God Awful Movies - 102: GAM102 The Mark 2: Redemption

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli Bosnick and Heath Enwright take full advantage of Noah's absence in an atheist review of The Mark 2: Redemption. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guásville, Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es sin parque sur. That does mean if there's ever a global economic collapse and someone tries to fix it, some asshole who watched these movies will be like, that's the motherfucker rat there. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I mean like seven movies about this.

We have to like break into his lair with parkour and kill him. Hehehehe. Uh... Just someone trying to do a cartwheel into Obama's home just... Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Oh God! I sprained my sad!

Hehehehe! God awful! Movie! Movie! Movie! movie movie And welcome back to God awful movies for each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema Because Noah said no dessert if we did a show about our favorite races while he was gone I'm your host Heathen right this week and sitting to my immediate left is a a diabetic cat and

sitting 81 miles to my right is a pre diabetic human Eli Bosnick Eli, how your feet feeling this fine afternoon still attached. Morton still attached weird, braggie way to open the show. But yeah, still attached. Can feel all my toes. Most of the time. Excellent. Excellent. Good to hear.

It's important to keep track of your feet. I saw that in the commercial. And speaking of people without feet, we gave it away already. That's something Noah says. So I'm going to do it. So he tell us what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched the Mark II redemption.

It's supposed to be the sequel to the Mark that we watched last week and continue the story of a guy with a microchip inside his arm trying to keep it out of it's also the story of one of the writers getting caught at a whorehouse in Bangkok pretending he was doing research for the movie and writing in a whole extra plot about that to get away with it, which makes no goddamn sense and ruins the narrative, which was already terrible. I hated this movie so much. It's the, oh my God. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you've watched 102 Christian movies and you're not sure if you're trapped in a heroin nod somewhere between waking and sleeping, you will love this movie. Oh, I got this movie. So this movie was what I

expected last week's movie to be, right? Surprise fat guy brought it home for us. And then there was the guy from the expendables and Eric Roberts, but this movie, every single beat of every single movie we've ever watched from bad action to bad, it was painful, painful. Yeah. It was the absolute worst like I hated every one of the 94 minutes in this entire movie I hated watching it it was it was so unpleasant to watch I took multiple exercise break like like cardio I don't do that I ran I biked I chose sweaty weezy half vomiting over continuing to watch this movie several

times. So yeah, just in case we want to stop in the middle of the review and do something entirely different, do you have any ideas for just, I don't know, like other topics of discussion, anything really or, you know, maybe some stuff we could rank, whatever. Well, I'm glad you asked, Steve. It's weird. he's not here to stop us. Oh, yeah, you were what you were waiting. Oh, no, go ahead. All right. Well, there's And then I guess there's Going into an order or is that just off the top? I'm trying to list them all I mentioned really that just off the top of your head in any way. I'm trying to list them all. There's good. Good. I mentioned really, I know you did say you did.

Fuck all. Just fucking right in the. Jesus. All right, those were some wonderful, wonderful ideas. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this movie for being the best at being the worst at? Yes, I'm going to go with best worst compliment. Uh, we're going to get to it.

Uh, but at one point in this movie, the third creepiest thing a human has ever said to another human will be uttered as a compliment. Oh, it's fantastic. And they had no idea. No, they had no idea. They were psyched when they wrote that. Absolutely. Oh, that's going to convey.

You know the woman who was walking by the writers room was like, aw, that's sweet. Yep. All right, we'll get there. It's going to be glorious. I'm going to go with best, worst'll get there. It's gonna be glorious. I'm gonna go with best worst understanding of fire. So for some reason, the rapture in this movie caused infinite fires everywhere. But they never spread.

They just burn forever in one place. Or get put out. Yeah, basically according to this movie, Christian people are pretty much constantly lighting the area next to their windows on fire and then putting it out. So when they get raptured, it doesn't get put out, but it never spread. The fire is nonsense. And we see a lot of it. We do.

And I have a fan theory here, which is that those fires we see throughout the movie, atheist spawn fires, celebrations. The only reason they wouldn't be put out is everyone's on top of the skyscrapers roasted marshmallows, have an anal sex. That does make more sense. It seems like the rapture would be pretty awesome. There'd be like a short period of like, I look crazy. Like 200 million people died or whatever, but I feel like it'd be all positive after that, right? Let me, let me counter your point here, Heath. Name a Christian you would miss. I post.

All right, I tried to name a Christian real fast. All I could think of was the Pope wouldn't miss him. There you go. Our question tells. Excellent. Well, this sooner we get going with the next segment. the sooner this piece of shit is out of my life. So, we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll tell you all about the 94 minutes of drug relapse level heinous, that is the Mark II redemption.

Hi, I'm a Heathenwright, and I'm Eli Bosnick. No, it isn't here this week, so that gives us the chance to do something we don't normally do. Thank you for money. That's right. See, Noah's always believed that a quick reminder about Patreon at the end of the show or a joke in the middle is a classy way to remind you that you can support us. That's because he's old and doesn't need money anymore. He also doesn't need food. He sure doesn't. But now that he's not here,

we'd like to throw that class right the fuck in the garbage and ask you, no. Thank you. To pledge his little as a dollar over at patreon.com forward slash God awful. Please. Pretty please. Pretty. Pretty please. If just 10% of the people who listen to this episode pledged only a dollar, we'd have so much fucking money. So much money. And we know not all of you could afford to give. And to you, we say, gross. Gross indeed. But if you can, please, give us your money. We really, really need your money. We do, we need that money.

You want a commercial free version of the show? That's just a dollar. You want more than a dozen bonus reviews of secular movies like Batman v Superman and Star Wars Episode 1 of fucking dollar, but most importantly You'll be giving us money and two thirds of this podcast needs money a lot of money You would absolutely not let us do this if he wasn't on vacation sure wouldn't Give us your money give it to us please money Please this is our only chance for like five years to ask for this. Please money

No, if you give us enough And we're back and I I hate it already just thinking about it Movie starts with a recap of the first one. Basically last week on episode one of what we obviously wrote as a TV show originally some stuff happened. All right, so can I try to catch everyone up here? Oh, please do he. Please do. We don't want anyone feeling left out of the mark too. Wouldn't want to be lost in this plot indeed. Secret of the not Jews. All right, so hop in, by the way, if you have anything that needs to

said, so this guy Chad got the first microchip implant thing, giving him the superhuman power of no swipe purchasing or something. Chad gets on an airplane with the chip in his arm headed to the G20 summit in Berlin, where the Avanti Corporation is going to reveal their new technology. At the same time, this European evil guy is hoping to take over the world, so he hires Australian evil guy to steal the chip for him and also hijack the entire plane for some reason. That's the best way to steal a small, big sense. Yeah, it's a good plan. And then while they're still on the plane, the rapture happens and all the Christian people in the world disappear into heaven and all the kids under a certain age.

Meanwhile, the bad guys realize the chip is biometric, which is a word. The movie thinks means alive it does not so they can't just cut it out of Chad's arm because the chip will die and he'll die or something so they call like time out on the hijacking and just sulk for a while and that's when Chad and the stewardess he's trying to fuck her name is Dow they decide to parachute out of the plane over Thailand and become post rapture fugitives. That's where we leave off. Did I miss anything important from this amazing plot? They've set up a fat guy. There was a fat guy last week. He knew Karate. There was a, I miss how he would have pronounced it if you asked him. I miss fat guys so much.

Oh, let's get a fat guy. Can we put together a little fat guy montage, like an unpopular kid who died? Can we, in the yearbook? Maybe we just, but those his parents took, and we just talk about him for the rest of this episode. I really, really don't want to talk about this movie.

Let's do it. God damn it. All right, we're gonna get in trouble. Fine. All really, really don't want to talk about this movie. Let's do it. God damn it. All right, we're going to get in trouble. Fine. All right. So, uh, so they, they land the parachute that they shared, by the way, and now they're, uh, bearing those couples, and other in Bangkok, on the run from the Avanti Corporation, also an international super villain, and also somehow the government of somewhere or something. Right. And we should point out that this is the fakesitties. Right.

A cardboard cutout of a city with like a visible guy holding it would have been way less distracting and terrible than this green screen that they quote unquote parachute into. Yeah. They landed a field right next to a large painting of a burning city who knows what's on the other side of that painting. It could have been bad, but they're on the front of it. So they're on the front of Detroit.

So it's good. And then they go, they go get a car to run away. And they, they, they're supposed to break the window of this car, but it's obvious this movie just not have the budget to break a fake window. So it's just him looking at the car. And then we hear like, like they couldn't afford the breaking glass sound that's how cheap it was they just like hit a wind chime extra hard and they were like that'll be fine that's fine that'll do it yeah so they find a car that says break glass and case of emergency on the car and they get it in and they start driving away

and then we get a little bit of opening credit stuff. By the way, produced by Michael Scott. That would explain a lot if it was off his Michael Scott. Yeah, this is pretty close to what Michael Scott would have made. So it makes sense. Oh, yeah, the whole first scene is like Michael Scott doing improv. It's like freeze, Michael Scott and FBI gunfight, just immediately. First thing that happened.

Pube, Pube. Yeah, the bad guys are chasing them. And the other car, he shoots at the other car and it explodes for no reason Right, he's just like he shoots and And then the there is a group of bad guys like all near a barrel and like a literal fucking video game He shoots the barrel near them and all the bad guys die It's like fucking golden., expected him to snipe someone in the dick. And we said no odd jobs.

