God Awful Movies - 108: GAM108 Hangman's Curse

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Hangman's Curse, the story of a family of sleuths trying desperately to surf the edge of Scooby-Doo's intellectual property. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Un chapuzón, con el avito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailo es fin parque sur. En los dos barcos barcos, son barcos, son barcos, And the stupid horrible sneakers are sneaking around some more. They might as well be dressed as like bell hops pushing room service carts around the school They have no idea what they do. Well again, they still haven't turned off their flashlights.

As a matter of fact, at one point they're sneaking down the hallway and she screams. He goes, what is it it she says there's something down there he's like that's not a scream situation it's not how we do it movie Welcome back to the game cast for each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema Technically, you'll see what I mean in a minute. I'm your host no Yeah, no, it does it does but just barely I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend, Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who was legal in New York in 2003? League of Meester. I checked. We're good. Doesn't matter when the movie was filmed.

It's about to release day. That's the one that can't really. I checked that too. And quick, quick sitting 81. So my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Well, kind of bummed out. I just found out my crush is like way, way too old for me. So I don't really know.

I guess we can talk about the movie. Yes, but, uh, yeah. Dude, I'm 36, whatever. All right, so tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Hangman's Curse. We did. It's the story of undercover investigators who try to uncover an evil plot in a high school

by a suicide cult. It's 21 jumper street. Oh, and also a second movie with the same characters that's completely unrelated. Yep, you'll find out. You'll find out. And Eli, how bad were these movies? Well, if you love Revenge of the Nerds, but you were hoping for murder, you will love this movie.

I guess it was. Yeah. Imagine if someone had 80 yard the word Jesus over the last 10 minutes of Heather's, just like maybe I did it low at the school of Jesus. And maybe I did it for 10 days of Jesus. So yeah, no, okay. So keep in mind that Eli just pointed out this movie

is like Revenge of the Nerds except worse. Remember how Revenge of the Nerds ended with the Re rape? It's worse than that. Yeah. It's hard. You can't think about movies pre 2007 too much. Never good. This one doesn't not have sexual assault. No, it's it's minor. It's Christian movies. It's less than the revenge of the nerds. Oh, yeah. For sure. All right. So I want to be up front about this. This movie isn't even remotely a Christian movie, but they're trying to fool their audience into thinking it is from time to time. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Like they clearly blow the dog whistle once in a while. Here's my question. Is this we're going to make fun of it? Is this a bad movie? Oh, yeah. I it's loved. The shit. I enjoyed the time watching it. I don't know what that means. I think it's a good movie. If they were like, there's nine very toss movies, I would watch them. I like this family. I like their antics. I like the characters. I love Max the dog. The dogs the best. The dogs the dogs the best, right? So we got the dog. Yeah. Thank you. He like, oh, indeed. Maybe I have lost all sense of good and evil. But I feel like this was a great movie. Yeah. You have definitely lost all sense of, uh, boy, I'm just going to stop

the sentence right there. Um, um, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. Um, I'm going to say best worst understanding of magnification. They get their own day. They use microscopes and like magnifying glasses in this movie and it's complete nonsense throughout. They're picking up radio signals. They're cooking grilled cheese. They're finding studs inside sheet rock and fucking nuts. See now I was gonna go with and we're gonna talk a lot about this. I'm sure I was gonna go with best worst sneaking. Yeah, it's okay. Absolutely. Thank you. We're going to get to it.

But yes, I don't know what training we need to break down what training this family is supposed to have versus the training they demonstrate in this movie. Yeah. Yeah, like there's a number of scenes in this movie where like the boy and the girl are sneaking around somewhere and they might as well have cowbells attached to themselves, right? They might as well have gestures, jingles on their fucking feet. I have never been described as stealthy, but I have never asked it myself into a tire

swing. I've never been, oh, no, my tire swing by. All right. And this is very important. This is, I feel like there's going to be some disagreement among us and perhaps with our audience. But I'm going to go ahead and say it now. Best, worst characters. I'm supposed to be sympathetic towards. Let me explain. Let me explain. I already disagree. Go ahead. Go ahead. This movie is about a bunch of golf kids who get bullied and then they think they sick a murderous ghost on their bullies. Now bullies steal their lunch money and say mean stuff to them, but they do not sick a murderous ghost on them, which makes them the bad guys and deserving of bullying because as we learn throughout

this movie and we're going to get to it. We're going to get to it. The response that these kids, look, I'm sure at the beginning, the bullying was bad and bullying is, we can talk about whether or not bullying represents the survival of the citizen and a microcosm of social mechanism. I don't think we can talk about that. We've been infantilized by society's recent PR thing, whatever. I'm a very pro bullying advocate can talk about that. Even in fanatized by societies, recent PR thing, whatever, go ahead. I'm a very pro bullying advocate and I understand that.

My point is, my point being is that after the point where one of your friends dies, the goth kid who goes, I did that with my ghost friend is the bad guy forever. No matter how many wedgies you give that person, they are a murder in their minds, right? It turns out spoilers. They're not. But if you think you're murdering someone with a ghost because they gave you a wedgie, you are the bad guy.

Yeah. No, the trench coat mafia. We're not the good guys in that story, right? Right. Right. Yeah. This is just a very convoluted school shooting story. All right, well, obviously Eli's going to need a few minutes to compose himself before we revisit

his high school experience. Apparently, so we're going to pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll delve into the thinly veiled live action Scooby Doo rip off that is hangman's curse. Hi, chat crystal. Come on in. I don't use chairs. Chairs sit in their own hypocrisy. Fun. Fun, chat. You want to sit in a chair?

What she said? God. And my name is Blade. It's Blade. Right. Blade. Okay. So no chairs then, guys.

I want to talk about some of the bullying you've been experiencing. Oh sure. Now you want to help me. God, whatever. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, I hear that some of the kids in school have been calling your names and taking your lunch money.

And if there's anything I can do to help, I just want you to know that we have. Yeah, you can put this magic crystal stuff on them for us. That would help. It sticks ghost on them. No, no, I was thinking more about calling their parents in heaven. Or, or you could like carve a hangman onto their lockers with us. Yeah, that takes forever. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, I'm, it's, it's for the ghost. Yeah, I'm not gonna, it's, it's for the ghost. Okay. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start off by learning that these producers really didn't trust their audience to like, figure shit out on their own. So we're up.

I mean, look, when we meet a family that works for a secret government agency that fights ghosts, we're gonna figure out such an agency exists in this movie. You don't have to let us know up front. I kind of liked it. That 2000s horror movie font in the credits. I got happy. No, that was pretty cool.

That was pretty cool. Yeah, but they tell us about the very toss team. Yeah. It says across America, groups of select citizens are secretly commissioned by the government to investigate strange mysteries, crimes, and unusual occurrences. Now, at this point, I'm hoping the movie's going to be about the unusual occurrence team. Like the bench wharers, the ex files crew. They just show like, hi, we're here about the coin.

Yeah. It's like 12 beds in a row. A dozen fucking heads, guys. Like the bench warmers, the ex files crew. They're just sure like, hi, we're here about the coin. Yeah, it's like 12 beds in a row. A dozen fucking heads, guys. That's crazy. That is crazy. I can you do it? No, it's tail. All right. Cool.

Sorry. I believe our work is done here. Yeah, we're not going up to the strange mysteries and crimes. Yeah, but we pretty much nailed that one. You both married a guy named Alan That's weird. I'm not gonna lie. That is wacky just sitting there on stage with Rosencrantz and Guildensterner dead like oh shit. This is fucking Awesome. I also love to because it's like uh, they say there's a a secret blah, blah, blah, blah. This is the Veritas project. And then below that, it says Veritas is Latin

for truth because this is a movie for idiots. So, so we get done with that. And now the credits are rolling and we're establishing school and scary. I wrote, usually school halls need Eli and them to look this ominous, but, uh, it's close. Yeah. I was like, look, this kid's just, he's walking around with a rope and his hand. He's looking for a classroom to have a choking jerk. I get it. I mean, it's too rough for rope. Like, I need a silk scarf for one of the hookups.

Yeah. Like, I get it. It's a kid. He doesn't, he doesn't know about Adam and Eve. Come yet. Silk scarf. Yeah. Yeah. That works great.

Um, sorry. Do you guys both know about this? What's going on? Cause we don't want to end up like caradene. Do you remember when you weren't jerk enough and then you discovered jerk enough? Yes, what it's like to discover jerk enough while you can't breathe. Really? Yep. Folks don't try.

What people died doing it. Don't take sexual advice from a podcast. I'm going to download it up podcast. Go get a hook up. It costs $18. Splurge. I'm gonna. All right. So moving along towards actually happening in the movie. So the kid is, so we see this, Ken, he's bringing a rope up stairs into school. And I just wrote, where's Ray Com it when you need them, dammit? But also like the area in the school that he's in might as well be marked depressed suicide department.

There's just a stairway leading up to a platform. Was that for lynchings at the school? This could only be described as a hanging addict. That's where they are. They're gonna hang like schools should stop having those if that's the thing they have. There's like an are you choking yourself sign on the wall? It's just handy tips. Yeah, we will discover throughout this movie that these kids go to school at the goddamn

temple of doom. This movie is like 99% catacombe. Anyway, so yeah, he walks up more stairs than the ghost busters in Act 3 and then hangs himself in a shitless kind of way. That's nice. That was nice of him. Yeah.

So then we cut to 10 years later, still in this same school. Yeah, and so the movie doesn't really get the time dimension here. Obviously the kid hanging himself should have said, it should have said 10 years ago, and this is the fucking present day. And did I think this movie is in the future? What are they?

It was though, because we watched it in 2017. Whoa. But then it. Oh. Yeah. Hold on. Yeah. So anyways, we should have said now for here where I am, I got it. And now, now, now, now, now, now, now, not now, but when I said now, wait for it, then

then, so we get to the school and we see an Eskimo etching a locker or something. He's drawing a hangman like from the game. So, okay. So now we cut to a football game and we meet the quarterback who seems to be suffering from early onset Alzheimer's. Right. Right. Which the NFL says that there's no scientific and it's got nothing to do. It's probably a ghost. They tried for a long fucking time.

Well, at the time this movie was made, they all right. Yeah. No, you're right. It was then. It was then. Yeah, exactly ghost curses that caused all those concussions. Yeah. You know the commissioner was watching this movie. It was like bring up ghost curses. Spiders and locker room. It could be all kind of stuff, guys. And I'm sorry, but is the quarterbacks name in this movie, Jimmy Bolts? Yeah. Looks like Vinny Del Pino, Dougie Hazard's friend Max, Max Cacilla. Anyway, so Jimmy Bolts is freaking out a little bit.

We also, we cut to the stands where the Columbine shooters are up there, like stare at them. They've got something to do with all of this Alzheimer's. And they have like their own section of box seats with like a banner. There is no go like it's so ridiculous. What's amazing too is so when when people have the like ghost moment in this movie, everything turns black and white and there's like a glare effect on the lens. But the first time we see it, it's when the quarterback looks at the God kids.

