God Awful Movies - 109: GAM109 The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

On this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath spend an hour and a half trying to get over the presenter's mullet. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Oh, are we going to talk about that necklace? Can we talk about the second-grader's friendship bracelet? Yes, you reveal as a sign of voodoo. Each of you fruit loops during the Sagittarius. Also candles. If you see candles in a crime site probably Satan is right there, oils. Yeah, also colors. He goes voodoo is colorful. So police, you know, look for things on the visible light spectrum when you're out investigating. God awful movie. OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE I'm your host, Noah Luzon, and sitting in my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back.

Thanks Noah. You know what they don't make into movies enough? What's that? Glossaries. So in the series, really just long strings of text in general, missing from the art form. Yeah, no kidding, no kidding. No good. Well, we're going to change that.

You have not seen Magnolia. And that's my bad friend sitting 81 miles to my right. Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Do you enjoy podcasts? Well, enjoy this podcast. All right. Well, we've we've hinted around quite a bit of the movie glossaries plus what

he'll I just. Yeah. Yep. That's it. So he's making official. What will we be breaking down today? We watched the law enforcement guide to say, Tannick cults. It's the story of what happens when a cop gets pushed out of the department for being a weird obnoxious child and becomes a pastor. Then he buys a camcorder in 1993 and uses the rest of his $5 allowance to produce an instructional video about policing imaginary cults. Oh my, pretty great. Oh, it was fucking amazing and not just the hairdos and Eli. How bad was this movie?

Well, if you loved blood on the road, but you wish it was about the fact that one out of four cars turned into a dragon and eat you. You know, this move it blood on the toad, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this was so fucking insane. Now, I should point out like I grew up right in the satanic panic and I was in Detroit, Michigan for a lot of it where there was like, you know, a lot of that shit. But then I went to South Georgia where they were way scared of it and there was none of it. And my dad was a police officer in Detroit in the 80s and constantly dealt with people calling

the department and going like, I'm satanist is coming back. I'm pretty sure they're out in the woods again tonight. Now if for those who don't know about the satanic panic, it was never real. There was never anything. Nope. Nothing at all. And yet people were terrified for like 20 solid years

of these underground baby eating cults. Wait, I saw the crow. None of this. I'm pretty sure that's a documentary of what happened to Detroit. Some of it with their little piles of cocaine that big. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's like in the 80s, everyone forgot that occasionally crazy people, kill people. Uh-huh. And you can't just keep saying and then what happened to victims of child abuse. That's the, that's the satanic pan.

Exactly, exactly. Now, I, and look, this was on official levels. I was warned about Satanists at school multiple times, both by teachers and by like specialists that were brought in for assemblies that tell to warn us of the danger signs of Satanists. Oh, the entire country was afraid to look under the bed for 20 fucking years over God, damn imaginary boogie man. And meantime, by the way, the God damn churches that were promoting this were raping all the kids. Yeah.

Now we know that all the who's doing the raping? The Catholic church was doing. They made an Oscar nominated winning movie about. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Who was doing that? We figured it out. Who was doing the raping? It's so.

It's titled. He'd tweet him, tweet him. He's on Twitter right now. I'm sure. Doesn't really matter when you're listening to this. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? I got a couple of things actually. I'm going to say best worst. The movie is a glossary.

I can't stress this enough. We watched a motion picture of a glossary made by an adult with a second grade reading. A whole thing's like 75 minutes an hour is literal text. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Also best worst ignoring swastikus. Yeah, two different times. They show swastik in this movie. And the person talking is like, that's a 666 mark of the beast. And next to that is, two, three.

Did the audience go away? Did they go? Yeah. Ducks under the frame. Spoke bomb, like it was ridiculous. Yeah, like you got to be worried about this symbol here. This is some kind of plus sign with some kind of psorias. As I don't know.

And then this sign over here, that's also satanic. Yeah. Chinese star. Parachute. I was just going to give it best worst sweater. And I think about how many different sweaters I could be talking about the guy who made this movie had a collection of, oh, you got me a sweater sweaters. And he showed us, she showed us all of them. You had a walk in closet of loud as posky sweaters. And he's like, I am using these.

I want a postmodern college student wearing a black turtleneck to argue with me about how his sweaters are on purpose. That's what I want. I have to, I want to go with a best worst source of information. Oh yeah. We're going to get to who one of the people who educates you in this movie is. So I'm not going to spoil that now, but just We're in for a ride Secondly best worst music for the moment

Examining these dead body of a sacrifice victim Oh, I also I want to throw out one more best worst, which is best. No, you know what, this is not even a best worst. This is just best, best closing moment. Stick around it all the way to the end. The last line before the final scene of this movie is the greatest moment in the history of God awful movies. It's the reason we do this show.

If there had been no point to it up to the first hundred and eight episodes, it would all be worthwhile for the closing minutes of this episode. Oh my God, I loved it so much. All right. Well, on the other side of this interstitial break is vital, life saving information that could save your baby from murder rapes. So we promised to keep it quick. And when we come back, we'll dive headfirst into the national insanity that inspired the law enforcement guide to say, Tannik cults. Oh, all right. So what I'm thinking, Eli, when Heath gets here, like during the C segment, especially, you are ready to record, but just Heath. What are you wearing? Oh, this just, you know, getting comfy. It seems that you have bungee corded yourself to your Casper mattress. Yep.

Okay, I'll be the one. Why? Why did you bungee cord yourself to your Casper mattress? It's just too comfortable to give up and bros. It's the best. Heath, look, I mean, I know your Casper mattress. It's just too comfortable to give up, Ambrose. It's the best. Heath, look, I mean, I know the Casper is an obsessively engineered mattress that is shockingly fair price. And ever since you got your Casper mattress, you've had a better night's sleep. But there's, I'm sorry, Noah, a better night's sleep. No, the best night's sleep. The product design features a marriage between foam layers for ideal firmness, just the right

sink and just the right bounce. And since I opened mine, I've slept better, longer and healthier. I mean, definitely longer. That's pretty pretty. I need my 22 hours. Look, he, he, you know this. We actually have an ad for Casper on this week's show, but if you have a Casper mattress attached to you, we won't be able to tell the folks at home about Casper's affordable

price because Casper sells direct to its consumers. The free shipping and returns to the US and Canada, the 100 night free trial, the no hassle returns. If you're not happy and the over 20,000 reviews in an average of 4.8 stars, it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress based on Casper Amazon and Google reviews. Plus, it's designed, developed, and assembled in the USA. I know.

Okay. Well, only if I can get to tell the folks how they can try their Casper mattress, then yeah, absolutely dude. They even get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting Casper.com slash awful and using promo code awful. Let check out terms and conditions apply. That's Casper.com slash awful and using the promo code awful at checkout, you say, all right?

Let's do it. And you're going to want to put on some clothes. No deal. Not a deal. Zero votes. Come forth, Baffo May. Who calls me? We the podcasters of God awful movies call upon you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, there's my bad for me. Look at it. Sorry. Sorry. It's just you have boobies. You know, you know, you have boobies, right? But boobies.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be honest. Goat God with a woman's breasts and angels wings and a candle between his horns sounds bad out. But now that I see it, you just, you just have boob. I mean, you know, around that also is, uh, is it hot? What?

The candle. Is it hot? Oh, have that. Yeah. Yeah. And also, do you like, have that? Yeah, yeah. And also, do you like, do you have to light it or is it just magic and you can like flick it on? No, I light it, but um... Well, now I feel super self-conscious.

Ah, buffemay, don't, don't. Be cool. No, like, I'm all out of it now. Do you guys have like a t-shirt I could throw on or something? Oh, yeah, no, of course you go buddy. All right, watch it. We're really sorry. It's really sorry. It's fine. It's fine. Oh over the over the horn. What? What? Yeah, watch the candle. It's fine.

No, I get it. I get it. What is this a small? It's a medium. Right. Me to eat a few little souls, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, we were uh. Right, sorry. What do you ask of Baffle, man? Eat a few less souls I guess yeah, yeah, so anyway we were

Sorry, what do you ask of baffle man? See his name is wearing your dinosaur shirt. I can't do heath You know what you know what never mind. I don't care about the circle or the pentagram You guys are assholes. I'm out of here baff me. It's just he's Heath now how are we gonna seal Thomas Smith's butthole shot, huh? I had to do this whole thing Glue I want to say glue And we're back for the breakdown and if you went into this movie like I did unsure of whether or not you would love it. The opening title card will dispose any of those lingering doubts that you might have had.

Basically, it starts off saying, so you got this to hear out of the gun video catalog, huh? Hey, if this tape was broken, let us know. Yeah. All right. The dislovers literally like, look, we get it. We fuck up a lot. Just let us know. Yeah. All right. The disciperers literally like, look, we get it. We fuck up a lot. Just, just let us know.

