Girls Gotta Eat - Who's Your Daddy? feat. Comedian Chris Distefano

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

We are so thrilled to have the hilarious Chris Distefano as our first dad on the show to talk about fatherhood, baby mama drama, dating as a single parent, keeping the peace in the family, and much more. A little more about Chris: He's a history and animal expert (sorta), has super sperm (seriously), and has a really great outlook on life we're so happy to chat about. We also have him "mansplain" some confusing male behavior (including "He's watching all my Instagram stories but won't ask me out!?"), and we give an update on a shocking encounter with a dude Rayna used to like. We hope you love this one! Follow Chris on Instagram @ChrisDComedy, watch his Comedy Central special Size 38 Waist, and check his website for tour dates. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, and check our website for tour dates. Thank you to our sponsors for this episode: LegacyBox: Go to legacybox.com/gge and save 40% today. Buffy: For $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit Buffy.co and enter code GGE. Lola: To get 40% off subscriptions, go to MyLola.com and enter code GGE. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So I was like in my 20s and this kept happening. It just kept happening. I just kept getting everybody pregnant. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Year 2. Oh, my God. Episode 53.

Oh, we're counting again. Do you know for a really long time I thought there was 56 weeks in a year? Okay. All right. I just like to admit things that I didn't know about. excited about today. This is a guest that I got like a lot of text about from like girlfriends, even guy friends of like you guys got to have this guy on. Andrew Colin recommended that. I've had girlfriends that have had like crushes on this guy. So we- He's a haughty. I love him. We are so excited

to welcome Chris DeStefano to the podcast. We'll bring him on in a few. He's an amazing comedian. He has a new special out. Yeah. And you guys, I think we'll really like him. Anybody that Andrew likes, I feel like we like. Yeah. But anyway, so that's what's happening today. He is a dad. Hot dad alert. First, dad alert. Dilf.

He's our first Dilf. You're definitely going to Delf him. So we're so excited to have him on. But anyway, we wanted to catch up on what's been going on. We have an update. We do? Of a former guy that you spoke about. Oh, before we do that, we have been away.

I'm sorry shit. We've been away. We're going to give you, we're spoiler alert. We are recording this before we go on tour. That's okay. You never fuck up. We, yeah, a busy week ahead as we record now. So this is the 18th.

Yeah. Next week we'll give you guys full recaps on Boston, Chicago, Vancouver. That's it. I think you need one more. But yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to do that. Is that all? You guys know that we have tickets for sale for our upcoming live shows.

Always can get those at Girls Got to Eat, podcast.com backslash shows. Yes, definitely. as far as we know at this point, you're probably going to see still tickets available for Miami. Maybe Dallas. Maybe for Dallas. Maybe for Austin Show, too.

We don't know. Check it out. We'll let you know when they're sold out. So we will have told you on social media. So that's that. All right. So now, Raina, remind people about this guy we're going to give an update.

Because if you're like a hardcore listener, you listen to every episode, you should, this should come to mind this thing that happened. This is like a throwback. This is, I think, this summer. I remember actually that it was the day I had my first surgery for my veneers, so my teeth were looking good. Okay.

I also I got a ton of DMs about my veneers. Her name is Dr. Bridget. She's in the West Village. I love her. She's just, she's great. Check her out on Instagram. Anyways, I met this guy this summer. He is friends with my friend's boyfriend.

We ended up like alone. We hung out all night long. He was fine. I had a nice time with him. It was a good looking guy. He's the guy that I decided to take a new taxi. with and like we took a walk and like I just in the middle of the walk just walked out the street and threw my arm up and he had a cab didn't give him my number or anything yeah

I was like if he wants to contact me he'll contact me but now now that you said that it is all coming back to me that wasn't there other some weird stuff remember wasn't he showing you an Instagram of like his cars or something that was that guy he just he's like and he was weird about traveling no travels a lot I told you he like has a pilot's license and that's right but he was kind of a he was kind of finance broie not broie but he was like a very yeah like a regimented finance guy. He asked me, he said this one thing to me on the, when we were hanging out. I was like, this probably isn't like my person. He said to me like, what's your five-year plan? Oh, okay. And I was like, that's just not like a thing. Hey, new stranger that I just met tonight.

Shut the fuck up. It's fine. It was fine. We were out for like five hours. But I mean, you and me are not five-year plan people. No, I mean, five years. We have a plan. It's just world domination. We don't know how we're getting there. We're obviously going to get there. I'm not worried. I don't have a five-minute plan. Like, I just feel like you and I'm smart. And we'll take on the opportunity that we get. I don't have a five, I don't have a five minute plan. That's not my life.

I don't want to guy to ask me that. So anyway, anyways, probably not my person anyways, but I never heard from him, which is fine, because I'm like, okay, if guys want to find me,

they will. And if they're not interested, they won't. Right. He chose to not. And he followed me on Instagram. I see him, like, watching my stories,

but every story, I'm sure. That's how they roll. Yeah, my personal TV show is amazing. Yeah. So we went to a birthday party on Friday night,

same friend and boyfriend, and he was there. Yes. He was there and Raina told me he was going to be there. He'd already asked about you, I think. Wasn't he like I told our friend, like, I'm, you know, been following Raina, excited to see her again, whatever.

So you knew he was going to be there. I walk in. I wore my best outfit. I wore a sweatshirt. I wore a hoodie. Shout out to alternative apparel. That's my favorite. Free ads.

It's like you made me go there. What's the street? I forgot in LA. Abikinney. In L.A. Yeah. I loved it. But I have old school alternative apparel ties from Atlanta.

so I introduced Raina. I'm so proud to say this. We said this on the Instagram story very quickly, but I want to retell the story since we were talking about alternative apparel. So we're in the Alternative Apparel store on Abacitty in L.A., and Rana, I've never even seen her eyes light up

like they did when she saw all these sweatshirts and sweatpants. She just started grabbing stuff. You just started grabbing stuff. You would armfuls of clothes. You didn't even know what you're picking up. You blacked out. You would armfuls of clothes. So I am in the dressing room and I hear her at the register

and I'm trying on some stuff and I hear her go, what's the total right now? And they said like, $360 in some sense or whatever. And I'm like, oh, that's a lot for sweatshirts. And she's clearly going to put something back, right? And I'm like, she's going to put a few things back. They're going to give her a new total. It's going to be around 200 bucks and we're going to call it a day.

Next thing I hear, they go, your new total at 545-64. Like, whatever was you, that wasn't enough. You had to hit over $500, $500. I just was like, my mind was so wrong. I was like, oh, that's way too much. surely she'll put something back. Well, all you heard, I said, what's the total now? And then you didn't hear what I did.

And I just said, what's the new total? What I did was put more stuff on the counter. Of course you did. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. In between that, I'm like, do-do, do, do you, trying on stuff. And I hear, what's the new total? More than it was.

Like, I was like, oh, I was so wrong about this. I got a fly wardrobe. I love athleisure. It's my favorite thing. And I hate this because this is just different. I mean, I love the brand, but they didn't pay for this shit. But that's the best softest sweatshirts and T-shirts you're ever going to get. Damn it. Okay, let's ask them for some money.

We're just out here plugging them. And it does sound like a lot of money. I'm not just out here spending like $550 every five minutes. Like I just don't, I don't, I don't, I was going to say I don't shop that often. But you shop all the time. But you are not a big spender, but stuff like that and not just this brand basics, like well-constructed, soft, comfy basics last forever. I'm not worried for 10 years.

It's so worth disbordering and all that stuff. And like there's not a lot of those stores that was like we're in L.A. We really feeling ourselves. And we just like went ham. Anyway, you were wearing the sweatshirt. So I wore it. Yeah, I wore a sweatshirt and, like, ripped up jeans. I looked homeless.

Whatever, I looked cute homeless. But anyways, I walked in and he was there. And he's a very good looking. He's a good-looking guy. He's all right. He's got an accent. Yeah, he's got an accent. He's South American.

He's South African. Not South American. South African. Anyways, he, I was really into it at first because he was like, he got listening to your podcast this week. And he was, he said, went on your website. And he was like, I knew you were to be here tonight. So I was, you know, doing my research.

Doing some research. So I walk in and I see Raina talking to this dude. And I know Raina like better than she knows herself at this point. And like her face is like pure Raina flirt face. I've seen it. Saw it the most in Dewey Beach every minute of every day. She like looks up at everybody because she's small. And so she's like looking up at you.

Her eyes are shining. She looks so happy and eager and flirtatious to talk and like so excited to talk to you. It's like very cute to say. So I always can tell when she's like kind of into a guy feeling flirty, you know, whatever. It's not like desperate looking. It's cute. And I was like, oh, this is the guy, right? And so at one point, she walks away.

What? Someone came over to get a picture. Some very drunk girl, like, bombards me and you. And it's like, let's take pictures! And I get boxed out from the guy. Yes. And Meryl's there. And so Meryl, because Meryl wasn't, well, Merrill, the reason why is because they didn't want her in the picture, they wanted, like, me.

She's not friends with those people. Yeah, she's fresh. She knows, but it was like a girl's got to eat picture. You know, it was like it wasn't a rude thing, but it was like she just wasn't involved in pictures. So just by default, she starts talking to this guy. By the time the photo shoot is over, Raina looks over, she goes, oh, Merrill.

I was like, Merrill's about to steal your man. She's Mrs. Steele your man. Mrs. is still your man. She's not, but like, I was like, Merrill's still your man, like kidding. And so we're just joking about that. We had a big laugh. And we're looking at them.

Her face is facing us. He's back as to us. So I've no idea what's going on the conversation, except for her facial expression. They talk for a while. I wasn't watching them so much. I was just, they looked like they were getting along fine. At one point I came up and they were still getting along, okay,

and she was like, oh, did you know he's in finance? Marryl used to be in finance. So they were talking about finance stuff. I was, I was obviously at the bar, ordering fries, doing whatever. I come back and Merrill like grabs me and she is like traumatized. She was like, I don't think you understand what just happened in that conversation. And I was like, what could it have been? And she proceeds to tell me the most horrifying stuff that a man could say to a woman,

but a liberal woman at that. In New York City. In New York City. But while this is happening, I have started talking to this guy again. You slipped back in. So listen, I don't like, me and you are the same. Like, if I think a guy's cute at a bar, I don't care if my friend starts talking. I'm like, if he likes her better, I don't give a shit.

So Merrill's talking to you again. I started talking to this guy and he's like, I think I made your friend really hate me. And I was like, what did you, what did you do? She's like so nice. Oh, for sure. Merrill really is like a really like sweet. She's not out here like being bitchy to people like I am. Judge my.

Yeah, she's super nice. I can't imagine her, like, hating on somebody or provoking somebody. Right, right. He's like, yeah, I made your friend really hate me. And I was like, what on earth could you say you were two feet away from me? Like, what did you say to her? Yeah. It's like...

And you're getting the recap while I'm getting the recap. Yes, and I'm watching you two look at me. And my face, I mean, can you just imagine the way that my face is contorting at this point, getting the recap of the shit that this guy said. And so I was just like, I was in shock, but... Both of you were like... look like staring me down like so i look over at rena and her face has changed it is no longer rena flirty face it is rena pissed off fucking smell to fart face you are just looking at him like

you you get a look on your face that you just look at somebody like stone cold like daggers in your eyes like it was it had changed you had done a complete 180 i mean you're like me you're not going to hide your facial expression i can't hide it yeah absolutely no way yeah so what he said to me the glimmer in your eye was gone and we're just like i won't murder you he said I had one of the strangest things, probably top three strange things. A man who's arguably hitting on me could ever say to a woman period in the world, but especially in like New York City, he starts telling me that at his firm,

they don't believe in allowing women to be left alone with men in rooms unsupervised. Because they will cry rape. Yes. And I thought I misheard him because he has a pretty deep South African accent. So I was like, I was like, what? And he's like, you know, they have to be. supervised. Like it's, it's dangerous these days for a man in the world to not have a witness. My blood. A witness. My blood is boiling. Yeah. He was talking to Merrill just doubling down on this whole, like,

women are dangerous. They'll cry rape. They can't be left alone in office situations with men. I'm like getting hot just thinking about it. So then he says to me, and again, I think I misheard him. He says, yeah, it's the Pence rule. And I'm like, I'm like, he can't mean Mike Pence. Like, what do you mean? He's like, well, you know, it's just I, you know, I work in finance. We just we can't. it's too dangerous. And my boss's wife agrees. It was her idea. Also, can you back up to people know what the Pence's rule is? The Pence role is that Mike Pence says this,

that you can't go to dinner with women or go to business meetings with women. And this is a way to make sure women don't get ahead in the world because you can't have meetings with them because they'll say you rape them. It's insane. But so the Pence rule is that, that again, can't be alone with a woman.

