God Awful Movies - 104: GAM104: Dashavatar

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah break down the basket of animated Hindu insanity that is Dashavatar; the story of... a bunch of weird stuff happening. That's really as best as I can summarize. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

You say my wife isn't easy to jerk off this is gonna be this is gonna be super awkward no matter what packing my wife I would never say that about your wife So they're all smitten and they don't all mark makes that your wife is in fact easy to jerk off It's a positive thing. I'm saying I liked, I enjoyed. I'm thinking right now about it. Thank you. Keep your forgiven. God awful. Movie. movie

Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema except when Christian cinema Just isn't insane enough for us. I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah Everyone get ready for bad puns and math nerd jokes. That is Meroll. Bring to the table. And my greatest insecurities were realized on the air while I was gone. Thanks for that. Appreciate it.

Cool. Hey, I cut the proposal. No, you're not fat. That's fine. No, I'm big-boned in whatever. Great. And of course, sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Yeah, no, you're not fat. That's fine. No, I'm big-boned in whatever great And of course sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoons, sir? I'm a fucking Hindu. That's how I am

What a two-year anniversary present for us, huh? Right? The first year you go out to a nice dinner and the second year you do something weird. It's fitting. This is the dog costume anniversary, ladies and gentlemen, and we are getting into it. Oh my fucking God. All right. Without further ado, tell us, Heath, what the fuck did we watch? We watched Dashavatar.

It's the story of, it's complete nonsense. It's nonsense. It's like a toddler on acid telling you a two hour story. It's ridiculous. They should just call it and then, hello today. It's like a baby, it's like a baby David Cross on acid telling a story. It's fucking crazy. Hello today, it's like a baby David Cross on acetone stories fucking crazy.

And D.L.I. how bad was this movie? It was fucking awesome. That's how bad it was. Yeah, first of all, it's on Netflix. Well, I know we tell you like, yeah, you don't have to watch this one or you can watch this one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, two years of my life. I don't know if I care about Jesus. People do a thing. I care about Jesus now. And then I fucking peek it right here with this shit. This whole episode could just be us describing the movie.

Not a single joke. We could just write the pictures. There's not a boring second. There's awesome musical numbers. Pause the podcast. Watch this movie and take the ride with us because it is worth it. There's awesome musical numbers. Pause the podcast, watch this movie and take the ride with us because it is worth it. It's on my notes. It's just and then this happy. Yeah, exactly. That's all. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I've got to, before we dive all the way in, I want to give you a good idea. So this is a series of Hindu legends about the first nine incarnations of Vishnu in cartoon form and kid cartoon form, but they're just like weird old fables that were designed before stories made any fucking sense and only work if you don't visualize them, which is what

a cartoon is. I'm so gonna admit it. Yeah. And what that means is this movie is going to be a huge challenge for us to describe because the following sentences literally occur in my notes. Okay. And these again, these are not like, oh, I just came up with a funny thing to say, type notes. These are just keeping track of the action on the screen notes. All right. These were my three favorites. One. So the demon leaps into the seat to fight a water pig with his giant lollipop dot dot dot

two. And now an evil seahorse with a Mohawk flies through outer space dot dot dot. And finally, also dolphins are helping the chipmunks build a bridge for the army of monkeys and diapers. It's like it's like telling someone this whole episode is gonna be like telling you about a dream I had three weeks ago. So as we go through this Underfathers. Yeah, right. We are trying to squeeze 3000 years of Hindu crazy into a two hour episode like a right like imagine we watched a cartoon That was just the Bible, but we'd never read the fucking Bible I didn't have any idea what kind of craziness we were getting into

Right, it's like that but with brown people well but we'd never read the fucking Bible. I didn't have any idea what kind of craziness we were getting into, right? It's like that, but with brown people. Well, well, we get there, but there's less brown people than I would have guessed. I'll just say that more blue than brown, more brown. You're right, especially amongst the good guys. I'm all right. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Uh, yeah, I'm going to say best worst angry animals because they're so resentful.

Every animal looks like they just got like slingshot it into a pig's house. Just moments ago. I feel like the guys who made Angry Birds clearly saw this movie and then made a game. Yeah, or vice versa. Yeah, made a religion based on angry birds. I'm gonna go with best, worst, surprise, it's Vishnu. Now, I'm assuming you already turned off the podcast, went and watched the movie, you fucking should have.

If you're not, stop it. Go watch the movie. It's amazing. Strong disagree. But well, you already downloaded it, so that's fine. You whatever happens from ear on out, share it with a friend. Whatever you wanna do. Really, it's up to you. But what I'm saying is this is the best worst anytime there's a thing and you're like, Oh, what the fuck's that? Guess

what? It's Vishnu. It's always fucking Vishnu. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Like I said, we go through nine incarnations and really 10 because one of them, they don't count. But we go through nine different incarnations of vision. So nine times in this movie, it's like, surprise, it was vision of the whole time. It's like, yeah, we know now, because you've spoiled it. I was going to go with best, worst montage and also second, best, worst montage and also third, best, worst, I'm not going to spoil them now, but be on the look out for three of the most fucked up cartoon montages of all time as we go through this. And we can argue later about which is one, two and three there. All right, well, we've got about 900 pages of notes to get

through here. So we're going to keep the break brief and we come back. We'll dig into all the infant, decided, just those stories that are dash avataravatar All right, you guys ready to work and damn it Kill you Grant me a boon to defeat Heath guys What are you doing? What the hell is up with those outfits? Oh, we're a Hindu now What?

Why? Dude, did you watch the movie giant fish Rattle fights fucking old giant fish, rattle fights? Fucking rattle fights, Noah, rattle fights. And it all ends in Buddhism, Buddhism, the best one. Okay, guys, look, I know this week's movie is fun and weird, but it's still religious bullshit and we still have to break it down. Okay.

Or you take one of these rattles and I let you be pigfish new. Ooh, pigfish new, so fun. You should do it. Dabs, pigfish new. Pish new. And we're back for the breakdown. So we're going to open up on 18,000 production logos followed by Ganesha, which I just am now learning is not a production logo. That's a

God. Yeah, just quick question about Ganesha. It's the forearm God with the elephant face. Yeah. Do you think Ganesha has four dicks and like a dick trunk? Do they? What do you think? Wealing to back in Dick was a multi dick God in there somewhere.

We'll look it up. We'll look at it. Of course. If you're a Hindu and you're listening. Add it to the book. Yeah, exactly. It's a new idea. So now we cut to outer vagina space where a three-headed dude is spouting out of a lemon. It's gonna all be like that guys. I'm so sorry. Yeah, okay. Is this the actual side side? Is this the actual origin story of Hinduism? The universe started when a three headed white guy emerged from like a a wilting vagina. Yeah. That's what's going on in the stuff. Okay. And we established that heaven is for the gods, earth is for people, and netherworld is for demons who are not bad people. They are

just like a separate thing and they're just like generally dicks. But not all of them. They're brown people and we're going to get into that, but they're brown people. Yeah. And I also, according to this cartoon, the orbits of Jupiter and Saturn cross. Yeah. Also very close to the death star. I'm four seconds into this movie. Aren't they running into each other on like the 19th or something? You told me about pretty sure they smash into each other. You're going to see it right. He's gonna go see it exactly and his dad's play. So we're going. And at this point, we should point out that there is a combination of drawn animation and static shock level 3D animation in this movie. Yes. And it changes at a moment's notice.

You'll be looking at like a cartoon bird, flapping his wings, and then you're like, supposed to be on Saturn. And there is absolutely no transition. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So after the astronomically accurate opening, a la the Jetsons, we get the first of many songs. This is the Hail Lord Vishnu song. And I'm 100% in by the way, because this music, the beat dropped,

it was like, and then it was like, boy, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm whatever this religion is. Okay. So can we talk about the hard transition in this because this whole thing starts off about like happy. It has like sort of a lion king presentation, a symbol feel to it and all the animals are super happy. And then it takes this really dark turn, but the music doesn't change. Oh, you mean when it is like the planets, the stars, and then a man kills a baby?

A man with a kiss, a baby with a sword. In the montage, it's just like the grass will grow, the leaves will fly. A guy kills a baby with a sword. The ocean flows, and I feel like someone in the animators room was like, hey, sorry, I'm really thrown by one of these, the ocean flows, figure, you know, nature imagery. Yeah. Yeah.

But literally, okay, so we see that, you know, the world was great, but then it started to take a turn for the dark. So we see this snake and it's about to eat these two baby birds. And because that's too gruesome for you, we cut away to a man barging into a house, murdering a baby with a sword. Now, to be fair, we only see that in shadow, but we see that in shadow. And then we get like the whole village being enslaved and burned to the ground and people being whipped. This cartoon will contain multiple murders, multiple, lots of multiple, lots of murders. That will not be the least justified

murder in this movie right there. That baby in the credits, we don't know what that baby did. So yeah, but just then as the world is completely turning to shit, this news shows up. Um, well, a yellow blade from a skill saw shows up. Is that what you mean? Yeah. Well, that's Vishnu's magical vaporizing golden saw blade boomerang. One of his items, he's got a vaporizing lightning saw boomerang, a lantern, because, you know, got a vaporizing lightning saw boomerang, a lantern, because you know, a shell, a flower, I got to admit, seems kind of useless, that flower. Yeah, occasionally they descend in level of importance.

Well, occasionally I have six arms and throw in a bow and some other shit there, but yeah, get a leather men or something. It's just a weird choice. Yeah, seems weird to have those four arms, but always have shit in the hands. You know, it's like, can I have two other hands to just manipulate things with? But yeah. So, but here's the fucked up thing, right? So he shows up in the middle of this terrible part of the song. And he uses his golden saw blade to save those two little birds. The snake was about to eat not the baby that was going

to get murdered. He doesn't go save the baby. He saves those two little birds. Oh, he does what he can. Here's the thing. You know, you show up late and the party's already started. Babies already dead. At least he can do is kill those snakes with his razor. Well, that's true. I'm being awfully demand. You don't want to set the sage for saving baby's lives. This movie would get you're going to get being real harsh on Vishnu. Yeah. No, I am. I need to dial it back a little bit, be a little more culturally sensitive. He's not like Vishnu. There's my character in this movie. Well, I'd not mind. We'll get to mind eventually. But all right. But first we're going to get a spinning headline thing. This is how we're

going to get into the movie proper. The headline says, businessmen's children kidnapped huge ransom demanded. And as we're looking at that, we're listening to mom and dad in the background. And dad is very clearly abusing mom like beating mom over the kids getting kidnapped. He sure is. He is really blaming mom. And we like, there's a smack sound. We will never, it's not going to turn out that dad is the bad guy. We're never going to revisit this or anything. Are we saying bad parenting is not the problem for kidnapping? I feel like, well, I'm saying the fact that the dad is just casually beating the mom over it and the cartoon doesn't really like ever address that that was a bad behavior is a little scary. No, it's not her fault though.

Exactly what I'm saying. Exactly. We kind of we can guess it's your fault. It probably is her fault. Yeah, she's good. I mean, I know Thomas will have a scientist on to be like, oh, it's such a rare thing. But you know, you never land snake eyes if you don't roll the dice. That's what we're saying here is if your kid gets kidnapped, it's probably your fault.

