Girls Know Nothing - S1 Ep6: Ayesha Perry-Iqbal talks Domestic Violence, Being an Influencer and previous curve model & how she is supporting women.

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

Ayesha Perry-Iqbal has over 650k followers on her Instagram, she has previously been a curve model for some of the biggest brands globally. Ayesha is now talking to Sharon about her career and how she was a victim to domestic abuse very candidly. Ayesha is now helping women publicly and working along side charities to do this! Watch our episode on Youtube:  https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=girls+know+nothing

Hi, I'm Richard Karn, and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here, and it's a total game changer. Old-fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's Pocket Pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust-proof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus, your super light and ultra-durable pocket hose Copperhead is backed with a 10-year warranty. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what, an exciting exclusive offer just for you. For a limited time, you can get a free pocket pivot and their 10-patter pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size copperhead hose.

Just text water to 64,000. That's water to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Hose. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethose.com slash terms. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. With Indeed Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates,

so you can reach the people you want faster. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Don't wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed. And listeners of this show will get-K-A-T-Z 13. Just go to Indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13 right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Welcome to another episode of Girls know nothing i have the fabulous aisha perry ikbal yes i was like trying to make sure i get your name correctly this time um who moved to la when you were young went to went into modeling a little bit of actressing in films that's not actressing acting yes um and now you have moved on to more of a women's rights space. So I'm,

thank you for being a guest on my podcast. I'm excited to learn a lot more about you. And I'm sure a lot of the listeners are as well. So do you maybe want to give like a little bit more of an introduction to yourself? Hi, I'm Aisha. I'm from Wales originally. I moved to LA when I was 21 to pursue my dreams as obviously most people do when they go to LA. I am the first Pakistani plus model in the United States, which has its own dramas in itself. And yeah, from that space, I've used my platform and my career to really move into a space where I've been able to reach a lot of women, talk about healthy relationships with themselves in a body positive space, but also how to learn to set healthy boundaries and love themselves so they can ultimately have healthy relationships with

other people, which goes into what I advocate for, which is domestic violence and sexual assault. And I have joined with a charity over in the US. And I am the head of the domestic violence division over there. Wow, that's a lot. Yeah, I got a lot of strings to your bow, I guess. But we should just start in the beginning. You know, how did you get into modeling in the first place? I actually fell into modeling. It was not something I wanted to do at all. I graduated college and I wanted to start acting. And I'm obviously curvy and ethnic. And then I went and met up with a manager

and the manager said to me, well, you're really pretty, but you're too fat to be the lead, but you're also too pretty to be the best friend. So you need to pick one or the other. And that kind of was like a blow. And I was much slimmer than I am now back then. So that was really like such a psychological blow for me.

And then I was out with my friends at dinner a few nights after that. And they had all started modeling because the curve industry had just started at this point. They were like, oh, you should start modeling, just try it. And I was like, no. And then they forced me to take my digitals and I got signed within the week

and I'm the type of person that if I'm going to go for something, I just go for it. So I decided to go with the modeling and then seven years later I was still modeling doing campaigns and stuff all over the world and part of the group of girls I guess from LA that were really making waves for the first group of curve girls in the states that must be quite a hard thing to hear that like you know you're too fat to do what you want to do? Because I don't think you're fat at all. I don't think I'm fat either. But unfortunately, I mean, I still think now

they have this stigma of you're fat or fat phobia. But back then, like 10 years ago, even when I was a teenager auditioning for colleges here, I went to a summer school. I won't mention the name of the school, but I went to a summer school and they gave't mention the name of the school, but I went to a summer school and they gave me the scholarship that year because of my talent.

I auditioned for the school. They weighed me when I got to the audition and I was 16. And they called my mom and told her that I will never do dance or anything within the industry because my legs are too big and I'm like obese, apparently.

And I was 16. How did that make you feel? That put me in a space of like body dysmorphia I never had an eating disorder yet eating disorder sorry but I definitely really watched my weight all the way through even right after college. Yeah because I think that there's a lot of stigma around like that kind of industry for having for putting a lot of pressure, not just on women, but on men as well, for how their bodies are and how they look. And I guess that's probably why the plus size industry became such a big thing, because people that weren't in the industry all of a sudden felt like they look like somebody or felt a bit more relatable. Yeah. But I also think the problem with the plus size industry is there's like two different scales.

