Girls Gotta Eat - Tips and Texts for Creating Chemistry feat. Matthew Hussey

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

We are joined again by a beloved and brilliant guest, dating expert/coach and best-selling author Matthew Hussey, and getting into specifics when it comes to chemistry and attraction. We discuss the difference between connection and chemistry, how to cultivate chemistry (including exactly what to say on a date), and the "unique pairings" that make people attractive to us and vice versa. And Matthew guides us through some communication tips for moving a new relationship along and not getting into stale territory. Before he joins us, we're sharing some DM slide tips of our own and rehashing more restaurant debacles. Hope you enjoy! Follow Matthew on Instagram @TheMatthewHussey and check out his 30-day confidence challenge here. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg, and Ashley @AshHess. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Uqora: Get proactive about urinary tract health and 20% off at uqora.com/gge. HelloFresh: Go to hellofresh.com/gge14 + code GGE14 for up to 14 free meals + free shipping. Helix: Get up to $200 off all mattress orders + 2 free pillows at helixsleep.com/gge. Rory: Get a free online visit + free 2-day shipping at hellorory.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You've made a very clear statement. I think you're hot. And that person now has that in their head. They can't I'm hot for the rest of the day. Yeah. Exactly. And I'm hot. And you find me hot.

That's the important part. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Got to eat. Welcome back. We are remote. This is triggering. This is like quarantine times. It's so weird. It's like COVID times.

We haven't recorded an intro not together in so long. You guys, every time we travel together, we bring mics. We record together. I know. I don't even know when this has been so, so long that we're apart. Raina's in Seattle. I'm in the Hamptons by coastal. People are like, how long is she going to be there, guys, all four weeks? Oh, to the Hampton? Every week we're like, Ash is coming you from the Hamptons.

I mean, yeah, I live here this month. That's what it is. Okay. A couple quick housekeeping things. I think, who knows, but this is probably the last week, Doord and Burch from our website. So everything that we have on the site right now, all this stuff that you guys love, go off, snack, vibes only. I literally don't care. Everything that we have on the site right now is probably going away. So this is last call.

We have the coolest shit coming out for you guys. We have sets. We've phone cases. We have drinkware that you've been begging for. So tons of stuff coming. Hopefully that will launch August 9th. We'll let you guys know via social media. But go to girls' gotipockets.

Shop and get this last call for everything we have on there. Yes, and get tickets to our tour. We are coming to a handful of cities. Raina said a million last week. I was like, all right, tickets down a notch. I was wild last week. You'd have beep out my ex's name. I went crazy.

People were like talking about it. I like found this random little robot beep. Like it sounded so funny. And I was like, I'm going to go back in and make that like a real beep. And then I was like, fuck it. I like it. It sounded fucking weird. Yeah, you went rogue.

Let's see, we still have tickets left for shows in Raleigh, Atlanta. I don't know why I said it like that. That's not how we say it. Atlanta. Charleston, Charlotte, New York, Chicago, Phoenix. And that's it, right? I'm double checking your work. Boston?

I think everything, Boston sold out, Minneapolis sold out, Denver sold out. Yeah. So get those tickets, guys. We'll see there. We designed a really dope tour shirt. You guys can get ahead of time. Where do the shows? That's where I'm looking for.

That'll be with the new merch drop on August 9th. Yes. So we'll have that and the shows are going to be incredible. We're booking all these like opening X and just getting ready to come see all you guys. And I'm just like so excited. So Girl's Gottyapodcast.com and go to live shows and snatch up those tickets. Yeah. We're excited.

We'll see you guys there. I can't wait to get back on the road. spend the whole fall on vacation with Ashley. We'll never be a party again. Yeah. That's why I had to get away for the month in July. You know, no. I mean, people know this.

I feel like I've been here all month with, I mean, for the most part, I took a week where we were in Philly for some of that time and in New York, a little bit less than a week. I got back out here as quick as I can. Just in this, like, beautiful house. There's a pool. It's really nice. I've been out here with friends all month. And it's just nice.

I mean, when you live in a small apartment in Manhattan, it's so fucking hot. It's the hottest month of the year in July. It's just really nice to get out. And I have taken every shower outside. Like I have an outdoor shower off my bedroom. When we were looking for houses, like, we had a lot of things we wanted. But we knew we might not get it all, like within our budget. I mean, you have no budget.

And you're like, fine, you'll have it all. But we were like, once I saw houses that had outdoor showers and I'm like, guys, listen, I would really like an outdoor shower. Like one of the guys in the house, Sean was kind of in charge of finding the house. And I was like, oh, wait, it's an option. And so we found this house. It's off of my bedroom. It gets a dream.

I have not showered inside this house one time. Not once. One time it was kind of chilly. It was like 60 degrees. It was at night. I was like, I'm out there. Catch me outside. You have never been in the shower.

I actually asked you about going in there and you're like, oh, I don't use that. I don't know that shower. The bathroom. Yeah. So I've just been loving it. I wake up every morning. I have hot coffee by the pool. I mean, in the middle of the summer.

Like, it's just, we've had some amazing meals. We've gone out, had some crazy nights out. Obviously, had my hinge date. experience. And as of now, I mean, by the time this episode comes out, the month will be over. And I'm sure I'll be missing it like crazy. But this right now, we're like in the thick of the final week. So we're going to blow it out this weekend. The thick of the final week. Yeah. I have a friend here with me now, Jackie, we're going to go get lobster rolls. This weekend we might do Montauk and just really wrap it up. It was amazing.

Wrap that shit up. And then we'll figure out Dewey in August. Yeah, we'll be in, we will be in doing August. I'll post more about it closer to, but let you know. We'll let you know. We'll let you know. I'm in Seattle, which I, a city that I love, Ashley and I've done a show here before, which we love. We've a huge audience here. I've been running into girls continuously that listen to the podcast. Everybody's always so nice. I love when you guys say hi. We love it. But I came out here with Kane and met his family, just his sister and her husband and kids. And I will do like another episode about meeting the family. But it's gone great. I was thinking like, do I have any like funny anecdotes? I don't like they've been really wonderful.

They listen to the podcast so I can't say anything shitty about them. I'm just kidding. They've been great. But I was thinking like whom I'm the most nervous to meet. I think a sister is always the most nerve-wracking because moms have to be nice to you.

I mean, they definitely do not. I feel like people just heard that statement. They were like, bitch, no, they don't. The first time they meet you, I feel like they have to be nice. I feel like they don't, they don't stop being polite and start getting real until like the third or fourth time they meet you.

Yeah. But I was nervous to meet the sister because they're so close. But she was really great and her husband's awesome. And they're the kind of people like I actually want to hang out with. Like I would choose to spend time with them. So love that. That's been cool.

They had kids. They have a couple kids. I was like, what if the kids don't like me? But they were great too. But also, you're a kid. Who cares?

I mean, like, kids don't like me sometimes. Or they just don't like warm up to me because and I have some kids that I really have a great relationships with like my cousin's kids. But then other kids like I'm just because I'm not trying to get down in there. I'm not trying. They're not trying. Who cares? But when it's your family, when it's your boyfriend's family, you got to like make an effort with the kids, but also like, no one's ever going to break up with you because a kid didn't like you. I mean, if it's your

partner's kid, but your nephew and niece, can you imagine that? He's like, my nephew doesn't like you. So this is never going to work. I could see somebody be like my pet or my child doesn't like you. You're bad people. I mean, if Azul didn't like you, something is really wrong. He likes everybody. See? So they were great. We had a lot of fun. A bunch. We played cards against humanity all night on Saturday. That was fun. I had some bourbon. It was a good time. I loved it. I just, I enjoyed it. So we did half the trip at their place. And then it's a six-night trip. And you know, you and I have talked about like going home for the holidays and like not being afraid to say like, I want to stay in a hotel. This is too long to be somewhere. Six nights is

a long time to go stay with strangers you've never met. So I booked a hotel for three nights. And they're not insulted. Kane didn't think it was weird. And we get to go have loud sex. somewhere. We did family thing half the time. We're staying at this place. It's called the motif. If you guys are looking for a cool place, stay in Seattle, MOTI-F. Great view. Great location. Food's been great. I went to my favorite restaurant last night,

the Cheesecake Factory. You guys did not. Oh, my God. There's so much good food in Seattle. We got out of a movie late, which I'll recommend later. And we were going to go to this place called Din Tai Fung, which people are like, it's the best Chinese food. I'm like, I live up the street

from the best Chinatown in America, but everybody including our friend Jeremy, who's a food blogger, said, you've got to go. We tried to go and they closed at 8. A lot of stuff closes really early on Monday nights. So it was the only thing that was open at like 930, 945 downtown. But our listeners also submitted really great recs for me. So I've been to some amazing places. I'm going to go to Westward later where you and I sat down on the deck chairs.

For six hours. You didn't even have sunglasses or sunscreen. I was like, this was just crazy. I forgot that. But yeah, so it's been great. I don't really have the much else to say. I got to go to the cheesekey factory. I've gone to some great restaurants.

