God Awful Movies - 10: GAM010 The Lock In

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

This week, Eli and Noah break down The Lock In, a movie that carves out its own genre somewhere between "found footage horror", and "My bad, I thought I'd turned the camera off."  When three friends find a nudie magazine in a dumpster, it never occurs to them that it might be possessed by demons, because that would be insane.  But that's actually what happens in this vapid waste of pixels. ---- The music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick.  If you'd like to hear more, check out his band, Evil Giraffes on Mars, on Facebook.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur. Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. I Was like if someone was like Eli you do the prayer. I would have been like oh, my god. What's going on? You done watching the rapes? Happy birthday when's your birthday? We never talk about your birthday. Please stop killing babies

love Eli Love yeah, your friends Love, Eli. Love? Yeah. Your friends. And virtually yours. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE!

MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema in an effort to make the concept of mortality a little more appealing. I'm your host Noah Luzonz, and with me, as always, is the ever-so-slightly-still jet-lagged

Eli Bosnick. Eli, good to you to join me sir. I'm not sure what time it is but I'm glad to be wherever what time it is. Alright and unfortunately heath is not going to be able to join us this week family emergency called him away at the last minute he's certainly hoping to be back in the saddle next week but between now and then Eli it's just going to be the two of us it's kind of romantic this way actually. Yeah now that think relax little Halloween episode to young men lost in the world of Christian cinema right and one of us already disappeared so it's it's kind of like this shitty movie that we're gonna be watching this week called the lock-in all right now this is a movie that carves out its very own genre somewhere between found

footage horror and Justin forgot to turn the camera off. It's the story of a demon possessed pornomagazine and there's no need for a coordinating conjunction there because it's about a demon possessed pornomagazine. Yes, yes it is. So tell us Eli, how bad was this movie? So you know how you always thought that the acting in the Blair Witch project was too good? Well then strap on in because if you ever thought man all this great acting in the Blair Witch project is Distracting me from a shaking camera and the lock-in is the movie for you

And if you ever thought hey, you know what I like the Blair Witch project But a demon witch who hunts down teenagers in the woods is too realistic. Well, good for you because the lock-in has an even less likely monster to chase teenagers around. We're assuming there's a monster anyway. Yeah, not only is this, in my opinion, the worst movie that we've watched,

but this may be the single worst thing that ever happened. You know, to express the misery of this film, you can't compare to other movies. You have to compare it to like, cancer and the credit report.com jingles. Yeah, exactly. It's too bad to compare to other films. Yeah, this, this movie makes so little,

the scariest thing about this movie is how large the mega church it's set in is that's the most Frightening my part of this movie was just like man this could be a homeless shelter That's the scariest thing about this film and the most upsetting the Ideas behind this film are much scarier than the film itself. I have that written so many times like holy shit This space is all devoted to Mythology now now we touched on this a little bit last week in a preview review But if you wanted to watch this one along with us you probably failed in that effort and I apologize

but this thing is never gonna see the light of Netflix or anything like that and I Honestly think it fell short of YouTube's minimal quality standards because it's not there either And you also can't even buy it from the website for this movie uh... in fact uh... if it wasn't for the existence of the trailer you could be forgiven entirely for thinking we just made this fucking thing up right just like all man the guys ran out of movies yet really great then there's a scene where a lamp chair

he like you just saying what you said no lamp chair comes out of the comes out of the bookcase Post-era Sam Harris. There's a poster Sam Harris. Yes. Yes. There's a poster Sam Harris Would have made this fucking movie Yeah, no like honestly the big question coming out of this or coming into this one And I don't even know if I can answer it coming out of it is whether or not this was parody So what do you think was was this a of it, is whether or not this was parody? So what do you think? Was this a really, really bad Christian film or was this a really bad parody of a really bad Christian film? This is without question, not a parody. This is a genuine movie that people made with their full hearts in the hope of getting people off of porn.

There's no, if it is, it's tim and Eric level brilliant. But it's not. It's not. If this is a parody, then the filmmakers of this movie are absolute geniuses. And I want to see everything they make ever again, because it's absolutely brilliant. But it's not. It's not. Everything from the scene to the acting to the characters is brilliant brilliant but it's not it's not everything from the scene to the acting to the characters is brilliant but it's not so it's terrifying right right yeah exactly it's like trying to figure out as that

a Jackson Pollock or a fucking splattered paint smock. Smoky exactly that's what I was looking at. Are we looking at a splatter are we looking at a dirty smock are we looking at a movie oh you're looking at a splatter are we looking at a dirty smock are we looking at a movie? Oh you're looking at a smocky looking movie All right, well obviously we're all pretty eager to get this over with but we're gonna take a quick break before we deal and we come back People will scream at mildly abnormal stuff a lot Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I'm Harry Palms from Harry Palms pornography and porium with a special deal for you. Because of some crazy shit involving a holy relic in the accursed poivomunky, our latest shipment of analog pornography was possessed with demons making it impossible to sell

in the open market. That means a headache for me. But savings for you. The you still jerk off the magazines like a person who isn't aware of the internet? Are you confident that you can exercise the demons out of this stuff before you whip your dick out? Or maybe you're just one of them weirdos that poke shit to your face and likes to dress like you want a fuck of vampire?

Who knows, maybe you guys want to get cursed by a demon while you're beaten off. Whatever. If for any reason you're willing to take some of this demonic, infested pornography off my hands, we're selling out of the low, low price of just come get this shit. That's Harry Palm's pornography and porium on the corner of at 201st street in Martin Luther King, Bullifog. We're right behind a throng to bitchy old Christian ladies that have nothing better to do than hate on titties. Warning, prolonged use of demonic pornography may lead to headaches, stomachache, convulsions, projectile nausea, alnex syndrome, violently masturbating with a crucifix while yelling

fuck me Jesus, speaking in dead languages and chafing, did not use demonic pornography if you're currently taking nitrates for chest pain or plan on attending a church lock-in. Ask your exorcist if you're healthy enough for demonic pornography. If you can't afford your analog pornography, an internet connection may be able to help. And we're back for a movie that was less interesting

to watch than the live security feed at your bank. And for a brief shining moment, it was still possible that this movie was gonna to be good because it wasn't on yet but then it was and it was all downhill from there I think they blew their budget actually on the title screen yeah I wrote oh god we're thanking the families oh yeah right so okay so this is they're going for the found footage genre so it starts off by like we'd like to thank the families involved in this very Real thing that actually happened with the day

Pizzest porno magazine in it. I wrote one second into this movie and I already called Literally the opening titles of this movie and I'm like I don't buy it All right, so and now this is gonna be a theme throughout the film But we open up on a crazy fat dude the crazy fat dude isn't a theme throughout the film But okay, so they're going for again the found footage thing But what they're doing is they're using a shitty camera to film it and then they're adding a fax later to make the camera seem shitty Right, they were like man this can in two sixties too nice people won't believe that a kid could own this really it's forty five dollars we found this camera in the garbage no we're gonna have to fix it up

exactly all this movie begins and ends on a television color test screen yes tells you how much these people know as though this was aired on television on a major tech network that tests the colors on televisions. That's not a thing that just happens at the beginning. That's not a blank video cassette. A video cassette is not just a weird rainbow. That's something that networks do to make sure all the colors are in the right place. So the movie just begins and ends with that because they were like, this is what happens

at the beginning and the end of movie. I even wrote that. I was like, oh, a test screen. They use those in this century. Yeah. Right. One second, we got to get the photograph hooked up. We're going to, we're going to, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Are you getting a script over there?

And so we open up on Pastor Chris or ex-Pastor Chris, who looks like Ricky J's loser son. Like if Ricky J had a son who's a good old water through cards at water The level of handsome we have going on in this movie and I should point out if you're hoping for anyone in this movie to be more Attractive than a strong five you can turn this off right now because that is not happening No, everyone here looks like the more lock version of the teenage character from a normal Everyone here looks like the more lock version of the teenage character from a normal movie. Like everyone's younger sister who was kept in a basement escaped and made this movie. Oh my god, this was a ugly, ugly film.

But I will say, and maybe they recognize that and that's why they put Pastor Chris right up front because they're like, it's going to be at least mildly better looking than this most of the time. Right, exactly. You know what? Let's start with our weakest looking person. Chris looks like someone pulled all the hair off a baby doll and then blew up a balloon inside it. So we'll start with we'll start with Chris and then we'll ease him into the teenagers that look like they've got a little bit of downs. He just don't have to taste of the downs, if you will. Someone just got ever so lightly ground some downs and some black truffle dust over their

fetuses. So we're meeting ex-pastor Chris who is recounting this horrible night that we're going to about to watch the found footage from. And like right out of the gate This guy says well, I now believe that there's a connection between pornography and demonic activity Let's just say I now believe there's a correlation also he says They they ask him why he left so that the the opening interview is basically Chris

Why did you leave the church after the night where the scary stuff happened and he says I didn't want to stay there and be a part of that kind of thing anymore and I was like oh totally like you didn't want to brainwash kids and talk about like in visit oh no you met porn team it's never mind sorry sorry no you're talking about telling people they'll go into fire for believing in the wrong wizard but you meant you meant magic magazines for believing in the wrong wizard, but you meant magic magazines. That's my fault. I also love like they had to cut this guy off constantly. And you know, that's a feature that you see in a lot of these found footage type things where they just cut the conversation off and pick it up a few seconds later. But this time it was obvious that they were doing that because this fat bastard rattled on for like 19 minutes on every line he improvised. Yeah, in between each take they were just like Chris, you can stop talking the cameras

off and then I don't know, I just couldn't see the porn anymore, I couldn't feel the porn anymore Chris, no one's here, the lights are off, Chris we're going home and then the porn magazine, all right, if you get anything good we'll ADR it in,'t worry, I won't. I'm gonna eat this copier. Right. So he's standing in this very, very squeezed shot next to a copier and we can see nothing else but that and his gigantic enormity filling the rest of the frame. So I wrote in my notes, he now eats copiers for a living. Apparently, yeah, that's where he works. He also says in the middle of this, guard yourself against pornography. And this just created this amazing awesome image

of a knight who has like a fucking chastity belt on his cock or something like that, has to piss through a little trickle down his leg. He also, at one point they ask him, how did you view pornography before? And I wrote, I mean, mostly on my computer, but like, if my fiance's in bed, and like, I'm on my phone in the bathroom.

