Girls Gotta Eat - Young Love feat. Comedians Mike Cannon and Mike Feeney

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

We're joined by comedians Mike Feeney and Mike Cannon who are absolutely hilarious, best friends (or so we thought), and happily married. We're talking to them about meeting your spouse at a young age, married life vs. single life, keeping the spark alive, and more. We play a game of Psycho or Power Move with one of the funniest stories we've heard yet, and also catch up on summer travel, new feedback on 69'ing, and a dating app update we're pissed about. We hope you love this one as much as we do! Follow Mike Cannon at Instagram @IAmMikeCannon and check his website for more. Follow Mike Feeney @IAmMikeFeeney and check his website for more. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Butcherbox: Go to butcherbox.com/gge and enter code GGE for $20 off your first box + free bacon for life. Openfit: Get a special extended 30-day free trial membership by texting GGE t 303030. Ritual: Get 10% off your first 3 months at ritual.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our sex life, people say it's got, like, oh, is it gotten stale? It's like, it hasn't gotten stale. It's gotten efficient. Like, it's essentially, it's like going to a Billy Joel concert where we are just playing the hits. No new shit. Everybody's happy. Like, that's what it is. Back to another episode of Girls E. Episode 71. What, what? It's pouring down rain. I always love recording when it is super shitty out. Okay. So the reason why I said 71st episode is because I'm still counting back from 69. Okay. Which was two weeks ago. I still remember it like it was. yesterday. It was such a great episode. It's probably my favorite episode of all time. I want to read you this email. We got it. I'm so excited.

This email came through. Subject line 69. Great. Great subject line. Great opener. Ladies. She's about lady. That's like Beyonce. Ladies. I'm about to turn 35. For the past 18 months, I have been 69ing with my friend with benefits on a regular basis. He is about eight years younger than me. We almost exclusively did that only for about seven months. He wasn't interested nor very good at sex itself. That has since changed, but I feel like

69ing is still the favorite in his heart. I don't think I would do it with anyone else, but I see the benefits for people who are into it. I see it as giving my partner the best angle for accessing, you know. Also, I find it more comfortable than sitting on his face. He seems to really like the angle slash view

even if it's just for digital penetration. We are both into anal, so the concerns you two mentioned aren't problems for us. Cheers. I'm this like in defense of 69. I can't believe you just said that. That was in defense of 69. I just love, there's a lot of things here.

Hey, I'm just kind of fucking this guy. He's eight years younger. He's terrible at sex, but he's great at 69. He likes it for this reason. I just love this in defense of 69. Also, you guys don't have sex, but you just like, high-tailed it to anal. She's like, you know, we don't really like normal penetrative sex,

but anal is always on the menu. We almost exclusively did 69 for seven months. He wasn't interested or good at sex. but they do anal. Anal? Okay, girl. I mean, I always remember Ian Kerner, one of like our earlier episodes,

just saying that like everybody's sexual preferences are like a wonderful wonderland. And it's like, I don't know. We got a lot of people messaging us about like in defense of 69. And it's like, yeah, if you like, just because I don't like it, doesn't mean you shouldn't like it. There's lots of stuff I don't like that I think it's probably great for sure.

Anyway, that is so funny. I love these emails. Oh, we got one that said, what do you think she was when she sent this email at her job? She's definitely like at her job at like LinkedIn. Yep. She's like, from my iPhone.

Maybe she was like on the train. We got another one, DM that from a lesbian. She said lesbians love it. Clearly she can't speak for all lesbians, but she was like 69 is great for us. Oh, absolutely. It's two vaginas.

Yes. And then another one said, this is crazy and I don't believe it. 69 is great standing up. What? I thought that was a joke. Oh. Right.

Because what are you going to flip someone in the air? Yeah. she's just doing like that. There's a yoga pose like that, right? Okay, so she was kidding. Right, it has to be a joke. Only if you're like a big, strong dude and a small girl could a guy flip you upside down and have you suck his dick and your legs are in the air and he's like, I mean, that's

Cirque to Sala shit. Who's about to fuck? And then they're like, let me make this a little more uncomfortable for me. Yeah. Like who is like, I just want to, I want to make this so terrible for myself. You're like suspended from it like certain. Which person is upside down the man or the woman? suck to Soleil, am I right?

So stupid. Wait, I'm serious. Who's upside down? Her? She puts her vagina? Like, who's tall enough to do this while one person is standing? That's what I'm saying. You gotta both be the same height.

Like, me, I'd have to be sucking off a midget. Right. I'm gonna get back to her. And I'm gonna say visuals, please. Picks or it didn't happen. I should have responded. Okay, guys. Sometimes I genuinely get scared when I read somebody's email and it says,

the photos blurred out. And I'm like, what am I about to open? Okay. Also, really send us your second. Yeah, please don't send us porn guys. Pictures. Send us porn recommendations all day. Actually, please don't do that either. Your DMs have been out of control. Um, uh, deep cut early on, which we, I mean, we have done this for over a year. We've 73 total episodes with our bonus episodes. I forget some of the shit we used to say. We used to always joke about the Snapchat dog filter. And people will DM us and be like, we tried it, which was always a joke. Basically, we said,

that if you're getting fucked from behind doggy style and you pull up Snapchat, you both could be in the dog filter. We just made this up. I think we were drinking. You don't remember what we used to drink. The girl did it. Some girl sent us a photo of herself getting railed doggy style with the dog filter on. That's right.

That's right. I will never forget. Yes. It's so funny. See her in my nightmares. True. See that little puppy face in your nightmares. Other people having sex is just not something I like to watch.

Ever. Guys, we have the funniest episode today. So we just record. with these guys and then they left and now we're kind of backing up to do the intro. Sometimes how we do things. Don't question us. And it's for our friends, Mike and Mike. It's so funny.

I haven't laughed. I had to leave the house studio for a minute in the middle of it. That's how funny it was. But we'll get to it, but just heads up. It's coming. Yeah, don't listen to this in front of your boss, maybe. But I have to wrap up this intro because I have to go to the airport. I'm going to Russia.

Okay. I have been using your trip to Russia to like get laughs on my own. Because I'm like, Rain is I like to say, really cash. Like I'm like, yeah, we got to do a bunch of stuff because Rain is going to Russia. And people are like, I'm sorry, what? I appropriated my trip.

I appropriated your trip for my own comedy. It's funny. It is funny. Nobody vacations there, no offense. So my mom, I'm going to read my mom in Russia. Oh, I do it. It's a two-part joke I'd like to do. I say you're going to Russia.

And then someone goes, wait, what? And I go, yeah, with her mom. I say it real casual. People don't know what to think. Yeah, people don't. I'm always like, I can't because I'm going to be in Russia. Everybody thinks it's a joke. Every time somebody asks me to hang out next week, I'm like, I can't.

I'm going to be in Russia. People think the joke. Okay, well, you wait and see. It's going to be beautiful. I'm leaving tonight on the ride. I'm going to Copenhagen, then Stockholm, then St. Petersburg, then Moscow. And I am so amped up.

I have no desire to go to Russia, but Copenhagen and Stockholm for sure. They look beautiful. Yeah, absolutely. I would love to go there. We don't talk about it a lot, but I travel a lot. I've been to a lot of places. But if you guys want a travel tip,

Ashley and I were like, what should we talk about? I'll give a travel tip. So my, I know summer's coming up, you guys are going on trips. One time I had a psychic tell me, she was like, I foreseeing your future a trip. I'm like, yeah, bitch is June. Everyone has a trip in their future. Yeah.

But anyways, my favorite travel tip is this website I use called Visit a City. You basically type in, it has every city, the world, basically. You type in the city you're going to and how many days it spits out it spits out it out. That's so great. And it gives you options, like if you want to shop a lot, or if you want like a kid-friendly thing or if you want like top attractions

and then it maps it out to it like makes sense. You like do five things a day and it's like well these things are near each other so do these things. That's so nice. It tells you how walking distance it each thing is and you can drop other things into it. It recommends tours and other kinds of travel things

so you can obviously like pay for different tours. So that's really fun in a really good way that I've found to travel. I love that. Travel tips. Yeah. Okay. I'll give a couple.

One of my number one travel tips is to get a good suitcase. I am a luggage shamer. and I have an away suitcase. Away is not sponsoring me or this podcast. So away to me, whatever, Samsonight, one that has four wheels that rolls, it has changed my life. Those lightweight away style suitcases, my luggage is away. But again, do what works for you.

I feel like it's such a game changer. I literally never have to drag a suitcase behind me. I just like lightly touch and it rolls right with me, the big one and the small one. And that's not even that expensive. That's not like to me prices. Like I just love a nice, easy suitcase to travel with. Yeah. And the first time you saw me dragging a suitcase through an airport, you shamed me so hard.

I didn't even know I should be shamed for it. Well, yeah, but that fucking suitcase was also broken and I had to put it in every overhead bin for you. I was like, I do not have upper body strength for this. So I am a big fan of the easy, rollable suitcases. And one thing I do, I think I mentioned this before is I, again, not a sponsor, but I do love class pass. And this is for workout classes. It toggles between cities. So, you know, I'm always like doing a yoga class or two or whatever when we go on the road for a while.

And I just set it up to that city. So if you have a class of membership, you can do, I love doing different workout classes in different cities. My dad's so funny. He's like, how does she find all these places? I'm like the internet, dad. Like, the same we find everything. It's so funny. Core Power is one, a yoga that I like to do on the road.

I did a great yoga place called Ritual in San Francisco. So I just love that and core powers drop in. But I just love like getting in like a good yoga class on the road or like if you're into like beach yoga and just do that. But I like that too. And obviously set up your hinge to hinge. That reminds me. Ashley's like, I'm going to go off on this. Don't try to stop me.

Like I've ever tried to stop you from one of your rants. That reminds me. I meant to roast Hinge. Hinge can go fuck. I am so pissed. So one thing that's been great about Hinge that people love. And how much love have we given Hinge? Like, we have been supporting them on our backs since we started this podcast.

Never promoted the episode that we had the mind. Now we never said this. I'm coming in hot. Hinge never even thanked us for that episode. We did an hour long ad for them with the founder. The episode, it is what it is. whatever you think of it. We're not going to share our full thoughts. Never even said thank you to us. Never even retweeted.

I get it. They're a huge company. Never so much as a retweet. Never so much. That's what I'm saying. Never said, thank you so much. Here's a link. Here's a link to the podcast. So never even said thank you for the hour long free advertisement for our app. Still continue to promote them. Now they're dead to me. Here's what they did. You used to be able to filter by height on hinge. That was the thing that people loved. Listen, I don't, for short shame, I said it last week. I'll say it again. I just want a guy that's my height. So I set my thing for 510, and that's what I want.

