Girls Gotta Eat - The 'Let Them Theory' Will Change Your Relationships feat. Mel Robbins

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

We are honored to be joined by Mel Robbins, author of the bestselling, life-changing book The Let Them Theory. We talk to her about the theory and how you can apply it to relationships, daily stress, career goals, and family conflicts to live a more free and authentic life. We discuss dating in depth – confusing behavior from someone early on, what's a true dealbreaker and when to break up, how to know if you're an energy match, what you can and can't change about someone, how to have the DTR talk and stay in your power, and more. Mel coaches us on not letting small stressors (like inconsiderate people in the airport) take our energy, and we also talk about managing our mental health and using our voices in the current political climate. Before she joins us, we're celebrating our 7-year anniversary of the podcast, Ashley gives an update on her roommate, and Rayna reveals why we lose socks in the dryer. Enjoy! Follow Mel on Instagram @melrobbins, listen to her podcast The Mel Robbins Podcast, check out her website, and get her book The Let Them Theory. Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order at https://quince.com/GGE. Tonal: Get $200 off your purchase at https://tonal.com with code GGE. BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at https://betterhelp.com/gge. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you subscribe at https://nutrafol.com with code GGE10. Rocket Money: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions at https://rocketmoney.com/gge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You always have the power. Like, that's the message of the let them theory. You have been giving the power to other people. You have always had it. Nobody can string you alone. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Seven years running. Seven year anniversary of the podcast. Yes. It started February 13th in a small apartment in the East Village in New York City. How beautiful apartment building. Someone just texted me. And she was like, I'm trying to be.

I'm trying to move back to New York and rents are like so crazy. What was that building you lived in where you stopped paying rent? I got my rent restabilized, which is the most iconic of things I've ever done in New York. That's a sentence I've never heard so much. Not just selling out the beacon. It was getting my rent restabilized because it was destabilized illegally. I got the rental work. You know, it's a long thing, but I did.

That was so funny that someone was like, what was that shitty old apartment you lived in? What is what you lived? I know it was in my old apartment in New York on 3rd Avenue. I wonder who lives in New York. That building's condemned. That is true. They probably have one of those like termite. tents over the whole building.

Yeah. Like you can't get in there. But, you know, seven years, hundreds of guests, hundreds of live shows, multiple city moves, multiple apartment moves, studio moves. I mean, to do anything for seven years, like, what an incredible honor. It really feels crazy. It's crazy. And we've lived like 100 lives since then.

No, like we could have a second grader. A what? We could have a second grade child. A child. Oh, yeah. Thank God we don't. If we had birthed a child. We did.

When we started the podcast. She would be in the second grade. Yeah, she's in the second grade. That would be crazy. Well, thank you guys. If you're newer here, we love to have you. If you've been here since day one, we get tons of emails from people that just say, you know, I've listened since the beginning. I've turned my daughter onto this and my family members.

I'm a therapist. I've turned my clients onto this. I mean, just what an honor to be able to do this for so many years. We just love you guys. Yeah, I don't. I feel like, did I prepare anything to say? Like, I don't know. I mean, it's just like, like, Grainna said, it is such an honor.

I mean, it's like, we have so much fun doing this still seven years later. or else we wouldn't be doing it. You know, we only do stuff we want to do. I mean, for the most part. Unless I'm going to make a lot of money for it. And we just love it. And it's been such an incredible journey. And the topics we've covered, I mean, I don't know what there is left, but we keep,

we keep doing it. We keep finding stuff and the shows and everything. So we just thank you guys for everything. And we have a great episode for our seven-year anniversary. Oh, my gosh. So excited. We've Mel Robbins today. Huge.

number one podcast in the country, number one book on Amazon right now, let them. So I just, I poured over this book. I loved it so much. I can't wait to have her. Amazing guest. And, you know, obviously, thanks to our team and Tessa and Anna, our editor and Ashley, who, our manager who runs everything for us. And not this Ashley different.

But we are really lucky to have a great team and great partners. So we're going to thank some more partners and then get right into it. So thanks to Quince, get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order at Quince. dot com slash gge and better help get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash gge and rocket money cancel your unwanted subscriptions at rocket money.com slash gge. Yes and thank you to tonal get $200 off off your purchase at tonal.com with code gge and neuterful get $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you subscribe at neuterful.com with code gge 10. Okay, so the Eagles won the Super Bowl last night.

If you're hearing this, they did. I'm not laughing because it's not true. I didn't expect it. If they didn't win, you're not going to be hearing this. We're going to cut it. So Anna, keep that in mind. So congrats to them.

How does it feel? It feels amazing. All my ewell shirts were dirty, so I'm wearing, I'm still wearing green. You know, I'm just realizing you're wearing an Atlanta shirt. It's okay, because it's not like they played Atlanta. Right. And it's green.

They stopped the chiefs in their tracks. shit all over them of a three-peat. Do you think Taylor Swift got engaged? And Taylor Swift did not get engaged. Really? She's a lot of losing streak this month. Didn't win one thing at the Grammys? Didn't win the Super Bowl.

I mean, that's my girl. Love her so much. She's been a rough month. Yeah. She's got to put an eagle charm on that pussy chain. She lost a bad and had to do that. No. So, yeah, if you're hearing this, congrats to them.

I'm sure the Super Bowl party was amazing. So, yeah. I am scared. about that party. It is in a couple days. So last night, so Melanie is staying with me and we were pretty drunk and we knocked over an entire bottle of red wine in my all white house. On what? On my white carpet. It exploded onto the white carpet. And I was just like, I am afraid for this Super Bowl party. You're your own worst enemy. Because that's never happened at a party. No one's ever done that but you. That's true. I'm just going to have a no red wine rule. Yeah. I don't think anybody needs red wine at 3.30 on a Sunday. No, Rob's not coming. coming. And he's our only friend with red teeth in the middle of the afternoon. I don't think people need to be drinking that. Like, and you guys, people can go home at 7 p.m. when it's over and drink your wood wine at home. Yeah. So if you guys are listening, it's happened. And hopefully Raina's new home survived. You know, I went too hard on like entertainment and liquor last year. And I forgot,

like I got a beer pong table for like Super Bowl last year. But I was like, people don't need to be entertained during the Super Bowl. Like the Super Bowl is the entertainment. I need to set up a beer pong table. What you do need is a sound bar. I've been meaning to tell you. No, I remember because last year during the Super Bowl, we had the volume all the way up. Yeah, it's not good. We'll stay tuned to let you guys know if I got the soundbar. But I think that was a good idea.

Yeah, you got to get a sound bar. So I am announcing my tour today. So just going to let you guys know where I'm coming and then you can go to my website and get tickets if you want to come. But I'll just rattle these off. It is tour announcement day, the Sex Before Marriage Tour. Self-explanatory. I'll be fucking on stage. I love the name so much.

Yeah, the Sex Before Marriage Tour is going to kick off April. 4th and 5th in Chicago, April 12th, I'll be in Phoenix, May 2nd, Miami, May 3rd, Tampa, May 16th, and 17th, Salt Lake City, June 6th and 7th, Pasadena right here in California, June 27th, 28th, Portland, Oregon, July 11th and 12th, right after my birthday, D.C., July 18th and 19th, Toronto, Canada, August 1st, Denver, August 6th, LA, I'll be bringing it home, August 14th, Charlotte, August 15th, Atlanta, September 14th, San Diego and September 19th and 20th at San Francisco. Are you so excited? Yeah, I'm so excited.

And there'll be more. You know, like we're still adding, but that's where it stands for now. And I can't wait. And I can't wait to come see all of you guys. I'm sure Rayno will make some cameos. And you can get tickets at ashess.com. How's that website? Websites good.

