God Awful Movies - 101: GAM101 The Mark

Episode Date: July 25, 2017

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath team up for an atheist review of The Mark; the story of a reluctant super soldier... no wait, an airplane heist... no wait, the rapture... no wait, an airplane that can't go below 3000 feet... no wait, the antichrist. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

The Minister stops him and says, hey, just in case you hadn't figured this out yet from the cover art and everything, that ship inside you is the mark of the beast. He stands up because I know this sounds crazy and I wanted him to be like, but I have a lot of plastic silverware in my butt right now. All of my butt. There is no plastic silverware anywhere on this plane, but inside me. Alright, have a good time throwing that bomb at the plane. Shit. Not awful. Movie.

Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be And he then write heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what movie would have been great if they had a much smaller budget. What's that left behind with Nick Cage? That would have been, that would have been excellent. And civic 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty fantastic. I don't know if you guys got this opportunity, but I actually watched 98 movies, not one. There were 98 separate short films, all starring a forehead and the avatar of the god

of old country buffet. So it was really a good time. I had them down as CrossFit Seth Rogan, but yeah, we'll get there. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the mark. It's the story of some guy who watched left behind with Kurt Cameron and said to himself, you know what movie would have been great if they had much smaller budget that was.

We made the same thing, but not so, you know, ostentatious on the production end. And Eli, we've already hinted at this, but how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Air Force one, 12 monkeys left behind die hard, roadhouse buffets, heart disease, Eric Roberts, random characters who appear to deliver dialogue and then instantly die, Cox, you will hate this movie. You will hate this movie. It's a terrible movie. That would make you love this one.

This movie is the five year old cooking version of a movie. You said, not only chocolate chips, I love tacos. So I made chocolate chip tacos. And you guys would be like, young. Heath gets it. Heath gets it. I'm tacos. So I mean chocolate chip tacos. And you guys are like, young. Keith gets it. He gets it. I'm not. Thank you.

I mean, sounds good. You remember why wouldn't you want to talk? Whatever, this is a bad example, but I guess you're saying. I'm not having this fight on air. Yeah. So, all right. So before we get into the movie itself, I want to talk a little bit about the movie poster.

Right. I have never gotten more little bit about the movie poster, right? I have never gotten more excited by a movie poster in any film that we've ever done. When anyone cared to describe the poster for the listeners at home, it's a plane that appears to be flying out of a UPC code. So the name of the movie again is the mark and that's of course the mark of the beast, but on the front of the poster is just a giant UPC symbol. Now are you guys both familiar with the 666 UPC conspiracy? Absolutely. I learned recently that Hobby Lobby still won't use YouTube because they're fucking crazy.

Right, right, because of this exact dumb shit. So for those of you who aren't familiar with this one, maybe, you know, you didn't grow up in Georgia. Congratulations on that. But I used to get these pamphlets all the time showing me how UPC symbols have a secret six, six, six in them because the symbol for six and six in the UPC, I think it's the UPC a code or whatever is two thin lines with a white line to the left and the guidelines, right? If the beginning and middle and whatever is too thin lines with a white line to the left and the guidelines, right, the beginning and middle and end are too thin lines without that other line to

the left. So if they look similar, it kind of looks like there's a six six six on all of them, which has a lot of Christians obviously freaking a fuck out. And it's sort of a staple of these weird Christian Satan apocalypse conspiracy theories, but I've never seen it in a film before. We've watched so many of these movies and I've never really seen a direct reference to it in one of these movies. So I'm glad to know that they were doing their homework on info wars for this one.

Oh, yeah, them and the president of the United States, similar. All right. So I'm sorry. That's just like a weird like thing I love the bizarnas of these conspiracy theories. So sorry for the tangent. Does there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to say best worst bad guys taking a time out. After actor, the bad guys just stop doing their multi million dollar bad guy plot for no reason. But they don't leave the setting of the movie. They just like mill around doing this movie changes what it is about and what the conflict is in the last 20 minutes, a solid five times. A solid five times this movie is like, it's about a bum. We can't go below the height.

No, now I'm the bad guy. Shit. We've got to make these burritos in time for, keep the, the movie seems not to be aware of what it was about at any time. It's like Scott Adams talking. Is the Scott Adams talking the movie? Holy shit. Adam's talking is the Adam's talking the movie. Oh, shit.

I want to nominate this for best worst fake gun noises that there are only a couple throughout the movie, but there is not a single gun noise in this movie that is not. Poo. Yeah, right. Somebody just standing off string on blam. Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, Blam, And that actually relates to my best worst, which is best worst surprise fat guy. Oh my God. I can't.

I really could spend the next hundred episodes of our show just breaking down this guy's performer. Yes. How he appears in the movie, the things he does, the things he says, I will never be okay because this movie was just like, yeah, that's the movie we're going to send out into the world. You don't think anyone will have, that's the movie we're going to send out into the world. You don't think anyone will have. It's the greatest.

It is the greatest because there's a thing and I found this a lot with our show. Whenever I'm not looking forward to a movie, whenever I'm like, oh, here we go, another one of those, something like this happens and it brings me right back in the sky. Surprise fat guy was this for me. I don't want to spoil anything, but. Oh, well, just, okay, so just to give you a little context here, two thirds of the way through this movie in the middle of a fight scene, some gigantic sweaty fat guy just jumps into the movie from that point on for at least the next 15, 18 minutes. He is a main character

of the movie and then he disappears again. I wouldn't say jumps. I wouldn't say jumps. He is the vertical. The vertical is zero, but he shows up. Yes, thank you. Shows up and instantly knows karate. I can't do it. We'll talk about it.

We'll ramp you up to that one. All right. Well, the longer we spend on the intro, the longer before I can purge this dumbass movie for my brain. So we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back back we'll dig into all the loosely stitched together action movie tropes that are the mark Hey folks, are you an evil mastermind trying to control the world with microchips? Can't seem to find the help you need? Well, why not try zippercrooter.com

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Just go to zippercruder.com slash God Awful Movies. I was tired of expensive ads just sitting there hoping for someone with uranium to answer my post. With Zippercruder, I posted for free and found someone fast. That's zippercruder.com slashuder com slash god awful movies not just for super villains Did you find everything okay today? Yep, all set great and will you be using cash or mark today? Mark, please. Fantastic. Just hold your hand over the sensor.

No, sorry, keep it. You have to keep it over the sensor, sir. Oh, sorry. Okay, sorry, give me one second. I just got to cancel. Okay, great. Hold it over the sensor. Just over, okay.

Okay. Can I move now? No, sorry. Leave it on there. Is this credit or debit? Mark pay? Oh, we don't do Mark pay. What? I thought you said Mark was an option. Yeah. Yeah. No, the reader says Mark, but the reader only does credit or debit. Oh, okay. I'm credit then, I guess. Okay, great. And just enter your pen on the pad there. Well, no, I said credit.

Oh, sorry. Oh, it's fine. Oh, no, no, you can't move your hand. How can I enter my pen without moving my hand? Sorry, let me just cancel this and we'll start over. This was totally not worth selling my soul. This is just a weird, keep your hands. So I start technology. I got a forehead and this never happens.

And we're back for the breakdown. And this movie is gonna start with Revelation 13-1. That's the behold the dragon stood at the shores and I'm like, hell yeah, my kind of Christian movie guys. Don't shy away from the crazy shit. I'm still waiting to see when a guy's divine eyeball covered sick of fant monsters brought to the silver screen. That's how it starts. Remember the multilingual cracking from the end of the Bible. Good. Us too. And movie stuff. That won't be related.

No, not really. No. It's just on the plane. Sir, you can't fit your tentacle in the overhead. You're going to have to put it in front of your gym. No, no, no, bro. I know you speak multiple languages, sir. All right.

So this will be, I think, sir. All right. So this will be, I think, the fastest fucking start we've ever gotten in a Christian movie, right? So within 90 seconds, there's a boat full of ninjas with machine guns. So we're going to start things off in Bangkok. And there are a couple of mercenaries on a couple of cargo containers. And they're walking around like Koopa Troopers. They're like, going back, stopping, going back.

So weird setup for like security, what each, each container gets one guy. They're like, no, no, we're going to have three on the front one and then like one behind that and leave the rest. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean the front one? Like stage front, stage front. We're to guard stage front, obviously.

So and this is where we're going to meet our main character. He's one of the soldiers that's guarding this, this set up here. And he jumps on the radio real quick early on to say, all right, everything's secure, but I just want to go on the record saying, I'm a good guy, and this is a bad guy thing, dammit. And can we talk about the looks of this main character? Oh, he looks like the guy on a CNN panel that's on the pro fucking your car side. Well, we've got an automotive guy from MIT and the main character of this movie. It feels good, dammit. They don't feel nothing. All right, well, we've got an automotive guy from MIT and the main character of this movie. It feels good, damn it.

They don't feel nothing. All right. Well, yeah, he looks like evil universe Tom from Cogdis. I mean, to be fair, Tom looks like evil universe Tom from Cogdis. Yeah, he's good universe Tom. Yeah, exactly. So all right. So yeah, he's wandering around and

in the cargo container, apparently, there are bad guys preparing for evil chip surgery. Yeah. Don't really get why that's happening there. No, especially when we're going to learn in a moment that this company has a hospital in this town. They do. They do. It's true. And for some reason, the background noise during this operation is that plasma ball from the science museum. There's like a whale.

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, so quick thing. Why do the security guards have elbow pads and knee pads? What? What's happening? I thought they were going to start roller-related through cones on top of the containers, all of a sudden, a weird pick. That's only when you get to

the third level that they got there. They're all. They've been so exciting. So and now it's time for ninjas on a boat. All of a sudden, a boat full of ninjas shows up and there are explosions everywhere. And let me just help people out who are like, Hey, guys, guide me through the plot. Who are these ninjas? Who are they attacking? Everyone is on the same side and everyone is attacking each other. You can go fuck yourself. They're ninjas, but they appear to be from the same company that will later be on its own side and attacking itself later in the room. So this fuck even knows. Yeah. So yeah, so we get a couple of explosions, at least two of them are the same explosion twice

and not even from different angles. So that was a bit lazy, but hey, you know what? Blow some shit up. No, no near as lazy as the shot they'll reuse for the rest of the movie. We'll get there. There's an airplane at this, whatever. We'll get there. So at one point, this guy who's going to become

main character, he's security guard here. He jumps off his cargo container. Oh my God. And the, the, the ridiculous cut to his landing is amazing. He, like, he's supposed to, like, be, you know, like parkour and, like, be fine and jump off the thing, but it's so awk. It might as well cut to, like carry strug sticking the landing on the vault in 90 seconds. It is so bad. Yeah, no, it was leap level park. We're here. I mean, because like, were they unable to find a stunt man that could do that?

