God Awful Movies - 112: Passage to Zarahemla

Episode Date: October 10, 2017

In this week's episode, Mark and Dan from Thank God I'm Atheist join us live in Salt Lake City for an atheist review of Passage to Zarahemla. It's the charming story of a couple of juvenile car thieves who discover a portal into the Mormon dimension. --- To check out Mark and Dan's new podcast, the How to Heretic, click here: https://howtoheretic.com/ And to check out their old one, Thank God I'm Atheist, click here: http://www.thankgodimatheist.com/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Like a one nine hundred sex line commercial, but she's reading the book. Oh, yeah, she's like second Alma. I feel so dirty Call me tell me there's not a second Alma You know the fucking second Alma. Are you serious? I quit the show You know what the fucking second Alma? Are you serious? I quit the show. Alright, uh, welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan.

Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan.

Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Welcome to God All the Movies with Mark and Dan. Ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby,oby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby,oby,oby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby,oby,oby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby, ooby,oby, ooby, ooby,oby, o. And of course, joining me from stage right, please welcome my good friend, Ethan Wright. I love that the Scotch precedes you onto the stage there. Wait, supposed to be. Oh, all the important shit is here now. Hello, everybody. Oh, look at all the beautiful white people. I feel comfortable here.

When I was at the airport, I saw like two black people walking around. I'm like, I bet Utah just pays them to walk around the airport. Just say, see? See? We have two of them now. And he convention does that too. Yeah, very similar. And of course, Jordan, me from stage left, giving up for my bad friend Eli Bosnick! Ely! Sir, what are you wearing?

I'm a Mormon now. I saw your square and your pretty girls who don't believe in the clitoris either, and I'm the woman. Now, you're not allowed to be a Mormon, Eli, it fucks up the whole show. I'm a Mormon. You are not a Mormon, sir. You have to go back and put on regular clothes, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just not a live show until you see Eli's ass so apparently. It's just downhill from here folks. And of course, well, Eli's back there changing. I want you guys to give a warm round of applause to our special guest massacres today from the thank God I'm atheist podcast and the brand new How-To-Heretics podcast. Please welcome Mark and Dan. Well, hi, friends. Look at all of you!

Conference weekends, motherfuckers. That's right. Let's do this. We're all going to do our best Mormon apostle tones for the rest of the show. So get your blankets ready. We're all going to sleep. Oh, God, I was so fucking scary walking through the temple square where they're praising

great leader or whatever. I kept expecting, they've got that they're piping in this whole speech or whatever and I kept expecting it any second that they were going to say, also we have atheists in quadrant four. Get them. We're a way to polite for that. You see now you don't you feel better? Yeah. Available for purchase. Settle. Yeah, no, thank you. We appreciate subtle here.

So I'll tell you what, we have an incredible amount of insanity to get to today. We have a special announcement from Mark and Dan at the end of the show. So they will be we will be teasing you with that Yeah, there will definitely be some gay sex before this show is over We will have it all sorted out by the time we will know what the announcement is by the end of the show Oh And while they're puzzling that out with you know my my Aunt Ellis Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched passage to Zara Hemler. Yeah. Yeah. See everyone in this room's been there.

Yeah. It's like right now. Well, they've been to Eli's passage anyway. And it's the story of a primitive tribe of religious people with antiquated values from thousands of years ago, blaming all its problems on Mexicans. Um, basically, GOP the movie. Sounds right. That's fun. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the Disney Channel, but you hate Pocahontas,

you don't have to love this movie. I think one way or the other, you would love this movie. It is fucking amazing. I love any movie that's still trying to explain its precept to you in Act 3. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I actually have a couple. First of all, best worst, very light slapping. Yes.

There's several moments where it's like, they're trying to like get information and it's like, where's the money? Where's the money, Eli? Where is it? There is a moment, we'll get to it. There's a moment where a character gets slapped and forgets to react. Yes. Like, oh, really?

Spank? Oh, right. Sorry. I mean, you got to touch my face. All right, Cliff, Who is playing Jorge? Oh, yeah, I have one other one. I'm best worst. I'm a Mormon now.

I love it here, and I'm a Mormon now. We are Mormon. Yeah. Yeah! We're not gay. How bad could it be? How many sons do you need? You need to kick one out of the house.

Just make another one. Ooh, too real, all right. I found you. I found you in your hearts. They didn't deserve you. I had a best worst. I thought this movie had the best worst surprise racism. Oh my God.

Here's the thing. I totally expected racism. I knew that this was going to be about lame and I it's this is going to be about brown people being bad. I knew that this was gonna be about laymanites. This is gonna be about brown people being bad I knew that racism was coming But then they snuck attacked me with some like modern Mexicans. Yes, I wasn't I didn't see it coming at all Yes, it was great Yeah, if they could have found a black person for this movie

He would have been picking up a welfare check absolutely. Well, no in fairness. They couldn't even find a real Mexican No, they couldn't but they found somebody to pretend like he was one and they found out that I didn't do it in brown skin it was amazing so I think my best worst is and you're gonna hear about this throughout the rest of the movie is the completely horrifying and utterly unintentional sexual tension that they placed throughout this movie everybody clearly wants to fuck slash murder everybody else at all times, but it was not intended. It's just fantastic. See, that's a nail on the head, though, because it's hard to tell if this is a,

I want to fuck you or I want to murder you moment. Like, they're all, they can be both. It can be both. I guess that's true. That's true. Mine was best worst playing of a musical instrument. As regular listeners to the show will know, my wife has a habit of walking out of our movies. Which is rude, really. She did not walk out of this movie.

We'll get to it. We'll get to it. All right, well obviously we need to get through this movie quick before Eli and Heath convert to Mormon as a image. All right, we're gonna take a break. But I talked on the fuck out of that anyway. And when we come back, we'll leap head first into all the a historical bullshit that is Passage to Zera Hamla And when we come back, we'll leap head first into all the a historical bullshit that is passage to zero hemlock. When we tried to hire somebody to prove read Eli show notes, we had trouble finding the

right person for the job. All right. No idea what he meant by first, sirk, but if the rest of this is supposed to say what I think it says, I refuse to retap it on mortal grants. And when we tried to hire somebody to make sure Eli followed the rules on the white board, we had trouble finding a qualified candidate. I can't think of any way to stop that once it was started and to be perfectly honest. I don't want to think of a way, but that's because we weren't using Zippercrooter.

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It finds them. You can even get a head start on the interview process by adding a screening questions to your job post to help identify the most qualified candidates. So you don't have to waste time sorting through a stack of resumes to find the perfect fit. Yeah, it's no wonder 80% of employers who post on Zippercruder get a quality candidate through the site in just one day and The easy-use Zippercruder dashboard. Let's you manage your hiring process from start to finish all in one place Find out today why Zippercruder has been used by growing businesses of all sizes in industries to find the most qualified candidates with immediate results And right now our listeners can post jobs jobs on Zipper Cruder for free.

That's right, free. Just go to zippercruder.com, slash God Awful Movies. That's zippercruder.com slash God Awful Movies. One more time to try for free, go to zippercruder.com, slash God Awful Movies. And never let this happen to you again. Why would he have that in his fridge? That's crazy.

I don't know. I don't. I don't know. I don't keep the cold. Hi, welcome to the dormant Mormon hotel. I'm Chip. I'm disturbingly Caucasian. I'll be taking care of you today. Are you here for the general conference weekend? No, I am not here for that. I just had a couple of questions about my room. Oh, please let it be. Where do I go when I die? Please let it be. Where do I go when I die? What's your question? It's not not that it's the TV in my room seems to be mounted facing the wall. And I feel like that's a mistake. No, no, no, no, there's a porn on those things. Oh, I see. Well, I was actually just going to watch MSNBC.

Oh, I see. Well, I was actually just gonna watch MSNBC. Sorry, that worse than porn, worse than porn, sir. Well, okay, I guess I could just watch it online, but the wifi here at the hotel just keeps asking if I'm sure, also porn. That'll explain the old lady, a moda con. Okay, fine, can I just get some change for the vending machine then?

Hmm, depends. What are you gonna get? Not porn? Well, I can't give you change if you're gonna get something with caffeine, sir, moral objections and all. If that can't possibly be legal. In Trump's America? With drone. Any other questions?

Yeah. What would happen if I just stepped outside and yelled fuck? earthquake, and that's what I thought Don't And we're back for the breakdown And we're gonna start this movie off in Leeds, Utah. You know, that place you've heard of. Let's hear it for Leeds. One penny, any leads in the house?

Wait, no. Has anybody here actually, you're all Utahans, or most of you, have you heard of Leeds? Okay, you have, all right, fine. All right, then. That fucks up my first six jokes. It's the only real thing in the movie. And I love, the movie starts in like the modern day

and we see a guy who's a hunter, he's got his rifle out there. But I don't know because as bad as Joseph Smith is, I would not be surprised to see a fucking rifle in Zera Hemla. That would be the most anachronistic thing in that book. Well, this is... Well, this is what I can and would have been

a truck ran out of the book. And this first scene is where we're introduced to the main character of the movie, by which of course I mean, after effects smoke. A third of the screen, I was like, his gun is on fire! It's hard to do shit. That way I imagine.

Just the whole screen is covered. It's like a kiss concert. You just clean up the cum and the guitar picks. How did you guys go to a kiss concert, you just clean up the cum and the guitar picks. How did you guys go to a kiss concert? I thought there was a tablecloth over the television. It was just so fucking murky. Yeah. So we're meeting two, a couple of guys, they're out hunting. One guy shoots an elk, but he shot the wrong kind of elk.

It was duck season. I don't kind of... No, he did, in hunter culture, to shoot a cow elk when you've got a bowl license or vice versa, it's very, very bad. He was even for hunters. He's a piece of shit. Oh, okay. I know I'm getting it. Well, these guys would clearly be hunting humans if it was possible. Yeah, but you have to have a human life. You have to have the right tag. You shoot a woman when you've got a male license. That's a problem. Jolar Peo gives those out. You can get a, you can get a Lamanite life. Yeah. So now the, I'm going to save you guys a lot of trouble in trying to understand this movie. The hunter guy who shoots the elk gets up and runs off, right? And he's like, oh, well, I got to chase it down.

I would want the thing I shot to suffer. So he walks through a magical portal to another time. And the way this movie presents this is that it's a different forest, right? He's walking through a forest and then it's now an old growth forest. And we're supposed to be like, fuck, is this the same millennia? As he was just in, this looks different. It's a little different. A tiny bit different. Yeah, it's Southern Oregon. Yeah. You know that some like boy scout at home was like, coniferous, he must be back in time. That I've been meaning to talk to you.

See, that's their line. You find it, right? You found it real fast. It's cold. Are they looking? Just keep looking at me. So yeah, so he goes off to find his elk, winds up back in time where he is shot in the chest with an arrow by a laymanite.

So it appeared out of nowhere, magic. Yes, a magic Indians appearing and shooting people. Yes. And I just want to point out that the guy, the hunter who then gets shot, is the writer, director, musician, a tour. Yeah. Chris, Heimerdinger. Heimerdinger.