Odd job was good. You could duck and you get under your stuff. Yeah. Golden eye. Good times. Yeah. So also one other detail for the credits, by the way, written by David AR white as David white. Yeah, I guess they didn't like the screenplay from part one. So they got, you know, famous script doctor, David A.R. White to fix it. And I would explain why so much of this movie we've seen before. Yeah, it really, really does. So yeah, all right, they explode a bunch of the bad guys. There's only a few left.

So they start running away and oh my god they run away so bad they hold hands and run away it's so they look like a couple learning to ice skate for the first time running away from guys with automatic weapons it's fantastic I wanted them to stop and have that two clingy couple why did you let go of my hand fight? No, it's fucking fine. If you don't want to hold my hand, no, Barry, my fucking love you. It's just like, we're running away and they're shooting at us, babe. No, it's fucking fine.

Like I get it when it matters. You don't want to hold my, baby, I fucking love you. Let's go to John Budges and have a noisy fight in front of Eli while he tries to eat a smoothie that he thinks is healthy. Come on, babe. We'll end it with a violent make-out decision because Prit sure includes penetration. Ben!

Ben! Yep, so all of that would have been so much better than what actually happens that would have been delightful to watch compared to the movie itself. So they run away somehow from everybody that's left and then there's a flash of light for no reason. I wasn't sure what was happening. And then we cut over to a voice over of the news and a title card with a Bible quote. It says, uh, Revelation 13.5 and it gives us a quote, but these people are fucking stupid. So they actually got the wrong verse. They, they give us a verse that's not revelation 13.5. Yeah, I looked it up. It's, they give us the verse about how they're supposed to be a literal dragon at, during,

you know, post rapture, which means I'm thinking, all right, well, we're going to see a ridiculous close-up of a plastic action figure at some point. Or these idiots remind us about something they obviously can't afford. and it's actually the latter. Oh, I am so disappointed. It's not an actual drag. It's just the dragon giving a speech at the G20. I'm sorry, I just ate a bunch of people. We must join together in unity. I'm a dragon. Question. Are you a dragon? I'm that kind of yellow journalism is not not appropriate right now. All right. Try just ate a bunch of antifa people.

Nobody thanked me. Johnny, unify the currency that fixes things somehow. Yeah. So I was thinking maybe I could sit on it. No, we don't like that. All right. Just throw it. Nope. We don't like that. All right. Just throw ideas out there. Note that. Note that. Maybe we'll come back to it.

All right. Note it. Pin in that. Pin in that. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold.

Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of gold. Pile of that. None of that. That's what happens in our sequel to God Offal movie, which you will be able to fund on GoFundMe if Noah doesn't have any due sentence out of the episode. Yeah, so yeah, again, none of the good stuff that we're going to make up ever happens. Instead, we see New York City. It's four hours after the rapture. And I was sure I was like, Oh, New York City after the rapture,

it's going to be completely normal. Just nobody, it's going to be, it's going to be David A.R. White's idea of a typical day in New York City, just a street full of rabbis doing Jewish stuff, drinking out of red Starbucks cups and being Jewish. But I would, I would love in one of these Christian movies for it to be like Jerusalem and everything's on fire and they're screaming. And then it's like Salt Lake City, everything's burning and screaming down. New York City and someone's just like, it feels less crowded, right? Like not a lot like slightly. I caught my train slightly faster commute today. Yeah, like two percent faster. I like it here. It feels nice

All of upstate New York is on fire in just a circle around the city. I Hope we're doing some environmental legislation today. Cool. Yeah. Yeah Nice past unanimously again weird. Huh today's a good day. This is fun. I like today Yes, so we see the orc and then we see evil European guy, Philip Turk. And he's watching his evil guy wall of TVs. That guys will not change channels. They have to have a wall of TVs. And I want to point out that if there was a guy named Philip Turk with a Y, by the way, Philip with a Y Turk, who was the anti-Christ, the worst thing about him would be being named Philip with a Y. Still, if he was the anti-Christ, Philip, I'd be like, oh, fine, you're the newborn son

here to conquer God's kingdom. But with a Y, what did your parents conceive you at Bonnarou? Gross. So we learned from the news here that the Avanti Corporation, who invented the chip thing, they're shut down now because they're CEO, that's Eric Roberts from the first movie. He's missing. And then somebody comes in to Philip Terk's office and they say we're evacuating the building because of the the rapture or whatever. So we get some the elevator with some lady he works with and they get into the dumbest fight about the word tragic. It's so sloppy. He's supposed to be threatening her, right?

She goes, he's like, she's like, oh, I see our competition has had a tragic downfall. And he's like, no, tragic is what I'll do to you. If there ever were a time, I'll tell you, we are, fuck, tragic is when you want the bounty guard in the back to be like, you want to take that again, guys? We got this elevator all afternoon. You don't have to stumble over a sentence like a 19 like a 19 year old trying to propose over celebrate at prom. Yeah, just. So they're arguing about tragic is actually just a horribly written

gimmick to get 20 minutes of exposition in there, stumbling, awful exposition. And they get out of the elevator, they walk into the the parking garage and all of a sudden two guys with guns try to mug Mr. Turk and the crew and take the car that's right but he uses this anti-Christ powers to give them a pep talk he has to do it like christ anzal the black magic mentalist like

you're uncertain you have recurring nightmares about a snake it often becomes sexual was prog the city you were thinking of great now shoot each other and they like trick some in next day She's right. He's like are you really mad at me or you mad at him? They instantly get in a gunfight and both types like watching youtubers fight. It's phenomenal I heard he said you were fat and the takedown videos begin Back to audio podcast. And literally, there's a scene right after this where the he and the lady are riding in the car, like in awkward silence. And I want her to be like, so that's nice that that worked out. Then then to shooting each other thing. Cool. That was good.

Cool. That was useful to our plot. So the hungry yet. I could eat, but I'm not hungry. I get it. I get it. You let me know when you're hungry. We're on the way to the airport. I feel like there's going to be stuff at the airport. We can get you to the airport stuff.

I just hate the airport. I like to be early. I like to be early. Me too. Me too. And I'm the anti-Christ. So I just go, I'm TSA pre-check. Just go right there. I'm the anti-air. We try to get LaGuardia. We're going to JFK. It's going to be extra traffic. Yeah. Probably better. All right. All right. We'll eat at the airport. Good talk. That's what happens. They go to the airport and we see JFK airport on fire, but planes are taking off no problem anyway. No, brum. I planes can't take off of it.

Fucking reigns. But apparently if you're the anti-Christ, you just take off through a fucking hoop of fire. That's what they're doing. A little wringling, bro stuff. Now that it's closed down, they just take off the antichrist's plane through it. Yeah. All right. So they take off and then we cut over to Bangkok 10 hours later and Chad and Dow are like,

all right, well, we got to get out of here. And he's like, yeah, we can't stay in one place for too long because of the tracker. So apparently he thinks the GPS tracker in his arm is fooled by moving. Yeah, it would not be a great GPS tracker for the record. If every time you moved, it was like, we got to wait for him to hold still again. It's like a like a tile thing. We're going to hope someone with Bluetooth walks by and then someone has located your human slave. Oh nice. And anonymous. Thank you. Yeah. And so they start running some more and they're doing at this point a voiceover for themselves while they look for a card of steel. Like they couldn't just be talk like they

tried to do a walk and talk and the actors were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you get one or the other. We are idiots. One at a time. We searched everywhere for a card. Yeah. So then we, we cut over to Mr. Turk again and he's arriving in Berlin for the G20 summit. And he calls Joe Pike. That's the name of the evil Australian guy that he hired to steal the chip from Chad.

Mm-hmm. And they basically have like a little threatening back and forth thing. And what I love about this movie is the guy who plays Mr. Pike. He's a real actor. He was in the expendables. He's been in action movies. I don't know how he ended up in this just like a bad weekend and his cousin was like, come on, you'll love acting. He was like, all right, fine. So all of his lines are that he doesn't believe in this movie because he's like, tell me, Mr. Pike, do you believe in God? And he's like, I believe in money. And I like to think that that's about this movie. He's just like, no, I just wanted, come on man, Seg After, and he's been health insurance free here.

So the evil European guy's on the phone with Joe Pike and he's talking about how he has to get him the chip. He says, he threatens him. He says if Vonti gets the chip before me, you don't get paid. And Joe Pike is like, is that a threat? The European guy, Philip Turks, like, I don't bowed well with such trivial things as threats. And that's a nonsense sentence that makes no sense because David A.R.

White is borderline illiterate. Yeah. I will not abide a dance party known as up down all the rounds per se Ibid. Nope, none of that none of that in conjunction. Yeah. Is the scene over? It should have been, but I mean words now instead of being over, they get into this really weird, like philosophical conversation where they're talking about like, you think God gave us each a purpose? Let's have a long talk. We're bad guys. It's just twirling the spirally cord of the phone around his finger. No, you hang up.

Do you think there's a heaven? Okay, maybe we just focus on our evil plot for now. Great. Cool So your favorite movie You're a weird impilia. Can I say that this is weird? So yeah, they they've finished up their phone call and Chat and dour driving and listening to the the rapture news on the radio. Yeah, one of the things we hear is that Vatican City and the US Bible belt were hit really hard everywhere else.

Again, pretty much the same. New York City, Jewish, Eli Bosnick, your Jew, like in my example, say it. Totally fine. Just saying totally fine, but you wait you wait till movie three, which we're not gonna make that's That's when they'll know And we should explain Chad's plan now is that he wants to go to his brothers old house His brother had a house in Thailand and he thinks his parents are there because they go there On the anniversary of the day he died. Yeah, the dead brother has a house that he died and now the parents, like, do they just

bother the new owners to like, hey, you don't know us. Can we have weepy sex in your bedroom for a little bit? And that turned into like an annual thing now that they did. Yeah, I get it. You know how it's like you start getting together with your buddies just before Thanksgiving and then becomes a yearly thing, but then you don't really wanna hang out with them anymore and get sadder and sadder.

