Girls Gotta Eat - You're Not The One

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

Should you continue dating someone if you know they're not The One? How do you break up with your partner when they've done nothing wrong? We're discussing "lukewarm" relationships and breaking up with someone who's great but just not great for you, and sharing our most recent experiences with this (ie. all your questions on our summer romances answered). AND we're introducing a spicy new segment about y'all f*cking your doormen (we're so proud). Hope you enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Rayna @OneHungryJew, and Ashley @AshHess. Check our website for tour dates and merch. Thank you to our partners for this episode: FabFitFun: Get $10 off your first box at fabfitfun.com with code GGE. Living Proof: Get a free sample of dry shampoo at livingproof.com/gge with code GGE. HelloFresh: Get $80 off your first month by going to hellofresh.com/gge80 and use code GGE80. Ritual: Get 10% off your first 3 months at ritual.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He said I'm running five minutes late and I sent the same tax. I said, no worries. I got caught up in a penis protest. And I sent the picture. And I sent the picture and he wrote, ha ha, okay, see you soon. Like, what? No follow-up questions.

Another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Welcome to Fall. It's not Fall yet. What? No, really? It's the 16th. When is fall over?

When is fall began? Next week. You don't understand seasons. See you checking out that guy across the way. Like, okay, it's, It's just a lot. He's a very naked. No, I mean, it's a look.

He's got, what's the word I'm looking for? Jersey Shore. It's hard to look away. It's like a train wreck over there. He's bright orange. He has no shirt on. I think he's having breakfast. But he's like lunch.

He's like eating a meal. Can you see us? Okay. He definitely just made eye contact with us. Listen, he's not my style. He can't put his arms down next to his body. I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Because he's too jacked.

Yeah, I just want, I don't want like too good of a body. I don't want to look at somebody that looks like that. Can we tell everybody what's happening? People are like, can you shut the fuck up? We don't know what's going on. We're just looking. We're in a place looking at a window across the street. If they didn't figure that out already.

I don't think. You don't know. They don't know. So this is how buildings work. There's windows. And then we're looking through the window. Look, I didn't have this before. I lived in a cave.

The trap house was windowless. I lived in a windowless cave. Guys, Ashley has windows. I have windows for to ceiling and I saw this guy come out. I mean, it is, so the way that the building works is like, I'm facing like the back of this other building like with all these balconies on it. Like, and then there's like this choreyard thing. So this guy is just like out there, no shirt.

Right. Having a meal, probably having something with a lot of protein. Look at him. He's all hulked out because he's eating four pieces of grilled chicken and a baked potato with nothing on it. Just tell. I could see the steam broccoli from a mile away. Oh, my God.

Do you think that guy fucks? No. I think that guy like hulks out on top of you. He gets real sweaty. He's got his like clothes rack. He was like has to what hang dry his workout clothes? You know that guy doesn't wear anything besides mesh shorts and under armor at all times. He must protect this house.

He was born in a white feeder. He just slid right out with that on. All right. Anyway. All beginning about this random guy. He's definitely can see us. I feel like you can tell. That brings up the fact that you've been in your new building for a little while.

We're going to talk about some funny things. Oh, he's up. I feel like we're about to see, like, some other part of his body. I just, I'm going to. I'm standing up. Hold on, guys. I got to go outside. He got scared.

He went inside. We scared him. All right. We'll keep you guys posted. I thought he looked like your type. Now that I'm standing up, he's my son. He's like, he's dark. All dude.

Like, he's dark hair. He's bearded. Yeah, but he's orange. That guy goes to the tanning bed. Yeah, you're right. I'm probably right. You guys don't use a tan bed. It's really bad.

It'd be like me and just lay out and the roof. That's true. You know, look at his body. You would think that like neither of us have ever been laid before. I don't think he's too tan. He's hot. I like him. Get over there.

Zip line over there. Yes. Speaking of hot guys in my building, I have never lived in a luxury dormant building before. I personally feel that once you do that, it's hard to go back. So I held out as long as I could. I've always lived in not these type of places. So it's a change.

You know, just had to do a little life glow up, a little upgrade. And it's, it's nice, but there's these doormen, obviously, that work in the building. And mine, they're all men. Most dorm, I mean, you know how, I feel like it's not PC to say doormen. You want to say, like, door people. But I don't see women. Door concierge. But you just, doorman, door men is a word. But you, I feel like I've never seen a female door person. I mean, I would say like I don't trust women to like chase down a burglar, but like my doormen aren't chasing down anyone. Women can do that.

Women can be cops. They can do whatever. I would pick any woman off of the street and she would do a better job. You're lazy. All of my doorman combined. They're so lazy. They can't even be trusted to pick up a phone, let alone like somebody trying to harm you.

But mine are all like, they're really cute. I know. I have a vibe with one of them. All of them. And today, the one that I think is I didn't think he was cute when I first moved in. He's like tall, but he has like a weird kind of goate situation.

He wears glasses, which is nothing against that. but he just had like a nerdy, you know what I mean? And today, I think it's because it's Saturday. He came in, he was wearing, like, just like a black t-shirt and joggers. I love a jogger. And no glasses and his hair was kind of like tussled. I was like, okay.

Hold me back from a jogger. And the other guy in your building who wears sweaters all the time. Sweater cardigans? That guy's very hot. He's young. I don't care. Like, he had a girl that was like, you know, you can tell they're like flirting with somebody, which I get jealous.

But he was like talking to this girl. I was like, oh, she's 12. Okay, but like I feel like as long as they're like old enough. He's cute. They're all cute. There's just like something hot about these men that just want to like protect you in your building. Yeah, I know. I'm feeling very jealous because all my doorman want to do is like they just let guys up.

They roast me. They roasted me through someone else the other day. This guy came in and he was like, I'm so and so. And my brother was like, yeah, I see you come over here at night. You could go. Like, roast me if you're being a slut through the sky. If your doorman just don't give a fuck, they don't care about their jobs. They're so lazy.

At all. Like I feel like they would. you would be like dating two people and they would put you on blast for it. Like some guy would come visit you and your dorm and be like, you're not the guy that's usually here. Like I feel like they would say that. They just don't give a fuck. There's no private.

There's no like confidentiality with those guys. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. I really could never have two relationships at once because they would throw me out of the bus. Okay. The food delivery is another thing. Also guys, you know, to use postmates. But they're not a sponsor for this episode. But you know, you know what to do.

Code Gigi. So $100 off that delivery. I, I asked them the other day. First of all, I plan on cooking a little bit more here because I have a nice kitchen. But the main reason I'm going to be cooking more is because I'm embarrassed at the food delivery situation.

I've ordered two things in a one meal. I've ordered dinner and dessert on food delivery. I ordered twice a day. You'll get over that fast. But they call every time. I know. And so I asked the other day, again, I'm sorry if this sounds really pretentious

we're talking about our dormant building. We're in our 30s. We're adult women. Like, we're not out here. Like our parents bought us these places. like we earn this, we work for it. It took me a long time to get here and we're just talking about it. I'm sure plenty of you guys can relate.

But anyway, I just had to say it. I went through the lobby there day and was like, so like every time I get a food delivery, do you have to call me? And they took it very seriously. And they were like, of course. Yeah, of course we're always going to call you. I'm like, okay, like if it says like postmates or caviar, just send them back. And they were like, we have to.

I'm like, all right. You'll get over it. Okay. So it took me a lot to get over this in hotels also because I frequently call down to the Fred task and order two meals at once. And they're always like, is that for one person or two? Because I ordered two meals. And so I always say two. And then when they, when the person comes to the door to deliver it, I do this every single time, I turn on the shower and I pull the door shut in the bathroom to fake. Wait, do you put like, he put a bunch of pillows under the comforter? You're like,

oh, he's taking a nap. Him. Always relaxing. It's a pillow person. No, he's always in the shower. He's always But they don't, like, who cares? They see you one time. Like, these people are going to see me every single day, multiple times a day, and they all talk. Like, the, I bet the best part of the doorman's life is talking shit on the people that live in this building, which I would do. It's funny. So anyway, guys, if you were to fuck a doorman, it would be in my building. And speaking of, we have a new segment for you at the end. And spoiler, it's called doormand dick. You guys are after fucking your dormant. and we're going to talk about it. I want to fuck all of your dormant. Every single one of them. Hopefully I will have a dormant dick story for you. Soon. Next week.

But they are really funny. So at the end of the episode, that's what we're going to do. It's very, very funny. We've a great episode for you guys today. It's just us. Yeah. Just us girls.

And speaking of just us girls and just you girls, you guys are so amazing. We announced our New York City holiday spectacular. It's sold out in one day town hall, New York City. So you have strong-armed. us into a second show. December 19th, it's a Thursday, another amazing night of the week.

We wanted to make sure that we did this on great nights of the week. So the first show is on the 13th. That is sold out. You can get tickets for the 19th still. Yeah. I can't wait. Yeah. So two shows,

Holiday Spectacular Night 2. We're announced next week. Just tease it. We had two more shows, two more holiday shows in a city that you guys always request. Be really strong. We've already been to it, but we're coming back. So take your guesses. been there twice.