I don't see any guys under 510 and no guys under 510 are seeing me. That's how I like it. Also me too. I'm 5 feet tall. I can't be dating a 6'5 guy. And a guy doesn't want that either. If a guy's 5'7, he doesn't want a girl that's 6 feet or my height even. I loved the height thing.

What they did, they put the height screener in your preferred paid membership. They took something that people loved, that people appreciated that they've been getting for free since day one and are charging for it. I am fucking livid. What if we did that? What if we were like, hey guys, you know that cute little segment we play at the end? If you want to listen now,

you're going to pay for it, I'm just pissed. And what they're doing now, because they're being shady, is they want you to pay for it. So all the guys that they're showing me and my, like, explore page for me to like are short. Okay, here's my feelings.

I'm not as fired up as you. But I respect capitalism and the right to make money, right? And I respect somebody being like, here's the thing people want. We want to make a premium service that they can pay for. But you can't. take the number one thing that people have always gotten for free that most people will cite is one of the most important physical characteristics, if not the most important. Yeah. And be like,

well, you have to pay for it now. But here's the thing. If Hinge never would have had a height screener, then no big deal. But the fact that they have been giving you this thing for free. Yeah. Like, again, we started a Patreon. It was an extra service. What if we just started charging for one episode a month? How fucked up would that be? I'm just so pissed about it. You want to make money in your app? In app ads. You swipe on Bumble. Every third swipe is an ad. Happy to swipe away from it. I register with that. Everybody else, Spotify too. Yes, anything out. Like, I'm just so mad.

I'm so fired at myself. Feel so personally victimized. And I never touch shit on them when I should have. But they never thanked us for the episode that we did. And now I'm fucking pissed. And now I'm going to go to Denver and get all these shorties. Whatever. I already got something lined up for you with Denver.

Don't worry. He's tall. Rain is fucking God. All right. I'm done. I'm done with my hinge roast. Guys, stupid live shows. Speaking of Denver,

stupid life. Phoenix, I believe, is sold out. Yeah, Phoenix is sold out. The second night Minneapolis is not sold out yet. You can still get Atlantic City, the first night in Denver, a little bit of Salt Lake City. And then I think Toronto, Montreal are not sold out yet, almost in Toronto. And yeah, that's it. We actually are almost ready to announce all of our fall shows.

I think just maybe like another week or something. We'll pull us to that. But we are trying really, really hard to make sure that that is almost happening. Yeah, you guys, we have been working on it so hard. I hate that we've not announced like Pittsburgh in all these places, but it's coming. Also, just a quick thing. Again, you can get all these tickets. It's stupid live shows.com.

Girls got a podcast.com. And just one thing on the live shows, guys, sometimes these ticketing sites, the main one in particular, if you're on a Ticketmaster or Live Nation site, they do have a resale tickets. So sometimes you'll see ticket prices that are higher than we would ever charge. It's because they say resale. And one show in particular, Atlantic City, there are some different ticket prices that we didn't select either.

We kind of had to allow them to be able to. fluctuate due to demand. So we just want you guys to know that we're not out here charging obscene prices for tickets. We never would do that. We have our regular GA price and we have our meeting great price. And when you see something that's different, it's most likely a resale ticket. We have no control over that. And we just want to know, obviously, we are keeping you guys in mind. And we set these prices and sometimes things, factors are out of our control. Yeah. So if you see a $150 ticket, someone sent a resale site, like some StubHub site, so girls got a ticket for, what, $150,000? If somebody ever bought that, that would be the best

in my life. I think it was a typo of this girl. It's a little bit. It's $150,000 and she DMed and said worth it. I was like, I promise you it's not. Oh, actually, I'm glad that you brought that up, though. One thing the Ticketmaster does is that when a couple people DM this about this, just so you guys know, Ticketmaster, when it says the time of the show, a lot of times will write the door time and not the time of the actual show.

So our website will always have the actual time that the show starts. A lot of these places tell you like 6 o'clock, because that's doors, they want you to come hang out, have drinks, you know, whatever. But always look at our site for that. I think one that has been confusing people is Toronto. So what? Okay. One of them.

So what, doors are at 630 is probably what people's ticket says, right? And shows at 7.30. Yeah. Whatever it was, our site said 8 or something. But doors will almost always be open one hour before. Come, drink, do your thing. But yeah, we want to see you guys in all these cities, Atlantic City. Going to be so lit.

Been shopping for those Band-Aid dresses. And those strippers. All right. Do we have anything else? No, it's dead. I got to wrap us up. Go to Russia. Oh, my God.

Raina's got to go to Russia. Okay. you guys are in for such a treat okay we're really excited today in the house studio with us and Dewey we have two guests which we rarely do

but they're so great we couldn't split them apart just like me and Ashley they are New York City comedians they have a podcast which we have been on called Irish Goodbye which you guys should check out so please welcome to the studio

Mike Cannon and Mike Beanie Hi so so excited to be here you're Dewey's new dad now I mean I is Dewey Is he named after the beach? Yes. He is. We can pick that up right away, huh?

Well, I'm going there on Tuesday. What? Yeah, weirdly enough. I'm going there this weekend and leaving Monday. You're doing Christine's show? Yes. What? Yeah.

Should I not? That sounded horrified. I should have stayed. I mean, I'll do it in August. I'll headline. They put me in the marquee. Three years and running. It's so great.

That's so crazy. My brother works there. Oh, no kidding. Wow, this is so exciting. Last year. She said that's the guy I liked. Okay, I actually was in the car on the way to Dewey Beach with Dewey in the car

and it still never clicked that he was named after Dewey Beach. She wasn't roasting you. She really was like, wow, you picked up on that quick. I still don't know what Dewey Beach is. Okay. The only, it's a beach in Delaware. Really funny. But there's a comedy show.

There's the best bar. My brother doesn't work sale. They do a comedy show. Christine, Stearnberg started it with, well, this other guy kind of runs it because she's not in TV. She's not in a beach. It's kind of Matt. Yeah, it's so crazy.

Yeah. Brendan Sagalo and I are doing the show. show and we're going to take mushrooms after. Do it. It's so excited because it's on the beach, right? Well, the only other Dewey I know is the Decimal System. The decimal system. Now I have three. And then isn't

the like fake, retarded security guard from the like mock scary movie? Wasn't he named Dewey? Deputy Dewey. Yes. And they called him Duffy. It's Courtney Cox's David Arquette. Yes.

Please him. Friends forever. Unbelievable. But I can't just, what you guys need to understand is Dewey is laying under your legs. Like, he cannot be close enough to you. He's a full... He has chosen you. Yeah.

Sorry, Dan Soder. It's over. He could feel your fatherly energy. We'll get to it. So, yeah, I want to introduce you guys. So you are like best friends. New York City. You're both married.

We just found out actually last episode that we're not necessarily best friends. Feeney was talking about another story in a remote place. And he was like, oh, my best friend, so and so. I hate one. I snap. I hate it. I'm always like my best friend, my other best friend. I hate it.

Wait, you guys are not best-eat- He made the distinction. You made the- your name's the same and everything? He said they made the distinction, you have brothers and you have best friend. So then I clarified, he was a brother,

and then he was like, oh, he's a brother. Like, he still got mad at him. Honestly, I feel like I should be on the highest level of whatever interpersonal relationships you're curating. You're up here. I feel like you and I.

You just hit my arm and I literally just instinctually popped a muscle. I got to do it. I can't let anybody see me weak. Canaan and I are Eskimo sisters. What? We got dickpins.

Oh my God. Gosh darn right. We both docked with the same fella. The same guy sends us dickpicks. You got damn right. Yeah. Chrissy Pick. You need to.

Well. Chrissy dick pick. No, we're going to explain. Listen, this guy, I was telling Mike, sent me a dick pick recently. And Mike jumps in and goes, which one? Yeah. I've seen literally all of them. And I've helped curate, like, a good, a good angle to send.

certain type of girls, right? Like girls that he doesn't want to be like two up front with and then like the full fucking spikely shot where it's like down the pee hole. It's like, you know, that's the one I got. I got like, right down the barrel of the gun. I got like pants down, dick in the fist.

Nice. Like really staring. Did you see that one? Do you see them? Of course I've seen. Mike took the picture. Not to mention, I've been live while Chris looked at one of your former guests, the former owner of

this dog, Dan Soder. I believe he looked down his pee hole. whole this is years ago because there was like some sort of STD scare. It was great. It was that Soder's apartment in a story. No, no. It was the opposite because Chris is a physical therapist. So of course that means he can see what's wrong with

your penis at any time. Mostly it's just guys looking at dicks. Wait, is crazy physical therapist? He used to be, yeah. Yeah, he has a doctorate. Like beyond I mean, yeah, do you believe that Barney Rubble has a fucking doctorate and how to stretch your elbow? It's not going to be how to get through this.

So Dan was like, dude, I think my dick, I might have SED. And Chris was like, let me look in, look, let me look into it. I'm not a guy of college as well, take a look. Yeah, I've seen Pete Davidson's dick in the same fashion. Is it huge? It is a, it's a good piece. Yeah. What is it?

Big old donger. That's 10 inch, right? Yeah. I saw Arisher fear the other day. And all I think about when I see him is big old donger. Ari is dick's big, but it's really these balls are water. That's the, that's the show horse of the package because that is literally the carriage before the horse. Yeah, I mean, it is two grapefruits that it just has...

Is he a disorder? I mean, it might be some sort of elephantitis because it's unhealthy. I think so. I get out of here. But one of my buddies, Rob, who's a teacher, he, I've seen his... You want to talk about his days? Well, his balls mostly, but his balls are similar to where he has a fine penis, but his balls dwarf it. Like, it's a joke. It looks like, it looks like legitimate, like, bigger than golf ball smaller than a baseball but like healthy in the middle and his dick is like you know a five and a half inch average penis and then but it looks like a young boy owns it because he just it's surrounded by planets I don't sure you guys showing each okay is this like a comedian thing or all guys out here like showing each other each other's dick pics we might

be different in this yeah I think we are different in this are you wait are you brothers or besties are you brothers are do you guys we're good friends yeah I got it's also We're business partners We're okay We have a business Together How about that?

