Girls Gotta Eat - Why We Fake Orgasms and How to Stop feat. Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

We are SO excited (or rather, aroused) to do this episode about faking orgasms! We brought in sex therapist and bestselling author Vanessa Marin to chat about how many women are faking orgasms, why we do it, how to stop doing it, and how to talk to your partner if you've been faking for a while (or forever!). We also break down how to end the sexual experience when you don't know how, reframing "good sex" even when there isn't a climax, and how to mix up the order you do things in the bedroom so everyone gets off. And we even touch on men having difficulty reaching orgasm. Before Vanessa joins us, we're catching up on Ashley meeting her boyfriend's parents, Rayna's awkward vibrator moment with her family, and we have a very special (official) debut from TESSA! We're also introducing new Vibes Only products – handcuffs anyone? Enjoy! Follow Vanessa on Instagram at @vanessaandxander, get her book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, listen to her podcast Pillow Talks, and visit vmtherapy.com for more. Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Buffy: Get $20 off your order at buffy.co with promo code GGE. Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at nutrafol.com when you use promo code GGE. Hello Fresh: Get one breakfast item per box while subscription is active at hellofresh.com/ggefree and use code GGEFREE. SKIMS: Get free shipping on orders over $75 at skims.com. Hinge: Download Hinge and find someone worth deleting the app for at hin.ge/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do I do? I'm married to this person now. And he thinks, this is how my body works and this is what I like. And how am I supposed to rewind 20 years to that experience and say, like, I changed my mind. Psych. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Raina, you have been a naughty girl.

Handcuff me, baby. This is so funny. We just have our handcuffed sitting in between us. It's cute. Do you want to handcuff them together? Yeah. We took your pink together forever. Look at your purple nails.

They match. We have to be like this. episode now. This is cute. If you're not watching on YouTube, you should be, but Rayne and I are going to be cuffed up this whole, this whole episode. This is going to be, can we do it? Oh, there we can do it. This is so weird for me. I don't mind it. You don't like, but then I get going too much with my hands. It makes me go closer to you. I don't get to touch you that often. Okay. Okay, we'll take them off. We'll talk about it. Yeah. But we are back from Thanksgiving. I always find a way to bring it up. You know, we are going to talk about it because we recorded our last week. episode before we left. So we're going to recap it a little bit. I have to say that this year, I did get some tea and drama from people. You did? I got people sending me, like, some stuff about their family, and I'm just going to kick it off with my favorite one. I already sent this to you and Tessa.

But I got a DM that said, Thanksgiving tea. My uncle was just fired from his job for attending the January 6th insurrection. Such good tea! Nobody in the extended family knew he was there. We were shook. Imagine getting fired for something. thing in 2023 that you did in 2021. I mean, yes, I actually think I need to go back in three years ago with her and get more

information. Like, how did it surface? This was three years ago. It was crazy. That had some good ass taste. I love it. Fuck your uncle. Seriously. I got tons of tags of Thanksgiving beige plates. It was very sweet. People were really some years they tagged me real small. This year it was just like beige plates and big and blazoned

across the screen. This one's for Raina. Yeah, it was just very like, and not for Ashley. And it's like a nun for Gretchen Wieners. Like it was really, I got tagged in one, like a pity tag. But it was really like, because then I would go in and see the girls got to eat tags. And I was like, damn, we've been getting tagged a lot, not me. We were going to like private submission, Sparkle Eyes submitted his to me. It was good.

It was a good one. Little curry on there. Yeah. Looked nice. Hurry. Looked in Thanksgiving curry. We have a really exciting episode for you guys today. We're talking about faking orgasms.

So just to kick it off in the beginning, we have a lot of announcements and fun stuff. We have orgasm announcements. But we're just going to knock this out. one by one real quick. GGEE, we released a whole new merch line with girls got to eat because I didn't really want to spend time with my family at Thanksgiving. I figured I would just sit inside and work on this all day every day. But Ashley and Tessa were so helpful and we have released a whole new line. We have what doing hats. We have to be honest, I'm horny mugs. We have great just classic GGE, maroon green sweatshirts. The crew necks are really flying. We have established in 2018.

Oh yes. I almost forgot about them because we did like a New York City and then a lot of Angeles line for those bi-coastal besties or just wherever you live. Just, you know, I love it. And then we like a property of kind of like an athletic style. But yes, Rayna and I collaborate on a lot of these creative ideas. And then Raina really manage this whole thing. So I just want to shout you out. You really spend a lot of time and effort into getting this up. Because here's what Raina says. I go, I don't care, Raina. I cannot add this to my plate. And then you go, well, you do this all the time. And then you do care. You are going to care. You are going to care. That's what you said you are going to care. Every year. I'm like, you're going to care.

Because I'm just like, I can't add it to my plate. And you're like, but you do care. And I'm like, you are right. Like, I can't just be like, just do whatever. Because then I'll be like, actually, no, I hate this. I have feedback. I have ideas. But the established 2018 was like totally your idea.

I think it's like so cute. Thank you. It's really cute. Thank you. Our friend Robb said that on your grave is going to say just one more thing. Actually, just one more thing has little time. You do just have like just one more idea. Just one more thing.

So that is all available at girls got eight.com. The deadline to order for holiday shipping like guaranteed as much guaranteed as we can is December 11th. So sign up for our newsletter, Girls Gotteeat.com, and we'll maybe do another sale before this is up, but you know, you got to check that newsletter and sign up and just enjoy it. We're excited to provide this for you and it's been selling really, really well. Yes, it's really fun. We haven't had new merch in a while, so we're excited for those of you who are excited about it too that really wanted some new stuff. Also new is my iPhone. She finally made it, guys. She's finally here. I've had the iPhone 12 for years. I literally can't.

I can't believe it. And I got the 15. Pro Max. You know my Pro Max girly? Welcome. 512 gigs. You probably don't relate to this. So my,

I got the iPhone. We both got the same one. The Pro Max is so lightweight, but I don't know that you would know that because you didn't have the 13 and the 14, which was like a brick. Rainy, you sent me the funniest text and you were like,

this 15 is so good, not that you have anything to compare it to. Give us this passive aggressive dig. But you were right. I mean, what are you feeling? So I love it. I had that 12 for so long. I do feel like that was my favorite of all my babies.

It's the thing I really did a good time with my 12. I don't get it. It's the thing I most don't relate to about your personality. Because like nothing about the rest of your personality is like, let me hang on to a phone for four generations. It's just kind of look, if it's not broke, don't fix it kind of thing. But like you do start to realize, like we dropped this video with my dad for vibes only.

My dad did another reaction video to the Debbie. It was very funny. And I had to be like, Matt, We have to shoot it on your phone. You know, I don't like being like, we have to always use someone else's phone because mine's not as good. It's the thing that it makes no sense with you.

So, GirlsGottypockets. Shop for the merch and Apple.com for the iPhone 15 Pro Max. Okay. And now Vivesonly.com for a plethora of new things for you. We do. We're so excited. Like, this has been such a long road to really launch all this new stuff. Like, this is the second installment of our new shit for the holidays.

We did the Debbie and the blow gels, and now we have the handcuffs and the Lucy, too. You guys, these are so exciting. I'm going to let you. I'm a let you. When you talk about the handcuffs? Yeah, I'll be. So the first thing, it's just an accessory for your collection. We have released silicone handcuffs.

And this bitch learned how to say silicone. They are a dark shade of purple. We're in our purple era at this company. But I think it's a really nice way to just ease into kink. They don't look as intimidating as like a metal handcuff. And they slide on really easily to your wrists. If you like dainty little wrists like me and Ashley. And this is obviously good for men or women.

But it's just a fun way to incorporate a little bit of kink and spice into your sexual repertoire. So they're nice and soft. The silicone is so, so soft. And we did this dark, deep purple color. So it looks really chic. And it's just a fun thing to whip out on Friday night or a Monday morning, whatever. You want to get a little naughty. Yeah, and you can do whatever you want with these, except the warning label's crazy.

We'd do with a lawyer for all this stuff. You can't put them on your feet. Do not have them around children. They're not meant for your feet. But yeah, I mean, you could just have these on with your hands above your head, hands behind you, right behind your butt. And then you can also obviously put these around a bedpost if you have a bed like that. You know, which is I don't really have like a bed like post, you know what I mean? But obviously these two just go around the bedpost and you kind of be bound to the top of the bed, which is like a good way to do that.

but they're just kind of fun. They're sexy. Like, this is a good thing to buy for your partner, I think. It's a great gift, especially if, you know, they might be wanting to get into some kinkier stuff, but it's also a great thing to buy and then send a photo to your partner. Like, I remember the first time I sent a picture of these to spark a lot. He was like, whoa, what are we doing?

Yeah, that and a pair of panties on the bed? Yes. Love it. Yes. And if you're just the kind of person that maybe doesn't love the idea of never being able to get out of a handcuff that locks, you can slip out of it if you need to. So it makes you feel a little safer. with a newer partner and they are really soft.

So if you don't like the feeling of like metal on your wrist, the silicone is really nice and soft. As someone who's been arrested a bunch of times, like it is triggering for me. Yeah, totally. Maybe even a rest record. Yeah. It's too triggering.

Real handcuffs, like real police handcuffs are heavy, scary. Right. These are really nice and lightweight and they look chic. So check that out. That is a vibes only.com and our newest toy. Yes. So we released the original Lucy last year, Thanksgiving Eve, I believe, and we sold out of it.

So this is our Lucy 2. And what the Lucy is is that it's our bullet. Our most petite compact vibrator, you have your bullet, and then this is going to have the purple button, which I love. And it like when you have the bullet and then you turn on, like, glows purple, which I love so much. So, you know, you could put the bullet on your body. It's safe to do that. So that's one option.

But this is really meant to go with one of our silicone sleeves. And so we had two sleeves with the Lucy OG. And we did the finger sleeve again in a different color, this beautiful like purple color and this slips right on the bullet and your partner can use it and it's just kind of like they have a vibrating finger for you. You can use it yourself too, but we love this as a partner toy. And then two new sleeves. I'm showing if you're watching it on YouTube, but this is like a little bunny ears. That's going to like hit the clit, really soft, squishy and malleable. And that's going to just sit right on top of the bullet. It's a cutest thing ever. It's like a little bunny. I love it.

And the button is purple and the sleeves are all purple. Yes. Three shades of purple. And then just like a mini wand head. Just kind of have this. flat but yet still squishy but firm, darkest purple. It's just going to turn your bullet into like a mini wand, essentially. So you have three different vibes here, no pun intended. I've never seen anybody to do this before. It makes really like your vibrator is so versatile. So essentially you're buying four vibrators in one. Truly. I've never seen anybody to do this before. And again, the last one came with two sleeves. This comes with three sleeves. All new purple shades. So if you have the last one, this is going to be different for you. Yes. And it's just a really fun gift to give to somebody.

The packaging is beautiful. And if also you're just like, I want to spice up my sex life, let's try all three of these different vibes. Yes, these are so great to use the partner. And like you said, so great for gifts. So these are great for Bachelorette gifts. They're so fun. It's a really reasonably priced package. This is like our least expensive toy that we sell.

And you get four of five years and one. So it's like, what are we doing? We're just giving this shit away, basically. I feel like you robbed a bank. It's basically free for you guys. It's basically free. And we just, again, love the new color scheme. And so you guys are going to love the Lucy two.