Or did the stunt man break his legs when he landed here? The stunt man did not stick the landing like Harry struck in 96. Exactly. So yeah, we have the whole, you know, can the doctor chip in the chip in time and they need more time, dammit with their test subject or the chip won't work. Now, apparently it's perfectly fine to just inject the fuck out of the first guy you see when you walk out. He doesn't have to have more time or anything. But yeah, so that's the plot of the movie. The guy who was standing guard was the last man standing. So he wound up with the evil chip in him.

After the gunfight that looks like a bachelor party took acid and went paintballing together, makes no sense. That sounds really fun. That sounds really fun. Yeah, I mean, these guys looked like they were having fun. They were like, we gunpile. That sounds stupid. That sounds better than poker and an Irish bar that you go to all the time.

Sounds really nice. It's okay. The people who planned that don't listen to our shows. Glad, glad someone did that for them. You guys looking forward to his birthday too. It involves a gun gun and similar tone. And now we get the credits. Okay, we've had three explosions, a gun fight, and a boat full of ninjas. Now it's time for the credits. And this is going to be the credits are going to come over news of the financial meltdown

mixed with crazy Christian nonsense radio talk. But it's like they're trying to do like a YouTube video takedown because it's like the stock market is crashing because there are less Christians. Yeah, right. Because the Christians are not being Christian enough. That's the financial crisis of 2008 explained in this movie. Yeah. No, the news is even saying that like there are very many Christians now are there and the finances are not good at the moment. So it's a break

into the guys who made this movie. Um, Barack Obama, the savior. Yeah. Probably not what they think. So yeah. So basically we get the whole damn apocalypse in the credits. Mm hmm. And, and that's followed up by the last couple of things where it talks about, oh, and also a chip or your skin. It's the newest, it's the latest, it's the greatest. It's made by Avanti is the name of the company. And why would that solve a global financial crisis? Why would credit cards be in your arm instead of your wallet? change the housing credit. What the fuck are they talking about? The movie will never make any effort to explain that.

Well, you see, if you add up all the time, people just wait at the pin machine. With your car just sitting in there, and that's a whole new economy just there. Productivity sky rockets. Yeah. No, okay. All right. No, that makes sense. But we should point that out and kind of dwell on that. At least for a second, otherwise it's going to confuse the listeners. Well, it's going to confuse the listeners one way or the other, but at least we should be upfront about that.

This whole movie is about a chip that gets injected into this guy's arm that will solve all the world's problems. We will never know what that chip does or how it solves the world, world problems. They'll reference those, those sort of like, make you think that maybe this guy got super powers from it, but he did nothing. Constantly. They constantly say throughout this movie, like, what does this made me some kind of Superman and Eric Roberts is always like, yep.

And I'm like, really? Man, does a Superman's face look like that? Ha, ha, ha, yep. And I'm like, really? Superman's face look like that. Just Superman's face look like he's trying to eat his way through a shellfish allergy. I'm just trying to figure Superman have the power of whoop. Is that one of his powers? Who the fuck knows? So, okay. So now we open the movie proper at Avanti headquarters. This is a location in Bangkok. So secret that not even the movie knows where the fuck it is, right? On disclosed location, Bangkok. You just said Bangkok.

It's fine. So yeah, but, but again, and this now, this is where our main character is going to wake up in a hospital that is owned by this corporation that has injected him with this chip, right? I think that is the plot. All right. Why would they not, I mean, in a big, well lit building like this, you would see ninjas coming way earlier. I feel like this was the place. If you have this place available to you to do the injection, right? Uh, I don't know Bangkok hospital, dirty storage container, dirty storage container, hospital and bank

pocket. For me, it's, well, you can't get there by boat is one of, say, you can't get a boat and ninjas onto the 15th floor of this building. This movie would have figured it out. It's just flying in. Yeah, right. Indiana Jones style from Temple of Doom. Yeah.

All right. One guy when the inflatable dingy just bounces back off the window. Oh, I didn't think that through. He did a heavier metal one. And. And all right. So as our main character is recovering in walks, Eric Roberts just hungry for some scenery to chew. So now we have to like just recognize that Eric Roberts is in on the whole Christian thing, right? Like for, for a few years, at least on this show, I sort of thought to myself, you know, maybe he just, maybe he just needs the work, but he's been in enough Christian movies now. We got to let him go. He's there now. I, I, I will say like if you look at his IMD be page, he's got like 1600 credits just

for 2017. So there's a very Nick cagey. I'll do anything for money thing going on here, too. So it may not be that. Oh, did he run out of drugs? Might it might also be in drugs. Yeah, he never run out of drugs. The no illusion story. So Eric Roberts is standing over the recovering soldier and this is, it's time for this soldier

to have the first of many, many flashbacks. Oh, I'm sorry. First time of many that he will have the same flashback. Exactly. And this one's two, what appears to be a grinder date. Just like you try to fucking Asian guy if you're in Thailand, it's a white guy in this one, whatever. It's not a big deal. Racist.

No, that's positive. I'm saying, if I went to Thailand, I would like to fucking age that that's that that saw it out of white guy in Thailand. Okay, he's a racist. I'm not racist. I like it. No, you can always tell the not racist, like the guys who like constantly defend themselves against that accusation, even when it wasn't really made. That level it all the time. Some people just have to come out and explain things. Yeah, you come out ahead. Exactly. So, but it's not it's his brother. It turns out it's not a grinder date. A lot of chemistry with his brother, though, which is weird. And we learned this because they do the cl- and this is a movie thing, not just a Christian movie thing, the like,

let me tell you, little brother who has been my brother since birth. And I just want to start doing that with people in my life so that movies make sense again. Heath, my podcast partner. It's going on. Partner, podcast. Stop occasionally my wife sum up the plot. You know, I'll just start with lunch.

Your role here is podcast partner. Perfect. So yeah, so his brother is here giving him like is everything happens for a reason, wisdom, but our main character has lost his faith because of the war. You see now we will get this flashback again and again and again and again and they'll, they won't add detail until the very end, but they'll add bullshit every time. But at this point, we cut that short so he can wake up breathing into a late text whoopie cushion for some reason. I wrote it. He has one of those airline bags attached to his oxygen. The bag may not inflate or it gets all weird and puffy like this one. Don't freak out. This is really just for you to go to sleep while you die in this plane. Just, yeah, this go. There is a real thing where there would be a bag there,

but there would also be a line of oxygen going into that bag. Otherwise, that would be really stupid and you just immediately suffocate, I would imagine. I don't know. He was hyperventilating when he came in. I don't know. Yeah. So you got to swap out the bags very quickly. He didn't swap the bag. So he wakes up to Eric Roberts. You could do worse. And this is the first time I really got a sense of the gravelly Batman voice that this

actor had chosen to use. Yep, pretty great. And we learned this when he realizes that the chip was injected in him and asks Eric Roberts, so what am I? Superman? You know, the first thing you would think when you had a thing injected in you that it made you stronger. All right, so I'm just going to give you this quick vitamin shot.

So what am I like? Superman now I could read mine. I could ship myself a no one will know. Well, you're saying you're second thing. Yeah. So that's like everybody if you want whatever you can make. Shoot yourself. If you're listening to this podcast right now, shoot yourself and see who notices.

I'll tell you who your real friends are. Yeah, who's the real fans in this show? Yes. We did one more episode than we promised you. Come on, you want us? And if you're on the subway, point it here and be like, God awful movies, check it out.

Check it out. Do a little ad for us. Appreciate it. Did the podcast make you do that? Yeah, but yeah, check it out. Check it out. Do a little ad for us. Appreciate it. Did the podcast make you do that? Yeah, but it's fun. It was three guys. They just improvise.

It's wacky. So Eric. Yes. So getting back on script, Eric Roberts needs him to go to the G-twent. He is now forever linked to this chip. In a way that will they won't even try. They won't even know. No, no, they try. They don't fail. Mr. Pretty sure they pretty scientifically soundly later in the movie. I hate to argue here, but we're going to find out. There's a lot of science behind this

Alright, we'll hand in some participation trophies over here. I just want to let everyone know right away So yeah, so some the super rich company that needs to put chips and arms in a fucking cargo container and Bangkok needs to get them to Germany and and other people are going to be after him show their idea is to just go on a regular airplane, like a commercial flight. You know, they'll never expect that. He says we hide in plane sight. Yeah, exactly. I feel like he's, he's like, he's just making the whole thing dangerous just because he wanted to use that phrase. He was like, all right, man, like he said plain sight. Like I get it's not that clever.

We just you're a million dollar court. Maybe just like we do we flat private. It's more comfortable. They wouldn't know. And I mean, the idea here is like, you know, well, yeah, I could put the money in the bank, but they'd never expect me to put it on my front lawn. You know, this is the only way in which you could fail. You just get a private jet. This is a company that get a four and a half a million euros

for good a fuck knows. Anyway, yeah. Also, just one other small thing in this hospital scene, they have one of those monitors in the background with Chad's blood pressure. And it is changing wildly from moment to moment in the scene. Like, first of all, I'm pretty sure the top number has to be higher than the bottom number, no matter what. There's no, there's no, your blood can't go faster between heartbeats than during heartbeats. That would be an indication that you're, you're in terrible movie otherwise. Yeah. That's not how it works. A greeted to disagree. He's agreed to disagree. Um, state farm can provide you some numbers to prove otherwise, but I don't want to get to work right now. My systolic and diastolic are the same. So there you go. I don't know

match. It's a love swoosh dub. Love swoosh dub. It's just trickle, trickle, trickle. I don't think so. I think it's quite the opposite actually. So now it's time to meet the antichrist. We know this right away because he's European. Yep. Right. I mean, you knew as soon as you saw the name of this movie was the mark, you're like, first European guy, we meet the antichrist. Yep. So yeah, so then he goes, he wants to go into his evil monologue. And the way he gets there is by asking how many languages there are in the world. And the other guy's like, man, I don't fucking know. Can't we just not do a monologue?

And he goes, there's over a hundred languages. And according to Google, there are 6,909 little languages, which is over a hundred. That is a larger number than a hundred. You know how many people there are in America? Thousands. More than seven. Exactly. No, but it got me wondering because that's like, you know, obviously they weren't even

willing to Google here or or is it that they can't admit that there are 6,909 living languages in the world because that would mean that we'd have to have more than one new language per year and there are no new ones in anyone's living lifetime. Right? Like, so is that an apology? No, there's only 100 languages. No, there's, there's, you know, finish.

That's not real. Oh my God. Where is Ray Comfort's movie? African. It's all Chinese. I said. Well, that's a kind of Chinese. Isn't it? He's from Sudan. Yeah. Isn't that a toy? You to care? You're trying to figure me out. Why you hitting me? Oh, and also can we all have notes about the green screening here? So rough. I'm assuming the South Park backgrounds were unavailable.

