three, I'm really enjoying it. I had to like hard exit out of U season two. I just, if you guys haven't seen it, this isn't like a, I mean, it is a spoiler. I don't like any content about children being abused or like girls being assaulted. I can't watch it. And I don't really like Christalia.

And I guess my intuitions were right. That was a lot of this season two. So I had to exit season two. But season three, I am enjoying. He, Joe marries the girl he was dating in season two. And she's also a murderer. That's the twist. They're a murderous couple and they have a baby.

I don't watch this, by the way, guys. But I saw the trailer for season three and it looked crazy. It's crazy. I mean, they're a murderous couple now. So it's pretty good. And then I just, I want to say, I started reading, Dr. Romney Dervasala's book. She was on our episode about narcissism.

It's called Should I Stay or Should I Go? And I'm really enjoying it. It's really interesting. She's a lot of examples from couples and just sort of like I think that if you feel like I'm dating a narcissist or like how do I get in the situation, there's just like a lot of real world examples where you're like this happens to a lot of people

and it's like a normal natural thing that it might happen to you. And to like not beat yourself up so much. So I think it's a great book. I would really recommend it. I'm enjoying it. Yeah. You guys love the episode so much.

So there's more. where that came from, read her book. Insecure, Season 5 has begun last season. I'm so sad. They released one episode a week, and I just, even though they're like 30 minutes, 25 minutes, I watch it every week. So I watched at this point only the first one. And I loved it.

And it's one of my favorite shows of all time. And if you guys haven't seen it, how fucking lucky are you? You get to binge four seasons. I'm jealous about it. If you guys have been listening to the podcast for those four years, you know that. I think that's the original show that Ashley said. I mean she had watched.

And I had never seen. I was like, we have to watch everything the same now. And like I turned on to it because of you like four years ago. And that's like the original show that happened with. Oh my God. And I love it. I'm such a fan. It's such a good show.

Maybe we'll get Easter a in the show one day. Issa if you're listening, let us know. Please know. She's definitely not. But if anybody knows her. Or all the men on the show. And such a huge announcement. What is happening?

Is the Scream remake. So January 14th, 2020, you know where I'll be. I was messaging with somebody. I was like, I'll buy tickets today. Like, I'll buy 20 tickets. I cannot wait. It has so much of, you know, guys know I love Scream.

I think it's a perfect movie. And they're remaking it. And it looks really good, a lot of the same characters. So Nev Campbell, Courtney Cox, and they're tying everything back in. Like, I like remakes when they do bring back the original cast. We talked about this. Like, he's all that. She's all that.

So Scream, January, watch off work. Go watch the trailer. The trailer I wasn't ready for. My brother sent it to me and I was like, what? And if you guys are like 22 and you're like, what's scream? It's the greatest horror movie of all time. It's what I watched every weekend growing up. It's incredible.

We were, the three of us, because Bella's seen it. We were talking about how hard scream goes in the beginning. The way that movie starts, no movie has ever started harder. They come in so hot. The phone rings, like, within minutes. She was murdered. And also, you were like... And her boyfriend was hanging on the lawn from a rope.

It was crazy. But also, you were like, damn, Drew Barrymoreson, this. Because she was, like, the hottest actress of our time. And you were like, oh, she's going to be a main character. And then she dies within minutes. People in the theater were screaming. I just feel like people in our age that got to go see those movies in the theater back in the day when things were so different, there was no streaming.

You went opening night. The theaters were packed. People were acting wild. It was the golden days. And then I watched it every single weekend for years. I loved it. So a hot take, scream one. Screw one.

There's your wreck and the screen remake. Okay, guys. We are very excited to welcome back a guest today. She is the founder of the highly of the highly of. acclaimed Agapi match, which is a matchmaking service. She is over a decade of experience coupled with four generations of family matchmaking traditions. She relies on modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional

clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. She and her company have been featured in press worldwide, including the New York Times, CNN, Esquire, and this podcast. Girls are we on there? Yeah, I didn't know. That wasn't on your website. She's the host of Ask a Matchmaker podcast. please welcome back to the show Matchmaker Maria.

Hello ladies. Hello. We are so glad to have you back and we wanted to, but then you DM'd me like three days ago and you were like, I'd love to come back on and talk about a ho face. I was like, say less. I was like, Bella, schedule Maria this week. Like, it was literally days ago.

Like, were you thinking like, wow, that was easy? My staff was asked me this morning during a team meeting. They're like, so did you reach out to them? I go, yeah? And they're like, okay, one of you was recording. I go, I'm literally on the way. way there. Wait, wait, wait, we need to prepare for this.

And I'm like, we're on tour. You were so busy. Meanwhile, other podcasts were like, I want to talk about Ho-Faze. And I go, I'm already booked. Yeah, I'm booked. Oh, my God. We got the exclusive Maria's Ho-Fase. Well, I got to tell you, so you were on this podcast exactly three years ago.

It was October 22nd, 2018. That was so crazy. And since then, the amount of times that Ashley has said to me, Maria is so spicy. I don't know. Maria, do you feel like you've changed or did you just not show us your real personality? then because you were wonderful then but like I swear you the stuff you say on Instagram maybe you have an Instagram persona is just so spicy thank you first of all

I've always been like that you know that was look the first time I met you for like three years ago that was our first date I can't true I mean I didn't want to fuck on the first day yeah exactly and also I like to have the contrast I mean even I know people can't see me right now but even right now I am dressed as a step for life I'm wearing a pink cardigan jean and like a leopard flat. We're all in pink. We really matched today. So, you know, I have always been this spicy.

Okay. So you have this matchmaking company, which is how we originally found you. Ashley and I were like, we want to have a matchmaker on, and we searched a bunch of different lists and your company kept coming up again and again, which is how we found you.

So we want to talk about the matchmaking business and how it's changed during COVID, and then we're going to get into the hoe phase, and this is a ho phase episode. We're just so excited. I don't know if it's ever been this excited. I know. I was like, Ashley, I'm putting topics together. I'm so excited. Waina never DMs me. And she DM'd me two days and she's like, I can't wait to talk about

ho-face. And I'm like, oh, Rayna's about to end her second. Yeah, I've had a bunch of them. Well, I mean, I think that people get, your mid-life ho-face. Yes, you can. Have a mid-30s ho-face. Yes, you can. I'm about to. Watch me. I just coached a 52-year-old woman this morning about her ho-face. I love that. You can do it. The reason why we're so excited about is I think that people, like, they get these ho-faceseses, people shame them. People always think, like, what's wrong with me, Why am I not in a serious relationship? Or like, oh, my God, I've been with the same person through my entire 20s or 30s, and I feel like I missed the boat.

So, like, I just, we'll just make people go about her. Okay, well, Raina, you're getting ahead of yourself. I'm sorry, guys. I'm so excited. She's so excited. Why don't we talk about how your business has changed during COVID and, like, where it stands now, some of the stuff you just told us before we hit record, but we'd love for you to tell the listeners.

So I started my business 13 years ago. I didn't think I was going to become a matchmaker. I know I've said this even probably previously on your podcast, but I thought I was going to be going to the Foreign Service. But then random people just started giving me their money, set me up with people because I'm a very good connector. And I use my extra version as a superpower. So, you know, there you go. In the last 13 years, things have fundamentally shifted.