So I wrote in my notes, are the God kids so pale that the glare hurts the door? They are pretty pale. Yeah. No, that could have also been it Roger Goodell's taken that note. Maybe it's too many white people. Um, yeah. So the quarterback freaks out, drops the ball and just forest comes to fuck out of there. Yeah. And at this point, they keep showing the QB. They show him like run off the field and then he goes and track like stop showing the QB. What happened with the fumble?. Did they pick did they run it in for six?

They must have. Yeah. So he starts freaking out having seizures on the on the track around the field. And the coach runs up turns to the school nurse as the kid is just mumbling and frothing and spitting at the mouth and shit and says, this makes three of my players. What is your acting to do there? Recurring. Have you seen enough? It's been three now. Like, like the nurse has been refusing to treat dark magic until it reached a threshold and now I'm like, all right, can we do it now? Three, can we do some dark magic healing?

Fuck. She finally gets a torch and some sage. Fine, fine, you've convinced me. I'm smudging. I said I'm smudging. I'm smudging. I'm smudging. I'm smging I said I'm smudging I'm smudging I'm smudging oh and we should point out too that when the quarterback starts freaking

out he starts yelling able fry which we will later learn is the name of the kid who hung himself in that opening scene 10 years earlier seen. All right, so now it's time to meet our heroes and we're going to do that at a big meth deal. Meth deal. And this is the most ridiculous Hollywood version of a drug deal. Oh my god, it's amazing. He has like a tiny, tiny amount of cash. He buys 100 grams of that. That's $8,000 worth of math.

In case you're wondering, well, that's all I'm going to break it up. If you buy it in that kind of way, wait, you're going to get a big, you know, I can pay more than 55, 5,500, 6,000. So anyway, okay. I'll leave it to our panel of experts, panel of experts. So he buys a tremendous amount of math, which he's going to sell in a week. And I got to say this guy is doing great selling $8,000 meth in a week. Yeah. Yeah, he's making more money than I. That's about 125 grand a year that he's making there. Can we talk about the meth dealer? Oh, please. Because they walk into this like movie scene warehouse for buying meth at and this lady walks out.

She's like middle age. She's like, oh, welcome to PTA mom meth store. I'm PTA mom. Oh, it's so ridiculous. Should show me your money. Cops can't carry money and they show money and now they're not cops. I have, okay, it's just I have a friend that's bought a tremendous amount of drugs. And the number of times that that friend has had to like had a gun pointed at him and

had to prove he wasn't a cop, that would be zero. And yet it happens in virtually every drug deal in the movies. Amazing. Well, to be fair, do we really want a movie with a realistic drug deal? Just like, so you said I've been waiting here for 25 minutes. I mean, I can't yell at you because I don't want a new drug deal. I'm like, a little politeness. Like I go into the store and I'm like, I would like to buy this box of puffins. They just sell it to me right away. Sir, sir.

Yeah, I guess it would be a little less dramatic. So yeah, so there, there, and ultimately we have three kids here by and math, and there's one kid that's like the new kid who hasn't bought and met here before and they don't know if they trust him so much. Now all of a sudden, poor man's punish or burst into the room. Convinced to this guy's a cop. He's so ridiculous too. At some point, the conversation was like, all right, what do meth dealers look like? Like, uh, the Terminator with a giant cross on his face with black Sharpie. Yeah. Yeah. That is what they look like. Yep. That is it.

We're in comically inappropriate sunglasses. I love to because like that, the, all right. So the terminator guy comes in points a shotgun at this kid's head and says, prove to me that you're not a cop. And I so wanted him to just like snap the girls neck behind him. You know, see, God never want to done that. Oh, dude, that was my undercover daughter. You dick.

Oh, damn. Well, ask more specifically. So then the real cops come in and they bust all of these people. And of course, the kids that they thought was a cop or whether they were fucking with, he's the one that has 50 grams of meth on him. So the cops drag him off. And then we learned that this was all a big undercover operation to save that kid's soul. Yeah. Because now that he's been arrested for 50 grams of meth, he's going to get put

in a nice foster home. Yeah. The cops are like, we got, all right, we busted this kid with this child with a bunch of meth with way, way felony amounts of meth. And he are like, we got, all right, we busted this kid with this child with a bunch of math with way, way felony amounts of math. And he's like, remember the deal. He gets a good school and a spot on the Tennessee. And they were like, yeah, that's the deal. All right. Wait a second. How do crimes work? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. And at this point, I wrote like because obviously nothing about this movie had suggested Christian, except for the Sharpie cross that he'd drawn on his forehead. And I'm like, okay, it's stupid enough though. It's awful enough at least.

So yeah, so this wraps up and then dad gets a text. Dad, of course, is the guy with a big Sharpie cross. He's getting a text about their next assignment. You see, this family is part of project Veritas. Remember from the beginning, and they're about to get their next assignment which is to check out some paranormal activity at a school. And I just want to take a moment to recognize that this particular unit of project Veritas is two adults and two children. Oh yeah. I would really like to have been there for the meeting where they were like great.

So it'll be you and your wife. And he's like, yeah, I'm a next cop and my wife is a super spy too for some reason or a side, whatever. And they were like, and your kids. And it was like, well, I feel like our kids are children. What, what, what if there's a mystery in a school? Good point. Okay. There might's a mystery in a school. Good point. There might be a mystery in a school. I want to see them doing like an undercover sex ring. They're giving the daughter the talk. All right. Now look, you're going to have to really get into character

for this. He is going to be a not fun. Look at me. not fun, not fun. Parts of it will be fun. So, so now we go back to that school, uh, and we, we meet. Okay, so there are three groups of kids in this movie. And I've got them divided up to heaths, friends, Eli's friends, and my friends in high school. Um, these kids are heaths friends, the jocks of the school. Mm hmm. friends in high school. These kids are heaths friends, the jocks of the school. And they are getting damn sick of this evil ghost that keeps killing their buddies. Also, it's a tiny moment, but in case you watch along with us at the very first shot of this school, there's an extra who is unable to walk. He's just like taking these giant

leaping steps staring directly into the camera. The school school, the wonderful play side. So we get these, the jot kids are walking down and they're like, oh, you know, the ghost keeps killing our buddies and we're really sick of that. And we know who was doing it, but they'd never believe us because ghost murder that we're accusing people of. And then my friends from high school show up and the fat, the fat kid grabs one of them and he's just like, oh, we'll kick your ass if you kill anybody with any more ghosts. Before and the goth kids are like, do tell me what to do. I'll kill people with gifts if I want to.

Go. By the way, when we do the remake of this one, it's exactly the same except it's a dance battle musical. And this scene would be like Ghostbusters theme song battle. Yes. Yes. And see, here's the thing, this movie, right? This movie, what this movie was going for because he literally takes the kids lunch money. Yeah. So it's very clear, jocks bad, bullies bad, get it. Awesome. Great.

I'm used to that. And the goffs should turn out not to be sicking the ghost on people, right? And this movie does that, but the goffs think they're sicking the ghost on people, which makes this interaction into an accept for the robbery entirely justified. If someone was like poisoning or just like generally killing my friends and I walk up and I'm like, Hey, you need to stop killing my friends and you were like, go on the victim. I'd be like, no, this is your, no, you are the bad guy. You are involved in murder. Yeah. This movie really doesn't seem to get that there needs to be good

guys and bad guys. So yeah, so then they get beat up and bullied and they run off. We should we should introduce these two characters because there's a bunch of goth kids. The main goth boy is Ian and his girlfriend is crystal. So they'll come up quite a bit. So crystal rushes off Ian chases or She can't take it anymore. But he's like, don't worry, man, the suicide ghost is going to totally murder him. We'll be fine. I'm just like, okay. Right.

Again. So now this is about villains using a supernatural weapon against people who give them wedgies and take their lunch money. Yeah. Yeah. For what it's worth, I think the movie seems pretty aware that these are not the good guys, or that these are not sympathetic characters. Well, the good guys are the ones who bully these murderous children. No, that's, that's

good bullying. Bullying is important. That's the good guys. What do you guys talk about? Thank you. My friends are the good guys. My friends are the fucking good guys. Pretty obvious. And they're good at sports. It's obvious. And they're being bullied. I just want to throw it out there. They're being bullied because they dress like weirdos. It's not like they're being bullied for winning a science trophy. They're being bullied for dressing like extras in a buffet of the vampire slayer episode. I'm just saying it's not as clean as this movie. What's your being? I don't know. They're being weird. Nobody likes that. It's okay. You guys can both go fuck yourself.

Sorry. Don't be weird. That's fuck you. Fuck you, it's too. Or deep. You got a tree. It's not hard. Funny, rich, deep.

So now we cut to the office where we meet, where the Springfield family, the Veritas family are being brought in to investigate that Jimmy Boltz things. That's, you know, there are the ex files, Incredibles family or whatever. And we meet one of this movies, two black characters, black cop with the world's largest eyebrows, think that a team of private investigator Christians is not the best way to solve these murder. Yeah. Asshole. Danny Glover is too old for this shit. He is not happy. So yeah.

So dad is going to pose as a janitor. Mom is going to pose as a counselor. Neither of those things will ever matter, by the way. I mean, no, he will just operate as an investigator. And mom will never even be in the school. Yeah. And by the way, they claim, this, the principal claims that this weird family is highly recommended by police departments all over the country.

This family, including two kids, they travel around the country doing secret vigilante work and cops like them. Yeah, right. And keep in mind that the kids are like 17 or twins. So like, yeah, they got started when they were, you know, preteens. And above time, your ballstrops time to get into your secret agent work. When they solved that mystery at the preschool, it was by going on the cover. It was pretty into as a whole piece of gate thing. I don't want to get into it.

Turns out it was pickles the whole time. Now, oh, by the way, here's a favor the movie's not going to do for you. The twins are named Alisha and Alisha, except they pronounced the girls name Alisha, but they spell in Alisha or occasionally they call her leash, which is great. Yeah, you know, when you're shortening Alisha, it's leash. Yeah. So yeah. But yeah, the cops all pissed off. it's leash. Yeah. So yeah. But yeah, the cops all pissed off.

He don't need no damn partner. And just in case this whole thing wasn't enough like Scooby-Doo yet, this is where we meet the dog, Max. Oh, he's the best. It's a gold rich. The best character. Oh, I love it. It is like the best of dogs.

Gold rich. It's a pretty great dog. And he's a sleuthin dog. And he plays a part. It's pretty great. We like, we like Max. Yeah. No, they really underplay. Max should have been the hero of this film. Should have played some basketball. There's no rule that says he can't. Oh, if there was a TV show called Max's Adventures, I'd be totally there. You go. All right. So now the kids are going to of course play students. They're going to pose as students. So they bring in Norman, the nerd who will show those undercover kids where their classes

are and everything. And Norman, that'll be important. I want to say at this point, Norman is not subtle. Norman basically walks him around. He's like, Hey, guys, I'm the nerd. I wonder what deep dark secrets I might hide. All right. All right.

So, latent me. So he goes to do a handshake. He like trips and falls somehow during it. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes. And then we eliminate any lingering doubts about the Christianness of this movie with a completely pointless Christian dog whistle scene. I, this is this because here's the thing. I watched watch this I like skip through this movie last week And I was like, I don't know if it's Christian enough and Noah was like, I don't think this is a Christian movie

It looks like a movie that has white people and it do you think all movies? And then someone was like, no, no, no, you got to go to the classroom and watch this scene and I was like, okay, yep We nailed it. We nailed this whole episode is worth this scene. Oh my God. Yeah, opening line of this scene, teacher standing in front of the school going, no, you can't pray in school. You may not be fucking Bible here. Drink from this red juke up. You can't.