Oh, no, you met like, what did I think of it? Oh, yeah, it's bad. Oh, right, right, right. Bad porn's bad. I wrote, you'll have plenty of time for pornography when you're living in a van down by the river. Ha, ha, ha. And then he has this crazy moment where he says,

oh, they brought it in, I don't know, for some kind of last man standing kind of thing. And I was like, what are they going to do with the porn? Hunger games for it? I don't think the Rimland, whoever is the last one alive at the end of this lock-in gets to keep this issue of jugs. See, I had a totally different thought with the last man standing, you know, whoever took the longest or something like that. I don't know.

That's what we played when we were there. So, now we go off and we meet our hero, I guess, Blake, who him and, okay, so Blake, Nick and Justin are the three kids at the center of this movie. Justin is behind the camera the whole time. You see him like four times. Blake is a insufferable douchebag. Yeah. To say that he is the least likable character in this movie is like trying to pick your favorite person in the movie conspiracy. It's like, I don't know the Colin,

kind of got character didn't want to kill all the Jews. Yes. Hard to get Kenneth Brano seemed the meanest, I don't know. Yeah, it's like trying to find someone to like in Roman history or something, but yes, he is like, like from the second he's on screen, you're like, okay, if this was a YouTube video where like this, like a plane crashed into this kid while he was in the middle of talking, I probably still wouldn't be able to make it all the way through to the plane crash or something because this kid is annoying me so fucking much.

If this was a YouTube video, this is unquestioning me a slap cam video. There's no question that the other film work of this character Blake is to go and slap people and be like, slap cam, like this is a vine star. Blake looks and sounds and behaves like a vine star. I wrote in my notes, Blake looks like Ashton Kutcher had a son with downs. If you want to know what Blake, Blake, oh try son of a joke number two. Yeah. Oh, but before that we have to point out Justin is alone in his room. He turns on the camera and then sits on his bed and leaves his back to it. And I was like, just kick in a jerk off. We're gonna watch this kid

jerk off in his room. It's not the first time I had that thought, or not the last time I should say that I had that thought in this movie. So Blake comes to the door and at first he has to do this monologue about we're about to go to the church lock-in and we don't know how exposition works. So we're just gonna tell you what the movie's about, right up front with me.

We're gonna find a point magazine with a demon in it and that demon's gonna scare us, but don't you worry because the power of Christ compels us credits. There you go. What God, that would have been it. Everybody's going, no, actually no. Okay, so this is the only good thing that ever happens in this movie is about to happen. Oh, yeah. Blake knocks on the door like an asshole and then we meet Nick's mom and

Honestly if this movie had just stayed on Nick's mom for the rest of the entire fucking movie 90 minutes of Nick's mom Nick's mom looks and acts like the chicken lady from the kids in the hall sketch Yes, yes And her house is decorated like an olive garden waiting room and she is I to describe this actress's performance is fucking impossible. This actress behaves like her character like if the backstory of this character is right before Blake opened the door.

Nick's dad hit the mom in the back of the head with a shovel. All of her behavior would make sense because she seems totally unconnected to reality. No, like, okay, so like occasionally she's just a normal person, then she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then she's battling on about the most insane of shit. Yeah, no, I don't know that I could do it, justice. Right, I wrote in my notes, ironically, the acting in this movie is far worse than porn so they could have learned so if maybe if they were afraid of the porn demons they would have learned how an actor preparing I don't know yeah she looks like she's into it so look like you're into it

got it make eye contact with actors when they are in the room with you. So then they pick up Nick's sister's wedding photo. And he's like, oh, Nick's sister Blake picks up the photo and he's showing it to the camera. He's like, oh, Nick's sister is so hot, which begs the question. If they jerk off to Nick's sister's wedding photo, does it then become born and then act as a demon portal? Like does everything that you're off to, there become born. Is it one of those like, I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it kind of situations

because then I want you guys to know, I've made a lot of weird stuff, portals for demons then. You should just be aware. Right. I have an all that DVD set, which is just all full of demons at this point not so yeah and and also by the way we're gonna learn about forty seven times

here that nick has a crush on jessica yes uh... we're gonna say that over and over again throughout the first eight nine minutes of the filming case you don't get the first time nick has a crush on jessica and jessica has a crush on Jessica. And Jessica has a crush on Nick. But again, because this is a Christian movie, again, not a parody, because this is a Christian movie, they're not teenagers who are like, oh, you're gonna fuck Jessica tonight. And he's like, oh, tonight we're gonna get Nick and Jessica to talk to each other. And then they're gonna get married.

Well he even says this is the night that you and Jessica will kiss now These are supposed to be high school seniors. Yeah, I'm on their own video on their own time Yeah, yeah, so I apparently this is what the youth pastor who put this thing together thinks that kids talk about yes Right exactly. Okay. No, it's gonna get a little racy because we're gonna talk about some premarital kissing. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. Alright, makes mom calm down. What's a door? Alright. I'm afraid of light. Okay, well, if you could just, can someone give her her pills? I don't take them. I hide them under my tongue. Alright.

This is why she in the movie. I made all all the food one of your sandwiches has glass in it But I'm not telling you which one this is where we meet Nick and Nick looks like Alvin from the chipmunks raped Biff from back to the future That's if you need an image of what this character looks like and has bad acne and or was bobbing for French fries right before we met him Yes, that's that's pretty much perfect Um, and then so they they get Nick and they're heading downstairs to go to the lock-in and we've only seen we've only gotten a taste of Nick's mom's insanity on the way in but on the way out she hears them talking about how Nick is gonna hook up with Jessica and possibly kiss or something and she freaks the fuck out so

then we get to spend about seven or eight minutes listening to Nick's mom give Nick the sex talk. Yeah, Nick's mom and Nick's dad. Now again, if Nick's mom looks like the chicken lady, Nick's dad looks like fat Robert Duval. I want you to imagine Robert Duval while they were filming Godfather 3 and he was just sitting at home eating mashed potatoes just like, who the fuck give me an extra ten thousand dollars supposed to be a better movie That's what I assume he shot this film. Why just imagine if

Robert Duval got stung by bees for an hour and a half That's right. Yeah, and they have the weirdest I don't know if it's supposed to be a sex talk or a religion talk But they have the weirdest talk that anyone's ever had with their child. And it lasts for like 85 minutes. It does. And it's clearly supposed to be funny sort of, I guess, but they're not making fun of the, you know, they're not making fun of the message that's being sent, which is keep your dick in your pants and never touch it and be ashamed of yourself

every time you have an erection. They're making fun of the way it's being presented. Like, oh, these people don't know how to shame a child's sexuality. If we were writing a movie about crazy Christians and bad Christian parenting, this is the scene we would write. So, the mom says, did you pray about this? She says, did God introduce you to her? Did God introduce you to her?

I don't want you getting anybody pregnant, don't touch her. And at which point I wrote, does she not know how pregnancy works? She has a kid. Then he mentions that they met in math class and she goes, oh, did you solve her problems for her? Yeah, like. And then when they say they went to a pizza parlor,

this is part of, they against they got pizza. And so she says, front or the back seat, front seat or the back seat. And I wrote my notes. That's anal, right? She's asking that. Way to go, mom. I get it. And then the dad comes in and it's just that he goes, yeah, we went to Luigi's for some pizza. And this is exactly what happens. I'm not exaggerating or making it up. No, we'll back me up. He goes, we went to Luigi's for some pizza and literally this is exactly what happens I'm not exaggerating or making it up. No will back me up he goes we went to Luigi's and he goes Luigi's No we need no we need

Which was just fucking insane. There's a more and it does nothing to do with anything They're just like oh, where'd you go? We went to Luigi's no we need no which means no penis. I guess no penis. Yeah, he doesn't have a penis. He shouldn't have a penis. By the way, if you want a character who is aware of how crazy it is, there is a terrified poodle in this scene in the background that reacts the way I do to this. The poodle is like, I don't know why everyone's shouting. This is weird. I have a strange haircut for a dog. If you get your hands on this movie, however, if you say if it ever comes out and you listen to this episode, you get a chance to see this movie, watch the dog in this scene just be morally confused by all the behavior. Dog just

like, I'm gonna go shit in the kitchen. This is right on like this. It's fucking insane. None of this none of this conversation makes sense. The mom asks if there will be separate bathrooms for boys and girls. There's fucking this woman doesn't isn't aware how reality works. No, let alone how's like sexuality. She's like, will there be dollars there? Yeah mom mom. It's a building what's a roof? So then they get into the they jump in the car to leave and everything and Whoo, so yeah Blake says hey Nick your parents are insane man And I'm thinking no like but you're not in a funny way though like they're mentally ill like this poor kid That's not like a hey Nick your parents just really gave it to you.'s like hey Nick are you okay? We can do some right exactly we can skip this lock-in man Your mom didn't seem to know what doors are I'm worried about them

Nick's parents just have terrible Alzheimer's oh yeah exactly exactly and nobody knows because they're too busy with the porn demons I guess. At which point we turn to Justin and we get the first like bullying Justin scene. Where we're regular. And by the way, if you think we're ever going to address this behavior except to make fun of it, we're not. Where we find out that Justin has a habit of digging through the garbage. Right. Okay. So now going into this, I saw the preview and I saw that they find a porn omagazine in the garbage. Right, okay, so now going into this, I saw the preview and I saw that they find a porn oh magazine in the garbage and I thought to myself, this is the sloppiest way you could possibly

set up, they find a porn oh magazine in the garbage by having them say, hey, Justin, you need to stop digging through dumpsters like you dig through dumpsters sometimes, you dumpster digger. And as Sloppie and heavy handed, as that was, that actually didn't turn out to have anything to do with why they were in a dumpster to find the porn magazine so I guess they just figured that was something that the other like we need a quirk for Justin yeah what's a good quirk uh he taught he ties animals up and torches them to death that's good that's good something like that without uh he dresses up like a woman and fucks himself and he died he did it takes through dumpsters looking for a little bit of the

good guy got a good and a job lunchtime lunch let's break for lunch the good writers meeting because it's fine they and it's never done he did through dumpsters and he he has this moment where he goes i found a kite in their last week and they're like what are you doing flying kites and I'm like no man what are you doing digging through the garbage kites are fun they go up in the air what what what what a joyous time to be had why are you digging

through the garbage is the question you need to ask your friend not why are you flying kites why are you flying garbage kites oh and then they attributed to the fact that he's homeschooled and I got to I got to watch this with my fiance who was homeschooled and I turned her literally I turned to her and she goes no homeschooled people don't go to garbage I just wanted to check and see if that was like a thing that It was part of a homeschool. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, I was also homeschooled, not for crazy religious reasons, like most people are homeschooled. Those people probably go through the garbage.

