God Awful Movies - 1: GAM001 Miracle Man

Episode Date: August 25, 2015

If you'd like to watch Miracle Man for free (not recommended), you can find it here.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfQDU3Lphrs If you'd like to hear more of Ryan Slotnick (recommended), you can find him here.Evil Giraffes on Mars

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parque sur. The main character of this movie looks like the guy your mom fucks right after the divorce. Right, yeah. Okay, this is Steven. Alright, and he's gonna be seeing an awful lot of him.

So tell your father if you see him that I am dating and I am fantastic. I am down three and a half pounds. Almost four. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. MOBI MOBI MOBI MOBI Welcome to episode one of the Gamcast where each week we suffer through another excruciating example of Christian cinema In an effort to prove that if God existed his PR couldn't possibly suck this bad

I'm your host no illusions sitting to my left is none other than Heath and right, Heath, welcome to the show. Thank you, thank you glad to be here. And sitting 988 miles to my right is Eli Bosnick Eli. Welcome to the exciting jet setting lifestyle of a podcaster sir. I can see you out my window. Well done, palen. Now I know it's bad for him to do this at the start of the of the show and in future episodes We're gonna save it for the close but before we even get started I wanted to thank all the people who made this show possible I don't think any of us expected such a quick response when we announced this podcast

And I think I speak for everybody involved when I say that I am truly humbled by the show of support Yeah, it was it was terrifyingly quick because it was sort of it was it I don't even ever been on a date with someone and you like go and you're like, hey, I'm really glad you decided to do this and they're like, oh, I'm gonna suck your dick and you're like, oh I mean, I'm so happy So I was gonna go to a movie, but we don't have to do that Dumb I hear Tom Cruise goes rogue, but who cares? Am I right? Am I right? Goes protocol. And, you know, I want to commit that we are all going to be working tirelessly to make

the investment worth your while, and the way we're going to do that, of course, it's not by slapping over our admittedly, slabberworthy Patreon supporters. It's going to be by reviewing the horrible piece of shit that Eli dug up for us this week. So, first of all, before we even talk about this movie, I have to know Eli Where the fuck did you even find this dude also? This comes from the crack list which I forget which you listen or sent this to us You know months and months ago, but he came from the crack list and I watched the clip at the time That's on the cracked, you know terrible Christian movies movies you won't believe existed. Oh, right.

Article. And I watched the clip and I was like, oh, we got to save this. We got to save this for something special. This is Daddy's birthday present to Daddy. And indeed it was worse than anything I possibly could have imagined. I have, here's, at the very top of my notes on every page i have written don't watch this movie don't think about this movie don't say the name of this movie into a mirror at midnight last year behind you and you have

to watch it that's how fucking terrifying this movie is oh my god okay so the name of the film is miracle man it's a direct to youtube release and it's only a movie in the sense that the picture is moved Now he's like if you had to give the listeners an idea how bad this movie is in one sentence. What would it be? all right, so You know how you're supposed to feel bad about being mean to mentally disabled people. Well this movie this movie is the exception to that rule. This movie is like, it's like, it's like a gang of bullies at a school for kids with

Down syndrome. And those bullies are making fun of the kid that also has like severe autism too, in addition to the Down syndrome. So, you know, you saw a little bit of sympathy, but way less than you normally would have. Well said. This, this movie is like a moron from the second grade gave a book report on the Bible, but he had actually watched an episode of Walker Texas Ranger. There was a lot of Walker Texas Ranger influence in this movie. That was definitely one of the main contributing factors in the directors might. Okay, so I'm rather than going analogy, I'm going to go with a technical fact about this movie.

Okay, this movie is so low budget that when there's a conversation scene and we cut from one character to another, the amount of ambient hiss in the background changes. This movie is literally less, has a lower budget than this podcast. Oh, by far, we did a sound check. If anyone did a sound check, if anyone did a sound check throughout the entire process of this movie, I will cut off and eat my own dick. Right to this guy, right, the movie still makes movies, he's got a website and everything. He did a single sound check. I will on YouTube for our Patreon visitors first and then everyone

also get the short edited version, cut off and then devour my own penis. Because it didn't fucking happen. It's no possible way. It took quite a lot of time. No lighting checks, no sound checks. And before we get into the movie itself Can we talk a little bit about the dude that played? Jesus or JC cuz I got because I can't tell if he was hot occasionally I thought I thought he was hot and then occasionally his eyes were open So why do you thought somebody just left him on the clockwork orange machine for too long? Yes, he looked like Bill Hader during an orgasm

for too long. He looked like Bill Hader during an orgasm. He reacts to this movie, the exact same way that I reacted this movie, which is with boredom and discomfort. But he's on camera. If you told me that he was at gunpoint throughout the entire filming of this movie, I'd be like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah, I get it. He looks like someone who has a gun pointed at him or a loved one the entire time of this film. And he's that weird. He's not necessarily unattractive. He's sort of, I forget what I wrote down here. I had a note about what he looks like. It looked like the skinny guy from ice hockey on original Nintendo. Oh, yeah. He looks and talks like a surf coach. Like, like your first day of surf coaches like hey guys my name's chat

I know chat wrong and we're all gonna have a really good time this summer guys now three rules of safety You got to remember I'm Christ our Lord. I can power up like Goku command my hands you back to life We're all gonna have a really great time. Oh my God. Just always wet like he jogged there. He jogged his set every morning. Well said, all right. So we're going to take a quick break and a deep breath because when we come back,

we're going to be going elbow deep into this pilot dinosaur shit and we're not stop until we reach the bottom. Hi, I'm Brick Brazen. Acting coach to stars such as Kirk Cameron, Daniel Klackman, and Michelle Phanna-Slackertick. If you're acting in Christian cinema, the demands made on you will be far above anything made on any other actor. Using my patented 21 drive yourself crazy with bat shit beliefs technique you'll be able to turn your performances from this. Hi my name's Anna. To this. Hi my name is Anna. Fantastic. For just six easy payments of $99.99 you can star in the next Christian blockbuster like Fireproof, left behind, international guerrilla jay or just a crazy movie

you made on your iPhone. And we can take your performances from this. Would you like fries with that? To this. Would you like fries with that? So I was trying to come up with like an inaugural episode worthy opening for this review and this is what I have. You guys tell me what you think. In the beginning the movie was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the embedded YouTube player and then God said let there be lens flare and there was lens flare and God saw the lens flare and he said fuck am I gonna need a lot of etc. And to make it through this goddamn movie. Yeah, now that is that is perfect. That is the perfect way to just the first two seconds again

You don't have to watch this movie. It's free on YouTube, and you should watch it because why should I suffer alone? But if you do watch this movie in the first second and a half of this movie, you go, oh fuck this movie Right fuck this move You don't need anything this movie could have caught the second second and then been the godfather to and I would have been like no man Remember that beginning second and a half not worth it. No, Rubael Robert didn't know I don't care. I don't fucking care. It's not worth Now this is okay. This is literally true. I went back I counted it I timed it by the 11 second mark in this movie they have used six different effects Six different effects in 11 seconds.

