God Awful Movies - 115: Let There Be Light

Episode Date: October 31, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Let There Be Light; the story of the world's least Christian atheist becoming a Christian because of a drug induced hallucination. Kevin Sorbo and Sean Hannity bring you exactly what you'd expect Kevin Sorbo and Sean Hannity to bring you. --- Come see us in Australia! https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

What he specifies 150 proof like like like agnostic strength the normal 80 proof Do you want some, do you want some antifreeze? I got some antifreeze. Yeah, I actually, that wouldn't even do it. But if the poor out more. I thought I would pour this over some checks and then just have a bowl. You talk to me. God awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be.

Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. Who we will be. to know illusions and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend. He then write he's welcome back. It's a beautiful day. It's so good. It's so good.

Thank you. No, very excited. You know who doesn't write direct and starring enough movies? That Christian couples who used to be attractive. There's not enough of that in the world. I could not agree more. Holy shit. Is this the reason we started this show before I get too far into it. I have to introduce my bad friends, sitting 81 miles to my right. Eli Bosnick, how are you? This fine afternoon, sir.

I'm, I'm so, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Every second of this movie is amazing. There are a hundred and four, fifteen more, more than a hundred and fifteen movies. And this is, it makes it all worth it. It makes it. Yeah. I can't, it's so beautiful. If we hadn't enjoyed any of them up till now, it would have been worth it, right? Just to get here. Anyway, so yeah, without further ado, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched. Let there be light.

It's fan fucking fantastic. It's the story of what happens when a terrible actor employed entirely for his body gets old, panics, and is forced to find Christianity in order to continue working, at which point him and his wife, who had pretty much the exact same personal crisis, decides to write, direct, and star in a movie together. It's beautiful. It's everything I hoped it would be. We should say, we were so excited about this movie that we covered

Like when they first started talking about we covered it on the scathing atheist. Yeah, right? It's a new story other show. Yeah, we were excited that it was being made it being made was worth talking about yeah, right right exactly We've been looking forward to this for a while and it did not disappoint Eli How bad was this movie? Oh god well We've been looking forward to this for a while and it did not disappoint Eli. How bad was this movie? Oh God. Well, well, if you love God's not dead, but you hate it all, the excellent writing.

We'll love this movie. It's the, it's the best worst movie we've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was saying that on the way out of the theater I like my best worst might just end up being movie. It's not but it could have been I You know, I got home. I told my wife I was like the movie the writing in this movie was indescribably bad And she said it can't be indescribably bad your job is to describe it and I'm like, oh fuck fuck Um, and I've been thinking about it for the last like two days since we watched it. The best I can come up with is like, this was a movie that was written in pajamas, right? Like if somebody was in pajamas with their feet in the air and some cocoa next to them and going, and you

know what could happen then that, that's, that's the best I can do to give you the image of the writer's room for this film. Here's the best I could do to give you the image of the writer's room for this film. Here's the best I could do. I'm several times to this movie I turned to know any who I watched this movie with because I thought I had blacked out from happiness and was in a 40 minutes later where parts of the plot would have made sense. But I was never just waking up. Well, right.

And it's worth noting that, okay, this movie was primarily written by Sam Sorbo, Kevin Sorbo's wife. But she actually did have a real writer working with her Dan Gordon, who co-wrote this script is a legit screenwriter. He's got shit under his belt like, you know, good movies like passenger 57 and surf ninjas, but I love both of those movies. Right. Always fed on black.

Yeah. And this bad is those aren't like this is a person who at least understands how movies are written. So imagine how bad it started, right? Like when they brought it to this guy who'd actually written movies before, this was on napkins. It resembles a movie. It's definitely, you know the bad guys from the video game pray that can imitate a cup

or a chair. It's definitely a lot like a movie, but then it turns into a black alien. It stands you in the man can suck that your life essence is a great description of this movie. You're like, oh, there's a movie. Nope, it's the thing from scanners. So now, Eli, you alluded to this. This is episode 115 of the show, but this is the first time that all three of us went to see a movie together. I am so happy it was this movie. It was fake. It was fake that we all be there for the best theatrical experience we could possibly have. And we have to point out that like we were ready to heckle, right? We were all set up in our easy chairs, our layback chairs, all ready to heckle this movie. And then this super sweet Christian couple came in and sat in front of us and we all were

like, no, I got it. However, we could not resist because we had an accidental laughing contest with these people throughout the film. They laughed at all the jokes the movie wanted us to laugh at and we laughed at everything the movie didn't want to rest of the movie. Well, it was so funny because like there was this, we should have had a pool on who was going to break first, right? And how it was going to happen because we made it like two thirds of the way through this movie with maybe a couple of snorts or snickers that could have been mistaken as

a, as a stifled sneeze. But then about two thirds of the way through it, Heath broke once. And after that, the flood gates just fucking opened. Also, I just want to point out the couple showed up about 10 seconds after Eli agreed to leave his pants on just in case somebody showed up. And they came in. I thought it'd be funny. He turns to be right before I need to say, if I take my pants off, well, what do you guys tweet a picture of it? And I'm like, we're like setting up the picture and then we're like, nothing we were He's just pants on hello.

If you're a tripod, did you guys leave the We're right here crazy It's just sitting here. So we'll we'll bring it to the desk later No, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at I would I would I'm gonna say best worst Understanding how the atheist world rankings work. Now, obviously we have those. We have those, but they seem to have no idea how the point system works.

No idea whatsoever. Obviously, the brackets system, at least, I don't know, we get there. Over and over again in this film, the main character is referred to as the world's top atheist, right? The world's number one, the world's top atheist, right? The world's number one, the world's biggest atheist and whatnot. And yeah, I have an extraordinarily large amount of my notes devoted to trying to figure out what the fuck that means. Well, I'll say what kind of glamin on to your theme here. I'm going to go with best, worst understanding of how photons work. A large portion of this movie will rely on the fact that when you turn your flashlight on

on your phone, it can be seen from space. It is a visible from space. That's not true. That is the end of the movie. That the whole movie relies on that fact. Yes. You could see a galaxy seven note. That's pretty big. How did no one tell anyone involved in this? There's so much of that though, right? There are so many moments in this fucking movie where you're like, how did no one tell them? Speaking of which, and we're going to get to this one, understanding how cancer works. The doctors are the best. The doctor is one thing. The doctor is great. And the doctor broke he. But there is a single line in this movie that I will literally never be able to

recover from. And you get to it when the time comes, but there is a line having to do with cancer in this movie where I don't I'll never think about anything else ever again. I'll be on my deathbed, serenity by my crash and then be like, Grandpa, and I'll be like, did I give my son cancer? I can son, can't I can't get it. I can't get it. Now I need to talk. I need to review this movie every day for a year. There is so much to break there's so much that I want to just jump into right now.

It feels like my whole life has been building to this moment and I don't want to delay it much longer. So we're going to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the your neighbor's kids movie wasn't as bad as you thought it would be action of. Let there be light. From the makers of God's not dead and let there be light. I'm the world's most famous atheist. I'm a super atheist. I atheist all God damn day and night. Comes the inevitable next step in Christian filmmaking.

Well excuse me Mr. Famous Atheist, but I have a question for you. Go ahead, shoot fucker. What if you're wrong? Holy shit. Are you serious? From a man who thought he knew everything. I never thought of that before. Seriously, my mind is just fucking blown right now. Came to knowledge that he might know nothing. Yup, I'm a Christian now.

Jesus, take the wheel. I am a Christian. This summer, what if you're wrong? Wow, really? Yup. What do we do now? Like church? Something?

Let's go. I'm in. Let's fucking Christian it up. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this off where all pro religious movies should start a religion inspired terrorism montage. I feel like this was added in by a sarcastic editor is like, okay, look, at least the movie

you're about to see isn't as bad as 9, 11, the bottom body. Charlie had to like just give it in context. Let's just all keep it in context, which we're about to see is not as bad as ISIS, even though we will compare ourselves to ISIS throughout the move. That's actually an apologetic they're going to use. Yeah. Yeah. I hope you as I think. And of course, can we address the music that we get over this montage? Oh, it's fantastic. Are you talking about hip hop that can only be described as written by Kevin Sorbo and Sean Hannity when they

were starting to make a hip hop album? Just super excitingly handing it to their black friend like, oh, man, these are some sick beats. You guys promised not to say that right? We did. Here you go, Mark. He's thrilled. And this will not be the last time that the, that the soundtrack makes a really bizarre intrusion upon the movie. Alright, so now it's time to meet the world's top atheist, And we made a no. I do. Jew Hitchens. Name Jewish. Name is Jew.

Manny Hitchens. Also Dawkins. Hitchens. No, like Harris, we all together. I guarantee you that she just cut the last name Harris and the last name Dawkins and half and came up with Saul Harkins. I guarantee you that's it.

One of the most beautiful things about this movie is watching through Christian eyes what happens if you smash all four horsemen and every other atheist they've ever met together into a stereotype, right? They're like, yeah, that, that hitch is he was always drinking. So our character will drink straight vodka throughout the film. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, right, right. Yeah, it's, it's like listening to a British person doing American accent. It's always fun. So he's debating some Christian schlepping. The

very first thing we, we hear this guy do is confuse evolution and a biogenesis. Exactly. He's just like, yeah, atheism is Christianity made. It's a matter of Darwin versus genesis, which is right. Which is if I take these goal posts and I put them around. But of course, Sorbo interrupts him because he's a fucking atheist. Right, but not with atheism with like a magic trick. Like if he just appeared a bird and was like, and the crowd cheers, that's what the Christians think. Christians losing a debate to an atheist.