It's like the awkward TGI Fridays, the fifth year in a row with people you don't like anymore, but with your dead child is what I'm saying. That's what this tradition is like. And now, by the way, totally unsuddley is just like, well, you know, your parents might have been stolen and sent to heaven. So consider this is a dumb thing for us to do. They're probably going to look for us.

They are also in addition to them not being there probably. Yeah, he doesn't care. So that's where they're going. And now we cut over to Joe Pike beating up Eric Roberts, who he has in captivity in a cage at their warehouse, the Lair thing. And apparently they're not on the same side anymore. What? Wait, yeah, wasn't you are on their team at the end of the last one. But I thought so. Wasn't that a reveal? I think the movie got confused by its own plot. I have no idea what's happening right now.

Also, I just weird side note. I feel like punching is a bad way to torture. Because aren't you going to just like, eh, knock him out. Like I feel like there's just more punching in store, right? Like it's not, you're just like, I'll continue the punching. I did leg tell me whatever. Indian burn, Indian burn, where's the micro chip? He starts spitting into his mouth like an older brother.

That would be better than punching. So, see, he's beat up Eric Roberts, not sure why really nothing happens for a reason as far as I could tell. Then, computer nerd shows up with some henchman that he was told to gather. And we get the, they get their own intro screens. These characters, by the way, don't bother caring about them at all, because all of them will have the exact same thing. They will all walk into a room that Chad is in. Chad will do a lazy white guy fat guy karate chop near their arm and this obvious train stuntman who wanted to break in movies will throw himself in like a sideways flip into

a set of stairs and will not be in the movie anymore. But this is where we meet them. There's Jackson, Draka, AKA the stalker. The stalker. Yep. And, uh, by the way, we get like a little baseball card shot of like their profile and their stats and whatever. So that's how we know their nickname.

And also this guy, the stalker was dishonorably discharged for espionage and sexual assault. So like both, he spied and raped at the same time and they discharged him from the US army. Dude, what did you do to this fuss? Spiraked it. Spiraked it. Spiraked it. You gave it to the Russians and you fucked it.

What did we say? What did we say? You're the second worst next to Snowden. So yeah, we've got him. We've got bloody Barry. Yep. And then the last guy will do on the nose Lucifer. And his real name is Damian, Dash, aka Lucifer, yeah, very, very subtle. David A.R. White, excellent writer. So joke bike goes up to these three new henchmen and he offers them 5 million euro to find Chad, which seems excessive, 5 million to do this one thing. And also seems like a bad idea.

He's like, all right, one, two, three, go. And race. Like, like, did to go by chat. Yeah, that doesn't seem like the best way to get your people to work well together. Isn't their first option then going to be like, oh, fuck Steve caught him. I got to kill Steve now. And then get the guys as a whole thing. One of them just dive stabs another one throws a bookcase down and pushes the guy runs away. Yeah. And there's there's this incredible moment at the very end of the scene. He goes any questions, then what are you still doing here? And that's just a movie trope, but in a movie trope, he goes any questions, and there's a pause, and then he goes, then what are you still doing

here? And everyone scrambles out of the the way But these characters are all holding still just staring at him So all of the characters are just like I mean It's been like a second like did you want you wanted me to like explode out of the room the moment you were done What if I had a question? I don't you see maybe I still do feel It's just this perfect awkward moment at the end of the scene It's fantastic guys the bad guys run out to do their thing. And then we cut over to locking Eric Roberts in a cage in the room right next to their like evil guy computer room where they say all their plans out loud. So Eric Roberts can hear them and like taunt

them throughout the movie. That's his entire role as far as I can tell us to just be like, oh, is that what you're going to do? I could come up with something if I wanted to, but I won't. Oh, yeah. The rest of this movie will just be Eric Roberts being a psychic and announcing where the rest of the movie takes place. It's like, oh, well, if I wanted to create conflict in my sloppy written movie, I would know that his brother had a best friend who always loved that Chinese place down the street. And that waitress has a safehouse. Yep, I know be conflict there. Yeah, so that from there we see one of the three henchmen, the spy rapist one.

And he has apparently just teleported to the random building where Chad and Dow found that car most recently. And he's talking to the guy that saw them steal it. How? How in any way possible?pable would he have known that area where they were? Any of that. Talk to that, any of that. No reason. Yeah.

Okay. None of this makes sense, right? It's not like I had no idea what was happening. You also agree that none of this makes sense. None of it. Okay. Zero. All right.

Excellent. So we see the the henchman guy get a beat on them somehow. Then we're back to watching people drive again. And like if we're going to we watch a lot of driving at least give us a driving game if we're going to watch this in real time. Alright, is it a is it a person place or thing thing? Thing terrible CGI fire. Yes.

I'm a CGI fire. All right, I'm thinking of an anti-crash. I'm going on a picnic, going on a picnic. My little sister's a sex slave. Right, because that is what happens is these two characters seem bored. And she's like, um, I was thinking I could introduce a weird subplot to the movie that will never matter, except for this movie was 60 minutes and we needed 90. Yep. So we learned that Dow had a little sister named Malee,

mom died giving birth to Malee, and then Dow's dad started drinking and gambling and he gambled away the little sister to a gang. He gambled away the little sister. He's like, what's that image? How does that look like? He's at a casino and he's, he's just like throws her on the roulette table like, all right, cash and people play like no, no, no,

stand on top of that other girl. Me and her dad both big and green untouched. Just get on the same shoulders, shoulders, shoulders, don't know what you mean. Just chicken fighting a girl on red. That's not a racist thing. That's a pool game. I can already hear people being mad, but it's just a pool game. All right, relax. I'm sorry you didn't have a pool growing up, but it's a fun, fun activity that we rich people did while you sprayed each other with a hose that was also your drinking water or whatever you all did. But it's not. And you're racist for thinking chicken and Asian people was related that that was racist of you guys.

Double patreon.com slash God awful. A power j accepted. Yes, so the triad gang, by the way, is who we're talking about the triads apparently take Mali to be a prostitute because of this gambling and chance listening to this story. He's driving and he you see his face. He literally almost falls asleep at the wheel during her tragic story of a sister becoming a prostitute slave. Yes, I honestly, I wanted to be like, I'm so sorry, I wasn't listening. What you have a sister, we should go visit her. It seems really nice. I wanted Molly to turn out to hit Chad's brother with the car and then the whole

movie is full circle but no spoilers. So they keep driving for like way too long and then they're finally arriving somewhere. And I was actually super convenient because they pull up right next to a news crew Explaining more stuff about this movie which works in English no less That the Bangkok news is in English Yeah, and they're telling us that the rapture took lots of people Regardless of race gender or class now just real, if the rapture was done by race, who do you think God brings to heaven first? Lion King. Okay, let's get into it. Obviously, Arabs are first.

There's definitely the most religious, right? Okay, but I mean like best people, like the best who he wants to hang out with. No, you like you, like you gently, like who do you want DNA wise and the cool and the best races who is the best race. All right, you flip it around on me because well, here's the thing God loves the Jews, but you don't want Jews hanging around. Right. Yeah, there's a new covenant though. I don't know if the Jews have it anymore.

Did you have you not read so the Mormons he brings the Mormons. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. So white people were saying Oh, okay. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. So white people, we're saying white people. White. Yeah, white. Okay. Got it. Got it. Cool. So the movie, no, and this is this age of accountability thing, right? Where they're trying to apologize because it's a rapture when we got lots of sad people

just like holding up baby blankets, but like, they don't have the age. He's just like, oh, the babies and kids of a certain age. They're got, like, they haven't figured out enough. They couldn't check. This is like, everybody's gone. Be like, how, what's the youngest kid that you have? Got it. Okay.

Who's got a six year old? All right no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What about those again? What if you get like a baby antrotores, right? And he was at Harvard when he was like,

eight, going to law school. So that was accountable. I feel like that's accountable. Also, what about people who have learning disabilities? Like, I, oh, you know what I'm saying? Let's dig into it, all right? And the movie's bringing it up Right you're learning disabilities in order of superiority autism. Okay. That's the best

That's the best one because they can computer and piano right and they're good at roulette 80 D those ones are fun. Yeah, yeah, and you get you get the adder all So that's good depressive that's a fun drug. Okay, we're gonna say depressive third. Third. Okay, bronze bronze metal depressives. Be happy. Be happy. Drone's metal guys. For once. Just be satisfied. The problem, but here's the thing that brings up the question of because if you're doing the baby thing, right, and you have someone with a disability who has a mind of a child, but then you have a super smart baby,

do they go to heaven at the same time, or do they is the person with the learning disability? How disabled can your learning be before you go to heaven? You guys need to write a chapter on this to make it all clear. Let us know how disabled you think you should be to go to heaven or if you'd like us to write the chapter next goal, maybe we write

the new chapter of the Bible and you got to put it in. Absolutely. Right a new Bible. We'll dig your own calm forward slash new Bible. And also this scene ends in the weirdest way. Now ends the scene when she went after he explains the like age of thing. She just goes, man, I wish my sister was dead. Like, wouldn't that be nice? I hope she's Christian and dead and not alive now. Yep.

Yep. They get that wrong later. They get the so apparently they understand that concept here, but they do not understand it later. It's very confusing. So from there, we cut over to the G20 summit in Berlin, where we see a shot of the city, apparently a laser vulture recently attacked Berlin. And then we zoom in on the multinational council.

