Girls Gotta Eat - What Turns You On? feat. Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Comedian (and DANCER) Nikki Glaser joins us for a hilarious, no-holds-barred talk about surprising turn-ons (ie. wanting your boyfriend to hook up with someone else), loving yourself, loving anal, not fucking guys until they earn it, Dancing With the Stars, and more. Ashley also shares her latest dating app experiment, and Rayna recaps a family milestone. Enjoy! Follow Nikki on Instagram @NikkiGlaser and find tour dates and more on her website. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast and check our website for live show dates and merchandise. More episodes available at Patreon.com/GirlsGottaEat. Thank you to our sponsors for this episode! Buffy: For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter code GGE. Living Proof: Get a free sample of the award-winning dry shampoo with your purchase at LivingProof.com/GGE and use code GGE. Scentbird: Go to Scentbird.com/GGE and use code GGE for 50% off your first month. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't do the thing where you grab our hand and fucking put our hand on your dick like we're Helen Keller. How about we know it's hard? Papa, I'm learning to read. No, we know. Back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. I got scared. Sorry, I'm like, looking at my phone trying to pull up something that we're going to address in this intro that you don't even know about.

I love when you save things for me. It's really exciting for me. We are just back from a Thanksgiving break. and we didn't. I know that this is a week after Thanksgiving, but we didn't talk to you guys about this last week. So Ashley and I both went home for Thanksgiving. Yeah.

So I want to catch up on what happened there. You want to tell me your story? I mean, well, this wasn't over Thanksgiving, but I had a great Thanksgiving. Thanks for asking. Just hung out with the fam, just wore sweatpants for five days straight. It was really incredible.

I will say, Hinge was blowing up on Thanksgiving Day and Friday after. Never seen so many matches and people just talking to me in my life because everyone's bored at home. Who's so bored? And nothing's happened. Nobody's followed up since. But I literally told Meryl, I was like, queue up your hinge right now, Thanksgiving night, because everybody's like fat and bored and like, what else they doing?

They're home with their families. Oh, my God. And I'm home, it's like three o'clock. I'm like, do we still have to do this? I've never seen anything like it. All day? Every single guy, like, matched immediately opened with an opener. So I just got to say, guys, when those holidays, like, roll around to Christmas and stuff,

like, really get on there. and get the boost. But speaking of hinge, I've been wanting to tell you about this. This was, I think, like the week before, this is two weeks ago, I've been holding on to this so I could tell you about it. This was Saturday night.

I was at home by myself and was like hung over from Friday or whatever it was. I didn't go out. And I'm just like, you know, when I get, I'm at home by myself, I just like entertain myself. Like if I, you know. So I get a hinge match

and this guy opens with right away, ever fucked a Brit. Wow. Yep. Came right out. And I was like, we're going to do this. Taking a survey, huh? I'm going to test this guy.

Okay. I'm going to do an experiment. Great. And I wrote, no, but it's on my list. Great. He wrote, can I help? And he goes, can I help? I'm also circumcised.

So I was like, perfect. Are you out tonight? He was like, I'm actually just back from my place, blah, blah, blah. Want to come over and see what you've been missing. And I just write like, hmm, with a few dots. And he was like, you'll love it. I'll make you come so hard. This is five sentences in.

He's just like... I'll make you come so hard. I just wonder like what women actually like say yes to this stuff. Right. Like does this work? Like isn't one of these like 100% of the time? It doesn't work 100% of the time. And I just wrote, okay, smiley face.

Like sure. He's like, what's your number? I said I'll give it to you when I see you. Just message me on here. Great call. Like I'm not trying to have this guy, but I'm just fucking with this guy. Yeah.

He's like, so you want to come over and I'm like, yeah. I'm just finishing my drink. I saw I lived in Olita. Uh-huh. So I'm like, I'm just finishing my drink at Mother's Ruin, which is in no leader. And he's like, oh, fuck, I have to go to dinner. What? This guy pussyed out.

And so I was like... Because it's never worked in the history of asking. Because a guy like that, like you're... You don't even know what you're doing. This is like... And so I was like, I'm going to wait this out from this. Okay, listen, in the history of guys asking girls, this has never worked. Right.

So you said yes, and he got scared. So here's the thing. I was like, mm-hmm, okay. I knew it. I knew it. And so I let it play out. And so even in a couple hours, he's like still kind of texting me. And I'm like really trying to get this guy worked up.

I was like saying kind of like dirty stuff. And then I was like, I'm with one of my girlfriends. Should we both come over? What I wanted. My end goal was you guys can't see my face. My job is crazy. My end goal was that I wanted this guy thinking I was coming over, sitting there waiting for me and I just unmatch him.

Like that was the goal. Like I'm sorry. I don't care. A guy that's going to open. Because that guy's a jerk. Hey, want to fuck? Yeah. Fuck you for opening with a stranger.

You're a fucking asshole. I wanted so badly to fuck with this guy and he totally pussyed out. I played it out till 2 a.m. Raina. I was like, I'll come over. My friends with me were down for a threesome. Like he was dirty talking, saying all this stuff. Like, I want you both on my dick.

And I'm like, we'd love it. I like was ready. All I wanted was this address. I was like, give me. I wanted for him to think I was coming over and I was going to. And then I never come over. And then he looks for me again and like tries to message me and I'm gone. Like that was the end goal.

I played it till 2 a.m. And I kept being like, you're scared. You're scared. And he was like, no, I'm not. And he was like, can we do it tomorrow? Can we do it tomorrow? It's too long in the morning. Such a pussy, dude.

What? Like, I could not believe it. The one, the guy that's like, opens with want to fuck, can't even fucking handle it. It's so typical. That's because in the real world, you would never say that to a person.

So don't fucking say it on a day nap. With actually doing it. I don't know what the fuck to do. Who's going to say yes to that? Right. I know. this is so hysterical I entertained myself for hours

hours and then at the end of the night I was like I don't I just delete I order pizza I just deleted him because I was like

I don't even want him like looking me up anymore like the interaction's over it's like funny it's over I mean he had his first and last I mean not that he said anything so crazy

but it was come on dude and he had his first and last name I was like I know where you work you know like I looked him up in LinkedIn I'm like I know where you work now like you were not trying to be secretive at all opening with, hey, want to fuck, basically.

See, I'm so curious about, like, the people to do this because, like, I think all my guy friends are pretty good guys. Like, my brother's a good guy, the guys I choose to be friends with. I can't imagine any of them doing a thing like this. Like, but every girl I know has stories. I have stories like this. And so, like, who are these, like, derelicts of society that are just out here doing shit like this?

Maybe there's some girls that actually like that stuff. I don't know. I'm not one of them, but, like... But he didn't want to even do it. You know what I mean? It's insane to me. Right. Actually said yes.

And he was, then he was like, oh, I got to go to dinner. I'll make you come so hard. Okay, I'll be right there. Wait a minute. Oh, never mind. John. I mean, whatever. Okay.

How was your Thanksgiving? Okay. So this is, for the first time, I can't even believe I'm saying this. Like, we made history. We basically, like, this is our moonwalk. We got along all four days that I was home. me, my whole family, no fighting. Like, I feel like we just landed on the moon.

Like, this is my land... I feel it. I feel it radiating. This is... Who's the person that walked on the moon? Armstrong? What's the thing? Neil Armstrong?

Paul? I almost said Lance Armstrong. No, that's the one ball of cyclist with the bracelets. Anyways, my family and I, I mean, my mom and I just haven't gotten along my whole life. We just fight a lot. We love each other. We fight a lot. And, like, I feel like every time I go home, I'm pretty like...

I'm not a clumsy. person. I don't think myself as a clumsy person. I'm self-sufficient. I take care of myself. Yeah. Every time I go home, I suddenly become this like bumbling idiot. I always without fail, light something on fire, like the whole house. You really did almost burn your house down. Hearing the story from your mom, like not the one that you put on Instagram, like the other one. Yeah. Which actually we're not going to talk about. It was pretty serious. I actually almost burnt down. I was, it was not good. Anyway, so do you think your mom's just kind of softened since she met me? Yes. Ashley's the reason that my mom and I get along.

Thank you so much. You're all my reasons. We met in Chicago ever since. She's just like a dream. It's true, though. Wow. Well, if you guys want to get along with your parents, invite Ashley over. Do you not DM me.

Or me at all. People like, people have been DMing us all week apologizing to me for DMing us. Well, I said, I think I've said DM me a couple, like, jokingly too many times. And now it's like free reign. Like so many DMs this week about Doritos. I'm sorry, guys. I just don't have the time to sift through all of the dance. She's busy catfishing guys on him.

She's busy guys. I'm busy guys. Okay, so you guys got along. First time I'm home, like, my parents give me like their BMW. They're like, enjoy, have fun. And so I went out and then I'm coming out at two in the morning and I wanted a spicy chicken sandwich because it's my favorite thing in the entire world. Like what, it's my favorite thing is driving home getting a spicy chicken.

For sure. So I pull into Wendy's and I get my spicy chicken and I'm going to like really enjoy this. So I parked the car in the parking lot at Wendy's. I ate my sandwich. I go to start the car. It doesn't start. I'm like trying. It's like chugging, chung.