This is school. This is public school. Juke ups. I love how not a single one of these movies are even willing to admit how petty their complaints are. Right. They always have to just make shit up. They can't possibly happen as evidence of their oppression.

Right. What class is this moral ontology? 101. There's no reason to be having this conversation. And this teacher, Professor Strawman is just like, well, you can't pray in school because that would be you saying what's right and wrong. Not, no, that's not why you can't pray in school. And she's like, are you saying a terrorist can do whatever he wants?

And he's like, oh, you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Yeah, I mean, she stood up for aggressive left. And that's the cool thing you can do. The popular girls all come up and they're like, I'm sorry. Do you have a Patreon that we could like super over in flight with our dad's credit card? This Christian apologetics were on fleek.

Want to be a cool kid now? I do. I have infiltrated your group. Yeah, exactly. This is also where we're going to really get down to meet Blake. He is the other black character in this movie. And he has little thing for Alicia. I can't blame him. She's late in the meester. And now we cut to Eli and his high school friends. Yeah. Because at the same time that Alicia was infiltrating the cool kids group, Elijah

was infiltrating the nerdy kids group. I want to point out, had a lot of nerdy friends, you don't have to infiltrate that. You just walk up to them and you say, hey, I'm going to sit here, okay? And they're like, who finally? And if we're really being, this is my group of friends here. I played sports, but these are my friends. Yeah, no Eli and I know. And they still are nerd. Yeah. So he is infiltrated the nerds by any sign of positivity towards the new rights. We don't have to watch him getting in with them. He's like, so fellas, I was in there like, please be our friend. Our D and D game has had two people for a year. And then of course the jock show up to bully them some. And the steel is glass is in blood. But and money

again. Oh, yeah, a lot more money in bullying than I remember. Also a lot more awkward fat kids wielding way more power than I remember. I feel like I would like to go to this school. More than nine awkward fat kids are fucking crushing it. Yes. Yeah, especially if they play sports. Yeah. So, but while they're bullying, um, Alicia looks disapprovingly at Blake. So he doesn't want to bully him anymore.

Um, but that does not stop them from still robbing the kid at the end. Nope. They still rob. I got a robbing. You know, right, right. No, that's an obligation. It hurts me more than I heard.

Well, and then they walk off and the nerds are all looking at each other going like, maybe the goth kids will lend us their insanity ghost. Two options. We can see if the goth kids have an insanity ghost or we can very easily buy guns. That's the other option in America. What do you guys want to do? They fortunately go for the first one. Yeah, well, yeah, right, right.

Exactly. But this movie seems to think that if they had gone out and bought guns that they wouldn't be all the way the bad guys. So then we, okay, so now we had to lunch where Alicia is making fuck eyes with Blake and her popular girlfriend is explaining the back story about Able Fry. She's like, so do you want to hear the exposition or not? She's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we learned that Abel Fry was the geeky kid that got picked on and then he murdered his girlfriend when she embarrassed him in school and then he hung himself, which is the people who picked on him's fault because he doesn't have any free will.

Apparently, apparently Abel was just entirely motivated. Boy, are you trying to apologize for your self here? Yes. That can make that you have a lot of Buddhist. You have Buddhist. Buddha is something our many Buddhist listeners are how awesome is it? Like this is the most conveniently timed genocide ever for me, right? The Rohingya genocide.

It's just right as you were trying to make that point. They're like, let's kill a couple hundred thousand Muslims just to make Eli a look bad here. You hate Muslim. I'm trying to give all sides. I'm scared. I'll judge that I would try to be reasonable. That's my new show. It's gonna be crazy. Yeah, no, there's not an American version yet. All right. So yeah, so we learned that Abel Fry got bullied, hung himself and now wanders the hall, making quarterback, suck at football. Yeah.

And the other point of this scene is dibs on black. I did. I'm black. I damn it. So all the girls really want to go out with Blake, the only black person in the school. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah. Black dick forms here. Please step to the back, bitches.

Meanwhile, during lunch, dad is breaking into the Goth kids locker and stealing his money. Like the janitor does. I feel like the janitor, like activity he did in the bus. That's true. That's true. And why does he even need to be there?

He's just handing stuff to the cop the real cop who's well right like the dog is doing more work than he is yeah the dog the dogs smelling stuff and he's like bark and he's like the a the estate magic well well well well well it took us to he's like handing everything to the dog for the dog to sniff and the dog gets really excited about the fifty dollar bill and he's like all right keep him that they never address this he doesn't put another $50 bill in there or whatever. He just steals this kid's money. Not the 10, the 50.

Just the dog making it rain and a dog park later on. Bitches everywhere. Yeah. And of course, while he's in the locker, he also sees the hangman drawing and realizes that that's part of the curse. So now we cut back to the lunchroom where goth girl, crystal is drawing pictures of the fat kid, but dead. Again, which is worse than bullying. If one of your friends dies and then someone's like, now you used to pick on me and take my lunch menu.

So I'm just drawing a portrait of you being dead next. You are the villain. You're the villain. That is nowhere near as bad as bullying. I think that is bullying. Well, if you see the picture, I mean, she didn't give it to him or anything. If he hadn't come up and got all in her shit, she wouldn't have known what she's from.

And if the kids didn't be weird, they wouldn't get bullied. It's, it's, it's, it's, there's a lot of blame on all sides. What I'm saying, a lot of blame on all sides. Our characters have taken a lot of weird turns in this episode. I was like, I got a fun angle on this episode. I'm going to pretend to apologize for bullying. But we're like 45 minutes in and I'm like, okay got a fun angle on this episode. I'm gonna pretend to apologize for bullying. But we're like 45 minutes in and I'm like, okay, but let's be right. Can we switch to you, Janice?

Let's talk about e-Janice here after this show. What do you guys really think about that? I feel like I'm gonna be sitting like six months from now having an interview on Seth Mollinus show. And when was it you starting tonight. Truly debate on behalf of bullies. I got admit that I had this funny bit minding my time. 45 minutes of my comedy movie review show. And then I started naming names. I think honestly, it's just that he's only now realized that you were doing a bit up What I just don't want a dead person sick dummy. That's the point

So okay, so I'm confused Okay, go ahead So the fat kid comes up and grabs the the goth kid to beat him up You know, because his girlfriend is drawn pictures of him that are apparently worse than bullying. And Elijah shows up, right? Cause and he takes on the fat kid with the old grab his arm. Trick risk control, risk control, it's the risk control, but it's not from that. It wouldn't be. And I'm sorry, but like, when you outweigh the person trying to hold you down by 130 fucking pounds, I think you're going to be okay.

And it's all about the risk control. The risk control just ends the whole thing. I'm very confused by the fight system. It was like sudden death. One like it's just like, fuck, you did one move on me. Like, we were we're playing sudden death. And if you want to fight now, get the green destiny. Sored and three moves. You do win. I guess. Yeah. But now the, the whole point of this, of course, is that now Elijah has ingratiated with the goth kids too. Right. So now, okay. So now we cut back to Alicia. And she's hanging out with popular girls and this school doesn't have like scheduled classes or any of that silly shit. So they decide to head off to the forbidden wing of the school.

TM that's what they call it. So that Alicia, Alicia can see where Abel hung himself. And the way they introduced the super sloppy, like hanging addict aesthetic, as she goes, they were going to remodel it, but then a kid died there. So they were like, let's just keep the haunted house theme. Yeah. It'll fuck up the ghost stories later if we finish this. So yeah, and they've got this all locked off for whatever, but Alicia, of course, and she's a super spy can pick the lock in one second without anyone noticing. She's like, hello, more.

Yeah. But did you say hello, more? No. Oh my gosh. Is that a big black cock? What? So they go through the locked door into an increasingly creepy series of rooms. But then they get to the hang-in stairs. This is a school should I clean this place

up? They left it like a dead kid's bedroom. Like a sure it's really weird. This and this is the best worst line in the movie. The best friend popular girl is like guys if you look in the dictionary you find Dead God damn it If you look up dumb in the no If you if you see our picture do a reverse Google image What comes up is the dictionary definition of go fuck yourself. Just go find a ghost.

That's pretty much it. Yeah. But now, okay, so now they get to the hang and stairs and all the other girls are too scared to go up, but Alicia will go up. And luckily she'd been carrying a flashlight in her vagina this whole time. I said, it's no a flash like you know. Yes, it's huge. It's one of those ones that my dad used to buy the like, you know, this is enough to blind

an attacker. Yeah. Trying it right in their eyes. Cool. The 20 minutes it takes the turn on. Yeah. And at this point, I'm thinking to myself, like, what else does she have hidden inside her like an Nintendo character? She gets, she throws a bunch of flares down, she can flake her giant raft for no reason.

We will find out that she's got a bunch of stuff in there. Yeah. Like an Nintendo character, this movie tucked into that veg. And I got to say, like, honestly, scenes like this should have a pop scare counter at the bottom, right? Like, it could not be more obvious where we're going. So she's checking out all the creepy rooms. When suddenly there's a let's say scary face, the pop scare is entirely in the music people.

And then she falls down and passes out. Yeah. What was that mask? What like they will never explain that. I wanted to wake up and the friends would be like Oh, we should have told you it's that's our mascot go leather faces Class is in here. I didn't realize you would be so freaked out Kind of racist against Japan

So okay, so she wakes up in the school nurse's office and this leads to this amazing bit where like the dad is talking to the school principal and he's like, all right, like clearly there are a bunch of ghosts attacking children. Why haven't you closed this school? And the principal's like, because there's no code for evil ghosts in the fucking superintendents. What about a two hour delay for the ghosts? Because I'm a sane person who lives on earth. Yes. See, this is why we need a voucher system.

That's what I'm saying. This is the problem with other schools. We should have average for the right. Does anyone have any idea what the principal was trying to accomplish by showing dad the suicide kids academic records? No, look, there's no, look, it's straight A's. Straight A student comes back as it goes. Get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna kick him out for that. All right. So just in case the Scooby-Doo parallels weren't thick enough, we now cut to the mystery machine that they live in. They live literally live in a van down by the river.

Yeah, no, they do. They're in an RV and we have to have like a lie generalize a lie, or Alicia fucking with each other about her crush on Blake, but she can't have a crush because they're always moving around fighting crime so much. And the way he introduces this is very weird. He's like, I know that look. That look that says you are just wet soaking wet. And he's like, stop.

The dumb, I'm playing a part. I'm fitting in. He's like, fitting in that big black dick. Yeah. So, okay, so, but inside the RV, mom is examining something under a microscope that you can see with the naked eye. So, all right. So they're busy doing their sleuthing.

