God Awful Movies - 11: GAM011 Redeemed

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah tackle Redeemed, a movie about how thinking about having a platonic, purely conversational relationship with a person you aren't married to will destroy your marriage.   Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Yeah, exactly if they were true psychics of the world that would that would not be a pleasant power Right exactly you know that's how we know when we find out a true skeptic It's not cuz Randy's gonna show it on on the Tam stage He's gonna be the guy running down the streets going. Jesus think about something other than fucking people right? Anybody anybody think about anything but Why are so many of you into pee? What's the matter with you? God awful, movie, movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be North North East is my good friend Eli Bosnick Eli welcome back sir. Oh thanks for having me Noah. And Unfortunately, we're heathless once again this week. Apparently none of our listeners prayed hard enough

So we're gonna have to wait at least one more week to get him back to the mic But if you really love you some heath comfort yourself with the fact that at least he didn't have to watch this week's movie Redeemed guys. Heath is the Marco Rubio of the gamcast Think about it. He's his spanic deemed guys he's the Marco Rubio of the gamcast Think about it. He's his spanic. Uh, no not really. He's he's against abortion. No, no, no, no, no, he's afraid of tigers Okay, right. All right. All right. Not here at the moment. He's not gonna be president All right, all right. You've really pulled it out at the end. I was starting to doubt you at the beginning. That was really what you guys are welcome. So tell me Eli, how bad was redeemed? Oh, well, you know how the kids are all right is a really good movie about

infidelity and about how an affair can affect a relationship and how hard it is for people to deal with the complex emotions surrounding that. I do. Now imagine that that movie had been exposed to red kryptonite and created a bizarre old world version where everyone was still upset but nothing had happened and all of the acting was terrible. That's the basically what if a baby doll got aged in a time machine and then they put a blonde wig on it and then the dad from three company

didn't want to fuck it that's the you want to fuck evil on gory instead that was the fucking movie yeah this is a two four two thousand fourteen film in the genre of nothing happening slash romance but most exciting of course was that this was the I believe directorial debut of our good friend David A.R. White star of brother white ancillary sub star of God's not dead and Owen Wilson of every bone in his face other than his nose got broken instead. So how depressing is it that we've reached a point now where we recognize the Christian

movie regulars, you know, like we did the AR show's up on the screen. You're like, Oh, David. I had this weird thought moment while I was watching this movie and I recognized David our white. I was like, man, if I saw David AR white on on the street I would stop him and be like hey man I've seen all your movies and then he'd be like thank you and I'd be like no this conversation is going in a very different direction than follows that sentence usually we're going to fight now. So I know this is kind of backwards but in order to explain this movie on any level, I think we need to kind of start with the moral of the story.

You already sort of hinted at this, but if you wouldn't mind kind of sum up the moral imperative that undergird of this movie is that thinking about wanting to fuck someone is the same as fucking someone? Mm-hmm. And so is friendship! Well, right, right, yeah, you don't even have to think about fucking them. Thinking about having intimate conversations with them is the same as fucking them I do believe. And so don't do it. The only person you should be friends, boy girl friends with is your husband and or wife.

Right, right, exactly. As a matter of fact, you and I are having gay sex right now if this movie is cool. Yeah, according to this movie, we are deep, deep inside each other right now. We should be charging. People should be paying by the minute for this podcast, according to the logic of logic of this this movie which it's just

It's mind blowing the the philosophy of this movie is like all of my high school friends on Facebook Like whenever I see a post they're like so apparently it's okay to just go out with whoever Went to the bar with her friend quote unquote the other night fucking hoar and i'm just like uh... unfollow that that that guy got to make a movie this is a weird abusive boyfriend got to make a movie it is yeah what you was talking to him what you was texting him to movie? Oh, he does, I think. It's made by Pierflex, I'm sure. Well, I'm sure you're dying for nothing to happen as much as Eli and I are,

so we're going to take a quick break and when we come back we'll get all the exciting inaction of Red Deemedin. When watching a movie based on people's belief that looking at a woman is the same as having a fair with them, one can only imagine just how many affairs one is guilty of. But here at God Offal Movies, we like to hedge our bets, so in a sexual Pascal's wager, we'd like to officially apologize to all the women we've had thought sex with. This list is by no means exhaustive, but we hope that we can at least let the healing begin. Scarlett Johansson. Also Scarlett Johansson.

The girl on the subway who kind of smiled at me or maybe was just being polite. Jessica Rabbit. C.R.C. Lannister. The paintings of Georgia O'Keefe. Mrs. Butter's Worth. And finally, Tom Hardy. Also Tom Hardy. We can only apologize to the women and occasionally men in our lives

for our literally millions of affairs and hope that now the healing can begin. Noah's mom. Oh, good one also my mom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The third redeem means to compensate for the false or bad aspects of something. And while I wouldn't say this movie offered redemption exactly, it certainly offered faults in bad aspects. Starting with the ridiculous effort at a psychedelic opening that I think David A.R. White was going for.

Oh, but let's not forget this movie opens with based on a true story. A true story where nothing happens, yeah. Right, I was like, I wrote in true story where nothing happens, yeah. Right, exactly. I was like, I wrote in my notes, I mean, yeah, it is a true story that some men want to fuck other women that are not there wise. Not be based on a true story, yeah, because like nothing is happening all the time everywhere. Right, so are YouTube videos where people make tea, it doesn't, I don't think you need the title. Carzus, it's just a thing that happens. I guess it's not as catchy a title card if it's, this is the thing that happens. Right, so and of course, yeah, so we go straight from

the admission that yes, in the real world world someone somewhere Sat in a restaurant or whatever that was supposed to mean straight to this like Silly ass attempt at Hollywood nouveau that looks more like You know looks like something that somebody like what's fucking something up and somebody's like you're fucking that up He's no, I'm doing this on purpose. It's a purpose. It's a hey man. I'm like camera's not focus. No, it's orsy. I'm like Spike Lee I'm like Spike Lee I am the Spike Lee of Christian cinema. Right. Yeah, so we know that that David A. R. Waiting will be fucking around y'all. He's gonna direct this shit out of this movie He wants you to know right up front that you're gonna get some weird meaningless slow-mo blurry shit here and there the lady Doth protests too much when it's like look guys.'s a real movie I did some artsy shit you can't even see the people in frame look

at this c c i know how to do dumb shit with my camera so the the blurry artsy shot is of our main character getting on on an airplane and so and we learn here he sits down beside this fat awkward Brazilian guy and we're gonna basically tell this movie I guess in flashback of him telling a really boring story to a guy that wishes he could hang himself on an international flight Yeah, I'm going to try to save my life. Oh cool. I'm gonna read my book my life. Oh cool, I'm gonna read my book. Oh you're gonna keep doggan. This is, you know how all great movies begin with someone telling a story on a plane? No, that's no movies. No great movies ever begin with someone telling a story on a plane? Well, strap in. Oh my god. Now it would have been great if it had been like, you know, Abramucker and zucker style like he comes back and it's just a skeleton that he's talking to or something like that

haha fucking awesome you can just see his feet hanging from the top exactly the oxygen mass to take his own life fucking kung fu style perhaps the worst idea that's presented in this movie and believe me there are a lot of really terrible ideas presented in this video but perhaps the worst one is you should talk to people on a fucking plane I fly all the time and every time someone talks to me I'm like oh fuck here we go yeah yeah headphones anywhere man look look look they've got the tooth fairy at the rock-dwaing jobs I'm sorry. I saw this only twice on my last flight. I got a gotta watch it again Oh, you did not cheat on your wife great

Would you like to hear a story about something I did do know you're still talking great It's gonna jerk off under this very thin blanket. I'm gonna read this vomit bag if you don't mind know you're still talking great ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha which is made clear to us because the first five lines of this movie are him being like the cyber network microchips are in place with the kuba-tron tuba bassinet and then robin so i i yeah no i the very first note that i wrote down on on my uh... thing here was stop throwing words at me

uh... during this opening exposition. And we, so we learn amidst this word salad of an opening that they've got a new program called Jericho that they're about to test or that they're about to put it online or whatever. Right. So yeah, they're about to test Jericho, which they could not explain more lazily. They're like, oh, Jericho, it's gonna use data to make the security of the... Whew! Ha-ha-ha! Anywho, it just says tack in my script,

no one wrote anything in. Blah, blah, blah, computer words, blah, blah, blah. I guess, okay, so the one guy says, all right, we've hired a bunch of hackers to try to break into it. The Greyhats. Yes! This is one of my favorite things. They're so the one guy says, all right, we've hired a bunch of hackers to try to break into it. The Greyhats. Yeah. This is one of my favorite things.

They're called the Greyhats, because they've obviously heard the words black hat and white hat hackers. And so it's like, they're called the Greyhats. They're neither good nor evil. And where's their movie? I wanna hear about the Greyhats and their meetings. So what'd you do this week?

I don't know, I just sort of so i broke into the fb i and i i changed everyone's dmv appointment to be five minutes later they're nihilists i think that's not fair i want to hack into a computer don't want to do anything while i'm there i'm just gonna be right here uh... but just when it seems like I guess everything's going just fine, all of a sudden there's a problem. One of the hackers apparently has made it through their security protocols or whatever's just to 60, 620. 620. I wrote down immediately, bet that's a Bible code.

I wrote it down too. I was like, yep, that that's gonna be bible it's gonna be a bible almost went to my bible and checked joshua 620 to see which yeah but yeah so apparently the bible code hacker manages to thwart their big Jericho thing that everybody's really excited about so the main character whose name I still don't fucking know all is okay all right Paul played by the uh... Jefferson Darcy from very with children is very very angry and yelling at all as people because they've they've hacked into Jericho right yeah exactly which it's impossible to list the things that aren't real in this scenario because there's just so many of them a that's not how hacking works

be security companies don't invite hackers that's like you what they heard of is what they heard of is the the french urban legend of the safe company inviting all the famous safe crackers to try and break their safe home and that's not real by the way that was just a tv commercial that they did was with hired actors that was real but anyways they heard that and they were like I bet all security firms do that to test all systems they're just like hey criminals anyone want to see an early version of what we're later going to need to try and keep you out. We got an advanced view of where the problems are.

Hey guys if you'd like to take a walk down into Fork Knuck's, we got these new security cameras, we want to invite anybody to try and hit them with a bat that's pretty strong, right Steve? Alright, now if everyone can leave, oh guys, no, you said you would leave. This is just a practice. Well, that's the thing is you've got to get people who are neither good nor evil. That's why you need the great hands, right?

