God Awful Movies - 113: The Appointment

Episode Date: October 17, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of "The Appointment", an early Christiano brothers snuff film. --- Come see us in Australia! https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Un chapuzón, con el avito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, This is like one of the worst messages in all of Christianity too. It's like you don't, nope, you'd think you'd have to do good stuff for heaven, but you do not. You ought, last second, believe it, just be like, and I love Jesus, last second, it's all you got to do. It's a terrible message.

This can all perfectly be broken down to the apologetic from, you'd think, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha movie movie Welcome back to the game cast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because despite Nancy's Protestations I did not say no. I'm your host no illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath Welcome back. Thanks, Noah. You know what's a really good book? What's that? Book of Mormon. On more of the wooden summer, it seems smart. I thought getting you back here would be enough, but apparently not quite and sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How

are you this fine afternoon, sir? Nikhil, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Pretty good. No. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Oh A way in theme episode come on Eli literally he he messaged me earlier He's like hey can we change the music to like a minor key and spooky and then no we can't change the fucking music Do a minor skater music okay? I'm talking like a vampire All right No, not the entire not New Patreon goal donate to the show or Eli will do that No, not the entire nut.

New Patreon goal. Donate to the show or Eli will do that long. I just donated. So tell us, Heath, thank you. What will we be breaking down today? We watched the appointment. It's the story of a woman who gets told exactly when she's going to die, all by about 30 minutes of literally watching time pass on different parks and watches and shit and also looking

at Bibles cutting back. It's second hands and Bibles. The movie it's ridiculous. This is the longest 37 minutes on television available. Right. Now we usually do a short movie. We're like, oh, short movie. All right, guys, let's string

out the episode of make sure we give the people what they pay for. And I was like, oh, my God. What will we talk about? No, this movie was like having a shitty job, right? It was like, it was like when you look at the clock and you expect it to be way later and it's not the movie. Yeah.

Jesus. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love final destination, but you think that destination is hell, you love this movie. This is your crazy Christian grandmother with Alzheimer's, the movie. Oh, it was rough. I feel like any movie where the elevator pitch is indistinguishable from the script isn't going to offer up much. And then she waits. Ticking. Ticking. So, okay, so still ticking. Now, okay, so this though was one of its few

redeeming qualities. This was an early Cristiano Brothers movie. Oh, fun fun about the Cristiano Brothers. No, no, no, no, no, you're welcome. So you're welcome, Andrew. So now we've done a couple of other Cristiano Brothers movies in the past. Where would you rank this one in terms of like their output? Which ones did we do? We did a matter of faith, time changer and second glance. I do not remember any of those. I'm assuming this is worse.

I don't know. Okay. It's definitely not as bad good as time changer. No. It is, I would say it is equally as bad good as second glance, but it's shorter so I liked it more. And it's definitely better made, but not as fun as a matter of fate. So however you do those metrics, get a board, tie some string around shit.

All right. You know, I spent it really complicated. I'm going to give you a nice, easy answer here. This was by far the least entertaining God damn thing these assholes have ever put out and these are the guys who made second glance. Look second glance was Wonderful. I love so I wrote a love poem about how much I love second glance and it wasn't good enough So I wrote a different one that was better goddamn it. These are your guys that made time changer the movie about a guy who comes Forward in time sees all of the amazing

Technology and goes back and says man their skirt sure they get short over them hundred years and that's his only fucking takeaway These are the guys that made the debate movie that literally ended with a man crying on stage and storming off and he was the good guy Oh, that's a nice one. Yes, yes, that's these guys. And this piece of shit carries their name. Oh, like all the other ones are significant, at least twice as long plus. And I would recommend all three of them over this one. Anyway, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at other than Cristiano Brothers movie?

I'm going to say best worst rhythm of the spoken line. It's like perfect like one, two, three, four. My line, your line, his line, her line. You talk, it's so ridiculous. They can't not go perfectly staccato one to three four. It's like the actors were told it was a musical, but they never got the music. They keep expecting the music to come in. It's like a musical.

I don't know about that. I never cut in the scene. Just. All right. Well, I wanted to go with best worst and run around an apologetic. All right. So the primary argument of this movie that is presented multiple times is that if you assume Christian heaven is real, Christianity must be the right religion.

It's pretty airtight. If then I'm convinced it's like arguing with side 10 best worst sized piece of technology. Literally under your fingernail. There is an audio reforma device. A bad way. The size of a Chicago deep dish pizza. That will be used several times. Yes. Oh my God. That was fucking hilarious. Keep in mind, this movie was not made in 1937. This was 1991, right? Like there were small ones then and yet still they use this goddamn behemoth. It's like, do you remember the first CD player? It's that.

It's phenomenal. And we have to point out, it is the only piece of technology that is that far an acronym. Right. Yeah. Like, she doesn't punch a bunch of punch cards into the computer. But there's like a back room of guys like sliding abacuses to make this tape recorder where it's ridiculous. Amazing. We have to switch out a vacuum tube in it at one point. All right. Well, as we've already alluded to, nothing happens in this movie and it has no pacing,

which makes it impossible for me to summarize it in a way that builds suspense now. So now we're going to take a break. And when we come back, we'll not be taking a break anymore. Hey, Dave, get in here quick. Hey, what's up? Rich Cristiano of the Cristiano film group. I love it when you call me that. Yeah, you insist on it. It's in my contract. I have to shut up. I just had the greatest idea for a movie. All right, hit me with it. All right, so it's a bad reporter who writes one of those, yes, anti-god columns, they're always writing in the newspapers, and then an angelic waffle house reads it

and goes to the office and tells her the exact day and time that she's gonna die. Ooh, I like it. And then, and then on that date, at that time, she dies. Uh-huh, uh-huh, supremacist. She just, the bitch just dies. Uh-huh, yup. You seem like you're expecting me to say more words now.

I am. Well, that's it, you know, she just dies at that time. Like, like the guy said she would, because he's an angel. Yeah. No. Yeah. Cool. No, I'm just like super busy during this indefinite time period. You want to take this one on your own, Rich? Rich, Christiano of the Christiano film group. You want to take it on? Fine.

I'll get all the Oscars to myself. Fine. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start this one off with those three little words that everybody always longs to hear. Christiano Film Group. Delicious. And the music to match. All right.

Now honestly, okay, the Christiano brothers are some litigious motherfuckers from what we understand. So I wanted to play you a clip of this music just so you could get an idea of exactly how generic, ominous horror movie music it was, but they'd sue us. So you're just going to have to like make it on that description alone. It could not be less inspired. Okay, just imagine that someone's sneaking up on you, but they're carrying a fully table in a bag and they're clumsy. Yeah, it's like a stalker. It keeps trying to creep up quietly and then just drops an arm full of sheet metal.