Not artistically like you're picturing it either. And not in a good way. No, no, I don't know that there's a good way that you can do this, but this is definitely if there's a spectrum of good to bad ways that you can use six effects in 11 seconds, this is on the bad end of the spectrum. Yeah, this is like someone on meth

watched the opening credits to justify it and they were like, I've got it! Let's make a movie about Jesus! Ah! That's watch the opening credits to justify it and they were like, I've got it! Let's make a movie about Jesus! That's what the opening, um, Jesse Crawford, and I've gone into the desert to get away from it all. And then he wanders around the desert and then we immediately cut to the first green screen. Now, it's important to mention that 90% of this fucking movie is shot on green screen.

Yeah. Seans that you couldn't imagine being shot on a green screen are shot on a green screen. A bar, a church, they didn't have a church. No. Christian movie. Needed to green screen a church, a living room, a house, and alley. They had access to no buildings if this if this movie was shot in the vacuum of space They would have had more fucking sets than they shot on in this movie and not good green screen again

That's why no everything was like four feet in front of the green screen It's like they like they stole someone's green screen like there was one leaning against the back of a truck And they were like great. Let's use it. Let's use it. We're gonna wake up. That's the kind of green screen like there was one leaning against the back of a truck and they were like great great the Jews and the Jews and worry wakes up That's the kind of green screen No, I mean like the green screen is literally like the lighting is in front of the actors for the green screen so you can see their shadows And their outlines like someone's doing a terrifying also everyone kind of looks like a flesh puppet Like if someone's face half fell away and there was a robot underneath, I'd be like, oh yeah, I get it, that makes sense.

So everyone looks like they're just a horrible dead body puppet show due to the screen and the fact that you can see their outlines cut into the vacuum of space, it's fucking horrible. Oh my God. Okay, so now I should give you at least a sum bearing on this movie. Basically what we've, what're doing it in a sense

is re-telling the jesus story in the modern day or at least that's the inspiration that led to that and that's not necessarily a terrible idea but in the hands of everyone involved in this movie it certainly was yet i mean they could not have got lives and i don't put i don't know much about the good parts of the jesus story the whole human sacrifice the in the end puts a damper on it for me. But I guarantee you the big parts of Jesus's journey were not competition for his carpentry business and that you should drink plenty of water because if this movie has two

messages, it's not to drink your calories. Hydrate. And that Jesus had a terrible time in the business world with his bills. His bills and the recession get far more mention in this movie than God. Yeah, right. Now the recession probably comes up, I think, something like 48 times. Yeah, exactly. So we open up after his desert walking scene at a bar and just to give you an example, the movie gives you a strong lead in for how terrible it's going to be. There's a girl on green screen who comes over and he's at a barbecue restaurant and she

talks again, everyone in this movie, like many Christian movies, talks as though they're doing an al-Qaeda video that's being sent out, like if someone came in and saw their heads off halfway through, I'd be like, oh, I get it. It's by the same guys. Akbar Shalar did this one. I know what those were. This is good.

I get it. Everyone talks like, so she's like, Jesse, I can't believe you are in the desert when you're ready for a home-cooked meal. Let me know, because I'm a waitress. And he's like, and again, he never responds. Let me know because I'm a waitress. And he's like, and again, he never responds. He responds to, I would say, one hundredth of the things that people say to him in this

movie. He just stares into open space and she's like, okay, exit, right. Oh no, no. Right. And the man next to him goes, you've been acting squirrely since you got back from the desert. Did you get bit by a squirrel? And at this point I wrote in my notes, oh sweet Jesus kill me.

Because that's what this movie has in children. Actual line. Kind of dialogue. The actual line, you've been acting kind of squirrely. Did you get bit by a squirrel? And as though that's not bad enough, they have to shit on that line by having Jesus go, no, no, I didn't

And guys like I was just a joke, I said but I didn't get bit by a squirrel. No, I know I just I didn't So then he's staring there into space and then all of a sudden we hear screaming outside However this movie is shot so out of sequence that it's obviously a mugger scene This is where the muggers who look the least like muggers in the universe. I wrote down she's being attacked by Bugs Bunny villains. Right exactly. Bugs Bunny, gay Bugs Bunny video villains. Yeah. I could pal a group with them. Here's their check. Yeah. Exactly. One of one of the great advantages to Christian cinema is because so much of the community is homophobic they don't know how gay certain things look so whenever they come up with tough

characters they put them in asless chaps and leather jackets and they're like oh look at this guy he doesn't even cover his butt when he rides on his motorcycle this must be for really tough ones so they're all they're both dressed like British chapies from like a fucking 1970s roller rink And the and the interaction goes like this her line is first where she goes And then he goes hey lady She turned around and was just like lady she turned around and was just like just immediately assumed she was I mean it's lucky that they were

muggers if they had been like hey is this the barbecue place and she's just like no leave me alone oh god I'm just standing here one you know that's the gas station or if that's the okay I'm gonna go so Jesus comes around the back and they're like, what's this? Do girlfriend and we're like all right Jesus is gonna fucking kick people in the face like Walker, Texas Ranger

Yeah, sure as you do, but instead he tells them to talk to the hand Yes, and they freeze like a time stop Japanese porno So just keep in mind this movie opens. The first demonstration of Jesus's powers is stopping time, freezing people. And that's how, that's how biblically aware this movie is, what they were like. Well, what's the first thing we should demonstrate? Well, do you remember when Jesus fought those muggers and he froze times, he pulled their pants down around their ankles and when they woke up they were like whoa we should probably show that you should show that people like that part yeah and for it we didn't

know it at the time but that was really the movie peaked right there yeah it was all down hill and then we cut to Satan now Satan is by far my favorite character in this movie. Oh, yes. Satan is like a middle management. He is definitely not the boss of anything. He's definitely like an angry middle manager who looks like Zordon from the Power Rangers. If the Power Rangers jumped in and were like, hey, there's a giant mind. I'm like, guys, I don't have time right now. I'm dealing with something else.

Tommy just, you know, form a giant robot, you know, the usual plan. Just form a giant robot to kill them. I'm doing, I've got other work. I want to, I want to make a generational translation, by the way, for people who don't know who is ordered on is, for people my age and above, it looked like the main bad guy from Tron superimposed in a clutch cargo cartoon fashion. And if you get that, if you get that reference, by the way, congratulations on the discounted Denny's. It's nice.