So it's like, we call it the straight size industry, which is like the regular fashion models that are like zero to two or four, whatever, in the States. So that would be like four to eight, right? Four, six, six to eight, sorry. Yeah, six to eight, yeah. That might, eight might be even too big. And then past that, it's like,

there's a point where you have to like sit on where you're not promoting obesity and unhealthiness. It's kind of like, I agree that you should love yourself no matter what size you are, 100%. But I do think that you should be healthy and happy at the size that you are, if that makes sense. So it went from extremely skinny to extremely big. And now it's starting to like,

get into a space of like inclusivity for all. Even though I still think there's obviously work to do, but it has to go that way before it comes back. Do you think that makes it plus size modeling or like the plus size industry in general more confusing because you have to make, I feel like from what you've said, it sounds like it's more effort to kind of make sure that you're in that right box.

Well, yeah, because so you have sample size for straight size, you have sample size for plus size, and I'm too small for sample size for plus size, but I can't model at straight size. So when I first started in the industry, I had this pressure on me to put on weight. So everything that straight size girls have to lose weight, I had the opposite.

Oh, your boobs are kind of small for a plus size girl. Maybe you should think about getting a boob job. So I've gone my whole life hearing, you're too fat yeah to you're too small so it's like yeah a spectrum of like and that I think a lot of people don't realize that there are those pressures as a plus size girl and a lot of us when we first started in the industry were we fell victim to those things until we started being like no is that kind of what made you want to move to the US then because well I was already doing this in the US this is where I started my

career so yeah I think over here in the UK the problem was initially was it was very whitewashed there was no ethnicities at all and I left was around a lot of ethnicities, and they're showing more diversity in ethnic space in the US. And then I come back over here and they started doing it like five, six years after. And now it's cool to be brown. But it wasn't when I was growing up. It was just white people everywhere in imagery, advertisement, TV and film. I'm sure you can relate to that. Yeah, because I talk about it a lot all the time about how there's such a minority of Asian people in any form of media whatsoever.

And I always get brushed with like, oh, I've got a personal chip on my shoulder. But it's about, you know, when you're younger, being able to see something that looks like you or something that represents you in media. And I think, you know, when you said that you were the first Pakistani model, plus size model in the US, that kind of baffled me.

Because the US is so big, there must have been like a Pakistani community out there. No, really wasn't. Like it just paved, being the first one in anything to pave the way in a part of the industry that's already trying to pave the way for like diversity was so hard. Like you're losing jobs to girls that are more castable white girls. And you're fighting to be seen. You're fighting for other girls, not just for you. And it just feels like you're constantly part of this like political journey. And that's why I also feel like doing things for women in a bigger sense is,

it's already part, it's been a part of my entire career. So now just going into a space where I'm doing this 100%, it's like just normal. Did you ever feel like you wanted to give up because you were paving the way for not just plus size women but also Pakistani women? Oh yeah it's so tiring it's so tiring you just get judgments from everywhere even like online everyone has an opinion about you you're not this enough you're not this enough, you're not that enough. And thankfully, I'm a very solid, confident person. And I've always been very good at like looking back inside myself and knowing what I stand for and what I want to do and standing my ground.

And I think that's what's really helped me. But there's been so many moments that I think a lot of girls would have quit and probably moved back home or just not been in the industry. Yeah, because you said that being a Pakistani plus size woman has brought its own dramas. What's the experience that sticks out to you the most? Well, because I'm half Pakistani and half Welsh. So for me, I grew up in the westernized culture.

Yeah. Even though I'm very aware of my Muslim counterparts and my brownness and how I experience the world, it's very hard as a mixed race person in general. But to be that particular mix, being liberated with my body is offensive in certain areas of my Pakistani culture, but it's also liberating for them at the same time.