All of our stuff, by the way, great as gifts. The packaging is really luxurious and high-end and discreet. So when you get the packaging in the mail, it just says VO companies. You don't have to worry about anybody like your dad or your cousin seeing it. Well, speaking to your dad, we had my dad do his first unboxing reaction video to the Lucy last year because as you guys may or may not know, the Lucy, I named it because it would be what I would name my daughter if I was going to have kids. So this really is one that's like my child. So we named it the Lucy. My dad reacted to it last Thanksgiving. People loved it on Instagram. And we did it this.

year with the Debbie. My dad is a fucking star, dude. I can't believe he didn't, like, plan those lines. I have no idea. And you know, you're like, when you have something that, like, you do once and people really love it, you're like, how can you recreate that magic? Didn't prep it all. He didn't see the toy. He was ready. He had his pocket knife. I was upset that I took the plastic wrap off of it because I would have to have him rip it open with his pocket knife. He sat there and I was like, how were we going to outdo last year? He is just a fucking probe. Looks like an ashtray. Looks like an ashtray. I was even funny because I can't I have no idea what he's going to say.

My brother's filming it. Try not to laugh. He said the shot back. I mean, I tee him up for some of these lines, but you guys have to go watch this. It's on my Instagram and I collabed it with vibes only. He's just such a pro. I mean, you never know what he's going to do. I know. And I'm like, he's drunk.

He's not going to come up with anything. No, he's funnier with age and alcohol. He was like last year he was like drinking swirling his wine. This was 10 a.m. Was he drinking? No. Like he was just first thing in the morning, just up and at him. One take.

Your dad's an icon. We got the shot. I love him so much. She really crushed it and I have to say, I have been using it. It's unbelievable. Ashley, I told you. Yeah, Ashley, it's, I have a problem. I know.

I was using one vibrator this morning and I stopped and walked across the room and got the Debbie. Yes. The hole is so big. It vacuums up. And I'll tell you what. You might be thinking like, well, what if I can't get my clit in the hole and how do I do it? It'll find it. Oh, it'll find your clip.

Sometimes I just like keep up in my belly button and it's just like, it's like a metal detector on the beach. It'll find it. It will gravitate towards your clip and it will suck it up. And then all of a sudden you're screaming. I like, I like hollered last time. Thank you.

I'm waiting for you to get it. I tell you I black out from the orgasm from that toy. It's outrageous. So as my dad would call it, the shop vac of vibrators, get your little Debbie. Oh, and then he was like, sometimes I eat a little Debbie.

He has one-liner. He's really funny and quick. I love him. He's our marketing plan. Speaking of family, so I did give a Debbie to my sister-in-law, the Thanksgiving. So I brought some toys home. I love that. And my brother and sister-in-law is staying in my mom's basement.

And my mom's redoing the basement. And the bedroom, there's three rooms kind of railroad style. There's doors on each side. But the bedroom's in the center of the three rooms. So my brother, Arlen, and Adrienne are staying in the middle room. So everybody's upstairs. My dad, my stepdad, my mom. And I'm like, this is a safe time to give my sister.

or a lot of the vibrator. So I go downstairs and I'm like, can I get this thing downstairs? So I have like the suck and blow gel for her in sugar cookie because she's a sweet tooth. And I give her the Debbie and she opens it up and she's like, this is so cool. This is whatever. So she's looking at it. And from one side of the room, my stepdad walks in. She has the vibrating and he's like, what is that?

What's going on here? I was like, it's one of our vibrators. Can you get the fuck out of here? Just get out of here. Nobody wants you here. So he like turns around and leaves the room. And then in the other door from the other side of the room, my dad comes in. and he's like, what are you guys doing here?

And Adrian's like, Brana just gave me a vibrator. I was like, the packaging looks so nice on that one. I was like, how did you guys get the fuck out of here, both of you? Leave. No one invited you here. My dad doesn't even live here. Why are you in the basement of a house you don't live in?

That is so insane. I can't, the scene is wild. There's two dads. There's like, you're just trying to give a vibrator way. Two dads come down. My dad doesn't live there. My parents made divorce for 35 years. Why are you in the basement?

Sniff it out. They have like a radar for like an awkward moment. It's so weird. That was really funny for me. Okay. One more new thing to tell you about that we have like some funny stuff. But we have a brand new vibes only website. Yes.

It is gorgeous. We have worked on this very hard. It is beautiful. But why do you care about it? I will tell you. It is a better shopping experience. I just love how the toys are all laid out. And there's even more information about every single thing on the site.

and what the packaging looks like and every function of it, there's a whole app page telling you how tos on how to use different functions in the app that we have, like the long distance function. And it is tremendously beautiful, really chic in hand. And we have a blog section now,

spearheaded by Tessa. Tessa, do you want to come over? Join us on the couch. You guys turn on YouTube. This is Tessa's first. I'm on the podcast. Yes. So welcome to Tessa.

You've heard her in the background for the last eight, nine months. This is a lot. We didn't feel like setting up the other camera, so Tessa is just like with us on the couch. No, we put her in the middle. I'll say she's like our daughter, which she's taller than me.

So Tessa has been with us almost a year now. Yeah. We met you. When was the holiday show in New York? I think the 15th of December. Okay, so we've known you for a year. Probably, yeah. My first interview was probably like almost exactly a year ago.

And you've done almost 40 live shows this year, and you're going to close out the year at the beacon with 3,000 people. producing that show. Yes, and we'll have a whole episode with you, of course. Yes, just want to gas you up a little bit. Yes, but that's so funny, yeah, about a year ago, we started interviewing. And what I love as a business owner and, like, a boss, I guess, of people, is that, like,

I love when you have something that, like, you don't deal with at all, and it, like, gets done, it gets done right. And that doesn't happen a lot. Rain and I touch everything about our business, but this blog specifically was, like, test is in charge, and I don't want to know about it until, like, it's ready to go. And Tessa goes, I have 80 articles ready to go. I was like, first of all, great. And second of all, how much money that costs us? Rana looked at me, why not? She goes, we got to stop the block. We have to stop. Tess is just spent, you can talk into the mic, Tessa.

So, and Ashley helped too, and we have someone else who works for us that does a great job. But like, you really spearheaded this. And this would be something that I would work on. I have, like, I'm more in charge of the content side. I had nothing to do with it. And it's done. It's incredible. and you did so great. So we want to hear you talk about it. Yeah, I'm excited. We have, I mean, it correlates very well with the podcast. It's just everything, sex dating, a lot of stuff specifically just for sex toys.

It's kind of a wide range of content. So we'll try to correlate things with the episodes that come out or if there's anything that you guys want to read about. You can send topics to create at vivesonly.com. And we can pitch some of the writers. Some of the ones I think that I'm excited for that we're launching with. It's like the ABCs of Sex Toys. how to deal with mismatch libidos and why is sexing a stranger so sexy?

I haven't read any of that. I'm not even one. You guys know if it's full of a bunch of crazy stuff. That's on Tessa. Like her and Ashley, too, like found incredible writers and you're a great writer as well and a great editor.

And so I want to have the experience that a reader new to the site is going to have. I can't wait to read about sexing a stranger. I don't know what's about to happen in that article. It's the least I've ever seen Ashley touch anything in our company. Truly. I mean, I like that, though. I like being able to have people, have people you trust to, like, take the reins on a project.

The dream, truly. I mean, there's things that I don't touch at all. You guys run the live shows. I just show up. I'm like, are we going to have strippers this show? You're like, no, you knew this. I'm like, I just come to the shows. But, no, I put my stamp on it, but really Tessa and actually run it. So Tessa really just did this. And so we'll see what happens on Monday. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited. We have great writers.

They had great ideas. All of these were pitched to me. So a lot of the audience had just great ideas and what they wanted to write about. And so I'm excited. People are really funny. Like the writing is really good. I'm really excited. Well, thanks to all those writers too.

And then so if you want to write for Vibes Only, also Creative Vives Only.com. Am I allowed to start taking more articles? Oh, right. You know what? Actually, let's circle back on that. When she said 80, I was like, actually, we should stop this. We just stop this now. We're just funneling money to Tessa.

We've no idea how much money. How much is this caused? It's fine. Tess is like embezzling from the company. Oh, my God. She's like, I'm 80. I was like, bitch, how many years is this going to last us? Anyway, guys, you can go to the site now and you will see a handful and then new content

every week. Yeah, and we'll let you know when we're looking for new writers. We're good for a couple months. You're going to email it out in the newsletter also, so it'll be in the vibes only.com newsletter. And then the Instagram, of course, also you'll post some stuff. Tessa, are you enjoying your job? How is the first year of your life here?

I love it. I mean, you know, I emailed for nine months in order to get the interview, so I'm very happy. Don't plan on leaving anytime soon, so I'm very excited. Raina, we'll talk. You're blowing your load. We'll do all this. We'll tell the whole story another time,

but I just want to stay on record how much you love to here. All right. Well, thank you. We approve. Thank you, Tessa. It's been a great year with you. Yeah.

Okay, so, you know, we've been having these, like, mini guests. Like, we talked about last week with your neighbor. He wants to cut. He's like, I feel like I provide a lot of value people really want me back on. And I was like, you could come on someday. So I was watching back to edit that Anna,

our wonderful editor was like, she'll put notes on the screen sometimes that, like, make me laugh. Like, she'll talk about cuts and edits that she makes and sometimes she'll make like notes about like funny stuff. And she like has a great sense humor as well. And how last week we were talking about like, it's a mini guest. It's a little, what if we called it something,

and she goes, would you call it a microdose guest? Because microdose was a partner last week. She goes, it's a guest microdose. I know. And I was like, that was an amazing. That was an amazing callback. So thank you to our microdose guest for today, Tessa. You were?

Yeah, great. Tessa and Anna are way quicker than I. I didn't know. Every one that works for us is incredible. Yes, truly. It's so smart and funny. That's the requirement. And everybody who's microdosing is, guess, it's been amazing.

I know. I don't like go to our YouTube page and read comments that frequently, but I read them this week. And it is just an avalanche of, oh, my God, your neighbor's so hot. Did you guys think I was just like talking about somebody ugly? Even he goes, have you seen your YouTube comments? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, everybody just being like, he's so hot.

And he was like, they're like surprised. And he's like, have you had like really bad taste and like ugly guys in the past? Like, people will trust you. Right. And I was like, no, I have great taste in how guys. look, I was like, you've seen our video guy. And I was like, I just pick like, bad taste in guys. But like, the way they look, absolutely.

I'm just, I'm firing on all cylinders. That energy can always be a little insulting of surprise. Like, it's when someone says your boyfriend's hot and they're surprised. Like, Ashley, he's hot. It's like, yeah. What about an ugly dog? I can't get a hot guy. Like, when people act too surprised that your man is hot, it's an insult.

It's really rude. I know. He's really hot, right? Yeah. I've been saying he's hot. He's the hot neighbor. Why do you think that's his fucking name? Okay?

I didn't say he's the tall neighbor or the smart neighbor. I said the hot neighbor. He's also tall and smart. He's wonderful, but I didn't like an... That's not the number one way I chose to identify him. Right, right. Of all the things. I picked hot.

If you haven't been calling him like tall Yale neighbor. No. My main hang. Like, I, that's, he's hot. So, um... You went to his house the other day. I did. Rina.

He finally me. Well, I don't think he's trying to sleep with me. I think he missed you, though. Like, well, I think he missed you when you went home for the holiday. Well, he did. Friday, it was really funny. I think he was like his good friend. You ever when I said?

