Girls Know Nothing - S1 Ep5: Celeb MUA Holly Connolly: Discussing infertility and being diagnosed with POI

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

GKN is a female focused podcast hosted by Sharon Gaffka (@sharongaffka). Girls Know Nothing's fifth guest is CEO and Celebrity MUA - Holly Connolly! Earlier this year, at the age of twenty eight, Holly was diagnosed with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI). POI is the medical term for when a persons ovaries function abnormally before they are 40. During this episode, Holly discusses the symptoms of POI, her diagnosis and experiences with battling infertility. Including the silent battles that aren't as openly discussed.  DISCLAIMER: This is not medical advice, and is only Holly discussing her own story. If you, or someone you know are experiencing symptoms similar to POI, then it is best to speak to a medical professional.  New episodes of Girls Know Nothing 🧡 are released every Thursday, at 08:00 (UK time), perfect for your pre-work routine! All episodes are also available on Spotify, Apple podcasts and wherever you get your podcast fixes!  Dont forget to follow Girls Know Nothing 🧡 on our social channels:  Https://linktr.ee/girlsknownothing  Instagram: @girlsknownothingpod  TikTok: @girlsknownothing

Hi, I'm Richard Karn, and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here, and it's a total game changer. Old-fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's Pocket Pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust-proof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus, your super light and ultra-durable pocket hose Copperhead is backed with a 10-year warranty. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what, an exciting exclusive offer just for you. For a limited time, you can get a free pocket pivot and their 10-patter pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size copperhead hose.

Just text water to 64,000. That's water to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Hose. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethose.com slash terms. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. With Indeed Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates,

so you can reach the people you want faster. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Don't wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed. And listeners of this show will get-K-A-T-Z 13. Just go to Indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13 right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Welcome to episode five of Girls Know Nothing. I can't believe it's gone so quickly already, but I'm super excited to have my fifth guest, Holly. Yeah, this is actually, I've been really excited for this episode for a long time. I'm so excited to be here. I feel privileged. Do you not feel hot instead? It's very hot. Very sweaty, but very, very honored.

No, I've been really excited to have you because when I was like planning this podcast or this episode, I, you know, had so many things that I wanted to talk to you about. And I know that so many of the listeners have asked me about the kinds of things that we're going to talk about. So, you know, I think that they're really going to appreciate the conversation we're going to have as well. But for people that don't necessarily know you, if you want to give like a little bit, a bit of a brief introduction. Sure. So I I'm Holly I'm CEO and founder of lots of different businesses but the one that I'm definitely most proud of is my beauty brand HJ Lashes. I've got my fingers in lots of different pies don't tell my husband but yeah I mean I've been outspoken since 1994 and I guess that's why I'm here today.

I feel like that's why we're going to get on so well. How did you get into like the beauty industry and all the makeup and things like that because you are a celebrity makeup artist. Yes so my story is one of pot luck to be perfectly honest with you. I started doing makeup and I was working in retail at MAC. I was there in Reading for not long at all. I loved it in the beginning and then noticed that it was becoming more sales driven. Yeah. And I couldn't be as creative as I wanted to be. And yeah, left there not long after, probably about six to eight months. And a friend of mine who I went to school with got in touch with me on Instagram and was like, oh, me and my sister in town, she's got got an event can you come and do her makeup so I was like yeah sure no problem

and we were really good family friends when we were younger we both grew up in Spain so I get there and there's like oh paparazzi outside I'm thinking this is a bit weird like what's going on here get upstairs do the makeup and it was Millie Bobby Brown. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Casual. So I literally had no idea just how phenomenally famous she was at the time. And it was when Stranger Things was huge. And it just didn't even cross my mind. Anyway, she said, Oh, I'm gonna tag you on Instagram. I was like, Yeah, sure, babe, like tag my lashes, like, you know, as you do. And then by the time I mean I probably started with about 3,000 followers like the average and by the time I got down to the car

in the car park I was on 15,000 followers wow okay yeah so my um exposure online grew dramatically like crazy amounts within 24 hours it got up to something like 22,000, something like that. So from there, I began to work with her a lot more. I think people like the idea of like, you know, a younger girl working with Millie as well, because she was younger. Yeah. So yeah, it just grew from there. And then I've gained lots of exposure online and been able to work with lots of brands, which then got me in touch with more and more people and got me to where I am today. I would be absolutely terrified. Sometimes when I'm doing my own eyeliner, I'm like...