I don't know. The crazy religious homeschooled people, quite possibly. If you're an 18-year-old and you're referring to your grandparents, as pop-pop and nannat to your friends, you're probably the guy-to-guy that goes through garbage. That was actually probably the most believable thing in the movie that this guy takes to the garbage so now they find uh... they drive by a bunch of bag of wet pizza crust

i got one for everybody guys so that they drive by a dumpster and they stop at the dumpster not so that just can pick through it but because blakes car is dirty and they want to clean it out. Right. And this is where they find the demonic Pornomagazine that will be at the center of this film. And man did no one who was a part of this movie have access to a Pornomagazine. It's a paper bag and it clearly, it very clearly has a Martha Stewart home-living movie magazine in it

They we never they open it up several times. We never see anything but words We never see so much as a picture of a woman They couldn't even find a fashion magazine this at this movie. They were like it's fine We'll just take this home living magazine will crumple it up and everyone will look at it Like it's a fucking peak box because no one at any point looks at this thing because if you find a porn magazine and I know because when I was young I found porn magazines with my friends the first thing you do is you open it up and show everyone the titties you don't you don't take turns slowly opening it by three degrees and being

like yeah you see those titties in there no because the book is closed Well, there's cities in there Never never do they turn it sideways open a centerfold nothing and by the way this thing is covered in like a brown paper bag Constantly like there's a half like a there's the construction paper or whatever like you remember when you were a kid and and you would make I don't know maybe you maybe didn't grow up as poor as me, but you'd make the book. Yeah, make your own book covers. That's exactly it. Someone made a book cover for this porno Well, I'm gonna be using this a lot and I don't want the cover to get all ripped up so I'm gonna Cover it with a with a girl Get meered on the subway

When I'm beaten off to it. I think it's because they can see what the magazine is Maybe they'll just think I'm I'm beaten off to it. I think it's because they can see what the magazine is. Exactly. Maybe they'll just think I'm beaten off to something else. Oh, that guy's just jerking off to home in garden. When you're done with that, man, you say, and then they have this moral quandary moment of what to do with the magazine. Should we put it back in the trash? Should we keep it? Beading off to it never seems to come up for some reason But what ultimately happens is that they sneak it into Nick's backpack without him knowing right that's gonna be important later very important So then they they drive into the lock-in where they are cat-calling boys in the parking lot like they're driving in and they roll down the window and they're like, hey man, what's going on?

Oh nice sleeping bag, you know, sleeping that sleeping bag, all right, bye. It's just a very, again, they were like, we need 90 minutes, let's do a scene where they cat call people. Apparently. And this is where we meet Jessica and Genesis. Genesis is the fucking other chick's name.

Her name is Genesis. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Her little her little brother Corinthian's will show up later in the film and then she's us. So Jessica and Genesis who are both hard fives, solid solid fives. I think you're being generous. This is why these kids are finding dumps to a porn or magazine. The hot girl in this film you're like I mean- I don't want to look at no movie now,

because she's on it, yeah. And apparently, complimenting your sleeping bag is the way to her heart, because that's the way they go. Right. This was such bizarre, and we see this in a lot of Christian movies, but never quite this bad,

where they have to have the characters flirting. Right. But you can't refer to sex, and you can't refer to anything that movies or life or love or anything. Exactly. They're just like, you're wearing hat, right? I am wearing hat.

Marriage now? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's about it. Yeah, but this is when Fat Pastor Chris shows back up in the film and I was a happy man. Right, yeah, exactly. Now, Pastor Chris gives the weirdest introductory to a lock-in speech you've ever... I did, I don't know about you. You ever go to a lock-in? Yeah, yeah. A lock-in, they go, hey guys, keep it safe. It's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be a good time. We're gonna play some games here, the activities for the night. Don't fuck each other. That was at the very end, they said, hey, don't fuck each other. We all fuck each other anyways, but they said, don't fuck each other. But it was at the end, mostly what you talked about was the activities and where to eat and the fun. 99% of this speeches do not fuck each other.

The first thing he points out is, oh, we have security cameras with night vision. Two night vision. What? We have government security at this church. You know the White House, the cameras they have, yeah, same one. Yeah, it's like a $75 million system. They might as well have said, we have the lasers from Entrapment here. Interesting. Guys, you're wondering, we got the mission impossible. Two room downstairs.

Tom Cruz has to lower himself through the ceiling. Oh, it's not possible. So he says big brother is always watching. He also says that if you, the internet will text me if you look at anything inappropriate. Yeah. Mm-hmm. They have that, too.

He also promises fun and excitement. And I'm looking at this guy guy and I'm saying to myself There is no way that that guy has ever considered anything fun and exciting that did not involve a D20 This is also when he tells them that nothing but side hugs Yeah, and that guys have a red box girls have a blue box don't make a purple box What? Okay, okay, it took me a second But I get this because vaginas are boxes and when you hit them hard enough you bruise them

I guess and they turn purple so you say and be gentle Yeah, I wrote in my note. This is extreme kink that I have not heard of some kind of box play I'm into it. I'm just saying I'm into it Also the the pastor gives a little prayer at the end of this thing, and two things I wanted to point out about the prayer. First of all, Blake is taking God as seriously as I do. The entire time during the prayer, Blake is going,

yeah, Jesus. And then also, the pastor actually fucks up the prayer. You know, he actually likes stumbles and has to go back and they don't, they didn't retake that. Nothing in this movie was retaken and nothing was taken was not used. There is nothing on the cutting room floor. There is no question that at the end of this movie, the filmmakers looked at each other and they were like, I don't know why everyone says making movies is so hard.

We got every shot in one tank. We literally just put the tape into eye movie and that's the film I don't know seems easy to me. They shot it in order All we need to do is put this after effects face onto this kids and the movie is over Get some bear sounds in there and we're ready to go Yeah, and not only that but he has a very buddy buddy prayer. He's like, okay, uh, Lord Keep up the good work in there. You're doing great. I've always loved you Um, go, uh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go God what's going on you done watching the rapes happy birthday when's your birthday we never talk about your birthday Please stop killing baby

love Eli Love yeah, your friend Gorgeous Eli from the desk written Dictated but not read Eli uh... so now we're waterboarding genesis for information about whether or not

shesika likes nick even though the camera turns and jeska and nick are talking and very clearly like each other yeah exactly exactly to which of course jesika uh of course, Jessica, they've got they've got to bring the Pornomag back out. So Jessica's like, Oh, what's in your backpack there? Nick, uh, is there are there cookies in there? And right. And he goes, I don't know. Let's check and see if there are cookies in there. Um, and of course, there ain't no

cookies in there. But she, she reaches into the paper bag filled with paper. So she's like, are this paper cookies? I like paper. Okay. Those are pictures of cookies. And then inside the widget to the snowsberries, tastes like snowsberry. Right. So her first instinct when she opens up this dude's back back is, oh, here's a brown paper bag that looks like it came out of a dumpster. Let's check. Let's check. Let's check there for the cookies Yeah, right and she reacts to this porno like it's pictures of them murdering a homeless That's and by the way the least believable thing in this movie is that a girl with a nose ring wouldn't be okay With you having porn in your bag list and my friends I grew up in the 90s

You pull out porn for a girl with a nose ring. She's gonna be like oh man. That's some soft core shit. Let me show you this You see the movie shitting bitches two e two girls one cup is the full film 90 minutes man I got it on my phone pastor Chris gets a text god damn it Jessica I'm just watching it for the articles. There's no articles So yeah, she finds the porn screams like shit. She's like you're disgusting You've seen they get people you have seen pornography ah and she so she runs he gets a pastor Chris and his wife so that they can chew them out and have a very awkward sex talk right they have they have a talk and by the way we should point out that he is filming this through the door

This this is not the first time this was the last time this was happened, but they have a magical camera that can get fairly perfect sound through a window or a door. They just failed to mention their friend Steve who's holding a boom over everybody in this movie and they just never talked to him. Yeah, because that's how cameras work. And also I want to point out how ridiculous it is to watch this fat fucking bastard that was probably beating off as recently as the first take of this scene telling this teenager about how he should never look at porn.

Right, they were like, Chris, you got you porn still on your computer, you want to close that window? Oh yeah, sorry, Genesis was changing her t-shirt earlier and you know, we don't want to repeat it last year. No Chris, we don't. Yeah. You went to jail.

You're on a list now. I know, I know. Live you learn to get Jesus forgives me and that's all that matters. All right, well, apparently. And also so now, okay, so at this point, he looks up and sees that Justin is filming like very clearly standing right in front of him, filming in the window and and Blake goes, Oh, shit, they saw.