I mean, I remember how much my business changed when Tinder came out. Everything just shifted. Not only in matchmaking, but even in the online dating industry, I feel like something like 60% of online dating sites just collapsed within five months. Sites that you've never even heard of, just these like smaller things that existed. locally, and they had fallen. And there was a period of time there where we're like, we're nervous. But then after a while, like maybe six months later, we started to see the dating fatigue. And it's like, oh, you know, I can't do this.

I need to hire someone else. And then suddenly we started getting people coming in that were not typical matchmaking clients at that time. At that time, it was mostly doctors and lawyers and professors and celebrities and politicians like people who probably can't do online dating now. with dating fatigue, especially during COVID, it's become like a privilege to do matchmaking for people on 30 to 45. Maybe those weren't our typical clients, you know, five, six years ago.

Now that is 90% of my clientele is 30 to 45. I have two 65 year olds. So any women in their 50s listening, I need you to contact me right away. But all of my clients are 30 to 45 and they want to get married and they want to have kids. Like that's usually, I mean, I always have like 10% of my clients who don't want marriage, who don't want children, but they don't know how to do that. that online. They feel like, oh, how am I going to meet women who, you know, are between the ages of 30 and 35 and already know they don't want kids? Right here. Yeah, let's talk later.

So they, so they'll contact us and, you know, I know how to have those conversations. I know how to collect that data. And for a gopi match, that's the surface that we're already playing on. And then with COVID, you know, things shifted dramatically for every business, not just matchmaking. But of course, you know, I've set up 4,000 first dates, my entire livelihood. is you going out on a date. And when that stopped for a while and I'm setting up, we set up 300 Zoom dates in 2020. And 200 of those then met in person at Central Park West.

Yeah. We had like a spot. That's where people would go. So that's how we did it. But then in October 2020, things went right back to normal. Like suddenly it's like a shift. And then once people started getting vaccinated, right now October 2021,

things are like pre-COVID. And if not better for us as a business, because, as I mentioned before, that dating fatigue thing, that's real. And people are coming to us like, I'm done swiping. You do it. Yeah. Can you remind us, and I don't remember from the last we spoke, are all of your clients, men and the new women in a database are men and women both paying for the service? I forget if women come to you and pay for the service. So there's two types of memberships. For matchmaking specifically, we only take men as clients and women are free in the database. We do have some exceptions. Sometimes we'll take on a female. It really has to

have all the stars online. I don't ever want to take on someone I can't set up. That just makes it hard and it has to do with like my access to people. Although, you know, we do have a female who was our client in January 2020 and she just sent me a photo of her pregnant. She's due in December. So I'm like, oh, got you. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that was really cool. So you don't have as many men in the database is what you're saying. That's why it's harder. Right. Because we only take male clients. So I'm not sitting there like trying to recruit men in. Now for women, we have a coaching program which has the same success rate for male matchmaking, 80 to 90 percent and that coaching program is three to four months long and you know there's a way to kind of

experience it that's called the agopi intensive that's like a three-day boot camp but you could do the dating refresh which is our four-month program and that helps our women into getting into relationships and then you know it just depends I know this is very heteronormative how I'm speaking right now but you know it just depends on who comes in now if someone comes in if a woman came in wants to be a matchmaking client if I'm not the right matchmaker because we always evaluate any woman who comes in who wants to be a matchmaking client, we want to see, hey, can we take you on? If we can't, we will refer her to the right matchmaker who can. Same with a man, right?

I can't take on every man that comes in. I'm not the right matchmaker for some men. Well, Rayna? Can we talk about hofaces? Let's talk about hofaces. So my first hofazes was the summer. I was 19. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I mean, I do want to like talk about it. Because you, like, you said that you don't even have to be sleeping around and being a hofay. I mean, some people just like go on, this girl at our show said she went on 80 days. this year. And it was amazing. Have we had 80 dates in 2021? I mean, I haven't had 80 dates my whole life. No, no, it was 2020?

What day are we in? She said in the last year, she had 80 dates. In the last like calendar year maybe, but she showed us the list. It was impressive. Yeah, and I think some people would look at and be like, that's crazy. You're like boy crazy. I thought it was amazing and wonderful and cool and smart. Like, why would you not apply the same?

We say this. Why would you not apply the same care and attention to finding a match? If that's what you really want, then you would define the perfect job? I mean, I've gone through ho-faces. I've been in serious relationships. I'm glad to have had both. I think finding out what I like sexually. We'll talk about the positives later, but I've got to work out what I like sexually. When I like in a partner, a lot more than your average person because I had long periods of being single and fucking everything and I had long periods of being in relationships. Both were great. 19 was my slottiest summer though It always is Yeah that's when I did crack Raina

That's when I like fuck this guy that worked for my dad He got fired I think for me it was 25 Wow you ate a late blakely I mean no I had a I had a hoa fea I think that was my hoeyest Your hoiest holliest Yeah that was that was that

Because I had like I made a sexual bucket list at 25 And I was like All right let's go down this list 25 was when I just started getting into some more Like I used a cockering for the first time I had phone sex for the first time I hadn't done, I had a partner that was just showed me some things, I guess. Before that, I'd had tons of sex, but nothing really, like I had like explored what I was into,

hadn't brought toys into the bedroom. So 24, 25 was, and that was like thanks to the guy who he did cheat on me, but at least he like introduced me at cock rings. But you know what the best part of a, the best part of a ho phase though is that is the curiosity, exploration. Like, you don't have to date this person. Like it's, I think one of the most frustrating things that I see when women date is that. every single person that they talk to is in this prism of, can I date him, can he be my boyfriend? It's like, can you just go out and have fun?

And you can figure all that out later. You know, you don't know if you like this person. They might have some controversial opinions. Yeah. They might just be for her ho phase. Like, you could just, you know, no judgment. Go do that. And you could date other people.

But like, it's constantly this prism of like, I don't want to go on a date with him. He would never be my boyfriend. Okay. Right. It's funny that you said that because I saw a girl on TikTok. She says, she asks guys on the dating apps, what's their most controversial opinion? Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was funny. But I love that attitude.

Or Ashley told me the attitude of like, you never know who you're going to meet. If you go out, like, you might want to be friends with them. I mean, you know more than anybody else that like you just might meet somebody fucking cool. I think what you said before, though, it is an attitude, right? Like, I always try to explain to people like, ho face is not a verb. It's not an adjective. It's not a noun. I'm not calling you a ho. It's a mindset. So much of being in that mindset of Ho-Fase is learning how to communicate what you want without the fear of being judged or shamed and learning more about the kind of person you are in a relationship. And in this case, it's in the physical relationship, which it does connect to the other, you know, the other

parts of compatibility. I think back to like how like even my own ho-faces, like what I learned. And I learned that like, I don't know if I would have met my husband had I not had a Ho-Fase right before I met him. I think the week before I had sex with someone that I don't know if my parents would have approved of. But, you know, it wasn't, I didn't know that about that person. I just went out and had fun and I learned things and, you know, I was able to just express myself the way I wanted. But it also made me realize that, you know, no man is perfect. Like that's what HOFESA should do. They should teach you about people to know, you know, I think sometimes we could put men on this pedestal like, oh, the perfect man he exists.