He cuts the nipples out of his shirt, just rips it open and he's just like, oh, but it makes me feel like. None of it's anywhere close. Or if it is an atheist sounding argument, it's like the weirdest, meanest, most perverse side of things. It's like, your God would allow people to die. And my God wants milk from Mama's beef. Exactly. It's like a middle school kid winning the big fight in the cafeteria, the verbal

fight, which is like charisma and nonsense talk, crowds of people fervently agreeing with it. Who does that sound like to you? Is that? Yeah. Atheism. Is that what atheists? This is another example of you are the movie. Yeah, no shit. I'm also, we have to, I have to point this out because he's about to like launch his new big atheism book. The title of his book is a boarding God. I would so by that book.

I'm actually jealous that they came up with that title. That's that's that's pretty sad. Can't copyright a title? Dieters volume three. Just say. By three, a boarding God or we could do a little little video, something. It's like a doctor doing stem cell research. Fuck was that a lightning bolt?

What's happening? So, okay. And also, by the way, this is and the movie will come back to this a number of times. As Saul Harkins makes clear in his rebuttal to this argument from the Bible being better at explaining how DNA formed. He explains that atheism is about three things really, sex drugs and rock and roll. And, and let me just say he is right. All I do is I fuck, I rock and I do narcotics. I'm going to talk about how realistic this movie is going to show me.

And someone who's done the atheist convention scene. I have done a line or two of the naked butthole of my fellow man. I mean, it is not boring talks for middle age people shitting on homey obi, they none, I know. It's a whole ton throwing lesbians at heath. It's a whole world out there. And okay, so for the first time in this movie, this will not be the last. And this actually becomes an important plot point later. Saul Harkins points out, because the Christian guy's like, well, I believe in God and God wants me to be good. And blah, blah, blah, change the minds of people. And and Saul Harkinsins points out he's like, well, hey, those people chopping off heads and Syria are just as convinced as you are if not more so That's and I'm like, yeah, that's a great. That's a great. That's pretty strong point there

And he's he's counter to that is Christianity offers forgiveness not damn nation And I'm sure they cut a line where Kevin Sorbo was like what if you don't accept the forgiveness right then it offers damn nation They cut a line where Kevin Sorbo was like, what if you don't accept the forgiveness? Right. Then it offers damn nation. But they would give you a shot. Don't be dick. If you say sorry before you hit the ground as they're throwing, read the grand, man. I'm, which one am I?

Yeah, right. But this is where Ksorbs has to pull out the big guns in the debate. He has to get super emotional, right? The Christian tries to hit him with forgiveness and all this crap. And then he has to go like down on one knee and shit and he's like, if there's a God, why did he murder my son with cancer? And God just standing at the back of the auditorium with blood on his hands, trying to sneak out through a super squeaky door.

Just the music is playing that like Beatrix kiddo gets when she sees one of the people on our list or something. Yeah. And that's also when he does the wings world illusion. Yeah. The literary illusion. The wing. Yep.

And he does the party. He gets the whole crowd chanting party on because he's like, well, you know, he got killed by God when he was nine. So I just, you know, deal with it with dry party on drugs. Let's do it. And every starts chanting party on party on. I thought they were going to descend on the Christian and eat him like the Baja. This whole auditorium party, party, party, party. So they just start peeling his arms from

his body. No, I forget. Reason, gone. Party. Lock her up. Wait. I got caught up in it. That was the last week. The instinct. Yeah. But we, but in it. That was the last week thing. Instinct. Um, yeah. So, but we, but we established very clearly that atheism equals consuming enough drugs to stave off the suicide. The crowd goes wild chanting nihilistic and ebriation, nihilistic and ebriation. And then just to finish it off right, Forbes gets a little serious, turns his chair around the other way, you know. And he says, all you need is your humanity.

And everybody goes crazy. He stands there in Jesus Christ post. And you're thinking, this is the guy who is going to be wrong in the movie that humanity is not a good thing, which is the first time the couple in front of us went like, okay. And then, okay, so the debates over, he's cleaned the Christian's clock. And now we have to check in with K-Shorpe sad, sad home life. Okay. Is it sad, though? I don't know what the fuck they're they're trying to play it up as sad, but he's like, he's drinking scotch in this impossibly nice Manhattan apartment. Nobody's bothering him. Like he, and he's like, he's like, live

in the dream. And it's like all sad. He is living. Yeah, right. He's, what are you talking about? You know, be a rich and single and Manhattan sure sucks. There's never anything to do, you know? So rich and single and famous in Manhattan. Yeah, this movie, honestly, one of my best worst could be best worst. I don't think that's bad the way you think that's bad. Makes having sex with having enthusiastic, consensual sex with swimsuit models be a sad thing. Yes, a sad thing. Yeah. Right. Because you could be fucking Sam Sorbo. Speaking of

which now we've got to get advice. Next time you make you build an atheist straw man, come over to my apartment and watch me eat Chinese food on mastumic at two in the morning while I watch one of your movies. There's there are bad atheists. A bad time. You don't need to make them millionaires. You can watch me do a Robics in the corner of the gym while

pretending I don't see those women pointing and laughing at me. Like don't say and I can help. So all right. So now we have to meet Kevin Sorbos real life family. All right. His wife plays the ex-wife in this movie. His children play the children in this movie. So he's showing up in suburbia to like pick up the kids for his weekend with them or whatever. And basically she opens the door and says, Oh, hello, ex-husband who has lost his faith when our son died.

Yeah. They speak entirely in exposition here. She literally calls his book release party a God bashing party. Yeah. I mean, we literally performed a roast of God. Yeah, but they didn't think it was. Yeah, but they didn't do it in the movie. But we want just like railing Jesus fucked dolls

and like shooting Christians that have velcro wall with a slingshot. Yeah. Yeah. And we weren't just doing. No, we did a lot of stuff. They said no to those suggestions for skeptical. So Iran says I can't email him anymore.

But okay, but she wants to have a talk with him before she entrust the kids with him to take him to the amusement park. She wants to talk to him about how damaging his atheism is for their kids. This is, but this was bizarre. Oh, tell me if I have this wrong. Her argument is when you tell your sons that their brother isn't in heaven, that he's just dead, it makes them sad. And it's really disgusting the way you would take advantage of the death of a child to promote your

agenda. Yep. That's it. You wouldn't you wouldn't want to yeah, right, right? Because it's that's one of the big selling points of atheism is you don't have to worry about seeing your loved ones when you die. Hey, hey, did you like your grandma? Yeah, me neither. Come on over and of course, Kevin's or because they don't know how atheists would react to anything, Kevin Sorbo is basically like, how dare you pray to the man that murdered my son. God comes out to get his paper back slowly back into it. God, this is not a good couple of days for me. So, yeah, so they have this conversation. The kids come out, well, they don't want to hang out with them, because he's just too

atheist. They don't want to go ride roller coasters with him. So the wife leaves with one of the kids. The other kid wants to just hang out and play basketball with dad. But apparently that's only so you can get him to sign his permission slip to go to Haiti to do charitable work, which uh-oh.

Well, we're atheists. We know, yeah, well, we know how pissed off atheists get at the idea of going to dig wells in Haiti. Oh, yeah, he's like, we do not help patients. We are atheists. So I'm absolutely not signing that permission slip because they can't do the real problem which is hey How about you go down there and do some good work without shoving a Bible in a kid's hand in exchange for food He has to go like I don't know. Do you really need to be the one digging a hole?

I hate it when people have clean water and food That's why us atheists hate those mission trips so much. Yeah, right, because of all the clean water. Yeah, no, I believe as actual objection is, I feel like they've been digging holes there for a long time. I don't think they need your help. Yeah. And then we go head over to the big book launch where we get to learn what Sam Sorbo thinks an atheist party looks like. It's insane. It's a book release party for an atheist that like studio 54 at the height of his promise. I've just made a goal and cocaine and fucking diamonds.

It's heaven. Everyone's a human sushi statue. Everyone is a human sushi statue. And the fucking fall over six minutes before the fall of Rome people. And honestly, you know, the greatest, the greatest punishment. I love atheist conventions. I've been to a bunch. But the greatest punishment we could bestow on Kevin Sorbo is to bring him to an atheist convention, sitting around, drinking a watered down cranberry juice, just, yeah, Kevin, so this is what it's like. I thought there'd be fucking.

Well, there is, there is fucking. It's really awkward. Real awkward. We fuck sometimes. So, so this is also where we learn, of course, that this assholes date in some kind of Russian bikini model. That's reasonable. He's a whole unhappiness. Beautiful Russian model. Well, he's dating an American lady who's pretending to be a strong man. Yeah. Her accent is amazing. It just keeps fading throughout each sentence each line.

She like it travels through Europe. Like it starts out Russian at the beginning of a sentence and then it's like Borat, Kazakhstan and then it ends up like Scottish by the end of the night. By the end of the scene, she's like must go find Moussen Square. You're done. You're done. You're lines are done. Borat and Natasha. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Also, we should point out at this point that Kevin Sorbo's character is

an alcoholic. And we learned that by the fact that in every scene, he's drinking alcohol and saying, I'm an alcoholic. He's drinking like ridiculous like purple cocktails with a giant like a bouquet of flat like an edible arrangement coming out the top of the drink. You know what alcoholics don't drink that thing. Yeah. Like they were like, what do alcoholics drink? Oh, they go crazy on garnishes. That's what they're all about. How many Apple TVs they've you had 75

Give me another three hours in the candy store motherfucker What's your name? Muddle those cherries. Muddle them. One three hour to get it. So you did the right one. There are still three. Three hours. That's a triple.

That's like a triple. And a rocky road mudslide. Extra crammed to kick out. go extra crime to kick out extra crime to kick out. All right. So, yeah. So, we established that he's an alcoholic. We'll do that a couple more times just in case you missed it. This is also where we meet his agent.

Now, we also meet his publicist. We'll get to her, but we need a minute with the agent. The agent is just, it is somehow they don't make him gay, but they're trying their best to be like, snooty British and New York gay combined. And the only thing that anyone in this movie knows is that gay people say darling and British people have British accents. Yeah. No, every single sentence this character says in the movie will open with darling.

