Girls Gotta Eat - What You Need to Know About Finding (and Keeping) Love with Jay Shetty

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

We are so honored to have Jay Shetty join us to talk about love – how to realistically look at love, the three ways you should prepare yourself to find it, and keeping it once you have it. We're also discussing the misconceptions we've been conditioned to believe, the importance of self-love and non-romantic love, what the "list" we have for our perfect partner should and shouldn't look like, how to structure your social calendar when you're in a relationship, and more. Before Jay joins us, we're catching up on Ashley's knee injury, Rayna's houseguest, and knives as self-defense (lol). Enjoy! Follow Jay on Instagram @JayShetty, visit his website to order his new book 8 Rules of Love, and check out his podcast On Purpose. Follow us @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Tushy: Save 10% when you go to hellotushy.com/gge. Article: Get $50 off your 1st purchase of $100 or more at article.com/gge. Nutrafol: Get $15 off at nutrafol.com when you use promo code GGE15. NextEvo: Get 20% off your first order of $40 or more at nextevo.com/podcast with promo code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think the problem is all of our emphasis and all of our focuses on, is that person right for me. But half of that question is me. Who are, who am I? Like, what am I? Like, what do I want? Episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Episode three. Really doing it. From LA. Rana, burning question for you. Okay. Are you surprised at how much we're hanging out socially in L.A.? Is it more or less? How do you feel about it? Is it too much? Is it not enough? By the... We had a sleepover. The volume does not shock me.

What shocks me is not shocks me, but I'm really enjoying it. Well, yeah, I would hope so. I would hope you enjoy hanging out with your best friend. This past weekend, we did Friday night plans, Saturday day plans, Sunday night plans. Because I think that we're not spending as much time together professionally. Mm-hmm. Because we're not in the same neighborhood. It's like, like, you know, we're doing some more Zooms.

Like, we're not together every minute of the day for work. so we're just really getting it all the weekend. And to Jeremy, standing with me, I'll tell you guys about it. I have a funny story for you. But I said to him on the way to dinner, I was like, Ashley and I were spending a lot of time socially together, and it's been really nice. It's not that it surprised me, but like when we were moving here,

I was like, oh, are we going to spend every day working together and then every night socially? But you're right, it's the inverse. We're not together to work ever. Well, it would be a lot. To be together five days a week and then be socially together like five nights. It could be a lot. I mean, I'm just enjoy.

This feels like preferable because I feel like for some reason in New York, it was like marathon work weeks and then weekends we were like, don't talk to me. For years. We still have we hung out on a Saturday day. I need a break from my coworkers. Yeah, seriously, I feel like it is like don't talk to me on the weekends unless it's like a wedding or someone's birthday party. Like you guys, Raina spent the night in my house. She spent the night. Yeah, in the house and I stole her pillowcase.

I wasn't going to put you on blast. I was going to just let it ride. I was like, Ashley, I stole from you. Why did you do that? I drooled all over it. I had to return my pillowcase. I took this from the house because I drilled all over it. I wanted to watch it and bring it back.

Okay, I'm going to put my leg up. It's like, we'll talk about it, but I need to stay elevated. This is not comfortable. I need to stay elevated. You guys, we have such an awesome episode for you guys. today. We have Jay Shetty, and we also went on Jay Shetty's show on purpose. We traded shows with him. Both episodes are so great. He's just such a gift. I think you guys are to love it. I loved recording his, so please listen to that as well. You should watch this episode, because I have a bunch of funny stuff to

show you. We'll show this photo assets on YouTube. And then you can see Ashley with her leg up. We'll talk about it, but just to reiterate what Raina said, yes. I mean, being in the presence of Jay Shetty for three hours, three plus hours was life-changing. Yeah. I felt like a better person when I left. I was like, what just happened in there? Could not have been kinder, better energy, just loved the conversations we had with him that you guys will hear. And then the one that we had in his episode as well, both very different.

So soak it up. Yeah, I love it. I love him so much. He's such a joy to be around. I know. He was like signing books for everybody. And couldn't offer snacks to S enough. Couldn't offer drinks, snacks.

His staff was so nice. We're so excited for you guys to hear it. So that'll happen shortly. Yeah, I have this knee situation. I had boasted about it on Instagram and I've already been to the doctor. And, you know, I will say that I don't really know exactly what happened. This is just like getting old. It's like a joke.

You know, you wake up. You're like, that happened in my sleep. You know, like I did do a workout the night before. I'm sure I just tweaked it somehow. Had some mild pain. Then, long story short, probably didn't take care of it the way that I should have. We went on this hike. I just shouldn't have gone. I can admit it, but I have no regrets. I prioritize my mental health over my physical

health, and we went on this wonderful hike. And it just blew up. It's swollen. It hurts. And I was just in a bad place about it. Like, I know that like it's a privilege to be able to complain about something like this because I'm lucky enough to be an able-bodied person. And I don't take it for granted. So, you know, but I really hate being like down for the count. You know, staying active is what keeps me feeling good mentally and working out and taking walks and being outside. So this is just really kind of brought me down. You know, it's funny because I just, I was like, I need to go to a doctor like today. Like I need to see a specific type of doctor. Like I just am like freaking out. I need to see what's going on. I need a diagnosis. And I couldn't

find someone in my network or even like out of network really to see me like that like this past Monday. And I asked you, I was like, is it like cringe to put something on my Instagram story? you know, like, again, so many thousands of people see this, people in L.A., like, I'm sure someone would, like, is a doctor, knows a doctor, works at a doctor's office that could help me. But I just feel weird. I'm just not always the best, like, asking for help or doing stuff like that or really even like saying anything's wrong, you know. And you were just like, Ashley, people want to help. Like, yeah, you should, people like really, A, they love to share a medical rack. People love to share a rack. No one loves anything more than sharing medical

rack. They really do. But you just, it was just like a nice thing that you were like, people want help. And it really reminded me like, yes, they do. And I mean, within what 30 minutes, these two girls both DM'd me. They had both interned and now they're in med school at this doctor's office, the exact doctor's office that I wanted to go to. I'd already put an appointment request because they'd take my insurance and he's like very, you know, highly rated. And they were like, we're going to get you in today. And like it happened. And I was just so grateful. And people were just still in the DMs. Like even if they don't live in L.A., they're like, I'm a physical therapist and call me if you have questions and it just, I feel like I'm weirdly emotional about it.

Like, people just really jump to my rescue. And it's like not a serious injury, but it was really so heartwarming. And I just thank you for being like, yeah, ask for help. People can help. That was your resolution last year. You were to ask for help. I think people like to share it. I think I also forgot that like half of our audience is nurses. Like we're obsessed with you guys. So many of you nurses and teachers is the whole audience. I mean, they're going to be doctors. Yeah, they're going to be doctors. But yes, we have so many. We love our nurses. We love our teachers. I mean, we love everybody, but I, you're right, there are so many. In the medical field. In the medical field. I also think we just have a huge

audience in there in every field. Yeah. Whatever you guys do, we love it. We love it. But thank you for anybody who messaged me or just like, checked up on me, and especially these two girls, I just couldn't love them enough. The other other work there was like, we miss them every day. Can you FaceTime? The doctor was like, so who are you? What podcast do you have? He came in and I was like, oh, you know, it was a really pleasant experience. It's really nice. Shout out to hand in orthopedics in Beverly Hills. Aw, that was really sweet with you FaceTime with them. Do you remember when we were, it was like a couple months ago?

We were in the Delta Lounge and some dad came over to us and was like my daughter is such a fan of you and made it FaceTime with his daughter. How did he know it was us? Maybe he recognized us. I always think it's cute when somebody recognizes us from like their children listening. And I feel like such an honor that like you would even tell your parents about this. Like the person who owns my Airbnb was like my daughters love your shirt. show. And I was like so touched. Like they share that together. Anyways, oh, those are the best things. People say they listen to their moms or, you know, the thing that like really gets me

every time is mom saying that we help parent their daughters. I can't even think about it. It is the thing that I start crying right here right here right now. Well, I'm glad that you got attention because I know that you're really freaked out and, you know, I don't like to see you in I feel like such an adult when I go to the doctor, use my insurance. Because my whole 20s, I raw dogged all of it. When Ashley and I met, we were. We were like, can I trust you? Are you going to be a business? Do you have insurance?

Both of us were like, no. But I didn't have insurance, and I did not see doctors. I was just rolling through life. I'd have pain. I always was like at parties. I would fall off something, dancing, and spraying something. Just deal with it. If something was really wrong, I'd go see somebody.

Well, I just didn't. I think that I just pushed through things. I had an ankle injury that I probably should have got treated, that I never did. That probably still affects me today somehow. Like, these days, I'm like, I got to go today. I can't live another day until a doctor tells me what's going on or they drain this cyst in my butt crack, whatever it may be. I need meds. I need to go today.

I will stop at nothing. Everything is on pause until I see a medical professional. And like back in my 20s, like early 30s even, I was just like, yeah, it's fine. I'm sure my body will heal itself. How did you get birth control? Did you have like a gynecologist that you went to that prescribed that? Oh, yeah. I mean, that's like a must.

I had that. Yeah, like people will be like, what's your primary care doctor? I'm like, my guy, I know. Surgery care? Yeah. City MD, I can give you their number. So anyway, I should be good soon. It's nothing serious.

Well, probably not. It could always be cancer. We never know. It could have to get amputated. Yeah, I could always lose this leg. We did this show. I like the other one better. This is the other leg.

Fucked up, butt cheek. Oh, I like my left leg better than my right leg. What's the different? It's longer. It is longer. Yeah, my left arm is longer. My left hand's a little bigger. My left foot's a little bigger.

All my left step's bigger. Oh, you like it bigger. I just, I want something. This foot is a half size bigger. There's a dent in my butt crack. I am fine if they take it. Yeah, this foot is way bigger. I like it.

They're like, man, we're going to have to amputate. I'm like, take it. I'm like that leg. I'm happy that I had one shoe size go past six. It's like six and a half on the left one. I have a bunch of funny stuff to tell you speaking of my Airbnb. And also, um, this one. week, Jeremy is staying with me, my friend Jeremy.

He isn't a bunker. That little room. When he comes, is it even a bed? Yeah, it's a day bed. It's a day bed. Okay. And he walked in and I was like, he's six, three, six, I was like, before you start fucking bitching at me, you can take my bed. That's a good height estimation right now.

Because sometimes you say someone's six, eight, and they're just like five eleven. You just get you exaggerate fights. So I'm proud of you. He is, like, he has told it to me repeatedly how tall he is. So I was like. He walked into the house and I was like, before you start bitching at me, you can take my bed. And I will take the trundle. Before you start bitching at me?

Is he like, Jamie? He will walk in the door and he'll see his free home for a week and he'll start bitching at me about something. So he's staying with me. He is driving me crazy. I love him so much for having a great time. We went out to lunch and dinner last night. But I got to show you like what he's doing in my home.

Okay. The first thing, I woke up this morning and I just look outside. on my deck and I will show you what I saw outside on my deck. Is he naked? No. What if he was like dick out, sunbathing? The remote control for my television is outside, out back on the porch. I don't know.

I don't know. And so I was like, do you maybe want to go get that and not leave that out overnight? He was like, you were in the hot tub. I was bringing it to you. I was like, I didn't need it outside. You brought it outside to me. I didn't need that. It was going to be living in the living room where I would be later.

So then he, I guess, brought it back in. and put this dirty remote control on my white comforter instead of the living room. So this is like the case of the traveling remote. Yeah, so he could have put it anywhere, but not the living room. He refuses to put it in living room. And then... Is he fucking with you now? Is he fucking with you?

It's like an elf on the shelf. You're going to just find that remote. You're going to be above the microwave? In your vibrator drawer. In the freezer. And then, so I know that he wakes up early and I know that he eats breakfast. So he booked a Barry's class at 8.30 this morning. So I knew he was going to get up like pretty early, but you and I get up early, like, here.