And you can tell it's multinational because everyone has a different accent. There's an Arab and an African guy, which is movie for you. Exactly. So, uh, they're all being multinational in a tiny little room. There's six of them. There are six people there. Six nations represented in the evil European guy walks in. Can we just say he's the anti Christ, right? Yeah, he's the anti. Okay, so evil European guy, anti Christ walks into

this tidy room, tells everybody sit down and shut up and starts giving a speech about, you know, what they're going to do to take over the world or whatever. It's amazing. And I am so happy with how they chose to represent because again, it is six people in the room. And I would love to just sit David White down and be like, all right, man, so what nation is the African American guy from? And he'd be like, Afro toast. Afro

And the Arab guy, Arab, Arab, Arab and the lady Germany And he gives this like pep talk about ever since I was a child. I wanted to be the antichrist I mean peace of something I want to see antichrist camp just a bunch of little kids tattooing foreheads, playing with guillotine, doing Antichrist stuff. Kayaking.

Sure. Absolutely. I'm all camp stuff. Kayaking. Also, this is where he unveils the saving grace of this movie because like we've said, this is a terrible boring movie and I hated watching it, but this is where he reveals his plan, which is the meta analysis recording chip. Spells mark wrong. The Mars.

The Mars. The Mars also not what those words meta analysis recording is not they don't have the nope. No, I want so badly for someone to get it installed and they're just like, oh shit, that's, now I know all of Joseph Campbell's hero of a thousand faces. That's a, that's a weird use for a chip. I mean, I like it. Don't give me wrong. It really helps me understand literature, especially through the youngy and lens, it just feel like this is a weird way to use a chip. So he reveals his Mars plan, and then we cut back to the evil guy warehouse where the computer nerd Warren is talking to Joe Pike about how they found Chad's parachute.

Right. And he says that he's probably within a 50 mile radius. So wait, 50 mile, either the trackers working or not. Why would it, why would there be like a vague GPS setting that they would have? Like give me within 50 miles. That's what it's set to right now. Yeah, is it set to, is it set to a city?

Yeah, great. Give me, give me a city's worth multiple cities worth of locations. And I'll, I'll figure out the rest. And then this is where Eric Roberts hops in for his first like, I'm in earshot. So I'm in this movie too. He decides he's going to help out Warren or like lure him in at least to try to help him out. Yeah, he says, I can help you big time. And I just wrote in my notes, so many women have heard Eric Roberts say that in so many times he's been born. So so now Chad and Dow arrive at the dead brother's house and they go in and he goes, we'll

keep the lights off. So nobody knows we're here. And then in the next scene, he is walking through the house with a fully lit candle labyrinth for maximum silliness. He puts a light up like the torch from Temple of Doom here. Let's be sneaky and walk around with these. And so he walked, they walk up the stairs to, I guess, a bedroom. He knocks, Chad knocks on it.

He's like, dad. Dad. So, yeah, the parents definitely keep this giant empty house so they can visit the death shrine of their dead son once a year. That's what's happening. That's confirmed. And sure enough, we find mom and dad's clothes. And I just want to point out, all of our notes

are predictive at this point. All of our notes are just like, oh no, they always pray this way. Oh no, our parents are gone. Oh, I really don't like this genre of movies. We've chosen for this podcast. Yeah, so they find dead parents close or raptured parents close, but I really wanted the parents at this point to just jump out from a closet and be like, ah, I got you.

We put the clothes in a file to fuck with you. Yeah, we were doing butt stuff. We didn't get raptured. You knew that obviously. Look at that. A little helicopter for your son. Well, I'll try not to get hypnotized You got a picture an old man swinging his penis in a circle for that joke to work. I'm doing it But it's an audio media. I'm doing it too picture both of us. Let's both do it ready. Oh, are you gonna wait? Are you gonna clockwise or counter? Always clock. Always clock. No, stupid question. We talked about it. Sorry. Sorry. Oh,

no, no, no. Ow. Okay. Ow. Fucking pop filters. It's tricky. It's tricky. Yeah. So, he finds out his parents are raptured. And now he's sad, which doesn't make sense. Like I was saying before, like, she seemed to get that, like, oh, I hope now he's sad, which doesn't make sense. Like I was saying before. Like, she seemed to get that like, oh, I hope my sister's gone, but he's just like, oh, my parents are in heaven. I'm sad. I don't get it. It's really, hope they were stuck on earth with the antichrist and the demons, but never mind. Exactly. So they're sad at the weird dead guy's shrine house. And then we cut back to the warehouse computer layer with Warren and Eric Roberts is still tied up

in the next room. And this is where this is where Roberts really gets into it. He basically starts doing like Hannibal Lecter with Clarice now and like come closer Warren. You use Evian Skin Cream cream and sometimes you wear layered at all, but not today. It's really creepy.

It's fantastic. Yeah. And he basically says he had a brother. He's probably at his brother's house. Yeah. Right. And he's like, all right, cool. That's a weirdly specific thing for you to know. And then, and then this is again

in exchange for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and he goes, black with one sugar and no menthols. And I guarantee you they had to cut Eric Roberts saying, I'm not a black guy after my menthols, seven shots in a row before they just like cut. No, it's fine. What it would be funny. True. Yes. So now Eric Roberts gave him a little bit of information to work with and Warren decides to use their dedicated satellite that they own apparently to look for the dead brother's house.

Yeah, for Google Maps and it appears to be tracing the house. It's like, I want it to be like, keep the house on the phone. Oh, it turns to me goes, this could take hours. Why? How could it possibly take hours? Either there's a house under that name or there's not. And what is the satellite even doing? Like what?

It's looking for a plaque that says Chad's dead brother used to live here. And it's just like zoom in across all the Thailand. I don't get how that makes any sense. Also, it's a the brother, the dead brother, might have used an alias, we're cross checking now. So that's just nonsense. A, not what cross check means. You need like two lists of things

to cross check one again, the other. But more importantly, if you don't know the alias, you're just looking for Jeremy Turner, the brother's actual name, plus all other names. That's nothing. That's what they're cross checking again. Is there anyone who was named Jeremy Turner the brother's actual name plus all other names. That's nothing. Cross checking. Is there anyone who was named Jeremy Turner or so named literally anything else? That's cross that's why it's gonna take two hours to check that's why every other name. Yeah And a satellite is involved somehow. Yeah so they is involved somehow. So they do more satellite stuff that makes no sense. And then we cut back

to the dead brother's house and Chad's waking up from the the count where he slept and continue to not fuck the hot Asian sewer that he's trying to fuck. Yeah, it's very, very confusing their relationship because sometimes it's sexual, but now in this movie it feels like their buddies or maybe they're just like, now they're both Christians, so they don't fuck it was very confused. I was very upset by it. Yeah. So he wakes up, he wakes her up and he turns on the TV so that they keep the cable TV service going at this dead brother's house. Yep.

And in Bangkok, in Bangkok, which gets all English channels, by the way, it gets all English channels. Obviously. Obviously. And so now we're watching Philip Turk, the anti-Christ, and he's trying to stop the collapse of the world economy and Chad and Dower are like, oh, that's our mark. Let's get him. He's trying oh, that's our mark, let's get him. He's trying to, that's the bad guy.

Trying to fix the world. And again, I know we've pointed this out before when we've watched these movies, but like that does mean if there's ever a global economic collapse and someone tries to fix it, some asshole who watched these movies will be like, that's the motherfucker right there. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I see like seven movies about this. We

have to like break into his layer with parkour and kill him. Just someone trying to do a cartwheel into Obama's home just. Yes. Oh God. I sprained my side. Oh, bring me better. Bring me better gather round brothers. I made a poop circle. All right. So we want to make leap three. They're taking way too long. And if you give us enough money, we will just make leap three instead. Absolutely. Got it. We've got a lot of good, good new ideas, good new goals today. A lot of ideas. See, when he's not here to be negative and bring us down, we rate the range. We rank stuff that's what we talk about who God wants to analyze groups.

We enlisted in orders, tastes of black people, calling that back so you can't cut it from All right, so moving on, chatted down to side. All right, we got to keep moving because again, GPS can't track motion. So Chad's like, and it's just weird moment. Chad's like, all right, so we're going to leave. But you look ugly, maybe do your hair, put on some makeup, and then we go. It's like you wanna take a shower or something, or you wanna keep smelling like that all day. She's like, oh, sorry, I didn't,

I just, you know, with the antichristin, he's like, yeah, no, little, little self-care. It's not the worst thing in the world. The world's over, but we're still here, you know what I'm saying? Deodorant, find a speed stick down. Yeah, so that was weirdly negative and misogynist. And we also find out here that the bad guys at the computer layer found a utility bill with the dead brother's name, the addresses on the east side of Bangkok. So they have an idea where this house is. Again, why you satellites for any of this?

No idea. Unclear. Unclear. He likes using the enhanced button. Don't be a dick. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. Then he sends the henchman, or at least one of them,

the closest henchman's on the way to the house now. So is Joe Pike. He's like 20 minutes away. And now we get dows coming to God moment, right? She's, she like looks at the Bible and then she realizes it's the rapture and she has some flashbacks. She's reading the Bible and she's dressed more modestly all of the sudden because she's a Christian now. God, can we dial back the flashbacks in these movies? They're so ridiculous and too long.