I thought I was Ryan's best friend. Really good friends. I might be his best friend. If he had a dog, that would be his best friend. I asked Ryan if I was his best friend. Did he say yes? He danced around it. He's scared to say yes.

Okay. Anyways, my hot neighbor, he texted me on Friday and he was like, he said something about like, when are you coming back? And so I told him. And then Saturday, he was like, what time do you get back? And I told him. And then, like, he heard me walking around. He was like, welcome back. And then he was like, do you want to come over?

And I was like, my initial thought was, is he trying to rob me? What? But that's the only thing to want to hang out. You're a good hang. I was just like, is he trying to find out when I'm not in the house? Like, he's just asking me over and over again. When do you get back? What time do you get back?

Welcome back. Do you want to come over? Now that you're back, please leave the house. And then I remembered he'd... I was like, is he trying to rob me? He has the key to my house. He has the code of the lockbox. Yeah, he could rob me anytime you were...

Yeah, I think he actually would hang out with you. You've got to get your confidence up. That's insane. This hot guy was to hang out with you. You're like, is he trying to rob. Here for the taking for six months. He could have fucked me and he wanted to. I think he wants to rob me.

He saw you in action. It's ever since the podcast. Yeah. He came in the studio. You know, that's what people love, seeing someone do something they're passionate about that turned him on. Yeah, we'll see. All right. Well, anyway.

Okay. So for Thanksgiving, I went home to my family. My brother and sister-in-law came in from London. So that was, like, really fun. But I haven't, the first time I've seen you in like 11 or 12 days today. Yeah, I know how many times I said I miss you and you didn't say it back? What? I left you so many voice notes.

And I was like, I miss you so much. Okay. You were just like, okay, we can get that done. Oh, my God. You did not respond to it. I'm so sorry. Okay, so I have been missing me. I did miss you.

I feel so bad because sometimes like we don't work a lot. Like I felt really like stressed out. Like we, it's always like this. It's a third year in a row. Like it's just this is a busy time for us. We've a fucking retail company like shocker, like Black Friday, Cyber Money, like all of it. So and then I was just like I would be with my family or I'd be with Sparkleyes. And so you were sending voice notes that like I would just look at the transcription sometimes.

Yeah, me too. I'm doing that with you too. So then sometimes like I didn't hear you. hear the I miss you. So it didn't provoke me to say it back. I am sorry. There's been a bunch of times. You decided to go to Boston again this weekend. You're like, what am I going to do? I'm going to come back and do nothing this weekend. I was like, you're going to hang out with me. I'm here. In the history of our friendship, you've never gotten back from a long trip and be like, let's hang out. I would have to see each other so long. You get back and you're like, I have to lay outside and

read a book. Don't even front. Like, we would have ever hung out if I did come back. We don't really hang out them. So anyway, I miss you too. Just want to go on record and say it. Yeah, I went to Boston, actually, the weekend before and after Thanksgiving. Yeah. The second time was like unplanned. It was like spur of the moment.

Like, I was going to fly back to L.A. in a Saturday because I did not want to fly on that Sunday. Also, did you see that staff that it was the most traveled Sunday of all time in the U.S.? Yesterday was? Yeah, the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Wow. Was the most traveled, like TSA statistically in America and like, ever. Anyway, I don't like traveling on that day.

So I was going to come back. to L.A. It was Friday night. I was like, why don't I just go to Boston for the weekend? And my parents had something to do on Saturday. It just like made sense. And I flew back here on Monday morning. But the first weekend I was there, I did meet his parents. And they are wonderful. And I really, I knew what to expect. I mean, he's talked about them a lot. And it's interesting because people like ask, I've gotten some messages that like you're dating an Indian guy. You know, how does this work with this family? And I know every family is different. But they are not a family that cares, you know? Like they are.

are really open and they're, it's not a thing. It's not a thing. Yeah. Yeah. So they're not, like, we've, we've had friends that have not been accepted by their partners, family, or it took a really long time. And, you know, fortunately, that's just not what I'm experiencing with them. They were really, there's really great and open and accepting and they're not the type of, like, parents that put a bunch of pressure on their kids. And they just seemed really wonderful. And I, I knew that. And so they were great to me. We went out to brunch. Then we went back to their house. And I met their cute dog. And his mom. mom had like a look on. She had a heel on.

I brought you. Yes. She looked fly as hell. Yes. And his dad, he was like, my dad doesn't talk too much. I'm like, could have fooled me. His dad was like, chatty cat. Ashley says something about my dad too. Dad just liked to talk to Ashley. I do think they, yeah. So I just heard a lot about their family and like coming to the United States from India and just their whole story and just really liked them and had like a great time. I have like nothing but good things to say. I feel like that was the final piece though. You know what I mean? Like he spent a lot of time with your family. Yeah.

and his sister. So, like, that was the final piece of, like, what's this going to look like? Because, like, your relationship with somebody's family will make or break your relationship. You know? Like, I've seen plenty of relationships end because family doesn't like you. You don't like them. You're like, this is not going to be the rest of my life being saddled with these people. Yeah.

So I feel like it's like the final piece. Now you guys get married. He sent me a text after you guys left brunch. He said, like, nailed it or like she crashed or something. Yeah. He gave me the update. Yeah. I mean, we always love this, like, really funny, cute, fun group chat, the three of

us and he wanted to report to Raina like she did great. But I feel like we both really think our moms would get along. Like there's just something so special about seeing like two moms hit it off. Yeah. And so I just am excited for like that day when it comes. And when I went back the second weekend, it was just really, really chill. I think we watched like five movies. Like you texted me at 9 a.m.

You were in bed watching the Family Stone, which is, I think it's my favorite Christmas movie. Yeah. So I introduced him to the Family Stone and the holiday. He hadn't seen either. That's crazy. One morning he like made coffee and brought me. coffee in bed, which is my love language. Then we just like watch Trevor Wallace's special 9 a.m. I'm like, this is a little app of luxury. Like, I love a morning, like, viewing of something.

I just, I think you haven't really had a lot of, like, weekends in his city where you just do life. Yeah, and I like love his place. It felt like so cozy. He's so clean. He has great style, great taste, cute, cozy fireplace. He cooked me dinner one night. We went and got a Christmas tree. It was just perfect. I just, I kept saying, like, this is my favorite weekend of like all the things we've done. Like, Cabo, L.A., like, just this was so special to me. And, like, the Christmas vibes in the air and doing all this cute Christmas stuff and like watching a million fucking movies and laying in the couch and like having coffee in bed and like him cooking me dinner. It was just really special. I loved it.

I'm glad I went to do that. I am too and we are going to do this episode about long distance relationships because all of mine have been long distance and yours too. And I think that that is like a really important thing when you're in a long distance relationship that like not all your interactions are these great trips. That it is just like a let's stay in for the weekend and see do we like like each other day to day. It's like really important. Yeah. I love hanging out with them. It's great. Like, we watched the Eagles game on Sunday. Like, I just kept being like, this is my perfect weekend. We didn't do anything. So it's funny because he sent you a Thanksgiving, like, gift basket. Like a really cute, like cheese and meats. What? So he sent me this basket. I don't know what you're going to say. He sent me this like cheese, meat, wine basket. And I wanted to like send him a video saying thank you. And Ryan was over.

Ryan was living in his van outside my house for weeks. And I tried to look as slutty as possible when I'm around Ryan. So he was in his van for a couple hours. And I was reading a book outside in a bikini top and shorts. And like Ryan walked back in. I was like, oh, we're going to send them a video saying thank you. And like, I'm wearing a very low cut. Like, it just covered my nipples.

And I didn't really think about it because I'm just like, I'm just flirting with Ryan. I'm just trying to like make Ryan feel turned on. So I grab the Thanksgiving box and I'm like, I sent this video. me and Ryan talking and be saying thank you. And I hit send and then I like see it in the group chat. And it's just all titty. Like it's insane. Like I saw come through.

I was like, what is Raina doing? It's all tits. The four of us are on this group chat. It's me and Ryan and Sparkleyes and Ashley. And I see it go through. I see the lead photo. And I'm like, it's all tits. It is so much tits.

And then you weren't really responding. And I start to spiral out of control. And I was like, is she mad at me? Is it too much tits for the group chat? And then I was like, the sun was in my eyes, and Ryan was here, and I was trying to be sexy for Ryan. Well, it was just so funny. No, of course I don't care, but like, every time I went in to respond,

I had to see your tits fill the screen. Like, it's just like, I finally was like, I'm about to just type a bunch so they go up. Ashley goes, Sparkleyes can't look at this anymore. Let's put on YouTube. Let's do a screenshot of like, because, you know, you see the like preview. It's just, all right. The preview is just my chest.

If you would see it, you would be like that girl. is sending a sexed to her best friend's boyfriend. Yeah. It was so funny. But yes, he sent cute Thanksgiving baskets to my brother and stuff and my parents. Yeah. So, yeah, we had a little charcutory on Thanksgiving Day for like a lunch. Yeah, he's just like super thoughtful.

I felt like I should have sent him something. You can't keep up with him. He's too thoughtful, but I'll send a big thing for his parents for Christmas. You know, like I was like, I got you guys on Christmas. I've been busy. if I'm selling vibrators. I can't be, you know, like, just throw some money at the problem.

Just send them like a big thing, you know? It'll be great. I'm just like, I bought your parents this car. I don't know. They would be like, oh, I didn't know that she rolled like that. That is so crazy. I'm out of this car.

It's a whole thing. Yeah, like the Christmas car commercial. Carvana. Yeah, I'm like, I didn't know what to get them. So I just sent this car over. It's like the year that I forgot to get you a Christmas gift And I was about to go to your parents. I was like the next day.

And I knew that you had like got me something really thoughtful because you always do. And so I went to YSL and bought you a bag. And the woman in the store was like, you buy yourself a gift? And I was like, no, it's from my female business partner. And she was like, it was like a really good year. I love that bag. That was an amazing gift. It really was.

And it's so funny when you're on two different pages with somebody and like, I'm over here like, oh my God. Like she went so above and beyond. She spent so much more on me. And you're over here like, damn, I didn't do enough. She did something so thought. Come me like a beautiful painting that you have to do. But I didn't pay for that. So I ever tell you, he wouldn't have to charge me.

I'm looking at it right now across the room, my free painting. He's wonderful. He just refused. YSL did not refuse. That was like, you're going to pass a lot of money for this. That was not my experience at the store. I was about to Venmo me for that bag. You didn't pay for that painting?

Oh my gosh. That's so funny. All right. Is that it? That's it. That's enough. I did not think that story was going to come up about the boobs. That's funny.

I didn't know that's where you were going. Same wavelength. Okay, let's talk about orgasm. All right, guys, we are so excited to welcome back. A fabulous guest to the show. She is a licensed psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience in the sex therapy field. She has been featured on Girls Got to Eat and hundreds of articles in places like Harvard's Bazaar, Elora, Ober Magazine, and the New York Times.

Her weekly podcast, Pillow Talk, covers all. all things, sex and intimacy, as well as her website that boasts tons of tips and guides. I was just perusing it before this interview. It is so, so, so good. So it's her Instagram with half a million followers. And you can pick up her book, Sex Talks, the Five Conversations that will transform your love life. Please welcome back to the show, Vanessa Morin.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be back. Yay, I was so glad to have you. It was exactly two years ago. It was November. November 21st, 2021. Yeah. I came out to New York. You were in a totally different setup. It was great. I'm so excited to be back. That episode was so great. I just loved it so much. And I just feel like the main thing that sticks out was like the spanking.