Be better. I like it distance myself from myself. All right. So now we come up to the kids running through a haunted forest into Luigi's mansion. Apparently, yeah. And there's goons that are trying to chase him down kidnappers. Yeah. And they lock the door behind them and the goons are trying to batter the door down with

each other. It's pretty silly. Yeah. And I think we should like focus in on that at least a little bit that this is very clearly a kid's cartoon. The humor is for kids, the protagonist's circuits. This is not like it was because when we say shit like and then they murdered a baby, you're gonna be like, ah, you know, I've watched some pretty gruesome cartoons. This is definitely made for eight year olds.

Well, white eight year olds, are Indian kids mostly white again with the white characters? Well, they're up because we will later meet the parents and they are Indian. So apparently it's like a Pokemon thing. They reach a certain level and they darken up or it's a sonnets. Yeah, no, but there is a very clear like the good guys are white, the bad guys are brown in this movie and have a mustache. Yeah. And how much is evil? Yeah, very much so speaking of which, so the bad guys are trying to break in. And then the main bad guy shows up. He has the mustache. That's how you can tell. Um, and he's recommended that they just set the door on fire and that way they don't have to break it down. Now meanwhile, the, the two kids, it's a brother and a sister and the little boy is very clearly blaming

God for their situation. Yeah, they really have differing opinions on who's to blame for this. She's like, let's ask God for help. And he's like, fuck God. God is the problem. It's got to put a copy of God delusion shoves it under the door to try and block the fire. But the little girl does pray to Vishnu who hears them makes it rain, puts the fire out, gets off his snake bed. Well, yeah, he makes it rain, puts the fire out. It's off his snake bed.

Well, yeah, that's the get off the snake bed. I want to see someone pray for help with a grease fire and see the rain. That would have been fun. Shit, guys, I wasn't thinking I was. I was, this isn't, I was, you didn't tell you what I was doing on the snake bed, but my head wasn't super there. Thought I was doing sulfur. Fuck. That's on Vishnu.

That's on VN. I also love that the little boys just like, well, there's still bad guys out there, fish, you know, like that's not super impressed because that opens the door for fish, you to then ghost kung fu, all the bad guys. Yeah. What? And to be fair, the little boys like, we don't really know what happened. And I'm like, fuck you, little boy. Now you're being a dick. You need to give Vishnu some fucking

crap. Once he goes slams the bad guys, you got to be like, Hey, Vishnu, thank you. All right. Appreciate the intercession. Four push was good. Degrees burns, but the four push was solid. So yeah, so the bad guys are gone. They walk out and this is where they run into the priest, you know, who's like, Oh, yeah, no, you're okay because you prayed to Vishnu. And the little girls like, no, I actually prayed to Kriishna and the priest is like, yeah, that counts as Vishnu. And the little girl's like, our religion is weird. So he's like, really? Really? I'm about to tell you a story about Vishnu stapling

himself to a tree because he's mad at you. No, no, I'm going to tell you a story about Vishnu stapling himself to a tree because he's mad at you. No, no, I'm gonna tell you some basic morality tells that are online with the Greek myths, but we all agree or just myths. All right, buckle the fucking. It's awesome. We got to deal with this now because it never gets addressed and unfortunately me googling, why do they say nahar and nahar and every time they talk, you'll did nothing. But the priest, every time he begins to speak, we'll go nahar and nahar. It's yeah, naharaya, I believe is the word.

Yeah. Well, I ultimately God, right? Isn't he like the, he's like the highest level God reflection of self or whatever, the highest reflection of self. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Also, it can mean Vishnu and it can mean human being and all that. But that's like his catchphrase.

He opens all of his sentences with nah, nah, and he's never like, I do that because that's my thing. He's just, it's like a vocal tick. It's the, it's his version of a stutter. It's very distracting throughout the movie. I don't know why he does it. Do we know why he does it? No. distracting throughout the movie. I don't know why he does it. Do we know why he does it? No, it's just, it's just some, the Hindu sage thing that the priests say, I guess, and we're

supposed to already know that going in. And a few other people catch the tick actually. Yeah, eventually. Yeah, exactly. So he offers to like take them to Hindu heaven and teach them all about Vishnu's first nine avatars for the rest of this movie. But first they have to recite a month of the heaven getting to mantra with a little magic spell. Also, he says he's willing to introduce them to eternal truth and a full grown man willing to introduce two children to quote the eternal truth in the rain when they're all alone. I'm just saying, I call my penis the eternal truth in the rain when they're all alone. I'm just saying I call my penis the eternal truth for now. Because it's disappointing. He's got no shirt, gauge earrings. Yeah. Yeah. It's really weird when Eli walks up sometimes.

So they say their magic spell and that opens a wormhole to a place where they're dressed like priests and shit. And I love that the little boy is still like, I don't know. Yeah, that could be anything way too skeptical. Way too skeptical. You are in fucking heaven. No gratitude. Yeah. So also, this is where we meet smoking hot genie, who will show up in the movie to occasionally cry. This movie is absurdly easy to beat off to. Yeah. Absolutely. Especially Vishnu, because Vishnu's got those sweet abs. He's got those lines just above the thighs under the, it's a good thing. This one I'm saying. Yeah.

Christmas pretty hot too. So we're now going to learn the story of the first incarnation of Vishnu, I guess, which involves a magical evil space seahorse with Mohawk, right? Horse frog man. Horse frog. Blue Lagoon evil creature guy. Yeah. Yeah, that's him. So evil sea horse must must learn the Vedas from Brahma in order to become immortal, which would be bad. I guess it's basically inception, right? Is when Brahma sleeps, he like sleep mumbles that all the good of the universe. And if the horse can memorize them, he'll be immortal. Obviously. So he does. And he starts destroying planets with his fucking fireball attack because yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, okay. If you're like accidentally

you have questions uncontrollably reciting the secrets to the universe that evil people can just like lie up and eaves drop on like maybe get a CPAP or something like or private sleeping quarters. I'm just, you know, I'm throwing that out by the high grieve. Apparently, it's the name of the evil seahorse team and that stealing the Vadas. Yeah. And the genie chick is super worried about this. The kids that are watching on it. That's like a constant team in the movie. The kids are always like in the clouds watching or whatever. They start to run away because there's a Bowser fireball attack going on.

But this is where that priest, the Narayana Narayana guy shows back up. And he's just like, I don't worry guys, Vishnu's got dead shit. It does. Because that's when Vishnu comes flying in on bird person, which is absolutely positively the blue or the yellow angry bird that goes fast when you touch it. Oh, see, I thought it looked like bird person from Rick and Morty to me. Yeah, right. Well, yeah, when we first see him, he's an angry bird, but then we see it later.

It's like, oh, no, it's a human with an angry bird head and wings weird. So yeah, it apparently Vishnu is looking for a good priest that can be the Manu. I have no idea what I wrote there, but that's what I wrote it. It's a pair of. I have the word. Manu in my notes also. Yeah. Okay.

So okay. With no transition, a sage picks a baby fish up who asks to be his pet. It's awesome. The fish is like, Amen. Don't throw me. This is so much better than Noah's Ark because this is like their Noah's Ark. He's like, Amen. Don't throw me back in the water because the other big fish will fucking eat me. And he's like, don't worry, Nemo. I got you. You and I are homies. I'm going to put you in this pot in my house. Apparently we legitimately do not have cops. There will never be a cop in this party. Yeah.

So he takes the sweet little fish home and the fish within a day grows to approximately the size of a continent. Right. I thought he was going to fuck that fish. So the story went a different direction than I did. But yeah, he gets super big. And he's like, he's like too big for a bowl and then a well. And then he's like too big for the ocean at one point. And then he comes an angry fish. He does. Very like one of them would cut over some pigs with like their windows all fucked up

and just a pile of huge fish on the floor. Like, oh, come on. This is ridiculous. It's just supposed to make me buy bonuses and I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Should we call the, I don't know. And so basically, but this fish turns out it was fish knew the whole time. And the fish knew. Yeah, that's one of 10. And the priest is like, oh, dude, I am so sorry that I did not recognize you as a fish. You were a fish. That's why I didn't recognize that.

And fish was like, don't worry about it, man, I get it. Yeah, I was a fish. I mean, you know, what are you going to do? And there know a Zark is awesome because he's like, look, in seven days, world's going to have a flood. So grab all this sages and the birds and seeds and a giant snake. Do you mind grabbing a bird seed, Sages and a giant snake? But before we can get to all of that, we have to have like Vishnu now has to fight the evil seahorse who is still part of this story, but sort of unrelated now. I guess.

And Vishnu, this is one of again, many fist fights. We will watch Vishnu. This is one of again many fist fights. We will watch Vishnu This is like if your god was an Irish dad this whole Remember the first time watching my dad fight. I thought this is weird for adults to do Vishnu in the seahorse fight and he kicks the seahorse in the dick so hardy vomits out all the Vishnas Vedas, yeah The horse and the dick so hardy vomits out all the vision is betas betas So now now that that important threat is tied up I guess we go to the universal flood which seems unnecessary now Right, it seems like you'd be like oh, you know what?

I don't have to flood the world now. We got the Vedas back. We're all good But no You know, he's got a reputation to protect. If you say fire and fear, you got to back that up the next day, apparently. So we cut to all of the people ready to get on Hindu Noah's Ark and all of the people, they're going to repopulate the world apparently with seven old men and a little people animal play set worth of livestock. And I can't emphasize this enough. A giant snake. Yes. And also an ox by itself. Just by his.

Somebody who's not a bitch. Somebody who's not an ox is planning to fuck that off. That's what's clearly happening here. Well, they didn't bring any women. So they have to repopulate somehow, but they do have the ox and that giant snake, which again, another weird like how important are giant snakes? We made cuts. I feel like they didn't like like somebody's like who invited to 29 foot cobra guys?

Damn it. We only have so much. He's like we were all just walking this way and he started fucking coming. I don't know. The snake just shows up to all their parties. Hey guys, what's going on? You're gonna do the history. We're all taking separate ubers away. Cool.

Later. Wait, I'm going to play the guitar. I am the guy who says, yes, son, Facebook, and then actually shows up. And now the black pearl shows up to get them. I think it's worth pointing out. Unlike Noah's Ark, this is not a large bow. It's like a 40 footer for every animal and plant. Yeah, but luckily, unlike Noah's Ark, it does have a means of propulsion, which is apparently giant fish fish. Yeah, fish new fish new indeed. Giant fish new. So he drags him around and eventually they show up at Hindu Mount Ararat and then they thank fish new for killing everybody except them And apparently that's the end of that story. Oh, I one tiny moment the eagle sees the land first and flies off like a dick for dibs I just want to throw that out there

Where you can see the ego be like, ooh, ooh, ooh, and it's like, oh, fuck you, man, oh, fucking a wing. And what were they waiting for? What are their birds? Why do birds need a boat? Should he say it? Nobody ever explains birds or other boats

in any of the flood scenarios in any religion. Yeah, no, it was a fun one. So, all right, so now everybody's happy at heaven and earth and hot chicks and heaven are on swings, but it's was a fun one. So all right. So now everybody's happy at heaven and earth and hot chicks and having around swings, but it's getting a little cloudy. And also it seems like they could have played up heaven a little bit more than swing sets. That's fun. And it's not even swing. It's one swing. Yeah. Two other people are waiting. Like, like, like, the idea of mediocre heaven is funny,

but that's weird for like a propaganda movie. You get there like, and you want to play FIFA, but all the controllers are taken. And you finally get one, but the sticks kind of loose. And you're like, all right, can I get the like one that will and it's FIFA. Sorry, you know, what are you going to do? Oh, yeah, I can, I can look at soccer. So I can participate in the eighth most boring sport in the world. FIFA and soccer are both fantastic.