So if I was doing Millie's, I'd be like, oh my God. It'd be like, all the way up here, I'd be like, I'm sorry. I'll have to leave makeup, never do it again. So no, that's amazing. Yeah. I would, you know, I've always wanted to know, nightmare clients? You know what? For me, a nightmare client has always been Tracy on a Friday night who wants

a smoky eye for the pub. It's never, ever been somebody famous or I've never like, you know, I say it all the time. The more famous the client I've worked with, the nicer they are. They're lovely people. And they're just like us anyway. And, you know, to be honest with you, they don't fuss, they don't get funny. So, yeah, the harder clients. That's really surprising. Because people automatically assume

if you're a celebrity makeup artist, that the client of yours that's going to be the most annoying and hard work is going to be the biggest celeb. Or maybe like the celeb on the rise. Sure, sure. And that's what I always used to think as well. Because sometimes people get really surprised when they,

I've had makeup artists show up and be like, oh, I'm surprised you're so nice. And I was like, thanks, I think. Like, I don't really know how to take that, but sure. No, so I can imagine like, actually, I think a lot of my friends at makeup artists said their worst client is, it's not even their client,

it's when they do prom makeup, it's the parents of the prom. Oh my God, yes. Like person. Yeah. Parents are a nightmare. Not even the client, it's the parents of the client.

That's so true. That's so true. So true. But that's really amazing to like hear your story and obviously you've had your fingers in so many pies. Yeah. Actually, when you said you used to work at MAC in Readingding i was thinking you've probably color matched my foundation probably probably because mac and redding was where i got where i started getting into makeup in the first place

so yeah literally i used to work in the benefit around the corner from it like oh my god yeah yeah i was in the the house of fraser one yeah yes that's like kind of where all my makeup started too so very small world very small world um I guess like you know I'm gonna get digs probably for trying to get into serious topics but go on you know obviously one of the things I was really keen on talking to you about is about your journey with your fertility sure um I know you've been very open about you know obviously when Roe v Wade was happening about very open about, you know, obviously when Roe v. Wade was happening, about very open about sharing your journey with fertility and how hard it can be for a woman, regardless of your choices.

Absolutely. What direction you want to go in. You know, I actually, I've heard of early menopause, but I've never actually heard of POF before. So do you want to like give us a bit of an explanation of what it is? Sure. So the term POF is used by the NHS, but people that are actually suffering from POF, we prefer the term POI,

just because lots of people don't like the word failure being used when describing a condition, which I absolutely agree on. And POI stands for premature ovarian insufficiency. So it varies very much so for women in all different stages and ages of their lives. But for me specifically, from my own experience, mine was, I had healthy eggs. My eggs were great. There just wasn't any of them. Oh, okay. Yes. So, you know, my doctor described it to me as like a shop window full of beautiful handbags but there's only one

so you know it's one of those situations where you're either going to get lucky or it's time to put the pressure on and crack on with IVF egg freezing and further treatment really because I didn't like I did a little bit of googling but I didn't go too much into it I always automatically assumed that POI meant that you did have some but they're just not coming out or like you know you just they just weren't sticking sure so like that's really interesting to hear and I know that you've spoken a lot about symptoms you've experienced with POI um you know I think that there's a lot lot of other diagnoses out there for women that maybe is the reason why they struggle with fertility. So how does POI differentiate between, well, how do you know it's POI and not something else?