The city's been great. The weather's been great. Meeting his family was really wonderful. So everything is on the up and up. We're good. Just speaking to restaurants, we've had like mostly amazing meals out here. Pretty much all of them.

Maybe one was like eh. And then one was the worst. And I just feel like I don't want to drag a restaurant. It's, you know, any time unless something goes really badly, but it's a restaurant that's expensive and very pretentious. That's the word. Like super pretentious. They have a dress code.

like whatever. You can take your guesses. And it's in Sag Harbor. And we went and it is beautiful. The scenery, that's what you're paying for to like sit on the water, look at the boats. And like I love a nice meal. Like I'm fine with an expensive meal, but it was just the prices are obscene for what you get. Like $15 for a handful of french fries that are very clearly frozen. Lopster roll was trash. Like it was, it was shocking. So I was like, I was just talking shit. I could not help myself. Like that gets me riled up like crazy. prices for not good food. One of the guy friends on the group, he was like, you should literally start a separate podcast where you just talk shit about things that go wrong at restaurants.

You know what I mean? Like I'm not complaining. I'm not ever a Karen. I'm keeping it to myself, but I'm talking some shit. So let me tell you this right now. I'm going to tell you the thing that happens. So we order the saviche of the day. Okay.

We all like saviche. We didn't really care what was in it. We all like savages. We're like, we'll get the sabiche of the day. And they bring us a salmon tartar. very clearly a salmon tartar. Also, salmon tartar is on the menu. So why would there be a saviche of the day?

And also a thing that's not a saviche. It was even in like the shape of a tartar. It was a salmon tartar. So I'm like, okay, this is fine. Like a salmon tartar is fine. Again, all the food there are totally mediocre. But like we just, we called over a like server and was like, hey, we actually ordered the saviche.

And he was like, that's a saviche. We're like, oh. He goes, yeah, the savages of the day is a salmon tartar. We were like, okay. And we were like, he's not our server. Let's ask our server, server. You know, and she was really really talking to one of the other girls in the group. They were like getting along, talking about what they were from.

And we were like, you take care of it. And she was like, hey, you know, we ordered the savagee of the day. And this is very clearly a salmon tartar. She was like, well, that's a savage of the day. It's a salmon tartar. Okay. I know that these are both raw fish situations. No, they're not.

No, they're not. Svece is fish that is cooked and asked. Right. Thank you. So we're like, what is going on? So of course, I'm dying laughing. You know, I live for like restaurant interactions that are funny. I just, that's just funny. I'm like taking this in. Everybody's looking at me, like waiting for my commentary. I was like, that's like, say here's the pasta of the day. It's a hamburger. Like, what? What are you? It's not, that it. And you like, you don't even, you're sitting there. Like, I don't know a recourse. Like, do I drop to them that I eat?

out in five to seven restaurants per week. Like what I've been to restaurants before? Sveiche today. It's a salmon tartar. It was unreal. Like it was so funny. And I mean, this food, it is just totally mediocre. I mean, the franchise, I can't put over.

If they're not hand cut, you're charging $15. I mean, you've got to get the fuck out. And we got the bill. We're like, that is shocking. I got my cappuccino. No latte art. I'm like, you couldn't even do a little leaf on it. You couldn't do a B for the restaurant.

I was just like nothing. It just looked like shit. I was like, the prices here is, by the way, I know restaurants, she's talking about. The restaurant prices are shocking for what this is.

Yeah, so, and we've had, that was probably the most expensive meal we've had. And then that night, we go, and I'll drop the name of this. We go to this place in, this place in the East Hampton,

the Springs area called Rita Cantina. Rita Cantina, it's incredible. It's just really neighborhoody, incredible Mexican food. We got a saviche. We had to make up for what happened earlier the day. We told that server about it.

We were like, it was just, we've had these incredible meals. Wolfor Kitchen last night was one of the best meals I've ever had. I'm a Wolfer stand. The winery, the wine stand, the kitchen. I just can't get enough of Wolfor. All I want is for them to repost me on Instagram. But it just was so these restaurant situations, like some people don't, they're not, they don't pick up on stuff or they're not bothered by stuff or they don't have commentary. I like live for it. Like, so much stuff is happening in restaurants that goes wrong. That's funny. That you just have to laugh about it.

And it's just, I mean, the coffee gate from last week and Cevice Gate this week. I am a story of you then. Okay, fine. But while we're doing this, again, can't stress this enough. Ashley and I both working restaurants our whole life. It's fine. Everybody should.

I think everybody should. You know, it really teaches you a lot and how, you know, and I read an article that said people are being ruder than ever, which is insane to me. Like, I read an article

trending on Twitter that said, like, restaurant workers said, like, people are worse than ever. So I can't stress enough. Like, be nice. Everyone's understaffed. Everyone's stressed.

Tip 25 plus percent. But like, talk shit if you can you, to talk some shit, you know? Also, like, listen, people make mistakes. People bring the wrong food. They take the wrong. Or I don't care. Just admit that you made a mistake. Don't gaslight me. Like, I'm an idiot. I know. So we went to this restaurant the other night and it's called the Walrus and the Carpenter. And it is one of the, probably the most popular restaurant in the Seattle area. Everybody's like, you got to go. It's really wonderful. I recommend it if you guys come here.

We had an amazing meal. We did. We sat next to fans. One of the waitresses was a fan. Fantastic. Love the service. Everything's great. But we got there. at 5.30, they open at 4. And the guy was like, a little snarky with me. And he was like, okay, the weight's going to be an hour in 15 minutes. And I was like, okay, you know, I thought we were going to be so early. And he was like, every seat was taking at four. I was like, okay, you're not going to, you're not going to jive in with me. No problem. So we'll go. You're not going to feel in each other. It's okay. That's okay. So I, there's a bar called barnacle for the spillover. We went and had drinks and oysters.

They were wonderful too. I got up to the go to the bathroom about 45 minutes into being there. I checked in with the guy. And I was just like, hey, just want to, check in on our table and he goes, I quoted you an hour in 15. It's been 40. I was right on time. And I was like, okay. So it's going to be like 35 more minutes. He was like, yeah, I quoted you an hour 15 minutes. I was like, oh, like cringy. Yikes. I just also, I'm like so nice. I'm not like, I'm not like being like, tell me where your fucking thing is. I was having a great time. I'm having a drink somewhere else. And we sat down and I didn't even mention it to Kane. I was just like, whatever. And they came over. And as soon as I sat down, I got a text five minutes later

that said your table's ready. He shamed me so hard. And so I was just like, I walked over and I was like, not looking like 35 more minutes, huh? No, maybe. You had to do it and I told you so. Oh, my God. Did not laugh or smile.

He was like, your seats are right there. And he just walked away. He did not like it. Fuck that girl. That guy is a podcast too, probably. And he's talking shit on you as we speak. He's like, this little bitch came in and had to get smart. I told you an hour and 15.

and that's how long it's going to be. I was like, okay, I'm so sorry, I asked you a question. But was it? But wasn't? No, it wasn't. Sorry, you were wrong. But anyways, I thought that was a funny interaction. I always think that's funny.

I think it's funny when people are rude to you for no reason at all. I'm like, are you good? So yeah, that's all I'll have to say about that. Going to Westward later. And the food here has been great. I love food in Seattle. We can't wait to do shows in Seattle. And we've met.

I've met so many of you here. So thanks for saying hello. Yeah. And on that note, You know, guys, we just can't stress enough how much we're trying. Like, we would be in Seattle, Vancouver, San Francisco, and Portland as soon as we can. One of those cities is, it's been really tough to reschedule and we'll root them together. Like, I'm not, this isn't a complaint.

It's just always like, we want to be there. So please just like bear with us on that. I want to have to talk about one thing. Are you crying? No, I'm laughing. I'm like laughing. Like that Kanye is living in the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. What the literal fuck?

I can't. Like Howard fucking shoes. I don't understand. You're just living at the stadium. There's a couple other funny references. Chicks in the office said he's really, this is, he's like buddy the elf, like an elf, how he was like living there.

Yeah, this is just, I can't get over this. Kanye had his album release party at Mercedes Ben Stadium in Atlanta. It's a football stadium if you don't know. And then he, I probably know when him he was like, I don't like something that happened. I don't like the way the crowd reacted to this, whatever. Who knows?

He was like, The album's not done. The album's not coming out when I said it's going to come out. It's going to come out a week or two later. And I'm living here in the stadium to finish it. Did you see pictures of him? He was at the Atlanta United game the next night in the same outfit from his listening party. And the stocking on his face, he's just hanging out.

He's a madman. Like he really is. I think that he's, you know, admittedly. But like living in the stadium, he's like, I'm just going to stay. Figure it out. My talks. Do you ever see Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Bellford's like, I'm not, I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving.

He's screaming into the bike. I'm not fucking leaving. I can't. Kim and the kids went to the album release party. And then Kanye was like, I'm not leaving. Kim was like, God damn. I'm so glad I don't date you anymore. That's so true.