Thank you for defining that. Because I'd never heard such a thing. I mean, it's like, oh, we're just all out here crying, rape. You can't be a load. in a room with us. We might accuse you of raping us. Get out of here.

So I'm like, sorry, what? And he tells me that his, his boss's wife agrees with this. This is her idea. And I'm getting all heated. And I'm like, this is a woman's idea about her husband.

That guy cheats on his wife. Yes. Of course, first of all, men that say these kind of things, they bring a woman into it as like an allies to like back you up. They're like,

no, it's like you're saying you have a black friend, so you're not racist. It's the exact same thing. It's like, oh, no, no, this crazy misogynist thing I just said. I know a woman that agrees with it, but you nailed it. Yes, that guy cheats on his fucking wife all the time. So she enacted this rule in the workplace that women can't be alone with her dirty scoundrel of husband.

Your old husband, yeah, like, we're all just out here trying to blow your husband lady. And he's like, no, he's a married man with kids. I'm like, oh, you're right. Nobody married with kids ever had an affair. But did you get any of the Brett Kavanaugh talk? Or was that just for Merrill? No, it was just for me. Okay.

So I was like, I think this is a, I'm not. I don't care. Like, I'm happy to, like, spar with a person and tell him why they're wrong. And he does have a different background than me. He's from somewhere different. He's in a different financial industry to me. Whatever. I don't think he's, like, the devil.

I just don't agree with him. That's really how I feel. I don't think that he's, like, I just don't agree with him. That's all. And I'm not going to get all heated. So I'm trying to, like, have an intellectual conversation with him because, like, I'm not going to fuck him at this point. But, like, you know, I want to educate him calmly.

And I was, like, I just think that this is, like, I mean, obviously kind of unfair to assume that women can't be alone with men. and he was like, well, I mean, look at Brett Kavanaugh. He got a really bad rap. Don't. I can't. Brett Kavanaugh got a bad rap. Brett Kavanaugh.

What did he say? There was no proof. There was no proof. I don't know. The testimony from the victim is not the proof. Don't get me fucking started. We literally call this guy, Brett Kavanaugh now. For the rest of the night, we kept calling him, Brett Kavanaugh.

That's his name. He will be referred to that in eternity. Yeah, I mean, that's the name of my phone. That he'll always be. Like, Breck Kavanaugh's calling. He's like, you know, Brett Kavanaugh, there was no proof.

You know, women can just be out here saying anything they want. I'm like, yeah, this woman just woke up at the age of 54 and decided just to just destroy this guy's life. Again, sorry for the political, not actually, I'm not sorry at all, but if you didn't expect to your political talk, sorry. Breck Kavanaugh is a Supreme Court justice for the rest of his life. Christine Blasey Ford's life is ruined.

She had to move. You know, like, don't get me. me fucking started. Brett Kavanaugh, got a bad rap. It didn't work out for him. I'm sorry, didn't he not get the job?

Right. After being a little crying baby up there and being the most irrational person now is the Supreme Court justice, I can't. So I was just like, listen, he was like, you know, all these people,

you know, they accuse him out of stuff. I'm like, okay, yes. Once in a blue moon, a person will accuse a man of something and it's not true. Once in a blue moon. Sure.

People that get accused of this are not generally nice people and people that get accused that should not be the Supreme Court justice. Lifetime. Life time. Life time. I said Barack Obama.

More secure job than the president. Barack Obama was never accused of any of this stuff. I don't know. We could go on forever. This was like a crazy thing to see that person. Yeah, you were right? It was like, name one scandal that Obama had in his eight years. And he was like, this thing with the IRS.

We're like, come on, dude. We met like a sexual rape type of scam. I mean, it don't, whatever. But anyway. I just thought this is very funny. It's like a hysterical thing for a man to say to you when he's like, he's trying to ask you out kind of thing. Yeah.

And I just, I was dying because we were like, Merrill swooped in. Merrill was traumatized. She was not okay. We look over, you're similarly getting traumatized. I didn't even, that guy was like trying to say bye to me.

I was like, uh-uh, you don't talk to me. You don't even want to know what I would say in your fist. Also, there's a twist. Oh yeah.

So I'm like, my friends hate you. Like, I'm looking, I don't know what you said to them, but like, I'm telling you they're behind you. I'm looking at them across the bar.

My friends hate you. And then I got a DM from him. What, the next day? Two days later. Just being like, hey, you know, you're probably really busy, but I'd love to take you out if you're free. Oh, can he be alone with you in a room?

Can you please respond that? I'm not allowed to be alone with a man in a room. Mike Pence said it. I mean, that is the best opener. Like, if he asked you out to dinner, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to go to dinner unsupervised. I'll cry rape. Like, oh. Dinner unsupervised.

You got to bring somebody with you. And my chest, you belt. Men are so funny to me because, like, clearly somebody that says those kind of things is not my person. Like that I'm never, we are not the same kind of people. I'm sorry. Like, I just like, I mean, you're, I don't know. He probably eats pizza with a fork and knife. Like, I don't know.

He's just not my- He eats French fries with a fork. You know he does. Yes. And like, he's just like, so men like, women are like, yeah, it's just not my person. I would never ask them out. Like, men are like, I don't care. She's doubly boobs.

I'll go out with her. Right. Like, who cares what her political views are? Oh my gosh. And again, like political views or political views. This to me just feels like general like, Like we say what you want But like to me I'm like

God any man that thinks like that is fucking disgusting I love the update I love that now that's a fun thing I love about this podcast is like how I updated on the Airbnb guy And you're updated on like the cab guy Like I like that we can If things happen we can update people on these men we encounter Throughout the course of this podcast

But speaking of men Are we getting into Chris now? Are we done? Yeah I'm done. Okay now we're going to have a good guy That's not going to meet you the fuck out of somebody. All right, guys, let me tell you about our guests for today. I'm very excited. We have Chris Deppano in the house studio. In the house? You thought I was going to say in the house. No, but you said yesterday. House studio. I like this. With Dewey, he's a hilarious comedian.

He has a new comedy special on Comedy Central called Size 38 Ways. He's a podcast called The History Hyenas and formerly a contributor to Guy Code and Girl Code on MTV. That was a mouthful. Wow. Yes. Yes. Okay, Raida. Holy shit. Right, right. Yo, you fucking crush that intro. Holy shit. I was like, she's going to mess up.

She's going to mess up. And it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, bang. Sometimes we're on stage. I'm saying things that my brain is working faster than my, my mouth is working faster than my brain. And I'm like, is this going to work out? And when I land it, I'm like, it's kind of like a triple axle. It's like a blowup.

Your mouth is working harder than your brain. Mouthful, yeah. Wait, really quickly, though, can you just back up to talk about the history of hyenas? Okay, the history of hyenas. Okay, the history of hyenas. It's a fucking podcast about history of nature. It's fucking wild. I co-hosted with Janice Pappas, who you may know.

You ever see that? Marisa Rodriguez video, that's it, when he dresses up like a transgender Puerto Rican from the Lower East Side. Okay, well, Google that. That's it. You'll lose your minds. When I Googled you, he came up next. Sure. Well, we're like best friends.

We both live in Bay Ridge and the podcast. Like, for example, January was Women's Month. Like, we're talking about, like, famous. Like, it's Woman's Month and it's Yes, Queen Month. So it's like we did Queen Elizabeth, Mary Queen of Scots. And I swear to God. Who coined Yes, Queen Month? I thought it was about animals.

No, it is. Well, it's part history, part nature. Oh, part. Yeah. So we just, but we're like legit. Like we talk about like the real history of, you know, like we'll do like episode. Like we just did like Queen Elizabeth the first. Like how fucking wild she was on like the history of it and like how she used to like brush her teeth with honey and she had like full blown diabetes.

And she never had sex with anyone. She was a virgin until the end. And like the people of England thought it's because she was secretly a man. Like she was the first, she was like Caitlin Jenner before anybody. you know like before fucking all like the feminist women we have ruth brader Ginsburg amy schumer like vocal people biance you had queen elizabeth and mary queen of scots they were like running shit as women in the old world okay i love this i did not know about the podcast till just a minute ago and i this is my favorite thing when comedians talk about shit like that because why would

i want to listen to like a boring history no no this is all it's all like legit like history like we do our research on like we know that shit inside and then what about we're also comedians you know so it's just weird stuff about nabre about nature. Good question. I was in my follow-up question. Like nature, like, you know, well, first of all, like the animal, a hyena, a hyena. I always put an extra H in it because I'm dumb. I'm just a dumb fuck. I don't think you're dumb. You like talk very fast. You know your shit. You went to college. I did go to college. And grad school. Like a smart college. Yeah. But I still add H's into words that don't eat anything.

So like nature. Yeah, like we'll talk about animals or like, you know, we tie it into history. Like, I don't know. Like the Revolutionary War. Like, the Battle of Brooklyn, like the only reason why, like, we didn't lose the war for independence is because there was a big rainstorm and General George Washington was just able to get his troops out under the cover of rain. So we just talk about, like, you know, the weather forecast in 1776. You know, we just talk about like what it was probably, you know, like, where is nature going to come into this? There it is. So there it is. So like we just, you know, and it's like shit like that. So it's like, if you like history, like you want to learn shit, you know, it's not boring.

Like we tell you, we're telling you facts, but we're telling it like how we see. I love this. I love this. This is smart. Do you ever, do you remember like Honey Badger videos? Sure. And like recently I said, Honey Badger don't give a fuck.

It's a favorite thing. Recently I saw a Instagram video of Snoop Dog commentating on some animals. Yeah. That's my favorite thing. It's awesome. Like people watching like animal videos and like people are commenting on what the animals are thinking and saying. The Snoop Dog one was incredible.

Well, like a hyena is like it's the original chicks with dicks because they, because it's a, it's a. Okay. Let me explain. No, you know what? Don't explain. Let's just move on. That's the soundbite. That's the intro.

But it's true. I mean, because they have pseudopinit. It's a matriarchal-driven society. So, like, you know, the women are in charge, and the women have pseudoponuses that they give birth through. Like enlarged clitorises? No, it's an actual penis. Like, if you Google the hyena pseudopinus, it's like, it looks, it's like not,

functioning like for sex it's just like that's where they give birth through and like a lot of times like female hyenas will die because the baby just blows up its pseudo dick and they just die and it's and they eat their food they like eat it and then like they throw it up and they eat their puke nobody knows their lineage like it's not a cat it's not a dog it's not a fucking bird nobody knows where it came from um and they're just wild animals they have the strongest bite their their weapon like a like a panther's weapon is like stealth and to like get low and track its prey their weapon is chaos so they will purposely cause... Like women. Exactly. They will cause chaos and cackle and laugh and then create a distraction for the animal and go to steal its kill. And they will quite often sacrifice

like people, members of their clan that they don't like. Like women. Yeah. Like if you're just like a dumb fuck hyena and like nobody likes you, they'll make you go out there first to cause the initial distractions for the lions and the lions will just kill them. But like they don't care. Like they'll let their family die and they'll eat your kill. They give zero fox. It's a fascinating animal. Are the hyenas in the Lion King? Aren't they the ones that are laughing?

They're the ones that are laughing. They're like, you know, like everyone's like, like, everyone's like, ugh, haines. But they're, and actually like, they are very like, I think misunderstood animals. Like women. So, I love, wait. Can we back up in a spirit animal month along with the

Yasqueen month? Like, spirit animal, a hyena. A hyena. A hyena. A hyena. Can we back up for one second? No, this is the nature and animal episode. We just keep going until somebody passes.

Owls? Do you know about fucking owls? No, but I have owls all over my partner. Yeah, well, I noticed like an owl, I could tell you fucking crazy shit about owls. Do you know anything about koalas? I know that koalas. I mean, I know they sleep on the tree. That's my very animal. They're cute. Yeah, they're looking at my grandpa. I'm dying to meet them.