Well, you know what, that's a really tough question. It's funny you say that because what I've learned from POI, I've learned mostly through other women. So I was so terrified about posting, going public with my diagnosis because it's really scary. And to be so vulnerable when I'm such a happy person online normally, I was absolutely shitting myself, to be honest with you. I remember my husband saying, hold, just do it, otherwise you'll never know. And I think where I'd had such poor support from

medical professionals that would that had diagnosed me women online really coming together changed my whole view of the whole thing and made it such a not a positive experience but made me feel more supported and less alone in my diagnosis. So the symptoms mostly were hot sweats at night, which were very uncomfortable. Carrying weight around my middle, like feeling really bloated, really heavy. No matter how I was working out, what I was eating, I could not shift this like barrel feeling around my middle. Irregular periods was the biggest thing. Initially, I put it down to coming off the pill and like letting my hormones balance, but that really didn't change anything. There's lots of other symptoms as well. I mean, hair thinning, my skin changing the most. I know this sounds crazy, and it's probably not

medically very professional, but I remember going to have my Botox done. And it's one of my girlfriends, and she was like, are you pregnant? You're really sensitive. And I remember going to have my Botox done. Yeah. And it's one of my girlfriends. And she was like, are you pregnant? You're really sensitive. And I remember being in tears over my Botox. I'm like, Botox doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. And she was like, what's happened to you? She's like, do you want to talk?

And I said, no. I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. My skin is so sensitive. And I remember when we had that lovely weather, like back in April or May, I was burning in pub gardens like my skin had changed so drastically I remember reaching out to a friend online and saying like do you know what this is you said oh get your hormones checked okay and

that was when I started thinking about oh you know maybe it's about time my husband and I went to have some fertility testing because they do all that with you. Okay. So yeah, it went from there really. And then that led to my diagnosis. So did you go straight to like the hormonal fertility testing? Or did you go and try and find other avenues to find out what was going on? No, I went straight for fertility testing. I had it booked in already. The ironic thing being my husband's 42. Yeah. And he already has kids from a previous relationship. But in my mind, and in his mind, he was like, Oh, you know, I think I'm going to be a bit of a problem. Like all he's done is drink vodka and vape for like for the past 15 years. Some men can just get away. Some men get away with murder, don't they? And I think, right.

I said, Okay, I'm more than happy to go and have the testing. Let's see where we stand. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, get there. Hi, I'm Richard Karn. And you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here. And it's a total game changer. Old-fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's Pocket Pivot swivels 360

degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust-proof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus, your super light and ultra-durable Pocket Hose Copperhead is backed with a 10-year warranty. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what, an exciting exclusive offer just for you. For a limited time, you can get a free Pocket Pivot and their 10-pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text WATER to 64000. That's WATER to 64000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64000.

By texting 64000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Hose. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethost.com slash terms. He was all proud as punch because he had 30 million Olympic swimmers. And there's me with POI. And I thought, what the bloody hell has happened here? Yeah. I've lived a very healthy life. I've never so much broken a bone. And it was such a shock. And it just all, you know, rollercoastered, snowballed from there, really. So when it came to your diagnosis, did they ever like look at anything in your family tree? Is this like completely out of the blue for you? Yeah, so they were asking me about my mum and my nanny on both sides, whether they had,

whether they suffered from early menopause or any symptoms, neither of them did on either side. And they can't really find a reason for it except for chemotherapy and radiotherapy, like cancer treatment, which I've never had, or repeated medicine use. Right. So the only medicine that I'd been consistently taking

was the contraceptive pill. Right. Okay. And, you know, I probably should be quite careful how I word this, but after sharing my thoughts on how the pill could have potentially caused this this problem um the outpour of people getting in touch with me saying the same thing was very overwhelming and very scary um and you know I'm not gonna go too much into that in case I'm assassinated on the way home but I think at the same time it's worth discussing you know the things that we are putting into our bodies yeah all you have to do is read the side effects on the side of the packet there's just too many there's too many there's too too many and when I had my second opinion she did say to me you know I think this is manageable I think this is from prolonged use of the pill okay interesting so it

was very interesting. Yeah, because I did want to talk to you about how you decided to go for a second opinion. Yeah. And I think that's really important because there's a lot of things that I've seen from a lot of different illnesses and stuff where people have never gone to get a second opinion