A roo Goldberg machine. Max is just all bowling balls and wine glasses. Yeah. And of course, we're getting that over the credits, which even by themselves are pretty fucking funny. My favorite line was, and Art Odin as Eric, Eric, Eric, motherfucking Eric. Oh, yeah, I guess. Also, as we're listening to this, of course, the music credit came up, and I'm like, a music, shouldn't that be in quotes or something or just say never mind after you know music by don't put my name on this shit. And then it ends with Psalm 8948 and that's just trust me you're gonna die. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. But also

in there like, ah, you won't be able to agree with me when you're dead. Will yeah, will yeah. It's the if I'm right, I'm right, defense, and that is what we're going to get throughout the entire fucking movie. Um, so then we're going to meet a couple of classic like Cristiano White people, TM. Oh, delicious. Back when fathers pants were so high, they covered his neck. It's delicious. I love the opening line here might as well be good morning, honey. This is the beginning of the script. It's like Jerry and George trying to write the pilot. It's like page one kitchen America. So people talk at this point. What is it? I'm thinking they say hi genius, crushing it. Take a coke time out.

Yeah. And I love it because the mom's first line is, you might want to finish breakfast before you read the article because he's going to be so offended by this newspaper column. He's just like, throw out the egg smart. The eating this world. I can't be asked to digest in a time like this. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's a pastor and we're never going to see this character again. We're just hoping in the movie on him because he's going to be the first of a number of people that we get reading the editorial on page eight. That is, I guess what this movie is about. Now we're going to talk about the editorial itself and we're going to talk about it in detail. But first, I want to talk about the, the little montage of different old women who would yell at gas station attendance about magazine covers that we see as we're reading our way through the Senate. And 80s people who are dressed like like tropical fruit snacks. Everyone looks like a tropical starburst colors. So silly.

Everyone reading this newspaper article looks like a far side cartoon first draft. Just like a no. Yes. Wow. Well done, sir. All right. So yeah, they're all reading. They're all very offended small town Americans reading this editorial that Liz wrote. Liz will be the main character of this movie. And we're first going to meet her through her doing the voice over for this anti God editorial. And this is such a comical representation of Christians trying to write for atheists. You know, yeah, but it's been a while since they've written lines that were way better than anything they could think of and then been like, but I'm wrong, but bad that. Well, yeah, but that's that that's exactly it is that even though they don't hit on any

of the major points that like an atheist would actually write in an editorial about the problems with with Christianity or with Christian culture, they do make a lot of really good points that they then never go back and address within the. Never address. Just over and over again. Like, okay, point one, churches are more interested in making money than they are in fighting the devil. I mean, fighting the devil is a little much, but like, yes, they're more interested in making money than helping the poor. They're never going to address that point.

Nope. This could just be like an essay on why we need the Johnson Amendment, like on C-Stand, like in a hearing. Well, I love point three, and our thing is that Hefner's Mansion has less immorality than most churches and to be fair before, you know, when she said this Eli was not as attracted to Hugh Hafnurse as now. Well too soon. That's the thing.

But valid, valid, valid, valid, valid. Half your paper consent in advance. Yeah. It's the right thing to do. Exactly. Um, yeah, but it's like, you know, churches are full of hypocrites, uh, you know, door to door evangelism is bullshit and it sucks. And I'm just like, yeah, no, you're making some pretty good points. I wonder how you'll later address

these. And there's tiny little moments, one of my favorite parts. One of the characters that's like, or I guess this is the voiceover. We're watching a character go to a mailbox for no reason. But the voiceover says, there's always people, you know, coming to my door, proselyting for myself. Yeah. So I get to Eli. But I'm not the age they got like guaranteed it was like 35 takes and that was the best one. Prostl and then time and that one had a P in it. That's, that's the keeper. Yeah. And the poor saline. Nope. And no TH. There's no TH in there. Definitely not anything close

to what you said. So yeah, and she also makes the point that even if there was a God, churches would be giving them a bad name again, pretty valid point. Yeah. I thought that was and then finally, she points out that like if the justification for giving money to the churches is that they do nice things for the needy, wouldn't it be better to just give that money to charities that only do stuff for the needy? Yeah. The dumbest bit like let's focus on doing good things like, you know, better healthcare

feeding the poor. I'm the bad guy. What's happening? What's happening? And again, the way that they're going to like argue back against all of her points is just that bitch is dead now. What do you want to do? What does she think now? Right?

Here at Dave's Charity, sometimes we feed kids and sometimes we build giant monuments to me. Give us your money. The only way to find out. Sometimes I literally trickle it down the monument at people. They grab it at the bottom. So then we're going to meet a main character in this film that we will never see. I have him down as weird POV shot the entire time.

And we're going to meet him at a waffle house. So wait, it's for clarity, because this is very important. This guy is the angel of death. I guess the grim reaper, right? He's he's he's like a divine messenger. In my mind, he is supernatural. He's not like a dude. And that means that the grim reaper ate it waffle.

And if you're not picturing the grim reaper with terrible diarrhea because he's eating four hash browns at four in the morning because he's so drunk. You are not the audience. We know enough. And I should point out this is not a waffle house like restaurant. This is very clearly the waffle house. The woman has the waffle house tag on and everything when she comes up. Waitresses pregnant. It's perfect. Everybody makes exactly the right amount of sense. Yeah. Everyone looks at a place in this movie time wise, except this waffle house. It's like everyone else like, wow, 80s were kind of silly looking, but diner waitress is just like a younger version of the same exact waitress at Denny's and Waffle House right now. Yeah. I added a wonder if Waffle House paid for this place. It's their target audience. I got an idea. I sure did like that

second glance movie you did. So okay, so then he creepily POVs his way out of the waffle house. Yeah, the camera is so weird. It makes it look like there's like a shark about to attack inside this diner. And he's just like, no, no, no, no, any walks out. Throughout the movie, it's going to be like that. Yeah, exactly. We will spend a lot of time with this character, even when he not doing anything. And it's always just get that creepy POV shot. And also it will always be accompanied by the ominous music, even when that's jarring as fucking makes no sense.

I wanted to see him like going to the bathroom and stuck in traffic, just like, butter. They almost get there. Right? Like, there was a point in this movie where weird POV guy was just like looking for a good alcove to pick his underwear out of his ass. That would not have been out of place. Given the use of weird POV guy, taking a shit, reading the graffiti. I wonder who Stevie is. Here is a good time.

That does rhyme. That does rhyme. That's kind of clever. All right. So now that we get that weird shit out of the way, we cut to the newspaper office where Liz works. And my first line in here was just Jesus, where computers 1991 back then. Yeah. People working on computers, the size of a piano, they're slapping the side to reset the tapes and just, just like, disposable computers, they throw in the garbage at the end of the day. They've typed three characters.

Looks like everybody in the office is just about to get hurt somehow. Like it's dangerous. They like one guy's like pull starting it like a chainsaw to get his computer going. There's like an oil Derek going up and down next to him. So cotton gin, a guy's getting his arm chopped, then his computer cotton gin, it's nuts. So we pan through this scene just so we can marvel at how shitty computers look back then, I guess. And we eventually settle on Liz, this, this blonde girl who's on the phone and thought this was America. She's like, hello, yes, this is the person who wrote that newspaper article.

My name is Liz. Uh-huh. You didn't like my article? Okay. It's amazing. I've responded to you so quickly. Goodbye. It seems like you wouldn't have any time to talk during this conversation.