We'll make it right. If you're buying things from gun video catalogs, it's time to reexamine your choices. Like, what do you, and if you're selling something and it, it appears next to like perfect for gaths who get bullied, like also a bad sign. That's a product that's next to your product. Also, if you're doing a movie and your soundtrack is somebody's kid with a Casio, maybe want to reexamine as well while we're reexamining. It's like someone tried to make church bells appealing to the disco generation.

Also, I love the disclaimer after the, I'm sure this is probably broken disclaimer. They have one that says this is gonna be some pretty graphic shit You all there's gonna be a penis There will be a surprise dick. You're ready. Yeah, I could give you the minute and the second Where do you guys think the dick's gonna be we're not gonna tell you we're not gonna tell you it's gonna be somewhere I already told you the end was gonna be great. That's all I'm saying now. I'm throwing you off the chair No one ever turns it and when we do this now. I'm throwing you off the chair. No one ever turns in when we do this show. I don't mean in the time to mention either.

They'll call us stationery. All right. So we're going to start off meeting Gordon culture. I said, I had in my notes, imagine a hamster, but as a middle-aged man in a grandma sweater and you're there. I have him as Wallace Sean's racist dad and he looks like Wilford Brimley is here to talk to you about where exactly think you're going, young lady. And kind of like all those NFL coaches

to get like Andy Reed got deflated and all the other one like Mike, Mike, Mike, and Greg and like just to compose them all them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Kind of like the jump to conclusions map guy also, but like, okay, yeah, little atkins.

Smells like pee. All right, so in he's he's half cop half faster this guy. It's like a superhero but the opposite. And he's here to tell us about the dangers of satanic cults. You see in his words, this is a learning and educational tape.

And I cannot emphasize enough how much you should watch this movie. You really should. I know not everyone watched the movie with us. You listen to your podcast, you work at a factory, whatever you do. But you need to take, you need to quit your job. I need to watch this movie every day, all, for the rest of your life, because then you will understand the insane way this person talks. This person talks like I type, punctuation need not apply.

He's like someone took all the beats from a Christopher walkin' impersonation, but just He used to train the boys in the satanic occultism. Add is good. And that which is good is bad. I was like, man, this is a bad robot. The whole of presidents has really gone downhill. Yeah. And he seems confused about how this works. Is it really like opposite day, the religion is that how state is a worse? Like, what about that rule?

Isn't that rule part of Satanic? Regular day. God damn it. Yeah. I was sure he was just going to keep listening opposites. So we'd get it. Yeah. He sounded like it was like a sophisticated concept is what he felt like he just learned about opposites in his night school kindergarten. And like that's what he was. us. Right. No, I was expecting a few doctor of sus versus here in the citation. And I love to. Okay. So if you get past the fact that he's saying Satanism is opposite day of Christianity, he also like throws in he's like, you know, and many crimes are unsolved. Could be safe. So they were, they were probably safe. Yes. Yeah. Even says at one point, he's like, now we don't have a lot of evidence. And that must, I'm the evidence is really hard to find.

They hide it really well. Those Satanists, that's the pastor side of the cops last night. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And the other side of the pastor side of it, he goes, Satanic cults, they're protected by the Constitution, you know, freedom from religion. And you know, I agree, just to be clear, the police should not be allowed to investigate pastors. I'm just saying, no reason. I just want to make sure that's locked.

That part is okay. Well, and there is a, there is a real theme in this movie of religions. We don't like our legal and that's the problem, right? Because like we come back to that over and over again. And again, like this is something that like my father, so as a police chief had to deal with, reminding his cops, no, no, you can't just arrest people for wearing nose rings. That's, you know, being even if they're in a satanic circle, chanting to Baffa, may,

you're not allowed to arrest them for that. Yeah. So, uh, so then we, we, we start to discuss like the what are satanic cults portion of the show. And, and we're treated to a bizarre series of visual representations as we answer this question. And man are none of them satanic cults.

No, we got a puppet eating a girl, a Japanese woodblock print, a hard rock music cover. There's a Native American bear owl. All right, I have very weird similar type notes for the first beginning. I have an old Russian woman eating a doll, porn from the wall of Eli's favorite sushi place, Skeletor. Good show. Good show. And lemur faced Antelope deer. I think he was trying to draw stuff from revelation. Yeah, that's what happens when you're kind of a five year old. Lemur faced Antelope deer. It's the newest character in our blue Apernaz look out for it. He's trying to draw the scorpion horse locus, but he's an idiot.

Okay. Yeah. So and while we're looking at all of this, the guy is going like, you know, we even have evidence that this is an exact quote, some sorts of rituals might be taking place. The entire fucking country freaked out for decades over that level of evidence, right? We have some evidence that some sorts of rituals may be taking place. And then he says, also, and this is very important, he says, Satanism comes with unlimited drugs and deviant sexual behavior. Does it? Unlimited? No. And see, now, like I was like 16 when this shit was in its sort of in its peak. Why the fuck do you think I got into this stuff? Right? I was promised unlimited drugs and deviant sexual behavior. The drugs were limited.

It was limited. Very limited. Mostly just what I ended up bringing. And then the book cover of the book, cults that kill appears on the screen. Yeah, it's part of the evidence. Yes. on the screen. Yeah, it's part of the evidence. Yes. If, if I may, I would like to read you the obviously, obviously self-written bio of the author of Calls that Kill as it appears on Amazon.com, the website. Oh, please. All of this is 100% real and you can find another website. It's funny. Amazing. I am what some people might call a successful offer. Some me, some really. So I have a claim. Hello.

I am an author. I have published more than 15 nonfiction books under my name. More than 15. And as a ghost writer, I'm also a journalist and a writer. So if you count them, it's not going to come to over 15, but I've done a lot. Several of my books have won awards and made me semi famous. I've been, it's like me describing a podcast. It's really, I've been on NPR, C

Span, CNN, USA Today. He's been on, USA Today, CBS evening news, just evening news, just evening news. I was, I was on C Span. What is that even mean? Fox TV news, Bloomberg business news, voice of America, and my articles have been published by the Washington Post, LA Times and others. I don't like to brag, well, a little maybe, so you can see my books and my full bio at my website, canner.com. I beat out all my cousins for the domain name. And they're pretty proud of that.

Check. It's over. The show is over. No, the podcast should be over. We should have kept the recording up. And everyone been like, I get it. They peaked. Okay. He goes on. I'm also a licensed private investigator, which is pretty much like being a reporter, except to get to show people your cool ID issued by the state government. After my, yes, yes. After making my living as a nonfiction writer and author for many decades, I've turned to fiction, taking what I've learned about writing real stories to writing fake stories.

No snickers, please. I write a blog. He was way late on that. That's not fair to ask me now. I write a blog titled the nonfiction novelist and it's designed to help nonfiction writers like me to become novelists. It's a different ballgame for sure, but many of the same habits, thought processes and lessons are transferable. Wow.

He's got over zero blogs. That's exciting for him. They don't just let anyone have a blog. You just got one. No, no, no, no, you just get one. Yeah. My first, this is all his bio. My first thriller, USA Inc. has just been published in ebook and paperback by Bay City publishers. Here's the cut line. What if the US were run

like a corporation and a madman was in charge? Pretty provocative, I'd say I highly recommend you. He highly recommends his own provided. His own book through the years. Many people have asked me what it's like to be a writer. For me, it's been a great job in career. I wouldn't want to do anything else. Unfortunately, I also tell them what they don't want to hear. It's hard work. And unless you have luck in perseverance, it's difficult to make a living at it. Talent? Yes,

that helps. That would make this bio a lot shorter. But good writing can be learned if you're willing to make the effort, have thick skin about criticism and take it seriously as your life's work. Good to know. You know, he's got thick skin. He might be listening. could you know, he's got to take skin. He might be listening. If you want to write as a hobby or for fun, that's cool too. But too many folks tell me how frustrating it is for them. How they'd rather do anything else than right. And I always respond, maybe you've got something there. That is the end of his bio. I bet he sucks at Twitter. I bet he's like one of those one of 12 people on Twitter. Oh my God, it made me so happy. I was literally out of breath. I saw you copied like nine paragraphs into the notes. I was like, what the fuck is going to start reading it? I'm like, oh,

I'll wait. I'll wait. I'll let Eli reveal this one to me. So yeah, so but look, but here's the thing, the guy who that guy wrote the book that caused the movie that we're watching, right? Like that was one of the authors that they were using to back up all the facts of this movie. Anyway, yeah. And also can we talk about because we left off on unlimited drugs and deviant sexual behavior, but we haven't really, they really dig into the abnormal sexual behavior of Satanists. Yeah. He comes back to him to take a moment to be like, look, when it comes to six stuff, you got to remember, they're a bunch of weirdos.

They're all, that's why they're doing this is their weirdos, which by the way is wink, wink, nudge, nudge for gaze. Yeah. They say it several times, but what they mean is gay. Yep. They don't mean, and well, they say that directly a couple of times. Yeah. Yeah.