And Zornon, or Satan, is talking to his minions. And the first thing that Satan says to his minion is, what do you think we should do? So basically, Satan's using 10-minute manager techniques. All right, come on. I want this to be a constructive environment. That's all, that's all just jumping here. No wrong ideas. If you shoot an idea down, you put a dollar in the idea jar. I want everyone to be uncomfortable in this workplace. How do we bring down Jesus? And the first, and the first recommendation is we have to attack his manhood and I wanted so badly that there

Just be a flash cut to a demon running up and kicking Jesse Crawford in the nuts Gotcha good luck walking with that one because it would be More vicious than anything they do to him in this fucking movie so Then we get to Jesus in his home office in one of the only real scenes we had in the entire movie. So these people did have access to a home office. I guarantee it's the office of wherever this movie was shot. Right. But not an alley just to give you a context. They could not find a place where two buildings meet in the dark, but they did have an office with a facsimist. And it was obviously not big enough for the camera because the scene is so

goddamn cramped and tight and everything. Oh yeah, no apps. Everyone had to like, okay, here you get out of here and I'll go over and no, okay, don't bump into Larry. Oh, the boom. So he's sitting there and he we have a monologue where he's like, Bill's, Bill's, Bill's. Again, this movie talks about Jesus' financial situation far more than it talks about anything else. For Christ to is constantly talking in this movie about not caring about money, he constantly talks about money.

He's always like, you must know that our mission is, here is not to build houses, is not to make money to do something larger. But fuck, really, $25 a month for Khan Ed. This is garbage. What is this? Guys, we gotta stop leaving the lights on. When you leave a room, you gotta turn it off. I'm the lower than savior. I'm the son of God. I'm not made at a money. So then we cut to the dinner date. Now this this comes up a lot. I'm going to get to this in a second, but the temptations of Satan in this movie are so fucking lame that they can only have been created by Christians because they so basically they're at this

dinner date and she turns to him as you do during casual You know during casual dinner conversation and says so are you a profit? And let me tell you I've tried that as a conversation started on dates and a pretty regular basis and it does not go over well And then so he leaves from their dinner date and again They're just sitting having dinner and Satan or a demon, I don't know, he looks like Chevy Chase. I'm gonna call him Chevy Chase. Okay. Chevy Chase demon appears behind him and he goes,

I know you enjoyed the evening and wanna see her again. So Satan's temptation in this movie is a second dinner date. Right. The temptation he has for Christ is the chance to have conversation over mediocre pasta again. I tell you, I would be so much of a better Satan minion than any of these, I'd be like, this is a picture of Tory Black. I'm gonna give her seven vaginas and tentacles that make you orgasm.

But Satan's instead like, how would you like some more garlic? Right, right? Like I seriously expected it some point from to break out and offer like 15% off of his car insurance or to get him on the first page of Google or something. Right, exactly. I noticed that your business is online. Would you like a landing page which will then direct to your business? You're guaranteed on the first page of Google SEO. Join me. I have a group on for Denny. Take my hand. And to further prove how fucking crazy this is, he goes, I want to show you something to which he shows him the world's most boring business meeting. Okay, I actually want to, because you cannot possibly understand how bad this is without

hearing it. So I want to play you, and I promise it'll be brief, a clip from this scene to set it up. This is how boring the conversation and how poorly delivered the conversation in this movie is. And notice by the way, the change in hiss, that's when we cut from one person to another. There's a rather small but solid company in Mesa that I think we should consider. And who may they be? J.C. Construction. They've been around for a while and have a good track record. I

Suggest dropping a whole T. Now and bringing them on. We do have a policy of only doing business with those companies in good standing with the better business Bureau and that have an established good reputation in our community or nash. Yes, that is that what you just heard is the highest level of acting you can expect from this fucking movie. Again, I don't if you gave this if you woke someone up in the middle of the night you were like hey hey you read these fucking lines read these fucking lines. I've never read English before they would have done a better job than this woman Just like we only have a that was asleep. We're good

Reputation people better business bureau. What where am I? Why am I dressed like a business woman? Fucking crazy at which point he goes well There is one guy whose name is Jesse Crawford and then his head appears in the clouds behind them. And I wanted so badly for them to just be like, he's the one in the clouds behind you. See his name's Jesse Custer. We think he's hot, but we're not sure. Right, exactly. He's like a strong seven.

Like you do it if you had a really good crossfit class and you're feeling all psyched up in the night. You just want something to go in there. He's like a, he's like a, a really nice yoga instructor that you throw a bone to right. He looks like this is what he looks like. The, the main character of this movie looks like the guy your mom fucks right after the divorce.

Right. Yeah. Hey, this is Steven. All right. And he's going to be seeing an awful lot of him. Tell your father If you see him that I am dating and I am fantastic I am down three and a half pounds almost four

Because I'm doing the paleo diet and this is my boyfriend Steven. Hey, can I call you son? No, you can't you are younger than me you son no you can't you are younger than me so the point of this insane stupid fucking scene is that the devil's temptation is to get him a really good contract for his construction company to help him out with the bills during the recession right and when Jason and when uh... no and when Satan is trying to is trying to attempt him at the ending of that before he he disappears, he goes, you know you need the work, especially in this recession. Yes.

So that's the level your target is where Satan's like, come on. Housing is down 4.6%. The bubble has popped and predatory loans are a huge problem for everyone in every industry. What are you going to do? Use TurboTax? TurboTax. Like the guy for the question marks, he teaches you how to get money from the government's gonna pop up on you. I'm here too.

I'll show you how to get money back. Hahaha. And then that's faulted up, but by one of the most bizarre scenes in the whole thing, I don't even want to call in a movie. Basically, he just gets a phone call from his brother and his brother asks if he can meet him in the next scene. Right, meet him at the airport. He has a layover in the next scene. Yeah, four is a layover layover. Why don't you come meet me in the airport? Again, all of the scenes in this movie are so fucking crazy Like why not just be like hey, let's meet for lunch. He's like I have a two-over layover You must meet me at the airport at that airport. There will be a lounge in that lounge

There's a stuffed teddy bear the stuffed teddy bear has a single eye that eye sees the future And none of it ever comes back. None of it. That brother never comes back. The conversation never comes back. The one chick from the beginning never comes back. Waitress gone. Yeah. He sat in offers a second dinner date and he's like, no, I don't want it.

And she fucking poops away. That plotline is over. I assume that woman saw the dailies of this movie and her face melted like she opened the arc of the cover And then I fucking terrible wasn't they were like oh man another actress died guys She's watched it and she shot herself in the mouth with a t-shirt gun. She was like well no We'll have to replace her with somebody who's all eyelash right exactly or someone who doesn't speak any fucking English right Both are Both.

Let's do right. Exactly. We're in that head of ourselves. Now we're at the airport with JC's brother. Right. Who we never see again, and then and his brother just again for the insane moments that never matter or take or have any significance. He goes, Hey bro, I got you your favorite four and one at which Jesus is suspicious like

it's Game of Thrones and he might be poisoned. It's, Jesus rejects four mixed sodas in a cup. And he's like, come on man, it's just iced tea. And he's sit, again, he sips it again, like the next moment should be him being like, ah, I got you, I came in it. I came in, I just got me, it's out of, that's the level.

If the moment after was, I spat in that, he'd be like, oh, I get it, I don't see how characters are having in it. I came in it. I just thought of me. It's out of that flip level. If the moment after was, I spat in that, you'd be like, oh, I get it. I understand our characters are having with it. But it wasn't. It's fucking insane. And it never, it never gets mentioned again. I don't know why it got written in the script. I don't know if it's supposed to be humorous. None of the characters react like it's humorous.