Yeah. The website's on and popping. The tour poster is so cute. It looks like a wedding invite. Yeah. That's really cute. Yeah. Brian did an amazing job because we have this designer and he does, he's done our tour posters for

years. He's helped with our cover. We did our Times Square, our Billboard. Yeah, he's helped with a cover art. And I was just like, his wedding invitation going to be like a blind spot for him, you know, but he just fucking crushed it. Oh, he's the best. You know, he sent me one. I was like, no notes. So that's on my Instagram, too, Ash Hess. Yeah. So Ash Hess on Instagram, Ash Hess.com, Ash Hess everywhere. I got a blue sky recently. Ash Hess on that. I haven't, no tweets yet. I don't know what they call. I don't know. Are you on blue sky? You're not even a good Genzy. I'm kidding. It's not. Speaking of Tessa, I got to tell you something having yesterday.

Okay. You're going to die. Okay. As a music lover, as a hip-hop lover. Okay. So I don't think it's embarrassing for you. It was a moment that I've never felt so old in my life. So we, we're at this office building, and there's an event space, and we're talking to one of the guys that works here, and he's telling us who's used the event space recently.

And it's some, like, pretty cool creators, musicians, and he said Faith Evans was here. Former wife of Baby. Yeah. who Tupac wrote the song. You claim to be a player, but I fucked your wife. And Tessa's like, I have no idea who that is. And I was like, Faith Evans? She married to Biggie.

And she's like, who? Biggie? Tessa didn't know Biggie. I don't think it's that crazy. I don't think it's that crazy test. So just hear me out. She was like, that's really before my time. And I realized like this was the biggest thing in music in my lifetime,

the murder of these men and the back and forth hip-hop wars from like the East Coast and the West Coast. And Tessa was like, I don't know who that is. And I was like, it makes sense. But I was like, I feel so old. Faith Evans, I'm not mad at you for not knowing that. Like, you know Lil Kim. I like know how's the name?

No, no, she does not. Do you know Foxy Brown? No, this is like... No. My mom's also not my genre. Like, that's... Tessa likes, like... I'm like Dad Rock.

Yes, like Steely Dan. That's... Tessa and Tesla are like old. Rock. This was the biggest. Tessa knows more old rock than we do, probably. I don't think it's embarrassing for her. I just felt really, it was, I don't have a lot of moments in my life where I'm like,

that was really a huge moment in my life. And people today don't know what that is. It doesn't happen a lot to me. Yeah, but like I felt like that with people from the really early 80s. I didn't really know all that, you know, like a few years before I was born, which is even like, you know, late 70s, early 80s. I just, even mid 80s, you know, I just was like, I don't know.

Like I didn't know much about like Grandmaster Flash or like Sugar Hill gang. You know, like I know who they are. I just to me, this is like such a big deal. I will say also hearing like Faith Evans performed here in Venice at this place, it's out context for me. Yeah. It took me a second too to be like, wait, Faith. She's still doing it?

Have you seen the Defiant ones, Tessa? No. You should watch the Defiant ones. It's like my favorite documentary of all times like Jimmy Iovine, but it's like so much of that and like so much of. of the East Coast, West Coast, like Biggie Tupac Rap feud, but also like Tom Petty and Stevie Nix, it's like this whole musical evolution through time.

And then it kind of culminates with Jimmy Iovine and beats by Dre. And it's just like the best documentary ever made. It's like my favorite. It's on HBO. It's amazing. We had his daughter, Jade Iovine, on the show a couple years ago. So anyways, I was excited to tell you that

because it was really a moment where I was like, okay, she is younger than me. She really, really is. So what else is that? So I have a roommate now. how's that going? So my fiance moved in, what, at this point, five days ago. And it's been so wonderful.

I mean, I knew that it would be, but I feel like it's like plot twist. I do like living with a man, you know, I mean, specifically him. But it's just, I mean, obviously we've been together for a long time. We spent a lot of time together. But I think my favorite part is like, I don't have to say goodbye to him. You know, like it would always be, you know, with the exclusion of some longer trips or a vacation, like on a Sunday night or a Monday morning. We have to part ways and it's so sad. And we had this really fun weekend or long weekend or whatever it is. And then it's like this come down. You have to say goodbye. And it's just now this feels

like really stable. Like especially just where I'm at, where we're at right now in the world and my personal like mental health, it's like this is really stabilizing and like a great balance as opposed to like the ups and downs of being a long distant relationship. It is interesting. I mean, it will just sort of like normalize the interactions a little more. And like I know that you get so excited to see him. Yeah. But the come down at the end of that is so disappointing. I didn't really think about like now you really just,

you just get to stay excited and you do a fun thing and then you get to go home together, you know, you don't have to have those like lows of like, man, this sucks to like wrap up such a fun special time with a loss. Right. Exactly. And I am going to bed earlier.

I feel so well rested. I mean, it still hasn't been that long. But, you know, even the weekends. I don't know. We were in bed before. 12 or 1, but like last time we got into bed at 1030, it's crazy for me. Holy shit. That's like my time.

I've hopped these gummies. I was slept so hard. I was like, this is the new me. Like, I was probably asleep by 11. Lookout world. I know. And then like up at 745. You texted me crazy early this morning. This is so good for my mental health. My overall health. Welcome to my life. Welcome to my life. Yeah. You know what I think it's funny that studies prove that when men live with the woman, like it helps their health and their happiness extends their life. I'm the man. I'm like a woman who really needed to live with a person to kind of stabilize them and like balance them out a little bit. But I've just, I've really loved it so far. And it was nice to have him here over the weekend and not feel the pressure to make plans and dinner reservations. I mean, I don't feel pressured by him. But, you know, when he would

come here, I would want to have at least dinner reservations. I mean, I want to maximize our time in L.A. and like do fun stuff. And we obviously spent plenty of time in our relationship and whatever city it was, like laying around with no plans, but I at least would make like dinner reservation. So it was the first weekend, which granted, he's moving some stuff in and we had to prioritize that, but where we really didn't have any plans and we just went with the flow, we met up with friends. I had some friends in town who were here for the Grammys. So we had day drinks with them and you know, went out that night and met some people and just played the whole weekend by ear. And that just felt like a normal, natural thing to do. And we've seen a couple wedding venues now at this point. And so I feel

like we're close to making our final decision and, you know, he's so easy going, but we're, like, really aligned on what we want. And so I hope we're, like, within probably, like, a week of, like, figuring out which one it's going to be. We've seen two. We're going to see two more. I just must feel so nice to just kind of, like, not have these downs at the end of it up. Yeah. You know, I'm, like, really happy for you guys. It's been a long time. And of course, there's a lot of pressure to, like, we only see somebody every two weeks. And sometimes it was three weeks. This time was a month. Like, there's a lot of pressure to, like, make it an event. And, do a lot of fun stuff. And now you can, now you can stop doing that. No, I'm just kidding.

Now you can just be you and do nothing. No, you are the queen of baking plans. So you'll continue to do it. Well, thanks. But I mean, I said last night, I was like, let's do our date night every week, at least, like, obviously we'll go out on the weekends. We'll go to dinners and stuff. But I was like, at least, like, I think a Wednesday is great to like break up the week and have something to look forward to where hot take, whatever, you just pick a new restaurant or go do some activity. And so I like that too. And it's just let me know if we're going to do Wednesday. days. All three of them.

I wanted to come over and bring him like a welcome gift, but that I was like, I'll just let him have their first weekend by himself. I'm loving it so far. I said to you years ago because you were like living with a man so terrible. And I was like, you will find somebody. I wish we could find it. Because I was like, you will find your version of enjoying that. I've lived with three men.