and then found that the first one is wrong. Yes. So, you know, what was your reasoning for going to get a second opinion? And obviously, you said that it was more holistic approach. Yeah, I definitely wanted a more holistic approach. But I think I was living in denial, to be honest with you. I was literally at home thinking, no, this isn't me. No way. Like all I have done my whole life is win. I'm one of those people that, you know, I have to be successful. I have to do this. I have to have that. And when it came to something that is the most natural thing in the

world, it wasn't coming naturally to me. And I think for me, that was a real turning point where I thought, right, I'm either going to crack this and fix it, or I'm going to give up. And I've never been one to give up. So I thought it's time to crack on and, you or I'm going to give up and I've never been one to give up so I thought it's time to crack on and you know look into other methods and see where else I could go what else I could try and when I'd shared about my diagnosis people had said to me have you tried this have you tried that and a lot of it was acupuncture and Chinese medicine as well and um about changes in your diet so it's the thing when you're talking about um being in denial um you do do vlogs and have content out there that is talking about your diagnosis and i did watch one of your youtube videos where you said that you received your

initial diagnosis over zoom oh yeah um and that kind of blows my mind because especially if you're paying for a service, I couldn't imagine somebody getting a cancer diagnosis over Zoom because that's a really an emotional thing. And, you know, as a healthcare professional, you should be there to support the patient you're looking after. Oh, 100%. I'll be honest, we were offered a face-to-face consultation, which I wanted. And I said, yep, more than happy to go for the face-to-face, blah, blah, blah. And then they got in touch with me the week prior on the Friday. I got my results on the Monday. And they said to me, oh, the doctor's no longer available to meet you on Monday. Do you mind doing it over Zoom? And I said to my husband, I'll never forget

this. I said to him, oh, it's fine. It's going to be all it's fine it's gonna be good news it's gonna be good news because it's over zoom they're not gonna tell me I can't have kids over zoom yeah because it seems like a very inhumane thing yes to do yes and like you there's no way to gauge someone's reaction or give them any kind of emotional mental support or even to be able to discuss next steps because you're not in the same room as that person. Like if I had a phone call from somebody saying, oh, we'll just do it over the Zoom, then I would be like, well, it must be good because there's no way that you could tell me.

You just assume it's not going to be that bad. Yeah. Yeah. But I was lucky my husband was there to support me because as soon as she told me, I just burst into tears. Understandably. And it was the shock of it all and thinking, oh my God, is this really happening and it

all just became very surreal and like I was living in a dream so like a couple of weeks after the initial diagnosis I know you said on your YouTube channel as well that you really struggled to get in contact with the healthcare professionals that were initially giving you your diagnosis how like what were those couple of weeks after? Like, what was that like for you? And how did that make you feel? Oh, God. You know, without being dramatic, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was bloody hard. And trying to explain that to my husband and trying to get his support was really hard as well. It's really hard to have this conversation with a man. Yeah. I know that's a quite suggestive sentence, but it really is. And I was obviously having conversations with my mum and that my mum was my biggest rock at the time. And she said to me,

you know, well, do you know anybody else? I said, no, no. I felt like the elephant man. I thought, I don't know anybody else with this. I've never even heard of it. What does this mean for me? My body thinks I'm like a 50-year-old woman. I'm not even 30 yet. So there was a lot going through my mind, but it affected my mental health more than anything I've ever experienced. And it was just that constant feeling of being a failure where I think I'm not a failure. You know, I work really hard. I want everything to be perfect. And again, it was a really horrible time, really horrible time. So by reaching out to people online,

that was the best thing I ever did. I think it's that notion where, you know, we're always told and convinced that as women that we are there to procreate and you feel like because it's so natural if you if you have struggles or issues being able to do it then you must be a failure because you're not being you can't do so naturally what you were here to do exactly essentially um and i can imagine that being a really tough conversation especially if you definitely know you want children.