I was funny because we had like, I think we were doing our show in Boston and we brought this guy up on stage and we were like going to have him like spankerina. And he was this huge hot guy. He had these long arms, whatever. And he was so bad at spanking. And I was like you didn't find him. your target. And ever since we've like had to kind of coach people on spanking, like when we do like jokingly things at shows and stuff. And I'm like, you got to find your target. And I think about you all the time. Well, that kind of arms were so big. He couldn't even find me. I know. He like knocked you over. He hit me on the side of my body. And I just, but how harded too. But I think about you. We talked about that. Like, yes, you're going to hit like a bone if you don't know where you're got to grab the right part of it. Yeah. So anyway. I'm so glad that's what I'm known for now. like the half-hearted spanking.

Maybe that'll be my next guide that I create. Guide to spanking. Guy just correctly spanking. Yeah. Your whole heart. Yeah. Like spank with your chest. Spank with your chest.

Yeah, do it from the gut. We talked about your book the last time and the conversations that will transform your love life. So check that episode out, you guys. It's really fantastic. We're talking about orgasms with you today. But we reference you, I feel like all the time. And you introduced us to the pelvic pain specialist as well,

Sonia Bologna. And we did a great episode with her as well. because you introduced us. So, yeah. So, okay, two years ago, anything, and we've, like, kept up with you on social media and whatnot. We actually just met your husband. He popped in, and then he's off to Airwant.

But anything new updates in your life you want to talk about? Well, the book became an instant New York Times bestseller, which was the most exciting thing for us. That was like a lifelong dream for me. Yeah. You think? A lot of hard work. It's a good dream.

So that was really amazing. Very, very excited about that. And then on a more personal note, because I know this is something that we connect over. We just finally kind of finalized the decision that we're going to be child-free. So Xander got a vasectomy about two months ago. I had chilled a little of my body.

Yeah, that's our like big personal mouth. Wait, why do I think we're really emotional? Because I thought you were going to say we decided to have kids. I did too. And it went the other direction and then the vasectomy. Oh, my God. We should have kept him around to talk about it. He would love to.

You could do a whole vasectomy episode because it was really interesting. Oh, we would love to. It was such an easy experience. And we've had so many of our friends asking him, but did it really hurt and how bad was it? My wife wanted me to do it, but I don't want to do it. And so many misconceptions. Like, somebody asked him if they take his balls off.

I was like, oh my God. Like it's a dog? Yeah. How badly do we misunderstand? It's a neutering that. It's a newtrient procedure. It's like a 20-minute procedure. Yeah.

I'm so glad that we're talking about this because my ex called me and told me he got one as well. And he said, I'm driving home. I just got a bisectomy. and I was like, what the fuck did you just say to me? You're driving home? And he was like, yeah, it was 15 minutes. It was local anesthesia and I drove home. Yeah, he said the worst part was the anesthesia.

He's like, you know, you're just seeing a needle and it's going in your genital region. It's a little scary. But after that, he didn't feel a thing. And it was, yeah, super easy. But just a really interesting experience to go through of, you know, we've thought that we aren't going to have kids for about the last 10 years or so and have always said, like, you know, we can keep talking about it. Like, we can change our minds at any point.

but to make that final decision, and I know if desectomies are reversible, so we still could change our minds, but to like make that decision to get that procedure just feels like a big milestone. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I love that.

I know you guys would appreciate it. We definitely do. I feel like someone just told me they were pregnant, but the opposite, and I'm so, I never get to be excited for people not having kids because, like, one of our friends told us she was pregnant recently, and I was crying, I was so excited for them, but like, I'm so excited for you to not have kids.

So we were talking about doing an episode about faking orgasms, and we were like, what about Vanessa? And then I DM'd you and I was like, do you have any thoughts about this? You were like, I have research. I was so excited. I'm ready. Call me up, coach. So put me in, coach.

So that's what we're going to talk about today is how common is this in men versus women. Men are like, what is faking orgasm? I have orgasm every time. And just potential reasons for faking it and how we can stop doing this. And I wrote on that outline, consequences of faking orgasms. So serious. But I feel like so many women have just grown up thinking that, like, sex is about a man's pleasure and them finishing. And it's not really about your, like, masturbating was about my pleasure and sex was about a man's pleasure for so many years.

And I think that narrative has changed. But so many people are so deep into faking orgasms for so many years that it's like, how do I get out of this? Yeah. And I was one of those people. It really is. I mean, you feel like you get very stuck. doing it. And especially if you've been with a partner that you've been doing it for a while, it's very easy to feel like I've worked myself into this corner and I don't know how to back

out of it at this point. Yes. And they think they're doing what I want. So how do I go back from that? It's a tough cycle to break out of it. I mean, we've had people in our community when we've talked about this. People have said, I've been faking for 10, 15, 20 years. And like, what do I do? I'm married to this person now and he thinks like, this is how my body works and this is what I like. How am I supposed to rewind 20 years of that experience and say, like, I changed my mind. Sike. I just want to say up top, just so that if we reference your husband, Zander, you are in business with him. And he is like the co-author of the website and Instagram and everything.

Yeah. Business partner. So our whole shtick is that I'm the sex therapist and he's my regular dude husband. I just wanted to like clarify for everybody. Yeah. He started working with me back in 2016 and originally was doing all the back end like operational stuff of the business. and I kept having this feeling that it would be so valuable for us to be able to talk about sex and relationships as a real couple. And he was very self-conscious of it at the time, like, I don't have all the training that you do.

I didn't go to grad school. I'm not licensed. I was like, yeah, but I think that's the point. Like I can give all the expert advice, but I think people really want to hear from somebody who's just in the relationship too. And I think having a male and a female, even though we try to appeal to really be inclusive, in our content. I think like being able to have both sides of a relationship helps normalize it, makes people feel more comfortable, makes men feel more comfortable. So it's been really beneficial to have him be a part of the journey. Okay, great. Great. Okay. Well, where should we start?

How common it is to fake an orgasm? Yeah. Let's get some stats. Yeah. Okay. So we have pulled our audience about this a bunch of times. I'll give you one that we did most recently. We had about 40,000 people respond. So this is a lot of people. Awesome. We asked women, have you ever faked an orgasm, just Ever. 74% said yes. So we did a couple of the same polls. We got 82%. Ooh, interesting. When I saw that 74% I was like, liars. I know. Yeah. I was surprised it wasn't 100%. Yeah. And interestingly, if you think about it too, like both sets of our audiences are pretty sex positive people. Like they've at least, you know, they're like, I want to follow this account and learn more. So I think that number, you know, in the general population is even higher than that. Yeah. Okay. And I don't know if you have a.

stat like this. I probably should look this up ahead of time, but like men get to completion during a sexual act X amount of percent of times versus women. What, 91 percent? It's like 91. And women are like, what, 38 percent? We just posted this on our vibes only Instagram with some stats. We did this funny kind of TikTok real thing that I acted out or whatever. But the caption was a lot of stats. And it was funny because I think it did say like 91% of the time men orgasm and our friend Bobby commented under it. He goes, seems a little low to be honest. No, it's just a funny comment from a guy being like, oh, it's not 99.999.99. We did that same poll, and we got 93% of men said that they always are almost always orgasm.

And only 29% of women said that they always are almost orgasm. Yeah, yeah. An astonishing gap. That's a huge, huge gap. And there's other studies as well that have shown the gap to be more like around 30% meant to me. That felt really high. I think they were referencing about 91% of men and around 61, 62% of women. I think it's really normal. And Ashley and I have all the tools and I have all the tools to say to somebody.

We have an ocean of sex toys. But I have all the verbiage to say to somebody, I don't like this or please do it this way. And I still fake it. Like the last person that I was like sleeping with, I faked it most of the time. I didn't seem as a long-term partner. So I was like, this is not a project I'm going to tackle. But even I was like, I'm just, I'm not going to get there. You know?

So I think that it's normal and Ashley and I have every tool on the planet. So even us, you know, sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm a sex therapist and I knew I wanted to be a sex therapist from about age 12. And I started faking orgasms like immediately once I became sexually active. And nobody ever told me directly like you should fake it or like this is what's expected of you.

But it was just so ingrained in me that like we're supposed to have orgasms. It's supposed to be from penetration alone. that even at a young age of starting to like fool around with my boyfriend, like I just knew that that's what I was supposed to do. And that was a huge source of insecurity for me too, especially as I got older and really was getting serious in this career and starting to do research and internships. Like this huge imposter syndrome came up for me.

If like how am I wanting to pursue this as a career and yet I'm still faking it in my personal life? Totally. I mean, you guys watch porn starting from the edge of 12. Those women were out of the time of their lives. And I was like, this is not my experience. But it should be. Yeah. You know, for me, I learned how to have an orgasm on my own at a pretty young age.

So it wasn't an issue for me of like I've never had one. Like, you know, I just feel like I have to fake it. Like, I knew what my body needed to get there. It was pretty simple. It wasn't actually that difficult. It didn't take that much time. But I felt so insecure, like asking for what I wanted. And I think in particular, what really got me was the emphasis on intercourse,

on feeling like I'm supposed to orgasm just from penetrational. alone. That's not how my body works. That's not how the vast majority of women's bodies work. But it was so ingrained in me that it was supposed to be that way, that that blocked me from, hey, I know a very easy and simple way to actually get myself off. Isn't it crazy that like, it's the exact opposite of what you're taught? When you actually come from just penetration, you're like, guess what happened last night? Guess what? Remember when I was like, oh my God, Raina, I came from missionary. Like, when you come from missionaries. You come from mission. It's like who, where are the trophies?

Where is the parade? Are they going to name a day after me? Am I going to get a month? It's the exact opposite. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's when you actually realize it. Your life begins, really.

Because it's the opposite of what we thought. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you're like, no, that's actually the most rare way to fucking do it. Totally. I mean, I would have orgasms. I was 100% success rate on my own, but I was just rubbing my own clit. And I always say on the show that I thought it was like a trick that I invented and that no one knew

knew about it. again, I'd watch porn and these women were just bouncing up and down on this dick, having the time of their lives. And I was like, that doesn't feel good to me. And you're right, you could just explain to somebody very simply, just go in a circle and rub this little bean. And I couldn't tell anybody that for so long. So, I mean, we want to talk about, you know, broadly and speak to our audience, but I'm so curious about your story. Like, did something change? Was it a partner? Like, would you say was you just started asking for what you wanted? Yeah, there was one very specific experience that really got me. So the imposter syndrome was really building and building over time.

And I was getting to this point where, you know, the shame was just getting so great. And I was getting so frustrated and just didn't know what to do. And I also at that point, like, it actually, despite pursuing a career in this field, it took me years to learn that women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. And despite the fact that that's what I was doing on my own, you know, it still took me so long to learn, oh, this is not how our bodies work. We're not wired to have orgasms just from penetration alone. We can talk about that more too because that's so important. But it took me a very long time to learn this. And so the experience that I finally had, it was in college. I was hooking up with a guy. I was really into him and it was like finally happening. I was so excited. He was kind of your

classic like bad boy type. I was so excited about it. And so he was fingering me. And so it actually could have worked, but he was not doing the way that I wanted it to. It wasn't working for me. And so I faked an orgasm and he said, I can play you like a fiddle. Like he was so proud of himself for making me orgasm and just like this look on his face and they're like, I can play you like a fiddle.