But when they're like a deviance, they actually don't mean like whips and chains and jamba-ne-rams. They mean, yes. They just mean that. Yeah. Well, when he says abnormal sexual behavior, the backdrops are first a lady getting eaten out by a decapitated goat, and then a person tied up and getting spanked with a riding crop. Those are equivalent. Those two things are equally abnormal. I also love

the line where he's talking about how like men are afraid for their women folk. Ladies are afraid for their vaginas. This is 1994. It's literally men worry about their wives and mothers and daughters, women worry about them. Hey, just women, yep, yep. And the final photo, final picture we get of Satanism is a wizard summoning a little person in black.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that again, all of his images for a cult are things like people summoning tokaloche and gestures outfits and Greek gods eating kings. This is not how it works at all. Those are just creepy pictures you found. And by the way, just throughout this whole movie, but especially in this scene, they're trying to make religion and cult be different, but just horribly failing. They kept being like, you know, cults are, they're

like religion, but the beliefs they can lead to violence. Wait, wait, okay, they can lead to sexual abuse of chill shit. Okay. Okay. Keep rolling, but they're different. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Yeah, you know, there is a a definitional difference between cult and religion, but it's so narrow that religious people don't want to admit what it is. So, so instead of learning that, we're going to turn to the three levels of satanism and the boss villains at the end of each of them, I guess. Yeah. I just wrote my notes. Happy birthday. No. So yeah. So apparently, if you're a police officer and you're worried about satanism, you have to distinguish the various levels of satanism. Level one, and we'll use this term a lot, the dabblers, right?

They're just in it for fun and games. They might though be involved in, in his words, video games and graffiti. So, you know, some real shit, some real shit. What the fuck do those two things have in common with one? Like imagine that that was just a thing that you had on like the SATs. Video games are to graffiti as Satanism is to blank. Damn it. Stupid Skype.

Yeah. And again, I want to put it. This was not made in like the early days of Atari or anything. This is the year PlayStation debut. This is 1994. Everyone was involved in video games at this point. Mm hmm. Now that's level one though. Apparently we don't have to worry too much about them. But then you have level two, which is spiritual involvement. And these people are like just doing it for the power they get from it. And he doesn't go like, and look, obviously it's fake. He's like, what? Doing it because it makes them 10 times stronger than a normal man.

And I get that. But that's no good. You can't just be using your super strength and your invisibility powers that Satan gives that all the money. I think you know, if it came out eventually that the entire satanic panic was a PR stunt by like Lulan books or one of these occult book publishers or something, I would believe that. It would be a great idea. Yeah. I mean, it would have saved me a lot of money and time.

Well, again, yeah, right, because that's I was growing up around this. I was growing up around that. Yeah. Well, you know, there's the secret groups of people with unlimited drugs and deviant sex that'll give you superpowers look out for them. And I'm like, yeah, okay. I'll be on the lookout for not hang out with those people. Yeah, who would want superpowers, which is how 25 year old Eli ended up in Home Depot looking moreable tiles that he could cast Jew magic spells with. Story. Don't talk about it. I could not. No, it turns out I'm back.

So but that was Eli was only a level two Satanist when he was trying to do that Jew magic. You really have to look out for his level three, which is criminal involvement. These are people who do illegal stuff. But he just says the same thing as he said for level three. Yes, he does. He's like level two with spiritual involvement, level three spiritual and fuck, uh, Ibbid or sit, feel sick yet to have three or something. I don't know.

It, it, it, it's also that, but crimes. Yeah, well, wait, but see, the thing is just that it just sort of underscored the point. He was making it at this point. He's like, they gain power by killing people moving on. So and now it's time to meet one of my favorite. He was, this guy is up with this. This purple. Oh my god. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready. All right. So we're going to meet Eric prior who's going to tell us about ritual sites. He is a former satanic high priest turned Christian and current wacky foolish it drunken violent delusional psychopathic idiot wearing a Davy Crockett hat as a mullet. And that by the way, that means he's a low priest. I'm pretty sure. So. Yeah, no, it's opposite day. It's a mechanism. Yeah. Right. But he's got a power, Mullet. That's for sure. Yeah. Now you absolutely listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Very carefully podcast listener. I don't ask a lot for me. Okay. I don't ask a lot. Except that you occasionally visit my blog, but I only ask you to look up Eric prior, because

I could spend the rest of this episode telling you Eric Rajdroy. But here is the super short, please, please look him up. He's the most amazing human in the world. This is the super short version of Eric Pryor's life story. So he, there is a Christian who is doing a big pray off in California. He's like, oh, Uga Boga Boga. I hope no homosexual show up. And who shows up there?

Prior, who nobody's ever heard of. And he's like, I am the head of all the witches. And I will put a curse on you. And he's like, what? A real Satanist head of witches guy. That's crazy. If only he and I could talk. So they talk and surprise,

Eric prior becomes a Christian. Yes, he does. He was surprised. And I get paid by that guy's church for like the next 10 years. Yeah, he only gets a couple thousand dollars a month for it. And all the money he gets preaching and maybe gets to live on a private golf course. It's fucking, I can't get back. So he turns out, hey, guess what? He was never a high satanist. They actually

did research in this in 1991. There was like a TV special about him where fucking Diane Sawyer was like, I think this guy's full of shit. Yeah, watch it. Cause it's on YouTube, but he's never Satanist. Satanist never had any idea what he was talking about. And it turned out when you asked him questions about Satanism, he would just make stuff up. He'd be like, well, Satanists love the color blue. Are you just saying that?

Cause I am standing in front of a blue background. And they love Diane Sawyer. So, so then he's like, you know what, you guys, I'm going to start a Satanist cult. So he buys a house, a mansion with 28 rooms that he said belong to the actress who played the witch in bewitched. It did not. Um, no, but that was that that was where he went to lie to give his house like which credibility is so amazing all by itself. Yeah, the actress from be wedged.

Yeah, and he tries to start a cult and it doesn't work. And he runs out of money. And so then it goes back to be a Christian. He's like, Hey, everybody, I'm a Christian. And I know that I've spent my entire public life telling you that I was like a satanist on the streets of New York But actually I was Andy Warhol's assistant and I invented the term Byzantine postmodern art and everyone's like no You didn't Eric prior

And then he gets hit by a truck walking across the street and dies that This is the end of his story. Yeah, that is Eric prior in a fucking nutshell. And again, that's the just bullet point thing. Oh, wait, you have to, you have to read these articles about him because they're, they're a crazier than I could ever imagine. We're going to do an episode of citation needed about him as soon as I can. But until then, he's the greatest human of all time. And he looks like Vigo the Carpathians gear book photo. Yes. Billy Ray Cyrus would have him tone down that mullet. Um, but again, that's the guy who's going to be like, that's the primary information

guy for this. And if you know anything at all about occultism as you watch him, it like it is so painfully obviously is just making shit up as he goes and half remembering words and whatnot. It's, it's awesome. So he's here again to tell us all about ritual sites. So as cops, we can go and figure out where the Satanist are and what they're trying to magically do. So we go into this little park.

And before we even get in the park, he says he's like, now there's two types of people that use this here park. It's Satanist and homosexuals. Those two groups are very much linked. You'd be surprised how well linked those two groups are. I mean, I know how their link touches. I just don't know how well. And then have genuine centipede in the moment that made me laugh harder than any other. The camera pen, they're walking into the spark.

The camera pans up and there is a freshly sprayed pentacle on a tree. A foot in front of him and he goes, oh, what a surprise. A giant pentacle. But I didn't see you here. Right there in the center of the frame. Steam coming off of it. Like a big metal plate got taken off. That's ridiculous. I want to make a bit of a pedantic correction. That is not a pentacle. It is a pentagram. A pentacle is a disc shaped object with a pentagram on it that's used in wicked ritual practice.

Just a quick example of how bad he is at this. He doesn't even know what like the main symbol is called. Anyway, not just that, but whoever he told the spray it there did it upside down because he goes, oh, look, here is a giant pentagon, but it's not Satanist because it's upside down. Steve Steve. Oh, yeah. Maybe this one isn't Satananic Steve. But luckily, as he's saying that Steve is standing just off camera, straight painting another tree. Maybe it's a double satin cult. So it becomes down and then up and then down again. I don't know. He literally

pivots the camera. And he's, oh, here's one that is drawn right. Steve. And he touches the paint, which is wet. And he goes, it's fresh. Steve can tell Steve drew it like fucking six seconds ago. Yeah, that sounds spring paint works. Definitely thought he was going to lick it. It was really weird. He's like, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right.

I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. I'm sure you're right. This is where they come across satanic hopscotch. This is the voodoo BB.

Voodoo VD. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which again, it's just a symbol that he sees where that his buddy has drawn. He's like, well, you can see here Steve kind of fucked up the curls right here.

He's supposed to go the other way. And this particular satanic graffiti is drawn inside walk chalk. Yeah. No, those satanic kindergarteners. Yeah. And so, but this is all luring us up to where the main satanism goes down. And as he's doing this, I'm thinking, because again, like I know a bit about this stuff, I know that most of the shit he's saying is either wrong or he only half understands it. So I'm picturing like somebody walking up to Eli, just like, oh, you must be one of them tear tour guides.

