Girls Gotta Eat - Would You Expose a Cheater?

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Would you tell your friend if you saw their partner cheating? We're discussing all the different layers of this – seeing a friend's partner on a dating app, catching them cheating in the wild, how to know for sure/get receipts, how to (and how not to) deliver the news, and more. We're also discussing why the closeness of the friendship matters, and when telling someone their partner is cheating ruins the friendship. AND we're discussing the "trend" of exposing a stranger cheating on social media…and we have thoughts! Before we get into the topic, we're breaking down the latest Instagram update and sharing some features you may or may not know exists, and we're talking about your partner checking people out – red flag or nbd? Hope you enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit https://girlsgottaeat.com for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: AG1: Get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free travel packs with your first purchase at https://drinkAG1.com/gge. Skims: Shop the Skims Soft Lounge Collection at http://skims.com. Beis: Get 15% off your first purchase at https://beistravel.com/gge. Blueland: Get 15% off your first order at https://blueland.com/gge. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives: Watch the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, all episodes now streaming on Hulu. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know, you say to yourself immediately like morally, of course, you tell somebody. But it realistically does go really poorly a lot of the time. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Would you like to join us, Azul?

Hello, Azuli. It's September. Oh, my God. It's the four months. It's the fall. I hope you had a great labor day. We're in Dewey Beach. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. as always. It's 9-9. Love that number. I can feel the fall in the air. Not right now. And not in L.A. But I'm sure some of you guys can feel the fall in the air. It's the best weather. Yeah, we'd come back from Dewey. I was in New York. That does lead us into the next time we were going to be in New York, which we're going to tell you guys about and you can get tickets to come see us. But let's talk about our partners. And then we will announce it. Okay. Thank you to Hulu. Watch the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, all episodes now streaming on Hulu.

Thank you to base. Get 15% off your first purchase at base travel.com slash GGE. And AG1, get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3, K2, and five free travel packs with your first purchase at drinkag1.com slash GGE. Yes. And thanks to Skims. Shop the Skims Softlounge Collection at skims.com. And Blueland, get 15% off your first order at BluLand. com slash GGE.

We're 11 days away from the tour. Life is about to have meaning again. I'm so excited. Nine months of not touring. It's the longest. It's the longest. Last year we just took the summer off. We took a few months off.

This is the long as it's been. We literally took like six weeks off. Rain is hanging on by a thread. She's so antsy. I just miss you guys. I miss the outfits. I miss being on tour. I miss Ryan.

How's my eggs? We need a camera on test just for when Ryan gets brought up and we can do a test of cam. She is adopting my exact same energy. She hit you with that. he goes, I was listening the other day and you said you wanted to sleep with me and I was like, I'd say that every week. But we... That's our weekly tradition. When we're pitching the show, we're like, every week we drop a new episode and Raina talks about all she wants to fuck our videographer.

And then on Thursdays we talk about pop culture. I was just really excited. We miss you guys so much to be in your presence, to laugh with you, to share just a giant room and a crazy night with you. It is nothing will ever be more special to me in the world. It's amazing. No, I'm feeling this in my body as you're saying. speaking. I've just been laying in bed at night just thinking about bored in the house. Remember that song? Bored in the house. Like, I just, I can't wait to like be out. What was that song?

I was like, bored in the house, in the house, bored. It's been right now for nine months. But you know what I learned via COVID? Because like, okay. When we came back into touring after COVID, I was deeply afraid, like, am I still funny? And Stella still got a group. Okay. She doesn't have to get it back. She never lost it. No matter what, she's got it. Raina is on one.

Okay, but we have an additional show that is not technically on the no crumbs tour, which get your tickets at Girls Got Eat.com. But we are going to do another New York show. It is EatsCon, which is the infatuations food and entertainment festival. We have headlined it in Chicago. We were supposed to do Miami. Sadly, it was canceled. We hope to be back there one day and see all.

all of you in Miami, but we are going to do New York, which is so exciting. And I feel like this is very full circle for Raina, the former food blogger. And we just love it. And it's going to be Sunday, October 13th. And you can get tickets for just Sunday and come see us. It's my most serious thing. It's the first EatsCon I ever went. The infatuation, nobody does a festival like them.

It's all your favorite New York City foods, just lined up. And then we'll perform for an hour. It's just, it's so much fun. If you have kids, bring your kids. Because they make us be a little more peaching at that show. But we aren't. Yeah, somehow we aren't. But you can buy...

It's very hydro kids vibes. You can get them pizza, though. Yeah, but New York kids, they get it. They don't care. They're fucking cool. They're like, go harder. Yeah, they've heard it all before. Eat her out.

Some of those Chicago kids, some of their parents pulled them out of the tent. It's a daytime show. Come see us in the daylight. See what we look like in the daylight. Yeah, it's the only time you guys are going to see us in the daylight, to be honest. This shows are really fun. I've been to the New York EatsCon.

It's the biggest one. It's the best one. It's a huge festival all weekend. So you can get tickets just for a second. It's at Eatscon.com. That's five E's. Like cheese. Eatscon.com.

And then they're on Instagram. And if you've trouble finding it, also the infatuation on Instagram. It's just infatuation. Yes. And the other headliners, we are in good companies, Sophia Vergara and Maddie Matheson, who is a wonderful chef, an amazing follow on social media, but also is in the bear. He was the one comedic character, the only comedic relief in the bear, I think. And so I just love him from me.

that. It's just, it's like an honor to be next to him on the, on the lineup. Sophia, with Maddie. Yeah. You're team Sophia. I'm team Maddie. Okay. So we will see you guys there. Can't wait. And then all the other dates, of course, may as well just promote it again. Girls Got Eat.com. Vegas first on the 21st. And then we have Pittsburgh, Indy, Detroit. And then we go into our holiday shows, which is Halloween. And that's going to be Philly and Portland, Maine. And then we have Denver, Minneapolis, Madison, Boston, New York. And just two houses. keeping things. Pittsburgh, the website for tickets I've noticed is a little hard to navigate. There's two floors. So when you go into the Pittsburgh website, on the bottom right, I think

there's a button that says floors. It looks like it's sold out. So there might still be tickets. So click through the floors. It's not like a normal like ticket master site. So there are tickets left. Click floors. And then Las Vegas, we announced the theme. It is weddings. So bring your old wedding dress. Bring a tacky wedding dress. Bring a bridesmaid dress. Flower girl. Flower girl. Groomsman, Usher. Yes. Priest. Anything wedding themed.

That's the theme. Rabbi. Bring your top hat if you want to be a rabbi. People really get into it. They really dress up. You certainly don't have to if you're coming to the show. If you could fuck one of the cater waiters. We dress up as a cater waiter.

Anything in a wedding dress up as. You want to be a member of the band. Videographer. Someone comes dressed as Ryan. He wears his security t-shirt. Security, venue security. Wedding planner. J-Lo.

I'm going to be none of these things. But you guys will say. But people get really into it. You don't have to, but do it. So we'll see you guys soon. We love you. We're so excited. We love you guys.

We have such a fun episode today. Speaking of weddings. Fun. Cheating. Yeah. I don't know. I should have said. I know.

It stays. I keep being like, I'm so excited to talk about this. But it's a highly debatable topic today. Yeah. But we're going to have fun with it is what I meant. I'm having fun today. Well, I wanted to run something by you.

And this is a few weeks old at this point. But I still don't know if you know all of this. or everyone knows all this, the Instagram update. And Instagram didn't update a few weeks ago. And the main thing that people were noticing was the shares on each post. So where you would see likes and comments, now you see shares. And people have mixed reviews. I mean, I don't think this is great for people's mental health.

You know, just knowing that how many people are sharing. Like, did we need to see that friend center? Instagram is doing it because they want you to create shareable content. You know, they don't care about you and your mental health, just so we're clear. But you used to see shares on reels. If you were in the real columns, you know, scrolling up, you could see the shares. But now it's on everything. It's on just like a static post of, you know, you and your dog or you on vacation or you

and your boyfriend or whatever you're seeing how many people shared it. And I don't know. I don't think it was necessary. And I want to know what you thought. I mean, I'm a content creator and I don't like it. And that information is important to me, I guess, like, am I creating shareable content of the clips that were cutting good? is this the stuff that people want?

What should we do more or less of? I don't find it to be public information. Why should other people see that? It doesn't feel like it's good for anybody's mental health. I know. You can go to insights if you're a creator. I can see it personally, privately. And I still choose to not check it all the time.

Ashley and I want to know what you guys like. So of course, we look at chairs. But it doesn't need to be public information. That's not like good for me. It's not good for anybody. But then I had a question for you. I saw the chicks in the office discussing this. and I wanted to see, when you see a bunch of shares, is your immediate thought, people are talking shit, or I'm amazing and create amazing content?

So it's weird. I have mixed feelings. Like, I mostly think you're talking shit. You do? That's where your mind goes. Well, Instagram stories, I think people are talking shit. Feed posts, I feel differently. So Instagram stories, I always check how many people shared it.