How long have you guys been friends? Eight years I guess Yeah So not since like childhood Last week Your anniversary? I know our anniversary It's October 9th

What's your guy? Really? I don't know but I remember where and how we met Because it was in the It was in the basement of the village lantern And you were with Schultz

And you were both wearing The exact same outfit And I mocked you for that And then we immediately started writing a pilot together It was the weirdest. You asked me, you're like, hey, you want to meet up and maybe write this thing? And I was like, I got nothing going on.

Right. Let's piss on the way. And all these years later, we still got nothing. Ashley and I were like, I got nothing going on. I was like, you want to start this podcast? Wait, I just, at this vision of you guys as little, like, friends when you were kids. Like going up together. I feel like we give off that energy.

A lot of people will say that too. He really do. I think because we both grew up right outside the city, but on opposite, he was, he was Rockland and I was Long Island. So it was like, but we. both had that near the city energy. Yeah, and similar, you know, brothers and friends and close, you know,

relations with people at home where I, you know, when I give my heart to a friend, I fucking give it. So that's why it hurt me so much when he was like, not my best friend. I mean, is laughing off mic because she doesn't know whether to be embarrassed or not. I know. It would really help if the people knew you were laughing and enjoying me. When we're laughing hard as silent,

like my heart is laugh is dead silent. There is nothing more upsetting. I like land like a rock hard joke and she just laughed silently. When I'm like gasping for breath, first of all, also you guys have the same name. It's so cute. You're just like Mike and Mike.

Yeah. Yeah. It was a very popular name in the late 80s. Yeah, well, I was mid, but okay. Oh,

yeah, I forgot. But yeah, we, same name. We both have two cats. We both enjoy weed and mushrooms. We both have been with our significant others for a substantial amount of time.

It's, uh, that's why we can't get hired. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's, that's the positive way to put it.

Okay, so spoiler alert, you guys are married. Yes. Yes. Thank you for rolling your eyes while saying that. She actually threw up in her mouth. It wasn't. Yeah, that's probably why you, one of the reasons why you bond to much. I feel like in your,

I mean, your comedians, I don't know the, like, monogamy and long-term relations to marriage is, like, valued as much. Certainly not. You know, it probably makes you less funny. It's a often snickered at as a marriage. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I just did. Absolutely. It's probably the same, like, the reason I got, or how I got close with Chris, was we met when we first started. comedy and we both immediately were like, oh, you played college basketball? I played college basketball.

So in this ever-present nerd factory that is comedy, we instantly vibed off of that. And similar to with me and Mike when we were like, oh, you've been with this person for a long time and you're not a complete piece of shit to her. Yeah. Me too. That's great. Let's hang. The other thing you find weird in comedy, you do find some people that have been together a while and you're just like, I never knew you had a wife because you are with a different woman every time I sit. You know what I mean? And they're like, and that's, yeah, that's just one of those weird. If you're going to do it, why do that. Yeah. Right. So yeah, you guys probably bond over the fact that like you have these weird values where you're like nice monogamous guys. Weird values. Yeah. Weird values. But you guys and I want to say because you're, are we about the younger listener baseball? I mean, I think so. But you're 31, 34. 34. I mean, that's even in New York. That's kind of, you got to be married. The one is the younger one just to, for the, just for, I'm just making sure that the listeners know that. Sorry. Mike. Feeney is the 31 year. We are decent friends.

It's got to continue to come down. Like, no one's going to be like, is that feigny or can, no one gives a shit. No, nobody. Nobody even knows which one of us is talking. Yeah. And you have a baby on the way. I have a baby on the way in five and a half weeks. Keep punctuating that.

Yeah. And, okay, should we tell our story how we met you guys? Yeah, speaking of, like, meeting and becoming friends, we thought we would tell on the show how we met you guys, which is that we were at a party. We hated everyone there. And we tried to Irish exit. And then we met you guys. We like the host. We were there for a friend's birthday, but it just wasn't our crowd.

No, similar. And it's daunting. Like, I don't do that a lot where I go into a social situation where I know one or two people. Like, that's it. You know, and really with no tether to be able to talk to anybody. Did we walk in together? Yeah, of course. You made me wait outside for a substantial amount of towel.

Oh, for sure. You guys have to go together that party. It was intimidating. Well, Cannon waited for you in the rain outside. He texted me and said, I'm outside, but I'm not, I'm going to wait to buzz. First off, it wasn't raining and he waited one minute. Uh-huh. And also he said he wasn't a lot, a lot.

Mediocre friends. But we went to this party, Ray and I went to this party, because it was a guy that invited us to his birthday. We both wanted to be friends with them. So we're like, we'll go to his birthday party. We were there for 30, 45 minutes. And we're like, I don't want to talk shit. We just wasn't our crowd. We just weren't having a good time.

People seemed to know each other. We weren't vibing with the crowd. We're like, let's just go drink or eat somewhere. We're leaving. And then the host of the party. He's like, have you guys met Mike and Mike? And we're like, no. And we, like, I feel like our energy is met.

And he was like, you guys were married. And we were like, I'm done with them. But they were like, comedians. Yeah. We both had get the fuck out of here, energy. That's what I think it was. But anyway, bottom line, we like bonded. We stay there for like three more hours.

We shot the party down. We were on our way out. And then we met you two. And then we became a click and no one could penetrate it. And then that was the rest of the party. They kept trying to get in. There were other comics that showed up later. They were like, hey, want a hit of this vape pen?

We're like, beat it. We're having a moment. Yeah. I think I literally boxed him out. Yeah, and then we were, and the reason that I was like, okay, these two are very cool and we seem to have a good amount of common. But where the relationship really took off was over the drinking. And once we started to have it, once the tequila, I think I got a drink and I think you

might have said something like, that's not enough tequila. And I was like, she's the one. Thank you. But you, Mike Cannon, 34 year old dad to be. Yeah, yeah. We're not. Just make me as uncastable as possible. You were not silver fox, Mike.

Yeah, yeah. You were not. Rose feet. Mike, we think you're hot. Skin blotchy. We were both fuck you. Everybody talks about it. Oh, that's so nice.

It's great. Tell Bobby Kelly. Wait, but do you know this? Like, women lately have been like, Mike Kim looks hot. Do you know this? Oh, no, I didn't know that. Serving people besides me?

No, so we were talking about it with them. I've been saying it. That's great. But I think it was Nikki. You just help put the wall in frustration. But you have, where I was getting was that you've lost weight. You look great because you are not drinking while your wife is pregnant. Yeah, I haven't been boozing for over six months.

A nice, great, sweet thing. I mean, I did it, like, I did it for me as well. Like, it's a nice challenge to take up and act as though I'm this, you know, delightful husband that is like, I'm totally doing it for my wife. But it's one of those things where, like, I love drinking and I can certainly push it to the limit and I can, like, the post-day anxiety and depression had just gotten too much for me. So I was like a real long, healthy reprieve might be good for everybody. Good.

You feel like you'll go back, like, after, like, not drinking, like, yeah. Where do you go back from here? I don't know. I'm really enjoying weed uncut. Like, it's the best. I usually, I'm a big mixer of alcohol and pot and that can just really spiral. You can go crazy. Well, you guys know with a suicide note.

Yeah. We talked about in your podcast. Okay. All right. So you've been with, sorry, I interrupted. No, I want to hear your guys like love stories. Yeah, that's where I was going with this anyways. I feel like Ashley and I, we're sisters.

So we always are going the same place. That sounds like a nice relationship. You all about the weed paranoia thing. I had that at your party. You were like paranoid that I was just drinking and having a great time And then a couple other comics were like here's a joint Here's a joy And then like with it it felt like the second we got done smoking that everyone that I knew Beside you two left and then I was like alone and then I just was like you

They hated you Yeah They were like who's that guy with the cap tab Yeah The sweet sweet cat He's muttering to himself Yeah I was like should I just jump? Is that what I?

But So anyway the story of love. No, I'm sorry to tell you. The consensus came back. We just kept you there to carry the hummus downstairs. No, I've fucked plenty of guys with cap tats. I'm not hitting on you, but it was one time I got, I slept with the guy with from

Baltimore. One calf was the Ravens and one was the Orioles. Oh, no. Wow. Yikes. And I didn't know. Can that guy fuck? Yeah.

Oh, well, he was definitely an iron worker or something. But I didn't want to bring him out. No. We were hooking up and then I was, and then he wanted to. come meet my friends. I'm like, oh, you don't, this is not what this is about. Yeah. Yeah. Also, if you do ever come meet anybody, you have to wear full-length pants. Yeah, you have two birds on your legs. And no linen. No? It can't be see-through. It's got to be a strong enough material. Where he always has a bag of a pair of jeans in this car.

Close. Yeah, you guys have an interesting story. Both of your wives because you've been with them forever. Yeah, Phenis. You can go first. Mine, mine less than than him. But I, you Yeah, we met in college, which was crazy. And it's like, it's such a, it's a weird, complicated story. But I guess the easy way, she was a year older. So I was a freshman. She was a sophomore. And I was working as one of those like work study, like make some extra money,

like $8 an hour kind of a thing, working the front desk of her dorm building. And my roommates came by one of the first shifts that I had to be awesome roommates. And they brought me like this Dunkin' Donuts cup full of beer so that I could drink on the job, you know? And so she gave. It was not good for safety protocol. I mean, it's literally what we do now. Right. Just tell you for the future.

What college was it? Iona in New Rochelle. Okay. So they came and they gave me the, they gave me the beer and they're just kind of standing there, bullshitting. And then she comes down from the elevator. And my one roommate actually, I guess it was right when like Facebook was really

blowing up and they were from the same town, which was like a very small town in Connecticut. So they were, they both, like he just, like must have hooked up with, you know, linked up with they're on Facebook. It was like, hey, you're the girl from there. And they all, like, literally my three roommates, like, wolves started hitting on her aggressively, you know, like, everyone's like flexing, you know, and doing that thing. And I was just sitting behind the desk, like the, like play it cool, like I don't give a shit kind of attitude. Not like dismissive, but just kind

of not peacocking. And she would later say that that was why she was way more interested to me than anybody else because I was just kind of playing like I don't give a shit. And then, I love guys that ignore me, don't pay attention to me. I want to date all of that. Yeah, I was very good. Nobody wants to bang the guy that does cartwheels. Yeah, exactly. So I was, I was, you know, we had eventually talked later on. I was like, oh, I'm sorry for them and stuff like that. And then when I would work, whenever she would, like, be leaving or whatever, we would just- traitor to your sex. We would just- Sorry for those guys trying to, yeah. It only,

it only worked out with eternal love. But yeah, what a dumb idiot. You're like, Jamie Kelstein did though. You're like, listen, I know, they're aggressive and toxic masculinity, but I'm here as the white knight. Oh, and we had so much, we had so much, like, we had a lot in common and stuff like that. And this was the part that I knew that I was like, oh, this might be, I remember saying either to my friends at home or just maybe to myself, I said, this is the first girl that I know that if I don't, like, my goal is not to try to have sex with her. Like, I would love to have sex with her.