I'm like, oh my God, fuck. And so I start, like, racking my brain, like, what is this late night? What is the scenario where I don't have to tell anybody this happened? Right. Like, can I push my car down the highway, get it to the house, and then make this not my fault?

So I'm, like, running through all the scenarios of my head of, like, how I'm going to get a car down a highway. And so I can't do that. So at 2 o'clock in the morning, I had to call my mom to come pick me up. from the Wendy's parking lot. And I'm like, hey, mom, could you come Gabby? And she starts screaming at my stepdad.

No. Instead of me. I'm like, how did I create a situation when I directed her anger in such a way? She was screaming at him so bad. The battery died in the car and she's yelling at him. How could you not get the car fix? I can't believe you put my child in this situation. What?

What if she was in a dangerous neighborhood? It is too close. She's screaming at him so bad. I'm like, what? This is like a Twilight Zone situation for me. It's honestly just from what I know it is. Alternate universe. Alternate universe.

I don't know what happened. I started this podcast. My family said they liked me. I don't know. Anyway, so my stepdad had to come pick me up from the Whitey's parking lot in the middle of the night. I need to read you this meme that reminds me of this situation. My family?

No. You in the parking lot. Okay. This meme this week said one day some guy is going to see me eating a whole rotissory chicken with my bare hands in my parked car and think that's her. She's the one. Sorry, I'm just picturing you getting down on the spicy chicken sandwich and like some hot guy looking over and be like, there she is. I would know, I would know that he was the one too.

Like anybody else did all. You catch his eye. You're like, this is it. What if he's like alone in the parking lot too? Doing the spicy chicken next to me. We're both on our way home. Pre- Thanksgiving night like hanging out. What if that was like that's how you met?

That's my favorite fake story. That's my favorite story. It's not real. Like, I mean, we just look across. the cars. We both been out all night. All over your face. Right? Just mowing down alone. Couldn't even make it home. Had to pull over into the Wendy's

parking lot to eat your spicy chicken. That's my guy. And you're like, it's a small town. Like your house is probably what, five minute drive? Couldn't wait? Three minute drive. Not even five. Right. Because you were thinking you could push the car. Yeah. I was going to push the car down to the house. No, like we get in his car. We like fuck in the backseat

and he murders me because that's probably what would happen. He fixes the battery. So the next morning it was 18 degrees out. Oh, he was so cool. And we had on Thanksgiving morning, we had to go to Wendy's, my brother and my stepdad, and I had jumped the car. Oh, the pictures were so epic. I was like, do I come?

Do I knock on? Oh, well, like, I have to make the Instagram stories. Yes. So I had to go. You had to go. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways, that's how my Thanksgiving was.

It was great. Yeah. And you guys already know that we've announced the shows in L.A., Chicago, Boston, and D.C., we don't know where it stands at this moment. We did add second shows to L.A. and Boston and D.C. as they all sold out, like in a couple hours. Boston, you guys are crazy in like the best way. So this is Tuesday.

This was coming out on Monday. So by Monday, this mayor name is sold out. Yeah. We'll let you guys know on social media. Yeah, we don't know. So always follow us along on social media and on Instagram mostly. But Chicago should still be tickets available. and if the other ones aren't.

But again, like there's two shows now in L.A., Boston, and D.C., but Chicago, this venue, I mean, it is stunning. It's gorgeous. You can buy, like, seats to the opera boxes. And we just wanted to let you guys know. We've said this a few times, just to clarify, when you do get the VIP tickets, sometimes the websites aren't totally clear on what you get,

but that does include the meet and greet. So it's prime seating, best seating in the house, first few rows, whatever the best seats are, and then afterwards, meet and greet with us, take pictures, all that kind of stuff. So some people have asked, like, does VIP me meet in great? Yes, it always, always does. And typically the best seats in the house.

But for all these shows, it is. And we're so excited. You guys have been so great telling us where to come. And we're planning for March and beyond. We're so excited. Yeah, so we'll release the other cities. We've got a blizzard of emails. Blizzard, Avalanche.

I don't know with the weather stuff. Whatever. I don't know. Every single tsunami. We can't. Anyways, we will announce all the other cities we promise. We're so excited to come. I'm really excited about the church.

Chicago show because it's Galentine's Day on February 13th or sidepiece night, whatever, whatever you prefer. I originally was calling it side piece night, but for some reason, Galantine's Day, it's fine. Okay, here's what I think. Maybe Galentine's the 13th, Valentine's is the 14th, sidepiece night's the 15th, like the sloppy seconds. Yeah, you bring your sidepiece the discounted candy. Also, we're not out here trying to be like side piece night. Oh, no, we don't know about side piece night. I've never been out on a sidepiece night. I've never been a, well, I've never been a sidepiece. I've had them, but never been one. That I know of. I probably have been. I don't know what I'm saying.

Ray now you want to talk about the Patreon? Oh yeah. So anyways, if you guys haven't signed up yet, we have, you've been asking for bonus episodes. We are releasing them on Patreon. It's a membership platform. So for a extremely small monthly fee,

you guys can get extra episodes. We're going to build in some other cool stuff. But there's two right now. Yeah, there's a couple bonus episodes and they're really, really fun. And mostly, you know, we want to do more mailbag kind of stuff. You guys send us so many emails about your dating lives and your relationships and questions.

So we're going to use a lot of that as content for the show, which is really exciting. We can go through that. You guys can find the Patreon at patreon.com slash girls got to eat. And Patreon is P-A-T-R-E-O-N. So check that out, guys. And we're also sharing stuff that we don't talk about in here, some more stuff about our personal lives.

Maybe I'll share which are the guests I had sex with. I mean, I'm saying. I asked him today if I could share it. Once we hit like... Can I tell you that? What do you say? He said only if somebody gives you a bunch of money. on Patreon.

Okay. He gave me the Greenway. How many, Patreon subscribers do you think before we announced it? A thousand? 10,000? Oh, 10,000.

I said a thousand. That's gonna be like next week. Thanks, Mom. Okay. Yes. And guys, the merch, the holiday merch, because we don't want you guys being pissed.

There will be a deadline soon. I checked it today, actually. It's December 4th. December 4th. And that, December 4th is the deadline to get them by, well, A, it's tomorrow. But deadline to get them by Christmas.

I mean, if you want it now, like, if you want the holiday merge and you want it for a party or you want it for Christmas or whatever it is. Get it now. As you listen to this, hopefully you're listening to it the day it comes out. But get it now.

Maybe you can get priority shipping, whatever. We'll have all that listed on the website, so you guys are aware. Yeah. But just we wanted to give you a note, so nobody's surprised. I'm glad you said that. And then it's like, sorry, no.

Yeah, it takes up to seven days of fulfill and then it'll ship according to your shipping. But obviously during Christmas, it's a custom fulfillment company. So it'll take a little extra time. So please place those orders by December 4th if you can. Otherwise, I mean, Obviously, we'll do our best, but no guarantees by Christmas.

Yes. Okay. Okay, guys, we are so excited. Today we have an amazing comedian in the studio with us. She was on Dancing with the Stars this season. She is the host of You Up on Sirius XM. Please welcome Nikki Glazer. Hey, guys.

Hey, dancer. Nikki Glazer. I am obsessed with that being part of my credits now. Like, it's the only credit I want. You look so hot on that show. Thank you. Did you do a lot? It's crazy.

Did I do a lot? of what? I don't know. Exercise? Or like, like, work? I mean, you're really thin. I was really fit. You looked insane though.

Because I was like, I was running so much and, and really pouring myself into exercise because I was like feeling crazy. Like, you know, I've just, when I go through stress, I just exercise a ton. And so I was, when I got asked to do it, I was like, oh, good. I'm already kind of really fit. Like, I could run a race or something. So I was like, okay, I can at least jump in it. And I'm a bad dancer, so at least I have that going for me that I can, that I'm fit.

And then I show up and, um, My fitness really didn't matter. Really? It really didn't. I was such a bad dancer. Like, I knew going in. No one knew. No one knew.

I told everyone I go, I'm the worst dancer you'll ever meet. You did an audition before they put you in national television. They were like, just get out there, girl. They just, I think looking at me, you think she can probably, if I can do something. Yeah. Were you the worst? No.

Okay. No. The thing is, I probably, day one, probably. Me and probably grocery store Joe were two of the worst. And Bobby Bowie. was really bad too starting out. Apparently won, I guess. He won.

I didn't know that I could have won being a terrible dancer. But Bobby Bones... Proves it, yeah. For sure. It's like when I go to the liquor store and I pick the prettiest bottle. I don't know what's in it.

It's just a good bottle. Yep. Like, that's why he won. It's just like a good outer shell. Yeah, he... There's a lot of reasons he won, but dancing is not one of them. Right.

Like he wasn't the best dancer, clearly because there were so many better dancers than Bobby Bones and myself and grocery store's 17-year-old. old for one. Oh my god. I can't even handle it. Milo Mannheim. When is he going to be 18? When can we like I'm counting down. I have like an advent calendar like to his 18 percent. We have one of those weird GeoCity's websites that's like the countdown till he's 18. Like one of those Mary Kate and Ashley Perbs back. I watched it with my mom and I was just sitting there like I'm feeling like turned on next to my mom.