She's like, oh, what a dodge bullet. No, I mean. Yeah, Kim was like, Arena could deal with this now. It's so funny. Like, it's, I can't get over it. And then he's like, oh, there's a soccer game going on upstairs. I might as well head up and just like hang out. Because I live here.

I live. That is so baller. Like what level of fame, Kanye West fame that you can just be like, I live at a stadium now like, my first thought was where are you showering? Where is he showering? Oh, there's tons of showers. It's a football stadium. You think he goes out of the locker room?

I'm going to the shower. Right. Come on. There's showers in our green rooms at the theaters we do. There's showers everywhere all the time. Shows everywhere all the time. Can you imagine we just like, we do the Chicago theater and something goes wrong. We like don't like it.

And we're like, we're staying until we figure this. out till our next door. We stay. We live here. We do the beacon in New York and you're like, Rayna, I'm staying here until we go to Chicago. I'm just doing it. What the fuck? That's more accurate.

The beacon on the fifth. I'm like, I fucked up and I'm staying here until the 10th. I will fucking dot. That is so funny. I'm so glad you brought this up. I had it in my notes for the intro. Howard Hughes. Oh, sorry.

The other reference. Yeah, it's Elf, Buddy the Elf was very funny, but also a Phantom of the Opera. Like, he's the Phantom of the Opera. It's so. insane. And he gets like free range. You just like go to whatever he wants. Like that's the deal. The picture. Who do you tell if you want to live there? Who do you go through? Do you think other people like other rich famous people are like, well, I want to live in the city.

A hundred percent. I think other people are like, wait, I could just go live places. Like I bet you like somebody contacted the Met today. I was like, I want to live at the Met. I want to be at the Met after hours. So where does Kanye? Yeah, right. Probably Kanye. after where after the stadium conya he used to go live at the bet a hundred percent he would he's like I live at the Louvre now that's just what I'm feeling it used to be a castle he's like I live at for sign out so dead oh um okay we have a couple wrecks I have like one thing I just one quick thing I wanted to say I got a message from a girl that was like we needed an update on the window tap guy which it's like we did give an update there was no update the update was that there was no update. So a couple weeks back with Jared Freed and we had this incredible episode with him.

And then we, he basically told him, I told him I had like a new Instagram crush. I've never met this person. I just thought he was cute on Instagram. Jared told me to like six of his photos. I did it. We have the video on our feed. It was a stressful situation for everybody. But anyway, he didn't and he didn't tap back and he never tapped back. A couple updates. If you guys are just dying to know, I mean, I'm not like crushed you in this guy any longer. Like it didn't work out. Like Jared said, he's not dancing with you. So I think I did see one thing. It looks Like, maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe. I mean, that's what I'm telling myself.

But we did see something that I sent to you. And I was like, this looks like a girlfriend, which is fine. And that's really, that's it. That's the thing. A couple funny things about this. One thing that I found so funny, zero percent offended. I found all of it very funny was that people were doing it. They were doing the tap and they were having success with it and they were sharing that

with me. So it was very funny that girls were like, oh, my God, Ashley, I just did the six taps and he tap back and we have a date on Friday. Oh my God, Ashley, I just did the six taps and he tap back and we're getting married September. Like people were like share these success stories with me. And it's like so, they just want to share and I love that. And I'm happy for them wholeheartedly. But it was very funny that here I am. I failed miserably. He didn't tap back. And then these girls were like, well, it worked for me. I just thought it was so funny. But I'm glad to hear that it, that it worked.

And it made me think of like another thing that I just wanted to say. Like my original thing with that guy in particular was that I was going to just DM him, right? But we did the staff thing and said, it didn't work out. He may or may not be dating somebody wherever. It doesn't matter. That's old news. But I had mentioned this before on the podcast, like a guy that I was like casually talking to. Nothing really ever came of it. We still chat here and there. Whatever. He doesn't live in New York. But I think people sometimes want to know like how do you slide in there. Like what do you do? What's the tactic? And I said that I would I would address it and I never did. And I'll just, it was like short and easy. Like with this guy in particular, he followed me. He's like a really cute guy.

And I followed him back. And then, you know, a little bit of time went by. he likes some things I posted and vice versa. And I was just kind of like waiting for an opportunity to like slide to do his DMs. And one day he posted something that was like a flirty like greeting card or something like that. And I felt like that was my moment. He doesn't post a lot of stories. So I was like, this is it. And I just slid in there.

And I said something like flirty. Like I don't hate it or something like that. Whatever. Bottom line, he responded back. We started talking. We had a phone date at one point. It worked out. Like it were.

I just kind of like responded to a story, said something. semi-flirty. He obviously, like, was interested enough in me to engage back. We started chatting, and then he asked for my number. And then I actually, one night, it was like, should we get on the phone? And he was like, sure. And he called me. We did a phone date. So it really progressed in a good way. And I think a lot of times people are like, how do I do this? Like, how do I get in there? And it was like, for me, it was he followed me. I followed him back. I slid in there with something kind of flirty. And I think we've said this before on multiple episodes. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what you say there's no like magic line. Someone thinks that you're good looking and they're interested in you or

they're not, you know? Like it was, that was just what it was. And then I think both parties want to need to move it forward. Like I said, he asked for my number. We start texting, kind of took it to the next level. And then I was the one that was like, hey, we should get on the phone. Like we've been texting now for a week or whatever. And he's somebody that it's, you know, maybe still in the orbit a little bit. But I had wanted to share that because I mentioned it and I never did. And it's just, it's something. It can be anything. But I like. like the response to a story. And that's how guys have gotten there with me, like a guy I dated. We met out one night. We met at the comedy club. And then the next day, he like responded to a

story. Slid to my DMs with something funny, like from the night before. So I just think that's always an easy tactic. The window tap thing, it's, it works. You guys have told me that it works. Jared says that it works. If that's not for you, then it's just a simple DM slide response to a story can like work just as well. If someone's interested, they're going to be interested. And you don't have to stress yourself out or we're liking six of their photos because it really can make you feel crazy. Well, I'm glad that you brought this up because it's a good segue into who we're talking to today, which is Matthew Hessey.

We're having him back on the show. And he tweeted something the other day that is very much, it inspired me. And it's exactly this. And he wrote, if you want to remove your fear of talking to someone, change the intent. And it really stuck with me. And I think that like when you think about like messaging someone, we put so much like weight on it, we're like, oh, my God. And we praise so much value on how they're going to react to it.

and, you know, my self-esteem and how I'm going to feel about myself, if they don't respond, and, you know, if you just sort of reframe it and you're like, this is a fun thing, it's not that deep. I'm just going to say a thing. And like, if they don't respond, they don't respond, that doesn't mean you're ugly or terrible or not smart or not funny. It's just like, they might have a girlfriend or whatever the fuck. Yeah, exactly.

And it really stuck with me when I read that because we were trying to figure out what we're going to talk about with him. And I read that. And I love that. I love his advice. We love his advice. And I agree with you. Just get in there.

cares what you say. And again, like, that's the thing. I think people sometimes want this, like, magic pickup line. Again, I think you can do better than like, hey or high. But again, if it's a hay or a high and they think you're good looking, that's fine. It's just, it's hard to go from there. You know, like, comment on something that can strike up a conversation. But, I mean, if it's a DM slide, like a polite person that is not interested, we'll probably give it a little like, give it a tap, give it a heart and then be done with it. And that's your answer. You know, otherwise, like they're going to engage. age and that's it. That's it and that's all. That's it. That's all. Okay, what I want to hear about

your wreck. Is it this movie that you went to for the Cheesecake Factory? Yes, I had a great night last night. It is a little bit heavier. It is a roadrunner. It's the Anthony Bourdain documentary. It's by HBO and CNN. I will, I'm assuming, be on HBO if it isn't already. But Anthony Bordane is a great hero of mine. He's somebody that has inspired me. I've read every book he's ever done. Every place I ever traveled to is because he traveled there and he made it seem accessible to me. I would always watch his shows before I traveled. And if you guys don't know a ton about him, like the backstory, he was 43 before he attained any level of success. He was a junkie. He was just somebody who just sort of bopped around through life. And he didn't really attain professional

and financial success until his mid-40s. So I'm really inspired by him. I'm inspired by just the way that he lived his life in general. And this is a documentary about his life. I thought it was really, really well done. I thought it really honored his life. And everybody is in it, Erica Pair, who was there on set with him, essentially when he killed himself,

his ex-wife, a lot of producers, documentary filmmakers, everybody that worked with him was part of this. And so I thought it was a really beautiful tribute to his life. They didn't sugarcoat his depression, his drug use, things like that. The only person left, out of the documentary is Asia Argento, who is his girlfriend when he killed himself.

And I think she, there's a lot of talk towards the end, you know, about, you know, who's to blame for this and what their dynamic was like and what his mental state was. I think that she gets a lot of blame for his mental state at the end. So, take it with a grain of salt. I read a lot about the director and why they chose to leave her out of the film. They did not interview her. That was on purpose. So there's a great vulture article about it.