Because then you're thinking, oh, is it ever going to happen and all these other parts. But, you know, again, when you finally did get contact with somebody, it was for an invoice? Oh, God, yeah. So my initial doctors that I saw, I didn't hear from them for ages

and I had to chase them on two different occasions. And I was thinking, oh, like, this is a bit weird because I wanted to take my results to another doctor. And I was chasing, asking for the bloods and my husband's semen analysis, everything. So anyway, I was just ignored. And then I remember calling them on the Friday morning, very stroppy and saying, hello, am I just going to be ignored here when I've had this horrible news where do I even go from here and it was at that point where I started getting a bit angry yeah of course and that was when I thought no this is where I'm taking this into my own hands and it's crunch time now you know I've done my crying I've been upset about it but now I'm ready

to really fight this so the email I finally received was the Friday afternoon after throwing a hissy fit. And it was a pamphlet on how infertility may affect you. And then an invoice for £13,000 for egg freezing so that was before I'd even looked into IVF or got any idea of what the rest would cost me but they suggested three rounds of taking eggs because she said 13 grand each no that 13 grand was for the three rounds okay but obviously due to the condition the chances of you finding one that would work yeah they said that you'd have to have the 13 grand option. Right, okay. So I said, no.

Hi, I'm Richard Karn, and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here, and it's a total game changer. Old-fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's Pocket Pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust-proof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus, your super light and ultra-durable Pocket Hose Copperhead is backed with a 10-year warranty.

What could be better than that? I'll tell you what, an exciting exclusive offer just for you. For a limited time, you can get a free pocket pivot and their 10-pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text WATER to 64000. That's WATER to 64000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Host.

Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethost.com slash terms. Like, I just said to my husband, no. I said, I'm not doing this. I want a second opinion. And I want to try a more natural, holistic approach.

And, you know, if we don't get lucky within that six-month period, then we'll have to think of something else being slapped with a 13 000 pound invoice after receiving such horrific news is really unfair because you know the average person doesn't have 13 000 pounds sitting in their piggy bank at home in case they have infertility like issues exactly and that's another thing as well like listening to your story and seeing things that you've put out online and conversations you've had with other people it's weird for me on the outside looking in yeah everyone puts so much

pressure on women to be able to have children to you know or you're shunned in society if you don't want children oh absolutely but then infertility issues aren't taken as seriously. Like you were ignored for a couple of weeks. You weren't given any emotional or mental support. Men don't always necessarily know what to do with their partners. And then you feel alone and then you don't really know what to do. And, you know, how did you actually manage that? Because if you couldn't speak to your husband

and your mum was there. Yeah. I think, again, strangers on the internet provided me with so much comfort and so much support. You know, some people didn't even have a profile photo. And I think, like, it's so amazing that people are so happy to share their story with me as well like yes I was very brave in what I did but I wasn't doing it for clout I was doing it because

I needed to find out what was wrong with me and I needed to find out where this was going to go because that's what was scaring me the most the fear of the unknown of the condition and when people were reaching out to me and saying oh look you know messages of hope was what got me through that situation entirely people saying yeah you know I've been trying for six years and here I am now pregnant with twins or yeah I've been trying this we didn't work for us we did IVF after three rounds here we are with our baby so it works for everybody I think at the right time as well there's a lot of timing that goes into it and a lot of preparation for a lot of couples that people totally don't see like that's the craziest part as well where you think oh yeah get married

have a baby it's really not as easy as that no and I think actually my so my grandmother had two had twins yeah two boys at the age I think she was 45 oh my god because she was told that she couldn't have children and then all of a sudden there was two of them so like it does happen but then it's that whole pressure of constantly being asked you know you were married earlier this year yeah um and how quickly the questions come about oh when you plan on having a family honestly honestly I got married on the 20th of Feb no joke a week later they're like oh can't wait for the baby shower and I'm like guys I haven't been on my honeymoon yet just let me enjoy a little bit of married life first yeah I like my husband I would like to spend time with him first you know I'm selfish in that way before we introduce anybody else you're allowed to be selfish yeah like is that all right yeah because

having a child you're giving up your life essentially to be able to look after somebody else yeah everyone says it's 18 years but I'm 27 in December and I definitely still phone my dad when something's wrong in my house or when there's a spider in my bathroom oh tell me about it you know everyone says 18 years but I I know from my own behavior, there's definitely not. So yeah, no, no, you're entitled to be selfish and want to do your own things first. Yeah. But then, you know, when you feel that pressure from family members, from friends, and then like, you know, you called yourself selfish for wanting to be able to do other things

first. I did also see in your vlog that, you you know you didn't want to initially have children until you were post 30 yeah and then now all of a sudden do you feel like with your diagnosis it was pressure it was now or potentially never yeah so my husband and I had said we wanted to go on our honeymoon we wanted to do lots of traveling this year. You know, COVID had really set us back in terms of traveling as well. So I said, you know, I'd like to go away, like to do more things. And not just that,