Why wouldn't you get white hats? Why wouldn't you get good people? Like, why would you, are you morally ambiguous? Yeah, exactly. Well, these, these, these, uh, gray hats all obviously rolled in D&D for their alignment. They were like, I'm a chaotic good. And it was like, that's how you're going to live your life.

Now I rolled the dice, man. I'm a chaotic good. All right. Seems like a lot lot we're not playing anymore. We are always playing the game my friend Right so yeah now everything's gone to hell and then we have to go and meet the wife in a Meet the wife scene and this is one of the least attractive people We've seen in any of the movies we've ever reviewed. Her face looks like one of those fish that you can only eat the one part of or you die. That's what this person looks like.

And so, at one point in the movie, my wife walks in, she's on screen and she says, you know, she says, is she supposed to look like that for the movie or is that what the act is really like oh he's i get it because he's a christian married a burn victim that's nice scud that they incorporated her she looks like a hot young blonde woman having an allergic reaction yeah is her face is all swollen i mean it's pre-19 i would like to know that yes right exactly personified exactly is all swollen. I mean, it's pre-1990. The legend of surgery. Yes, right, exactly. Personified. Exactly.

So she's having, she's sending out invitations to their Val Renewal. And he's like, how many people are you inviting? And she says, 20 of our closest friends and family. And he goes, it's not the royal wedding. And I wrote, hey, man, 20 people is not allowed to invite to your vet. I'm getting married in August.

There are going to be 200 human beings there Wow, if everyone says yes, so I this so 20 people to Valoranua I'm just sitting there being like man fucking 20 people to Valoranua wouldn't have to fucking cater that shit myself I'll make some mac and cheese Oreo truffles would be good to go. So now we have to meet the Brazilian chick. We're gonna meet her when she goes to work, we meet his adorable little secretary. I kind of liked her. Yeah, who has a standing desk, by the way,

which was incredibly distracting for me throughout the entire film. I was actually thinking about getting me one of those. I hear desk. I hear good things. I hear good things. You know, I hear it's good for you, but I'm just like, really?

You can't sit down ever your whole life You just gotta be standing up. It also makes you seem like a high-tech executive too a standing desk means that you're a Man of action you walk over to your standing desk and you're like commanding a contract the skinny desk is where you jerk off No one jerks off at a standing desk. That's a real because you definitely like No one jerks off at a standing desk. That's the real cause you definitely like hunch and yeah like yeah. Oh guys I just figured out why people actually have standing desk. It's because you can't jerk off at a standing desk. I feel like you have a bad ass down here. And that's why they added the treadmill because someone like me would have jerked off anyways. And I'm like fine we'll put a treadmill on and you know

what there's someone out there jerking off on his treadmill standing desk just like nope you're not stopping this train Turn it up to six. I don't give a shit. No, you have an open cubicle. Yeah, well Shouldn't it come into work so early. It's noon. That's pretty early for me And by the way if you're looking for a bright part of this movie, which God knows I was, um, the actress who plays the Brazilian is super hot and he's a fairly good performance. It's a little broad. It's a little seductive. I would definitely not call it a good performance, but I would agree with a first half of that sentiment. The best performance in this movie.

Oh, well, yes, absolutely. When you have David A.R. White and a blow, a slightly deflated fucked all to deal with. So just a quick plot summary and so that we can get to the details here. The BBC, which is not the BBC, the news organization, it's a Brazilian like banking company i that's probably stands for Brazilian banking company uh... who knows but they're called the bbc that's very confusing i just saved you a lot of confusion the bbc is this Brazilian company that is considering buying pauls company

because they have developed gyrical and they have sent this Brazilian woman to check out the company's finances to make sure that They should buy it right that seems to be that's her function in the movie. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's that's her excuse for being there Her function in the movie is going to be for him to think about while he's beating him off apparently. Right exactly me too Oh for real me to three. So she shows up and she's in this like pink like, yeah, I guess that's what you show up for in a business meeting as a short pink sleeveless dress or whatever. Right. I wrote in my notes. She's

wearing this hot pink thing and this Easter bonnet. And I wrote, Hey, I found Carmen Sandi A. So everyone, this could not be a less appropriate outfit to wear to an introductory Business meeting is just oh what should I wear to this corporate meeting well I'm gonna be meeting them and going over their financial reports. How about an Easter bonnet and a fuck me dress And I just want to I want to plant this flag now I actually worked for a company that was under financial review and we got purchased for a larger company and nothing this sexy happened Four German guys came to my apartment in uptown Manhattan and sat with me on my computer And we're like, you know, you can actually use Excel if you if you press to page down button

It just goes right to it and I was like, oh cool. You're not very good at your job. No, I am not I am not that sounds kind I am not. That sounds kind of sexy though. That sounds kind of sexy. Please don't open my internet browser. I can also call me no windows. Just kept waiting for one of those Germans to take off his sportsjack and be like, show his hot in here. You have your fuzz as I. Damn it. Movies just lie to you, man. They're at least believable thing about this movie, by the way, that this gorgeous woman wants to fuck this man who looks like a wrestling co- a retired wrestling coach. That's the body we're looking at here.

Oh, Pinsy, I like, I don't, I never got the remote impression in this movie that she wanted to fuck him. Oh, and at all, at all. That's very important. Yeah. I thought, I early on I was like, great, she is going to reciprocate this relationship and we're going to deal with the flirtation that goes on between them. We're going to see it, again, plant another flag right now. This woman is entirely professional and friendly to someone.

She's just having a casual business conversation. She occasionally is like, yeah, you know, let me tell you a little about me. And the movie revolves around this man's unhealthy obsession with her. Right. Exactly. We're watching her be sexually harassed basically through this movie. Yeah. This is like a fatal attraction. If Michael Douglas and her head and head in a fair at the beginning, That's what this is like. It's just like, thanks for working at this soup kitchen with me. You're welcome. Kill a rabbit. That would be a better movie.

And then of course, we have to watch him family-ing for a while. So we cut over to the soccer game. Right. Where the sun is like, time I shoes faster, fucktard. Safety first first son. Right. And then the wife comes and reminds him that he hasn't written his vows for the vowl room.

This is the second time this has come up. It's like four minutes into the movie. So. Yeah. This wife has had two lines. Both of them have been right your rower noodles from me. Right. Right.

You write down how much you love me we need that for act three mother fucker Um, and then we go full fucking sermon. We're 11 minutes into this movie and it goes full fucking sermon And wouldn't you know what the guys Sermonizing about how you shouldn't want a fuck Brazilian chicks Well that appears to be all that this preacher ever talks about Yes Well, that appears to be all that this preacher ever talks about. Yes. He will be full extent of this movie. This preacher never talks about anything except not going after Strange. I feel like at some point they would have been like,

Hey, Pastor, it's Christmas. Are you gonna tell the Christmas story? No! Even if she's just like walks by you, if you smell her hair man, you're going straight to fucking hell. Alright, well, Merry Christmas pastor going straight to fucking hell alright well Merry Christmas pastor straight to hell alright yeah so this is how we're gonna get sort of the theological justification for this movie's thesis is that we're gonna remind you to view this pastor repeatedly that even if you what what is the line if you look at a woman with lost you have already committed adultery with her in your heart? Right.

That's the biblical line that's sort of going to undergird this entire fucking movie. And again, it's going to be served to you repeatedly by this pastor character. Which by the way, if you're looking for crazy shit that Jesus said, that's a great selection. I mean, listen, it's not as good as if he who would not serve me lay him down and cut his head off. No, I know it's just a story It's a weird fucking story to tell but anyways if you're looking for weird stuff when your Christian friends are like well Dean with insane hang a man like gay marriage you can be like well You know what Jesus did say looking at a lady is fucking her. Oh, yes

Oh, yeah, did he read your book? No, that's why I'm a Christian. Oh This is a good one to bring up a Thanksgiving that's all I'm saying If someone asked you to say great mention that this is the direct quote of Christ in Nazareth Also bitching about that fig tree man, I mean, you know that was So to be fair, I do scream at all the women who can't have babies in my neighborhood. That's my thing. So I don't know Notice you don't have any kids yet, miss Bachman Fucking kids yet Looks like someone's just asking to be caught on fire

Yeah, it's because it's a fact that you don't kill her makes you more moral than Jesus at that point So cute more more than Jesus the Eli Bosnick story right now and and then of course well He's sitting in church We have to get little flash cuts to the Brazilian shake so that we can be reminded that she's sort of haunting his mind and all of His fan I wrote fantasizing in church because church is boring well, but but fantasizing about her fully dressed I mean this guy just does not know how to fantasize that's gonna come up later in this movie as well. Oh now here We go the crazy again. I know I say this a lot, but if I ever get crazy billionaire money, I'm gonna intercut all of his fantasy scenes with what men would actually fantasize

about. That will not be rated R, my friends. You're gonna have to download that movie. I'm gonna have to hire some very special actresses. Yeah, I'd something tells me this actress is available. Yeah, exactly. And then just so that we can kind of see that, you know, his life is all fucked up. We also have to have the pastor come up to him and say, hey, main character, I notice you haven't been churching much at the church. So, you know, church more. And he's like, oh, yeah, I can't meet into church more of pastor, but I'm not churching enough. Yeah, you're right.