And that's why they're standing on a balcony in front of Sim City, apparently. The backdrop might as well get painted during the scene. Like a stamp poetry event, like a five year old comes on with water colors and it's like, oh, finish this while we're doing it. So yeah, so he's, but he's monologuing about how there's too many languages and too many ways to say and the same thing. And, and, and, and how the religious people are all saying nonsense like the rapture and how he wants to be the

anti-Christ when he grows up. Oh, and this dialogue is so clunky. No, I know you already mentioned it's so clunky. He should trade his car in for it. It's just like love. If this dialogue started to smoke halfway through and he just got out of the anti-Christ head and was like, it's probably fine. I'll call triple A. So yeah, and to be fair, the bad guy that he's talking to who will be the main bad guy

for the rest of this movie, who will never be given a name until the credits, by the way, this guy to his credit gives us much of a fuck about this monologue as us, right? Because he's like, you know, look, I don't really care about all this shit. Can you just give me like a job description and I can go? He also asks for 500,000 euros in operating costs. What? 500,000 euros in operating costs. That's not his fee.

That's his operating cost. He's like, yeah, what I'm going to do is I'm going to sandwich it between five other jump air jets. And then I'm just going to roll these jets, roll in to M&M swimming pool. Yeah. Yeah. And so he's like, okay, well, you know, here's your payment. There's a bizarrely hot assistant that is incredibly quiet, so they don't have to pay or what the browser's milk secretary and your entire job's to like hand him a mark flash drive thingy and that that's it. I guess. Yeah. Like, you see, like, she was about to teach her stepdaughter how to suck a dick, but she hands him the thing. That's it.

I too was hoping same set different cameras. I get it. Right. Yes, she was just already there. They're like, you know, if you want to stick around, you don't have to go. You guys are using a set. We're using the set. If you're in under five, we can throw you 20 bucks.

Our craft services has wafers. So, okay. Now we head to the airport. This is the Bangkok International Airport where the evil bad guys can set their plan in motion. Oh, 2012 airports, just, just a guy walking through and the lady's like, oh, hold up a second wave. Yeah, you're good. Were they different in 2012? Yeah, way different. And it felt like it was better time. It felt like it was a little bit before that because he's reading a physical newspaper. Yeah, what? And he's got it all the way out. Like full that shouldn't to eight. It's like a decent fucking human being. God damn, we're get a kindle like a person

from the present or 2012. What do you do? Also, okay. So soldier boys sit there waiting on his flight. And the stewardess comes up to flirt with him. They know each other from, you know, the past. I guess. Yeah. And this is how subtle this is. They flirt for a second. She goes over to her other stewardess friend. And the other stewardess friend is like, he is cute. And I'm like, really? Is And the other stewardess friend is like, he is cute. And I'm like, really? Is he? Or does he look like Spouse will abuse Mr. Pateyna? What do you mean?

That's not what we want to say. There's a few steroids away from a wrestler maybe. Yeah. And also, the bad guy sitting behind him like glaring at him the whole time. I'm like, I feel like you want to be on a no glare policy at this point. And just in general, there's a lot of really fucking obvious bad guys that like the TSA in Thailand, they need to notice obvious evil guy a little better and throughout the movie. This will be key because they're going to be on the plane too. It seems like anyone with like a like a black sport coat and over a black turtle neck,

they got a briefcase that says bad motherfucker, maybe do a random check and let Noah go through, you know? Okay. Sam Harris. All right. Fine. We get it. We get it.

You're a racist. So now we're going to cut into the airplane where virtually the rest of this movie is going to take place. And the way we established that they're in an airplane, even though we're looking at that is with a captain announcement where he basically says, uh, welcome to, uh, the air. Uh, there'll be 12 hours to resolve the plot. Thank you. Oh, God. And look at what first class used to look like. Is that real? No, it's, it's like fucking Game of Thrones seating in this place. It's insane. There's three chairs in first class and there's a bar in the center of the room. There's a

there's a stripper pole. I would cut the head off my first born daughter with a paper cutter to fly like that. I scooped myself in between Heath and another Heath for 95 hours on a jet blue flight. And it's the best way you can fly. I would kill three first foreign sons and eat them to fly like that again. So beautiful. You need to fly Emirates guys. That's that's what this was. Anyway, yeah. So, but we're flying Emirates from now on. We're only flying.

Our next show. To buy. Exactly it on a show. Exactly. Got off. Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure that'll let you do that whole killing the first born over there, too. You know, as long as it turns out, okay. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was going to be a guy.

Look at his little wrists. He's a scratch. A little baby wrists flopping around. Yeah, that's no. And he's going to be my character gay baby into the show. But let me say gay baby would be the next car on the Pucka Pekka court. So you're missing out at home just so you know. So anyway, back to the script, the, we also learn here that the copilot Ted is a very hateable character.

Um, he is about to propose to a stewardess girlfriend. But I hope he doesn't die or anything. Oh, and Ted is the least he is the Tina of this movie. You feel free to just scream at Ted every. He's just droopy dog. Just like, oh, I can't wait to get bowry. She lets me see my penis on Christmas. I fucking hate this character so much. And we get to see his engagement ring for a second. Dowsen there, looking at it, she does not do well pretending she likes the engagement ring. She's like, yeah, no, yeah, no big.

No, it's great. It's good. So it's nice. No, that's nice. Zail. Huh? Zail. Yeah. It's good. You got a pretzel and a bond of gold to wed someone to you forever.

That's nice. You guys are appropriate, even amounts of attractiveness. This will do fun. Yeah. We'll get there. So later that very same flight, our main character is getting a drink. His name is Chad by the way, I'm a soldier boy through the whole thing because they barely ever give you his name. But he's in the back having a drink. And the

bad guys are all mobilizing at this moment, right? The 15 bad guys that are on this flight all stand up at the same time and start walking the same way in unison Like they're either gonna go fucking the bathroom or they're gonna do a High jacking flash mob That'd be fun of dance. They started doing a musical number High jacking dance. I got a feeling slits someone's throat I got a feeling slits someone's throat. Also, how the fuck do you book 18 people on the same play? That seems to like it'd be crazy difficult to do.

It is crazy difficult. Yeah. So, all right. You're like they got really easy TSA pre-checked. Seems like that's not a good security measure. Well, they're, they're all, don't tell. So, okay, so now, while that's going on, we're getting it cross cut with the main character. Some reporter shit comes up to flirt with him, right? She's like, I

see you're the main character here. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mean Shirley Holmes, the psychic reporter? So this, this character who I just have in my notes is discount monica. So you and Eric Roberts are obviously together and you're smuggling a microchip and he's like, no, no. Yeah. So while we're learning now, while they're doing that, the again, the bad guys have now began to climb through the cavernous empty compartments that airplanes have. This movie imagines airplanes to have.

I would say seven extra full floors of space. It's not used for cargo or anything. Yep. Just like tunnels. Yeah. They're grabbing candlesticks. Bookcases are spinning around. It's like haunted mansion airlines.

The whole plane is fucking enormous. It's ridiculous. It's impossibly large this airplane. Yeah. So yeah, and the bad guy, I love to the, uh, the main bad guy says to the guy crawling through the tunnel, he's like, you have five minutes, because this is getting crazy fucking boring. He's been a while since those explosions.

And just to keep us from getting interested in any of this, of course, we have to go back to the expositing with the journalist conversation here and there. Right. And the journalist is like, well, you work for Avanti, don't you? And he's like, wow, this is lazy writing. And she's like, no, no, no, he's got to, it's got a nice watch. He's literally the only person in the world to have a nice watch. And we see the bad guys, we cut to the bad guys and they're like getting all their 2012 cutting-age technology together, which involves foldable machine guns, like origami machine guns. Like the size of a Rubik's cube and end up is like M16s.

And he's cell phone. Yes. I have a very nice cell phone. It is. I have a very nice cell phone. I don't know, I don't get this, this one. That's great. He's got all you from his computer. Project five, it's very good service.

I've been checking out him and four other guys who are drug dealers. It's a slave to the big three or whatever. So meanwhile, wake up sheeple. Yes. Meanwhile, hometown pilot and hometown co-pilot are out there discussing all the things they have to live for.

And there's this crazy moment. I don't know why they left in the movie. He's like, so, uh, how'd you get engaged? And he was like, I fucked my wife in the back of the car. And she was like, you better put a ring on it. Cause I felt a baby crawl up a tube. And he's like, oh, fun. Yeah, he and I both have an art notes. Oh, the pilot proposed somewhere very uncomfortable. Yeah. Literally, they say that. Yeah. Also,

small thing, according to the cockpit display, they're flying it 200 feet. Seems low. Seems low. The, the, the altitude's actually going to matter later. Apparently not now. Knockin' over buildings and build over. We're just, we're rolling. We're just rolling. We're rolling, guys. This is a jump.

Um, yeah. And also, this is so weird because like, generally, you know, obviously the special effects are terrible. The CGI is terrible. But generally, it's a fairly well-made movie. The director seems to know where the camera is supposed to go, et cetera. But whenever it's Ted talking, the audio is fucking awful. He's like way quieter than everybody else. He's clippin' like crazy. That was driving me fucking nuts. Because Ted's a cuck. We hate Ted. That must be it.

Everyone's set hated Ted too. That could be it. Yeah. The people with a boomer just kind of like whacking him with it. Just watching the daily. He's like, Hey, uh, it sounds a little different when I just shut the fuck up. Do we have to really shoot me later in the movie? Yes. So normally you use blood packets. No. All out. It's like normally you use blood packets. No. Well, out. All right. So now meanwhile with this boring ass conversation between the main character and the reporter chick, she's explaining that this is like obviously all the stuff going on on Fox news, even today is obviously the apocalypse happening. And she, she justifies this by saying, it looks

like the wealthier going to grab all the power. Didn't they already have? I did. When, when did you just wait up for me to, yes, whatever, more, they're getting more one, we're going to need a one bank, one currency and one leader. Yeah. Again, not sure how that, but it's the Bible, it's the revelation thing. Yeah, exactly. Well, and he picks up on that quick, because he's like, are we talking about Satan? Like, who the fuck would answer like that? To which, to which she responds, like, don't talk about Satan.

Okay, it's like you brought up her ex. She's just like, I don't want to get into it with him. All right, just like, I've moved on, he's moved on. I blocked him on Facebook. And it's got it. Yeah. He's like supposed to be the atheist at this point. He's like, Oh, do you mean Satan? Is that what you're fucking talking about? And she did mean Satan. Yeah. No, I wanted him to pretend like someone waved at him at this empty bar and just like turn around and walk away. But when they're in the scene, again, the airplane is impossible. They're in like a German beer garden bar somewhere in this airplane.

It's enormous. That will deck our air bus that they have now has that exact set up, I do believe. Oh, we are flying this with like cafeteria tables going from miles. It's ridiculous. Just keep in the background, chuggin and talk into the help. Hey, man, you washed the toilet. What's up with you? Come sit with us.

We're friends now. I'm gross. You're gross, dude. You're gross. So, but now, her response... I'm nice to people. I don't understand this one either. I don't get that one.