No. They are totally stonthase. He's like, I made you force so does Mixed in a Cup. He's like, I don't want it. You drink it. You drink it. Again, one of the major things of this movie is don't drink soda. Right, right.

I reject this movie's major message more than Christ, more than salvation, is don't drink soda. Don't say hi to him. Don't say hi to him. It's all you need is water. So this movie does have to be fair this movie has a message. I agree with I don't let me have some soda so then again

So his brother is talking about in the most vague terms possible about his promotion He's like gap row huge promotion or really what kind of promotion? Promotion I have was that one job? And now it's, Hi. Different one. Different job then before.

Come on, man, just read a script. Don't ask questions. It's a different one. It says here that you're supposed to stare at me as though your eyes have been like, I have a silver tincture in them or something. Yeah, exactly. Continue to stare at me as though the camera about to pull down and you were jerking off under the table. Oh, you got a promotion. Did you?

And again, they mentioned the recession because while we haven't talked about God yet, we have mentioned the recession twice. So now we go to second scene with Satan and I just went out that in this movie this movie so fucking crazy hell never looks the same twice no sometimes it looks like out of space sometimes it opens with Satan going, talk to me. So Satan turns into fucking Ari from Antaraj. I'm like, talk to him, tell me the news. Hit me with it. It's like the fucking kids stays in the picture with me starring Satan. And to which he responds, for some some reason the great temptation of a second dinner date didn't work,

but now I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. So it's a Godfather reference which is fucking insane. And then Satan threatens him and this is a system that I'm really interested in. I wish the movie had explored more. He says, this better work or you're going back thousands of years in promotion, which means that hell somehow has a time-based seniority system. So like rapist cavemen are the highest levels. And they're in the middle. They're union now, they're making 20 bucks an hour. Right. Exactly. I'm a 15 year man, right? Right over there. He raped someone, right? He was one of the first guys to murder.

Literally one of the first guys to murder, all right? So he gets a 25 minute lunch break and a 30 minute coffee break. That's very important. Satan's just like, all right, I'm trying to be more open in meetings, right? All right, like, who moved, did everyone read, who moved my cheese?

Who moved that? I think that's really important, because what I'm hearing a lot when we're talking about how to distract Jesus is a lot of people talk complaining about the cheese, but not about where they're gonna make it go. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

All right, fantastic, great. Who has a compliment sandwich for our person today? So then the demon guy comes back and he looks exactly like Chevy Chase to the extent that I was like, is that Chevy? He looks pretty far. Picture perfect like Chevy Chase and his second, his second temptation of Jesus is your brother sure is doing well for himself. That was the big promotion thing. says, your brother sure is doing well for himself. Right. Exactly. Big promotion. I remember you and him used to compete. I mean, sure, you're the son of God, but you're not, you don't have a six figure income, which of course, doesn't work. So then he transports them

to Las Vegas. To the roof where they take the roofies and hangover. Right, exactly. And he's dressed like Mr. Peanut. He goes, and again, to just show you how little people know about the real world who made this movie, he goes, Las Vegas, the epitome of fame and fortune. We're just kind of like saying, here we are, we are i hop the epitome of cuisine if you want to tempt someone maybe maybe you don't take them to a city where old ladies die at the nickel sloth machine here we are the king of glamour you see that 25 year old throwing up

it's his birthday you see this was a mistake a mistake. This was a mistake. He's there till he dies. Right, exactly. Now, I do want to say though, the old guy, Chevy Chase here, in this scene, he absolutely goes for it. Oh, yeah. This was, it was so much fun watching this guy like, like, like, throw down his temptation. Which by the way, one of the, one of the moments within his temptation, temptation he actually says I had to rewind this and make sure this was correct he actually says I'll get you on the cover of every nature magazine in the

world yeah every I think he said major but he did say nature I'll get you on the cover every might that that was actually part of his temptation right I'll get you on the cover magazine and then he calls him buster he's like hey you don't know what i'm talking about buster so then they have an energy ball fight which is so fucking crazy he shoots it jesus shoots an energy ball at him come back to the man yeah exactly he shoots a kamehameh atom so then he vanishes and turns into a wolf. And he's like, what are you thinking about me now? At which point, a helicopter, the world's

worst CGI helicopter flies over the building. And the demon who has turned himself into a wolf, jumps out of that helicopter, which explodes onto Jesus and tries to strangle him. While he's strangling him, someone, not Jesus, says, get behind me Satan and he vanishes. That is the fight scene of this movie and if you can look, if you watch anything from this movie, watch that 10-second clip because it is so bonkers, bananas fucking crazy.

I had no idea Jesus had hudukins. Yeah, exactly. It's fucking crazy. So yeah, so Satan kills Krillin on a rooftop and then they they throw light balls back and forth. So then they go to the wedding. But no, okay, can we talk about because we haven't really talked about the establishing shots in this movie yet? Yeah. Many of the establishing shots are still photographs of somewhat related things. This one was a still photograph where they had CGI very poorly in some little birds flying by, so it didn't look like a still photograph. And then you cut to the inside and you've got the bride and groom getting married.

And the groom looks like a 16 year old kid that had to wear a tuxedo and be in this movie because you broke somebody's fucking window. Right. Yeah, exactly. If there was just be roll of him being like, this is fucking stupid. A little breadbikes and shit like whatever. Brad, just be cool. They said if we're in the movie, we can have some of the communion mind after where it's like, whatever. It's fucking dumb. So they're standing there and everything looks like a fucking nightmare. Again again everything in this movie just looks like if at any moment all of the things like came out of my TV and we're like oh I feel like oh I get it

it makes way more sense now exactly shouldn't have taken that Molly never buy Molly from a stranger and the guy comes up and he's like, hey man All the wine got locked in the closet. What are we gonna do? Yes, and the mom looks at him like But he doesn't get it Take a look at those water jugs over there and again the water jugs are just still photographs that have been like

They're basically they if they had a PA just holding up a poster of water jugs in front of a wall, they're like, Dave, we can see you're on, fuck you, all right, great. You see those water jugs over there, Dave, your arm is right in the shot, fuck you, all right. Do you see them? No.

No. So then he goes over and we have this horrible CGI water getting poured into a glass and then turning red, which is a magician I found very insulting. Right, they couldn't even buy the bucket. You couldn't do the version where you pour water in and there's there's fucking food coloring at the bottom guys. Come on. First draft, food coloring at the bottom. That's how it's done. It's fun.