But if we don't have sex and she's just my friend, like I'm totally cool with that, which was like the first time in my life I had. thought about that, you know, since becoming like a guy with, you know, since becoming, yeah, since you're coming into your homosexuality. Yeah. And I was, and then, and then it really, and then she ended up, so then I was with, at the same time that when we met, I was with a different girl and she was with somebody else. Both of us got cheated on by the other and, uh, thank God. And so, yeah, you were, dating when you met her. Yeah, I mean, like, just some girl, some girl I hooked up with in college and we're like, we're dating now because I didn't know how that. But you weren't totally single.

Okay, cool. So you guys did start his friends. Yeah, yeah. So we did start his friends. And then she was actually that first time she was walking out, she was walking out to the courtyard to go break up with her boyfriend who she found out was cheating on her. So then a weird thing was that the girl that I was with, she went back to him, you know, a couple weeks later, a drunk hookup, you know, post breakup. Let's have sex again one more time. And when she went to his apartment in the dorm room, she was walking to his room in the suite. And in another dorm room room was his roommate having sex with the girl that I was. was with. What?

So then she got to be like, by the way, she's cheating on you. By the way, I saw her having a good time. Yeah, she was like, I saw her full back naked riding him. Like, he was just fucking with the door open. That's great. I've done that. So then I had to approach, so then I had to approach the girl and be like, was this?

And then she was just like, oh, yeah. Like, she just would know. Yeah. Well, you just were bonded. Yeah. So then we bonded through both being, both being hurt like that. But it was, yeah. And then it was just kind of, it was just a weird.

And then there was all that, like, the guy was like, don't fucking date or I'm going to get back with her. You know, like the, he was like a big sports douche or whatever. Yeah. An athlete. Yeah. So, and then did you date ever since? Yeah.

I mean, literally ever. You never broke up. Never broke up. No. I mean, it was. And then once we graduated college, like, you know, once it was, I graduated a year early because I was like, I had college credits going in. I was like, I could either graduate a year early.

And I just, for me, I was like, I wanted to be out of college because I was like, I wanted to I hated school. I was like, I just want to start making money and just like, or just do, just be living on my own. You went to do so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I want to start getting paid.

$15 a day. Yeah. I am negative. Do I have to give $5 to do this open mic? Sure. I am negative $37,000 at the moment. But climbing out that hole. And so when, you know, when we graduated, it was like either she can move back to

Connecticut and live with her. I could live on my dad's couch in, you know, she is one bedroom. She is the tanness person that has ever existed in Connecticut. Yeah. She's a, she's a southern Italian. and so she's got a very olive skin. Yeah. And then so it was like,

You do not. No, I do not. I am very, this is the most tan I've ever been, actually. If you guys are like picturing what he looks like, he's like a younger John Mullaney. Yeah. Yes.

Very much. That has that much younger either. Yeah. Right. I know. You have like a baby face Malini. Yeah. He gets that in a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got, he's got Kennedy head. Like he's got that. No, they have swollen heads.

Hair. Kennedy hair. The whole thing. Loyalty. Barely friends. Not like brothers at all. But it's been good. I mean, she's great.

And she's also, she was at the first comedy. The first time I ever did comedy was at college. So she was there for the first show. And that's how I say, I don't know. Yeah, it's been like 11 years now. And that's why I don't understand. That's like the one thing I'm very happy about being in a long-term relationship is that everybody in comedy, it's like, we have so much to worry about at all time

and trying to build our career and get funny and do it. So I can't imagine trying to also wedge in like, like, Tinder, meeting. meeting, dating, do we have sex? Is she going to call me? You know, all that. And then being like, oh, we should meet and get to know each other. But by the way, I'm not available any nights or any weekends. And at the drop of the hat, I will cancel our plans to do literally five minutes in a basement somewhere. Not to mention stand-up needs way more Tinder jokes. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Swiping jokes. But I mean, yeah, and exactly what you just described is why ladies, don't try to date comic. I've been trying to last year. I can't do it. I'm never going to see him. You're trying to date a comic? I was just like this guy. Any comic. Oh yeah. Don't do. Yeah.

It's hard. It's hard for sure. So has she always supported your dreams? She really, I mean, she's the number one fan. Yeah. Up until recently, actually. She's super cool of it. And then lately she's like, I kind of want you to stop.

No, now she's, now she's actually reaping the benefit of it. I have context now where I was able to get her tickets. We went to watch what happens live and which she's like obsessed with that. Yeah. So she's just like, so now she's like, keep going. Who else do you know? Is it hard? I guess you're going to say no because you do it for a living.

But like I don't know if I, like, if I was in a long-term serious relationship, like, I worry about the future of my own comedy. Like, what would I talk about if like every guy on earth wasn't so terrible to me? Like, if I didn't like fuck a guy in my building who was currently ghosting me and like I see him in the elevator like every other day and like what would I talk about otherwise? You've never done that. You've never done comedy single. That's true.

You've never had to. I mean, I have like bad, you know, you have like terrible dating stories from before that or whatever, but also it's like, yeah, I mean, I also think some, a lot of the best comics on the planet are all married. I mean, like, no one really talks, what worries, like, thinks about if they're married, but it's like, yeah, it's like, Seinfeld, Bill Burr, like, all these people are, like, like, like you said, not having that to worry about, actually opens you up to focusing on other shit. Like, all of a sudden, I have recreational thoughts about existence. You're so right. It's not just about dating, yeah. And especially a sex life, too, it's like,

you have, you hook up with a girl one night's day and you have bad sex and you're worried about it. then you're trying to like have sex with four girls to make up for that in your own head. And it's like, you know, there's that cliche of people go like, oh, you only have sex with one woman. And I like, you know, this is like a dumb thing I say on stage or whatever. But our sex life people say it's got like, oh, is it gotten stale? It's like it hasn't gotten stale. It's gotten efficient. Like it's essentially, it's like going to a Billy Joel concert where we are just playing the hits, no new shit.

Everybody's happy. Like that's what it is. Why would you want anything else? Right. I feel like sometimes somebody says something so profound on their show. And I'm like, that's the opening up. That's it. I know.

Beautiful. Wait, hold on. Have you just had sex with her? What? Have you, is the only person you've ever slept with? No, no, no. Oh, okay.

And also in college, you know, when we first were, you know, courting in college, you know, it's like we met freshman year. It was like, but we were still kind of like hooking up with other people and stuff. Like, it was weird. We were, like, talking each other. She was, but even after, like, we both had that breakup, like, we kind of were talking and stuff like that. But she was, she started hooking up with this other guy.

And then she would ask me for advice to be like, ah, he's kind of ghosting me or he'll fucking, you know, like, she'd be like, he didn't write back. And he's trying to use my meal card. Like, all these kind of, like, college, like, things, you know? He just likes me for my meal card, but he's, he fucking really lays it down in the bedroom. I'm like, hey? I'm behind his name. I was like, it sounds like a real piece of shit, this guy.

You should get rid of him. Guess he also lays it down and has his own meal card. Yeah. Fun fact, she later used my meal card that bitch. No, she's the best. What were you going to ask? I was going to let my canon talk a little bit about his life. What?

I was just going to like, I want more question before we move on. Actually, you know what? You're not going to talk. No, it's fine. I'm actually interested in this. Yeah, thank you for being here on the time. I have a question before we move on to your love story. Have you, because, you know, when you're in comedy, like you start doing comedy,

you're kind of struggling, like, in general. Have you guys, has she ever had to, like, support you financially? No, I'm, I'm too Irish proud for that. Okay. I had a day job up until not long ago. Oh, you did? Like, I always, like, yeah, I always would either bartend or worked in beer. Like, I did jobs.

I would never, I can't imagine. imagine. That's the one thing. You know, like, they say finances ruin relationships. So it's like, that's, and that's just most any relationship. So to have, uh, you know, for me to just be like, I'm just going to go full blown. I don't really subscribe to that. You have to be a starving artist kind of model for it to work. I think that's great. I think that's being a good partner. Look, there's nothing wrong with either. Like some people have arrangements and one of them pursues their passion. You make no money for a while. And then, you know, then overnight, maybe you're Seinfeld. I don't know. I will say this. She has said to me many times, like,

her goal is she doesn't really like she's not like I want to do this with my life she said she's the say like I would love to make enough money to support both of us while you do that so like that's where her intention is but mine is like I wouldn't you know good it sounds like you guys are that's the perfect match she'd be happy to do it but you're like you don't need to right yeah I was like but maybe if you do get well you can try it I would accept the handout yeah all right we're going to move on to um 34 year old dad to be yes yep uh available for any TV project. Yeah, I met my wife on the blacktop fifth grade play.

Oh my gosh. Like after school, like when everybody was lining up for the bus. And we were... I think Dewey's jealous. You have another kid on the way. Yeah, absolutely. He's explained his hand in the amount of dog hair in between each finger. I thought you were wearing.

I literally looked like I fingered a werewolf. Dewey doesn't act like this. It's like the second you stop petting him, he gets upset. I've never seen him act like this. And also, I talked about my wife. wife and he's like what about me. Yeah, that's what happened. He started talking with his wife and Dewey like went like to bite him. I know. I'm sorry. I'll never, I'll never talk about her again. Maybe we use a code name for her. Yeah. Frank. Frank. That's the name of my dead cat.

Oh no. Perfect. Perfect. So Frank, I just started hysterically crying. How did Frank die? We had to put him down. He got a progressive cancer out of nowhere. This isn't a funny story. No, it's a bad. So you were on the black top. Yes. So back to you and Frank are catching a bus. So me and Frank are catching up. Uh, No, yeah, we were catching the bus. We actually, at this point, she, because we ended up starting to live next door to each other in fifth grade. What town was this?

This was in Blauvelte, New York. Have you guys done levity yet at the Palisade Center? It's like five minutes away from there. We weren't on the same bus at this time. I think she was just about to move. She was wearing a Charlotte's Hornet starter jacket. What? I used to wear those.

I had been in the colors. I think that's a girl, the bright. You wanted the colors. Well, that was purple and turquoise. And not to mention Alonzo Morning and Larry Johnson. and were kind of a big deal duo as well in the 90s. So I think it made it okay to wear. Yeah.