When suddenly Elijah and Alicia come out dressed like an idiot. This is the best moment where I realized that this movie was like Supposed to be a TV show Didn't get it was like, all right. We got an hour and a half. Let's do our best with it Because they're gonna go sneak into the school where they go Yeah, students. Let's be clear. The dad is the janitor who belongs at the school at night The mom is the nurse who could be at the school at night. The students, it would be odd, but hey, they go to school there, but not if their dress isn't interesting. Right. Right. Yeah. They have to go put up ghost detectors in the school,

which they're in all day. Right. They're just, they're just dropping a recorder. That's all they're doing here, right? What's all that gear going to do? Okay. Let's just put this small object on the floor in a hallway. Great. I'll just grab my vest of throwing knives over on the bag in a second. I need my magnetic suction cups. Also, what information are they planning to get there? Like they're going to get this tape of this hallway, play it back and it's just gonna be like, yes, indeed. I'm a suicide ghost, plan and kill football players. And even then, what do you, what do you do with that? What do you do with that information? You're right. Sure. Hope no one says my name backwards because that sends it back to

the hell dimension. I went to spring. I wanted so badly as they were going out for dad to be like, leave no survivors at the school. Right. Sorry. You know, I dressed in all spec cops. You can understand why it's confusing. So they head out to do the ghost stakeout. We also have to establish here because they have that whole scene where they're in the car together where we have to establish this thing where the Elijah Braggs about all those awesome FBI training. But he can't drive. Yeah, he chose to come back, FBI training instead of driving.

Meanwhile, mom and dad can't figure out what the crystalline substance is in the dog. Want some to know that Timmy is in a well. Yeah, exactly. She goes, Max, what are you telling us? And I wanted to, I wanted like a caption to appear that was just like, where are my balls? Where are my balls? I just wanted Max to take a super explosive shit right there in the van.

I wanted to shit. Obviously, I'm a dog. What do you think this means? I was trying to solve a mystery in this fucking van for 12 hours. I'm not in your team. I don't pass the dot test. There is no me to me. I want to go shit. I want to run around the end. You've know everything I want. Eight dinner with Eli last night. I need to go. So you guys have been pausing a lot during this. You can't tell because the masterful edit,

but we've been on the line for about an hour and eight times. I'm fun. We share this. Getting off of docs. All right. So not funny cut. So the kids go to the school. Ah, they find monster graffiti in there. What is it?

Like, what is this that they're supposed to be looking at? Is this a picture that the school is intentionally put up? I think it's an art project. I think like for her art class, they were like, because I think they did this at my school. They were like, oh, I'm in a drawer. I said, flower. And and crystal was just like, I'd like, because I did this at my school, they were like, oh, I'm gonna try this flower. And Crystal was just like,

I'd like to do demons eating people. And they were like, sure. Yeah. We'll put that near the trophy. I guess. Also, quick note on sneaking into things. Uh-huh. Maybe don't use flashlights and shine them

in all directions when you're sneaking into buildings and stuff. Like a second note, maybe don't merrily skip every day. Yeah, they're like tiptoeing in and then skipping and then hiding behind a giant strobe light and then like, strobe light, it's ridiculous. Yeah, no, and throughout this whole thing, no matter how much more sneaky and surreptitious they're trying to get it, it will never occur to them to turn off the goddamn flashlights. So yeah, so they go and examine the place where she got knocked out. They hide the recorder there.

Yeah, you guys, let's find a good place to put the recorder here. Yeah. Literally anywhere matter. It's an audio recorder. So you want that ghost clipping? What if we were going to put the pop filter for this ghost that's going to admit to us? And what stand around the room and yell a couple of times? Let me see if we're mic'd up right. And then they hear Satanic chanting. Yeah. So they say, oh, Satanic chanting, let's loudly and flashlight bobblingly go check it

out. Yeah. Jesus Christ. So, okay. So now we cut to the Satanist kids who are in one of the many voluminous catacombs and caverns that are within this school. Basement sewer things. Who the fuck even knows? there is both a basement and an attic in the same room at a certain point. Yeah. So, but the Satanist kids are apparently calling upon Abel Fry to ghost rape the fat kid. They even have the fat kid voodoo doll. Yeah. And I want to say this is extensive.

They have a lot going on. They got the masks. They got the portraits. They got the five point and start. They went all the way. It's nice. I what I'm saying is it's nice to see people go all the way with their satanic curse. Yeah. No, they must have taken the 15, 20 minutes to light all those candles. Yeah. Yep. And the stupid horrible sneakers are sneaking around some more. They might as well be dressed as like bell hops pushing room service carts around the school. They have no idea what they're doing. Well, again, now they're like sneaking in and looking in on this satanic ritual or whatever.

They still haven't turned off their flashlights. As a matter of fact, at one point, they're sneaking down the hallway and she screams. He goes, what is it? She says, there's something down there. He's like, that's not a scream situation. If the people was thinking about it. It's not how we do it. My FBI training tells me that you don't do that. All right. So they run outside to chase down the thing she was screaming, I couldn't even fucking tell. And this is where they realized that something evil is happening

in the old boiler room. What the fuck this, it's like the school's built on top of Atlantis or something like another Atlantean school. It's crazy. But suddenly Ian, the goth kid is there, Yeah, crazy. But suddenly Ian, the goth kid is there, perched like an R-Changel above them. Literally, he's perched on top of a razor wire fence, just like, Hey, what do you guys do? I'm god, I perch. Hey, what are you doing at the top of the fence directly behind us? Seems like a weird place to be. I would have given anything for walking to show up here. This movie is terrible. I'm gonna hang myself. I love how we all have archangel jokes in there somewhere. Yeah, so they have their little back and forth, but then they go to like question him, and he disappears all Batman style. So like if he had turned out to be an angel or demon,

this scene would have made sense. He doesn't, though. Nope, he's just a teenager who we can assume like through himself and to a garbage can. Yeah. God, God. God, if they look in yours, it'll look real stupid.

I hope they don't. So now we cut to everybody exercising outside. I'll do when they're jumping jacks. And this was the most realistic moment to my high school experience when the goth kid is just waving his arms and the jumping jack motion. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of my school is like steel toad boots during. Yeah.

Right. toe bootstoring. And then the goth kid and his girlfriend get abducted from Jim class. Yeah. That's what happens. Seems like the kind of thing the coach would notice. Yeah. Like they might as well like throw a shroud over their head and throw them into a van and like, squeal away like around the track, come back. All right, we didn't think this through. I got a license with this cool kids with a z. So yeah, so they grabbed the golf gets they drag them out behind the bleachers and they're like, man, call off your ghost. And he's like, can't do it.

It's like a parking ticket started right in the ghost. Sorry. Nope. I already satan parking ticket started right in the ghost. Sorry. Sorry. Nope. I already satanically invoked a ghost to murder you. To murder you. So which two thirds of this podcast think is worse. I put a deposit down on the murder ghost. And now, I would like to point out that the worst I had was the picture drawing versus

the physical abuse. Anyway, it's all for remember the picture drawing versus the physical abuse. Anyway. It's all you remember who decided to went on and brought up accusations being thrown around. A lot of bullying happened. There was some anti-budist sentiment. I don't know.

I want to get into it. There was a lot of hate thrown around. I think we all agree. Clean slate. Everyone did equal amounts of bad. Eli's running for president. He's running that president. So yeah, bullseye on many sides. I'm not going to do it. I figured out what I'm doing. Everybody. So okay. So, but right before they get beat up for pre-murdering and with a ghost, dad janitor shows up. And

he's like, hey, I need to talk to you kids, but then the coach comes around back and over rules janitor dad. And that's hard because in the hierarchy of people who don't have any power to accept in that tiny point of the world, it's like, ooh, does janitor out do code? Yes. Coach out to an it's hard to say hard to say under the bleachers that sports plus cleaning. How much. It's hard to say. Hard to say. They're under the bleachers. That sports plus cleaning. I don't know how much. It's like 50, 50. So they settle it again with the weird sudden death handlock rules of this universe.

Risk control. Risk control. Yeah, dad does some finger risk control. It's like, it's like a setting on gold and I like licensed to kill hand locks. Any wins. Yeah. Well, see the coach is very clearly arguing the sympathetic Eli argument that the bullied kids deserve it. Damn it.

They need to buck up and stop you. So weird. And the janitors like, no, a physical abuse is wrong. And the coach is like, well, you said mean shit about Buddhists. And then, and then he grabs him by the thumb and physically a few of the generous very obviously a violent leftist. He's very good. Well, let's, let's be fair. Let's be fair. Only one of these two people physically assaults the other, right? Like the dad, dad, gender or the good guy attacks this dude. Um, right.

So the sports kids are the good guys is what we're saying. Three votes. I liked Blake. Um, so he's a little out of my league, little out of my league, I admit, but I like to play. So after school, or during, or who gives a shit, the kids are hanging outside being angsty. When Elijah comes park, pouring into the scene, yeah. Right. And she, she's like, what did we do to them? And I wanted Elijah to be like, well, according to you, you sick to ghost on them and then drew a picture saying that you were going to sick to ghost on them and then told them to their faces that you were sicking a murderous ghost on them. That's what you did to them. Yeah.

So do you mean besides the demon nexus and the ghost murder thing? Bro, I feel like the fact he was pretty clear about why he's mad at it. So yeah. So now Elijah has to talk with this is the dumbest goddamn thing dialogue I think we've ever encountered. So Elijah starts talking to him because he's got the girl's cell phone. That's his then. He's like, Hey, I found your cell phone over by the bleachers where you got beat up and didn't pick up your cell phone. She's like, Okay, and then Elijah turns to Ian and he goes, you know, fooling around with spirits is dangerous.

And then everyone carries on with the conversation as though that was a sane person thing to say. Exactly. He's like, no, it's not dangerous. I'm ending this normal conversation now. And I was like, you don't know what you're trifling with one more word. Able, I'll do it. Able. Sorry.

Sorry. He actually starts trifling with. It's amazing. So okay. So now Crystal charges into the hallway and randomly tells Alicia she wants the fat kid to die. These two characters haven't met, right? But now they do.

I really wanted Alicia to just ignore that. Like the Goth Girl has to like walk past again and be like, I hope all of them die. Pay attention to me. She goes over the cop. We're going to murder the fat kid. I want attention. I was like, nobody cares. Go to hot topic. Just get away. But instead Alicia says, I care about you, random goth chick. I'm a good guy character. Yeah. I am the protagonist protagonist. I think that's probably pro pro pro to the Nagnest. But of course, she's like, you know, like we can we can solve this problem together.

And Christmas like no, this is an exact quote, certain forces are now in motion. And nobody can change it. Oh God, if I had an ankle. So now Alicia storms off into a classroom and this is where we read, read, read, meet Norman, the nerd that showed him around earlier. Norman's Norman might as well be stroking a white cat and spinning around in a chair. Yes. Hey, I'm just setting up the end of the movie here.

Here's my collection of rare African critters. Why does Norman get a classroom? That doesn't see you. The normal space in this building is madness. Right. Yeah. Boucher system. We need a voucher system. So yeah. So Norman collects, we're rare animals from Africa, you know, like high school students do. And he pulls out his ball python. And he's like, would you like to touch my snake? But honestly, late in the semester with the snake, she's, oh, that was good. Like pretty sure. Norman came there. Yeah. Between Norman and me, we came at least one. So at least once. So now the popular girlfriend shows up and she's like, Alicia, we have to leave this scene is over now.