Yeah. Wait, what were you going to say about owls? So owls have like, they're very vicious. Like you think like owls are keeper, they have an organ over their eye that every time like they blink, like every second, like we blink, an organ comes and covers their eye because what they do is with their talents, when they get an animal to kill it, they hit its jugular and they pierce its jugular and the blood usually squirts up.

So over time, nature developed to protect their eyes, this organ that just is always working because they always just assume that an owl's going to fucking rip something's head off. Oh, my God. I'm so oddly attracted to you that you so much knowledge about this. I know your favorite guests. Oh, it's free. What's the next animal? Okay.

The thing I want to ask you is who are you wearing? you from. I'm a tyina. I have no lineage. I was just dropped here. I have a full pseudo penis. It doesn't work. They're like, they're like, they're like, they're not a cat. They're not a dog. No one knows what they are. I'm fucking pumped from nature and history. I know. I'm oddly turned on by you. Oh, great. Same Tis. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Guys. I'll fuck myself. You can watch. True. Somebody needs to hold the camera. Okay. I want to know where are you from. How old are you? Are you dating anybody right now. Hi, my name is Chris Osefano. I was born and raised in Ridgewood, New York, which is on the Brooklyn, Queens, Queens, borderline. So really, I was originally born in Queens, Queens, but then the mayor changed the borderline to Brooklyn. I'm, like, straddle the border. I'm 34 years old. I was born August 26, 1984. What does that mean? What sign you are? I'm a Virgo. Do you have weird horse scope knowledge, too? I don't. I don't know much. I know Virgo means virgin. I know it's supposed to be a Leo. My due date was August 1st, but I just,

would not come out. So, yeah, somebody told me once that I'm both. On the cusp. On the cusp. As long as you're not Sagittarius or tourists. I don't know. What month is Torres? Torres.

Torres? My daughter's May 19th. Is she a tourist? What? It's not women. Just men. Oh, just men are. Just tourist men.

Nightmarous. Men can't pin them down. I've been trying. I'm full Virgo. Full Virgo. Full Virgo all the time. Okay. Okay.

And you're single? Are you single? Are you dating? Single. Yeah. Yeah. I've been separated from my kid's mom for a long time. Like two years.

years. But I feel like as of like recently I've just been like, you know what? Like I've been single, like having fun and all that stuff. And I'm just like, I kind of just like want to like, you know, if like she, but I don't think my, I don't sure my kid's mom even wants it. But I'm just like, I kind of like would like to like just take a second chance at like our family again. But I don't know. I don't know. So right now I'm single, but I'd like, I would like to like try to work it out with her. Okay. So you're a dad. I'm a dad. So we're going to talk about that today. Our first dad. You're our first dad. I mean, maybe like the sex therapist has kids. but like you're first like young dad.

I think there's a lot of comedians that don't know they have kids. Like Ari Shapir probably has a kid. Oh, no, he's an asectomy. He fucked before the vasectomy for sure. Yeah. Other people. Jared Fried definitely doesn't have a kid. Jared Fried 100%.

He's concerned that his like doesn't, like he doesn't even work. Like he texts in me that way. It's like, dude, I just don't know. Like I don't think my sperm works. I'm like, why? He's like, I just fucking bang so much and nobody's got pregnant. I'm like, I know, man. I mean, I used to say that too.

Like, I used to be like I've had so much sex and I've never gotten pregnant. but like birth control really works. It really does. It does, but I, so here's my story. So I... Yes, let's, are you going to start with your, how you had a kid? Yes. Well, are you going to do Latin impressions of her?

Yes. Yes. Yes, I will. We have a lot to cover. So I've done, I've gotten three different women pregnant who were on birth control. Holy shit. And I pulled out on all three. So what happened was, what?

Let me, let me explain. So... Is this some hyena shit? This might be some hyena shit right now. So I was like, in my 20. and this kept happening. It just kept happening. I just kept getting everybody pregnant.

So it's just like, and, you know, it just fucking kept happening. So, so finally, I like, you know, jokingly, like, told a doctor about it that I was, like, cool with, like, and he was like, really? And, like, he didn't laugh. I thought, like, he would laugh, like, whatever. Doctors don't think that the stuff that you think is funny. Yeah. I made a cocaine joke to a doctor. She didn't think it was funny.

She was like, eh. Yeah. Yeah. My doctor was like, you know, obviously, yeah. concerned about how much unprotected sex you're having, but he was also like, he's like, that's not normal. He's like, have you ever gotten your sperm looked at? And I was like, no.

And he was like, well, you should. And he wrote me like a referral. And I went to like this doctor, heurologist. And, you know, I had to like just fucking jerk off into a cup. For sure. And they kept the sperm. They like tested it. They were like, it's fine.

And then they called me a week later. And like, you have to come to the office. And I was like, can you just tell, like, just tell me over the phone. They're like, no, like the doctor really would like to see you. I was like, oh boy. So I go in there. There's three doctors, one of them with a clipboard. Oh, my God. They brought a panel for your sperm? Sweet of God. So I'm sitting down in the office and the doctor's like, the guy who initially treated me. He was like, he's like, where were you born? And I was like, Queen, St. John's

hospital. He was like, do you mind like stepping out of the room and calling your mom and like really like confirming that's where you were born? So I was like, yes. So I call my mom. and she was like, yeah. I'm like, she gave me like a fucking complex. I was like, am I your kid? Right, like a switched to birth kind of thing? She was like, no, like, yes. Like, you're born in St. John's.

Like, I have your birth certificate. Like, we have pictures for, like, you're in St. Johns. And I said, my mom confirms it. And she was, they were like, okay. They're like, because they were like, you know, we tested your sperm. And they were like, you have five times the amount of sperm that comes out in every, they didn't say load,

but like they were saying load. Wait, can I. So turned on right now. She loves coming. She loves buckets of come. So, okay. Raina, you need to say, I didn't, Raina might need to go have a moment.

I'm sorry. Wait, I have a follow-up question. When you said that, I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, Raina's never going to leave you alone. Yeah. You're going to have DMs from Raina for years to come. Yeah.

Literally to come. Yeah. Okay. I have a real follow-up question. Okay. You're not okay. After I masturbating. Actually, you're not.

Yeah. I'm going to leave, guys. Is it the quantity or is it what's in? Is it the quantity of the sperm? Is it the quantity or the quality of the sperm? So it's both. Yeah. Consistency. Yeah, thickness.

Did you feel like you were? No. So what he told me was he said, you have five times the amount of sperm in every, you know, batch of cum. And he said the only time we've ever seen this is around kids who have been born around like nuclear reactor. So they're like, were you born in or near. And Pernoble, which was like a big nuclear react. Like in Russia, they were like, you know, maybe your mom didn't want to tell you you were adopted because

like what- This is insane. It's so much. So then it got to the point once they were like, okay, well, now we have to like further check you. Like, do you have a tumor there? Like, why is there so much? Because I never, girls had said to me before, because again, I'm not like talking come with my guy friends.

Right. Girls had said like, wow, you have a lot of comment. I just didn't know. I was like, okay. You thought it was like a compliment. That's like what, guys. It's dirty talk. Yeah, because, you know, you know, how.

guys would be like, I covered my jizz last. I'm like, oh, yeah, me too. But, like, I didn't know it was like buckets. In your mind, like, you never occurred. You like, this sort of seems like a lot. Never. Like, I just thought it was like, I don't have any one to compare my come to. Same, like, my vagina size.

Like, I don't have anything to compare that. Yeah, I don't know. Right. So it got to the, so they were like, they tested me. Everything was fine. But what they found out was this thing, it's called your cowper's gland. It's like what makes come. So, like, mine is like so just like overactive for genetic reasons that the kind of my

cross to be. is that like I can get, I have so much like sperm that comes out. So I can get a woman pregnant. You break the birth and feel barrier. You're the kind of woman who like you want to have a kid like I'm your guy. You're the guy. The catch 22. It takes a while for me to load back up.

So I can't have sex three times a day. It's not going to happen because it takes a while to fill it up. But when we do have it, it's a lot. Even when you were like 22. Like you couldn't. My whole life. Your dick, it's hard. I mean,

oh no. When it's ready, it gets like super, like it's like oozing. out. Great. You know what I mean? Braina's trying to back you in a corner to talk about you. I just think that like some guys are like one time I sent, I was dating somebody.

I took the morning after pill after we had sex that morning. And I sent him a picture of the morning after pill at my desk. And I was like, look what I'm having for lunch. And he was like, holy shit. Like I didn't know my boys could like were that strong. And I was like, no, I'm not pregnant. You don't have, like we fucked this morning. Like we didn't.

He was very smart but stupid clearly. But like I was like, it doesn't happen. that fast. You don't have super sperm, but like, super sperm actually does exist. It's, it is, that is a stupid thing that he said. But I'm telling you, my daughter's mom, she's like, so here's the thing. Then you had like me with my super sperm and she's like Puerto Rican. Right. And like, I know it's like, she's very fertile. I'm telling you when we had sex, like three hours later, she was like, I swear to God, I feel pregnant. And I was like, that's not possible. And we took the plan B. And then you took a plan B. She took it. Well, yeah, she took the plan B.

And then it's, yeah, and it just, because, and what the, what the OVGON said, you know, once the baby was already confirmed, she was like, it must have been because of like your initial fucking just bang bullseye hit it right away, found the egg. And you must have felt a little thing. And the plan, by then, it's too late. The plan B only works to stop it before that. Before. So then, but then to the, you had to get like in utero, there was like a lot of medications that my daughter's mom had to take because of those. chemicals and toxins. And there was like, especially in like months, the third trimester, my daughter had to keep getting tested for certain things that could have happened. And thank

God, everything was fine because there was toxins in her mom's system while she was developing. So, or the initial stages of development. So, you know, what's the deal with, you're not into condoms? No, I am. Like, I am. I use condoms. But, you know, with her mom, I just was like, it was so attracted. Was it a newer relationship? No. Also, we're not like pro. I mean, of course, when you're in a relationship, I'm not using condom. I'm just curious because it sounds like that's the only way you could not get people pregnant.

Right. For you, it seems like a necessity. I was using condoms. Like I always like was careful. We had, especially because of that. And I was single when I met my daughter's mom. I was very single having a good time like meeting women, like beautiful women. It was like great.

And then like when I saw her, she's beautiful, my daughter's mom. But I was just like something's different about this girl. Like she stopped me like dead in my tracks. Even like my boys, we were out at this bar. We met at this place called Place to Beach in Coney Island, Brooklyn. It was like, no, no like non-New Yorkers would ever go there. It was like old school. Like she's like a girl from Brooklyn.

And like when I saw her, I was like with my boy Pat, I was like, look at this girl. Like what? I'm fucking, I can't believe how hot she's like. Yeah, she's like a hot Puerto Rican girl. Like relax. And I was like, I was like, no, no, but like there's something different. There's something different. And he was like, dude, yeah, I get it.

She's hot. She's like big tits and like I get it like she's beautiful. I'm like, no, there's more. So like I started like talking to her. She's ignoring me extra hard. Yeah. And initially she was like, you know, no. And I was just like, okay, like just like take my number anything.

Like, you know, I was like had to. I don't know what it was. You're playing it cool. I was fucking flipping out. And then I was like flipping my shit for this girl. And then, and which is not normal. And again, because I've other beautiful, cool girls. For sure.

But something. So then. once like we like, you know, hung out and like we like hooked up. Yeah, like I just like couldn't. I just like took the condom. I just was like whatever. I know there's no way to prove this and maybe it's like corny, but it's really genuinely how I feel.

I feel like what I was seeing and feeling was my daughter. That's like what I feel. Like when I saw her like that thing, like it was like, you know, like subconscious. I was like, this girl's going to provide, woman's going to provide me with something. And like that's why I feel like we came into each other's lives, like was for my daughter. I don't know, but it's the only logical reason I could have in my head because she was like so extraordinary to me like when I saw it. I just felt like it was like a higher thing and I just believe that to be my kid now. I think that's yeah. It could be. Yeah. I don't

yeah. I don't think yeah. I mean and then yeah, but I mean I just absolutely like went we're all doggone her like every time. How long did you guys like date before? Before she got pregnant. Second time we had sex. She got pregnant. Oh. Yeah. The first time I was so nervous that I couldn't even like get my dick hard. Right. I was just like, so attracted. Yeah. And then the second time I was like, I have to take the condom off.