I loved it. Like there's not a lot of men I would want to live with, but the ones I've been in love with, I've had nothing but really good experiences in that realm. But he does make my life easier. Like he lightens the load. Like we share the responsibilities. Like, you know, maybe somebody cooks, somebody cleans or we both cook. We both clean.

And this is not just like new, brand new information. We've spent, you know, almost two years ago at this point. I know how we kind of divvy up responsibilities and how we both like to clean and keep things and stuff like that. But like it would be really difficult to be with somebody who made your life harder, which I think is what a lot of women deal with. Like they have another person in the house. They have double the amount of whatever, clothes, dishes, men.

and then they don't help you. People think being single is a fate worse than death. I think that being with a person that you also have to raise on top of what you're doing is actually a fate worse than death. And I won't like pick on the one. I've lived with three men, two of them were pretty high functioning and helped me around the house. And one of them is just like,

I felt like I just had to do everything for him. And it was just like, I don't want somebody that turns me into this awful version of myself where I'm like nagging everybody all the time. Like, could you just put some water in the dishes if you're not going to do them? Like, we've talked about this before. but you should feel entitled to live with somebody who's going to lighten the load and make things easier and not make things another job for you. Yes.

That's the thing. Like my life got easier and it's great, right? Like instead of harder, you know. Yes. So it's, you know, I'm into it. So cheers to all the partners that lighten the load and make your life more easier. Because I think that it is compromise and it's tough moving in with somebody and you know, you have to alter a lot of things about your life. but hopefully it is somebody that you want to do those things for

and that makes your life better. And I mean, I have a roommate right now. Melanie is staying with me and she just, she couldn't be better. This morning she got up before I got up. She replaced all the water bottles that she drank. I mean, she really knocked that bottle of wine over, not me.

Oh, it comes out. And I didn't, I didn't knock it over. She knocked it over. She went and got oxyclean. She scrubbed it out of my carpet this morning. She brought us donuts for her first day at work. I mean, I woke up and she just done all this stuff in the house and I'm like, that's the bar.

Yeah. That's the standard. Yeah. So, I mean, I think there are certainly some relationships where, I mean, I need to generalize this much, but, you know, if you have a man that works a ton and makes all the money and maybe his partner doesn't, I mean, there's so many different types of setups where everything really does fall on her, you know, is that there's kids, you know, but all the like cooking, cleaning, like, there's really not that shared responsibility.

And I think that would be tough. But it's also like that's the setup you signed up for. I mean, he and I both work. You know, we don't have kids. Like, we got a good thing going. I mean, we got a dog, you like sign. There is a negotiation and you sign up on a contract. Like every relationship does.

And, you know, if you don't work and your husband makes all this money, probably the contract between the two of you is that you clean and you cook, you take care of the kids. And I mean, I think that is how it is. And, you know, we have other friends who like, he works a ton and she works a ton and she doesn't want to clean. So they hire a maid that cleans their house. And like, that's the deal. Like, we're going to spend money on this. Yeah. I'm not going to come home and also do dishes on the top of the fact that we both work to stay out. Yeah. I've always felt like that. Like, I mean,

if you can afford to have someone come, like, clean and it's a point of contention in their relationship, then take that conflict off the table. Totally. I mean, pick up your socks, right? You know, that's not what I'm dealing with, but he picks up a socks. Well, for the most part. Okay. I feel like socks are this thing. that like every woman is like why are their socks and why are they here and why like they just keep appearing. My socks keep appearing and they're all over my house. I have one of your socks. When we did that laundry together, some of our socks got in her time.

You were like, I'm missing one of my socks. My mom gave me that sock. Like it was your special sock. The way you said it to me like your dying mother and giving it to you, do we already talk about this? It was so dusty and covered in hair or two like falling apart. You're like, shut up. Like your mom had died or something.

Everything covered in air. No, Raina, because every Christmas my mom gets me some like really cozy sleep socks. They're like fuzzy. They're like, usually been socks. And I loved those especially loved those ones. They were like very sobbed. Like every year there's one or two pairs of my stocking. If you can find them under the hair, they are soft.

They do grab a lot of his old's hair and they're white. So when we were together in San Diego, one like must have got wrapped up in your laundry. And so I was like, Katie. I was like, hey, do you have that sock? Like to ask someone, like, hey, you have that sock? And you're like, what? I was like, my mom, my mom gave me that stuff. You roasted me so hard.

And then when I came over to your house, my feet were cold. You were like, well, you can go upstairs and get your special sock that your mom got. Well, at first you said it. I was like, I'm not going to challenge her on this one. It's a hard week. L.A.'s on fire. I'm not going to make fun of her on top of that. But then when you asked for it again, then I was like, now with my moment to

shine. But do you feel me on socks just disappear? I've never understood this. This is not a hot take. I'll explain it too. You will? And also I thought you were saying like do you feel me on gifts from your mom? Which in which case, no. So some, if you take like the vent off the back of a dryer, there are socks in it. Like socks don't just like magically disappear. Like some of them have like a vent. It gets sucked into it. So it actually is in the back of the dryer. What? Yes. I don't know if I have a, I'll have to check my dryer. but I've always thought this was an insane thing. Like, I purposely put, I don't know, 12 socks, six pairs.

And like when they come out of the dryer, I'm missing some. Yeah. So sometimes, some of them actually do get sucked into the back of the dryer. Like if you took the vent and the back off the dryer, they would be in there. Okay.

Wow. Wow. Or like sometimes. Is this a conspiracy theory? Okay, so you know, the filter that you pull up, you clean off the filter. I guess there's some, I guess some,

no, I say some people like forget to put the filter back in. And then that is a whole. a gaping hole into the back of your drawer. Okay. There you guys all did. Let us know in the comments. Well, let's just stop talking shit and get into it with Mel. I mean, we're so excited for her.

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today. That's rocketmoney.com slash gge. RocketMoney.com slash GGEE. Okay. Let's get into it. All right, guys, we are so excited to welcome an amazing guest today. She is the creator and host of the award-winning show, the Mel Robbins podcast, one of the most successful podcasts in the world and a number one New York Times bestselling author. She has amassed 25 million followers online and is considered one of the most sought after experts in life improvement, mindset, and behavioral change. Her books have been translated into 50 languages

and include the number one New York Times, number one Amazon, number one audible, bestselling, let them theory, which is out. Now, please welcome to the show, Mel Robbins. Not bad for a person who fucked up her 20s, 30s and 40s. Oh, I think about me. I was like, no, I didn't, Mel.

No, yes, I did. Yes, I did. We got to hear about it. I needed to make the color of the book green because I was a walking red flag for most of my life. I hear all green flags. A whole new era. So I got to tell you, I love the color of the book. I love pink, but I can't have any more pink books in my house.

It's just, I'm so glad this is not another pink book. I have to give props, by the way. Thank you for saying that, Ash. I've already shrunk your name. I'm sorry. Let me. No, we're besties. I really felt that.

My daughter, Sawyer, and I are absolutely obsessed with Akatar, A Court of Thorn and Roses. I'm obsessed with it. Are you listening? Are you listening? I will stop them on the street. Okay. So do you listen to the dramatic audio?

No. Oh, it is. Who does the audio? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. All I can say is it is actors and sound effects.