And then we go to, we cut to the him not listening to his wife seen. Right. I mean, that's kind of a thing that happens. I and the Christian movies and romantic movies, whatever in general make a big fucking deal out of this. But when you live with somebody for 20 fucking years occasionally, they're going to be talking to you and you're just going to be like, oh, I'm sorry, what the fuck were you saying? Yeah, like this is not the end of the goddamn world Right exactly my fiance listened to me all the time she would have stabbed me in the goddamn throat with a knitting needle He's standing over my bloodstained body being like oh, yeah, are you gonna find their card? Are you gonna find the fucking card? You found their card is that the end of the story Eli? Is that the end of this story too? You thought you weren't going to but then you did because that's your job Precisely, sorry, I thought you thought you were interested in my day. Nope. I just wanted you to say fine

And then tell you that Tori's gonna break up with her boyfriend. That's what I want Do a happy ukulele their boyfriend that's what I want to tell you. Oh, I'm happy. You go, Ellie. And also, and also your wife, or fiance, at least has a pleasant voice, you know, yeah, my like this woman, like every time she started talking, I was just scratching a fucking chalkboard to drown out the sound. Yeah, exactly. I put needles in my scrotum to balance it out

I was like oh, it's okay because these needles in my scrotum are so pleasant bike comparison Jesus yeah, this woman's voice genuinely was painful to listen to in the movie Yeah, just a hard thing to hear and hard to look at and all kinds of like all kinds of reasons not to cast her yeah and now this is also the part of the movie where he sort of tells his wife about the Brazilian chick but he doesn't tell her it's a woman and that's the same as fucking that's pretty much the same as fucking guys which I mean what is the well-behaved version of that so honey what's going on as a representative from a Brazilian company She is five six. She is the woman. That is all you need to know. We will no longer speak Right, I mean exactly oh oh and then this is oh this is super important

We learn at this Seeing that two friends of theirs have just broken up because of in fidelity because of marital in fidelity and the one of those friends is david white yes yes exactly he's really branching out now i didn't realize that this is first movie that he's either in our first movie he's directing i think this is first directorial uh... so this is first time directing this is uh... this is uh... he stretches is acting chops here a little bit guys uh... get ready for uh... david a our whites a game if you will yes he yeah shows up for some silent bob

wisdom before it's all over yes oh yeah so then he goes to work with his secretary again who's at her standing desk so that she can't fiddle the so she can't play DJ Dittlesworth. And she's like, hey, the bank called your interrable debt. This is like the eighth version we've heard of the your interrable debt. Yeah. Because we see him look at bills, we see him, you know, there's an airplane that flies outside the window that's got one of those big flags that says you're in terrible day We've had this the ninth part of foreshadowing that he's not doing well financially

Which by the way, I just want to take a moment to point out if you're playing Christian movie bingo the main characters having money problems Go ahead and take a shot. Yeah, right So she's like hey, we're in terrible debt the bank called what should I tell them and he goes what do you think of my tie does it match my shirt well right and I guess what we're trying to say is he's concerned with how he looks because he's gonna see the Brazilian chick but he keeps asking asked her like eight times of his time matches his shirt and he's wearing a white fucking shirt yes so like yes all the ties match your goddamn shirt, dude.

It's not how it's white. That's not how matching works. No, that's not just a thing. He doesn't know that that's not a thing that people just say casually. I guess my tie watch my shirt, you're not wearing a tie or a shirt. All right, well, I'm going to keep jerking off in this Walmart bathroom. Sir, we're going to need you to come with us. Get your hands off me.

You're not a real cop. You can put a banjo on you if you want to but I know that things plastic so he goes into his office the Brazilian chick is there her skirt is her dress is a little bit shorter this time and I thought that was a really funny element of the movie is that like the the Brazilian chick like every time you see her she's dressed in a little bit less but it's a Christian movie so there's you know there. It's never gonna be like truly immodest It's just gonna be inappropriate for the situation right it she she wears a series of inappropriate outfits for whatever it is She's going to or doing but she's never wearing something sexy enough that you're like

That's pretty good, but they do they're like look at that dress just above her knee and in the next scene It's gonna be an Each you have to be a knee yeah exactly exactly although although I have to admit seeing that her outfit got shorter in this I was looking forward to the end of the movie when she was just oh I'm sorry I was just washing my clothes and so I decided to come to your wedding completely naked Thank you for inviting me Well, I was looking forward to that too, or at least thinking about that while this movie

was going on. But like I said, it was cheated on your wife. Exactly. Exactly. Everyone who watched this movie cheated on their wife with Miss Santos. And I just, this is not how wanting to fuck hot women goes. As someone who goes, listen, I can't speak from expertise on many things, but I can speak from a deep place of expertise on wanting to fuck hot women. And I don't turn into a cartoon fucking wolf. And that's it. Which is weird, because the Christian movies are supposed to be strange, because they don't know what things are. But Christian men, the people who wrote this, do actually know what it's like to want a fuck other women

i can't pretend that this is a foreign experience they're like oh man it's like that episode of south park where they're all like oh wizard must be to making us all be in it's like oh man i have no idea what it must be like to want a fuck other women honey i guess the characters probably just like spill hot boiling water down their pants and accidentally run into rakes, right? That must be what it's like. Honey, you're looking at porn on your computer right now. No idea what it's like to want other women. All right, so we get this awkward flirting scene where she just doesn't know what's fun

to do at LA and he's like, oh, you could could this is these are his actual top LA destinations that he rattles off you could go to Disneyland or the Hollywood Walk of Fame or O.J. Simpsons house O.J. Simpsons house and I wrote when was this movie made when he was a when he was a football player you wouldn't go see his house now that he's a murderer You especially don't want to go see his house, you know, he's there He didn't go to prison for that or anything exactly you especially Brazilian lady yeah, I want to go to his house So and then she says something about are you offering to be my personal tour guide? And I'm just thinking about all the guys in the right room getting excited about that one. Oh nailed it

Oh man, that's a good flirting right there Inflirting which by the way had a moment of gut check for me because like people coming in New York all the time I'm like, hey show me around and I'm like am I fucking those people? You are, sir. No, again, she's the accountant, so she's there to get financial reports and she's tells him that like seven different times and he has all the whole flirty thing and stairs and tits instead. And also has this crazy moment where she's like, so I need to go over these financial

reports tomorrow and he's like, no, my son's got a soccer game and she's like, so I need to go over these financial reports tomorrow. And he's like, no, my son's got a soccer game. And she's like, and instead of being like, oh, I'm sorry, my business wants to buy your business. Can you miss the soccer game? Well, I just like, oh, I don't have like an eight and a half hour soccer game. What is this the fucking home game? Maybe we can be after your soccer game soccer?

Multi-million dollar business deal. No, sorry. There's pre-sucker game, then there's the soccer game, then there's the post-sucker game wrap-up. I gotta get on a USB and I gotta dress in circles and some lines. I can't do it. It's gonna eat something my whole day. Takes me 45 minutes to time my kids cleats. I'm sorry.

Yeah, right. We've seen, yeah, exactly exactly and then before she leaves she goes they're lovely by the way and i wrote in my notes your balls but no she meant his kids and again completely innocuous thing to say they're lovely you have some lovely kids and the movie acts again and and and like essentially she says and can i get the financial reports is going yeah and i'm thinking at this point, I am just watching this guy subtly sexual,

sexually harass a foreigner. Yeah, I kept waiting for her character to go. That is not appropriate. Please just give me the numbers for the, I don't go away. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I talk to your secretary now. She would be standing there.

She good. I like the secretary too. She was cute. I had a lot of thoughts she would be standing there. She good. I like the secretary to she was cute I had a lot of thoughts about the secretary and the Brazilian chick together, so we fucked so many people Oh my god, everybody except for his wife pretty old man I get to update my sex list now right my body count That's great. My body counts pretty low My body counts pretty low well I watched a movie which means I've had sex with 85 million people

And now we're gonna cut over to to his but him and his buddy Ryan who are having lunch at the food truck where everyone in LA eats apparently well, so here I have several problems with unemployed Mark Ruffalo Which is who this is. Yes, Mark and Greg. This marketing guy is named Ryan. He's gonna come back. But so here's the thing. First of all, there's no reason why you can't tell

your partner that someone's hot. I talk to my fiance all the time. I'm be like, look at that. And she'll be like, yeah, right? Hot. That's it. End of the conversation. Over.

I mentioned to my wife how hot the Brazilian chicken this movie was. Yeah, she looked up. I was gonna say, she looked up from her paperwork today while we were watching the movie and was like, oh, she's super hot. And then I was like, right? And that was it. That was the end of the conversation. So the, I don't know, man, what it doesn't know, don't hurt him conversation, is insane here.

Right. I would understand it if it was like, did I fuck this person and that person was giving that advice? I guess I would understand it if it was like did I fuck this person and that person was giving that advice I guess I would understand it but and the fact that I'm attracted to another woman if I was like and I have something to tell you I think Jennifer Aniston's pretty hot like pre 1990s Jennifer Aniston she'd be like and yeah oh no that's it okay I'm gonna go back to my book and then you would probably react exactly like unemployed Mark Rufalo reacts, which is you should see my shrink.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait, but first we have the spider metaphor. Oh, right, yeah, exactly. Listen, man, if your wife was asleep, you're going camping, right? She's got a spider on her. You don't tell her she's got a spider on her. And I'm like, yes, you fucking do.

That is bad advice. That's got a spider on her and I'm like, yes you fucking do! That is bad advice! That's not how spider bites work. When you just let it crawl inside her mouth, make a small nest and then when it goes out to get some food, then you slowly remove the nest and the eggs that have been planted therein, and that's the way to handle it. So I wrote a better metaphor would be, imagine that you've been thinking about a spider on your wife's face. Should you scream, look out there to spider on your face!

Exactly! This movie makes no fucking distinction between those two things though. Yeah, so we get our no spider no bite wisdom and then he gives him the psychiatrist's card. That's going to be important later. That's going to lead to my favorite scene in the movie but not quite yet. Oh yes, well we have to point out when in the movie, but not quite yet. Oh, yes Well, we have to point out when he gives him the psychiatrist card He's like, hey man, you need some meds and it's like and then we have the Paul goes no, no, no, no I don't believe in that stuff and I'm like medicine But don't worry because that level of the movie like that happens in a lot of movies

So I sort of ever learned to ignore that level of the movie like that happens in a lot of movies so i i sort of ever learned to ignore that sort of bull shit like and they're not real doctors because they talk to you first uh... but i was like okay i'll let that go but we're gonna come back to that in in what is both of our favorite scenes in the movie yeah yeah it gets a lot worse but first we have to meet uh... blonde kim davis who Davis who is the fucking plastic surgery victims friend. Right. Yes.

Who is there to deliver southern old lady wisdom? And the first thing that we hear this lady talking about is how all this technology just makes our lives harder than it doesn't make him any easier. And I'm like, bitch, go out and start washing your goddamn clothes on a Washboard by the river and tell me all about how technology is making your life harder you fuckt hard You're not thy science fuckt hard Not only that but she's talking about it while she uses a dishwasher right a demonstrable example It's like man all this technology makes all lives harder.

Push a button, washes an entire load of dishes. You know what I'm saying? It's just too hard. Starts a laundry machine that doesn't have to be washed by hands anymore. It's just so hard to get people, sends an email that would have to be carried by a horse across the country for seven days and seven nights. You know, people just have died from polio? Yeah. Right, exactly. i miss the rickets ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha old lady porn once again we flash back to him telling this story on the plane so that we can be reminded that this is all back story.

Oh, all right. This is a story being told on a plane. Good. Good. Don't forget. Don't forget. It's really important. This is being told on a plane.

Is it important? No, no, it's not. But the movie really wants you to remember it's being told on a plane because they rented the plane set and they're not just gonna use 15 minutes of it No, no, they can get as much as they can out of that. And get their money's worth. So the Brazilian guy that he's talking to is like, well, why did you not just give her the financial reports? Which like the guy actually would have said, okay, are we done with this story because, you know, you've been talking for a long time.