And she was like, fine, just pull out. And then I just couldn't pull out. So. And then like you just got to, you know, we're not going to take up the whole hour with this, but kind of walk us through this. Like did you guys try to make it work? Obviously. Did you stay together through the birth?

And how was your daughter? My daughter's three years old. And then, yeah, she had a son from a previous relationship. And like, yeah, we tried like as best we could to like make it work. And then I think it was like initially like every time we get into an argument. and like I would want to leave because I was like, you know, I don't even know this person. We're having a kid. Like, all my family and friends were like, what are you doing?

Like, you can have the kid, but like, don't be with her. Like, what are you doing like your life? And I was like listening to that. And then like we like broke up. And but now I'm like, now that like time has went on now I do know her. She's been in my life for four years. I know exactly who she is. I know what makes her mad.

Yeah, we are family. Right. So it's like now I'm like, shit. Like could I've made this work with her? Like I do love her. Right. It's a lot of feelings. It really fast-tracks a lot of very intense feelings that you're not ready to have for a person because you don't really know them.

But you're like, this is the mother of my child now. Yeah. And it's sort of like the imbalance for me when like, well, for me, like when I have sex with a person on a first date or something. And one way that you know them so intimately. Yeah. But they don't know you at all in any other way. Right. Exactly.

So you're sharing this very important thing with one person, but nothing else with them. And I like what you said, like, I don't know why you guys broke up. I'm sure it was just, was it kind of just volatile, like, fighting and that kind of thing. Yeah, it was just fighting. But it was like, and you know, and the stories that I was telling my friends and family, like made her, made me seem like I'm the one who's stable here. But like, thinking back now that the smoke's cleared, it's like, there was a lot of times where like she argued with me about something that she probably had good reason to be mad at me for. And I just just fought with her and was like, fuck you and then left. And I look back, we both look back in past relationships.

Like sometimes you just grow up. Yeah. You're like, oh, I was kind of a dick. Yeah. They might have made a little bit more of a dick, but I wasn't totally innocent here. Yeah. So that's how I feel now. But, you know.

Also, she was pregnant. So, like, she's also, like, an extra step of crazy. Yeah. And also, it's like, you know, like that. Can you imagine that's when you start a relationship on that level of hormone? That level of, imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. And also it's like, you know, like, there's that like, you know, like, she's like the mother my kid. She's very, like, Puerto Rican, which is like, I know a stereotype. But it's like true. Like, she would tell me, like, I will fucking kill you if you even fucking look at one of these bitches.

And like, I used to be like, oh my God, I feel, that's making me feel hard. And I feel pressure. But now looking back, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. You're fucking kill a bitch. Yeah. And I just did it. Now I'm like, that's pretty cool.

Like she was like, yeah, I'll just fucking kill you. Yeah. So it's like other girls are like that. They don't care about me like that. Right. Kill you or kill the other girls? What would she say? No, she was always me.

Do it in the voice. She was like, I swear to God. She was like, you would always start up with the same thing. Listen. She would always say listen. She's like, listen. I know you want to go out there and you funny. You're on stage and all that.

And people know you're, from MTV, whatever. She's like, I know what it is. She goes, let me tell you something right now. She was like, any one of these bitches, any one of these bitches, ever comments on your Instagram again, they're going to have a problem from me. Even more than these bitches, you're going to have a problem with me. She was like, so I don't fucking care.

You want to go out there? She's like, let me. And she said, one time she said this. She said, look, she said, I'm going to break it down for you right now. She's like, I'm going to break it down. She's like, you want to go out there and get a blow job? get a blowjob. I don't fucking care what dirty-ass bitch's mouth is on your fucking dick. She's like, the minute I find out that you put your penis inside somebody else, you're going to

have a problem with me. She was like, so you can do what you want and whatever. And then I remember one time I got a lufa, she's like, why do you want to get a lufa now all of a sudden? She's like, now you want to clean yourself in different ways. What bitch told you to get alufa? So anytime I, anytime I tried to like, take care of myself, like, oh, I heard that, you know, setafil is good on poor. She's like, why do you know about Setafel? She's like, only bitches being known how to clean and moisturize their face. Now, that's what you want to do? It's so accurate, though. Yeah.

And there was a period where she thought I liked white women. So she would try to, she would do white women stuff. She was like doing yoga, you know, like stuff like that. She was like, why do you, why do you all of a sudden you into white girls right now? Like, what do you want me to do? You want me to do yoga? You want me to put my hair in a ponytail. What do you need me to do? Do you need me to be more white for you? Is our ponytail's local to white girls?

That's what she did. She thought her things were white girls for white girls for white girls were ponytails and yoga. Like as I'm going to. So what is your, and thank you for doing that. Thank you for. Yeah, no. There's no avocado toast in the house. No, but she's an extremely good cook.

She wouldn't do like avocado toast, but she'll put like avocados in everything. Do you want to do your daughter as well? I'm just going to keep telling me. It's the same voice. My daughter's the same voice. Just a little like, daddy. She was like, okay. The other day, I swear to God, we were driving and the window was down.

And she was like, daddy, I'm cold. So I was like, I was like, I'm, just like that with her fat little three-year-old hand. And I was like, and she had like mini muffins in the other hand. And I was like, okay, baby. So I put the window up. And she's like, now I'm hot. Like, I was like, okay.

So I put the window back down. She's like, Daddy, I just told you that makes me cold. I was like, Delilah, what do you want me to do? She was like, figure it out. And then she just looked out the window. She just sat in her car scene and looked out the window. And I was like, what? Oh my gosh.

What do you mean, babe? And then she was mad. Like, she was mad at me. Like, when I go on the road, like, How dare you? I'm like going on the road to like work for her, make money for her. She's fucking pissed.

She's like, why did you leave? I'm like, I've been gone since Thursday, baby, I told you I had to work. And she was like, yeah,

but you still laugh. Okay. She sits on her legs crossed. She's three years old. She's her fucking three-year-old toddler sitting with her legs crossed, like a woman like you. Ashley,

you've got to watch the videos of his daughter. There's one video on his Instagram. Is it Chris comedy? Chris D comedy. Chris D comedy. She's sleeping in the backseat of this car, but feeding her. self also. Oh yeah. She goes dead asleep but she like every few minutes she like kind of gets up

like puts a cookie. She can't find her face. That is my vibe. Right. Okay. I have to ask you this. What is your arrangement with your? My arrangement is I see her all day like every day. I moved close to them. I live like 10 blocks away. So every day. Yeah, I take my like my daughter, literally my daughter's school is like five doors down from where she lives. But like every morning I'll like go. I'll like, you know, wait for her, like, you know, by the steps, I open the door and I walk my daughter like those five doors down to spend a few minutes with her in school. And then leave. And then on two nights a week, she sleeps by me and every other weekend. But I see her every day. Like, if I'm in New York and home, then I'll see her like. Yeah. That's great. I saw her this morning.

I think that's really great. I, my parents got divorced when I was four years old and my brother was an infant. And like my dad lived down the street from ice. He saw us every day. My mom could stand it, but he was at the house all the time. And he took us on the weekends. And, like, I feel like I had such a great upbringing because I had two people that loved me just because they weren't in the same home. Like, it didn't matter to me. Like, I was really supported.

And, like, that's what I think raises, like, healthy daughters that don't become strippers. Exactly. I think, I think my daughter, like, what I love about it is, like, every part, she's surrounded by love, like, wherever she goes. Like, my family, her mom's family. Everywhere she goes, there's somebody

that's, like, in love with her. Right. So I think that's like the most important part. And she never, all she sees independently is to both her parents that like independently, like, love her. I don't think she's mad. I don't know if it matters so much, like if she knows or even cares if me and her mom love each other like that. I don't think I really, I believe that. That's my best friend married a guy with his son and like everybody just loves that kid.

I don't think he cares. Like it's just you're loved by both parents and these other extra parents. So I don't know. I don't remember it ever crossing my mind once in my whole life. do my parents love each other? It literally never, I didn't care. And also you don't grow up seeing, like, fighting. I never saw.

Like, that's more damaging. Parents that are together and fighting all the time do more damage than, you know. My parents got divorced and my mom was like, I think like I was, my mom was like maybe nine months pregnant. They got, they got married when she initially got pregnant and then we're already like signed divorce papers eight months into the pregnancy. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was like crazy.

Oh, they're not together? My mom and dad. No. Oh. No. You were telling us? No, you're telling us how they met earlier, and I just thought they were like, oh. Oh, no, yeah.

But that's how they met. That's all true. But then, I mean, it went off the real. Oh, it didn't work at all. Oh, yeah. My stepmom's been in my life for my whole life. Okay. Yeah.

I want to tell your parents meeting is a funny story. We have a lot. We want to go over with you. But really quickly, I do want to address this whole. We just haven't had like a young hot dad on the podcast. So I think a lot of our listeners are like, I met this guy and me as a kid. I don't know what to do. Like, what has your experience been dating over the last three years?

Dating. it's been good most of the women that I've had successful relationships with have also had children or at least been like older and like have like a career like they've had their life settled because I think like you know I think the good thing about a dad like a dad who's in their child's life and cares is like a lot of like that immature stuff that like women usually find in men like this guy's being an idiot like he's getting drinking to five o'clock in the morning or being a dummy with his friends which is like fun for us it's just like I have I to make a choice like where do I want to spend my energy. So it's like I have my shit together now

because of my daughter. So I think that's the positive thing for women. The negative thing for women that I think is hard to understand is like you're never going to be in first place in my life. It's always going to be my child. So sometimes women who are single and not married, no, they're like, wait, no, like, I need to be the center of your attention. Like there was a girl last year who like I took my daughter, me and my, we're like white trash, me and my kids. She loves going to pizza Rio Uno. It's like that's what we do. I love Patery Uno for New Year's Eve.

Like it's great. That sounds awesome. There's nothing wrong with that deep dish. I was dating this girl and she was like, it was Valentine's Day and she was like, so where are you taking me? And I was like, well, I can take you out on the 15th or the 13th. I was like, but the 14th like, I'm going, me and my daughter are going to pizza a one.

And she was like, what? She was like, but you've been like dating me. I'm like, she was like your daughter's two. And I was like, yeah, I know, but like, it's just like a thing like, you know, like, it's like what we do. And she was like, so you're not going to take me. me out on Valentine's Day. I was like, why do you care? Right. And I was like, I'll take you out the day or the day before. But her friends won't see on Instagram that she's out with her. Exactly.

Oh, nice call. So I was just like, you know, get away from me. And then I was meeting. I told you guys before, like, there was other girls. She was like 23 years old and she like wanted to like spontaneously go to Thailand. And I was like, listen, like you don't pay attention. Like what do you? I can't go to tie. You know, like, I just can't, like, I have, like, I have my kid, like, what am I going to do? Go to Thailand with you on Monday and then fly home so I can have my sleep over with my daughter on Tuesday. Just come over. We'll order Pad Thai. That's what I said. I said, yeah, well, watch fucking, yeah, whatever. Watch the karate kid. What do you do? Karate kid and Pad Ty. What do you want?

I think it's fine to be 23 and want those things. Absolutely. I don't date somebody that has a kid. That's all. You know, there's nothing wrong with her for wanting that stuff. I can understand how women out there, be like, I don't want to date a man with a child. I get it. But I think that the big positive for us is like the chance of us being involved in some like immature bullshit is very, very low because if we're thinking about our kids first, it's like, you know. It makes you grow up. Yeah, it's like, the only reason why I bought a place and like have a mortgage now is because of my child. It's like, oh, I have to invest. So that's like some grown man shit. Or like I have like a retirement, like all my friends in comedy, I'm like, oh, what? You know, do you guys like, what do you do for your 401k?

And they're like, what? I smoke weed every day and play video games, which is, fine, but it's like I was motivated to like become like an adult version of the adult in me. I have to do it because it's like, oh, my daughter's like, I'm in charge of this person's life. Yeah. So that's a good thing about having a kid, but I have no time. When you meet somebody today, I feel like this is all we're going to talk about. I don't fucking, I don't care. This is interesting. Go with the fliz out. It's my favorite episode. I'm just going to say right now. I know. I love it so much. No, people are going to die for this episode. But I don't know if you use the apps or anything, but like if you use them or if you meet a girl out, do you feel obligated

to like right up front be like, I have a kid or is it naturally come up? Only dating app I was ever on was at Raya app. Yeah. Yeah, I did that for a little bit and that I deleted that. I was just like taking up like too much time. But I would always in the first or second message, you know, if a girl would say, what are you doing today or whatever? I would always be like, oh, whatever, whatever.

