God Awful Movies - 110: GAM110 Agent Emes: Rabbi-napped!

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

In this week's episode, Heath unconvincingly insists he has plenty of Jewish friends. --- If you’d like so see us live, check out our latest tour dates here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

This is how dumb mom is. There's an earthquake. She looks upstairs and she says, shimmy what did I say about bouncing that basketball? She's getting mad at her lover. She's gonna discipline him. He's gonna hit him with a wooden spoon. Hit him with a wooden spoon. What relationship is not about wooden spoons. What? The relationship makes a lot more sense right now.

I'm gonna throw that out there. It's not that he doesn't like labels. It's that they're way too complicated at this point. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who's got lots of Jewish friends? Me. I do.

That's what I'm status that really. Me. Yeah, me too, me too. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick speaking of which Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I just found out I'm lots of people. I'm pretty good. I'm a whole bunch of people.

I always thought I was just me. Well, there's also that girl with whom he doesn't have titles. They are their buddies. They are pals. Well, pals would be unlabeled. Chums also would be a label. Jewish would not be a label. They're both not Jewish. I have many real Jewish friends is what I'm talking about. Oh, I got you. Genuine Jews. All right. So speaking of which, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Agent M.S. Rabbi napped, which is episode two of the Agent M.S.

series, a Yidd Flick's original. I missed part one. So I was kind of lost. Um, as far as I could tell from the limited number of comprehensible English words, it's the story of a young Jewish boy who's also secretly a vigilante crime fighter in his spare time. But only for crimes against Jewish people because he's like a bigot. He's weird.

It's a weird story. He's like the Israel of crime fighters. Like a real superpower that's pretty much just concerned with the Jews. Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this? Let's say movie because that's what I usually say. Well, if you loved the core, but you wish Keanu Reeves were just a little less Jewish, you will love this way. It's basically the core, but you wish Kiana Reeves were just a little less Jewish. You will love this way. It's basically the core. It's the core. Do you think Kiana Reeves was in the core? I think a lot of things was a two sum extent. I was about her quakes. Yeah. So, okay. Now, I should point out because we teased on last

week's episode that we're going to have Moishi back for this one. And we wanted to have Moishi back and we were going to have Moishi back, but he was not able to join us. Eli, do you want to tell the audience truth or do you want to just make some shit up? I will say he was eaten by bears. He was eaten by bears, unfortunately, fighting crime secretly. All right. Well now, of course, as he's already mentioned, he was not here for episode one of Agent

Emma. So Eli, would you want to maybe sum up what he missed in the previous installment? Okay. So in the Europe, in like the early 18th, all the way up into modern days, the Jews started inner breeding. Who's a lot of us. And so it's really homogenized us as a people. And then in 1995, someone got their hands on a camera. Agent Emma. I know there you go.

Okay. So I did catch most of it. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I got a couple. Best worst bully, first of all, the kid that's supposed to be a bully supposed to be intimidating the main character, but it's Paul Fyfer from the one years. It's not. You can't intimidate anyone with Paul Fyfer from the one years. No. Also, best worst, literal game of sports ball. And what they're literally supposed to like, oh, it's kids playing sports. They're just playing all the balls throwing them the sports balls.

No, no, as soon as I saw that, I thought, man, this is, they're not even, they can't even fuck this up correctly. It really was, it really was Angelo's drawing, right? The guy in the football uniform hitting a basketball with a baseball bat. Yeah. So I wanted to give this one best worst tying. All right. There's a point in this movie where a bunch of the good guys are all tied up, except for like ropes aren't attached to anything. The nots you can see that it's just a little like it's like a shoelace

knot on them. Some of them are just standing there with their wrists together. If you have worn a bracelet, you have been more tied up. Yeah, that's right. I'm just going to point out how stiff the competition is here in the movie International Gorillas. Like when they had to tie up the good guys, they tied them up to like sideways ladders by the nuts and, you know, we've seen some weird fucking tying before, but never anything as bad as this one. That doesn't even count our personal lives, people. I want to go with best worst reason for earthquakes. This movie, we're gonna get to it, but this movie basically proposes that God literally will cause earthquakes

if Jewish kids don't learn Torah. Yes. Is that in the books? I don't. Did you read the ones I read? I didn't read them, but I feel like someone would have pointed it out. I mean, I feel like threatening kids with a lump of coal is pretty bad. This is far worse.

Yeah. All right. Well, it is my understanding now that if Jews take too long a break from Jewing, we're going to get typhoons and earthquakes and shits. So we're going to give Eli a quick break. And when we come back, we'll dig into all the Yiddish yammering that is, Agent Thomas, Rabbi Napt. Okay, Dr. Loathev, I got one. Excellent.

With the rabbis all kidnapped, the Jewish people will lose Hashem's protection. Okay. Why do you say Hashem like that? Huh? That's like a thing Jews do. Just say God. Let's get met on me. All right.

Huh? Where am I? Oh, Rabbi, you're awake. You see, we've kidnapped you in order to, sorry, I'm not a rabbi doing a, you know what? I'm not, I'm not a rabbi. But yeah, you have the beard and the hat. Yeah, pretty sure. No, I'm, I'm just an Orthodox Jew. It's not a reality. Well, what do the rabbis look like then? Like, is people? Yeah. Like me.

We all dress and look pretty identical. It's kind of our thing. Well, shit. I did not account for that. Yeah, this is awkward. Oh. Can I go? Yeah. Yeah.

Boruchashev, you can go. See that, that right there. So I'm talking about that's weird. You would say that. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on a suburban street in Spitzberg. Which is Spitzberg. Get it. Why? Why did I have to do that?

Could they not get the rights to Pittsburgh? Is that thing you have to get? Weird. I'm surprised they didn't go with Schspitzberg. Yeah, well, right. Right. Yeah, in front of something, I guess that's the lowest form of, you know, whatever self-deprecating Jewish humor.

So, yeah, so we open up on this thing and they clearly think this is hilarious because they keep going back to it and every of you, the wings of the camera when they say it, you know, what in Schbitzberg here? Yeah, but at any rate. So we start off with a narrator telling us about another beautiful Schbitzberg morning. And we're looking at a suburban neighborhood and the narrator is telling us that the Jews are preparing to rock back and forth insanely. Oh, dovon. Okay.

That's the seizure that they have at sundown at the kosher stayhouse. I've seen this. Okay. All of my notes for this scene is, what do you think that is? Heat. What is that? Is he? What do you think those are?

He. That is a mild choreographed seizure at sundown at the court. That's a good ol' maree. Midtown is nice. All right. So we cut to the room where they're going to rock them back and forth like sexual abuse victims. But unfortunately, M.E.S.

Der has ruined his cube of horse dung. His grandfather's rubber nunchucks. What? What? All right, please tell me. The word was, I believe flingings and flingings. These are to fill in. And they are, they are magic boxes. Wait, I'm sorry. There are rubber. In that word, wasn't there? That word started with that. They're to fill in and they're super important magic boxes filled with a portion of the Torah. And this is the greatest thing in the universe. And I genuinely laughed at this, even when I was Jewish, even when I was like, hey, he's

up there. I was like, what the fucking stupid. There is a prayer where it says, you usually love your guy with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul. And this which I command to you, you will bind as a sign upon your hand and a sign upon your heart and a sign upon your head, right?

And the juice took that as what we got to do is we got to take that and put it in a box and wrap it around our head and our heart and our hand. No, I actually, I actually go go this. You see pictures of Jewish people wearing it like a coal miner's light and wearing it and they, they, they, there's leather straps on it. That's why there's none shocks there. Can you?

So they wrap it around their, it looks like dominatrix going around their arms with, yeah, it's really weird. You wrap it around and the way you wrap, so you wrap it around your head. I mean, pretty cash. There's not a lot of it. Just get it up there, side upon your head. Let's not get crazy. But in your arm, you actually spell out the name of God in the leather straps as you wrap them. Oh, it's a shun, it's a shun and then a yav and then a yud. You do like, and then you do a fancy knot around your hand so that you've got Hebrew letters on there as well. So it's a whole SNM thing and you know, you know that this tradition originated with some

Jewish guy like all wrapped up his wife and wife in the room and his friends come in and they're like, oh, wow. Abe, what are you doing? And he's like, oh, to fill in, God.