It's night now. And in your story so far, nothing has happened, except for that you've sexually harass for a long time. It's night now and in your story so far nothing has happened except for that you've sexually harassed a woman. Oh, don't worry man. I'm getting to the good part because I'm gonna I'm gonna follow her to her hotel room I don't I want to change my seat. I changed Change my I don't have to be in first class anymore. I just I realize now I want to give my seat to that soldier who came on news in coach now I changed my mind to do good things for him. He's used to seeing messed up shit. He can come on. He's used to the rest of your story. Right? So then we got an Arab guy's toe on a keychain.

He's probably more prepared for this than me. That's what guys do, right? I don't know. No. So now we cut back to her going over the financials. Looks like all the financials are in order. Right. And you can tell they've done late night business business because Chinese food business business. Yeah, exactly. I hate to again as someone who is escaped the corporate world. I hate to be that guy, but I have never had a late-night meeting with Chinese food. Whenever there's a late-night meeting, everyone doesn't eat. Everyone just sits there getting hungrier and hungrier and angrier and angrier, because if you suggest food, it means everyone's gonna be there for longer.

Right, yes. Just they're starving to death while you fantasize about the cliff bar and your jacket pocket Would your corner of this movie I fucked by the way I may But it's a movie tropes again, they got Chinese food in a movie either means we're working late or I'm single If it's in the fridge and they have again super inappropriate Conversation where she's just like oh, you know, I don't really trust men And he's like, I want to put my penis in you and I see this is why this is why I don't really trust men because they act like You I have I have some problems trusting men show me your titties Well, she even says at one point she says I want to know what you're thinking right now is like no honey

You never want to know what a man you're now. I was like, no, honey, you never want to know what a man you're talking to is thinking. Yeah, never, never, ever. You don't want to know, men don't want to know what men are thinking. No one wants to know what anyone else is thinking. No one's ever been like, I'm so glad I found out what my thing is thinking.

They're like, well, you should cover your apartment and plastic wrap your pants. You're the grossest person I've ever met. I shook your hand, I'm gonna cut my hand off. Yeah, exactly. If there were true psychics in the world, that would not be a pleasant power. Right, exactly. That's how we know when we find out a true skeptic, it's not because Randy's gonna show it on the Tam stage.

He's gonna be the guy running down the streets going, Jesus, think about something other than fucking people. Right? Anybody? Anybody thinking about anything, but, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are so many of you into pee? What's the matter with you? Oh, I want the Jeannie back. Why did I use my third wish? What a terrible third wish. So then we get him waking up with his sobriety hangover or whatever he got from working so late and wouldn't you know what he missed the fucking soccer game that miserable piece

issue. He's in the middle of a multi-million dollar deal with his company and missed the goddamn soccer game. Christians don't miss soccer games, guys. Apparently, yeah. By the way, Christian Movie Bingo, missing the big blank that your child is doing. Yeah, right. Punch your card and have a shot.

You're already super drunk. So send us a picture of your tits, people. Men win everybody. This is equal opportunity, by the way. You can all send us a picture of your tits people men with everybody this equal opportunity by the way you can all send us picture i'm going to do it to know i'm going to get yeah exactly exactly that's gonna happen you bastard uh... so yeah so he's on the the wife calls and she's like you missed a

fucking soccer game what else wrong with you he's like oh i was with julie and she's like was a studio bitch right you didn't tell me she with a woman which in every other movie would be like oh yeah no i didn't mention that okay well there was a fifty one percent chance when i said there was a person that it was gonna be a woman but yeah yeah and then we cut it like he's back at work now and he's he's getting ready for his his big meeting with uh... the brazilian chick again so he but, he talks to his friend and he's like, hey man, I got that report on Jericho and the guys like,

oh, that's total nonsense. He's like, that's okay, I'll show up to the meeting in an hour early, which by the way, as a former server, he turned to the waiter and he's like, I'm meeting someone in an hour. Oh yeah, right. I would've been like, oh, do you want to get up for my fucking table?

Exactly. So I can get some goddamn money, man. If you want to sit at that table for an hour, you better prepare to eat four dinners, mother fucker. Or at least tip for four of them, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Complete dick move. As soon as he said that, I figured the waiter would say, oh, would you like to sit outside on one of the many lovely benches that the city provides for people like you? Yeah, would you like to go anywhere else? Perhaps go see a full-length feature film and then come back and meet the person who you're meeting an hour from now

But not only is he an hour early she is an hour early well or is she but yes Yes, so she shows up wearing even less clothes and I'm thinking to myself God I hope she's in nothing but a tampon by the end of it, but again Christian movie So yeah, she shows up and and she's in a sexy little black dress and he's hands it, the report to her is like, I'm not sure if this report is bullshit or not, but here you go, sexy lady. Right, and she's like, don't worry, I trust you.

And she touches his hand and I wrote in my notes, okay, some hand touching. This is some touching and this, I get it. It's kind of romantic and I understand how this would cross lines and at this point in the movie It's like she's showing interest in having sex with him. Yeah, so yeah, and I'm like, oh, okay I get it. This is a beginning of an affair They be or beginning with early flirting it didn't make a ton of sense But obviously there's an attraction here and they're gonna and they're gonna like there's gonna kiss or something's gonna happen

But no no this movie delivers the single-handed, most go fuck yourself moment. I think we've seen in any of the movies so far because that has just been a fantasy. He's fantasizing about having a boring business conversation with her, yes. Right, and her touching his hand so much so that he spills water into his lap Because he's leaning forward to like what live out this fantasy Live out the fantasy. I'm glad he wasn't fantasizing about something else Yeah, right and it's a fucking shot that we didn't want the waiter walks over and he's just humping the table Daddy's little girl

the table. Who's deady little girl? Put your hair into pig tails so I got something to hold on to. Sir, that is the bread basket. Not anymore, it's not inside Paul's noggin. So then she shows up, she's not wearing a black dress, they did not hold hands. No, go fuck yourself. There was no actual hand touching. this is right by the way when she's like also i need that report pretty soon because i'm going back to brazil and he's like you're leaving already and she's like you and she has a perfectly normal reaction to that which is yeah i live yeah what why would i not go back to brazil and he's like oh no reason just maybe we're in love with each other

Sorry, what? Why is that bread basket have pig tails Oh, it's crazy And in his bread basket get get pigtails Staying married me. What? Yeah, exactly so quick before we get to that he goes to the psychiatrist and This is the greatest thing of this psychiatrist this guy is like okay first of all now everything that happens in this scene It's just disgusting on a deep deep gut gut level to anyone who knows how psychiatry works and knows that it's already pretty maligned in the natural, in the sort of the, you know, cultural perception, you know.

Right, and isn't it nice that this scene crosses the borders of Christianity that we get to pass right over the lines of Christian and atheist into just general anti-science woo-woo. I just fucking Scientology at a certain point, yeah. Right, exactly. Psychiatrists aren't doctors because they're just gonna give you pills. You know, and this is the thing, okay, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about this scene. So he gets in to this, let's talk about this scene and then I can then I can be angry about it. Okay, okay, basically I the the psychiatrist opening line is so what do you want messin pros act you want some matter all how much you want how much do I do I do I hear I don't do I hear I don't do I hear I don't

go going once he says what medications are you on he goes oh none he goes well you came to the right place yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all the oh we're gonna do is give you pills and by the way just to point out so i have family members who would not be alive if it were for medication there's a good chance that i might not be alive if it were for medication so there's nothing more fucking insulting to me and again this crossed the line there's nothing more insulting to me than that like they're just gonna give you pills you know right because they can't really fix the problem which is such a such a bullshit stupid thing to say you would never shoot this scene with a knock

Another doctor no one would ever come into a scene with a doctor with a broken arm and be like so you want a cast You want a cast huh who needs a cast who needs a cast right? They're just gonna throw a cast on it if it's broken. Yeah, they're gonna fucking throw a cast on it It's broken and it's a a goddamn miracle because 200 years ago they would have been like you're a lunatic quick wrap him in rubber and throw him in a padded room right right fucking spoiled brats society people have this kind of bullshit attitude yes exactly exactly and the fact that people don't if the fact that people don't trust medication

and don't trust therapists, it's just why we have such a huge mental out-of-the-world for the United States. A therapist are there to fucking help you, just like normal doctors. If people thought of them as normal doctors, we wouldn't have huge amounts of fucking suicide, better in suicide in this country because it's like, oh, buckle it up. Don't think about all the hard times you had in the fucking war. You can just squeeze your ass cheeks together. You try reading the Bible yet here, coming in this underfunded VA home with one therapist who has to see 97 people away out of it.

Yeah, yeah, no shit. So that's this scene. Exactly, exactly. And now, but the thing is, now here's the fucked up thing because this is some bizarre, weird Christian movie, movie that's they're clearly sending that message we're trying to send that message they're clearly trying to send the message that psychiatrist turned old good all they're do good to do is give you drugs ignore them mental illnesses the kind of thing you know you can just you can

just think your way out of that fucking need for fucking in trying have you tried thinking hard enough because that'll cure your disease that'll cure your mumps yeah exactly right I just I want well in one movie I just want a normal doctor to be treated the way they treat therapists in these kinds of movies no shit like oh so you've got a pretty bad bacteria infection I'm gonna give you a z-pack no thanks doc I've got the bible no man you need a z need a Z-Pack. Oh, yeah, you're probably gonna do. Probably do. But forgot you went to school for this and I was not. But see, but here's the thing though, even though they, they very, very clearly are sending that message at the beginning and at the very end of this scene, which is phenomenal. But all the way through the middle, the psychiatrist is just giving this guy really reasonable advice

And he's the only person in the movie who's giving him reasonable advice. Oh, yes This is the second movie this and heaven is for real both have psychiatrist characters who talk like bond villains But are saying perfectly normal reasonable advice right so he goes in and he's like um I'm attracted to a woman I work with she's attracted and I'm married and the therapist is like so how long have you been having an affair and he's like oh no no not I just like her and he's like hey you send in dick pics or I don't like literally he's like us some racy texts is what's going on here and he's like no no no nothing she she doesn't he

even says I don't think she knows that I'm attracted to her right and the therapist is justifiably baffled by his appreciation he's like you know I could be I don't understand someone who's sick right now if because that's what I do if it wasn't pissing away my time with you you know I'm a doctor right it's like going in and being like I don't know I was thinking the other day about maybe having pneumonia. Do you have pneumonia?