For sure. And if it's a book I'm reading, if it's something I'm recommending, I don't think people are talking shit. But, like, sometimes I think people are talking shit. Yeah, I mean, it depends on the content. It's like, buy this hat, I think people are sharing clothing. This is cute. Or if it's a book, a movie, you know, oh, I think you would like this. If it's just something I'm talking about, though, I think people are talking to show me.

I mean, who's to say? I mean, yeah, something funny, like something that got shared so much was that time my brother said the thing about the earthquake and the vibrators and all that stuff. So many shares. I know people are purely probably laughing. I can't imagine someone being like, oh, my God, so cringe. And if you are, then you don't have a cool family. But there's something like that.

But yeah, I mean, you got to wonder what people are saying, but I just don't really let my mind go there. I feel like that's bad for your mental health is seeing a share number and being like people are talking about me behind my back. Also, who cares? You know, all press is good press. But it's just, I don't think that we needed this. And I don't think it was helpful when we're having all these big mental health conversations and how social media is so detrimental to your mental health. Let's add this into the mix. And let everybody else know how I'm doing.

Of course, we already could see that. But now it's like even another layer of what are other people thinking about the shared number? I don't know. And it's this big bold number next to like comments and likes. And so now everybody sees it and now I have to look at it. I could always choose to be blindly unaware of what people are saying. Mostly I don't check shares because I'm just like, I don't care what you think of me. I don't think of you at all. And if something's funny, I do assume you're out for it around because you and I are being funny or you like my outfit or a book that I recommended. But I don't know that I need it in big black bold. I don't know that we need it for static. I think if you're creating a reel, you have created content. there's something different about it. Not always, but like Instagram is like, got to make reels. We're trying to rip off TikTok. You know, it is what it is. And it's like if you took the time to create a reel, I feel like put the shares,

which is how it used to be. You could see those. They weren't so front and center, but everybody could see them. You could like view people shares. But like, I don't know. And people post images. It's like they're just like usually pictures of themselves, their family or their, you know, kids.

And it's just like, I don't know that we need this big share on this. Right in front and center. That's what I'm saying. I assume that like if you're just sharing a photo of me sitting, somewhere you are like making fun of me or something. That probably isn't true and that's like a negative like that's negative self-talk. But why should I even have to think about it? I know.

So my advice to everyone has try to shift your mind and just be like, no, I'm amazing and you should share with my shit. But I think that it's sad that most of our minds are going to be like someone's talking behind your back. Thanks for sharing my content. It's always nice to meet a fan. Yeah. You know?

Okay. A couple more things. They are doing 20 photos in a carousel. Do we need that? What? So people need to be cut off at 10 and honestly, probably ain't. This is a Facebook album. But TikTok is 35.

What are you even saying to me? Did you know this? TikTok you can swipe 35 times. I mean, I think people are creating different kinds of content. So TikTok is usually like funnier, but 20 photos on Instagram. It's an album. Or videos. It's a Facebook album.

Videos? What if you share 20 videos? Are you good? I think we should die. Sometimes when I share a carousal with eight photos, I'm like, am I okay? No, if I hit, if I hit 10, I'm embarrassed and I'm like, I'm dialing it back to 8. Not to mirror. Yeah.

Not to mirror. Not mindful at all. Whoa. Not cutesy. I'm sure I've hit 10 before. Someone's going to run the numbers and be like, you're contradicting yourself. I have too. And it's cringe.

It's just, are we swiping over that much? No. It's six to eight. If it is an ex of mine with their new girlfriend doing anything, I want 20. 20, 50. I want 100. I just, I'll look at all. I'll digest that a lot.

I'm just thinking. Like, I feel like I want to start trolling with 20. just 20 pictures of his old, just a little bit, everyone's just a tiny bit different. You know, or like 20 really mediocre outfits. And then you'll see like thousands of shares. She's like, what do you guys like my look? This is like so basic. Yeah, then it'll get shared.

Yeah. And people will be like, oh my gosh, she's so cringe. And you're like, well, you're sharing it. You're talking about me. Okay. So the last thing, this is not new. It's new to some people, though, because I think people got into like, oh, what are the new features? And this is not new.

I discovered this end of last year. This is shared activity. So I was curious in my head. I'm like, I want to know when. when my boyfriend followed me in Instagram. He started following me after we did a virtual live show during COVID. And we didn't know if it was December. We did a Christmas one in 2020 or February 2021, Valentine's. And so I was like, I feel like Instagram's got to be able to tell me this. Because I always remembered a see friendship feature on Facebook, which I would use to find photos. Like if I went to me and use Facebook and I hit see friendship, it would be all of our photos together. I've used this to find photos of friends or family members, whatever. So I was like, I feel like I got to see this. So I went in and I found this was end of last year. It saw like he, started following me in December 2020. So after the first virtual show and I started following him in May 23. So I did see that information, but I missed what was below it and what was below it is something that people are now just starting to catch on to. And this is your shared activity. Everything you've

ever done with a person, every comment and every single like. So everybody has access to this? No, no. I mean, I have to go to Raina and I have to. No, I mean, you have a business account or something. It's everybody. Everybody's friend. Yeah. So here's me, your shared activity. Our tags, photos and reals we've been tagged in, but all of our likes and all of our comments, we can go back and run the tape on our friendship. Every single thing we've ever commented. We can see like all this stuff in our whole friendship. Oh my God.

Like how funny we used to be or not funny. Isn't this crazy? This is crazy. So does it tell you how many photos were tagged in together? I wonder if there's like numbers. The comments by you and comments by them. So I had like a few thoughts of this. I immediately thought of like a trip down memory lane with like an ex, you know, which would kill you or like someone's so cringe.

Like that guy from Chicago I used to have a thing with. We used to comment back and forth and flirt with each other on Instagram. Like I can't even look. I'm going to die. I'm going to look tonight. I'm going to like pull the vandot off. I'm going to like be so cringed out. But can you imagine just going back and like running the tape on you and an ex or like even an ex friend or something like that?

And then I also thought of like if you are. dating somebody and you have that one girl on Instagram you think they flirt with, like you were just dying to see that shared activity. Oh my God. But then I'm like if there's really anything going on, that's going to be in the DMs. But I feel like most people, if you are suspicious to your partner at all, which I really hope you are, you know, you want to be in happy, healthy relationships where you trust your partner. But like, you're like, I got to see the likes on that.

I got to look at him and this girl and see what he's liking, you know? But you're just itching for it. This would be so detrimental to my mental health in my early 20s. Yes. The way I'd be stealing phones and looking at this. I always think like what are our old DMs like, Melanie every once in her, I will send me like a Facebook message that we posted about each other in like, I don't know, 2008.

It is so embarrassing and cringe. A Facebook status from like 2011, I will die. You know they used to write them in third person. Ashley is at lunch. We used to actually like fill that box in. Yeah. Ashley is at lunch. Ashley is going to a really fun party tonight.

Like that is mortified. That is so embarrassing. This I think is cute for the most part because you can go back on a friendship. It's not like Google photos where you go on there like, how about a memory for you from 11 years ago? And it's just me and all my ex-fiance. It's just dozens of photos. And it's like, how about the day you got engaged?

How about your engagement party? How about the day after when he left you, the day after your engagement party? I was telling you, because this happened to you. You sent it to me. The thing that just said, I just said. The slideshow. Yes. The fact that Apple does this to us so dirty,

like I'm sorry, if you are putting together a slideshow for someone from a decade ago, there's an ex, there's a dead pet, there's an ex friend, there's a dead grandmother, like something's going to be in that slideshow that you don't want to see. Why are they doing this to us? I don't know. And they'll serve it to you. Look what we did.

Look what we made you. Okay, but Google Photo will identify somebody's face. Do you use Google Photos? No, you're always coming down on. It's insane. So they'll do like facial recognition and say like, here's all your photos with this person over 11 years. And they'll recognize somebody's face and give you all of them in a folder. So all of the memories with your acts are like,

there you go. And they're like, and what we would love to do is know your song together so we could make a slideshow and present it to you. And you can kill yourself to it. With music that's going to make you cry. Rina. I want to like find our first interactions. What do you think my first comment ever was like on Raina's book? You know I used to like put these crazy Instagram filters on I said, like, feed post it. I had to have, like, an intervention about my own filters. Guys, this is going to make me cry. Woke up to be number five on iTunes.

Stop. This is going to make me, like, so emotional. Well, remember we used to post every episode, every single day. Raina, thank you to everyone for the thousands of girls got to eat downloads today. Wait, this is making me, like, really emotional. It is such a trip down memory lane. The first thing I ever wrote, why am I so emotional? The first thing I ever commented, I commented to you first.

And it was six years ago. and you wrote, It was six years ago? Not seven? October 10th, 2017. That was the day we met. On October 10th, 2017, Raina posted a picture of this food.

And she said, Are you today's date? Because you're a 10-10. Rana. And then I wrote caption, flame emoji. Raina, no. Don't read my own captions.

They're so embarrassing. Oh, my God. Oh, then I don't even know what this is about. Then there's a photo of Raina October 11th, and she wrote, It's just my boo. Zero chill.