Um, the actual lunch, she loves, I love this to her little mic drop. She's like, well, if you don't like it, maybe you can write a letter to the editor. Uh, he'll publish it, but you'll have to sound more intelligent than you do on this phone call. Click. Zoom. God. Yeah. So then, you know, everybody's like, everybody in the office is like, oh, G. Liz, you sure

are taking a lot of shit from all these Jesus lovers. And all the people in the office who have beards hate Jesus so much. Yeah, but they're all like caricatures of atheism that don't make any sense. Like one guy's like, man, people do take religion super seriously. And the other guy's like, I hate it when people wear metal at right angles. The third person motherfucker. I hate how passionate they are about doing good. Yeah, but there is one. I should point out there is one guy in the office that does not have a beard. And he thinks that she shouldn't go so hard on the Christians. Screech. He's talking about screech. Yeah. Screech.

He's so funny. He's like, gee, fellas, I don't know. Maybe God knows a thing or two. What do you think? And they're like, shut up. That's all. Okay. And we also have to establish. It's not just anyone you're allowed to do that.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah. And we also have to establish in this scene and over and over again that she is an icy vagina prude and that's why she hates Jesus. They will reinforce this. Oh, shit. Oh, she's just one of those bitchy girls like you get if you're an atheist or a liberal. Am I right?

Constantly in this fucking movie. And meanwhile, by the way, ill-advised POV is walking into the newspaper offices. And again, at this point, we didn't know it was an angel and I wanted so badly for the camera to reverse. And it's just Jason Voorhees there to complain about his car listing being spelled wrong just like, are you serious? Six, five, four, one. Everyone's pretty calling it some asshole.

I'm not paying for this. I want two extra free weeks. That's exactly how they're selling it though. They're exactly selling this as this is the killer walking through the woods towards the campers. Yeah, it's a fucking amazing. So now, so we cut back into the newspaper office and I want to point out that they have an establishing shot that they use for the newspaper offices, which is very clearly a bank that says mercantile bank out in front of it, but they still use that as the establishing shot for the newspaper.

Some guys just like, eh, building. Yeah. That's it. So oh, and this is where we meet the tall for his age 15 year old that would like to fuck Liz through the movie. Time traveler John Malini. All right. Yeah. And he wants to take her to a play.

You know, Marty McFly went back in time to fuck his mom. I did he not what was that movie about? I've been masturbating wrong for a long time. That Leah Thompson. I go back in time. Buckly Thompson. So now and he of course is using the brow beating method of date request, which is always a winner.

Ladies love it when you brow beat him. And his idea is that he has planned a very extensive date without having asked her yet He's like I booked us a table. I got a stick it's for a play and I signed a sub for yoga classes And she's like no and he's like That's a sure lot of stuff I'm gonna do There's a lot of deposits Group on for one Group on makes their money. Unbelievable.

Also, I just small thing, but I found this so weird because this guy looked pre-pubescent. She's like, how old are you? And he's like 35 and she's like, yeah, you're too old for me. Does she say to old? I am. She just looks at him and she goes, try again. And then what? And I was like, is that too old? Two or two? Yes, that is. I am she just looks at him and she goes try again and then what and I was like, is that too old to finish one? I don't know. I know that people only lived to be like 40 or 45 in 1991.

So I understand why I'm dead now. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But she's like 15 years older than him because he's like nine. Yes, yes, it looks like a babysitter let the kid wear dad's work stuff like to play dress up while babysitting. And we have to emphasize that while this like mundane thing is going, we keep switching back to the field, which is always accompanied by, you know, I'll have a tall latte, and I told him, look, I'm on my period so we can do mouth.

Yes, I'll hold three for a count. And at this point, it's just trading back and forth between those scenes and the POV isn't, you know, he's getting into the elevator. He's getting out of the elevator. It's completely mundane. I just expected like a shark to stumble in with a didgeridoo right into the fan. Sorry, sorry. Two really again. Two million. I'll get it this time. I roll it on three, two, wow. All right. The best part is so eventually he comes upon her and it could not, and they're going for a POV of someone who is slightly taller than her.

However, they have done this incorrectly. So what it looks like is this angel slash cream reaper is staring at her tits. Yeah. And also floating three feet above the ground too. That's the impression I got is like the beginning of every casting couch video. This whole video. So, yeah. So, so the POV guy shows up in her office. She's busy bitching at another religious person in the phone on the phone, rather. And then creepy POV comes in and he's like, I have a message for you from the Lord to which she says the Lord who like she thought it was a

knock knock joke. The Lord exactly the Lord the Lord Stevenson. Oh, and then I wanted a British guy on a palakwin. Did my messenger arrive? Oh, he's here. Michael flatly, Lord of the dance. he a good Michael flatly Lord of the dance. No, okay. So yeah. And so he tells her this is the key moment of the whole movie, the inciting incident right here at September 19th at 6.05 PM. She is going to die. So you know, that threats to a reporter for giving his boss bad press. That's the

good guy. That's the good deity in this movie. But we should point out she could not be more bored by this death threat. She's like, she's like sassy, galfriding in response. She's like, you're going to die. And she's like, not before I get my heels done. And again, this is all still being done by the creepy Jason Voorhees POV thing, which I guess makes sense at this point, since he's delivering a death threat as though God was a jopeshi character. And then as if they hadn't like given us enough comic material with the POV, she leaves. And the POV cam just like keeps watching her for a really long time, like they're driving around to get the odometer to switch over to 200,000, you know, it's just like fucking

ridiculous. You can feel the grim reapers awkwardness. He's just like you are going to die. Well, I've got to go. Oh, um, what should I eat? Well, she's coming back. She seems to my next appointment is until four. Usually there's a lot more begging. I got to admit, most people, they challenged me to a board game or something. No chest. That's fine. Just learned the ronsky defense for no reason. Whatever. So then we cut to her and her, I'm going to say boyfriend having lunch and she's telling

him about the last scene. And she's relating this like a fun story. Like you flopped out on the couch. You're like, oh my gosh. The funniest thing happened at work. This guy comes by and threatens my life. Yeah. The specific times and dates.

I do this is crazy. Wacky, the folks you run into. Exactly. And Steve is reacting like she's telling an ordinary story. He's like, oh, that sounds great. Yeah, no crazy. She's hilarious. What did you say after she said this? But also, but he also says she's like, he said he had a message from the Lord to which he goes, the Lord, who? Yeah. Really? Like, that's the common, that's what they think would be the reaction like like again from these Christians

You're just like G who Christ. I don't oh a lot. We're talking about a lot And his responses was he a sicko to which he's like nah Really are we sure what is a sicko if not someone who comes by and tells you the exact moment you will die. I was like, nah, stick was in his pants. I mean, not all the way in his pants. But the way in his pants, please regular Tuesday. Yeah.

And yep. Right. So with this aggressively useless scene out of the way, we cut to her at home so that we can meet June, her fellow reporter. Now June has arrived to tell her that she got the big Hawaii assignment and gets to fly to Hawaii on company money. Oh, Marcy Darcy. Yes.