They did it at my fucking preschool when I was four years old. They figured it out and ping him to New York. You could have put the work in. But everyone reacts like their assholes get blown out of the back of their neck. So much of this movie is reaction shots because they can't shoot the miracles. So lots of this movie is just reaction shots

of you being like, oh, that that's so amazing and looks really good and is not terribly shot at which point one of the waitresses I assume one of the waitresses goes it's a miracle you get it a miracle so then we go back to hell now this is my favorite hell because there is very clearly a kangaroo in this version of hell. There it is. You can watch it again. He wanders over. They're like fiery rocks, but there's very clearly

a kangaroo there. Why is there a kangaroo in hell? Who knows? What did that kangaroo do to go to hell? What are the implications of having a kangaroo in hell staggering? There are staggering implications between a damn kangaroo yeah right exactly kangaroo I that's the movie I want to see kangaroo rapist

kangaroo murderer the preaches the dexter of kangaroos the kangaroos voiceover comes in I'm a crew monster I kill the killer kangaroos voiceover comes in. I'm a crew monster. I kill the killer kangaroos. I'm like, oh, what I would give for a backstory on the Hellbound kangaro. At which point, Satan asked, this is three months later, more than three months later, Satan goes, what happened in Vegas? Yeah, one of them so badly to say stares and things like that. At which point we cut to Jesus eats Mexican food, so they just small talk for 20 minutes. And then that what you were talking about earlier about the Christian movies inability to know the difference between what's tough and what's gay. The Monarchs like a bad guy. That cheech-chong bikers. Yeah, that cheech-chong. And one of whom is dressed exactly like the biker

from the village people. Even down to like, he's got the funny mustache and it's got the head. He's got the head. He's got the head. He's got the head. He's got the head. Something that he's just, it wasn't even like a fake mustache.

He just like cuts some shit out of an old t-shirt and kind of shaped it like a mustache. So he'd have the big droopy mustache. Yes. Right, exactly. And they didn't have him talk. Because I'm sure that guy, if they had, they'd been like, what do you think cruncher?

He would have been like oh, I don't know All these big sweaty man everywhere and Rockos Nacis feeling all better and y'all are having Mexican food. Oh, I wish I could I wish I could I'm trying to do atkins again. I just feel fat, you know, I know I'm not do atkins again I just feel fat you know I know I'm not I know I'm not not for just a compliment I just feel fat I'm wearing sunglasses in doors and I feel like they make me look silly tell me I don't look silly I sure that the dude he looked like the kind of guy who would just tell you is safe word when you met him right exactly there was a for its chainsaw all right let's get this shit started not the library don't matter to me

Will you choose to look like this on purpose? This is the lifestyle you lead What do you think I am a librarian come on? So make this shit happen. So then we cut to Jesus Jammin out to some tunes and his Honda Accord. Yeah, you know Jesus drive Right son of God driving around in a Honda, and he has a fucking flash over super sense moment to save a child. He's like, he sees a child getting hit by a car.

And I just want to point out that in the time it takes Jesus to drive over and save this little white girl that's about to get killed on her bike, like 90 African children starved to death. Right, exactly. But you know, his super sense doesn't go off for any non white people, which by the way, if you were hoping to see some non white people in this movie, oh, don't worry, there is one. One just one. And he is celebrating sports. But we'll get to him. Yeah. By the way, when when he has the premonition that a little girl is

about to get hit while she's riding a bike, his response is to speed around a residential neighborhood like he's in the house an hour in his car, and then fly out in front of a guy in an SUV. That was like the best way you could think of to fix this. That's the way God wants things to be fixed. I wanted so badly for the shot to pan out, and there's just like a dog and a little boy attached to the least crunched into one of his wheels. Yeah, super senses didn't tell me about him.

He's a Jew. Butterfly effect. Sorry. So then the old guy is a Muslim kid still stuck in my back great for last week. When a Christian little boy was gonna sneeze and no one was gonna say bless you. Okay and then we get to what I thought was the opening of the porno that snuck its way into the middle of this. Oh yeah I started jerking off everything. Yes exactly. Oh he's here with the wrench to fix the faucet. This is perfect. And there's two chicks. women that he has that we haven't been

introduced to the I last girl when when she was kidnapped by by the Undertaker and shit but she hasn't been a character up to this point and now all of a sudden there's a Slovakian chick in here too right a Slovakian chick who speaks who will be the main character at the end of this movie for whatever the fucking reason. So then he crawls under the sink and two seconds later it's fixed. It's not a cutaway because they're all talking while it's happening. He just crawls under the sink. I assume removes the demon from it. Like with a hudukin. Right. Switches the switch from broken to not broken.

switches the switches the switch from broken to not broken. It gets out and then we cut to Jesus meeting number two where we check in with Rocco the bikers niece and she says she says one of my favorite lines in the movie and you got to hear the delivery of this because she says it like she's bragging. No more headaches. No, it's wonderful. I can sleep at night now. I'm not a fucker. Right, like she's bragging. Like she's bragging.

She's like, oh, look at me. I can sleep at night whenever I want to. Every time I lie down at night, my eyes close and I just black out. Like a light I can do it on tray. And everyone's like, oh fuck, she can sleep at night. I can only sleep when the clock chimes free. Oh, and by the way, again, Rocco is a Hispanic dude that weighs 400 pounds.

His niece or daughter or sister or whoever is a little skinny white girl. No attempt to explain this. Right. So then Rocco comes in and he's like, hey, we're here to pick up. Everyone looks like, oh, these are two gnarly bikers and his gay friends like unparked outside. So we've just really got to go. We have brunch with friends. So Rocco quickly, quickly Rocco. I'm really happy to meet your friends, but not right now. So then Rocco's like, hey, and he's like, Rocco, come here. You've never really been loved. You've tried to fill that hole with women and drugs. And even today, that

hole's not filled. It's not your fault, Rocco. But I have a gift for you. prostate cancer. That is the line. I have a gift for you. prostate cancer. Now he then says prostate cancer. go like it's a fucking Pokemon the world's most well I wish I had known about my dad used the rapid arc laser treatment and I get to spell would have been a lot easier now right my question on this is does he have to yell the name of every affliction before he heals it because that could be embarrassing right I mean like it'll work go

cipheries and her health or scratches go It'll watch go Herpes herpes go herpes go wow. I'm carrying a lot of herpes tonight. Come on people Herpes go herpes go all right. You know if there's herpes in the room just all the herpes Jesus, but yeah, he's basically commands that he's like go go prostate cancer use metastasize prostate cancer Pro State Cancer, use metastasize. Pro State Cancer. I just, in my head, I had a vision of Pro State Cancer against Pikachu. Pucka. Pucka.

Pucka. You're Pro State Cancer, just being in a doctor's office, and we have some bad news. You're, you're Pro State Cancer is evolving. It's now Pro State Cancer, Mon. Pucka. And it can use tackle as well as sand throw. It's now alsorate cancer mons and it can use tackle and send throw

and also a lightning type of pokemon like so we're far from the sparkly fly out of your ass and we wind up back in hell and satan has himself a new demon has a new demon who is equally gay again i would not be surprised if they went to like a a formally gay christ Christian ministry because everyone in this movie is like a gay bear and the gay bear is like, her Satan knows it's going to be me. And Satan seems a little freaked out and put off by him. He's like, oh, what

happened to the other guy? And he's like, oh no, I got this Satan. I'm going to fuck him up. And he's like, oh, all right. Um, hey, little different. This version of Hell, by the way, in case you're wondering, is a giant dark-stoned room with black guys just standing around with their arm crossed? It's a black Panther meeting in a gymnasium, apparently, is this version of Hell.