And then, you guys, this is very cute. And 357 weeks ago, I wrote, just stopping by to see if I need to fight anyone in the comments. And Raina goes, so happy to have you as a bodyguard. And then I said, we're in the same resort at the time. And I go, I'm on the beach if you want to come meet up. Like, Raina, this is just cute to look back at our friendship. Like, here's you at Rolf's. Fala la la la la la la, liquor.

And I'm. Jokes. And then all caps. I want to go here. I'm new in town. Oh my gosh. Like it's just, it's very like new friendships, you know, just like hyping each other. Like, hey girl. Let's hang out. Okay. Oh, here's a good one from Raina. Here's the good food pun from Raina. She's got a picture of some salmon. Oh, your favorite. Caption. Keep you love locks down. I used to really lean on lyrics. That was, okay, so I know exactly where that was. that was this trip in London where I was with like that press tour. Okay.

And I fucked the PR guy on the trip. And I hated that trip. And I, on that day, I pretended to be sick and I left the trip. And I went and met you in Paris. And that was our first vacation together. I mean, to be able to run this back, like, I also wonder, I mean, I guess you could block somebody and this would all disappear. But this would be really hard to see with like an ex. I couldn't look.

You know, that would be the final nail in the coffin for me. I was being all cute and being like, I love you. No, I love you more. Oh my God. It would kill me. Don't ever look at that, you guys. So that is the Instagram update. Again, that's not new.

And we used this recently. So Raina was kind of talking this guy. And I looked him up and I was like, oh, he's following me. Is that weird? And then I was like, I'm sure he's following you too. But he's like a fan of the podcast. And then we looked back and like saw when he started following us. And it was like a couple years ago or something.

You know what's really weird about that? I don't have ever told you this. Oh, my God. We were talking. I think it was like our second date. And he was asking me some question about work. And he was like, wait, sorry. remind me what's the name of the girl you did the podcast?

cast with and I was like, no. When you told me that he had been following you, I was like, that is psychotic. So weird. That is a psychotic thing to lie about. I feel like we are uncovering for the first time to a lot of people that you can, people can see when you follow them. You know what I mean? Like he obviously didn't know that was a feature. Like I think some people are like, well, how would you know when I started following you? I could have just started following you. And it's like, I can run the tape. I can find the receipt right here. Even if it was like the day before, I would have seen he was following. That's so weird. Oh my God. I mean, I guess. I I guess maybe he's just trying to save face and be like not like a weird fan, but like, I don't know.

I just, it's a weird white lie. I don't like it. No, it definitely is. This is a way to, I mean, not that you're, should be out here trying to catch people in lies unless they're cheating, which we'll talk about today. But it's interesting for people to play dumb like that. And then you look back and you're like, you've been following me for years. Yeah, like, it's something I can prove.

Like, I understand white lies. You're like, no, I totally didn't look up your LinkedIn and Google you and learn anything about you. Like I know people do that. I guess I do want to like give him a little more credit because people do do that. Yeah. But he's following.

Yeah. We've all been there. I mean, that one time I looked at that guy and it's like, you know, his dad had died in 9-11 and he was like a firefighter and I knew the whole story and I was like, I've gone too far. And then he told me the story and the date and I had to pretend that I didn't know it. It was just, that was a lot. You just like a lot of cry.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's so, so sudden to hear about this. Okay. Let's take a quick break and we will get back into it. So I am telling you guys about skims, specifically the soft lounge collection today. And we love it so much. I mean, soft lounge is for in and out of the house. So it is great stuff to wear at home when you're just hanging up by yourself or you have friends over and you want to look a little bit put together if you're hosting and then also out on these streets. So I was just thinking my skim soft lounge dress, my long black dress, which is I'm so obsessed with. I love it. I might do that, which it will have passed by now, but I might do that for my cousin's wedding rehearsal dinner night. Oh, that's great.

And like with the flat and, you know. I love the dress. I can't believe your, like your body looks crazy in it. Like the plural you. Everybody looks great in it. Some of our favorite pieces, like I said, the dress, if you were curious, is the long slip dress. And then there's a long sleeve dress.

So the soft lounge there is, oh my God, this is gorgeous. I'm going to need this for a fallen winter wherever I am that's going to be cold. This is like pretty much the same dress, but with long sleeves. The boxers, we're obsessed with their boxers. They're so sexy. I know. Something about wearing these just like kind of snug boxers. There's the camy.

I mean, they have these beautiful colors. There's a tube dress. I love a tube top. There is a high neck tank, a shrug. We were just joking about shrugs the other day because sometimes you just want to wear sleeves, you know. And a sleep set, Raina has worn the pajamas to record in, tank mini dress, foldover pant, which we love a roost pant, long skirt, cropped t-shirt. I mean, everything in this collection, we're just so obsessed with and there is a soft lounge, long robe and a short robe. So whatever you could possibly want. I mean, we love the dresses and then we love the loungewear as well. This little, this short slip dress. I got to get that. Oh, my God. Got it and gray. God, it's just going to be so flattering because you might be like, I don't want to wear gray. It's not going to be flattering. Skims will make sure that it is flattering. So we're just really obsessed with it. And you guys can shop the Skims Soft Lounge Collection at Skims.com.

Now available in sizes extra, extra small to 4X. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select Girls Got to Eat in the drop down menu that follows. And make sure to do that when you guys buy your skims, buy your soft lounge. And, you know, tag us if you're posting any stories. that we want to see what you guys look like. Okay, guys. And The Secret Lives of Mormon Lives is now streaming on Hulu.

This is a show. I'm so excited to binge. I've started watching it. It's a great show. A lot of different themes. These women blew up overnight on TikTok and were fully in the spotlight when Taylor Frankie Paul announced that she and others in the group were involved in swinging. You guys remember that?

And now they're coming together for this new reality series. It gives you an inside look into secrets lies and gossip of mom talk. I mean, it's a really interesting world that these women have a like. you to sort of pull back the curtain on. And the rules are pretty strict. No cursing, no tattoos, piercings, alcohol, caffeine, and just being the perfect way for your husband. There's a lot of themes of that. So it's a great show. I'm watching it so far. Watch the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, all episodes now streaming on Hulu. All right, so I want to read a DM I got, and it aligns with this week's episode. And I want to see what you think about it.

So this comes from a follower of mine, and she said, hey, Ashley, I was wondering what are your on your partner looking at other women is a quick glance okay what if this gives you anxiety and there's no way to avoid it with so many beautiful people around which i don't know where she lives but l.A is so many beautiful people around all the time i'm checking i guess it's really partner specific it's really one size fits one for how you feel about yourself and your partner and you know i think that there are partners that i've had in the past that i just don't really trust them and it i'm constantly on the lookout for them doing things like this, following a woman across the room with their eyes or are you flirting with the hostess, the bartender a little bit too much?

Like, how are you speaking to this person? Like, I can show up as two very different people in different relationships. Some people I'd be like, she's hot. Let's check her out together. Yeah. Like, I want to feel as though I'm in on it. But, like, I don't know. My partner, like, watching other women and making comments to me about other women.

I don't love it. Yeah. I guess I could see a world in which I have a partner that, like, that's just our vibe and it's funny for us. Yeah. I think it exacerbates an existing trust issue. Yeah. So, of course, this could be very partner specific, like you said, or you're in security if you don't feel attractive, if you don't feel like your partner is attracted to you, as much as he or she may be to other women. So there are those things that do make it like your own level of security and level of security with your partner and trust. But like, I think we all look at people who catch our eye.

You know, I think we all look at attractive people, whether it's a man or a woman. I mean, to quote Jared Fried, I'm going to be looking. You know, like a super hot woman walks in the room or a super hot man. Like, I can't really help myself. I think that it's the volume of it, like you said, is they're flirting to? Are you giving off vibes to strangers that you're available? Yes. And then are you being distracted when we're having a conversation?

Like, I can keep it together during a conversation. I can keep it together. I'm just saying, I've been caught before. Like, my boyfriend was someone to be, Ashley, come on. You know, like, I was single for so long. Like, it's very, like, sex and the city brunching with your girlfriends on the street. So it's hard to just stop the behavior. Yeah.

But I'm a respectful girlfriend and I'm never distracted by anyone in the room when my partner and I are having a discussion and I'm certain enough flirting with people and making them think I'm available. Like, he has been like, Ashley. Okay, I get it. He's hot. You know, like, I'm like, sorry, sorry, you know. But he knows how much I love him and I think he's the hottest man in the room always. So I don't know.

I mean, I think, like, is this okay that, okay, I think everybody is welcome to choose their own boundaries and communicate that to your partner. And if, like, hopefully you're with somebody that makes you feel valued and, like, you're the prize and they're so excited to be with you. And you're welcome to set any boundaries and communicate them with somebody and they can say yes or no. I think because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're no longer a sexual being and you don't think that other people are attractive. Yeah, living in L.A. and New York, everyone's hot.

I'm looking at everybody. There was this couple that was sitting next to their day at lunch. I couldn't believe how hot her partner was. I couldn't stop staring at him. Right. But like I can look at somebody across a restaurant and not be leering, not disrespect my partner, not do it in a way that's obvious. I think also, you know, you start to cross the line when your partner's like making comments about it. Oh my God.