Pretty sure it might be Amanda Beers. I don't think it is because like, no, exactly like Marcy Darcy. Nobody on the IMDB page for this had a picture. Okay. So I don't think it is because like, no exactly like Marcy Darcy nobody on the IMDB page for this had a picture. Okay. So I don't think that it is not Marcy Darcy Jefferson Darcy has been in a few movies we've done. Yeah, yeah, unfortunately. So yeah, so and and that's all that scene has to say about the world as well that they're going to go to Hawaii later in the movie. Mm hmm. Very importantly, on a date after the date that she's supposed to die. Right.

Yeah. All right. So now it's the next day and that single beardless reporter is the screech is studying his Bible. Right. While everyone else in the newsroom shouts a single line in unison about how they wish they had gotten to go. Banana oil. I've been working here for five years. Oh sweet jinkers

I always wanted to see who I my parents are from Hawaii. Oh Larry It is absolutely the setup for a song where they're like oh Hawaii But they just never get to it. But then, but then from there after that unison weird thing with those three dudes, it escalates so fast. All of a sudden the other asshole guy Frank shows up and he's like, and I hope you're playing crashes and you burn slowly as a drown and a shark slowly eats you and you drown again and then burn again. And he brings you to a cave where there's fun. Like he's so intense. Dude, Frank, go to HR. You're the worst. This is HR definitely said, you don't talk at work anymore. You keep doing this.

Frank is very clearly the top. Because they're all like, Ribbon Ribbon, what did you do to get the job? And he's like, I hope you get raped. She's like, what? He's like, what? We're all having a back to HR. Yeah. You are fired. Okay. Also. And this is my favorite moment, maybe ever. She starts heading back to her office and creepy POV cam is still just hanging out. Now keep in mind, when we last left Creepy POV cam, he was in her office awkwardly trying to decide what to do when she walked out. So like we have no reason not to believe he's just been sitting there all day and night

going like, I thought you work, you seemed like you had to come back to your, your person has been here. Also, I have a question about the physics of this universe that So the camera stalker is invisible until he points the camera at you. Is that what's happening? The people made this movie seem to think that that's like how works and the actors are responding that way. How looking works. Yes.

Yeah, only a Christian filmmaker would need someone there to explain to them how looking works. Oh, right. They can see it's not like the ostrich. It's not like the ostrich. And I wanted him, I wanted him so badly to just be like playing with toys on her desk. She's got those clacker balls and he's like, click, click, click. Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry. Let me stop these click, click, click, click. I think I started. No, no, they're still moving a little. Just give me what it at one second. It's this can

drive me nuts. Sorry. Last. Anyway, you're going to die. Yeah. Yeah. And that's he's just there to reinforce. Remember earlier when I said you're going to die, like that was I meant that you seemed a little nonchalant, a little dismissive. If if I can say so. And again, she is still dismissive, still entirely not about it. She's like, oh, yeah, do you have any proof? And he's like, ah, this is new. This I'll tell you what, I you were going to die. And then he tries to use her pending mortality as proof that God exists.

Are you saying you're not going to die? Well, no, that's not at all. And no, granted, I's not at all. And no, granted, I understand why he's a little put off by all this, you know, like when you tell somebody you're going to die at 605 on September 19th, their, their reaction should not be, oh, you have any evidence of that. It's like this fact that I said it is admissible in a court of law, you know. But yeah, but she wants evidence and he's like, well, you know, everybody dies. So you too, why not you on the 19th, it's

like so far. I'm having a weird week. Can I? One of these times walk through Egypt with the sword. It was fucking awesome. And now I'm just a right an elevator. You people smell, we have a better sense of smell. I don't know if you know that. I remember we were all freaked out by iron cherry. And so now you mother fuckers just ride around in cars. I don't want to get into it. And of course she tries to give them the whole like, well, I can't die because I've got

a thing to do in Hawaii. So, haha. And he says, I know you have distractions, Liz. That's how Satan works. That's like, like Satan is doing candy crush alerts now. Is that what he's been reduced to? Satan's just sitting behind me with his hand on my shoulder. Two more games of hotthstone headlines.

He can answer emails when you're level 10. And also if he's put a Bible on her desk and I expected so she's like, did you put that there? And I expected him so much to say, nope, there are no dick strung in it. Either, let me take that. Let me, I read this wrong. Just, just lick it. Just lick the Bible a little and I'll leave.

Please. Also, isn't that a weird thing to be focusing on in this moment? Like, you just told me when I'm gonna die. Also, did you put this Bible on my desk? I keep it organized. I don't remember this book being here. Weird focus. Yeah. And of course, he goes to leave, but she has to set him up for an awesome one liner about her imminent death first. So, you know,

he's like, she's like, I can't leave. I'm going to Hawaii. And I've never seen Hawaii before and he goes and you never will. Weird. I want him not to be able to get out of the office crazy billionaire remake and let's be honest, crazy, hundred air remake. It's just him being like, oh, sorry, pulled or not a, not a pulled or crazy. Is it I push the button to make, no, you un, the button, no button to get out. Yeah, why would I push the button to get out?

This is stupid. You give me a hand here. I, and you never will. All right. I remember the last thing you never will. Hi. So. I want to like, Mohammed to show up with the camera

and start filming the Jesus messenger guy too. So, are you got got what are you doing? Are you going to tell me what who's so okay. So now we cut to Liz heading into the office from not the office, which is where we left her, I guess. But then June storms out of the building to tell her that the mayor has died. And everyone reacts not like it's shocking that the mayor has died, but it's shocking that humans die.

Well, yeah, I like it. First of all, my notes are like, man, this town is damn invested in its mayor. If my mayor died, I'd have the same reaction to that as I did to the one dying in this movie, right? But no, but we learned that like this is apparently the first they've heard of this mortality thing. Or maybe the first death they've ever heard of. I guess it's like, have they tried shaking him? And look, the whole purpose that this serves, the fact that the mayor has died will not factor into the plot, except that it like reminds her that death is a thing.

And so they can make fun of fat people, which I did not enjoy. Yeah. You wait 275 pounds, which is, I mean, that's like what's that? So it's like what some people weigh. I've been close enough to 275 pounds for that not to be an okay line in the movie. Just like, well, what did you expect? He was 180, you know, five. I'm not.

I feel very triggered by this movie. The whole it's just overweight atheists in their mid 30s are evil. That's all we've learned. Especially if they have beards. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, but again, this is all there so that she can reflect on her own mortality, which she's going to do now at the art opening. That's what they

actually call it, the art opening. Oh, the art of the 1990s, when it was just, it was just squiggly lines. We all forgot how to draw paint and color. It hasn't gotten any better since then. But I love okay. So what we have here is like she's standing around kind of days and everything and she's hearing snippets of conversation from the various people around them. And the first one is an art discussion written by people who can't write enough art words to pull that off. So they like both people are speaking in half sentences with no nouns in them. Everyone is so amazing. It's like trying to show off in front of a black turtle next girl. You're just like, yeah, oh my gosh, I think the way that you use space is really opulent. But what is even worse than that, right? Cause like the guys line is like, I just

don't understand how you can reach into this and find a way to produce a thing that would be, is it still your line now? And the gravel, gravel, peasy care. And the gaps between interruptions are priceless. Because they clearly like wrote interruptions so that they wouldn't have to get to the end of sense. It's about art that they couldn't finish because they had no idea. So she's like, I was just saying the impression is, you have to interrupt me now. You go, I can have nothing. It's like what Eli gets distracted by a Twitter fight mid record.