And this guy, you know, he has no better temptation ideas than Chevy Chase did. He's gonna go after Chase's banker, I guess, through the cat's place. I know that going after his business didn't work the first time, so we're gonna go after his business. Wait, what? Yeah, we're gonna go after his business.

Sorry. I didn't get any of the notes when talking like I usually got demoted, but I am. I'm literally just trying to do his job in my job during this transitional period right now. That's awesome. Didn't have a lot of time for brainstorming. Right, exactly.

I was on the other side of a glory hole 20 minutes before this job was done. Oh, and then we get to the time for the big game. Time for them to go to the big game. So they're cutting to the car, and there's two things I want to point out about this car. The first is he drives with swivel hands, like when you're mimeing driving,

and you move your hands back and forth. If we had a crane shot of this car, it would be leaving wildly back and forth across the medium. And it literally, this script is so bad. It seems as though he swerves into oncoming traffic because of an awkward pause in conversation I'm gonna be bored. I'm not gonna like the baseball game. He's like no come on. You're gonna love it Pause and then he just like turns the way it's like he's just like fine. You're not gonna love it

Let's go to fucking hell And then there's a big wreck and everything, but before we go any further, I need something that rhymes with Shlong Tip to get me through. So let me give the hard self to the last third of this show. Will the guy whose name is suspiciously similar to Lazarus die? Well Jesus, give up on his ministry and fuck this Lovacchi and shake already. Will they learn how to light that? God damn green screen?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for Act 3 of the Miracle Man. Hi, Alan. Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure. Satan, so what's on your mind? First of all, thanks so much for coming in. I want to say that you're doing a fantastic job with the genocide in Ghana. Oh, yeah, thanks. It's a team effort, really though. I mean, Steve and Allison have been a huge part of that success. I appreciate that. Team player, really great. So actually, what I wanted to talk to you about is what you might call a pinch point in

your work right now. Oh, yeah, what's that? Yeah, so the temptation of Jesse Crawford, son of God, obviously an incredibly important goal for us. Yeah, definitely, yes, very exciting project. Yeah, so here's the thing. I've been watching all of this on Hell TV and it seems that your ideas have been to sort of Offer him a second dinner date and put his face on magazine covers. Mm-hmm, right. Yeah

Well, it's just don't we have something Better to tempt him with I hate to use that term, but like do we have some better? I? Don't follow. So like that waitress. Melissa. Right, Melissa, a good with names. She seems fine, but what have instead we thought of something a little bit more,

I mean, I am the devil. So like, I want you to feel like you can go crazy here. Oh, okay, I think I see your point here. So you're looking for something a little raceier, a little more on the direct side maybe exactly Exactly like like we could offer to take them to hooters It's great. Racer. Have you seen how the the way she's dressed there? He would you love that? I was thinking more like

Riving suck you by a thousand nights of painful riding pleasure His darkest fantasies fulfilled at a moment's notice. Yeah, or like a subscription to jugs or something like that. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you know what? Why don't we switch gears? Power. He's the son of God. He wants to change the world. magazine covers doesn't really fit that. Does it? I mean, I guess not. Okay. I mean, so go crazy. What kind of power is he looking for? Maybe laser vision. No no not even a little I mean sorry no bad ideas but remember he's looking

to rule the world. Rule the world powers then. Right that's not a thing you just repeated what I said. I was just a big down into it. Okay no no, I know, I know. All right, hit me. What if... I think it's too much, I think it's too much. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're on to something. Give it to me, go on, hit me with it. All right, all right.

What about this? Ooh, I like this. What about this is a buy 8-get-one-free ticket for alligator bagels and Bayon, New Jersey. With three holes already punched. Made a terrible mistake. In 2008, Eucalyptus Barnes was the best park ranger the Australian Park Service had ever seen. Alright, everybody, stay calm.

This won't be the most crocs I've ever had to wrestle at the same time. Until a tragic accident left him a broken man. You can't keep being yourself up like this you? Nobody could have saved that baby from that damn dingo. I should have been faster. But when a new man as a rises, the Australian Park Service has nowhere else to turn. No excuses you colucalyptus. I need you back.

I'm not the park ranger. I was back then, Captain. You need to be. Why, Captain? What are you up against this time? It's unlike any thing I've ever seen. What's that kangaroo doing to that lady? Ah!

Ah! Ah! Save! Ah! Ah! Save me, Eucalyptus! Keep your hands away from your pouch, Ru! BANG! With green screen and a rape van production, makers of Miracle Man and other award-eligible films comes the prequel everyone's been waiting for. BANG! BANG!

Oh, long, de kangaroo! BANG! BANG! BANG! He's been waiting for it. Hell on the Kangaroo! That's it, Eucalyptus. You're off the case. You're too reckless. You don't get it, Captain. This isn't about the job anymore. When that Kangaroo raped those nuns, he made it personal.

What are you gonna do, Euc? I'm gonna drag that fucking marsupial through the gates of hell. Hellbound kangaroo. Going even further down under, summer of 2016. So we're back to Paulus off the action and we're gonna open act three by meeting the obligatory offensive stereotypical black guy that shows up at least once in every single Christian movie we've ever watched. Because it wouldn't be a Christian movie unless there was a black character to act like a racist

stereotype and then disappear never to be seen again. Like almost everything that happens in this movie, yes. So the first thing to know about this black guy that's very important is he has the reddest eyes you've ever seen. If you watch his eyes are blood red like a demon. Like I expected him to I was like wow that's the one good special effect. He kind of looks like a demon. But no that we just see him cheering for sports in a way like a human being had never watched sports before just like yeah yeah sports time that's what I'm talking about so then Jesus's razor goes off

2013 movie is from 2013 and Christ has a razor. So he goes, he hands his friend the phone and going, what's, he knows what's about to happen. He knows the phone call is going to be about his buddy getting into a car wreck and dying. Right, because you remember that part of the Bible where Jesus finds out about Lazarus dying and just ignores it for two days. Right.

He's got other, because he's hanging out somewhere else and he just doesn't want to take an earlier flight back I'm fuck with my cane and night friend make a man's phone and give my shitty news Yeah, and he indeed that black guys lines is he's like oh really is that what happened? Okay, well, I'm sure he'll call you back This is and then he gets off the phone. This is literally how he gets off the phone he goes. I'm sorry I'm sorry and hangs up the phone that is I don't know that character get off the phone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry What did the other person on the line say unless it was you did it you crashed the car into my brother

You're a murderer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry hang up And so yeah, they said Jesus you need to fly back there right now and Jesus like now fucking I'll wait till Monday I'll go back on Monday, but your price stops and he goes Monday. That's um Okay, the six one two two two days from now days two days from now two days from now I'm sorry. We're still shooting. I'm sorry So then we cut to what is very clearly a Malibu rehab center Which is supposed to be our hospital clearly a Malibu rehab center, which is supposed to be our hospital, so clearly a Christian rehab center.