Yeah. It's literally so close. So I've seen. Yeah. So okay. So now her and the popular girl, Alicia, the popular girl, walking down the hallway, when suddenly the popular girl, here's a creepy noise in the duct.

And they look in there and nothing's in there, but I wanted so badly for the golf kid to be in there just like, yeah, I'm purchasing. Go away. All right. So now it's time to meet Dr. God, Jesus Joseph Smith did the naming in this fucking movie. We're going to meet Dr. Al Jornan Wheeling. And I resent this movie using my exact father-in-law for all of their characters. Everyone on this call has met my father-in-law and is aware how on this call has met my father in law and is aware how moment to moment perfect, including bringing a guitar at a moment that's inappropriate.

Yes. This character is. And his nicknames the acoustic professor. Is that because he plays the guitar every week? And he's a super intelligent mouse. That never comes back. They don't even super intelligent mouse. That's never come back. They don't even know what they're fucking making illusions to. Yes, holes. We're all going on. Pay attention. So yeah. So and he's brought up, he's coming up at the RV,

where mom's hanging out. And he brought the test results about that crystalline substance in the straw. Turns out it was sugar. Sugar and paint thinner of some, you know, wood preserver of some sort. Yeah, yeah, lacquer. And based on how I think microscopes work, I mean, put like a, a stethoscope on top of like a tape recorder at some point. I like it.

We don't know anything about what's happening. So, okay, so now we're back at the school It we're at woodshop and all the kids are picking on Leonard because everybody knows he got cursed by a ghost And what is he building in shop class? He's got like 300 cubits ago for an art And he's gonna put it through a jigsaw It's crazy best So and he has no sense of humor about having a demon sick done them. They're like, so I hear you're going to die from a demon attack and he's like, stop it. Go on. Making this birdhouse for my mom. She's real sick right now. And sure, I lash out, but you know,

maybe the adult should do something about that. Birdhouse. Yeah, but it's too late because Leonard gets the ghost sickness. Yeah, everyone turns black and white and and and drove a factory. And the actor chooses to enact this by lying on the ground and having a seizure, but it's just him lying down and doing his best impersonation of heath running for a train. It would make the whole movie worthwhile. down and doing his best impersonation of Heath running for a train. It was the greatest. It would made the whole movie worthwhile. I had it down as the horizontal truffle shuffle.

I thought it was, it was like he was having withdrawal from like mashed potatoes. And okay, it did look like me. Fine. Whatever. So, but it was fun. It was fat kid seizure was fun. You got a good movie. It's the old saying.

You need to have no bad scenes It was fat kid seizure was fun. You got a good movie. It's the old saying. You need to have no bad scenes and three fat kid seizures. Yeah. So it's still that movie, but there's a third of the way there's a lot of exactly. It was almost a good movie. So, okay. So, Janet or dad goes to tell the principal, shit, just got real. And the principal's like, you know, I'm sorry to have to say this again, but a picture on

a locker is not sufficient evidence of the afterlife. So, okay, but what about audio of a stroke victim choir saying his name, again, just that could just be voices. I don't really think that's a, and then then then they learn that the only black kid at school is going to be the next victim. Yeah. Right. Right. And does anyone wonder if the God's kids had like an awkward conversation about whether it was racist to curse the black kid? Cool. No, he was picked on us. And Crystal was like, I know he did, but like, I feel like people are going to say that we did it.

We didn't do him first. Well, obviously we didn't do him first, but like, I just feel like, okay, maybe that, it feels weird. If the one black kid gets found hanging from a news that's bad PR, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I just feel like that's the headline. Optics. It's going to become about race. They're going to, they're going to pull their sides in. It's going to be about race. So yes. And now they have the check Blake's

locker to see if he's been cursed. He apparently has not yet been cursed, but they do find a one of the mysterious sugar straws in his locker. And the dogs freaking the fuck out about this one. Yeah. And so they're like, okay, Blake, there's a ghost trying to kill you, you're suspended. Three hours. Three hours. Three punishment for that.

That's their exact reaction. All right, so now we head back to the RV crime lab. The dog is examining all the evidence. I wanted the dog to be pouring stuff into test two. Right. Right. Bob, Bob, Bob. The dog goes through the scene from swordfish

and other dog puts its head in his lap. What are you, Bob? Bob, Bob. Bob, Bob. So, mom notices something interesting. Well, not interesting because it's in this movie, but she notices something in the straw. Using an old timing magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes, you find something we can see in the straw with our eyes. She showed us in the movie.

Who are eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Again, not really clear how the whole magnification things works. So okay, so now we cut to Elisha that later that day. She's sitting at the steps of the RV and Blake shows up in his sweet Camaro or whatever the hell that is. I don't know, Carson. Hey, I came by because the writers think they're progressive. It's just hoping I might get some, sorry, you got cursed pity sex. Maybe.

Yeah, so then we get the happy teen walking montage, which was a very odd tonal shift. It was literally like, oh my gosh, he's the next victim. I think I'll go for a walk. It's right. It was Shannon my way. All of a sudden it's the intro to Dawson's Creek and then we're back to move. Did it. Well, and I love to because they do the whole the whole Dawson's Creek walking montage.

But when they finally come out of the musical part and they have to go to the conversation, it's like, so you think it goes to rape? Or, yeah, it goes probably maybe, but playing the big game against Valley on Saturday. Stupid ghost. And now they're holding hands because you know, it's getting serious. There's also this really awkward moment. And I don't who's racist, the movie or me, he goes, yeah, I mean, I feel like I should know not to pick on people. And I was like, should you know, is it because he's black? Is that why you should know?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. The movie thinks like black people should know better. Oh, he says, oh, absolutely. He's like prejudice is wrong in all forms. I have a dream. I'm black.

Someone, on both sides, someone wrote our lives as a story. I bet they'd have plenty of black friends. I'm black. Someone wrote our lives as a story. I bet they'd have plenty of black friends. I'm black. So yeah, so they get back to the RV and she's like, sorry, I can't invite you in. You're black. But they have one door. Oh god. Yeah.

It's only. So yeah, and then there's this bizarre lip rape moment Thank you, man. It's only one water fountain. And then there's this bizarre lip rape moment. Oh, yeah. This is very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. She has a thing on her shoulder. He's like, oh, you got a little spider on your shoulder.

They're a little foreshadowing. And then she's like, oh, thanks. And he's like, I kiss you. And she's like, oh, don't do that again. And he's like, oh, oh. Yeah that again. And he's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. His response is very upsetting. Like, he might as well like fist bump the spider afterwards and then like, slim some laps that stand for it with the spider.

You got to get, and I got to live. Spider runs away. Well, but I love to like, okay, so you see this a lot in movies where the guy goes in for the kiss and then she's not ready for it or whatever. And usually the movie tries to play this office a normal thing and she kisses him back. But in this movie, like afterwards, she makes it very clear. There is absolutely no consent here. Oh, yeah.

Like she's sitting a dog with a newspaper. It's just like, no, no, no. Could have been a stranger on the subway for all she cared. So yeah. So Blake leaves, and then dad has to rip into her for kissing that black boy. Yeah. And at no point does this family have the, it's not a race thing conversational, which I love, which totally makes it feel like a race thing. He's like, you know, he's a suspect for a crime. And she's like, he's the victim. And she's like, ah, not that crime.

You know, they, they commit crimes is what I'm saying. They commit a lot of them. He's born suspects. He's right. He's a rare, come on. You know, we're talking about the bit ass off. It might be sad during the movie. Tell the very toss if you know.

So yeah. So, and then she's like, you know, he's like, you can't be in love and she's like, what's wrong with being in love? And he's like, the plot kind of demands that there be a conflite. I don't fuck just don't ask questions. So she storms off. And then mom and dad leave to go meet up with Dr. Algjornon. And this, that, that exists solely so that they can walk out and have the whole, he reminds me of you and you were his age kind of a conversation. Is giant green. Yeah. Right. Because I have the same good looks. No, no, white guy relax

there. Relaxed there. Grow or not a shower, whatever. No, no, I guy, relax there. Relax there, grow or not a show or whatever. No, no, I've had plenty of orgasms with like guys when they team up what? What? What? So, all right. What did you say? So they leave the parents leave and at the same time, the phone rings, it's Dr. Stewart, who's Dr. Stewart go fuck yourself?

Leonard, the fat kid has just lapsed into level two. What's that? Go fuck yourself. Literally, he's, he's lapsed into level two. Level what on Mario? He's on a water level. That's what that fucking means. It's a level two ghost coma. I do. Yeah. The doctor put him under a microscope and it said level two sick call secret fake cops when they see him down on his cell. I could take off. Hell. Fucking weird. Yeah. No, they may have never make any effort to explain that. And it's

just now that Alicia remembers that she forgot to reload the digital recorder. So she has to go back to the school to do that now because that's the next, that's where the next scene happens. You see exactly. Oh, and also, okay. So Elijah, the boy twin has found something important. So he has to go sneak off somewhere as well. He's going to go see one of Abel's relatives, I guess.

Right. And he's trying to psych himself up to take the car because he takes his sister's car keys and he's like, all right, I'm an FBI. I've got all this training and then we get actually pretty funny shot where we see him like psyching up to steal the car and then the next shot is him riding a scooter to the house. Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty. That's pretty good. It's like me walking over a girl at a bar like you're good enough, you're smart enough. Gosh darn it. You got a podcast.

It's like the radio, but on the internet, I just tend to be a racist for really wrong events like whole episodes. It's it's once you know my character. It's fun. Don't listen to it. Yes. Started episode one. Okay, so now, but before we get to that, we got to go back to the science factory because

this is very important. The doctor, Eli's father-in-law absolutely perfectly. And God, Jesus, when I saw that in your notes, I cracked the fuck up, has realized that the straw has pheromones in it. And he's even doing my father lost thing of not answering direct questions when it matters. He's like, I wonder what for it could be. And they're like, well, what does that mean? And he's like, what doesn't it mean? And they're like, you know, we're trying to solve murders. Right?

Auto. Auto. You want to put down the banjolini and just like what you want for lunch dad dad so I love when you force hug him and he hates it he really hates you the low thing in his eyes when I got to catch it for a second when you fake, when you force hugged him, it was the great. Oh, I love a he hates me so much. The good times. All right. So yeah. And also, by the way, they found pheromones and some bug parts in a straw. And I just want to throw that out because it's going to come back. But at the

time, I'm just like, what the fuck are we are ranting about in this dumb shit? I'm so okay. So now we got to go back over to Alicia. She's sneaking into the school. Her plan, what she was there to do was switch out the recorder, which is going to require a lot of just randomly wandering around. She, yeah. I wanted to see the map of how she made it to the recorder. It's like a spiral inward to where the recorder is.

Yeah. Like one of those family circus cartoons or something. Yeah, exactly. But now, now the boiler room door is open and she can find out what the fuck was going on and they're the whole time. I'm going to put a pin in that. We'll be back to it. But meanwhile, we got to go to Elijah, who is going to, I guess the sisters, the, the

suicide kid's sister's house. Right. And he, I mentioned this at the beginning, but he does such a bad job sneaking that he accidentally throws himself into a tiresome. It's the greatest thing. Like he's tiptoeing through a yard at night. There's a tire swing. He like looks left, looks right, tries to dive through the middle, makes it. Yeah, no, comically bad sneaking. Jay and Silent Bob trying to get into the animal

clinic levels of sneaking. Yeah. So he stands up from the tire swing mass after he finally unties himself from that. And the person who lives there puts a shotgun to his head because he's a child in her yard. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't know what the laws are like in this part of the country. I feel like that's probably legal, but it shouldn't be. Yeah. Yeah. This is a white kid.