Yeah. So also one of the snippets of cover her star lines for a live show and he's undercuts my lines. Wait, what? I gotta be like, oh, and he thought he says and I don't know what you're talking about. I'm wearing the right underwear.

He like, oh, I was. Fuck me. Fuck me forever. I wish you knew a little bit more about my underwear choices. I wish I would cut all your underwear up into tiny pieces and light it on fire. That escalated quickly. It's not going where it should be. I get on all the time and I'm in a fucking newspaper small town America. All right. Now how do I transition back to the fact that one of those snippets of conversation

was the chiropractor guys, you tell me, you tell me, I'm going to snap her neck just like a chiropractor. What about chiropractor? Well done, sir, well done. Yeah, no, that cracked me up so much because like at first they, they show this chiropractor as part of the snippet of the conversation. You said, you know, the thing a lot of people don't know about chiropractor. And I'm like, Oh my God, are we going to shit on chiropratures? That'd be awesome. I'm so with you, Rich. And then he's like, not a lot of people know that we don't just work on necks.

We also work on other joints. And the other guy goes, well, more people should know that. If only it was in a short 38 minute movie that's going to be played for captive audiences at churches. Next conversation. Next conversation. Next conversation. And this is Muhammad Ali, right? Yes. Yeah. Okay. So Muhammad Ali, are you talking just about the one black guy? Yeah, the one black guy. Okay. That's a Washington. Yeah. He looks like Muhammad Ali, the day they figured out it was Parkinson's that's not a good day.

It looks like it's just a bad day. And he comes over and he literally is just like, hey, Liz, Mairdod, bye. Just walks away. Yes, yes. I am the African American character in this film. Bye. So yeah, but she's just absorbing this all in sort of a just nihilistic way. And late that night, she's laying awake in bed. And she has my wife's like, sure, why not expression on her face.

See, I had in my notes, this scene is just every night I don't take nine Zequel. Yes. It's an entire decade of people trying to sleep, not coming down from cocaine enough yet. Just serious. She doesn't. It's an entire decade of people trying to sleep, not coming down from cocaine enough yet. Just staring at the ceiling. Just that was the 80s. Just loud second hands and staring at the ceiling, the 80s. Yep. And also if you, if you would like to cross off like flashing back to things that just

happened in the movie from your Christian bingo card, this would be the time to do that. She's literally remembering the conversation that was taking place when this scene interrupted it. So anyway, next day at work, she sure is busy rehashing the plot points up until now in the film. She is awful cranky. Her editor comes up and he's like, Hey, Liz, where's the story? And she's like, shoot the fuck up up Jeff in a minute. And he's like, Oh, all right. Sorry. Okay. Thought we worked in a newspaper, but whatever. That's fine. So he needs the, she needs the art opening pictures right away. So she goes into the, to the dark room where the Christian kid Eric screech screech is, is getting her picture ready for her. And he's like, you know, she's like, I need that picture. And he's like, okay, just a minute. She's like, now when he's like, are you okay Liz?

You're being a real bitch. And what's amazing is the beginning of this conversation is obviously him being like, hey, I was wondering. Do you ever think about, I don't know, changing religions? And she's like, now you're not going to be one of those Christians who tells me to change religions. Are you? And he's like, what? No're not going to be one of those Christians who tells me to change religions. Are you? And he's like, what?

No, I wanted to talk about what happens after you die just for fun. For fun. I see. That's so crazy. I would never ask you to change your mind about religion, except for right now when I do it. Yeah. Well, and then later in the conversation, he would yell at her about how she needs to change

her religion. But before he gets his first opening, he's like, yeah, so I noticed a Bible on your desk and she's like, you know, she has to be maximally bitch. She's like, yeah, they ran out of toilet paper in the ladies room. Now, get me my fucking picture, you eunuch.

And again, that's how she delivers all of her lines in this movie because she's a liberal atheist. And he delivers all his lines with his mouth forming a perfect circle because otherwise he can't make words happen. It's insane. Like I was waiting for like Owen Wilson to show up and have like a circle mouth fight with the guys like over the top with the circle mouth. Oh god, if you just lined their faces up together, you could use it as a wind tunnel. That's a aircraft in there. You do in circle mouth.

I'm doing circle mouth. Yeah, she's like, you know, he says stuff about how she's sick and tired of all the religious people trying to cram religion down other people's throats. And he's just all gets all defensive right away. He's like, hey, I've never tried to cram anything down your throat. Well, you were awake. What? Nothing, nothing at all, ever.

And it's the best at one point, she's like, ah, fucking Jesus. And he's like, whoa, whoa, Liz. Jesus is the fucking shit tits, okay? Yeah. I'm not a, let's not be talking about JC, all right? Line's a line. My line for that in the notes was just Golly Liz.

Jesus is just the bee's knees. Why ever would you say that? Yeah, holy shit. And the thing to remember is that they're on a deadline. She came in here because she was in a hurry and they're now having a convoluted Jesus discussion. And what this conversation breaks down to, what he eventually gets to the point of is,

and we're gonna hear this a lot, some people try to be good people to go to heaven. But if the Bible is true, that's not true. Yeah. The apologetic he has is there are only two ways people try to get into heaven Christianity and other. And therefore Christianity must be true. That's the full chatting for like, what about all the other really? Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Well, let me explain. You can think of the world as Christian and not Christian. Wrong. And you can't think of that. And that's it. I have no follow up. Those are the two types of things in the universe. Yeah.

Even like, he even got, he's just like, you know, people like Hindus and Mormons, which if they throw in Mormons is a clearly that's not Christianity little dig there. Where these like, you know, Hindus and Mormons, they believe just like Christians do that you have to be good to get to heaven. It's just that they're like Christians who haven't figured out that the Christians are right yet. Right. It is genuinely, and again, we will hear this argument multiple times for the rest of this

movie. The argument is genuinely, I mean, it would seem intuitive to everyone in the world but us that being a good person matters. But if you believe our magic book, it's not about that. Yeah. Yeah, right. Instead of an apologetics, they just highlight a deficiency in their moral theology. And they will never address it. They'll never be like, and this is why that's more important. It's just like, but the book says nobody's good, but people are good. No, not according to the... All right, if I write everyone's good in my diary,

can you use that book instead? I think so. I don't know. This is like one of the worst messages in all of Christianity too. It's like, you don't, nope. You'd think you'd have to do good stuff for heaven, but you do not.