Yeah. Like I do know like a guy friend and like he will, like in front of his wife will be like, look at the rock on that girl. Look at the butt on that girl. And I don't love it. It wouldn't be for me. She seems pretty cool about it. Yes. So to this girl who DM me to her point, I would say I feel for her if she's feeling any type of insecurity or she's, I mean, she's a beautiful girl. She shouldn't feel insecure in her looks. But I mean, we all have our insecurities. And you know, you just have to check your relationship. To her question, just a quick answer is a quick glance. Okay. I think so here and there. You know, is it the volume of it? And is it affecting your partner being present in a conversation or in the moment? And you just have to feel confident that they do find you attractive. I don't know. You have to tell yourself like, they're with me for a reason.

If I'm in the middle of a sentence and I see your eyes clearly follow a woman across the bar, I'd be like, are you serious? No, it's giving big from Sex and the City. Yeah, it's like, who wants this? It's just, I don't, I actually would, I would much rather, like, the waitress takes our order and you'd be like, did she do you see the tuts on that waitress? Yeah. Like, that is funnier to me at least.

I guess depends on the vibe with my partner. But, like, if you're just, like, leering at people and I'm in the middle of a sentence, we're having a discussion about it. That's crazy. Yeah, it is the, it is the tone. And it is how it goes down. And I just think, like I said, like, attractive people catch our eye, but all kinds of people catch our eye.

Like, I mean, if there's a dog in the restaurant, I can't focus. You know, like, you see someone with a crazy outfit, some crazy colorful matching set, some crazy hat, you know, whatever it is they're wearing. Someone's body. Perfect face of body. Yeah, like you look. But I think there are couples that check out other people together all the time, make those comments.

And that's fine. And that works for them. So I really, I've seen it. And I've been around it. And it's like, doesn't bother me at all. It's just like this is such a personal preference. I think if you're asking the question, your partner's doing it more often than seldom and you're uncomfortable with it. And you're welcome to be uncomfortable with it.

Yeah. And a lot of people get tripped up with their checking people out who look nothing like me or they like celebrities or they follow girls, which you know, you don't want your partner following a bunch of like models, whatever. That's not for me. But people are like they're attracted to people that don't look like me. And it's like, I don't know. I wouldn't get tripped up with that. I've always said if you lined up every guy I've ever dated, you'd be like, this makes no sense.

You know, you just don't have a type. You know, I feel like my partner now is the most attractive man in the world. I'm so, you know, but he looks so different than my ex, my last ex. Like, they couldn't look more different. And so at the time, like, that's what I wanted. The white guy you dated from the South. Just this average white guy. Yeah.

And you were, you know, Raina, she's on this bald guy kick, but she wouldn't have ever dreamed that 10 years back. Like our taste change and they change in relationships and all that kind of thing. So just never get worked up in like all the girls before me look like this and now this and this is what he's into and he's not into my look. Like don't get. He's into everything. Okay.

He's just into tithies and butts and like I don't think he's like if you're blonde and he's checking out of brunette, it has nothing to do with you. Men are just they're going to be looking. Yeah. I'm going to be looking. And your taste are all over the map. Yeah. Yeah.

Men are just into women. Okay. It's nothing to do with you. All right. Well, so that's our feelings on that, which kind of segues into the topic. cheating. So I was inspired to do this topic because of an internet trend, which is exposing cheaters in the wild online strangers. And we have a story about this that really angered me, got me all riled up about it. And I think we'll say that for the end. And I think we'll kind

wrap up with like how we feel about exposing strangers online or anybody doing anything in public and filming them and exposing them online. So. So. Stay tuned for final thoughts. But then we thought, let's bring this into a real life and with people you know and your friends. And would you tell somebody, does the closest of the friendship matter? How do you tell them? I mean, all these things. Yeah.

Would you want to know? Yeah. So we're going to unpack all the results. I mean, I want to just sort of like give away the results just by saying that overwhelmingly when we said, would you tell somebody and would you want to know, the answer to both those is yes. Absolutely would tell my friend. Absolutely. I would want to know.

But when we asked how did it go, overwhelmingly the answer was bad, really poorly. I lost my friend. This person stayed with their partner and our friendship really suffered. So we want to unpack those results and why? Because, you know, you say to yourself immediately like morally, of course, you tell somebody. But it realistically does go really poorly a lot of the time. So let's get into it. Let's unpack it.

You know, what are the different tiers and scenarios and all that? So let's just start low level. you see your friend's partner on a dating app. Are you telling them? You don't know that they're cheating. We all know could be an old profile. So take that into account. But that's kind of like the lower level thing

because this is not definitive proof, but it's proof that they're on a dating app. And I think that this is an easy one. You know, I think that you always give someone the benefit of the doubt. We all know that you can delete your profile and it still stays in the system. have to delete your account. So are the photos old? Is there reasonable doubt that they just haven't fully disabled their account? Or are they new photos? If they are newer, the photos have been taken

since they've been with your friend. They've been active. You can see that they're active. Then there is that. So are you telling them? Because they're on a dating app, you know, for the whole town, for the whole city to see. So this to me is the most black and white, right? Like when we ask people like, would you tell in X, Y, Z scenarios, people were like, well, how close am I with them? How did I find out? How much proof do I have? This is like, it's very black and white. You have the most proof. You can screenshot it. And then you can just say to somebody, here's some photos. Do with what you will. Like, I understand that most people don't realize that you delete an app. It doesn't delete your profile. You're welcome to look at the photos and make your own decisions. But this is not sort of open for discussion. It's not, I saw them at a bar with somebody. It could have been anything. You know, you have, you have, you have, you have, you have, you have, you have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. You have. photographic proof that this is happening. Your friend can decide when those photos were taken. And they can save face. Because a lot of people, they don't want to believe what you're showing them.

And we'll get to that. It's like, a lot of these people are like, I don't care. I'm going to stay with them anyway. So I think we all know how these things work. I think we're all smart women, you guys all listening. And, you know, man, I think we're talking to our primarily female audience most of the time here. But obviously anyone can relate. But you could show your friend and be like, hey, I saw Tyler.

on this dating app and I don't know anything else. It could be old. Like you could even say that even if you know it's not. And you can send it to them and that at least allows them to save face if they don't want to believe it. If they just want to be like, I wish I never saw this and I don't care. They can still save face with you. They can still be like, oh, yeah, it's probably an old profile and like leave it at that

and you never have to speak of it again. But at least you did your due diligence. Yes. And then that friend also like you're not dropping this information in their lap without any receipts. You're like, I'm also giving the receipts. Yeah. You do with this what you will.

Yeah. And yeah, I like the saving face too. I really have a lot of feelings about like why these go so poorly. But this can't really go as poorly as other scenarios because you're just like, I saw this. Here's some photos. Do with it what you will. Yeah. So we asked you guys, we can go through some of the answers. Would you tell if you saw your friend's partner on a dating app? Yes, I would want to know was a lot of people said. Someone said depends on how sure I am. Digital stuff is weird. But if they're caught red handed, yes. Again, proof is important here. There's really no reason like upset someone without like solid proof. I mean, But then again, it's like we were saying you and me anything I'm going to tell you. You know what I mean? And I think that if something happened like this, this did happen to us, sort of. I talked about it briefly. Someone thought they had matched with my boyfriend on Hinge. It wasn't him. Someone else.

The name wasn't even spelled the same. Didn't look like him. And they wanted to, you know, be involved in something and posted online. And someone sent it to Raina. And Raina did her research before coming to me. But you still, like, felt the need to tell me we're best friends. you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's different tiers and layers of friendship. Like you're the number one top, top, top tier. I'm not really worried about you and I having a falling out because I'm just like, hey, just so you know, this thing happened. Also, I could never live with myself not telling you. But like you knew it wasn't him. You were 99% sure. So like my feeling on it is if this was like a third or fourth tier friend and this happened

and you saw this. Someone sent it to you for whatever reason. Like I don't even know if you tell him. I think you'd be like, that's not. real, why do I need to upset them? But like with your best friends, you tell them every little thing because you're also like, I don't want other people to tell her this. I don't want this out in the world. Like, Ashley needs to know what's going on in every aspect of her relationship. So it's just like, I think about it from the reverse of like what I've expected that person to tell me. And this is

sort of a different scenario. But I ran into a very peripheral friend's ex the other day. And I didn't tell her. I was taking a walk. I ran into their ex on a walk. I said hi. We walked around for a couple minutes. Whatever. I didn't tell her. There's no reason to tell her. Why would I bring that And I don't see a scenario in which she finds out about this and goes, I can't believe you didn't tell me. Why wouldn't you have told me? Yeah. But if something like that happened with like an ex of yours, yeah, it would be very strange for me to not be like, this is how I spent my day today and I didn't bring it up. Totally. I mean, the friendship really matters. That's like a perfect example. I know it's not cheating. But like you're decently close with the friend, but it still doesn't feel necessary to tell her. But if you did that with me, it's absolutely necessary to tell me. It would be a lie through omission because I talked to you about my day and what's. It's off and what's going on. It would be very strong. To tell her I ran at her, acts would be like, what'd you,

she would be like, what'd you tell me this for? So this is like a tangent, but I just, now I'm like curious your take. I think you knew this. But I have a friend who we have sort of lost touch. Nothing really happened.