Eli didn't make that word up. That's a real name. Chris Heimerdinger, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Oh. Honestly, I think I may have seen him out in the alley when I was smoking, but still has that gun. So yeah, so a title card later, we cut to the funeral.

We're done with that part of the movie. This is not the funeral for the guy we just met that got shot with the arrow. This is a different funeral for her character that we haven't met and her children who is it just me, are not dressed appropriately for a funeral. I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about. She's in a gorgeous red top with wizard sleeves and she's got like a neck amulet and like crazy eye makeup looking like she just walked off the set of West, which is a beast way. Rodeo Clown makeup. That seems like funeral attire, doesn't it? Going down apparently. And the boy Chucky, I call him Chucky because he's a fat little monster. His name's Brock, he's a fat little monster.

He's wearing his best funeral ed hearty. And there's three people at this funeral. Yeah, the two of them and- Well, there's four and one of them's dead. Well, right. Yeah, Brock, the younger brother, is every kid that's ever kicked an airplane seat. He's their avatars. Who's my deus? He's their avatars. Where's my DS?

It's a plain animal crossing. They yell at you if you go away too long. That's true. So and in the tradition of Hollywood and particularly Christian movies, of course, we're going to meet the CPS guy, the child protective services guy who will be the fucking bad guy in this movie because he's saying, no 17 year old guy, who will be the fucking bad guy in this movie, because he's saying, no 17 year old girl, you cannot take custody of your 12 year old brother. At the funeral. At the funeral.

This is social, like, casket down and I'm breaking up your family, this is what I got, I got like kind of appointments today, I had to be here during this. To be fair, the sister is like, and dips, like it is weird to claim dips in your little brother. I think there's a moment of this family's kind of the solemnity and the meaning of this funeral that she puts one shitty wilted daisy thing on the coffin. And he puts the funeral program on the coffin. Here's a C-Rock's to take to heaven.

Yeah, here you throw this away, mom. Right, it's a fucking program. I don't, I'll just put it here. I don't know what to do with it. I just wanna put it in no garbage around. They don't have recycling at this particular cemetery. This is going in the ground anyway. The receipt from my t-shirt that I'm wearing.

Also, am I the only person that like saw the part where the social worker says, hey, you're not old enough to take care of your brother? And I'm like, she's 27. Yeah, who I am. She's a day. She was woman. She could have been his mother.

Yeah, no kidding. She has a hip bone for a jaw. She does. She has a strong jaw. She looks kind of like Buffalo Bill wearing Ronda Rousey as a skin suit. If you're a fat and a subscriber. Who's wife said we were mean? That's bullshit, we are not.

Oh, like in a good way, Ronda Rousey. They're compliment. One of the foremost female athletes in the world. She is the most beautiful member of the Leno family. And fun fact, the only athlete I can name. I think you're selling K-Sean Mankin's a little short there. So okay, so now it's time for the kids to go home and pack their things so they can go off to their broken homes. And we learned that these kids are in California and we basically we see LA through the eyes of Mormons who have

never been outside of Leeds, Utah, which is just random Mexican standing around doing drugs and holding guns at each other like this. And just by the two black trans women taking turns stabbing each other outside the front door and just, all right, now you go crystal butter. And my turn. And by the way, the location was like BYU student housing. Yes, it was. It was right. It's supposed to be like Compton.

But you can clearly see like a ward house. So it doesn't. But it is scary enough that what happens is that they get out of, I don't mean to jump the gun on this, but they, they all get out of the car and social worker gets so afraid of the street tuffs hanging out nearby that he's like, you guys go do your thing, I'll be back in an hour. Yeah, I know that I'm in charge of you and I'm responsible for your welfare and safety,

but these people are scary. Go back your shit and I'll be back. It was either that or he realized he could get blown sheep in that neighborhood. Also, can we talk about, because we've already seen it twice, and it's gonna be a big part of the show, can we talk about that guy's fucking car?

Oh my God. Mark almost died. Okay. So I'm a movie guy, that car, it is amazing. At the funeral, this lavender, you know, Plymouth quazar, whatever the fuck this thing is. I think it's a Ford Aspire, a 94. That is an automatic name.

And the windshield is so caked with dead insects and salt and sadness and tears. Like it is disquiv, if anybody who works in movies that was on that set when that happened, you're fucking disqualified for the rest of your lives from working on a movie. It's so sad. There's a new one on set had Windex.

Right, what? It wouldn't have done any good. And the cars just beat to shit. Like the fenders are all beat in. Yeah. No, sexy. It was hot. It was a social worker's car.

That car is obviously a result of someone going, Benders are all beat in. Yeah. No, sexy. It was not. This is social workers. That car is obviously a result of someone going, will y'all could use the car my daughter dad in? If you ain't afraid of hints. So, so the social worker drives off and he says, okay, I'm going to leave. I'll be back in an hour, kids who don't want to go to the houses that they're being assigned to. Don't go running away. Well, I'm going to leave. I'll be back in an hour, kids who don't want to go to the houses that they're being assigned to. Don't go running away.

Well, I'm one. So they go into the apartment and they go to run away. And they're going to do it with the most ridiculously oversized goddamn suitcase you can imagine. It's this big. Yeah, it's the screen. It is a bill your table of suitcase. It's a, it's a houseboat. I really haven't sorted out their plan. It is a bill your table of suitcase. It's a houseboat. I don't have a newspaper.

I really haven't sorted out their plan. I think they were both going to get into the suitcase, but they hadn't really figured out how that gets them away. It's like a two bedroom in New York suitcase. Yeah, right. So the boy goes to the sister is packing. Her name is Kira, the son of son of the brother Brock goes back to pack and there's a street thug in his room.

He's named spree. He's a pretty white boy from Lehigh. His name is pretty. But in fairness, he did have a nose ring, and that is Mormon for bad influence. Well, yes, clearly. So I really wanted them to all be named after Candy. President, and this is Skittle. This is fucking sweet tart.

And I'm chuckle. This is serious. We're in a gang. Stop laughing. I'm chuckle. What, fuck, do I have to be Candy Corn? So, yeah, and okay, so this character's pre, he comes in and he says, Hey, Brock, this is the McGuffin, hold on to it for me. It'll come back in the third act.

And then the sister comes through and kicks him out. And that is all we get of that scene. I just, one again, movie guy, weird note. The only thing on the wall in this entire house is a wrinkled Turkish flag. I don't know why. They're clearly not Turkish. A house with only white people in it.

And that's, yeah. Yeah. So, okay, so they go on, that their plan is to take mom's car and drive away. But apparently mom's car has been repossessed, which they can't see until they get right in front of the parking space that it was in. Right. Yeah, they got all the way across the parking space and they're like, oh wait.

And their reaction to this is not like, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? It's, oh mom, you scamp. Your heroin addiction has gotten us into a big ol' again. I want that sitcom, just mom blowing a guy behind a dumpster. Boom! So, yeah, so they don't have the car they thought they were going to have. The social worker shows up and they're like, oh fuck, we'll steal that. If only one of us knows how to hotwire a car in two seconds with no tools in the dark.

Fortunately, they have an eight year old. Yeah. Well, he's, but he's fucking harsh this kid. Oh, yeah. He does wear a gold chain. Yeah, well, right. Straight gangs to yo. So they hotwire the car.

They go to drive away, but then just then, a gang of, I can't say Mexicans because none of these actors were Hispanic at all, but they're clearly, you can tell by these, by the voices that they're trying for it though, right? I say, oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. This is where the real racism just launches. This guy is, the guy is, his name is Russian. I don't know, is this?

Yes, Alex Petrovich. Petrovich. And he's like, Russian. Orale, S-A-W-T-Do-I-H-H-O-T-U-K-A-D. I'm gonna bust a cap and you S-A-Come on. I don't look good. And mommy, he calls her mommy like 4,000 times in his film.

Yes. Have you ever taken your racist dad to a Mexican restaurant? That was this guy's influence just he sits down. Well, I think I'll have the HALO BANS. That's it. Yeah, Dad, I think Claire, our waitress, thinks we're going to lose. Before we continue, are there any members of the Latin Kings here? We have other material we could do.

Yes, they're okay, great. We'll alternate. Moving on then. So this kid comes out. Oh, by the way, the main, the head Mexican in this movie is named pitch. Pitch. Spree and pitch. Yeah. I wanted to all be famous atheists and also candy. Yeah, there you go. But this is Richard Dawkins, a fellow of the society, AKA Twizzler.

You don't want to fuck with Bertrand Russell, man. He's OG. So yeah, now barely if this gang is looking for spree, the guy with the McGuffin from earlier, and they don't, they say they don't know where he is, and then they get into a little fight, and then they drive off. This will be very important later, but much fucking later. So, they drive off and they're stolen a car, and the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Brox's where we go and the sister says you taunt him like no one ever did that on purpose And then I remember that I just did that on purpose so I had to erase that fucking joke By the way, can we talk about the music that how the Jesus Christ again the writer director did all of the music for this? We'll write our director a tour Chris Hymerdinger. I mean So the song that starts out,

like they've just gotten out of a very, like they just had a gun pointed at them by a Latin gang in a Los Angeles. And then up starts Peewee's big top Mormon adventure. Yeah, right. It's a weirdest song. It's so, I don't know. It was crazy. Yeah. So it's like, I don't know, it was crazy.

Yeah. It's like, Kaliope music. Yes, yeah, Mormon Kaliope music. So they drive overnight and we have some conversation between the brother and the sister of this boring and goes nowhere. But eventually they reach this creepy place in leads and they need a pop scare in this moment. I mean, do they need it pop scare in this moment. I mean, they're so amazing.

Do they need it? They apparently want it. Yes, they want it. So what they do, they're driving down the road and also they're having trouble with the car. They're using the car as out of gas sound effects. That will not be what it is. And all of a sudden, a kid falls on their hood.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfff. By fucking Spider-Man. In a forest. In a forest. Yeah. Rolls off. And he runs off.

This will never make more sense than it just did. There will never be a reason. There will be no tree. No. That child just fell from heaven. Although I gotta say that I feel like non-Utons might suddenly feel like they understand why Mormons have such big families, and they're all just falling from trees all of a sudden. And they pull up to this house where a mother walks out and so many goddamn kids follow

her that they have to know it's a fucking joke. Yeah, it's like a mean thing to do about Mormons, the amount of children that like crawl from underneath the porch and emerge from flower pots and just like half child lumps across the scene. A clown car pulls up and everything right or 50 more. It's the end of every sperm is sacred.

Yeah. It's the hills have beautiful blue eyes. LAUGHTER Yeah. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yes, sir. LAUGHTER

He's done for the night. So each of us gets to leave after our first applause breaks. So... Do I... do we also get, I'm gonna, I just need to talk about the tree with the violins. Oh, yes, please. Yeah. Because there's a moment where they pull up

as they're pulling up and there's a dead tree with like 14 violins hanging from it, which I just assumed was the Blair Witch Philharmonic. Is that what that is? But she reacts like that scary and not just weird. She's like, oh, I'm a quarter violin. I do not like it. So they pull them up. And this is apparently, this is Aunt Corinne. She will introduce each of her kids. We will never need to know any of these kids,

but they're going to spend time with all of them. And the characters could not be more bored as they announce. Like she says it as quickly as she can. Like, debate, speak. She's like, you remember you and my mom fell out when I was a little kid, and we didn't talk anymore, and then we were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I wear a way, but I always used to spend my summers here. Right?