You, last second, believe it, just be like, and I love Jesus, last second. It's all you got to do Yeah, that's a terrible message. This can all perfectly be broken down to the apologetic from you'd think right I mean not not crazy. You're crazy, but not but you'd think I sure But no, there's this exchange that happens that's almost as though I suddenly walked into the writer's room and then lost all memory of it where she's like, hey, wait a minute, I thought you weren't going to preach to me. Isn't that what you just said? To which he I rightly screams at her, don't you want eternal life, Liz?

Jesus, he screams at her to be more Jesus like at this point. Yeah, shouting at a woman in a dark room is a great way to prove you're the one who's motivated by reason. And then he even issues a challenge. He's right. He's like, go out out there and ask anybody how to get to heaven and they're either going to agree with me or they're going to be a sinner who's wrong. Yes, or say another going to be a sinner who's wrong.

Yes, or say another thing every fucking time. Or say, what, you go out there, you survey 100 people, they say my thing or something else, if they say anything else, if they start singing Pirates of Penzance, you come back in here, I'll give you two nickels and a free suicide. I'll give you a red one.

Change religions. You don't believe in Jesus, A plus not a equals infinity. That's all the stuff that's my QED. All right. Well, now that somebody screamed at us about Jesus, I guess we've earned a break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will Liz die on September 19th at 605 PM? Will she do so in an unexceptional way that doesn't serve to advance any larger narrative? Then why the fuck make a movie about it unless it's just a snuff film for a local reporter

you don't like? Listen, as we fruitlessly ponder that last question during the entirely unsurprising conclusion of, the appointment. Eli. Yeppers? I Ely Yep, I've got a message from the Lord for you the Lord who the Lord Jesus Christ Oh, I was mostly kidding about the Mormon thing. I should get character The Lord has read your Twitter timeline and he is very displeased

The Lord has read your Twitter timeline and he is very displeased. He has an important message for you. On September 26th at 6.05 pm, you are going to die. Yep. But there's still time to, what do you mean? Yep, you said yep. Yeah, yeah, I got a whole thing planned. I'm in a live stream on Facebook Facebook and I'm gonna tag all the girls were mean to me in high school. Oh Um

Which is good because how long can I really keep going back to Carl the bug of beggar? Are you gonna be right? Wow? Wow got admit um I got nothing in the playbook for this situation I hear that a lot what's with the ominous music? No, it's by the way. Is that just... Oh, of that? It's, uh... you know... my tunes. It tunes? Helps me up, you know, my tunes.

No, uh... One second, hold on, one second hold on one second. Sorry. No hold on. I've got it. It feels like I said hold on. That's what it feels like I just said. Alright, fucking what already? I have a message for you from the Lord. The Lord Who? The Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, how the fuck did you get past the alligator pit? The Lord has heard your die tribes and he is very displeased. He has an important message for you. On September 19, at 6.05 pm, you are going to die. Nope. 19th is full.

We've got a scathing record and added on the 19th. And I've got, I, and I've got a meeting with Andrew in the afternoon. It's impossible. No, but, but this is a very important message. Oh, your thing is important. Well, let me tell Andrew, he's not important. So he can go fuck himself.

I got, I booked on the 19th. I got the entire 20th and most of the 21st, I just, I can die at 4.30 p.m. on the 21st at the absolute earliest and that's if he like doesn't dig anybody else up between now and then, okay? Okay, no, alright, never mind. You're goddamn right, never mind. Sorry. Hahaha. Ha ha ha! Pfft! Eave!

Hey man, what's up? I have a message for you from the Lord. Oh yeah, what's uh, what's the message? Go ahead. You are going to die on September 19th at 605 PM. Oh okay, cool. Cool, thanks for letting me know. Good stuff. Oh, aren't you like freaked out by that news? I'm fine.

I'm gonna go get some nachos though. Want some chose? I get some nachos. Sure. Sure, let's go get some chose And we're back for more of this shit and we're gonna start off back at that restaurant with her boyfriend again Where she is going to approach the life after death question as those she were asking if he'd like to watch her blow a black guy. Uh, if I had a nickel for every time I've tried to open a conversation about anal sex with, you know, we all die.

And I'm just saying, do you ever think about Haster Manning says that Bregdom is the place of death? So renting an orphan? What? Pastor Manning says that Brackdom is the place of death so Renting an orphan why? Did you say you said or you said I said orphan? We both said orphan Somebody at the next table said orphan I think yeah, it's crazy crazy Or dirt or dirt, I said.

And so and that's leading us into her amazing thinking about death montage. Oh, and these could not be broader strokes. This consists of her picking up a book that's like death and dying. It's the book. It's just like really weird section of a bookstore, first of all, that's about like life, but also death. Happy and sad. She's just like flipping through the gift of hope.

No, no. You're definitely not going to die this week. No. If she lands on on death and dying. Yeah. Yeah, but that's and that's where they start. They ultimately came up with something like nine different ways to demonstrate on film

that she's thinking about death. And that was the one they put up front. That was the least silly thing they could think of was her directly reading a book called, I'm thinking about dying. But the greatest one, my friends, to show that she's thinking about death is at some point someone turned to another person and said, you know, it would be a good way to illustrate

she's thinking about death if she almost kills a child with her real soul. And she does that. She got almost happens. I wanted the next shot to be just like the same thing, but Matthew Broderick and Caitlin Jenner, she runs a more. Just points up at the sky live and like, I'm okay. That was clever. This kid runs out in front of her car to chase a ball and she stops suddenly and then she puts her head on her ceiling wheel like, I just can't escape mortality. It's like she broke up with death and like has burned all this pictures, but then runs into a minute of friends party. Oh my God. Death is here. It's

fine. I'm going to be cool. How are you? Well, and as if that wasn't like a good enough demonstration of how quickly they run out of ideas for they are thinking about death montage. They also have a bit where she almost gets hit by a car, right? In this same montage, she's like reading church signs that say, you know, have you been thinking about death recently? She sees a fucking cemetery in the background, a headline about people dying, you know, and this is where we introduced the star of the film. This is sound wave. Uh, that was for Andrew. This is where we meet the car-sized tape recorder. Oh, is that the transformer? Yeah. Yeah. The laser jet printer that she holds. It is literally the size of the printer I'm sitting next to as a record.

It's a tape recorder though. How big were tapes? I remember them as very small, like smaller than my hair. They were, I have no idea. I've never seen anything like this. By 1991, we have, we had the little ones, right? They'll, they'll remember the little tiny tape that would come in it and everything. That's what sound wave was based on for fuck's sake.

That didn't happen in 1991. I have no idea where they got this gigantic fucking prehistoric Stone Age tape recorder for this movie. But they ran. But from now on, that's what we record this podcast. You people can share the tape around amongst yourselves. We're going to get record on three different tapes. We'll sink it up and then we're at three tapes.

Passes them on. We're going to start in the A's and then. But Jesus Christ. Yeah. I think that's what that guy sued Adam Corolla about actually. I think that was the business model that he said was podcasting. I actually think that's right. actually, I think that was the business model that he said was podcasting. I actually think that's right.