So then they make him come in and let him keep filming as they chastise or as he continues to chastise. We're not going to tell anybody about this, but we are going to let your friend film right right? Exactly. Also, Justin's They they're like where did it come from? Oh, we found it in a dumpster and the pastor turns to Justin It goes Justin. Were you dumpster diving again? So apparently this is something that everyone knows about right?

Everyone knows that Justin goes to the dumpster and does not care Everyone's just like yeah, no, just old J dog going through the dumpster again can't help it found a squirrel last week Keep trying to eat it. Anyway, that's not my job. My job is do you believe in Jesus? Right also we got it we can't Glaze over this line here at one point Pastor Chris says to Nick. He's like when you were looking through that magazine Did it occur to you that that could be my daughter and Nick goes it well, it wasn't it goes well not this time those are the actual lines in the movie

yeah i wrote does does pastor christ's daughter do porn right where's that i want to see the backstory where christ's daughter is a lexas texas and he's just he's just keeping up a competitive branding thing is like all right and i can't help but knows but my daughter's not in this one, man. You got a problem with her, Stan? Sasha's been working really hard lately, man, you know? She's got her own website.

Well, it also, he goes like, he's like, oh, and would you just go and watch my wife take a shower? And I'm like, you know that these girls are aware to camera man's there, right? They get permissioned. They get permission and stuff they might think that that i wrote my notes they might think that porno is an accident like that that people just get walked in on fucking and some guys like oh fuck

take pictures take pictures and they're like well it is what it is i guess we're ending up in hustler magazine now apparently so their solution uh... now that they have this porno magazine is that they're going to Burn it. They're going to burn it. They're gonna take it out in the parking lot and Set it a fire so that even the ashes will not be able to be reconstituted to see tits in the future only you can prevent forest fires people because they got to the parking lot by the guard by the dumpster Yeah, to to burn it, but before they do they have another buddy buddy prayer with God Where's like God we love you just for who you are you had me and hello God

You complete me God. It's just the weirdest again. This guy never this is the prayer I would give I would just be like god damn What do people say Ten things I hate about you god you let kids die. No wait. I'm supposed to say nice thing So then the devil makes I've so that Chris the pastor has trouble lighting the actual mags Yeah And I had I was like oh the devil makes the kitchen lighter not work apparently so great is his power I Should point out too that they're in the middle of what looks like tornado wind activity too.

So it didn't occur to anybody that like, hey, maybe we should wait for the wind to calm down before we do the lighter scene. And of course they didn't retake it or anything like that. So we get to watch Pastor Chris try 96 times to like this goddamn thing on fire before he does. Yeah. And then they apologize and he goes, well, it's not me, you have to apologize to.

It's, you know, and I wrote in my notes, who do they have to apologize to? The porno for wasting it? For setting it a fire? I think it's the space wizard man. Oh, I get it. I'm sorry. And then we go back into the church where once again,

we will take advantage of the hearing through walls powers of justice camera uh... while we've dropped on a private conversation between jessica and Rachel and i just want to point out that's illegal you know that but not only is it legal but we don't know who Rachel is jessica's just on the phone and she's she's having an out she's having an outlining moralizing conversation where she's like I don't know what to do about

this I thought he was a nice guy and I want so badly for Rachel on the other end of the phone to be like I mean I don't know that's really none of your business do you everyone jerks off you know that I'm just Jessica I'm joking off right now I was I was playing DJ Dittlesworth and then I saw you call that I was like okay I'm gonna pause this video of this man getting choked and Talked to my friend Jessica, but as soon as I get off I'm gonna squeeze this bean until the button pops I Loved the line to she says I just reached into his brag to get some Oreos, and I'm sure the friend is sitting at home thinking Did you I mean I don't know that euphemism uh is that a that's a bowling ball right

for a two in the pink one in the stinkers that you put your hand upside down I don't know that the Oreos which what's the white stuff in this I'm into it I want you know I'm into it I'm almost there just keep describing oh no no you met real or you and i gotta say and this is probably a lot about me i'm really familiar with women making foot fake phone call so they don't have to talk to me and stuff and then their jeska is really bad at the fake phone call because she's not like pausing long enough for the other person to talk

and she then and she ends the call by going i can't even like a guy who had a poor no magazineg And I'm like is that something you control? Are you able to just not like a person? Yeah, I guess the moral message here by the way is to the boys watching at home is that ugly girls with those rings won't want to fuck you if You're near porn so get a portal max He is quickly as you can exact. I mean, I would rather jerk off to a magazine I found in the dumpster than fuck this girl. Oh, no question. I would rather fuck a magazine, I would rather fuck a magazine and deal with the paper cuts than fuck this girl. I mean, sure, yeah, there's little cuts all around my- I could fill this magazine with lemon juice.

Fuck it and get the paper cuts and I'd be like, well, at least it's not Jessica or Genesis. Ugh. Ugh. So now we- Old Country Buffet School of Excellence. and get the paper cuts and i'd be like well at least it's not just a girl genesis uh... so now we have a country buffet school of x uh... uh... super accurate by the way uh... so okay so now we we cut up to their their leg laying out their sleeping bags and as nick on rolls his

uh... sleeping bag the porno is in the sleeping bag, even though they burned it, guys. Get it? Because it came back as the devil has- And this is where we get the first of the security cameras of the building and to show that the devil is present

the automatic door opens. The very clearly automatic door, because it's got the little handicap window plate opens by itself. So I did not recognize that was supposed to be scary. Right, Anna went, is that an automatic door? And I said, yeah, and then I realized, oh, the opening of that automatic door

is supposed to be scary. And then there's a thing swinging like in a corner, we're supposed to see in another shot in a rocking chair rocking. And I just wrote in my notes, oh look, they have a midget that hung itself too, like in the corner we're supposed to see in another shot in a rocking chair rocking and just wrote in my notes, oh look they have a midget that hung itself too like in the Wizard of Oz. It's real stuff people, Google that, midget hung himself on the set of Wizard of Oz. That's not true. It's true.

Don't you listen to no, don't you listen to no, I'm midget hung himself on this, this is the last episode of Gap, you Google it, midget hung himself on the set is the last episode of gap you Google it make it hung himself on the set you can see his shadow and don't let anybody tell you differently the government tried to cover it up like the roller shootings but if you look at the parents they're the same actress as the Colorado she doesn't that's on my other podcast guys I don't want to cross promote right now but it's a whole thing that made it later committed the Aurora shooting that's the point all right I got you i got you so by the way i want to point out that it in order for us to believe okay so we're getting this security shot

that is apparently following an invisible devil whose first thought is i'm in a church wears a good rocking chair yeah i'm gonna go and sit down we don't know that this death this devil is more but this devil has very, very weird plans. This devil's game plan throughout this night seems to be, I don't know, like lock all the doors and make... This is the criss-crissty of devils in my mind. I lock all the doors and I'll make bare sounds and then have a nice sit in a chair. I'll steal their camera at one point. I don't know. I didn't think this through. Oh, I'm gonna get in trouble

I'll fill up the tub What I would imagine that all the other demons were making fun of him after this night like, dude Is that all you could go a good job, Brian really great? Oh? Fill up the tub. Oh no, Brian. Don't fill up the tub guys. It was my first chance don't feel the type guys it was my first chance. What was I supposed to do? I made everyone disappear. That was pretty cool. We all know that you had Alan do that for you.

But I was my idea. Teamwork. So Brian the loser demon. Where's his moving? Oh, shit. Yeah. It's on Kickstarter folks. Help us out.

Right. So then we get this awkward series of shots where the guys are trying to throw away the demonic porno. And their first thought is, let's go outside and throw it in the dumpster, where it worked so well last time, but the pastors' wife won't let them out because it's a lock in there, not allowed to go out even to their car.

And I wrote down, Justin left his insulin out there. You know the rules, guys. Exactly. Sorry, Justin, you're just going to have to die. A lock-in. It's a lock-in. It's not a let's everyone let out. What do we do? We let Justin out for his insulin. And then what? That girl had an asthma attack earlier. She's dead in the corner. You can see me breaking the rules for her. Now go place some laser tag you crazy kids. Right, and so now once they're thwarted with this, they're their next ideas. Hey, there's a trash can on the second floor somewhere.

They pass 11 trash cans on their way. And as they do, like the hallways they're walking through, I had to wipe, I had to write down on my notes. Do they go to church in a Zelda dungeon? Right, exactly. There's like leaves on the walls at one point. And yeah, we're gonna come back to this, but there are certain hallways of this church

that are lit by porno lights. Oh yeah. Just like light pink and light blue lighting. It's very weird. So they throw the porno into this garbage can and as they're walking away oh but first first they say hey blink you've got to go you've got a barrier deep and he goes I don't want to be a garbage man and I wrote my notes blink that is not what garbage men do they do not bury garbage deeper into a camp

what and again great another great euphemism that made me wonder if it was a parody when they said you have to bury it deep but But then as they're walking away the garbage can Grows at them and Leaps away from the wall or something right I wrote run. There's a bear in that portal Right the rest of this movie is them being chased by a bear Well the rest of this movie is like mildly unusual things happening and them screaming and running right because that's exactly what they're doing They do they hear a growl the trash can falls over and they'll scream and run like honestly like if I even if I heard like the most

Domotic of growls and the trash can fell over I would be like is there a fucking bear in the church? I have got to see that shit you've got a camera hand me your camera right my first thing would be raccoon right that's a raccoon trash can scary noise raccoon I'd still run away cuz I'm a pussy well yeah but you'd get to the bottom of the stairs and you'd all be laughing and going oh we just got scared shitless by a raccoon. Right, you wouldn't be like, oh my God. Oh yeah, where are they? Also, the moment they get to the bottom of the stairs,

everyone in the church has vanished? Apparently, yes. And all the lights are out. Yeah. And then they immediately turned to Justin and go, Justin, where did everyone go, as though Justin was not with them? Right, well, we have to spend like four minutes establishing that everyone's gone.