We've been there twice. Okay, well, now they know. All right. Anyway, we'll announce next week. And also, as of this moment, there's still a few tickets left for Columbus, which is a Monday night, the September 23rd, Pittsburgh, September 25th. And Charleston, Saturday, October 26th. And then New Orleans, November 14th. You did such a good job.

No, I usually can't. But those are going to be some really amazing shows. We can't wait to see you guys there. Yeah. The theaters that we're doing in all of those cities, I'm super amped about. I love the New York City Theater. Their whole thing is like not a bad seat in the house. It's like the layout is so sick.

So we can't wait to see you guys. We get back on the road next week at the end of this week. At the end of this week. While we're recording Saturday. Detroit, we can't wait to see you guys in Detroit. Cleveland and Columbus. We don't, we feel like we don't give Ohio. We don't give you enough love.

We can't wait to be there. I family Columbus can't wait to see them. We know the owners of the hilarities in Cleveland. We met them in Montreal. They were wonderful. So we can't wait to be there. And then, of course, obviously Pittsburgh for obviously.

reasons. I can't wait. Next weekend. I don't have to go to anybody's housewarming parties. I don't have to go any birthday parties. That's what I'm in this for. I can't wait to get back on the road. To leave and not have an excuse. I'm not a social person and that's fine. I'd rather be on stage with you guys than at somebody's housewarming party. I'm social, but I hate any type of shower. Sorry. Like I literally, I would joke that I moved from Atlanta so I could stop lying about why I can't come to your baby shower. Like the amount of baby showers, I had to make up an excuse. there is nothing I hate more than a baby shower. I'm so sorry.

I love all my friends. I've been to your showers. I bought you gifts. I love your children. But you hated it. A baby shower. I hate any shower. I hate sitting around watching people open up gifts.

I hate it. I'd be curious. They're never fun. We're going to look it up. We don't need somebody to email us, but we're going to look at it. I'd be curious where this came from. Because like, is there anybody on earth that enjoys watching a person get it up for

every toaster and serving the thing. Oh. Like watching my sister-in-law do this. She was so gracious. She was like, oh my God. another blanket. Like, who wants to do this? Nobody. I mean, I've seen them change a lot.

I've been to depth plenty of showers where they don't open the gifts. I've been to showers where they tell you to bring the gifts unwrapped, which I love. So there's just like a gift table. Okay. No, I feel like it's on the way out. Again, no offense to anybody. I don't want to be there. Have your day.

I just don't want to watch you open gifts. I just want to hang out and get drunk. I hate showers. Hate showers. Definitely. Baby showers. Don't just... My brother could be having a baby and I don't really want to go to the shower. Like it doesn't, there's nobody special enough to drag you know like a baby, a sprinkle.

Because like if you have another kid and they're like, it's not a deserving of a shower, but we still in them a party and still get gifts. You have a sprinkle and then a sip and see. Oh, the sip and see is a very southern thing. I kind of like that. I like it because it includes drinking. Oh, you drink and see the baby. Yeah, you sip.

You sip alcohol. God, there's a, but there's a tired ass mom that's just like, get the fuck out of my house. I know. She's 30 pounds overweight still. She's like, I got to look cute. I'm not Kate Middleton out here. She's like, I haven't got, off my property. I haven't been able to get my hair highlighted.

No, my vagina waxed. Get out of my house. Is there something wrong with me that I don't think this is great? Everybody else in the world's like, I know they're not. They're lying to themselves. No one wants to go to a baby shower. Anyway, guys, we're super excited about today's episode. Let's talk about relationships.

Yeah. Let's talk about breakups. I'm excited for today's topic. Me too. You guys love emailing us about breaking up with your boyfriends. How do I do it? What do I bring up with him? Do I just stay with him forever?

Yes. So, yes, we, okay, I'm like nervous. Okay. This is going to get personal. Yeah, and I'm excited about it, actually. So, like, full disclosure, I just wanted to, like, share something with you guys that I've been going through. I was dating someone throughout the summer, and we ended our relationship. And I did want to talk about it, but I wanted to wait until I had enough time and sort of, like, emotional distance from the situation to just,

give it like a clear, fair assessment. And I hope you guys think this is interesting. I mean, people always ask us what will happen if one of you guys get a boyfriend. And my standard answer has always just sort of been like every relationship's different. We'll cross the bridge. We come to it. And some people are fiercely private. Other people like this guy was really cool about being involved in the show.

He came to a lot of shows. He came on stage a lot of the shows. You met him at a show. Yeah. We met him at a show. We met him to tell the whole story. But you met him to show. He was really cool about allowing me to talk about a relationship.

personally, I have to make the decision about when to introduce somebody to this audience because, of course, whatever happens I want to be as open and honest with you guys because you're honest and open with us. And it's always, like, in the back of my mind, there's something ends poorly. I'll have to discuss it publicly, which can kind of be painful and confusing and embarrassing, and you never know if the person's listening. So you want to craft that message appropriately. But anyways, the short explanation for what happened, because I don't want to keep talking about

other guys and you guys are like, what happened? But the short explanation is basically just, I don't think bad to say about this person. I just, I didn't see a future with him. And he was like, so many things that I wanted in someone. He's smart and sweet and fun and the sex was great. Ultimately, I just knew that like something was like really missing. And I know from experience that that feeling wasn't going to dissipate at all or change. So that's what we're going to talk about today.

Like when there's nothing like inherently wrong with a relationship, nobody's hurting you or cheating on you. But you just know that like something is like seriously missing. Yeah. And I hate to use this person as the catalyst for this topic because we've wanted to do this topic for a really long time. I think it's one of the most common emails that we get is like, I don't know if I should stay in this relationship. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know.

It all kind of worked out this way. I like that we've been wanting to do this topic and then stuff happened in your life and kind of mine too, I guess, that is totally relevant. And so we can speak from like personal experience. I mean, yeah, I think people, I don't know how much you want to dive in the story. Like how, like you ended it. People are going to want to know that. I guess we can wait till the end. Like how to actually do the breakup. I don't want to leave that out. No, I definitely talk about that for sure. Yeah. I mean, this is this thing. We always use the term lukewarm. I don't know if you said that earlier. Like just kind of the feelings about somebody that you have. Like if we get emails all the time, like I don't know. Like this guy's great. He's great on paper. blah, blah, blah, but something's just missing.

We're like, break up with it. I mean, don't waste your time. I think there's a lot of different types of relationships. And we also wanted to differentiate before we kind of dive in into relationships that are like, you've been together for years and the spark might be lacking. Because I believe that relationships totally run their course and people are married for decades and then they fall out of love or outgrow each other or outgrow each other. They're together for years.

And they just, I think falling out love is. obviously a real thing, relationships run their course. Duh. I don't need to tell you guys that. But if that was somebody, hopefully you passionately loved at one time, you know, and felt like an intense love, can't live without them, want to be with this person at one time. And then I think that's when you really have to decide, is this worth saving? Is this a sex thing? Always listen back to our sex episode with Dr. Ian Kerner.

Like, what can I do? Because I did have so much love for this person or is it just over? That's a little different. I think what we really want to talk about today is like that was never there. Right. And I think that like you, I mean, we're just going to talk about this guy a lot and the relationship I had before him, quite frankly, was very similar. But like, yeah, it just was never there. Like, if you say to yourself, like, I'm not in love with this person, I'm never going to be in love with this person. And I think a lot of people struggle with, and I certainly did with like, you know, you put this person on a whiteboard on the wall and you're like, they're all the things. They're smart and successful. And I like sleep with them and they're good to me. And I trust them. Like, am I so rotten on the inside that I can't like check into this relationship? But I don't think that like, I just think that like you know what love feels like. Don't doubt that. Love and also just to back up with this guy in particular.

And I think this happens a lot too, is that you were really excited about him at the very beginning. And I think that happens plenty. Like I think we've all been there. We're talking first few weeks. It's exciting, whatever. And then you're like, I don't care about this person anymore. Not that you didn't care about it.

But like, I'm not excited to really talk to them or see them. It starts to feel more like an obligation. and that's like a word that I think is such a buzzword for this episode. It's like if you ever feel like you are, it's an obligation to hang out or get on the phone with or go on a date or have sex with somebody. And it is still on the new side, that that is not your person. I can't say this enough. And on the flip side, I also think we've said this before.

I don't want to dive too much into this. This feels like a little bit different topic to me too of like can chemistry develop over time and chemistry and just chemistry in general. But like I had relationships where serious relationships where I really did love the person where at first I was like, I don't want to date them for reasons that weren't necessarily that we didn't have chemistry. Like I talked about this with my main long-term ex that I was really in love with. Like I just, when I met him, I was like, oh my God, he just doesn't have a shit together.

He's younger than me, whatever. Obviously, clearly I don't care about that, but I care a little more at this time. And I was, it was more just like the stuff on paper that I didn't think he was right for me. But our chemistry was undeniable from the moment we met. You know, so that was something when you have that, I can overlook some other things. and you and I are really similar where, like, for me, my number one thing is, like, do you make me laugh? Do you excite me?

Am I never bored? Do you challenge me in some way? I can overlook a lot of other stuff. If that's not there, it's doomed. Well, that's exactly what I told you about this guy. Yep. And I don't want to keep hammering on me. He's a good person.