Oh, attack. He's going to beat me. Attack. And I'll tell you some show. So it turns out, okay, so storm clouds start rolling into heaven. The hottie sage or chick, whatever, nymph lady from before runs to the Narayan guy who is apparently the argument news. I guess he's like the Loki figure. I googled him. He's like the Loki figure except apparently he's the Loki figure who doesn't start any of the problems in any of the

myths. He just always shows up and he's like, Hey, this new, uh, something's happening. Uh, I know I'm the Loki figure, which would be weird because I should kind of start it. But, um, I, I'm really just here to tell you about it. Again, think you calm down a little like it starts some trouble. But yeah, this is not only this particular time. Yeah, that's just function in this movie. Like the Joker calling the cops. Did you get shit calm down? I'm I should I've got a bad man. I'm sorry about this, but there are two gentlemen outside and they're just sort of hanging out and like I don't know what's going on. They're not threatening, but I don't feel comfortable. I'm a clown. So, you know, it turns out that this story is the story of the curse of sage Dervasa who got all

pissed off because Indra didn't like the garland that he made for him. Yeah. And it was like, it was ridiculous. Like I will, I am kind of on Dervasa's side. He's like, Hey, man, I made you one of those little weird flower things from Hawaii. And he's like, dude, that is so fucked up. I'm going to have my elephant stomp on it. This is a piece of shit. You suck. Yeah. And then devases like fine. I'll fucking destroy heaven. That's one of my powers.

Blue. Yeah. Right. It feels like you wouldn't piss off the heaven destroying guy. And so or grant heaven destroying as the thing one. Yeah. Intelligently designing things. Yeah, you can really just cut this off in the root. One of many notes I have for Hinduism. I love the scene too, because the sage guys

like, well, only Vishnu can fix this. And then we immediately cut to Vishnu going, man, I can't fix this with like family guy timing. He's like, yeah, I got this whole DOJ thing. They really need to call these fucking decrees. Just left. Right. Yeah, that's their jurisdiction. So what we need to do is turn the sea and that sea as in the water, not sea as in cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Turn the sea and take the riches you find there and use them to rebuild heaven. Yes, but to do that for all that churning, you're going to need the help of the demons. Yep. And the other like minor gods. Yeah, all the minor minor guy the fat little one is my favorite the fucking like it's like three guys who all look like

Vishnu, but then like just Danny DeVito with a good Like Peter Griffin's face is like testicle chin. It's It's heaven. There's the ones some bread You guys are fucking crazy. You're over there stepping on flowers. I'm having unlimited You guys are fucking crazy. You're over there stepping on flowers. I'm having unlimited. The fucking delicious. I never get the runs. I'm in. So they head out to turn the sea. Now what? With this entails. We're about to look.

Pretty physical thing to happen. You're my life. Visually, you're your your objections before about to look pretty fucking stupid. So get ready to eat some humble pie. All right. So here's how this works. First, Vishnu needs to turn into a giant turtle with a mountain on his back. Obviously, obviously, so and then you take a 9,000 foot snake, you wrap them around the mountain. You invited him on the boat. He's in his friends standing there trying to

fucking massage a mountain back and forth. No, trying to make MVP hell. yeah. LeBron. So you get all the minor gods on one side and all the other, all the demons on the other side, like a, like a tug of war thing. And you take turns pulling and the mountain goes back and forth like a washing machine agitator, basically, and that causes bonuses and prizes to pop out of the ocean. Yeah, you get a high score and prizes come out of the ocean. Fucker, we're looking at it. And by the way, I should say this is the first time we see the demons and realize that they're just brown people.

Yeah, mustache brown people with horns. Yeah, horns. They got a couple couple couple of them have little tiny horns, but most of them don't generally if it's a demon It's just a darker skinned person in this movie. So they get back to churning now and various power-ups appear along the way But the demon guys are like nah, no, no, no, no, I fuck that. Showcase showdown pass Wait for the say you always wait for the film waiting for the nectar one. I'm not fucking stupid. And they were right. The next thing they were they were.

This is dude with a jug of nectar, I guess. Yeah. And so the demons run in and they're all fighting over who gets to drink the nectar first and punch in each other and the gods are all standing back going like this looks like a whole fucking mess. I will just go to Walmart the next day except for fat god. Yes. Eli God is like, no, I want the nectar too.

He tries to get in there. And they're like, seriously, dude, you always fucking do this. It's like, sorry, it's just there was food. I got excited. Right. Vishnu told us not to. I didn't get cake last time. The line nobody counted right.

It always happens. So it's but but as they're fighting on absurdly hot cartoon walks up to tell them that they should share the nectar and perhaps she will touch their penises later. She also looks a ton like my wife. I just want to throw that out. See, you made this really awkward. I don't see the resemblance, but all of me and Heath's notes are, wow, is she easy to jerk off to and your notes are, wow, she looks like my wife. You're saying my wife isn't easy to jerk off. This is gonna be, this is gonna be super awkward, no matter what. So they're all smitten and they're all Walmart makes that your wife is in fact easy to jerk off.

It's a positive thing. I'm saying I liked I enjoyed. I'm thinking right now about it. Thank you. Keith, you're forgiven. I really hope she doesn't listen to this show or my dad. I'm looking forward to the play, dad. I'm really looking forward to the play. I am a. Keith Sanhai. So now all the guys are smitten and and they let her take the nectar to the gods first, but first they have to do like a dance. A little look at that booty dance. Yes.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Very clearly. And in case you're wondering which portion of her body we're dancing over, the camera zooms in. It's the coin slot. Yeah, it's the coin slot. It's the coin slot. And then she has like a little bug's bunny and Elmer Fud, like making them kiss each other and making a, then she turns into crams and she turns it to a squid. She's a real jokester. It's good time. Yeah. She tricks the bad guys into being gay. That's like what's happening.

They're hugging her waist and then she disappears and they're like sucking a dick all of a sudden. Got him. And I just want to say this is basic. This whole musical thing is just a musical rendition of every woman I know is other in box on Facebook. Yes. You are so beautiful.

Awesome. You guys totally work. I would love to meet you. Beautiful princess. No, no, no, no. The lyrics are really awkward comments from like me and middle school, just like, Blurton, shit, your voice is very melodious.

I, stupid. Good. I'm not. It's like that because you sweat and they're I'm not wearing a bra. I'm not. Look at me throw this football. I said. It's right into the ground. sweat and they're I'm not wearing a bra look at me throw this football. So the song ends and now at just now the head demon shows up and points out that the

hot chick is just a more fuckable incarnation of fish new guys. Yeah. Also tiny little moment. Dady DeVito God gets blasted with a side tackle by a demon mustache guy in the middle of the sun. It relates to nothing. They were just like, and we'll have to tackle the fat guy. It's fucking awesome. We also should point out because this matters while she's convincing the demons to fuck

each other and stuff. She gives all the good gods the nectar. Yeah, so the demons attack the gods, but they're all nectar up. So they murder the people that were helping them and just wanted their fair share of the spoils that they were promised. The good guys do. Yeah. And so the gods become powerful once again and the curse of Dervos is lifted, I guess. Yeah. All right. Well, there we go.

So that was that whole fucking story. But just then the demons that they just killed, those demons mom shows up. They have the one mom to point out that the guys are definitely not the good guys in this story. And I love the very first thing we hear is like, Indra Indra. This is mom. Lois mom. Mom Indra.

Lord Indra. So Lord Indra. Ma. Oh my God. It's fucking amazing. Also, what a point out, I really enjoy that the Hindu myths all build on one another. It was like a. Oh, yeah, I get it tied into. really enjoy that the Hindu myths all build on one another. It was like a tie into it. Yeah,

they're all in the exact same way, though, like whoever, like the Vishnu just killed, there somebody is vowing revenge on heaven now. Still still. Yeah. So this is D.D. And she goes to bitch at her husband, while he's trying to meditate about all her kids getting killed. He seems super nonplussed by the kids getting killed part. Oh, he is so irritated. She's like, honey, I hate to bother you, but the gods killed our sons. And I'm like, super mad about it. So could you like, when you get a second, I know you're super busy. I'm like, oh, come on. Fourth quarter, four. Fine.

Whatever. Murder the gods. Sounds great. I don't know. Yeah. Fine. Have twin sons. Evil.

What do we normally do? I don't know. No, that looks like an important Twitter fight. I'll just take, I'm taking the paper. Don't text me later and ask me if I have the card because I do. I'm using it to go make more sons to kill the gods, okay? So yeah, so she he grants her two twin sons of divine retribution via palm for forehead bombing. God sex seems really boring, right? Like I mean they all seem to want

to fuck each other. I'm into forehead bombing. Oh, okay. One thing. We don't kink shame here on God awful movie. Thank you. Thank you, Eli. So anybody's listening, would you forehead palm my wife? Wasn't. So all right. So we see the two suns and grow up to be evil and air. I get notice I didn't answer the question. Yeah, you know, so we see the two sons grow up to be evil and arrogant. Notice I didn't answer the question. You know, I would. I was just kidding.

So the two sons grow to be all evil and arrogant and dear murder. All right, we learn this because they shoot a baby deer in the neck and then smash it with a giant rattle. That's a weird way to demonstrate characters in a cartoon. What is that weapon? We have it throughout. It's like a, it's, it looks like the giant cigarette bulb outside the rest of the smokers are racist. It's like a giant maraca is like a standard weapon for everyone.

All right. I'm complete dorks. So I know this. It's called a gada. It's like a giant mace or a gada yuda. And that's what it is. But I don't think you fight with them like swords. How many did they have at the Battle of Ashencore?

Maybe Cecil could tell us. You got to listen to all the shit. What does it dimension? What's the diameter of one of those things? Let's get into it. That does not seem, how did that happen? I don't know. I don't give that a pass.

Who was like, all right. Well, it looks like those guys over there have swords. Those seem to be pretty good at fighting. And one guy was like, no, no, no, hear me out. Giant, heavy piece of metal on a stick. Let me get a booey and a metal booey at a still. It's a, it's a maze that they use those throughout like in as melee weapons throughout me.

And the ancient world. All right. It does look like I mean in the cartoon, it's a gold lollipop. So like we can still make jokes about it. But yeah, going through plate full plate. All right. So. So the first of the brothers, the fat one, um, praise really, really good.

So Brahma grants him immortality and unbeatable. Apparently, if you pray hard enough, Brahma gives you one wish, whatever it is. Right. I call the boon. And he says, all right, I don't want to be killed by any human or any of the following animals. And he lists all the animals he wants to be invincible to. He's like a weird way to do this. This will come back. He's like snake.

All right, that's all the S's and the spider. So in his name is apparently heron yaksha and he is now the demon king. And he kidnaps the goddess of earth in an electric force field under the ocean, obviously. Right. So they all pray to Vishnu again, because all the other gods suck at everything. They're only called, they're only play as to call Vishnu. Well, I mean, if you think about it, there's somebody in an electric bubble under the ocean. Vishnu has one special power that most people don't have. You can turn into a boar and that's going to help you get electricity. The ocean bubble electric thing. Well, I think that's the bling because he turns into a boar with bling. I think the bling

grants him the ability to defeat the electricity. Oh, was it? Okay. I thought, I mean, like the boar was able to balance the bubble really nice. Yes, and his little nose. I mean, like the board was able to balance the bubble really nice. Yes, well, and his little nose. I mean, the little tusks. Yeah, the board was really well thought out. Yeah, well, it was a mer-bore, obviously, because it needed to go to the bottom of the ocean there. At this point in the movie, if Vishnu had said, you know what, Pug of Pegacorn, guys, that's what we're going to need for this one. I would be zero percent surprised.