But like I just, it was, we just love purple as middle school girls. Like I needed to have the Phoenix suns. Windbreak and orange. Absolutely. I started Jack. I had a big puffy.

Yeah, with the big pocket. Yeah, yeah, the pullover. Never the full zip. Yeah, I remember like the poor kids had apex.

I was like, oh. That is hysterically accurate. That's so funny. I had apics, Jack. I remember, like a single team. just more into myself.

God, back to the dog story. Just don't even wear it. Wear like something from Burlington if you're going to, don't wear a knockoff starter jacket. No, you're right, you know. My dad made money for like 18 months and didn't buy me anything. It's why I'm like cripplingly, like all I do is spend money on pot and sneakers. I think he's, come here.

I just need to. He's being kind of obnoxious. I like him. He's good. You're happy. Yeah, yeah. So you're on the black top. All right.

This is how every one of our podcast starts. I tried so hard to talk about my canon. I got like three minutes in action. Like, let's take a break. Yeah. So we're back. No, I get it. We're back.

We're still on the black top. Perfect. I mean, we're not really. She ended up moving in next door. We immediately, like, hugged and we were boyfriend, girlfriend. But we grew up her. Fifth grade, right? Fifth grade, yeah.

10 years old. Yeah. And so my wife, my best friend, Timmy, and myself were like three inseparable friends. And we played basketball, like, hard. core every single day. My wife is really good at basketball. She made varsity as a freshman. And I credit myself and my friend Timmy with training her because we broke her nose like a minimum of three times. Everything I have is owed to a man. Yes. Specifically a white man. This is what I'm saying. Varsity. Since she was varsity as a freshman, I'd like to one up you here and say I was JV as a junior.

Nice. I mean, at your height, that is the saddest I could. I was forced to play basketball. I could just imagine. I was this height in middle school. Like I was basically JV as a junior. And I was great at soccer. Not great. Come on, let's be serious. But like,

just they forced me to basketball. No kidding. Hated it. Were you good? No. I hated it. But that's why I was a J.B. Junior.

And then finally I was like senior year. I was like, I'm done. I'm going back to cheerleading. Like I said, I was a cheerleader. Anyway, keep going.

But I always like, one of my exes found that out that I was a J.B. Junior and never let me live down. He would like make memes. Like, he found my old basketball pictures. I don't even like this guy at all, but the memes he made about her are so funny.

He dug up a bunch of old pictures. It was, yeah, I'll show you. I don't have that connection with anybody. Nobody's made me memes. We can make you one. That'd be great. Just send us the picks in your knockoff starter jacket. I'll try, but honestly, I do think that they've been lost in my parents' divorce.

So I did steroids for a little while, and there's a bunch of pictures while I was in that phase of me also being 205 pounds with, like, traps up to my ears. And just, like, basically frothing from the mouth because everything was. was going to shit in my life and I was just a maniac. How tall are you? Six one. I also played professional poker at that time too in clubs in New York City. Yeah, I had like a real checkered. So bad to the blacktop.

You're so dynamic. I used to be. Okay. So you guys played basketball. You and your wife and Timmy. Yeah. And you know. Why does that sound so condescending?

And it's totally true. Timmy just sounds really condescending. I'm also bored by this. Look, here's the only thing I want to know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would have you guys other people. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And she has as well. I would not. What's your track record of 10 to now? Like you guys were a little kid together. Were you together high school college? Like, so, you know, as when your kids, you go out and all that stuff, but you don't really go out. But we dated in fifth grade for like a month or two, you know, whatever. Yeah. Then we dated again in sixth grade when we made it to high, to middle school. And like that was like when you established real relationships. You'd walk hand in hand in the hallway or shit like that. Then we dated for like nine months in seventh grade. And then eighth through to college, we didn't date, but we always hooked up when we were on breaks from our significant others.

So like we wouldn't, we were never anything official, but we'd like break up every month or two with somebody we were dating and then always hook up. So yeah, oh no, or actually not eighth. We, fuck it. We dated ninth and tenth. And tenth is when we lost our virginity to each other. Okay. And did you go to the same high school?

Yeah. Yeah. And like when you, after that, were you friends in high school? We were, so there was a definite period. of time where we legitimately had hatred for each other. And I think it's because we just... After sex? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. After the sacks. She was dating somebody else, another mic, weirdly enough. And why'd you just flip your hair like that? I mean, you know. It could have been. I made trips up to...

It's amazing. Wait, but like with the age difference, you were in seventh grade. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot how much older. That's super creepy. Some kids like the fuck. You never know. Some guy.

I was getting blown in the middle school hallway. Oh, my God. By a seventh grade. In seventh grade. Yeah, yeah. I was also seventh grade. Please specify that by a seventh grader. I mean, nobody listens to this, right?

I mean, we can say whatever we want on our show because it's like shouting into a hurricane. But on this, people are actually paying attention. I feel like that's a buddy joke. Like this one time I was getting blown by a seventh grader. But then the punchline's like, I was in seventh grade too. Oh, that's how I talk about sex with my wife. I say I talk about, well, also I had a joke that truly didn't go. over and I'll explain why.

But I had a joke about, is it gross if I masturbate to the memory of my wife's 15-year-old vagina? Oh my gosh. We have some, this, I guess we can't give it away. It was something we do at our shows. But yeah, this girl talks about how some guy, she knows, his favorite memories. Yeah, like a ninth grade hookup. Yeah.

Which because then when you're, yeah, if you're 30 plus, you're masturbating to like teenage. In fairness, I don't have gray hair in this fantasy. but that's why you're jerking it to it's your hair color. It's not weird though. It's not weird because you live. It's my experience, right? Yeah. The youngest thing I jerk it to is 19 year old me with 19 year old Thomas Michael at the

Cheesecake Factory. In this restaurant? We used to fucking his car after the restaurant a lot. Yeah, it was a big car guy too. Yeah, you know, it was him in that all white cheesecake factory outfits. Everything is all white. It's so cool. Smelling like all the food.

Oh, yeah. A man in white jeans just really nice. It really rubs me up. You could see where he peed last. Oh, my God. I hope his current wife isn't listening to this. So back to your 15-year-old, your wife's 15-year-old vagina. Yeah.

So you guys, then when were you like dating for good and got married? So when we first started dating, dating for good and like, you know, this is a date that's like kind of in dispute because we weren't necessarily official for several months. But our anniversary is February 3rd, 2008, when the New York Giants beat the, Patriots to ruin their perfect season. Okay. And so at this point you're like 20, 20, 27. 23. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, 23 or just about to turn 23, I should say. So did you go to college? I did. I did. Yeah, I went to Geneseo up near Rochester. She did. She went to Syracuse.

She went to, which I visited her. And I also had, she was in the fashion program. And I also dated a long-term relationship with another girl that went to Syracuse and she was a new house. So I had visited both of them separately in the same school while they were both. going. Yeah, when you're on the roids? One of them. Yeah, yeah. My wife never got the benefit of me being a silverback gorilla just lurching on top of her

and then, you know, coming if I come. But the other girl, yeah, she took an absolute beating. So you guys graduated college and you like got back together. Honestly, I don't even know if she had a good time. I think she did. But like I was just like, I picture you're trying to come. It's like the sound when you like really charge up a super soaker, but it's out of water just as like, that is exactly.

Yeah. Not just the sound, the whole experience. That's what it is like. You just check my tire pressure on my pussy? Like turning off a long sprinkler. Just real jizzled out. I feel like I've had sex with so many of you. So many silverback gorillas.

All of your brethren, they were just like hulked on top of you. And they were like, oh, did you finish? No. No, no. No, Chad. You just breathed hot milk in my face. Oh, my gosh.

Okay. Anyway, well, let's say you guys are married. You got a kid on the way. Yeah, I got a kid on the way. The dick works. It worked the one time I used it. Like, we've, we'd never had a scare ever. So in 19 years of us having sex, we never had a scare.

And the night before I left for the Middle East, I was like, I went to. Oh, Mike didn't tell you he was in the military for 36 years? I was also a highly skilled paratrooper. Long-range sniper. Green Beret. I wrote the Don't ask, don't tell bill. You got your fight. Zero Dark 40 is about it.

So this is last year, last November, and I went over there to Jordan, Kuwait, and Bahrain to perform. Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought you were like in the military. No, no. I knew what he met. He just dropped it.

Like Jared Fried went recently, too. Yeah. He just dropped it really like casually. So what I was in the Middle East, man. Before I went on tour. Saw a lot of stuff. But yeah, the night before. I was leaving, I was like, I was like bragging that I was a hero and shit for going over there.

And I was kidding. And I was like, I'm going to be like a real soldier and like blow one in you before I go away. So like my seed will live on. Like only an articulate soldier can. Just like just real. Yeah, just really paint the walls. So I really super soak the shit out of.

It sounded the exact same. So I and literally as I was coming. I go, I'm deploying. Dewey, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to hear that, do it. And then the day I got back, she was like, I, she's like, hey, how are you? I smoked pot for the first time in 12 days. And I was on Saturn.

I was out of my mind. And she took that as like, oh, he's weak. I'm going to drop the biggest bomb of his life on him. And she was like, hey, how you doing? Welcome back. I feel weird. I think I should take pregnancy tests. And I'm just like, like, okay.

this is great. And she's like, yeah, I have one right here. So you had one in her pocket. And then took it in the bathroom, you know, went to the bathroom on it, got in the shower immediately, which I found, like, in hindsight, I was like, oh, that's a kooky thing that she didn't wait for the result. And then, like, got in the shower, like eight minutes later. She's like, all right, can you check it? I walk in, look at the test. It's like not only a plus, like a pink one or anything. Like, it's fucking carved in. Like, it looks as permanent as you possibly get. And I'm high out of my ass and I look at it and I just like right before I said anything I was like just make sure your face looks positive and I'm just like oh we're pregnant this is great and she's like what and I'm like

and I'm like I literally looked in the mirror because I was like what is my face doing I have to be right you write the affirmation note before you got high absolutely right I had no idea this was about to happen I'm like all right mulligan we're pregnant this is great and she's like huh and I'm like what the fuck like what's going on she's like you're not mad or sad or worried and I'm like I'm high Yeah, I was like, no, this is great. And she's like, she's like, good, because I took four pregnancy tests two days ago, and they were all so positive. Oh, my God.

So she knew while I was away and was just like, panicking and spiraling. That's why she gets into the shower. She's like, I already know. She already knew, and she wanted me to check and, like, wanted to, you know, see how I would respond. And I got to tell you, I did not expect to respond so favorably. She got a shower. She was like, act casual around this guy, okay?