Yep. But the key to this conversation is we have to learn that Kira, the main character, has, well, the second main character after the After effect smoke, had an imaginary friend, a Native American boy named Donnie when she was a kid. Kid Donnie. Yes, Kid Donnie.

Kid Donnie. Yeah. So, and all the girls that, all the cousin girls are like, I was always so jealous of your schizophrenia. I wanted imaginary friend too. They also, this is where they first start talking about being scared of the whistlers. This also will never make any more sense than it just did. I feel like this meeting the whole family in the living room

was the prequel to the Texas Chainsaw Master of the Republic. Like they're all young. And that girl Sharon pops up behind the couch and says, I'm Sharon. I can't wait to eat your liver. Right. Right, would not be out of place whatsoever.

But they play this so weird because they all stand on a balcony and they're like, those woods out there are haunted and full of ghosts and everything. And the woods that they've chosen for this. They are so shitty like it's not woods so much as a Wood They have like a bent tree like scrub oak It's just a two by four. It's a water two by four. It's the wood is a tree with a mirror on either side Basically, yeah desert wash full of garbage and like

This state of full of beautiful forests. And they're like, and that one by the culvert behind the came art. That's good. Let's shoot there. The ugliest I've never seen an ugly forest until this. Yeah, right. So, and of course, at the same time, we've got Brock catching up with the, with the boy cousins, so that we can have this very important side story about the Yugi O'Karts that we will spend nine scenes on and will never matter. Never matter. This movie constantly is like, hey, would you care for some, go fuck yourself. You learned a thing. And here's the problem. I have a college education. It's all gone.

I don't remember any of the math or the science or the spelling, but people are like, hey, what does he turn into in Miracle Man? Oh, he turns into a wolf, but then later he turns into a bat. What was my dad like? Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!

Pfft! Oh, and speaking of shit, they will never fucking matter or come back. This is also where we meet the dad of this family. Oh, good lord, people. Okay, first quick, quick thing. We have met, Gamcast has met this dad before. Yes. Oh, yeah.

This was, as these guys say, the angel Moroni. And the book of Mormon, the journey, begins, standing on a kitchen stool in Joseph's bedroom. I'm sorry. You cannot pretend that there is a correct pronunciation to anything that Joseph Smith ever fucking sat. Pfft. No, Mark, come back, it's okay.

He's just going back there for, for Heath's backstage, Scotch. I had to find it. I think too, sometimes you go backstage. Yeah. So, but the doubt in this movie, apparently he has a mental defect of some sort. So he's got like basically memento syndrome, but only with his kids. So whenever his kids come up, they have to introduce themselves. You guys, it's amazing. You need, it's,

he literally all of his kids go, hi, I'm Saraya. And he's like, Saraya, I love you. And then the dog comes up and says, Rope and he's like, whoop, I love you too. This is, hi, banister, I love you.

Yes, yes. And because he's got 50 fucking kids, it's like half the movie. Watch it, it's a weird, so you're like, this is gonna pay off at some point. So you're like, this is going to pay off its point. Oh, no. No, it would be some reason at some point why that happened. Yeah. But

then Kira comes up to this and mom's like, no, this is Kira. Your knees, please put your dick away. He's like, I want, I want this one to be the wife now. Go away, dry one. Go away. I'm tired of your desert touches. Small, mandible woman, although in fairness to her role play night at that household has got to be amazed. Oh, almost, almost old mama. She was a dry hog. Like she was nice. She was nice. He genuinely thinks he's fucking the cleaning woman every Wednesday. I can't honestly think that's happening. He doesn't know who that boy is, that lady is. So they all sit down for dinner.

We get the best actress in the movie, the little girl that says grace. That was just a little charming moment. I love you then at the end of her thing. She's like, and please don't let us find out if they both have been sucking dicks all the way across California to make it here. She really does. She's like, please don't, please bless that they aren't in trouble with the law. She actually says this about the new people in there. Did we skip past the fire poll? I feel like we did. We did. There's a fire poll. Hold on. Yes. Thank you. There's a goddamn fire poll in there.

Well, because there's 29 kids that all have to get downstairs at once. Love that. It would take 15 years for them to all take the stairs. I feel like that's for when dad has an episode. All right, I feel like dad wakes up and he's like, who are you? And they're like, I'm Serai and he goes,

no way, layman night. And they're like, all right, fire, fire pole. Fire pole, I'll hold them off with a chair. Come on, Dan. But I think, remember my dry mandibles? I think most families in Southern Utah, though, it's very close to the loom. No, it is.

It's close to the loom. It's just, I'm trying to paint a picture for you guys here. Did you guys not have a loom growing up? By the fireballs. I used to fall asleep You guys not have a loom growing up by the fire pole I used to fall asleep to my mom just looming away correct Correct your claw correct your claw right? That's not the noise. Oh, no Practice Those are Yiddish loom sounds

It only makes Yamakas, a Yiddish loom. But if you put skin on it, the lampshades, gorgeous. Oh, okay, so it's like gay suns the Holocaust. What if you kick your son out of the house, but it makes him survive the Holocaust? How do you feel about that? Oh. All right. Some of you were upset he survived the Holocaust.

It's good to feel this room. It's good to feel this energy. Noah start recording right after this. Yeah, right, right, yeah, no problem, no problem. You can be amazed what Morgan can do. So, yeah, so they all go to bed, try to figure out what the fuck's wrong with this weird ass family.

And I want it so bad for somebody to say they're hormones. Like there needs to be more explanation. So the next morning, Kira wakes up, gets in her best Kellyanne Conway going to an auguration outfit. I feel like Robin's egg blue and strangely bright coral pants feels like a great outfit. Yeah, right. Well, what you need for that is most of a jacket.

Well, when you're poor, you can't afford a whole coat. I see. So you just have one that comes to about her mom sold it for a fix, like the lower half of her denim. So now she's going to wander into those haunted woods and have flashbacks about her imaginary friend, Kidani. And for the six or seven's time in a movie, Blow Pass to No Trust Passing Sign, it's making me crazy, but there's no respect for the law in this fucking place. And so as she's doing this,

and we've got these weird little pan flute sounds, which I guess are supposed to be ominous. Mm-mm-mm-mm. Ha! Ha! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr It's not us that that breathy wooden flute means laminites. Yes. That's so. That's so the blind will know that there are dusky people on the screen.

Now I'm just picturing missionaries walking through Harlem and they're just like pull out a pan flute. Oh, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm there, and it's, nothing is happening, there's nothing creepy, but they keep shooting it as those, something creepy was happening, and scored as those, something creepy was happening. And then all of a sudden, old grand belief shows up. Oh my God, it's like Santa and Papa Smurf merged into a person. A little bit of Wilford Brimley, he's got the suspenders and the belt at the same time. Yep, it's like she said diabetes, diabetes,

diabetes, the whole year. And he just pops up behind her. I had fat Ted Bundy because he's a local favorite, huh? Ted Bundy. The whole of it. OK, so it's like Holocaust, gay sons, Ted Bundy, you just like, that was all cool, was that like a team sport thing? Your son of Sam, you were like, come on, 47.

You can't. Don't make fun of our local heroes. We have our local favorites. You should leave them alone. Yes, he Ted Bundy just cleared the room. Somebody's leaving for that one. Anyway, back to grandpa's pedophiles, Woodwright's shop. leave him alone. Yes, he said, but he just cleared the room. I can see him leaving for that one. Anyway, back to grandpa's pedophiles, Woodwright's shop.

Yeah, well, that's the fucked up thing, okay? Because if this movie was about pedophile, murderer, psychotic, grandpa in the woods, this intro makes perfect sense, right? It's true, because he tries to scare her. Yeah. He's like, he tells the tale of the crazy things that used to happen in these woods and then and then she goes you frightened me and his literal line is I Do that a lot

Which to me like Jesus Papas Murf like maybe it's time to work on those social skills then because not nice Yeah, not cool and he follows that, I used to scare your grandma too. And then one day I finished it. Because grandma's not in the movie. Right. He doesn't go, I miss her. He goes, used to do that to grandma too, period.

So, he opened that scene by saying, I saw you come into the woods, so I followed you here. Again, it's not the psychotic killer. Yeah, so now like a fucking idiot, Kira's going to follow him back to his warehouse full of sharp objects. Don't do it. Right? But apparently, Grandpa's job is to carve violence, because apparently, violence are carved. Sure.

Who knew? Eli has the floor. The other side of my couch just started screaming. I'm not sure my wife is aware that I'm real. She might think I'm like a bad dream, and I get it. Look at me. But when grandpa comes out and is like, I figured out Strativarius's secret varnish. It was just from the other side of the room, just all range and anger. And would anyone care to point out what it turns

out strativarius's secret was? Well, you see, when you want, if you want to make a perfect violin, you have to carve a thanks to God in the violin. That's how he makes the secret-amazing violin. No, that's the point it. Like a gymnast with a broken ankle. Thanks to God. Oh. So it was like you guys expected me to actually give out Stradivarius the secret.

They're like, fuck, man, we're going to make some bank off of this shit. Also not for nothing, but this violin maker in lead Utah has created an article-themed violin. Yes, with a ship in the lead on the back and an anchor in the little nook thing. Like what? I think that's the only violin they could borrow from Leeds High School.

Yeah, right. And had a ship on it. Yeah. Also they couldn't borrow a violin player. No, no, no. And this actor is baffled by the concept of violins. Like they had it around it, but like we watch this guy. He likes to the violin, he shakes

it like a polaroid, he puts his face inside it blows and there's no idea. He might as well lay the violin on the table and just like sword fight it. It's like frozen arm and the music being played has nice, he's just like, man, he puts it inside the violin, stabs it through itself, like a Japanese businessman that failed and then... BOOM! Although, okay. So, Ted Bundy Japanese businessman, gay son Hollikas.

By the way, that's the name of my new band, Ted Bundy Japanese businessman, gay son Hollikas. We're playing here next week. Please come. It's just drops of Jupiter over and over. Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Internet says that show was just canceled. It was over. Cause you music business! So, yeah, so we learn that Grandpa makes violence when he's not fucking breakfast, cereals,

or whatever. And then we come back over to the gangbangers. Because we have to advance that important element of the story. This is where Hitch comes in and finds spree, and we get an honest agon on ironic Hitch slap in the movie. But it's like, again, it's like... It's like if you're getting a facial, but you only have like two minutes.

Oh, oh, oh, that okay, that's correct. Wait, time when he's woman, make with the honey. That works for either of your definitions of facial, which is... Yeah. Come by to York sometime, we do it right. So yeah, so they slap him around, he says, hey, I gave the big up into the kid, he's supposed to call me later in the movie, say, act three, breakish, you know, right around there, second interstitial or so.

And then we go back to the bat shit Mormon family, where they're diagnosing what's wrong with the car. It needs, and I quote, a new carburetor and a new alternator, which is at least a car part that was in cars in 1994. And that could have been. And the flux capacitor was fine. And then right then, mom gets a call from California Child Protective Services and hey, you know, those kids that showed up, they're, they're fugitives from justice who stole my car.