Jesus, that's that. So she's taken out this fucking speed boat of a tape recorder so that she can ask people how they're going to get to what's going to happen to them when they die. She was this man on the street shit as though this was a fucking right comfort movie. And now here's my question for you, gentlemen. Do you think these are actual answers they got from real strangers or do you think these are lines they wrote for actors? I think it's lines for actors because a lot of them were like terrified trying to remember

and read their one little second. It seems odd that they would have done extra work, you know, they wouldn't have just because the because the answers are so mundane. Right. Except for a couple of comedy answers they thrown in, like some of them are like, I don't know, go to church, be a good person, and the next guy's like, how about, yeah, I ain't telling. Yeah, which, which would kind of like lend a credence to the theory that this was just man on the

street. But one way or the other, these are some stupid fucking answers. Like they all assume the premise, right? It's all about like, well, how do you get to heaven when you die? Not, you know, what do you think happens when you die? Yeah. Speaking of where all Christians that agree, how do you get to heaven? Yeah, right. That's all Mont agree, how do you get to have it? Yeah, right.

That's how his whole montage works. Exactly. Phenomenal because the last person she asks before some more sad thinking about dying montage is a character I like to call heath with hair whose responses go fuck yourself. But that's before she gets to the guy who's right, right? Like it's very end, we get the guy who gives the correct answer, which is doing good, it's all about believing in the same God that I do.

And this is very clearly represented as like the only guy who's really thought this through and really has a good answer. But the good answer once again is you'd think, right? And just real quick, you know what I do? If I had four days to live, not interview strangers. I don't know. Take device to make me sweat trying to hold it. I just be doing crazy shit that would obviously kill you

just to fuck with God, making really work for it. Yeah, yeah. You like the greatest stunt man for four days. The juggling poison of snakes and shit. Yeah, go on. No, all Christians can handle this. Oh, bet your buddy a blowjob that you can jump out of a hot air balloon and live. And that's what I would do, right?

I would just go up to the straightest friends I had and be like, I bet you I can jump off that building for a blowjob and then be like, oh, all right, man, boom. And then just ruin their week. And then what I would do? I would record an episode where I just kept saying poisonous snake, knowing that I was going to be dead before the, you know, it's venomous snake emails came in. That's what I would do with my last day. Um, yeah. Yeah. So, but we get this, this, I think I killed those listeners. So yeah, then we, so we get this endless montage. And again, we should point out that it goes back to the well on asking people and then being a montage like three different times.

Right. This is not like what we're, we're, we're selling it as though it's one cohesive thing. No, it's montage of death things, man on the street, montage of death thinking, man on the street, three goddamn times before this is over. Right. And again, the last guy who's the right one is saying almost the exact word for word arguments as Eric and the black, I like wanted him to pull off the mask like Tom Cruise in your phone, be like, see, you get me now. Yeah, right. You go out on the street. I mean, I am on the street. So and then she heads back to the office after the montage, where she learns that her Hawaii trip just got bumped from the 24th to the 19.

So now it's the night before she dies. It's the night of the 18th. She's on the phone with Steve who I assume is that guy from the restaurant earlier. The lunch guy. And Steve wants to get his dick wet, but she has to super broadly explain that the plane leaves after five. Yeah, after five. Now, here's the thing, this would kind of be a clever setup. If she, her plane was going to crash and she was going to die at 605, she's not. This is just use this information that's in my brain now. Yeah.

Exactly. And that's what religions after ultimately. So yeah. So yeah, she's like, you know, she's on the, and of course it's another one of these, like one-sided phone conversations where the other guy is only getting two syllables into the time clearly, because she's like, no, I'm leaving tomorrow. Of course I want to see you again before I go. I'm not going to, I'll see you later in the conversation.

The micr machines guy on the other side. And so she gets off the line with him and then she sits down to watch generic series of channel flips before she gets to the the significant one. One of them was pressure luck. Oh, it wasn't really. Yeah, that was exciting. They use an actual clip. Yeah. Oh, okay, awesome.

I just had it down as generic wheel of fortune. I assumed that they were like getting as close as they were allowed to. And the news reporter. So she finally ends up on a plane crash. And the news reporter trying to say plane crash words are the most joy I felt here. It's like, here we are, the plane has crashed in the crashy parts and many many people on board are dead and forever all the time, all the way. If you die, you stay there. In death, I mean, the end, they're going to cut this. Blah blah blah. Be the carrots, peasant carrots. He basically says, boy, I'm glad I'm not about to get on a plane back to you stew. And so, okay. So she now is, she's really nervous because she didn't realize that people died in plane crashed. So now she runs to

the office the next day and tells them that she is not going to Hawaii, damn it, it's too dangerous. And it's amazing because she's like, I can't go to Hawaii, I just can't. And they, they're immediate reaction is, well, how are things with Steve? And she's like, I'll fuck Steve when I get around to it. Also, is there a reason why she was dressed like mini mouse for this scene? She up until that point had been wearing human clothes. You know, 1991, one out of six outfits.

The crazy trapezoid shoulders all the way out. What an ugly decade it was. So yeah, so the editor and June are very disappointed that she's not going to Hawaii. So they come in and ask her if she wants to just take the rest of the day off. And she's like, no, I will watch the clock along with the audience for the next nine hours of work day. That's the rest of the movie. It is. That's the rest of the movie is time moving and not even fast. You know, as the movie as fast as you want, like if it's 10 a.m. and then it's noon, like the audience isn't going to be lost about your time, montage. What day is it? Yeah.

The movie's terrible. They fucking keep panning up from the, uh, from the calendar up to a different clock and shit, just like, no, no, it's it's September 19th at 10 o' 7 and the whole thing, it played like like Chris Rock scrape, scrape, scrape bit, right? Like they would show the clock and then they'd show it again and you'd be like, okay, now it'll be four or five o'clock in the evening, close to, no, it's 11 o' 2. Somehow Amazon went backwards and there's more time on my, it was baffling. I was, and I have to point out that all of us have some version of there are only seven minutes left in this movie.

How much longer can this go? It is insane. How long this like 45 second montage feels. Oh my God. Well, yeah, because they just keep showing you a clock that's nowhere near the time you wanted to be. Yeah. So and then of course, she starts to like get a little worked up as the day goes on.

She could really use a Jesus freak to talk to right now, but unfortunately Eric is not around. And she doesn't theory about this. Uh-huh. So just keep in mind, Eric is not around. I'm going to bring my theory full circle towards the end. All right. All right.

Awesome. So lacking Eric to talk to, she takes out her gigantic tape recorder again. She pulls, starts it and she listens to more heaven direction, specifically that last guy who said exactly what Eric said before about it, not mattering if you're a good person. Yeah, they, they literally tripled down in this movie on the like Venn diagram. It's like, okay, here's good deeds. And here, separate region, Christian and the two things, they tripled down on that. Well, I don't want to be in both circles. A lot of people think you want to be in both circles. No, no such thing. There's no overlap

here. Well, it's been almost minutes since that part of the movie. So obviously we had to reinforce it. So yeah, it was the movie has very clearly turned into watching the clock at a shitty job, the movie. We cut to like the office space finally clearing out around her so that we could at least get some sense that it's maybe five ish. Right. So she's gotten a murder threat, right? She's afraid of dying and her solution is to stay alone in the open. No, I'm just gonna, you know, I need to clear my head.