He's so adorable. I love him so much. He's my friend. So I feel bad even saying this. But all I tell him is like you're going to you're going to be the. biggest heartthrob our generation will ever know. I predict it. He is going to be the hottest guy. He's going to be People Magazine's like most hot guy. For sure. I don't know that that's the name that they give that. Like next year. He's 18th birthday. But yeah, we were talking about him before. Not statutorily rapable. Milo Mannheim, we watched Become a Man on the finale of Dancing with the Stars. We saw it happen. Yes. The squeaky voice left and he emerged from that last dance. He went through puberty on the show. I'm not kidding you. Ladies listening to this, there's two dances you got to go look up.

Milo Mannheim, his finale. I believe it was a tango, but it just looked for the one he did with Whitney, his finale dance, his freestyle finale. Freestyle, the freestyle one. It's called the freestyle. The umbrellas. Umbrella's, water.

Water everywhere. That's just my personal experience. I was wet. There was water and my personally, yes. Oh my God, I know his mom. I'm so, this is just, I could have, I could have babysat for him. Actually, I couldn't have because I was too old to babysit for him.

He was born. He posted a picture on his Instagram of like the day that everyone was voting, whatever day that was, like less than a month ago. And he posted a picture of like voting for Obama with his mom in 2008. And he was the child. He was the tiniest. I was like, why is this guy that's so hot right now posting a picture that wasn't so far ago when he was a child? It made me feel so weird.

We were like in our 20s voting for Obama. He was like a seven year old. He was a seven year old with his mom like with like a, you know, a fake I voted Sigger because he was so far away from. He still can't vote. He still can't vote. We think someone is hot who can't legally vote. Oh dear.

We're going to get emails about like promoting. His band base is insane. Promoting having sex with children. I get it. I get it. It's not appropriate. I'm not appropriate. I'm guys.

Chill out. No, not even my. I'm months away from trying to do that. I'm just kidding. He is a child. I am totally kidding. Annie is my friend. I'm disgusted by this on every level. I don't know if I'm single long enough. I might try to fuck.

Oh, God. How young would you go? Because there were some dancers on this show where I was like, okay, I have my age of wear the cap. I did a 24 year earlier this year earlier this year when we first started the podcast. I don't know. That's pretty young. That's pretty young. That's probably the limit. I don't think I would like trust them with my heart and my feelings. But I would like just almost like, well, my whole new thing in like, like, is that I don't, I'm not like banging people. And so, like, I'm not, yeah. So are you dating?

Oh, yeah. So let's introduce myself. I'm so sorry. No, this is our fault completely. We always get like 30 minutes into a show. Entry with Dancing with the Stars and you, I won't shut up. I love it. We get 30 minutes into a show and we're like, we've never introed the person.

Okay, good. I'm glad. Okay, so, no, we introed you. You did, you did. Are you dating? Are you in a relationship with anybody? If you would have asked me a week ago, I would have said yes. If you asked me now, I say, I don't know.

Okay. And if you ask me tomorrow. I'll probably say no. Like I don't, and then the next day I'll say yes again. It is so up and down. But no, I think I can, I would like to go public with I am very, very single because, yeah, and a week ago I wouldn't have said that. But, you know, I think that I've been off and on with someone for like six years.

And it was just kind of getting back on. But we both are long distance. And now I think it's like maybe we're putting a pin in it for now until that can maybe happen down the road. It's tough. It's like a marriage. Like being with someone off. on this long. It's like, it feels like a marriage at this point. And it feels like we're separated

right now. And he doesn't live here. No, he doesn't live here. He lives in Los Angeles. So we've been broken up officially for like a year, over a year. And so, um, we were just kind of easing maybe back into getting back together. But I don't, I don't know that that's happening yet. It's probably hard to get back together long distance. You know, like you don't have the foundation already. Yeah. I mean, you have the foundation, but you know what I mean. We travel a lot too for comedy. So does that make it hard to date? Um, yes. It makes it really hard to date and I just keep dating other people and then I realize that, you know, he is so great in so many ways. And I look back at him and I'm like, oh, I just, and I'm kind of getting to that part of my life

where I want to like partner up for a little bit. Yeah. I'm not even a mean forever. I just want to get married for like a little bit. Yeah. Right. I just want to give it a try and it will probably fail because everything. I was supposed to get engaged this year. It was the whole plan. Really? I was. I think that's like a fun goal. She has five weeks. I don't know. She's like, bitching him out. Right. There's still time. Well, you don't, you said you don't want kids, so there's not a huge rush. No, there's, and you know, I'm open to the idea, but I'm not, it's not something that I need at all, uh, or even necessarily want, but I do, I'm like, oh, I want to just like do this life with someone.

Like I feel, I'm starting to feel that a big time. And, um, and so I kind of just, I'm straddling this world of like get back with someone I've been with off and on with for six years and there's this foundation there. It's so comfortable. But there obviously has its flaws because we've broken up. We don't live in the same city, but it's always there, and it's always nice, and we just love each other and all these things. And then it's dating other people. And like you guys have said, like, I listened to a podcast of yours from before, and I just really related how you were talking

about going on Bumble dates. And which one of you has never been on a second Bumble date in a row? Either of us. Well, yeah, I was talked about how I never went on the second one. You had like a one plan and then you canceled it right before. And I canceled it. Still haven't. I did. I think I broke it once, but it wasn't even a date. We just like hooked up and I was like, you have to leave. It's so hard to go on these dates. It really, really. really, it's the, it's on the things of, you said it best, you were like on the list of things to do it.

It's just last on the list to go to a lunch with a stranger. It's just like a job interview. Like, what are we doing? I downloaded Raya again the other night, you know. Do you think those guys, well, Katie Strina, who we had on the thing, I was saying I wanted to get on Raya, like, get accepted. And she was like, because you like gay men? And I was like, no, because, and she was like, because you like gay men.

Like, she was, like, convinced nobody's straight on there. Yeah. It's, I don't think there's, I think there's straight men, but they come off. real gay on there because here's the thing that's the problem with the app. There's a couple of problems with these apps fundamentally. Bumble, the problem is the women have to reach out first. I don't like girls.

I don't do Bumble. Guys don't want girls who reach out first. They don't like it. It immediately puts you into a position of a masculine role of being the aggressor. And most guys, not all guys, but most guys don't like that. So you're setting yourself up for failure by even starting the, like, going on the app

and like you can do, I've met people a couple who meet on Bumble and the way they do it is like the girl, will extend, or the guy will extend the time for the girl to talk to them. That's their way to show they want to talk to you. Yes. So that means they've come at you first. So in that case, it can work. Right.

But I feel like a girl reaching out, it doesn't, when girls ask out guys, it just doesn't, it doesn't work for me. But, um, no, we are not. And then Raya, every guy looks gay because they have to make a little montage video of them to, oh, yeah. The way they have works is, yeah, they pick a song. Okay. Oh, there's a song. You pick a song that represents you. Yes, you pick a song.

And then a bunch of pictures play as like a slide show. And they fade in and out to the song. So you come across as gay because you put it on this little movie. You've made this little movie presentation. And only your mom would make of you. Yes. It's so narcissistic. And all these guys are like photographers or models.

I call it DJ's jumping off of yachts. That's what Raya is. It's every guy has a picture of him jumping off the yacht, a yacht in Mekanos or wherever the hell. and I've met a couple people in there, but I downloaded it the other night because it's the first one that I go to because if it's not Bumble,

then Hinge was fine. But I also, I want to meet someone who works in the business. I don't want to meet. I can't do regular guys. Like in the entertainment industry or a comedian specifically? No, just like a guy who's super successful. Would you want a guy that is a fan? No.

Right. But I want a guy who respects what I do. Oh, I'll know. And is a fan of like the thing that I do. but like likes to watch me like for what I wanted to guy but I agree I don't want somebody that like listens to the show all the time but like is excited

I mean that's why I try to fuck all of our guests I like narcissists I like that it's just it feels weird that they know everything about my love life already that's kind of what's weird to walk into but whatever we don't I think there's some things that are good about that my ex always used to say and I give him a lot of credit for this he never watched anything I didn't

it wasn't because he wasn't interested or didn't care or didn't think I was amazing what I do he was just like he just thought that was like my work and he's like, I like who you are with me. I don't need to watch these things. Where you, like, play a role on stage, kind of? Yeah, where, exactly. I think, and he let me talk about him on stage

anytime I wanted to say anything I wanted, but he wasn't, like, craving to watch my performances. And a part of me was hurt by that, but a part of me, like, it wasn't personal. I know that, but, but it's, like I said, it's like, these guys are damned if they do and damned if they don't with me. Yeah.

It's not easy dating me, I'm realizing. I just realize I'm kind of, I'm crazy. sometimes. I feel like that too. We're all crazy and like I'm not running from it anymore. Like I make so many missteps. I will admit to it when I do with guys and I'm trying my best and I'm a good person. And-

Well, find me like a funny, cool girl that's not a little crazy. You can't. No, you can't. They're not out there. I just- Like you can find a cool, chill girl, but is she going to entertain you forever? No. Oh, and that's why I always say, like, I'm the Giselle Buncheon of personalities.