And so I hear a bunch of noise in the kitchen, and I'm like, what is that? And I look at the clock, it's 5.30 in the morning. And he is making breakfast in my home. He cracks eggs, beats them, takes a pan out, pan fries, a pan. Pan fries eggs. I hear him spray the pan. He's moving him around in the pan. And then he goes into the living room, turns all the lights on.

and the loud-ass heater fan and the television. He didn't turn the TV on at 5 o'clock in the morning. 5.30 in the morning. First of all, what are you watching? The news. He watches CNN 24 hours a day. Put on talk radio. Literally anything else.

The audacity to do this in someone else's home is so exciting. He has a blender going. He's supposed to cut his music on. Beating eggs at 5.30 in the morning in someone's home is insane. I don't live in a big home, by the way. It's not like, you know, a normal person's house with multiple floors. No, like my home's small.

I could hear every single. I was more sure somebody broke into the house than I thought my best friend woke up and made eggs in my home at 5.30 in the morning. I will say. I feel like Jeremy and I have some similarities. I wouldn't do that. I'm in Matt's house.

I tiptoe around, especially now there's a baby there. But I'm like, I'm a quiet house guest. I would never. Jeremy is giving. What do you want me to do? Rayna. That's exactly what he said. What he wanted me to do, Rayna. I'm not changing my routine

for you, even though I'm a guest in your home. Like, I feel like Jeremy would blame you for even trying. He did. He acted like, I was so crazy for at inconveniency. Yes. I was like, why don't you pretend you? He goes, you know I need to eat in the morning. You know I like an early

breakfast. And I was like, Jeremy, why don't you imagine that you're at a hotel and order out? Why do you have to cook in my kitchen at 5.30 at the morning. He was like, I need to eat. I don't know what you want me to do about it. And then I was like, why you turn the heater on the heat, the space heater. It's so loud. And I was like, why did you turn that on? He was like, I wanted extra heat. I was cold. Guys aren't supposed to get cold. It gives me the egg. What, no, guys shouldn't ever get cold or talk about it.

And he victim. I love Jeremy, by the way. And we love it. And he victim blamed me, making me feel like it was my fault for like not being up at 5.30. And then I got up at 7 and he He goes, look who decided to wake up today. Like, I'm a lazy piece of shit. That is... Right. You're like, I'm sorry. Were you chilly?

And he was wearing shorts. I was like, maybe put pants on. I don't know. He was like, well, mostly it's my feet that are cold. And I was like, there's also a cure for that. So he's in my... I love him, but I need to make sure I'm not being too mean. That's my love, my love.

I mean, there are like five people in the world that, like, could just do anything and I don't care. Like, he's just done so much for me that, like... Oh my gosh. Totally. Doors open. My home is yours, whatever you want. I think Rob wouldn't change his routine if he'd stay with me. And I would be like, well, that's what I get.

You've just, you've done so much for me. You can do whatever you want in my home. Jeremy, the day before I moved to L.A., like spent the whole day with me, like moving boxes, helping me pack stuff. He can do whatever he wants. But I was thinking it's so funny because, like, some people would be like, yeah, haven't you ever lived with a man before? And it's like, yeah, I've lived with a lot of men before.

But I fuck them, so they're afraid of me. Jeremy is not afraid of me. It's like, I can't be like you're not going to eat your dick suck this week. if you don't stop making eggs at 5.30 in the morning. Like, he doesn't care. And he paid for dinner last night. He's like, what are you going to do about it? Okay.

I have to show you something that I sent somebody. It's really embarrassing. What? So I ran into this guy on Sunday night that like, I kind of had a crush on just like in passing, and then like I saw him again. And I was like, what do you mean? Like I saw him last summer and I was like,

oh, I kind of have crushed him. And I never thought about it again. It wasn't like a deep love. But this guy that I was like, he's cute. So I ran into him on Sunday and I was talking. talking to him, flirting, whatever. And I was talking him about how I'm living in a house for the first time. Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm just... Which guy I'm talking about? Yes. Sorry. I was like, what is wrong with me? I was with you always. Yeah, I was with you on Sunday.

Okay. Yes. Got it. No which guy I'm talking about? Yes. Okay. Great. Of course I too. Just took me a minute. Okay. Yeah. So I ran into him. I was having like a really good time talking to him, flirting, whatever. I didn't have my nails done. It was pretty embarrassing. I mean, we've been friends for what? Five and a half years? Five and a half years. I've never seen your natural nails. I've seen like one at a time when like a nail is popped off but I've never seen your full

natural fingers. Well they're not really shocking to see because it's like something you haven't seen on your best friend. I was like what are those little things?

Because your answer they're so tiny. And I had popped all of my nails off. They're like baby nails. They're like Jay's little nails. Why? They're so gross. They're not.

I'm just saying. No, they are gross. I'm not calling them gross. They were new to me. I'm calling them gross. I had popped all my old nails off and it ripped the nails. So it was like they were just banged up. It was disgusting.

I didn't even want to go out in public. And I touched my mouth a lot when I talk. It was really embarrassing. Anyways, we're back. We're good. They look great now. But I was telling him about how I'm living in a house for the first time versus an apartment. I lived in a townhouse growing up.

I've never lived in like a standalone house since I was really young. Funny, yeah. I've lived in apartments for so long. And like, I feel so safe in New York City and my apartment because I'm on like the 11th floor, who's coming up there? You know, like, I've never thought for once, I don't even lock my door. I mean, I've never felt safer than a New York City door main building. Mm-hmm.

Can't get to me. Yeah, how are you going to get to me? Yeah. I mean, my dorm men are asleep. You can get to right, actually. Pretty easily, honestly. But who's going up 11 flight? That would be crazy to, like, go that high up.

So I was just saying to him, I feel less safe because there's just so many entry points. Like, I never thought about this before. It's just, it's really a lot to, like, acclimate to. I haven't lived in a standalone home since I was like a very little kid. Yeah. And so all the noises, I'm like, this is it. I'm dying. So I've been slavey with a knife in my bed.

Wait, I have a knife. Wait, I have a knife in the bedside table. You do? And I don't know if I could stab somebody. I don't even if I'm thinking about it. I think the strength it would take to puncture someone skin. I'm pretty sure in the moment you could do a lot of things. If your life is at stake, the adrenaline, I could absolutely shoot somebody stabbing.

I can't think about it. But yeah, there's a giant knife at my bedside table. Page to Sorbo had. posted this door thing that she uses when she goes places. I was going to order it off Amazon. I don't know. Anyway, keep going. Okay. Maybe I'll order it now. Paged in a whole, like, daily routine, how to stay safe, ladies. She had this, like, whistle and this doorstopper. And I was like, girl, thank you so much. I've been really scared. I've been really scared. There's four doors into my home. There's so many entry points. When there's so many entries.

A house I lived in Atlanta, I felt like that all the time. And then the dogs, thank God we had the dogs, but like they would, me and my roommate, they would start barking. And I'd be like, well, that's it. Someone's there. Uh-huh. It's terrifying. So I've been sleeping with this giant knife under my pillow. Under your pillow?

Raina. That sounds scary. It's a queen-sized bed. It's under one of the pillows. It's in the bed. It's in the bed. Rayna, no. What do you mean?

It's in the bed. What do you mean? You're in the bed. If someone's on top of you, you're going to get, you're going to open your bedside table. How quickly you would get that knife out. But I worry about you in the bed. I worry about you. not being able to access that knife?

And you cut yourself or you... Ashley, if someone's in your room, you're not getting to that knife. I am getting to that knife. Are you... All right. We'll put a poll off on Instagram. Who's front of you? I'm just worried...

I know you mean. You're sleeping with it in the bed. Well, I angle it to the handle is closer to my head and the blade is pointing the other way. Can the perpetrator see it? No. It's under a pillow. I guarantee.

You're not opening up a bedside table. It's the first place they block you from if they're smart. So I, having a dog, I'm probably going to have a little bit more notice that someone's in the house. Okay. All right. I'm going to connect this back to the guy, I promise. Okay. People are like, what did this have to do?

Are they going to talk about dating? What is happening? We got. We got a dating pocket. So I got home that night and I, he sent me up like a funny, flirty text. He did? I mean, not that crazy. I mean, it was fine.

It was cute. I'm going to show you. And I was really out of it on Sunday night. I didn't feel very good. I was like pretty, like, just not feeling great. I had a drink when I got home. So then I was like, even more out of it and tired. So I responded to his cute, florid text with this photo.

Right now. It's, it is the knife. I was telling him about how I feel like. One of those sheets. Came with the house. That came with the house. And I have my buffy sheets on the way. Let's get you the buffy.

Yeah, I have the buffy sheets. I sent him a photo of like the long. Oh, God. the long knife hanging out of the pillow. Oh, he said something cute. Yeah, he did say something cute. He said we're all going to hang out on Saturday. I don't want to do that anymore, by the way.

Okay, we're not invited on. Well, I like him, but we're going to go to the beach, right? All right, we'll talk about it. But you and me? Just buy ourselves. We'll figure it out later. We'll figure it out. Because we do social plans now.

What are we doing this Saturday? So I sent him a photo of the knife sticking out, and I wrote I saw the knife and thought of you. Oh, my gosh. It's pretty embarrassing. Do you think that that made me look crazy? No. I think anybody Especially not if he wants to fuck you

that had zero impact on the way he thinks about you. Do you think that makes him think that I'm hot? Do you think that's sexy? She's like, she's a freak. She'll do that in bed. She'll keep a knife in bed. I don't know.

I have literally no idea what a man would think about that. I just thought it was funny. I was like trying to be funny and then I was like, this looks a little crazy. Remember we did that whole thing about knives? When I said guys always have knives on them and you said, no, they don't.

I said, yeah, they do. And then everybody came out of the woodwork and they're like, oh, yeah, Guys always carry knives. Yeah, everyone came out of the word. I forgot about that. Not a lot of people probably butcher knives in their bed, but they have a knife on them. But anyway, I was excited to show you how I flirt because that's how I flirt.

I support it. Now you can just do the knife emoji as like your sexy emoji from here on out. So speaking to men that carry knives, I did want to bring this up from last week because we were talking about dry January and I do with something else I want to say about it. We forgot to mention where's this going? The most surprising person who was doing dry January. Of all time. I couldn't believe I didn't get a press conference phone call about it.

Lee Heseltine. Unbelievable. What? Can't believe it. My dad. Casually mentioned it. It was so casual. I was in the group chat.

Like, what is happening? I've never not been drinking with your dad. Even days when I want to have like a dry day. Your dad makes fun of me until I start drinking with him. Yeah. My favorite person to black hours. I don't think he's ever had a dry day. A week to a month.

I did too. But I just want to say this thing because I was just kind of thinking about it. Like I wanted to kind of just walk back a little bit of the way we talked about dry January last week. Because I think in my head, I always think of like the people that I've always known that have done it, mostly dudes who like do this thing. And then they like go back to their old ways, which also is fine. You want to take a month off from drinking? It's going to be good for your body no matter what. But I think that like the sentiment to me and you can do whatever you want and for whatever reason you want, I don't care.

But to me it's like it helps you change the way that you live your life. commit to it. And I do think about the thing that really kind of kickstarted me drinking less was when I was on that antibiotic last fall and I took 10 days off of drinking and was here and was doing a bunch of stuff socially. And it kind of forced me to substitute other things and not drink in social situations where I would have just like one or two drinks. And I really feel like that set me on a good path where like I remember going a Merrill's hot tub boat. I didn't want to drink because I had shows that night. And I like brought my spin drifts with me. And you know, I remember being at the Kendrick Lamar concert. I wasn't drinking.

And I was like, I'm going to treat myself to a full calorie Coke, you know, like just finding ways to get excited about drinking other stuff. And there was another night, I think I left for my Denver shows the next morning. We were out at that party, that WME party. And I was like, I just need something in my hand, like, in a bar. We were at a bar in the Folly in New York. And I was like, I just ordered like soda water, splash a lime. And it like felt no different than having tequila in it.