Well, they talk to each other about how everyone's gone. Nick goes, where is everybody? Blake and Blake goes, I don't know Nick, where is everybody? For a four-fuck-in-minute! Yeah, just everyone checks in to make sure that they were all in the same room. At which point, he he goes nobody could have made that trash can move and I wrote in my notes as someone who can make a trash can move on its own I've insulted professionally. Exactly that's not even that good a trick guys. Yeah it's just that the person off camera kick it we're gonna see their feet later on

in the movie when they walk into the I'm getting drowned by a demon move. I could oh Jesus yeah, we'll get to it. Um, but so okay, and again, the their reaction when they come back downstairs, they've left the group, they've gone upstairs, there was a raccoon or something, they come back downstairs, everybody's gone. Their instinct is not, well guys, this is a really big church. Let's check to see if they're in the basement or the kitchen or the sanctuary or the other fucking room or the weird demon summoning room that we're gonna see the kid

in later. They don't or pastor Chris's office or any of these. This is like a nine story fucking huge goddamn building, but their immediate instinct is, oh, they must have been demonically removed from the building. Kidnapped. They must have been kidnapped. Yes. Well that one comes up to They've been noiselessly silently kidnapped and all the lights went off Well, and I love that at one point just instance. Maybe they're playing hide and go seek or something Which again as stupid as that is for a high school senior to say about a bunch of other high school seniors It's way more likely than any of the demonic

scenarios that they're that they're proposing, but you know, and I don't know about you, but if I was 18 and I came down stairs at a lock-in and everyone was gone, I would have been like cool. Good place all to ourselves. I wouldn't have been like, where is everybody? I would have been like fun. I don't know where everyone is, but yeah, let's twist one up. Yeah, I was gonna say let's smoke this joint that I brought with me So and by the way, I like I want to say again Like every line in this movie is either a summary of what just happened what is happening or what's about to happen like or Screaming yeah, right right exactly or if this if the lines of this movie were a pie chart it's like three quarters screaming and then the last quarter is broken up into plot summary

and then there's a tiny sliver of insane mom talk who doesn't know how the world works also a tiny sliver of black screen with people breathing oh yeah and much larger sliver than that than you would hope for but a tiny sliver nonetheless so now they're all hanging out in the sanctuary and then they're like, hey, what's that noise? Let's let's let's go check it out. But they need to sneak up on the noise. They're like, be quiet. And I'm like, you're sneaking up on the noise. And I wrote Scoopy in the gang are going to check it out.

Right, exactly. Jinkies. Justin drops his glasses. So they go and they open a closet and Jessica is inside and her reaction to the closet being open is to scream, have everyone else scream, and for the camera to blur. Well, and also to give you an idea of the film quality we're working with here, she screams so loud that the microphone kicks down. So for the rest of the scene everybody's super fucking quiet. You can't hear what they're saying. We can't believe we got in one take. Yeah, exactly. So yeah Jessica is in the closet and she's a screamer. And when they say, you know, what the fuck were you doing in this closet? She says,

well, everyone was gone. So I thought they were kidnapped. And so I doing in this closet? She says, well, everyone was gone, so I thought they were kidnapped, and so I hid in this closet, because that's a logical series of things to both assume and do based on that assumption. Okay. Nobody went to an exit in this movie. Nobody was like, man, everyone's gone. Let's check outside.

Yeah. Their first instinct was like, it's hiding at a side here. Maybe they're in the parking lot, right? Burning a porno or something. Right. Oh, guys, they found a science textbook and everyone's gathered around it singing Kumbaya. All right. So and then we get another demon growly sound and we go through a very long sequence of following them through this church to every different door

while they bang on it and whack on it. Oh, let's check the basement and by the way, the basement has windows to the outside which is weird. But yes, for like... So floating house. This church is howl's moving castle guys. Yeah, exactly. So for several minutes we watch them bang on windows and stuff and at one point I loved this, you know, somebody brings up, hey, why don't we hit one of these windows with a with a chair? Oh, this is what yes They so they get down the basement and he hits the he hits the window with a chair like wrestling Yeah, he's very clearly learned how chairs work hitting things for wrestling like John Cena is gonna tag him in on that window

He's just tapping the goddamn window because they clearly, you know, they don't have the budget needed to Break a window here or anything. Right. And also if they broke a window, they would be free. Well that too So we watch him feebly tap on this door on this window going it won't break guys Right also they obviously didn't have the budget in this movie to like lock the doors Really and since most big buildings don't have the budget in this movie to like lock the doors really and since most big buildings don't have doors that like dead bolt from the inside most of them can open from one side all of the actors had to pantomime about the doors by doing anything but pushing or pulling on the door knob or push bar for the door so they're like I'll try the top

of the window how about the bottom of the window how about the middle where the fucking push bar is? No, no, no, no, no, no. How many takes did they just accidentally open the door? I mean, they cut Blake, we said not to open the door. I'm sorry. It's just can we put something on the other side? No people will see And when they go back into the sanctuary You know it's creepy because the the podium with the music is knocked over Right, and I wrote down no human being would knock over a podium like that Guys something knocked over the music stand must be the devil. Let's run around like fucking insane people

Right if I saw a knocked over music stand in that point I'd be like oh good someone is here. Yeah, right right Let's put this back up so it doesn't get ripped up later. Um, so they they go through like the back exit of this Sanctuary or whatever. This is where we find the pink and purple lit hallway or whatever which is for Baptisms. Yeah, exactly exactly. There's a giant hot tub hallway. It's a hot tub hallway. That's the only way I can describe it. It's a hallway, but the floor is a hot tub.

Yeah, exactly. So it's a baptismal, which would be an awesome fuck room. So much, you know, and again, proof that these aren't real teenagers. They don't immediately turn that on and fucking that water. Yeah, that would be the thing to do. But they stop and they say, oh, this is the thing for the baptisms. This whole thing fills with water.

Wow, interesting. And when they said that, Anna turned to me and goes, is this an ad for this church? Oh, look at this, a lovely baptismal font. Used by anyone, should they feel the right of the Lord and here's where we usually keep the delicious free refreshments for anyone who comes into our Saturday service. So yeah and then this is where they see the guy and at the walking by outside and they bang on the window but he can't hear them and it it's clearly like- But the devil soundproofed the windows.

I guess, yes. Soundproofed the windows. Oh, that's a whole thing. Do you want us to put up like foam or- No, no, no, I wanted to look like normal windows. So like soundproofed on the- Yeah, I'm going to be using a zoom mic in there. So I really needed to be quiet, guys.

I needed to- Yeah. So now we need the characters to move elsewhere in the film. I guess so they all go. Oh, I'm so hungry It's been minutes since we ate I guess I wrote it's been minutes since we ate minutes I say we have to draw straws and see who eats Justin And I'm thinking of myself man guys, guys, I've seen Pastor Chris, there is no food left in this church. There may be somewhere in deep in the bowels of it, there might just be gigantic fucking 40 gallon drums of Oreo cookies

somewhere, but those things are going to be padlocked. Shut your mouth. Which, of course, Jessica will reach in without looking. She'll just be like, I bet there's cookies right here Don't trust here near a paper shredder. No look this looks at it bet there's paper cookies in At which point I wrote my notes I see this is going to be the let's check the blank movie and indeed it is the rest of this film Yes, let's check the blank nope.. Now let's check the blank. Yes. All right, so now we're in the kitchen And we get a phenomenal version of what Eli was talking about about them not actually being able to lock the doors

Because apparently the fridge won't open and none of the cupboards will open and again They couldn't like seal anything up, you know, so they have to like like when they're trying to put they have to hold one hand on the cupboard while they're trying to pull it with the other hand or yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is a mind you would not tip. That's the level of mind we have going to just like, it's, you see it open a little bit and they close it again. They're like, all right, I'm sorry. Are we cutting? Oh, we're not cutting. All right, keep going. Can't get this bridge open. At which point we have the the let's talk about porn talk and this is my favorite Scene in the movie. All right, so think the USS Indianapolis scene and jaws. Yes, except instead of sharks We're talking about porn. Yes, exactly 1100 sperm went into that gym sock that night put on a 316 game out It is exactly that so it starts with so they're all yelling at Blake for bringing the porn magazine in the first place

Mm-hmm, and so Jessica says that porn magazines destroyed her family her dad couldn't let go of porn and in my head Like he got eaten by porn magazines like the birds But it was copies of jugs and tips magazine Big black ass magazine just latches on to his dad's face and he's like We are so put in the prequel on Kickstarter holy shit. Oh, yeah, come on people. Let's make that movie happen She goes do you have any respect for women? And I thought their Christians. So no, it's their obligated interview. Red Timothy. Yeah. Also, what a weird moment where she's like, don't you have any respect for women? You're supposed to marry me and then rape me.

You're not supposed to look at people who got paid to do what they want with their bodies. That's no way. No, what happened? I forgot. A porn killed my pal. Right, is that? But then Blake needs to one up his story by saying that his dad, it didn't destroy his family. His dad just left him a box of porn. That was it. His dad skipped out on him. And left him a box of porn.

Which I want to see that conversation between blake's dad and mom so you're leaving us in our child yeah i've got to go but here give this to Blake when he comes of age just a bunch of porn yeah yeah give it to him this is what i want him to have i don't want to grow not to lingerie magazines like i did come up yeah exactly and then next year's his my childhood was destroyed by porn story. And then Justin, we get a rare window into Justin's fucked up life because apparently his grandpa caught him, I'm sorry, his pop pop caught him watching porn on his laptop and then took the laptop outside and ran over it several times.

Right. And again, this is now the third, third Christian movie where a Christian's reaction to porn on a computer is to destroy the computer. The third film in which this is a technique employed and no one goes, hey man, you can just not watch porn on that thing. Every time someone's like, nope, got to kill it with a bat. Ha ha ha. I'm glad he just didn't stab out his eyes like fucking edipus.