Like, and that's why I don't mind my boyfriend having sex with other. girls because you'll find better girls to have sex with, like, hotter girls for sure, better blow jobs, better pussy, literally, figuratively. But like, personality wise, uh, uh, good luck, sir. Like, you're never going to find someone who's a more fun hang than me. And if you do, cool, I want to meet her. Honestly, bring her around. That's exactly how I feel. I don't, like, I'm not the hottest girl you're ever going to date? Like, I don't care. But that comes with age, I think, like, as you're growing up a little bit, like, I used to want to,

I've leaned in in my 30s to, like, I know what I am. I know I'm not a 10. I know. And that's fine. Like, I know that my weight fluctuates and that my tits aren't where they used to be. That's fine. Yeah. You know, but, like, there isn't going to be anybody that's more fun or more exciting

or smart or interesting. I mean, other than the two of you. I know. It's like, I have a couple women that I'm like, okay, if he met them, he might be dazzled. But guess what, I'm already dazzled by them. I'm this in a way. Like there's a couple girls I, like, look up to that if an ex of mine dated them, I'd be like a little heartbroken because I think they're cooler,

funny or pretty, whatever it is, all like the total package. But hasn't happened yet. It's not going to happen. They always downgrade. And if those girls get them, then you can look at those girls and be like, oh, honey, I'm so sorry. But they're better for you than, like, they're better for that guy than you were maybe. If my boyfriend meets a girl that he falls in love with, go be with her.

The worst thing I can do is, like, stop you from being. with someone you want to go be with. Like, then you will resent me. So, but the thing is, when you tell these guys, go do whatever you want, guess what they don't want to do, anything they want to want to. There you are, ladies. It honestly works.

When you tell a guy that he can't look at other women, that he can't fuck other women, that he can talk to other women, they resent you. And, I mean, I'm not asking women to say, you can fuck anyone you want. I know that is like the no girl. Most women can't do that.

And I have been with you, ladies. but I've found that when I've told my boyfriend like, yeah, you can get a blowjob this weekend or do whatever. Like, I'm not in town, so like hook up and whatever. So how's that worked for you? They don't do it because they're like, they're like, I don't need to. What's your deal with like your boyfriend when you're with him, hooking up with other girls?

I discovered this on my own. Like, it wasn't, you know, how any kind of sex thing that you discover about yourself, you're just kind of like you ease into it and you're like, do I like this? I always, when hooking up with my ex, the one that I was with for six years. In the beginning of a relationship, and I didn't have much experience in a relationship

or with, like, sex. I quit drinking right before we got together. And before that, all the sex I had was, like, wasted sex. Didn't really remember it. Wasn't, like, building any skill, not good at sex. Always blacked out for it. Just really scared of sex. And I didn't have sex until I was 21.

And then I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 24. So I was really stunted sexually. Okay. And then I quit drinking, and that became a whole other thing because then it's like sober sex is like a mountain that you're like, I'm not ready to climb this. Yeah.

I mean... I'm still figuring out how to... Name. How to... Oh my God. Sober sex I could talk about all day long. Was he sober? Yeah.

He has never drank in his whole life. And I didn't know that when I first met him, I thought he was drunk because he was so fun. And I, like, wrote him off immediately because I had just gotten sober. And I was like, I'm not going to date a guy who drinks. I was like, that guy's too fun, too cool. Too fun to be sober.

Two life of the party. He's got to be drunk. And I totally wrote him off. And I worked with him at the time. And then one day at work, people were like, Oh, yeah, Chris doesn't drink. And I'm like, what? I'm like, he's my dream man.

Like, and he's never drank. And I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing. That's crazy. So not somebody that has problems. Without alcoholism, he just never drank. Just never drank. Just saw the way that his friends acted when they got drunk was like, I don't want to look like that.

Just a smart, very controlled person. But, like, made a good decision for himself and it's worked out. And, okay, so when we first got together, like, I just started wanting to hear about, like, past hookups of his, like, while you were hucking up? Yeah, like, we would be, like, hooking up. And, like, it would, like, me going to be like, okay, so tell me about this girl.

And I felt bad because I didn't want him to think I was trying to get him in trouble because that's what girls do a lot of times. Being you? Oh, so like, what did she look like or whatever? I was honestly like getting turned on by it. But he was like a little bit cagey about at first because it was just weird for me to be like, wait, tell me about how you guys ended up hooking up and like what was the circumstance and how did you lean in for a kiss?

And like I wanted every detail about like the hot hookup. And so then he got into telling me about all these hookups. and then he kind of like ran out of stories. Like he would repeat stories, but like you only have so many good hookup stories in your life. I've heard that one before, Chris. Yes, I was like, tell me the one. I got to the point of like your dad trying to come up with princess stories

and like he's out of, like, tell me the one about. Yeah, yeah. And so he ran out of stories. He had so many good ones. And I made it, we just went through him really quickly because I always wanted a new one. So he was out of stories. And then I was like.

I'm worried about this on the podcast too. I got to fuck for work. Right. We're going to run all the stories. And that's what I said to him. I was like, you got to go, I think I want you to make some more. And I don't know how I'm going to feel on the other side of it. But I like, I kind of want you to like, because he would tell me about like a girl at work who had a crush on him or like some girl that.

And I would always get turned on when he would tell me about girls like being into him or texting him. And it's very honest about it. Like I just. And I think the key to all of this is that I felt totally like safe with him not wanting to be with someone else. Like I wasn't like, he made me feel very loved and like I was his lady. And so I think one time, the first time I was like, do it. And I was like, ah, was like, he was getting together with an old ex that he broke up with right before. They were kind of fucking until we met and then he cut things off with her.

And I always like remembered like, she was the last one before me. And she was like this really cute girl. And he was like, you know, she wants to have dinner with me. And I'm like, oh, that's fine. I don't care. Like catch up. And he's like, I can't tell you I'm not like into this at all. Like there's nothing there.

I'm just being nice. And I'm like, do it. I think it's funny. and he's texting me from dinner and he's like, I'm like, is she into you? Like, do you think there's like a vibe? He goes to her hotel to meet her at her hotel, like in the restaurant of her hotel.

And he's like, yeah, she's totally like, now she wants me to, or he, so they have a dinner. He tells me all this afterwards. He's in his car driving back home. Are you getting like a play-by-play? Or you just like at home masturbating to this? No, I'm not yet, but I'm like getting close to it.

So he's about to head home. And back to like me. I think I was in town at the time. And he, No, I wasn't because it's always when I'm not able to have sex with them. I'm like, oh, and the situation presents itself, like, sees it because I'm not even there to do anything anyway. So he texts me from the car after dinner with her and was like, man, she like had me walk her to her elevator and she asked me to come up. And man, he's like, I really think, I mean, I know it could have happened because like that was our thing.

And I'm like, and he goes, she just texted me. And I'm like, go, go, go. And he's like, are you sure? And I go, go. And he's like, glaze. He calls me, glass. He's like, glaze. If I hang up this phone, I think we were on the phone.

He was driving, like, he was just leaving. He was like, if I hang up this phone, I'm going back and I'm getting, going to get a blowjob. Like, if I text her, I'm not going to, like, untext her. Yeah. Right. The wheels will be in motion and I will be getting a blowjob. And I'm like, do it. And then I go, and he's like, okay, I'm texting right now.

And I go, whoa, wait, wait, wait. And the only thing that made me say that was that. I was like, does this girl really like you? And is she going to get, like, sad? I'm trying to think of this girl. Like, can you imagine that you was the ex and then the new girlfriend? And she doesn't mention me at all during the dinner, by the way.

And she knows we're together. Like, she, it's very... Well, we've all been in that scenario where you just don't mention the girlfriend. Of course. You know, but everything else. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. And the show he's working on is the one he's created with me. Like, this is when we were working on our Comedy Central show. Right. And so she's like asking him about work, but he's not mentioning the host of the show. You know what I mean? He went to the pumpkin patch, but like, you know, by himself.

He wasn't a voice. I'll say if he ever hears this, he'd be upset for me saying that like he was not angling for anything in this. And I was the one that was pushing it completely. And so he goes, okay, well, I'm going to do it? And I go, well, wait, does she, is she going to be like, do you think she'll be sad tomorrow if you like, don't call her? Do you think that there's a part of her that thinks she's like going to win you over

tonight? And he's like, yes, I do. And I'm like, then you can't do it. Don't do it. Because you're a girl and you know how it feels. Yeah, it feels really terrible. So I then gave him license to do it. when it's like a random situation.

Yeah. He went on like a bachelor party and went away to Austin for a bachelor party and he was like, hey, I think before he left, he was like, if you wanted me to get something done this weekend, not saying that I want to, but this is the time to do it because I'm going to be out at bars.

Like he doesn't drink. Random girls. Yes, random girls out of bars. He's with all his buddies. He's so hot. So it's like he could just go anywhere and fucking, he's so hot. He's so hot.

So he, that's the one thing I'll miss, Chris. Is it how hot you are if you're listening. I know you're not. You guys are getting back together. No, he is so hot. So he goes this bar and he's in Austin. And he doesn't tell me this till later, by the way.

So he goes out with his friends and I just know what's going to happen that weekend. But I didn't want to know, like, right before. I didn't want to give permission right before. I'm just like, you know what? Cart Blanche, just don't fuck them unless you think I'd be okay with you, funny. Like, you know what. Use your discretion. Yeah, like, use a condom for sure.