No. But I was thinking about it. Yeah, you can leave. You know I'm a doctor, right? I went to school, took tests. I'm not just a guy. You're looking for a guy. Right, yeah, yeah.

Somebody at the bar could probably help you here. But now, but I should point out again This is not how therapy works. Okay, so if you walk into a therapist and you say I'm you know I'm attracted to this attractive woman who doesn't know I'm attracted to her He's not gonna go your problems are petty. He's gonna try to he's gonna say okay Well, obviously, you know, there's something going on or you wouldn't be here. I'm sure there's more to it than that Let's talk about this enormous amount of anxiety you have from all of these bills that you have been paid or whatever you know he would talk to you long enough to

figure out what was actually going on he would just be like oh that's not really a problem uh... right away you seem to me to be a whiny bitch good therapy and therapist good therapy at which point he goes he brings up the bible and the therapist because he's a therapist goes oh the bible haha I wipe my ass with your petty bible you silly fool oh I didn't realize you were religious that's what keeps me in business

man no shit so yeah so then I think I'm not I'm not sure I went back and listened to just make sure but I think he suggests that the main character consider maybe a three way with the Brazilian chicken as wife is that what he was actually suggesting. Yeah exactly. Which by the way, well he says you know tell your wife about it because she might find it exciting which by the way I love this movie had to take a little dig at open relationships and polyamory just like you know how fucking crazy non-Christians are they think that you can fuck multiple people and be happy swathes of people fucking multiple people and

being happy but you know try looking at her body if she doesn't want to fuck you try to look at her body just don't look at her face because that's the part of her that's crying that's the Christians give you yes, it is as we learned on this week of misogyny last week Which by the way we have this great moment now someone who wrote this movie Obviously saw an actual therapist at one point and talked about guilt and religious guilt and Because the therapist says something that they say in therapy all the time, which is wrong is not a word we use here now What what this movie translate that to me is there is no wrong Like the therapist doesn't believe in wrong and right no, he's not saying it because that would be a destructive and or a

non-productive way to label the situation because that would be a destructive and are a non-productive way to label the situation but because there exists no morality in his Bible-less world. Right, exactly. There is no wrong. Margas-Bree! My wife walks back into the room at this point, looks at the psychiatrist guy and she goes, is that, is he the devil? I mean, basically, in this movie. Pretty much. He's science personified, so yes, he's the devil in this movie pretty much he's science personified so yes He's the devil in this movie so yeah, basically his advice is go rape her main character guy go rape

Yeah, exactly because there is no wrong once and pills before you leave the next to the M&M's in the bowl on your right This is going grab a handful. I don't even know what's in there anymore. Aspirin, Zanex, Prozac, go fucking crazy. Just grind it up and snort it. Have a good Friday. So now we go back to the office here because he doesn't go on a murder spree now that he knows that there is no wrong apparently or maybe he does in the movie just ignores it. Ignores a lot of shit. And we learn that basically I guess he's torpedoing his own company so that the Brazilian chick won't go home. Yeah he's basically like so I've decided to release this this cyber security

that got hacked the other day I'm gonna release it on Monday and he's like hey man we can't do that it doesn't work and he's like what she's gonna go back to Brazil and she's not gonna keep talking to me over Chinese food which by the way doesn't matter because she doesn't stay anyways that's mine she's not gonna stay so I'm gonna put on a I'm gonna risk our entire company and he's like all right fine yeah he's like I'll get some resumes out excellent right he goes bait so then he goes into the computer room and talks to like the One of the guys who built the system and he's like say can you get this computer system ready by Monday morning and the guys like

Great Monday morning Well, he doesn't say what time because that's a secret as we'll find out which point we learn that the security breach is coming from inside the company Yeah, there's a rat in the house. So it's just like reservoir dogs now. Yeah, and now we get what's just kind of subtly this well That we got we come back to this so it's it's creepy or next time, but it's this incredibly creepy moment So it's creepy or next time, but it's this incredibly creepy moment Where he goes to the hotel that that Julia the Brazilian trick is staying at but he runs into David AR White who enters the film at this point And this of course was the friend that was you know with the other friend couple that split up because of an affair

As far as we know at this point. Yeah. And David A.R. White, again, he's acting as because he's sad, and we learned that he didn't have the, that we've been assuming throughout the movie that he had the affair, but actually his wife had the affair. Well, sort of, yes, uh-huh. Kind of, sort of, not actually. But Richard kind of had the, kind of, yes. So, he she kind of had the kind of yes So he basically says she had an affair by meeting someone on the internet that she's never met in person She met someone on an internet chat room. Uh-huh about investing. Yes, she's investing. So she fell in love with a Nigerian prince She got in her time machine. He went back to the chat room. He went back to the chat room for a thing.

And then she fell in love there. She fucked Marty McFly's mom. Yeah, and this is where the movie really lays down its thesis. They go to have coffee together, the main character, and David A.R. White. And David A.R. White's character defines the term emotional adultery. Yeah. This is a new one for me, which is basically what you call it when you're spouse or significant

other connects emotionally to other people. That's all I could fucking get from it. Yeah, because he's like, you know, at first they just talked about normal things, but then they shared other stuff like doubts, fears, hopes, and dreams, things that should be exclusive to a marriage. Right. And I was like, what? So what? You can't have friends. You can't have friends. That's the message of this movie. Exactly, exactly unless you're related to the fucking weather unless that person's got the same genitals as you. I guess, which is like, like, oh, you know, well, people wouldn't stop drowning, so we just had to get rid of all the water.

Right. Because he says, like, he's going like, uh, well, you know, it just starts with normal talking, and then it leads to an affair. And I'm like, well, but not all the time, because sometimes it's just talking. Right. So, yes, the message of this movie, I guess, is lock your wife in the fucking basement. Which is ironic, because what a great way to convince your wife to have an affair. No shit, yeah, exactly. Hey, I need you not to talk to anyone about your emotions, but me.

Okay, cool, I'm gonna go fuck the mail man. Yep, that's fine, just like no emotions. You're not gonna tell them about your hopes and dreams, right? No, no, we do it, doggy salad. Fine, he barely sees my face. All right, great. I'm off to Brazil to go chase this woman who I have pictures of on my phone.

Bye bye. Well, the main character has this brief moment of sanity that sneaks in where like David A. R. White's in, you know, yeah, I left her because she was emotionally connecting to a guy on the internet. And he's going like okay But how is that an affair and The characters say hey, well, you know, it's emotional and we're supposed to share

I'm in them like and I'm screaming at the TV. No, it's not that's let's just let's just settle on that guys Can't we yeah, that is not an affair? Yeah, how is that an affair? Oh, it's not but but I'm gonna keep talking anyways, which by the way, speaking of keep talking, there's a fantastic moment towards the end where he's like, well, I should go and he's like, you know what the worst part is? And the character's like, oh, all right. Well, you ignored the, I gotta go part, yeah.

I'm just gonna slowly sneak away. I just forgot my book. Oh, and I love the, I love the oh by the way that he, that he throws in there, which is, you know, we had a really good marriage Imagine what would happen if someone had a bad marriage It's all ominous and shit and then he gets the fuck out of there and again like you should if if like if you and I Were talking and you were telling me well, you know, I just I don't know you know problems with Anna

I'd say oh hey, let's have coffee and shit and if you said well, yeah, you know it seems like you know when we go to this store You know she seems like to smile at the guy at the cash register. I'd be like okay. I gotta go Yeah, I gotta go it's more important than this You you said that I need you to have real problems when we have these kind of talks I don't know man It's just like the other day and it was telling me that she like was talking to this guy in the line It's subway and like they both had a foot long on wheat, you know, so like I mean should I send her to poor family? That's what I guys for this next week. I'm gonna treat my fiance like this movies ideas propose

So just whenever she likes whenever someone's like what floor are you going to? I'm like oh you might as well just get balls deep in my fiance bro Just rip it out right in front of me really I'm standing right here Anna We go out to have dinner with some friends and they're like oh Anna can I have some of your tap? Is something like oh really just put your tongue on her mouth, man? Just put your fucking tongue on her mouth. Why don't we just stop beating around the bush? All right, and then okay, so now we go back to the office where we're suddenly reminded that there actually is real shit going on around this movie

It's just that the movie is ignoring it because his wife is shown up at the office He's very disappointed because when they when he realized there's a woman in his office he's hoping it's the Brazilian chick not the women woman that he actually has sex with. But she's there because she found the bills they just repossessed his fucking car they're in horrible debt and he hasn't told her about it now that that's the kind of stuff that ruins marriages guys not I fucking Brazilian chicks when your wife's not around Right exactly and if you're wondering if the character cares about the fact that her husband was in crippling debt and didn't tell her about it Not at all just she care about the fact that he has a question another weighty. Yes. That is the last quarter of this fucking movie

Oh my boy. We do move the the Josh Oh my boy, we do move the Josh the Josh 620 thing forward because Ryan the Unemployed Mark Ruffalo mm-hmm comes in and is very clearly snooping around to find out how he can hack into the system Because oh, yeah, yeah, she's not the hacker, but he's been helping the hacker Yeah, exactly so so and and he asks what time the launch is the next day and the guys like Hey man, that's that's need to know basis. I can't tell you that because that's how hacking works guys Yeah, I got the exact time they're gonna turn on their computer and then you're like hack at the same time Like it's like one of those lineup porn games where you got to get the thing that got to get the bar in the right place And you're like, ah fucker. Okay good good

So yeah, so he walks up to the guy who is the lead programmer for the security company and says, hey, you wanna violate security procedures and tell me what time this thing is and the guy's like, no, it's gonna security procedures. He's like, oh, come on. And he goes, hook a brother, come on. I don't do your job.

Yeah, all right, well, do the thing that isn't your job. And he's like, all right, okay. And that's what now that you put it like that. He might as well have tickled the internet passwords out of it Okay, okay Okay, it's red dog 87 red dog 87 All right now you've got the norad missile plans now so you

So then we go back to once again him sleeping in too late this time he's missing church So you know it's all gone to hell, but this and you've already alluded to this But this is the first time that we see that he has pictures of the Brazilian chick like face shots like like you know head shots He has her head shots. Yeah, it's very clearly this actresses head shots on his phone Yes, it has everything except like he might as well have the 8 by 10s If he had swiped to the next thing and it was a resume would have been like yes, she can be in this movie I guess so And this is the point where I wrote in my mind. Oh, okay

He is very clearly a stalker at this point. We are watching this is not unfair This is stalking yeah, and a problem in relationships by the way stalking another woman is problems in your relationship right right exactly exactly but again movies not gonna explore any of that so uh... this is so now we go to church where once again the fucking pastors talking about how you shouldn't i fuck brazilian women were fifty two minutes in by the way this is sermon number two uh... and what and i love among the many lines that the pastor gives is he's like,

one of the problems is that we try to rationalize. Let's not do that. And I'm like, there, well, there's Christianity in a nutshell right there. He wasn't actually, that was taken from an earlier thing where he was just talking about the walking on water thing. He was like, would you guys, we try to to rationalize, cannot person support themselves on water. Let's not, let's not try to do this. Whole religions not going to work out for you with the whole rest and possession thing people.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, and he also says, you need to daydream about your spouse. Where I wrote fucking the Brazilian chick. Yeah, I'm way ahead of you, Prisha. I've been doing that for half of this fucking movie, but that's not what he meant. He says, think about your wedding vows. I wrote jerk off to your wedding vows.