Here's a thousand dollars. Show me the history of New York. You know, yeah, here's the cat building. We can't go in. Stop asking if we know what this is. No refunds. Well, this is where he comes across the mushroom. Pay the graffiti. Oh, God. And he's like, see, see this? They draw shrooms where they do shrooms. It's fucking you. You could not,

this was an improv scene. It would be the most brilliant comedy ever created. Oh my God. Yes. Oh, we need to remake this. We need to just read the remake, Satanic refer madness as a musical. That's what we need to do. We should remake this as a video, but where we just like accidentally keep catching Steve

drawing the same old. There's a man I said I was going to be here in 10 minutes. So yeah, but no, his explanation, they come across a spray painted mushroom and his analysis is how could you possibly paint a mushroom if you weren't satanically imbibing them to commune with the devil, right? Yeah. So this must be one of them Satan s for sure. There's also this amazing moment right next to it. There's a six six six six.

And he points to that. You see the six six six. That's obviously pretty satanic. And right next to the six six six is a swastika. And he's like, and that's about it. That's all. Yeah. Moving on. Oh, well, and there's some Mel's all. That's all. Yeah. I'm moving on. Moving. Oh, well, and, oh, there's something else interesting here. A mushroom. Yeah. Exactly. There's a tannic gay Nazi gang. No, this is gay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And now we're wandering around the Satan site looking for clues. If this man was carrying an oversized magnifying glass and smoking a pipe, this scene would be no more silly.

Yep. Uh, if he just took things out of his own pocket and then pretended to pick it up. Or just picked up something that wasn't there. Oh, look, imagine this is a shoe. Yeah. No, he goes like, Oh, look, imagine this is a shoe. Yeah. No, he goes, you're like, oh, look, here's a piece of rope. That's definitely Satan rope. It's a bloody noose.

Is that why do you dark colors? I'm not kidding. I nailed it. Yeah, this could have been used to bind someone for a satanic ritual or to masturbate like Eli was talking about or to sacrifice an animal could have been any number or it could have just been a piece of rope. That's the kind of thing you find in an empty lot sometimes.

God off of movies is not advocate. Autorotic fix the. He full grown it's everything I say is a joke. I am a joke humor. Yeah, Thank you. Also, he also finds a medicine bottle Which you know that's Satan It's a silicate bottle. Yeah, lidocaine. It's it's fucking lidocaine. It's the anesthetic that dentists use Also for numbing animals and humans to sacrifice them without screaming. That is the only explanation.

There's no other, he sees like an empty bottle of jamison, like somebody probably removed all his own teeth with this with colors. There's no other way to explain that. That's a satanic thing. They take pliers and take all their teeth out, but they drink, they drink whiskey. And that's the only people who ever drink whiskey in a park. Also, just to give you an idea of how just making shit up this guy is, he sees a lidocaine and he says, now this a lot of people don't know, this is his word, a numment.

This is a numment. Something used to numb. There's a term for that. It's anesthetic, but my eighth favorite fact of all time, I wanted to make sure, you know, I didn't want to like, fuck this up. So I googled, define numment and Google said, do you mean define num nuts? That actually happened.

So I was quite happy about that. But yes, so as we're walking around like looking for more clues, he also finds a spray painted number nine. And that's pretty yummy, evil on account of those Satanic statements, which that's his brilliant segue that the movie's brilliant segue. Oh, here's the number nine. Let's talk about the nine Satanic statements. How fortunate that that graffiti was there, Steve. Steve. Maybe it was a flipped over six. I don't know. It's opposite day. Maybe it's something else. Yeah. Yeah.

So they go through the nine satanic statements and I'm not going to go, I've got them all written out here. I'm not going to go through all of them. They're stupid. This is just Anton Leve was some Jack Assydeat guy who wrote a book that was called the satanic Bible and he tried to come up with nine like evil sounding things that were still defensible and he ran out of shit at like six or whatever. Just trying to make it up shit at the end.

It's actually nine though is hilarious. Yeah, nine is good. Nine is the one is Satan has been the best friend of the church as he has kept it in business all of these years. And he's like, you see, you see that's one of their tendons. Yeah. It's like Batman and the Joker both need each other. Both terrible for society. Yeah. It's like Batman and the Joker, both need each other. Both terrible for society.

Yeah. It's important. Yeah. I enjoyed number six also. Number six was Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires. I don't. So I mean, confusing, but I guess if I'm picking between those two things, yeah, fucking first one, whatever.

I feel like Muhammad or Joe Smith wrote that one. Yeah. So yeah. So and by the way, the movie pauses long in us in case we want to write these down, unless we have in case we need time to pause our VHS tape and write these down. Like the teacher being like, when I talk in italics, it might be on the test. Idiots. Stupid kids.

Number three tomorrow, stupid kids, you're failing. So yeah, so then we get a little more satanic graffiti. And then we get the like, let's explore what we just learned, seen where this turns into Satanism blues clues. Yeah. what we just learned, seen where this turns into the Satanism blues clues. Yeah. Yeah. You know, they show the map of the fucking park and they're going like, what did we find?

We saw a pentacle. No, you saw a pentacle. We saw an upside down cross. We saw a rope and some lighter cane. It's like door of the satanic explorer. Yeah, exactly. Blues clues. Blues clues.

Yeah. Blues clues clues. Yeah. That's what you met. Yeah. So reds and whites and blacks clues. I was just no puns there. Um, so, okay. So now we go back to hamster man, who points out that he's standing in front of San Francisco, which is just crawling with gay devil worshipers or just gay people. Well, same thing. I mean, yeah. I mean, one place is like, this is where Anton Neve started the first church of Satan and had the satanic Bible and the satanic rituals available on Amazon. Oh wait, no, is that almost like someone wanted to sell fear? I would never do that. What a terrible.

So yeah, and he's here to teach us the three basic areas of satanic attraction. After all, now that we know what Satanism is, why would anyone want to get into it? Well, there's three reasons. Gratification of the flesh, gratification of the ego, and grit power. Yeah, Satanism, it's all about the fleshlight. It's interesting. I like the fleshlight. Let me get into that. I feel like a fleshlight does not help your ego. I don't think you're using it right? Look at me go. I don't think you're using it right, buddy. No, but it gives you power. It does give you power.

I think the day you press purchase and go to cart and arrange for shipping of rubber shaped like a sec here is butthole. It doesn't help your ego. I'm going to, I'm going to disagree with you here on air. I'm going to, I'm going to push back on that, Eli. I got going to, I'm going to push back on that. He like, I got a three pack. I got a three pack. It was mouth, ass and vagina. I thought really good about myself. And I got a nice price. Yeah. Happy birthday. Does not push back. So we also learn it. And by the way, this is actually, this is all on topic because this is the appeal of Satanism. You're not allowed to have Assyc here, a butthole flesh lights if you're a Christian

and that's why they're Satan. So that's really the point he was making in a much less entertaining way. So now it's time to learn about Satanist initiation practices. And every time I say now it's about, it's time to learn, that's because a backdrop has just come up of the brick wall saying that was about, it's time to learn, that's because a backdrop has just come up of the brick wall saying satanic initiation. So anyway, basically it's like Christian, everything's like Christianity except backwards, right? So satanic initiation would be like a baptism, except they suddenly make you really dry. They pull you out of water. They hold what, how do you believe that? They hold you under one of those hand-triers of the bathroom. Yeah. And this is the part of the movie that I call

that escalated quickly. Yeah. Oh, shit. This will be like denying Christ, saying the Lord's Prayer backwards, raping a child. That's really very powerful. burning a Bible. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Those are the steps in the initiation. You reject Jesus and you say a prayer and you have pledged

allegiance to Satan and then you murder children. Right. You promised to murder children and get the mark of the beast. Also that's probably what you're sharing. I promised to murder kids. Let me get that fucking sweet S tattoo. Yeah. I want to finish step four. I don't want to half of it. I murdered the kid tattoo. Yeah. You also, you also get a new name. It's like superpowers or podcasting in that way. And then he goes, not all podcast. And then he goes, well, you know, not all satanic people commit crimes. Some of the behavior is harmless like cruelty to animals. I'm like, I'm sorry. Are those, when do you get to the hopeful? Yeah. No. Okay. So what

are you saying here? Is he's like, again, you know, you can't just arrest him for wearing nose rings. So you have to wait up, wait for him to do satanic type criminal stuff, which is all the crimes he could think of. Right. I'm surprised that like he money laundering wasn't on there. Yeah. For instance, he goes sexual trafficking of children, corpse theft. I felt attacked. And pornography. Yeah, and pornography. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, so if it basically like he's saying like, yeah, so if you find out that somebody's kidnapping children, invest a lot of resources, see it if they're Satanism involved in that. That's where the police resources should be. And the other thing is he's constantly trying to combine stuff that just fucking kids do with real crimes. Like he's like illegal entry into san mataries and necrophilia. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. So the weird combo, playing ring and run and raping the entire family when they come from the front door, standard combo of crimes. Just almost every time in the video games. Yeah, exactly. It's just fucking great because what they what he wants here is for you to like find some teenagers in a graveyard and be like, what, you're going to dig up and fuck some corpses

right? Come on. It's a cramp key. That's a crap game. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, but but also but what it reads like is, you know, him going like, and by the way, if you've got a problem in your town with murder, mass murder or cannibalism, that could be a problem. You're going to probably want to look into that.