But like, just give her a good time. You know what to do. You don't need to have sex. but get a blowjob, fine, right? So then we're supposed to meet up after he's going from the strip. I'm on the road somewhere, and then we were meeting up in San Francisco with some friends of ours to have, like, a fun travel weekend.

And I met up with him, and I know something's happened, or maybe I didn't. Like, I just didn't know, but I'm like, I guess I'll find out sometime, but I'm going to leave it to him to tell me. We're hanging out the whole day in San Francisco with our friends. Then we go back to the hotel room finally. And as soon as we start, like, hooking up,

he's like, so do you want to know what happened? And I'm like, yes! And I was so excited. Oh my God, I get excited just thinking about it. So he was like at a bar and just like walked up to this girl. And like they just started chatting. And then he just like grabbed her and made out with her like she was into it. And like they made out.

And then he just like disappeared into the night. And that was all I needed. And that was the only thing that happened. But I would have been. And then he, oh, and then another time he made out with another girl. And I was in town that time. He was just out with his friends. And he made it with some girl and told me all about it.

And I thought I was going to be one of these. I thought, I didn't know how. was going to be after it. Like, I really did it. I was like, because he didn't either. He's like, a lot of guys think this is a trap. Like, oh, I'm going to do it and then you're going to fucking freak out. Right.

Like, what guy is like not a little skeptical of this? Totally. And I understand that, but I was so into it. And I didn't hold it over his head. I was in Austin like months later. And I filmed a video of me walking through the streets being like, where's that bitch, Kelsey? I'm coming to find you, bitch.

And I like sent it to him and you thought it was funny. But there was never any residual like holding it over his head. Like, if anything, it's, I wanted him to do it more. I instantly was like, oh, this is a thing I'm into. And I don't want to watch from the corner. I don't want to be tied up in the corner like a cuck. Like, why I want to fuck my boyfriend? Get away from him.

So how do you, I have questions about that. I think this is really interesting. We get a lot of messages about mostly girls whose boyfriends want to open up the relationship and things like that. But, okay, so I have two-part question. Do you think that it was just you and him specifically because you felt safe in that relationship? So you let him do that.

And then, like, how do you set the boundaries? Yeah. You feel comfortable. I've thought that it would be across the board for me, but I think that it does have a lot to do with the fact that I knew how much he thought of me. And, like, I felt safe that. For sure. And if he did meet someone else, I really, I would be shocked if they were better than me for him.

Like, I really, that's how I felt. Well, that's how, like, we always just try to preach that to girls. Like, that's what you should strive for. Like, it's so sad to me when I've talked to girlfriends that feel like their boyfriend, like boyfriend, years boyfriend, like isn't fully in and isn't fully committed. I'm like, don't you want to know what that feels like to just trust holy and like feel secure in your relationship? But maybe if you've never felt it, you don't know how to get it and then it sets the bar.

But some girls, it takes a while, took me until I was like 30. Well, the biggest thing is you have to love yourself and that's the hardest thing because you can't let someone like no one, it's literally impossible to like someone who loves you if you don't love yourself. because if they love you, you're going to be grossed out because you don't love yourself, so you're not going to trust their opinion. So that's the hardest part is, like,

realizing that when you're really disgusted by someone who loves you, it's because you don't, or you're attracted to people who treat you badly, it's because that's how you think you should be treated. And it's just, it's the bottom line, it's like starts with you. Right. And you set the precedent of like, this is how I be treated and this is how I won't be.

And I love myself as- You accept what you deserve? I think that's the quote. Yeah. Yeah. And I, I've grown so much. through like working on myself and reading books and meditating and and and just trying to love myself especially as I get older because it's not like uphill for me looks wise.

So if I don't like if I if I if I don't love my inner true self, it's not like it's not gonna get better. I'm holding on to what I have desperately and I will I'll be a sexy lady well into my 50s. Like I don't I'm gonna be a bang and broad but like my years of being the hottest chick at the party are dwindling very, very, like, I've got maybe this Christmas season to make a splash. And this is my exit. But so I, so. 2019.

And it's inevitable for all of us. If you're listening to this and you're a 21 year old girl or 17 year old girl, you're going to age and you're going to, it will get you. And you don't think it will, but it will. Love yourself. So, but you, I was in a mad dash. As soon as I started aging, I was like, oh, shit. I better start liking myself because if I base my worth off of how hot I am or what I look like.

It's, there's, that is a losing situation. Oh, yeah. So I'm still like, I feel like I'm on a stair climber just trying to like it. It's like on a level that I'm like out of breath on. Because I want to find a person who loves me and who I can be with the rest of my life, in quote, be with, I want a successful relationship. And to do that. And I want someone to love me and I want to be loved, but I got to love myself.

And I think I do because I'm starting to like not put up with a lot of bullshit. So anyway, that is what I feel like you need is a person that you think loves you to open up your relationship. Or in the about, and you need to have like rules and stuff, but I don't think it's for everyone. I think to me the selling points of it are, I like knowing that I like a little bit,

it gives me a little bit of a challenge again. I get a little bit of jealousy going, which is always, and I love the beginning of a relationship anyway where you're trying to, like, you're still trying to, like, you're still trying to, like, win each other over and still trying to, and things are exciting and not everything is just like complacent.

So I think it mixes it up in that way. And I think you just, you got to be okay with if they find someone better than good. Go be with them. Like, you should be the best. And if you're not, why would you want to hold them back from that? Yeah. Well, I think in theory, that's a nice idea. I think that, like, I would be super crushed if my person.

Oh, it hurts. Yeah. Yeah. No, of course, you're right. Like, not out of here. Like, oh, that's fine, I'm fine. When I get rejected by guys, which I'm like currently being rejected by several men, like that I want to come after me and they're not.

And it hurts so bad. It's so painful. Right. But you still should, yeah, I want to be like the number one. Doesn't like you. And it makes me question, oh, do I really like myself? Because I'm liking this guy who clearly doesn't like me. And then I go, yeah, I think I do.

I think I just, like, made a mistake and, like, falling for this idiot. Well, I think to myself, like, well, I've tried really hard to, like, be this interesting person and, like, travel a lot and, and I don't know, read books or have this podcast and have lots of friends. and I try to do really interesting stuff all the time. When somebody doesn't like you, you're like, I try to like build this person inside of me that's like so great. Like what on earth?

Like, what else do I have to do? I'm just like, you know? Whatever, if you don't like me, that's your problem. Like, if you don't like me, that's fine. I was looking up with someone. Like, most people aren't for everybody. Yeah. Like, it's so hard to find the match.

And so it's like, I'm just not, I'm not for everybody. I'm well aware of that. Yes. So. You're right. Like, but you got to really be like, I like what I'm putting out there. And yeah,

I'm a handful, but like the benefits outweigh the negatives, I think. I was with someone recently, not that, you know, recently enough. And I didn't feel like they had like given me enough compliments like when we were hooking up. Uh-huh. Like, it just got in my head. Like, I just... I've never felt...

My dirty talk is telling me how great I am. Yeah. And I'll tell guys, tell me how hot I am. Tell me how you thought I was tonight. That's my number one. Tell me how much you want to fuck me. That's all I want to. I literally will give them.

the mad libs to fill it and put an adjective, you are blank hot, very. Good job. We're so different. I need to hear it and so many guys I choose don't say it. And I give it to them because, of course, love languages. So you want it back? Yeah.

So you're trying to mirror the behavior. Yeah, you try to give, like, it's love languages. Like, you always give what you really want. And the guy I was hooking up with was so hot too. And so I'm letting him know that, like, because he, he is and he's one of these people that doesn't feel that he's really hot and is like never felt hot but I'm like at the beginning of a relationship he's like I don't think you're like attracted to me and I'm like I don't think I am yet I don't know and then I just got attracted and I'm like

I want you to know you're fucking hot right like you need to know it like I actively want you in me and it's weird you have to say that stuff to guys yeah and that's what gets them going yes and and and I felt it so it felt genuine to just tell them how I felt um but then I, afterwards I was like, by the way, I need more compliments from you. Like, I'm gonna need to hear how hot I am because I am hot. Like, look at me. I just got a spray tan. I am peak hotness right now.

And he was like, I swear to God, I said you were hot. And I was like, whether or not you did, I didn't hear it enough. You're like, let me run the tape. Honestly, I was like, I don't think you did. And he's like, I swear to God, I did. And I'm like, okay, well, I couldn't hear you because I was, maybe say it louder because I'm sucking your dick. There's a lot going on down here.

Well, it's happening. Nothing? Is you silent? Was he a silent guy? Um, no, there were compliments about things, but I need to hear specific, like, how hot I. Like, I want to hear, like, in my ear. Like, really, like, loud right here. It's like, is that too tall of an order? I really, and I was telling my mom this this past weekend, and she was like, Nikki, you don't, don't tell someone to tell you you're hot.