Oh, the like eighth incarnations, just like some evil dragon and Carl comes in, you messed with the wrong. Oh, what's some garlic bread? Carl has some non canonical qualities that I talked about when you're not listening to the podcast. I love the garlic bread. So now, okay, argument me shows up to, to, to go the evil demon king, right? He just, he's just like, man, I bet my buddy Vishnu could whip you as I bet you're scared of Vishnu, huh? Are you scared of Vishnu? And he's like, I'm not at all scared of Vishnu. I have a fucking giant rattle. There's absolutely no way. He's hiding from me right now. And not out in guys like actually, he's a pig right now and he's saving that lady.

And he's like, oh, fuck him. I'm going to go kick the shit out of Vishnu. Really? He's a pig. Like he's not doing Dr. Manhattan guy with the last grade. All right. I feel like that's just good for me. Weird pick. Yeah. So, Haran Yaksha leaps into the sea with his giant lollipop of doom to fight a water peg. Yeah. That's what happened. But first pig Vishnu has to bring the earth goddess's electric bubble to the surface

to save her. And then it's time for the fight, but he can't fight as the pig. He has to turn into man bear pig. Man pig. This character could not look more like Pumba on HGH. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. He looks like a rule 42 of Puma the pig. Like he's absolutely. We're about to watch him rip for blowjob. Yeah, absolutely. A to moan with tits is about to start lathering on there. They use cartoon more than once. That's if it exists, there's porn of it. Is it a 34? Yeah, 34 rule 34. That's right. 42 is the

answer to life. The universe. Yeah, I knew where you were going. So yeah, so they, they punch each other. The demon king and man bear pig vision who punch each other for a while. They even have like vision who pulls out his own lollipop of doom. And eventually vision who gets the better of him turns back into full boar and then charges him to death. Right. Because when he was listing all the animals he didn't want to be able to be killed by, he forgot to say wild boar. Got him. Got him. Classic hubris. You didn't write man bear big in the little fine. Typical hubris.

Now, of course, he had a brother. So now that brother is going to vow revenge on Vishnu and destroy all the heavens or whatever. So it's time for him to pray to brother real, real super hard for Vishnu killing powers. Right. And I feel like Brahma should stop granting boons to just anyone who asks like you know what I'm saying? It's like I get Brahma likes the praying. But at a certain point you're part of the problem is one thing. Brahma is part of the problem. Definitely Brahma is part of the problem.

And I feel like, you know, an occasional conference call fixes this whole problem with like a trello board. Like how are we handling all the wishes for? Are we letting them attack heaven? We should really work this through. Like how are we handling all the wishes for from bat are we letting them attack heaven? We should really work this through. So he praise hard enough that he kept in planet can't stop him and he finally gets his boon from brahma and he asks for much more specific invincibility. Yeah. And at this point, I'm just like, you guys need Andrew. Right? Like, Andrew would button that shit down.

Fish will be like, fuck, there is no way I can get. God, go to fight this too. And any Andrew appears with like a stack of papers and he's like, there you go, this. Oh, you're Hindu. Guess you don't have a lawyer then. Nice try. I'm not finding a Jewish guy to represent Vishnam.

Right, but he doesn't list anywhere near. He's like, all right, so God, men, animals, inside, outside, east, west, over. That's all the dualities, right? I said over and under, right? Yeah, so okay, that's everything. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Less inclusive language would help here because like AIDS was not on us. He could have died of AIDS. That would not have been on his list. But anyway, it cuts and it's just the rest of the movie is Philadelphia, but it's cartoon form Tom Hanks.

Jesus. I didn't bring up AIDS. Hey, that would have been a much darker. I brought up AIDS. No, it brought up AIDS. You brought up the cartoon, fades. Yeah brought up the cartoon mates. Yeah, well No, I mean my mind was already in a car. I'm I'm I'll take Tell our voices a party. You have to be able to

Yeah, no shit boy. Jesus look at my Twitter timeline. Whatever anyone says is something to tweet me about Okay, so now The demon king and his name and listen up, as I'm only going to say this once is here on Yaka Shippu. And from here on out, I'm going to call him King Mutton Chop though. Nice. Oh, nice. So he goes to all his soldiers and he's like, Hey, guys, Brahma made me invincible and undefeatable. So don't really need you guys so much anymore. Sure. My wish was airtight. Did it in and out of rounder East West up down.

Somebody's like, what about left from other fuck left? Like, God damn it. I'm going to get outside outside. Yes. I did. Day time. Night. Yes. I got daytime. What about mid evening? Fuck off. Hold on. He did. I did. I did. Yes. I got daytime. What about mid evening? Fuck off. Hold on. He's going to come at me from the center. So stupid. But despite the fact that that King Mutton chop is invincible, he sends his not invincible armies out to

do all the killing. He's like, go kill everybody I don't like. And then we get the first of those three montages that I was going to, I was talking about. This is the post massacre montage of the cartoon. And I'm not talking about like, there's one scene where there's clearly a massacre. I'm talking about, there is a montage of scenes of his armies walking away from massacres. Very fine as cartoon. Can't emphasize enough how violent this cartoon is. But yeah, so apparently the people that were mass occurring were all the fish news worshipers except one. Because apparently King Mutton Choms very own son is a little fish new worship and piece of shit. Oh man. And his his bodyguard guy is like, dude, it is bad luck for your son to pray to the person you

want to fight. Let me just say right now, that's a bad sign sign right now. If like, if when Connor McGregor is climbing into the ring, he sees his son and his son is like, wave in a Floyd Mayweather poster. That's not a good sign. You don't want that. He's going to lose that boxing match because it it's not a big fantasy. Specializes isn't the kicking. And we find out that the kid learned about Vishnu as a fetus, which is a weird detail. And I'm thinking at this point that like Vishnu's gonna beat the demon

by turning into a fetus, because like he never mentioned unborn versus porn in his list of things. He can't beat him in a fight. Yeah. That would've been fun. Yeah. A fetus fight wouldn't have been super out of place either.

Like a bunch of fettus mingles on the floor, like the Hulk just a bet, bet, bet, bet, bet, strangling them with the umbilical cord. Yeah. There you go. Using it like Indiana Jones swinging from one side together. Yeah. That'd be awesome. So, but before we get there, we have to have a little musical number.

Now this will be the trying desperately to execute the prints who is nine years old musical number, which is going to include a lot of very poor knee shots of Vishnu. Yeah. Most of this montage is just super cheesecake shots of Vishnu's sweet bod. And that's what the kid is thinking about, right? That's what we're supposed to say is like the kid. They put him in a cave full of fire snakes, but they're fine. They can't hurt him because he loves Vishnu. He's thinking about Vishnu's dick and they try throwing him off a cliff, but he's thinking about Vishnu's dick. So Vishnu catches him and his big strong arms. And then, all right, I don't want to be alone in this.

So I need, I need you guys to be with me on this. So it's, they put him a K-Full Snakes, and then they throw him off a cliff. And then the third step is feeding him to a black woman while he's on fire. Yeah. That's what happens. Very clearly what they're doing.

How did that like decision get made like? We did snakes Work fires. We did the cliff thing. Yep. Yep, it's just all together I was so afraid he were gonna be weird if we didn't say If you didn't say black that would have been awkward We both said black, right? Yeah. Giant black, but only light everything on fire. Okay.

I said black. I mentioned it. But luckily for the kid, Vishnu shows up just in time teleports him away before the flaming black lady can eat him. So now dad comes into set him straight himself. He basically says, a stop worship and Vishnu, where I'm going to murder you with my giant lollipop. Right. And he's like, Hey, I mean, look, Dad, you're going to do what you're going to

do. But like, the vision is everywhere. Yeah. And dad's like, Oh, is he in this pillar over here and smashes one of the pillars in the room? How about this one? I smash it. I'm like, those are probably. Yeah, right. I wanted so badly for the thing to collapse on him and fishen who'd be like fucking got him. Yeah, that's that is certainly what I was expecting because that would be so in keeping with the type of story we're listening to, right? But it's it's way stupider than that actually. Yeah, because he's just in the pillar that he didn't smash. Well, right and also I would like to point out that when he said I couldn't be killed by any man or animal or God like building falling on you that would count But instead

we get Lionfish this silliest looking line with like freckles It's like a lion with like shitty recessive Irish DNA Fish knew I had imagine Lion O tried his hand at my mom. I have it is Ryan O Lion. But so it's time for them to have a gun a fight like like a sword fight, right? Like with maces just going back. Anyway, I'm way sillier because they're like, oh, yeah, bonk, bonk.

They might as well just like running to each other like when you have the like the giant fat suits on with like the big bull. The weapon make no sense. I don't get it right at the end of sticks. So so now this is this is where Vishnu is going to out clever this team and brother. You see he said he couldn't get killed by a man or a god or an animal, but Vishnu is now a man or a god or an animal, but Vishnu is now a man god-amal.

So, hmm, and also he said he couldn't be killed in the day or the night, but it's twilight. It's, it's evening. Yeah, it's in between. You didn't say anything about evening. And he said he couldn't be killed in the sky or in the air, but he's not on either. He's on Vishnu's thighs. And, and he said he couldn't be killed by any weapons. So Vishnu rips him to shreds with his bare hands.

I don't understand because like, I want to say we're going to be like, hate to be that guy, but we're clearly indoors. So we're talking about. We're on the porch, we're on the porch. Probably just flowed down. He goes under the hood for like an instant replay. Yeah. Yeah, it's actually night and no, a loophole thing to know. Yeah, no, and now he's in the sky. It's got your fuck, your fuck.

So yeah, so we watch Lion Vision of disembowel a human being in this cartoon. And then he turns into this forearm form and turns to the guy he just disemboweled sun and says, you're welcome. You're king. You're welcome. You're, you're okay. And the kids like, yeah, totally fine. I am not scarred at all. I feel like you could have told me to leave. Not, I don't, I hate to give you feedback, Vishnu, because you just disemboweled my dad. But,, but I think do you want to step outside was the first thing you should have done. That's my note for you.

Yeah. So that story's over now. And then Indra kills somebody else and somebody else vows vengeance against heaven or something now again. They ran out of vengeance against Vishnu. So it was like, uh, Indra fucked up again. Indra.

That's the other thing they have to go. And I love you. At this point, like, even the kid, right? The kid that's watching along in the story is like, holy shit, this is repetitive, right? That's Jesus. Only six. I'm happy to look at the script, though.

If you guys, something got a laptop, like I can come up with one more thing than this. I'm about to. You need one more thing. Okay. So here's a weird little character arc for you. Now, Deity, the mom of the evil twin demons is praying to Vishnu so that he can solve all the world's problems that came with from whatever Indra just did or whatever. And Vishnu shows up and says, don't worry, I will be born of your womb in no time flat. Yeah, and I feel like she was like, oh, hey, that is not what I signed up for. Actually, you know what? It's fine. It'll work itself. I'll talk to another God. Let me say a few of you can drink some poison

or something, I feel like born in my womb was not, can't just turn into another animal, huh? Because you've turned into an animal twice in a row and it feels weird that now you need to be born out of my womb. Can I give you that note? Can I give you? Can you just protect my kids without being inside of my uterus?