If you guys watched the movie and you're interested in knowing why they left her out, why that narrative was left out. But I thought it was a great tribute to his life. He was somebody who really meant a lot to me. And it's two hours. It's not a super long watch. And it was really interesting whether or not you know anything about him. And I think that it's just a good reminder. You know, a lot of people in the end said, you know, I wish I would have checked in on him more. I wish I would have asked about his mental state more. So in general, it's just a good reminder. You know, check in on people, see how they're doing. Tell your friends you love them. That's it. Yeah. Good. I will definitely see it. Yeah.

So I just like, what is going on with movies? Did you think that would be in the theater? Is that something that's like a theater movie? Like, I feel like the whole landscape of movies has changed. Like what goes in the theater, what goes straight to. I mean, COVID was part of that too. But I don't hear about people going to the movies except to see Fast and the Furious these days. So I'm glad that you like went and like we saw in the theater.

It did not need to be. I mean, I saw, you know, I'm newly into Marvel because Kaine likes Marvel. I saw Black Widow in the theater. I think it was phenomenal in the theater. I thought Kuella was phenomenal in theaters. This does not need to be in theaters at all. I would very have to watch. though. Yeah. Yeah. Like it seems like you'd watch it at home. Like, yeah. So I want to just do a quick

wreck the movies that made us on Netflix. So they put this out, I think in end of 2019, and they did four parts. One was Home Alone, which is my favorite. They did Home Alone, how they made it, all these things you never would have known. And they did Dirty Dancing. And then in that season also, I think it was Ghostbusters and Die Hard, which I didn't care about. But I loved Home Alone is my number one. And then Dirty Dancing was great too. And they put out another season of this. What? Yeah.

And it's, Jackie and I watched two last night. We were trying to figure out what to watch and I saw it. And I was like, oh my God, can we watch this? We watch Pretty Woman and Forrest Gump. No. I mean, these movies are just, they're so iconic. I swear they don't make movies like this anymore. And it's just so cool to see what went down.

Like a lot of the thing of the movies that made us, like the series on Netflix is like these movies almost didn't get made, you know, which is the story probably on a lot of movies. but like, where you're like, oh my God, like everybody collectively was like, we didn't think this was going to be a thing. Like Pretty Woman. It had a different name. Like Julie Roberts was kind of a nobody at that point.

She'd only done like one movie, Mystic Pizza, which I love it. And it was really great. So love Pretty Woman, Forrest Gump's one of my all time favorites. And I just, I looked it up because I wanted to know Jurassic Park is in there too. What? So that's going to be a good one. Yeah. Back to the Future.

Pretty Woman Jurassic Park, For Scump. So I've done two of the four. I just, I don't care about Back to the Future. But that would probably be a pretty cool one to watch. I just was never like a big fan. of the movies. I mean, they were great, but I just wasn't for me, you know?

Yeah, I didn't care, one or the other. I mean, yeah, it's not for me. It's probably the last one of that series I would watch. Jurassic Park, God damn. I mean, I remember seeing in the theater. Same with Forrest Gump. Like, we were like, this is the best movie of all time. Did I see Forst Gump in theaters?

Guys, we did not see Pretty Woman in the theaters. We're not in a lot of all. All right. Well, those are Rex. Is that it? That's it. I'm super excited for our guest stand to get. I've loved, honestly, I have loved all of our guests through July.

I feel like the podcast is so hot lately. It is so hot lately. I love it. We have so many people coming up. You know, let's just say it. We asked for on Instagram what male guests you guys wanted to have. Of course, people said Matthew Hussey. They love Matthew Hussey.

And it was just, well, it was Kane was number one. So everyone has to have Kane on. Just his time will come. Maybe. Listen, we're not just, that's the greatest call. So much Jared, even though we just had him. Like, we were like, have Jared every week. don't care. It's so much Dale Moss.

So stay tuned. We're on it. And those were like the overwhelming probably. Matt Hustline. Our dads. Our dad. So one of those people is coming up in the next couple of ways. You guys can just guess. And you guys also asked, we can just at Emily Nogowski. She wrote, come as you are.

And we got her too. We got them all. So we got a lot of really great. Come on up. Who we got coming up? Got dream stuff. And dream stuff. Oh my gosh.

We're going to do dreams. I had a crazy dream last. to tell about it. I'll tell you about it offline. I haven't fucked up all day about it. Okay. It wasn't about you for once. Rain and I have nightmares about each other. But I woke up the other day. I looked at King. I was like, I had bad dreams. He's like about what I was like the same thing. The only bad dream I have is that Ashley and I are on tour and we're not prepped and we're fighting. Yikes. We've never not been prepped, but we have fun.

All right, guys, we are super excited for our guest today. He is a world renowned love life coach, a sought after speaker with years of sellout seminars and a New York Times bestselling author of Get the Guy, Learn Secrets of the Mail Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You You Deserve. He is truly how millions of people. We are thrilled to have him back on the show. You guys loved him so much last time. Please welcome to the show. Matthew Hussey. Thanks for having me, guys. This is so nice to be back again. I loved our conversation last time. And I think was it before, was it, I think it was after our podcast that I then came and saw you guys on stage, right? Yeah, our last, like, giant show before the pandemic.

Was that the last one you did before everything shot down? We then went to Australia, but that was the last, like, US show, actually, and big theater show at the Willtern that was like such an epic show. You were there. But it's just funny to relive that time. I remember editing your episode on the plane when we were doing all this travel, like the last travel, you know? So you were like one of our last memories.

It seems like such a wild, a wildly different thing that we're going through now. And I remember your show was giant. Like, there was so many people. And I can only imagine your show in Australia, because Australia is a whole different audience. And there's so much more like, do I say crass? Do I, is it crass? I don't know. They just are like, they're so game.

Oh, they're great. Absolutely. And we were like, we're international touring artists. And Kova's like, not anymore. Yeah. They're like, no, you're not. You're not going anywhere. We're not even national touring.

Yeah, they were, the humor is the same. So there's really not a lot. I mean, we, like, integrated some of their, like, lingo and they loved that. But the humor is the same, but they are, they're wild. Like, this one show we did in Sydney, we were like, you guys have to calm down. Like, we can't. Yeah, for sure. I had the same mix.

I loved it. I mean, we did big shows in Melbourne and Sydney. And they're just so, like, it is a rowdy crowd over there. How yeah. Well, we haven't had you on the show in a year and a half. So let's catch up for, like, one second. Have you been? You've been like creating content and videos and we've done Instagram lives with you throughout the year.

But you're just pumping out content about love life relationship, I'm dating during COVID, online dating. So have you been? It's been, you know, I'm trying to find what the right rhythm is in my life because it's making content is so it is tiring. And it and it would put out so much all the time across different platforms. and then I have a private membership where I coach people and that's much deeper and more immersive and our retreat that was in person and we're still going to do that in 2022, but had to stop for this time and our retreat went virtual, which was a really kind of crazy, weird experience, but it went so well and we've now done two or three of them and they're going beautifully.

But I suppose where I'm at is just trying to find balance, trying to figure out if balance exist, but I'm trying to figure out the right rhythm for me in my life because I've been doing this now since I was 19. I've been doing this. I'm 34 now. And it's, and it's, so it's, it's, it's just been a long, long time. And, you know, the same way I teach everybody else to find a rhythm that makes them happy and to gravitate towards the things that make them happy. I'm constantly asking that question of myself, what's the right, what's the right rhythm for me today? And it's hard. Yeah. Change is hard. Yeah. Yeah. Just to segue into what we're talking about today,

a lot of people through the pandemic were like, how do I create chemistry on the internet with a person that I can't ever meet? But now that we can meet with people, we're going to talk to you about chemistry, can it grow, how do you build it? How do you move a relationship forward? Casual dating, things like that.

So I guess we can just dive into some of the topics. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, I love this. I was watching a video of yours. And it was really specific, like something you almost can say. or on a first date to move it along to the second date or, you know, second date to move it along to the third date. And the thing that I love is like chemistry is different than connection.

You know, you can connect with somebody and talk to them for hours and hours, but not necessarily have any chemistry there, not want to sleep with them and vice versa. So you kind of said, here's how you can let them know, essentially, that they're desired on a date. Yeah. It's really, I can think back. to times in my life where I was on dates. And it wasn't, I went on the date because I found this person attractive. And then by the end of the date, it wasn't that we didn't have a nice time. I didn't finish the date thinking that this person didn't think I was a nice guy or something.

But I did finish the date having no clue as to whether this person found me attractive or more than attractive hot. There's a difference. Attractive. Attractive is like a kind of appreciation. Hot is a desire. I want to take your clothes off. Yeah. Exactly. And I would finish certain dates and go, I have no idea if this person thinks I'm hot or not. And as a result was like, well, I probably am just going to leave it there, you know.