I get the one about your phone, but talk to the help. That's why they're the help. We paid them not to talk to us. Part of the pay is you don't get why anyone still gives us money since you like it. Give me a no money. I can't be trusted with it. Yeah, but I love to that, like, basically her reaction to his, like, are you talking about Satan is so you have read the Bible? What? Because he knows about Satan.

And this is where we get the scene of the bad guys passing each other a gun in a newspaper. Yeah. So unnecessary. Like, dude, just pass me the weapon. We're using the newspapers. We said we would pass them. We're not even, nobody, we're in the bat. We're in like an impossibly hidden vault of this airplane. Nobody can see.

We're gonna use the newspapers throughout. Also, yet do they have a dumb waiter to the cargo area on airplanes? I don't feel like this. Maybe they do, but for security, maybe one that doesn't fit people would be a good idea. Just that fits a little bit less. I don't disagree. Just me on an Emirates flight.

Wee. Wee. Good you anything from down there? You like get out seriously. They're calling the cops. Wee! Wee! Good you anything from down there? You like get out seriously, they're calling the cops. Wee! I'm like Ben Carson. Wee! Wee!

Wee! So now everybody's asleep on the plane. And the stewardess is coming by with a drink service. And this is so fucking funny because like clearly everyone's trying to sleep and she just turns to the next person. And she was like, how about some coffee? What do you think?

She went on to work for JetBlue. Shaken me awake. Do you want some blue potato chips? No. No, I want to sleep away the memory of the nine babies on this plane. Thank you. I'll have his blue potato chips. Thank you.

I'm watching cops. And he was too. You watched cops marathon. That's the end of our flight. Straight out and I would not leave he alone. Every time I watched a poor person get hurt, I would shake him and be like, dude, you got to turn to cops. You got to watch. You got to watch. This is an actual true story. That ladies are mom's age. See what drug addiction did to her. They're arresting her for having a problem. Come on, get in here.

Oh, she's running away because she's frightened. Oh, they always get her because there's more of them. The tackles are fun. The tackles are fun. You got to admit. So at the same time, by the way, we should point out that this is the second time that we get soldier boy doing his flashback thing, but now he's just flashing back to things that have already happened in the movie.

Yeah, he's just flashing back to the movie. We're 23 minutes in. Yeah. Yeah, they were sure we were coming in after a commercial. They're like, really? He just stuck around even after that open. You mean this isn't already on TBS? All right. Fine. Yeah, they were sure we were coming in after a commercial. They're like, really? He just stuck around even after that open. Huh? You mean this isn't already on TBS?

All right. Fine. If you think so. Yeah. So, okay. So now this is where Dow, who is the stewardess, he was flirtin' with early the main character. This is where Dow catches the stewardess and the co-pilot makin' out because apparently he already proposed to her on the plane.

That's pretty awful. And even more uncomfortable place on a lot of planes, not this one. No. And just to reinforce what a bitch this stewardess is, she announces to the sleeping passengers on the red eye flight over the intercom that the co-pilot and the stewardess are engaged. Like anyone gives a fuck. She teases them. She's like, I'm going to tell him, I'm going to tell him and they're like, no, don't.

She's like, okay, we're 10,000 feet in the air. And he's a stop, stop making it on the podcast. People will know my mom listens and it's great. It's a fun joke. And I think we all agree that stewardess is hilarious. Yeah. And you should tweet and Facebook people. And I think we all agree that stewardess is hilarious. Yeah. And you should tweet and Facebook people. And now the end of the month.

And things done. Cool. That joke is done. Good. They're registered. Don't tweet me. Wait, it's done. What is your name?

It never started. Jesus Christ. Nothing Eli says is true. Everybody needs to God damn it. I don't like using Twitter. So go. I don't like using Twitter. So meanwhile, I don't like phone calls, Facebook, don't contact me about this. The people it is. Like to sit in a small room.

It's a big one, but don't bother me in whatever size room I'm in. God damn it. Meanwhile, speaking of small rooms, we have what we cut to the Asian bad guy who yes will no karate later. Sneaking through one of the many Bruce Willis tunnels in this plane, it's enormous air duct. Again, so much space on this airplane.

Like I wanted him to like stand up and start walking in the duct doing big kicks. There's like a whole table. It's so large. Yeah. God, Jesus, like, and again, if they're not trying to transform this plane into a ninja robot mid flight, they are doing too many fucking steps here. Optimus Prime just turns to bumblebee. I swear to God, I've got like an Asian guy in me. Oh, I do not feel good. I do not feel good. So, okay, so we cut back to soldier guy.

He's walking from back from the bar when all of a sudden the co-pilot guy hugs him. Just a complete stranger grabs him, hugs him says, I just got engaged. That is punch punching the nose crazy Yeah, you're not allowed to physically violate someone else's space unless you enjoy their podcast I don't know. Yes. Yeah, I don't like I'd give you a cigar, but it's a non smoking flight And I swear to God this wasn't scripted the actors just like cigars if a baby's this not the thing And he's like, oh, all right. The writer's not super good, though.

It's not my fault, man. At which point we do the least delicate introduction of a, well, sorry, the second least delicate introduction of a character in this movie, where the minister rises up in between the two characters. And he's like, hey, I'm a minister. You want to get married. And I loved that so much. I really wanted that character to do that no matter what. Just like they wink at each other across the bar. Minister pops up. Hey, and it couldn't notice a little bit of chemistry. I'm a minister. You guys want to, if I get a hundred before the

end of the week, I don't have to get breast implants. Come on, people. I have a terrible gambling problem. Who will get married? Renew vows. That counts. Come on. So once they meet him, soldierably goes into the bathroom where he starts flashing back to the flashbacks from earlier in the movie. Brave. Brave. It's basically it's a flashback to his brother going blessed or the Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, and him saying, I've been the war. There's no God.

Well, not to that. He's like, I saw a 12 year old girl take a bullet and he's like, hey, man, that 12 year old died so that you could live. And now I had a whole other storyline in my head where a 12 year and he's like, Hey man, that 12 year old died so that you could live. And now I had a whole other storyline in my head where a 12 year old's just like, no. She was right. She did love me long time. I mean, that's the love. Yeah, we get the stupid problem of evil thing here.

Yeah. And the like Christian brothers like, oh shit, yeah, okay. 12 year old got shot. That's a hard one. I got this. Uh, she got shot so I could be an over five stupid, not a stupid. I got it. I got it.

She got shot in the face so you could have a good redemption plot later in a movie. Because um, Nippidence isn't what it used to be. This is the deity that stopped the son at Joshua's command. And he's like, oh, fuck a bullet. Oh, sticking in the sink in front of it. I got, I got plans for him. Yeah.

Just get, yeah. No third solution. And no. So, all right. So main bad guy is about to enact his plan finally, Jesus Christ. So he goes back to get the gun from the gun hiding part of the plane, the extremely convenient dumb waiter that does nothing but help hijackers on air. You're apparently exactly. And just then because this writer was thinking about it, y'all,

the co-pilot's about to go into the, into the cockpit. And he turns around and he goes, Oh, I was supposed to get a ginger ale. I'll go back to the back of the plane and turns around. That's why he didn't show up in this moment because the script nailed it. Like we were going to hear like, where the fuck's the co-pilot? He was just fucking, he was going to get a ginger ale. This movie makes no sense. Now they fixed it.

And well, and by the way, apparently this 93 step plan, the only thing that it took to like make them completely change everything was, oh, fuck, the copilot's going back out for jeez rail. God damn it. Cause you're like, oh, change your plans, guys. Well, it's a change of plans because as he's reaching in to get his gun, the stewardess who's just been engaged, she walks in on him and she's like, sir, what are you looking for?

And we're going to learn later in the movie. He takes this moment to murder her. To murder her. Yeah. He couldn't have been like, where are the blue potato chips? He's murderous her. And that's why the plan changes. He's like, I'm murdered early guys.

I'm sorry, it's funny. I couldn't possibly think of anything to say except just getting my gun and then silently murder a woman 30 inches from someone's sleeping face. Like I said, the writer was really thinking this throw just know as in the seat in front of him hearing or get murdered. At least it's not a baby. It would be better. That would be better. Um, so yeah. And then it's time for them to activate Doradio Jammer from from the Bruce Willis hatch with the Asian guy who a nose grotty and B is the tech master computer genius and see prize a small penis because otherwise they would have run

out of stereotypes for this character. Yeah. At one point he's driving down the hallways of the plane. He keeps crashing. All right, we got it all for. And by the way, to jam the entire radio system of an airplane, you, you take a, a, a computer-y-looking box and you smush it against any other computer-y-looking box anywhere in airplanes. And that's not what matters. It matters how you smush, but yes, that's, that's, that's, I mean, just play some words with friends, same effect, right? You turn off airplane mode, fucks the whole airplane.

Apparently, that's what they'll have us believe anyway. Um, yeah. So the radio goes out and now the pilot's kind of freaking out. He's, he calls for the co-pilot to get back here. Gingerail or no. At the same time, Eric Roberts notices that the main bad guy is talking to himself saying mean bad guy cliches and says, maybe something's weird here. Right. So he goes to the air martial and he's like, Hey, um, there's a bad guy

up there. Very clearly enacting a plane. He's got an earpiece. The size of studio headphones hanging off the side of his head. Do you want to do anything about that? And the guy's like, yeah, sure, I'll check it out. I won't get stabbed in the heart right away. Promise. Excuse me, sir. Did you say moh-ha-ha into a secret service year piece? No, no. Yes.

And stab. Exactly. Yeah. I want to point out, this is where they like take over the plane and this is 2012. There is literally no way you have a cooperative hostage audience on a plane at this point in time. No, there's like 800 people in this plane Three European guys have foldable machine guns. I sneezed on the flight to Seattle a flight attendant shot me and they had three times And the and everybody else went well, you know, he did look a little suspicious. He was Jewish. I think he was Jewish. He wouldn't stop watching cops. So yeah. So and then they shoot like

that the co-pilot's about to get into the cockpit at this point. Main bad guy gets up shoots at both the pilot and the co-pilot. How is that part of the plan? I don't know. The pilots on an airplane you're flying in. I know. Seems like a bad plan. I I don't know. So now it's time for him to try to get into the cockpit for reasons that will never be made clear, right? He never needs in the cockpit.

It is so good. So his thing is like he's got the co-pilot outside. He's going to torture him trying to get the pilot to open the door. So he kicks the co-pilot Ted who we hate in the thigh where he shot him and he's like, and he immediately goes, stop being a whiner, which is a weird thing to say with someone you're torturing, right? Yeah. Like when you're torturing someone to get someone inside a door to open it,

I feel like you don't be like, uh, weird. Cut it out. Yeah, this crazy talk. They're in your best interest here. Yeah, but he goes like, you're not gonna die. Gunshots are never failing movies unless you're a bad guy in which case they always pretty much all. And so he says like, you know, I'm gonna torture this guy. No, I'm gonna blow up the door. No, I'm gonna, you know what?