It's just kind of like we're living different lives. And maybe we just kind of grew apart and we just sort of lost touch. No, we're like falling out. And we just kind of stopped seeing each other over COVID. And then she moved away and she's married and this and that. But when we were friends many years ago, her boyfriend, like serious boyfriend,

I mean, she thought she was going to marry him and they ended up breaking up. But like I had hooked up with him like years prior. And like when we first started becoming friends, her and I, it was super casual. We met at a party and then slowly we just kind of started becoming friends. And I'm like, I just always felt so weird about it. And I don't think we didn't have sex. I was so drunk back then.

We didn't have sex, but we had just like made out one night. But like in his bed, you know, I'd gone home with him. And then I was always like, what if she's going to be one of my best friends? And what if she marries him? and I've hooked up with her husband, and then they broke up, and I was relieved, and I was like, there was no need to tell her now. He broke her heart. There was no need to be like, hey, by the way, I hooked up with him.

But like, was there a world at which you, like, I don't want her to look at me. And I just felt like this doesn't serve anyone to tell her. So you just like almost can't win in that scenario. That's what I'm saying. Because there's always this thing hanging over. I have a very similar situation. There's always this like little thing hanging over your head. We were like, I did hook up with this person.

And if there is some chance, they're going to. find out, this will be so bad. I know. So catastrophically bad. But there's never a moment when you, in the beginnings of your friendship, you're going to be like, let's hit the gas. I fucked your boyfriend. And me, like, I just want to do the right thing. I'm never like, I got to get this off my chest. I'm like, I care about you and what you're going to think of this. And I think we both want to be friends here. We were friends for years. I think you would look at me differently. Yes. And I think I did the right thing. And then they did break up and it's like, who cares. But like, had they gotten married, it's fucking weird.

You can't win. You can't win. And so one of my best friends from college, she's come to the Indianapolis show, she's married to somebody else now with kids. But I was going to a party in college with this guy that I worked with. And him and I were like, I think, hooking up in his car, like outside of the party. And like making out, I was like on his lap. And it was at the house of another girl who we worked with.

So we were like making out in the car. By no means are we dating. We're just drunk. We're making out. We go into the party. And he meets this girl who will now become one of my best friends. meets her that night at the party. And they start dating.

Yeah. And I meet her that night too. And I think she is just the coolest person. And I want to be her friend. I want to hang out with her. And I'm like, I'm not going to date him and he likes her. And so I'm not going to be like, hey, by the way, a new friend that I really want to be my friend. I just hooked up with him two seconds ago.

So I never bring it up. And they have a very serious relationship for years. And she does find out. And she was so mad at me. Yes. But like. She was furious. I didn't tell her.

And the way she found out, I was all kinds of messy stuff. in college. But like this other girl told her it came from somebody she didn't like and she was like this is embarrassing to me. Other people know this that you hooked up with my boyfriend. I didn't sleep with them. But like I think she felt embarrassed. They're like a lot of people knew this and I was like, but there was nothing between us. There wasn't a time to bring this up. Oh my God. Like I never talked to that guy again. Oh, you know what I did? Oh, you know what I did. I'd have mail me my earrings. That's how much we, that's how much we didn't date is like I never, I left my earrings over there and they were like nice. They're probably pearls. This is back in the south.

And he sent them to me, he mailed them, put him in the mail. Like, that's how much we didn't want to see each other again, both of us. But, like, let me just put this on myself, my current boyfriend. Let's say, like, Lisa, because Lisa's like a newer friend. We're getting closer with her as time goes on. We vacationed with her. I find out that years before I got together with Sparkleyes, Lisa and him made out. I'm upset.

I don't know. Like, in my perfect world, I never know. I never find out. And I can at least say, like, I did the same thing and I, this is how I handled it. But, like, if I do find out, I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, I don't know. I actually don't even know how I feel. There's never a good time to tell somebody.

I know. There's never a time to tell somebody. But, like, I think I'd rather live in blissful ignorance because, like, with this girl with my friend, like, I was not going to date him. I was not a threat to her in any way. So I was like, why bring up an issue that is not an issue? Don't start no shit. It won't be no shit.

The problem lies is if they get married and you really all get really close. And then you're on vacation. And then you're like on vacation with them. And you and him are always just like, God damn it. This is crazy. And then one night you were to the two or the last one awake. And you're like, do you ever think about that fucking night? And he's like, you want to do it again?

And then you have to tell her he came on to me. And then he's like, well, we already fucked. And then your friendship is literally over. It's crazy. And then also like, is there a difference between. I mean, again, there was no penetration. I'm pretty certain. But like, that's how drunk Ashley used to get.

Yeah. No, seriously. I think we've met at this bar called like Park Bench and Atlanta, whatever. It's just, I felt for her so deeply when they broke up. It was really bad. And she's happy now and she's married to someone else. But it was just like, oof, like, at least this is on my chest. It does. I mean, this is, cheating is different. Like a lot of people said, like, would you tell somebody if you caught the partner in the wild? If I knew they were monogamous, I would tell people deserve to know. I've been cheated on and I'd feel my friends didn't care if they kept the secret from me. close a loop on the dating apps. What a few people said, they said, like, screenshot the profile for proof. Someone said, like, sexual health and safety is a big concern. They deserve better. You know, I mean, there is that, too. I mean, we've talked about so many topics we've discussed prior to this episode and what we're going to cover. And, like, that's part of it. It's like, they're sexual health. You know what I mean? You're like raw dogging it with somebody. They're raw dogging it with somebody else. And then, of course, I would approach the partner first and see what they have to say. Sometimes it's truly a glitch. I mean, that just depends if you know

that person even. Someone said I'd try to match with them to see. Yeah. I mean, again, that's kind of veers into like you're trying to catch somebody. Yeah. You know, like to me, I mean, we talk about this too. Like, if we had a friend that was like new Raina and me in the same closeness, like, I think they'd send it to Raina first. Like, a lot of this stuff is going to be Raina's problem. Like, we were saying like, it made me laugh really hard.

You were like, no one's going to feel bad. That'll be your problem. No, it's just like anything like this about my boyfriend. That's probably someone's going to be like, Raina, you deal with this. Well, I do want to ask you how you feel about telling a mutual friend putting it on them. Yeah. Well, sometimes. it's getting the information, like chances are it's not like you don't know if they're open or not.

But sometimes this is the whole thing about it. You don't always know what's going on in people's relationships. You know, like if it was a friend that I just didn't really know for certain, I might ask another friend purely. I'm like, I don't want to hurt them unnecessarily. Do you have any insight into this? It's less, I jokingly say people would tell you and put it on you. But it's less about let me get this off my plate and off my chest and put it on someone else to deal with. And it's more about like, do I have all the information? Yeah, it's really nuanced. And it's like another one of those things where you're like,

I have the best of intentions, but I don't know how this is going to go. Because like if you share it with a mutual friend, I can see the person who's the subject matter that's being like, now multiple people know about this. Now you told extra people. I know. I mean, all of this depends on like, how old are we? How close am I? Are they married?

Do these people have children? Like, what are the stakes? Like, I think some people are like, catching somebody who's like 19 year old frat boy. boyfriend, like making out with somebody or on a dating app is not the same level to me. It's like, this is somebody's husband and father of their children. I've found out about this. Yeah. And like, I think always asking yourself whether it's a close friend and not so close friend, a stranger, we'll talk about it. It's just like, what is your intention? Just make sure your intentions are pure. You know, like, you really feel for this person. You really are doing this because you

care about them. Just do a gut check. Because a lot of these people are like, but I'd want to know. And it's like, but do you think they'd want to know? You know, like, keep them in mind. like you, you know, and I understand. It's like I'm treating people how I'd want to be treated, but so much overwhelmingly is like, I'd want to know and I don't care how it's presented to me. And it's like, delivery matters, proof matters, you know, like a lot of people want to just pop off. I'd want to know. And it's like, okay, well, A, are you sure you'd want to know in this manner? And B, like, not everybody feels the same way about this stuff. So I think it's just like consider people who they are, their feelings, the nature of their relationship and like how to approach

this sensitively and like kindly and respectfully. To me it feels unconscionable to find out that a friend of your's partner was having an affair and not tell them. Yeah. I can't imagine such a thing. I'm not saying. No, but the other side of it you're saying is like ask would somebody want to know? I don't know.