And then the next day I'd get a text that said, I'd love to see you again. And I'd be like, what? how is that possible it didn't make it I'd feel like I'd be gaslit like we've all walked away from dates going like was I on the same date as you were

and I think that happens a lot where you're like either you feel chemistry and they don't or vice versa or there's sexual chemistry and no emotional connection but yeah absolutely where you walk by and you're like

wait I'm sorry you liked me or you talk for three hours but it's like about work or it's not like it never gets to like a sexy point You know, so you're like, we connected. Like, I really enjoyed them, but are we friends now, you know? The funny thing about chemistry is chemistry will guarantee you a second date.

Right. Right. Connection won't. Connection won't. Right. Connection will mean you had a nice time. And maybe even a lack of chemistry will mean to people who maybe should get together again to try, don't get together again.

But an abundance of chemistry between two people will mean two people that shouldn't try again will end up on another date. Like two people who are going to destroy each other down the line are going to end up on a second or third date. So it's really important for those people who just shun it like, oh, I'm not good at flirting or oh, I'm not good at creating chemistry or whatever. So you can't afford to say that because it can actually cost you someone who would be really great for you.

And it's not about some cartoonish version of flirting that you have to become good at. It's about understanding what is the difference between chemistry and no chemistry. And sometimes there's no chemistry and it's no one's fault. There's no chemistry because there's no chemistry. And there won't be. That's a wrap. The tragedy is when there could be chemistry and you never get to see it. Absolutely.

That's when nerves or insecurity, self-consciousness, lack of belief in your own sex appeal and attractiveness, that's when those things get the better of you and become a barrier to chemistry. I really believe one of the words that defines flirtation and chemistry more than anything else is pace. If you look at the pace of situations where there is no chemistry, it's always fast. There's a speed to lack of chemistry. Imagine if we said, okay, one way to create chemistry is to give someone a genuine compliment that makes them feel in some way desired by you.

It doesn't have to be like when people hear desire, they think now I've got to say something really sexual. It's not. It's very, very subtle. You could literally just say to someone, you look great. Like, let's just take that. It's very simple. You look great.

Now, if you speed it up, it doesn't create chemistry or sexual tension. You could get someone who gets on a date and they're like, hi, how are you? Oh, my goodness. It's so good to see you. You look great. So what are we doing later? And immediately you get the impression of someone who's not going to, this is not going to create sexual tension.

Whereas if you get someone who gets to a date and says, you know, hey, how are you? Oh, you're talking about actual like cadence. I love this. Yeah, like how you say it. Yeah. Literally pace. If you take sexy situations and put them on fast forward, literally fast forward,

they're no longer sexy. It's like an afterthought, right? You know, it sounds like it's just thrown in with everything else. Like the way your dad would say it. Like, oh, you look great. Like when you put, you know, when I'm like, you know, like, you know what I mean?

Like, as a foot, my dad's not going to be like, Ash, you look great. You know, like, when your dad tells me I look great, it feels sexy. Shut up. I can't. This is just not like a three-week streak now, like saying something about my dad that

it makes it uncomfortable. But you brought it up first. You started this. Sorry. Keep going. No, I was enjoying the dad banter. That, even the way that you said it, Ashley, differently from the first to the second time, is just the difference is enormous.

And that's what people don't realize is the people get so obsessed with what they're saying. And one of the things about coaching people in the way that I do, that requires a lot of experience is that when people tell you, when people recount events to you, they never tell you how they said something. They only tell you what they said. So they say, Matt, I did everything you said. You know, I said that thing and I said this thing,

and this is what happened. But they never say, here's the cadence, here's the speed at which I said it. Here's the manner in which I said it. No one ever talks about those things. And that, for the most, that's where it's at. You don't even need words for chemistry. Someone can be talking to you and telling you a story or describing something that they're passionate

about or describing something passionately. We all know that thing when someone is saying something they're really into or saying something they really love or are passionate about. And there's an appeal to them in that moment because they light up and they look sexy talking about something that they're good at or something that they really enjoy. in that moment, it pays to watch someone as much as you listen. Yeah. When someone can feel watched, you know that feeling when someone's looking at you,

but you know, they're half listening. Half of them is looking at you in this moment and just taking you in and observing you. And in that moment, it feels really good. You feel special. You know that the thought going through their mind is, my God, she's hot. You can almost, it's almost like they're saying that, but they're not saying it, just from the way they're looking at you, is one of the few contexts where not fully listening to someone is not taken as an insult. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So if you want to flirt with someone and create

chemistry, sometimes it's really like observing them as they're speaking. And then when they finish speaking, you don't rush to the next thing. They don't say that. And you go, oh my God, they're so cool. So what about blah, blah, blah. Instead, you hear what they say and you smile to yourself. Maybe you look away for a moment and you look back and you say so and then you keep talking and in that it's just in those little moments that someone gets the sense that oh there's something more going on here and that's what makes creating chemistry not impossible to teach but it's what makes it hard to point out because because these are very very subtle things they could be communicated in a heart the first hug you give someone you walk up to

someone and hug them and someone like, someone just holds you for a second longer than another person might. And you just have this sense of many things. So many things are communicated in a good hug. Oh, you're comfortable in your skin. You're confident in yourself. Oh, you can let a moment breathe. Oh, you actually wanted to be close to me for half a second longer. Like all of those things are communicated in that moment. And that just that moment itself, I mean, I know we're in a complicated time as far as hugging is concerned. But even that at the beginning of a date can set the tone for the entire date. I think it's so important to be intentional. And you can teach these things. You can teach tone and cadence. And you said that people don't tell you the way they said something.

And that's because none of us know how we sound. If any of us knew how we actually behaved, we'd all be perfect people, right? And we all have those situations where a friend explains does how they behaved in a situation. And in your mind, you're going, I know you. And that's not what happened. And so if you can actually be intentional about pacing something out about the tone, I think we can teach a little bit about how to flirt a little bit better because we all walk away from situations thinking like, did I communicate that properly? Or how did they not see what I was trying to communicate? But if you take a moment to say to yourself, I am going to slow down a little bit, I am going to be more intentional. I am going to hold eye contact just a little bit longer. I think we can be more intentional about the flirting and walk away saying to yourself, okay, I took this actual. like tangible tactic and practiced it. I'm so fascinated by these things because they're so delicate and nuanced.

Even as you were talking then, I was imagining like after a date. Let's say a date where you had a good time and there was chemistry. Or maybe there was a date where you were leaving and you weren't sure if that person knew you were attracted. I just imagined two texts in my mind. one that said, hi Matthew, I had such a nice time, like that was such a great time.

I had so much fun. It was really, it was really great seeing you. Or text two. So much fun, period. Yeah, the first one sounds like polite. Like it's a job, you know which one is,

you had a job interview. Yeah. And I mean, you said something, I think in the video, it can be so small and something that you slip in, like,

I forget the example you use, but it said something like, well, I wanted to go out with you because of this, this and this, and this, and also, I think you're hot. Or, like, something just, like, simple. Like, I feel like we go on a date with somebody and let's just take, you know, an app date, for example, it's a stranger. And we're sitting there and we should know that this person found us attractive. But everybody's head is just like, do I look like they thought I was going to, do I, like, do I carry myself the way they hoped? I mean, how many times we thought someone was cute in a photo and we meet up with them for a first date?

it's like awful and you never see them again. So we're all sitting there wondering, like, do they actually find me attractive? Like, and then the other person could be thinking, like, I do find this person attractive. They should know that by the way that I'm like sitting here with them and spending time with them. But no one knows until you say it. And I'm thinking of examples of those moments on dates when someone said a thing that made me register like, oh, they find me attractive. They think I'm hot. They want to kiss me or whatever. And you, you light up like on the other side of it. You know, like someone kind of gives you that green light. And then, it's like a drug. It's like you just took a hit, you know, then you're more confident. Like,

once you both realize like, oh, we're attracted to each other, the magic happens. Yes, and people are dense. I feel like most of us are trained to think that somebody isn't into us. And we need more intense signs to somebody saying like, yes, I'm into you. You know, I want to, I'm sensitive to people being into me. And I will just assume that you're not unless you're intentional about it. So I think a lot of people are dense and need to know, yes, I'm into you. you. That's exactly right. And we're almost waiting for permission to bring that side of us out. And, you know, Ashley, what you just said about someone making you aware that they're attracted in one way or another, it then becomes a kind of runaway train because you now bring out more

of that side of you. And that makes confirmation for them. And then they bring it out more. And suddenly you've got your, it's a ball rolling downhill. The example you gave at the beginning is, you know, one of them I think I gave in a recent video of mine, that idea that when you get on a date with someone, let's say they start talking about something they're passionate about. They're really into a certain type of, you know, books or whatever. And you say, oh, that was one of the things that I found really attractive about your profile was that you were into that. I mean, that and your heart. That's it. That's the thing. Like, just slip it in there.

That's a good example of where a throwaway can work well, right? But if you think about it, the rule there or the principle there is the earlier you are, the more throwaway you want it to be, right? Because if you've just met someone on a date and within the first 10, 20, 30 minutes, you say something like that. It's kind of nice for it to be throw away because you're not lingering there, but you've made a very clear statement. I think you're hot.

and that person now has that in their head. They can't I'm hot for the rest of the date. Yes. Exactly. And I'm hot and you find me hot. That's the important part because you can go on a date and think your hot. You can feel that. Like I'm a hot person.