Yeah. So they're very excited. The book launches huge. They're really excited about the big debate. This is an actual line from the film, the fucking, the darling guy, the agent. He says that whole ISIS is the same as the church thing has gone viral. We could make a t-shirt that says ISIS equals the church. We sell millions. That's how easy we've got it, guys. I don't know if you realize how easy

it's been for us this old time. I mean, I'm not saying that I haven't made several hundred ISIS equals the church t-shirts and was planning to surprise you guys with the met artists. I feel stupid, but I hope Australians like ISIS equal this church t-shirts. It's expensive to shit. That's all I'm saying. So yeah, so K sort of put some more drinks in his drinks and has some more alcohol and then he goes to leave. And you know how it is when you're an atheist, there's paparazzi everywhere. Right. Everywhere. Can't make it from your fancy million dollar netting book release party. A sleek sports car without the paparazzi at the model. you're dating. Am I right?

Yeah, this is what they think. What your dockins is doing. What they really think that's his life. I wanted so bad to just like be able to splice in some shots so they'd keep cutting over to dockins in real life during this movie. He's just like reading every time. It's just him reading. Like one time he's kicking Ben Stein out of his house, but the most of the time he's just reading. It's certainly in the mouth of her.

Yeah. Also, the, this is where we have to learn that the Russian bikini model doesn't really like him that much. She won't even kiss him because she's afraid to mess up her makeup in front of the paparazzi. Okay. Okay. Okay, Christians, you want to have a who has weird or sex and kisses more contest? Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm right. How much come do you spit into each other's mouth? If you want to start it, we can go. Kevin, sorry, but I'll do a never have I ever contest with you. Lies. All right.

Patreon. Patreon. I think the actress had this stipulation in her contract. She was like, I'm not kissing that fuck. And also Sam Sorboh clearly wrote this elaborate explanation. Why they're not. Yes. Oh, yes. It's pretty.

All right. Well, hot. I have met. I don't know if we spit come my makeup will run and then there's a whole thing. Yeah. I didn't even think about that one, but yeah, she didn't want that hot. He kissed in her husband. That's amazing. All right. So he drives away drunkenly. The model doesn't go with him. She's got important shit to do, important bikinis to model. So he drives away drunkenly. The model doesn't go with them. She's got important shit to do, important bikinis to model. So he drives away. He's weaving along when his agent calls

him and his agent says we couldn't think of anything for our characters to be talking about at this moment. So how about that atheism, huh? It's very like I say, darling, please don't crash your car and create the plot of the movie You should just fucking There is no God whatever I steal where I want There is no God, whatever, I still where I want. Crash. That's pretty much what happened. And it is still released with stand to bewik.

Desserts. And by the way, this fucking crashes every bit as surprising and realistic as like the end of Tunes is the driving cat, I guess anyway. So yeah, I'm just separating the eight. I'm separating the audience by age right there. Um, and now of course, all right, one guy at home right now toons is, yeah, he's gonna poster on his wall. These motherfuckers get it.

Decat the good drive. Good drive. He drives around all over the town. Yeah. All right. So any hey, Mexican people. That's the second verse. any, hey, Mexican people. That was the second verse.

Not a lot of people know. Yeah, no, no, they never really would. It's like, it's like cheers. They never go into the second verse. It's kind of weird. Cheers is vicious. I'm racist. No, 2017.

It's like willing race. Just a bitter Uber driver. Got a bunch of one star reviews for when he was obviously drinking out of a flask and talking on the phone. All right. So then Kevin Sorbo, of course, dies. Goes to have it. I'm sorry. Goes to the fluctuating video tube of purgatory. It's a wobbly tunnel filled with pictures of his kid or pictures of his childhood. I don't yeah, yeah, it's the yeah, right. So he's in a wobbly tunnel of heaven and a long comes a sparkle face.

It's his dead son. It's his dead son. It's his dead son. So just to be clear, God is giving him back his dead son to taunt him right now. Yes There's no other way to describe that that's what's happening So I'm confused about how heaven works so people in heaven get like Called down to the bullshit temp heaven tube thing for me down to the bullshit temp heaven tube thing for me. So I hate to do it, but we got to cut off your infinite blow jobs.

You got to come down to the bullshit tube. Three days. I was just having the best time ever. I feel like I'm going down to sit in a tube full of pictures would not be fun for me. Also, why am I still a child? There's obvious things that are pleasurable. Is someone fucking a child? I mean, let's do it.

Right. Right. Right. You're not like, oh, fucking's not good. Right. And if it's still a child, you okay. Thank you. Exactly. So if you're at home and you're

mad right now, it's because your God fucks a child or at least the ranges for a child to be fuck, which in many ways is worse. I've learned from okay, but this gets nine when he died. So I feel like it's semi appropriate. He's getting infinite blow jobs at nine. Wow. This I didn't think there was a down, but there is there's always a down. I'd like to know. There's another thing I've learned. Uh, doing this job has been in heaven for a certain amount of years. Can he consent? That's all we're asking. We're asking the real questions. So you know what they get Andrew on for that one. Oh, it's back to the episode. Yeah. And we're back from the edit. Um, of course the kids message here is, hey, dad, it's not your time.

You have to go back also the title of this movie, right? The kid just like mysteriously says, let there be light, dad, like nine times in this exchange. Also Kevin Sorbo is like, I don't want to go back. Go back, go back, but not like there's an echo. Kill Sorbo says, go back, go back. Yes. Yes, actor.

Yes. They don't even, yeah, they don't, I don't think they recognize that supposed to usually be an echo. The rest of this movie would be like, rest of this movie. All right. So now he's undead. We go back to the hospital. The media, of course, is just crowding in there again.

He's an atheist. It's big deal. And they want to know if he's dead. He's not. But the doctor is telling that he does have a blood clot that could kill him at any second. This will never come back. Nope, there will never, it will not matter in any way. Nope.

This doctor is the greatest though, although not going to hold that title by the end of the day. No, yeah, for the moment, he's the greatest, but the best I manner of like redneck rain man, he's blood, God, it's going to fucking kill you. I don't know, just you're going to have to deal with it. That's happening. Yeah. And by the way, you are dead for four minutes. It's a miracle that you're alive. Also, he was dead for four minutes, but he does not have a scratch on him. I don't know how he met. Did he just dive into a man that smothered him until he was dead?

He seems to scratch free. He looks better in this hospital bed than I do right now. I mean, he's been more scratches and burns on me just because walking through my apartment is scary. Yeah, well, right, right. Yeah, he's otherwise unscathed other than the blood clot in his brain and the four minutes of death. But his agent is like, he're, and he's like, oh, guys, I saw my son while I was dead. And the agent's like, don't go all Christian on me, motherfucker. Yeah. The agent's like, all right, man, just relax, though. All the money is in almost dying and staying atheist. Yes. You know how Ryan Bells a millionaire? You got to pull an atheist Ryan Bell. Trust me. And that will be a theme for this movie, by the way, is trust me. You can't sell any books with a conversion story.

It's just an atheist who stayed atheist. That's where the money lies, which is why we made this movie and asked people to buy tickets to it. Right. Also, and this is going to be a running theme in the movie as well. Apparently no one in this cinematic universe or in this filmmaking production is familiar with the concept of dreams. Right here. Because he's just like he comes to and he's like, I met my son and nobody's just like, you dream that you met your son. And then he doesn't go like, well, yeah, yeah, I dream that I met my son. It was really creepy. And then everybody wouldn't like, I met my son and nobody's just like, you dreamt that you met your son and then he doesn't go like, well yeah, yeah,

I dreamt that I met my son, it was really creepy and then everybody wouldn't like, yeah, you were on a lot of drugs because they were bringing it back from death and then he wasn't like, yeah, no, that makes sense. It was just, it was really creepy and then he wasn't like, you know, anyway, moving on, let me sell more books.

How amazing would it have been if he was like, I saw my son and they were like, you dreamed about your son and he was like dream right that's that word. Anyways, I was thinking party on and credits. Yeah, right. That's why Atheist movies don't make any money. Yeah. Oh God has sent me some very, very inappropriate messages about Miss Asakura.

And for that, I want to apologize. I didn't know she had passed on. Um, and I feel like I wasted a lot of her time and a lot of Nutella in heaven, to be honest. So it's going to make that flesh like collection more valuable. Well, that's it. So all right. So then now the ex wife barges in, right? Sam sort of a barges in and just starts, you know, just starts yelling, God, God Jesus

God at him. That is all this character's got. Yeah, that is it. That is all she has to say. She's like, so are you a Christian now? And he's like, why would I be a Christian? I mean, I am, but why would I be a Christian? Why is that the first, Am I okay? And she's

like Christian? And he's like, all right. Well, I am, which makes us weird. But Bill Mars short, Bill Mars short. Yeah. Right. Well, yeah, as agent, Tershaw, he's like, you're going to be the next Bill Mar. This will be huge. Also, I love, he's, the agent's like, and think about it. Now you can finally prove atheism because you died and you didn't go to heaven. Because that's what it, that's what the atheists have been waiting,

we've been waiting for someone to die and not have an NDE. Guys, we have been working way too hard. I have hundreds of thousands of examples. It's gonna be a great year. What are you guys gonna do with all your free times? We've been on all this staff and reviewing all these movies.

All we needed was three people we fucking know. Yeah, right. So all right, so they start wheeling them out of the hospital because you know, four minutes dead. It's been hours after that. So he's fine now. But of course, again, the paparazzi are everywhere between him and the elevator, right? They don't even get outside because apparently they couldn't afford exterior shots very often. But the paparazzi's crowd around the elevator start yelling questions at him, right? Now, the questions they're asking aren't like,

did you see a tunnel of light? Did your kid come back and give you a message or are you still an atheist? And my first thought is, could you imagine that going the other way? Right, like even in a movie, right? Like the prominent Christian goes to the hospital and he comes out and all the paparazzi are going, do you still worship a god even though he smited your heart?