It's important to note that mom at this point is so covered in dough. Literally arms face. Yes, yes, it's like a baker's bucocchi party. It's every part of her. She looks like she was in a gag making pizza pie. Lucy and Ethel, she's just fucking covered in dough. Don't you people pretend like half of this audience didn't have like wet dreams about Mormon mothers covered in dough?

I know you all did. I certainly did after this movie. Right. So, and by the way, her response is, oh, the kids are wanted by the law, still your car. Oh, their mom's dead, they didn't tell me, okay, bye. And the guy's still in the middle of going, and by the way, another thing.

Yeah, I know a different thing. No, I got my dough. No. And hey, does that ever come back? No. That social worker got hung up on me. It was like, that's the last time, Gerald. Yes.

I just shot myself in pantomime and going at home. I did it under the chin because I meant it. But we are not recommending you shoot yourself under the chin. This is a joke. And if I were joking, I would tell you you always want to point it up towards the base of your brain to the control. The most, I'm just saying don't ruin your dad's weekend. People that'll roll you around to baseball games pretend you think things from now on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So mom hangs up, she goes outside to talk to Kira, and I have to point out that at least 40% of Mark's notes

are lighting related. Dude. This is the most alarmingly fucking lit movie I've ever seen. Did you know I'm Juliet? Because there was a lot of light. It's like this. There was more than most Christian movies, there was actually light. Yes, there was a lot of light. It's like this. There was more than most Christian movies. There was actually light.

Yes, there was. I mean, more into the sense that like, is lead you talk closer to the sun than the rest of Earth? The most beautiful times the day to shoot a movie are in the morning in the afternoon. So they're like, no, fucking noon. Every day, every minute. And you can just see the people like they're dying in this light. They're so hot.

I think one of the actresses hair caught on fire at one point. Yeah, it was just, it was, it was fucking painful. So now we have to, the movie has to go check on in on Brock because there's a Yugyo side story that we're not even going to get into because it's stupid. It's basically though, it's just a way for us to get to the big earthquake, right? Yeah. Okay, segue. It's so smooth. Yeah.

You, you know, speaking of way to earthquake. Yeah, exactly. You need a natural disaster in your movie. The best way to get into it is 85 minutes of you, you'll get a, right? It's like, oh, okay, a blue eyes, white dragon. Obviously, that expired in volume two of the set. So unless you're planning not to play professionally Brock, unless you're planning not to play professionally Brock, we're gonna need you a new set of cards, asshole. What are you running a green magic, the Gathering Deck two? Piece of shit.

Rumble, rumble, rumble. Rumble, rumble, rumble. Earthquake. Cation Mankins. Um, so, so yeah, so then we get an earthquake because apparently someone stole all the letters of the Jewish alphabet or something. That's so much better of a reaction than I got it, Platinum.

And I thank you. So, while you guys was like, I don't listen to the show. Don't care for it. You guys are mean. So they have an earthquake, which causes a power outage. So we get to see what this family would theoretically look like if they all slept together in the living room, you know, like you do after an earthquake.

It was hot. Yes. Like, why would it for heat? Why would you do that? No. Like dad just rolls from inside the fat kid, like a ton. Was that not a ton, ton? I was like, yes.

What? He didn't introduce himself as the problem. He didn't say he was my son. I was just running away. My boy. That's on him. He knows I have the memento thing. So can I cut you open if you don't explain?

You're a bad son, I'm a good father. That's John, but in here. See, this is why. I'm so glad you're here, Andrew. Just, if you want, Andrew, just raise your hand. I might need you in a hurry. So, okay, good, good. He guided me through the suicide bit like an orchestra.

So, you've heard a lot of my singing tonight. Yeah. So you've heard a lot of my thing tonight. Yeah. Like an angel. So the power comes back on the next morning. Kira wakes up. It's a miracle. Yes. So that's in her belt, which is fucking weird.

And then she wakes up and she goes back out into the creepy woods. So she's walking through. She sees this, I guess, this supposed to be a fault line, which is actually just a trowel being dug across. Yeah, it's like, it's like the main scenic, like, element of this movie, and it could fit in a golf bag. Yeah.

It's like three feet long and six inches wide. You're like, oh my God, it's a rift and spacetime. There's actually a, it's like, oh no, it's just a driveway. There's a six foot tiktonic plate that could fit in a place like this. That's true. The leads plate. Someone drew a pussy on duct tape

and laid it on the ground. And they're like, there, made your prop for your movie. And she's scared of it. So, she sees it. And she doesn't know it. She like steps over it. She thinks she sees something and she goes back. She may be supposed to do a run double jump or something.

Yeah. She's acting like me at the edge of every dance floor ever in my life. Like, oh, there's a darker person doing terrifying stuff. I just think I saw a layman night. No, I'm going to go back to her. She runs back behind line on my base. I'm on base. I'm safe.

And you know, Heath, if you dressed like she did, I would dance with you. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Tight, high corduroy's and whatever that great talk was. I have a change in the back. He doesn't like full jackets. The really nice part is that we get to see close-ups of her Siberian combat boots.

What the fuck was he trying to do with those? Yeah, they were like, like, Admiral Bird's exploration ice-climber boots. So, and when she steps over this riff, she suddenly sees an engine. Yeah. I call him Osmond Mocha. He's beautiful. His teeth are spectacular.

Truly, like, I mean, we learn that he's like from ancient times or whatever. This man had teeth like you would not believe. Actually, I think we may have a picture of him. Do we have a picture of this gentleman? We're gonna... Yeah! You know, like Indians looked. Right.

Well, like Jews looked. Come on. I don't want to be a Nazi about this. Before we get rid of this picture, I just need you all at home, people at home. He's his sword so that it's not ridiculous. Is wrapped in duct tape. He's in there. Yeah, yeah. No wait, there is duct tape, but I feel like that on the outside of that, there's some bands of Scotch tape, which I think give it a little bit of extra, oomph, I think it's- Like that would be the most anachronistic thing.

He's carrying a fucking sword. So that should pretty much do it. Yeah, so she sees this guy. He looks like he just killed a Roman soldier and like a chip-and-dale's dancer, and also like alien and predator, and he just took a couple accessories, that's his one. He looks like a very specific form of Mormon stripper, right? Right.

Oh, no, I'm not looking for a gallianton. Do you have an anti-me fight Lee? Bill you're up and he's just in front of a giant closet of fur and feathers. Do I have a cemetery yet? No, this is the time. What makes sense? What's great about this, so like he says to her, like she runs away and then she comes back and he's, she's like, what are you?

And he's like, no, no, no, I'm your old friend that was your imaginary friend. Don't worry, it's me, Codona. I dress like a leather turkey now. Yes. Yeah. And it turns out... It's the best description ever. He's a mascot that stands out in the corner for a fucking turkey restaurant.

Butterball. But this, of course, freaks her right to fuck out. So she runs home, runs up the stairs, climbs on the bed, hugs a pillow, and then she's like, mm, and now I'm done, I'm gonna go downstairs because that scene's over. I guess. So she goes down to join everybody for breakfast, and they say, oh, it's amazing,

you know, the epicenter of that earthquake was right by our house. So a bunch of geologists are coming out to check things out. Geologists. Well, yeah, that's, I mean, her fucking reaction is, geologists, I'll have them nowhere near my fucking home. Like, so just to be clear, the bad guys in this movie right now are a social worker and a field of science.

Yes, so that's the bad so. That's the bad guy. That's the bad guys in the book of Mormon, too. Yeah, they, they, they, ha ha ha ha ha. True. It's the bad guys for that whole religion. They don't like either of those things. This family talks about geologists,

like Newt talked about the aliens. Are you right? Just don't move. They only come at night. Ha ha ha. Don't breathe. Don't start. So yeah, so, but now she, I guess, has to go back out They only come at night. Don't breathe. Don't start.

So yeah, so, but now she, I guess, has to go back out and tell a Codoneye, that's the guy that you guys just saw on the screen. She's got to go back and tell Codoneye that, you know, to look out for the geologist because they will geolage him. What the fuck is your freight is going to happen? They're going to measure the shit out of you? Get the fuck out of here. They scraped some dust off his shoulder.

Hey man, you're fucking impossible. Great. You ruined my brown osman. I was gonna ride that like. So yeah, and by the way, if you're curious, no, the geologists will never show back up in this movie. We're done with them now. So she rushed back off into the woods to finish the scene from earlier.

She steps back over the go back in time rift. And the Indian dude there, they finally have this conversation. I want to point out, by the way, this dude is every bit as native American as Eli. Well, no, no, in fairness to him, if your people came from Israel to the Americas, it only makes sense that they would look like a Polynesian, right? Well, right. Isn't that what that's? Oh, so she goes back in, and now we have to have the suspension of disbelief moment where

these two characters are like, wait, I'm from back in time. You're from back in time. What would that even mean? You know, you're from the past and he goes, the what? Yeah. So, pretty sure they had past in the past.

What the fuck did he mean? It would be awesome if it turned out he was Adam. It's like, oh fuck, that just blew my mind. Dude, I'm the first one, there is no pass. Exactly. What is Apple? The Joseph Smith is most like, hold on, did they have the pass back then? So he explains to her that he's in Nephite warrior and all his people have fled to Zerahemla

and he starts to like angrily summarize the book of Mormon at her but then she has to cut him off because you can only get two sentences in before sounding really fucking stupid there. So she gets about two sentences in and he gets about two sentences and she's like, wait a minute, none of this shit makes sense. He's like, yeah, I'm glad you cut me off, actually, because it wasn't about to get better. And then, of course, you warns that the geologists

are coming, and of course, you're all just... Or all the geologists, right? Yeah, right. Save yourselves. Your tape-bound sword is useless against them. So, just compasses start to stick in trees next to their heads. They're going to be like,

so yeah, and now she goes to take off and he tries to stop her, but she walks right through him. Pretty fucking sexual. Yeah, it was so yummy. She was time pregnant. She's going to. It's just a fucking, though, I want wanna see them use the time rift thing. Yeah.

This is glory. Oh, right? You want to see it? You stick your dick through it, and you see what happens. You wanna test it? Oh, she's just sucking a 15,000 year old dick. Exactly, you lie.

You get me. You get me. Ha-ha. All right, Pew, you have to. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. All right, so she goes to head back out. Her brother's like, you know, who were you talking to? She's like, nobody's like, I'm not buying this.

You weren't hanging out with a fucking hippie knee fight bullshit. Come on, come clean here. And all the kids here, I'm saying this and they're like, oh, you met one of grandpa's ghosts. So again, grandpa kills people in the back. He's like, what was all that screaming last night? They were all most of them one of them ghosts. Whistlers. It was Whistler, yeah, you heard the whistlers.

What do you think he makes violins out of now? Ha! Ha! Beautiful, beautiful, nautical violin. Ha! Now that would have been an awesome, like, the, it turns out the secret to the varnish is Soil and Green.

Yeah. That would have been an awesome fucking twist. Work your fingers on the trachea, Fred. So she goes to see grandpa to ask him what a neophyte is. And he says, it's pretty solid evidence that Joseph Smith ran out of creativity about three pages in. It's like an old timey Mexican Jew. Like in a good way.