I'm sorry, what? To fill in, it's like a super important religious thing. Sorry, I take God's word seriously. As you can see, God's name is spiral of leather on my body. That's how it's spelled. Oh, and I have this erection because I'm super excited So what we see happen in this scene is his to fill in crumble because hey, it's not enough just to wrap yourself in magic boxes to fill in crumble because hey, it's not enough just to wrap yourself in magic boxes. It is a huge deal that you have to pass the boxes down to your son and your son has to pack and go into his son.

My mother made the very wise choice of giving my father's to fill into a friend who believes in God's name, wearing them and only them out on our live show in Israel. It's a good choice, mom. It's a good judge. So she gave him a friend who's pleased and got, but the thing is they, they, they age over time and it's this huge upsetting deal when they, when they crumble. It's like grandma's earn getting knocked over by the cat is, but it happens to every Jew, every Jew, every 12 generations, they go, hey, I've had a wet box full of paper for 12 generations.

Look, look inside. Oh my God. Oh, so that's what we are witnessing. All right. Yeah. So now all my notes assume that there was just supposed to be a cube of horse done because that's clearly what it crumbles into. But it's good to know that it's even fucking weirder than that.

So this one, the one Jew has his to fill in crumble and he passes out from the shame of it all. So the other rabbi's going to drag him out of the temple like that one friend at the bar, but outside is a hog tied human and a mustache you child. Oh yeah, because it actually, they didn't crumble. It was a bad non Jewish person switched his to fill in and Emma caught him. Maybe for a cube of horse dung, no, that's what he switched it for.

Oh shit. There you go. Coming together, this is well-written film. That's what we're saying. Yeah. So yeah, and clearly, of course, because something bad happened to the Jews, it was Dr. Low Tav's fault. His agents were trying to ruin the mitzvah. Yeah. And by the way, Agent Emmis is the kid with the mustache shows up here. He says, I believe burrito gentlemen. As well. Now, like I said, I have a lot of Jewish friends. Um, when you say hi, you name a Mexican food.

Am I remembering this correctly? Mexican pizza, gentlemen. How are you? So all right. Yeah. There is a ton of my notes are just me trying to like phonetically sound out what's happening. Yeah, right here, I just have you save the day again, Agent Emma's.

I'm just glad I got here before burp vomit sound. But yeah, so all the rabbis are really happy that he managed to catch the guy who was trying to ruin the mitzvah. So they invite him in to burp vomit sound, but he can't stay. He's got important obligations. He's got to make it to school. He's got to make it to school. And there's this weird moment where just before he leaves, he's like, all right, I'm off. And one of the Jews is like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a question. And he's like, no, no, I have to go. I think it's a weird scene halting moment where they add up four seconds because they

needed it. I don't. Yeah, right. Yeah, you wanted some impact there, I guess. And then we get to marvelous introduction sequence. Now, of course, you and I, Eli Eli have already seen this and we've already discussed this with Moishia and Air, but this is Heath's first time through. And I'm going to just say it didn't get less silly on the second view. But Heath, would you care to describe sort of the, the, the flavor of the opening sequence

here? Sure. Well, Shimey Epstein is just a normal Jewish kid. He has rabbi, teach him stuff and he buys chocolate bars, except, however, when the forces of evil show up, he turns into Agent Amos, forces of evil, by the way, are people who sneak goyum hot dogs into the coach's supermarket that are clearly labeled trapeh dogs. Yeah, right. And the blind Jewish people just pick them up and they buy them unless Agent Amos is there. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like the worst thing that character is doing is stealing the kosher hot dogs, right? I mean, this is like low level shoplifting. Well, we should point out that all of the Jews, and look, it's not like Jews don't know what people who don't like the Jews do to Jews. They don't like swap out our shit. You don't know this. They fucking shoot us.

Yeah, all the time. It's a real bummer. I've done the swap out thing, never the shooting. Fuck with my friend, Israel, college, I have cut the a-roof line occasionally. I have not pogromed anyone. Okay. I have a couple questions about this opening scene. So this was a plot that involved one Jewish guy eating non-coach or hot dogs.

That would, well, he may have fed them to his family. That was, it only takes one. One, once you have the taste of trief in your mouth, you can go back. Okay, but does that even count if you get tricked into the tray? I feel like that. I don't know if someone injects you with heroin

while you're asleep, you wake up addicted to heroin. Yes, yes, but does God then punish you for the heroin addiction? Absolutely. Of course he does. Have you ever met a heroin

addict who hasn't been punished for it? Have you ever met a Jew who didn't feel guilty about something? Okay. All right. Asked and answered. As said, um, full circle. Uh, one other question, can a rabbi bless food already in your stomach and fix it? Can he, can he sneak in there? No, because it's about the, it's about the killing and the preparation. I don't think you can magic spell it once you're in

it. It's once the salivary amulet. Iary amulets touches it. It's a thing with the chemical reactions. Well, no, it's how the animal gets killed and whether or not it had clove and feet. I feel like we should all rock back and forth and talk it once. Okay. That's the only real way to solve important questions like this. We want to reenact reason Conway can already. I'm already go once a year or a rod trying to interview us at QED. How about that? We're not drunk. No, we were not drunk.

No, we as an I was drinking all three of the rounds of drinks that everybody would buy for you guys and me and I drink them all. And it was very, very, do we have to take one for the team there? Heath, we appreciate it. So then we get how did that interview go by the way? It went really well. It went really well. We got invited Australia somehow.

Really. Am I? If I didn't with Iran being like, I want to fly these guys across the world. Yeah. He can come to I guess if we can agree to it, whatever. Yeah, no, no, he's like, no, yeah, but we get a kick back on how many drinks are purchased. So okay, that must be it. All right, so then we get the amazing secret agent, Emma's theme song, which honestly, like not, I'm not even fucking with you.

This has been stuck in my head since the last one we did. Oh, try not to fuck to this music. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So now last time we did it, we actually played the song in the episode. I don't want to do that again, because I was thinking, you know, Skype delays make duets work out so well. So Eli, you want to sing Agent Emma's with me?

Uh, I'm ready. All right. Secret Agent Emma's. He's the kid who's always looking for truth. When no parents, I'm dead. I don't know. Agent Emily always gets the black turns was the lyric there. The boy in disguise for Jesus and lies to save the world for all. Oh, don't interrupt. Torin. This was back with Emma. Emma's the call. Everybody. Secret agent.

Emma. She's the kid who's always looking for proof. All right, we'll cut that. So I just want to see how we work out. Probably some of us had music training. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No's fine.

No big deal. We could he use the little trumpet back up. That's super loud. We'll put that in and post. All right. So now we get the episode started proper. We cut to Emma's alter ego, shimmy. And of course, because he was so busy saving the to fill in, he's getting to school late.

Now this will be the first of many times where we get to watch them try desperately to edit this in such a way as to make this child look coordinated. So he's running. So it's hilarious. All right. I didn't, I've always run in a way that's hilarious. And I was like, look at me run. I should probably be a comedian for a living.

That's a two thing. We all run, we all have reverse running arms. Like our arms are posing swastika handles in each moment so that if you freeze the frame at any point, that's what the symbol is. I don't know a lot of people know that. I think it's a Hindu thing. Jewish arms is what you what he's saying. Exactly.

Yeah, learn something new every day. Yeah, so he's running up to the school right away. This is one of my favorite moments. This is the little thing. He sees a tree and he's like, all right, I'm going to park where the shit out of this tree. Runs up to it like he's going to do like a big like ladden swing around it on a pole thing. But he's just like, nope, nope. Get really close to it. He's like, that nope, just going to touch it and awkwardly

run past cool. And then we get to him get into the fence, which he is going to climb over. And we did, I love this fucking cut. The kid jumps four inches in the air. We see the jump peak, right? His hands are three feet from the top of this fence. And then we cut to his hands touching the fence and some Jewish guy below and going, all right, stop stepping on my nuts, though. You'll feed a hit in my nuts. And the amazing thing is they go from like, all right, I get it. Cut it together. Kind of cute. They can't jump off fence. But then the thing they cut together next is him just climbing in a window, like not a high window.