Like different actors. There's a lot of sex in the book. It is fairy porn. All I can say is in my dreams, the actor who plays Rassand is kind of constantly talking to me. It is a whole different experience. And so the let them theory, green was inspired by the second Akitar cover. Oh my God. In terms of the green. It's sort of more of a minty toothpaste green on the Akitar, but that is the reason why we picked green. And everyone's like, green's a bad luck in publishing. I'm like, I don't give a shit. No, get out of here with that.

So stupid. Yeah. You're like, I guess not anymore. Yes, yes. Well, thank you. Thank you. I'm glad. So what did you like about it? What did you like about reading it? So I love your started from the bottom story. Yes. Like I love a strong start of like I was at my lowest low and this is what got me out of bed. I mean, I love personal stories. Like we're a storyteller. So I love how the first time you heard someone say let them with your son's prom. And today we'll talk about the other side of let them. Yeah. And we'll get into it. But when you kind of talk about let them, it kind of means like fuck them. And there's another side to that because you can't just say fuck everybody you'll be alone in the world. Right. Big time for me was the stress. So I really let things get to me, especially when traveling. So I think the thing that spoke to me in the most in your whole book was that guy behind you coughing.

Okay, so put us at the scene. So you're on a plane. Yes. And a man behind you was coughing. Open mouth. Mel, I cannot. This has been ruining my life. And I feel like we notice it more since COVID. Yes. People are raw dog in the air coughing. Yes. And when that happens, do you do that thing where you sort of imagine the molecules from their mouth floating through the air toward you? Yes. And I'm sitting there with so much anger.

Yes. And here's another question. If the person coughing behind you is actually with their wife, do you get mad at her for not like smacking? Yeah. Put your hand over his mouth. Right. And I'll even talk to the person next to me on the plane, like, can you believe this shit? And I was sitting next to this guy.

He was like, I'm going to tell you, I'm not even a big mask person, but these people need to be wearing masks. Yes. Thank you. Yes. But that really spoke to me because I consider myself a little bit of an airport vigilante. Now, why do you make it your job to actually police what's happening at the airport with, like, how people crowd the gate? The fact that people, you know, I'm saying, like, what are the things that bother you at the airport? I'm not like policing everybody at the gate.

But for an example, and Raina knows this, I was in the Skylounge and there was this man on a full volume FaceTime. Oh, without the headphones. And it was so loud and everyone was looking. And that day, I felt like it was my responsibility to just be like, this is really loud. Yeah. And I just leaned down and I said, that's so loud. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. And he like turned it down.

and got his headphones out. Great. In that moment, I was able to rectify the situation, but sometimes you can't do that and you can only control your own reaction to it, which is what you have in the book. Because actually, these are excellent examples of the power of this theory

and why dumb situations like that actually matter. So the theory, in case you're watching or you're taking the time to listen to this and you don't know what we're talking about, it's a simple mindset tool that helps you immediately identify in life what's in your control. and what's not. And the important thing to understand is anytime you try to control something that

you can't control, it actually creates stress for you. So the important thing to understand is that anytime you try to control something like traffic or how long the line is taking that you can't control, it just creates unnecessary stress and frustration for you. And we all do it because we have a hardwired need to be in control. It's what makes you feel safe. Like I need to feel like I'm in control of my time, my decisions, what I'm going to eat. But here's the problem. If either one of you do something that pisses me off or worries me or makes me feel sad or hurt or I feel like I know better for you, your behavior now makes me feel like my life's a little out of control. Yes. And I hate that feeling where I'm like, I was having a good day. I woke up positive, excited, ready to take. And

someone came in here and fucked it up for me. Yes. And I'm the only person that loses here because I love what you wrote in the book, which is that no one's coming to save you. No, but you keep allowing other people's drama, BS, opinions and expectations and inconsiderate behavior to actually impact you and drain your energy and stress you out. And so there's a different way to go through life because the truth is, yeah, somebody can come in and act a certain way and now it becomes your problem. But the fact is, and we've all lost sight of this, that other people don't actually have to impact you. Right. Totally. Your power is not in the coughing, dude. It's not in the person that's playing the thing too loud.

Your power isn't how you respond to it. And so first I want to tell you what you did correct. So in the situation that we've all been in where you literally are in a public space and somebody is on a FaceTime caller, they're watching a video and it is high volume and they're talking really loud and you're like, can this idiot?

And you start to notice yourself getting annoyed. Here's how you use the let them theory. The first thing you do is you say, let them. Let them. And when you say let them, you're not just allowing somebody to do something. You're recognizing, this dude's already playing this stuff this loud. It's already happening. The person's already open-mouth coughing, right?

The person's already treating me like garbage. It's already down. It's already happening. So let them. Because when I say let them, I recognize I can't control what this other person is doing. Right. And I'm not going to allow it to drain my energy or stress me out. But then you say the second part of the theory,

and this is the more important part, which is let me, let me remind myself that I can only control three things in life, and only three. What I think about this, what I do or don't do, and what I do in response to how I feel about it. And in the first example, what you did is you let him do the volume, you kind of looked around, you noticed the stress was rising, and then you did the let me part where you say,

let me choose how I'm going to respond. and the only thing I would say to consider next time is instead of pointing out what they're doing, I would just say, excuse me, could you just turn that down a little? It'd be really awesome, thanks. Yeah. And like, because when you say,

do you know how loud that is, it's sort of that you run the risk of them going, I do have to say the tone was gentle. Okay, good. But I also will say, I don't feel the need to do this every time. Yes. Sometimes I move away.

I don't, I'm not just out here, policing everyone's behavior. need to make it clear, but I am an extra irritated person by people's inconsidered behavior, and I know that about myself. But you don't have to actually live your life that way. I know. And here's what you also pointed out, which is genius, is that you always have power because you can choose how to respond. You can go over to that person. You can text the person that you have seen on three dates, who now has not responded. You can blow up their phone like some sort of psycho idiot, right?

Or you can say, let me choose how I'm going to respond to this, and you can choose not to respond. So I think for me and for a lot of people, what I got from this book and I was excited that you put this out into the world is through this podcast for the last seven years, I've definitely taken on this like, somebody doesn't want to text me back, that's okay. Somebody doesn't want to show up the way that they want to.

That's okay. We're all human. People are going to change when they want to change. People have always said, like, what did you learn the most from this podcast for the last seven years? And I always say, it's just let me de-escalate dating where I'm just like, if somebody wants to act as sort of, I'm not going to fill their phone screen up with a, who do you think you are?

But I think it's hard to feel like somebody, it's different than the airport example. It's somebody knows me. They've met me. They know what I stand for and they've chosen to treat me shitty. Yes. And you want to say to that person, you have judged me wrong. You are treating me wrong. But why?