No. No. No. And we should point out Vishnu's wife is not, okay, so because she wants him to kill the latest demon king. And Vishnu's wife is not happy about him spending nine months and some other chicks vage, but it's because the king isn't that bad a guy, right? The demon king.

She's like, he's, he seems like a pretty nice, I mean, we had him over that one time for pizza and he paid. Yeah. Exactly. And he's like, don't worry. I'm not going to kill him this time. I'm going to trick him. Yeah.

Yeah. Just going to outsmart him. So all right. So now we cut to that king. That's King Bali, I guess. And he's entertaining Brahmins in his court. Who are Brahmins? The best of the priest.

The best of the priest. The priest cast of the cast. In case someone didn't know, I knew obviously that I cast you. But yeah, they're, they're, they're, they have their own podcasts. Oh my gosh. They're the people that you would touch if you were in India. And nobody else. Oh, yeah.

The people who shadows you would allow on you. Oh, so they're me, they're me. Okay, good to know. All right. So, so this prominent. They're the Jews of India. Yeah, there you go. Jesus.

They're not, they're not the Jews of India. Of India. So, okay, they're the Jews of India. So this little tiny brahmin comes in and the King's been super nice because the King's super nice. And he's like, Hey, Brahmin, you can have anything you want. And he says, I only want three steps of land. And the King's like, Sherman, because I could, I could throw in a bottle of gin or something

like it. I don't know what you're into it. And he's like, no, that's all I want. Three steps of land. No. All right. And the King's like, yeah, no, that's all I want three steps. Absolutely. No, all right. And the king's like, yeah, no, that's great. Let me wash your feet in an absurdly sexualized moment. And then the Brahmin grows into a universe sized Brahmin.

Yeah, damn it. And the bad guy who is like, see, it's fucking Vishnu. I thought it's always. Huddled up, huddled up. Everyone take a knee. It's always fucking Vishnu. All right. This is not going to happen four more times throughout this movie. And see now that he's entirely giant and shit, his footsteps cover the entire world. So the three steps of land he wanted included heaven and the earth and the netherworld and the other demons are like, Hey, dude, that's cheating. That is you are so clearly fucking cheating. Let's kill him. But the king is like, no, because he's huge and he would fuck y'all up. So instead of my guy's fighting,

fighting you, I'm going to let you step on my head. Giant Vishnu. Go ahead and squish me. Got me. Gun. Squish me and he's like, you know what? You know what? I won't squish you. Yeah. I'll let you be the ruler of the

Netherworld after all. And then that story's over. That's the happy ending. Nice little compromise on that story. Yeah. I like it. And of course, it's time for another song. But this is the laser light show part of the movie.

Yes, it is. It's all the Christian movies sucked by comparison. They're rainbow portals and fucking, they have a cloud fight. This musical number is the fucking best. Oh, it's either doing care bear stuff. Like, oh, boy, if you get to do care bear stuff in Hinduism. I'm totally in cloud teeter Todd. There's two end gasms two votes. And then there's like, there's flowers

turning into butterflies. They again, yeah, there's the cloud ball. It's great. But I feel like I must have taken too much acid and it's about to go down. It's about to peg me in the face with an orange. You're like, you're way up in a bathtub. We're up. Oh, fuck. All right. Well, we're halfway through this news incarnation.

And damn, if we are into break, but first I got to give act three, the hard sell here. Do those noises smell purple to you? Have you ever really looked into the dollar bill? What the fuck was in that brownie? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the joyously apocalyptic conclusion of the Shavatar. Hi, I'm Heathen Wright and I'm Eli Bosnick.

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Check out VIP tickets. We even just go to hold regular seats. But act now, because once these live shows are over, I'm not leaving my city for a fucking decade. Platinum night, link in the show notes. Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, sex with each other.

Sex. That was, you were fast to that. Yeah. Good cover. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left off, King Bali was ruling another world and always writing the three worlds except for all the rampant arrogance and torture of the innocent and helpless. Of course. Damn it.

Everyone's always a dick. Right. So now Vishnu incarnates as the son of sage Jhama Dungi, Dogney or something. Hey, he reincarnates as a fucking axe warrior superhero this time. Yeah. He's got a sweet whip and when he shoots one arrow, it's a bunch of arrows and he's got a sword jump. Quick note, should have closed with arrows. So jump was kind of a de-escalation. Yeah, that, you know, if you just punched the

top of a mountain off with your fist, jumping with a sword is not going to impress. Also, why a diaper? Yeah. Weird pick. Is this is our choice? Is this fish new? Now, yeah, in set like all these cartoon dudes are looking the same to me. I don't know. Is that racist? If that is racist, it's a cartoon.

It's cartoon racist. Cartoon. They have the races reversed. So maybe I'm pro, whatever the opposite of this body Indian people. So it's not racist. I learned that. Thank you. Yeah. You like. You go. Um You like? Okay. So that's on the record. Now we hit right away. We get that this new incarnation of the axe warrior is like he's got the ninja skills and the whip

and the multi arrow thing and the mountain crushing. But more importantly, Brahma or Chiva or Vishnu, I can't even fucking tell, give him an ax. All the gods look the same to me. That's racist for sure. Yeah, exactly a theist. No, fuck damn. It's taken. But yeah, so, so are you so much more money now?

But anyway, so he gets a magical axe that'll allow him to kill anybody. That's going to be super important. Then one day, on his farm, at his family's place, when he's away, they're feeding some of the Kingsmen and the Kingsmen realize that they have one of them, their magic cows. And the King would love to have a magic cow. What was magic about the cow? They claimed that it fed everyone real fast. That's the man.

Did it cook? Did it make eggs? How did it cow feed? Yes. Is there a giant chunk of meat missing, facing away from the cartoon camera? What the fuck's happening? That cow, by the way, I googled it.

That cow is like a special magic cow that Hindus believe in. And that is the otherwise known as the mother of all cows. And sometimes she has a woman's torso and a cow's lower. Yeah. Okay. Oh no. Now I'm on board. Well, and now that makes this line make a lot more sense, right? Because the guy comes up to, uh, Axe warrior, Vishnu's dad and says, Hey man, we want the cow. Name your price. And he's like, I couldn't sell that cow. That cow is like my mother, which is the second creepiest answer you could give about that. Just got to the farmer and like combo gods, three heads, all breastfeeding at the same time. So yeah, but he won't sell the cow. Well, damn it. They're not going to take no for an answer. So they take the cow in this absurdly emotional moment, right? Yeah.

So Vishnu comes back and he's like, oh, what, where's the cow? And they're like, they stole it. And he's like, why'd you let him steal the cow? And he's like, cause I'm not ax guy who could shoot multiple arrows, dick. That's's why let them steal the cow. And then he has this amazing, like, you might be helpless, but I am not. I am going to kill and destroy all the bad people. Would seem like a weird escalation. Am I wrong? Was that not a weird? Yeah, got got pretty bad pretty quick. This knew the barbarians swearing cow vengeance is what happens. Again, I'm again, I'm confused by who's who this is like was the king, not the same fucking cartoon as this guy who vision is in now. Yeah, all of the fucking cartoons start looking

the same real quick in this one. but no, this is a different guy. Acts warrior man. Okay. Question. If you guys were putting together a cast system, how would you rank everyone? So by height, we heads to the palace. Oh, wait. Wait.

So he heads to the palace to get his damn cow back. And he shows up and he's like trying to be all badass, but he's asking for a cow. So there's only so much he can do. He's like, give me back my cow. Bring it on bitches. And so the king is pissed. He sends out an army against a guy with an axe, but it does okay, because he loses some of those multi fire arrows,

which by the way you get by killing Linus, if you didn't know. Fire and fury like the world has never seen. And he's just slaughtered. I'm a total truck just firing arrows at North Korea. Here we go. What are these? You're gonna work. I got these from my.

Nobody seen these. Have. Have. Have. That one almost cut the grass on fire. Pat Pat. Pat Pat. Here you with long darts. You don't even have a bow.

How about my general said that this is how all wars start for that. I I also love to that at this point. Well, he's killing all of those people with his acts and his arrows and shit, the kids, right, that are watching along turn to the, the, the sage guy or whatever and go, in this kind of a fucked up thing to show a kid. Exactly. They're like, Hey, this is a weird cartoon.

And he's like, close your eyes then, all right? You don't like it. Close your eyes. And the nymph is like, yeah, but I can still hear the people being murdered down below. And he's like, well, then close your ears. Whatever. So she does. Yeah. And she's like, oh, yeah, no wait, that's much better. If I see no evil here, no evil this yet. So yeah, so Vishnu kills every single one of these people. And now the king comes to like face off against him.

The king by the way has six arms that regenerate when they're sliced off. It seems like the kind of thing we would have mentioned. Yeah, but he just for he's like see arms grow back. Gotcha. And then he just throws the ax that I mean he's dead. Yeah, where he uses it like an axorang. And he's like, yeah, do regenerating arms doesn't really help if I hit you in a head with an ax does it. He's like, fuck, yeah, I really use this like an axorang. And he's like, yeah, regenerating arms doesn't really help. But by hitting a head with an ax, does he like fuck? Yeah, I didn't really think about that. We're inside and not out. It's a idea anyway.

I said, axes and not axes. Damn it. What does it work? You have to name it. Didn't use this an ax. Ah, isn't that everything? Axes and not axes. It's not all the things.

That's all inclusive. And so now Vishnu has killed everybody. So he returns with the cow that he just massacred thousands of people over. Yeah. Yeah. Is your fucking mom cow just don't lose her again. It's a whole thing. And of course, since it's been six whole scenes or so since anyone vowed revenge against

anyone, now the cow- thief in King's son vows to kill Ninja Vishnuthabar Barbarium. Right. So they go and they kill his dad and they're like, good, there. See you killed our dad. We killed your dad. This is going to end well. You just killed a whole army of people and freaked out about a stolen, not murdered cow. So I'm sure this is going to be squaresies. See, yeah. No more avenging, attacking heavy, which is gun. We call that end of no more attack. We have a double stamp of double stamps. Yeah. Exactly. It's over now.

And it's so easy. The way that they just walk up to the guys dead, the ax guy's dad and they just kill him. They just like angry axe guy. He does a lot of angry standing. He should just do it next to the house. And then I'm like, I saved a lot of problems. I'm gonna praise invincible.

So so Vishnu hears his mother crying out. So he runs back and she says, oh, you know, your dad was killed by the princes by the sons of the king that you murdered. Oh, I'm so very upset. Oh, if only someone would avenge this in the next scene. And he and this my favorite two lines, he goes, they haven't killed my father. They have brought about their destruction. Like that's not an or that's an aunt. That's what they have done. Right. And then he goes the amount of times you have beaten your chest is the amount of times I will destroy their dynasty. And I want to be like so once, this is not like, are you going to bring him back and then destroy.

All right. Enjoy your killing spree on work on your banter. You got to stop. How many chest beats was this is serious. We're kind of just I'm deciding how many times to kill a fucking dynasty. So now we get the second worst cartoon montage of all time. That would be the genocide montage. He throws the axe and kills like 8,000 people. Yeah. Like the axe just like shoots arrows while it's a boomerang. Who the fuck even knows? I feel like arrows should go out and stop right before people and then hit them with an axe. That would be sweet.