But, like, yeah, I said to you, like, here's a couple of things I really don't like, but I don't care. And I'll get past those things. And so, like, if you have differences, like, he wasn't, like, into social media or didn't really watch TV. And so I felt like we couldn't really talk about a lot of things. I love. but like I don't care.

But I think at the end of the day, like, he also was like younger than me and I don't know that this person could have ever taught me anything. And I don't know that that's fair. Like I don't, I gave it three minds. I didn't give it three years. But like, he's just younger than me.

Like, I don't know what he's going to teach me. And also, that was hard. He didn't really make me laugh that much. Well, that's what I always think. And like, Raina always uses this phrase like about, like, he doesn't light me up. Like, we say it over and over and over. Like, he doesn't light him.

me up, like this other person might. You know what I mean? I think we have friends. We have friendships and relationships with men in our lives that we're like, I want that. You know, we're not going to name me names. We're like, I connect with this person. I could talk to them for hours and I'm excited about it. And like, I think you deserve that in a partner personally. That's what I want. That's, I'm willing to settle for nothing less. Like, I could put up with a lot, like, first of all, I don't really care so much about being in a relationship or even maybe even getting married anymore. I'm still kind of on the fence. Like my whole outlook on relationships has changed even since in the past year since I've talked, I've said on the podcast. But if I

am not so excited to see you and I'm like, it's not exciting. It's not going to work. But like, and that was your bar too. Like it was just, you guys in the same sense of humor. Like, you're in comedy. Like, you have a high bar. Like, you are really dark and sarcastic. Like, you and I both have this like dark sarcastic side. Like, if you can't have that banter with somebody, it's never going to work. And you had a lot of other other great things with him the sex being one, which is always something to like try to hold on to. Because that kind of chemistry is hard to find. But like, we were sitting at a bar one night and I was pretty drunk and he like, he did, I will preface this by saying he apologized immediately after this and again the next day. But

he like made a joke. It was right after our show. And he was like, I feel like I'm, like I said something sarcastic. And he was like, I feel like I'm getting better at dealing with your shit. And it was like not in a very nice tone. And I was like, I don't want somebody that feels like they're dealing with my shit. Right. And I guess. I don't think he's like a back. I think he really meant that. I think he's like not used to somebody that's like as sarcastic and maybe as dark as I am. And like, I think he was like, I don't, I'm going to try to deal with this because I like

her. But like, I think he really meant that. I think he was like, this is shit. I don't necessarily want to deal with. Yeah. And I don't want somebody to feel like they have to deal with me. No, absolutely not. I want somebody to think that I'm hilarious.

And there's lots of people that I've had that way. And, you know, there's nothing wrong with him. He wants a different kind of person. But like, he meant that. Yeah. And he apologized. to me the next morning, but like, I, I did not like it. Absolutely. And I think this guy's a good guy too. Absolutely. But there was like a time where you like sent me this thing and it was so funny.

And you were, there was a penis protest. And it was like, what did the sign say? First of all, there was like a hundred people outside dressed in head to toe white button downs, white jeans, cowboy hats, splattering each other with baked blood. And all of the, there was, I was, Outside of a Starbucks, there was 100 posters of circumcised dicks. Uncurgensized or uncircumcised? Both. Mangled circumcisions. Oh my God.

Just like in the middle of the afternoon. And this guy was sitting on a park bench covered in fake blood with a cowboy hat and a giant sign that said no one wants less penis. I can't. And I was getting ready to go do something. I was going to ready to go to yoga. And I was like, hey, am I going to see you before I leave the condo, whatever. This was when we were traveling for a show. and you go, sorry, sorry, probably not.

I got caught up at this penis protest. And I took me a second. I was like, I'm running around trying to get ready to leave. And I looked back and I just started laughing hysterically. And I'm like, this is so funny. And I think you said the same thing to him and you just, he didn't react in the right way. And this is when I talk about banter being my number one thing,

not in the right way, the way that you would want your partner to react. He said I'm running five minutes late and I sent the same tax. I said, no worries. I got caught up in a penis protest. And I sent the picture. And I sent the picture and he wrote, ha ha, okay,

see you soon. Like what? No follow up questions? Not for me. I sent this to this other guy, much later. And he, every couple days,

he just randomly texts me, no one wants less penis. It's so funny to me. Exactly. I just, yeah, I don't think that like I was right for him either. And I think a lot of times,

probably if you feel like this, I think three months is a good time to evaluate this. I think it's different. I absolutely agree. I think three months in is a good time. And you said to me, and I think it's very true, like, if you're feeling like this, like the banter isn't really there, you guys don't really like match up. Like, they probably kind of feel like that too. Yeah, not always, but I like to think so. Aren't we both understanding what's going on here? He's very smart. I just don't think

that he was like, this is the greatest thing in the world. Yeah. There were a lot of things that were great. But like, yeah, I was like, oh, it's, we just don't think the same things were funny. Yeah. And I don't, so you and I think, obviously, we have a comedy podcast. Like, we work in comedy. And it is the thing that we need number one, like numero uno above anything else, is like this same way that we can communicate and have banter and all these things. It's what's going to make me fall for somebody. And you too. And that's not how, that's not everybody how they feel. Like some other people might value other things totally. Some people are more intellectual. They need that. Some people really need something that's athletic. Like it's the most important

thing in their life. They played sports the whole life. They work out all the time. That's like a big thing. Like it might be religion. Like I think that's a number one thing for people. It might just be that you want the same type of family or brought up the same type of way. Like, I think there's all these different things. And just, if it's really your number one thing, don't settle for less. Like, this isn't a laundry list. It's a one thing. And if it is not there, just stop trying to make it happen.

Like, put away this list of like, but I trust him and he'll be loyal and he'll make a good dad. I mean, also, if you want to settle for that too, that's fine. No judgment. It's not for me. I don't think it's for any of my close girlfriends. But if you really are like, you know what, he doesn't light me up the way my ex did or the way this person does. but I trust him and I want to start a family with him.

You can. You see it happen all the time, but I always think that's a recipe for problems down the road. And I'm talking down the road. Like you can really settle and you can build a family and focus on your kids and all these other things in your life. But 10, 20 years, you start bringing out that bottle, start drinking the pain away.

And you realize, like, oh, I never loved this person the way I was supposed to. I want to come back to what you said, but I want to interject a story like about myself because I've never really talked about this. I'm sure my parents would be fine about me doing it. But that is really, I think, what my parents did. They were both married. My dad was married and my mom was with some,

for a very long time before they met. And they both met. My dad was like in his like 30s. She was in her mid-30s. And I think they were like, okay, this person checks the boxes. It's time to have kids. Like they're both Jewish. We both have big families. We're from the same place. Like we are sort of like upper middle class educated, whatever people. They got married because I think they just were like, you know, this is what people do. And 11 years later, I think they both just realized they were never really in love with the other person. There's nothing wrong with that. 11 years is great. And it's a long time to view with someone. They made two children. They co-parented my whole life. They're great. But I do think. You're great. You're great.

You turn out great. I'm great. Everything's great. They're great. My brother's great. But I've seen that firsthand where I'm just like, they just were never supposed to be together. They weren't in love. And they were in love with the last person.

And I love what you said about your number one thing. Because like the other day, like, I think just like comedy and banter, it is my number one thing. Like I sat on a couch the other day with this guy. And like, we just like had a couple drinks and sat on my couch for four hours and told jokes. And I was like, oh, this is what it feels like. Girl, I know. And like, once you have. habit. There's no going back.

Absolutely. You know, you can't mistake it, but I would say, and I think we have a friend like this who was like, I've never had that before. So I don't know what that feels like necessarily. And I think if you have to question it, it's not there. Right. My mom, I think the guy, my mom just dated like really successful, like rich men. She was just a fucking 10 and she could do whatever she wanted. Like she was just like so beautiful and so cool. And I think she just kind of getting like, she would date these. I think the guy she dated before my dad was like a surgeon or a doctor or something, I don't know. And she means my dad. He fucking sold wine. He lived with his best friend in his parents' house. And he went on to become very successful and

start his own business. My mom, my mom's mom was not a fan. She was like, this fucking loser. And my mom was like, he makes me laugh. Like, my mom felt it immediately when she met my dad. And she just like knew that was it. And she will tell you this. And 41 years have been married. I love your parents. And you can see that they like are truly, they are not indifferent to each other. They are like really happy. They laugh a lot. Your family laughs a lot. I just laugh a lot. She just felt like my mom, my mom is like low-key funny. Like, she's not super as sarcastic and dark as the rest of our family, really, me and my dad specifically, but like, it just, that's the thing. And again, everybody doesn't need this, but they, I think a person has

to light you up in some way. And we talked about this with Maria del Russo. Like, you, the number one thing is like, do you want to see them again? Are you like excited to see them again? I think I already said this, but I can't say it enough. I can't hammer it home enough. I think the obligation thing is really interesting. And like, my dad was the first person that introduced that concept to me, was the last breakup that I went through. Like, I would, I think I excused myself from the room. I was like, I gotta call my boyfriend, tell him my day. My dad was like, honey, if this feels like an obligation, like, maybe think about

ending this. I just like, I didn't want to do it. Like, I didn't want to pick up the phone and, like, run through the calendar of events that I had in the afternoon. Like, he was my secretary. I didn't want to be bothered. And same situation. This guy made, like, a ton of money.