I wanted to excel in my career a bit more. And something that really concerned me was being taken seriously as a mother in business. And I know that's probably not a very nice thing to say, but a lot of the businesses that I've been working in, they're very male dominated. And I would lot of the businesses that I've been working in they're very male dominated and I would have hated the idea of a man being like oh yeah well you know don't invite Holly to the Christmas party she's got four fucking kids like you know things like

that where there is that stigma attached to women wanting to have it all but are we allowed to have it all like is that okay like sometimes it feels like yes we we allowed to have it all? Like, is that okay? Like, sometimes it feels like, yes, we're expected to do this, expected to do that. But we're not really. Do you understand what I mean? Yeah, no, I understand what you mean. I think I've been in situations where I've had interviews and someone turned around to me and said, I wouldn't recommend taking this job if you're planning on having children anytime soon. Oh, absolutely. And it terrifies women nowadays that you're worried about being denied opportunities because you want to have children.

But then, especially if you're not ready, off camera, I mentioned to you that I'd experienced a miscarriage earlier this year. I'd actually never spoken about it to anyone apart from my closest friends. And then, you get torn like you I was saying to you that people say oh you know one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage anyway so you know you shouldn't feel bad about it happens to everyone well no absolutely I had

this conversation with some girlfriends recently saying why do we not tell anybody we're pregnant until after 12 weeks? You know, if it were to be a miscarriage, God forbid, does that make it any less of a situation? Like, does that make it any less of a life or any less of a child? Like, it's a very strange situation where like, we should normalize telling people we're pregnant when we're pregnant, rather than being like, you know, I I'm not gonna I'm gonna wait to not say anything or blah blah blah in case of but then on the flip side of that is like would you rather tell people you were pregnant or that you had a miscarriage but why can't we make miscarriage as talked about as pregnancy yeah because actually with mine like when I actually

reached out to my friends I thought I was going to be the only one yeah and actually turned out that quite a lot of my friends had also had a similar experience and I'd been friends with them for 10 years exactly and we'd never once and I think I don't know why people are scared to talk about I don't know if it's the notion of feeling like you're a failure um or if you're you know that's also a thing that's a worry to other friends like I've got friends in my circle who are at different stages of sure some of us don't want children some of us do some of us are trying and it's hard so we're at different stages and we're trying to like not upset each other absolutely also talk about your problems and I think it's it is really hard like especially when you said people yeah came to you and said you shouldn't call it POF yes it should be POI yeah and I think it's

because a lot I feel like it's a lot of people a lot of women like yourself have been so successful everything else they just don't want to admit that there's something that out of their control you're so right that they they don't know what to do anything about or if anyone can even take them seriously because there is something wrong with them exactly no that's exactly it and that's how I felt about posting my diagnosis I was saying to my husband I don't want to do that I'm embarrassed I was like are you ashamed of me it's like don't be fucking stupid but you know you have all these crazy thoughts going through your mind where you think oh people are going to say that's that girl that can't have kids and you don't want to be labeled as that when I've done so many other wonderful things

yeah yeah it's one of those things isn't it and it's weird it's like um I mean everyone's opinion on this person's different but you know when Theresa May was running for prime minister because she had no kids even other women that were running for prime minister were using that against her to say like well she can't be caring nurturing person she's not a mother whatever and you know that's really unfair because that might have been her choice yeah but you know Theresa May might have a dog what's the difference my dog takes up far too much of my time so if I wanted to I don't think I could have time for a baby right now but that's the thing like it's always stigma attached to whether you want to and then obviously I'm an I'm one of those people I'm like I don't know