So you have that. And then on top of it, having other ethnicities not allow you to be your ethnic self, whitewashing you and deciding that you're white when it's convenient for them, instead of allowing you to be who you identify as and how you experience the world as an ethnic minority. So I think that is really complex in itself, but then having to do that in the industry. Hi, I'm Richard Karn, and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is here, and it's a total game

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Pocket Hose. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethose.com slash terms. It's just really hard. Yeah, I guess when you've got, when you have to, well, you kind of have to listen to people's opinions, don't you? Because they're the ones that help you make your career and you don't know whose opinion you're supposed to be listening to. Well, when my first agency, they, I had really long, dark hair

and they decided to tell me I need to dye my hair blonde because that would make me more sellable. So they tried to whitewash me down, and I literally went bleach blonde. It ruined my hair. But I looked like all the other California girls that were doing the surfery California brands. But I'm not a white girl, so give those roles to white girls.

Give those jobs to white girls. So then when I changed my agency, and then decided to go more back to my girls, give those jobs to white girls. So then when I changed my agency and then decided to go more like back to my ethnicity, then they're like, well, we don't really know where to place you. So it's like you're sitting on the fence of like you either whitewash yourself and book, but then you're going against all the other girls and take away the piece of you to get jobs, or you stand in your ground and you're getting, you are working and the jobs that you're getting make impact, but it's harder to get them. I guess, is that why you kind of wanted to leave like modeling behind? I think it doesn't really fulfill me creatively it's very boring being on set all day changing

outfits and I know that some girls love it and I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that I've been afforded and where it's taken me in the world and the people I've met but for me I've been so creative my whole life and modeling just doesn't take it far enough for me and I think doing it for seven years I've done everything that I wanted to do as far as modeling and I just I'm ready for something more I need more substance in my life yeah I think one thing people don't realize about modeling as well I'm not a model in any sense of the word but I've done shoots where I've been like I'm so tired I don't want to be prodded and poked anymore to be put into another outfit like leave me alone so you know I take my hats off to women that do that every day oh it's hard work being a model it's hard work and then

people forget that not only you're on set all day a lot of our jobs are like on you have to get on flights you're always alone that's That's a lot mentally in itself. And sometimes you're going to jobs in places, like in the States. You're going to states where you literally know no one. There's no one around. You're just going to your hotel, going to the job, back to the hotel.

Or there's been times where I've gone from LA to New York. That is like a red eye overnight flight, which is like five, six hours. So I've done a shoot in LA, get on my flight, LA to New York. That is like a red-eye overnight flight, which is like five, six hours. So I've done a shoot in LA, get on my flight, get to New York, and I go straight to set in New York. And I'm exhausted. I've not had any sleep. I've slept on the flight on the way there.

So everyone thinks the modeling is easy. And glamorous. And it is glamorous in a sense. You get your hair and makeup done. You look beautiful you get to wear these amazing clothes you get to meet amazing people you get to be on campaigns billboards whatever it is but it's lonely and tiring and hard work yeah I can imagine and I mean when you said you wanted to go down a more creative route and you had been acting previously when you were younger and when

I did google you you were the first thing that came about you even though you said it was a long time ago it was a while ago yeah is the is it carp idea yeah that's right isn't it carb idm no I was in ride and ride I've been in a bunch of that's come up I've been in other films too but that was a like a short film okay but I was in this movie called Ride it's on Netflix that's a long form film like a feature film but I've done a lot of stuff I did a lot of acting here when I was younger I was on like Casualty and Doctor Who and all those things a lot of theater yeah I think I'm like finally in the space where I have time and the mental capacity to fight the new fight in the acting world.

So I'm just now transitioning over into that slot. What is the new fight then? The new fight will be being brown in the acting space. Because let's just be really honest here every tv show film that you see and it's the same in any part of asia they stereotype us they put us into whatever the stereotype is the typical indian family the typical asian family you know the types of roles that you're gonna get as an asian you know the types of roles that you're gonna get as an Asian you know the types of roles I'm gonna be the terrorist or the terrorist wife or I'm gonna be an immigrant

refugee moving somewhere or I'm gonna be working in a gas station or a corner shop or something yeah whereas like because I'm Southeast, I must be like submissive or like marry a white man or like come from a stupidly rich family or something as weird as that. So even like recently, I was watching a Netflix series about an Indian family

that moved to America and about how she's not allowed to do X, Y and Z because she's Indian and stuff like that. And I just felt like this is so stereotypical and that when you speak to people, Asia is just one big blur. You're either Indian or Filipino. Yeah. And like there's