Yeah, right. At which point? So Anna watches all of these with me. And I was like, so I'm going to jerk off to our wedding vows. And she said, that's going to be weird, because I'm probably going to cry at our wedding. So it's going to be a weird thing for me to jerk off and cry at the same time and I said it's not gonna be weird for me. No, business and use. In fact, if I know you're crying, it makes it quicker. That's just a...

Well, while we chill on that frightening admission, we're gonna take a quick break for the sake of our collective sanity. So let me give act three the hard sell here well the wife find a skeleton that fits on her skin will the Brazilian chick take out a restraining order on main character man will this callous bastard miss another soccer game find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the exciting conclusion of Redeemed. Alright, everybody settle down. I want to call together this first meeting of the

Greyhats. Now obviously, of course, we're called the Greyhats because we're neither good nor evil. So does anybody have any new business? I do. Oh, yes, beige 111. What have you been up to, my friend? Well, I hacked the New Yorkricular exchange and change the font all right on how ambivalent of you excellent anybody else who i've got something i've got something met four thirty two something something more from you you have after you leaked all those naked pictures of those porn stars much more i've completely disabled the

being server people will be helpless without it. Oh fantastic. Well, gentlemen, now that business is out of the way, there please help yourself to some dried fruit and zima at the back. I also brought devil dogs. And we're back. When we last saw our hero, he was about to commit fraud. His company was falling apart around him and came out just showed up to read Poe's undergarments. Yet despite all that, we're focused on the fact that he kinda wants to still fuck the Brazilian liaison or hold her hand or fantasize about that or whatever.

So in an effort to keep her in the country, he's decided to show everybody how awesome the software that doesn't work at his big 938 meeting. Right, exactly. And not only only that but the bank has showed up you bank that repot his car showed up and he's like what are they doing here and then good good idea guy is like well they've got a lot invested in this and it's like the bank doesn't just get to come to a cyber security demonstration because you owe the money

uh... security demonstration because you owe the money. Hey, I'm Tony G from Tony's Tias. He also owes me $300. So I'm also going to see this cyber security demonstration. So then they fire up Jericho, this security software. And it occurs to me as we get to this point of the movie that I'm like, OK, I don't know how you would demonstrate security software Really in a demonstration, but that is not something that's occurred to anyone in this movie at all

You know like apparently he's just supposed to turn on his software and the fact that it doesn't get hacked is gonna be proof that it Worked right see see nobody nobody breaking into this shit Right, see? Nobody breaking into this shit. Look at this. Unfortunately, it all goes wrong because it does get hacked, but I would love to see it going right. Look at nothing happening, guys. But then he gets, they get hacked.

And here's in case you're wondering what happens when you get hacked. In case that's just a term that you hear and you're not familiar with it, what that means in computer terms is that suddenly a cartoon whack-a-mole appears on your... A fully animated cartoon whack-a-mole. Yes, exactly. First the hacker goes to Korea, South Korea. To obtain some animators to create a 10 to 30 second

animation of whack-a-mole whack-a-hack. Then he buys that animation, then he cacks into your system, and then uploads a video which you stream without a mission. I'm cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-cack-c without you knowing about it. Good hackers be making you punch yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. This week on Date Line. Right, so it's a terrible disaster and everybody starts walking out and laughing at him. And even Julia walks out on him, even Miss Santos.

Doesn't want to be around his failure ass anymore. Which is when we jump into a weird vanilla sky out on him even Miss Santos doesn't want to be around his failure ass anymore, which is when we jump into a weird vanilla sky kind of. Right Devils advocate. Yeah, it's walking down Broadway with no cars on it. Well, I love it because he's walking down the street and there's cars and then it's supposed to suddenly flash to the streets empty and there are no cars, but they didn't have the money to like, you know, like lock off a street that devil's advocate it so it's just they obviously just waited for a red light

and we're like go there's still cars like in the background and shit they're just not on these three blocks there's a hot dog vendor on the corner like you guys are blocking stuff so yeah so he runs around in the sort of empty or as empty as they could find streets yelling Julli-o! And again, his company is in the shitter. He owes a ton of money to everyone. His main product does not work and his problem is that the Brazilian chick he likes I fucking is gonna leave.

You have pictures of our on your phone now right you're good Yeah, you can just beat off to those you can have an affair with those by the standards of this movie Yeah, exactly have a have a full on a fair man But but don't worry because that that devil's advocate vanilla sky moment didn't actually happen No, that was yet another dream fantasy dream because then his porcupot shaved porcupine looking wife wakes him up and he has been saying her name in his sleep. Yes, he's been saying Julia in his sleep because that's how

life works. Right. Exactly. All we needed was for him to say Julia in his sleep and then gasp himself into an upright citizen writing position in the scene would have given no heart attack exactly and then he would have to fix a fucking or dismantle a bomb with a giant timer on it and we'd have been all set um cut the blue wire what that's not how why would they put a god damn timer on the bomb guys why would they put a giant digital fuck it anyway so you know I'm gonna put all my timers on my bombs yeah yeah of course but but off by four minutes oh hells yeah they never said that they're like quick go get the man boom

should I cut the blue wire or the done matter so so then she's like he's like Julia Julia in his wife wakes him up, who's Julia, you're screaming about her in your sleep and he says, let me explain it. She says, I will not let you explain. I'm like, okay, well, that's not very productive. Yeah, exactly. You just said he was gonna, but she's like,

why do you have pictures of her on your cell phone? That's a great question. Right, that's a great question. Yeah. That is, why do you have this woman's headshots on your cell phone? Why does she have headshots? She's a do you have this woman's head shots on your cell phone why does she have had shot season security expert why do you have them on your cell phone that the order of questions i have

i guess you went to her face book page or something but then he goes look i never touched the woman and she's and his wife says it doesn't make much of a difference does it and i'm like yes yes it very much does it really does it does to everyone else in the world. Yeah, because like she might as well fuck your boss I guess that's that that's the fucking message I don't I guess they think that's not the message that they're sending But they're sending the message that well, you know, this unconscious thing that you can't control is the same as fucking or say Yeah, mine as well fucker. Right. Yeah, exactly

So the message of this movie at well, but then at this at this at this point Then he's like trying to explain things to anybody goes. Oh come on Julia, which is in turn name And now to be fair. I forgot in the wife's name too. I don't remember Oh my fiance remembers my name one out of eight times she wants my attention I am usually Chris her best friend her brother and I would say one out of eight times I'm me. Yeah right right exactly I've accidentally called my wife by my little sister's name here and there. I mean I guess I have. Listen there's only one place you're not allowed to call the wrong name. We all know that. Listen there's only two of us in the house. She's out to name. I'm coming. All right. Greg, all right. Well, she probably wants me.

Yeah, exactly. What's up? I'm sorry, Eli. I know you know my name. What do you want? Bring me some juice. So apparently, this yelling her name in his sleep was too much.

So from this time, from this point on, he's going to go stay in a hotel since they have all this extra money to spend for him to stay in hotel. Yeah, so now we cut over to okay, so he's gone and everything's all fucked up or whatever So now we've got the scene where the wife is talking to Blond Kim Davis again and it starts off with her saying, you know, maybe I'm overthinking this and I'm like no No, no, no, no, you've never overthought anything in your life. You're just thinking about it wrong. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Maybe I've just put too much thought into this. Words and thoughts, magic. Yeah, super magic. And then her friend, it's like a, it's who can be stupider contest in this scene. I guess.

It's like a it's who can be stupider contest in this scene I guess like the experts might have a fancy word for it, but I call it Berk a dirt dirt I made a poop warm That sounds like infidelity to me now I reckon that damn dictionary I'll tell you Inferdality means something different but it but modern technology of books on paper just a little bit too fancy and so then we get this long that's what's so wrong with our generation now speech from the fucking what's wrong with her generation is harmless flirtation clearly god billionaire version of this movie just has a flash cut to bombed out a rack and some kid like holding a severed hand being like I actually disagree

Fancy cell phones I just I so look forward to you getting billionaire money. I meet you. So now this is This is an actual line from the movie and I had to go back to make sure I was getting this right, that it was actually the writers that fucked this up, not my ears, but this is an actual quote from this speech that the fat Southern friend is given to the wife. She says, Satan loses a major battle, loses a major battle, when we stop asking what's wrong with certain choices and start asking what's right with them.

Try to get some kind of like substance out of that sentence. I'll give you a second. Yeah, I have no idea what the, I wrote in my, I wrote, I have no idea what that means. She looks like Steve Buscemi in a wig. This is my head. I was like, okay, I'm gonna take that moment of nonsense to reflect on more things these people look like. Oh, I'm going to take that moment of nonsense to reflect on

more things these people look like. Oh, and by the way, this should be enough to give you the bingo on Christian movie bingo, because the wife says, what do I do? And the friend says, trust the Lord. Trust the Lord. Bingo. Zero things. Do nothing. Read a book and talk to your imaginary friend in the sky and it'll all be okay. Right. So, now we cut to them, I think the most creepy of the stalker scenes. He's gone back to the hotel now to see the Brazilian chick and she's left and he's brow beating the desk clerk. Oh, he grabs the desk clerk and he flees back to fucking waterboard him for whether or

not she went to a different hotel. Why would she go to a different hotel? That's the stupidest theory in the world. Right? Did she change hotels because she didn't like my cyber security demonstration? I'm sorry, I just can't stay in the Orlando hotel anymore after the Wack-a-Pack mall thing. I couldn't deal with it. I'm at the holiday inn now. No. Yeah, exactly. I couldn't afford it now that I saw shitting your company was so yeah So like he's he's trying to figure he's like, well, where did she go? Where did she go and the guys going like like dude I legally can't tell you that and he's like, you're terribly frightening at this point sir

But no, I can't violate the law and then he had some like five bucks and he's like, oh well in that case Yeah, there you go. I'm bribed now so She went to the hook she went to the fucking airport by the way as then he had some like five bucks and he's like oh well in that case yeah there you go i'm bribed now so she went to the hope she went to the fucking airport by the way is what he told her oh it looks like she went to the airport well that's where you go if you're trying to get to Brazil and that yeah it is we have maybe check with her also you have her cell phone call hey i wanted to catch you before you left nope just gonna follow you to your hotel like a fucking creeper at which point he gets a call from his security firm.