This is not acceptable. And I think this book is very much what I've tried to do for a while, which is like, I don't need to blow up on people and be like, but you don't need waving your finger and filling their phone full of, you know, this is how you behave. just let them do what they're going to do. But see, here's why this is so important. The reason why it's so important, and this is where we go so sideways in relationships, is the reason why this is important is because people's behavior tells you the truth about what their priorities are and where you stand in those priorities. And it's your refusal to look at behavior as black and

white and see someone's behavior as the actual truth about where you stand. Like it's the problem that you get into in dating, I think, especially in the early days, is you're in a relationship with the fantasy in your head. You're making excuses for behavior that you wouldn't tolerate, and that's frankly not that attractive. And you are literally dating the potential. Because the bottom line is that if somebody is interested in you, they will make time for you. If somebody wants to see you, they will actually make plans with you. Have you ever noticed that it's only the people that weren't interested that confused you? But here's the thing. If you look at their behavior the rearview mirror. It's not confusing. It's very clear. Yes. What's confusing you is the

fantasy that you're creating in your mind that if, oh, only if I just, I'm near them more. Oh, if I dress a certain way, if I send a text at eight o'clock versus three o'clock, then somehow that's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you are now confusing yourself. And so you need to let people be who they are. You need to let people reveal. Are you a priority? Are you not? is this behavior that they are showing you, is this attractive to you? Or are you settling? Like instead of going,

this is confusing to me, ask yourself, is this actually attractive to you that this person only texts you when they're drunk? Yes. Is this attractive to you that the person wakes up at 630 and sneaks out of your apartment

like they're embarrassed to be there with you and you're calling this? I think I'm falling in love with you? He's not the problem. You are. Because you're the one that's taking something that's very clear, because if this was happening to a good friend of yours, you would be like,

you're an idiot, they are literally sleeping all over the place, they only text you when you're in town, you are the rebound, you know it, you're in a fantasy, it's your refusal to see it. And look, this isn't easy because you start to get all your emotions and your hopes up. And, you know, as much as there are lots of people that enjoy being single, like at the end of the day, you still want to be with somebody. You know, you weren't put on the planet to be somebody's wife or your husband, but it's certainly fun to have plans on the weekend. It's fun to have somebody that cares about you. And so it's not the desire for love. It's not the desire to have a great partner that's the issue. The issue is that we get so overwhelmed by the desire that we accept

less than we deserve, and we're doing it to ourselves. And so it's super important, especially when you're dating. You're an adult. You get to choose how much time and energy you put into something. If you're enjoying yourself and you love going on lots of dates and you love like having sex and you love not putting on a label on it, amazing. Great, but own your part of it. Stop blaming what's not working on the other person because you keep showing up for it. And so let them and let me helps you understand what's on their side versus let me remind myself, I get to choose what I think about this behavior. I get to choose what I do and don't do. And you can leave any date, anytime you want. You can leave any relationship or text chain anytime you want. You can leave any

dynamic with you and somebody else any time you want. And that's important to remind yourself. And so I want to talk about this thing that happens that's scary in relationships because, you know, you're going to be in that stage, just own it where you're out and understand that dating isn't about meeting somebody. Dating is about discovering what you like and don't like. And the faster that you say no, this is unattractive. or this doesn't work for me or I'm now wishing that oh if only you lost a little weight if only you weren't kind of stubborn in a dick oh if only like you did this I'm not talking about skills people can learn how to pick up after themselves people can learn how to be you know put the toilet seat down

I'm talking about the things that actually matter at their core yes and I love what you write about like not letting somebody's own issues and their behaviors dictate how you're going to be treated and erode your boundaries of how you want to be treated in a relationship and saying to yourself, I just don't like this and this is not attractive. And it's not like deeper than that. It's not let me do less, accept less, try harder, give you more and reframe what I deserve. And I think that we do have to let people be people. I mean, there are beginning stages of relationships where you're like, we're just, we're learning who each other is.

This is a dance. It's navigating. It's compromised. But there's a difference between compromising and just giving up your beliefs about how you should be treated. Absolutely. And I think that the thing that's amazing about this, so I've been married 28 years, but saying let them, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship, actually creates the space for actual love and commitment to happen because you're learning from the beginning to let the person be who they are and who they're not. And you are

then having to ask yourself, can I choose this person as they are and as they're not? Yeah, I think, I mean, you posed that question of right now, if not, nothing else changed. Would you want to be with this person? And we get messages all the time, like, should I break up with my partner? Like, I can't decide. And I think you really put it into perspective and you have a, what, ABC DE method? Well, actually, for this, here's what I'm going to tell you. First of all, assume you can't actually change the behavior. Okay. Let's just assume you're in a situation where you're with somebody and they just are never going to work out. Or they're not that ambitious. Or they are very kind of stubborn when you bring something up.

Just you need to assume this is who this person is. And then I want you to look at the research. Because what's interesting about the research is it's very, very clear that 80% of the things that you kind of are annoyed about or you struggle with with the person that you're with, they're never actually going away, ever. And so you have to ask yourself, is the issue a deal breaker for me? and there's research on how you can know. The issue is a deal breaker if staying with this person requires you to give up

on a dream or a vision or a fundamental value that you have. And a really big one is do you want to have kids or not? Totally. And so there's a lot of people out there like, well, I'm not really sure.

Well, you should get sure if this is something that you want. Do not be in a relationship. I have a best friend that stayed with somebody for a decade being in the knowing I want kids and hoping they will change. And then all of a sudden she's like, I know I want kids and ends the relationship. And then three months later, he's with somebody and she's pregnant and that was that. Oh my God. I like felt out my body. And so and she doesn't have kids. And so the like missed the window. And he does. Yes. And he didn't want them. That's a tough one. Yeah. Didn't want them. Didn't want them with you.

Right. Yeah. That is one of those moments where if you have to give up on your dream of living in Los Angeles, if you have to give up on your dream of living close to your parents, if you have to give up on your dream of having massive ambition and touring or building a global career, then this is going to be the thing that kills your relationship because that's a deal breaker. Because to be with this person, you have to give up on something that matters to you, which means that person is going to become the reason why you resent. and regret this for the rest of your life.

And so deal breakers are things that are fundamental. And the other irritating crap, here's how you know. Can you stop bitching about this to your friends? Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Can we define can you stop? Yeah, we love time of shit.

I mean, I guess I could. I don't know. Yes, do I want to. Right. But there's the bitching. but then there's the bitching that is actually throwing the person under the bus. Okay. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah. There's the stress valve that we all do with friends. Lighthearted. And then there's that like kind of grinding thing that happens that you know this is actually a big issue. But you can't talk to your partner about it. And so things are deal breakers because you actually do care about this issue. And so I'll give you some examples because I think what also happens, especially in this day and age, is that there's always this tendency if you're with someone.

and it's not the fucking fantasy. They're not bringing you flowers all the time. Sex isn't that great. It's a, no, nah, nah. Like, you're in that stage where this is your relationship. This is who you're with. Is this the person for me? Well, here's what I'm going to tell you. It is so easy to go up in your head and look on Instagram and look at your girlfriends who are posting their photos of what's happening out in Montana while you're slugging it out in New York City and think, oh, my life sucks. Their life looks amazing. Maybe there's a better person for me. well, maybe, but look at the person that you have. Do they have 80% of the shit that matters?

Are they loyal? Are they kind? Do they share values with you? Do they have close friends? Are you able to be yourself with them? If you have those things, you have a winner. And you get to choose whether or not you're going to look backwards in time and say somebody got away, or you're going to look out in the future at some fantasy that doesn't exist.

or you're going to look at what's right in front of your face and say, let them. I can live with the fact that they're a lousy cook. I can live with the fact that I don't really like their friends that much, but he's loyal to his friends. I can live with the fact that this person watches too much football because the other things that actually matter when it comes to having a long-term partnership are there. And if they're willing to meet you halfway and they're willing to build skills and they're like actually interested in working on this with you, you have a winner.

Like I think one of the secrets of a long-term relationship is think about a seesaw. It goes up, it goes down. Sometimes you're in balance, but mostly it's up and it's down. I believe that what makes a relationship work is you've got 80% of the stuff that matters. You have alignment on a vision or values about what you want out of life, right? So neither one of you has to give up on the big stuff. And you have somebody that's willing to be working on it with. you. And here's the key to working on it. You just can't get off the seesaw. Because the second somebody

decides, oh, did that person get away? Or, oh, I'd rather be in the fantasy thing in Montana instead of actually like working jobs here, then you're off the seesaw. I love this. I love the idea of, you know, take an inventory of what your values are and what this person brings to the table. And we have a friend that always says, you know, the problems at the beginning will be the problems at the end. That's kind of what you're saying too, which is like, if you meet somebody, they just kind of don't seem that ambitious. That will be the problem in the end. That is what will break you up. Yes. But I think you also always know. I mean, I don't know. I guess you can look at what kind of feels more superficial and shallow, like the vacations you see other people taking or maybe their job. You wanted this CEO type guy, whatever it is. But if it's really something where you're like, he just doesn't excite me. He doesn't make me laugh. Then you know it's not right. Because that's a dream you had. That's a value. You know, like I feel like, right. Raina really tried to make it work with this guy.