yes I want to yeah I could go either way and I would you think that's because of your recent experience or have you always felt like that I think at all now I'm being questioned but it's interesting to talk about because sometimes like I was in a similar position at the beginning of the year and I was like I used to go for a pub lunch with my husband on a Sunday and be like screaming kids oh yeah hangover like jumping all over in a climbing frame like covered in snot and I'm like yeah in Tesco's it sends shivers down my spine when I hear a kid screaming not for me but then that's the thing like I guess at the moment I don't feel pressure also I'm not married I'm not in relationships that's probably why I'm a bit like oh I could go either way sure but you know

and then I think that situation made me think all of a sudden now I actually have to think about it regardless of whether I'm ready or not yes and like that's that's terrifying because you could spend 13,000 pounds to have all of your eggs frozen and have all of these conversations have all these consultations and it's very invasive it's not very easy with men it's just a little yeah here and there and exactly all of a sudden you know what the treatment and the testing it makes you feel like shit yeah it makes you feel rubbish and I think to myself like oh you know I feel like I'm being prodded and poked in every place possible not not not in the fun way either and I think like, why am I doing all of this for something that

I maybe might not want either? Like when it comes to having kids or like that whole thought process, when I went for my fertility testing, I was like, oh, well, it is what it is. Yeah. But then as soon as I was told I couldn't,

it was like, it just changed everything. Makes you re-evaluate things. Totally. But then again, like obviously with your age and like how you said you wanted to have kids later on in life does did you all of a sudden feel pressure to be ready now yeah yeah I did the pressure was on do you feel now that you have like a sense of

responsibility because you have a social media following and you have like a platform to be able to support other women through their own diagnosis oh absolutely um you know I spoke on my last vlog about organizing an event to get all of us girls together and to be able to talk openly just like we are now openly freely and to come along and like make friends something else I was at a beauty event this morning I said to the girls I was like it's so nice to make friends like Something else, I was at a beauty event this morning. I said to the girls, I was like, it's so nice to make friends. Like I never go anywhere anymore, especially when you're self-employed. I don't make friends anymore. I've had the same friends for 10 years. They're on my hinder and that's it. It's such an adult thing. It's such an adult thing. So, you know, it would be nice to make friends with people who you can relate to as well. Because I tried to have conversations with my friends about that. And they're like, oh, listen, Holly, it'll be nice to make friends with people who you can relate to as well. Because I tried to have conversations with my friends about that.

And they're like, oh, listen, Holly, it'll be fine. You'll be all right. And they're only being positive and hopeful. But sometimes I want someone to say, you know what? You're having a really bad day, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, you are. And when I went, after I said that on the vlog,

I had lots of people messaging me saying, oh, please, can you actually do that event? That would be really, really nice. so I would definitely like to create something I've got something in the pipeline for probably middle of November come along if you wish and we um my husband and I are going to do it together and just get everybody in the same room and try and get in some speakers and people to have a little chat with them or even just you know maybe get some people from Z to West where I had the um the second opinion done just to come and talk and just spread a bit of hope I think that's been the biggest thing for me to keep me

going and just to have a chat about the symptoms yeah because I did see as well in one of your vlogs about um your ovulating strips yeah and this is the thing that people don't talk about as well. When you're trying to conceive, how many ridiculously hard, long, timely things you have to do as a woman to be able to do it. Honestly, it's crazy. Do you think that your diagnosis and all of the mental health struggles that you've had

since your diagnosis has put a massive strain on your marriage? Yeah. I think I'm really lucky in a way that my husband is very supportive. He's very good. And, you know, I'm not going to sit here and slag him off. But I think talking to a man about things that are going on inside a woman's body is going to be hard for anyone. Unless you are a woman you haven't experienced this or these kind of symptoms and we're lucky that we are such a strong couple

that we've been able to get through this in a positive way but I can 100% see how people can split up over this you know I remember thinking and saying to my girlfriends, just being like totally insecure and paranoid, thinking, you know, my husband's had kids before. Is he going to go and meet someone else that can give him a baby when I can't? And that's a really horrible thing to say about my husband because I love and adore him. But that's where I'm going back to that whole mental health of the situation,