Like when I was while watch Dow just sit on a couch and watch the entire first movie while we watch her, like watch her sign up for pureflix and then her fucking router goes down and we watch her unplug it for 10 seconds and watch the lights turn back on yellow to gray. It's still not we're all right and she calls customer service and there's a long menu I want to talk to a human please oh my god

no it's one of those ones that won't let you press zero god damn it zero zero zero zero that needs to be a law you have to offer zero human being at your god damn menu no matter what happens i want to talk to see i'm not an old woman i don't i never want to check my balance ever you can get that off all the menus ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha finally realizes that this might actually be the rapture. She wasn't convinced in the film now somehow. Like, yeah, I don't get this. Like, who's doubt, like if 200 million Christian people plus all the kids in the world vanish, like we're not doing scathing atheists about rapture of parodolia, like what the fuck?

We're all convinced right away, right away, we're convinced. And I have eight movies to guide me through what to do next. I'm actually, I'm the guy to find I am the zombie apocalypse guy who knows everything about zombies for the rapture when the time comes. It's the only apocalypse I will be useful during. wonderful there. Yeah. So she's Christian now. I guess she converts right there after her little flashback thing and immediately asks her a favor from God. I mean, she's like, exactly. Hey God, I

know we just met like fucking two minutes ago during my weird flash. Can you help me move? Can you? I have a collection of pull-out couches. I'm we come. It's going to be a thing. a thing a six floor walk up and I just feel like It's really fun God's just like ooh I would love to but my I'll get you some pizzas. I'll get pizza for everybody. No

Ford pizza beer the time. Oh, I can afford that too. All right. Can we? Are we not? This is an awkward moment now. Oh, you know, you're really a friend of Chad's. Is Chad going to be there? No, he's busy. Oh, it's weird then for me to see you alone. I've made all the friends I want to make. I'm a grownup. I'm sorry. My parachute is opening. I have to take a right. So now the bad guy show up at the house. Yeah. And it's weird because the brother has a safe with a notebook and money behind a false wall.

Yeah, it's already a safe. Yeah. But again, the brother wasn't like a ninja spy. For some reason, the brother just like has a safe with like notebooks and cash and passports and shit. Like, I don't know what kind of Christian that guy was supposed to be. Anyway, very, very strange. I guess his brother was Jason Bourne again.

Thank you. Thank you. But the bad guys are sneaky towards the house. And this is my favorite moment in the movie. Dow comes downstairs and her new mod is closed. And Chad says to her, you look nice in my mom's clothes. Really pretty. Yeah. The creepiest thing anyone's ever said in the universe. It's gross. I know I thought he's going to be like, all right. So just wait right here.

And then he goes upstairs, comes back dressed in an old man clothes. Cosby sweater. He's got a game. Do this thing. We're going to do some serious, serious role playing now. Let's get weird. And that was a response by the way, is she goes, you think she'd mind? And I wanted to be like, no, she'd be soaking, fucking wet.

Trust me. This is, this is working on all levels for everybody. But this is when the bad guys break in, the proximity alarm goes off. And this is how they fool the stalker. All right. They turn on the upstairs TV. She lies on the bed. And he hides behind the door. Why? Why does she have to be there? Like, okay, you masturbate on the bed. I'll hide behind the door. Well, can I just lay here or just not be in the house at all? Fine. Can you just, you do the door thing? No. I tell you what, you look like you're starting to hide under the bed and I'll hide in the ceiling You put on this chicken costume. It's the stupid but it works the bad guys like ah perfect lying on the bed And then he like again fat guy karate chop like yeah, and the guys like all right. I'm out of the movie now. I'm out

And he is yep He's out. So they knocked out the hedgeman and they leave the house and now they're arriving at a factory for no reason. I have no idea why they end up in this airplane hanger. Yeah, well airplane hanger, it's not. I'm pretty sure it's just the other side of that warehouse set that they that they had for the day. So they used it. I don't know. And this is how terribly this movie is written. He then starts talking about

how, oh, I've got all the, this is all my father's stuff. So what happened is now it was the brother's house, but the father kept his secret collection of passports and photos and incriminating information about the Avanti corporation in the dead brother's house, which we've already learned. They only go to once a year to feel close to his ghost on the anniversary of his death. Because this movie is so badly written that what he's about to look through is he finds a bunch of pictures and stuff and he's like, Oh, my dad was tracking down Avanti, right? I'll save you 90 minutes of that shit. But like the dad

was tracking down Avanti because the only way the writer of this movie, which turns out to be David R. White and that makes me so happy. I could think of to introduce Avanti back into the plot was to be like, oh, what a quinketing. My dad was tracking the company. I was a security guard for when I got accidentally injected with a chip and became central to their plan. Yup. Huh. This is, this is what's happening.

This is what's happening. So yeah, he's got the pictures of like women and there's old versions of the arm chips in there and that's the plot. Darling, if you're listening to this after I'm gone, anybody, if you're listening to this after I'm gone, the pictures of Asian women you found on my computer, I too am investigating the entire information. So I'm glad that's the assumption being made. That's very important.

Yeah. So they're trying to figure out what's happening. They're so slow figuring out this plot. It's ridiculous. So Dow is like, okay, well, you know, I know it looks kind of weird, but whatever your dad was doing, it had to be good because he got raptured and Only good people would get raptured by God and you're like, okay, but but you're good and you're still here And so this is all just to be like well, I guess we can all agree that doing good works isn't enough

It's the sloppiest way to introduce this idea. They just pass a chalkboard with that written on it. Huh, man cannot live through good deeds alone. I wonder what that means. All right. Now you read it too. Oh, and he explains biometric again in this scene. Incorrectly.

Yep. Biometric does not mean alive. It means it does not mean the robot lives on my blood. Also, it doesn't mean robot that lives on your blood. No, no, it means statistical analysis, biological data. Nothing I got admit though. I am mad about this because robot that lives on your blood robot vampire is my team novel and I thought it was going to be the next Twilight but this movie obviously stole it. So I can't write robot vampire.

Unbelievable. Sexy teenage robot vampire was going to be called and it was going to be amazing. Oh, not. Whatever. What if we do like a musical and switch your ass like I don't want to drink your blood with your bolts. make me do weird. And there you have it, little taste for everybody. Get excited.

Patreon.com, forward slash God awful. He cuts a lot of those out and you're really experiencing me here in this show. How often I ask you for money. Okay, I feel like we're overlapping a little bit with the third act of hats off to Botswana now. But there is a robot vampire because we should write or we should write around it. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. What's off to Botswana? Lads off to Blutswana. Mm.

Felt like a race thing. Yeah. Where did we rank them? I will will talk about later talk about it and so on now uh... we go back to the warehouse with joe pike computer layer and uh... he's yelling at war in the tech nerd uh... about whatever they can't find chad fast enough

right and up by the way small detail war is wearing a live strong bracelet is very distracting very distracting he also has a pokeball on his lair desk, another weird little thing. He's supposed to be like a nerd, but like this actor didn't know how to play nerds, so they just like covered him with a month's worth of loot crate stuff, and they were like, there, you're a nerd. There. Got him.

Great. So yeah, he's Matt, basically Pike is Matt at Warren that he isn't magically finding out what's going on. Yep. And meanwhile, in this scene, we cut over to Chad and Dow. And among the papers, he has found the phone number of the doctor who worked on the Avanti research program, not the doctor who injected him a different doctor that his dad knew, Dr. S. Right. Right. And he texted this guy and instantly gets a text back. He gets a text back faster than it would be physically possible to text someone back. Right. He's like, Hey, are you my dad's friends and then

it ain't really like, Oh, yeah, look look, he's he's given me the first half of Warren piece here on this phone. It's weird. He must have already been typing. He might as well appear in a cloud of smoke, just like, poof, meet me at Pow square at noon. Poof goes away. Yeah, it's so fast. And this is also where we learn that, um, so fast and uh... this is also where we learn that uh... malee uh... douse sister was in the book of chip slaves see what a well put together movie she was it was in a sex life she was a chip

test subject that his dad what are the chances that his dad zero the chances are zero that his dad would be investigating something that her sister just happened to be involved in that his dad would be investigating something that her sister just happened to be involved in that he happened to be doing security for when he accidentally got in check to me. It's the stupidest most coincidence space plot of all time. But then we get one of my favorite moments of the movie, right? When he texted the doctor and the doctor texted back, apparently they were tracking the dad's cell phone. That was the magic that Eric Roberts just produced. And this extra in this scene decides he's going to do a

Cockney accent. So let them know so sloppy. Do not watch these movies, but if you can find this scene out of nowhere, this one extra goes, oh, I got that. The sound done of Bungie. And then never speaks again. He obviously was just like, I really need this for my real. So I'm going to show off my accent work here.

And that is the entire job of one of like five just extra computer guys that are also there that do nothing except for this one guy who does that. That's it. That's it. So, so yeah, the bad guys tracked the text message from Chad to the doctor or the doctor to Chad and they send another henchman to go find the to Chad and Dow at the airplane hanger or wherever they are. And I wanted so badly for her to be lying on the ground in the airplane hanger and him to be sitting behind the door of the air.

That's just the plan they do with all the engine. You just hit some with an airplane, not to match. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, this henchman shows up at their little warehouse and he's so not intimidating. He's supposed to be like this like ex-special ops guy. He looks like he looks like the almost white black guy that hire for TV shows in the 90s so that white people wouldn't be scared. That's who we're looking. Looks like he should be dating Joey in season nine of friends. dating Joey in season nine of friends. So he shows up and they're not there. They've just left, I guess.