You know what I mean? Like, because I don't really need it for like the social effects or whatever. I just, it's like, sometimes you just need a drink in your hand. hand. So I just kind of like, I poorly compared it to a juice cleanse. Nobody like came from me on this. I'm just saying that I kind of reflected and thought about it of like why people do it and that it does have a longer lasting effects. It's not just like this thing that people do for no reason, you know, but I do see the benefits to it. And I wanted to bring it back up because I totally forgot to mention that my dad is doing it. And I had text him about it this morning.

What do you say? How's it going? He's doing it. But he had a funny thing that I just wanted to to read you. We talked about in the family group chat a little bit, but I was like, I'm really curious why you decided to do dry January. He said, I was happier than most people my age, so I wanted to do something to make me miserable, L.O.L. He was obviously kidding. He's obviously kidding. But he said, I was trying to lower my elevated blood pressure and possibly lose a little weight. It's been working. I feel like I have more energy, too. I mean, I think about that, remember a few years ago after the Super Bowl when I like quit drinking for like a couple months right before COVID, it really did like reset me in a way. Like, that is,

when I, like, really walked back drinking and I felt like I don't, I wouldn't call it a problem. I just wasn't proud of my behavior. I was being obnoxious. And I walked back, like, the amount I was drinking. I stopped drinking for a little while. And then I, like, incorporated, like, a drink or two in. And I haven't, like, been getting as fucked up as I used to since then. Yeah. So, yeah, maybe it does just sort of change you a little bit. Like, whatever it takes. But anyway, so I just want to say that. And I mean, proud of my dad. Really? Just didn't see that coming. Never ever. He's been skiing. That's when he drinks the most after skiing. He's been skiing. He's been drinking some non-alcoholic beer. Do you think he's going to, but he's going to get

drunk with me at Christmas, right? You think he's going to bring it back, right? Listen, I want him to be healthy and that's the most important thing to me, but also Christmas is important to me. You guys are absolutely blacking out together on Christmas. That will never end. If he drinks one day or just dying day. Yeah, I love him so much. All right. So we have a couple quick, really fun vibes only. updates. Thank you guys for everybody who bought our brand new Annalise butt plug. We worked so hard on it. It's so beautiful. If you're watching, you'll see that we're holding it. It is this beautiful Merlot color. It has this rose gold accent. But it's so perfectly sized, whether you are into anal all the time or you've never done it and you just want to get into it a little bit.

It's fun for Valentine's Day. I really am just, I'm proud of all of our toys, but this is really so beautiful, the perfect size, the perfect shape. So it's fun with a partner. They can control it through Robibes-only app for you, so we've remote control. But I don't know. Thank you guys for buying it, for trying your stuff. We have a really fun anal episode coming for you guys next week. Next week. I will say we dropped that toy. The Annelises came out. If your name was Annalise and you messaged us, thank you and you're welcome and you're sorry. I don't know. Like it was so funny because I think we named this because like it has the word anal in it. Like it made so much sense, obviously.

And if that's your name, you know your name has anal in it. And you probably grew up with being made fun of or whatever. And so it was just, it was funny. We got a lot of emails. I'm going to read the one that I like the most. She said, hi there. I had such a good laugh this morning after seeing named your butt plug toy. What one of my many high school college nicknames, Annalise.

My name is, oh, her name is pronounced Annalise. But the anal nicknames were endless. However, the most creative was on her knees after I got rug burnt on my knee after sleeping with two guys in one night. Okay, okay, Annalise. Anyway, I can't wait to get the Annalise and represent my name. On her knees. You know what's also so funny is like we've both had knee injuries since we've moved here and neither of us have sucked a dick. That's true.

I'll accept the knee injury. I saw people saw that my knee was fucked up. They were like, how did Raina fall last week? And now your knee is fucked up. I'm like, no one's sucked a dick yet. And here we are. I got to tell you, though. I am so paranoid about tripping, Ashley.

I've been tripping so much lately. Did you trip this past week? No, I didn't. And thank God, because I ran into four sets of our listeners. Three at the Brentwood Farmers Market and one in Abit Kinney. And everybody was like so nice and just they're so excited for us to live here and give us racks. but I was like, don't fall, don't fall. Like, I was walking away from girls being like, don't trip.

I'm trying to be more confident because if you're constantly, like, worried about it, I feel like it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, you just have to be like, I'm not going to trip. I'm an amazing walker. I know where my feet are under me. I am aware of the parking things around me. Like, I'm a bad bitch and I'm not going to trip today. I'm like, that's the self.

I just say mantras. before I get out of car every day. I do feel like it's one of those things of like, same with driving. Like, you just got to be a confident-ass driver. I feel like that's the thing I learned driving around Manhattan where I was like, you can't think like, oh my God, I'm going to hit a pedestrian. You'll probably hit a pedestrian.

Okay, it's a self-privacy. Now I'm going to hit a pedestrian by accident. When I was a waitress for so many years, I remember it was cocktail waitressing. And to teach me to carry the tray, this guy was like, don't look at the tray. If you look at the tray and you think about the tray, you'll spill the tray.

If you don't look at the tray, you don't spill the tray. And like, it's a thing. Well, and that's when you're learning to drive. You're a student driver, you know, when they tell you just to like look in a straight line. Like, look where you want to go and the car will go that way naturally. Oh, okay. All right. Well, now I know how to drive, too.

No accidents. Anyways, the butt plug is amazing. If you really want to just ease your way into it, this is the perfect size and shape. And we also have a butt stuff bundle. The grundle bundle. For your grundle. And you can get the Annalise, the Juiced Up Blue, which is our best-selling accoutrement, and then it also comes with a custom vibes only pouch.

So that has been selling the best. So thank you guys. We're excited to hear how you like it. Please give us feedback. Tell us much you love it. Rate the app. Go online. It all works with our incredible app that we have all this amazing erotic audio content in there as well

and the remote and all that. We find features coming and we have like one more release also. So two really fun releases for Valentine's Day, the Anelis, and then Ashley will tell you about the new. Yes. So we have the Gigi. in a new color. It is in Merlo. It is this beautiful dark color. And this is our Gigi Panny vibe that is going to go in your panties and someone else can control it for you. I'm going to give you guys a

teaser. We are working on this long distance remote. This should be ready for Valentine's Day, probably before, where someone can control the app from anywhere in the world. So as it stands now, the remote control is free. That will be a premium feature. So that'll be part of the subscription. Again, you can always use that remote for free. But this feature, will be that, you know, you could be anywhere. You could be in Dubai after the Beyonce concert that we weren't invited to. Like everyone else that was there. And your partner can control it from L.A. or wherever.

So we'll talk about this more, but we just thought we would tease it and you guys can get the Gigi Panny vibe, especially in this new beautiful color. And that's a great one to have someone control for you. So if you want to wear it in your panties to class, if you want to wear it to dinner, right now today, always free in the app is the remote. So if somebody's sitting next to you in class, they can control. it. Bluetooth range.

Anyone can control it for free. Anybody can control it for free. This will, again, to reiterate, actually be a premium feature. But it is a really fun addition to the toy. So if you get it for Valentine's Day and you're like a long distance partner, it's a really fun way to play around together.

So we'll release that soon. And by soon, we're hoping the next couple of weeks, it's just, you know, technology stuff happens. So we'll let you know as soon as it's out. We've been testing it though. Like, we've been doing it from like across the country with other people and like really seeing how it works. It's very cool.

It's very easy. The other person has to have the app, but not a subscription. Like, they just have to be able to get in there and, like, remote it for you. They can change the patterns on you. It's going to be so much fun. It's really going to be such a game changer. And I just wanted to read one DM.

We got about vibes. You don't know this. So I'm going to read you for the first time. Okay, this girl messaged me. She said, not me and my boyfriend using the Visa gift cards. My parents got us for Christmas buying another round of your massage oil and lub. Our first vibrator, the Lucy. That's my personal favorite.

And a massage table from Amazon all in one sitting. All I can say is I've never been more proud of a purchase using my parents' money. Sex goals. Thanks to you. I have chills about this. feel just really excited about it. You guys want to experiment and do this with your parents' money. And listen, I love all the toys equally, but I'm really excited about these new ones,

and I really just can't recommend the loosey enough. That's what I've been using pretty much exclusively in that $69. It's our least expensive one, and it's the most compact one. And, well, the Gigi, too. Oh, they're all great. You guys just... It's my favorite travel one. It's fun for Gets.

And if you guys want fun, Valentine's Day ideas, stay home and fuck. Try new stuff. Try new holes. Get what's that is also great if you are looking to buy something. fun for your partner to have a sexy night at home. That is our blow gel, our loob and the massage oil. So we have lots of really fun stuff for you guys at vibes only.com. Yes, vibes only.com. And Girls Got to eat.com. You can get tickets to our upcoming tour. Oh, it starts this week. I meant to say that up top. Oh, yeah. Okay. So this is the 30th. We start our tour, the Snack City Tour this Friday.

Oh my God. I forgot about this. This week. I, you guys, I'm so excited. 19 shows coming up in the next few months. So we will be in Salt Lake City, two sold out shows. The next night will be in Denver, sold out show. And then we will be a couple weeks later in Phoenix. And then we have Florida. Still tickets available for Florida. We have Sacramento coming up. Tickets are sold out in a lot of the markets, but we still have tickets for some.

And there are tickets for Boston, and Chicago and Philly and other cities. You guys can check all that at Girls Gotta Eat.com. Click on live shows. Yes, Florida, plan some trips. Bring all your girlfriends. I'm really excited for these shows. They're going to be really fun and over the top. And we sold some tickets for those.

And also that week, so we do Salt Lake City, then Denver, then we are flying to New York to be on the Today Show. Yeah. And I'm just really proud of it. We're going to be with Hoda and Jenna. I'm just really excited. So that'll be on Monday on the 6th, right, February 6th? Yeah. And then the next day we are taping another thing that's really fun.

So we'll keep you guys abreast. But really cool thing with some other really cool guests. So we're excited. I didn't get my wrecks. I'm just going to do one. Just been watching so much Jenny and Georgia. Okay. This is one of the best shows on Netflix, one of the top shows on Netflix.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's so good. You like the second season? I love the second season. I feel like you did not, I feel like you liked the first, but I did not. So here's what happened. The first season, I watched with my mom the week after my nose job.

And I just was foggy. Like, I wasn't on colonopin, but I was like on pain meds and I was just kind of like in and out of sleep. And so when I started to try to remember what happened to go into the second season, I was even watching the recap trailer. I was like, I don't remember any of this. So I rewatched the entire first season, then right into the second season. So now I'm like, these people live in my soul.

Like, that's a lot. Every show is about an hour, like 55 minutes. I'm just so obsessed with it. It is the hottest collection of men ever on TV, whatever you're into. All the types of guys that I personally like, like, physically, they just nail them all. They're all. Like, I can't pick a favorite. Like, I was like between Marcus and Zion and Joe, those are my three picks.

But then there's also, like, The mayor. And like, I did a poll on my Instagram. Like, how do you even pick? I'd fuck the whole cast. Seriously. So I just love it. And then we were with our friend

who knows the actor that plays Marcus. I was like, oh my God. Or she does. Yeah, I forgot. So anyway, I'm sure you guys watch it. So many you guys have even recommended it to me. And I'm like, yeah, bitch, I've been watching it. So I just love it.

My mom and I texts about it all the time. We're so obsessed because we did watch that first season together. Season 2 is on Netflix. And I can't recommend rewatching the first season enough. I really love it. I will say the first two episodes of the second season, felt a little dark and like, you know, I guess mild spoiler alert. I just felt like Ginny and Georgia were like at odds and it was just making me anxiety. I was like they were just fighting.