And then I'm going to be with my kid. With my daughter. Yeah, I would have to because I, there's no secrets with it. We had a weird question a while. I think it was a Lindsay Messler episode where somebody said that the person had on a date that he hadn't mentioned that he had a kid. It was like third date. It came up.

Yeah, and she said, well, maybe he was uncomfortable. And I said, I can't imagine somebody telling stories about their day-to-day life that didn't include their kid. I think you have to consciously exclude the kid if you're telling somebody about your life. So that's what makes me, would make me wary. If I went out with a guy third date, surprise kid, I'm like, that's weird. You've had to make an effort to not mention your kid till now, unless you're just a total deputy dad. Yeah, I'm so proud of my child. And like, she's in the front of my mind and on the tip of my tongue always.

So, yeah, I think a dad who keeps that child. a secret. I get why they would do it, but I just don't know, like, where their priorities are and, like, if they understand, like, women at all. I mean, it's just like, why would you not tell a woman, like, that you're, like, why not give the opportunity to, like, I feel like a girl would like to see a guy who's, like, cares about his kid. Right. It's different for guys. Like, oh, they're skeptical of dating women with children. Like, guys, you know, they're so insecure, like, the ego, guys are just so insecure and egotistical. And I, and I'm just, and I'm just, There's like a baby daddy out there.

Exactly. They're like, oh, somebody else fucked her. It's like, yeah, it's stupid. You know? Stupid. You stupid. But now it's like, I look forward to it. I love it.

So I guess my issue wouldn't, I mean, I don't know. I haven't really run into this. I think I'd be a little bit more worried about the mother. So have you, she seems. Yeah. Does she not like it, you dating or how's the, what's, is there drama there? Yeah. My situation is interesting because it's like, yeah, like you've had a deal.

But like a real deal, Puerto Rican baby mama. Like, you know, like, you got to really deal with that. I'm like, I'm not touching that with a 10-foot-ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, but I don't mention my kid's mom on dates. I just mentioned. Right. Obviously, she exists. Yeah.

No, but I mean, like, no woman has ever really asked me, like, about the mom, truthfully. Well, but I'm curious about your daughter's mom. Like, does she get crazy? Like, when you date people? Well, she doesn't know. She doesn't, like, nobody got far. Yeah. Don't ask, don't tell.

Nobody's, nobody's ever gotten. Because I think what my issue, I always think about this with my best friend. Like, clearly I'm on team best friend. But I do think about the mom because I'm like, it must be so hard to see your kid with this other woman. Like helping raise your kid. So I guess you haven't, it sounds like you haven't been in a serious relationship since you had your kid. Yeah, no woman hasn't met. Has met your daughter.

Oh, wow. Okay. Nobody. Because I just feel like, you know, that's. it's never yeah it's never got far out i think that changes the game and that's probably when your uh her mom would be like what right yeah yeah that would be interesting median is different that that would be a uh yeah i don't know i actually don't even want to probably subconsciously i've been like preventing that because she right lose our mind and you want to get back together with

her so yeah yeah yeah what would that take to introduce somebody to your daughter like just serious committed long-term relationship yeah i think i'd have to be be ready and I think yeah the woman would have to, it really have to be like dating for like a while. Right. Just because I know my daughter would get attached, you know. Oh, of course. I don't care about myself. I don't, you know, but it's like protect.

When it comes to protecting my kid, it's like, you know. A woman sent us a DM and she dated this guy with two children for years. And then they broke up and she misses the kids. And she's like, how do I deal with this? And she's like, I've actually tried to set up play dates. I talk to the mom. She's like, I miss these kids that I helped raise. And I was like, that's tricky and interesting.

Like, you really got attached to these kids. You were like a second mom to them. And then you're out of their lives. And she's like, I try to keep up with them and what they're doing on Facebook, not in like a creepy way, but I just like miss them. Yeah. And I feel like that would be so hard. Well, I feel like, yeah, I would, because you create a relationship.

Like, because my daughter's mom also had a child from a previous relationship. So I was like a dad and a stepdad. And I had my own relationship with, you know, because I don't view them as like my stepson or ex-stepson. I just, I connect everything through my daughter. So I'm like, that's my daughter's brother. Yeah. So, like, there's plenty of time. Like, I've developed my own relationship with him and I know, you know, how much my daughter

loves him. So, like, anytime there's, like, a cool, like, opportunity, I bring him along too. And the dad is okay with it? He's fine. Yeah, I mean, he's, he's fine with it. I mean, he, uh, yeah, him and I are like, you know, yeah, we're fine. We like barely see each other, but it's just like, you know, he's, uh, he started doing

stand-up comedy when I came into, No, he didn't. It's so bizarre. Seriously? I swear to God. Trying to emulate you? You're like a role model. I know.

And then like his son would be like, my dad's funny than you. I'm like, eh. You see like all this new shit, these new bunk beds? You know, my comedy paid for that. Not your dad's. I didn't say that. But in my head, I was like, your dad sucks. Did you?

Your dad's punchlines are whack. Did you send him the contract when you got the Comedy Central special? Did you send him a link to the contract? A link to the special. Hey, man, here's some tips. Oh, did I send that to you? Yeah. No.

Yeah, no, no, I don't care. When I see him, it's like all funny, but, but yeah, I think his, I have a good relationship with, with his son. Okay. My dad and my stepdad are like, frenemies. Yeah. Like, my, I've had, my dad, my dad was married to my mom just for the first four years my life, but my stepdad, I grew up with him.

25 years he's married to my mom. And like, they have this weird relationship. So I'll tell you a funny story. We were at my brother's football banquet in college. He's, like, graduating football banquet senior year. all the parents are giving speeches and my stepdad's there with my mom and you're my dad's there alone. So my dad gets up and he like clings the glass and he like, you know, welcome.

I'm so glad everybody's here and I just want to tell everybody. Mernan and I are getting back together. In front of like 150 people and my stepdad. Just the fuck around? Yeah. I fucking love your dad. I mean, I didn't know this. Your dad's out here doing bits?

Yeah. Oh. Did it get a huge laugh in the room? No, everybody's like so uncomfortable. comfortable. Like, I don't think people that age really get that kind of stuff. Yeah, they're not there for a comedy show. My dad's not like, oh man, like Bill Greenberg's the funniest guy ever. People are like, I'm not sure how to take this. That's what I'm saying. Like, my dad's like very comedic. Like you'd know he was joking. That is shocking. I did not know this story. That's hilarious. We're getting back with you mom.

Her husband's in the room. He's sitting right there. My dad casually drops this a lot. He really likes it. He thinks it's his funniest joke. It is a tough. And he, and my stepdad is this very like Protestant waspy. He's the most, he's like, he's like, he's like stepdad named Gary. Like he is so stereotypical stepdad. He wears like very loud shirts and he's just like, he doesn't talk. He's very, I haven't heard him talk since like 96. He doesn't talk at all. He's just like, your father is your father.

If you need anything, you'll ask me. Like he taught me how to drive. It was like the best day of his life. Yeah. I totaled his car. He didn't even get mad at me. Like he just, he doesn't talk. But anyways, yeah, my dad like silently necks my stepdad.

Like, when I was little, he would come to the house and my dad, my stepdad would like sitting at the breakfast table. I'd breakfast with my mom. But I would like go into the fridge, take one bite of something, put it back in the fridge. Really fuck with your mom. He'd go to the bathroom. He'd take a ship for like 45 minutes.

Not flush. Not flush. Leave a floater. He puts it in the tank. His favorite thing was going into the cookies and breaking one cookie in half, like just one by one, putting the other half back. It's great.

Savage. I love it. Well, I remember I dated a guy that his dad was married to this woman. So it was like his stepmom at some point. and they brought up his dad was kind of crazy. And they stayed close because, like, she helped raise it when he was a kid. So they stayed really close. And we went to her wedding to a new man.

So we went to, like, his ex-stepmom's wedding to, like, somebody else. It was just, like, the most random thing. I was like, what are we doing here? But I love that. I love that they stayed close. Like, you're in this person's life, you know? My parents, like I said, got divorced when I was in utero. And then my dad got remarried.

Married and divorce, right? Married and divorce in the whole course of my development pregnancy. It's fucking nuts. You really went through a roller coaster. And we got to tell us how they're back. And my, and my, and so I was like 14, 15 years old. You know, my mom was single forever. She's still never like ever remarried. But she was dating this guy. And then he broke up with my mom and started dating a woman right across the street. So my dad was like a kind of very, he's not anymore, but he's like a really tough guy like no education in and out of jail. like kind of like criminal kind of guy. So he came to pick me up because he always picked me up on the weekends from Staten Island. And my mom had a chair set up looking out the window at the apartment where her ex-boyfriend was like dating this new girl.

In the window, just a chair. Yeah, because she was like upset. She was like crying. It was devastating. Like this guy dumped her. And then a week later is dating a woman across the street, like directly across the street. So my dad comes up to get me. And I was like, kill a bitch.

Yeah. I was like in my room like playing video games or something. And like I said, it was 14, 15. and he was like, what's going on with your mother? And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, she's out there crying, looking out the window. What happened? I'm like, oh, she broke up with Jim.

And he's like dating a woman across street. He's like, are you going to do anything about that? I was like, what? I was like, I don't know. I'm like, what do you want me to deal? I was like, I'm 14 years old. What are you doing? Yeah, it was like, I don't know.

Yeah, what can I really? And he was like, all right, I'm going to go get us bagels. Just don't come outside. And I was like, and I didn't even think twice about it. Like I was just like playing video games. And then all of a sudden I hear my mom screaming, Tony, you're going to kill. What? And then she's like, Christopher!

She's like, Christopher! Get your father! And I'm like, what is happening? So I like, run down the stairs. My dad's walking back already, crossing the street. And this guy, Jim, is like running up into the apartment, like, holding his eye. In your apartment or the other apartment? Into his apartment where, like, he was dating the woman.

Oh, my dad's coming back upstairs to get me. And I, like, meet him at the front of the stairs. And my dad goes, no bagels. No bagels yet. my dad goes he goes get your shit we're leaving and i was and he was like and i was like okay so like my mom's screaming you know and then my dad's he's like listen lyn he's like lyn just go upstairs calm down i'm gonna take him we'll be back on monday she's like oh my god you're fucking psychopath you know but is she also like kind of turned on i don't know well here's the thing my we're driving

my dad doesn't say a word to me and then like we're like 45 minutes into the trip or like going over the verizono bridge into stent island and he's like look what i did was wrong I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have beat that guy up. He's like, but you have to understand you're the man of the house now. Your mother, she's everything. So you can't let her just sit and cry over anything. You have to take care of him. He's like, I shouldn't have beat him up.

He's like, but you should have at least been out there comforting her, comforting her, consoling her instead of playing video games. He's like, you know, he's like, Jim had to lose an eye because you want to play video games. That really is a great message. On Monday, when I got back, my mom was like, you know, how was everything? I'm like, yeah, you know, my dad said to tell you like he's sorry. And she's like, I know. She's like, I hope you don't think like violence is the answer.

Wait, I feel like I'm going to cry. No, but she said, she said, but just tell your dad, thank you. She's like, to be honest, it kind of made me feel better this weekend. That he heard him. That he heard him. This is my favorite story I've ever heard. I know, but it was crazy. Like my, and my dad always used to do that.

My dad would always be like whatever she needed because my dad's whole message. And it really came into play for me, you know, now that I have a kid and I wasn't, you know, I'm not with her mom. He's like, she's always, he was like, that woman, you know, my mom is always my mom to him. So it's like, whatever she needs, she will always be given by my dad. And that's kind of how I feel about my kid's mom. It's like whatever she needs is I have her. There's no animosity.

It's like if it didn't work out with us, that's fine. But like you are like the direct link to my child. And like you gave me this gift. So like you always, whatever I can give you, you will have. Even if you got remarried, like whatever, I'll give it to you. Like you gave me. And I think people need to realize that. And I've heard, you know, girlfriends that I've had that have dated somebody with a kid,

they're like, I hate that he still does this for his ex-wife or, you know, and it's just like, but come on. Like, they have a kid. Like, you got to share that. You know, we have like the, she gave me the most amazing gift. I can't forget that. And that's why, and that's why my dad was pissed. He was like, you know, I can't have, you know, my son's mother fucking crying like that.