You got to take it easy. I can't stand your ground all the time. So yeah. So he tells the lady that he's looking for the sister of the kid who hung himself in the school 10 years ago. And she says, oh, that's me. He's like, are you sure? Because you're like 62. Yeah. I admit, this was, he was supposed to have hung himself 10 years ago. And she is 80. Yeah. Yeah. No, she is definitely like that guy's mom more than sister.

And the way he earns her trust is he goes, tell me about the kid who hurts so much he died. Hey, it's so weird. And I wrote a.k.a. the Eli Bosnix story. Ha, ha, ha. Is planned to deescalate the gun to his neck is daunting this woman about her suicide brother. Yeah, right, right.

This is about the point in the movie where I started like going like, to want to take this woman about her suicide brother. Yeah, right. Right. This is about the point in the movie where I started like going like, I wonder how much of this runtime is credits at the end. It was none by the way. There's not the universe that we were watching didn't have credits. Yeah. I'm looking for five there. Minimum. Yeah, right, right.

All right. So, so the sister invites Elijah and they're having some tea and she explains that Abel Fry never murdered his girlfriend. She died of meningitis and then he hung himself and stab wounds plus meningitis. Mostly the man she had meningitis. At the time she died, you decide. I also love to. She shows him Abel's picture. She says, does he look like a murderer? And I'm like, yeah, totally.

Like, if you see the trench code mafia, kids need a microscope, but yeah, kind of naked eye. And then we have to throw down the Abel getting bullied montage. Okay. Okay. One second. They throw eggs at him. That feels like a weird. I mean, look, maybe I wasn't bullied or a bully, hypothetically,

at the right time, but I feel like it's just like assault. Like they might as well have done a drive-by shooting like shot his feet off his body and been like, oh, childhood breaks. Well, yeah, I mean, throwing eggs, there's a lot that goes into that because you have to carry eggs around with you for quite a while. And they, you know, you can't just throw them on the back of your bike. Yeah. And then a long border comes in at the very end like all the kids throw eggs, but then

there's a long border like 20 minutes later, he's already on the ground covered in egg and he's like, fuck, I'm late. Well, smash. I feel like the kind of lost now, but that's how I'm boarded all the way here with this egg. It's nice. So meanwhile, sis is still poking around the school's ceaseless labyrinth of basements and addicts and shit to a point where she's literally crawling through a tunnel at this

point. The air ducts, she crawls through air ducts. The blueprint of the school is fucking crazy. Like she's fighting the footclans, she's rolling through like, time to fireballs under Alcatraz with Sean Connery. It's crazy. Only the peninent man will pass at a certain point. Yeah, no, it's pretty bizarre.

But this is where she comes across the Satanism room, right, with the candles and a pentagram, which she smudges and makes entirely useless. We made me very upset. There it is. You break the fucking circle. I thought you were a project very toss. You don't break the circus. A like.

Now the now the monsters will be able to get out. So yeah, and also, by the way, in addition to the pentagram and all the Satan candles and shit, they also have pictures of Blake Leonard, the quarterback and a couple other characters that I'm pretty sure we've never met and a couple of cow skulls because that's creepy. Yeah. Also a bunch of creepy skull masks, right? She goes down the row of masks. Yeah, I wonder what will happen.

I honestly, I wanted one of them to be holding a sign that was like the real guys over there. I wish they showed him like, like waiting there for a long time to decide where to line himself up. She goes to like the other stuff, his side first, his fucks up his whole reveal. He's like, come on, why would you walk all the way down to me? And then go back and go back. I spent days on this with the party store with the masks when they had back order crazy billionaire remake of this movie. It's just me and the panting makes it super obvious. Are you okay? Yeah, there's stairs in the mask attacks her.

She bites him and runs away. And then as she's running away, she runs into a lie. She screams because that's kind of her thing. And she says, let's get out of here. The bad guys right behind me is like, shouldn't we figure out who it is? You seem to be handling them pretty easy. You just take off his mask and solve this whole thing. She's like, this is still at two dammit., and believe it or not, that's as close as any scene is going to come the out ending

in a cliffhanger. So we're going to pause right there for a quick break. But first, let me give act three the hard sell. Will Alicia uncover the witch's secret and time to save Blake? Conduct your wheeler identify the pharaoh mones before it's too late. Will the twist ending on this movie be that God doesn't exist in religious beliefs or a byproduct of being manipulated by a sociopathic bullshit artist? Find out the answer to these questions and more. When we return for the conclusion of an entirely different movie than the one we've been watching

up until now. Now it's about spiders. Apparently spiders. Shit, Crystal, come on in. My name is Razer Clench now. Razer Firebird. I got it. Okay, Razer Clench and Firebird. Let's try a new tactic. Guys, have you tried not being losers?

I know, I know, hear me out, but let's just little game. How many people do you know who are just killing it at life that dress like you? Well, that isn't a rock star. Anyone that isn't a rock star. Is it nobody? It might be nobody. Okay, kids, I'm going to give it to you straight. The whole world is one big bully. You dress weird. The only people who like you are going to dress weird too. You draw murals. Students get eaten by demons. You're going to get picked on. Life is like high school kids. Now don't get me wrong. As you get older, the pool gets bigger and eventually you'll find enough weirdos just like you to have a friends and a family, but they'll

make sure you never grow or change. And like I said, there are no goth bankers, not from nine to five, okay? But what about like being an individual, it's overrated and non-existent. You're not coming to school wearing clown shoes and a G string. You're dressed in the clothes. You were told to wear by a millionaire who own brands at hot topic, which is owned by the gap honey. You're worse than what is sold as normal. Your soul is different. And at least the assholes walking around the halls and polos and khakis can go out in public without looking like they're going to explode in the sun.

But that doesn't mean that they should get to pick on us. No, no, it doesn't. But right now the picking on is obvious, right? It's wedges and name calling in a few years that'll disappear, but the bullying will stay gets more subtle. It's just lost jobs and friends and people talking behind your back, turn down dates and opportunities. See, life is hard enough kids. There are natural lions and natural sheep, but wearing a wool costume to school doesn't help, okay? It's not everyone else's job

to make the world be nice to you because you dress like extras in a Tim Burton movie. Oh, okay. Okay. Yes. Now, get out of here and get rich, deep or funny. That's who people like. Rich, deep or funny.

Funny, rich or funny. Funny, rich, or normal. This was a weird meeting. Yeah, well, really weird. Saved you some time. Hahaha. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroine, she was running around screaming like an idiot.

And when we rejoin her, she's apparently gathered up Elijah and her dad so she can show them in her words, the witch is nest. But it's gone. Yes, nowhere to be found. Senuals picturing a goth girl, like vomiting a worm into another one's mouth. I'm just kidding.

Sorry, what are you guys talking about? Pictureing it. I'm Googling it. Okay. I didn't find anything good. Just save you some trouble. So yeah, no, I want to point out that this is how brilliant these detectives are. She's like, huh, there was a tunnel that leads to this, but now there's a pipe here

instead, wherever could the tunnel be? And they're like, I don't fucking know. I guess is why I guess we can't track down that clue anymore. And later on, they're going to have to move this pipe to reveal the tunnel. Sorry. And it's obviously the same prop because the dad can't even touch it. He's just like, oh, he, he, that's not. But at this point, this is the first time dad starts thinking to himself, maybe my

teenage children shouldn't be investigating murder. Um, so he says, no, this is getting too dangerous. You have to go stay with your grandparents. Yeah, you got to go stay with James and Jimina Bond. They'll take care of you. But Alicia is pissed. She's like, Dad, that was so fuck up the momentum of this story. He's like, okay, all right. You can put your lives on the line for one more day, but you better find them murderer fast. I'm going to make you go to grandma's house. One more act of being kid nomadic. That's it. That's it.

Last one. Hard cutoff at an hour and 37 minutes. So, okay. So now, the janitor, as if to just remind us how little his cover matters, is now in the principal's office with what a cop doing there. Right. Right. So the cop and the janitor are now questioning E in the

goth kid about the murders. And it gets like, I don't see why the janitor is involved in this, but okay. Why he wears glasses as part of his disguise. He just vomits on the floor, starts with mopping up his own vomit. Oh, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm supposed to be here. And they roll it. This is a great moment. They roll up his sleeve to see if he has bite marks on him and he does it.

And I wanted them to be like, show us your balls. I was waiting for the wheel in an MRI machine. Okay, check the arms again. Check it again with this. Do we have a Hubble telescope we can use? If I'm track marks over all over his arms and they're like, nope, nope, he's good. He's good. So yeah, but that's very important right because she bit the person who attacked him.

So now whoever the bad guy is has bite marks on clever. Okay, so now we cut to the Satanist chanting more Harry Potter spells. Yeah. And they're doing a lot of cane work, I thought. More cane work than what it gets for Satanism. Yeah. No, you have to really have to coordinate that shit. Another great scene when we do the musical remake, by the way, like, stop the art, cane stuff, a little bit of walking in a circle, hitting themselves with the bibles, like the monks.

Yeah. See, I was thinking crazy billionaire money remake, we get the rehearsals for this, like three, two, what? Really, Alan? Really? It's not on two. Alan, it's not on two. Asshole.

This is why people bully us. I love to that in their own little ritual, they have to all wear masks so that we the audience won't be able to tell who they are. Seems like they're all together with themselves now. It seems like that'd be okay. Anyway, but now they have an Alicia Voodoo doll. She's getting cursed by the suicide ghost. Right.

And you could tell that it's Alicia's Voodoo doll because it's got a little crucifix on it. Yeah. And I was like, I feel like the ghost sitting there with like 28,000 kids. And he's like, Hey, little more specific. Oh, so the Christian, I should go after the Christian girl. Everyone who Eli doesn't get to fuck. Gotcha. All right. So now we cut to Alicia and how hard you bullied him. So we cut over to, okay, so Norman runs into Alicia in the hall. He's getting some, trying to get a soda, but the thing won't take his dollar. She gives him some change. That's how we open that scene up. Yeah.

And he goes that out because it becomes important. She goes, how are your snakes and bugs? And he goes, you mean my friends? And I want her to be like, see, this is why you get bullied and ignored Norman. Someone says, how are your snakes and bugs? Look at me. You see how attractive and nice I am. You just say, fine, how are you?

You see Norman? Yeah, you see. Yeah. So he wears the fuck out and wanders off and then crystal comes up all angsty again. Someone dumped a soda on her. Yeah. Yeah. Which is worse than drawing pictures of them dead. And but it's not worse than sicking a murderous ghost on some. No, we're ranking. If we're ranking the murder, the murder race is on some. No, we're ranking. Exactly. We're ranking the murder. The murder races. Yeah.

Well, I mean, we know we're raking the. I think we're going to. That's not great. We don't need to. Moving on. Moving on. And I also want to point out that's okay.