And so he calls back Warren and Warren's like, okay, well, I'm calculating a six block radius based on their running speed, which I know. So what the hell's happened? Even if that numbers accurate? How is that helpful to know six block radius? The henchman's going to like build a circular wall seven blocks out in all directions. What he's

going to do on an aspiring at 3.14 times the speed right. And then starting at the center outwards and then he'll catch them by definite right. And then that's that's what pie is defined as what he like Said yeah, three three it's three point four one five nine six one four One five nine two six five three five the spiral

If you spiral out that's how you get off cover a whole circle there you go a little bit of math for you guys little math Little math see these are the how you get off cover a whole circle. There you go. A little bit of math for you guys. Little math, little math. See, these are the things you get. So, so he doesn't find them. Meanwhile, chat and doubt. They go to the park to meet the doctor. But the doctor thought it was his dad. So when the doctor sees him, the doctor runs away. And they're chasing the doctor.

But that's when the bad guys shows up at the park for no reason. And luckily the Asian stewardess lady just hits him with a giant block of wood that's sitting in the middle of the park. Very convenient. Yeah. And they escape. Yeah. The vice will be a spandex outfit and a steel chair just sitting there right now. Yeah, it's out of frying pan. And a frying dish. We just plucked one off the frying pan tree. Bang. Yes. So they get away from that guy, but the other two Edgman find them leaving the park and start chasing them.

So now we're going to get a chase scene. Right. And they're on a motorcycle Rikshaw cap. Yeah. Right. So they hail the Rikshaw cap. Yeah, right. So they they hail the Rick Shaw cap start driving away. At the same time, we see that Warren finally hacked the Avanti server so the bad guys can track Chad's arm chip from now on. That's yes.

It's going to be important or not. I don't know. And now it's a motorcycle race. And I want to say the only reason they had this scene is one of the actors who's like, you know, Lucifer, the bad barrier, whatever, can do a flying cartwheel over a small thing. And he does it for no reason. They're like running after this motorcycle and he just like, what jumps over the motorcycle. And we're like, okay, that's why we had this scene because they, they're running as fast as this motorcycle. They're running as fast as this motorcycle

They're like catching up with this motorcycle He literally does a parkour flip over a rolling apple cart that gets in the way. It's my favorite. Oh So good so yeah, they they run away some more and now they hop onto a motorcycle chat and down some more and now they hop onto a motorcycle, Chad and Dow. Now, okay, question for you, Eli, if you're running away from people and then you get on a motorcycle, are you driving the motorcycle onto a street in the outdoors or are you driving it into a crowded building? Into a crowded building, definitely. Okay. Really? Is there like a forever 21 that I can drive my motorcycle? There is.

There is. That's what I want. That is what I would be. That's the best place to lose people with a vehicle. So that's what this is. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I mean. And they have the slowest motorcycle chase ever.

He's just walking it. He's just doing that weird, waddle walk. and they have the slowest motorcycle chase ever. He's just walking it. He's just doing that weird, waddle walk, is it? The awkward motorcycle lock in it. And one way he does the awkward left, right, left, right. Like, oh, we dancing with somebody walking the other way. It's so stupid.

And this is how stupid this movie is. He does the like, uh, uh, she goes one direction. He goes another, the two henchmen chase him off screen and we get off screen fighting fight off screen like the two henchmen chasing him and she's sitting there like oh I hope he's okay and then he walks out and it's like see I won yep that's what happens we do not get to see the fight at all. I guess the the fight choreography wasn't up to the standards of David AR White so they didn't show it. Not a not a great sign, but don't worry. We might just get to see Chad do some overconfident dad karate in act 3.

We'll look forward to that. Although we might just skip act three because it's fucking awful. So let me give whatever the next segment is about the hard sell, which race is best? Asians. Which religion is best? Buddhists. Which sexual orientation is best?

Bally sexual with them. Well, I was gonna say, find out the answers to these questions as more, but you just heard them. So when we come back, maybe we'll talk about act three. Still not sure. Bring him before me. Hey, what's up, buddy? Oh, God damn it. You again? Yeah. What is this like five times a row? Oh, God who knows? So, uh, uh, wow. Alright, so you're the one who's been hiding my chip from me, huh? Well, um, a dying guy technically injected me, but yeah, you got the idea.

Ah, uh. Fool that you are! Don't you understand? Nothing can stop my plan of the mark! See? Um, hold on, is that your poster? My plan of the mark see Hold on is that your poster? Oh, yes, you're glorious isn't it You misspelled mark What yeah, it's it's ma. R. K. Not RC no, oh my holy fucking shit yeah how how public have you gone with this program oh god this is embarrassing literally literally the entire world he

then right really yeah yeah oh god really Karen Karen no I don't want to show the massage thank you though did this go out all of it fuck no no Karen I don't want to show them massage. Thank you though. Did this go out? All of it Fuck no, no Karen. I don't want to show them massage right now Karen. Thank you. Yeah Well, that'll teach you man. Can't just send these things out on a LARC LARC really becomes apparent the Stark's reality, huh? Hey you Mark with the C idiot

Who has a proofreader? I hire a guy to do the spelling And we're back We left off our hero had just done something off camera that might have been pretty fucking sweet But there's really no way of knowing. Oh, there's a shyness. The only way for that to have been Lamer would be for him to come out and describe it to Dow.

Oh, man, he was like, and I was like, and then, and she's like, God, that sounds really cool. Yeah, that sounds nice. So now they're just walking around the market and he's got a gun with a silencer like you do, you know? Yeah, nice little afternoon in the market. And then Joe Pike shows up and clearly wants like a cowboy style moment. He just like walks out in front of them. He gets all squinty for no reason.

He might as well roll a piece of tumbleweed across before you get there. And Chad just shoots him in the arm just like, oh no, pit. I don't know why he's trying to kill him, but whatever. Yeah, it's a very weird moment. So yeah, he shoots him in the arm. Joe Pike falls down and then pulls out his gun and goes to shoot Chad and Dow, even though that doesn't make sense to the plot because he can't kill them. He has to get them alive. But they're gone in a literal cloud of smoke. Adam nowhere. There might as well be a Dow and Chad shaped hole in the wall where they were. For how silly that fucking scene is. Yep.

And then a pretty amazing timing. One second later, Joe gets a call from the Antichrist, right? And who's getting a sweet soldier massage? Yes. I really wanted one right then. Yeah, absolutely. There is nothing, nothing better than a shoulder massage. I was hating the movie so much.

I had so much rage inside me at this point. I was really jealous. If you listened at the interstitial and gave us your money, we could afford a full-time shoulder massage. So, patron. Excellent. Yeah, let's add that. Let's slot that in before the other stuff we said.

That's the next one. Good. Yes. And he does a good threat here. He's like, oh, you're gonna burn in fire and all blah blah blah It's not as good as filling your mouth with your mother's feces Like Vigo got us to filling your mouth with your mother feces and anything else is kind of gonna be worse. Yeah, this is more like I'll Read you my middle school poetry about pain and despair. If you don't get shadow black darkening hurts your arm hurts. Roses are black stupid stupid. Okay, stop. I'll find them. I'll find them. This is terrible.

Yeah. All right. Sorry. Did you like it? Do you have any notes? No, it's I. All right, sorry. Did you like it? Do you have any notes? No, it's, so we cut over to Chad and Dow and they're now in a different building. Just some other one again. Right. Again, for no reason. And he explains that his dad was always getting involved in stuff.

So they always had a special code for like the next place the movie takes place literally i always had a a code for that's where we're going this this is the google map on my phone and now the plot makes sense again it does not there's it's complete nonsense i have no idea why any of this is pointing us where they go

unbelievable and uh... this is also where we get a quick news update. The Antichrist has a plan. The answer to the global economic collapse is a GPS in everyone's arm. This is when he notices that. In everyone's arm. And let's point out, Philip Turkey is not a world leader. He's just a billionaire. Can billionaires, I mean, well, one of them can, but can

billionaires generally just go to the G20 and be like, here's my idea. How about everyone gets an apple pay in their dick? Let's put an apple pay in everyone's dick. Who's in? It makes no sense. It would make more sense to chop everyone's hand off and just like staple a gold bar onto their arm and they would shave it every so often and pay for it. Like I don't get what like Obama takes over in 2009 and he's like, all right, we're going to end this financial crisis. Everyone just check in with me every couple hours and tell me your coordinates and we'll show me a text.

And you can share your location. Yeah, just go to my contact, the eye, and then yeah, share location infinitely, literally infinitely. No, it's a shared Google Doc. I shared all of you. I shared everyone. I've got a Google Doc. I'm just gonna put the clip up.

Wait, which email address are you guys using? I'll share it to everybody. Yeah, so that's the plan is GPS and everyone's arm, also credit card, maybe. I don't know, that's going to fix everything. But the movie decides to outstube it itself, right? This is where Chad thinks of, for the first time, you know what I'll do. I'll cut off the blood supply to the chip by tying a scarf around my arm. Now, this is very important.

Do you think the people who wrote this movie think that when you tie a scarf around your arm, the rest of the blood in your body continues to circulate, but there's no blood in that arm anymore? It's none. It's zero. They definitely think that there's no other way to explain why they would have this little piece of plot

So stupid, but it works. It works. The bad guys lose the tracking signal all of a sudden because he has a tourniquet Yeah But the problem is that releases poison from the chip that releases poison from the chip that's not working anymore into his bloodstream. The chip doesn't work, but it does work enough to release poison and he starts, starts passing out. He gets the wobbles. And again, this movie is so sloppily written that he gets the wobbles and she's like, oh, don't worry, we're here.