And I'm going to say no to all these people until I find him. And it's like, well, no, you can learn more about a lot of people and then figure out that this perfect is actually somewhere here for you. And you could be more, you know, in grace for certain things. I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and this is like the coldest of takes.

This isn't like hot take at all. But like just the whole I've slept with enough people. I don't have like regrets of I didn't get around enough. Like I have slept with so many people. Like there's not ever, I'm never going to be like, I didn't fuck enough dudes. Like I've seen every type of dick. Like I've just, I've done a lot. I feel like there's definitely people that they are like engaged and they have this moment of like,

I've slept with two people or like I've slept with three people. Like have I seen what's out there? And sometimes it's fine. But like that's another part of it too. I want to talk to that person specifically. But before we like do that, I just want to say like I think it's mostly a positive thing. The only time I would say like this isn't a positive thing is if you're sleeping with people to fill some void in yourself. And if you're dating because you're like, I don't know anything else going on. Like I don't want to build anything else. You should have hobbies and fun, a person. What do they say?

They should not validate you as a human. It shouldn't value it. A man is not a plan kind of thing. It shouldn't be the only thing that you have and you shouldn't be sleeping around for some kind of validation. If it makes you feel bad, don't do it. I did some of that too. Like I've talked about it before. Some of it was that. I was like a late bloomer so I found myself kind of like feeling like sex

was validating to me because I'd had years of kind of feeling behind the rest of my friends. So like once I lost my virginia and then broke up with that guy when I went to college. I was kind of like went crazy. And I mean, a lot of it was like bad sex. I think we have learned lessons we've learned and everything. But yeah, there's a few that I was like, did I need to do that? To do him. I have those, especially in college. I have a lot of experiences where I just look back and I'm like, I didn't need to do that. Yeah. And I mean, because I did that, I have less experiences today where I feel

like I have to sleep somebody because like I got out of my system. I never feel like on a date. I have to sleep with this person. They won't like me if I don't. I never feel, we've talked about this. I never feel like I'm past the point of no return. If I'm in bed with you, I don't feel like you can't stop. But yeah, I mean, I had plenty of sexual experience I don't need to ever have again. So now I want to talk to the person who's like, am I dating too flippantly? How many people is too many people? Am I going like crazy?

So I don't believe that you can have too much dick. Like I don't. There she is. Maria gets so spicy. Not even like in life, but even in 24 hours. Like sometimes there might be a chance where you sleep with a guy the night before and you guys have that morning sex. Yeah, we've been there.

And then that night you date with someone else and well, okay, some things happen. So I don't think that there's such things too much. I think that there's a sense of your own boundaries of like you feel comfortable sharing with others. A, that's like a big thing. And B, your own safety. So I feel like if you are in Ho face and by the way, hoface, like I said, it's mindset. It has nothing. You know, if there are people that are having hofaces that are not having sex,

They're just mutually masturbating or humping each other or making out with anyone they see. That is a ho phase. I accept that. But at the same time, we have to be safe. We have to have adult conversations. And a ho phase is the perfect time to practice those things. If you are a person who has an STI or an STD and you don't know how to talk about your herpes, do it during ho phase. Go out with a guy and say, I have herpes.

Here's what I do to protect myself. Here's my last SDD check for everything. You can have these conversations. Why do you care if this person bounces? is he is no one to you. This is a ho-face. This is time just to practice talking, practice on your little focus group of ho-phases. You know, think of your heads. That's what I would do is pretend that this man I'm meeting with is a focus group. I love this mindset. Like I love that you just said it's a mindset in general, but of like, fuck that, that doesn't matter.

I'm my ho-face. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then we have to normalize having conversations about sexual health. It is so normal for people to have ST. TIs and STDs. Now, personally, I don't have one, right? And I know it's very easy for me to say this with that privilege, I'd say, because... People ask us a lot. A lot of people have herpes, I think? Half, literally half. I've heard it's one in four. And maybe it is half. I don't know. However, what I do know is that people are having a really difficult time talking about it. But if I told you that, it's for most people, it's manageable. And I think with having these conversations, you know, maybe you tell, you tell, I'm just going to say a name

now. Maybe you say to Peter, okay, Peter, I have herpes and this is what it's like to have sex with me and, you know, how do you feel? You can always throw that back at them. Maybe they'll share with you, they also have herpes. I was just going to say that. And then you're like, wait, hopeface is over, we're together. No, I'm just kidding. Let's just keep passing it back and forth. Yeah. Or Peter says, you know what, I'm out. A month later, he talks to another woman who's saying the same thing or I have this, whatever, here's sexuality. Peter would be like, oh, shit. She was not the exception. Maybe he'll come back to a whole phase with you. you again. Like, you know, we have to normalize these conversations. Yes. I love the idea of just sort of

flexing these conversations. Anything sort of super uncomfortable like early on because like it, I liken it to like when something happens in your life that you think is the end of the world, like an STD, but something embarrassing, something big. And then as time goes by as you talk about it more, the story changes, you can tell it in a way that's like easier. It's like easier. It's lighter. It's just, it's not as big of a deal. And like I think that the more we're talking about this, the easier to have those type of conversations. You're like, it's not like a huge thing. Like I remember the first time I got. told me he had an STD. The way that he was telling me, I thought that he had, like, cancer and was going to die the next day. Like, he was so upset. I mean, we were, who's my hope he was, I was 20?

Yeah. He was devastated, you know, but I think that it would get easier as you get older to talk about it. So, I mean, I love that. People ask us a lot. It's not, like, a, it's not an under-the-radar question. People ask us a lot. Well, and it's, like, a practice makes perfect thing. Like, yeah, it's going to be probably pretty difficult to tell somebody that you have herpes for the first time. But then the fifth time, or the 10th time, like, you're like, you're like, you're like, Like it rolls off the tongue and it's no big fucking deal. Oh, he's not interested. Bye.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I love that. I love the focus group metaphor. You have to also make rules about how your ho phase is going to be. Like I'll tell you one of my personal rules.

When I had a ho phase, it was imperative to me that he ate me out. Go off queen. I don't want to use like the clinical terms of like vagina and vulva. So like what are we comfortable with like pussy or cat? Yeah. That I got off orally before he did. Well, Maria, for you it's a peach emoji. And we'll talk about that later.

That's how we're going to end the episode. You can say peaches and cream if you want because we know. It was important to me that like he ate me out. And if he didn't do that, it's like, oh, you don't do that. Okay. Well, I have to go to bed. Like, goodbye. Like, that was my rule.

Like, if we're going to do this, you have to do that for me that. I need that. I need that to get off before anything happens. And that was fine. Like, that to me, it was like, this is my rule. Because for you, like, the bar is somebody that's going to be like sexually giving. Yes. Absolutely.

Because I'm giving. Do you have any women have told me like, oh, when a guy goes down, it takes me like a while, and then I feel guilty. And I go, tell them what you need. If, you know, practice, that's your whole phase is to practice talking. Practice figuring out. Maybe you like choking. Like, how else will you figure this out?