I trusted him. He was, like, self-made. He's a good guy. We're actually very good friends today. Oh, you're at DCX, yeah. But, yeah. I mean, we, and I can, I mean, if you do it right, I do actually think the person can be in your life. Like him and I are really good friends.

We actually just talked about somebody who's dating the other day. That's not for everybody. But yes, at the time, it really was and it felt like an obligation. And I'm glad that we walked away from it. We'll talk about this, like, breaking up. But like, before you start to hate the person, because like for me, and everybody's different, but I think you two, like, when I start to get it in my head that I don't want to be with you anymore, then I start to really resent.

you. And it manifests itself in these crazy, where I'm just pissed at you all the time. Because now the relationship has gone past the expiration date and you're just taking up my fucking time. Well, the fight start. And that like, so I'll tell the story of our friend. We have a friend. And well, you know her. She's more my friend. She is 23, 24. I think she's about turned 24. Smoke show. Yeah. And she was dating this guy and she went through a really terrible breakup. And I think she rebounded with this guy that just was really in love with her had always had been. And she dated him and they had a really solid relationship. I've seen them together. He really loved her. He did anything for her. He helped her raise this puppy. Like they were,

they were solid, but I was like, that's not the guy for her. I know the kind of guy she wants. Like, and he's not it. And it's fine for now. And we sat down and had drinks. And she was telling me about this. And I was like, well, you're going to break up just so you know. And because the fights had started. Like, I knew that they weren't supposed to be together. Two weeks prior, she's like, now we're just starting to pick at each other. About what? Just stupid stuff. Bickering. Yep. Like just the bickering. I'm like, because you don't, this is not your guy. Right. Yeah. I know this. He doesn't. I think he thinks you're his girl. I mean, he out kicked his coverage, like nothing I've ever seen.

Everybody with her out kicked the coverage. So I was like, I was having sushi with her. And I was like, so you're going to, you're going to need to break up with him because this is not your guy. You should be run around New York City and dating and looking like you do. And just finding a guy that's more suited to what you want. Right. Like this guy's not going enough. He's not funny enough for you.

Like, I know you and I know what you want to partner. You know, I don't want somebody like your ex who's a fucking sociopath, cheater. But, you know, she broke up them that night. Like that night. and went on another date like the next day with this guy that also whatever got weird after that but now she's back on the scene she's going to be great and I was like you got to cut this cord because this guy is just continuing to kind of fall more in love with you and this is not the situation that we said with what happened to you I think your guys was a little more mutual yeah

but this guy was in love with her she didn't feel that same way and we right now have a guy friend that's kind of going through the same thing where he knows that this girl is not the girl for him they've been together for a year and he says he wants to break up with her but he's like I don't know how to do it because she's great. Well, that's, I think, the worst part of these relationships, and I want to give credit to people that are in this situation, is that these are really hard relationships to end. Because you say to yourself, this person isn't doing anything wrong.

And, you know, unlike when you're in a shitty relationship and everybody around you is like, leave him. And, you know, your friends are pissed at you and your family hates you and you're lying to everybody about being with the person. Everybody is, like, rallied around you in support of this person. And, yes, your friends love you. And, of course, whatever you decide to do. they will support you.

But it's hard to leave these people because they're not doing anything terrible. And it's hard to even find a window. Like, I've done this before. And the person's never going to do anything to you. And it's hard to leave them. And I also think, you know, people get into their heads like, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be lonely. And like, yeah, that's reality.

Like, do I miss this person who I talk to every single day? Like, yeah, I do. I miss him. I miss him a lot. And I miss chatting with him and joking with him. And for a couple weeks after the breakup, there were a lot of days that I had to, wake up and be like, I have this talk with myself where I was like, you do not miss him,

you miss the attention. This is your ego talking. You just don't want to be alone. But that's not a reason to have stayed because I would have been in the situation that your friend was in or that I've been in previously where this has gone on for seven, eight, twelve months and then hate the person. Yeah. For sure.

I don't wish that on anybody. That is terrible. I know. That was a really long speech. No, it wasn't. It was great. I can't agree more. like, I think anything, give anything, three months, right?

Or not. I don't, do you? Like, I know pretty soon. And I'm actually, we haven't even discussed this. I'm going to share my story about the guy that I was seen that was your guy's friend, that I ended that. So, but like I, well, sort of ish. Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell the story.

I don't see any harm in anything for a relationship for three months. I also think there's this whole thing that people can, like, hide who they are for three months. And like, somebody can, like, try to be a different person. Like, there's this whole thing of, like, someone can really like be like, oh my God, I have all the same hobbies and interests. And I do act this way and I do this. And you can really only be a different version of yourself for three months and then the

real you starts to come out. I'm never a fake me. I'm always the real me. But that's a thing. Well, you hear girls say all the time, like this isn't the person I started dating. It's like, well, yeah, because they were on their best behavior. Yeah, exactly. And then they stopped.

Exactly. But if it's not there and these things that you have that you're like, I really want to, this is going to, what's going to excite me about this person. Like, don't waste, don't waste their time. Don't waste their time either. Yeah. Don't waste their time. That's what I said to me.

Like when I started like anything that's at the sky and I was like, I don't know if I should fight for this. And you were like, don't do this to him. That's not fair. It's not. It's not. And the number one thing you've got to get your ego in check because so much of this is ego and not wanting to be the person that gets dumped and rejected and all those type

of things. Like looking at it from the other side, like if somebody's breaking up with you and you're sad and upset, but you're like, but I don't want to be with them anyway, just let them go. Just absolutely let them go. Like I had to deal with that with an ex of mine where I was like, I think if I really wanted to, if I really wanted to get him back, I could do it. And then I had to have a talk with myself, like, that is your ego talking.

You just want to win. You just want to not feel unloved because this person loved you once. And, you know, when someone that loved you so much, you find somebody else or you feel like they don't love you anymore, it really fucks with you. And then I was like, I don't want to be with him. Why would I ever do that to him? Why would I like turn my life upside down to try to get this person back? What, just to win?

Just for my own ego? I think it takes that you have to be pretty evolved to realize that what you wanted to do was when and that it was your ego. And that was one of the first things you said to me too was like, this might be kind of your ego. Like I was sitting in the car like the day, we had one conversation that we ended things.

But like after the first conversation, I was like really in a fog and upset and crying. And you were like, I think this is like partially your ego. And it was. Well, just because I knew he wasn't the guy for you. Yeah. Like it'd be different if I thought that you were in love with the guy. Yeah.

I will share. That was the guy. was seen, I met him, it was his friend. I met him through Raina and her guy, obviously. We've talked about this, whatever. We talked about it a lot. He's great. He's really great. I do feel like he is funny, like made me laugh. Really good guy, like genuinely. He's really tall. Super funny. Yeah, great. I like to be with that. Yeah, for sure. And tall. Very tall. Very tall. Excellent. Can't be any taller. It's Shaq. No, I'm just kidding. So, I just, I don't know.

I just started to realize I felt like him coming here, especially when you guys ended your relationship, and then he was still planning on coming here. They were going to come together. And he was still planning on coming here. And I was like, this feels weird. It feels more serious. Like before it was like, oh, come with your friend.

Like this will be the four of us. You know, whatever. Maybe we'll go to dinner, go out, get drunk, whatever. And then it just put more pressure on it. It felt unsettling to me in, like, not an ideal situation. So I just had to kind of reflect on, like, how I felt about the guy. and I felt a little on the fence. I felt like we just weren't totally connecting

like I really need to with a person. I didn't dislike him. I wasn't repulsed by him. It wasn't like, I've been in situations before where I just stopped liking somebody and I'm like, oh my God, never talked to me again. It wasn't like that. I just don't want to be put in the situation

where you staying with me because I don't think I feel like that. And that is a scary place to be that someone comes and stays like you and then you decide you don't want him there. And I'm not saying that that would have happened, but it was a fear of mine. and I did feel like, I hate to say lukewarm, I just, I felt the same way.

I just didn't see a future. I didn't feel like this person really could bring a lot to my life. I mean, I'm a lot older than him. He's a very different lifestyle. I'm not saying that this can't be like an opposite to track type of thing, but it just, I didn't feel like it was totally there what I feel like I need. And I don't know, I feel like I had a conversation with him one night and it just felt like a little bit of awkwardness. I felt like we were kind of just being polite and talking about, it just wasn't exciting and this is nothing against him.

He probably felt the same way. Like, I kind of want to get off the phone with this girl, but or not, I don't know. I was probably telling 20 jokes. But anyway, so I just, I had to tell him, I didn't want him to come. And he was really great. And I was like, I like you. I would hang out with you again. I would go to dinner with the guy.

I would hook up with him. Maybe I, who's to say, but it just was uncomfortable to have him come here. That felt very boyfriendy. And that's not what I want with this. person. And so this was a, it's a different situation. I wouldn't say we were dating, but we were talking all the time and he was planning to come here and stay with me. And so it almost was like low-key dating in a way. And it was tough. I had to like call him on the phone and explain to him. Like I don't think this is a great idea. And he was really understanding and really cool. He's a great guy.