I'm not trying to like, I'm not trying to say that jumping a soda on one on somebody's head is okay or anything, but Alicia reacts as though this girl was just gang raped by bears. She's like, oh my God, are you okay? Like I wanted there to be an ambulance. She's wrapped in a foil blanket. Seriously, you're going to bring a Pepsi over near her. You know what she's going through. And okay. So she lends, uh, uh, uh, Crystal, her jacket, just to remind know what she's going through. And okay, so she lends crystal or jacket

just to remind everybody that she's a good person. And then the scene ends, but just as it does, she goes to close her locker and we see that there's a hangman in it, which is kind of stupid. Since we already saw the Satanist cursing her earlier, what are you revealing assholes? Anyway, so now it's time to go back to Dr. Wheeler's for more exciting straw analysis. The straw had a spider in it. And that's really it. Yeah, but that will eventually sort of pay off. But before it does, we have to cut to the school play rehearsal. And they're doing the satanic dancing play. I'm gonna throw this out there. Bad choice for a play this year.

Bad choice. If you've got a hanged kid killing students, satanic dancing with a big new sunstage, not the best one. They actually have a giant new sunstage. What the fuck show were they putting on? It's a ballet about the death eaters. Or hang this cursed the musical. Yeah. could be that

meta. Yeah, so okay. Now I want to point out this is a rehearsal for the play, but despite that all the students are there watching the rehearsal. Oh, my fantasy. Yeah. I school Elijah's like, yeah, I mean, if you guys want to hang out. And so Elijah comes up, he tries to sit with the goth kids, but they all move away from him because fuck him, except crystal. She's busy in sane drawing and doesn't move away or drawing and missing. It was hard to tell. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It was like a 13 year old trying to have sex for the first time. Um, but then suddenly she starts having ghost seizures. Are you probably meant something?

You bet. I don't know. So so crystal starts having herself a ghost seizure that the the teacher that is directing the play her reaction to this seizure is all right guys rehearsals over. I will not be going to help the girl that just had the seizure. I'll leave that to the students. She doesn't. not be going to help the girl that just had the seizure. I'll leave that to the student. She does it, which, hey, very realistic for high school, the dress, if someone had died during my dress rehearsal, our director would have been like, all right, 10, 10. And I mean that just 10, everybody. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm going to do a little extra work. Listen. Where are the puppeteers?

I use it. Use it. So dad and a Lyshire hanging out in the hallway later on blowing his cover even more when Blake comes up. Now Blake, as you recall, has been suspended from school for being cursed by a ghost, but he's back at the school now because he wants to stop the ghost before it's too late. What? Yes.

Okay. Fine. No idea. And she's like, oh, okay. And he's like, never mind. I run away. And he does. He just runs away.

Yeah. Well, and she follows him, but he disappears because he's Batman, apparently too. But as she's looking for him, she hears creepy sounds coming from that very same vent, which results in the greatest pull things out of her vagina moment. She has a little bit of, I'm going to say second greatest, but okay. All right, she reaches down and not like out of her purse even. She just reaches down and her hand produces an evening mirror. A telescopic mirror from Restoration Hardware, 1999.

Absolutely. Just been doing an amateur dentistry with it so far, but this is perfect for vent looking. So I want to point out that it's not like she finds anything here, right? I did I miss something or did she just stick the mirror in the vent and then leave? Well, she didn't even angle the mirror at all. So she couldn't have seen it. It wasn't even facing no.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Just we just, we were just playing what's in her vagina now. Yeah. Um, so now Elijah goes upstairs to talk shit to the ghosts. He gets in a fight with the ghosts. He does.

He gets in a shouting match with him. But at the same time, Ian, no, Ian is Crystal's boyfriend. Crystal just got ghost curse and he's feeling really bad. He's like, oh, you know, I only see the spirits and now they've attacked my girlfriend. I'm going to hang myself with this news stage prop that happens to be here. Fair, feel like putting a news on stage, bad choice. Poor choice. We're asking for it.

And it seems like the high school version of like, suicide, the ballet, doesn't have the gallows and the news for the high school. That's like a mild safety hazard that, you know, like an attractive nuisance, what am I saying? Well, and what was the thing at the very least that if they were gonna have a news, You know, like an attractive nuisance, what might say? Well, and what was the thing at the very least that if they were going to have a news, it would be a prop, right?

It wouldn't be an actually, you can hang yourself from this, but no, and this, this school production was all about realism, dammit. Yeah, fuck it's thantoslovsky, motherfucker. So now we should point out too that they're in the process of trying to evacuate the school because they've realized that there's just way too much ghost activity going on. So they're bringing all the kids to the auditorium while they, you know, rustle up all their buses and whatnot. And this matters because just as Ian is about to step into the news, the curtain opens

and somehow he didn't hear the 900 kids on the other side of the curtain until just then and realized that he has an audience for his suicide. They seem way more excited about this than the play. And they are literally chanting for him to kill himself. Oh yeah, it's like three kids in the room. I feel like it was mixed, like some of them didn't know it, like it was like, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, don't do it. One dollar, like a lot of weird yelling behind it. I would have been the one kid that tried to start a suicide chant. And then there's a flash cut to me in the principal's office. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to take advantage of an opportunity. How many times would I get to see an upset kid withdrawing on his face? And how many times would I get to see the life leave someone's eyes? No, you're in trouble, Dr. Pena. You're in trouble. Forgive me for having some school spirit. Also, okay. So as all the kids are chanting, of course, we have to because this is technically a Christian movie, we have to flash back to other scenes from the movie. So we now flash back to pretty much every scene that Ian has been in

up to this point as he's trying to decide whether to kill himself. And just as he's deciding that he will, Blake and Chandler, their dad show up along with Elijah, he jumps in the news, but everybody grabs his legs and unhangs him. He gets, it's blocked. It's so good. All right. So meanwhile, Alicia has more things in her vagina, apparently amongst them, not just a flashlight and a telescoping magnifying glass, but also two gigantic boxes of spy shit. Oh, some some rolling luggage, a personal item. Yeah.

The world's largest portable camera, which is like, it's probably what SWAT had in 1975. It is just huge. It's a colonoscopy camera. Yeah. She has a claw scope in her luggage that carries around. I want to see what she does on other missions. Right. This one seems like a boring one compared to what she said. Bill is in his asshole. Yeah. Right. So yeah. So she pulls out her colonoscopy camera feeds that down into the vent. She can't find anything there. So now she's going to put on her, her ghost busters outfit. Her mask. Man, she's way to say vent.

Guy. Yeah. The word. I'm sure if I, this outfit makes sense. If you know the vents are full of spiders, but she does not. No, no. And that's the thing. Yeah, exactly. We'll later find out that there's a damn good reason for her to be in this suit, but she has no fucking idea of that. Well, maybe the impossible mirror thing she saw spiders. Was that the first? I maybe, but like, why wouldn't they clue us in on that? Anyway, okay. So now it's time to finally reveal the plot of this goddamn movie.

So we go back to Dr. Wheeler and mom, they're still examining straws and now they've figured out what the real problem is. You see, they have a weird African wolf spider thing that's been biting the kids and giving them ghost hallucinations. Yeah. So this was the villains plan. The villains plan was I will cover $50 bills in fair amounts in spider pheromones. Yeah, spider pheromones. I will give it to them when they bully me. I'll be like, here you go. You bullied me out of $50 and they'll be like, wow, that's a lot of money. I know. Waited bully. Then I will take a straw with a spider and I will sneak it into their locker.

That spider will have sugar and poison on either end of the straw, but it will be so excited about the poison, about the pheromones on the money that I give them that it will eat its way through the sugar poisoning itself, bite the kid because the pheromones will not result in lady spiders and then instantly die. There's no way this fucking girl. That is literally the end. That is the pot.

That was his fucking plan. Yeah. And also, by the way, it also requires starting a ghost story school wide. And it also means the entire movie so far was meaningless every part of the plot. Now, all of the messing with spirits is Daytono because they don't exist.

Yeah, right. This movie just pulled the religion rug out from under you. It's all bullshit. So the goth kids were just like getting lucky with the suicide hex lining up with spider bites. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no that so that they thought that they were doing the curse thing and he was like going around behind him and actually doing the spider thing. But because this is not convoluted enough, while he was doing this plan, he accidentally put a female spider instead of a male spider into one of the straws, which bred with a brown reckless spider, which now is made hybrid wolf brown recluse poison spiders that are now all over the school. Thousands and thousands of super deadly hybrid spiders are now infesting the school. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't see any of them until mom figures this

out, right? There's already 26 billion of them in this school, but it's only after mom figures it out, the spiders are like, okay, guys, kill, kill. Okay, act three, ready? Break spiders. They crawl from literally everywhere. That is the next scene. It's just spiders crawling out of every possible fucking surface.

Yeah, but my notes are at this point, are like, is this a movie about killer spiders? What the fuck happened here? Yeah, so no, we didn't accidentally put the C segment from a different episode onto this episode, guys, it's now about spiders. So yeah, now that we know about the killer spiders that Alicia's walking into and cut back to her in her beekeeper radiation suit and she heads into the vent full of death spider. What is she doing just to visually confirm more spiders?

Oh, yeah, right, right. What does she expect to find here? Who the fuck? No, I don't understand. I'm pleased. So, okay. So, we come to the brother Elijah and and Ian the goth kid making friends outside post suicide attempt, right? in the goth kid making friends outside post suicide attempt. Right. And Ian is super, super sorry about, you know, using a death monster spirit to try to kill

his sister. I tried to kill myself right in your face. Well, it's funny because he's like, man, I just want to apologize. And he's like, oh, man, everyone goes through hard times. He's like, no, wait for it. I believed I had the power to magically murder people. And I um, used it on your sister. So party foul party foul.

And Elijah is super, super forgiving on this one. He's like, yeah, you know, everybody tries to kill my sister now and again, you know, you wait until the next six movies. You should have seen when we tried that child prostitution, right? You sure? It was a real negative Nancy about that. So mom calls dad to tell him about the death spider so that everybody's clued in on the plot.

So dad tells everybody, hey, you know, I'm the janitor, so I'm in charge. Don't let anyone leave the building until they've been searched for pharamones. spy max the dog. Max the dog's got to give everyone a stop and frisk. Yeah, I mean, that's excellent. But I want it so bad for the rest of the movie to be like janitor to shoving kids between two paints of glass and like putting them under a giant microscope to check for pharamones. That wouldn't have been the weirdest use of magnification in the film. So yeah. So they show this scene and this is one of those, like, just little, like, it pisses me

off because I actually lived in an RV for a while, kind of moments. Mom is just going to drive the RV now to the school because that's the quickest way to get there. But she doesn't unplug it from the power. She doesn't move the extension back in. Unhook the shit tube, unshug the wheels, put anything away, roll in the awning. Like she just like starts her up and starts driving the fuck off. Yeah, that's how RVs work. Oh, see, that's the kind of mistake I would make. Earlier this year, I may or may not have lost a, why don't we just live in an RV and drive

around and see the whole country fight to my wife? You have provided some evidence. No, I gotta say I would highly recommend it. It's an awesome awesome fucking way to live, especially if you have a little tiny dog. You just have to like do a few things before you leave, is all I don't love doing things. You know what I like buildings? I like buildings with foundations that you live in. Yeah. Yeah. No.