You're not going to figure out with like John, who's, you know, he's never had any of their sexual experience with you. Right. You know, it's, you've got to do these things to learn what you're looking for, how to communicate it. I have women who contact me who have not had any sex and they're 32, which, by the way, super common in the Gen Z generation, right? Waiting. No, not waiting. Just not having had sexual experiences. Because of a social engineered environment that their parents put them in, right?

Like Gen Z is mostly helicopter parents, parents who have organized their kids' lives in every way, right? And so now you have these 25, 26, 28-year-old men who have never had sex because, okay, they did this activity. Then they went to college. Maybe they studied this certain degree where it was mostly men in it. Now they're in a job where it's, again, mostly surrounded by men. they've never learned how to create, forget dating, they've never learned how to create female friendships.

And same with women, right? We have women who have never had any male friendships. You have to put yourself in these scenarios too where you're making friends. This is now unhofeas related, right? Like just making friends and developing that rapport because one of the things that I say is like, well, how can I have a ho face?

I don't even know how to talk to people. It's like, well, you've got to practice making friends first. Yeah. And we know, and we've talked about it before, how when women have sex with someone or intimate with someone, it can release oxytocin, the love hormone, the cuddle hormone that makes you feel really close to somebody. So there is that, but it is kind of the mindset, like you said, going into it and just reframing this like, you can have sex with somebody and the thought of them like being your

boyfriend can never even enter your mind. No, it never. Yeah, it can just be like purely sexual. I'm not trying to go on dates with you. You could just be wanting to like have phone sex with somebody. Like you know what like the elite guys are. You've phone sex with them and they just purely talk about eating your pussy. Those guys are. They're just really. real ones. This guy that I've never like had phone sex with sort of a lot over the last couple years. He always starts the phone sex with like going down on me. He just wants to talk about it forever.

I love that because that means he really means it. I know. He's jerking up just the thought of going down on me. I love it. Has he talked about going down on your period? Ew, no. He's not. Is that your kink? No, no, no. But I've had guys who are like, they want to talk about that. And I'm like, interesting. They just love the taste of pennies.

Like what? I'm sorry I said it. If that's your kink guys then that's your kink. It's not for me. That's fucking crazy. I'm sorry. Like, that's crazy. I want to dive into your bloodied vagina. I mean, okay, right. I guess we can't king shame, but who's like, I wanted just a mouth full of blood? What? A lot of guys. Also, I have an IUD, so there's a lot of blood. No, not for me. Oh, yeah. I remember having sex with a guy once during that same, that 2000, so man, 2012 is a really slutty year, which is the same year I met my husband, by the way. I met my husband in December, but that year, Yeah, another reason of a ho-faced.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, I want to talk to another person. And that person is the person that's like, oh my God, I ho-faced it my entire 20s. I've never had a relationship. I wasted my 20s or something. Quote unquote, like wasted. Like, what are 30s?

Yeah, where they're 30s? I think there's a lot of people that are like, I've never had a relationship. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't think anyone's a failure for not being in a relationship. We just have to redefine what relationships are. And sometimes those relationships, you know, like one of the things that I really admire when you were on your episode

two weeks ago when you're spoken to the other two, ladies from the other podcast. Almost 30. Almost 30. Oh, almost 30. Okay. Yeah. Is that I could actually get a sense of, you know, your relationship. And I'm sure everyone wonders, like, what is your relationship like? And you do talk about it. And what I mean your relationship about me and Ashley? Yeah, I mean you and Ashley. And that is a relationship in itself, right? And so sometimes, like, I think so much of this world is like talking about relationships like, oh, your relationship has to be with this one person and you have to

set into the sunset. And it's like, no, you're going to have multiple relationships with multiple people and some of them are going to be platonic. I know I mentioned this in the last episode we had to together, but Agapi, the name of my company, right, is one of the words for love. But there's another word for love and that's called filia and that's the friendship love. And that is a relationship and that's a very important relationship to have with someone. So now to the people that are 30 who maybe they hope is it all three other 20s, then they've never been a relationship. The only thing that I ask for you is that when you go on dates, to decide if you're going to go on a second or third date, all you have to ask yourself is, did I enjoy myself? If I did, it doesn't matter

if this person is perfect on paper. If you enjoyed yourself, go on a day. You know, another date. That's it. That's all I'm asking you to do. I'm not asking you to be physically attracted to him. I'm not asking you to figure out if your lifestyles are compatible. I'm just asking you, did you enjoy yourself? Yes, go out. Because some things have a way of working themselves out. Why is he not your physical type? Because maybe all of the exes that you dated don't look like him. Or maybe you're not familiar with the person that you're with him. Why is he not lifestyle your type? Well, you know, you have a lifestyle as a single person. He has a lifestyle as a single person. So much of a relationship is 50-50. You guys have to bring in your lifestyles and

find a way for it to grow. So you think that sometimes, like, what it can be is the people, not first, I don't think everybody's meant to be in a relationship. Like, I just, you know, I, I have plenty of wonderful friend and family relationships. Not everybody's meant to be in a relationship. So I like that you said that not all relationships have to be romantic. You're not a failure. You still have relationships in your life. I have had clients pay my fees who I will learn a month in, oh, this person's never going to be in a relationship. It's not us. I can show them the most perfect people over the next six months a year. But this person really enjoys, the other relationships that they've invested in.

They enjoy being alone. And that's okay. They're going to learn a lot about themselves throughout this process. And it's so important to get to know all kinds of different people from different cultures, races, religions,

just getting to know people that are different than you. A lot of people just grow up in very white Christian spaces. Like, they'd be like, I've never dated an Indian guy, or I've never dated a Jewish person, or I've never liked bald guys with tattoos and beards. You know, and then kind of, once you're all, Is that your type?

It's my only time. Since one guy, you know what I mean? Like it's kind of... I don't know if my points coming across, but you know, I always went for kind of like an alpha male type and then I fell in love with somebody who was not that type. And then that's kind of what I realized worked better for me. Like, you know, we can talk about race, culture, religion, looks, whatever it may be.

But dating and hoeing with so many different people introduces you to so many different types of people, makes you realize what you're into and just in general makes you a better person. You know what I mean? Like so many people, like, they can't imagine being in an interracial relationship or an interreligious relationship. I don't know how to say that. And then you start to just understand it more as you branch out. And that's the best part of living in a city. Like New York or, you know, some people just live in a kind of a homogenous city and they don't really see many people that look different than them.

But if you really do and you can really just get out there, like, you're like, oh my God, I've only ever dated white people. Like, try to not. And of course, I don't mean this in any sort of fetishizing way, like seeking out someone of a certain race or culture or whatever because you have some preconceived notion of how they're going to be. I think that goes about saying, I think this applies with friendships and love, sex, life, just surrounding yourself with people who are different than you and exposing yourself to the life experiences of others. And so we're talking about ho faces here, but that's kind of bigger picture what I recommend in general. I love your speech. Especially if you're like every guy I date, it's not working out with. Maybe you should change your strategy. And it absolutely has made me a better person to hoe around. First of all,

I'm able to like do weird sexual things with a stranger. I don't fucking care about. Like, what do I care? I can see what I like sexually. I can see what I like emotionally. Date around. Oh my God. I fuck one of the first episodes of the podcast.