Right. Ha ha ha. Nope, your eyes saw the porn. No way to get that out of there. Gosh. Ha ha ha ha. Here, use Nann Nann's broaches. And then, of course course something rattles somewhere off

screen so everyone screams repeatedly the the window like moves so I mean they might as well just have the person's hand in shot like shaking the window and everyone's like gay men and Jessica stays by the way everyone runs but just stays just curled up in the corner there because yeah well you know what are you gonna do? So I guess we'll just leave her there like all the heroes of this movie chose to at least for a couple of minutes Well, we take a much deserved break, but before we do let me give act three the hard sell here Will porn's family destroying massacre continue?

Well, we spend yet more extremely long periods of this movie watching these characters walk down the same hallways again Well, any single moment in this movie be sane find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for Act 3 of the Lock-in. As bad as this movie was, its single redeeming quality might just have made watching it worthwhile. And that element of course is the character of Nick's mom. With gems of dialogue like, will there be a boy's Anna girls' bathroom? And what's a lock-in? We couldn't help but wonder what it might have been like to have her present in other films. So without further ado, we'd like to present Nick's mom in film history.

The Godfather. Michael, is it true? Don't ask me about my business, Kate. Is it true? Don't ask me about my business, Kate. Is it true? Alright, just one time, this one time, I'll let you ask me about my fares. Is it true? No.

What's a hat? I'm sorry, what? What's a hat? Will there be hats there? Where? You're confusing me now. I don't know- Sometimes I hide inside a deer and wait for Christmas.

BEEP Gone with the wind. Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn. Don't walk out that door. What's the door? Have you prayed about this? Don't touch me, you'll get me pregnant, Niki! Fuck, Jesus, okay, okay. I'm going to leave. Let go of my arm. I have the right to be a bear and finally another Christian film

God's not dead. I'm sorry professor. I can't do that. I'm a Christian You have terrible dementia. I made a poop warms blousing some dare you you have terrible dementia I made a poop orbs Is your porn possessed by demons well then try anti-psychotics because you're fucking crazy Satan I just I just got your plan about the dirty magazine cursing and I had a few questions. Go ahead. Alright, so the plan is for you to have Brian possess an issue of jugs and then hide in a dumpster so that teenagers will find it. Yeah, Brian's an excellent demon. I mean, he does great work.

Doesn't does fantastic work. Yeah, okay, so here's the problem. Uh, he, They found it. Fantastic. Now, when they get into the lock-in center, we shall make everyone else disappear. And then, when they try to open the... Yeah, but they're just jerking off to it. Sorry, they didn't try to like burn it or run away.

No, no, they got the magazine, but all they're doing is jerking off. Brian's still trapped in there. He's just been watching these teenagers jerk off seriously for four days. He's not having a good time here. Oh, wow. Can we like get him on the phone? Oh, sure, yeah.

He's been calling for the last couple of days. Pretty much non-stop. Hold on, I'll connect him now. Oh, God. Brian, you there, bud? How's it going? Jesus fucking Christ, these'll connect him now. Uh, oh god. Brian, you there, bud? How's it going? Jesus fucking Christ, these kids don't stop. Use some lotion.

This is terrifying. I moved to trash can and they didn't even notice. Ah! Ah! Oh wow. Wow, Brian, Brian, buddy, I am so sorry. I did not think it would go down like this. Why don't you come on home?

I am so sorry. i am never doing this again ever never ever totally man would would just like have your haunted graveyard or something for the next couple thousand years re this is my back i'm in a graveyard that's where they keep jerking off and we're back when we last saw our heroes they were screaming maniacally at the fact that blinds had rattled. Now, apparently at some point after that, they all fell asleep sitting up in a kitchen, a fact that we're made aware of through the magic of demon cam. Demon cam! Listen, if the porno confessional wasn't a weird enough part of this movie for you, then the part of this movie where the devil

picks up the camera and just films all of the kids while they sleep is my second favorite And it's a very long scene. Oh, it's Three solid minutes of him just getting close to each kid's face being like this one's Blake That's Jessica Look at them all tuckered out There's Justin There's Justin Yeah, I want to see the security camera footage from that of just a demon holding the camera on a tripod just like

Beatin off on them and they're sleep or something. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so we get four minutes of that and then the movie just cuts back in with the audio of Jessica going, I think it was Genesis, guys. Right. Basically, she's like, guys, we need to save Genesis and everyone else in the movie is like no she's fine

So they go and they chase after Genesis and Blake has a moment where he turns oh no Jessica has a moment where he turns and he goes she goes guys This is so scary and I expected to just go aren't you scared audience be scared this is scary movie Right, and then we get this very weird moment where like Something's going on, but they didn't put the camera in the right spot for us to know Exactly, and I think we're supposed to I mean I think we're supposed to see what's going on I think they're acting something out, but it's just slightly off camera were supposed to see what's going on. I think they're acting something out,

but it's just slightly off camera. So all we see is that there's a door and Jessica's screaming and everyone's freaking out. Yeah, and then we never see Jessica again. No, so yeah, Jessica's getting, Jessica gets eaten by a door. I guess. Now, so they run and they hide in this closet now

that Jessica's gone, and they actually, they turn the camera off, but leave the audio on on or whatever so like literally for about 45 seconds we look at a black screen while these kids are breathing. Right I wrote in my notes nice black screen I'm gonna imagine a better movie on top of it. That would help and now we're moving towards the money shot of the film. Yeah so they decide against their better judgment to go and see if they can save Jessica from the door or whatever. So they come out of the closet and they're trying their damnedest to set up something,

you know, something's creepy. And so like Blake says, hey, what's that? And the camera pans in and it's a ball sitting on the ground. And I'm like, okay, nothing could be in less need of explanation. it's a ball sitting on the ground and I'm like okay nothing could be in less need of explanation it's a ball there's like a kids area right around here I'm unimpressed but apparently the characters in this movie need to know where the fuck that ball came from yeah exactly also it's weird because the I feel like I forget what the movie is there's a great horror movie where they use a ball really scarily and i can't remember where the ball bounces down the stairs and he throws it in the water

and then the ball bounces down stairs right i feel like they saw that movie and they were like you know what's scary balls like they didn't realize that it was about the ball coming down the thing they were just like no man people freak out at balls man people hate I'm shielded and so they wander off and they go into this room which by the way I don't know what the fuck I mean I don't know churches that well I can't even imagine what this room is used for if it's not summoning demons because there's just all kind of weird shit on the floor like like actors marks and shit and weird symbolism right pentagrams and fucking hopscotch boards yeah exactly so there's this kids sitting on the floor

and they go over and they touch them and they turn and the kid literally does that scare cam face thing that like try this puzzle see if you can solve the maze and then it's like it's a scary lady's face that's literally what happens to this kids face and then ever and then it is by the way it is the first time that something is happening in this movie which would cause me to scream and run away everything else been like door yeah so they they skid kids scare cam faces and they all run away now I should point out I want to point out two things about the sequence number one is that they found a really cute kid So like there was nothing at all creepy about this kid

You're just like oh this poor guy. He didn't know what he was getting into all the other actors in this had to know how bad it was He didn't and then he like makes his evil face and they put like a filter on it to make him look like a demon or whatever But the filter like the face that they're putting on the kid doesn't fit on the kid. So if you watch this scene carefully, and not all that carefully, you'll see that there's a region way outside of the kid's face where this filter is still being applied. Right. Where there's also demon face. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So for bad effects, these were bad effects. And as they run away, Blake goes, how did that happen to his face? And I wrote my notes after effects. That's what I was talking about. That's really easy.

It's just drag-filled. I'll explain it later. Yeah, and then they run to hide in the pastor's office, where I was kind of hoping they were going to find his massive porn stash, but they don't. Right. Instead, they find footage of an interview that he's done in the past at some point. And so, if you're wondering, hey, are we going to watch found footage of found footage? Oh, yes we are.

This is the inception of terrible found footage movies. We're going to watch terrible found footage inside other terrible found footage. Yes. You're welcome. Yes. Inside other terrible found footage. Yeah, you're welcome. Yes So apparently they have this image of the pastor Interviewing a guy about his porn addiction now I want you to think about this for a second We're talking about a guy who is going to see his pastor for counseling about something. He's embarrassed about

And the pastor is filming it. I guess we're supposed to think it's for some purpose other than beating off to it later. Right and he goes we're gonna film this and I wanted so much for the character to go no no no not okay for you to film this that's why that's why I did this secretly so that you wouldn't have film of this film would be the opposite of what I want in this situation. Exactly. We're going to have you do this in front of everybody. No, no, no, that's why I'm in this room alone. I want to save this for posterity. Now, we get this guy and he's supposed to be confessing to the horrors of his pornography addiction, I guess. And this is the funniest goddamn dialogue.

He's going like, well, it's stepped up in terms of the intensity. And I'm like, you some lotion, loosen your grip, you'll be fine. Yeah, exactly. Getting in my head, I'm like, oh, he's getting into weirder stuff. And let me say, that's great.

That's a great time in your porn experience when you're, you know, you're too in and nobody's coming home for another hour. And you're're like maybe I'm into this thing and you find out you are and then that's the more. But that's that I listen I sympathize with this guy where you click on the video that oh I would never like this and then you're like oh man I'm into that well now I learned that about me I get I sympathize with this character and then he's figuring some stuff out he went down the rabbit hole of the porn website and I understand I

Understand him and I sympathize listen none of us think we're ever gonna click on that thumbnail But the fourth or fifth time in he's still got another 25 minutes. I get it. I get it But but that's not what this is about no instead he says that he started to realize he was being watched by people. Well, or he was seeing stuff out of the corner of his eyes. Yeah, and I thought it first that he was just whacking it so hard. He was getting spots, which I'm like good good on you, dude. I'm good on you, man. Sit on your thumb.

Yeah, exactly. But, um, but no, and he's talking about like, oh, well, my wife caught me and she's threatening to leave me. I'm like, okay, well, that's her issue. You know, exactly what I wrote. I wrote, it seems like her issue, bro. Yeah. Right.