I'm just gonna throw everything against the wall and eventually you'll open the cockpit door I feel like. So his thing is, again, I'm gonna, you know what? I'm just gonna throw everything against the wall and eventually you'll open the cockpit door, I feel like. So his thing is, again, I have a bum and I'm gonna blow open the cockpit door because, you know, it's one of those fruity explosions. Can you do a controlled demolition on an airplane? Is that a smart move? Ever?

Does not with four, one and a quarter pound sticks of C four. That seems excessive. That seems excessive. That's what they're using for the 11, the standard like 11 inch C four butter sticks, but front C four. The back is just the back's just flower. Yeah. There's a way to do that. But yes, it would require much, much smaller amount of explosive. Oh, you mean not a palette of C4? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, being about this in a minute, so you can go fuck yourself, but so can we, if it makes you feel any better. Yeah, so meanwhile, the bad guys have checked the whole plane and dammit, they can't find the guy who has the thing that they came to find. Where could he be?

Well, he apparently snuck from the trap door that airplanes have in their bathrooms down into the cavernous under dungeon of the airplane. Did he go through the toilet? Is that why I don't I don't flushes himself down the toilet just appears on the guy's shoulders. Like international gorillas just like, ah, there you go. Two flushes. I learned it in the triple X movie. And this is where our main character and the Asian guy get into the boringest, roliest, punchiest fight ever.

Well, to not involve David A.R.O.I. Yeah, exactly. It felt like he was there. Like I put him into the picture, a little bit, a little day, no way. You could see him standing off screen going, go under, under, oh, yeah. Yeah.

And at first they don't do karate. And I was like, oh, that's, that's weird. They didn't take this opportunity to be racist, but then they do some karate. Yeah, then they do that. Oh, then they totally do some karate. Is that, okay, is that racist? That Asian people know karate?

Again, that's like a positive thing, some karate. Is that okay? Is that racist that Asian people know karate? Again, that's like a positive thing knowing karate stereotypes in general, positive or negative tend to be racist. Yeah. So, well, if they're, you know, determined by racist, well, it's anti like white people. And I'm allowed to say that we don't know karate as well, right? Yeah. It's a compliment. It's like saying the N word, it's same thing. We're allowed to do it. It is like that, I guess. It's like classes in it at the local Y. Apparently that's a thing. Yeah. So we get this fight. And by the way, this is like, and we've seen this in a lot of these movies, this is the one shot per cut type of fight choreography. At one point, the Asian guy has a knife and he's literally doing the gym carry sketch from in living color. They're like, straight up and down, knife stab.

Yeah, yeah. Well, and we get the whole like grabbing the knife, unstabbing trope. Yeah. Oh, Jesus, it's so bad. Also, quick thing, there's a box in this cargo area that's labeled 3.8 liters of Fukushima. Weird thing to be back there. Kind of seems dangerous. Wait. Or maybe it's just some dirt. Yeah. So at the same time, the captain is talking to the bad guy so that we don't have to dwell on how bad the fight choreography is. Yeah.

So we cut to that where he's like, uh, he's the captain's like, I'm not flying this plane into no building. The guy's like, dude, I'm white. This is an Australian. What the fuck are you thinking? This wrong accent for that. He's like, oh, all right. Yeah.

If you just want to take the place, sorry, I forgot. Yeah, you know, post 2001 plane taking over thing or way less adorable. And of course, he's like, this is where he's go. We're the bad guys. Like, now, you know, do what we say. I don't want to kill anyone else. And at that point, they dropped the air marshal and the fiancé, like in sight. And apparently the two of them are in a warm embrace. Yeah. Those weird way they fell. He hugged them. Like he was like, I, in sight, and apparently the two of them are in a warm embrace. Yeah, that's weird. Weird way they fell.

He hugged them. Like, he was like, I killed both these people, but you know what? Let's have some fun with it. I'll like pose them together. So why ever no, ever no, be like, what were they doing? No, no, I killed them both separately. I just, I like to have fun. I'm a terrorist, but you know, I have fun.

I keep it fun. And we see her ring, like arm over the guys. So we see her rings. That's how we know it. It's her. I wanted to, I wanted to, to go out to crawl over and be like, so sad that,

yeah, fiancee's dead. I guess I'll just take back this time and so tragic. Oh my gosh, one second. I just got to reach in her purse and get the receipt. And let me just delete some pictures of her phone. I didn't want to ask her. It's just some guy I do a podcast with just kept making it. It got really awkward. So I yeah, exactly.

And then eventually I realized that it was the right time. And I asked her, live on air. Hello, Zales. Is that's the 91st day? I talked to a manager real quick. So yeah, all right. So at this point, the bad guy, the Asian guy at the bottom of the plane beats the soldier

guy and calls in and he's like, hey, I found the guy we were looking for and I just beat him unconscious. You want me to do something with him or something and they're like, no, no, just, you know, I kind of keep it eye on him here and there. Okay. I feel like I should tie him up. No, don't worry about it. No, don't worry.

He'll stay asleep for literally the rest of this movie. Yeah, they think so. Yeah, but then he wakes up and then he wins the same one hit per cut type of fight. He trips him and the Asian guy hits his head and then he's asleep for the rest of the movie. Yep. Yep. This is the last we'll see of this character. Yep. Chad knocks him out with a shin kick, knocks him unconscious with a shin kick to end that fight. Yeah. That's where we went with it. That's where the writer ended. So yeah, and also at the same time, the co-pilot is talking to the pilot on the little phone

that they have. And he says he wants to give him a subtle code to tell him to maybe bank the airplane in one direction or another so that, you know, like he'll get a tactical advantage in the fight with the guy with the gun. And his code is, I think it's time to shake it up a bit. If you know what I mean, that's not code language. No, we all know what you mean. Because bad guys hate gravity.

He might as well have spelled it in one of them. I think it's probably time for you to S H A to be the P L A I M. I was wondering if you were going to get that. I was wondering if you were going to get that. Aakshay, the ares tays. You know, I'm saying, I lit pay. Well, you could say pilot. Well, all right.

It's. Yeah. But that so the pilot shakes it up a bit, which of course, when a plane moves, the bad guy stumbles more than the good guys in real life. So that's why this makes sense. And it doesn't work. No, like he just gets his gun back and we're back where we were before this happened in the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Well, right. Yeah, he gets an advantage for a second, but then another bad guy shows up and grabs the gun and is like, you know, there's also that. Yeah, fuck, I didn't think about that. At which point, the bad guy, the main bad guy's like, all like all right well now I'm mad. I didn't realize you were all gonna be a bunch of bitches about At which point he instructs his henchmen to like calm everyone down which they do by wandering through the cabin

Pointing guns at people and screaming at them. Yeah, well at the make it worse He gets on the radio. He's like all right stay calm Also, if the pilot does anything, I'll kill you randomly. So, you know, that should calm you down. Right. And there's this great moment right after that. He's like, I'll kill you randomly where they're running through and they're like, Oh, stay down, stay down. And one extra if you don't watch this movie, I'll understand.

It's on YouTube. One extra keeps screaming way longer than he's supposed to because it's like, stay down, stay down. And one guy in the back is just like for like six solid seconds after everyone else in the scene has gone quiet. It's phenomenal. So all right, so now this is where the main bad guy starts to realize that maybe the super soldier guy This is where the main bad guy starts to realize that maybe the super soldier guy has woken up and beat up the Japanese Because he's not answering his radio anymore So he sends another bad guy down. He's like, hey, go check on Jerry And that other bad guy's like, yeah, no, we will just go one at a time. That's that's brilliant man

That now that the he's armed with Jerry's weapons that we would one of the time go to the place where he is. All right. So help me understand this. Chad, our main character is hiding like a four year old playing hide and see. Yes. Literally, he's just facing the wall. That is how he is hiding from this bad guy. Yeah, he climbs between these two boxes that like clearly you can see between them because

that's how we're looking at him. And he's just like, can't see me. And that works. Apparently he drags Jerry like out of the lighted area like it's assassin's creed, but then into a spotlight. That's that's actually where he's hiding right now. And it works. Yeah, well, it's almost like like the other bad guy just walked

down their smoke to a joint and came back up. I didn't see shit, man. I don't know what the fuck he is. So yeah, it goes back up until the bad guy like Jerry disappeared. He's like, did you look in all the places that would hold a human? And he's like, not even remotely. Not even close. It's like when you ask them to check in the back of a toy store, it's just like, oh, yeah, no, I'll go check in the back. I'm not even the room where it would be. I'm walking back out. Yeah, no, I checked really hard. All of those high guys in the back who are terrible at their jobs, they confirmed that we also don't know where that is.

He's like they're talking to him. Hey, man, what's going on with you? We're friends. We were you was friends with them. So yeah, so no, I just now, but I'm hey, hey, hey, that back out there. He did. He did. So now the main bad guy calls the soldier dude on the radio. And he's like, Oh, you took one of my guys. I'll take one of yours. And like to be fair, like he would win that bet. Right. There's a lot more passengers than bad guys that'd be like, you know, when you're ahead by enough pieces in chess, you can just start trading. Right. Oh, and real quick, the bad guy's name here, it's Joseph Pike. I looked it up.

I looked it up on IMDB. Did they ever say it? Maybe just tell us in the movie. No, I don't think they do. Huh. Yeah. So, all right. So this is where the guys got to kill someone as revenge for him, knocking Jerry out.

So he kills the journalist check. But then then he sends her down in the dumb waiter as a threat. I wrote my notes, oh no, don't send me a dead woman's body. Oh, God, don't send down some Mayo packets. Whatever you do. I'm just saying that move wouldn't work on me. I'd be like, ah, jokes on you. Really? Open the dumb waiter that I just sent up and he's like, oh, fuck, mate. No. No, we're getting off the plane. This is not, all right. This is fucking now.

No. No. No. Yuck. Yuckers. So. So. Um, and then the terrorist tells me, I'm going to kill this woman that I apparently know that

you're in love with if you don't come up in three seconds. How it seems like you're giving him more time. He's going to take a body out of the dumb waiter that he was maybe fucking and then send himself back up like using a pulley and he does this all in two seconds. He's like literally two seconds. He's like one and he's like, I'm here. And he's like, wow, God, that was way where you literally behind you. That is the only place. All right. I guess I'll knock you out with my gun. Yeah. Oh, I guess if the first half of this movie was any indicator, this is

probably going to represent the only chance we get to take a break without cutting in the middle of a fucking conversation because everything up to this point has been one long scene. So we're gonna pause for a moment, but first let me give act three the hard cell here. Will the bad guys get the thing in time? Who are the bad guys again? And why do they want the thing? Find out that there are no answers to these questions and more when we return for the suddenly a completely different movie conclusion of the mark You know my price I do and I'll need 500,000 pants in operating expenses

I'm sorry what I didn't negotiate Okay, I mean it's just like you're stealing a microchip. Why on earth would you boy? Pline. What? Decor pline. I lure him into a second pline full of actors. Oh, okay. All right. And then you take the chip. Nah, T.C.T.A.C. We fight a crash into an Olympic swimming pool of mint condition, bony babies. What? Why would you... And this is when we hire Bono to play Gloria. I...