And they're there. They're at the doctor from the park. Like the moment he started to get the wobbles, it's like, oh, good't worry, we're here. And they're there. They're at the doctor from the park. Like the moment he started to get the wobbles, it's like, Oh, good thing we were half a block away. We were a block and a half away. You just be dead on a street corner. This is very good. This is Dr's office is right here in this warehouse building that looks exactly like the bad guy there. And also our random hiding spot from before that we rented so They're at the doctor's place and by the way is the doctor a good guy or bet he worked for Avanti Is he a good guy or bad guy?

Pretty sure not a good guy, right wasn't he Part of the chip program yet. He was implanting low jack on child sex workers that he got from Triad Pimps. I think he's not a good character, but in this movie he's a good guy. All right. So he starts fixing up Chad and well at gunpoint, and I got to say holding a gun on someone while they operate is just asking for a pulp fiction moment. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you did a few people. Oh, yeah. And there's this, there's this stupid bit of

dialogue. She goes, how do I know you're not going to kill him? And instead of saying, uh, because if I killed him, you'd shoot me with your weird silenced gun that you're holding on me right now. He goes, you're just going to have to have faith. Really? Faith? Faith. Are you stupid Christian now? Can I say faith?

You are great. You're great. Yeah, awesome. Cool. Did you do a flashback for like 25? I did do a flashback for like, yep, I did. Thank you. Perfect.

Perfect. So yeah, he's fixing up Chad. And then we go back to Warren at the computer layer trying to figure out why the signal turned off on Chad's tracker. And listen to how stupid the opening line of this is Eric Roberts is in his cell and he goes, you look worried and Warren goes, you can't see my face. And I wanted Eric Roberts to be like, good point. That is a bad line. That is a bad line.

This is also where we get a montage of news people from every country of the world explaining why the GPS armchips are going to save the world or something like that. This is so amazing. All of the stereotypes are being stereotypical in their TV stations. The British should have made me say this. And then the Chinese person is speaking Chinese, and the French person is speaking French. And then they cut to Detroit, and they've got a black guy talking. They do it.

Hey, man, how you doing? You going to do the fucking, we're going gonna get on this fucking thing with the one unity. Also just just to review the races are white Chinese Latino Arab French Nazi and women. Those are the seven races in the world. and women, those are the seven races in the world. And in the sort of speech he's giving, he goes, yes, and we will all achieve the social justice of the mark. And this is the choice. And I just wrote my notes, my life in a nutshell.

I want to see the writers room when they came up with that. They're like, all right, let's brainstorm the antichrist. What's he like? Name some like terrible Antichrist qualities. And they're just like European world peace. SJW cock. And that's what they did. And we found him.

So we went with. So we find out the UN is about to vote on turning the world into one big country and making the AntichChrist the king. Then we cut back to the warehouse where the doctors warehouse, not the bad guys warehouse or the not clear whether he's a bad guy or good guy. The doctors warehouse and he took out the poison from Chad. He's going to be okay and he also gives Chad eight. It's so ridiculous.

He gives him this giant like hot topic man bracelet. He's over the giant, like hot topic man bracelet. Yeah. Iron shackle. Yeah. To block the signal. And he makes like a cheat on your wife, Chokey goes, yeah, and they started making these because they knew men wouldn't always want their wives to know where they were. Whoa. A little bit of a, yeah, I get it. I get it. I get it. But seriously, folks, it's just, it's just Dow in there. She's like, all right, that's enough, that's enough. Throws a drink at him. Yeah. And Dow's yelling at Dr. Asse about the girls who got killed in the chiptesting.

Because obviously she's mad about her sister. She's like, oh, you killed my sister. That one was my sister and he's like, wait, no, no, no, no. She was never implanted. And she's no, no, she was never implanted. And she's like, wait, she was never implanted. And he's like, yeah, put a weird awkward extension of the plot to shoehorn in. We just put her picture in there to confuse people late. I guess that's you.

I guess you got to be weird awkward. Sorry about that. That worked. I don't think about it. Am I a good guy or a bad guy? Really not your ass, David. Yes. Confusing. I'm going to fake cry over here for a second and scene. So now we have this super awkward, her waking Chad up scene. She's like, Chad, her waking Chad up seen. And she's like, Chad, Chad. You said we could get breakfast.

You want to come get breakfast and meet my shitty friends. I wanted to doubt to introduce Chad to her shitty friends so badly. It was like, this is plow. She's an arts major and really weird and aggressive about everything. Like you can't, you feel like you're arguing with her about what she's gonna order. It's really off-putting and horrible. And this is fragile friend. She's gonna start crying any second. Oh, she's already crying.

She's there. She goes. Yeah, I do. There she goes. And then here's the one who I say is my twin who looks nothing like me and act nothing You're here for the next hour and have to pay Fun times fun times nothing to do with reality nothing just fun comedy jokes Nothing just one comedy joke. We're just our Signature make it up. Characters are awesome.

We love them. They're the best. Oh my wife's friends. Wow. Unrelated topic. Interesting. That's the first word that comes to mind. So now we cut over to the Triad Gangs slave house where we're a new movie is starting.

Right. They're at the laundry sash slave slave in the aquarium. Yeah. Right, because apparently there was a meeting among the triads where they were like, well, they're not implanting the girls. So what do you guys want to do with them?

You want a sex slavery? And you know what? Let's do a laundry. No, the laundry, I think. We should. Let's diverse, let's, you know, make some cash there. And Chad is looking at them through these teeny tiny super silly binoculars. And the binoculars are making like, br spy, spy, spy, spy vision.

In head. It's so she's just got an air horn on either side. Oh, and there's this amazing moment. He's looking and he hands the binoculars to dow and he's like, do you see Malie? And we see the binoculars. She's looking at a blank wall, literally a blank brick wall and goes, no. And then she turns and looks at the first. Oh, that's her.

Like, yeah, you were looking at a wall. I wouldn't asking if that wall was Molly. I did not mean the wall. I did not. Yeah. So now later that night for again, no reason because they ran out of daylight is why later that night, Chad and the stewardess are going to single-handedly save a building full of slaves.

Now, he's going to smuggle him out in a giant Santa sack. And he goes into he starts to go in and he's got the gun and she's like, no, Chad, no guns. And he's like, I kind of need a gun. What was your plan? What did you? What was the gunless plan of rescuing every prostitute slave in this building? Hello, Triad.

We'd like to rent all your prostitutes for a field trip, though. Please, for a field trip, though, please, for a field trip will leave our shoe as collateral. Like, no idea. No idea. But she's convinced, okay, they'll bring the gun. And she does a little prayer. I wanted so bad for them to just get shot by a guard while they were praying. Yeah. Dear God. Oh, I heard you guys around the corner pit pit. If the movie ended just like that, it would have been one of my favorite movies that we've done. I would have won me back. Would have won 100% won me crazy billionaire money. We can just make the pit pit sound and. By the way, the prayer was so bad. The actor who played Chad literally couldn't help but violently roll his eyes during. So bad. Yeah,

so they start walking into the slave house after the stupid prayer. And by the way, Chad is literally doing the whistle thing. The whistle though. In conspicuous whistler music. Yep. Not here to save anybody. Just walking. And this guy comes out who we're supposed to assume is a guard and he murders him. This is a movie where he's run away from everyone, but he will spend the rest of this movie, which by the way, at this point only has like 30 seconds left, he'll murder everyone in this building. Everyone in this building is just like, Pup, Pup, Pup, Pup. Yep. Yep. So he kills that guy, walks in. There's more random clouds of steam and smoke throughout the whole movie with the clouds of steam and smoke for no reason. Yeah. Then he shoots another guy. It's a great little moment. The guy falls uncomfortably. Clearly the actor was like,

oh shit, like not my shin kind of is pressing against my other shin. So he spends like a minute adjusting his supposed to be dead legs. We get to watch that. It's hilarious. And then he, so he finally gets to where the girls are being held in a little cage. And he grabs the keys from the guy he just shot and unlocks it. And so it gets all the girls, right held in a little cage. And he grabs the keys from the guy he just shot and unlocks it. And so it gets all the girls, right? It gets all the girls. And the rest of the girls are like, no, we can't leave without the final girl. She's downstairs and you can see Chad being like, I'm not really sure why we can't leave without her. I feel like, you know, do what you can, Peter Singer. I think we did it. We had a good day.

Maybe we come back for her tomorrow. Mannyana. No. No. So, Chad obviously has to go eventually save the other one, whatever. Before anything happens, though, we cut back to Eric Robertson Warren again. They're just talking in a fucking room. They just, they might as well be throwing a lacrosse ball at the wall, just being like, I don't know, man, she says she wants it to be more than it is, but it's just been so short of time. And I don't know. What do you think? Yeah. Love is like a flower. You get it, Eric Roberts.

You get it. And again, this is just like the first movie, the bad guys take a time out again just for like a big chunk of act three. They're just sitting there. So stupid. And then we start cutting back and forth. The rescue girls get taken out and put in a van, Dr. drives them away and Chad goes back for the final

slave girl. Right. And it's important. The only important thing about this scene is his weird don't let your wife know you're cheating on her bracelet, which one would assume would release all the toxins, but I don't want to get into it. The weird cheating on bracelet falls off. So now the bad guys will be able to find it.

Right. Right. Exactly. So now Joe Pike gets involved at the Lair. He's giving Eric Roberts a stern talking to, because I don't know why. They open up the door to the cage. And Eric Roberts just starts talking about, he was like a lot more important in part one.

He's just, yeah, that's really it. Ranting. He's just like, Oh, I was in the, I was really the one of the main characters in this. I'm just sort of a weird day's ex Machina. You want to shoot me in the head so I can go do blow in my trailer and he's like, I do want to shoot. Yeah, that's what it was. But I was. Shoot. So now we cut over to Chad rescuing the final girl, right? And he shoots all the bad guys, but then at the last minute, the final girl who's the name we do not even know gets shot. And the movie stops for Chad to mourn her.