It grossed me out so much. And I was like, never again. I'm never again doing this. Like this man is so proud of himself for giving me a fake experience. I'm not doing this anymore. And that was the last time that I ever faked an orgasm. What an incredible catalyst. I mean, it was gross.

I was like, I can't do this anymore. I can't let people think. I mean, I really realized in that moment, like, I'm letting him think that he's done such a good job. I'm rewarding him. And tell people, I am a killer at this. Yeah. New Ick unlocked.

Yeah. When you fake an orgasm and he thinks he did a good job. No, but wow. Okay. Great. Yeah. So I decided at that point, I'm not doing it anymore. And yeah, there was a little while where

I just didn't fake it. I wasn't having orgasms, but I just wasn't faking it. And that was actually when we pulled our audience, that was way more common than I realized. Actually, 22% of women said I don't fake orgasms, but I don't have them regularly. So that would be more my experience, I would say, was I wasn't faking them.

Because I was enjoying the experience. I just wasn't, I didn't express to somebody that I had an orgasm. It just sort of ended, the man came, and that was the end of the experience. That's probably more of my experience. Yeah. So for me at that point, then it was like a little while of doing that

and then that kind of helped me work up the courage to finally just start asking for what I wanted and needed and I realized like, oh, this actually isn't that hard to just ask and my partners were happy to do it when I just asked. So it was actually frustrating for me how easy it was to start having real orgasms with a partner because I was like, why did I fake this for so many years?

Yes. You don't know until you know. You know, like I wish I would have got laser hair removal on my vagina years ago, but here we are and you just can't dwell on the past. You can't blame on your seat. Can't blame yourself. Can't blame yourself.

So we just want to talk about some of the reasons. The most prevalent reason is probably the one that resonates with everybody. Just like I don't know how to ask for it. Okay. So that's interesting because I thought that that was going to be the most common response that we got. We did a poll about this, and this was one of the most responded to polls that we ever have done on our Instagram account. So actually the most common reason that we got for why women fake is,

I just want sex to be over. Right. I wanted to end was one of our most common responses as well. Just want it to be over. I just wanted to be over. I just want it to be over. Okay. Yeah.

I take it back. That feels like maybe I did that a lot more with people when they weren't like my partner. Yeah. Like I just, I had a lot of sex when I was like especially in my 20s like one night stands or someone that was like casually with like I don't find myself in situations where I want it to be over with my partner who I'm like very much in love with.

If we started having sex it meant we both wanted to. Yeah. I don't know. But yes, absolutely. I totally did that so much. I'm the last person I'm ready to end this. Yeah, I'm done with this. I think there can be shades of that too.

Unfortunately for a lot of people, it is like, I didn't really ever like won't even start this to begin with. Totally. This hasn't been fun the entire time. And it can go all the way up to like this was great. I had fun. But like now I'm done and I'm ready for sex to be over. And we just don't know, like we're so ingrained that the orgasm means the end of sex

that we don't know how to end sex otherwise. So you often get yourself into this position. where you're like, okay, I'm done, but like, I don't, okay, let me just pretend then. That's so true, yeah. We don't know how to end sex other than it being an orgasm. You tell them, I just want you to come, and then they come. Yeah, I just started saying crazy stuff. Yeah, to get them to come, and that's how you also end it.

I'm like, hop behind me, I'm going to say some crazy things and you're going to finish. I think that people are in long-term relationships. They don't want to let their partner down. Like, if you're married, you kids, you have this huge to-do list, and you're like, I don't want to say no, but like, I'd like to stand as quickly as possible. So I'm just going to say some crazy stuff and think it. Yeah. Yeah.

So then our second most common response was I feel like my orgasm is too complicated or it takes too much time, too much effort, like the general too much kind of vibe is the second. And then the third one was to please my partner or to make my partner feel better. So really all about hyping up your partner, their ego, making them feel good about it. And then we kind of rounded out the top five with just I don't orgasm from intercourse period. And then I've never had an orgasm or I can't orgasm with another person. Okay. What did you guys get?

So other stuff we got, I know I won't be able to finish. I feel like I'm taking too long. So that's like your second one. I know that my orgasm is more complicated. Yes. So I'd rather just move on from it, which like, how sad is that that somebody's like, let's prioritize your pleasure? And I want my partner to feel good.

Those are our top three. Absolutely. But men can have fragile egos so you don't want to brew somebody else's ego. I was running late for Soul Cycle. I was sore. I wanted my husband to come and I was just really sore, which I mean, we always say use Lou. I don't want to add more pressure to.

a sexual experience. So much of this to me is just prioritizing somebody else's comfortability and totally negating your own. But then I think, you know, we talked about this, Ray and I've discussed this before. It's not the most negative thing in the world all the time. You know what I mean? Like I think I don't want to overcorrect with like, never fake an orgasm, ladies. Like, yeah, I do think you should always prioritize your pleasure. But I think there's this like occasional time where you're like, I just knew it wasn't going to happen. He was doing such a great job. And I really was so close. But the moment passed me by. And I just felt like having a performance.

Like, I don't know. Like, again, I just, I don't want to, if that happens from time to time, and they have a great healthy sex life to feel like they're being shamed. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? One of my favorite sex positions is in the morning when you wake up, somebody's behind you, and they like slide in. I like having sex like that.

It's lazy. It's fun. It's like dirty. I'm never going to come in that position, but I like it. So like, I enjoy the experience. I just, I know I'm not going to, but I'll masturbate to it later. It's like type two fun for me. So I totally agree with you.

I don't want to shame anyone. Like I did this for so many years. I get all of the complicated reasons and all the different scenarios that can come up. And I don't take a black and white view about it either. Like, you know, the world isn't going to come crashing down if you fake it every once in a while. It's okay.

But I do think there is something to be said about us learning how to say, I'm done. Yes, yes, yes. I'm satisfied. I'm happy. I've had a good time and I'm ready for us to wrap things up now. You know, it's like the worst, though, if you feel like you have been, like, moaning genuinely. Like, you've been, like, almost there.

You're like, he's killing it. I'm, like, doing all the things. I'm doing all the dirty talk. And then you're going to be like, God damn it. I'm just kidding. This is over. Like, almost like, I don't know. Well, this is one of the interesting things about orgasm.

Like, I love orgasms. I think they're incredible. I love having them. But also at the same time, like, an orgasm lasts for two to 20 seconds. whereas you can experience pleasure and connection and enjoyment like the entire time or hours. So when we get hyper fixated on the orgasm, like in those moments where you're like, everything was going so well, but I like just can't get over the finish line. We're so fixated on orgasms that it makes us feel like the rest of it was bad or a failure in some way.

And that's why we have to fake it to like, you know, make up for it. But I think if we actually take some of the pressure off of orgasm and realize like we can have that pleasure and satisfaction and connection all throughout. And I think that's the best thing to communicate to your partner in those moments. Like I'm feeling so good. Like I want you to come now. I think that's a really simple way to bring things to a close but without having to fake an orgasm. That is a great way.

And we also like to give people like the language too. That can be a great thing to say. Yeah. I think we did talk about this on the podcast and it was spurred by a clip that I think we were just talking about Shan. You did her podcast. And it was her and a male guest of like even if both people didn't orgasm, one person didn't orgasm, it doesn't mean it's bad.

sex. That has to be like the reframing. Absolutely. That if there was no orgasms, like it wasn't worthwhile or it wasn't good. Yeah, I think pleasure needs to be the indicator of the experience. Like, did we feel good? Or fun. Yeah. Did we have fun? Did we enjoy it? Not like, did we have those few seconds of glory at the very end of the experience? And also, I think it's worth noting too, like more and more men are having issues with orgasming these days too. So it's becoming a bigger issue than just us women. So again, let's enjoy the orgasm, let's work towards them. Let's give ourselves the time and the space to have them.

But also it's not the entirety of the experience. Totally. And I think for people that really, really struggle to orgasm from penetrative sex, it's important to give that language of like, I still enjoyed the experience. I have a girlfriend in particular, and she really has trouble orgasming. She almost can never do it from penetrative sex. And she brings toys into the bedroom.

But she said to me, I was so surprised, said it's been a problem in every single relationship of mine. And I've never been able to articulate that, like, I enjoyed it. I just don't really come from sex. And I think it's a problem because your partner thinks like you're not enjoying it. They're not doing the right thing. But like, some people really just can't get there. And I'm like proud of her that she was like, well, let's use toys and that will get me there. This is not a shot at you that you can't get me there. It's just, this is not the feeling that gets me there. Yeah. So what's really important for women to realize is that our bodies are just not designed to feel a ton of pleasure from intercourse.

So for our bodies, the clitoris is the center of the universe when it comes to pleasure. And if you just think about it logistically, like when you're having intercourse, of course it depends on the position. But in general, you're not getting very much clitoral stimulation. You're getting all the stimulation in your vagina, which actually doesn't have very many nerve endings in it. I mean, like, think about how painful people say childbirth is. You know, if we had even more nerve endings in our vagina, it would be, brutal, right? Right. That's why they put them on the outside.

I've gone looking for like... Here we are again. That's why they, like it's a car. Okay. That's why they built it that way? That's why they're on the outside? Okay, it all makes sense. So there's what? There's like millions of nerve endings in your clay. There's like eight to nine thousand nerve endings in the clitoris. Compare that to two to three thousand in the penis. But I've actually gone looking for a proper scientific tally of how many nerve endings are in the vagina and I can't find one. Okay.

There are not. There are not that many. Jokes on you. Shout to the ladies who want kids though. We're getting stimulation of a part of our body that just is not wired to feel a ton of pleasure. When I realized I could get on top and hit my own clit, I was like, this is a whole new level of it's unlocked.

That's crazy. Life begins. I always like to make this funny comparison that, like, from a nerve ending standpoint, intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's balls. Like it might feel good. It might be fun. But for the vast majority of men, it's not going to be anywhere near the level of stimulation needed to reach an orgasm.

So like we could imagine some alternate universe where intercourse is actually a man rubbing his balls on a woman's clit. Like we're getting the stimulation that we need on the most sensitive part of our body. He's getting some stimulation on a part of his body that might feel okay. like would we make men feel bad for like, oh, why aren't you orgas? That is a tough metaphor to swallow, especially as like a man who really cares about your pleasure hearing that is like, what the fuck? I feel like on the emoji with the head exploding right now.

That is crazy. Rain and I have had various experiences, but I would say like more often than not I'm with the partner who doesn't care that much about his balls. They're like, fine. Yeah, they're fine. Sure. So, yeah, I feel like telling a man, like, when you're not. you fuck me, it's the same as me playing with your balls. They're like, what?