The bank has come to repossess apparently everything, but everyone is acting like the building has been invaded by terrorists. Yeah, they're hiding under a desk, shit. He's literally hiding, crouching like behind a wall, and he's like, how long can you hold him off? And I'm like, that's not how banks work. No, everything's very orderly

you know you're gonna come in the window we need that desk back and by the way this is also on the local news so that the wife can see it because that's the kind of stuff they talk about on the news the fact that some guy who owns a security company fell behind on his bills and it's as having stuff repossessed right so he takes this moment he is he has the bank in his employees are hiding there are terrorists in the deck is everyone in his life is basically living in a game of counterstrike so it takes a moment to have lunch at the food truck with David A.R. White just about

as a fair somewhere yes there's just a great moment when he's talking to David Where he's like hey listen man? I know you're going through a hard time But why is it an affair and I just wanted David's character to be like hey man fuck you my wife left me How about you don't excuse her actions right now? Yeah, right right but now again You've got it you've got to get all the way into this movie she did not leave him right the the postulation of this movie is that this guy David A. R. White's character found out that his wife was friends with someone online and so he left her right that's the good guy doing the good thing in this movie because when that happens a marriage

you know if she's friends with somebody on Facebook, it's fuck now. Right. So yeah, so he's kind of, he's kind of having like the, you know, like does this really count as a fair because like I check the dictionary and it says you're wrong. Oh no, no, no, those dictionaries are full of shit. You thought that was fancy modern dictionary. That's wrong with our generation.

I guess. So then we're back on the plane. Right, right, exactly. So keep in mind that the story that this guy has told this dude, A, has nothing to do with why he's going to Brazil, which is what he promised in the first place, B, it contains no information and C, has taken the bulk of a 14-hour flight.

I wanted so badly for him to just be like, so that's what I'm doing. And the guy goes, what a terrible terrible story So terrible I Leasing the whole time and I hate you now. Yeah, I hate you as a person for your terrible terrible story I was really hoping you would be more like forest gump I was really hoping you would be more like forest gump But he actually even says to him. He's like, but why are you going to Brazil? That was my question And like oh, I'm just I'm going to a business meeting and he's like, oh, you know, you could have said that You fuck which which he has the money to and by the way, he's going he has the money to fly to Brazil

Oh right, yeah And he also he's flying to Brazil to argue with their own analyst I guess apparently this woman is gonna go back and be like yeah, their system doesn't work some guy uploaded a fucking YouTube video to their system Definitely shouldn't work with them and he's gonna show it and be like guys Those are the what that bitch said She's fuck she fucking tempted me. She gave me all her head shots Well, she put them on she emailed them to someone and i know a guy at the ns a so uh... basically the same thing

i also love that the cyber security guy doesn't have his phone locked up to where his wife can't see what kind of pictures he's been exactly this and i started this phone with two security guys they would just watch my phone and tell my wife not to touch it so and now the fact fat guy on the plane, the Brazilian guy is saying, hey, while you are in Brazil,

maybe you should come to my church. And he's giving him his card, you know, come to this address in Brazil. And I'm thinking, God, Jesus, I want the fat guy to cut him up and eat him. I want him to show up and he's like, this doesn't look like a church. The fat guy just jumps out of the bushes,

where nothing but a fucking loincloth hacks him to death with a machete. And that's how this doesn't look like a church the fact I just jumps out of the bushes where nothing but a fucking loincloth Hacks him to death with a machete and that's how the fucking movie ends again credits when he like it's One eight Paul Paul was delicious The what a better ending for a movie. Oh my god. So he gets to to Brazil And he jumps in a cab and the guy says something to him in Portuguese because that's what they speak in Brazil and the guy's just like oh fuck I didn't didn't occur to me that I should know what language you guys talk in. Right. Different country different language that's on me. That's my dad. I didn't change my money. I didn't learn the language.

I didn't pick up a Portuguese phrases book, nothing. Right. So he's sitting in the back of the cab and he has this moment because he's got one card that has the, you know, the company he's supposed to go to, but he has another card that has the fat guy's church on it. And he's like, I came all this way to Brazil to go to this company. Should I save my company or should I go to church? Yeah, exactly. And of course, ultimately, he decides to go to church. But not before, oh,

I'm sorry, not before we have the obligatory wife praying for him seen. Right. Exactly. Please God call Paul and Uber and send him to church instead of to the company to save our livelihood. Yeah, I guess and I just want to point out because you know you were talking last week about the real bro Prayer that they had. Yeah, she's she's got a really flirty prayer. She's like, oh my god god. Have you been working out? You look amazing Seriously though, let me feel your arms god. Let me feel your arms. I Can feel it.

There's like a little muscle there. She talks to God like a stripper. Yes, exact. But you know, my God, honey, what do you do? So once again, by the way, another Christian movie sending us the message that it's the wife's job to fix the marriage and the marital infidelity with her Jesus magic. So if your marriage isn't fixed, it's because you're not doing enough Jesus magic. It's because there's not enough Jesus magic.

That's right. So he does. He goes to Brazilian church where he pays for the ride in American money, which is okay, apparently. I've done a fair amount of travel. No one's ever been okay with me paying it about American money, but... If you ever go to Mexico, they're really excited about it, but yeah, so Brazil might be the same way, but it at any rate Yeah, seems a little odd that I mean since you came out of the airport and there would have been a forex there

But at any rate I traveled to places with white people in them I go to I go to nice places on the yeah, yeah exactly when you go to France. Yeah, they don't want American money now I've got their own money over there. So he shows up at this That's where he this right now is in Mexico buying kids They've got a throne of boys in their apartment We promise we weren't going to talk about that. You give us so much editing work. So, yeah, so you walk into the Brazilian church, or the Brazilian church?

Of course, they're speaking Portuguese. Now luckily, they have gringo headphones right there. Also, this church is packed. There's like a Brazilian people in there. Ah! I waited the entire film! I waited the entire film! Oh yeah! Shit. You waited almost long enough for that to come out after we got done recording.

That's right. But so, okay so now again, and and again, we've alluded to this, but this is a, I don't know, like five minute scene. Five minutes sermon, sermon in Brazilian. In fucking Portuguese. Yes, exactly. Now it's subtitle, in case you want to read along with the God damn sermon, and it's just a generic, how about that Jesus type sermon? It's not like anything like specific to the movie is being revealed he says he says like all there's a man here who is said I've gone too far and what we want you to forgive him yeah yeah yeah and I wrote I wrote in my notes man this is like international talk about infidelity week because he's just talking about it this guy guy in Brazil's talking about it. Nobody's

reading Matthew's letters and Corinthians. No, apparently not. Lucky bastards. So then we get his, please forgive me, God moment where he's sitting in the hotel with his hotel Bible. Right. Where he says, I choose you. And I was like, yeah, Pokemon. I choose you, Lord. You tackle. Nope. Just brain Then I thought about what a shitty Pokemon God would be right God choose stop rape God is not listening right God is confused So then he goes to the Brazilian HQ. Yes, yeah exactly exactly exactly. And he comes in and he gives the craziest speech. This speech would make no sense in the movie but would make absolutely no sense in this context.

Oh my God. They're basically like, why are you here? And he's like, I just want you guys to know that I was ignoring my wife. I didn't know you were the shocker the account you sent me here. And the guys like, I'm sorry, Are you saying that Miss Santos was inappropriate? And he's like nope well in my fantasy she touched my hand, which was probably taken a little too far

But I just want you guys to know she was totally Professional and I was not and they're like cool you can leave should we have you escorted out? I took both of my medications at once. All righty. That's how fucking crazy this is. And then on this way out, she meets him. And she's like, Paul, would you like a tour of Rio? Because that's the polite thing to do.

And he offered her a tour. And he's like, sorry, honey. I'm married. Breakfast club, just like Johnson and Harold. Yeah, but I wanted that scene to extend and for her to be like, oh, rude. I was just offering to show you around because you offered. Yeah, right. Because he's like, no, I've got to go home to my wife. And she's like, well, I wasn't going to give you a hand job.

I just thought maybe you're, you know, you're right. Remember when you said, hey, do you want a tour of Los Angeles? We could go to OJ Simpson's housesons house by the way i googled him he's a murderer why would he be so let's say weird thing with it and then i as he's walking out because everyone in this movie is on the insane insane pages him she says she's a lucky woman paul and uh he goes no i'm the lucky one and i wanted her so bad to say no i i mean for surviving the hornet attack or whatever did that to her face

But yeah, no, I'm not for being married to you. I mean you came all the way to Brazil to I fuck me again And then we get some Christian country music while he's going home because the movie hasn't gotten bad enough So he has a big meeting now his office has been repossessed and if you remember the counter terrorists have already broken in and thrown smoke grenades as soon brandy has been shot through the chest with a shotgun blast I hope not she was the only character in the movie that I liked but he has a company meeting and the topic of his company meeting is not hey guys remember when the bank came and the cops were here and they took all the chairs?

It's just like, guys, I wanted to fuck another lady. That's the first part. And then the second part is about the Great Wall of China. Yeah, he's well, okay, well let's talk about this. He says, he says, the Great Wall of China was tall and strong But what they did is they bribed a guard to get through it. That is not true They just threw him a big thing a gold and he was like great. All right. All right I'll add in yeah, yeah See guys Ryan is comes from the western territories of California And he's a lot more similar to Jostics 20 than he is to us which came from the e we're a big old company oh sorry let me I'm gonna show you this map okay so this is uh this is the uh oh okay how do I work in the cons here the cons are bill gates and the uh the schism among the brothers

after he's okay let's we're gonna listen to this episode of hardcore history it's just a mere 25 hours you're gonna get it I fucked our company history. It's just the mere 25 hours. You're gonna get it. I fucked our company and I wanted to fuck another lady, but I like the TLDR. So, yeah, so after this long-stupid analogy about the Great Wall of China, he says, we found the hacker that was working for us.