being crazy. Like, no, my husband's not going to leave me like we're very happily married we love each other very much but again it's just things that really play on your mind and you can't help but think it I guess when you're in that mental cycle of thinking about the negative things totally you go from another failure is my marriage going to fail now you go from like making a mountain out of a molehill totally don't you and i actually you know that's the thing as well you do you even though the stories are in a minority you do hear yeah of people that have had failed relationships as a result of infidelity and i guess that when you hear one person's story you just take it's

gospel that that will be everybody's story. Sure, sure. And I think as well, you know, with couples, especially these days, people aren't having babies until they're a lot older. And that's not just because they want to party and do whatever. It's because they can't afford it. You know, it's very expensive raising a child. It's expensive to live these days anyway.

So, you know, I had a conversation with a friend this morning saying, how do people buy houses? How do people do things and get married? these days anyway. So, you know, I had a conversation with a friend this morning saying, how do people buy houses? How do people do things and get married and have a baby and do all the other things that come with it when the cost of living is so high? And then if you've got a fertility issue, God forbid, it's 13 grand to get started. So again, you know, leaving things a bit later is fine but something I would recommend is if you are experiencing symptoms because you can be as young as 19 20 I've had girls reaching out to me that have been diagnosed I had one girl reach out to me who was amazing she had her first baby after being diagnosed with POI at 21 and she had an IVF baby all through the NHS. And she said she was like, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

It was the best decision I ever made. And, you know, to me, 21 is so young. Yeah. It's so, so young. And my sister's 21. I think I couldn't imagine my sister with a baby. Like, I let alone like let us hang around my dogs for long enough. So, you know, it's situations like that.

And I think if you are able to get tested, see where you stand and make decisions earlier on to be able to have that advantage and make sure that you have that peace of mind as well. So the final question is something I ask everyone that sits in your chair. What would you say to somebody that doubts your success now or your future success based on the fact that you're a woman? Wow, that is a very powerful question. Ladies, you absolutely can have it all. There is no stopping you when it comes to anything. I think a big part of it is dreaming believing achieving having that goal and reaching it and you know for me in business I've always been led that way and just thinking to yourself

you know a lot of the time if you're struggling my best and my mum said to me when I found out my diagnosis she said Holly everything you've been through, all the best parts in your life have never come easy. They've always been a bloody struggle. There's always been an issue or a problem trying to get to the end ultimate goal of success, however you describe that. For anybody that would doubt myself or any other woman working in business or whatever, the only person that should be doubting anybody is, you know, if you're going to doubt anybody, it has to be yourself. Because I think you can't judge anybody else. You can't look at anyone else and think, oh, well, you know, they're doing this and I'm doing that. It doesn't work like that. You are your own worst enemy and you are your own

competition. So either way, you have to look at a situation and take it on. Stop looking at what everybody else is doing around you and focus on yourself and achieving your own goals. And yeah, the success will come naturally with that. But in terms of having it all um you know I went through a tough time during COVID not being able to work and I've come out the other end and I've been through a tough time with my fertility and now I'm pregnant honestly I when you first said it I was like I got goosebumps all over my body and I actually thought I was gonna burst into tears tears for you. Oh, I know. So, you know, after everything we've spoke about today, I've had my happy ending. You know, I'm 12 weeks. I'm really excited to see where this is going to go. Obviously, it's been a very nervous journey. And, you know, I've been wanting to scream it from the rooftop since I

found out. But it's like goes back to our conversation earlier like why can't we normalize that you know so um yeah it's a really exciting time and regardless of what you go through there is always always always light at the end of the tunnel so don't ever underestimate yourself nothing is impossible I think that's a really powerful message and I guess we're gonna have to end on a massive congratulations. Thank you. To you and the husband for getting pregnant. We did it. No, I'm so happy for you. And I actually can't wait to now see you document your pregnancy journey and host your event to help other women just like you. Absolutely. Thank you for joining my podcast. Thanks for having me. Hi,

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