I fucked that guy in Israel that I just like put on my Instagram story. His name was Ali. Oof, what a smoke. Find somebody outside of the box of the exact same person that you are dating. Yeah. All right. I'm ready. Let's move on to like the judgment.

Yeah. It's funny because we sent you the questions ahead of time and I was like, what do you say about the judgment to friends and family that like judge you? And you're like, why is your family to walk your sex life? You wrote back to the question. So maybe more friends. Maybe more like, she's so crazy.

Your friends are locked down or they're married or they're in a serious relationship and they're giving you judgment for your hoe face. So much of what people's opinions tend to be is pure projection and generally. So I would listen. I would listen. But you don't necessarily have to feel. any validation that they're trying to give you from that. So I think you have to be very comfortable with your decisions.

And if someone's telling you to practice safe sex, then you should listen to that. Yeah. But other than that, you know, I don't think it's anyone's business how much sex you're having. You know, I think, you know, if you're 25, this is an opportunity right now to have your pussy eaten by a 45-year-old divorce man. Let him devour it. Go to a swingers club. Find a friend and do that. Go, you know, go through kinks that you've, you are curious.

about, don't do anything you don't want to do, but you're curious, do it, have fun. And, you know, you don't have to tell your friends everything, but you could have a few sex friends to tell them everything, right? And maybe those sex friends are not other women, they might be another, a man that is, you know, you tell them, okay, this is what I'm doing today, so you know, so you know about my safety, you know, it doesn't have to be a woman. Oh, okay, I like that too. I'm going to quote Durinda, Ashley won't get this, but if you have a problem with me, that's your problem. Ashley and I did an episode a few weeks ago about, like the bad advice people gave you. We said exactly this. So many people are just giving you advice based on their own,

like, very insular one specific experience. And yeah, maybe somebody found their partner 23. And that was great for them. And they think that what you're doing is like a little crazy. And what you're doing is none of their business. Even if you're sharing it with them, like, unless you're asking for feedback and judgment, I don't think it's like healthier, fair. Well, and all my college girlfriends found their partners really young, all married, once divorced now. But other than her, I mean, all have kids married, everybody but me of the seven of us. And in college, I slept with a lot of people. And it was definitely the biggest ho of all of us. Like, they would go in and out of a face here and there, but really weren't sleeping

around, I guess, as much as I did. And they have never once thrown shade my way. Never once felt an ounce of judgment of these women who are all married with kids and met their partners in their 20s. And so that's possible too. Find friends that don't judge you. Like, why do they care what I am doing? You know, you can Google this, but But there is an attachment quiz you can take to tell you about what your attachment relationship is with different parts of your circle. It doesn't have to be just romantic related. It could be your mother, your father, and your best friend.

And if your relationship with your best friend or your any friend that is anything less than secure, like if you feel anxious or avoidant with a relationship, that's a friend of me or that's a person that might have been socially engineered to be in your life that you've kept on because of the nostalgia. And what I mean by that is like high school. That's a social engineered space that, you know, you don't necessarily pick what high school are going to. that's where you wouldn't put it.

So sometimes we keep on friends for nostalgia's sake. Those people do not need to know all the nitty-gritty about your life. Right. Yes, exactly. Like, how do these people even know this stuff? You don't want to tell anybody what you're doing. But do you know how many people, again, I mean, the fact that that's a question, like so many people do. Outside of Ashley, my best friend in the world has been in a relationship for 10 years.

She has never started a sentence to me with like, well, with me and him, you know? Like, I have never once felt judged by her ever in a million years again. She's been in a decade-long relationship. I want to ask you what the quiz is called. because people will want to take it. Relationship structures in attachment style, I think that's what it's called. If you Google it, you'll find it. Okay.

And we can find it and link it too. Yeah. All right. So we had a question for you how to recognize someone else in their ho phase and wanted to step away. Okay. So I've noticed that I know in some online dating sites, you can actually specify what you're looking for, right?

And this is where it gets tricky. So if a man has put that he's not looking for a serious relationship, believe him. Do not date him thinking, oh, my God, he's going to see how awesome I am, and he's going to change his mind. That is not happening. Okay. So there you go. You want to have a ho face? How lucky are you that they told you? I know. It's such a blessing. They mean it. A hundred percent. By the product that you were being sold right in front of your face. That's the ho face right there. When can I come over? When can I sit on your face? That's the guy. Yes. Yeah. Look for that if you're trying to display. Somebody asked me this morning. I want a

ho phase. My friend. How do I do? And I was just like, ask him when you can come and sit on his face. Like, what is the issue here? And if he acts weird, be like, sorry, wrong number. That's good. I had a guy to do that to me one time, a friend of mine. I'm still unclear if she was like, wrong, Ashley. I was like, really? It is just the most toxic mindset we have all been in. I've been it a million times.

I know he doesn't want to date anybody except for me. I mean, we can't, we should do a whole episode in this where we just like repeat it over and over and over like a mantra to get in people's heads. We have a girlfriend who we love and she openly admits I go for unavailable guys because I think they're going to change and fall in love with me. It's like, wait and teens. He sees how good I'm in bed. Wait until he sees how I cook.

Wait until he sees how my nails feel against his back and then on his head. He's going to want to date me. Or that you're smarter, you're funnier, you're better than all the other girls. And you might be, but it doesn't matter. This cap light is not turned on. If it's not turned on, you're just passing through. It's not. Now, to go back to the original question here, right?

So then if a man says on his online dating portfolio, he's telling you, like, you know, I'm looking for a serious relationship. Look, he could still be in a whole phase, right? Both can be true. He's like in six months after this whole phase is over. Well, a guy can, look, a guy can date and a guy can say, I want to be in a serious relationship, but if he doesn't want to go on a second or third date with you or he just wants the fucking you. Both things can be true because you're not the person, you know, his cab light is on,

but you're not the final destination. And I'm sorry to say it that way. But the way to figure out if that's happening is listen to what he's saying to on a first date. Yes. Because the guy tells you on a first date. And if he doesn't tell you, he's going to show in the next two days, if he's not texting you in the next 48 hours, baby, you can shift this into a ho-phase guy or you can just forget about them.

These are the two options. I just think back to all of my best relationships. I mean, with Kane and everybody else have dated long term that I was really in love with. It just feels easy. And I'm not saying every single person should text exactly when they say they're going to and make a plan for the second day and at the first date.

Everybody's human and we're all normal and things come up. But like it should feel easy. It shouldn't be this anxious feeling of like, I really don't know when I'm going to hear from them. It doesn't, it feels really bad when I don't. It feels really extra good when I do because that feeling of anxiety gets to go away for a second. Like, I just think it should feel easy. And if it doesn't feel easy, maybe that guy is just not into you.

And you just got to do other stuff. Like people are always like, how do I change his mind? How do I make his commit? You don't. You go live your life and maybe they'll change. Right. Yeah. But I would just love that.

It's like, you will find out. Like, just pay attention. Pay attention. Like, people just see the red flag and they just run the red light. Like it's just. Right. And at the same time, right, While this is happening in conjunction, like you have to also think, like, do you want him to like you?

Right. Whoa. Like, oh my God. There are some, like, I see this all the time. It's like, this person is trash. Mm-hmm. And you are upset that he didn't contact you. Right.