Did you feel the sea heaven? Are you still Christian? Do you see Muhammad? Did the dark enter you? How does this hospital visit a factor number one ranking on the eighth he has some tour? Are you still? Just cut over to Dawkins leaving the hospital after a stroke, trying to answer questions. Come on, man. He didn't say he was still, I asked him if he was still atheist and he didn't say yes. He said, so yeah, but he can't answer, right? He just doesn't know anymore whether he's an atheist or not.

And then he goes home so he can be depressed and godless some more. Now this is again, where we reinforce the whole boy, it must really suck to live in a $9,000 a month department in Manhattan and be famous. That's great. This movie is way better than a Bogosian's manual at creating. This is strong. This is a good argument. So yes. And then of course, he starts doing drugs, right? Because the Dodger tells him no more drugs and no more drinking. So he goes home and immediately starts drinking and doing drugs. And he might as well have pill bottles with the words drugs on them. We get the drugs.

We look at a montage of drunk atheist writer stuff. Yeah. And this is what they think atheists do. This is like he's like just drinking up size, kicking around on the cow. He's sliding across the floor like risky business dancing to nothing with his bottle. The tennis ball machine shooting bundles of drugs in his face. So, I don't want to be that guy, but that is pretty much your life he Chinese food drinking Grumpled up paper. I got to get a tennis ball machine. Yeah

Also, I love at the very end of this scene. He turns on the TV and on the news They're like oh this just in Kevin Sorbo's girlfriend is fucking some photographer dude So she won't be fucking him anymore. That Russian supermodel poor guy. Yeah, because because when you're an atheist, they tend to like put that kind of stuff on like, you know, when Dan Finke was off the market, they basically they talked about that on CNN, all goddamn day. I wonder who has higher divorce rates, Christians or higher divorce rates, Christians or I don't know if you can count that. It's not even countable.

You're just a stats like you're just gonna. Yeah, like God could be tested by your silly numbers. Nerd, fuck you. So, okay, so he wakes up the next day. He's all hung over. He talks to himself for an inordinate amount of time on his way to the door. This will happen a number of times.

Like, and I know what happened here is just like his idiot wife wrote to God, damn much monologue here. So they had to like have him walk in a circle through the kitchen so we could get it all out. It doesn't start and walk and talk. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Right. Why is this happening? But it's his publicist. Now his, his agent is the gay stereotype. His publicist is the black stereotype. Uh, and she brought, yeah, she brought coffee and danishes, which

is a bad thing. Like they make it seem like this is also part of his sad pathetic life is having a friend who would check on you and bring you coffee and Danishes. Really? The movie plays it like so sad. Can't buy it. So Danish. And bring fucking bagels. This is New York City.

Don't be an asshole. Right. Danishes. Bring donuts. Bring bagels. Don't be an asshole. Bring donuts. Bring bagels.

Don't be an asshole. Bring donuts. Bring bagels. Don't be an asshole. So he starts at nine a.m. drinking straight vodka out of a bottle. He specifies 150 proof. Like like agnostic strength, the normal 80 proof. Yeah. World ranked.

He is saying fucking pour out half the bottle and cut it with pure ethanol. What? Do you want some? Do you want some antifreeze? I got some antifreeze. That wouldn't even do it. That have to pour out more. I thought I would pour this over some checks and then just have a bowl. You talk to me. So no, but she's worried about them because he's got his big comeback speech tonight. Come back from what I don't know. Apparently time has passed or something, but this is basically an audition for his big cable TV show, Damien. If he wants to be the next Bill Mar.

He can't fuck this one up. He can't go in drunk. Right. And she explains that they booked a like a giant hall again. And I wanted to be like, I don't know, maybe you can like tie a Christian to a chair and punch him for us to watch. We love it. We love it.

Right. So we go to the big TV show audition slash comeback speech thing. And instead of the big hall, we were promised it's, it's the pit. It's the theater of my old high school is what I have. Which is great because they show the external shot is Broadway, right? Yeah. It's on Broadway and then it's my high school drama. Like, and of course, he's reading from a telepropter full of lies.

It shows the telepropters. He's reading all like, I died. I didn't see a light or a tunnel. And the words or my dead kids show up and he's like oh can I say that Atheist words I don't know You know because you know how atheists very often don't believe what they're saying But just say it for the money is a big problem in atheism that we have Jesus fucking Christ, but but he just can't bring him to self to say that he didn't see his dead kick because you know, it's good and damn well, the dreams aren't a thing that happens

to humans. So he loses his fucking mind. Yep. He has like, we're supposed, we learn later that this is a panic attack, but the only medical condition we've been told he has is a blood clot. So I was like, oh, he's about to be dead. This is a blood clot. So I was like, oh, he's about to be dead. This is a short. So, but yeah, but no, he's like, Gady, I saw our son, errrrgg. And then the whole room gasps and he just loses his mind and has a Jesus attack. It's an amazing convulsion stroke too. He

like, it goes all the way down and then he falls and then he's like kicking around in circles like he's doing a guitar solo. It's a little over the top. So it doesn't kick up on his way out. Wow. And a back down. So now we're back at the hospital again to meet an even sillier doctor. This movie is just, each doctor had to be sillier than the last and believe me, they pull out the big guns by the end of it.

But before we get there, we have to meet Dr. Patel. She's a neurologist and she's a big fan of his. She's like fan-girling wall. She gives him diagnosis. She's like, first of all, I just want you to know I'm a huge fan of your work. The blood clot hasn't moved. So we should be able to manage it. You should be relatively safe.

But like when you wrote a boarding guard, I read every page. I was such a huge fan. I feel pretty star struck also. You need to start drinking less because you are going to die, my friend. Yeah. And I love to his like his reaction is like, huh, that's so weird. I can't think of any stress disorders that happen post-traumatically like that. What could it be?

Must be my dad's son. And the doctor goes, well, no, do you have any questions for me? And the wife is like, go on, ask. You know you want to ask. And he's like, yeah, did I see my dad's son? Is there a heaven? I just wanted Mars to pop out from the cushions behind him. If I might, if I might.

It's okay. Masi's side's getting high. Michael Marshall here. Really extensive explanation for you, but my wish comes true because the doctor explains exactly what happens nicely and enthusiastically. She's excited by science. Yeah. Like when you almost die and your brain gets no oxygen, that's not time for real stuff. So whatever you know how when you fall asleep at night, you're not really naked in school. It's kind of like that.

It's kind of like that. Speak for yourself. But as he's listening to her perfectly reasonable enthusiastic description of what he went through, it's like, it's supposed to be sad, but this is like a character being sad in a scene and movie where they find out that an LSD trip isn't magic.

Yes, you mean it's not turtles all the way down. You know how you can take LSD and everyone's not actually a dragon? It's like that. It's like that. It's like that. It's like that. No, I don't know, man. You provide evidence.

I don't feel like you've proved your point. Show me five not dragons. So okay. So his ex wife drives him home and he really wants to believe it was a hallucination, but this utter lack of disconfirming evidence is still bothering him. So he's still puzzling on it. He's still chewing on it. And his wife, of course, she's not buying this, you know, humans have dreams bullshit

either. Right. And they try to debunk the whole hallucination thing. He's like, oh, trust me, I have done the acid. I injected it into my butt. A hundred times a day. I know an acid trip because I didn't experience how you nations, how yet, how you know, lunatication. I didn't, wasn't acid. Get the liquid with the drop or put it in your assholes, but your eyes had some ass tripping. Oh, it's fun. Now it probably worked, right? It's absorbs it. Yeah, only one fun. That would probably work, right? It's absorbed. Yeah, only one way to find. Yeah, right. Patreon goal.

Put acid up Eli's ass. All right. So, yeah. So, oh, I also love this line too, where um, the wife turns to him and says, get some rest, honey, you look like hack. Really? Sam Sorbo. he looks bad. Really? Really? Really? She looks like Hillary Swank got mutated into some kind of accident. Like, Hillary Swank got all her dominant genes taken away by a laser or something. All right. Now, okay, so then we've got to very quickly go check it on the fam here so we can learn

that Sorbo's kids can act. And so that we can introduce the craziest sub plot of this movie, which is the fact that this kid wants to fuck his mom. Yes, that he just really wants to fuck his mom and that his mission in life is for his mom, not to fuck his dad. Now, let me be clear. I know that people who listen to the show a lot are going to be like, Oh, Eli, you're so wacky. No, no, no, my friends, watch this movie every single scene with this kid in it for the rest of the film will be this kid's soul-minded mission for his parents, not to fuck. Yes. He's trying to keep mom pure. So yeah, so he warns him.

He's like, he warns mom, he's like, don't hang out with dad so much. He's a user. He's going to dump you again. It's like he dumped God. You're right. It's typical. So just God listening to sometimes when we touch crying in his room. Looking through Facebook pictures. I'm going to delete. Listening to sometimes when we touch crying in his room.

Looking through Facebook pictures. He doesn't quite delete him. But she assures the kid that they're not dating that won't happen until late in act three. So she goes back to his place for another scene, but now he's drunk again because of all the atheism. He's staring open boxes of shamwiles. Yes. It's all excited about this is what the movie thinks drunk means. Just like some guy running around his house, spilling stuff and immediately wiping it out. Is this so absorbent? I'm wasted.

I'll go over the screen. Well, but no, but I thought at this point, because you know how they used Harris and Dawkins to put together the name Harkins, I thought they used alcoholic and buy a dumb shit from late night TV to put you in Eli together and create an album. Exactly what I was just about to say. I was about to be like, yeah, who buys stuff from late night TV? No, no, atheist side now. Now if you excuse me, I need to go make some spaghetti with a zucchini.