And at the end of the day, she's like, I can't be, he's just like, doesn't get my sense of humor. And it's like, I think you realize how important it was, even though other things were aligned. And you knew deep down. And had it been something else more superficial, you probably would have gotten past it. Yeah, I mean, I met this guy. He really checked a lot of boxes. He was a solid person, lots of friends, close with his family. I think he had a great job that I was excited a bit to hear about it.

I like how he lived his life. Yes. But like day to day, just we did not click on humor. And I felt like am I being shallow? Am I being like silly and ridiculous? But like, no, it turns me on to be like made fun of and banter and somebody who can be like a little bit, like just roast me in a way that I enjoy. Here's what you're talking about that's critical.

I think that we're so obsessed with the chase and the landing that we forget a huge factor in a successful relationship is that you're actually calm and you can be yourself. Yeah. And for you, there's a level of playfulness that is a core value. And if you don't have somebody that brings that out, you, it's going to make you feel like something's wrong. You can't be calm. You're actually calm in a playful relationship. Yes. And so we chase the thing that feels wrong because we mistake that for some sort of sexual tension or excitement or something to fix when the reality is there is an

energy match. Somebody is either a person that puts you at ease and makes you feel like you can be you or they're not. Yes, because I felt like I would have this joke that was like edging out on my body and I couldn't do it because I knew he wouldn't understand it. Right. And it's just, all my friends are sarcastic. My brother's sarcastic. My dad, I'm surrounded by like very funny, sharp people. And I, it's a core value for me, for sure.

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So one thing that we haven't talked about that's really important is that transition that everybody gets wrong in my opinion, which is a transition from, okay, we've been dating, it's been fun. You know, we both have our hinge profiles. up, okay, but now I like you. Now I don't want to see anybody else. And now I'm worried because I don't know how you feel about me. And so the danger here is you're going to spend the next six months hinting and hoping. You're going to spend the next six months going into strategy mode and being a detective and trying to like source what's happening. Totally. And instead, when you know

that this is going from this is something casual to I actually. want some form of commitment or I want some form of alignment. This is on you. It's not on them. And there's a conversation that I want you to have. And this is the hard part because people get to choose who and how they love and there are going to be times where you start falling for somebody and they're not going to choose you. But you have to have the guts and the clarity to understand that any time that you spend with somebody that is not on the same page is time that is keeping you from meeting the person who's going to be. And so you owe it to yourself.

And frankly, you owe it to the future person you're supposed to meet. Right. Who can't be in your life if you're wasting time making excuses with somebody else or you're too scared down the conversation because you don't know how they got the conversation. And I didn't know this in my 20s either. I just thought if I slept with you more, if I was around you more, like maybe this was, it's sort of morph into being in your apartment

and next thing we're kind of living together. And so here's the thing. Whatever the next level is, you want to put a label on it. want to be exclusive. You want to meet their parents. You want to move in together. You want to get engaged. You want to have the kids, whatever it may be. All you're going to do is you're going to use the let them theory, and you're going to sit down with them and you're just going to say, hey, you don't want to do this wasted. This is not something to do over text. Don't do this after sex. You just want to have a conversation and be like, hey, this is freaking awesome. I think you're great.

I love spending time with you. And I've gotten to the point where I just know that I really value my time and energy. And if we're going to continue to hang out, I actually want to make sure we're on the same page. And this is where I'm at. And I fully understand you may not be there. But I just am the kind of person that I don't want to invest time and energy in things that aren't actually aligned with what I want. And so I just want to check in with you because I'm at that point with you. I love to check in. And Ashley and I both, like, the healthiest, most solid relationships we've been in, neither of us wondered, are we together? Is it exclusive? It's, it's natural. It's normal moving in together, getting engaged for her.

It feels like the next step. It doesn't feel like pulling teeth. I think, you know, to your point of mixed signals are a clear answer. There are no mixed signals. Let's be honest. That's, I mean, that's your answer. I'm sorry. What is a mixed signal?

It's an answer to me. Right. But can you give me an example? Can you actually define what a mixed signal is? Yeah. I mean, somebody that strings you along won't really give you an answer about, like, are we together? Are we not?

Are we exclusive? You're saying, no. You can stop them. Nobody can string you along. Right. without your own. You're actually a willing participant. You're on the strength.

You're taking behavior that's very clear and you're tying it in knots. Nobody can string you along. Yes. Amazing. Let them string you along. Yeah. Let me remind myself, I get to choose how much time I put into this. I get to choose if this is behavior that's attractive or not.

That's the other thing, which we were talking about a couple weeks ago. Instead of being like, I don't know how they feel. Just this is unattractive to me. I don't like it. Yes. But I like what you said about. when you have that conversation. And you're in the driver's seat of it. This isn't an ultimatum and this isn't, tell me what we are. This is, here's where I'm at, come or don't, you know,

and I think there's a lot of power in that. Well, and here's what I love about it, Ashley. Yeah. What I love about it is I'm actually not talking about you. I didn't say anything about you. That's what, yeah. Right? I said my time and energy is possible. Yeah. And I really enjoy you. And I'd actually like to spend more time and energy with you, but not unless we're exclusive. And if you're not there, completely cool. But this has been great. And I'm going to invest my time and energy elsewhere. This would be great.

I love it. See ya. Like, if you, can you imagine doing that? The person would be like, don't go, wait. Yeah, exactly. Wait, there's no, but you let me on. And we've been sleeping together and I thought you said this. But we were going to that thing in Tahoe in the summer.

Yeah. No. It's just also so hot. You know, like if anyone listening has that conversation, you should be so proud of yourself. Like, it's a bad ass move. then go masturbate. Like, it'd be amazing.

Yeah. You also just flip who's in charge here and who has the power, right? You always have the power. Thank you. You always have the power. Like, that's the message of the let them theory. You have been giving the power to other people. You have always had it.

Nobody can strain you along. You allow it to happen. Absolutely. And that's why when you say let them, it's not that you're letting somebody treat you like, shit, you're already doing that. When you say let them, you're stopping yourself from gaslighting yourself.

And you're recognizing this is who this person is. This is how they treat me. This is what I am and I'm not. Is this level of behavior attractive or acceptable to me? Let me remind myself, I get to choose what I think about their behavior. I get to choose whether I respond to this or not, whether I put time into it or not. I get to choose what I'm doing with my life. And this isn't about being a bitch or being on a power.

It's literally about being very black and white that your time and your energy has value. And nobody else is going to respect it if you don't respect it in yourself. Definitely. And I mean, looking back on all the dating situations I've had where I felt like I was being strung along, they didn't work out. Nobody like woke up and was like, oh my God, I was just waiting for you to let me know you wanted to be in a committed relationship so we could be together. Like they didn't work out.

the only times that they worked out was when I felt like we were on the same page. It wasn't like an argument to move in together, to commit to each other. It was super mutual. And same for you. Well, here's another thing that I think is an important way to use this, which I wish I had had in my 20s.

Because I will go on record and say, there are too many times that I can remember where I fooled around or had sex with somebody to just end the date. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Literally like, get me out of here. Let's get the finale over with.