After a certain time. Yeah. Your ego is bruised. I get it. Yeah. But it's like, this is where hope faces can be a little bit more fun because it's like less expectations. You also just got to shift your mindset.

You're like, ew, if he didn't like me, there's something wrong with him. Fuck him. Ew. I'm glad I dodged a bullet. I mean, that's just me. I like to say instead of that way, I always like to say, like, okay, one person closer to my person. Right. That's how I like to think.

To do the, like, tick marks. We want to talk about the second phase, midlife ho phase. Like, I think that we live our lives in cycles and you can think you're done with a certain part of your life and you're not, you know, like whatever it is. Like I thought I was done partying so hard when I lived in Atlanta and it was just, it turns out that I was just born in Atlanta and I moved to New York and I was out to a I'm like, you're just getting started.

That's what it's, but I had a second party phase where I thought I was kind of done with that. I was like, I'm in my 30s, like whatever. Good for you. And then I just moved to New York

and I'm like, actually no, because I'm dancing in a basement at 5 a.m. And this is fucking fun. And then now I can't hang like that anymore. But I had it like two more years of like what I thought I was done with. And I feel like it's almost the same

of like, ho phase. Like you can be like, I did that in my 20s. And it's like, no, you can be 35 and fire it back up. 52. Oh, yes, exactly. Like it might feel really bad, especially when you get out of a relationship.

But those ages, you're like, oh, I have to go do this. No, you get to go do this. Exactly. You get to go meet people like, listen, I'm not shooting my last relationship. He was wonderful. But the things that were missing from it, now I get to go find somebody. No, but for serious, like she, that's true. Like, you get to do the things that were missing from your previous relationship.

And I think that there's a lot of lessons in there. The sex was great. So that's not the problem. But, yeah, I get to go find people to, like, fill the void. fill a hole of what I was missing, you know? And that's exciting to me, you know? And I get to take those lessons with me. Okay, I found this person, treated me really well. It was really wonderful to me. And I expect that. That is the standard. That is not, like, what I think that, like, is so hard to find and rare. That is what I expect to find. And then on top of that, I expect to find the other

things that we're missing. And now, Maria, like you said, this can be in your 50s. Like, you see it at any age. Yeah. And you, and it's, look, it's harder because the stamina does drop for certain people, but that doesn't mean it just can't be fun. Like, you know, so, like I said, it's a mind, it's not a verb, it's not a noun, it's not an adjective, it's a mindset. It's like, it's about sexual empowerment, but it's more about communication empowerment. You know, like you said, you get to do things now, right? Hopefully in your next relationship, whatever that is, you get to do all the things that you want and you feel fulfilled. I do want to say, though, that no person's ever going to 100% fulfilled that. You don't have that relationship, but you have to be

okay with the things that are at, let's say, 80 or 90% fulfillment. I remember a friend of mine, she felt like she was not being intellectually fulfilled with someone who she thought was absolutely perfect for her. And I said, okay, so how important to you, like, how much is he intellectually fulfilling? She's like, 90%. Oh, that's high. Go join a Scrabble Club. Yeah. Join a book club. Oh, really. Yeah. Like, you know, go solve, go start a true crime podcast. That's exactly. Go solve a murder. Go solve a murder. I'm dead. You can find intellectual, and, you know, you can supplement it with someone else. A hundred percent.

That's why we talk about the importance of all these different types of relationships. I read this school thought and I'll segue into like a new, new thought, but I read this school of thought that said that like having these hope faces actually can like encourage you to be more faithful in your like committed relationships. And I loved that. And I love this idea that you kind of like get out of your system. And like,

I mean, that's how I'm able to like go on dates now and not fuck somebody on a first date because I'm like, all right, I did this. I'm good. You know? And I'm in a relationship and I don't feel like I'm missing out and what's out there. but I think that like there are, and I know people that like, you know, are approaching like, approaching 30 and they're like, oh, fuck, I was in a serious relationship my entire 20s. And now, like, I didn't get to do any of that shit.

And like, I'm stressed the fuck out about it. If you are stressed out about it, write down a list of three things you want that are not going to make you stress and go do them. Like, that's a tangible thing you can do today is if you feel stressed, if you're in a relationship and you feel stressed, okay, let's make a couple's list. You don't have to be a swinger, but hey, let's watch different people. porn together. Let's change it up. Let's get some new toys. Let's go pretend to be strangers. Let's book a really expensive vacation in Aruba and pretend we're strangers at separate hotel

rooms and have fun with each other. It's a rena. We were strangers in Aruba. So you can pretend to be the Raina and they can pretend to be the Ashley, you know, and there's a lot of fun in that. That's actually a really fun game. I love that I come in your podcast, I teach people Greek. So in Greek, we have this word called Apothimena, and that means regret. and you say to people, like, when you're in a relationship, that you got married without a potsemena, and I remember I, you know, I had my ho-faces before I met my husband, and I just said, like, I met my husband at the tail end of a ho-phase in 2012.

And I felt ready when I met him. Like, when I met him, I was like, oh, okay, I've seen all the dick this year. We're good. Like, we can, we'll settle with this one. You know, he was not the biggest dick I had that year, but he was the most fun, and he was the most curious. and, you know, like the things that I like about my favorite person. Anyway, fast forward five years later,

I'm having my bachelor's party the week before my wedding, and I kissed Saki Zruvas, if you have any Greek listeners, they will put photos of him and tag you guys, so you know exactly how beautiful this man is. And I got to kiss him on the cheek. And at five in the morning, drunk, I called my husband, I was like, I am marrying you without a bothima. I love it.

Because he needed to know, like, that was it. That was the last of my, I know it's so stupid, it's kissing. But it was my fantasy. I've masturbated to this a million times, like, since I could. Like, this was important to me. I got it done. By the way, that photo of me kissing him, it is framed in our living room. And my husband always looked, he's like, that's the photo of you with no regrets.

Like, he knows. I love it. I'm so proud of me. He framed it. But I love what you said. Like, you had this kind of like fantasy that you fulfilled. Like, I don't know. Like, whatever that means for you, listener right now, like, do it.

Figure it out. You know, do it safely and whatever you need to do. but I like that idea of like I have this vision of this thing and just get it done because then you would feel like like the word I can't say. I'm both a manna. I would maybe, I'm such a big fan of like lists. I write a lot specifically when I'm having relationship problems. I write a whole lot.

I think that like if you're in this phase where you're like I've been with this partner like all my 20s, I get to do what everybody else got to do. Like I would make a list of all the things that you get to do and that you don't have to deal with. Like dating is really tough sometimes. There is such a fun side of it, but it's tough. You deal with a lot of people that aren't nice to you and the disrespect you and lie to you and it's just,

it's exhausting. You have to keep introducing yourself and, you know, make a list of all the really great things that you don't have to do anymore. And do you want to go do those things? If you do, if the answer is yes, then like, I think you should talk to your partner. Like you said, about being an open relationship, about changing things sexually, you know.