And the hurricanes are reminding us why. So yeah, that's actually what I was living in our view. It was mostly in Florida too, not not advisable. So Alicia, apparently having forgotten now that the goddamn places in Fester with spiders is just slowly creeping around the forbidden wing. For reasons, the movie will never share with us. What the fuck is she doing in this part of the plot is over.

Yes, that's done. It's new movie. Exactly. Also, this is such an amazing scene. As she's looking around, she finds the news that Abel Fry killed himself with. I want to see that scene. The paramedics just unhooking the kid off their outfits and he's like, wait, wait, wait a second,

Alan, leave the news. You're a prankster. You're a prankster. What the fuck? Yeah. So yeah, so she finds the news again, this will have nothing to do with anything. Yeah. And she starts talking to Abel Fry again.

This is meaningless. I wanted the ghost to be like, yeah, I'm, I'm a mcguffin. It's actually, I'm not thinking you're stupid. What are you doing here? Go back to the movie that you were in before. So is there worry about these spiders, lady? So, okay, so we cut back to the dog. He's sniffing out pheromones on everybody's way out. And I feel like if you know you ever a fucking building filled with deadly spiders, you get everyone out of that and then you check them. Right?

Like step one, get them out of the spiderville. Also love when the dog actually barks at one of the kids, they just drag them off and strip them against as well. And the person's like, it seems like there's some civil liberties being violated. All right, so if we find a spider, we strip the kid naked and spray him with the poison. Yeah. All right, I was thinking just the poison.

All right, what did I say? What did I say? You, I feel like we had the same idea. We both said we were just so to pay. I get poisoned involved. Good point. Okay. Makes them slippery. We're locked in like a 13 year old having sex for the first time. All right. So he ends outside. Um, and he's suddenly realizing that this whole thing actually was a scubae due episode. There was never any ghost. He's been manipulated. Um, so he apologized for being so goth. Mm hmm. And Elijah realizes at this point that he knows exactly who's to blame. It was the way to old sister of Abel Fry. Well's to blame it was the way to old sister of able fry.

Well, no, it was the second he was the second he because he flashes back to her showing him a picture because apparently the FBI did not teach him. Hey, who's the other kid in that picture? Right. Right. Yeah, it turns out that Norman, the kid with Amistad's Ark in one of the classrooms, actually was able fries nephew. And he's doing all of this to avenge his uncle who was killed by different bully kids.

I guess. Yeah. So anyway, so Alicia, taking her fucking time walking through the spider den, has now found Norman's dollar fair moaning room. Yeah. This is like bad guy evidence of room. Yeah. So they spiders and straws and bills and like Norman's autobiography entitled I did it.

I did the spider thing. She's looking at it. And that's when Norman shows up for the bad guy monologue. Oh, and it is so amazing. Norman is just literally he might as well be literally chewing the scenery. He's like, they never knew, never knew what the fuck is. Why she doesn't just like kick him in the nuts at any point throughout this experience. Yeah, right. She's not tied up.

She's not debilitated. She's already whipped this guy's ass once. She sees the bite marks on his arm. She knows this is the guy who's asked. She kicked earlier, but she just stands there all helpless and he talks for ever. And so like the test audience was clear like, okay, but who's the bad guy in the movie? So he spends like 45 minutes explaining how his plot worked for slow people. Right.

Yeah. And speaking of slow people, this is where she runs off and he goes to chase her. She gets into the vent full of spiders again, where she's safe. And she falls. And apparently when you fall through that vent, you go to the witches nest from earlier, like a series of Mario brothers tunnels that will be first. Right. So, yeah.

So, but dad hears her screaming while she's in the vent, right? But she falls. The vent collapses and is completely blocked. So they need to find a new way in because this plot just needed more. Apparently the vent got bit by spiders. Yes. The vent collapsed. And also we get that real quick jump spider thing.

I do not like jumpy spiders and they give us like a pop scare of like a spider walking up and then like jumping into the camera. Yeah. I do immediately get up and strip naked and spray myself in poison in my room. I was wondering what that was about. I mean, I do that some other time, but like this time, it was about the spider. Yeah, I was just thinking about that. You weren't watching that.

You were watching a football game when that happened. Hold on. I don't like the patriots. See, Tom Brady starts spraying himself in poison. They got destroyed those. Yeah, no, it was. That was really, really fun. All right.

So go. No chiefs, chiefs, go chiefs, go chief patriots. Chef, I don't know who I'm voting for. I'm voting. Greg, go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go

go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go Yeah, no, that's the redskins. Tom Brady. So, okay, so Alicia has fallen down into the, which is nested and went unconscious or whatever. But now she wakes up, she's covered in spiders, which doesn't matter because she's in a spider proof suit. Why wouldn't she just leave now? Right. Well, we learn her leg is broken. Oh, all right, right. Yeah, but again, you know, I've broken a leg.

You can still move, especially if you're covered in spiders and a murderer is approaching you. Yes. Yes. You can hop. You don't become totally paralyzed. Yeah. So Norman comes in because apparently he knew where she was going to fall, but he's covered in male spider pharomones. So all the spiders avoid him. What's his secret spiders that are on new species that yeah. That's fucking amazing. The spiders. I'll just ignore him. I want, I wrote my notes. Norman comes in, but the spiders leave him alone because they are spider nerds. Yeah, they're got the spiders. They know he's on their side. So, okay. So meanwhile, as this is happening, dad and Elijah find the secret entrance to the witching chamber

Behind the pipe that Alicia said it was behind Clever clever boys, but dad can't fit in so he sends his son into the deadly spider dadden Jesus Christ these people should be arrested. Well, he had a spider suit too. Well, that's true Spare spider's in his vagina. Yeah. So Norman. And so we cut back to Norman. He's super sorry about Killiner with evil spiders. He actually liked her quite a bit. But then he pulls out his big, the boss spider. Suicide spider. the boss spider suicide spider

Yeah, so and he's gonna kill himself with suicide spider because it's gone too far now But not before an enormously long boring like slam poetry reading again Make sure listen. I thought he was gonna make her read the novel. He's been working on Stabs of spider through a heart instead. I would fucking eat a spider rather than right. I would be like, Hey, Norman, look me in my eyes. Your poetry sucks. Chill.

Yeah, but now of course, apparently one of the spiders got north soon. She's getting the spider poison hallucinations and then the movie like suddenly realized oh fuck we're trying to hit Christians with this So she starts praying to Jesus Right, but the movie doesn't know how to Christian so she just sings Jesus loves me Of course her brother shows up mid hallucination dad breaks through the concrete had breaks through the concrete wall, like,

made Ben. Yeah. Someone say, oh, no, someone say, oh, no. I had a whole thing ready. God damn it. So, okay. So now the EMT's are desperately trying to revive her. Dr. Wheeler shows up.

He's like, here's the modified anti-ventom. It's the end of the movie now. I ran it through a spyglass and I'm pretty sure it's the right one now. But then they all pray over her too. So I'm like, oh, okay, Jesus beat spider. So now we know it's black guy, black guy feather, paddle, Jesus spider. Wait, wait, the order was black guy feather paddle spider beach Jesus or Jesus. No, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

What is Jesus? What is Jesus? What is Jesus? What is Jesus? We know that. Spider beach black guy. Spider beach black guy and black guy beats black guy. Black guy beats black guy.

I mean, guys, we're selling a home game. If you couldn't do live shows, it's fun. There's little tokens. It's like settlers of Catan, but way less racist. So there's a token in this movie too. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, so, okay. So, yeah, so they bring her back to life.

The coach and Norman are dead as fuck, as fuck those people. And then there's a Jesus song at the end, which technically makes a Christian movie. So now we had to a quick picnic to wrap everything up. We learned that Ian isn't all got goth and say Tannik now. And neither is Chris. So which means that the moral of this movie was don't dress like nerd. The moral of this movie was that I was, I looked back at all my notes. And I was like, well, the movie stole my bit. stole my bully bit. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Cause now they've

got them dressed in polos and khakis, but with the same hairdos and, and, and we're in makeup and shit. And everybody's just playing frisbee and gang tackling each other for no reason. Nobody has to beat them up. They get to play sports when when they split with the dog. Yeah. Yeah. Max make it to have melanin all of a sudden. There's a lot of pluses. Just don't be weird. And speaking of melanin, we have to figure out how the love story wound up. So Blake and Alicia are now together and they're going to have a big picnic because their house is too small to eat in. It's an RV kind of sucks when it rains, but anyway, so Blake has to say grace and he doesn't know how to

do it because it's a Christian movie, except it's so goddamn easy that you can't not know how to do it. So he doesn't just find. Well, they race it up a little too. He's like, yo, Lord, homie, what's up, brown? Thanks to this sweet, sweet piece of white meat, movies. Yeah. And then the movie is over. Jesus is my and word with an A. So here's here's my thought on this, right? They're writing this movie. Somebody realized it was 456 and there was a game that night and they're like, fuck, how about spiders,

right? And everybody's like, yeah, fuck, spiders. But I feel like that wasn't the first idea. So I want to wrap up tonight by asking for your thoughts on which twist endings they rejected before landing on this weird ass spider shit. Okay, act three was, it's going to be the script of every M night Shyamalan movie read by Gilbert Godfried back to back, which would have been fucking amazing, but these guys are horrible. So they were spiders.

I went to the spiders instead. I was going to go with Pat Robertson's HIV needle rings. All right. So just right there, you guys could have both made better movies. I'm amazing. That's a real theory of parents. He did eventually apologize for saying, yes, yeah, one of the. Okay. Point being he had to apologize for saying that gay people were trying to infect everybody

with rings. Yeah, I mean, that's worse than not apologizing for it, but it's still pretty goddamn. Yes. And I guess that's going to do it for our review of Hangman's curse, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to renew our vows for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck speaking of Satanism, little documentary law enforcement guide to Satanic cults. Can I just go ahead and throw out best worse mullet right now?

Oh, this was, oh, my God, I flipped through it a little bit on YouTube. You will be amazed. The mullet itself, I haven't watched much of it, but the mullet itself will make it worthwhile. Believe me, this was apparently a real law enforcement guide from cops to other cops about how to detect satanic cults during the panic. Yeah. Yeah. No, the whole satanic panic thing, there was a lot of, there was a ton of this shit. And this is a bit of a classic because of that. I am super looking forward to that one. So with that to super look forward to, we're going to bring episode one away to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode

donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And there by early access to an ad free version of every episode, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides, the skeptic rat and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever all its podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Ed

Rotores. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatting of Evil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil Ibosni, I'm an illusion, illusion's promise to work hard to earn all the chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close I went on to have the blanket touched my legs slightly differently causing me to leap out

of bed and shake everything out four different times late in Last night. Last night. Layton Meister went on to not do any nude scenes. Apparently. Oh, look. That's a girl's pretty sweet though. Yeah. People are less frightened of spiders in their home if they don't spend a lot of time in mouse-infested apartments.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You don't get mice. You don't leave open boxes of crackers in your basement apart just lying around like mouse food.

Yup. Is it just me or is Morgan looking kind of old these days? Yeah. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017 all rights reserved. a production of Buzzline Thundersdorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.