Yeah. She's like, pep talking herself. She's like, whatever he does, just at cash. She just turns the water to ice cold and just goes like, Yeah. Shadowboxing. So you guys hadn't planned to have a baby? We didn't plan, but it was just one of the, well, I didn't plan.

I didn't know that she was like, like, we went to Tulum right before that. And we like, you know, we did all that, you know, white woman, you know, mystical shit where she's like, you know, lighting sage around her body and like sneaking a few wipes near her snatch just like make for fertility. A fertility. Yeah, I had no idea that she's like sitting around a campfire, setting intentions to have a kid. and then I jokingly just come inside of her. What was the term you used? Blow one in her. Yeah.

He blew one in her. He deployed. It's so weird because you said this, you never had a pregnancy scare before. And I had said that recently to Erica, we were watching like a show where that, you know, where they were like, oh my God, where there's a pregnancy thing.

And I said to my wife, I was like, isn't that weird that we've never had? Because she's on birth control. And she's on birth control since she was like 16. Yeah, it works. Yeah. So she, I was like, isn't it crazy? I was like, wow, birth control is pretty amazing, huh?

And I was like, we've never had one in all this time. And she goes, no, we've had plenty of scares. I just didn't tell you because, and I'm like, that's how amazing of a person you are. You've just been carrying that around. Like, my life might be over, huh? You know, like, you're just like, Mike's frail little bones can't handle the way to the situation. So I'm going to take this on myself. Like, you know, you really got to be shooting the arrow perfectly.

Yeah. I didn't know. And she had a whole ovulation. calendar. Like she was, she knew when I was like kidding around. She's like, boom, week. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get this mother brother. Now you're trapped. Yeah, I can't wait to my son. We can change the subject, but I want to, one thing to ask is like when you, you guys, that is like a very, I know we're like joking and stuff, but that's a very like romantic story. You guys met as kids and then always kept coming back to each other. Did you really feel like that? Like, always like she's the one. Yeah, I guess so is subconsciously

now. And I, I didn't think we were going to get back together after college. I thought like that was it. And we were going to move on, especially knowing that I wanted to do comedy. And I was like, I was living a scumbag life in college. Like, I was a full blown piece of shit. Just like, not like, you know, violent or anything like that. But I was just like completely banging anybody, you know, just all over the place. Like, not necessarily promising girls the world, but not necessarily not. Like, you know, I just wasn't that great of a guy. And then as soon as college ended and we started getting back together, I fucking, like, she's kind of pushed my hand to become a better version of myself. Yeah.

Do you guys all hang out? Double dates? Sometimes. Your wife's, get your wives, like best friends, too. They're friends.

Yeah. I feel like they've only seen each other like nine times when you really think about it. Well, that's the thing is they have, you guys are not close. They have too much in common.

They're also like wild Italian women. So as much as we have in common, they do too, and we don't want their forces to combine. I can see that. Yeah. I honestly can see that. Like,

I honestly can see that. Like, about you guys. No, how they don't spend our time together. Like all my dormant are. Ashley. Like, even people don't mean anything to me, no, Ashley. Well, no, because we are, like, in order for the four of us to go on, like, a date, it has to

have this link up that him and I both aren't doing shows, and we both have wives that have careers. So, like, it all has to line up too well. Right. That's true. Well, yeah, and, like, comedians, I mean, nights are, you do. Yeah. And my wife's weekend. She works weekends also. She's all over the play. And mine's, like, a nine to five or who on the weekend wants to, like, have some drinks and sit down and, like, just chill. You know what I mean? Like, she's not like a, uh, let's go to six bars, you know? I want to ask you guys that, as we were talking about this before, because I do feel like New York City men in their 20s, late 20s, even like early 20s, mid-20s, late 20s, early 30s. Like, there's just a lot of guys aren't ready to settle down. And it's just like,

let's go out and get pussy. And I mean, I know, you know, you guys probably hang out with a lot of comics too. I mean, did you ever feel pressured from your single friends of like, God, I can't believe I'm like in this serious relationship. I had like a lot of, it was weird because a lot of my friends were in long-term relationships and then almost all of them broke up with their long-term relationships. I think there was like, I mean, if I'm being honest, I think there was a period, probably when I'm like, you know, before we got engaged,

but, you know, in that early 20s when we've been living in the city for a couple of years where you have that, like, you have those grasses, greener fantasies being like, oh, if I was a single guy in my 20s in New York City, like it was one of those things where more than anything, I want like a six-month hall pass kind of a situation more than, but then you start to like, then, you know, while all of my friends are like, oh, I'm out,

you know, Tinder's the best, it's just like fishing a barrel, like all the like everyone just bragging and I'm like oh my god I'm like what am I doing am I an idiot and then within three months all of them are like I'm so lonely I just want someone to wait for it you just like I'm so upset I'm so I'm so envious of what you two have like it just it made me be like oh thank God you know because that's really what that you know you I love that you said that it really is I just like everybody has that grass is greener like what you're doing because like that box is checked it's like you're good you know like you can she does have a huge box She's like, you've probably seen it, right?

My wife? Her. But that's just, that's so accurate. With anything, it's, everybody always has that grass is greener thing. And all those people that are bragging about how great this is, just give it a little time. Yeah. They're going to hate that, too. I mean, everything is fun when it's new.

You know what I mean? If you're, if you're outdating, it's like, oh, that's going to be exciting and fun. But then it's like, then, you know, you just see how many comics do we see in green rooms just mindlessly, like how we mindlessly scroll on Instagram. It's just one discre left, right, left, right. get them with like four drinks after they've been single for several months and you hear the truth quick. Yes. You hear exactly what you're not missing.

I do miss the like, or what I'm jealous of a little bit is being able to play the video game of dating, right? Is to be able to basically dehumanize somebody and just judge them by their genetics and just look at their face and be like, I don't care for how low your chin is next. And like, you know, so I did, part of me wishes I could have done that and been a horrible person. But like, otherwise, yeah, it's the box is checked. we have somebody that like unconditionally supports us and is super into our comedy and my wife like I say some wild shit on stage but my wife knows it has known me since I was 10 years old and I've never been different so she knows what I'm doing and she knows that like the fact that I talk about her on stage is because I love her and she inspires me to say why you know crazy shit yeah exactly

I have a question I'm I want one of those you have doing I am not get out of here what the fuck I just tried to make eye contact with Dewey and he looked at me and then put his face in the pillow. Done. And I feels about you were covered in hair. Yeah, he's going to be with you forever. Yeah, that's okay. I've swallowed half of them. Are you going to say, yeah, I know.

A lot is gone to your mouth. He really shot one in. Oh, my God. Dewey deployed. Yeah, the lipstick went into my mouth. A couple of you recently have DM this about, like, jealousy and like I don't know how to stop being jealous. And, I mean, I think for them, this is even like for boyfriends that are with them, day after day, seven days a week, come home to them every night.

You probably travel all the time for a comedy. You're out every night in clubs and bars of women that are drinking. They're probably like see a funny guy on stage and they're like, oh, I want that. How do you're, I mean, other than the fact that you've been with them for so long and they just know you, like, how do they deal with the jealousy? My wife personally knows that I am really lazy. So, like, I love, I love when women come up to me after comedy shows and they're like, you know, they express the interest to fuck.

And they're like, we would do this right now. and I'm like, thanks. And then I go back to my hotel and I jerk off and I smoke weed. And it's, I'm like, in my head, I just fucked you and I didn't even have to let you down. It's good for both of us. I mean, that truly, that really is a good point because I realized before what I really used to love was not dating. It was like the thrill of the chase. You know what I mean?

Once I got the girl, I was like, I'm bored. You know what I mean? All of that sounded so rapy. thrill of the chase And once I got her Yeah, yeah But it's just, you know what I mean? But I think, but on my side of it

I mean, my wife's Italian So she's definitely, she definitely gets jealous But she's not like a crazy jealous person I think like she definitely I think she has like I think it's good to have some jealousy You show that you care about the person But it's not realistic jealousy

Yeah realistic but not like a where are you going What time you coming? Not that if you have someone That's a person who is obviously Either been burned too many times or They're doing their own shit that's a projection of what they got down. Yeah, or if they're very insecure, yeah,

or something like that that they think that you're just going to leave them or something. But, I mean, I think it's healthy to have a little bit of jealousy while, you know, you can be a little protective while also be, it's nothing worse than I feel like when you see a couple and like, you know, if the guy is across the party flirting with a girl an inch away and the other girl just is ignoring it, like just being like, oh, that'll probably be okay. Like, give me a little side eye, you know what I mean? Give me a little like, what the fuck you're doing over there.

You know what I mean? you've got to be a little crazy. Well, because it also helps with the passion to have sex with each other. It's a turn on. Yeah, I tell my wife every time I get hit on because I want her to know that I'm hunted. Like, I'm just like, I'm keeping you on your goddamn toes.

It's like you got to know. Otherwise, you might fucking take me for granted. I was actually thinking about cutting the part out of this for where I said that we would both fuck you, but I guess we'll just keep it in the show then. Yeah, literally. I'll take it. Honestly, I cannot wait to tell her to subscribe to your show. I got to tell you, we were talking about this guy he's a restaurant owner in New York City

and he is the hottest smoke show on the planet and he's married to a model. I mean, she's gorgeous. They've been together for 12 years. And somebody, we were talking about, thinking he was hot and somebody messaged us and was like, that is so disrespectful that you would talk about somebody's husband like that.

And we both were like, I would be flattered if somebody talked about my husband like that. I'm not doing it. You're not like, so here's how we're going to get up. Right. And we mentioned his hot model wife. Like that is, what more of a dream would I want of somebody on a podcast talking about how hot my husband was and then I'm like his hot wife.

Not to mention, we got to stop not acknowledging reality. You know what I mean? Like if somebody's dick is out, you're going to be like, dude, your dick's out. You know what I mean? And if somebody is that otherworldly attractive, you have to pay homage to just when God gets it right. You're just like, look at your fucking jawline. That's what my wife and I would do that with both men and women. We went to the Abbey in L.A., which is like that gay, like a very famous kid.

It's like the Stonewall of L.A. right? So we go in there and I'm like, at first... Where Fini's doing his album. Yeah, yeah. So we're first immediately being like, look at all of the... I'm like, look at these men. These men are Adonis. Like, I'm just like appreciating this male...

And then they also had women pole dancing too and stuff. And then she's like, Jesus Christ, the ass on this one. It's incredible. Like, we can both be like, oh my God, this is crazy. You know what I mean? That would be a terrible relationship to just be like, nope, I don't see you. She's ugly.