And do a quick, a 15 to bar brand with he's also did anyone else notice the ridiculous Andy Warhol Campbell suit painting of himself on the wall? It's like he's chairman Mao. He's got his brilliant face behind him over the top, which means that come Heller High Water, one way or the other, Sorbo commissioned that to be made. Right? He's like, it was his excuse was it was for this movie at best. Anyway, the last day of shooting, they're just gone. Kevin's walking out all square looking. All right, everybody.

Now, I must have been a thief of some sort anyway. Yeah. So the, and of course, Kevin's normal can't stop thinking about heaven. His wife's disappointed him for being drunk, but he can't stop thinking about heaven. The wife's like, well, what did our son say during your NDE and sort of like, oh, right, the title of this movie? He said snakes on a plane. He's at it with these motherfuckin snakes in this motherfuckin wobbly picture tunnel. But this is the part where the like the wife is like, Hey, look, you know, I know the doctor thinks that unconscious people on massive amount of drugs can't be trusted to perfectly record their memories, but fuck her. Maybe you should talk to a priest.

They're crazy objective about this kind of thing. Right. Her honest, her honest advice is, look, science isn't comforting. I mean, it's true, but it isn't comforting. Yes. Would you like to talk to someone who's comforting, but a liar? Would help if I told you he's the craziest stereotype you'll ever see? Then follow me to the next scene. Oh, not yet. Sorry. Not you know, but we're getting there. We're so fucking close. Yeah. But first she has to hold him until he sleeps, right? He can't sleep because he's thinking about death and she's like, all right, put your head on my lap. And

he's like, no, if we're going back to fucking, I'm not starting out on you. And my dick's out. Wait. So we're not okay. We were doing. What's my dick? Yeah. So he'd drunkenly falls asleep on her lap. And then he wakes up ball hung over again to the doorbell again. It's his agent. She's left obviously. But the agent's there. He has an interview set up for Kevin Sorbo in one hour in Kevin Sorbo's home. What kind of asshole fucking agent knowing that you're an alcoholic would do that. Anyway, this is my way was the first time I realized because I've been calling them Saul up to this point.

This is the first time I realized the character's name was Solomon. Also, in this conversation, this is where the character says a stroke is a bad way to sell books, and I just wrote in my notes, Richard. Richard. Okay. For the team. So the whole industry, Richie, baby, you're like convulsor a little cooler if you're going to do it on stage. Yeah, come on.

I'm going to check my Patreon from when you had your little incident. And if it dropped, strongly ordered email. So all right. So now we get to the interview. And this interviewer shows up and she it dropped, it's strongly worded email. So, all right, so now we get to the interview. And this interviewer shows up and she's like, all right, so let's talk NDE, are you still an atheist? And Kevin Sorbo.

Yeah, and the agent's like, oh, fuck, he's blowing it. He's not atheist, I'm very well at all anymore. And it's amazing, because he has lost his ability to speak apparently like liar liar. He's like, which son did I see? I've seen my sons many times. A Christian in my maybe this interview is over. And I love this bit right because because he like she asked him like, have your beliefs changed

at all? Again, just imagine asking Christian that after they almost died. Oh, you know, you lost your family in a fire. I guess you've given up on that whole God crap. But he tries to kind of short. He says, Hey, look, I'm real sorry, but my doctor told me that stress can kill me because this blood clot. And I don't think I'm quite ready for this interview. I'm really sorry, but my doctor told me that stress could kill me because of this blood clot and I don't think I'm quite ready for this interview.

I'm really sorry about that. And she's like, oh, you motherfucker. I will destroy you. I will be your Rita skeeter, motherfucker. So yes, so she storms off all bitchily, like screaming about how she could have been interviewing Keith Richards, dammit. And the agent turns to him and he's like, Kevin, darling, get your head out of the afterlife.

We're new catchphrase. Yeah. And again, yeah, there's the message here. It's there's no money in content for Christians said the character in the Kevin's or. I feel like this is the actor who played the agent just fucking with them. Because he like he just looks right at the camera and winks. Yeah. Sorbet, no idea why it's like, all right, well, that's he keeps doing that.

We'll keep it though. I don't know why he keeps doing that. All the sudden it's the scene is on a television screen that a Christian family is paying $9.99 to down. And then he then Kevin Sorbo has to go to the battery to mope. You know, he's got to get a cool like exterior New York shot there. Mope in my fucking city, the city that killed God, get back to your roots. I get it.

Damn straight out your atheism. It's like, you know, they say there's that old for saying that like, if you ever doubt God, walk around Notre-Dame, and I feel like if you ever doubt atheism, you can walk around Battery Park. Yeah, yeah, or Soho helps. Soho works out real well too. That's quite a reminder. God should have parked better and walked more reasonably in the subway, do that's quite a reminder. Got you to park better and walked more reasonably in the subways and not stop at the top of the fucking stairs. We killed him.

All right. Well, at least Kevin Sorbo's character seems miserable and I want to leave him there for a while. So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give act three. The hard sell here. Will one of these characters die of cancer before this movie is over? Will Kevin Sorbo and his ex wife team up with NASA to spread the gospel?

Will Sean Hannity come through to save the day before this is over? Fucking yes on all three of those. So stick around for the aggressively disjointed conclusion of let there be light. Hi, I hope I'm not disturbing. Oh, hello, doctor. No, no, of course not. So, I've got some bad news. Dr. Holloway, what kind of doctor are you?

I'm an oncologist. I study angst. No, no, you're a cancer doctor. Right, fat doctor. Did I, did I give our son cancer? Maybe. Nope. Nope.

What? Probably not. What, what, what are, what are my chances of survival? 5% maybe less. 2% 99% is the cancer in your butt. What? 15% final offer. Why? Okay. I don't think you work in the hospital.

Do you? People just think you're a doctor if you have the coke. And we're back for more of this shit. Now up until this point, it might seem like we're been overselling this movie. It's been stupid. It's been silly, but it hasn't been insane. Well, don't you worry a lick because the insanity is backloaded from here on out. It's just one you've got to be fucking kidding me after another. Starting with maybe the greatest character in the history of Christian cinema, the pastor that he goes to see here. Um, you're talking about the incredibly offensive Italian stereotype.

Pastor Vinnie. Yes. Yeah. My accidental call forward from however many episodes ago when I invented Tony D and Carl the Pugge. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Right. That's what I have. Pastor Carl the Pugge Peggagord, holy shit. And like we cannot overstate how ridiculous the stereotype is. The guy says, Bada Bing at one point. And he's a mobster.

He's an actual mobster. He was in jail and then he like got Christianity. Yeah, I was in jail. They only let me read the Bible and I was like, okay, he was in jail and then he like got Christianity. Yeah, I was in jail. They only let me read the Bible and I was like, okay, he's the thing. The empty tomb. Jesus gets wet. How come the tomb was empty? Huh?

Yeah. Right. Well, first of all, I just want to point out how weird it is because he's going here because the neurologist didn't convince him with a hallucination dream. Shit. So he goes to this pastor. The pastor is like, yeah, I was a gangster. Then I went to jail for 10 years and I came out and became a pastor. I'm like, huh, weird how neurologist never have origin stories like that.

Right. It's almost like your profession could be entered by anyone who ends the sentence. I'm all with the name of your profession. I murdered somebody and then they sat me in a room with Grey's Anatomy. And when I came out, I had your profession. I'm learned somebody and then I they sat me in a room with Grey's Anatomy and when I came out I had a profession. I just do this and then you can instantly do it. All the other jobs you have to learn something real and take a test and the statement. I actually just be stuck in a room with a book and come out the other side with a profession is unlike.

Literally any other job. There is. There is. I mean, this is coming from three podcasters. Okay. Keep that in mind as you just kind of gauge how far down the qualification lists his profession is. I love to because this is where he goes.

Now I'm not like one of them people that just believes every silly thing in front of them I needed evidence to believe This is where he first cracked I'm a street guy I Ain't easily convinced the stuff speaking of how incredibly Skeptical I am what about the body of Jesus skeptical I am what about the body of Jesus? What about that corpse? Yeah, what ever happened to the corpse?

I know Italians, we don't rat about anything. Those disciples never rat it about where the body was. So, okay, what does that mean? Because, yeah, according to Christianity, there was no more body because of fucking magic. So that's nothing. What would they have rat it about?? I don't understand. It's a cartoon character delivering bad apologetics. It's obvious that even they are tired of this upon their like why would everyone die for a lie?

No one would die for a lie that except for all the people we know who died for a lie. But no one would ever die for a lie. And they're like, that's really boring. We've said that again. What have been said? We say, so Jesus gets whacked. But when the tomb opens, bottoming, they don't feel because they're real mama looks, model. Momma.

That is a new way to say a ridiculous thing. Yeah. Right, right. So, but he gives Kevin Sorbo the fucking argument from the empty tomb, which if you're not familiar with it, basically goes like this, where was Jesus' body? The counter apologetic to that is like, if I believe all the stuff in your book, then yes, your book is right. Or still just somewhere else. Yeah. Or everything's right. It's just somewhere else. Or everything's right.

And it's just somewhere or someone ate him. Yeah, we don't know. But anyway, so and and Kevin Sorbo has never heard logic like that before. The world's top atheist is completely unfamiliar with the argument from the empty tomb. He is to how did he get to be the world's top? And who did he get to be the world's top and who did he defeat? Oh, the empty tomb out there. It's a real. I also love this line where he's like, the pastor, pastor Vinny goes,

Hey, you know why you felt so good when the doctors pumped you full of life saving drugs and pain killers? It was Jesus. It must have been Jesus. It must have been Jesus. It must have, let me tell you what it means. All right. When you're so left to body, you saw your son. How do you look?