It's probably where they're fixing the gay and all the bears that they have. All these bear daddies? Yeah, exactly. She goes, your sister has a broken arm and we had him stable, but then 15 minutes ago, his heart started to fribulate. Yeah, let's Fribulate because they were obviously like, what does that thing they do when they make their heart better? A deep

ribulator? That must mean that Fribulation is a bad thing. Right? Deep Fribulation. Fribulation. Fribulation itself to dance. Now, keep in mind, by the way, again, this is like a Russian, like an Eastern fucking European chick with a very thick accent that is supposed to be the sister of this Hispanic guy and this Native American girl and they've made no effort to explain how that works

as sisters. Clearly, they just had to use whoever the fuck they could drug into being into this movie at the time Right, I'm sure they just went to a mental hospital and we're like hey who hears thing is Jesus and those three people You're coming with us. We've got a day trip for you Can any of these guys be touched around a camera equipment? Oh, no, please do not trust them a gallon of camera equipment Don't worry. We're shooting all of this on a motor scooter. We're shooting all of this through a colostomy bag. So then she goes, she goes, you need to be with him right now. At which point she goes, no! And has the

worst fake crying ever. Now listen, I watch a lot of fake rape porn. And this is by far the worst fake crying I have ever heard from an Eastern European woman. All right, and when I say that, it means a lot. I'm just telling you, I'm telling you, if Carl Sagan says he hasn't seen something in space, you listen, and when I say to that woman's fake crying, that Eastern European woman's fake crying is uncon through me or PN woman's fake crime is

unconvincing on the man to go to all right then she has her lake montage and this is this is the real like Facebook status broken up Facebook status moment she goes and I've written I wrote it down exactly she writes God where are you? Are you real? I thought if I followed you good things would happen why all the heartache the hurt the pain I Can't take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore leave me alone. She says leave me alone like God won't stop texting her. And by the way, this is all being delivered as a voiceover as she walks around in a like in a depression commercial sequence in front of a duck pond. It's like a rejected Calvin Klein ad for like atheist cologne or something.

I don't know we're going back with me in black and white and color and shitty filters. Slow crescendo of terrible orchestral string music. If you love faith in God, try to plan a max. Side effects may include the inability to speak English and being related to people you couldn't possibly be related to. And so then he walks, he finally comes in, because he was, you know, he's done, it was all you can eat night at the sizzler finished up, so he decides to wander back to Phoenix. She comes into the house that isn't his,

and she goes, he is dead. Where were you a valid question, which never get answered? Yeah, the guy who's like walking around miracleing people back to life and shit here and there yeah like would have been nice for you to show up right so he goes into talk to the sister and she's sitting in a room and that you there is no better explanation of the budget of this movie oh yes her cast is a tendonitis wrist wrap wrapped in golf it's

one of those wrist wrap wrapped in golf. It's one of those wrist supporters wrapped in golf. It could not look less like a cast, but they just written the word cast on her arm. It wouldn't be better than what they did. And then they had this moment where he's like, he's like, what happened? And she's like, we got hit by a car and she goes, it wasn't our fault. It wasn't our fault. Which which is that doesn't matter what if it had been her fault

it was yeah just like I felt like he was going to be like you sure it wasn't a little your fault did you tell him you didn't want to go to the football game you swear this card to on coming traffic okay I was a little my fault I'm sorry bitch bitch, that's not me. And then they also did this weird thing where they added tears to her face in post. Like they drew on tears that didn't move as her face moved. That was so fucking weird to me. I honestly didn't listen to anything in this scene.

I just looked at those fucking tears and disbelief. Neither did Jesus. If you watch that actor's face, he's looking off camera at someone at something like what the fuck is this shit we're cutting this scene right right hope so this is horrible i don't like anything got caught from this movie i don't think there's anything that got one that wound up a camera even if the camera just kept running for a little while

after the conversation shot that silence stayed in. If Hell Kangaroo stayed in the movie, right. So they go and then he turns to where he goes, you'll understand by the end of the day, pause. Let's go see him. It was such a long pause that I was like, oh my god, they forgot to cut. No, I'm going to watch the actors have lunch.

They was just like, good, good shot. And it's just like the camera stays on like a fucking found footage horror movie. A demon's going to crawl into the wall. Did you see that? So they go to the hospital, not hospital, which could not be less of a hospital. Now, I want to point this out to because this is it another one of these ridiculous establishing shot still photos the establishing shot for this they're going to like the morgue or whatever and the establishing shot is just

a photograph of the phoenix skyline from like six miles away it's not even like up a particular building it's a still shot of phoenix when you google phoenix right right right right in ph in Phoenix there was a dead body in a hospital trust us come on now almost done Raffin it up man who is a long The she shows up the morgan he goes so yeah, I'm thinking about a resurrecting this guy and the guy at the front desk is Clearly bored by how often this happens board by how often this happens. He's like, oh, you're gonna resurrect a cool, just go sign in over there.

You know what, you just go through that restricted access door, make the left for the morgue. Have a blast, whatever, you know, just write down whoever you resurrect so I can keep inventory. So if you're gonna resurrect the recently departed, I'm gonna need you to fill out these forms, so come up to the desk when I call you. When I call you, not when you're done, when I call you. And then he looks up to heaven desk when I call you when I call you not when you're done when I call you and

Then he looks up to heaven and he's like god and literally it is shot for shot word for word a DBZ going super say in power up. He's like I could do nothing with that you and the music's like Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump Oh, crap! Are you raising the dead again? Fricking freezing comes in. I'm a boy. What? So, I can... He... he... he... He can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can... he can itself was obviously like under a hot blanket. It was like, oh, no, blanket was hot. They could get a little bit of a body bag either. It was just a blanket. And we get the same reaction shot that we got to the water into wine miracle from the orderly who's like, that is my car, Jesus. And then it pans out Bear daddy Satan minion has been watching this on a TV

On a TV it's very clearly on a television Yes, and he gets so mad. I was like oh he's mad. I bet he's gonna explode ending That's a bunch of birds or so he explodes into birds like fucking bat like the end of Batman Arkham night. He fucking poofs into a thousand different flying creatures and then the movie cuts off instantly. The movie cuts off like that's it. There's just like yeah. And now we get cheap credits for six minutes. Yeah. Right. It must have called that early. Definitely much to call that. Do they feel like last act is necessary? We've all been here for several hours now making this masterpiece. I think we

could just call it a wrap. No, it's our boy. We're just gilding the lily. This is. Let's just skip then. Didn't we miss a part? There's a thing that happens to Jesus. And he brings a guy back to life, he has more financial troubles. Is it more financial troubles? We need to talk about it. Let's see, have him going over his 401k. No, I don't remember.