Um, and he also says at one point, talking about his porn addiction, I should, you not. I don't know how to beat this thing, pastor. And I so wanted Chris to move around to the front of the camera and say, let me show you how to beat this thing pastor and I so wanted Chris to move around to the front of the camera and say let me show you how to beat this thing man. Let me show you how to beat this thing. He says sometimes I want it more than my salvation and I'm like oh wow you want an orgasm more than something that doesn't exist must be something wrong with you. Yeah exactly you're broken. This real thing is so much more tempting than this playing pretend we do once a week.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I also love, because when he says, like, you know, the house is different. I see things out of the corner of my eyes. Pastor Chris is immediate response is, what kind of things? People's spirits? Like, really, that's where your mind went immediately. Right. People's spirits. Like really that's where your mind went immediately.

Right. People in spirits. Yeah, you watch just people watching you jerk off. Is that what's going on? And listen, I don't know about you, but I've been caught jerking off a bunch of times. And it never bothered me. I'm just always like, yeah, well, you shouldn't have looked into your own window. That's not nothing to it me. Don't deliver the mail at 12 p.m. on a Tuesday. If you shouldn't have looked into your own window. That's not another thing to do with me. Don't deliver the mail at 12 p.m. on a Tuesday, if you don't want to see me jerking off, man. I like a nice lit room when I'm doing it. That's on you.

You didn't have to go to this 7-11, bro. Exactly. And then we get the guy who's doing the interview. Apparently they realized, oh, this scene is really boring. So then they made him do the demon growly face thing at the end, too. Well, first he's crying. He's like sobbing with remorse.

And then he's possessed and goes, like, does the, again, the scary face thing where he goes, like, ah, into the camera. And that's the end of the meta found footage found footage Right, yes, and then we move back into the regular found footage as the kids react to what they've just seen Right at which point they find the Bible and they give us the broeist version of Jesus talking to the guy when he's possessed It's like so this this, hey guys, I found this part where this bro was possessed and Jesus was like, whoa! And the bro was like, no! And the bro was like,

grawl! And the Jesus was like, grawl! And I want to point out too that the part of the Bible they're talking about, this is the part of the Bible where God, where Jesus meets a naked dude in a graveyard and then sends thousands of demons out of him into a herd of pigs and then murders the pigs. Like, that's the part of the Bible that they're talking about. That's like the key moment in the movie is they're like, oh, I just read this part of the Bible that makes perfect sense in this context. Guys, did you see all those pigs outside of the lock-in earlier?

I think I've got an idea. Oh, what a great angting to this movie that would be. Oh where's that ending? Just Blake with a sithe just picking his way through. They just covered in blood and walked back into the lock-in. Don't worry guys, I'll pick you. I fixed it out. Did you kill all the farmer Allison's pigs? Yes I did. Yes I did, but don't worry guys, I think he fixed it out. Did you kill all the farmer Allison's pigs? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. But don't worry first. I put demons in them. Oh shit. So yes, this is where they have to like, um, they have to go into this hole like a I think that Porto magazine belong to that guy and got possessed by a demon moment. i think that porto magazine belong to that guy and got possessed by a demon moment to which blake says

oh come on man we're in a church how does a demon get into a church yeah there's the logical whole in your theory uh... well i'd be fair though i actually thought i was pretty valid it if the mythology of this movie is correct and they're surrounded by the crucifixes in holy water and bad symbols and whatever the fuck else christians have to fight off demons shouldn't the demons have been upset shouldn't they have not been able to entirely take over for church

make a pastor and all of its christians vanish just because kids brought in a dirty mac you would think and well yeah i mean i had to write down in my notes. Yeah, cuz the kids like well if demons can possess people Why couldn't they possess a porn omega-z and I'm like he's right this Exactly as much logical sense the laws as the rest of your religion, so I guess I guess sure why not I can't be like well that part is silly Right demons and people I all by but demons in paper that's crazy talk also he says how do we undo it and I wanted so bad for somebody

to say we have to put the come back in our dicks yeah Scott Walker runs in I caught it all don't worry here it is it's a baby I've been singing it a lollyby And then of course they hear a noise and like in every other moment in this movie when they hear a noise They have to go check it out right and this time it's even more innocuous because it's like what's that sound? It sounds like running water. Let's go check it out like what could be more normal than hearing running water in a building right? Exactly or in running water not just running water in a building right exactly or in running water Not just running water in a building running water in the place where there's water right? Well, yeah exactly so the again the the demon to freak people out Turned on the tub. Let's not first second. Let's reflect the thing that freaks them out at this point in the movie is that the demon

Turned on the tub. There's is that the demon turned on the tub. There's a tub the demon turned it on and they're like, how could that be? And I'm like, I don't know demon turned on the tub man. That so far the least you just saw a baby with a demon's face and you're like, oh my god, a tub. So they move back to the sexy baptismal and find out that it's turned on. They don't do anything about it. They don't turn it off. They don't say, hey, you know, I guess somebody probably turned this on. I wonder if there's somebody around here. They just walk by and go,

that's so weird. The water is turned on. So that thing is a quarter turned. Like it would be if you wanted to turn it on. Weird. So weird. Why do we need this scene? We don't oh Who the fuck knows because later on water, but anyways, yeah, so now we cut to the craziest part of this movie again This movie's been fun. This is the craziest. They are now drunk a pair of high Yeah, right because they're acting drunk

Uh-huh, and they they don't explain it It's not like they got into the fucking sacramental wine or anything yeah no they're just they've just gone mad apparently like that yeah I got it seeing the water in the thing was too much for them and now they're insane children so they're acting drunk or high and they have drawn their faces onto paper cups and are using them to reenact the night with a cup puppet show. Yes. It's like what?

Live in this moment. Live in this moment. I'm a 28 year old man, describing about a moment in a movie where everyone reenacts the actions in a horror movie with a cup puppet show. Yes. I wrote down, if nobody comes in one of those cups cops I'm gonna be pissed. Yeah, exactly.

And no one came in any of the cops. I am pissed. A good, a good, a good game of oaky cookie would have really made this movie. So, so not only that not only do they have a cut puppet show, but Blake gets pissed off at the cut puppet show for whatever reason. And my, I have a theory. I think that Blake got pissed off with this movie and left and just kept the footage and made it seem like it was him getting eaten by, because he's like, this is fucking stupid. This is stupid. We're leaving.

And he leaves. And I guarantee you, they just cut out the part where he was like, this is a stupid movie. This is a stupid idea. You can't use any of the footage with me in it I don't care that I signed the waiver so um and that's Blake's exit from the movie and we never see but well we see Blake again but we never but Blake is now gone yep and they don't look for him or anything, he's just gone, so they run and hide some more. Right, they run and hide some more. And then Nick takes the camera to the same room and has a Walter White confession.

Yes, exactly. But Justin's in that room. It's not like Justin's in a different room at that point in the movie. So we're supposed to believe that Nick just took the camera into the other corner of the closet and was like, hey Justin, just once I'm going to deliver a final message in case the demon eats me to my parents. Hey mom and dad, it's me. I see porn every day. And then he says into the camera and he goes, if anyone sees this, please take this as

an example. And I said, yeah, use this movie as an example. That's like people using Blair Witch Project as an excuse not to go hiking. Right. He goes, don't mess around with this stuff. It's not harmless. And then I wrote, unless demons can't possess

today magazines, in which case it's definitely harmless. Right, exactly. I love that, but the movie takes a moment to be like, take this movie seriously this really happens It's like no it didn't so no I won't So then we get the buddy buddy where the last two men standing and neither of us is black So we don't know which is gonna die next moment right and this is this is more melodramatic This is like all hope is lost, but it's a titty magazine,

and nobody else cares. Right, exactly. And it's really bad fake crying, like, because they're all, they're supposed to be like, oh, no, no, no, it's terrible. It's like, in a certain point, you're just like, hey guys, you could have brought in some onions, or something. You know, it's not like anything.

Right, yeah, anything. It's not like anything. You needed needed to start crying mid-scene and emotional response to something that's happening The camera's just cutting off like turning on and they're crying and filming themselves crying for some reason Whatever but like yeah, there are there are ways to go with this. I would have been happy to kick you guys in the nuts Exactly, I would have happily pulled hairs out of your leg until you were crying exactly Exactly I would have happily pulled hairs out of your leg until you were crying exactly And this point we get they turn on their Halloween ghost tape which just has scary sounds on it and Literally the first sound that they hear is I kid you not a T-Rex sound effects It is very clearly like

And I was like oh so there's a T-Rex in the church Apparently, yeah, it's like lay down the it's because I own that ghost tape. I work in haunted houses I own that tape. I knew what sounds were coming next. I was like now. It's gonna have the running children Now it's gonna have the screaming woman and God And then apparently Nick disappears as well. Nick disappears.

This movie's so lazy that they didn't even bother to kill Nick off as a character. No, Blake, maybe he gets eaten by a demon. Jackie, she gets eaten by a door, but Nick, he's just gone. They can have the time. They ran into tape. Nick's gone. Go fuck yourself.

So, and now, again, we have to imagine that this kid like wakes up in this dark closet or whatever, and his first instinct is to turn on his camera so that we can get this audio, and then go, hey, Nick. Nick, where are you, Nick? Nick, are you there? Nick, hey, Nick. I'm sitting right next to you if you're still here, so you definitely hear this, Nick. Oh, I'll turn on the light on the camera and then yeah, Nick is gone. And apparently, okay, I guess we're supposed to be getting the impression that a lot of time has gone by here or something because now Justin is dying of thirst.

Yeah, he's walking through it, he comes across the baptismal pool from earlier that filled itself up and he all of a sudden goes water like a cartoon desert White Lee coyote stand up behind him. Yeah, like when you find something. Yeah, I'm like no Yeah, and then he jumps in the he's having a drink and then he falls in the pool and literally the cameras just sitting there And it could not more clearly just be this actor splashing around in a pool. There is no way I could have shot this to make it seem less scary and more like a teenage boy just being like, get off me!