I don't think that like the final frontier is a monogamous relationship with somebody that you marry a 30 and your life is just set and you check the box. Like, to me, that's not the dream. You know, to me, the dream is finally. a partner that like I am compatible with, but like also being able to say like I'm not happy right now. And I think that like it's super natural normal to be attracted to other people, want to fuck other

people and be bored of fucking the same person. I've had to have those, I've had those conferences with my husband. I remember like, I think it was like an April. I remember it was like spring of like 2014, like two years into our relationship. And I remember thinking like I just realized I'm sad because I don't think I'm ever going to go on a first date again. And I don't think I'm going to see new date again. Like I was, and I told my husband.

You said that to him. Wow. Okay. And then he was like, okay, well, what do you want to do? Like, how does that make you feel? And he wasn't asking like, what do you want to do? Like, do you want to break up? I don't want to break up.

Yeah. I'm just like, oh, I'm just realizing this. I just need like a minute to think about it. And, you know, he gave me some space to like, you have to mourn your singledom sometimes. I love that. And I love that you felt like you could talk to him about that. Two years ago when I, like, I had like a crisis identity after having a kid. And I was like, I, you know, it was very hard for me to feel sexy about myself again.

And like if you are a mom, if you become a mom and you have this like identity shift as a mom, your husband will treat you like not only as your wife, but as a mom. And then you meet someone. You might go to a conference or you might go out to coffee and you meet a new guy. And they don't treat you like a mom. They treat you like, well, the cutie at the counter. And that feels good. And I remember like feeling good by someone else recognized me for something else that I'm not.

And going to my husband, I go, George, like someone made me feel like butterflies today because they didn't, they weren't treating me like the mom. They were treating me like, Hottie Maria. And he's like, okay, so it's like, so you need to step it up, dude. Like I am no longer are we going to, I am not the mom here. After these kids go to bed, like, I slept naked for three months with, like, we would sleep naked for three months. Like, it just happened to be three months until we like got it back together. But like, it took us three months to go over that weird identity hump of like, you know,

new parents going back to like hot couple who has sex all the time. Like it was, it was really hard. We had, we slept. That was our solution was to sleep naked until we got there. And then another thing that helped us was scheduling sex. That's actually the best advice I've ever got. I think it was from sex with Emily, but like scheduling sex. Because when or else we would feel all this guilt throughout the week?

Like, oh, man, we didn't have sex today because I'm so tired. I'm sorry. Do you still love me? Now it's like, okay, you know, we have a day in nine and that's the day we have sex. Did you feel a weight off and almost like it made it better when you set it out loud? Yes. Like I was just going to say, like, I don't know. Your husband's obviously very secure for you to tell him that and him to

accept it and be like, what are we going to do about this? I can see a world in which a guy would be terrified to tell his girlfriend or his wife that because a woman might be like, he's going to cheat on me, we're going to break up. And it's like, you were so lucky that your partner is this honest with you because everybody feels that. Every single person in a long-term relationship has felt, I miss that rush. And if you can talk about it with your partner, like, man, you were split years ahead of so many other couples.

So I'm sure you felt like, oh, my God, I got to tell him that. And when I did, I didn't even know that like, it's only after the fact was like, man, I could talk about you with anything. Now, like, that opened up the door so much for us. Yeah. Just the way we talk. And, like, you know, I haven't shown him all the porn that I like, but I have said to him, like, okay, I'm not attracted this man physically, but man can Owen Gray fuck? Okay.

And I'm like, I don't think this man is physically attractive, but the way he fucks. And I'm like, I show my husband, like, this is the porn that I like to watch. I like things in the female gaze. Okay. And he shows me what porn he likes. And this is great. Yeah, I could tell that, like, I'm his type. And it's like, you know, it's like kind of fun.

to share it. My porn is more fun. I can't even imagine how terrifying that conversation is to have with a partner because, like, I think men specifically, like, you're worried you're going to emasculate them. They're going to freak out. Like, what my dick's not good enough, big enough, hard enough for you. That's why Owen Gray's the best because it's not about as a dick. It's about how he eats and how he like, he just does different things. His technique is it. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, what Rain is saying, it's like, the more we normalize these conversations, like, we're human. Like, We love those first moments of a relationship. And when you get married or you've been together for 10 years,

you have a child and like, it doesn't happen anymore. Like, so if you can tell your partner, like, I'm sure they're going to be like, oh, thank you for saying something. Me too. Yes. I said that to a friend the other day. Sorry, go ahead. I said this one the other day.

And she was saying like, I'm not probably anybody on blast, but we were talking about this specifically. And I was like, you know that your man also has these thoughts, right? Like, you know that your man also looks at other girls, jerks off to other people. know what is an angel. If you're thinking this, so is he. And I just, I think that's important to remember, like, give people, I've always, like, I always appreciate when people have conversations with me and they give me enough credit to being able to, like, handle the conversation. You know, even though it sucks, even though it's hard, I think Ashley and I are amazing at that with each other. Like, we've had the toughest conversations with each other that I probably ever had outside of, like, a romantic partner or a sibling. And I appreciate that we, like, trust each other to be able to handle the conversation because it's always better at the end of. at it. Always. Did your husband, did he step it up? Did he start to make you feel sexier? Yeah, but not immediately. Okay. Like it took us, it took us three months. Look, we were both really

tired. Yeah. I had this awful. My first pregnancy was awful. I was like allergic to my son. I didn't even though you could be allergic to a baby, you know, and like, gained all this weight. It was like insane. And my husband at the time, he was still commuting to Boston. So I was taking care of a kid. I was also running a business. There was just a lot on my plate. And I was tired and he was tired. And I think when I was able to say like, okay, this is happening, we got to work on it. You know, it took us, it took us, it took us, it took it. I feel like three months was a really long time for us because we usually can get over things in like two hours. But he did step it up. He started saying things. Like, you know, he's more physical

touch and I'm both words affirmation and physical touch. And, you know, he started sending me messages. He started sending me notes. I would start to, I would actually go out of my way when you would go to work to wear like really hot lingerie and send him like sext him during work hours. You played your part too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, I wanted him to shift from mommy to hot wife. And, you know, it took three months.

It took three months for him to get his libido back in that way. Because I think also, like, our sex was suffering because he just couldn't get it up. He was seeing me as mommy. He wasn't seeing me as like, this is my hot, sexy wife. I love that shifted. Like, you can't just be like, you need to change. And I'm not going to do a thing. And you're like, you know what?

You need to step it up. But I'm also about to send you these thirst drafts. throughout the day. Like you did your part too. We got into our own fights. You know, frustration has fights. I'm not going to say that, you know, we didn't yell at each other. But then we got into a place where we can talk about it. And then, you know, we got to a place where, you know what, guys, can I say something? Yeah. My husband got a vasectomy last month. Do you know what it's like to have sex without a condom and not a purpose to have a kid? All the time. I do it all. No fear.

Right now. What are you talking about? Yeah, but you have to like think about, like with no fear at all. And no purpose. The last time my head unprotected sex with my husband was to make a fucking kid. Like, this is amazing. I can just climb on top of him if I'm feeling it, unscheduled sex. It's, I mean, no, I just, sorry. Tom Sawara has this great joke. He's like, next time you think about pulling out, just don't.

It feels amazing. All right, Maria, can we rapid fire some of these questions at you? Go for it. Your own Instagram. Okay. So we just love some of these responses. You do, like, ask a matchmaker. And we just love some of these.