no anywhere else in between. Yeah, or you're Chinese. Yeah, that's true. So I never really thought about that because I always see, I do see more in films, more Asian people, but I guess I never really thought much about the stereotype because you're so used to seeing it. It's a stereotype for men, but it's really bad for women. And it goes back to feminism and how white men have put, they've categorized white men. They're the ones that have done all of this imagery because they're the ones that colonized the entire world underneath white men is white women so they are in film the ingenues the beautiful innocent sexualized beings because women are sexualized in general and then every ethnicity after that is

sexualized in a negative sense and And they're all put into categories which white men have created. It's so bad that I feel like when I look at girls that look like me, like Priyanka Chopra, for example, she's an Indian actress. I've seen her play roles, but they always go back to her ethnicity like if she has a role where she is just a person that has emotions and life things that happen like any white person would be able to play as a role they always have to mention something about her being Indian but if you look at a white woman, for example, in film or TV, she has all these complexities and she plays all these different levels and all these life things, but they never mentioned that she's white. It's not a thing that they have to do. They have to do that for every other ethnicity. So do you think that's going to be one of your like biggest struggles when it comes to you

going more into the acting space? Absolutely. Absolutely. I had an agent tell me I need to change my name because it's too ethnic. And that I should be more like whitewashed. I know a lot of actresses have done that. So then they can look more white. Yeah, in a sense. So they so casting directors will be open to booking them more. And then also, I just think that there's just not enough of us. There's not enough women who are directing films. There's not enough women who are producers. There's not enough women who are writing.

There's not enough women in the backspace. Ethnic women. Women in general, but ethnic women particularly. And then there's not enough communities of Asian people making films that are outside of teaching about India or Pakistan. Yeah, because I guess like I've never, I've only watched a couple of films with Priyanka in and it'd be really interesting to know whether she's just like tired of having the Indian stereotype over her head and she just deals with it so she can keep her roles. Well, I think the one thing about her is, I think I'm not 100% sure on this, but she is very famous in India.

And her family own a production house over there. So I'm pretty sure that she is one of the producers on Quantico, which was her first major role in the US. It was her coming out role in the Western world. So I think she had a lot of say as how she looked and what she came across as in that show. But after that, she's played a lot of very like good roles but stereotypical to an extent yeah because I think the only role that really comes to my mind I've seen is when I think it was like that Baywatch film that she did with Zac Efron and like The Rock

where she was like the evil villain character and she was trying to ruin everyone else's like time because she wanted to take over the whole of whatever she was trying to ruin everyone else's like time because she wanted to take over the whole of whatever she was living in but it's weird because I like even though I know it exists I'm just so used to seeing it now that I don't even think about it or blink twice until like you've just mentioned it now yeah um but those are all imageries that as a child you see and you identify because think about Disney when we were growing up right yeah you looked for your Disney princess right the girl that you could identify as because growing up here in the UK there was nothing really in the media that we could identify as

once you found that identification you're watching that story of that Disney princess and that's being penetrated into your mind as to like how you're being seen in the world. Like Pocahontas, for example. Pocahontas, the real Pocahontas that actually exists, well, existed, she was never actually like that. She was taken from her tribe over to, I'm not sure, somewhere in a white facility, America or somewhere. And she then ended up having kids with a white man or whatever. And she really took away all of her Indian-ness. And in the story, they show her as this like damsel in distress that was not even

attracted to any of the men of her own ethnicity because they're weak and not the type of men that you would want to be with. She was so infatuated with a white man that these white men are on like this pedestal they came to the land to like come and save her from her brownness yeah it's weird when you say that because i always remember thinking that jasmine was like my princess because the way she looked and i always remember thinking oh so do i now have to grow up marry and like and jasmine was trapped inside of her house her in her country when actually she could have gone on to be the next ruler of that country but they didn't give her that it was the focus was on her falling in love with someone but she was trapped inside of her big mansion she was like 21 which is like apparently the norm.