And I wanted Kevin Sarbo to be like, great, really great cut, you know? Like, like, Al blinds and then we get a flashback to his son, lifting up his shirt and he's just got that sweet 16 pack. All right, let's move on. Okay. Let's move on from the nine year old child's abs. So, but yeah, because now the question is to address the

so because but now it's time for a pastor to address the so let there be light message. Yes. Jesus is the light. Think about it. Think about it. What's Christmas? It's the darkest day of the year. And when was Jesus? No, it is not. It's not. Um, that's, it's in this hemisphere is what he's trying to say, but it's not even that.

It's just less day time. Well, that's it. And that's it. First of all, it's wrong fucking day, right? It's four days earlier. And secondly, it's only the one hemisphere, but it's also it's not like it's darker. It's just night. It's not like there's a new level of darkness that we achieve the longer than night. Go. However, the entire Southern hemisphere does believe in satanism.

Oh, shit. That's right. So we get Christmas is the darkest day of the year. No, for so many reasons. And when was Jesus born April? Definitely not December anyway. Maybe a little thing called the argument from the visible lights. But I want to, but this guy's supposed to be the top atheist, right? So when he says, what's Christmas, he should have gone like it's a man-suppated Saturnalia with all the fucking taken out. Do what? No, I'm a street guy.

I don't know all those fancy words. God. And then he explains that like God is light and bad guys are darkness. And he says, let's list some of his evidence points. Isis wears black. Yep. Their flags are black. Yeah.

And they are bad guys. This goddamn movie got its theology from Kung Fu theater. Conversely white. Oh my god. Oh my god. Jesus. Yeah, no, it's really hard for them at this point, not to just come out and say,

think about it. Black people are bad. White people are light and delight some. But yeah. So and the pastor says, but get think about it like this. Your son said, let there be light. Obviously, he wants you to spread the gospel. After all, you're the biggest atheist of all. And again, in terms of what, head circumference, what are we measuring? A physical size. And what's the, like God so nice, he let you see the kid he murdered for a second. That's the project. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. God and fucking Aaron from Titus and Dronecus. Um, so, but the message of this scene is like five minutes with Carl the Pug of Pegacorn and you'd be Christian too, right? Because the very next scene is Kevin Sorbo getting baptized. Is him getting baptized and the pastor Vinnie wearing the silliest Bahama Mama swimsuit humanly puzzle one that has a beer bottle and opener in the leg.

Like, you know what I needed to make this movie, Celia? Kevin Sorbo's dad Bob and the Italian caricature from the last scene dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and matching Bermuda shorts. Oh, my. Okay, well, the Bermuda shorts with the beer openers is a stupid example that's cool. I mean, if people have, well, I would say it's someone undercuts the solemnity of the ceremony at least. Anyway, my pastor Vinny would be a great movie.

Instead of a lawyer, he's a pastor and he's just completely useless at solving any real problems. And so he's the greatest pastor of all time. Yeah. Marissa Tomey plays the son. Yeah. So anyway, so he gets baptized. And basically the second the water touches his head, he's a good father then. Yeah, he's a good dad.

But his son's not buying it because he's super suspicious that he might try to fuck his mom. So he's like, I mean, I don't know. How do I know you're not lying? Isn't this kind of like when you lied about loving mommy forever? Okay, we need to get you to a therapist. Yeah, right. Yeah. They go back home so the sun can have this whole, you know, mom always praise for you. You asshole conversation with them so that, you know, Kevin Sorboke and apologize for being such an atheist for the last few years. And now it's time for cookies and lemonade. The only reason

I bring up this scene is because there is a line so evil at this point in the movie that I could have toasted marshmallows on Noah's rage. They're all sitting around and the younger son goes, you know, when you think about it, Davey saved your soul. Oh my God. Yeah, right. Davey the dead kid. Yeah.

Okay. Just last thing before I lock it in with Christianity, was there any way to save me without murdering a nine-year-old man? There was not. All right, well, a person couldn't think of anything. Yeah. All right. You're good at some thing of anything. So now he's a good dad again.

So we go back for another interview with that lady that was all pissed off at him before for missing the Keith Richards interview. So she can interview him again. Again, this time as a Christian. Okay. Can we talk about the opening line of this interview? Please do. He has written on a paper for her in case she forgets it L P T L and she goes lesbian by

sexual and before she can say tragic is goes, no, no, no, every time with that, why? No, it's not, no, it's not gay. It's let there be light. Okay. Let us spaken. No, let us, let us, let us make a bacon, let it better than the lesbian thing. but no. And of course the agent is standing here the whole time and he's like, it's now on the isch and cray, you know, but but Kevin Sorbo spills the beans. He's like, you know, I found I saw my son when I died and now I'm all Jesus up. His agent is super fucking pissed. The reporter at least she's like, I got this is a great story. The world's top a the as fine as God. And again, I don't, I

want to know, I just want to know where the rankings are listed. I know, I know I'm not in playoff contention, but I want to know how close I am. What? And I want to take out some competition. I just like, there's people who I have access to. What contest do they think we're having? Just like, all right, everybody in line. How many gods are there? Point five. No, I just got zero. I'm a scale from Heath to Noah. How much of an atheist are you? Are you like to write in the middle and Eli? And then you got to know how much of an atheist are you? Are you like to write in the middle and Eli and then you got to know on the far end, you got to eat on the far left. Just show us on the chart where

you don't see how many gods you don't. But so and of course, so the reporter leaves and this is where they agent has to have that incredible conversation with him where it explains that there's just no way he could sell a book about an atheist finding Jesus after an NDE who would buy tickets to a movie. I mean,

a book about that. You just unrolls the poster for let they be light and slowly tears it in half while staring at the camera. He's doing the blinking thing again. He's doing it. I don't know. He's just don't worry. He's a weird guy. He's weird to ignore it. It's fine. Yes. Jesus makes one unsellable. The agent says and then storms out. But he leaves and Kate arrives his ex-wife, so that the greatest scene that ever happened could happen. But again, it's not going to keep that record for very long. Take a sir. Take a

stay. Okay. I can't do it. I'm not ready. I thought I was ready, but I'm paralyzed. I'm not ready. I can't do it. That's everything. I can't do it. All right. So before we even get to it, I want to point out because she comes in and he's like, you want to drink?

I've got a sweet tea and green tea. So Jesus is cured. His drug addiction alcoholism, depression and family problems in one day, but more importantly, Kate has figured out what let there be light means. She says, maybe God meant that you should spread the gospel. But what if God just wanted us to shine our phone flashlights into the sky? We need, I can't say, you need to make an app that will time all of our phone flashlights at 3 a.m. on Christmas.

Is that the app? It's just a timer. I just that also contains the words of Christ and also has footage from NASA. Let us get to it. No, yeah, she says she says we can all go outside at 3 a.m. on Christmas at the darkest time of the year. No, again, no, that's not how that works. But we could shine our flashlights up into the sky. Wait, it gets better. She says, we could call NASA. Call NASA. Call NASA. They could take pictures of it like a giant global selfie for God and send us the photos of the light From our cell phones which will be visible from space

About I have never responded to a line more enthusiastically in theaters in my life. I was kicking my feet in the air YouTube could you send over a satellite? We're doing a thing with my little phone. And she falls this by saying we should prophylatize like ISIS prophylatizes death. And she practically says, you know, we'll be Christian an isis why did I Trums watching the movie fuck defeating isis with flashlight Yes, but no let's let's be very clear about what's going on here They're gonna shine flashlights up into the air with a phone app in order to defeat ISIS. That's the plot of this movie now. I still wasn't ready. We will never be ready, Eli. We just have to push forward. This movie is going to get sillier by the way. Like again, it's just ramps up from here. So,

okay. And then of course Kevin Sorbonne asked her out on a date, right? Because he loves her again because Jesus. Right. And she's like Chick-fil-A. And he's like, all right, that plug's done. No, seriously. And it's amazing. He goes, I want to take you to a nice restaurant. And I was like, oh, I would love to hear what Kevin Sorbo thinks a nice restaurant in New York is. Name a nice restaurant, Kevin Sorbo, in the city of New York. Janet, I would empty. She is. Is there a restaurant? Not only could they not think of one they couldn't even find one.

We'll find that out in a second though. We'll get to the date in just a second. But before we get to that, we have the head back to the apartment where he's meeting with his publicist. Now, the agent is dumped him. The publicist is still on his side because it turns out she only was an atheist because Jesus wasn't hip enough, but now she's a Christian again too. Yeah. And we also learned that the guy he defeated in the debate, he's not convinced that he's

a Christian because you know, Christians hate it and are super skeptical when atheist turn Christian. They hate it. Oh, yeah. No, definitely. Definitely. I wrote my notes here. I'm like, this is a religion willing to make the gangster from prison a pastor. But yeah. So, but the, the publicist, by the way, and at this point, like he's,

he's not selling his book anymore, right? He's no longer an atheist. So I'm like, what is she his publicist for? They app the answer to that question is she's publicizing his app. I do not promise you much, but I swear on everything that has ever mattered to me. They planned an app while making this movie. And at some point an app developer was like, you guys don't think this is going to be visible from space. Do you? There's no way there wasn ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's it's not it's now it's we need to talk about Kevin levels of scary because he's like it's sort of supposed to be that funny Like I wander back by midnight thing and it's like, haha alright mediocre humor But then there's another 10 minutes where he's like no seriously dad if you If you touch her and it's like oh, okay, we need to wrap you and soft soft blankets

Take you somewhere safe Okay, we need to wrap you in soft, soft blankets, take you somewhere safe. Pulls out of banana starts rolling a condom on. All right. So I don't want to be and I would do what I come back. I will be asking to smell your fingers. Responsible. So and then mom comes out looking,

they're going for hot. I looking, they're going for hot. I feel like they're going for hot. She's wearing a middle school prom dress. She has, it's so many layers of clothing. She's wearing like 19 shirts like a homeless guy under a dress. It's insane. And a weirdly square brush. She looks like she could take a bullet maybe.