And I go, and she goes, and don't say you're hot. And I go, but I am. I'm sorry. Like, you get me naked and it is a gift. Like, I work very hard. Right. And not everyone gets to see it And if you get to see it

Fucking acknowledge it Right You're welcome I can't imagine a person not saying it Oh I dated somebody who didn't say Exactly No verbal affirmations

Ever No verbal affirmations Ever whatsoever And there's only so many times You can ask for that nicely before it becomes like a fight And you gotta throw a gauntlet down And so you start not saying it to them

Yeah And then you're in this like terrible cycle No one's compliment each other Okay you have to answer Did you guys ever get into like a situation with anyone else in the room? No, we kind of entertained it. See, because he was,

he would maybe kill me for saying this, but he was entertaining the idea of allowing someone else to come in and have sex with me. But it was all, yes. Okay. He definitely was into, like, getting down with another girl.

He, like, he was scouting people, like, to hire and stuff like that. Doing the interviews. Yeah. Like on LinkedIn? He was literally, he literally, went and met for lunch with a girl. I'm not even joking you.

And he told me about it way later after we had broken up. He was like, right before we broke up, I met with this girl that I was like... Try to give you a gift. Yeah. And I was like, why did I miss it? Like he was so adventurous,

really planned, really organized these things. And so we had always talked about, part of our foreplay was talking about like, oh, like I would just be kind of a sex slave. Like that would be our dynamic. Like he would be the master. He would tell me what to do. And I like loved that stuff

because I talk about this on, stage a lot, but I really like BDSM stuff, like, getting tied up and told what to do and being like forced to have an orgasm as opposed to like being a part of the orgasm. A participant. Okay. Yeah, because I just feel like I'm a control freak in my life and sex just needs, it needs to be taken out of my control. Like, I need to be tied up.

And also, let me sell bondage to the ladies listening at home. Sell it, girl. Because I never thought I'd be into this stuff. It's like, it's forced laziness. So, like, you can't jerk them off if your hands are tied. You don't have to suck their dick if there's a ball gag in your mouth. Like, you don't have to do anything. You just get to like lay back and have an orgasm.

It's awesome. Why are we not? It's awesome. Why am I just out here not tied up? Don't be out here. I'm just like out here doing all the work. Because that's my sex style anyway is just like receiving dick. I'm not really a good, I'm not on top.

I don't really come from that as easily. I know there's some girls that are just like I can only come on top. I just like getting it and like really leaning into just accepting a good dicking. Raina, this does sound like your style. No, I like being on top. I like blow jobs. I do all the stuff. but like you don't,

you don't masturbate. Like, you don't like to do any work. I do masturbate now because I have no choice because I'm not banging people and so I have to masturbate and I'm not hooking up.

Like, I don't have casual sex because that's why I was another reason I get back with my ex is like, it's great sex. It's always there when, when we are in the same city. And it's so fun. It's easy and it's just,

it can be so great. And then outside of that, I wasn't having sex because I don't, I can have sex with my ex and not like fall head over heels because it's just, we've done it so many times. But I don't trust myself to not like people when their penises are in me as a sober person.

Should we run through like a couple things that we just had? You want to talk about the dog? Well, we, you're into anal, right? Yes. Okay. So now, all right. Let's talk about anal. Please keep in.

Do you want to talk about the dog? Well, you're into anal, right? You have to keep that in. That was so funny. Because I was like, yeah, I could talk about the dog, but I'd write, yep, that's the subject I'd like to talk about. Thank you very much. If you guys care about the dog, check her on Instagram.

You want to start with anal or the dog? Definitely anal. Okay. Paul laughed. Paul usually doesn't engage with us, so we really love. Yeah, I've been trying to get Paul this whole time. Literally, he's my gauge. Yeah. He's my gauge for if I'm being funny.

There was another guy that sat in here with us a few times who was crazy hot. Really? He was, I mean, he was insane. Oh, my God. You got to tell me off air. Yeah. Well, yeah. I think he's like in prison now. Whatever.

Okay. Sorry. I mean, I'll, whatever. He's like a six-foot-five smoke show. And I just sat in that seat facing. him the whole time, like, talking about how, like, I just, like, tried to, like, talk about, like, how much I love giving blow jobs and I'd be, like, dead pants staring at him while I said it. Yeah.

You were great, though, because I was, I was, like, his, I was, like, his, Rana did kind of a crush on him. I thought she might make her nervous. Yeah, and she was actually, like, totally on fire. Oh, wow. So, when I'm an audience, I'm way funnier than when I don't. Oh, I have guys on my radio show that I'm, like, you know, like, just, like, putting it out there, like, I'm pretty good, like, because I talk about sex and, like, yeah,

It's a little bit of a calling guard you put out there because also I get to present what I'm into. I talk about anal on stage and like getting tied up and stuff like that. So yeah. So you like anal. I do like your stand-up about anal. It's very funny.

Yeah, I do like it. It's not like a... I think a lot of guys are scared off by that because some guys are just like not into it. I had one guy that was like, I'd be open to it. And I'm like, no girl that likes anal will ever have anal sex with a guy who's like, yeah, I can be convinced.

Like part of doing anal is like, for me at least, I don't mean to speak for all, is like that they're like so into it and it makes you feel like... No. That's brutal. Why don't pressure me to doing anything? I don't want to sell you on a hole in my body.

It could be fun. No, I want a guy to be like, I want a guy to be obsessed with it and just like think it's like... Because that's the appeal of anal is that is just so depraved and dirty and you feel like a giant horror when it's happening. You like to be degraded.

I like it. Yes, I like being degraded. I like the... the dichotomy of being like this badass woman in my normal life and like they they think all these things of me like when I have my clothes on and then when I'm like having sex they're just like you're a fucking slut and I'm like I know like I think if there's some power in it whenever I do the sluggiest things whenever I do something that's so disgustingly slutty I like have a skip in my step all day I feel very empowered by it I can tell when somebody doesn't mean those things though like I can tell when

somebody says you're a dirty whore and they like don't believe it like I need somebody to commit to the role or like not say it. And that guy that I slept with, that 24 year old in London, I thought you were true slut. I told him, I would really like to be called a dirty slut. So he said it to me, but I could tell he didn't mean it. Yeah. Do you think it was because the accent?

It was the accent. Oh, yeah. Because that guy was dirty. You had bruises all of your body. Not in like a bad way. But I was like, are you okay? Yeah. Like, I like it to get a little bit.

You don't want them believe a mark. Yeah. Sometimes I do. I'm like, I would love to go out with like, like, I like, I like doing, this is disgusting. But like, I like, like, like, how. having come on my face still and having to go out in public. Like... Just a little bit.

Just like, like, on my chin. I like that idea of like... And I like sending guys away, like, you smell like pussy right now. You fucking whore. Like, I like... You have to call them a whore, too. I don't know. Like, I don't call them...

There's been a part of me recently that's been, like, toying with, like, oh, maybe I could be the one that's like, you're a fucking slut, you know? My friend recently hooked up with a guy and she... Who, she... If you, like, peck a guy... He's fucking... I would. I would.

I would pick a girl. Like, I'm, like, open to fucking any. at this point. Like, I did dancing with the stars so I could do anything. We had a, like, we had Emma Women on the show last week, and she was talking about how she likes

to, like, peg girls, and I was like, I'm super open to that. I love that. I one time put on a strap on, and I felt like the coolest person in the world. See, I don't think I could do it without giggling. That would be my problem.

It felt awesome. I couldn't get into the role. I think I could totally be, like, do that. I don't know to a guy that I'd want to do it as much as I would want to, if I'd fuck to a girl, that's what I want to do rather than eat pussy, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I would do it to a guy. I just don't, that I would have a hard time, not giggling. It does feel amazing. That's the thing. Anal sex is not just something that a gay guys have, like, if you're gay, you have like a special censor in your asshole that makes it feel good.

No, it feels good to everyone. No, no, we actually had a doctor. He's a sexual psychotherapist on the show. He said something so interesting. We get a million emails from girls being like, my boyfriend likes a finger in his ass. Is he gay? And this guy said, if somebody's gay,

they actually shy away from anything that would be interpreted as gay. Right. For all intimacy with a female. They're not asking that anal. Right, they pick an asexual partner. They're not asking. So anyways, I don't think it's true. That's so true.

So if a guy is, and by the way, he's right, it feels amazing to have a finger in your ass. And I know it hurts a lot, and a lot of girls are like, oh, I could never do it. It hurts. Anal sex feels fucking great. It feels, I've said it in my stand-up, it feels like taking a really satisfying shit.

Like the ones that make you, that are gasmically good. But I like shitting a lot. It's, you like, I'm not a huge fan of shitting. You will love anal then. Everybody knows. I'm not kidding you.

You'll love it. Have you done it? Yeah, I don't. So the problem is I've done it with a couple people. I was in serious relationships with. They just had like monster hogs. Okay. Yeah.

That's hard for me. To accept it. You poor thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Like you got to work up to it. But like I'm into like, yeah. And I don't, but the thing is I don't, I think a lot of guys are scared to date me

because they're like, she's just, that's her thing as anal. Girl. Yeah. No, it's like a once a year. Like, I don't need it all the time. And I don't necessarily need it with you. I, if you don't want to stick your dick up my bum, then I can put like a plug or something. You know, like, I can get my jollies elsewhere.

Well, I don't want to do anything all the time. Like, I have a girlfriend that has like a latex fetish and she really likes to, like, dress up and some crazy shit. But she was like, I don't, I have a hard time when people start asking for it all the time. So I don't think you want to do anything all the time. Sometimes I want to make sweet, sweet love. Sometimes I want to just lay there and have you. Like sometimes a hot thing that my ex used to do is be like, hey, this one's just for me tonight.