That would be sweet. Yeah, the reverse. We would make a much better religion than these guys did. I'm just saying I don't know. I don't know about arrows with PTSD. Yeah. To be beaten their wives. All right. guys did I'm just saying about arrows with PTSD. Yeah. Beating their wives.

All right, maybe we wouldn't who that one was. So, so we'll work on that one. Vishnu got gets done with his murder spray. He has wiped out an entire people. Um, but he does get in trouble for that, right? Like an old sage shows something that's like, dude, now all the people are dead. He's like, but I got my I got my cow no no he's fucking with my cow anymore and he's like no no go sit and time out for the rest of your life this particular life yeah far I want to go to my room it's where my stuff is spend the rest of my life in sacrifice and repentance spend the rest of my life in sacrifice and repentance. And now we have the second moment where like the argument muse has to go see Vishnu and be like, dude, ever since your last incarnation where you killed everybody, things are super fucked up.

Like that seemed like a bad idea over a cow. Can you fix that shit? Right. And he's like, all right, new plan. I'm going to turn into a really good king. And yeah, fix everything. The sage guy's like, oh, you can, you just turn into kings. Did that not seem like a good idea until now? To get a bear pig, you thought maybe that would be better.

It would be a man bear pig or a turtle with a mountain. Wanted to do the pig in line. The first you know this. You know what I like doing my life. a man bear pig or a turtle with a mountain. Wanted to do the pig in line? Stip first. You know this. You know what I like doing my life. And my pig got the animal out of my system. And now I'm ready to be a good king. Yeah.

So this is the incarnation of the legendary king, Rom, Prince of Iodaya, Iodia, CD Rom's are named after him. Fun fact. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah. Different spelling. I think the neither random access memory after either of those things. I don't know what that word means. So there's three words. So, but the, but he becomes a prince, but the queen wants his brother to be king. So she says him out camping for 14 years.

Maybe, maybe incarnate is shitty mom for a second in change. What more worried about who I incarnate as? So yeah, so the dad is like, dude, I'm sorry, I told her I would get her anything she wanted for her birthday. And she said she wanted you to be an exile for four. I was not expecting that. I mean, like that seems really like a weird thing for her to say.

And he has this amazing. He's like, Dad, you're embarrassing me. And I'm like, Chris, I like, What? Don't be such a dick. But now we should point out that his brother, Barat, the, the, or whatever the fucking is, his brother's name was, was not in on this whole deal.

This is just bitchy mom's fault. So we see him going out to his ex-out, but his brother shows up and he's like, hey, man, super sorry about what a bitch my mom was. Whoa. Hey, brats, men, ramen. We're brothers. We're brothers. It's the worst.

I'm so sorry. I said it was my idea to get the tiles. That is amazing. I don't is how she got that idea, but yeah, I'll keep your shoes on the throne while I'm ruling as king. Yeah, everyone knows. I saved your spot. They argue back and forth and eventually decide that Rams flip fl skid to be the king like What is what is the shoe thing? I don't understand like hey, so what are we doing about this? Just don't exile yourself come back like no, sorry that won't work and then like what if we do the shoe The yes

We'll put the shoe on the throne and then I thought you were to say we feed mom to a black lady while she's on fire. So we have to do this. Can you just reincarnate as me? Don't start. Don't start. Stop it. And now, okay, so he's in exile. The brother's off.

He won't be in the story anymore. And now some chick we've never met really wants to fuck Ram and she like pops out of the woods just veg first, you know, just like, Hey, you want to fuck? Hey, come here, come here. Look at this. Fuck this. Yeah. And he's like, No, sorry, I'm already mad. And she's like, Oh, well, if I kill your wife, will you marry me? And he's like that. That is an odd step to take. And it's an odd response to no. He reacts a little too casual there. Like he finishes the sentence. He's like, what if I, if you murder

why my wife right now, it's like a whole thing, paperwork. I don't know. Is that what you're going to say? Murder, no, don't. Yeah. And, but so he says no. He says he's no, even if you murder my wife, I still won't marry you. So she turns into the wicked witch of the far east and starts chasing the wife around

to kill her. So Ram chops off her nose. Yeah. I feel like that's something you have to be trying for, right? Like you don't accidentally, that wouldn't even be, your sword wouldn't even be at a nose chopping angle if that's not what you were trying to do. He was going for a block and she leaned into it, Maybe he was like, I like a wax off thing. Why'd you move your face sideways? Yeah. Why did you look over there? It was a south over there. So yeah, but she vows revenge

for him, cut her nose off because that's all this movie has. So she goes to see her brother. The reason. Oh, Ravon, I believe, is his name. Yeah, Danny Treo. He has a great name. Danny Treo. Danny Treo. Yeah. Well, yeah, seven heads, but only when he's really pissed.

Now, you wouldn't like me when I'm multi-headed. Yeah. Okay. The movie's getting super lazy. Like, all right, you want to do extra heads for this guy? Let's give her six. Let's give it. Let's give him six arms.

I already did that. Six extra heads. Seven heads. Great. Happy hour. Happy hour. Let's do it. Four penises.

We're in there somewhere. Yeah. So the seven headed brother decides that they should challenge ROM to a video game tournament. I don't even know. They're like, well, challenge him to games. He won't be able to resist. It's like, yeah, no, he really likes access analysis. I guess. And then he, he doesn't evil laugh with himself, which is very cool. If you evil laugh, you have like a crowd of

hype, man. So yeah. So the seven headed bad guy and his uncle, I guess, who was also the evil, yeah, they all looked the same. Goes to the forest where, where Ram is and wants to lure Ram away. So he tells his uncle to turn into a golden deer. And I wanted them to, I wanted them to have a fight where he's like, how come I always have to be the deer? And he's like, you're the fucking deer. You're never the deer? And he's like, you're never the deer. And what I don't understand, like they're trying to like distract the good guys here with a shiny metallic deer with red eyes. Just natural whistling down. Just a and then just lay normal golden deer. Golden deer with red eyes.

Red eyes walking. Yeah. Well, also it's so bizarre because the wife's like, oh, honey, look, it's a golden deer. I want that and I was like, no, I'll kill it for you. I like kill it for really? I think it's related to the shape shifter from yesterday with the nose.

We have to cut it now. Now, hold my breath. I got it. I got it. I got it. A golden deer. So he sneaks off into the woods to try to kill the golden deer. And he does. But as soon as he does, it turns into his brother-in-law with an arrow in his neck. No, no, no, that's the uncle. And the uncle now uses his voice imitation powers, which he has to be like, I am wrong. Come help me. Help me. I'm wrong. Yeah, I see. Okay. Yeah. This the brother shows up later. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, so this plot makes sense. Now, now we've explained it correctly.

You guys get it. Cool. So, well, that's all going on. The seven headed dude has disguised himself as a beggar and wants to go in and get the wife. But some other person who's also there has drawn a magic line that evil people can't cross around the house. Yeah. Like you do. This is why poor people should have electric fence things on them.

This is what it would be. Thank you. Thank you., we're gonna find out what happens now. Thank you. He cut all that out of the other day scathing so no one's We're on the same page finally, okay, so not saying which side of the electric fence So now rum realizes his wife's and he's out in the woods and he's like, oh, you know, they're going to go, they're going to come from my wife. So he starts running, but of course, he's too far away. She crosses the line to give the fake beggar alms and a kidnap her on his giant horse bird book. But it's like the most depressed bird ever. They give us this crazy close up on the bird's faces like droopy dog the bird.

He's like 26 reasons why the bird. It's great. And there's a great moment here that's related to the myth, but doesn't get explained in the cartoon. Another bird comes and tries to stop him from cameamping her and he kills it with a sword and she reacts really emotionally. And that's because that's a character in the myth But not in the card. Yeah, right. I was just like that's a weird connection to have with that random bird Yeah, right no that's it, but just as they're getting away

Gleek shows up you guys remember gleeke gleeke shows up. You guys remember gleeke? Lendard twins. He's, it's, there is a flying, this is Hanuman, the flying monkey. And he will be part of this story now, a flying monkey. And he shows up with a top gun rip off music. It's off by like one note. Like the NLI stole it and made top gun with, na na na na na na. It's really good. So yeah, so the monkey shows up and he's like, don't worry, guys, I'll help you find your wife. First, let me grow to King Kong size.

And then I'll Superman you guys over to monkey kingdom. Monkey kingdom. This is really what's happening on screen. Okay. So now we have another song. This is the Hale to Ram song. And if you just plucked this out of the movie, like if there was one thing you wanted to watch and really get the insanity of it, watch this as a music video,

right? The monkey flying montage where they build the, where the dolphins and the chipmunks all come and build a bridge for the monkey army. And by the way, this bridge for the monkey army is based on this. Ram is so great. I looked this up. Ram is so great that if you write his name on rocks, they float and can support human weight. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. That's the bridge of their building. That was when, oh, and that's with all the rocks had his name. Oh, how Jesus. And also the dolphins and chipmunks were apparently carving his name into. Okay. Yeah. But then the, okay, so the monkey finds Ram's wife, but just as he's about to get away,

they last saw him and kidnapped him. And then they set his tail on fire. So he escapes and burns their town to the ground with his fiery tail. Yes, they light his tail on fire. And he's just like, jokes on you, Pacau, I have Alma breaking out of my ropes, powers, and just runs over lights their whole house on fire. And then we have a shot of him proudly standing next to like an entire burning city with people screaming and dying. Like I did it. Yes. With like Sesame Street

music playing. Like the month that arsonist on Sesame Street. Yes. Absolutely. With like Sesame Street music playing. Like the muffin arsonist on Sesame Street. Yes, absolutely. So then a giant version of Cheat shows up, but Ram kills him with an arrow and then Ravon and Ram have to fight using arrows that each have a different arcanoid power up. Yeah. Arrow fight.

There's like shooting each other's arrows out of the errands. Shit. Yeah. Amazing. Fun fact, one of the recommendations we've had for years is there is apparently a Bollywood movie that is a live action version of this story. And we are and live action monkey army. It fuck yes, dude. It fuck yes. I think it was been overridden.

Um, yeah, two thirds, two thirds majority. So yeah, so he fire and fury like you've never seen. So Rob kills Rob on by hitting him in the navel with an arrow. That's his weak spot. That's where he was glowing. Um, and he gets his wife back and then 14 years later, he's allowed to stop camping. So everybody says, hooray and, and, and ram gets to be the king. And that's the end of that story because now it's time for incarnation number eight. Now before we get to this one, we have to meet our new evil king named cons who has

really pissed off the earth goddess. So she goes to see Vishnu and says, yeah, he's like set me on fire and just like plowing me and not in a good way. And I mean, so pulling out of the Paris accord, I really need to take care of this. So right now, someone is complaining to Vishnu about Trump just so you know. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so we reincarnated as Kim Jong Un.