I'm gonna go home and clean my gun connection while I'm blind. Always cheers me up. Also, this is where we get the most poorly executed jump scare that you can imagine, right? So she's creeping through the office right at 6 p.m. The ominous music is playing and is obviously about time for the jump scare, but they scared just the character, right? Like, not as like, we see Frank come up behind her. We see his arm extend before the jump scare. And Frank, by the way, that's bearded atheist number three. Right. And beard atheist number three is just like, Hey, I'm a pop scaring. She's like, Oh, Frank, what are you doing here? And

he's like, nothing, I gotta go. Yeah. What are you doing? I was just checking the big X under the anvil. You can take off. Nothing's gonna happen. So yeah, and she begs Frank to stick around and help her not die, but he's got a hot date that night. So he's got to go leaving her all by herself, which, which had me thinking, like, why wouldn't she just go to a different time zone and get more time or skip over 603, you know? Oh, you can just start flying. Set your watch forward. I wouldn't work. Yeah.

So, and then I love this bit too, because she's sitting around times slowly passing. She picks up a phone and I'm like, oh, who's she going to call in her last minutes? And she calls to check the time. This whole thing, there's a room surrounded by clocks and she calls to check the time. This room surrounded by clocks and she calls to check the time. And the whole, this is like she called what is the bank to tell them to tell what time? Yeah, yeah, the time and time and temperature. Yeah. And then they're showing like clocks and watches like might as well show her build a giant sundial. Sure. Like looking at their graph of the oscillation of quartz like

Stupid but in the foreground of this scene. There's a very conspicuous Bible and she reaches for this Bible Like the bad guy sniper about to pull the trigger at the end of act three, but not quite, right? She reaches out like that Bible is gonna leap out and take her fucking hand off is out like that Bible is going to leap out and take her fucking hand off. Because you can tell she's like, I don't know, maybe I like find Jesus real quick before 6.05. What's the harm? Right? No one's going to know. I'm alone in the office, just a quick Pascal wager and then I'll head out to subway.

Yeah, but also, but okay, but it shows her pick up the Bible and start to leave through it. And I'm like, Oh, yeah. Well, she's got two minutes. Hope she gets to all the important stuff. Yeah. Can you just open to a random page and read one sentence? So it works.

Or do you have to, she's just like scrambling to find the passage from the tape. Like the way that you're the ad I'm dead. Fuck. I was gonna say the life. And then we get a fake ass sounding breaking noise somewhere in the office. And at this point, just to break them a not neat, the character starts talking to herself. How she's not going to die. She's like, I'm not going to die when I open this door at precisely 605 PM at all.

This is silly. This would even make a stupid movie. Why would this happen? But she walks into the dark room and dammit if there's not a fire in it. Okay. So hear me out. Eric is offended that she doesn't accept Jesus. She tells Eric that the guy came and threatened her and said she was going to die on the 19th at 6.05 and then the dark room, the area where Eric works is a fire. Oh shit. As if to run her out of the building at precisely 6.05. And we. I have a theory that Eric is behind all of this. Oh, I know this is starting to make a lot of sense. She starts running downstairs. They zoom out the entire building collapses like tower seven. And Eric's just holding some holding up some thermite and some

some jet fuel. So yeah, so the fire alarm sounds she makes a run for. She's like, Oh my God, I'm gonna burn. She runs down the stairs and I'm like, Oh, running on stairs. When you think you're going to die, that's great. That's smart. But that doesn't get her. She rushes out of the building,

and as she's backing away, not paying attention, a fire truck is coming right at her, but don't worry, it stops before it gets to her. That would have been fucking hilarious, if she just been backing up in the fire truck slammed her. Exactly, so much better. But no, instead they have the firefighters,

like come up to her and say, back away, ma, man, this could be dangerous. Wouldn't want you to die at 6.05 PM on September 19th. So she steps back a little further. Oh, no, she's getting close to the curb. And then she falls over and gets hit by a truck in the face, in the face by a truck. Getting the face by a truck.

Fucking head on parkers. This is the problem. What do I always say? That is what you always say. They are murderers. They're the same. If you head on park, you're a murderer. And that is, by the way, the movie. It's over now. Could not have been more comical. The driver of that car, Eric. Of course, we're out of the building with a fire in a truck area. Yeah, wait for the trip, hitster with a car. Now, honestly, if that's how the movie had ended, right?

If it had, like, if it had gone exactly like that and then the movie and the camera just pans up and it's Eric having a demonic look on his face, I love this goddamn movie. That'd be pretty great. But no, instead we end on Hebrews 927. It is appointed unto men wants to die. But after this, the judgment. And then it says below that, yeah, right, you're going to die. That's it. And then below that, it says, when's your appointment? You're in the jungle, baby, you're going to die. The wisdom of Guns and Roses lyrics,

the movie, the Hebrew verse. Yeah. Okay. So what the fuck are we supposed to take away from this movie? Is it literally just like, well, Pascal's wait, don't be mean to the quiet guy in the office who's really shouting about his religion. That's a better message. Yeah. All right. So I feel like Eli's already almost answered this or at least come up with a good answer, but I'm going to ask him to come up with a different one anyway.

How should she have died at the end of this movie if they wanted to end it right? Oh, okay. You remember at towards the end when she picks up the Bible, right, that the angel gave her, she opens up the Bible and there's a poison dart inside of it. He's during the throat and she dies. I like it. All right. What about if the van stops just in time, but then the weird POV messenger guy stumbles over

the curb and drops an enormous camera on her face. Oh, this fuck. I was the one that, oh, I got, I got another idea. What if a Bible gets thrown at her and explodes a live bullet in her breast pocket by hitting a nail into herself? Yeah, I like it. It's no one would expect it.

And well, that's going to do it for a review of the appointment. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to rope you back in for next week's selection. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. What's on deck for our Halloween spooktacular? I'm glad you asked no a a a a a a a Oh my Nick Thunder next week Live zone half saw half Carly Fiorina hallucination

It tells the story of two young girls trapped by a mysterious killer or will it turn out? The killer is them. Join us next week for the life zone. Link to the full movie in the show notes. All right. So with that voice to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 113 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a pair episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating atheist the skeptic rat and citation needed available on iTunes

Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live if you have questions comments for cinematic suggestions You can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of PM Drittorra, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnikov, Evil Giraffes on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Lai Bosnick.

I'm Noel Williams, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Mormon God showed up with a camcorder and told Protestant God he's been dead the whole time. Creepy POV guy eventually made millions in voyeur camp porn, and barely even had to change his music. The Halloween Spooktacular were our most listened to episodes ever and we continued the Halloween spooktacular for every year for the rest of the

podcast and everybody loved it. You should have been here when listen to counted down on the line. I fucked it all up. I said, Oh, you'll have to do the 10 count. You're the one on the line. She goes 10. Now, and you can just hear, you're like, Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. I love it.

No, it's a fuck. He fights up coming in on four anyway. You know, it was, it was, it was, it was quite lovely. This one. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.