And it's just like a dick move. And it was great. I'm actually so happy it happened to, like, because Jim, it was my best friend. Like a core group of friends. It was like me, it's kid Brian, Kieran, Ian, like, we were like all hang out. Jim was Brian's dad. Oh, geez. So it's like one of my core friends' dads started dating my mom.

Oh, my God. And then it's like, everyone would like hang out, somebody would be like, what do you think Brian's dad's doing? They'd be like, bang and Chris's mom. No. Fuck you. I hate this guy. And then my dad beat the shit at him.

That's amazing. Yeah. Also, why'd your parents break up? My parents? Oh. Okay. So I told you guys. Okay.

Can you tell us how they met? And then why'd they break up? I'm upset. Okay, so they broke up. So my mom, highly educated, articulate, very smart woman. And my dad's like a legit street thug from the Bronx, like in and out of jail. Like he was in jail, like in the 70s, 80s. He like did a little bit of time like when I was like a baby.

Like so real deal. And they met at a walkathon. My mom was walking in the walkathon, raising money for breast cancer. And my dad was doing community service on the side of the walkland. He was picking up garbage with like those like. A trash picture. Yeah. And he was like flirting with my mom with that.

He was like trying to pinch her butt with it. It was 1983. I swear. That's what she says. That's what she says. She was like, you know, he was like pinching my butt with it. I was like, yeah, he was like, she was like, stop, you psycho. But like, I think, but like, don't. But like don't. And my mom was like 21 at the time. So she was just like in Columbia, like school, university. And like, you know, I'm casually Ivy League. Yeah. Your dad's like. Yeah, my dad's just a fucking legit. With this big dick energy though. Yeah, big dick energy. Oh, they're sad of eight mile. Yeah. So, so I think she just wanted to like.

make a mistake. You know, I really think she did. She just wanted to, like, live a little bit, like, outside of what she was supposed to be doing.

From the other side of the track. And she fucking hooked up with my dad. And then they had me. And then, like, she very quickly, like, realized,

like, this was a mistake. Because, like, my dad, like, when she was, like, seven months pregnant with me,

he, like, took, like, like, life savings, which was, like, $10,000 and, like,

gambled it all, like, the Montreal Expos. Like, some, like, random dumb thing where he just had like a gambling addiction. He was just like a complete criminal. And he's like the best dad of all time.

Yeah. Never missed anything in my life. Like there's not one thing. Like when I graduated from graduate school, like my dad like showed up in like a suit jacket with sweatpants. It was like, that's my fucking kid. We were like getting like clinical doctorate degrees like prestigious awards. And my dad's like cursing.

He like showed up with like a sandwich. We're like, what are you fucking doing, dad? Like everybody else is like these people are like, Yeah, everyone else is like from Connecticut and like, you know, like, buttoned up suits, doctors, lawyers. Does your dad have super sperm also? I was,

got my question. When you said that he got your mom pregnant, I was like the super sperm. Does he have five times? I don't know. DeStefine of sperm. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if he did.

I don't think so. We're going to assume he does. Yeah, I mean, I would, yeah, he never, I mean, I'm his own kid. Yeah. Oh, maybe. But I don't know. No, I think like it just happened like,

The doctors, when it was explained to me, that they just said, like, my, that cowper's gland thing is just, it's just a hyperactive. Okay. It just happens with some guys. Yeah. I just, I don't know. I got a lot of glue. Raina's turned on again. Jesus Christ.

We need to change the name of the podcast. Every week, come comes up. And I go, oh, Raina loves come. And I tell our guest and they're like, Shakers told Christina last night. Also, Ari was probably a turn off then. No, Vesectomy. You can still come. Actually, that's probably like ideal for me because I don't take birth control.

Oh, perfect. You go next door. He's next door. Yeah. I'll fuck him later. It's fine. No, I just, just to wrap this up. But I really like this message because, like, I was brought up in a very similar

household. My parents, I never heard my dad say a bad word about my mom, not ever, not once, even when she remarried my dad. Like, my step would be out of town. And I remember, like, my mom thought somebody was trying to, like, break into the house or something. She called my dad. Like, that's what she called.

Absolutely. And, like, I never knew that my parents didn't like each other or had problems. And, like, you do this bit. It's funny that your dad's like, did your mom ask about me? My dad does that all the time. My dad's always like, is your mom asked about me lately? My dad's remarried in his 70s.

And I'll be like, no, she doesn't talk about you. I don't be like, I don't talk about her either. I don't care. I don't want to talk to her either. Always the one that got away. Is your dad remarried? My dad has got remarried like my stepmom's been in my life. I want to say like 33 years.

I'm 34, maybe 32 years. Oh, oh, wow. So like he instantly got remarried. Is she kind of fuggish too? Is she what? She like kind of thugged too. No, she went to Harvard actually. No, no, no, no.

Yeah. No, she's like, no, but she's not, you know, thug at all. But, like, her family, like, she had, like, a brother who was, like, murdered. Like, she's, like, involved, like, her. She's, like, has, like, a low-key, like, mafia family. Yeah. Yeah. Like, my dad comes from, like, that life.

But I don't think they knew that about each other until, like, they were married for a little bit. But she's great. And my mom and her mom used to not like each other. But my daughter has, like, brought everybody together. Like, any problems there were. And I just was like, look. because initially when my daughter first was born, there was still these arguments they would have

and like how come he gets the baby more than me like that? And I just had to sit down with all of them. I was like, look, I was like, my whole objective now in life is protecting Delilah and making sure she's surrounded by love. So I was like, so if you guys can't clear up your shit, you're not going to see her. I was like, because I don't care.

I was like, you raised me. I was like in your part of my life and I love you guys. But like, I'm all about protecting her. So if this is going to be a problem, then I'm, I'm going to view you guys as problems for my daughter. And you're just not going to get her. So either fix it and see her or don't fix it.

And I have no problem saying goodbye to you guys forever because I got my, this is my family now. And they're like, okay, we'll fix it. And now they fix it. Now it's like everything is all good. They all love each other. I don't see any problems. And everywhere my daughter goes, they're like, we love her. I love that.

And I think that will resonate with people too because you hear that all the time. Like people's families are arguing over the kid and who gets to see him. And I think it's like you draw the line in the sand. Like clear the shit up or you're not going to see him. We're adults now. I don't need, you know, I love my parents, but it's like, you raise me. I'm done. Figure it out.

I got to deal on my kid. Well, be an adult. Like, come on, guys. So being a dick. Um, should we talk about some dating stuff? Do you want to tell that story you told us earlier? You want to retell it about. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Just like out of the blue, just tell it. Yeah. Okay. So you told a story. I could. We feel like we wrapped kind of the kid stuff up. Yeah.

You've like nailed it on every point we wanted to cover. Well, I'll say this. Having a kid, it really, the best thing it does is put everything in, perspective because it makes you realize like what's important and what's like trivial and and like and and like what you know and like whoa you know like it just like helps me prioritize like my energy so like I remember when I started it was like only known to like the comedy community but I was dating this girl me this girl and Pete Davidson were like extreme we were like three best friends and we started and we broke up and I was like devastated and then Pete started dating that girl

And I was like fucking like that Pete was my best friend. And like then he got on SNL and it was like so brutal for me to deal with. And like people still to this. And you didn't know and everybody else knew. And I just felt like a fucking idiot. How long are you guys broken up and she was sleeping with him before you found out? Four months. What?

Yeah. And you just got you guys just kept hanging out like no. No, we don't. No. I was just like, you know, trying to be with her. And weren't you like crying on Pete's shoulder? I was crying on Pete's shoulder all. Yeah.

And it fucked me up. And and and people still to this day, who knew about it, like Insular and the comedy community were like, we're like, you know, why, you know, like, how do you deal with him? Like, can you even talk to him anymore? I'm like, yeah, I could be friends with all of them. I don't care anymore. Like, I just don't, I realized, like, he was 18 years old. Right. Like, who did you fuck up? Like, everybody fucks up. Right. Everybody fucks up. I don't care. So it's like, it was like, it's like this cathartic thing that just like let everything go. I've let it go. I've had it let go for

years but that's why like have it like me focusing on things that are important you know that's why I think like when you know with dating like like at least you'll the guy's not going to get hung up on bullshit like I was dating a girl and like she and like she didn't like text me back or she forgot to text when she got home or like

I thought she was like with another guy I would just be like listen are you telling me the truth and she'd be like yes then I'm like fine I'm going to watch fucking SpongeBob right I need to watch Moana what like I'm so pissed off about stuff all the time. Maybe I just need to have a kid to have a kid in CBD oil. CBD oils really helped me. I'm getting a lot of offers for CBD oil.

Ever since I stepped away from Catholicism and started using CBD oil, my fucking life's changed. So you should replace Jesus with drugs and everything's good. Boom. There it is. Do you put in your coffee? I put in my coffee. Because I feel like it makes you a little sleepy, but obviously coffee wakes you up. So like every morning that's three drops and boom. But it's got to be CBD oil derived from marijuana. It can't be derived from hemp,

which is New York only has CBD derived from hemp. Massachusetts, Colorado, those places have it from THC. Oh, I didn't realize that. Can you order it online? I believe so. Yeah, I got mine from Denver, but you can drive to Massachusetts. They're like the closest legal. I mean, I know like in New York, like a pretty small vials like $75, $85.

That's what it was. Yeah, Denver, it felt like I think it was, yeah, 75 or 80, but mine cinnamon flavored. It's good. Oh, and the coffee. I like that. Yeah, yeah. It's good. I have hazelnet coffee that I drink every morning.

little cinnamon and it might be nice. A little cinnamon's cute. I'm sure you can get some hazelnut CBD for your coffee. No, put it in. No, I want to mix up the flavors. I already have hazelnut coffee. Yeah.

Yeah, so those two things have helped me more than anything. More than the kid. CBD. CBD cutting out Catholics. Yeah. Be saying goodbye to Jesus. Yeah. Same.

Me too. I feel great. Girl, bye. Well, I love that and I think that like. That's what I said. I don't know why you didn't do this entire interview in the voice. The whole bit about Puerto Rican girls

being like NFL I sent it to my brother my brother I mean he's big football I played college football and I sent him that clip from your Instagram and he was just like god he this is so fucking good and he's just kind of enthralled by comedians in general and you know he's so supportive of like our careers

and my career and he just that it's so good yeah I mean she's fucking I just felt like they're all like that like I remember she used to like I would come home from like road trips and she would like take like look in my comb and like look like look through every bristle for like hairs.

Like what do you think having sex with girls and combing their hair? Like what kind of psych- But that's the thing that girls do? I mean, I've done that before I'm like,

what the fuck is this hair tie? Like this isn't the kind that I wear. A hair tie and a hair tie are different. No, she's looking for microscopic hair follicles in the fucking bristles of the brush.

I mean, I would do that. Because you're a comedian, you travel a lot and she knows that you can... Well, that's why I think like there's a place now where like, you know, because she knows my work.

I know her. Like, I know what's going to piss her off and what's not. Like she openly told me when we were dating and I just did it. I thought it was always a trap but she's real. She's like, I don't care if you get a blowjob. She's like, you just can't have sex with girls. Right. If we're dating. I was like. Well, we've been

we joked. This was on another podcast. I feel like a blowjob's more intimate. Well, I don't know. It's all intimate to me, but we talked about this on a podcast we went on recently called How Come. You guys should listen to it. It's very funny. And I was like, go get a blowjob or a hand job, but don't comment a heart under a girl's Instagram.

Like, it is so much different. Like, I would rather you go get a hand job at like a massage parlor or get drunk and hook up with somebody then see you flirty texting. A high five. I would lose my mind. A heart. I'll murder you. Oh my God.

She would fucking flip out for comments on my any picture I posted. I'm like, I can't stop them from posting. And she's like, I don't know. Fucking figure out a way. She's like, because I get fucking pissed when I look at up. Turn commenting off. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I turned commenting off.

I was like, just unfollow me. Block every girl. She would be following them. Every day she wakes up and does a story on your Instagram. She's like, listen, poppies. Yeah, yeah. She has your login. Okay, actually, we ask every guy this that has any sort of notoriety.