Yes. Like, I don't even want to be doing this, but I am so uncomfortable. saying what I really feel that this is the only way I know how to exit. And I felt so much shame about that for a long time. But the truth is, I think that, like, we don't know how to reclaim our power. And I hope that if that's a behavior that you can recognize in yourself, that if I'm on a date, I've had a couple drinks or I'm just on a date and I'm like, oh, God, and now I don't

know how to, like, get out. Let them. Let them be disappointed. that you don't want to go home with them. Totally. Let them be confused that you're going to take an Uber home. Let them be like a little annoyed that, no, it's good. You don't need to like see me to my apartment.

I'm good. Yeah. Let them. Let them, because you got to remind yourself, let me remind myself, I don't need to sleep with somebody because they bought me dinner. Right. I don't need to make out with them if I don't want to. If they're going to be disappointed, they're a grown-ass adult.

I'm not their mother. I don't need to mother them. I need to let them have their emotion. And I need to let me respect myself enough to know when it's time to walk away from something without having to like give something that I don't want to give. I love that. I love that message. It brings me kind of something I want to discuss too, which is other people's opinions of

you and how they control our lives. And I think it's why you might sleep with someone, but it's also why you might not start this business venture or post this thing on Instagram or and I think it holds people back so much and I wanted to talk about that with you too. Sure. Sure. One of the most important ways, I mean, there's so many ways to use the Let Them Theory because there's so many ways that we give power to other people and where we're controlling the wrong thing. And learning how to let people have negative thoughts about you because it's not even let people think what they want because that's sort of like, let them think what they want. And like anytime somebody says, I don't care

where people think I'm like, bitch you do. Like that's exactly like anybody else to say that. I'm like, I'm giving me shit. Oh, really? Then why are you talking about it? Yeah. So the way you use Let Them is you actually address and call out your actual fear, which is you're afraid people are going to judge you. You're afraid they're going to think something negative. That's why you're scared of it. And being scared of it's not the problem. Allowing that fear to stop you from being you, that is where you're giving power away. And so I use the Let Them Theory when I notice I'm starting to get worried about what somebody thinks.

I say to myself, let them think something negative. let them misunderstand you, Mal. Let them describe you in a way that's actually not true. Because the real power is not in what somebody else's opinion is because you can't control someone else's opinion. And I'll give you an example of how even trying to doesn't guarantee that somebody's going to think something positive about you. So the power is in you going, let me remind myself

that if I live my life in a way, where I know what I intend and I try my best to just show up and align with my values, then I'm proud of myself. And the thing about fearing other people's opinions is you will never, ever, ever control what somebody else thinks. Even the people that you love.

So I've been married to my husband for 28, together, 30 years. He pisses me off every day. I have negative thoughts about Christopher Robbins Every flipping day. Your daughter's here. I love that. Yes. My daughter's here.

Who covered the book with you. Yes, but like he is a slow processor. He has so many questions. I think the questions are kind of dumb. Like I'm serious. Like I was a real jerk in our marriage because I get so frustrated with the poor guy. And, you know, this is a man who is so kind.

He's a death dula. Oh my God. Oh, yeah, I know. Christopher Robbins. See, like, and I'd be like, you guys all are on his side. You have a real bitch. But here's the reason why I'm saying this.

I love this person more than anybody. I would throw myself in front of a bus to save him. That's how much I love him. And I would say I probably have 20 very negative things that I think about him every day. And you wrote in the book all the negative things you think about the people you love the most. Yes. And saying that out loud, someone's probably that hasn't read it is like, what? And it's like, this is important to remember.

Yes. We think negative things about the people we love the most. world. So why are you getting so worked up about someone and I get a negative thought about you? And here's the other thing to consider. Two things are true at once at all times. I can think that my husband is a slow walker and it bothers me

and I can still love them. I can think that my daughter has a really dumb business idea and I can still cheer for her and support her. I can think that somebody's super irresponsible with money or they date losers who treat them like garbage and I

can still be your most supportive friend. Yeah. And so giving people the space to think something negative, the space to be human, you actually take the focus off something you can't control. And I'll give you an example of why you can't control this and why you need to actually get in control of where the power is. Because the power is in you doing life in a way that makes you proud of yourself and in a way that actually puts you first. So I'll give you an example. Let's say that your friend has a birthday coming up. And it's not like a 40th or a 30th. it's like 27. One of the middle ones.

Yeah, 38. Recently for us. Yes. Yeah. And there is a big party at a place with street tacos and there's 14 people invited and it's going to be loud and you're going to split the check and you don't know half the people that are going. Oh, I'm so out already.

Right? Yes. Right. And we go up in our heads and we're like, oh my God, what are they going to think? But I've had a busy day, but I really don't want to go. and I'm just not a big party kind of person. I'd rather take them out to a yoga class and be one-on-one and blah-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Let's just say that you decide, screw it, I'm going to show up. Important to show up, I'm going to show up. You get there, you're at the end of the table, you barely even talk to your friend, you're stuck next to somebody that's annoying as hell. You then split the check. You're like, oh, my God, that was a waste of my time. You literally changed your plants.

You showed up, why? Because you want your friend to think that you're a good friend. Meanwhile, your friend is at the other end of the table thinking, why does Ashley look like she's in a pissed off mood? Why did she even come? So you bent over backwards, and not only did you bend over backwards and change your plans and exhaust yourself and not have fun, you did it so that they thought something. Right.

It didn't guarantee that it worked. And so let them think something negative when you call and say, I love you, I don't have it in me. Can I take you to this yoga class and out to brunch so we can truly bond? Would that be okay? And if they say no, let them say no. Sorry you're disappointed. I like the offer on the other side, which is like I'd like to have a meaningful

interaction with you solo. And I want to go back to something you said before about people's judgment of you and your behavior. And I think we all have to remember that people are bringing 20, 30 years of their own breeding, their own backer on their own life experiences into how they're judging you. And those aren't your life experiences. So I left a job at Amazon making $200,000 a year, tons of stock options at a great reputable company to be an engagement.

to be an Instagram influencer. And that 10 years ago was not so popular. And my parents have always been really wonderful and supportive, but they didn't understand it. My dad owns a headhunting recruiting business. And he's like, the way I would throw somebody's resume in the trash if I saw that they left Amazon to post on Instagram. Yes.

And he was, my dad supports me thinking some of the best thing in the world. Of course. He brings in, and my dad's 78. That's generational. He doesn't understand Instagram. He didn't understand how you could monetize it. And I still thought, like, let me choose me. let me try. And it led to meeting Ashley, starting this podcast. And there was a big part of me that just had to like let people think that was stupid.

Yes. Ridiculous. And just I'm going to show. Let me show them. Yes. Yes. And so here's the other thing that's really important about this. Why should your father understand? Yeah. No, seriously, let's like unpack this. Yeah. Because we assume that the people in our life have to think exactly what we think. And we trample over everybody. And there's a huge chapter in this. Some of the hardest people in your life are going to be family because they want the best for you, hopefully, and they've known you the longest. So they have expectations. And they have all their own hopes and dreams. And so when you start living your life, that is going to have a major conflict with how you have hopes and dreams for your own life. Let them be disappointed.

Let them have expectations. If your dad owns his own business and his frame of reference, which I talk about in this book, from his lived experience, is it. quitting a job at Amazon is the stupidest thing you could possibly do, let him have that opinion because it's true from his experience. Yes. And so when you say, let them, what you're doing is you're actually honoring your dad's experience and you're giving him the space to have it.