I like myself. I think I'm sexy. I've had plenty of evidence in my life for the fact that I'm sexy. But that doesn't change the fact that you're on a date with a new person now and you don't know if they find you sexy. So it's the you find me sexy part that is super important. 100%. So let me ask you a question. Because Ashley and I have addressed this.

Ashley and I always say that we, I mean Ashley specifically, but I agree that we don't like people that don't like us. So if you don't communicate, it's, you know, if you're not into me, no big deal. Like we're fine. We'll live. But I think a lot of people's reaction to this is that it's scary to put yourself out there and it's scary to tell somebody I like you. I think you're hot, whatever. So what would you say? We've covered this. But what would you specifically say to somebody that says like, it's, I'm scared to do that. I don't want to tell somebody they're hot on a date. Partly, I think the things we've been talking about are a nice antidote to that feeling

because none of them are actually huge risks. When you do the, when you at the beginning of a date, throw away that compliment. Like they start talking about something you thought was cool about them. And you go, oh my God, that was actually one of the things I picked up on your profile,

you know, was that you were into that and you're hot, obviously. But, you know, that was one of the things. By the way, you're being, you're even, it's even,

I mean, it's a funny thing to say as well. It's so funny. You're giving something without, there's not really any risk of rejection at that. If they don't- You would tell your friends, you're hot, Matthew, you're hot. Like you, it's not, telling someone they're hot is like, no big deal. I tell me, like, I would tell them to Rayna, you're hot. Like, it's just, let's normalize the ease of the, like, I think you're hot.

And what you're really doing there is just, you know, you're investing and testing, you're investing a little bit and you're just seeing what you get back as a result. There's no no no that can come from that. There's just not a same energy in return. So I think of it more more like that. The key to that fear of rejection is just to build gradually. You talk about that in that video as well where you said like it's just, it's a subtle soft touch.

It's not like a I can't wait to get out of here and fuck you. It's just it's implied. I think you're hot. You know, you don't have to go in so hard. Well, and the touch just touch in general. Like if a guy touches my leg on a date, like, if we're kind of sitting on a bar or we're like facing each other and like there's a leg touch, like, you know, an arm touch, like, leg touch feels a little different. You know, if it's like below the waist, like, oh, you, you'd like me. Like, you're into this, you know, like, there's something about touch. And if I buy myself like playfully like swatting a guy, I'm like, I like him. You know, I think there's a lot with things like that. And can we talk about this kind of is in the same area of like moving things. along. Let's like develop this chemistry, show somebody that you're attracted to them, interested in them. You did a great video that I love. It was very specific, which we love

specific actionable advice. And it was like six texts to send to here's if you're, if it starts to feel stale. Because I think we, we communicate so heavily with text messaging and not everybody has the tools or even knows what they're doing. So you just had some really great advice. And like, here's how to get more out of people. Well, okay, firstly, people have to remember. that there's nothing wrong with making the first move in any situation. What we have to be wary of is making all the moves. If we find that we're the one making the first move over and over and over again, then something is wrong. It's why rhythm is important to pay attention to. It's not obsessing over, the dates over, should I be the first one to text or should they? And it's not, we've not spoken

for a couple of days, should I reach out or should they. We obsess too much over that. And the problem is we then get into a battle of who can care less, who can be more indifferent. That doesn't progress relationships. Reciprocity is a valuable tool, and that's the same as if I walk past someone in the street, they may want to be friendly, but be too afraid to be friendly, because who am I? And what if they were their friendly selves and they got rejected? Now, if I smile as I walk past that person, and I see this on the street all the time, It's like a game I play with myself because I'm like, I wonder what happens if I smile at this person.

Man, woman, young, old, whatever. What happens if I smile? And it's really interesting because there'll be people who like, it's almost like they realize, oh, I'm safe. Like this is a nice person or this person's not going to, if I smile at them, they're not going to think I'm weird. Or it's like walking down the street and just saying good morning to someone. And someone like wakes up out of their coma and is happy. They're like, oh, good morning.

So that's reciprocity. the energy you want to receive. But in a romantic context, you don't want to be doing that over and over again because romance isn't charity, right? So if you, for example, today said, okay, you know what, this morning, I'd love to text this person. I feel as organic to me to text this person and be like, you know, hey, good morning. How are you today?

How are you feeling today or have a great day today? That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But tomorrow morning don't do the same thing. let them like see if they do it, see if they send you a message. It's not, that has nothing to do with, oh, so it's a game, it's tip for tat. No, it's not like that. It's about putting your energy where you're getting energy back. It's all a game of energy. It's where is my energy rewarded and where is my energy taken for granted? And so I won't know that if I'm always the one

giving energy. And there's a lot of people who say to me, Matt, but I, every time I, I, text him, he texts me back. Like he does want to do stuff. I'm like, yeah, but what happens if you don't? That doesn't tell me everything I need to know. What happens if you don't, if you're not the one to move, what does he do? And so there's that to begin with. That's a key piece of advice for people. Don't be afraid to give energy, but you've got to wait and see if you get energy back before giving energy again. The second thing is one of the big mistakes people make between date one and date two, date three, and date four and so on, is we get into these stale communication patterns where texting becomes just texting. Texting, the reason texting has such a toxic connotation

for people is because they're like, oh God, why do we have to, Matt, you're giving texting advice? I don't want to text. And I always find that funny because if I removed texting from my life, it would be, it would actually be a bit weird. Like every time I want to. to say something to someone, I have to pick up the phone and call them and interrupt their day. That's not even convenient. We're not talking to those people. Every listening to those ones to text. Right.

Just focus on them. But I do think that what people have to do is understand that there are many different ways to text within texting. So if you send a voice note to someone, that's immediately going to jolt them out of their rhythm with you. It's going to surprise them because most people don't send voice notes. We need to be better. but I feel like overall, like we want to be encouraging voice notes.

Keep going. I don't want to cut you off. But why they're amazing because it adds a layer of connection. And it can add a layer of chemistry too, by the way. You know, you wake up, you've got your kind of half sleepy voice going on. You send someone a little voice saying, I haven't got out of bed yet. I was just thinking. Oh.

Now you're building chemistry by voice. And someone hearing your voice. Now you're appealing to different senses. And that's what you've got to start thinking about between dates. If you want to progress things, start appealing to different senses, not just being words on a page, be a voice that comes out of their phone, be, you know, be a short video that someone says, you know, hey, I'm like walking down the street. Hey, I'm about to go to this place.

You could be on your way somewhere. You don't have to be like sitting at home doing nothing thinking of you. It can be like, I'm on my way to a meeting. I had 30 seconds. I just wanted to say hi and see how you doing. Especially if you feel like you're looking pretty that day. You feel good. You know, like that's going to register with someone on a different level.

Then they're going to go, oh, man, I want to see her again. It hits them differently. So vary up the style of communication that you have with someone. That's going to be something that allows them to relate to different senses. And the third piece of advice I give for this is reveal a little more of you. So if you, you know, I gave the example before about someone said, hey, how you doing? By the way, you never need to answer to the question you were asked, right? I love this.

Someone texting you is just an opportunity to say something interesting. Right. It's just, hey, I'm here. Like, I want to chat. Exactly. I wanted to have something, a moment with you right now. That's all that they're saying, really. I love that.

So all you need to do is think, well, what's something that could add to the connection or the chemistry in this moment? The example I gave before was, hey, how are you? Well, right now, I am trying to put together a piece of IKEA furniture with my mom and my dad and my, or with my dad and my little sister, and we are terrible at it. And my sister, my mom is just standing here laughing at us. Like, if you can send that, then you all of a sudden have painted a picture of your life of a family connection. Oh, that's cute. That's my mom laughing at us as we try and put it together with my dad.

That's sweet. There's something playful and fun about that. That's an image that makes me warm to you. My little sister, oh, you're a big sister. There's all these little details contained within that. Oh, you're having a terrible job putting this together. You can laugh at yourself. I'm learning so much about you from such a simple message.

But what you're doing is on dating apps, everything's two-dimensional. What you're doing is you're making a two-dimensional picture, three-dimensional. And the reason that people in dating today have such an easy time dismissing each other is because you're dismissing a two-dimensional character. The moment someone starts to reveal themselves in three dimensions, oh, you're a daughter, oh, you're a sister, oh, you're someone who has a passion, oh, you're someone who feels, now it's harder to dismiss someone because they become this human in your eyes, It's a real living, breathing human.

I think this is so important. As someone who's on the dating apps and as dating, it's like, sometimes it just takes a little bit of effort. Because if you've been on the apps and you're fatigued and someone says, hey, how's your week going? Like, you know, I have to actually think to myself, don't respond going well. How about yours? You know what I mean? Because that's the easy way. It takes me two seconds.