Right. He says you need to know it in your reporting. And I was like, yeah, know that in your reporting if anyone's in that field. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. If you witness cannibalism, try not to leave that out. It might be an important detail. So yeah, yeah, exactly.

If there's an uptick in Necrophilia and selling children in the sexual slavery, probably because Satanism. And there's also this amazing moment right at the end of this scene where he's, he's explaining all these things. He's listening at Ed, somebody walks past behind him in the shot. They look right into the camera with like complete loathing. They clearly heard him ranting like fucking loathing and then he's like, stare right at him. The fuck are you guys doing? Yeah. All right. So now let's move on. We got to get back to power mullet here and he's going to teach us all about the tools of satanism.

Now, this is probably way fucking funnier to me than it was to anyone else who watched it because I actually knew like the right answers to the questions he was being asked here. And this would be like me pointing to the microphone and going, this is a sound that you see right here. This machine with the knobs over here is a dumble, Floor. It's used to straighten your hair. You know, yeah. But he's going to tell us the difference between voodoo tools, satanic tools and wicking tools. All right. Right. Why? Why?

Well, cops are going to need to know the subtle differences between three made up nonsense things like how? So been a murder, but we need to make sure it wasn't just a normal voodoo murder. We know. Yeah, exactly. And also like, can you imagine a cop armed with this information like beaded necklaces are a sign that you're sacrificing humans to the devil. Oh, are we going to talk about that necklace?

Can we talk about the second creator's friendship race? Yes, he reveals. And the sign of voodoo eats a few fruit loops during the Sagumundi. So. Also candles, if you see candles in a crime site, probably Satanist right there, oils. Yeah. Also colors. He goes, voodoo is colorful. So police, you know, look for things on the visible light spectrum when you're out investigating. This is useful.

This video. He's like, and he's got these like evil. He's like, look, this is a voodoo doll. And this is the blood of a chicken and a silver bowl that can speak to you in the voices of the dead. But you're going to want to look for beads shells or a pig. Yeah. Right. Candle holders. That's pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

The best part is at one point, he's got one of the Catholic like patron saint candles. Yeah. The weird old lady sell on the streets of my neighborhood. And he's like, now this is a patron saint candle. And you can tell it's voodoo candle. Because it's got a patron saint on the front and a cap prayer on the back. So his spandex is Satanist.

That's how you know it's a voodoo. Somebody's doing the raping. It's somebody. But also who's like you walk into a crime scene and you see, let's ignoring the crime. You see an alter upon that as a skull, a couple of candles and two knives and a bell. Do you really need to know what the bell is for? I assume they use this bell as some kind of, I have no idea. I have no idea.

I don't know. I don't know. We can't figure it out. We used the bell though. He rings it. It's the best. He likes to show us what a bell does. I know how this one works.

I've used one before. I'm legit Satanist. You ring it, you guys. You ring it. All right. On to the knife. Yeah. Well, and also just in case he got himself any credibility by knowing how to ring the bell, we go to witchcraft and he points to the cars and he goes, uh, which is used tarot cards. and he points to the cars and he goes, which is used tarot cards? Tarot, which rhymes with carrot, not a lot of people use. Yes, the carrot cards rhymed with carrot cards. Yeah, no, and he's like, oh, also, again,

he talks about the knife that the Wicens use, which is pronounced correctly pronounced Athemae and he calls it anothemi. And everybody mispronounces that. I don't expect him to get Athema and he calls it anothemi and everybody mispronounces that I don't expect him to get Athema right, but that is the dumbest sounding possible mispronunciation. Isn't it a Theemi anyway? Yeah, that's also wrong.

But again, like this is their expert, this is a guy who didn't even bother when he read Buckland's complete book of witchcraft to read the pronunciation note under athomate. Nope. It's like the world's most boring cooking show. It's like if someone stumbled onto the set of a cooking show, they've murdered Emerald backstage.

Now they're like, hey, I'm your host. Okay. I Kyle. I'm a real chef. So today we're going to be cooking up some ramen, ch- Challets, chillets, whatever you want. I think I think Keith feels attacked right now. So Yeah, right, but no, I had my notes.

This would be like a guy pointing to the periodic table of elements and saying now this one is cheese. That's an element. This one is the 10% of your brain that you use. Oh, so by the way, in this bit, there's actually a pentacle on the goddamn altar and he never mentions it. He never says this. Also, this is a pentacle. He's like, this is one of them circle star thingies. Yeah. Anyway, there's also a great moment where he's like, you'll also find powdered incense.

You can tell by sniffing it. So if you find powder in a crime scene officer, he wants to be a cop so bad. He's like picking up the powder with his knife and then that thing. Right. Right doing the ink pen thing. Yeah. It falls off. Got out. Sorry. Give me one second. Yeah. It's so slippery. I immediately took a screenshot of this scene and sent to my mom and was like, why didn't you let me know I was raised in witchcraft? I would point he's also, he's just, he has no idea what he's talking about. So he's just rambling. He's like, so this is salt that goes in the salt bowl.

This is water, which goes, there's a water bowl. And the incense does not have an incense bowl. That's it. That's it. That's it. It's called the censor. But yeah, yeah, exactly. And now we have, we take a minute for the true glossary portion of the movie, which is

going to start with a few cult symbols. To that, yeah, right, exactly to the plot on the road soundtrack. It's fucking amazing. Just like the inverted cross. It's six, six, six. I don't understand how any of this information, like, why does he even think it's going to be helpful? Like, the exact quote is, you know who you're going to be dealing with, how they think and where they'll be is the point. He thinks like, so like, found some red and white chalk, like go to the witch house and run a visual suspect. They'll be thinking about which stuff you get there. No, but all

of this. I know they'll be somewhere where salt is readily available. So that narrows it down. Yeah. At one point in this classroom, I just have to point it out. They, uh, they're doing all the things, uh, and they include anarchy, the symbol of Anarchy. Yes. And the swastika, right? The swastika comes on screen. I'm like, all right.

And then they go, this is a symbol of magic. Yep. Moving on. Yes. Moving on. Yes. Yes. Holy fucking shit. Yeah. And then so we get through the symbols and then it just actually goes into a glossary of selected terms. And again, none of these are new, right? Like no one's watching this and doesn't know what alter or anti Christ means. I did not know the second definition of alter if we're being honest. It's a table usually a flat rock or a naked woman who you show stuff

inside of a giant during a ritual. Again, you can see why I got into this religion. Yeah. Is that's a real thing? No. Because I'm picture like just like a satanic priest all frustrated, the naked ladies like that tickles. She's like filling his fucking incense all over this powder flying. No, I mean, there's candles. So no bell ring. The bell rang before I was supposed to bering. God's in. Seriously, stop moving. The worst alter. You know, it's almost like you don't want this cracker in your vatch. You not want the cracker in your vatch. Jesus. If I had a nickel, we also get an infertile. We get introduced to the Baffa May, the goat god with a woman's tits and a torch between his horns. Yeah, that's

a pretty good selling point. Honestly, Angel Wings also. Angelings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I feel like that's a, I've Googled that. They try to sneak in Jim Jones during this as well. They're like, Oh, lots of terrible cult leaders like Jim Jones, that famous Satanist Jim. Yeah, right. I love their definition for black mass, which is like the very worst. There's butt fucking and gayness, rapin' dead babies. You know, all the bad stuff.

And mockery of Christianity and the things that we really like. It's a weird list again. Rape Sodamy, Slotter of Unbaptized Babies. Mockery also. And again, like he doesn't know what a lot of these words mean. It's like they were just throwing them up

and he's the fucking bird at the beginning a little mermaid or whatever. Coven, I had a rogue satanist. They went rogue. I think I think I'm sorry. Yeah, right. And also, by the way, on the list, head, heart. They did the finals for us.

He's like head, important topi part of the body. It's right there. A neck area above and be eaten for magical powers. Yeah, right. We bring it up because Satanist eat brains out of them. Yeah. Heart. They'll eat that too.

Yeah, exactly. That's in the middle area. That's what all restaurants get have to watch video about. He's like that head. Get stay close. He'll get a chop out of that part. He'll eat that too. Keep bringing tasting courses. So yeah.