And he's like, oh, why? Random Asian girl. I was so invested in her as a character. I was batten six for six. Now I'm six for seven. This route. Yeah. There's no reason for this.

And then Dow calls him on his cell phone to check in with him during the armed conflict. She knows he's in with the triad gang. He's like, Hey, yeah, I'm actually working and I don't like phone calls, even when I'm not cool. Well, you said you'd call. You said you would call. Yeah, all right. We just don't communicate enough. Oh, sorry. Oh, cool. I'm a bad boyfriend. Get on the phone. 35. How's the gunfight going? Like on a personal level, you want to know how the gun fights going?

What? How do you feel about the gun fight? I feel like I don't get to hear about your feelings about the gun fight. All right. Well, the girls dead. How are you? How are your friends that I met in front? Oh my gosh.

Crying girl and angry girl are fighting again. They're so funny. They're so funny. We should go to brunch with them again. So they finish up their weird couples fight about why he was supposed to save her on the phone. And Chad gets on yet another motorcycle to have flashbacks of the entire movie and the last movie. Yep. They were like, hey, man, can you do like a minute of face acting while you drive on a motorcycle? He's like, I can do 30 seconds max. So they fill it with flashbacks. It's like an essay with block quotes from earlier

in that essay. That's this movie. And then we go back to the computer guys who have Chad's tracker signal again, because the race looks gone. And they're like, he's heading for the docs. So that's where the final show that by the way, apparently the only docs in all of Bangkok. This is a city on a golf with a river running through the middle of it, the only docks in all of Bangkok. This is a city on a gulf with a river running through the middle of it, the docks. That's where they got it. The docks is where they're headed. So all the like, shooty bad guys leave and it's Warren and two computer guys. And for no reason, Warren's just like, if you have families, get out of here.

It's so weird. He's like, go on, get out of here, scram. Like, like they're all dogs at the end of a 50s movie. It's like Harry and the Henderson's. Yeah, so weird. I don't want you here. I don't want you at all. And then because this movie is fucking insane, he was get out of here and these two guys

just like slowly get up and walk out of the room and ask their moving. He goes great job by the way. Such a weird lie. Like if anyone needs a letter of recommendation, just say, your guy positive reference. I mean that solid assistant hacking sitting next to me or whatever fuck you did. You answered that text or you told us about this bingee bing in the weird accent. And then Warren, he's finally like broke it down. I guess he's become a good guy now. So he shuts it all down.

He shuts down their like evil giant vacuum tube computer system and the tracker is done. Right. And from there, we cut back to the van because you remember they were driving that's still happening. Chad's also driving. It's thorough job by the movie on driving. We know about when everybody's driving. Right.

And everyone is mourning a character. We don't know. Like, whose name we don't know. No. No, like I was the name we don't know. No, but they pull up to the docks and they're going to escape by boat to like a place further down the river. Yeah, right. There's safe house or something. Yeah.

And that's when Chad comes rolling up very casually on a motorcycle. Again, like doing like the slow walk basically, but then out of nowhere, there's a Jeep and I think a different motorcycle, like inches behind him, impossible. The space time in this movie is insane at moment. They shared an easy pass toll, like it was. Motherfucker said, oh, bad guys. So they have an incredibly boring gun fight, which again, he shoots the car with a gun. Literally the car is just headed towards him.

He is on a motorcycle. The car is headed towards him. He just shoots straight at the car. Just pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, and then the car explodes. He is a pistol. He shoots a Jeep in the hood until it spins off the side of the dock and explodes. Yep, yep. And the bad guy motorcycle that they accidentally had in the shot disappears because they have

no idea what they're doing. And just as the Jeep is spinning off, Joe Pike jumps out just in time and goes straight into a slow motion walk that the editing is brilliant. He's just walking towards him. So now it's time for the final showdown and they both get rid of their guns, which is hilarious. And you have to understand again, I don't always recommend watching these movies, but just watch this scene. The idea of these two men having a fist fight is too funny.

Brick, shed an eye, share physical shapes, and pike, the actor plays fight. He's a real action movie star who can kick above his head, who can raise his arms and touch like above his eighties. It's like Drew Kerry fighting jetley. Like there's no reason this should make sense. And indeed, that is how their fight takes place. Yep. And Joe, the ridiculously cut fighter guy does, he does all kicks for round one. Apparently he like agreed to play Street Fighter with only one button as like a handicap to be nice and he's doing amazing kicks all over the place. Knox chatted into some garbage. And Chad literally, because again, it has to be one of those tit for tad fights, Chad

can't kick at all. So his answer is to tackle him and then kick him when he's on the grass. That's right. Also, at this point, this one Chad picks up a big piece of wood. And oh, my God, he's, he starts swinging it so, he swings like a kid who strikes out at T ball. Like, like someone with a dad who doesn't love him swinging this thing at this guy. And the good guy can't grab the first weapon halfway through the fist. It's so, so stupid, so stupid. But yeah. So Pike wins very

obviously because he's done a sit-up in his life. He's doing the like karate kid. I'm going to punch you. No, I'm not. And Chad goes, you can't kill me. I have a higher purpose. And I was like, Oh, please kill him. Please kill him. Oh, I wanted a little Asian girl to just shoot him both and they learned an important lesson. But no, Warren, the hacker who shut down the computer and for some reason is here now shoots Pike, but not not to death. He perfectly shoots him in the thighs. Yep. So they leave Joe Pike to bleed out because that doesn't count as killing him. And now they're all on the escape boat to go to the the safe house. And this movie is somehow not over. Oh my God. Right. We get a scene. This is how useless

this movie is. There's a scene at the United Nations where a guy comes up and goes, I'm a job creator and we aren't gonna let you do this because I'm a job creator. Oh my God. I create jobs. I wasn't furious enough having to watch this terrible fucking movie and then John Galt shows up to threaten the antichrist. So, he does a speed rant. It's just a list of masturbation buzzwords for religious conservatives. So, just like the business community of job creators, like myself, bootstraps, Milton Friedman Laffer curve, taxation is theft, Antonalia's sweaty for oh my god shut up. Oh, it's so good. And again, that scene no meaning, no purpose. It is literally just so that this movie could shoot in the word job creator. Like seven times it was the worst. And then Antichrist offers to

bribe the businessman guy, but wealthy businessman can't be bought by billionaires from Europe. That's what you want outsiders and politics. Obviously, nothing could go wrong with any of that. And now we cut to this movie not being fucking over yet. We cut to one more scene. Just another scene. And now is reading everyone, all the girls girls they just read the Bible from the beginning. And I wanted so badly for one of them to be like, Hey, I'm sorry. Can I go back to sex slavery? I've this book. I'm going to go back to sex slavery.

That was always exciting, not boring. You know what I'm saying? And a little less raping than this book. Let's be honest. Yep. And a little less raping than this book. Let's be honest. Yep, and then we close it out with the UN. There are all the UN people or the seven races, reps, or all signing the Antichrist paperwork to create the new world order. And that's pretty much it.

And basically they're just setting up part three. They're confident at this point that part three is going to happen. Oh, yeah, they were ready. They were ready. We are not doing part three if they make part three. If they haven't made it yet and when they do, we're there. That is a strong veto. Now we're tied. All right, well, that was horrific. Pretty sure the only good thing to come out of a piece of hot garbage was the new game that everyone should be playing at the bar from now on. And that game is called, who can tell a stranger, I bet you'd look great in my mother's clothes without getting punched in the dick. Oh, fun game. Yes, absolutely.

So it's a rabbit all up. I'll ask you this Eli. Just in case we feel like evolving the new game at some point, can you think of a pickup line worse than I bet you'd look great in my mother's clothing? I consider myself a centrist. I bet you'd look great in my mother's skin. To know the centrist one is worse. The centrist one is worse. They're right. Here's my list of races ranked from one through 10. All right.

The mother's introduced people to the podcast. Fine. I think mother's skin is the winner though. All right. Well, that does it for review of the Mark two redemption, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you all fired up for next week. So Eli, tell us what is on deck? Creed of gold and anti federal reserve movie. It's a Ponzi scheme. A teen adventure movie about how the Federal Reserve is a giant conspiracy by banks.

It's going to be amazing. Awesome. So everybody, please just Google really quick, just look up Federal Reserve, just take, read one paragraph about what it actually is. That'd be great. Listen, go on our slash the Donald and just figure out. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 102 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors who help make it all possible.

If you're feeling generous like them, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and earn early access to every episode that also gets you access to 14 Encounting Bonus Episodes on notoriously bad secular cinema like the last airbender most recently. You can also help us out with a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all the various social media platforms. Of course, don't forget to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, the skeptic rat, and citation needed available on iTunes. Stitcher, yes, all of them now. They caved and wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God Awful Movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark.

And all of that stuff was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Eli Bosnick and no illusions who I assure you will be back with Avengers. I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Till then, believe you with the Breakfast Club Close. R-Slash the Philip with a Y insisted he was a master manipulator. Hahaha! All the good guys were captured by the Triad gang about 5 minutes after the movie ended, and now they're all sex slaves.

Barely. Check out a rank of the racists. Ragnar the racists! Ragnar the racists! Can't hear that. Alright, this is exciting. I never got to do the count before. One, two, no. Cut, cut. This is going off the rails real fast. We're having a bad record.

All right, ready? One, two. One, two. One, two. Welcome back to Welcome back. We'll do it like that. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017 all rights reserved. podcast was a production of Buzzline with thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.