That's whatever the fuck that means. It's wonderful because even the movie can't have him explain it. He just goes, oh, they were a people who lived long ago where in this hemisphere, he does ago. Where? In this hemisphere? He does! He does somewhere in this hemisphere. He doesn't even specify if he means east,

western, north, south of that point. You know, around. You sure do ask a lot of questions. I also, I love that, because she literally does say grandpa, what's a Nephite? And his answer is, where did you hear that word? As though they're trying to keep, like Mormons really want to keep their shit a secret.

Yeah, but there's one thing we know about Mormons, they don't want to get now. What's happening in their book. And then he gives her a Costco-sized book of Mormon. Oh my god. It's like, oh. It's the best. He's like, here this one's from 1888. It still has the N word.

Yeah. That's it. And I love, do we go, now, most scholars believe that the Nephites live somewhere in central or South America. What the fuck do you think most means, grandpa? And by the way, my little sister is a historian in her area of expertise to Central and South America. I was watching this movie at her fucking house.

It was amazing. Like is that true? Is that what most of you think? I thought you were gonna say she was a geologist and I was just, I was gonna leave again. I didn't want to scare these fine people. What? Accompas sticks and marks back as he turns around. I just love Eli's vision of geologists.

I'm just always walking around with... I know nothing about that thing. They've got a rope and a stester. It's the same as religion. To me, I saw you walking around with test tubes and shit down. Come up to me after the show and be like, do you know that the sun is painted green? I'd be like, sure, nerd.

And am I ever going to go there? No, go away. If you like sure nerd. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Am I ever gonna go there? No, go away. There's a lot of nice pilgrims you can meet there. Yeah, there's nice pilgrims on the sun. And in case you were worried that ancient new fight time travelers were gonna be the least realistic thing about this movie. In the next scene, we now see her enjoying the Book of Mormon.

And I'm not sure, she's like walking around reading it, just walking through the scene. Let me do the music. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, turner she's like anti-need-fully high me fight such a good name solid writing this is a good better tight but I feel I feel like Mark's leading us in straight because these are actual songs with lyrics it's a weird Mormon thing of like it's got to be a song it can't just be instrumental right yeah I think there was probably the most expensive moment in

the movie because it was an entirely built visual effect of a person Being able to pretend they're enjoying reading the book. Yeah, right actress is even like They don't like CGI out the porn that she was Yeah, they just they put a play girl in over the pages. They were a kitten to look at Okay, I can do this So I guess now's going to go back out to the magic rock where she meets the the Nephite guy and and and show him the book of the future. And this is where apparently where we were in the script when the writer suddenly realized, fuck, they wouldn't speak English, would they? And we have to learn about the divine babble fish of time that is translating apparently

the spoken words but not the written ones for them. Boss, you want us to handle the right and two? No, fuck it. I mean, there's new aides. It's pretty cool. You guys want to see it? Alright, aids is about there. But there's this whole conversation between them, and they've had this a couple times

where it's like, the rift, it's getting stronger. It's getting bigger. It's getting wider, and I'm just, if you just did a super cut of that, the two of them talking about the rift getting stronger and wider, it would just melt BYU servers. That's the first. Somebody do it. So, and this is part of this massive effort, this movie to explain this goddamn time rift

in a way that makes sense, because they're gonna need it to do like eight different and contradictory things throughout the movie, right? So they're like going like what do you see when you look that way something different than what you see apparently Sometimes but not in a predictable way It's just start gate with no rules And no fucking none of it's based on fucking like if you were like well it comes right up to it It's just like every time grandpa's like hey who?

Carnish I'm gonna go through the rift now grandpa If you fuck tonight say I'm gonna go through the rift Especially if they weren't at the show. Ooh. Yeah, there you go. Sweetheart, it's a jungle in here. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- the little magic rock and talk about the plot a little bit and explain like, why was she so sad and why his parents were murdered by lame and I. And why she's wearing a fluorescent scuba suit. The war drooping was so bizarre. Also since we're on it, we might as well point out that like there are multiple times

in the show where she's wearing a spaghetti strap tank top. But Mormons know that you're supposed to wear's wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, but Mormons know that you're supposed to wear something under a spaghetti strap tank top. But wait a minute, she's not Mormon, so let's put another spaghetti strap tank top under the first one. She looked like Joan of Arc. It was just so fucking weird. I genuinely don't think that they all knew that women were allowed to only wear a single

shirt. I think there are moments. Is that okay? No, just put another one on. It's fine. Just to be safe, yeah. As long as she's got a corduroy bell bottoms and ice claiming boots. That the modesty balances out somehow.

But obviously, the sexual tension in this scene is so thick you could cut it with an agronistic cimitar so that's a perfect spot for us to take it break. But first I want to give act three the hard sell here. Will the geologist the brother of the fact get the violins or dad's head injury every factor into the story at all? If not, why the fuck would you piss away so much time on them? Will Kira find grandpa's lotion basket? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the bizarrely lit conclusion of Passage to Zera Hamla. Hey folks, as you can tell from these last couple of episodes, we here at God Off the Movies

travel a lot, which is why we're really excited about this week's sponsor away. That's right, Eli. And much like our own company, away was founded by two friends from New York who found themselves at JFK with dead phones, delayed flights, and a bright idea. But unlike the idea that occurred to us in that circumstance, which was, hey, Noah, when your face veins stopped visibly throbbing, you should write down some of the stuff you just screamed. They thought of luggage with power. The approach is simple. They create simple objects that are designed to be resilient, resourceful, and essential to the way you travel today.

I actually have one of these. I like my away, carry on because of the four 360 degree spinner wheels that guarantee a smooth ride, the patent pending compression system, great for overpackers like myself and the removable washable laundry bag that keeps dirty clothes separate from the clean ones. I get them super, super dirty sometimes. And I like my away carry on because it's made with premium German polycarbonate unrivaled and strength and impact resistance and very lightweight. So I can slam it down on the terminal floor in a fit of feral rage over the pointlessly

invasive theatrics. We call airport security in America without damaging the delicate recording equipment inside. You sure can know you sure can and I like it because both sizes of away carry ons are able to charge cell phones, tablets, e-readers, and anything else that's powered by a USB cord, anything else, including the things the nice people would have said I could not talk about charging in the airport in the end. And each away carry-on comes with a lifetime warranty. If anything breaks, they'll fix or replace it for life. You can even try it with the 100 day trial. And if at any point you

decide it's not for you, you can return it for a full refund. No questions asked. And their carry on sizes are compliant with all major US airlines, maximizing what you can pack and still fit into the overhead bin. If you're lucky enough to elbow your way through the bottleneck, throng of unwashed human flash well enough to make it into the plane before the overhead space is full despite the fact that the airline knew how many of us there would be based on how many chairs they put in. We tried our away carry-ons on this trip to Salt Lake City and before that in Austin,

and I have to say in all sincerity, I had no idea how much of a difference good luggage could make. And for $20 off a suitcase, visit awaytravel.com OFFAL and use the promo code OFFAL during checkout. Choose from a variety of colors and four sizes and take one more headache out of your travel. Again, visit AWAYTRAVEL.COM slash OFFAL and use the promo code OFFAL during checkout. Away. Traveling will still suck, but their stuff makes it suck less.

I don't want to give you notes on air now, but I feel like the copy says away first class luggage at a coach price. Yeah, that too. Oh, you surprised me. Oh, sorry about that. Just show you walking into these woods alone. And I thought you, you could use a bit of a scare. So, you know, you boo. Oh, thanks grandpa. No problem. I like your skin What nothing never mind never you And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action of this, what might be the most useless scene in

any movie ever or that ever will be. Mark? Okay, movie guy here. So if you know, writing and directing in a movie should propel some part of the story or the narrative or the characterization forward. Like what was it, nine minutes of all of our lives were just fucking expended by two horrible fat boys at a movie theater going, I don't wanna watch this. I don't wanna watch this. That's it. That's it.

I mean, they had one of them had good reason because some of the movies were rated things. Yes, so. But we don't know what women could could not go to the rated movies. No, we didn't know which movies because they could not afford to do the posters. They couldn't even afford to mock up fake posters. They just walked past things containing what should be posters. They couldn't afford a

poster for their own fucking movie. All right. To put in those frames. So there's like eight minutes of these two kids just going, and then that's it. Yeah. And you never come back to it. In case later on in the movie, you're thinking yourself, yeah, new, new, and then that's it. And you never go back to it. No, in case later on in the movie you're thinking to yourself, well, why the fuck wouldn't they be watching a movie right now? Yeah, film schools forever should examine this scene. It was, or what not to do. Yes. I'm good, I'm done, thanks.

And the entire lesson was just, don't see R and PG 13. Oh, and I have a music note for this scene, which is, slipknot has been redeemed by the blood of Christ. LAUGHTER I just feel like Bourbon should worry less about PG-13 movies and more about PG-13 marriages. LAUGHTER I feel like...

Heathen, right, ladies and gentlemen, that's a bold statement from Heathen, right? Boom! You're not? He's out. Get in here. Yeah. Gentlemen, that's a bold statement from Heathen, right? Boom. You're done. He's out. Thank you. Get in here. Ha, ha, ha. He's going for the backstage schedule. Always quitting the show.

Am I right? Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's nothing. You wrote that in. Whatever. So I'm back. I didn't quit. So we got a very important not watching movies bit. and now we have to go back to the house

where like four different plot elements are all going to descend on us at once, just to remind us that they're there. So now the evil laymen nights, they're not laymen nights, they're gadi, gadientans. Right. I probably pronounced that wrong and I don't give a fuck. Gadientan robbers. Yes, the gadientan robbers are, robbers have now managed to push their way through this time portal. And they are now descending on this Mormon household, which is of course the center of all

of space and fucking time. So we see the Lamanite camp just j, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, yes, Skylar is in an unfortunate amount of clothing, but he is greasy. He's all greasy. Unfortunately, the laymenites have chosen no clothing whatsoever in favor of branches and trees and stuff. And skulls on their head and covered in blood. It's, it's Temple of Doom cosplay. It's, it's Temple of Doom meets John Qsac and say anything

That is not the you remember when that was the song that he played He had his iPhone above his head We can't afford Peter Gabriel so we had to do that The book of love. He's long and boring. Nope. Nope. Now, also wasn't it.

So, yeah. So, now, as the Gadientan robber is sneaking up to eventually not Tomahawk the kid, also, Hira is reading the Book of Mormon some more, out loud to herself, sitting on the bed with her legs up kicking in the background. She's enjoying the shit out of it. Like a 1-900 sex line commercial, but she's reading the book of the nonsense. She's fucking loving it. She's like second Alma. I feel so dirty. Call me. Oh God, tell me there's not a second, Alma. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's our show now. Okay, no, you can't, no, you can't come back now, you all left. It's over, it's our show. So here's the, here's the amazing irony.

It's the Dan and I grew up Mormon, have not read the fucking Book of Mormon. I've made three guys have. I guarantee you, at least three quarters of the people in this room grew up Mormon. You three know way more ever had way more of the book of Mormon than anybody else in here We know everything except the pronunciations at this point. Yeah, that we do know No show with me and Lucinda on it was ever gonna pronounce all the words with me and Lucinda on it was ever gonna pronounce all the words for us. Alright, so we got these lame and lamer-lammers, whatever. You nailed it, Lucinda.