A lot of people have arrangements. A lot of people are just like, I don't care. I'd like a don't ask, don't tell policy. He's on the road on the weekends. Not my problem. You know, like I just, I mean, I guess I would mostly approach it from the position. of like I can't imagine holding that information it would like kill me yeah and I'm not suggesting that I just I know you're thoughtful about it and like make sure your intentions are pure you know what I mean

and I think that like most of the times yeah some people just like to gossip and be like I just found this thing up but like most of the time when you share with a mutual friend I do think the intentions are positive but I could see somebody being like I can't believe extra people knew about this but like you know I've met for example a lot of like girls through my friend Jackie in LA I know I know a lot of peripheral girls and though I saw one of their boyfriends cheating on them at a bar or something, like holding hands and I probably wouldn't tell them. I'd probably tell Jackie and be like, you deal with it. Like, I do see a lot of scenarios in which the mutual friend is the person that you go to. Yeah. Or I'd be like, I don't know. They're open. This is none of my business. Like, that's how I feel about the strangers thing. Like, is this, is this my business? I don't know. Like, I'm not on some

lifelong crusade to, like, expose everybody's business. I don't know. It's just, like, of course, I think people should know if their partners cheated on them. Like, you look like a fool. You know, you feel so silly if all these people knew and you didn't. But I don't know. There's like, certainly a line of where if I just like kind of casually knew somebody and I saw the person I thought they were dating monogamously out, I think I'd maybe just be like, I don't know. I don't know the story here. I mean, I'm not getting involved in a lot of people's lives. You know what I mean? Like, how many people do we know that are comedians that go on the road and they cheat on their partners? Then you see their partners. I'm not getting involved. I don't know you guys. If I really don't

know anything about your situation. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I don't want to be involved. And like, I know it sounds really a little bit serious, but like, you don't actually know what somebody is going to do to you for telling their partner or something like that. And like, you should be afraid for your safety sometimes. Like, and I know that's super morbid. But like, you don't know how somebody's going to attack you and do something on the internet to, to ruin your life or go after you in a certain way. And it scares me a little bit with strangers. Yeah. But that brings us into like, would you tell your friend if you caught someone cheating in the wild? and again, like not in a date nap.

Like you see it happening. And I'm just saying like you know for sure this is real. Like you know that they're in a monogamous relationship or the your friend thinks that they are and you're seeing him out with somebody else. And I mean, overwhelmingly it was like, yes, like you're a girl's girl. You tell you would snap picks for proof. You'd want to yes, you'd want to know. I mean, if he knows me, I'm going up.

Hey, what's up? I want to get that tea. Yeah. But like I'd like and immediately gauge their reaction. Hi, I'm Ashley. 100%. Like, I'm going to feel it out. I'm excited about it.

And not because I want to get messy. I'm just like, I want to make sure I know what's going on here. You know, are you just like with your cousin? You know what I like? But I mean, again, I'm kind of talking about like you see them making out. You're sure it's not like a friend or a family member. But like I'm not going up and accusing and like throw my drink in his face. But if it's like good friend, I can't hold back.

I'm in the same room as you and you're doing this. I'm going to find out what's happening right now. Yeah. Make it real. Because to me, that's very much along the lines of, like, the responses we got that was like, I am telling him, you tell her I will, which is that same energy. Yeah. Like, if I come up to you, I'm your partner's friend. Now I know, I would prefer they tell them.

Like, wouldn't that, isn't that always the dream, like, that you don't have to deliver that news. It doesn't have to be associated with you. You don't have to be, like, connected to that heartbreak. Like, you're able to force someone to fess up. and tell them themselves and you don't have to be involved. That's the best case scenario in the world. Yeah. I don't ever, it makes me sick and I actually never have.

I don't think ever had to deliver that information. Right. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had to tell my friend. I know that your partner is cheating. I've had to tell girls that their partner is cheating on them with me. And I'm happy to talk about it. I mean, obviously I did not know that those people had a partner.

And I want to talk about it in conjunction with like, so if you told people how did it go? And overwhelmingly people said it didn't go well. You know, it put a real strain on the friendship. It ended my friendship. These people stayed with their partner. And I think there's a lot to be said about having receipts and how you tell people. And I think obviously we're overwhelmingly going to hear from people that had negative experiences because it was an event in their life. Right.

If you told somebody and they broke up with their partner and everything was great, you probably send less emails and respond less. But I think that like for those people, like you're in a, you're, you're. you're in really good company essentially because it doesn't tend to really go well. And I've had to tell people to their face, I fucked your boyfriend really kindly. Like I did, I was really nice about it.

It happened one time in my 20s. In my early 20s, I'm one to my early 30s where I found out that I was dating somebody who was dating another person. And both times I told those women with receipts and dates and information. I am dating the person

that you are in a relationship with. One of those girls is married to him and as children. And the other one continued to date him for years. And she was like, I think you're a liar and I think you made this up. And I was like, why on earth would I make myself look this terrible? Right. I don't even know you. Exactly. I'm just giving you this information. So like to all those people, they're like, I told my friend and I told people to their faces this is happening with dates and receipts and

screenshots and they still stayed with the person. Right. So I think that a lot of times, like, just because somebody finds out the partner is cheating, that does not mean you stop loving them all of a sudden. You want to believe the person you're with is honest that there's some other explanation for this. And people do stay very often because the person that was lying to is going to continue to lie to you. Right. Absolutely. I know. And I mean, again, I just, I want to circle back. I don't want to come across that I'm saying not to tell. You know what I mean? Like, of course, because I would certainly want to know. I just think this like needs to be like a thoughtful approach. And because it is so sensitive and it does.

ruin friendships, you know? I've been thinking all day about like, why does this ruin friendships? Because human behavior is saying, yes, I want to know. And yes, I would tell them. But human behavior is saying, yes, this ruins a friendship. Yeah. And like, you have to say to yourself like, why is that? And I'm trying to think of like a deeper meaning for this.

But I think like you said, now you're associated with this thing happening. It is really deeply humiliating for a lot of people and painful. And a lot of people ride into these situations with a tone of like, fuck him. and I always hated him and he's a piece of shit. And now your friend knows that you think that about their partner. And you can't really put that back in the box. And those feelings are, they're not misguided. I mean, of course, if I ever found out that your partner was cheating on you,

I would hate him so deeply in my soul. But I would have to fight the urge to say that to you because, like, I want to also communicate to you, like, you're an adult and I trust you and whatever you do, I support it. Yeah, and that's the thing. I mean, I think people want to be like, fuck that. I would take a video right then and there. It's just like, that's not the delivery.

Like this is painful. You know, this like needs to be handled carefully and sensitively. And like sometimes people take this and deliver the news in a way that is like, that's what makes the person stop being their friend. It's hurtful. You know, the news is already hurtful. And so if you really care about someone, you're going to like deliver it in a different type of way, you're going to take a beat, you know, and think about this and mull it over. And like, do I know for sure? Did I see this with my own eyes?

You know, that type of thing. So yeah, I think that if your friend tells you your partner's cheating and you ultimately decide to stay with them, like, you're humiliated. You know what I mean? You're going to feel judged even if they aren't judging you. That's why Raina said, like, the tone is so important when you go into these conversations. Like, you can't go into it with your mindset being like, well, you're obviously going to leave. Like, you can, but it's like they might not. And again, that's like the overwhelming response of like telling a friend. Initially she was devastated, then he spun it. And then you're the bad guy. someone said, this went horribly. She pushed me away because she was embarrassed and stayed with the guy. Someone said, awful. Happened eight years ago. The couple is still together and the boyfriend hates me. Someone said they never believe you. Someone said it ended badly. She distanced herself from me. The dude had bad mouthed me also. Someone said it was very complicated, very awkward to be in the middle of it needed to be done. Someone says not great for her in the moment, but she believed to us. They're married with a kid now. I mean, again, the people that are responding are probably going to skew more of this and they have a horror story to tell as opposed to like, no, it's great. But still, like, this was the overwhelming. Horrible got dropped, no longer friends. Great for me. Not so great for her. Ended the relationship.

Then we have, you know, she moved out of her apartment to move in with him. She ended up living with me. Tried to tell a friend I found her man on Tinder. Turns out they were just looking for a third. There's that too. Right. You don't really know what's gone on. I didn't even think of that.

Your partner could be on a day and up looking for a third. Or they have no relationship. He could be in that bar looking for a third. Totally. I mean, again, I just want to, this is where I'm coming from. I just, there's so much. much more consensual non-monogamy out there. So many of people who are having threesomes, I mean, you just got to be sure and you got to be careful. Absolutely. And I think that,

you know, people, when they get cheated on, it's already so humiliating. And you shouldn't be humiliated. It happens to everybody. But there is this feeling of humiliation. And on top of that, you're like, and I'm going to stay with them. And now I got to go back to the people that told me this. I got like, what? It feels like I have to apologize for my behavior to them. Yes. I'm already humiliated because this happened. And I do see a scenario in which you're just like, I don't want to have that conversation so I'm not going to. And the easier person to let go of is my friend than my partner. Right. Than this person I might marry. Yeah. But like got into my head, would I tell somebody or not knowing that it might end the friendship? I still don't want to live in a world where I knew that information and I did not empower somebody to make whatever decision they want to make. Because like we were saying earlier, that will end the friendship. That will too. They found out later that you knew that. That's the friendshipender for me. Yes. And that's what I will come back to.

Again, I think I have a high stance on how close the friendship is, on how I handle this. I think it's just like so varied. But I guess there's a world in which a really casual friend sees something and didn't tell me and I'm able to forgive it. And I'm able to kind of give them the benefit of the doubt. But close friend, yeah, I couldn't come back from it. If you saw my man cheating and just brushed it off and didn't tell me, I don't, I don't, I don't think I could recover from that, the friendship. I agree. And I could probably recover from the embarrassment of having found out from you or something. Like that, you can come back from that.