So, you know, it's not totally out of the question. I'm not sure how he feels that I may need to go through the city where he lives on the way to a wedding soon, and I might stop through and see some girlfriends and maybe see him too. Like, it's not, that could totally happen. Again, this wasn't like a, ew, I'm over this, but I wasn't at the place that I feel like I need to be. And I don't think that's like my guy. I just think that like, we'll talk about how to break up with these people,

but like, it wasn't ideal for you. It was really on ideal for me. I'm really glad I finagled that. And I was like, Rain is my person. Rain is like my ride or die. Like, this is not, she wasn't telling me not to have him come. Like, you're an adult and that was not your stance, but you didn't love it. I think I kept it to myself as much as I could.

But like, yeah, I also didn't like that you were in a position where, like, I didn't want you to feel like you were going to accidentally share something about me. And it was going to go back to him. And not that you would ever do that on purpose, but by accident. And yeah, I mean, it's a weird one-off situation that will probably never happen again. But, like, it was uncomfortable for me. Yeah, for sure. You were like, I don't love it.

I'm like, I wouldn't either. I just, yeah, I didn't love still having a connection to this person because it's, it's pretty fresh. Yeah, it was. But I think you did the right thing. think that all you can do. Well, again, I know we keep teasing how to break up these people. But I mean, I think that you were just honest since that was on your mind.

It sucks. Hurt somebody, hurting somebody's feelings. It is just like a genuinely nice person. It sucks. It is really painful. And like, it was, I was talking about this with a guy, friend of mine that feels kind of the same way. But he's been in this relationship with this girl for a year.

And I was like, I, I'm, I hear you. I was like, but you can't do this to this girl. Like, this is going to, she's going to be so blindsided. You can't just wait for a fight to come up and then break up with somebody because you've been feeling this way forever. And I think, you know, maybe women do this too. I think a lot of men do this. And this is, I mean, we're talking more to the women,

but like, I think a lot of men this do where they feel like this. And they don't know how to express it. And I, I'd love to talk about, like, the language you use. I mean, for me, I was just straight up honest. I was like, this feels more serious than I want it to be. This isn't really what I want. I will have just moved in.

Like, I gave all the, and I fumbled through it. Like, I'll admit that. Like, I feel like if you were to hear the conversation, you'd be like, oh, that's not the Ashley, I know. Yeah, but if you enjoyed doing it, if you, like, walked into this conversation with so much boldness, you'd be a sociopath. Right. Okay. Crushed.

Crush that breakup. But I, I, I can, you can explain how you handled this and you handled it in the right way. There was a phone call and then there was like some follow up, whatever. This was deserving of a phone call to me. I would have, I, I am an adult. I'm in my 30s. I was not going to send that guy a fucking text. And I think that, I think sometimes you deserve, people deserve this like phone call when they don't see it coming.

Because they're like, wait, what? How did I just get broken up with or whatever? I'm not broken up with it's not the word I would use, but whatever it is, like rejected or whatever via text. Like I think it's really scary to call somebody in the phone or meet in person or do whatever, but I think it's like they deserve it. Especially they're like a nice person. Yeah, it sucks.

It's like not comfortable. He likes doing it. But like I guarantee weeks down the road, months down the road, that person will say, I didn't like it at the time, but she did the right thing. You know, it sucks. And the last person I broke up with like my long term relationship, I, like, rehearsed the breakup. I rode it down.

I was, like, on a train. I wrote it down. I could still tell you exactly what I said to him. And, like, I was talking to him the other day, and I was like, remember when I said that to you? Because I was telling him about me ending this other thing. And he was like, you know, I think that you did the right thing. And I think that you and I probably let it go too long between us.

And, yeah, we were, like, pissed at each other by the end. And I think that, like, you got to just, because the longer you're with somebody, just the harder gets because you, like, you really love that person. You're not in love, but you love them. We care about them. Yeah. Like, this last person, before the current one, like, I loved him.

Oh, you're, like, you guys were together for a year or two. For, like, on and off for a year, and then we'd slept together for, like, ages, but, yeah. Sleeve together in January. But, like, you don't care. I mean, whatever. Two people have never fucked and been more platonic in their entire lives.

When you talk about him, I talk about my long-distance X. And, like, I mean, when I met him in college, I was, like, so in love with him, for sure. I was like, oh my God, that's my, I love him. Like, this is amazing. But then we were off and on back and forth for like six years, I think, always long distance. Never super duper committed, but always had this thing.

And then I still remember he, like, I just started to feel like this isn't the guy for me. And I should probably end this, but my ego was wrapped up in it. And I just always wanted him to love me. Like, I just feel like I never really got it from him. And I just wanted him to like finally want to like be my boyfriend and like settle down with me. And then I had to realize like, oh, I actually don't want that. He is just, he doesn't really light me up. The sex is eh.

He doesn't want the same type of life as me. He just is not the guy for me. I just kind of want more out of life. And he really doesn't excite me the way I feel like he should. And I so remember we were at Clemson. We just walked around campus. We stuck into my old dorm. We're having this picture perfect moment that you have with your college boyfriend or whatever.

It was this really picture perfect thing. And he just, we were in this long embrace. And he was just like, I'd want to be with you. Like I finally am settled. He's in the military. He's in the Coast Guard. He finally figured out where he was going to be for the next few years. And he was like, I have a house.

I got a yard so Dewey can come. He was like, let's do this, finally. And I was like, I've waited for this person to say this to me for so many years. And I had to be like, I don't feel the same way. Oh, I got chills. And he married the next girl. And he has, I think he has a kid.

I mean, he's on social media, which is so fucking annoying. Because, like, I want to stalk all my exes no matter what went down between us. Absolutely. Like, people were like, you stock your ex because you're not over them. I'm like, that is nothing to do with it. I just need to know what everybody's up to at all times, always. But he, I just had to tell myself, like, I feel like this was this ego thing of like, I just want him to love me. And he finally did. And then I was

like, oh, and I wasn't like that. He was fine. I think he's fine. He's whatever, married and has family. But I just really put myself in check. Like, he does not, he's not the guy. I think that that is, like, really hard to take your ego out of it and come to that conclusion. But you have to be honest with somebody. And I guess I'll, like, be honest about what happened with me. And I, like, want to, I'll talk about it and sort of like wrap it up in some, advice that we got from a friend of ours. But I mean, this summer, like, you and I went through a lot. We traveled continuously. We were never home. It was a blast, but we did a million shows in a very short amount of time. I think we were at the airport. And I was at the airport personally,

like for other trips, like 16 times in several weeks. And whatever, traveling's hard. That's not like a hot take. But I think I was just really craving, like, a real sense of normality. And I was lonely, even though, like, thank God, I have you. But like, I think I was a little more needy for attention than I normally am from him. And I think I was just like, hey, like, I just wanted a lot of attention. And I kept asking for it a lot. He was planning on coming here. And we'd like picked a date for him to come here to visit. And I was being like a little naggy that week about like, hey, I don't feel like we're talking as much as I'd like to. And honestly, looking back, I wouldn't take it back because that's what I needed at the time. But I wasn't being nasty or

crazy. I just was like, hey, I miss you and I want to talk more. And he picked up the phone. and it was just like before we like book any more trips or whatever, I think we should like talk about what the future looks like. Because I think that you're disappointed and upset clearly. And I just, I'm not moving there and you're not moving here. Yeah. And let's talk about what that looks like. And like I was so blindsided.

I just figured he would be like, you're being a brat. Right. Like let's manage the expectations. Like I have a life and a job too. But you felt like his tone was like, It was real cold. Felt breakupy. Yes.

I did not feel like... I did not feel like the door was open necessarily. I mean, I guess I could have like fought for it like crazy. I don't know. But like he said what does the future look like? And I didn't have an answer. And like I couldn't say to him like, I will figure it out. Like I will do everything in the world to come there all the time.

I just, I couldn't say that to him. And I like felt we got off the phone and kind of left at that. We're like, okay, we're going to sort of think about this. We're going to like hit the pause button for a second. And I like spent the day, I was in a fog. I couldn't say crying on and off the whole day. I was just like, what the fuck just happened? Right.

Because like, you and I have a dating and relationship podcast. I pride myself on like checking in with the person that I'm dating and really understanding where they are emotionally. I did not expect that from him. Well, and just to back up, this was a guy that like after the first time you guys spent a weekend together, he did like share some intense feelings for you. Like this was a guy, I just need to say that when I'm not going to get into details, but had expressed that he wanted to make this work with you and how he felt about you.

And he laid out all the things he loved about you. It wasn't like I'm in love with you. But it was he kind of, he started this whole like, let's make this work thing. This wasn't you, like, you know what I mean? I don't know how to best say it without. I appreciate the validation. He could be listening. But this wasn't you being crazy.

This was the guy that was like basically like I do want to be your boyfriend and try to make this work. I know it seems crazy. I know we live across the country from each other. It's an age gap, blah, blah, blah. But like I want to commit to making this work. He said those words. Right.

So like when six, seven, weeks later, he hit me with like, what does the future look like? I was like, what is happening here? And it was like a real jolt to the system because I had like just when you don't expect something. I mean, it's hard to swallow. And anyway, so I spent the day I was very upset. And I met up with my friend, Emily, who's like my really good friend and food lovers down Instagram. Let's get her some Instagram followers. I love her something. She's like a classic pinup girl. She's such a babe. Really a babe. And chef. I look at her pictures. I'm like, What is this like Marilyn Monroe?