Like people used to ask me that all the time when I was growing up. Oh, you're going to have to be married by the time you're 21. There's just so, I think there's just so many issues with being brown in general or being just a woman that's being a woman full stop. I guess like kind of going on from women in general, having their own struggles. You talked about how you are an ambassador or you work with an organization in the US

called Voices Beyond Assault. And you briefly off camera shared your little bit of your own experiences with domestic abuse. I'm really interested in hearing how your ambassadorship came about and your experiences with your relationships. The ambassadorship came about because of my friend Alex. He is friends with Brianna, who is the founder of Voices Beyond Assault. She has her own journey with sexual

assault, particularly. We got introduced and I had just got out of my second abusive relationship and I was already on my healing journey like I've had a lot of therapy for nearly like six or seven years now. We decided that like abuse is not just sexual assault. Yeah. And she was really focusing on that. And I schooled her on a lot of different things. And then we were like, you know what, we really should just add like a domestic violence section to it. Because a lot of women that were coming to the event she was putting on

were actually abused in lots of other ways other than sexual assault. So we just came together and made it a thing. And as far as the reason why I'm particularly interested in that or have a lot of strong feelings about that sort of thing is because when I was in college in the US, I was 21, I met my boyfriend over there at the time. And when we actually got into a relationship, he started to really change. He was very verbally abusive. He was very controlling,

but I didn't realize that he was doing it. I thought he was just kind of like angry and he would just snap sometimes. But a lot of the things he was saying and doing was to break down my person, my self-esteem. And then maybe like six months into the relationship, I was in the shower and I got out of the shower and I forgot to bring a towel in there. But the area where you could grab the towels was like right next to it. So I stepped out of the shower and I forgot to bring a towel in there. But the area where you could grab the towels was like right next to it. So I stepped out of the shower and I got a little bit of water on the floor. And he got infuriated with the fact that I had got water on the floor.

And he just grabbed me while I was naked and just threw me across the floor, onto the floor. And then picked me up, grabbed all of my stuff, and threw me out of his apartment, like, basically naked. And I was just, like, in shock. And I was like, I couldn't even believe, like, that that just happened. And then within the hour, he apologized. He was like, I was just mad, whatever. I got right into the cycle of that.

And then it quickly escalated from that to like pushing and shoving me to then strangling me a lot I had like a really bad injury on my neck where I had five slipped vertebrae in my neck and back my god and then eventually it got to a point where he was like physically punching me and dragging me by my hair and stalking me, showing up outside my house, controlling my entire life with like my choices of friends, family, like where I was going, threatening my immigration. There was a lot of reasons why it was hard to leave. Now, when I did eventually leave from there, the police didn't help me. This is a whole other story, but they didn't help help me and then I came back to the UK for a bit

and there must have been maybe like an eight month period between breaking up with him and coming here and my friends and family were just like you know just date again just move on like it would be good for you to do that

then I met a guy here in the UK and he was the complete opposite seemingly the complete opposite It would be good for you to do that. Then I met a guy here in the UK. And he was the complete opposite, seemingly the complete opposite. Very charming in the industry. Very, very nice. Everyone liked him. Very narcissistic. And... Hi, I'm Richard Karn.

And you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new pocket hose copperhead with pocket pivot is here, and it's a total game changer. Old-fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the copperhead's pocket pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust-proof anti-burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus, your super light and ultra-durable pocket hose Copperhead is backed with a 10-year warranty. What could be better than that?

I'll tell you what, an exciting exclusive offer just for you. For a limited time, you can get a free pocket pivot and their 10-pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text WATER 64,000. That's water to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Hose. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available at pockethose.com slash terms. He became very controlling, but in a different way. He would give me a lot of like silent treatment when he was mad

he would go silent because we were long distance as well that was really hard for me psychologically because I was already so broken down in lots of ways and he was very triggering and instead of knowing in my gut I knew but I didn't have the tools at the time

to be able to be like well no this is not right I'm setting a boundary here I didn't know how to do that. And then I came back to London and we were out and he kind of snapped at me because he had gone outside for hours and came back and I was like, where have you gone? It's like 3am. I'm so tired, which anybody would be. I wasn't wrong for doing that. He snapped and told me to go home by myself. So I said, okay, went to go get the bus home. I think that annoyed him. So he followed me