Do you get a lot of DM slides from girls? Yeah, a good amount. Okay. I'm being honest. Yeah. Have you ever... Skyrocketed since the Comedy Central thing? After this, it will skyrocket even more.

You can't even imagine how many people are going to try to talk about. No, really, we're not kidding. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, I know when I did that guys, we fucked podcast, too, was like, br-hmm. But it's cool. It's, it's, I mean, what am I going to, you know, I'm not going to fucking be. It's, yes.

Have you ever entertained it? Oh, yeah. Okay. For sure. Um, uh, yeah. I mean, I get, um, yeah, I get a good amount. I get a good amount. What's your first date move?

Um, well, again, because I'm usually like, 69. Oh, you mean like sexual? No, I wasn't. I meant like, where would you go? You know, unfortunately, not unfortunately, but like, if I'm, if I don't have the night, if I'm in New York, like, I'm either, I'm seeing my daughter. And then I have shows, like, to Matt, I've got three shows at the comedy cellar. Like, I'm always, like, at the comedy cellar at a comedy club in New York if I'm not on the road.

So, like, usually, like, a girl will just have to be okay with coming to a show and then getting a drink after. Okay. I can't, like, go to, like, dinner. I mean, I could, but it's like, it's, like, very small windows of time. I think that's easier in New York. I feel like people are always out. They're out late. Yeah.

And who doesn't want to go to a comedy club and get a show. It's fun. We'll have a drink after. We could go to dinner after, but. You're like, I know that like you don't get in a long-term relationships, but like first time you hang out with a girl, do you care if she comes to your comedy show? Does it bother you?

Does it you like it? You like it? You like it? I don't like whatever makes them feel comfortable. I, again, because I think it's just like this subconscious parent energy. Like whatever she wants to do or doesn't want to do is like fine by me. Like if she's like, look, I don't ever want to go to your comedy shows. I'm just like, and it's no.

I'm like, okay, then that's totally fine. Or if she's like, look, you know, I don't want to go out on a. second day with you. I'm like, that's fine. Like, I just, and there's nothing a girl could do that would hang me up because, not that I don't care, but it's just my mind. It's like, well, then just let her go because there's so many people in this world. Like, I just, I'm just like, whatever you want to do, whatever makes you comfortable, then let's do that. And whatever you don't want to do, I just, you tell me what you want to do and we'll do that. It's fine. Right. Like, it's not worth the time and energy to have any conflict. Yeah, like, or, you know, like, whatever

makes her feel uncomfortable. I'm just like, then we just won't do that. Like, just tell me what you want to do. It doesn't have to be complicated. Yeah. But usually, yeah, it's got to be a comedy show. But, but I mean, sometimes, you know, it's interesting. Like, sometimes, like women, you know, it's just really like, I took a screenshot of it. Like, a girl, like, her opening message was her, she just had a butt plug in and a dildo in her pussy.

And that was just, she was like, I love your comedy. And sent the picture. Yeah, just sent it. Yeah. Who took the photo? I don't know. That sounds like a hard photo to take by yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll show it to you. Oh, let's see that photo. If I have, if things are inserted. into both of my holes. I feel like there would be hard to take a photo. Right? Well, you still have a hand free.

Yeah, but like if you have something in your butt and in your vagina, like how am I taking the long arms? Right. Or timer. She set up a tripod. Yeah.

You can't move further than this because it'll like a lodge in your but hold. Well, we're about to see. Yeah, I don't, yeah, I gotta find it. Oh, yeah,

you can probably tell about how far the, how distant. Oh, a selfie stick. Or someone, a selfie stick. Oh my God. That's what selfie sticks are for.

Vagina picks. Oh, you know what? I don't know. Maybe did I delete it maybe? I think I might, I think I may have deleted it because I like wanted to like take my kid's mom out to eat. And I was like, oh, she sees this. I'll never have a chance.

But maybe I did. I don't know. So I have to ask you this question. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe it's too personal. But over the years, have you like randomly hooked up with your daughter's mom? Oh yeah. Like you guys will get together.

I feel like it's like a Ross and Rachel thing. Like they like get together. I'm still so like insanely like she's so hot. Like she's just like a classic like just like smoking hot like Latina girl. So like there's been times where like I know like I've obviously not that it's a trap. But like you know like I've like went there like dropped the baby off and like you know been like hang out whatever. And like the baby's falling to sleep and went to like go throw something in the laundry. And she's like just like in a thong.

And I'm like, you know? Or like just like in beauty short. That's the giveaway? Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, yeah. Well, if you were to cite a reason why you guys don't work, what would it be? I think initially it was, you know, she doesn't understand my career and like she doesn't, she doesn't trust me. So it was like that was fair.

If you're a very jealous person, I think it's hard to date a comedian who's on the road all the time. Yeah. So I just don't know. Like, that's their biggest hang up is like, is my career ever going to be cohesive to like what she can handle? And I don't know what the answer to that is. I feel like I'm always out late. I have to go on the road a lot. But it's like what, you know, like makes like a good living for me and gives her an easy life and our daughter right now an easy life.

So so I just feel like, you know, it's just kind of what, you know, like would you even be like my question always was always to her? Like would you even have been attracted to me if I didn't like have the career that I have like because like, you know, I took like a chance and like living my dream like that. You told me in the beginning like that's what you liked about me. I like fucking took a chance. The thing that somebody likes about you. We say this all the time. Something that attracts somebody to you initially ends up breaking you up in the end. It's happened to both of us.

Like these guys we've dated have been like so attracted. You being like successful, powerful, like running business kind of female. And then in the end it's like now you emasculate me and we break up. Like we have happened. It's happened to both of us. Yeah. Yeah. But now I think like now of just especially like, you know, 2018, 2019.

I'm like, do I just want to be like it takes a lot of energy like entertain these DMs or the Raya dating after all? I'm like, should I just like, because like anytime I get anything cool, like, for example, like in June, I'm doing like three weeks in Europe in the UK. And my agent was like, oh, you can bring somebody. It's like, I only think about bringing my kid's mom. Like I only want, anytime I see anything cool or if I'm on the road, I'm like, oh, I wish she was here. I wish my family was here. So it's like, this is like, why don't I just try to make that work? I don't know. It may be silly for me to even think that it could because we were so sure it was over when it ended. But I don't know. Now I'm having like all these second thoughts. Does she work? Sorry. She's, yeah, like a personal trainer. I just didn't know if she could, like, come on the road with you if that was an option. She could. I mean, you know, it's just like, my daughter's only three right now.

Yeah. Well, then she'll be in school eventually. Yeah, she'll be in school. The one thing, though, that kind of resonates because we love this quote. One of our guests said it, or an earlier episode, that it was like, the goal of a relationship and when you're in love with somebody is that you make each other's day easier. And so, like, that's always sat with me and I think about it all the time. And so it's like, yeah, if someone's harassing.

you about your job and making you, like, stressing you out more. It doesn't work. Yeah, because it's like, she'd have to like relax. She'd have to relax. But it's also like, you know, then there's things, like even simple things where it's like, you know, shit. Like when I was with her, like, she's like an amazing cook. Like that's like a big thing. Like I was like so much healthier with like her in my life. Because like, and everything was just like whatever, whatever I need. Like all my needs were like taken care of. I just had to focus on like doing my comedy. And there was like a lot of like jealousy bullshit. But I was wondering now, like, could I have just like let that go in one ear and out the other because she never,

it was, anytime she would get mad at me and yell at me, it was never like, it was never like carrying on for days. It was like three hours later, she was like, okay, what do you want to eat? So I am. needed to get it out and be like, fuck you, you piece of shit. Just wait her out. I know you fuck this bitch.

Fuck her. And then if I just like would have never entertained it and just like, okay. It'll go away. I'm like just like go like play with the baby. Like every time. That's all Raina deals with me. I flip out.

I'm dramatic and Raina just waits it out. And then it's over. You're so Puerto Rican. Yeah, no, she, she's just like, so I think I could have handled it better. Well, I, I support you guys being back together, being a family. Yeah, I don't know. I think, but I think, unfortunately, I think it's probably like this unrealistic idea. But you never know.

It's like, don't get the rest of your lives figure out. You never know. I think sometimes when you walk away from a relationship, it's, you can finally get the clarity of like, did I overreact? Was this really such a big deal? Maybe I could have dealt with this. And, like, I think sometimes you misremember things also. You're like, okay, this, I think, like, I look back in relationships and I'm like, I could have, the person I was engaged to it for a while, we were together for a long time, he was such a good guy.

And for years after that, I thought, I mean, he left me. But for years, I thought, like, did I not fight for this enough? Like, could I have just dealt with and settled for all the things? And, like, ultimately, the answer to that for me is no. Right. But you were going through periods thinking, like, maybe I could have. 100%. I saw him again last year and that really put to bed that, that feeling.

I mean, I don't see him every day like you do. But it put to bed the feeling for me of like, should I have fought for this harder? Because I was like, oh, if I was back in this tomorrow, the same feelings would flare up again. But I don't know. Sometimes you grow up and you don't feel like that anymore. Yeah, I think it's extremely difficult for like parents who have kids to like break up unless one of the other people gets into like a serious relationship. Because we see each other every single day. Like I wasn't able to get that year of not seeing them where it's like you really heal.

I saw her. We broke up. She like threw me. She like, I like left. Like she like threw me out or I left the apartment Monday and like Tuesday I was back there to get my kid. Even though it was just for a second. Like you're seeing that. You have to see that person.

Yeah. So you can't. I have no time to get away. I could have. But then that the sacrifice is not seeing my child and I wasn't going to do that. Right. You know, so. All right.

Well, are you ready to play a game or do a segment with us? Anything else we haven't covered. No. I keep thinking like I can't imagine my parents ever being sexually attracted to each other. getting back together. Like this thought never crossed my desk. I had friends in college, her parents. I remember meeting them at a football game.

I went to Clemson and I just thought they were married. They were both there and they were great. They were like so and they stayed best friends for years. They get divorced and then they just got remarried again. Oh yeah. Really? Like in their 60s? Good.

You can always rekindle. All right. We're going to do a segment with you. We haven't done it in a long time. We did it with Jared Fried and some other people. Jay Trane. Jay Trane. Can you impersonate him?

Jared. Raina does it. Let me do J-Train. It's just screaming. We're all in the middle of the bell curve. Every one of us think that we're very unique. We're not. We're all in the middle of the bell curve.

Coffee with J-Train. Hazelnut. Good morning. Go, Patriots. He's always shirtless on a roof. He can be 10 degrees outside. He's shirtless on a roof. On his roof.

Always. Yeah. I just got a new apartment. There's like a gorgeous roof. This is going to be me from now on every morning. I'm doing shirtless on my rooftop. Coffee with Ray Train. I like that.

Oh, nice. But like the words will be across my face and like I get some hair. I can glow on my chest like him. Beautiful. Okay. So anyways, we played it with him. It's called mansplaining.

Okay. And we're going to, we used to pitch kind of like scenarios that guys and hadn't. Now we actually have emails. We're going to have you mansplained the email. Oh, yeah. It's great. It's real.

Okay. This is like a friends wanting to push it forward kind of situation. Okay. Want to get out of the friend zone. I'm in a bit of a situation right now. now need your assistance. I've been good friends with this guy for two years now and we've a very flirty relationship. I've always been interested in him

but looking back, I've definitely friends owned him on accidental times several times. That's not what that says, but you get the just. Our relationship hasn't changed all. It still remains a sordid this day despite me doing so. I really want to be more than friends and I don't know how he feels. My friends have seen us

together and feel like he likes me back and always has but he's scared of getting rejected because I'm always giving him mixed signals without me realizing it until now. How can I go about showing him that I do in fact like him as more of a friend. I need all the help I can get. Love your podcast. Keep doing you. Come back to the West Coast. Okay. So friends with this guy wants to get to the next level. Not sure how to do it. I personally think this is just me. I don't, you know, you only know from what you read. I blame it more on the guy being like, I don't want to say

a pussy, but like he should be able to like I just go for it. Like if I think like there's, you like me or there's something into it? Like, I'm just going to try to kiss you. Even if you've been friends for two years, though. Well, I mean, the fact that he's remaining friends with you two years in is maybe he doesn't like her. Because I would never, I would never be friends with a girl that I liked for two years without like being, I mean, what's the, I'm like, I want to, I want to be intimate with you. And if you don't want it, like, it sounds like she feels as though she's rejected him in the past. And so like she said she's friends over one a couple times.

which makes me think that he may be made a pass at her and she wasn't into it. To me, this sounds like this guy used to like her, she wasn't into it, and now she's reconsidering and wants to tell him he likes her. He might be over it. Yeah, he might be over it because I just feel like, I mean, I don't know, man. Do you think would you be turned off if like you just went to drinks? And she was like, hey, is this the thing? If not, no big deal.