How do you look like this on the beach? Her sister is a designer. She was on Project runway. Anyways, I was talking to her and I met up with her that night and I was drinking and I just didn't really know what to do. And I figured I did want to like sit down and communicate something to him because I just, I was so blindsided. I just didn't know what to say.

So I just got off the phone. And I said to her like, he's all these things. Like I care about him a lot. He's like this wonderful person and smart. I gave her the whole list. And I was like, but I feel like I can't. telling what the future is because, like, I don't think there's a future. And I was like, am I so rotten on the inside that like, I can't see a future with somebody that's just like

all these great things. And her advice and I thought was so great and I've shared it with you. So you've already heard this 10 times. But she is in a relationship with somebody for the last three years that the most in love couple I've ever seen. They fight and they have problems, but they're so in love. And she said to me, I dated a ton of guys before Andre. And I can, I can make a case for every single one of them, just like you're doing with this guy. But I've never had to make a case for Andre. She was like, I'm just in love with him. And I like, it choked up because it's so sweet. And I think that that's how you should feel about your person. It's not like, hey, I made a whiteboard list and like, they check the boxes. She's like, I've never made the list

for him. Like, he just is my person. And I like, it showed up thinking about it. And I like went to sleep that night. And I woke up in the morning and I was like, I don't want to be with this person. Like, I don't feel that way. And like, I wrote him an email because I just thought, like, all right, I'm going to back off. I don't need to call him. Right. And I was like, yeah, you basically, you had a conversation. You didn't blindside him with a written text or email.

Like, you'd already talked. We'd already talked. And I thought the door was, basically, we got off the phone and he was like, I'm just going to, you know, takes some space for myself. And then we'll book the trip, basically. And I was just like, you know, I took the night and I thought about it. And I think the reason why I can't tell you what the future is is because there isn't a romantic future between us.

And it's not about where you live or that you're younger than me. Because honestly, like, I would move heaven in our. for you if I thought we were going to be in love. But I'm not going to feel like that about you ever. And I said, you know, I want to thank you because I think you gave me a gift of acknowledging something that I consciously ignored. And I would have let go on for six months. And Ashley's like, no, you wouldn't have. I think you need to give yourself more credit than that. You're not some like desperate for relationship girl. Like six months was way too long. Anyway, like I've heard you say this and I'm ready to nip it in the bud. I just don't think that. I think maybe one or two. But like, no, you wouldn't

let it go on for a half a year, not letting this guy light you up, as you say. But keep going. Yeah, I wrote him an email and I wouldn't suggest emailing somebody the first time, but I think he needed an answer to his question. And I just said, I don't see a future. And I just want to be clear, it's not because of where you live or how old you are like, I just, I'm not going to, I don't want to do this. I don't want to make this work. It's not going to work. And I said, you know, I don't think that any more time together would have changed the way that I felt. I was really complimentary. I said, I love all these things about you. I feel lucky to know you. I don't have anything bad to say about you.

And I wish you the best. Yeah. And I sent the email off and never responded. And here's an update. I woke up this morning. The day of recording this episode, I've been drinking late at night with my dad. And I see an email from him. It's wild.

At 8 o'clock this morning. So a month. And I was, we need to give people a timeline. He did not respond for one month. responds the morning that we're doing this episode. And like for four weeks almost, I was like, every day I was like, I can't believe this. Like, I wrote a message to this person that was short and calm and really complimentary. It was non-accusatory, basically handing him what he asked for and just not even a thank you.

Knowing that his best friend was coming here to stay with my best friend. Couldn't even like hit me with a I agree. Right. And honestly, this wasn't the reason again, but it didn't help. I was turned off by the whole thing. And I was like, your friend can't come here. No, I was kidding. You need to tell him to respond that email.

You're not coming here. Click. He responded because your guy wants to come here. Yeah. Your guy was like, as you won't have sexed me unless you respond to Raina. No, he's not coming. I paid him back for the flight. Which also is another thing, which people were like, that was nice.

I'm like, that's what you do. I don't want him to be in the hole financially. Right. It also wasn't like a fortune. I think you really did the right thing. Yeah, I've had one for the flight. Yeah, never responded. And I like, honestly, for a lot of days, I've had to like tell myself like,

okay, well, maybe you didn't really know this person. And maybe this is what he's like. And you need to go ahead and forfeit the right to any kind of closure here. And every day I was just like, maybe he hates me or maybe he was really hurt by me. Or like, every day I was like, what happened here? Like, which I was just like, maybe he hates me. I think a lot of us are left with that at the end of a relationship, like what the fuck happened here?

I don't know. The response basically was just, you know, he sort of agreed with me. He was just like, you know, I was going through shit too, and I don't think I can give you what you want. I don't think you want to give me what I want. Yeah. I mean, that was it. It was long-winded, but that was the jest.

That was the jest of it. Way too many words. He's a... Way too polite. He's very polite. Some would say clinical, even. I mean, it's so wild to me. It's like, how do they know?

Like, that it's wild. As we were, like, making notes for this episode, I was like, I'm going to have to, like, I can't put a period on the end of this. Like, my period at the end of this was going to have to be like, I said him an email and you never responded. And he did respond. And I read his email this morning after 30 days of no communication. And my knee-jerk reaction, I think, was anger for writing a four-page email about his

feelings at this point, which felt sort of unnecessary. But even after two hours, I think I just realized, I don't care anymore. and it's in the past, whatever happened happened, it's over. I don't hate him. I don't feel anything about him anymore. And it just is what it is. I can see him on the street and wave below and it would be fine. Yeah, I think with these breakups, it's tough.

And while we're speaking to you, women, most of you, I think guys are going to listen to this. It's what they do. Guys listen to. With their girlfriends. Yeah. I think if someone breaks up with you in this way, you also just have to take it.

Like that's the thing. Like we're out here also telling our guy friends how to handle this. And like it goes both ways. You know, I think the language that you use is I think you're wonderful. I don't see a future here. I don't really know how else to explain it. Like not everybody's a match.

And I don't see myself being with you long term. And I don't know that I can totally put into feeling, put into words why. And it's something that you did. And I think women, maybe more so with men tend to be like, I must have done something. And worse than you're telling you like, we feel like this about guys,

they definitely feel the same way. Like sometimes it's just not there. And I think women want to be so like, well, it was fine. And yeah, a week ago and what did I do? It's like nothing. Like, we all feel this way. Like I think people just break up. Like I have a friend right now. We were talking about her relationship

or a few days ago. She's been with this guy for like seven, eight months. It's great. He really loves her, cares about her. And she's like, I don't, they're starting to some bickering. There's some stuff starting to come out that she doesn't love about him. I personally think he probably needs to like maybe dabble in therapy a little bit to figure out certain things that are happening with him. And she, I asked her, I was like, do you feel the same way about him that you felt about the guy you dated before? And she said, no. And she said,

I feel like a terrible person. If we broke up, I wouldn't care or like I wouldn't miss him. And I was like, here's a deal. You're probably just going to break up. Like maybe he could come around and do these things that you kind of want. I like him. I think. think he's a good guy, but people just break up. Like, they've been there for seven, eight months. Like, you just break up. You can't just marry everybody or you can't just be with everybody and have kids with everybody and be with somebody long term. Like, relationship would just end. I like that, though. And we asked our other friend who was talking about his girlfriend like this, too, I said to him, if your relationship ended tomorrow, what would be missing from your life? And, like,

maybe you make a list of those things. And, like, if the thing that is missing is like just some general companionship, like buy a dog. Because that's not, like, the things, if the things on your list can be, like, if it's, you know, she cooks for me, she cleans for me, she keeps me company, then hire a cleaning lady and buy a dog. Break up with her and stop wasting her time.

Yes, absolutely. And I, you know, I think that like, I have been madly in love. And every time, like, I'm in any situation, I need to pick up the phone. I need that person's feedback. I can't wait to hear the jokes they're going to make. That is my person.

That they feel like home. Yeah. And I think if you just, if you know you don't feel like that about a person. Yeah, just go. And a lot of times, I mean, I don't know what the norm is. Relationships like this happen after a few months, maybe. Again, you feel like you're like,

it's just not there and it's not going to be there. And we just want to sympathize with you. It is so painful to do this. I think it always deserves at least a phone call. If you want to sit down with somebody face to face, like, that's fine too. I don't know. Public places can be a little weird because they're like, what's going to happen is someone going to cry?

But like, it's going to be really awkward. Like, I pride myself on like being well-spoken. And I was talk for, living and I fumbled over this thing, this conversation with this guy that I wasn't even really dating. So if we were really dating and like he, we were boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever, and I had to break up with this guy, it is makes you want to throw up. But you just have to do it. Like, the person has to know it's going to be really awkward and painful and like if you need to have a drink beforehand or whatever, but like you just have to do it. Right. I mean, it's like quitting. It's not going to be

cool and awesome. It's like quitting a job. It doesn't feel good. Yeah. Just practice these words. I think this relationship has run its course. Yeah. Like that is how I open to the conversation with a different person. And that's the truth. Yeah. The alternative is stay with the person. I don't have to tell you. I think the best rejections can be found on like the bachelor, bachelorette. When they break up with the person, they're not going to get married to. Like they are. Rewatch that. That's your advice. Well, first of all, they say, I'm in love with somebody else. So if you are, you can say that, but usually it's not the case. But they compliment them. Like, I think you're so wonderful. Like, I just, I don't see the future here.