And then when you say, let me, you're saying, and dad, even though that's been your experience, let me live my life in a way that I know is actually. aligned with what I believe to be true. And what happens in that space of acceptance where two opinions can be held at the same time by two people who love each other is in that space of both of you not trying to jam your opinions down one another's throats, you create the space for somebody to actually change your mind. You create the space for your dad to be scared for you and to have his lived experience, but

then to in that space see for himself, oh my God, she's a baller like me. She's created, I actually created this. He's probably taking credit because he's an entrepreneur. And he's like, that's how he feels now. Of course, because, but you respected him and allowed him to have his own experience in life. And I think we do this with our parents. I know I did this with my parents. I'm sure my kids do this with me, where you just expect your parents to actually think the same thing you do. And yet you don't ever stop and think, this is your mom and dad's first time being alive. This is your mom and dad's first time being a parent. The circumstances of their life are very different than yours. And you forget that people can only give you what they have to give. And there's

this huge breakthrough that I had in my life with relationships with people in my family where, and I believe it was something that I heard from Oprah Winfrey. I don't remember who to credit for this. But it changed my life. So, there are people in your life that have, let's just say, this is a 12 ounce bottle of water. There are people in your life that have 12 ounces to give. Okay? That's what they got. You may be a gallon person. If you have somebody, whether you're dating them or it's your parents or it's your best friend or your sister or your brother, you're a gallon person and they only have 12 ounces to give. If they pour 12 ounces into you, they have given you everything they have to give. But if you're a

person, you feel like it's nothing. And so I think we get into these arguments with people because we don't understand the capacity that people actually have and that they have poured into you everything that they have. If your mom and dad did not get emotional support, they can't give it to you. If they didn't get the cheering, they probably can't give it to you. Now, that doesn't excuse behavior that feels bad or is hurtful or abusive, but I have found it so healing and empowering to stop and go, who is this person? And what do they actually have from their experience? And did they give me all that they could based on everything that they were dealing with? And if they did, then that's a place you can start from. But I've spent too long

judging people that were 12 ounces because they weren't a gallon like me instead of seeing, oh, you're a person that's 12 ounces. And if I continue to like pick at you, then I'm going to push you away. If I can be like, let them, let them show up how they show up and let me really ask myself how much time and energy I'm going to put in this. And people, when you give them the space and they start to feel accepted, they actually start moving toward you instead of away from you. Yeah, I love that. I love it too. Well, we just have a few minutes left with you. And I think we would be remiss if we didn't just kind of talk about the state of the world and how people are feeling. You could use a numerous of different emotions to describe the overwhelm

and sadness and frustration. I think we're in a very dangerous moment of time. Yeah. I do. No, I do because... Way to do. Because I feel that there's a number of things happening. Let's just...

Let's just... First of all, the election's over. Whatever country you are in right now, whoever is in charge of your country is in charge. And that's the let them part, recognizing that you're not going to be able to control what comes out of their mouth next. You cannot control the news headlines,

which, by the way, are designed to make you feel helpless. Yes. They're designed to make you nervous because then you click. It's extremely inflammatory. Yes. And so here's what I want you to understand. And this is important for all of us. And this is not a conversation about politics.

It's a conversation about psychology and control. You have to wake up and recognize that you live in a moment in history when the entire world is engineered to steal your time, steal your attention, steal your energy and steal your joy. People make money off of your time, off of your energy, off your attention, and off your joy. Your health, too. Yes. Well, that is your health.

Right. That's everything. That is your focus. That's everything. And if you don't recognize that this is how the world is, it is doing you no favors, you have to wake up and recognize that the only way you're going to get your time, your energy, your focus, or your joy back is if you freaking claw it back. And that means this.

It means that worrying about what's happening doesn't change what's happening. Drowning yourself in the news and doom scrolling doesn't change where things. are going. Clicking on those headlines that are designed to make you feel helpless when you are not helpless does not empower you. So stop doing it. Stop doing it. And, you know, what I say is this, that if these issues matter you, then stop bitching about it and worrying about it and prove it. Get involved in your community. Stop. Talk is cheap. Worrying is worse. Like you can actually, when you claw back your energy and your time and your focus and your joy, you can now pour that into being the change. But, you know, there's a famous Professor Margaret Mead quote.

Like the, it's, all it takes is a few thoughtful citizens to change the trajectory of the world. I'm getting the quote wrong, but you get the gist. And if it bothers you enough that person is you, by playing into this, and I'm not, I'm not downplaying how serious of a situation we're in. I think we're in a terrifying situation. I do. But it's time that you wake up because you're not actually disempowered right now. You have more power. And the more that you gaslight yourself by telling yourself that you don't have power, the worse it's going to get. We all need to wake up and say, enough.

We need to get involved in our communities. We need to be talking to our family members. We need to reach out to the people that represent you. You need to start blogging and writing. You need to stop hiding in your house. and start writing how you feel, that is how things change. And maybe just maybe it took something this horrible

to wake our asses up and help us recognize what we actually value and what matters. Because I think we also lost touch in so many areas of our life, whether it's values or it's the connection to friends, or it is the fact that at the end of your life, you're not going to be thinking

about what's in your bank account. You're not going to be thinking about the dinner party that you want to go to or the massive ring or the new bag that you're obsessing about. You're never going to see a hearse driving to a graveyard with a U-Haul full of the shit that you were chasing. What you're going to care about is when you look back, are you surrounded by people who loved you? Did you use the time that you had in this life in a way that made you proud? Or did you constantly hold yourself back because you were obsessed about what other people were doing? Like you have the power, to change your life to create a brighter future. If you're sick of what's happening, get off your phone, get out of bed when the alarm rings,

create a morning routine that sets you up so that you feel a little empowered, identify what issues you care about in this world or your community, and get to fucking work. Love it. Go off. Snap, stuff. I love it. Thank you. Seriously, we need you.

I know. We need you. Ashley and I really, it's important to us to talk about this stuff, to let people know that they have a voice, that someone hears you, that someone's on your side. And it's important to use our platform for that. And what you digest, I want to stay informed, but I have a few people. Go to the AP. Like don't go to any of the mainstream news sites.

Go to the Associated Press. And I follow Jessica Yellen. I don't know if you're familiar with her. It's just non-inflammatory, even though what's happening is really outrageous and inflammatory. Don't ever forget that 80% of us actually believe the same things. And just like your attention has been hijacked, so has the conversation and so has politics.

but we have the power to change things we don't like in our lives, in our communities, and our families, do not look out there for the answer. If you don't like it, change yourself. Mel, this has been amazing. And Ashley and I love your book. And I have to tell you two of my closest friends both had your book on their Instagram stories this morning. I mean, you are just everywhere. Change in the world.

This is just phenomenal. I'm excited that people are excited about a book that actually helps them change your life. Yeah. Because most books that explode are. books that help you escape your life. This one actually helped. Acetar. Oh, man.

Yes. Yes. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's a double header though. You do get both. No pun intended. Actually, you're next to each other on my shelf. There you go.

The same color I color coordinated in my bookshelves. I'm proud to be there. Well, thank. This is really just amazing. We can't wait for everybody to hear this. And congrats to your daughter Sawyer as well, who co-wrote the book. Hell, everybody where they can find you. Anywhere.

You can find me right here. Okay. Mel Rob is on Instagram. You guys will see her. You can't escape. kids, yeah. The lady with the glasses. In the best way.

And you guys know where to find us. Girls Gotta eat.com. Girls Gotta eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I'm Ash Hess. Rain is Rayan. Dot Greenberg. Subscribe on YouTube. And we will see you Thursday.

Have a great week, guys. Thank you.