First try, every try. Wait, I'm sorry. I don't know if Lucinda's ever been here while you were doing your Lucinda impersonation. So, do I not do a flawless Lucinda? Hi, everybody. It's me flawless Lucinda. Hi, everybody, it's me, Lucinda. Ah, hey man, and hello. Me so siginy. Oops.

Oh, sorry. Sweet, man, I'm new. Hey, I'm sorry. She has a song now. Little jingle at the end. You wanna hear those singers? I've never heard those singers. I've never heard those singers.

I've never heard those singers. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things.

I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things.

I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. I've never heard those things. wheels across the state. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. So now in addition to the Gadient and Warriors showing up and the kid

reading the book of Mormon, the little son, the Brock kid, has called the... Okay. Okay, so Brock calls... Thank you. ...and, first of all, he's what is he a 12 of fat ass 12 year old gamer Yeah, that just lives on mountain dew and Cheetos and he knows what a landline is

He's like, oh, there's an iron my mom used to iron clothes with that before she died of a heroin overdose Yeah, so he calls up and he thinks he's talking to his buddy, spray, but spray apparently has an answer in this. So yeah, so he calls up and they're like, you know, it's freezing out here, but he told me you could leave your message with me. And he's like, yeah, I'm in leads, you tall. And we can really use you guys out here, like moving this plot forward a bit. So whatever you can make it, that would be great.

Hey man, we can be there like act three. Does that work for you? Yeah. Yeah. Can I, can I, is this the time when we point out that one of these fake jicanos has Charlie Brown strides buzzed into his hair all around? So someone in this movie was like, all right,

so what do fucking let's, you know, people look like. And then somebody was like, oh, Charlie Brown T-shirt haircut. It's the weirdest, it's this zigzag, like a two-inch thick zigzag that goes all the way around his head for no reason. The guy that taught Grandpa to play the violin,

cut that guy's hair. I see. It's fucking nightmarish. That dude was super useful on that set. Yeah, he was one of two guys on that set. Right. Right. So yeah, now so at this point, no, and the

getty-enton that was wandering around the house looks in the window and one of the girls sees him in screams and whatever. So now Kira has to go back out to her knee fight warrior and ask why the fuck blood-covered people in skull hats are showing up at the house. And this is where he first explains that these are the gadientants. And we haven't gotten, I think this is in third and fourth Nephines, so we haven't gotten to this part of the book. But immediately I started writing in my notes, I bet their leader is named gadientin ha.

They're leaders. I bet they live in the land of anti-gadientin. Ha. Ha're leaders. I bet they live in the land of anti-Gadiantin. Ha. Ha, ha, ha. So it's Gadiantin, hi. Yeah, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, it's not actually racist, but the way this guy is describing the gadientons, he's like, well, they're too lazy to, this is an actual quote, he says, they're too lazy to do any work on their own. They just live off of others.

He's like, they are vermin. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, movie, this is racist even by Mormon spirit. Right. They claim to be born around here, but they're pretty sure they're from Kenya. We got a glass. Okay, for word.

I like that he called them a secret society. I felt a little like, these guys are the Lamanite Illuminati. It's like these people. Yes, it's a Lamanite. That's it. You beat me to it, you passed that out. We'll cut that out. I was sitting here as hard as I could, bloodstreaming out of my nose.

Lame and looms, loom and lame and lame. Lammers, they're the lemurs. And he just the hardest anyone's thought about naming a Mormon thing ever. I'm the Mormon Eli Bosnick. No. Now, lame a Bosnick. Damn it. This man was a good, pretty good deal.

He likes Christian. He likes Christian. He likes Christian. So also, okay, so this is, now this is also way I have to introduce the very important horn prop. Apparently the Nephite warrior has a horn that if he blows this horn, then somebody else will blow their horn the whole army will come.

Keep talking, no. Keep talking. I like your version of the movie better. So she says, hey, I saw some gadientons. So the Nephank runs off to go warn his people. She runs off to go find grandpa. Now Brock, the little brother, has secretly been following them behind him. And when the Nephank runs off, he goes to follow it.

Because obviously this chubby ass 12 year old living in Cheetos, it's about Duke and he can follow the warrior. He can follow a 21 year old professional soldier for like five miles. Like, I mean, a stream with my Reeboks. And also, and of course, the highly trade warrior doesn't hear the fat kid huffing and puffing his way by the way. I wanted them so badly to fully this wrong and it's just him sneaking through the forest that's brought behind him.

They said if I ran the mile fast enough I could get the presidential medal. That was the torture they did when I was in school. Oh, I love that when they did that, because all the little skinny kids kick ass at pull-ups. Yeah, it was nice. I did the flexed arm hang, whatever. I was able to hang there for 20 seconds when I was doing any pull-ups, but without falling down,

you're welcome. That is because you are 40% loris. Yes. So the knee fight dude eventually runs through the time portal rift thing to Oregon. And the kid goes through as well, because he wants to see the land of a historical bullshit as well.

And suddenly he's surrounded by these ridiculous racist caricatures of Native Americans, played by people of approximately my level of Caucasianness. They got an Asian guy. Well, there was one Asian guy, yeah. They have every ethnic stereotype the writers could think of. Yes. There was a giant whiteboard meeting of brainstorming, and it was just like, peer-drop tattoos.

Good one. Okay, hat made of human skulls. Yes, yes. Covered in blood. Oh, it's blood. Oh, yes. Do we do grass skirts? Is grass skirts a thing?

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, keep going, guys. Keep going, because it's amazing. EBT cards hanging around their neck. What about like big ones? Ha ha ha. Drain to society, the name and I it's our. So they, yeah.

Their women give birth to actual anchors. So. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Right, so anchors, anchors is right here with Ted Bundy. So, Ted Bundy killing an anchor, baby. Okay, so it's where they conflict. Yeah, so. It's like a negative number plus a negative number. Yeah, exactly. So, and well, of course, while her brother's getting kidnapped by the engines, Hira is finding evidence of her dad in these woods.

She's, for some reason, decides that, you know, along the way, decides to start digging into the ground to see if anything important is there. Objection. Finding a gun buried in the dirt anywhere in Utah is not proof of your father. It is just proof that you're in Utah. Andrew, am I correct? Do you sustain my objection, yes. But I mean, overruled on the basis that she also found a rope attached to a piece of femur bone, which obviously does prove that it is her father.

Her father is around somewhere. Inclusive. Well, but here's the fucking thing. Again, if this is the story about crazy grandpa making violence out of human skulls, finding the rope femur in the middle of these woods makes perfect fucking sense. Right. What the hell was it in this movie? It's just proof that grandpa's been in the woods.

You're like, uh, fuck. It was shut up. That's what it was. He's making the harps accord. It's a Utah thing. You don't get to know about those. It was shut up. That's what it was. He's making a heart record. It's a Utah thing. You don't get to know about those. It's OK.

And also when they kidnapped the brother, by the way, they also have another captured slave from our time dimension. Wonder who that could be. Who's all bearded and everything. That'll be important. I wrote my fucking notes. Joe, I wonder if that's dead.

Do you know what? I honestly had lost track of the first scene of the movie so much, but then I'm like, oh, there's some blonde dude they've got. This is Laya, who cares? Who's found a gun? Whatever, I don't care. Can't please talk of it. Who, by the way, is no longer dressed like a hunter, but do you, is anyone in this room remember Captain Caveman?

Because I feel like he's in, like, I don't know. Yes, he's very furry. So now, Kira takes the rifle that she's just dug out of the ground. And she takes it to grandpa and demands that he makes God damn sense of this fucking movie for her. And grandpa's reaction to this moment where she's like, you didn't look for him, where could he have been? It was, I mean, we looked for two days. Oh, not only that, we looked for him and the elk. And the elk.

And the elk. So where the fuck did that go? The elk was reported missing at the same time. I'm just picturing a milk carton and half on half is just like an elk. In the arms and the angels. Now nobody's story checks out. Now meanwhile, Brock's kidnappers have accidentally wandered into the wrong time to mention

they're in modern times now and they can't figure out what the hell is going on and Brock turns into this actual line is don't you get it? You've passed into another dimension. Yeah dumbasses. Yeah, right. Figure it out. Piece of shit. You people from thousands of years ago and Joseph Smith's imagination. Yeah. So and now they come across the town. Now we have established earlier that the Gadi Entents are starving because they are too lazy to work themselves and the new fights have burned down all the crops. We know who he's talking about.

Yeah, exactly. They spent all their food stamps on lobster. So they come across this town, the town of Leeds, the metropolis where this movie's been taking place. And all of the evil laminites are like, is there food there? And it's like, I mean McDonald's. No, what's hilarious is they,

so have we established that the blonde caveman slave's name is Chris? Chris. And they're like, what's your name? Chris, psh. Yeah. Another good slap. The cannibals say, what's that? What's down there? He's like, what's your name? Chris, pfft. Yeah, and this is another good slap. The cannibals say, what's that?

What's down there? He's like, leads. What is that? Nothing. And then he says, houses, people. Oh. And so I was like, oh, and Interstate 15 and some municipal and county joint improvements

made possible by the 2007 bond initiative that thankfully passed. So the Rotary Park Pavilion, which is great, and the third street culvert really helps with spring run-up. And don't forget learning the learning addicts that provide some ESL reading for our layman She says. So I feel like I had to give leads a little props. Yeah, right, right, obviously. So now we get, we have the Lamanites or the Gadi Entons wandering through the town. And we get another one of those hilarious person from way back.

Then doesn't know how RC cars work. Why is it always RC cars? Do you people have RC cars? I know it's what you get instead of college funds, but is it? Big deal, do you? Okay, so RC, you're the fact that you have to go to higher education. Japanese businessmen there. Ted Bundy and then at this, but not at the same time. So now at this point, we have to cut back to Kira. She's realized that her brother's missing, so she has to run off and find him. At the same time, the gangsters from before are showing up.

And the hitch, the main gangster sees Kira running off into the woods. He's like, I'm gonna go rape Kira. Y'all go get the McGuffin. He's like, I'm gonna handle this alone. You guys go in the house, because if I know anything about Mormons, they're not armed. Yeah, right.

I'm Carl the Pugapekka corn for some reason. I have family in Southern Utah. And if you are going to, you think if you're pretend Mexican gangsters and you think you're going to do a home invasion of the house in Southern Utah, you better be fucking ready for spark. Rural utons that decorate their entire property with no trespassing signs, you're probably safe. Yeah, you won't run into any problems there. So we get this scene with the gadientons

and they don't know how cars work and everything. And they walk into this gas station. Now, this is one of those gas stations. If you've ever been in a, like, if you've lived in a small town at all, you've seen one of these before. It's this gas station, but it's got tables there where you can eat your fucking 7-Eleven hot dog there.

And I just wrote my notes, if there is a hell, for Heath and Eliott we'll just be eating three meals a day in that fucking gas station for the rest of time. Not cool. Not cool at all. I was like, where is the server? Okay, well, can I speak to the wine concierge at least? All right.