Right. I wanted them to as he sits in his chair to cut it down. He's like lower it starts to lower himself down. I'm just getting the chair. Oh, and she's like any struggles through this window. Like it's the final obstacle on Ninja fucking warrior. But the and what's amazing about this is that what we're trying to set up is this kid is super coordinated, June ninja.

And this is the best they can do. Even with the magic of cinematography. All right. So this is where class begins, and I believe it begins on the words, how medium please close your hookah machem. Uh, yeah. Okay. I don't understand the words in this movie a lot. Tell me them please close your hookah. Machen. Uh, yeah. Okay.

I don't understand the words in this movie a lot. I understand the verbs though in the movie. Like it's a lot of English verbs. Why is it only a noun that are Hebrew? Yeah, there's a lot of... Why not? Why not? Why not?

You're not welcome to our nouns, but you are welcome to our verbs. Do you guys have verbs? We prefer not a very active people. We're not a very active person. We're not a very active person. We prefer an adverb. We like to make quickly, not necessarily quick. You just like to quickly, you mean? You know, sometimes you a little quickly.

So what he said, by the way, was Talmeed, you can close your chumushim, but I mean, you know, you go your chikups over here, which means you can close your chumushum, but I mean, you know, you go your cup's over here, which means you're going to close your books, which if you said it in English, the goyum would hear and they would know our books would close. And we're going to find out what the consequences are from that. Okay. And what was the, uh, N word you just used for me and Noah? Very clearly. Oh, that would be goyum.

And, uh, you are. And we have an n word. What is the what is the n word for goyam in in july? It's not for goyam. It's for African American. Oh, you guys have your own. Oh, you guys say African American. That's your end word.

Okay. Let's not dig into that one. I don't you're off the hook suddenly. I like speaking of conferences. Don't you guys? Did you not want to do that anymore? So, so okay. And I also, okay. So the class begins and it begins on a pop quiz. But before we talk about the quiz, I just want to talk about the placement of the desk. What's going on there?

Shimmie and his buddies desk are insanely close together. Like, like, if Shimmie wants out, he has to pass ass first in front of his buddy. Like he's flying southwest. It's just like two main character desks and then the rest. Yeah. Spread. I was like a wedding. It's like there were two main characters getting married. Everybody else is spread out through the room. Should we move the camera back?

No, smash those two together. We can't move cameras. We can only move the props. It's like watching Heath trying to lower himself into a Ryan air airplane. There's already someone sitting in this. Yes, sir, that is. And we're going to need your trust in sight. Him. I just lowered slowly as like air was releasing around the side of me for like 10 minutes. And I slowly my ass shaped and then the flight was over. Yeah, right. And we got there. So I was almost to the bottom of the seat.

All right. So now we cut to Dr. Lottoves, perpetually hallowed and cheesy lightning headquarters. Yeah. Where heath for the first time gets to meet Dr. Lotov and his, uh, and his sidekick Clarence. Clarence. He has had it up to here with the Jews and their mitzvahs. Yes. That's good deeds, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's where all the anti-Semitism comes from. It's the good deeds The caperat chicken masqueras that's unrelated to good Fucking good deeds they do they're so good

Because everyone else is a Satanist they hate goodness I get it in reality the bad guys just some dude in Brooklyn who's like, hey, can you not do this a 10,000 chicken slaughterhouse Right, yeah, anywhere else with that I,000 chicken slaughterhouse. The sidewalk picks them out. Right. Anywhere else with that? Top of my head slaughterhouse. I know. We have places for that. I've heard that sentence a lot. I grew up in Georgia, but Mitzvah's was never the last word. You know, I've heard a lot of like I've had it up to here with the Jews and their blank,

but Mitzvah was never the trigger. But it was papers. So yeah. So of course, Dr. Lothav is allergic to goodness. But as long as the Jews have Hashem's protection, he realizes he'll always be thwarted. Now, do you guys know the Hashem thing? I don't. The name for God. That's all I know. So it's the name for't. The probably not name for God. Yes. So it's the name for God, but it doesn't mean

God. It's not like Steve in Hebrew. It means the name because the Jewish unspeak and I grew up afraid of this like fucking Walmart. The Jews call their God Yahweh, right? Right. They're never supposed to say Yahweh. It's like a big deal to never say y'all, so instead they say, Hashem, which literally means the name. So when we have, so

they literally do it. You know who God is. It's the important thing. So if you ever want to freak out some Jews, like if you get surrounded, it's a dark night. It's even though it's hot, there's a bunch of guys dressed in black walking behind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to go get a scam. That I appreciate you giving us good juice scattering advice on this podcast. That makes it. We can go in the educational. It's not hard to scatter juice. Let me tell you at this point in history. We scatter real easy. Sometimes I scatter just for the fun of it.

I just start right now. The letters of Yahweh. I'll do it. I'll do it without a hype of you. You have a head, bow, bow and a half. Yeah. So one, two, you better be spelling. Yeah, well, you better be.

So, yeah, well, you better be. So, yeah, so Dr. Loathev has realized that the only way he's going to be able to thwart the shoes is to first thwart God. Now, this might strike you as going over your shoulder to scratch your ass. Good plan. Well, but yeah, exactly unless you know you got in how easy he is to fool. Yeah. So no, we'll just make it stop at every floor. And then we're not pushing a button.

It doesn't. Yeah. So that actually is a pretty good idea. And they underscore how good an idea it is with a quick evil cackling. They do. They have a nice mutual cackling. And their dynamic is just like the Bible man villain from the last one we did and his weird sidekick. Yep. I was waiting for the pan over and it's them just also there like, hey, we're

pretty much the same dynamic. Do you guys see the truth? Do you think I was going to snow? Way. I hate the Christians. We just all. It's all right. Okay. It's close. We're amazing. Maybe we could get together and hate a Muslim. Do a fun summer, just get away from it. Oh, you know, man, are you fucking your sidekick? Yes.

It's a sad shame that we're not going to get a Dr. Lotov and Clarence musical number in this one. That's, this really could have used a little more Bible man oomph. You know, even a production value like Bible man. So, so by men pretty much stole this. Another steal from the juice thing. And my B might be. I have checked the years. All right. So meanwhile, back at the school, the kids are taking a pop quiz. They're very unhappy about this. And we get this, this very long, porny shot of the rabbis ass as he's walking down the, the row, checking all the kids papers. Yeah, it, it, honestly, if someone could sink in like, well, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, it would make a sense. But instead, it's just like the really, really close shot of his rounded cheeks and children very clearly pretending to take a test on blank pieces of paper. Yeah, but he gets to the back and it looks like the one of the kids is Mojishayam, the bowling. Mojishayam is a... Mojishayam? Mojishayam is Mojishayam. That means Mojishayam. Mojishayam. Mojishayam.

Mojishayam. It's like thug life in my head, I think. So yeah, but Mojishayam seems to be cheating because he's got his Hamash open to the same Krapakh that the Ham is about. He's got his Hamash open to the same rapass that the ham is about. He's got his homage open to the partial in question. I mean, the antics, the antics. This was a good part.

I mean, you got to admit that was pretty good. Yeah. No, sure was. But now something incredibly, incredibly important is about to happen. And I genuinely do not know if this is true or not. Cause the rabbi goes, which of you studied your Torah portion and they all tried whistle and they all failed and can't whistle.