So Vishnu says, hey, don't worry, earth, and my wife who is also concerned, I'm going to be born as Consisters eighth kid, and I'll kill him as that. And for some fucking reason, Earth Goddess goes and says, Hey, cons, you think you're so bad ass? Visitor's gonna be born as your sister's eighth kid and then he's gonna kill you. Oh, she's like that girlfriend who gets you into fight. She's like, my friend is fucking karate and he'll kick the shit out of you. And you're like, Hey, I took Taekwondo for three years when I was eight. Can you fucking not? I got a call in Uber ask get to run over this guy. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, all

right. So that's the plan. Eighth kid. It's totally gonna work. Just don't say it. You're on speaker. Oh, really? Okay. We totally got four. So yeah. So he finds that. So he puts Really? What are you telling the guy for? So, yeah, so he finds that. So he puts his sister in prison with her husband and he's like, quick, have eight babies so I can kill all of them and they do. Why? Why do you need to murder each baby? Right, right, you can't just kill the eight one. He killed the eight one. But, well, the reason they have to do that is so that we can get an honest

to God, I am not fucking kidding. It's in the movie, baby killing montage. Baby killing mount. I had to go get my wife, right? Cause like, I have a general rule when I watch movies that if there's a baby killing montage, I have to stop for a while. So I go to my wife and she's like, are you taking a break? I'm like, yeah, there's a baby killing montage. She's like, no, there wasn't. I was like, no, come here. Look, there's a baby killing montage. Um, and so they show like a series of babies. Now we're only seeing the shadow, right? So it's not violent. But they're in these like ridiculously comical ways. And apparently the guy has to kill each baby a different way. He's fired about a cannon. I'm from around on him by the end.

He's just like, all right, all right, baby, you sit under this anvil covered in butter, but you have lactose intolerance. And then I then I filled your epiphen with bees. This is eight kids is a lot, guys. It's a lot. Yeah. So and also, by the way, again, the kids in the movie that are watching along with sage and the nymph and everything are just like, well, it seems kind of fucked up. Why wouldn't he just be the first kid and then other seven kids wouldn't have to die? And he's like, yeah, who the fuck? That was right. Seems like a thing that Vishnu had an option to do.

He know about the positive integers less than eight. And it's like, it's a handful of better numbers of kids to kill here. I don't know. Yeah, it's another note for you, Vish. So seven dead kids in. One night a blue baby just appears next to them, imprisoned with the mom and the dad and all the dead kids, I guess they're probably still there.

And the goddess, goddess shows up and says, hey, swap this baby out for some other person's baby. What? How does this strategy work? Why instead of the baby to the killing place, Just if you can make up the baby leave, that you don't want it done. Don't bring one back in. So bait and switch for no reason,

just to murder a baby, plot murdering a baby. As God's plan, they're like, yeah, you know, seven babies had to die. It's really sad. And then put a ninth baby in to get under that. Okay, now this is a baby killing thing. This is about you, like you, the baby's dying. I'm, this is on baby killing thing. This is about you, like you, baby's dying. This is on

you now, Vishnu. Man, this is a fucked up cartoon. And okay, so the dad has now carried the baby off to be swapped out with another baby. The evil King Kong shows up and he's going to kill the baby that's there because there's a baby there. But actually that baby turns out to be a god in disguise because I think honestly because even the people making this cartoon are like, we can't have them bring back a baby just to get murdered guys. We're going to draw a reasonable line. Right here.

We're going to be rated G with eight baby murders. Yeah, exactly. There's a limit guys. They have a hard limit. Well, nine because we did have the other baby murder early. We needed to be for Ganesh. Um, so now we get baby Vishnu. And this is, and this is apparently Krishna, who is blue. Krishna is blue like Vishnu.

And Krishna is a little kid that's just always causing mischief and eating butter by the handful. It's he that's maybe he. Oh, man. Remember when your mom, remember when your mom was to spend a pot of butter from the sea and you'd have to find a way to climb up on your friends to get it. But don't use your hands. I mean, gross.

Like use a spoon. Well, also, so the mom comes in like, Krishna gets the butter and the mom comes and says, Krishna, you ate all the butter. And Indian Krishna is like, no, I didn't eat any. She's like, let me, let me look in your mouth. She looks in his mouth. And there's a galaxy in there. Saturn hits mom in the face. Wait a minute. Something like fuck fine. You can have the butter. Jesus. Right. And then he grows up and everyone wants to fuck him. Everyone wants to fuck Krishna.

Uh, including the small children in heaven that are like helping us tell the story. It's horrible. It's a good choice. Oh, I was fuck. I was like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,. Oh, I was fuck I was like, mm-hmm. No, that blue dick's. Blue dick. I'm six. But Krishna, Krishna's like, Hey, hey, because they're all fighting over him. They're like, no, I want to dance with Krishna. I want he's like, Hey, hey, hey, how about an orgy? Yeah, I know he splits himself into like four different hymns like Dr. Manhattan and, uh, and they all, uh, he fucks everybody. And then we get another song about how fun it is for

everyone to fuck Krishna. So as a bunch better than Judeo Christian religion. When did Muhammad split himself into four Muhammad's to fuck a bunch of nine. Right. Never. Never. I'm going to put himself into four mahamids to fuck a bunch of nine or never, never, never. Right. So, Daisy Chan works for God. This is fine. Whatever. I'm seven blue dicks now. Yeah, I mean.

So, okay. So now we cut to heaven. And the gods are all pissed off that nobody wants to fuck them anymore because everybody's worried about fucking Krishna. So Indra is going to start some shit. He's going to start some storms and some earthquakes and whatnot. Just fire this guy. Let's fire this guy. He's not doing a great job as head god. We do a little housekeeping. Andrew is, Indra really not doing, not doing the work.

We do not like, no, but you know what? It's up to Congress to impeach his ass. So let's, let's make sure we put some of the blame there. Um, now, okay, I also, I love, because Christiana is like, oh, lightning and earthquakes and shit, it must be that the gods are so pissed because so many women want to fuck me. And I know that guy, right? I know several of that, oh, there's storms must be the gods angry at how hot I am. So Krishna though is so bad. Ask the Christian's like, oh, you got lightning and shit. Here, I'll take care of that with my pinky, just my pinky, so all it takes. And you're like, all right, man, you win.

Yeah, fuck, I got nothing, dude. I'm out. But meanwhile, cons the evil king is super pissed about everybody loving Krishna so much. Right. So he organizes a contest to like lure him in. Yeah, right. And the plan is they'll get him to the contest and then these giant guys will kill him in wrestling.

Yeah, except Krishna is a better wrestler than all the giant guys. Firstly, it's a break of bow in this thing. This is amazing. Why? I looked at this up as well. Again, this is the cartoon doing a short version of a myth. It's a bow breaking contest. This is supposed to be a super strong, unbreakable bow.

But in the cartoon, it just looks like it's like, oh, here is my finest bow. And Krishna just walks over and it's like snap. There you go. Fuck your bro. Fuck your bro. Yeah, Graham, I feet into his couch and fucked his bow. And then okay, so he beats the two big guys, but now he has to sword fight with the king.

We kill us with a spear and up in the, up in heaven by the way, the kids are watching and they're like, yay, Vishnu, he killed more people and the music says, whoa, whoa, whoa, he is just getting warmed up guys. That's just one guy he killed. He's gonna kill a lot. He killed him. And then we get the Korok Chattro war apparently.

Right, when this is the foundation of the boggared godfida, right? Baka Bagida. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's that word. And I'm just thinking to myself, as we're watching this, I'm like, man, I bet Hindu Dan Karlin's show is awesome. Right? I want Dan Karlin to do this one.

Crazy, crazy billionaire money. He would do this for me. All right. Oh, that's our pie. We're going to acquire hardcore history. Dan, let us know what price you are asking. And we will make a very reasonable offer. And if not, hey, you know what, we can just take the cow too.

I'm just saying, I've seen how well that works out. Do you have a daughter? I'll kidnap your daughter. I probably should know you probably should have Dan. Dan, car has daughter. No, probably not. as part of the negotiation. I should see that because he might be like, that's that grand. Yeah. Right. Probably what you say. You're breaking my balls, Dan. Carlin. You're breaking them. So here's your daughter back. So they're getting ready to go off to war in this probably fictional war. And the prince says, Hey, I can't kill my own family.

I'm related to these guys. And Krishna's like, Hey, dude, don't be a dick. Do your fucking job. And this is where he reveals the Bhagavad Gita to him, right? That's this war, this battle. And while this battle is happening, we see the kids per second, they're like watching all like pumped about murder and they immediately like dive strangly shut. Yeah, we're fighting in a war too. And this is, look, this is to

a brave, hard style cartoon battle, right? Like there are just massive deaths happening and the kids are like, we fun. What the fuck is Hinduism about? I'm so confused. I'm literally, I'll let you know. My first day of Hindu church, I will say honestly, if they have the best holidays, as long as you don't mind bathing in a river with a lot of filthy people. I do not run there. I didn't think you did. I am 100% out. Also, apparently, you know, it gives a really big deal earlier when the axiomodory guy had multiplying arrows, but apparently everyone had magical arrows back in 3000 BCE, India. But eventually, Christian aside wins. They killed the most people.

And then it's time to get to the final. This is the ninth, the penultimate incarnation of Vishnu. But the last one we're really going to deal with in the cartoon. And this happens when once again, everybody gets all goddamn stiff knacked after fucking Vishnu and fixed everything. Fuckin stiff next. So yeah. So the muse goes to to prodfish new and he's like, Hey, man, you know, like every time you leave, things start getting all stiff necked and fucked up and shit. Can you go back and he's like, yeah, don't worry. Now I'll reincarnate as the Buddha.

The Buddha like Buddhism Buddha, that Buddha. Yeah, we're switching religions. Which, yeah, which religion is Buddha? Hindu, obviously. No, but see, that's just the thing. So the whole concept of the Hindu religion is that, no, it doesn't matter who your God is, we'll work him in.

And if your God is, oh, but my God is supreme. And he can, oh, then he must have been an incarnation of Vishnu who is the supreme God, right? So this is just this desperate effort to shoehorn 1400 different faiths into one set of legends. So real quick Buddhism, that was us. Yeah, right.

Right. Jesus, yep, also us. Not people don't know that. Exactly, right. Sounds like you guys are being real negative about the concept of compromise. Sorry about the compromise. He's already come into the defense of his religion here.

So yes, so now we get the story of Sadar Tha Buddha. The is dad wants him to grow up to be an emperor, not sing in some stupid play. So yes, yes. His dad orders that he never be shown the sorrow or pain of the world. Right. I love this dad. This dad spends the entire movie just being a, I never want my kid to see a poor person. You fucking understand me?

No, it's not. This is a really good dad. He's alive. Yep. Exactly. So yeah, oh, are we not making jokes about it? He likes dead dad anymore. When did that? When did that one run? Exactly So yeah, oh, are we not making jokes about it? The last dead dead It's a little too soon when did that one run hurting?

But that one still had a lot of gas All right, Jesus Christ dead dead Got a weight and done your dead time Trying to get ahead Well, I can show and come out to do something Ha ha ha ha ha You just did it ready whatever I don't like this anymore. Dead dead race. Oh, Jesus Christ. If they had had that at some point in this movie, I wouldn't have been super shocked.