They were like this mother and daughter like at war. And I just text my mom like, does this get better? And she was like, you just have to keep watching. It just, I didn't like them being so combative with each other. And then it, I just, I love everything about it. It's my favorite show. I can't stop thinking about it. I might start to watch it. I haven't started up again, fired up again. I love it and your mom have the same taste and like movies and TV shows. It's so sweet that share them. My mom is constantly sharing Holocaust documentaries with me. She likes,

she wants me to only stuff about Jews and all the things the Jews have been through and the Holocaust, that's what she shares with me. She has to be pages long descriptions of it. I told her, I said something to her about Dr. Ruth the other day. She's like, you know, she's a Holocaust survivor. I was like, yes, Mom, I know. My mom can't talk about the Holocaust enough.

Speaking of Dr. Ruth, guys, this other show we're taping, she's going to be on it. We're going to meet her. We're going to lose our minds. I don't know how. I've said too much. All right, guys. we are going to just segue over and welcome Jay to the show. We are so excited for this guest this week. He is unbelievable.

He is the number one New York Times bestselling author, award-winning storyteller, former monk dedicated to helping people train their mind for peace and purpose every day. His show on purpose is the number one world's top health and wellness podcast. We were just on it. His second book, Eight Rules of Love, is available for purchase now. Please welcome to the show. a guest you are going to love Jay Shetty. Oh, thank you, guys.

This is a nice little roll reversal over here. Yes, you're a lot seat. Honestly, thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful to be on your show. You have an amazing community, amazing audience. And honestly, I do feel very honored. I really do. So thank you so much.

Thank you. I mean, we told our audience you were coming on. We asked them questions they had for you. They were so excited. Some people didn't even have a question. They were like, oh, my God. That's all they responded. So you have our favorite name at the time.

I have a question for you. you because we said this on what we just record with you. When you just say when I was a monk, it just flows out so easily. Like, does that ever get old? Like, is it a flex? Like, it's just, I know it's not a flex. No, it's a great question. It's a funny thing to just say.

It's really interesting, right? Your life to you is just normal. Like, everything in your own life is so normal. And for me, it's such a normal thing in my life that it's one of the easiest things I say because it's like going, oh, when I went to college, or when I went to university. Like, that's exactly how I referred to it. And so many of my biggest life's lessons come from that time. And so I refer to it so regularly.

It's such a big pull of thoughts and ideas for my life. Uh-huh. One of the questions our listeners asked, and we'll get into them, was, why are you so hot? It's usually my job to hit on the guests, but you're married, so I respect boundaries. Well, so you said this, and the timeline stuck with me from us just doing an interview with you. that you were a monk for three years and then you met your wife shortly thereafter? No, so I met my wife before. Oh, you did?

Yeah. So the story of how I met my wife is I was in my final six months of university. And while I was at university, I would spend my weekends at my local temple training to be a monk, preparing to go off and become a monk. Okay. When I graduated. And that was me basically trying to stay out of trouble because I was like, final year of university, too much trouble. Okay. And so I do this.

And then I was asked to show a woman around. doing certain rituals or certain services around the temple. And I've never been asked to do it before and never got asked to do it again. And this woman came up to me afterwards and she said, hey, I'd love to introduce my daughter to meditation and spirituality. Would you meet with her? And I was like, well, I'm going to go and become a monk, but I can introduce it to my sister. That was my wife's mom.

Oh, my God. And my wife's mom met me that day. I showed her around. We built up somewhat of a rapport. Then I met my wife to introduce it to my sister. Got it. And I met my wife. I thought she was absolutely, well, she wasn't my wife. I met this girl. I thought she was absolutely stunning and beautiful, but I met her for two seconds. And I was like, stay focus, stay focused, stay focus. Monk life, yeah. And then her and my sister became really good

friends. And so then when I came back from the monastery, she was at my house all the time. She was at the house all the time. Okay. Can you quit Monken? My question was like, did you leave the monastery after being a monk and you could like say that on dates? Like, what would the reaction have been? But clearly, you just got out and started dating your now. Why? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. No, I mean, I, I struggled to tell anyone because it was, as in, to talk, to explain what I did or how it felt like, I was literally rejected from 40 companies when I left because my resume said monk. Why? For three years, you've got no work experience. They're like, surprise, surprise, what's your transferable skill, like sitting still and being silent? Like, no one needs

that in their company. It's such an asset. It's, it's so funny. It's, it's so funny. I was doing an interview this morning with the Daily Mail in the UK. And I was saying the same thing to them, that when I chose to become a monk, it was like, all my family was like, you've been brainwashed. Everyone's like, you're throwing your life away. My extended family was like, this is the worst decision you'll ever make. You'll never make any money again. So it was met with so much resistance.

And then when I left, it was like, we told you so. We knew that would happen to you. Like, look what happened. Now you're not going to get a job. Look, 40 companies rejected you. We saw this coming along. And so it was. such a like uncool thing that I did in my life in the sense of how the world viewed it.

And so to now when that, you know, I feel like me writing my book, think like a monk and talking about it in hopefully a more mainstream relatable way, I feel like now it's like, oh Jay, it's a flex, it's cool. And I'm like, trust me. When I did it, there was no one in my life who thought it was cool. Like my friend was like, Jay, what are we going to talk about right now? All we used to talk about was girls. Like, what am I going to talk to about, right?

So I lost friends over it. I lost family members who disconnected. It was not as cool as it may feel now. It definitely wasn't seen that way. That's so funny because I just picture like a woman on a date being like, that's hot. Like being like, he was a monk, girl. But like kind of not even knowing what that means. I just can picture it being like, did you even know?

Yeah, I never went on. The only dates I went on with my now wife. So I never got to experience what that felt like. Well, if you ask women, like what's the number one quality? you look for an man, they're like someone in therapy. So that's basically you. Yeah, three years, three years of self-therapy for sure. Yeah, well, you are like so qualified to talk to us about all this day.

And you wrote this new book and Ashley and I were reading it. And we will get into it. It's called your Rules of Love. And something I want to hear about why you wrote it, but something I love about the book is that you talk about being alone and enjoying it and breaking up. And you don't expect that like that's going to be part of it. And you talk about the different ashrams. Am I saying the word? Yeah, you said it was great.

That's great for now. M-C-A-S. Good job reading. It's not a hard word to pronounce. Hustled Tyn and Ashrums, that's like, that's good. That's good. And you talked about how you pulled from your life as a monk to a lot of preparing to love and preparing to love again.

And I don't think you see a lot of books about love that are like, no, you should also be alone. And it's okay to break up. And you pull so much into that. When I first read the title, I was like, what is this going to be about? And I was really surprised pleasantly. Oh, I love that. Thank you for that.

You're welcome. I'm so writing the book. So tell us why you wrote the book. I mean, so many reasons. But the biggest one that says that I've always been obsessed with love. I'm a romantic. I love love. And I think I've made so many mistakes in relationships and dating, like so many across the years.

And I never had a guidebook. I never had podcasts at the time. I never had insights. I never had coaches or therapists at the time that could have helped me avoid so many mistakes or make those mistakes but know what to pivot. it and shift from. And so for me, I wrote the book because I feel like this is the book that I would have wanted when I was growing up to learn more about relationships. And at the same time, I've just, I keep making relationship mistakes. Even now, I've been with my wife for 10 years.

She won't text you back. I keep, yes, she won't text me back. I keep saying the wrong things. Like, there's so many things that I still make mistakes with. And I was like, maybe if I sit with this topic for two years, which is how long it takes to write the book, if I sit with this topic for two years, maybe I'll learn something. Right? And it was like, do I want to be obsessed with learning about love for two years? I was like, yes, that's exactly what I want to do is see what I can learn, see what I can take away. So it's a personal obsession and personal passion. You talk a lot about the things that we're taught and why they're wrong and we grew up with these like ideas of like find lust or find this particular type of compatibility, make these lists and you sort of

debunk a lot of this in the book that all this stuff that we were taught is wrong. Yeah, well, I think one of the biggest things we were taught is like being alone was weird right like I talk about in the book about how you know if you're the kid at school who no one sits with that lunch you're considered the weirdo or if you have a birthday party and not a lot of people show up you're the loner that is embarrassing right I mean I just tell my birthday people are on vacations and times but anyway but it's interesting like as adults like I'd be happy honestly speaking I'd be happy if like my closest six friends showed up to my birthday yeah you get to be an adult and you're like no one come please Yeah, no one comes anywhere. Can everyone just bail? Please leave early also. Tell me you something else to do.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And I always found like, you know, you, you went to, if you got a wedding alone, like the person's always like, oh, you didn't bring a plus one. Like, you know, it's always like, poor you. And I think that kind of attitude is what set us up for so many mistakes in love. And I think for me, I'm trying to debunk those things because I think what we base our love life on is based on what everyone thinks is love or how it's been portrayed in movies or how it's been portrayed in music. They give all these love songs and none of them are happy. And they're all complaining about how bad love was and how painful it was. So there's no guidance. There's no thinking. And so I think I would go out with people because of how good we look together. And that was the only reason.

Or you'd go out with someone because you think all your friends want them, right? Like you start making decisions based on so many superficial things. And I wish I just had some insight. I was going to ask you what you felt like were some of your big mistakes when you were dating. like did you ever have like a fuck boy phase? I mean really what what kind of data were you were you a couple different types yeah I had phases I had phases I'd say that I had a lot of different times when all I was looking for was loving the movies like I literally wanted a Hollywood romance and so I'd try and craft that but my mistake was it didn't really matter who the other person was I was just going to invent the most beautiful relationship thinking that it was love and hoping that that person

would love me. And so I think for a long time, I looked for validation through what women thought of me. And so I would chase that by doing amazing things. Because if I could do something amazing, they'd be like, Jay, you're incredible. And that's what I was doing it for, not even for the person. And that's messed up. I'm talking about like a 15 years old, 16 years old. And then when I went through phases when I was dating randomly or just meeting with lots of women and whatever else it may be, I think my biggest mistake was just that a part of me feels like the biggest mistake I made at that time is I spent too much money on dates and women. Like I just spent way too much money I didn't have.

To impress them? Yeah, to impress them that I didn't have. Like money I didn't have. And I think I would like use any bit of money I was working on to save up to waste it on dates. Well, we mentioned this on our interview with you and you've talked about this on previous episodes yours, but I'd love to even just dive into it a little further because I'm just obsessed with the topic of just wanting someone to like you and impress them and gain their acceptance and their adoration without even thinking if you like them or they're a match. Yeah. Yeah,

because I want to go back to what you said. Exactly. You had this fantasy of what this relationship was going to be like and you just wanted to jam anybody into it. Yeah. And I think it can lead to a lot of pitfalls and it's not fair to the other person either. Right. No, not at that person can also be like, do you even like me? Or am I just here to like fit into this fantasy of your life? So let's talk about it. Yeah, well, I think a lot of people like the fantasy, actually, and then you realize you don't like them, right? Like, it's a really uncomfortable experience when you're doing things just for validation. And I think that's what everyone can relate to. It's like, I think about anyone in relationships now and I'm always asking them, like, do you actually like the other person?

Do you actually know them? Do you actually understand them? Like, do you even know that many interesting things about them? Or is it just that in your head, you've made this amazing story up about who this person is and how much you like each other? there's this amazing study that I saw that said to make someone a casual friend it takes 40 hours to make someone a good friend it takes 100 hours and to consider someone a great friend it takes 200 hours and so spent with them like quality time spent with them and when I look at that I'm like people are saying they love you after like 20 hours or we're saying like oh you're amazing you're incredible after like 30 hours and I'm not saying you have to have spent 200 hours but the depth of that time you've spent with someone like sometimes a podcast can accelerate relationships.

Maybe we should just podcast with people that you are considering dating with. We were doing that. She used to do it. At the beginning, I should invite people on that I want to sleep with. Yeah, there you go. But what I'm trying to say is that that depth,

that intimacy, I think we don't have enough of that before we start making these big claims. Do you think it starts with this fear of being alone? And so you're just like, that's the worst thing in the world. So I just want to find somebody to fit into this fantasy of what I think my life will be like not being single. So you just pick anybody. Yeah, I think it comes from loneliness.