Like guys that I've dated, I love when they can acknowledge another man, how attractive it is. I mean, here's that they, Mateo. Like, like, Mateo Lane, I don't want to fuck him, but I would love to wear him for like a day. Like, I would love to take him for a spin. If you wore him, I'd fuck you then. Yeah, I'd fuck me. Because if I was Mateo for a day, I would just jerk off in the mirror.

Absolutely. In like some really unflattering angles, but just so I could get a full picture of everything. Every time you post a photo on Instagram with his clothing on, I'm like, what is the point of this? It's a joke. Get out of here. Put your panties on. Just panties. He's in Adonis.

Unsubscribe. I want to see him plumped up a little bit. I bet he's got a good one. Oh, it's just fluffed a little bit. Yeah. We'll ask him. All right, guys, we want to play this game with you if that's okay. Yes.

I mean, it's going to be a whole other, like, segment, unless you have anything else burning to ask them. I blew my load. But we're like, blue back? Time wise. Blow back? No. So it's called psycho or power move. I'm arrested for this podcast.

People submit these crazy, quote unquote, crazy things they've done, mostly women. And we determine if it's psycho or power move. So we're going to read some. But we first wanted to ask if you guys have, A, something a woman has done to you or something you've done that could be perceived as psych or power movement. Yeah. And we'll tell you if it's psycho or power movement. Yeah.

When I was like, when I was 19 and I, on steroids doing the whole thing, I also like, allegedly. Still no pictures of those. Years before that, I worked, I was a gymnastics teacher and I don't. The years I've known him, I'm just now realizing how many things he said he does. I've never fact check. What is that? Right. Who is this compulsive liar? I just am like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'll just trust you as a best friend, brother. I'm not buying this one. Well, it's why I settled down. My life was too topsy-turvy.

I had too many identities. This was pre-professional poker player. Oh, no. The poker player, I forgot about the poker player. So, hang on. This is at the exact same time. And he was a soldier in Afghanistan. Yeah. Purple heart winning soldier. I got bit by a Marine dog. Oh, my God. So, which really happened. He was in the NBA. He was in the NBA.

Junior college basketball. Yeah, it wasn't high level. But yeah, no, I was on steroids. I was playing poker because I remember I actually left the poker table to have this happen. And I was- Is it like the new Adderall? Like, you can just do a bunch of stuff on it?

Kind of. So I was doing steroids. I was doing clenbuterol, which is a horse asthma medication. Oh, my God. It just burns all your fat and creates lean mass. It's like crazy. But I told my veterinarian uncle that I was, that my friend was on it. And he's like, tell them to quit yesterday.

He's like, you'll die. You're gonna die. Like, somebody's gonna die. And I was like, oh, yeah, let them know as I'm like tremoring from the meditation. Oh my God. So I, uh, I left $500 on a poker table, like in chips. I left the game to go have sex with this mother that was a gymnastics instructor as well. So while I was like, go back in the summertime and like whatever and hang and like, I made like

one desperate housewives pool boy joke and the mom just like, she just, just fucking. completely sunk her team. Were you coaching her daughter? So this. Oh, sorry. I thought that was okay. No,

no, get ready for this. So the thing, who I was coaching were like birthday parties and bullshit. Like I, you know, I would do the trampoline and like the vault. Sorry,

because we need to back up to this. So yeah, there's like a gymnastics place. You're like a coach that are doing birthday park. Galaxy gymnastics and Orangeburg New York. Gotcha. So doing like kids birthdays. Kids birthdays.

I also, but I was teaching them actual skills. I didn't know gymnastics. I can't touch my toes. I was just a fucking athlete that walked in and there was a 65. You know what you are? You're Leonardo DiCaprio and catch me if you can. That's what you are.

Just living shell lives. If he didn't jump out the window. I feel like it's more force gum, though. As far as that's hurtful. But yeah, I agree. He's more time. He was a ping pong. He was a runner.

He was in the war. He's really got a thing. I'm not classically attractive, but there's something about me. I get it. Yeah. The way you talk is all this thing. This is really an eye-opening experience this show. I can't wait for the tweets.

So, So, yeah, I coached, the way I got the job, I, like, walked in asking if they needed a janitor. And the woman that owned the place. Because you were also a janitor. No, just because I was looking for a job. That was the summer before. Keep up. I had my own mops.

Especially, they screwed in in the middle, like they're a custom pool queue. He was like, when I used to make custom mops during that summer. I whittled them. Oh, my God. I was a welder. I did do construction. but so I I walked in in the 65 year old Russian women

with all this plastic surgery looking pretty hot behind the desk I asked her if she needed a janitor swear to God she walked out from behind the desk looked me up and down in a very like kind of tender meat way slap me in the ass and goes you're hired and just hired to coach to coach these kids so I coach I like put in my time I was like I was flirting with the moms for sure back then when I when I stopped going there

I would still like kind of talk to some of the girls that were on the national team because they were close to me in age. So they would come out to parties. We'd socialize stuff like that. Every once in a while, I would go back to the gym. I went back to the gym, caught eyes with one of the moms that we were, that I was flirting with. She was like in between 40 and 45. I was 19. We made exchange numbers. Immediately were like, let's meet up this day to have sex at the gym, in the gym. What? Yeah, yeah. So it happened so fucking fast, right? So we end up, I leave the poker table. I go there. I buy, I buy, a Mike's hard lemonade because that was her request a six-pack I think but she drank just one did

you like icer I'm kidding yeah yeah I felt it out of my pants your original I sir you are a child so we uh we end up having sex on the vault and the cheese mat this is not real I swear to gosh on the vault it's like he wasn't even pushing it just bounced she was actually the vault was mostly for cunna-ling uh because she was propped up there that fucking headbutted that's great for like 35 minutes it was maybe the best oral sex set up in all time. This is where my daughter like performs. Yeah.

Like she's like my daughter was just on this vault. You haven't seen anything here. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So she's, she was also an Instacommer, which I've never come across in my entire life. She like, like I'm not bragging herself coming. Yeah, yeah.

She went on Instagram live. She was the original blogger. It's odd. I was like, where did you get that iPhone? That doesn't exist yet. So, and she, but she would come like right away. Like the, a touch would make her come.

It was like, Unbelievable. It could be because her ex-husband was in prison, but regardless. So we end up having sex, and then she caught feelings, like, really bad. Like, she, I kind of, like, did it for the story and didn't think she would have any interest beyond that. So I just, like, kind of moved on. She was texting me, sending me, like, nudes on a flip phone. So it was just, like, blurry shots of, I guess a butt. And so, but months later, I was still hanging and talking to her daughter and, like, some of their friends. And her daughter was 18 and I was 19. So her daughter and I start hitting it off and we're about to we're not what's going to happen so we're about

to hook up we're talking like we're about to hook up and then I think this was a break I was actually working birthday parties at the gym galaxy gymnastics and uh and as I'm there her mother like somebody was like oh Mike and Samantha the daughter Samantha gonna hook up like you know all the young girls on the team are super immature so they do shit like that and her mom found out and was like don't Fuck him. There's 70 kids in the gym. She's out loud. Out loud.

Not out loud. Screaming. Do not fuck him. Don't fuck him. I fucked him. I fucked him. And the cheese mat. No, no.

The Russian coach Sasha, like put one of those post-marathon blankets over her and like kind of ushered her into the office. And she's like screaming like, I had sex with him. Don't fucking, don't you dare. And she's been in a mental institution ever since. And so she, like, she gets brought into that room. She's, like, still screaming.

You hear everything. The kids are just, like, kind of shivering because it's bringing them back to whatever's going on in their household. And then, like, the guy brings me into another closet, and he's like, you know you can't come back. I just got asked never to come back to the gym for my entire life. And so the daughter, like, initially stopped talking to me. But then, like, three months later, when I went away to school,

she was, like, hitting me up on Facebook and we were going to hook up. But it never happened. We never got to hook up. So I never got the mother-daughter. See, I've gotten sisters before, but I've never done mother-daughter, which haunts me. So psycho or power move? Are we judging? Is it Mike?

Is it the mom? Is it the vault? Is it the daughter? I can't. The best part of that story is the marathon blanket. Is the... And in my memory, that is what happened. I doubt it's the fact.

But in my memory, did put something over. Did you know the story? I mean, I'm not in the detail that he told it. I mean, I remember we told... Yeah, it's just a crazy... Do you tell us on stage? No. No, yeah.

I mean... They've told it on the podcast... It's a good podcast story. Yeah. You know, nobody likes a triumph story where I'm the cool guy banging a mom. That might be from the pilot. it up our first episode. I think so too. Yeah, because we talked to each. We were initially we were going to have

themes. So we were like, sex stories. And then we're like, and we're out. We're not. We had a, we wanted this girl to email us, but this, we do some of these at our live shows. I think this was in Seattle or Portland and a girl, we were, we were like, does anyone have any, is this weird? It's like our power move. These are the games we're playing the podcast. And she had a similar thing where she was dating

this guy. I can't remember exactly how she orchestrated it, but she was dating this guy that kind of fucked with her, ghosted her. then she fucked her his dad. So. To get back. Yeah. That is that to me.

She knew. Yeah. She knew. Yeah. She knew. That's for sure. Wow. With this though, I mean, I don't even.

I guess we're going to. That's psycho. We have to. It's also. It is very. But it was power move. Considerate on my part. Yeah.

It was power move on her. You're 19. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, she's a 40 plus year old mother. You know, like, it was to me, the weirdest. was that she like caught feelings. Like I wanted to date you.

Yeah. Yeah. That turned into. I kind of get it though. She had a, like now in hindsight as, you know, as a hockey player as a 75-year-old man. I mean, you gotta remember he was

on the Yankees at the time. Lost a lot of good men out there. I mean, I should have told my story first because that is crazy. There's no way he was on the game. Okay. I was like, what am we going to talk about on this episode?

Oh, for days. Do you have one? Yeah, so this is, this is, I mean, compared to that. Yeah. No, it's, this is quick. I was, so this was when I was, I was still a virgin in high school,

I think I was 15 maybe, and I was, I was trying to, it was that part of like, you know, that kind of like American pie thing where my only goal in life was to get laid, you know,

like the movie, it was like, all of our friends is just, as long as you're not the last one to get laid kind of a thing. And so, I had a couple. The last one to have sex with a girl is gay.

Yeah. Boy, is that a motivator back in. So I started talking to this girl I went to high school with her cousin. And like, again, I was a virgin. She was like the most not a virgin. She had slept with a tremendous amount of people. But I was like, she was kind of, she was cool.