And but also we have to have like, you know, Lucifer and Satan and Biel's above all defined in this too. Just, you know, because you can't sell the video if it's under an hour. Are those not the same person? Lucifer and Satan is the same person and they did that. They were two different definitions in this really long glossary we're getting. Yeah, it was unfuck and real. And unfortunately for everyone, the next brick backdrop title card in the film reads, child

ritual and sexual abuse. And I know I'm going to need some time to prepare before we unleash Eli on that subject. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give let's call it act three, the hard sell word actual public resources devoted to this conspiracy theory bullshit. How can we as a nation pass judgment on the comment ping pong guy then? Will this movie contain autopsy photos of a severed testicle? Find out the answer to these questions and more. When we return for the bone chilling for all the wrong reasons, conclusion of the law enforcement guide to Satanic cults.

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That sounds great. But what are you doing like specifically here is what I'm asking you. Oh, just hanging out like the smell. Smell is rubbing alcohol. Yeah, that I like that. Mm, me too. Me too. Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

This has been a hell of a grand preparation. Let me tell you, say hi kid. How? Dude, finally, thank you. So what's your name, little girl? Lursal. Did you get the goats blood? Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I've had four kidnappings this week.

Seriously? And how old are you Lucy? Fuck. Dude, make a list or send me a fucking text or something. I've been up to my ass for a while. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a while. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, do this, this kid is six. They have to be seven to 25. We said that. What?

She said she was seven. I said my seventh birth, that was this year. What does that even mean? You're seven, but this is a nightmare. Well, it means that later this year is fine. It's fine. I'll go out and get some goats blood, a seven year old, and a witch's knife will get it going.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, don't forget to white and red candles. He's gonna forget the fucking candles. You guys want a party or not? And we're back for more of the shit and as is so infrequently said when the recorder is on it's time to talk about child ritual and sexual abuse. Oh you guys for my birthday.

Oh my god. Okay so my first I think I was a counselor at a camp. Maybe I was a camp. I'm moving on. Moving on. Moving on. So yeah, so this, now it's time to talk about the real dangers of Satanism. It's not all just graffiti and video games, folks. It's also raping children. And it's so creepy. He's just like raping kids is like the worst thing like these kids, for example, that

I'll show you. Imagine these little kids being sexually abused. They just roll up at a park. You might have we film your kids. It's for a thing. I gotta say, if Satanists are doing opposite day on Christianity, I feel like they're guarding little kids' assholes if anything. Right.

Yeah. No kidding. I love to this light. He goes like in every state in the nation, there are reports and investigations of satanic child abuse. Notice he does not say convictions or arrests. Nope. He sure reports. Yeah. And every state of the nation, there are reports of fucking big foot and aliens raping people in their sleep. Yeah. Reports of the climate staying the same too. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And now to prove how bad it is, we have someone who as a child was forced to lie about being attacked by Satanists. Oh, God, this is so uncomfortable. Yeah. So among the things that they described, as she describes her doing is having needles put in between her fingers and them dismembering bodies and hanging her upside down over a vat of acid.

I feel like I would have heard, I googled that of acid and I did not find any, they weren't like, oh, you mean the case of 1992? I feel like I would have heard about it. Did you mean Satanist bond villain? Loving it with a slow moving dipping device? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right, right, yeah, exactly. This woman explains a series of ways they'd try to kill James Bond, but no, it all really happened to her.

And again, like, look, this woman is probably mentally ill and then you put her in front of this investigator that's going, no, I've heard of exactly that kind of stuff happening and keep her talking. But again, she's blacked out. We don't have any identity here. And nothing like this has ever been discovered to have happened. I mean, no, I should say, well, you know, look, there are plenty of cases of completely fucked up people doing really, really fucked up shit to people and, you know, torturing children and shit like that. But as far as this, like, there's an organized ring of child abusers that, you know, rape

kids, etc. This is all the comment ping pong shit. None of this has ever been no evidence of any of that kind of shit has ever been discovered. And if you were like, Hey Eli, what religion were the secret group of people that raped and tortured children for their religion? I guess I'd have to say Christians, right? Hey, yeah. No, I should go back and amend my previous statement. Anyway, so yeah, this woman may or may not have been murdered by bears when she was a kid. And then she reads us a little poem.

Yeah, she's got a rhyming poem about her abuse at the hands of Satanists. That includes a rhyme with Helter's Skelter. Well, the words in there she was rhyming. A little girl, yeah, I don't even what, what rise with a scalter. But yeah, a little girl worked in Charles Manson reference. Yeah, I said, your poem. Yeah. Uh huh. Now, I will say though, that's the first time in this movie that it was ever legitimately wicking. Listen to a wacky woman making up stories and reading your poems. That is what it's like. Yeah. So for just a minute, you do get to learn from the inside. And again, how is this supposed to be helpful to cops?

Do they think like detectives are not investigating when kids come into school, like splattered with blood, with a poem about murdering babies, along with their parents that I'm before, like what? I don't get it. You see a poem like this about baby murder. It might get out people who murder babies. So how you doing today? Pretty good. Can I read your poems? Mommy kills the babies. I see. I guess that's why we watched that tape. Yeah, right, right. Well, but see now it goes

even deeper than that though, because the next scene explains all the symptoms of satanic ritual abuse. Now before we start making fun of these, I want to point out that mostly these are just the symbols of sexual abuse in children. Right, which is a terrible thing. And the only thing that I can think of that would make it worse is not letting those kids get help because you're too busy looking

for the ghosts that did it to them. Right, yes, exactly. Blaming on the boogie man is super productive. Yeah, all these parents couldn't possibly be molesting their own children, whatever. Yeah. But it also, there are points in here where they're listing the symptoms

and they list like exact opposite characteristics. Yeah. Right, there's one point where there's like the child of resist authority. The child is too compliant to authority. So the kid has to be exactly medium with authority or getting abused by a satanic cult. Exactly. Medium. He's just got a scale of one to 10.

How much do you submit to authority? Seven. And when was the last time you were raped by a warlock? Can I read you poem? Let me read you poem. Yeah, but also but there are also like signs of autism that they list on here or signs of just being a kid that they list on here. Yeah, some of them are things that I still have symptoms of. Yeah, right. Yeah, I make extreme masturbation and put your finger and your butter both on the list. Yeah, blood in your child's underwear. All right.

Maybe they had to pull it. I'm sorry. I'm a skeptic. Oh, God. That's what underwear is for. So you don't have to wash your pants. Hold it like I'm in the same queue. It's a bad example.

I had a feeling this scene was going to get uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So I, I, I'm pretty sure I murdered babies and got gang banged by witches because like, I had a lot of these guys to me. But again, like they're saying, like, you know, watch for these symptoms and some of them are like, your kid telling you that they were a victim of sexual abuse.

Like, I don't want to meet the parents who didn't know that until they watched this movie, right? You think that might be what she's saying? And I just want to put a specific quote. At one point, he says, if you stick a finger in a kid's ass, they relax instead of tensing up. That's a sign of how are they hoping the cops are using this information? How does he have this information? Well, I gotta say, it mentions in front of a few of them, like upon medical examination, don't you finger the kids,

but you have to have a doctor to do that, you know? Yeah, you felt the need to clarify, I guess. So now we move on to the all important question. This is what it's all really about. How can you tell if your kid is a Satanist? Oh, yeah. And for this, he's worn his very most visually stunning sweater. Oh, he really has.

And by the way, in case you're wondering what the signs of Satanism are, they're being a teenager. Yep. All of them. Rebellion against authority, disrespect to parents, self-righteousness, all the size that your kids are satanic. Yeah. Moodyness, lack of cleanliness, overeating, guess who's a satanist? Heath and right. Big old switcheroo. Drafts, changes in eating habits, Static changes in eating habits, a dad drastic changes in punctuality, pubic hair.

Yeah, they're all signs. Angel wings, boobies. Ha ha ha ha. Gotta get a candle. Yeah, so now we drag out old Kelly McGee. Now Kelly McGee, he is a probation officer and he looks exactly like you thought he was gonna look when you realized that I was talking about a man

named Kelly McGee. He looks like the plumber who never gets paid in money because he's an 80s porn all the time. He is wearing, he's the craziest human I think I've ever seen. And he is wearing a giant bright, bright purple sash. Yeah, the collar. Yeah, the collar on his coat. I thought his collar is about to have a ski race against a local kid. It is as though they were like, you know, we probably got a bunch of people down with that whole child rate thing. What is this? It's the silliest, most ridiculous human we could introduce at this point in the movie to get everyone laughing

again. Like now we bring the energy back up. Yeah. No, his fucking the inside liner of his jacket, which we see a gigantic swath of collar from is like, you know, six year old girl lunchbox colors basically. Yeah. And so this guy's here to tell us that, look, if I managed to convince myself that this mustache was a good idea, say, Daniel Griguel abuse is a pretty easy step from there. Yep. And he's very clearly like, look, you got to be down with the kids, all right? Like, let me give you an example. They open right up after that.