If I can take the tears. They're upset. This is what drives me nuts too about the way that you see female orgasm talked about in women's magazines and articles online too. There's always stuff about like, you know, oh, how to have the vaginal orgasm and the cervical orgasm and stuff like that. And we don't talk about this with men. Like, there's no maxim articles or like, here's how to have your ball orgasm tonight or you're like, you know, your taint orgasm. Like, we don't make different kinds of.

of orgasms. It just, we assume like, okay, you're a man, penis, that's the place where I got to stimulate. Got it. It's like so simple and straightforward. But we don't give women that same courtesy. And then we make women feel bad on top of that for like, oh, honey, your orgasm is so complicated. And it takes so much time. And it's just, it's just so much harder. It's not. It's not. You're just not touching the right part. I know. I mean, I feel like we talked about how so much as like mental too, you know, and just I personally, I feel like that plays a large part. That's why like the dirty talk and all that stuff. Like I feel like I could come just from dirty talk alone or just like being so in love with your partner or like the way that they're throwing you

around or they're fucking you or whatever it is. But I think that's like a large part of it too, don't you think, like of why you would get there? Yeah. I mean, the mental aspect of it is really big for so many women. And I do think that's because we just don't understand the truth about how our body's work and we do feel like, you know, it's so much more complicated and it's so much more difficult. So I think a lot of women like undoubtedly some of those things can really be helpful. It can fund a dirty talk and have different kinds of stimulation and turn our brains off and be able to be like really present in the moment. And I think the majority of it is just like not understanding what we need physically too. Yeah. And I think that for me it was, well, I understood it

when I was alone, but not necessarily maybe having the confidence to give it to myself. So I think that women are so much in their heads about like, what does my body look like? Is this person enjoying something? So maybe I was a little more hesitant to like hop on top and let somebody just have the whole view of everything when I was younger. I certainly wouldn't have been like touching my own clip during sex because I was like, that's what porn starts through. That's crazy. Like I wouldn't have done that. But now I'm like so happy to like be on top touching myself. You want to throw a toy in there. Great. Let's do that too. But I think that a lot of people are like, you said 10 years into a relationship, 20 years and they're like, my partner doesn't see me like that. My partner could

Never watch me touch myself like that or use a toy. And it's like, just try. Just suggest it. I don't think it's so easy. I don't think everybody is just like reaching into their drawer and pulling out a dildo. Like, watch me. Watch me do this. But I think that there are baby steps to it that you can take.

Just touch yourself once when you're on top of somebody. And it doesn't matter if somebody's like, he sees me as the mother of his children. And it's like, yeah, you could do that and also masturbate why you have sex with somebody. He'll see you with that too. I think mutual masturbation is one of the most underrated sexual acts. And you can actually make your partner go first. Tell your partner like, I want to see what you do when you touch yourself. You know, make them go first.

Like they're going to think that's really sexy. You're talking dirty to them a little bit. It feels really confident to do. So you have them go first. And then it gives you a little bit of confidence for like you to try it out on yourself. But we've asked men about this because so many women have said that like, oh, I don't want to touch myself. I feel so self-conscious. And again, it goes back to the like, would we make a man feel bad for touching his penis or wanting his penis touch?

Like, no, obviously not. But we've asked a lot of men anyways, like, what would you think if your partner was touching herself? They overwhelmingly are like, it's incredibly hot. I want to watch this. Yeah, 100's awesome. Yeah. I also like, not everybody drinks, but alcohol could be a little helpful here. I just feel like those loose nights, like when you're just like really have that going on, like not drunk, but I feel like I usually start that stuff after like a night when we've been out a little bit. This sounds like one of the like audios for the app now, like Ashley's loose night.

Yeah. And I know it's not everybody's story, but I just, even with my partner now, like the first time we brought out a vibrator, I want to validate that it's not so easy even as someone knows it's a sex toy company. Yeah. You know, like there was one charging the first night we ever hooked up, whatever, we didn't use it, but it was like, it's in the room. You know, he knows that's a part of my life. But I just want to tell people that are like, I could never. It's like, it's not that it's so easy for anybody, you know, even if you have a top level of comfort with somebody. Like, it can take a minute to warm. I mean, I talk openly about the fact, like, I've been doing this as a career for so long. I've been with my husband Zander for 16 years now. And there are times during sex where I want to ask for something and I still, to this day, find myself feeling a little bit embarrassed or shy or nervous. So it's like we're dealing with years and decades of socialization that has taught us not to speak up and that we are too complicated and we're asking for too much. So that socialization doesn't just go away. So like it's okay if you're feeling nervous. Your palms are sweating right now.

You're like, I don't know how I could do this. So let yourself feel that. It's okay. And try to push yourself a little bit more about like having these partners like 10 years. I think they're DJing it the right way and they're just killing it. And you're just like, I don't know to tell you this. You're not doing it right. So like what advice would you have? Because obviously you don't want to tell somebody you've been doing the wrong thing for all these years. So like do you have like better advice for how to just like pivot a little bit? Okay. I'm going to give you guys two options. I'm going to start with the hard one. This one's way harder to do it first, but you're going to have faster results from it. So option number one is to come clean to your

partner and have a conversation with them where you do admit to faking it. I know that's going to freak people out just hearing that right now. So hear me out for a minute. But I think what's important to recognize is that you started faking orgasms for really good reasons. Like you felt like that was the easiest thing to do. You wanted it to seem like, oh, we're connecting so much. And we're compatible and I'm super easy. I don't take a lot of time or effort or energy. Like nobody starts faking orgasm to mess with their partner down the road. It's not like you're like, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to start faking them now. And in 20 years, I'm going to tell them, guess what, fucker? Like I've been faking the whole time. Like nobody does it from

bad reasons. So I think you can have a conversation with your partner where you say like, hey, I need to talk to you about something. This is really hard for me to acknowledge, but I want you to know that like I have been faking orgasms and tell them the reasons. Like I felt pressure from a young age. I've done this my whole life. I felt like something was wrong with me. I've never had an orgasm, whatever it is. So your partner is going to have some feelings. Like you're admitting something to them. It is going to be tough. Like you're going to have to sit with those feelings. But really being able to reassure your partner like, I didn't do this to be mean to you or to mess with you. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. Like this is on me. So again, this is going to be a tough conversation. But then

you've got a clean slate from there. And you can say, hey, I really want us to have a sex life where we're both being authentic and real with each other and having a good experience. So you can start fresh and start from there. So if you had a heart attack listening to that and you're like, Vanessa, you've lost your mind. There's no way I'm having that conversation. That's where the second option comes in, which is like, it's a lot easier to do, but it is going to take longer to notice any sort of difference from it. So you can tell your partner, hey, I've been noticing lately, even when I'm on my own, that my body just isn't responding to the things that it used to respond to.

And this is a great thing to say to your partner, because it is true. Like, our bodies change. The things that we liked 10 years ago, 20 years ago, we may not like so much anymore these days. And especially if you've gone through, like, pregnancy, if you're going through menopause or premenopause, anything like that. Like, bodies just change. So it's not a lie to say something like that.

So you can tell your partner, like, and I like saying even on my own, because I think that, like, makes it feel a little bit soft. Absolutely, and we all evolve. I used to like to read porn. Now I like to watch porn. I never liked an air pulse type vibrator at all. I was like, it's too much. Now I love it. It's my favorite thing in the world. So our bodies do evolve. Yeah, absolutely. And so these are conversations that we should be having with our partners and giving the space for things to change. But yeah, if you tell your partner, like, I've been noticing that it's, yeah, it's just not feeling the same lately. And so I would love for us to explore different techniques that we can try out together.

And like, I want to try some new stuff on you. I want you to try some new stuff on me. So you introduce this element of just like being more playful and experimental in the bedroom and include your partner too. So let's say you're giving him a hand job. Like try two different ways of moving your hand and be like, do you like it better when I do this one or when I do this one? And then have him flip it around and, you know, he tries it out on you. So it's the same, you're still introducing the idea of like trying new things, but you're not coming clean with the full truth. I think there's maybe also somewhere in between that might resonate with people. The first one did take my breath away and it depends on the delivery. But the like, I've been

faking orgasms our entire relationship could be damaging. You know what I mean? Your partner's going to have feelings. Yeah, like that could really feel like even if they're the most understanding person in the world, they are feeling like they have not been able to please you. They feel like you both have been living a lie. Even if they're not calling you a liar, like I think it could be hard to move past. But I also, to your point, you're like, you start fresh.

You start from square one. But I don't know. I think everybody has to think about what type of partner they have and how they would digest this information. But it's like it hurts me to think of even telling someone I love that. know what I mean. So I feel like there is like a middle ground or like a softening of I've been faking every orgasm for 10 years feels like, holy shit. You know, we should have done this in front of a therapist. Right. Yeah. That's definitely a good option for sure. I think about it in the reverse of

somebody saying it to me. I would be like, what are you as a person to have just like withheld this from me? And what do you think about me? Do you think I can't handle this? You think I can't be better? I can't change. And just all these things are exploding that probably most of it isn't even true. Yeah, I mean, that's why I think if you are going to go that route, I think it's really important to focus on yourself. I made the decision. You know, this is how I was feeling. Led you to believe this. Yeah. You know, this is what was coming up for me. And yeah, it is like, it's not the right fit for everybody for sure and not the right fit for every relationship. But I do think there is something powerful about honesty and about sharing that. But yeah, for most people,

I think they're going to want to go to the second option. I still think you get there. Like, you don't need to offer that much explanation. It's like, you know, I love you and I love having sex with you. But for some reason, I feel like I'd like to try some other things to give me some pleasure. You know, feel a little different down there, you know. We also have, like, one of our best-selling guide that we have is called our ultimate foreplay guides where we really have, like, tons and tons of different techniques, and they're illustrated and super fun. I've got to give you guys a copy so you can check them out. But doing something like that, where you buy that, and you're like, hey, I found something fun for us on the internet today. Like, you don't even have to talk about

orgasm. It's just like, let's try out these techniques with each other. And then you give your partner real feedback when you're trying that out. And what a fun activity. Yes. Fun homework. Right. Your website, by the way, is so great.

I was perusing it a little bit more today. And she just has great tips and guides. But like, yeah, for our activity night, instead of going out to dinner, we just get to go home and I'll run through the list of dick-sucking techniques.

You tell me what feels good. How fun is that? Yeah. It's a very good date night. Yeah. I love the idea of that. And I do think it's a little scary to tell somebody like,

oh, by the last three years we're alive. But like, I just changed my mind in something new feels good or I want to try something that feels good that's different is so much easier to me. Again, if you involve your partner in it too, like, I want to try some new things on you. On you as well. I've found some tricks that I want to try on you.

And like, you're going to, you know, you're going to explore and discover new things about your partner too. So it just makes the whole process feel so much more fun and exciting. Yeah. And if they push back on option two, then you hit him with the, well, guess what? I've been faking it for 10 years, motherfucker. Right.

You don't want to burn your Trump card, but the first, right? You just, you keep that in the back pocket. And you're like, well, I've been thinking orgasm for years. And then the marriage is over. Yes. And then they look at you and they're like, that's stupid of you. Okay, I don't feel stupid. You're stupid.

I wanted to touch on men a little bit just because we sit here and joke, men come every time. And it's not the truth. And we want to focus on women's bodies in this episode. That's more what our podcast is about. But like, I just don't want any, A, men listening or be women who have partners. If we're talking about straight relationships or male-on-male relationships, but that have relationships where the man is not always coming and that's a problem in the relationship.

Yeah, like I was saying, this is something that's becoming more and more common these days that men are struggling with it as well. So I think it actually opens up a really great opportunity for couples to just have an honest conversation about it and to realize, like, yeah, orgasm isn't necessarily like a super easy thing for everybody or in every season of life.

Like one of the main causes for difficulty orgasming is being on antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, you know? So there's just like a great opportunity to have a conversation and say like, okay, what can we do together to make sure that sex feels fun and intimate and connecting and enjoyable for both of us, like regardless of what's going on with orgasm. Yeah, I just want to acknowledge that because I don't, I feel like that can feel isolating. We're like, every man comes every time and there's guys and then their female partners who are like not over here. Yeah, we really, we oversimplify male sexuality. We're just like, oh, men, they're always horny. They always want to. They always come.