But here's the crazy thing. I don't know if Jews just can't whistle because I can't whistle. He's girlfriend can't whistle. I don't know any Jewish I can't whistle. He's girlfriend can't whistle. I don't know any Jewish people who can whistle. And I have not been able to confirm a single Jew who can whistle. And all the kids do the same thing that you and Richard

and they're like, I can't whistle pretend like, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. That's all, whoo, whoo, whoo. And who's more to say? If you've ever tried to teach someone to whistle, you're a fucking asshole. Cause everyone does the same thing. They go Eli, it's actually really easy. And then they put their mouth into an O, which I could fucking see and they blow and whistle

comes out. And I'm over there going, or I try to sing into it. They're like, it makes a note. So I'm like, so as far as I know until I'm otherwise proved wrong, Jews genetically can't whistle. Well, these kids didn't have the lungs for it. Very clearly. Like there were kids like about to pass the fuck out from trying to go for like two seconds. Yeah.

Yeah, right. So they're all like trying to, they're doing the like, we, you know, oh, we didn't study whistle or whatever. This goes on for quite a while. And they're, they commit to it like a family guy bit. But they don't know they're doing that. Right. Yeah. But this is where the rabbi says, and this is so amazing to me, not just the statement, but the way he backs it up. The rabbi says to the kids, look kids, learning Torah is the most important thing you could be doing with your lives right now.

It's not even a little. I just want a kid to like close his laptop. He like, oh, it's my, uh, where are my program? Just shut down arounds nuclear program. What's that? What's that? What's that? Revy about the Torah? The first five books of that murdery Bible? Well, that's what's crazy is this book, this movie isn't aware of that because the kids like, yeah, but it's not the only thing, right? And the rabbi's like, it's pretty much the only thing. Well, it explains to him that if Jewish boys don't learn the Torah, the universe will implode. Hello.

Yeah. The universe. Okay. Here's the great thing. All right. This is awesome. And look, I know that a lot of our listeners are Christian. We only have a couple of Jews in there, but the great thing about Jews is that our metaphors,

they're pretty broad. They're pretty obvious. It's like, uh, yeah, Moses promised God the children of Israel. And you're like, oh, yeah, of course the people of Israel like a generation of, nope, if you wear a black, the literal fucking children, just the children. I really wanted to. In fact, everybody know about birthright. You guys remember that? All your friends got a trip to Israel where the fuck are they going? And then you come back and they're like, oh yeah, it was super fun. Birthright is all based on the idea that it has to literally be children.

That's what you can't do it as an adult. Wait, wait, wait, children of Israel. So you have to go to Israel to make them go to Israel. You have to go to Israel for free trip to Israel for being Jewish You know, for being true, but only when you're young at a certain age, like, you're not a child of Israel anymore. Get the fuck out of here. So many of my friends did that. I knew about that. I didn't, I think you should have so many Jewish friends as, as we've already established. See, I felt like I was even dropping here, right? This was like listening to the Scientologist

talking about Z knew when they didn't know you were around or something. Because like, look, I mean, I had a few Jewish friends growing up when I was living in Detroit, not when I was living in Georgia. They didn't have Jews down there. But like, I did work at a lot of like bar mitzvahs and I did a lot of like Jewish birthday parties and stuff like that. So I've been in a lot of Jewish houses, even Orthodox houses. And they, they do a pretty good job of hiding the real crazy. Oh, yeah. And but but apparently all you have to do is look at, look at their kids shows and they lay it right out for you.

Oh, well, this because this is the indoctrination station. You're right. This is what we sell ourselves. Exactly. station you're right this is what we sell ourselves he exactly the movie coming out on Netflix I think we're not gonna look great that looks not fun I watched everyone I know sent me that and was like oh dude like this is by the people who made Jesus camp and I just watched it like a horror movie Oh, they're finding out this is your good

Shana for the goiim the movie great So the rabbi promises the children that the world will end and then one of the children goes I'm even extras in this show are like are you sure about that dude skip the part about killing the gay people with rocks. I said, next we're done. So, yeah. So now that we've clearly established that without Jewish kids learning the Torah, the world would literally explode. We have to cut to Clarence and Lothav, comically pulling off some Gestapo shit. Yeah. They're, they're, they're chloroforming all the rabbites.

Yeah, well, and, and again, this is being played as slapstick. You know, I just wanted Clarence to go into like a dairy farm or something like that. You know, completely replay the opening scene from Inglorious Bastards or something, but no, they're just like a rabbi, I'll walk up and Lotov will jump out of his car and put chloroform over him and then they'll comically try to get him into the car. I think, yeah, it was slapstick, but I think it was accidental slapstick because the difficulty of them getting these supposed to be past out bodies in the car felt 100% not acting. Like, the rabbi is supposed to be on cars, they're all like clearly pissed. One was like, Oh, you're inside of me like stop.

Stop. We'll start again, you're inside of me. Like stop. Stop. We'll start again. You're inside of me. And my elbow, my elbow. This whole scene was just like every time Jews try to move, every time different, just like we can do this. Get a couple of fellas, some pizza and beer. Where are the Mexicans?

Where are they? This couch stays on these stairs. I'm not, I'm not, it's a, it's a matter of principle. That's where this couch lives now. I love to that. Well, the scene is going on and we cannot overstate how low budget this is. This is literally done on like camera phone type technology of the time. So it's not like they have like filming permits or anything. This is just some guy standing on the side of the road. And there are cars driving by this entire time. And Pittsburgh sees nothing weird. It's barely not. It's like, hey, honey, is that a Kapa Kwa terrorist? And a sidekick abducting Rambo? Yep.

Yep. Wanna go Starbucks? Let's go to Starbucks. I don't really see how that's our business. I can see you. If you could go to the beach. Watch this turn. Watch this turn.

All right, so we get through the long, long, comic, hilarious crystal knock that they've got going on there. And then we cut to agent Emis's house where his mom is on the phone. And he is bouncing a basketball because he's an orthodox Jewish child and has to behave terribly. And they had to edit him dribbling a basketball twice. Twice. He had to edit that. Yes. He couldn't throw straight down without fucking it up. By the way though, Shimmie's mom, super hot.

Super hot. Oh, like a Jewish Michelle Bachman, like, Yeah, no, that's, that's pretty strong. I want to, I want to call her mommy. Yeah. Another misling thing that I think might just be Jews. What are you guys? What have you guys always called your moms?

Mom. Mom. Yeah, yeah, maybe an infancy. There was a mommy thing going on. Yeah, probably when I was not okay 12 13 years old Every Jew I know still uses mommy. I would say one out of four times That's probably not healthy like full grown adults. That's weird. You stop breastfeeding at 11. You stop saying morning. That's weird. I'm shortly thereafter. Move on. Yeah.

That's why you have bad teeth. So yeah, so you better absorb the nutrients. So while mom is on the phone, finding out that the rabbi is missing and shimmy is looking at a basketball, trying to figure out where the plug goes. We, we, we learned that the, the shit's really hitting the fan because suddenly there's an earthquake. Woo. And mom, okay, so she said the kids upstairs.

This is how dumb mom is. There's an earthquake. She looks upstairs and she says, Shmy, what did I say about bouncing that basketball? She's getting mad at love it. She's going to discipline him. It's going to hit him with a wooden spoon, he's hitting with a wooden spoon. We're really getting started about wooden spoons.

Yeah, the relationship makes a lot more sense right now. It's just it's not that he doesn't like labels. It's that they're way too complicated at this point. Um, yeah. So the kids come down. They're like, no, I promise, mom, it's not that I threw that into a fucking fault zone or whatever and caused an earthquake. It was just an earthquake. And just then dad comes in. He and he is covered in chalk because earthquake. Because he was juggling clumps of loose chalk in the garage. I'm going in earthquake happened. I don't even know what they were going for there.

No, you chalk your shoulders as he walked in the house. Oh, yes. Oh, that's right. I knew that. My Jewish friends told me that you do that, actually. He's just making shit up now. But I was, I was double testing you. And thousands of people would be sitting at home right now being like, I didn't know them Jewish failures.

Chalk. Well, like, like that would be weird compared to the shit Jewish fellers do. Right? Like it kissed the door and have the one, the one like crappy part of the house. That was the one thing that I loved that apparently you can't have too nice a house because God would get jealous. So Jews will leave one part really crappy in their house, like the Orthodox ones, and then they'll show off how crappy their crappy spot is. Oh, I, hey, now this is very limited joke, but anyone who's been in my apartment, that's

what that is now. Super. Super. Which parts did nice part? I don't like to show it off. It's a hole in a, it's in the corner. Watching Heath try to sit down in my food and just bug in the fence that apartment is a journey.