and in the bus, he ended up punching me in the face. And I managed to, people saw it. I managed to run out of the bus, got back to where we were staying. He comes into where we were both staying and starts like trying to beat me with his shoe he took his shoe off and starts hitting me with it I'm like this is crazy and because in my mind I'd gone through so much previously and I was very broken down but I hadn't lost the piece of myself that was like I will never go through this again. There is no way. And in all the ways that I wasn't helped in the States and looking back on all the things

that I didn't know what to do after leaving that situation, I straight away went to the police. I knew exactly how to deal with them and what to do. Got him arrested, got my restraining order and I was done. But it's like I did I have to go through nearly like five years of being abused to be able to be in a place where I was like well no you're not going to hit me and then get him arrested yeah it's weird because listening to you like

kind of talk about your story like now as I'm older I you can see the flags in the beginning but when you're younger you don't really know what love is or what it's meant to be yet like now I'm dating and I'm hearing that girls want a guy to be jealous or to get upset when they're talking to someone else because that's what they think is love and actually that's not um and that's like a massive red flag so I guess that's kind of like you know I'm assuming that's what you what you're now passionate about doing like trying to educate people on yeah and I think it really goes back to girls when you're younger learning how to love yourself first everything that's good for you first your body body image, all these things, they all go down to what

type of relationship you end up in. And also young boys, being able to learn how to communicate their emotions, being able to sift through them and understand them and process them. If they had more of that also, and loving themselves individually we would be in better spaces to be able to have better relationships with others and that's in every facet of life work relationships friendships because friendships are abusive also yeah and then intimate partner relationships I think it makes it harder in intimate partner relationships because you end up living together you're having sex with that person it's very much more intimate for a woman in every facet I think yeah definitely and I think um you know one of the things that when I when I think about a topic like this is that you

always hear that well why didn't you leave straight away or like you know you could have seen the signs and things like that but I guess it's really hard like what would you what advice would you kind of give to yourself if you were looking back at your younger version of yourself in that situation now and knowing what you know now well I wouldn't have I would definitely not have been hard on myself for the why didn't you leave yeah thanks I did get a lot of that looking back to myself oh sometimes I'm just like, I wish I'd just never, never gotten into the relationship in the first place.

And you always go and blame yourself. But that's also a trauma response. Yeah, of course. I don't feel that way now. But initially I was like, oh, why did I talk to him at the party or at the, wherever I met them? Like, why did I do that? That's my fault. But it's not

my fault. It's not my fault that I was abused. It's not my fault that they did, they chose to do those actions against me. I'm a good person. I didn't contribute to that abuse. So I think what I would say to myself is that you need to really work on yourself and love yourself before you decide to get into a relationship. As far as the choices that I made in the relationship, I did everything I could that was best for myself at the time in the survival space that I was in. Because fight or flight is completely different to how we're sitting here now and we're very logical and have understanding and very balanced fight or flight you just go with what you need to go with to survive yeah definitely and I think you know when you were talking about how

your first partner kind of broke down your self-esteem but one thing that people don't really talk about is that when you've been in some form of abusive relationship whether that's friendship or intimate partners is that because your self-esteem is broken down you've been in some form of abusive relationship, whether that's friendship or intimate partners, is that because your self-esteem is broken down, you end up in another cycle with another partner. And if you don't really know how to spot the signs or like love yourself or know what you can do, then it's just, it's continuous. And it gets to the point where, you know,

we end up hearing really bad stories from women. And I think that's really amazing what you are now doing. I guess like one thing as well, I'm really interested in knowing about is like how different it was to cope in the US versus in the UK. Well, not that I've heard great stories about the UK, but it was a much better experience here than it was over there. But I also had a lot more information and I knew how to deal with the police right away because of my bad experience. So over there in the States, initially when I did go to the police for the first time, this was right when he first had

strangled me. That was the first time I went to the police. And when I got there, my boob was hanging out. I had bruises down my neck. I was crying. And they made me stand. When you go into a police station and you make a report about you getting your car stolen or something, they made me stand up there and make the report. They didn't take me to another room or anything. And it was two guys. And they were just treating me like basically a piece of shit. And that didn't help because that's another form of abuse. And that makes me trust men even less because I already feel unsafe. And then the people who are supposed to make me feel safe aren't making me feel safe. So I didn't go through and finish the report because I just felt like they weren't going to help me. So then I just