We were kind of hitting it off. So she was like, let's go to see what everybody in Long Island does for a day. Let's go to the movies together. So I'm like, this is great. And so we go to the movies. And as we're walking in, she goes, hey, I have an idea. she's like, what about instead of going to the movies, we go into the woods behind the theater

and you can fuck me up against a tree. That was her offer. And it was also like raining. And I was, which is hilarious. Because if you think about like even doing that now is like a physical challenge to try and hold somebody. And then this, I was like 80 pounds less. You know what I mean?

It also would be very fun to see how quickly you would finish. Because there is no way you prepared with a condom. Right. You are raw dick and for the first time. in the woods with rain falling. The bark. I keep thinking about the bark. The bark, right? I'm a big tree. I'm a tree person. I love trees. So she was

a tree person. She told me this recently on a trip. We were driving to Seattle. What did you say? I'm like an amateur arborist. You know, funny, so is my canon. Honestly, if I could live in a tree house over a house, I would. You probably built one before. Well, back in my young days. Oh my God. So she said that to me, and it called me so off guard because, like, I had just heard so many good things about the movie Showtime with Eddie Murphy and Robert De Niro, which is the buddy cop film that we were going to see.

And I was like, ah. And I was also, I was like, I don't know if I want to have, I pictured having, at least being in a bedroom. In a bed. Yeah, or in a bed. Bedroom. So I was like, I don't, I was like, what if we saw the movie first that made me like got, you know, laughed a lot of this buddy cop comedy? and then we would go afterwards. And she was like, no.

She's like, I've decided. She's like, it'll be hot. Like she was like, portion my head. She's like, it's going to be. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, let's fucking go. Let's do this right now.

It'll be so hot. The rain's fall and let's fucking go out there. And I saw Showtime. You guys alone. And wasn't a great movie. Gotta tell you. One of the bigger regrets. I hope you at least jerked off in the theater.

Into the popcorn. Of course. Oh my God. So, but I felt like it was a power move, right? And the crazy thing is she fucked that tree? Yeah. Yeah, she's had like a number of kids since, like shortly thereafter, I think she had her first kid. With the tree people. Okay, so how long did it take you to lose your virginity after that?

Probably like another, I was thinking I was 16. So maybe like another year after that. So it was a while. Hope you really like that movie. Yeah. It was a terrible movie. No. I lost my virginity at a house party in a bedroom though.

Yeah. Me too. Yeah. House party. my own house party. Yeah. Your part. Oh, really?

My mom, my own bed, but my mom was out of town. I had a giant party going on downstairs. Wow. And my boyfriend was like, if you like me, just do it.

Oh my God. He was right. I don't know if we should, well, we'll read some of you. We have two that I think are really funny. I have one that I'm going to read. We're just going to read these to what you guys think.

I don't know how we can compete with what you have gone on. I know. Well, it's not your competition. It's the ones who wrote in, right? Yeah. I just like this one.

It's a short anecdote, but it made me giggle. Yeah, you'll do one, I'll do one, then we'll call it. Okay. A friend, it's always about a friend, just so you know. A friend married a guy and soon found out he was cheating on her. Obviously, she broke things off and they filed for divorce. He was a wealthy guy, so some people thought she'd married him for his money, which she

hadn't. She told the lawyers she didn't want anything from him from the divorce, but her lawyers insisted that she takes something. So she decided to get his brand new Maserati car, which he loved. Of course, she didn't want to. to keep it or sell it because it quote of quote proves to his friends that she was with him for his money. So instead

she FaceTimed him while her friend drove the car into a lake. Now that is a 100% power move. Yeah, I completely agree. I don't see one ounce of psycho and not at all. That's like that's like the Joker lighting the pile of cash on fire. Yeah, because there really was no other recourse besides to destroy

the car like Viva LaBam style because otherwise because otherwise you're right. It would have been like, oh, you were just in it for the money. But that's, that's incredible. I mean, that to me, that's an 8 plus power move if I've ever heard of one. That is the power move of power moves. Sometimes we get these emails and I'm like, this is not true.

Like, these are a lie. But this sounds super true to me. A well, written a lie, it's that. Way better than mine. Can you imagine getting that face time? He's like, oh, what Janice is calling? It's just like his Fosarotti who's going to a lake. I want to know who the friend is that drove the car into like, that's a true friend.

Yeah. I think you keep the windows down. Well, that's what I was going to say. I hope you do that. I just wish somebody was filming the FaceTime of just him being like, don't you, don't you put it in reverse. Don't you let it go. Go!

Get it out! You're so right. He's on the screen record. He's like, he's in a public place. He's just like in Krogerly. Yeah. He's in a bell.

Turn around. Yeah. Oh my God. All right. This one is very, this is we get a lot like these. We love when these women fuck with their, these guys.

homes. Okay. I'm a big fan of Lisa Left Eye Lopez. Yeah, exactly. Burn the sneakers. Burn the house down. Okay, one of my best girlfriends moved in with her boyfriend when we were all started college. My friends, I didn't really like him. There had been rumors of him cheating. Blah, blah, blah. Turns out he had another girlfriend on the side, was dating

both girls at the same time. We all live in a small town. So we rented a big U-Haul and got her the fuck out. She slept on my couch for a couple months until she found her a place, but we didn't just simply move her out. We contacted the other girlfriend and we told her and her family everything and we emptied the home. Our friend had paid for everything, so we insisted we take literally everything. Light bulbs, silverware, food, even the toilet paper. It was literally seen from the Grinch stole Christmas.

A couple days later, this piece of garbage returned to his home and dreams I didn't even know I had came true. He went into the bathroom and took a shit since there wasn't any light, no light bulbs. He didn't see that there was no toilet paper. He finished pooping. He had literally nothing to use. He ended up having to get into the shower. There wasn't any soap to use either.

We took that as well. He then had the audacity. Power wash his asshole. Oh, brutal. He then had the audacity to angrily text my girl. girlfriend and complain. I'm kind of glad he did or else we would have never known about the shit incident. I also stole his MAGA hat. I knew he would notice it was gone, but I wanted to have something to toss into a fire once it gets warm enough for campfires. That should have been enough

from the get-go to know he was trash, but I'm glad he's out of our lives now. A few days later, I saw him illegally parked at our neighboring apartment complex, so I quickly informed the to come take care of the problem. So this never stopped. Wow. I just loved like take every, the light bulb. The light bulbs is so petty. Here's the thing. I was totally on board with the house and then the car thing. It's like, well, that's a bit vindictive. Yeah, yeah. You're bordering on psycho, but I still say that would fall 85, 15 into power moves. He was illegally parked. So, you know. Well, also, here's the thing. It's like, it's not psycho if the person you're doing the things to is a piece of shit, right? So it's like if he's, if he's cheating and he's an asshole, he's got a

whole separate girlfriend and stuff, then there's not, there's not a amount of psycho you could do to him, I feel like, to ruin. Also, let's say amateur fucking move on his part to give the satisfaction of a text saying, I was shitting and I didn't have nothing to wipe with. Right. That's a lot of details. Like, I couldn't see anything. He's like, where's my mega hat?

Yeah. I have a rally tonight. Yeah, this is just the kid that was staring down the Native American guy. Yeah. I have a rally today. She took my clan hat too. All right. Well, those do not compare to either of yours.

I mean, those are great. I mean, those are great. Things incredible. Yeah, I know. I hate that we end with them. Let's just tell the gymnastics one again. Yeah.

Sharon. I feel like it was. Cheryl. Cheryl. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Now and her daughter, Samantha.

Cheryl. It's Samantha. Galaxy gymnastics. All right. I'm saying. It's really easy. Wait, what is it? Galaxy gymnastics.

You guys, for 20% of your first birthday party, Galaxy. You just come Mike Cannon. Yeah. Tell him Mike Cannon sent you. I believe Sasha is still there, the Russian coach. Tell him I said hi.

If he doesn't remember me, give him a few tips. If you're wondering why the springboard's a little slick. If you wonder why there's a wet spot on the vault. The cheese mat is just a crocodile mile. This episode is brought to you by Galaxy Gymnathic. Thank you guys so much. Do you want to plug all yourself?

Are you going to, Mike, where are you? Like, which, which amateur sports teams do you on right now? I'm playing for the Hudson Valley Renegates. And their minor league baseball team. It's been great. Thank you for your service again. Hey, it's anything for you guys. But, yeah, I'm at I Am Mike Cannon on all social media.

Instagram, I release clips like every other comedian with subtitles every single week. And then I got an album. I think it just kicked in on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere. And, yeah. And I think that Irish Goodbye Podcast. What is your album called? I think it just kicked in. Oh, that's, I thought you meant, like,

like the album just came up on iTunes. Yeah, no, no, no, I've been there for a while. I just started going to. I thought, I was like, that's so casual, I think it just kicked in. It's the one thing I've done that hasn't been canceled. It's doing pretty well. Yeah, please listen to Irish Goodbye podcast.

And we're also, that's also on road, sorry, Mike Cannon Comedy.com for road dates. Feeney started talking and he's like, we're not done here. Yeah, yeah. At I am Mike Feeney on Instagram and Twitter. I put up stand-up clips, but also I do a lot of sketch stuff, which is fun. I make a lot of dumb videos that are funny on there. And Mike Feeney Comedy.com for all road dates.

And yeah, I'm recording my first album on September 15th. It's forever away from now. But they're both in New York Comedy Club, which is where Casey recorded her album, which you guys were at. So if you guys are interested in that. Oh, in Chicago, we're doing a live Irish goodbye. Oh, October 7th. That's Aeney's another.

forever away. Okay. Awesome. We're doing stand-up, the fifth and the sixth, and then we're doing a live podcast on the seventh. We don't have anything that weekend because I have a wedding, so it doesn't,

we are allowed, we can promote that for you guys. It's not going to, like September 15th, we actually have a pretty big show. Later in October. Sorry. But no,

that was so fifth, six and seventh for you guys in Chicago. We have tons of Chicago. Awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. It's our first time going there is a tanem. Yeah.

It'll be super fun. All in Zanis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I said, at I am Mike Finney. So, yay, guys, thanks.

Thank you. I didn't know how this was going to go, but I'm fun. I did. I feel like I kind of knew. Guys, for us, Girls Gottypodcast.com, stupid live shows.com, Girls got a podcast and Instagram. Girls underscore Got to eat on Twitter

and come to our shows and go to their shows. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks, guys. Having a week. Bye. Bye.