They just really know that you're, yeah, there's no way this guy doesn't rap just like that when he visits schools and gives it a talk. He's never sat in a chair the right way. He's like, it's on a toilet facing the tank. And his and his important message to all the police officers there is, whatever you do, make sure you obsess over satanic graffiti. At the end of the line, there are dead babies in shit. I promise. He started off so not crazy, right? He started off like he expected probation officer to start. He's going like, you know, a lot of these kids,

they get mixed up in drugs because they don't have a good home life. So Satan's prior rape and I'm probably getting raped by Satan over a vat of acid or something on those and oh man damn. Oh Dad's quick turn quick turn. Yeah, so we get back to the pastor guy and he then describes that he can't just ask your kids What's going on with them that would be crazy is the 1980s you must sneak up on your teenage children and then jump on them and hold their mouth Rocket dial hunter, but with satanic teenagers. Let me see that knife.

Is that anathema? No, just a regular knife. Okay, you're right. You're right. Wait, wait, why are you eating that baby though? Who's? Who have you started? Just a regular baby.

Okay, okay, you'll get away this time with regular. Do they agree to zips? All right. My kids know rule breaker. Yeah. So he, so yeah, he urges us to be patient with our little Satanists. Also, uh, warns about the, the rock music that causes the baby murder. Yeah. Yeah. Like, honestly, wouldn't have been surprised giant block quote of rock, it's your decision, the script, the screenplay, just rolling down in text. Right. That would have been the most appropriate, appropriate backdrop. we got in the entire movie. So yeah,

and his advice is, you know, teach your school administrators how to look for Satanists. Ask your kids about their song lyrics. That's very important. They'll have some important insights there. Also, I love this one. Call your local support services for youth about the Satanism. Man, I'm, man, I'm, man, I'm, who are you going to call?

Gun video catalog. And now we turn our attention, because we haven't had enough glossary type moments, we turn our attention to the satanic calendar and all the various holidays contained to their end. It's just a list of holidays and the the ages of the kids you fuck. That's this entire set. Let me, let me save you 10 minutes on, they always have anal sex always with a kid at very weird ages, which means that like on January 24th, if

you brought them like nine year old, they'd be like, dude, it's fucking 11 to 22. But like, if you are a woman over 30, you have nothing to fear from Satan's. All right. It's like being a drug dealer at Bonnerou, you are a safe motherfucker. By the way, they're setting all of this to like, pan flute meditation music. It's like August 13th. They rape the rape of a rapie rape. But it's just an asses and ears mostly on that one. Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, because it's not just the ages of who you fuck,

but also where you fuck up which orifices and the ages of the kids you fuck. That's this is my list. I swear, we're not exaggerating. It's just like holiday number eight, asses and eye sockets, nine to twenty. There is one exception in this list, however, where we learned that on Halloween, they really, really try to get around to having sex with a demon. They really try to make a big point. Well, I love some of these just because it's not just that.

There's also like dog sacrifice and some of them and stuff like that. But my favorite was June 2nd, which is anti-Christian ceremonies, just, you know, in general. That's that celebrated by B. Sheality, Sotami, plain red cups, you know, in general, that's that celebrated by beastiality, Sodomy, plain red cups, you know, the works. And then that's followed by the next one is summer solstice, which is orgies, gay ones with babies. Like that's really what babies. Gapes. Yeah, yeah.

So we go all the way through the year, one holiday at a time, describing who we're going to sacrifice into what your office when or whatever. And now we move on to what everybody's been fucking waiting for the satanic homicide portion of the show. Yeah. This was by far the most unintentionally terrifying moment in this movie. Oh, this is the part of the movie that I like to call crazy person or nope. The answer is always crazy person. Yeah, on the occasion when they get the names right anyway, it's always either crazy person who was just like Satan also cats was was the cause of me murdering Yeah, they probably didn't murder someone at all. Yeah, well right right or they were railroaded in by dumb shit like this movie exactly

Jesus fucking Christ. So yeah, they list a bunch of serial killers and they're going that son of Sam Feller. He was into Satan. A drank blood like Satan. There's other fellow had a finger in his pocket. Tell me that ain't Satan. That's pretty Satan. And then of course we get to, so we, we a couple of great exceptions here. Ricky Casso, who had a bad acid or triptial stabbed his friend and Carl Drew, who was a pimple, who just beat up his prostitutes and murdered them because he was a crazy evil pimple. Well, now I believe according to a very reliable source, he had a satanic call at Choptah Woman's head off and played soccer with it. Hello. That's what I've heard. And then we move on to the story of Clifford, St. Joseph, which I've heard this story

before, but I've only ever heard it as like this poor guy that was like dragged into prosecution for no fucking reason because of the satanic panic. Not as look, we got us to Satanist. Yes. So here's the story that they tell us in this documentary is Clifford St. Joseph was luckily discovered while this wild gay party was going on and the cops, you know, they're just checking out gay parties. Yeah.

Like you do. Good, good police officer and they were like, Hey, man, anyone here, Richie Lee murder anybody and Clifford St. Joseph raised his hand and went to prison for having. And that is though, that is, they say, well, you know, we, we responded to calls of a gay sex party one day and a couple of days later, wouldn't you know it? A guy got mutilated. So we went back to them, gays and asked which one of them did it.

That's the fucking story. Yep. We had a guy who was already in jail who was like, would I get less jail if I named my friends and one of them was a murderer of a murder? You haven't solved and they were like, you sure would. And he was like, any, many, mind a Clifford St. Joseph. Yes. Yeah. And we should point out like Clifford St. Joseph is still in prison over this crime.. He was convicted of the scrim. The innocence project is working hard to undo that at the last I heard, but as I understand

it, he still is, he still is considered guilty of the scrim. So yep. And the man who told, who told and one of the witnesses who said that Clifford St. Joseph was kidnapping people and tying them to radiators and getting them fucked by dogs. Also said he was having sex with Elton John Leveracci had been recruited by the government to kill Ronald Reagan. I don't know what version of 1980s lawyer was like, yeah, moving on. I don't really see how that's relevant.

I think you're, I've heard you say. As they're describing this, they're, they're interviewing the guy who railroad him, uh, or railroaded him. The first African-American police chief of San Francisco, uh, did not serve with distinction exactly. Right. And he also goes off in a crazy that I can't find any sources for. He goes, now we found that Miss case goes way higher and there were many people

involved in high positions. Yeah. I'm not found any rumors about nothing. I found nothing about that was just a crazy man who was excited. The camera was on. Oh, he was shaking with excitement. He was trying to play cool to his area, but he's, he's like, the victim was chained down and every guest was offered to put it and have sex with him and German shepherd. But this was way beyond what it would have been seen in a normal encounter of gay male anal. Just say that. Yes. Normally it's without a German shepherd.

What is this guy's insane? Yeah. was going to say. Yeah, and he basically, he's, he, first of all, this dude could make any story boring. But as he's going through, he's basically saying, you know, we didn't find any evidence, but, you know, they were gay. So. Yeah. Also, then we use Luminol, which, if you're not familiar with luminal, we sprinkled magic dust in the corner of each part of the room. And guess what we found on the floor? Blood or water or wine a stain literally anything. And the whole time he's conflating two different crimes, he's not letting you know when he's moving from talking about one crime, which actually is evidence and another crime,

which is actually murder. But yeah, yeah, it is, it is painful to watch and not just because they give us a lot of autopsy photos to work with while we're going through this. And that's a quick question about those autopsy, because we get a, we get a pentagram carved into John Doe's 60s chess, which is of course the crime that Clifford St. Joseph was committed to. We get a couple of photos of the crime scene. And then there's a still photo of a dick. Was that a dick?

That was a dick. That was 100% a dick. All of a sudden just blew up. We got a dick. Okay. So just 70 solid seconds of dick. This is so fucking, this is so much funnier than you guys realized. So one of the things that was done to this victim is that one of his testicles was cut off. That's what we were looking at. There was a missing testicle there. But if you're not, if you're not already familiar with the crime and you know to look for the missing nut, you're just looking at a dick.

You're on the straight to the dick when you show people a dick. They're not going to be like, is there a missing test? Yeah, no, you didn't have a red circle or something. You know, something that, no, why were you looking for the missing test? You can't. I did buy the bias that affected me. I paused. I paused when a penis comes up.

I make sure I'm getting the whole picture. Also, I was familiar with this case from investigating it in the past. But yeah. So yeah, yeah, exactly. I wrote my notes here. Goddamn it. The innocent project is, oh, never mind. Eli's got it in his notes.

Yeah. So and and also, by the way, the the cop that they're interviewing even lies about the sentence, right? They they're like he's like, he was sentenced to life without the possibility of probably no, he wasn't. Like that's so easy to check. In my head was. And then we get then we get his tips.

Didn't expect this question. He was like, oh, oh fuck. I did not, this isn't gonna be on the video, right? One, don't rationalize. Reason is bad. That's his first. Like, don't make non-dark magic excuses for people. Yeah, right.

It's usually dark magic. Don't rationalize that off the table because you'll confuse things. Yeah, exactly. And then piece of advice number two, investigate. That's a good one. That's a good one. I love that one.