I mean, look, don't get me wrong. I am not a good looking person, but I don't wear strapless, don't wear dressers with a touching shawl. So, yeah, so he's wowed by how beautiful she is, because, you know, he's married to her, she wrote that in the script. Keep in mind again, she wrote this into the script and then everyone was wowed by how pretty I was. This is a Vin Diesel levels of. Yeah. Man, you're beautiful and strong and everyone loves you and you are the smartest and you could survive a car. If she had crashed an ambulance into a helicopter at the

point in the early time, it'd have been like, sure, Sam Sarboff, sure. Yeah. So call forward, by the way. So yeah, so they get to the, I'm going to say restaurant. Nope. The stage. Yeah. Okay. Could they not find a restaurant in New York? No, restaurants in New York do not need Kevin Sorbos money. I guarantee you they called like Grammarcy Tavern and they were like, so hear me out. And they were like, I'm sorry, no, sir. We would like to keep all the famous atheist money gang. And this is so painful too, because this is where the movie tries to do like playful banter

between the two of them. And I'm just like, okay, I'm gonna hang myself in nine words. In this fucking theater, I'm just gonna use my own shoelaces. You have nine more words. Luckily, they only had eight. Well, again, it's amazing because if you can't, and we've talked about this before, but if you can't feel anything or talk about fucking, you do have to just make up nonsense is your love words. You have to be like, I think the greatest words were Bob Dylan and.

I'm going to use the word hall down. I couldn't begin to tell you what that means when it comes to romance and I'll all you. Yeah. Oh, God, it's so fucking bad. And then he proposes to her. This is the first time I wrote, did I black out and miss a giant bird? Well, it's been a whole appetizer after all. I mean, those were some good shrimp.

Yeah, so, but yes, because Jesus, now he loves his wife again, he wants to marry her again. She's like, yeah, sure, why the fuck not? So they dance. This is weird. Yep. And so we cut immediately from that to them getting home. And they go to make out, but the sun is standing there.

Again, which is terrifying, terrifying. It's not again, it's supposed to be like a light joke, but they make it last too long. He's standing out there with a shotgun, just meaning it's gently putting his finger in the gun and then taking it out again and then running, running its black ash across his teeth. It's fucking terrifying. It's a creepy 13 year old cock block. I just got going to almost just like, Hey, God, if you kill this one too, I will be ex

that's just, both. But instead he wants him to go wake his brother because they're going to make him watch him fuck. It's you need this son. You actually need this. Um, no, but actually they got the kids together to tell him that they're going to make them watch him fuck. You need this son, you actually need this. Um, no, but actually they gather the kids together to tell him that they're going to get married again. Younger son is super happy. Older son takes several seconds to forgive his father for abandoning them for years.

It's like they had to do a reshoot of this scene because he's like, no, fuck you, man. Fuck you forever. And then flash flash. And he's like, no, fuck you, man. Fuck you forever. And then flash flash and he's like, psych. All right, that's over. Yeah. And then mom has a seizure. Oh my God. She clearly did a seizure acting workshop.

Somehow recently she's doing like planned out moves like head shake, two, three bodies, two, three. I learned this. The race is useful. It is the most and like, honestly, okay, at this point, like I said, early on in the film, we were trying not to laugh by this point. We had all given up and we were all dying of laughter when she started going into this fucking seizure.

The couple in front of us was very angry at this point. But, but we had no idea. We could not have known that we needed to save that laughter. Oh, she was, she's like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, so ridiculous. And let's be very clear. In less than, I would say, three hours, they have gone on their first date, agreed to be wed again, told their children that he is moving back in and she has collapsed

from what will be her giant deadly brain tumor. Yes. Yes. All in the course of three minutes of this film. So they rush mom to the hospital in an ambulance, which seems weird since they have cars and you wouldn't have to wait for the car they get there, but they take her to the hospital. Like I said, the doctors just keep getting sillier. This is the last doctor. Travis Tritt. Travis Tritt, country-using legend Travis Tritt is playing the goddamn doctor. He's on the blue-coll collar doctor tour at this hospital,

family. He is sounding out his, he first, oh, yes, he is sounding out his lines. And he's trying to do a suspenseful thing when he says he's a cancer doctor, but he's like, so we checked it out and I need to tell you that slow talking is suspense, suspense is slow talking. I'm an oncologist. Yeah, and that's how they break the news. That's how the hospital breaks the cancer news. They're like, hey, so what type of doctor you he's like

Uncollege Okay, what stage of oncologist oh Night She's dead Yeah, so this is where he explains to her that she's got some cancer of that brain or hers. Stage four, she is dying as fuck. This is, it has moved into other tissues. She is like, like odd that she wouldn't have noticed until now that she had a stage four

fucking brain tumor. Half of your brain is cancer at this point. My thoughts are not your own. I would say every 50% of the actor is just going to tumor. Have you tried to create an app? Do you think that a flashlight can be seen from space? Those would be good signs.

Do you always need a toast and crave ice tea? Have you agreed to marry a man that you went on the first date with the other day? These are the activities that would be a hint that will have you been the nemesis to the ninja turtles at all? You don't have anything like that. Oh, Jesus. Fuck Christ. And this is when she says the greatest. I again, I'll never think about anything else ever again. She goes, Doc, did I give our son cancer? What?

Doc, did I give our son cancer? They think the movie seems to cause the doctors like probably not proud of lady. Did you fuck your son? Like you're clearly fucking this weirdly protective. I mean, I did sneeze on him. Yeah, yeah. So the doctor says, no, I'm pretty sure your cancer isn't contagious. Um, I never should have given them that radium

bath every day. But he sells her, he's like, now your brain has basically just turned mostly into tumor. So there's no kind of surgery, but there is an experimental thing. It's not going to work, but you can do it. It's not, we do this thing. We, we have a lightning dragon. It's a lightning dragon. But it, it much never works.

But it does, we try to, do you want to try the lightning dragon 5% Maybe less I don't fucking know 3, I'm not 5 I said 5 I was round enough It's a lightning drag It's a fucking lightning drag So we don't have for a lot of stats They just fucking fired that shit

There's no way to track the stats on a weapon, right? It's fucking hard. Two, you're your own dance. You're probably gonna die today. I have no idea what the fuck's going on on the doctor. I'm you know what? I'm calling it time of death now. I'm, you know what? I'm calling it time of death now. But five zero. Yeah. So he tells her she's got a matter of hours to live. They're like, that's okay. We're in act three anyway. So she says it's all right, Doc. I know exactly what I have to focus

on in my life. There are three things I need to pay attention to my faith, my children, and using flashlight apps to defeat ISIS. And she turns to her husband and says I need to prepare for eternity, spend time with my sons and the launch of our holy fuckage. Holy fuck it's shit. All right. And we go straight from there to the wedding. Right. We go straight from, will you marry me? It's our first date to your Diana cancer to now. It's the fucking wedding. By the way, Deon Warwick is here, ladies and gentlemen. Deon Warwick. And she's, she's there to sing the runaway single they sure It's a song called let there be light and they just let her sing it into the camera and they're like that was

Weird I hope we Man, I hope the iTunes sales make up for that awkward Standing minutes. Yes Yeah, she's the opening act that they're wedding. You know, like weddings have. And she's just like, all right, hit it in visible band. And the six months that they're on with their head. No way. Also, whether there are a whopping 16 people at this wedding, which is taking place exactly in that same foyer

where they had their date. Right? It's just this is daytime. Now it's the exact same spot where they could afford, I guess. Carl the Pugel Pegacorn is officiating. They also do this that really creepy slavery ask to have and to hold for seeking all others in the wedding vows. I don't know. I'm sad now that I didn't do for seeking that I didn't make my wife declare her love for me and only me. And if your eye wanders, you will pluck it from your skull. And then okay.

So right as Carl the Pugga Pagot corn gets to man and wife the publicist lady gets a phone call. She had her phone on in the wedding and it's such an important call. She has to take it. Holy shit y'all, they're gonna be on Sean Hannity. What's that? The ending? Sean Hannity? Said the first black person in history ever with the sentence. You're gonna be on Hannity. I love to they literally say Hannities reach here, right? She literally says you're gonna be on Sean Hannity. That's a 140 million people both television and radio. That's the actual goddamn line in the movie that Sean Hannity produced with a market share of 4.7 percent.

And it doesn't stop the mail at affordable local and national rates. So we cut immediately from that to them talking to Sean Hannity. Now, I read a review of this movie earlier today, and I don't normally quote from reviews, but this is so goddamn good. The reviewers have Sean Hannity plays himself and manages to fail. He is so miserable and awkward in this scene. This also has the greatest exchange in the history of dialogue. I got to do the bit about like shining the flashlights in the sky.

I don't feel like it would be unfair for me to also take this one. Okay. Okay. So they're sitting around and he's like, you know, you're going to get a lot of hard questions for spreading the word of Christ with your app. And they're like, we're prepared for that. And he's like, I mean, what right do you have

to impose your views on others? To which Kevin Sorbo responds, what right does ISIS have to be head children? What? To which Sean Hannity says, good point. What? What point? What?

How is that? Are they claiming equivalent moral authority to ISIS? This is a ship's gonna happen. This is a new one. It's the argument from We're Not ISIS. That's the Christian cow. What? I would, I would, I would,

I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, Yeah, so what are they saying that all things less immoral than beheading children are okay now?

Is that the good point that he just made? I hope so because I have some confessions to make. All right 1987 the Christiano brothers have done nothing What's date there and so I get my Moving on so Sean Hannity has agreed now because the idea he's so excited about the idea of people shining lights into the air that he is now going to do a three hour special about their app where he will show pictures from space of light on earth. Specifically the band of light from flashlights on cell phones as it slowly travels around the globe. Yes, we're going to get someone to film the band of light as travels.