All right, I'll have three donuts to start and then six donuts. I want to do the tasting menu, but I don't. Three more donuts. Just bring it all together. I want to box the donuts. Why are you here? Why is this table service? This is fucking stupid.

Okay, so there's a line in here that's amazing when these blood covered cannibal savages walk in, and a bunch of these red necks are sitting around, and these guys had no idea what was happening, but somebody says, y'all with the mantab pageant. Now what these guys don't know is that the mantab pageant is a sad, shitty,

giant outdoor play in central Utah where white kids get themselves all smudged up in brown face to do book a Mormon stories. This feels like you guys need to come back next summer. We're all going down to Oh yeah, man type. Oh yeah. Everyone's invited. You're all coming. Man. We're all coming. We're going to ruin it for all of them. John, man type.

Okay. So, hey, look at, would you look at that? We're running behind. So, so now, okay, so they, they, they trash the gas station or whatever, figure out how to eat donuts and then they steal a car, but they need Chris, the dad from earlier that's been kidnapped. They need him to drive because they don't know how it works. So now he's driving him along.

The time dimension, rift portal thing suddenly works different than it has in the rest of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, the air to the left of the car gets wobbly and then he knows what to do. Yeah, right. He knows if he just slides in like so. All the bad guys will disappear back into their time dimension and they won't. And the him and the and Brock, the kid and Brock gets out of the car and he goes, what the

fuck, how does this work? It was earlier everyone went through it and Chris is super confident that this is how it works. So confident that he's like, oh yeah, no, that's their dimension and this is mine. And to prove this, the Gallianntons try to stab Brock with a spear, but it just goes through him. And this was another one of a hundred fucking times that someone failed to kill Brock.

Yeah, I hate this movie. But it felt like a weird test, right? You've been through this portal once in ever, and you're like, oh yeah, stand right in the way of that spear, kid, trust me. I've been through the portal a dose times. What's also great is that one of his next lines is, you can't predict how the risk will behave.

Yeah, he literally says that after he has just fully predicted everything that's going to happen. Or maybe he liked this kid as much as Mark like this kid and he's like, no, walk up to this kid. Walk right up to it. It's fine. It's weird because he was writer, director, composer, author, Chris Heimerdinger, delivering that line. Yes.

This is the universe he created. He clearly did not even understand. No. Like Strativarius. But you can disappear Lamanites is the key. Yes. If Trump sees this movie, we're going to be just like stuffing DACA kids into like de-lorians and shooting them

in like bolts. One point, 21 gigawatts, they're fucking gone. We don't need the wall anymore. Hold on, kids, I'm waiting for the advocate, wow, believe. Yeah. Still back there, nevermind. So only lead Utah as a sanctuary city.

So meanwhile, Grandpa is piecing all this shit together. He's back home reading the Book of Mormon going, wait a minute, I think I understand this. And as he's doing his VL reading that allowed from the book, Mormon, we see Dad and Brock rushing through the woods together. Lamanite goes just popping up left and right. All of them, by the way, have the same like, I'm going to scream as I run at you attitude of killing people, which seems counterproductive. And, and they're just popping out of portals all over the place, but they're running at full speed with weapons out. Yeah. So that means they were just running around.

Like, it's a nothing hoping to hit a portal. I really wanted to see that. Can we do the billionaire remake where one of them runs out and he doesn't know that there's a tree on the other side of the portal? Yeah. Boom. When portal is like eight inches up or something.

Yeah. They could have just laid out a ton of rakes as defended themselves. Pum. Pum. Also, this is where Hitch, the evil Mexican, comes across, I mean, I know that's redundant in this movie, right?

But Hitch comes across Kira, all helpless and rapable out in the woods. And he wants to know whether God damn McEuffin is. If this is the first time they explain to us what it is, by the way, they tell us it's a quarter of a million dollars worth of drugs. No, no, he just says quarter million street value. Yes, well, I assume that was drugs, I guess. I was thinking printer ink. It's a very small bag.

No, you can fit that much drugs into that bag. I thought it was, it's more than drugs. I thought it was a quarter million dollars in municipal county bonds or road improvements in leads. I'm like, no wonder he's been thought about it. The voters voted on this. Yeah, so we find out it's a quarter of a million dollars for the drugs and he also is going to go ahead and rape her.

But just as he's about to get to the raping, the knee fight warrior shows up to protect her. So he picks him up, throws him off, smacks him with a spear and- With the dull side. He doesn't want to hurt him. Well, right, obviously. And because this guy is Hispanic, of course, he has his switch blade, which he pulls out. Kind of odd, since we'll find out later that he also has a gun. Yeah, well, I think he's into de-escalation and proportional response.

So like a Puerto Rican in the movies, he starts with the folding knife. Yeah. It's the fighting ethic of the Russian Mexican. Yeah, that's exactly. So yeah, and so now we have a switchblade versus a spear. Seems like a huge advantage for the knee fight. But he knocks him over and then he knocks him unconscious and hugs, cure, and everything, but then Hitch stands back up and he's like, oh, I forgot. I totally, I fell on my gun or I would never remember that it was also back there. I feel pretty silly. I gotta be honest. Because now I'm gonna have to

scramble around and find my knife and everyone's gonna be like, hey man, I heard you trying to use a knife and a knife. I don't want to get it. So of course, he wakes up and he shoots the Nephite and drags Kira away. Is the Nephite dead? We'll have to find out later suspense. Kid owner. So now and Hitches' bunnies, of course, are off back at the house kidnapping the Mormon family. And I love this because these guys are from LA.

They have no idea what they're getting into. They go into the Mormon household and expect, you know, mom and maybe dad, maybe one, two, even three kids. I did not expect to see a fucking Lou, man. What the fuck is this place? Instead they're in a consulate in Mumbai. Yeah, fuck. Remember they killed them all.

They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all.

They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. They killed them all. So all the people, so and now by the way, of course, that we should point out that because these guys are Hispanic or at least place at being Hispanic on TV, they only have like

AK-47s, you know, like Hispanics. So they come in, they take over the house, grandpa though sees them coming. So he's gonna like lay a trap for them. But first he's gotta go find Kira and the Nephite to help him out. This is when we discovered by the way that no, Kodona, the Nephite is not dead. It turns out that that metal plate armor that Native Americans wore.

That yogurt lid that they wear. It's blocked a bullet. It's the charger, right? The dish goes on top of the charger. I thought it was on your chest. That's what I don't remember. You're in man's suit. Yeah, you're right.

Again, moving guy here, but you guys don't have the key now. I do, but I saw the Marie calendars impression. Right. In the bottom, it was just like, but they put it upside down. So, amazing. Most clever bastards. Upcycling. So, we come back to the house.

Now, Hitch is druged, Kira back to the house. He decided to just give up on the raping, too many fucking random and agronistic Indians showing up when he tries to do that. So they go back to the house and Hitch says, where's the bag that no one in this movie who's in this room knows about? And I'm like, we don't know.

Obviously, you just said. And he's like, if none of you give me the bag, I'm going to kill one of you every 10 minutes. I'm like, the hostage threat doesn't work unless like the person who has the bag also hears it. This would be like me sitting in the room by myself saying, all right, if you don't give me a million dollars, I'm cutting off one finger every five minutes.

You know what my response to that scene was when he said every 10 minutes, I say I kill one of you. I'm like, one guy there's like 53 kids that maybe cannot go on this much like like just wipe them out. Fortnight later. Yeah, right. I'd give anything to watch the first 10 minutes of awkward silence where they're like, so 10 minutes like starting now or like, you're gonna kill someone now or in 10 minutes.

I don't want to rush you, but like so in 10 minutes. Okay. Do we get to choose which kid? Because we've got a, we don't like that one at all. He's a little, we were gonna kick him out anyway. So, I got to watch, he's getting that joke. He was like, I don't know. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Now normally, I've been trying to make an effort to explain the visual humor to the folks back home. This time, I won't be doing that. Mormons killed gay sons. So now... Oh, you love it from him!

It's still you live, quitting the show as he's spent, I have, you know. So Hitch takes a Brock and Kira out to the woods where Brock is hitting the McGuffin. And of course, Grandpa still has to save the people in the house, because there's 303 other kids in there. And it turns out, it seems like we would have learned this by now, it turns out that Kira is the ninja. And can just ninja, could it ninja kick that gun out of his hand

at any moment? Ah! Because here's the amazing thing, except her leg goes like up here. Whoa, straight up. Whoa, I got that shit, I got that shit. Ladies and gentlemen, listening at home, we just learned that Noah has incredible flexibility.

But what's amazing about this scene is, it's obvious they didn't have a way to get the gun away from Hitch. And she was just like doing splits in the drive-ashe. She was like, boo, I hate this movie. Right. That jaw replacement, they gave me with a pelvis, didn't work and

Heimerdinger was like I think I've Heimer done it He's got he's had Heimer done it written on the inside of his arm this entire time He knew he was gonna pull that out, but look if you'd like your Heimer done it T-shirts Oh speaking of which I came up with a great t-shirt. Would you guys wear this? I wanted this so bad at the fucking, at the temple yesterday, a t-shirt that just said, you can baptize me when I'm dead. Right?

All right. And that's gonna be on our fucking Patreon tomorrow, all right. And you know what's funny? They will. Yeah, they said, they were gonna do it anyway. I'll be dead so I won't give a fuck. Right, but. So there's a moment where Brock gets out of the model T,

whatever reason, and Hitch slap, like, is it? Well, he uses the gun this time, he goes, Oh yeah. Again, another opportunity missed to kill Chuckie. Yes. But then Chuckie. Yes. But then Chuckie takes pistol taps him. Yeah. But then Chuckie takes the bag of drogas and throws them

in the well. There's a well here now. $250,000 of street drogas in the well. And all I want to see is after this all blows over the family, going, well, that was crazy. Let's have a drink of water. Let's cool off. How great would that be?

Just a flash cut to everyone with their shirts off. All right, now me, now me, now me, now me, okay, movie idea, movie idea, movie idea. You got any dough? I want a chew, I want a chew, I want a chew. So, meanwhile, okay, so we cut back to the house. Now there's only one gangster left, right? The Nephite took out two of them, hitches off in the woods. So there's only one gangster left to take care of the 411 Mormons that are still in this household now. Seems like they could overpower him.

And this guy, by the way, is like me on an airplane. The kids start scrying. The one kids start scrying. He just pulls his gun out. I'll shoot this fucking kid! And I'm like, no, I get it. I get it. I understand. That's why they won't let you carry guns on planes. I get it. I understand. That's why they won't let you carry guns on planes. I get it. So him, but also he's got a fucking shot gun. He's threatening a baby with that. You know those damn Mexicans. I wanted the baby to grab the barrel.

Do it. I'm growing up in leads. This is the best out I've got. Oh, I'm sorry. Have you heard about their new municipal movement? That joke doesn't make sense. Better cut it. No, yeah.

You didn't know any of those words that Mark said word. No, I don't even succeed in saying the word municipal. No, I was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Big boy word. So now, of course, it's time for... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait I'm like, look at all this fucking weeds. I was distracted by the weeds. I didn't notice the ladder. Now I get it. Yeah, right. I watched this fourth day.