I think it comes from the fear of being alone. And when I look at that fear, what's that really coming from? It's a fear of I'm inadequate. I'm unworthy. I'm not lovable. That's where it's coming from. It's coming from like this discomfort that we have that, well, will anyone like me? And actually, if someone likes me, no matter who they are, at least I'm not unlovable.

And so we'll receive and accept anyone's love. And I think that that's really dangerous. I think it's really painful where you're saying, I'll accept any love because at least that proves that I'm not unlovable. And I think to me, that's really what loneliness or the fear of loneliness is based on. It's not just physically not being around someone. That's not really what we're dealing with. I think we all know there's multiple ways of being alone. Like the idea that so many of us today feel surrounded by people, but we don't feel understood.

We don't feel seen. We don't feel heard. even with a buzzing group of friends. And so to me, I'm looking for that kind of connection or I'm encouraging people to look for that kind of connection where you feel seen, you feel understood, you feel heard, not just that you have a physical person. I'd love for you to speak on just all of the bullshit that we're fed

and like why we do get so skewed on what love looks like because real healthy love is like kind of boring. Like from the outside. It's true, it's true. The things that you see, Ray and I always talk about this on a different level of, like, reality TV. Like, normal people would be too boring. You wouldn't want to watch it. You need volatility and you need ups and downs and you need all these things.

And so it's almost like all of the fairy tales and the love we've seen in the movies and the songs and all that can be pretty volatile. That's what makes them exciting. That's what makes it entertaining. That's so true. Yeah. And I think the earliest we could all relate to is the damsel in distress, like the night in shining armor coming to save someone. And so I think we're set up with that idea of someone's going to save you. and you will be saved.

And so now everyone's operating from the idea of like, who's going to save me? Right. And then the other person is going, who am I going to save? Right? So you're living in this world of like the savior trying to save someone and the savior wants to be idolized for being a savior. And the savior only feels accomplished when the person who's being saved feels helpless and vulnerable.

And so you're basically setting up this paradigm of fixer and broken. And that's why in every relationship, someone's saying, I'm broken, help me, fix me. And then the other person's like, yes, I'm here to fix you. I'll take care of everything and then we both get exhausted of that paradigm. Or when you look at movies and, you know, I'm a massive fan of romantic comedies. Like, love them since day one. And now when I wasn't back, I'm like, oh my gosh, what is going on? I mean, the amount of people that say that Carrie and big is like they're the goat of a relationship.

We're like, it's so toxic. Yeah. I had an ex-girlfriend that was addicted to the notebook. We would watch the notebook like all the time. I think I've seen the notebook like 30 times at least, right? Pretty awesome. Let's be honest. And there's this scene, like, I remember there's this scene where Ryan Gosling goes up to Rachel McCadden's,

and he's just like, I'll be anything you want. I'll do anything. I can be it. And it's just like so unhealthy. Right. Then the next thing you know, he's hanging off the ferris wheel. And with two hands, remember the scene, he's hanging off the ferris wheel, two hands. And he lets go and goes, if you don't say, go on a date with me, I will fall.

Right. That's really unhealthy. Now there's a threat. Now there's a threat. There's a threat of suicide. and personal harm in order to have someone gone on a day with you. I was sitting in the theater, in the theater, gulping for air, I was crying so hard about how romantic that was.

But what if it was a normal relationship? We'd be like, this is the dumbest movie I've ever seen? Literally, literally. Just these two people who love each other and are healthy and stable? Who cares? Well, the other relationship in that movie, the person that she's going to marry is just like a normal stable guy. We're all like, ew, dump him.

Apart from, doesn't he throw all that? No, that was her dad who throws the letters away. Yeah, I forgot. But, yeah, like, you're exposed to all these ideas. Obviously, we're exposed to the idea of happily ever after. Obviously, we're exposed to the idea of, you know, everything works out in the end. And even the one person, like, when there's a love triangle and one person ends up single, you don't worry about them because you're like these two people got together. And in real life, you're that person who got left out of the love triangle.

So I just feel like we're exposed to all these ideas. They become our reality or at least they become an imprint. and even if we don't know it, these imprints become real. Why do we search for drama? You were just talking about reality TV. Reality TV exposes you to so much drama. Now you feel you have to have drama in your relationship to survive. It has to be interesting all the time and there has to be something to find out.

I was just with a friend the other day who said, someone told her to get a private investigator to make sure that her boyfriend wasn't seeing someone else. And I'm like, where does that idea come from, right? Right. Also, if you're picking up the phone to do that, like something is bad here. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

This other idea of bullshit that, because we're going to go down that road of, like, you know, things that we were fed that you talked about, I forget if it was on a show I listened to that you never in the book, but that measure of time is like this great measurement of relationships. And it's such bullshit because like just being together forever. It's not the measure of what a good relationship is. And I'd love for you to speak on that because I thought it was, you had some really great insights.

Yeah, there's this dad joke that this uncle used to tell that my, like, when I was growing up And he'd always tell it at like an engagement or a wedding or like he would pick the most awkward time to tell this joke. And it's a terrible joke. But he'd be like, oh, there was a couple that was together for 40 years. And they were once asked what was the success or secret to their relationship. And he said, well, when I was 30, I took my wife to Paris. And they were like, oh, that's amazing.

Well, what did you do for your 40th anniversary? And he's like, oh, I went and picked her up. Like I went and got brought a bottle back. And that was his dad joke. And it was that same idea of like, oh, like, wait a minute, length of time doesn't define the quality of a relationship. Like the idea that I think today we celebrate someone who's like, even, even and I have to be careful of this in my own self.

Like, we're like, oh yeah, you've been together for 10 years. That's amazing. You've been together for 20 years. That's amazing. And you have no idea what that person's experiencing on a daily basis in terms of intimacy, depth, connection. And the biggest thing I find is just. not only do we celebrate it, we want it, we long for it.

We think if we reach that landmark, that means something, that that alone means that we've made it. That alone means that we don't have certain issues. Whereas most divorces and breakups in longer term relationships happen at the five to seven year mark. And so they've had a milestone of five years. They're on their way to 10 years. But you start finding out that these timelines

don't artificially improve the quality of a relationship. So I would, and being. too early or too late, being too old or too young. I think there's the idea of like, oh, you're too young to fall in love. You're too old to fall in love. Like you're too young to find the one. You're too old to find the one. And so all of these timelines set us back to feeling like, well, well, when is right? And I think we measure time as opposed to how we feel as opposed to what we know. And I'd go to that third one the most. It's less about how much time you've spent together. It's less about just how you feel. and it's almost about how much you know about that person

and how they respond to stress, to fatigue, to change, to pain. The more you know that stuff, the more you know whether a relationship's going to last. So I brought it up because I think when you are single, it's easy to look around you and be like, everybody I know has been with their partner for five years. And it doesn't matter, you know? Yeah.

And I think that you can find really valuable things in the short term. And just because somebody has reached this mile marker doesn't mean that they are happy or have achieved it. So, yeah. Yeah. So if we're talking to people who are single and like, I want to find love, I want to fall in love. I mean, there's so many different avenues we could go down here. But in the book, I mean, there's a lot of, I mean, the age old thing is you have to love yourself first, yada, yada, yeah,

we get it. But like how do you feel like someone can really prepare themselves to even be open to a healthy relationship in terms of like prepping for love? Like how do we get ready? Yeah. Now, I know you both have lots of amazing advice on this and you just shared it on my show too. so I'm not going to repeat anything you've said before or things that have come up for you. I found three things that I think you need to know about yourself before you get into a relationship. So pretty easy. The first one's obvious. It's your own personality, likes and dislikes.

I find that, you know, you end up in a relationship. But it was like, what do you want to eat? What do you want to watch? And then it just goes round around in circles. And I find that often people don't know themselves at the basic end of the food they like, the cuisine they like, the movies they like to watch. And I'm saying that as a simple thing. but it can be complex that we just never were asked ourselves. Maybe we always did what your older brother or sister did.

Maybe your last relationship just decided what you're into. Like, when have you ever sat down to think, what is it that I deeply enjoy? What is it that brings my soul alive? What is it that gives me a sense of meaning and what's important to me? And as simple as movies and food, all the way through to life decisions. So that's the first thing, personality. The second is your own values. I find that this is probably the most critical.

part of any relationship, knowing what you value, knowing what's important to you, knowing what you want to commit your life to, or at least the next five, 10 years, knowing what's valuable in different scenarios. Like, do you have a hierarchy of how you would organize your life in terms of your career, family, love life? Like, where does that sit for you? Because the chances are, if you don't have that list, you're going to trade it for someone else's.

And I think this happens all the time where when you don't know what your values are, you just start to value whatever that person. values. And then 10 years later, you're like, God, I've just been valuing what you value. I don't know what I value. So I want people to avoid that. And the final thing I'd say is, what are your goals? Like, where do you want to go? And chances are if you have goals, you're going to have commitments, you're going to have things that you want to do. You're going to have plans. You're going to have people around you that want to do the same thing. It's what you both were saying on my show. You have a stable foundation. You have a life you love. And a life you love is based on those three

things, personality values and goals. And so if you don't know the answer to those, or at least somewhat, I think it's hard. It's so well said. And I love the whole idea of checking in with yourself, what are your values? Because we asked an Instagram, you know, what questions do you have for Jay Shetty and his book? And so many people kind of echoed the same thing of like, I don't know what I want. How do I know what I know what I want? How do I know if this is the right person? How do I know this is the one? How do I know what attachment style feels good? How do I know what love is versus lust? And what you're saying is like just checking in with yourself. It's just, you know, it's Yeah, I think the problem is all of our emphasis and all of our focuses on, is that person right for me?

But half of that question is me. Who am I? Like, what am I? Like, what do I want? And so we're so obsessed with getting to know the other person in the beginning. But we don't know ourselves. We don't understand ourselves. Like, you can only see if two things match if you have clarity over this thing.

You're not going to have clarity over the other person for quite some time. But you've been living with for your whole life. You can have clarity. So it's almost going back to the age old wisdom of focus on what you can control. Like you can't control if someone loves you. You can't control if someone likes you. You can't control if someone's telling you the truth. But you can control if you're telling the truth.

You can control if you like yourself. And you can control if you're communicating that. I think actually something you brought up, which I loved, was your stance on kids and having kids. Right. The idea that you know that about yourself means you're not scared about presenting that. you're aware that if someone does, it's easy to be like, okay, well, this isn't going to work out. It just starts creating some boundaries and constraints that actually make it easier to find the right person, as opposed to you saying, I'm an open book.

Like, you can win. Like, do whatever, and I'll be impressed by whatever you do because I'm not sure. I'll fit somewhere. Yeah. I'll be whatever you want me to be, like Ryan Goss. Exactly. Does this correlate with the writing a love letter to yourself in the book? Yes.

Because I love that exercise. Yeah. And you do, there's a lot of things in the book that are actionable things. things you can do. Can we talk about that a little bit? Yeah. So the book is full of practical exercises because in my professional life, I'm a coach. I have a private coaching practice. I work with couples, individuals, have for many, many years. And so I love practical exercises things people can actually do. And the book's more like a workbook in that sense. But each section has a love letter to yourself. I'm a big fan of writing to yourself, talking to yourself, connecting

with yourself just because that's the only way you get to change your own dialogue. I think we already talk to ourselves. I'm not good enough. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I think he or she is out of my league or they are out of my league. I feel inadequate sometimes. Oh my God, do I look good today?

I'm not sure. So we already talk to ourselves, but 90% of that conversation is unhealthy and negative. Studies show we have 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. 80% of those are negative and 80% of those are repetitive. Wow. So if you're having the thought of like, I'm not good enough,

chances are you're having that thought multiple times per day. Sure, just reinforced. Correct. So when you write a love letter to yourself, especially in your singledom or when you're alone, it's a chance of saying,

well, what do I want my thoughts to be when I'm alone? You both had amazing answers on my show when I asked you, what do you bring to the table? And it wasn't boastful. It wasn't arrogant. and it wasn't egotistic.