went back to the situation because there was, I was stuck. There was nothing else I could do. There was a few other times that I did try to leave. And then I think it was maybe like the sixth or seventh time that I actually did finally leave the relationship. I went to the police station. I asked them how to file a restraining order. They were like, you just have to go to the courthouse, like figure it out. So there was no advocates, nothing. To get an advocate, you had to call this number and it wasn't guaranteed that you were going to be able to get one. So I didn't have any information on how to do that. I tried to then file another police report. They asked me what his ethnicity was. And because he was black and

Mexican, they said that basically, that's what you get. Along the lines of that. Wow. And after saying that it was, well, black, like African Americans have the highest percentage of abuse rates in America. That was the statistic that they gave me for me needing help. It's weird because I don't even know how true that is or if it's just. Well, it could be true because they do target African Americans more than any other race and arrest them for unnecessary things and kill them for unnecessary things they're like that's a whole other conversation so maybe that is the statistic but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't help me

yeah because of his race his abuse has nothing to do with his race yeah that's how to do like you know it doesn't matter if he was white but But if I was a white woman, if I experienced the world as a white woman, and I walked in there, they would have helped me because he was African American. Do you see how that like? Yeah, it's really weird. Like when you were saying to me that it was the for you reporting a domestic assault was the same way as reporting a car being stolen kind of blew my mind like in the UK I do work with a force in the British police and how I ask them about how they deal with domestics and sexual assaults and things you know you can request female officers you have to go to special rooms

there are ways that they deal with things to not re-traumatize victims they talk about their experiences but to actually show up to a police station covered in bruises, not dressed properly, and then be treated the same way as an actual criminal yourself. Yeah. It's horrifying. And I can't even begin to imagine

what that would have been like for you. It was horrible. I had to, it took every piece of me to get the strength to like get through the whole process. Because after that, I had to go to gather all my evidence myself this is going through like years of like photos text messages phone calls because he was currently stalking me at this time when I was getting the restraining order

he was waiting outside my house he was hundreds of emails phone phone calls, text messages. It was insane. I went to the courthouse to file the restraining order by myself. I figured it out. I didn't really know the word, the verbiage on the paper was kind of difficult, but I got it done. They gave me the temporary restraining order. So you get that and then you have to go to a court, a civil case to get the restraining order. So I go to the civil case to get the restraining order. And the judge made me feel like I was the one getting the restraining order against me. And she basically told me before she denied my restraining order, after giving her medical records, like pictures, literally, like I've had five slipped vertebrae in my neck and back from being strangled so many times. And you can't give me a restraining order.

It's really sad to hear as well that the judge was female and she couldn't sit there. Oh, they're the worst. Really? They're actually more judgmental, seemingly, in the States from what I've experienced. And she said to me you seem like a strong girl you'll get over it and then it's weird it's like when people say like why didn't you just leave and it's like well if the support system's not there for women to leave then how do you expect them to leave because abuse doesn't just come in physical forms as

you know you said he threatened you with your visa. And, you know, especially if your work is there and your whole life at the moment is in the US. Well, I have no family there. It's me by myself. He'd isolated me from a lot of my friends, even though at the time I'd started talking about it to them because I'd read in a book, the best thing for healing is to talk about it.

So that's when I started like voicing it and everyone was a bit, they didn't really know how to take it in because a lot of people didn't have a clue that this was, this had been going on under their nose. And then after that point, I think it's just kind of hard. I think you just, when you don't get the support from the police and then you don't know of any charities you can go to. Hi, I'm Richard Karn. And you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose.