You know, I'm thinking of just like the delivery. You know, I'm thinking of you coming to me with like, I want to talk to you about this thing. And of course, I don't know all the details of your relationship. Like, this is what I saw or this is what I heard. This is what I have proof of. And I just want to give you the information and I'm here for you. And I imagine this is really hurtful and we've all been there as opposed to like, girl, I saw your man last night. What are we burning his house down? You know, and listen, you need those friends too. We talked about it with Dr. Scott. But like, that's just me. It's so painful. So to come at it, like, you're almost like excited to out this guy. It's like, that's my partner. Right. I love him.

This sucks. Like, can we not with the whole, like, this is not the energy. This is devastating. Totally. I think the energies have to be like whatever you decide, I'm going to be here to support it. I think you have to assume that somebody that is willing, we'll call it the boyfriend or a husband, that is willing to be on a dating app that people could find out about, willing to be on a date in public, is also willing to make you look like shit for telling their girlfriend or wife about it. Like you are up against somebody who already has a different moral compass than you. Yeah. So they are going to lie about it. Yeah. And like you're up against that. like for you to go in guns ablaze and I found this out, it's like that person's going to handle you by lying.

Yeah. So yeah, I also think the situations in which they told the friend and then the friendship ended all of that. Like I'm wondering if there were other signs that they'd chosen to ignore. I mean, maybe, you know, someone cheating when they're traveling for work is a little bit different than cheating in their own city flagrantly. You know,

like if someone is out here making out with somebody in the bar in the city where y'all live, like I'm going to assume. there's other signs and he's just really playing her for a fool. I don't really know what the takeaway is there. It's just that I'm going to guess. You know, it doesn't mean I'm not going to say anything, but it's just like if my gut is telling me she knows on some deep level anyway, if he's being that blatant about it. Yes. I mean, that person just operates from a different set of standards than you do. Like to just be on a dating app. Yeah. That's so wild. That's like, please catch me. Yeah. You're at a restaurant. Like, I used to work at this restaurant the

first job I ever had in New York was in Upper East Side. There was a cocktail lunch downstairs. It was like a nice restaurant upstairs. And I would like wait on men and their wives upstairs. And it's like, you know, Friday nights are for the girlfriends and Saturdays for their wives. Like, and then the other night of the week, like these same men would like bring their girlfriends into the restaurants and like sit in the cocktail lounge and stuff. And it was always so shocking to me that you would like operate like that in the same place. And I'm like, you're just cut different. Yeah. And there's some people listening that I would be like I would make it my business to out all of those cheaters. And that's just not.

I don't know. I don't operate like that. We'll talk about it. Like, if you don't know the people, like they don't have any reason to believe you at all, you're up against even worse. Like, why get involved in somebody's life? Like the one guy that I told his girlfriend, like in my 30s, I had met him in New York and we had gone out under like a work pretenses. And then a work dinner turned into like drinks and drinks and we slept together. And he told me I was with a girl for four years. We broke up four months ago. He told me about all these problems that they had had and we slept together and he called me the next. I didn't think I ever heard from again. He lived in Chicago.

I remember the next night. He was inviting me to come to Chicago to visit him. We were talking all day, every day, and I found out he had a girlfriend. And I was just, I was fucking mad. I was so angry, and I was never going to talk to this person again. And I told her anyways, and she told me that I was full shit. She didn't believe me, and that was the end of it.

Gun to my head, I feel like I don't even know if I would do that again. Like, I wanted to ruin his life. I wanted to really fuck his life up. Right. Nothing happened. I know. I know. I really want to go back to your point, because I think it's such a strong point.

someone that is doing something that dirty out in public so flagrant is going to spin it. Totally. Yeah. Like they're going to, you can even have a video. Well, that's AI. You know she dabbles in AI. You know, your little weird friend who told you. You know what I mean?

Like they're going to find a way to spin it. Like they are probably some sort of master manipulator. It's a real piece of shit to do that stuff. So publicly. I mean, I had dates. I had locations. I had screenshots of text messages with his phone number on them. And she was like anybody could have made that up.

I was like, oh, exactly. For what reason? For what gain? Am I making myself look this stupid? Yeah, they'll believe what they want to believe. Okay, I would round this out with us real quick stat and then we'll take a break. So we asked you guys like all of this telling somebody how much does it matter with the closeness of the friendship. And 59% said it depends on the closeness.

So again, like, you know, it's situation by situation. 15% said I would tell anyone no matter how close we are. And so just like we were just discussing. And then 25% said if we're not close. close, I would tell their close friend. So get a mutual friend to make it their problem. So I think a lot of, you know, the 60% pretty much of people are like, this is nuanced. And, you know, there's only so many people's lives I'm really getting involved with like this. You know, and you've got to ask yourself, will this ruin the friendship forever if they find out that I knew?

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Go to bastervel.com slash gge for 15% off your first purchase. That's B-E-I-S travel.com slash g-g. Okay. So we have a couple emails. Should we get into? Yeah. So we asked you guys if you've had these scenarios where you've caught a friend's partner cheating, what happened?

Would you do how to turn out? Or if you were the person who was being cheated on. I'll kick it off. We got this email. She says, three years ago, my ex-husband, partner, for 15 years was on a golf trip while I stayed at home with our three-month-old and three-year-old. Come to find out, he was FaceTiming with his mistress the entire time he was on this golf trip. One of my best friends knew about it.

Her husband was on the golf trip and never told me. Months later, I ended up finding out my ex was living a double life. I found it on my own. She was one of the first people I called when I found out. I was bawling my eyes out and she immediately told me that she had a feeling he was cheating because he was FaceTiming another girl in his golf trip. initially I wasn't angry with her probably because I had a lot on my plate with the divorce and two little kids but after the dust settled

and I had time to process everything I was very hurt by her choice not to tell me. We were best friends and for months I would tell her how horrible he was to me and how I was struggling to repair of marriage and she never once said anything to me. It was another layer of betrayal. Our friendship hasn't been the same since and it never will be and my opinion trust is the foundation of every relationship, sexual or not

and if I can't trust my friends to tell me if my partner is hurting me behind my back I don't want the friendship. This is top tier terrible. But hear me out. The friend found out because her husband was on the trip. And so I can see that girl being like, which person do I betray here? Right? Like if I tell my friend, I found out about this because of my husband, the cheating husband is going to know this is how I found out. Right. So she's like, okay, I betray my husband's trust and tell my friend. The husband is probably sitting there like,

don't, don't do this. It's just everybody loses in this scenario. And the thing that makes me the most angry is like the person that rarely loses is the person doing the cheating. I'm glad she left him. Thank God. Yes. But like all the time I'm like, why did you put me in this situation? Okay, but we're going to take this kind of off topic, but and get into these people's lives.

But the friend, why'd she even tell her she knew then? If she's already keeping it from her, then why did she feel the need to be like, oh, I knew that? You know what I'm saying? Just keep up the live iomission. You know, like it's interesting, this is the topic today, but it's interesting that like, She already was keeping this from her best friend and then felt the need to be like, yeah, oh, I knew that.

I'm not saying that's how she delivered the news. But like that's kind of crazy. Like you think she would just would have doubled down. But then like, yeah, when does she find out? Because she said, you're right. I kind of didn't realize it. Like she heard from her husband that he was FaceTiming another girl on the trip. Did she know all the details?

I'm not in defense of her. Totally. It feels indefensible. But like, because that's your best friend. It's just like she was in a tough spot too. So I want to acknowledge that. It feels defensible a little bit too. It's just, this girl cannot win.

Like, the husband was probably like, you don't say anything. Like, then don't fucking tell me. Right. Like, I'm pissed at my husband. You put me in a shitty position. Yes. I'm pissed at my husband because I would just be like, there's no scenario in which I do not have to tell her this.

Yeah. Why do you have to, absolutely. I would have to tell. I would absolutely have to tell. And what are you going to divorce me? Shut up. You started this. I'm sorry you have to lose your friend.

Yeah. You're a friend to cheat her. Fuck your friend. That is really, really tough. Okay. You know what I like when you read. All right. So, hey girls.

So back in college, circa 2014, when Tinder was the only dating app everyone had, I was scrolling and found the fiancé of a mutual friend. Fiance. He was marked as recently active. You got to check that. So I knew it wasn't a case of an old account. He forgot to deactivate.

This was my best friend's roommate who I liked but wasn't super close with. So I sent it to my best friend to ask her what she thought we should do. My best friend freaked out of me and said she wished I never told her because it put her in a difficult position with what to do. her friend was engaged to this guy and they were getting married in six months and had been together for years at that point. My best friend ended up going to the engaged friend's mom. Should they just keep passing the buck? You tell her.