So I chose some from your Instagram and, hopefully you will answer them in the way that you did already, or else I'll read your answer back to you. If it's not acceptable, I'll read what you wrote. Maria, so spicy. Can we start? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. How soon to tell a guy you're sleeping with that he needs to go down on you, she says it's been one month of sex. Immediately. What do you mean? Like a month ago. What? Right. I should come on a game show.

Maria. I better say exactly what you said. You should tell a guy you like to have your pussy lick. like second date conversation. I don't know. And we always say like don't like do it as soon as you're done having sex. Like do it a different time but say like you really like turn me on so much. Oh yeah. You know what I really love is when you go down. When you're fully clothed is best.

I think that the communicating those wants needs ahead of time, not after the sexual act, very important. Okay, Maria said, honest to God, why is anyone skipping this part? Oh, you want to have sex with me? Eat me out first. Peace line emoji. Brand is spicy. It's different when it's text, you know.

No, I know. But I mean, okay. Find the answer to the next one and I will ask it. Yes. The next one is, I hope she gets it right. Okay. So we, this girl said she has facetimed a lot with somebody. Is it a red flag as he suggests making dinner at my apartment for a first date?

You did not survive a global pandemic to spend a first day indoors. Hey, she got it right. At the end, you did say get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. All right. Right. All right. All right.

I am an attorney, bad to show up for a date in a suit, or should I always go home and change first? You should always go home, masturbate first, and then go. Yes, she said, go home, undress, masturbate. It'll help wash the lawyer out of your vibe. Wear something that makes you feel sex and confident, have fun on the date. I love masturbating for a day. Yeah. I get what she said.

I love masturbating before dates. I masturbate before dates. I'm with my husband. I'm not also trying to, that's great, by the way. I always masturbate before dates. I'm not trying to go on a first date anywhere that you have to wear a suit to. Oh, God. I'm not trying to, I don't want suit appropriate location.

With your sneakers? For an early date. I don't, I feel like you don't want to be wearing your power suit on a first date. Okay, Rayna, next one. Okay. He's not vaccinated, so we can't go to a restaurant. Second date is too soon to do the date at his place. Why are we dating non-vaccinated people?

Yeah. So your second day should be at a vaccination center. She nailed it. Word for word. Woo! Nice. This is so funny. We're making her safe.

It is not a political statement. It's helping people to get vaccinated. When you are unvaccinated, turn 11 months into a, post-vaccine world. It just tells me that you can't do fun things safely. So get that second date to a vaccine center. What the hell are you waiting for? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Full chills. Okay. Dating two years and unsure if he's the one, wait it out or set him free. Let it go. Let it go. Something, something, something, something. Let it go. Like, no, break the fuck up. Get out of here. Like, two years and you don't know. Like, are you kidding?

I guess it's like, why are you unsure? Like, are there like, do you think there's just like something better out there or you want to happy to figure out what your reasoning is and then yeah if you are over the age of 28 this is probably my most controversial opinion but if you are more if you are over 28 years old and you are dating someone I would say nine months and you still aren't sure you need to break up I don't think that's unfair and if you're over 35 I'd even say six months I would say six months but yeah maybe that's because I'm a little older okay which one your answer was you said two, you said two years, two fucking years, Seth and free. Okay.

All right. I'm ready to go with the, okay. I love this. This is sort of the same vein, but shorter time. We kind of said this up top, but yeah. One date with a nice guy, no spark. How many dates do I give it to see if there's a spark? You should give it three dates, but only if you're enjoying yourself.

She nailed it word for word. Oh my God. Okay. I am consistent. She nailed her own. I'm not even trying to win. I'm just, this is just my philosophy. This is so funny to me.

You get a prize if you get all the right. the right answer. Okay, been talking every day for weeks, but hasn't made the move to meet up yet. He says he's busy. What should I do? You should block him. He's an ego boost. He's ego boosting you. Two weeks of chit-chat.

No. Okay. Let me read Marias with a little more enthusiasm. Block him. This person is just using to stroke his ego. Time thief. Time thief. Abort, abort, block. Of everything you've said, I could not agree more. We get this a lot. These guys are just want to whelm around and talk about. I always

say what they have for lunch or they did the gym today. I don't care. I don't care. I'm a less of a blocker because I think it feels, listen, if you want to block, block, I think it feels a little like you, I don't know the word. I don't want to say dramatic. I'm just, I just ignore. I think ignore is fine too. And I think maybe that's what I mean when I say block them. But like, I think it's really important to go back to, you know, how, you know, the loss of identity. You know who does this a lot is single dads as well because it's like they're only known as a dad or that bitch ass ex-husband. And it's like, oh, I get to talk to you all the time, even though I'm busy, I shouldn't be dating, but you're going to ego stroke me make me feel like a hot guy, even though I don't get that

anywhere else. Yeah, I'm not, I don't care about blocking one or the other. I'm just, I'm exiting the situation. I'll make one final play to say, do you want to hang out? If the answer is no, then I'm just, I'm out. Okay, we've one left. A couple of these were in the same vein, but here's one that said, I'm talking to four guys from apps.

How do I know who is the right one to keep around? So I would have said, and I still say, whoever eats your pussy best. But what Maria was doing was saying, who eats peach emoji best? And the first time I saw it pop up on my Instagram, I was like, damn, Maria, who eats ass better? It's the first occasion of Maria is so spicy now. I was like, who eats your ass better?

Go off, queen. And then we had this whole debate on your podcast that you met pussy, but we read ass. And either way. Because I grew up in the 90s when 112 talked about peaches and cream. okay, and they're talking about pussy. I'm telling me, this is generational divide here.

I think either works. I just think we've come accustomed to the peach emoji being a butt, and I don't see something else to be a butt. Where with a pussy, I could do taco, I could do sushi, I could do like a number of things or a cat. But I have a chubby. I have a chubby vagina. It's like a peach.

Like it's puffy like a peach. Right. I mean, all right. Well, you did a great job of remembering your own answers for the most part. Your prize is you got to be on this podcast. Thank you. Thank you for having me. It's a joy to be here.

We love having you. Can you tell people where they can find you, your podcast, your Instagram, and of course, Agape? Awesome. Well, you can find me on Instagram at Matchmaker Maria. And there's a link in the bio that will take you to everything. But you can listen to my podcast, Ask a Matchmaker. That's on all the podcast apps that you can listen to, I suppose.

And you can also learn more about my company by going to AgapeMatch.com. But again, link in the bio of Instagram. Every Wednesday, I do Ask a Matchmaker Wednesday. That's what the ladies were reading off of. And you'll also see on my feed like the best of that I've saved. So yeah, it's a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun. I love my community.

And I just want to say again, thank you ladies for having me. It's so much fun to be here in this beautiful studio. Oh, my God. Thanks. Welcome back. We love having you exactly three years to the month back here with us. Yeah. Thank you so much.

And you guys know where to find us. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.com. We are Girls Got to Eat Podcasts. And Instagram. I am Ash Hess on Instagram and TikTok. Raina is Raina. draena. at Greenberg on Instagram

Girls underscore Gotta Eat on Twitter and YouTube. com slash Girls Gotta Eat and we'll see you next week. Have a good week, guys. Bye.