I will deal with it later. I can only imagine what the crucifixion, how the crucifixion would be portrayed in this series. Yeah, kind of a shooting all through his hands and feet. Well, he stands against a pinball machine like the accused. All right. So in a desperate and likely futile effort to find something redeeming in the 90 minutes of my life that this movie sucked away, I ask you both, what did we learn from the miracle man? Drink plenty of water.

from the miracle man. Drink plenty of water. Plenty of water, you need a glasses of water a day. The Christ of Nazareth, the best commanded it. And it's mom. And it's mom. And it's mom. I learned that even when you got a nice strong script, great supporting cast, industry leading special effects,

you're still going to need a real pro, like a Kirk Cameron to carry the plot. You're gonna get something like this that isn't very good. Yeah, you can't get sweaty, airy-gorn. All right, so in hopes of avoiding one of those like thumbs up or this many stars, clichés, I ask you this, what's the worst thing that you would let a shark do to your balls rather than watch this movie again? I'd rather get a clumsy blowjob from a shark with braces while watching Shark Meadow 3 on repeat. I'd rather teabag a shark and watch Ian Zering act.

I'd rather have an awkward breakup with a shark that's actually about its weight but I'm trying not to get about its weight. At an Italian, at an olive garden where the waitress refuses to come over and take the check because she can see the shark is crying and don't want to deal with that. I would do that forever rather than ever watch you do that. Like, oh, oh, that's not what it's about. I'm just not in a relationship play. Oh, yeah, if you want to bite a truck out of the table. All right, now that's going to do it for a review of Miracle Man, but that is not going to do it for the show quite yet,

because each week we're going to be closing with the teas for what's on deck with a quick preview review. So Eli, tell us, what are we going to suffer through next week? Oh, next week we have, because you know what, miracle man is a little bit of a downer. The quality was low. And I figured we needed something to bring us up. A story of love, a story of romance, a story of no greater love. Now, we haven't actually watched this movie yet, but we did watch the preview, and we came prepared to do a breakdown of that.

Fantastic movie based on the preview. Now, I have to say after the Miracle Man, as soon as I saw Liongate's film presents, I was like, oh, thank God. Oh, yeah, there'll be people who run cameras for a living who have operated these cameras like Oh my god, I'm worried we're gonna end up giving this movie a glowing review Actually, you know what will be is it the title of the podcast changes next week to like god Christian movies

Because we're just like you know it makes them really good points No one said did you get bit by a squirrel? The scenes all cut whatever one was talking oh my guys I've been reading this William Lane Craig book and in the truth I'm thinking about getting it now you know hard questions tough answers well hard questions I wouldn't say good answers definitely hard questions no you gotta give him credit. Yeah, so the trailer alone for this movie. So basically this movie starts out. I have a feeling that this movie

is going to suffer from something that mean I have a very close friend and me and my friends say this movie is going to suffer from Liar Liar Syndrome because if you've seen the movie Liar Liar, there's one huge flaw with the movie and that is the other boyfriend's character in that movie who as far as we know is a totally nice guy right in liar liar there's that other he's gonna fly the mountain he's been taking care of the kids he's nothing but nice to the kid there's never a moment he saved the princess bride but he can't do the claw right right but he can't do the claw right. Right, exactly, he can't do the claw right, but that guy gets fucked in that movie. That guy gets fucked, that lying, cheating, horrible guy,

terrorizes a plainful of human beings, and risks everyone's life on it. And she's like, we'll go with you. And he's like, that's fine, I guess I'll just, oh, I loved you, I asked you to marry me. Go. So I have a feeling this movie, because the very first thing we see is a husband whose wife was pregnant,

then drank alcohol, then immediately left him. Yes. We see him with the kid. Right, left him with the kid. And then we see him dating a new woman who seems perfectly nice, only to learn that when he sends his kid to Christian summer camp, who's there at that Christian summer camp, but the wife that he hasn't seen in over 10 years.

Now, I want to point this out to you because like this preview seemed to be trying to hide the fact that it was a Christian movie at first. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get 45 seconds in and it's just, oh, there's a woman went missing. Oh, how long have you since you've seen her? Oh, well, this woman's helping me put my life together. Blah, blah, blah. And you're like, okay, this just looks like a normal really boring family drama. And then at like 45 seconds in, there's a little hint of it because the guy's like, you know, he's like, oh, you know, I got to go out of town for the week and the guy's like, oh, we have a

Christian summer camp thing. Let us borrow your kid. And he's like, oh, you know, I gotta go out of town for the week and the guy's like, oh, we have a Christian summer camp thing. Let us borrow your kid and he's like, oh, certainly. Sure, here, yeah, take it, whatever. But then at first, it sort of feels like, okay, then the church is just a vehicle to get them there. And I'm starting to wonder, is this really even a Christian movie? You didn't have to wonder for very long.

I'm not trying to write it really quick now. Because then he's loving, he loves the wife and the big reason he comes forward and there's just a clip of him going, you're saying I can't have my wife back because I'm not a Christian. And I was like, oh this movie's fucking gold. Hard right into bat shit, opalists right there.

Yeah, it looked like we were gonna get a love triangle movie but now we've gotta make room in the Monage with Toilet for Jesus as well. like we were gonna get a love triangle movie But now we've got to make room in the manage with 12 for Jesus as well So it's gonna be a love quadrangle Exactly and I think I mean, I'm just watched the preview But I think this is gonna be a movie about a guy who leaves a woman who has been faithful and kind to his young son for his wife who abandoned them and In order to deserve her. Yes, he's gonna convert to Christianity.

Yes, this is movie selling and I hope that's what the movie delivers. And I call that the fireproof syndrome, you know, like you were talking about when we did our fireproof review about how they're treating a marriage like it's a drowning fucking baby and you gotta save the marriage Even if it's a marriage that like she abandoned you 10 years ago And you just couldn't find her to get the divorce papers to her you still have to like treat that as though you know Like give it CPR and shit like that. Yeah I'm just counting down the days until we find an abuse movie where it's just like I know he beats you But you've got to save the marriage and just the ending shot is like the same shot from the end of Rocky 3 where they punch each other at the same time except there's a big crucifix in front of it just like and they never got divorced

he murdered her but they never got divorced I thought the only honest moment in that entire preview came at the very end when it says look for it on DVD. No, no, keep looking. Try another store or something or like a yard sale. You don't fuck it. You can borrow my copy. Go to a car wash. Usually that's been... No, no, not the one with the wax, the one with the wax. Now move over all those copies of Caddy Shack, because you know they just had a bunch and they layered them over the top. Right, you see that? That movie is a DVD.

Look for one of those. That's what you're going for. Only with this movie on it. So with all that to look forward to, we're gonna draw episode one to a close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. That's patreon.com slash God awful. You'll earn early access to every episode and you'll earn longer episodes and some bonus shit here and there. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of evil giraffes on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear you can

hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick, I'm Noah Luzon's promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, I'm going to leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.