All comes together now, right? So yeah, so he climbs up and of course dad is a Mormon and rural Utah. So he has a couple of machine guns of his own. So he knocks the guy, he throws a box on the guy from upstairs and then he comes out and we see the scene that you saw in the little montage We're dad standing there with a two they came 47's yeah Grandpa yeah, literally this old man is Totally there up like halfway down the stairs going get through the chopper

Yeah, right And there's this great moment where he paused. It's obviously supposed to be his glory moment He's like I wouldn't do that and the music's like And I wanted him so badly to just use a slur. The first 11 takes. Or considering the fact that he's got like one AK in each hand, and neither of them seem to be pointing in a direction that he's controlling at all. One of the guns goes off and four children die. Right.

That's just called a Tuesday in the evening. So now the kids have to go, the kids are the woods, they've gotten away from hitch and the Nephites has showed up to help them out or whatever. They have to find the war horn that's been lost earlier so they can blow that so that the whole army can come war horn yes blowing things to the whole army can come is an important aspect of this movie I didn't just make that up and then a gadi engine warrior shows up to kill him and it's time for a good old fashioned engine fight I honestly thought the laymenites were gonna hold the bow and arrow sideways. Gangsta. Nice.

I thought that was good. I was so stressed. Yeah. I was so confident. You know what? It's the little things, man. It's the little things in that, yeah. So yeah, so the knee fight dude is fighting one caddy Anton after another and you know,

because they're so lazy. He's winning. And she finally the horn falls in the rift. She has to drive reach. Okay, she can't get it, but she finally gets it. She blows the horn. And then another horn blows. And then dad has to show up and kill somebody, right? That the dad care. No, no, this is the moment where she blows like, there's, well, isn't that the layman that's got her in his sights. Yeah. And he has, he's, he's the bow. He's about to release the bow.

And he's six feet from her. Like it's done. And, and, and, and, and, and this guy's like six, two, two hundred and thirty pounds. In comes Brock, to tackle. No, oh yeah, yeah. So we get that, but then we get an even stupor scene where he's doing the same thing. Now, imagine this, if you will, you've got a bow, you've got an arrow, it's drawn. And then someone comes up behind the dad character,

comes up and shoots him from behind. And you know what happens when you suddenly die while you're holding a bow and an arrow like this? You gently release that arrow so that no one will get hurt. Very carefully. Make sure the tension is off the string. And then you die.

And then in ultimate silliness, we see dad standing behind him with his pooch, Very carefully, make sure the tension is off the string and then you die. And then in ultimate silliness we see dad standing behind him with his pooch just like, yes, but that's heimerdinger heimerdinger is like, damn right I'm going to kill a brown person in this movie. God I'm right in the heimerdinger. Director writer, a tour composer. First Heimerdinger. First Heimerdinger, come on out. So, now he walks on stage with a single tear down his jeep.

You guys didn't notice, but that movie was dedicated to my late wife. She was killed by Ted Bundy. Yeah, they love it. Yeah. So now dad and the kid. I love you, John Bane. Oh, I was so close to cutting that off too soon, right? So now the family is reunited.

The dad, it turns out he didn't run off on them at all. He was actually just trapped in another time dimension with engines, which is exactly what my dad told me. I didn't believe him at the time. Now I feel bad. Sure you were, dad. So, and then of course a whole army of, of, of Gadientens show up, but they can only have like nine people.

So we just keep seeing like this, you know, trying to make these nine people look in, like an entire army. They break into the house. The dad, remember the dad with the head injury? He shows up now. He thinks they're all his kids. Yeah. He sees them all.

He's like, hey, you're the one that I, that has the skull on his head. I love you, Antanite. I need a Lehigh-skab covered boy. So they drive off so that we don't have to worry about them anymore. And now the Gadi Anten Army is coming, the Nephi Army is coming. We're about to see some action, right? No. No.

Here's how they handle the goddamn big battle scene in this movie. The dad and the two kids hide in a wooden shed and we hear it in the background. Oh man, sure is a great battle going on out here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, look, it was just hiding here. We'll be safe from arrows and spears. Yeah, exactly. These Laminites have never seen wood before. They won't know how it works. They're like the aliens from science. I explained that to you guys last night. They just can't get the door open.

You know, they can fly across the universe. They just can't open doors. Makes perfect fucking sense. So, yeah, so late that night, we hear the battle going and everything. There are screams and fakey arrow sounds. And I mean the arrow sounds are like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, says, don't worry, everything will be all right. I thought you would know that.

There is a literal war happening outside of our shack. There are the sounds of a war outside the shack. Right, right, right. Yeah, exactly. Don't worry, everyone who dies in this is brown. All the white characters will be just fine. Because yeah, okay, so then they fall asleep that night in the shed apparently. They wake up the next morning, she goes outside,

all there's another earthquake, there's another little earthquake, which I guess closes the time rift. And Kira rushes off because she's got to go find her knee fight love, Kadoonai, because the movie has to come to an end eventually, doesn't it? All my notes here are just like, end the fucking movie, nobody cares. Just that. Remember, grandpa has been outside all night. Grandpa's been out in the battle.

Oh, let's not get that. And I just wanted him to be like, Brando. He's like a apocalypse now. Like, I'm changed now. I'm different. Oh, I ate a man's heart. Grandpa walks into the next scene ate a man's heart. Grandpa walks into the next scene with a necklace of ears. Yeah, right.

I don't think that would have been grandpa being changed at all. That's kind of what the impression I had of it the whole time. You wanted to do chicken. Yeah. Oh, a couple of mashed fans. Go ahead, watch that show with your kids. Go on. So. Now, so yeah, so then of course,

Kira's walking around, she's like, oh, no, I'm sad because I fell in love with an e-fight. Now he's gone. So now he rematerialized, this just in case that fucking time rift was starting to make sense. He rematerializes and has a little goodbye with her. I also love to it at this point,

she's like, don't you see my dad and my grandpa and my brother? And he's like, nope. And so they just walk away all the way. They're like, oh, we don't belong in this scene. This doesn't, is stupid. Is the movie over? And it's almost, almost. I wanted when he said nope for one of the departs.

Just like, all right. So I didn't want to ruin your moment, but if you can't see your I wanted when he said nope for one of the departs. Just like, all right. So I didn't want to ruin your moment, but if you can't see or hear me. Did I mention I've been trapped somewhere for 12 years where there's no toilet paper? Did I mention this upon? Did I mention that Eli farted on me in the backstage. I do a little, like I always like to like get myself pumped up, so I'm doing like fucking pushups in the back.

Eli's sitting on the couch, still wearing the assless Mormon outfit and just farts right on me. And he's like, that wasn't on purpose. It's true, I saw it happen. There would no- That's not actually, that's not real. No, already has pink eye. Ha-ha.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I just got farted and I wanted some sympathy. Say, yeah, eat your heart out, Ray Comfort. You got nothing on me, buddy. Oh, next time I'll do a fart wheel. Ray, I'm on a gymnastics team. Hold up. And thus was invented the fart wheel.

Oh, that was smooth. Well done, sir. See? Ha ha ha ha! And thus was invented the fart wheel. Ha ha ha! Oh, that was smooth. Well done, sir! See? Hurt wheel. Oh! Hurt wheel, what? That was brilliant!

Go do it to your friends. And that's the end of the move. It is! We're not, I mean, we're not going to do better than fart wheel to close. So, yes, that's where it is. It's possible. All right.

Well, as if my weekend had not already been awesome enough with the temple's square and the show and the platinum night and everything, he's informed me last night that there is a sequel to this movie. Heath is pregnant. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. With Codonaise, baby. So, to close things off tonight, and we've run way over time, so we'll have to do this kind of quick.

I want to ask for your guys' suggestions of what historical moment from the Book of Mormon you would like to see Kira and Brock visit in part two. Ooh. Okay, I'm going to say, Lamanite, Rosa Parks, won't sit in the back of the wooden

submarine. And, and that's, you know, that's a problem. She gets, she gets real opady, but Kira and Brock said that there we go. Nailed it. All right. And of course, before we go, we tease this a little bit. Obviously, you guys are familiar with Dan and Mark from the Thank God I'm Atheist Podcast. One of the few Atheist Podcasts that's been around even longer than us. But when I introduced them, I introduced them also as from the How-To-Hero-Tick Podcast, which you're probably like, I've never heard of that, because in the real world, that hasn't come out yet. No, it doesn't exist yet.

But when people are listening to this at home, it will be out. So if you don't mind, guys, well, we still have a couple of minutes. Can you explain to us sort of the concept of that show? No. Damn, it's really good, though. No, no, no. So this is, so the how-to heretic, what we're hoping to do is create a slightly different space in the Atheus podcast universe Unlike this wonderful kind of deep dive, which is a little more entry-level a little more kind of helping people find some

Language and some dialogue and so imagine you're freshly out of your religion and let's just say it's Mormonism We're gonna teach you how to drink We're gonna teach you you may not know how to sex yet. We're going to teach you how to drink. We're going to teach you, you may not know how to sex yet. We're going to, well, you may not know what gay is or how to do it. We're going to teach you all of these things. Do you want to know how to drugs? We'll check in with Andrew. We will try to let you have drugs.. It doesn't matter. We're gonna get you through all of it. We're gonna talk about all of Andrew's drug audices and believe me, they are infinite.

And this right here, what we're all experiencing is just an Andrew drug trip right now. So, all right, back to you Noah. Thank you, Vagan. Of course, for those listening at home, you can check the show notes for a link to their new show, the How-To, Heretic, and for those of you who are listening in the live audience, you're just going to have to wait a fucking week.

That's what you get. But of course, before we go, I do have a couple of quick thanks that I want to throw out. Morgan has flown across the country one more time. For a big round of applause for Morgan. For making the sound so great. I've got to say say we have done these shows in I think at least half a dozen venues. We have never found any venue that was as helpful

and as professional and as awesome as the folks right here at the state room. So a big round of applause for them as well. Guys, I mean that, I very seriously mean that. You guys have been amazing. And of course, a big round of applause that will lovely Lucinda Luzans, who's right over here taking care of Merced for everybody. And of course, if you guys want to hang out with us after the show, we're going to be going back over to Squatters, which is where we have the VIP dinner. We also have to thank our buddy Doug for setting us up with a great space there.

Yeah, dude! We also have to thank our buddy Doug for setting us up with a great space there But most of all of course we want to thank all of you guys for coming out Obviously this show would be really fucking awkward if you did so thank you so much big round of applause But you guys as well And with that we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes Joseph Smith was a fucking lunatic. The Hispanics in this movie rejected their criminal ways and eventually became white and delight some. Kira, if you're in the audience, call me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I told a toddler to fuck himself. Well, that kids stay in.

Maybe in the outtakes. And besides that, he was so asking for it. He was so asking for it. Tell me that toddler didn't need to go fuck himself. Sorry, sorry. Beep. He told an adult to go fuck himself I want to tell you Adult beep an adult

All right. Yeah, just having Andrew Cohen beep an adult Would be a great to show a lot. Yeah, a lot All right, So stop in there. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017 all rights reserved.