Seems like that would have been fairly easy. You could just send him an email. And he's here right now to tell us how he hacked into our system. And of course, this is where we get the big reveal that, oh, Joss 620 is a reference to Joss, he was 620, which is where the walls of Jericho come down, which is what we named our goddamn thing. So anyway, guys, if I had a nickel for every high cacker that turned out to be a fundamentalist Christian I'd be a rich man

They just love the Bible. I guess yeah, that's how you really know somebody's into tech Um, but why would you name since we're on the subject anyway? Why would you name your internet security? name since we're on the subject anyway why would you name your internet security After a city that's famous for its wall falling down because somebody played the wrong note on a fucking trumpet So he hit the brown note and that's all it took to take down your entire fucking wall And that's what you name your goddamn security after give me a goddamn break We've got this new program going called Titanic. It's gonna be really great. It's a huge Database we're calling it the Titanic and then we've got the the German division's gonna be really great. It's a huge database. We're calling it the Titanic,

and then we've got the German division's gonna be called the Hindenburg, and then, yeah, then when we've got these double structure, we're gonna call the Twin Towers. So, and then he brings Joss 620 up, and he's telling this whole thing about, oh, you know, the Joss 620, it was a reference to Rayhab because you guys are a bunch of hookers, but the demonstration is gonna, it's supposed to be like be like there's a there's a rat in the house and jostics twenty is gonna You know gonna reveal him because even though he never met in person He has the guy's phone number who is the rat that's inside the company that he's been working with so he'll just call him and whoever's phone rings Is obviously the rat

right yet exactly because that's how the law work well and again so what you know in the movie in the context of the movie this sort of makes sense but in reality if you work for this company what happens is your boss just came up and said this guy you never know you never met before he's the one who knows who's the bad guy and uh... oh look he has ryan's phone number ryan must be the bad guy right exactly and by the way ryan could not be more guilty in this scene he keeps being like why

do we keep asking this hacker about stuff guys but why aren't we why are we even talking about this get this guy out of here and it's like no no this guy is the point of the meeting yeah but what are we talking about something else who wants to who wants to play some Egyptian rap street and my right uh... uh... something else who wants to who wants to play some Egyptian rap story am I right? I'll start dealing. I'll start dealing. Yeah, very, very clearly he's the bad guy here, but yeah.

Ryan just doesn't answer his phone in the hopes of like not getting caught like hey Ryan it's your phone. Do do do do do. Hey Ryan it's your phone. And Ryan's just like man someone's phone's ringing that's crazy. And who's just like, man, someone's phone's ringing. That's crazy. And who's phone is that? And look, I'm sorry, but like, okay.

If you went into the business meeting and didn't silence your phone in the first place, you'd be an asshole. Yeah. But also, like, I can shut my phone off without, you know, actually taking it out of my pocket. Just reaching in my pocket and silence it, and then you're like,

yeah. I just want everyone to know that Ryan's phone is ringing. I forgot that vibrates settings exist, but it's Ryan's. But now, of course he has to know it's we learned that it was all Ryan's fault and Ryan is the one and Ryan was going to like, I guess, try to torpedo the company so that he could sell Jericho himself because that's how things work. But because we have to tie this back into the him wanting the fuck the Brazilian chick, he turns to his whole team and he says, I apologize.

I was distracted by a woman. And I said to myself at that point, it's like, is this a pro Berka movie? Right. Is that, are they trying to bring Berka's back for Christian chicks to? We're going for the Sharia law side of the Christian industry. I guess, yeah.

They have so much in common. I also love this line because they're like trying to after everybody leaves the meeting or whatever. They're all trying to figure out why Ryan did what he did. One guy goes, he was working with Sistak and everybody's like, oh, and like that's supposed to be a big reveal. Like we don't even know who that is. It gets mentioned in one sentence at the beginning of the movie Sistak is the company that there was gonna buy them if the Brazilians didn't and he was like, oh no I don't like them. They play dirty. Yeah, exactly. They're one of those dirty plants. Iber security Yeah, exactly. We like it when they play clean

But I mean this is as much of a reveal as if at that point the movie they were like now why did he do it? Well it turned out he was a Sagittarius. Oh shit. I thought the whole time he was a fucking ares What was his rising sign? Oh And apparently the the Brazilians were so impressed by his It took crazy to alcohol speech that they've decided to buy his company i think they started feeling sorry for them to start thinking oh shit so this is probably a good company it's just that crazy guys in the at the head of it we should go ahead and

buy it we should buy a company and fire him because that man flew to Brazil to tell us that he wanted to fuck our analysts. Yeah, let's go ahead and buy that company. Exactly. If anything, we'll tell him that a wizard will curse him if he does not sell it to us. Ooh, he's hurt. And of course, the movie can't end quite yet because we haven't been, we haven't heard his vows yet. Exactly. So we cut to the Val Renewal ceremony where he has invited Marcos, the guy he met on the plane,

to come from Brazil, to his wedding Val Renewal. Then the minister guys like Marcos, would you like to say a few words? And the Marcos goes up and he's like Would you like to read your vows and that's it? That's what it does That's what Marcos does you came all the way from Brazil to stand up there and say I understand you guys wrote some Shit down or something right and then it and then basically Marcos goes If at the end of the ministers like I

Reporn out to and and Marcus goes we we now pronounce you and it's like no man that's not how it's not how it works. Oh okay I just all I got to do is announce the vows and I feel I feel stupid that's like a 75 hour flight because I'm too grand I don't have a place to stay. Can I crash with you guys? You know, we've got so many people in town right now, Marcos. Not that white, so. But then David, David A.R. whites come back. Wife comes back to him. Oh, but first we get this, this, is he gonna go shoot himself moment? Because during the vows, he's like- Oh, I was really hoping he was gonna go hang himself. Yeah, exactly. Because during the vows, he's like wanders off, he can't take it anymore. But yes, his wife comes back and apologizes

for following that dude on Twitter, I guess, or whatever. And I also like that at this point in the movie for the very first time, they allow the wife character to be kind of sexy from a distance. And then they get back close up to her and her neck looks like the back of balls or something. And it's just, yeah, exactly. And then we get a Bible passage that has nothing to do with this movie. No, it's just What's that second curtain these five 17 which is basically just yeah, Jesus, huh? How about that?

He's pretty awesome. Great as Jesus in my right. It's like they couldn't get permission for any other Bible Passage usually we got this Corinthians one if you want it fine. We'll take it. They'll just see that it was from the Bible and everyone will start clapping. Like Corinthians. Why would you not use the Jesus line about adultery being just looking at people?

Yeah. Happy is the man who dashes the children. Oh no, fuck no, put another one in there. Different one, different one. And then it's over I guess because they needed a place to put the credits. Yep, so I ask you You like in your opinion like who was the audience for this movie who was this meant for this at this movie was meant for Men who want to search through their wives slash girlfriends phone. Yeah, right? It's like they were like do you want to search through your girlfriend's phone?

Is there no movie to prove why you should be able to will strap on it for redeemed it's on Netflix we've got 90 minutes of why you should be able to read her face but that's just well see now i went just the other gender with it i i i thought that it was like maybe for middle-aged women who needed be you know didn't have it reassured to them that no they're right the way he talks to that little harlanded the jiffy loop is a reasonable thing to be pissed off about right that is a reasonable excuse to not have sex with him he smiled at the girl at the seven eleven right exactly this is this is the fat friend version of movies just like i don't know honey it starts with talking it starts with talking i've lost

three pounds by the way no you haven't jen you lost three pounds of just a low amount amount that no one's gonna be like no it doesn't look like you lost three pounds Yeah, I lost three pounds too look at us That what happens when you weigh yourself in the morning and then weigh yourself at night. I know that Fuck you Jim. I also noticed it and I'm surprised this hasn't occurred to me before but it seems like the vast majority of the religious movies that we watch especially the Pureflex movies these are movies that are made by failed actors failed directors failed producers etc. And they're always about how You can't be both the success and a good Husband slash father, you know

Like every one of these movies is being set up so that they can point it to their wife and say see I may not make any money, but I've always been a fucking soccer game and it's one or the other right listen Listen you had to choose you had to choose did you want me to put food on the table or did you want me to be there when there's no food on the table? So in keeping with our idiosyncratic rating system I'd like to wrap up by asking ELA that you would imagine that you're trapped on a 14 hour flight to Brazil. The person next to you turns to you and strikes up a conversation even more boring than the conversation at the center of this movie. So I ask you, what would that conversation have to be about? I think this person would just have to say the word flint for 14 hours in a row if they were just like flint

flint flint flint I think I think 14 hours of that I'd be like yeah, this is worse than that movie But not much worse not more you could fall asleep to a repetitive flint I could start to techno dance like flint flint flint flint so yeah, maybe I don't know I think I got it if I were this this Portuguese guy I he would have made it about three seconds to, if I were this, this Portuguese guy, I, he would have made it about three seconds in before my

headphones were and I would have been like, I'm so, so I gotta, I gotta catch up on this book on tape. I'm listening to the great courses right now. So, this sounds really rough what you're going through though. Talk to a shrink, they're great. Yeah, they'll give you a drugs. That's all they'll do. And I guess that's gonna do it for our review of Redeem, but that's not gonna do it for

the episode quite yet, because apparently I'm not done gay emotional cheating on my wife with Eli quite yet. So before we let you go, we've gotta get y'all hot and bothered for next week's episode with a little preview review. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? A thief in the night. Alright, everyone's been, this is by far our most requested film uh it is of course a nineteen seventies kind of her trilogy about how Satan is coming for your soul

yeah and got the preview to this movie makes absolutely no sense like this preview the only preview we could find online is just random flashes of like a guy getting attacked by a cobra, a lady running, and then like 1970s psychedelia. But what I have heard, I have not seen the movie yet, but what I have heard, it appears that this was just all intended to scare children anywhere from the early seventies to the late eighties. So I'm looking forward to it. It looks like some super low quality filmmaking. Yeah, and super low quality filmmaking from an era where that really meant something.

Yeah, exactly. This, we're looking at international guerrilla J quality. Well, because look, I mean, now a days you can get something like the lock-in. Well, that's just two guys, three guys or whatever they got together and they're like hey I'll let us use the church all night and we'll be able to jerk off and that awesome baptismal together if we tell them we're making a movie right That's all it takes but when this movie was made making a movie was a big fucking production even if it was terrible So the fact that this never existed. Yeah Crafth services. Yes, right, right.

Oh, I can't wait for it. Yeah, no shit, from what I understand, this is the movie we were made for. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 11 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful, and thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. You can also help us ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your

life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnick, I'm Noah Luzion's promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you. telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you.