You know, I think we're gonna go with another firm, hedge mice. firm hedge mice. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero, we got knocked the fuck out, which means before we can get back to the action We have to go through yet another dammit. We need to make 90 minutes flashback of parts of the movie. We've already watched Yep of parts of the movie we've already watched. Woo! Yep. So last week on this movie, they were 45 minutes long. I wanted to re-steep it people. Really counting on that TV play time. Really counting on you.

Just think some commercials in this. We can almost get two hours. Yeah. And the key to this flashback, by the way, again, which is all shit we've already seen in the movie is he needs to open his heart to Jesus between now and the end of this film. Uh, and he wakes up and the bad guy goes and look, listen to this terrible line. I have it on good authority. You have that, which I am looking for. What a terribly written script. All of this script feels like

a very good ESL students first try. What do you think? Pretty good. Pretty, pretty close to English. That's honestly should be the tagline for this film, you know, the mark pretty, pretty close to English. So yeah, but but here's the thing. These idiots are looking for an implantable fucking chip. And they're like, yeah, we looked in your pockets. Where fuck is it, man? We searched your entire exterior body and found not this inserted chip anywhere.

Where is it, motherfucker? Right. To which he responds, it's not in my luggage. It's in me. And I wrote the Eli Bosnick story. Yes. I'm occasionally the no-illusioned story. Yeah. So yeah. So they're like, well, I guess we're just going to have to chop your arm off. And this is when Eric Robert stands up and throws some motherfucking science at these people. No, it's biometric. It's fueled by a blood. It's not.

It's not. It's not biometric means. Nope, which means it's fueled by his blood supply. It's like a little car in his veins. And if it runs out of blood fuel, it will release a neurotoxin into his blood supply, which will kill him. And listen, what's amazing is not just that, but like Chad isn't supposed to know.

So Chad's like, oh, Eric, oh. Oh, oh, side effect, bro. And the bad guy, what's his name, Joe Pike? He gets so frustrated here. He's like, all right, well, fuck. Wanted to come back here.

Bad guy, Huddle. Bad guy, Huddle. And yeah, for the rest of the movie, it's pretty much a bad guy, Huddle. Okay, good. For the bad guys. I have to at least acknowledge what the word biometric means. Right? Because that's what he says. He's like, nope, you can't do that. That chip is biometric means, right? Because that's what he says.

He's like, nope, you can't do that. That chip is biometric. A court, the dictionary seems to think that that means of a relating to the statistical analysis of biological data. A biometric chip would be something that like measured your blood pressure and shit. Yeah, related to biometry, which is also a word.

That's a real thing. You can't just make up capable of showing the movie bio dom starring Paulie. They got you got closer right between you and the writer of this movie. You got closer to the definition right there. Jesus. All right. So the main band guy says, all right, it's time for plan B. We're going to have to kidnap this guy and bring him to the boss with a chip still inside him, which means they're going to need the plane to descend 5,000 feet so they can jump out of it. It's, it's like they watched all the movies about airplanes and hijacking and wrote down

everything they noticed, but they never noticed like acting or plot or snakes or any of the good fuck of them. I just got a whiteboard with get off my planes in like a bunch of different colors. A bunch of crossed out stuff. Sets question mark crossed out. Audio crossed out. Yeah, and so the and the pilot, you know, like since they got so pissed off on them that they started shooting people the last time he started moving the plane around, um, he says, Hey, 5,000 feet. There's going to be crazy turbulence. And the bad guy says in another great piece of dialogue, well, then you better start praying. The fuck does

that even mean? I don't know. That's not a response to turn. Not really. No. So then they make everybody on the plane put blankets over their heads. Yes. Why? So they can't, so they can't see what? What's happening?

I don't know. No. But this does answer the old gypsy riddle. What is less intimidating than Eric Roberts having a whisper fight with his fellow passengers under a blanket. The answer, nothing, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. In less intimidating than Eric Roberts being like, you grab the guy. No, you grab the guy. Oh, you nine B, put your blanket back on.

Stop stealing the elbow rest. You stop. So yeah. So Eric Roberts, whisper fights with the guy across the aisle from him who is apparently one of the good guys. Or is he just a random passenger? No idea. Okay. So yeah, but he whispers them, hey, we're going to have to take over the plane and kill the bad guys and the guys like, yeah, okay.

Yep. He is the first to think of 80 people versus four people with guns might work out in our favor. Yeah. And then Eric Roberts is like, no, we can't ask the other passengers. None of them speak English. Really? Yes, that's really what he said.

I wanted a bunch of them to be like, we can all hear you and your stupid whisper fight. That's not, that's nothing. And that's weirdly racist. We're on the way to Germany. Pretty sure some of us speak English. You dumb fuck. Yeah, so we're on earth. I was a pretty good, she's, we that's weirdly racist. We're on the way to Germany. Pretty sure some of us speak English. You dumb fuck. Yeah, so we're on earth. I was a pretty good cheese. We're on an airplane. We're all people gonna afford to be on an airplane

There's a pretty good chance. There's some English speakers since that's the language. They're using for the announcements Jesus Christ. Yeah, okay So now it's time for a little good guy versus bad guy dialogue. And I just wrote in my notes as this scene started like, wow, with a masterful word, Smith, like they've got here, I can hardly fucking wait. Oh, and it's so literally there's one, he's like, you must feel like a big man. He just points the gun and he was like, all right, never mind. Fine. And by the way, Joe Pike, the bad guy, he holds the gun at a 45. So not all the way turned like gangster style.

Yeah. And not, yeah. Is that like a mixed race thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She think he's have these must be. We need Sean King to hold the gun. So now we can't. Eric Robertson is buddy fight one of the hijackers to death. But they like solid snake fight them. They're like, oh, what's over there? They might as well put like sunglasses on him and a Hawaiian shirt like, ah, he's sleeping. All right.

Puts on the bad guy hat. No, I'm one of you guys. Remember me from place? Also, I want to point out at this point, we get a pan and there's a David A.R. White movie on on the plane. Yep. The least realist apart of the movie so far. They kept the movie. Royal tie airlines is playing in David A. Yes.

Yeah, exactly. On the way to Berlin, from Bangkok. Yep. So, all right. So now the other bad guys are wanting to figure out what happened to the guy who Eric Robertson and the brand of character that was next to him beat up. And I'm curious what happened to him too. We never see at least he's just laying there in the eye. They swallow them. They swallow.

They swallow. Real bad guy here. So yeah. So they send another bad guy back and Eric Roberts is like, oh, I'm all covered in blood I can't distract this guy you have to do it guy next to me. So he distracts him with the old. I've got a pee trick Right, he's just like I got to take a mr. Poopers Drop some kids off in the pool. I can you actually just sit back down? Well, I love to because that the main bad guy comes back and he's like, what's this problem? And he's like, he's got to take a wee, man. And and the actor tries his damnedest to say, oh, he has to go to the bathroom with an evil voice, but you can't say those words and sound evil.

It was not for a lack of trying though. Who knows to the actor? I got a drain the lizard. Hey, I'll drain your lit. This is so fucking stupid. I was in the expendables. How did I end up in this movie? We need banter now. Can we? All right. No, we need a fight scene. Now God damn it. And what we really need is a fight scene that is randomly joined by a sweaty fat man. Surprise fat guy. Yeah. It needs to be emphasized how beautiful this

is. So the pastor's he shoots the guy who wanted to go to the bathroom and the passengers are all like, right, and they all jump up. And surprise fat guy floats out of nowhere. He might as well descend from the ceiling on wires. And he does like bring it on, motherfucker, to the bad guy. And he hits the ever loving shit out of him. He's not just like a helpful guy. He knows Kung Fu. He's not just like a helpful guy. He knows Kung Fu.

He's like, Whoa! Yes. It's like now that I've finished my blue potato chips, I can't keep drinking the eggs. And he's already sweating just profusely at this point. He's trying to get a train. Like me and Andrew after speed eating ribs in a hot van in North Carolina.

I seriously, I looked over at Andrew one point. We were just both sweating violently. Like poor kids were running next to us during the summer. And Heath was making friends of him. He was like, hey, what's your deal, man? You want to hang out with us. So it allowed to talk to me. Jumping, huh?

That sounds fun. I love jumping. So yeah, the thing, who very clearly was the highest backer on Kickstarter or something, you know, or like, you know what this was, I thought, like this is the target audience, right? The target audience for this movie is some enormously overweight guy who says things like, man, if one of them Muslims ever tried to take over playing eyes on, I'd kick their ass even though they've never been on a plane. Right.

So that's what this is. Yeah. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You the movie suddenly. You know that someone gave him like a hoist yourself up on your rascal ovation when he got up to the like, oh man, I can't do no standing, but if I had prayed hard enough, I'd

be on my feet for you right now, brother. Get her to this guy. This guy got shot in his last words. It'd been get her done. This would be the greatest movie of all time. It's awful close. Alright, so, so the main character kills one of the other bad guys. Um, the fat guy subdues bad guy prime. But the guy that the main character kills sets off a bomb before he dies that has 10 seconds on it. Why and why did he have that?

Why the display? Why does it always have to? Have it go off. You're a bad guy. You want to blow up now. So the, uh, Chad, the main character tosses the bomb into a garbage shoot, which means journalist, ladies, everywhere now. And the plane starts to rapidly lose altitude. Oh,

no. What's going to happen? You may ask unless you've watched a lot of Christian movies, you will never get that right. Yeah. Cause you're wrong. If you didn't guess all the Christians on the plane will disappear If we take god damn Time the skunk writer was like oh right Christian movie and then all the Christians disappear But they don't like tell you right away like if I didn't see in 10 of these terrible movies, this whole scene is nonsense. Right. They're just like walking through and seeing clothes in seats. And they should be folded by the way,

if you were going to be accurate, all the clothes should be folded. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's how I've seen it done. But also like, apparently part of the rapture is that the exploding plane stops flying erratically too. Right? Like the explosion that just went off on the airplane, there on suddenly doesn't matter anymore.

Oh, you know, while it was there, you could say that Jesus took the wheel. I guess. Sick. Now, we should also point out that the pilot who we've seen throughout the movie, like a hiding in the cockpit all by himself, we've established that he's a Christian. So they don't know that yet because the door they haven't been able to get into the cockpit yet, but he also would have been raptured. So now, just to be clear, this movie is about them trying to get into

the cockpit. Yes. Yeah. The bad guys up to this point will never do anything else. This is the time out now. Yes, the time out begins now and ends in the very last scene of the movie. So this movie is now about our main characters trying to get inside the locked cockpit just for those following along. For the time being, yes.