Honestly, that could be its own show. It's just he's trying to trying to fantasy with dirty socks. So this is a diaper. You don't have children. I get it though. I get it. Sometimes match travels. Um, all right.

So yeah. So dad comes in. He's all covered in chalk. So obviously shits hit in the fan. They need to turn on the news and luckily they have the one button news machine exactly next to the door. What is it like? Hey, turn on the front door radio.

We need some radio news here by the front door altogether. Perfect. And the newscaster is saying, hey, there have been mysterious earthquakes hitting major metropolitan areas around the globe. So sounds like a job for secret agent. And then he's getting his nose black. And dad shuts it off. He's like, I don't think the kids need to hear about that.

And I was like, earthquakes. Yeah, because the hips will be shaken. It'll be scandalous. And of course, the news also says before he turns it off, he's like, seismologist, don't know what the fuck is going on. They are completely snowed, probably a God thing. Um, and also by the way, he explained, they described this as a deadly event. So low top has killed people in this show now. Yeah. With the fuck. Yeah, with her. It's quite chalk. Yeah, exactly. A lot of chalk in some place. And so Jimmy obviously has to go change into agent Emerson.

He says, mom, I have a headache. And she, she says literally, Oh, I forgot how sensitive you are to excitement. The most Jewish mom thing ever caught on film and the movie she's completely unaware of that. I forgot you were allergic to the weather channel. Scott lots of gluten in the forecast. It's a high gluten full. Yeah, you lay down. I just wrote in my notes, mom, I have a headache and perfectly rounded teeth. Can I go lie down? a headache and perfectly rounded teeth. Can I go lie down? This did a circular teeth. Yeah, I know. I was like a lot of times.

So, okay. So he goes upstairs to lay down so he can sneak out and save the world, except that he waits until that night anyway. So I think he just was masturbating for a couple hours. Or maybe you really just had a headache, right? Maybe you really is sensitive to excitement. Maybe the act just wanted out of that scene. Anyway, so mom's walking around. She's like, honey, do you know where the mop is? He's like, what am I? A child or a woman? Find it yourself. I don't know. Probably next to the book that says, shut up and bear children.

Did you check right into the glass ceiling? It might be right in the glass ceiling. I don't know. That's all our books, by the way. All right. No, I'm so young. Glance into that world, wasn't it? Like when Ricky used to spank Lucy, you're just like, oh, I forgot about that.

Right. Yeah. So, so yeah. So now, and then they hear, of course, Agent M is the thing the gag that they do is every time he puts on his agent M is out, that he turns around and hits his nuts on something because he's wearing sunglasses inside a dark room. Yeah. Right. With lights off. Yeah. Exactly. And everyone who wears sunglasses inside the house got kicked in the dick. I'd be less atheist. All right. Hey, that's your dollar. You're so away. He's telling you the blueprint. I'm on board if everybody gets kicked in the dick for that.

Ray comfort. If you actually care about saving soul, start kicking the dick for that. Say Ray, Ray Comfort, if you actually care about saving soul, start kicking the dick for you watching. Yeah, you wanted to look cool, but you don't look cool because you shit yourself. I don't feel like those two things are mutually exclusive and fucking for saying that they are also add people at the top of the stairs, leaving the subway. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Right. I will pretend to be whatever fucking religion you want if you start taking care of them. I will become a Muslim terrorist. I don't care. All right. Another religion terrorist that didn't have to be Muslim. I don't know why I

am immediately thought of Muslim. Yeah. The biggest duty equal amounts of terrorism in the world. They say, you're right.'re, they're taking the record though for the biggest, I think the biggest genocide since World War II. I think that, that's what they're going for. And they're, the biggest. Yeah, I think so. Since, since World War II. Real.

Yeah, I think I think that's, that's, that's the report that I heard recently. Of course, they can't get on the ground and find any real information because, you know, because, you know, it was don't snitch. Unlike. We never talked about the positive side. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sitting and thinking moon. So we've been here incense.

Thank you. A whole village full of incense. That was a whole incense village. It's all shaped like the skulls of children. It's weird, but you know, you know, us working Buddhists. You know, you could say, stop asking so many questions. He probably did say that. All right.

So, yeah. So dad goes upstairs to check out agent, check on agent, because he hears him getting hit and then nods by divine retribution. And he looks in, but of course, agent, Emma's is Ferris Bueleuring it once more. There's time using the mop instead of a wig. Ferris Jullering it. Juller. So, yeah. But I love that this kid, this is how smart this kid's parents are. It's a black-haired kid that puts a white mop in there in his bed to be like, no, look, it's a person.

See the hair? And then I was like, ah, must be a person. It's got hair. And he walks away. I mean, to be fair, Orthodox Jewish families have so many children that you could probably really replace one with a mop and they'd just be like, that one's the one that screams the least. Rabbi mop grows to prominence.

And okay, so now we cut to the weird creepy Jew room. What the fuck is happening in this room? Are you serious? I spoiled this for Noah last time. What do you think is happening in this room? Autistic book club. Is it? No?

No, I mean, kind of. I can't say no. So this is a reby tutoring. And what happens is, is you've got like a king rabbi, who's like the head of all the rabbis. And he has commentary on the Torah. And each of his students reads a different portion and then asks him questions about it.

And he answers those questions and they are expected to memorize what he says and write it down. And that is what becomes Jewish mysticism and commentary. So that's what you're seeing. Take it like, okay. So at the beginning of that class, the, the, the Rebys just like everyone talk about the book at the same time. And that's the thing. And I feel this way about a lot of religious traditions, but maybe none more so than this one. This originally was someone's idea, right?

Somebody said, okay, what? But what if we all got together and read different shit out loud at the same time while rocking back and forth like sex abuse victims? Huh? And we could do that weekly. I went to a Halloween party like this at Yale, but every room's like a joke. Is that right? It's actually really funny.

Not at all snarky. If you didn't like it, look away. So maybe me and my husband could dedicate the rest of our careers, make fun of college students now, prove how equal opportunity we much care about it. We don't get enough emails. So, so yeah, so the, and of course, Agent Emma walks into the secret controlling the media room in the back or whatever that is. But he's got to visit the portrait gallery. Well, of course, yeah, exactly. This is the,

they're just replaying the exact same scene from episode one in case Heath didn't see it. They're just replaying the exact same scene from episode one in case he didn't see it. Yeah. And commentary here, uh, how come the Jews suck at art? That's weird, right? We're cutting a lot of the arts. How come we're bad at music except for production and painting? Also, I feel like secret hallways is the stupid place for artwork. For art work. It's a mirror. Well, it's like a dumb place. So I feel like secret hallways is the stupid place for artwork.

It's a zero. It's like a dumb place because you wouldn't understand. There's a lot of secret hallways involved in Judaism. I don't want to get to that. Okay. So, okay. So he walks through the hall of Jew portraits. Also notice the hall of three inch black outlines around the green screening.

And this is where he goes into flirt with that. I don't know. I have had you in my notes. I don't know what to refer to this guy that he's going to see as. Yeah, I don't know what that guy's supposed to be, either I'm not that high in the illuminati. Okay, all right, all right. So he walks in, but first he's got to talk to the secretary

who says, oh, it's Jew word, Jew word, Agenamis, you've arrived. Secretary didn't look enough like mom in my opinion. Your secretary should look like your mom, right? Well, this isn't his secretary, this might look like that guy's mom. This, that's the, oh, it's that guy's. Yeah, yeah, no, because we've already seen the first episode,

we know the backstory on this. It's time for some flirting, which means she wants to see the inside of his mouth. Okay. Yeah. No, that makes sense. You know, let me see that tongue. Let me see that tongue.