She's kicking the ball down the road. No. And the mom told her not to say anything to her and pretend it didn't happen. Oh, the bad mom. So we dropped it. They've been married about 10 years now and have two kids. This is always bothered me because I know I would have wanted to know if it were my fiancé. knowing that this girl's best friend and mom knew about it and never said anything to her,

never sat right with me and makes me wonder if he's still getting away with this behavior. Fuck, my God. I mean, at least you can be like, maybe he was just fucking around on Tinder. Like, at least you can tell yourself that to sleep at night. Like, at least you didn't watch him fuck somebody. I don't know. I mean, I still hate it. I hate it.

But like, also you can be like, I don't know, maybe he's being a little asshole in college. He grew up. He could be a solid husband now and I'd be a father. I don't know. Yes. Rain and I are, again, not in defensive cheaters. we just always like to bring like nuance and context

in the situation but like yes college you're you're a little fuck boy in college you can go on to be a good husband and father

we have seen it done but many people yes there's a lot of nuance to this I also would be like oh no your mom didn't even want to tell you it's there for all for getting engaged

in college right that's a weird decision to me don't get engaged in college this sounds like I'm victim shaming this is one of those things

where I'm like okay could I sleep at night Yeah, I could be fine. Like I told their mom. But I also maybe like in the defense of the mom, the mom's like, he's 20 years old. I ever told my mom. And I was like 17 or 18. I came crying, came home crying.

My boyfriend cheated on me. My mom was like, what? Oh, were you, you're like not dating other people? Like it was just funny. Like she was like, my mom was very, she's kind of like hippie-dippy. I mean, her and my dad were both dating multiple people when they met each other. She was just like, yeah, I don't know. Right.

She felt for me. She was sympathetic. but I think she was very much like, this is like a kid. That's how, I mean, it's hard for me to take it seriously. But in the moment,

it is serious. You think it's serious. But like when I'm reading, like when I was in college, I'm like, oh, this doesn't matter. Yeah.

And again, we want to validate your relationships when you're feeling in love and you're getting cheated on. It really does hurt. But I guess we're providing a little bit of relief from where we sit, you know,

as late 30, 40, that like you can grow out of some of those bad behaviors. That's why you don't get engaged when you're that young. Yeah, I think the people really, really grow up. I think the stakes

are much higher as you get older and you change your behavior. Like, I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, at all. So I do think this person could have just grown up. And also, you're just like, well, her mom didn't even think she deserved to know. I just love that they put this on her mom. I'm sorry, but I don't hate the strategy.

Okay, a question for you. Do you think my mom would tell me? Depends on the mood. Depends on what she thought might ruin your life more. Just kidding. I'm kidding. Do you think she'd tell me on Hanukkah?

She'd tell you on the wedding day. She would be like, also you look fat. Stop. No, she wouldn't body show me. Just other stuff. I think she would. I think your mom is like, my mom is actually like the most honest person I've ever met.

Like to a point that it's annoying. Like when I'm like, they're never going to know. And she's like, they're going to know. They're going to know. I was like, she is the most honest person I've ever met. She would tell a stranger. Yeah. She just, she's too honest.

It's annoying. Okay. So we are going to end it with this exposing a cheater trend and kind of share a little bit of a personal story about it. There's an article in the cut that I might pull some details from that the title is exposing cheaters isn't always a flex, which I agree. And so what happened was this woman, and I guess this TikTok video has since been deleted, which as I feel like it should have been. But this woman, she wasn't like an influence or anything, just a random person on TikTok, recorded and posted this video to TikTok saying if this is your man and he's flying United Airlines. flight, whatever, from the city to the city, he's probably going to be staying with Katie tonight. And she's filming this guy behind her. And you cannot hear what they're saying. She put

music over it. So who knows what they're saying. And he's like talking to this woman really animated and he pulls up a shirt at one point and shows her this tattoo. And basically it's just like talks about like them on this four hour flight with this drinking with this woman. And he's talking to her. And she said, I wouldn't have known he was married if he hadn't have been wearing his wedding ring, do your thing, TikTok, which that sounds a chill down my spine. Do your thing. What ruin this person is like. So anyway, our friend knows him. And what had actually happened was that was an old friend of his who he ran into. They asked to move seats so they could sit next to each other and catch up. They hadn't seen each other in years. The tattoo was like his kid's name or something. And he was super animated talking to like an old friend. So what people did on TikTok, was find him, find where he works, find his wife, find his kids. His kids had to be pulled out of school. I feel like so sick. Because people were harassing the kids. Your dad's a cheater,

this and that. His ruins his wife's life. I mean, what this woman decided to do to like hop on a little expose a cheater trend, which I find so sick is really fucked with these people's lives. And I would have had a problem with it even if he was cheating. Like it's none of your business. And like, people have families. Like this affected this man's kids. His kids are getting bullied at school now. His wife, she doesn't ask for that. And we know, because we asked our friend,

she was like, the wife is humiliated. You know what I mean? Like, even if he would have been cheating, she would have been humiliated. You know what I mean? And she was just like, he doesn't even know what to do. He doesn't know what the recourse is here. Like what?

And she was asking our group of friends. She was like, does anybody have any ideas? And I was like, I don't honestly. Like, he has no recourse. There's nothing that makes me feel. feel more terrible and sick than like, there's this prom that is spiraling out of control, and I have no way to stop it. Yeah.

And in this article, too, there was something of like outing people's bad friends. And there was some story of this guy walked by this girl group on the street and we're like, by the way, so and so your friends have lied you about coming to your birthday party or something and posted it. And the girl was appreciative. And then she met up and started this whole thing if she dumped her friends. But like, I also don't want to know that. My friends are talking about me on the street.

You know what I mean? Like, we're not supposed to hear that. kind of stuff. And again, some people are listening to this and being like, I would want to know, I have been cheated on. I would want to know. And it's like, that's fine. Most people really don't know in this way. Not that way. They really don't want to know in this way. They really don't. And I just feel like you don't know what's going on. You don't know what this will do to someone's life in your family. It's truly none of your business. Also, by the way, the person that you think you could be helping. They could be a terrible person. They could be cheating at the same time.

Like, you aren't doing this with the intention to help someone you care about. You're on some weird. crusade, you're trying to go viral. Yes. You don't, I mean, I guess there's a world in which you've been cheated on so you find this to be your purpose in the world is to out strangers cheating. But like, if you really cared about someone, you would tell them privately. The intention is attention and drama and getting a bunch of likes and clicks and it's disgusting. And you have no idea what you're watching also. You don't. And I actually, when you're describing this to me, I'm thinking about a scenario that literally happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was at the Pittsburgh airport. I ran into

Francis Ellis, who's one of like our closest guy friends. And him and I, and I, I very obviously switch seats on the plane to sit together. And if you saw us from like across the plane, you'd be like, those two are obsessed with each other. We were laughing, hanging on every word. We are dying, laughing, drinking. You would have exactly. Yes. We were certainly not talking about any love connection between the two of us. We were gossiping about him and his life. And Raina could have pulled her titty out. Raina could have been like, look at my third breast surgery and showed our good friend a scar on her titty. You know, like, I'm not saying you would people out of the plane. But I'm saying like, I also see a world on which you could have done this or

something. Yes. Like, that's a perfect example. From a few seats away, you'd have been like, these two are having an affair. They're in love with each other. And I'm like, we couldn't be talking about something further from that. That is a perfect example. I'm so glad you said that. And I just think, like, if you see something in the world and it hits you so deeply and you feel this need you have to tell someone, then be a real fucking detective and get to the bottom of it and tell that person privately. What are you doing, posting strangers on social media? filming people is weird in the fucking first place. It's so fucking weird.

Filming strangers posting it online. I mean, I just have such a problem with this. This, like, bother me for days. And we were checking in with our friend. And I was like, if he decides to make a statement, like, I will share it. But like, I'm not going to bring attention to it if they don't want that. You know, I just said, like, we'll amplify this if you want us to. Yeah.

But she was like, they just want to let it pass. And, you know, like, I know this guy and he's a good guy and he is a good family. And I just can't believe this. And like, then people just, they think they're these sleuths online, these social justice Warriors, like, then people posting photos of his wife. She doesn't deserve this. Look how beautiful she is. It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

She doesn't want to be on the internet either. Yeah, I know. I mean, I said to her, like, this is really easier said than done, but like, he just has to let it play out and that throw this to end. Because like, you have no recourse against the internet. Yeah. And, you know, if you're one of those people that was like in that girl's comments, like, yes, doing the Lord's work, this and that.

Like, whatever, that's your prerogative. But I just, I actually find the behavior like really disgusting. Well, I don't think it's well intention. Yeah. exactly again that goes back to what's your intention like rena said attention attention attention is your intention okay well you know i think that i hope we've made our points and have been helpful i think this stuff is there's not a lot of like black and white rules do this don't do this like just try to be mindful and and thoughtful and just keep people's feelings in mind you know like i think we all

it all worked up and excited out a cheater. But like, let's remind ourselves that on the other side of that is someone that's really going to be hurt by that news. Well said. That's on that. All right, guys. See you on the tour. 11 days. Girls Gottaeatteeat.com for those tickets where there are still some available. You can follow us at Girls Got to Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I'm Ash Hess. Raina's rana.org. Our other company, vibes only. And of course, subscribe on YouTube. share this episode with a friend and you'll hear from us again on Thursday. Have a good couple days, guys. Bye.