And then we make female sexuality way more complicated. And it's like, you know, we're both somewhere in the middle. Like, men are much more complex and we give them credit for when it comes to orgasm, when it comes to desire. Like, we actually talk a lot about men's desire. We found in our audience that in male-female relationships, in 45%, the woman is actually the one who has a higher sex drive. But people never talk about that. We always think, like, the guy is supposed to be the one who, who always wants it and definitely wants it more than her.

So it's, yeah, just another way that we make men seem like they're just so simple. Well, we come across this a lot and we've had Dr. Ian Kerner on a couple times to talk about that topic because that makes women feel bad when you're feeling like your partner doesn't want to fuck you all day, every day, spontaneously all the time. Yeah. So, like, the narrative hurts everybody. It does. Yeah.

I mean, you see so many, like, reels on Instagram. I just saw one the other day that, like, the one was like, things I do that turns my husband on. And then she's like, breathing, walking, taking a sip of water. You have been together for four months. Spontaneous desire face. Yeah. And then we hear from people in our community of like, God, it makes me feel like something is so wrong with me or our relationship that my husband isn't, you know, jumping on me

because I'm, you know, breathing sexy or not like that. Yeah. You're not related to that. So I want to talk about if you're a person who has found your orgasm. on your own. Like, let's say with a vibrator, you know, your hands, like, but you still are, like, not quite able to get there with a partner. Like, you know it's, you're clitoris, for example, most likely. Or maybe you're doing something that's like our Alice in Wonderland, it's penetrative and it's clitoral stimulation as well, but you're like, how do I translate this into a human?

And I'll start by kind of saying, like, one thing is like, if you're using a vibrator all the time, I recommend taking a break and using your own hands too. And that's something that like I feel like I've done it recently. And this is from people that want nothing more than to sell you sex toys. So like I just want to be honest about it. Like you should have it all and you should do it all. But I think like for me, I had to realize that like this is what I like with a hand from myself. That now it's something that like my partner does a lot. And this is like the most I've done that in this relationship. And he goes down to me too and we have like great sex and all that stuff too, but it was like, here I am 40 years old, and I feel like this was only as of late

that I kind of had to like figure it out manual. You have to switch up the type of pleasure that you're getting. There's no such thing as vibrator addiction, but like, we have a video in our app for me and Kerners, these are his words, but there's no such thing as vibrate or addiction, but like you can get addiction to a certain level of stimulation and it's important to just switch that up. Yeah, like addiction is a strong word, but like a custom to it. Reliant on it.

Yeah. Like I don't, I watch porn one out of every 10 times I masturbate or I read, so. I'm used to that kind of stimulation some of the time. I use my imagination most of the time. I use a toy pretty much all the time now. But I... This morning, I used two toys. I was using one and then I switched.

But I was a solo hand masturbator for a majority of my life. Well, I asked a question and I answered it. But like, let's see. I want to hear from it. I think talking about vibrators is really important because there is a lot of vibrator fearmongering that goes on out there. Like, you can't get addicted to a vibrator.

But I like the word accustomed to, as well. Like you just, your body kind of gets used to that. And what I think it plays a really big role in that too is like, masturbating with a vibrator

for most women, it kind of is a pretty lazy experience. It's like you turn it on, you put it there, and you're just kind of like waiting until the vibrator like does its thing. And so it just gets you used to being a little bit passive

during sex. And again, that level of intensity and stimulation that you can't get from a hand or from a mouth. So I think women need to be thoughtful about how they want to have their orgas.

So if you're like, I love my vibrator, it gives me the best orgasms. That's just how I want to orgasm. Then your task is going to be getting comfortable using a vibrator with your partner. And there are lots of women. Vibrators are amazing for people who have chronic pain or maybe they have a low sensitivity or lots of different reasons why you might want to just have all your orgasms from a vibrator. And that's great. And you might be somebody who's like, yeah, I love my vibrator, but I would also like to orgasm

from hands or from my partner's mouth or whatever it is. And so if that's the case, the best thing to do is just switch it up. So I say, like, very rough guideline. Don't use your vibrator more than, like, half the time. Like, practice doing it in other ways. So if you're able to orgasm, like, with your hands, you're going to find it a lot easier to orgasm with your partner from their hands and then from their mouth to them.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is my story. I used the Debbie last night and, like, blew my mind. And, I mean, it was incredible. But, like, I just, I don't want to do it every night. And especially kind of even... I got to stop. Rayna's like, I can't relate.

I'm so deep into it. It's our air pulse suction vibe. But I also like, it's never too late to start mixing it up. You know, like, I would have, when did I first come from my own hand? Two summers ago? Like, it's been recent. It blew my mind when she told me. I'm 40 years old. So it's just kind of like my whole masturbation experience was vibrator and I still use my vibrators all the fucking time. And that's, you know, our livelihood. But like, I just started to use my own hands more. And now it's just like, that's what I do a lot. And now I'm like, incorporating.

the oral sex bag. Now we're doing both. We're really doing it all. But I have to tell you something. I masturbated to the thought of someone going down on me. Whoa. And I don't like that at all. I don't care about it. It's a, I don't care. I masturbate to actually give me blow jobs to other people. So listen, you change, you could change and change your mind. It's ever too late. Did it take you a while to learn how to use your hands? Like a little bit. It was a little bit of a learning curve. And I also just like took more time to

like get turned on, think about stuff, touch my own body, you know, have foreplay with myself. But I will say I think that's also important to do with your vibrator too. You know, what I tried to do, I said this a few years ago where it was like, I think it was a New Year's resolution. Like I wanted to fuck myself better. Like I really wanted to just not be cold, you know, not warmed up at all, not turn. Like I'm like temperature. Sorry. Like I would incorporate more blankets. Yeah, I want to have more socks on. No, like like a cold open. Like I wanted to even with my vibrator in my

my bed, like years ago, I was like, I want to at least be thinking some sexy thoughts. I want to have something going on so it isn't so lazy. So it's not just like immediate. I was like totally cold, and then I just took a vibrator on my clit. Like I wanted to at least kind of get in more of a zone, you know, set a mood because I think it all helps to have better sex with a partner. Oh, for sure. The way that we masturbate really affects the way that we show up with a partner for people of all gender. So I think being thoughtful about how you show up in your time with yourself is really, really important. And for some people, there can be a transition period where you're learning how to use your hands. Like a lot of people will say, I tried to use my hands and I felt nothing.

And so I freaked out and went back to the vibrator. But that's totally normal. You might need some time. It could be weeks. It could even be months if you've been using a vibrator for a really long time, like every single time. So don't freak out if that happens to you. Just give yourself some time to adjust. I never heard you describe it as like a cold open because I didn't really know that's how you really felt because I did it only manually for so long with my hands. I always had to fantasize. I didn't have this direct clitoral stimulation with something sucking and vibrating on my clay. I always do it with my hand. So I had to like fantasize always. So I didn't realize that was like your experience. Like I would always be turned on and then I'd masturbate. It wasn't like I'm masturbating to be turned

on because this is the thing I'm doing today. Yeah. It wasn't all the time like that. You know, I mean, I'd play music. I don't really do music anymore. Like I feel like even I've like swapped places. So, yeah, I mean, if we want to get really granular with it, I mean, what do we tell a partner? If all you've been doing is having penetrative sex, like, this is what you've been doing, you've been faking it. What do you say to them? Like, put your fingers on my clip. Like, how do we, like, what tools can we give people that are like, wait, wait, wait,

tell me what to do. So I think overall, what we need to do is focus on broadening what we're doing for sex. So most of us, like, we really overemphasize. intercourse. We feel like that's the be-all, end-all, that's the main event kind of thing. And especially in long-term relationships, we see couples doing fewer and fewer things together. It's like 30 seconds of half-hearted foreplay and then you're on to the intercourse. So we need to like expand the repertoire again. So the ultimate foreplay guides can be a great way to do that or initiating it with your partner first. I always love like initiating something with your partner because it feels like a softer

way for somebody who feels a little insecure saying like, hey, can you go down on me tonight? Like just tell your partner like, you know what I'm really in the mood for? Like, I want to go down on you tonight. So go down on them and then say, all right, my turn. Something like that. You know, so you're introducing in a really sexy way the idea of doing more activities in the bedroom. So it doesn't have to be this like, hey, I really need us to focus more on my, you know, it's like you don't need to make it be this cold and clinical thing. Can be a very sexy. Like, I want to have your dick in my mouth right now. Like, get over here kind of thing. And like putting their hand there. You know, like I think like we always say, we're talking about.

a guy he's doing what the last girl liked. So they like instruction. Hopefully you're with someone that's like receptive and cares about your pleasure. Tell them you like back and forth. Tell them faster, harder, less, higher. Like it's just, I think people worry that's going to hurt their ego. And it's like if that does, I would maybe consider the type of person that you're with. But like I really feel like you should be with someone who cares about your pleasure and is like more than happy to like take those instructions and like hopefully giving them in a gentle way.

And that's why I really like that. the little game that I mentioned earlier about comparing two techniques. It's just like, it makes it feel fun and playful, but it gives you and your partner really great feedback. Do you like it better when I try this technique or this technique? Do you like it better when I do this speed or this speed? Like this pressure or this pressure? You're like having fun with each other, playing around, but you're getting this very valuable

feedback of like, ooh, that's what feels good. And positive reinforcement we talk about on the show all the time. Like, you're so good at that. I want so much more of that thing that you did. Just don't stop doing this thing. It's like I'm getting compliments and I'm amazing. Yeah. You wouldn't want to keep doing that, you know?

I just think that like being fingered feels so good. It makes me go down on you. And people that are like, I can't orgasm from penetrative sex, well, then you need to warm the engine up a little bit more. You know, the best orgasms I will ever have in my life is when I smoke a little weed. I can masturbate longer. So like the session of fantasizing and like pleasuring myself is so long. So the orgasm is insane.

And I feel like if you just have more foreplay and you warm it up a little bit longer, it will be easier to have an orgasm. Well, right. And I feel like we've talked about that language too. It's just like, I love what you're doing. I just want to do it a little bit longer. I feel like we cannot stress positive reinforcement enough, like more of that instead of like don't do this. Nobody wants to hear that.

Yeah. And I think it can also be really beneficial. Like if you, you know, if you guys are in that pattern of intercourse is like the, you know, the main event for you. Have you have an orgasm first. Like have your partner go down on you or touch you. And that way you can move into intercourse and still have fun and connect. and, you know, play around with your partner,

but not feel that pressure of like, oh, God, I'm going to have to fake it. Like, is he going to come too fast or, you know, what's going on? That's all we did this past weekend. All I was get out of the way first. That's a funny way to put it like it. Get out of the way. Well, we've taken care of me. So you just do whatever.

I'll be here. Sometimes I need a second because I'm sensitive. I just came really hard. I'm like, well, give me a minute. You know what I mean? But I feel like we just do that a lot. You know, it's like he's focused. focused on my pleasure and he knows he's going to come once he penetrates me. So it's like,

we do that first. So I love that tip. I thought that was like a totally normal thing everybody was doing. I did too. I mean, the Rain of Greenberg special is like, what? I'll tell you what I do every single time. Like a little bit of a blowjob. I just like suck a dick a little bit. I get on top. And I'm, I'm like, you can get on top of me now and do whatever you need to do to finish this all. Oh, I was saying he's like, you come from oral from that have sex. Oral slash fingering slash a combo of both or whatever. And then he, before he even penetrates you at all. That's why I didn't like people going down on me for so long. I came too fast.