It was just, I have a great life. And that is a love letter to yourself. Like, that's basically what you were doing. So I think carving out time to write a letter to yourself, almost in the view of how do I wish I spoke to my four-year-old self, my eight-year-old self, my 12-year-old self, what were the things, the hateful things? I made a video probably about four years ago now,

and it was to show this exact idea, and it applies to the love letter, and that's where the idea came from. I interviewed a group of teenage girls who were probably between the ages of like 16 to 19 and I asked them how they would describe themselves or how they feel about themselves and they all said, I'm too dark, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny,

whatever it may have been, but it was some extreme of that type and it was really painful. Some of them cried, some of them were deep breathing. It was emotional for them to express that, but they were very vulnerable. What they didn't know is we had their younger sisters watching from behind the scenes. So their sisters were actually watching this conversation. And after I had this conversation with them, I invited their younger sisters out who'd been writing a letter to them about how they felt about them. And so these, it's truly my favorite video I've ever created in my life because it wasn't casted, it wasn't cure.

It was like, it was all real. and these little girls came out, not all of them, but their younger sisters came out and had these, like, literally like these letters of love for their sisters. And they read them out. And it was just the most heartwarming thing in the world because these girls who saw themselves as less than as unworthy, their sisters were like, you're my idol, you're my inspiration.

Like, you're everything to me. And that exchange is what we have to learn to give ourselves. You may not have a younger sister brother or a person in your life. you may not have our older sister brother person in your life who does that. We've got to do that for ourselves. And I hope that those love letters will be the notes you wish other people wrote for you. I love that. There's probably a lot to be said for like writing a love letter to your younger self or even like your future self.

I have a friend of ours who's like a psychic medium, all the things. Like she's been doing that exercise with some women. Like write a letter to your future self manifesting what you picture your life to be at that time that you're writing that. And she said people have been really. getting what they want. I just think it's really powerful. And sometimes people feel like that's so corny. And it's like, I don't know.

What's better? That or all the negative commentary you have running through your head about yourself. That's my point, right? You've only got two choices. So it's like, right? Like it's either this negative repetitive pattern that we know where that goes. We've already lived that truth. Right.

So why not try something new? And yes, it might be a bit in the beginning, might feel a bit corny or may feel a bit cheesy. But I promise you that having a great relationship with yourself is not cheesy or cool. There's this marketing tactic that if you get served, the same ad takes three times to like buy something. And imagine you told yourself something terrible like a hundred times and now you've trained your brain to think this. And if we start the opposite practice

of checking it three times, maybe you'll actually buy that you're a good product. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I always say to people that you can only control, you can't control 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. But you can control your first thought of the day and the last thought of your day. And if the first thought of the day is one that you want to start your day with, that's awesome. And if the last thought is one you're grateful for, that's great. Like, that's what you're working on. So, three thoughts is good. I like that. I love that. Well, I think that, like, so much of this, I love thinking about finding love in terms of starting with yourself and stopping the day of self-talk and thinking about what you want. So if we get to the point where we're like,

okay, I've done all that work, easy, you know, done, did it. And we're ready to find love. You talk a lot in your book about not writing this prescribed list of traits you want. And instead creating love, so I would love for you to talk about it. Oh, yeah. Well, I wrote that quote down. Just how do you intentionally build love instead of wishing, wanting, and waiting for it to arrive fully formed? So, study shows 70% of people believe in soulmates.

And that's mind-blowing to me because their definition is there's one person who's perfectly made for me that are meant to find. And when we find each other, that will be here. Boo. Right. No, no, no. And by the way, I'm on your side too. I don't.

It's fairy tale. Actually, it's the 30%. Yeah. Yeah, I don't agree. I don't agree with that because the challenge with that is you're saying that you're going to wish, want, wait, hope to find that one person, which means you might have to go through 8 billion people in the world to know, right? Otherwise, there's always plenty more fish in the sea. There's always more choice. It gets up a little bit of control, too.

You know, you're not really in the driver's seat in this scenario. You're just like, it's out there. It does. And what I actually love about love is that love's a choice. So if you don't believe they're soulmates, you're actually saying we're choosing to be together. like you're saying that that person wasn't made for me or meant for me we made it work like isn't that so much better that we actually found someone that we cared enough to commit to so yeah that was the fully formed piece of just making the point that you're not going to suddenly find someone

who ticks every box and I think if you have too much of a prescribed list someone could tick seven and not tick three and now they're off the list it gets really hard or you think you're compromising on three things when you're actually not I think my challenge with the list of what you want in a person is often it's very vague it's also just like good sense of humor tall attractive funny interesting smart like that's like a lot of people and not a lot of people right like that's just that's not a good enough list in terms of oh kind and it's like okay well someone could be kind and still a narcissist or someone could be someone could be kind and manipulative like you're not writing things off by having that list and therefore i think you're

better of seeing what someone shows you and experiencing them and actually getting to know someone in how they react. So, for example, if you only see someone when you're both happy, when you have two hours free every week, you're not seeing them. You're seeing them for two hours happy a week. If you call someone after work when they're stressed out, now you're seeing them. If you see someone with their family, now you're seeing them. If you see someone with their friends, you're seeing them. You're now starting to actually see them. And so I find a lot of the time we're seeing a specific version of someone and if in that two hours they can be kind, sincere, loving, we're saying they're kind, loving, sincere, but they're not exposed to any of the stuff that

makes us those other things. I was reading a study recently that was showing how it's not that we're not kind people, it's that we're dealing with so much stress that stress stops us from being kind or stress stops us from being who we want to be. How someone deals with stress is almost a bigger telling sign of who they are and how they express themselves than if you see them in perfect mode all the time. Also like, yeah, hot take, a kind person. Who's out here saying I want someone unkind? Yeah, exactly. That's my point. Isn't that just kind of a given? And if you're like, I want unkind, high tail it to therapy. That's crazy. I want someone to be a dick to me, not respect me, across my boundaries, you know. So, yeah, I think we can take kind as a given.

I see this a lot in online data where you look at profiles and they're just, the person they're describing could be anybody. And the person that, like, they're saying that they want, could be anybody. So people are like, I love to travel and I just want somebody nice. And I'm just like, I don't know. That could be anybody. You know, I don't know if I fit into your list and I don't know anything about you either. You like your family. You like to travel. That's everybody alive. And that's a good starting point, but that's what I'm saying. It can't be that list. And so I break it down to three things. I think that you find people and I think you agree because of what you were saying back on my show. There's three things, people, projects and places. So I feel that you find the person you

want to be with in places of equal value. That could be anywhere from a club, a society, a surfing group, a cycling group, a book club. Like, it's a place that you go to where you find someone because you're into the same thing. If you can narrow it down by that. And I've, I've met people who've met at charities and like, you know, or travel groups or whatever maybe. Yeah, we're like a dog event. Like, yeah, we both love dog. Like, you know, I'm not going to go to a Trump rally and expect to get a guy there. No, that example. No, but no, but even like when you're, You think about like everyone's like hoping to bump into someone at Air One in L.A. Or like, you know, like you're,

my bags have an airplane. Yeah, exactly. I am, yeah. You're hoping to bump into someone at a grocery store. You're hoping to bump into someone at a bar. You know, you think you're going to bump into someone when you look your best, right? Like you have that idea that like, oh, and I'm dressed up at night, like, that's when I'm going to bump into the one. Actually, you might be meeting someone in a very overly curated way.

And that may not be where you meet them. But it may be. And when people say you find someone when you least expect it, it's not that. I think sometimes you find someone when you're least prepared in the sense of you're not going out and going, I'm going to find someone tonight. Because sometimes those places you look in aren't the places that you find a long term healthy relationship. And so you have people of equal value as well that introduce you. I think we spoke about that. The idea that if you have someone in your life who has equal values or things they care about, that person's going to make great intros.

And I think making people aware and getting connected. And then the final is projects of equal value. I think at work, you were saying that, you know, with your work, you're more likely to bump into more people. Yeah. And I think people underestimate just how much work, charity work, any work around their world, even taking on a side hustle or a side gig, like where you're likely to bump into someone. Mm-hmm. Well, Raina mentioned dating apps, which kind of jog my memory or something I wanted to ask you about, that was what we put out there to the world is what we get back. Yeah.

And the way you stated, I forget the exact quote, but what you perceive to be valuable. like you can obviously speak on it, but I just love the examples of like, a man that's going to put on his dating app or he's going to put out in the world, like I have this fancy car, have all this money and then complains when women just use him for his money.

Or I guess a woman that has, you know, her butt crack on her hinge. And she's like, these guys just think I just want to fuck. It's like, I don't know. Your booty hole was like, front and center. Are you going butt crack first? I'm not, but I'm saying like, and it's not that you deserve to be violated.

Objectified. That's a better word than violated. But if you're putting. out a certain type of energy, you are going to get it back. Yeah. We make decisions based on three to eight seconds of what we see of someone, right? Whether it's a picture or a short video or a short clip or a little bio, you're making a big decision based on very little information. And so that little information becomes even more valuable. And so I was talking about in my book, I have this idea, which is you attract what you use to impress. There it is. Right? You attract what you use to impress.

And so if I was giving an example of my client who's always dripping in like Gucci or Louis Vuitton or whatever it may be, he'll always be a varying designer. Now, he is wealthy, granted. But if that's all anyone ever sees, and then a month later he's complaining, oh, she just wanted me to buy her Gucci handbags. And I'm like, well, what did you expect? That's what you set yourself up for. Or if you're impressing someone only through one aspect of yourself and you're banking on that aspect, I promise you, they're going to stay with them. you for that and they'll leave you because of that because someone else does that aspect better, whether that's your looks, whether that's money, whether that's fame. Like if someone does it better,

you're replaceable now because you've marketed yourself. And I think we don't like this idea because we don't think we're marketing ourselves. But today on the apps, it is literally like online shopping, right? That's the experience people are having. It's like, do I want that? No. Do I want that? Oh yeah, I would want that. But then if you've only got the retention based on, you know, the ad in the shop front, then you've got to be ready for that's what they're primarily looking for. Absolutely. And it goes conversely also. If you're just, if your primary thing is I'm looking for somebody with money, which go off. Money makes things really fun. Or just looking for sex or whatever. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. I'm not saying. No, there's nothing. Robin. I love

money and money's great. And it makes things really fun and easier. But if all you're seeking out is money or sex and then that's what you get from a person, you can't be necessarily disappointed if the other things that you wanted, like, listen, everybody should be kind to you, but if your primary thing was money or your primary thing is being degraded in bed, did you look at the other things? I like it. I like it. So you can't be mad when that's what you get. You know, I know somebody in particular, I think she only dates for money and what people do for work. And that's fine because I know that she wants stability. And lots of people want that. And I think that money helps you, helps you to be a good parent sometimes. She dates for that. And then she seems almost

surprised and disappointed when somebody only talks about their money. And I'm just like, where's the surprise here? That's a really interesting point, right? If you date someone for money, you may get financial stability, but get tons of emotional instability, right? Or emotional disinterest. And that's, I love that point you're making. Like, it's also how we define these words.

Like, if you're saying, I want stability. I fully respect and understand that. But are you open to emotional volatility for financial stability? right and I think we're not letting someone show us what else they are I think it's also there's there's this it's really subtle and I think I encourage everyone to learn about the biases in our mind and psychology because we don't even know when they're acting on us and so one of the biases is called the halo effect and the halo effect is when you find something attractive about someone you start giving them other qualities so if you think someone's good looking

you believe they're trustworthy if someone has a good job they must be organized, right? If someone's famous, then they must be really likable and interesting. So you start placing all these other qualities that are actually nothing to do with that quality, but you start just giving them away. And so my take is be more of someone who's going to experience someone's energy and decide that rather than assuming it exists because of something else you've seen. Yeah.

Some of this is just sitting down and thinking about it. And I know sometimes those things are hard. when you're also flooded with hormones and emotions and things like that. Like, you're like, well, I don't want to sit down and have to like be discerning about whether or not, you know, I just want to believe he's like the superstar that I think he is. Yeah. It's like we all do it though. You can't really fault.