And I would just kind of like lay there and I could be on my phone. And I loved it. And he was doing what? Just like on top of me. Oh, like you could text while he was fucking out. Well, like I wouldn't text, but I could have. Like it was so much like, I'm just going to please you. And you got to like be on Instagram.

No, this is just for him. I'm just going to use you. Ashley just treats your hand down. Where are you putting that? No, he's like, I'm going to use you. Like, you're just a hole to me. And I'm like, yeah. Sign me up.

Like I think there's something hot about. that. Like, there's... I'm anything where I can just, like, scroll Instagram as fun. Dude. Yeah. She said a phone and I was like, ooh.

Yeah, like, I'm... Also, I just think to me, like, I think it's really nice when you're with somebody that you really know loves you and respects you. And, like, then they degrade you in the bedroom. Like, you know that after that's over, they still love you.

Yeah, there's, it's really... Well, that was... Sorry. Yeah, I don't want to... I don't know if I'd want to be beat up. No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't. I mean, the only way.

That would be so weird. Yeah. You need, like, deep intimacy. But this is, I mean, we really, one of our favorite episodes and I think why it was so popular was the sex therapist, because he was talking about, like, that kind of stuff and how it keeps a relationship alive forever. I mean, that's when, like, relationships just go stale because you can get by on vanilla sex when you're high on endorphins at the beginning of relationship. But if you don't realize how to, like, turn your partner on and please them, it starts to get, like, really stale down the road. Yes. Once, like, the endorphins of the new relationship fade, then you're like, oh, now.

I don't know how to turn my partner on. Oh my God. So it was like, it was really eye-opening. That was, it really was like our favorite episode. And he was like, he's like, I mean, he's in his 50s. He is a kid. Yeah, he's a dog, he's kind of nerdy. He was like, I'm not going to be funny.

Is that okay? And it was the most. It's our number one episode. It just made so much sense. Like, you've got to figure this out with your partner so you can sustain a sexual relationship, right? Yeah. If the sex is, yeah, that's so true.

And I'm like, right now though, I'm really struggling because I'm not having sex. I'm like all these, I, I, I, I never used to give blow jobs. I never used to give hand-dubs. I mean, I did do them, but they were always, like, just to get his dick wet or whatever. You know what I'm saying?

Like, it was just to get him hard. It was like a... Not to completion. Never to complete. Like, always, always just... You know, the opening act or whatever. And now that I'm... Because now that I'm not having sex with guys,

I'm having to, like, learn these skills. Like, I'm having to learn how to give better blow jobs. I'm, like, back in high school again, where I'm, like, figuring it out. Because I've never felt confident about... those things. I've always just gone straight to sex and now I'm like, oh, fuck. So do we talk about this? Like, are you not having sex? Because I start liking the person. Right. It's a chemical thing. And it's just, and it's one thing that I want to like save and like,

it'll be special. Yeah. And there's tons of other stuff that will be special. Yeah. And there's tons of time to have sex. Yes. Like we can wait a little bit. I can get off from so many other things and so can they so like just save it. Right. And there's nothing better than like, I want you to sell bad and not doing it. Oh my God. It's the biggest turn on. That's what we're like, we've kind of been out here preaching that like what's the rush? Don't have sex, girls, don't fuck them. And also, this is my big thing.

If I could like just speak to women right now listening, I'm begging you, don't fuck them. Don't, let's stop doing anything we don't want to do. And then this is like talking to myself, like even four years ago. There's something in women that we've got in our heads that if you get naked with a guy, if you start making out with a guy

and you get back to his place or your place and a shirt comes off, you're gonna, someone's, he's gonna come. and you're going to make him come, and there's going to be a coming at the end of this. And that's when the mental gymnastics start of like, am I going to sleep with him? Am I going to blow him?

Am I going to give him a hand job? How is this guy going to come? And I used to always get so stressed out by that because I'd be like, well, if I have sex and we've had sex, but that's the easiest thing to do because I just lay there and then we both get something out of it. Or do I give him a blowjob, and I feel like I'm not really good at a blowjob, and I don't really want his penis in me.

I just, I don't know him that well. Oh, what's my option then? A hand job? I have no confidence in those. That would be awkward. Well, Louis D.K. ruined that for every man. So no man wants to do that anymore, even with my permission. So it leaves you fucking nothing to do to them.

So that's why my thing always used to be just have sex with them. Because it's the easiest of all those options. And it's the least degrading for me, honestly, because I don't feel like really confident and all the other things. So I always just go to sex. But then that opens up a whole can of words. If you've had sex with this guy, you don't even know. So what I'm telling women now and what I'm doing is like I'm not doing anything I don't

want to do. Like, if I want to have sex, it's because that guy has gotten me worked up and juiced up enough that I'm dying to have sex. And guess what? I'm going to honor my body and I'm going to have sex right now. And if I, if a guy's fingering me enough to I get to the point where I'm like, I want to suck his dick. Like, I've gotten worked up enough where I want to suck a dick. But get me there. It is not a foregone conclusion that a guy will come with me anymore. And it always used to be. I always used to be like, if I get naked with a guy, I have to, he has to come. Why would I do that to him otherwise? Don't do anything. You're never far enough down the road that you can't just be like,

but girls don't know how to do this. We were like preaching it hard. We did this hard. We went over this really hard at the Chicago show. It's like why Cardi B says leave his balls on blue. It's just like guys would be like, well, no, I'm all worked up. I don't, that's not my problem. Go jerk off as soon as I leave.

You can jump off. You're going to be fine. Girls, we were trying to teach the language and we're just constantly hammering this home of like you can leave at any moment or stop doing whatever you want. And like, you can tell a guy up front. I've told guys we're not fucking tonight. And they're like, okay. Like say it before it starts.

So you've already said it. Like you can say, I don't, I just want to take this slow. I don't want to have sex with you. Whatever it is. Like we've all been here. I've had sex with so many guys I didn't really want to. Not in like a forceful way. Yes, me too.

But just because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what to say. And it's the least amount. It's the least thing you can do to just give them what they want and they won't be mad at you. Like, if they are, fuck that. I mean, you don't talk that guy. You can't tell yourself that. You just want to avoid any discomfort.

And it is more comfortable. to have sex you don't want to have, than it is to deal with them putting on their t-shirt angrily and getting you an Uber pool. Fuck that guy, okay. And that's what I'm saying. Fuck me. I like saying it up front.

But now I have just this year began this new system of like, unless you convince me and make me come or at least try to make me come, you don't have to make me come. I'm really hard to make calm. Yeah. But if you get me juiced up enough where I want to suck your dick or do something more with you, then you will get that.

I love that. But you will get nothing until then. I have been totally naked with guys who still have on like all of their clothes. And I won't let them even take their dick out because it won't touch their dick until they've actually earned that. Right. I love it. And some of them are so, you will find they are so lazy these guys.

They're all lazy. Go down on us. Finger us. Dry hump us. Finger us through our jeans. Suck on our tips. Kiss us. Do everything.

But don't try to put your dick in us in our mouth or on us. or don't do the thing where you grab our hand and fucking touch your dick, put our hand on your dick like we're Helen Keller. How about we know it's hard? Papa, I'm learning to read. No, we know. We know it's hard.

We will go there when we are fully convinced. Don't touch, do not, don't let this guy say, like, I don't like to give guys anything anymore until they earn it. I'm glad to give it once they've earned it. Yeah. I love it.

I recently gave a blowjob and I was, I've never been a girl. who's like, I love sucking dick. And this guy got me turned on enough that I was like, I want to suck your dick and I can't fucking wait to do it. I was stoked. And I couldn't even believe it. I was like, this guy got me to do a thing that I never thought I would do,

which is be stoked to suck a dick. And that is all I did. I didn't even come. I loved it. And it, like, because he did the due diligence. Right. And that's what guys got to do. And girls, unless they do, they're worthless.

And by the way, your biggest fear that if you leave, a guy without coming and he's going to be mad at you. Say you leave the hook up and he's like doing that short answer shit with you and you feel like he's never going to call you again. Honestly, this is the only way to ensure they call you again is don't let them come. Don't fuck them, yes. Get mixed with them and don't fuck them. Exactly.

We keep thinking that they won't call us because we don't blow them or that we don't jerk them off or whatever. The only way they do call us is if you don't do it. None of that shit's guaranteed unless the only thing that's guaranteed is if you don't, they actually, more likely, will keep calling you. We're going to name this episode, just do nothing. Just do nothing. Just do nothing, bitch.

That's a, what, UFC, D&P. Oh, my God, yes. But it's different. It's different. Just do nothing. When we, you were saying you're friends with Jared Fried, like, we love, this was on our podcast, but I think it was on his where he was like, Frank is a strong word.

I see him around. He's a colleague. Yeah, but I want to be friends with him now because I heard him talk on your podcast, and he had so many of the, same things to say, which is like, it's hard to hear, but... Yeah, but he was like, you can go out with three dates with a guy and make out with them at the end of the night, and they will be, like, thinking about that and thinking about that. Yes.