And I think sometimes people start to be like, well, why do I do anything? No, is there someone else? I don't know. Be honest. It's just, it is what it is. Like, sometimes there isn't a reason, though. Like sometimes the only reason is I'm just not going to marry you. And like, I know that people say, especially women,

I wasn't asking you to marry me or wasn't asking you, but you will. And if that is the only reason, then that's the reason. You know, and you don't need more than that. And I did try to be really complimentary to this person. and I mean, I kept it really brief, but I was like, I feel lucky to know you and you're wonderful and I love so many things about you. I did not get a response. I was like, what the fuck?

But I had to accept it. And like, if we were doing this episode today, like I said to you a few days ago, I was like, you know, it's weird. Like I think, I thought about him today and I'm not mad. I'm just not mad anymore. Yeah. And I just eventually just had to accept it. It's different today, obviously because he emailed me this morning.

But I think that like, sometimes you break up with somebody. They do hate you. And that's fine too. And that's fine. they just leave it be, you know? Yeah. Like I think then guys are the ones to double down on this like not wanting to feel like a bad guy. And it's like, I don't know. She's mad. She hates you. Just leave her alone. You don't have to keep coming back around. Like, are you okay? Like they always want to like absolve themselves

from being like a bad guy. But I also think like one of the things I said to this guy in the phone was like I don't want to waste your time. Like I don't think I'm the girl for you. And like, you can also say that and use that language. And what are they going to say? No, you are. You know what I mean? Like I think you can say like, I don't think I'm the person for you. like I think you're so wonderful. I love this, this and this about you. I don't want to waste your time anymore. I just don't see a real future here.

Yeah, and you deserve to find that with someone else. Yeah, and you deserve that with someone else. And I think the relationship was run his course. Like, I don't know. Like my friend I mentioned earlier that I told to break up with her boyfriend and she did. I mean, they had a pretty serious relationship. So he's really still like, can we talk? I miss you.

I mean, sometimes you're going to deal with that. Yeah. I mean, I'm not comparing like this several months summer long romance to something that is a year long. And that's much tougher to end. You know, I don't think that what we had was that, like, it was lovely, but it wasn't that, it wasn't long term. Like, you just call it what it was.

It was like a summer or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. And I had to consciously, every time I started drinking for the last couple weeks, be like, you are not going to text this person. Yeah. Because I was fucking pissed. Yeah.

I was like, I spent a lot of time trying to write you something really complimentary and you just totally disregarded me. And the answer, thank God I didn't. The answer is not get drunk and start harassing the person about what they did and do you, I mean, hopefully you don't do that. I think that I'm not like sharing a hot take. Yeah, like, yeah, don't get drunk and do this shit. Yeah.

Somebody probably still will. I mean, we've all been there. I've just done a lot of things I'm not proud of. Yeah, and we all hate being ghosted. Like, I think people get ghosted because someone's too much of a pussy to do this. Like, I think this is what happens all the time. Like, if you get ghosted by somebody, they just didn't see a future with you and they didn't know how to tell you.

You know what I mean? And just let it lie. I think everybody should listen to this episode and everybody should do people, give people what they deserve. But I think that's what happens all the time. Like if someone just is up and out of this relationship, they just didn't want to be with you and who cares the reason. Do you really need to know? That is so true. So I'm just, everybody deserves the conversation, I think.

I think it's so fucking crazy that you would date someone for months and just disappear. But they just didn't see the, yeah, they just didn't see the future with you. you. And like the last time with my more serious sex, I had this conversation, I remember I said to him, like, I am not in love with you. I don't think you're in love with me. I want you to find this with somebody else. And he was like, you know what? You're right. And he was like, I guess we could sit here and like hurl insults at each other. But like, we didn't do that. And I'm proud of that. And like, you never know how somebody's going to react. Men can get all pissed off. You just never know. But like, hopefully you're just honest and you have covered your side of things caramel wise.

Yeah. And I don't know. I think I'm one of. to say, like, if you have been with somebody for months and months and you don't know if you're in love with them, I'm just going to say you're probably not. I guess everybody's wired differently. Every has their own shit, but we had a friend that was kind of going through this. And I was like, well, I mean, I guess you wouldn't really know how it feels if you've never been in that type of love before. But I can tell you, you know, I can tell you, you know. I mean, I don't, I don't explain what love is, but you know when you feel it. It's honestly, it never questioned it. I think it's a combination of real excitement and joy, but also feeling like home. Because I don't,

the butterflies thing, I don't, I don't love that. I think butterflies kind of, I think butterflies, whatever. I think a lot of like being nervous around somebody is kind of anxiety inducing. I think when you really love somebody and you're supposed to be with them, I think they feel like home, but you're also like wildly excited to be with them. And they like, you, like, I remember this one time with an ex of mine. I was at, um, a brunch with him. And, uh, I just couldn't stop smiling and I felt like a fucking nerd and I just like sat there and I couldn't stop smiling and I was like I need to get my face in check and he wasn't even being funny he was funny but he wasn't being funny and I was just couldn't keep the smile off my face and like I'm a really big proponent

of like what is what is your vibe and what is your face doing when you're with somebody I will just not be able to stop smiling like I'm like this is embarrassing you never get like that with me shut up because we're always laughing we do like I don't know I mean, this didn't, I don't know when it's this turn to like how you know when you love someone, but I just, I think, I think a lot of people want, a lot of people say I feel like sort of, they don't say the word lukewarm. They're like, I just don't know. And it's like, well, then you know. Yeah, you know. And we, I think we talked about this, uh, on Eden's episode called what? When you know, you know, I think intuition. It's like that, that doubt. Like, I just, I think couples go through ebbs and flows and like the spark and things like that. But I don't know. Someone used to ask me. me like, would you marry him tomorrow if he asked? And I was like, probably not. And like, that's a true teller again. It's weird because like some people don't want to get married. I'm not even sure if I want to get married, but if you really, if the thought of a future together is giving you anxiety and doubt, just end this. Yeah. And I don't know, hopefully you guys all

find what you're looking for. Yeah. I'm really glad we do this episode. I'm sorry that. Don't be scared of being alone. Just start a podcast. Look what happens when you choose to be alone. this apartment. Get a dog. You guys love Dewey so much. You're going to find somebody else. You're going to find somebody else. My friend, a good friend of mine,

broke up with a guy that she just felt like she really did love and she just didn't see the future. And she really just tried so hard. I want to have her on one time. Well, there's two kinds. Jenny Jones. And she loved him, but I think she was like, this was the hardest breakup I've ever had to do.

I think he's wonderful. I really do love him. We have a great time together. But, like, I just don't see him as my guy long term. She moved to Nashville and got a dog. Never been happier. See? Told you.

Get a dog. That's the answer. She wasn't even a dog person. She was like you. Well, I think it's different than like, there's different. I feel like I'm lukewarm about this person or I don't see a future because of X, Y, and Z. Like my fiancee and I, like, he wants to bartend four nights a week and live in Bushwick with three people. And that's the life that he wants.

It's not the life that I wanted. And like fundamentally we weren't. But I was crazy in love with that person. But then I look at like Courtney and Casey where I'm just like, what? Casey said he was homeless when he met. Courtney, I mean, not sleeping on the street. This was last week, guys, our episode. Yeah, I think he was like, probably couch serving. We didn't really delve into him saying he was homeless when they met. But like, I don't, she said, I think she was hinting around. Like, he kind of, he had these flaws. He was late all the time, you know, whatever. Like, she didn't care. She loved him. Yeah, every relationship's different. I mean, I didn't care until I cared. And then I cared. Yeah. Okay. So we'll do another episode where we talk about more stuff like that. Are we done? Do we exhaust the topic? I think so. Okay. I'm really excited about this. I've wanted to do this for a little time. I know. Thanks for sharing. your truth, Raina. I just, I get nervous about, like, talking about dating

somebody on this podcast, because if and when it ends, I'm going to have to talk about it. And then I know he listens. And so, like, you were good about, you didn't share too many details about when you guys were dating, though. Like, you were pretty... I wanted to give it time to grow. So, um,

I never did. And look what happened there. Died like one of my plants. Um, but I'm sure that he probably listened to this if he hasn't turned it off yet. And hopefully he feels like he got a fair shake. I feel like at the end of a relationship, it's always important to me to feel like their experience was my experience. And that like, because like all of my exes listen to this show.

And I think they're all pretty happy with like the assessment I've given them. Yeah. But at the end of the day, like, yes, the way that I lived this is not the way he lived it. And so your experience is not going to be exactly the same. Right. But I don't know. I try to be fair to other people. That's just.

I don't know. I feel like I'm in, I mean, I'm team Raina always. But I'm just like at the outside, like neutral party. And like I just think you guys even, I mean, whatever. of course I read his email. Sorry if we share everything. But like you guys like I think you have the exact same assessment. And I think you own some of your quote unquote flaws, whatever, things that maybe you didn't love that you did, but you're not, you don't regret them, whatever. You guys just weren't a match. And I think you both would say that. And I honestly think if you sat down and like

took questions from an audience, like you would be on the same page. I think you have the same story. I think so. I think just, I mean, our lifestyles were just different. That's all. Yeah. So yeah, That's, that's my story, guys. All right. We guys took a lot from it. I am psyched about today's. Are you guys ready for doormand dick? Dormand dick.