But at some point you have to actually think about it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you should only think about it if you want to take care of your heart in six months, right? Like that's why. Like, you don't have to think about it. You can just go with your feelings and you can feel great. for three months, six months, and then end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

And so the only reason that you have to be discerning or reflective or thoughtful about this is to protect yourself. And I think now more and more we have to protect ourselves. And when I say protect ourselves, I don't mean don't go on dates. I'm not saying don't go meet people. I'm not saying don't have fun. I'm just saying that you've got to be thoughtful with your emotions. And I think we often leave our emotions at the door when we're attracted to someone or when we're infatuated or find someone to be, especially out of our league. I think that's a really interesting idea that's been planted by media that when you think someone's out of your league

and again, that idea comes from movies and TV and all the rest of it. And it's like, well, based on what? Like, if you're saying someone's out of your league, chances are you're only looking at them through one lens. Right. Because you're not looking at the full relationship. You're not looking at it 360. Yeah.

It's also okay to check into yourself and say, I made a mistake. I want to un-chose this choice. Like, you know, like maybe you dated for money and success and you get into that and you're like, I'm inside of this big home and from the outside, it looks great, but I'm not happy in the home. You know, it's okay. I think we're really afraid to like admit like we fucked up and like admit quote unquote failure. But it's fine to unchoose that choice. And it's better than staying longer.

Yeah. I had a client who'd married someone who's extremely wealthy and then felt controlled by his family and their security. So security had to follow around everywhere. where because... Oh, like, security security security security guards. Security guards. Yeah, Rainer's already... Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We'll hook you up with their security guard. But yeah, security guards had to be around her, like... And they weren't famous. They were wealthy, but that was part of it. I know you interview a lot of famous people, Jay. They had to take out, you know, they had to get permission to leave the home. Right. And it wasn't that the person wasn't good to them.

It was just their lifestyle came with other ramifications. Yeah. It's hard being married to Harry. And that's very extreme, of course. Yeah. Well, you're obsessed with love and you, you know, you wrote a book about it, but in general, and one of the themes I love is that like just putting more love out into the world to get it back.

And we love the importance of non-romantic love too. And I just love talking about this topic because I am not in a romantic relationship, but I feel so full of love with my family and my friends and now my passions in life and love for myself, of course, too. And so I just would love to speak on that because I think that. If you feel devoid of love completely, it seems like you would be more inclined to enter into an unhealthy romantic relationship because you're almost desperate for love. Yeah, I think we've placed romantic love at the top of the hierarchy of love.

So we believe that if you have a person, then your life is perfect. And almost all the other love you have in your life is insignificant. Like it's not as important. It's secondary to that, for sure. It's like, okay, if I have a person, then my life is perfect. If I don't, then my life is imperfect, no matter how much love I have. Yeah. And I was working with a lot of single moms, like, coaching.

And I was like, wait a minute, these single moms, like, adore their children. Yeah. And their children adore them, like, love them, like, anything. And I was like, so are we saying that love is not as important as the love that a romantic couple has? I was like, well, are we evaluating that love is less worth it? Or, like, siblings. I know siblings that absolutely. love each other, that have each other's back, that have a great bond.

My sister's like that, right? Like, I was talking about her before. Like, my sister has my back no matter what, I have hers. And I think that that's a beautiful source of love in my life that I've had in my life for my whole life. And I would never say that that was less than the love I have in my wife. It's different, but it's not less than in terms of the experience of love. And so I think what we've done is we've placed romantic love on a pedestal.

And because of that, we feel unworthy and inadequate when we have actually all this other love in our lives. And I think if you actually looked around at your life, you'd realize you have so much love from your family, you have so much love from your friends. You have so much love if you do have children. You have so much love from your parents and the love you have for your parents. I mean, my wife right now is in London because her grandmother's in hospital. And she's with her grandmother because her grandmother is her favorite person on earth. And I have no issue saying that. Like, I know my wife.

Like, I have no issue saying that because watching my wife love her grandmother and her grandmother's love for her is so beautiful. And so I would hope that anyone who's single or someone who's broken up recently or someone who's actually been with someone for decades and now it hasn't worked out, please don't think your life is over or incomplete because of that because there's so many more people to love and receive love from. It is so true. It's a beautiful sentiment.

And I think it goes back to what you were saying in the beginning that we're taught to be embarrassed to be at a wedding by ourselves. And I think that we grow up feeling like, you know, even if I check the box of like success and money and hobbies and friends that like if I don't check the romance box that like everything is terrible. Totally. And I remember thinking after the worst breakup of my life, all the people that swarmed around me, all the people that came over to like sit, sit, show up with me as I was born in the breakup. Thank you. People that like brought me food or like took our engagement presents, put them on the curb for me. You know, the amount of people that just circulated through my home just to like make sure

I was okay, make sure I didn't sleep alone at night. It meant so much to me and it made me be like, oh my God, I have so much in my life that I did. Why did I hang on to this relationship that I knew wasn't right? And even though he was a kind person, I didn't really want to marry this person. Why did I hang on to this? Because I was like, oh my God, look at all these things around me. But sometimes it almost takes like a terrible situation to realize that.

And the sad thing is those are often the people that get forgotten when you're in a relationship. Sure. A lot of the time, like you have this amazing community, a great group of people around you. You get into a relationship. You forget about all those amazing people. But when you break up, they're there to help you. Yeah. When your partner's traveling, they're there to help you.

And those are the people that are the ones that are there. I mean, Raina and I, we do have this podcast about dating and sex and relationships, but people really feel like it's about our relationship with each other and just female friendship in general. And whenever we do a friendship episode, it's just crush. I love that. It's a friendship podcast. But those are the real deal, those like long-term friends and family.

And I love what you said too. I mean, when my dog passed, my previous dog, like, the outpouring of love, like, healed my heart. Like, it really was the thing that helped me get through it. People were, like, you really were able to get through that traumatic experience. It was pretty rough. But it was like, that was how. That was literally how. just feeling the love from other people, it heals you.

It does. You brought up something that I think is interesting. It's sometimes we do get into relationships and we just jettison everything. Yeah, because we have it on the pedestal. Like, nothing else matters. So if you get the top love, the other ones fall by the wayside. Literally. Yeah.

And it's important, I think, to really check in with yourself because I didn't in my 20s. I didn't say to myself, like, well, maybe I don't need to be with him every day of the week. Maybe I should like have more dinners with my friends. And I don't have to call him like a girl's night out. Maybe I could just have a night out with my friends and enjoy it a little more and prioritize these people more. And it became such a priority for me after that breakup because you're like, these people are still here and they still want to support you. But we do forget to do that, I think sometimes. I think in a relationship, and I break this down in the book, I set up like an ideal week.

The calendar. Yeah, the calendar. And I'm not saying you have to live your week that way. It was just an idea of the things to think about. I think when we get into a relationship, we think about it's just me and them. and if me and them are good, then things are good. And if me and them are bad, then things are bad. And all of our recession becomes about, well, how are me and them,

I, the person you're with? And actually, there's time you need by yourself every week. I think everyone needs a break, no matter how much you love each other. It's why friendship works so well. It's because you don't see each other 24-7 every single day. Why, we don't fly together in the same area of the plan. Really? We fly and see flight.

We just don't sit together. Do you really do that? We just don't. We just try to not. We're together a lot. We'd like to take space from each other. We're not a romantic partner. And can you imagine, so you do that as friends and it wasn't awkward at all.

Imagine you said to your partner, like someone you were dating and you were like, you know what? I don't want to see next to you on the plane because I think we should take some time out. Like it would be seen as like everything's ending. Yes. And I know that Rain and I don't have a romantic relationship, duh. Do you? The things that we're able to do I want so badly in a romantic partner one day where I

could be like, I need a little space or like, you know, that's what I'm saying. We're able to really clearly communicate and it's not an insult. and it doesn't mean I love her any less or anything like that. But that's what I'm saying, right? So like spending time alone. Second thing is spending time with that person, obviously.

The third thing is spending time with your own friends. I find a lot of people's relationships hide in big groups of couples. So people are always spending time with lots of couples and they're in a relationship. But then they never spend time alone. They never spend time with their own friends. And they never spend that much time with each other unless they're surrounded by lots of people.

And you can hide in that. You can hide your relationship. in that space and constantly look for external forms of stimulation to feel excited about your own relationship. And so I think an ideal week or an ideal month includes time by yourself, time with your partner, time with your own friends, and time with collective friends. And that's like a healthy balance of the different relationships you need in your life. Absolutely. And you really lay it out so easily. You can just map it out, map your week out. I mean, my parents have been married for 40 years, not the length matters.

But they're still, they're like the... Yeah, but they're really happy. They're like a different level. And so much of as that is the separate friends. My mom has more friends than anyone I know. She's the busiest retiree. Like, she has so many activities and friends and different groups of friends. They travel separately.

She goes on girls' trips all the time. Like, it never changed. And you see couples that that's it. It's just someone's mom and dad and they have no friends and they're together every night. They have the same routine. And it really gives me the ick. Yeah. I mean, you can't let having nothing else in your life be the reason to stay with this person.

It's a really dangerous place to be. I think we start to make really bad decisions about our own mental health and sometimes our safety when we have nothing else in our lives. It's a really bad thing to do for yourself. So the more you can have friends outside of your relationship, but the more you can travel, I remember this relationship ended and I was like, I've never traveled. What the fuck have I been doing all these years?

And it's, you make a lot of decisions based on. I can't lose this because I'll lose everything. And it's a bad place to be. So we've done a lot of talk about being single and some pitfalls of being a relationship. But I would love to turn around and just hear what you feel like is the best thing about romantic love and like your relationship. Like how does it, what do you feel like the best part of that type of relationship is? From my own experience? Yeah, sure.

So I haven't seen my wife for 10 days. We're used to spending time apart because I travel for work. She travels for work. She goes back to London. And I'm happy and good and things are great. And then I'll FaceTime her and be like, wow, I'm so much more happy when I see your face. It's like that moment where it's like, oh, wow, I was good. I didn't even actually, I was fine.

Like, things were great. And then all of a sudden I realized how great they could be. And I think that's one of my favorite things about being in a relationship is the reminder for me of just how incredible things can be. If I had to say, I'll give a fun answer and I'll give a deeper answer. A fun answer is like, I love having someone that I can do so many normal things with, right? Like someone that you're happy to do anything and everything with. It doesn't have to be this amazing date. It doesn't have to be something incredible.

It can be as simple as like, oh, we're just going to go shopping. We're just going to go for a walk. We're just going to go do this. You know, we're just, I think having someone that you can do everyday things with, but it still feels meaningful is actually a really beautiful thing to do the ordinary. With my wife, one of our favorite things to do together is try out new things together. And so whether it's escape rooms, whether it's a pottery class, a cooking class, whether it's a rage room.

We literally went, I don't know if you've ever been to a rage room. We broke stuff. Dried stuff. Very uncomfortable. So, oh, here's a tip. So usually people go there when they're mad and it de-stresses you. The problem is we went there quite peaceful and it stressed us out. So do not go.

Only go if you want to hit a picture of an ex or, you know, like. Can you bring them? You can bring pictures. They actually said to us, they're like, who do you want to hit today? I was like, we're good. I don't think you can start a fire? Can you start a fire? I almost missed that.

I'm so glad that I did not. Actually, like, could I commit orson in the room? If that doesn't exist, we're starting that. In a trash event, fire rooms. They give you baseball bats. They give you, there's like old, broken computers, fax machines. They give you bottles. Like, all this old stuff and they lock you in a room.

And me and my wife walked out stress. But then they told us afterwards. This was a mistake. That's so true. Don't go unless you really need range to get out. And we didn't need it. We didn't need it. So that was, so I, we love, and this is part of something I talk about that.

I think a lot of couples today, the studies show that the most common thing we do, and we don't even need a study, we know this. The most common thing we do with our partners is watch TV, right? Like, that's what we do. And there's no surprise that intimacy is dropping, depth dropping, physical connections dropping because all we do is watch TV together. That's so true. There's no shared experience.