Because you're a cop. Don't just use guess and check for arresting people. Three votes. However, however, number three is arrest drunk people. Just all of them. So I guess it is guess and check. Just a few drunk people might be rapey warlocks, arrest them. Guess and check. Yeah. Well, and this was very clearly him kind of looking at them at the camera going like, look, guys, you know a satanist when you see him arrest him for whatever you can arrest him for and you're probably saving a baby.

Also, I love number four. This is this is just phenomenal. Police advice here. Number four, look for the unusual. Especially unusual wounds, you know, not usual wounds. When you come across a murder victim, look for the part that they killed them with. Yeah, exactly. They're spelling anything with these gunshot wounds or it's just like a random pattern. Let's see, is piece of advice number five, follow through. Follow through. Like like a corporate buzzword poster. Like moving into it. Move some cheese. Follow through. Who moved my satanic victim?

Number six, and this is probably the worst piece of advice in the entire movie. Which because it's basically it's watch this movie, it says ask for help from experts, you know, like the people who made this day a movie. Maybe, you know, subscribe to Gun Video catalog. Couldn't always to get some info. I love to, okay, and then we get piece of advice number seven. This is amazing. It is, look for the signs. IE, what?

Decapitated bodies with feathers sticking out of them. That could be a sign. That is a good sign. That's a good sign of a murder. Yeah. Oh, but he's like, he starts talking about urban legends. He's like, there are urban legends everywhere that I have a tell you about the guy who picked up the hitchhiking girl and bro, let her borrow his jacket. Yeah, that's basically where this guy's going. I mean, he's just explaining like Santa Rhea rituals and goes, you know, you guys know if they're killing it, go, that's price satan shit. And they said it's legal, but it's price satan shit. I thought I liked Scalia, but he's got me in a dick about this one.

He's playing the long game. He's playing the long game. Also, also very common types of Satanism, grave robbing and stealing from churches. Yeah. Not so, you know, if someone steals something from a church, it's probably because they're going to kill someone. Baby, that it will be raped first. Yeah. And like he's so obviously just vamping at this point. He's like, Oh, you know what else just occurred to me? Animal horns always fucking with them animal horns. Also candles candles are good to look for. Hats weird hats. You know, no one else is wearing a hat. They keep it on probably because horns are underneath the hat.

But what kind of flavor pies do I like? Apple food. Colors. We said that before. But what kind of flavor pies do I like? Colors we said that before The color less things the things that You go you go you're the only one in the interview We're saying you go to I'm filming you. So yeah, and then finally number eight, educate yourself like with this movie. You know, keep watching. Don't.

Exactly, exactly. Maybe give it another look if it hasn't broken yet. But you know, that sentence again, the movie. Exactly. But how do you know? I'm, I'm sure the cops at home listening to this episode are wondering, how do you know if a murder is a Satan murder? Well, we're here to help. And you can tell this dude serious because he's lost the sweaters all together. And we've learned that his button down is even worse than his sweaters. Yeah. Yes. And he's also inside a dream sequence for Save by the Bell with like greek columns and like weird gray fake shit everywhere.

Fuck was, but that is nowhere near the weirdest thing about the scene. Oh no. And that would be hot demonstration chicken a bikini in a, I'm sorry, in a bikini or in a checkered bikini checkered, of course, obviously, because we have taste. And this is clearly a family member, right? There's no way this man knows this woman unless they're related. Yeah. Well, I have a feeling she was hired as a model. Now, we have to emphasize, there is no purpose that this woman serves, except that this guy wanted to touch a hot chicken of bikini. Right? She is here so he can demonstrate. He's going to be like, here's the kind of wounds

that you would look for. And I have an almost naked girl here so that I can point to things like neck and head when I'm talking about that. Yeah, it's a little too subtle for me to explain without fondling a live woman right now. You guys won't get it in fairness though. This is a lot like the stepdad porn I'm into. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.

Also, okay, so let's get real. He finishes, get groping his way down and then he's like, sometimes they cut their feet and peel them and then like a fucking afterthought. I could not emphasize how much it's a great moment. He goes and sometimes they put a penis in the mouth of a dead person. Anyway, now you know how to drive. After like eighties and again, he's like, there'll sometimes be wounds on the upper chest and he's like very clearly fondling her tits as he says that or whatever. And then at the very end, he says, also sometimes you'll find a penis in their mouth and you

know the camera cut away right then they're like, dude, Gordon, you can't know. No penis in mouth. That's kind of complicated. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no But the satanic polyps, satanic polyps are real. We need to, I will show you just keep rolling. Please, this is my video. I bought the VHS tape, SLP super long play. Oh, he's shit. Yeah, no, honestly, like if this whole video was just to get this girl in there so that

they could see the look on her face when he said, and sometimes there'll be a penis in the mouth, then I would understand, right? Then the motivation for this would be okay. All right, just slam open. She's so bad. Don't you wish so bad that is a price? So he reveals her with, she's under a sheet at the beginning. And he and reveals her how great would it be if she switched out for a fat dude just fuck with him make him do the whole thing in the checkered bikini.

I thought she was gonna. She was gonna like walk out of the she'd be like penis in the mouth she walks out of the frame and then in the next scene there's just a cop dressing the bikini. Anyways, penis in the mouth. Get off me, George. You get off me, man. All right. I'm having a hard day. I got yelled at.

I gotta say like I thought we had I thought the movie was over and everything. I've thought pretty much we got all the fun we were going to get out of it. And then he just pulls back this burlap sack and has this hot chick just laying there in the beginning. And I'm like, this just got weird. And my God was it worth it. Holy shit. But like I wrote in my nose just in big block letters, all caps, bolded and increased in font size. That was the greatest moment of all the moments I can't do this anymore. I'd give anything. If that could have just been me and Eli Rubin nipple, city. All right, let's redemo. We can remake this video. It costs nothing. We can get the outfits and the wigs. People get it. Go fund me together. This is a $200 one day shoot. Of everything we've ever done, everything we've joked about

remaking. This is the one that is least likely to turn out to be a joke. I could really see us doing this one. So now it's time for Gordon to wrap things up by reminding us that no community is ever safe from Satanism. They're right behind you. Yeah. He's coming to get you. Oh, good, good, good, good, they will kill your family. Yeah, he's coming to get you. Oh, good, good, good, good, good. They will kill your family. Next victim could be anybody. Maybe somebody you got tricked into wearing a bikini for a really weird video.

Never know who it could be. Stop dropping Satanism. Yeah. Also, this is such a weird no, but why did dumb people always pronounce heinous with so many syllables? Hy-yan. Yeah, yeah. I believe how he said it.

Hi, yeah, yes, they, they pretty clearly think that mean that word means like a hyena. Or hyena ainess. Yeah, well, right, right. Yeah, it's one or the other. All right. Well, I know this isn't technically a horror movie, but have you ever seen anything more terrifying? I mean, the tweet that Ted Cruz liked because then he had to think about Ted Cruz masturbating, that might have been more terrifying. I know closer to Ted Cruz than I've ever. I agree. I agree. I imagine the fan of the opera masturbating during that show. I feel like there's some cool moments where that could have happened. Yeah. Yeah, I know that would have been a better video to watch, but no, but the idea swings across

the chandelier while he's doing it. Get the whole audience. All right, never mind that's the video where he made it. Yet the day. I'm so sorry. Oh, you guys opened it now of all the time. I've been on the stage for 30 fucking years and now it's when you open it. Great.

Let's do it in cool shit earlier. So okay, in closing, I want to ask you this. In addition to richly homicidal satanists, what other fictional groups of people should police be on the lookout for and what crimes are they most likely to commit? Oh, um, smurfs and smurfing little kids. Obviously. Clearly. Uh, what about the violent left?

They trap you in their safe space and you can never leave. Okay. Well, lots of blame on all sides. Just let's just get clearly a lie. I'm boldly. Okay, well, lots of blame on all sides. Just like the skeptically Eli. I'm both. Yeah. And well, that's going to do it for our review of the law enforcement guide to Satanic cults.

That's not going to do it for the episode yet, because we still need to suck our year back in for another download. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we're going to be traveling next week and we want some time for the turnaround. So we've got yet another agent, Emma's for you. Agent Emma's to rabbi napt. Oh, please tell me we're going to get Moishi back for that one. Oh, we're getting Moishi. Awesome.

Awesome. I may miss Moishi. Finger, fingers crossed, fingers crossed. All right. Awesome. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up said one 109 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access

to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating atheist, the skeptic rat and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slant, Inc. of Evil Drafts on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnik, I'm No Illusion's Promise to Work Hard to Learn Another Shunk Next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. The Satanists and the homosexuals eventually joined forces in that park and flooded the entire southeast. That would have. Eric Pryor's mullet walked under

a freshly painted ladder and then got raped by a French skunk. None of this. Buff mullet scunk. None of this was real. None of it. None of it. None of it. None. Oh, gubma! Walking? Walking.

The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. 2017 all rights reserved.