Is it really coming in yet? If it touches your chin, you don't need to go into the other room. You could stay in the room with me, my boy. Yeah, it was because we made the joke the first time we saw these about the how these two like seem clearly like they were gonna Fuck when he came back out But they really took that in a very bizarre direction this time By the way this scene ends with the boom going halfway into the friends for like 10 seconds They're not even talking. It's just like right in your face. I mean your face. 10 seconds. Just cut the scene. All right. So yeah. So he flirts

with the secretary. She checks his teeth because that's what she's into. And hey, you know, that's your right. We shouldn't judge. So he goes in to see the, whenever we can't establish what the fuck this guy, the guy who sends a pre-pubescent is she a boy out to fight grown men on behalf of Jewish mysticism. That guy, whatever the title is for that. And he they have managed to figure out that the earthquakes are definitely happening because of a disturbance in the spiritual realm. He is a will know it's disruption, the spiritual well realm thing, the, you know, the world's humor and so on balance. That's starting point of our scientific discussion. He needs to, but he needs to go brush up on his saber printer matrix.

I had my saberatious. Yeah, I know who the fuck knows. But yeah, it's Kabala. It's due magic. And the reason I bought the stone tiles, huh? Ah, there you go. I also, I love this line here too. He goes like the head Jew guy that he's talking to says, yeah, we can't figure out what's going on, even with all of my instruments.

And he points like three decade old laptops. All of them just worrying loudly in the background, like fucking lawn mowers on Sunday morning. That's pong on a commoner 64 and a sextant. You pointed at a commoner 64 and a sextant. Yes. Nothing about earthquakes. But then he explains that agent MS has to go learn cobalism and he goes, wait, isn't that, that agent MS has to go learn cobalism and he goes, wait, isn't that, you know, Jewish mysticism theories to which the boss guy says, it's not a theory. This isn't evolution bullshit. This is fat.

Yeah. I am so excited. Oh my God. I was so excited for a bit. Because I'll get to it. We'll get to it in a second. I'm very excited. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, clearly Eli and I have to have an argument beforehand about which Hebrew letter belongs on the path between Guevara and Tifret. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell. Can agent Emmis memorize enough action mystical bullshit to finish the episode? What did Eli think the tiles were going to do? How long do you think it took him to figure out that they weren't going to do that? Find out the answers to some of these questions and more. When we return for the Flemish gibberish conclusion of Agent Hemis.

Rabbi napped. Which letter is it? It's a gold in the hallways. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pfft. Oh ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Yish or Nonsense! I'm your host, Chet Brinkley, and I'm Brink Chetley. Our first guest tonight is No Illusions.

Noah, tell us about yourself. Well, I edit this podcast and this is my job to do this Mehta and also joining us is All right, fuck you Eli whatever Eli Bosnick. I'm chat now fuck you chat and tell us about yourself Mickey your car Fantastic brink. What do you got for them first? Well, chat the word is Mishbhah. Uh, it's Jeward. That is correct. Okay, next up, Gifilta. Not a Jeward. Oh, sorry, Jeward. Okay, Noah. your word is give tech.

Uh, not a Jew word? Maybe not sure. Wait what? Could be and finally, are you ready for your final word? Heath. Your word is Jew word, definitely Jew word. Who knows? Tell them what they win! You won platinum tickets to our live show in Salt Lake City. Wow! That's the greatest gift I could ever receive. If only there was a website where I could get those tickets

on the show notes to this episode. If only there were, no, if only there were. So until next time, Yiddish or Nonsense! Does this have gluten? And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he had just learned that he needed to go learn some cobbelism. Uh, and now we finally get to hear Heath's first impression of the fat kid. You mean the kid with the crazy, the crazy lips, the crazy, like enormous, luscious, somatic lips on this kid? It is. Almost as though lipids couldn't transmit themselves through his body genetically.

He got a pretty mouth. This kid is so fucking, this kid should be labeled tumor food. Oh my God. Yeah. So he goes into the Hachem's meditation chamber and apparently he expected it to be a little bit more hippie. He's like, Oh, hey, I thought this is a meditation chamber. Where's the incense and the fancy music?

And he was like, yeah, choose to do that stupid meditation stuff. And I wrote in my notes, see Noah, maybe you're Jewish. Well, I love his answer is he's like, psh, Jews aren't into that focus, focus. This other focus, however, yeah, we meditate by reading these books and rocking back and forth like a normal person. What? Go weird, messy, verbal argument in a Starbucks, a whole bunch of gay couples all at once. I don't know what's happening here.

Yeah. So yeah. So the fat kid turns to me. He's like, he's going to teach him some cobblerism. And so he says, okay, now let's review Habish Shama, Hamishayla, Buff, Maspitators. There are not letters and there could not be letters to represent those sounds that that that kid just made. I wrote down, okay, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma ma ma ma ma.

But apparently what meant was that the letters of the Hebrew alphabet get this literally keep the universe from caving in literally. Okay. So this is the best part. All right. So I should point out, Kabbalah for those who aren't familiar is the secret Jewish. Missed this is, um, and actually what that means is the Jewish stuff we wrote down that was pretty is. Right. The problem, the problem with being an insular culture who people keep trying to kill is eventually someone turns to the prettiest books and goes,

no, man, that's real. So if I turned to you and I said, you know, sometimes I think the words of Shakespeare keep the whole universe from cave again. You'd say, wow, you lie. What are you smoking and can I have some? If I replace that with Torah and you spend a couple hundred years just working on brushes and loans, you certainly will. replace that with Torah and you spend a couple hundred years just working on brushes and loans.

He's certainly not real. For all these planes, brushes, brush salesmen. Yeah. You'll get a big thing. What? You're like paintbrushes? No. What are you talking about?

Jewish brush salesmen is a thing. Are there a lot of Jewish people selling? Again, paint brushes, what are you saying? What is the famous thing for them to be brushes? Brushes, brushes. Hair brushes. Hair brushes. Hair brushes.

Yes, hair brushes. Okay. Weird. Okay. I'm sorry, what is the most common form of brush? The hair brushes. Well, yeah, no, it now makes sense. If you think of that as paint brush, that would be a weird thing.

What? How does thank you? Yes. So what is it? Look, I Jewish brush salesmen. Not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not,

not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, No matter how weird that is, it's nowhere near as weird as thinking that they Hebrew alphabet literally keeps the universe from giving in literally. Literally. Let's make and then a turtle and then three elephants and then the Dreadel, they have a Dreadel and that holds up the universe. I laugh at a Beth, but a guy mel in a day left and I don't remember any of the other ones. So or not in order anyway.

So yeah, and the, and the agenemis even says to me, he's like, okay, I don't get how that would, how could that even be literal in the kids is, and you never will, next scene. Well, but no, I'm sorry, it gets even fucking weirder, because the kid says, you know, the reason we're having earthquakes is because probably someone has stolen

some of the Hebrew letters. What? What? Where? What? The letters? Yes. Oh, the fuck. No, keep them in the weird secret hallway. Hard work. Yeah, there you go.

It was fun for me to watch this kid, the kid who plays shimmy, go through the moment. I realized that my rabbi I had had since I was growing up as a little kid. I actually thought the world was like 6,000 years old. I got to watch him go through this. I was like looking back in a Harry Potter, just me being like, well, I mean, obviously that's a metaphor and him being like, no, science doesn't know everything and me being like, I need to leave now

Everything and anything seem to have the same meaning in that apologetic to these people. I'm not sure why Yeah, so okay, so then so he learns a bunch of capitalism and then he's we get him walk into school where he gets this tiny tiny little earthquake we get him walk into school where he gets this tiny, tiny little earthquake. So, and I, I, I was starting writing down now, like, how are these Miller Richter earthquakes killing people? Right? Were they balancing washing machines on their chins at the time? Yeah. But at any rate, someone was doing his knife-juggling act right in the middle of the first earthquake.