There's no connection. There's no feeling of like, oh, we just did that together. We experienced something together. There's no like, oh, you're more attractive after watching that TV program. You don't feel any of that after watching a show on TV. Whereas when you do something fun and new and exciting, your partner's more exciting. They're more fresh. They're more attractive.

They're more interesting. You get more curious. So much happens when you do things. My wife right now is really into extreme sports. where we go. She's like, I want to surf. I want to wakeboard. And it's like, she's such a badass. I wish she was here. Like, yeah, watching her do that is so cool. I'm not joining it, because I'm like, I'm good. But it's so, you feel so much more attracted to your partner when you're seeing them do things they love and they're seeing you do things you love. And so

I think that's been a big, big part of what's kept our relationship so fun and exciting and fresh is that she's constantly seeing me grow in so many ways. I'm seeing her grow in so many ways. And And that allows for that spark to stay, as opposed to like you only see your partner cook the same meal, clean the same place, do the laundry, which is, which we all do normal. But it's like, if you're only seeing your partner do those things, how are you suddenly going to feel that energy towards the deal? You're so right. It doesn't breed new experiences. I think about this all the time. I used to work in a restaurant and somebody came into buy a gift card for a wedding. They bought a gift card to all the restaurants. And the message on the gift card said never stop dating as their

marriage gift. And I, that's very much what you're described. You're married, but you guys don't ever stop dating. And that is so inspiring to me. And you always just want to create new experiences because like, what is there to talk about? If every day we come home, we just watch TV. Or your date is dinners and a movie, right? Like even that, like dating in that way. Like, let's do date now. Okay, we'll go for dinner. We'll both be on our phones. We'll say we went out on date night. Then we watched a movie together and went to sleep. Well, and you can, even if that's the lowest level, that's all you got, at least go somewhere new restaurant-wise. Try different type of cuisine or, you know,

such low-hanging fruit is a comedy show. Yeah, I mean, there's so much to do. And I also understand when you're just tired. I get it. I've all the empathy in the world for people that have a bunch of kids and you're like, but it's almost like maybe that's not what's happening in this season of our lives, but eventually we can get back there. And I think you see couples go through those waves where all they can do with this house

of kids is fucking watch TV. And that's really all they got. And that makes sense for that season for sure. Yeah. You know? And then there's babysitters too. Like I just think, again, I can't give relationship advice to people that have been married for married for one, ever. But it's it's such a good call of like what else do you have to talk about and keep it fresh and exciting. You know what I like to step it up a level is like instead of the dusty old movie theaters. I love those like ones with the giant seats that recline. They serve you food and alcohol while you're in the seats. Like it's a dream date. Just step it up a little. Or go to the drive-in, make out in the car. Finger somebody in a car. get fingered.

Yes. Bring some spirit off Ices. Give a low job. Yeah. She took it there. Well, you asked us something as we were wrapping up on your show. It really was such a pleasure and we encouraged people to go listen to that because gosh, I loved it so much.

What would you say is some of your best relationship advice? What's the best relationship advice? No one ever asked me this back. Or that you've heard. Yeah. Or that you've heard. All right. Take your time.

We'll add it out the pause. No, you can give the pause in. I want it to be a thoughtful answer. I have another burning question too. You can give three things, whatever. The best relationship advice I've ever heard received or giving. See, it's tough. It is tough.

It's very tough, right? We're going to do the worst also in a second. Yeah, do it. I'd say the best advice is don't be afraid to grow, but make sure you communicate it to your partner. So I think often we're changing and growing, but we don't communicate in the change and the transition. We communicate when it's done.

And then our partner has to be. catch up behind. Then our partner has to catch up. So often what happens is we've gone through three years of internal turmoil and we finally made it. Like we're there where we want to be. Now we tell our partner what's going on, but they didn't have three years to witness it and experience it. And so you're expecting them in three minutes to understand something you took three years to do. And then you feel that they don't understand you and they're not with you. And it's not true. They just need time to catch up. Yeah. I love that. That was really beautiful.

Do you want to ask your question or should we get the worst advice first? Yeah. I'll do the worst. What position do you like? What's, yeah, what do you think the worst dating advice is? It can be grabbed back. It could be a couple things. Yeah.

No, no, no. I like it. You made me thinking. I think something better came out. So let me have another kid. It will work out. Oh, God. Like I've had, like, I've had so many of my friends have been told that.

By who? Literally. I've, like, genuinely, or have a kid, it will work out. Like, just make that. It will legally bind you. Yeah. More so than a marriage even though. I've had a lot of people that I know at least that have honestly opened up and told me

that that that's the advice they got. If you've got issues, have a kid, you guys will bond. It will be a bond like no other. Interesting. You can't use a kid is that. Like, can't use a kid to bond. Like a kid should deepen your bond, but it's not to use it as the bond. It's so interesting to now observe my brother and his wife with their new baby.

Jay. With Jay. Baby Jay. I can't imagine, well, I mean, I have all the respect in the world for a single parent. It's like it's because of how difficult it is. And on top of potentially a single parent, just being in a relationship that's not loving and healthy because of what you have to do together. And people do this.

And again, all the respect in the world for them, this is not an insult. But it's so much better when there is love there in partnership and you're on the same team, like just to watch them work together. because of the constant around-the-clock care that it takes to raise a human and a healthy human, you know, because those attachment styles really start at birth.

I feel like we're seeing so much more research about how early those things really do start and how important it is. I can't imagine it any other way. And I feel for people who don't have that. And if you have that, you're so lucky because it's just, it's hard to fathom that you wouldn't feel that support

and that 50-50 partnership, raising a literal person. Yeah, your brother, I asked him at Christmas dinner. I was like, what is your experience been being a new father? Is it harder than people said? Is it easier? And he said, I don't know. He said, I have the best partner in the world to do this with.

And he was like, I'm just so lucky. I have her. She's just like the best. And it's nice to see two people be a team that really wanted to do this together. Right. That's the dream. They both wanted it so badly too. And then sometimes you see like a parent that's like, didn't really want it that bad.

And then they're a little checked out. And so, okay. My question. How do you meditate? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Someone who there's so much in what you do for living and also in the book of just stillness and being with yourself and meditation, things like this. And I think it seems so intimidating to some people. Like, is there any advice you have or anything for someone that's like, I got to start doing this? I got to start being with myself. I have to stop letting my mind run wild and really sit and meditate and do these things. Do you have any 101 place to start? Yeah, definitely. I mean, I'm genuinely not saying this as a plug.

I'm saying it because we created for this reason, but people can meditate with me every single day on the car map. Seven minutes. We talked about that on our... We talked about it. It's seven minutes every single day. It's new content every single day. Oh, every day.

Yeah, every single day. That's right. It's a daily day. It's called a daily day. The whole reason why I created that is because I always got this question. Okay. Saying, Jay, how do I meditate? And I'd always say, well, read this book or try this or try that.

And it would just be like, well, someone's going to do that for three days and give up. And so that's why we launched the Daily J, because you can literally meditate with me every single day on the Calm app. And the seven minutes is designed with everything from breathing to an insight to a reflection. So anyone who struggles with doing any of this stuff on their own, it gives you every aspect of what to do on your own. And so if you listen to every day, you'll get a bit of breathwork to calm you down to steal your body, to steal your mind. You get an insight. You've learned something new. You feel like you're growing.

And you'll get a reflection that you can take out and do with a friend or a family member or whatever it. may be. And so that really sets you up to already have a really simple and easy meditation practice. Well, I'm just going to go with it then. Calm.com slash gge for 40% off a premium subscription. I'm not kidding. And if you're struggling to start the other way, like if you're like, OJ, I don't want to do meditation, but I want to spend time with myself, and that's a very valid thought, what I would do, and I was going to talk about this earlier, I'm glad you asked this question is whether you've just been broken up with or whether you're single, go and do something hard alone.

Like go and do something hard. If you do something hard, I promise you, breaking up won't feel that hard anymore because you'll realize how strong you are. And I find that when people take up a sport, when people take up a new challenge, when people go and sign up to a new class,

when you go and break through limits that you thought you had mentally or physically or emotionally, so many of these feelings take care of themselves because you realize your self-worth and your own value. Oh my gosh. Go do something hard. Go do something tough on your own or with a friend or with a family member.

It can be with other people too. But go do something difficult. And you'll realize getting over someone wasn't as difficult as that. That is incredible advice. And it can be something as simple as I heard this on an episode of yours in Ice Bath. Yeah. Like you can do it. You know, that's a nightmare for some people.

And it's good for your body. Absolutely. To get out of there and be like, I breathed through that. Yes. Got through that. It's worth giving it a go. Definitely. And if you do it, partner it up with infrared sauna if you can.

So you want to do three to seven minutes in the ice tub and then 15 minutes in the sauna and do three cycles. Oh my gosh. This sounds amazing and terrifying. I love that. It was scary the first time I did it. I did it out of peer pressure. It's just so, you know, that's good. It's scary.

Yeah, it is good. The first time I did it, I was so scared. I only did it out of peer pressure. And because the person I was doing it with lasted four minutes, I had to last four minutes. What? So I was in there for the first time for four minutes, which is really difficult. That's really crazy. But then when I broke through that, I was like, I can do this.

You're like, I could handle a breakup. I can handle divorce after this. Yeah, you can handle a lot of stuff. I just think that a lot of limits are in our mind, right? And so the more limits you break in your mind, you start going, oh, wow, like, I'm so much stronger than I thought it was. Yeah, traveling by myself, I was like, oh, shit, I really can do anything. You don't have to go to Cambodia by yourself like I did.

But, I mean, just go to, just go upstate. Just take a drive by yourself. Seriously, I mean, not everybody has the money and the time to go take some more. crazy trip. Go one night upstate and stay overnight by yourself and you're like, I handled this by myself, I did this all alone, or jump in an ice bath. Or you can go to dinner by yourself. I have some people's nightmare. I don't love doing it, but I definitely love like a solo breakfast lunch. You know, you can bring a book if you feel like you need a crutch, but just if that's scary to you, do that. Yeah, yeah. Or just watch other couples be on their phones.

Oh, actually, my favorite thing in the world is watching couples not talk to each other. I'm just like, I would so much rather be alone. It is so fascinating to me. I was a, I was a, I was, Juista and Vanis, my brother and his wife, and there was this couple next to us not speaking, and I was like, look at them, they're not talking. I was like, what? And I was like, they're not talking. And my sister-in-law was like, what are you saying? And I was like, they're not talking to each other? And I was like, oh my God, this is so embarrassing.

You ruined it for me. Now they are talking about us. For each other. You gave them something to talk about. I did. Exactly. Now they have a common enemy. Yeah, find a common enemy. Yeah, it'll build any bond. Well, Jay, this was such a pleasure. We love doing your show as well, so I want to direct people to your show so they can find you our episode, but everything that you do, and if you want to plug your

vegan chef wife also, whatever, please, I'm sure people will want more and more and more of you and the book, so tell everybody where to get it. So thankful, so grateful to you. I love having such a real conversation about relationships and love, and I'm so where it went. But for anyone who would like to read the book, it's 8 Rules of Love.com. You can order on Amazon Barnes & Noble, wherever you read books. You can also listen to it if you prefer audiobooks. I read it myself. And so some people are going to be into that for sure. I am, yeah. Yeah. They love the voice.

But thank you so much. Honestly, thank you to everyone who's been listening and watching as well. We have an amazing, amazing audience, and I really appreciate this time. Thank you. Thank you so much. This is a pleasure. Well, we hope you guys enjoyed the interview, and you can find us at girls got to eat.com, show tickets, merchandise, all of our episodes, all the things. Girls Got Eat Podcast and Instagram.

I'm Ash Hess. Raina is Raina. Dr. Greenberg. Girls underscore Got Eat on Twitter and vibes only.com for our other company. And subscribe to the YouTube, of course. And we'll see you next week. Have a good week, guys. Bye.