And then I was just like, can this be over, please? Yeah. But again, there's definitely times where it's like, okay, I need like a second, you know? Yeah, but if you're like vibrating from it. Yeah. Touching the rest of your body. Touching you, cooling you down. Like, yeah, it is very common for women to get a little hypersensitive, like right after we've

had orgasms. So you might need a minute or two. But I just think like female orgasm has been deprioritized for so long. Like, we should get to come first. Yeah. Like, let us come first. And it actually can be a huge. confidence booster for a guy too.

He has his own set of insecurities about how long he's going to last and is he could be able to get it up and keep it up. And if he knows that he made you feel good and gave you an orgasm, like, he's going to be able to go into intercourse, like feeling even more confident too. And then they sometimes you can do it after. Absolutely. You know, I guess there's a world in which some guys are just too spent, you know, once they come.

But like, I've got to be careful. You have one of those kinds of partners. Yeah. But I've had a lot of incidences where they have finished and then I'm most likely like getting fingered or something like that. So I just, I don't know. I guess I kind of want to make sure everybody knows you have all these options too that are like completely normal. And like I didn't really roll like this in my 20s. So like, if our younger listeners, maybe never considered that like they could have a finger or an oral orgasm full blown, no penetration and then have sex with their

partner. So I just want to let you guys know get to it. Another option that I never considered for so long, it's that, like, you can go backwards in the bases. Like, we have such a idea in our heads of like, oh, it's supposed to be hands and then mouths and then intercourse. But I actually love mixing it up and, like, have intercourse for a while. Take a little bit of a break, which is also great for a partner who's, you know, can orgasm a little bit too quickly. Take a break and then he fingers you or goes down on you or uses a toy on you or watches you pleasure yourself. You have the orgasm. Go back to the inner course. Like, you can go back and forth as many times as you want. I love this conversation.

It's fun. I feel like sometimes stuff that feels normal to a lot of couples or people may seem a little foreign to other people. So it's like I like giving people permission to do this and be like this is like a way to mix it up. I never thought about that. For most of my sex life, it was like, oh no, like we've had. Has to be an order. Yeah, we're doing an order. And once you've had intercourse, it's like you don't go backwards from there. But that's actually some of the most fun sex I have now is like mixing it up and like, yeah, that sounds so fun. Let's go back. I think that your partner wants to pleasure you. I think there was less information back then given to men that women could orgasm during sex. Men were just like,

this is about me. And I think there's so much more information now. And I can think of very few partners ever in the last 10 years that like weren't so turned on by me having an orgasm. It was really important to them. Like they got off because I got off. I do think that your partner really wants to please you. And so you should allow them the tools to do that. Absolutely agree. Yeah. So many women are so scared of this. And like, of course, there are some assholes out there. who are just having sex for their pleasure. But then you shouldn't be having sex with those people. If that guy doesn't care.

Go home to your vibrator for real, though. Yeah. If he doesn't care about your pleasure and your experience, he doesn't deserve access to your body. But I do think the vast majority of men want to pleasure their partners. They want to know what makes you feel good. They want you to have a good experience.

So I think reminding ourselves of that. And if you're in a relationship, like even ask your partner that outside of the bedroom. Just say like, hey, sometimes I feel really self-conscious in the bedroom of like how much time I take. or how much effort it takes. And like, I just, you know, want to check in with you and see what that's like. Like, I'm sure your partner's going to tell you, like, I don't care about that.

Like, it makes me feel good. Yes. With that as well, like, I think another important thing to recognize is sex is not about us giving each other the exact same amount of time and energy. Like, nobody's keeping track. Like, well, I went down on you for four minutes and 30 seconds. So I only got four minutes and 30 seconds in return. Right?

We're not keeping track of it. So even if it does take you longer to orgasm than it takes your partner, like that's not a problem. What makes great sex isn't that you've had exactly the same amount of time spent on you. What makes great sex is that you've both had a great experience. I love that point too. Because we all get into our heads like that. No matter what length or strength of a relationship,

you still get in you're like, God, he's been doing that for a while. I feel bad. And it comes from love for them. I don't want to, them to be tired or inconvenience them. But like you said, chances are they haven't even thought about that. Yeah, I guess if it's been an hour, could hang it a little tired, you get a carpal tunnel. But I think it's like they really aren't thinking about that the way that we may be. No, yeah.

And yeah, we might notice the time like, okay, it has been a little bit of time. But like, you know, he takes it right from finger and you're like, your jaw gets sore pretty quickly. Yeah, your job. It's like when you're with somebody that you care about, like you're going to do that for them anyway. doesn't matter if it took time or some effort. Like, you want them to enjoy themselves. Absolutely. Let your partner give you that gift.

The days of, like, a guy that doesn't care about a woman's pleasure, I just feel like they're on the way out, if not completely over. Like, I think every guy wants to think he can please a woman. Like, that's, you know what I mean? And then, like, even his guy friends want to gas him up, like, damn, you must be laying that pipe down. You know what I mean? Like, I think it's just...

He wants to play you like a fiddle. Let him. Yeah. Do you think that guy's listening? I hope so. Me too. I really hope so. Did he ever find, like, you never told him or anything.

I never told him. I never spoke to him again after that night, but I would be delighted if he was listening. You did not play me like a fiddle. I would love nothing more because obviously he would know it was about him. I did say that to her. That was my line back in 2005. Shout out to him for changing your whole trajectory. He really did.

Is there any other things that you get asked all the time where you feel like a really like hot, important tip about faking orgasms you want to give. You know, one thing that we haven't talked about is like a very easy way to experience more pleasure during intercourse is touching your clitoris or having your partner touch your clitoris. We kind of like touched on it

here and there, but I think so many women don't realize that that's an option. I remember thinking it's just so pornographic and dirty and it's like, yeah, it is, it's awesome. When somebody gets to watch you do that and you also simultaneously get to feel that, every single

straight man wants it. I'm just going to say it. I feel confident in that stat. I don't think there's a man out there in the world that is like, oh my God, guess what she did? And I guess he doesn't like women. Because I just like every single guy loves this. We've pulled this as well.

And like 100% of men said that it was hot. And then we got a bunch of DMs from women who are like, but the way I masturbate is like weird. It's too fast. Or like, I use this weird technique. And so we went back to men. We're like, okay. Have you ever seen a crazy way?

A weird way of masturbating, and it was like a thousand percent. Okay, so I will tell you what I see in porn a lot is that women are smacking their clit and they're just spanking their own clit just over and over and over. That is crazy to me. But listen, if that's what gets you there, but I feel like it's the opposite. Like they're trying to not come in porn. So like, let me do this crazy thing. I'm just rubbing it in a circle.

And also, men request it on the menu all the time. Touch yourself. Yes. So I think like everybody's different, but I do think a great place to start with Touching yourself could be during doggy style because they're not staring right at you. So I think that's probably what I started doing. Like, you know, I have access to it. They're behind me and I'm touching myself.

Like I think it's kind of high level if you're riding them on top and you're just like, that's one of my favorite recommendations too. They can't see you. Or you can do like reverse cowgirl too. Can be great if you're, because a cowgirl tends to be one of the best positions for female orgasm, like without touching the clitoris, but you can flip around backwards, you know, so they're not seeing you. They don't know what you're doing.

Even the position that you were. were mentioning kind of like your partner behind you, you're on your side, like in a kind of spooning position. Oh, I have to do it. That can work. Yeah. I think those are like the ways to transition into like the full frontal view. What's so funny is I've had, I've been on the bottom like a missionary and I've had guys

request it and I'm like, I don't have access to it. You know what? You're smashing it. You break a nail. I can't get into a rhythm because you're smashing against it. There's like a gel extension down there now. Right. I get into a rhythm.

I get like one full. turn and they're just like slam. I can't turn slam. I've never. This is for you. It's not for me. You know what I mean? Like, it's not for me to feel good for you to watch it. In that case, like, I feel like that's a great opportunity for a cock ring. You know what I mean? So they can be, which we are releasing one. Stay tuned. Spoiler alert. Yeah, we'll have that in the new year. So we didn't mention that, but I feel like that is a great toy as well. And it's maybe a little more again of that. I mean, whatever. Every guy might feel differently about putting a ring around is cock, but that can feel, that was one of my early on toys that I was using with a partner

when I was in my 20s and it feels a little less intense than like bringing a big old orgasm. Like it really is a good partner toy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That can be fun too. And even one other great little trick is just try putting a little bit of lube on your clitoris too. Because if there are certain positions where your body, like missionary is a great one where your bodies are pushed close together and you can get some of that action with your

clitoris grinding against their body or also cowgirl, if you're, bent over a little bit. So if you put some lube on your clitoris, it can make it like glide a little bit easier and you get even more like really great clitoral stimulation. That is a great tip because I feel like even if you are really wet, which, you know, I have been ever since I got off the pill, but it's still kind of staying more localized in the hole. Yeah, it doesn't travel up. I mean, you could grab it and slap it on there, slap your clip, but I just think like that's a great tip to get them slapping the lube on it. A little window washerer moment.

I think it's a great tip. I love this tip. So I was like, sleeping with this guy. And he was on top of you're a missionary and he was just like grinding in a rotating position. You could tell he really thought he was doing something. And it really was taking me out of it.

And like, all I could think about was like, what is this literally from behind with your little butt? Just like grinding in a circle. And it's, I think that with a little bit of Lou, it would have felt better. Yes. I could quite get there.

It was like a sneeze. I couldn't like get to the hump. Yeah. Yeah. Lou can really intensify sensation. and just make it so much easier to get there and, like, feel more. We're going to send you home some more, Lou. It's really elite.

Yeah. Welcome to your gutty back. Yeah. We'll give you all the things. Okay. Well, I love this once again. Vanessa, this is so wonderful. I just think, you know, we've been doing this for so many years,

and we really feel like, how is there more to talk about? And there really is. And you've, like, brought so much, like, fun new stuff to the table. I'm sure this will be, like, really impactful for our listeners. So thank you. Oh, thanks for having me, guys. I'm so glad. I really was, like, bring me in coach.

Like, I'm ready for this. You were really excited and I was like, yep, I'm really, we're doing it. This is so great. Well, you have like a wealth of information and everything on your website and your Instagram is fantastic. So tell people where they can find you, the book, the website, Instagram, everything. You can find us on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Zander, at Zander with an X. We're pretty active over there. And you can find all of our like guides and courses and link to the website there too. But our website is vmtherap.com. It's my initials. VM-T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.com. We have those ultimate foreplay guides. We have.

next level intercourse. We have sex challenges for couples, like tons of fun stuff there. And then we have our own podcast, which is called Pillow Talks, that you can find wherever you listen to podcasts. Amazing. Okay. And you guys know where to find all of our sex toys, including the new products we talked about today at vibes only.com. And you can also follow vibes only on Instagram. And of course, Girls GottaEat.com. Probably no tickets left for the live shows. But you snooze you lose. But Girls Gottoeatatcom and Girls Got to Eat Podcasts both on Instagram and TikTok. I'm Ash Hess. Raina is reina.greenberg. And we're wishing you all incredible orgasms, both alone and with a partner. Have a good week and lots of orgasms. Bye.