Speed of well, slow. Around the globe. Three hours. He's going to show about it. So, yeah, so now that Hannity has saved the day, it's time for the dying of cancer montage. The day of cancer. The pain just and reading books. I'm wearing a barethrow band, a head scarf, and I look a whole lot older because they took my make A right

Took my And a ball of cancer death act and work Sean You're right exactly. Oh, Jesus, what a ridiculous Fuckin term, but yes, she she she's laughing as she gets chemo and Burfing and losing her hair and trying on bandanas, they damn near have the pretty woman cancer bandana Montauchir. Well, she bought like 50 different bandanas like her tumor might as well be sticking out

of her neck wearing a pirate bandana. So fucking stupid. And so at this point, I was like, do you think they have a section in Amazon for cancer bandanas? Yep, they do. I looked it up. First result, two pack women's bandana scarf pre-tied chemo hat, beanie, turban headwear for cancer, 560 to 899. Oh, that's

reasonable. Yeah. Only some only some of the colors are prime eligible. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. It's weird to have the price on those right? The guy who runs that must feel bad every time he's like, oh, market chance is $689. Anyway. But this cool piratey skull and crossbones print one weekend charge more. Yeah. They're going to want that. They've got the top dollar cancer.

Absolutely. So we get done with this little montage and we get the kids, the two sons playing chess. And by the way, they are jumping ponds and then drawing a card from community chess. These kids are not remotely fucking playing. Like somehow they managed to get bad sportsing when they were playing chess. So mom comes in, the older son turns to her and he goes, Hey, mom, are you going to live through this or are we just pissing away these prayers? Because I could be praying for Mario Odyssey right now. And she, she sits them down to explain to them that sometimes God answers prayers by killing your mom. Yes. If you think about it, me being dead is an awesome thing. Yeah, right.

God always answers prayers, but sometimes it turns out you were praying for the wrong thing. Yeah, right. Right. God always answers prayers. But sometimes it turns out you were praying for the wrong thing. And yeah, her message to him though, this is exactly how she says it. She's like survival is irrelevant. Death doesn't exist. Being dead is just like being in the other room. When I go to the other room, I'm not dead. Am I? Be on I be on. You have to tell me if I'm dead. I wanted to walk into the other room. Am I dead? You didn't even check. You haven't checked my pulse. How do you know? So by the way, and I want to point out that as much as this movie tries to say, look, we're the exact opposite of ISIS, the whole survival is irrelevant and death doesn't exist.

Think textbook ISIS message, just, you know, kind of important. I also love too, she gets done with her whole metaphor about how like death is like being in the other room. She's like, anyway, I'll be in the other room. And they're like, wait, what do you mean? She's like, no, no, no, no, no, sorry, sorry. That's on me. I meant literally literally.

I mean, I might be dead. I could be dead. Woo. How do we in Spooktacular? See, we didn't take a break. We did not take a break from the Halloween Spooktacular. But you know, son, just dives at her like Kevin Costner.

I'm sorry. No, not the other room, mom. All right. So now it's time for the Sean Hannity special because holy shit, mom. All right. So now it's time for the Sean Hannity special because holy shit, we're moving fast now. This is, this is where we learn, okay, their app has changed the goddamn world. Absolutely. This app is even in North Korea.

People in North Koreans are taking their North Korean cell phones. Using the app, they downloaded from the American internet to signal their Christianity to heaven. Yes, yes, that's what's happening. So, now there's this insane moment here and I really do want someone to explain this to me. We then cut over to a presenter who's like, Hi, I was born in Pakistan where I was a child bride. My husband beat me. And when I tried

to run away, my father said he was going to kill me. But then I got to the United States and Jesus saved me. Goodbye forever. Yes, what's your question? Well, she was the genius. She was the genius who wrote the clock app. Yes. She had the idea of something that could tell when it was three o'clock. Yeah, exactly, exactly. She's the programmer of the app that they had. The one line of Python code that was like, go at three. Three AM, exactly. So yeah, and Sean's going like, wow, well, it's pretty amazing. What a great job you did with this app. They're even doing this in ISIS controlled territory,

shining their flashlights into the sky, those secret ISIS Christians. And then we back away, because it's 3 a.m. That was time for everyone to go out and turn their lights on, we back away, we get the God's eye view shot. Now, apparently, instead of using cell phones, most people have opted to use grain silo-sized lights. Oh, the shot from space. Yes. You should have just a full flashlight, the size of the great wall. A pair of

Yes, everybody broke up with like evenly spaced groups of giant phones and from fucking phone Voltrons and shine them into space. The entire planet is glowing. Yeah, well, right. Well, first of all, before they turn on the flashlights, all the lights are off on Earth, right? They turned Earth turned off all its lights for the purposes of this. Secondly, when they turn the lights on, like a surprise party.

Shut up. Yeah, never turn off. Well, well, God, God, it's coming. It's coming. It is a surprise party for Jesus. That's exactly what it is. So if you're not the fucking lights on, then at 3 a.m. exactly, all the lights start coming on. The lights are exactly evenly spaced, right?

Like they show a shot of Asia and there are an equal number of lights in every spot of the goby desert as there are in Hong Kong. And those again, those are the only lights in the world. Those are fucking cell phone flashlights. These one visible from space. There are 900 of them all over like in total, but they're just very evenly spaced throughout the world.

Yeah, there's like 900 Christians in the world. Yeah, exactly. But they have really big signal. Yeah, exactly. And then right then in that moment, as the lights turn on in the East Coast, Sam Sorbo dies. Sam Sorbo dies. She looks up at her husband and she's like, did we save the world? He's like, we did save the world. She goes, and honestly, if I had crazy billionaire money, if I could make one wish, it would be for him as she dies and sort of leans on to his shoulder for Kevin Sorbo to just lean forward and be like, today

is a good day. I'd be like, she knows what's see. It's in every room. Now, doesn't it feel like they overlook something here? Shouldn't she be using like let there be radiation to cure everybody shines the flashlight at her cancer? Oh, yeah, there you go. There you go. That would have been amazing. But I do have to point out that while she dimes her children and everyone at this party are in the like two rooms over singing silent night or some Christmas song that they could get the rights to.

Which means that everyone's about to walk back in the room and Kevin's going to be like, oh, I got some bad news everybody. My wife died on your TV set. So I don't know how you want to wrap this special up. I would not recommend checking back in with this location as we have a dead body on the couch. Right, but that's where the movie is. Well, we get a Bible quote and a quick message to please text a friend of ours, let there

be light so that we can help with their viral marketing campaign because their app absolutely failed. And they were like, put it at the end. Just text me. We'll do the God's not dead thing. Let there be light just take that to everybody. Right. And by the way, I did this. I texted my wife. And it reads as following hashtag, let there be light. And then her response is, you need to stop texting me at the end of Christian movie. So all right. Now here's, this is not a message that I said with every single one of these movies, but this movie, first of all, it opened in like 13 theaters worldwide.

Apparently, if you live down south, it's fairly easy to find. We could not find a theater in New York City of the 9,000 movie theaters in New York City. None of them chose to play this on its opening weekend, which is a shame because I want this to be the greatest fucking box office smash of all time. I want everyone who listens to this show to seek this move out, haul your local theater and ask them why they are not playing. Let there be light. Make it seem like your church group is going to protest at their theater if they don't

play this fucking movie I want this movie everywhere. I want everyone to go see this because I want Sean Hannity to think he nailed it Right, I want Sean Hannity to go out and make more of these I want to turn him into the modern day Edwood and we could just never tell him He's not gonna listen to this show. He's not gonna know why we're doing this We we should all go out of opening night every time Sean Hannity comes out with a fucking movie, we should go on rotten tomatoes and like zip up his fucking ranking to 90 something percent, which believe it or not, it actually is already at 90 something percent as we record this.

But we should try to make sure that Sean Hannity and Kevin Sorball think that this is the formula and they have mastered it. Yeah. I don't ask you for much. Rent out a whole theater if you have to. Do your part. This is so important to us. This is beautiful. Hang 5% maybe less.

I don't fucking know. We could literally just do this movie again next week. And I'm pretty sure we could nail a like all new shit from from from that episode. I do ever. I feel like I feel like my permits was over and it's all it's all but I need to talk some more. I want tomorrow to be my birthday too. Can we do this?

I want to talk about this movie again. Let's get another eight ball this movie. Another eight ball this movie. Let's get another eight ball this movie. Another eight ball this movie. Let's go. Yeah. Open a restaurant. All right. Well, unfortunately, that is going to do a far review of let there be light.

But that's not going to do it for the episode quite yet. Because we still need to somehow follow this one up. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The monster project. We're continuing. We took a little break from our Halloween spooktacular. And we are continuing our Halloween spooktacular with a Christian. Uh, it's Christian.

Yeah. No, that was the, that was originally the plan for this week before we realized that Sean Hannity and Kevin Sorbo had teamed up to give us the greatest thing ever invented since orgasms. So yeah, that one is already in the in the in the can. It's a really great episode. Unfortunately, Heath was not able to make it, but we had a spectacular guest for the show. It was really fucking funny, but it was not remotely a Christian movie. So, you know, but it was so funny. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode one 15 to a merciful close. Once again, here's thanks to all the Patriot donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating atheists, the skeptic rat and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever all those podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot, N.E.V.L.T.

on Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, it was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil Ibosna, and Godman O'oleusians promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Donald Trump fired the joint chiefs and refused to try out his flashlight idea in Syria. NASA told SAM Sorbo they were already planning to take pictures of Earth that day. The cancer virus that began in Kevin Sorbo's son spread across 98% of the world's population. Those who survived follow the voice of the woman or the voice of the walk-in dude.

The choice is theirs to make it. She was gonna stand fan right now is losing their shit. It was just me or do that pick up an intensity as we went like there was suspense building in that 10 count. That's because every second I'm not talking about this movie is the worth second of my life. Oh my God. I have been like I have been chewing. Listen to this ear off about this goddamn movie since we launched it.

So Eli's got an anticipation. We'll see. All right, here we go. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017. All rights reserved.