Yeah, right. Now it's the whole thing. Yeah, exactly. If I hadn't been doing the one-footed pole thing, maybe, but, yeah. But anyway, so he goes to school, there's an earthquake. And we should point out that when we say earthquake, what we mean is the camera shakes and the people on camera shake not necessarily at the same time, right? There's several times where the fucking earthquake, the camera starts shaking and then the kids start shaking or one kid starts shaking and then the other one as though there's

a really slow earthquake going through. Anyway, so he gets to school and he opens the door and immediately a football flies out and he catches it. I guarantee you there were 31 other takes of that that we don't get to see. Right. But are they playing football inside? No, they're playing all the sports. All the sports balls. Like just throwing, that's complete nonsense. That's inside of school. So I thought they were inside a toy store on a Tuesday in the middle of April. Yeah. Because it was just two of children screaming and throwing things around. So I was, I thought

it was a toy store, but apparently it was not everyone. It's in the school. I thought it was a birthday party and I was thinking to myself, you know, 400 bucks isn't that much money. When you think about it, when you walk into this room, it's not really worth it. Yeah, but the kids are all in the school. None of the rabbis have shown up because of course they've all been chloroformed. So the kids are just going, fucking nuts. They are fucking jerking off. Everyone, no, they're not. They're actually playing sports ball, but yeah. And this is where, now, of course, we met this character in the first episode of Agenemis. He did not, and this is where now of course we met this character in the first episode of Agenemis He did not but this is where we first in this episode meet the tiny tiny little bully

It was half the size of the kid that he's bullying Yeah, cannot be a bully for so many like if you're gonna be a bully I think you have to have at least one dominant One dominant If you're gonna be a bully, I think you have to have at least one dominant gene, except for you. If you're gonna get bullied, you need one dominant gene minimum. Look, if I know anything about our audience, they love pro bullying jokes. Let me tell you, hooly. So my sketch, I received negative feedback. So yeah, so the tiny little bully starts messing with shimmy and then he starts chasing him.

And this chase scene is amazing again swastika arms the whole way. This is the least coordinated chase scene since leap They're just running through a hallway and again they had to edit it. Yes They couldn't just like have them run down the whole is like one at a time don't run next to each other Slow that around the quarter slow down and I love to the little bully kid is so clearly out of breath and kick like he's like they've got him like nine minutes behind the first kid. So he stops halfway through. He takes a little like grabs his inhaler.

He comes jogging up behind him trying to catch a train. Sorry. I was like 10 minutes behind you. I walked like six or seven blocks yesterday. So now I'm barely seeing a way down for the rest of my life. So yeah, head blisters. It was a lot. I had different shoes than normal.

So. So shimmy hides in a locker since he's nine minutes ahead of the kid that's half his size. He hides in a locker so the bully won't know where he is, but would you know it? Just as the bullies about to walk away, he sneezes. Oh, yeah. Fakes needs. Right.

Right. Sorry. And just when he's about to get beat up, and again, this is like Yoda versus Duku, when he's about to get beat up, there's suddenly an earthquake that opens one of the lockers and bloody is the bully kids knows, which means that shimmy has now won the confrontation. They both turns, he turns so Jewish. He's like, oh my gosh, are you okay? Like, I know you were going to fight, but are you all right? You're literally bleeding right now.

And I think this is nothing, but you could get fragments, phone fragments in your bloodstream. And then you'd go on, like John Ritter, that's exactly what happened to John Ritter. He broke his nose, it's a horrible thing. Go to the hospital, call 911, I'll stand here and wait with you, Stay awake. Stay awake.

Probably have a concussion. Like a football player. You're going to have Alzheimer's now. Cause of you, Angel Lockers. That's exactly how it plays out. So yeah, so then the the blanket wanders off. Shimmie's buddy shows up and he's like, hey, I just heard that none of the rabbis at my sister's school showed up too.

Maybe it's a Nazi Holocaust and he's like, or maybe, maybe it's that someone doesn't want kids learning Torah so that everything will go to shit. You know, the kids like, oh, exactly. Yeah. And I love that he goes, maybe it's that someone doesn't want us learning Torah. I mean, look at us. And the camera pans over and all of the children are just in a giant fuck pile. What the hell?

Absolutely. It was learning Torah or fuck pile. There was no. Well, I mean, I think that's actually accurate. Without instruction, Jewish kids immediately devolve into a giant fuck pile. No, I used to have a weird job. No, I'm pretty sure.

That's just that's universal. I also just I have to draw a circle around this like it's so goddamn bad. The best friend says to shimmy is like, what can we do? And the other kid says, shimmy says, whatever we can. How the fuck do those words make sense? What can we do? Whatever we will, of course, yes, total logically speaking, yes, that's exactly what we can do.

I think there were some letters missing from the universe at this point. Oh, I see, I see. I see. No, that will be your incentive. God damn it. They got to the W's. So yeah, so shimmy sneaks into the little boys room to turn into a secret agent. Yeah. And just to make it extra funny, his buddies outside blocking a much smaller kid from going in and peeing. So we get, no, I will admit a seven year old Jewish kid complaining because he can't

pee. That's humor. Like there, there's a lot of humor potential there. Seems like an easy solution though. I mean, like one of the many situations when you just start peeing and you see that with your arms. Amazing number of lives problem is will be solved if you just start peeing. Just start peeing.

I'm telling you, so many things I've gotten out of. So many wacky shenanigans, I would've gotten in big trouble, just start peeing. Oh, okay. So heates a lot to recommend peeing, but when I recommend a little bit of joke and jerk and you know, do you know what I'm saying?

You know, I very specifically said, you and your harness, I'm not saying, I'm not saying anything, I'm not saying anything, I'm saying it on the third, some things are fine. Peeing is dangerous too. That's all I'm saying. Peeing is dangerous too.

To everything I say is a joke. I don't want to get into it. See some of our friends are Jewish. Mine was presidential. Mine was presidential. That's all I'm saying. P to everything I say is a joke. I don't want to get into it. See some of our friends are Jewish. Mine was presidential. Mine was presidential. Yours was weird. So, yeah.

So, Agent Emma's changes into his Agent Emma's clothes, runs his nuts into things. Ha, ha. And then he goes out to the hall where the kids are going wild. But they stop because suddenly Emma's is physics defying hat floats over top of them to quiet the ruckus. Yeah, the hat like does like the kindergarten teacher like clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how you stop a fuck pile, by the way, also. Yeah, but apparently, yeah, with that. And then agent M.S. I love this part too. Agent M.S. gives the bully kid a hanky for his nose. And the bully kid plays this like he is definitely gonna fuck that hanky later. That's really does. That was really does.

That was really weird. I will never wash this bloody hanky again. Really? Cause that's gross. Oh, also, this is also where we get the super coordinated basketball moment. Yeah. the super coordinated basketball moment. Yeah, he does like a behind the back pass to like be impressive as Agent Emma, so whatever, but the edit is it's priceless. Like he starts doing the throw and they cut away immediately.

Like there's a clip from NBA Jam and the things that surround and then the back and it's like he clearly just like right after they cut, he introduced arm. It was like, oh my god. Oh my god. I twisted it. I twisted my mouth. My wife steps, you didn't warn me. Yeah. No, it's amazing.

But what we're supposed to believe happened is he threw the basketball behind his back and bounced off four walls and then went right to the other kid. And then was like, boom, shackle. Oh, no, that's stupid. We cut. And then it's going to be a jam. They'll know. Boom shackle. Oh, no, that's stupid. We cut. Yeah. And then again, just to underscore how amazingly coordinated this act of child act of risk, he jumps up on a table to address the crowd. And everyone who has ever watched

this show is going, oh my god, he's going to face. That kid is going to die. That kid that table is so fucking riggedy and that kid is so uncoordinated. This is criminal negligence. Let him down. Oh, it's really scared. And he goes, he's like, everybody quiet. You guys are running around like, uh, when we murdered chickens on the streets, maybe don't mention the caprat chickens in your Jewish food. Don't showcase the dumbest parts of your thing. Does he like even a Mormon movie a kid jumped up and he was like, you guys are running

around like our hugely teen homeless population. I mean, out of crazy. Crazy. Yeah. But the, but the actual message here is low top doctor evil doctor low top stole your rabbi so you wouldn't learn more Torah. But if only you guys could all study Torah together, then we could save the world from the evil, Julius earthquakes. That's the way.