Yeah, for a second. So, yeah. So now, okay, now that they've gotten the bad guys also dude, main character runs into Eric Roberts and he's like, Hey, you injected me with a neurotoxin and punches him on the face. Eric Robert spends the rest of the scene holding the other side of his face. Oh, I would, yes, I would like someone in a movie to get punched and react like a human who's been punched just like, oh, oh, oh, you're out. No, no, get away. I don't want to get you back. I'm telling mom.

I'm not going to get you back. So, yeah. So they just, just got like what was this chip and he's like it's as the power to save the world It's a symbol of freedom. It's we can't really go into details platitudes is really all I've got Yeah, to describe it And then we go back to the cabin for a little bit and everybody's freaking out about the missing people Yeah, and they're looking at why are they looking like they're gonna find missing family members in the overhead compartment and like under the seat. they're like checking the people. Again, again, something we've seen in every one of these fucking movies when your loved one disappears while you're looking at them and their clothes are still there, you

start going, I wonder where they went. Perhaps it's under the chair. They're patting their pockets. No, yeah. What? Cell phone keys, no wife, no wife. And also, okay, this will be the first of about 43 times for the rest of this movie where they basically say,

yes, we know we're ripping off left behind, right? Because people keep saying stuff like, huh, there's nothing but piles of clothes. Let's be high. We are the only ones that are remaining now. Remaining now. Of course, this is where the good guy finds a cross, like a cross necklace on one of the piles of clothes,

and he's like, oh no, all the people who had disappeared were Christians. It's time for me to have another goddamn flashback. Yeah, and this is my favorite part of the movie. Yeah. So he flashes back to the Christian brother again, and the brother's like talking to him about, you know, theology whenever he's like, well, when the time comes, God will reveal his plan to you. Blam, hit it.

Yes. I almost vomit it. I'm laughing so hard. his plan to you. Blame it. He gets it. Yes. Are I all spotted? I'm I take a walk in the middle of the night. I'm

down. There was a spot in this movie with that was like that for me. We haven't gotten to it yet. But yes, the flashback, apparently the flashback he's been having about having dinner with his brother. That was the night

his brother died by getting hit by a car. But they got revealed. And the way they revealed this to us was the most comic way possible, right? Yeah. Bro, don't worry. I'll figure him. I'm never gonna die. Yeah. Some bits. So, so, just off your old girl just comes out and shoots them in the face. You know what this is for. So, just when nobody can figure out what the fuck is going on with act three,

the minister speaks up. Right. And he's like, you remember me from earlier in the movie? Um, just want to say this very natural line. Good works are not enough. Okay. Bye. Bye. I preached it for years, but I never fully accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. Yes. Again, in all of these movies, I have to emphasize this, right? Being a good person doesn't count. It is only about being a Christian, not even those two things in conjunction. Yeah.

She's a very anti-catholic stance. They felt like they had to tell you. Right. Distinguished. I'm weird. 2012 years later, they're like, fuck the Pope. So I love, okay, and Eric Roberts here kind of steps in as everybody's arguing about it.

Are you sure it was the Christian apocalypse? Cause we're mostly Muslim on this plane. So Eric Roberts steps in and he's like, Hey, guys, look, we need to land this plane. Let's not bicker about who raptured who until we're on the fucking ground. So soldier boy and and Eric robbers decided to go discuss how they're going to get into the cockpit. And fat guy is just a part of the movie now. Yes. Like he's part of the planning committee. He's like, I want to blow the door. And fat guy's like, what if we eat the door? Well, it's so good. Yes. That guy's like, I got an

idea. I got an idea. And well, in my experience here, nobody listens to everyone's like, take a shower. But this guy pops up. He's got a big idea and they just literally ignore him entirely. It's like, I got a better suggestion. Pause two, three, four, and then, Dad was like, there might be another way though. And then they're like, oh, you're much thinner than him. Why did you have in mind? He does not say another, no, no, like they think they have this whole thing where he stands out. He's like, I've got an idea. Everyone ignores and we never

find out what that idea was. We never returned to it. It's not like once this fails, he's going to go, it's time to go with my idea, guys, which is what I expected. No, we will never acknowledge this again. Nope. He just, this back in his chair turns to his seatmate. My idea, by the way, in case you were wondering, oh, you're asleep. All right. Well, so yeah. Now the, the plan that the stewardess has, there's a secret hatch to get into the door that you have to climb through the secret tunnels and you have to turn that bookcase around that heath was talking about earlier, whatever with the candlestick, but she's going to guide him through with a little book she has that explains it.

It's so stupid. Why wouldn't she just go down with the little book? He's like, are you guiding with him? Just come down here or give me the man. Why wouldn't she just give me the man? Yeah, what are the other? I like you to walkie talkie. All right.

It's all recorded. It's all covered in reporter down there. I don't want to. Nice skirt messy. So she's now she's on the walkie talkie with him and she's going, okay, so there should be a giant hole in the airplane. Feel around with your hands for gaping hole in the airplane that Feel around with your hands for a gaping hole in the airplane that we're flying in at 500 miles an hour. Do you, do you notice anything slight, slight feel for that? No? Yeah. No, but instead he comes across the secret bulkhead that would get him in except it's been jammed shut by the explosion. Yeah. Twitch. He's like, it's jam shut to which fat guys like I will tear the steel apart with my bear. Yeah.

I feel like what happened with fat guys, he was just an extra and like that morning he lost his wife and he's like, no, no, I can't. But then nobody could say no to him for the rest of the day. They just felt really bad. And they're like, we're going to have to have this in the movie now, guys. Man, we made him buy two seats. Don't. I'm bad about that.

So yeah, so fat guy comes to the rescue. And this is my favorite moment in the history of anything ever. Okay, so the they're trying to pry this bulkhead open and the main character can't quite get it. So fat guy's gonna give it a try. The sound effect they're going for here is prying. But what I heard was farting. So what happened for me in this moment

is the fat guy comes down into this very cramped compartment with three other guys He says, and let me give it a try Splays himself way out and farts for a solid like one squeaky long fart that lasts for 18 seconds Did you just shut yourself? Can you tell? God of the movie. I'm chicken out great podcast. Just listen to God of movies. He told me to.

I thought this guy was going to put the door in his mouth and pull out just a chicken bone. He's so large. It's great. He's like, he's arm angle fat. He's got like so much man, and like man side foods that his arms hang naturally at a crazy at 45. So yeah, they're prying with all their heart. It's not quite getting it.

She's listening on the radio and since it sounds like a big gay orgy going down, she's like, what's listening on the radio and since it sounds like a big gay orgy going down, she's like, what's going on down there? Eric Roberts, meanwhile, is dying to blow up the plane he's in. Oh, Eric Roberts is that guy who instantly wants to get into fight with that other table at Denny's like, let's fuck those. All right, can you let it go? Can we like see how the night goes a little air grabberts before we use a bomb? Yeah, I mean, every time anybody says anything, he's just like, I say we blow up the door with this four sticks to see four over here. So, but they can't pry it open, dammit. So now it's time to have the, you know, whatever the fat guy wisdom moment in the movie. Yep. And I just want to be clear, the action climax right now of this movie is the mechanical

advantage of a crowbar working or not. Yeah. It's like Seth Andrews doing the trailer like in a world where a lever in a full cramine everything. Ork equals force times lever on. So stupid. Oh my god. So and also so the fact I opens this scene by turning to the main character and saying, you've had a rough day partner. I'm like, who on this plane is not having a rough day? It seems kind of petty to compare it, but I feel like the guy who got shot in the leg and his fiancee was murdered kind of wins.

One one teenage girl listening to her book on tape. Best flight ever. So yeah, so that guy is convinced that it was the rapture. The ministers also down there. We already know how he feels. This is yet another opportunity for them to say, it was the rest of us that were left behind again. Yep. Yeah. And the minister literally says this, he goes, look, this is impossible. And it must have been God because only God

can do the impossible. I went, Chris angel to rise out of the floor. Oh, yeah. I'm going to pierce my nipples on this airplane door. Chris, this is not what we look at them. Look at them. We're douche from Jersey. Yeah. Look at me every guy from Jersey somehow now a magician. Yeah, 1990s called they want the state of New Jersey back. Yeah. So and this is also by the way, the moment when soldier boy gets his faith back. Right. And because of that, he's got an idea. They can do it if they all work together.

So yeah, they decide to use faith now. That's the new plan. So he was back to doubt the stuartus ladies like, okay, we're going in and she announces to everybody all excited. She's like, they can do it now. Like what they haven't done any. They've decided to use faith. We're all good.

Yeah. What? Seth comes back on correction. Torque was four times lever arm plus faith. We're all good. Yeah. What? Seth comes back on correction. Torque equals four times lever arm plus faith. And their faith, by the way, is just a battering ram it with heat suitcase. That's what happens to your bag. By the way, if we figure out smashing heat suitcase against the door, hope this guy doesn't keep his microphones in here. Heads bag was destroyed at the airport and we found it very impressive because it was brand new. They fucked up the zippin. They tried to fix it by like zipping one tiny corner of it and they were like, they said everything. I actually

think I fixed it with some pliers. I actually like ran like smashed the zipper back into like approximately. I'm on the treadmill go make friends with pliers. I actually like, like smashed the zipper back into like approximately. The crime on the treadmill go make friends with them. Just be like, Hey, who messed with my bag? Let's talk this out, fellas. Brian Allen. Come on. You remember that picnic basket I brought back earlier? So yeah, so they ran the door open. So now it's time for main character guy to crawl down a long, another long tunnel because, you know, there are several in airplanes. And she's talking him through it again at this point. And this is so amazingly stewardess. I don't think they did this on purpose. But coming from the profession of people that explain to you how

belt buckles work for a living, I love her description of how to turn a door handle at this point, right? You twist the handle that you'll see it's red. And when it's all the way twisted, you'll just push up. That's literally what she, yeah, like I said, I don't, if they done that on purpose, it would have been brilliant comedy, but they didn't. But unfortunately, the hatch won't budge for reasons that we will never explain. Right. But he's going to spray it with the liquid, hear me, hear the words that I'm saying is a problem. Please, he's going to detach the liquid nitrogen that keeps the computer on the airplane cool and spray it at the hatch, which will make it easier to open. What?

And also, kind of scared by this, they can't keep the navigation computers on an airplane cooling off without liquid nitrogen. You're at 30,000 feet. Maybe a fan? Maybe just, it's really fucking cold. Let some air in from 30,000 feet somewhere. Exactly.