I don't have to think. I don't have to use my brain. But like, then we were nowhere. We've gotten nowhere. How's your week good? How's your week good? Like I have to take it. beat and I have to be like, Ashley, it's annoying to be on these apps and these strangers,

but like if you want to get anywhere, you have to say something better, you know, like I have to say, I just did this thing and give them something to respond back to. Like, sometimes it's natural. Sometimes I think on the spot, like what I'm going to say, but sometimes you just do want to say the most basic doing well, how about you? And it actually takes some thought and some intention and effort to do the thing back, you know, so I just want to validate people that are like, okay but like whatever I've been I've been basic and boring this whole time okay well just you can change tomorrow like you do have a dog you just say oh I was out on a walk with my dog like any little thing I just went to yoga I just I love that you said you don't have to answer the question you know

like someone says how's your week going you know it does not need to be good could be better great not great like answer a different question say going well I'm just doing this thing and so the congregates I mean I bet people could look at their dating apps right now and see all the conversations that went stale because someone asked a boring question and someone gave a boring answer. So it just sometimes takes a little bit of effort. It's kind of like, you know,

you guys, when you go on stage and you do comedy or you speak to people, you go on stage and you take the most interesting thing that happened to you that week and that's the thing you're going to say. You know, what did, was it Churchill, I think? Said life is, a drama is life with the boring bits cut out. And that's kind of true when you go on stage, right?

You don't give them your whole week. You run through some of those things that are the more interesting things. And it doesn't have to be amazing content. It could be the movie you saw this week that was interesting. Or it could be this funny thing that just happened to you. Or it could even just be like you say, it doesn't even have to be better, just more. Just give a little more than the average person does. I was on a date. I remember, I remember a moment when I got, I had like a feeling of, you know,

when someone tells you something and all of a sudden you have a feeling of warmth where you go, I just got closer to this person. I just, they became endearing to me in a way that they hadn't five seconds before this. When I was talking about what you up to the next few weeks and she said, oh, I'm going down to Florida to see my dad. And she said, we, we fix up old cars together. Like this kind of me and my dad have always had this father-daughter relationship where like it's our thing that we go and we we will fix up an old car. And I was just, it was so endearing. Just the idea of her having a great relationship with her dad and them doing this thing together that they enjoyed. And it just said so much. And it was it was an immediate moment where I went,

oh, I feel closer to you. I feel more attracted to you in this moment. And those are the details. It's attraction is those details that we give. But most of us, we're so jaded by dating and by the burnout of it all that we stop realizing that this is a, we're telling stories. This is what we're doing. Dating is storytelling. We're telling the story of our life, of who we are, of what we love, of what we believe, of what we don't love, of what we hate.

And we're trying to learn their story too. It's not just a means to an end. is learning whether we have stories that we each want to be a part of. And you can't find that out. You can't learn if someone's in love with your story unless you tell your story. And you can't learn if you're in love with their story unless you learn their story and get them to tell it, which is why it's so absurd to see someone in an app and see that they check certain boxes. And then the moment they match with you, you go, guys, I think this could be the one. What have you heard about their story? Nothing.

thing. Well, I always say I get fatigued on dating apps because it feels like shopping for humans. And the thing that makes you stop and pause about a person on a dating app and say, I think this is the one, are the details and has this person written something I can respond to? And are there details about their life

outside of just, just like the surface level stuff, I'm always more likely to stop and pause and respond to that. And it's the same thing with dating. Anytime you can breadcrum in some information about your life, either if to say, like if somebody mentions that they like art and you take a picture of street art and send it to them, you know, it's intentional. It's I listened to you. I heard this hobby that you have. sending an article is always great, I think, for a text message. Now you're talking about something. You can discuss how you feel about things. And I think that, like you said, we write people off all the time because of those like meaningless interactions of, hey, how are you? Because you don't know anything about that person. They become just a person to your phone that's easy to write off. But anytime you can breadcrime in a little bit of information, I saw this comedy show that I liked, do you like this comedian? And there, right there, you're talking about comedy. What kind of humor do you have? What do you like to watch on TV? Any kind of pop culture stuff and activities.

Great. So you can just have a window into somebody. And I love what you, the example you gave about the family and the car. So right away, you know she, her family means something to her and hobbies and she's into cars. And you know so much about somebody. And I think we're afraid to give people information about ourselves because that makes us vulnerable. But being vulnerable is what makes somebody like you and feel like they know you. And firstly, everything you just said is such great advice, right?

that the sending a picture and all of that, that is perfect because it does show you listened and it does show you. It also shows a generous nature that I thought of you in this moment and I wanted to send you something and it was for you, not for me. And when you're more vulnerable like that, it also gives someone a chance to see what I call your unique pairings. Unique pairings are when two or more attractive qualities that you don't normally see together exist in the same person.

And, you know, there are stereotypical examples. It's like if you found someone who was very polite and charming or, you know, like an actual gentleman, but then you get him in bed and all of a sudden a different them comes out and it's like, oh, this is hot because I thought I was afraid you were going to be this guy in bed. Like, I love it yet. You're this guy with my family, but I was actually afraid you were going to be that guy when we got to bed. And it turns out, oh my God, you're a freak. This is amazing.

Like, I've got, this is a unique pairing. And that's what we tend to, that's what tends to make people irreplaceable to us. Normally, when we have a hard time getting over an X, one of the things that makes it hard is if we've come to believe that they have unique pairings, we're not going to find again. Oh my God. I like, I love this so much. Like, I love guys with like motorcycles, I don't know, like tattoos, whatever.

And I dated a guy once who was just, it's like, I didn't see it coming, like, from what I knew about him before. Like, I had no idea. I would have never guessed it. And, like, that came out on the first date. And I was like, what? Like, this is, we're going to date, you know? Like, I never would have expected that based on what he did and the type of person that I

thought he was. So it was just like a surprise. I always say that. You know, I think people, especially, you know, I think all of us were like dynamic people with these great careers and lives. Like, when someone actually genuinely surprises you in a good way, It is so sexy. It's different.

And it, you know, we all have those things about, like, we all have the unexpected thing about ourselves. And we should cultivate those unexpected things if we don't have them. Because they are things that when people learn more about us, they're like, you want that moment of catching someone off guard. I was in, I was boxing like the other day I was with, I've been boxing for 15 years. And I started, there's a new like Olympic boxer here. here in L.A., who I started, but he's like a northerner in England.

And I was boxing with him. And it was really funny because he got, it is sort of northern accent, which I am terrible at, but he was like, you know, you give all this advice to all these women and everyone would think you're that sensitive bloke and whatever. And then you're coming here and you're a fucking hard not. Yes. And he goes, he goes, I didn't, you know, he goes, people must not know that about you. And I was like, and I was like, that's an interesting. That's like, oh, that's unique pairing because that's a very different. aspect of me than most people know, but we all have them. But whether we show them or not is a different story. And it's about cultivating unique pairings and getting good at showing our unique

pairings on that date when that person said, you know, about her dad in a car and whatever. I was like, well, that's, I didn't, that was unexpected. Like, I didn't see that coming. And then you, it also has the additional effect of making you go, well, what else don't I know? Mm. I have the other things are going to take me by surprise about this person. And now there's a mystery. Now you're curious about it. I love what you said also about like if, so if you say to yourself, I don't have those things about myself, which I don't believe everybody has those things about themselves, of course. And, you know, I guess we should sit around and for a moment think about what those things are about you. But if you don't have those things, if you feel like,

well, I don't have those things, then go create them. And I love that that's the notion of like, all right, well, if you feel like I could be a little more fun and interesting, go do something fun and interesting. That's for you, but it makes you a better partner in the future. And so it has like both effects and both ends of that are a great thing. And you get to do something really wonderful for yourself that also makes you really attractive to another person. So how great is that? And you know, it can be that I agree with you, Raina, that everyone has them, but not everyone has them activated. So when you go and do a new skill, like there are plenty of women who hasn't got a sexual part of them, but there are many people who have not activated that in a long time or ever.

And all of a sudden, go and do a dance class and it's like it energizes and activates a part of them that hasn't been brought to the surface in a while. And all of a sudden, people go, why is this making me feel so much more confident? Well, it's because it's suddenly brought this whole other part of you out that makes you a more three-dimensional person. And now you have these these unique pairings. So there's this concept of neural plasticity that we have the ability to literally change our brains based on what we spend time doing, how much we read, or there's a, the part of the brain responsible for, I think it's spatial awareness and mapping of, of areas in our minds is bigger in London cab drivers because famously the London taxi drivers have to do

an exam called the knowledge, which means they have to learn every, every street in London by heart. It's something that New York taxi drivers don't have, which is why you're always having conversations about where the hell you're going with New York taxi drivers. But in London, you say, I want to go to this street and it'll be some tiny little back street on the other side of London and they've had to memorize it so they know it. It literally, that part of the brain, I forget what it is, I wish I knew, it's either the hippocampus or the amygdala is bigger in those taxi drivers. So what's fascinating, to me about that is you can actually apply that same plasticity to our personalities, our identities.