Someone was like, please. Can we sound effects like a real doorbell? Oh, a doorbell. I said ding dong, but I just feel like it wasn't good enough. Ding dong. What am I saying? Dick dong. Okay, so you put it on your story, like what happened?

So someone, you know what? let me just read the original DM. I always like to tell you guys what prompted these cute little games we do. So I posted these stories. I text with you about me like running through the lobby, barefoot, no bra. And then I was basically like I don't belong here. And this girl just DM me and said, I'm currently dating slash am in love with my doorman.

I wonder if there are other women out there who have ever slept with or dated theirs. And so I wrote on my Instagram story, have you dated slash fucked slash fantasized about your doorman? I want to hear about it. And then I did the question feature and wrote dormantic stories. So amped that you did this. Okay, first of all, I do not recommend this. This is crazy.

That's the person that controls your packages and everybody that comes to, I fucked one of my neighbors and every day of my life is a living hell. You're going to fuck the doorman? Girl. Okay, well, there's two. We're going to go back and forth. I'm going to start with one that I'm going to start with one that I, I have a screenshot on my phone. I'm going to end with the best one. I'm ending with the

zinger. But the first one I just like, I love this one. She writes, she DM'd me. I literally moved into my building for the hot front desk guy. She moved in for him. They gave me my tour, flirted with him for six months, finally found him on Insta and he's gay. No! Oh my God. So she didn't actually get the doorman dick, but that's why we wanted to start with that one. The rest of them are strong. He's like a long con. They put him at the front door just to like get girls to sign up for the building. Okay, read the next. Okay, then we got like a whole bunch of one-liners so we can go back and forth.

These are so funny. I slept with the doorman at my parents' place and mid-sex. He said he was engaged. There's so much one back here at her parents' building for one. He's like part of the family. Sorry, I'm engaged. You know, like, while he was coming. Like, that was his like...

I'm picturing mid-sex, like, no coming, but he's penetrating. And he's just pumping away. Sorry, I'm engaged. Where do you think they fucked? I don't know. You know, like, in girls. where she's like hooking up with that guy. Oh, right.

I saw with the dormant in my parents building. This is a New York girl. Who else parents live in a dormant building? Yeah, seriously. This one just, this is not, again, sorry for the outliers that aren't dormant dick, but I just love the way she worded this. No, but I did fuck my college professor

and campus detective. Were they one and the same? He moonlighted as the campus reticop. Is this like a Paul Blart? The campus, first of the missing or. Detective is such a funny word. Detective? What is he out here doing?

Looking for pussy. I like, she was like, I'm a dormant, but I'm going to get in on this anyways. Love you guys. I'm just detective. Okay, this girl wrote, dude, yes. And he was 5'4, all that BDE, and then one day, poof, he was fired. Made this 4 foot, 4 foot 5 guy get fired. 5 foot 4 with big dick energy.

He has a new job now. That guy's got confidence. Yeah, they put him at another... He's at the front desk, catfishing curls at the other building. Yeah. Okay. This one is not... This is like a shorter one.

She wrote my friend fucked her doorme in the mail room one night. That's a double whammy. Well, that's why I assume you do. You're fucking the mail room. I don't know, where else are you going to fuck? Don't you feel like there's cameras? Okay, but they control the cameras. All right.

Like, I'm scared to do anything naughty in the elevator because I know my dormant watch me. Right. My hot doorman Mark is 22. I am 39. Said his name during drunk sex with a guy not named Mark. She's thinking about that good doorman dick. That dormantic. Can you imagine that she's fucking this guy and calls him Mark?

And he goes, who's Mark? And she says, the doorman. She's like, you just saw him. When you came in, you saw him. That's the name of the guy in my building that I thought. I know. I just totally forgot. Do you think he's your doormand?

No. He's so hot. Oh, my God. This one's so good. we fucked. He stole my microwave and then quit. Never saw him or the microwave again. What? I like that she like let you like or the micro, just in case we were like not sure she saw the microwave, but not him again. Yeah. He returned my microwave. He's like a microwave bandit.

Like, how do you steal a microwave is my question? Well, if it's on like, sometimes they're just on the counter. No, but like it's a giant appliance. Sometimes there's small ones. I don't know. I mean, you can't steal mine. It's bolted into the wall. But that is a crazy. thing to say. It's like I'm almost as shocked. Like in the hierarchy of weird things to steal, it's like dog microwave refrigerator. Yeah. Like I don't know how you do it. He needed that microwave. He needed some food up. He had leftovers. He wanted to eat him hot. Okay. Oh, you have the next one. This is, she just wrote Boston. She just needs to know she's from Boston. She literally just wrote Boston. Boston. That's what I'm going to start all my emails. Pittsburgh. He used to come home drunk and

chat with my doorman. He gave me a canoli once. I love you, Sterling. She's also like, I didn't fuck him, but let me get on this. She's in love with him, Sterling. My guy gave me Joe's pizza the other night. I was blacked all drunk. There was a whole Joe's pizza. We talked about this. We did a whole expose in your creepy doorman a couple weeks ago. Read the last one so I can read the- Okay. Dorman ain't really a thing in New Zealand. New Zealand. But I once fucked the guy that came to clean my pool. Pull boy dick. Bull boy, pussy. I love how much people ignore us.

They're like, I know that you're talking about a doorman, but I'm not going to talk about that. Also, a lot of my friends, you know, some of your friends just fuck with you on the questions on Instagram, like Bobby Corey, second impression Bobby wrote. Last night you weren't responding to me and I wrote, what the fuck is your problem, bitch? Bobby Corey wrote, what the fuck is this? Who's fucking their doorbed? Oof, speaking of people that fuck. Bobby Corey.

Oof, what a smoke. And then Rob writes, my best guy friend Rob, I've never fantasized about my torment. Okay. This one is so good. I can't wait. You really listen. As opposed to normally when I don't listen.

Do you just have to put it? All right. I'm sorry. Okay. My ex dumped me after dating for like nine months and I left his apartment crying, carrying my shoes. And his doorman took me to dinner that night. And we fucked and still sometimes hook up now almost a year later.

sometimes I bring the doorman lunch just to show off to my dirtbag ex. She fucked her ex's doorman. Listen. The night of the breakup. Psycho or power move on the way out of the building, you find your next boyfriend. Wow. She brings him lunch. She's my hero.

She's like, I'm just here to see Sterling. He's down, her man comes downstairs. He's like, I thought that we ended up. She's like, bitch, I'm not here to see you. I fucked on the way out of your building. She's like, I brought a Jimmy Johns to Sterling. Oh, Jimmy John sounds good. I'm hungry.

That is so wild. That is, I love this. You're right. That's like our power. Also, dormant dick. That ding. Ding, dang. I hope you guys like this.

I'm so glad that you did this. I just, I was drunk last night. I don't know what you were doing. I'm drunk a lot. I know. We also, coming soon, I crowdsourced on Instagram, another game called Foods over dudes that we got a ton of submissions. and we were thinking about doing it today,

but we'll do it later. This was more relevant because we're in the new studio and the new dormant building. Those are so good. Also, we mentioned we were going to do breakup episodes. This one obviously is the topic that we just talked about for an hour and a half. But we also are going to do one relatively soon,

probably within the next month or so, about toxic relationships. And usually those are you are in love with the person. You are passionately in love with this person and it is toxic and it's volatile and what do you do? I'm gonna let you take the floor. No one's, I'll take the floor on that one. No one is ever like in a, well, is anyone ever in a talk

as a relationship with someone they're lukewarm about? Those don't go together. Because you don't fight. You're like, he's so terrible to me. And I'm also not sure about it. The thing you can't help you. When you don't love somebody, you don't really fight it because they don't mean anything to you.

Oh, anyway. Wow. That was a deep thought. Anyway, Dormandik. To wrap up, guys, I haven't hammered you guys a lot on this recently. So please leave us a review on iTunes. Just a little rating. Just click that five stars.

You know, I'm trying to get our ratings up. I have an idea. Leave, like, I probably won't read them anyway because I can't go over there. It's bad for my mental health. I think leave inside jokes. If you're a true listener, just leave Dormantic on iTunes. Just please five stars write Dormand Dick. Please.

We'll have someone else check them because, again, I can't go over there. I do it. I do it on Mondays only. But I would love if we had some reviews that were like very inside joky. You know what I mean? Like, love this podcast, Dormand Dick. Somebody just, or ding-dong five stars.

Ding-dong. I love it. So please do that. You always take us out. So just remember, I'm going to let you guys you. But remember holiday show at December 19th, night two. Yes. And all the other shows that we mentioned earlier,

that there are still a few tickets left at stupid live shows.com, Girls Got Eat, Podcast.com. Click on shows. Girls got eat podcasts on Instagram. Girls underscore Got Eat on Twitter. You guys really send the funniest tweets. I'm posting some of them on our Instagram story. So if you're on Twitter, too.

We'll see you next week. Have a good week. guys. Bye.