Yeah, also I love to at this point while he's trying to figure out what to do. He looks over and he like, he sees the computer that was smushed into the other computer. And he goes, I think I found a radio jamming system. How the fuck would you know that? Right. Or an Nintendo DS that fell. Who the fuck knows? It's one of those two things though. Fuck would you know that right or an Nintendo DS that fell Who the fuck knows? It's one of those two things though and also so he's like I think I'm gonna use this liquid nitrogen to punch through the door

Because that's how doors work and the co-pilot is like dude That's too dumb even for this movie. You can't just unplugged shit from underneath an airplane while it's flying and yet Can you freeze a door open? Is that a thing? Yes. What he does, by the way, the boat is like, whatever you do, don't unplug the liquid nitrogen. He unplugs the liquid nitrogen,

which makes the plane start to sink. Why? Because the airplane is a balloon full of liquid nitrogen. Apparently. And he's letting it all out. He's praising it in the door and then he just plugs it back in. Literally he's just like, all right, done with that. And then the plane goes level.

The plane goes back up. Now the liquid nitrogen is circulating. What the fuck? So when the computers get hot, they know it's time the plane. The computers are programmed to do that And then when they get cool again, they flatten it out. That's the software. I guess oh Yeah, right and like yeah Because you know how it is that I wonder what happens when I disconnect this method always works when you're on a fucking airplane

So he reconnects the cooling system and now the door is cold enough for him to open. He doesn't like, it's not like he's gonna punch through it, right? It's not like it's gonna get so brittle and frozen that he's just gonna punch his way through it. It's just now super cold so he can open it. He just made it smaller by this contraction of the really knows. So this is where he drops his walkie-talkie and now the flight attendant starts to deliver a monologue about how much she likes him. Like he's like, oh, I just want you to know, Chad, I always really like you and I think you're super cool. I love your hair and I don't think your forehead's too big and what those

people said wasn't nice on that podcast Who is now decided like well he's dead is gonna blow up the door right yes He's gonna blow up the door. This is literally what he says. He says all right. I'll set it for two minutes in three Yeah, and then he opens the door. He like, no, don't set the timer for two minutes. I'll set the timer for two minutes in three, two, no. That's in 2019. No, they don't even get that. They don't even get to that.

No, and that's the other thing is it's supposed to be suspenseful with them. Count down the three to one. But yeah, you'd still have two fucking minutes. Jesus people, which of course you could tell because of the giant digital displays that they have on all bombs. Yeah, so the main character has managed to get into the frozen cockpit. They have the radio now. So now all the characters that we know can go into the cockpit together and listen to rapture post rapture radio. Yep. That's not a podcast, by the way. That's what's going on. And also at this point, he tells everybody, oh, by the way, while I was down

there, you know, freezing this door open, I found a bomb that will explode if the plane goes below 3,000 feet. It's speed, but with height. It's height. It's a new movie now. That's the movie. Yes. The movie is now about a plane that cannot go below a certain height. But that's okay, because it will instantly be dismissed. The purpose is like, oh, yeah, just throw it the fuck out of the plane. And they're like, yeah, that's okay because it will instantly be dismissed. The politicians, like, oh, yeah, just throw out the fuck out of the plane. And they're like, yeah, that's a great idea, actually. Why didn't we think of that? So yeah, so they have to throw it out of the back door that opens in the plane.

But how will they get it past all the passengers without them freaking out? That's the new drama. It's like rolling a very small bomb device inside the drink cart. So nobody pant like nobody would, people would not help with getting rid of the bomb here. They'd freak out and block them. Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. You think you could go like, okay, guys, bad news. There's a bomb on the plane. Good news. We're about to throw it out of the plane. We have several minutes to do that. I wanted to so badly to be walking through the aisle just like cookies, drinks. Oh, do you have any bombs left? Oh no, I can totally

see you have a bomb left. No, we're not allowed to give those out. It's for the next flight. God, this is so, but just get more bombs when you're in between flights. I need the This is where like the the movie seems to remember At least for a brief second that the main bad guy is still alive. He's not Operating So, yeah, literally Indians, my plot didn't go the while. I wanted to and now the movie's been about four different things that were about me. So, me, so, that's shot at him.

And also, so as the main characters wander through, right, he's about to throw the plane out. The minister stops him and says, Hey, just in case you had figured this out yet from the cover art and everything, that ship inside you is the mark of the beast. And he literally stands up and goes, I know this sounds crazy. And I wanted him to be like, but I have a lot of plastic silverware in my butt right now.

There is no plastic silverware anywhere on this plane, but inside me. All right. Have a good time throwing that bomb up the plane. So yeah, so okay. So Eric Robert, soldier boy in the stewardess lady, are about to throw the bomb. And I love to, Eric Robert's part of this seems to be, to be snarky. Yep. Right? Like that's the function that he serves here is just to like, you know, throw out a little shade as they are tossing

the bomb out. Right. They toss the bomb out and he's like, you guys make a good team. And he's like, all right, thank you. Why are you here? Could have helped too. And now the plot of the movie changes again. Yep, because that was too easy. Right. So Chad's like, all right, I'm going to jump out of the plane now because I don't, I don't want you to bring this microchip to Germany. And Eric Roberts is like, I'm a bad guy.

And I, yes, the same side as the guys who have been killing us throughout the movie. What? Yeah. This is a revelation. I. Yeah. So, right. So he also has a gun, apparently, and he's threatened to kill the girl if she doesn't

throw all the parachutes out of the plane right now. But just then the plane turns, and as we learned earlier, good guys get a tactical advantage over bad guys with guns when planes turn. So now it's time to fight. Right. And you get the exact kind of fight scene you expect when you can't afford a stuntman for your 66 year old bad guy. Yeah. And you know what's an exciting weapon for a fight scene here? What's that? Um, laptop bag. I would say.

Yeah. The big one. So the new that pushes a laptop bag into the chest of Eric Robert. Roll, punch, roll, roll, punch. They might as well do the stabbing thing with the laptop. Look at these zipper compartments, look at them. So after about 110 seconds of their best impersonation of me and Heath doing an impersonation of a sex scene, she grabs the gun.

Yeah, because she's just still there. No one's accounted for her. And she's like, everybody resolve the plot. Please. Yeah. So and then he takes the gun and he's about to shoot air robbers, but he just can't bring himself to do it. So he knocks him unconscious with the gun, but then he wakes up pretty much immediately afterwards to warn them that his guys are going to be waiting for him at the airport, no matter what. Yeah, and I'll tell you, if you jump out of this plane, she's going to jail.

He's like assisting a fugitive, attacking a government agent. And it's like, are you part of the government? I thought you were a Vante. No, I'm a, now I'm a government. It's, don't jump out of the plane. Which government, which government? We're in Germany or actually, no of the plane, which government, which government were in Germany or actually, no, the plane turned back to Thailand too. That's the other thing too.

He's like, my guys are waiting for you at the airport. They're like, really? Cause they turned the plane around. It's not landing where they, your guys expected it to, we don't have a radio to tell them about it. But if the computer gets hot, then it goes to America, maybe I don't. It's a weird computer system.

So, yeah. So now, because they only have one parachute, now the two of them have to parachute out together him and the stewardess. And Eric Grabbers is like, I will find you in the sequel, motherfucker. And then they jump out of the plane. Can you? But they share one parachute and he just like with his arms grabs her and holds her through the parachute release, like could you do that?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sure that would be easy to hold a hundred and forty pound woman as you were parachute. Yeah, no, that would be no problem. They wait, doesn't really matter for parachutes as it turns out. Yeah. Okay. So now and also by the way, the main bad guy who was sitting Indian style all mopey earlier comes down to where Eric Roberts is at this point and he's like, you lost him, didn't

you? As if to say that the two of these guys have been in on it together the whole time, right? Yep. Yep. So his plan was to kill the other guys that were trying to do. Why did they just if Eric Roberts already had him and they wanted him, why would they have to do anything? That's what the 500,000 euros was for. I get. That's why he got so confused by the biometric thing and he got

started saying, dude, I thought you were on my team. That made sense. What's going on? Tag back. You said. So all right. So. So now we get one more scene with the anti-Christ, you know, this is where the the head of the world calls him and asks if he'd like to be the head of the world basically. Right. Would you like to be the anti-Christ? Ooh.

Um, can I have a weekend to think about it? Yeah. No, absolutely. Take the, take the week. Come check out the office. It's nice. And the bad guy literally looks, this is how little this movie makes sense because the movie was like, oh, shit, that dragon thing for the beginning. So the bad guy looks into the middle distance and he's like, the dragons stood on the shore of the sea. Yeah, just, just like today.

Just like today. I wanted one of the TVs to show a dragon at the beach just like, oh, water's cold. No. No. But meanwhile, we cut back to Chad and Dow who are suspended in front of a green screen with a fan. I mean, parachuting down into Thailand. And she asks at this point, this is so fucking bizarre to me. She turns to him and she goes, why didn't you kill Eric Roberts with that gun? And his answer isn't, because I'm not a fucking monster, you evil bitch.

Why would you wonder about that? I wanted to do that for their entire sequel, just like, why didn't you kill that woman who served us at that star by? I should have gotten to know you better before I jumped out of a plane with you. This is weird. Yeah, but his answer instead is because only Christians don't kill people and I'm Christian now credits. All right. So of the many disappointing aspects of this movie is that despite its poster and the fucking title and the credits, UPC symbols never came up as bullshit. I was ready for good conspiracy theory. And I got nothing.

But clearly the Christian market tears have recognized the amazing levels of crossover between conspiracy theorists, people who watch their dumb ass movies. So to close up the review tonight, I thought I'd ask you this. What conspiracy theory would you most like to see undergirding a Christian movie? Oh, all right. I'm going to say it's called top spin and bottom spin, the Comet ping pong story. I like it. Maybe a little false flag that got some presidential attention. Sandy hooked on phonics. The truth is out there. They didn't actually kill those kids. It was just a fire

drill and then they, it was actually a secret government training facility that they built an elementary school. I don't want to get into it here. And while that does it for a review of the Mark one sentence too late, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you all fired up for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. No, it, breaking races. Yeah, no, I won't be here to, um, to keep anything from being said, who the fuck knows what's going to happen?

But what movie will you guys be breaking down? The Mark II redemption, we might mention it once or twice. No, most of the fart noises. That's a lot of M and enemies lists are going to get No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You don't like the race stuff next week. We are going to rank the shit out of some races. Absolutely. Chinese people. Six minute episode to look forward to.

Are we going to go one with, all right, no, we'll get to it next week. We'll get to next week. Absolutely. You think to the best, I didn't do an honest one. So with that ultimately nine minute fully edited episode to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 101 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at

patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. And you can also help us a ton by living as a five star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating ADS, the Skeptocrat and citation needed available on iTunes and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew

Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Viva Lidraff, Son Mars, all other music was written and performed by our Audiengir Morgan Clarkick was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, in Eli Bosnichom and Illusion's promise to work harder on another chunk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club quote. 9. 9. Main bad guy finally remembered his Adderall and started doing evil stuff again. Good for him. 9.

Surprise fat guy died of a heart attack seconds after the crowbar scene. 9. Next week's episode had 4 minutes of usable content. And bros. The marketing on the racist eyeball monster alone. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.