Get off me! Water! Ooh, water! Is water? Oh no! And at this point in the movie, the most beautiful thing that you could possibly imagine happens. Yes. So the camera is on the ground and we can see to the right of the shot,

um, blank is being attacked by a water demon. And to the left of the shot is a hallway. And you very clearly see feet walk into the shot. Unpredictably. Unpredictably. This is not, this is not, can you see it? This is in the middle of the stop. It's takeably. This is not, this is not can you see it? This is in the middle of the shot. Stop.

Realize those feet are not supposed to be there and then creep backwards slowly. Like, no one will see. So either the person walking through their thought, oh fuck Justin's making his movie or even better, the person had through their thought, oh fuck, Justin's making his movie, or even better. The person had no fucking idea and just saw Justin fighting with himself in the goddamn baptismal.

Yeah, exactly. They were like, eh, it's church stuff. I like that option so much better. Yeah. This guy walked through and he's like, um, okay, Justin lost his fucking mind. I'm gonna back away. I'm gonna go down the other hallway. This one seems to be in use.

At which point, finally, someone in this movie thinks to invoke Jesus, which I got in it. If I were a Christian and even though I'm not, if I saw and heard demon stuff, my first thought would have been to invoke Jesus and start commanding stuff in Jesus name. Listen, I'm an atheist. I'm a hardcore atheist. But when a book falls off a shelf in my apartment, I just, for safety, look, I don't believe in vampires, but if a vampire showed up, I'd try the holy water and the crucifix just to be sure. Exactly. It's not like these kids are skeptical, and that's why they haven't been invoking Jesus. Exactly. So, yeah, so he stands there for a very long time, going, I can't do it, I need Jesus to come save me from this.

And it made me think of Bronson Pinsho in the scene and true romance, where he's in the elevator, and he's got the wire on. Anyway, this goes on for me. This movie reminds me a ton of true romance. Thank you for bringing it in. My notes are just full of comparisons to true romance. Well, there was a bathroom and running water in true moments. Well, there was a bathroom and running water and right in true

romance. I wanted a flash cut to Jesus in his fortress of solitude. Just being like, he hears the call and he gathers the fucking super friends to go fight a water demon. Fuck, man, you fight the water. Man's like finally, finally. Man you fight the water demon like finally finally Oh never mind. It's a demon. We don't need you Aquaman. Are you sure are you guys sure cuz I brought these fish from the I could talk to them This fish wants to go back in the water Aquaman poor guy what are you doing? I think they gave him super strength now at least though So he can handle the pressures underwater. So at least he's got something on it

Literally if you follow side note if you follow Aquaman comics the last 12 years of Aquaman Have just been the writers of Aquaman being like he's not useless because look now he can fight and also and also he can control waves. Remember that time he controlled the waves and he fucking he can fight. He's got damage. Can I write X-Men? No, you fucking stay on Aquaman. Oh shit. And so now we watch for like seven minutes as um, Justin Wanderers through the church rebuke and again like right it's not enough that we recognize that this happens we have to watch him walk through the entire church which really

reinforces and is it's an ad for this church theory uh... yet exactly all as i walk past this lovely portraiture and this free day care center and here you'll notice on the right hand side We have a learning center with video games and computers and free access get out of here devil And then we're back at the beginning of the movie or something or what the fuck ever So then we will he walks as he's screaming through the devil and by the way his screaming at the devil monologue Sounds like someone put a microphone in Rand Paul's bathroom

It's like you have no freedom here my rights as an American Christian freedom, Jesus It's like the it's like be audio from an episode of cops if you rated a libertarian convention That's what it sounds like just like my rhyme an independent citizen of the United Jesus. No, you're not a demon constitution. It's pretty pretty close. So but then he so he does it and then he walks into the church to the part of the movie where Chris is setting out the rules. And again, because no one in this movie cares about Justin, Justin who is soaking wet and screaming about demons, they're like, hey, look at that. Weird.

That's pretty much it. And the rest of the movie is demon, Justin going, you guys don't remember being eaten by demons But here's the weird thing if I had been video-taping the entire time me and no were hanging out and got attacked by dragons And then I went into the room and he didn't remember you know what I would do I would show him the fucking video tape and and apparently that doesn't occur to anyone involved in this movie that And apparently that doesn't occur to anyone involved in this movie. That we're supposed to be watching this video, right? So we know that the stuff that happened is supposed to have shown up on the fucking video. But no, he instead stands there for the longest time going, do you guys don't remember this part of the movie?

Well, what about this part of the movie? And sort of just reenacting the whole damn thing in memory palace the first yeah Exactly and the first thing he does to to try and jog their memory is not the demon child now the puppet show You guys don't remember the thing with the cups. I thought we really like oh yeah, that's what stuck with you the cups Not the child whose face stretched Not when a devil presented itself through a child's eyes, the puppet show. And they're trying to like, and so now that we're back in the car, they're driving home, and Nick is trying

to calm Justin down, and he says, and I quote, believe me when I say, take it easy. Yep, take it easy. How could you not believe that? That's not even a statement where that's an option. Yeah, believe me when I say take it easy and also sip a Capri sun, man. It's a Capri sun. It's sippy time. It's sippy time. I can't stand the pouch. Guys, I used to just cut it open with the scissors. It's important to a glass. They still haven't figured this. Yeah exactly.

That's what I did. That's what Baby Eli did. He just cut open the pouch and poured it into a glass. That's the way to go. So yeah, Justin apparently doesn't remember that he was holding a camera this whole time. So he gets out of the car. He goes home and he sets the camera down and then just walks out of the room. For long enough that we actually kind of wonder if he's coming back i wrote in my notes something's gonna happen right oh god he left the camera on and we're gonna be here forever we're just gonna watch just and live his life now i'm woody from toy story i just have to watch just and live the rest of his life

uh... but instead no he re he shows back up with a trash bag to throw away his massive analog porn stash. It is massive. It is also not porn. It is very clearly if you, I paused it. It is very clearly a vogue magazine. And as I mentioned earlier, a Martha Stewart living. Oh, really?

Yep. You can see a very clearly Martha the words Martha why was he jerking off to Martha Stewart living because she's a sexy sexy bitch his thing is insider trading guys don't judge him I so wanted though because like you supposed to be throwing away all his porno's I so wanted to start pulling out like butt plugs and inflatables and a sibian with a fucking pole start motor a flesh light with fangs. Yeah Damn Justin But unfortunately it's a weird shit and trash. Yeah, exactly

You see why they threw it away though, and then we just watch his his room for a very long moment after he throws it away And then he turns the camera off so he can beat off I guess yeah now uh... and by the way uh... worth noting there are no credits in this movie and i that didn't surprise me at all i can't i'm not surprised that no one wanted their name associated with the oh i just assume because no one made this movie i assume they didn't have anyone who they could credit this movie to

uh... said well but see now this is this is what i was wondering at the end of it okay i I assume they didn't have anyone who they could credit this movie too So well, but see now this is this is what I was wondering at the end of it Okay, I was thinking to myself like what if like this all really happened and this is all real found footage I mean it would be like like the chick in the Douglas Adams book that got abducted by really thinky looking aliens right Can you imagine if there really was this porn demon and they really have that, no, we have video footage and the whole fucking thing guy. Who's in that rocking chair? And that's probably why we can't find it anywhere.

Right. So tell me Eli, what if anything, did you learn from watching the lock-in? Well, I learned a couple of things and they're really valuable. The first is that if you're watching porn, you're probably watching chris's daughter so just be aware

most porn contains chris's daughter she's done a lot of films at this point and you got a sample l jackson of porn yeah you got to support your artist uh... the second thing i learned is that don't let a beginner demon go into your church lock in alright you want one of your more advanced guys because a beginner demon is just going to lock all the cupboards and shake some window shades and then the minute someone says Jesus's name just run away and set time back in. You need a nice high quality demon. And finally to avoid the how many stars question I ask you how bad would the demonic curse on your porn have to be before you would choose to watch this movie instead. Now you kind of have to know my internet history for this one, but the curse would have to be for all the stuff in my porn to happen to me.

And then I would watch this movie and I would watch this movie several times guys you do not want to see my internet history And eat help this is a cry for help this whole podcast just I've been trying to have been building up to this moment I Get some deep web shit going on some deep That tour network spits it out. I've tried to look for it on the tour network and they're like get out of here gross You need help. See you doctor. Oh, it could be worse. I was beaten off to this movie. And well, that's gonna do it for our review of the lock-in

that isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you all fired up button next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Redeemed. Which is apparently the story of a platonic affair. Yeah, it's it so according to the trailer, this is a movie. It's a family drama about a guy who runs a internet security firm. Uh-huh. And or something. I don't know. Everyone's just hitting keyboards like 1980s hackers.

Yes. But he runs an and then he has an affair by liking another woman. Now, according to the preview, and I could be wrong, maybe he actually fucks someone, which would be sort of a real plot, but according to the preview, he just wants to fuck another woman, and that is the conflict of this movie.

Yeah, twice in the preview, the Jesus line about, if you look at a woman with lust, you've already committed an affair with her shows up twice, which I guess they think mean something other than, you might as well fuck her. Right. You might have more importantly, you might as well have fucked her. Right.

Everyone in this movie is reacting to him liking another woman, like he fucked another woman. This is like a normal movie. This is like a normal movie about affairs except nothing happened. Yeah, that's what it seems to be setting up. Yeah, but it seems to be a movie about the Jigalo husband from married with children wanting to fuck a Brazilian chick more than he wants to fuck his wife, which I mean I saw the woman playing his wife in the woman playing the Brazilian check and like we all do. So apparently, I've also committed an affair with that Brazilian check.

Right. The alternate title for this film is Who Could Blame You? Right, exactly, exactly. And with all that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 10 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash GodWaffle and thereby earn early access to an extended version of every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic are available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email GodawfulMoviesatGmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of

Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here here more by following the links on the show notes to this episode, thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Eli Bosnik, I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you, you motherfucking cock, suckin' fuck you.