I like to think of identity plasticity as something that can be manipulated. Who I am today and who I've been my whole life is really just looking in the rearview mirror of what I have done so far. I once asked my mum and said, how do you know who you are? And my mom said, my mom always has a perfect way of saying things really simply. She said, well, I guess I know who I am by what I've done and what I'm comfortable with. I said, that's exactly right. But that speaks nothing of who you can be or what you could be into or what you could like.

And the moment we take on a new skill, the moment we do something new, the moment we try something new, we are literally expanding our own definition of who we are. And then when we come to our dating lives, a bigger us comes to the table because we've not contained ourselves before we even get on the date. And I think some people, that's the problem with the whole like you complete me thing. You know, they're always just searching for the romantic partner to show them who they are. You know what I mean? Like especially when you find somebody really young, get married really young, you don't quite know who you are or what you're into and you kind of become the partner. And it can work out.

You know, you see high school sweethearts. They're happily married forever. But I think sometimes that's always the myth we're trying to debunk. And I think it's kind of old fashioned at this point, but kind of like waiting for this person to come along and like light you up and show you who you are and then meld into one. And it's like it's not what makes for a happy, healthy relationship. And that's, you know, I think that's what we're so excited to talk to people like you and spread that message of like become this dynamic, fulfilled person. before the partner. Or even within the relationship itself,

don't fall into the trap of saying, I got the relationship, I'm good. That is a trap. That's my hobby. Well, there's a wonderful Esther Perel line where she says, you know, we're all going to have many relationships in our lives, but some of us are going to have them with the same person.

And that, even if you think you're going to be with one person forever, you're still going to have many relationships. The ignorance of that is the danger. When you're trying to stay the same or you're trying to keep them the same, the relationship is always evolving to another relationship. I think a lot of people are afraid to not find the love of their life in their early 20s or people feel like they're 27, 28.

Like, what's wrong with me? I haven't found him yet. I'm scared to date in my 30s. Dating your 30s is amazing. You are a more fully formed person. You have those interests in hobbies. I'm not saying a 22-year-old, could it. But to the people that are worried they haven't found their person in their 20s, you know,

the more you can become a fully formed person, the better partner you are, the more dynamic you are. That's great to be a little bit older and date because you bring so much to a relationship. You're not what Ashley said, which is searching for this person to complete you. You are more complete. And then you can bring all these great things to a relationship. And also that the insecurity that we have when someone's single in their 30s or 40s or whenever, it usually comes from the comparison.

And the comparison is a false one. Because the people that you're comparing yourself to, you don't know whether they're still going to be in that relationship in five years. Right. We say that all the time. You're looking at there's the world of us not in a relationship and there's the world of them who have found what I'm looking for. Well, most of them didn't find what you're looking for.

They're not going to be in that relationship at some point. they're going to realize they didn't find what they were looking for. So that all those people you say, but they found their person. Maybe they didn't. For now. Also, also, do you, what are you seeing? You're seeing their Instagram. You know what I mean? Like, Ray and I say that all the time, but like, whose relationship are you really envious of? Nobody, you know? So that, the Instagram is the fucking worst because it literally, the couples that are shown on Instagram are like, I can't, like, this is a whole area where I just, I lose my mind because you guys and me, we're in the, we're in the wonderful position of actually knowing a lot of those people.

We're not, they're not some abstract concept on Instagram that's, you know, we can, we can actually call that, you can call those people, invite them onto your show. And then after the show or before the show, you get them offline and talking and they're like, yeah, we're breaking up. I know, like, I'm trying to say, but that happened recently where it was a, oh, God, I'm not going to, I don't Or we did, or we did break up. Like, yeah. But you posted yesterday.

Yeah. Love of my life. I know. But that's how you see it coming when they get to when it's too over the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it really gets post heavy. Yeah. But I just, I think that that's, that's so damaging for people to see because I literally,

there's so many people I've known who are posting the most beautiful message to messages to each other. And they are some of the most toxic relationships I've ever experienced. And it is so dangerous that the brainwashing that is happening to us now about the kind of experience other people are having. Some of it's real and I hope it's real. But Ashley and I know very well that when we were trying to something recently that we didn't really even know he had broken up with his girlfriend. And it had been a disaster for six months. So you guys, it's not a hot take. Like social media is not real. The most real. things are the things you're not seeing in people's lives. For better or worse, the most real pain

you're not seeing and the most real joy you're not seeing. Because the most real joy isn't what you're posting about. You're not going, oh my God, wait, let me just pause the best moment of my life to take a picture. Yes, because you're in the moment. Correct. And the most painful moment of your life, you're not saying, let me just post about this right now. Some people do, and that's weird too. Okay. Well, there's a kind of theater to that a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah. But, I like to, I'm not a big person that's going to get on Instagram and be like, I need to show you guys the dark side of this relationship. Like I, when I posted that I was so in love with my partner, we were.

And that's how we felt in that moment. I like people to know that like it is a highlight real because I'm not someone that's going to get on my Instagram story and cry. And I'm not going to be like, me and Brad are really struggling. And I want to be real with you guys. Like I'm not going to do it. So you are going to see a hot picture of me and Brad. It's not going to be three paragraphs.

I want to be real. I want to be real with you guys. No shade. I think we all just need to know innately. that a lot of it is what we see in the outside is not what's going on the inside. So it's not that we need to tell these people to do it differently or do it better.

Yeah, I think lying is wrong, but I think we need to know internally that that's not real. Oh, 100% agree. I don't think it's about shaming anyone else for what they're doing. I just think it's it is about us having a reality check. Yes. One of the reasons people have problems in dating, a huge part of it is just unrealistic expectations,

entitlement, you know, what people believe they're entitled to, what they think they're supposed to have, what they think people are supposed to look like. And that makes people incredibly unhappy and it makes them incredibly hard to please. Well, I love that you said that we discussed this in depth with Esther Perel a couple weeks ago. The expectations. We had her on. We had her on. We finally got her. But, I mean, we could talk to you for hours upon hours, but we're kind of going over. So if you feel comfortable wrapping up, we'd love to wrap up there with? I would like to wrap up with something that's been bubbling up inside of me. And I just want to let you guys know, your hippocampus is responsible for memory. So is it the amygdala? The amygdala. You're amygdala. So I read a lot about like drinking what alcohol does to the brain. So your hippocampus is on both sides of your brain. It controls your memory. Your amygdala is what gets affected first when you're drinking. That's why we're uninhibited because it controls threat and fear and risk and your assessment of it. So I just, you know, I don't want the audience to be disappointed that I didn't know this. I knew it. I knew it.

I just was waiting for a break in the conversation. That was three hours ago we said that. Yeah. But Raina, can you still tell which part does the neuroplasticity? I do know. I don't want to like, listen, we don't have time. No, you know, you've got,

if we got into all of your knowledge of the brain, we'd be here all day. We can't be back. Yeah. I'm like, do you really know what you were? Okay. I just love,

by the way, that probably speaks highly of this conversation that that's the first break in the conversation you've had. I know, I know. We can talk forever. I had so many things I wanted to say about what you send people. We're just about to do this again.

Well, I'd love to, you know, I love being on here with you guys. I'd love to come on again. And for anyone, there's a cool thing we've been doing in the last, like, we've done two rounds of this now, and it's been super popular. We've had thousands of people do this. There's a free process that I've got people going through called the 30-day confidence challenge. And basically, over 30 days, I give people five specific challenges that they have to do

that are designed specifically to target the parts of our confidence that if we change those, it gives us real measurable shifts in how confident we feel in ourselves. But it's practical. So much confidence advice is so vague. This is just a practical blueprint. So it's a 30-day challenge for anyone who wants to join me. They can go to mhchallenge.com. And it's completely free.

It's just a tool that I'm giving people to walk through for 30 days with me. I really love that you said that because people ask a lot. like how do I get more confident. So here you go. Here's one month to confidence or more confidence or whatever your goals are. And then any of, you want to plug everything else. I mean,

your Instagram at just go for it. I always want to give people something of value. That's like, I think in terms of having a free tool that people can use from me, that's that MH Challenge.com is the one that I think is the best one for people to go and explore. But people can come follow me on Instagram and Facebook and I've released new YouTube videos every week if they subscribe to my YouTube videos. We have a podcast. We're putting

a lot more effort into now called the Love Life podcast. And that's now every week I do new shows. So yeah, come find me in whatever place you like best because I'm killing myself posting every well, we loved having you again. And thank you for joining us. We'll chat with you soon. Hopefully we'll see you in L.A. soon at another at another theater hopefully. Yeah, well, yeah, I will see who gets to who first, whether it will be me coming to your show or you come into mine. Well, we can't wait. Thank you so much. Thank you. And you guys, of course, know where to find us.

Girls Gotty Podcast.com. Get tickets to our live shows in the cities where tickets are still available. We can't wait to see you all. Get the last call on merch and, of course, sign up for our newsletter. We can get info first about tour dates and everything else. And follow us on Instagram, Girls Gotty Podcast. I am Ash Hass on Instagram. Raina is reina.

at Greenberg, Girls underscore God to eat on Twitter and YouTube.com slash girls got to eat. And we'll see you next week. Thanks, guys. Have a good week. Bye.