You don't have to do anything else. Like, he was like, a hot, steamy makeout is fine. Yes. And I just love that he said that. And that's coming from a guy who gets his dick sucked a lot and who fucks a lot and has girls throwing... And so he knows. He's saying that as a guy that if you just make out with him, that like, he'll be frustrated.

For sure, he'll be frustrated. and he might be weird in the moment, not Jared specifically, but the guy might be weird in the moment that you didn't do more with him and he's like, you know, kind of... I just think, I don't want that guy at all. I don't care.

No guy that's ever going to give me even the slightest but attitude for not fucking him is not a guy. It was the biggest, like, way to weed them out for me. But if you want to have sex with them, do it. But girls, like, don't, just like, let's just end doing things out of obligation.

So I hooked up with this guy and I didn't have sex and we were at my apartment and we were, like, crazy. All, like, you know, clothes are coming off. and I didn't have sex with him, he never called me again. And I was really upset about it.

But in my mind, I was like, imagine if you actually had sex with that guy. Oh, that is worse I would have felt. Right. Like, this guy just didn't want to date me. He just wasn't that into me. I thought, listen, we're not. Like, enough so that he didn't even try to get fucked again.

Like, he was like, I'm out. For that reason, I'm out. He didn't fuck that guy. No offense. But like, yeah. I thought it was the greatest date. I had so much fun with him. We went out to dinner.

We went to a bunch of bars. We were at my place. And I was going to do the, the nice girl thing and not fucking never called me again. Listen, it doesn't always work. It doesn't work, but you know what? The answer is not to fuck the person. Yeah, that was not why he didn't call you again.

100%. Right? That's never the reason. What a bad taste that guy had. Exactly. We want to play our game. It'll still be more like sexual topics, but just really quickly. I want to address Marion.

Yeah, I have a really cute dog. Because I thought it was hilarious that people think she's a senior dog because the way she looks. Yeah. She's not like the most beautiful dog. No, she's disgusting. What kind of dog or she? I rescued her. She is like a poodle,

Chihuahua, starving polar bear mix. And she just looks dirty constantly. She has a really gross underbite. All her teeth are crooked. But she just always is very confident. And it almost gives me confidence. She's like one of the ugliest people or creatures that God ever made. But she like doesn't know it and she thinks she's entitled to the world.

And I really get a lot of confidence from her. But I gave her to my parents because I, it was just too hard having two dogs in New York City. I moved from L.A. And you travel a lot, right? Travel a lot and just having them. That's how I knew Andrew Collin. He was my dog walker.

Yes, he told us that. We've been acknowledged out on the show at all. Yeah, Andrew Collin is, yeah, like one of my best friends. Puddle boy, Andrew, he's taken on that name for himself because he did your guys this podcast and some girl said that she puddled in her pants. Is that where it came from? And I go, that means because you made her laugh, idiot. It's one of the funniest episodes ever.

I go, it's because you were, you made her laugh. She was peeing. Different hole. He goes, let me check again. And he went back to the DM and he goes, nope. She said I turned. And it was. She was turned on.

And so then we. started calling him. She goes, you made me puddle in my pants. So we called him, start calling him a puddle boy. That's where it started. I don't know. We were the originators. Dog Lispur better, though. Dog Lispur is so funny. Yes, I forgot about that name. Yeah, so. But I just love that you, I love that you can tell you of such a good heart that you rescued

the ugliest dog you could find. Oh, yeah. I really go after like the, I thought she was senior when I got her. She looks 100 and she's not. I sent that, I saw her Instagram story. I sent it to everybody that people were DMing you about your senior dog. And you're like, she's like four. Because they just assume she's on her deathbed. They think like I'm such a good person.

And she's such a, she's a baby of a dog. But she is so gross. You guys, we're going to give you her Instagram. What is your answer? It's Nikki Glazer. Yeah. I really like you on Instagram.

You're very like open and honest about your life. Thank you. I wanted to talk about like trolls and all these things. Oh my God. I'll come back whenever you guys want. We pulled some funny stories for you. Okay. Great.

We play. Is this weird with most of our guests. Yes. Our audience submits these questions of, is this weird? They're so funny. I can't even explain you how funny these are. We have a lot of sex ones The non-sex ones are my favorite

Yeah I'm so weird and gross So this is gonna be awesome You should submit some I okay Is it weird You want to submit one of your own? Yeah is it weird that I'm obsessed

This is really weird Oh my God I'm upset oh my God I don't know why I'm choosing to admit this Wait the game changed its course The game is now just Nicky's It's weird I want to like cut off people's warts

I'm obsessed with warts It's not weird Do you like to pop pimples and stuff? I don't like popping pimples I know those videos are very popular So it makes me feel a little bit understood But I like videos where people are digging out their warts Like I'm really like

Or somebody else is somebody else's Like Andrew has one on his thumb And I'm obsessed with it And I just want to get out of it so bad And I want to like rip it apart And I want to dissect it and I want to like rip it out And I watch videos every night on YouTube

of people ripping up their war. Yeah. Okay. Is that weird? No, it's not. It makes me sick, but a lot of other people really like it. Okay, good.

It's not weird. It's honestly really gross, but no. It's so disgusting. There's a huge market for it. Okay, good. We're not enough wart videos on YouTube. So if you have a wart, will you rip it apart and film it?

Okay, good. All right, if you guys find good videos, slide into Nikki's DMs, don't slide into ours. Okay, so I'm weird. No, no, you're not weird. I'm saying it's actually pretty normal. Okay, okay. Oh, well, thank you. I appreciate your guys' response, but I'm judging myself. You know what we always say, as long as it doesn't make you feel bad on the inside, it's not weird.

Okay, good. Okay, I pulled one of the five, this email was so funny. I was fucking dying. Last year, I wanted a girl's trip to Miami. We met a group of cool guys and hung out with them for the majority of the trip. One night I started hooking up with one of the guys back in the Airbnb. Once we started having sex, he started asking a lot of questions, super aggressively. while he's fucking me from behind. He starts asking me if I'm going to visit him, if I'm going to clean his house while I'm there, and if I will cook for him. So I'm thinking like, okay, this is interesting, I'll play along.

So I say, yes, I'll visit you. Then he asks what I'm going to cook for him. I'm like, I don't know as I'm trying to think of something, of some sexy, something sexy to cook. At this point, he's like, I really like empanadas. Are you going to make these for me? Still playing along. I say, okay.

Then still pounding me wants me to yell empanadas. I say empanadas. He gets super turned on and asks me to yell it. And he keeps asking. He finishes, I put my clothes on and call it a day. A couple months pass and he becomes some party chef. And has a weird obsession with food. Is this weird?

At first I thought like this guy had a scavenger hunt with his friends. And he was one of the things was you have to have a girl screaming empanadas while you back from behind. That's a good call. happened. That's totally, like, yeah, pick a word, see if you can get her to yell it. Yeah. It's a fun game, though.

I'm gonna do that. Yeah, that seems like maybe it was like some kind of like goal he had. But if he got more turned on, I don't know that that. Maybe he likes winning games against his friends. He was like, he's competitive. Maybe he likes household chores. This guy never went down on me until I made empanadas for him. We talked about on the Patreon episode.

Yeah, I used to date this guy. I mean, it wasn't like a, I won't go down on you, but he just hadn't done that yet. Yeah, and then as soon as you cook for him, his love language of services. We talked about this on the matriam, so you guys sent him. And he, I mean, he, like, dragged me into the bedroom, went down on me. And then I called my mom and told her and thanked her for the recipe. And Raina thought that was really weird. That is hilarious.

Like, I was like, Mom, those empanadas. That's a great cookbook of things you've made in sexual stuff you got afterwards. Call it. He's eating out. Oh, my God. It's so good. Okay. I think this guy was just really into somebody servicing him.

So he, like, was very into the idea of her, like, flying to see him, cooking, cleaning for him. him taking care, like being the subservient role. Focusing on that word empanadas is interesting. I think that you're probably right. It's like a long word. That's not like a bastard party bet. Or the way of a maid he wanted to fuck or a nanny, he had a sexual thing with,

you should say empanadas in a way that reminded him of this girl. But yeah, that's weird. All right. Well, we have got to wrap up. We have to have you back. I want to tell people where to find you. Your stand of special on Netflix is of the stand. is so good.

Thank you. So people should definitely check that out first. Thanks. Amazing. Yeah, it's on the stand-ups. It's episode four of season one of the stand-ups. And I'm going to have another special out there, I think by the end of next year, hopefully, on Netflix.

I also have an hour special called Perfect on Comedy Central that you can find on their app. And I have a radio show every day on, um, two hours every morning on Sirius. If you have Sirius XM or if you have a rental car, um, you can hear me on Channel 95 every morning, um, 10 to 12 Eastern. You have any good shows coming up? You up. And I am currently on tour

working on the hour that I'm going to tape for Netflix. So I'm going to a ton of cities and the dates are all on my website, Nikki Glazer. And what's your Instagram account?

Nikki Glazer. N-I-K-K-I-G-L-A-S-E-R. All right, guys, you can find her everywhere and then you can find us at Girls' Got to You Podcast. If you don't know this already, I don't know,

I've set it for 50 episodes in a row. But merchandise, show tickets, Girls' Gotty-Podoo Podcast.com. Website, Instagram, you guys know where to find us, and we'll see you at our show soon. Have a good week, guys.

Thanks. Bye.