Anyway, so yeah, but the Buddha was like feeling imprisoned by all his white privilege, much brown or white privilege, but whatever. So he goes around town He says hey, can I see town? I'm like 23 and dad's like okay, but he orders the guy taking him right He's like don't let him see any sad stuff and the guys like what the fuck are you talking about man? And don't let him see any I'm touched by my This chariot trip and he's trying to explain all the suffering. He's like hey use that thin guy And he's like, ah, it just happens when you get old and he's like why is that guy coughing up blood? And he's like, hi, you know, eight too much blood man

So many questions. Read your book, watch cars on the iPad. So he decides to be a sage and then he goes out and he sits under the Bodhi tree and attains Nirvana and he starts Buddhism. That's how quickly we go through that. Right? He's like blah, blah, blah, eightfold past blah, blah, blah, blah. We're literally good advice. And in comparison with the other religions, like nonviolence and love, blah, blah, blah, real quick, Thetans, volcano demons, God, that's us too. That's in carnation 74. There's a whole thing we don't want to get into. And the only reason Buddhism is better than the other religions is because it doesn't control any real countries that

have bad by comparison. I said by comparison. Yeah, well, tell a, tell a, tell a person murdered at the hands of Buddhist terrorists that and they'll be like, no, you're just really guys. You had a better shot at least, probability wise. Um, so, okay. So we're gonna see Buddhist turn. Well, no, you know, but I guess sick and fucking tired of this attitude that Buddhism is the good religion. No, it's fucking not. It's just as easy to use to like justify heinous, disgusting shit as it anything else. Like go to a fucking Buddhist country where they're like, oh, you're blind. What the fuck did you do in your

last life? And tell me what a good religion that is, Buddhism is only good in the sense that like, the hippies in California that have their warped ass view of Buddhism that's really just getting high and saying smart sounding shit, and that's not Buddhism. So like, bit of a pet peeve. And they put blind people in their place, like you said.

Take them down a peg. We were all talking about comparisons here. You're the one that started from zero. I'm gonna say, I'm bearing Buddhists to Muslims. Christians take a lot better care of their blind people. So, you know, like I'm sure there's somebody in a Buddhist country right now going, don't get me wrong, Christians are pretty all right.

They just show up with money for us and make us listen to their Bible and shit. Coddling the blind, it's infantilizing. It's infantilizing. Ooh, I need a safe space, I need a stick. Ooh, I need a stick. Let's go right. Oh, I'm sorry, in the real world,

you have to deal with the fact that you can't see. Needed to be said. Thank you. I'm brave. My guess next week, someone who would have been a Nazi 60 years ago. Come on in here. You're the new center. So, so the king is all worried about all that nonviolence bullshit. Boot is preaching because he doesn't want his army to not like want to fight so they decide to kill boot up now Here's how they're gonna do it We're the drunken elephant

Right What do you get this elephant all fucked up? Maybe the tax you think that's the idea I want to see like a wasted elephant ninja just crawling on ceiling. It's really quietly. She's dropped off the seat. I'm gonna kill Buddha because he's a fucking asshole. Goes around the telling everybody what it could've done to me. Peanuts, I fucking...

Drunk elephants in our next blue apron ad. Now, you're crushing peanut. She'll know, but I see an elephant on the ceiling dressed in all black. Yeah, many of you, hello, took me to get this outfit. Oh, I got my pajamas. I don't even know. So yeah, so, but Buddha meditates the fuck out of that elephant, right? So the elephant comes to kill him and then he's like, hold on, I'm meditating

and the elephant shaves its head and gets a robe and starts bothering people with airports and shit. It's pretty good. And then everybody becomes Buddhist and everyone in India lives happily ever after. But, but we have to cut to the 21st century so that we know that this isn't like all good news. This movie with the baby murdering montages in the genocide. We get some 9 11 and some war and terrorist killing both people. Yes, in the cartoon. That's how it is. Now, but isn't this the kind of silly bullshit religion has to pull though, right? Because they like 21st century and they show an airplane exploding,

a building exploding people shooting people on them. Like, but, right? Cause they like 21st century and they show an airplane explode and a building explode and people shooting people and I'm like, but that's not new to the 21st century, right? The thing that's blowing up, but the fact that we were killing each other is not new. The 20th century, 21st century is defined by shit like technology and medicine and that kind of shit, the things that we got by rejecting all your superstitious bullshit. But of course you can't admit that without admitting that your whole endeavor is antiquated. So you have to pretend that the hallmark of the 21st century is the number of people who die in war. I made it warmer. It's a little bit warmer.

A little warmer. So I got, once I got up on this high horse, it's really hard to get back down apparently. Got a sheet on Buddhism and praise the 21st century. I know it's coming from some weird places today. We are Buddhists on this show and we hate technology. That is the story. You were a kid, earlier in the, in the, in the, I, that was before I had to bathe with poor people. Well, yeah, that's true.

Who's fucking Buddhist trying to nuke Guam. It's ridiculous. Yeah, right. Yeah, damn it. All right. So, but yeah, but then Vishnu shows up for sort of a, like a little wrap up tells the kid, Hey, don't worry kids. Eventually, I'm going to show up and destroy the entire world. And they're like, yay, destruction of all things.

You'll have a white saber. He's got white horse and a lightsaber and a lightsaber. A vigilante with a lightsaber. Like they just tossed that in at the end like I want to watch that movie. Yeah. Oh man, the Hindu apocalypse movies would be so much better to God, we got to start doing this show in India. Do they have an apocalypse in there? Yeah, yeah, that's kalki That's that's him on with the lightsaber. That's the apocalypse. Oh, how much do we need to pay Kirk Cameron to start making Hindu movies? Right. I think we just need to let him touch himself on the set of different guys wander by and tell him he's a Hindu. It was growing pains.

We know. Different strokes. Okay. He was on different strokes. There was a crossover episode. There was not. And different times, different times, different strokes. Wasn't even on.

Who do it? And different stroke themselves though. Yeah, well, no, he does. That's true. And then they, okay, so now the whole thing is over. The kids wake up in the temple. It was all a dream that they both had together, apparently. I mean, because they have the whole, it was a dreamer, wasn't it? Except for I'm like, but both of them had it and agree on the details.

So no, it wasn't. Obviously, fucking duh. What the fuck are they saying in this movie? Are we supposed to be Buddhist or? Who's Hindu? Well, you can be both apparently blue is better. Yeah, which is better than brown. I think that's like the only thing I got. Yeah. No, they ranked the races in this one. That's for sure. Blue, white, brown. That's locked in and hit. And so the cops show up to arrest all the goons and then the parents show up to protect the kids and everyone lives happily ever after I guess. Yeah. All right, there's injustice. Vishnu will be there.

Fucking Superman. Yeah, he's a very Batman-esque ending right there. Superman. Yeah, he's a very Batman-esque ending right there. Hey, I was never promised wherever I was never promised that wherever there's injustice, Jesus will be there. I'm just saying I am aside from the poor people bathing. Is there a rich person? I'm sure there's a tributary just for the for the I mean, look, there is definitely no culture that's more into the don't let the poor people shadows touch me. So you're going to feel fit right in there. All right. So we're going to next week show is renamed for our third year. We're going to call it not all God awful.

No, just some gods are awful movies, especially Buddhism. I love how you try to throw me a bone at the end there. All right. Well, no, clearly we are all Hindus now because their movies are easier to beat off to. So I want to close off the review by asking you this, now that you're a Hindu, Vishnu is going to be solving all the problems in your life. So which of Vishnu's incarnations will you be calling upon to solve which simple everyday

problems and how will we solve them? Just as a quick reminder, those incarnations available to you were fish that grows into a giant whale, mountain turtle, boar, mangottenble, honey I blew up the sage, axe wielding cow avenger, I'm going with the pneumatic lifting turtle. Okay. For moving assholes cars who don't officially use all the space in the public parking and take up multiple spots with half a full spot on each side of them. We just get a giant snake tied around there, wrap it around. Yes. And the two are in the car. They're carrying to the Hudson. Yeah, there you go. Man, I'll say what being a Hindu is awesome so far and Eli

I'm gonna go with Buddha to help me deal with some people on Twitter Elephant bloom your block I'll do that for you. I can just you just use a mouse or like You don't necessarily need to switch religion. I'm not blue. I'm white. I'm almost good Yeah, yeah, I'm silver metal silver That does it for our review of Dash avatar That isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to coax you back for more so Eli tell us

what's on deck Exit by living waters ministries Jack exit by living waters ministries. Right? This is his Jesus can cure your depression movie. Oh, no. Yes. Okay. This is the one that he was advertising

because like the guy, the bad musician that committed suicide was in his movie before he committed suicide, right? Lincoln Park, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm sorry, the bad lyricist, not the bad musician. Awesome. Awesome. Obviously. And also carry and also Star Wars lady, carry. I appreciate it. Oh, Gary Fisher. He seems to think she can live self. We're going to find out. It comes out on the 12th. It's on YouTube. It's going to be a great time. Oh, God, we need more

Hindu cartoons. And by the way, I just want to point out that based on the also suggested list when I watch this on YouTube, there are 9,000 cartoon versions of these stories. So whenever we really need to, we can go back to Hindu cartoons. Two votes. No, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring our episode 104 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon owners that helped make the show go. If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, the skeptic rat, and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.A.D.R. Taurus, our theme song was written and performed by Riot Slotnikovievil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right Neely Bosnick, I'm Noel Lucians, promise to work hard during another chunk next week until then,

we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Don't go to India. Unless... Just probably don't. Just don't. Vishnu's durable incarnation was suspiciously missing from this film. Vishnu finally incarnated as Elizabeth Warren in 2020. For car. New year! The very instant I started recording, They got a little closer and a little louder with the lawn shit.

Hopefully that's not coming out. It just like lean into frame. Right. Yeah. I'm on the show. When I interviewed Bob a brinkman, that happened. like when we were living in Valdosta, the the, oh yeah, and the mower would go like like a foot from where we're recording because they would go right behind that. Yeah, exactly. We didn't really have control over when they record. I mean, we would just not record when they did that, but I had an interview scheduled. I couldn't reschedule it.

And I told him, I'm like, hey, man there's gonna be some really, really loud lawn mowing in the background and just keep talking. Cause it won't come through on your audio, you know. I'll be able to get rid of it in the end. It's just gonna be distracting as all fuck you're on a podcast. That's what happens. And I think that's why he was mean to you at this show.

He wasn't mean to me. He was very polite. He saw me shoot my hands straight up in the air. And he was like, oh, so most of you knew this one. He was like, I thought this guy thought we're all gonna be proud of ourselves. He brought me up and asked me to walk him through it. And I would have ended our podcast right there. And I would have been like,

well, because most people who listen to rapper black and they, Bob, I you seem uncomfortable. They commit more crimes, Bob, I you see. Yeah. Well, we had a head to move to YouTube at least. Yeah, exactly. All right. Click 10 count. Yeah. Welcome back to the Gam cast for each week. We sample another selection from Christian Sinai. Sinai, I'm so excited. I can't even get all the way through the sentence before I start diving into my joke. God damn it.

I'm so excited for this movie. Morgan's into football too, but he's in a college football. I don't get getting into college football because it's like I like football, but only when everybody's not really good. He's from Texas. Oh, Morgan, join our league. You could join our league that I am also going to be a part of. Put a lot of money on the line this year. You seem like a Batman man, Morgan. Get you some beard oil. Beard oil keeps you beard smooth. I see Morgan gets it.

I like the wax. All right, here we go. And not that I'm not I don't want to like cut the conversation on wax and on and wax and off. Morgan's beard short necessarily, but there are things. We have so many separate flights had to be focused. If I stick it in the beard, I'm going to be able to get it out. Do you want to be able to get it out? I think I'd like to be able to get it. I think you'll get it out.