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I wasn't living with him. Like, imagine if I was in those situations. Yeah, it makes it 10 times harder. When I was at the court filing my restraining order with no information, I had taken a leaflet from the police station with all of these different numbers and stuff on there. And I just had it in my bag. And a lady comes up, she was Latin. She was barely speaking English, but she was hysterically crying. And she had this two year old like running after her. And I she was obviously filing the same sort of thing as me. But she's got a kid involved. She had no idea. So I gave her the leaflet. I can't

speak Spanish, so I couldn't really help her because I could barely help myself. But it was all I had to give her and they had Spanish things on there. So she ended up calling because I could tell they had nowhere to go. They literally had a suitcase with them at the courthouse. Why are they not advocates there to help you? They work at the courthouse. They don't get it. There's just a lot of messed up things in the system there. It just seems like you need to be near dead before you get help. But then when I came here and I had one isolated incident, which in the grand scheme of the abuse I'd suffered in the States, that was nothing. It shouldn't have happened, but it was nothing in the whole thing

I go to the police station they took me to another room they made sure I was okay they were just so caring and considerate of me I didn't get an advocate right away I also didn't ask for one I was okay to like tell them what happened they arrested him within like within that same day so like I went there in the day. By the evening, he'd been arrested. They questioned him. They told me what was happening. They kept me updated.

The guy who was my police officer was emailing me and calling me even when I was back in LA. And then I came back for the court case. He made sure that my restraining order was already filed. And I had an advocate come with me to the court day. And my police officer showed up to the court day to make sure I was okay, outside of like, obviously his testimony.

That was a completely different experience than what I had over there, being an immigrant in another country. So is that what you, is that part of what you want Voices Beyond Assault to do for women in the US to kind of help them? So the long-term goal over there is, you know how Planned Parenthood is like everywhere?

Yeah. We want to have centers in the US that are for domestic violence and sexual assault, like one-stop shops where women can go or where they can go and they can get information about abuse and sexual assault. They can also get legal advice. They can also get access to shelters. So we wouldn't be a shelter in itself because I think that's with safety and different things. I don't think you can have the both in one. But access to shelters, also access to rehousing,

help getting a job, financial information, therapy for kids and for the victim. And then also we wanted to do maybe just like, you know, meditation classes, different things like healing classes and things that would help you get back on your feet. Whatever you would need to like set yourself up if you need to get your hair done or whatever it is, access to all those things. But to have them all over the states because every state is different. So it would be like how Planned Parenthood is. So that's the long-term goal for us with all of the things you've spoken about like during this episode do you feel like a massive sense of responsibility for to represent plus-size women to represent Pakistani women to represent survivors of domestic assault like I can imagine that's a lot for one person to bear. I've already been through a lot in my life.

And not very many women are able to stand up and fight for what they believe in. And they're not able to articulate it in the way that I have been able to and learn from it. And I think that with the platform I have and the opportunities that I have, it's my duty to do that. Like I can't, I can't just sit back and just allow this to happen to other women when I know that like they need help. So. I think it's really like, for me, it's really powerful to just sit here

and listen to your story, but also listen to like, I can tell how passionate you are about making something different for someone else so they don't have to like kind of experience the same thing that you've been through. And I guess one question I always like to ask people that have been sat in your chair is about, you know, what would you say? Well, actually, I think I'm going to ask you too.

I think what would you say to a woman in the US or the UK that is currently going through similar experiences to what you've had? Never forget who you are. Like, don't take away your power. You ultimately are the person who can get yourself out of this situation because you deserve better a thousand percent. And there is so much happiness and love and care outside of abuse. I wish someone had told me that because my life is so happy now. And that's because I walked away from bad times. So if you have any strength in you left, get up and walk out. I know it is hard, but at the end of it, you're going to

look back and you're going to go, wow, I can make my own decisions of what I want to eat, where I want to go, who I want to hang out with, what I want to wear, what I want to do with my life, because you're only put on this earth once and you have to go and grab every opportunity with both hands so go for it and and I guess the the final question is um what would you say to somebody who doubts you your current success and your future success based on not only the fact that you're a woman but also a woman of color try me boom it's short and sweet but yeah no that's I really appreciate it and I really appreciate how open and honest you've been and how vulnerable you've been and when we've had this conversation so I just want to say thank you again for being an amazing

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And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13. Just go to indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13 right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Hi, I'm Richard Karn, and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose.

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with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text WATER to 64000. That's WATER to 64000 for your two free gifts with purchase. W-A-T-E-R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Host. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply.

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jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Don't wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13. Just go to indeed.com slash P-O-D-K-A-T-Z 13 right now. And support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring? Indeed is all you need.