But like, do you like see me as more than a friend or no? I think turned off, no. But I think like, first of all, any. any opening that she gives him, like if she says it, like he's gonna, you know, like, who wanna try to have sex with her

right then and there. Yeah. Like you've known each other for two years. Like, that's my, but like what he's been waiting for. But it just feels like

when I was reading it, that maybe he did like her and like because she said no, like he just shut it off. But all she has to say, like, as a girl to a guy is like, do you,

I like you like you more than that and then it's just going to happen. I don't know that you just like get drunk. I think you just get drunk and you're kind of like sitting between each other's legs. He can be a little touchy, and then, like, you know, you can suggest the person comes over, like,

make out or something like that at the bar. Make out of the bar. Like, I don't think that you necessarily have to say it. But my theory, and I could be totally wrong. I mean, this is like, all this is complicated stuff. They've been friends for two years. They probably have a similar friend group. I think if a guy wants to fuck you, he'll try to fuck you. I just don't know more details.

He could have literally tried in the past and multiple times. And this guy is like, I cannot get rejected again. So I want to know what she means by that. She friends over in the past. I would say, yeah, I would say she's got to do something. Yeah. touch his leg, you know, tell him that he looks like he looks jacked lately. Just make him.

Right. Touch him. Like, I think like have a couple drinks and like touch his leg a lot. Yeah, because I mean, he's probably, he's certainly been fantasizing about it. Right. Okay. So touch him physically. I would.

Grab his dick. Absolutely. Seriously. Okay. That'd be awesome. Okay. Do you want to do this one? Sure.

This is a, this is an oldie but a goody. We're going to reach out. We haven't used in like a while. Okay. Need your girls advice. I went out with this guy once and we had a great time ever since he hasn't asked me out again. Text me every once in a while

but watches every single Instagram story I post and even likes my Instagram posts. I feel like he's my personal stalker, but he apparently doesn't want to date me. What's going on here? We've answered this before, but we want your take on this. Do they have sex?

It doesn't say. It sounds like they went out once, had a good time. And she's like, well, where's our second date? And he's like just haunting her on social media. Like our main question is, we always like to guys answer, is there literally any weight in watching Instagram stories and liking posts? No. I mean, I don't think so because like I've heard this before like, you know, girl, Nikki Glazer, she was just talking about it on the show.

She was like, you know, she'll sometimes like dress in a certain way or like do something and like specifically wanting her crush to watch her story. And like as a guy, I've never ever watched a girl's story like on purpose. It's just popping up and I'm just pressing the button. Like I don't. You're on the toilet. It's completely mindless when I'm watching your story or even liking your pick. I just don't. I mean like I'll see, I don't read the caption.

It's like, oh, that she looks hot. Bang. Yeah. And I don't even, it's mindless. It's truly like if you could tell me like, hey, you like all my picks and I swear on everything, I would not know that I liked all your picks. Like I have no idea. It's mindless entertainment for me.

like it's social media, it's on the toilet, it's on the train. It's no, I'm not, so I think she's reading too much into it. Like, he's not purposely liking your picks or your stories. It's just, he doesn't want to go on a second date with you. And I don't know why. I have no way, that I don't know why, but I know for a fact, he's not intentionally watching your stories and liking your picks. Well, he's just watching your TV show.

Like, 100 other people's TV show. I don't know why he doesn't want the second day. Well, he could be, we, this sounds like a couple things we've had guys say before. that we did this game with. Jared says he calls it the hookup alley-oop, so he's in touch. So in case- Delaware- Does he has a coin term for everything. It pisses me off. You can't do. Shut up with your dumb names, Jared.

Well, Jared's like seven podcasts. I know. He's got like, J-Train omelet hour. Just make the eggs. Hazel, not coffee. Does he make you breakfast when you go there? He has, actually. I've been there in the morning and he's made like an ice.

Is he a secret chef? I can see. He's fucking great. Jared's got his life together. Can't you see that about Jared? He like randomly cooks up like a three-course breakfast. Do you like stop by? No, he's really good when he was making the omelets and like he's good and he makes like a homemade ice coffee.

He can flip it. A homemade ice coffee? Yeah, he's got a homemade. He like bruise it and it's like a, it puts it in a blender. It's like a fucking mocha chino. He's making mochainos with no shirt on it. He'll surprise you because he judges everybody so hard and then, but then he'll cook you breakfast and you're like, oh, he's so sweet.

No, Jared's a sweet kid. He's a sweet. We think so Jared Fried like, sorry. But what I wanted to say was crispy. So we had another guest on. He said, crispy. This name's James. But he works for fuck Jerry.

like this, that's his handle crispy shorts. Everybody wants to follow. 29. We'll not talk about. If you're anti-fuggery, we can cut this. No, I don't care. I don't care. We, uh, he said, if he really likes a girl and he might actually not watch their stories.

I'm muting it. He's going to mute their story and not watch it. So he said literally when a guy's watching all your stories, it means zero. It means zero. It does. I've never, if I like a girl, like, you know, I'll follow them, but like I've never ever had any thought, like I've never thought deeply into any of this stuff. Yeah.

Muting them, not muting them. Like, it's just there. You guys are simple-minded. It's not real to me. Yeah, I'm crazy. The minute I like a guy as much as my hormones go off, I'm muting. You're mutin. Yeah, I know.

I mean, yeah, it's pretty weird. But we just, we love to hear guys hammer this message home of like, it doesn't mean anything. It just, I mean, at least to me, it doesn't. I mean, I just, I've never thought about it. Like, it's cool, like to, like, if you DM a girl, like, then, it's like, yeah, I'm intentionally trying to say hi here. Of course.

But like the watching the story or the liking the post, like, I don't know. I'm like, that used to cause fights with my kid's mom. She's like, why are you liking this bitch's post? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't even know. I don't even know. Like, I'm just pressing a button. There's people that like.

I'm just pressing the button. There's people that like my Instagram story post. I cannot believe they have the audacity to do it. Like my ex-fiancee. Every single thing that we do. I don't follow him. So like, I have a pretty large Instagram following. So that the probability that I would even see somebody like something of mine is very slim.

He likes every single thing I post. Her fiancee that left her. Left me. That's some balls. You're all nuts. But women are nuts to you. It's a bold move, though. It's a bold move to me for a man or I guess a woman to really kind of reject somebody

and then just interact with them on the internet to me. Yes, right. Leave me alone. Just come on. Like just leave me alone, Nathan. You know, like I don't need. 100% I get it

I don't know I just have no stake in the social media thing I just I don't care I mean it's there I reach out to women I just have never thought I mean people

sometimes will message me thanks for liking my post I'm like I don't even know that I did but I'm like you're Welks your welks babe that's what my ex is doing he's like you know

I don't have any stake in her personal well-being I'm just gonna be out here like her social media I mean I'm like thanks for the number you know thanks for the like I guess more engagement

sometimes I'll post something and then I'll like it myself. Like I'll like my own post. Like, why do you like your own post? I'm like I don't even know I did. I post something and I go to all of our accounts and I like it from all the, I have a fake dog account called Bagel the Yorkie. You'll go back and forth conversations with yourself. No, it's smart.

Or like when people get mad if you didn't like one of their posts, it's like what do you, what world are you living in? You have a big Instagram following. Where did that come from mostly just over the years or was there a surge from some specific thing? I would say initially it was the guy code and girl code. Oh, right, right, right. Not the hyenas.

No, not yet. I mean, a little bit. We have real fans now, though. Like, real, real. I believe it. Fucking psycho fans. We're fans now. Do you do any live shows for that?

No, we're going to be doing our first live show sometime in March or April. We'll do it. We'll come on. Please, come through. 100%. That'd be great. No, seriously, we love it. We just had our first guest who was Ari Javier.

Like, we just started doing guests. You started pretty high. You said the bar high. Yeah, yeah. I've got a picture of my name. I'm not trying to make it weird, but like we do want to come on. No, we would have, we would love to have you. guess. You'll be a top 10 comedy podcast overnight.

Just let us promote it once. No, we'll come. We do it right here by the comedy seller like in the West Village. Oh, you do it at the comedy seller? Yeah, upstairs. Yeah, the studio there. Oh, we would love that. Yeah, there's a studio right up. Thanks for inviting us. No, seriously. Come on. And what we do is like, you know, what history topic do you guys want? You don't have to research it, but what would you like to talk about or what do you know a little bit about? And we'll research it. And we'll research it and talk about it and whatever you want to do or not do is fine. But like, we'll, that's what we did with Ari. Like, we just did a whole episode on Hasidic Jews.

Come stuff. Yeah. We could talk. Yeah, we could talk about the history of come. Constere cumb and animals. You know, we'll talk about like sex shit and animals. I love Australian wildlife. We can talk about like what animals have the most come. Do you know about the, um, I love the elephants. Is it?

I think so. They have the biggest loads. So I love Australian wildlife. Like I follow all these Instagram accounts. Quala is my number one, but the kangaroos also. And did you ever see the buff kangaroo? Oh, yeah. Roger?

Yeah. Fucking jacked. Did you see this jacked kangaroo? No. Yeah. He was like famous in Australia. He's, I almost feel it's very weird, but you see him. He's jacked.

Jacked. Like it's nuts. We're going to look it up on it. Like kind of hot. Yeah. Absolutely. All right. Sorry.

Now we're going on the tangent. You like want to jump in his pouch. It's. He wants to jump in my pouch. All right. Well, so we're already plugged hyenas. Yes.

What is? At history hyenas. Okay. On, on Instagram. We have our own Instagram. And then it's the on iTunes, wherever you get your podcast.

And then plug everything else. You want people to do special where you can find it. At Christy. Christie Comedy on Christycomedycom. Christy Comedy.comity, Instagram, Twitter. And then, you know, my specials, one hour special, size 38 waste. Very funny. Thank you.

It's on Comedy Central. On Comedy Central on demand. Anywhere you can buy specials, it's... You can get it for free also on Comedy Central.com. And, yeah, it's fun. And then, yeah, and I'll be... I have so many shows coming up. Philly, Denver, D.C.C.

So go to Christycomedy.com and check out my stand-up dates. And then in New York, are you typically... typically at the seller? Comedy seller pretty much every night. Okay. Great. There it is. L loser. Yeah, I'm just there. When, okay. So when will be your next? Would you know when this is coming out? Probably the 18th. The 18th? So the 8th, so the 21st to the 23rd, February 21st to the 23rd, I'll be at the punchline Philly. That's where we're going in April. Cute. Cute. Yeah. Um, we're, those, our shows sold out so

quickly. We're so excited about Philly. Do you know anything really about Philly? Yeah. Like, do you know Gritty and the mascot for the Flyers? Yeah. I don't, I mean, I don't know personally. We're trying to get him to come to the show. He's going. What the fuck? He's expensive. Dizzy?

Okay, so Philly people go see. He's expensive. I know. Shut up. He's the most famous. Look, there's a framed photo of him right there. Yeah, but he shouldn't be costing that much money. I mean, I have a frame photo.

I mean, he's famous, I guess. So if you're in Philly, this weekend tomorrow, this week. Please, come. Okay. Punchline's a great venue. Punchline, Philly. Yeah. DC is a great venue for comedy as well.

D.C. Improv. I'll be there. Denver. Denver. Comedy works. 14 to the 16th. So I was just there. You missed it.

Assholes. Okay. You guys. Fuck you guys. You guys fucked up. All right, Raina. Want to send us off?

Yeah. As always, you guys can find us at Girls Gotty podcast on Instagram. You can find me and Ashley at One Hungry Jew and Ash Hess with three S's, two H's. You should be following all of our Instagram accounts. And then always, of course, merchandise and tickets, girls got eapodcast. Dot com. Thanks.

Thanks. We love you, Chris. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Bye. Please.