Those earthquakes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's, yeah. Obviously, if you have Julius earthquakes, you need questions. Yeah, I was doing. Yeah. All right. So now we cut to the waiting room at Auschwitz. And we like, there are a shocking number of things that you only see or hear in Holocaust movies and agent M.S. episodes, right?

Like 93 rabbis all tied up together in the state. Well, 93 is a 16 rabbis all tied up together in the state. Well, 93 is a 16 rabbis all tied up together in the same room, which apparently represents all the world's rabbis. Yeah. There are that many Jews taking it seriously anymore. You ever made like a serious, I met one and I was just like, eh, you smell terrible. It's not great. I'm just saying the world's most specific sex dungeon. I can say, I can say we smell that I could say apparently you, you, you can, you just did. Obviously, also, and this is where we get the amazing tying where rope is just like wrapped around and four times and tucked in. And you can see

that right? You can see where they tucked it. One of them's like the rope is supposed to go to his hands, but obviously the rope tied to his hands is not tied to the rope tied to his body. It's amazing how lazy they were about this. It's like, okay, everyone tie yourselves for this scene. A lot of boy scouts on the cast. Yeah, we're not particularly welcome in that society of bird watchers. And that's amazing, interesting, very strange. It's also like, I love to that like eight or nine of the

rabbis are like tied to things. But after that, they were like, just, oh, fuck it. Just have them with some ropes around them. They'll just be freely walking around the room. And so with ropes around. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just coming in and you're like, oh, my God, this is so amazing. Like, look how happy they are. Yeah. Do you want to give them some corn? I can't say any digestion. All right.

Well, you can give them corn because it is an injection. But you can taste the difference with the eggs, though. They have, they're better. Oh, they're better. We can. Yeah. You can taste the happiness. A lot of people know that.

You just have to watch Borat. All right. So yeah. Now, but one of the rabbi spits out his gag or whatever, and he turns to Dr. Lottoff, who is, you know, whatever evil monologue in through all of this. And he says, damn you, if the Jewish children don't learn the Torah, the universe will explode. To which Dr. Lottoff is like, no, yeah, no, I get that. I get that.

My character has very strange motivations. I see. Very clearly. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Down to I will use the Jewish terms for things. But yeah, but also I want to I want to stop the religion that I clearly believe is correct and vital to keeping the universe from being destroyed. I guess it's like the Christian movie atheist is the Jewish movie anti-Jewel. I can't guess. Yeah, right. Like Kevin Sorbo's just mad at God and Dr. Lomtov is just against Hashem.

I don't know. It's a hard to say. Yeah. And then suddenly as his evil plan is about to come to fruition, the earthquake stop. And he says, but that's impossible. The camera still has the smokey filter on. And it does. It actually does for quite a while. Unless he gets slapped with the hat. Secret agent. And who's always looking for true. So yeah, that was through the Trump and the company.

So he goes for the hat knockout because again, when you touch a human with the edge of a felt hat, they fall unconscious. And that's agent emphasis only moved. So he knocks out Dr. Lothub and starts freeing the rabbis, which is basically like just go and like, okay, so here, let me hand you the rope to your thumbs and you can just untie it. It's obviously it's not really. It's very much and they're like, but wait a second. Why did that stop the earthquakes? And he goes, oh, I didn't stop the earthquake. He takes out his television pen.

Yes. Yeah. And he projects an image of all of his fellow students studying Torah. And he lets them know that Jewish children love learning Torah. And that's why Moses promised God all of the Jewish children. And now it all makes sense. Wait, no, it moving on. By the way, small thing while this rabbi is talking, he's got the gag out of his mouth now.

So he's talking, but there's another rabbi right next to him with the gag still in his mouth. But he's just like smiling. He's just smiling not long with the gag in his mouth like, yep. I meant to it very it very specific sex dungeon. I have a different weekend plan than I thought I did. So all right. So now we cut back to the school where the kids are learning Torah on their own. And Mushihaiam, the bully kid is leading the class in the chewing. Oh, he took charge hard.

He's like, all right, we study till 10, 15, but then snack, because I'm fucking harsh. Like, you know, two hours of recess, you don't know me. And also, and this is hilarious, balloons. You see, they're gonna have a pop quiz, which is where they pop balloons. And he pops the balloon,

and they haven't done any sound muffling, so it pops really loudly, and every Jew in the room, yes. It's them, everyone in the room is like, ow, no, I'm dead. I'm death. I'm death forever now.

Well, before we even get to that, again, these are kids that were losing their breath trying to whistle and we haven't all blown up balloons and shit. Oh, I am positive several of those kids passed out trying to blow up a balloon. They were having a lot of trouble. Yeah, but just as he's doing the whole balloon popping in two hours of resisting, Rabbi smiles shows up and he's standing behind him the whole time. No. That's fine.

Classic stand behind. Yeah. And yeah, but thanks to all the kids learning Jewishness, the rabbi is fine. And in his words, they're all one day closer to learning the Torah together with Mets Max Shamwau, Blitz package smibble smab. Well, with the Mosheah, they're all closer to learning because the member, they don't think Jesus was the Messiah. So the Jews are just constantly waiting on the Messiah. So Mosheah, they're still, they're still waiting on the dude. I got you. All right.

They're still waiting. There's some people who think it was a guy I met when I was a kid, but he wasn't. He wasn't him. Well, not yet. No, yeah. Well, you never know. He's dead. He said it's a mask. Yeah, but they come back.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's not permanent. It's like Game of Thrones. It's been a while. He's haven't recorded it on the whole Game of Thrones thing. All right. So if there's one thing that we learned from the Holocaust, it's that kidnapping

rabbis does not create earthquakes. That's really the major takeaway. But that's not to say that kidnapping all the rabbis wouldn't have some devastating effects. So to close off the review tonight, I want to ask you guys what the actual negative consequences of Dr. Lotov's evil plans would have been in the real world. Um, a public schools near Orthodox Jewish communities could buy a few pencils. Yeah. You want that? That's a real problem.

Uh, babies would miss out on their first blowjob. Well, there's, there's a, and in less face it, Jewish babies, they're not going to get a lot of shots going forward. Now, you don't need a He's shot. Yeah, exactly. And well, that's going to do it for our review of Agent M. Is rabbi nap That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a renew our vows. So Eli tell us what's on deck? Well, this will be our live show from Austin, Texas and we're going to be reviewing the grim Reaper from the people who brought us with footman tire you. What would horses do and burning hell? Yeah. No, I

was it's not Estus, but I go though, right? It's the director who did those two. Ron Ormond. The same director, but not. Yeah. Yeah. But like, I mean, Estus, Bergo was fun because you just had this like graphic ass shit being narrated by Orville Reddenbacher, but the graphic shit is where the fun was. So yeah, very much looking forward to that one. And of course, by the time this airs, that will already have been recorded, but there's still time to check us out in Salt Lake City. Again, check the show notes for this episode.

If you want to get in on some of that live show action. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode one, 10 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing a the es the scapter cratton citation needed available on iTunes, stichur and

wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodoffelmoviesaGmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of PM Drutoras, or theme songs written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nekoviev, and Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil Ibosnik, I'm Noel Luciens, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week

until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Orthodox Jewish people will mass-curred tens of thousands of chickens on the sidewalks of Brooklyn next week, swinging them by the neck in a circle and throwing them against the wall. Like for real, in real reality, that's gonna happen. The fact that this was our young Kapoor episode is just a coincidence, believe it or not. Eli and Moishi took up Torah again, just in case it slowed down some hurricanes. So the kind of like you had like a wily coyote contraption that turned on your recorder by dropping a bowling wall onto the button at some point after some number of steps.

I mean, it's called a root bogo bird. Good guard. What's that? It's called a Rube Bogo, where Gurgard, Gurgard. What's that? What? It's called what? You were talking. Yeah. It's like a mouse trape.

You guys want to do the show? It's going on. Yeah. It's going to show. Do a 10 count first. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017. All rights reserved.

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